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" Sometimes the maker turns your key more , and sometimes less , but you can never have more than your mainspring will hold . You 're lucky , Zee , you have a good mainspring . " He sounded a little wistful when he said it . He never got as many turns as I did , and he used most of them to do boring grown - up things . What Papa said was true . I have a good mainspring . Sometimes I got thirty turns , and sometimes forty - six . Today , on this glorious summer day , I got fifty - two . I 'd never met anyone else whose spring could hold so many turns as that , and I was bursting with energy . Papa didn 't notice how wound up I was . " Granny has a tune - up this morning , and Gramps is getting a new mustache . If you untangle the thread for me , you can use the rest of your turns to play . " " Always work first , so you don 't run out of turns . " His legs were stiff and he swayed as he walked along the wide wood plank that led out from our closet . He crossed the train tracks and disappeared into the shadow of the maker 's workbench . Tonight , when he came back from his errands , he 'd bring a scrap of fabric or a bit of thread . Papa sewed our clothes from whatever scraps the maker dropped . The whir of his gears faded into silence , and I tried to untangle the thread . It was a tedious chore . The delicate motion of picking up a single brightly - colored strand was difficult on a tight spring . A train came clacking along the track , and with it the lively music of the carnival . Papa had settled down here in Closet City , but Mama was a carnie . Based on the stories Papa told , sneaking out to the carnival would be a good adventure . Clearly I was meant to go - the carnival had arrived on a day when I had more turns than I 'd ever had before . I gathered up my prettiest buttons and skipped over to the brightly painted train cars . It was early , and the carnival had just arrived , but a crowd had already formed . Everyone clicked and whirred as they hurried to see the show . The carnies were busy too , unfolding train cars into platforms and putting up rides and games and ropes for the acrobats . I passed a booth selling scented gear oil and another filled with ornate keys . I wondered if the maker could wind as well with those as with the simple silver one that protruded from my back . A face - painter with an extra pair of arms was painting two different customers at once , touching up the faded paint of their facial features and adding festive swirls of green and blue and purple . " Two kinds of paint , " the painter called to me , " the swirls will wash right off with soap . " " Catch two matching fish and win a prize ! " a carnie called . He was an odd assemblage of parts , with one small brown arm and one bulky white one . His legs were slightly different lengths , and his ceramic face was crisscrossed with scratch marks . He held out a long pole with a tiny net on the end , a net barely big enough to hold a single fish . " Don 't they all match ? " I leaned over the tub of water to study the orange fish . They buzzed quietly and some mechanism propelled them forward and sent out streams of bubbles behind them . The man dipped the net into the water and caught one of the fish . He flipped open a panel on its belly , and revealed a number - four . " The fish are numbered one through ten , and you 'll get to pick three . Any two of ' em match and you win ! " Unlike Papa , he could see how tight I was wound , and he put me to work hauling boxes from his platform to a car on the far end of the train . The work was satisfying , and it let me gawk at the rest of the carnival . When I was done , he handed me the net . " Any three fish that catch your fancy . Good luck ! " The net was long and hard to handle , but I dipped it into the water . It came up empty and dripping . Fishing was not as easy as the man had made it look . I tried again , and this time brought up a fish that whirred loudly as it came out of the water . The man pushed in a pin to stop the gears and flipped open a panel to reveal the number 8 . " Do any of them match ? " I handed back the net , frowning and studying the pool . There were easily a hundred fish . " I guess with so many they must . " " You have to look closer at the fish . " A freckle - faced kid climbed up onto the platform . He scooped up a fish , checked the number on the bottom , then studied the pond . " This one 's a six , so I just have to find a match . " So off we went . The nightingale turned out to be a woman with brown - feathered wings that matched her dark skin . Vale wasn 't lying . She sang beautifully , any song that the crowd shouted to her . " You seem to know everyone at the carnival , " I said , when we sat down on the edge of an empty platform . " Do you know my mother ? She 's very distinctive - a woman with eight spider legs . " Vale gestured down at the platform below us . " You can 't see it with the platforms folded down , but the train cars are numbered so they stay matched up . All the cars in this train are marked nine , so we 're Carnival Nine . Pops and I are here because they had an empty platform for him to run his game . My other dad is at Carnival Two because he 's an acrobat , and nine already has more acrobats than we really need . " " There 's only one track through here , but the trains run the whole house , with cities along the route where we stop and entertain folks . Some places there are clusters of tracks where the trains pass each other , or turn around . I 've seen him a couple times . " We talked a bit more , and he snuck me in to see the bearded lady and a snake man whose skin was covered in iridescent green scales . The carnival was amazing , and I never wanted to leave , but I could feel the tension leaving my spring . I only had a few turns left , barely enough to get home . " I have to go . " I hopped down from the platform . Vale put his hand on my shoulder . " I lied about some of the fish looking different . There 's no missing paint or broken tails . The fish have more than one number , depending on which way you open the panels . Don 't tell Pops I told you . " Something passed between us then , in that moment where he trusted me . Somehow it meant more than all the marvels I 'd seen . It didn 't even occur to me to get angry that the game was rigged until I was more than halfway home . I spent my days untangling threads and learned to sew scraps of fabric into clothes . On my 200th day , Papa took me into town and we swapped out my child - sized limbs for adult ones , and repainted my face . Trains came and went , but I never had enough extra turns to visit the carnival . Then one morning Papa came back from the city early , pulling a wheeled cart . " What happened ? " Papa shook his head . " No , there comes a time when our bodies cannot hold the turns . We all get our thousand days , give or take a few . Then we wind down for the last time . It is the way of things . " I knew we didn 't go on forever , because some of my friends were made of parts from the Closet City recycling center . The recycling center melted down old parts to make new ones . So , I knew . But at the same time I 'd never known anyone who was broken down for parts before . Granny had painted my face and Gramps always told the best stories about the maker . He shook his head . " The recycling center is well stocked , but the carnivals are often hurting for parts . When the next train comes , we 'll take them there . " The next train turned out to be number nine . I was a little disappointed because I 'd already seen most of Carnival Nine , but then I remembered Vale and how he 'd shared the secret trick with the fish . I didn 't see him as I followed Papa to the platform at the front of the train , or while we laid Granny and Gramps out on the red - painted wood . One of the carnival mechanics knelt next to Granny , and Papa leaned over and whispered , " I 'm going to stay to watch them disassembled , but you don 't have to . You did your turns helping me pull the cart to get them here . " The mechanic peeled away the fabric that covered Granny 's torso and unscrewed her metal chest plate . I wanted to remember her whole , not in tiny pieces . I squeezed Papa 's hand , then let go and walked along the length of the carnival . Vale found me about halfway down the train . He had swapped out his childhood limbs too , and when they repainted his face they 'd gotten rid of his freckles . His hair was darker now , which suited him . He put his hand on my shoulder . " Sorry about your grandparents . " " No . Well , yeah , but mostly it reminds me of my dad . Pops is great , but we don 't always get along so well . He wants me to take over the fish someday , but I hate that the whole thing is a cheat . " I wouldn 't have minded staying for the rest of the show , but I didn 't want him to be sad . We snuck out and headed back to the train . " Can you switch carnivals ? " " I 'm not built to be an acrobat like Dad . My parts aren 't that good . Really all I 'm built for is running a game , and if I 'm going to do that , I might as well stay here . " " You could leave the carnival and stay in Closet City , " I said , suddenly aware that we were still holding hands . " It 's . . . Well , it 's terribly boring actually . " He laughed . It was getting late and he was nearly out of turns . " I was thinking I might come up with a different game , one that 's hard , but doesn 't involve any cheats . " I couldn 't quite keep the disappointment off my face . I almost wished I hadn 't said anything about Closet City being boring , but it was the complete truth . " Yeah , I guess it 'd be hard to give up the adventure of the carnival to stay in a place like this . " Papa could take care of himself , and I was old enough to go . I told him on our walk home , and the next morning I packed up my things and said goodbye . It was a sudden shift , an abrupt departure , but Papa understood that I had always been restless . He loved me enough to let me go . When the carnival moved on , I went with it . With Vale . Five trains were at the grand junction when we arrived , and Vale helped me find Carnival Four so that I could look for my mother . He would have stayed , but Carnival Two was at the junction as well , and I told him to go and visit with his dad . Vale and I would have plenty of time together later , and I wanted some time alone with my mother . I hadn 't seen her since I was new . She was easy to find , her train car clearly labeled " the amazing spider - woman , " with pictures of her painted large on the side of the car . I knocked on the door and she slid it open , staring down at me and tapping one of her forelegs . " Yes ? " My gears whirred tight in my chest . She didn 't recognize me , and why would she ? My limbs were different , my face was repainted . She had left a child , and I was a woman now . " I 'm Zee . I came with Carnival Nine , and I wanted . . . well , to see you , I guess . " " Oh , my daughter , Zee . " Her foreleg went still , and she tilted her head , studying me . " What is it you do with Carnival Nine ? " " Vale is teaching me to run one of the games , " I admitted , knowing that it was one of the lowest jobs in the carnival . Being an acrobat or a performer required more skill , but the games were mostly con jobs . Nearly anyone could do it , with enough practice . " Papa is still in Closet City , " I told her , more to fill the silence than anything . " We lost Granny and Gramps , a few weeks back . " I tried to think of more news from Closet City , but since mother had stayed with the train she probably wouldn 't know most of the people I 'd grown up with . It was a strange feeling , my strong desire to bond with someone who was a complete stranger . In my mind , the meeting had gone differently . She had loved me simply because I was her daughter , and we 'd had an instant connection . " I 'm sorry to hear they 've wound down . " She paused for a moment . " Look , I 'm really not the maternal sort - it 's why Lars took you to Closet City to raise you . I 'm - well - I 'm not very nice . I 'm selfish . I like to use my turns for myself , and I never spared a lot of turns for my relationship with Lars . Certainly I never had enough for you . " I didn 't know what to say to that . I wanted to be angry with her , but she was a stranger , she 'd never really been a part of my life . That was how things were and I was used to it . Mostly I was disappointed . Sad that my dreams about reuniting with my mother had died . We talked a little longer about nothing of importance , and then I went back to Carnival Nine , home to Vale . I vowed that I wouldn 't be like my mother . I was blessed with a lot of turns , and I would use them for more than just myself . The train took us in slow circles , stopping to perform at the cities . I settled into the routine of carnival life - collapsing the walls of our train car to make our platform , setting up the dart game that Vale designed , packing everything away again when it was time to move along . The days blurred one into the next , obscuring the passage of time . Then one day I realized that I was over 400 days old , which meant that I had been with the carnival longer than I 'd lived in Closet City . " I thought maybe he could look more like us . " Carnies came with a wide variety of parts , which was fun for shows , but the more outlandish ones all reminded me of my mother . " Hands would be more versatile if we ever settle down in a city . What if he doesn 't want to be a performer ? " When I 'd lived in Closet City , the carnival had been exciting for the brief time it had stayed . But being a part of the carnival - well , the obligations of life and livelihood sucked away the wonder . It was the novelty that had drawn me here , and half a lifetime later the novelty had worn away . But I couldn 't bring myself to say so to Vale . " So if he wants pincers when he 's older , he can swap out his limbs that way too . " I kept my voice calm , but worry gnawed at me . We had agreed on building a boy , but we hadn 't talked much about the details . I rummaged through the pile until I found an arm , dark - skinned like the nightingale lady , but smaller , child - sized . It didn 't have a match , but there was another that was only slightly paler . Would anyone notice ? Probably someone had already taken the other half of each set . " What about these ? " " Okay . " He was less enthusiastic now , and I felt bad that I 'd shot down his first suggestion so quickly . I looked for parts that would be a compromise , interesting enough for him , but nothing as extreme as my mother 's spider legs . Nothing that would evoke memories of a woman who thought it 'd be a waste of turns to raise me . We worked quietly for a while , the silence awkward . Finally he pulled out a face , an ordinary shape but painted with streaks of black and white . He held it up . I hated it , but it was only paint . Paint could easily be removed and redone , later . It was less work than swapping out parts . The structure of the face underneath was good . I nodded . It broke the tension . " Dad said there might be a place for us at Carnival Two , working the show with the dancing bears . " He kept his gaze firmly on our son , focusing his attention on attaching the black - and - white streaked head to the still - empty torso . " It 'd be a step up from running a dart game , a better position for our son . " Thinking about our son working a show at the carnival made me remember my own childhood . I had always wanted adventure , but now dancing bears seemed more dangerous than glamorous . Life on the tracks was harder , even for me with all my turns . Carnival folk almost never made it to a thousand days . Their springs gave out when people were in their 800s , sometimes even sooner . " I want what 's best for him . " " It 's good luck to name him before he goes to the maker . He 'll get a better spring that way . " Vale answered . " What about Matts ? That was my grandad 's name . " I thought about my Grandad , and all the stories he 'd told about the maker . " My grandad was Ettan . What about Mattan ? We could still call him Matts for short . " The maker gave me forty - three turns the day that I met my child . My darling Mattan got only four . Something was wrong with his mainspring . I was definitely no mechanic , but I could hear it , a strained and creaking noise like metal bending to its breaking point . What could you do with four turns ? How could I teach him the world if that was all he had to work with ? I picked up my son and carried him to meet Vale . My mind churned with worry for my son 's future and guilt at having more than my share of turns , but at the same time I was grateful to be wound up enough for everything that needed to be done . I saved Mattan a turn of walking by using an extra one of mine to carry him , and he could see the world that way . Light from the ceiling reflected off the white stripes across his face , and I admired the contrast against the black . I had been too hasty in condemning Vale 's choice , it was unusual , but striking . " This is your father , Vale , " I told Mattan . He nodded happily but made no attempt to speak . The mechanics of speech were complex and used more turns than a simple nod . Even now , newly made , he was aware of his limitations . It made sense , I suppose . I 'd always been able to feel how tightly wound my spring was , even when I was young . I showed Vale the mechanical counter above our son 's key . There were two dials of numbers , enough to show two digits , which made Mattan 's tiny number of turns seem even smaller , if such a thing was possible . " He only has four turns . " It was too much , even for me . On Mattan 's third day I wound down in the afternoon , right in the middle of my shift working the darts . Vale took Mattan home in his sling , but he didn 't have the turns to carry me to bed , so I stood there , right where I stopped , and the carnival - goers clustered around me , gawking . A grown woman , wound down in public like a child who had not learned to pace herself . Vale had gone out that morning to spend a few turns with his dad . I was supposed to repair the dartboard , covered in painted bulls - eye targets . It had cracked , and we needed it for our game , but Mattan had never asked for anything before . He 'd heard Vale talking about his dad and the acrobatics he did for his show . I didn 't have the turns , but he had made the effort to ask , and I didn 't have the heart to tell him no . I carried him to Carnival Two , and we watched the acrobats practice their trapeze act . We didn 't see Vale in the audience , and his father wasn 't practicing with the others . We sat as still as we could and watched , saving our turns for the trip back to train nine . Vale was already there when we returned . He stared at the broken dartboard . It reminded me of the day I 'd left the tangled threads , and Papa had chastised me for not doing my work first . " Mattan asked to see the acrobats , " I said . " He spoke for the first time . He 's never asked for anything , and I couldn 't tell him no . " " Mattan doesn 't have the turns for these things , " Vale said . His voice was cold , angry . " You don 't have the turns for this either . You have to pull your weight with the carnival if you want to stay . You know that . " " And what about our son ? " I demanded . " He can 't fix dartboards or run carnival games , but that doesn 't mean he has nothing to contribute . " Vale shook his head . " Maybe not , but he can 't pull his own weight , and he 's cost us the chance to move to Carnival Two . They might have taken us , but they refuse to take Mattan . " It was only then I realized that for all this first week , Vale had never once called him Matts . This was not the child he wanted , and he was refusing to bond with him , trying to protect himself from the hurt . Or maybe he was simply being selfish , unwilling to use his turns on his own child . He was certainly disappointed at losing his chance to move to Carnival Two . The train made its slow circuit from the Attic City to the brightly painted Children 's Room and down the long hallway to Closet City , and I used my turns to help Mattan get through his days . When the train stopped in the shadow of the maker 's bench - the place where I 'd grown up - I left the carnival and took Mattan with me . Vale didn 't argue ; he was relieved to see us go . Papa was delighted to see me , and to meet Mattan , and he welcomed us into his home . I began to fill the role that had once been his - taking him to get his gears tuned or his paint retouched - and everywhere we went I carried Mattan . I had turns enough to care for Papa and Mattan both , so long as I did nothing else . I tried not to think of adventure , or freedom , or even the future . If I kept my focus on the present moment , I could do everything that needed to be done , but only barely . Being at the recycling center reminded me of the day Vale and I built Mattan , although here the parts were organized neatly on shelves , not piled high in a disorganized heap on the floor of a train car . These parts were more uniform . There were no spider legs or pincers , and while the faces were painted with a wide variety of features , there were none with bright garish colors or distinctive patterns . None that looked at all like Mattan . Mattan sat perfectly still , his painted - black stripes cutting across his face like harsh shadows . He had three turns today , enough for us to do everything we needed if we were careful . I moved around the room , holding up arms and legs for him to see . The limbs he picked were neither the biggest nor the smallest , painted the same deep brown as his child - sized arms . I brought them over . Mattan 's fingers curled , a movement that mimicked the way he squeezed my shoulder when he was excited , but before I could attach the new limbs he asked , " Will these be too heavy ? " The question broke my heart . Yes , these limbs were heavy . All the added weight meant that it would take more turns to carry him . I had selfishly hoped he would choose smaller limbs , but they were his limbs , and this was his choice . " These are beautiful , and I have a lot of turns . I can still carry you . " It was the right thing to say , and Mattan was so happy with his new limbs , but when I carried him home from the recycling center his weight stole the tension from my mainspring more quickly than before . We lived by our turns , and my son - now fully grown - couldn 't spare enough to walk across town . I was furious that the world was so unfair , and my heart broke thinking of all the things he didn 't have the turns to do . But if I was being honest , my heart also broke for me . Vale had abandoned us and Papa was old , so I would be the one to carry Mattan everywhere , always . That thought was in my mind when Carnival Nine came to town , an ever - present weight that I could not shake away . My love was endless , but my strength was not , and I longed to escape the unrelenting effort of taking care of Papa and Mattan on my own . I wanted to see Vale , to have some turns all to myself , to do exactly as I pleased for once . I didn 't wake Papa or Mattan . I left them in their beds - did not ask permission to go out or even explain what I was doing , simply left and walked to the trains . They wouldn 't be able to do much today , without my help , but between the two of them they 'd be able to manage . " With my father . " I didn 't know what to say after that . I 'd wanted to see Vale , but what could I really talk about with someone who wouldn 't help raise his own son ? He was like my mother , too selfish to share his turns . And here I was , at the carnival , wasting my turns on a foolish whim instead of taking care of my child . " I shouldn 't have come . " Vale frowned . " I owe you an apology . I didn 't . . . I mean , I wasn 't prepared for how things went , and you 've always had more turns , so it seemed to make sense for you to take him . I 've missed you . " " It 's been lonely . Difficult . " I admitted . Once I started , the words came pouring out . In Closet City I 'd felt like there was no one I could talk to - Papa had always been so good at taking care of everyone around him , so responsible , there was no way I could complain to him . But I could pour everything out to Vale . If nothing else , at least he would understand my selfishness . " I have the turns to give Mattan a good life , but only if I never do anything for myself . I take care of Papa , I try to let Mattan see some of the world , and it is so rewarding but I want something for me , some little bit of the adventure I was always chasing as a child . " And we did . It was like seeing the carnival for the first time , the animals and the acrobats and the games . Vale was kind and attentive and we planned out possible futures and talked about the time we 'd spent apart . It would have been a beautiful day if not for the constant gnawing guilt of having left Mattan and Papa behind . The worst was that I hadn 't even told them . I had been so sure that I did not deserve time for myself that I had made things even worse by stealing the time instead of asking for it . " This was nice , " I said , painfully aware that I needed to leave soon if I wanted to have enough turns to get back home . Despite the guilt , it had been reinvigorating to have the break . " Maybe tomorrow I could come back with Mattan ? I think he would love to see you . " I walked home , and I was nearly out of turns by the time I walked in the door . Papa was in bed , but Mattan was up , sitting perfectly still at the table , obviously saving a turn to tell me something . I walked directly in front of him , so he wouldn 't have to turn his head . I unloaded Papa into the same train car where he had once unloaded Granny and Gramps , the car where Vale and I had later assembled Mattan . I stayed while they took Papa apart , by his side now when it didn 't matter , instead of yesterday when it might have . No . It wasn 't Papa I had abandoned yesterday ; Papa had never woken up . He would never know . It was my Mattan who had spent the entire day alone , knowing that Papa was gone , having no way to call for help or do much of anything at all but wait for my return . And now he waited again , resting in the sling on my back as Orna , one of our train 's mechanics , carefully opened Papa 's chest and removed the gears , sorting them into bins as she worked . Her movements were practiced and efficient , she wasted no turns . All too soon Papa was gone , nothing but a pile of parts . " I did a terrible thing yesterday , " I continued . " I wouldn 't have gone if I had known about Papa - I thought he would be there to help you - but I shouldn 't have done it even so . I 'm sorry . " Vale studied us for a time , saying nothing . Was he noticing that I still carried our son , even now that he was an adult ? Or was he simply studying the black - and - white striped face he hadn 't seen for hundreds of days ? My guilt was for a single day , a single slip . What did he feel , abandoning us for most of his son 's life ? " Mattan , " Vale began . He shook his head and started over . " Matts . I know I haven 't been a father to you , but I 'm ready to help now , if you want me to . Join me on the train ? " The question was for both us , Mattan and me . I had no tie to Closet City now that Papa was gone , and with Vale 's help we would have enough turns for a better life for all of us . I wavered , undecided , the weight of Mattan pressing down on my back . He didn 't speak , waiting for my decision . Would Vale really help take care of our child , or would he go back on this promise ? Mattan squeezed my shoulder , pleased with the decision . I was excited that we might be able to be a family again , but another thought haunted me , something that had been eating at the edges of my mind - what would happen to Mattan when I wound down ? For hundreds of days I 'd pushed this thought from my mind - I was healthy and full of turns , and Mattan , well his mainspring was bad . I had convinced myself I would outlast him . Day after day Vale took nearly even turns with me , carrying Mattan on his back as he worked our game or hauled boxes of prizes to and from our platform . I used as many turns as I could spare helping all the newest additions to the carnival - always a turn for a turn , trading endlessly into the future , extracting from everyone I helped a promise to pay that turn forward to Mattan after I was gone . Was it enough ? Did it erase that selfish day when I abandoned my son ? I 've heard it said that every hundred days passes faster than the previous hundred . In childhood , the days stretch out seemingly forever , and we spend our time and turns freely on any whim that catches our fancy . But at the end of our lives , each day becomes an increasingly greater fraction of the time we have remaining , and the moments grow ever more precious . A hundred days , a hundred more , time flits away as we make our slow circuit on the train . Vale winds all the way down , hard working and supportive to the end . On his last day , he apologizes again and again for abandoning us . We 've already forgiven him , but he cannot forgive himself . The other carnies start giving back the turns they borrowed from me , helping Mattan through his days . I have no turns to spare - there have never been enough turns , even for me , and I 've always had more than my share . An acrobat named Chet , a man with stripes on his arms that match the stripes on Mattan 's face , comes more often than the others . I thought at first that he was trying to fulfill his obligation quickly and get it over with , but no , he lingers even when he isn 't working off his borrowed turns , keeping up a constant stream of chatter , unbothered by the fact that Mattan rarely answers . Chet shares bits and pieces of his past mixed in with gossip about everyone else in Carnival Nine . My spring is on the verge of breaking , I can feel it . The maker gave my son and me the same number of turns today . Ten turns . Fewer than I 've ever had , and the most my son has ever been given . For a moment , I am filled with regret at the harsh limitations of his life . His days are already short , and his spring is so bad that he won 't get the thousand days that I have gotten . He will be lucky to live another 100 days , and he is only in his 600s now . I comfort myself with the knowledge that at least he has Chet . He won 't be alone . I asked Mattan a while back what his favorite day was , his favorite memory , and he 'd answered without hesitation - the day that we snuck out together to see the acrobats . So today we ignore what little work we might have done and walk to the tent where the acrobats perform , both of us side by side because I no longer have the turns to carry him . We sit perfectly still and watch the acrobats twirling and flying through the air . I think back on my thousand days , on what I 've done with my life . The way Papa had taken such good care of me , and how in the end I 'd chosen to follow his path , and done my best for Mattan . My life has been different from the adventures I imagined as a child , but I made the most of the turns I was given , and that 's all any of us can do . © Copyright 2017 Caroline M . YoachimRead Comments on this Story ( 3 Comments ) ShareThis with FriendsCaroline M . Yoachim lives in Seattle and loves cold cloudy weather . She is the author of dozens of short stories , appearing in Fantasy & Science Fiction , Clarkesworld , Asimov 's , Lightspeed , and previously in Beneath Ceaseless Skies , among other places . Her debut short story collection Seven Wonders of a Once and Future World & Other Stories was released in August 2016 by Fairwood Press . For more about Caroline , check out her website at carolineyoachim . com . If you liked this story , you may also like : " Seasons Set in Skin " by Caroline M . Yoachim " Your Figure Will Assume Beautiful Outlines " by Claire HumphreyReturn to Issue # 225Comments & Scrivenings3 Comments on " Carnival Nine " |
By the time Jesse spotted Geronimo it was way too late to outrun him , the big Chief was almost on top of the boy . It 's not as if Jesse didn 't try , he ran as fast anyone could in a ' drip dry only , one size fits all , do not iron ' cowboy outfit but his enemy was catching up with him , and fast . Jesse slid in behind a large rock , the space being just enough to allow the boy to squeeze through with little chance of Geronimo following . He squatted down for what seemed an eternity and tried to avoid breathing too heavily . Suddenly Jesse felt the air move above his head and looking up he saw the massive fingers of his enemy feeling around for the boy 's head . There wasn 't much room to move in the cavity and this allowed Geronimo to grab Jesse 's hair with ease . " That 's hurting . " " Then come out little warrior and I will save you more pain . " Jesse had no option but to come crawling out . He was then made to lie on his back as Geronimo lifted his tomahawk high into the air . Sure enough when he lifted his head the rest of the class were staring back at him , nothing unusual there . Some kid at the back shouted ' don 't kill me Geronimo ' in a high pitched girl 's voice and all of the other kids started laughing . Jesse was still feeling stupid when he met with his mother . " Sure . " He hated the way , even although he was eight years of the age , that his mother always took his hand in public . " Stop struggling hun , I 'm not letting you go and anyway we 're going to see someone . " All sorts of stuff went through his mind , like maybe she had seen sense and was going to get him that new game after all . Jesse and his mother stepped off the bus right outside of the ' Golden Pastures Home of Serenity ' . To Jesse it looked like a prison and once he had been dragged inside , it smelt like one too . His father , his real father , was in prison and Jesse had been to visit him a couple of times and boy did the place smell . " I haven 't been to see him in a very long time . " Pushing open a glass door , they entered what the big - nurse - man called the day room . In one corner , a young woman was trying to get those who occupied the chairs to exercise and stretch . Mostly they just stared out of the window . In another corner , two or three women were learning to arrange flowers in vases . Over by the library of unread books were two people sitting painting . A young guy called Steve was showing them how to put the water colours onto the paper . " Very good Sadie , very good indeed " . The other budding artist was a man who looked as if he had been famous at one time , at least that 's the way it seemed to Jesse . He was concentrating on his painting but his eyes looked as if whoever was inside of his head had gone home . " This is your grandfather , Jesse . Dad meet Jesse , Jesse meet my dad . " Jesse 's mother cleared a very nervous dry throat . " I know I haven 't been to see you much and I 'm sorry . We 're both sorry . " Steve said " I 'm sure he knows you 're there , don 't worry if he 's quiet . " Jesse 's mother took her son over to a corner to have one of those ' talks ' but this one seemed to make her more uncomfortable than usual . " I 'm going to leave you here for a while Jesse . Now stop looking like that . How often to I ask you to do anything ? Eh ? Don 't be selfish . You can help your grandfather to paint . Get to know him . " As Jesse 's mother walked back down stairs , she kept telling herself she had no choice , no choice at all but to leave the boy . Back home she had Jesse to look after as well as Ed , her boyfriend , who was in the process of being a professional musician . Ed slept most of the day and was sometimes out with his band in the evenings . To keep the house going she had to work double shifts , mostly back - to - back at the local Supervalue store . She seemed to have the uniform grafted on to her body to prove it . Luckily Jesse had brought his hand held computer with him , it was an old one which he 'd been given by his father , his real father , not that Ed guy who his mother let hang around . He knew when his dad came out of prison he 'd buy him a new one and he 'd get rid of Ed . His dad had made Jesse a promise , not about Ed but about the computer . Jesse looked at his grandfather who just kept painting without turning his head . They bought one burger on the way home although Jesse suspected that Ed had kept most of the money in his pocket . When they got back home , Ed told Jesse to go up stairs and do his school work or something as Ed was busy with his guitar . And could he please keep the noise down as Ed had to concentrate . Jesse tried to keep awake as long as possible . He didn 't like falling asleep when Ed was there because when he woke up , Ed had usually gone out to buy beer with the remainder of the burger money . Jesse crossed Sinclair Street at the last minute , just as a bus was turning the corner , which meant that Geronimo had to wait . At least that 's what Jesse had thought but there was Geronimo on the roof of the bus beating his chest . Jesse dived into Mrs Swanky 's garden and hid beneath the Rose Pagonias . He was sure that Geronimo had failed to see him and thought he heard the warrior passing on down Sinclair Street . After a few minutes Jesse felt it was safe to crawl out from the bushes , still he had to make sure that Mrs Swanky wasn 't staring out of her window - something she seemed to spend hours doing . It felt safe enough and so he made a dash for the side gate . However just as he turned he saw that Geronimo now had a partner , someone he 'd never seen him with before - it was Ed dressed , not as an Apache as he would have expected , but as a circus clown . Jesse hated clowns and Ed probably knew this . Now Geronimo and the Clown were chasing him through Mrs Swanky 's vegetable garden . Jesse noticed that the door to the garden shed where Mr Swanky used to sit and smoke , was open . So he jumped in and slammed the door behind him , all in one glorious movement . Through the window he could see Geronimo and the Clown discussing how to get Jesse out of the shed . It was just then that he spotted the flaming torch that Ed held in his right hand . They were going to smoke him out or worse still , burn the shed down . The next afternoon it was only Jesse and his grandfather in the painting corner . Sadie had been taken away and as far as Jesse could work out , it was something to do with the police coming to get her . He 'd heard the big - nurse - man say that it had been a cardiac arrest . Jesse thought she must have done something really bad to get one of those . He told him about how he always tried to keep awake so that Ed wouldn 't go to the bar , and how , when he did fall asleep , Geronimo and his friend the Clown were out to kill Jesse and that the Clown was really just Ed in disguise . As Jesse had expected his grandfather didn 't say a word but just kept painting what looked like hills and trees . Thankfully it was his mother who came to get him that night . This time he managed to outwit them all - they had expected Jesse to jump out of the window - but he ran down the stairs and out the front door . He was half way along Sinclair Street before they realised he was even gone . He had only stopped to catch his breath for a moment when he saw not one , not two , but at least six clowns led by Ed heading towards him . He had to face it , it was all over for Jesse and that was that . At eight years of age he 'd had a good life and now it was time to meet up with his posse . There was nowhere to run , that was until someone grabbed him by the collar and threw him over their shoulder . They sprinted through all the gardens and didn 't stop until they were safely on the main road out of town . When no one seemed to be following them , his rescuer put him down by the side of the road and told Jesse to sit on the big rock by the tree . It was only when Jesse put his hand over his eyes to shade them from the sun , that he realised that the man was his grandfather . " Granddad ! " And so they talked and talked . His grandfather told Jesse about all the dreams he 'd had when he was Jesse 's age and how he 'd had a good life . Jesse told his grandfather about how he tried to keep awake but ended up falling asleep in school and how the kids laughed at him . " When I was a boy I always wanted to go the prairies and see the forked lightning . Don 't ask me why but you 've got live your dreams Jesse no matter what . Now I 'm stuck in a home just painting and waiting and no chance of ever seeing the lightning . Don 't be like that my lovely boy , always , always live your dreams " " Wait " said the big - nurse - man " he finished that painting , your father , before he died . Maybe you 'd like to take it with you ? You can collect the rest of his stuff later . " The house was built to be admired . It had even outshone the new hotel that stood only a few yards away on the corner of Main Street . The town of Kingston was growing up fast , sitting pretty and , above all , ready for the fast approaching twentieth century . Andrew had been born here on the edge of the Catskills , unlike the rest of his family who had originally hailed from Lansdale , Pennsylvania . They had made their money in retail around the Market East area of Philadelphia , launching their grand store in the opening weeks of the American Civil War . Most of the brothers and sisters had built villas around the Schuylkill River but Edward , Andrew 's father , had decided to sell his share of the claustrophobic business and move to the Hudson valley in New York State . Edward continued to work in the trade by investing his money in , and running , The Fifth Avenue Emporium in Manhattan . Each morning , he would ride the train from Kingston into the Grand Central Depot and each evening , after making more dollars than he could ever possibly need , would return home again . If he was being honest , Edward lived for those return train journeys , smoking his cigar and reading his journal as the evening sun set on the shimmering Hudson River . Edward 's eldest son , Brett , was currently attending West Point Military Academy and each night , as the train passed nearby , the proud father would give a small salute . His middle son , Michael , was studying , as had all the family , at The University of Pennsylvania and it was his hope that Michael would follow in his father 's money making footsteps . His youngest son , Andrew , was born only a year after the family had moved north and was still to blossom into a creature that Edward could mould . As for Isabel , his devoted wife , he was pleased to report that both of them still found each other 's company attractive . Andrew didn 't attend any of the schools in Kingston , instead his father had engaged a tutor to ensure that all the educational needs , which Andrew required , were carried out at home . There was also a nanny on hand , in case Andrew was in need of a woman 's touch ; his father thoroughly satisfied himself that he had thought of every possible need and want for his youngest son . When the boy required some fresh air and outdoor pursuits , Edward would take his son hunting up into the hills around Woodstock where Edward would stand behind his son helping him to aim the rifle and pull the trigger . What Edward couldn 't see was that Andrew had his eyes closed almost constantly and detested the thought of killing another living creature . The head of one of Andrew 's ' kills ' was stuffed and mounted and put in pride of place in the trophy room of that house which stood on the hill and was built to be admired . One day Edward took Andrew into the study to give him his birthday present . " But my birthday is not for another two weeks , Papa . " " I know that son , but your mother and I will be travelling on that day , so we thought you should get your present sooner rather than later . You see , that is how much we love you . " Andrew could tell by the gun - shaped wrapping , what the present was and he wasn 't disappointed . Edward and Isabel were planning to attend The Chicago World 's Fair and would miss their youngest son 's birthday . Edward explained to Isabel , in terms that she would understand , that their son Andrew would have many more birthdays but the World 's Fair only came along once in a generation . Edward felt his wife understood and was happy to comply . Andrew watched the carriage pull away from the house as his parents left for the rail road station and on to Chicago . No one had asked Andrew , but he would have loved to have gone to the World 's Fair . He was now in his tenth year and no one had ever asked Andrew what would make him happy . Andrew loved reading and his current passion was Woodstock by Sir Walter Scott . He had taken the book , with his father 's permission , from the family library believing it to be an adventure story about the little town that lay in the Catskills . Instead , it turned out to be an exciting story about the English Civil War and with the family away the library was all his , so he planned to read Ivanhoe , by the same author , next . One stormy Sunday , and co - incidentally Andrew 's birthday , the nanny was called away to Highland to attend to her mother who was dying . She had given Andrew little thought as she assumed the tutor would be on hand and anyway , she needed to travel the fifteen miles south as soon as possible . The tutor was indeed at home , but had confined himself to bed with a severe cold having been warned by Edward that should he ever be ill , he should separate himself from the family at the earliest opportunity . Not wanting to have the parents come home to find young Andrew the subject of a tutorial infection , he had remained in his top floor bedroom . On the wall of the family library , on the side which was forever in the shadows , there hung several photographs taken of Edward and his hunting trophies . One such photograph was of him on Slide Mountain just after he had ambushed and killed a particularly old deer . His father had never taken Andrew as far as Slide Mountain , which according to the tutor , was the highest in the Catskills . It had gained its name from a landslide in the early 1800s which had left the mountain with a large wound near its summit . Andrew 's father was always referring to his own elder brother , Charles , as Slide due to the heavy head injury he had picked up at the Battle of Gettysburg . Andrew decided that since no one was going to ask him , he 'd make his own happiness on his birthday and take himself off to Slide Mountain . So on the afternoon of the stormy Sunday , Andrew took some bread and cheese and placed them in an old satchel . He considered taking his birthday present , just in case of wild animals , but decided against it and condemned the rifle to remain in the cellar . The gentle climb out of Kingston and up towards Hurley was easier than Andrew expected but then he didn 't have the prospect of shooting an animal to look forward to . Once at the top , Andrew could see both Overlook and Slide mountains in all their glorious splendour . Andrew and his father regularly climbed the trail to Overlook but it was always busy with grown - ups and even more annoying , according to Edward , were the new hotels rising up all over the mountain . So Andrew decided to walk straight on and head towards Slide . He might be just a kid , but he wasn 't stupid and if there was one thing his father 's hunting trips had taught him was that he had to keep a watch out for wildlife ; for his sake and theirs . Copperhead snakes especially as they were mean . He had only gone a further mile or so , when Andrew heard a rustling sound out to his left , he was hoping it wasn 't hunters or Andrew would be in real trouble . He stopped and held his breath and realised that the sound was following him in parallel . Andrew squatted down and slowly pulled back the vegetation , only to see a black bear cub staring straight back at him . They were both very surprised at the sight of each other which caused Andrew to fall flat on his back and although Andrew knew little about bears , he was surprised that the bear didn 't make his attack . Andrew quickly crawled back a few yards and then stood up , it was then he noticed that the bear cub 's leg was stuck fast in a rock crevice and the poor animal couldn 't move . So one abandoned child decided to help another abandoned child - I mean , he just couldn 't leave the bear out there to die , now could he ? His father had told him that if a bear threatened , he should not make any eye contact and to back off as quickly and as quietly as possible but , hey , this was a small bear , just like him . Andrew found a fallen tree and used it to ease the stone which was holding the cub 's leg , just enough that it was able to free its leg and run for a few yards . It then turned and growled which Andrew had assumed was its way of saying ' thank you ' . Except it wasn 't , it was calling on its mother who was approaching . " Don 't run , don 't make eye contact , don 't run , don 't make eye contact " was all that Andrew kept saying over and over to himself . He backed away towards a sturdy tree which was nearby , and was just about to climb it when a soft voice spoke from behind it . " Don 't climb the tree " whispered the woman , " you 'll only get yourself trapped , stay perfectly still and look at the ground . Don 't even scratch your nose . If you understand me , breathe a little heavier " Andrew took a long breath . " Good " whispered the caring voice . " Now don 't be alarmed little one but I 'm going to pick you up and run some , only a short distance . " ' Don 't run , don 't run ' was still going through Andrew 's mind , when all of a sudden two large arms came around the tree and lifted him off his feet . He could hear the bear growling and starting to move towards him . Andrew was almost hanging upside down from the gigantic woman 's arms and he could see the bear closing in when all of a sudden he was in a small room with a door and no windows . The gigantic woman threw Andrew in the corner then placed a large piece of wood across the door . The woman signalled to Andrew to be quiet , which he did to such an extent that he almost stopped breathing . After a few minutes of listening at the door the woman , relaxed , took a deep breath and whispered " She 's gone " then said " Hi , my name 's Mary " " Andrew " " Good to meet you Andrew , you sure did have a close one today , someone up there must be looking out for ya . When it 's clear , we can head up back to my cabin and get you cleaned up " And that is what they did . Mary kept an ever watchful eye out for anything else , as she and Andrew walked to higher ground , arriving at the homely cabin with the smoke coming out of the chimney . In that little hour , Andrew was probably shown more care and love than he 'd been shown in all his short life . The food that Mary served up was easily the tastiest that he had ever put in his mouth , and he loved the way she whistled while she was cooking and serving the meal . " When we 're done , we can talk about what you were doing up in these woods alone . Ain 't you got a ma and pa ? " Andrew nodded that he had and then continued eating . So the biggest woman in Andrew 's short life did indeed hug the life out of him , then she set him down by her side , always keeping one arm safely around him , and she told him a story . " You see Andrew . . . can I call you Andy ? " and the boy nodded " Well Andy , you 're a lot like me , you 're one of the others . My mother was one of the others and so was her father " Because they had not mixed with any other beings , they believed that this was how life was meant to be lived , that each of us should always love and care for one another . But then , and remember this was still a very long time ago , the land of Atlantis arose in steam and fire and the ground below their feet began to break apart . Some swam , others took to the hills while some built small rafts and put to sea . As they looked back from their little boats they could see the land of their home disappear below the waves . Some of the good and brave survived and reached the lands we know of today but because they did not want to frighten those they had come to know , they dressed and lived as the strangers did . They married and had children - they fell in love with those they lived amongst and through the families they passed on the life force of the Atlantis people . Not everyone was lucky enough to claim such heritage , but once in a generation a child would appear who had all the properties of Atlantis . They would be kind and loving , although they would be rarely understood . They would go out into the world and although they would be alone , they would do great things because they knew that they were children of Atlantis and they would never forget . " When I saw you , Andy , I knew straight away you were one of those children " " For sure , little one " So Mary took Andrew 's hand and led him back across the valley , up over the ridge and down to the house that was built to be admired . As for Andrew , he displayed all the goodness that Mary had told him about . When he had finished college as a doctor , he travelled to Africa and looked after the sick and the poor . And never , for one second , did he ever feel alone again because he knew he was a child of Atlantis and that was a good thing . I was born in the West Coast of Scotland - a beautiful part of the world . Grew up in Paris , France and Woodstock , New York . I studied writing at college and gained a Masters . I wrote a short film ' Stealing Moses ' which was selected by the British Urban Film Festival , 2015 and was supported by Channel 4 . I have been selected to pitch at BAFTA , twice . I trained through TAPS at Emmerdale and The Bill . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . 1 . The day Bingo met The Angel The day that Bingo died was the day I decided to put on my walking boots and leave town . Bingo ha . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . Andrew came across the newspaper cutting while packing . It was as soft as felt . Blurred and brushed at the edges , paper turned to cloth . There was a who . . . Philip found a bee today . It was in a bucket of water at the allotment . He didn 't know where it had come from , or what had caused it to end up in the wa . . . |
That day is a blur ; it was supposed to be my day of rest , after going out to Union to search for Dad on Saturday , Sunday , Monday . I had set Wednesday as my return to work , if we didn 't find him . I had very mixed feelings about going back to work . I couldn 't stay out indefinitely ; what if we never find him ? Sometimes , people who go missing are never , ever found . They just disappear without a trace . How does a person just disappear ? The laws of physics tell us that matter cannot be created or destroyed in a closed system ; therefore , he can 't just be gone . He is somewhere in the Escheresque universe in which I 've been living since 8 : 40 Friday morning ; I just can 't find my way to him . The angles are all wrong , they are impossible , incomprehensible . I 've been saying : " My dad is missing " . I could just as easily say : " I 'm missing my Dad " and mean it in all its double - entendred glory ; he 's missing ; I miss him ; oops , have I missed him ? What am I missing ? When someone goes missing , what happens to the people who are missing them ? What do they do ? Do they return to their jobs ? Do they shop for groceries on the way home from work ? Do they still buy Metrocards , and make sure that there 's milk in the refrigerator for breakfast the next morning ? Do they plan their meals for the coming week ? What about the laundry ? Do they carry on , do they do all of these things , all the while waiting for a call from the police or the FBI or a hospital or a morgue that their loved one or their loved one 's body has been found ? Or do they simply sit still ? Do they wait by the telephone , or stake out a spot in front of the computer , searching , researching , unable to move ? Do they take their cellphones into the shower ? Do they take showers ? Whatever I am doing , I feel like I should be doing something else instead . What if I 'm doing the wrong things , and that 's why I can 't find the right angle ? Is my approach all wrong ? I 've never known anyone else who had this happen . I have no experts to consult . I need a roadmap for this terra incognita where we are marooned . My plan for Tuesday was to talk to the detectives in the morning and get them to set the bloodhounds looking for my father . We were in Day 5 ; Dad had been missing for ninety - six hours ( I had decided that , when we got to one hundred hours , I would switch to counting days ) . Frank and I awoke to the alarm , took our showers , ate our breakfast , drank our coffee , shared the New York Times , watched Weather Channel , just like we do every day . It was all so nice and normal . I turned on my computer to check email . I had messages from my friend Janice asking if there 'd been any word ( no ) ; from my friend Peg , who pointed out how easily the elderly become invisible to the rest of us , allowing as how if Dad had gone out in his pajamas , someone might remember having seen him ( he had done that already , the week before ) ; from Nancy , letting us know that she , Chris and Grant would be in New Jersey by around 2 that afternoon . She added that Chris suggested that one way to get Dad back would be to buy and install an air conditioner in his dining room ( Dad was legendarily spartan about heating and cooling ) . The search had become its own creature , apart from Dad ; Dad and the search for Dad were two separate beings . There had been moments when I felt we were searching just for the sake of doing something . It wasn 't that I thought our efforts were useless or hopeless ; there was a small ( and shrinking ) part of me that thought we might yet find him , and find him alive . Surely there was a reasonable explanation for him being missing ; the Laws of the Conservation of Matter decreed that he was still somewhere in the known universe . Since Friday , I had been dealing with the unknowingness of my situation by trying to control those things I could . To be effective , to move forward , I had to be dispassionate about the alternatives that lay before us . I had to be on task , I had to manage time well , I had to ruthlessly prioritize . It was like managing the store ( people / product / operations ) , except this really was life and death . I wasn 't alone ; I had lots of help , all the help I could ask for ; my husband , my siblings and sibs - in - law , their children , our friends were living through this with me ; but I felt so terribly alone . Okay , so the detectives would have dogs and helicopters … Det . Moutis said that we should register for a Silver Alert . I said I 'd set it up if he sent me a link . Monday night , when I got home from New Jersey , before we had dinner , Frank and I were talking about places that George and Barbara and Alyssa and Kevin and Glenn and the neighbors and I couldn 't get into to search on our own . Frank had made a list of the kinds of places that should be searched ; abandoned buildings within a reasonable radius ; houses that had been foreclosed upon , and were vacant ; garages , sheds , outbuildings , even on occupied properties - we 'd had a cat years ago who had gotten locked in a neighbor 's garage by accident , and he 'd been missing for three days before the neighbor returned , opened the garage , and out came our Patch . Maybe Dad crawled into or under an abandoned car in a foreclosed garage and has been unable to get out and come home . Maybe he fell through a rotted floor in a vacant , derelict house . Maybe he got lost again , and went into a house that he thought was his , except it was empty , and now he thought we had sold all of his things or that he had lost the house to taxes . When we had his income taxes done earlier that spring , he got confused , and thought the new accountant was there to take his house away . Maybe he was looking for Mom . My email to Det . Moutis crossed with his email to me giving me the web address for setting up a Silver Alert . I should have guessed it - www . silveralert . org - and I can 't remember now why I couldn 't . I registered my dad for the Silver Alert and uploaded the picture that we 'd used on his flyers . I emailed the link to Det . Moutis and all my sibs with the login and password . For some reason - and I don 't know if it still works this way - the login and password were only good for an hour , and I had to re - log - in and re - upload his picture once the hour was up . I called my contact at Union 's Channel 12 to give her Dad 's information and the Facebook page URLs so she could do a screengrab of the flyer . I promised to follow up with a flyer by email , in case the screengrab wasn 't sufficiently clear . Lexi promised to get the information on the air that day . Janet and Wally were at Dad 's , getting ready to leave for Maryland , since Nancy was coming up . Someone had to be in Maryland to take care of the total of five cats and one dog between the two households , so Janet and Nancy tag - teamed . I think that George and Barbara were both back at work - it 's so hard to remember now , and my cell phone and text records aren 't clear . Alyssa had finals coming up , so she was back in school . John was planning to arrive on Thursday . Maybe we 'd find Dad by then . The detectives had arrived , with the bloodhound and his handler from the Essex County Canine Unit . It was mid - day . They 'd had to wait for the bloodhound to come from the next county , because Union County didn 't have one of their own . The handler , wearing latex gloves , took my father 's old worn pajamas outside , and spread the top and bottom out on the lawn in front of Dad 's house . ( The image I conjured for myself of my father 's nightclothes spread out on the lush grass is indelibly imprinted on my mind 's eye . ) The handler wears gloves so that he doesn 't transfer his own scent particles to the scent article . I am in my living room . I am waiting , too . I text Glenn ( not wanting to tie up the phone ) ; he has heard nothing , and is getting anxious . They have not been gone long . The bloodhound veered left at the head of the path , into the woods , without hesitation . They went deep , deeper , following my father 's scent , over brambles , and weeds , and thickets of vines , into the heavy brush . They found him lying on the ground . He said it would have been impossible to find him without the bloodhound . The brush and tangles of vines and weeds were more than two feet high ; Dad had sat down on a log , taken off his shoes , and either lay down or fell back . He was on the ground , his glasses and tan hat were off to the side , his watch still on his wrist . He was clothed except for his shoes , which were on the ground next to the log . They would have to confirm his identity with dental records . He had been out in the elements for more than one hundred hours . The coroner would later say that he had almost certainly died the first day . That would account for the lack of sightings , I thought to myself . Nancy , Chris , and Grant arrived at Dad 's house at about the time that the detectives were calling me . I must have called Janet and Walter , John and Cheryl , Barbara and George , but I don 't remember doing so . Frank came home sometime in the late afternoon and I told him . I am sure I was crying , but I don 't remember . I texted my friends . I called the store and told Emery that they had probably found my father , and I wouldn 't be coming in on Wednesday after all . Janet and Wally are due in from Maryland at about noon . I have to make some calls before I leave . I 'll be on the 9 : 47AM LIRR to Penn , and pick up the 10 : 37 NJT train to Roselle Park . That will get me to Jersey at about twenty past eleven . I 'll have the chance to get a couple of things done here before I leave , and to get a couple of things done at Dad 's before Janet and Wally arrive . I call the UCPD . The dispatcher recognizes my voice . I ask to speak to the desk sergeant . I verify that the new platoon has my dad 's photo . I tell them we are continuing our search today , and that I need to speak to the detectives when they come in . I can 't listen . I love her , and would have spared her this news if I didn 't feel I had to prepare her for a bad outcome . But , I have my own burden of fear to carry , and it is heavy enough . I detach myself carefully , tell her I have to leave for New Jersey to continue the search , and promise to keep her informed . George and Glenn are waiting for me at Roselle Park . As we edge out of the parking lot , I look at each of them and ask if they mind if I speak very freely . They both nod for me to go ahead . " I think that if we find Dad , we won 't find him alive . We may not ever find him at all . He 's been gone too long . " Glenn says that he didn 't want to be the first one to say that , but he agrees . So does George . They are both relieved that I have said this out loud . I ask George if he thinks Barbara and Alyssa are preparing themselves . He isn 't sure . I tell him about my conversation with Barb in the A & P parking lot on Sunday , when I asked about Alyssa . We get to Dad 's and open up the windows to air it out . The weather 's been beautiful since Dad disappeared ; there was only a brief shower on Saturday , late afternoon ; otherwise , it 's been sunny and not too hot . Glenn 's been taking care of the mail over the weekend , not letting it pile up on the porch . The neighbors all know about Dad , and have walked the woods and the neighborhood themselves . Ron , the neighbor across the street , tells us about a shelter in Elizabeth ; maybe Dad is there . George 's neighbor Joanne had mentioned one too . Both places were on the list that Nancy and Janet have been calling all weekend . None of the neighbors , or the shopkeepers , or the cemetery workers saw him Friday morning . It 's like Dad walked out of his door and into thin air . I have been playing phone tag with the detectives through the day . Finally , I get to speak to them briefly . They give me their direct dial numbers and email addresses . I talk to them about where we looked for Dad over the weekend . Detective George Moutis told me that everywhere he and his partner , Detective Ken Elliot , canvassed , we had already covered . He and his crew had seen scores of our flyers all over Union . And they had fewer leads than we did - they had no sightings at all . They hadn 't come across even one person who had seen Dad on Friday , or since . Janet and Walter are going back to Maryland in the morning ; Nancy , Chris and Grant will be up in the early afternoon . Barbara is at work , and Alyssa is at school . John is flying in on Thursday . I am going home to rest for a day , and go back to work on Wednesday , unless of course Dad is found . When I get home , I tell Frank about what the day has held . We eat our dinner , watch a movie or some South Park episodes ( I don 't remember , and I think I fell asleep ) . Before bed , I email the detectives ' contact information to all the sibs and spouses . I am up by 6AM . Dad has been missing for forty - six hours . I take my shower , check my email and begin with my plan for the day . I spend the early morning tracking down local media outlets - broadcast and cable television , radio , newspapers - and emailing them flyers . By 9AM I have contacted local channels 2 , 4 , 5 , 7 , 9 , 11 and NJ 12 ( who said they needed a press release from the police - that will be my first thing Monday morning , if we haven 't found him by then ) . I contact the NY Post and the NY Daily News . I don 't bother with the Times because this is happening in Jersey and they won 't care . If he is still missing tomorrow , I will also hit the local New Jersey newspapers - I can look them up and get their contact information when I get back tonight . A bit past 9AM , I talk to the dispatch officer at the police station at the beginning of the day shift . The new platoon is out with pictures of Dad in their cars . My mom 's best friend Thea has made the same arrangements at the 110th Precinct in Corona , just in case Dad ( somehow ) did make there . It is looking less and less like a realistic scenario , but we all feel the need to cover all the bases . If I thought he could come up with the idea of flying somewhere , I 'd have posted at the airports too . I just want to find him . All the sibs have the flyer in their email inboxes , and all the sibs are forwarding it to their address books with instructions to pass it on . All of us on Facebook have forwarded the page I created last night . Alyssa made up her own page , using the same layout , and called it Help Me Find My Grandfather . She forwarded the link to all of her Facebook friends and they are in turn forwarding it to theirs . The page has over a hundred " likes " already , most of them Alyssa 's friends in Union . John and Cheryl are tweeting it on Twitter , Barbara is posting it on her fitness boards . Barb emailed me first thing this morning that she 'd had a dream that their cat Dallas was missing . She said she found her on the side of Dad 's house , alive , buried in some snow . Barbara says she is going to look by the side of Dad 's house this morning , again , just in case . At this point , we know that if Dad hasn 't been taken into an ER or shelter by someone , his mobility will be limited , he will be exhausted , hungry , dehydrated , off his meds for more than forty - eight hours . Our best hope for finding him is that he is resting somewhere - a park bench , bleachers , a shady spot under a tree . We covered that ground yesterday and will do it again today . We 're going to visit some of the same places , in case there are new people there who don 't know about Dad . Before I leave , I email Nancy and ask her to find email addresses for Our Lady of Sorrows and P . S . 19 in Corona , and send them the flyer with a note . I ask her to get email addresses for the hospitals and shelters on her call list , and send them the flyer . Everyone at these places is aware that we are looking for Dad ; it will help keep him in the front of their mind if they have a picture to refer to , and the knowledge that there is a family who desperately wants to find him . Barbara offers to fax the flyers from work to any place that doesn 't have an email address . The guy at reception today is the same guy who was there yesterday , and he still hasn 't seen Dad and there have been no John Does admitted . Our flyer is posted on the wall behind the desk , behind the thick Plexiglas window that separates him from me . I use the hospital rest room and go back out to the car . George takes me back to his house , where he and Glenn are working replacing a faucet , and Barb , Alyssa and I leave in Barb 's car . At 2 : 02 PM , my cell rings . It 's George . Patty from Café Z thinks she saw Dad near the Lowe 's on Morris Avenue in Union . It 's two miles from his house , but Dad has walked that far in good weather many times . George and Glenn each get into their cars and separately approach the location Patty described from opposite sides of Morris Avenue . They don 't want to miss him . Walter calls me at 2 : 08 and I tell him about the sighting . I am talking with both him and Janet when Glenn calls me . I switch to Glenn 's call . George is coming up in the other direction , sees Glenn 's car , sees the old man , sees it 's not Dad . They go to Café Z to tell Patty , and to thank her . It 's the only real glimmer of hope we 've had in fifty - four hours . They go back to the house , deflated . I take the 10 : 03AM from Murray Hill to Penn . I bring an extra $ 50 and the Capital One credit card statement so I can stop at the bank at the corner of 7th Avenue and 33rd Street in between trains . The NJT train won 't leave until 11 : 07AM anyway . That 'll give me almost half an hour to cross the street and pay the bill on its due date . It 'll also add the slightest semblance of normalcy to my increasingly surreal situation . When I get to Penn , I go to the NJT ticket machines and get two off - peak round trips ( I can always use them , is my very practical thought ) . I go up the escalator , turn left and walk to the Capital One on the next corner . It is empty at 10 : 35AM . There is one teller on , and no line . I pass the statement and my fifty - dollar bill under the bulletproof glass . She takes the statement and the money , inputs the account information , completes my transaction , and slides me my receipt . We go back to Dad 's , so I can walk around the house myself . I just want to see for myself how he left things . I know this is not logical , because since Dad left , Vee has been here , Glenn has been here , the policemen have been here , detectives have been here , George and Barbara and Alyssa have been here , and maybe some other people , too . We leave Dad 's , grab a quick bite at Galloping Hill , go back to George and Barbara 's house , and go over what 's been done so far . They walked the woods by the house yesterday , and again today . They walked the woods by Washington School again this morning . They 've been driving around the neighborhood . Barb thought she saw Dad when she was out driving and looking . It was about 7AM . She was driving up by Union Station , on Morris Avenue , when she saw an elderly man walking . She slowed down , and took a good look . She couldn 't really tell ; he had his hat pulled down , and he wasn 't facing her . The man 's clothing was similar … . could it be Dad ? She got out of the car , and went up to him , looked at his face , closely . I 'd brought my staple gun and packaging tape with me from home . We have to make a flyer for posting . I ask Barb if I can use her computer . I go downstairs to work . I remember that Alyssa has recent pictures of Dad on her Facebook page - she and Dad visited the cemetery right after one of the huge snowstorms this past winter , and I know that there are a couple of full - face ones . I right - click copy the one where he and Alyssa are looking right at the camera , paste it into an image editor , and crop Alyssa out . I close in on his face and center it . I type my text , fine - tune the spacing and size of the text so it can be easily read from a passing car , and print out about a hundred of them . The first place we visit is the cemetery . We post a flyer on the tree by Mom 's grave and ask her to watch over Dad , and to please help us . We know that if he can be helped , she will see to it . We go to the office and speak to the manager ; he knows my dad . He has seen Dad visit Mom 's grave every day in every kind of weather . He says all the groundskeepers know who Dad is , too . He asks the ones on duty if they saw him . No one can remember if he was there yesterday or not . He promises to keep an eye out . I give him some flyers , and ask his permission to post some more around the cemetery . He agrees . I look back at him over my shoulder on my way out , and I catch the unguarded sadness on his face . We visit every park , every local body of water ( dementia patients are attracted to bodies of water , I had read somewhere , sometime ) every doctor 's office , school and playground that Alyssa ever went to with Mom and Dad , posting flyers . We go to Town Hall ( post , outside and in ) , to the library ( post on the bulletin board and on trees in the parking lot ) , up to Café Z to tell Patty , the owner , and leave her some flyers and our cell phone numbers . She knows Dad well - we 've had our family Thanksgiving dinners there since the year Mom died . We drive up and down endless streets , posting . We leave flyers with whomever we speak with in Union . We post more . In Westfield . In Kenilworth . In Cranford . In Garwood . The first time Dad went for a walk where the cops brought him home , they found him up by Saint Demetrios , almost three miles from his house , a few blocks away from the precinct house . That was almost three months ago , in late March . Two patrolmen just starting their midday shift saw an elderly man who seemed confused and went up to him and asked him if he was okay . He couldn 't figure out where he was , but he knew who he was and where he lived , so they took him home and called Barb at work . At about 2PM , George left a voice mail on my cell to let me know what had happened , and that he had sent Glenn over to Dad 's to look in on him and make sure he was all right . I called Dad as soon as I picked up the voice mail , but only got the answering machine ( with my mother 's voice on the outgoing message ; we 'd never changed it ) . I called Barb , and we tried to figure it out ; we thought that Dad must have been on his way to the cemetery , which meant he was walking for about four hours , if he followed his habit of leaving the house at around 8AM . He had probably just continued on Chestnut Street instead of taking the left fork on to Galloping Hill , at the Five Points intersection where Galloping Hill Road and Chestnut cross the end of Salem Road . He was found all the way up on Rahway Avenue , past the entrance to the Garden State , past the turnoff on to Stuyvesant and Cioffi 's , almost as far from the house as Alyssa 's high school and Café Z . We drive and walk and post flyers for a few more hours , all over Union . By Dad 's house . Around the corners , both ways . On Salem Road . On Chestnut Street , by his bank and the vegetable store where he buys his bananas and the Dunkin Donuts . By Eisenstat 's office on Galloping Hill Road . I am finally exhausted , and George drives me to the station so I can go home . We post flyers all along Chestnut Street as we go . Tomorrow , we will do this again . Tagscaregiving , Come to Me , Duty , elderly parents , faith , family , father , friends , grief , home , hope , joy , loss , love , Matthew 11 : 28 , mercy , missing , Missing Dad , missing persons , parents , patience , prayer , responsibility , search , search dogs , siblings , strength , trust The police meet Vee and Glenn at Dad 's house . They call me for details about Dad and where he would be likely to go . They want to know where he shops , where he banks , if he has friends he liked to see , who his doctor and dentist are , which area schools are the ones Alyssa has attended ( since he had shown up at her elementary school in his pajamas just eight days before ) , what church he attends , and anything else that might help . I have to leave soon , to go to work ; I am the manager - in - training at the Papyrus flagship store on Broadway and 76th Street in Manhattan . I am scheduled for noon until closing , which means I need to be on the 10 : 33 train . I would call out if we weren 't so short - staffed . As it is , our full - time keyholder , Mary , will be alone until I get there . Emery has a travel day and is going to be at both of his other stores giving performance reviews . Jacque isn 't scheduled until four , and since her review is supposed to be at the Columbus Avenue store , she probably isn 't even going to get to Broadway until almost five . If I call out , Mary will be alone either until Jacque comes in , or until Emery can get there . That just won 't work - that store is just too busy , and cannot run with only one person on the floor for six hours - is there anybody else who can cover me on short notice ? No . ( So , what would happen if I got hit by a truck on the way there ? Would they find someone then ? ) I 've managed the floor by myself for hours , or worked a thirteen - hour open - to - close shift when staff calls out or just doesn 't show up ; that 's precisely why I don 't do that to other people . Not even today , with this good a reason . I call Mary on my way to the train to tell her my father is missing . She said , " Oh , did they find him ? " I said , NO , HE IS MISSING . No one knows where he is . I get to Penn before eleven . I have no news from anyone . I have enough time to try to find a charger for my phone . I hadn 't charged it the night before and I 've been on it almost the whole morning . I take the local to 79th Street , stop at the T - Mobile store to see if I can find what I need . No dice - the sales associate practically laughs at my three - year - old no - frills Samsung . I try the electronics store across the street . They don 't have one either , but I do replace my broken watchstrap with a new black leather one . I never bring my cellphone on to the sales floor , but I make an exception this day . I am fielding texts from my sisters asking if there is any news , while I am emailing back and forth with my district manager and Corporate about a man who had attempted to make a fraudulent return in our store . In between , I am ringing up Father 's Day cards for customers . Frank checks in with me a couple of times , to see if I 've heard anything , to hear how I sound . He knows me better than anyone else on God 's green earth . He can pick things up in my voice that even I don 't know are there . Such are the blessings of a long - term happy marriage . " I haven 't heard anything from anyone . I 'm going to Port Authority after work , in case Dad got on a bus . " ( I 'm scared and I don 't know what else to do . ) " No news . Yes , thank you for offering , please come and close the store with Jacque . I don 't know where my father is , and I don 't know what is happening . " I grab a cab on Broadway , and I call home from my cell as the cab makes its way downtown . I am going to Port Authority on the small chance that somehow , my dad tried to come to see me in New York . Maybe he waited at our old bus stop , got on the 113S bus , got out at Port Authority and … . what ? Did I really think he could find his way to the 7 train , go to Corona , or to Flushing ? No , I didn 't . But in case he did , I need to tell the cops to be on the lookout . I hear the worry in my husband 's voice . I have to do this anyway . My mind 's ear hears him saying , " Come home now " when what he is really saying out loud is good luck , be careful . The cabdriver has overheard my conversation , and asks me if I am okay . I tell him my dad disappeared that morning and has been missing all day . I tell him why I am going to Port Authority . He asks me my father 's name so he can keep him in his prayers . We take the turn east on to 42nd Street , past Holy Cross Church , and at the southwest corner of 8th Avenue , he lets me out . I find the police station in the terminal . I speak to the desk sergeant , who asks me to take a seat and wait for the officer who will help me . She is very understanding and kind - she has heard this story before ( but it was never my story before ) . I give her a description of my father . I pull out the wallet - sized studio photo of my whole family that my brother had set up for Dad 's 80th birthday . She photocopies it . When she comes back , I tell her that the day we took the photo was the first time in twelve years that we had all been under the same roof . The only other picture I have of Dad in my wallet is the one from December 1972 , with him and Frank and me all dressed up for a gala dinner dance celebrating Our Lady of Sorrows ' 100th anniversary . In that picture , Dad is five years younger than I am now . I call my mom 's best friend , Thea , as I am leaving the police station - she works at the 110th Precinct in Corona , our old neighborhood . She still lives next door to the house I grew up in , on 42nd Avenue . She will put the word out at the 110 , just in case Dad somehow finds his way " home " to Corona . As soon as her husband hears the news about my dad , he takes a folding chair downstairs and sets it up in front of his building . He will wait there until about midnight , until he is exhausted and has to go upstairs to sleep . He is determined that , if my father comes walking down 42nd Avenue , he will intercept him and return him safely to Union , New Jersey . I won 't find this out for a while yet , but throughout the day , Frank has been trying to find ways to help me . Friday is one of his days at NYU 's School of Medicine , where he is the computer tech for a research group in the Psychiatry department . He has been asking the doctors who work there how he can best help me through whatever is coming . On his way home from work that Friday , he goes up to a police officer and tells him about my missing dad . The cop gives him an outline of what to expect and when , if Dad isn 't found on the first day . Frank is taking the long view ; he already knows that if Dad isn 't found before nightfall , the outcome is unlikely to be positive . When I get to Penn , I stop into the police station on the Long Island Railroad concourse , and tell them my story . They are very kind and , as the Port Authority police did , they take down my information . I get on the 7 : 49 Port Washington train to go home . I get in at about twenty past eight . Frank has dinner waiting for me , keeping warm on the stove . I eat , we talk . Unless we hear something tonight or early tomorrow , I will go to New Jersey in the morning to search for Dad . I will be with Barbara , George , and Alyssa . They , and Glenn , and Alyssa 's boyfriend Kevin have walked the woods by the house and near the Washington School several times already to see if they can find any sign at all of Dad . After dinner , I turn on my computer . All of us sibs and spouses discuss next steps by email . Nancy and her husband , Chris , are thinking of coming up , but I think it 's better if they stay in Maryland for the time being . Their eleven - year - old son , Grant , still has another week or so of school . Nancy and Janet ( who lives two doors down from her , with her husband Walter and their four cats ) can make calls from home - they will call hospitals , senior centers , homeless shelters , soup kitchens , urgent care centers , clinics , and any other place they can think of to see if there are any John Does matching Dad 's description . My 88 year old dad wandered off from his home and has been missing since 8AM Friday morning . He was gone when his morning caregiver arrived . Our extended family and friends and the Union County police are looking for him . I visited the station at Port Authority and talked to the PA police ( just in case he got on a bus , but I doubt it ) . I notified a friend of mine who works in our old home precinct in Corona ( just in case he tries to go back " home " ) . My father has been missing for more than sixteen hours . It 's dark out . He is almost always cold , even on hot summer days . I try not to think about this . I do not succeed . Sometime between dawn and eight AM on Friday the eleventh of June , Tony Karabaic left his home to take a walk . He locked the inside door and the porch door . He didn 't set the alarm because sometimes he would forget how to make it stop . He walked down Huntington , made a left at the corner of Livingston , and walked down past Forest Drive to the shortcut path through the woods to Salem Road . At 8 : 10 that same morning , his morning caregiver , Vee the RN , arrived . She rang the bell ; no answer . She took out her key and let herself in . She stood in the living room and called his name ; no answer . He was hard of hearing ; maybe he just didn 't hear her . His tan corduroy recliner - its worn fringed throw flung haphazardly over it - was empty . The piles of papers on the coffee table were in the same places they were in yesterday . Nothing seemed to be disturbed . There was no radio on - maybe he wasn 't at home ? She would have to look . She walked into the dining room . His pajamas were draped over the back of a dining chair . That was good - the last time he went out for an early morning walk , he was wearing his pajamas and slippers . Vee went into the kitchen . No dishes in the sink or on the table , but the bowl and glass were in the dish drainer . Had he eaten his breakfast ? Where was he ? She glanced over to the kitchen table , to see if his pills were in the gold glass ashtray on the table . There were a couple left in there - she looked to see which ones they were . Good - the afternoon and evening doses of Sinemet , his Parkinson 's med . The morning dose , the Xalatan , and the Felodipine were gone . She walked out of the kitchen to check the small bedroom , where his granddaughter Alyssa 's toys and drawings were . The high - riser bed was made up , with its hand - crocheted afghan neatly tucked beneath the foam bunker cushions , the little stuffed cats and bears neatly arranged atop them . He sometimes took a nap here later in the day , but this bed hadn 't been slept on lately . He was nowhere to be seen . Vee went back into the living room , and up the stairs . She turned left at the top of the stairs , to look in his bedroom . The room reminded her of a monk 's cell , with its spartan twin bed , simple chest , and holy pictures on the wall . The bedsheets and blankets were rumpled ; the room bore the warm , heavy scent of sleep . Okay , it looked like he had spent the night here - that was something . She went into the master bedroom , where his late wife , Georgia , used to sleep . There were papers and envelopes neatly arranged on the white chenille bedspread , but no Tony . She looked in the little office . She looked in the extra bedroom where his kids slept when they stayed for the weekend . She entered the bathroom , pulled the shower curtain aside , checked the bathtub . She went down to the basement . Those stairs were so treacherous . She walked around , both hoping to find him , and hoping not to . But he wasn 't there . The clothes he had worn the day before were also on the dining room chairs . That was another good sign . That meant he definitely hadn 't left last night - Vee had probably just missed him . Maybe he went to the store . He liked bananas , and he 'd eaten his last brown one yesterday . She went back outside to see if he was in the yard . The car was still there , but that was because the battery had died two months ago , and his children had not wanted to replace it . No one wanted him to drive anymore . She 'd heard that they 'd already talked to him about selling the car to Alyssa 's boyfriend . Vee couldn 't get into the garage , but she knocked hard on the door , and then listened to see if she could hear anything inside . Nothing . Barbara had been through something just like this with Dad the week before . In the early morning of June 2nd , he showed up at Alyssa 's old school in his pajamas and slippers . The cops had brought him back home . Vee and Glenn drove for about a half hour , crisscrossing Union . They went to the cemetery - always the first choice . Until recently , no matter what the weather was , he visited Mom 's grave every single day . It had been almost five years . As soon as she got Vee 's text , Barb emailed me that Dad was missing from the house and that Vee and Glenn were out looking . Just before I saw this in my inbox , my husband Frank came into my studio to say we 'd had a missed call from a 908 number . I figured it had to be Vee checking in , so I called her , and that 's how I found out Dad was on the move and no one knew where . It was around nine when I called them - they had been so helpful the other three times this had happened - the policemen had found him and brought him home before any one of us ever knew he was lost . The UCPD dispatcher told me they would send someone to the house . I called Vee , and Glenn , and they went back to Dad 's to meet the cops . This essay is not meant to be an excuse for looting or rioting or violent demonstrations ; it 's meant to be an explanation for why that might occur even under the best of circumstances ( which these times are not ) . It is a call for empathy , for feeling another 's pain as though it were your own , and understanding what that experience of unrelenting pain can do to a human community . # IGetIt Share this : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on WhatsApp ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pocket ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . September 11th ~ Thy Kingdom Come … 11 I get up at 5AM to get into the shower and be ready to go with Jannie and Wally by 7 . Before I get into the shower , I check the answering machine - no messages . Good . The first is a doctor from East Orange General , telling me that my mother has had a major stroke during the night . He is sorry to say that there is no brain activity and that her body probably won 't live through the day . The second is Wally who has heard the news and is asking me when we should tell Dad . The third is George who has also heard and wants to know what to do . Frank awakens , and comes out of the bedroom as I am getting ready to leave . I tell him what is happening . I have to go , now , to get to the hospital with Janet and Walter . They will be here in a few minutes . I take the phone number of the client Frank will be working with today , at Cryder House , in Whitestone . There is nothing he can do , so I think he should carry on with his day . I will let him know what is happening . I take my overnight bag with a change of clothes , just in case I need to stay in Jersey . My brother is coming back from Ohio . Nancy , Chris , and Grant are back on the road north to New Jersey , having arrived in Maryland a scant few hours earlier . I am on the road with Walter ( driving ) and Janet ( riding shotgun ) . We pull into the parking lot at East Orange General . I don 't know how , but John is already here . Janet , Walter and I meet him in the hallway . We all hug and kiss hello , and make our way to the ICU . John is crying . We are numb . Barb , George , Alyssa and Dad are already there . Dad is distraught . The neurologist enters , introduces herself to all of us , looks for the person she should talk to . She takes me aside . I tell her I have Mom 's health care proxy , and I know her wishes , which are " no extraordinary measures " . She asks me if my father grasps the seriousness of what happened , that my mother / his wife is being kept alive only by the machines . I tell her he might comprehend it if she tells him , but that he is unlikely to accept it from me without her saying it first . Dad has a real respect for medical authority ( we will use this later on to help him ) . All of us are in a knot around the doctor . I hold Dad 's hand as she tells him . He looks at me , questioning what he has heard . I tell him Mom is gone , only her body is still here . He doesn 't know what to do next . We speak about what Mom said she wanted , if this situation ever occurred . Mom wanted us to just let go . " Let 's wait , " he says . He doesn 't want to turn anything off ; he wants to give her a chance . Nothing needs to be done right now , so we will wait . There are tears , lots of them , a priest named Father Mitch , wooden rosary beads , a wonderful nurse named Beth . My two best friends in the world are named Mitch and Beth . I feel that this is a sign , that the priest and the nurse are God 's own angels sent to help ease my way into this new and awful motherless world that I am about to enter . We have Father Mitch give Mom last rites , even though she is Greek Orthodox , and he is a Catholic priest . This comforts us all . I keep the rosary beads in my hand . ( To this day , I carry them in my purse , everywhere I go . ) Despite my earlier reservations about East Orange General , the ICU staff is as good as any hospital staff I have ever seen , in real life or on television . They are sensitive , they are caring . They do their best to make Mom comfortable , and to comfort us . I wish these had been the people taking care of her at Kessler next door . My mother 's face is gray . Her skin is totally relaxed , softly sagging from her cheekbones . She has a thin stream of black fluid trickling from the right side of her mouth . There is a tube in the left side of her mouth . She is no longer in any pain . I take a white cloth and gently pat away the black fluid , but it keeps trickling . I am on the window side of the bed . Alyssa is on a chair at Mom 's left side . I ask her if she 's scared . She 's only twelve and a half years old ; I think she 's a bit young to sit through this . Even my sisters , her aunts , have a hard time looking at our mother like this . We sit in the room , the wooden rosary beads from Father Mitch in my hand . I haven 't said a rosary in years , but the nuns at Our Lady of Sorrows taught me well . I only leave my mother 's bedside to use the bathroom , or if Nurse Beth asks me to leave for a moment so she can tend to one thing or another in the room . I look out the window , down to the street . There is a truck out there with the name " Angelica " on its side . My mother 's mother 's name was Angelina . I see this as a sign that she is close by , waiting for her daughter . At one point - I 'm not sure how long after the others left with Dad - I am alone in the room with Mom and the endless beeping . I am holding her hand . I bring my face close to hers and whisper . " It 's okay . You can go now , if you want . Dad will be fine , we will be fine . I love you . You can leave . Don 't worry . " We call the others . They pull off to the side of the Garden State Parkway . We tell John , Barb , Chris , Walter , George . We don 't tell Dad . We will tell him when he gets here . He holds his forehead , shock and grief etched on his face . His eyes , wild and full of tears ; he says " Claud , you kids … please don 't leave me . Don 't leave me alone . " At first , I thought he meant he didn 't want to sleep alone in the house that night . He had a houseful of family ; he wouldn 't be alone . I realize later what he really meant ; he is afraid that he will be alone now that Mom is gone , that we kids will leave him to his own devices , that it was our mother who was the center of all things and that now he will lose us , as he had lost her . |
September 9 , 2015September 9 , 2015 breakdowntown First of all , how are you doing ? How is ( your stepmother ) doing ? What happened there ? I hope she 's okay . 😦 I don 't know if you can tell her that I hope she 's feeling better , but I really am . Mental health issues are such a fucking bitch . Is she taking medicine to help with it ? I imagine this must be incredibly stressful for you . Don 't take it out on your body , though . Get enough sleep and eat as well as you can . I don 't think ( my sister ) will ever talk to me again . For real this time . She has gone so far off the rails that she 's in the river at this point . In no way am I even close to joking - that girl is crazy , and I feel bad for her because she doesn 't know that she needs help . Fuck . I 'm not sleeping , and when I do I have bad dreams and nightmares , so I don 't even know where to start . Mix that in with going down on xanax - I 'm at 5 . 5mg / day from 8 to 10mg / day in July , and I can 't think straight unless I get sleep , but I can 't sleep because of the withdrawal symptoms . Ugh . So , while I tell this story , please forgive me if it 's all over the place . About ten days ago I saw a posting on one of those local Facebook groups about these two boys who were going to be homeless and needed a place to stay . Of course I offered your bedroom and the downstairs areas . It was arranged that I would take them in for a few months . Their dad had gone to jail several months ago for like , a day , for something stupid but not in any way violent and when that happened their mom decided that she was going to leave her husband . She wanted to leave super fast , and so she had the kids help her pack some stuff up , the moving truck pulled up and the kids had packed their bags , and when the truck got there their mom announced that she would be going alone . At first she said she was moving to a new house across town , in ( local town ) , but she ended up in Arizona with her parents . The kids were like , wtf ? She just left them there ! ( Youngest boy ) just turned 12 and ( Oldest boy ) just turned 15 - way way way too young to be going through something like this . So their dad goes into a deep depression and starts using heroin for some fucked up reason . This is a completely normal , middle - class family guy , and he just couldn 't take it that his wife left . He stopped paying rent and going to work . A few months go by and he starts going back into work regularly , but never paid the rent and so he didn 't notice that his landlord had posted an eviction notice . So finally , 3 days before the sheriff was due he decides to start moving out . Except he had no place to go , and he didn 't tell the kids anything about the eviction . He had some friends help him take stuff to a storage unit . Well , a day or so later the kids are walking home from the skate park and their dad is at work , and they get home and the house is padlocked by the sheriff . They , again , are like , wtf ? So the oldest decides to take his brother next door and his dad never came home that night , so he decides they 'll just sleep there that night . That was fine for one night , but not any longer than that . So their dad gets them and takes them to stay at this crack house with like 8 other adults , where they stay a night . At this point his girlfriend tells her mom what 's going on , and she ( her name is ( not nice lady ) , and like all ( not nice ladies ) , she 's an airhead / bitch - although this one is not totally heartless ) she takes them into her house . It 's all good and she 's got money and a lot of help from her husband , it 's a good family , but she can 't keep the boys there because her older 16 year old daughter hung herself ( unsuccessfully ) and then a few days later ran away to Portland . So that 's the night that the boys came to stay with me . They are like , shell - shocked . They don 't come out of their room . They don 't use the kitchen . We put another bed in that room but the younger one always sleeps in the same bed as his brother . It 's fucking sad as hell . Okay , now - work . So it 's been 2 full months since I started working with ( my sister ) at the shop and things were going okay . I learned a lot , kicked ass , and did a lot of great things even though she was stressing every day and freaking out on me constantly . I just bit my tongue and figured that she was stressed , so whatever . But she kept getting worse and worse . Every day she was saying HORRIBLE things about the guy that owns the place and is just giving it to her , training her in every aspect . All day long that 's all I heard - how he is out to sabotage her and ruin her life . She got more and more paranoid about it . It started to freak me the fuck out because she started to get paranoid about other things , too . Like , the owner used to have this lady come in and do some work for him , and when ( my sister ) took off to PA in mid - July for her nervous breakdown and was gone for 2 weeks I hired ( that same woman ) to help me work . She was AMAZING , really . And super nice . The day that ( my sister ) first came back to work and met her she HATED her . She called her a redneck hick ( to me ) and talked down to her . She was so nasty to her . So we go in the next morning and I check the work email and ( the woman ) emailed that someone drove by and saw her truck there , and told her boss , and he said that she can 't work a second job , especially at a competitor , so she couldn 't come in anymore . Of course that 's not possible because she had parked her truck behind some fucking bushes , but it 's a good story and an easy way to say " I 'm not working for psycho bitch , but thanks for thinking of me . " So ( my sister ) starts saying that ( this woman ) saw all the things she was doing and is conspiring to start her own company , buy a building , and take all of her customers . I 'm like " what in the actual fuck ? ? ? " Why would she want to do that ? She 's 62 years old and in NO WAY interested in doing that ! She lives near ( far away town ) - she is not a threat to ( my sister ) at all , but she wouldn 't stop saying these paranoid things about her . There 's other stuff , too . Like , totally believing that when we ordered fabric that the lady who took our orders when ( my sister ) called them in wasn 't actually sending us as many yards as we 'd ordered but was charging us as if she had - or that she was billing our account for things we never ordered . I had to keep going online to the bank account in front of ( my sister ) to show her that nothing like that happened . Then she started fucking up every single job she did . I mean , simple things , too . I think she was doing it on purpose , maybe ? I don 't know . I just feel like she wanted to get out of the business because she wasn 't succeeding or something . Maybe . I don 't fucking know - but she continued to get more and more bitchy , picky , and yelly . She relentlessly picked on me . She said that I looked like an aging hippie . She said I had to " stop wearing those fucking leggings and get some real jeans or something . " Like , seriously ? ? ? So I explained that because of my weird pregnancy thing with ( my youngest ) where I had too much amniotic fluid it tore the abdominal muscles down the center of my stomach , that my waist was just way way way bigger than it should be , and that I literally CAN NOT wear jeans or pants without elastic waists , and she didn 't care and just said " That 's bullshit - stop dressing like a teenager . " She told me to get my hair cut to a normal length - hell , I even dyed it brown to make her happy ! ( I refuse to cut it , though . ) What else did she have a problem with ? Oh , that I didn 't " do " my hair every day , didn 't put makeup on for work , that she had to drive me to work and drop me off ( even though she has been bringing her dog over every single day because of the heat and we have A / C so she 's here anyway so what does it fucking matter if I go in her passenger seat and don 't take my car ? That would be a stupid fucking pointless waste of gas , which I can 't afford , because she 's not fucking paying me ! ! ! ) She was just constantly so mean to me . The final straw was when it started getting … weird . Like , I was starting to sense that there was this weird violent vibe behind the mean shit she was saying to me . See , she has always told me that I 'm not " allowed " to go to job sites with her because " that 's not what I hired you for . " Then on Sunday night I reminded her that she had a 9 AM appointment to meet with this really old guy who wanted her to take a look at his ' 00 Cabrio 's roof because a seam had split and he couldn 't afford a new roof , but his wife just loves the car so much so he wants her to be able to drive it . So , I go to bed on Sunday night , wake up like 2 hours later , because nightmares again , and I 'm up for a few hours - see ( my sister ) come online at about 5am , and start trying to sound cheerful . I said " Good morning ! ! 🙂 " shit like that . She took forever and then said Good morning back - then I said , eventually , that I was going back to bed since she wasn 't going to pick me up at 8 because she had to go the opposite direction to meet with the old guy . Because of that , and her having to meet with him at 9 , I figured that it would take 20 minutes at his house , and that she 'd be here at 9 : 45 , so I told her that yeah , I was going to try and get a little sleep . I was really pissed . I 'm serious - the guy WAS a total sweetheart of an old man , too . When I had talked to him about his car on the phone when he made the appointment you could just tell that he was really lonely , and he said that his wife had gone on a trip , and then he said he 'd be sure to put coffee on for ( my sister ) when she came because he knew it was first thing in the morning . I told him she would LOVE that , and you could pretty much persuade her to do the job if he gave her really good coffee , so he was like " I have my favorite secret coffee from New Orleans - and I 'll buy her some pastries , too - I know the kind to get her , she 'll love them ! " Just so incredibly super fucking sweet . That 's why I told her to be nice to him . So why the FUCK did I have to miss going back to bed and actually getting maybe 3 hours of fucking sleep especially since I 'm not " allowed " to go on customer things ? ? ? ? And it made no fucking sense to me . Like you can see , she just said " Cause this is a work thing and I don 't have all day . " What the actual FUCK did that mean , and uhm , I 'm the one who schedules shit so I know you have plenty of fucking time to dick around if you wanted to . Whatever . I just said okay and slept for 45 minutes , woke up with a fucking headache , and then she picked me up . First she was pissed that I needed to stop at Starbucks . It was between ferry 's so there was like , NO traffic , and nobody at Starbucks so I have no clue why she was mad . So I asked her if she wanted anything and she said " No . I don 't want to have to be drinking a cold mocha . " Uhm , ok ? ( And hey , just assume I wanted to buy you a $ 5 mocha and not a $ 2 . 50 fucking regular cup of coffee , right ? ) So rude . So I get my coffee and I start to move her stupid cup holder ashtray that she uses so that I could put my coffee down , and she was like " No , don 't do that ! " So I had to literally put my coffee IN my purse because it was so fucking hot . I spilled it everywhere and was so pissed . We get to the old guy 's house and she 's already pissed because it is " too far out of town to be going . " Although she said she would NEVER take another job on ( Island where shop is ) again , and it was like seriously 5 minutes from where we lived when we first moved here . Honest to God . I spot the Cabrio and she slams on the brakes and then backs up to his house . Spill more coffee . I start to get out and she says " Don 't say anything - this is my business and I do all of the talking . " Then WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE ? ? ? ? ? ? She then proceeds to be a total . fucking . bitch to the guy . She said she couldn 't fix the seam and she didn 't really examine it . I know she could have fixed it - all she would have had to do is have the top open so it wasn 't all stretched tight , apply adhesive to the seam , and then stitch it for good measure - maybe clamp it for a few days , and let it set . I said to myself that I would come back to his house and just offer to do it for him . Then she talks him into letting her sew a fucking strip of 3 ″ wide LIGHT BLUE leather over top of the seam for $ 300 - and ONLY if he brought the Cabrio to the shop . Son . The Cabrio and top were DARK BLUE . But the leather doesn 't come in dark blue - and do you know , can you imagine , how fucking stupid a 3 ″ strip of ANY color leather on the back seam above the rear window of that car would look ? ? OMG . So he invites her in for " that coffee I promised you … " and she said " Well , only since you already have it made . " He looked at her heartbroken . 😦 He didn 't have it made already . We followed him into his house , it was cute , and he apologized for the mess because his " sweetie " was out of town and he was being a man . He starts telling us story after story while heating the water to make her this coffee - I took a picture of the can with HER phone so now I don 't know what kind it was - and she 's not even listening to him but standing there literally tapping her foot . I wanted to fucking slap her ! She kept being so rude to him - interrupting him , saying stupid shit , it was awful . Anyway , so then he wants to quick show us his shop where he makes birdhouses and I told him I really wanted to see it because I LOVE birdhouses , which I actually do . ( my sister ) gets pissed about that . We go in , he shows off his stuff , and is trying to make ( my sister ) happy for some fucked up reason and then he gives her the cutest bird house that he made . I was like , DUDE - why ? ? ? ? But he was like , trying to cheer her up or something . She FLIPPED the fuck out on me . SCREAMING while she 's driving down the highway that " YOU CAN " T FUCKING TAKE EVERYTHING ! ! ! ! " She was saying that I take everything and I totally didn 't fucking understand where in the hell she was coming from ! ! ! It was CRAZY ! So I was getting really anxious and just said " Hey , don 't worry about the fucking birdhouse . " We were near Walmart when I said that and she didn 't speak a fucking word to me from that point until about oh , 45 minutes later . It was fucked up . She didn 't have a lighter - she couldn 't find it for some reason , so she needed to use mine on the way to the old guy 's house - but she was so pissed at me that she wouldn 't even ask me to use my lighter - so she didn 't smoke at all until we got to the ( local gas station / coffee ) shop and she went in and bought a lighter . ( She knows I have like 5 lighters in my purse , seriously - she KNOWS that - so another WTF ? ? ? ) After she got in the truck I 'm still really anxious and I want her to lighten up so I start reading her funny Jimmy Fallon quotes from his facebook page and she 's not responding AT ALL , so I just stop . We pull into work and the lights are on in the shop already - and ( the owner 's ) van was there , so evidently he was there and opened up . No big deal . He owns the place , he can do what he wants , right ? She goes in and doesn 't say anything for about 3 minutes . He is talking to her and I hear him say " I notice you 're only talking in single word sentences . What 's going on ? " Well , OH MY GOD . I thought it was bad in the truck ! ! This was ten times worse . She opened up on him and was flinging " you fucking fucked me over " and " you fucking said … . " and " You never fucking planned on giving this business to me … . " and " I don 't even fucking know why you 're in the shop ! " and on and on and on . It made NO sense and it was so fucking uncalled for - ( son ) , I was fucking terrified . It was like when I was a little kid and my mom would flip out like that on my dad and I 'd LITERALLY hide under my bed and push covers around me so if anyone looked under they 'd just think it was a bunch of shit stuffed under the bed and no kid . That was like a daily fucking thing growing up and I guess something triggered in me and I got really scared and started shaking . I tuned them out and just went into panic mode - you know how when you 're in that mode you can 't fucking hear anything being said ? Well , I didn 't hear anything , but it continued for another five minutes or so - and keep in mind that ( the owner ) is nearly 70 years old and semi - retired , and really , really wealthy , so screaming matches at work are NOT something he 's used to ( like who the fuck would be , though , right ? ) ( The owner ) goes to the door and just leaves and ( my sister ) goes into the back room , stomping and throwing shit around . I post to Facebook asking for someone to come and get me . Nobody can . So I grab my big heavy tote bag and purse and as soon as I hear that she 's on a machine I go outside , go down the stairs , and walk 1 / 4 mile to the highway and wait for a bus in the rain . I didn 't even know how to use the fucking bus - but thank God I had 2 dollar bills because that 's what the fare was . I even fucked up pushing the " stop " button - I pushed it right after he started moving the bus after the stop right before you turn off to our house , but he said " The next closest stop is the church , is that okay ? " Of course I said it was and felt like a fucking moron - thank God by that time there was only one guy on the bus other than me . So I get off the bus , walk maybe ten or fifteen minutes home , so like - 1 / 2 a mile ? And you KNOW I 'm terrified of walking anywhere , let alone while I 'm panicking , while I 'm carrying two heavy bags , and while it 's raining , and while I 'm terrified that ( my sister ) is going to drive up and jump out and … I don 't know what . I just got home and fucking couldn 't stop shaking . I made a cup of coffee ( decaf , of course ) , took an extra xanax , and chatted with ( my husband ) on google chat . A little while later I got a chat from her on Facebook that said I had the windows closed and the curtains closed so I didn 't hear or see her truck . But suddenly there was POUNDING on the front door . ( Youngest son ) had been asleep on the sofa - it was about noon - and he jumped up in a panic . I ran to the door and looked through the peephole and saw that it was her , and I RAN to my bedroom , telling ( youngest son ) to tell her that I was asleep and to go away . He was scared , but he said okay . So she must have decided that banging wasn 't enough , so she used a key I 'd given her and just unlocked the door and came in . She immediately started yelling at ( youngest son ) . She wanted to know where her " fucking camera " was . She had bought this stupid fucking digital camera from ( her son , who is a heroin addict and lives in the city ) for $ 500 - and ( son ) , it was a total piece of shit and worth about $ 150 on eBay . She gave it to me so I could figure out how to use it so that I could take pictures of projects we 'd made at the shop . I had it out in the car , and ( my husband ) and I had gone into a casino and he wanted to hide it so that nobody would break the window so he put it in a paper bag , so that 's how it was in the house - on my desk in a paper bag . This whole time I 'm standing with my back against my bedroom door pushing on it as HARD as I could and bracing my legs so she wouldn 't push it open - my heart was pounding and I was fucking terrified and KNOWING that in about 2 seconds I was going to have to go out and get ( youngest son ) away from her . It was so fucking terrifying . Then I felt someone pushing on the door - and then a few seconds later ( youngest son ) comes back the hall and asks me through the door where the camera was and I said on my desk in the paper bag - but he thought I said the garage ( for some fucked up reason ) and so he goes to the garage and starts digging , and she goes down after him and keeps yelling at him - I was about to go out when they came back upstairs and he comes back and asks me again where the camera was . I repeated myself . He showed her where it was and she grabbed it then wanted her Samsung Tablet . FUCKKKK . She gave that to me 3 months ago to figure out how to hack into it because she forgot her screen lock passcode . Of course I couldn 't hack it and didn 't feel like fucking with it , but 2 nights before all of this I took it out of its case to see if there was a model number on it so I could buy a charger for it - because when I asked her through chat if she still had the charger she never replied . So ( youngest son ) says it 's on the dining room table , but she could only find the case for some reason - even though the dining room table was cleaned off and only ( youngest son 's ) two computers ( both broken ) were on it . She sends him back to ask me where the fucking tablet it and I was so sick of it all and so anxious , so I just said " I don 't know . " do you see how you must look to the rest of the world ? no you don 't you don 't care . ( Me ) worked for 2 solid months for you for FREE , when you threw a toddlers temper tantrum and fled the state to go get rescued and flung the keys at her and said here you take it , she damn well should have or should have just given the keys to ( the owner of the industrial complex buildings ) . You only came back to any business at all because of her and you say " yea i really appreciate that " but did you ever say thank you ? no , you flip the fuck out when she asks for a dime and say she can 't have EVERYTHING then turn around and throw $ 500 at a worthless camera . I 've held my tongue as best i could for 15 fucking years because my wife 's wishes trump everything but i 'm done , you have mistaken my kindness for weakness but now you have fucked with my family enough , I won 't stand for it , I do not want or need your respect , its not worth jack to anyone you 'd give it to , I laughed my ass off when you said " well at least I have integrity " because i SERIOUSLY thought you were joking and meant for us to laugh , that you were owning your shit and saying hey , i 'm not perfect and being sarcastic . that is how utterly far off of reality you are and i 'm not saying that to insult you , like it or not you are family and in my family we tell it like it is because no one else is gonna be honest and tell us we have a glop of food on our shirt , well you got a glop of food on your shirt and you are going to need help to clean it off . thats the best i can offer , we can 't fix whatever it is you 've got going on but it sure as shit isn 't our fault , that is completely delusional , we haven 't done shit to you but save your ass and your discarded kids ass way way too many fucking times , its someone else 's turn . I 've waited before writing this email because I 'm smart enough not to burn bridges before their time . Your wife is a drug addict as much as my son and not ever did it matter to you that she was finally living and had a place to go every day and have a purpose . Nor did it matter to you that ( youngest son ) finally was having a life and doing the things boys do , bowling , hiking , golfing , sailing . Not to mention meeting all the right people that would allow him to have a real future . I may seem crazy but wouldn 't you be crazy if every day you were faced with the one thing that was your families future and the only people that showed up to help are so drugged up that they can 't remember anything you said only moments ago ? That was my every single fucking day . I had a business that made good money and I had a life but I took the leap and had faith that I wasn 't being lied to and I fucked up because now I sit here and am reminded that the only one that matters is number one . You think she went to work for 2 months and didn 't get paid ? ? ? ? HAHA … so you don 't know all about the money she got , funny thats really funny to me , maybe you should have kept a closer eye on her at the casinos . Funny that you could afford to go there but it was me buying ( our son ) cereal . Real funny . You can come down on me all you want but everyday I was crazy trying to fight so we all had a future that otherwise we can 't grasp . You can 't do better then you are right this very minute because you don 't have the degree that puts you there and ( me ) can 't work because she can 't drive or get off the drugs that keep her even remotly able to have a real conversation with anyone without studdering all over the place , I gave her a place to feel like she had a purpose and she didn 't sleep her life away . God ( my husband ) she 's over half way through her life and she doesn 't even cope with being a mom or a wife she knows she doesn 't help with anything and she feels useless , do you have any idea what that does to a women ? ? ? I doubt it because you are so busy not seeing the big picture and just daydreaming of a better life . Forgive me for being the only person that has a clear head and I lost my grip and ran to the East Coast . I had a nervous breakdown and I 'm sorry that didn 't work for you or her . I can and will relieve you both of me , she 's no longer my sister and I 'm sure she 's thrilled to be free . This is the end of that relationship , YOU JUST ENDED IT . And by the way … . I looked all over the table as did ( our youngest son ) and it was not there , just the case . She feared me ? ? Really ? ? Why what did I ever do but fight for what we 've all been working for ? SHould I have just stood there and been a pussy and not face shit , stick my head in the sand ? ? ? ? I obviosuly put more into this then anyone , you guys just think life is a fantasy and never care what it really takes . I 've lost everything so be happy have another bottle of wine and say cheers to your happy self for ever sticking up for the one thing this family could of had . She couldn 't even stick up for herself the 3 times he blamed HER for the start of the problem . Wine and zanax woo - - hooo ! ! ! ! ! First , let me explain that ( my sister ) had given me $ 550 in cash over the course of two months in small chunks . ( My husband ) already knew about all of that . I don 't know why she thinks he didn 't . Anyway , so her and ( my husband ) just kept going back and forth in emails and ( my husband ) was getting so upset that he couldn 't work . He doesn 't " do " angry confrontation well at all , so he was shaking so badly and she kept saying horrible shit that made him angrier and angrier . He seriously couldn 't work for the rest of the day because he was that anxious from fighting with her and hearing the horrible shit she was saying . This isn 't the way we act in life ! Nobody acts like this in real life ! ! Do they ? It was so surreal ! ! ! Yesterday morning was ( youngest son 's ) first day of school , so he had to leave at 7 to get the bus and I guess if you have been on Facebook you can see how pissy he was being just by looking at his " first day of 7th grade " picture . So that was fun . Then we had to haul ass to ( nearby town ) because - Halle - fucking - lujah - I got an appointment with a real psychiatrist FINALLY after ( old provider , a ARNP , who I had been seeing for 7 years with ZERO problems ) decided to just up and STOP filling my prescriptions . And you can 't just stop taking xanax - especially at the dose I was taking - or you could die , and you would definitely have seizures . When she wouldn 't answer mine or ( my husband 's ) emails , voicemails or phone calls I really started to fucking worry . I had literally FOUR doses of xanax left when I went to the pharmacy and asked if there was any idea of when I would get my refill . The pharmacist was really concerned because they hadn 't gotten a response from ( old provider ) either , so she had someone re - fax the request and said that if I didn 't hear from her ( the pharmacist ) by the next morning to go to Urgent Care or the Emergency Room . It was really fucking hard to see him . It was at ( the office ) and we were sitting in the waiting room - well , waiting , when suddenly someone was next to me and said my name and I fucking jumped out of my chair and almost fell into ( my husband ) because I was so fucking anxious . It was my new psychiatrist and he was horrified that he 'd scared the shit out of me . Kind of funny when you think about it . ( First rule of psychiatry - don 't startle the psych patients ? ) haha He was fucking stunned when I told him that I had gone down from 8 to 10mg a day in July to 5 . 5mg a day now . He said that was WAY too fast ! ! He asked me how I was feeling , and God , I just told him everything - of course I don 't feel good ! I 'm ALWAYS anxious , I can 't sleep , I have constant nightmares and killer headaches that never go away , I can 't concentrate very well , and literally my entire body hurts so bad and that Advil does NOTHING to help . So , in the end he explained to me that it sounded to him like someone reviewed my medication usage - specifically the xanax - when ( old provider ) was in the process of " semi - retiring " and it red - flagged because he said that was actually a malpractice - level prescription considering that she wasn 't seeing me in person . He said it was unheard of . Then we got into my history with anxiety - and by the end of the session he said that I had the worst case of anxiety and agoraphobia that he had ever seen in 20 years . Just fucking lovely . But , he also was really really supremely nice and said that it wasn 't my fault about the xanax , so not to feel like it was . He was pissed that I showed him in an email where ( old provider ) told me I was a drug addict and other things , and he apologized to me that anyone would say that because it 's not true - sure , I 'm physically addicted , but I 'm not out there looking to buy it on the street like " drug addict " makes it sound . That providers are taught to never use language like that and that ( old provider ) was just an absolutely horrible example of a provider . He also explained to me that it was in NO WAY reasonable to have had me go down by 4 . 5mg a day in 2 months - that during that two months I should have only gone down 1mg a day at the most , but now that I was used to the 5 . 5mg a day he 'd keep me there , even though it 's " uncomfortable " - until I get used to it - hopefully in the next month . He said out of his 2 , 000 patients the highest dose of xanax anyone he sees is on is 3mg / day , and that is considered high in the medical field " these days after much more research has been done . " UGH . God , he was so nice to me . And I was a nervous wreck the entire time and kept apologizing . Ugh . I 'm such a dork . I cried in the car after we left because I was so relieved that he was nice to me . Okay , so THE POINT IS - that was fucking stressful as fuck , dealing with not knowing what the fuck was up with ( old provider ) and my prescriptions and trying to taper so fast the past few months , meeting a new psychiatrist while I only had literally 1 1 / 2 tablets of xanax left not knowing if I was going to leave his office and have to go to the pharmacy for a refill or to the ER because he wouldn 't help me . Stressful to say the least . And then I got an email from ( owner of the business my sister was supposed to take over ) . In his email was forwarded an email that ( my sister ) had written to him earlier after he told her that he had taken all of the money out of the business account and that the check that she wrote to herself for a paycheck wouldn 't clear . In it she flipped out on him and said that if her rent check and other bills bounced because he stopped payment on that check that she would sue him for everything he had . She was BRUTAL and he was panicked ! He was really upset . We emailed back and forth a few more times and I realized that I had forgotten that ( my sister ) had used one of those things you stick in a cell phone so you can swipe credit cards and get paid via paypal , and had collected around $ 900 in the past few days . She had me move that money to her personal paypal account and told me she was going to deposit it into the business account . I asked her why she didn 't just transfer it into the business account from Paypal and she told me just to do what she said - so I did . So , I tell him about this $ 900 - and he checks the business checking account , and nope - she never deposited it . I have to explain to him what Paypal even is . At this point he 's even more upset . I spent the rest of the day trying to find invoices that we had sent out to customers and hadn 't gotten the money for them yet because he was trying to come up with enough money to pay me for working there for two months with no pay ( score ! ! ! ) He said he just needed to figure out where things stood with the business bank accounts first . So - I found a few invoices in emails , but I couldnt ' get him all of the proof of money owed to the business because I had been using ( my sister 's ) laptop to keep those records in a program called QuickBooks . ( This is why I encourage everyone to use QuickBooks online version for like , $ 30 a month … because then it 's accessible from any computer , and nobody gets fucked over like is happening to him . ) Without her laptop I have no way of getting that information . He says he understands , and after I email him a couple of invoices I found he said he was really grateful for all of my help . The last thing I did was this morning , just a few hours ago . I checked her bank account and I could see that she had moved the $ 900 from Paypal into her personal account . So she fucking stole $ 900 more dollars from him ! I didn 't know what to do because that 's very fucking serious - that 's called embezzlement - and I had proof of it . I decided that the right thing to do was to print a PDF of her bank statement showing that she put the paypal money in there , and then spent money from that bank account afterwards , and email it to ( owner ) . I did that . But , it was like 3 in the morning so he hasn 't gotten it yet . If she finds out she 's gonna kill me . I literally asked ( my husband ) if I should file a PFA , but he said not to . Do you think that I should ? I cannot describe to you clearly enough how absolutely fucking crazy she has been acting , and how it 's been getting worse and worse over the last two months . Remember ( old family friends ) ? Well , ( husband ) had gotten fired from ( law firm where we used to work ) 2 years ago and never could find another job . ( Wife ) is the only one working , and the bank fucking sold their house 20 days ago without telling them - they only found out yesterday that they didn 't own their house anymore and that as of midnight last night they would be squatters in their own home . Oh my fucking God I have never felt so fucking low in my life . 😦 I was in tears trying to help ( friend ) - who is just the sweetest person - and she 's all like " No , this is just how my life is now . " 😦 God , I could have killed that fucking dog . Now I have to get her to a vet and figure out how to get her on like , prozac or something . Fuck . You know , ever go through so much shit that you actually feel like it should be quite a few days later than it actually is ? It 's like that . I cannot believe that it 's only Thursday . It feels like this week has been so slammed with horrible things that it should be at least Sunday or something . Oh my God , how long is this email , right ? I 'm sorry to have dumped on you like this , but I started typing a short email to tell you what was going on and there was just no way to make it short yet make any sort of sense . And , believe it or not , I left shit out . Please please let me know what 's going on with you , okay ? And don 't be all like " Oh , I can 't tell her that or she 'll just stress " because that 's totally not the case . I promise . |
At this point it would be helpful to give more information about Dan 's background and his interactions with Steve . This is information that Paul gained over a period of time , but for cohesion and convenience it is presented in this chapter and the next all together as Dan 's story . The story will return to Paul 's point of view in Chapter 10 . The small boy ran into the toilet and locked himself in one of the cubicles . There were a couple of boys at the urinal , and another couple washing their hands , but Dan hadn 't taken any notice of them because he was too busy escaping his tormentors , who had chased him from the playground . His pursuers banged on the cubicle door and threatened to just wait there until he came out , so he resigned himself to staying locked in there until the end of the lunch break . At eight years old , Philip was two years older than Dan and one of the biggest boys in the Lower School . He had short blond hair and blue eyes , though he was just a little bit over - weight . Dan never knew why Philip , more than any of the other kids in the school , should have taken such a strong dislike to him . He must have finished peeing because he moved into the view that Dan had through the slit in the doorjamb . That was when Steve came into Dan 's life and everything changed completely . Steve was in the year above Dan , and because his birthday was in November he was one of the oldest and biggest boys in his class . He was much bigger than Dan and appeared to be bigger than two of Dan 's attackers , but he was a bit smaller than Philip . Steve didn 't say anything , but just moved round until he stood with his back to Dan 's cubicle door . The movement was so quick it took the others by surprise and they didn 't have an opportunity to stop him . When Philip reached out to grab him , Steve knocked his hands away and Dan thought there was going to be a fight . With that , the three bullies left the room , and Dan , still afraid , stayed silently locked in the cubicle . Steve also remained silent , and as he turned to watch the other boys leave , Dan got his first good view of him . He was tall and quite muscular for his age , with short hair that was such a light shade of brown it was almost blond . From Dan 's hiding place he couldn 't see the colour of Steve 's eyes , but later he found they were a warm and friendly hazel . As soon as Philip disappeared from view , Steve washed his hands and went out of the toilet , leaving Dan where he was until he heard the bell that signalled the end of lunch break . During the rest of the afternoon Dan cursed himself for not thanking Steve and he worried about the possibility of him getting into a fight with Philip after school . Dan felt that it would be all his fault if Steve got hurt . As he left school to go home , he kept a look out for either Philip or Steve , but still hadn 't seen them when Nanny whisked him away in her car . Even at just six years old , Dan realised that he didn 't really fit in with the other children at school . He was an only child living on the outskirts of town , so opportunities to spend time with other children had been rare until he started attending junior school . His mum , a pharmacist , had stayed home to care for him until he was five , so he wasn 't at all lonely as a child because not only did he have his mum for company but he also joined her when she socialised with her friends . When Dan was five and started going to school , his mum went back to work and arranged her schedule so she could take him to school in the mornings . In the evenings his parents hired a retired nanny to pick him up and stay with him until one of them got home . Nanny Lewis was a lovely old woman and she enjoyed playing games with him , so he was very happy with the arrangement . Being almost exclusively in adult company , he was quite precocious and totally unprepared for socialising with other children at school , so from his first day it seemed he was marked out as ' different ' . He spoke more like an adult than a child , and his reading and writing skills were more advanced than the other children his age . In his first interactions with other kids he started out expecting them to behave as little adults , so it was a nasty shock when he realised that kids were often unreasonable and sometimes very cruel . The fact that he was the only child being picked up from school by a nanny became the source of many jibes and insults . The first six months of his school life were hell , and he spent much of his time alone , sitting quietly in a corner of the classroom or hiding in the more distant parts of the playground . Sometimes he locked himself away for a whole lunchtime or playtime in the toilets to escape from the other kids . Apart from the taunts there were some physical attacks , but fortunately they were mild , just pushing , pinching , and such like . He was small for his age , but he was never attacked by the really big kids , probably because he was beneath their notice . Also , the school was split into two buildings , a Lower School for ages five to eight and an Upper School for ages eight to eleven , so he wouldn 't normally have contact with kids over eight years old . Unfortunately , his main tormentor , Philip , was one of the oldest boys in the Lower School . The teachers didn 't seem to notice when Dan was being bullied , or if they did notice they weren 't sympathetic and seemed to believe that it was partly Dan 's fault for being aloof and antisocial . He never told his parents about his problems because he didn 't want them to think of him as a weakling who couldn 't look after himself . When he mentioned it to Nanny , she said if he ignored the insults the kids would get bored and stop tormenting him . By Christmas of his first year of school he wondered if Nanny might be wrong , and by February , a month after his sixth birthday , he wondered how long he could wait to see if she was right . The incident in the toilet took place in March , and after six months of it seemed to Dan that ignoring the insults didn 't make the bullies get bored , but instead it made the bullying more physical . Although Steve 's behaviour had shown that there were some nice kids in school , Dan still expected his life to remain miserable . As soon as Dan arrived at school on the day after being chased into the toilet , he saw Philip , who had clearly been in a fight . Apart from an angry glare , Philip totally ignored him , but Dan still kept out of his way . At lunchtime Dan saw Steve in the playground with a couple of his friends and he , too , looked as if he 'd been in a fight . In fact he looked as if he 'd been hurt worse than Philip . Feeling that it was all his fault , Dan felt totally miserable and edged his way closer , intending to wait till Steve was alone so he could apologise to him . Steve , who 'd noticed him hovering around , said something to his friends and then left them to go over to him . Dan was so scared and embarrassed that began to cry silently and he nearly ran away , but because Steve was smiling at him so nicely he stood his ground . " Hey , Danny ! This is the first time I 've seen you cry , even when the bullies were really getting at you . Why are ya crying now ? " " I 'm sorry , " Dan said , dabbing his eyes with the sleeve of his pullover . " It 's all my fault . You shouldn 't have got hurt just cos of me . You 're the only nice person in this whole school and you shouldn 't be hurt . " " I 'm not the only nice person , ya know , " Steve said with a laugh . " Don 't cry . I 'm fine , and Philip won 't bother you any more . " That was the start of Dan 's new and happier life at school . Steve was his hero and everything Dan wanted to be . He was strong , kind , clever , considerate , amusing , and best of all , he seemed to like Dan . Why Steve liked him Dan couldn 't understand , but even though he was only six years old , Dan knew he loved Steve . That day , and almost every day from then on , Dan got Nanny to give Steve a ride home after school . " There 's just one thing , if we 're friends , " Dan said with a huge smile . " Please don 't call me Danny . I really hate that name now . Call me Dan , okay ? " From then on Steve and Dan were best friend , and because neither of them had any siblings they became like brothers . Over the years they did everything together and spent as much time in one another 's houses as they did in their own . Their families also got on well so they became almost like one big family . As soon as they were old enough , they got their parents to buy them bikes so they could get together without relying on their parents to provide transport . At school Dan was no longer bullied and was accepted into Steve 's circle of friends . Dan quickly acquired the social skills appropriate for interacting with other children and he no longer stood out as being ' different ' . Even before the fight between Philip and Steve , Dan had learned not to use the word ' Nanny ' at school , so gradually the other kids forgot it . From then on , the woman who picked him up from school was referred to as ' Miss Lewis ' , who was his mum 's friend . Despite that , Dan was still grateful when his parents decided that after his tenth birthday he could come home from school on his own , though Nanny was still there waiting for him . She died when he was thirteen , which made him very upset , and for a long time afterward he missed her a great deal . However , he was relieved when his parents decided that he was then mature enough to be trusted to stay home alone in the evenings until his parents returned from work . When Steve was eleven and moved up to secondary school , there was only a minor dislocation in their constant companionship and they were still together practically every day outside of school hours . Soon after Dan started at secondary school , they acquired the nickname of ' Batman and Robin ' . Dan didn 't remember exactly when it started , but it was probably when he was about twelve and there was the biggest difference in their body sizes . At around that time , Steve had entered a major growth spurt , so at one stage he was almost nine inches taller than Dan . Growing up so closely together it was almost inevitable that the boys would get to know one another 's bodies as well as one another 's personalities . By the time Dan was nine , they 'd played ' doctors ' and had seen each other naked often enough not to be shy together . So when puberty began to hit Steve , they both followed its stages with equal interest , wondering when Dan would catch up . Even before puberty they had occasionally shared the pleasant feelings of playing with one another 's ' willies ' , and when Steve had his first ejaculation it was only natural that Dan 's hand was providing the stimulation that produced it . By the time Dan was thirteen and Steve was fourteen , they 'd graduated to oral sex , and most days they had at least one wank together . They loved one another as brothers , and they enjoyed the physical intimacy and pleasure of sex , but they were never ' in love ' . Perhaps one reason for this was that Steve was beginning to develop an interest in girls whereas Dan 's sexual interest was exclusively directed toward other boys . When Steve and Dan discussed this , it seemed that Dan was the only boy that aroused him sexually , whereas there were at least a dozen girls at school who could get Steve excited . Over the next year or so , they still had their sexual ' fun sessions ' two or three times per week . Steve assured Dan that he never thought about girls , or any other boys for that matter , during those sessions . He occasionally had sexual flings with girls but he never went ' all the way ' with them , just as the two boys never went ' all the way ' to anal sex . Steve never had any sort of sexual contact with any boy apart from Dan , and they concluded that whereas Dan was exclusively gay , Steve was mainly heterosexual with a slight tendency toward being bisexual , but only with Dan . However , even at that age , they were both suspicious of such labels . Maybe if Dan hadn 't known that Steve was mainly interested girls he might have allowed himself to fall in love with his ' big brother ' , but as it was , Dan knew that someday Steve would meet the right girl and fall in love with her . Of course Dan was sad when he realised this , but he had the consolation of knowing that they would have their ' brotherly love ' forever . As things were , they were both comfortable with their sexuality and comfortable being together . Shortly before Dan 's sixteenth birthday , Steve started seeing a girl from school on a regular basis and sexual interactions between the boys stopped . Neither of them needed to discuss it because they both knew that once one of them got involved in a loving sexual relationship then it was only right that they end the sexual fun they had together . As Dan had been expecting this for some time , it didn 't cause me too much distress , and he was comforted by the fact that they still saw one another almost as often as they ever did . Dan sometimes wondered if it was a mistake to be so dependent on one person , but he knew he couldn 't have chosen a better person to depend on . Though Dan knew they would be best friends forever , he also knew that at some time in the future he had to look for a loving sexual relationship elsewhere . Steve 's acceptance and support had made Dan so confident about his sexuality that he decided to come out to his parents . Of course he knew that coming out was not a compulsory part of accepting his sexuality , but at the time it was something he felt he ought to do as soon as possible . Unfortunately he just rushed into it without giving it much thought beforehand . So one Friday evening , as they were finishing dinner , and without any preamble Dan just made the announcement . For several seconds no one moved and the only sound was the ticking of the clock . At first both parents looked blank , then surprised , then his mum appeared shocked while his dad looked horrified . His dad cleared his throat and left the room and went upstairs without saying a word . Dan , surprised by his dad 's reaction , was lost for words and looked at his mum , who grabbed his hand and squeezed it so hard that it hurt . He nodded , though he wasn 't exactly sure what consequences she was talking about . Suddenly he felt very small and a bit afraid . His mum clenched her jaws , and then sighed . " Then we 'll just have to deal with it together , " she said as she squeezed his hand again . " I 'd better go and speak to your father . It would 've been better if you 'd told me first before announcing it to him just like that . " She gave him a strained smile , then got up and left him alone in the dining room . As he cleared the table and walked past the foot of the stairs , he heard his parents ' voices . Although he couldn 't make out the words , he could tell that it was a heated and emotional discussion , and anger was one of the more obvious emotions in his father 's voice . Dan knew it was a cowardly thing to do , and maybe he should have stayed to discuss things further , but he decided to leave the house immediately . After leaving a note to say where he was going , he rode his bike over to Steve 's house . As he 'd previously arranged to see Steve that evening , he thought he 'd just arrived earlier than expected . However , as soon as he saw Dan 's face , Steve knew something was wrong and that Dan was upset . After announcing Dan 's arrival to his parents , Steve led him straight up to his room , where Dan told him what had happened . " I know , " Dan replied , " but the last few days I just felt this pressure building up until I thought I would burst . It just seemed so unfair that I have to hide such an important part of myself . I 've been getting on so well with Mum and Dad recently , and it seemed we could talk about anything else , and everything seemed so happy and relaxed at dinner . So I just told them . " " Well , I guess it could have been worse . At least he didn 't scream or shout , " Dan said . He didn 't mention or even think of the possibility of violence because he 'd never , ever , seen his dad violent and neither of his parents had ever hit him . " I guess . Though she seemed to think it was some sort of problem , " Dan said , feeling very sad and vulnerable . Just then it occurred to him how much worse he 'd feel if Steve hadn 't been there for him . As it happened , Dan didn 't need to phone home because his mum phoned Steve 's house to see if he was all right . Apparently in his rush to leave the house he 'd forgotten to take his mobile phone . When Dan asked her if he should go home to talk to her and his dad , she told him that his dad wasn 't ready to talk about it yet . Dan asked if he could stay overnight with Steve , and she agreed . When Dan returned home the next morning , his mum looked as if she 'd been crying and his dad , a lawyer , was at the office . He almost never went to the office on a Saturday , so Dan knew the situation was not good , and as it turned out it had been decided that his mum would talk to Dan alone before he saw his dad . His mum was basically okay with him being gay , and the main reason she was upset was because his dad was upset . " Well , for example , you know he 's an only child and he 'd like some grandchildren to keep the family name going . Also , he was brought up to believe that homosexuality was unnatural . He 's afraid that if you really are gay , you 'll live a lonely life and possibly die of some sexual disease . Besides all that , you aren 't even sixteen yet and he thinks you 're too young to be sure that you 're gay . He says that as long as he thinks there is even a remote possibility that you might end up in a relationship with a woman , then he won 't even consider the possibility that you might be gay . " " Well , for the time being , don 't talk about being gay in front of him . If you want to talk to someone about it , or about anything else for that matter , you know you can talk to me anytime . As far as your dad is concerned , if you don 't bring the subject up again , everything will be as if you 'd never made your announcement . Try this just for a while to give him time to get used to the idea . " She looked at her son and waited for a response . She then gave him a long lecture about sexual diseases and safe sex , and warned him to beware of predatory older men who would just want to use him . What she didn 't mention was the possibility that some of those predators might not be much older than himself . She finished off by asking if he had a boyfriend and if he 'd had sex yet . Dan blushed and stuttered with embarrassment , and because he assumed she was referring to anal sex , he answered ' no ' to both questions . When his dad came home for lunch and behaved as if the previous night had never happened . The next time the two boys met up , Steve said he was sure that his parents would be very comfortable with his sexuality if Dan were to come out to them . He suggested that as Dan 's parents and his were such good friends , they might be able to help Dan 's dad to accept the situation . After thinking about it for a couple of weeks , Dan followed that suggestion and it all went as Steve had predicted . A few months later , Dan 's father , under the gentle influence of his wife and Steve 's parents , had more or less come to terms with his son 's sexuality . However , he was not exactly happy with it and he was obviously still uncomfortable when the subject was discussed . Once Dan had come out to his parents , the next item on his ' gay agenda ' was to look for a boyfriend . That may sound naive and simplistic , but he wasn 't quite sixteen at the time , and as sexual interactions with Steve had ceased , he was permanently horny . However , it wasn 't just sex he needed . He could see his straight friends hugging , kissing , and being affectionate with their girlfriends , and he knew that he , too , needed to love and be loved . As soon as he was sixteen and was old enough to go to pubs , though still not old enough to buy alcohol , Dan started to find out where he could meet other gay people . The first two places on his list were the Gay and Lesbian Youth Group ( GLYG ) and The Castle , a gay pub . One Friday evening a couple of months after his sixteenth birthday he summoned up all his courage and set off into the town centre . Because the decision was made on the spur of the moment and because GLYG only met on Wednesdays , he went to The Castle . Before going out , he told Steve his intentions . Worried for Dan 's safety , Steve tried to talk him out of it , and when that failed , he tried to persuade Dan to wait for a different night when he could go with him . He couldn 't manage that particular night as he 'd already arranged to go out with his girlfriend . Dan thought it was wonderful that Steve offered to go with him , but he didn 't want to drag his straight friend to a gay pub . Besides that , the whole idea was to become less dependent on his best friend . Dan told his parents , who would be playing Bridge with Steve 's parents that night , that he was meeting with some friends in town . When Dan got to the pub at a little after eight o ' clock , the place was almost deserted . There were fewer than a dozen people , all nicely dressed males ranging in age from mid twenties to mid forties . The decor was a quite pleasant Mediterranean style , a little like an Italian Bistro without the dining tables . As he 'd never been inside any sort of pub before , he didn 't know if the decor was different from a straight pub , but in any case it was an exciting experience , made even more exciting by the fact that , at least so he presumed , the other people in the pub were also gay . The few people there , including the barman , all followed him with their eyes as he walked from the door to the bar and asked for a Coke . The barman was probably the youngest person there and Dan thought he was quite nice looking . When he 'd been served he went to a small round table in a corner near the door and sipped his drink . During the course of the next hour or so , he got another drink and watched as more people arrived . The vast majority of the later arrivals were men , but there were six women who all arrived together and stood in the far corner near the bar . Between about nine and ten o ' clock the pub did get full , and during that time four different men came over to Dan 's table and started chatting to him . One of them seemed nice and the others seemed a bit creepy , but he answered them all politely when they asked him questions . None of the four stayed for more than a couple of minutes , maybe because Dan was shy , or because they thought he was boring , or perhaps it was because it was obvious Dan didn 't fancy any of them . Dan wasn 't sure what he 'd expected to happen that night , but he was feeling disappointed and the whole experience seemed to be an anticlimax . By about ten o ' clock he decided it was time to go home . As the bus ride home would take at least forty minutes he decided to use the toilets before leaving . To get to the male toilet he had to go behind the bar and along a dark , narrow corridor . At the end of the corridor was a rear exit from the pub , and to the left of this exit was the door leading to the toilet . As he was about to enter the toilet , a huge man came out . He was about forty , well over six feet tall and very heavily built . " Okay . In a minute , " the man replied , his voice a drunken slur . " I just got into town . Driven my truck all the way from Dover . " The man leaned over , placing his large hands on either side of Dan 's head making it difficult for him to get away . Dan could smell the alcohol on the guy 's breath and as there was no one else in sight , he was terrified . Suddenly , an idea came to him , and he nodded his head toward the other end of the corridor . It 's doubtful the man believed him but he looked anyway , and as he did so Dan ducked under his arm and ran out of the rear exit . He didn 't stop running until he reached the bus stop and it was only after he got on the bus that he realised his bladder was still full . By the time he got home his bladder was so painful that he thought it would burst . Dan 's parents were still out , so at least he didn 't have to deal with any awkward questions . On entering his bedroom after emptying his bladder , he noticed that he was shaking , but it wasn 't with cold . In fact he felt hot and was sweating and he felt incredibly dirty , so he immediately stripped off his clothes and went for a shower . Then he went straight to bed , curled up into a foetal position , and tried to go to sleep , but when he closed his eyes , images of the truck driver kept appearing in his mind . When sleep eventually did come , it was disturbed by dreams that were not quite nightmares . " No , Dad , " Dan replied , surprised by the weariness in his own voice . " Not a drop of alcohol has passed my lips since the wine we had with dinner last Saturday . I didn 't sleep well last night . Just some bad dreams . " Dan wasn 't sure if his dad had meant that to be a joke or not , but such comments had become more common ever since Dan had announced his sexuality , so Dan just ignored it . When Steve arrived a couple of hours later , the French onion soup was ready and Dan was preparing the ingredients for Spanish omelette . His mum went to the door to let Steve in and then returned to her husband in the living room while Steve joined Dan in the kitchen . " No , seriously , Dan . You 've got black bags under your eyes and you look like a zombie . Something happen last night ? Something bad or maybe . . . " he paused and gave an evil grin , " something good ? " Steve looked concerned and all through lunch he was obviously itching with curiosity . When they finished eating they all helped clear the table and Dan 's parents got ready to go out shopping while the boys went to Dan 's bedroom and sat on the bed . Once there , Dan told him all about the previous night . As he began to speak about the truck driver Dan became upset , so Steve put his arm around him and hugged him as he continued with the rest of the tale . " Why not ? They don 't ban straight guys do they ? And even if they did , how can they tell ? Will they ask to see my credentials ? " He emphasised that last word and laughed , making Dan giggle . Steve always seemed to know what to say and do to make him feel better . " Well that 's up to you , but we 've got to find you a boyfriend somehow . Didn 't you mention a gay youth group ? Might be safer . " It was typical of Steve to say ' we ' , thus making Dan 's problems his own . The following Wednesday , Steve almost had to drag Dan to the meeting of the Gay and Lesbian Youth Group , and when they got there he seemed totally oblivious to Dan 's nervousness . Dan was worried that his straight friend would feel out of place surrounded by gay people , but Steve seemed quite at ease whenever anyone came over to talk . He never told anyone he was straight , but then he never told anyone he was gay , either . Everything was so new and like a big adventure , so at first it never occurred to either of them that people would assume they were a couple . At the next GLYG meeting , however , they got talking to a lesbian couple , who asked them how long they 'd been together . Dan was too embarrassed to say anything and was surprised when Steve answered that he 'd known Dan for a very long time . The women told the boys that it was just as well they were a couple because otherwise ' some people ' would be chasing after one or both of them . As they said this the women looked disapprovingly over at a young asian man . When the women drifted off to socialise elsewhere , Steve couldn 't contain his amusement any more and burst out laughing . He made a joke about how he and Dan made such a lovely couple , and then he got more serious . " Don 't be sorry ! " Dan protested . " That 's silly . Neither of us can help the way we are so there 's nothing to be sorry for . You 're the best friend anyone could ever have . " Over the next few months they went to other GLYG meetings , and when Steve didn 't have a date with his girlfriend they even paid occasional visits to The Castle . Dan 's confidence grew and there were no more horrible incidents . They even made some new friends , some of whom were very attractive , but Dan never met anyone that he felt he could fall in love with . One of these new friends , Adam , was eighteen and in the Upper Sixth Form at their school . Though Adam was physically attractive , Dan had no romantic feelings toward him , and as it later turned out , Adam was not a friend at all . At one particular GLYG meeting Dan took a trip to the toilet , leaving Adam chatting to Steve . When he returned , Steve was fuming with suppressed anger and Adam was nowhere in sight . Dan asked Steve what had happened and was told that Adam had tried to get him to dump Dan and go off with him . Of course Steve had flatly refused the suggestion . At first Dan thought that was amusing , because they weren 't really a couple and Steve wasn 't gay , but then Steve told me why him was so angry . Adam had said that he supposed Steve was really bisexual because he knew Steve had a girlfriend at school . This wasn 't too much of a shock to Steve , but what Adam said next really kicked him in the guts . Adam asked what might happen if Steve 's girlfriend and the rest of the school found out that Dan was his boyfriend . Steve took that as a poorly veiled threat and he told Dan that it took all his self - control to keep from hitting Adam there and then . Instead of hitting him , Steve merely pointed out that if Dan got outed at school then Adam would be outed as well . Then , before walking off in annoyance , Adam commented that Steve and Dan would still be at the school for at least another year , whereas in a couple of months he , Adam , would be doing A - levels and leaving the school forever . For the next couple of weeks the friends were a little concerned about Adam 's threat but when a month had passed and they 'd heard nothing more from him , they thought the potential problem had gone away . Toward the end of the summer term Dan 's formal classes had ended and he was revising for his GCSE exams , though he still had to be in school for some revision classes . A - level exams had already started and students doing those exams were not required to be in school except for taking part in them , so it was unlikely they would ever see Adam at school again . One Wednesday lunch time Dan left the school library where he was revising and was on his way to meet Steve for lunch . They intended to go out for something to eat and so had arranged to meet by the school gates . To get from the library to the meeting place , Dan could either go through the corridors of the main school block or go outside and take a path which led round the side of the main building , then through the narrow passage between the main building and the newer science block . The external route wasn 't much of a shortcut but he took it anyway because he preferred to be outside on such a beautiful summer day . When Dan left the main building he didn 't notice that there were two boys and a girl following him , and even if he had noticed them , he probably wouldn 't have given them a second thought . When he reached the narrow passageway , Dan heard footsteps hurrying up behind him and felt a hand grab his right shoulder , taking him by surprise and spinning him around . The boy who 'd grabbed him then pushed him forcefully backwards against the wall , banging the back of his head so hard that for a moment he wasn 't fully conscious . On returning to his senses , Dan found that there were two boys holding him firmly against the wall . Both were bigger and heavier than he and one was over six feet tall , with the build of a professional wrestler . They were in his year but not in his class , so the only one he knew by name was Gerard , the larger of the two . Most of the school knew Gerard because of his reputation for violence and bullying . He pulled Dan away from the wall and grabbed him from behind , putting his huge right arm round Dan 's neck his other arm held Dan 's arm twisted behind his back . The agony in Dan 's arm added to the pain in his head , which somehow he 'd not really noticed until then . As Gerard 's arm pressed even harder on his neck , Dan found he could hardly breathe . Authors deserve your feedback . It 's the only payment they get . If you go to the top of the page you will find the author 's name . Click that and you can email the author easily . Please take a few moments , if you liked the story , to say so . [ For those who use webmail , or whose regular email client opens when they want to use webmail instead : Please right click the author 's name . A menu will open in which you can copy the email address to paste into your webmail system ( Hotmail , Gmail , Yahoo etc ) . Each browser is subtly different , each Webmail system is different , or we 'd give fuller instructions here . 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How do you like my little flags ? In years past I have tried to mark rows to tell what is planted there and I always get things mixed up . Of course I know what tomato seedlings look like , but I have different varieties and I want to know what 's what . I didn 't mark the head lettuce and cabbage because I only planted one variety of each , and I know what those two things look like when they sprout . I 've had people ask why I plant so many tomatoes : it 's because of blight , plain and simple . I know for sure blight will rear its ugly head every year , and I plant a lot of tomatoes hoping I will get enough of them canned before blight shows up . Sometimes I do , sometimes not . My gardens are mediocre at best . Once crabgrass shows up , there is never another weed - free moment . I am not ambitious enough to keep up with the weeds and bugs . Nevertheless , we are still eating tomatoes , peppers , peaches , strawberries , and sweet potatoes from last years garden . Not bad , for a mediocre garden . Speaking of my lack of ambition , I will be very surprised if the seeds in the above tray ever make it outside . I have a tendency to get bored with projects like this and stop watering them . We shall see . Cliff hasn 't been up to par for the last couple of days . He sits on the couch and sleeps . His stomach is unsettled . He had a piece of toast and an orange for supper last night . I hope he wakes up feeling better today . He did force himself to bundle up and go clear snow off the driveway with a tractor . Anyhow , snow days aren 't any fun when my partner in crime isn 't feeling well . I shoveled the snow off the sidewalk around our house before the snow was done . We got another two or three inches after I took this picture . This is not a drift , so you can see we had a lot of snow . It was so heavy , I did it a little at a time . Nothing at all like the last snow we had , which was fluffy and light . This is very hard to walk in , and I am always aware of my knee replacement . So , I mostly stayed inside . Cliff and I haven 't been on a walk for days . Looks like it will be awhile yet before we 're able to get back to our normal routine . Once they get our dead - end road cleared , I intend to walk up and down it for half - an - hour daily so I don 't get completely out of condition . I 'm guessing we got fourteen inches or so of white stuff , and we are getting another inch or two today . I milked Jody this morning . She still tries to kick sometimes , so I 'm glad I have the anti - kick device to put on her . Since she now lets her milk down for me , I can go ahead and get my half of the milk before I let the calf in with us . I really feel sorry for the cows because it 's so hard for them to get around in this wet , packed snow . We 're going to have some pretty cold nights this weekend , but I am not letting the cows in the barn . They make too big a mess for me to clean out . Cliff and I are slowly but steadily losing weight , so I decided to share my Sparkpeople weight loss chart with my readers . It really is so easy . I won 't say we are never hungry , but we only are hungry for an hour or so before meals , which is as it should be . Food tastes much better if you are hungry . I am getting a lot of help from a book called " Skinny Thinking " . It is making me examine why I overeat and giving me steps to avoid eating the wrong things or the wrong portions . I 've been sharing some of the tips with Cliff , so he decided he was going to read the book . " Cliff , " I said , " You will never make it through that book . It will bore you to death . " Sure enough , within five minutes of starting to read it , he was sound asleep . Of course , he wasn 't feeling well , so perhaps that was his problem . Here 's a little snippet from the book : " The truth is the truth , though . If you want to maintain a natural , healthy weight , you can 't keep your old habits . You can 't continue to eat the same foods you 've been eating and not monitor portion size . Let me repeat so this is crystal clear : You can 't ever go back to eating what you 've been eating . You can 't ever go back to not monitoring portion size . You can 't ever go back to eating when you 're not hungry . Thinking you can return to your old habits is the kind of deluded , egoic thinking that has kept you yo - yoing over the years . " Something I was reading this morning reminded me of an old hymn that I haven 't heard for years . It 's one of my favorites . 1 . Pass me not , O gentle Savior , hear my humble cry ; while on others thou art calling , do not pass me by . Refrain : Savior , Savior , hear my humble cry ; while on others thou art calling , do not pass me by . 2 . Let me at thy throne of mercyfind a sweet relief , kneeling there in deep contrition ; help my unbelief . ( Refrain ) 3 . Trusting only in thy merit , would I seek thy face ; heal my wounded , broken spirit , save me by thy grace . ( Refrain ) 4 . Thou the spring of all my comfort , more than life to me , whom have I on earth beside thee ? Whom in heaven but thee ? ( Refrain ) This is Gracie , the bottle calf I bought in September . She has to survive with the big cows now . No bottle ( since November ) , no grain ( except for an occasional treat ) . Actually she is doing quite well , and is one of the tamest cows I have ever raised . We were going to have the vet out this week to dehorn her and the new baby , Jenny ; but the storms have put my plans on hold . This is another of my daughter 's pictures . She works for a photo - processing lab , and I think she has learned a thing or two from the experts . Cliff and I had plans to go to the Grand Canyon this year , but we have cancelled . We do have sufficient funds , but have decided perhaps it would be best not to drain said funds . Since we won 't be traveling much , I am going into the chicken business on a larger scale . I might be persuaded to buy a feeder pig or two . Hey , if you are going to be stuck at home , you might as well be doing things you enjoy . I am seriously considering looking locally for an infant to babysit . Just one , that Cliff and I could spoil rotten . It would be a little extra income and we would enjoy it . We 've done it before . However , if that doesn 't happen I can always buy another bottle calf . I love babies . There is another huge snowstorm headed our way tonight . I love snow . Bring it on . The only drawback is that we can 't go for our daily walk when the drifts are three feet deep . It 's going to be hard on us to get back to our routine after being sidetracked for so long . Wish us luck . As you can see , Titan was in the middle of all our fun today . Thanks to my daughter for taking these excellent pictures with her fancy - schmancy camera . Posted by Arick was going to play in the snow in the pasture with his 4 - wheel - drive vehicle , but there was quite a bit of thawing going on and he ended up stuck in our yard . Cliff to the rescue . He had planned to pull us around with his John Deere , but it was too little to do the job . Brother - in - law 's Mahindra to the rescue . Monica , Natalie , and Heather sat on the old pickup hood we were using as a sleigh . When Cliff took off , Heather ended up on the ground . But then they were off to the pasture . Titan ought to be worn out ; he frolicked along with our " sleigh " everywhere we went . When we were done making Cliff haul us around the pasture , we took turns sliding down a hill on the sleigh . It was so heavy that Cliff put a rope on it and pulled us back up the hill with the tractor after we reached the bottom . Sweet ! Arick and Heather decided to stand up while Cliff brought them back . Cliff laughed a lot at me , wallowing around in the snow trying to get up and down on the sleigh . It 's a cumbersome job for me to get down to ground level and sit . Here 's a video I took so my readers could get the feel of our ride . My bloggie friend Sonya shared this recipe . The only thing I have changed is that I add a can of Rotel tomatoes . Also , I buy black beans and kidney beans dry , cook them , and freeze them in two - cup portions , and use those in place of canned beans . It all works the same , but my frozen beans have no sodium . cream in slow cooker . 2 . Cover . cook on Low 4 - 6 hours . 3 . Garnish individual servings with chips , cheese , and sour cream . This There are some big drifts out there . Cliff made paths through the snow to everywhere I might need to go when I 'm outside . I was going to try using something for a sled and sliding down one of our hills , but after trudging through the snow as much as I did yesterday , I guess I had better pass . I may be tempting fate being out in the snow so much with my artificial knee . We saw pictures on the news of empty grocery store shelves where people had frantically bought food preparing for the storm . This always amazes me , because even in the worst times when I haven 't been to the store in two weeks , I can always come up with plenty to eat . Back when I wasn 't milking a cow , I made sure to have a small box of powdered milk on hand just in case I ran out , and evaporated milk also . If I happened not to have any bread , I could make biscuits or bread . Of course , living in the country where you can 't run to the store any old time helps one to be prepared . I made taco soup yesterday . Cliff 's sister next door came over and ate with us since the snow kept her home , and there 's enough left for the three of us to have it again today . As we were eating yesterday , enjoying it thoroughly , I suddenly remembered I had forgotten to add the onions . It was really tasting good until that realization , but then it lacked a little something . . . my imagination , I 'm sure . I keep chopped onions in the freezer , so before I put our leftover soup away I cooked 3 / 4 of a cup of those in a little water and added them to the soup . Today I 'm sure it will be perfect ! Taco soup is one of those things that 's such a treat to me , I 'm sad when it 's gone . I 've been separating Jody from her calf for a few hours each day , then milking her . I have to separate them because I want to make sure her udder is fully emptied at some point each day , and she won 't let her milk down for me unless the calf is nursing first . Eventually she will , she just has to get used to the routine . I was very surprised at the cream content of her milk . She gives a LOT of cream . Patsy in Arkansas told me to open up the barn for the cows . The best I could do was open the horse stall , which is pretty open , but at least they can get out of the wind . I can 't let them in where I milk because Cliff has a lot of stuff stored in there , not to mention the cows could get into the feed and eat too much . Yes , I said it . I have lost at least 1 , 000 pounds in my lifetime . It 's the staying on track that 's hard . We don 't feel deprived . We don 't diet , we simply eat the right things in the right portions . We don 't buy low - fat or sugar - free , with the exception of sugar - free Jello because Cliff likes having one thing around that he can eat any time , as much as he wants . And I use Sweet - and - Low in our tea ( because we prefer the taste ) and on cereal . When we 're eating right , I make sure we get the proper amount of fruits and vegetables . It really is a lifetime method and there is no reason why we should slip and gain weight back again . We can eat anything we want ! That 's a full - size plate , and the pancake almost covered it . 375 calories all told , which is about what our loaded oatmeal usually amounts to . This morning I informed Cliff of this and he said , " Then we can have pancakes every day ! " I informed him that we ARE going to have other things besides flour and sugar for breakfast , but we could have pancakes once a week . We do the same with bacon and eggs . Once a week . I 've tried to analyze things and try to figure out what gets us so off - track that we gain all our weight back every . single . time . Best I can tell , it 's eating out . Higginsville has the very best Pizza Hut , so every time we 're in Higginsville at mid - day , we HAVE to have the pizza buffet . If we 're in Blue Springs , Olive Garden calls my name . Lately we have been waiting until right after our noon meal to go anywhere we might be tempted . That takes all the temptation away . Anyhow , my goal this time around is not losing weight , so much as keeping on track and eating healthy for the rest of our lives . We can eat out once a week , even eat too much while we 're eating out , as long as we don 't eat out more often than that . I quit smoking many times before I finally quit for good . I hope something clicks in my brain that will let this be the last time I ever have to worry about losing the excess weight . Wish me luck . Cliff is ready to walk , so I hope there aren 't too many typos here . We want to get our walk in before the 12 inches of snow is on the ground . Last night I put Jody 's calf in the stall , separating the two . It was a noisy night around here , with Jody bawling at the top of her lungs . You can understand her dismay : She had just learned to love this baby , and now for all she knew , she would never see it again . This morning they were reunited in the barn . As soon as Jody saw her baby , milk started streaming from all four quarters . I shoved the calf around to the cow 's left side , put the kicker on Jody on the right side , and milked her two front teats ( much bigger and easier to milk than the back ones ) with no problems . Jenny seemed to prefer sucking on the back teats , so she and I are going to get along great . three hours after their reunion this morning Jody is not going to be a heavy milker . If I had a commercial dairy , this would be bad news , but as things stand , it 's wonderful . I won 't be pouring milk down the drain for six weeks , like I 've had to do with Bonnie each year ( of course I won 't be making cheese , either ) . I will milk only when we need milk , right from the start . Jody is a very young heifer , only twenty - one months old , so chances are she will give more milk next year . But I don 't care whether she does or not . This would be a great time to put Jody and the calf up for sale . A just - freshened heifer with a heifer calf would probably sell pretty easily . . . but I can 't bring myself to part with these two . Not yet , anyway . Posted by Tales of a cow learning to be a mother Jody wasn 't quite sure what to do with her daughter the first twenty - four hours or so . Sometimes she would let her baby nurse her , but other times she would kick her away from her udder . . . not terribly hard , but still . She would spend ten minutes licking her pride and joy , then just wander off and leave her with the rest of the herd . By yesterday , though , they had bonded well , and Jody wasn 't letting the calf out of her sight . The mother gene had kicked in full - blast . I was putting the finishing touches on dinner at noon when I thought I heard mooing . " Is that a cow bawling ? " I asked Cliff , who didn 't answer because he probably didn 't hear me OR the calf . I didn 't enjoy my dinner much . I was picturing a calf in the canyon . Every cow we 've had that misplaced a calf has come looking for me , even the Limousin that didn 't particularly like people . They somehow know they need help from a higher power ( that would be me ) when the rubber meets the road . So once I finished eating , I put on my coat and went to Jody 's aid . The other cows were east of our house , down in a valley grazing . I thought perhaps Jenny was curled up somewhere near them . I called Jody and headed that way with her following at a distance . There is only one ditch in that area , so after looking around where the cows were with no luck , I went there . I did see a gray cat curled up on an old , discarded recliner , but no calf . Any time you are looking for a cow 's calf , you must pay attention to the cow , because if she knows where it is , she will often look in that direction . It 's a dead giveaway . Of course , Jody didn 't seem to know where her baby was . But wait . . . She kept looking across the fence toward the big lot where the horses hang out . I stopped , looked closely up and down the fence line , and sure enough spotted the baby all curled up in the sunlight . All Jody needed to do was go west to the gate , turn back east , and she would have joined her calf , but she was looking for some way to get there in a straight line . I never said she was the smartest cow on the place . So I called her by name and went through the gate with her following . Do you see Jenny ? From this vantage point , Jody couldn 't see her , and at first refused to join me , but when Jenny stood up she came trotting to us . Finally , mother and daughter were reunited and Jody took her to join the herd . I saw a rather touching little cow drama this morning that I should have videoed . The cows were gathered around the bale ring ; Jody was laying down chewing her cud , Bonnie and the others were eating hay . Baby Jenny got up and ran around the bale ring for awhile bucking and playing , and then approached the only udder in sight while her mother was laying down : Bonnie 's . Obviously it was time for breakfast . When she latched onto a teat I figured Bonnie would kick her to Kingdom Come , but she didn 't . She gently lifted a hind leg and pushed the baby back away from her udder . Jenny made several attempts . Each time , Bonnie very gently let her know she was barking up the wrong tree , once even turning around and pushing the calf softly away with her head . I was amazed that she took such care not to hurt a calf that wasn 't hers . Posted by Cliff and I use about half a loaf of bread a month , if that . I buy Iron Kids bread for two reasons : It keeps better than some kinds , and it 's only sixty calories per slice . The main thing we use our bread for is toast , about once a week , so even though bread gets old even in the freezer , it makes decent toast . I am loving the 1990 's toaster I got on Ebay ; the toast is hot enough to melt butter when it pops up , and it only takes half as long as the old toaster that my son - in - law or somebody used for target practice . Sometimes I 'll fix something that Cliff really likes to have bread with , and he gets a slice then . We have biscuits and gravy once in awhile , but I use canned biscuits because of calories , and limit the gravy . Once we get down to a decent weight , I will fix real biscuits once in awhile . Presently , Cliff has lost eighteen pounds and I 've lost seventeen . If we could each lose that much more , we would be at a pretty healthy weight . We do so little physical activity in winter ( just our walk ) , it amazes me that we 're doing so well . Oh , I was talking about bread , wasn 't I ? Cliff 's next - door sister , living alone , doesn 't use a lot of bread either . A couple days ago she brought over half a loaf of Old Style Potato Bread that had grown too stale for her taste , asking if I wanted it for my chickens . Of course I did . When I took a slice out of the sack to take to my chickens , I examined it closely . It was a nice , thick piece of bread , and felt fresh to my fingers . I pinched a piece from the middle to taste ; tasted fine to me . Looking at the label , I saw that each slice was a hundred calories . I told Cliff , " We are going to have French toast tomorrow ! " It was delicious . I reminded Cliff to eat a piece of fruit at some point this morning , since we had nothing but starch and sugar for breakfast . Cliff 's weaknesses , it seems , are white flour and sugar . I sometimes think I should just make a paste of flour , sugar , and water and hand him a bowl of it three times a day . I have succeeded in switching to brown rice in place of white . Honestly , I prefer white rice and I 'm sure Cliff does , but we 're doing OK with it . Cliff does not like whole wheat bread and in fact refuses to eat it if that 's all there is . So I 've left that alone , since we don 't have bread that often anyhow . I mentioned a while back that I 've tossed out all the Teflon pans in the house except for one big skillet that I like to use for frying fish or morel mushrooms . I can 't believe I ever stopped using stainless steel ! No more searching around for a special utensil bDonna Wood Yes indeed , I had three cows who gave birth in the past year , and all of them have had heifer calves . I happened to be outside messing with the chickens this morning when I noticed Jody heading toward the back of the place all by herself . For a cow that 's due to calve any time , that is suspect behavior . Having learned a few lessons the hard way ( about calves falling into ditches ) , I got her to the barn and put her in a pen where she soon began having obvious labor pains . Three hours after penning her up , she had her calf . I have decided to name the baby Jennifer , after the lady who kindly allowed us to use her Jersey bull last Mother 's Day ( thanks , Jennifer ! ) . Keep in mind that a few months ago we were going to butcher Jody because she had such a terrible limp , but Cliff talked me out of it ( thanks , Cliff ! ) . Perhaps because it 's Jody 's first calf , she didn 't seem to know quite what to make of her little bundle of joy . Normally a cow will get up as soon as that calf is out , but Jody was still laying there fifteen minutes later . Oh , she licked her baby and seemed interested , but she just laid there . I finally encouraged her to get up , and after a little confusion , she figured things out . In the following pictures you will see the baby taking her first steps . Didn 't take her long to find where the grub was And now , a video I shot an hour later to let you see the baby walking around . Don 't let the pile of afterbirth bother you ; I 'm sure Jody has eaten it by now . ( I love to gross city folks out with farm lore . ) I discovered a new ( to me ) author yesterday : Robert B . Parker . When I mentioned him on Facebook , several friends and relatives seemed amazed that I wasn 't familiar with him ; one guy pointed out that the TV series " Spenser For Hire " was based on his " Spencer " series . I asked Cliff if he was familiar with it , and he was . I don 't recall ever watching it . Here 's how I discovered the guy : I have put a hold on a couple of ebooks at the library that I want to read , but meanwhile , I figured I 'd find something available that I could read until it becomes my turn to read the ones I 'm waiting on . I found " Night and Day " and was hooked before I was finished with the first chapter . What people don 't realize is that I had had no access to books for years , unless I bought them . The library is eight miles away and I don 't drive . Thanks to the invention of e - readers , I 've experienced a renaissance of reading . I can 't get enough ! Someone suggested I should start with the first in a series ( Spenser , Jesse Stone , or one of the others ) and read the books in order . Well , I can 't do that because the library doesn 't have all of them . I 'm not going to pay ten bucks each to buy the ones that aren 't in the library . I could go to half . com and buy actual books pretty cheaply , but I haven 't finished reading the Waylon Jennings autobiography yet because holding a real book wears me out . I never realized how tedious it can be to read an actual book ! You can 't lay it down or you 'll lose your place . You have to use both hands to hold it . I 'll admit it , I 'm lazy and spoiled ! So , I 'll probably read whatever of the Robert Parker books I can get , in whatever order they present themselves . That 's how I 've done with John Sandford 's Prey series ; sometimes it 's interesting to go back in a character 's history and be surprised to find clues to why the main character behaves as he does in the later books . I do occasionally purchase a book for my Nook , but when I do , I try to make it one that is so good I 'll want to read it more than once ; and with all the bPosted by The way Cliff and I try to stay on track with our eating habits ( notice how I carefully avoid the word " diet " ) is by counting calories . Cliff doesn 't count them , I count for both of us . No food is off - limits , but I try to keep the calories in check most of the time by using portion control and limiting how often we eat out . Most days we each take in from 1 , 600 to 1 , 800 calories ; this assures that we 're seldom hungry . It also assures that we don 't lose weight very fast , but then we aren 't running a race . Cliff loves pancakes , and because he tends to over - indulge , we don 't have them often . This morning I decided to treat him . Because I 'm using Sparkpeople . com to track calories , I typed the recipe into that site to see how many calories I would be eating . Forget about Cliff , he 'll be over - indulging anyway . We usually have two pretty big pancakes apiece , even though I 'm not that crazy about pancakes . Then there 's the butter and syrup , which I decided to measure today , just to keep me honest . I told Cliff , " I think I 'll just have one pancake this time . That 's probably plenty . " No response from Cliff . Ignore the vitamin pills ; I add those to track my nutrition intake , not the calories . Thanks to Sparkpeople , I found out my diet was woefully lacking in calcium , and bought myself some pills . Oh , and the Coffeemate amount is for my whole day 's coffee intake , not just breakfast , just so I don 't have to add it again at dinner . By sticking to one pancake and not drowning it in syrup , my breakfast calories are pretty close to where they should be . Now I am asking myself , " Would I miss that butter if I left it off ? Do I even TASTE the butter when I 'm eating my pancake ? " I 'm not so sure I do . So I told Cliff all of this , and he said , " Next time we have pancakes , make just one for me , too . " " Really ? Well , if you only have one , you could eat pancakes once a week ! " Sometimes I amaze myself . Posted by Cliff and I don 't do Valentine cards much . I don 't have any desire for flowers , and I certainly do not need candy . The one thing we usually do to celebrate Valentine 's day is this : we eat out someplace , usually Olive Garden . Well , we 're trying to behave ourselves . We 're each down thirteen pounds or so , and neither of us wants to ruin that with a day of gluttony . This morning Cliff said , " I wish I could buy you a meal somewhere for Valentine 's Day , but that 's out . " Since we were going to hit the roads today , I said , " Hey , we can always get a Subway sandwich . Let 's do that ! " He agreed to that . But then I remembered we were going to be stopping by a Walmart and I changed my mind . " Instead of the Subway sandwich , which we can get any time , how about we get one of those rotisserie chickens , take it home and heat up that leftover macaroni - and - tomatoes from yesterday that 's in the refrigerator . I 'll cook some baby lima beans , and we 'll eat healthy . " We each had a leg and thigh ( with skin removed ) . Cliff had a few bits of chicken in his salad tonight . And we 'll have the chicken breast as the main course in tomorrow 's dinner . It was a good Valentine 's Day around here . Posted by We use one credit card , mostly for gasoline . We pay it in full every month , so there 's no interest to worry about . We get air miles or money back for using the card ; I always take the money . If we are going to make some major purchase , I will often put it on the card and then get online and pay it two days later , just so I get more money back from Visa . In other words , that credit card company is losing money on us . I peeked at my bill this morning and there was a pending charge of $ 155 from Ancestry . com . Now , as far as I know , I have never signed up for a paid account there . I didn 't see a phone number for Ancestry . com , so I started looking for a customer service number for the credit card . As I was poking around the site , a popup thingie appeared telling me I could chat with an agent online . This same thing happened on the ATT website when I was setting up an account there . Believe it or not , I LOVE this method of communicating . After years of talking in chat rooms and instant messages , typing comes as naturally to me as breathing . My experience this morning was a positive one , as it was with ATT . Communicating in this manner , you don 't have to worry about being able to hear the person . If he is in India , you don 't have to decipher what he 's saying . No problems with a foreign accent with the written ( typed ) word . Another benefit to this online chatting is that the person I 'm talking to doesn 't have to hear my screaming or crying . I don 't intentionally raise my voice when I 'm upset , it just happens . Yes , I get extremely upset when a charge shows up on my credit card that I had nothing to do with . So this morning my customer service person asked for the vital information he needed to make sure it was really me and gave me a phone number for Ancestry . com . I called , but they don 't start answering phones until 10 A . M . Turns out I didn 't need the number because when I went to the website and went to my account , I was able to get online and fix the problem . Problem solved . I do have an account at Ancestry . com that costs me nothing ; it 's linked to the information my cousin Pauline puts on the site . Now I could use a nap . There are more horses coming to our property in May : Adam , who has kept his horses here for several years , has a lady friend who needs a new place to keep her animals . If it 's another drought year , I may have to sell every cow but Bonnie , but we 'll hope for the best . One thing about it , we won 't have to supply hay for the horses ; the owners are responsible for that . Posted by Sometimes I will tell Cliff about something I would like to have , or someplace I 'd like to go , and he 'll say , " Well if there 's something you want , you 'd better get it , because we don 't have that much time left . " We had a discussion yesterday about how very special every minute is . When I wake up in the morning , I have a profound sense of gratitude that I 've been granted another day . I can see , hear , walk , smell . . . When I was young , I didn 't think about how precious a day was or what a great thing it was to see the sunrise and hear the birds singing . Looking ahead , I saw what seemed like an endless supply of days ahead . Of course I was aware that everybody dies , but it isn 't anything I was worried about yet . I 've seen people cringe when I say , " Cliff told me to get what I want , because we 're dying soon . " I 've even had someone tell me to quit talking like that . It 's as though they think that if you don 't mention death , it won 't happen . I don 't find it morbid at all to admit our time is short . The best thing about getting old is that , knowing you have a limited amount of time left , you treasure the time you are given . " Grow old along with me ! The best is yet to be , the last of life , for which the first was made . Our times are in his hand who saith , ' A whole I planned , youth shows but half ; Trust God : See all , nor be afraid ! ' " Robert Browning And once the storm is over you won 't remember how you made it through , how you managed to survive . You won 't even be sure , in fact , whether the storm is really over . But one thing is certain . When you come out of the storm you won 't be the same person who walked in . That 's what this storm 's all about . Haruki Murakami , Kafka on the Shore People on Facebook have seen most of these pictures , but it 's time I shared them with my non - Facebook friends . My husband keeps saying David ( Hyperblogal ) , who takes my pictures and plays around with them , has too much time on his hands . I was a precocious child , learning how to use an Ipad at an early age . My yard during the last snowstorm Strange photographers There is a certain person in my town who used to come here often asking me to put ads on Craigslist for him . He fancies himself quite a hot - shot trader . He would want me to scan pictures to go with his ads , and was very picky about how it was done ; usually he 'd be here an hour or more just to get everything to suit him for an ad that should have taken ten minutes . Then he would want me to print something for him , several copies please . Oh , wait , I don 't think he ever said " please " . He sure never bothered to pay me for ink . Here 's an example of how annoying the guy is : He is the one who came to our house for the logging crew , asking if we wanted to sell our walnut ; I assume they pay him some sort of finder 's fee for every land - owner who signs up . That 's fine , but once the crew arrived , he took the liberty of driving into our pasture every day , sometimes more than once , while the logging was going on . He was here when they gave us our check , and had the nerve to ask how much we got for the lumber . One time he came for some reason and I told him if he wanted some tomatoes from my garden to help himself . He took some home with him . A week later I looked out my window and there he was getting more tomatoes and picking peppers as well ! He just drove up , didn 't ask me or Cliff if it was OK . Nervy , right ? I told him I wanted what was left , and he got in his truck and left . A few months ago I finally refused to do one of his little ad - placing freebies . You can 't insult the guy , believe me . Cliff and I have both tried . A while ago he showed up at my door . I saw he had a manilla envelope in his hand . I didn 't invite him in . He says , " I need a favor . " " If it involves my computer , no , " I told him . " You need to learn to do that stuff yourself . " " Oh , well . I guess I 'll have Shelly do it . How do you like your new neighbors ? " Seriously ? See what I mean about how you can 't insult him ? I brush him off and he tries to make conversation . I don 't know who Shelly is ; if I did , I would call and warn her . I know this makes me a not - so - nice person . But I 'm telling you , this individual has pushed me to my limit . My daughter has given me some inspiration , or perhaps I should say motivation , a couple of times lately . I used to buy Hill 's Science Diet for any dog I owned . I assumed it must be the best because veteranarians sell it , although I bought mine at various farm stores . Rachel told me about a website that compares the various brands of dog food ( click HERE ) , showing that Science Diet only gets a one - star rating , the lowest possible . Not that Iris has been getting that brand for the past couple of years ; I received a free sample of Purina One , dumped it in the dish beside Science Diet , and Iris obviously preferred the sample . That 's what we 've bought for her ever since . That one gets two stars . There 's a list of the best dog foods ( HERE ) , but on that very long list , the only one I 've heard of is Diamond . That 's the brand my grandson was getting for Titan ; it made him have terrible gas , and he was losing weight . So they switched him to Iris ' brand . What I 'd like is a sample of Diamond before I buy a big bag ; It 's available on Amazon . com for about the same price I 'm paying for Purina One . Shipping is free . If Iris seems to like it OK , we 'll switch . I 'm hoping Titan 's gas problem was just some sort of food allergy . So much for canines . On to the containers : Rachel mentioned a while back that she went through all her containers like these , and the ones that had no matching lids , she tossed . That jogged me into action , and I followed her example . It seems she found more containers than lids . It was opposite for me . Now I 'm wondering whether we had one another 's containers and lids ! Food has been known to travel between our houses , in both directions . Anyhow , after the purge I had very few containers left , so I bought some new ones . The Glad freezerWare in the picture is the size I use the most . I got attached to those because they would fit in Cliff 's lunch box . Of course , when he retired , so did his lunch box , but I 'm still partial to that size . The multi - use - but - semi - disposable sort of container is one of the better invfrom the side With only two weeks until her due date , Jody continues to " make bag " , as my dad and mom used to say . Crystal , Bonnie 's calf , has always been on the shy side . When a calf runs at Mama 's side all the time , it 's hard to gentle her down . Thank goodness her curiosity makes her want to inspect things and people . Today I could see she wanted in the barn when I let Jody in , so I stood back and watched her slowly enter . Then I shut the door . She panicked briefly , but when I put some sweet feed in front of her she lost most of her fear . At one point I was sitting on a stool less than three feet away from her , watching her eat . This little girl has her mom 's personality . Crystal was born in November , two months later than George and Gracie . She has almost caught up to them in size , and I imagine she 'll pass them up before long . All that milk makes her grow fast . |
Posted on June 18 , 2017 by susank456 I 've come to the conclusion we live on sacred ground . For real , our house is on hallowed ground . I 'm surprised the builder was even allowed to build here and it must have been a real challenge to lay the foundation and not disturb the buried . Our house sits on an ancient rock burial ground . That has to be the only explanation . Our property is where they brought the rocks , large and small when they died to be buried for thousands of years . Sounds goofy right , but that has to be it , because no matter where I try to dig a hole , I dig more rock than dirt . Smooth glacier rocks that come in all sizes , from the size of a quarter to the size of a football . Imagine putting the shovel point in the dirt and stepping down on the edge of the shovel to slice into the dirt and the shovel slams into a rock or group of rocks , the shovel twists , the handle follows the twist and whacks you in the chin , then your foot slips off of the shovel , scrapes your foot and you twist your knee . This is followed by a very descriptive diatribe that sends the birds flying . Now imagine doing this over and over again to fish out a multitude of rocks , so you can get a hole wide enough and deep enough to plant something , anything . It 's a good thing I bought a truck load of dirt earlier in the spring , just to fill in the holes . All of our neighbors have these really nice landscaped yards and we have rocks . Lots and lots of rocks , hidden just under surface of our yard . Maybe that 's why there was no landscaping done when we bought the house . Either they knew it was sacred land and didn 't want to disturb the rock spirits or all of the other builders dumped their rocks here and left us to deal with the little buggers . I would like to think our land is special , that sounds more fun , but in reality , it 's probably the latter . We got dumped on , literally . Posted on May 28 , 2017 by susank456 Mother Nature finally came through for us . The weather here has been so damp and dank , with rain and unseasonably chilly temperatures for so long , I was beginning to fear that summer would never come . Our vacation was rapidly approaching and we had not made any plans yet , no destination in mind , we just knew that we did not want to stick around here for more misery . As the first vacation day approached , the weather forecast started looking a bit more promising with temperatures ranging in the eighties and lots of sunshine , so in the end we decided to stay here and go exploring locally . Our first day was a trip to Woodinville , for a day of wine tasting . Hey , I have my priorities . And yes , we tasted many nice wines and bought a few bottles . Our second day we included the dogs on our day trip . We drove over to Point Defiance on Puget Sound and let the dogs run around and play in the ocean . One day we did some yard work and finished our newly built and planted raised beds . We drove down to Olympia and went to Tumwater Falls Park . It was a bit of a disappointment , I was hoping for bigger falls and a longer hike , but that was not the reality . The falls were small and the trek around them was short , maybe a mile at most . We took a longer day trip with the dogs to the Green River Nature Area O ' Grady Trail and had a longer hike . The trail was partially a road access that could handle cars and trucks with offshoot trails that were dirt paths wide enough for a horse or single file hikers . The trails had nice carved wooden signs that not only showed where the trail went but also had a " you are here " notation on each so we could place ourselves on the trail and where in the area we wanted to go . We found a homemade Tic Tac Toe Board carved into a stump complete with rocks for markers . We hiked down to the Green River , saw how fast it was running and decided it was not a good idea to let the dogs go in . We would have to drive to Puget Sound to save them . To finish off our vacation , we decided to go kayaking . The dilemma was where ? We thought about Point Defiance Park and go kayaking in Puget Sound , but common sense won out . I had only been kayaking once before , on a nice calm lake where the boats had to have a motor no larger than fifteen horse power and Mitch has never been kayaking . Out here the sky is the limit , plus there is the tides to consider . We talked it out and decided a lake would be safer and a better first time experience . We checked on kayak rentals around Lake Washington and found one in Bellevue . We got there before the rental office opened , about thirty minutes early and found a line had already formed . We rented two single kayaks so we could each experience paddling and maneuvering our own kayak , plus I watched other people in double kayaks and most weren 't paddling in unison , one paddle would be up and one paddle would be down , the kayak going nowhere . The water was still very chilly , around sixty degrees or so , but the sky was clear no clouds for as far as the eye could see . We set off heading north crossing under the I - 90 bridge to run along the coast gawking at houses on the shore . Most were very large and new , but there were some older smaller homes tucked in between the larger estate homes . We watched the boats go up and down the main channel , a few smaller boats but most were larger vessels , suitable for the ocean and felt the wake of each one . I was glad we chose a lake to start on first . After about forty - five minutes we turned around and headed in the opposite direction to see what was on the other side of the bridge and farther south . We headed into the back of the cove and gawked at some more houses . We decided to call it a day and head back to the boat launch . We talked about how much we enjoyed this and as I headed toward the launch I made a comment about shopping for a kayak online . I got no response , so I looked around and couldn 't find Mitch . He was right there and then he was gone . I slowed my kayak and turned around to look for him and saw in the water about three hundred feet or so , his kayak flipped upside down . I looked next to his kayak and there was his head bobbing beside it . I paddled as fast I could and as I got closer , I could see him hanging on , so at least he was conscious . As I got close enough to talk to him , I asked what he did . He answered he didn 't know , not that succinctly but with more descriptive adjectives and adverbs . I asked if he was okay , but was not sure how I could help get the kayak righted without rolling myself , and not being that selfless , I didn 't offer to help right it . That 's what you get when you 're dealing with amateurs , dumb and dumber . Two guys and a little girl in a canoe came and offered help , but Mitch declined , saying he could make it to the launch . Another couple came up and offered assistance and again Mitch declined , I don 't know what he was thinking , that maybe AAA was going to show , or All In Posted on May 26 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now become a full - fledged member of our family . You know how family acts together , no inhibitions , everything hangs out , farts , burps and language is much more casual , while a guest is on their best behavior . Dogs are the same way in a fashion . They tend to be more on guard , watchful and very polite . Now Royal knows for sure that he is here to stay and his quirks and " bad habits " have emerged . Not that he is bad by any figment of the imagination , he is really a pleasure to have , it 's just that now the other habits have emerged . Maybe some of it has to do with us being on vacation and together all week or maybe he has finally " let his hair down " . We were warned that Royal loves tennis balls to the extreme , and we would have to physically take it away from him or he would chew on it until it was destroyed , so we limit his ball time . On Monday , we drove over to Point Defiance Park to let the dogs get into Puget Sound for some swimming and romping around . Well , Royal knows what the water is good for , playing fetch with whatever is available to throw out in the water and he can retrieve . We didn 't think to take a tennis ball , so we looked for a stick . The first stick wasn 't big enough and Royal just chewed it up on the first throw . We searched around and found a small log , about two inches in diameter and about a foot long , and threw it out in the Sound for him . The log was pretty waterlogged , so Royal was able to chew it up a bit on each retrieve . Did I forget to mention that not only does he likes to go get whatever is thrown for him , but chews on it some is also a prerequisite . With each throw , Royal would destroy it bit by bit . Orso was not as interested in swimming around and playing fetch , he was more intrigued with everything else , the beach , the trees and all the people . He kept wandering off in search of something new , so I followed him up and down the beach to keep him from getting too close to other people and their dogs . Mitch was tasked with keepThis morning on our after - breakfast walk , Royal spotted some small animal poop on the side of the road , that some moronic dog owner didn 't bother picking up , leaving it for some unsuspecting walker , ( usually me ) to step in . He stuck his nose almost on it to give it a good sniff , then proceeded to drop down to roll his head in the poop . I caught on just as he was headed down and jerked the leashed and gave a rather loud " no " for five in the morning . His head hit the ground next to the poop , but thankfully he missed the pile . That was the first time he did the " Drop and Roll " on something , but I can see that I need to keep a watchful eye on him in the future . When we got home from the walk , Royal got a thorough face cleaning with a Clorox wipe . Posted on May 13 , 2017 by susank456 Mother Nature is having a huge laugh at our expense and I 've had enough . It is the middle of May for god 's sake and I 'm still wearing an insulated jacket when I walk the dogs . Oh and did I mention the jacket has a hood , because we are having the wettest spring on record . That matched our winter , which was the wettest on record , too . Yada , yada , yada . Tomorrow is Mother 's Day and in the Midwest , that is the date to plant your hot weather vegetables and tomatoes . Here , I 'm still hardening off my tomatoes so they don 't wither and die at night when the temperatures dip into the forties . Well enough is enough ! I am so ready for some warmer weather , not asking for nineties , I don 't want that , but some seventy degree days are desperately needed and sunshine . I need some sunshine ! I would even settle for the mid - sixties if I could have the sun out too . I have so much yardwork to do , but every time I get ready to head out , I look outside and it 's raining , again . All the native Washingtonians tell me that this is so unusual and they are getting tired of all the chilly wet weather too . Well Mother Nature , enough is enough , come on , you 've had a good laugh and have reminded us all you are in control , not us . It 's time to move on , go inland , go out to sea , I don 't care , just go play your pranks someplace else . I have eight raised beds and all I have planted so far is a bed of strawberries and a bed with three blueberry bushes . I have green beans , zucchini and cucumber seeds I need to get in the ground , not to mention the tomatoes . And I 'm haven 't even mentioned mowing yet . I could mow my yard twice a week , if I was so inclined . All my neighbors mow their lawns one to two times a week , but not me , I don 't care that much about it . I like my grass a bit taller than everyone else around here . If you were to compare our yards to a golf course , my neighbors ' yards look like the putting green and my yard looks like the rough . It hides the weeds . Posted on May 3 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now been here for a month and it 's like he has been with us forever . He is completely ensconced in our home and lives . He and Orso get along almost like they had been litter mates . Both are consummate couch potatoes with short bursts of energy , running side by side full steam nipping at each other , then dropping on the grass rolling around on their backs settling on their stomachs to watch what I 'm doing . There are no fights or tension , it is so pleasant , just two dogs that have the same temperament . A real breath of fresh air . Not to pretend Royal is perfect , he is not . He has no sense of personal space , getting right in my face wanting to lick me all over ( yuck ) . I 've seen what they put in their mouths . Try putting your shoes on and playing dodge ball with your head in an attempt to avoid dog kisses . I can bob and weave like a pro boxer now . He walks crooked , partly because of his hip dysplasia , which is quite annoying on our walks . He must walk on my right , won 't walk on the left , so I 'm left to walking in the middle of these two buffoons and Royal walks into my right leg pushing me into Orso . Then he crosses in front of me to go sniff and pee . After he is done sniffing and peeing , he crosses back to my right , but this time he crosses behind me . So I 'm constantly circling the leash around my head like a lasso . I am pretty sure the neighbors think I 'm nuts . What else is new ? We were told Royal gets along well with cats , but I 'm not so sure about that . He has gone ballistic barking and growling at the neighbor 's cat walking across the back fence . He chased that cat the length of the yard along the fence line and I don 't think it was to introduce himself to the neighborhood . He also has no fondness for squirrels . He wants one badly and I fear the day he and Orso outsmart one . Not that I love squirrels , I just don 't want to watch the bloodletting and subsequent visit to the vet . Bedtime means all of us in our bed . We lost that battle three dogs ago . Now we just accept the cramped sleeping space and constant dog hair . I keep the bed and pillows swathed in sheets to keep our faces free of dog hair and other dog parts . The top of the bed is no - man 's land , but under the comforter the sheets are dog free . Of course the added bodies make the bed hotter , so I keep a fan blowing on me year round . Poor Mitch has to sleep in his shorts , sweatpants , t - shirt and sweatshirt , plus in the winter he has two comforters on him , even with the dog body heat . I 'm glad we took the chance and brought him home , he is the perfect match for Orso . And I do get a kick out of walking two dogs that weigh right at a hundred pounds . You should see the faces of the people I walk by with their five pound dogs barking up a storm and mine are actually behaving . ( Of course when they don 't I look like a boat anchor dragging behind them ) . Just to show you I am not making it up , I have a picture of the two laying in the yard . Posted on April 1 , 2017 by susank456 Well call us crazy or not , we took the leap and jumped off the cliff . After we received the reprieve from the woman asking for two weeks to try and work something out with her landlord , we breathed a sigh of relief . We told each other that it was for a reason that we didn 't get the dog . That maybe later on in the future , we would start looking for a dog . Guess what ? Two weeks to the day , we received an email , asking if we were still interested in meeting Royal . We said yes , but now due to prior commitments , we couldn 't take him for another two weeks . We also said we would understand if they couldn 't wait for us . Oh no , was the response , they would be more than happy to keep him for another 2 weeks . They just wanted to make sure he had a good home . I wasn 't sure how she " knew " we would be a good home , since we had only traded emails to date . We agreed to meet Royal the following Sunday , and see how he would get along with Orso . All week , I kept going back and forth , are we doing the right thing for Orso ? If we take Royal , would that be the right thing for him ? Talk about making myself crazy , I must have waffled back forth enough to have worn a groove in my brain . Sunday morning , we loaded Orso up and headed out to meet Royal . We got there early and wandered around the school grounds that we had agreed to introduce the two on . Neutral territory , that way no one felt threatened or possessive of the space . A car pulled into the far side of the parking lot and watched as a man got out with a large dark brown dog . Nope , not Royal , we thought , because it was a Doberman and we were expecting a lab / mastiff mix . The man and the dog headed off in the opposite direction so we were pretty sure , they were just out for a stroll in the drizzle . Another car pulled in and parked . A woman and a teenage girl got out of the car and the woman turned and opened the back door of the car . Out hopped a fawn colored dog with blackish brown ears . Royal came trotting over to us , quite unafraid and eager to meet us and Orso . He was as tall as Orso and a little bigger in the chest than Orso , maybe about five to ten pounds overweight . He was super friendly and just wanted to be petted . He was also a leaner . After introductions , we watched the two get to know each other , sniffing butts , peeing on top of the other 's pee spot and running around the grass . Orso tried to jump on his back a couple of times and each time Royal would turn and give a warning bark growl , but never showed teeth . I was quite impressed with the dog , and ready to jump over the ledge . Mitch asked a few questions , did he have any ailments , eating issues , were his shots up to date , etc . All of our questions were answered quite positively , and I couldn 't help but wonder about his owner . It would take dire circumstances for me to even consider having to find a home for Orso and not keep him . We asked if any others had responded to the ad and the woman said yes , she had gotten eight offers but only took one other offer seriously . After meeting the couple , she told them no they couldn 't have Royal . It seems the couple had a pair of pit bulls with them that were quite beat up and kept asking her what the mastiff side was capable of . She told us that she felt uneasy and worried about Royal 's safety . I took the first leap , looked at Mitch and said that we would love to take him , but because family was coming into town , we couldn 't take him until the following Saturday . That seemed to be quite workable , so we said good - bye , loaded up Orso and headed home . Saturday morning , we picked up Royal and brought him home . We left Orso home for the pick up so that there was no tension in cramped spaces . As soon as we pulled into the driveway , I jumped out and leashed up Orso and the four of us went for a nice long walk . We are now a week into back being a two - dog family and so far , so good . Maybe it 's because both dogs are older , Orso will be eleven and Royal is almost six , both are very calm sedate dogs , pretty much couch potatoes most of the time . So for now , life is good , just a little more cramped on the couch , but quite relaxed . I 'm sure once Royal gets comfortable and realizes the once he crossed the threshold , he was here to stay , things will getShare this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , dogs playing , humor , labradors , marriage , mastiff , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 4 Comments Posted on March 18 , 2017March 18 , 2017 by susank456 The description , " She walks with fluid soft grace , she almost floats " has been used to describe me NEVER ! You will never hear the words fluid soft grace , when someone talks about me . I have an uncanny ability trip over thin air , lose my balance when doing the simple task of standing or fall up or down stairs . I 'm quite an accomplished professional faller . I also find new ways to either cut myself on the most mundane object . Case in point , I sliced open my knuckle on a piece of aluminum foil the other day . Who gets a paper cut from aluminum foil , me that 's who . I can 't blame this ability on getting older or some strange side effect from the gravitation pull of a full moon . I 've been this graceless from childhood and the phase of the moon has no effect on me . My mother even sent me to Charm School when I was budding teenager . I learned how to set a proper table , to sit with my ankles crossed and how to stand with a book on my head . And do you know what happened at the graduation ceremony , I tripped walking across the stage to pick up my diploma . Poor mom , couldn 't get a refund . I have fallen off the side of the road and face planted in the ditch without any help from the dogs . I 've crashed and burned falling down a hill carrying a four - foot step ladder . I burn my hands on oven racks almost weekly . ( Hum , maybe I should quit cooking ) And as I mentioned above , I have lacerated myself with aluminum foil , paper , knives and forks . Last night I reached a new level of clumsiness . I was cleaning the huge mirror in our bathroom and couldn 't reach the top of the mirror standing in front of the vanity . I know what you 're thinking , I climbed up on the vanity then fell off . You would be wrong , not that I didn 't consider it . Nope , I went and got the small rickety wooden step ladder from our closet , so I could reach the top without falling off the vanity . I set the step ladder up and climbed up to reach the top section on the left side of the mirror . But because the mirror spans the length of the room , I had to move the step ladder to the other side so that I could clean the top right hand side of the mirror . As I set the step ladder down , I placed one leg on the toe of my right shoe , then proceeded to climb up on the step ladder . Yes , I knew I set the ladder on my shoe and still stepped up on the ladder , I don 't know why I continued , but I did . Needless to say , I crushed one toe so badly it bled in my sock . I hopped off the ladder cursing and hopping around the bedroom . I know what you 're thinking , " What kind of moron would put a ladder on her foot and then step on it ? " I don 't have a good answer for you , except I think I move faster than my brain . That sounds as good of an explanation as any , or I 'm just a moron . That would work too . So now my options are I can only use ladders when supervised by an adult or hire a mirror cleaner . Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , humor , short story Tagged clumsiness , grace , humor , satire , short stories , walking , women , writing 10 Comments Posted on March 10 , 2017 by susank456 I have the perfect job for Orso - Spokesdog . Not just any old spokesdog , but a spokesdog for UPS . UPS would be lucky to have him for their mouthpiece as a satisfied customer . Though I 'm not sure how to approach UPS and pitch Orso as their spokesdog . It 's perfect when you think about it , Orso is a great big chocolate lab and the UPS official color is brown , it 's a match made in heaven . A big brown dog standing in a big brown truck , and who doesn 't love a big brown slobbery happy dog ? Talk about PR perfection , it 's a marketing dream . Orso loves the UPS man and his big brown truck . Orso knows the sound of the diesel truck coming from a long way away . He will jump up from a dead sleep to run to the front door to watch and wait for his favorite UPS driver . It helps that our regular driver brings large dog biscuits with him and gives one to Orso with each delivery . When Orso hears the truck , he runs to the door and watches with great big hopeful eyes , and if the truck stops , he will cry and whine and bark this shrill bark , showing his total impatience at how slowly the world turns while he is waiting for the UPS man to climb out of the truck and bring him a dog biscuit . Because we all know that Orso NEVER gets any treats , only the ones the UPS man gives him . Not . As soon as the driver gets out of the truck and starts to walk to the front door , Orso is standing on his hind legs barking loudly and frantically , as if he has just found his long - lost boy . It 's a bit embarrassing and I must admit to a bit of jealousness , because I 'm not so sure , Orso wouldn 't just go with the UPS man . After all , he has food and Orso is a lab . Orso has become so obsessed with the big brown UPS truck that if we 're out on a walk and he hears a truck , any truck with the telltale diesel engine , Orso will stop and search for the direction the sound is coming from , then turn and wait until the noise gets louder and closer . God forbid he sees the truck while we 're walking . That turns into an Aflac claim just waiting to happen . Twice this week the UPS truck came up the street while we were out on our morning walk . Orso turned and started barking at the truck hoping to get the driver to stop , which he did right there in the middle of the street . Our driver , then turned the truck off and climbed into the back of his truck , just to get Orso a biscuit . Orso had already climbed up into the truck and was waiting for the treat . Our UPS driver told me that Orso was the only dog on his route that gets so excited to see him . I think that the driver gets as big a kick out of seeing Orso as Orso does when he sees him . It 's a sad day when the truck doesn 't stop or if our regular driver is off and there is no biscuit . Orso doesn 't understand why not every delivery person that comes to our door is as prepared to meet a happy hungry lab . I guess I should keep a stash of dog treats by the door so if someone comes empty - handed I can save the day . Orso - Spokesdog for UPS , has a ring to it don 't you think ? Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , humor , short story Tagged dogs , labradors , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 3 Comments Posted on February 24 , 2017 by susank456 We moved here almost two years ago , but for all intent and purposes we don 't have a clue how to get around well in areas we don 't travel to regularly . Case in point , last fall one of my son 's and his family came out for a visit . We planned a day trip to go see the Space Needle and Pike Place Market . We not so brightly parked at the Space Needle went up to the top , then walked across the street to eat lunch . Consulting my trusty cell phone , the distance from the Space Needle to Pike Place Market didn 't look that far . After a consultation among four adults that didn 't have a clue how to get around well in downtown Seattle , we headed off on foot . The walk to Pike Place Market wasn 't so bad , it was an all downhill mile long walk . The walk back to the car was a different story , a mile long walk uphill , did I mention with two children under six ? It wasn 't until about a month later , I found out there was a monorail that goes from the Space Needle to the Pike Place Market area . I 'm surprised my son still speaks to me . We have more family coming to visit soon and we want to avoid a repeat of that fiasco , so we decided to check out the light rail system from the airport to downtown Seattle . This weekend is hosting the Spring Flower and Garden Show at the Washington State Convention Center and we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to check out the rail system and how it works . We wanted to see how hard it would be to get to Pike Place Market , the Space Needle , the aquarium then back home and if will be worth the effort . Since Mitch works at the airport and has access to free employee parking , we thought that would be a perfect parking place . The only hitch is that only badged airport employees can ride the bus to the airport . That meant Mitch would have to drop me off at transit station stop , go park the car , ride the bus to the airport , then walk to the transit stop to meet me . Mitch pulled up to the curb and I jumped out of the car . No sooner had I pulled my left foot out of the car to step up on the curb , did a police siren go off . Right behind us was a transit police officer , and I thought what did we do ? I stepped back and Mitch waved me off so I walked farther away out of earshot so I couldn 't hear what was said . As I walked up the stairs to the train , I kept watch hoping the police officer would just give him a warning , but it didn 't look that way . Less than five minutes went by , the officer walked back to our car and handed Mitch a piece of paper . I was pretty sure , it wasn 't a coupon for Starbucks . Yes sir , it was a ticket . It was a ticket for violating the HOV lane . The second I stepped fully out of the car , Mitch was violating the HOV ordinance , can you believe it ? If I 'd just stayed in the car , we would have been golden , but for the split - second I was out of the car and before Mitch pulled away from the curb , we broke the HOV law . And now evidently it is not cheap to break the HOV law , one hundred thirty - six dollars for a split second . Talk about an expensive day trip . Posted on February 19 , 2017 by susank456 We almost brought another dog into our lives , almost . We were so close . Mitch saw an ad in the Saturday paper , " A lab / mastiff mix , 6 years old " and then the magic words , " FREE TO A GOOD HOME " . Mitch was hooked . Even though he knows , there is no such thing as free . Nothing is ever free . More importantly , Mitch has been the hold out , saying over and over , " Not another dog , yet . " But there it was , Mitch urging me to send an email , asking about the dog . I reminded him of our last experience with a " lab mix " . As much as I loved Charlie , he was always a bit off . We were " on guard " with him always , because he was animal aggressive and sometimes very explosive . So , I called his bluff , I sent an email , asking how big he was , did he get along with other dogs , etc . The ad said he was good with cats and children , but didn 't mention dogs . I got a response , that yes , he was good with other dogs , they had three other dogs , four cats and four children . A very full house . He also weighed a hundred pounds , so a good size match for Orso . Now I was curious as to why if they had three other dogs , four cats and four children , why was this dog singled out to be kicked to the curb . Why not get rid of the cats ? Four cats to one dog , seemed like a fair trade . I sent the question back , " why are you trying to find a home for this dog ? " I phrased it very diplomatically , instead of saying , " why are you getting rid of this one , as opposed to one of the others ? " I wanted to know the real reason for the ad . What was wrong with him ? Was he a biter , a fighter , what ? Why was this one getting the boot ? Because the answers would determine our next step . I was still very gun shy about getting back into a situation where Orso would be victimized ever again . We were straddling the fence , not sure which side to fall on , dog or no dog . I almost called our best friends to ask what we should do , but I already knew their answer , " Get the dog . " They have three medium to large size dogs , and are not unbiased . By the time we went to bed , we had decided that no we would pass on the dog . No dog yet . Her email response came in the morning . The answer was not what I expected at all . The owner had gotten the dog as a puppy and now after six years had to give him up because she had to move to an apartment wouldn 't take dogs , especially large dogs , so she took him to her friend , who promised to look for a great home for him . The friend had placed the ad , with three other dogs , four cats and four children already had a full house . After reading her email , I was ready to get in the car , drive to wherever he was and bring him home on the spot . Sanity returned and I waited for Mitch to wake up . We talked some more , pros and cons , talking ourselves out of the dog , then back into the dog . I finally sent an email back asking if we could meet with Orso to see how they might interact . I got a response saying that was a great idea and when could we get there . I asked if noon would work and waited for her response . The reply came back letting us off the hook - sort - of . The owner was not handling the separation well and asked her friend if they would keep him for two weeks , until she either found another place or could win over her landlord . But could they keep our email , " just in case . " My heart went out to the woman and her dog , because I know how I would feel if I were forced with the same decision . I answered back that of course , they could keep our email address , and that I understood completely . I even offered to " foster the dog " for the woman if she wanted to on a short or long term basis , if the need arose . We almost fell down the rabbit hole , not quite , but we 're teetering . |
Another lovely day in Britain . It was so sunny in the morning that I was actually really warm in the tent at 6 . 15 in the morning when I woke up about 30 seconds before the alarm rang . I took a while getting up , not that I wasn 't fit or the weather wasn 't good enough to get going , but I continued to read a book - Midnight Sun ( for the second time ) - while I ate my dry muesli ( very tasty ! ) and got so engrossed that I couldn 't put it down for a while . But it did not matter . That way the ponies could rest and eat more and it was not quite so important to set off early as we knew where we were going in the evening . We crossed known paths twice during the day . Interestingly , when we first got to the known part , Artax , recognising it immediately , wanted to go back north , which would have taken us in a little circle back to Airton where we had spent the last night . Yes , they had liked it there and had not been at all motivated to come to me or follow me when it was time to get them ready . After a few miles on the known road , we sent in a different direction again , which would keep us further away from large roads than on the way up and instead go through the Dales in more wild country . I met two men along the way , one of whom said his son was a photographer for the local paper in Craven , so he said he 'd call him to tell him about us . He took the phone from his pocked to dial , but it rang his end first with his son calling him . He told him about us and it turned out he already had my number from when the other gentleman had called the paper the day before . This time he did get in touch with me and we met in a village along the way to take some photos . I hope I can get some of them , they are surely really good . Maggie , as always when she 's feeling warm , had a couple of baths again . When the river - or whichever hole with water - isn 't deep enough , to get quite wet , she always has a lie down for a proper cool off and is then ready to be on her way again a very short time later . The second time we came along a known way was at the entrance to the property where we stayed . We had come to it from the other direction , so the horses had no idea until we got to the turnoff , at which point they looked and turned into it as if it were the most normal thing to do , like going home to their own stable . It 's quite amazing how they know , or at least Artax . It is hard to tell with the little ones as they are somehow like passengers in a car and play a more passive role when it comes to directions , whereas Artax is always the leader , and a very observant one . We found a warm welcome again and the ponies were happy on their field that even had more grass than the time before . I woke up at my usual six o ' clock feeling sick again for the first time in days . Oh no , it wasn 't the water from the auction , was it ? But I seemed to be fine again after some of my muesli , so maybe it was just from hunger ? Hmmm , whatever , so long as it went away . As Dino had had a very slight lump on his back the evening before , I decided that he would have the day off and that Artax would take the luggage again while Dino got just Artax 's saddle with his small front pack bags and the lightweight rugs . The only snag about having Artax take the packsaddle is that I have to walk all day and not just half like I usually do . But it promised to be a relatively flat day , so no worries , I shouldn 't be a wimp . We set off at half past nine on lovely quiet back roads heading for Settle . In one of the first houses outside the town , a man was extremely happy to see us as he had seen us on the way up together with his granddaughter . He gave all the pets a treat and a donation for the charities and then called the local paper , but they did not seem to be so very interested in the story as they never called me . It was fascinating in to places where we came across roads we had already been alongon the way north . The first time it was just for a couple of hundred metres until we took another lane again . As soon as we were on the known road , Artax stopped , had a little look around and then continued with increased energy . The second time it was even clearer ; we were in the town of Settle and Artax repeated the stopping and looking at precisely the place where our new and old paths crossed . Then , apart from on a long stretch of hill , as we headed the same way to Airton as we had come over three weeks ago , Artax spent just about the whole time pulling me , wanting to go faster and to arrive at where he was sure would be our destination for the day . As it turned out , we stayed at the same place , but this time invited by the son , who had been on holiday when we passed before . We met him along the way just before the village and he offePosted by I woke up at my usual six o ' clock to a lovely day that promised to be very hot . The forecast had spoken of a heat wave with temperatures around thirty degrees . I packed up the tent , put all the boots on and got the big ones ready as Dazzy was still free , as usual . It was quite a cute sight when he decided to have a lie down in all his boots right next to the luggage , as if he were looking after it . Or he were the guard asleep on duty . We went through beautiful countryside to Kirkby Lonsdale where I was happy to find a little Spar shop to fill up on bread and apples . There was just one sign post near the shop - and actually in a very practical place so as not to let the horses disturb the passing traffic - so I tied the team to it while I went inside to get what we needed . When I came out , the ponies and Maggie were totally surrounded by people who all looked very interested and many of them took photos . I was of course pleased to tell them about what we were doing and they all gave some donations to the charities and the lady from the Spar even came out and gave me some apples and carrots for the ponies , which made them very happy . We rode on through the town and out the other side crossing the main A road in order to go on a quieter one . It actually was quite quiet , though with lots of bends and could have been potentially unsafe . A man in his car who usually rode a motorcycle stopped to warn me about it , telling me that bikes sped around the bends extremely fast and he hoped we would survive it . He actually passed us again from the other direction a few miles further on , just before the left the road , and was utterly amazed that we were still alive , he even said : " So you 've made it ; I didn 't think you would ! " Dear , one must think more positively ! After that we were on small lanes again and decided to come off our return route by a mile to stay at the auction grounds in High Bentham again , where we had stayed on the way north . It was a good place with good grass and a stream running along the edge , so haPosted by We set off at 9 . 30 after I had had breakfast and waited for a short shower to stop . It was a quite nice day ; warm when I walked , a little cool when I rode , but at least dry . The scenery was also very nice as we went into the Eden Valley with the Pennines on the left and the Lake District on the right , we had some lovely views and quiet roads with very few cars . Just before Penrith a lady came out to see us as we went by , so I asked whether there was a field and we could stay the night . The horses got the field , Maggie and I slept in the stable where they even brought us a heat lamp to keep cosy and the lady got some veggie burgers specially for me for dinner - thank you ! : o ) ) ) What a night ! The weather forecast for the night was very bad , so I fell for the idea of sleeping in the comfortable looking stable . It was clean , they kindly even put some new sawdust and a large sheet on the ground and I thought it looked extremely cosy with my mat and sleeping bag on top as well as a heat lamp to go with it that would keep us nice and warm . I spent a while writing the blog and did not think much of the few very little ( 1 - 2mm ) small creepy crawlies that walked across my computer screen while I was at it . Little later , I went to sleep feeling warm and comfortable . Then . . . a few hours later , I woke up feeling all itchy ! What was it ? Maybe the slight breeze making my hair move ? Hmmm , strange . . . but it itched so much . . . I hid inside the sleeping bag in case it was the breeze , but it wasn 't much better . . . I turned round to the other end of the bed . . . no better . . . so I lay there wide awake at two o ' clock in the morning and spent the rest of the night very restlessly . When I found it was still raining at six o ' clock when the alarm rang , I stayed in bed a little longer reading and having breakfast , and that was when I noticed all these little insects crawling all around . . . grrrr , yuck ! At least , knowing what it was , rubbing all my skin and head stopped the itching quickly . That was my lesson - I will never again sleep anywhere outside a house without being in my tent ! After waiting for the rain to be only a slight drizzle , we managed to set off at just before ten o ' clock in just the light rain gear . Then , despite the bad forecast , it stopped raining after a short time and we had a lovely day with the Lake District on our right and the Pennines on our left and some very nice views . Interestingly , we were in the sun all day while the clouds were being blown against the Pennines - how lucky that we were not on the still unfinished northern part of the Pennine Bridleway . At just after four o ' clock , we came down into the village of Crosby Ravenworth where a gentleman , who had just passed us further up the road , was waiting to speak to us . He told me it would be about seven miles to the next civilisation if we continued along our way as we would be out in the open fells . With a look up at the skies that threatened to make us very wet in the near future , we decided to stay somewhere in the village . The gentleman suggested to ask a farmer who we could see a little way up the road or , alternatively to ask at another farm and B & B that was in the village . We decided to ask there and he showed us where it was and went in to ask for us . They were extremely helpful ; the ponies got a lovely field with lots of lush grass - actually it was partly a football field , but the grass was so short in that part that the ponies probably would not have much reason to stay there . Actually the field was apparently always used when the travellers came through to go to Appleby , so mine were not the first horses there . I was even offered to sleep in the house , had a really long bath to get clean right through - what relaxation lying in the bath reading a book on my Kindle - and a tasty meal along with lots of nice conversation with the family . Thank you , it was lovely ! That was interesting waking up . . . it felt like no more than five minutes after going to sleep , but it was seven and a half hours , my Kindle was lying half under me and the bedside light was still on . I couldn 't even remember having read anything in the evening ; must have been unconscious within seconds . It must have been necessary after not sleeping well two nights in a row . After the breakfast I was invited in to - thank you ! - we set off at ten o ' clock in order to head further southwards . It was a lovely day - warm , sunny , just a few clouds that did not look very menacing at all . I could hang my washing to Dino 's saddle without a problem and it dried in no time . We went up the hill through / across the fell from Crosby and then down into a valley by a good ( despite the number of gates ) bridleway - wow ! Then we met our old friend the M6 motorway again , crossed it , lost it out of sight for a little while , went next to it , under it and then on a lovely little road in the hills beside it again , but far enough away so that we could hardly hear it . Well , I had switched the MP3 player on when we first started going along it , so kept the noise out a bit anyway . At just after five o ' clock , we found a farm where the ponies could have a lovely field to share with 15 lambs , the friendly neighbour came over to meet us and I got a shower and some dinner - with strawberries : o ) ) ) for pudding ! Rest . Emma , the owner of the place we were at , had said we could stay as long as we wanted , so I took her up on it as the forecast was not at all good - though it turned out to be a really nice morning and half the afternoon was also sunny . The ponies had the morning out and came in in the afternoon when it first started to rain . I got a shower and Emma was so kind as to wash my clothes . Thank you ! We set off again in the morning with me in freshly washed clothes that were still warm from the tumble dryer - nice ! It was a nice day , the weather held out well and we got to Annan in the evening having done the most miles in a day until then - 29 of them . I had started to look out for stables several miles earlier , but either found nothing where I wanted to ask or , at one place , there was nobody in . Then , as we continued along the road , a car pulled in and a lady in horse gear asked what we were doing , so I asked her whether she knew of a place to stay and was referred to a friend of hers in Annan . He was even so helpful as to drive out towards us and escorted us all the way through the town by car so that we would find the place . In the meantime , the girl we had first met , offered me to come to her house and sleep in a real bed , which I - and Maggie - gladly accepted . Day 48 , 22nd June Having stayed at a different place , we were a little later in the morning , but it did not really matter . While I was getting the ponies ready , the owner of the place I stayed at asked whether he should phone the local newspaper and they sent a reporter out to interview me just before we set off . It was just a few questions and some photos , so I am interested to see the paper when it comes out . We headed for north of Carlisle and went through Gretna again . The morning started off a lot better than expected with beautiful sunshine and hardly a cloud in the sky . Then it rained while I had got the horses ready , but cleared up again and stayed nice for a couple of hours , only to then pour down just before we got to Gretna . I had not even believed it would be that much and only put on my raincape instead of using the full compliment of trousers , jacket and cape and the raincoat on Maggie as well . And it just got worse and worse . Finally , in the town , I found a tree that promised to at least keep a tiny bit of the rain off so I put on all the other rain clothes without ever removing the cape - not easy , but possible . Just as we were then going to turn off and go to the same place as on the way to Scotland on the other side of the motorway - and wait under the bridge first for the rain to stop - we were stopped by a lady who had a stable nearby . She told us how to get there and we were only too happy arrive and find the horses got a field , stables if they wanted , a feed in the morning , a place to dry the stuff and a meal , a shower and the cravan to sleep in at night - it was lovely . I could even have used the sauna , but that just seemed like too much luxury . : o ) Day 49 , 23rd June With the rain still falling on the caravan after my normal get up time , I stayed lying in bed snoozing for a while longer and contemplated whether to take my host up on her offer of another day . But finally the sun came out and I decided that if I were going to be such a wimp every time it rained , we would never get home again . We left at about 11 and went back to our route , which was to take us across the motorway , along a little bit of Hadrian 's Wall - like Offa 's Dyke , where is it ? ? - round Carlisle airport , where my brother works in the tower and he could watch us going 2 / 3 of the way round the airport . It was not easy to find a place to stay in the evening and a couple of times the problem seems to have been the Royal Highland Show . I asked at one stable , but the lady was only equipped for Shetland ponies and had 6 stallions in the fields . She sent me to another stable , but there was nobody in and nobody at the farm we passed afterwards either . I asked another lady , but she had her stables full of sheep and the fields were under water . Then I asked some other people , but their horses were also in the stables and the fields resembled ponds . . . but they called another lady , who had her fields higher up and we could spend the night at her place with the ponies on the field and Maggie and myself sleeping in the dry . If anybody has been wondering why we tend to spend all our time on little roads instead of bridleways , things like we see in this first picture are the reason why . Don 't get me wrong , I used to ride on muddy woodland paths a lot and loved them - that was until the planners started moaning and saying that we horsie people were destroying the paths and started closing them for us . So maybe I am just out of it after not being able to use them for years , but wouldn 't you expect something better on seeing an official sign saying " Public bridleway " ? In my experience " Bridleway " is often just another word for " drown in the mud " , " blocked off " , " overgrown " or " just plain annoying with so many gates that it 's hardly worth riding along it " , so I tend to avoid them . And this is what the horses and Maggie looked like after the experience - pretty , aren 't they ? Pity I don 't have a pic of myself - I walked until that muddy bit , then a couple of feet before the worst bit , I noticed that one of Dazzy 's back boots was off and hanging round his leg by the gaiter and the other one had completely disappeared ! Damn ! ! ! In their defence , Dazzy has such small hooves that the back boots are at least a size too big , but unfortunately they are the smallest that Easyboots make . So there was me trapsing around in deep deep mud retrieving the lost boot , which was deep in the mud / water with just the tip of the gaiter not sunk . Thank goodness , or I would never have found it ! And then , to top it , Dazzy gave me a little nudge and I tripped off the middle of the path and landed in the deep water with one foot - deeper than the top of my hiking boot - yuck ! Did I mention I had some washing on the top of Dino 's saddle to dry off ? That was almost ready for another wash after the " bridleway " . Not to forget my jeans that had so kindly been washed for me just a couple of days before . Great ! Anyway , it was so ridiculous that I at least couldn 't stop laughing between the words I won 't repeat here . So that 's why we prefer to stay on little roads even if thPosted by A boring day ; I slept an hour longer than usual and took it very easy in the morning with packing up because we were going to a place where I knew somebody , it was only just over 30km and she was not going to be in till at least six o ' clock . The farmer came round quickly in the morning to see that we were all okay and showed me how to get clean tap water out of the pipe for the cattle . It was easier than using the filter bottle and quicker to drink , though I did find through the see - through bottle later in the day that there seemed to be algae in the water - whatever , my stomach is getting tougher by the day . We had to continue parallel to the motorway for a few miles and then went through Gretna before heading out into the countryside . Everything was flat , we would have had a nice , though slightly hazy view of the Lake District , but it was not worth a photo as there was always a power line in the way . We even had a beautiful scenic view of a half dismantled nuclear power station that we went round . The ground did not seem to glow , but then it was mid afternoon as we went by , so who knows what happens at night . Despite taking our time , we arrived at just after five , but were luckily not the first . The horses got a little grassy paddock while Maggie and I got a mobile home with a cosy bed for the night and I enjoyed the few hours of sleep that were left after lots of chatting and a good meal . I got a lot of information on routes in Scotland - and came away quite demotivated about the whole trip . Basically , in the northern part , it boils down to A roads or offroad tracks that may be only designed for hikers and impassable for horses due to width , rocks , styles or locked gates and other places that may be fine to go along for many many miles until you get to a locked gate , which you have to arrange to have opened in advace , and then , in other places tracks are unsuitable for horses as they are dangerously boggy - and possibly more so as Scotland had had the wettest May for many years . Day 41 , 15th June And another boring day . After a short night , I allowed myself to sleep in till 6 . 30 , quickly put the new routes I had planned out the night before onto the GPS and got ready . It was raining , but at least the forecast for the next two days looked quite promising - though terrible for the ones that followed . We left at just after nine and went through mostly flat countryside along little roads between fields , saw a couple of small villages , went through Dumfries , which was fun like most towns and round a farm where the ponies could stay on a lovely large field for the night while I put the tent in a perfect spot quite high up and could overlook everything from there . People , though said to be the most friendly in Scotland , were somewhat more reserved , it seemed . I had cards with information about what we were doing printed before leaving and had handed out five to ten every day to people we had met along the way during the first part of the trip . But in the first few days of Scotland , I needed close to none . Nobody stopped to chat like they had done in Wales and England , some people at least waved out of their cars , but lots looked unfriendly as if we did not belong on their road . It was strange . People we spoke to for any reason were very friendly , but they were not as open as the rest . Getting better boredomwise . There were some hills , less power cables , very few villages , lots of friendly people . Something had suddenly changed after passing Dumfries . We left the friendly farmers ' field at about half past nine , I filled my water bottles at the yard and set off after a nice chat . He was about to wash and prepare one of his Highland Cattle for the Highland Show , which was soon to commence , so had a busy morning . Along the way , a man stopped us , who had a bag of carrots for the ponies and gave me another hand full of doggie treats for Maggie - yum ! On entering Castle Douglas , I was delighted to find a Tesco , though not at the best time as we had done all our shopping just a few days before , but it was lovely to be able to get the essentials there , too . I found a tree in a very practical place outside where the team could wait and graze a bit while I went inside . People were very friendly and a few of them came over to give me a donation before they finished their shopping . Unlike in many other parts , especially in Wales , the farms we passed were often enormous and few and far between . The farmers were getting in silage and , despite having passed 30km , I just could not really see anywhere directly along our road where I felt like asking whether we could stay . Finally we arrived in Twynholm , where David Coulthard 's father lives and he has a museum with all his cars , and really needed to stop . It was getting late and we had done 42km , so definitely plenty for the day . We went past a field at the start off the village , but it was not clear who it would belong to , then there was a smallholding with lots of sheep , so I was a little apprehensive about asking because the grass was not very long . What decided it was then the fact of the cattle grid across what seemed to be the only entrance , wo we went on down the lane to the next big farm , where we were told they had lots of cattle movements and were about to make silage , so there was unfortunately nothing free . He did , however call his neighbour further down the lane , but he didn 't have anything either . The only field he had was currently occupied by donkeys . He sent us up to the village again where there was apparently somebody with lots of smaller bits of land . I never found just who he meant , but a neighbour came out and told us to ask at the sheep place as they also had the field on the other side of their house - one with long grass and only two rams . I had to tie the ponies to a sign post along the road while I went up the drive to ask as the cattle grid was of course in the way and unfortunately got a " At the end of the day , I still planned to leave in the morning , but the weather forecast looked horrible and we were all doubtful , so nobody looked very surprised when I went round to the house at 9ish and was then invited to share breakfast and the rest of the day with them . Oh , and a SHOWER ( ! ! ! ) , which had by then become quite urgent , and allowed me to wash the most important clothes at the same time , so I came away not at all smelly any more . . . niiiiice ! My stomach played up all the time , but we did manage to leave the next morning , on day 45 of the trip with the weather looking better than the forecast had said and my stomach somewhat better . Day 45 , 19th June With a horrible weather forecast for many days to come , I could not muster the motivation to do the tiny extra loop round the Galloway Forrest Park , that I had decided to do before heading home . Scenery is invariably not so special in the rain and cold and accommodation might be more difficult to find there , so we did a 180 degree turn and went straight back the way we had come the day before . The ponies were motivated and walked faster than often , though not to their " at home " standards when they know we are heading for home , so I spent all day wondering whether they had really tagged on or whether it was just that they were well rested after two days off . They clearly knew the route backwards , but it did not become evident that it was totally clear to them until we turned off to go to our overnight accommodation and Artax immediately reduced his speed to half of what it had been before . We were stopped by the police in Castle Douglas ! We had just been followed and overtaken by one police car and then , two minutes later , another overtook . I wondered what on earth they could be up to on a quiet Sunday afternoon and then began to have all sorts off thoughts along the lines of " Oh no , what do they want ? / I 'm not doing anything wrong . / They are not going to find a fault in 4 animals with one person and none with a bit , are they ? / . . . " when it became evident that they were more on a social visit . Their car wasn 't parked as they would probably on a " normal " visit , they didn 't get out together and looked just too friendly . The lady , as it turned out , lived a few miles along the road we were going to take and she had a field of her own and a friend with lots more where we would be able to spend the night . It was a perfect place for us and only about half a mile off the route , so we were very happy to take up the offer . The ponies got a field for as long as they wanted and spent the night in a dry barn where I also put the tent to let things really dry off . Even if it was going to rain in the morning , it would bPosted by It started quite early and also finished quite early despite leaving a little late - not until 11 - with the ponies . I got up at 6 . 30 at my brother 's house to have a shower and set off clean after our three days ' break . There was more packing to do than expected , which took a while , but luckily I had done the repair jobs the day before . Dazzy , who has a habit of not lifting his hind hooves up properly had worn off a lot of the clip to tighten them and they had to be replaced . I got out of putting all new wires on and instead just clipped off the existing ones and made them a little shorter , which would be better for Dazzy 's small hooves anyway . We got to the stable at 9 . 30 and I had the ponies ready and packed at eleven when we said our goodbyes and thank yous and went on our way . We started off on quite main roads , first through Dalston , then on to Carlisle and through the centre as there is really only one way to get across the river and that is through the centre . Amazingly , when we stopped off just quickly on the lawn at the castle to take some photos , a lady , who worked there , came out asking whether we had permission from the MOD to be there . It was hard to believe , I waid I was just going and that was alright , but why on earth would we need permission from the MOD to stand on a public lawn by a monument ? Gosh , they must be worried about security . Having cleared the centre , and the MOD , we went out onto smaller roads again , though found ourselves on a lorry highway that went past the rubbish dump and a big wood yard and it was far from quiet for a couple of miles at least . Afterwards , we went along quiet roads and then along a small road that ran parallel to the M6 northwards , where we met a farmer after just a short way who offered us the use of his field for the night without even being asked . It was a bit early and we had only done 23km , but we decided to stop anyway and start off early in the morning . We all shared the field with some cows and calves and all looked happy as also the weather got bettPosted by It was going to be a long day so I set the alarm for 5 . 30 in order to set off in good time in the morning . . . and it was raining . . . a lot . In the end , I got out of the tent at just before seven and packed up as quickly as possible while it still rained a little bit off and on , but generally looked as if it might be a more cheerful day . We made it off at nine o ' clock , went back into the outskirts of Keswick and headed over to the A66 leading north and stayed parallel to it on the small roads most of the day . In a way it was sad to leave the Lake District so suddenly . The scenery was wonderful and the weather was even nice . The Cumbria Way did continue further north as a bridleway and looked less extreme , but I could not bring myself to try it with the ponies and was somewhat looking forward to getting to my brother 's house near Carlisle and having the three days off that we had planned . During a short time that we were going along the path next to the A66 , a lady pulled up in her car and got out to give each pony a carrot and me some money for the charities - so nice of her and the ponies were very glad for the change in taste . My brother and his wife caught up with us by following our route backwards at just before four o ' clock and they also brought us all some treats ; doggie treats , carrots for the horses and some very tasty oat cakes for me . Oh , the joy of eating something sweet . . . and to be able to do it knowing it would all be walked off again ! : o ) I got to stand on the scales the next morning and found I had lost a kilo per week on the way , so I suppose I have found the ideal diet . Forget all these complicated food changes and leaving out things you like , just go walkies all day long and it will happen automatically . We could get rid of the luggage for the last six miles , which was a treat , especially for Dino , and did some trot whenever possible . After five weeks of nothing but a calm walk , they really seemed to enjoy it and found it refreshing . The ponies immediately felt at home in their new place and suPosted by Wet , wet , wet ! It had been such a lovely afternoon and evening with not such a bad forecast as far as I remembered that I left the ponies without their rugs on for the night - not the nicest thing to do . It was warm and there was no wind , but it did start to rain in the early hours of the morning and was not just a little bit . I woke up just before the alarm rang at six o ' clock to the sound of the rain and it became more rather than less , so I lay in bed reading a little more Jane Austen till it stopped at just after six and I jumped up all in a hurry to get ready before it might start again . There were some National Trust toilets just round the corner , so they made for some almost civilised physical care in the morning , even with a mirror to plait my hair , which I normally just did by feeling . It was quite strange to see myself in a mirror again , something that did not happen particularly often . I had two colours in my face , extremely brown lower down where I spent all day exposed to the light and white where my cap always covered the skin . I should have gone without the cap every now and then , but that would only have been possible maybe on the day I washed my hair , but not otherwise . Also , the only hair style I could do on the way was a one sided plait as it was the easiest thing to do and kept it all under control ; otherwise I would have ended up tearing out half the hair every day from brushing out the knots . I had been invited in to have breakfast at the pub at 9 o ' clock when they opened , but already had the ponies so far ready that their baggage could go on before half past eight , so I opted to miss breakfast in favour of an early start . It did not seem sensible to have the poor animals waiting around for half an hour till I got my breakfast and then leaving surely a whole hour later than we did . The day started off with a little shock , first the rain started again with seemingly no intention of it being a short shower , then we went onto the bridleway straight behind the pub and almost immediately encountered rocks that had to be climbed . The ponies had no great problem with that , but Artax showed his dislike and had to be persuaded that we really meant to cross them . Afterwards it continued better , but I ended up walking very soon in order to open the gates more easily . We saw that some other people had wild camped in the same spot that we would have chosen had we not ended up on the field by the pub - it was a beautiful location with a crystal - clear stream running through the middle of the valley , very cute Lake District sheep all round and just about sufficient grass for horses to feel satisfied with . As we almost got to the end of the valley , a young man who worked for the National Trust caught us up and told us a bit about the path - very steep and , though technically intended for horses , none ever went along it and it was not really especially fit for them . We soon saw why ; We had to climb to the top of the mountain by the almost direct way , which was covered in rocks and stones that had been laid down obviously to make it easier for hikers . In addition , all the earth around was extremely wet and slippery from all the rain . Dazzy was of course off the lead and Dino was on the longest lead I could give him . Besides Artax 's clear trouble negotiating he mountain with his long and not especially sure legs , we had another problem - shoes . Dazzy wears the smallest size Easyboots make - one too big for him , sPosted by A wonderful day again . Despite the bad weather forecast , it was dry all night and I woke up to a cloudy , but not hopeless day . After just 5 hours ' sleep the night before and less than seven that night - thanks Jane Austen and your good books - it was a little difficult to get up and I set the alarm clock to snooze three times before surfacing . Just as I had almost all on the ponies , it started to rain , so we ended up leaving with me in full rain gear and Maggie also in her coat . We still had about five miles to do along a windy road with a fair amount of traffic , coaches and lorries included , even though the road was barely wide enough in places , but they managed . At the beginning of Hawkshead , we went past the primary school where I think the daughter of my last hosts went . I had said I might go past her school before she left in the morning , and so it was . All the children came rushing to the window to watch us go past . I hope she had a lot to talk about all day . I had hoped to find a little shop in Hawkshead where I would be able to get some bread , but it got even better . We took the main little road through the centre of the village with all the shops and I was very pleased to find an outdoor shop as I had cleverly managed to break my water bladder the evening before by dropping it . It probably shouldn 't have broken , but it sprang a leak in two places from the impact . I ended up getting an expensive bottle from Zigg , real Swiss made , apparently , and hoped it would last for all eternity at that price and I also took the opportunity to get a waterproof bag liner for the gadgets bag that I had been somewhat worried about if it were to rain heavily . My little team also made it to Asia as a tourist from there took some photos of us as we went through the town . I could just imagine how she would go home and tell her family and friends all about how they still travel by horse as a common rule in Britain . We got into some beautiful parts of the Lake District staying almost all the time on tiny roads and some bridPosted by After a late night , I allowed myself to sleep half an hour longer in the morning and then got up to have breakfast - homemade bread rolls toasted - and get packed up to go . Despite the lie in and socialising in the morning , we still managed to get away before ten o ' clock , quite amazing ! The day continued very well , we were on well - planned all small roads with hardly any traffic and entered the Lake District via Newby Bridge mid afternoon . There had already been some lovely views beforehand , but it was nice to actually be " inside " . At just after five and a few miles from Hawkshead , we passed a farm and asked whether we could stay . They quickly said yes and got their pony in so that mine could use his field for the night . They told me he should have had his hooves trimmed that morning , but the blacksmith had not turned up , so I was really pleased to be able to make myself and my tools useful by doing his hooves myself . Dan , the pony , looked a lot better afterwards and I suppose it was just bad luck to the unreliable blacksmith for not coming when he said he would . We spent the night in the most beautiful field with a little stream running along the edge of it and some little slopes for the boys to graze on . Due to the late hour and the need for sleep , it is going to be a rather short entry again with more pictures than stories . I hope you like it anyway - or more ? : o ) Maybe this is due to my bad research before setting off , but we came to the northern end of the Mary Townely Loop on the Pennine Bridleway , at which time it should have continued upwards , but it for some reason did not . There was a Bridleway with a different name and a couple of miles later I did see one sign with the acorn that had marked the Pennine Bridleway in the past , but it was not even clear which direction it was in . We followed the route for a while , but I became totally fed up with it when it eventually turned off right - away from where we should have been heading - and the map also did not show its continuation for long and especially not clearly . Thus I ended up tying the ponies to the gate for a while as I got out the computer in order to plan the further route on small roads again . That started off fine , but a moment later , I got a message saying I had buy more credit for the dongle . No problem ; I got out the credit card and clicked on " buy more credit " . Finally managed to give all the details and then the website supposedly connected to the bank . . . and connected . . . and connected . . . to no avail . . . 15 minutes later it was still trying to connect , so I looked for the telephone number in order to call the company . It was an 0800 , but I would have to pay as I was calling from a mobile . The apparently friendly man on the phone said he would call me back , but never did . Somewhat frustrated , we went on with me doing real traditional map reading ont he GPS - who would have thought it possible ? ! We went through Haworth village , where the Brontes are from , did a little shopping in the next village and a little higher up the hill I decided I might get a slightly better connection to make that credit purchase and do my calculations . It worked and I had the route planned out and on the GPS in no more than 15 minutes , so we could set off again . . . aftAnd another nice place to be . We shared the field with ten sheep and their lambs : I , and of course my boys and girl - I mean ponies and dog - who will help fill this blog , possibly have a couple of little stories to tell . In 2007 , we trekked from Germany to Spain , which took us two months and was a great experience . Now we are getting out all our gear , replacing a few parts of it and setting off on a trip from South Wales up around Scotland and then back again . We expect to be gone for a few months this summer and do a minimum of 2000 miles . We 'll be walking for charity and hope that lots of people dig very deep to help the people and animals those charities take care of . Any suggestions regarding routes , places to stay , places to avoid and what not to miss would be more than welcome ! Thanks in advance and happy reading ! xx |
" Johnny ! Telephone ! " Marco Lopez called out into the apparatus bay of Station 51 . Paramedic John Gage rolled out from under the squad on a wheeled cart and remaining on his back , questioned , " Who is it ? " Gage was off the board , on his feet and trotting toward the dayroom in a matter of seconds . Also working on the squad , his partner Roy DeSoto shook his head at the younger man 's enthusiasm to answer a call just because it was from a female . He doesn 't even know who it is yet . . . " Hello ? . . . hello ? " Johnny held the phone receiver away from his ear and eyed Marco , who was preparing lunch at the counter near the sink . " Where 'd she go ? " Johnny put the receiver back to his ear . With the sound of a dial tone now on the line , he returned it to its cradle . " She hung up . " " It wasn 't me , " Chet adamantly denied . Johnny gave him a doubtful look , which prompted another response . " It wasn 't , I swear . Besides , aren 't you jumping the gun a little ? I mean , if she 's only called once . . . " He shrugged . " She might call back again . I mean , maybe she got interrupted or had to go somewhere . " " You know , it isn 't often you 're right , Chester B . " " Well , I hafta admit , it makes sense . And , yeah , I am jumping the gun , I guess . " Gage grinned as he turned to leave . " Thanks . I 'll just wait for her to call back . " The two firemen watched as he headed toward the squad inside . " So did you set him up ? " Mike wondered . Chet gave a mock hurt look at the engineer . " Man , a guy plays a few jokes on a co - worker . . . " " Yeah , maybe . " The dark - haired paramedic lay on the rolling cart and slid underneath the red Dodge truck again . He picked up a wrench and paused as he thought more about the phone call . Soft spoken and sweet . I hope she calls back soon . . . After lunch and returning from a rescue , Johnny was once again summoned to the phone for a call from a girl . Only just as before , the phone was silent on the other end when he picked up the receiver . " Did she sound soft spoken , Mike ? " Johnny replaced the receiver in its cradle and sighed . " I guess you 're right . But I 'd still like to know who this chick is . Just to know , you know ? " The two paramedics rushed to the squad and climbed in as Captain Hank Stanley acknowledged the call . He handed Roy the small slip of paper with the information on it . Roy in turn passed it on to Johnny before driving out of the station , lights and siren in use . When they pulled up to the address , nothing seemed out of the ordinary . It was a typical neighborhood with kids playing in various yards , a few squeals sounding from little girls as they were chased by a young boy . No one was even outside to show them the way to the victim . But the paramedics had been on enough calls to know that appearances could often be deceiving . That someone could be in serious trouble inside the home , and no one on the outside aware of it . They scrambled from their squad and hurried to the compartments on the passenger side to get the basic equipment they might need . The men then trotted up the sidewalk to the front door and knocked . Hank Stanley was walking out of the dayroom when the telephone rang . He took a step back and lifted the receiver . " Station 51 , Captain Stanley speaking . " A childlike voice questioned , " Is John Gage there ? " He opened his mouth to respond , but stopped when he heard an indecipherable conversation in the background and the line clicked , a dial tone replacing the voices . Hank looked at the receiver in his hand in puzzlement a moment , then with a shrug , hung it up . " Guess she changed her mind . " " Is there anyone else in the house who might 've ? " Johnny asked . " No , just my daughter and her . . . " With a sudden realization , she responded , " Oh dear . " " Where is your daughter ? " Roy asked . " She 's upstairs in her room , but she doesn 't have a phone in there . I s ' pose she could have used the one in our bedroom . . . " She took a step back and hollered , " Sarah ! Sarah , come down here now ! " She then looked at the paramedics again . " I 'm so sorry if she did this . " " It 's okay , " Roy assured . " But if that 's the case , she 'll need to be told that we can 't afford to be sent out on false responses . Someone could really need us right now . " " Uh . . . " The seven - year - old girl had stopped in view of the men and nervously glanced at them , before returning her gaze to her mom , her shoulder - length hair falling forward slightly . " I . . . I didn 't mean to . . . " " I 'm sorry , Mommy . It . . . uh . . . " she glanced over her shoulder , then once again looked forward . " It was a dare . I had to . " Her mom 's eyes grew wide . " A dare ? Okay , Sarah Lynn Peabody , who put you up to it ? Was it that Cathy girl ? " She brought her attention to Johnny and Roy . " That kid is nothing but trouble . Always dragging the other little girls into something . " Then to Sarah , she stated , " That 's it . I don 't want you to play with her anymore . " Sarah looked downcast as she then listened to Roy explain why the phone call was such a bad idea . When he was finished , she glanced curiously at Johnny before turning to leave . " It 's not my fault , " she mumbled to herself as she went up the stairs . " I 'm not the one who wanted to play the game . " When Roy just gave him a quick glance , he elaborated . " Well , used to be kids would pull the fire alarm at school on a dare . Now they 're calling us on one . Seems like it 's always the fire department . " " That 's because they 're afraid to make a false report with the police . I 'm sure they 're worried about what 'll happen when they get caught . But most seem to know we tend to just give lectures . " " I guess so . Well , like you said , maybe she won 't do it again . If we 're lucky she 'll spread the word . " Roy shook his head . " Don 't bet on it . Besides with Halloween coming up , I 'd expect a prank call or two on that night . " Johnny nodded . " Right again . " After a brief pause he added , " I just hope I didn 't miss any important phone calls while we were out . " Sarah sat on her bedroom floor , her face in a pout . The door was closed to prevent her mother from surprising her with an unexpected visit . " Some best friend . You got me in trouble . " She tensed slightly when she heard the sound of footsteps behind her on the wooden floor . She didn 't look over her shoulder , but rather waited for some kind of retaliation from the accused . When none came after a brief time , she slowly turned too see why there was complete silence . The unreadable expression on her playmate 's face left her uneasy . She nervously swallowed and in a shaky voice , hoped to erase her outburst . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean it . Please forgive me . I 'm really sorry . " " Hey , hey , hey , " Johnny said as he walked into the dayroom . " Any calls ? " he asked . Marco , Mike and Chet shook their heads . " But we 've been busy , " Chet added . " Doin ' what ? " " Or handling pranks , " Roy corrected . His partner frowned at his admission , but before the others could comment on either statement , the captain came into the room and interrupted the conversation . " Hey , John , you had a phone call while you were out . " The captain nodded . " A young one at that . But I couldn 't take a message ; couldn 't even tell her you weren 't here before she hung up . " The dark - haired paramedic screwed up his face . " Oh , c ' mon , Chet . I 'm not datin ' ten - year - olds . It 's probably a candy striper from Rampart that sounds younger than she is , though she would be young if she 's a candy striper . You know how some chicks have that baby voice thing goin ' . " " You better hope it 's that . Or some kid 's mom may be coming to see you soon , " Mike stated . Johnny had brushed past Chet and set the milk on the counter . He turned to face the engineer . " I can 't believe you guys . " " Some little girl probably has a crush on you and looked up the number to the station , " Marco offered . Johnny and Roy exchanged a glance when they both had the same thought . " But I never saw her before , " the younger man responded without his partner having said a word . " Do you guys know who it might be ? " Hank prodded . The two then explained the call they 'd just been on , adding that they had most likely gotten the problem straightened out . Late in the evening , the paramedics were returning from a house fire they 'd responded on with Engine 51 . There was one victim that they had to treat for slight smoke inhalation and take to Rampart as a precaution . But the engine crew was still at the scene to make sure hot spots didn 't flare up , thus Johnny and Roy would arrive back at the station first . Just as Roy turned onto East 223rd Street , where Station 51 was located , dispatch came over the radio . " Squad 51 , unknown type rescue , 2123 West Patterson Place , two one two three West Patterson Place , cross street Madison , time out 19 : 38 . " He returned the mic to its spot as Roy flicked on the lights and siren . " Well , I guess that speech you gave didn 't do any good after all . " " Looks that way , doesn 't it ? " Finally the caller gave up . She 'd gotten the information she was after . John Gage wasn 't readily available . And there was a good chance he was on his way to her location . Neighbors watched curiously from their porches and lawns when the red emergency lights flashed in the dark , the siren drawing their attention as well . Johnny quickly glanced around at their audience as he climbed out of the squad , then hurried to open the side compartments . With their dark blue jackets on to ward off the evening chill , he and Roy got out the equipment they once again anticipated using if the call was for a real emergency . The two men trotted up to the Peabody home and knocked on the front door . " Apparently , " Roy stated . " Oh , I 'm so sorry she got you all the way out here for nothing . I 'll have her father talk to her again just as soon as he gets back . Daniel went to help out a friend of his . Robert 's car broke down on the 405 of all places . " " As long as we 're here anyway , do you mind if we see Sarah again ? " When the mother started to protest , Johnny put up his free hand to quiet her . " Just on the slight chance , " he said with a very small gap between his left thumb and index finger , " something is wrong and none of us are aware of it . She may have been wary of telling you . " " I don 't know if it 's such a good idea . It may only encourage her to do this again . But if you insist . " She stepped inside and motioned for them to join her in the livingroom . The mother then called for her daughter . " Sarah ! " He quickly turned his head to look at the empty space . Johnny stared a moment , wondering if there was another child in the family that could be making the calls . When he came out of his thoughts , the others were already in the thick of the conversation . " No , Mommy , I didn 't do it this time ! I swear ! " " Oh , come on . You 've got to do better than that , young lady . Maybe you 'll have time to think on it while you 're grounded after school tomorrow . " " I 've heard enough , " her mom firmly stated . " Now go in the kitchen and sit at the table . You can wait there until your father gets home . " " Sarah , you 're really testing my patience here , " her mother firmly stated . " Maybe your other kid called this time , " Johnny offered . He noticed the puzzled expression on his partner 's face and shrugged , but missed the angry glare Sarah threw his way . The mother shook her head . " We don 't have another child . " She then addressed Sarah again . " Now , go sit at the table . I 'll be in there shortly . " The little girl stomped past the paramedics , her pouty gaze on the floor . Gage watched Sarah slow as she approached the kitchen . She glanced over her shoulder at the adults as she nervously bit her lower lip . Johnny thought for sure she was about to call a truce with her mom . But the child looked forward again and disappeared around the corner inside the doorway . " You mentioned a girl 's name last time , " Roy commented . " A Cathy ? " Mrs . Peabody nodded , confirming the name . " Cathy Hinson . They live down the street . " " I 'd almost bet on it . She 's certainly capable of such a thing . " She sighed . " I 've been upstairs in the spare bedroom sewing on a dress I 'm making , so I 've been right across the hall from Sarah 's room . And she 's been in there since dinner . I heard her talking like she was playing with her dolls . You know . . . Barbies . . . So it was sure a surprise to see you here again . But if she did the first call on a dare and now someone else did it , Cathy would be the first likely culprit . I 'll have to call her mother and see if she can get any answers since Sarah obviously isn 't going to fess up . " With that settled , there was nothing more to add . Johnny and Roy once again headed for the squad with hopes the pranksters were done with the calls . " What made you think they had another kid ? " Roy questioned his partner as they stepped off the front porch . Johnny shrugged . " I thought I saw someone else near the kitchen . Guess I was seein ' things , " he explained with a grin . " Must 've been . I didn 't see anyone else . " They returned the equipment to the compartments in the squad and climbed into the cab of the truck . Roy pulled away from the curb with only a couple of neighbors remaining outside in hopes of figuring out why the paramedics were there . Johnny and Roy hadn 't noticed they were also being watched from a window downstairs at the Peabody house . " I didn 't see any prior calls for that street listed anywhere , " Johnny said as he closed the logbook . With the engine crew still out , he and Roy decided to go to the captain 's office where the book for recording responses for the squad was kept . " None for anyone named Hinson either . " He sat back in the wooden office chair and sighed . " I don 't think this Cathy kid is anyone we 've run into before . " through dispatch . Not directly to the station . So we 're getting them randomly . It 's a good chance we aren 't the only ones . " With the incessant sound of a dripping faucet getting on her nerves , Luanne pushed back her chair and got to her feet . " Oh , good grief . I wish your father would just fix this thing so it wouldn 't tend to drip so easily . " Sarah tensed as her mother stepped over to the sink . She glanced nervously at her mom 's back , then down at the cupboard door again . The little girl wished she could will her mom back over to the table . Luanne pushed hard on the faucet knobs and stood back with her hands on her hips when the water stopped dripping . She turned and faced her relieved daughter . " There . That 's better . Now , where were we ? " " So , anymore calls from your little girlfriend ? " Chet wondered . He and the rest of the engine crew had just returned from the house fire and gone into the dayroom where Johnny and Roy were playing a game of chess . Gage looked at his opponent . " Did you hear somethin ' ? " " Chet , in Johnny 's defense , Cap did say she sounded ten , " Marco reminded . " Did she call again ? " Captain Stanley asked as he entered , catching the tail end of the conversation . " Who 'd it turn out to be ? " Johnny put off taking his turn in the game and sighed . Who ever was calling for him was sure causing him enough trouble by not getting a hold of him . " No one called . We 're just discussin ' the one you answered earlier . " Roy looked over to him while Johnny studied the chess board for his next move . " Actually , there was one . To the same address as before . But we don 't know for sure who called it in . The little girl who did it the first time denied it and her mother pretty much could back her up . So we 're back at square one on that . All we can do for now is hope it doesn 't happen again . " He looked down to see Johnny move a knight , then quickly made his move , which was a checkmate . The younger man 's mouth dropped open at the trap he 'd gotten himself in , causing him to lose the game . What he didn 't know was that it wasn 't the only game he was in . It was a few minutes after 10 : 00 pm and the Peabody household was in darkness , the family having turned in for the night . Unable to sleep , Sarah lay in bed and stared at a stream of moonlight that shone across her room and onto the door . Her hands trembled slightly and she could feel her heartbeat grow faster as she waited for the arrival of her playmate . The little girl 's voice was a whisper as she chanted to herself , " There 's nothin ' ta be afraid of , there 's nothin ' ta be afraid of . . . " The crew of A - shift turned in early in hopes of getting some sound sleep . Although not at the scene of the house fire as long as the engine crew , the exertion from the rescue caught up with the paramedics . Both they and the others were nearly exhausted . Mike just rubbed at his eyes and lay down , hoping to get back to sleep soon . Captain Stanley handed the receiver to Johnny . " Make it short . " All he heard was the eerie hushed giggle of a child . It was followed by a click and dial tone . Johnny stared at the item still in his hand , a bewildered expression on his face . " Lemme guess , " the captain said wryly . " She hung up . " Johnny turned his head to see Hank Stanley watching from his bed beside the desk . The paramedic nodded as he returned the receiver to its cradle . " It 's gotta be a kid . But I have no idea who it could be . " The captain shrugged . " I guess next time she calls , who ever answers bs 's the kid a little . We can give her a good enough scare so she won 't do it anymore . " " Sure , Chet , " Johnny responded . " Wouldn 't wanna rob ya of your beauty sleep . " He turned and headed for his bed while the captain glanced at the telephone again before lying down and turning onto his side with his back toward the desk . After returning to his bed , Gage pulled the covers up and stared at the ceiling . " You may as well not lose sleep over it , " Roy commented . " You aren 't gonna get it solved tonight anyway . " His partner glanced over at him . " Yeah , I know . But it 's gonna drive me nuts . I mean , why would a little girl wanna call me ? " " Hey , cut the chatter . We 're tryin ' to sleep over here ! " came Chet 's voice . Johnny frowned , while Roy replied to him with a grin , " It 's that charm you 're always claiming to have . Guess it 's not limited to the older girls . " The door to Sarah 's bedroom slowly opened , the moonlight pattern shifting with the motion . The little girl 's heart raced faster and she quickly pulled the covers up over her head . Even though she 'd been waiting for the arrival , it still scared the daylights out of her . The station didn 't get a run the remainder of the night . But it hadn 't helped Johnny get solid sleep . He 'd been too curious about his caller and so sure that they 'd be sent out to the Peabody home , he suffered a restless night filled with interrupted sleep . It reminded the paramedic of the time a few years prior when he had insomnia waiting for them to be dispatched out on an overnight run when none came . Now the only one awake at 6 : 00 in the morning , he got out of bed and stepped into his turnout pants and boots . He then pulled up the pants , securing them over his shoulders with the attached suspenders and headed for the dayroom to make some coffee . Once he had the brew ready , Johnny sipped at a cup as he sat at the table thinking about the call from the night before . It can 't be Sarah Peabody . I 've never seen her before yesterday , so how would she know who I was or what station I was at ? Well , I guess she * does * know now , so . . . Luanne Peabody made her way down to the kitchen while her husband showered upstairs . Though used to getting up early to see him off to work , she wasn 't a ' morning person ' and always looked forward to a cup of coffee to help her get motivated . She pushed open the kitchen door , her gaze immediately going to a chair against the wall under the telephone ; a chair that had been at the table with the others when she and her husband turned out the lights to go to bed . " What . . . ? " There was only one person in the house who would need a chair to reach the phone . " Sarah . What on earth was she doing calling someone while she was supposed to be in bed ? " she wondered out loud . But that was the only explanation she could think of . With a sigh and a shake of her head , she walked over and returned the chair to its place . " I 'm surprised we didn 't have the fire department knocking at our door again . " Upstairs , Sarah lay wide awake , as she had most the night , at times peeking out from under her covers . Each time she 'd caught a glimpse of the deceiving angelic face framed by long dark hair peering back at her , the moonlight casting an eerie shadow across the features . Sitting in a small plastic chair across the room , with her legs crossed at the ankles and hands in the lap of her new frilly skirt , the image was of total innocence and sweetness . But Sarah knew better . And she 'd never wanted anyone to just disappear so much before in her life . " Rise and shine , " the mother said as she walked in the room and opened the curtains . She was surprised to see her daughter already scrambling from the bed . " Wow , what 's got you so raring to go this morning ? " No reply from the child had her suggesting one . " Could it be something to do with a late night phone call ? " When Sarah turned to give her a puzzled look , she continued . " You forgot to push the chair you used to reach the phone back over to the table . Who 'd ' you call , Sarah ? " Her mom raised an eyebrow in doubt . " Saaarah ? " It was then she noticed dark circles under her eyes and concern replaced anger . " Honey , do you feel okay ? Are you sick ? " she asked as she quickly stepped over . She reached out and placed the back of her hand on her daughter 's forehead . " You aren 't feverish , but you look like you didn 't even get much sleep last night . " That was the last thing Sarah wanted . She wanted to get away . . . away from her playmate . At first the discovery of her new friend had brought an enchanted feeling to her . Sarah thought she was the luckiest girl in the world the day she discovered she had a live - in pal who would become her best friend . It happened after another little girl gave her a special gift for her birthday in late September . Now Sarah wished the party and gifts had never come about . She 'd trade them all just to get rid of ' her ' . The girl shook her head and with hopeful eyes offered , " I 'm not sick . I can go ta school . " She couldn 't get over how bright those tired eyes suddenly looked . " But it doesn 't get you off the hook about the phone , " Luanne reminded . Sarah eagerly ran to her dresser to get out her clothes . " Well , I thought for sure we 'd get another run to the Peabodys ' after that . Heck , you know how it goes sometimes , Roy . When you 're expecting to be sent out during the night and aren 't , it can keep a guy awake . " Johnny sighed and glowered . " Okay , you 've made your point already . But , " he stated , his right index finger raised as they stopped behind their vehicles , " You 've gotta admit it 's weird that the calls were coming close to each other . You know , we go on a run and I get a call from this person . Now all of a sudden they aren 't . " " Maybe . But I think I 'm still gonna stop by the Peabody house on the way home and see if I can talk to Sarah 's mom . I just have a hunch the kid knows who 's makin ' these calls . Aside from the one she made , I mean . " The woman wiped her damp hands on her apron as she walked into the livingroom . When she got to the door , she opened it , very surprised to see John Gage standing on the porch in uniform but without his partner . She immediately looked beyond him in search of the squad . She didn 't see it anywhere . Instead there was a white vehicle that resembled a jeep parked out in front . " Uh - - " Johnny put up a hand and gave an explanation for what he figured she was thinking . " Relax . It 's okay . We didn 't get another call here . In fact I 'm off duty . " Once inside and seated on the couch , he explained about the late night phone call and that gut instinct told him her daughter probably knew who might be on the other end of the line . Luanne thought about the misplaced chair in the kitchen , Sarah looking as though she 'd not gotten much sleep . There was only one conclusion she could draw . " No , I think it was her . " Johnny raised his eyebrows in surprise . He 'd almost expected her to get defensive ; as if he 'd made a mistake . " You do ? But how would she know who I am ? I mean , I got a coupla prank calls before we ever came over here . " " And don 't worry , " the mother reassured , " We 'll put a stop to it . When she finds out her trick - or - treating tomorrow night is cancelled , I 'm sure she 'll re - think what she 's been doing before she loses more than that . " She eyed the paramedic from the chair she was sitting in across from him . " You look like you could use some coffee . There 's some left over from breakfast . . . " Johnny glanced around the room and noticed a baby doll that had been left sitting on the floor near a wall . The body was facing outward , but the head was turned around backward . The odd sight took him back in thought to another little girl he 'd encountered on a few runs . Abigail . . . When he 'd asked then why her mother 's dolls that were on display all had their heads turned around , he 'd gotten the bizarre explanation that they did it on their own because they didn 't like her . But that girl 's mother had said Abigail did it because she didn 't like them staring at her . He wondered if Sarah had the same kind of hang up . At least she doesn 't have one like Lynette . . . Lynette had been a larger doll that Abigail had sworn didn 't like Johnny . He 'd almost been convinced that the doll was sneering at him . He shuddered at the recollection of a strange experience during a house fire when it seemed as though Lynette were alive . Luanne came back into the room with the cup of coffee , interrupting his thoughts . She noticed him staring at the doll . " I keep telling Sarah to put her toys away when she 's done with them . But the way she reacts , you 'd think they come out on their own . " " You know , that 's the first time I 've ever seen it , " she replied as she handed him the hot beverage . Johnny suddenly got an uneasy feeling . And his dislike of dolls came back with a flourish . When he got to his apartment , Johnny plopped his tired body down on the couch and sat staring at nothing in particular as he gave what he 'd seen at the Peabody house more thought . Though logically he knew he could go into any house in Carson that had a doll in it and likely come across the same thing on any given day , it bothered him to the extent that he couldn 't get it off of his mind . C ' mon man . Forget it ; it 's just another damn doll . Man , not even * Roy 'll * let me live it down if he finds out . So there was only one solution . Get over it and not say a word to anyone else about it . In the meantime , he needed a shower to get refreshed so he could run some errands . After another night of broken sleep thanks to a wacky dream about dolls on shelves in a store turning their heads away from him as he walked by , Johnny was once again on his way to work . He didn 't feel as tired as the morning before when he 'd gotten off duty , but he knew he could 've stood to get a night of solid rest . And just like with Sarah 's doll , he was going to keep his mouth shut about the strange dream . It would open the door wide for unending jokes if the guys at the station found out he had a dream . . . crazy or otherwise . . . about dolls . At least I shouldn 't be getting anymore prank calls . . . maybe our false runs 'll stop now too . But remembering what holiday it was , he frowned . Then again , maybe not . Sarah Peabody sat on her bedroom floor as she tied her shoes . Though very upset the day before when she 'd found out she was grounded from trick - or - treating for something she didn 't do , this morning she wore a smirk . She gave a knowing glance at the dark - haired brown - eyed figure in the plastic chair , who wore a smug grin in return . The two had formulated a plan , her friend being the instigator , so as not to have Halloween ruined . Though Sarah had been wishing her gone , when the little girl heard the other 's suggestion to help her out , some of the fear had gone and the feeling of being lucky returned . " Good mornin ' , " Johnny said with a smile as he entered the dayroom . The rest of the crew was already in the room , Chet on the couch and Mike , Roy and Marco at the table . Captain Stanley would be gathering them for roll call in just a matter of minutes . " Well , you certainly are chipper today , " Roy remarked . " I take it you got your problem solved ? " The younger man grabbed a cup out of the cupboard and glanced over his shoulder as he reached for the coffee pot . " Yep , I sure did . " As he poured the hot brew , he continued . " Sarah 's mom found one of the kitchen chairs outta place yesterday morning . It was directly underneath the phone on the wall . It doesn 't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened . So she was gonna put a stop to it as soon as Sarah got home from school yesterday . " Johnny turned and rested his backside against the counter . He took a sip of coffee , then answered , " Sure looks that way , Marco . Only thing is , we didn 't know her until after I got a call or two here . So there almost had to be someone else involved . But only time 'll tell , " he shrugged . " Or it may not even matter anymore . " Roy leaned back in his chair . " It 's a good thing you listened to your hunch and stopped by their house yesterday . " A smug grin on his face , Johnny nodded in agreement , then took another sip of his coffee . Before more conversation could go on , Hank Stanley peeked in through the doorway . " Roll call , guys . Let 's get this over with . " The men filed out and got lined up so the captain could go over his notes with them . Johnny half listened as his mind wandered back to the phone calls and the fact they 'd started before he and Roy had been dispatched to Sarah 's . Though he 'd tried to convince himself it really didn 't matter , he had a gut feeling it did . Once Sarah had gone to school , and Luanne out and about with a few morning errands , the small dark - haired figure in the frilly dress made her way from Sarah 's room to the parents ' . There she opened a drawer in the nightstand on Daniel Peabody 's side of the bed . Her little hand let go of the drawer knob as she peered inside , her brown eyes open wide . Her mouth formed a satisfied grin at the sight of the object inside . Her gaze traveled to the telephone on the other night stand . Johnny leaned inside the oven in an effort to clean off some stubborn baked on casserole that was left from the previous shift . It wasn 't the first time he 'd gotten stuck with the chore and he certainly doubted it would be his last . I wish they 'd remember to clean it up . He envied Roy , who only had to sweep over the dorm and locker room floors , and the three engine crew members out on the hose rack . He almost had the worst of the stain scrubbed off when one of the telephones near the doorway rang . Johnny quickly dropped the sponge on the oven surface and pulled away , immediately reaching out for the receiver to catch the call on the third ring . There was a brief second of silence , followed by a soft spoken child - like voice . " I remember you . Do you remember me ? " A couple of seconds passed , then , " You 'd better . " A click and dial tone followed . He looked forward a moment , then at the receiver still in his hand . He couldn 't place the voice at all . But with as many people as they met into in their job , that didn 't surprise him . Johnny returned the receiver to its cradle and leaned with his right shoulder against the wall as he stared blankly ahead . ' Do you remember me ? ' I 'd better ? " Uh . . " Surely he could handle any more prank calls on his own . It was just another little girl on the other end of the line . It wasn 't like he was dealing with some adult nut case . " Just a wrong number . I better get back to cleaning the oven , " he said as he quickly returned to his sponge . Roy was surprised at his partner 's eagerness . Normally Johnny would be on a rant about having to clean up someone else 's mess . I 'll never figure him out . " Okay , Mrs . Blevins . Just relax and let us do the work and we 'll have you out of here in no time , " Johnny reassured . It was early afternoon and Station 51 had been dispatched to a motor vehicle accident . Two cars collided in an intersection , one with the driver fairing okay , the other belonging to Juanita Blevins who was pinned by her steering wheel . Pumpkin and ghost shaped sugar cookies littered the front passenger side floor where an uncovered tray on the seat had landed from the impact . Johnny covered himself and her with a yellow blanket as the engine crew used chains and the jaws to pull the steering column back . Soon they had her freed and ready to transport . She was more upset about not making it to a children 's Halloween party than anything else . But Johnny reminded her kids could be pretty forgiving . " I 'll bet they 'll just be glad to know you 're gonna be okay . " Johnny sure hoped he was . He recalled the phone call he 'd gotten earlier in the day . That kid sure didn 't sound very forgiving and all he 'd done was . . . he didn 't know . But he was fairly sure it wasn 't a little admirer calling him . Later in the evening , after leaving another patient in the care of Doctor Early , Johnny joined Roy at Dixie McCall 's desk where he was getting their supplies refilled . The younger man grinned as he watched a very slow moving werewolf get ushered into one of the treatment rooms by a nurse . She didn 't look too pleased with her assignment . " Things are gettin ' pretty hairy around here , " he commented . Roy rolled his eyes while Dixie gave him a smile . " Aren 't you the clever one , " she teased . She shook her head at Johnny 's suggestion . " We tried to get him to take it off . He refused to do it till he was behind closed doors so it doesn 't ruin the effect . And don 't ask me ' effect on who ' , " she added when Johnny opened his mouth , obviously about to ask . " I have no idea why it 's going to matter here , but I 'm not questioning any strangeness on Halloween . " " So far we haven 't encountered much out in the field , " Roy stated . " Knock wood . " Johnny rapped lightly on his partner 's head with his kunckles , eliciting an annoyed look from the older man . " And on that , I think we 'll be going . " Roy picked up their supplies in one hand and gave a wave . " See ya later . " Johnny glanced over his shoulder . " Always , " he said with a crooked grin . He was just relieved that he hadn 't had to deal with anymore kids calling him , and no prank runs . In fact things were going so well , he hadn 't even thought about the doll at the Peabodys ' or the strange dream he 'd had because of it . Johnny even found himself enjoying the holiday on duty . When the paramedics arrived at the Peabody house , they quickly climbed out of the squad and opened the compartments on the passenger side . Both turned around as they removed their supplies when they saw Luanne run toward them from the home . " I 'm not . . . even gonna ask . . . why you 're here , " she said breathlessly as she reached the squad . " You know we grounded her from trick - or - treating , " she explained , her voice more solid having caught her breath . " I went to her room to check on her . . . and she was gone ! She must 've snuck out ! " " How long ago was this ? " Roy wondered . " About ten minutes . . . maybe fifteen . Daniel just left in the car to look for her . " " Did you call the police ? " " That 's mostly on TV . " Roy couldn 't help but smile slightly . " It won 't hurt to call them . I 'm sure they 'd alert units in the area to at least be on the lookout for her . " " That 's fine . . . anything . " They could hear the relief in her voice . Johnny and Roy secured their supplies in the compartments , and Johnny grabbed the mic in the squad and reported them in as available . " I 'll start down that way . " The younger man pointed to the right , a flashlight in his hand . " Okay , but let 's not separate too much . Remember , I 've got the HT . " Hank Stanley got up from his seat in the dorm room to answer the telephone . He and the rest of the engine crew were watching an old scary movie to pass the time . " Station 51 , Captain Stanley speaking . " " What ? Look , I 've - - " But before he could say more , the line clicked and the voice was replaced with a dial tone . Seeing the strange look on his face , Mike asked , " Who was it , Cap ? " " Sarah ! " Johnny called out again . " Sarah ! " He passed a small group of curious little costumed children as he looked around in the semi - darkened area , the beam of his flashlight scanning in the darker spots around hedges and bushes . At the end of the block , he heard a small sound from across the street . " Sarah ? " He peered over and couldn 't see anything . After a couple of cars passed by , Johnny hurried over . " Sarah , is that you ? " He heard a child 's whimper from the driveway that ran along side the house . With no lights on inside , he assumed the people that lived there were not at home or the place wasn 't occupied at all . The paramedic shined his flashlight toward the sound , but didn 't see anyone . " Sarah ? It 's okay . It 's John Gage . " While Roy and Johnny continued to search for Sarah , Luanne went into the kitchen to call the police as Roy had suggested . But when she lifted the receiver and put it to her ear , it sounded like someone else was already dialing . Startled , she pulled the ear piece away and with the phone still in her left hand , looked upwards . Sarah ? Could she have been hiding in the house all along ? The mother quickly replaced the receiver and hurried up to her own bedroom . As she entered the room , she stopped and stared at the sight before her . The telephone from her nightstand was on the floor , the receiver off the hook and in the lap of her daughter 's baby doll . One hand was resting on the body of the phone . The doll 's head was tilted upwards , as if looking at her . But she wasn 't jointed in the neck to be able to have her head set at a tilt . Expecting to see Sarah nearby , Luanne gazed across the room . She noticed the drawer of the nightstand on her husband 's side of the bed was open a crack . She hurried around and pulled it out farther to peer inside . A gasp escaped her lips when she saw that the . 22 caliber handgun her husband normally kept there was missing . " Oh my God . . . " She brought a hand up to her mouth as she once again eyed the room , and then the doll with the phone . None of it made sense . Who was dialing the phone ? The recorded voice of an operator saying , " If you 'd like to make a call , please hang up and dial again " broke into her thoughts . She took one last quick glance at the doll and ran from the room . She not only wanted to get away from something she couldn 't logically explain ; but also needed to alert the paramedics of the new development with the missing gun . On the way down the hall , she could hear a distant beeping sound behind her , indicating the telephone was still off the hook . Roy hoped his partner was having better luck than him . The only children he 'd seen around the area were the mostly older trick - or - treaters who were apparently allowed to be out later on a school night . He glanced around and saw Luanne Peabody come out of her house in the distance , her head turning from side to side as she ran down their sidewalk . Wondering if she was searching for them , he hurried back . When Johnny got to the corner of the house , he shone his light across the back yard . He couldn 't see anyone , but once again the faint sound of a whimper could be heard . It seemed to be coming from an unkempt group of bushes that lined the other side of the yard . " All right , this is enough , " Johnny muttered to himself . He walked firmly across the grassy ground , determined to solve the issue . Sarah looked at her friend with a nervous grin , her hair partially catching on their leafy cover . The fireman was approaching with his flashlight beam sweeping across their hiding spot . It had been fun to see where they could lead him without being fully discovered . She hadn 't expected him to be around ; the plan was just supposed to be to get out of the house without her parents spotting her so she could still go trick - or - treating , even if it was without a costume . Like most young ones , she hadn 't thought about the consequences when her mom and dad eventually figured it out . Sarah briefly wondered why he 'd come to their place again ; if her mother had called the firemen about her . She slunk farther into the shrubbery so as not to be spotted easily , carefully holding onto her orange plastic pumpkin basket with a few candies in it . The closer he got , the more nervous she grew . Roy picked up the pace when he saw Luanne come running toward him . " What is it ? " he asked when they came together in front of another yard on the block . The image of the baby doll crossed her mind , but she dismissed it , going instead directly to what was most important . " The gun 's gone ! " " Daniel keeps a handgun in a drawer beside the bed , " she frantically explained . " I noticed the drawer wasn 't shut all the way , so I looked . And it was empty ! " The thoughts ran through his mind quickly , as he tried to reason everything out . He was immediately jarred out of his thoughts at the sound of a gunshot from down the street . Johnny ! Johnny was a few feet away from the bushes when he noticed two light - blue sneaker covered feet just inside the greenery . He stopped where he was and shook his head slightly , eyeing the ground . With a sigh , he once again looked at the shoes and coaxed , " Okay , c ' mon out , Sarah . It 's time to go home . " He saw the feet pull back and a rustling could be heard . The paramedic figured she was getting onto her hands and knees to crawl out . He glanced over his shoulder a moment when he heard the young voices of more trick - or - treaters passing by in the distance near the street . When he returned his attention forward , Johnny startled . Standing in the open was a large doll with long dark hair and wearing a frilly dress . The clothes were different , but there was no mistaking that sneering face . Oh man . . . Lynette ? What in the hell is she doing * here * ? The doll looked eerie in the flashlight beam . He could see what might 've been traces of dark smudges from the house fire she was in on her face , which added to the eeriness . Now he was sure he hated dolls . Johnny reeled . No way , man . No way . . . He had to be imagining it . . . it had to be the light playing tricks on him and Sarah 's voice instead . It had to have been Sarah who made the phone call . Sarah crawled out dragging her pumpkin basket and got to her feet . Standing beside the doll , she looked at the paramedic . " She tol ' me she doesn 't like you . " His eyes widened when he saw her pull a handgun out of her basket and drop the plastic toy on the ground . " Where 'd you get that ? Sweetheart , that 's nothin ' to play around with . You know you could get seriously hurt or you might hurt someone else . " When she didn 't respond , he took a step forward and reached out . In a calm voice , he stated , " Lemme have the gun , Sarah . " She glared at him a moment , then stuck the gun in front of Lynette 's hands . Johnny saw that as a good time to grab for it . As he lunged forward , he saw a flash , at the same time there was a loud bang . In a matter of seconds , the paramedic found himself lying on the ground , a seering pain in his right side . He grabbed for the offending area , immediately feeling a wetness . Shit . . . She bit her trembling lower lip and disappeared from his view . Johnny closed his eyes against the pain , his mouth in a grimace . I shoulda ' knocked on * my * head instead of Roy 's . . . Roy hurried to the squad and after tossing the HT onto the passenger seat , he drove toward where the gun shot had sounded , his own safety not a concern as he worried about his partner 's where a bouts . He stopped and climbed out at the end of the block when he saw Sarah run from a yard across the street . Other people were here and there along the block wondering where the loud noise had come from , some not sure if it was a gun shot or a car backfiring . The senior paramedic tried to make sense of what she was saying , but all he could decipher between her sobs was that someone else was playing a game and she didn 't believe her . He noticed there were several drops of blood spattered on her hands and lower arms . Roy heard a groan as he hurried around the rear corner of the house . He could see a flashlight beam ahead on the ground and shone his own as he made his way over . His partner was lying on the ground . A few feet in front of him was a doll lying on the ground as well , a handgun about a foot away from her left arm . She was splattered with spots of blood here and there . Bewildered , Roy knelt down by Johnny and saw the growing stain on the side of his uniform shirt and dark blue jacket . The younger man opened his eyes and blearily looked up at Roy as the other ripped opened the shirt , the buttons popping off in the process , to get a better look at the wound . " Man . . . wha . . . where 's . . . the . . . doll ? " " Relax , the doll 's gonna be fine . It 's you I 'm worried about . " And Sarah , he thought . " Nn . . . no . . . the doll , " He winced in pain as Roy gently examined the wound . " Roy . . . she . . . " Johnny knew he should say yes . But Lynette was the one who didn 't like him , as absurd as it seemed . There was only one answer to give that sounded logical . " Was . . . an accident , " he responded in a weak voice . " Well , it looks like it just clipped your side pretty good . " Roy opened the trauma box and got out a compress . He placed it over the wound , then after getting Johnny 's vital signs , he set up the biophone and contacted Rampart . In a just a couple of minutes , police were on scene and Roy had one patrolman retrieve the drug box , a blanket and oxygen from the squad while he continued to tend to his partner . The officer who remained with them stepped over to Lynette and squatted down . He couldn 't help but shudder at the blood drops on her dress and vinyl skin . It looked like something out of a horror movie . He noticed something and focused his flashlight beam directly on it . " That 's odd , " he voiced aloud . Roy looked over , but it was Johnny who spoke . " Wha . . . ? " The officer stood up , his eyes still on Lynette . " Looks like she 's got gun powder residue on both of her hands . If she weren 't made of rubber , I 'd say we had our shooter . " Roy noticed Johnny shiver , but attributed it to his being shocky . " Hang in there , partner , " he said as he reached for the blanket when the other policeman returned with the needed supplies . Luanne waited for word on Johnny near the squad and an ambulance that had just arrived on scene . Since Sarah had obviously been through a traumatic experience , she didn 't want to make it worse by having her see the fireman suffering . It was bad enough the police said they were going to need to talk to the little girl about what happened . Suddenly it dawned on her that she 'd been able to call them ; the line was no longer in use . " What the hell 's going on ? " Daniel Peabody asked as he approached his wife and daughter . The mother sighed . She wished someone could explain some of it to her . Johnny sat at the table in his kitchen with a cup of coffee in front of him . He 'd been out of the hospital for a few days now and would be going back to work before long . The paramedic thought back to what one of the police officers from Halloween night told him the day after while he was still at Rampart . Both Roy and the policeman had come in together . Roy plopped two miniature candy bars on the tray over Johnny 's lap . " From Chris and Jennifer , " he explained . " They wanted to share some of their Halloween loot with ya . " " Tell ' em I said thanks . " Johnny wasn 't surprised at Roy 's children sending the candy over to him . They always tried to include him in their holidays somehow . Johnny looked from the officer to Roy , and back to the officer . He couldn 't read their expressions except that they were about to deliver not so good news . " What is it ? " " That 's right . But we have no evidence pointing to anyone else . And since Daniel Peabody has a solid alibi , we can 't pin this shooting on anyone , accident or not . " " Can 't pin it on anyone , " Johnny said to himself , coming out of his thoughts . " But what if the one who pulled the trigger didn 't have any fingerprints . . . " Man , here ya go thinkin ' crazy again . . . At least he 'd been given the good news that Lynette was incinerated . She was gone . It was the only solution the Peabodys could think of to get Sarah to stop talking about her , plus the doll was stained with his blood . Johnny shuddered involuntarily . Not even Art Fromish would come up with something like this . There was just one thing he couldn 't figure out . If Sarah and Lynette were outside together , who had called the squad to the Peabodys ' house that night ? When he 'd asked Luanne , she 'd just shrugged . But there was something in her eyes that hinted she was holding something back . |
My name is William ; I am about 5ft 8 and 165lbs . Not bad looking but no movie star , just a decent guy that you wouldn 't be ashamed to be seen with . William was my grandfather 's name , we were buddies while he was alive . I have finally reached my golden years , I am 64 and retired . I spent about 9 years in the Army . No I wasn 't a Ranger , Navy Seal , or Marine Force Recon . Just a regular guy that made the most of the experience . The Army paid for my college and I had to spend 5 years on active duty after graduating . That was the 9 years . After I got out I had a job in purchasing and supply . I was an inventory control specialist for a little over 20 years and then retired at the ripe old age of 50 . While at that job , I used my college education and the things I learned on my job to develop a software program for inventory control and purchasing . It was a big success and I sold the program for a small fortune . I also received a small percentage of all future program sales . In addition my grandfather left me a small piece of land when he died , about 300 acres . A developer wanted to build a resort and golf course in the area and decided that my acreage was the perfect place to build it . He offered me an obscene amount of money for the property , so I took the money and ran like a thief . My grandfather had always said that piece of property was only good for raising snakes and raising hell on . I know my grandfather is laughing his ass off at the developer for paying that much for that piece of worthless high desert . All of this is to show , that money is not a problem . I can buy just about anything I want and everything I need . My first wife was Mary . She was the sister of one of my fraternity brothers , Bob . Both Mary and Bob lived with their parents , just waiting to spread their wings and fly but living at home for the mean time . Mary was going with a nice Catholic boy at the time . I had come to pick up Bob , we were going to have a couple of beers . When I met Mary , she reminded me of Marilyn Monroe . No she didn 't really look like her , other than the blond hair . I mean Mary had that same voluptuous body . That same built for sex and drive men crazy body . An hour glass figure with big breasts and a great ass . God , I would learn to love her ass . I was 22 , young , dumb , and full of cum , and she was 18 . I had just finished college and began my Army enlistment . Mary was a good Catholic girl dating a good Catholic boy , so everyone thought . You see this good Catholic boy was already married . One day the truth came out and her family 's world ( and her 's ) collapsed . She thought she was in love and was devastated when she learned the truth about her Prince Charming . Mary 's brother , Bob , called me and asked me to take her out . She needed to get out of the house he said . She was just sitting around in a stupor going slowly nuts . First of all I don 't like to be set up on dates at all . Never been on one that I didn 't need a lot of booze to make it through the date . Second , my idea of a good time didn 't include sitting with a girl all night as she cried about her lost love . Bob almost begged me and said he would pay for everything , even the drinks . Well now , free booze , free food and do a good deed too . I 'm your man . I went to the family home to pick up Mary for our date . Bob let me in and Mary came to meet me . I was dead meat from that moment on . Bob formally introduced us and she shook my hand . When I touched her hand I swear there was a spark that nothing to do with static electricity . From that first touch , that first look into her green eyes and that first hello with her very sexy voice , I was in love . I didn 't care if she was intelligent , I didn 't care about her politics , I didn 't care about her religion , and I just didn 't care . All I wanted to do was put my arms around her , love her to death and protect her from the cruel world . It wasn 't that I was inexperienced or unfamiliar with women . I was considered as something of a cock hound . Well my frat brothers always said I would screw an alligator if someone would drain the swamp . Almost right , I was something of a player . Lots of girls , lots of dates , lots of sex , and never got serious . Mary just knocked the wind right out of my sails . I came to her house on a mission of mercy . This cool college man going to help show her that the world was still there and I left that night almost her slave . Needless to say , that night was the best blind date I had ever had . She was attentive , sexy , and very affectionate . I thought she was trying to swab my tonsils as I kissed her good night . Mary allowed me to take her places and to be at her beck and call for 2 years before we got married . For the first year , I tried every trick I knew to get in her pants . No such luck , she was waiting for marriage . Every time I thought , this is bullshit I need to get laid , I 'm leaving , she would show me a little more love and I was hooked all over again . First I was allowed to touch her breasts outside of her shirt , then under the shirt but over the bra . Next I got to touch her naked breasts , then her knee and then high up on her thigh and finally her pussy but only outside of her panties . She would rub my hard on , but only outside of my pants . I was wrapped up and couldn 't get and didn 't want to get away . Now , I was a guy that would date a girl once and the next date we hit the sheets or it was over . Always more women around and I wouldn 't waste my time on girls who wanted a relationship first . Not me , pay up ladies , I have invested my time and expect to be rewarded . ( I was quite an asshole sometimes ) . It wasn 't that Mary was frigid , she would breathe heavy , rub herself against me and try and stick her tongue down my throat . She would just allow me to do just enough to keep me interested in the game . When I asked her to marry me after about a year and a half , she said , yes of course . Mary decided that she wouldn 't wait for marriage to make love . She then began to try and kill me with sex . She really liked sex a lot . Well we got married and began our life together and I was in heaven . Sex every day , several times a day with a beautiful enthusiastic goddess . Mary being Catholic she didn 't want to use any birth control except the old standby rhythm method . Now being constantly horny and in love and lust that type of contraception led to Mary getting pregnant after 2 months . Oh well , we both wanted kids , just not quite that soon . I was stationed in our home town and basically had a 9 to 5 job and came home almost every night for dinner . Just as we found out she was with child , I was deployed overseas . It was my first deployment away from home and the rest of the bad news was that my wife could not join me . I had to leave for about 18 months . Mary was to stay in our small apartment while I was gone . She would have her family to help her and look after her . However I was able to make it home for the birth of our son , William Jr . We didn 't get a chance for sex while I was home , but had a lot of cuddle time . As I was getting ready to leave , a friend told me to watch my woman . I ask what he meant and he told me she had been seen at the local watering hole during the first three months of her pregnancy having a good time dancing and so on . He said also said she didn 't always leave alone . I couldn 't believe she would do that . The old adage " Trust but verify " came to mind and into play . Before I left I had a couple of friends that owed me a few favors to keep an eye on Mary while I finished my deployment . I continued to call and write to Mary for the last few months of my deployment . Even made it home once or twice during that time . Mary seemed very glad to see me and we tried to make up for the lack of sex we had been missing . Well , at least I had been missing . I came back from overseas and again was stationed in my home town . My two friends , whose help I had enlisted , met me at our favorite watering hole about 1 week after I got home . I felt a hole open up in my chest before I even opened the envelope . Inside were pictures of Mary and other men . That 's right , men , as in more than one . Mary dancing , hugging , kissing and pictures that were much more graphic and damning . My world just fell in on me . I began to shake and had to run to the latrine . I threw up everything I had to eat or drink for the last two days ; at least that was the way it felt . Pulling myself back together , I returned to the booth . There was a bottle of Jack Daniels and 3 glasses . Drink number one . Ray started , " Just about every Friday , Saturday , and Sunday Mary would show up at the Wagon Wheel . You know they 've got live music on those nights . Well , it seems she became a special friend to the band , not only a member of the band but the entire band and the bands entourage . She would dance , drink and cuddle with the friends of the guys in the band . When the band took a break , she would usually go out to their van with one or more of the band members . Some of those pictures were from those times and on some nights Mary would leave with the band . I waited in front of you apartment a couple of times and she seldom got home before daylight . One time she left with the band on Friday and didn 't come home until Monday morning about 5 A . M . That 's the truth William and I 'm just as sorry as hell about it . " Drink number two . I sat there and listened to Ray and felt the hole in my chest get bigger and bigger until I was totally empty . " Son of a bitch , " I screamed . John waved away the bouncer that started over to our booth . Drink number three . All I could think about was my son and the end of our little family . " I have to throw the cheating bitch out and try to get over this some way . " I sat and took a couple of deep breaths . " Thanks guys , you are good friends . I know you like Mary and her screwing around hurt you too . I 'll talk to you guys in a couple of days , I have to go home and do some house cleaning . " Drink number four . I left the bar , jumped in my car and drove carefully home . Last thing I needed was a DUI . Mary 's face turned pale and she said " Don 't know the place , I 've never been there . I put you dinner in the oven , should still be warm . I wish you would let me know when you 're going to be late . " She just rattled on and on to hide her reaction . Right to my face . She lied right to my face . I said , " Don 't worry it was just the guys , honey . We wasn 't dancing or anything . " Mary looked at me quickly when I mentioned dancing . " I heard they have a band on the weekends . Maybe we can go this Friday night , for a little us time . What do you think hon ? " Mary looked at me , I guess she was trying to see if I knew something . " I don 't want to go to some smokey dive full of drunks . Let 's go out for a nice dinner and a movie . Just you and I , Mom can watch Billy and we can make a real night of it . " " Okay with me . I thought you might want to go dancing . You used to like to dance and we haven 't been dancing in a long time . " Mary was having a hard time with my little digs . She didn 't know if I suspected something or what . Now is the time to hit her with my evidence . " You know the Wagon Wheel has other types of entertainment too . I have some pictures here of other things that go on there . Take a look . " I slid the envelope across the table to her . Mary had a puzzled look on her face . She knew the Wagon Wheel didn 't have any other entertainment . As she pulled out the pictures and began to look at them her face became deathly pale . It seemed all the blood left her face . She looked at several pictures and the blood came rushing back to her face and she was beet red . Mary started to sway as her legs gave out . She tried to sit down , missed the chair and fell on her ass . " What ? How did you ? Oh no , oh god , on no " Mary kept repeating over and over for 3 or 4 minutes . " Please let me explain . It 's not what you think . " The typical bullshit spouted by every cheater in history . " Explain what Mary ? My loving wife being a whore and a slut . Is that what you want to explain ? I only need to know one thing Mary . Not a long explanation , no excuses , no bullshit . What I need to know is why ? Why would you show such a lack of respect for me , our family and our marriage ? Tell me that now . No bullshit , no spin , just the truth . WHY ? Quit the fuckin ' sobbing and answer my question , you bitch . WHY ? " She was still sitting on the floor and sobbing almost out of control . I picked her up and put her in a chair . Mary got some control of herself and began her tale of woe . You have heard it all before . I was gone , she got lonesome , she just wanted to have a little fun and it got out of hand . She couldn 't seem to stop herself . She didn 't want to hurt me , she stopped once I returned home , and she would never do it again . Please give her another chance and let her make it up to me . Bullshit , Bullshit , Bullshit . " Did having a little fun include pulling the train with all the band members and their friends , Mary ? Did it mean leaving the house on Friday evening and not returning until Monday morning ? Where was Billy while you were out whoring ? Did you take precautions or did you stick to you Catholic ideas of birth control ? " " Billy always was taken care of first . My mom took care of him or I had Julie , next door , babysit for me . I would return the favor for her on the nights I stayed home . As for the men I made them wear rubbers except when I knew I couldn 't get pregnant because I was in a safe part of my cycle . " " So you fucked them bareback . How about STDs ? Ever stop to think that a bunch of musicians , who fuck girls all over the country , might not be the safest partners for unprotected sex . You whore ; no I shouldn 't call you a whore . Calling you a whore gives whores a bad name . You are just a slut , and a stupid slut at that . " Mary began to cry again and said , " I didn 't think , I just did . I 'm so very sorry William . I love you so much . Please , can 't we get past this ? I don 't want to lose you or our family . " " You have got to be shitting me . You say I 'm sorry , I love you , and I am supposed to just forgive and forget . Not in this life time , bitch . I don 't see any way to get past this . Your disregard for what could have happen , your lack of respect for me and Billy has pretty much killed any chance for us . If you had just fucked one guy , one time , I might be able to get over it . That wasn 't enough for you . You had to turn into a complete slut and do all those guys all those times . Fuck you ! You don 't deserve any consideration , compassion or understanding . There is only one way that your cheating ass is not going to be kicked out right now . Do you want to know what that way is ? " " You can stay for now , but there will be several conditions and requirements of you . First you will get checked out by a doctor for disease . If you are clean we will continue to live here , not together as a couple , but still in my apartment . We won 't sleep in the same bed , you can sleep in Billy 's room . I couldn 't stand to be in the same bed with you . You will cook , clean , do laundry and generally be a housekeeper . We will be sort of roommates and your duties will pay you share of the rent and your food . It goes without saying that you will take good care of Billy and be an exceptional mother . No more fostering him off on your mom or the neighbors . Understood ? " " Don 't misunderstand Mary , this is not a way for us to reconcile or get over this . I 'm allowing this because it is what is best for Billy . He needs both of us right now . As he gets older that will change and we will have to see what happens then . Just remember , you are on a very , very short leash . One slip and you are gone . No more nights at the Wagon Wheel or anywhere else . Your days of being the life and slut of the party are over . Are you with me so far ? " " No contact with any of those assholes at all . If they call you , tell them to leave you alone . If you meet while you are out , you cross the street to stay away from them . You are to have no contact with them at all , no phone calls , no emails , no letters not even ESP . Stay the fuck away from them . They helped destroy my home and the only reason they will remain alive , is my son needs me here not in jail . Will you agree with these conditions or will you leave now ? " " If you decide you can 't or won 't live this way , pack you stuff and leave . I will file for divorce on grounds of adultery tomorrow . I will use those grounds to get custody of our son and keep you cheating ass away from him . By the way where is Billy ? " " I am going over to get him . We will be gone for about an hour . If you decide to stay , start dinner . When I come back , have dinner ready and your stuff moved into Billy 's room . I 'm done talking . " When I got back , dinner was on the table waiting for us . So started the first day of the rest of my life . What a fucking joke . I know the members of the band were just having a good time . Some slag comes on to them and they did what comes naturally . The problem is that slag was my wife and in my mind they overstepped the boundaries . About two weeks after our new arrangement started , I made a little trip to the Wagon Wheel to hear this great band playing there . I was waiting outside at the back of the building when two of the band members stepped outside for a break . They got a break alright . One sustained a broken knee and couldn 't play the drums for several months . The other got a broken shoulder and he also couldn 't play for a few months . He was the lead guitar player I think . I prefer a good old wooden Louisville Slugger ( as opposed to an aluminum bat ) as it makes less noise when it hits bone , don 't you know . No one was ever arrested for the attack . Seems it was very dark and neither guy could see the man that jumped them . Too Bad . So Sad . Mary lived up to her end of the bargain for the next few years . She tried a few times to talk about " us " , but I shut her down very quickly every time . I know I could have and maybe should have kicked her out . But I got comfortable , I didn 't have to treat her like a wife or girlfriend . I didn 't have to worry about be late for dinner . Nor did I have to get permission to go have a few beers or go to a ballgame . After I got out of the service we moved to a house . I had my job in purchasing / supply making pretty good money . Mary stayed home and took care of Billy and the house . She really was a good cook and housekeeper . Our life was okay , not great but no fights and at least we were polite and friendly . Too bad , we could have had so much more . But the system was working as far as I was concerned . The only missing factor was sex . I 'm not sure how Mary would have reacted to my dating , but the situation never came up . There was no interest on my part to even have a drink with a woman , much less date . I don 't know if Mary 's cheating caused the way I felt , but I think it did . Oh I still looked at a pretty girl and fantasied a little , but it didn 't seem worth the trouble . I would think about dating , getting involved with a woman and then think she would just shit on me the way Mary had . So I was a sexual hermit . It was easier that way . My 30th birthday came around and I was wondering where my life was going . This situation couldn 't keep on forever ; and to truthful I didn 't want it to . Billy was about 7 and had accepted that his mother and father were not living like most moms and dads . He seemed okay with his home life . Our son was the best thing that came out of our marriage . He was smart , handsome , and very outgoing . All and all , a very nice boy . ( I think he was an exceptional young man , but then I am his father ) The day after my birthday Mary asked if we could talk that evening after Billy went to sleep . " Not if it 's the same old song and dance about getting past this or can 't I forgive you , " I said . Mary cringed a little at the dance comment . " Okay , after Billy is asleep we can talk . " About 8 , Mary asked me if now was a good time . " It 's you dime , start talking , " I answered . Mary hit me with something I knew had to be coming sometime . " William , I can 't continue to live like this . You have been very good about not throwing things up to me . Overall , you have treated me very well . Better than I deserved . Even though my actions don 't say so , I did and do love you more than anything or anyone . The things I did were disrespectful , stupid , and unacceptable . I understand and I really am very sorry , but I feel I have been punished long enough . If you can 't forgive me and let us go on as a real couple , then I need to leave . Billy had adapted well , and I don 't believe he will have any serious problems if we are not living together . That is why I have brought this up now . Is there any chance for us ? " " No Mary , there is no chance of us being husband and wife again . You have been very good these last few years . No complaining , no bitching , and have lived up to your part of the bargain . You made one slip when you received and answered an email from one of those assholes about 2 years ago , but that was all that happened . At least as far as I know . " " You are really a good woman , Mary . I guess you just lost you way back then , but I just can 't get over what you did . I forgive you but I can 't forget . That is the problem . Every time I would begin to forget , I would see you dancing in the kitchen or putting on something a little sexy or any number of little things and I would see those pictures again . I destroyed those pictures a couple of years ago . Thought it might help , but no such luck . They are imprinted on my mind . It would nice if we could go on , but this is about the best I can do . So what are you going to do ? " " Yeah , I guess you 're right . I will see the attorney tomorrow and start the paper work . This is a no fault state so a reason is not necessary . There will be no mention of adultery . Okay ? " The divorce went through in record time . I let Mary keep the house and most of the money in the checking / saving accounts . We shared custody of Billy . I paid Mary child support and though I didn 't have to I gave her a small amount of alimony . I saw my son every weekend and a month at a time during the summer . We also worked out a schedule concerning holidays . Mary and I are probably better friends now than when we were married . A common ground is shared in our son and it 's better for the boy if we don 't fight or attack each . Mary met a good man and got married about 2 years after our divorce . I liked the guy and he is a good step - father for Billy . About the same time that she remarried , I sold the software I talked about earlier . One month after that windfall , I sold the property my grandfather had left me . I was squatting in tall cotton . Lots of money , but no one to really share it with . I decided the Midwest had lost its ' appeal for me and moved to the west coast . I met and fell in lust with a delightful lady name Cindy . We got along very well . She and I enjoyed a lot of the same things and each other . Cindy knew about my ex - wife and the breakup of our marriage . She also knew about my son and how much I missed him . We decided to move in together , we were together every night and it seemed the smart thing to do . Living on the west coast , I only got to see my son during the summers . Billy was just about to start high school when I got a call from Mary . She told me Billy and his step - father had begun to butt heads more and more . Our son was and is a head strong young man and he rebelled a little at the disciple of his step - father . Mary would sometimes give in to Billy and step around her husband . I guess she felt a little guilty and was trying to make it up to the boy . You cannot do that . Kids , especially our son , will take any advantage that they can get . Mary asked me if Billy could come and live with me . I told Cindy about Mary 's request and her only comment was which room should she get ready I called Mary back the next day . " How quick can you get him here ? I was going to talk to you about that very thing next month , after I got back from my annual fishing trip with John and Ray . " ( Remember them ? ) " I will send you a check for his airfare and you put him on the first plane , he can go fishing with us . " Billy arrived five days later and went fishing with his old dad . Billy moved in with us , started and finished high school . He did pretty good living with us . Cindy and I presented a united front , so his little plans and schemes didn 't work very well . After finishing high school Billy enlisted in the Navy and became his own man . Cindy and I didn 't survive his leaving . I think we only stayed together as long as we did because she loved Billy too . We are still friends to this day . She has met and married a very nice guy . I like him and strange as it sounds , he and I play golf and go fishing together . No talk about Cindy is allowed . |
Posted on April 30 , 2017 by ryan795 1 I don 't know how long I stayed there for . I don 't know what I was doing , or waiting for , but I just needed to sit by him and cry . I thought about everything that died with him . Our son having a father , me having a husband , us giving Aspen the best childhood we possibly could . I lost growing old with the one that I love . I lost everything . Someone had to pay for this . Pepper didn 't deserve to die like this . He was a great person , he deserved to live a long , happy life with me and our son . Someone had to pay for this , and I knew exactly who . This was all his fault . I don 't remember exactly how I got there . The last thing I remembered was putting on a pair of pants , then the rest is blank due to rage . I 'm not sure how I knew exactly where he lived , but as soon as I reached the house I knew I was exactly where I needed to be . There was garbage and scrap metal all over the dead lawn . The place was a dump , its exactly the kind of place you 'd expect the scum of the earth to live . " Hey Hemp , you motherfucker ! " I burst through the front door faster than my mind could process what was happening . I instantly regretted it . This man was dangerous , he had raped the love of my life and murdered one of my closest friends . It was too late now though , so I was probably going to die here . " Shut the fuck up , Jean , this doesn 't involve you . " I snapped at my former friend . I still hated her for how she betrayed all of us . " Don 't you fuckin talk to my wife that way . " That stupid woman next to Jean squealed . She had one of those annoyingly high , squeaky voices that just pierce your brain . It made me even angrier . " I 'm here to make you pay , you fucking asshole ! You raped Pepper , you got him pregnant . He just fucking died while giving birth ! This is all your fucking fault ! " I screamed at him . Tears were streaming down my face . I shoved him hard in the chest . He stumbled backward a little bit , I caught him off guard . " Fuck you , you liar . " He swung at me , but luckily my arms took the majority of the blow . " I never touched your little friend . There 's no way there 's a baby . " " Oh yea ? Then what do you think this is ? " I shouted as I shoved my bloody hands in his face . " This is his blood . It got here when I was helping him deliver , you fucking idiot . " " How do I know you 're not lying to me ? How do I know you didn 't just murder her and now you 're trying to shove the blame on me ? " He yelled back . I punched him . As hard as I could . He struck a nerve with that . Misgendering Pepper , and accusing me of killing him , made me want to kill Hemp . I wanted to bash his face in . " You 're a piece of shit . You are scum , garbage . You are nothing , and I hope you fucking die . " I spat in his face , before punching him again . I was completely blinded with rage . I was taking all of my anger out on his face . Rightfully so though , he was the reason I was completely alone in this world . He 'd taken everything from me , and I wanted to take everything from him . Even if that meant taking his life . " Thorn , stop ! Don 't kill him ! " Jean 's voice snapped me out of it . I looked down at his face , which now just looked like a bloody mess . The reality of what I 'd done sunk in . My chest felt heavy and tight , and I felt like I was going to puke . I had beaten a man within inches of his life . He was breathing , though it was heavy and I could hear him gurgling on his blood . If they didn 't get him to a hospital soon , he 'd probably die . " Fuck you . " I spat on his body . " Rot in hell , you piece of shit . " I turned to Jean and her wife . " And fuck you too . This all happened because of you . We were there for you when you had no one , and now Rose and Pepper are dead . This is on you . " The walk back to the house was long and terrifying . I took backstreets to avoid being seen , just in case they had called the police on me . I doubted it , considering all the drugs they had in that house . But still , I was extra cautious . I had to drag my feet up the stairs . I didn 't want to go back up there , but I didn 't have a choice . Aspen was up there , I couldn 't leave him . I 'd already left him alone for too long . Maybe I wasn 't cracked up to be a father . I came up the stairs and collapsed into the armchair . I started to sob . How did my life get like this ? How did I get here ? I 'd lost everyone I 'd ever loved , I owned nothing , and I was homeless . All I had was me , and now this baby . For a moment , I figured it would be easier to drop him at the hospital . Let him get adopted and have a good life . And me , well I 'd just go jump off a cliff . I 'd be better off anyway . My suicidal thoughts were pushed aside when Aspen started to cry . That cry awoke something inside of me , it gave me hope . Maybe things weren 't so bad after all . I mean , this baby was half Pepper . I still had a little piece of him to hold close to me . I gently picked him up off the bed . My fingers were still bloody , with both Pepper 's and now Hemp 's blood . I tried my best not to get my fingers on Aspen 's body . I didn 't want to get him sick or anything . My knowledge of babies was minimal , so this was going to be an adventure . " Shh , it 's okay . " I pulled him close to my chest . He immediately stopped crying . My heart soared . I felt like he loved me . I loved him , and I wanted to give him the best life possible . It took a few days to get to where I wanted to go . I 'd been saving up some money to get something nice for Pepper and the baby when he was born , but I didn 't need that anymore . I used that money to get a subway pass . It was very useful , I had to take a million different trains to get from the valley to Bridgeport . I picked Bridgeport because this town is where my grandmother ended up after leaving Sunset Valley . It was also the town she met my grandfather in , and maybe , just maybe , this is where my grandfather and my father were living now . Bridgeport is also a town known for its entertainment business , and I assumed I might be able to find a job and a place to stay here . It was worth a shot . I was exhausted . I 'd barely slept in days . I was more focused on making sure Aspen was fed and dry . I needed to rest for a while . Across from the subway station was a park . When I arrived in Sunset Valley , I ended up in a park . That was where I met Pepper . Out of nostalgia , heartbreak , and exhaustion , I decided to rest in the park , just like I did back then . Gently , I put Aspen down on the bench . My arms were sore from holding him for days . I sat down next to him , put my face in my hands , and started to cry . I 'd been crying on and off on the Subway , but only in little bits when I absolutely needed to . I hadn 't given myself a chance to actually cry . It felt so good . It felt like all of my emotions were bottled up , and now I was pouring them out through my eyes . I still felt completely devastated and heartbroken , but at least I had a way to get those emotions out . Posted on April 23 , 2017 by ryan795 4 The longer Pepper 's pregnancy went on , the less he wanted to talk about it . He ignored the cravings , the aches , and the pains . He pretended everything was fine , but I knew he wasn 't . It seemed like he thought if he ignored it , the issue would go away . At first I couldn 't really figure out what was bothering him so much about all of this . But then I realized , duh , he 's dysphoric about being a pregnant guy . So , I did my best to comfort him . I didn 't tell him about finding my father 's wife 's contact information . Part of me was too scared to actually meet the man , I was afraid he wouldn 't live up to my expectations . Another part of me didn 't want him to think we just wanted handouts from him . I wanted to meet him because I wanted a relationship with him , not because I wanted money . But I was afraid it wouldn 't come off that way . I was also afraid that Pepper would think I was a coward for not wanting to contact my dad or ask him for help . I was afraid he would be mad at me for being too prideful to reach out and tell him I needed assistance . He would ask me about it every so often , and I 'd tell him I hadn 't found anything yet . I hated lying to him . I didn 't want to but I didn 't want to tell him how I was feeling about everything ; especially considering how he was handling everything in his own life right now . " Hey , babe ? " I spoke to him but he didn 't reply . Most likely , he was asleep . I shook him gently , trying to wake him up . He made a grunting noise , and adjusted his position . " Hey , Pepper . " I said , while shaking him again . " I was thinking , maybe tomorrow we can go out ? Leave early in the morning and just spend a day together , not cooped up inside . Would you like that ? " I asked gently . " I know you don 't want to think about the baby much , Pepper , but I think this is a good idea . " I handed my boyfriend a baby - name book and sat down on the couch with one of my own . " Wanna sit ? " " I 'll stand , I 've been sitting for months . " He laughed . " I don 't know about this Thorn . Maybe we shouldn 't name it , and just leave it at the fire station . One of those safe surrender things ? " " Boy , I don 't know anything about girls really . " I laughed . " Even though I was forced to grow up as one , I know nothing about them . " " Same , I was an only child , and only grew up with guy friends . Never really been around girls much , well besides … " He trailed off . I decided to keep the conversation going , not dwelling on that . " We 've still got a little time , I would think . We can think about it . " He turned a few pages in his own book . " Now for a boy ? " " That 's a pretty badass name . " I chuckled . " But , I think Pepper is cooler . " I added quickly so I wouldn 't upset him . We both put our books down at the same time . I jumped up off the couch and hugged him . We 'd found a name for our baby . " I know . I 've been so dysphoric about this whole thing , but I 've never really thought about after . I 'm so excited to be a dad with you . " He hugged me tighter , pushing his bump right into my stomach . " I love you Thorn , we 're gonna make this work . I 'm so excited for our future together . " He kissed me softly on the lips . " I love you too . We 're gonna be the best dads ever , I promise you things are going to get better for us . " I decided I was going to contact my dad 's wife . I wasn 't going to tell him yet though , that would be a surprise for another time . " I really hope so . Aspen deserves the best . " He smiled , and I smiled back . I would make sure our kid really did have the best . Pepper and I spent the rest of the day at the library , just being lovey - dovey , and probably very annoying to the other people in the library . We read books , played with the kids toys , and just talked about our plans . It was perfect . It finally felt Pepper was pulling out of his depression . I hoped I could keep him that way . " I did too . I 'm gonna spend more time with you instead of wallowing in self pity . I 'm gonna make sure of it . " He gave me a slight squeeze . " I know . I won 't always be as happy as I was today , and we 're not gonna have much time together after the baby comes , but still . I 'm gonna try harder . " " No , " he grabbed my arm as I started to get off the bed . " we can 't go to the hospital . We don 't have insurance and they 'll definitely recognize you there . " I got off the bed and he moved towards the edge . " Are you sure ? You can go in and I 'll come back here . I 'll check back in every day until you 're ready to come back . We can make it work . " " Oh , right . I forgot , you were super sheltered . You don 't know anything about this , this 'll be a fun experience . " He chuckled as he moved himself to the floor . " This is happening really fast . " He admitted , with some fear coming through his voice . He grabbed his sweatpants and tore a hole in the crotch . " I can 't move enough to get them fully off , I 'm gonna have to do this with them on . " He panted . He started to push . And he kept pushing . I 've never seen anything like it , it was gross as hell . I struggled to keep myself from throwing up . " I feel a little light headed . That 's probably normal . I just need to lay down . " He sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me . " Are you sure ? Do you need anything ? A pillow , some water ? " I asked , trying to be helpful . And maybe get myself away from this for a second . " No , no I 'm okay . " He told me , then continued pushing . He didn 't look good , he looked like he was gonna pass out . " Keep pushing ! " I told him excitedly , I could see the baby 's head . This didn 't seem so gross or scary now , it was more exciting than anything . He kept pushing , with each push the baby came out a little more . It was incredible . I grabbed the head in my hands , so it wouldn 't fall and I could guide it out safely . " You 're doing great babe . " I told Pepper , and he gave me a grunt in response . He continued to push out the baby without further comment . A tiny , green little boy came out with a few more pushes . I grabbed a random t - shirt and wrapped him in it . " Pepper , we 're got a little boy . " I told him excitedly , but stopped as soon as I looked at him again . I quickly moved the baby from the puddle of blood to the bed . " Fuck . " I said aloud , to no one but myself really . I quickly pushed my hand onto his privates , trying to find where the bleeding was . " I - I don 't … " His voice trailed off , his eyes rolled back in his head and he fell back . The blood between his legs slowed to a trickle . " No , no , no , no , no . " I crawled through the blood to Pepper 's side . " Babe , wake up . C ' mon , we 've got a baby now . You need to wake up . " I shook him , but he was completely limp . I grabbed his wrist , there was no pulse . He wasn 't breathing . Posted on March 14 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply " Thorn , what are we doing here ? " My boyfriend , Pepper , latched onto my arm as we walked out to the beach . It had been a few days since we found out he was pregnant . He was understandably upset , he 'd been in bed for days . So , I decided that getting him out of the house for a bit would be beneficial . Though he didn 't seem to be very enthused by it , I still knew it was good for him . " We needed some fresh air , love . And besides , its so nice out tonight . " I could only take him out in the night time , it was the safest time for us to sneak in and out of the house . " It 's the middle of the night , and this is the good part of town . No one will even know we were here . " I knew what he was thinking . He was worried about Hemp finding us . But I don 't think he 'd ever even set foot in the good part of town . We were fine . " No , I get that . I mean why are you staying with me ? We haven 't been dating that long , you don 't have to stay and have this burden put onto you . " " Pepper , we 've been friends for years . You took me in when I was scared and traumatized . You gave me a family . That 's something that I never had . " I smiled softly , remembering all the good times we had with Rose and Jean . " It 's just us now , but that doesn 't change anything , we 're still family . And this baby ? This baby is our baby . No one else 's . " " I love you too . " I told him . My hands found his head and I crashed our lips together . It felt like no matter how hard I kissed him in that moment , it wasn 't hard enough . " So ? You 're an incredible man , you didn 't need a father figure to get you to this point . You 'll be great . " He told me , though I wasn 't so sure he was right . Pepper laid down between my legs and gently kissed me on the lips . " I don 't think I 'd be able to get through this without you . I don 't know what I 'd do . " When I came across Honey 's social media accounts , I found a picture that immediately piqued my interest . It was of a woman , who I am assuming is Honey , sitting on the lap of a man . He had orange hair , and the same bright green eyes as I did . From what I saw on the television , this man had to be my father . This woman looked like she was close with him . She had many pictures of him on her profile , I could only assume that this woman was his girlfriend or wife . My father didn 't have a profile himself , he wasn 't tagged in anything but I found out his name through her posts . My body carried me to the library phone faster than my mind could think . I hesitated when I got to it , though . Was I ready for this ? To finally talk to my father ? Did he know about me ? Did he want to know about me ? Would he want me in his life , or was he not around for a reason ? My hands started to shake as I contemplated . I looked down at the phone number , scrawled messily across a scrap of paper . This number could change everything . " Nothing really . " I lied . I couldn 't tell him yet , I was too cowardly to reach out and I didn 't want him to think less of me . " You 're such a cheeseball . " Pepper chuckled to himself . " But really , you don 't have to stay here with me . Actually , both of us should be out there . We need to find jobs . " " I think it 's the hub of all things media . Music , film , television , video games . All of it . It sounds like an awesome place to visit . " " Would you want to live there ? I know its expensive , but if we find your dad maybe he could help . You could go to school and become a video game developer like you wanted . I could grow a garden , sell the excess , and raise our baby . It would be perfect . " He looked away from me nervously . " Of course . " I pulled myself into a sitting position at the headboard . " You mean the world to me , and Starlight Shores would be an amazing place to raise our family . It 's a dream come true . " I smiled as he laid on my lap . " Being with you is a dream come true . " Pepper grabbed my face and pulled me down to look at him . I rolled my eyes at his cheesy - ness . Posted on March 9 , 2017 by ryan795 2 Pepper fell asleep not long after we finished . I dressed him while he slept , he was so exhausted he didn 't even twitch , let alone wake up . For myself , I dug through the old dresser and found a sweater to wear with my boxers . He looked so peaceful in his sleep . It was as if every problem in his mind was washed away when he closed his eyes . I was glad . Pepper deserved to have some peace . The past twenty - four hours were stressful . I hoped he wouldn 't regret what we did . It was emotional , and kind of a heat of the moment thing , but it meant so much to me . He meant so much to me . I couldn 't stand to lose that now . He was all I had . My thumb traced his cheekbone softly . I wanted to protect him . So far , I hadn 't done such a good job of that . Because of me , Hemp was able to do awful things to him . I wouldn 't let it happen again , I wouldn 't let him get away with it . Life with Pepper as my boyfriend was amazing . Even though the house had no electricity , we had to sneak in and out , and occasionally hide when someone came , it was perfect . We were living in domestic bliss . He cooked , I cleaned , and it was paradise . Sure , sometimes we had our moments where we broke down and cried , considering everything that had happened the past few months . But things were good right now . Pepper was an incredible cook . He made me all sorts of things , things he grew up eating and things of his own creation . Cooking was a passion of his , second only to gardening . He had to leave his garden behind at the park so he threw himself into cooking for me . I hoped someday I could give him a huge garden , one he can only dream of right now . " Well , you 're here and they 're not . " I teased . Pepper rolled his eyes at me . " And you 're real , not photo - shopped . " I got up from my chair and came up behind him . " Don 't say that , that 's not true at all . You know that . You 're as much of a guy as they are . " " It doesn 't feel like it . Sometimes when I look in the mirror , it 's like there 's a stranger standing there . " He explained as he leaned back into my body . " I know . I feel the same way sometimes . But it won 't always be like that . We 're gonna do this , and we 're gonna do it together . " " I mean it , Pepper . " I pulled back after a few seconds . " We 're gonna do this . You and me , against the world . We 're gonna transition and we 're gonna be happy . " Occasionally during the day , I would go to the library and do some research . Some days it would be trans related things , but other days I would be looking for my father . One day , after about three months of living in the house , I found something . " Babe , what could possibly make me mad at you ? " I approached the bed slowly , so I wouldn 't set him off . " Can I sit ? " " Talk to me , please . I 'm here for you . " I sat across from him and gave him a supportive smile . I was getting better at this comforting stuff . " Y - you know how I - I told you about h - how Hemp d - did things to me ? " He averted my eye contact by staring at his knees . My heart wrenched . How could I forget ? " He - he raped me . " Pepper whispered , so softly I would 've missed it if a car drove by . Pepper had implied it , but to actually hear him say it was something else entirely . I felt a rage burn through my chest . " I 'm not angry at you , love . " I softened my voice despite the fire of hatred coursing through my veins . I was going to make this man pay , no matter what . Pepper wouldn 't say much to me after that . He just sobbed . Deep , soul crushing sobs . I told him I 'd run to the store and grab him a test , so we could be sure . I went as fast as I could without looking suspicious . Though it had been a while , and my mother had been thrown from her throne , I still had to look out . I had to admit , I was terrified . There was no way we could raise a baby here . There was no electricity , we could be found out any day , it just wasn 't safe . But we had no money . There was one place we could go , but I 'd have to run that by Pepper first . Also , I was worried about Pepper 's mental health . How would he feel , raising his rapist 's baby ? Could he do it ? Would he want to do it ? Or would he want to give the baby up ? Would he be able to handle being a pregnant guy ? I wasn 't sure if I could handle something like that , it seemed like it would cause too much dysphoria . I watched Pepper as he sat there , staring at the little plastic stick in his hand . Tears still ran silently down his face , but he wasn 't sobbing anymore . From what little I knew about pregnancy tests , I knew it wasn 't showing results yet . He was just staring at it , and it was impossible for me to read what he was thinking . " It 's positive ! I 'm fucking pregnant . " He started to cry even harder than he had been . " What am I going to do ? It 's been months , it 's too late now to abort . I can 't raise a baby . Not here . Oh god . What am I gonna do ? " I stood up and gently pulled him off the toilet . " Of course I 'm going to stay with you . You 're strong as hell and we 're gonna make the best damn dads . " " We can 't raise a baby here , Thorn . We don 't even have enough money to support ourselves , let alone a child . " He clutched onto my shoulders for dear life . " I found out my father is still alive . I saw him , in a video . The coronation of the new kings , he was there and he 's alive . " I told him what had excited me so much earlier in the day . Jean and her girlfriend tailed me for a while , but weaving in and out of backyards and trees helped me lose them . It didn 't take me long to find the house Rose had been talking about not long ago . It had probably only been an hour , but it felt like a lifetime had passed . The house was a shabby two story , surrounded by disgusting muck filled ponds . All the lights were off , so I figured there was no electricity . It was perfect . They wouldn 't look here . They 'd look for a ' dream home . ' The old , warped door was unlocked and easily swung open with one push . As soon as I was safely in the house , I fell to my knees . It was too much . Too much had happened in such a short amount of time . My brain felt like mush trying to process it . I couldn 't think straight , the only things playing through my mind was the sound the knife made as it left Rose 's body , and the fear in Pepper 's voice as he yelled for me to run . One of my closest friends was dead , killed right in front of me . The other … I had no idea . There was no way to know if Pepper would make it out alive . Hemp could be doing things to him … terrible things . I didn 't want to think of all the possibilities . All I wanted to do was sleep . My body was drained , both physically and mentally . The stairs were too far away and too much of a task while in this state . The closest thing was a chair . I barely had enough strength to get myself to it . When I pulled myself into a comfortable sitting position , I couldn 't help but let my mind wander . Pepper , he had saved me . He sacrificed himself , for me . He willingly let that creep have him , so I could get away . He put himself in the arms of a man who killed the only other person who meant something to us , all to save my life . He was my hero . " Yea , it 's me . " His voice was shaky , but I could tell he was trying to hold himself together for me . When I opened my eyes , I saw him . His face was beaten , bloody and broken . His hands were covered in blood . " It was awful . " He sobbed . burying his face in his blood - stained hands . His shoulders bounced up and down , and I didn 't know what to do . I never really had to be the comforter before . " He did t - things to me . To me , a - and Rose . " He managed to choke out between sobs . What he was implying shook me to my core , and I knew I didn 't need to hear any more . Somehow , I managed to drag us both to our feet . I wrapped Pepper in my arms , and just let him cry . He gripped me tight , his bloody hands clutching my t - shirt as if it were the edge of a cliff . We pulled each other as close as physically possible . Any more and we would 've been conjoined . " Rose 's . I - I tried to save her . When they left . But s - she 's gone . " He balled my shirt in his hands . I shouldn 't have asked . " But there 's no one else 's arms I 'd rather be in right now . " He mumbled so softly I almost missed it . My heart fluttered for a second , but I scolded myself . Now was not the time . " Pepper , lets go to bed , okay ? We need some sleep , we can clean you up in the morning . " I suggested . We were both exhausted from the stress . It was still dark when I woke up . I wasn 't sure if it was because it was still dark outside , or because the grimy windows wouldn 't let light through . But I didn 't mind either way . We didn 't have any obligations right now . And , it felt really nice to have Pepper in my arms . Him sacrificing himself to help me get away made me realize that I had feelings for him . He was always there for me , he was sweet , charming , easy to talk to and easy to relate to . How could I not have feelings for him ? I smiled to myself , reveling in the thought of the two of us together . I must 've moved or something , because Pepper started to wake up . As soon as he realized he was clutching onto me with his still - bloodied hands , he freaked out . " Oh god , I 'm sorry . " Pepper pulled himself away and sat up quickly . " I shouldn 't be touching you , I don 't want to get you dirty . " " I 'm still sorry . Did I make you uncomfortable ? With the , y ' know ? " He gestured to the bed , referring to the cuddling . " Not in the slightest . But , you should go wash up . You don 't want any of your cuts to get infected . " I told him . " I 'll go see if this place has running water . " He jumped off the bed and made his way towards the bathroom . " Will you be okay here alone ? " He asked me , the concern in his voice apparent . " I 'll be fine , don 't worry about me , wash up . " I shooed him away as nicely as I could . I got a slight smile from him as he made his way to the bathroom . " Hey . " My breath hitched in my throat when Pepper exited the bathroom . While he was in there , I found a candle and now the light was illuminating his body in the best way . My heart felt like it was about to leap of of my chest . " Yes I did . If I hadn 't , you would 've gone through so much worse . " He squeezed me tighter . " I don 't want you to have to go back there . " " You can be so dense sometimes . " He chuckled , before pushing his lips onto mine . It was the best kiss of my life , though I didn 't have much to compare it too . He was soft , his lips moved so nicely with mine . It was as if it were meant to be this way . The cold weather was fast approaching , so Pepper , Rose and I were trying to make the most of the few days we had left to sleep outside . When it started to grow colder , we 'd have to move our bags into the bathroom to stay warmer . The floors in there were disgusting , so we 'd try to prolong it as much as we could . Things were tense between all of us though . Rose was going out tomorrow to start doing sex work , and Pepper was not happy about it . He didn 't want her to get hurt . I was neutral on the situation , I knew it was dangerous but it felt like our best shot at getting out of here . " So , guys , " Rose chimed in after a few moments of silence . " I found this great little swamp house , its kind of a mess . But its super cheap and in a few months we 'd be able to afford it . What do you think ? " Rose bit her lip nervously . " She has a point , dude . A shitty roof is better than no roof . " I offered . Sure , it didn 't sound like a castle but it would be much warmer than this . " I guess , yea . Is it safe ? Like is there mold or anything ? And will we have time before someone wants to buy it ? " Pepper asked , rapidly firing each question like a gun . " Alright , I 'm in . " Pepper agreed reluctantly . I could tell he wasn 't thrilled with the idea , but I think we all wanted a roof over our heads . " Where you at , Clementine ? " He yelled angrily . " I know you 're here . " The man taunted . I looked nervously at my friends , unsure what to do . " Come on out , Princess . " " Thanks , doll . " The man named Hemp thanked her , his tone reminding me of my step - father . There footsteps quickly approached our hiding spot behind the building . My heart pounded , my body froze . I had no idea what to do . Rose whimpered , which broke me out of my frozen state . I jumped up , fists balled , ready to take on whoever was coming over here . My mind told me I was no where near strong enough to take on anyone over the age of twelve , but my adrenaline rush made me ignore it . I had to protect my family . " Well , well , well . " The man named Hemp finally came into view . He spoke slowly , tauntingly . Like a predator playing with it 's prey . Behind him , Jean stood with her arm draped lazily over a pretty girl 's shoulders . Jean had a sly smile on her face , and I instantly knew this was her doing . " Oh my darling , Clementine . " The man smirked . The use of my old name made me ball my fists . I 'd always hated that name , but it sounded even more vile coming from his lips . " Mmm , you haven 't heard ? You 're a very wanted woman . " He knew he was pushing my buttons , I could tell by his amused expression . My fists were balled so hard , my nails digging hard into my palms . I thought I 'd draw blood , but I wouldn 't let him see how his words effected me . " Do you know how wanted you are ? The person who returns you to the queen gets five million , and your hand in marriage . " My face dropped . I didn 't know this . He knew I didn 't know this . That sick fuck was enjoying every last minute of this . " Oh yea ? Good luck getting me back there . I 'm not going without a fight . " I balled my fists harder , though I felt like a toddler trying to fight a tiger . " Fuck off Hemp . Leave him alone . " Rose jumped up and flung herself in front of me . " He 's not going anywhere with anyone but us . If you want him , you 'll have to get through me . " " Shut the fuck up , Rock . You couldn 't fight me if you tried . You 've always been a little sissy ass bitch . " He smirked , he really got off on using our dead names . " Oh really ? Did you think I was a sissy ass bitch when you fucked me in the locker room in eleventh grade ? " Rose retorted . Hemp 's eyes flashed with anger , and I knew this wasn 't going to end well . " Fuck you , queer ! That shit never happened . " He screamed as he lunged towards Rose . His fist connected with her face , a loud thud echoing through the mountains around us . Rose landed on the ground , her hands taking the brunt of her fall . " Never , once was enough . You 're too small for me . " Rose spat something out on the ground , it looked like a tooth covered in blood . " You little faggot ! " Hemp pulled his knife from his waist and crouched down over Rose . For a split second , she looked up at me and we made eye contact . Her expression was urging me to do something , but I knew she didn 't want me to help her . She wanted me to run . Rose looked back at her attacker , not a single trace of fear in her face . " Kill me if you want , but just know you can 't enjoy five million dollars while in prison . " She spat at him . " I won 't go to prison , dumbass . No one cares about a queer like you . You 're nothing . Besides , I 'll be a fucking prince . I 'll be above the damn law . " He gave her that creepy little smirk , just before plunging the knife into her stomach and twisting it . " What 're you going to do about it , Pansy ? " He pulled the knife from Rose 's side with a sickening squelch . He stood over her body carelessly , as if she weren 't even a person . " I 'll fight you , motherfucker . To the death , if I have to . Though , I 'd prefer if it were your death . " Pepper taunted back . I 'd never seen him like this . He was so fierce , so protective . It ignited something in me . " Mmm , maybe not . " A creepy smile slowly slid across his face . He dropped the knife , it bounced off Rose and landed somewhere in the grass . " I 've got bigger plans for you , Pansy . " " Fine , take me . Let Thorn go . I 'll do whatever you want . " He dropped his tough guy demeanor . I had no idea what he was doing , and it scared me . Part of me knew he was about to do something stupid . But , on the other hand , my heart soared at the fact that he 'd sacrifice himself for me . Hemp pounced at Pepper , swinging his large arm towards my friend 's face . Pepper was faster though , and was able to duck . But in some freaky , martial arts looking move , Hemp swung Pepper around and grabbed him roughly by the waist . " Find Rose 's dream house , Thorn ! I 'll meet you there . " Pepper screamed after me . I didn 't exactly know where I was going , but I was about to find out . During the year after I left home , not much changed . Our group of four had become three , Jean left when she turned eighteen . One morning we woke up and she was gone . Pepper thinks she ran off to join a vampire gang . It doesn 't sound like something Jean would do , but I guess it was the only explanation we could really come up with . Now that we were all eighteen , we needed a plan . We couldn 't stay in the park forever . Our days were spent planning out what we would do , or job searching . It wasn 't easy , not a lot of places were interested in hiring homeless transgender people . " Guys , we 're running out of options here . " Rose sighed after one of our million brainstorming sessions . " I think it 's time for desperate measures . " " Pepper . You can 't shelter me forever . It 's dangerous , I know , but I can handle myself . We need the money . " Rose argued , turning to him . " I agree that it 's dangerous and I wouldn 't want you selling yourself on the streets like that . I would hate it if something happened to you . But , we really do need the money and that pays really well . I don 't think we need to result to that just yet though , I think we can wait and try a little more before we go there . " I offered , hoping I didn 't piss either one of them off . " Thorn , would you really want Rose going out and doing that with randos who could kill her ? Things aren 't exactly great for us trans people . " Pepper crossed his arms . " I know . It 's dangerous . But it could also get us out of this situation . It wouldn 't be permanent . Just until we can get a place , then we can actually apply for real jobs . " It wasn 't exactly a perfect plan , but it could work . " I think that 's a good idea . " Rose agreed . " I wouldn 't do it forever , Pepper . Just for a little bit . Wouldn 't you want to have a place to stay ? An actual bed , with real , warm food ? " " I mean , I guess . I just don 't think it 's worth risking your life . " He sighed . " But I guess I can 't stop you . " " I know . But I want to get us off the streets . As soon as we have a stable place and jobs , I want to help you track down your father . " " Wait , really ? " I was stunned . I knew she was interested in my family , but I didn 't think she 'd actually be interested in tracking my father down . " What about Hawk ? " I asked , apprehensively . It 'd been a year since I 'd seen him , but I 'd been thinking about him ever since I left . I wondered how he was doing , how he was coping with the loss of his mother and me . " Sure . We 'll have to be careful about it though . We don 't want anyone else from your old life finding you . " She warned . We 'd found out that Aloe had framed me for the murder of Nutmeg , so I was fairly wanted . I wasn 't worried about seeing Hawk though , I knew he 'd trust me over Aloe . " Camera guy , get the hell over here ! We 're on air in one minute ! " I yelled towards the incompetent man we had to hire . After our daughter ran off , our assets had been frozen . We couldn 't access anything if we didn 't have the heir in our custody . " I 'm sorry , your highness . " The squirrely man rushed to the camera to start setting things up . I pinched the bridge of my nose , the stress of trying to get my rightful place back on the throne was exhausting . All of our efforts to get Clementine back to us were for naught . She hadn 't been seen since the night she fled and we were at a standstill . Aloe and I had been given a time limit by the council . We needed Clementine back in our custody before her nineteenth birthday , or else we 'd completely lose our places . We 'd be forced from the castle , dethroned and we 'd have to hand everything over to Stone . I couldn 't imagine the horror that would arise with a gay man in the throne . " Of course . everything we have is riding on this working . I would never forget . " I purred with a smirk . I wouldn 't give up my kingdom without a fight . " Hello , this is Queen Ginger Fae , along with my husband , King Aloe Fae . We 're here to speak about my daughter , Clementine . She is still missing . It 's been a year now since the disappearance of my daughter . All I want is for her to be brought home . I just want to see my baby again , to hold her in my arms . Please , if you have any information , let us know . " I faked a sad expression . " As a little more incentive to find my daughter , we 're upping the reward money . Instead of a million , we will now offer the person who brings her back to us five million dollars . And , if you 're a young , suitable male , I will give you my daughter 's hand in marriage . Making you next in line for the throne . So please , bring her back to me . " I gripped the edges of my podium , trying to look like a grieving mother , not a woman protecting her throne . " Thank you . I really hope we can bring my daughter home . Clementine , if you 're watching this , you 're not in any trouble baby . We know you only did what you did out of self defense . We promise , if you come home , we 'll give you whatever you want . " I promised , emptily of course . As soon as she was returned to me , she 'd be locked away until I could arrange a marriage . " Thank you everyone , that is all for today . I am looking forward to seeing my daughter again . " I bowed my head and the camera lights shut off . " I do . Five million dollars and a chance at the throne is too much for anyone to pass up . Anyone out there who knows where she is will bring her back to us . We just have to be patient my dear . " He grabbed my hand and gave me a reassuring squeeze . " You 're right , I 'm sorry . My beautiful queen . " He gently pulled my hand towards his again . He gave me a small kiss on the back of my hand and I couldn 't help but grin . A / N : I am so sorry for the long break , this year has been hell for me . I went through some stuff , but I 'm in a really great place now . I have great friends , an amazing job , and I 'm starting college in the spring . I finally feel ready to jump back into this legacy full - force . I hope I still have readers out there , and if I do , thank you so much for being so patient and I really hope you enjoyed the chapter ! |
I heard a commercial on the radio at work announcing " Doodlebops LIVE ! Get your tickets today ! " so I called my sister , becasue she 's always saying how she would loooove to take Little man to one of their shows since he likes them so much . She told me to find out how much the tickets were , and to call her back . $ 80 . EIGHTY DOLLARS PER PERSON to see these annoying ass human / puppets LIVE ! and that 's only the price for tickets in the third balcony section ( AKA almost nosebleed seats ) , not even the floor section which is where all the action is , where the kids have room to jump and dance along . They didn 't have prices listed for the floor section , which I guess is better off because the $ 80 was enough to send me straight to the little red X in the corner . . . I called my sister and told her to forget about it , I wasn 't going to let her pay that much to take him to a freakin ' show . . . we 'll keep them on t . v thanks . It 's interesting ( read : funny ) to watch someone who doesn 't have children interact with kids . Blondie had a few clients coming in and her husband was too far to pick her son up from school and watch him while she had the meeting , so she brought him to the office hoping he would sit quietly while she had these papers signed . Ha . He 's six , and the fact that he 's a BOY ( read : active and unable to sit still ) well , it wasn 't going to happen . The Shitter is in the office ( as always ) and he does not have children . He is married to a crabby old lady ( probably why he 's always here bugging me ) and they have three cats together , more than enough for them . The Shitter is trying to entertain the six year old . . . by giving him Real Estate books to read . . . Ha . The Shitter really asked the kid if he wanted to learn spanish . The kid asked him if HE knew spanish , The Shitter says " No , but I thought you could teach yourself by reading a spanish Real Estate book . " HA . The kid was going to put a book away , and The Shitter tried telling him where it went , and the kid ( like every other kid in the world ) couldn 't find where it went , The Shitter got all frustrated at the fact that the kid didn 't listen the first time , and as he tried to explain to the kid where to put the book you could hear his voice getting a little louder and shaky . . . HA ! Right now the kid is sitting quietly in Beantown 's office playing on the computer , while The Shitter is probably rocking himself back to sanity in the corner of his own office . . . We have discovered that my son is allergic to peanut butter . Did you all just picture the sheer bloatedness of a two - year olds face when they eat something they are allergic to ? Because it 's a horrible sight , let me tell you . At the age of one , because my mother is an old - school mom and doesn 't give a shit what docs say ( " I gave you peanut butter when you were three months old and you were fine ! " ) my mother gave my son a peanut butter sandwich . And he was fine . I told her never to give it to him again if I wasn 't around , or I 'd have to kick her in the knees . She might have listened , I 'm not sure . I do know she gave him Nutter Butters , ( which I love ) and still , nothing . So yay ! My son wasn 't allergic to peanut butter ! Then one day when he was still with the old babysitter , she gave him a cookie when we were walking out , and he seemed to swell a bit after the cookie . I gave him benadryl and he was cleared up in seconds . I called the babysitter to ask her what kind of cookie it was , she said it was a homemade peanut butter cookie . There was one day I made my son a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because that was what his daddy was eating for lunch , he took one bite and spit it out . He wouldn 't eat the sandwich . Another day we were at my sister 's house , and she eats peanut butter off a spoon , something she has done since she was a kid . ( Households having peanut butter and no bread to put it on . . . ) My son asked for a lick . We got into the car and headed out for a drive , and in the car my son 's head grew three sizes . You already know the phonecalls to the doctor that were made , the quick stop at the pharmacy for benadryl because I wasn 't carrying it with me . . . the waiting for the swelling to go down , the guilt my sister felt . Ten minutes later he was fine , sleeping from being doped up . So no peanut butter for my son . But here 's the weird thing , he isn 't allergic to peanuts , or any nuts for that matter . It must be something IN the peanut butter . My husband was eating a cookie that had walnuts in it , gave the boy a bite ( okay lPosted by I hate not being at work on Mondays , it screws up my whole week . Daddy was up all night Sunday night thinking he was going to throw up . . . he never did . We wasted a day at home . . . On Saturday we did get to the car wash to wash his new beloved . It was a gorgeous day out , so we called Friend and her family , we went to have breakfast and then on to the car wash . . . where Daddy and Little Man gave Daddy 's new mistress some shine . That 's Daddy 's car . We call it the Christmas Tree because of the ' different ' color scheme it 's got going . . . This is the car that Little Man loves being in . He has literally cried real tears because I don 't go and pick him up at daycare with the Tree . Now that I 'm only driving the Tree , he is content , though he did make sure to tell me the other day " Mommy , I like your car . But I loooove Daddy 's car . " Daddy couldn 't have been more proud . Oh , I haven 't mentioned that I haven 't even driven my own car yet , huh ? Yeah , the day after everything was checked and the car was finally registered and insured Selfish calls that her car broke down and she was wondering if she could borrow one of our cars for a ' couple of days ' while her car was in the shop . . . it 's been eight days . EIGHT ! Daddy says he 's about to let her borrow the Tree just so we can get to drive my car , I tell him not to worry about it . I 'm going to have plenty of time to drive my car . . . but still , dude . . . arghhhhhhh . So yeah - those pictures were taken with my new toy . Nice huh ? I haven 't taken too many pictures yet , I 'm still getting to know my new baby . . . but they 'll be coming . You guys will be sick of pictures by next month , watch . ( Sorry Mamalee and Tuesday , it 's not the rabbit ! LOL ! ) I got me a brand spankin ' new digital camera ! So you 're all going to be flooded with pictures whether you like it or not , because this shiny new toy of mine is going to be over used throughout the summer to catch up with all the stuff I been missing because of my stupid camera phone . Daddy knows I 've been wanting a digital for some time now , and I think he might have felt bad when I told him I was probably the LAST human on earth to not have a digital . . . so last night ( he felt better when I got home from work , yay ! ) he looks at me and said " You want to go camera shopping ? " My eyes must have glazed over , he laughed at me . Everytime we go into a store with digitals I go and lust after them , testing them out , touching them , getting a feel for them . And I always have to put them back down , wipe my drool and walk away because the people start looking at me funny . . . I couldn 't have packed Little Man 's diaper bag any faster . Into the store we walked , with reinforcements - my Friend , her husband and demon child , and one of Daddy 's friends who is an expert at these types of purchases . . P . works building computers and such things so he can get me the scoop on what these greedy salespeople won 't tell me . Yes , it became a family affair . You can 't make important purchases like this without back - up . . . When I finally got MY CAMERA into my hands I knew it was the one . 7 . 1 megapixels , 10 second video with audio ( more with an upgraded memory card ) and all this other stuff that is really chinese to me , but . P . tells me are good things . ( Hey , if it can take a nice picture , I 'm good ! ) So we look at the box and the paper that tells us everything that comes with the camera and we are satisfied that it is now MY CAMERA ! Of course you know there is a bad side to all of this . . . Isn 't there always ? ? ? The memory card didn 't come with the camera . We had gone to the store at 8 : 30 , just before they closed , so by the time we got home and opened the box ( which very clearly says the memory card is INSIDEPosted by Daddy is sick , too , now . Last time Little man was sick , he was sick , too . It 's a conspiracy , I tell you . Daddy has a cold , though , and felt his throat hurting him this morning . I called him out of work and told him to keep his behind in bed . Little Man didn 't wanna stay home . Says a lot about my house huh ? LOL ! Last night I went to Wally World to get some essentials ( and vitamin C . I " M NOT GETTING SICK ! ) and by the time I got home , they were both sound asleep . It was seven o ' clock . So now I had no one to cook dinner for , no one to bug me . So I started to wipe the house with Lysol ( I AM NOT GETTING SICK ! ) Daddy got up to drink some medicine and sat on the ( other ) couch ( away from me I AM NOT GETTING SICK ! ) to watch some t . v with me . I fell asleep by nine . Little Man slept through the night , so I couldn 't give him any meds last night , so the fun antibiotic was started this morning . I put it in his milk , because it is not flavored and I stupidly forgot to ask the technician to flavor it . . . even though he should have thought to ask me when he saw the script was for a child . What child actually likes drinking meds ? I didn 't really sleep since Daddy kept getting up to blow his nose . The little sleep I got was filled with bad dreams - why is it that when you 're dead tired you get the worst dreams that exhaust you even more ? ( Edited to add - the dream I remember the most was when the girlfriend of a friend went into the bathroom while Daddy was taking a shower because she wanted to see his penis . She asked him if she could take a picture of it . I woke up wanting to kill her . . . ) Really , I was . And it was by the man who was probably thinking I was an asshole for not taking my own son to his appointment . Last night Little man refused to eat , but not the regular refuse where he wanted something else - not what we were having , he didn 't want anything . Yet , right before bed he had such an explosion in his diaper that I had thought he peed out of his butt . Yep , EEEEWWWWWWW . Right into the bathtub , lots of diaper cream and a temp check . He still got his chocolate milk before bed , and I asked him if he had any boo - boo 's . " No , Mommy . . . " " Does your ear hurt ? " " Yeah . . . " Gotcha . Morning phonecall to doc , " Bring him in at 10 : 45 ! " That girl at the front desk drinks waaaay too much coffee . I called my sister and asked her to bring him , only because Daddy had massive deliveries to make ( it 's spring - lots of people working on their cars now ! ) and I still don 't have my car . Then my son walks into my room with wet pants . Nice . He got stripped and thrown into the shower with Daddy . There 's a nice wet spot on the futon I have to work on later , too . Fun . Apparently when my sister told the doc that I suspected it was another ear infection ( third one this year ! And we 're only in March ! ) he looked in his ears , and guess what ! I was right ! I 'm an outstanding mother when it comes to diagnosing ear infections , but not at anything else . Hmph . More antibiotics to play with . He went back to daycare , he told my sister he wanted to " go to school and play . " Who was she to argue ? He wasn 't running any fevers so he could go to school . . . I used to put my mother through this when I was a kid . Ear infection after strep throat after ear infection . . . . I had tubes put in my ears when I was three or four . I must have passed down the sick gene . So I have found what so many of us are looking for - - - A REAL LIFE FRIEND . Holy hangover batman ! There are humans that like me in person ! She is awesome , we 've been getting together for the past few months , and I haven 't mentioned her because , well , I like her . Usually when I mention someone here is because I don 't like ' em . ( Much like the agents I love , they get no love here . . . ) I can 't even think of a nickname for her . . . so she 'll just be Friend for now . I met her through her husband , who is friends with Daddy . ( Go figure . Couple friends ! ) They have a two - year - old son ! ( We may just be twins ! LOL ! ) Wait for it - this is Daddy 's wet dream - she works in an auto parts store . She likes cars like me ( well , maybe more than me ) and she is funny . So you may already be wondering why she is being mentioned here today . . . And please don 't stone me for this - I don 't like her son . * ducking * Their situation is different , where her hubby stays home with the baby . He had had an accident at his job that caused him to lose vision in one eye , so she works at the parts store and they don 't have to pay daycare because hubby is there . ( Oh , the good life , LOL ! ) So , granted , the kid is attached to his daddy , what boy really isn 't , right ? The thing that I don 't like about the boy is that he is not disciplined . He hits , he throws things , he is just generally the complete opposite of my son . ' Normal two year old behavior ' I have heard from other people , but I 'm not the only one who thinks this little boy is out of control , others have said it . THEY have said it , Friend and her hubby , but they laugh about it . ( Well , they used to . Now they 're getting a little worried . ) We were at their house yesterday , and I couldn 't tell you how many times I had to go get my son away from the other kid . . . I don 't want my son to start picking up on some things this boy does . So I don 't want to give up actual real - life friends who we love just because of their son 's behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WHAT WOULD YOU DO ? * * * Edited to add : Yeah , I know two year olds are two year olds , andPosted by For those that have been here a while , know that Other Admin was ' laid off ' a few months ago , laid off being more that she is on - call when Head Admin or I need a day off , and she works weekends at The Other Office . Times are slow in the Real Estate market , Bossman felt he couldn 't afford to pay her for full - time work . He said he would take her back on full - time as soon as things pick up . We 're still waiting . I think that he chose to lay her off instead of me because I have a child . She is a single 21 - year - old who lives with her mother . Head Admin owns her home and has a car note . Priorities . On Friday when he came to drop off my paycheck , he was scribbling something in his appointment book and casually ( ? ? ? ) mentioned " You better hope this market picks up soon . . . " then he closed his book and walked out . He left me with my eyebrows raised and my heart going a thousand beats a second . I know I 've been paranoid in the past about losing my job , but now he 's just down to me and Head Admin . Head Admin has been with him since he bought the company four or five years ago , and he worked with her at the previous office , so he has history with her . And she knows how to do a lot more than I do , which they have taught me some stuff here and there but nothing to guarrantee my job . I don 't mind . Maybe this is the kick in the pants I need to get me to actually enroll in school and get a degree in something a little more stable . I was talking to Daddy about it , and I mentioned how my father had offered to pay for any classes I wanted to take , wherever , as long as I wasn 't answering someone 's phone for a living . Daddy 's eyebrows raised , mine were already up high ( I don 't think they came down since my bossman said that comment . . . ) . " So maybe I 'll go to school full time . " He made that " Why not ? " face with a shrug of the shoulders . How great our communication is . . . So today I will be researching schools for getting into something medical . Even if I just take a certificate course and become a medical assistant for now , so I won 't be out of workPosted by before I ( possibly ) go home early today . Melissa asked me how the pic day went . I wasn 't going to say anything yet , i wanted to scan the pics and post ' em here , but as far as I hear from the director herself : " Did you know your son is such a ham ? ? ? " Apparently he behaves for photographers if mommy or daddy aren 't around . He wasn 't too much into the smiling thing at first , he just sat there , but then they mentioned the Chuck - E - Rat and Daddy 's car and that was enough for him to let them count his teeth if they wanted . All smiles , sat still long enough for more than one photo to be taken . That 's gonna hurt my wallet . . . I can 't turn down a good pic . . . Bossman came in at 11 and told me " You 're going home at 12 today . It 's going to get really bad . " He sat here with me for the 11th hour , waiting to see how it got , the snow wasn 't sticking so he said we would see how the day went , then he 'll call to send us home . As soon as he left the snow started falling harder and now it 's sticking . And he hasn 't called to say we 're going home . The Shitter came in five minutes ago and asked me if I was going home . " I have no idea . " I said . " Today seems like it 's bad , it 's a good day to head home and settle in . " Okay , so why are YOU here ? I wanted to ask . I just looked at my screen in silence and nodded . I 'm addicted to this game called Zuma . It 's on Pogo . com , and I can 't get past level 3 - 4 ( 4 parts to each level ) . Is there anyone else who plays this game ? How far have you gotten ? Did you find it as addicting as I did ? I don 't know what I 'm going to do all weekend without being able to play it . . . Edited to add : GOING HOME ! Bossman is out on the road , says it 's getting horrible so he doesn 't want us getting stuck or into accidents . . . Have a great weekend guys , and for those in this storm , be safe , ' kay ? Oh , yeah , and THe Shitter is STILL here , apparently waiting for me to leave first . . . hmmmm . Yeah . SNOW . It hasn 't snowed all winter here , and after three days of beautiful glorious sunshine and high fifties weather . . . we plummet down to the 30 's and get SNOW . SNOW ! Do you New Englanders believe this shit ? ? ? I mean I know we should be used to crazy weather like this , but this is just getting ridiculous . Tuesday morning I ran into the bathroom while Daddy was taking a shower ( why wait till he gets out ? this was important ! ) to tell him the idiotic weatherman was predicting SNOW for the weekend ! INCHES of SNOW ! How stupid that man is ! We both thought it was hilarious . I didn 't tell Little Man about the ' snowman ' ( as he calls it ) because I didn 't want to get his hopes up for no reason . Besides , it wasn 't going to snow , psssshhhh , please . This morning I got out the shower ( I hadn 't looked outside , why bother ? it wasn 't snowing ! ) and turned on the t . v only to hear the crazy weatherman say " We 're looking at a few inches gathering today . . . " Inches of what ? Sunshine ? I look outside and wouldn 't you know , it WAS snowing . Hard , too . No one is more excited than Little Man . I want to speak to mother Nature , we have a couple of issues to discuss here . . . Today is picture day at Little man 's daycare / school . Ha . They don 't know what they 're in for with my son . My sister and I have bets on how much of his face will actually come out IN the picture , because he 'll be too busy trying to get off the chair and escape the wrath of the evil camera . My sister says all they 'll catch is a blurry shot of his forehead . . . I say they 'll get a shot of his rear end as he runs out the door . Daddy just smiles and shakes his head . Little Man loves taking pictures , but only if he wants to . Christmas pictures were almost a disaster , we had to settle on the first shot taken because it was the ONLY shot taken . He started crying right after , and if we had continued with the session we would have ended up with lots of pictures of a red faced Little Man reaching for his mommy and daddy , crying like we had abandoned him . On the permission slip we had to sign for the pictures to be taken there was a section that said ' Comments for photographer : _____________ ' . . . I wrote in Good Luck ! with a smilie face . I 'm hoping the smilie face makes the photographer feel a little better , but he / she can never say I didn 't warn him / her . I can 't wait to hear how he did . . . Her ( Stoopid ) . Me . Did you receive an e - mail from Bossman last Thursday ? No , Bossman doesn 't send me the e - mails he sends to the agents , it 's just for you guys . So you didn 't get an e - mail ? . . . No . . . Well , I got an e - mail from him and I couldn 't open it . Oh , I 'm sorry . Did you want me to call him and ask him to send it again ? ( See , I 'm trying to be nice . . . ) No , no that 's fine . Do you think you can come into my office and open it ? . . . What makes you think the e - mail would open for me ? What would I do differently to get it to open ? Well , what if I forward it to you ? Do you think you could open it ? Stoopid , again . . . if it didn 't open for you what makes you think it will open for me ? He might have not done something right , or the attachment is broken , I can call him and ask him to send it again . No , no I 'm leaving anyway . . . ( ten minutes later , she is still in the office , The Shitter walks in . ) Shitter , did you get the e - mail from the bossman ? Yes , but I couldn 't open it . What did you do to get it to open . I called him and asked him to send it again . . . Sometimes The Shitter can be helpful . " Diana . " " Daddy " " Your son stinks . " " . . . " " He gave me two very loaded diapers . Stunk up the whole house . " " ( laughing ) He does take after you , doesn 't he ? " " Stinks ! " " ( more laughing ) " Little Man gets on the phone . " Mommy ! I drink Daddy 's juice . " " Oh , yeah ? What are you doing ? " " Playing . " " With cars ? " " No . With Daddy . On the couch . " " You having fun ? " " Yesssssss . ( I hear Daddy in the backround ) Mommy ! I love you ! " " Oh , baby , i love you too ! Gimme kisses . " " ( smooching into the phone ) Talk to Daddy , bye Mommy ! " " Are you guys going out ? " " Na , we 're fine in here . " " Has he been coughing ? " " Nope . He had lunch , ate almost all of it , too . He 's fine . " " Hmph . whatever . " " See you later . " " BYE ! " Does he only get sick around me ? ? ? ? ? ? At about 4 a . m I woke to the sound of a ninety year old man coughing in my bedroom . I look around , there was no ninety year old man there . . . just my husband and my son sleeping soundly . Hmmmm . That 's weird . I couldn 't go back to sleep , I was wondering where the coughing came from . I listened for wheezing . . . none coming from either . No stuffy nose sounds . No congestion sounds . No moving around uncomfortably . Hmmmmm . So I started racking my brain , thinking I was just going crazy , and then thinking on how much my floors needed cleaning , and then how much I hate daylight savings time because it screws everything up . Like my sleeping . And my son 's sleeping . I get abck to sleep maybe an hour or so later . Only to wake up to hear that ninety year old man again . I get up , neither of the men next to me seemed to have moved at all , and surely that coughing would have sent somene into some kind of convulsions , that was no ordinary coughing . Then my son coughs . Hard . His lungs must have been killing him . . . this time the coughing didn 't stop . He kind of gagged so I scooped him up and went into the bathroom . If he 's going to be throwing up mucus , it 's going to be on a floor I can clean easily . No throwing up mucus , but there was still coughing . I grabbed water from the fridge and offered it to him . " No , Mommy . " I grab a juice and a Triaminic strip . He hates those strips , but it 's the easiest way I can get any medicine into his system . The only way he ate the strip was with promises of him being able to eat a gummy ( his vitamins ) afterward . . . and with Daddy standing there with a no - funny business look on his face . . . We camped out in the bathroom for another half an hour ( the last time I gave him the strip he threw up all over the living room floor . He doesn 't take well to medicine . He gets that from his momma . ) before going back to bed . He wouldn 't go back to sleep . " More juice ? " " Mommy , love you . " " Daddy sleeping ? " At six - thirty he finally started nodding off , Daddy turned to me and said " Get some sleep , I 'll stay home with him today . " Some slPosted by I was driving Daddy 's car last night , following him in the soon - to - be - my - new - car , he was taking it to our friend Chu ( the mechanic ) so he can take a look at it , make sure everything is A - Okay for me . Daddy 's car is stick shift , the soon - to - be - my - new - car is , too , which I don 't mind but I 'm used to driving automatics and my stick shift skills have been lacking lately . Let 's put it this way : thank God Daddy had put a brand new clutch in his car , because I would have burned his old one by now . I get nervous taking off in first , especially when I 'm on a slight incline , because the assholes here like to stop two inches from your bumper at a light , I 'm afraid of backing into someone so I rev it up nice before I take off . . . Daddy ( and I swear he did this on purpose ) took the looong way to Chu 's house , taking the street that even in an automatic car I hate , because even that rolls back at the light at the top of the hill . So of course , the light turnes red when we are halfway up the hill . I see Daddy looking at me through his rearview , and I stick my middle finger up at him . Then I look in my rearview and the asshole behind me ( you guessed it ) stops so close to me I can 't see more than half of his hood . Fuck , I 'm going to hit this guy , FUCK ! Daddy is still looking at me , but now he knows what I 'm thinking . I want to hit Daddy . The light turns green , I let Daddy get ahead of me by a lot , and then I screech the tires taking off , the guy can clearly see that the car is stick . . . We get caught at the light again , this time Daddy is the first car , and the asshole behind me again stops right on my ass . AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH ! I send him a couple of Fuck you 's mentally , because my son the parrott is in the back seat . . . The light turns green , Daddy takes off . ( Fucking experts . . . ) I wait a few seconds before taking off and the car ends up shutting off on me . " FUCK ! " I 'm screaming now , because I 'm pissed off and embarrassed , turn the car back on and take off , screeching tires the whole time . I left tire marks for a good twenty feet . When I cPosted by Leaving the kids at home with their Daddies , I went with a friend of mine to see about her changing her gym plan . She joined Soul Sucking Gym ( starts with a B and ends with an Ally 's ) in the new year on a family plan with her husband , BIL , SIL , and sister . . . so far everyone but her husband has decided to quit . Since Soul Sucking Gym makes you sign up using automatic payments ( yes , THEY DO ! ) my friend had to go and adjust the membership to only include her and her husband , because the payments were coming from their account anyway . Enter Soul Sucking Gym : you see every machine being used and lots of people in red shirts ( employees ) floating around watching people here and there . As soon as we walked in we were bombarded by three people in red shirts asking us if we needed any help . Good customer service ? No , they saw we weren 't dressed in gym attire ( we were both still in work clothes ) and carrying no duffel bags , so we must be FRESH MEAT ! GET THEM TO SIGN THEIR LIVES AWAY NOW ! QUICK GET THE FORMS ! When my friend said she was changing her membership , the red shirted employess disappeared into thin air . Really , suddenly we were standing there alone . Five full minutes later a black - and - red shirted employee ( manager ? ) came to us and asked us to follow him into a ' private ' room . I looked at my friend , she just shrugged . We were led into a small , smelly room with glass walls and two chairs that I really didn 't want to sit in . The sweat smell was over - bearing , making my once hungry stomach feel queasy . The black - and - red shirted man started asking her why she wanted to change her membership . She explained , in very simple and easy to understand terms - but that she and her husband wanted to stay on . They went regularly . He turns to me " So you 're going to keep coming with her then ? " I smiled as nicely as possible and said " She just said she and her husband , I am not him . I 'm just here to keep her company . " Dummy . He turns back to her and asked her the situation again . I thought she has said it pretty clearly the first time . HPosted by My son has decided he doesn 't need food . He has gone from being the best eater who will gobble up anything you put in his face , to turning his face at anything and everything and opting for just milk or juice . I can 't take it . Every night for dinner it is a fight with him to eat anything , and while he is eating just fine in daycare . . . * sigh * Last night I made him cry because I told him he couldn 't have any juice until he finished at least half of his dinner . I became my mother the moment the sentence came out of my mouth . I used to do this to her , fill up on liquids and not eat my food . My mother used to cry and beg me to eat and then threaten to take me to the hospital and have me put on a feeding tube . Two hours it took for him to finally grab his plate and choke down some potatoes and meat ( which he usually loves ) . He showed his plate to Daddy who gave him some juice . This is usually only during dinner time , for breakfast he is starving ( because he won 't eat dinner ) so he gobbles it up quickly . Lunch he does okay with , I 've noticed he is starting to do the same for lunch sometimes . . . Is my food gross now ? Is there something I can give him to substitute ? I know Mamaof2 went through this with her son recently , and I see why she was so concerned . And my son is only TWO ! I give him Flintstone vitamins in the mornings just to make sure he 's getting his essential vitamins , but he still needs ACTUAL SOLID FOOD in his system . . . I swear the other night I gave him cereal for dinner just because i knew he would eat it without a problem , but I don 't want to do that every day . . . unless i have to of course . . . Wednesday night he stayed at his mother 's . I didn 't sleep . Did you know birds sometimes start chirping at four a . m ? Thursday night he was back home , but he slept on the couch . There was still minimal talking , and I wasn 't going to take the first step . ( Yes , stubborn , I know . ) Little Man woke up Friday morning and saw him on the couch and went to lay with him . Friday we spoke . He admits he overreacted and he came back to our room . Little Man was happy to see him when he woke up . Friday after work , we spoke more . We went to his mother 's house to pick up his clothes , and as I was speaking to her behind her closed bedroom door she got a frantic phonecall from Selfless . Drama was happening at Selfish 's house ( the apartment above mine ) and we had to get there ASAP . Without getting into too many details , police were called and we ended up packing some of Selfish 's stuff ( and the girls ' ) and she went to stay at their mother 's . Daddy didn 't say a word the whole way home , but he held my hand . I think seeing what was going on with my SIL and her husband put more things in perspective for him . Daddy is not a talker , he doesn 't verbalize what he is feeling , which is hard but I know him so well I understand his actions . He needs to change that a bit , I told him that . Just a bit . Just enough to not get us into a big enough fight that he feels he can 't be home . Saturday we went to Googlio and Skinny Bitch 's baby shower , where everyone ( well , the few people who knew about the sitch ) was breathing a sigh of relief seeing us together . . . and smiling . Oh , except for The Whore of course , because I 'm sure she was overly happy to hear that we were fighting . ( You know , because Selfless STILL is overly friendly with her . UGH . ) Really , you should have seen her face she was so upset . I loved it , it made me smile more . Stupid Whore , worry about your own life , thank you . And yes , the stupid Whore was at the baby shower , double UGH . She was there with her twelve year old boyfriend ( he looks twelve , seriously . The BOY is 18 though ! Still a baby himPosted by I always complain about my migraines . I always hate them , especially when no amount of Excedrin will rid me of them and I 'm left paralyzed on the bed wanting to die instead of feel the pain . . . Now it 's nosebleeds . All of a sudden my nose leaks , with no warning , and I 'm standing there scaring the hell out of whoever is with me . The other day ( you know , when Daddy and I were still getting along just fine . . . ) I had gone to my sister 's house at my son 's request . My mother was there so he got to see his beloveds all at the same time . I got a phonecall from a friend asking for my address so he could send us an invitation to his daughter 's birthday party , and while I was on the phone I felt like my nose was running . Knowing that I have had no sinus issues in the last month or so , I found this weird and went to pass my fingers under my nose . . . and they came back red . My heart stopped . I hung up the phone and went into the bathroom where I find that my nose was starting to pour out blood . ( Am I totally grossing you out here ? You don 't have to read if you don 't want to . . . I will understand . ) So I grab tissue and try to remember if it 's head up or head down to stop bleeding . . . which I never knew the answer to because when you ask someone they really never know either . . . My sister sees me and the now soaked tissue and hurries into the bathroom to get me more , asking me if I fell or something . " Uh , with my fat ass you would have heard me fall . Or at least swear because I fell . Dummy . " Then my mother gets involved , and she 's no good in any situation , let alone one with blood involved , so she starts panicking that I had to go to the hospital right that instant . " It 's just a nosebleed , MOTHER , I 'm not going to sit in an ER for eight hours . . . " And then I passed a huge clot ( I think it was a clot , it looked more like a bloody booger just REALLY big . . . really I 'm sorry to gross you out . . . ) and it just stopped . For the record , I have never actually had a nosebleed in my life . Yesterday morning , the same thing happened . Same way , just came allPosted by |
I heard a commercial on the radio at work announcing " Doodlebops LIVE ! Get your tickets today ! " so I called my sister , becasue she 's always saying how she would loooove to take Little man to one of their shows since he likes them so much . She told me to find out how much the tickets were , and to call her back . $ 80 . EIGHTY DOLLARS PER PERSON to see these annoying ass human / puppets LIVE ! and that 's only the price for tickets in the third balcony section ( AKA almost nosebleed seats ) , not even the floor section which is where all the action is , where the kids have room to jump and dance along . They didn 't have prices listed for the floor section , which I guess is better off because the $ 80 was enough to send me straight to the little red X in the corner . . . I called my sister and told her to forget about it , I wasn 't going to let her pay that much to take him to a freakin ' show . . . we 'll keep them on t . v thanks . It 's interesting ( read : funny ) to watch someone who doesn 't have children interact with kids . Blondie had a few clients coming in and her husband was too far to pick her son up from school and watch him while she had the meeting , so she brought him to the office hoping he would sit quietly while she had these papers signed . Ha . He 's six , and the fact that he 's a BOY ( read : active and unable to sit still ) well , it wasn 't going to happen . The Shitter is in the office ( as always ) and he does not have children . He is married to a crabby old lady ( probably why he 's always here bugging me ) and they have three cats together , more than enough for them . The Shitter is trying to entertain the six year old . . . by giving him Real Estate books to read . . . Ha . The Shitter really asked the kid if he wanted to learn spanish . The kid asked him if HE knew spanish , The Shitter says " No , but I thought you could teach yourself by reading a spanish Real Estate book . " HA . The kid was going to put a book away , and The Shitter tried telling him where it went , and the kid ( like every other kid in the world ) couldn 't find where it went , The Shitter got all frustrated at the fact that the kid didn 't listen the first time , and as he tried to explain to the kid where to put the book you could hear his voice getting a little louder and shaky . . . HA ! Right now the kid is sitting quietly in Beantown 's office playing on the computer , while The Shitter is probably rocking himself back to sanity in the corner of his own office . . . We have discovered that my son is allergic to peanut butter . Did you all just picture the sheer bloatedness of a two - year olds face when they eat something they are allergic to ? Because it 's a horrible sight , let me tell you . At the age of one , because my mother is an old - school mom and doesn 't give a shit what docs say ( " I gave you peanut butter when you were three months old and you were fine ! " ) my mother gave my son a peanut butter sandwich . And he was fine . I told her never to give it to him again if I wasn 't around , or I 'd have to kick her in the knees . She might have listened , I 'm not sure . I do know she gave him Nutter Butters , ( which I love ) and still , nothing . So yay ! My son wasn 't allergic to peanut butter ! Then one day when he was still with the old babysitter , she gave him a cookie when we were walking out , and he seemed to swell a bit after the cookie . I gave him benadryl and he was cleared up in seconds . I called the babysitter to ask her what kind of cookie it was , she said it was a homemade peanut butter cookie . There was one day I made my son a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because that was what his daddy was eating for lunch , he took one bite and spit it out . He wouldn 't eat the sandwich . Another day we were at my sister 's house , and she eats peanut butter off a spoon , something she has done since she was a kid . ( Households having peanut butter and no bread to put it on . . . ) My son asked for a lick . We got into the car and headed out for a drive , and in the car my son 's head grew three sizes . You already know the phonecalls to the doctor that were made , the quick stop at the pharmacy for benadryl because I wasn 't carrying it with me . . . the waiting for the swelling to go down , the guilt my sister felt . Ten minutes later he was fine , sleeping from being doped up . So no peanut butter for my son . But here 's the weird thing , he isn 't allergic to peanuts , or any nuts for that matter . It must be something IN the peanut butter . My husband was eating a cookie that had walnuts in it , gave the boy a bite ( okay lPosted by I hate not being at work on Mondays , it screws up my whole week . Daddy was up all night Sunday night thinking he was going to throw up . . . he never did . We wasted a day at home . . . On Saturday we did get to the car wash to wash his new beloved . It was a gorgeous day out , so we called Friend and her family , we went to have breakfast and then on to the car wash . . . where Daddy and Little Man gave Daddy 's new mistress some shine . That 's Daddy 's car . We call it the Christmas Tree because of the ' different ' color scheme it 's got going . . . This is the car that Little Man loves being in . He has literally cried real tears because I don 't go and pick him up at daycare with the Tree . Now that I 'm only driving the Tree , he is content , though he did make sure to tell me the other day " Mommy , I like your car . But I loooove Daddy 's car . " Daddy couldn 't have been more proud . Oh , I haven 't mentioned that I haven 't even driven my own car yet , huh ? Yeah , the day after everything was checked and the car was finally registered and insured Selfish calls that her car broke down and she was wondering if she could borrow one of our cars for a ' couple of days ' while her car was in the shop . . . it 's been eight days . EIGHT ! Daddy says he 's about to let her borrow the Tree just so we can get to drive my car , I tell him not to worry about it . I 'm going to have plenty of time to drive my car . . . but still , dude . . . arghhhhhhh . So yeah - those pictures were taken with my new toy . Nice huh ? I haven 't taken too many pictures yet , I 'm still getting to know my new baby . . . but they 'll be coming . You guys will be sick of pictures by next month , watch . ( Sorry Mamalee and Tuesday , it 's not the rabbit ! LOL ! ) I got me a brand spankin ' new digital camera ! So you 're all going to be flooded with pictures whether you like it or not , because this shiny new toy of mine is going to be over used throughout the summer to catch up with all the stuff I been missing because of my stupid camera phone . Daddy knows I 've been wanting a digital for some time now , and I think he might have felt bad when I told him I was probably the LAST human on earth to not have a digital . . . so last night ( he felt better when I got home from work , yay ! ) he looks at me and said " You want to go camera shopping ? " My eyes must have glazed over , he laughed at me . Everytime we go into a store with digitals I go and lust after them , testing them out , touching them , getting a feel for them . And I always have to put them back down , wipe my drool and walk away because the people start looking at me funny . . . I couldn 't have packed Little Man 's diaper bag any faster . Into the store we walked , with reinforcements - my Friend , her husband and demon child , and one of Daddy 's friends who is an expert at these types of purchases . . P . works building computers and such things so he can get me the scoop on what these greedy salespeople won 't tell me . Yes , it became a family affair . You can 't make important purchases like this without back - up . . . When I finally got MY CAMERA into my hands I knew it was the one . 7 . 1 megapixels , 10 second video with audio ( more with an upgraded memory card ) and all this other stuff that is really chinese to me , but . P . tells me are good things . ( Hey , if it can take a nice picture , I 'm good ! ) So we look at the box and the paper that tells us everything that comes with the camera and we are satisfied that it is now MY CAMERA ! Of course you know there is a bad side to all of this . . . Isn 't there always ? ? ? The memory card didn 't come with the camera . We had gone to the store at 8 : 30 , just before they closed , so by the time we got home and opened the box ( which very clearly says the memory card is INSIDEPosted by Daddy is sick , too , now . Last time Little man was sick , he was sick , too . It 's a conspiracy , I tell you . Daddy has a cold , though , and felt his throat hurting him this morning . I called him out of work and told him to keep his behind in bed . Little Man didn 't wanna stay home . Says a lot about my house huh ? LOL ! Last night I went to Wally World to get some essentials ( and vitamin C . I " M NOT GETTING SICK ! ) and by the time I got home , they were both sound asleep . It was seven o ' clock . So now I had no one to cook dinner for , no one to bug me . So I started to wipe the house with Lysol ( I AM NOT GETTING SICK ! ) Daddy got up to drink some medicine and sat on the ( other ) couch ( away from me I AM NOT GETTING SICK ! ) to watch some t . v with me . I fell asleep by nine . Little Man slept through the night , so I couldn 't give him any meds last night , so the fun antibiotic was started this morning . I put it in his milk , because it is not flavored and I stupidly forgot to ask the technician to flavor it . . . even though he should have thought to ask me when he saw the script was for a child . What child actually likes drinking meds ? I didn 't really sleep since Daddy kept getting up to blow his nose . The little sleep I got was filled with bad dreams - why is it that when you 're dead tired you get the worst dreams that exhaust you even more ? ( Edited to add - the dream I remember the most was when the girlfriend of a friend went into the bathroom while Daddy was taking a shower because she wanted to see his penis . She asked him if she could take a picture of it . I woke up wanting to kill her . . . ) Really , I was . And it was by the man who was probably thinking I was an asshole for not taking my own son to his appointment . Last night Little man refused to eat , but not the regular refuse where he wanted something else - not what we were having , he didn 't want anything . Yet , right before bed he had such an explosion in his diaper that I had thought he peed out of his butt . Yep , EEEEWWWWWWW . Right into the bathtub , lots of diaper cream and a temp check . He still got his chocolate milk before bed , and I asked him if he had any boo - boo 's . " No , Mommy . . . " " Does your ear hurt ? " " Yeah . . . " Gotcha . Morning phonecall to doc , " Bring him in at 10 : 45 ! " That girl at the front desk drinks waaaay too much coffee . I called my sister and asked her to bring him , only because Daddy had massive deliveries to make ( it 's spring - lots of people working on their cars now ! ) and I still don 't have my car . Then my son walks into my room with wet pants . Nice . He got stripped and thrown into the shower with Daddy . There 's a nice wet spot on the futon I have to work on later , too . Fun . Apparently when my sister told the doc that I suspected it was another ear infection ( third one this year ! And we 're only in March ! ) he looked in his ears , and guess what ! I was right ! I 'm an outstanding mother when it comes to diagnosing ear infections , but not at anything else . Hmph . More antibiotics to play with . He went back to daycare , he told my sister he wanted to " go to school and play . " Who was she to argue ? He wasn 't running any fevers so he could go to school . . . I used to put my mother through this when I was a kid . Ear infection after strep throat after ear infection . . . . I had tubes put in my ears when I was three or four . I must have passed down the sick gene . So I have found what so many of us are looking for - - - A REAL LIFE FRIEND . Holy hangover batman ! There are humans that like me in person ! She is awesome , we 've been getting together for the past few months , and I haven 't mentioned her because , well , I like her . Usually when I mention someone here is because I don 't like ' em . ( Much like the agents I love , they get no love here . . . ) I can 't even think of a nickname for her . . . so she 'll just be Friend for now . I met her through her husband , who is friends with Daddy . ( Go figure . Couple friends ! ) They have a two - year - old son ! ( We may just be twins ! LOL ! ) Wait for it - this is Daddy 's wet dream - she works in an auto parts store . She likes cars like me ( well , maybe more than me ) and she is funny . So you may already be wondering why she is being mentioned here today . . . And please don 't stone me for this - I don 't like her son . * ducking * Their situation is different , where her hubby stays home with the baby . He had had an accident at his job that caused him to lose vision in one eye , so she works at the parts store and they don 't have to pay daycare because hubby is there . ( Oh , the good life , LOL ! ) So , granted , the kid is attached to his daddy , what boy really isn 't , right ? The thing that I don 't like about the boy is that he is not disciplined . He hits , he throws things , he is just generally the complete opposite of my son . ' Normal two year old behavior ' I have heard from other people , but I 'm not the only one who thinks this little boy is out of control , others have said it . THEY have said it , Friend and her hubby , but they laugh about it . ( Well , they used to . Now they 're getting a little worried . ) We were at their house yesterday , and I couldn 't tell you how many times I had to go get my son away from the other kid . . . I don 't want my son to start picking up on some things this boy does . So I don 't want to give up actual real - life friends who we love just because of their son 's behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . WHAT WOULD YOU DO ? * * * Edited to add : Yeah , I know two year olds are two year olds , andPosted by For those that have been here a while , know that Other Admin was ' laid off ' a few months ago , laid off being more that she is on - call when Head Admin or I need a day off , and she works weekends at The Other Office . Times are slow in the Real Estate market , Bossman felt he couldn 't afford to pay her for full - time work . He said he would take her back on full - time as soon as things pick up . We 're still waiting . I think that he chose to lay her off instead of me because I have a child . She is a single 21 - year - old who lives with her mother . Head Admin owns her home and has a car note . Priorities . On Friday when he came to drop off my paycheck , he was scribbling something in his appointment book and casually ( ? ? ? ) mentioned " You better hope this market picks up soon . . . " then he closed his book and walked out . He left me with my eyebrows raised and my heart going a thousand beats a second . I know I 've been paranoid in the past about losing my job , but now he 's just down to me and Head Admin . Head Admin has been with him since he bought the company four or five years ago , and he worked with her at the previous office , so he has history with her . And she knows how to do a lot more than I do , which they have taught me some stuff here and there but nothing to guarrantee my job . I don 't mind . Maybe this is the kick in the pants I need to get me to actually enroll in school and get a degree in something a little more stable . I was talking to Daddy about it , and I mentioned how my father had offered to pay for any classes I wanted to take , wherever , as long as I wasn 't answering someone 's phone for a living . Daddy 's eyebrows raised , mine were already up high ( I don 't think they came down since my bossman said that comment . . . ) . " So maybe I 'll go to school full time . " He made that " Why not ? " face with a shrug of the shoulders . How great our communication is . . . So today I will be researching schools for getting into something medical . Even if I just take a certificate course and become a medical assistant for now , so I won 't be out of workPosted by before I ( possibly ) go home early today . Melissa asked me how the pic day went . I wasn 't going to say anything yet , i wanted to scan the pics and post ' em here , but as far as I hear from the director herself : " Did you know your son is such a ham ? ? ? " Apparently he behaves for photographers if mommy or daddy aren 't around . He wasn 't too much into the smiling thing at first , he just sat there , but then they mentioned the Chuck - E - Rat and Daddy 's car and that was enough for him to let them count his teeth if they wanted . All smiles , sat still long enough for more than one photo to be taken . That 's gonna hurt my wallet . . . I can 't turn down a good pic . . . Bossman came in at 11 and told me " You 're going home at 12 today . It 's going to get really bad . " He sat here with me for the 11th hour , waiting to see how it got , the snow wasn 't sticking so he said we would see how the day went , then he 'll call to send us home . As soon as he left the snow started falling harder and now it 's sticking . And he hasn 't called to say we 're going home . The Shitter came in five minutes ago and asked me if I was going home . " I have no idea . " I said . " Today seems like it 's bad , it 's a good day to head home and settle in . " Okay , so why are YOU here ? I wanted to ask . I just looked at my screen in silence and nodded . I 'm addicted to this game called Zuma . It 's on Pogo . com , and I can 't get past level 3 - 4 ( 4 parts to each level ) . Is there anyone else who plays this game ? How far have you gotten ? Did you find it as addicting as I did ? I don 't know what I 'm going to do all weekend without being able to play it . . . Edited to add : GOING HOME ! Bossman is out on the road , says it 's getting horrible so he doesn 't want us getting stuck or into accidents . . . Have a great weekend guys , and for those in this storm , be safe , ' kay ? Oh , yeah , and THe Shitter is STILL here , apparently waiting for me to leave first . . . hmmmm . Yeah . SNOW . It hasn 't snowed all winter here , and after three days of beautiful glorious sunshine and high fifties weather . . . we plummet down to the 30 's and get SNOW . SNOW ! Do you New Englanders believe this shit ? ? ? I mean I know we should be used to crazy weather like this , but this is just getting ridiculous . Tuesday morning I ran into the bathroom while Daddy was taking a shower ( why wait till he gets out ? this was important ! ) to tell him the idiotic weatherman was predicting SNOW for the weekend ! INCHES of SNOW ! How stupid that man is ! We both thought it was hilarious . I didn 't tell Little Man about the ' snowman ' ( as he calls it ) because I didn 't want to get his hopes up for no reason . Besides , it wasn 't going to snow , psssshhhh , please . This morning I got out the shower ( I hadn 't looked outside , why bother ? it wasn 't snowing ! ) and turned on the t . v only to hear the crazy weatherman say " We 're looking at a few inches gathering today . . . " Inches of what ? Sunshine ? I look outside and wouldn 't you know , it WAS snowing . Hard , too . No one is more excited than Little Man . I want to speak to mother Nature , we have a couple of issues to discuss here . . . Today is picture day at Little man 's daycare / school . Ha . They don 't know what they 're in for with my son . My sister and I have bets on how much of his face will actually come out IN the picture , because he 'll be too busy trying to get off the chair and escape the wrath of the evil camera . My sister says all they 'll catch is a blurry shot of his forehead . . . I say they 'll get a shot of his rear end as he runs out the door . Daddy just smiles and shakes his head . Little Man loves taking pictures , but only if he wants to . Christmas pictures were almost a disaster , we had to settle on the first shot taken because it was the ONLY shot taken . He started crying right after , and if we had continued with the session we would have ended up with lots of pictures of a red faced Little Man reaching for his mommy and daddy , crying like we had abandoned him . On the permission slip we had to sign for the pictures to be taken there was a section that said ' Comments for photographer : _____________ ' . . . I wrote in Good Luck ! with a smilie face . I 'm hoping the smilie face makes the photographer feel a little better , but he / she can never say I didn 't warn him / her . I can 't wait to hear how he did . . . Her ( Stoopid ) . Me . Did you receive an e - mail from Bossman last Thursday ? No , Bossman doesn 't send me the e - mails he sends to the agents , it 's just for you guys . So you didn 't get an e - mail ? . . . No . . . Well , I got an e - mail from him and I couldn 't open it . Oh , I 'm sorry . Did you want me to call him and ask him to send it again ? ( See , I 'm trying to be nice . . . ) No , no that 's fine . Do you think you can come into my office and open it ? . . . What makes you think the e - mail would open for me ? What would I do differently to get it to open ? Well , what if I forward it to you ? Do you think you could open it ? Stoopid , again . . . if it didn 't open for you what makes you think it will open for me ? He might have not done something right , or the attachment is broken , I can call him and ask him to send it again . No , no I 'm leaving anyway . . . ( ten minutes later , she is still in the office , The Shitter walks in . ) Shitter , did you get the e - mail from the bossman ? Yes , but I couldn 't open it . What did you do to get it to open . I called him and asked him to send it again . . . Sometimes The Shitter can be helpful . " Diana . " " Daddy " " Your son stinks . " " . . . " " He gave me two very loaded diapers . Stunk up the whole house . " " ( laughing ) He does take after you , doesn 't he ? " " Stinks ! " " ( more laughing ) " Little Man gets on the phone . " Mommy ! I drink Daddy 's juice . " " Oh , yeah ? What are you doing ? " " Playing . " " With cars ? " " No . With Daddy . On the couch . " " You having fun ? " " Yesssssss . ( I hear Daddy in the backround ) Mommy ! I love you ! " " Oh , baby , i love you too ! Gimme kisses . " " ( smooching into the phone ) Talk to Daddy , bye Mommy ! " " Are you guys going out ? " " Na , we 're fine in here . " " Has he been coughing ? " " Nope . He had lunch , ate almost all of it , too . He 's fine . " " Hmph . whatever . " " See you later . " " BYE ! " Does he only get sick around me ? ? ? ? ? ? At about 4 a . m I woke to the sound of a ninety year old man coughing in my bedroom . I look around , there was no ninety year old man there . . . just my husband and my son sleeping soundly . Hmmmm . That 's weird . I couldn 't go back to sleep , I was wondering where the coughing came from . I listened for wheezing . . . none coming from either . No stuffy nose sounds . No congestion sounds . No moving around uncomfortably . Hmmmmm . So I started racking my brain , thinking I was just going crazy , and then thinking on how much my floors needed cleaning , and then how much I hate daylight savings time because it screws everything up . Like my sleeping . And my son 's sleeping . I get abck to sleep maybe an hour or so later . Only to wake up to hear that ninety year old man again . I get up , neither of the men next to me seemed to have moved at all , and surely that coughing would have sent somene into some kind of convulsions , that was no ordinary coughing . Then my son coughs . Hard . His lungs must have been killing him . . . this time the coughing didn 't stop . He kind of gagged so I scooped him up and went into the bathroom . If he 's going to be throwing up mucus , it 's going to be on a floor I can clean easily . No throwing up mucus , but there was still coughing . I grabbed water from the fridge and offered it to him . " No , Mommy . " I grab a juice and a Triaminic strip . He hates those strips , but it 's the easiest way I can get any medicine into his system . The only way he ate the strip was with promises of him being able to eat a gummy ( his vitamins ) afterward . . . and with Daddy standing there with a no - funny business look on his face . . . We camped out in the bathroom for another half an hour ( the last time I gave him the strip he threw up all over the living room floor . He doesn 't take well to medicine . He gets that from his momma . ) before going back to bed . He wouldn 't go back to sleep . " More juice ? " " Mommy , love you . " " Daddy sleeping ? " At six - thirty he finally started nodding off , Daddy turned to me and said " Get some sleep , I 'll stay home with him today . " Some slPosted by I was driving Daddy 's car last night , following him in the soon - to - be - my - new - car , he was taking it to our friend Chu ( the mechanic ) so he can take a look at it , make sure everything is A - Okay for me . Daddy 's car is stick shift , the soon - to - be - my - new - car is , too , which I don 't mind but I 'm used to driving automatics and my stick shift skills have been lacking lately . Let 's put it this way : thank God Daddy had put a brand new clutch in his car , because I would have burned his old one by now . I get nervous taking off in first , especially when I 'm on a slight incline , because the assholes here like to stop two inches from your bumper at a light , I 'm afraid of backing into someone so I rev it up nice before I take off . . . Daddy ( and I swear he did this on purpose ) took the looong way to Chu 's house , taking the street that even in an automatic car I hate , because even that rolls back at the light at the top of the hill . So of course , the light turnes red when we are halfway up the hill . I see Daddy looking at me through his rearview , and I stick my middle finger up at him . Then I look in my rearview and the asshole behind me ( you guessed it ) stops so close to me I can 't see more than half of his hood . Fuck , I 'm going to hit this guy , FUCK ! Daddy is still looking at me , but now he knows what I 'm thinking . I want to hit Daddy . The light turns green , I let Daddy get ahead of me by a lot , and then I screech the tires taking off , the guy can clearly see that the car is stick . . . We get caught at the light again , this time Daddy is the first car , and the asshole behind me again stops right on my ass . AAAARRRGGGGHHHHHHH ! I send him a couple of Fuck you 's mentally , because my son the parrott is in the back seat . . . The light turns green , Daddy takes off . ( Fucking experts . . . ) I wait a few seconds before taking off and the car ends up shutting off on me . " FUCK ! " I 'm screaming now , because I 'm pissed off and embarrassed , turn the car back on and take off , screeching tires the whole time . I left tire marks for a good twenty feet . When I cPosted by Leaving the kids at home with their Daddies , I went with a friend of mine to see about her changing her gym plan . She joined Soul Sucking Gym ( starts with a B and ends with an Ally 's ) in the new year on a family plan with her husband , BIL , SIL , and sister . . . so far everyone but her husband has decided to quit . Since Soul Sucking Gym makes you sign up using automatic payments ( yes , THEY DO ! ) my friend had to go and adjust the membership to only include her and her husband , because the payments were coming from their account anyway . Enter Soul Sucking Gym : you see every machine being used and lots of people in red shirts ( employees ) floating around watching people here and there . As soon as we walked in we were bombarded by three people in red shirts asking us if we needed any help . Good customer service ? No , they saw we weren 't dressed in gym attire ( we were both still in work clothes ) and carrying no duffel bags , so we must be FRESH MEAT ! GET THEM TO SIGN THEIR LIVES AWAY NOW ! QUICK GET THE FORMS ! When my friend said she was changing her membership , the red shirted employess disappeared into thin air . Really , suddenly we were standing there alone . Five full minutes later a black - and - red shirted employee ( manager ? ) came to us and asked us to follow him into a ' private ' room . I looked at my friend , she just shrugged . We were led into a small , smelly room with glass walls and two chairs that I really didn 't want to sit in . The sweat smell was over - bearing , making my once hungry stomach feel queasy . The black - and - red shirted man started asking her why she wanted to change her membership . She explained , in very simple and easy to understand terms - but that she and her husband wanted to stay on . They went regularly . He turns to me " So you 're going to keep coming with her then ? " I smiled as nicely as possible and said " She just said she and her husband , I am not him . I 'm just here to keep her company . " Dummy . He turns back to her and asked her the situation again . I thought she has said it pretty clearly the first time . HPosted by My son has decided he doesn 't need food . He has gone from being the best eater who will gobble up anything you put in his face , to turning his face at anything and everything and opting for just milk or juice . I can 't take it . Every night for dinner it is a fight with him to eat anything , and while he is eating just fine in daycare . . . * sigh * Last night I made him cry because I told him he couldn 't have any juice until he finished at least half of his dinner . I became my mother the moment the sentence came out of my mouth . I used to do this to her , fill up on liquids and not eat my food . My mother used to cry and beg me to eat and then threaten to take me to the hospital and have me put on a feeding tube . Two hours it took for him to finally grab his plate and choke down some potatoes and meat ( which he usually loves ) . He showed his plate to Daddy who gave him some juice . This is usually only during dinner time , for breakfast he is starving ( because he won 't eat dinner ) so he gobbles it up quickly . Lunch he does okay with , I 've noticed he is starting to do the same for lunch sometimes . . . Is my food gross now ? Is there something I can give him to substitute ? I know Mamaof2 went through this with her son recently , and I see why she was so concerned . And my son is only TWO ! I give him Flintstone vitamins in the mornings just to make sure he 's getting his essential vitamins , but he still needs ACTUAL SOLID FOOD in his system . . . I swear the other night I gave him cereal for dinner just because i knew he would eat it without a problem , but I don 't want to do that every day . . . unless i have to of course . . . Wednesday night he stayed at his mother 's . I didn 't sleep . Did you know birds sometimes start chirping at four a . m ? Thursday night he was back home , but he slept on the couch . There was still minimal talking , and I wasn 't going to take the first step . ( Yes , stubborn , I know . ) Little Man woke up Friday morning and saw him on the couch and went to lay with him . Friday we spoke . He admits he overreacted and he came back to our room . Little Man was happy to see him when he woke up . Friday after work , we spoke more . We went to his mother 's house to pick up his clothes , and as I was speaking to her behind her closed bedroom door she got a frantic phonecall from Selfless . Drama was happening at Selfish 's house ( the apartment above mine ) and we had to get there ASAP . Without getting into too many details , police were called and we ended up packing some of Selfish 's stuff ( and the girls ' ) and she went to stay at their mother 's . Daddy didn 't say a word the whole way home , but he held my hand . I think seeing what was going on with my SIL and her husband put more things in perspective for him . Daddy is not a talker , he doesn 't verbalize what he is feeling , which is hard but I know him so well I understand his actions . He needs to change that a bit , I told him that . Just a bit . Just enough to not get us into a big enough fight that he feels he can 't be home . Saturday we went to Googlio and Skinny Bitch 's baby shower , where everyone ( well , the few people who knew about the sitch ) was breathing a sigh of relief seeing us together . . . and smiling . Oh , except for The Whore of course , because I 'm sure she was overly happy to hear that we were fighting . ( You know , because Selfless STILL is overly friendly with her . UGH . ) Really , you should have seen her face she was so upset . I loved it , it made me smile more . Stupid Whore , worry about your own life , thank you . And yes , the stupid Whore was at the baby shower , double UGH . She was there with her twelve year old boyfriend ( he looks twelve , seriously . The BOY is 18 though ! Still a baby himPosted by I always complain about my migraines . I always hate them , especially when no amount of Excedrin will rid me of them and I 'm left paralyzed on the bed wanting to die instead of feel the pain . . . Now it 's nosebleeds . All of a sudden my nose leaks , with no warning , and I 'm standing there scaring the hell out of whoever is with me . The other day ( you know , when Daddy and I were still getting along just fine . . . ) I had gone to my sister 's house at my son 's request . My mother was there so he got to see his beloveds all at the same time . I got a phonecall from a friend asking for my address so he could send us an invitation to his daughter 's birthday party , and while I was on the phone I felt like my nose was running . Knowing that I have had no sinus issues in the last month or so , I found this weird and went to pass my fingers under my nose . . . and they came back red . My heart stopped . I hung up the phone and went into the bathroom where I find that my nose was starting to pour out blood . ( Am I totally grossing you out here ? You don 't have to read if you don 't want to . . . I will understand . ) So I grab tissue and try to remember if it 's head up or head down to stop bleeding . . . which I never knew the answer to because when you ask someone they really never know either . . . My sister sees me and the now soaked tissue and hurries into the bathroom to get me more , asking me if I fell or something . " Uh , with my fat ass you would have heard me fall . Or at least swear because I fell . Dummy . " Then my mother gets involved , and she 's no good in any situation , let alone one with blood involved , so she starts panicking that I had to go to the hospital right that instant . " It 's just a nosebleed , MOTHER , I 'm not going to sit in an ER for eight hours . . . " And then I passed a huge clot ( I think it was a clot , it looked more like a bloody booger just REALLY big . . . really I 'm sorry to gross you out . . . ) and it just stopped . For the record , I have never actually had a nosebleed in my life . Yesterday morning , the same thing happened . Same way , just came allPosted by |
Posted on September 10 , 2016 by Angelina Stoyak I was driving home from college for Christmas break . My sophomore year had been , so far , pretty boring . I had broken up with my girlfriend from freshman year shortly after summer break had begun , because I caught her cheating with her old high - school flame . I worked hard all summer , trying to save up enough money to pay some of my tuition and costs for my sophomore year , so I had pretty much had no life over the summer . When I had gotten back to campus at the end of August , I applied myself very hard to my studies , and really didn 't socialize much . I made no time in my schedule to pursue a campus romance , partially because I had been hurt so deeply by my experience the previous year . I had really only tried to approach one girl , a sophomore who came from the city only a few miles from my home town . She had pledged the snooty rich girl 's sorority . Tara was polite enough to me at first , until she found out that I had worked as a mechanic at a small garage in my home town for a year between high school and college to save enough money to go to college . She learned that I was the only son of a dirt - poor family , while her mother was chief of neurosurgery at a well - known research hospital and her father was senior partner in a powerful corporate law practice . Both parents came from old money , so Tara had been raised in the lap of luxury . Basically , she was a spoiled brat who never had , and probably never would , understand hard work and hard times . She was beautiful , 5 ' 6 " , blonde , slender , with what I guessed were C - cup tits , a tight little ass , and a come - fuck - me smile . She had initially seemed attracted to me , until she found out about my pedigree . Then she would only talk to me in the one class we shared . Another dream shattered . It started to snow as I was packing for my hundred - mile trip home . I wasn 't really that worried , since I knew that my old rust - bucket Chevy 4X4 pickup was mechanically sound and I had mounted four good used snow tires on it before I had left for school in August . Even when the radio station I was listening to announced that the main highway I was planning to use for part of my trip had been closed due to a massive pile - up , I figured I would be OK , since I knew the back roads I could use to get home . I settled in for a long , slow drive . After about an hour of crawling along in what was turning into near - blizzard conditions , I saw a car ahead of me . The emergency flashers were on . I quickly realized that the car had skidded off the road and had crashed into a large tree . There was a lot of front - end damage . I put on my own four - way flashers and parked behind it . I zipped up my insulated hunter coveralls and put on my warm hunting cap and got out of the truck . As I approached the car , a new BMW coupe , I could see the driver was still inside . I walked up to the driver 's window and knocked on it . The driver opened the window an inch or two . It was Tara . " Daddy said it has all - wheel drive . It has all the latest driver aids , including a built - in GPS system . That 's how I knew the route through this god - forsaken wilderness when they closed the interstate . Oh , shit , Daddy 's going to kill me when he finds out I wrecked my car . I wish I still had my Cadillac Escalade that he and Mom gave me for a graduation present . " " My left hand hurts like a bitch . I think I sprained my thumb , and part of my hand burns like fire . I guess that 's from the airbag . The engine won 't start , the climate control is only blowing cold air , and I 'm getting really cold . My cell doesn 't get any reception out here in the boonies . What am I going to do ? " " I 'm not riding with you in that piece of shit . I 'd rather wait here . You go home , and call my family , so Daddy can send out the gardener to get me . Oh , wait , do you actually have a telephone in your family shack ? " she sneered . " Tara , " I said . " At the beginning of the semester , when I first met you , I thought I could have real feelings for you . I 'm actually glad you snubbed me when you found out I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth . I 'm embarrassed to admit that I didn 't see at first what a miserable , snobby little bitch you are . That being said , I still feel obligated to help you . Not because I 'm the least bit attracted to you anymore , but simply because you are a fellow human . No amount of money is going to keep you from freezing to death if I leave you here , so you might as well gather your designer purse and get you blueblood ass in my truck so I can get you home before Mommy and Daddy have drunk all the vintage scotch and eaten all the caviar they probably have waiting for their little princess . " " God , you 're insufferable ! You don 't know anything about me . And you 're way too poor and ignorant to ever be able to comprehend how I live , " Tara hissed . " Stop being a bitch and face reality , Tara ! You 're going to suffer hypothermia and frostbite , if not worse , if you don 't come with me right now . Hell , I 'm dressed for the weather and I 'm getting cold out here . You must get out of that car and get in my truck now so I can get us out of here . There 's already a foot of snow and the wind is picking up . If we don 't leave soon , it 's going to be hard for my truck to get through the drifts . Then were both fucked ! " " Oh fine , " she sighed , sullenly . She tried to open her door . It unlatched , but it wouldn 't open . " Why can 't I get out of the car , " she asked , suddenly looking panicked . I wiped snow off the seam between the fender and the door . " The fender 's crushed around the door , and it looks like you have enough frame damage on this side that we won 't be able to get the door open . You 'll have to get out the passenger 's side . " I walked around the back of the car to help to pull her out , only to find that the other door was wedged against a tree that was at least a foot in diameter . I went back to Tara 's window . " You 're not getting out that way , either . I have a crowbar in the truck . I 'm going to get it and try to pry your door open . If that doesn 't work , I can break the windshield and you can crawl out that way . " At that moment , we heard a vehicle approaching from the other direction . It was an old Jeep wagon . When it got next to us , I could see that it had huge mud tires and a high suspension . The entire under - carriage was at least 18 ″ off the ground . This rig would be able to get through almost anything , I thought . The driver and his passenger got out . They were both huge . The driver looked to be about thirty - five years old , roughly 6 ' 3 ″ and over 300 pounds . He had a beer belly , but still looked like he was mostly muscle . The passenger looked a little younger , but he was taller and could have been close to 400 pounds . They both looked like pro wrestlers who had degenerated into grizzled mountain men . They were dressed for the outdoors in old , ratty hunting gear . I didn 't like the look of them , and Tara seemed actually repulsed . " Man , " the driver said , approaching Tara 's car . " Somebody really fucked up their purty little furrin car . Oh , pardon my French , little lady , " he laughed , showing his brown , broken teeth . " And pardon my manners . I 'm Zeke , and this here 's my kid brother , Merle . I call him Ox , ' cuz he 's that strong and that dumb . Ain 't you , Ox ? " " That 's better , " Zeke said . " Looks like you kids need a little help . What 's your name , boy ? " he said , addressing me . " I can 't , " she said . " The doors won 't open , but my friend had everything under control . He has tools in his truck to get me out , and then he 's going to drive me home . " " Oh , missy , I don 't think that 's how it 's going to work out . The road the way you was going is blocked by a downed tree . This here old Jeep was able to crawl over it , but your boyfriend 's pick - up would never clear it . You 're just going to have to come to our cabin to warm up until this storm lets up . Ox , help this pretty young thing get her door open . " Ox walked over to the car , grabbed the door handle and pulled . I could actually see the sheet metal of the door bow out as he pulled the handle . Suddenly the handle ripped out of the door , and Ox landed on his butt in the snow . Zeke roared with laughter . " They don 't make ' em like they used to , do they ? Ox , get off your stupid ass and grab the door frame . " Ox did as he was told , wedging his huge hands into the space between the body of the car and the frame of the unlatched door . He started to pull on the door and , incredibly , it began to open . I couldn 't believe my eyes . This beast was actually bending the sheet metal that was crushed around the front edge of the door . The bent hinges were groaning , and the door was moving . I 've seen rescue crews , using hydraulic jaws , struggle to do what this giant was doing with his hands . In only a few seconds , the door was open wide . " You 're right , I was rude , " Tara said , her voice trembling . " Thank you very much for helping me . I do appreciate it . But we really can 't stay . Seth will drive us home . " " I told you before , missy , the road 's blocked ahead . You ain 't goin ' that way . I know these woods real good , and with the wind and the condition of some of them trees back the way you came , I reckon you won 't get far that way either . Just be real nice and let us take you to our cabin . We got plenty of firewood and grub , and some of the best moonshine you ever tasted to help you warm up . We 'll have a regular party . " " You just don 't get it , do you sweetie ? See , me and Ox don 't get to see many fine women around here . We 're gonna go to the cabin and have us some real fun . " You 'd like to spend some time with this here pretty girl wouldn 't you , Ox ? " Zeke said leering at Tara and grinning his broken - toothed grin . Now , I 'm a pretty strong guy myself . I stand 6 ' 1 ″ , and weigh 225 . I was a varsity tackle in high school , I do a lot of manual labor , I lift weights , I 've never backed off from a fight , and I 've won every one I was involved in since kindergarten . Still , I knew this wouldn 't end well . " You 're scaring her , and I don 't like what you 're saying either , " I said . " You really don 't know when to shut up , do you , wimp ? " Zeke said , his putrid breath in my face . " I guess I gotta show you . " With that , he lunged at me and grabbed me in a bear hug . With no effort at all , he picked me up and threw me against Tara 's car . My head hit the rear window frame hard . As I blacked out , I heard Tara scream . The next thing I knew , Zeke had thrown a cup of water in my face . I sputtered awake , and realized I was tied to a chair in the brothers ' filthy cabin . There was a fire roaring in the huge fireplace . Tara was tied to a chair next to me . Zeke grabbed my hair and pulled me to look at him . " Sorry I had to knock you out , kid , but you just wasn 't cooperatin ' and you was gettin ' real annoyin ' . I thought you might like to join our little party , but I guess you 're just gonna have to sit there and watch the fun . We 're gonna keep you real comfortable , though . The fire 's makin ' it nice and cozy in here , and Ox is cookin ' up some real nice grub for all of us . I 'm gonna go help him . When dinner 's ready , we 'll untie you so you and the pretty one here can get your bellies nice and full . I 'd be happy to share some of that fine moonshine with you , then we 'll get the real party started . " He checked the ropes holding Tara and me to the chairs . " Now don 't go nowhere , hear ? " He belly - laughed , pleased with his own joke , and left the room . Tara said , " I thought you 'd never wake up ! Seth , you have to get us out of here . I 'm terrified . I think Zeke is planning to rape me ! Do something ! " " I don 't know , Seth . Think of something , please . I 'm begging you . You have to save me , " she cried , miserably . I had long since convinced myself that I didn 't like this girl , but seeing her so terrified and helpless touched me deeply . I also realized that these two Neanderthals probably weren 't going to just rape Tara and then let us go so we could report it to the authorities . I didn 't know exactly where we were , but I knew the area fairly well from hunting here when I was in high school . If they threw us out into the storm , we would probably freeze to death before we got help , and if they kept us here , they would probably kill us both . " I was knocked out when Zeke threw me against your car . The last thing I remember was hearing you scream , and the next thing I knew we were sitting here tied up . You have to tell me everything that happened while I was unconscious . Try to remember every detail . Maybe something will help us to plan our escape . " Tara wiped her eyes with trembling hands and forced herself to breath deeply , trying to gather herself . " OK , I 'm trying to replay the whole thing in my mind . Let me get it all in order . " Sounding a little calmer now , Tara said , " OK . The scream you heard was from me watching Zeke pick you up and throw you like a rag doll . Then Ox dragged me out of the car and held me in a bear hug so tight I thought he was going to crush me to death . He picked me up and kissed me . I thought I was going to vomit in his mouth . Then he put me down and held me tightly , but not painfully . I couldn 't have escaped him , but he wasn 't hurting me . He put one finger under my chin and raised my face to look at him . He smiled at me with a vacant look and told me he thought I was pretty . Then he apologized to me for scaring me and for Zeke having hurt you , since he thought you seemed like a nice guy . He said Zeke was mean , and that he thought Zeke was crazy . Zeke was busy tying you up and making room in the back of the Jeep to put you in , so he wasn 't paying any attention to us . It dawned on me that he was actually afraid of Zeke . " I asked him if Zeke was mean to him . He said Zeke was always mean and that he didn 't like it . I started to get the idea that if I was nice to him , I might be able to actually get him on our side . " I gave him a sympathetic look and said , ' What do you do then ? Do you tell him to stop ? Do you tell him how you feel ? ' " He said , ' Oh no , Miss Tara , I couldn 't do that . He 'd be even meaner to me . He 'd hit me . Zeke 's a real bad man and he can get real mad . Once , he killed a man who was hunting near our cabin . He just sneaked up behind him , and kicked him real hard . The man dropped his rifle and fell . Zeke rolled him over , sat on his chest and looked at the man right in the eye . He told him no one hunts on this land but us . Then he took the man 's hunting knife and slit his throat . Zeke made me bury the man in the woods . He didn 't have to do that to the man , Miss Tara . He 's just mean and crazy . ' " Ox thought a moment and said , ' I don 't think he 'd kill me . He likes to have me do stuff for him . I think he likes to have me around to do all his dirty work for him . ' " I said to him , ' Then just tell him off when he 's mean to you . If he hits you , hit him back . You 're a big , muscular guy . If he really decides to make a fight out of it , I know you could beat the shit out of him . I know it would be hard for you , since I can tell you 're a really nice guy , but you have to stand up for yourself . ' " Ox just looked at me and said , ' Do you really think I 'm nice ? I really like it when you say things like that to me . I really like you , Miss Tara . ' " Tara continued , " By that time , Zeke had finished loading you and the rest of his stuff into the wagon . He looked over at us and yelled , ' What the fuck are you doing standing there and talking , retard ? Get the bitch in the back seat with you and don 't let her try anything . It 's time to get home and start our party . ' Then he laughed that cruel laugh of his . " I think we drove about two miles to get to this cabin . Zeke had the radio on listening to some hick station and wasn 't paying any attention to Ox and me in the back seat . Ox was hanging on to me so I couldn 't move , but he was being really gentle . I said to him , ' Just remember what we talked about . You 're a nice guy , Merle , and you shouldn 't let him be mean to you or anyone else anymore . ' " I put on my best kind smile and said , ' Merle is a nice name . It fits you . It sounds strong , but kind , just like you are . Ox is just the name Zeke uses to make fun of you and to be mean to you . ' She replied , " I feel really sorry for him . When I was in high school my Mom made me do volunteer work at the children 's hospital that is affiliated with her hospital . Some of kids were brain - damaged from birth or childhood trauma . They functioned on a really low level , but in some way , I really got to like them . Merle reminds me of them . A lot of those kids are going to grow up to be like him . Plus , we can use any ally we can come up with at this point . " Tara said , " I don 't think that will work . The snow must be almost a foot and a half deep by now , and the wind is really strong . I can 't walk that far without freezing to death . Zeke was probably right about your truck not being able to get far on these roads . His Jeep had to struggle to get over some downed trees to get here . This is a really bad storm , Seth . " I was starting to get hopeful . " If we can get out of the cabin , I can try to hot - wire Zeke 's Jeep . I 've had to hot wire cars before to get them to the shop . " Zeke bellowed as he came into the room , " Grub 's ready ! " He was carrying a big kettle . Ox was behind him with four dirty , mismatched bowls , some spoons , and a big jug . " My kid brother here may be dumb as a stone , but he 's a real good cook . This here 's venison stew . We hunt or grow most of our own food up here . About the only time we leave these woods is to sell our moonshine and hides and go into the village about ten miles down the road to buy the stuff we can 't get ourselves . That 's where we was comin ' from when we found you . Ain 't that right , stupid ? " Zeke said , glancing at his brother . " Well , " Zeke said , " I guess you two kids ain 't gonna be able to eat if you 're tied up over there . Ox , carry them over to the table and untie their hands . Don 't untie anything else though . I ain 't sure they have the manners to accept our hospitality . And just to be sure we understand each other , I think I 'll just get my old six - shooter here to keep me company . He walked over to a shelf and picked up a gun , checked the chambers , and stuck in his belt . Ox came over to us and untied our hands . When he leaned over Tara , she whispered to him , " Don 't let him be mean to you , Merle . Remember what we talked about . " When we were positioned at the table , Zeke started serving heaping bowls of the stew . Tara said , " I 'm really not hungry . I don 't want any . " " Now see , that 's just what I was talking about . Your manners ain 't so good . We took you in from that storm , got your wet coats and boots off you , thawed you out in front of this nice fire , and cooked you up a nice meal . " He pulled his gun out and pointed it at her . " Now you be a nice little girl and say you 're sorry to my brother here . He worked hard to make this stew for you . " " Oh do you now ? That 's so cute . I bet you 'll like her a lot better when you 're gettin ' sloppy seconds from her after I finish fuckin ' her brains out , " Zeke laughed . He turned and looked at me and his ugly smile disappeared . " Don 't you get no dumb ideas , kid . Me and my brother are gonna have a lot of fun with this little sweetie over here , and you ain 't gonna do nuthin ' to stop it . If you 're a good boy , though , I 'll let you watch . I bet she looks real nice when she 's taking a real man 's cock in her . " " OK , " Zeke said . " Eat up . Ox , you and me are gonna need some energy so we can fuck her all night , and little blondie here is gonna need some good grub in her to have the strength to cum as much as she will getting ' screwed by two real men . You , too , kid , fill that belly of yours . We aim to please our guests . " The stew actually was very good . I was surprised at how much I was able to eat , being scared half shitless by what had already happened to us and by what might happen later . Even Tara managed to eat . I hoped she had realized that she would need her strength to be able to survive whatever was coming . Zeke soon started taking swigs out of the jug . " Damn , Ox , this may be the best batch of moonshine you 've made yet . Have some ! " Tara took the jug and took a tiny sip . She sputtered and choked , and her face got bright red . When she recovered , she gasped , " My God , that stuff is strong . It tastes like gasoline ! " Zeke roared with laughter . " Yeah , it 's a little stronger than the fine wines and double - malt aged scotch you 're probably used to drinkin ' . But I tell you , honey , it 's damn good shit . " He grabbed the jug back from her and took a long pull . I honestly didn 't know how he could do it . We had all finished eating . Zeke got up and took the kettle back into the kitchen . When he came back out , he grabbed our bowls and took them out too . Ox nodded , but said , " Not like he can be when 's he 's hittin ' the moonshine hard . Don 't do nuthin ' to piss him off . That 's why I ain 't drinkin ' much . I gotta have my wits about me if he decides to hurt you two . " Zeke came back and flopped in his chair . " Everyone needs an after dinner drink before we get to the best part of the party , namely fuckin ' the shit out of this purty little college girl here . Ox , you 'd best have another drink or two . You too , girl . You 're gonna get laid here , and you wanna be nice and loosened up so you can really enjoy it . Boy , you ain 't gonna get your rocks off , but you might as well get drunk ! " Zeke took another big swallow from the jug and passed it to his brother . He was leering at Tara when Ox took the jug , so he didn 't see that Ox tilted the jug , but didn 't actually drink . Ox passed the jug to me with a wink , so I did the same thing he had done . I made sure to make a face when I set the jug down , to look like I had just swallowed a big gulp of the strong drink . " Ox , " Zeke said , " we 're gonna do her here on the floor in front of the fireplace . Real romantic - like . " He put the jug in front of Tara . Feed her some of that stuff and tie up the kid here . Turn his chair so he has a real good view . I gotta piss . " As Zeke was getting up , Tara picked up the jug . Zeke grinned at her and turned away . Tara did the same thing Ox and I had just done , not actually drinking . She then made the same choking and hacking sounds she had made before . " Good girl , " Zeke yelled as he left the room . Ox came over to me . " I gotta tie you up Seth , but I ain 't makin ' the knots tight . You should be able to work them loose in a couple of minutes . Just don 't let Zeke see you . " Zeke was back in no time . " It 's stopped snowing and the wind 's died down some . If anyone needs to use the facilities , there 's a privy out back . It 's damn cold out there , though , so you can just use the bucket near the back door like I did . Don 't get any foolish notions . One of us will take you there and make sure you just do your business and come back . Ox untied Tara and helped her out of her chair . Zeke pulled a chair next to me and sat down . He gave me his evil , ugly smile and said , " How good do know this girl , kid ? Ever fuck her ? " " Well you ain 't gonna fuck her tonight , neither , but you 're gonna see a hell of a show . Time to strip for us baby , " he called to Tara . " Do it real nice and sexy slow . I wanna get a real good look at you before I decide whether I 'm gonna fuck your pussy , your ass , or your mouth first . " Tara just stood there in the middle of the room . She was crying again . It broke my heart . Ox was standing near her with his head down . Fat lot of help he is , I thought to myself . How can I stop this ? " Why the fuck not , moron ? " Sooner or later I 'm gonna kill both of them . Are you so damn simple that you think I 'm gonna let them walk out of here and go tell the sheriff what we did to them ? Hell no , I 'm gonna shoot him now if she don 't get naked . If she starts actin ' like she 's in the party mood she should be in , I 'll be as good as my word and let him watch while we fuck her . When we 're done with her , I 'll shoot both of them . We 'll throw ' em outside so they don 't stink up the place , and when the snow melts some , you 'll bury ' em . " " That 's the party sprit ! " Zeke gave me an evil smile and said to me , " Here 's your chance to see some fine pussy , kid . Seems like the least I can do for you before you die . " He still had the gun against my head . " Do it nice and slow girl . And dance for me while you strip , like one of them high - class show girls . " Zeke looked at me again and said , " This is gonna be real nice ! " Tara started swaying her hips and forced a smile at Zeke . She slowly lifted her sweater , showing her smooth , flat tummy . She turned her back to us and stuck her pretty ass out at us as she pulled her sweater over her head and tossed it away from her . Then she turned to face us again , covering the cups of her lacy bra with her hands . Tara slowly slipper her hands off her bra - covered breasts and rubbed slowly and sensuously down her belly and back up her sides . She pulled her bra straps off her shoulders and slowly lowered the bra until it was barely covering her nipples . She turned away from us again and , while grinding her hips , unclasped her bra and tossed it on top of her sweater . She turned around again with her hands hiding her breasts . She began massaging them and licking her lips . Then she put her hands on her hips , exposing what I have to say were the nicest boobs I had seen in a long time . She started thrusting her pelvis at us and tweaking and pinching her nipples until they were very erect . Zeke let out a long , low whistle and turned to me . " Hot damn , boy ! Look at them tits ! Nice and firm , big enough to look real womanly , but not big enough to sag . Tell me them jugs don 't give you a hard on , kid ? " He was cackling and slapping his knee , but he still had the gun at my head . Ox had started looking at her too . It was obvious he like what he saw , but he looked really upset at the same time . " That 's enough , Zeke . Don 't make her get naked . " " Oh fuck you , retard , " Zeke said , still laughing . If you ain 't man enough to fuck her , I 'll do it for you ! Loose those pants , girl ! On with the show ! " Tara looked at me hard and started slowly rubbing her wrists . I couldn 't figure out what she was doing at first , but then I realized that she wanted me to untie herself . Her slow striptease was meant to give me the time to get myself loose . I nodded slowly at her and she flashed me a big smile . Zeke thought it was meant for him . Tara un - buttoned her jeans and started to work them down her hips . When she got them down far enough that we could see the top of her thong , she turned around again . She slowly worked them down , exposing the most beautiful tight ass I had ever seen . Sensuously slowly , she lowered them to the floor and kicked them over with the rest of her clothes . She stayed bent over and made a big show of shaking her ass in our direction . Poor Ox was standing there , trying not too look at her , but failing miserably . Zeke , meanwhile , was practically wiggling out of his chair . He was stroking himself through his pants . Even though he still had his gun pointed at my head , he was too engrossed in the show to notice that I was making slow progress on the rope tying my hands behind me . Tara turned back toward us and started rubbing her hands up and down her body . She played with her tits some more , making her pretty little nipples hard again . Zeke didn 't seem to notice , but she was staring at me the whole time . She kept this up for a minute or so , then stuck put two fingers of her one hand in her mouth and started sucking on them , closing her eyes and tilting her head back like she was getting really hot . Then she looked in our direction again and slid her fingers under the top of her lacy little thong . She was playing with herself , which was driving Zeke wild . I have to admit I had trouble concentrating on getting my hands loose , because I was totally turned on , too . It really seemed like the show was for my benefit . Too bad I doubted that I would live to do anything more than look at her . Tara was panting and moaning now . Whether she was actually excited , or was just a good actress , I couldn 't tell . She pulled her fingers back out of her thong and plunged them deep in her mouth , sucking on them . Then she turned around again and slipped the thong off and added it to rest of her clothes . Zeke and I could clearly see her pussy lips between the backs of her thighs . She turned back to us with her hands hiding her sex . Not letting us really see , she started to finger herself . In different circumstances , I probably would have cum in my pants . Instead , I forced myself to concentrate on my ropes . Tara moved her one hand up to fondle and twist her nipples , finally allowing us to see her plunging two fingers into her clean - shaven pussy . Zeke had finally had enough . He undid his pants and pulled out a huge , dripping cock and started rubbing it hard . " My God , baby I 'm gonna fuck you until the sun comes up , " he said . He laid his gun on the table and walked over to her . " Don 't you dare touch her ! " Ox yelled . " I ain 't gonna let you do it . " Never looking away from Tara , Zeke back - handed Ox so hard he knocked him to the floor . He walked up to Tara and grabbed her by the hair , tilting her head down . " See this baby ? " he growled . This cock is for you . I 'm gonna fuck all your holes , twice if I can manage it . Hell , I ain 't gonna have to shoot you when I 'm done . I 'm just gonna fuck you to death ! " He let go of her hair and moved a step backward to her could stare at her . Ox was struggling to his feet , obviously stunned by Zeke having knocked him down . " Stay away from her Zeke . I 'm warnin ' you . If you try to rape her , I 'm gonna kill you . " " You ain 't gonna do shit , " Zeke snapped at him , and punched him hard in the mouth . Ox dropped to the floor again , blood pouring from his mouth . Then Zeke grabbed Tara and started grinding himself against her , mauling her tits with his huge , filthy hands . " Get ready to get tore up , you little slut . You 're gonna find out what a real man 's cock feels like . I was desperate . I still hadn 't freed my hands and I was going crazy . If only I could get a hand free , I would grab that gun and empty it into that animal . Zeke pushed Tara to the floor and dropped on top of her . He was kissing her with his disgusting mouth and cramming one of his fat fingers inside her . " Do you like that bitch ? Is it making you hot ? Wait until you fell this ! " He raised himself off of her , grabbed his monstrous cock , and started rubbing it against her outer pussy lips . Tara was hysterical , screaming and crying . Just as Zeke was about to enter her , Ox sat up . He grabbed a piece of firewood and smashed it against the back of Zeke 's head . Zeke let out a howl of pain and rage and rolled off of Tara . She scrambled to her feet and ran over to me . " You 're dead , motherfucker ! " Zeke roared at Ox and lunged at him . They grappled on the floor , punching and trying to strangle each other . Even though Ox was bigger , stronger , and younger than his brother , he was having trouble beating him . I was starting to doubt that Ox was going to be able to overpower his brother , which meant that Tara and I were as good as dead . " My hands , Tara , my hands ! " I said to her . I had to get that gun ! The brothers were still beating the shit out of each other , grunting like two gorillas fighting to the death . Suddenly , Zeke bit Ox on the ear , tearing it half way off . Ox screamed in pain . This gave Zeke the opportunity to get to his feet . He grabbed the fireplace poker and stood over Ox , letting him see it . Ox looked at Zeke with mortal fear in his eyes . Then he looked at Tara . " I 'm sorry Miss Tara . I 'm so sorry . I did what you said , but I wasn 't good enough . I love you , Miss Tara . Zeke laughed at Ox , and then plunged the fireplace poker deep into Ox 's chest . Ox grabbed the poker and looked like he was going to try to pull it out . Blood was spurting from his chest around the shaft of the poker . Ox went limp and was still . Zeke was obviously injured . He turned unsteadily toward the table and looked at me with crazed rage on his bloody face . " You 're next , wimp . You die right here , right now . " " I don 't think so , you son a bitch . " Tara had finally gotten my hands free , although my ankles were still tied to the chair . I was pointing the gun at Zeke . He threw his head back and laughed a maniacal laugh . " You don 't have the balls , kid . " He started to move toward me . I shot him in the shoulder . He roared like a wounded bear , but didn 't go down . Instead , he used his good arm to rip the poker out of Ox 's body and started moving toward me . " Fuck you , college boy ! " Zeke spat at me and continued moving toward me . I shot him in the leg . This time , Zeke fell over on his back , a few feet away from me . Tara untied my legs and I stood up , moving a safe distance from him , still pointing the gun at him . " Last chance , Zeke , I said . " Zeke glowered at me , screaming obscenities . Never , taking my eyes off the monster on the floor , I said . " Tara , get dressed . Put on your coat and boots and bring me mine . We 're out of here . " She quickly got dressed and brought me my heavy outerwear . I said to her , " Do you know how to shoot a gun ? Cover him while I get dressed . If he moves , shoot him until he stops . " " You kids still ain 't gonna get out of here . There 's too much snow and too many trees down . I know these woods like the back of my hand . If you ain 't froze to death , I 'll hunt you down and rip you apart with my bare hands . This time it was Tara who laughed . She still holding the gun , she grabbed the jug of moonshine . She threw it on the floor , smashing it . Then she took a kerosene lantern off a shelf , opened it , and dumped the contents all over Zeke . " Zeke , " she said , " you 're going to die here . Shooting is too good for you , so I 'm going to prepare you for the fires of Hell you 'll spend eternity in . Seth , get the Jeep started . The floor slopes a little toward the fireplace and I want to make sure the fuel is flowing in the right direction . " Stunned , I opened the door and went to the Jeep . It started right up . I was glad to see that it had almost a full tank of gas . I looked back to see Tara walking out the door and closing it behind her . As the opened the door to the Jeep , I could here Zeke bellowing with rage and fear . Suddenly his voice changed to screams as a strong light appeared in the window . Tara closed the car door and said , " Drive . " WaWxxx . com is your home for free XXX porn videos , HD Nude Pictures , and Sex Stories . Watch unlimited , high quality HD porn , entirely free ! Enjoy the sexiest porno with the hottest naked girls on Earth |
Posted on January 11 , 2016 by kklester Reply It was a snowy day in December … . I remember being at school preparing for my basketball game at Westminster . It was so snowy outside that there were at least 5 accidents on the highway within 1 whole mile of each other . I was afraid that I wouldn 't be able to make it to the game on time , but when I got there , I was the first player from the team there . My coaches were so mad that the team was showing up late . I was the only one warming up on the court until three more girls showed up . Not knowing that it was time for the game to start , I had high hopes that one more girl would how up so we could have five girls on the court . Unfortunately , since we had only four girls ready to play , Whitfield had to forfeit the game . Since the girls on the Westminster team were so very nice , they let some of their teammates play with the Whitfield team . As the game went on the Westminster team was falling behind in points , and Whitfield was doing pretty well working with the girls from Westminster . Then it was the 2nd half , and I had gotten the rebound from a shot that hadn 't drained . I was running down the court with the ball and went up for a layup when I was fouled really hard . This girl who was way bigger than I was ( and pretty much everyone on the court ) and she elbowed me in my stomach . BAM ! She knocked the wind out right of me . I fell to the ground , and struggled to breathe , I cried but couldn 't get air into my lungs . It seemed like 15 minutes I was lying on the floor trying to catch my breath again , but finally I had gotten up off the floor and heard people clapping for me . When she told me that I felt so happy that she saw Kendi Lester as One Strong Girl . Whitfield was still in the lead after my painful fall , then my coach put me back in the game after I had caught my breath . I play as best I can after being put back into play with the rest of the girls . Running , dribbling , scoring , trying to avoid the girl who nearly sent me to the hospital . Then the coach calls a timeout . Wow … I was doing so well ( well at least I thought I was ) . As we huddle by the bench , one of my teammates says to me " Kendi what 's that ? " and points to the side of my jersey which was covered in blood . I didn 't know where it had come from . I looked at the upper part of my forearm , there was a bloody cut about an inch long . I had no idea how the cut could 've gotten on my arm , and I know it didn 't just magically show up on my arm . At that point in time , I wasn 't even worried about the cut , I just got a Band - Aid and called it a day . It was the last two minutes of the game and I had the wind knocked out of me , somehow got cut on my arm by someone , but the Whitfield middle school girls basketball team was still in the lead . I didn 't really care if Westminster had won by default because of the lack of players Whitfield had at the game , all that mattered was that we played as a team , worked well with the girls who weren 't playing on the team , and ended the game strong . The game clock had 16 seconds left on it , but the score was tied … Whitfield got the rebound from the missed free throw , and the center dribbles down the court with the ball , waits at the top of the key for one of the girls to pop out to get the ball . I was waiting for someone to pop out but all of a sudden … Should I go for the ball ? No I will just stay here and have someone else get the pass . I had a change of thought and I just popped out to get the ball , the center passed the ball to me , and I shot the ball … The ball spins in the air , hits the backboard , and goes into the basket … I made the shot ! The game winning shot ( but not really ) . I couldn 't believe that after everything I had been through I actually was able to pull myself together , and help the team take the W . That experience made me realize that no matter what you go through you can always believe in yourself and the people around you to make the most out of the situation , and think of the greater good whenever in you are in doubt . Still till this day , I am grateful for the people who saw the best in me , who made me work harder when times got tough , and when I could not stay strong they were there for me to make me feel better . I will never ever forget the day when everything relating to how I could just think of the positive things when stuff got a little hard and that it would all get at least a tiny bit better . That was one of the best basketball games of my whole life . I made that game one of my favorite games by far despite the fact that it was a loss and win on Whitfield 's part . I will never forget that snowy day in December … . Posted on January 11 , 2016 by el chapo Reply An elderly man lay face up with his arms crossed over his body . He lay on a bed in the bedroom while his grandson watches TV in the next room over . Many of the distant family members have come to see the man in what may be his final days . His grandson has never met some of these people , and if he has met them he hears the all too familiar line , " Last time I saw you , you were this tall " or " You 've gotten so big and tall . " He is greets them and is respectful but all he really wants is for his grandfather to be back to his normal self . He has never seen him so defeated and tired . In all his memories of his grandfather he is moving and lively even though he walked with a cane , but the young boy has never seen him like this . The doorbell rings and he answers it to see that there are friends from church with food to help the family in this tough time . He takes the food back to the kitchen . He smells the warm cookies that have just been baked , and put them on the counter . His mom tells him he can have one and he tries to push for two but she won 't budge . He takes his cookie back to the TV room , thanking the people from church for bringing all the food . He goes back to watching his show and finishes his cookie in silence away from all these new people he doesn 't really know . His sister asks him if he wants to go play outside for a little bit while the adults catch up on old times . They ride their scooters around for a little bit until they get tired and decide to go back inside . The young boy decided he wanted to go visit his grandpa for a little bit . As soon as he walks into the room he can tell that his grandpa is losing the fight . He has fought well but soon death may very well defeat him . The boy had a sudden realization that he may be losing his closest father figure . The boy had never met his real father and his grandpa was the closest thing he had ever had to his father . He had lived with his grandpa for his entire life and he had always been there for himHe stood there thinking about it until the doorbell rang again . Finally a familiar face greets him . It is one of the neighborhood boys asking if he wants to come play football . At this time he would have do anything to get his mind off his grandpa and his battle with death . He agrees and they head to the neighbor 's backyard where his friends ' brother awaited their arrival . As usual they played rock , paper , scissors , to decide who would be all time offense for the game . The one of the neighborhood boys ended up being offense . He sighed with discontent and reluctantly went to receive the first kick . and they played until around five o ' clock . It was around this time that the neighborhood boy 's mother called for all of them to come home . Once they got to the house she told the young boy that his mother awaited him on the porch . It was at this moment the boy knew . He knew his life would never be the same . His sister had been playing with some of her friends and she burst into tears on the way home . Her mother held her and tried to comfort her , while the boy just walked ahead of both of them completely silent . He was never the type to be emotional when someone died . It was bit strange in fact , because he was always so vocal and passionate about things like sports and arguing with his sister . There was no reason that he couldn 't cry . He knew none of his family members would think any less of him . He just didn 't feel any emotions . When he got home , he walked into the bedroom where everyone was congregated around his grandfather . They asked if the boy wanted to say a final goodbye . He walked up to the bed , where his once lively grandfather laid motionless , and said his final goodbye . Still the boy felt as though he should feel different . He felt like he should be mad at something or someone . Now , the boy and his family believed in God . He knew that sometimes people blamed God for taking their loved ones away before they were ready for them to go . But the boy didn 't feel this way at all . The thought of who he should be mad at lingered in his mind as he walked into the TV room and sat down to watch Animal Planet . It was at this moment that he came to the realization that he would never hear his grandpas voice again . Death had beaten his grandpa . It had beaten a person that the boy had once thought to be invincible . The boy was old enough to know that everybody died in the end . He struggled with the idea that everybody lost to death in the end . The idea that no matter what you did , everybody would eventually lose to death . No matter how hard you tried to be great you would never really win , because you would always lose in the end . But he couldn 't accept it . He couldn 't accept that a person as great as his grandpa could loss the ultimate battle . But he realized that even though he perished from the earth his memory would not . All the unfamiliar faces in the bedroom were people that would keep his grandfather 's memory going . He knew then that his grandfather had not lost . At this moment his mother and uncle walked in and told him something , but he wasn 't listening . He snapped back into reality and looked up at them . They asked what he was feeling . He turned and stared at the Zebras running across the African savannah and never did answer them . He remembered that his family was supposed to go to Africa next year . Now he was never going to be able to see the animals with his grandfather . Now it was getting late and his mother told him it was time for bed . He went to brush his teeth and then went to bed although he didn 't do much sleeping that night . The next few days were a blur to the boy . A lot of people telling him stories about how great his grandfather was and saying everything was going to be ok . In the blink of an eye , it was time for the funeral . He realized that he had never been to a real funeral . He had only seen the ones on TV where everybody was dabbing their eyes and bawling while a few people said words about the deceased . He didn 't know what to expect . The funeral was going to be held at the church that he had gone to all his life and the pastor had been giving sermons for as long as the boy could remember . When he walked into the church the wooden pews were as full as he had ever seen them . The ceiling so high it seemed to touch the clouds , and shoe imprints all over the red carpet . There could have easily been 300 people there . The pastor said a few words at the start and then the boy 's uncle came up to say a few words . He made it through and said some very moving words that got most of the crowd crying . His uncle had always been very good with words . Pretty soon his uncle decided to read a poem and he barely made it through . He started getting chocked up and finished the poem just in time . As he walked back to his seat in the pew , a silence went over the crowd . A pianist sat down at the piano . He started to play the deceased 's favorite song . Bridge over troubled water by Simeon and Garfunkel . It was one of the most beautiful tunes the young man had ever heard . It was the perfect song for a funeral . He understood why his grandfather loved it so much . As the funeral came to a close the young man began again to ponder the question of whether his grandfather had lost to death or won . Now some would say that there are never any losers in the end and everybody cares about someone , but the young man knew better than to believe this . He knew that not everybody was a winner . But he also didn 't think that everybody lost . He didn 't think that just because everybody died not everybody lost . Everybody may have life but not everybody lives . That 's the difference between winning and losing . It 's not about who dies and who lives because in the end everybody dies . And it 's also not about who makes the most money and knows the most people . It 's about who lives there life to the fullest . Who changes the most people 's lives and has a little fun themselves . Now the young man thought if his grandfather had done this , and he thought about all the people crying at the funeral . He thought about all the people at his house mourning the loss of a dear friend or family member . He thought about how much his grandfather had changed his life . He knew that his grandfather had succeeded . He knew the difference between winners and losers . Posted on January 6 , 2016 by Kaelyn B . Reply Silently sitting alone . You can 't be with your team . Different genders result to different locker rooms . You feel out casted . No one talks to you , No one listens to you . You are just a shadow , A breeze , A back - round noise . You don 't fit in here , you don 't belong here , you are not one of them . You repeat this over and over in your head as you was out of the locker room , and behind all of the rest of your team , waiting in the tunnel that leads to the ice . You stand and wait amongst them . You lean back against the cement walls , which are painted in white , black , and gold stripes . The team 's colors . You close your eyes and listen past the yelling and foul mouth of your teammates and hear the beast . The machine the clears way for you . It 's gears grind together . It cleans your home so you can be a part of it . Then you hear it slow . You hear the gears come to a stop , and the beast is then gone . You open your eyes to the sound of the metal hitch of the old beaten up and rusted gate close . You move slowly in line along with your team , and you step foot on the ice . The first push on clean ice is a blissful thing . You can hear the crunch of your blade slicing into the soft yet solid ice . You can feel the purity and acceptance of the ice as it travels up your skate and all the way up through your heart and into your mind . And it reminds you why you play . You play for the team , which gives you a place to play . You play for the parents , who want to see you get better . You play for the coaches , who exist to help you get better . You play for your teammates , who depend on you to play your part . You play for you . You want to be the best player on the ice , but everyone constantly is improving and it 's a race down the ice past the blue line , the red line , back to the blue line , who 's going to impress the coach today . Who 's trying their hardest ? Who really doesn 't want to be here ? Who cares for their sport ? We do . This is our home . It 's our rink , our game , our puck . You can try to beat us but you can 't win . Because we are a family . Off ice we may not be the best of friends , but you push the grudges aside and play the game . It is a game of respect and grace , patience and diligence , but you must also be fast , and furious . You have to have a flame burning inside of you so hot it could melt the ice you play upon . That flame is what keeps you playing , what keeps you going for countless hours and days and months and years . And keeps the team together . It 's like carrying the ceremonial torch for the Olympics inside of you . One of your teammates breaks down . Their own tears sizzling against their flame till it 's out . They are a burnt out match . But you , you can relight them . You tell them it 's okay , you listen to their problems and you help them . You be there for them when no one else is , and you relight them . A team can break apart if the fire stops burning , it can crumble to the ground as the ashes of the burnt out players fall to the ice . That is why the heart of a hockey player must be stronger than any other part of their body . It doesn 't matter if you have the hardest shot , or you are the fastest skater . It matters that you care . You have to play as a family or you will never win . You skate with your team out on the ice , out in the somehow engaging warmup circles you do around the ice , saying hi to your teammates . Then you hear the whistle . Back to the blue line as fast as you can . 4 lines . Doesn 't matter who you are with , you are in practice mode now . You hear someone yell " 6 and 12 . " And you start skating around the circles . You skate forward crossing the sharp and fresh cut blade of your skate , to close for comfort over the laces of your other and again and again . Then you reach the top of the circle . You read yourself and slide your feet , switching their direction to face the way you came from . The sound of that freshly sharpened metal against ice is a very distinct sound . A sound that skaters enjoy . You now take your other foot and cross the sharp blades over the skate that did this before , again and again . And now you make the daring transition from backwards to forwards . Moving as graceful as a swan , but as fast and diligent as a tiger , feet facing out but your body in , knees bent , so you are in a plié for a split second , and then you are forward again . And you do this . 3 times . Then back 3 times . Then again . Again . You do this till the blood is pumping through every inch of your body and you are out of breath and your muscles ache . Then the whistle is blown again . Back to the center of the ice . You take a knee . The soft fabric of your sock sticking to the brittle ice , like a snowflake to a jacket . This is it . This is the drill you dread every practice . Crosbys . Named after one of the legends of the game . This required you to do the gruesome Plié again , but you hold it , round and round your muscles aching and stretching beyond their reach . You must trust the edges of your skates to support you . The crisp and thinly sliced insides of the blade of your skates , Cut into the ice , leaving a lasting mark on the ice with a sweet crunching sound . Carving yourself into every step , leaving your mark behind you . The drill is one of importance . But you dread it oh so much . But you do it . You stick through it . You do it with every other person who dreads the drill , and you do it as hard as you can . Because this is hockey . You have to try , You have to care . But they both come back to the heart and mind . We are strong . We have courage . We care . We have passion . We are hockey players . Posted on January 6 , 2016 by Bot _ Dr _ Alphys Reply I went down into my basement running to my Xbox One , I quickly turned it on and started Forza 6 , then I started matchmaking for a race . Finally I found a race there were 18 players waiting in the lobby waiting to race . Some players were using the fastest car in the game the Bugatti Veyron . I was using the 2017 Ford GT . There was 20 seconds until the race , then we went to the starting line . I started the race in 5th place then someone swiftly drove next to me and I spun out lots of people passed me and I ended up in last place I was struggling to get to first place but I knew there was still hope . I can barely see the other cars in front of me . I eventually pass enough people to be in 2nd place in the race . Most of the windows on my car were broken . The 1st lap passed by very fast , I was still in 2nd place , but there were still people right behind me . I heard the cars behind me roaring through the speakers . I didn 't think I would be able to make it into first place before the race finished . I looked into my mirror and there was someone right behind me . I kept turning when they turned so they couldn 't get in front of me . Then they tried to hit me but instead they spun out furiously and I went into first place . I had 2 more laps to go before I finished . It was a very intense race with 18 people in it . I didn 't know if I could stay in first place but I managed to do that then someone quickly came in front of me and hit my car so I spun out . The race was over and I ended up in 4th place . I knew I wouldn 't be able to win because to top 3 people were using the fastest car in the game . My cars speed didn 't even come close to beating theirs , but at least I leveled up so I could spin the prize wheel , the grand prize was a Locust formula race car its worth 1 million in game credits , and I pressed stop spinning and closed my eyes hoping for the Locust . I could not believe my eyes when I saw what I got . Finally I got the grand prize , I was so happy I could not help buPosted in Personal Narrative | Leave a reply Posted on January 6 , 2016 by ellielefton20 Reply " Hurry up . We can 't be late ! " Mom yelled . Her voice sounding exited . When I got in the car , I thought wow , today was the day I had been waiting for , for over a year . I was so excited . In my purple dress cold from the February frost in the air , I was ready . I stepped out of the car grabbed the challah my friend 's mom had made for the luncheon . The parking - lot was empty but I knew it would soon fill with all my family and friends . I ecstatically walked inside the temple with the lady who works at the front desk saying good luck ! I looked behind me and the photographers were there . I walked to the sanctuary . I turned the lights on and looked where I would soon read Hebrew . There I stood on the bema where I placed the binder which I would read from . My family arrived . With smiles on our faces , lights flashed . Before I knew it everyone arrived . I went behind the bema and my mom said good luck as I got ready to start . I walked out nervously as everyone was watching me . I stood high feeling faint and grabbing the paper with my sweaty , shaking hands , I sang the first song with my rabbi . For the first half , it was nerve - racking . I got used to it but it 's not that easy when 150 people are watching you and you can 't mess up . It became easier when I walked around with the torah and people shouted good luck as I walked by . At the end I took a sip of the apple juice was in place of wine and the bread and then it was over . At the luncheon , we ate and watched a montage . I watched while everyone awed at my baby pictures . Then I sat with my friends as we talked about everything that had happened . Then , people left and I would soon see them at my party . I went home depressed that it was all over but happy I did so well . One of my friends that had moved from our school and was staying with us had come home with me . We hung out and then I got my hair done in curls for my party . I put my dress on and then we were on our way to Meadowbrook country club . I arrived an hour early so I could have a photo shoot with my family . When my family got there we took a lot of pictures . Then , I stood by the door waiting eagerly for my friends to arrive . When people started arriving I would point them the way of the party room and then they would receive tickets from a ticket booth . There were two rooms . In the first one there were tables that looked like popcorn , a big light that read Ellie , a dip and dots stand , and a popcorn stand . We first went in the first room which wasn 't the main party room . We played games , ate popcorn , and I received many presents from my friends and family . Thirty minutes after everyone arrived , we went into the big room which had been covered by curtains . I was shocked ! I had been picturing it for so long and now I finally got to see it . It was amazing ! On the right side of the room laid two carnival stands . The first stand had three fishbowls with water in them with plush prizes surrounding it . The stand right next to it , had a wall with balloons on it with some darts laying to the side . On the other side of the room , there were two more stands . One of the stands had a huge block - like stage with pins sitting atop , it was a bowling game ! The stand that sat next to it , was a human ring toss ! I had taken a picture of myself in a position where people could through rings on my hands and my feet . They printed out a huge copy of it and stood it up so we could make it a ring toss game . Lastly , right in the center of the room stood a huge dance floor with lights and a DJ . I was so happy . As I walked in the DJ announced for everyone to take a seat on the dance floor . As they sat down I started to walk up to the stage in front of the dance floor . When I got to the stage I read a speech thanking everyone for coming and for whoever helped prepare me for my big day . At the end of my speech I informed everyone to stay until the end because there would be a surprise . After this , my family had prepared another video for everyone . Then we did the Hebrew blessings over the wine and the bread . This would be the last time I would recite Hebrew for everyone . Everyone got off of the dance floor and grabbed there tickets that they received when they walked in to play the carnival games . I went to the first game and tried to throw the ping - pong balls nervously into the fish bowls . I didn 't do so well but I later came back and got all three in ! Then I went and threw darts at balloons and hit a few . I went to every game and spent a lot of time at the ring toss . Then I went on the dance floor and danced with my friends . After a lot of dancing we decided to get dip and dots from the other room and take some pictures . I smiled with my arms around my friends , looking at the camera . Then I went back to my friends and we ate dinner . The kids had their own spate room to eat and as we ate people untied the balloons held down to the table , they would suck the helium in as their voices squeaked . As all the balloons popped and came down I ate a hamburger and then we had desert . For desert , I had cotton candy , and a birthday cake , because of my birthday being on the same day . As everyone sang happy birthday I blew out the candles . After dinner we all went back to dancing . I played more games , visited with friends , and talked to my family . I was much exited because it was getting to the party where I would revile my surprise that I had announced at the beginning of the party . After about another hour of dancing , giving out prizes , and winning carnival games I was ready . My party planner called me outside of the party and I would now costume change to get ready for my surprise . I went outside and sat on the deck where I would soon fall . I felt the freezing water with my feet as I almost changed my mind from how cold it was . As I got ready my friends and family huddled in a line and came out the door to see the surprise . I smiled as my friends and family yelled " OMG ! A DUNK TANK ! " As I shivered I couldn 't wait but was also nervous to feel the shock when I would hit the water . The tank was supposed to be inside , but here was a leak so they had to drag it outside . As my friends watched , the DJ picked names out of a hat that I had written to get called up to dunk me . A few of my friends and one or two family members came up , but they were told to miss . In the end my mom came up and I knew it would be the slam dunk . As she threw the ball I could hear the DJ said hit it ! My mom looked at me in contemplation and I shook my head and then said go . She threw the ball and missed . She tried again and hit it . As the people cheered I hit the cold water in shock and shivered from the cold . I got out and the party was pretty much over . I got a nice warm jacket from my cousin and kept dancing as people left . When everyone left I was sad . I packed all of the presents in the car and said goodnight to the DJ . As I left I was sad but my friends were sleeping over so it wasn 't totally over . As I drove home I was depressed that it was all over and I wished I could have the experience again . When I woke up my friends left and I thanked my mom for the best day ever . For the next few days I was depressed that I couldn 't look forward to it anymore , but happy with the outcome . It was truly the best day of my life . Posted on January 6 , 2016 by chynah Reply Sweat trickled down the side of my face , making a subtle splash on the steaming hot gravel . I moved my left hand back and forth trying to wipe away the droplets . The sun beamed its strong powerful rays on me with no remorse . Flapping the Schlanker Funeral Home church fan through the air didn 't help much either . Tiny feet and antennae landed on me one by one , while the miniscule , yet pointy proboscis of mosquitoes punctured every inch of my body . Digging my claw like nails , into each bite made me resemble the deep red of a raspberry . Inhaling and exhaling slowly , the rich smell of fresh air colliding with the bland smell of death . Death is a toxic virus that floated around in the air , and it was something I didn 't want to catch . My vibrant yellow daisy corsage was sticking me in the chest , which reminded me of not only happiness , but my great grandmother Mildred Daisy 's death . Each petal slowly fell to the ground and the smell slowly faded away . All around me looked like a swarm of darkness , taking over the bright blue sky , and the light gray gravel . It was actually just my friends and family , who were filled with sorrow . I heard the loud clanking of buckles , the floppy church hats swaying though the air , the sound of each shoe hitting the ground and making a sizzle . For once I was separated from everything , I was connected with the world . " Chynadoll , is that you . Look at you , you so tall , and so grown looking " . I smiled , who is this person , I thought to myself . " You don 't remember me , I 'm your Aunt Diane , me and your mom were besties when we were younger . " " Oh , yeah . Hi , Aunt Diane , I have to go we 'll catch up later . Love you . " I walked away from Aunt Diane , as fast as my long legs would take me . Finding my way through the black maze , I bumped into my cousin Sierra . " Sierra , Oh my gosh ! I 've missed you so much . " I said . " I 've missed you to , how are you . " Sierra replied . " Sad , but I 'll get over it " , I said . " Same , plus they made the funeral the day after Mother 's Day , which makes it even worse . " Sierra said sorrowfully . " Remember that time Granny Daisy sat us on her couch , and started telling us to pursue our dreams no matter what , and that time she gave all of her money to Mr . Jenkins , the homeless guy . " I could tell Sierra would break down any minute , it was just a waiting game . " Oh yeah , do you remember the time she called me a hippo " She was such a wonderful person , so kind , loving and she had a huge heart . I miss her so much . " My eyes started burning , and I felt my eyes filling with water . I knew , if I started crying , I would turn into the next hurricane , and destroy everything in my sight . Sierra looked into my eyes and I could tell she saw the pain , " and the time she called you and I hippo . " A small light chuckle slipped out my lips , which were covered in purple lipstick , to support Alzheimer 's . Suddenly , music played over the loud speakers , and the crowd of blackness shifted forward . Our talk of good times was interrupted , with death , and sorrow . We trailed behind my uncle , following his strong scent of cigarettes , into the funeral home . One foot in front of the other , slow and steady . The carpet inside the home was full of footprints , and I studied them each pair at a time . The crystal chandeliers , were elegant and reminded me of the one in my grandmother Daisy 's living room . I walked past my aunts and uncles , who were arguing about who would get what from Daisy , and past my nieces and nephews who sat playing with Barbie 's and trucks , having no clue what was going on . On my way to my seat I saw my grandma Daisy , and it broke my heart . She looked so different . At least she was well dressed , and had on her best gold , and diamonds , with her best wig as usual . She was surrounded by all white , which made her look innocent . It was good to see a more pure color that represented peace , instead of a dark color that represented death . I took a seat in a rough cement like , rubber chair that forced me to sit up straight . To the right of me was my cousin Sierra , and to the left , a man who was an unknown entity . In the front five or six rows , were all the " important " family members , like Sierra , my mom , all my aunts , uncles , and then there was me . While in the back , were friends , and second or third cousins . There is a major caste system in my family . On top you had Daisy , then Rosemary ( my grandma ) , Joyce , Arlene , and Miranie ( my aunts ) . Under them you had all of their kids , and so on and so on . The lace on my black , floppy church hat , started to agitate me , as it itched the rounded tip of my nose , but I knew today wasn 't about me . Finally , the music stopped , everything was silent , and my grandmother Reverend Rosemary began the service . " Lord we come to you today in the mighty name of Jesus , asking that you send angels down to bless our precious Daisy on her journey to heaven , we know that today is not just a funeral , yet is a celebration . I know that she was dear to all of our hearts , and the fact that she is gone is heartbreaking . " After Rosemary talked , everyone else got up and spoke on the scenario , and how wonderful a person Daisy was . After everything was done , I got to see Daisy one last time , and that was it . Posted on January 6 , 2016 by zmoney45 Reply I remember my first tip - off like it was yesterday . I entered the gym like I was a toddler in a candy store . I was so pumped to go against people that were older than me ; but deep down inside , I was so worried I wasn 't going to play to my best ability . I figured playing with kids that are older than me , that they have been playing the sport I love the longer than me . So therefore , it wasn 't exactly going to be a walk in the park . My coach kept talking to me trying to encourage me , all I heard was the basketball bouncing once , and imaging me facing the opposing team , the ball going in the air and me standing ready to jump up like rabbit in the fields of grass . Remind you , I 'm the only " young one " on the team so the other girls on the team are so calm and just acting like it 's just another game of the season . Coach called the team over for the last time before the game started . " You guys need to play hard . If you say you love this game then show it , " said he yelling in excitement . That 's a term basketball players use to express when the ball is on the ground . When a loose ball comes , we have to get on the ground and go for the ball . But back to the story , by the time the pep talk was done I was sweating bullets . I knew my coach was going to be mad if I didn 't win the tip - off . When I heard the refs blow the whistle , it was show - time ! I walked to the circle that is located in the middle of the court then I felt like I was trapped in that small circle . It felt the circle was choking me . The ref was about to throw the ball in the air so I got ready to jump as high as I could . Next thing I knew , I won the tip - off . My team got the ball and we ran down the court as fast we could . It didn 't even take 30 seconds for us to get 2 points . I was so proud of myself . I won a tip - off against a kid that has been playing basketball longer than me , much taller than me , and a few years older than me . By the time half - time came around we were down by 3 points with 50 . 9 seconds left and it was our ball . Coach told us to drive to the basket and try to get an " and - one " or try to get the ball into the post to me so I could just drive it in . It was 30 seconds to go , they get the ball to me and I go in for a lay - up and somebody fouls me . But at this point I just needed the ball to go into the hoop so we would have a better chance of winning . And the ball was just bouncing and hit the rim and backboard until it finally went in . The team and I were so happy and my coach was jumping up and down . Boy , I was so nervous because the game was on my shoulder . If I didn 't make the free throw I would disappoint my team and my coach . If I make it the team and coach were going to be excited and then we could count another win of the season . I got to the free - throw line and my hands are sweating , the ref gave me the ball . I took my time and followed through with my shot and … . SWISHHHH goes the ball through the hoop . My team and I were so glad that we got to count another win to our season . After all that hard in practice that week , it really paid off ! |
Have you ever wanted to be someone else so desperately that you wished for it with everything you had ? Closed your eyes at night and prayed you would wake up as someone else ? Would sacrifice anything to just not be you for another day ? That 's how I used to feel when I first came here , fourteen years ago a screaming child of four , crying as my parents walked out of this place without me . I stayed like that for a long time , too , a black hole of emotion . I 'd destroy any light that came too close . I cursed the world and everyone that dwelled upon it . I don 't know why it happened . Maybe it was simply age or maturity , but the anger that had been pouring out of me like a spigot on full blast started to slow . I realized that this was it , the only life I was going to get . I could either let myself rot here in misery or I could find a way out . I 'd already gotten one second chance . I 'd survived when so many others hadn 't . Was I really going to waste it here ? See the thing is , I 'm a Plaguer , one who 's had the Bloody Death and lived . That 's not something many can say . When the Bloody Death hit the world a hundred and fifty years ago , it had a zero percent rate of survival . From what I 've heard and read , one day no one had ever heard of the Bloody Death , and the next it ripped through the human population like a forest fire after a six - month drought . And just like a fire , it killed fast and painfully . People would be up walking around fine , only to fall bleeding on the street one moment , and gripped in agony and dead the next . From the records left behind of that time , ninety - five percent of the population contracted the Bloody Death and all of them died during the initial outbreak . Not to mention that it didn 't spring up and then disappear . No , it 's been coming back every ten or twenty years . You don 't have to be a math genius to know those odds suck . I guess it 's a good thing there were so many humans to start with or we might have gone the way of the dinosaurs . Everyone is fearful of when the next wave might hit . Maybe that outbreak will be the one to end us all . It 's not like anyone knew where the Bloody Death came from , or why it still mysteriously showed back up from time to time , which added to the fear . The unknown and all that ? Some people have a real hang - up about not knowing things . I don 't understand that fear , but maybe it was because as a Plaguer , I 've always known more than I wanted . The first couple of days after I 'd survived the Bloody Death , I 'd thought I was the luckiest girl to walk the Earth . I was young when it happened , only four and so full of childish delusions . Children can be like that before life teaches them better . I still regard myself as lucky , but now I know survival comes at a cost . The Bloody Death changes you , makes you see things . They say these things aren 't true , but I know better . They say all Plaguers are psychotic , contaminated and ruined , need to be locked away to protect society from the evil they spew about monsters . I say they 're blind . But maybe willfully so . I know what the Plaguers before me have said . I 've seen the things they 've seen . There 's a reason no one wanted to believe them . I understand why they hide us in places like this . I 'd prefer to take my chances . I didn 't survive the Bloody Death to only go on and live as if I were truly dead . If I was meant to be alive , I didn 't want to walk this Earth - I wanted to truly live it , dance and revel in everything it had to offer , feel every sensation and emotion open to the human psyche . I would . Even if it took me until I was a hundred and I only had one single day of freedom , I would not die here ; I would die living . The door to my cell opened and startled me . It wasn 't time for the daily release yet . I looked up from my bed , already dressed for the day in the simple white dresses we were given , to the guard . I sat on a metal folding chair in the bleak visiting room of painted cement , among a handful of other " patients " sitting with their parents or other family members who hadn 't given up on their kin yet . It was only a matter of time . They all threw in the towel eventually . It was almost understandable . I had a pretty thick callous built up over my heart from hearing the crying and pleading all the time , and it still clawed at me . Seeing it once a month or so when you had that fresh heart meat all tender like ? Brutal . Plus , no one ever got out . Once you were here , there was no release . You died here . But not me . That wouldn 't be my end . Out of the corner of my eye , I caught sight of the woman across the room watching me . She was one of the nurses , or at least that 's what she pretended to be . Like the Plaguers before me , I knew better . A dark haze clung to her like a storm cloud she couldn 't shake or maybe didn 't want to . There was a name for them . Dark Walkers , the Plaguers had called them . Even before I 'd come here , before I 'd gotten sick , I remembered the tales spread by the Plaguers . I 'd thought they were ghost stories . My mother had told me Dark Walkers didn 't exist . Of course I believed her . My parents had been my entire world - until they weren 't . As the Dark Walker stared at me , I worried another knot in a head already full of red ones , never breaking from the act that helped keep me alive . Once upon a time , behaving as crazy as they said I was had been an act . I 'd watched some of the other inhabitants of the Cement Giant and learned it all from them , the actions that would deem me mentally unstable . I 'd embraced the facade because it was better to have your enemy think you were crazy and weak than having them know you were just waiting for your moment . The nurse 's attention was fine - tuned on me worse than normal today , but I was always on their radar . The Dark Walkers knew , or at least suspected , that I could see them for what they were . They ran test after test , each more painful than the last , but I never gave them what they wanted . It was ironic that my hunters were the only ones that wanted the truth and the last ones I 'd ever tell it to . At exactly nine , my visitor made his entrance . He had to be here for me , as I was the only one left sitting alone across from an empty seat . But even though it had to be him , I doubted what my eyes were seeing . He looked nothing like the others the Dark Walkers had sent , trying to trick me in to divulging my secrets in the past . He was late twenties or maybe a very well aged early thirties . Even dressed up in his suit , he didn 't look like a pencil pusher or a government worker . There was an edge to him that had nothing to do with his dark coloring or deep - set eyes . He scanned the room , like I did when I was sizing up which guards were on duty . He handed his badge over to a nurse of the normal human variety . She made a show of flipping it over like she had some clue , clearly not viewing him as the threat I saw him to be . Sometimes I found it shocking how easily people believed what they were told . I wanted to shake her and tell her to wake the hell up . I 'd tried doing that in my younger years . It never worked . People believed what they wanted . Most of the time it 's the things they find most beneficial to their situation , and they do all sorts of mental gymnastics to make it fit neatly into their reality . The Dark Walker in the room with us noticed , though . They didn 't miss much and didn 't seem to have the same aversion to reality that humans sometimes had . This one had been here for a few years and she was even savvier than most of the ones I 'd met . I watched her watching him . She seemed to be at full alert , as if she was viewing him as a threat . I didn 't break eye contact . After all , I could only play meek so much , and I didn 't see a reason here for the charade . This wasn 't a Dark Walker or one of their spies that I needed to hide my true self from . I shot him my what the hell do you want stare . It was a particular favorite of mine and handled quite a versatile amount of situations with little effort . It was also something that flew under the radar if a guard wasn 't looking at your face at the time . It ranked even higher than my you 've got to be fucking kidding me with this shit stare , which usually needed more information about what was happening before it could be used . There was a subtle movement of his head that may or may not have been a nod , a picking up of the gauntlet - challenge accepted ? I 'd like to think I was right , but every so often I did wonder if perhaps I was as crazy as they said . How the hell would I know , anyway ? It 's hard to be objective about one 's own sanity . What if the guy just had a crick in his neck ? He turned away to sign the paper and then the nurse pointed him in my direction , even though it was clear he knew exactly where to go . He wasn 't getting any credit for knowing . I was the only person sitting alone . He could have the IQ of a rock and have figured that out . He walked over toward the table in a sluggish manner , completely at odds with the physique his ill - fitting suit tried to hide . He pulled out the chair and sat down across from me , again with the stilted movements of someone fifty years older and horribly out of shape . I couldn 't believe this act actually worked on some people . There was something hard about his pale eyes but I wasn 't afraid of him . Most people probably were when he wasn 't playing dress - up . I should 've been too , but it was difficult to dredge up fear for a human when you lived your life next to monsters . Now that he was in range , generally within five feet of me , I waited for some of my " Plaguer Delusions " to hit . The information I got from people was never delivered in the same way but there were usually certain similarities . Sometimes the memories hit hard and fast and other times they leaked out in a small trickle . It wasn 't like I 'd never drawn a blank before ; it just wasn 't often . Figured it would be him who would leave a big fat blank . Most of the time , I didn 't want to see the things people shared . The flashes of a person 's history , the stuff from the darkest corners of their mind , no matter how short , told me a lot . It always seemed to be the bad stuff too , never the good , only experiences so bad they cut out their own niche in the human psyche . With a Plaguer , it was almost impossible to put your best foot forward . A good first impression meant that you didn 't kill your brother last week or rape the neighbor 's daughter . Because the truth of it is , in times like these , there wasn 't anyone who was squeaky clean . I judged people on a sliding scale and a body count . I usually gave them the first murder for free and didn 't knock serious points off until the third . Still , I didn 't need a red flag in my face to know this guy was on the hunt right now ; maybe he always was . I hadn 't survived this long without learning how to identify the threats . But what would he want with me ? I had nothing to take . I didn 't bother answering , just continued to sit and play the crazy part . This was one of the perks of being nuts . No one expected you to behave in accordance to the general population 's playbook , and I enjoyed being a nonconformist . He continued on , not missing a beat . " I 'm here on behalf of our government of Newco . My name is Samuel Right . I 'm doing randomized interviews to assess the living conditions in the Newco 's various government - run facilities . Quality control , you could say . " I nodded as I swapped my thumbnail out for the pinky . It was my least favorite nail and , as such , had a decent stub left on it . In the last fourteen years I 'd been here , not once had I ever heard of quality control interviews . No , this guy was a spy of some sort , but for who ? For what ? Not the Dark Walkers . The Dark Walkers had sent in plenty of spies over the years , trying to trick me into telling them I knew they were different . They always posed as visiting experts that might be able to help me . They 'd even sent in a supposed aunt I didn 't know of , who could take me home with her if I just told her the truth . That one had almost gotten me snagged . It had mentally fucked me for weeks , too . But I never did tell , and I had a feeling that was why I was the only Plaguer left standing in this compound . I didn 't know how , even then at the young age of four , I knew instinctively to hide my knowledge of them , but I had . Just shows self - preservation is hard - wired into us . After all , I 'd never seen a mouse sit back and wait for the cat to eat it , no matter how tiny and young it was . " May I ask you some questions ? " he asked , and I thought I caught a glimpse of something in those light eyes before they shuttered closed . It wasn 't from fear . No , this guy didn 't seem timid , and he certainly wasn 't worried about me . He was hiding something , and if I had to guess , he 'd heard enough about Plaguers to know something about what we could do but not enough to be accurate or to know how much . I leaned back in my chair and dropped the nervous nail - chewing act . I set my gaze on him , barely blinking . I said , " That is what the records say . " One of the things I hated most was thinking of the past , in particular that time after I 'd gotten sick . My parents had told me I 'd never had the Bloody Death . I 'd just had a bad flu . They sent me to school like nothing had changed , warning me to say nothing of any sickness . It might have worked if there hadn 't been monsters there , just like they were here . This Dark Walker had been pretending to be a teacher . I 'd gone back to school the next day and I saw the monster watching my friend . He was going to do something to him . I just knew it . Even then , I 'd known that just because the people around me were stupid , didn 't mean they should die . So I lay in wait at recess . While the monster was eating his sandwich , I snuck up behind him and stabbed the monster in the neck repeatedly with my pencil until there was nothing but gurgling noises . The monster was defeated . They should 've thanked me . They didn 't . There was a lot of chaos after that . They talked to my parents . I don 't know what was said but I 'd like to think they 'd fought for me , that they hadn 't had a choice . The next day I 'd thought we were going to the beach . They drove me here instead . That was when I 'd become the hunted . There were monsters here as well but I never got the opportunity to kill another . That didn 't mean I wouldn 't in the future . It was hard not to laugh in his face . I was a walking stick figure of almost comical proportions . We were all thin here , but not like me . My friends called me Olive Oyl after some cartoon they 'd found a while back . The powers that be said I needed to be on a restricted diet , that the plague would return if I were at full strength . I couldn 't say whether they were right or wrong . It wasn 't my choice and I hadn 't been given the opportunity to test the theory . I 'd like to think that there were easier ways to kill me if that was what they were after . " I eat like a queen , " I replied . " Can 't you tell ? " Why was he asking this ? It was common knowledge that Plaguers had them . We were insane . We spread lies and talked of monsters . Everyone knew it . " Delusions ? " I asked , pretending to have no idea what he was saying . Maybe he was with the Dark Walkers . This was more in line with what they would send people out to ask . Normal humans didn 't like to hear what Plaguers said , let alone give it any merit . There was a reason lines like don 't shoot the messenger came about . People didn 't like to hear bad things . If they could deny them , more than nine out of ten people would . I know , the math is a little funny there because what 's more than nine out of ten ? Yeah , you got it . Pretty much everybody . " I don 't know any other Plaguers - anymore . I can 't answer what most see , " I said . My calm was starting to be rattled . I wanted to know who this guy was . Government worker ? That was total bull . Spy for the Dark Walkers ? No , I still didn 't think so . For some reason I thought he wanted me to say yes . Like it meant a great deal to him . That this was what he had been hunting down . Part of me wanted to speak the truth to him that I denied so often . It wasn 't about making him happy or not . I was tired of pretending . Eighteen years old but I felt like I was a hundred . It felt like something was left hanging off the end of that sentence . I didn 't know what I saw in him , why I felt like he wanted this or why his slight softening undid me , but for some reason , I spoke and gave him what I knew he wanted . " Yes . I see things . " He leaned back in his chair , and for the first time since he 'd walked in the door , he openly showed me a tiny glimpse of who he really was as he smiled like he 'd just had a bloody meal of raw meat . There was someone brutal hiding behind this act . Whoever he really was , he was happy that I was a Plaguer who " had delusions . " Who the hell was this ? I wouldn 't get to find out , though . The door to the visiting room opened and I knew who it was immediately . Not only did the Dark Walkers have a cloud that clung to them , but they also had a smell . It was like a sickly sweet perfume that repelled instead of attracted . The woman who just walked in was the worst and also the one in charge . Ms . Edith , as we were told to address her , walked over to our table . Black suit , white shirt and hair pulled back without a single stray in sight . She was one of them , the dark haze clinging to her . I forced myself to sit still even though my body tensed . I hated being near them , couldn 't breathe through the smell . Luckily there weren 't too many that I came in close contact with . There were others here , but only her and the other nurse came within a few feet of me . " How are things going over here , Mr . Right ? We hadn 't expected a visit , " she said , looking at him and then me . My fingers started knotting into my hair , reflexively going into the crazy act . I hadn 't even thought of the action until Mr . Right 's eyes flickered to my hand in my hair and then back to her . Her smell was stronger than normal , and I 'd been around her enough times to know it happened when she was irritated . So he wasn 't working for them ? I looked up through lowered lashes to watch the interaction now that I knew for sure she hadn 't been aware of this visit . His eyes darted to me a few times and I had the strangest feeling he sensed how much I hated to be around her . Boy , this guy was just oozing with lies today . He looked down at his notebook and then back to her and that was when the fun really started . He softened his smile , leaned in closer to her and then offered up his arm to her . He was dialing up the sex appeal until even my inexperienced little heart was doing flip - flops , and I wasn 't even the target . Nothing of the raw brutality I sensed was showing through now , or the earlier awkward act . Seemed my visitor was quite the chameleon . Whatever Dark Walkers were , which I 'd bet my ass wasn 't human , they apparently still liked human men . She smiled back and locked her hand down on him in a way that made me imagine claws hidden under that flesh . " I have a free moment . I can show you around . " They walked off and he didn 't even glance back at me . I wasn 't sure where I 'd gotten the crazy feeling that being truthful with him was going to set something in motion , but I had . Watching him disappear with one of the monsters made me feel a little heavier in my chair , and the adrenaline that had coursed through my veins while I 'd been squaring off with him was now receding . 24 comments Categories : Uncategorized Coming early next week ! The first book in a new fantasy series that I 'm having a great time writing . It 's going to be either 3 - 4 books , possibly longer depending on how the details lay out . As much as I loved writing Karma , and I did ( I 'll miss the Jinxes forever ) I 'm pretty excited to start a new storyline . One of my favorite aspects in a book is following a character 's growth . When I wrote The Keepers , Jo had a lot of growing to do and I caught some slack for it . I think that criticism sort of stuck with me . So when I wrote Karma , I made Camilla / Karma a bit mature out of the gate and robbed myself of some of the fun in the process . With this story , I 'm starting with a character who really has room to grow and I 'm loving it . I hope you will too ! 2 comments Categories : Uncategorized With Jinxed now available as an audiobook I 've got some promo codes to get free copies : ) These codes will work on any of my audiobooks so if you haven 't listened to Karma yet , you can use it for that . Email me at donna @ donnaaugustine . com to get one . I 'll mark this post closed after they are all distributed ! Within the walls of his tattoo shop , Dead Ink , Lars hides in plain sight from the past he walked away from . But he still battles every day with the dark urges that drove him from his position as the Grim Reaper . Then Faith Dover appears , seeking his aid , and Lars discovers that he isn 't as hardened as he thought . On the run from her kidnapper , Faith stumbles into Dead Ink , towing in enough secrets and baggage to weigh down the dead . But Lars isn 't the savior she hopes him to be . Dark and seductive , he might be more dangerous than the people she 's running from . A note from the author : This is a companion romance novel that takes place in the Karma urban fantasy world . It runs parallel to Fated 's timeline . It can be read alone or in addition to the series as the final book . Genre : Paranormal Romance Length : 67 , 000 words Lars ' hand was steadier than humanly capable as he guided the tattoo gun . It wasn 't a big surprise . After all , he wasn 't human . He swiped a rag across his client 's skin and then leaned back in his chair as he looked at his masterpiece . The tattoo started between the guy 's shoulder blades and ran down his back , ending above his waist . The intertwining serpents were his creation , and a piece that was inspired by his former occupation as Death , also known as the Grim Reaper . " Shut up . " Lars preferred either complete silence or blaring music while he worked , but never idle chitchat . The constant drone of a human 's voice was akin to a fly buzzing in his ear . He didn 't understand why the majority of humans constantly needed to vocalize every thought that popped into their brains . It was only he and the client in his shop , since the two other tattoo artists he employed were off today . If you weren 't getting a tattoo , you weren 't allowed in the shop while he was working because , like he 'd mentioned , humans never shut the fuck up . If they weren 't talking to themselves they were getting all into his space , oohing and ahhing . He didn 't care what some random asshole off the street thought of his work . Even if it was a chick he was considering having sex with later , and he got plenty of those in here too , he didn 't want to talk while he worked . " I told you . Shut . Up . Speak again and I won 't finish . " Lars knew that wasn 't a problem . The guy would either shut up or he 'd knock him upside the head and shut him up . " Shut up ! " Lars said as he jammed the tattoo gun over a sensitive area of his client 's already battered skin . " I don 't give a shit about the money . " The guy didn 't say another word . Lars hadn 't been lying either . He didn 't do this for the money . He did it because , for some reason , he felt compelled to . When he 'd first retired , in an unorthodox manner , from the agency that ran the Universe , he thought a tattoo shop would be a good cover for him . There were always fringe sorts hanging around these types of establishments , the kind of people who weren 't looking to blend in with society but to break the norms and live as they wanted . He 'd always respected that , and it seemed to be a perfect environment for him to hide in plain sight . In the beginning , he 'd hired some artists to do the work . One day , a hot chick he considered banging wanted him to give her a tattoo . Out of pure boredom , he agreed . He started dabbling , on and off . A year later , he looked up and realized he 'd been doing it every day and that when he was tattooing was the only time he felt completely at peace . Her voice was high pitched and screamed of estrogen , just the way he liked a woman 's voice to be . He knew exactly what that voice would sound like if he decided to take her to bed , but he was working so he didn 't bother looking up . He 'd had too many women to get excited about just one , at least not while he was in the middle of a piece . " I told you to get out . " She did have a nice voice . He knew she was cute without even looking . " Come back in a couple of hours , " he added as an afterthought , still not bothering to look at her . Even if she wasn 't attractive , he 'd bang her from behind . There was usually at least one acceptable angle to be found . He froze . She looked like a wood nymph . Her blonde hair , too thick for her head , was wild and unkempt . Large turquoise eyes peeked out from a dirty face . None of that was why he nearly knocked into the table next to him . Whoever she was , she wasn 't human . " Get out , " he said , this time to the guy he 'd been working on . When his client didn 't move , he nudged him with his knee . " I told you to get out . " He turned back to her and her feet started shuffling away . She thought about the list of threats she 'd taken from Malokin 's desk . Lars and Dead Ink had been the first name on the list and the easiest to get to . When you didn 't have a car , or a dime to your name , location trumped all . But now , standing here , looking at who Lars was , she wondered if she should 've taken another few minutes to assess her options . But it wasn 't just his size , his long black hair or the tattoos running up his arms that peeked out above the neck of the t - shirt that made her eyes shoot to the now locked door . It was what she couldn 't see that frightened her most . She felt an energy about him , with his nearly - black eyes locked on her , and she fought back a shiver . There was a hunger about him . She didn 't know what he craved but she could sense it , as if he weren 't complete . The way his gaze was appraising her , like he was now , made her wonder if it was something he thought she could satiate . She wasn 't exactly sure what she 'd expected Lars to be like . Just because he was an enemy of Malokin 's , one of the crazy psychopaths who 'd abducted her , didn 't mean he would be an ally of hers or that he 'd be the opposite , a sweet and kind man . But she 'd hardly been thinking logically in the last week , let alone in the five minutes she 'd had to make her decision before she 'd dashed out of that hotel room the first opportunity she 'd had . He stopped moving and settled into a spot several feet in front of her , between her and the front door . Feet spread , arms loose at his sides , he looked as if she 'd need a bulldozer to move him out of her way . She turned her head , looking to see if there was a back exit if need be . She let it go , knowing her mouth had run ahead of her brain like it occasionally did . It would be idiotic to push this situation into an unnecessary conflict . She needed his help . She had to keep that paramount in her mind and be nice , even if it killed her . " I don 't know , " Faith answered and realized as bizarre as it sounded , it was true . She 'd known who she was a week ago but not anymore . If she looked up her full name , Faith Dover , on the web , she was fairly certain she 'd find an obituary for someone who bore no resemblance to the person she looked like now . " You better come up with something better than that . Usually when I meet people who aren 't human , and I don 't know them , I kill them . Take the opportunity I 'm giving you to explain before I get tired of waiting . " He took another step forward until he was only a foot away , and a tremor ran through her that she hoped he didn 't notice . He was definitely impatient . She had a feeling he wasn 't the type to naturally run long on that attribute anyway . She 'd never been easily intimidated but dying seemed to have unsettled her composure a bit . Maybe she should 've gone to the second name on the list , someone named Fate , but this place had been closer . She had to believe that the five miles between this location and the next address didn 't mean the difference between life and … Could you even kill a dead girl ? She watched as he stood in front of her and realized that , good or bad , the choice was out of her hands , for now anyway . She was here , and her second and third choices were no longer available . Might as well lay it all out on the table . And come to think of it , she had already died once this week and come out of that intact . If he did kill her , maybe she 'd just keep coming back ? " I really don 't know anymore . I can tell you who I used to be . " She watched his face , waiting to see what reaction he would have . There was none . " Keep talking . " He didn 't retreat or continue forward , the only movement was to cross his arms , showing off the striated muscles of his forearms . The gesture worked against physics and somehow made him look larger . She thought of how to explain all that had happened , not sure how to tell him the chaotic events that had occurred . He was going to think she was insane . What if she told him and he called someone from the loony bin to come and get her ? She did a mental shake of her head as she appraised him . No . Chain her up in a basement ? Maybe . Call the cops or an ambulance ? She 'd bet no on that one . " Talk . " He leaned forward as he said it . If she didn 't start giving him what he wanted , he 'd be on top of her soon . The buildup of frayed nerves took over and she decided to run with the situation as she started babbling it all out , without a thought to what was being said . " I was running an art show in my gallery in Seattle , and I went outside to go get my phone . It was dead , and I wanted to charge it , but I didn 't have a cord in my office because I lent it to a friend the day before , and so I only had a car charger and I hate not having a phone and there was no - " " I get it . You went outside . " He made a rolling motion with his hand so close to her it caused a few strands of blonde hair to sway . His eyebrows rose slightly . " Then what ? " And here came the ugly part she didn 't like to think of , let alone have to explain to someone . " There was a sharp pain . Someone stabbing me , I think , but I 'm not sure because I couldn 't find any wounds and I still can 't , and then I was somewhere else entirely and it wasn 't Seattle anymore , and I didn 't look like me . There was this guy who said I was dead and I had to work for him , and I think I 'm having a psychotic break because none of this makes any sense , but he had your name on a list of threats and I made a run for it - " " Who ? " Faith didn 't care that he kept cutting her off . She wasn 't sure anything coming out of her mouth was making sense anyway . It didn 't sound plausible to her and she 'd just lived through every horrifying second of it . Maybe she should 've gone to the cops , but if it were true … if she was dead , and all the things that had happened to her were accurate , what would the cops do ? She didn 't look like herself anymore ; she had no proof that she was who she said . She 'd definitely end up in a psych ward for sure , locked up like a sitting duck for that psycho to come and pluck her up , pretending to be a relative or something . No ; Lars , as intimidating as he looked , was still the better choice . She looked at him with that thought in mind . Boy , she might really be fucked if he was it , though . She had a feeling the odds were really low on him having a Good Samaritan plaque hanging in the back somewhere . " The one who wanted you to work for him ? " His voice was calm as he reminded her that he was still waiting for an answer , and somehow she heard the weight of the question he 'd just put to her . She had a feeling he was already suspecting the name she was about to give but she wasn 't sure if it would be a good or bad thing . She looked around , as if just uttering his name would somehow make it possible for him to find her here , and then decided she 'd probably read too many Harry Potter novels . She cleared her throat , trying to get rid of the hitch she knew would be there , and forced the name out anyway . If Harry could do it , so could she ! " Malokin . " Faith nearly tripped in her effort to move farther away from him . He didn 't seem to notice as he let out a string of curses . She backed up until the wall was at her back and prayed to a god she was fairly certain had forsaken her that she hadn 't made a huge mistake . Then she remembered that she was an atheist . Oh yeah , she was screwed for sure . First his friend Fate dragged him into this mess with Malokin , and now the shit storm was literally spreading into his shop , Dead Ink . Up until this point , even with the gangs on the street and the way the riots were kicking up , he 'd managed to maintain some semblance of normality . The world might be going to hell but in his small corner , there was still normal civilization . It might only be a block long but it was enough for him . She 'd marched right in here and dragged Malokin , the most likely cause for this upheaval , right along with her . Malokin was a sadistic bastard who lived for pain and anger and had been eluding him and the guys for years . The only thing they knew about him was that he was somehow the psychical manifestation of anger and had appeared with increasing regularity , right along with the increase of riots and the gangs in the streets . And now he appeared to be sending care packages to Lars , all wrapped up in the shape of a helpless female with a sweet voice . And how did she get past his wards ? Anyone wishing ill upon him or his property shouldn 't have been able to make it beyond the sidewalk . Unless he 'd left a loophole ? Did he say people wishing him harm or just men ? He 'd have to redo them now . Still , she didn 't look like trouble , and you didn 't hang around as long as he did and get lied to easily . Problem was , the read he was getting off of her contradicted everything he knew about Malokin 's tactics so far . He didn 't recruit the innocent types to work for him . She could be here setting a trap . Her fingers hadn 't stopped toying with a rip in the dirty shirt she was wearing , and she looked like she hadn 't slept in a week . Her pants appeared to have been rolled around in a dirt pile while she was still wearing them , and he thought that might have been a fragment of a dead leaf stuck in her hair . He would 've thought Malokin would 've sent her out packaged up a little better . She was definitely attractive but she looked like filet mignon served up on a moldy hamburger bun . Malokin might be a sadistic psychopath but he was a sophisticated and polished one . Nothing about this made any sense . " Why did you decide to come here ? " He took a few steps closer to her , closing the distance that had been created when he 'd lost his temper , but stopped when he saw her chest rise and fall more rapidly . He didn 't want her terrified to the point she 'd hyperventilate . He wanted answers now , not in a half an hour after he 'd gone to the trouble of reviving her from a spell of nerves . " Closest to where ? Where is he ? " Lars asked , thinking maybe they 'd finally found a lead on the slippery eel 's location . They 'd tracked Malokin down many times to always get there just as the dust was settling from his departure . He could see her struggling to remember and then a thought triggering an action . She reached into her back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper and looked at it quickly . " The Breakwaters , " she said as she handed it to him , the name and address of the hotel stamped on top , his shop 's address and his name scribbled in messy handwriting below , as if she 'd been in a hurry . He pocketed the piece of paper . " You 're lying . He hasn 't been at that location for a week . " Lars knew that for certain . He and the guys had busted into the room he 'd used four days ago . It was the closest they 'd gotten to him thus far . She looked down at the floor as if she were trying to figure something out . " I guess it was a week ago . " Her eyes glanced over at one of the mirrors hanging on the tattoo shop 's wall that was framed by pictures of people 's tattoos . She raised her hand up and tried to smooth down her disheveled hair some . She certainly looked like she could 've been roaming around for a week and he started having doubts again . " You weren 't sick . You 're dead . You can 't get sick now , only hurt . When he recruited you , didn 't he bother explaining any of this ? " he asked , the contempt leaking out in his voice . Not only was he getting Malokin 's mess but now he had to school her , too ? " You weren 't sick , " he repeated sternly . " You were transitioning . " And if she was telling the truth , sick was an understatement . He 'd seen humans transition . The process looked closer to torture than a case of the flu . It wasn 't pretty , and to have to do it by yourself , all alone out in the elements ? He thought back to the wet weather they 'd been having but then shook off the feelings of pity . It was probably a bullshit story anyway . Although her appearance made a little more sense if she 'd gone through it by herself out there . " I couldn 't stay there with him . He was doing … " She started shaking her head as if she wanted to mentally rid herself of whatever she 'd seen . Her face told him everything he needed . Torture . Nothing surprising there . He 'd get more information on that later but let it drop for now . She was a scattered mess as it was . He could get the details after he got the more important information . " How did you get away ? " He turned and took a couple of steps away from her as he digested the whole story . It was so unbelievable that it almost became plausible again . If Malokin had coached her , given her a story to tell him , this one was idiotic or brilliant , because he had no idea what to think anymore . But he knew she was scared . He could smell it on her , hear it in the fluttering of her rapid heartbeat . At least that part was something he could be confident of . You can 't fake scared . Pheromones didn 't lie . Still , the idea of Malokin going to the bother of recruiting someone and then simply letting them have enough freedom to get up and walk out that easily made his suspicions rise up and stay there . " Go over there and sit . " He pointed to the free chair he used when he tattooed . She hesitated . He had to give it to her ; she had some guts . He barked out , " Sit , " again , but with a bit more force , and it got her moving . He was scaring her more but a certain amount of fear would be beneficial to his cause now that he had some answers . He 'd get cooperation easier . She sat in the chair he 'd told her to but was pretty sure it was because he 'd shocked her into action . He barked out , " Don 't move , " in a deeper tone . The last thing he felt like doing today was chasing her through the parking lot . He dug out his cell phone from his pocket as he kept an eye on her . He walked to the farthest part of the room he could and still keep her in his line of vision . He dialed Fate , the reason he was knee deep involved in any of this shit to begin with . " I got an unexpected visitor you will be interested in meeting , " Lars said and then continued on to tell him everything he 'd found out so far . " I need you and the guys to get over here and figure out what to do with her , because this is not going to be my problem . I want this mess out of my shop by tonight . " 5 comments Categories : Uncategorized It 's that time again ! Audible . com has given me some free audiobook codes with the release of Karma on audio . I like to offer them to you guys first . Email me at Donna @ donnaaugustine . com if you want one for you or a friend . They will work on all of my audio books available there . |
Here are some of the many birds that feast at our bird feeder . These pictures were taken by Stella from the side window of the trailer . What a view ! One of the redbirds eating some of the food that was thrown on the ground by the other birds . This squirrel was also eating on the ground . He had been climbing up the metal pole to get at the birdseed until I put up a paper plate to keep him down . Hey , who the heck did this to me ? Can 't a poor little squirrel get something to eat around here ? Maybe I can just pull this thing down and climb over it . There 's plenty of delicious food just inches away . Hmmmm maybe I can just eat the edges off this plate and get up there ! I 'm tired , gonna go find a snack on the ground . I 'm sure those birds knocked a lot of food off for me to eat . Made it ! Now to dine ! Oh boy , oh boy . . . . ! These two days we didn 't do anything but do our chores . Pretty boring stuff . It is fun to just sit and watch the birds , and of course , there is the herd of deer that lays down in the high grass behind our site . We leave next week for the Rio Grande Valley for a month but we 'll be back here in March . I don 't know if we 'll have this same site , although it would be all right with me if we did . We 'll just have to wait and see whats available when we return . So long . We woke this morning to warmer temperatures , but thats gonna change soon ! The weather - guessers on television have all be excited over another cold front thats on its way . I 'll believe it when I see it . We 've been disappointed before by them . We went out the first thing this morning to check the bathrooms . It doesn 't take all that much to keep the bathrooms clean when you keep them swept out and the trash removed . This is a pretty easy gig when we check them often . I 've been staying in touch with Jennifer and Melissa because of the impending cold weather . I would hate to find out that they turned into a big block of ice . We haven 't heard much from Kim and the boys . Since she just started a new job , we are hesitant to call her at work but have left her several messages on her phone . She either doesn 't listen to her messages or somehow they get lost . I don 't know . . . We made another couple of checks of the bathrooms in the afternoon because there are several people in the RV section of the park . There are no people in the tent or shelter areas , but we check that bathroom anyway . Stella has been working steadily on shredding our old records from the house . She is making a lot of progress but it leaves a lot of small shreds on the floor where she is working . I have been sweeping the trailer , trying to help her keep it clean . We have been using the built - in vacuum cleaner , trying to conserve space used by the old vacuum from the house . It has been working well but we 'll soon have to find some more bags for it . We were sitting around , watching television when we had some visitors drop by for a visit . Billy and Gwen , owners of Rayford Crossing and Timber Ridge . They had been checking out some parks around San Marcos and were on their way home . It was good to see them again . We will see them again in April when we return to Rayford for the Heartland rally , and of course , we are working at Timber Ridge from May - July . We really love it when our friends drop by . So long . Our days off were again filled with errands and chores . We began on Monday morning with a meeting of all the park hosts in the dining hall . Larry , the host coordinator , thanked all of us for the job that we are doing . The main purpose of the meeting was to distribute and discuss our assignments and days off . After the meeting , we went back home to see Ted and Donna off . Sadly they have things at their house that they have to get done , so they left today . We will see them again when we go to Mission next month . We ran a few errands around Sealy and decided to go up to Columbus for lunch at Schoebel 's restaurant there . This is a relatively famous buffet restaurant that we just never got to go to . The food was good , but to me , it was nothing special . After lunch , Stella wanted to go over to Bellville to visit her uncle Sonny Herreth . We spent a couple of hours at his house visiting with him and his wife before we came back home . Tuesday we got up pretty early and went to Clear Lake and Texas City for Stella to meet with clients and other work - related things . We stayed down there most of the day but returned in time to pick up one of the propane bottles to refill it . It ran out the other night in the middle of the night , as they are designed to do , and since there is the threat of more cold weather this coming weekend , I didn 't want to take a chance on running out . We returned home in time for me to see NCIS , so all is well with the world . So long . We woke this morning to warmer weather . We made our first bathroom checks before meeting Ted and Donna and Tommy and Susan for breakfast at , guess where ? . . . . . . Tony 's in Sealy . We had eaten breakfast here before and knew it was good , as everything we have eaten here has been . Tommy and Susan had to leave ( sob ) today , so they had to return to the park to pack up , but check out here is at 2 o ' clock , so there was no rush for them to leave . After a short time , they were ready to go . Stella and I had made our second check of the restrooms and were just finishing up when they pulled out . We are sad to see them go , but Susan must go back to work tomorrow and Tommy had some work to get done this week , so they had to go home . Ted and I watched the football playoffs this afternoon . We watched the first game between Indianapolis and the New York Jets here at our trailer and the second between the Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints at Ted 's . There is definitely a lot of difference between the new High Definition televisions and the old tv 's . Ted is trying to decide on a new trailer or a motorhome . Either one should have a new style television in it , but he did say that he may just improve some of the features in his old trailer and just keep it . I don 't really have an opinion on which for them to buy because there are features on both that would make them attractive . Congratulations to the Colts and the Saints as they prepare for the Super Bowl . Stella fixed a pork roast and Donna fixed a salad and some baked sweet potatoes , so our meal was ready about halfway through the second football game . It was a great meal with our friends and we enjoyed it . It ended a very nice weekend with good food and good friends at a nice state park . Life is good . . . So long . It was cold again this morning when I woke , but nothing like a few days ago . We began our hosting chores early since the park was full . I think every site was full except for the two that were being repaired . We worked in the bathrooms three times during the day , but we kept them clean and had three people that complimented us on the cleanliness of them . Some of our old Boomer friends , Jim and LeAnne came by this afternoon to visit Ted and Donna . We went over for a visit soon after they got here , and it was good to see them again . Ted and Donna had brought some steaks and Ted cooked them on the grill . Susan 's sister had come by for a visit but she had to leave before we ate , so she missed out ! We had a nice time with our friends and were sorry to see them go home . Jim and LeAnne have a fifth wheel trailer but have decided to sell it because they don 't use it very often any more . If anyone is interested in a nice 28 ' Cougar fifth wheel might want to look at this one . We stayed outside until almost dark when they had to go back home and it was getting cool again . After hugs and handshakes , we bid them good bye . We miss many of the friends we made in the Boomers and hope that we can run into them sometime in the future . So long . We woke this morning to see people pouring into the park today . Being the first pretty weather weekend since we 've been here , it was much different than our other weekends here . We had to clean the restrooms twice today , which is much more than usual , but we got it done . Stella went to the women 's side and I did the men 's and it didn 't take too long . Tommy 's sister Peggy and her husband Lin came by to visit around noon . Tommy fixed hot dogs with all the trimmings and hamburgers on his outdoor grill . It was good to see Peggy and Lin , since we hadn 't seen them since we were in Colorado . We all enjoyed our meal and had a nice visit with everyone . We helped a man get his truck unhooked from a brand new trailer that they had just picked up from Camping World . Apparently they didn 't do a pre - delivery inspection and walk around of the trailer because he had many questions . He was very appreciative and we invited him to ask if he had any further problems . We went to Tony 's for supper with Ted and Donna and Tommy and Susan . We had another great meal and visit with our friends . We really love this restaurant ! It was chilly tonight and I sold some firewood to a couple of people that came by our trailer . At least they stopped coming by before it got too late . One of the other park hosts said people have come to his rig as late as 11 o ' clock and I am thankful that no one has bothered us that late . So far we have enjoyed being park hosts here . So long . We got up this morning to go see Bob and Christina and Jerry and Joanne as they pulled out for Blanco state park . This will be their first stop on a long summer trip into Canada and ending in Alaska . After hugs and handshakes , they pulled out around 9 o ' clock . Some of our other friends are coming in today , Ted and Donna and Tommy and Susan . Ted and Donna arrived first , but Tommy was only about 30 minutes behind them . We had gone to the office to reserve their sites , but when Tommy got here , he changed his mind and changed to site # 21 , right behind us . We had put Ted and Donna into # 25 , which is right in front of us , so we are in a row with a huge area for our yards . We really didn 't need all that , but its nice to have it . We have had a herd of deer that has been sleeping in the brushy area behind our site and they returned tonight . After everyone got set up , we sat around and visited in the afternoon before going inside to take our naps . Stella had fixed some of her soup / goulash and some cornbread , so supper was made . Donna had made some Bisquik shortcakes to go with some strawberries and blueberries that she had left over from one of her meetings , so we had everything for berry shortcakes but no Cool Whip or whipped cream . Ted and I decided to go try to get some for us and went to a very small store here in San Felipe , the truck stop / grocery store also in San Felipe , another service station that had groceries in Sealy and finally , after no one else had it , Wal Mart in Sealy where we finally found it . Susan had called Tommy when she left work in the Woodlands and we barely beat her back to the park from our search for Cool Whip . Ted bought a couple of bottles of wine for Donna , and I wondered what the Wal Mart employees thought about two good looking older men buying wine and whipped cream . . . . . We came back here and had a very nice meal with our friends and sat around for a little while outside until the skeeters ran us back inside . The weather is still very cool at night , although not nearly as cold as it was a fewPosted by It is still cool in the mornings here , but the daytime temperatures are pretty moderate now . I 'm sure that this will change at some point and winter will return , but its nice now . We ate a quick breakfast here in the trailer and went on the restroom rounds . It hasn 't been too bad so far with the restrooms but at least we have a cart to ride around in . I am still getting my walks in but they are strictly pleasure walks now and don 't have work attached to them . Bob and Christina had taken their trailer to Camping World yesterday to have a hole drilled into it for a new TV cable to Bob 's new Hi Def TV . He had bought a new HD antenna and needed a new cable , so he took it to the store 's service department to have the hole drilled in and then sealed . Bob certainly deserves to have a nice hi definition television , so now he has everything he needs to watch the big games in hi def . Bob had also ordered new tires for the trailer and went back to the store to have them installed . when they finished the tire installation , they told him that the wheel bearings were bad , so he had to bring the trailer back today to have them installed . They are going to Alaska this summer ( lucky dogs . . . ) and need to make these preparations for that long trip . When they got back to the park , we decided to go out to eat tonight for our last meal together before they leave tomorrow . We got together with them and Jerry and Joanne around four o ' clock and decided on the Texas Roadhouse for supper . We all had a great meal and a very nice visit with our good friends . We will certainly miss them . So long . We again used our days off to run our personal errands that required us to be out of the park . On Monday we went to Camping World to get a replacement screen door latch because ours had broken . Of course , they have a right hand and a left hand latch and we didn 't know which one to get . I chose the right hand one , but it turned out to be wrong . In fact , neither one would work on our trailer because there a slot on one side that makes the latch sit down into the screen door frame , so I 'll have to order one from Heartland . We ran into Bob and Christina and Jerry and Joanne at CW . Bob wanted to ask if they could drill a hole through the trailer for him to run his new HD antenna , and while there we looked at some trailers . Although none of us want or need a new trailer , we still like to look . At least they didn 't have a salesman to lead us around and we could look at and comment on any trailer that we saw on the lot . Bob is having trouble with his television and I am having trouble with my Internet connection . I had decided to install an outside antenna for some increased reception , which Bob has already done with the exact antenna that I wanted . He told me that I could buy the antenna at the Flying J truck stop , so we decided to stop by and pick one up . Before we did this , we decided to go eat some lunch at the Cheddars restaurant near Katy . Although there was a wait to get in , we decided to stay . It was well worth it because we all enjoyed our meal . After finishing up , Stella and I went to Sam 's club to buy some supplies that we will split with Bob and Christina . When we got that done , we stopped off at the Flying J and made our purchase there and came back home . Tuesday I looked at the antenna that I had bought at Flying J and decided it would not work , so we took it back when we went back to Camping World to return the screen door latch . Let me tell you , it exhausting being retired and having to run all these errands . There isn 't enough hours in the day to get all this done and work too . So long . Today was a very laid back day . We planned to just veg out and watch the football playoffs today , but we began with breakfast and what we thought would be a quick check of the restrooms , but we found them pretty messy . We washed down and swept both restrooms and got through about 10 o ' clock . I came back home and started the football bonanza for today . I got to watch some of my car shows first , but at noon the football games began . Congratulations to the Minnesota Vikings and the New York Jets . There are a lot of Cowboy fans around Texas , especially here in this house . I made a bet against the Cowboys with Christina because I really wanted the " old man " Favre to win . I got razzed a lot about betting against the Cowboys , but Favre was just too sharp for the ' Boys . Christina was very gracious in paying her bet , and my money was taped to the front door when we woke the next morning . I have started sleeping later in the mornings . I still wake in the middle of the night , around 3 AM but have started going back to sleep either in my chair or going back to bed when its cold and sleeping until 7 or 8 o ' clock . I can 't explain why I still wake so early , but guess its just a habit that I 've grown accustomed to . I get plenty of sleep and don 't feel tired but I still get a nap in my chair in the afternoon when we 're not busy doing other things . My dilemma now is who I am going to root for in the NFC Championship game . Do I pull for the " Who Dat " Saints or the old man again and the Minnesota Vikings ? Right now I don 't know who it will be but I will make up my mind before the game starts . We checked the restrooms again late in the afternoon and had to do some more work there . We really can 't complain about the amount of work we have had to do since being here . The cold weather pretty much kept everyone out of the park for the first 12 days and rain at the beginning of this week kept some of the others out , so we 've had a pretty easy time of it so far . I 'm sure this will change before we leave here if not this month , in March for surPosted by We woke this morning to cold temperatures but no rain . We had been forecast with at least a 50 % chance of rain all day today , but it didn 't show up . It 's pretty mushy outside and we really don 't need any more right now . I had an idea one time to try to figure out a way to save these rainy times when they 're not needed and use them during the summer when its hot and dry but nothing ever came of it . It 's probably true what they say about not fooling with Mother Nature . . . While making my morning restroom checks I ran into Christina who told me that she and Joanne were thinking about going to a movie this afternoon . I came home and told Stella of their plans . When I finished with my chores around here , I got all settled in for an afternoon of football . Today is the second round of the playoffs and congratulations go to those " Who Dat " New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts . Stella called around five o ' clock , telling me to go pick up Bob and Jerry and for us to meet them at Orlando 's Pizza in Brookshire . We did after I unloaded several boxes of papers that need to be shredded . Everyone enjoyed the buffet and we even got to watch more of the football game there . We came back home and watched more television until bedtime . I like to read the obituaries . No I 'm not morbid but since I 've had a few more birthdays than many , I 'm checking to see if I made the list but nobody told me . I want to check to see if any old friends or acquaintances have passed on so I can pay my respects . I also miss some of the old timey names that people were hung with , not the fancy - schmancy names that the younger generation uses . Sturdy names , historic names , biblical names , unusual names and sometimes downright funny names . People today use more popular names and there are several websites for names . Facebook even ranks names by popularity and years that that particular name was popular . I 'm pretty happy with mine and don 't really care how it ranked back in the day . So long . I woke to cold rain falling that lasted all day long . The weather never got above about 56 degrees , not very cold when you remember that last weekend it didn 't get above the freezing mark all day on Saturday . The temperature was much better , but with the rain , it was still pretty miserable . In the afternoon , I checked the rain gauge and found almost 4 inches of rain had fallen overnight and all day today . I only checked the restrooms in the RV section since no one was in the tent area . I had learned yesterday that there is a 15 tent group coming in today , even in the rain ! They weren 't here yet , so I only checked one set of restrooms . So far this job has been great , with only clean restrooms that didn 't need much attention but I 'm sure that will change soon . Our good friends Tom and Judy came up from the Lakeview RV park where they are staying while Judy gets treated at the M . D . Anderson hospital nearby . Judy looked very good , considering she has just finished up her chemo treatment . She tires easily , so we didn 't do anything but sit around in Bob and Christina 's beautiful classic Landmark trailer , admiring her new additions . Jerry and Joanne came over to visit for a while but Joanne had a doctor appointment and Jerry went back to their motorhome . The six of us decided to go get something to eat at where else but Tony 's in Sealy . Everyone seems to love the country style restaurant and they didn 't fail us today . We had a great waitress named Linda , who gave us some great service . We have been waited on by Linda before , so we knew service was not going to be a problem and the food is always good here , and there is always plenty of it . In fact , the last time we were there . Linda came by and looked at our portions . She said that if we had not gotten enough to eat , she would go back and get more . Believe me , we had plenty of food ! We finished the meal with some wonderful pie and cake . I know , those of you that read this and know of my fight with diabetes will wonder how I can eat sweets and keep this boyish figure and myPosted by Sorry I haven 't been keeping the blog up , but I will try to do better . On Sunday , we just hung out here at home , watching the football playoffs . It was still way cold and below freezing in the morning , but it was warm and cozy inside . We are eating better and have been doing well eating only two meals a day . Monday is our first official day off . I had gotten an email about our friends Bob and Christina and Jerry and Joanne coming in today so we looked for them . We went into Sealy and washed our clothes and when we got back , Jerry and Joanne had arrived and were set up . Bob and Christina arrived later in the afternoon . We went over and looked at the improvements they made to their trailer while in the Rio Grand Valley . They got new carpet , new wooden blinds , and had their couch reupolstered and some new trim that matches everything . Their nice trailer is even more beautiful now . We all went to eat at Tony 's restaurant in Sealy . It was another great meal and everyone was full when we left . Tuesday , Stella and I drove down to Texas City where we picked up some papers that Stella needed to work on for her clients . We went by the house and picked up our mail and looked around again for anything that we needed . We still haven 't heard from the man that is going to buy the house to get a closing date . Hopefully he 'll call soon and give us the big date . We can 't wait ! I have forgotten to put my fuel down here . Diesel prices are slowly going back up , but I found a little station in Texas City that has some good prices . On January 5th , I filled up both tanks , taking 122 . 4 gallons to go 1520 . 8 miles for a 12 . 4 average . Keep in mind that much of these miles were towing the trailer , so I guess that 's not that bad . Today , while in Texas City again , I filled up from our running errands and our trip to Texas City . We took 17 . 1 gallons to go 308 miles for an 18 . 0 average . Much better ! Wednesday I went back to " work " , checking the restrooms , both the RV area and the tent area . Neither one needed much work , but I did pick up some trash anPosted by It was 17 degrees in the park this morning but we made it through without any problems . I had wrapped the water line with insulation . I had bought a water line heater strip but it turned out to be for hard lines so I didn 't use it . I didn 't want to melt my water line . I got an email from our friends Tommy and Susan that they were coming by for a visit later today . I went on my Park Host round , checking the restrooms both in the RV area and the tent area . After checking the RV area , I walked back into the group area and found a large group of scouts that had spent the night in their tents . Oh to be young again . . . . . Their restroom didn 't need any work , so I checked the tent area where another small group had spent the night in one of the screen shelters , but again everything was fine . I stopped and chatted with some of the other campers along my path and a couple of them said that their water lines had frozen . We talked a bit about their plans to solve their problem and I went back home . Tommy and Susan arrived around noon . We walked around the area where we are parked and they made up their mind about the sites they would like to have when they return near the end of January . With that done , we went into Sealy to get some lunch . We went to the best restaurant in town , Tony 's restaurant . They serve a cafeteria - style lunch that was very tasty . We all enjoyed our meal and after finishing up , we all had some of the great pie that they serve . Man , that some good stuff ! Tommy took us to find some more propane for our tank that had run out overnight . We went to the hardware store but all they do is sell full bottles . We drove down to Brookshire to the propane store there but they had already closed so we went to the Flying J service station where we got all filled up . We returned home and they left to drive back to their home in Deer Park . We will be glad to see them return to the park to visit . I went on my second Park host round and checked all the restrooms but found nothing that needed attention , so I returned home and inPosted by We woke to 28 degree weather today . It stayed near the freezing mark all day long , never getting above 34 on our outdoor thermometer . It made my outdoor times pretty quick but I did get my patrols of the RV area and the restrooms in during the day . They were cold walks but it felt good to get out of the trailer and in the clear air . I did talk to Larry in the afternoon and learned that the golf cart that I was to have gotten would not take a charge on the batteries , so he had left it at the shop . This brings up one of my pet peeves about the state and the way parks are funded . I have learned that everything bought at a park must come from Austin . That doesn 't sound too bad does it ? That way all materials can be accounted for by the bean counters and they can take advantage of buying in quantity and get discounts on the materials . But take it to the local level . Let 's say you are working on a lawnmower or leaf blower . You need a couple of bolts and nuts or a belt to finish your job , but if there aren 't any in stock in the shop , you have to fill out a requisition form , send it in to Austin and wait for the shipment from headquarters . That may be an extreme example , but you get my point . Why not give each park a certain amount of money , say $ 250 . 00 to buy small items locally . As the money is spent , more money is requested from Austin . In the case of the golf cart , it appears to me that it may need new batteries . There are 6 - 6 volt batteries on the cart , which would be over the limit , but why make it so difficult for the people in the parks to do their job ? The state is getting free labor in the form of Park Hosts so why not give them the equipment they need to work ? Enough of my rant , off the soapbox now . I chatted with some of the other hosts here in the park during the day . Everyone is hunkering down due to the cold , but since we 're in Texas , just wait a few days and the temperatures will be in the 60 's or 70 's . So long . Well , today ( Wednesday ) is my first day on the " job " . We went to the meeting at 9 o ' clock , which by the way , is a wonderful time to have to be at work . We met with Larry , the volunteer coordinator , to learn what will be expected of us . There was another couple with us , AD and his wife Dee , who went through the indoctrination routine with us . They are more experienced than us at being a Park Host but everyone must go through it . The main things will be to pick up trash around the park , to clean the fire pits and to keep the rest rooms clean . Our first assignment is to keep up with the restrooms in the tent area . That should be real easy this week with the forecast weather of freezing temperatures all weekend long . Larry also showed us around the shop , the supply areas and the equipment area . We signed the expected agreements and notices that we are not state employees and have no rights to insurance or any other benefits , so be careful ! We went to the tent area restroom to actually see one of the restrooms and the supply closet there . This doesn 't look too hard to me , but I may change my mind when lots of people come into the park and leave a mess behind . . . . The first thing we actually had to work on was taking the Christmas decorations down at the main headquarters . We met the other Park Hosts , Don and his wife , AD and his wife , who all worked on the decorations . There is another couple , Leon and his wife who are both being treated at MD Anderson for cancer . They were involved in a bad traffic accident recently and are slowly recovering . They are parked in the tent area in the only RV hookup site . After getting everything down and loaded onto trucks , we took it back to the shop where it was unloaded and stored . Larry and I also worked on one of the golf carts , but it wouldn 't take a charge on the battery , so I won 't have a cart to drive around to do my chores . The park ranger took the others over to the day use area where the water lines were drained and secured against the cold weather . On Thursday , I walked around Posted by This is our new home for two out of the next three months , Stephen F . Austin State Park in San Felipe Texas . San Felipe is the Birthplace of Anglo - American settlement of Texas and the original home of the Texas Rangers . There is a lot of history in this area of Texas with the original city founded in 1837 . The park is 664 acres with two parts , one recreational and the other historical . Here we are , all set up in site # 23 . We had our choice of sites and picked this one because it is level and we can use our porch and steps . We missed being able to use them in Louisiana . Cassie especially hated coming up and down the regular steps . Here 's a picture of our yard . We have an even larger area that is allowed to grow up that is behind the yard for the wildlife I suppose . The best thing about the yard is that I don 't have to keep it mowed . Monday we went into Sealy and ran a few errands and Stella washed our clothes . We didn 't go too far away today but on Tuesday we went down to Dickinson to move a few more boxes to storage and then loaded the back of the truck with records and other papers that Stella wants to go through . She will shred the ones that are no longer needed and we will return the others to storage . Tomorrow is the big day for me to start my park hosting job . So long . Today was the day that everyone dreads , going home day or in our case , moving day to another park . Of course , Harry and Judy were doing much the same as we are , but in their case they were returning to the Via Bayou park . We are going to the Stephen F . Austin state park in San Felipe TX . We will be park hosting there and are looking forward to it . I dropped off an application for S . Toledo Bend with Connie one of the park rangers for next year . We left the park about 10 : 30 and made good time back . We made a couple of pit stops along the way and got to SFA about 2 : 30 . We spoke to the same lady that hired me in the office . She told me that the park rangers are off on Monday and Tuesday , so for me to come in to work on Wednesday morning about 9 or 9 : 30 . Wow , just got to work and have two days off . I like this gig already ! We got all hooked up including the porch being put up , so we 're home for a month . This is a nice little park but there is no wifi and we must be nearly out of range for the air card because the reception is very slow . At least I got good signal strength on the dish , so we 've got good television reception . Today is my birthday . I got calls from Jennifer and Melissa and got about 40 Happy Birthday wishes on my Facebook account but no one bought me that new Nikon camera that I want LOL . I 'm sure it 's being shipped and is in the mail . A better present for me would be for the man that 's going to buy the house to call and tell me his check is ready so we can close and be rid of it . Actually , I feel so lucky to be living the life that I want to and traveling where I want to go . Everyone should be so lucky . So long . We went for a ride with Ricky and Dee to see the bald eagle nest and this is what we found . The large nest is very high up in a tree and well off the road . Here is a little better shot of the bird in the nest . Although we didn 't get to see this one out of the nest , Ricky and Dee said they had seen it sitting on one of the tree branches before . I guess we 'll have to come back to see it again . Here is a little better shot of the bird . This is the only nest that we saw but I suppose there must be others somewhere in the area . Dee and I walked out into the field to get a little closer but didn 't get too close so we wouldn 't get in trouble with the park rangers . Since we had all turned in pretty early on the rainy New Year eve , we got up pretty early and relit the fire in our gathering area between Bill and Ricky 's trailers . We had another great breakfast and then hung out by the fire . Most of us took naps in the afternoon and Judy , who was still sick , stayed inside to get better . I think this was one of the best new year parties that we have ever had . Everyone seemed to have a great time among friends , and we look forward to many more in the future . So long . Here is the trailer , all set up at the South Toledo Bend State Park . Its a back - in site that faces toward the lake . Here is a view from the front of the trailer . We are facing a " cut " in the lake that is very popular with boaters and fishermen . Another view of the lake from the front of the trailer . We have seen huge amounts of ducks in the lake in front of the rig . We even saw an eagle that had caught a duck but it happened to fast to catch it on a camera . Ricky and Dee 's site had a nice deck on it . We learned that the park is building these decks on sites that are very unlevel . It makes a great meeting area for our little group . Sunset across the lake ! Another sunset . This is a beautiful lake and we will surely be back here at some point . We snacked on sausage and cheese , boudain , boiled shrimp and cheese dip all afternoon to the point that no one wanted anything else to eat . We sat around the fire and visited , although Judy was under the weather , so she stayed inside most of the weekend and missed the party . New Year 's eve turned out to be a bust for us . We had a great fire going but about 8 o ' clock it started to rain harder and harder so everyone went in . We decided that 8 was now our midnight , so we called it a night . It was a rainy and cold night , but we all had a ball before getting rained out . So long . Today we moved from Via Bayou RV Park to Bill and Ornell 's house in Port Arthur . We plan to stay there only overnight and to go to the South Toledo Bend state park in Onacoco Louisiana the next day . We left Via Bayou a few minutes after 12 and made it to Bill 's house about 2 o ' clock without incident . We didn 't unhook the truck from the trailer so we can leave first thing in the morning . Bill backed the trailer in for me because he is so much more familiar with getting into his driveway . All I had to do was hook up the water and electricity for the overnight stay . We used the air antenna for television . I guess I 'm just getting paranoid about the truck , but now I notice every little noise or misstep of the truck . I hope to be able to put off buying another truck for a few months , preferable a year or more after we finalize the sale of the house . Hope it lasts that long . . . . We hung out with Bill all afternoon but when Ornell got home we went to HEB with them to buy our groceries for the weekend . After getting the groceries , we returned to their house and put everything away before we went to eat some good mexican food at one of Bill 's favorite restaurants . It had begun to rain in the afternoon and continued all night long . Poor Ornell got called out to work during the night but she made it to work in the morning . Bill and I woke pretty early and went to the local donut shop to get a couple of donuts for Stella and I for breakfast . It was pouring rain all morning but we pulled out around 11 o ' clock . We made good time to the state park in Louisiana . This is our first trip over here and we look forward to a very nice time at this park . It will be good to see our old friends Ricky and Dee , Harry and Judy and Bill 's neighbors Will and Tammy and their son Garrett . Bill 's son Seth and his wife Diana and their girls Lily and Lexxie are coming for one night and will stay with Bill and Ornell . So long . We left Palacios on Saturday to go to Dickinson to finish packing up our stuff that was still in the house . We have reached a deal with an investor to buy the house and we hope that it will close by the middle of January . We made the trip to Via Bayou RV park between Dickinson and Texas City where our friends Harry and Judy have been . Stella managed to get us a site right next door to them , so we surprised them when we came in . They had no idea that we would be coming there , since our plans had changed . We were supposed to have gone to Port Arthur to visit Bill and Ornell at their house for a few days before we went to Louisiana for New Years eve . We thought we 'd gotten most everything out of the house , but we soon learned how much we had left behind . We knew that all of our old bank records were there but didn 't remember how many there actually were . It seemed like we loaded and loaded on papers and took them to storage , with the intention to go through them and shred everything we can , but that will wait until we get to Stephen F . Austin . We will go down on one of our days off and get them and bring them back to the park and will sit outside and shred for as long as it takes . We got to spend some more time with Kim , Jeremy and the boys before we left , so that was good . We won 't be back down here for a long time , in May when we will be at Timber Ridge and can see them again . That 's all we did through Tuesday , work in the house and get it ready to go . We will be so glad to be rid of the house . If there is one thing I could wish for in my retirement is to have been able to get the house sold before we retired so we wouldn 't have to do all this . Its all working out , but please pray for us that this sale goes through . So long . |
Here are some of the many birds that feast at our bird feeder . These pictures were taken by Stella from the side window of the trailer . What a view ! One of the redbirds eating some of the food that was thrown on the ground by the other birds . This squirrel was also eating on the ground . He had been climbing up the metal pole to get at the birdseed until I put up a paper plate to keep him down . Hey , who the heck did this to me ? Can 't a poor little squirrel get something to eat around here ? Maybe I can just pull this thing down and climb over it . There 's plenty of delicious food just inches away . Hmmmm maybe I can just eat the edges off this plate and get up there ! I 'm tired , gonna go find a snack on the ground . I 'm sure those birds knocked a lot of food off for me to eat . Made it ! Now to dine ! Oh boy , oh boy . . . . ! These two days we didn 't do anything but do our chores . Pretty boring stuff . It is fun to just sit and watch the birds , and of course , there is the herd of deer that lays down in the high grass behind our site . We leave next week for the Rio Grande Valley for a month but we 'll be back here in March . I don 't know if we 'll have this same site , although it would be all right with me if we did . We 'll just have to wait and see whats available when we return . So long . We woke this morning to warmer temperatures , but thats gonna change soon ! The weather - guessers on television have all be excited over another cold front thats on its way . I 'll believe it when I see it . We 've been disappointed before by them . We went out the first thing this morning to check the bathrooms . It doesn 't take all that much to keep the bathrooms clean when you keep them swept out and the trash removed . This is a pretty easy gig when we check them often . I 've been staying in touch with Jennifer and Melissa because of the impending cold weather . I would hate to find out that they turned into a big block of ice . We haven 't heard much from Kim and the boys . Since she just started a new job , we are hesitant to call her at work but have left her several messages on her phone . She either doesn 't listen to her messages or somehow they get lost . I don 't know . . . We made another couple of checks of the bathrooms in the afternoon because there are several people in the RV section of the park . There are no people in the tent or shelter areas , but we check that bathroom anyway . Stella has been working steadily on shredding our old records from the house . She is making a lot of progress but it leaves a lot of small shreds on the floor where she is working . I have been sweeping the trailer , trying to help her keep it clean . We have been using the built - in vacuum cleaner , trying to conserve space used by the old vacuum from the house . It has been working well but we 'll soon have to find some more bags for it . We were sitting around , watching television when we had some visitors drop by for a visit . Billy and Gwen , owners of Rayford Crossing and Timber Ridge . They had been checking out some parks around San Marcos and were on their way home . It was good to see them again . We will see them again in April when we return to Rayford for the Heartland rally , and of course , we are working at Timber Ridge from May - July . We really love it when our friends drop by . So long . Our days off were again filled with errands and chores . We began on Monday morning with a meeting of all the park hosts in the dining hall . Larry , the host coordinator , thanked all of us for the job that we are doing . The main purpose of the meeting was to distribute and discuss our assignments and days off . After the meeting , we went back home to see Ted and Donna off . Sadly they have things at their house that they have to get done , so they left today . We will see them again when we go to Mission next month . We ran a few errands around Sealy and decided to go up to Columbus for lunch at Schoebel 's restaurant there . This is a relatively famous buffet restaurant that we just never got to go to . The food was good , but to me , it was nothing special . After lunch , Stella wanted to go over to Bellville to visit her uncle Sonny Herreth . We spent a couple of hours at his house visiting with him and his wife before we came back home . Tuesday we got up pretty early and went to Clear Lake and Texas City for Stella to meet with clients and other work - related things . We stayed down there most of the day but returned in time to pick up one of the propane bottles to refill it . It ran out the other night in the middle of the night , as they are designed to do , and since there is the threat of more cold weather this coming weekend , I didn 't want to take a chance on running out . We returned home in time for me to see NCIS , so all is well with the world . So long . We woke this morning to warmer weather . We made our first bathroom checks before meeting Ted and Donna and Tommy and Susan for breakfast at , guess where ? . . . . . . Tony 's in Sealy . We had eaten breakfast here before and knew it was good , as everything we have eaten here has been . Tommy and Susan had to leave ( sob ) today , so they had to return to the park to pack up , but check out here is at 2 o ' clock , so there was no rush for them to leave . After a short time , they were ready to go . Stella and I had made our second check of the restrooms and were just finishing up when they pulled out . We are sad to see them go , but Susan must go back to work tomorrow and Tommy had some work to get done this week , so they had to go home . Ted and I watched the football playoffs this afternoon . We watched the first game between Indianapolis and the New York Jets here at our trailer and the second between the Minnesota Vikings and the New Orleans Saints at Ted 's . There is definitely a lot of difference between the new High Definition televisions and the old tv 's . Ted is trying to decide on a new trailer or a motorhome . Either one should have a new style television in it , but he did say that he may just improve some of the features in his old trailer and just keep it . I don 't really have an opinion on which for them to buy because there are features on both that would make them attractive . Congratulations to the Colts and the Saints as they prepare for the Super Bowl . Stella fixed a pork roast and Donna fixed a salad and some baked sweet potatoes , so our meal was ready about halfway through the second football game . It was a great meal with our friends and we enjoyed it . It ended a very nice weekend with good food and good friends at a nice state park . Life is good . . . So long . It was cold again this morning when I woke , but nothing like a few days ago . We began our hosting chores early since the park was full . I think every site was full except for the two that were being repaired . We worked in the bathrooms three times during the day , but we kept them clean and had three people that complimented us on the cleanliness of them . Some of our old Boomer friends , Jim and LeAnne came by this afternoon to visit Ted and Donna . We went over for a visit soon after they got here , and it was good to see them again . Ted and Donna had brought some steaks and Ted cooked them on the grill . Susan 's sister had come by for a visit but she had to leave before we ate , so she missed out ! We had a nice time with our friends and were sorry to see them go home . Jim and LeAnne have a fifth wheel trailer but have decided to sell it because they don 't use it very often any more . If anyone is interested in a nice 28 ' Cougar fifth wheel might want to look at this one . We stayed outside until almost dark when they had to go back home and it was getting cool again . After hugs and handshakes , we bid them good bye . We miss many of the friends we made in the Boomers and hope that we can run into them sometime in the future . So long . We woke this morning to see people pouring into the park today . Being the first pretty weather weekend since we 've been here , it was much different than our other weekends here . We had to clean the restrooms twice today , which is much more than usual , but we got it done . Stella went to the women 's side and I did the men 's and it didn 't take too long . Tommy 's sister Peggy and her husband Lin came by to visit around noon . Tommy fixed hot dogs with all the trimmings and hamburgers on his outdoor grill . It was good to see Peggy and Lin , since we hadn 't seen them since we were in Colorado . We all enjoyed our meal and had a nice visit with everyone . We helped a man get his truck unhooked from a brand new trailer that they had just picked up from Camping World . Apparently they didn 't do a pre - delivery inspection and walk around of the trailer because he had many questions . He was very appreciative and we invited him to ask if he had any further problems . We went to Tony 's for supper with Ted and Donna and Tommy and Susan . We had another great meal and visit with our friends . We really love this restaurant ! It was chilly tonight and I sold some firewood to a couple of people that came by our trailer . At least they stopped coming by before it got too late . One of the other park hosts said people have come to his rig as late as 11 o ' clock and I am thankful that no one has bothered us that late . So far we have enjoyed being park hosts here . So long . We got up this morning to go see Bob and Christina and Jerry and Joanne as they pulled out for Blanco state park . This will be their first stop on a long summer trip into Canada and ending in Alaska . After hugs and handshakes , they pulled out around 9 o ' clock . Some of our other friends are coming in today , Ted and Donna and Tommy and Susan . Ted and Donna arrived first , but Tommy was only about 30 minutes behind them . We had gone to the office to reserve their sites , but when Tommy got here , he changed his mind and changed to site # 21 , right behind us . We had put Ted and Donna into # 25 , which is right in front of us , so we are in a row with a huge area for our yards . We really didn 't need all that , but its nice to have it . We have had a herd of deer that has been sleeping in the brushy area behind our site and they returned tonight . After everyone got set up , we sat around and visited in the afternoon before going inside to take our naps . Stella had fixed some of her soup / goulash and some cornbread , so supper was made . Donna had made some Bisquik shortcakes to go with some strawberries and blueberries that she had left over from one of her meetings , so we had everything for berry shortcakes but no Cool Whip or whipped cream . Ted and I decided to go try to get some for us and went to a very small store here in San Felipe , the truck stop / grocery store also in San Felipe , another service station that had groceries in Sealy and finally , after no one else had it , Wal Mart in Sealy where we finally found it . Susan had called Tommy when she left work in the Woodlands and we barely beat her back to the park from our search for Cool Whip . Ted bought a couple of bottles of wine for Donna , and I wondered what the Wal Mart employees thought about two good looking older men buying wine and whipped cream . . . . . We came back here and had a very nice meal with our friends and sat around for a little while outside until the skeeters ran us back inside . The weather is still very cool at night , although not nearly as cold as it was a fewPosted by It is still cool in the mornings here , but the daytime temperatures are pretty moderate now . I 'm sure that this will change at some point and winter will return , but its nice now . We ate a quick breakfast here in the trailer and went on the restroom rounds . It hasn 't been too bad so far with the restrooms but at least we have a cart to ride around in . I am still getting my walks in but they are strictly pleasure walks now and don 't have work attached to them . Bob and Christina had taken their trailer to Camping World yesterday to have a hole drilled into it for a new TV cable to Bob 's new Hi Def TV . He had bought a new HD antenna and needed a new cable , so he took it to the store 's service department to have the hole drilled in and then sealed . Bob certainly deserves to have a nice hi definition television , so now he has everything he needs to watch the big games in hi def . Bob had also ordered new tires for the trailer and went back to the store to have them installed . when they finished the tire installation , they told him that the wheel bearings were bad , so he had to bring the trailer back today to have them installed . They are going to Alaska this summer ( lucky dogs . . . ) and need to make these preparations for that long trip . When they got back to the park , we decided to go out to eat tonight for our last meal together before they leave tomorrow . We got together with them and Jerry and Joanne around four o ' clock and decided on the Texas Roadhouse for supper . We all had a great meal and a very nice visit with our good friends . We will certainly miss them . So long . We again used our days off to run our personal errands that required us to be out of the park . On Monday we went to Camping World to get a replacement screen door latch because ours had broken . Of course , they have a right hand and a left hand latch and we didn 't know which one to get . I chose the right hand one , but it turned out to be wrong . In fact , neither one would work on our trailer because there a slot on one side that makes the latch sit down into the screen door frame , so I 'll have to order one from Heartland . We ran into Bob and Christina and Jerry and Joanne at CW . Bob wanted to ask if they could drill a hole through the trailer for him to run his new HD antenna , and while there we looked at some trailers . Although none of us want or need a new trailer , we still like to look . At least they didn 't have a salesman to lead us around and we could look at and comment on any trailer that we saw on the lot . Bob is having trouble with his television and I am having trouble with my Internet connection . I had decided to install an outside antenna for some increased reception , which Bob has already done with the exact antenna that I wanted . He told me that I could buy the antenna at the Flying J truck stop , so we decided to stop by and pick one up . Before we did this , we decided to go eat some lunch at the Cheddars restaurant near Katy . Although there was a wait to get in , we decided to stay . It was well worth it because we all enjoyed our meal . After finishing up , Stella and I went to Sam 's club to buy some supplies that we will split with Bob and Christina . When we got that done , we stopped off at the Flying J and made our purchase there and came back home . Tuesday I looked at the antenna that I had bought at Flying J and decided it would not work , so we took it back when we went back to Camping World to return the screen door latch . Let me tell you , it exhausting being retired and having to run all these errands . There isn 't enough hours in the day to get all this done and work too . So long . Today was a very laid back day . We planned to just veg out and watch the football playoffs today , but we began with breakfast and what we thought would be a quick check of the restrooms , but we found them pretty messy . We washed down and swept both restrooms and got through about 10 o ' clock . I came back home and started the football bonanza for today . I got to watch some of my car shows first , but at noon the football games began . Congratulations to the Minnesota Vikings and the New York Jets . There are a lot of Cowboy fans around Texas , especially here in this house . I made a bet against the Cowboys with Christina because I really wanted the " old man " Favre to win . I got razzed a lot about betting against the Cowboys , but Favre was just too sharp for the ' Boys . Christina was very gracious in paying her bet , and my money was taped to the front door when we woke the next morning . I have started sleeping later in the mornings . I still wake in the middle of the night , around 3 AM but have started going back to sleep either in my chair or going back to bed when its cold and sleeping until 7 or 8 o ' clock . I can 't explain why I still wake so early , but guess its just a habit that I 've grown accustomed to . I get plenty of sleep and don 't feel tired but I still get a nap in my chair in the afternoon when we 're not busy doing other things . My dilemma now is who I am going to root for in the NFC Championship game . Do I pull for the " Who Dat " Saints or the old man again and the Minnesota Vikings ? Right now I don 't know who it will be but I will make up my mind before the game starts . We checked the restrooms again late in the afternoon and had to do some more work there . We really can 't complain about the amount of work we have had to do since being here . The cold weather pretty much kept everyone out of the park for the first 12 days and rain at the beginning of this week kept some of the others out , so we 've had a pretty easy time of it so far . I 'm sure this will change before we leave here if not this month , in March for surPosted by We woke this morning to cold temperatures but no rain . We had been forecast with at least a 50 % chance of rain all day today , but it didn 't show up . It 's pretty mushy outside and we really don 't need any more right now . I had an idea one time to try to figure out a way to save these rainy times when they 're not needed and use them during the summer when its hot and dry but nothing ever came of it . It 's probably true what they say about not fooling with Mother Nature . . . While making my morning restroom checks I ran into Christina who told me that she and Joanne were thinking about going to a movie this afternoon . I came home and told Stella of their plans . When I finished with my chores around here , I got all settled in for an afternoon of football . Today is the second round of the playoffs and congratulations go to those " Who Dat " New Orleans Saints and the Indianapolis Colts . Stella called around five o ' clock , telling me to go pick up Bob and Jerry and for us to meet them at Orlando 's Pizza in Brookshire . We did after I unloaded several boxes of papers that need to be shredded . Everyone enjoyed the buffet and we even got to watch more of the football game there . We came back home and watched more television until bedtime . I like to read the obituaries . No I 'm not morbid but since I 've had a few more birthdays than many , I 'm checking to see if I made the list but nobody told me . I want to check to see if any old friends or acquaintances have passed on so I can pay my respects . I also miss some of the old timey names that people were hung with , not the fancy - schmancy names that the younger generation uses . Sturdy names , historic names , biblical names , unusual names and sometimes downright funny names . People today use more popular names and there are several websites for names . Facebook even ranks names by popularity and years that that particular name was popular . I 'm pretty happy with mine and don 't really care how it ranked back in the day . So long . I woke to cold rain falling that lasted all day long . The weather never got above about 56 degrees , not very cold when you remember that last weekend it didn 't get above the freezing mark all day on Saturday . The temperature was much better , but with the rain , it was still pretty miserable . In the afternoon , I checked the rain gauge and found almost 4 inches of rain had fallen overnight and all day today . I only checked the restrooms in the RV section since no one was in the tent area . I had learned yesterday that there is a 15 tent group coming in today , even in the rain ! They weren 't here yet , so I only checked one set of restrooms . So far this job has been great , with only clean restrooms that didn 't need much attention but I 'm sure that will change soon . Our good friends Tom and Judy came up from the Lakeview RV park where they are staying while Judy gets treated at the M . D . Anderson hospital nearby . Judy looked very good , considering she has just finished up her chemo treatment . She tires easily , so we didn 't do anything but sit around in Bob and Christina 's beautiful classic Landmark trailer , admiring her new additions . Jerry and Joanne came over to visit for a while but Joanne had a doctor appointment and Jerry went back to their motorhome . The six of us decided to go get something to eat at where else but Tony 's in Sealy . Everyone seems to love the country style restaurant and they didn 't fail us today . We had a great waitress named Linda , who gave us some great service . We have been waited on by Linda before , so we knew service was not going to be a problem and the food is always good here , and there is always plenty of it . In fact , the last time we were there . Linda came by and looked at our portions . She said that if we had not gotten enough to eat , she would go back and get more . Believe me , we had plenty of food ! We finished the meal with some wonderful pie and cake . I know , those of you that read this and know of my fight with diabetes will wonder how I can eat sweets and keep this boyish figure and myPosted by Sorry I haven 't been keeping the blog up , but I will try to do better . On Sunday , we just hung out here at home , watching the football playoffs . It was still way cold and below freezing in the morning , but it was warm and cozy inside . We are eating better and have been doing well eating only two meals a day . Monday is our first official day off . I had gotten an email about our friends Bob and Christina and Jerry and Joanne coming in today so we looked for them . We went into Sealy and washed our clothes and when we got back , Jerry and Joanne had arrived and were set up . Bob and Christina arrived later in the afternoon . We went over and looked at the improvements they made to their trailer while in the Rio Grand Valley . They got new carpet , new wooden blinds , and had their couch reupolstered and some new trim that matches everything . Their nice trailer is even more beautiful now . We all went to eat at Tony 's restaurant in Sealy . It was another great meal and everyone was full when we left . Tuesday , Stella and I drove down to Texas City where we picked up some papers that Stella needed to work on for her clients . We went by the house and picked up our mail and looked around again for anything that we needed . We still haven 't heard from the man that is going to buy the house to get a closing date . Hopefully he 'll call soon and give us the big date . We can 't wait ! I have forgotten to put my fuel down here . Diesel prices are slowly going back up , but I found a little station in Texas City that has some good prices . On January 5th , I filled up both tanks , taking 122 . 4 gallons to go 1520 . 8 miles for a 12 . 4 average . Keep in mind that much of these miles were towing the trailer , so I guess that 's not that bad . Today , while in Texas City again , I filled up from our running errands and our trip to Texas City . We took 17 . 1 gallons to go 308 miles for an 18 . 0 average . Much better ! Wednesday I went back to " work " , checking the restrooms , both the RV area and the tent area . Neither one needed much work , but I did pick up some trash anPosted by It was 17 degrees in the park this morning but we made it through without any problems . I had wrapped the water line with insulation . I had bought a water line heater strip but it turned out to be for hard lines so I didn 't use it . I didn 't want to melt my water line . I got an email from our friends Tommy and Susan that they were coming by for a visit later today . I went on my Park Host round , checking the restrooms both in the RV area and the tent area . After checking the RV area , I walked back into the group area and found a large group of scouts that had spent the night in their tents . Oh to be young again . . . . . Their restroom didn 't need any work , so I checked the tent area where another small group had spent the night in one of the screen shelters , but again everything was fine . I stopped and chatted with some of the other campers along my path and a couple of them said that their water lines had frozen . We talked a bit about their plans to solve their problem and I went back home . Tommy and Susan arrived around noon . We walked around the area where we are parked and they made up their mind about the sites they would like to have when they return near the end of January . With that done , we went into Sealy to get some lunch . We went to the best restaurant in town , Tony 's restaurant . They serve a cafeteria - style lunch that was very tasty . We all enjoyed our meal and after finishing up , we all had some of the great pie that they serve . Man , that some good stuff ! Tommy took us to find some more propane for our tank that had run out overnight . We went to the hardware store but all they do is sell full bottles . We drove down to Brookshire to the propane store there but they had already closed so we went to the Flying J service station where we got all filled up . We returned home and they left to drive back to their home in Deer Park . We will be glad to see them return to the park to visit . I went on my second Park host round and checked all the restrooms but found nothing that needed attention , so I returned home and inPosted by We woke to 28 degree weather today . It stayed near the freezing mark all day long , never getting above 34 on our outdoor thermometer . It made my outdoor times pretty quick but I did get my patrols of the RV area and the restrooms in during the day . They were cold walks but it felt good to get out of the trailer and in the clear air . I did talk to Larry in the afternoon and learned that the golf cart that I was to have gotten would not take a charge on the batteries , so he had left it at the shop . This brings up one of my pet peeves about the state and the way parks are funded . I have learned that everything bought at a park must come from Austin . That doesn 't sound too bad does it ? That way all materials can be accounted for by the bean counters and they can take advantage of buying in quantity and get discounts on the materials . But take it to the local level . Let 's say you are working on a lawnmower or leaf blower . You need a couple of bolts and nuts or a belt to finish your job , but if there aren 't any in stock in the shop , you have to fill out a requisition form , send it in to Austin and wait for the shipment from headquarters . That may be an extreme example , but you get my point . Why not give each park a certain amount of money , say $ 250 . 00 to buy small items locally . As the money is spent , more money is requested from Austin . In the case of the golf cart , it appears to me that it may need new batteries . There are 6 - 6 volt batteries on the cart , which would be over the limit , but why make it so difficult for the people in the parks to do their job ? The state is getting free labor in the form of Park Hosts so why not give them the equipment they need to work ? Enough of my rant , off the soapbox now . I chatted with some of the other hosts here in the park during the day . Everyone is hunkering down due to the cold , but since we 're in Texas , just wait a few days and the temperatures will be in the 60 's or 70 's . So long . Well , today ( Wednesday ) is my first day on the " job " . We went to the meeting at 9 o ' clock , which by the way , is a wonderful time to have to be at work . We met with Larry , the volunteer coordinator , to learn what will be expected of us . There was another couple with us , AD and his wife Dee , who went through the indoctrination routine with us . They are more experienced than us at being a Park Host but everyone must go through it . The main things will be to pick up trash around the park , to clean the fire pits and to keep the rest rooms clean . Our first assignment is to keep up with the restrooms in the tent area . That should be real easy this week with the forecast weather of freezing temperatures all weekend long . Larry also showed us around the shop , the supply areas and the equipment area . We signed the expected agreements and notices that we are not state employees and have no rights to insurance or any other benefits , so be careful ! We went to the tent area restroom to actually see one of the restrooms and the supply closet there . This doesn 't look too hard to me , but I may change my mind when lots of people come into the park and leave a mess behind . . . . The first thing we actually had to work on was taking the Christmas decorations down at the main headquarters . We met the other Park Hosts , Don and his wife , AD and his wife , who all worked on the decorations . There is another couple , Leon and his wife who are both being treated at MD Anderson for cancer . They were involved in a bad traffic accident recently and are slowly recovering . They are parked in the tent area in the only RV hookup site . After getting everything down and loaded onto trucks , we took it back to the shop where it was unloaded and stored . Larry and I also worked on one of the golf carts , but it wouldn 't take a charge on the battery , so I won 't have a cart to drive around to do my chores . The park ranger took the others over to the day use area where the water lines were drained and secured against the cold weather . On Thursday , I walked around Posted by This is our new home for two out of the next three months , Stephen F . Austin State Park in San Felipe Texas . San Felipe is the Birthplace of Anglo - American settlement of Texas and the original home of the Texas Rangers . There is a lot of history in this area of Texas with the original city founded in 1837 . The park is 664 acres with two parts , one recreational and the other historical . Here we are , all set up in site # 23 . We had our choice of sites and picked this one because it is level and we can use our porch and steps . We missed being able to use them in Louisiana . Cassie especially hated coming up and down the regular steps . Here 's a picture of our yard . We have an even larger area that is allowed to grow up that is behind the yard for the wildlife I suppose . The best thing about the yard is that I don 't have to keep it mowed . Monday we went into Sealy and ran a few errands and Stella washed our clothes . We didn 't go too far away today but on Tuesday we went down to Dickinson to move a few more boxes to storage and then loaded the back of the truck with records and other papers that Stella wants to go through . She will shred the ones that are no longer needed and we will return the others to storage . Tomorrow is the big day for me to start my park hosting job . So long . Today was the day that everyone dreads , going home day or in our case , moving day to another park . Of course , Harry and Judy were doing much the same as we are , but in their case they were returning to the Via Bayou park . We are going to the Stephen F . Austin state park in San Felipe TX . We will be park hosting there and are looking forward to it . I dropped off an application for S . Toledo Bend with Connie one of the park rangers for next year . We left the park about 10 : 30 and made good time back . We made a couple of pit stops along the way and got to SFA about 2 : 30 . We spoke to the same lady that hired me in the office . She told me that the park rangers are off on Monday and Tuesday , so for me to come in to work on Wednesday morning about 9 or 9 : 30 . Wow , just got to work and have two days off . I like this gig already ! We got all hooked up including the porch being put up , so we 're home for a month . This is a nice little park but there is no wifi and we must be nearly out of range for the air card because the reception is very slow . At least I got good signal strength on the dish , so we 've got good television reception . Today is my birthday . I got calls from Jennifer and Melissa and got about 40 Happy Birthday wishes on my Facebook account but no one bought me that new Nikon camera that I want LOL . I 'm sure it 's being shipped and is in the mail . A better present for me would be for the man that 's going to buy the house to call and tell me his check is ready so we can close and be rid of it . Actually , I feel so lucky to be living the life that I want to and traveling where I want to go . Everyone should be so lucky . So long . We went for a ride with Ricky and Dee to see the bald eagle nest and this is what we found . The large nest is very high up in a tree and well off the road . Here is a little better shot of the bird in the nest . Although we didn 't get to see this one out of the nest , Ricky and Dee said they had seen it sitting on one of the tree branches before . I guess we 'll have to come back to see it again . Here is a little better shot of the bird . This is the only nest that we saw but I suppose there must be others somewhere in the area . Dee and I walked out into the field to get a little closer but didn 't get too close so we wouldn 't get in trouble with the park rangers . Since we had all turned in pretty early on the rainy New Year eve , we got up pretty early and relit the fire in our gathering area between Bill and Ricky 's trailers . We had another great breakfast and then hung out by the fire . Most of us took naps in the afternoon and Judy , who was still sick , stayed inside to get better . I think this was one of the best new year parties that we have ever had . Everyone seemed to have a great time among friends , and we look forward to many more in the future . So long . Here is the trailer , all set up at the South Toledo Bend State Park . Its a back - in site that faces toward the lake . Here is a view from the front of the trailer . We are facing a " cut " in the lake that is very popular with boaters and fishermen . Another view of the lake from the front of the trailer . We have seen huge amounts of ducks in the lake in front of the rig . We even saw an eagle that had caught a duck but it happened to fast to catch it on a camera . Ricky and Dee 's site had a nice deck on it . We learned that the park is building these decks on sites that are very unlevel . It makes a great meeting area for our little group . Sunset across the lake ! Another sunset . This is a beautiful lake and we will surely be back here at some point . We snacked on sausage and cheese , boudain , boiled shrimp and cheese dip all afternoon to the point that no one wanted anything else to eat . We sat around the fire and visited , although Judy was under the weather , so she stayed inside most of the weekend and missed the party . New Year 's eve turned out to be a bust for us . We had a great fire going but about 8 o ' clock it started to rain harder and harder so everyone went in . We decided that 8 was now our midnight , so we called it a night . It was a rainy and cold night , but we all had a ball before getting rained out . So long . Today we moved from Via Bayou RV Park to Bill and Ornell 's house in Port Arthur . We plan to stay there only overnight and to go to the South Toledo Bend state park in Onacoco Louisiana the next day . We left Via Bayou a few minutes after 12 and made it to Bill 's house about 2 o ' clock without incident . We didn 't unhook the truck from the trailer so we can leave first thing in the morning . Bill backed the trailer in for me because he is so much more familiar with getting into his driveway . All I had to do was hook up the water and electricity for the overnight stay . We used the air antenna for television . I guess I 'm just getting paranoid about the truck , but now I notice every little noise or misstep of the truck . I hope to be able to put off buying another truck for a few months , preferable a year or more after we finalize the sale of the house . Hope it lasts that long . . . . We hung out with Bill all afternoon but when Ornell got home we went to HEB with them to buy our groceries for the weekend . After getting the groceries , we returned to their house and put everything away before we went to eat some good mexican food at one of Bill 's favorite restaurants . It had begun to rain in the afternoon and continued all night long . Poor Ornell got called out to work during the night but she made it to work in the morning . Bill and I woke pretty early and went to the local donut shop to get a couple of donuts for Stella and I for breakfast . It was pouring rain all morning but we pulled out around 11 o ' clock . We made good time to the state park in Louisiana . This is our first trip over here and we look forward to a very nice time at this park . It will be good to see our old friends Ricky and Dee , Harry and Judy and Bill 's neighbors Will and Tammy and their son Garrett . Bill 's son Seth and his wife Diana and their girls Lily and Lexxie are coming for one night and will stay with Bill and Ornell . So long . We left Palacios on Saturday to go to Dickinson to finish packing up our stuff that was still in the house . We have reached a deal with an investor to buy the house and we hope that it will close by the middle of January . We made the trip to Via Bayou RV park between Dickinson and Texas City where our friends Harry and Judy have been . Stella managed to get us a site right next door to them , so we surprised them when we came in . They had no idea that we would be coming there , since our plans had changed . We were supposed to have gone to Port Arthur to visit Bill and Ornell at their house for a few days before we went to Louisiana for New Years eve . We thought we 'd gotten most everything out of the house , but we soon learned how much we had left behind . We knew that all of our old bank records were there but didn 't remember how many there actually were . It seemed like we loaded and loaded on papers and took them to storage , with the intention to go through them and shred everything we can , but that will wait until we get to Stephen F . Austin . We will go down on one of our days off and get them and bring them back to the park and will sit outside and shred for as long as it takes . We got to spend some more time with Kim , Jeremy and the boys before we left , so that was good . We won 't be back down here for a long time , in May when we will be at Timber Ridge and can see them again . That 's all we did through Tuesday , work in the house and get it ready to go . We will be so glad to be rid of the house . If there is one thing I could wish for in my retirement is to have been able to get the house sold before we retired so we wouldn 't have to do all this . Its all working out , but please pray for us that this sale goes through . So long . |
My husband told me that I had gotten the name of the movie wrong , and it is " The Swimming Pool . " Actually , there is a movie called " The Swimmer , " and I had even seen that name in a review of " The Swimming Pool . " It 's always good to have someone reading behind you on your work . Still no Pete . I just loved that cat . He was sweet and sexy . Our baby chicks are both roosters , we think . Another dilemma . We only need one , now we have four . Going to the doctor tomorrow to see if I still have the Lyme 's disease . Although I am feeling a bit better , but still low energy . A coworker gave me a copy of Long Day 's Journey Into Night , and I started to read it on my lunch hour the other day . It is very interesting to read a play , I think . It forces me to act the parts in my mind , even with different voices , and even with imagining physicality . When we were in Doylestown the other night , we went into two bookstores to see if we could find it , but no luck . So , it did come to me . Someone is giving us a load of firewood . Seasoned applewood . It 's quite a ways away , but we can do a two vehicle journey , minivan and pickup truck and get a whole lot at once . We need to get it within the next four weeks , as she is putting her house up for sale , and needs to clear out the yard . Have to really start the fall garden this weekend . I already have winter squash , pumpkins , and celeriac growing , kale , collards , brussels sprouts , too . But I need to start the winter lettuce , arugula , bok choi , tat tsoi , more broccoli raab , and I seeded more beets last weekend . Also need to seed turnips . Also need to seed more sweet basil for the summer , and direct seed more beans . Can 't seem to get back to the strawberries , maybe this weekend . Back at work , not feeling great . Suggested by two people at the meeting this morning to go to the doctor , maybe the Lyme 's disease is still around . I prefer to think it is because of all the medication I had to take , and have been drinking Vitamin C powder mixed in water this morning , hoping to jump start my immune system . What do I know . I 'll call the doctor . We went to see " The Swimmer " on Saturday night in Doylestown . Michel couldn 't let go of the age - old friction between the British and the French , saying that he felt the Brits acted like colonialists in the movie . I understand what he is saying , I feel that often the movies that are set in an exotic locale are about the white hero that saves the day . And the locals get bit parts . I think that is what he was feeling about the movie , though I explained to him my feeling was the British woman was healed by France , the sensuality of the place , and the people . He couldn 't get beyond his resentment , but the movie stayed with me . He felt , " so what . A story about a writer , that 's all . Who writes a story " . I like the transformational thing of places , surrounds , encounters . I am glad I saw the movie . Pete still has not shown his face . I am sad about this . Have been thinking about getting another kitten . Posted by : basha / 11 : 45 AM We sent our rate - reduction package off to the mortgage company . In my true non - trusting way , I am expecting them to say that we are denied since we didn 't sign the rider clause that was in it . I called them on Thursday to tell them that they had made a mistake and that we do not belong to an association that collects dues , like a townhouse or gated community , whatever . She said , " don 't worry , I will make a note of it in the record . " Weeee shall seeee . I wouldn 't be surprised that with the rates going back up , they might not be so happy to give us the reduction at a lower rate , as we are locked in for this deal . We shall see . Hot hot hot weather . Did a lot last night , and early this morning . Had to go to notary and then couldn 't find a UPS place that was open . Finally went home and called them and they picked it up . With an extra ten dollar charge to the mortgage company . Pete has not been seen since we have been back from Maine . We are concerned that there has been foul play . Pete is one of our barn cats , or rather , chicken coop cats , and he , along with Repeat , patroll the environs to keep the rodent population down . They have done a bang - up job for the last three years . Pete is also our favorite , a shiny , black and grey striped boy , with broad shoulders and lean body , and a most beguiling manner . He is extraordinarily affectionate for an outdoor cat , and we love him dearly . Recently we have noticed strange things happening in the chicken coop where we keep the bucket of dry cat food that they can eat from whenever they want . First there was a raccoon in that corridor to the coop , who had located the cat food . Then once recently , Michel saw an orange cat emerge from the coop , a stranger to us . And when we came back from Maine , I went into the hallway of the coop , and the food bucket was spilled over onto the floor - - something our cats have never done . And that had happened once before , after the appearance of the raccoon . I don 't like to talk about the raccoon - - it was a messy scene , and we thought it was dead . But he crawled off under a shed , and lay there for a few days , while we fretted about what to do with it . Michel had called a few agencies that deal with wild animals , and they were of no help . But they did threaten us with a 10 , 000 dollar fine if we we caught bringing wild animals ( groundhogs ) in a have - a - heart trap and letting them go over the bridge in New Jersey , which we have done before , just releasing them along the railroad tracks in a wooded area . The raccoon disappeared soon after , and we thought it had been scared off , hopefully never to return . It was the third one creeping around the chicken coop in three years . Now Pete is gone , and this morning Repeat was also nowhere to be found . She was here yesterday , and is usually waiting for her canned cat food in the early morning . Sometimes they do not show up for a day or two , but this is almost a week , and nothing buPete was also acting funny before we went away , and we were keeping an eye one him . He was coughing up a fit one day on the front porch , and we became alarmed , but he seemed to be all right soon after , so we just forgot about it . Hairball , or something like that . I am off the antibiotics for the tick bite , though my eye is still a little red . It was a sensitive area , though , so maybe that is part of it . I feel really sluggish , and hope that that is the result of the antibiotic , and soon I will recover from it , I hope . Maybe it 's just the summer blahs that I get from seven months of hard work before and after I go to my job , just wanting a vacation . We need to work on getting the table set up . I am almost out of jam , and will go looking for fruit at other farm stands this weekend , maybe apricots . I have a yen for making some apricot jam . I can also make raspberry jam from the berries I froze over the last couple of weeks . Don 't know why the tomatoes are so slow . Very few are turning to ripen . Even the ones in the greenhouse . Salad is still good , need to seed some more . I am excited about all the pumpkins that are forming in my little patch . Michel cut down the buckwheat , and now I want to form rows for my strawberries . I want to clean up the old patch , and start a new one where the buckwheat was . I am going to use black plastic for the rows , and put the plants in them , to cut down on weeds for next year . I also want to work on my flowers this weekend , for me . We have to get our refinancing package back to the mortgage company by Monday , so this afternoon it 's up to the notary so we can finish it and send it off . They put in some rider that is wrong , and I called them , and they said just cross it off , and I am a bit concerned that they will use that as an excuse to cancel the reduction . Well , I 'm going to stop worrying right now , because I can 't control what they do . I did take the action when I saw it , so I need to let it go . The meeting theme was on the Serenity Prayer this morning , so it is still fresh in my mind . We took a vacation from the garden and went to Maine for four days . When we got back , it was as if we had never weeded ambitiously last week . And the zucchini plants had fairly large bats growing under the leaves , and the cucumbers had enough to harvest yesterday for the first time . I also noticed baby pumpkins growing . And the baby chicks are looming over their mothers , who no longer want to help them find food and shoo them away when they approach . Maine was , like always , impossibly beautiful . We stayed at a dog - friendly motel , steps from a horse farm with beautiful salt - marsh trails on which to take the dog , who runs like a banshee , unfettered by leash , and without another creature in sight . She runs and runs up and down the long clover paths to the causeway up ahead where the tide comes in to give her a place to swim . The beach at the end of the short road is magnificent . Although no dogs are allowed , and husband foregoes going there , I have enjoyed visiting this beach for three years now , even if the flies are biting . The last two years it was low tide in the afternoon , with a long flat expanse of beach heading out to the horizon . This year the tide was up , and it seemed as a result more crowded , but I was so happy to be there , at the ocean , with the wild sky . Most of the time we spent with my family , wich had its own rewards . My stepmother 's son created a lobster bake for us , with sweet steamer clams and sweet corn , along with the fresh lobster he acquired from a former student of his who lobster fishes with his Dad . Then it 's off to Big Daddy 's every night for homemade ice cream . But it is the flora of Maine that I find so compelling . Everything seems to bloom at once , not parceled out like our springtime here in Pennsylvania . And there is a wildness to it all there , and the air is breezy and cool . I hope someday to 1 ) spend a bigger chunk of time there and 2 ) to explore more of the state than the southern portion where we have family . So , while the joy of a trip is leveled by a sense of longing , I saw that my work was to make myself appreciate the moment , while acknowledging the longing that being there stirs up . Posted by : basha / 1 : 48 PM Odd things in my life . When I was in my early twenties , and living a wild and crazy life , one of my habitations was with another young woman , Liz , with whom I had once worked at Bloomingdale 's , and who ended up throwing me out of the apartment ( I never signed the lease ) , because her fiancee made a play for me and she accused me of lying and trying to sabotage her relationship . My life was pretty out - of - control in those days , and a lot of things happened in a short space of time . One thing that happened was : I got sick with a flu - type of illness , and actually persuaded a doctor to make a house call . That was around 1970 , and it was unusual even for that time , although I remember when I was a little kid , we had the doctor come to the house a lot , mainly for me , because I suffered from terrible ear infections . Anyway , I was a patient of one doctor , and he was not available . I had been having acute anxiety attacks in those years , mainly due to drinking , though I didn 't know it at the time . I started to see this one doctor , who was prescribing tranquilizers for me , which just made everything worse . On this particular day I called , and was too sick to go out , and I had a flu - kind of illness . The doctor wasn 't able to come , but this other doctor who was an associate did show up , a tall , dark , handsome Rock Hudson - type . I don 't remember ever seeing him before , so I don 't recall that he shared the doctor 's suite with him . But he came to the apartment that I was sharing with Liz . He examined me , wrote a prescription , and left . I got a bill , and I sent him a check . Next thing I know , in the Daily News , this Rock Hudson - type doctor is arrested and hauled off to jail for murder . Apparently , he was involved with his secretary , or assistant , and for whatever reason known only to them , he murdered her . I took out my checkbook to see what his name was , and I swear , this nearly killed me , the date on the check was the same day that she was murdered . It made the little hairs on the back of my neck do , well , you know . I continued my search for Eugene O ' Neill 's Long Day 's Journey Into Night . Oh , I talked to my boss yesterday afternoon , and he said that at the library , while I was talking to him , and there was a man hovering nearby , the man said to him after I left , " What does she want to read Long Day 's Journey Into Night for ? It 's such a depressing play . What does she want to read a play for , anyway ? Plays aren 't supposed to be read ! They 're supposed to be acted ! Anyway , I walked over the bridge to New Hope to Farley 's to see if they had a copy . Nope . Not there . I know I could purchase it on Amazon . com , but this is becoming kind of interesting that I can 't find it . I have plenty to read for the trip to Maine , and plenty of O ' Neill to read , so I think instead of buying it , I will just let it come to me . How 's that . If I am meant to read it , I will find it . I won 't go out of my way , necessarily , but I will look for it , and only then will I read it . Went to half a meeting this morning . I can 't get up at 5 : 30 now , it 's not light enough . Even when the alarm goes off , I seem to have to get up with the daylight . And I needed to put together my deliveries for two clients before I went off to the meeting . Now before we go to Maine , I want to get some more flats planted . I cancelled deliveries for tomorrow , as there is not enough time . When we come back , we will figure out the farm stand table . I also want to seed some more zucchini plants , and more cucumber plants . The ones I have now will undoubtedly get killed off , as I see too many cucumber beetles in the flowers every day . I am not going to spray - - I don 't feel right about it . Anyhow , a book I looked at said that succession planting is the best way , but this time I will keep the plants covered until they flower . I should be able to get some produce from the new plants in September , if I plant tonight . I went to the library at lunch on a search for O ' Neill 's Long Day 's Journey Into Night , thinking that they might have it , and the clerk was extremely helpful , but we were both amazed that it wasn 't there . And there were three large volumes of the Works of Eugene O ' Neill , and it wasn 't in any of those . I saw my boss at the library in the sale book section , he with an armful of books . I never know what to do when I see my boss in another context - - slip past him out the door pretending not to see him ? Or going up and making my presence known . I think that lunchtime is sacred , and wouldn 't want to break his revery , but , I also didn 't want to pretend anything . So I went up to him and said a few pleasantries . My coworker Matt said he might have it at home - - and he is going to check tonight . I won 't expect this to occur , as he left not feeling well , so I may have to seek out a bookstore to see if I can find a copy . Or not . Meanwhile I have the eight and a half other O ' Neill plays to read this week and on my way to Maine . I have to read in the car when my husband is driving , or I freak out . My reflexes are faster than his and if I see a car two cars ahead put on their brakes , my foot is already to the floor , and he ( my husband ) is still barrelling along oblivious to the fact that he needs to put his foot on the brake . And I tend to make these gasping noises as he drives and we are dive - bombed by other cars all over the place . It drives him crazy , and if I have my nose glued to a book or other reading matter , I can more or less tune out the world . I need something big to carry me through eight hours of road travel up and eight hours of road travel back . He says he wants me to drive as well , and I enjoy driving sometimes , like to work , and locally , but I don 't know how I feel about long distance driving . He says it 's only fair , and he is right , but it makes me nervous . I was thinking about my aunt Jean this morning - - mainly because I think I am starting to look like her . She was married to my uncle Frank , and they lived in a house that we all called the " shack . " Their house was always a bit shocking to me when I was a child , because I never knew anyone at that time who lived in semi - squalor like they did . Maybe semi - squalor is too strong a word . Anyway , now I live in a house that was owned by poor people , and they never fixed anything up . When we moved in , we didn 't even know if the furnace could be made to work , an old coal furnace , and it was in November ! My husband and I are hopeless romantics , and we were looking for an old stone house . Well , we found one . And every square inch of this house needs work . We have managed to fix up the upstairs to a more or less manageable state , though there is lots of room for improvemenWords that I hated to hear , because , first of all , I don 't want a lot of work to do , and second , I thought that maybe they knew something we didn 't . I thought it would take a couple of years , and we would have it all done . Never mind I don 't have any home depot type of skills , and never had any inclination to learn any . No , I just went outside to build myself a garden , and I have been there ever since . Every year since we moved , we have started a big project . Two years ago it was " take the plaster ceiling down in the living room . " Last year it was , " remove all the plaster from the living room walls . " Now , Michel is fixing up half of the long building that is the chicken coop , which luckily is separated by a corridor into two sections , so the chickens can still live peacably in one section and we can inhabit the other . He is creating studios for the two of us , and we both have the " fictional finalism " of getting back to our painting . And he always does a nice job , and these studios are beautiful , sort of . The space is nice , light and airy , and painted they are good painting spaces . So I think I am turning into my Aunt Jean . She always hung out wearing undershirts and no bra , and she was pretty large to begin with . Her teeth were a bit on the British side , if you know what I mean . She was so unlike my Aunt Sue who lived in the house next door , who was always beautifully put together , and smelled good . Well , when I came in the house this morning after harvesting , I knew I only had ten minutes to get ready for work . So the shower had to go , the ironing had to go , and needless to say , I 'm glad we are experiencing " summer casual " dress this summer , because I can point to that as an excuse for my poor grooming habits . But at least I always put lipstick on before I walk through the door . Still , I think I am morphing into Aunt Jean . She was a character , as were the rest of her family living in that shack of a house . Which is what I needed to hear , as my delusions of grandeur had taken over my mind this weekend . Here 's the crazy process . Driving home on Friday , I heard on the Philly NPR station an article about Eugene O ' Neill . It was basically talking about the new production in New York with Vanessa Redgrave , among other luminaries , and also about O ' Neill 's life , his children , his father , his writing . I was overcome with the desire to read Long Day 's Journey , as I realized I had never read O ' Neill , that I could remember . Drama was not much a part of my reading . I searched in the attic where we still have boxes and boxes of books , a lot of literature , both Michel 's and mine . I couldn 't find Long Day 's Journey , but I did come up with O ' Neill - - 9 Plays . In the hotter part of the day , after lunch , and when I am trying to stay out of the garden , I took the book with me to the hammock , now my favorite place to read . I read The Emperor Jones , and started in on The Hairy Ape . Then I decided that I had missed my calling , I should have been a playwright . I think the introduction , which talked about O ' Neill 's inability to be with more than two or three people at a time , stirred something in me . I have always been afraid of dialogue , and thought that only extroverts , who are good at talking with others , could write dialogue . Not an introvert such as I , who ( though I am better now ) have always been tongue - tied in groups of people , and not very witty anyhow . Whenever I have tried to write dialogue , it is too hard and I give up . Now here is a shining example of someone who seems to be an introvert , and who is a master of dialogue . Perhaps I could learn , after all . Anyway , I am lying in the hammock , fantasizing about being a playwright , when the impossibility of my life overwhelms me . Not only do I have a full - time job , and a part - time one that takes all the rest of my time , save for the recent few hours I have been putting into the hammock , but there is no way out that I could see whereby I could find the time to do anything else . So I starThursday , July 10 , 2003 Spoke up at a meeting this morning , to try and change my energy . I have been in a torpor , probably due to antibiotics . Also have been extremely busy at work this past week , deadlines , deadlines . I did get a little planting done last night , and was happy with the lettuce seedlings - - how strong they looked . It had just rained , so the soil was damp enough that I could just put in the seedlings and not worry about watering well . And it seemed to have rained later last night , which is a good thing for all the plants . Michel sprayed Pyrethrin / Rotenone on the zucchini , cucumber and squash plants , and melons yesterday after I saw lots of cucumber beetles on the plants . That is the first time I have ever sprayed a pesticide , and even though it is organically approved , I don 't like to do it . The key to plant health is in the soil , and planting the plant in the right place . So I have to keep working on the soil , putting organic matter in it - - such as cow manure in the fall , shredded leaf mulch , and using green manure cover crops . Other than the cucumber beetles , the plants look really healthy , color is good ( well , the eggplants are also in that area , and they got hit by flea beetles , which love them . But they still look better than other times I have grown eggplants and the flea beetles just made their leaves look like lace . Last year I kept Ree - may on the eggplants all season until they flowered , and the plants did very well . But I ran out of reemay this year , and decided not to spend to get more . Recently though , I found another swath and will use that for the fall garden , as my remaining reemay is already spoken for . One of my clients forgot about the delivery yesterday , and I saw her today , and she still wants delivery , but we will make it for next week . Everything got sold at work , or elsewhere . We are picking raspberries and freezing them . They freeze really well on cookie sheets in the freezer then I put them in bags to make jam later when I have the time and the temp is cooler . We are starting to pick filet green beans , and I will store them in the frig until I get enough to give to my customers . The potatoes are beautiful , although the plants of the early red look like they are dying , don 't know why . But we will pull most of them this week , and the potatoes themselves are really good . We also pulled some of the Carola potato - - those plants look much better , and Michel cooked them up in lard for homefries , and they were absolutely delicious . I am not sure lard is that good for us , but the meal was delish . Wish I could shake this torpor . I love that word , though . torpor . Hope I 'm using it right . One and a half weeks to go on the antibiotics . My eye is still red and sometimes bothers me . But that could also be some allergies with all the pollen floating around . The painting studios are looking better , Michel got a door that a neighbor was throwing out , and made a table for me . This same neighbor threw out another door just like it last year , and Michel had stored it in the barn and made a table for himself out of that one . He wants to bring the sofa from the living room over to the studio , so he can finish working in the living room . We have stone walls that we took the ruined plaster off of , and he is working on those walls , as well as needing to fix the wood stove . I don 't mind that we are moving our living room into the studio , as the sofa should just be thrown out , even with a slipcover it looks pretty bad . And when the living room is finished , we can look around for a replacement sofa . He also brought a tv set into his studio . I don 't mind that either , but just asked for an agreement , that if we anyone is using their studio and minds having noise coming from a tv or radio , that that person has the right to request noises off . I love the space in the studios . We couldn 't make good studio space in the barn , it 's too dark , cold . If we had the resources to put into the barn someday , it will be a beautiful space , but for now the chicken coop is a much better studio . Cleaned out and painted , it looks and feels airy and full of light . It 's easier to put additional windows in the coop than in the barn . The barn has water , though . So we need to consider that , but working on drawings , or paintings on a smaller scale , I can wash my brushes in the house . Michel said that one of the older chickens died yesterday . No discernable reason , except for old age , he said . I told him I want to get 10 more next spring , and I will look into getting a brooder for the babies , rather than keeping them in the house , which I hated after the first week . Also they get so big so fast , that keeping them in a big cardboard box proves unmanageable . Heh , last year , we kept adding boxes , so that they lived in a warren of taped - together cardboard boxes . They create so much dust ! But if we have a brooder in the coop , we need to patch all rodent holes really well . Also for next year , want to expand current bushes , and get at least one more gooseberry bush . This weekend , I will look for strawberry runners in the patch , and put them in pots , and then ask Michel to mow the patch right down , and plant a cover crop . It 's time to move the patch , so we don 't get disease in it . Also i want to plant them on black plastic rows to keep the weeds down , the combination of weeds and rain left me sad about the strawberries this year . I didn 't get near the computer this weekend , too much to do . Mainly watering . It 's been dry , for a couple of weeks now . I don 't have an irrigation system , but we do have springs that we have hoses hooked up to , so I have running water without needing electricity , for part of the garden - - the part that 's downhill from the springs . The parts that are uphill from the springs are another story . Here 's where Permaculture comes in . We are trying to solve the water problem , and Permaculture says to utilize your resources . We are planning gutters on the barn and chicken coop , and the roof mass should capture enough water for all our needs , and we need to figure out how to store it . This water will be used for watering the garden , watering the chickens , and also for our studio needs ( chicken coop conversion into art studios ) . This is a long - term project , coming after getting oil heat in the house , and a few other necessary projects we have put off too long . But for now , I watered , watered , watered all weekend . Lugging containers of water so every plant got its dose for the week . I don 't mind doing this , as it gives me the time to pay attention to each plant . I noticed cucumber beetles on my zucchini plants this morning . I have to spray them with rotenone / pyrethrum mix soon , and I hate to do that , even if it is approved by organic certification people . It 's just one of the dilemmas you encounter . It is not bug - specific , so it might kill earthworms or beneficials as well . Or , I could plant some more seeds , in another place , and keep those covered until they flower . I will think on that today . Rest of weekend - - made red current jelly - - have a client who wants it all , but I am keeping some for us , to use as gifts . Didn 't do anything with the gooseberries , may just forget about them this year - - they got a fungus on a lot of the berries due to all the rain we had in June , and I haven 't had the time to pick through them to find any not affected . I love gooseberry jam , but now the raspberries are coming fast and furious , and we have to pick them every day , and I want to make jam with them . My flowers look terrible , again , they got the short end of the stick , and they show it . Can 't help it , too much to do . We had fun last night laughing about the new house across the street . We love the guy , he built it himself , very nice person . But it is SO BIG , and now it dominates the landscape , and we are trying to plan ways to visually keep it out of our consciousness . So we ( my husband , his daughter , her husband , who came by on their way back to NY ) laughed and laughed at some of the ideas to keep the house hidden from us . One suggestion - - hang laundry ( sheets ) between the barn and the garage . Or put a semi - tracter trainer in the driveway , or build a billboard with a painting of a house that looks just like their house facing them , and a trompe l ' oil garden scene facing us . Or hang a beaded curtain . If you have any suggestion , please post them , we will appreciate the laugh . My husband and I were invited to an outdoor sit - down pretty formal dinner party yesterday at a neighbors beautiful home . They have a very private place , and a gorgeous swimming pool . The tables were situated in a walled courtyard . It was a nice party . I actually even sort of knew someone else there , aside from the hostess , her husband and son . Ate too much , digestive system not happy last night . But they remembered we don 't drink , and had non - alcoholic champaigne so we could participate in the toasts . They had fish roe on blinis , grilled chicken , a mouth - watering ham , different side dishes , cake , and the best coffee . It lasted the whole afternoon , and I know I have grown from being a terminally shy person , self - conscious as hell , to a point where I am fairly comfortable talking with strangers . Still have to stay out of the sun pretty much , still on antibiotics . Talked with someone at the party who had kept guinea hens at one point , and they said that they indeed do keep the ticks at bay , but they can also distroy a garden . Can 't fence the garden either , if we get them , as they will just fly up and over . So I don 't think guinea hens are a solution . Any tick experience ? Today is the last day before the long weekend - - and I am waiting for someone to tell us we can go home early . but it 's 4 : 47 and that ain 't gonna happen , so I figured I 'd post some stuff . I am going to be hanging around in town and meet someone to go to a women 's AA meeting this evening , so I won 't be home until after dark . They will have FOOD at the place before the meeting , and that 's always exciting . I got an email from a client saying how much she liked the peas I delivered to her this week along with the other veggies . I will have to pull up the rest of the peas this weekend , as I didn 't get to that before . I have a bag in the frig to shell for us . I have been eating them raw for lunches . Another client gave me a 100 dollar bill this week when I gave her her produce , and she said that that will be for the next few weeks , and so I am holding this 100 dollar bill in my little notebook / wallet - type leather thing I have . I love money ! I especially love that my produce makes money ! Of course , with all the work I do starting in December for this garden , I am afraid to work out my REAL wage , or costs , and my husband is putting in time as well . Need to call my sister - - she was operated on yesterday , and my brother told me she wouldn 't be able to talk until tonight . Weekend plans - - spend time in hammock . Plant more beans , seed more lettuce , make jam , go to party , go to someone 's downsizing ( divorce ) sale with my 100 dollar bill . Clean up my food act . Spend some time getting studio ready . Haven 't been posting much - - maybe I 'm running out of steam . At least I got some interactive feature installed on my site . And went to WebMonkey to try to learn some ways to make my page look better , but gave up after endless tutorials that weren 't what I was looking for . We will set up a table for the farmstand this weekend ! Michel bought a market umbrella last weekend , and we will try just a table with the umbrella coming through a hole in the table . I will only put out jam this weekend , as nothing is ready to harvest . Tonight I will cook up the red currents , so I can make red current jelly . We got a nice crop of currents . They look so beautiful , all massed in bowls and baskets . I have a customer who says she will buy all of it . But I think I will make a half a dozen jars for her and keep the rest for us . Also have gooseberries to make jam with , which is my favorite of all . And the raspberries are starting to turn red . I dug up some potatoes last night , the yield is still small , but I wanted to give one of my customers some , they are so delicious . I 'm in a funny period , where lots of stuff is over , and other stuff isn 't ready . I think beans will be coming in next . I pulled up most of the pea plants last night , and will pull up the rest tonight after work . I have been eating some of them raw for lunch a few times . Soon I will have zucchini , basil , tomatoes , beans , potatoes , raspberries , and can put in some herbs like chamomile , thyme - - have already put in some cilantro to my deliveries , along with flat - leaf parsley . Will still have swiss chard , parsley , hopefully some beets , kale , collards , broccoli raab . Enough to give a good variety , along with the staple of salad greens . My dream is to bake the baguettes as well . But maybe not for this year . They are really good . Don 't know how to market them yet or how to keep them , where to get the paper bread bags . Yaaay ! It worked . So if anyone wants to leave me a post on my weblog , just click on the Comment links below . I will try to refine things later . But for now I managed to paste in the code right . I am trying to add stuff to the site . I e - mailed someone on her weblog and asked her how to get stuff on my site , and she sent me back a very nice response with some websites whereby I could get stuff to add . So right now I am trying to paste in some code so people can leave their messages on my site . Do I read all the instructions ? Noooo . So it probably won 't work . If it doesn 't I will try to read the instructions . Talked to my Dad last night . he wanted my sister 's hospital phone number so he could call her . I thought it was still recorded on the phone , but unfortunately , it had been deleted . So I don 't have her number , either . I told him to call my brother , that he had talked to her , and he probably has it . We stayed up late last night watching a video , an older movie with Julie Andrews called Tamarind Seed . With Omar Sharif . It was such a dated movie , seventies , I think , and not very good . Somber Julie Andrews , sugary , sweet - faced Omar . The music was the most dramatic part of the movie , cold war stuff . Someone here at work brings in tons of videos of old movies , and I usually take a bunch . Whoever tapes them from TNT or Showtime , or HBO , catalogues them so meticulously . I bring them for Michel , and usually don 't stay up to watch . I need the early evening to be in the garden . But last night I sat up , just to stay up late and watch tv , being undisciplined , when I usually fall into bed by 9 : 30 . Well , I did get a flat of lettuce plants planted last night between 8 and 9 . And a few more melon plants , which are way too late . I had wanted a good melon crop , but the weather wasn 't with me , and we probably won 't get any until late September , if at all . So I knew planting them was an exercise in futility . But I did it anyway , rather than just throw them out . Got up this morning and sat out on the porch drinking coffee . A perfect morning , sunny and cool , and our place looking like heaven . I am aching to buy so many plants , but all that will have to wait . Will try to learn about propagating plants this year , in order to save money and get what we want . Brought some salad greens in for a coworker this morning , and was reminded by another coworker that I was going to bring in some for him . No memory of that conversation . Losing my memory . Maybe that 's the beginning of bliss . Maybe it 's the drinking of my youth . Someday I will tell everyone my story . Like I do when I qualify at a meeting . It 's one of the most important parts of who I am , and no one knows it outside of AA . Who 's reading this weblog ? Where will it go ? Is it safe to write stuff ? Should I even care about that ? It 's a challenge to write , not knowing who 's reading , to be descreet enough , and still be honest and true . I 've read blogs that talk in a critical way about things , and that can be amusing to read . I know my blog is not meant to be amusing , and is to be a record of my garden . But I want to talk about the things that infuse my life , and my wonder and pain about things as well . My life is a miracle . It 's so different today from what my inner landscape was in my late teens early twenties . Before I got sober . And it 's so different now from the first decades of sobriety . I have to say that the single most significant event of my life was when I walked into AA and got sober at age 26 . It has framed everything that has happened before that and since , and was the first miracle I ever experienced . And I am still amazed that I got sober , because I didn 't think I was an alcoholic , just that my life was a mess . What made me stay , when to call myself an alcoholic seemed too over - the - top , and I didn 't want to believe it . I stayed because the people were talking about feelings in a way that I desperately wanted to hear , because they were talking about me , my inner life , my own feelings , that I didn 't understand nor could I articulate . It seemed more important than the label , alcoholic . |
Contributor : Dan Slaten - - Tim looked at the message one last time before clicking send . He 'd read and reread the words so many times that they no longer made sense , but he still wanted to give it one more look before sending it to CrazyHotCoolGirl29 . You could never be too careful or too thorough in matters of the heart , even when those matters were as trivial as an introductory message on an internet dating site . Minutes later , Tim heard a girl laughing hysterically one table over . " Karen , you have to check this out , " said the girl . " Look at this message I just got from TimTime2000 . Check out his profile - and his pictures . What a loser ! " " You sound really interesting , " said the girl Tim assumed must be Karen . She seemed to be mimicking the deep voice of an imaginary , generic man as she read Tim 's words from just a few feet away . " Like you I am a big baseball fan . . . " The message he 'd just sent out , the one he 'd written and rewritten more times than he cared to think about , was nothing more than a joke to Karen and CrazyHotCoolGirl29 . Tim wanted to reach into the internet and somehow retrieve the message , delete it , and eliminate its very existence from the face of the Earth and all corresponding digital realms in which it might exist . Of course , that wasn 't possible . Deleting his dating profile right now wouldn 't do him any immediate good either , although it might spare him from being the butt of more jokes in other restaurants around town . Worse still , Tim was finished eating , and Karen and CrazyHotCoolGirl29 were sitting at a table between him and the exit . If he got up from his booth they would see him , and they would laugh some more at his expense . It would be a lot like all of his high school dating experiences from a pre - internet world . Tim spotted his waitress and waved her over . " I 'd like to order dessert , " he said . " Preferably something so large I might never finish it . " - - - Dan Slaten writes short stories and poetry in small notebooks and on sticky notes . Contributor : RD Wood - - There is a man who leaves for work each day , or so his wife and children think . He lost his job as a salesman at the insurance company on October 19th 1987 and has sat in the park ever since . The most painful hour of his day is the one before the park opens when he must wait in line with men he considers inelegant and gruff , ' uncouth ' if he knew the word . His wife sometimes comments that his clothes never seem to grow old but he does not tell her that this is because he folds them away and does not work , that he sits all but naked in the park all day , always at the same place , which is a five minute walk from his old office and between the forgotten general who sits atop his horse with sword drawn and the poet with a frown and a book opened out . They continue to live with this lie until the repossession company comes looking for them one afternoon . In her stress at the thought of being declared bankrupt and without her husband having heard of her extravagant shopping sprees , the wife is finally caught fucking the milkman the next day , as she had carefully done for years , by her youngest daughter who notices a resemblance to this naked man . The daughter tells the father , and relieved , he leaves them , free to get on with life and not compelled to pay child support . He becomes a host on a cable show and bit by bit , day by day reveals all , reveals the sordid details of his double life . Everyone is disgusted by his demeanour on air . Yet , somehow this self - loathing performance works and he is a runaway success . - - - RD Wood lives in Melbourne . He has had work published in Southerly , Jacket2 and Best Australian Poems 2013 . At present he is working on a chapbook of concrete nature poems . " Think he loves that old car more than us , Chris ? " " Yep . Now shut your pie hole so we can sneak in . " Chris looked from side to side . His clothes drenched , shoes squishing rain . " If we stay low , " said Chris , " we can dodge the streetlights and sneak by the neighbor lady . She doesn 't like rain , so she might not be looking out this time . " " Yeah , I know . Let 's go . Still don 't know why he parked there . " " It doesn 't matter where he parked , " said Chris , . " All that matters is we haul ass in there somehow . " " We say we were in the basement , you know , playing that hiding game like we do . Besides , we 're not real late . He just got in . I figure he 's in the kitchen talking to Ma . Eating shepherd 's pie or something . We can slip in the side door , he doesn 't pay attention to the side door . " " What if he looked down there first ? " " He didn 't . And - and I just said he 's talking , and eating pie , and - and not minding the side door remember ? Weren 't you listening squirt ? You never listen . Now pipe down , and stop asking questions . We have to go . " Chris inched forward , crouched like a cricket . Carl followed close behind . " You never listen , Chris . Told you we shouldn 't have gone across town , I told you . " Oh , just shut - up , Carl and come on . It 's getting later and later . You 're cutting our chances to zero , Carl , zero . ' " " What would you want that for ? You see how he does Ma right after he says he loves her , don 't you ? Not so good I think , " said Chris . " But he 's nice to that old car . Maybe , maybe we could all turn into it . You , me … Ma . He takes real good care of it . Washes it every time the sun comes out , Chris . Every . Time . And he whistles when he does it , he whistles . When it snows , he covers it . And you see that smile while he cleans the inside , see how he is after it 's all shined up ? " " Yeah . I 've seen it . If it wasn 't for that , I wouldn 't know the old man had teeth or a sense of humor . " " That 's why , Chris . Why I wish we could turn into the old Caddy . It gets treated real nice like . He 'd never put a burn on that . " - - - Ava Wilson is currently acquiring her BFA in Creative Writing for Entertainment at Full Sail University . She is also a published author and illustrator of the children 's book entitled , Crunky McBunky , a published poet and playwright , her plays include , For the Love of Friends , and Feathery Heights . Ava is a professional spoken - word artist , and actor of stage and film under her stage name , Nailah Blu . Contributor : Kenzie Cluster - - I arrived a few hours ago while it was raining . We came all the way from Las Vegas , and drove for two days straight to get back to Portland . The gaslight had come on six times : all remaining change was scraped from the ashtray and the sticky floorboards until there was no way to keep going . My driver punched my dashboard three times before exiting and slamming my door . I had watched him walk into the darkness , cursing loudly , without a second glance behind him to reassure me he would be back soon . Since the rain stopped , my engine is cold and I am lonely . I miss my driver . I remember when we first met : it was a summer morning , and he came running toward me saying , " That 's her ! I saw her in my dream , that Gunship Gray 1969 Ford Fairlane . She 's beautiful . " He 'd waited for my last driver to get out of the grocery store to offer him a large sum of cash to take me home right then and there . He quickly agreed , knowing that his angry lady would be happy I was gone . He would have given me up for any amount thanks to the angry lady . My driver and I went everywhere together for a long time . He took me on trips just to show me off . He waxed me weekly and always polished away his fingerprints when the day was over . In time , he started letting people come and ride with him more often , but not as a treat to them , as a treat for him . We went to many trashed houses and ill kept neighborhoods . He and his most frequent passenger decided to go on a long ride last weekend . He drove me very badly for the first few hours ; he almost ran us right into a pole . Then we got to the bright city he frequently spoke of : there were lights in every direction , and people pointed at me and called out in admiration and jealousy . I felt like a golden woman , until he parked me in an alley and left for days . Soon enough , a shifty couple came and tried to take me away , but my driver was smart : when the doors were unlocked and the key was in , my motor wouldn 't start . He always did this trick when we went fancy places . The man cursed but dare not hit me , and the woman cried silently as they snuck away . I was glad they left . My driver and his passenger came back angry . He fumbled putting my engine back together and burnt his hand . We left the bright city in a rush , and I grew tired quickly . We didn 't stop for breaks this time . My engine sputtered to a halt twice on the way back , and my driver had filled me with the stored gas . I 'm here now with an empty fuel tank , and I don 't know when I will get a drink . I 'm thirsty and tired , and as hard as I search , I can 't find my driver . The rain is falling lightly now , making me cold . Maybe this time my driver won 't come back , and I 'll be left here alone . - - Dexter Dalrymple had no idea why anyone would want to interview him . Who would care at this point what he 'd have to say . Maybe his family and a few old friends , in deference to his age and wealth , hoping to find themselves in his will some day soon . But he had agreed to this interview and there he was now , at 82 , sitting across from this financial reporter , a young lady , perhaps 22 , the age of his granddaughter who had just graduated from college . His granddaughter was the light of his life . He would leave all of his money to her if it wouldn 't make everyone mad . Dexter knew the only reason this young lady wanted to interview him was that he 's worth roughly $ 5 million , the harvest of over 50 years of investing in the stock market , all on his own , with no advisor . A remarkable achievement , he realized , for a man who had dropped out of high school with more than a little shove from the principal . " Investing in the stock market is easy , " Dexter had once told a financial advisor who had sought his business , " provided you have the brains and the balls to do it right . It 's no place for the chicken - hearted . " The advisor went back to the office without a new client but he had met someone he - - and many other people over the years - - would never forget whether they bought and sold stocks or not . Dexter was a character , right up there with W . C . Fields whose old films he loved to watch in his home theater . Many times Dexter had told Penelope , his wife of 60 years , that the smartest thing he had ever done was to marry her and the second smartest thing he had done was to quit drinking and smoking . " I may have had too many milkshakes since then but that 's why someone invented statins - - to keep my cholesterol down , " Dexter would tell anyone in earshot , sometimes more than once a day . Every man has at least one weakness or maybe two , and a daily milkshake at 3 p . m . was the last one Dexter would admit to in a long life of making big money , collecting cars and admiring women , not always from afar . " What was the greatest moment in your life ? " the young reporter asked in her opening question , pushing back the waterfall of auburn hair falling over her left shoulder . Nice hair , Dexter thought , but not a very good opening question for a young financial reporter interviewing a millionaire . She was supposed to find out how he made all that money . He didn 't plan to tell her everything - - maybe a few things because she seemed like a nice person - - but at least she could ask the right questions . The young reporter looked befuddled because she had expected Dexter to tell her about some big deal he had made in the stock market . She knew he was one of the wealthiest men in America . He was a little odd , she knew , but in her young life she had already discovered that many successful men were a little odd in one way or another . But Dexter was on a roll now so she stayed silent and decided to let him finish . " When I went back to the Church , " he said , " it was truly the greatest moment in my life . Better than making money or anything . To know that I could finally be faithful to my wife was a great satisfaction . I felt better doing that than making money . It 's easy to make money . Not so easy being faithful . Not even with a milkshake every day . " Remember now , this is just between the two of us . Don 't put that in the paper and don 't tell a soul . People will think I 'm nuts . I know I 'm nuts but why confirm it for the public . " The young reporter said there would be no need to include that information in her article . She simply wanted to know what Dexter had done to make millions of dollars without any formal education and without any financial advice . " Most millionaires rely on a financial advisor to keep up with the stock market , " she told Dexter . " What makes you different ? Is it that you never give up ? " Dexter thought for a moment and then said that not giving up was very important because the stock market is the roller coaster the cliche would have it to be . One has to be in it for the long haul , know when to buy and when to sell . Never lose interest . Never stop , except maybe for a milkshake every day . And always keep an eye out for the next big opportunity . " By the way , young lady , do you have any plans for lunch ? I have a table over at the Mark IV , " Dexter said , rolling his wheel chair toward the door . " Years ago I owned that restaurant and sold it for a nice profit to a gentleman who said he would have a reserved table waiting for me for the rest of my life . " Scallops are the special of the day on Friday . Or if you like steak , theirs is well marbled . Marbling is important , on steak or on a woman . But don 't quote me on that . " We can finish the interview over there . I hope you have a big notebook . I think I 'll have quite a bit to say . " My driver is waiting downstairs . " Contributor : Lyla Sommersby - - I watch the lavender blossoms drift in wind like soft brushes wet with paint , and I remember my knight . Tall , his jaw set strong , holding a smile beneath sky - blue eyes . I remember his voice , his touch , the press of his lips against my skin - - all strong , so strong . I remember the shine of his armor , the red of his crest , the gold edges of noble filigree vining across steel . I remember it all , and as I remember , the tears bud and run from my eyes . The lavender blossoms that grow over his grave wave like pennants , like lances , and as I hold my heavy belly , quiet my heavy heart , I close my eyes . I wasn 't born here , on Nereid IV - b . The colony is only a few years old , and most of the settlers are early - gen spacers , migrants who 've seen a thousand worlds , elected for sterilization centuries ago . It 's something else , something I can feel in my blood - - about the planet , the ocean , something I feel like I 've been searching for my entire life , trying to get back to . Something about the gravity , the planet 's proximity to the three stars that hold it suspended in the most elegant orbit I 've ever seen on an inter - system approach , gives it the most placid , most serene seas I 've ever seen . Clean and clear , there are no tides or currents in the wide oceans of Nereid IV - b , nothing to wear down the smooth , gray - glassy stone that sprawls on across the bottom as far as the eye can see . No life - - nothing beyond a few simple mineral constructions that might become bacteria before the planet 's three suns burn out . All of my life , I 've been afraid of oceans , but not the oceans here . Earth 's oceans are dark and deadly , oppressive and thick with horrors both real and imagined . Some planets I 've seen are worse , have thick , sludgy seas teeming with tiny , violent carnivores eager to seek out human flesh - - others are better , their seas more serene and silent . But none of them have seas like Nereid IV - b . There are no monsters here , nothing lurking or hunting in the darkness , no danger , no unseen movements of water waiting to pull you under . Open your eyes under the surface and you can see for miles , know that there is nothing but the seafloor , the shore and you , you floating there in the middle of it all . With the right gill - breather you can float there for hours , close your eyes , meditate , drop away into the pleasantly cool embrace of pure water held together by the most minimal gravity field you 've ever felt . There is nothing like falling asleep in the oceans of Nereid IV - b , waking up again a few hours later and knowing that you are safe , that the sea has supported you softly while you 've slept . It 's an incredible feeling , trusting your existence to an ocean , to an entire planet 's stretching seas , knowing that no matter how deep you go , no matter how far from shore you swim , you will always be safe , always be home . The moment I slip into the ocean , I know that I am home , and for a while , at least , I know I can forget everything but the sea , the endless ocean I love , the silver , serene waters that seem to accept all that I am , man - - flawed and imperfect . Shore leave never lasts for more than a few days , but some day , some day , I 'll come back to Nereid IV - b . I 'll come back and I 'll stay . Contributor : MJRAFFERTY - - I was rolling along through my life living my dream with my love , and the children of our love beside me . Work seemed like play ; all systems clicking in order as they should . Life was good . Defenses were drawn around me and the strategies of professionals were tested , but to no avail . My tears , and the tears of others flowed . Hope was gone and the taste of fear was like acid in my mouth . The medicine of science took me and all that was left was desperation . Life had dimmed but love swelled , flooding in and over from all sides . The weeks and months passed , but to me there was nothing but light or dark , sleep and not sleep . My speech became a jargon to others ; no matter , because the desire to communicate had withered , even though there were times of lucid intervention . Did I respond … say the things so needed to be said ? Thoughts were inward now , food and drink had mostly disappeared . How did I live ? This for a man only forty - three ? There were times I was weightless , floating off my bed for moments , then down . The voices of familiar people spoke to me . Was I even in the room ? What in hell is this . . . ? I remember that day in June , wrenching myself from my place of pain , going outside of the house I so loved to stand alone in the sunlight - - and finally , my moment came . I was lifted from the ground and pulled skyward past rooftops , then faster through thin clouds . Airliner to my left , do they see me ? The earth fell rapidly away and I was so afraid of dying . I felt myself grow colder but something amazing was going on around my head and body . It became a shroud of translucent wonder that shielded my ascent through the atmospheres of near space into perfect vacuum . I began a slow rotation bathed in a mode of exquisite feeling ; all fear had fallen away . Encapsulated , I orbited my world in the silence of my thoughts . Surely this could not be death , for those I loved and left behind could only , if they knew , have wished this for me . If not death , then a dream of unimaginable splendor - - - - And then I was away , streaking in uncomprehending speed outward , past my childhood moon and sun , safe in my envelope of self . I morphed as I moved toward a faraway whatever . Arms and legs , my humanity dissolved , reshaping itself to some unknown purpose . Ahead was ill - defined . I moved through time and space , but memory was clear and absolute . Strange to relive so sharply that so far behind . As my destination neared , my life from conception to that moment was put in exact definition and details were acutely drawn . Complex problems that I had faced in my life became simple ; hunger for knowledge so far unfulfilled was satisfied ; all unquiet made calm . My evolution was nearing completion . I arrived at a place that neither had , nor required explanation and where time escaped meaning . I had been made whole and had become what I was forever meant to be . I was returned to my world and those I love the most , so I am here among you again . All is good . " Morning , Lola . Today 's my birthday , " said Reuben , as he stepped into the bus and gave her a high five . He sat three rows back . " He did what ? " asked Sharon . " I didn 't have time to get the trash can to him . And the mess went into the wheelchair tie - down tracks , " she said , running her fingers through her hair . Contributor : Austen Rodgers - - The city , even at night , was alive and functioning . Cars were always on the move and the people were always busy . Busy generating a profit . Busy robbing suburban liquor stores and gas stations . Just too busy trying to live , and too busy to notice the men on the streets . An older gentleman , Jo , as he called himself , was one of those men of the streets . During the day he would spend his time on the sidewalks of downtown Chicago . The windy city , without a fall or a spring , was never comforting . In the summer sun his skin would burn and blister , and in the winter it was a struggle to keep his ligaments safe from the bitter bite of the cold . The weather , just like the city , was pitiless . Sores between his toes caused pain in every one of his steps . They were the result of his water filled boot and his plastic flip - flop . " Shoes , " he 'd say , " could you get me some shoes ? " Rain settled over the city , creating puddles along the curbs . The flash of red and blue police lights caught his attention at a distance away . He slowly trotted through the sitting water toward them . He was curious . He liked to know what happened around the city . " You 've served ? " or " God bless you for your sacrifices . " They 'd say . " But God hasn 't , " he 'd reply , " so could you ? " He walked with a gimp , as he always did . He reached up with a tan leathery hand and removed his cap . The itch on his brow had grown red and bumpy and it just wouldn 't go away . He returned the hat to his head when he was satisfied with scratching . ' Navy Veteran ' the hat read . Jo thought the hat helped sometimes , and that was all that mattered . In this city you had to take care of yourself , and in this city everyone lied . " Yes , I served in the Bay of Pigs , " he 'd say . " Change to spare ? " " No , I 'm sorry . " They 'd reply . " I forgot my wallet . " The lights grew brighter as he came closer . The colors bounced off the water droplets on the ground and the tall city buildings around him . " Just another luckless day , " he mumbled to himself . When Jo was a block away , a fire truck approached the commotion . Police , now visible through the muggy weather , rushed about and partnered with the firemen . " Hurry up ! " an officer yelled . " Get the jaws ! " From across the street , Jo watched the firemen and the police scramble . A car , wedged in concrete and glass , was the cause of the disturbance . A fireman with tool in hand ran to the crumpled car . The metal of the Cadillac tore and crunched as he cut his way through the door of the vehicle . " Reminds me , " Jo muttered , " of my old car . " A tall , brown haired officer noticed Jo . The man squinted trying to get a good look at Jo . After a moment , he turned back toward the car . From the wreckage the service men pulled a blonde woman . " She 's unconscious ! Where 's that ambulance ? " A policeman yelled , and the same one as before looked at Jo again . " Move along , " he said . Jo stuttered , and looked at the ground . " Re - Reminds me , " he said as he turned away , " of me . " - - - Hello , my name is Austen Rodgers and I live in Iowa . I 've had a passion for writing ever since I was fourteen , and only recently decided to push for my goals . The first draft of my first book titled : " The Book of a Few " , will be finished this year and I am so excited . Contributor : Kaila Allison - - It 's the hottest night of the year . Men wipe sweat from lips with hankies . Women fan themselves with brochures . We are young and in New York . A buddy of Miles ' from Philly is performing with his group , a free - form jazz quartet , in an Aikido dojo at 307 East 92nd . We walk up a narrow staircase and Miles cracks the door slowly - not sure we 've got the right address . But it is , Sensei greets us and tells us please if we didn 't mind taking our shoes off , this is a dojo after all . A slight Asian man holding a beer comes over , tells us his name 's Ken . We all shake hands . Miles says he 's a buddy of Elliot 's from Philly . Not from Philly but he goes to school there , studies jazz guitar . He says , this is my friend Kaila , she 's a writer . Ken smiles . He has nice teeth and he laughs in the right places . He says there 's sake and beer if you like . I 'm a little nervous about being barefoot , what if I picked up a fungus or something . Then I decide to forget about it . Miles and I take a tour of the little studio , we look out a window and see a picnic table decorated in weed memorabilia . That 's psychedelic , Miles says . We sit on a rocky wooden bench and Miles sees this guy behind us with a camera , Pete . Are you a jazz photographer , he asks ? Just a bass player with a camera , says Pete . We all laugh . This guy Pete knows his stuff . He has a 1958 Nikon around his neck . Still works , but you gotta wind the film by hand . Miles says , This is my friend Kaila , she 's a great writer . I tell him I go to NYU . Great school , he says , I went to Columbia then Fordam by Lincoln Center . I say I know it . We talk about how brevity is the greatest challenge of writing . Pete says Mark Twain thinks writing is like slitting your wrists and bleeding onto the page . I say I 'm more into poetry because it 's brief . Our culture is filled with people in a rush to get on to other things . Elliot comes waltzing into the room with a rusty old baritone sax and a flute . He 's a looker , Miles says , reminds him - - - Kaila Allison is a senior at New York University studying Creative Writing and Psychology . She has published fiction and nonfiction in Potluck Mag and Mr . Beller 's Neighborhood . - - Everyone in the neighborhood was surprised when Bill McIntyre entered the seminary to study for the priesthood . He had been dating girls since early in high school and had been engaged since graduating from college to a lovely young lady . He often spoke about wanting to have a big family since he himself had been an only child . But something happened in that relationship and Bill and his girlfriend broke up . " At least it 's not white bread " is all that Adam would ever say . Adam was studying to become a rabbi . Adam was the first one Bill told about his plans to become a priest . " A rabbi can get married , Bill . You 'll be single for life . The priesthood is wonderful but it might not be the right place for a guy who wanted to have a big family , " Adam said . But a year after his broken engagement , Bill entered the seminary . After six years of studying philosophy and theology , he was ordained . His first assignment was at a very busy church where several priests were on staff . He was the newbie in every respect . At St . Adalbert 's , Father Bill was more or less adopted by an elderly priest , Father O ' Brien , who showed him the ropes of what was expected of any priest , young or old . They became close friends , sharing a love of chess , which they often played into the night , matching wits and having great conversations . Father Bill always said that he had learned a lot from Father O ' Brien , especially what it was like to have been a priest for 65 years . After two years at St . Adalbert 's , Father Bill thought he knew Father O ' Brien well enough to ask him a serious question . Since he still found women attractive but had not strayed from his vows , Father Bill thought Father O ' Brien might be able to help him with a little advice . Constant prayer had helped a lot but he thought an old priest like Father O ' Brien , who was 90 , might have some special insight . So during one of their many chess games , Father Bill spoke up . " Father Bill , that 's a tough question . I don 't think I can help you but I know a priest who might . I 'll call Father Moriarity in the morning . I 'm only 90 . Father Moriarity is 95 . " " It 's been five years ; I 'm pretty sure she doesn 't want me back in her life . Anyway , seen any good movies lately ? " Michael asks , clearly trying to change the subject . " You should call her , " Matt says persistently . " I 'm not going to call her , " Michael says defiantly . " She was your high school sweetheart . " Michael changes several times , but finally manages to find some clothes that he looks decent in , and gets to the restaurant before she does . She walks in fashionably late at seven - fifteen and sits down at the table . " You 're late , Sarah , " he says with a playful smile on his face . " I know that 's not true , " she says bluntly . " Because of the ridiculous name ? " " Because you get this stupid smirk on your face when you lie , it makes me want to kiss you and punch you at the same time . Plus , I know that I 'm the only person who will ever put up with you , " she says , raising her glass . They walk up the white sidewalk and arrive at a rundown apartment within minutes . The paint looks like it has endured a war , one wall looks like it has been pushed in by a bulldozer , and another wall looks like it is trying to leave . " It 's a … nice place you got here , " he awkwardly lies . She suddenly leans in and kisses him on the lips . She doesn 't say anything and walks right up to the door to go inside . But right before she enters , she turns around . Contributor : James Babbs - - Out there in the country away from all the lights the night sky littered with countless stars . I held her close to me and felt the pounding of her heart . When I kissed her on the lips and stuck my tongue in her mouth she sucked in her breath and I laughed . I kept trying to tell her how much I loved her but she acted like she didn 't understand . I laughed again and pointed at the sky . I told her how fucking crazy it was with all the millions and billions of stars for someone not to believe there was another planet somewhere capable of sustaining intelligent life . Millions and billions of stars I said . That meant billions and trillions of planets . I told her how some of the stars we saw had died eons ago but they were so far away their light was only just now reaching us . It was strange I said . Something so long dead still shining so bright . Then I placed the gun against her head and pulled the trigger . She collapsed softly into my arms . I held her against me and felt the weight of her body . When I laid her in the grass I started to sing - I dug the grave among the trees where the dead leaves were thick like a layer of carpeting over the ground . When I was finished I walked the two miles back to my truck and sat in the front seat looking at the stars through the windshield . I told myself this would be the last time . The same way I did the time before and the time before that . I started the truck and drove to the Hideaway - this little dive bar out on the edge of town . I ordered a shot and washed it down with beer . It was almost closing time . One of the working girls sitting at the far end of the bar tried to catch my eye but I wasn 't interested . I had a bottle waiting for me at home . I kept it in the cupboard above the stove . I really liked it in there . When I reached up there to get it the glass always felt so warm . - - - James Babbs continues to live and write from the same small Illinois town where he grew up . He has published hundreds of poems over the past thirty years and , more recently , a few short stories . James is the author of Disturbing The Light ( 2013 ) & The Weight of Invisible Things ( 2013 ) . Contributor : Reese Scott - - He was born in a hotel . But of course he didn 't know it was a hotel . He didn 't know what a hotel was . He didn 't know what a room or a roof was . It 's difficult to create images without the help of words and since he had none he only went by what he was told . Which was very little . Inside the hotel lived three other people . A young girl close to his age and two people who were older than they were . When the boy and the girl were alone they would talk about the difference between them and the other people . " I don 't know . I mean I don 't know if it was real . I think I was dreaming because I didn 't know anything or anyone . " " Well . They were both in the bed . At first it was hard to tell who was in the bed . At first I thought the bed was empty . But then I could see what looked like one body move under the sheet . But then I realized it was two bodies under the sheet . " " I don 't know . But then it felt like a dream because I was suddenly right next to the woman in the bed . Maybe a foot away . " " No . Nobody saw me . It felt like I wasn 't there . Then the body of the man started to do something strange . I had never seen it before . " Contributor : Linda Garnett - - " Mitch , can 't this car go any faster ? We 're not going to make it . " " We 're almost to your hou . . . Contributor : Stephen V . Ramey - - A boy stood in dappled sunlight , blocking my way . He was bone thin , all arms and legs . His expressi . . . |
My husband was trying to relocate a microlink to our computers in the shop . This is not a thing we HAVE to have , but it used to work and yesterday it wasn 't . In order to get it to work again , my husband had to move the equipment on the house end from the front of the house to the back and mount it on the window bars . This involved a lot of cable making , stapling inside the wall of the garage , welding and painting for the piece that mounted to the window , testing of cables , switches , and links , etc . It took my husband all day , but he got it working . Now he just has to put his tools away and cut down several branches on a tree between the house and the shop for a clearer line of sight . In 2000 , my son designed a website so I could try to sell the things I made . I then realized that for the same money , I could list the work of other people , too . At one point I had over 120 artists on the site . My enthusiasm was through the roof . I lived and breathed Creative Artworks . I 've met a wonderful variety of talented people over 17 years , and I 've been proud to host the website , helping people sell their artwork . I 'll never cease to be amazed at how many really creative folks there are in this world . I 've never met most of the artists who allowed me to display their work , but I 've become friends with many of them . The first one I told that I was shutting down the website was my son , who is halfway across the world from me . He worked tirelessly to make the very best website for me that he could . Even when he went on to do countless other things , he would make time to help me with problems , adapt the site to meet different requirements from the credit card people , web hosts , and others . When I wrote to him this morning , he was still up , though there is 12 hours difference between us . He wanted to really chat , so he sent me the program appear . in ( I think ) so we could actually talk in real time and SEE each other . ( This is like Skype - but we could never make Skype work well for us . ) We talked for several minutes . He was worried that I was shutting down the site because I was upset for some reason , or was upset with him . I assured him that I had been considering the idea for some time and decided that it was time . I thanked him from the bottom of my heart for giving me 17 of the best creative years of my life , for designing the website that allowed me to show my own stuff and the work of others . Part of me is sad because it 's the end of an era for me . I 've truly enjoyed it , but my heart is now in writing my blog , square foot gardening , the new greenhouse , continuing to cook low carb and low sugar for my husband and myself , spending more time on my art , spending time with our new puppy , practicing yoga , and more . I feel really lucky that I am able to end one part of my life , freeing it up for more of the things I love . I could see his mouth was watering , and he 's worked hard on his ham stuff - passing all three tests available and getting the main radio , and several different , much smaller antennas , none of which he could make work they way they should . People he had talked to in the club said , " It should be working , " but it wasn 't , in each case . He can reach the people for the weekly meeting , but he wants to really be able to USE it . The 10 foot section parts ( 5 of them ) had been on the ground in the back yard for quite awhile . The control box was in the man 's garage , and that was the main thing that needed protection . We bought the whole group of things , which my husband says is a Rohn antenna , put all the pieces in the back of the truck , tied them down securely and brought them home . We spent awhile getting all the sections out near the place where the antenna will go . They 're heavy ! We 'll need to measure to be sure the antenna is 45 feet away from the commercial power pole to the east of the house . It will be out somewhere around my greenhouse . The first big thing - before I caved to the purchase - was that he would get REAL help - not just me - to get this thing up securely . We 'll need to hire the man who dug our water well 30 years ago - or whoever is handling that business now - to come drill a hole at least 6 feet deep . My husband says he 'll put a big , heavy pipe in the hole as the base for the antenna . We 'll mix Sac - Crete to put in the hole and around it for a pad on which the antenna will sit . I insisted my husband call the head of the club back and ask if he knew people we could hire to put the antenna up . ( This means someone skinny , strong , and agile enough to climb the antenna with another section in hand , hoist it up and add it to the one he 's standing on , and then do the same until the whole thing , including the rotor and the cable , plus the thingie that turns at the top , are together . ) Then we need to install guy wires all around to be sure it 's secure . Happily , Mike knew two guys he called " The Johnson Twins , " who can do just that for us once we have the pad done . My husband is like a kid at Christmas . There are a couple of places in the metal scaffolding that seem to have burst when water froze inside them . He 'll need to repair those , get enough of the proper 8 - wire cable to go from the rotor on the antenna across the field to the house and into the house , attached to his radio and control hub . He 's happy . When we went for groceries this morning , the first thing he said was , " I 'm happy we got the antenna . " : 0 ) I just spent an hour and a half in my raised bed square foot vegetable garden . The fact that I can work in it without having to bend over a lot , and can plant , weed , harvest , and pull - a ll at about chest level - is really , really nice . That said , I 'm still old and I still get really hot working in the sun . : 0 ) We had a really odd combination of a cooler than usual spring with lots and lots and LOTS of rain and not much sun followed by blazing sun and 90 degree temperatures . This has resulted in my lettuce bolting , my spinach doing the same ( both shooting up to about 4 feet in height and going to seed on the top . ) The only thing to do with the lettuce at this point is save the little bit that I can and pull the rest of the plants . At the beginning , my plants were looking really good . Even with the best growing medium and supplements , square foot gardening , etc . , some years your plants simply don 't do as well as you would hope . The last storm also made the tops of my onions bend over and start to yellow . I looked at things today and decided to go ahead and harvest them . I pulled them all out , cut off the tops , and left them in a few piles on the planter while I came in to rest . I 'll read up on how to dry them for storage . I have 4 of the six planters cleaned up , pulled up , or pruned . I 'll try to finish in another session out there today . It looks as if I 'll actually get at least a small spaghetti squash or two ! I have a long vine with blossoms and two actual squash bulbs . I spread it out , allowing it to go where it will and do whatever it wants . I 'll take a pic later . My celery plants are still growing , but they don 't look a thing like a bunch of celery you would buy in the store . I have no clue what I 'm doing , but the plants look great ! : 0 ) I 'm hoping we 'll get the greenhouse finished soon and ready for me to start seed for my fall plants . It 'll be such fun to try to grow plants to transplant out into the garden at the proper time . Again , I have a LOT of reading to do as to when to start the seeds in order to have them ready for the fall . Our good dirt and driveway guy , Eric , came over with his tractor today and smoothed our really bumpy driveway and then proceeded to clear land for the greenhouse my husband and I are going to build . It 's to the east of our house , on the extra 2 acre strip we bought to add to our land several years ago . It 's the only halfway level spot we have on our almost 8 acres of land … The cleared space we need is supposed to be 15 feet x 15 feet in order for us to build a 12 foot x 14 foot greenhouse . The first step is to drill and then pound in the corner spikes . My husband cut 2 foot pieces of pipe , then we got big , heavy angle iron to weld onto the spikes , making corner posts to which we 'll attach the treated wood to make the perimeter of the greenhouse . This is no small step . We had to use explosives in order to be able to dig our basement , put in our septic system , and prepare for the swimming pool we never built 30 years ago . We have a cement drill that we 'll use to drill holes down as far as possible . Then we 'll use a sledge - hammer to pound the spikes with angle iron into the ground . Today I called our dirt guy to tell him we were functional now and to please put us on the list to clear the land for our planned greenhouse , as well as repair our driveway . Happily , he MIGHT be able to work our projects in this afternoon ! . We have some errands to run , but we shouldn 't be gone long and will be home to receive his call if he can , indeed , come today . : 0 ) Now that my husband is recovering , I 'm feeling more able to call on him to give me a bit of time and space to regain my sanity . I 'm delighted that we adopted Amber , but she is a double handful of extremely active puppy . I find that I 'm a much better ' mom ' to her when I can get my act together a bit between sessions . May 23 , 2017 · 2 : 48 pm Worth Its Weight in Gold My good friend Cathy wrote , telling me that she was worried about my trying to climb over the gate between the living room and the porch where our new puppy Amber is . She told me about a new style of gate that has a ' people door ! ' I had never heard of that , and after she helped me appreciate what I was seeing , I showed it to my husband , the installer of all things . He was a bit worried because our door frames are steel , but he said we should go ahead and order it . It arrived today and we installed it within 10 minutes or less . My husband said , " You should tell this company they 're making a well thought out , well designed product . " The product is from Chewy . com , a wonderful place that ships the product almost immediately . It 's astonishing how quickly things arrive . This is our third order from them , and I couldn 't recommend them more highly . We didn 't need to use the two extensions that come with this gate . It installed quickly and easily with no tools required . It 's very sturdy . There is no place for Amber to hook her feet to climb over it . She can 't get under it . If she gets so she can climb over this 30 ″ tall gate , we can relocate it up a bit higher . The very best part is the people door . We 've fixed it so it opens OUT into the porch , so that Amber can 't open it by accident . When we go out there , she has to back up , and she isn 't quick enough to go between us and the door closing again . I 'm really delighted . I don 't have to concentrate on standing on one foot , lifting the other foot over the gate ( which Amber immediately latches onto ) , trying not to step on her as I put my foot down , then grabbing the door with one hand and bracing my other hand on the brick to the side of the door as I bring the 2nd leg up and over . It 's REALLY been fun when I had something in my hand … May 16 , 2017 · 2 : 23 pm Clutz I don 't know if you can tell - looking at my old , gnarly hand - that there is a discolored lump between my first and middle finger . Somehow , about an hour ago , while I was doing stuff with Amber , I hit the back of my hand on something . It didn 't hurt , and it 's not unusual for me to hit my hand , or other body part , on something . This swelled up suddenly . I noticed it more because I had the sensation my skin was crawling than hurting . I 've had a bag of ice on it , off and on , for about half an hour or so now . I may end up with an impressive bruise , and I won 't be able to tell people an interesting story about how I did it ! Sigh . It got quiet around here about an hour ago - and , as mothers know , that is usually a sign something you don 't like is happening . My husband was walking out to the shop , intending to fix the other stop on the dog run . I couldn 't convince him that this was a stupid move on the morning after cataract surgery , so I went out to the shop and watched him while he put the stop together , then walked back with him and got the ladder , took it out to the run , then held it while my husband climbed up and attached the new stop to the dog run . Then I folded up the ladder and took it back into the garage , again reminding him that he wasn 't supposed to be doing that … This day seems as if it has gone on forever . Starting the day at 5 is not one of our favorite things . With the surgery , the stress , the care - giving and the new puppy , I 'm hopeful we 'll get a good night 's sleep tonight , even though we have to get up early again tomorrow to check in at the doctor 's office again , post - surgery . May 14 , 2017 · 6 : 33 pm Amber - Take 2 We made two trips to PetCo in Fort Smith today . The first time we THOUGHT we had a crate , but it turned out to be a " Dog Barn " with an open front , which would negate the idea of crate training , which starts tonight … . You can see Sweet Amber lying down BESIDE the crate . This is the only time she was quiet and still today . I barracaded the porch screens , trying to protect them from Amber . So far , it has worked ! I tried to sweep the porch . Amber thought it was a LOVELY game , and proceeded to jump on the end of the broom and then chew it . I finally put her on the deck on the leash out there while I finished sweeping , and then mopping the floor . I taped down a wee pad over a spot where she had peed earlier . She decided to try to chew on the pad . I squirted her with a water bottle and she finally quit . I don 't know if this will last or not , but it 's worth a try . The trash can is a combination toy and hidey - hole for Amber . Sometimes she rolls it around and other times she climbs into it . THEN she peed between the trash can and the wall … . I mopped things up again and then tried to get some pics with Amber playing with some of her toys . She LOVES to chew . Our other dogs weren 't really ' playing dogs , ' so we have a bunch of different toys to hopefully entice her to chew on THEM rather than the tabs on the back of my shoes , the edges of my jeans , or whatever else she can find . Yesterday we started getting serious about dog - proofing the porch and the tiled area in the house , where we put up a gate . It 's amazing how much ' stuff ' we have down where she can get into it , dump it over on the floor or on herself , or get hurt with it . We also have stuff hanging from hooks that she would LOVE to pull down … . Today 's project ( other than buying a bunch of stuff at PetCo ) was to make a dog run . We now have a 100 + foot dog run where we can clip her onto it and she can run from one end of it to the other and back again , not getting hurt or getting into anything . I 'll try to get pics of her on the run tomorrow . This is Amber after she took the non - spill water bowl , stuck a foot in it , and tried to slide it across the floor , over and over . Obviously not non - spill , she spread water all over the floor I just mopped , ran out of water , and pooped herself out . POOR Baby ! You can see the harness we got . She doesn 't like it much , and keeps stopping and kicking at herself like she had fleas , trying to get it off . I think in another day or so she won 't notice she has it on . This is Amber on the long leash we have hanging from the dining area window onto the deck . We have it pretty short right now so she won 't get tangled up in the chairs on the deck . Now she can be on the deck with us , or on the run when outside , if she 's not on the leash taking a walk around the house , out to the shop and the garden , etc . with me . So far , she really doesn 't want to go up or down steps , but with a lot of ' encouragement , ' she does it . Smoke whapped her in the face twice in succession . Abby hissed and wanted to go back outside . Molly spent some time with her on the porch . When she came in , she went straight to her bed for a nap . We got a barking deterrent for Amber , since she goes pretty much nonstop . Her barking is loud , too , grating on our nerves . We didn 't want to spend a fortune , and we didn 't like the idea of shocking her , so we got what my husband has labeled , " The popeil bark discourager . " Do you remember all the products by the Popeil Company ? I don 't thing ANYTHING they made actually did what they said it would do … . Anyway , you put the battery in it and locate it anywhere within 25 feet of the dog . When the dog barks , a red light goes on . At that time , it 's supposed to make a high - pitched sound only heard by animals . It 's supposed to be a sound animals don 't like , so they stop barking . Maybe Amber is intelligence - challenged , or isn 't making the connection between her barking and the sound supposedly coming from the discourager , but it isn 't working yet … We are hopeful that we will bring home a sister for Molly , our cocker spaniel / schnauzer cross . Molly is constantly looking for her brother Bambi , and there is no way to explain to her why he is no longer here . We 're hoping that a new addition to the family will give us all new focus , bringing us all closer to heal together while welcoming a new face . I would adopt most ANY animal , if left to myself , ending up in the newspaper as the crazy woman on the hill who has a gazillion animals . My husband is a harder sell , and he will make the decision today . It 's his turn . I chose Smoke , our newest adoption , a cat who has added a lot of richness to the family . It 's his turn to NAME her , too . I gave him a list of names I had come up with to consider , but we 'll need to see her first , and then he 'll decide . May 11 , 2017 · 12 : 06 pm Bambi We just got home from the vet , having Sweet Bambi euthanized . He would have been 14 years old next month , so he had a good , long life . We referred to him as ' the vicious pit bull , ' but he was one of the sweetest dogs we 've ever known , getting along with Molly , our schnauzer / cocker spaniel cross ; Abby , our fat cat we adopted from a newspaper ad years ago ; and Smoke , our newest adoptee that we got from the vet . All three routinely insulted him by taking possession of one of the dog beds and daring him to try to share it . At his peak , he was 95 lbs . He loved to go outside and explore on our 8 acres of land . He pranced , holding his tail up and wagging it like a metronome . My husband taught him to get his dish , and then to get Molly 's dish - putting each into my husband 's hand . Bambi and Molly sat together in the pantry after the food was put down , waiting for the " OK " signal to eat . My husband said , " He gave no quarter , nor asked for it , " resulting in several trips to the vet for repair . He would flip his head , flapping his ears so hard that you could HEAR the crack of it . He burst a blood vessel in one that swelled up , requiring surgery . He then did it to the other ear . I 'm very grateful that we have kind , caring vets ( Dr . Singer and Dr . Martin ) to give our pets whatever they need . Putting an animal to sleep is a very hard thing , but everyone made the procedure as bearable as possible . The vet tech , Alisha , who helped Bambi when he had his emergency visit helping to control his bleeding until the vet arrived , was there today , right by Bambi 's side , holding his hand . Both she , and the vet , Dr . Martin , hugged me . Bambi is now playing in Doggie Heaven . I hope he 's found our other pets who have gone before him . And I hope they all have enough room on the bed to rest together . We live on a ridge line on a wooded piece of land . This time of year , Molly runs out to greet the day , full of enthusiasm , barking as if to say , " Look out world ! Here I come ! ! ! " She returns a few minutes later with her whole snout , mustache , and beard black , having stuck her nose into someone else 's business . She also has her entire face and head full of burrs . I spent half an hour or so , carefully combing out the burrs , then washing her face and hands ( which are also black from digging to get into someone else 's business ) , and then she wants to go out again … I THOUGHT , when we got Molly , that she would be a sweet , feminine , lap dog . Well , I did get the sweet and the lap dog , but you should never underestimate her ego . She 's a dog 's dog - full of life , not afraid to confront - at least by barking - anything in her territory . I 've always loved clowns . Like mimes , they make you see a ' story ' without saying a word . Truly gifted , they can make you laugh or cry . April 28 , 2017 · 2 : 51 pm The Surgery is WHEN ? I had cataracts removed in September or so of 2012 . I really lucked out on the timing . By the time I had it , the procedure is so routine it isn 't a big deal anymore , either with the surgery or the recovery . When I had mine done , I hadn 't realized that I was blind in my left eye from a completely opaque cataract ! I thought I just needed new glasses . The eye exam was a real eye opener ( if you 'll pardon the expression . ) I couldn 't see ANYTHING when my right eye was covered . I 'm still amazed that my brain adapted to that so well . I had no problems with the surgery or the recovery , and my husband took great care of me . Now it 's my husband 's turn . His first surgery is scheduled for Tuesday , May 2nd , at 6 : 45 a . m . I start putting drops in his right eye four times a day tomorrow . April 22 , 2017 · 12 : 17 pm Memories of the Dump This morning was the semi - annual free dumping day in Greenwood . I know it 's weird , but it 's a highlight of our lives . It also brings back fond memories … Now that you 're ready to consign me to the funny farm , the ' memories ' come from dating my husband . We used any excuse to get away together a hundred years or so ago . We spent many days and evenings at the local dump , scrap yards , auto salvage places , etc . in Tulsa , Oklahoma . Sometimes we were looking for a needed car part . Sometimes we were taking things to get rid of for one or both of our families . I never knew anyone else who fell in love at a dump , but then , we 've never been the typical couple . NOW we would LOVE to be able to wander through these places , looking for wonderful scrap for our metal critters . Alas , the world is now so litigious , all are closed to the public due to liability issues . We 're really up the creek now for scrap . One of the many things I love about Arkansas and Greenwood is that they have arranged to make your life easier . One example is early voting . Another is online renewal of your car license tag . A third is the semi - annual free chance to get rid of things that are bulky , heavy , or a pain to get rid of otherwise . There are men who empty whatever you bring ( within limits ) from your vehicle . So all you do is drive over there , wait for a bit until it 's your turn , drive in farther , and then leave trash - free . How wonderful is that ! We always write the day on the calendar so we 're sure we don 't miss it . We have a large trash can in the shop devoted to metal we can 't use for anything . We 've made a bunch of stuff in the past six months , so today the can was overflowing . We now feel we have a new lease on life with an EMPTY trash can for metal ! We have to go back on Monday to finally get rid of a dishwasher we bought that was a huge mistake . We didn 't like it from the first . It really got on my husband 's nerves . Finally , he got so aggravated that he was able to make our old dishwasher we loved work again . He took the new one out , put the old one back in , and moved the new one into the yard to go to the dump . The City of Greenwood is taking appliances Monday , so we 'll finally get rid of it then . ( True to form , he was SO aggravated that he only wanted to throw it away , rather than taking it back to the store or trying to sell it . He said it was so bad he would be embarrassed to try to palm it off on anyone . ) It was the first time I 've EVER had to have something done in the dental office , other than exams and cleaning . I had to have a painful wisdom tooth extracted . I 'm embarrassed to admit that while I was lying back in the chair , I was shaking so badly the assistant kept a hand on me , to be replaced by the hand of the dentist , trying to calm me . That is over now . I still have some twinges and a tightness in my gums , but mostly I 'm back to being my normal mouthy self . : 0 ) I had encouraged my husband to look for a used riding lawn mower since he gets really tired now , plus over - heated , plus dehydrated unless I take him a bottle of water while he 's working . He won 't do the lawn in parts . He starts and he finishes , or will collapse in the attempt . Since I have trouble with our self - propelled mower , feeling a bit like I 'm playing " Crack the Whip " from my childhood days , I thought this was a good suggestion . We actually found one a few weeks ago . We had to replace some parts ( still ordering a new muffler and a new starter solenoid ) , but it worked ! When it was ' my turn , ' it scared my hair off . At the slowest speed , I feel the most comfortable , but I 'll die of old age before the lawn is finished . I forced myself to stay on after my husband thought I had done enough , finishing the yard . I DID pull the edge of a tarp into the blades at the end , but we got it out and there was no damage to the mower - only to my ego . : 0 / I find that pushing myself - either because of necessity or just a good opportunity - is good for me . I can see it from the outside when my friends do less and less , their worlds becoming smaller and smaller . I am determined to keep my world wide open - open to new experiences , learning new skills , testing my courage , moving around outside my comfort zone a bit . The more I push myself , particularly doing things for the first time , I find a new enthusiasm for life and a bit more confidence in myself . I 've been lucky several times , when I had a problem , that the medical community had learned how to deal with it , lessening my suffering . For example , RH factor used to cause death for the mother and / or the baby . I inherited this from my maternal grandmother , who quietly took care of 5 small graves . By the time I had a baby , shots had been developed to help both my son and me . By the time I needed to have cataracts removed , the procedure was a 15 - minute one , with my eyes fixed two weeks apart , with very little problem . ( My husband has a picture of me with a patch on one eye . He paired that with a picture of Mad Eye McGurk from Harry Potter . We looked remarkably alike … ) April 12 , 2017 · 3 : 16 pm Gathering Patience ( 1 ) Our hummingbird bird bath is proving to be quite a challenge . We 've tried several different approaches to getting the water to circulate , but not leak . Today we installed a regular toilet float valve in the trashcan under the bird bath . we hooked everything up , smiled , and then frowned again because it was leaking from the flapper valve in the tub . We have again drained it , leaving all the rest of the system intact . We 're going to spray all around the flapper valve with FlexSeal - the stuff on TV that 's supposed to repair holes in boats , etc . , to see if that will solve our problem . We 're also going to shorten the flexible hose we have that goes from the bottom of the tub to the trash can . We 'll let the FlexSeal dry , and then we 'll test the system again . We 're SO close to having something that we can set and forget - except for extreme enjoyment . Fingers crossed ! ( 2 ) I 'm trying to dye some pillowcases . I found a gloriously deep purple fabric dye . Instead of being able to do the whole process in the washer , as I did once before , we had to boil water , pour it into a large bucket , add salt and dissolve , then add the dye and dissolve . We then put in the pillowcases one at a time , submerging each . The directions say to keep stirring constantly for 15 minutes , then stir every 10 minutes for another 45 minutes . I feel as if we 're making witches brew ! They said to use eye protection and wear gloves . When the 45 minutes is over , I 'll put the bucket in the sink , squeeze each pillow case out into the bucket , and then rinse in cold water while my husband dumps the rest of the dye and water . Then they go into the washer and dryer . And why am I doing this ? We have little bitty foam contoured travel pillows we use on our bed . My husband won 't use anything else . The pillow cases for them are EXPENSIVE . When they got stained , I dyed them , but the only color I could find was pink . Needless to say , we 've been putting up with them , rather than enjoying them , for longer than we would like . I decided to give them new life by dying them a color that would go with our bedding and preferences better . If this works , we 'll be in good shape for our extra little pillows for quite awhile . ( Meanwhile , I 'm setting the timer for 10 minutes and stirring the cases around with a large stick of PVC pipe . ) I 've done three of the four times now . Fingers crossed on this project , too ! ( 3 ) The other project we hope to tackle today is getting our new - to - us riding lawn mower working . Rain is forecast for tomorrow , so it would be really good if we could get the civilized part of our yard looking like someone cares . I 'll be a go - fer while my husband uses his smarts to get it going , figure out how it works , and then teaches me , too . I 'm still healing from having a wisdom tooth pulled Monday , so I 'm not sure how much longer I 'll be functional . The horrendous pain is gone , but I still have aching jaws and a headache . Other than that , I feel as if I were run over by a truck . Since I was ready for the dentist to shoot me to put me out of my misery Monday morning , I 'm very grateful to ONLY have aching and a headache . Small price to pay for the wonderful work of our dentist . By the way , if you 're in the Fort Smith , Arkansas area , you couldn 't find a better dental service . His name is Wesley Moore , DDS . Moore Dental Care , 2913 S . 74th St . Fort Smith , AR72903 . ( 479 ) 484 - 5050 . Our dentist worked me in at 10 : 00 yesterday morning . We had been monitoring my wisdom tooth for quite awhile , since it was eroding . He told me that if it started bothering me , he would refer me to an oral surgeon because there wasn 't enough tooth showing above the gum line for him to grab . I had been hurting since Thursday . I found out yesterday that - had I called him on Thursday ( the last day of their work week ) - I still would have had to wait until yesterday because he left early to go to Tulsa for a meeting . I have a gift for having a problem on holidays , spring break , etc . His assistant got an x - ray of that side of my mouth . It hurt so badly I cried . She felt awful , and I felt bad because she felt bad . I asked the dentist to either make it stop hurting , to amputate the whole left side of my head , or to shoot me . He has the kindest eyes I think I 've ever seen . He said , " Let 's take it out now . " He had me bite down on a Que tip soaked in some kind of numbing agent . I was shaking all over and couldn 't stop . When he gave me a shot of Novocaine , all I felt was a tugging sensation . Then he asked if I wanted to be awake for the procedure . At this point , I had used every bit of stoicism and bravery I had to GET to Monday , so I asked what my options were . He said he had a ' conscious sedative ' that wouldn 't knock me out , but would make it so I didn 't care , and wouldn 't remember . That sounded like Heaven , so I opted for that . I woke up later at home in my own recliner under my favorite throw . I ended up sleeping until about 6 : 00 yesterday evening , when my husband made us some soup . We stayed up pretty late and slept late this morning . I 'm a bit sore , but SO much better today . I 'm just taking Advil , rather than the pain pills we got from the pharmacy . We 're going to run some errands , but I 'm going to take it easy today - maybe taking a nap this afternoon . My normally ' bubbly ' personality is seriously strained . A wisdom tooth in the very back on the left bottom of my mouth has been eroding for some time . When I have my teeth cleaned , the hygienist and the dentist both look at it , agreeing that we don 't need to do anything unless it bothers me . He told me , though , that when I DID have to have something done , he couldn 't do it because there wasn 't enough left of the tooth above my gums to grab . : 0 ( Well , until Thursday , it hadn 't . Since then , I 've been kind of a mess . My dentist and his staff work Monday through Thursday - so , of course , my problem started when he was not available until tomorrow . This has been a very long 4 days . I 'm taking lots of whatever I can find around here . Ibuprofen seems to be the most effective - plus I started using the heating pad when the pain got me up in the middle of the night . I held it to the left side of my face while I read for an hour or so this morning , and then used one on my pillow for the rest of the night . I 'm about to go and medicate and heat pad again . I 'm hoping that we can be started on a fix - with an appointment with the oral surgeon and hopefully some more serious medicine for the pain . Right now having the left side of my head amputated sounds good … . PHONES - Suddenly , we couldn 't call out . We had a flashing light on our home cell phone base , but couldn 't get the messages . We tried everything we knew how to do to no avail . I called AT & T today and a wonderful lady named Bernetta helped me . After I unplugged our cell phone base and took out the batteries , she did something on her end that caused the thing to reset . She called our home line while I was still on my cell to test it . She got our " Press 1 if you 're human and not selling anything , " message and we got the call . She was laughing her head off at the message and wanted to know where we got it . When I told her my husband used a program he wrote to generate the message , she said she could sell a million of them , still laughing . She said , " You 've made my day with that . " She made OUR day by being so nice and helping us make our phones work again . When we got off the phone , we retrieved our messages and then turned OFF that message source , since we have another one attached to our system that helps us block unwanted calls . HOORAY ! One gremlin down ! I can 't get to my website host panel . This is a problem because ( 1 ) I send out newsletters via the panel and can 't get to it . I also can report problems , etc . I can 't sign in . Their main website comes up , but I can 't do anything with it . They 've been working we me , getting me to run terminal sessions and do strange stuff and send them the results . When I did , they said , " Unfortunately , you will need to contact your Internet services provider , as your traffic does not appear to leave their network . " This is all Greek to me , so I wrote our son , the computer guru my HUSBAND goes to when HE ( the computer analyst ) needs help . Our son said from what he saw in the dats , it looked like my webhost people were right and the problem was with the Internet provider . My husband wrote a careful email to the tech person we 've been working with . We 're awaiting his reply , and the gremlin laughs at us . ELECTRICAL PROBLEMS - We have learned over the years that mice consider wiring delicious . We had never heard of this , but we 're gradually learning to do as much wirelessly as possible . It 's too hard to get into the walls , get under the house , etc . , to try to repair the wires they 've eaten or run new wires . Our new project is to try to starve them out eventually - if we live long enough . SO - right now we 're running down one thing after another which aren 't working suddenly , and the causes are mysterious . I don 't speak " electricity , " " phones , " or ' Internet , " so all things are controlled by magic - with the approval of the gremlins . My husband , however , speaks all these languages and doesn 't enjoy the mystery . Okay . My husband and I have been doing a TERRIBLE job lately on following our low carb diet , exercising , and getting healthier . We have lots and lots of excuses , none of which actually hold water when held up to the light - ( to mix a bunch of metaphors and clichés ' . ) This morning I started getting ready to be seriously good . I made a careful list of menus for the coming week and a grocery list to go with it . When we returned from shopping , I started cooking . It arrived yesterday , two days after we ordered . We got the 12 pc set for under $ 60 , including taxes and shipping . We tried the set last night and were both pleased how cozy - yet LIGHT - the comforter is ! I have two soap dishes that I love . One is a man in a tub and the other , a woman . I have the man beside the kitchen sink . I had the woman upstairs beside my sink in the master bath . I brought it down , cleaned it up and put it into the fish bowl . I 've been working for two days , updating our important records list . Since our son lives across the world from us now , he will need to work with people here to settle our affairs when we croak . We have legally done everything we can to make this as easy for him as possible . I take a break and walk around every hour or so , but I was still really bushed at the end of the day yesterday . My husband had a really busy day , as well , so we celebrated living through it by going to get a pizza for dinner . : 0 ) This is going to be one of many breaks for the day . Hopefully , at the end of this one , we 'll have our act updated . Then I 'll make hard copies for files , safe deposit box , etc . and we 'll make thumb drives of all the documents . We 'll send a zip file to our son , and then we 'll put it on the calendar to update things again in six months . I told you a couple of weeks or so ago that I 've been working upstairs on some Christmas presents I want to give friends and relatives . As some things do , I didn 't like the result . I tried to get the paint off , but it 's going to be quite a job . I 'll do it a bit at a time . I 'm not sure what today will bring , but we certainly have the weather for it here in Greenwood , Arkansas . In fact , today 's high will be a huge change , at 88 degrees F . We might even have to turn on the air conditioner for a bit this afternoon ! My husband and I enjoyed the first cookout of the season last night , grilling steaks . It 's been a long time since we enjoyed one , so it 's hard to describe how DELICIOUS it was . AND , since we don 't eat potatoes as a rule anymore , the baked potatoes tasted especially good , as well . There was a wonderful breeze as we cooked on the deck . The sun was going down . We had both doggies out with us , having one on the long deck leash and the other running free , then changing them . Both cats visited from time to time , then found something to pounce on in the taller grass along the edge of the ' civilized ' part of our back yard . My husband enjoyed some iced tea . I had a cup of coffee . We were tired , but nicely so . We had changed our truck tires from the snow tires to the regular ones . This is getting to be a harder and harder job for us , but we 're still managing . My husband has decided that this is a matter of pride now , so we 'll probably be trying to do this ourselves for several years from now . We discussed how wonderful it was that we discovered that Chuck Berry , 90 , one of our teenage favorites , was married to the same woman for 68 years . We can hope for some time together yet . : 0 ) Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Genre : Murder Mystery / Suspense / Thriller Before I started the book , I went through some of the reviews in GoodReads . They were mixed ones with some negative current underlying . But having liked the blurb of the book , I thought of going ahead with it anyway . And that happened to be a wonderful choice for me . There is nothing not to love in this book . Miranda Steele is a very believable character . The things that she has gone through in her past has only motivated her to get stronger and bolder in her attitude towards life . The " Steele " she has in her is only further enforced by her incessant liking for very hot peppers . She gets the break of her life by getting noticed by Wade Parker , who is a PI . The attraction between them is natural and goes well with the story . The story is wholly focused on Miranda , with Wade getting some POVs in between . The central female character gives the story a better feel . The male character is also written in such a way as to give enough importance to him but not having him overshadow Miranda . This gives a very woman - centric theme to the book , which makes it enthralling . Linsay is a wonderful writer . She added enough witty comments in the book to make the reader literally laugh out loud in certain situations , thereby ensuring the story does not turn boring or monotonous . Her style of writing ensures that you cannot keep the book down till you reach the very end . I am looking forward to more wonderful cases with Miranda and Wade . They make a wonderful couple and are in perfect sync to solve mysteries . Star Rating : 5 Stars character is in the middle of a messy divorce . His / her divorce lawyer has advised him / her not to move out of the house because doing so could negatively affect his / her divorce settlement . His / her spouse likewise refuses to move out , so the two are still living together . When your character starts a new romantic relationship , this complicated arrangement becomes even more complicated … Hate is strong word to be used for anyone . But that is what I felt for my ex - wife . And no matter what I did , she refused to let go of me . So much so that even divorce did not make me free from her . The duration of being married to her was enough to make me hate womankind in the entirety . Yes , others may say not everyone will be like Helen and I agree to that . But it is also said that a burnt child dreads fire . And that is what happened to me . she still refuses to leave my home , claiming she contributed in building this home and therefore has equal rights to live here . I even bribed her with alimony , the amount which covered my entire salary but still she refuses . Every day she wakes up and gives me a smile which creeps the hell out of me . I just wish this phase gets over and I come out of this . And that is when I thought of something . my girlfriend and start coming home . It took a bit of convincing her that I did not intend to do anything with her , to make her agree to my plan . I had to make Helen JEALOUS . So she started coming every day in the evening with me . I made it a point to not introduce her to my wife but also ensured that she saw us going to our bedroom every day . Sometimes she used to come out of my bedroom dressed in negligee ( she wanted to improvise if that would help ) and parade in front of Helen just to rub in the point . But somehow , every time , Helen just used to give this smile - this crazy smile that used to drive me up the walls . Even my colleague sometimes confessed to getting creeped up with her smile . But I burning last night , I ran to the bathroom . But I found a weird bright pink colored tank top burning in the tub . It was something I had never seen before so I could not understand where it came from . But our tub was right next to a window which was open . So I assumed it must have been dropped by the tenants living above us . Although it was a very improbable case , that was better than the other alternative of having to So after dousing the fire , I went ahead to get ready for work . The day was a hectic one and I did not have time to even have lunch , so when the day was over , I was surprised to see my colleague not at her desk . We were supposed to pretend to go on a date and go back home late together . She would have informed me if she was going to bail out . I asked around and found that she had not come to work at all . Although it was a bit surprising , I thought maybe she was not well and pushed it out of my mind . A while later , the alarm in our office went off and we were all asked to assemble in the common area . I went there and found police waiting for us . The police were talking about a murder that happened earlier today . A woman was found murdered and chopped to pieces in her apartment . No murder weapon was found and if it very short time . Your character 's new husband / wife moves to your character 's country and begins to take language classes there . The better the spouse is able to communicate , the more your character realizes that s / he isn 't the person your character had believed . . . could not believe it . . . nor could he bear it any longer . Anya was nothing he thought she would be . Nothing between them were similar . The fights , which were not so much before , started going on too frequently now . He regretted the impulse for marrying her . he thought it was because they could not understand each others ' languages . They had met in Israel when John had gone there for an assignment . Anya did not speak English but John could manage a bit of Arabic . They communicated broken initially , but they fell in love . The love was so strong that they married and she came back with him . After coming here , she started learning English . It was almost 2 years into their marriage now . Anya could communicate properly in English , but that he considered a divorce . Now she has obtained citizenship by marriage , she can have a separate life . He was even ready to support her till she could stand on her feet in whatever it is that she wanted to do . sat still for some time . She did not speak , neither did she give any reaction . Then she excused herself saying she need to freshen up before they continue the talk . John sat there waiting for her to come back . He was sure this was the only right thing to do . came back and said , " OK , if that is what you think , then so be it . I cannot disagree to it . Yes , we are fighting a lot now than before and if you are not happy in this relationship , then there is no point being together . But let me ask you something . Are you sure you will be able to I will manage . If not , I do not mind being alone . In fact I think that would be better for me . I have given all my love to you . I do not want you to be replaced . " but I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life . And since this is a new country for me , I do not know the ways of life here . So , if divorce is what you want , I shall give it to you on one condition . You should help me find someone . You know me well for this long . And since you think I would be better without you , then you must also have some idea as to who I would be better with . You can use that to help me find someone . Once we figure that out , I will sign whichever papers you want me to sign . " for someone who is his opposite so he would be right for Anya . He set her up with many a dates but Anya did not agree to even going out with any of them . After speaking to them once , she would reject . " There is no finally he introduced Alan to her . Alan was John 's colleague 's distant relative . And right on the day one , Anya and Alan seemed to hit off . After their lunch date , they started having a lot of phone chats , sometimes even late at night . John was feeling a bit uncomfortable , but he put it up to his nerves and did not do anything about it . his peace . John could not react to that news . He said OK to her and left the house . He could hear her going back on phone with Alan . He went was feeling terribly depressed about the whole idea . Anya was happy . She had found someone . He had found someone for her . He should be feeling bad now . After all , wasn 't he the one who suggested it ? But he was feeling terrible . He could not bring himself up to getting divorced from her . these days , they had found a friendship between themselves . Their arguments were still there , but it did not bother him as much as it did earlier . Now , he realized he loved her far too much to let her go . No matter how much they fought , he did not want her to go away . But now she had Alan , and it was his fault . What was he going to do now ? He had lost her . She was happy now and he did not have any right to destroy that happiness . decided to bring up the divorce papers for her happiness . In a few days , he brought the divorce papers to her . He thought Alan would be with her when she was signing , but was surprised to find only Anya waiting for him . She gave her a sad smile and sat down to sign the papers . After signing , she looked up to him with sadness in her eyes . " So John , this is what you had been wanting for a long time . And it is finally happening . I hope you be happy ahead of this . " before I leave , there is something I have to tell you . Over the past few days , I have fallen in love with you all over again . Even the arguments does not bother me now , as it did earlier . Since the time you asked to get the divorce papers , it is killing me that we are getting separated . But it was my idea that all this happened . Now you have Alan and I do not have any right to say all these things to you . I just want you to know that I am here for you as a friend for the rest of my life . And I shall always love you . " much of a fool you have been , John ? There is nothing more that I want from my life than to be with you for the rest of my life . Even when all this was happening , I could not bear the thought of being away from you . But I thought that is what you wanted and that is why I agreed for it . There is nothing going on between me and Alan . Alan is gay . He had told that to me the first time we spoke . His family does not know of it and he requested that it be kept a secret till he is ready to come out . In Alan , I found a friend to talk . And I thought if I have a friend , I can go through my life without troubling you much in future . And had you not this time both of them were crying . They hugged and kissed and just forgot about the divorce papers . They had overcome the wrong impulse to go separate ways . It was time to celebrate love now . John was happy . His wish was getting fulfilled . He was packing from his dorm room and relocating to Saint Street . It was high time he did that . The room rent was getting too much on his pocket and he wanted some cheap accommodation . It felt like his cry was being answered when someone put a flyer under his door saying someone in Saint Street was renting out rooms at very cheap rates . " I just want company . I am not doing it for money " , the flyer had said , although the said rates were not that low to validate those words . It did strike to him as odd but then who was he to look a gift horse in the people here and there , but that was all . However , it was perfect for him since most of his work used to be from home . So that would mean no disturbance while working . The atmosphere suited him perfectly . It took him a while to locate the house he was renting . It was almost at the end of the neighborhood . But the house had a homely feel to it . It was small and looked cozy enough . The garden was small enough to let it be unattended for long but nice enough to give a lovely feel to the house . The door was opened by a very old man . But he was smartly dressed in suit , although he looked very close to 90 . The man had a warm smile and John felt immediately comfortable . The times that went by since then were the most pleasurable for John . Mr . Smith was a very warm guy with tremendous worldly knowledge . He had a huge library in his house filled with books of all categories . He used to cook out - of - the - world dishes which John had never tasted before . Although he was used to waking up very early , he used to let John take his time sleeping . Unlike the typical older guys , Mr . Smith never used to crib or give useless advices . Mr . Smith said he had learnt all these dishes from all his travel abroad . John got along with him wonderfully . Mr . Smith was in the kitchen working on yet another culinary experiment . A knock came on the door . Thinking that Mr . Smith would be busy and might not hear the knock , John went to open the door . A tired and weary looking salesman was standing by the door . He looked completely exhausted . " Please Sir , I am a bit lost . I was supposed to reach the city through this route and it seems I might have taken some wrong turn . I have tried every single door to ask for directions , but it seems none of these houses are occupied . I desperately require a glass of water and also the direction to get to the city . " John felt bad for him . By this time , Mr . Smith had also come to the door and was standing next to John , looking at the salesman . " I am very sorry , Mister , I have no idea how to get to the city . Even I am new to this place and since I work from home , I do not travel much . But maybe Mr . Smith here can help you with it , can you Mr . Smith ? " When John looked at Mr . Smith , he was surprised to see that Mr . Smith was looking at him in a weird way . He was not at all speaking . Curiously , he turned to apologize to the salesman when he found the salesman too , looking at him like he has gone Prompt - This year , your character resolves to get organized . While she is sorting through papers in her house , she discovers an expensive insurance policy that her husband has taken out on her life . Why has he her New Year Resolution . So she decided to attack the attic first . She knew it would take hours so she had kept the entire day for the cleaning . John had gone to work and she did not have anything to do till it was time for him to be back . Dinner was normally together unless he has to work late , in which case he would call beforehand and tell her . Her cell was nearby and she started to get busy with her work . stubs , bus tickets etc . which she used to stock lovingly - everything was there in the attic . And then she came across that box . It felt to be it actually did hold only some papers . Only those papers were shocking to the point of being heavier than the world . It were Insurance papers in her name for $ 20 Million , taken by John some months back . Next to that box , on a different shelf , was a disposable cell phone . It was switched off . When she tried to turn it on , it showed no battery life . So she took it to her room to charge and then check it . her . She was sure that is what was happening . He had an affair and wanted her out - of - the - way . He knew she would never allow a divorce to happen so he could marry someone else . She had always made it clear that she will never sign divorce papers , because they had a divorce clause which did not leave her with anything . Since she was not working , she was completely dependent on John and that made her a liability . That is why the Insurance was taken - she was sure of it . But when the phone switched on , there was nothing in it . No phone calls , no messages , nothing . She decided to keep a watch on John and the activity on the phone for some days just to be sure . When John came back , she casually mentioned that she cleaned up the attic earlier that day . She searched for any expression on his face but none came . However , after they had gone to bed , when he thought she was asleep , he had gone to the attic to For some days , there was no activity on the phone . She used to check it regularly . She had almost lost hope to find something when suddenly one day a message came while she was holding the phone . It read " The plan is in place . She will not see the light of day tomorrow " . She was shocked . This was definitely for her . John hired someone to kill her . And it was happening tonight . John had said earlier that day that he was on a tour and will not be back till the next day . He had the perfect alibi . She was sitting duck . Rebecca panicked , so much that she went blank . Nothing came to her mind on what to do . She could not involve the police as there was no proof . Neither could she involve any friends or relatives as no one would believe her . She was known to have a vivid imagination since childhood . She tried calling the number from which the text had come , but it was switched off . She was a goner now . Rebecca did the only thing she could think of doing . She decided to wait in the shadows outside and wait for the killer , and then call the police . That sounded better to her . So , when the night came , she hid in the hedges and waited . The wait was a long one . After a lot of time , when she was about to put everything to her vivid imagination , suddenly she saw some movement near the gate of her house . Someone was coming in . She could not see who it was , but they were carrying a package . Very easily they opened the front door and went inside . She was just contemplating calling the police when some more people started coming . Very soon she noticed John coming back home . He had lied about the tour and had come back to ensure she is dead . That could be the only reason . She felt dejected . And just as she was dialing to call the police , the phone rang in her hand . It was John calling . She could not pick up . What would she say ? She thought it better to go inside and face her husband . Let what was coming come her way . As soon as the light was on , a loud noise scared the life off her . " HAPPY BIRTHDAY ! ! ! " She looked around to see the house decorated and all her family and friends standing with a big smile on their face . John was next to her , giving her a kiss and a hug . Rebecca could not understand anything . John smiled at her . " The message was sent by me . I realized you found the phone . It was a dead phone I found in the " Lost and Found " unclaimed for more than a year . So I took it thinking someone would use it here , and forgot to tell you . And when you said you were cleaning the attic , you had a strange look on your face . It took me some time to figure out that you might have noticed the phone and must have spin up a tale in your head . So I thought why not play with it and give you a birthday surprise . I am sure in all this mess , you must have forgotten it was your birthday today . " Rebecca felt so loved at that time . She cursed her wild imagination for doubting her husband , and went It was a nice party . Everyone had fun till wee hours . After they left , Rebecca and John went to their room to sleep for some time . Just as they were about to sleep , Rebecca turned to Was that also a part of the joke ? Although I am not able to figure out how they come up in all this . " John paled . " What Insurance papers ? I do not know any such thing … " So saying , he turned and slept . Prompt - Every evening , when she goes to the parking garage of her office building , your character finds a new love note tucked under the windshield wipers of her car . These love notes are very beautiful and fill your character with powerful emotions . But they are all addressed to " Caroline " . Your character 's name is Melissa … The first time it happened , Melissa was sure it was some sort of a sick practical joke played by her colleagues . They always used to make fun of her . But this was taking it to a very different level , even for them . The note on her Windshield wiper said " You have a smile that would light up the world , if you let it . Please smile more , Caroline . " It did manage to bring a small smile on her face , but the note must be for someone else . She then discarded the thought as someone who must have made a mistake , but kept the note . It felt so precious , for some unknown reason . But the notes continued everyday . Every Some days it said " Your pink suit brought out the blue in your eyes today . You are beautiful , Caroline " . On other days , it were " The extra tip you gave the coffee guy shows the purity of your heart . May you be happy always , Caroline " or even " You are a very nice woman , Caroline . There is someone out there who would be very lucky to be with you " . Every day , it was there on the Windscreen wiper , written for her , addressed to Caroline . All these notes brought a smile but also brought a conversation . She wanted to know who the writer was , and to tell them that they are writing to the wrong person … or if she was honest to herself , wanted them to know her name so they could address it directly to her . One day she decided to hide and wait for the mystery writer . It was a long and an impatient wait , all the while her mind playing all possible scenarios . But nothing could prepare her for the reality . An old man wobbled up to her Windscreen , kept another note and walked off . As soon as he was out of sight , she rushed to see the note , " You looked radiant today , Caroline . Keep smiling " . Her curiosity knew no bounds . She rushed to follow him . He stayed right opposite to where she parked every day . It was a well kept small house with slight neglect in the gardens but otherwise very homey and comfortable looking from outside . After contemplating for a while , she went to ring the bell . The old man opened man started laughing . " Yes , I know you are not Caroline . But since I did not know your name , I put up the one name I knew very well " . " What is the meaning of all this ? Can you please … " A photo at the mantle piece beach or had clothes like that . Also the picture appeared to be slightly old . She moved closer to the photo . On closer look , she could see some distinction from the person in the photo and her , but the difference were only very slight . If someone were to see her pic and this pic together , they would atleast say they were twins , if not pictures of the same person . The old man was laughing by then . " I am sure you still have no idea what is going on . That picture you are holding is of my late wife . You look very much like her . So much so that when I first saw you , I felt Caroline has come back to me . Soon I realized you are not my Caroline . But you have the same inhibitions as she used to have before she met me . She never considered herself good looking , never had any confidence in herself . People used to find her intimidating and she took that as a cue to never make friends . She was a very lonely lady , my Caroline . Then we met and her life changed . She started to see how beautiful she is , started having confidence in herself and therefore made more friends . She soon brought out her leadership skills . It did not take her much time to go from a regular employee to owning a business of her own . You are very much like her and not just in looks . If you look beyond your insecurities , you will go to great heights . With the walls you have built around yourself , you will not even make good friends , let alone finding someone . That is why I thought I will pass on some of the things he had taken for her was too much for her to bear . Tears started flowing from her eyes . She hugged the old man . It did not take long for the old man to become James Adams , an integral part of Melissa 's life . Every day , she used to go to him for a chat and used to end up learning so much more about life . And just like Caroline , Melissa too started paving her own path in life rather than going with the flow . Secret Admirers Prompt - This year , your character resolves to publish her novel . She sends it to an agent , who almost immediately finds a potential publisher . The problem ? The novel 's protagonist is recognizably based your character 's best friend , and the novel is based on the friend 's secret love affair . When the book comes out , everyone in their small town will know the friend 's secret . Is there a way for your character to publish the novel Rebecca was exhilarated . Her book had a potential publisher . Her Agent had sent her dates when the publisher will review the book and sign the contract . Nothing could be better than this . This was her New Year Resolution of 2015 and she could do it before the year ended . What could possibly go wrong in this wonderful turn of events ? Except , there was one slight problem . Melissa 's secret was at stake . Melissa was not aware that Rebecca had based the lead character in her book on her and that the character also shared Melissa 's secret . Now , they lived in Townside , a small town where everyone knew everyone and they all had lived there forever . So when the book would come out , everyone would know Melissa 's secret and … it would be nothing short of a disaster . She had trusted Rebecca with her secret . What would she do now ? Her beauty was unparalleled not just in their town but also in the neighboring towns . People looked up to her beauty and used it for comparisons . Rebecca was her best friend since childhood . They both knew Something had to be done . The book was set to release on Christmas . Rebecca had an idea . " Here goes nothing " , she had thought . She organized a book fair and fashion show on the occasion of her Book Release . Everyone in the town was invited . They all enjoyed participating in the Fashion Show and bought some books at the Book Fair . Then came the moment of the Book Release . Rebecca took the stage . Melissa was backstage arranging everything for the Book Release . and the fair hosted for you . While you were enjoying , I made some observations of my own . Those who had participated in the fashion show did not come to the book fair while those who spent quite a lot of time and money at the book fair did not participate in the fashion show . Now , Holmes Adventures . Everyone looked at each other confused by this image . No one could understand what Rebecca was trying to say with this picture . By this time , Rebecca had called Melissa from the backstage . On Melissa in the picture indulging in her own Secret Love Affair with Sherlock Holmes . " Melissa was looking shocked and turned to see the reaction of the crowd . The crowd were looking equally stunned , taking turns to look at Melissa and the girl in the picture , failing to relate the two of them . Rebecca continued , " What I wanted to say here with this picture is that even if you are beautiful , it should not stop you from increasing your knowledge . And those of you who are book nerds should not stop feeling beautiful . Right now , Melissa is very angry with me for outing her Secret to you all , but I am sure you will all understand the reason why I am putting it out to you . You should not let one thing dictate your life . Melissa is our very own Beauty Queen who everyone looks up to . But she does not stop that from affecting her love for reading . She dresses up for the world but at home , she just loves this cozy corner with her books . You should continue evolving beyond who people think you are and keep on creating new identities for yourself . " at Melissa with renewed hope . Seeing them , Melissa forgot her anger on Rebecca and felt proud on becoming a role model for everyone . Beauty took up a whole new meaning at Townside , all thanks to Rebecca 's book and Melissa 's Secret Love Affair . |
It all started innocently enough on July 14 when my cousin shared on Facebook her local animal shelter 's post about a Mastiff - mix dog named Matteo . She commented , " Three dogs in a small house would be too much for us … but give this guy a look or a share . Love the gentle giants ! " I see dozens and dozens of posts just like this one every single week on Facebook from all over the country , and this particular dog was located more than 500 miles away from me . Something in his eyes drew me completely in , though , so I took the next baby step . I commented . On the Monday after she posted Matteo , she went to the shelter to meet him , and I followed along with her in my first - ever FaceTime conversation . Matteo was enthusiastic but not unruly , highly interactive with his visitors , and quick to sit for a treat that he took oh - so - gently . He even gave my cousin a quick kiss , which confirmed his considerable charm . I was sold . She was sold . We both so wanted this to be a love match . On Tuesday , I made the decision to go meet Matteo and , with luck , bring him home with us , so my to - do list kicked into high gear . I had to figure out how to get there , how long it would take , how much it would cost , whether my homeowner 's insurance would allow me to have another dog , and so on . Did I have a collar and leash ? A bed ? A crate ? Enough food to feed him ? It was a 12 - hour drive to get to him , and I knew he would be adopted quickly so I could not wait . Fortunately , the shelter is closed on Wednesdays and no adoptions would take place , so I had a little time . There was a scramble trying to communicate with the shelter during their maddeningly limited telephone hours and open hours , but I was able to confirm before I left town that he was still available . So on Wednesday morning , I packed a bag , put the little dogs in the car , and off we went down the long , long road from here to there . I felt I was going on a blind date with every intention of coming home married . But I was ready , and I had the ring in my pocket in the form of Ruby 's old collar , fitted out with a shiny new tag for what I hoped would be my new big dog . Two days of driving across four states later , I pulled up to the shelter half an hour before it opened on Thursday afternoon and waited nervously , very nervously . Matteo is so big , and my dogs are so small . We had no information about how he interacted with small dogs . I can handle a big dog and I already knew I 'd love him , but the doggie meet - and - greet could go wrong in any number of ways , and that 's what was going to make or break this match . We all had to love one another or it wasn 't going to work . The shelter is run by the city , and it is a busy , crowded , noisy place full of dogs and people in constant motion . I had a long wait and some paperwork to fill out before a volunteer finally brought Matteo out and put us together in a small yard . Just as he had with my cousin , he sat nicely for a treat and took it gently and allowed me to pet him without a single hesitation . He was frantic to be out of the kennel and out of the yard , so much so that I could not hold his attention without a treat in my hand . The shelter had named him Matteo at intake so the word meant nothing to him . There was no calling him to me or really , any interacting with him to be done at all except giving treats . I felt a chill . Getting him together with my dogs seemed to be almost more than the shelter could accommodate . They insisted on having two handlers , one for Matteo and one for the littles , to ensure that no negative interactions occurred and that my dogs would feel no need to protect me from a strange dog . The female volunteer who took Matteo radiated anxiety about the meeting - her face seemed locked in a grimace of dread the entire time . The male volunteer who took my dogs , on the other hand , could not have been more blasé about the whole thing . He continually reassured me that all was just fine , while the female handler balked at each new iteration of interaction between the dogs . They progressed smoothly from walking past each other on leash to circling and sniffing each other on leash to moving around the yard together freely off leash to walking with me all together on leash . " That 's it , that 's as good as it 's gonna get for a first meeting , " the male handler said . " I think they 're good . " My concern at that point was that Matteo seemed to want to interact only with the female handler and not with me or my dogs . There were no play bows , no nose - sniffs , no false charges or chasing around between the dogs , and Matteo never once initiated interaction with me . The three dogs essentially moved to separate areas of the large yard and ignored one another . I asked the female handler to leave the yard to let me see how Matteo would be with just us . With one last grimace , she walked out and closed the gate behind her . I turned to see Matteo running back and forth along the fence anxiously looking for her , and he would not return to us for the remainder of the visit . Looking back , that 's the moment I realized Matteo was not going home with us , although it took me the whole rest of the evening to clarify that in my mind because I had invested so much time and treasure and emotion in getting there and meeting him and wanting this to work . But the fact was , no matter how I felt about him , he obviously felt no sense of connection whatsoever to me or to my dogs . He was not interested in joining our pack . I learned how big my heart is , and how much strength I have to do a very big , very scary thing for the right reasons . I also learned that my cousin and I make a formidable team and that I can count on her support 100 % . I could not have done the thing without her . What I was thinking is , it 's been 9 years since I had a big dog that I felt could protect me and allow us to go places that I don 't feel safe going alone or with the little dogs . I was thinking , that absolutely beautiful boy got a raw deal by being dumped at that shelter , and I had the power to punch his ticket out to the sweet life . I was thinking , I can 't save them all , but I could save this one . I was thinking , I wanted to make a difference . And I almost did . If he had loved us back , even just a little bit , just for a moment , in that shelter yard , he 'd be here with us now - probably snoring on the couch with the littles rolled up on either side to share body heat . Posted on October 18 , 2015 by Lisa Shaw 1 Back in 1998 , country singer Collin Raye released a song called " Corner of the Heart , " which you can watch here . It has a good solid core idea , although the lyrics overall are weak , I think . Nevertheless , the chorus points to the fact that in most relationships there comes a time when one must choose to turn the corner - to recommit at an ever - deeper level to the other person , or to walk away . From the day I got my girl dog , Reggie , she was , to put it mildly , a problem . She peed and pooped in the house , she ate her own and Rudy 's poo , she was an incorrigible mule on the leash , she tore up my stuff , and she chewed up and ate things that blocked her bowels . For the first two years of her life , I was in a nearly constant state of rage , frustration , and anxiety . I actually talked to my doctor at one point about getting some pharmaceutical help to deal with it ( although ultimately decided not to go that route ) . I admit , I did not love Reggie much for most of those first two years . Everyone who knows me got to hear all about my problem dog , and how miserable she made me , and how she was ruining my sleep and my carpets and my peace of mind , and how much I wished I could rehome her but how I just couldn 't because I 'd feel too guilty letting her go to anyone else . There is no end to the variety of bad homes and bad owners for dogs , and neither I nor my home is perfect but we 're better than most . Besides , she could be so cute , and so charming , from time to time . I fell in love with her the first day I met her and was so excited to bring her home . But when she peed in the middle of my bed within minutes of arriving , I couldn 't help but think I 'd made a terrible mistake . When Reggie was about 18 months old , she developed a series of what appeared to be urinary tract infections . This led to the complete loss of her house training and pee everywhere - on the couch , on the bed , in the car , and on the carpets in every room of my house . It was a pee - a - palooza . It took several months and hundreds of dollars ' worth of tests to determine what was actually wrong with her , which turned out to be a congenital defect called a hepatic portosystemic shunt . She has an extra blood vessel on her liver that was shunting blood around her liver rather than through her liver to be filtered . Although she was very fortunate not to have suffered any long - term damage from her inadequately filtered blood those first two years , her life would have been significantly shortened if the shunt were not fixed . The largest struggle was with bacterial overgrowth in her gut , which gave her diarrhea . I had to keep her in a crate during the day when I was at work to keep her quiet , and it was bare empty because she would eat any fabric I put in there with her . She would poop all over her crate , then eat it , then poop it again . Every day . This pushed me to my lowest point of anger and disgust with her horrible habits . Fortunately - by grace , evidently , because I can 't say it was by my conscious choice - this is when I turned the corner in my heart with Reggie . I finally realized that she was not " misbehaving " just to spite me and that her behavior was nothing she could choose to control . I stopped seeing her as a vexing burden I shouldered out of guilt , but rather as a small creature in my care who needed my help . In short , I stopped allowing her to make me suffer because I stopped seeing her behavior as any reflection whatsoever on me . From that point forward , I willingly made arrangements to get Reggie out of the crate when she needed to go , even when I was at work , to break her coprophagia cycle and to help her heal . I administered her medications punctiliously , I kept her clean and dry , and I cuddled her close when she seemed to be feeling bad . I stopped seeing her accidents as affronts to me and damage to my home and started seeing them simply as a symptom that she was struggling . I did all I could to help her get better , but at the same time I accepted her for exactly the dog that she was instead of always pushing her to be the dog I wanted her to be and punishing her for not being that dog . Posted on August 12 , 2015 by Lisa Shaw 6 When I was a young newspaper reporter who needed to fill some time in between covering car crashes and jury trials , my editor would send me around to local businesses to do profiles on their products . One of those businesses was Kokatat , a manufacturer of paddle sports apparel and gear in Arcata , California . I toured the factory and spoke with the owner , who told me that Kokatat is a Yurok Indian word that means " into the water . " I don 't remember anything else I learned that day , but I 've never forgotten that . The word is on my mind tonight as I remember a day in 2007 when my mother and I took her Golden Retriever puppy Sunny to the river for the first time . We were staying at a small resort on the McKenzie River soon after Labor Day , and had the whole place pretty much to ourselves . My big dog , Ruby , had passed a few weeks prior and I was in mourning . Spending time with a boisterous 6 - month - old puppy was bittersweet - so much life ahead of her , but she was not my dog . The second morning of our stay , I let my mother sleep in while I slipped out of the cabin and down to the beach with Sunny . It was deserted at that early hour , except for a flock of four or five ducks that were poking around at the waterline . Sunny had been down to the river the day before and had shown no interest in going in the water , so I let her off the leash . She nosed around and false - charged the ducks a few times , while they just ignored her advances . But when she wouldn 't leave them alone , they decided as a group to set sail downriver . Seeing them all swimming away from her before she 'd had time to really even get to know them was too much for Sunny . She didn 't hesitate before splashing into the water after them . They kept going . And she kept going after them . And before I knew it , she was out in the middle of the McKenzie and heading downstream fast . She was just a puppy who had never even been in the water before . My mother was too far away to hear me when I yelled , and yelled , and yelled for Sunny to come back . Nobody was anywhere on the grounds of our resort . There was a fence that ran all the way down to the waterline at the edge of the property , which Sunny had just sailed past . I clambered over that fence and I ran as hard as I could to keep pace with her as she shot downstream . I shouted and whistled and begged her to come back until I was hoarse , unable to bear the thought of losing another dog so soon , let alone this dog . I don 't know how far I ran before she finally swam to the shore and plunged into my arms , but she made her way out of the water that day . I walked her back to our cabin and came in to find my mother just waking up . She 'd had no idea what had just happened . Our relief was gigantic . That night , as we were talking of this and other things , I started to cry . Mom asked me why , and it took me a minute to sort it out . Finally I told her , " Ruby would never have done that . " I missed my dog that ran to the sound of my voice . Sunny was not my dog and she never did that ; I marvel still that she came back to me at all . But she did come to me the one time when it counted the most , and for that I will always be grateful . My parents ' love for their dog is a mighty force , and they deserved to have her for the full measure of her life . When we were at the cabin , Sunny would start each day by running into my bedroom and vaulting onto my bed . She would plant herself flat on top of me and enthusiastically lick my face to wake me up and I have to tell you : I have never experienced a better wake - up call before or since . I told my friends when I returned from the visit that the title of Best Dog In the World and the little tiara that goes with it had officially been passed from Ruby to Sunny . Some time this summer , when nobody was looking , Sunny stepped to the edge of another river that she had no choice but to enter . A tumor in her spleen that had spread into her lungs was stealing her breath . She slipped silently into the water where the current took her , and she could not make it back to shore this time . My parents said goodbye to her this morning and sent her on her way to the Rainbow Bridge we all hope and dream awaits our pets and , someday , us . Posted on June 22 , 2015 by Lisa Shaw Reply I took the Von Schnauzer Krauts to the vet this morning for some blood work and exams ahead of their biannual teeth cleaning later this week . Rudy just needed a distemper booster and a blood draw , but because it has been more than 90 days since he last saw the vet , he had to get an exam from the doctor as well per hospital policy . I mentioned that both Rudy 's eyes have been weepy and crusty this spring , and further examination revealed a condition that , since we caught it early , can be treated before it progresses to the point of damaging his corneas and potentially causing him pain and discomfort for the rest of his life . I paid a $ 39 exam fee for that information , in addition to the tests and medications . Worth it ? I certainly thought so . While I was waiting for the staff to retrieve Reggie from her all - day annual liver function tests , I observed a couple who had two enormous German Shepherds in hand argue with the receptionist about that 90 - day exam policy because all their dogs needed was a Bordetella booster . " That 's absurd ! " the man ranted . " It 's just a damn revenue scam ! You guys space these shots just far enough apart so that you can make more money off us . " The receptionist excused herself to consult the doctor , and I made a point of catching the guy 's eye . " I have complained about that policy myself , " I told him , " but you know , the exam gives them a chance to maybe catch something early and … " He didn 't let me finish . " It 's a dog , " he said curtly . " I love my dogs , but if they find cancer or something , it 's a dog . " He jerked his dogs along with him as he moved to the other side of the lobby from me . I guess those shepherds are just so out of luck if they ever get sick . As for me , I am willing to do everything I can do to give my dogs the best quality of life possible while they are in my care . If that means instilling drops and ointment in Rudy 's eyes for the rest of his life , I 'll gladly do it . I hope I won 't have to , of course , for his sake , but for sure that 's what I will be doing for the next 10 days . He wouldn 't eat his breakfast out of his dish this morning , but he would eat it bite by bite from my hand , so I fed it to him that way because he is too skinny to be skipping any meals . If that were the only way he would ever eat , I 'd be scooping up wet kibble by hand twice a day every day . How could I not ? I am his guardian , his caretaker , his whole world . He is indeed a dog , but he 's my dog , and he deserves good care and a good life . That 's in my power to give him , and it 's my pleasure to do so . Of course , we go well beyond the minimum in our house . I 'd add , let your dog sleep beside you on your bed so you can rub his belly until he falls asleep and starts snoring like a bumblebee . Let him live in the house so he can be with you as much as possible . Arrange your furniture so that he can look out the front window and keep an eye on things in the ' hood . Make sure he 's warm enough in the winter and cool enough in the summer . Get his teeth cleaned as needed . Play the games he likes to play . Cuddle with him . Give him the last bite of every piece of toast . And tell him he 's a good dog , every single day . I track the seasons by how my house stays warm and cool , and how I stay warm and cool in it . Let 's begin with spring , which is heralded by Furnace Stays Off Overnight Day . As the days warm , there 's Attic Fan Kicks On Day , followed fairly soon after by A / C Kicks On Day . The passing summer is marked by Removing Wool Blankets from the Bed Day , Lisa Turns Off the Heating Pad at Her Feet Night , Attic Fan Kicks on Before Noon Day , and A / C Runs All Night , which usually occurs at the zenith of the Hot All the Time season . But before you know it , Furnace Kicks On Day rolls around , and that means Cold All the Time season is just around the corner . Eventually I have to put the wool blankets and heating pad back on the bed , usually around Doggie Daytime Warming Station Activation Day ( when I put a heating pad under a blanket on the couch to keep them from getting chilled ) . And so begins the long cold stretch when the furnace runs continuously , the heating pads are in place all day and all night , and the piles of blankets on the bed and a lot of snuggling together for body heat manage to keep us all from shivering ourselves senseless at night . On Monday afternoon , I saw a little black Chihuahua playing in the street I was driving down , a one - block connector between the two main roads going through my town . I stopped and got out to see if he would come to me . Instead , he laid down and rolled over for a belly rub . I put my emergency car leash on him , picked him up , and knocked on the door of the nearest house . The woman who answered the door said yes , she knew the dog . His name is Max , he lives next door , " he gets out all the time " and bothers her dogs , and the owners " are not very nice to him . " I suggested he might be happier in a new home , and she agreed . " Then you never saw me here , okay ? " I said . She smiled and nodded without another word . Even with this tacit permission , I was not willing to just outright steal the dog . I went over to Max 's house and knocked on the door , but nobody answered . Seeing that the house sat on an unfenced lot so close to the traffic , I felt I had no choice but to take him home with me for safekeeping , after stopping by my vet to have him scanned for a microchip that I knew he wouldn 't have ( he didn 't ) . They examined his teeth and testicles and said he appeared to be about 8 months old . I introduced him to my dogs out in the backyard and , despite his youthful exuberance and intense sexual interest in both of them , they all seemed to get along reasonably well . Within a matter of hours , I was completely attached to the little guy . I 've only ever loved three dogs in my life , but he could have been the fourth . For about 24 hours , in fact , he was . Even knowing that he has no ID , is not neutered long past the point when he needed to be , and lives in a ramshackle dump of a house with no yard in the care of people who don 't seem to have any interest in keeping him safe , I still couldn 't steal him even though I wanted to , badly . But I dutifully called the local shelter to report a found dog , and the receptionist told me someone had called about two minutes earlier to report a lost black Chihuahua . I promptly called the guy , who told me every single detail about this dog before I even asked , so I knew he was , in fact , the owner . He made a convincing case that he and his family loved Max and that he hadn 't slept a wink overnight for worry . After at least three minutes of non - stop talking about this dog , he finally paused and said in a ragged voice , " please tell me you have him . " " I do , " I said after a pause that was probably a beat too long , and told him how I 'd found Max in the street in front of his house and had picked him up to keep him safe . Feeling tears rise in spite of myself , I asked the guy if he would consider letting Max stay with me , since I have a fenced yard and other dogs he can play with and all . Absolutely not , he said ; he just loved Max , and so did his kids . He said he 'd bought the dog for his daughter " so they could grow up together . " I told him I 'd bring Max back to him later in the day , and he thanked me profusely . He even offered to give me a reward , but I asked him instead to promise me he would get Max chipped and fixed right away and take really good care of him , which of course he said he would do . When I took Max back , the owner was not at home . Instead , I was met at the door by an unkempt young woman who showed no interest in Max whatsoever and he showed none in her , either . I had to push him into the house and make her take the leash . When I said I was concerned that the yard was not fenced , she said , " yeah , I know but I don 't care . I 'm just the babysitter . " Her charge was an infant on her hip , still in diapers and not even walking - this was the child for whom Max was purchased . Looking at the indifferent babysitter , the dilapidated house , the wide - open yard , and Max straining toward me at the end of his leash and whining , I deeply regretted my decision to return him . He clearly was neither safe nor well cared for in that environment , and I expect he 'll meet his sorry end in the middle of one of those busy streets one of these days . I sometimes wish my scruples did not so strongly compel me to try to do the " right " thing . My backyard shares common fences with three other yards . One of them , which I 'll call North Neighbor , contains at least one and possibly more dogs ( I never see it / them because the fence is so high , but I hear it / them barking all day most days ) . Occasionally my dogs and the North dog ( s ) will get into a barking match at the fence , which can get pretty loud . While Max was with us and all the dogs were outside , I heard an uproar that sounded louder and much fiercer than what I usually hear from the North dogs . Again , I can 't see anything through the fences , but it sounded like there was a large and apparently aggressive dog in the yard on the other side , which I 'll call East Neighbor . Things calmed down quickly and I didn 't think much about it until later in the evening , when I took all three dogs for a walk and ran into East Neighbor out in front of his house . As we chatted , he mentioned that his son had just gotten a wolf hybrid dog , and my blood ran cold because I just don 't think that any good can come of crossing dogs with wolves and keeping the offspring as pets . He has three sons , two of whom live with him and one of whom is grown and gone , and he didn 't specify which one had the dog . I didn 't want to over - react and start peppering him with questions right then , but I got it in my head that a full - grown wolf dog was living right next door to me and that it had been the instigator of the kerfuffle at the fence earlier . I had visions of an enormous snarling beast coming right through that suddenly flimsy - looking fence and killing my dogs with a single snap . Okay , so maybe I did over - react a bit . The next day , I caught the neighbor outside again and asked all my questions , adding that it 's actually illegal to own a wolf hybrid in our state . I said I was really concerned about my dogs ' safety , which he completely dismissed with , " but it 's just a puppy ! " Yeah , but puppies grow into dogs , I said , and I don 't want any trouble for either of us because if the dog hurt another dog or a person , he would be liable for it . He would not take anything I said seriously , and I was appalled that a man my own age could not look just a little way down the road of life , imagine even a few possible scenarios that could be bad for him , and maybe consider taking precautions accordingly . As we were talking , a car pulled up in front of his house and a young couple got out . A small fuzzy black dog ran toward us and East Neighbor greeted it affectionately . She was all soft paws and puppy breath and cute as she could be , all 10 or 12 pounds of her . " This is the wolf dog , " he said , and I felt my ears turn pink . " THIS ? ! This is the one ? " He smirked knowingly and said , " told ya she was just a puppy . " And in fact , she did not appear to be any kind of a threat at all , let alone any kind of wolf . I felt foolish for a moment , but my point still stands : Any dog can bite . Any dog can be dangerous Any dog that runs loose can cause harm to people and other dogs , and is itself in danger . Which is why every dog should be kept under control , and " voice control " is never fail - safe . I asked East to keep the dog restrained in his front yard when she visits ( she won 't be living there ) , and to work with me to keep our shared fence in good repair , as much for my sake and that of my dogs as for his own . " You wouldn 't want anything bad to happen to her , " I reminded him , and told him that I am only concerned because I love dogs , all dogs . He kept trying to brush off my concerns right to the end of our conversation , but he said he would consider not letting the dog run loose ( I will believe that when I see it ) . He closed by thanking me for being a good neighbor , and I hope he meant that sincerely . I try to be . Last night I heard my dogs going absolutely nuts barking in the front room , and came out to see what was going on . I saw a guy across the street walking four large dogs together , which seemed to be almost too much for him to handle . On the other side of the street from him was a lady holding a small floofy dog , and I couldn 't tell by looking whether there was a confrontation among them or exactly what was going on . In a few minutes , the dog walker turned and went back the way he came , and I realized the lady was going door to door with the little dog , so I stepped outside to talk to her . She said she 'd found him loose on the next street over and that she couldn 't keep him because she lives with all those big dogs the guy was walking . I said I 'd take him in for the night , so we put him into my backyard and introduced him to my dogs with no problems . Posted on January 21 , 2015 by Lisa Shaw 2 We hold our dogs so close that parts of ourselves overflow and fall directly onto their furry heads . So when we look at our dogs we see our worst sorrows , our greatest joys and the deepest part of ourselves for which there is no name . The story of our dogs is the story of us . ~ Will Kearney , " On Losing a Dog " This quote is from a story about a man and his dog , a German Shorthaired Pointer named Dutch . The man is the author 's brother , James . I was moved by this account of love and loss , both for how it mirrors my own and how it doesn 't . Like Dutch , my big dog Ruby lived with me for the best 10 years of my life before I lost her to hemangiosarcoma in 2007 . I 've said many times , on this blog and elsewhere , that she was the best dog in the world , as is every well - loved dog . Raising her well , giving her a good life , and caring for her to the end are among the best things I have ever done , and I will always be grateful that she was my dog . Kearney says of his brother , " When Dutch died , so did the some of the best parts of James . But before Dutch died , he gave all of the best parts of himself to James . It 's a painful trade but it 's one James , I and you never regret . " On this point , we differ . Ruby changed me profoundly for the better as she , too , gave me all the best parts of herself . And the best parts of me that she drew forth are still vibrantly alive , buoying me up through tough times . She gave me all she had , and I honor her gifts every day . I share them with my little dogs now , as well as with my friends and family and the world in other ways . The little dogs , too , give me their best , and loving them keeps my heart open and warm and pliable even when it has every reason to shrivel up into a cold , bitter lump of nothing . Hey , I 've been single for a long damn time , and while that has its advantages , to be sure , it does not foster open - heartedness as a general rule . I know that I cannot survive without an open heart , so in this respect my dogs are my lifeline . People have always said that the greatest thing about dogs is that they love us unconditionally . I don 't think that 's true , actually , because I don 't know that animals actually feel what we call love . But I know that people do . And I think the greatest thing about dogs , and all pets , is that they allow us to love them unconditionally . The best human - animal bonds allow us to be who we were born to be : open - hearted , loving , understanding , trusting , patient , kind , and most of all , fully present . Most of us are too afraid to love other people that way , but we can love our animals that way because they place no barriers between themselves and our affections for them . Imagine how the world might change if everyone allowed themselves to love and be loved this way , sharing with one another " the deepest part of ourselves for which there is no name . " I 've had separate conversations recently with a very dear friend and with my mother , both lovely women , to the effect that their greatest contribution to the world is simply to show up and be themselves because that , in and of itself , is a gift that the world needs . My mother , in particular , feels on some days that because she has such limited mobility since her stroke that she doesn 't have much to offer the world anymore . But in fact , her mere presence is a tangible thing , strongly felt by family , friends and strangers alike - in exactly the same way that her Golden Retriever 's presence is felt by and influences everyone with whom the dog comes in contact . Sunny has no agenda in her interactions with the world ; she takes people just as she finds them and loves them all the same . All she has to offer in any interaction is only herself , and nearly everyone she meets finds that to be not only sufficient , but actually quite delightful . My mother , too , is finding that all she has to offer now is herself , and well into her seventh decade of life she is learning , I hope , that this is and has always been enough . Whether your pet of choice is a dog , a cat , a hamster , a rabbit , a horse , a python , or any other sentient creature , this is the simplest and yet the most profound lesson that our animals can teach us : Be present . Be yourself . Be . |
Diwali eve . Saw this lady , not - so - well - to - do , if you know what I mean . Her entire head was bandaged . I imagine she has a family . A son , or two , and a husband . Will they burn crackers , I wonder . A winter afternoon . A sun , blood red . No , it 's not exactly a setting sun . It was glaring bright enough . But it was red . And I stared into it till it became blue , due to some - god - knows - what phenomenon that always happens when you stare into the sun . After a while , I look at the sun again , but this time , not exactly at it . I see it 's reflection , doubled in size , on the glass panes of a huge building . I didn 't take it out . It was in my bag . The camera , I mean . A morning , that starts with a hangover . And a confusion about what happened last . Amidst all the confusion , there is one thing constant . I 'm looking for the cellphone . A night , that follows a wish - this - lasted - forever - evening . Happily drunk . Top - of - the - world . Or no , wait , the world stopped existing . Careless behavior , as a result . Someone said this to me and Sayak , today . " Why are you both walking like old men ? Slowly , pausing after every step , as if you 're contemplating every step ? " He walked out of the apartment . He was determined not to turn back . But , he knew , from habit , that she would come to the door , and call him back again . So , he closed the door behind him , and fumbled in his pocket for his keys . She would need to go back to get her keys , or maybe she won 't . She would know that he was gone . He heard her approaching footsteps , as he turned the key in the lock . He shoved the keys back into his pocket , and took a hasty step forward . Just one step . Her footsteps had silenced . He stopped . He was determined not to turn around . He couldn 't move . He was tempted to peep in through the key - hole . But , no , he won 't turn around . He stood there . He waited for the sound of her footsteps . Forward or backward , in any direction , would do . But there was no sound . The two of them stood few feet away from each other , separated by the teak - paneled door . No one moved . She was stunned . Shocked . " Get out " , she ordered , her voice trembling with anger . He hated her , but his body always obeyed her . He hated his body for that . His knees stretched , his feet gripped the floor , and one by one , they led him out of the room , across the corridor , to the door . He turned the door - knob and stepped out . He stood there , with his back facing the door wide open . She came , silently . She swung the door shut , with a loud thump . He spiraled back and thrust both his hands on the teak panels . He banged his head on the wood . He screwed shut his eyes , and tried to listen to her footsteps . Instead , he heard a scraping sound against the wood . The sound travelled downwards , as his cheek traced the sound . Then , the sound of her sobs . He didn 't want to say anything . He always hated talking . His nails scratched against the teak and he slumped down on the floor of the dirty hallway . He wasn 't the one who cared about cleanliness . It was early morning . He ran up the stairs . He never took the elevator when he was in a hurry . In spite of his self - claimed tech - dependence , he always trusted his limbs more than anything else . Panting , he reached the second floor . He never pressed the door - bell , either . He was about to call on her phone , from his cellphone , when he saw it . The door was already open . Wide open . He called out her name . He couldn 't explain the loud thumping in his heart , whether it was fear or the breathlessness from running . Trying to hold himself together , he staggered into the rooms , one by one . She was nowhere . A fresh sticky note lay on the refrigerator . He didn 't notice it , amongst all the paper stuck on it . He leaned his head the fridge , and heaved a heavy sigh . He called out her name again . She was nowhere . There was a sound . It was her ringtone . He found the phone ringing deep inside the bedcovers . It was her father calling . He answered the call . No , he didn 't know where she was . No , he had just come in . Yes , the door was open . Wide open . Yes , he would go to the police station . No , not right now . Okay , right now . Yes , he would call them up as soon as possible . Beep . His feet carried him towards the teak - paneled door . So , she was right . She was always right . One day , she would leave . And leave no trace behind . But , she was wrong . He wasn 't indifferent . He jerked himself up . He wore his slippers , stuffed the wallet into his pocket , and left the room . He left the cell - phone behind . He walked out . The Expendables Story : Predictable . ( Or am I growing old ? ) Dialogue : Very good . Mainly because it was a little different from the usual action - movie - types . Background Score : Usual , nothing noteworthy . Screenplay : Engaging . Camera - Work , Editing , Graphics etc : WOW . Cast : With guest appearances by Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger , imagine the budget . Stallone , pleasant as usual . Statham , different , good . Jet Li : Ok . Others , are they among the Expendables too ? He was sitting on the yellow colored bench , with his hard - mustered patience . His six year - old heart heaved heavily with excitement . He just wanted school to end . He just wanted to run out and meet his Papa , who had promised that he would bring their new car to school , for the first time , that afternoon . He didn 't want to listen to their new Irish Ma ' am anymore . He liked her a lot , but not today . Today , was very " important " . Their new car . It 's very important , his mind told him . He can 't waste time sitting here , with his giggling friends around him . He must be with his Papa today . " Ma ' am doesn 't know anything " , he thought . Ma ' am gave them ten words to write the opposites of . He wanted to do it fast , and be the first one to submit it today . He was not in the mood for scoldings . He had other " important " things to worry about . Their new car . He submitted the worksheet and went to pack his bag . He hurried with the books , and stuffed them inside his small red - and white bag . He couldn 't be bothered about them today . He patiently waited for the bell to ring . His best friend was talking to a girl . He was scared of girls . They had such long hair , he didn 't understand why . But , no , he had other things to think about today . Finally , the electric bell outside the class trembled with its own sound . It rang in him a pang of pleasure , and he sprang up , and started running towards the door . His bag hit others , but he didn 't bother ; he just ran . She held his arm tight and asked him to go back to his place . He felt a lamp inside him being extinguished , by force . He held his head low , and walked back , slowly . Ma ' am asked the rest of his friends to leave , in a line . Then , she came near him , and handed him his worksheet back . She said something in illegible words . Ma ' am took his ID card , and asked him to stay inside the classroom . He couldn 't go home . He wanted to know why Ma ' am was in a bad mood , but now , he didn 't have the time . How could he explain it to her ? He wanted to be with her tomorrow , but not today . Their new car . Papa was waiting . He wanted to ask Ma ' am if he could do it tomorrow , but she was outside the classroom , talking to another Ma ' am . Helpless , and feeling defeated , and swallowing tears ( he was a big man , he couldn 't cry ) , he sat down on the bench , pulled his bag away from the shoulders , and opened the zip . He took out his pencil box . He thought about their new car . Papa will be so angry . Not the type of fiction that is inspired from real life , you have to trust me blindly on that . It 's the type of fiction that has been formed in the mind ( not always mine ) , before I found how my AND other people around me might relate to it , if they wished . There 's always a big obstacle preventing us to do so . I have violated people 's privacy before . I don 't regret it or apologise for it . That was me . And this is me , albeit grown up . I don 't need to " vent out " on my blog . I have other means of ventilation . More secure and permanent than a webpage . He drove as fast as he could . He didn 't dare to take his right foot off the accelerator . The car was already in the highest gear , so his left foot was jobless . And it was shaking bad . He hoped the speed would calm him down . It didn 't , yet . He was scared , now . He couldn 't see beyond the windshield , because of the uncontrolled things that just flashed before his eyes , the uncontrolled voice kept deafening him . He couldn 't be on the road , he had to go home fast , he needed to sleep , it was the only medicine he had ever trusted . He jabbed his leg down on the accelerator . Still , nothing blurred enough . But then he saw her with him at the party , that he didn 't know she was invited to . He had taken his usual escort , and entered in his usual grandeur . And then , he had seen her . And his feet had disobeyed him , his hands had disobeyed his years of training . He freed himself from the girl 's grasp , and rushed out to the car . He opened the door and slowly , climbed out . He could see the river beneath the bridge . He stood there , imaging how cold the water must be . He tried thinking of the fishes . Fishes were known for their infidelity , he thought , and smirked . He tried to grasp it , was he so , or was he not . Was she so , or was she not ? His cell screeched out loud " You have an SMS ! " He woke up , on his bed , bathed in sweat . The nightmare was tiring . He could actually feel that he had been running . He lay still for sometime , and then , he reached out for his cell , to check if there was anything . Silly of me , he thought . There hasn 't been anything for a long time . He dragged himself out of the bed , and went to the wash - basin . He stared at the man there . The sweat beads on his forehead , running down the side of his face , a vein in the temple , throbbing visibly , and his Adam 's apple going up and down in restless jerks . He wanted to scream his lungs out and smash the mirror and tear his organs apart , one by one , with his own hands , with the sharpest piece of glass . Shut up , and stop it , he told himself . Don 't be dramatic . He splashed water on his face , and washed his mouth thoroughly . He didn 't like the smell of the toothpaste , it was too fresh . He looked at the food his maid had prepared , and then a churn in his stomach , drove all his appetite away . Hungry that he was , he hated the very sight of food . Forget it , and just go to work , he kept muttering under his breath . He didn 't change , he just wore his slippers , and grabbed the wallet and went outside . No cellphone , no keys . I have nothing to hold on to , nothing to let go . He didn 't need to plug in headphones , there was always a song in his mind , a song that would plague his sanity all day , every day . He walked slowly , pausing before every next step , and taking in the air , the colours and everything around him , as if , everything hurt . Every face he saw , hurt him even more . Every eye that looked at him , seemed to pierce him with the glance . Even the breeze was smirking at him , trying to fool him by running through his hair . It 's not her fingers , I know , he retorted back to the wind . He walked to the station , and bought a ticket . There was a steel stud in the coin pouch of his wallet . He touched with tenderness . It was the button of someone 's long - discarded pair of jeans . He felt the pang , and squinted , he didn 't want it there , but didn 't know how to get rid of it . He put the ticket inside his pocket and walked away . The trains were too painful . He bought a Coke , and a packet of cigarettes , and took a cab to his office . The song was still there on his mind , he needed to get rid of it . He asked the driver to turn on the radio , and borrowed his lighter . The song inside was deafening him . He shifted from the left window to the right window of the car ; there were too many people on the left pavement . Too many people , too many stories , he thought . He closed his eyes . He was running . The same road , the same city , the same route . They always met there . He was always late . He always ran to her . Only this time , he couldn 't find her . But he kept running , and running , throwing his bag away , not noticing that his wallet has fallen out of his pocket , he just kept running . He was out of breath , but not out of faith . The cab reached his office and stopped . He opened his eyes . He had to pay . He put his hand into his pocket , and searched . There was no wallet . Only a steel stud came out of his pocket . My mum , being a doctor herself , had this belief that she never do justice to us , when it comes to diagnosis or prescription . She used to say , and she still says it , well , that you can be a good doctor only if you treat the patient as a piece of flesh , that you feel no emotion towards . Yeah , I know filmy , very . But that 's it . She never treated me , or my brother or my grandmother , or my father . She always asked us to see some other doctor whenever we needed one . I was in class four , I think . One morning I woke up to find my right ear and the surrounding skin abnormally parched , and all red and white marks on it . I remember how awful it felt . I had no clue what and how it happened . I went to see a doctor in our neighboring hospital . They said it 's a spider bite . What ? Do spiders bite ? How ? No , they don 't bite , but they have their saliva , which is , well , not harmless . What do you mean ? Why would a spider have its saliva on my ear ? Umm , it was trying to weave its web , maybe , kid . Keep yourself clean . Wait , no , I mean , if a spider tries to weave a web on my skin , this is what happens ? This ugly patch of skin that hurts ? Unbelievable ! Huh , yes , kid . Just bathe every day , be clean . Now take these medicines , apply these ointments , blah blah . There was a Harry Potter mania going on , err , a Daniel Radcliffe mania . People who never read books , started ridiculing me for never having read a Harry Potter book . I was in Class Eight maybe . In and out of love , more than twice . Adolescent infatuations , I guess . I cared very little about what people thought . Adolescent indifference . Okay , I started reading and finished reading the Harry Potter books . Okay , they were good . Fantasy that made sense in the real world . good . But , uh , I dunno , but , uh , okay . This will be a legend . Why not read it anyway ? I was with my English tutor , watching a movie at his place , of course , against and hidden from my parents . My parents , uh , yes , my Mum and my Dida . I don 't know my Dad , really . The movie is Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets . The Forbidden Forest Scene . Ronald Weasley says he is scared of spiders , because they have eight legs . Only if they had a fewer legs . . . hmm . Interesting . Eight legs , that gives them more power that us , vertebrates , surely . Okay , I hate spiders too . But what is this ? This is a scene with spiders larger than the trees , with hairy legs , yes eight of them . What , there are such spiders in the real world ? In rain - forests ? What bullshit ? I have never seen spiders more than an inch big . Oye , kid the spider that had licked you wasn 't no ordinary one . It wasn 't an inch - big spider . It was as big as the size of your palm . An inch big spider can 't infect you , okay ? Read the books . I am in Class Ten . Our english teacher is having a free period , and using it to the fullest . Discussing career goals . Asked myself , I reply that I want to be a soldier . Oh boy , you 're romantic . Being a soldier isn 't being what your Byron tells you . Come back to earth . No , Ma ' am . I 've watched Lakshya . It 's not Byron . Okay kid , again , come back to earth . No , Ma ' am , I 'm determined . * They stop giggling . My eyes are stiff . I am angry . * Okay , do you know what it takes to be a soldier , do you want to join the Military or the Air Force or the Navy ? Ma ' am , it doesn 't matter , as long as I get what I want . I want my life NOT to be at my own mercy . Okay , it 's a pity , but then okay . Even Owen had been to a war . Exactly Ma ' am , even Owen had been to war . They say being to a war means seeing everything that is there to be seen in the world . Very well , very well , so have you been preparing yourself for the physical tests for NDA ? Not yet , Ma ' am . I 'll do it . Okay , do you have any idea , what you go through in the training ? There are highly demanding tasks , highly scary ones . Aren 't you scared of heights ? No , Ma ' am . Aren 't you scared of water ? Or anything ? Anything at all ? No Ma ' am , I 've learnt swimming . I 'm not scared of anything . Whoa , kid , you can 't be so sure . A man is always scared of something . There must be something you 're scared of . No , Ma ' am , I 'm not scared of anything . Ma ' am , I think there 's nothing to be scared of . As in , okay , maybe I 'm scared of myself . I 'm scared of what I might do , might think , might say . . . I 'm scared of my abilities or the lack of it . I 'm scared of myself . * * The class is murmuring . The teacher starts talking to another student . She frowns at me , and asks me to meet her after the class . Ugh , once again they 'll tell me , I 'm off - track . * * Class Twelve . On the brink of stepping into the big , bad world , as they said it in a the Farewell . It didn 't matter to me . I didn 't care where I was , or what I was doing , as long as I had her . Off to Kolkata . Living with Dad , the man , I don 't really know existed . Economics Major , by default . Okay , I had fought my way against engineering , but the truth that my Dad doesn 't know is that I don 't hate engineering or physics or maths . I just had to be in Kolkata . I couldn 't have gone where I was getting admitted by my WBJEE score . Kolkata . No matter what every one else said , I never felt that it was any different from Durgapur . Small - town - to - big - city , whatever , I never felt . I was born here , I belong here . Or so , I tell myself . Till date . My first year . The second part of the sumer , that follows the monsoon . One night , post midnight , of course , I need to go to the bathroom . I switch on the light , I open the door , and there in front of me , right above the chamber - pot , is a spider , as big as my palm , with a thick hairy body , and thick black , intimidating legs . Okay , I have to admit , to myself at least , that I am scared of spiders . But wait , what if the fear doesn 't exist ? I survived that night . More months gone by . I have worked on my phobia . I met that spider every night , in my bathroom , till winter . I wouldn 't kill it until I 've stopped fearing it . That is its purpose , I tell myself . I google and get huge pictures of huge spiders , a nd stare at it , and fight my fear . I fight my nightmares . Even in the conscious state , I imagine I am in a room full of spiders , with no doors or windows . I wriggle on the bed , I imagine , I fight . I imagine . I fight . More months . The spider at the bathroom is not seen anymore , for two years . Few weeks ago , on one such night , during the hours before sunrise , I go to the bathroom , I meet my beloved - palm - sized spider . It 's sitting right there , above the chamber pot . I am not too scared . Its like , my mind tells me that I should be scared of that spider , but actually , my mind isn 't right . I smile . I survive . Tonight . The spider in the bathroom , it 's right below the chamber pot . This time , I don 't just need to pee . I need to sit on that chamber pot . But no , the spider will not be in sight , if I sit . I am scared , of it , only because I wouldn 't be able to see it , its movements . I just have to shoo it away , and send it off to somewhere where I can get a view of it . I can look at it , I need to able to look at it . Then I see the bottle of Phenyle . It occurs to me , that the humane - most instinct would be to hit and hurt and kill the object that you fear . I splash some of that intoxicating - smelling - black liquid on it . The spider staggers a little , moves away , and I go to answer nature 's call . I look at it . I talk to it , softly . Dear Spider , I didn 't want to kill you . I watch you wriggling now , taking the last few breaths inside your quivering little frame . Long ago , I was afraid of you . Now I am not , or that 's what I think . I am just afraid of what I can 't see , I can 't predict . It 's not your fault . It 's the fault of the way this sanitary - ware is designed , that I couldn 't see you from where I am , and so I had to shoo you away . I could have let you stay there , like you 've always stayed , otherwise . But I needn 't have killed you , I know . I am lying , you 'll probably say , I 've always wanted to kill you someday . And I dunno , if you 're right . I just decided , for myself , that I don 't need you anymore . I didn 't look at things from your perspective , of course . But , then , you don 't have a nervous system , as superior as mine , so , I get the better of you . Now goodbye , I don 't want Shochi Mashi to think that I 'm mentally sick too . Shreeja wanted to show me some " bloody bloody quotes " . I didn 't want to , at first . I said something like " I dont like quotes . Actually . I think quotes are narrow - minded statements . I mean , how can I know if their perspective is right for me , if the statement holds for me , unless I know the story behind , you see ? " Then I realised something . No matter what the perspective , the only absolute thing , is universally absolute . She showed me a quote by Neil Gaiman , and I had to put it up here , because I haven 't been writing anything , for a long time , anyway . This wasn 't just a quote . This was an entire teenage love story told , it seemed . " Have you ever been in love ? Horrible isn 't it ? It makes you so vulnerable . It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up . You build up all these defenses , you build up a whole suit of armor , so that nothing can hurt you , then one stupid person , no different from any other stupid person , wanders into your stupid life . . . You give them a piece of you . They didn 't ask for it . They did something dumb one day , like kiss you or smile at you , and then your life isn 't your own anymore . Love takes hostages . It gets inside you . It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness , so simple a phrase like ' maybe we should be just friends ' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart . It hurts . Not just in the imagination . Not just in the mind . It 's a soul - hurt , a real gets - inside - you - and - rips - you - apart pain . I hate love . " My foster parents will be going to watch Inception sso . Inception , the movie that I had told them about . Christopher Nolan , my favorite director , at that . Imagine my frustration . That 's all the more a reason for me to be glad . A disease , with all the side - effects , social , and personal . I love it . That should be enough . I don 't want to crowd my mind with too many thoughts , lest each of them get less importance . I 'll not rush books . I 'll read them . Movies , I have a lot here , on my computer , on DVDs , I will start and finish watching Ingmar Bergman this month . Once again , I won 't burden my brain with three movies a day , like I used to do . Because I won 't be watching horror , action or comedy . I envy him . No matter what , he always refreshes me . I don 't care if he himself knows that , if he himself refreshes himself , by his very words . But he does to me . And if a poet , by the very words he writes ( or speaks ) , can re - direct the course of my life , back to where I 'm me , I don 't want anything else from her / him . This person is on the same pedestal as one 's favorite author is . For me . The kid who was disobedient , whose parents had to be called because he won 't listen to the basic rules of the school , like closing hands while praying , or NOT playing music on the desk , when the teacher is teaching . And then , when he lost , in his battle against rules , he observed silence , for days , not responding to anyone , or anything . He didn 't have any friends , seriously . Till , everything changed . I can 't attribute it to love . I 'd lose all that I 've built for myself , if I surrendered to love . I spent a sleepless night . It was strange . I was with two other people , both of whom were fast asleep . I was not too sleep - fed . Yet , I wasn 't sleepy . I was tired . Too tired to sleep , maybe . After spending a couple of hours , wide awake , the story had come . Then , things happened , we all woke up . More things happened . And all the words and sentences that had formed in my mind , in the waking hours of dawn , were lost . And just so as to mock me , I just read this blog 's first post today . About wasting the words away . Never mind , though . Yesterday , I spent a good amount of time , contemplating on the picture of Narcissus on Paulo Coelho 's blog . I sat on the king - sized couch , and just wondered , what it actually meant . The explanation provided by His Honour , didn 't seem satisfying . I am involving myself into two complicated , contradictory - to - each - other emotions , all over again , only to see which one wins . This is not the first time . The last time I did it , love had won . One of my " special " ex - classmates made this post today , analysing the hormonal dynamics of love . I was so happy , reading the stuff that I already knew , the stuff I always knew . I was happy , hoping that he would only prove my point . Love doesn 't exist . Alas , he let me down ! He couldn 't explain , why the illusion of love exists , even if the emotion of love doesn 't . My battle against love . It has torn me apart , already . But then , I am not torn apart , enough , yet . Few months ago , when Kolkata was experiencing the scorching most summer afternoon , I was bankrupt . I had to ply on a bicycle . I had taken up the careless challenge of travelling on cycle that fateful afternoon . Fateful , because other unpleasant things had happened . but they 're immaterial , as usual . They don 't last . I 'm talking about what lasts . I remember the last fifteen minutes , the other - wise unimportant stretch from Jadavpur , to Patuli . I thought I would faint . I thought that all my visceral organs have dried up , and even my salivary gland can 't secrete saliva enough to keep me going . My eyes were closed , fatigue or delirium , or whatever . Every turn of the pedal hurt . With every turn , I thought , I would fall dead . With every turn , I thought , this was the last bit of energy left in me , I can 't go on any further . With every turn , I thought , this was my limit . I can 't go on any more . If my legs tried to turn the pedal , once more , I would drop dead . And miraculously , for me , I reached my destination . I realized , on reaching , that I wasn 't even too late . I got some water on my face , into my throat , and gradually , I regained all my energy back , while sitting under the fan . Even if I think I can 't do it , I can do it . Even if I think I can 't take it anymore , I can take even more . Even if I think , this is my limit , it 's not my limit . Even if I think , I won 't get it , I always get it . I always get what I want . My battle against love , will take me to my limits . I 'll survive , I 'll come back , and know what kept me going . What if , it 's love that kept me going ? I 'd still win . It 's Paulo Coelho versus Ayn Rand . Both believed in love , mind you . But , it 's the definitions , we have always talked about . There are times , when , every song has some word , or some line , or some stanza that makes sense , to me , in that state of mind , and some how , the song becomes , well , endearing . Well , that 's what happens most of the times . That is , precisely , the reason , I can never specify a particular song , or a particular genre of music , as my " favorite " . There are " song - of - the - day " s , when one particular song stays on your mind like a parasite , right away , all day . But that has nothing to do with its being your favorite . Strangely , or otherwise , I remember the first time this happened to me . In class 7 . I was a nerd back then . I had watched the movie Gadar ( Sunny Deol , Amisha Patel ) on the eve of the Independence Day . I had watched less than ten movies , in all my life , till then , so , as you can guess , I 'd been " affected " by the movie , a lot . The next day , though it was Gadar which had me in a trance , I was singing a sad song from the movie Dil Chahta Hai ( Kaisi Hai Yeh Rut ) , in my mind since the morning . I remember realising that late in the day . That was the first time , I woke up with a song on my mind , reason - less - ly . Now , I have grown old . Music , has lost its magic on me . I treat all songs as pieces of creation , and have no personal feelings for any particular song , unless , it does for someone else . Some friend , or some one entirely else . Yet , sometimes , some songs penetrate this self - set - up barrier of age , and apparently , enters my blood . And makes it flow in its own rhythm . And flushes everything away . Everything else , that is . All dreams , decisions , desires , except one . One feeling fills up every other sense - organ . She stormed out of the room . She was fuming with anger . He had no right to behave so rudely with her . Her mind searched for the justifications , hoping to find one excuse to forgive him . And then , she realized that searching for justifications wasn 't being she . That was him . That was him , she repeated to herself . She never tried to justify everything around her . That was him . She never tried to justify every wrong as right , from someone else 's point of view . That was him . She never tried to find something good in the ugliest of things . That was him . Her anger only came back in a bigger surge . He could not treat her like this . Why did he ? It wasn 't justified . She threw the things back at him . She noticed that he lay crawled up in a corner of the bed , almost shaking . She chose not to consider it . His anger was his disease . He had no right to let it affect her . A flashback came to her mind . He had thrown a bottle of deodorant at the wall , and the bottle had got dented . He sat on the side of the bed , shaking uncontrollably . She walked up to him , and stood in front of him . He looked up at her eyes , with innocent guilt in his torturous eyes . She brought her face close to him , and , gave a tiny pinch on his nose . " You look more attractive when you 're angry " , she said , and kissed him on his nose . He flung his arms around her and held her tightly . He cried . She kissed him . He had calmed down like magic , within minutes . He had apologized , repeatedly . Once again , she chose not to consider it . She can 't let her mind find anything in his favor , not anymore . He can 't expect her to have anything left for her at all , after such rough abusing . She looked back at the shaking body on the bed , just once , before turning back , and storming out . She went outdoors . A pub was open down the street . She walked in , hoping to get a beer , even at this late hour . She hoped the beer would help her to feel sleepy enough , to pass the night off , somehow . This was the first time . She had never come here without him . She went to the bar and ordered her drink . The bartender knew her face , and gave a questioning look at her strange state of " not being accompanied by him " . Worse , she was not smiling and laughing , like every other day . She broke into a hysterical laugh , in response to his look . He was taken aback , and sat opposite her , as he served the mug of beer . " Where is he ? " She went out with the mug in her hand . She imagined herself looking like a lunatic lady on the road at night . The man at the bar came out no sooner , and joined her . He put his coat around her , just like she was used to , only , by someone else . " I can 't take it anymore . He throws tantrums every week , over little things . I 've given up on him . I can 't be his doctor . I am his wife . I can 't take it anymore . " She broke into hysterical laughs - with - tears . He put his arms around her . She continued . " I 've always tried to understand him . But , he has crossed his limits . I can 't be immune to injuries forever . I have broken down . He has broken me . I can 't be with him , if he continues to be this way forever . " The very words seemed to hit her like lightning . She had never given any one the right to tell her what to do . Anyone , but him , the one back there in her bedroom . Who was this man ? Flabbergasted , she stopped and looked up at the man 's face . Yes , she knew this face . She has seen him almost every day , she realized . Yet , she felt , as if , she was seeing him for the first time , tonight . She peered deep into his eyes . Wait , she thought , she had never looked at this man , right at the eyes , ever before . The man turned to look at her in full length . He looked at her with intensity in his eyes ; he tried to transfer some meaning it seemed , through the very eye contact in that moment . He took her face in his hands , and pulled it closer . She didn 't resist . He kissed her on the mouth . She stood there stiff . He tugged at her hand ; her eyes still stared at the man . He pulled her lightly ; she didn 't resist . She was led to his car , like some animal obediently follows its master . She gradually came back to senses , and tried to find sense in what was happening . The engine of the car started . She found herself sitting beside the man . Her mind was racing . The insults thrown at her some time back , came back to her . She remembered worse incidents ; a glass being broken , a bottle of her nail - polish being thrown out of the window , a door handle being broken out , and more and more violence . She looked at the man beside her once again , as the car raced through the empty streets . This time , she smiled at him . He touched her hand and pressed it gently . He returned her smile . He wore a faded blue leans , which was torn at the knee . One wouldn 't say he couldn 't carry it . But , somehow , he didn 't seem the type who wore torn jeans for the hype of it . Nor would anyone say that the pair of torn jeans didn 't suit him . But somehow , he didn 't have the rugged look that complements a pair of torn jeans , apparently . Nor would anyone say that he looked like a country - side cowboy . He was a dark boy , averagely built , with a starved look on the otherwise handsome face . Something was missing . One could almost feel that , but could never reach out to whatever it was . He stood on the platform , leaning on one of the pillars . Unlike most of the passengers , who crowded around the television , he just stared into space . He stared deep into the tunnel from which the train was expected to slither out any time . Nor did he join the people who came sweating and panting , from the sweltering heat outside , and fought for the few fans on the platform . He was sweating profusely . But he seemed to be completely in peace with the increasing beads of sweat on his upper lip . He seemed to be in agreement with the beads - turning - into - runnels of salty water that ran down from his forehead , down his face , into his neck . His shirt was soaked wet . But looking at him , no one would feel that he was in distress . It was as if , he had his own source of cooling agent , somewhere around him , which no one could see , nor share . He didn 't show the slightest of care . People were tired . The most of them , who didn 't manage to get the seats , or the fan , tried to blow dust away , in patches from the floor , and sit there . He didn 't even seem tired . But , despite being or doing what no one else around him was , he didn 't attract attention . He didn 't stand out . He seemed to be a part of his surroundings , more than any of the daily train passengers around . A siren rang , shrill and long . There was an announcement . Someone had jumped into the tracks , a few stations away , and committed suicide . All trains would be cancelled on that line , for the next half an hour . Within moments , the noise of people murmuring rose above the loudspeaker 's blare . Some people were worried about the near and dear ones of the life lost . Some people were worried about their own travel plans . They blamed and cursed the person who had decided to die , and thus brought upon everyone , this misfortune . Some still squatted on the floor , or sat spread - legged on the wrought - iron seats . To wait for half an hour , or more , was not a big deal , for them . He still stood in the same posture , with the same expression on his face . Without moving an inch , he took out a cell phone from his shirt pocket . He pressed a few keys , and put the phone to his ears . After less than a minute , he put the phone back . But , this time , not into the chest pocket of his shirt . He put it into the pocket of his jeans . The phone dropped deep into the linen pit . |
Introduction : Some say this story defies classification . It is simultaneously a story of hope and dispair . Some find it disturbing and say it is thought provoking . You be the judge . ANNABELL I thought mom 's problems started on that Christmas morning when Dad got me a gift that totally changed my life . The fact is that mom 's problems started long before that , but at that time I didn 't know and didn 't care ' cause I was too wrapped up in the wonderful gift my father gave me . It was a doll and everyone said it looked just like me . It has long red hair , green eyes and a face full of freckles just like me . It even came with a Kelly green dress with white ruffles just like the one I had in my closet . I just loved that doll but when I showed it to mom , she got this strange look on her face . " Look mom , " I said with an almost uncontrollable state of excitement . " Look what Daddy got me for Christmas . How did he know mom ? How did he know this is what I 've always wanted ? " mom didn 't answer . She just looked at me with this strange expression and then she stared at Dad and gave him a questioning look . That told me that she had no idea so I ran to Dad and asked him the same question . " How did you know Dad , how did you know I 've always wanted a twin sister ? " Hugging the doll with all my might I twirled around in delirious joy and kept turning until I got dizzy and fell to the floor . After rolling around in the middle of the living room floor , I held the doll up with both hands and proudly announced , " I 'm going to name her Jingle - bell , because she 's a Christmas doll , but I 'll call her Bell for short . " Turning to Dad I said , " You and mom can calls us ' A ' and ' B ' . " Get it Dad , ' A ' for Anna and ' B ' for Bell . " I don 't know what got into mom , but when I said that , she suddenly jumped out of her chair and spilled all the presents she had on her lap . Covering her face with both hands she ran out of the living - room crying . About two seconds later aunt Tilly and grandma followed her into the bedroom . I didn 't know what was going on so I turned to dad for an answer . " Molly ! " Dad called out to mom , but she didn 't answer . Then grandma closed the bedroom door and dad put his hand up to indicate that I should stay put while he ran off after them . Without looking back he disappeared into the bedroom and closed the door . " Was it something I said ? " I asked Bell . " I don 't think so , " she answered , " but there was one sure way to find out . " Crawling up to my parent 's room I peeked through the crack at the bottom of the door . All I could see was their feet but that was better than nothing . Dad , grandma and aunt Tilly were standing next to the bed but mom must have been laying on the bed cause I couldn 't see her feet at all . Then they started talking . " " How could you ? " I heard my mother say . " Giving her a doll that looks just like her and then calling it her twin sister . How could you be so cruel ? " " Wait a minute , " My dad replied . " I didn 't say anything about it being her twin . That was her idea . All I did was buy a doll at the mall . " " No , it was suppose to look like her . " Dad replied as mom went into another crying fit . " Look , I was passing by this store in the mall . " Dad continued , " It was called ' The Doll Factory ' or something . Anyway , there was a young women in the corridor and she handed me a discount coupon and asked if I had a daughter . I said yes and told her about Anna . I told her Anna was 7 years old , extremely intelligent and very hard to shop for . I explained that Anna was an only child and we spoiled her rotten so she had everything money could buy and I had no idea what else I could get her . " " Leading me by the arm , the salesgirl took me into the store and told me she had the perfect gift for Anna . She explained that they made custom dolls and if I showed her a picture of Anna they could make me a doll that looked just like her . " Dad stopped to look at mom before continuing . " She said it was the latest rage and assured me that my little girl would love it . " I saw dad 's feet move towards aunt Tilly and grandma as he continued his explanation . " I thought it was a good idea . " He pleaded his case . " I had no reason to think Molly would react as she did . " " No reason ? ' Mom shouted at him as she got to her feet . " Have you forgotten what happened 8 years ago ? Isn 't it bad enough that Anna talks to an imaginary friend ? You know how much that bothers me . Now you 've given her that dammed doll to obsess over . She 's already calling it her twin sister . " Mom broke down in tears again . " And . . . worst of all , … she wants to call it . . . Bell . " Mom screamed as she fell on the bed crying . " You 're the one that 's obsessing . " Dad said as he tried to move towards mom but aunt Tilly move up to stop him . Then I guess she must have pushed him away because dad 's feet took several steps back . That 's when Grandma moved towards mom and sat on the bed . " Oh honey don 't let that fret you . " Grandma said with a very sympathetic voice . " I 'm sure Tim had no idea what he was doing . You know how men are . If it isn 't about cars or sports they don 't have a clue . I 'm sure he didn 't mean to hurt you . He just wasn 't thinking and forgot . . . " Then Grandma leaned forward and hugged Mom . " But maybe that 's a good thing . " grandma continued , " It 's been 8 years honey , isn 't it about time that you forgot about it too ? You 've got a daughter to raise and the poor thing is out there all by herself wondering what all this commotion is about . Don 't spoil her Christmas . You go out there and tell her the present her father gave her is the prettiest doll you 've ever seen . " Everyone was quiet for a while and then Mom got up and started walking towards the door . That was my cue to get back to where I was sitting and pretend to be playing with my doll . When the family marched back into the room , everyone took their places around the tree and tried to pretend nothing happened . Mom walked up to me and sat on the floor right by my side . She took me in her arms and said , " I 'm so sorry baby . I didn 't mean to get all teary and spoil your fun . I think your new doll is beautiful but when you told me you were going to name her Bell , it reminded me of someone I knew a long time ago and thinking about her made me sad . " Mom put her arms around me and squeezed so hard that it hurt but I didn 't say a thing because I knew she was fighting off tears and I guess she was still hurting inside . After a while I decided to say something to make Mom feel better . Holding my doll up for her to see , I told Mom that Bell was very pleased to meet her . Mom didn 't answer , she just held us both close to her chest and rocked back and forth . Then I felt a tear - drop fall on my hand . " Why are you crying Mom ? Is meeting Bell making you sad ? " " No baby . " Mom replied . " These are tears of joy . I 'm very happy to meet Bell . " Then she sniffled and another tear - drop fell . This time it landed on my doll 's porcelain face just below one of her Crystal green eyes . " Look Mom , " I said , still trying to make her feel better . " Bell is happy to meet you too . See , she 's crying tears of joy just like you . " " I didn 't think I said anything wrong but after I said that Mom started crying again . It didn 't take long for the whole family to come to her side and helped her stand up . Then they lead her back into the bedroom and closed the door . They weren 't in there too long before Dad came out and told me not to worry that Mom was going to be all right . Putting both hands on my shoulders he told me he was going to take me out for an eggnog shake at Denny 's . " Really Daddy , really ? " I was surprised cause we hadn 't given out all the presents yet and nobody was allowed to leave until everyone got their gifts . " Can I bring Bell ? " I asked . Dad said yes and asked me to get my coat . He didn 't have to ask me twice . I jumped up and ran to the closet . I love those eggnog shakes and I would have one every day but Christmas is the only time they serve them . It wasn 't long before Dad , Bell and me were sitting at the booth and waiting for our order . Dad ordered coffee and said Bell and I could share the shake . That was kind of silly since Bell doesn 't eat or drink . I have always done the eating and drinking for both of us . Anyway , while we were waiting , Dad said he had something to tell me . I didn 't know what it was but I was sure it was going to be about mom . Dad began by saying that what he had to say was very important but he wasn 't sure if I was old enough to hear it or if he should be the one to tell me . He said it was something I had to know so I could understand what my mom was going through and so I would stop doing things that upset her . I started to ask Dad a question but he held up his hand and told me to just listen and he would answer all my questions when he was done . For the next half hour my father told me a very long story about what happened while Mom was pregnant with me . Dad told the story real slow so I could understand but as he told the story it reminded me about some thoughts I 've had in my head that always troubled me . I use to think those thoughts were just dreams but after what Daddy said , I now know they are actually memories . Dad said that eight years ago , when mom was pregnant with me , the doctor gave them some really good news . Mom was going to have twins . The doctor showed them some ultra - sound pictures that proved that mom had two babies growing in her belly . Dad said it was hard to see in the fuzzy ultra - sound pictures but the doctor said he was sure and he pointed to two round things that he said were the heads of baby girl ' A ' and baby girl ' B . ' He said mom was really happy about having twins and she bragged to everyone that her girls were going to be the prettiest , smartest babies ever . Mom couldn 't wait to be a mother and she threw herself into decorating the nursery . Dad said she spared no expense making sure the Baby 's room was the cutest thing anyone ever saw . As the months went by , Dad said that Mom 's belly got bigger and bigger but the doctor thought it wasn 't big enough and he wanted to do some test to make sure everything was all right . Dad said the test were in - con - clusive . That means that the doctor still didn 't know what was going on so he wanted mom to have something Dad said was called a cat - scan . When I heard the word cat , I got all excited and couldn 't help myself . I just had to ask about the cat . Dad said there wasn 't any cat and explained that a cat - scan was another kind of picture that doctors take to look inside of people . Then he reminded me that I had promised not to interrupt so I said I was sorry and me and Bell sat back in the booth . Anyway , the cat - scan showed that something was wrong . The babies were growing together and they were going to be conjoined twins . I didn 't know what that was but before I could ask dad held up his hand continued his story . He said the doctor believed that the babies were attached at the chest but it turned out to be far worse . The twins had a normal body from the shoulders down , but at the top of the extra wide shoulders , the body split into two separate and distinct individuals . " The doctor took me aside . " Dad continued , " and showed me a video of the cat - scan . The image clearly showed two heads attached to one body . It was a very curious sight but I couldn 't take my eyes off their faces . They were beautiful and my heart was filled with love for both of them . For a very long time I watched them peacefully sleeping while they sucked their thumbs . Baby girl ' A ' was sucking the thumb on the right hand and baby girl ' B ' was sucking the thumb on the left . " Dad went on to tell me what the doctor saI thought about it for a minute and then answered . " Mom had two babies in her stomach that were stuck together . " Dad said that when he told mom what the doctor said , she was dev - is - tated . All her dreams about having the perfect twins were shattered . And what was worst , she was now faced with the frightful prospect of giving birth to a monster . How would she ever face her friends ? She 'd be the mother of a freak and the news - media would probably spread her shame all over the world . " I tried to tell her that all was not lost . We had an alternative . " Daddy continued . " We could still chose to have a normal baby . It was a horrible choice but all we had to do was to choose which one of the girls we wanted to save . " After weeks of thinking they found it was an impossible choice so they called the family together for a prayer meeting . The pastor lead them in prayer but when it came time to ask the Lord to help the girls , they realized that the girls didn 't have names . Mom had promised herself that she wouldn 't name them until after she held them in her arms and looked into their eyes . This however , was an emergency so she decided right then and there to name baby girl ' A ' Anna and baby girl ' B ' would be called Bella . Then they got back to their prayer and asked the Lord to help them come to the right decision . While they were thinking about what they should do , the pastor gave them some advice . He said that they could choose to trust God . Each life was precious in God 's eyes and they should accept the girls the way God made them . The pastor assured them that if they did that , the church would come to their aid and help them raise the children . Dad said the doctor wasn 't so optimistic . He saw neurological and circulatory problems and even major psychological problems down the road when the girls realized how different they were from everybody else . I told dad I didn 't understand all those words so he said he 'd make it simpler for me . He said the doctor told him that baby girl ' A ' controlled the right side of the body and baby girl ' B ' controlled the left and it was going to be hard for them to move . And he also found some problems with their heart . Dad said it was called Cardy - act A - rithmatic or something like that . He said that was caused by the two heads trying to control the body at the same time . The doctor also said that even if all the other problems could be fixed , He didn 't think the baby could have a good life as a two headed girl . " Your mom rejected that . " dad said , Then the doctor told them that the carddy - act thing had gotten real bad and if they didn 't make a decision soon , they might loose both girls . " " Which is it going to be , baby girl ' A ' or baby girl ' B ' ? The doctor asked dad . Dad thought the question was too hard to answer . It wasn 't like picking between Coke or Pepsi , so as the surgical team prepared her for surgery , mom looked up at dad with pleading eyes and said she couldn 't chose . Dad said it was going to be up to him but when he turned to the doctor he couldn 't talk . " " I had to step outside to get a breath of air . " Dad continued , " So I told the doctor I 'd be back and walked out of the room ignoring all the voices that were calling me back . I walked out of the hospital and kept walking until I was standing next to a neighbourhood bar . Stepping inside I ordered some liquid courage and gulped it down . Well , one drink led to another and before I knew I passed out on the table . The bar tender woke me up and asked me to go home . Looking at my watch I realized that two hours had passed and I rushed to the hospital but it was too late . The nurse told me your mom was in recovery and you were in the intensive care ward . " Daddy said he met grandma and aunt Tilly in the waiting room . They weren 't too happy with him and told him that mom almost had a nervous breakdown . She kept asking for him but he was nowhere to be found so just before she went under , mom pulled on the doctors sleeve and whispered ' Anna ' . The doctors took that as her choice . " I was both distraught and relieved . " Daddy continued his story . " Distraught because a decision had been made without me and relieved because I didn 't have to make it . " Dad looked at me and I could see that his eyes were red and teary as he finished his story . " I was a coward . " He confessed with tears rolling down his face . " I ran out on your mother when she needed me most . I forced her to make a decision she wasn 't emotionally prepared to make and I don 't think she 's ever forgiven me for that . " " That 's okay Daddy , " I said as I stroked his arm . " We understand and we don 't blame you for what happened . We don 't blame mommy either . It was just one of those things that happens when nothing else can be done . But you don 't have to worry about it . We 're okay . " " Bella and me . " I responded . " We don 't blame you . It wasn 't your fault that Bella and I grew out of one body . But everything turned out all right . You see , Bella didn 't die . She lives here with me in my head . " Dad just looked at me . His face was frozen with an expression of disbelief , so I took him by the arm and led him to a mirrored wall that decorated the restaurant . Placing Dad in front of me , I pressed the side of my face against the glass and asked him to look at me . When his graze was fixed on me I put my thumb in my mouth , closed my eyes and we sucked our thumbs just like we did when we were in mom 's tummy . Seeing me leaning against the mirror while I sucked my thumb reminded him of that cat - scan picture he saw so many years ago He remembered how Bella and I use to suck our thumbs when we were still in mommy ; s stomach and at last he understood . " " Oh my God ! " He said . " Can this be real ? " He asked not sure who or what he was talking to . " Are you trying to tell me that you 're both alive ? " When we nodded yes , he put his hands on my shoulders and looked deep into our eyes . He must have seen something there because he suddenly pulled us to him and held us tight for a long time . When Daddy stood up we went back to the booth and sat in silence . For a long time he just kept staring at us . Then he told us that we must never tell mom what we just told him . I explained that in a way we already had . " You know how mom use to tell you that I had an imaginary friend ? " Dad just sat there looking at me so I continued . " Until just now , when you explained what happened on the day I was born , I didn 't know who Bella was or why she lived inside me . But now Bella and I understand and she remembers how she came to live in me . The day we were born Bella remembers that the doctor cut her neck . She felt the pain and felt herself being pulled away . That scared her so she moved away from the pain and hid inside my head . After we were born , Bella remained in my head and lived there quietly watching the world through my eyes but not daring to show herself . I didn 't actually know she was there but I could feel her thoughts . Then , when we were older and I learned to talk , Bella learned to talk too and we started talking to each other . " " It was wonderful having a friend to talk with and when we were alone , we began to talk out loud . It was mainly baby talk but somehow we could understand each other . When mom noticed she just thought I was being chatty . The things we said surprised her and she told all her friends what a smart and creative child I was . " " For years we shared our body but mom never suspected there were two of us . She treated us like one person and we had a lot of fun playing games with her . Sometimes mom would ask me a question and Bella would answer . Then I would give a different answer and mom would say , ' Well , make up your mind young lady . ' That was funny and Bella and I would both giggle . We made a game of teasing mom cause she never knew which one of us she was talking to . Sometimes that made her angry and she told us that we were trying her patience and walked away angry . " " One day , mom was walking by our room and overheard us talking . She listened for a while and what she heard bothered her . It sounded like two people talking so she came into the room and demanded to know who I was talking to . When I told her I was talking to my friend , mom looked around and when she didn 't see anyone she laughed and asked if I had an imaginary friend ? " " After that , mom joined in our games and said that if I was going to have an imaginary friend she was going to have to help out and pick up toys and stuff . Bella was happy that Mom was talking to her and she did everything mom asked . Whenever I didn 't want to do something , Mom would ask if my imaginary friend would do it and since Bella wanted mom to like her , she 'd do whatever mom asked . I guess that made mom happy cause she started talking to Bella all the time . She called it our little pretend game and it was fun for a while until I told mom that Bella was real and that she was like a sister that lived inside my head . Mom didn 't like me saying that and told me to stop . " " Mom said I was getting too old to have an imaginary friend and that she never wanted to hear me talking to myself again . She said what I was doing was crazy and creepy and the last thing she needed was to have her friends and family thinking she had a crazy daughter . After that I stopped talking to Bella in front of mom but Bella and I still talked inside our head where mom couldn 't hear us . " " Mom didn 't believe us Daddy . Why didn 't she believe us ? " " She didn 't believe you because she couldn 't believe you . " Dad said , " What you told her and what you are telling me is so far beyond what we think is possible that it defies our concept of reality . " " I don 't know anything about what is possible and what is not . " I told dad , " All I know is that Bella is just as real now as when we shared a body inside mommy 's tummy . Now that we 're born we still share a body , the only difference is that Bella now lives inside my head . " Daddy shook his head and sighed . " Okay , maybe I can understand it a little and I guess I have to believe it because of all the things you 've told me and shown me , but your mother will never understand or believe . Her decision to give birth to you and let Bella die has haunted her for years . In her eyes she defied God 's will and committed an unforgivable sin . Don 't you see ? Your Mom believes in a vengeful and unforgiving God that punishes people that don 't obey Him . And all those years of living with guilt and fear have torn a hole in her soul that no one can mend . " But Daddy , that has all changed now . Now that we know who my imaginary friend really is , we can tell Mom that Bella isn 't dead . She 's alive and living inside me . That should make everything right . " " You don 't understand . " Dad tried to tell us . " Over the years your mom has filled that hole in her soul with feelings of contempt and self loathing . She believes she should be punished for not having faith in God 's will . I 'm afraid that if she finds out that Bella is alive and living inside you , she won 't see that as a reprieve from her torment or a blessing from God . She 'll just think God is mocking her for her disbelief and lack of faith . Instead of embracing you and accepting Bella as her long lost daughter , she 'll recoil in horror . Believe me , this news will drive your mother over the edge and into a world of insanity . " That 's what Daddy told us and now we kind of wish we had believed him because that is exactly what happened . When we told Mom , she didn 't believe us and when we tried to prove that Bella was alive and living in me , she got angry and hostile . She blamed Dad for putting us up to telling her such a ridiculous and horrible lie . Then she turned away from us and refused to look at us again . In fact , she turned away from everyone and everything . Locking herself in her room , mom turned off the lights and sat in the darkness weeping . When the ambulance came she didn 't fight or protest . She thank them for coming and told the doctors that she deserved to be locked away . That she had been a bad mother and it was God 's will that she be punished . It 's been twenty years since mom was committed and now that we are older , Bell and I understand what happened . Mom couldn 't accept us . She didn 't see us as a chance to have what she had given up . She saw us as proof that her lack of faith was being punished She refused to accept our forgiveness and instead chose to let her guilt and fear turn her life into a living hell . Bell and I don 't know too much about God or about hell , but we feel that if there is a God , He is not about guilt and punishment ; He is about hope and compassion . Our own existence proves that . And hell , if there is such a place , its not a fiery pit in the bows of the earth . It 's a place deep within us where we store all the pain and guilt that we 've created for ourselves . We visit mom every other weekend but she refuses to receive us . When they bring her to the visitors area , she hides in a dark corner and covers her face . We know she can see us because she tracks our every move with her red swollen eyes , but when we hold out our arms to let her know that we welcome her into our embrace , she shivers and turns away . Anna and I wanted to help mom more than anything else in the world , but mom 's fate was out of our hands . We were not responsible for her condition nor was it God 's will . Too many people see God 's will or an attempt to defy His will as a cause for everything they can 't explain . The fact is that nobody knows God 's will and even if they did , there is no way anyone could possibly defy it . No , mom 's sin wasn 't that she defied God , but rather that she denied herself the power of forgiveness . We all have free will and with that the ability to chose our fate . Mom chose to abandon all hope that she could ever be forgiven . With that abdication she also gave up all hope that she would ever escape from that personal hell in which she kept herself imprisoned . THE END Read 10470 times | This is strikingly different of anything that I 've ever read . It 's not only thought provoking it calls into question what may very well be in a birth separated twins through one 's death . This not only didn 't have anything of a sexual nature , it should not have . Very well written and as I 've stated thought provoking , as well . |
We had a GREAT weekend ! Willie and I had been waiting impatiently for the weekend to come . The days at work leading up to it seemed very long and very irritating . Each day just got in the way of the weekend to come . Waiting had become unbearable . Finally , Wednesday came . That meant Joshua and Caitlin would be coming that evening ! How exciting ! They would be the first to arrive . The weekend was about to begin . Lucky for me I had Thursday off ! We would have time to do things together before I had to work again on Friday . We went to a movie , Dark Shadows ! I had been looking forward to that since I first heard about it . It was great . We meandered around Rossville and Danville some , and rented more movies for the evening . We grilled a meatloaf for supper and settled in for the night . Thursday night was spent sleeplessly . Valerie , Alyssa , Shane and Kahlen were driving out overnight . I spent the night sleeping for ten minutes and then waking up and jumping up to check the clock . Four more hours , three more hours , two more hours . The minutes ticked by slower and slower . Sleep was being overridden by the excitement of all of the kids and Kahlen being here at the same time . Something that hasn 't happened since we moved here . The house itself seemed delighted at the prospect of being full of life and laughter . Finally , at precisely 6 : 06 am we got a text for Alyssa , " 5 miles ! " is what it said . Willie and I got up and went downstairs . We both paced around , neither knowing what to do with ourselves . Willie went out on the porch several times , watching and waiting . I paced around the kitchen , deciding what to make for breakfast , just to keep myself from running down the street to meet their car . Finally , they pulled into the drive . The car stopped and Willie and I raced to the door . Slowly , the very tired group emerged from the car . First Shane , then Alyssa and Valerie at the same time . And then Kahlen ! Now , don 't get me wrong , I was very excited to see all five of my kids , but they don 't change over the months when we don 't see them . Kahlen , she looks different every time ! She grows , she learns more words , she has emerged from baby to toddler to almost a preschooler since we moved here . Her sense of humor has exploded . I can never wait to see her . Once out of the car I swooped her into my arms and neither of us had any intention of letting go . We all spent the morning talking and playing with Kahlen . We caught up and made plans and got everyone settled in for the weekend . Then it was time for Willie and I to go to work . I was again lucky , Friday was the only day I had to work while they were here . Willie had to work the whole weekend . I felt so bad for him . That Friday at work seemed to be the planet where time stood still . Everything irritated me . I was angry that I had to be there selling pseudo ephedrine to itchy twitchy meth heads instead of being home with my family . After what seemed like forever , 9 : 00 pm finally came . I knew as I was driving home that Kahlen would likely be asleep when I got there , but that was ok , I 'd get to spend time with the grown up kids that way . As it turned out , Little Miss Kahlen had other ideas . I got home and opened the door . No sooner than I had walked in then a very exhausted Alyssa came down the stairs carrying and even more exhausted Kahlen . She had refused to go to sleep . Alyssa gave her to me , and she hung on tight . We got her talked into going to bed . I promised her that I would stay home with her for the next two days and until they had to leave Monday . She laid down and begrudgingly went to sleep . We decided to go into Indiana and got to Shades State Park for the day . It was a hot , hot day , but as the name of the park implies , it was very shady there . The heat didn 't seem to bother anyone . The dirt however , did . Kahlen is much like her Grandpa . She is neat and tidy and isn 't keen on getting dirty . Shane and I have a shared mission in life to change that about her . When we were on a nice flat normal path , or on the board walk and stairs , Little Miss was fine . She wanted to lead the way and decided which way to go . UNTIL . . . . . we got down to the creek bed . It was wet ! It was muddy ! It was dirty ! She wanted Daddy to carry her . She had no intention of getting filthy . Her sandals were not going to be soiled by that mud . I decided to get her dirty anyway . I scooped up a finger - full of mud and smeared it on her leg . Yeah . . . . not the good idea I thought it was . She was very unhappy that I had betrayed her by getting her dirty . Then I smeared mud on my leg as well . " It 's fun to get dirty ! " I happily told her . That seemed to calm her a little . Shane was very patient and kind with her . He carried her as long as she wanted and encouraged her to get down and walk when she wanted to try . Soon she was down in the water marching around , and just as soon she was up in Daddy 's arms again . He was very good at knowing when to encourage and when to scoop her up . What started out as a scary situation for her turned into a wonderful experience for her and Shane both . On the way home , Kahlen rode with Josh , Caitlin and me . She had an Oreo cookie . Anyone who has ever given a two and a half year old an Oreo knows what a mess that makes . Kahlen looked at her Oreo covered hands . She looked up at me and announced proudly , " Nahma ! I got Dirty ! " Shane and I may succeed at our mission yet ! The evening was spent grilling hot dogs , brats , pineapple and asparagus . We ate and laughed and wished Willie was there , too . Kahlen and I made a cheesecake for our " Thanksgiving " meal for the next day . She helped me put in ingredients , and watched as the mixer swirled them together . Alyssa took pictures and stayed out in the kitchen watching her daughter grow up a little more . Some cheesecake ended up on the floor , some on Bazinga , some on Kahlen . Some of it even ended up in the pan . I got to give Kahlen her bath and bedtime snuck up on us . After Kahlen was snug in bed , Valerie and I went to the store in Hoopston to get a few more things for our Sunday feast . We found all of our items and went home . We made pineapple salad , and Willie got home . His hours had gotten changed for Sunday , which meant he would be home earlier ! We were all excited about that . The next morning Kahlen came in to wake me up . She climbed up on my bed , and brushed her hand on my cheek very softly . She giggled when I opened my eyes and gave me a big old hug . We watched Sesame Street for a little bit and then headed down stairs . Shane and Alyssa were going to go out for breakfast , and Valerie had already started making rolls for the rest of us . It was the start of a busy cooking day . Before that though , Josh went down and found Kahlen 's swimming pool and got it all blown up . Caitlin , Josh and I watched as Kahlen very carefully held the hose to fill her pool . ( Very carefully , because the day before she and the hose had had an , lets call it , and interaction . She was messing with the on and off switch on the hose . She wanted to fill a little tub with water . Josh was the first to notice her playing with it , " Let 's see where this goes . . . . " was his response . We all watched , and tried to find our phones for pictures , but we were too late . . . . . She got the knob to turn , the water stormed out of the hose fiercely and scared the poo out of poor little Kahlen . Now when the hose comes on she runs for cover until it is flowing nicely . ) We made our big turkey dinner . Turkey dinner on Memorial Day weekend you may be asking yourself ? Yes , this was the first holiday we had been all together since Willie and I moved here . So , Alyssa decided we needed to have a big Thanksgiving dinner . Which we did . Willie got home by three , just in time to see Kahlen having a good time in her pool . Well , standing in her pool , but having fun just the same . With bellies full , we all vegetated for a few hours while Kahlen and Caitlin put on a show for us . Kahlen was the princess in the grand regal robe , and Caitlin her dutiful servant . Kahlen ran through the house , with Caitlin keeping her robe up off the ground . " Bow down to me , " Kahlen commanded . The house was full of laughter and energy . Even the creaks in the house seemed happier and younger . Monday came and cars were packed . We all went to Penn Station for lunch . Having them leave from their seemed like it might be easier then watching them go down the road from the house . Kahlen started to pout a little as we went to the parking lot . I looked her in the eyes and told her I wanted her to be a good girl for Mommy and Daddy on the drive home . She said ok , and perked up a little . I told her Nahma and Tahpa would see her in about a week or so , and she perked up more . By the time she got in her car seat she was smiling and giggling . Leaving from the parking lot seemed to work . Made it easier on me and Willie , too . We came home to an empty house . The quiet floating over us like a cloud of fog . Bazinga looked for everyone and was disappointed to find only Willie and me . We sat down on the couch and even the house seemed a little sadder . A couple of weeks ago , Bazinga and I decided to go on a road trip to go see my friend Dawn . This meant that Bazinga was going to get to have time with his own mom and dad . I wasn 't quite sure how Pig , Bazinga 's dad , was going to welcome him . Now that Bazinga is a full grown male dog , therefore competition , I didn 't know if he 'd see him as a rival , or still as the pup he knew . After the very long trip down to Dawn 's , I took a wrong turn , and then hit horrible traffic , Bazinga was accepted as part of the pack . Pig reminded him of his manners and all was fine . A surprise awaited Bazinga , he had a new brother and sister to get to know . He was fascinated with them . He stood and watched them and tried to get in to their kennel with them . Not exactly sure what to do with them , he spent most of his time following his mom , Isabelle , around . " She smelled PURTY ! " Her pregnancy hormones still in full bloom , and the smell of her milk enticing his senses , Bazinga wasn 't sure how to approach her . One moment he would be following her like a smitten suitor and the next he 'd be trying to nurse . He was one confused boy . Her reaction was to tolerate kindly and snap him into place as needs be . He had a whole pack of dogs of all different kinds and sizes to play with . He had chickens to chase . He could safely go in and out as he pleased , never wandering too far from Isabelle , was a happy puppy . Knowing that Bazinga was in good hands , Dawn and I decided to go to town . We went to lunch at an outdoor restaurant in St . Charles , Missouri . We each had quiche , mine asparagus and brie , hers ham and cheese , and a cup of lovely potato soup . We then went for a walk down Main street . St . Charles is right on the Mississippi River and still has the charms and architecture of an 1800 's river town . The shops are mostly independently owned small businesses each with a unique sense of style and quaintness that honors the term Main Street America . We enjoyed walking down the street , window shopping and admiring the brownstone buildings . The flower lined streets beckoning us to continue walking . The open doors of the shops welcoming as they let the mid May air in to mingle with the smells of fresh baked cookies , old hardwood floors and the cool , sweet aroma that you only get from aged brick . Dawn and I could have spent all day there , but we had other things in mind . We got back into the car and found our way to a Habitat for Humanity Restore . Habitat for Humanity , is and organization that builds homes for people . They restore or rebuild old homes , or start from scratch when necessary . These houses are then sold to people at a very reasonable price and with financing that is affordable . They help people get out of rentals and tenements , but give them the responsibility and pride of home ownership . The Restores take donated items , including building materials , that they can 't use , and resell it to the public at much reduced prices . In areas where construction is strong , you can find everything from lighting fixtures , crown moulding , and flooring , to tiles , bathtubs and old doors . It may be stuff torn out of an old house and salvaged , to brand new stuff , that perhaps some one special ordered , but then decided wasn 't the right color and couldn 't be taken back to the place of purchase . You can find treasures and bargains galore . We have one in Danville that I have visited , but was amazed by the things to be found at this one . Danville does not have a lot of construction going on , so that Restore is much smaller and relies more on donations from the community . You can still find the bargains , but have to be very diligent and go often as the inventory turns over often . This store was huge , it had enough tile in one color to tile an entire bathroom . Oh , how I wished I lived closer ! Dawn and I both found things , she a new door for her barn , and a few other things . Me , an arched window frame , that may become a picture frame , or something , I haven 't decided yet . After that we went to another resale shop , each filled a grocery bag with things like old books full of upholstery samples , and wine corks . Each of us having visions of Pinterest dancing through our heads . Our very over stuffed bags only costing $ 8 . 00 each we left satisfied we had spent the day frugally . Re - purposing discarded items , a passion for us both . The next day was spent at Grant 's Farm in St . Louis . It was a day of relaxing and enjoying a little time outside . Grant 's Farm is the historical home of Ulysses Grant . Part of the grounds have been turned into an area with animals and petting zoos . It also houses the training facilities of the Budweiser Clydesdale Horse Team . We fed baby goats , who were very excited to be fed . They clamored up to us and less then politely demanded the baby bottles that contained the much desired milk . Dawn 's and my bottles were emptied quickly and with gusto . Leaving many kids asking for more . Somehow , Kristie , Dawn 's daughter , the newly anointed veterinarian , was able to make her bottle last and made the kids share it . She gave a sip or two each goat , making it last fifteen minutes or more . Dawn and I were perplexed at how she did it . After escaping the remake of Hitchcock 's The Birds , replacing the birds with baby goats , we continued walking around the grounds . The end of the tour was at the horse training facilities . The Clydesdales weren 't there , but you could see the grandeur of the grounds and how the horses were cared for when they were there . It was a good day , and a good break from reality and all that comes with it . Posted by My mother died in May of 1988 . It has been twenty - four years since I have bought a Mother 's Day card for my mother . An old friend of mine , and her mother had a falling out many , many years ago . Recently , they have been starting , slowly to reconnect . Very slowly , but baby steps are much better than no steps . My hope for both of them is that they get past whatever happened between them . They are both very lucky to be able to have the chance to find their way back to each other . I saw today , on Facebook , that my friend did reach out to her mom with a Happy Mother 's Day , made me very happy ! I saw this little family , when I got home today . When I first saw them they were all cuddled together at the edge of my yard . Of course , when I got the camera , they got nervous and split apart . Mom never got very far from the baby . I 'm sure if I 'd gotten any closer that Dad would have dive bombed me . As I was downloading the pictures from my camera , I found this one of Kahlen from the last time she was here . Wow , was it really clear back in January ? She was making brownies to take home for her mommy . Happy Mommy 's Day Alyssa . You have the most beautiful little girl in the world ! You and Shane have done an amazing job ! I can 't wait to meet Kahlen 's new brother or sister ! To my mom , we had a different kind of mother - daughter relationship . You were eccentric , original , creative and one of a kind . You taught me that things can be done in many different ways , including parenting . I do know that you did your best . I know you loved us kids in your own special way . You taught me both how to be , and how not to be a good mom . Lessons that every mother needs to learn . Parenting is not about being perfect , it is about being human . Humans have never been , nor will they ever be . . . perfect . The real trick is doing it a little better than your own mother did , and I think you did . I love you and I miss you . To Willie 's mom , Virginia , thank you for being the strong , stable , and amazing mother that you were , not just to your children , but to me as well . You were there for Willie and me through thick and thin . After my mother passed away , you filled in the gap in a way no one else could . You were the grandmother to my children , the only one they really knew . They looked forward to seeing you and still talk about how you made them the best ice cream sundaes ever . You were very sneaky about how you spoiled them rotten . They , Willie and I all loved and adored you . You are missed very much . For all Mother 's both here and gone , this day is for you . We remember you , we love you and we honor you . Happy Mother 's Day ! I finally found a good use for hot flashes . They help me get out of bed on a chilly morning . Yeah , that 's about it . I noticed today , that not only are my eyebrows going gray , but some are trying to grow the wrong way . This disturbs me ! I do not want the old man curly eyebrow thing . I 'm starting to understand now , why some little old ladies pluck all of their eyebrows and then draw them back on . Bazinga is not the sharpest tool in the shed . Willie put in two evergreens in the front yard , and Bazinga thought for sure they were going to eat him . Apparently , there are many things in this world that think little white dogs are tasty . I had to drag him up to the trees and make him sniff them to get him to stop barking at them . Begonias are pretty . I think they belong in every yard . Mint is apparently a perennial not an annual . If you ever want to grow mint , give it A LOT of room . It likes to stretch its legs and take over a garden . I spent a good hour and a half moving the mint I planted last year to a bed all of its own . It was trying to take over the oregano and sage . And finally , using an electric hand held sander is fun , and kind of therapeutic . It is rewarding seeing unwanted paint disappear off of an object . However , and I don 't know why , but when you are done , and you have that weird tingling in your hands , it makes your hands ITCH ! ! ! Not a normal itch either . It is more an itch of a million paper cuts . It itched so bad it hurt . I had to run my hands under cold water to make it stop . If you thought this post was going to make sense you didn 't read the title . Posted by Yesterday , I decided it was time . I 've lived in this house for a year and a half now . The room has been there the whole time . I peaked my head in once , turned around and walked away . I 'd think about every once in a while , especially when I 'd go down to do laundry . Really though , would you be in a big hurry to check out a room that had a door that looked like this ? Willie has been in there , and survived . Though , he did come out a little grayer than he went in . I think he was shaking a little , too . Bazinga , seeing me looking at the scary door to the scary room , became concerned . He knew that going in there was a bad idea . The basement as a whole is frightening enough , but that room ? Bazinga knew no good could come of going in there . He whimpered a little , imploring me NOT to open that door . Surely , there would be evil monsters that eat little white dogs in there . He stood back from the door as I slowly opened it . We peaked in . We decided that a weapon of selfdefense was in order . We shut the door again and looked around . What to use ? We needed something that would ward off puppy eating monsters . Bazinga thought a semi automatic machine gun was in order . Never having been a gun owner / collector , the machine gun was just not an option . We found a stick . I figured if a bat flew out at me this would be good enough . Bazinga was neither impressed nor inspired to confidence that my choice of weaponry was appropriate . What was I going to do with THAT when a giant red eyed , magenta skinned , lizard tongued , scaly monster with fifteen rows of sharp pointy teeth tried to eat him . He shook his head , woofed good bye to Mia , who was hiding upstairs , the coward , and took a deep breath . We went in . Bazinga sniffed the air . He looked around carefully and listened for any unusual movement . Unsure he slowly moved around the room . Suddenly , he realized , this room was the coolest place EVER ! So many things to sniff . As he sniffed around , I looked around . Treasures I did find . All sorts of them . I already have an idea for this shutter , it has a couple of mates out in the garage . That will be my first project . I won 't say what it will be yet , but you can expect a post sometime in the future . Pinterest has a lot of good ideas for old cribs . I have no idea how old it is or if it is at all safe , so restoring it for the new grandchild is not an option . However , it may still be used for Kahlen and her brother or sister . I have an idea for the spring thingy for my house . I 'll let you know later . All in all our little expedition into the scary room turned out well . And no puppies were harmed in the process . ( Oh , and Bazinga says he was NEVER scared at all and doesn 't know why I made such a big deal about it . ) Last Tuesday night I got a call from my sister that my brother had been taken to the hospital . He would be in the hospital for a few days . My sister had to work , which would mean my dad would be home alone . My dad is not a young man anymore . He isn 't as stable on his feet as he used to be , and him being alone for a long period of time makes us all a little nervous . I had a Thursday and Friday off , and decided to drive home after work Wednesday . I would have to come back Friday night , so I could work Saturday . It was worth it . I had to go home to get some things for the trip and decided to take Bazinga along . I knew Dad would get a kick out of having Bazinga around . He likes dogs a lot , and if it weren 't for it being too hard for him to take care of one , I 'm sure he would love to still have one . Bazinga and I made the long drive . He travels very well . We got into town late , and stayed with Josh and Caitlin . Talulla was already kenneled for the night , and Bazinga was antsy from the drive . He was not ready to be kenneled for the night . After a while he finally settled down , and we got some sleep . The next morning we got up early and headed over to my dad 's . When I got there my sister was still there . This surprised me , I was expecting that she would be at work . Ben had called and he was being released from the hospital . Everything was OK . Stacey was getting ready to make the trip to Iowa City to go get him . Dad and I had a good day together . I made him some lunch and we talked as we waited for Ben and Stacey to get home . Later in the afternoon Alyssa called and would bring Kahlen out to see Great Grandpa . I couldn 't wait ! Alyssa 's car pulled up to the house and parked in the street . She hadn 't told Kahlen that I was there . I hid back as she got her out of the car and told her she had a surprise . I waited until she got across the street and popped out . She paused for a minute and then smiled and ran straight into my arms ! It felt so good to hug that little girl ! I couldn 't stop smiling ! We went in and sat down . She had a death grip on me , which was fine because I really had no intention of putting her down anyway . We sat and talked . We read a couple of books I had downloaded on my phone for her . I asked her if someone was having a baby . She looked up at me , her eyes got very big and bright and she said , " My Mommy is having a baby ! " She smiled and we all laughed , so taken in by her enthusiasm . We started talking about names for her brother . I asked her if she wanted to name him several different names , all of which she disapproved . Then I asked her if she wanted to name him Antonio Banderas . Okay , yes , this might sound like a very strange question , to the uninformed ear . There is a history behind it , though . When Alyssa was pregnant with Kahlen , Willie kept saying that she should be named , ( yes , even after we knew she was a girl ) Antonio Banderas , and that was just the first name . Why , well , we just don 't know for sure , but it became a running joke . After I asked her , she looked up at me and said a definite , no . Alyssa laughed and said that Grandpa had wanted to name her that . Kaheln looked at me stunned . I said , " it 's true , he did , can Grandpa call you Antonio Banderas ? " After Ben and Stacey got home and had a little Kahlen visit , we got in the car to go over to Josh and Caitlin 's . Kahlen decided she wanted to ride with me . We talked on the way there . I was amazed at how well she was talking and how grown up she seemed since the last time I had seen her . I asked questions and she answered them . She told me about daycare and I listened intently . The baby we were holding not that long ago , who could only cry was telling me stories . Which made me ask her a question . I asked her if I could still call her ' baby ' . She had told her mom that she could no longer call her baby , or sweety or pumpkin . Just Kahlen , so , I decided to find out if Nahma , could still call her baby . " NO ! " She said firmly . " I NOT a baby , I KAHLEN ! " Well , okay then ! A few weeks ago , my husband got me a new iPhone . We ordered it from Valerie 's store in Iowa . She sent it via UPS and when it arrived she had also sent along a case for it . She had sent me a picture of a couple of different ones , but I decided on one with birds . They are happy little birds and I loved the pink gel liner that came with it . Today , I took Bazinga out for a walk and stopped to check the mail . In the mail , I received a slim square box . The return address was from case - mate . I felt a conundrum brewing inside of me . I was sure , Valerie , knowing my passion for most things purple , ( I 'm not very fond of deep purple bruises and things such as that , ) had sent me a very pretty purple case . What would I do ? I really like my pink bird case . It was bright and happy and when I looked at it , it made me smile . Bazinga and I finished our walk . We went inside and I sat on the bench to open the package . Even as I broke through the tape , I wondered how I would decide which one to use . What if I really didn 't like the new case . Would I just use it when I would see her , no , I couldn 't do that , it 's just not me . I really , really like my bird case , though ! The package open , I saw it was the same type of case . The gel liner was facing up and it was black . Black ? I looked at it and wondered what the other side looked like . With a small amount of trepidation , ( Valerie actually does very well picking out gifts for me , ) I turned the case over . It was customized with pictures of my kids and Kahlen ! It was PERFECT ! I couldn 't think of anything that would be any better . The bird case was pulled off and the new one put on without a second thought . Who knew you could have this done . I am a self proclaimed artist and photographer , but will never make any money at it because , lets face it not many people get that chance . But thats ok , because it means my art is all my own , not what someone else wants it to be . Although , I have recently made a little money painting windows , which has been a lot of fun . I love my family more than I would have ever imagined . That is the one constant in my life . I am a wife , mother and grandmother . Even with every change that comes along , no matter how far I am from them , my family is my life . Please know that all of the text and photos are copy right protected . All rights reserved . Not to be duplicated or used in anyway with out express permission of the author of this blog I know It has been forever since I posted . I just haven 't been able to find words to write . It 's not that I haven 't had . . . Stroganoff . What does stroganoff have to do with Tucker the Pig . . . well , I 'm going to tell you . If you are a great foodie who loves his . . . I woke up this morning full of hope for the day . Stacey was coming out to stay with Dad while I went to a doctor appointment . After my app . . . Yesterday , I decided it was time . I 've lived in this house for a year and a half now . The room has been there the whole time . I peake . . . |
This is long , and the chapter divisions are almost arbitrary , because it 's too long to post in one chunk . I read about two dozen books , spent a lot more time than can possibly be healthy on Google , and rewatched the movies about six times for this . I took some liberties with the timeline of WWII - - notably where the fronts were and when - - although I took my lead on that from the MCU . So if you feel the urge to correct a historical ( or MCU ) detail , by all means please do , but please include a reference . Comments are dearly loved and cherished . If you have a question about what something means , or whether there 's a reason for it , PLEASE ASK , because I DESPERATELY want to talk about all the stuff that DIDN ' T make it into the text . As usual , this would be way worse without the intervention of ecce - meliora , my editor and bff . If you would like to enjoy some era - appropriate music ( including the songs referenced ! ) from before our boys go in the ice , you can check out my playlist We 'll Never Be Fred and Ginger . NOW WITH GLORIOUS FANART by Orithe ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " Stevie ! " Sarah was ready to go , fussing with her hair , a pin here and a pin there and another bobby pin in her mouth ; it was nearly time , if they were going to catch the train . Steve stuck his head into the bedroom . " Yeah , I 'm ready , " he said , before looking down at the ground and kicking at it , pouting . " Honey , you 'll have a good time , " she said , finishing the last pin before bending down to take his hand in hers . He tugged it back out , scowling , on the verge of tears . She sighed heavily , and that set him off . Tears started to leak out of his eyes . " Uncle John and Aunt Bessie were good friends of Daddy 's , " she said , quietly . " I know you don 't remember them , but they 're nice . " " I don 't see why we have to go to their house ! " " Because they asked us , honey , and it 's very nice of them , and if you want , we can ask them to tell us stories about Daddy . " That stopped him for a minute ; he clearly hadn 't considered that John and Bessie might know something he didn 't . " Do you think they will ? " he asked , scuffing his foot on the floor again , but less vigorously . " I do . Especially if you ask nice . " " Okay . " He sniffled dramatically , but reached up and took her hand . " Let 's go . " " We have to put your shoes on first , honey , " she said , and smiled at him , even though her eyes felt tight and wet . When they walked out of the theater , Steve wouldn 't stop talking . " Ma ! Did you see that ? How did they make the flames colors ? How did they get cameras up in the planes ? " " I did see it , honey , " she said , laughing . " They paint the color right on the film . They can 't do it very much but they can do it for some parts . " Steve was so worked up he was twisting and jumping as he walked . " And then the girl got to drive ! Ma , I want to drive . No , I want to fly . " " You can do anything you want when you grow up , " she said , threading her hand into his to try and rein him in . Fat chance . He twisted out of her grip almost immediately , and said , " I want a friend like that ! I wanMother , Mother , I am sick , Steve frowned down at the page , flipped it , then realized he hadn 't really read that last part , and had to turn back to it . The girls moved on to another chant , this one about monkeys . As if his heart wasn 't enough , Steve got sick in his lungs every winter . It was like clockwork - school would start up , it would get cold , and within a couple of weeks he 'd be down with a fever . Ever since he was three or four he 'd had asthma attacks . He 'd scared Sarah so bad that first time . She 'd only been a nurse for a couple of years and it had been awful before she figured out what was happening . Even then , there wasn 't much she could do . Just hold her baby and wait for him to ride it out . Getting sick meant his lungs were always about one step away from seizing up . She hated it , hated listening to him . Maybe this time would be the time he 'd pass out . Maybe he wouldn 't make it through this time . Or maybe this would be the last time and he 'd get over it , grow out of it , and never make these awful , wracking noises again . That hope was probably the worst part . Steve was sitting on the stoop with a scrap of paper and a pencil when a kid , maybe a year or two older than him , came whooping down the street with a couple of other boys . Not enough for a good game . Steve dropped his pencil , and it bounced on the next step and came to a stop before rolling over the edge . The kid looked up , maybe seeing it out of the corner of his eye , and then his face changed , warm and welcoming . " Hey , bud ! " He held out the ball . " You want to play ? " " Sure , " said Steve , who was a little worried , but if his dad had been fair to everybody he could be , too , and if this kid wanted to play ball - well , nobody 'd pushed him down yet . " I 'm Bucky , " said the kid , and Steve hopped down off the stoop . It turned out he wasn 't very good at hitting the ball , but nobody pushed him down then , either . The horrible pulsing noise of the warning bell before school was intolerably loud ; Steve squared his shoulders , stepping into the mad crushKnow ' st thou not there is but one theme for ever - enduring bards , Loving to excess . What an idea . How could you love too much ? It was one thing that didn 't cost a penny , and it didn 't have to hurt ; you could hold on to love in your heart and create more of it , an infinite amount more , as you needed to . They desire he should like them , touch them , speak to them , stay with them . ( That part , though , reminded him of Bucky . ) Sarah always liked to sing along to the radio . Ever since Stevie was little , he 'd perked up when she did , which suited her just fine . It was nice to be appreciated . Even at fifteen , when most boys his age had started trying to act like they were found in a jungle instead of raised by their parents , when he came home after school to her singing in the kitchen on her days off , his face would soften and he 'd smile , and if it had been a very good day for him , he might even join her . She loved his voice , which was sweet and steady , and had cracked into a deep voice like a man 's , now smoothed over most of the rough spots . She knew from what she 'd come home to him listening to that he liked some songs better than others , some singers better than others . He 'd never sing along to Ruth Etting , but he 'd belt his heart out to Bing Crosby . Until or unless she made a sound , and then he 'd turn around so fast he 'd give himself whiplash , and he 'd stop singing and say , " So how was it today , Ma ? " Sometimes she made things up . Sometimes she 'd tell him the truth . It was one of those evenings when she came home after a long , long day , found him sitting sprawled out on the couch with his sketchbook , singing along almost under his breath , you 're getting to be a habit with me . The light was casting a funny shadow , and for a minute he looked so much older . He glanced up and smiled . " Hey , Ma , run late ? " " Hey , honey . " She pulled out a chair and sat down , heavily . She hadn 't taken off her coat , and Steve 's face sharpened as he searched hers . " What happened ? " She sighed , and then , to her surprise and disgust , she started to cry . She put up a hand in front of her face , but her shoulders kept heaving , heaving . Steve was up off the couch in a shot , scrambling over to her , pencil rolling away ; he threw his arms around her from the side , awkwardly crouched even though he wasn 't tall , and he said , " Shhh , shhh , what is it , Ma ? It 's okay , I 'm here . " She shook her head a few times , and got the sobs under control . " It was a girl at the hospital today , " she said . " She got in trouble and she went to somebody to try to take care of it . Oh , honey , she died . She was so sick by the time somebody brought her in , and so scared , and she just looked up at me and she died . " This wasn 't the first girl who 'd died like this on her . She 'd gotten used to it , as much as you can . But this girl was the youngest , far and away the youngest , couldn 't have been more than thirteen . And so scared . Just a little baby . The horrible stench of putrid flesh wafting up from her vagina when they got her stripped on the table , the stench of sepsis . There 's nothing like it , and she knew it as soon as she smelled it , knew that girl was a lost cause . She 'd bottomed out not two hours later , for all they tried . " Stevie , " she said , " I 'm going to tell you a couple of things . Okay ? They might tell you about it in school , but I need to know you know it . " He 'd pulled up a chair , and now , sitting next to her , hand still resting on her back , he nodded , fiercely . He already knew about the birds and the bees , the basics . So she told him about rubbers , which maybe the Pope didn 't approve of but nurses did , and how a girl in trouble needs a friend , and if he 's going to be a good friend to girls , he 'll never get them in trouble , and he 'll take them to the hospital sooner , a lot sooner , if anything does happen . You can bIt was after improper advances were made that he struck him ' in a fury , ' said Haas Struck down in his sleep . Improper advances . Retired to the bedroom . Steve 's hands were shaking as he set the paper down . Would - it was in the paper , it started on the front page . Of course everyone was going to read it . No point in trying to shield anybody from it . Of course if they could prove there 'd been improper advances - Haas would have an easier time of it , wouldn 't he ? Because everybody would figure , the jury would figure , the guy had deserved it somehow . Haas - Kehler , his real name was - the boxer , went on trial near the end of February . They covered it in the papers again . Men , and men alone , fit into the crime which was uncovered on Dec . 6 . And then , in that tone , that unbearable tone , At first it was thought there might be international espionage entanglements but soon there were revealed only the sordid details of a 42 - year - old bachelor 's private life . bloody fingerprints , a large bathrobe and size 11 bedroom slippers bedroom slippers , Christ , hit in the head while he sleptAnd the next day there was a story about selecting jury talesmen . Possibles being excluded for admitting they didn 't like Hitler - that was something , wasn 't it - and We must know , too , if the jurors have any prejudice because Engelberg was afflicted with a sexual perversion . Turkus again asked : " Would you be influenced if he were a Nazi and a homo - sexual ? " Sheridan said he would not . Bucky went out with some guys from work . He didn 't invite Steve . They wouldn 't have liked him , he wouldn 't have liked them . ( Bucky didn 't like them , much , but they were all right . ) They went to a bar , a grimy nasty little place , and Bucky paced himself so he was never quite as drunk as they were . They told jokes , practically screaming them . " See , a fag gets home , " said Claude , " and he finds a man in bed with his wife . He 's telling his friend about it later and his friend says , ' So what did you do ? Did you let her have it ? ' and he says , ' You bet I did ! I really slammed that door on my way out ! ' " Bucky smiled over the rim of his bottle while the other guys hooted with laughter . In mid - March , after two weeks of running into reminders in the papers when he least expected it , hearing murmurs about it at the shop , Haas was convicted . Steve 's hands shook , just barely , as he read Judge Brancato told the jurors . . . " This was a clever , shrewd murder . " Twenty years for manslaughter . Well , it was something . That was the spring Bucky started acting like a freak , if Steve had to nail it down later . He was over at Steve 's almost every day after work . Jumpy at everything , worrying about Steve all the time - worse than usual . He was always looking like he was waiting to find a firecracker under his pillow . It went on all spring , and into the summer . " Jesus , Buck , " said Steve one evening when a car backfiring had him jerking bolt upright in the chair by the window , where he 'd been just sitting and listening to the radio with a sock he was darning ( one of Steve 's , though Steve hadn 't been about to point it out to him ) . Bucky shook his head and ran his hand over his face . " Christ , I don 't know . I 'm just - things got me on edge . " The radio murmured at them softly about Hitler 's terrifying progress . The Battle of Britain . " You think about what it must be like , to be over there ? " asked Bucky , softly . The darning egg and the sock sat forgotten in his lap . He was staring out into nothing . Hey , hope the pictures I sent make it through . Figured you 'd want something new . Or you can at least trade them for something . Don 't know how hard these are to come by . Don 't say it . Happy birthday . Christmas present is still coming . Steve was a damn menace . On his birthday , he said nothing to anyone , because the drill sergeant had been a complete dick to the two guys who 'd had birthdays since they showed up . No extra pushups for him , please and thanks . He did have the chance to get away to Hinesville for a beer , not just down to the store but all the way into town , which was great . None of the guys wanted to come with , because they 'd pulled some dumb shit the last time and the bartender threatened to clock them if they came back . Bucky felt a little uneasy being singled out in any way - even if it was because he wasn 't getting threats from a bear of a man who couldn 't get five steps out from behind the bar before he started gasping for air - but it was okay . The girl wasn 't there . Neither was Georgie . He nursed his beer again and , even though he was feeling broke as hell , got himself a slice of pie . His Christmas present showed up . Well , two of them , one from his family and one from Steve . The present from his family was a whole bunch of candy bars , just a box full of them , with a couple of smallish books jammed in there . Goldmine . The present from Steve came two days later ( but still before Christmas ) , a smaller box and a little beat up . Bucky almost pretended he was going to wait until Christmas to open it , but he gave in immediately and opened it to find that Steve , that clever punk , somehow managed to send him several pairs of socks and underwear , and a book on engineering that looked like a real snoozer , and in a hollowed - out Bible , there was a flask full of whisky . Good whisky . Bucky would have asked how , but he would have been afraid of what the answer would be . Christ , if they started searching the packages better it was going to be a crying shame . The letter was a little - more personal , this time . And longer . Steve wrote It 's cold as hell , I hope Georgia is less godawful . It 's so cold I 've got every blanket in the place piled up and I 'm still cold . You 'd be so mad at me if you were here , but I haven 't gotten sick ySteve always signed things Sincerely , Steve Rogers , which was kind of hilarious , as if Steve couldn 't be insincere as hell when he wanted to be . So Bucky skipped the postcard and wrote a real letter , over three nights before lights - out , and mailed it . Christmas dinner at the Barnes ' meant ham with a mustard and brown sugar crust , cloves pushed in , and also Harold 's eyes on Steve whenever he thought Steve wasn 't looking , a narrow , calculating stare . The big story in the paper the day before had been a feared German attack on the British on Christmas Day , but they 'd had the radio on almost all day and there hadn 't been a word about it , so that was one bullet dodged . If the Germans attacked Britain with ground troops - that didn 't bear thinking about , but kids like Bucky would end up getting into the mix , he was sure . But Harold wasn 't going to want to hear that . Steve kept his mouth shut as much as he could . He tried to just ask the girls about how things were going , but then he noticed Harold 's sharp eyes darting back and forth between Steve and Alice and he had the sudden , horrifying thought that he was old enough that Harold might think he and Alice - good Lord , like he 'd be able to support a fam - no . After that he just gave up on talking altogether . After dinner , Harold asked if he wanted to stay and have a cigar . Steve pled out by saying he needed to get some work done on a new commission and escaped into the chill . He could hear the girls singing in the kitchen as the door shut behind him . Steve had the postcards tucked in a neat pile on the kitchen counter , but the letter was nicer . Better . Definitely longer , at any rate . It came after Christmas , before New Year 's , when the city had that Twelve Days feel still hovering over it . Boot camp is for suckers . You should not be trying to come here , you would die of boredom before the work killed you . Thanks for the packages , they are just what the doctor ordered . Nobody around here can cook for shit . We eat like dogs . Actually , dog food might be better . And thanks for the tree . It gets pretty bare around here . We have been put to work building things but I think this might actually be a real swamp . There are forests around but they are not good for much . Send some drawings of the neighborhood . Or pretty girls . Or both . And if you can find any gum , that would be good . There is a store we can walk to but they only have one kind and it is like chewing on a blown - up tire . What kind of store has one kind of gum ? It cannot be good for business . They must know we got nowhere else . P . S . Shut up , I can hear the jokes from here . Yes , I am a Private . For now . Hoping to get bumped to Private First Class soon just so I can hear some new jokes . Steve propped his chin up on his hand , reading it over dinner that night , which was potatoes ( again ) . He drank some milk from the bottle - cream skimmed that morning , put in the potatoes - and looked out the window . Might as well do the view from here . He grabbed some paper and a pencil , and started doing the buildings on the other side of the street . Pretty girls would be easy enough . " Ladies , " sang out the drill sergeant , " get your lily - white powdered asses out here in three . " " Laaaaaadies , " mimicked Moose - his real name was Walter , but he was built like one - in a falsetto . " Christ , I wish he 'd give it a rest . " " Why , darlin ' ? " asked Homer in his thick drawl . " You don 't like his tender gentle manner with us ? " Moose snorted as he jammed his feet into his boots . " I don 't like anything about that cocksucking asshole . " Bucky said , looping the bootlaces around his hand , " Let 's get a move on . He said three , you know he 's going to be an asshole about it if we 're not out in two . " There was a time it all lined up . He went to the bar . None of the guys were there , but Georgie was , and he made a point of catching his eye when the bartender 's back was turned and tipping his head toward the door a little . Georgie nodded , barely , and finished his drink and headed out . A minute later Bucky finished his and headed out , too . Georgie waited at the end of the street , outside of the light . They didn 't walk all the way back to the shacks . This was a town but it was a hick town , and they didn 't have to go far to find woods . Georgie charged for his time , and he made sure Bucky knew it . When Bucky nodded , tightly , Georgie smiled and instead of kissing him , he just palmed Bucky through his pants . When Bucky throttled off the gasp , Georgie grinned like Bucky 'd done something good . He got down on his knees easily , and he blew Bucky likBasic must be over by now . How was it ? Is it easier now , or do they just keep right on yelling ? Teaching classes is going really well . My students are interesting , some of them are even good , and so far I haven 't gotten hit with a single spitball . Feel free to make any jokes you like about the life models and nudity . I would say get it out of your system but something tells me that will never happen . Steve was re - reading A Farewell to Arms . He figured he probably hadn 't liked it as a kid because he hadn 't understood it very well - maybe it would make more sense on a second try , and anyway , he had the book . They didn 't have that many books , Ma hadn 't had much time for reading them , and it just made sense to read what they had when he was too tired to go to the library . This time it still felt heavy , like trying to read it ground him down . " That priest . It isn 't me that makes fun of him . It is the captain . I like him . If you must have a priest have that priest . He 's coming to see you . He makes big preparations . " " Yes , we are . You are really an Italian . All fire and smoke and nothing inside you . You only pretend to be an American . We are brothers and we love each other . " Bucky got leave to go home for a visit early in the spring . Just forty - eight hours but he 'd take it . He sent word to his mom and , separately , to Steve . Steve showed up to meet him at the station . He looked thinner , which , it wasn 't like he had a lot of fat on him to lose in the first place . He was wearing the same damn jacket over the same damn sweater and the same damn shirt . Bucky threw his arms around Steve in a bear hug so massive Steve 's breath came out in a little hrk but Steve squeezed him back as hard as he could , a quick hug but a powerful one . They stepped back and Steve said , " Going to try to turn some heads in that uniform ? " Bucky grinned at him , lopsided , feeling like his mouth didn 't work anymore . " Ain 't got time for that , " he said . " Just here to impress my mom . " He pulled off his hat when they went into the station , headed back for the el . Steve 's eyes slid over to him - well , the hat was instinct by now , hell , it had been months . You learned quick not to keep getting screamed at for the same old thing . His shoes looked pretty good , he kept one pair of them polished to a high shine and just barely touched up the others that he mostly wore . He 'd worn the more scuffed - up ones but for a minute he kind of wished he 'd gone for the ones like mirrors . " How was the train ? " " Not bad . Quiet . Got a nap in . " " You 'll need it . I think Alice is going to be in hysterics by the time you get back . " Bucky tried to imagine Alice in hysterics . " I doubt it . " Steve bumped his shoulder companionably as they walked . The el was on the crowded side , hot , smelling of metal and smoke and perfume . Steve and Bucky were standing so close every time the carriage shuddered it knocked Steve up against Bucky , even though he was holding onto a strap . They didn 't talk much on the way home . Bucky was thinking about asking , Did you try again , you numbskull ? but Steve was still here , wasn 't he , so even if he had they 'd still had some sense . You do anything stupid ? But who was he to talk . At the BBucky shrugged . " Not a lot of time for friends when you 're up at ass o ' clock every morning and busting your hump all day . " " Ah , well , " said his dad . " I remember when I was working for the Army , it seemed like the guys made some pretty good friends for life . Maybe that will happen for you . " Steve found himself choking on the words He already has one but let them go . He almost never came over when Harold was going to be home - and who would , who would want to , with what a sour son of a bitch Harold could be sometimes . And it was something , wasn 't it , that Steve kept thinking he 'd be happier if it was him and Bucky just listening to the radio over at his place , maybe if Bucky got the hell out of that uniform , stopped sitting like he had a steel beam in place of a spine . " How are you settling in ? " asked Steve , trying to contribute something , anything . " Not much settling to do . We get our space , you know , and we all kind of have things we do . Lots of reading . We swap books . Thanks for the Lincoln book , that ate some time . " " You sent a book ? " asked Harold . " Yeah , biography of Abe Lincoln , " said Steve . " Must have been a good read . " " I hope so . " Bucky coughed a little . " Yeah . Say , Dad , how 's the sales ? " " Oh , good . Can 't complain too much . We 're a little down from last month , but it 's probably just people worrying over the war . " " Well , " said Winnie , " it 's not like that 's unreasonable . There 's so much happening so fast . " Harold sniffed . " I still think Britain is going to keep it under control . " " Yeah , I don 't know about that , " said Bucky . " Seems like there might be more there that they can handle . " " Hitler 's just a bully . He 's all puffed up about nothing . " " There 's been bigger bullies who did a lot more than Hitler 's tried so far , " said Steve . Alice stabbed at her pork chop viciously . " Can we just talk about something that isn 't war ? For once ? " " Of course , dear , " said Winnie . " Tell your brother about your dance coming up ! SheSteve had a hard time sleeping that night , tossing and turning , the ugly low rage at the war ( and at Harold , and the world , and his own body ) burning right behind his breastbone , and something else , which he had never named before and did not intend to start now . He said a Hail Mary , and then another , the tempo dragging out slower and slower in his mind , until he slipped into sleep without quite realizing it . The next time he woke up , the sky was light . Bucky slept in his old bed that night . It had gone to Alice when he moved out , but she was returned to her old place with Angelica for the night , and his room seemed smaller and noisier than he remembered . Trucks kept rumbling by all night , and there were lights from the street that kept prickling at his eyes . He curled up on his side after a while , thinking it was a shame to waste the privacy , first he 'd had in months . So he jerked off , silent but slow , with the luxury of time , and his mind drifted from Georgie 's mouth to - to other things , places it had no business being , but nowhere he minded in the middle of the night , when it was just him and a sleepless city . Afterwards he cleaned up ( dirty sock , real classy but no way he wanted Mom finding it in the laundry , he 'd take care of it himself back at camp ) and fell into a light , shaky sleep . Bucky came by after breakfast , like he said he would . He knocked on the door while it was still early - Steve had dragged on a pair of pants and a shirt earlier , and was just sitting drinking a cup of mostly - cold tea by the time the knock came . There were bags under his eyes . He hadn 't slept well , either , great . " Hey , " Steve said . " Come on in . " Bucky had brought his bag , and he dropped it next to his chair at the table . Steve got a second mug of tea and pushed it across the table to him . " Thanks , " said Bucky . He just held the mug under his nose for a minute , breathing the steam . " How 's your mom doing ? " " Oh , she 's okay . She cried a little , you know , her only boy back off to the races . " Bucky 's smile diHey , Steve . I don 't know if I can tell you where I am but it sure as shit is not Paris . The trip was fine , big damn boat , had a little stop - over in a place where they really like their Queen . I did not get seasick at all . Had a visitor or two but they did not get to make a trip back to Papa Fuhrer courtesy of our pals . Got pretty tired of being cooped up though . Well , we are not exactly cooped up now . There is almost too much space . I don 't really know what to do with myself most of the time . It is nice , though , the guys we are working with have books , so I am finally getting around to reading some things . I am missing that Abe Lincoln book pretty hard now . It is all books about crime and detectives and most of them don 't even have any parts that would make a nun blush . I don 't know how long we will be here but if you send letters they should get here . Victory mail is fastest . Probably . Sometimes I see whole bales of the stuff go by so it is not like it is on a regular timetable . He didn 't write about England , a cobble - stone lined alley , a rough brick wall with his back pressed up against it , and he didn 't write about the landings . The water made being loaded down with heavy equipment even worse . Christ , nobody thought these things through . That was the first time he saw a man die , bullet hole puncturing his uniform , surprised look on his face , a kid he didn 't even know who couldn 't have been more than nineteen tumbling forward into the knee - deep water when he 'd barely gotten down off the ramp . But they made it through the landing , stumbling up to safety sopping wet and hauling the godawful packs , and eventually got themselves set up , working with the Brits . The sun in Tunisia was so bright . It wasn 't like the sun in Brooklyn . One of the British guys wiped his forehead on a hot , boring afternoon , and said , " What I wouldn 't give for a good fog right now . " " A good what ? " asked an American sitting near him - Ralls - and laughed . " Fog , that 's a good lad , " said the British guy scathingI 'm a Corporal now . Figured I should tell you . Not much in the way of dirty jokes about that one . Not much you can send me anymore , either . Never thought I would miss your godawful cookies from Basic but wow , do I ever . But if even letters aren 't making it over I would bet dollars to donuts we are never going to see any food anybody sends . It is getting dark . I better finish this up . The sun goes out like a light around here and we can 't leave any lights outside on or the enemy will spot us . I miss Brooklyn so bad . I miss you . Take care . He put it in the queue for censorship before he could think better of it . Steve went to an exhibition , of sorts , in the city . It was out in the open air , in the plaza . It was called The Nature of the Enemy , which he could be pretty sure of as that was a sculpture in black letters that were several feet high , and it was a series of exhibits intended to show citizens the horrors they were working against . The Militarization of Children . The Desecration of Religion . Slave Labor . Abolition of Justice . Concentration Camps . Suppression of Thought . Buy a Bond and Sign the Bomb . Sign the Block - Buster Headed For Hitler . Steve couldn 't afford a bond , and signing a bomb seemed - well . Probably good for morale , but still . Vindictive . And that wasn 't a good way to go into this . If you were going to set out to kill someone , to end a human life , you had to do it with a clear head . You had to know what it was you meant to achieve through it . Otherwise , you weren 't any better than the cartoonishly evil Nazi with a puffed - up chest and wrinkled shirt sitting in the judge 's seat in the Abolition of Justice display , facing down a noble - looking man who might bear a sideways resemblance to Steve , as Steve sometimes was in his fantasies : tall and straight - backed , despite the way his wrists were crossed loosely behind his back , dwarfed by the kangaroo court . The Militarization of Children display kept drawing his eye back , over and over again . Kids had it hard in the war . He knew that . But there was something about the figures in their gas masks , lined up in a row , rifles over their shoulder and still in short pants , that got to him . The quotes at the bases probably weren 't accurate . He hoped . Then again , in a world where everyone had gone insane , maybe they were . Maybe Goering had said " Our business is not to do justice but to destroy and exterminate . " Maybe Goebbels had said " The people who criticize us should consider themselves lucky to still be alive . It would be too much of a good thing if those who live at our mercy should be allowed to criticize . " The huge pictures at the end - he couldn 't stop looking at the ships in flames . Transport ships , like the ones that kept ghosting in to Brooklyn , sitting and waiting where people could peer down at them off the bridge if they didn 't mind getting hassled by cops . Bucky was - and so many others . They were huge ships . How many men did they hold ? How many men had already gWork is good . Brooklyn is pretty quiet . Stark 's got some kind of new automatic thing he 's testing out , supposed to replace the trolleys . The museum job is great . I 'm actually teaching a couple of classes , so I get to work with some older people who are just starting , plus some people who are a bit farther along . It 's really nice to see things through their eyes . Reminds me what it feels like when you start being able to make your drawings actually look like real things . I know you 're probably keeping busy . The papers are full of the war right now , so I feel like I have a pretty good handle on where you 're likely to be , which is nice . Your mom invited me over for lunch last week so I went . She just wanted to talk about you . Don 't worry , I kept to the party line . You 're doing great , it 's a picnic . Also your mom made me take about a dozen sandwiches home . I think she 's afraid I 'm going to starve to death if she doesn 't feed me , doesn 't matter how many times I tell her the teaching actually pays okay . There are new crappy movies out every week about the war . I keep wondering what you would think if you saw them . Do you ? Are there movies out there ? So you can stop worrying I 'm not eating , Bucky heard , in Steve 's voice , and your mom is doing fine . Which he knew , she wrote all the time , and he had a letter from her that had come in at the same time . But he 'd opened Steve 's first . Do you have a new nickname over there or do they stick with Bucky ? I ran into a guy on leave and he said everybody gets nicknames , his is Short Stack . It 's not nice but it is accurate . He said I would definitely get nicknamed Shorty . Still not moving , though . Same address . You know Sister Anne who was Mrs . Murtaugh 's husband 's sister ? She passed away last week . I feel like a jerk but I 'm sure she 's still going to haunt my dreams when I 'm afraid I 've done something bad . Sometimes I wake up and my knuckles ache . Before he got through the stack , his Sergeant came around and said , " Bucky , come here , we need to go over some requisitions . " He was good at math , so he 'd been getting suckered into helping with the calculations . " Yes , sir , " he said , and got up off his bed . He dropped his cigarette into the sand and ground it in with his boot . The letters , he shoved under his pillow for later . Steve met a soldier on his way home from visiting his mother 's grave . The soldier was standing on the el platform , looking confused , trying to read the signs . Steve said , " Can I help you get somewhere ? " He looked around and smiled , a big grin , his eyes taking in Steve . " Yeah , if you could tell me how the heck I 'm supposed to get to the St . George Hotel ? " " You 're almost there , actually , " said Steve . And somehow that turned in to getting invited for drinks , and he figured , what the hell , so he went . When he walked in with the soldier - Mel , he 'd insisted on - he felt the hair on the back of his neck rise . " You don 't mind it , do you ? " asked Mel , anxiously . " My buddies just told me this was our kind of place . " " No , it 's fine , " said Steve , mouth running ahead without him . He 'd known - he knew it was this kind of place . But it was one thing to know it was around and another thing to go in , with a soldier , who was tall and willowy and dark - haired and who had his hand on Steve 's elbow to steer him through the crowd , up to the huge bar on one side . This side - this side seemed to be where - our kind of guys were standing . " Hey ! Bill ! " Mel called over the chatter . Bill turned out to be a brawny Midwestern guy with a flat Kansas voice , and when they were introduced Bill 's eyes dipped below Steve 's waist before coming back up to his face , and Steve couldDear Steve , No letters yet , but then we are in a whole new place so maybe the mail has not caught up with us yet . Hope you are making some progress on that mural . It sounded like a lot of work but I know they will be happy with it . Steve felt a guilty twinge . He could tell Bu - no . No , he wasn 't going to tell Bucky . He could feel it already in his gut . Bucky would worry , and Steve might not get selected , and if Bucky ended up worrying about him while he ended up back in Brooklyn anyway , what good did that do ? So he wrote back and made something up about the mural , and talked mostly about things in the national news . " Squad , halt ! That flag means we 're only at the halfway point . First man to get that flag gets to ride back with Agent Carter . " Steve watched the other men scramble , Hodge dragging himself as far up the pole as he could manage . Steve was still bent mostly double , dragging in as much air as he could get , hands braced on his knees . Once everyone else had given up and started to fall in , he walked over to it . He went straight for the linchpin and gave it a good tug . The pole came down smoothly , and he grabbed the flag . The sergeant stood there looking gobsmacked . Agent Carter in the Jeep was obviously trying not to laugh , looking back over her shoulder , her hair shining in the light . " Thank you , sir , " he said , handing it over , and hauled himself up into the Jeep . Carter 's smile got bigger , and he watched sidelong as she tried not to laugh , curling her lips in around it . On the way back , she didn 't talk to him much , thank God , he had no idea what to say to her . You 're the most beautiful woman I 've ever seen and I love the way you punch men taller than you weren 't great conversation starters . But she did say , " How did Dr . Erskine find you ? " " I 'm not sure , ma ' am , " he said . " I was trying to enlist , and he was kind enough to come in and have a few words with me . " " I can imagine , " she said , and let it go . Learning how to drive could have gone better . Steve was a city boy . If he needed to go somewhere , there was always the el , the subway , transit around every corner . Who needed to drive ? ( Every once in a while Bucky had driven him places in the family car , that big metal boat gliding around corners . ) The jeDear Steve , I 'm in fog country again , but it is not that bad out right now . Some of the locals are telling me this is enough summer . I would have to cordially disagree . But at least it does not get sweltering , like it always did back home . I do not miss being about a million degrees and sleeping on your crappy roof . We are probably headed for action in the not too distant future , so any prayers you feel like saying for my soul ( or paying someone else to say ) would be in order . There are great chaplains over here , really . I missed them when I was back home . The priests back there have no idea . There are things it is tough to ask for absolution for . I don 't think there is any amount of Hail Marys that would get me out of this one . I hope you are safe and well . Mom says in her last letter that you have not been by in a couple days . She worries . Of course she worries , but I mean you need to eat and it 's not like she isn 't cooking for everybody anyway . Love , " Steven , " said Dr . Erskine , " a moment , if you please . " " Yes , sir , " said Steve , setting aside his book and sitting up . It was evening - after dinner - and he 'd been looking forward to this chapter , on formations for land battles . But Dr . Erskine wasn 't someone he wanted to keep waiting . Dr . Erskine came to sit on the cot next to his , and said , evenly , " Steven , I have made the choice of who to select for the experiment . " " Oh , " said Steve , whose heart was suddenly thundering again . Dr . Erskine looked grave and that meant - he wasn 't - was he . Christ . Back home again , this time without a job or an apartment . They 'd taken him this far , maybe they 'd let him - sort mail , or something , a desk job . Anything . He 'd beg . " Will you do it ? " Erskine 's eyebrows lifted a little , at the end , and the note in his voice was profoundly sad . It took a long minute for Steve to process that , and then , through the blood rushing in his ears , he said , " Yeah . Yes . Of course . " " You may die , " said Dr . Erskine . " In fact , it is quite likely . This will not be the first time this has been tested on a human . Previous tests were not successful . " " I don 't care , " said Steve . Dr . Erskine still looked sad , but he smiled a little , and said , " I did not think you would . " Hodge just about had an apoplexy when he found out , but the rest of the guys were pretty decent about it . They got shipped out almost immediately . He didn 't know what happened to most of them . The idea that they were going to Italy next didn 't really sink in for Bucky until they were on ships . This was familiar , at least . The long chug out to sea , high in the north so the air was frosty on his face , and then the turn back , so they could slide into the Mediterranean , that was a little new , but the constant high - alert hum of waiting for the Jerries to spot them - any minute now . Any minute now there 'd be the scream of a torpedo . There 'd be a U - boat . It was just a matter of time . The hours dragged by . They got close , and closer . Bucky " If it could work only once , he 'd be proud it was you . " He looked over at her , and she looked up , back , at him . He had a fragmentary image of kissing her - it would be so - but his arm stung from the needle . He could feel his body trying to heal around the mark already . Arguing with Phillips about whether he should be part of the team tracking down HYDRA was useless . " I asked for an army and all I got was you . You are not enough . " The Senator walked up after Phillips had moved away . He was jiggling his hat in his hand , looking smug and sly . " With all due respect to the Colonel , I think we may be missing the point . I 've seen you in action , Steve . More importantly , the country 's seen it . Paper ! " The aide handed him one . " Enlistment lines have been around the block since your picture hit the newsstands . You don 't take a soldier , a symbol like that , and hide him in a lab . Son , " clapping his hand on Steve 's shoulder , " do you want to serve your country on the most important battlefield of a war ? " " Sir , that 's all I want . " " Then congratulations . " He shook Steve 's hand . " You just got promoted . " Steve breathed out hard . " I don 't know if I can do this . " " Nothing to it . Sell a few bonds , bonds buy bullets , bullets kill Nazis . Bing , bang , boom , you 're an American hero . " " It 's just not how I pictured getting there . " " The Senator 's got a lot of pull up on the Hill . You play ball with us , you 'll be leading your own platoon in no time . Take the shield . Go ! " And the guy shoved him through the curtains . If this was a test , well , why not ? There had been tests before . So Steve started practicing . He worked on his lines when he was pretty sure he was alone ; and then , he started working on them in front of the girls . They made him sand down the Brooklyn edges . " Nobody wants to hear a hero who sounds like a street rat , " said Gertie . She 'd had professional elocution lessons , and she taught him to make his os sound round and high - class , to make sure he stopped dropping gs on the ends of words . " Project , " she said , a command , " enunciate . " He had never thought , before , about how much work had to go into a sentence to make it sound sincere . He kept thinking about Bucky , smiling and cocky as all hell , and how Bucky would put that on and take it off when it suited him . And how long had it been ? How long had Bucky been doing that ? Not when they were kids , no , he 'd learned it , picked it up somewhere along the way . When they were teenagers , maybe . By the time he started - no , by the time Steve was - no . He couldn 't pin it down . There had to be a time , though . There had to be a division between the Bucky he remembered standing there in the street with a ball in his hand , and the Bucky he remembered walking away from him at the Expo . When had Bucky started putting it on when it was just them ? He must have , because it had been - it had been a shock when he hadn 't , when they came home that last time , Bucky 's hand on his face . The look on Bucky 's face . " We can 't all drive tanA big hand on his cock , a big cock under his hand He came biting the back of his other hand , hard . It was never quite like that again . Steve got a letter forwarded to him while he was on the road , which was maybe more than he really wanted the US Army to do for him . It was short , scribbled really , V - mail with two addresses crossed out on the envelope . Bucky said , Well , we won . Sicily is all Allied now . Have not gotten any letters in a while , the mail out here is atrocious . Mom 's are coming through , though , and she says she has not heard from you in ages . Are you ok ? Let me know . He saw Julia seeing him holding an envelope , and she raised her eyebrows , but didn 't say anything - put her index finger up in front of her mouth . He felt a wash of relief and gratitude . In Catania , Bucky thought to himself , Christ , I hope they didn 't take him . And when he talked to the chaplain , he said as much . He said , " I want us to win as much as anybody , but I want him out of it . I want him safe . He 's my best friend . " " Friendship is very important , son , " the chaplain said . " It is one of the things that can sustain the soul through times like these . I believe in my heart that your friend is writing , and that his letters are delayed , but if that is not the case , then he has good reasons . " " Yeah , " said Bucky , " see , good reasons are exactly what I 'm afraid of . " " Who 's strong and brave , here to save the American Way ? " A couple of the meaner girls thought it was funny to whisper dirty things to him backstage , right before a show , to see if they could make Captain America blush and stutter . It only got to him the first couple of times ; after that , he learned to listen to whispers of You ever thought about the crowd seeing you naked , staring at your cock ? and You ever come on a pair of big , sweet titties , Cap ? without flinching . It was an education . " Maybe you are a virgin , " said Sylvia , settling back into the bench . The truck 's engine rumbled under them . " Maybe I never said that , " said Steve , comfortably . It was an act , but he was getting better at that . She glanced sideways at him and snorted in disbelief . " You 're really something , " she said , and it wasn 't a compliment , or even an insult , necessarily . " Not all of us can storm a beach or drive a tank , but there 's a still a way all of us can fight . " When Julia figured out he didn 't know how to dance - at all - she took pity on him , and taught him a couple of easy steps while they were up late , trying to adjust to a new time zone . Most of the girls were sacked out already , and it was just Steve and Julia in the little kitchen . ( Steve didn 't sleep much , couldn 't seem to sleep on a schedule anymore , so when one of the girls couldn 't sleep she had decent odds of finding him , usually making himself a sandwich - he couldn 't sleep but God could he eat , he could eat all day and night . It made him feel selfish and a little sick , but the new body burned it all like a furnace . ) " No , see , " she said , wrapping his hand around her waist , which was tightly encased in a girdle - he could feel it slick and unyielding under the thin fabric of her dress , " you have to hold like this and then step this way - come on , you have to lead . I 'm trying to show you how you lead , you can 't just do what I 'm doing . " He sighed . " You sure you want to do this ? " " It 's fine , " she said , shaking her head a little , the curlers wiggling under the headscarf . " Just don 't step on my feet . Or loan me your boots if you can 't help it . " He stepped on her toes , but didn 't break anything , and she was very nice about it . " Who vows to fight for what 's right , night and day ? " As the newspapers picked him up , there was a steady increase in public attention . More and more people , mostly women , waiting at stage doors . Things to sign , babies to kiss . He did it all , smiling the whole time . " You have to smile with your eyes , " said Marlene , " or you look like the insincere fucker you really are . " He smiled with his eyes . Sometimes the women got handsy . He was pulling off his cowl in the barracks tent they were staying at in this city , a divider hung up between where he and Barry were staying and the girls ' side , and he sighed and ran his hand through his hair . " Gets to you , doesn 't it ? " said Wanda . He looked up . She was stripping out of the costume with clinical efficiency in what could only be described as public space . He looked away again - maybe slower than he should - maybe on purpose . " What does ? " " All the touching . " " Yeah . " " It 's the problem with being beautiful , " she said , flashing him a smile that was all sharp white teeth as she bent over and started rolling her stockings down . " People think you 're public property . " " I think I am , " he said , " legally speaking . " She laughed out loud and grabbed her shoes up off the floor in one hand before she walked back to the girls ' side . " Series E defense bonds ! Each one you buy is a bullet in the barrel of your best guy 's gun . " A flashbulb went off in his face as he smiled at a woman whose photo of him he was signing . The picture was in the papers the next day . Slow news day . For some reason , fans liked to give him things , and one of the things he 'd been handed recently was a copy of Leaves of Grass . It made him smile - he remembered book reports on Whitman , what , ten years ago , the teacher 's conspiratorial smile , the suggestion that this material was adult but Steve would be entrusted with it . He cracked it open , and found it very different than he remembered it . When I give I give myself . He closed it , and set it aside , that night , with the lightbulb shining grimly over the barren little room he was sharing with Barry and Al . " Something bothering you ? " asked Barry , who had his nose in a new Raymond Chandler mystery . He refused to actually grow the mustache , so he was always red around the lip from the spirit gum . " Nah , " said Steve . " Just , I had to read this book in school . " " Oh , those are no good . Just leave it behind . " He didn 't . He opened it again on the road the next day . " Looks like you 're getting your wish , " he said to Phyllis . " They 're going to do a couple of movie spots for newsreels . " She grinned . " Can 't wait . " It turned out there were fewer chorus girls in the movie shorts , but they still got their faces in a couple , and Steve liked the change of pace . It felt awkward at first , but he got used to the bandolier of bullets draped across his chest , walking in place in front of a projection screen , crouching in front of prop tanks that couldn 't have limped across a studio . Besides , he was already used to the makeup process , and it was nice to have somebody else to do it for him . " Cut ! Guys , don 't look at the camera . " On a break , one of the grips brushed up against him at the snack table . He glanced up , ready to apologize , but the set of the man 's face , the ways his eyes roamed down before coming back up to meet his , suggested it had not been accident . The words died on his lips , and there was a long minute before the grip shrugged and smiled and said , " Sorry , Cap , " and walked off . When he went to a screening for the longest movie , he slumped down in his seat , but he couldn 't quite keep the smile off his face . What a fine , silly thing , Steve Rogers in the movies . That night he picked up the book again . He kept setting it down and not picking it up again for days at a time , maybe a week . Sometimes reading it felt like a physical blow , like he had to bear up under it . And those well - tann 'd to those that keep out of the sun . " Steve ? Steve . " " Hmm ? Yeah , sorry , " he said , looking up . Al was frowning at him . " I wanted to know if you 're going to wear the helmet for the bit tomorrow . " " Yeah , I think so . Right ? It goes with that number - " " Yeah , yeah , I think so . " Bucky knew one of the guys in the company was a fairy . Hell , everybody knew . He didn 't even try to hide it - he was the chaplain 's assistant , knew how to sing , sewed half the costumes for the shows the guys put on . Sometimes Bucky would see him on his knees behind the canteen , the fabric of somebody 's slacks puddled around their ankles on the ground , but he always looked away , always made himself walk away . Nobody gave the guy shit . Mostly . Yet . " We all know this is about trying to win the war . We can 't do that without bullets and bandages , tanks and tents . That 's where you come in . Every bond you buy will help protect someone you love and keep our boys on the ready . The Germans will think twice about trying to get the drop on us . " He turned around and punched Barry , who was really an entirely adequate Hitler , to a cymbal crash . The chorus girls were all smiles , lacing their hands together over their hearts . He hoisted the motorcycle loaded with three chorus girls over his head , and there were thundering sound effects for fake artillery fire . Everything was so bright , brightly colored , beautiful . Nothing like the grim backstages , mildewing carpet , smell of diesel on the truck . He was trying to fall asleep , lying in the swaying truckbed , and he thought , I wonder what real artillery fire is like , and thought I should send , and knew he wasn 't going to . Have you ever loved the body of a woman ? Sitting in a hastily thrown - together theater in Catania , really an overgrown tent with ideas above its station , Bucky settled in to watch a war movie . There were a couple of shorts first . A newsreel , and then some promotional something , with a guy who was - well , built like a brick shithouse . Flailing a shield around . Captain America . They didn 't take long thinking that one up , and what was going on with that stupid hood with little wings on the side ? But the guy , he looked like something out of Steve 's old bodybuilding magazines . And if Steve had ever had any notion what Bucky borrowed them for - well . Sure . Exercises . Some of them a little more for the forearm than others . He tried to pay attention to the plot , but it was tough . And not really worth it . Sitting in his bunk after one of the shows , Steve wasn 't even sure which city they were in . There were a lot of states , and he 'd been criss - crossing them , never more than a couple of days in the same one . Always on to another city , another show . He stared at the paper . It had been too long , way too long . Bucky was worried about him . Bucky was in Sicily , Bucky was probably bored out of his mind now that the Germans had retreated . ( God , he hoped Bucky was bored . ) He started . Dear Bucky . That part was easy . I 'm sorry it 's been taking me so long to write . I 've been pretty busy , and I 'm tired , but I am safe . So far so good , no raids on Brooklyn . With everything getting rationed , I figured maybe I should change digs . I have a neighbor who makes sure I get my mail , though , so keep sending it to the old address . I might move again pretty soon so there 's no use giving you the new one , I 'd just have to change it again . This way I just have to keep one person updated . When he got the letter and saw Steve Rogers on the envelope , Bucky let out a breath he 'd been holding every day at mail call for weeks . He wasn 't dead . Okay . And the return address was - huh , somewhere in bumfuck Nevada ? Well , whatever . Maybe Steve was taking a road trip or something . Helping somebody paint a mural , what the fuck ever . The letter didn 't clarify that much , and Bucky flipped the envelope back over and glared at the tiny print . Half - smeared , like Steve wanted to make sure he didn 't know where it was coming from . He checked it against the second address . No . They wouldn 't take him . He asked one of the guys from Nevada where the town was and whether there was a base near there . There wasn 't . That was good . There was a sketch in the margin that had come through the microfilm transfers , light and a little broken but still there . It was Steve giving him the thumbs - up . He shook his head - such a punk kid - but that was the one he stuffed in his pocket , alongside his cigarettes . The USO shows were nice , always a distraction . It could get hard to hear sometimes , with all the guys - thousands of them , tens of thousands - crammed into stadiums that had been half - bombed out . Messina wasn 't any different , but the guy on stage was doing enough slapstick that Bucky didn 't need to be able to hear perfectly to get the gist . The Tommies had rolled out the day before , a line of tanks leaving town , and everybody knew it was going to be their turn shortly . The guy on stage was introduced as the Clown Prince of Baseball , and he did a bunch of skits about things going wrong at a game . He started off by asking if there were any guys from Brooklyn there , and when a guy just a couple rows down from Bucky stood up and waved vigorously , somebody else yelled something uncomplimentary about the Dodgers and they got a solid five minutes of material out of that . He laughed , hard , and it felt rusty but good . The next morning , they were on the move . The offensive up the peninsula wasn 't good . But it was better than AfricWithout shame the woman I like knows and avows hers . When they got to Italy , they started in the south , where it had been safe the longest . They worked their way up , the girls singing and dancing as Steve bellowed patriotic things . The girls were more popular than Steve pretty much everywhere , but then again , they had better legs . Where Steve actually did okay was in the hospitals . He 'd stop in , and smile , and somebody would take pictures of him with the guys who were laid up . He saw guys missing limbs - well , missing just about everything , especially the basket cases . No arms or legs left . Just had to get carted around in baskets like babies in bassinets . He did sketches for them , which it turned out they loved . Artists would come through sometimes and do drawings , sometimes caricatures , sometimes taking requests , and Steve was enough of an artist to make it work . He drew more than a few pin - up girls while he was there , but he mostly drew the boys - their faces , still animated and bright while they talked about their favorite baseball teams or what celebrities were up to , something they 'd been reading in Stars and Stripes or the weekly . He could always get a laugh out of them by bemoaning the fate of the Dodgers . Some of them said they were keeping the sketches , but most said they were going to send them home . So maybe he wasn 't the hero he 'd dreamed . At least the hospitals were something . The reek of carbolic acid reminded him of his ma , anyway , and there were more than a few minutes he lost slipping into memories that felt bright and soft - edged , her voice humming something he could just barely remember in their kitchen . Her bare feet padding across the floor in the night when she 'd come in with her shoes off , trying not to wake him up . " Orchids to Captain America , " ran a page two item in Stars and Stripes , " for knowing when to keep his mouth shut ; he hasn 't tried to kiss any babies or baby - faced doughboys since starting his whirlwind tour of Italy , but he has drawn some nice pictures for our boys in the hospital . We think some of them might not pass the censor , and that 's reason enough to be glad the guy in the winged hood is out here , even if he isn 't punching any Nazis in the face . " Marlene read it to him and said , " You believe the nerve ? Not even mentioning us . " " They just couldn 't figure out the words to say how lovely and charming and talented you were . " " They better find some , " she said , and laughed , leaning back on the bus bench . It was making Steve 's ass go numb , but she sprawled out like she owned it . " Marlene , " he said , " you 're a rare treasure . Never change . " But when I hear of the brotherhood of lovers , how it was with them , Then I am pensive - I hastily look away fill 'd with the bitterest envy . He called in a favor , through Al 's oblique channels , and when Marlene opened up the paper four days later she laughed out loud . " Steve , you asshole , " she said , fondly . " Whatever do you mean ? " he asked , raising his eyebrows . " There 's a letter from a Pfc . Rogers about how the best part of the Captain America show is the ' lovely , long - legged , lithe and lissome dancers , whose voices are like the radiance of angels . ' " " Fella must have good taste . " " Don 't think I don 't know it was you , buster . " " Me ? I would never . I 'm no shill . " She smacked his leg . " Honey , if you weren 't off - limits I 'd have you for breakfast . Now get your fucking boots off my gear or I 'll slit your throat and spare the Jerries the trouble . " . . . merely of two simple men I saw to - day on the pier in the midst of the crowd , parting the parting of dear friends , While the one to depart tightly prest the one to remain in his arms . Bucky 'd been dug into a foxhole for almost a week , relief supposed to show up any fucking time now , when the fucking blue light spitting tank showed up . When the Jerries got to them , there weren 't a lot of options . Surrender or die . Bucky was a lot of things , but suicidal wasn 't one of them . So he nodded grimly to the guys , and one by one , they put their hands up . Maybe the guys in positions further back were going to get away from this one . But Bucky 'd gotten lucky a lot of times in a row , and this was it . Time was up . " For you , the war is over , " said the Jerry that captured him . Laughing . Then repeated it in German , then in English again . These ones had different uniforms than all the others they 'd seen , black and sleek . Goggles that made their eyes invisible . They hadn 't heard a lot about POW camps , but Bucky had a bad feeling as soon as he saw theirs . It wasn 't a camp , really . It was a factory . And from the beginning , the Jerries didn 't do anything the trainings said they were supposed to , which gave Bucky a real bad feeling about their odds of getting out of there alive . There were already guys there , a couple hundred at least , crammed into cages that held maybe a platoon each . When they dumped him in he was groaning , and somebody said , " Who 's the new guy ? " " Bucky , " he said , and gasped as he levered himself up to sit with his back against the cage . " Nice , " said the guy , who turned out to be Japanese - American . " That 's a stupid name . " Bucky said , " I will get back to you when I come up with a comeback for that . " " I 'll be waiting with bated breath , Ace , " said the guy . He turned out to be named Jim Morita and Bucky liked him , because Morita was always ready to give absolutely everybody shit . They got food ( barely ) and water ( regularly enough ) , and a bucket for a bathroom . They all smelled like hell all of the time , but Bucky got used to it . After being in the trenches , this was just maybe one level worse . " These men more than most . Schmidt sent out a force to Azzano . Two hundred men went up against him , and less than fifty returned . Your audience contained what was left of the 107th . " A spike of adrenaline started in his stomach before he 'd consciously registered the words , the world bottoming out . She was still talking . " The rest were killed or captured . " " The 107th ? " he said in a rush . " What ? " She was looking at him in confusion . " Come on ! " He took off across the ground , Agent Carter running behind him , holding an overcoat over her head . " Colonel Phillips ! " He was pretty much begging for the information , he knew , but he would have done worse than argue with Phillips about this . Worse than beg . Phillips finally cracked a little and said , " I have signed more of these condolence letters today than I would care to count . But the name does sound familiar . I 'm sorry . " He could feel his stage - face slipping . Get it together . Get it together . " What about the others ? Are you planning a rescue mission ? " " Yeah , it 's called winning the war . " " But if you know where they are , why not at least - " " They 're thirty miles behind the lines . Through some of the most heavily fortified territory in Europe . We 'd lose more men than we 'd save . " Phillips turned away from the map - the map . Look at the map . " But I don 't expect you to understand , because you 're a chorus girl . " Sure . Hit the sore spot . Just let me see - look at the map , look at it . Need to remember . " I think I understand just fine . " " Then understand it someplace else . If I read the posters correctly , you 've got someplace to be in thirty minutes . " " Yes , sir . I do . " He was staring at the map . Phillips hadn 't noticed . Or maybe he had , maybe this had been on purpose . Pointing it out , on the map , it was like a dare , maybe he meant for Steve to do what he couldn 't - didn 't matter . Either way . It was burned into his brain . " If you have something to say , right now 's the perfect time to keep it to yourself . " ↑ Top |
Posted on August 26 , 2016 by Chris Page Caleb scratched at the implant in his temple . Lyssa had promised it was the easiest way to steal the car but he wasn 't so sure . The transmitter wired his brain directly to the vehicle . It would be like another limb , as long as the connection held . " A bigger rush than driving " she 'd said with that same lopsided smile that had convinced him to throw in with Lyssa Nguyen and her gang in the first place . " The hardest part of the job is waiting . " he heard the scratchy growl of his father 's voice in his head . Suddenly he was thirteen again , white knuckling the wheel . His feet just barely reaching the pedals as his father tried to keep Benny 's guts from leaking all over the backseat . Caleb closed his eyes , and let the rumble of the motor chase away the feelings . He felt the vibration in his bones and smiled . A quick diagnostic check sent an extra surge of electrical current skittering across his brain . The car was as perfect as it had been the day Damien Hellridge stole it off the assembly line . Gunshots tore into the concrete around him . He hit the gas , and the car shot forward like a bullet . " Once you 're in it , you 're fine " the memory of his father 's voice came as clearly as if he was riding shotgun . " Adrenaline takes over . Be the guy who can keep his cool and you 'll always get your share of the money . " He knew his dad wouldn 't know what to make of his only son running with a gang like this . Henry Browner 's boy was better than this mixed bag of petty thieves and psychopaths . Caleb had a pretty good idea which one Lyssa was ; he just wasn 't sure he cared anymore . As the car skidded around the corner , the squeal of tires on hot pavement mixed with the screams of the Hellridge alarms filled the air around him . Caleb didn 't know when he 'd ever felt so alive . He hit the straightaway on Lawrence Street with the pedal to the floor , and for a moment got so caught up in the feeling of gliding over the broken road that he forgot to breathe . The plan itself was surprisingly simple . Lyssa 's schemes normally involved weeks of planning and intricate maneuvering by everyone involved to pull off . This time , all he had to do was get to the Exchange in time to pick up the rest of the crew after they finished robbing the joint . There was a shriek of metal on metal as a Hellridge car slammed into him . Wincing in pain , Caleb veered into a narrow alley , sending sparks flying as the sides of the car scraped against the walls . Pain crackled up his side , but he forced the car forward towards the next street . " Whatever dumb son of a bitch stole my car , I want you to know that I am going to find you , " Damien Hellridge 's broken bottle voice echoed across the radio waves . " I will scalp you , and whatever family you have . Everyone you love is going to die painfully . Nobody fucks with a Hellridge . " Caleb 's ribs popped as the Hellridges boxed him in from either side . He slammed on the brakes , causing the cars to collide in front of him . For a moment they drifted back apart from the impact . He hit the accelerator and shot forward through the gap . Behind him , the Hellridges crashed into each other again , sending glass and metal shooting across the road . He let out a long sigh of relief as the wreckage faded into the background . Another car shot up behind him , lights flashing . The radio chatter exploded . Three more joined the chase before Caleb could blink . He was so focused on the police that he missed the Hellridge car moving up to cut him off . There was a loud tooth - rattling crunch as the car collided with his left fender . Then darkness . Caleb sat in his chair staring at the dark room around him , trying to ignore the headache that was splitting his skull . " I told her to put the transmitter inside the fucking car , " he muttered , pulling over his computer . It was a lot riskier getting the damn thing inside the vehicle , but it also kept the transmitter from getting knocked off - line . Lyssa hadn 't listened to him the first dozen times , so he wasn 't sure why he was surprised that she 'd ignored him this time , too . His fingers flew over the keys . The car was dead without the transmitter . He 'd have to reboot the connection before the anyone traced the signal back to the base . The cops and Hellridges were likely shooting it out over who had rights to the car . It wouldn 't be long before whoever came out on top searched the car , and came gunning for the person at the other end of the line . He was finally able to find a weak signal from the transmitter . With a grimace , he pressed against his temple and forced the transmitter to reboot . The computer fell to the floor as the car roared to life around him . It lurched forward , sending the Hellridges that had been climbing around the outside sliding to the ground . The car had spun around from the impact . Caleb found himself staring down a mob of Hellridges and police cars . He weaved between two cop cars , smiling as they stared at the empty vehicle . A Hellridge truck flew past and slammed into the cops as they tried to turn around . Sliding to the right around another Hellridge car , Caleb the familiar rush of adrenaline . This is what he was born to do . He dodged another couple of police cars and shot off over the hill towards the Exchange . He cleared the top of the hill with a shout of joy , the car lifting briefly off the ground . Down on the street below , Damien Hellridge stared up at him , ten feet of boils , hair and bad teeth squeezed into a five foot frame . Behind him , the gang had built a wall of wrecked cars and garbage across the road , blocking off the only route to the Exchange . Caleb slammed on the brakes , skidding to a halt halfway down the hill . He threw the car into reverse and tried to think of another way around the barricade . At the top of the hill , he watched the police close in on him . Flashing lights bounced off the walls of the buildings as they sped up the hill towards him . The Hellridges followed not far behind . " Fuck it , " he said with a smile . He waited until the first car crested the hill , then hit the gas . The police followed him over the top and he slammed the brakes , watching them shoot past him and into the wall . The armored vehicles plowed through it , sending Hellridges and pieces of machinery flying through the air . Caleb smiled to himself as Lyssa climbed behind the wheel and disconnected the transmitter . The pressure in his head immediately stopped and he leaned back in his chair , trying to catch his breath . All that he had to do now was wait for the others to get back . Posted on July 29 , 2016 by Chris Page When I was a kid , I had this recurring dream where I tripped and fell in the backyard . It never hurt when I hit the ground , instead I 'd just bounce into the air . Each time I came down , I 'd bounce a little higher , a little slower . Every night , for weeks , I would go to sleep knowing that this dream was waiting for me . I 'd lay in bed , waiting for the horrible feeling of my stomach dropping out from under me with each bounce . It 's been practically burned in my memory ever since . It didn 't take long for me to start looking for ways to recreate that terrifying feeling when I was awake . I hated it , but I needed it . At first , just stepping off a high step would do it . I 'd stand on a box with my toes peeking over the edge , my heart beating a mile a minute , and feel the adrenaline pump through my body . Soon , I was leaping off ladders and fences , and even jumped off the roof of Tommy Maddox 's garage once . I couldn 't stop . The first time I saw her , I 'd just gone for my fourth round on the Terror Tower . It was a lime green monstrosity at the county fair that shot you ten stories into the air before dropping you back down again just as fast . It scared the hell out of me , leaving me short of breath and barely able to walk . I was hooked . " Is he okay ? " she asked , as my friends helped me to a bench across from the ride after my fourth time on it . I don 't remember what they said . All I remember was the beautiful girl standing in front of me . In an instant , I was lost in deep brown eyes , tight black curls , and dark skin . She placed a cool hand on the back of mine before telling me that everything would be fine . She sat down next to me on the bench , and I did my best to not throw up . I don 't think I even noticed when my friends disappeared into the crowd , leaving us alone . I sat with her for awhile in silence . It wasn 't awkward or uncomfortable , just silence . Finally she looked at me and smiled . " Tyrone . " I tried to think of all the things I wanted to say to her . The words crowded each other out in my mind . My brain was grasping for anything to keep the conversation going , convince her that I was cool . I opened my mouth , and nothing came out . Whenever I looked at her , I felt that familiar sensation in my stomach " We 've known each other since we were little . " I stared at my hands . They were shaking , but I didn 't know if it was from the Tower or from how close she was sitting . " Better than not having any friends , right ? " " If you say so , " she said , looking around at the people walking past us . A few kids barreled through the crowd on their way to the Terror Tower , and we both watched the gondola slowly climb to the top . I felt a little shudder run through my body as the car plummeted towards the ground . I closed my eyes , thinking about the rush of adrenaline as I fell , like every inch of my body was screaming at one second . " I 've been riding it all morning . Every time I come here , it 's the only thing I ride , even though it scares the hell out of me . " " I 'm not scared of heights , " I started to say , the words dying before they reached my mouth . I didn 't have a way to explain it to her . I barely understood it myself . " No , no , it 's okay , " I replied . " It 's just something that I have to do . I don 't know how else to explain it . " The line was short , and we didn 't have to wait long . They strapped us into our seats . The operator slowly made his way around the ride , checking each harness . I had a tight grip on the handle bars , and my heart was racing . Alicia 's hand settled on mine , and I felt myself relax a little . The gondola began the long climb upwards . She reached out with her other hand , and pulled my face towards hers . I focused on her dark brown eyes , and the feel of her soft skin against mine . For a minute , it felt like we were two parts of the same person . I was so focused on her that I didn 't notice when we reached the top . Staring in her eyes , I felt that familiar sensation as we dropped . She laughed at the fear on my face , but it wasn 't a mocking kind of laugh . It felt warm and inviting . In that moment , I knew why I 'd been obsessed with it , why I 'd chased this feeling over and over again . She made it all make sense . Posted on June 24 , 2016 by Chris Page Marion pulled another tooth from her shoulder with the pliers and winced . Three long teeth rested on the bathroom counter . She could hear Gary banging against the garage door . Taking a deep breath , she gritted her teeth and pulled out the last one . She dabbed peroxide onto the fresh wounds , biting her lip as it sizzled . There were going to be scars , of course , but she already had a matching set on her side and her leg . Marion offered up a silent prayer as she tightened the bandage around her shoulder . She didn 't know if she was praying for herself or Gary , anymore . She just needed it to be over . Fighting the urge to check on him , she went into the bedroom and turned up the volume on the TV as high as it could go . Blinking back tears , she reminded herself that it was still summer . He wouldn 't freeze out there . Marion was just settling down on the bed when the house plunged into darkness . Silence filled the air , the only sound was the thudding of her heart in her chest . It was too much to hope that Gary had tired himself out . He must have found the circuit breaker . She held her breath and waited . There was a loud crash as he threw his weight against the wooden door . She counted back through the steps she 'd taken to lock him in . Both deadbolts were secure . The bar had been placed over the door . There was no way he could get through . The windows had been boarded over , and the door would hold him til morning . Still , something was wrong . She hurried to the kitchen to grab a knife . It wouldn 't help against Gary , but the small bit of reassurance it gave her was better than nothing . Holding her breath , Marion moved slowly towards the door leading to the garage . Everything was still in place . A soft shuffling came from the other side of the door . There was a loud bang as the drywall in front of her pushed out from the wall . Marion froze , watching Gary 's blood - stained fist force its way through . His body followed , squeezing and contorting through the hole before falling into the hallway . Backing away , she held the knife in front of her with shaking hands . Gary craned his head up and sniffed the air . His jaw unhinged , and even in the darkened house she could see the rows of teeth that lined the roof of his mouth . The sandy brown hair on his head had fallen out in clumps , revealing slick patches of black skin . He crawled towards her , saliva dribbling to the floor from his mouth . His back rose and fell sharply with each breath , the muscles shifting under the skin . Moving faster than she expected , he grabbed her ankle . Marion crashed to the ground and he was on top of her . His big blue eyes stared into hers , and she saw the fear in them . A low keening whimper came from inside of him , even as his fingers dug into her shoulders . Marion felt the sharp pain from the earlier bite as the wounds split open . Gary lunged forward and she jammed her forearm between his teeth . He clamped down on it , and she fought back a scream as the skin bubbled where the saliva touched it . Before she could think , Marion shoved the knife up into his ribs with her other hand . Gary shuddered and collapsed . His jaw relaxed and he released her arm . Looking up at him , she saw the look of pain and betrayal in his eyes . It took a few tries to slide out from under him . He grabbed at the knife , trying to pull it out of his body , but only succeeded in making the wound larger . She leaned against the wall and tried to remember how to breathe . Marion knew he would recover , just as he had from the dozens of other wounds she 'd inflicted . A sharp , violent shock always seemed to slow him down . Forcing herself to get up , she grabbed his foot and began dragging him back to the garage . It was the longest half hour of her life . Every few feet she 'd have to stop and rest . Gary would snarl at her , occasionally snapping his jaws . He weighed so much more in this state . When she got him back to the garage door , she sighed at the trail of thick black blood on the carpet . Pulling him into the garage , Marion shivered a little despite the warm evening air . Taking several deep breaths , she hauled Gary in behind her . There was too much to do before he healed up again . She tried to force the panic to the back of her mind , get control of her shaking hands . She gave him one last glance on her way out the door . Every night he seemed to get worse . Thick , segmented skin covered his neck . Even in the darkness , she saw the shine of the dark skin that crept along his shoulders . His eyes were almost gone , covered over in the transformation . She wondered if one day they 'd disappear forever . Barring the door again , Marion stared at the hole in the wall . She was too tired to board it up . Dragging a chair from the dining room , she staggered into the bathroom and locked the door . After shoving the chair under the door knob to hold it in place , she grabbed the pliers off the counter with her good hand . It took three tries to work the first tooth free . Gritting her teeth , she dabbed peroxide on each wound , before adding the next tooth to the pile on the counter . Posted on May 27 , 2016 by Chris Page I couldn 't tell you the first time I saw him . He just appeared one day . It seemed like everyone knew about him , but nobody ever talked about him . People would see him shuffling down the street in his ruined clothes and do their best to avoid even looking at him . Some kids would joke about the smell , or the roaches that crawled over his skin , but they gave him a wide berth all the same . Mostly , I remember the bell . A loud , sharp clang that echoed in the air long after he 'd gone . It was a steady monotone , and as he passed you 'd feel your heart beat in rhythm with it . After a few seconds , the feeling would pass , and you 'd find yourself standing in perfect silence wondering what the hell just happened . My husband Brian always shivered when he came to . We 'd only been married a couple of years at that point , and if I 'd known then what I know now , I would have left that godforsaken town and taken him with me . It got so bad that when Brian heard the man coming up the street , he 'd turn and begin to walk away as quickly as he could . I used to tease him about it . He was right to be afraid . We lived a mile or so away from the town square , in a small house that Brian inherited from his parents . For the longest time , the bell ringer stayed near the town center . I remember being surprised when I saw him walking up the street in our neighborhood , the sound of his bell puncturing the air with every step . I was even more shocked when I saw Jackson Aldridge following along in lockstep behind him . At first I thought the boy was mocking him , and I had gone out to shoo him away . I didn 't much like the bell ringer , but it was important to me that the man have some dignity . When I got closer , I noticed that Jackson barely seemed awake at all . He moved forward like he was being yanked by invisible ropes . His eyes were half - closed and he was barely breathing . I stepped in between them , placing my hands on Jackson 's shoulders . This kid , who barely weighed a hundred pounds , brushed past me as though I weren 't there . I stood in the middle of the street , staring after them in shock . When they turned up the next street and out of my view , I ran back to the house to call the Aldridges . Tyler Aldridge picked up on the first ring . I know that I must have sounded crazy . I was talking a mile a minute and was still trying to catch my breath . Still , there was something odd about the calmness with which Tyler listened to my story . I could practically hear him shaking his head on the other end of the line . " Rosie , honey , I 'm sure you didn 't see Jackson . He 's at school . Why don 't you lie down for a bit . It sounds like something has you over - excited . " He hung up the phone before I could say anything else . I stared out the window for a few minutes , trying to think of a plan . I had a few hours before the kids were due back from school , and it wasn 't like St . Martin was that big of a town to begin with . It wouldn 't be hard to find where Jackson had gone . Grabbing my coat , I hurried out the door and in the direction I 'd seen them go . They moved along at a slow enough pace that it didn 't take long for me to to catch them . Wherever the bell ringer led , people followed . Every few minutes , another person would wander out of their homes , and fall in with the rest of the crowd shuffling along next to Jackson . I recognized Mrs . Wheeler , who ran the bakery downtown almost immediately . Henry O ' Connor also , who used to deliver milk . There were a few others , people I hadn 't met , but recognized from running errands through the city . The group was already so large that they stayed in the middle of the street . They walked through intersections with no regard for traffic or the other people around them . The only sound was the clanging of the bell in time with each step . I followed along behind them for an hour or so , until they turned back up towards my street . Finally , I broke away and rushed back towards the house . I still needed to get the kids from school , and Brian would be home from work not long after that . Together , I knew we could figure out what was happening . The school was practically empty when I arrived . A few teachers stood in the hallway looking confused , comforting the children that were left . I pulled Mrs . Everly aside , feeling my insides turn to water as she started to cry . The only words I could understand were " sorry " and " couldn 't stop them " . It took me a few moments to understand what she was saying , and even then I still had to ask the question to be sure . " Hannah ? What happened to my babies ? " She only cried harder when she tried to tell me . I pictured them shuffling down the street behind the bell ringer , their eyes vacant like Jackson 's had been . For a moment , I felt my heart break , and then I knew what had to be done . I tried to help Hannah to her feet , but she pushed me away . I waited for hours , my anxiety growing worse by the second . The house grew darker as the hours passed with still no sign of Brian . Finally , I saw his headlights shine through the window . He burst through the door , and pulled me against him . " Where are the children ? " he asked . With a shaky voice , I told him everything that happened . I had barely finished when I heard the ringing of the bell . Before I could say anything , Brian was rushing towards our bedroom . He came out a few seconds later with the old pistol he kept in the closet . I don 't think I 'd ever seen him shoot it . I didn 't even know if it was loaded . I saw them at the end of the block . In the orange glow of the street lights , they barely looked human . He walked at the front , still ringing his bell . The crowd pushed along behind him stretching back farther than I could see . The bell ringer stopped in front of me , hunched over like a monster from some children 's story . His eyes met mine , the irises a strange yellow color . He stared at me with a hopeful grin and pleading eyes . His mouth opened , like he wanted to say something , but his words were drowned out by the angry roar of Brian 's pistol . He collapsed , blood pumping from a small hole in his chest . The bell hit the ground with a loud clang , and the people behind him froze . They stared at us in confusion for a second before a look of panic spread across their faces . I found my children in the crowd , right before they turned to ash with the rest of the town . Their bodies collapsed in on themselves , filling the air around me . The whole time , the ringing of the bell echoed in my ears . In the cloud of ash , I watched Brian walk forward with a dazed look on his face , then reach down and brush the bell off . I wanted to call out to him , tell him to leave it alone , but I choked on the thick air around me . Brian gave me a sad look over his shoulder as he walked south , ringing the bell with each step . I tried warning the people of Philipsburg , but they wouldn 't listen to me . Neither would the people of Marshfield . I need you to understand , he isn 't going to stop . He 's coming , step by step , with thousands of people following behind him . You need to evacuate your homes before he gets here . It 's too late for my family , but it might not be for yours . Posted on April 29 , 2016 by Chris Page The envelope had arrived at Angela 's office a few weeks ago , the address hand - written on the outside . There was no stamp or return address . The card inside simply read : " You look good , " David said with a smile , as he stood up . She felt that same nervous rush in the pit of her stomach that she had when she 'd first met him . She smiled out of habit . For a moment , she was young again . His hands brushed her shoulders when she sat . Angela was suddenly aware of every gray hair and stretch mark , of the crow 's feet and laugh lines that make - up couldn 't hide . She picked up the menu , staring at the words while she tried to think of something to say . She watched him over the top of the menu . His thick black hair was neatly trimmed , without a trace of gray . His dark brown skin had the same youthful glow that it had when they met . Lounging back in his chair , he radiated self - confidence . Her thumb drifted down to her wedding ring , sliding over the smooth surface of the band . They sat in silence , each looking at their own menu . Angela closed her eyes , listening to the quiet conversations of the diners around her . For a moment , she felt the heat of each flame on every candle prickling against her skin . It had been years since she 'd opened herself up to the world . Her heart broke for what she 'd given up . Before Angela could reply , the waiter arrived with the wine . She watched as David locked eyes with the young man . The waiter blushed , almost dropping the bottle , and then hurried away from the table . David watched him leave with a lazy smile before appearing to remember that she was there . He smiled , the smug little grin that she had learned to hate over the centuries . " Would it be so bad if it was ? You could be young again . Look like your old self . " " What part did you not like ? The part where I left or the part where it wasn 't your choice ? " It was hard not to smile at the look of hurt that passed over David 's face . Thousands of years of pain and heartache welled up in Angela 's chest . " I wanted to tell you that I 'm sorry , " David said . " I should have handled it better . There were a million things I wish I had done differently . " Angela sat , absorbing what he just said . In the all the time they 'd been together , David never apologized for anything . The last time she 'd seen him , with a girl under each arm , he had simply stated that they were better off with other people and that it obviously wasn 't working out . Now he sat across the table from her , watching her as she tried to process everything . " I don 't forgive you , " Angela said with a shrug . " I had centuries of your bullshit , David . Why would you possibly think I 'd believe anything you had to say now ? " " Wait , " he called after her . " We need each other . You 'll die without me . There are so few of us left , as it is . It doesn 't have to end this way . " " It ended twenty - three years ago , " Angela said , as she made her way out of the restaurant . She felt David stare at her back as she left him for the final time . For a second , the years stretched between them , spread out like miles behind her . At the door , she gave one glance back , and she saw him the way she always remembered him : his wings stretched behind him to fill the room , skin faintly glowing in the starlight . Posted on March 25 , 2016 by Chris Page My eyes had been locked on the briefcase the entire bus ride . I picked out an excellent position near the front to keep an eye on it . An old man had it , about four rows back , his fingers lightly drumming against the scuffed and battered leather . He leaned against the window , breathing heavily . Trying not to be too obvious , I forced myself to look around the rest of the bus . The only other passenger was a guy in his early twenties who smelled like an old sock . He wore a heavy coat , probably to cover how skinny he was . The scraggly goatee that clung to his chin helped distract from the stubble on top of his head that somehow managed to look greasy . Our eyes locked and I quickly looked away . The last thing that I needed was some creeper hitting on me now . He smiled at me , and I glared back at him . There were only two stops left on the route . Part of me was tempted to take the bag now , but I knew that I needed to be patient . I 'd waited this long , I could wait a little while longer . I needed to see where the old man was taking the briefcase . If there was someone else that had hired him . The skinny guy pulled the cord for the stop , and got to his feet . He winked at me , right before he turned and bolted down the aisle , grabbing the briefcase as he went . I started to run after him , but he was already gone . Instead , I turned my attention to the old man , who still sat with his head against the glass , smiling gently . It took him a second to recognize me . " The grand - daughter , " he whispered , with the voice of a much younger man . His hand fluttered up near his chest and he smiled again . " How did you find me ? " " Who was the man that just took the case ? " I asked , trying to keep my voice calm . " You don 't have much time . Was he working with you ? " " Never saw him before in my life , " the old man wheezed . He closed his eyes and leaned his head up against the window again . He coughed into his hand , and I saw blood on his lip . I patted his shoulder and then turned and sprinted out the back door of the bus . The driver shouted something after me , but I didn 't stop to hear what it was . The important thing was getting the briefcase before anyone else died . The bus had stopped far enough out from the city that I was able to focus a little on the briefcase . The more people I had around me , the harder it was to separate out the signature it left on the space around it . Feeling the pull of the briefcase , I followed it to an apartment building a few blocks away . There were too many people inside for me to narrow it down any further , but at this point , I knew who I was looking for . He pulled out a battered black briefcase from under the table , and set it down in front of us . A slightly musical sound , like the chiming of tiny bells , came from inside when the contents shifted . He nodded towards the case , and I undid the latches . Inside were several glass spheres , maybe a half an inch in length . There were no markings on them or anything that might say what they were . Half of them were empty , just small clear globes that glittered in the moonlight . The others glowed with a faint inner light . He grabbed my hand as I reached in to touch them . " You don 't want to do that , " he said . " Now listen , this is important . There 's a market for this sort of thing , people who would do anything to get this collection . There 's a curse on the bag , so that only the proper owner can hold it . Anyone else that tries to take it , the bag will drain their life . When they die , they 'll be trapped inside one of those globes forever . " I closed the bag and nodded at him . It 's not that I didn 't believe him . It was more that Grandpa had always been prone to exaggeration , especially when drunk . " I want you to take it , " he said . " It 's been in the family for a hundred years . It 's only right that it stay with you . " He grabbed the bottle from me and took a long drink , before sliding the bag across the table . That night I crashed on his couch , clutching the bag against my chest , and all I could dream about was the terrible beauty of the spheres . Each glowing with their own internal light . It wasn 't long after that Grandpa died . For the next few days , I spent a long time staring at the globes and wondering if Grandpa was part of the collection . After a couple months , though , the briefcase just became part of the background noise of the apartment . It wound up shoved into the back of a closet , and I went on with my life . It wasn 't until someone broke into my house and wrecked half the place looking for it that I realized Grandpa 's warning had been serious . Huddled on the hood of a car in the parking lot , I watched people leave the building all night and into the morning . By the time the thief slunk out the door , I was half - frozen and bored out of my mind . He didn 't have the case with him . Shuffling along towards the bus stop , his shoulders stooped and his stupid goatee was streaked with gray that I hadn 't noticed the day before . He didn 't notice me getting on the bus with him . Watching him closely , I was able to weave my way through the people . The briefcase wasn 't the only thing I inherited from Grandpa . There 's a certain small amount of magic I 've been given . As near as I can tell , it comes with being the protector of the briefcase . Before the idiot could run , I stood next to him , my face inches from his . He smelled like sweat and mildew , with a hint of peppermint . The only thing that stopped me from puking on him was the fact that I hadn 't eaten in a day . He stared intently at his phone trying to ignore me . Before he could say anything , I reached up an pulled the cord for the next stop . Every second on that bus was taking us further away from wherever he stashed the case . Still holding onto his shirt , I dragged him off through the back exit . Nobody seemed to notice us . I tossed him on the ground and wiped my hand against my jeans . " You don 't have the slightest clue what you 've done , " I said . " Fucking idiot . What did you do with it ? " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , lady . I don 't have a briefcase . " He pulled himself up to his feet and tried to run down the sidewalk back towards the apartment . He couldn 't really move that fast anymore . It was more of an aggressive shuffle . I let him get a half a block ahead of me and then ran after him . It didn 't take much to catch him , and he was already rubbing his chest and wheezing when I got to him . I slammed him up against the wall by the throat . His eyes darted back and forth , looking for help . " I know you stole it . I was there , I saw you take it . " His hands scrabbled against my arms , and then he sagged against the building . His goatee was starting to go white . There wasn 't much time left . I decided to try a different tactic . Letting him go , I stepped back . He sank to the ground , trying hard to breathe . His breath rattled in his chest . " Look , " I said . " This thing is killing you , just like it was doing to him . And if you die before you tell me where it is , someone else will find it , and I 'll have to track it down all over again . So , tell me where you 're keeping it , that way I don 't have to repeat this shit with some other idiot . " He pointed back towards the apartment . His mouth moved on its own for a few seconds before he was able to get words out . " Briar Creek Park , " he finally managed to say . " Under the pine tree marked with an X . " Part of me was tempted to leave the case buried . If nobody knew where it was , then nobody would be able to steal it again . I 'd be free of the damned thing . I wouldn 't have to worry about idiots like this . But that 's not how this works . If I didn 't find it , someone else would . That 's not something I wanted on my conscience . The closer I got to the park , the stronger the pull of the briefcase got . The tree wasn 't hard to find . It was already half - dead from the curse when I found it . A small X was scratched above some freshly turned earth , and the grass around the tree was dry and brittle . I dug it up carefully , making sure that nobody was watching . When I opened the bag , one of the globes slowly flickered to life . I thought back to the thief who died without a name . Clutching the briefcase close to my body , I made myself a promise to never lose it again . Posted on February 26 , 2016 by Chris Page Clem eased himself down into the pilot 's seat , letting out something between a groan and a sigh . He closed his eyes and smiled as he sank back into the worn leather . The pain in his knees flared up for a brief second , then became a low ache . The chair creaked under his weight , and he briefly wondered if it would hold him up . Opening his eyes , he stared out towards the horizon . The sun was painting the sky in shades of red and purple as it dipped into the west . 500 feet up with a clean view all around . Clem hadn 't even known there were sunsets like this until he became Chief Engineer . His gaze drifted over the control panel in front of him . He fought the urge to flip the switches , but couldn 't erase the smile on his face . Growing up , every kid had a favorite Guardian . This one was his . They called it Helios , the Sunset Guardian back then . It faced due west , painted in a mix of bright orange and blue that blended perfectly with the sky as the sun went down . Helios was piloted by Jeremiah Hughes for most of its career , until the city started automating them . The signed poster he 'd gotten from the man still hung in Clem 's office at work . When Clem was little , he 'd memorized all of Jeremiah 's stats . In two wars , he shot down over 300 enemy aircraft with a 100 % kill rate . He led the charge when the enemy developed their own robots , including one of the greatest fights Clem had ever seen before or since . When they released the documentary on the Guardians ' pilots , he watched Jeremiah 's parts over and over . He caught a glimpse of his reflection in the view screen and sighed . That was fifty years gone . His hair was streaked through with gray , turning white in places . His hands , which were once so steady , shook a little when he held a wrench . His reflection showed him a few small wrinkles in the dark skin of his face . He knew that they only let him keep the job out of respect . An impeccable record , an extra five years of school and another four years of military service had earned Clem the job of Chief Engineer . When he came on , he was already the most knowledgeable person they had on the subject of the Guardians . But lately things had been slipping . He 'd set something down only to find that it had somehow disappeared afterward . He had trouble finding the right words to explain what he wanted to the young kids who weren 't listening anyway . He was forgetting . Clem stared at his hands and wondered where the time went . It used to be he could make the climb up to the cockpit in under an hour with no harness . A few years back , he had to have Takako rig up something to keep him safe . Even with the harness , he still had to stop and rest on the way up . He looked around the cockpit . He still knew every piece of machinery in here . Every nick and scratch in Helios ' metal hide was as familiar to him as the scrapes and bumps of his own body . He was pulled out of his thoughts by a blinking light on the console . For a minute , his brain didn 't quite register what he was seeing . All twelve of the Guardians had been decommissioned years ago . There shouldn 't be enough power in the control core to run a toaster , much less something of this size . The lights flickered and clicked on above him as the giant roared to life . The door to the cockpit slammed shut , and Clem 's ears popped as the cabin pressurized . Dazed , he shuffled towards the view screen . Small words scrolled across the screen as the systems booted up one by one . " Nobody knows what happened , boss , " she replied . " All twelve Guardians just powered on , one by one . You need to get out of there before it starts moving . " Takako 's shrug was almost audible . " Could be whoever shut them down didn 't do it right . Could be a glitch in the AI . I suppose someone could have hacked into the system recently . We weren 't exactly keeping a close eye on them . " There was a loud groan as the weapons went online . Clem watched helplessly as the reticle formed on the view - screen and targeted an incoming passenger shuttle . They were flying low , ready to land in the city . Clem did the math in his head . During rush hour , there had to be close to a hundred people on the shuttle . " About two thousand , " she said . He could just make out the sound of her fingers tapping on the keyboard . " They 're shooting down anything that 's coming in . Not just passenger shuttles , either . At least two supply ships have been torpedoed in the harbor . We 've already sent out a signal warning people to stay away . " Clem stared at the view screen . The weapons systems were all online , and Helios was fully operational . There was enough firepower on one of the Guardians to level the city a few times over , much less all twelve . In the distance , the smoke from the passenger shuttle wafted into the air . A flock of birds flew past , and Clem cringed waiting for the system to take aim . " We 'd need twelve teams , working in unison on site , " Takako said , the excitement rising in her voice . " Even then , I don 't think powering them down will be enough . We 're going to have to destroy them , boss . " Clem clicked off the radio and stared at the control panel in front of him . He shivered slightly . It was already cold this high up , and wasn 't likely to get any warmer . He cycled through menus , trying to locate the climate control . The city had removed most of the comfort systems when they automated the robots twenty years ago . The only concessions left were the pilot 's seat , and the control panel for maintenance . It took close to an hour before he was able to locate the necessary files . His fingers were numb as he clumsily typed out the commands . The familiar ache of arthritis had settled in to his wrists and elbows , forcing him to type at a snail 's pace . Something clicked inside the robot , and for a second Clem worried that he 'd misread something and fired off more weapons . Warm air poured out of the vents , bringing with it the smell of burned dust . " At least one thing 's gone right today , " Clem thought at he massaged his aching wrists . The sun had fully set , and night had settled in . Away from the city lights , he was able to take in the full measure of the stars . A feeling of insignificance washed over him , followed closely by the fear of the situation he was in . He sank back in the chair , and let himself cry . A large banging filled the cockpit , pulling him awake . Clem sat up , and regretted it instantly . He could barely turn his neck . The banging continued , followed by the muffled shouts of Takako . Turning to the cockpit door , he could just make out her head peeking in through the window . " It 's about time , " she said , running a hand over her shaved head . A small pattern of scars crisscrossed the skin on her neck and scalp . " You know how cold it is out there ? " The sky outside was lightening with the rising sun , and Clem realized he 'd been out for hours . He turned to the young blonde man who had climbed up with Takako . His name tag read " Anderson " . He was tall , and his muscles showed even through the jumpsuit that was practically designed to make everyone look as unattractive as possible . " One team of two for each Guardian : a pilot and an engineer , " Anderson whispered . " Takako will use the Guardians ' internal network to let the other teams into the cockpits , at least . Then , each team will work to restore manual control to the pilots . We 'll move each Guardian away from the city and detonate the control cores . " They followed Takako over to the control panel , where she 's already set up a small workstation for herself . Her lips moved silently as her fingers flew over the keyboard . The two men watched her work in silence for a few minutes . Each time another team gained access to a Guardian , she nodded . Clem hurried into the control core , telling himself that the itching in his skin was not related to the radiation . The green light of the core pulsed in rhythm with his heart beat . They set up the explosives , Clem practically holding his breath the entire time . When Clem reached Takako , she was frowning at the view screen . " There 's something wrong with the code , " she muttered . " It doesn 't make any sense . " Clem was interrupted by the sound of gears grinding . The landscape shifted as Helios turned to the right . The reticle locked on to the distant purple figure of Apollyon with a loud beep . Takako typed furiously at the keypad as the weapons systems roared to life . Missiles fired towards Apollyon , and a small explosion filled the air . The purple robot crashed to the ground in a smoking heap . Takako shrugged . " Security system must 've detected the intruders . I told that group to be careful . One less Guardian to worry about , I guess . " " Have the remote detonator right here " , he said , coming up behind them . He sat down in the pilot 's seat , and Clem watched the holographic controls spring to life around him . With a few gestures , the pilot had Helios facing due west again , and marching away from the city . Takako was loading her equipment into her pack , while Clem stared in awe at the ease with which Anderson moved the robot . It was just like he 'd imagined it as a kid . There was a tight squeeze in Clem 's heart , and he knew what he had to do . He reached back for his toolkit and grabbed a wrench . Anderson was focused on the controls , and Takako was busy with her pack . Neither one of them noticed him standing behind the pilot until it was too late . Before Takako could say anything , Clem swung out with the wrench and clubbed Anderson in his head . " Taking his place , " Clem said . " He 's young , he 's got a whole career ahead of him . It 's not right that he sacrifices himself like this . I 'm Chief Engineer of the Guardian program , what do I have left when this is done ? " Clem grabbed Anderson 's shoulders , and Takako took his legs . They carried the big man over to the cabin door , which slid open to let them out . The robot stood still in the cold morning air . Clem looked east back towards the city , glittering in the sunlight . He hoped his wife would understand . Takako adjusted her harness to the climbing rig , and hooked Anderson to it . He groaned a little as he began to wake up . She handed Clem the remote detonator and shook her head at him one last time . " I still think you 're an idiot , " she said . Clem watched them slide down over the edge and begin the descent . A small breeze came in from the south with a hint of sea air . A small flare fired up from the ground , signaling that they 'd gotten clear of the robot . He walked back into the control room , and settled into the chair . Trying to replicate the movements he 'd seen Anderson do , he began to move the robot . Helios took a few halting steps forward , and teetered dangerously on its feet . Moving slowly and deliberately , Clem steered the robot out west away from the city . It didn 't take long to find the rhythm , and for a second , he considered just steering the robot out into the world . Walking as far west as they could go until he died of starvation . Then he closed his eyes and smiled . That was a child 's fantasy . He had one last job to do , and he needed to finish it . The robot marched to the west for an hour or so , Clem feeling young for the first time in ages . He thought back to Jeremiah Hughes and laughed . When they were out of view of the city , Clem stopped the robot . He got up from the pilot 's chair and lit a cigarette . Janet had made him quit years ago , but he always snuck one when working on Helios . He stared out of the view screen at the world around him , and felt the smoke fill his lungs . This was a good death . Reaching down for the detonator , he pressed the button , and his life disappeared in a flash of green light . |
I had two things I needed to have written for this morning : a sermon for today , and a meditation for an upcoming Wednesday evening Lenten service . I was really procrastinating on them , and I finally figured out why . The Wednesday evening meditation was closely connected to what I 've been going through with Daughter . Once I finally did it , I found it helpful . I 'm still processing the implications of what I read and wrote , but I want to share my reflections up until now . . During Lent , our Wednesday evening services are based on Max Lucado 's book Fearless . I was working on the meditation on The Fear of Disappointing God . As he talked about how our shame causes us to be afraid and leads to more sin which leads to more shame and fear , I recognized Daughter 's downward spiral . Lucado points out that when Jesus heals the paralytic , he tells him not to be afraid , his sins are forgiven . He talks about how Jesus came to seek the lost sheep . He talks about the light of God 's love . . I began to reflect on light . We 've all seen the old movies where the cops put the suspects in a chair and then shine a bright light on his face . The cops stand in the shadow and push the suspect , asking lots of questions . The suspect is supposed to be afraid , supposed to feel threatened . Too often I think this is what we fear it will be like to come into the light and stand before God . . I was trying to think of a time when light is comforting . I began to think of a young child who has awakened from a nightmare , or is frightened of the dark . When the child cries out , a parent comes and turns on the light and offers comfort and reassurance . The child is soothed and feels safe . I remember one night being terrified of shadows in my room . My parents came in and showed me what was causing the shadows and that it was nothing to fear . I was able to sleep peacefully . . I contrasted that to what I know of Daughter 's early childhood . In the termination of parental rights case her brother testified that when Daughter would cry at night , their father would go inReverend Mom Last Saturday I didn 't accomplish much , so I was determined that today would be different . I also decided I wasn 't going to react to Daughter . I got up and made her favorite breakfast , and she " didn 't hear " me yell that breakfast was ready . Of course , she told me that Kitten heard me and was trying to make her get up . Yup , that makes sense . . Anyway , I called her a couple of times , and when she didn 't come I ate breakfast and put the leftovers away . When she finally came downstairs I went ahead and warmed up some breakfast . I think she was shocked and pleased that I didn 't make her eat oatmeal since she ignored my shouts . It 's about grace - - something none of us deserve . I think she was shocked that I didn 't try to force her to get up . I spent the morning in the kitchen , cooking and cleaning . I 'm making chili today . I have 4 pounds of dry pinto beans cooking on the stove and 4 1 / 2 pounds of seasoned ground turkey , onion , and green chilies in the refrigerator waiting for the beans to finish cooking . Most of the chili will go in the freezer - - some will be used with the tamales I made and froze . Some I 'll put in portion size containers with macaroni , and we 'll have chili - mac we can use for lunches . . When Daughter finished eating , I asked her to put away the clean dishes . It took her forever , of course , but I intentionally didn 't watch her so I wouldn 't get frustrated . I pulled out my ipod and have been listening to sermon podcasts this morning . Listening to the sermon podcasts always is energizing and renewing . . I talked to Nurse at Psychiatrist 's office yesterday . Psychiatrist wants Daughter off the Depakote and is starting her on Trileptal . Nurse called in a prescription right after I got home from Town on terrible roads . This morning I woke up to a 4 foot snow drift against the garage door , but that has now been cleared , so we may make a run to Town today to pick up the prescription . Before we go to town , though , I need to get some work done on the sermon for tomorrow . Hopefully it will continue to be a productive dReverend Mom They made it five days on time before the return of the bus delay this morning . Daughter and I couldn 't figure out why the delay , but when I headed into town to take communion , I understood . The snow is blowing and the country roads are bad . I was on state routes all the way , and if I hadn 't been meeting someone I think I would have turned around and come home . After taking communion to two nursing homes and stopping by the pharmacy and grocery store , I headed home , and the roads were even worse . As I drove slowly along I kept reminding myself that I saw a robin on Tuesday . Spring must be coming , because I saw a robin on Tuesday . Of course , the robins may all be frozen in a snow drift by the time spring gets here , but I did see one . . On to more positive things . Our Wednesday night Lenten services are going well . We had more people here this past Wednesday than the week before . For the last hymn , we sang , " If I Were a Butterfly . " This congregation isn 't thrilled about learning new music , and it was an older group , so I wasn 't sure how they 'd respond to singing a kid 's song . I chose it because it went so well with the theme for the evening . I don 't know why I was worried . They loved it . . I 've recruited 2 young adult brothers to play the roles of the prodigal son and the older brother in worship on March 14th . I 'll sit down with them and pick their brains , and then write a dialogue reflecting on the parable of the prodigal son . They will do a good job . I 'm looking forward to working with them on it . We have been experimenting with different ways of Proclaiming the Word in worship , and the congregation loves these creative proclamations . I really enjoy coming up with the creative ideas and working with people to make them a reality . . Daughter called around lunch time . She was working on a letter to Flasher about what had happened . Interestingly , she seemed to be more upset about the fact that he 'd lied to her ( it 's been 2 days and his buddies haven 't shown up ) than the threat of sending people who were ready to be viReverend Mom Yesterday evening Daughter refused to do anything . She was obviously distressed about something , and I was obviously fed up . Not a good combination . Anyway , I finally lost my patience and yelled at her , pointing out ( in more colorful language than I normally use ) that I was behind on laundry because I was having to wash her linens every day because she was too lazy to get up at night to use the bathroom . ( Interestingly , she didn 't wet the bed last night . ) . This morning she came downstairs and was obviously wanting to turn it around and be responsible . I suggested a good way to start would be to tell me the truth about what had gone on with Flasher yesterday . Sigh . Apparently she has convinced him that I am so mean and unreasonable that he is planning to send his friends to come rescue her from this house . They will bring a gun and dogs and not leave until Daughter is safely out of my clutches . I asked her if she thought she 'd be safer with Flasher . She told me several times in several different ways that she doesn 't know what to think or believe any more . . After she left , I called and left messages for both Case Manager and Therapist . I 'm not worried about Flasher sending his friends to take care of me . He is all talk . I am concerned that someday Daughter may convince the wrong people of how evil I am . CM called me back . I shared the story . She shared my concern , and we decided if I didn 't hear from Therapist by noon , I 'd call again and see whether she was in the office today . . So I was sitting over in the church office fighting with the computer . We were having a lively disagreement with one another on the placement of graphics in the newsletter . I think the computer had been taking lessons from Daughter , because it was becoming increasingly unreasonable . Case Manager called . Daughter had informed staff that I held her down last night and took a knife and cut her behind her knees . An inspection by the nurse showed there were no cuts , only dry skin . I told Case Manager to call Therapist , she did , and reached her uReverend Mom Daughter called me when she got on the bus to come home . She sounded down . " How was your day ? " . " It was terrible . " . " What made it terrible ? " . " I had to spend the day in hiding . " . " Who were you hiding from ? " . " Flasher . " . " What happened ? " . " He said he 's getting two of his very good friends and sending them down here to hurt me . " . " Why is he doing that ? " . " I don 't know . " ' . " I hope this means you 're through giving him a second chance . You are safe here , and no one is going to come here and hurt you . It won 't happen . " . " He said they were bringing weapons . " . " You 're safe . Nobody is going to hurt you here . I won 't allow it . " . She got off the bus and is sleeping on the living room sofa . I will probably never know what really happened today . If we were still living in the inner city , I might be a bit concerned about the threats , but Flasher doesn 't have any friends with the means or inclination to drive the 12 miles here to Tiny Village to do Flasher 's bidding and hurt Daughter . . I hope this means she 's through with boy friends for a few weeks , at least . . Case Manager checked out Daughter 's story about the fight yesterday . Daughter finally backed down and admitted she was mad at the other girl , who had hurt her by some things she 'd said , and was trying to hurt her back . Case Manager again cautioned her about the danger of false accusations . . One of the reasons Daughter chose to go to the workshop today was because she thought they 'd have their first work of the week . It didn 't come in until the end of the day , so she was on down time all day . I suspect she 's frustrated that she missed the senior luncheon and then didn 't have the work she 'd anticipated . I need to get her out of her pity poor me mode before we go over to the church tonight . I don 't want her finding a sympathetic audience for her stories . This was the 4th day in a row the bus was running on time for the workshop . Daughter chose to go to the workshop today rather than stay home to help with the senior luncheon , which surprised me . I think we are both grateful to see life becoming more predictable . The past two days have been wonderful days for me in ministry . Yesterday , after getting worship plans to Secretary for Wednesday and Sunday , I took communion two places . I had wonderful conversation with people in both settings . As I was leaving , one woman grabbed my hand and whispered , " I love you so much . " I had arranged to take communion while she had family visiting from the other side of the country . It was a blessing to be able to share communion with them . I love her family , and because of funerals I 've done have formed a connection with these people who live a very long way from here . . We had a number of new people attend our senior luncheon today , which was wonderful . With that group , we are continually losing people to nursing homes or death , so we 're always pleased when someone new shows up . I had made ham loaf and cheesy potatoes . They loved the ham loaf , and want me to put the recipe in the newsletter . These folks like the basic comfort foods , and I suspect they don 't make ham loaf at home . It was something they had requested when we asked for menu suggestions last fall . One of our people made cheese cakes , which were wonderful . I think everyone ate too much . I washed the dishes and then left as they were beginning to play white elephant bingo , something they always enjoy . One woman had explained to me that she was making a real sacrifice , and she really didn 't consider what she 'd brought to be a white elephant gift . I told her it looked to be the size of a box of chocolates . She grinned . I suggested that maybe she could win it back . . I always enjoy visiting with the seniors , and I think they were all hungry for the fellowship after several weeks of bad weather . It is snowing today , and I was afraid that might hurt our attendance , but they weReverend Mom If Daughter applied her ingenuity to something constructive , there would be no stopping her . Some examples from a one hour time period today : . She came home from work and claimed she was in a fight at the workshop . She says she got kicked and her ankle was injured . Interestingly , she didn 't bring home an incident report and I didn 't get a phone call . I doubt there was a fight . . She was supposed to be putting her linens ( yes , she wet the bed last night ) into the dryer . It was too quiet . I went to investigate and she was on her way to her bedroom . By the time I got upstairs , she was standing there , the picture of innocence . She finally pulled a jar of low sugar grape jelly and a spoon out from under her bed . . I have been impressed , because she has been taking the clean laundry upstairs right away without me bugging her . I 've watched her walk by me carrying the basket with clothes on hangers hanging over the edges . It turns out that she was hanging up my clothes and occasionally a few of hers . She was wadding up the rest of the clothes and dumping them on the floor of her closet . I hadn 't inspected her closet floor because I saw her taking proper care of the clean clothes ( shows how much I know ) . . I was making supper and the recipe called for saltine crackers . I couldn 't find the plastic container of saltines . I was puzzled . When I was upstairs to get the jelly , I had double checked her other hiding places . Turns out she 's found a new one in the upstairs TV room . . She finally admitted why her blood sugar was high before supper yesterday . While she was getting some of her sugar free drink , she also helped herself to a large quantity of milk ( drunk straight from the container . She 's upstairs cleaning her bedroom properly . I 've told her if she completes her chores , we 'll watch a show we have on DVR . . I 'm not going to go on the retreat . There isn 't time to adequately train staff people to handle Daughter . We 're going to rewrite Daughter 's ISP ( individual service plan ) to make her needs clearer . . I will have respite for tReverend Mom Daughter agreed to give Flasher another chance . She agreed to be his girlfriend . Case Manager , Therapist and I are not thrilled . She 's not listening to any of us , of course . Since I won 't transport her to see him and he 's not allowed in our home , not much is going to happen . I told her it wasn 't fair to Flasher . She just is determined she has to have a boyfriend . Anytime the boyfriend wants more than friendship , she panics . . After her appointment with Therapist she came home and jumped on her chores . At least I can celebrate that . Posted by The bus picked Daughter up on time this morning . Daughter called at lunch time , and she sounded chipper . I 'd told her to call so that I could tell her what time I 'd pick her up for her appointment with Therapist . She finally got to see Flasher , and said it was okay . She has been dreading his return for over 2 weeks , but due to weather today was the first day he was there . . She wet the bed last night . Today 's carrot is that if she does what she is supposed to do , we 'll play with the wii tonight . She is now on track to get her DVD player back tomorrow evening . She 's back to wanting it back . That 's good . . Case Manager called as soon as she got my email this morning . Supervisor is frustrated , because she trains staff and explains repeatedly what they need to do with Daughter , but they don 't follow through . It looks like she won 't be able to arrange respite so I can go to the retreat . I knew it was short notice . We 'll see . , Throughout this Lenten season , worship is focusing on the foundations of the faith . We 're building the foundation , and yesterday the theme was remembering . One of our women painted some large cardboard boxes as the building blocks of our foundation . Only problem was , I got out into worship and realized I 'd left the remembering block in the office . One of the board members went and got it for me . Of course , the board is giving me a very hard time about the fact I couldn 't remember the remembering block . . I heard from the church I 've been talking to this morning . I 'm one of two people they are considering . I 'll go meet them and then they 'll come here me preach . I should know something before Easter . As soon as the committee shows up in worship , people here will know I 'm looking to move . I 'd rather have the committee come here , though , than waste another of my few Sunday 's off going elsewhere to preach for them . I also don 't want to leave my people here during Lent . That 's going to be a long time of uncertainty for Daughter ( and me ) . . God will provide the right place at the right time . Patience is one oReverend Mom I 'm always trying new ways of reaching Daughter . This morning was another fresh approach . When she woke up ( and she didn 't wet the bed last night ! ) , I asked her what her goal was for the day . She wanted to go shopping . I asked for her list from yesterday , and came up with a task list . If she did her daily jobs ( bedroom , cat boxes , helping with laundry ) , cleaned the half bath , and helped me clean the living room , we 'd go to town after I finish with my 3 : 00 and 4 : 00 meetings . . She looked over the list , and said , " Looks fair . " . She 's working her list , pausing every so often to marvel , " I 'm doing it , I 'm being responsible ! " I am praising her progress . . We 'll start every morning this week by naming a goal , and deciding how she can achieve that goal . I will post a calendar with the week 's menu and a schedule of my evening commitments and her appointments . . I will pray very hard that the buses are running and on time all week ! I asked the kids during the children 's sermon this morning if they were ready for a full week of school on time . There was a no . I asked them if there parents were ready for them to have a full week of school on time . Their yes was even louder , much to the amusement of the congregation . . I have a youth group event next Sunday afternoon . I recruited a mom to take my place so I can go to the clergy women 's retreat . So far , it 's been a good day . I hope I didn 't just jinx it ! Daughter was running the vacuum in the dining room . This was the 4th task and would get her her half hour of TV . Two more tasks and we 'd be headed to town . I told her to call me to come check her work before she put the chairs back under the table . It was obvious she had missed several areas , and I pointed them out to her . She argued not that she 'd done it , but that cat hair was impossible to see . I left and she ran the vacuum some more . She put the chairs back under the table . I went and checked . Again , she 'd missed the same spot . I moved the chair and grabbed the vacuum and in one swipe got rid of the cat hair . She was mad . I asked if this was the way she cleaned when she went out on a cleaning crew from the workshop . " No , then I do the cleaning properly . " . " So why don 't you do it properly at home ? " . She even admitted that she had never run the vacuum over the place I had pointed out to her - - even after I pointed it out . She was becoming increasingly belligerent , so I finally told her to go to her room until she was ready to do her work properly . She started making phone calls - - seeking to get away from her unreasonable Mom . She came downstairs and was frustrated that I wouldn 't let her go out with friends to deal with her stress . I pointed out that she hadn 't completed her work . She insisted she was back down the deep hole and couldn 't get out . . She went and got her plan for the day . I pointed out that I had cut down the work that she had originally proposed . I pointed out how close she 'd come to completing it . She did complete two more tasks and watched some TV with me . . She is really struggling right now . I wish there was a way I could help her find stability . I have some ideas on how I 'm going to work with her on expressing her desires for the day in the morning . Maybe if she can verbalize her needs first think in the morning , she won 't need to be so manipulative and call wolf . Posted by Daughter came downstairs this morning and said we had to go to town today . When I asked why , she informed me she wanted to get stuff to make BLT 's . I told her that the tomatoes we could get at this time of year weren 't good for BLT 's . Then she began spinning a tale of how sick she was - - she was literally burning up inside , and talked about how many people had been coming to the workshop sick . . I pointed out that she 'd gone from healthy enough to go to town to dying in very short order . I suggested that she was like the little boy who cried wolf , and that maybe the issue was she wanted some attention from me . She acknowledged I might have a point . I told her to go back upstairs and think about how she wanted to begin her day , then come back down and start over again . She didn 't like that idea at all , of course , but I wouldn 't engage her further , so she disappeared upstairs . . She came back down , and we decided she 'd come up with a plan and we 'd negotiate how we 'd handle the day . She is working now . When she completes 4 tasks , she gets to watch 30 minutes of TV . After completing an additional 2 , we 'll go to the grocery store . She 's working on the 4th task right now . . I received a packet of information about the church and community I 've been talking to yesterday . It 's a small town , but has much more to offer culturally than Tiny Village and even Town have . There are all kinds of art and music lessons available at an arts center . I was deciding which ones I 'd want to take . . Therapist told me that the man who called her for the reference check was quite excited about the resources that would be available for Daughter in their community . I 'm cautiously excited , but there have been too many disappointments to start packing yet . I know that God will provide the right place at the right time . . I think I 'm looking forward to a fresh start as much as Daughter is . Even though I know this may not come through , I 'm finding it harder to stay engaged here in Tiny Village . I think I need an attitude adjustment . Maybe that clergy wReverend Mom I have repeatedly explained that Daughter 's psychological issues are her biggest handicap , and what needs to be done to help her feel safe . Yesterday was not the first time that the staff member assigned to care for Daughter has not done the things necessary to keep Daughter safe . One came and claimed to have no knowledge of Daughter 's diabetic needs . She was accompanying Daughter to a Special Olympics event . I was not happy , to say the least . I don 't think she 's employed by them anymore . . Anyway , I recognize that this retreat would be a wonderful gift for me , and that I need it . So , I sent this note to the woman who handles scheduling today , and also to her boss and Daughter 's Case Manager . They have had some aides who have worked well with Daughter , but it has been very uneven . There is a liability issue for them , so I suspect that my note will prompt some scurrying and additional training for anyone who is going to be working with Daughter . At least I hope that is the case . . Supervisor , . I thought I was pretty clear that Daughter could not be left unsupervised in the kitchen . It was in the email , and I mentioned it to Aide a couple of times before I left last night . Daughter was alone in the kitchen , she got into food , and her blood sugar was 237 at bedtime , which is high . Beyond the damage the high blood sugars do to her body , there is an emotional issue . . Safety is Daughter 's number one need . With any staff person she is going to test to see if this individual can be manipulated . She 's going to test to see if the person will keep her safe , especially from herself . If the individual flunks the test , Lena will not feel safe , and she will begin to spiral out of control . . Not only did Daughter eat , she lied to Aide about having completed her chores , and Aide didn 't check to see if she was being honest . One look at the bathroom when I got home showed that the sink , toilet , and floor had not been touched with any kind of cleaning product . She supposedly did the kitchen floor , but there was still dried mud on the floReverend Mom My " date " stood me up . Her first grandchild was born prematurely today . I guess that 's a legitimate excuse . I went alone . I went to a pizza buffet , and pre - concert lecture about the music , and then the concert . It was wonderful . . Daughter sat in the study and listened and I called several people , seeing if there was someone else who would like to go with me . It was interesting to watch her . She didn 't say anything , but I could tell it was bothering her . I observed that it must be hard , watching me look for someone to go with me , and knowing she couldn 't go . I said it was too bad she 'd told me she didn 't want to go , and she probably hadn 't wanted me to take her seriously and leave her home . She looked down , and acknowledged I was right . . I got a text at bedtime - - Daughter 's blood sugar was sky high . I knew immediately what had happened . I had been very clear that she could not be alone in the kitchen . She was alone in the kitchen . She got in the refrigerator . She had to do two chores to watch TV . She told the aide she 'd done them . She didn 't . But her lie earned her TV for the evening . . There is a retreat for women clergy coming up at the end of the month , and I have been considering getting respite and going , but now I wonder . If the supervision is so lacking for a single evening , how can I leave for 2 days ? I 'll talk to Therapist about it tomorrow . For now , I 'm going to enjoy the memories of a wonderful evening . Posted by Daughter came out of her bedroom this morning with the things she needed to take a shower . It was the first time she hasn 't lied to me about wetting her bed . She waited patiently upstairs until I was ready to go downstairs for breakfast . She was cooperative and affectionate . Her wet linens are in the washing machine . She is on the bus headed to the workshop , it was an hour late , but it came ! . I am realizing the things I can 't do because my laptop is in the shop . I couldn 't get my email to download on our desktop at home , so I checked it as web mail here from the church . I had a request for additional information from the church that checked my references . I am getting the material out to them . . For our Wednesday evening Lenten services this year , we are using material from Max Lucado 's book Fearless . The first one was last night , and it went very well . This is a busy time of the year , and the loss of my laptop complicates things , but it will work out . Tonight I have a concert , and will be able to forget about everything . I 'm looking forward to it . Posted by For months Daughter has been telling me there is something wrong with the desktop computer and it 's very slow . I 'll confess that I blew her off . I seldom use the desktop , so I wasn 't too worried about it . Well , with my laptop in the computer hospital , I 've been forced to use it . She 's right . . Being without my computer is a pain . I don 't have any software on this computer , so anything involving word processing has to be done over at the church . I 'm hoping I 'll get good news tomorrow afternoon and I 'll have my laptop back soon . I 'm also hoping the buses will be running tomorrow . I won 't even complain if they are on delay as long as they come take Daughter off to the workshop . . All things considered , she did pretty well today . She hasn 't done much with her steps today , so she may not have her DVD player back on Friday . Hopefully the aide will get her motivated tomorrow . Part of the issue is that since she can 't be home alone and I can 't work on the computer at home , she spent much of her day doing nothing in the church office . She is being very affectionate , which is much nicer than the name calling and threats . . Considering the fact I 'm going through laptop withdrawal and Daughter has been off her normal schedule for over a week , we 're doing pretty well . Posted by Last night I was sitting on the couch , watching the Olympics , cruising on - line when suddenly my laptop shut down . It won 't restart . I think I am going through withdrawal . I had to write my notes for upcoming sermons by hand . I couldn 't keep track of cancellations today via my computer . I actually had to call the workshop to find out they 'd gone from a delay to being closed . . I had breakfast scheduled with a young woman , so we dropped Daughter at the workshop , ate breakfast , dropped my computer at the computer hospital , picked up Daughter , and came home . Now I 'm sitting here in the church office trying to decipher my hand written notes . . Daughter was grateful for a little bit of time with her friends today . Supposedly they will have a diagnosis on my computer by tomorrow afternoon . The breakfast and conversation were good . She is trying to climb out of her hole , but there will be some work involved and she doesn 't like work . I unreasonably don 't consider the kitchen floor done when there is still cat food on it . She has until Friday to get it right . . I will be going to the Gershwin evening with a member of the church tomorrow evening . She has been under some stress lately , and really wanted to go to this concert but couldn 't afford a ticket . I told her it would be an evening away from daughters , work , and all stress . Daughter was rather shocked when I told her she 'd be staying home with an aide . I reminded her that she had told me she didn 't want to go to the concert , so she wasn 't going . She hasn 't said anything , but I know she 's disappointed . She really does enjoy the concerts , and would have loved this one . Maybe next time she 'll remember to be grateful and not complain when I buy concert tickets . . We 're both in a better place today , even with my laptop issues . Hopefully things will continue to improve . Posted by I braved the rotten roads ( I understand why the workshop closed ) and took Daughter to see Therapist . They talked about how Daughter got down in her deep hole . None of her issues right now have anything to do with me . Therapist pointed out to her that her current behaviors would dig her a hole no matter where she lived . Daughter acknowledged that reality . However , there are some new insights : . Therapist had talked to Case Manager , who stated that Daughter had really thought I was going to get the church I met with at the end of last month . She was very disappointed . CM thinks that Daughter saw a move as an escape from all the difficult situations she 's created and the ongoing drama at the workshop . . Daughter recently began working on a scrap book again . I took this as a positive sign , that she was following through on something . Unfortunately , her focus had been on pictures that were connected to her birth family . That was a major trigger for her . It reinforces our decision not to allow any contact with her birth family . . Once Daughter starts in on the behaviors ( sneaking food , lying , refusing to do chores ) that start the descent into the hole , she begins to feel guilty . She deals with the guilt by yelling at me , which increases the guilt and pushes her deeper into the hole . . She knows the stealing was wrong , and of course that created more guilt , more yelling , a deeper hole . She hurts herself in an attempt to deal with her guilt . The good news is that she does have a conscience . . She wants to earn her electronics back . She has a list of chores she needs to do by Friday . If she completes the cleaning chores and keeps her room and litter boxes clean and her laundry put away for 3 consecutive days , I will return her DVD player . . Case Manager offered emergency respite . It would be in the home , so I 'd have to leave . I don 't want to go stay in a motel right now . The closest motel is over 12 miles away , and with the uncertainty of the weather , that doesn 't sound like a good idea . I have too much to do to get very far awayReverend Mom Daughter came down this morning with a cheery , " Good morning ! " I asked if she 'd wet the bed last night . . " No , Ma ' am . " . " I will go check . " . She looked away . . " Go bring your wet things down and put them in the washing machine and get in the shower . " . First outburst of the day . It was her life and she didn 't care she wasn 't going to do it . . She did . She came down and told me she 'd plugged the toilet . Yesterday she indicated she wasn 't having any issues with constipation . Fortunately , I anticipated this and started her back on miralax last night . I don 't know how I 'd gotten out of the habit of giving it to her . Last week 's snow just threw my whole routine off . Anyway , with her back on it hopefully I 'll be done with the plunger for a while after I get the upstairs toilet cleared . . She has yet to apologize for stealing the money from me . I decided she needed to experience some pain , so I told her to bring me her Nintendo DS and her portable DVD player . That prompted screams of outrage and earned me some colorful names . I informed her stealing had consequences , and that eventually she could earn them back . She still doesn 't get it . I told her she had a lot to make up to me , and she would begin by putting all the clean dishes away . She has been refusing to do her jobs . Now I 'm sitting here in the kitchen supervising while she puts them away . I 've realized that I need to keep her on a very short leash right now , so she will be in her room or where I can see her when she 's home . She won 't like that , and I 'll like it even less . Right now , the workshop is on still delayed an hour . Closings are beginning to be posted south of us . I hope the closing stay south . . Daughter has informed me that Therapist is arranging things and she 's leaving things because she doesn 't have to put up with me . I told her it would be nice not to have to lock everything up . Have I mentioned that I need the workshop to be open today ? The day has not gotten much better . Daughter called Therapist and told her she needs a new family . I had to go get my stitches out from my carpal tunnel service , and then we went to the warehouse store . Daughter watched me carry all the groceries in and put them all away alone . She hid in her room all afternoon while I worked in the kitchen . She got mad when I told her to make her bed . . She apologized for her behavior , but has refused to turn it around . All day I had the nagging feeling that I was missing some money . This evening I finally sat down and rechecked . One week ago today , I had withdrawn $ 200 from the bank . We 'd gone out to eat a couple of times , but we 'd also been snowed in for several days . It seemed like I should have more than $ 30 of that left . So I called Daughter out of bed , and told her I was missing money . I asked her if she knew anything about it . She didn 't respond . She looked away . I said , " Go get it . " She brought down $ 100 . I 'm not convinced that 's all of it , but she says it is . . Her goal is to find a new family . That 's why she took the money . She 's getting rid of me because Sister is finally getting a place of her own after living with her ex - husband for over 3 years . They are way under water on their house , but Sister is finally willing to walk away from it , and now has the resources to move out . Daughter is upset because she doesn 't think it is fair to Niece for Sister to take her and move out . So Daughter is going to deal with her frustration at Sister 's moving out by following her example and moving out herself . Makes perfect sense . . She crossed a line when she stole money from me . I 'm not sure where to go from here . I 'm running out of places to lock things up . I 'm tired of having to keep everything locked up . I 'm tired of hearing the door alarm every time she opens her bedroom door . It 's been snowing this afternoon and evening . There had better not be a delay or cancellation tomorrow . I need that bus to come get her on time and take her away from me . Posted by This morning is one of those rare mornings when I am angry . I should put a warning sign around my neck , though I think Daughter has figured it out by now . Daughter has been wetting the bed . I have checked her twice for UTI 's , but those are negative . I have her on cranberry capsules as a preventive , so I didn 't think we 'd be able to find an easily fixed cause . . Yesterday morning when I opened her bedroom door , she was sleeping on the floor . I asked why she was on the floor and if she 'd wet the bed . She assured me she hadn 't wet the bed , she was on the floor because her hip was bothering her . I went in and pulled back the blanket on her bed , and it was wet . I pointed out the lie and told her to throw all the wet things in the washing machine . . At bedtime last night she 'd " forgotten " to remake her bed . I told her to get busy and get it done . I also told her to make sure she went to the bathroom before she went to bed , and told her I 'd wake her up when I went to bed to go again . After she 'd gone to bed , I went out to the laundry room and discovered that the laundry she 'd supposedly taken care of had been dumped in a laundry basket with one dress laid over the top on a hanger . Of course it was all wrinkled , and of course some of the clothes are my dress clothes . I considered waking her up and making her come down and deal with it , but decided against it . I considered doing it myself , but decided against that , as well . . Two hours after she went to bed I went upstairs and woke her up . She kept ignoring me , and I was very angry by the time she came out of her bedroom . She had already wet the bed . I told her to put all the wet stuff in the bathtub , and get an old towel to put over the wet mattress pad so she 'd have a dry place to sleep . She stood at the linen closet door forever . I asked what she was doing . " Looking for an old towel . " . " Grab one of the blue ones and get back to bed ! " . So , this morning when I got up , the bathroom stunk of urine . I opened the door to her bedroom and a brand new towel is over the wet spot and DaReverend Mom Today was one of those days when I was reminded how blessed I am to be serving God in ministry . People come early here to speak to the pastor , because years ago the pastor left immediately after worship to go preach in another church . So , this morning before worship I met the Daughter of one of our newer members . She 's visiting from a distant state . I talked to a man who has been interviewing for a new job that would give him more responsibility and better hours . He should have a final answer this week . I welcomed home a woman who just returned from a month with her daughter . While she was away , her son needed bypass surgery . She called me asking for prayers for him . She was so happy as she reported that he was recovering well and told her he 's feeling much better now . . I talked to a woman who brought her son home from prison this week . He was diagnosed with hep c while he was in prison . He has no insurance . She 's disabled . Because he lives with a parent and their household income is over $ 300 a month , he 's not eligible for medicaid . She 's worried about how he will be able to get the treatment he needs . I spoke with a mother who finally convinced her uninsured daughter to go to urgent care this week for antibiotics after she 'd been sick for over a week . I suggested a clinic in Town that takes people without medical coverage . I talked to a woman whose son - in - law committed suicide several weeks ago . She had a thank you note from her daughter , and asked me where she could get a copy of the book I had given her daughter . Her daughter has found it to be very helpful , and she wanted one to read . I told her I had another copy of the book in my study , and to see me after worship and I 'd give it to her . . I led worship , and the junior choir sang today and did a great job . It was wonderful to see our young children so excited about singing about God 's love . This morning we celebrated Christ 's Transfiguration , and I talked about recovering our sense of awe at the immensity and power of God . Following worship a woman tracked Reverend Mom I was struggling about whether I was going to accompany Daughter to state basketball skills or let the respite provider do it . Today she made the decision easy for me . She got a silver medal today , and she pouted and refused to talk to her friends and was sitting on the floor in front of me leaning heavily on me . She refused to smile for the pictures . If I hadn 't been there , I 'm sure she would have been a much better sport . She refused to wear her silver medal . There was no talking her out of her bad mood . . So , I 'm going to stay home and let the respite provider take her . I don 't need to listen to her whine , and I suspect if I 'm not there , she won 't whine . I will have a Saturday all to myself while she goes to state . I 'm looking forward to it . Posted by I 'm sitting here watching the opening ceremony for the Winter Olympics . Daughter watched part of it with me , but then decided she needed to go to bed so she 'd be ready for her Olympic event tomorrow morning . It 's the area competition in basketball skills . Fortunately , our county is hosting it , so we 'll only have to drive about 10 miles . . Daughter was watching me like a hawk tonight . Would I show any sign of emotion ? She waits for me to tear up , and then demands to know if I 'm okay . I assure her I am , but she never believes me . She worries , and is very in tune with my mood and health . It 's probably the most obvious residue of her hyper vigilance . When she first came to live with me , she couldn 't handle having her bedroom door closed ( I wouldn 't have been able to use a door alarm then ) . I couldn 't walk by her room at night without her waking up terrified . I celebrated the first time I walked into her room after she was asleep and she didn 't wake up . For years , she 'd wake up screaming almost every night , especially if there was any disruption in her routine . . She may have watched me like a hawk this evening , but she went up to bed and closed her bedroom door . She won 't wake up screaming tonight . Tomorrow she will go out and participate in Special Olympics . The opening ceremony won 't be as lavish ( or long ) as tonight 's , but the athletes will be every bit as thrilled when they go home with their medals and ribbons . . The church that is checking my references supports Special Olympics as a mission project in their local area . They started what has become the programs for the developmentally disabled in their county . The man who talked to my friend yesterday saw their advocacy and Daughter 's need as a sign that God had connected us . I 'm trying not to get too excited . There have been too many disappointments . God will call me to the right place at the right time . Posted by Daughter called me after lunch today . She was crying because of conversations that had taken place during lunch . It seems that one of her friends ( a former boyfriend , though not one I 've talked about on the blog ) is in trouble with the law . He was sexting - - to a very young teen . Her friends were talking about how he would be going to jail . When I hear these stories , I 'm very grateful that I blocked all messages on Daughter 's cell phone . I had them blocked after she began subscribing to premium texting services . . I 'm sad for the young man involved . He is in supported living , and doesn 't have a relationship with either of his parents . He had surgery over a year ago and neither one of them visited him . We need to do a better job of providing guidance and supervision for these young men - - they have all the hormones and urges , but not the understanding or maturity to rein it in . . I 'm concerned for the young girl who has been exposed to things she should never have seen . I hope she is being properly cared for and supported . . I find myself pondering the fact that the majority of the men Daughter has dated are now ( or will be ) registered sex offenders . She went to proms with two different boys . They are both on the registry now . A guy she saw for a while several summers ago is on the registry . Now , it sound like this young man may end up on the registry . . In two cases I blame the system - - these were young men who were developmentally handicapped . At age 18 , they were considered adults and thrown out into the world to make it on their own . Neither one was equipped for this , and it was inevitable that they would end up in trouble . . I also find myself pondering the fact that Daughter , who was a victim , is now attracted to offenders . I keep telling myself that part of the issue is the fact that she has so few options . Part of the issue is that we live in a county with a very high rate of sexual abuse . However , there is no denying that part of the issue is that she is drawn to what she knows . For now , I work very hard at keepReverend Mom The snow has now cleared enough that Daughter was able to go the workshop this morning . The bus was on an hour delay , but it came . Two days of cancellations were hard on both of us . Daughter has developed a theory about the source of her stomach upset the other day . She has decided that she is pregnant . We 've gone through this before , though it has been a while . . " Have you had sex ? " . " No . " . " Then you aren 't pregnant . " . " I could be . " . " You can 't get pregnant if you haven 't had sex . " . " But when Flasher flashed me he got close to me . " . " You aren 't pregnant . " . " I still think I should do a test . " . Is it her intellectual limitations or her mental illness that make her so certain that she 's pregnant ? I don 't know . What I do know is that I 'm very grateful she 's back at the workshop and I had a very productive morning without her here . Now I 'm going to head to City to visit one of the saints in the hospital . . Small Town is continuing to check my references . I think that 's a good thing . Posted by Daughter came in with the mail today and said , " Mom , you got a letter from State . " I knew immediately what it was . It was a letter from the church I interviewed with the last weekend in January telling me they were going to continue their search . Daughter was quite anxious as I opened the letter and scanned it . " Well ? " I handed her the letter , and she read it . She was crushed . I thought I had explained to her that I wouldn 't be going to that church , and that it was a good thing . I guess hearing it and seeing it in writing are two different things . . The snow has now stopped and the wind has calmed down . I hope that means that Daughter will be back at the workshop tomorrow . We both need a return to routine . Posted by Yesterday I had a phone interview with a church about 50 miles from here in Small Town . They are in a different state and a different regional group . The congregation is a little smaller than the congregation I 'm serving here . Tiny Village has 160 residents , Small Town has 6 , 000 . Daughter could stay with Psychiatrist . I would be about an hour further away from family . The congregation was instrumental in starting the sheltered workshop in their community , and support Special Olympics . Small Town has been calling my references today . . I think this is a good thing . I think it might be fun . The search process is hard . I 'm planning for ministry here , while trying to discern if God is calling me elsewhere . It becomes a roller coaster ride . It 's hard on me , and even harder on Daughter . Tomorrow is another snow day . Snow days are hard on her , too . . . . Therapist did her job and helped Daughter identify the triggers for her latest round of acting out . In addition to the drama at the workshop , there were three things that set her off : on the 31st we worked on inventorying my parents ' treasures that were stored in Brother 's attic . On February 4th I had carpal tunnel surgery . On February 8th I turned 52 . Her conclusion : I 'm going to die . Therapist reassured her that I 'm not going to die anytime soon . She said statistically each generation lives 10 years longer , so I 'll be around for a long time yet . She got a promise out of Daughter not to hurt herself . She wants to see Daughter again Thursday evening . If we 're still snowed in , she 'll check in with Daughter via the phone . . Therapist also confirmed what I has suspected : Daughter is not sleeping well at night . I started her back on the trazadone last night . Hopefully with more sleep and the reassurance that I 'm not going to die anytime soon , she will improve . I don 't think I 'll tell her that I feel like I 'm developing the stomach flu . . We are now supposed to get 8 - 12 inches of snow . The majority of the school districts have announced they will be closed today . A few of the more optimistic ones are on 2 hour delays . The snow just began , do they really think the roads will be better in 2 hours ? I 've been awake since 4 : 00 . I finally gave up trying to get back to sleep at 5 : 00 . It looks like it 's going to be a long day . While I am now allowed to get my hand wet and shower and such , I am not supposed to submerse my hand in water for another 10 days . Today I finally gave up on the idea that Daughter would help me out by washing the dishes that don 't go in the dishwasher , so I donned rubber gloves and tackled the dirty dishes on the kitchen counter . I also decided to make more jello with fruit in it . I was very frustrated when I couldn 't find the can opener . I finally started using a bottle opener to punch holes in the can of peaches . As I was pondering where the can opener could be , I suddenly knew . I went upstairs and opened the drawer of Daughter 's nightstand . There , amid a bunch of spoons , an empty simply fruit jar , an empty fudge jar and an empty pineapple can , was the can opener . Now I 'm concerned that I 've been giving her too much insulin , as her blood sugars have been decent in spite of the extra food . . I am so tired of all of this . On closer examination of her wrist and neck it became obvious that she has been using her razor on them . It makes no sense to me , but then , very little of what Daughter does makes sense to me . She sees Therapist tonight , and Therapist thinks it may be time for her to call and consult with Psychiatrist . . We woke up to fog this morning , so the workshop was delayed . I decided to take her to the workshop . I had to take back roads , as the state route was closed due to a major accident ( most people would consider the state route back roads , but it is clearer than back roads ) I 'm going to have to pick her up , too , since they ended up closing ( which means the preschool is closed and there isn 't transportation for adults , but they can still come ) . They are predicting 6 - 10 inches of snow beginning tonight and into tomorrow , so I suspect the workshop will be closed several more days . If we get that amount of snow , I will not be taking her in , as our country roads will be drifted shut . . She has called me a couple of times today , trying to convince me she can 't stay . The Flasher didn 't show up because the busReverend Mom I have not been able to get back into the routine since we came back from our trip Wednesday night . Of course , Thursday I had surgery , and that has added to the challenge of getting back into the routine . I can now get my hand wet , but I still can 't immerse it in water to wash dishes . I 'm not supposed to do that for 2 weeks . . While my hand is healing well , and I 'm not having much pain , it is definitely weak and there are things I 'm just not able to do right now - - some of them surprising . Today I 'm finally able to button blue jeans , which makes life easier . . Daughter is into food again , and there were tears yesterday when she had to confess that she 'd eaten one of the cans of frosting she 'd bought to frost my birthday cake . We have another snowstorm on the way , and I fear that the workshop will be delayed or closed all week . I have much I need to accomplish as Lent is rapidly approaching , and the house still isn 't completely back together from the windows and now the wall repairs ( which aren 't completed ) . . Daughter is stressed about Flasher 's return tomorrow . Tonight she 's claiming that the voices have told her to use her razor to hurt herself . She 's pointing to a rash on the back of her neck as evidence of this . I 'm skeptical . I don 't think she 's used her razor . I don 't think she 's hearing voices . I do think she 's anxious about Flasher 's return . I 'll let Therapist sort her out tomorrow evening . For now , I 'm grateful the knives are locked up . Posted by Daughter came home yesterday and announced she had agreed to be J 's girl friend . I asked her why , and it had to do with the fact that he doesn 't like Flasher , either . So , I reminded her of her history with J . We also had a crisis some time back because he was poking and touching her in ways that were reminiscent of the way her molesters had - - he wasn 't molesting her , just touching her in the way that eventually led to molesting from family members . She had forgotten all of this , of course . She asked if she could get back with NG . I pointed out that wasn 't fair to NG , who wants to get married . I told her we 'd do a special mother - daughter thing for Valentine 's Day . . She wasn 't convinced . I told her , as I have before , that I can 't control who she sees , and if she chooses to stay with J , I can 't stop her . I told her that he would not be welcome in our home , and I would not take her to see him . She is concerned about Flasher 's return . She said Case Manager had some good ideas , but they were private . . We got some snow last night . Not as much as they did some places , but enough that most events scheduled for today are canceled . Our challenge is drifting snow . The land is very flat , and the wind is strong . Part of my driveway is completely clear - - until you come to the drifts that are over 3 feet deep . It 's going to be cold all week , and we have more snow predicted . I predict the workshop will be on a delay all week and closed at least one day . Fortunately , Daughter is more stable and is handling disruptions in her routine better these days . Posted by I received a call a little while ago from Daughter 's Case Manager , who also had the two workshop bosses in her office . Flasher is returning to the workshop Monday , and they were trying to figure out how to handle that with Daughter . I 'm grateful that they called me . We discussed strategies for equipping Daughter . . CM gets Daughter , and for that I 'm very grateful . The biggest challenge is timing - - Daughter is trolling for a boyfriend in preparation for Valentine 's Day . We decided that I would plan some fun Mother and Daughter thing for Valentine 's Day to take her mind off romance . I think she 's in a better place to deal with this right now . I hope , anyway . CM was going to talk to her today and help her make a plan for how she will deal with Flasher when he returns . Posted by Daughter came down a little while ago and announced that she had found her birth mother on the internet . Now Daughter has an IQ of 68 . BM 's name is common , so I was skeptical , but sure enough , she had the right town and the right age . I didn 't know she knew the town BM lived in . The last time she had contact with BM , we had a series of 3 psychiatric hospitalizations over the course of the next couple of months . Every mention of BM since has caused psychotic episodes . We ( Therapist , Psychiatrist and me ) finally told her she couldn 't have contact with BM . . It might be good that I had a Vicodin before the conversation . I calmly reminded her what happened last time she had contact with BM . I reminded her that she is safe here . I told her contact with BM is not a good idea . She is thinking about BM because I had surgery today and she is scared . She 's afraid I 'm going to die or something , which has her thinking about the mom she lost . . I won 't forbid her from contacting BM . I am encouraged that she came to tell me about it before she picked up her cell phone to call BM . At this point I guess the important thing is to keep her talking to me about it . It would be nice if she applied the same skill and ingenuity to other things that she applied to her internet search tonight . Now it 's time for another Vicodin and bed . . . . This afternoon I had surgery on my right wrist for carpal tunnel . I couldn 't believe how easy it was . Of course , my hand is still numb , so I may feel differently when the anesthesia wears off and I can feel it again . The windows are are almost done - - one left to do tomorrow . They also decided to repair a couple of cracks . The cracks turned out to be a bit more than they anticipated . The top one is the vestibule . The bottom one is the guest room . Posted by KJK and I were talking today . Daughter is doing better . Aside from wetting herself occasionally , she is really in a better place . She was not clingy while we were gone . She was able to entertain herself . She didn 't complain and whine , in fact she was remarkably cooperative and patient as we left her to fend for herself while we did worship planning . She laughs now . . As you can imagine , it 's a huge relief to see her so much happier . Tomorrow I have surgery for carpal tunnel in my right wrist . Daughter has been pretty concerned about that in the past , so we 'll see how she reacts when it really happens . Posted by KJK and I worked on worship planning most of the day today . I 'm pleased with what we 've accomplished . It 's always exciting to plan worship themes . We 've both been through the lectionary more times than we like to count now , and so it is especially exciting when we find a new perspective , which we did several times today . . I also rewrote the information for my search for a new position . It is an involved process that involves answering questions about leadership style , accomplishments , faith , theology , service to the church , etc . I sent it off to Far Away Sister , who thought it looked good . She had some minor suggestions for improvement , and encouraged me to look at where I would be willing to move . . In many ways the fact that I 'm not going to be moving soon made the worship planning process easier - - I wasn 't trying to anticipate the needs of a new church . . Daughter has done well . This has been a good indication of her emotional improvement . She has basically been left on her own to entertain herself . I 've let her sleep in both days . Yesterday we did some shopping . Today we 're finally going to go see the movie Blind Side . KJK has a board meeting she has to attend , so we 're going to the movie while she 's in her meeting , and then we 'll go out to eat . Daughter has watched TV with Uncle B and played wii with him while her Aunt K and I worked . It 's kind of nice that Uncle B was downsized and is around to do things with Daughter . It 's been great to hear her laughing and enjoying herself . . She was down for a while last night , and told me she couldn 't take being rejected by churches anymore . I told her that God has someplace better in mind for us . I just hope that better place is revealed to us soon . Posted by I don 't think this call is going to come through . That is probably a very good thing . The church would be very challenging . Very challenging . God knows best , of course . . Daughter continues to have problems with wetting herself . Brother got a call from her after church yesterday - - she was in the restroom and needed me to bring her clean clothes . My cell phone was still turned off from worship . She wet herself again at 4 : 00 this morning . I bought a kit to test to see if she had a UTI , which would be a convenient excuse and an easy fix . Unfortunately , she doesn 't . . Today we 're at my good friends ' home . They both have things to do this morning , so Daughter and I are going shopping . This afternoon KJK and I will work on worship planning and Daughter will entertain herself with DVD 's and video games . B was headed up to the shower . I told him as he passed the room where Daughter was sleeping to tell her if she got up , I 'd take her shopping . He came down a minute later chuckling . He said he got no response until he mentioned shopping , then she was wide awake and ready to go . . I 'm frustrated with the ongoing wetting problems . It 's not one that is easily fixed . At this point , I 'm telling her regularly to go to the bathroom . I 'm ready for what 's next - - her next physical symptom , the next church that is interested in me , my next call to begin . I 'm ready to move on . Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
Once upon time in the city that never sleeps , lived a girl named Cindy Ella . She came from the northeastern section of Manhattan also known as Spanish Harlem . After the news of her mother dying in a tragic car accident , Cindy and her father decided to take their life savings along with the insurance money and move to the Upper East Side . Cindy 's father knew that the money wouldn 't last so he got a job in the area at the Metropolitan Museum of Art . At work , her father began to see another women who is a curator . One date turned into two and one month turned into six . Shortly after he remarried the curator at the Museum . He 's new wife came along with two other children from a previous marriage . So the father and stepmother decided for the entire family to move in together for financial reasons . Right from the start Cindy 's stepsisters treated her very poorly like as if she wasn 't a member of the family . Apparently when they moved into the new home Cindy 's was left with the tinniest room in the house while her stepsisters got everything . Since her father was working so much to support them he wasn 't around to defend his daughter , so the stepsisters made Cindy clean the house , do their laundry , and anything else they needed to get done . But out of the kindness of her heart she put up with it . She didn 't want to cause a disturbance in the family to ruin her and her father 's new life . So night after night she prayed for things to be better for her and her family . While at work her father got word of an event that was coming to the museum . So obviously since he and is wife are employee 's they will be attending with their children . On the first Friday in September the museum was hosting a gala affair for a new ancient Egyptian exhibit opening , it was expected that the New York Elite would be attending . When the family was given the news about the party the three girls where ecstatic and wanted to rush out the door to find what they wanted to wear . But the two stepsisters leaned to Cindy and said " onSeptember 24 , 2007 at 1 : 42 AM Orphan Ella Once upon a time there was a little girl named Ella . She was beautiful , elegant and everyone adored her . The only problem was that she was missing the one thing that meant the most to her . One year ago both her parents suddenly died . She was now in an orphanage feeling alone and unloved , with her two demanding sisters . Many miles away set atop a hill was a luxurious castle with many servants and keepers . The beautifully manicured gardens led way to white doves circling around above . Although everything was beautiful inside there was a man , a king , who was devastated . He had just lost his wife , the love of his life . All the king ever wanted was a daughter with blond hair of gold and sea blue eyes . In the orphanage Ella sat in grungy , dirty clothes . She was treated very poorly and felt very hungry . There was not enough food sometimes so Ella went hungry , as her sisters indulged in double the portions . Her sisters would make her do all their chores . Ella was stuck mopping the floors and cleaning the windows while her sisters played . She would sit at the window after all her chores were done and look up to wish upon a star . She would cry about her parents and think back to the days of warmth and safety . Oh , how she longed for that feeling again . One snowy and frigid day the King ordered his servants to go out and find a daughter for him to love . He insisted that the girl must have the same golden blond hair his wife once had . So , the servants set out to find the perfect match . They looked all over the village and beyond . Many girls died their hair , but it still didn 't match . Others tried wigs , but to the touch they were fake . After many days they returned to the castle to inform their king that they can not find the perfect golden locks . The king insisted that they continue their search . " Go to every orphanage until you find the one with the golden locks , " said the King . One night as Ella lay asleep on the floor her sisters lay in soft beds talking about the king 's search . " We will be ready for September 24 , 2007 at 2 : 41 PM Kerrie WeeksEng 217Fairytale AssignmentLittle Red Riding Hood PoemGrandmother is sickMother wants me to give her a lickOf some bread and butterIt has reached that timeDon 't stray from the path is on my mindWhat a lovely dayListening to the birds sing makes me want to playI see a wolf along the wayI do not want to stayI take the path of needlesAs he takes the path of pinsGrandmother I am herePush open the bolt lock my dearThere 's some meat and wine for you , andWhen you 're done there 's room in this here bed for two " Oh , granny how hairy you are ! " " The better to keep me warm , my child ! " " Oh , granny what long nails you have ! " " The better to scratch myself with , my child ! " " Oh , granny what big shoulders you have ! " " The better to carry firewood with , my child ! " " Oh , granny what big ears you have ! " " The better to hear you with , my child ! " " Oh , granny what big nostrils you have ! " " The better to sniff my tobacco with , my child ! " " Oh , granny what a big mouth you have ! " " The better to eat you with , my child ! " " Oh granny , I have to pee " Tied up she went out by the treeAttached the rope to that tree and ran and ranUntil she was freeStatementI am not that creative when it comes to making up stories , let alone fairytales , so I chose to go ahead and make Little Red Riding Hood into a poem . This fairytale is one that I have never forgotten , and how hard can it be to create a poem ? Trust me it can be , if you do not have that creative voice in your head . I had a little difficulty writing this poem , but what I wanted overall was to keep it short and to the point . That is why you may notice the poem is coming from Red Riding Hood , and the big bad wolf 's perspective most of the time . There is not much room in the poem for adding all the other little details that make the fairytale so memorable . I based this poem off the version in CFT , " The Story of Grandmother . " This version held my attention because of how short and to the point it is . The one part of the story that I added into thSeptember 24 , 2007 at 3 : 58 PM Rebecca Moulton September 25 , 2007Maggie and MichaelIn a place not so far from here lived a very poor family who loved one another so deeply that they never missed all the material things that most people had because they had each other . The mother and father worked in the same factory , she sewed , and the father operated the machines . They had two perfect children , Maggie and Michael . One sad day the mother had a fatal accident leaving her poor husband with their precious children to raise on his own . As time went by the husband decided his children needed a mother . He remarried a poor women who sold vegetables in town at the outside market . One year a terrible winter set in , it was the worst that was seen in centuries . This cold killed all of the mother 's vegetables and the factory had to close because there wasn 't enough oil to run the machines and heat the factory . After months of no money , the family could not afford flour to make bread . One night the mother said to her husband , " we cannot feed the children or ourselves , what shall we do ? ' The husband felling that he had failed his children and his new wife was beside himself . After giving the children the last morsel in the cupboard that night , the mother said to her husband , " I have a plan . We should leave the children in the orphanage to be adopted by a family who can feed them . " The father 's heart broke even more when his wife spoke those words . He replied , " I will not leave my children , no one can love them like I do " . As days passed , the family was starving and he agreed with the wife to leave the children in the orphanage to save them . Maggie couldn 't sleep on that particular night because her stomach was growling with hunger pains , so she overheard what the mother and father were planning . She thought all night and wondered how they would find their way home from the orphanage . Early that morning Maggie sifted through the garbage in front of their house and found bottle caps . She filled her pockets with them . That morning when the fSeptember 24 , 2007 at 4 : 07 PM As a young girl Ela had a wonderful childhood . Her family lived comfortably in a well kept house in a safe upper - middleclass neighborhood . Ela and her sister knew they were lucky to have great toys and were thankful that their parents wanted them to experience all the great things life has to offer . Their parents taught them that hard work pays off . Ela never thought things would change until suddenly one day they did . Ela 's parents divorced and she and her sister moved in with their mother in a small ranch across town . Money was tight and Ela 's mother worked many hours and often picked up extra shifts to afford the rent so her children could finish school with their friends . Ela knew this meant that she would need to get a job and she would have hard work ahead of her balancing school and a job but she kept her mothers words in mind " Hard work will pay off " . The day after her sixteenth birthday Ela walked down to the dress shop a couple blocks from her home . She knew that there had been a hiring sign in the window a couple weeks before and hoped that they still had a position available . This was the only place with in walking distance and she knew that her mother did not have the time to be picking her up and dropping her off at work . After talking and pleading with the owner he agreed to let her work but he told her that he would only pay her at a low wage until she proved herself worthy of working at his shop . Ela knew that he was capable of paying her more but she needed the job desperately so she accepted the offer . For five years Ela worked at the dress shop . The few hours she worked every week soon became days . Ela attended school during the day then worked after school and all weekend . The other girls at the shop looked down on Ela . They often tossed their work onto Ela so they could leave early and take extra long breaks . They were pushy and bossy and often blamed Ela for what went wrong . The work Ela did went unnoticed . The pay raise she was promised was raised very little thanks to the antics oSeptember 24 , 2007 at 4 : 53 PM Angelina CarnevaleDaddy Doesn 't Love Me : It 's not really Happily ever after , is it ? And they lived happily ever after . . . or did they ? No one really tells you what happens after the heroine is saved or wins her prince . After the honeymoon is over Cinderella realizes that she still feels empty inside . Little Red Riding Hood develops an obession with her savior , the woodsman , and is overcome by jealousy when he marries her mother . This is a tale of two women , searching for the lost love of their fathers , but instead they find each other . The prince is gone , again , to another kingdom to improve diplomatic relations , and Cinderella is bored out of her mind . Her glass slippers are the only thing that make her feel remotely good about herself anymore , so she wears them all the time . The palace is grand , but feels so empty . Cinderella has invited her father over to dine with them several times , but he always turns her down . He used to make excuses , each more lame than the last , but finally he just stopped answering at all . Cinderella knew it was her wicked stepmother that was causing this . Even after all that she put Cinderella through , Cinderella 's father never abandoned her and her awful daughters . Even after she married a prince , he never once looked at Cinderella and told her that she was beautiful and that he was proud of her . Cinderella didn 't know what else she could do to win his affection , and eventually she despaired and decided to wander into the woods with the intention of being eaten by a wolf . Little Red Riding Hood , or Red , as the woodsman used to affectionately call her , was on her way back from her grandmother 's house , muttering to herself about how pointless her journey was . Red knew that her mother only sent her out there so that she could bone the woodsman , whom she married shortly after he had rescued Red . Red was so grateful to the woodsman that she insisted on him coming home with her and meeting her mother . Red 's mother was a widow , her husband having been dead since Red was an infant , September 24 , 2007 at 5 : 07 PM Once upon a time , there were three sorority girls living together in a third floor apartment on the outskirts of their suburban campus . They were as close as sisters could be , although they came from different areas of the country . One day , Molly , a sister who had previously lived with them , and had switched schools at the start of the semester decided to come and pay them a surprise visit . When Molly 's flight arrived on Sunday at 11 : 00 a . m . , she grabbed a taxi and made her way to their apartment . Upon arrival , she rapped loudly on the door several times , waiting for her sisters to look out the peephole and excitedly rush out to greet her . Much to her dismay , there was no response . She knocked again , and hearing no movement inside , took out her old key to the apartment and let herself in . Molly shook her head and chuckled under her breath as she stepped inside and took a sweeping look around the apartment . Trina 's shoes were neatly lined up on the floor all the way down the wall in the entrance hall as always . She was the neatest person Molly had encountered since moving away from home . Unable to help herself , since Trina had bought so many amazing new pairs of shoes since she had last seen her , Molly kicked off her own flip - flops to try a few pairs on . First she tried on the gold Coach sneakers , walking up and down the hallway to test them out . " Ouch , they are a little tight , and they don 't really match my mini skirt " she said , kicking them off back into the pile . Next , she tried on Trina 's leopard print platform slides , strutting up and down the hallway to test them out . " Ohh they make my legs look long and luscious . And who doesn 't love animal print ? " she thought . " But perhaps these would be better for Thursday night when we go clubbing , " she said kicking them off into the line of shoes . She slid her feet into the chestnut colored mid - calf Ugg boots that were next in line , leisurely sauntering up and down the hallway to test them out . " Wow , these are amazing , " she said . " They are asSeptember 24 , 2007 at 5 : 30 PM Once Upon a BoyNot to very long ago there was a very nice boy with golden hair just like the sun and heart that was the most pure . One day the little boy 's father past away and left him to his mother 's care . Since she worked so many hours he taught himself how to sew , dance , cook , and clean the house . When he reached to be a teenager his mother remarried to a man who brought along two daughters . Neither the stepfather nor the stepsisters were happy to have a new man in the house , but they certainly did get used to all of the things he did for them . Soon they just took advantage of his ability to sew their clothes , make them breakfast lunch and dinner , and even clean up after them . The father eventually took over his stepson 's room to make a bigger closet for his two daughters and made his stepson a new bed on the couch next to the fire . Since he spent most of the time next to the fire they began to call the boy Cindred . Along with all of the house chores he spent most of his time sitting in his father 's old pick - up truck crying and praying for something to happen to change his horrible life . Cindred 's stepfather and stepsisters did not understand him nor did they treat him well , always bossing him around and making him do things his father would never have even asked him to do . Every year there was a festival in honor of the mayor , which everyone in town attended . Cindred and his stepsisters were so excited about the festival because of the dance competition . The mayor would judge who was the best dancer in the competition and they would win a cash prize . So the stepsisters had Cindred make their costumes and help with their dance routine . Cindred always loved to dance and asked his stepsisters if they could help him with his routine and costume , but all they did was laugh at him and call him names for wanting to do such a " girly " thing . He burst into tears and ran to his father 's old pickup truck and prayed and wept because no one understood him . He was so upset he cried himself to sleep and staySeptember 24 , 2007 at 7 : 06 PM " Rajkumari Kongkaboti " Once upon a time there was a happy king and his family , who lived in a village called Dhanshiri . The family had only one daughter whose name was Rajkumari Kongkaboti . They had an apple tree in their front yard . One day the king adjured his wife not to eat any apples from that tree , or else she would become a cow . In response to that , his wife begged him not to eat any apples from the tree either , or else he would become a monkey . A long time passed by ; neither of them broke their promises . Until one day the queen , while giving an apple to her daughter , she also took a little bite to taste , while her husband was not present . As soon as she took the bite , she turned into a cow . When the king came home and saw that a cow was running around the house , he was extremely upset because he knew it was none other than his own beloved wife . He kept the cow tied up in the yard of his home and tended it very carefully . After a few years the king married again , but his new wife was not so kind to his daughter . As time passed by she disliked Kongkaboti more . She let Kongkaboti do all the house work and gave her little food . Her mother , the cow , heard her complaining and noticed that she was getting weak and thin . So the cow secretly called Kongkaboti and told her that whenever she is hungry just to strike the cow 's horns and then the food will fall down for her . She did so , and instead of becoming weaker , as her stepmother expected , she turned stronger and prettier . The wicked woman was so surprised to see Kongkaboti getting so fat and strong while she was giving her little food . In the meantime , one ugly daughter was born to this wicked woman . She loved the girl with all of her heart and gave all the attention which was needed . Once the girl had grown a little big , the wicked woman sent her with Kongkaboti to play and ordered her to notice how and where she obtained anything to eat . The girl promised her mother to do so and stayed very carefully with Kongkaboti for a whole day . The girl saw how KongkabSeptember 24 , 2007 at 8 : 45 PM Once upon a time in the middle of summer , there was a national ranked softball team . The team had exactly nine players , who all had a lot of talent and skill . There was one player , who was young and very quiet , but she shined on the field and her talent came so natural . Her name was Tyla . It was her first year joining the new team and exciting to play this summer . The team 's pitcher and captain of the squad , has a huge ego and thought she was the best thing that played the game . She could not accept being second to anyone in softball . Later that evening after practice , the pitcher went home to her room . She had a magical mirror that would tell her the truth . Looking upon the mirror she would always ask : " Mirror , mirror , on the wall , Who 's the best athlete of them all ? " The mirror would always reply : " you are the best athlete of them all . " The pitcher was happy and new she was the best one on the field . This time after practice and Tyla joining the team things were a little different . When the pitcher went home and looked at her upon the mirror she asked : " Mirror , mirror , on the wall , Who 's the best athlete of them all ? " The mirror replied : you are good but Tyla is so much better of an athlete than you are . " The pitcher could not accept that she was no longer the best and decided that she needed to get rid of Tyla once and for all . She knew that the only way to be the star was to hurt Tyla bad enough that she could not play anymore . The next day in practice the evil pitcher decided that she was going to try to take her out . She pitched the ball as hard as she can , hitting Tyla right in the knee . This knocked Tyla down causing her a great deal of pain . She was unable to practice the rest of the day . The other seven team mates started to notice that the pitcher did not like Tyla and hurt her intentionally . They decided that they were going to help Tyla get better fast so she can still play . Getting her ice and wrapping her leg up tight . They told Tyla to stay away from the evil pitcher at practice . September 24 , 2007 at 9 : 40 PM Kerry McQueeneyEnglish 217Dr . Sonnenschein September 25 , 2007Pink RibbonThere was a girl so cute and adorable that everyone in her small suburban town knew of her . Her most recognizable feature was a pink ribbon , which had been given to her by her Granny that she wore in her hair every day . Because of this ribbon , all the townspeople called her Pinky . One - day Pinky 's mother told her , " Here you go sweetie " as she handed her two thermoses , " Here is some fresh chicken noodle soup and some hot tea for your Granny . She has been quite ill lately and maybe a visit from you and this food will make her feel better . " Pinky excitedly ran out to the shed and took her bike to go on her ride . Just as Pinky was placing the thermoses in her basket and climbing on her bike , her Mother came outside to give her one last warning . " Pinky please be careful while riding to Granny 's house it is your first time going by yourself , " her mother said , " I do not want you talking to strangers . And don 't ride on the main road it 's too busy , stay on the side streets ! " Pinky assured her mother that she would do as instructed as she put on her helmet , and peddled off . Pinky was carefully riding her bike along all the side streets and looking both ways before she crossed the street and when she was a quarter of the way there the neighborhood bully Timmy started following her on his scooter . Timmy was only one year older , but possessed an overwhelming presence over Pinky . As soon as he saw her Timmy started chanting , " Look at Pinky , still sucking her binky , too little to be on the busy street , still has to be on the side street ! " " Why can 't you just leave me alone ? " Pinky whined back , " All I want to do is go visit my Granny . " Nevertheless , Timmy started up again , " Look at Pinky , still sucking her binky , too little to be on the busy street , still has to ride her bike on the side street ! " Pinky started to be upset and exclaimed back , " Timmy , I can too ride my bike on the busy street ! I 'll prove it to you ! September 24 , 2007 at 10 : 29 PM Tyler Greco9 / 25 / 07English 217Bigger than a Bagger Once upon a time , there was boy named Tommy . He loved the game of baseball and played it everyday . He lived in the small town of Fort Myers Florida with his father and his father 's girlfriend . One day , he was playing baseball in the park and he saw a flyer that was posted about a baseball tryout for the Fort Myers Miracles , a minor league team for the Minnesota Twins . He rushed home and told his father about what he had read on the fence in the park . His father 's girlfriend overheard them talking and rudely interrupted them . She said that Tommy was a mediocre player and did not have the skill that the major league players such as David Ortiz from the Boston Red Sox . Tommy 's father was afraid to upset his girlfriend , so he told Tommy that he would be better off working as a bagger at the local " Publix " grocery store . Tommy did not let this discourage him . He was going to practice everyday in the park until the day of the tryout . Tommy was woken up on the day of the tryout by the sound of his father hammering on the walls . Tommy forgot that his father 's girlfriend told him that he had to stay home and help his father all day . Tommy was devastated because he did not know how he would be able to make it to the tryout . When his father took a break to eat lunch , Tommy pretended to go to the bathroom . Instead , he grabbed his lucky bat and his glove and ran down to the field where the tryout was being held . The team was just about to end the tryout when Tommy ran onto the field . They threw him batting practice and then let him field some ground balls . Tommy never imagined that he would be trying out with players of this caliber . Tommy looked up at the jumbo - Tran in centerfield and saw the clock said it was one o ' clock . He had been gone from his house for an hour . If his father 's girlfriend found out that he had gone to the tryout , she would never let him go play baseball in the park again . He immediately stopped playing catch and started to run off of the September 24 , 2007 at 10 : 42 PM Once upon a time in a cottage far away , lived a father and his two daughters . The eldest daughter was an average looking girl , with no special features about her . The youngest daughter however , was beautiful . She had hair as black as a clear winter 's sky , skin as fair as porcelain and lips as red a rose . Her name was snow white . Their father had been ill for quite some time , but only the eldest daughter looked after him . This often made the eldest daughter angry because even after all she did for her father ; snow white was still the apple of his eye and the center of attention . One night the eldest daughter decided she was tired of hearing how wonderful and beautiful her sister was . She had been practicing witchcraft for years and decided that she would cast spells on her sister to make her par for all the misery she caused her . She cast spells to make her hair fall out and turn her fair porcelain skin wrinkled and sandpaper like . Unfortunately for the eldest sister , her spells didn 't work ; they just seemed to make her more beautiful . Finally , she thought out loud " enough is enough " . The eldest sister was tired of always being second best . She did all the work around the house and took care of her father , but still wasn 't good enough for anyone . " Snow white must die ! " she said . The sister plotted day after day to eliminate her sister show white but , nothing seemed good enough . Finally she came up with the perfect way to eliminate her sister once and for all . Each morning , snow white would go out to the water well in her yard and sing to the animals in the yard . When her back was turned , the eldest sister pushed her into the well . It was seven feet deep and made of soundproof glass ; no one would be able to hear her . The sister was very happy with her , and thought that everything would finally be right in her life now , but when she returned home her father sensed that something was wrong . When snow white didn 't return home that night , her father sent out an army of men to search for her . When no oneSeptember 25 , 2007 at 12 : 30 AM Years ago , at the edge of the forest , A man , a wife , and two children live . Family in famine , no bread , the worst . A man wanting to provide , nil to give . O no , how tragic , what is he to do ? A poor and old woodcutter he is only , Set in his ways , a skill of new not knew , Can just sit and worry , the end gloomy . The wife of a woodcutter , his lover , Now the stepmother of his two children . And the children , so crafty , so clever , But to the mother noting but burden . Nothing for them here , life is but a bore . Family , they are starving , they are poor . A poor starving family at a loss , They must do something before it 's too late . The children in to the woods they will toss And becoming food themselves is their fate . Deep in to the dark woods they will lead them With nothing but a slice of bread to eat Then slip away when they rest , to condemn Them to their doom , to become but mincemeat . The crafty boy has heard all of the plan , But of his own , one he has , make a path Of shiny stones leading to the woodman . Early gathered in pocket , stones he hath . The others mother put herself above , But the good children have each other 's love . In the morning a family left home , Together through the wooden path they go By the camp fire they are left alone . Tired from their trip , sleeps our young heros . Fast asleep their parents gone , no one there They awoke amidst the darkness around , No fire , no parents , no one , a nightmare , Emptiness , not one soul here to be found . The moon lighting their path of shiny stones They followed the stone path they knew so dear Straight to their home they walked all night aloneArriving home father let out a cheer . In morning a family left as four , Caring , compassion , that is their saviour . Their stepmother was enraged , her plan failed , Blind to her own greed , so she could not see She cannot win , and with a sigh exhaled , " The next plan will surely work easily . Further into the dark she went than last Dragging the children she blamed so much for The hunger that controlled , made her downcast , But she could September 25 , 2007 at 1 : 55 AM Lea MineoSeptember 25 , 2007Lit 217Modern Fairy TaleLittle Silver PumpIn a small town in Connecticut , there was a girl named Cindi . When she was young her parents divorced and her mother left . Her father was a wonderful man but she was young and longed for a mother . A year had passed and he finally met someone . She was magnificent to look at but inside she was ugly . She wanted her father to be happy so she kept her opinions to herself and gave her approval . Her father did remarry and they moved to a beautiful house in the country . Moving day was approaching and Cindi was excited to choose her new bedroom . She envisioned a room with a picture window overlooking the pond in the back . Her two step sisters got the nice , beautiful rooms up stairs . They even got their own bathrooms ! Her step mother put her room in the basement . The dirty , cold basement . It was now summer vacation and Cindi was excited to think of all the fun she 'll be having but instead her step mother put her to work . She had to clean the house , mow the lawn and clean the barn every week . She was devastated . Her step mother even took away her cell phone , so she couldn 't even call her friends . For once Cindi was actually excited to get back to school . Once school started Cindi thought things might change . She was going into her senior year at Scared Heart Academy and there was this boy she liked that went to Notre Dame of West Haven . When she returned to school her friends were upset with her that they hadn 't spoke all summer . Cindi tried to explain … but they wouldn 't listen . Her step mother ruined everything ! She went home upset , and once again her step mother put her to work , cleaning the kitchen and bathroom . The days and nights flew by extremely quickly because this is what her life consisted of . One day at school she heard all the girls buzzing about their upcoming senior prom . She didn 't even realize it was May ! She thought to herself , " I am not going to be able to go to prom . " Cindi began to sob in the hallway . Her guidance counselorSeptember 25 , 2007 at 6 : 42 AM Cindy was a sad and lonely girl . She sat day by day in her little room akin to a porcelain tub and pushed mail into trays , boxes , and carts , but Cindy had not always been a serf to her superiors . In previous Cindy had been a project manager for her mother 's investment company , but New York can be a cruel place . One minor mistake and Cindy had lost a client millions of irreplaceable dollars . Anyone else would have been terminated , but Cindy 's mother could not replace her daughter . After a few months , Cindy 's mother had grown ill and eventually died from small cell lung cancer . With her mother 's death , Cindy 's father inherited the company and struggled to keep it afloat . Flash forward two months and a new woman was brought in to be Assistant Vice President . This woman had no emotional attachments and would do everything in her power to see that her daughters would become figureheads for the company . Her immediate disdain for Cindy was made apparent when she swept Cindy to the mailroom . Cindy toiled day and night in the mailroom trying to re - establish herself within the company her loving mother had set up for her inherit and run . However , Cindy could never do anything right in the eyes of the Assistant VP . Cindy would anguish in the mailroom for some time longer . Cindy began to become more jovial despite her servitude to the mailroom once she had coped with her mother 's death . Seeing that everyone in her life had abandoned or left her , Cindy was like a dummy to her need for emotional and physical attachment . She began to flaunt herself around the office , but did not lower her self to the status of whoredom . Her wiles worked . Cindy maintained a constant schedule and her lunch was no different . She ate her meals at the same little restaurant on the corner of fifth and Walnut . She caught the eye of a tall , dark , handsome man by the name of Pere while eating by her lonesome in the corner of the deli . As he sauntered over to her , she looked up and began to ignore him . He realized she was playing hard to get , September 25 , 2007 at 8 : 45 AM Ronald TurnerLiterature 2179 / 25 / 07 Once upon a time in a land far away where green grass cant grow over the pavement and trees are rarely seen in the shadows of towering buildings . There lived a beautiful girl the finest in the city , with her long hair and fair skin she earned the nick name Red by all the local boys . Red lived with her mother in the part of town many wouldn 't dare to go but they were happy . Red a star in basketball had the world at her finger tips . " Red bring this little bit of money to your grandmothers house so she can buy some cigarettes and lotto tickets and hurry up " her mother told her . " Dang why I always gotta go over there , shoot ! " And she was on her way down the block , through the park where she often plays ball , past the corner store and down near the package store . She stopped for a minute because her feet were hurting her and sat on the curb where she took off the beaten shoe to stretch her foot . " Hey there red " a voice said behind her . She turned it was Marques Wolfe a local guy who always hung out infront of the package store and always wore the nicest close and latest kicks . " So where you on your way too " he asked . " To my grandmothers house " Red said . And he let her alone , so she thought knowing where her grandmother lived he beat her there he was very cunning and trick the grandmother into leaving saying that pastor had called an emergency church meeting and if she needed she could use his car . Red got to the house and notice the door was open so she went in thinking that grandmother never leaves her door open in fear of being robbed . " Hello Red " a voice called out . " Iv been expecting you Iv got something for you its on the table . Red went over to the table only to find a bag of what she thought looked like sugar , a spoon and a lighter . " But grandmother what is this for " she asked . " Just do what grandmother says " the voice bellowed . Red had heard about what people do what such things and new her grandmother would never ask her to do such a thingSeptember 25 , 2007 at 9 : 50 PM My Version of Little Red Riding Hood Once upon a time , in a small town known as Monroe a woman was putting together a small care basket for this guy she was seeing . She put everything in the basket , put on her shoes , and tied her infamous blue bow up in her hair . She wore her little bow with every outfit , it was what she was known for . Some people even called her Little blue . She started to walk down the street , seeing as though her boyfriend only lived a couple of blocks from her place , there was really no reason for her to drive there . She walked and walked , and then all of the sudden met up with a girl she thought looked vaguely familiar . The other girl , was tall with blonde hair and bright green eyes , and her name was Sandy . Sandy knew exactly who Little blue was because a few months before she had found out that her boyfriend had cheated on her with Little Blue . She was devastated and still hadn 't gotten over it . She knew exactly where she was going . But she proceeded to be nice , and she said , " Oh , Hi ! How are you ? " Little Blue replied , " I 'm great ! , how are you ? Do I know you from somewhere ? " Sandy wasn 't sure if she should tell the truth of how she knew Little Blue , so she lied , " Yea , I think we met through your friend Jen at a party a few weeks back . " " Oh that 's right now I remember ! " , said Little Blue . " So where are you headed ? " Little Blue , thinking that she had met this girl at a party was happy to share where she was going with her . So she began to tell her that her boyfriend wasn 't feeling well , and that she was going over to give him some treats to make him feel better . Sandy felt bad her ex boyfriend was sick , and thought of a great plan to get back at both of them . So she said by to Little Blue and walked briskly down a side street . Sandy knew a fast way to her ex boyfriends house and took off . Little Blue , on the way there decided she should stop and get some ice cream for him because she knew how much he loved it . Which only ended up working in Sandy 's favor . SandySeptember 25 , 2007 at 10 : 25 PM Michelle ColeEnglish 21725 September 2007Little Annie and the Prom : A Modern Cinderella Tale Once upon a time , in a quaint area tucked away from the hustle and bustle of the city , there was a town of close - knit civilians called Andersville . This town was so discrete that not many outsiders knew it existed , but those who lived there had very satisfying and safe lives away from the crime and insecurity found in the city now - a - days . Not many newcomers find themselves in these few blocks that they consider a town , but this year it was going to change . Happy Endings High School , the only high school in the area of course , had a population total of about 300 attendees and focused on the futures or ' happy endings ' of the students that graduated with the school as their alma mater . The school was just like any other high school , well equipped with the judgmental cliques , popular girls and boys , and those who fell short of these categories . On the day that little Annie Timid enrolled in the high school as a new transfer student , the students were in for a big surprise as the normalcy of the school was to be compromised . Living with a father who traveled multiple places with his job made life difficult for Annie , but having moved about four times in the past year , she was getting used to the transition phase . Although her father was almost always at work , her parents were very protective of her safety and were strict with the rules she had to follow . Annie did not ever complain about anything for she appreciated what she was able to do . Starting at Happy Endings was more difficult than she had anticipated , the constant teasing about her apparel , and her not having many companions being a new student had her in the guidance office at least two times a day . Annie was strong when it came to ridicule and she found comfort in spending time talking to Ms . Benign , one of the school 's guidance counselors . Although Annie was teased often , she was happy with herself and her choices in clothing , she didn 't see it necessary toSeptember 25 , 2007 at 11 : 59 PM There was once a little girl named Red Riding Hood . Her granny lived inside the deep dark wood . She visited her granny whenever she could . Inside the forest lived a big bad wolf . Who thought Red Riding Hood would taste , Oh So Good ! As soon as the wolf began feelThat he would like to enjoy a nice big meal . He crept into the wood to catch his feastAnd Red Riding Hood appeared a rather small piece . He knew that granny would offer a much bigger deal , And with his sharp white teeth and rather large feetWolf ran over to granny 's street . With a knock on the door and a hunger for more , Granny announced " Come in my sweet . " Wolf rushed right in and gave her a grinAnd didn 't expect the hit with a tin ! See Red Riding Hood was on his tailAnd what he didn 't know , Was that Granny worked for the jail . Granny knocked him down and cuffed him up , The big bad wolf had to give up . Red Riding Hood rushed right in , And said to Wolf " Villains never win . " Artist 's StatementI chose to include the motif of Red Riding Hood being very young and innocent but , I then changed her almost naïve nature into awareness . I think children these days understand more than we give them credit for . It seemed to me in every Red Riding Hood tale she was either rescued or killed . I wanted children to know that they too can be helpful in a bad situation . Granny in my poem was used as a good example , a leader . Showing that she could outsmart the wolf would allow kids to believe in the power of knowledge and courage . Another motif that I chose to use was the " big bad wolf . " This was very significant in many of the tales because the wolf is seen as ferocious and unforgiving . He is also used as a symbol of a man who is perhaps dangerous . I didn 't want the wolf to die in my poem because , I felt as though children shouldn 't believe that all " bad " people are condemned to death . Another common motif I used was good triumphs over evil . I chose to write a poem and make it short because I feel as though children remember rhymes more vividly and they just donSeptember 26 , 2007 at 6 : 03 PM Justin Violette Dr . SonnenscheinEnglish 217 - 17Fairy Tale Assignment9 / 25 / 07 There once was a very wealthy family that lived New York . There was a father , a stepmother , and two children , from the marriage with the father 's late wife , named Michelle and Samuel . The family lived very prosperously in the middle of the city . They drove around in limos , flew in their private jet , went on vacation where and whenever they pleased , and had all the great commodities you could ever dream of having . The father was the only one in the family who worked , and then again he was the only one who had to because he owned the best hotels in the country . The children went to school and when they came home they would do all the chores without question on top of their hours of homework . The stepmother spent everyday did nothing but enjoy the perks of marrying a rich man . The endless shopping , the day trips to exotic spots , days spent at the spas . The father had caught on to what it was the wife was doing , he was becoming tired with her just spending his money , and never doing anything but spend it while he and his children were working as hard as they could . One day the father came home from the doctors with terrible news . He had an incurable virus and the doctors didn 't think there was anything that they could do to save him . They had told him he had only one more month to live . He gathered the family and told them what the doctors had said , and they were all devastated . At this time he also announced that on his way home he had stopped at his lawyers to redo his will . Originally the stepmother was to get the bulk of his estate when he died so she could take care of the children , but Michelle was older now , 18 , and was mature enough to take care of Samuel , 12 . So he said that Michelle and Samuel would be left the house , cars , the company and all the money but $ 10 , 000 . This was all the stepmother would get since she had spent so much of the money . The stepmother was furious and devised a plan to get rid of the children so all the moSeptember 26 , 2007 at 7 : 44 PM I absolutely loved Emilie Bobowick 's version of Little Red Riding Hood . As I was reading it , it reminded me of my years in high school , and all the drama that went on between girls and their boyfriends . I feel that when people read this they can relate to when they have gotten hurt in a relationship . I thought it was well written and flowed good . It was simple but entertaining . I also enjoyed Leandra Brant ' sversion of the 3 Bears . I love how she related it to college life . Being a girl , I loved how she included the coach shoes and the leopard skirt . I also thought it was well written and throughout the whole story I stayed entertained . I LOVE Dancing Bella . It was a great version of " Cinderella . " The rhyming and dialogue made it very entertaining . The twist of the story made it more modern and the way dancing was incorporated made it very entertaining as well . It was a very well - done version of " Cinderella . " I really liked Kristy Schumann version of Little Red Riding Hood . I liked how she was able to put the story into a well - worded concise poem that entertained . It was a good way to re - do the fairy tale . " Chiquita Muñeca " There once was a little girl who lived in a small village . Her hair was as brown the dirt under her feet with eyes as green as the leaves on the trees . One day she received news that her poppy became very sick . This saddened her because of the close bond she shared with him . At his elderly age this made her think that she may not have much time left to spend with him . The young girl was known as Chiquita Muñeca because she was very beautiful and still . After receiving the unfortunate news about her poppy she made him a dinner of wild rice with healing herbs and chicken with a savoring papaya glaze . By the time she was finished night had fallen on the sky . She would now have to make her way through the jungle to her poppy 's small villa located right outside the jungle . She set out with her goods and made her way down to the entry of the jungle . She was a bit hesitant when thinking of all the wild animals , insects , and reptiles but she was afraid that this might be the last chance to see her poppy . She knew a lot about the creatures that lived in the jungle from her older brother who would take her with him on his hunts for food . So she regained her confidence and began to set out into the dark jungle praying to the Holy one that she could make it to poppy 's villa safely . Her quiet footsteps and awareness helped her make her way about a mile through the jungle . She then heard a noise coming from above her . She looked up to the trees and saw the giant leaves swaying and felt a cool night breeze run through her hair . She stood extremely still and waited a few minutes before continuing on her journey . Chiquita Muñeca felt a great presence after she continued on and knew not to move a muscle . She began to think that a creature may have smelt the goods she was bringing to poppy . But she did not want to abandon these goods for they may help heal her poppy . Then she looked into the deep darkness and saw two small and shiny objects in the distance . As they came closer she then saw an outline of smaSeptember 29 , 2007 at 8 : 19 PM Once upon a time there was a king whose wife died , and he had a little daughter whose name was Angela . The king married a woman by the name of Goldie , who later became very unfriendly toward poor Angela . One day while on a day trip , the queen came across a talking well . She asked : " Am I not the most beautiful queen in the world ? " The well replied : " Indeed you are not ! " She asked : " Who then ? " The well replied : " Why your daughter Angela . " The queen became furious and went home in rage . She decided to get rid of Angela and came up with a plan . She lay on her bed and pretended to become very ill . She told Angela the only way she would get better is she went off into the woods with the butler and helped find the unique wellness flower . Of course she agreed as she wanted the Queen to get better . The queen instructed the butler to kill Angela while they were in the woods or she would have his daughter killed . The butler didn 't want to kill Angela , but had no choice as since he didn 't want anything to happen to his family . They both went into the woods to find this flower , but had no luck . The butler became remorseful and couldn 't kill Angela . He told her the truth and said , " My dear run away , the queen has plans to kill you ! " Angela ran one way and the other for a long time , only to find herself even deeper in the dark woods . Evening came and suddenly she saw a light . She walked toward it and came to a little house . The house belonged to seven dwarfs . She approached the house and told them what had happened . " You don 't have to be afraid of us , " said the first dwarf . " Stay here with us and cook , sew , and wash for us . " Angela agreed and while they went to work , she worked around the house . One day while outside watering the flowers , the prince traveling by the house was astonished by how beautiful she was and decided to approach her . They talked away for a couple of hours and the prince felt as if he had fallen in love and went home to tell his father . The queen once again went to the well , but witSeptember 30 , 2007 at 1 : 27 PM The Pig BrothersBy Andrew Steel Once upon a time , in a land far far away , there lived a mother pig and father pig . They had a house set upon a hill top overlooking a vast meadow . The mother and father pig had three piglet sons . The three piglet brothers were always together and loved being around each other . But , the brothers grew up fast , and the mother and father pig knew their children would be leaving the house soon to build their own homes . So , the day came when the pig brothers were old enough and they left their parents home on a path to start their own lives . After walking for a while , the first pig saw a man with a bushel of straw and asked him , " Sir , may I have some of your straw to build a home " ? The man knew that he had more than enough and agreed to give the pig some for a house . So , the first pig picked a spot and began to build his home . The two remaining brothers continued on until they reached the edge of the forest . The second brother saw many sticks lying around and decided to use them to build his home . The two brothers said goodbye for now and the last pig continued on the path into the woods . The third brother came across a man with a cart full of bricks and asked , " Sir , can I have some of your bricks to build a home " ? The man realized he had been traveling all day and the cart was awfully heavy . He said that he would give him the bricks to help lighten his load . The pig thanked the man and began building his home . Unknown to the pigs , there was a wolf who had followed them from the second they left their parents home . He knew that if he waited long enough , he may be able to get one of the brothers alone and eat him up . He came to the first pigs house made of straw and said , " Little pig let me in . " The pig replied , " Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin . " The wolf responded with " Then I 'll huff and puff and blow your house in . " The little pig knew he was in trouble so as the wolf inhaled a huge breath of air , he ran out the back door towards the first brother 's home . JusSeptember 30 , 2007 at 10 : 58 PM I Greatly enjoyed Marlene Moutela version of the seven dwarfs . It was very entertaining and it was nice to see small but subtle changes to a famous fairy tale . I also really liked an annonymous entry about Little Red Riding Hood . It was so entertaining that it rhymed and it made for a fun read ! Great Job ! Once upon a time … there was a girl named Cindy up in the Fairfield hills of Connecticut . This young girl had a wonderful nurturing mother who took great care of her and raised her daughter like any great mother should . Her father , although he did love her very much , was always away on active duty in the military and felt that the upbringing of his only child and daughter should be left up to his wife . Cindy 's mother did in fact take care of her , raised her and taught her good morals and values that she would carry on for the rest of her life . Unfortunately , Cindy 's mother fell ill and soon passed away leaving her alone in the world with only her father . Her father had no idea how to deal with an adolescent young girl and quickly married another woman , thinking it would be best to have a woman in the house to run the household and take care of his daughter . Along with the step mother came along her two daughters . Once her father left again on duty , it was just Cindy , her step mother and step sisters living together in her home . Soon , it became quite apparent that neither the step mother nor the step sisters were very fond of Cindy . In fact , they detested her simply for the reason that she was much more beautiful than they were , much more intelligent than they were , and most importantly deep down inside they knew that she was much better at heart than they were . So , they took it upon themselves to continuously use and abuse Cindy . They would give her lists of chores to do while they went shopping and spent her father 's money . They put her down and made fun of her until the point where she slowly began believing them . If she ever complained about the way that she was being treated to her step mother , she would only tell Cindy that she was over exaggerating and that if she would complain to her father she would only give him stress and worry while he was away on duty . Cindy just continued listening to her step mother 's commands and accepted it as her fate until she could move out and go to college . Some time pOctober 6 , 2007 at 10 : 22 PM Brian SturtzEnglish 217Fairytale assignmentArgentyna This tale takes place in New York City during the late 1800 's . This was a time when many different groups of people where entering the United States searching for great opportunity . Argentyna 's father had done just that , he had made a name for himself in the oil business , and was working constantly . After the death of Argentyna 's mother , her father remarried to an attractive but cruel alcoholic of a woman with three daughters of her own all of them equally as cruel . Since Argentyna 's father was immersed in his work , it was up to her stepmother to look out for her . Argentyna 's stepmother was unbelievably cruel to her due to her drinking , jealousy , but mostly just because she was a cruel person . Argentyna was a beautiful girl , but with all the chores the stepmother had her do , you would never know . Argentyna was always dirty from cleaning the sizable house in which they inhabited . Argentyna got no break even when her chores where through , her stepmother would beat her with a switch and tell her what a terrible job she had done . One night Argentyna had gotten so upset that she kneeled by her window in the moonlight and preyed to her mother and God for some relief . As the God saw this was no way for a child to live , he sent her down a guardian angel . The next night while Argentyna lay in her bed the guardian angel came down and spoke with her . The angel told her of this great ball that was to take place the following night downtown , and all the rich , powerful and important people would be there . The angel said I will meet you back here at eight o ' clock tomorrow night . With a flash the angel was gone . When Argentyna woke the next day her stepmother was screaming for her to do her chores . The thought of the ball later that evening made the day bearable . When the clock struck eight the angel came back into meet Argentyna . The angel dressed her in the most expensive beautiful clothing and walked her out to a gallant coach with a driver and two white horses . October 19 , 2007 at 10 : 44 AM |
October 28 , 2014Family Blues , Rainy State of Mindautumn , fall , family , melancholy , summerRaingirl It 's the end of October , but the weather is still holding up . Cold in the morning and at night , but during the day the temperature holds at solid sixties . After a few days of nasty , chilly rain the sun finally came out again . It feels like fall and looks like fall . The thick layer of colorful leaves covers my whole front yard , the roses turn into buds , and the daisies start to dry out . The autumn melancholy is slowly taking over . The backyard is still green , but covered with the greenish - blackish balls from the only remaining tree left after my husband got rid of all others . After one of our biggest trees destroyed our neighbor 's roof during Sandy , he decided that the risk was too high . I suspect it is some kind of nut , because there is a hard shell inside looking like a hazelnut . This year has been especially fruitful , since the amount of " nuts " falling from the tree exceeds anything we 've seen before . The patio sits right under the tree , and we have to make sure that the umbrella is open when we have a meal outside to protect us from the potential head injuries . We call it our " air defense system " . We are used to the sound of something falling on our roof by now - does not scare us anymore . This year was the first year I 've decided to plant a garden . We 've tried before with mixed results , mostly because we had a lot of trees that prevented the sun from reaching the plants . Now we had sun , and lots of it . I recruited my husband to do a hard labor . We 've separated two triangular areas : the smaller one for the herb garden , the bigger one for the vegetables . The water hose was used as a ruler to mark the planting area . The lines on the ground were painted by the yellow spray , which was later used for putting all kind of messages on the fence , like who was there , when , and how we felt about each other . The first round of digging was done by a machine rented from Home Depot for a day . My herb garden was separated from the rest of the backyard by the heavy wooden border . The garden or rather the surface without the grass was starting to shape up . The rest of the digging was done by my son - the manpower with much better quality and price than the machine . The herb garden was a success except for basil , which died out within the three days . But mint and rosemary compensated for the loss by taking all the available space in the garden . The dill and the parsley followed along filling up every spare inch . I dried out most of the mint to use for an herbal tea by putting it in the small bouquets then hanging them on the linen rope in the garage . The refreshing smell spread over and even got into the house . The benefits of aromatherapy did not go unnoticed since the house got a lot quieter for a couple of days . The downside is that half the bowl of every salad I make is parsley . I love parsley , and hate wasting good food , so my family is forced to eat it no matter if they want it or not . They also had to eat the massive amounts of cucumbers and tomatoes , as well as zucchini and peppers . We gave away some , and pickled some , but still had leftovers . Even though the size and the shape of the vegetables were much different from the ones sold in the store , the smell and the taste compensated for slightly weird looks . Strawberries did not start to bloom until the middle of the summer , when the official strawberry season was already over . Plus most of the crop was eaten by the squirrels before it turned red . But the strawberry bushes propagated and became stronger , so I have big hopes for the next year . This weekend we started to clean up . It is much easier to plant then to clean up . To clean up is to accept that this is the end , that nothing else would grow and then deliciously melt in your mouth , that the outdoors would be limited to a few hours per day if you are not too lazy to put on layers of clothing , that there would be no more breakfasts on the patio enjoying the delicate morning sun . I put on gloves and old sneakers and organized the crew . We worked in silence . We raked the leaves , gathered " the nuts " , removed the dried plants , and filled in the black bags with the remains of the summer . October 14 , 2014Family Blues , Rainy State of Mindfamily , life , lifecycle , puzzleRaingirl I got an unexpected gift last week - a 500 - piece puzzle for $ 14 . 99 . It was not purchased for me personally ; my husband stepped by FAO Schwaz Toy store on his way from work , and , since everybody walked out with the nice bag , decided that he wanted one too . He liked the picture and the price , so he walked out with the puzzle . Nobody wanted it , so I claimed it and , despite my better judgment , jumped right in . I liked the picture too - an oil painting of a Parisian street with the cozy , cobble - stoned street lined up with the trees turning yellow , an outdoor café with the menu handwritten on the blackboard next to the entrance , buildings with flowers on the windows , the stand with movie posters and the sky to die for . I opened the plastic bag with the pieces and tried to strategize . I would do the borders first , then fill in the middle . My younger son came to help . We went through the content of the bag trying to find anything with the flat side and to figure out where it belonged on the picture . The task was tedious , required concentration and attention to details , but pieces fell together eventually , and that was very rewarding . I tried to put my son to bed , but he did not want to leave . I let him skip his before bed reading and stay longer . The puzzle felt like an unfinished business . It called my name from the farthest room in the house , attracting me like a magnet . I kept coming back to find one more piece , and staying for hours . I abandoned the housework , watching TV , reading ; I had to make all the pieces fall into place . At times it looked like the piece matched perfectly - the shape and the colors , but it won 't go in . So I tried another one and another one , until I just gave up , cursed myself for wasting all this time , and promised myself to throw the stupid puzzle in the garbage , so that I won 't see it ever again . Half an hour later I was looking for a piece again , convinced that now it would somehow work . And sure enough , one piece fell into place , and then , before I knew it , the building was complete , than the movie poster stand , and I felt that I was getting somewhere , and the life was worth living . At some point I realized that it was not about the puzzle anymore . I needed a reassurance that if I tried long and hard , looked for the clues , changed strategy , accepted the failure and started over again , eventually , I would find what I was looking for and make it work . I had to see the piece to fit into the spot , making the image emerge . I could not stop until it happened . It is a miniature version of a life - cycle of a human . You have this picture in you head of how you want your life to look like . You take the steps to get it accomplished . You go to school , work like a slave , save money , try to please everyone . You think you are doing everything right - the way described in books and shown in the movies , the way your parents taught you , and your friends advised . You see you life starting to shape up , but the last , the crucial piece is still missing . How many wrong pieces you would have to try before it finally falls into place ? Will it ever happen ? And the picture you so are desperately trying to complete , is that what you truly want ? Are you willing to settle for less ? Is the end result what really matters ? August 31 , 2014Family Bluesfamily , fun , kids , parenthood , summerRaingirl Our first trip to Lake George turned out better than expected . For the first few hours we followed our original plan to finally relax , do nothing and enjoy the view . But the breathtaking scenery and fresh mountain air inspired us to go out and try new things . Even our dog got out of her comfort zone and swam for the first time . Not through her own free will , but she did it and did not complain . It took her less than a few seconds to figure out what to do , and then she just stormed to the shore like a professional athlete . The second time she was swimming even before we put her in the water , with her eyes half closed , she moved her paws with an incredible speed . It was hysterical . We should have put it on YouTube and get a million hits . August 12 , 2014Family Blues , Smilefamily , fun , kids , summerRaingirl How would I describe the Renaissance Fair ? Enchanting , fairylike , full of weird people . The place where the inhabitants of Chekhov 's Ward No . 6 would feel at home , because they would share it with the grandmas with wings and the flower headbands , the mermaids with naked " oversize " bellies , the princesses with tattoos , the robin hoods , the musketeers , and the classy ladies with the parasols drinking beer from the plastic cups . And then this peaceful grandma with the butterfly wings would step by the knife / sword shop , admiring the weaponry , its superb sharpness and craftsmanship , and discussing how she liked to share her passion for swords with others . I entertained the idea of renting a costume and doing a face painting for a while , but was not supported by my family . My son commented on the price , followed by an expression saying : " Ye . OK . But I will pretend I don 't know you . " He did not really get into the atmosphere until later . Eating the gigantic , smoked turkey leg on the grass under the tree , than washing off his hands in the nearby fountain , was not his idea of having a good time . The portable " privy " did not get him excited either . His Royal Highness preferred the more sanitary conditions , people who look sane , and activities that are planned and attended on the scheduled times . The term " comfort zone " has a very specific meaning for him . Too bad the Medieval Torturer , the huge man covered in all black including the square headpiece covering his whole face and carrying the range of the torture tools including a scary - looking axe on his back , did not know about it . The giant confronted my baby boy . He took the " No Soup for You " T - shirt that my son was wearing too personally . Should Larry David knew the repercussion , I am sure that episode of Seinfeld would have never been created . But it was too late . My son tried to answer his verbal attacks by the sentences carefully build out of the fancy " SAT Prep " words he learned in his English class . He , obviously , tried to win the torturer over with his intellect , but it did not work . He forgot that plenty of people in the 12th century were beheaded or burned for being smart . The Medieval man kept repeating that he did not understand anything my son was saying , and reached out for his axe . His fair lady came to my son 's rescue , and begged her man for mercy . After this brutal encounter , my son loosened up , and decided to enjoy life , while he still could . The shops with moccasins , hats , pantaloons , scarves , skirts , ponchos , dresses and pottery lined up the tiny streets . The shoe maker measured the customer 's foot ; the blacksmith made metal ; the cute girls in corsets , scooping their tight waists to accentuate the cleavage , carried single roses in the baskets on their shoulders ; their long full skirts sweeping the dirt roads . It was hot , and a little muggy . So we decided to trade the bench seating around the arena for the " grass " seats in the shade under the tree . The knights on the horses were about to start the fight . As they were charging the crowd , my younger son became restless ; he wanted to seat on my lap , otherwise he could not see . Then , he wanted to take pictures , and to do many other things , none of which included just sitting calmly and enjoying the show . His dad could not help but notice that , unlike his own son , our 3 - year - old neighbor was quietly playing with his wooden axe . While I started saying that the neighbor toddler had a different last name , set of genes , etc . , he ran after his friend and bunch of other kids with his axe threatening to behead them all at no time . I let my son to sit on my lap . I started seriously thinking about purchasing a gaze hip scarf covered with the golden coins , generally used for the belly dancing ; especially after my husband promised to forgive me things if I did . I tried to clarify if he would forgive me everything and anything . He said : " Depending how good you will dance . " So , as soon as I do something that I should be forgiven for , I would invest the money into the most luxurious hip scarf and the belly dancing lessons . Watching people , especially such a diverse crowd , is a lot of fun . It proves that there is someone out there crazier than you are , which is always encouraging . On a second thought , I should 've rented a costume . Or is this a midlife epiphany ( as my son would say ) ? FacebookTwitterGooglePinterestTumblrPrint Leave a comment A Day in New York City May 29 , 2014Family Bluesconcert , family , kids , music , parenting , rainRaingirl My dog did not eat my son 's homework ; instead she ate his tie for the concert . Being a natural girl , she preferred the silky , designer , light blue accessory to a white , wrinkled piece of paper with the scribbles that you would need a magnifying glass and strong decoding skills to read . Who can blame her ? She was home by herself with the bright toy positioned on the dinning chair right in front of her face . It looked too delicious to be ignored . She attacked it with the vengeance , so that by the time my husband came home only the half of it was left . A few weeks before the concert my son 's conscience usually starts telling him that maybe it 's the time to start practicing . He knows that it is the right , but very hard thing to do . He had a very busy schedule , especially during the week , but pledged to spend a half hour Friday to Sunday working on these " fast notes " he was having trouble with . He is also being eaten by guilt that we spent money on buying the viola based on his intention of practicing on the regular basis ; but 8 months into the school year it is still gathering dust under the table in his room . He practiced only once in this period of time , but it was enough to establish that he did not like how this viola sounded ; the quality of the instrument was poor ; he could not sustain his plans for practicing and , therefore , without further a due , the viola should be returned , so that at least part of the money could be recouped . I debated that if he started practicing , the money would become well spent ; plus considering that he wanted to continue the orchestra next year it made no sense to return it … Finally , I agreed to ask about a trade - off while visiting Sam - Ash to replace the A string he broke during his only practice . After staying in line for longer that his the one and the only practice lasted , and paying $ 7 . 50 for the new string ( the work was covered by a warranty we purchased anticipating a lot of broken strings due to heavy use of an instrument ) we were promised half the price if returned at the end of school year . My son is thinking about it . Now that we were clear on the viola situation and the practicing schedule , we could move on to the wardrobe . The music teacher wanted to stay with the black pants and shoes , but to go " springy " on the top . She never did it before , and in her own words " was using this year 's orchestra as the guinea pigs " to test how " the rainbow " musicians would look on stage . The visit to the mall became unavoidable . Looking for the shirt I asked neatly - dressed , ready - to - help salesmen to measure my son 's neck . Panicking , realizing that he had nowhere to run , he gave me a killer look , virtually asking me if I was nuts . Never shopping for the formal clothes before , he did not know that the shirt sizes go by the neck size and the sleeves length , that to look sharp the clothes should be fitted , and kept on the hanger in the closet , that the shoes should be polished , and the belt should match the shoes . It also would not hurt to shave and to comb the hair . Can I also throw in ironing and tying a tie , or am I asking for too much ? There are certain situations , in which looking like a shmuck is not appropriate , and the concert is one of them . Settling on the lavender shirt , picking the " right " tie was proven to be particularly difficult . It was supposed to be plain , in a nice , bright color , and to match the shirt . Plain meaning plain . Even if there is some tiny line hardly detectable by a powerful microscope it is not plain . All the final choices came with the price that even after a discount was still too high . I don 't know why the ties cost more than a shirt or a pair of pants ; what makes them so valuable . And they are way too expensive if consumed as a gourmet dog food . While I was dropping my son off at school an hour before the concert the school called to inform us that there was a power outage and the concert might be canceled . They would call a half hour before the concert to let us know . Nobody called . We went to the concert . It was cancelled . Rescheduled to the next day . That was how the concert tie ended up on the dining chair . What was the point to put it in the closet to be taken out again the next day ? The concert was a success in my opinion , sucked in my son 's . I especially liked " The Sweet Child O ' Mine " ( Guns N ' Roses ) performed by combined 9th and 12th grade orchestras at the end . He said that some people in the audience did not even realize what song was being played . He did not play some of the fast notes altogether , trying to minimize the damage to the overall performance done by his horrible playing . However , the pieces they did were way more difficult than last year 's , therefore , comparing to last year he improved drastically . Mazel Tov . May 15 , 2014Family Bluesfamily , kids , parenthood , sleepRaingirl My son is finally asleep . Turned to the wall with his nose dipped in the pillow , he is half covered . I feel a sudden urge to wrap his naked back and green boxers in the blanket , to smell his hair , to kiss his soft cheek , but I am afraid of waking him up . The road to sleep is long and thorny . It has always been like that . In any age . When my older son was little , he wanted me to stay in the room until he fell asleep . When his eyes were at long last closed for a while and he started to snore , I knew it was time to make a move . Trying not to breath , I would carefully close my book , and slowly get up from the chair . I prayed that the carpet would not screech when I step on it . It took some planning to tiptoe out of the room without making a single noise , not touching anything , not making a chair squeak . But the minute I finally got to the door , silently high - fiving myself in my mind , I would hear : " Where are you going ? I am not sleeping yet . " Then there were two options - to leave the room and let him scream for another hour or more , or to come back to the original position and attempt another escape in 5 - 10 minutes . Quite a few times I fell asleep and woke up in the middle of the night , just to get undressed and go back to bed . I made sure all of the essential tasks were done before his bedtime in case I fall asleep or get too relaxed to move on . I knew it was wrong and counterproductive . You suppose to tack your child in , say good night and leave the room to come back in the morning . I knew I was sending my kid the wrong message , spoiling him and causing potential long - term psychological problems . He is supposed to learn to self - sooth and not be dependent on his parent . But I also liked to relax at the end of the day , didn 't like to hear him screaming for an hour , and simply wanted to be near him for a bit longer . Knowing that I should do housework and / or spent time with my husband after my child goes to bed rather than " wasting " my time sitting idly in the kid 's room raising a cry - baby , I wanted to change this dynamic . I tried different approaches as advised by various experts in the field : crying out , leaving the room for a few minutes with a promise to come back , bribing , motivational speeches , bed - time stories . None of it worked as promised . The crying would not stop till after midnight , nor would it become shorter in the upcoming days ; fairy tales would be read until I lose my voice , bribes would never be worth the effort . Overall , the falling asleep would last even longer than before , except now I was much more tired and aggravated , getting an alarming thoughts of hitting my head against the wall with my bright - red blood splashing all over , blaming God for failing me at the time of need , killing a random stranger for no apparent reason , or hitting my husband , because he was the only one nearby . My toddler clearly had much more perseverance and determination than I did . Somehow I gave birth to a super human , who was never tired or sleepy . The problem went away when we stopped trying . Luckily , in spite of my selfish parenting , he can sleep on his own for the past 11 years , and is a self - sufficient and a self - reliant person . Last summer my 8 - year - old saw something on the U - tube and was scared to sleep by himself in his room . This time I was determined not to give in . But I did . He was terrified , even though there was nothing scary in the clip that he watched . He was hysterical , shaking in fear , begging not to leave him alone . My heart was breaking ; what kind of mother I was to let my child suffer like that , to abandon him when he needed me so desperately . I set in his room reading an iPad until he fell asleep , wondering if I was falling into the same trap all over again . Again I referred to an experts ' advice . They suggested to move out of the room slowly , and gradually to move out of his sight . That way the child would feel secure , while learning to sleep on his own . The next day we agreed that I would sit in the hallway , but he would still see me . Over the next few months I kept moving further and further away from his room . I sat on the carpeted floor with a pillow behind my back to make me more comfortable , reading my book , sometimes sipping my tea or snacking on the fruit , wondering if I went completely insane . Other normal parents would not even think of doing something like that . They are getting stressed and over - worked , and then complain about how hard their lives are and write books about it . So , they tack their " good sleepers " in , say good night and ran to do all of the gazillion things that need to be done after the children are in bed . And here I am - a mother with a full - time job , a house , two kids , no help from anybody , sitting in the hallway waiting for the fourth grader to fall asleep . I am either lazy or insane , or both at the same time . When at last I came out of his sight , he kept asking me every minute or two if I was still in " my spot " . I would say : " Yes . Stop asking me ! " , only to be asked again the moments later . I finally moved to the arm - chair in the living room . It was comfy and soft , and I could watch TV from it . Then there was a relapse , and we went back to square one . Once , after I came back from work , I found him on the iPad in his bed . Carefully removing the earphones , I laid next to him . We snuggled and started to joke around about everything . He asked me to tell him the story about how I was little . I told him about the movie I watched about " the invisible man " when I was his age , and how scared I was to go to sleep . How my parents left me to babysit my sister and I was paralyzed with fear waiting for him to break into my apartment , even though technically I could not see him , because he was invisible . My parents were not around , and I had to find the way to calm myself down . My older son screamed and demanded dinner , but we were too deep into the conversation . Finally he gave up and joined in , telling us about his scares and how he fought them . My fourth - grader confessed that he was afraid of a criminal getting into his room in the middle of the night and attacking him . We discussed the probability of this happening . His room was on the second floor , so the criminal would need to get through the door ( which beeps due to the alarm ) , go up the stairs , and pass a few rooms without being noticed . This is impossible . But maybe he could use the ladder and come through the window . My son tried to open the windows , but could not because they were locked . Plus there was a light in the backyard , which had a motion sensor . So as soon as somebody walks in the backyard , the light turns on . It works of the solar panel , making it impossible to be turned off by a person . Therefore , we established without a reasonable doubt that , number one nobody could get to the backyard unnoticed , number two getting to his room that way was nearly impossible . But he was still not convinced . Even though one part of his brain was proving that his fears were baseless , the other part told him otherwise . The other part was making his heart race , and his body shake in panic . The other part was winning the fight . I got back to spending my evenings on the floor in the hallway , scratching my head what to do next . He was not allowed to watch anything on the internet , or play any even remotely violent video games ; he had been reading before bed ; we practiced breathing techniques and counting to relax and fall asleep faster . Should I take him to the therapist ? I consider it a last resort , because , in my opinion , in dealing with the children " the wrong " therapist could do more harm than good . What works for one child may be detrimental for the other . But my son being dependent on my presence to fall asleep was not a solution either . As usual the solution came out of the blue . One day my son declared that he would feel safer if Maya ( our dog ) slept in his room . She is very protective of her family , and if the stranger approaches our house starts barking uncontrollably . She would make him feel secure and keep him company . She could scare any criminal and make the intruder drop his hypothetical weapon and run for his life . We moved Maya 's bed to my son 's room . The going - to - bed routine has been expanded to him announcing " Maya sleep " , after which she proudly marches behind him to his room with her tail and ears up . She proceeds to her bed , lies down and watches him while he reads . If she tries to get up or barks , " the commander - in - chief " stops it instantly . He still wants someone to sit in the chair in the living room , aka " the designated spot " once he announces that he is done with the reading and ready to go to sleep . He would tell everyone good night and " are you in the spot " about 25 times . But the overwhelming fear is gone , and he falls asleep in no time . I pick in the room and see my two babies peacefully snoring . Life is so simple when they are asleep . |
The ambulance arrived and I was taken to San Francisco County Hospital to be treated for the gunshot . That was a circus . The media was all over me . Newspapers , television , this was the event of the day in San Francisco . I made the front page of the Chronicle but they had my name wrong . My current identity was Kevin Fortier . After treating my leg , I was taken to City Prison and booked . I 'm sticking with Kevin Fortier and hoping I can make bail before my prints come back . As I 'm standing in front of the booking desk , a parole agent who happened to be there made me . " No . You 're Kenneth Windes " , he said excitedly . He looked like he 'd just had an orgasm . " Place a parole hold on him " , he instructed the desk Sargent as he made a beeline for the phone to call the parole office . So much for bail . Moon replied , " The guys had just come by to make a pickup and I told them you would be back soon so they were hanging around . There was a knock on the door and I asked who it was . Somebody said ' Federal agents ' and I thought it was somebody kidding . I picked up the . 32 and opened the door . There were two of them standing there with big guns pointed at me . So I dropped my gun and here we are . Then they tore the place apart looking for counterfeit money . They found the dope but no money . So what 's going on ? " I told them about the morning 's events and we started trying to figure out where the money had come from . I thought it had been passed on to one of the runners , but they all said no to that . Finally Moon told me that he 'd lied about only giving drugs to runners . He 'd also sold to Dennis a friend of his , because he and Dennis had been tight in Quentin . So we now knew where the counterfeit money had come from . The next day , we were all going into withdrawal from heroin . The whole cell was sick . I had a heavier habit than any of them but I wasn 't going to act like a sick junky in front of my employees so I was just toughing it out while they were acting like something out of a bad movie . I 'd seen " The Man With The Golden Arm " when I was a kid . Frank Sinatra player a junky card dealer and there were scenes of him kicking cold - turkey that were very dramatic . I 'd kick a couple of small habits before and had gone through all the histronics that I 'd seen Sinatra play . I thought that was what you were supposed to do but I wasn 't going to do it this time . At least , not yet . I wasn 't that sick yet . That afternoon , the short parole officer from the " special parole " department showed up in front of the cell . He had the bullets from my . 25 automatic . " Dum - dums " , he said . " You were serious " . I didn 't say anything . " You look like you 're in withdrawal " , he continued . " Have you been using ? " I still didn 't say anything . " I 'm taking you downstairs for testing , " he said , and signaled a guard to let me out of the cell . They escorted me to the drug testing clinic in the basement of the jail and the doctor gave me a shot of Naline and measured my eyes . If you had opiates in your system , Naline would counter them and put you into mild withdrawal and your eyes would get big . They waited 15 minutes then measured my eyes again . They were very big . The parole officer commented that I had a heavy habit and told the doctor to give me a shot of morphine . That got me well for a few hours . They took me back upstairs . I still hadn 't said anything . Over the next few days I kicked the habit cold - turkey , standing up . I learned something . Kicking heroin is like having a bad case of the flu . A really bad case but still just the flu . Your nose runs and your body aches but the histronics aren 't necessary . It ain 't that bad . The feds finally bought that none of us knew anything about the money and they cut the runners loose . Jimmy was charged with Possession of Heroin . I was charged with Kidnapping a Federal Agent and Assault with a Deadly Weapon on a Federal Agent . We both also had parole violations . I also worked out a deal with the California authorities . I had served a total of about four years on convictions for Burglary and Forgery . They carried an indeterminate sentence of 1 to 15 years . The court gave you the indeterminate sentence and the California Adult Authority , which was the prison and parole board , decided how much time you would serve on that sentence . Mine had originally been set at three years , 18 months in and 18 months on parole . But I had immediately violated parole and it had been reset to five years , 30 months in and 30 months on parole . Now it was back to fifteen years and I still had 11 to serve . " Why ? " , he asked . So I explained the arrangement I 'd made with California . He asked my attorney if he was OK with this and then changed the sentence to ten years . On ten years , I was eligible for parole in three and , if I didn 't get a parole , with good time I could walk out in six . I was good at getting them to parole me though . I had a lot of experience . I figured I 'd do three or four years and that I was not in bad shape , all things considered . There was a news reporter in the courtroom and the morning paper carried the conversation between the judge and me on the second page . They got my name right this time . The Adult Authority was embarrassed about having the deal advertised in the newspaper . My attorney informed me they had reneged . I still owed California eleven years and they would be waiting for me when I completed the federal sentence . Now I was in bad shape . In the morning a few days later , I was told get my stuff together and taken to a holding cell . There were two other convicts in the cell . They told me U . S . Marshalls were picking us up for transfer to McNeil Island Penitentiary . McNeil Island was an island in Puget Sound in the state of Washington . The convicts were Joe Crispo , who I didn 't know , and Juan , a mexican who been in San Quentin with me . Juan and his partner , Johnny Van , had gotten 20 years for robbing a bank after they got out of Quentin . Johnny was already at McNeil Island . Joe Crispo introduced himself and told me his story . He 'd been serving 20 years in Leavenworth Penitentiary for Bank Robbery when they found another bank he 'd robbed in Sacramento , California . He 'd been transferred to the Sacramento jail to stand trial . When he went to court , he was found ' not guilty ' of that robbery . When they took him back to the jail after the trial , the Deputy read the court document down to where it said ' not guilty ' and saw the order releasing Joe on that charge . So the Deputy released him . Joe found himself standing outside the jail , free . He got out of town before they realized their mistake . He went to L . A . and hooked up with a friend named Tommy and they started on a spree of bank and supermarket robberies that lasted about a year . Tommy had gotten busted on a supermarket and was in San Quentin doing 5 to life . They 'd gotten Joe a couple of months later coming out of a bank . He now had eighty years to serve and was on his way back to Leavenworth via McNeil Island . As we talked , it turned out that Joe 's partner , Tommy , was an old friend of mine who 'd grown up with me in the reform schools . I hadn 't seen him in a few years but we had been tight as kids . So Joe and I had some rapport . The plumber looked like a wimp so I wasn 't concerned about him . The Marshall , on the other hand , looked like a tackle off a football team . He wouldn 't be so easy . We were riding comfortably in the back seat and the Marshall was open and friendly . Joe and I kept a running conversation going with him to build a little rapport and put him at ease about us . We were both trying to work our hands out of the handcuffs but , while they weren 't uncomfortably tight , we couldn 't get loose . The way prisoners were transported around the country was the way we were being transported . You were chained up and put in the back seat of a car . They drove as far toward the destination as they could in one day , then booked you into a local jail overnight . You 'd get a meal that night , a bed to sleep on , then breakfast in the morning . They then picked you up , put you back in the car , and you drove on . This continued for as many days as it took to get you where you were going . Our trip was scheduled to take two days . That night we were booked into the jail at Roseburg , Oregon , a small town with a small jail . As we were being booked in , I stole a ballpoint pen from the booking desk . They fed us a great hot meal in a warm comfortable cell . Small town jails are usually pretty homey . After things had settled down that evening , Joe and I went to work . We took the metal filler from the ballpoint pen and , using a pair of fingernail clippers as a tool , we fashioned the filler into a key for the handcuffs . Handcuff keys were simple but you had to have something with a hole in it to fit over a little metal pip in the middle of the keyhole . The pen filler was perfect . We didn 't have any handcuffs to try it on so we just did the best we could and came up with a key that was about an inch and a half long . After breakfast the next morning , Joe put the key under his tongue because we had to go through a strip search . Then we were back in the car , travelling north to Washington . Joe hassled with the key for a couple of hours , reworking it in the back seat with the fingernail clippers . He finally got it to work and got his cuffs open . I had been carrying on a running conversation with the Marshall and the plumber to keep them distracted from Joe . He 'd chime in once in awhile . Juan was aware of what was happening but he was sitting quietly on my left . I was in the middle which put Joe on the right , behind the plumber . He passed me the key and I started working with it . It took about three hours for me to get the cuffs open but I finally did it . We kept the cuffs loosely about our wrists so it looked like we were still restrained . Then we waited for an opening . After a while the Marshall said , " We 're about five miles from the prison . Would you guys like a hamburger and a cup of coffee before you go in ? " " Sure " , we said . He pulled into a roadside hamburger stand . Joe and I just ordered coffee . I was thinking we have to make a play soon . Five miles isn 't very far . The plumber got the food and coffee and came back and handed the coffee to us over the back of the seat . Juan got a hamburger with his . We had to accept the coffee carefully so the cuffs didn 't fall off . The Marshall had stayed in the car , behind the wheel . He started eating his hamburger . I thought this was the best it was going to get so I said something to the Marshall . He turned around to look at me and I threw the hot coffee in his face , grabbed him around the neck and reached across him take his gun . The plumber panicked and started trying to get his door open . Joe was also trying to get the back door open . Juan was squeezed down in his seat , trying to stay out of the way . The Marshall reached up and grabbed my arm , freeing himself , and rolled out of the car . His door had been ajar . He came up off the ground , pulled his gun , reached in and put it against my head and cocked it . " You 're dead , punk " , he said . And I sat there waiting to be dead . I felt very calm about it . My sentences totalled twenty - one years . Dead was better . I don 't know what went through his mind but he didn 't pull the trigger . He had the plumber get a bunch of chains from the trunk of the car . Joe had managed to get his cuffs refastened around his wrists and he 's sitting there looking as innocent as possible . The Marshall didn 't buy it . He chained both us with leg irons and several sets of handcuffs . He put leg irons on Juan too . We drove the rest of the five miles with him cussin ' and threatening me . He was pretty mad . We got to the ferry landing and had to walk a hundred yards from the car to the ferry to make the trip to the island . Leg irons hurt when you 're walking . And he was making us walk fast , which was really painful . When we got to the Island , all three of us were put in the hole . Juan was released a couple of days later because they determined he had nothing to do with the escape . I told them Joe had nothing to do with it either but the Marshall had seen Joe free of the cuffs . We were in isolation for about 60 days , with a couple of trips over to the city of Tacoma where we were tried in federal court for Attempted Escape . I had an additional charge of Assault on a Federal Agent . I got on the stand and swore Joe had nothing to do with it but they convicted us both anyway . I got an additional five years . Total : 26 years . After the sentencing we were released into general population . I moved into an eight man cell with some guys from California . Joe and I were on Maximum Custody status which meant that we couldn 't be out of our cells at night and , during the day , we had to report to the yard Sargeant every hour . McNeil Island didn 't look that tough . It was foggy a lot . There was only one fence , with guntowers spaced around it . But in the fog , they were blind . I couldn 't see that getting out of the prison would be that hard . The problem was that it was two miles to shore . But I could swim well . I started jogging in the yard everyday to build up my stamina . It was July , middle of the summer . The cons who 'd been there awhile told me that the fog was very heavy in the fall and winter so I figured I had a few months to get into shape . Joe was very impressed with the way I 'd tried to take the fall for the escape by myself . I 'd never been in a federal pen so was relatively unknown . Joe was well regarded so I was getting good words said about me . That 's always helpful . There were a few people I knew from the California prisons and I was making contacts and settling into the routine of prison life while getting ready to go for a swim in the winter . I had been out of isolation about two weeks when I learned I was being scheduled for a transfer to the U . S . Penitentiary at Marion , Illinois . Some of the guys began telling me about Marion . It didn 't sound like any place I wanted to be . I talked to a couple of guys who had been there and they told me to forget about escaping from Marion . If they got me there I was going to stay there . I put in a request to see the Warden . " Sir , I 'd like to be allowed to do my time here at McNeil . If you send me to Illinois , I 'll never be able to see my family . I 've lived in California all my life and at least here I know a few people . " " I can 't escape from here . I don 't even know to swim , " I replied . " And " , I continued , " You 've got some good vocational programs here that I 'd like to take advantage of . I hear Marion isn 't big on vocational programs . " " You 're right " , he said with a laugh , " Marion isn 't big on vocational programs . You 'll have to find some other way to occupy your time . " End of interview . I was going to Marion . Bobby had to go to jail . His court date had come up . His brother had been paroled while I was in Soledad and he and Bobby had been pulling burglaries around the city . One of their favorite things was to work the obituary columns in the newspaper . They 'd look up when someone was getting buried , then rip off the dead person 's house while the funeral was going on , figuring everyone would be at the funeral . One of the places they hit was a retired cop who had died . When they ripped off his house , they brought a lot of heat on themselves . Every cop in the city was outraged and put a lot of attention on busting the operation . The police figured out the pattern and set a trap . Bobby and his brother walked right into it . The brother , John , was on parole from a five to life for Armed Robbery . Since he already had a life top , they didn 't prosecute him but just revoked his parole and sent him to Folsom State Prison , the most maximum joint California had at that time . Bobby was charged with second degree burglary . He had no prior record so would normally have gotten probation as a first offender . But , as I said , he 'd ripped off the wrong house and the cops wanted him to do time . With Bobby down for a year , I was on my own . It was January 1967 and I had been out about five months . My record for being out of prison was ten months but I got arrested three or four times during that period and spent a few days in jail each time . So five months out of a cell was a long time for me . The money was now rolling in regularly from the drug business . I was making the flights to LA once a week and everything was smooth . I 'd stopped the credit scam after Christmas was over and the runners were picking up dope and dropping off money everyday . Lippy had finished the dry out and was back in business . Maria had wanted me to begin scoring through Lippy but I told her I didn 't want to pay the mark up . Since I was doing good volume , she agreed to leave things the way they were . I 'd connected with a ring of " boosters " or professional shoplifters . One of them was a Mexican woman about 28 years old who had a wooden leg and was about 7 months pregnant . She and her husband scored smack and crank from me regularly . She 'd gotten into the habit of dropping by my apartment each day and taking an order from me . I 'd order clothes or whatever items I wanted and she would spend the day boosting them from stores all over the city . She 'd deliver the stuff to me the next day in return for dope . If she had an unsuccessful day , she 'd trade me a blow job for the dope . I 'd sell the merchandise she got for me to a fence . I 'd gotten a new fence that had a TV store a couple of blocks from me so it was convenient . He paid OK and took almost everything I brought him . Bobby had left me a set of keys to office buildings in the city . I also had a set of keys for the San Francisco parking meters that I rented out . The convicts made the keys at the county jail in San Bruno . Almost everybody coming out of San Bruno had a couple of meter keys . I had keys for every section of San Francisco . The county didn 't give " gate money " when they released you so the keys were the equivalent of " gate money " . You just walked down the street emptying parking meters . For some people this was their whole hustle . They would stake out a block or two and rent a hotel room where they could observe it . They would wait for the meters to get full and hit them just before the city meter man was due to empty them . They guarded them jealously . If you tried to work the meters , they be down on you quick , willing to kill . So everything was working kind of automatically . The systems were in place and working and I had a lot of time on my hands . I had begun reading books on investing and motivation . One of them said that if you want to be rich , you have to develop a rich attitude . It suggested going to a luxury hotel and sitting in the lobby , smoking a good cigar and reading the Wall St . Journal . So I had started a routine of spending a hour a day in one of San Francisco 's finest hotels , sitting in the lobby , smoking an expensive cigar and reading the Wall St . Journal . Now that the money was rolling in , I wanted to learn the lifestyle . I was also spending a couple of hours a day in a broker 's office in the financial district watching the tape . I didn 't understand anything about the stock market but I was reading books and getting the idea that the market was where you got really rich . So I 'm hanging out there , trying to understand it . I still had the office in the financial district I had rented a few months before and was trying to find a use for it . I was keeping it so that , if I wound up back in prison , I could tell the parole board that I had operated a legitimate business with an office , etc . I wasn 't planning on going back to prison but , given my life experience up to this point , even with my gun and my commitment to die first , I couldn 't entirely dismiss the possibility of prison . It was imbedded in my psyche . I was thinking about getting off of drugs . My addiction had gotten outrageous . It didn 't cost me anything but I was beginning to visualize a new life and drugs didn 't fit in the picture . For the first time in my life , I could actually conceive of converting everything to legitimacy . I 'd have to continue with a different name but I could see how I could make everything legal and not have to risk at the level I had been risking . Bobby 's girlfriend in Oakland was named Linda . After Bobby went down , I had started taking her to dinner or a show occasionally , just to keep her entertained until Bobby got out . She was beautiful and we wound up in bed together . So now I was having an affair with her while Bobby was in jail . I justified it in my mind by saying that I was just taking care of her until Bobby got back . It 's amazing what lies we can tell ourselves and get away with it . I called Linda and invited her to go to Las Vegas with me . She agreed and we set up a trip to Vegas . I 'd never been to Las Vegas before . I 'd only been out of California once and that was when I was four years old . Linda and I flew over to Vegas on a Friday because she had the weekend off . Linda was a California blonde , about 5 ' 6 and , as I mentioned , beautiful . She was 24 , divorced and had a 4 year old son . She worked as a medical secretary and was completely straight . No drugs . No crime . I didn 't know why she was hanging out with losers like Bobby and me . The only thing in our future was jail or death . A lot of people are fascinated by criminals though . We spent two days gambling , saw a show and ate in the gourmet room . I lost a few hundred dollars playing Blackjack which I didn 't know how to play , but I had a good time . We stayed at El Rancho Vegas which was one of the earliest hotel casinos built on the Las Vegas Strip , following closely on the heels of Bugsy Seigal 's Flamingo . On Monday morning , we caught a 6am TWA flight back to San Francisco and then Linda took the bus back to her home . The sun was out and the temperature was nice for February . I had on a light sport coat and was comfortable . It was only 9 : 30 and the bank didn 't open until 10am so I did some shopping , buying a pair of slacks at a men 's store and picking up a couple of items at a drugstore . That took up the half hour and I went into the bank and got in line for a teller to make the deposit . When I got to the teller I handed over the deposit slip and the money . The teller began counting the money and then picked it up , along with the deposit slip , excused herself and walked away . I was standing there zoned on drugs , not realizing that something was wrong . I was still standing there a few minutes later when two secret service agents show up beside me . One of them said that some of the money I was depositing was counterfeit and they 'd like to talk to me . As he said this , he was lightly running his hands over my body to check for a gun . My gun was in my left pants pockets and I indignantly twisted away so his hand didn 't touch it . Then we went into the manager 's office . " Where did you get this money " one of the agents asked . He was about 6 ' 2 and had a sandy crew cut . The other one was shorter and darker . " I just got back from Vegas . I took some money with me and won a little so I was putting it back in my account . Here , here 's my airline ticket . " I took it from the inside of my coat and handed it to him . He looked at the ticket , then said , " I doubt that you got these bills in Vegas . They handle a lot of money there and these wouldn 't have gotten past them . Look at it . " He held up a twenty dollar bill . He was right . It wouldn 't have got passed me if I hadn 't been stoned when I counted the money . The ink was too dark and the printing was crooked . Someone had done a very poor job . It had been just good enough to get me busted . I was still explaining that I didn 't know where they came from and I wasn 't a counterfeiter . I made up a story on the spot about a business I owned and said that maybe the bills came from there . They noticed my packages and asked if I 'd paid for the purchases with $ 20 bills . I said I had . They seemed to be doubtful about my guilt . I was playing victimized citizen but I didn 't think it was going to play long and I was trying to figure a way out of this when Crewcut told his partner to go check the cash drawer at the men 's shop while he took me down to federal building for questioning . There were no handcuffs . I wasn 't placed under arrest . I was just requested to drive down to the federal building with him to answer a few questions . We went out and got in the car . There was no way I could answer any questions . I had a gun in my pocket , warrants out for my arrest , and I got the counterfeit money in a drug transaction . " Do you get a lot of cash in your business ? " Crewcut asked , referring to the fictional business I had made up in the bank . " Yeah it 's a retail store and we take in $ 200 to $ 300 a day . I don 't know how my clerk could have taken such poor quality bills though . That stuff 's really bad " . Crewcut looked down , saw the gun pointed at him and said , " Oh shit " . I held the gun in my lap , pointed at him , and put my left arm across my leg to cover it so he couldn 't reach over and knock it away . " Take it easy . I don 't want to hurt you " . " Passing counterfeit doesn 't carry a lot of time " , he said , " this is making it a lot worse . " " I really don 't know anything about the money but I got it in a drug transaction and I 'm on parole from San Quentin " . He got the " OH shit " look on his face again . I could see he had just realized how serious I was . We were driving up Powell Street . " Turn right on California , " I told him . He turned right . Traffic was heavy . It took us about five minutes to get to the bottom of the hill . I continued to reassure him that I wasn 't going to hurt him and that all I wanted was to walk away . I also told him that the bullets in the gun were dum - dums so he wouldn 't disrespect the small caliber of the gun . Some people are willing to go up against a . 22 or . 25 and take a bullet , knowing that it probably won 't be fatal . I didn 't know if he was hero material or not but I let him know that the odds were different than they looked . We had stopped at a red light at Kearny and California . My office was at 225 Keary , about a block away . The streets were packed with people . I decided to leave him at the light , blend into the crowd and get to my office . I could plan the next step from there . I figured if he had a gun , he wouldn 't shoot into the crowd . Opening the door , I said , " I 'm leaving now . Stay in the car " . I got out and ran into the crowd on the sidewalk . He got out of the car , pulled a gun and shot me . So much for not shooting into a crowd . The bullet hit my leg and knocked me down . My gun went spinning in the street , landing about 6 feet away . The next thing I knew , his foot was on my back and his gun was at my head . I couldn 't move if I wanted to . He cuffed my hands behind my back and radioed for backup and an ambulance . The Secret Service backup arrived before the ambulance . They searched me while I was lying in the street . My current identification had the address of my apartment on it , so they were going to find the dope . I knew the parole board had just passed a new ruling that any parolee caught with a gun wouldn 't be eligible for parole for a minimum of five years . They wouldn 't even talk to you for five years . The two ounces of heroin in my apartment was good for another five . So I was laying there in the street with a bullet in my leg facing at least ten years inside . In 1993 , Ken Windes sat in a small , barely furnished , one bedroom apartment in Sussex Street and wrote his life story into a book for me , while he waited for something he was far more certain of than I . As you will read , his was an unusual life . It had all the elements of drama , pain and later love . But what makes it worth telling is how he turned his life around . I will be posting a chapter or section of Walking Through The Walls every two weeks ( or so ) . If I am on a roll , it might be sooner . Please add yourself as a subscriber so that you receive the next chapters . |
I love this nippy weather . As promised , Linda took us out for a walk after church even though it was 10 p . m . It was super dark though , she should have bought the flashlight . Usually , enough people have their porch lights on that we can see . Tonight , everyone seemed to turn theirs off at exactly 10 : 01 . There were a couple of scary moments when Chimmie started barking at something we could not see . Of course it could have been a leaf blowing on the grass knowing Chim 's quirkiness . I wonder how he will do at Paul 's for 6 nights ? He loves going over there , so it shouldn 't be too hard for him . I 'm beyond excited I get to go over Jerry 's . I slept at his house once for a night when Linda had a sleepover with Carol , but this is the first time I 'll be there for such a long time . Tomorrow Noah and Sarah come over then at night , Chim and I start our big adventure ! Posted by 6 . Figure out how to copy DVD 's of above : CHECK ( this has been the biggest headache for her ! ) 7 . Chores / laundry / email : check Paul came to walk us while Linda was teaching and he tired us both out . Chim has been sleeping all afternoon . After church , she 'll take us on a short walk before bed . This is actually a hand - written to - do - list by Johnny Cash . It was up for auction and estimated to fetch between $ 300 - 500 . I love number 3 . Posted by What an amazing morning . The temperature is just perfect . We are going to wait for our walk until 1 : 00 though . Linda actually has the afternoon off to get ready and pack for her trip . She does not have to teach her two afternoon classes ! After the trail hike , she has to pack her own suitcase and both of ours . She said there is a weight limit to all our bags . She might have to pare down what she planned to pack to stay under 50 pounds . I can bring my bed , a few toys ( I 'm sure Jerry will take me shopping at Pet Smart and buy me a whole passel of toys ! ) , my leash , bowl and food . Chimmie , the same thing . . but he needs about 100 toys because he 'll destroy them all in the time Linda is gone . Tomorrow is Noah day ! Sarah is coming over too . We are going to take Noah out on his first trail walk . They will have to take him out of the stroller and carry him across the streams . Linda is going to wear the carry - me pouch for when I 'm too tired to walk . That way she 'll have her hands free if she needs to carry the stroller while Sarah carries Noah . I hope the crows are not out on the trail tomorrow , I 'll kill them dead if they come after Noah . Posted by We didn 't get any visitors tonight for our walk , so Chim was locked up in the bathroom for 4 hours straight while Linda taught her classes . I 'm glad we had a trail walk this morning because she is too cold to walk us tonight . Yes , too cold ! She drove home wet from the pool and for some strange reason , she is shivering even though she is in her big white fluffy robe . As soon as she is done eating , she is going to get in a hot bath and see if she can warm up . Her fingers and toes feel frozen . How can she be so cold in August ? She said it might be because she was soaking with sweat and her body temp was raised after teaching her Combat class , then she jumped right into the very cold pool for 60 minutes . Posted by It looks like one of Chim 's floppy toys We were all set to sit outside on our new patio furniture this morning and enjoy the beautiful sunshine while Linda drank her coffee and had some quite time . We 're calling it patio furniture , but we know it 's nothing more than a few folding chairs that only support 225 pounds each . Linda is so happy with the price she paid for them , that it feels like she is sitting in this set pictured . Anyway , as soon as Linda got outside she was hit with a wave of skunk odor . Ewwww . He probably came up from the trail with all the other wildlife that has been disturbed by our recent biblical weather . I hope the smell goes away soon . She better not go outside and find this in her grass . The chipmunks were enough of a worry . If there are baby skunks , I 'm not sure what we 'll do ! Posted by I don 't know if it is the Earthquake or Hurricane , but we have seen so much wildlife on our last couple of trail walks . Yesterday we saw a big hawk , a fluffy bunny , and water snake on the trail . Coming home from our walk this evening , we saw the Mama Chipmunk in our front yard ! No sign of the babies . Then Linda almost stepped on a fat toad that hopped right in front of us . If it wasn 't almost dark , we would have gone on the trail tonight , but we had to stay on the sidewalk . Linda said she would love to do a night walk on the trail , but does not want to go alone . Maybe after vacation she can get a brave group of friends together to do a night walk with flashlights . She said I can come , but she will carry me in the front pack . Chim will have to stay home just in case a fox or other wild animal decides to attack us . Once Linda hiked a trail called Little Devil Stairs . It was beautiful hike , straight up a waterfall . At the top there was a bear off in the bushes , but it did not try to eat them . One of the guys had a hand gun in his pack just for this very reason . After the hike they found out its illegal to take a gun on the trail , even if you have a carry permit . It 's a good think he did not have to shoot the bear . Posted by I 'm not sure what is wrong with Chimmie . He is very laid back and chill today . We took a peppy walk this morning , and then he was outside while Linda went to teach her classes . Now that she is home and Chim is back inside , he is just lolling all over the house . Sleeping in the sun by the patio door , conked - out in his bed , snoozing at her feet in the den , laying in a patch of sun in her bedroom . He keeps changing spots , but get this . . . he 's actually walking from place to place and not running ! He hasn 't pushed me down the stairs or tried to chew on my hind leg at all today . He has not dropped one toy on the keyboard or pushed a squishy ball into Linda 's face . Could it be he is finally growing up and settling down ? If this is the new and improved Chimmie , like a mini - Snickers ? ? That would be amazing if he could develop a personality like good ole ' Snickers . Now if he would only not be afraid of his own shadow . Today on the walk a moppy dog named Curly came running out of his yard barking at us . He about had a heart attack . Posted by Look what Linda found today ! A brand new stroller ( same brand as the one she returned to Target , just the smaller umbrella stroller ) on sale for . . . . . . $ 4 . 75 ! Yeah for us ! ! I hope Noah likes it . She also found some lawn chairs at a great price , $ 4 . 99 each . We got rid of our big rotting table and broken chairs , so this will be a perfect temporary solution until we get a new patio set . Check out the comfy recliner . That was a few dollars more , but at $ 7 . 00 . . still a bargain . Now when Sara and Tier come over to sun on our deck , they don 't have to lay on the splintery - rotting - doginyourface deck . The one downside of the chairs are they are only rated up to 225 pounds . Any of Linda 's bigger friends won 't be able to sit on them . She is going to leave the sticker on . It would be kind of uncomfortable to say " Oh , excuse me . . . but you are too BIG for that chair , please sit on the deck . " Posted by Linda is getting excited about her trip with Tier , Taylor , Sarah and Baby Leonidas . She 's so thankful that Paul and Jerry are taking us to their townhouses , or we would be parked in a kennel 23 hours a day at somewhere called " Happy Trails Dog Paradise . " Too bad Chimmie could not spend the time at Cesar 's Dog Whisperer Ranch learning how to be a proper dog and not a basket - case . Since I 'll be away from the laptop , I 'm going to do something called auto - post . It 's supposed to upload your entry each day . Maybe Jerry will let me use his Mac to post . ( I doubt it , he 's very protective of his electronics and would not want me getting dog drool on it . ) She 's still working on a solution for cat visits . I told her to buy 4 more cheap litter boxes , 10 of those automatic Glade spray things to combat the odor and open a bag of 5 pound food on the dining room table . Chip would be just fine . Posted by We waited too long before we went out on the trail and the waters had already receded dramatically by 3 : 00 . If we could have gone at around 9 : 00 a . m . when it stopped raining , we would have not even been able to see the stepping stones . Before I was born ( when it was just Snickers , ) Linda was hiking on the trail . The water was really high at one crossing . The log she usually walked across was covered in water . Since it wasn 't that far , she decided to jump . Snickers made it to the other sides since he swam through , but she didn 't . She jumped , hit the bank and slid back into the water . It was waist deep ! At first she laughed , but walking all the way home wet with squishy sneakers wasn 't too fun . Today , we made it across the first stream . There were boys catching snakes in a bucket having a great time . At the next crossing , the water was covering the rocks and she was afraid that she might slip trying to carry us across . Drat ! The walk had to be cut short . She should have attempted it just carrying me and let Chim do the dog paddle across . Posted by Water in a bowl . I 'll probably get 10 , 000 hits on this photo alone . We didn 't lose our power at all . And there isn 't a branch down in our yard . Nothing blew away . Our car is not crushed . Linda still needs to check downstairs for flooding , but she 's believing there won 't be any wetness . It seemed like a normal rain storm to me . The news guys are really fishing for a story . Right now , he is holding up some palm leaves that were blown off . The waves did not even go over the barrier they erected to save the boardwalk . All in all , lots of hype / planning / panic / for not much damage in our town . There might be some areas who were hit hard , but not around where we live . She is very glad that our gutters were all cleaned and cleared a few weeks ago or they would have come down for sure . After church , ( if the rain has stopped ) we are so hitting the trail to look at the flooded streams . It 's going to be epic since its been raining for over 18 hours . Now the news guy are saying another huge band of rain is about to hit our town in just a little while . You can see where Linda collected all Chim 's deck toys and put them in his empty water bowl . She anchored the bowl under the table leg . The bowl if overflowing with water . ( These are the same exact kind of Hurricane photos they are showing on the national news stations on TV . I figured if the network executives think they are epic shots , I should put our wet deck photo on my blog . ) Our lights just flickered . I guess it 's only a matter of time now before the lights go out . Chimmie had to go outside and he would not go down the deck steps unless she carried him ! It 's a good thing he took care of business quickly , or she would have been totally soaked . The umbrella she was using almost collapsed , but they got back in before it broke . I 'm going old - school and just using a pee - pee pad . There is NO WAY I 'm heading outside in this rain and wind . It would pick me up and toss me over the fence . Linda is going to take a hot bath and then get into bed . Yes , I know it 's only 9 : 18 on a Saturday night . But The Big Bed is calling our name and it 's looking very cozy . If Chim needs to pee again , Linda is just putting a pad down in the bathroom and shutting the door . She is not going back outside . Posted by Still no gale force winds . It 's been steadily raining , but not even pouring . The highest winds for our area will be later this evening . I hope we all sleep through it and I don 't get scared . There are 21 , 000 people in just our area without power , but we still have lights . Linda has her flashlight , headlamp and candles ready just in case . The second it stops raining tomorrow , we are rushing down to the trail to see how high the streams are . There 's no way we 'll be able to cross , but Linda will bring the camera to get a photo . Posted by It 's raining , but there isn 't any wind at all . We are wondering if it will actually get scary later on . Just to be safe , Linda just finished taking the chairs and pads off the deck . The table and doghouse are way too heavy for her to move , but she thinks they will be OK . The gym was actually busy today . Her Water class was full and the other classes were packed . Maybe people who usually workout on Sunday came today just in case the gym loses power tomorrow . Anyway , I 'm glad Paul was able to walk us this morning before the rain started . We were able to do the trail and get home just before the rain started . Linda is hungry and exhausted from working out . She is trying to decide on nap / lunch or lunch / nap . If she chooses the nap first , it might end up being nap / dinner ! Then should she read or watch a movie on Netflix ? Vacuum or fold laundry ? ? Such life decisions . P . S . OK , now the wind is picking up . The pine tree in our front yard is swaying a little . P . S . S . Update : Linda decided to eat first since there is a good chance the wind might knock out our power this evening . She did not store up a lot of food that does not need to be cooked , so she thought it might be her last hot meal if we do lose power . Now for that nap . . . . . . Posted by The talk of the town is still Hurricane ( tropical storm for us ) Irene . It 's supposed to hit us sometime tonight . I don 't know if anyone is coming to walk us today , it looks kind of scary outside . Linda has her regular classes today , though she does not know how many students will show up . When she gets home , she needs to clear off our deck so things don 't go blowing around . Hopefully , it won 't already be raining too hard . She decided to go to Target and return the broken stroller last night and while she was there , she stocked up on canned dog / cat food . Everyone was buying all sorts of emergency supplies ( toilet paper , bread , milk , ice , cases of water , flashlights ) but Linda had a cart full of pet food . The cashier looked at her funny , but did not say anything . After , she went to church . It was her favorite Family Night yet . Yeah for family ! A group of her friends went to a restaurant after , but Linda came home to prepare her routines for today and get a good night sleep . Linda loves being alone and reading , doing chores and having it quite . She is such a home - body but really needs to start socializing more . I think she is letting people down by not going to movies , dinners , lunches , and parties . Maybe it 's time for her to change . Her new goal : One group activity a week . My new goal : One extra nap a week . Posted by The newsmen are saying to batten down the hatches , here comes Hurricane Irene ! At one of her gyms this morning , all the ladies were talking about the coming storm and how best to prepare . One of the ideas was to fill up your gas tank today and not wait until tomorrow or Sunday when the power might be out . Sounded reasonable , right ? Wrong . . . Linda just came home from the gas station and she said it was like every man ( or woman ) for themselves . People were short tempered and being rude . Cars were pulling in from both directions and people who were waiting their turn from one side were made to wait when the other car pulled in ahead of him . Plus , it was gridlocked so you could not pull out when you were done pumping . Even mild - tempered , Type B , laid back Linda got her hackles up when a lady who had no business at all driving an F250 pickup could not maneuver the truck in close corners . She would back up 1 inch , pull up 1 inch and wait 2 minutes before starting the same thing all over . Linda thought a guy was going to come to blows with the pickup lady , but he stayed in his vehicle . These signs were sold at Urban Outfitters , but they are out of stock . If everyone made a set of these , then people could stay in their cars and there would be no fights . You could just hold up a sign that said , " Lady , put down the cell phone and drive ! " ( Please ignore the blue one with the pointing finger . That one is bad . ) Linda likes the one that says " I 'm So Sorry . " Posted by Linda figured she better get a walk in this morning before she leaves for her first class since it could be raining later . Chim is still doing the bizarre darting thing he started on Monday night . He smells the ground and jumps back like there is something there going to get him . Next , he darts a few feet in the other direction and smells a new spot , and does the same thing . He 's also freaking out for no reason and flattening himself to the sidewalk . Then he 'll walk 100 feet just fine , but stop dead in his tracks and start the ground sniffing , freaking thing all over again . I only walked 2 houses before I wanted to be carried . Even though it 's not raining yet , the atmosphere feels weird and I 'm very sensitive to weather changes . If there is even a hint of thunder rumble , I won 't walk . A few people say I 'm spoiled , but Linda says I 'm not . Spoiled dogs are annoying . They destroy things when they are left alone for any period of time . They demand to be walked and fed cookies . I don 't do any of those things . But hum . . . that sounds a lot like Chimmie . ( Linda is logged on the " guest user " account on her laptop because she is syncing her work iPod . For some strange reason , this is the only photo on the account . Don 't the explores look adorable ? Katie , who is right behind Tierney is getting married in a few weeks . Tier is going to be her bridesmaid . ) Posted by This is the first day in my life that Linda has ever turned the TV on in the morning . We did not even turn it on after the earthquake hit since it would have been old news . She figured she better watch the weather since we are in the midst of a hurricane warning . It 's 100 miles out from shore . The beaches have been evacuated , and the news just said it will be a " historic storm surge . " We don 't have the hurricane supply kit that the news is recommending . We do have 3 cans of dog food and 4 cans of cat food although that wasn 't on the list . There is about 30 pounds of dry food left , so I know we won 't be starving . If we lose power , Linda has her new ginormous torch flashlight ( she better check if there is batteries though ) so no problem there . People are buying bottled water , but I bet the shelves are already empty . She 'll check today between classes and see if she can find a few emergency bottles . Since we are far from the beach , it will only be a Tropical Storm at our house , so it could just be a wet weekend and not dangerous . We don 't have raincoats , so Linda found this great idea to make us raincoats out of grocery bags ! It looks like they forgot to leave a little opening for him to do his business . Posted by Noah loved taking a bath this afternoon . He was splashing Linda and playing with the floating toys just having a great time . When Linda took him out , he made the funniest face ! His little lip was quivering like he was going to cry , but he held it together . As soon as Linda got him dressed , she let me up on The Big Bed and he forgot about being sad his bath was over . It was our best day together yet . Linda wishes she could watch him one more day each week . Posted by When Tierney was 2 years old , Linda took her to the pediatrician for her regular checkup . Besides being off the charts in her height , she was already smarter than some Kindergartners . Tier was entertaining the Dr . with stories and asking questions about her instruments . Linda remembers the Dr . calling Tierney precocious . At first Linda thought she meant precious , but asked her to repeat herself . The Dr . said it 's when a child demonstrates very mature qualities at an early age . According to this old article , Linda should have treated her like an animal and not engaged her in any mental studies . Ooops , too late . Now look what happened ! Tierney turned out super smart and successful because Linda encouraged her mental studies . Posted by The stroller might have been a good bargain , but Linda should have realized that the damaged box might have meant that the stroller itself was damaged too . When Noah woke up from a very short nap ( giggling and saying " ga - ga " which I think is baby talk for " Choopie , where are you ? " ) Linda took us downstairs to get the stroller assembled so we could all take a walk . As soon as she got it out of the box , she noticed the frame was slightly bent and the metal part where you put the wheel on was crushed . Since she does not have a car seat for Noah , they can 't return it for a new one . Bummer . That means Noah does not get his walk , but neither do Chimmie and I . Instead , Noah ate his big - boy lunch of cheese , hard boiled egg , diced carrots and applesauce with fresh blueberries . I had all the leftovers , except I wasn 't too crazy about the carrots . Noah made a big mess so he got to have a bath and Linda put his new outfit on him . Now , he 's doing his " ah ah ah " sounds which means bottle time and maybe the rest of his nap . Or it could mean " I want to watch Bambie on Netflix . Posted by Linda just noticed that the earthquake Tuesday caused a little damage to our walls . She is not sure what she should do first . Do you call the insurance company or get a contractor to come and give an estimate to fix the walls ? I guess if there are cracks in the kitchen , there might be cracks elsewhere too . I hope our ceilings stay up , especially because we have company today . Noah is asleep in the bedroom . Linda wants to take a picture of him because he looks so adorable , but she does not want to chance waking him up . She was able to buy the stroller she wanted at Target this morning . The box had two little rips and a hole in it , so she asked the manager guy if he could discount it . He gave her an extra 10 % off ! ! It 's a good thing she has tools now . You have to put the wheels on the axles and then attach that to the stroller body . There are also some other screws that need to be attached to hold the tray and handle on . Having tools is kind of nice , but now she has to learn to do things herself instead of calling on good friends for help . Since she put the Eureka ! together by herself , the stroller shouldn 't be too much harder . Maybe she could even fix the walls and repaint the kitchen too ! ! ( Now that 's just crazy talk . ) Posted by Linda often wonders if there is something seriously wrong with Chimmie . He has so many positive traits . He is a kind and gentle dog to everyone . He has never bared his teeth , growled or been threatening . He LOVES everyone equally . A stranger could come in the house and he loves them as much or more then he loves Linda . Chim is thankful for every little rub and praise you give him . He does amazing on a leash and obeys every command . He 'll walk for hours and does not want to be carried . ( I have an excuse for that . I 'll get seizures if I go to long and it 's hot outside . ) If you have a cookie , he can do incredible circus lion tricks and jump from platform to platform ( OK , they are more like smooth stepping stones . ) But just look at these photos ! ! This is a normal day for him . The duck was a birthday present from Paul . He liked it a lot , but as of this morning , it is now in the trash can . This is around his 10th bed . He adores his beds , so much so that he nurses on them when he falls asleep . But no matter how strong , tough , or durable the bed is supposed to be , he chews a hole in it . When he is tired , he drags his bed out of his little room and puts it where he wants to nap . Yesterday , he was taking little chewing breaks as he was making his way into the den . This is what Linda found ! A little stuffing trail . Chim is also afraid of random dogs . He 'll make himself into a pancake and whimper . He sometimes is petrified of getting his harness on . No matter how sternly he is corrected , he still can 't help but jump up on people to greet them . There is not off switch on Chimmie when he wants to play . He 'll seriously jump / wrestle / run until he falls asleep on his feet . Chim has chewed holes in the wooden deck . There hasn 't been a toy yet they he has not destroyed . He 'll eat just about anything : crayons , dead bugs , twigs , cat poop , poison berries , fabric , entire tennis balls , lawn furniture . . . . I could go on and on . If someone knows Cesar Milan , would you please tell him about this post ? Chim needs to go to the Ranch . Posted byChalupa Linda 's favorite ring in the world went missing about 5 years ago . She was almost certain that it was on her nightstand , and then when she went looking for it , it wasn 't there . The diamond ring was her Moms , and it had more sentimental value to her then anything else . At the time , Linda had a cleaning lady named Maria . She cleaned our house for about 10 years , and nothing ever went missing . ( Every single time Taylor would lose his wallet , he would say " Maria took it . " Of course he would always find it stuffed in a pair of jeans or under his blankets . When he was little , he was scared of her because she had a shiny gold tooth . ) Back to the story : So the ring was never found . She had a suspension that it might have ended up in Sheba 's or Snicker 's belly , but she checked the backyard droppings for weeks and never found it . The other option is that it fell down the heating vent by the nightstand and she 's not sure how she would get it out . Imagine if $ 10 , 000 worth of diamonds went missing ? ? That 's what happened to a jeweler in Georgia . The man left the expensive earrings on his desk and walked away . His little dog Honey Bun jumped up on his office chair and gulped the earrings down . The next day the jeweler was able to pick the diamonds out of Honey Bun 's poop and clean them up good as new . Ha ! Do you think some unsuspecting rich lady is going to ever know where the earrings were ? Posted by All quite on the earthquake front . Linda had the BEST night of sleep in years . She fell asleep quickly and only woke up when it started to get light out . It has been so many years of tossing and turning , that she forgot what it feels like to wake up and not be tired . Since she was awake , she woke all the pets up too . Chim and I had an early morning walk and Chip actually got fed before she started her morning ritual of screaming for her kibble . Besides doing laundry and house chores , she even had enough time to drink 2 cups of coffee before she had to leave for classes . The best news : Noah is coming tomorrow ! ! We missed him so much last week . Linda is hoping to get to Target to buy a stroller sometime today . We found a very sturdy umbrella stroller with a giant basket underneath ( for me to ride in ! ) It also has a very large sun shade and the handle is high enough for Linda . The Target she went to yesterday only had the display model , so she is going to try the Target by Gold 's today . Also , it 's under $ 40 ! Posted by By now , the 5 . 8 earthquake in DC is old news . Nothing exciting happened at our house . I looked at Linda with my " carry " eyes and Chim was running around the backyard just like normal . Linda was washing dishes when the earthquake hit . All the appliances are secured but the refrigerator , so it was shaking back and forth . She felt the ground roll like she was in a fun - house at the carnival . What should she do ? ? ? Since she was planning on resting her legs / back before her 3 evening classes , that is exactly what she did . We all got up on The Big Bed and she read for 30 minutes while Chim and I napped . Her classes were only1 / 2 full tonight . The guy working the front desk said the gym was empty too . People where calling assuming the gym was closed since lots of companies were dismissed early . Jerry did come by for our usual walk while she was gone . We did the trail until it got too dark and we had to finish in the neighborhood . As usual , we are all heading to bed early since Tuesday is Linda 's hardest day . Night , Night . . . . I feel so bad . The one night that Linda falls asleep quick and even stays asleep , I had to wake her up twice . The first time I had to go outside . It was a real emergency or I would have waited until morning . The second time , I needed a drink of water . I walked the entire hour last night and must have forgotten to drink when I got home . Linda said I lapped for at least 30 seconds without stopping . She knew I would probably have to go back outside again in an hour , but I held it until 7 : 15 so she could sleep in . Chim was still worn out from the late walk and his running marathon and did not want to wake up ! She had to pick him up out of his bed and carry him to the backyard . Everything is back to normal now . He 's throwing a toy on the laptop keyboard and I 'm settling down for my first nap of the day . I forgot that I was actually bigger than Chimmie at one time ! I never talk about Snickers first dog named Sheba . She was a full breed Siberian Husky . Linda got her as an eight - week old puppy . She was the sweetest dog . . . . for about the first 13 minutes she was home . Sheba was beautiful to look at , but she was the most stubborn and willful dog ever born . Linda said she would talk back every single time she was corrected . Sheba would do this howl thing , just like she was arguing with you . She found 100 ways to escape from the backyard . Linda had to spend lots of money on chicken wire and an electric fence so she would get shocked by a collar if she left the yard . None of that worked . Finally , she got a real - deal cattle fence . If the dog touched the live wire along the 6 foot fence line , ZAP ! That solved the escaping problem . One time Linda had to pay $ 75 to bail her out of the dog pound . Another time she ran 5 miles away and was found on a golf course . Sheba would kill anything moving . . birds , squirrels , bunnies . Linda 's shoulder was almost out of the socket every time they took a walk . The dog once pulled Taylor off his feet and dragged him along the trail . To top it all off , she was allergic to grass and would get these horrible skin rashes that required weekly vet visits and special baths . ( Ever try bathing a 55 pound Husky who hates water ? ) As much of a pain as she was , Linda was a little sad when she got a blood disease and went over the rainbow bridge . Linda left her eyes demon red in this photo on purpose . They were really an amazing shade of sky blue . Posted by Linda subbed a late class tonight , so she did not get home until 7 : 30 . Since Chim had been cooped up for almost 4 hours , she took us for a long walk even though she was tired and wanted nothing more than to eat some food and rest . Since we knew we would be gone an hour , the trail was out of the question because it would have been much too dark . Instead , we did our next favorite thing . Linda carried us across the busy main road and we walked in a different neighborhood . I love all the new smells and sights . Chimmie was doing the funniest thing . He was darting around , changing directions like a bunny . We think he was trying to catch bugs , but Linda did not see anything . It was like he was jacked - up on too much caffeine . When we got home , he did his usual 100 mile an hour figure - eights around the backyard for 10 solid minutes . He ran so hard he started having an asthma attack and was choking to breath . Dumb dog . He 's already pulled his bed out and tucked himself in . Posted by I 'm don 't know why , but Linda likes to look at wedding photography blogs . She loves looking at the photos , especially the non - posed , spontaneous shots . One of her favorites is : http : / / www . imkristensblog . com / . There are lots others , but since no one else ( not even me ) cares about strangers wedding photos , she won 't bore you . She cries at the weirdest times during wedding ceremonies . Always when the brides / grooms parents are escorted down the aisle . At Emily 's wedding , she cried when Grandma B was escorted down by her two sons . At Jamie 's wedding , she completely lost it when the groom 's Dad , Mr . Bickle came out . She was sobbing and making noises . There is something about a child leaving their parents and starting a whole new life that tugs at her heartstrings . When she walked down the aisle at Taylor 's wedding , she did not cry a single tear . In fact , she did not cry once the entire wedding . ( She cried enough at the engagement announcement ! ) She sometimes cries when she sees the grooms face looking at his bride coming down the aisle . Some guys look like a deer in the headlights , but the ones that look at their future wives with the soft , I 'll Love You Forever eyes make her cry . Posted by Chip really lit into Chimmie tonight . We did not see it , but heard Chimmie yip and scream . He came running down the hall crying his eyes out . There wasn 't any blood on him , Chim must have just scared his fur off . If Snickers was still here , he would protect us both from the mean cat . Linda found a website ( totally by accident , she did not google " bring Snickers back to life " ) that will do a life size stand - up photo poster of your deceased pet . It would be such a good idea for a few reasons . First , I could put the Snickers pop - up right next to my kitchen bed so I can see him the second I wake up from my naps . Linda could also put it up by the front window and bad buys would leave our house alone . I guess it would be a little creepy though . We used to have this heavy bag named Bob . It was shaped like a real man and Linda used to punch and kick him . Every single time she went downstairs into the room and turned on the light , she would momentary get frightened and think someone was in the house . Posted by It 's been a restful kind of day . We did our walk with Paul while Linda was gone . It was way too hot for a long trail walk , but we did a short one . She forgot to leave Paul a note to work with Chimmie on crossing the stepping stones by himself . He can jump from stone to stone on the ones that are closer together . Soon , Linda won 't have to carry him at all , which will free up her hand to carry the iPhone / camera for emergency calls / photos . There is no way I could do it though , so she won 't even attempt to have me try . My little legs are too short to chance leaping across the deep water . ( He did fall in the first few times , but then figured it out . He really is smart when there are cookies involved . ) We took a nap earlier and feel much better . Chim has wanted to spend most of the afternoon on the deck playing with his outside toys , so it 's been really quite around the house . It 's been a little while since I put up a Snickers photo . He was my Daddy , Best Friend , Mommy and Protector all rolled into one . Snickers always let me win the wrestling matches . I would bite him under the neck or on the ear and hang on when he stood up . Every time Linda sees a photo of him she gets all teary eyed . She wants to find the photo of me sticking my entire head inside his mouth . We loved him . Posted by The minute Linda leaves for church , I 'm going right back to bed . Paul will be here to walk us soon and I need to recharge . All three of us were super tired yesterday , so we went to bed early . Chim actually pulled out his bed first and laid down at 9 : 15 . Linda and I turned in a few minutes later . She fell right asleep , but was wide awake and thought it was time to get up at 12 : 15 ! She tossed and turned ( which means I had to toss and turn to since I sleep right next to her ) until almost 4 : 00 a . m . Chip decided she was absolutely starving at 6 : 30 a . m . and could not wait a minute longer to be fed . One lone crow , probably the leader of the murder , thought it would be funny to caw on the fence right near our bedroom window for 15 straight minutes straight . All Chips caterwauling and the crows crowerwauling woke Chim up , then he decided he needed to go outside . Right this minute , Linda is pretty crabby from lack of sleep and so many animal noises at an early hour . At least a cup of hot coffee will wake her up , right ? Nope . . . . she forgot to buy coffee yesterday . To cheer Linda up , I thought I 'd re - post the photo of the dirt the Eureka ! pulled out of her carpet . She said she will vacuum before church to get her in a better frame of mind . Posted by You might not be able to read the caption on this photo . It says " After fourteen months at sea . . . blah , blah , blah . . . meets his baby for the first time . " I could be wrong , but that kid looks more than 5 months old . Plus , why is he holding it like that ? I wonder what this little girl is doing today ? Posted by We know 3 : 42 p . m . is way too early for bed , but Linda is so tired that she needs to lay down and nap . This morning started at 6 : 00 a . m . and she worked until 1 : 30 . There was time for a quick shower and change of sweaty clothes , then back out to her friends Cabi party . A Cabi party is where you go to someones home and try on beautiful clothes at prices Linda could never afford . Linda watched the show and listened to the sales pitch , but did not tempt herself by trying on outfits . Maybe she can buy something 1 / 2 price at the end of the season when it all goes on sale . Anyway , after a short nap maybe she will be able to meet up with Sarah and Taylor for dinner . Oh , I forgot to mention that the pet store was having an amazing sale yesterday . Linda got all these of these toys for only $ 5 . 00 . They were originally $ 9 . 99 each ! Now when Chimmie chews them to bits in 2 days , she won 't feel so bad . I guess with all the money she saved on the toys , she could have justified buying a $ 45 shirt at the party . ( Except all the shirts she liked were more than $ 45 . so it 's a no - brainer anyway . ) The camping trip was cut short because of severe hail , pouring rain and lightening . Linda got to see Tier , Sarah and Taylor at church tonight but only through the nursery window . They were going downstairs to the fellowship hall to have dinner and finish their camping trip fun indoors . The babies in the nursery were very fussy tonight and Linda has lots of spit up and drool on her shirt . Noah was there , but he was busy crawling around the lobby and did not come into the nursery . She was happy that she got to cuddle him and give him a kiss before she left for the night . Hopefully , he 'll be coming this Thursday for our usual play date . It 's off to bed now because Linda has an early morning meeting before her regular classes . Posted by 4 and 20 crows baked in a pie ! This is getting ridiculous . I know I wrote that typing and saying " murder of crows " is fun , but now I 'm wondering if they are not out to actually murder me ! A few days ago they flew around us on the wooded trail . Yesterday , they were on the house across the street and today . . . THEY CAME IN OUR BACKYARD ! I 'm not talking one or two rogue crows either . This is a MURDER OF CROWS . There must be 50 of them ! ! When Linda got home from teaching and Home Depot , she put us out in the back to go downstairs and do some laundry . She could hear me barking and barking all the way down in the laundry room , so she came up to see what the deal was . The crows were everywhere ! ! On our fence , flying overhead and going CAW - CAW . . I WANT TO EAT YOU UP CHOOPIE . When she opened the sliding glass door , they flew into the yard that backs up to ours . You can 't really see them very well since Linda does not have a camera with a telephoto lens . Just believe me when I tell you all the trees were full of the murdering birds . If they don 't go away soon , Linda is going to have Taylor come over with his B - B gun and Megan will be baking some bird pie ! Posted by This mornings trail walk was eerie . It rained cats and dogs yesterday , so everything was damp , humid and very wet . It was hot already even though it was very early . There was steam coming up from the foliage and streams . High winds had knocked off lots of leaves and small branches onto the trail . The water was very high and large trunks of trees had washed down and created a little dam where we cross over on the stepping stones . ( I wish Tierney was writing this post . She studied creative writing in college and has a way with words . She could make it sound much better than I am . ) Linda decided to take a shortcut home . No one ( not even the deer , unless they were very short deer ) had been on the deer trail in a long time so she kept getting a face full of cobwebs every few yards . We didn 't see one sign of wildlife , not even the murder of crows . ( I just love writing " murder of crows " . I will try to use it as often as possible just because it sounds so cool . ) We left the iPhone home again , so no photos of our adventure . . . but this is what it looked like . We were almost expecting a Zombie from The Walking Dead or even Bigfoot to pop out and get us ! Posted by To be fair , Chimmie does dumb things and once ( just once ) I did too . When I was super tiny , maybe just 2 pounds , I needed a snack . Instead of waiting until Linda got home , I made my body squeeze in the little opening under the cabinet where Linda keeps the food . I was able to bypass the doors and just climb inside . OH MY ! I tore into a bag of treats and ate until I got sick and my belly was swollen ! Paul fixed the cabinet by nailing a board in the opening so I could not get in anymore . Anyway , nothing Chim or or have done is as dumb as what a babysitter did in Florida . Instead of taking the baby out of the stroller and putting it in the car seat , she just loaded the stroller into the back of her pickup truck and sped along on super busy highways ! Other motorists were calling 911 after seeing the infant sitting in the stroller . The cops finally caught up with her . She thought it was OK since someone was laying in the truckbed holding the strollers wheel so it did not roll back and forth . Speaking of strollers , Linda wants to get this Bob stroller for baby Leonidas or Zena . ( The baby might be a girl , so Erica ( Taylor 's other Mom ) is calling the baby Zena Princess Warrior . ) It is by far , the top of the line jogging stroller . Sarah loves to run and it would be the perfect present for her . Since Sarah doesn 't read this blog , it could still be a surprise ! Posted by Tier , Taylor and Sarah left this morning for the annual camping trip with the Young Adult group from church . Over 100 people usually go . Everyone gets a job for the weekend . Sarah will be cooking , Taylor will be chopping wood and tending to the fire and Tierney is in charge of one of the latrines . I 'm sure Tier will decorate the tarps hanging around the potty with pretty artwork and there will be fashion magazines available as reading material . Sarah grew up a country girl and is right at home in the woods , Taylor . . . not so much and Tier not at all . She is a good sport though and always has a good time . Here are some photos from past trips . Posted by I am a 5 - year old Chorkie . A Chorkie is half Chihuahua and half Yorkie . I used to weigh 1 1 / 2 pounds , now I am a whopping 6 . 2 pounds . I 'm trying to lose weight , but it is an uphill battle . I live with Linda , my human and Chimmie the Chihuahua . |
Nick was walking down the street snacking on rice crackers . He forgot how much wasabi they used in rice crackers and desperately needed a drink . As he walked to convenience store two doors down from his office , a man fell in front of him . But it wasn 't as if the man simply tripped and fell while walking relatively close to Nick . It would be more apt to say the man dropped in front of Nick and when he hit the concrete , pieces of the man 's head shot out in all directions , yet somehow completely missed Nick . " Nick , it 's your father , " his mother 's panicked voice said on the phone . " He fell and he hit his neck and head . I 'm really worried about him . Can you come home and help me bring him to the hospital ? " " Absolutely mom , " he said . " I 'll be right there . I just found this great suit . Once I 'm done getting it , I 'll be right home . " It wasn 't as if Nick was a bad person who often stole things from fresh corpses . Quite the contrary . His boyfriend , Donovan , would tell you that Nick was the kindest and sweetest man he ever knew . The reason why Nick was taking the suit was simply because he wasn 't thinking of the man at that moment . Later on , after he thought a little more thoroughly about the suit in his possession , he would rationalize about how the man wouldn 't exactly be needing the suit anymore and that level of fine craftsmanship deserves to be passed down to someone who would appreciate its quality . A few people who were watching did give him a few odd looks as he stripped the man . But no one approached Nick to question what he was doing . Most actually assumed that he was simply a medical professional and he was doing something that would somehow help this poor man who fell . Rational thought is hard to come by when people are in shock . This was true for the group of people who watched as Nick Exagrio stole a suit off of a dead body . This was also true for Nick 's father , Pavlo Exagrio . While he was growing up , Nick and his two older brothers , Jason and Alex , were always told by their father to have someone watching you when you climb up a ladder , even if it 's just a step ladder . And this was true . And Pavlo had a stark reminder of this lesson when he tried screwing in a kitchen lightbulb , standing on a step ladder all by himself . His wife , Carmella , had cleaned the laminate floors earlier that day and the ladder slipped out from under his feet and when he toppled over , he hit his head on his new stove , leaving a deep dent in its door . Carmella heard her husband fall and rushed downstairs to find him lying on the floor with Zeus , the couple 's golden retriever , licking his face . She noticed him not fighting back against the dog and immediately panicked inside thinking her husband was dead . She rushed to his sides and stood over him , seeing his eyes open and his breathing . The look on his face read somewhere between defeat and annoyance . Carmella 's immediate instinct was to call her three sons . She had called Nick last . For some reason , whenever she needed to call her boys , she called them in chronological order . First she called Jason and he took the rest of the day off work to attend to his father . Then she called Alex who was at home sick , but agreed to come home right away as well . Then she called Nick , who was in the process of stealing a suit off of a corpse before he came home . Jason and Alex got home around the same time and Nick arrived at the house , the same house all three boys grew up in , about ten minutes after his brothers did . Nick wore his new suit jacket , which he wasn 't able to button up at the front . He had already ripped the pants when he tried to put them on outside of his car . Though he often changes his clothes right next to his car ( no matter where is car might be parked ) , he never made a lot of effort to look to see if there would be anyone around to see him change . Luckily for him , no one who saw the corpse drop and saw Nick strip the man saw him try to put on the man 's suit . He left the Egyptian silk shirt behind , as it was stained beyond repair with the man 's remains . The tie was stained as well , but not as severely as the shirt . Nick knew a trip to the dry cleaners would get the tie 's stain right out . To look at all three of the Exagrio boys , who were all in their thirties by this point , anyone could immediately tell they were brothers . All three had facial hair , though it was clear each of them made an effort to trim their beards as different from their brothers as they could , and thick dark hair on the tops of their heads . Only Jason 's hairline was receding , which is why he kept his head shaved . Nick had just started growing his hair longer and the back touched his shoulders . Alex kept his hair shorter on the sides and longer on the top and it was always neatly combed , even on his apparent day home sick . As his two brothers started arguing again , Nick went into the kitchen to look at the dent . It was in the door of the stove , which was closed . Nick figured his dad must had hit it sideways , which wouldn 't be as bad if he hit it head on , like the man did on the concrete earlier that day . It was a pretty deep dent . But Nick always did think his father had a thick skull . " Nice to see you , Nick , " his mother 's voice said from behind him . Nick realized that he had walked right past his mother when he walked into the kitchen and didn 't even notice her . She was sitting at the kitchen table , playing with an unlit cigarette . Carmella Exagrio was remarkably slim for both birthing and raising three boys . But she also spent half of her life only eating lettuce making sure she could keep her figure . She married Pavlo very young but would never say how young . Nick heard as young as 19 . This was because Carmella wasn 't Greek , and grandma and grandpa Exagrio didn 't approve of non - Greeks in the family . They especially didn 't approve of Italians . Even after his parents eloped , Nick 's grandparents still visited them , though they never said much to his mother . Pavlo always said his heritage wasn 't that important to him , but Nick thought it was funny that all three of Pavlo 's boys had the most Greek names you could give to three modern North Americans . " He has an ice pack on his head and he took some headache pills , " she said . " He thinks he 's going to be fine . I think he 's an idiot . " " Well , Donovan didn 't come , " she replied before starting to chew on the cigarette 's filter . She wasn 't wrong about that . Donovan didn 't come to a lot of the family dinners . But it was Nick who always encouraged Donovan not to come along . Nick didn 't want his family getting close to Donovan . He didn 't see the relationship lasting . Zeus was lying next to Pavlo when Nick walked into the room . This was the moment when Nick realized that Zeus didn 't come running up to him when he walked in the door . Zeus always tried to steal people 's shoes when they came over . Apparently he hadn 't left his dad 's side since Pavlo went to bed . " Which one are you ? " Pavlo asked , the ice pack covering his eyes . He was much smaller than his sons . All three of his boys were close to six feet tall while Pavlo never made it past five and a half feet . Nick noticed the grey patches in his father 's beard were getting larger and lighter in colour . His dad was well over sixty by this time . The image in his mind was the forty - something year old version of his father . To see him this much older almost startled Nick . It 's not as if he hadn 't seen his father in a while . But he just never noticed how old he was looking . Nick turned and walked out of the room . He stepped down the stairs and stopped on the third to last stair , just looking over his two brothers who were still arguing . " Dad says he 's getting a headache , " Nick said . Alex shot a terrified glance to Nick . " You see ! " Alex yelled . " You see ! A headache is a clear sign of a concussion or a hemorrhage or severe brain trauma ! He 's going to die of an aneurysm unless we get him to the hospital now ! " " He has a headache because the two of you won 't shut up , " Nick shot back . " He doesn 't need to go to the hospital , but a doctor wouldn 't kill him . He probably just doesn 't want to leave the house . Alex , aren 't you still dating that doctor ? " Alex 's quarter - life crisis hit him hard . For his thirtieth birthday , he called off his engagement , quit his job , and declared he was going to write a book . Everyone 's still waiting for that book . As far as anyone could tell , all Alex did was work his few shifts at the book store and go home to drink wine . He would often ramble about plot lines and character development and what Hemingway did to write ( drink ) and what Kerouac did for inspiration ( drink ) and yet no one ever read a word he wrote . His career before his sudden literary renaissance was as an engineer , just like his father . " Well , he needs to see someone , " Nick said . " I 'm going to try and talk some sense into him and see if he 'll see anyone . In the meantime , take your arguing outside . " Zeus still hadn 't moved when Nick went back into his father 's room . At the sight of Nick , Zeus ' tail started wagging a bit , though he stayed in place nestled next to Pavlo . " This is the most quiet it 's been since I hit the ground , " Pavlo chuckled . " I don 't know how you shut them up , but thank you . " Jason was the academic of the family . He had completed his PhD a couple of years back , graduated top of his class , married one of his classmates , had a paper published , and earned a tenure at the local college . His degree was in Music History and his area of expertise was in the impact of the mid - west on modern rock , specifically pertaining to the Replacements and Husker Du . He read voraciously . His apartment didn 't even have a TV . There were books lining all of the walls and stacked on shelves to the point where the wood curved in the middle . But Nick wasn 't always so sure that Jason 's mind was that reliable . He remembered a time when Jason insisted that the medical industry was corrupted because of the prevalence of white culture seen in doctors and nurses in North American hospitals . Nick knew something was wrong with this statement . Every doctor he had ever seen was originally from India . Alex finally asked what book Jason read that fact in . Jason pulled up the book on his phone and showed it to Alex , who promptly pointed out that the book was published in the 1970s by a psychedelic collective better known for illegal reproductions of Kurt Vonnegut and Abbie Hoffman books . " You know , one time , " Pavlo sat up and took the ice pack off of his head . " One time Jason tried to give me a lesson on bridge tensile strength . He read something somewhere about triangle shapes and curved shapes in creating bridge support , so he wanted to tell me all about it . I designed bridges for forty years . " Pavlo laughed . Nick took the ice pack and felt that it was already getting pretty warm . He offered to go back downstairs and get the other ice pack for his father . Once he was downstairs , he saw both of his brothers on the couch staring at their phones . They didn 't look up when Nick hit the bottoms step . He went into the kitchen and grabbed the other ice pack just as his mother came back inside the house . " Annoyed at his children , " Nick said . " Can 't blame him . A house full of people here apparently for him and they all act like he 's not even here . Otherwise , from what I can see he 's ok . I just worry about what 's going on that we can 't see . " When Nick went upstairs to give his father the other ice pack , he could hear coughing and wretching . He entered the bedroom to find his father on the floor , vomiting and a good portion of the vomit had blood in it . Nick dropped the ice pad . It took a moment for Nick to compose himself . He was panicking inside . He had never seen anyone throw up blood before . It shouldn 't have bothered him . After all , he had stolen a suit off of a dead body earlier that day . But it was different to see his father like this . Once he composed himself , he ran to the top of the stairs . " Stop psychoanalyzing me , " their mother 's voice carried over them . They looked over and saw their mother standing next to one of the white waiting room chairs . She was looking through a stack of crumpled magazines . " Even a real shrink couldn 't figure me out . " " Shut up , " their mother muttered . " Get off your high horse . Let 's see if your father comes out of here alive . Then you can give me the health lecture . " " Like you should be giving a health lecture , " Alex pointed a finger at Jason . " You didn 't even want dad to see a doctor . Now look at where he is ! " Finally , the doctor came out into the waiting room and sat down with the family . " He definitely has a concussion , " the doctor said . Alex tapped Nick on the shoulder and said something about knowing the doctor . Nick noticed what Alex was saying . He didn 't remember the doctor 's name , but he remembered him being in school at the same time he was . He thought that maybe he was in the same grade as Alex was . It would explain why is accent was so light . " But we noticed something else in our exams . He actually has a small blood clot in his right frontal lobe . It 's small enough right now that it 's actually not interfering with any blood flow . But if we waited any longer , he certainly would be suffering much worse . The procedure to remove it is actually relatively simple . Our neurosurgeon will be able to operate on him tomorrow . " The family was allowed to see Pavlo once the doctor finished explaining the procedure . No one in the family understood most of what the doctor said . Jason kept nodding his head and saying things like , " OK , " and , " Oh , I see , " and , " Yes , I understand . " But no one there really understood . All they knew was that their father , her husband , was going to have his skull opened up and his brain tinkered with because a clump of something is blocking blood from flowing . The doctor saying it was a " relatively simple procedure " didn 't help . As far as this family could tell , there was nothing simple about this . They all stood in the room around Pavlo , who was awake now , but they all could tell he was feeling pretty weak . He could barely keep his eyes open . Everyone was silent , processing what was going to happen in the next day . No one knew what to expect . What kind of help would he need once he was out of the hospital ? Would this cause any other brain damage ? How long before he would be back to normal again ? The silence hung like a sixth person in the room , looming over the family . This line of conversation was typically for the Exagrio family . If they weren 't arguing , they were completely silent with each other . They weren 't always like this . But adult life changed the three boys . Jason and Alex went to different colleges and Nick completely bypassed post - secondary education and went right into the working world . There wasn 't an instant moment where the three boys felt separated and estranged from each other . It just crumbled over time to the point where they can 't stand being around each other anymore . Which was especially difficult seeing how much their mother loved family dinners . This may have been the real reason why Nick never brought Donovan over for family dinner . Maybe Nick didn 't actually think the relationship with Donovan wasn 't going to work out . Maybe he wanted the relationship to work out and was afraid what would happen if Donovan saw Nick 's whole family together . It wasn 't a pretty sight . Jason stormed out of the room and Nick followed behind . He watched his older brother pull out his cell phone , tap something on his screen , and hold it against his face . They were out of the building before Nick could hear anything his brother was saying . " Yeah , total asshole , " Jason said . " I 'm getting out of here as soon as I can . I don 't even know why I bother trying . " He looked over and spotted his younger brother watching him . " I need to call you back , " he said as he hung up . " Why did you follow me ? " " I 'm just fucking done , " Jason continued . " I 'm fucking done with all of this . What kind of adult spends this much time with their family ? " " I don 't know , " Nick shrugged . " We 've always been like this . Even when you and Alex were in school and I was still living at home , it still felt like you were always around . And then when you were around , you just became a different person each time . Like you just kept losing more and more patience . " " Well , clearly there 's a good reason for that , " Jason said as he pulled out his keys . " I 'm just fucking done . I 'll be back when dad 's in recovery . Otherwise , don 't fucking call me . " Nick decided against going back inside . Instead , he took a walk to find some food . He didn 't know this part of the city well . The hospital was connected to the local college and Nick wandered around the campus , not recognizing any building and having no clue where to find any decent food . He finally found a pub and he hoped the kitchen was still open . Half a sandwich and a handful of fries later , Nick 's phone started ringing . Alex was calling and Nick had a serious internal debate inside , considering whether or not answering this call would be worth his time . He stared at the call screen for at least four rings before sliding his finger on the small call logo and answering his brother . " It 's not exactly nearby either , " Alex huffed heavily . " I don 't know how you just wander like that . Aren 't you scared of walking and falling into a manhole or wandering into a bad part of town and getting mugged ? " " Not really , " Nick stuffed a few fries into his mouth . " This pub is pretty good . I had the turkey club . The bacon was really crispy . You should try it sometime . " " Yeah , maybe I will once our dad isn 't in the hospital anymore , " Alex 's voice progressively raised louder and louder . " What the hell are you doing wandering off anyways ? You should be here ! " " Oh course she has " Alex said . " She wants all of us here . It 's bad enough with dad lying in a bed plugged into machines . I don 't need mom having a stress stroke because we 're not getting along . " Nick realized that Alex had a point . He pulled out his wallet and dropped a bit of cash on the table . " I 'll be right there , " Nick said to his brother . An ambulance screamed by as Nick walked back to the hospital . It was pitch black out and Nick didn 't think to check his phone as he wondered what time it was . The lights from the ambulance left a red hue on everything that he looked at as he wandered past the student dorms and the all night convenience stores whose white lights almost stung his retinas . Though he wasn 't sure how long he had been walking for . Nick figured it must have been for a while , at least a couple of hours . When he walked back into the emergency room , he saw Jason sitting in the waiting room with an intake form resting on his lap and a brace tied around his neck . There was a decent sized gash on his forehead as well , made all the more prominent by the fact he didn 't have any hair to cover the cut . " I got sandwiched between two cars , " Jason said . " I got rear - ended by one guy and my car slammed into guy ahead of me . The guy who rear - ended me took off . I 'm looking to press full charges . Hit - and - run is a felony if there 's a bodily injury . " Jason sighed . " She had class in the morning , so she wants to keep sleeping , " he said . " It 's alright . I 'm going to be fine . You 're all here , so I should be fine . " This explanation was enough to sate both Jason and Nick . Jason understood that those early morning classes were hard , especially if you didn 't sleep a lot the night before . Nick was assured by Jason 's logic and his insistence that he was going to be fine . In theother room , Nick could hear Alex having a fit . He couldn 't completely make out the words , but he was catching phrases like , " It 's not right , " and , " This should be more important . " Carmella came back into the waiting room through the door that Nick could hear Alex 's yelling come from . Under one arm , she had her purse tucked . Under the other arm was a bag of tortilla chips from one of the hospital vending machines . She plopped down onto the chair next to Nick and reached into her purse , pulling out a bottle of pills and a bottle of water . " I have such a headache , " she said as she popped two pills into her mouth and swallowed a gulp of water . " This day needs to end already . " Through the door that all of Alex 's yelling was coming from was another voice of someone trying to calm Alex down . Nick thought about how whoever was trying to calm Alex down was in for a big shock , He didn 't exactly calm down . He kind of just continues to get more and more agitated until he explodes like a hot water tank with no pressure valve . He usually falls asleep after he blows , too . Doesn 't matter where he is or what else is going on , after he explodes he always seems to find a way to fall asleep . " What do you mean you can 't look him over for a few more hours ? ! " every in the hospital could hear Alex screaming this . Nick figured Alex was screaming about getting their father into some other test , maybe to avoid the surgery altogether . " He has a head injury and he 's in a neck brace . He 's obviously seriously hurt , I don 't understand why you can 't see him yet ! " The doors swung open violently , like a car had just sped through the hallway . Only it was Alex standing in the doorway , pushing his way through . Nick only saw Alex for a brief second as the door swung back into Alex 's face . He must have hit the door open significantly hard for it to swing back to hard . Once it hit Alex 's face , it knocked him off of his feet and he feel back first , feet in the air , on the hospital floor . Jason and Nick didn 't move from where they were sitting , though both saw how hard the door his Alex 's face and , ultimately , how hard Alex hit the floor . Jason 's reason for not immediately jumping up and running to his brother 's aide was strictly medical ; after all , he was just in a serious car accident . Nick 's reason for not going to his brother 's aide was less forgivable : he simply didnt know what to do . Alex hadn 't moved from the floor and the doctors and nurses were taking their time walking over to help . Nick figured they were moving about as fast as he would be moving if Alex had just been yelling at him as well . His brother had a gash on his head , very much like Jason 's gash , only Alex 's gash was a little less visible because of his longer hair . It was bleeding a lot more than Jason 's gash was bleeding . The dark trickle of blood down Alex 's face almost looked like a rogue strand of hair hanging in front of his face . " Fuck off , I 'll get myself up , " Alex pushed himself off of the ground and got to his feet , stumbling a bit as tried to find his balance . One of the doctors finally made it to where Alex was standing and started asking if he was dizzy or if his vision was blurry . Nick noticed how clean shaven every part of the doctor 's face was , even the top of his head , and how the doctor 's thick accented voice was as deep and dark as his skin tone was . Nick figured the doctor was probably from Zimbabwe , mainly because that was the only country in Africa he could name . He also thought Saint Petersburg was a country in Africa , which isn 't even a country anywhere to begin with , but instead a city in Russia . The name he was mistakenly thinking of was Johannesburg , which also isn 't a country but at least if he guessed that name he would have been in the right continent . " You bought a jacket and didn 't think to check the pockets ? " Alex asked . " Wait , you bought a jacket that had things in the pocket to begin with ? Did you buy it second hand ? I 'm really confused . " Alex was just about to ask what Nick meant by he ' didn 't exactly buy it , ' when they both heard someone screaming from the end of the hallway . Both brothers looked up and saw who was screaming . It was a man , close to their ages , but looked like he either worked in a manual labour force or simply actually took the time to go to the gym every once in a while ( none of the Exagrio boys had even stepped into a gym before ) . Upon a closer inspection , both boys realized the man was screaming at them . Alex could tell from the way the man looked at the two of them , but it took until the man quite literally pointed at Nick before he realized he was this man 's target . " You stole a … " Alex tried completing his thought before the absurdity of it all actually caught his tongue and forced him to give up . " You know what , " Alex continued . " He 's all yours , " he called down the hall to the increasingly angry man . " Whatever he gets , he deserves . " The infuriated man charge down the hallway directly at Nick . Most people would think to run or step away or try to put up some sort of fight . Nick had actually started reading the bus ticket , wondering if the man he stole the jacket from was actually from Arizona and if so we 're all Arizona residents this aggressive ? The man tackled Nick , knocking over Alex in the process , and the two men , now entangled , toppled into the waiting room , almost right to Jason 's feet . Through the tussle , the man was able to get on top of Nick and he laid in two hard punches to Nick 's face before he noticed that the man was actually off of him now , and lying on the ground next to him . He looked up to see his mother standing over both himself and the angry Arizonian . She was holding a wooden spoon . The man was holding his eye and rolling slightly on the ground . Nick pushed himself off of the ground to see both Jason and Alex already surrounding the guy . Jason had pulled off his neck brace and he had the guy 's shirt bunched up in his fist . The guy was struggling and Alex was trying to hold his arms and legs so they wouldn 't hit Jason . Nick sprang over and helped his brothers hold the guys against the wall before hospital security finally broke up the fight . The hospital coudn 't exactly kick out the Exagrio boys . After all , all three now had head injuries . They were all technically patients now . Before the boys sat back down , Nick gave back the jacket to the angry Arizonian and apologized for taking it . He decided it was best to leave the apology there and not go into stripping the guy 's dead father in the middle of the street in the middle of the day . Then Nick started laughing . " What else do you think she still carries in there . You think she still has those little candies she would give us when we behaved ? " " He 's been up and down , " she said . " Doctor won 't let him sleep more than a couple of hours , just in case . But he 's fine otherwise . Doctor keeps talking about how simple tomorrow 's surgery is going to be . I think he 'll be fine . " She reached into her purse and pulled out her bottle of headache pills . " The three of you . You 're good boys , but sometimes you give me the worst fucking headaches . " They pulled me out and all I could think about was my wife . The sweat dripping down my face burned my eyes and I could feel my sticking along my forehead . But I didn 't remember having hair . I had just shaved my head . My hairline was receding so my wife convinced me to shave it all off , saying a bald man looked better than a balding man . Her words convincing me to shave my head and the first time she helped me with the razor cleaning off what was left of my hair gripped my mind as I pushed the rogue strands of hair away from my face . Everything was a blur . Like the sun was pulled out of the sky and sitting in front of my face . A glaring light blared into my eyes and it took a few moments before I could make out any shapes . The name was ringing something in my mind . But I was also trying to hold onto the image of my wife . It was slipping . I was losing some of her features . I couldn 't remember her eye colour . " Yes , I do ! " I shouted back . " We 've been married for thirty years ! We have two kids together and a grandchild on the way ! " I didn 't have an answer . My wife 's name , my kids ' names , even the names we were considering for our first grandchild . Or was it our second ? It was all slipping . Like waking from a vivid dream and trying to remember all the small details . I was losing more and more of her every second . My eyes adjusted to the light and I focused in on the two people standing in the room with me . One man and one woman . The man was balding but let the salt and pepper hair on the sides grow out a little . I immediately thought about my hair but couldn 't remember if I let it grow out or kept it shaved . The woman was older , maybe in her 40s , but at that point I could have sworn I was in my sixties . She was holding a clipboard . I recognized them both . " His pupils are dilating properly , " she shined a bright light into my eyes . " He 's focussing as well . I think he 's finally fully out of submersion . " " That 's right , " the man said . I remembered his name . Michael Gartner . He was the salesperson who sold me the package . I looked to the woman and she busily scribbled notes on her clipboard . I remembered her name too . Doctor Vanessa Taryn . We were introduced just before I went in . She was the staff neurologist . She was there to make sure I came back to reality okay . " Okay , Coupland , " Gartner continued . " Try to stand up and walk . There is a physician here if you can 't feel your legs . That 's quite common . You 've been submerged for a while . " Three hours . That 's how much time I actually spent with her . It felt like a lifetime . Dating , living together , marriage , kids growing up , her parents dying , my parents dying . I think she got sick too . Cancer was it ? I remember sitting at the hospital with her . Holding her hand . I remember holding her and crying when the doctor told us she was better . I don 't remember what the doctor looked like . All I can pull from my memory is a white lab coat . Three hours . That 's all I actually had with her . Side effects . That 's how I was able to get this package . Virtual vacations were usually reserved for the exceptionally rich . I was far from any kind of wealth . But they offered free vacations for anyone willing to risk being an experiment . They could only improve and enhance the services with human subjects . Rats and dogs didn 't exactly react to the stimuli the same way humans did . Dr . Taryn ran through some questions with me about my life . While she spoke , I remembered filling out a questionnaire with all of the same questions . All questions about my life , where I live , who my parents were . It was all back and I could answer the questions , but some took me a while to find the answer . I had to dig through my memory , figure out what was real and what I was remembering from the vacation . A lot of it was muddling together . The more we talked , the easier it was to place what was real and what wasn 't . But there were definite moments when my real life and my virtual life became indistinguishable . Because the experiment was a success , they gave me an honorarium . It wasn 't a lot of money , but it was enough that I didn 't have to worry about hustling for a few weeks . I looked around the streets outside of Delton Rec Labs and tried to remember which way was my apartment . I remembered it was a short walk and I recognized a few of the alleys I would sell pills near . After about twenty minutes of wandering , I found my building . It was dark out and one of storefront windows in the building reflected back at me . I didn 't recognize my reflection at first , the dark hair hanging along my forehead , the stubble all around my face , even my eyes looked weird to me . I thought they were blue . But they looked more green to me in that reflection . There were a lot of cards in my wallet , but the only one I wanted was my keycard to get into the building . I sorted through the credit cards , gym membership card , buyers club cards for the grocery store and IKEA and GameStop , and I found the keycard into the building . It was behind my employee ID . I worked at Delton Rec Lab . That must have been how I heard they needed test subjects . Probably posted over the urinals at the office . This is where the confusion really hit . If I worked at Delton Rec Labs , why was I selling pills ? The answer came when I got into my apartment . They forgot to warn me about the nausea . I got through the front door and instinctively ran to the bathroom , where I didn 't even make it to the toilet before I was throwing up . Most of it got into the sink and I checked the cabinet behind the mirror to see if I had anything that would help this feeling that the room was spinning and my stomach was turning itself inside out . I found nine prescription bottles . Each one was for something different : diazepam , thorazine , fluvoxamine , trazodone , lorazepam , nizatidine , cimetidine , Percocet , and morphine . There was no way I could be taking all of these . I wondered which I was selling . After cleaning up the bathroom , I wandered around the apartment , remembering where I left everything . I didn 't have a TV , but I thought I did . Most people didn 't own TVs anymore , so I don 't know why I thought I would have had one . Maybe me in the vacation simulation had a TV . I checked out the fridge only to find bottles of beer , a Chinese food takeout box that smelled awful , and some moldy pizza . I felt like I didn 't usually let my fridge , or any part of my apartment , get this bad . Could I have been submerged a little longer than they were letting on ? My coffee table had a thick layer of dust , my closet didn 't have a lot of clothes in it , I didn 't even notice a toothbrush when I was in the bathroom . My pocket vibrated and I pulled out my phone . The call display said Sofia . I couldn 't remember if I knew anyone named Sofia . " Hello ? " I answered the phone . " The fuck ? " her voice climbed high . " Did using that virtual vacation shit fuck with your brain ? It 's Sofia . You 're fucking girlfriend , " she annunciated slowly . " Where are you ? " " What the fuck are you doing there ? " she spat out fast enough that it could have been one word . " You haven 't been there in weeks . Your stash run dry ? " " Yeah , " I played , trying to understand what was going on . It didn 't take long to surmise she meant my pill stash . I guess I just used this place to store my overstock . " Just grabbing a couple of refills . " Wandering again through the streets , I slowly pieced together which way was Sofia 's apartment . It wasn 't too far from my apartment , but the neighbourhood seemed drastically different . The Delton Rec Labs and my apartment building was in a downtown , urbanized area . There were tall buildings all around and neon lights glowing and LED screens blaring out advertisements for deodorant and tampons and condoms . But those few blocks to Sofia 's apartment was like crossing into a whole other continent . I felt unsafe and it worried me . My memories slowly recollected and I knew I had been here hundreds of times and that I slept more often here than I did at my own place . This time , though , was different . The broken out windows and boarded up doors along the buildings spray - painted with bright coloured tags looked completely foreign to me . The smell of human waste in the alleyways and sounds of snoring and groaning homeless only added to my unease . I thought that I wanted to be anywhere else in the world at that moment . Sofia 's apartment had thicker layers of dust on all her surfaces than my apartment did . There were empty bottles on the dining room table and all along the kitchen countertops . A baseball bat leaned next to the front door . A thick stench of smoke and body odour hung all around . " What took you so long ? " she said as I came in through the doorway . " That shit really fucked with your brain , didn 't it ? " she continued . " You make more money selling pills than you do working at that place . I don 't know why you don 't just quit , stop playing lab rat for those fucks , and hustle full time . It 's easy . " I immediately felt repulsed by her . It wasn 't her looks , she was pretty . Her attitude , her aura , her energy , all that new - agey bullshit I never thought I would trust is what bothered me . As more memories and moments flooded back to me , I realized I was less her boyfriend and more her supplier . I had been realizing that , even before I submerged . Maybe that 's why I volunteered . A chance to get away from all of it , even if only for three hours . " I can 't quit , " I said . " I quit , I lose my benefits , which means we lose our stash . And I don 't think either of us wants to start paying the pharmacist for these pills . Cuts into that profit margin . " She popped open a yellow bottle and popped a couple of pills and swallowed them dry . " Right , " she said after she finished swallowing . " Definitely need that . It 's too bad . We could fuck all day and hustle all night . " " The beach ? Are you fucking kidding ? " she chuckled . " There 's no beaches around here . I can 't even name where there is a single beach . Who the fuck are you ? Are you still fucking dreaming or something ? " No beaches . Somewhere in me , I could still smell the salt water in the air , feel the sun on my bare arms , hear waves running up along the shore . Had I never actually been to the beach before ? I looked outside the window and watched the neon lights flicker against the grey sky and wet concrete . These signs never turned off . All night the glow of advertisements breaking through the window , waking people up to enticement of cheap sex , bad food , and useless junk that would be collecting dust or at the bottom of a landfill in just a few days . I didn 't want any of this . I wanted the beach . My phone rang and I saw the name Gartner on the call display . " Hey , Coupland , " Gartner began . " We noticed some very interesting things on your brain scan and we 'd like you to come back for some further experiments . I know this is sudden and unexpected , but we can schedule these tests whenever works best for you . " I took another look around the apartment , at Sofia , the pills in her hands , I played with the bottle of pills still in my pocket . " How about right now ? " I asked . " Are you sure ? " Gartner replied . " I mean , this is highly irregular . Typically we need a week between submersions . But your scans are showing no long term defects or hazards , so we won 't say no so long as you 're sure . " " Completely sure , " I said , hanging up the phone . I reached into my pocket and threw Sofia my keys and the other bottle of pills . " It 's all yours , " I said . " I don 't want this anymore . " " You 're breaking up with me ? " her eyes didn 't show sadness . They showed anger . We had no emotional connection . I was her hook up . She was my physical outlet . I didn 't like that anymore . I didn 't want that . " I guess so , " the truth was , I didn 't want her finding me after this . Whatever would come after my next submersion , I wanted to make sure I didn 't go back to this life . It showed me something . I could be something else . I may have once wanted this kind of life and revelled in it , but something awoke and I knew I needed to find something else . I took a brief physical before sitting back into the chair . The same medical monitoring devices were hooked up to me . I thought that maybe the last time I did this , I would have been nervous . But this time , I was relaxed . I was excited . I was happy . Gartner smiled . " I was hoping you would ask that , " he said . " There was no program in your submersion . We didn 't simulate or implant anything . That 's what the real experiment was . We wanted to see what would happen if we stimulated your own mind to create what should have been your vacation . In your case , from what it sounded like , you created a whole new life for yourself . That was especially interesting to us . We had never seen that before . Everything you experienced was from your own mind . " I open my eyes and we 're lying on a beach . The warm sand under my back and scrunched between my toes tells me it 's morning . We fell asleep here . I sit up and watch the water for a moment . Its calm and the waves are slow . The smell of salt water fills the warm air and the sun is beaming down on us . Her eyebrow raises and she chuckles . " What 's that supposed to mean ? You think you 're dreaming ? Or I 'm a figment of your imagination ? " I lie back down and she rests beside me . Her head nestles in her favourite spot , right where my arm meets my shoulder . " Reassure me this isn 't a dream , " I say . " What 's your name ? " She sits up and looks at me . " What ? " she 's smiling . It 's like she never isn 't smiling and I never want her to stop smiling . " You are so weird sometimes . " " Will that be French - press or drip ? " the son of god asked . I almost forgot my order . Not because I was standing in front of the second coming of the messiah . But because I could see crumbs in his beard . He was eating a scone as my wife and I walked in the cafe . " Uh , drip , " I answer . " And I need a cappuccino as well . " My wife was sitting at the table . It was hard to find a seat at this cafe . Not because Jesus himself was making the coffee . But because it was in a trendy part of town , the only cafe that served fair - trade coffee , and offered almond milk as a cream substitute . " You got it , " he smiled , punching in my order . As he told me my total , I noticed the praying hands tattoo on the side of his neck . Most of his tattoos were bad , but I thought that one was too ironically self - referential . The image of Christ from church growing up popped into my head as I carried the coffees to the table . Every painting and dramatic re - enactment always had a pasty - white , blue - eyed , and sometimes blonde guy . But as I looked back to the man who just made my coffee , I realized how wrong those images were . " Oh , how funny , " my wife chuckled as I handed her the cappuccino . I looked into her cup and saw our holy barista drew an Our Lady of Guadalupe in the foam . I was always impressed when the other baristas drew flowers in the foam . There was even one who could draw a sailboat . I had seen images of the virgin Mary in cups of coffee on click - bait articles my evangelical aunt shared on Facebook . This was the first time I had seen an intentional virgin Mary in a cup of coffee . " You know what I mean , " I blushed a little . " Like , he thinks he 's so cool and wants everyone to pay attention to him . But he works in a coffee shop . If he 's so great , why isn 't he off saving the world ? " My wife took a long sip of her cappuccino . " Yeah , but his coffee is nothing short of divine . The baristas here are good . But no one makes a cup of coffee like Jesus does . " He patted the old red brick wall , as if someone on the other side might hear and open a secret door that no one else can see . " I swear , it was right here , " Garrison said as he stepped back and looked all around at the aged building , looking like he 's taking stock of every brick . " There was a door here , and it opened to a stairwell . There were maybe a dozen steps and at the bottom of those stairs , that 's where it was . " Garrison looked back to my girlfriend . He rubbed the stubble on his face and used his hand to comb back his dark , greasy hair that grew long enough to cover most of his forehead . " Little person ? " he questioned . " You 're thinking of Santa 's elves . Elves are actually tall and slender . " " You mean Tolkien elves , " I interjected . Garrison and I both loved The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings . We met in an English lit class and we worked on a group project studying the Tolkien mythology in the context of the 1960s . Through that project , I got the sense that he liked Tolkien a lot more than I did . And maybe took it a bit too seriously . " Remember , there 's plenty of European mythology with elves who were tiny . " " Yeah , I know ! " Garrison barked . " But I 'm not talking about those elves . I 'm talking about sharp blue eyes , pale skin , and pointed ears . " " Okay , so you think you saw Elrond at a pub last night , " I continued . The building we were standing in front of was maybe four stories tall and quite old . I couldn 't tell quite how old , but all the buildings around Camden looked like they might have started pretty old but had some work done for the tourists . There were plenty of pubs around Camden , so it didn 't surprise any of us when Garrison told us we had to find this one cool spot he visited the night before . But when he dragged me and Tillie into the alleyway where he swore the door to the pub was , I had to question how much he drank last night . It had been a long time since Garrison met a girl he liked . Tillie and I were starting to think maybe he was asexual . We met plenty of people while at Camden University who came out as gay , bisexual , and asexual . It was never a big deal to any of us and Garrison always seemed quite curious about these other orientations . Maybe it was just to explore his options . University was tough on him . It should have been the best , party - fuelled years of his life . Instead , he spent most of the parties drunkenly embarrassing himself trying to talk with pretty well any girl who hadn 't already rejected him . Being his flatmate wasn 't easy through those years . There were a few times I was certain he killed himself in the bathroom . He would lock himself in all night throwing up whatever he drank and smoked and dropped and snorted . No substance was off limits for Garrison and I was certain his heart would give out at any time . When he tried telling us he met an elf at a basement pub in the Camden party district , I thought his mind gave out before his heart did . " Okay , let 's say this pub exists , " Tillie began in her completely wonderful rational sort of way . She was good at talking to Garrison , especially while he was on edge . I always told her she missed her calling as a social worker . But I also knew she was living her passion designing the kinds of buildings that give cities their skyline shape . " We should retrace your steps , make sure this is actually where you found the door . " Garrison pointed to the falafel takeout counter . We walked out of the alleyway and jogged across the street to the closed eatery . Tillie pressed her face against the glass door to look inside . I stared up at the grey sky . It was another cloudy day . I missed the regular sun this time of year back home in the Okanagan . Garrison and I both moved back after we finished our degrees at Camden , the same degrees we could have got at UBC , but decided we wanted to add a worldly adventure to our formal education . That 's where I met Tillie and she moved back to Canada with me , though we made regularly pilgrimages across the pond to visit her family and stop in at our old favourite watering holes . Garrison reached into his khaki pockets and then into his windbreaker 's pockets . He pulled out a single , small piece of paper and looked down at it . " I think this is it , " he said . " I paid cash , so all I have is a till receipt showing I paid six pounds . No time or address . " " The register inside does look old , " Tillie said . She looked down either side of the block . " And you 're sure you had to go through an alleyway to get to this pub ? " " Absolutely , " he answered . " Maybe I just can 't see it because it 's daylight . I need to come back at night to find this place . " Tillie wrapped her blue cardigan tighter to herself as a cold wind blew by . She kicked some of the street water off of her brown boots and looked over to me . " Shall we pub crawl tonight ? " It was after dark when we finally left the hotel to retrace Garrison 's steps . He hung out in our hotel room the whole time and even ordered room service for us all . Despite having his own room just next door , he didn 't want to leave us . I guess he didn 't want to be alone . Garrison was taking long swigs from his mickey of whisky as he marched us to his first stop from the night before . As we moved through the night before 's stops , Garrison started blending more with the young college crowd roaming the streets . His walk turned to a shuffle and a stumble . His words made less sense and he needed to repeat everything at least twice . I hadn 't taken a single drink that whole night . I grew past that , started to find it boring and pointless . Garrison was still right in it . This discrepancy between us didn 't dawn on me until we walked through those streets together . " I don 't fucking get it , " Garrison mumbled , staring again at the blank brick wall . " It was here . We walked exactly what I walked last night . I retraced all of my steps . The fucking shawarma place is even open . Where the fuck did it go ? " " Maybe it 's time we accepted that the pub doesn 't exist , " I said . " Maybe you stumbled into somewhere else and you don 't remember . I don 't doubt that you met someone last night - " " Yes you do ! " Garrison shoved me . " You do fucking doubt it . You doubt everything with me . I don 't even know why you hang out with me still . Why you bring me on these fucking trips , just to rub in my face you have someone else now you get to travel and do cool shit with . And I have fucking no one . I 'm not your fucking charity case ! I don 't need you to bring me along to shit because you feel sorry for me ! " " You don 't need to say it , " he spat back . " Everything about you says that . Well fuck you ! I don 't need it . I 'll find this fucking place on my own ! " Garrison walked off . A light drizzle came down and I could feel water dripping through my hair and down my forehead . Tillie hugged me and said , " Why don 't you head back . I 'll keep an eye on him . He didn 't mean what he said . He just needs to blow off some steam . " " He doesn 't want you around , " she stressed . " You know I can talk to him better than anyone else . He 'll open up to me . I 'll get him to calm down , we 'll come back to the hotel , crash , and find some breakfast in the morning and it will be like nothing has changed . " " Because , " she looked up at me . " Because despite all your flaws , you 're a good person with a good heart . And I get to see that every time you 're with Garrison . He 's your best friend . And you need him , and he needs you , just like I need you . I 'm going to talk him down over a pint and in the morning , things will be fine . I promise . " The daylight through the window woke me and I saw Tillie sitting on a chair , staring out the window . It was the first bit of sunshine we had seen since we landed and she watched it the way I 've seen old people sit by the lake and watch the waves crash in and out . She looked to me and smiled . " What is it ? " I sat back down on the bed , worried something terrible happened to her or to Garrison . " What happened ? Is everyone ok ? " She told me how talking over a single pint suddenly turned into talking over many pints and shots . She couldn 't even remember which pub they were at , but they fell out and decided to try and find the door one last time . And there it was . Exactly where Garrison said it was . Just like Garrison 's story , there was a stairwell , maybe a dozen stairs , and a basement bar . Tillie went on about all the strange people at this bar and how she had never seen any people who looked like that before . She described small men with large hairy feet , hooded figures with bows and quivers of arrows strapped to their backs , armoured men with swords hilted at their sides , and beautiful pale people who were tall , thin , and had pointed ears . I started to assume that she had even more to drink last night than she had let on and maybe even someone slipped something into her drink . But she insisted she saw all of these things , ripped right from the books Garrison and I studied in university and Garrison continued to obsess over after we finished school . She even said she saw the elf girl . Tillie 's account was that Garrison had wandered off once they were in the pub and as she stumbled around for a bit trying to catch up , she finally found him in the corner of the bar , talking to the beautiful woman . But not just casually talking , but instantly talking passionately with her . Like they had been talking for hours by the time Tillie found them . He was leaning in , his hands on the table illustrating a story . She had her hand on her check , and she was giggling and mesmerized by every one of Garrison 's words . Tillie had never seen Garrison talk to anyone like that before , let alone a woman who he was obviously drawn to . " When I was ready to leave , I asked him what he wanted to do , " Tillie explained . " He smiled and he said he was going to stay a while . I 'd never seen him smile like that before . I think he was actually truly happy . " He didn 't come back to the hotel . He didn 't make it to the flight back to the Okanagan . He wasn 't there when I proposed to Tillie or on our wedding day . He was gone . My best friend was gone and for a while , it bothered me . Tillie was right , I did need him . But as time wore on , I realized that despite needing him , I would be ok . I had my memories with him . I could always recount a story of one of our drunken nights together running around the streets of Camden . I thought I was being a bad friend at first by leaving him behind . But , the way Tillie told the story , leaving him behind was the best thing I could have done . What he found in that pub made him truly happy and there was nothing more in the world that I ever could have wanted for my friend Garrison . |
I learned I won 't be teaching the 5 - 6 year olds in Primary , but will be teaching the 4 - 5 year olds ! Now , I 'll have 6 in my class instead of 4 . It 'll be another " 1st " tomorrow in teaching the young kids . I 'll have name tags again . I know about3 - 4 of the kids names and will learn the others tomorrow . I already know that one little girl isn 't used to coming to church and doesn 't know how to sit still very long . I might not want to sit still very long either ! I hate 1st times . I want to know what 's going to be going on before it happens . Slow day today . I made one card and cut four packs of new paper into card size and then folded three of the packs into cards . That took about an hour and I going to go get the mail now . Dad 's been doing his pills and hooping and hollowering with the birds . No wonder people in our family go crazy ! I 'm putting my name back on the list to go to the " home " any day now . I had a Dr . appointment in H ' ville so Trudy met me at the Drs . office and picked Forrest up . We had such a good time with him here . Last Sunday was the first time I taught my Primary Class . I have the 5 - 6 year olds . It was an eye opener ! Children are very different than they were years ago . They are more lively than I ever remember . I think I was in shock during and after my class ! One little boy is hyper X 's three . I had the lesson well prepared and didn 't use my book but I still ran out of time . Trudy brought me over some Friend magazines and I will be prepared to read them stories after my lesson is over . I have a review game to play Sun . and some activity games for them and I will review the lesson from last week . Hopefully , that will take some of the time up . I have the 4 children for 50 minutes . We might walk around the church building again this week if I have too much time left over . I have never taught such young children before . I can love them and always be there to teach them , but only the Spirit can teach these little ones . I 'll spend most of tomorrow and Sat . learning my lesson and tying up loose ends . I hope it gets easier as I go along , ' cause it 's a bit nerve wracking now ! Tonight is the second night Forrest has been with us ! What fun just having him around . He said he 's had fun time - a diplomat at such a young age ! Maybe we 're not too bad for a couple of old folks . I went Visiting Teaching today . It was cloudy and I felt like the day . It was good to see everyone . We have 5 sisters and Pauline said we have a large route . Everyone is active and I enjoy visiting all . Forrest helped Grampie vacuum and mop the floors ( for money ) . He would have done it for free , but we don 't want him to think we just wait for him to come over to be our slave . . . He , he ! The Primary president and her 1st counselor paid me a visit today since I am a new teacher in Primary . I have the 5 - 6 year olds . I have never taught in a classroom situation before . All my years in Primary were as the music director or pianist . This is a new job for me and the first Sun . was an eye - opener ! I always preferred older children but I do love the little ones and maybe that 's one of the reasons I 'm there . I have one little boy that is hyper , hyper , hyper ! ! ! But the good thing is that I only have 4 kids in the class . I wonder what I am to learn being the teacher ? Today Trudy and a luncheon to go to and the kids got to come over here . We went to Wal - Mart to get some groceries because young folk don 't eat like old folk ! I got Sadie a toy she likes and Forrest just wanted some candy . It was raining all the while we were in the store . In fact it rained all day . We got over 4 " of rain . Perhaps we won 't have a dry season again this summer . After Trudy came back she spent a little while here then she and Sadie left and Forrest is spending the night with us . He 's a lot of fun and we love having him . He loves the computer and he and Grampie have been playing computer games and I know he loves to beat Grampie ! Kids are so fast with their reflexes and minds and we are so slow ! Went to the cancer meeting tonight . There was a lady that had had reconstruction and talked about it . There were 5 other ladies there and I hope we allowed her enough time to talk about her problems . We had a very quiet day . I guess I was tired from Sun . because I went back to bed and slept until 12 : 15 PM . I felt good and was glad . Dad is having a series of bad days even on the " good " days . The Wellness Ctr . was closed today . Tomorrow I need to go and do some exercise on the machines . About 5 minutes on any machine should do me in ! Just remembered Trudy and the kids will be over tomorrow so the machines will have to wait for my un - used body ! Trudy is bringing Forrest over tomorrow . He wanted to spend the night with us . It 'll be fun to have him . Hopefully , Grampie will feel well enough to play any games Forrest might want to play on the X Box . Maybe Forrest will bring some of his games over with him I tried to get another picture up but I must have been too tired to to it . Trudy and George and Forrest and Sadie came over for a belated mother 's day dinner . It was good to see them . Forrest is taller than everyone except his dad and Sadie is developing into a beautiful young teen . I really too tired to finish this tonight so I 'll go to bed now l Hasta Manyana ( can 't even spell that so good night ! This Iris is gone but the picture is still here ! It was I who made the mistake last night in trying to get a picture on the blog . I realized it today and followed the instructions and got a picture . Had a nice card making party today . We made 4 cards . I sort of wimped out on the last card . I have to stand because the table is so high . If I sit , I can 't judge whether I 'm gluing the parts of the card on straight or not . After standing for 1 1 / 2 hrs . and not having a snack ( I 'll bring one next time . . . ) I was not able to finish all the different steps of the card . I used one of the cut outs Mary had already done and was able to finish the card that way . I got home about 12 : 30 PM . I broke one of my personal rules today . I drank a Pepsi in order to try and get a mood lift . If nothing happens then I 'll repent . It 's hard to wait out a low mood . That 's like the nurse saying , " breathe deeply , Mrs . Layton , " when I was in extreme pain when I woke up while having a colonoscopy ! I 'd have liked to have shown the nurse how to " breathe deeply " with a 2x4 ! I tried to add a picture to my blog but no go . I was following Trudy 's directions , but some step was left out , on the computer 's side , that is . Oh , well . Maybe another day . I appreciate your concern about my health Mary Kate , but don 't let it get you down . I felt better today , but I swear , this day had 48 hrs . in it ! I washed 3 loads , folded and put it all away . Ran the dishwasher ( whew ! what a hard job . . . ) I was going to town to Good Will to get a pair of old shorts so I could cut a hole in a pocket ( to go with my Primary lesson ) but there was a yard sale at the top on my road and I got a pair of shorts for a quarter and didn 't have to go to town . Time just dragged by . I even asked dad if there were any old bills I could file ( you know I was desperate if I wanted to do that ! ) . But my mind felt good , so I 'm just complaining . I just don 't have enough things to do with my time . If I was making cards , that would fill in but I haven 't been in the mood to make cards . I 'm afraid I 'm loosing interest in doing it . Maybe not , just taking a long break from it . Tomorrow I 'm going to our Stampin ' Up ! card making class at the Blackburn community center . Mary Rager called and said it might just be her and Judy and me . That 's okay . I like small classes . Maybe it 'll make me want to make cards again . Mary Kate , I took your quiz . It wasn 't hard . Only three questions . I could remember them without writing them down ! Did the one about the science research surprise you ? Trudy , call me about this Sunday 's meal . I called Dr . Sharp today because I was so miserable . He said I could go up to 10 mg on the Abilify . Unknown to myself , I had been taking 12 1 / 2 mg . already ! I had some 2 mg tabs which I had divided and was taking 5 mg . When the new Rx came in , I just continued adding 2 1 / 2 tabs like before but the new tabs were 5 mg instead of the 2 mg ! I 've had no side effects so I guess it was alright . I see Dr . Sharp in a couple of weeks so I guess I 'll just resign myself to whatever mood I have and try not to complain . The not complaining part is the hard part ! Not really , I hate feeling at the end of my rope all the time . I went to Wat - mart today and got a large tote bag to put all of my Primary stuff in . I bought some chalk and some crayons and some name tags . Mary Kate helped my learn how to print off color pages from LDS . org . With some more review of my lesson , I think I will be ready . I 'm not going to use the lesson manual , just the note cards I have prepared . Karen thinks I have the young class and they will be lively and will need my constant eye and attention . I 'm anxious and excited too . The name tags will help since I don 't know who all is in my class . Hopefully , my brain has begun to come out of retirement and I will be up to the task ! I took the car by Big 10 to get a leak fixed and I was cold sitting in the waiting room . Turns out there wasn 't a leak but the tires got rotated and balanced . It wasn 't real hot out today but I did run the car air conditioning . This evening before dark , it was very pleasant outside . Too bad we don 't enjoy the out of doors . I still don 't know for sure whether to take a light jacket when I go out or not . It seems hot enough to go without , but then I have to sit in a place and freeze ! Sometimes there 's just no creativity in coming up with a title . I was tired this morning after the H ' ville trip so I didn 't exercise . Karen came over and we cut out some more of her figures and stories for her daughter 's quiet book . She left at 3 : 00PM to be home for Stacey . Stacey graduated from tech school yesterday . She plans to go to Calhoun for 2 years and then transfer to Auburn to continue studying to be a vet . She had a lot of school to go to , about 8 years , I believe . Nothing much happening today . We left the house at 12 : 00 PM to go to H ' ville for dad 's Dr . apt . We were 15 minutes early but didn 't have to wait long . Then we went by the shoe store and dad ordered a pair of shoes . Then on the way home , he called the store and said that he needed to have his foot measured . He thought he needed a size 12 , but his foot measures an 11 1 / 2 . Maybe we 'll drive back up next week so he can get his shoes sooner . We stopped to get gas ( I like to keep a full tank and fill up when it 's down to 1 / 2 a tank ) and the sign said , $ 3 . 49 but the pump had $ 3 . 45 and that 's what we paid ! We 've enjoyed watching the outside birds gobble up the seed we put out . Then one day , I saw a squirrel sitting in the bird feeder doing his own gobbling ! I now put no seed in that feeder but do sprinkle seeds on the ground . The squirrels don 't mind eating off the floor . It 's fun to see what pigs the little birds are . In this case , pigs do fly ! I went to exercise class today . My body was saying " no ! " the entire time but I was there and had to move , which was good . I could have this same class 4 - 5 times a week if I wanted to travel to the East Limestone annex . Maybe someday . It 's making up my mind that 's the hard thing . After class , I went to Wal - mart to buy a few groceries . Then , I went to the nail place and had my acrylic nails taken off . It wasn 't too painful , but he did take a big chunk of flesh out of my left thumb ! He used a long nail to get up under the acrylic part and dragged it along until the acrylic popped off . I have ugly , weak little nubs now . I like it , though . I was tired of the up keep of the nails . Maybe someday I might get them again , maybe not ! Frank had fevers last night , so doesn 't feel too well . We go to H ' ville tomorrow for a Dr . appointment and we 're going to stop by a special shoe store and see if dad can get some comfortable shoes . His arthritis has caused all the fat pads on the bottom of his feet to disappear and it 's painful for him to walk or stand . He 's ordered numerous pair of shoes from Mason 's mail order shoe Co . , but somethings always wrong with them and we have to send them back . You just about have to try on shoes to see if they fit before you buy . I was called to be Primary Worker today at church . Was released as Relief Society pianist and will teach my first Primary lesson to 4 - 7 year olds next Sunday . CTR - Choose The Right . Sis . Cathy Bradley will be in the class as my helper . It seems like two of the children like to slide on the tables . I wonder if I 'm too old for this kind of challenge . When Bishop Falconbury was giving me a blessing , I wanted to listen carefully but this little cherub of a little girl came up and put her head in my lap and started playing with my fingers ! I opened my eyes and was so charmed by her presence , I didn 't listen to the blessing ! I gave her a kiss when I got up . Maybe that was a sign that I 'm where I should be ! I 've always loved working in Primary , so I 'm back again . Rel . Soc . was rather boring to me anyway . Now I get to teach little kids that rather be swinging from the rafters ! ! Actually , I would too , but I can 't get up there . Bill and Lynn White 's address is : 461 Yellow Creek Rd , Louisville , MS 39339 , if you want to send a card . Might tell them that you are cousins , otherwise they might not know who you are . Uncle Bubba called and said the funeral or the situation there went from worse to bad . Bill says he knows Grace is gone , but expects her to come running around the house calling , " daddy , daddy ! " How can they ever get over this ? If you send a card , be cool in what you say . In a couple of months , I 'll send them a Together Forever video . They don 't need anything else now . I feed the animals at 10 : 00 AM and at 2 : 00 PM I played the piano for an adult baptism . That 's pretty much all I have done today . I wish I had the energy to do something in the yard . I guess it 's energy I 'm looking for . Today was prednisone day for dad , but now he 's in the living room cleaning the bird cages and chirping with the birds , so he 's feeling better . I put Gert back in his cage today . We were to wait until Mon . but I felt like he was ready today . I got him on my finger but grabbed him by his tail also so he wouldn 't be able to fall . He was squawking and flapping his wings but it was just 2 seconds and he was on his perch . He left 4 tail feathers in my hand ! It will probably be a day or two until he gets used to his cage again . The big container he was in is now downstairs in the basement . I couldn 't say " busy day " because I knew I already had that one . I was tired this morning so I went back to bed . Got up at 10 : 00 AM and had to get dressed to go to town to go to the bank and the pharmacy . After I got home , I had to feed dad and then go feed the animals and then I left to go to H ' ville to meet Trudy and go on the base . We met George at the visitors center and got Trudy 's friend , Cay , signed in so she could go on the base and then we went to the commissary . They were having a case sale of veggies , fruit , etc . The cases had $ 1 . 00 = 1 . 50 off coupons and the prices were pretty good , plus there was no tax charged on the groceries . It took quite a while and after we paid for that the girls wanted to go into the commissary to buy some more stuff . I was tired and hungry and didn 't want to buy any more , so George and I sat on a bench and waited for Trudy and Cay . I couldn 't go on home because they needed my card to buy the groceries . I bought some red grapes and I snacked on them and kept my energy from sagging too much . Finally , everyone was finished and I could go home . After the drive home , I had to unload the groceries . Whew ! I had one busy day . I should have said " grey " day . It 's been overcast and raining on and off all day . I got dressed up to go V . T . and got to Sis . Laytham 's house only to find that Pauline wasn 't coming . Her mother - in - law is very ill and probably won 't live . I visited with Jan and Ginger ( my visiting teachers ) and we are going to count it as a visit to me . I didn 't feel like visiting the two other sisters , so I stopped by Radio Shack and got something for Frank to connect to his Ham radio . I guess I was still bothered by Grace 's death plus it was such a bum day . I was going to lean on Pauline for strength but she wasn 't there . I came home and took a nap . Getting up or waking up at 3 : 30 AM is the pits . I put together one card that I had already cut out but didn 't try to make any new ones . Tomorrow Trudy is taking off school to go to Sadie 's class day . Then we are going to meet somewhere and go to the base to shop at the commissary . Trudy can get in on my card , but I have to pay for everything . Should be an interesting trip . Global Warming is a big lie ! It 's a political Scam ! Don 't believe it ! God is in control of what happens to our planet and I don 't think He 's asked anyone in Washington for their opinion on what 's going on . How prideful to think that man can have any control on what the temperature on earth is going to be . Every ten years or so , someone on the news says that there 's been a population explosion and that we 're running out of space for all the people and we will run out of food and water and etc . If I were going to make an earth for my children to live on , I 'd be sure to make all the things they would need to live there . They wouldn 't be running out of anything . Now , I 'll dust off my soap box and put it away until next time . . . ( I 've been watching too much T . V . ) . We left home at 9 : 00 AM and went to the base to get my card up - dated . Frank 's never expires because he was in the Navy . Mine is good for 4 yrs . We even got a decal . What it allows me to do , I don 't know yet . Trudy wants to go to the commissary Friday . I 'm so tired from today , I hate to think of going again ! After the base , we went to the Pain Clinic and got dad 's prescriptions and then to Dr . Phillips for a visit . We ate at Wendy 's , or we ate Wendy 's hamburgers in the car and then stopped be GiggaBites on the way home . Then we went by the pharmacy , and then down to the barn to feed Danny Boy and the two cats and finally home ! It 's taken several hours to relax . This morning my sister - in - law , Ruth called to tell me my nephew 's 5 yr . old daughter died . They were getting ready to drive to Louisville , MS to be with the family . They , my nephew 's family , were in the emergency room when she passed away . They took an x - ray and found that her heart was enlarged . Lynn , the mother , has her parents who live near by and lots of other relatives . My nephew , Bill , has his dad , my brother , and sister - in - law , a brother , Jim , and his wife , and a sister Kate . I don 't believe I 'll be able to make it to the funeral . The funeral was to be Fri . , but there 's only one funeral home in town and they already had two funerals for Fri . , so they are having it Sat . at 10 : 00 AM . Ruth said I wouldn 't get to see my nephew much , with all the family there , and I decided not to go . Maybe I will see Bill and Lynn and Will when they come to see my brother . The two children were named , Will and Grace , and now Grace is gone . What a hole that will leave in that family . I must have felt too good Monday for exercise class and over did it . I was tired all day today . We didn 't go to the base today , it 's tomorrow ! I can 't get the calendar thing straight . Maryleen is going somewhere and I 'll be feeding the horse and cats for a week . I 'll just feed them once a day so that won 't be too bad . I stamped nine Sassy Susie stamps , colored them and cut them out . Next , I 'll find cards to match and decorations to match the Sassy Susie stamp . I don 't feel the need to stamp and make cards like I did . It 's good to know the materials are there when I want to do it . Trudy is having a Stampin ' Up ! party this Sat . I 'll try to go . I like the water color pencils and blender pens I got . I can use the chalk pastels with the blender pens too . I love to go the parties . Maybe it 's because I like to buy ! ! I woke up at 4 : 00 AM but didn 't get up until 5 : 00 AM . There 's a good talk show on from 5 : 00 ' til I don 't know when . It has such a good spirit about it and then at 6 : 00 AM the local guy comes on and the nice spirit leaves . The local guy is okay but he 's a bit negative , I think . The exercise class was good . I took an afternoon nap to make up for getting up so early . I made some V . T . appointments for Thursday and need to call one more sister tomorrow and see if we can come visit her . Tomorrow , dad and I will go to the base to get my or our government cards renewed and after that , he has a Dr . appointment with Dr . Phillips . It will be a long day for him but I know he must like to get out of the house sometimes even though he hurts more afterwards . Sorry about all the mess in your house , Mary Kate . Poor Cricket . When dogs get old , sometimes they loose control of their faculties . The house should smell better since the rug is gone . Now , you have some hard work ahead of you , doing the painting and the floors . Dad and I have done our share of things like that . Trudy and George will be doing some work on their house soon . It 's good to be young ! Recipe for self - rising flour when all you have is all purpose flour . Take 1 cup of all purpose flour and add 1 1 / 2 teaspoons of baking powder and 1 / 2 teaspoon of table salt . Some recipes can use self - rising flour if you don 't have all purpose flour , just don 't add the salt and baking powder . The first time I ever made a loaf of homemade white bread , I used self - rising flour and then added the salt and baking powder ! It was a beautiful loaf of bread , but it was too salty to eat ! Our woods used to be all grown up . You couldn 't see into them like now . Our neighbors , Bobby and Brenda Adams cleared it out for us . Bobby has a tractor and the knowledge to use it and Brenda used the loppers to clean up the small stuff . The woods look great now . It 's nice to have such good neighbors ! I think I 've got this posting pictures down pat now . Yeah ! ! ! What is this ? ! ! It is certainly a cry for help ! It really needs to be cleaned up , but I don 't know if I 'm brave enough to tackle it . I could drag all of the small stuff out on the lawn , sort it all , clean up the floor and put it all back in neatly and orderly . . . . . . Nag - g - g - g - g - g ! No , really . I could plan to do it before the weather got too hot . It really needs doing ( see how I 'm trying to talk myself into doing it ! ) . I don 't know . I was busy last night ( Sat . ) and when I sat down to blog at 10 : 00 PM a storm blew in and the thunder started to roll , so I shut the computer down . Trudy and Sadie had been over and I don 't remember what else I was busy doing . I went to the party at the Decker 's house and had a good time . The weather was good and the mosquitoes didn 't bother me . Bro . Decker grilled hamburgers and brats and every one brought a dish to share . I had cooked spaghetti and meat balls for Trudy and the gang , but they didn 't eat it and the spaghetti didn 't have enough sauce so I sent it home with Trudy . Anyway , spaghetti at a cook out would have been out of place . I took some cookies which were pretty sad next to the homemade desserts that were there ! I 've forgotten how to cook , unless its beans ! Tomorrow dad and I will go to H ' ville to the Army base to get my pass renewed so I can shop at the commissary . I hope it will be a good trip for dad . I 'll have my exercise class to go to at 9 : 15 Am and we 'll probably go after lunch . Don 't know though . I had a good Mother 's Day . Trudy got me a pretty necklace , Mary Kate sent me a funny e - card and Frankie just called me to wish me a happy Mother 's Day . What more could a mother ask for but to hear from her children ! Trudy and Sadie came over today and brought me this beautiful present for Mother 's Day ! It took a while to work on the computer to figure out how to uploaded the pictures to be able to post the picture on the blog . Trudy wrote the instructions down so hopefully I 'll be able to duplicate them and be able to post more pictures . Aren 't the pansies pretty ? Well , they are artificial ! Did I trick you ? Ha - ha ! Aren 't these flowers pretty ? Yes , the are real dasies . This is definitely a real Iris . Now these are real spring flowers ! I need to dig them up and move them to a place where I can see them . They are in a place on the side of the house where they can 't be seen by anyone but the neighbors ! How do you like my spring flowers ? Do you recognize them ? Yes , they are dandelions ! The day I was taking pictures of the other flowers in the yard I saw them and they were so pretty I thought I would include them in the flower pictures I took . Already had a " Friday Again " . The weeks are flying by , whish - h - h - h ! My mood is lifted so I feel good all day . My Stampin ' Up ! goodies came in today . I 'll have fun learning how to use the watercolor pencils . I 've got all the colors of card stock now so maybe now my cards will look better . The new stamps will be fun to use , too . The party at the Decker 's is Sat . night . Good thing I called today to see what time it was ! Trudy and Sadie are coming over Sat . morning . They didn 't get to spend the night tonight because Forrest wasn 't feeling well and it was going to be a big rush to get the kids over here and then get to the temple for the 8 : 00 PM session . We can eat the food I fixed for tonight , tomorrow . I didn 't get to go make cards with Sandy because of the stormy weather we were having . It was a slow moving storm and it was producing tornadoes . We got 1 1 / 8th inch of rain . It rained really hard and the wind blew but the worst of the storm missed us . I went to Relief Society tonight . I attended a class Krista Brown taught about cleaning products . She has her own business cleaning houses . She used to work for a company that did that , but then she went out on her own . There was only one other sister in the class . She was a young mother and I was an old granny and it was fun ! Can 't say I 'll clean my house any better , but I never know . Maybe I 'll chase those dust bunnies harder now ! Our dust bunnies have character . We 're almost to the point of naming them ! I 've been invited to the High Priest 's party at the Decker 's house tomorrow night ( Fri ) . I believe I 'll go for a little while . It will be good for me to get out of the house . Trudy only has 11 days of work left ! I can imagine the great feeling she 'll have on the last day ! Mary Kate 's new addition is almost finished . It is adding a lot of extra square feet to their house . I know they are very happy about it . After dad and I go the happy hunting grounds , the first thing my children need to do is to DE - CLUTTER this house . It will be a different house minus the extra things we have added over the years ! If dad goes first , all the clutter in his room will be gone fast ! If I go first , who cares ! Ha - ha ! The only thing I want to take with me is Belle 's ashes . I 'm tired tonight . Didn 't go to exercise class today because I was tired from Tuesday 's drive to H ' ville . Tuesday , I was tired from the exercise class and it all caught up with me . Karen and I went to Lowes and looked around . I thought I wanted a shrub but it would be better to plant one in the fall instead of the Spring . I won 't have to water it as much and one planted in the fall will have time to establish a good root system and will be ready to begin growing well next spring . I bought a 25 ' garden hose and a bag of bird seed . My mood has been better and perhaps I 'm on my way up . Tomorrow , after lunch , I 'm going to Sandy Herwig 's house to make cards . She lives off of East Limestone Rd . I hope I won 't get lost trying to find her house ! I 've been taking pictures of the flowers outside , Trudy , and hope I can learn how to put them on the blog . Looking forward to seeing Forrest and Sadie ! I was awake at 4 : 00 AM but didn 't get up until 6 : 00 AM . I guess as one gets older , the need for sleep is less , and of course I 'm usually asleep by 10 : 00PM ! I read my scriptures and after breakfast I did climb back in bed for about an hour . We left for H ' ville around 12 : 45 PM and stopped at Target to return a package dad had bought on line . It was neat how we could return the package at the store when we hadn 't bought it there . Dad hadn 't been in Target and he was so surprised at the number of cash registers he saw all in a line ! After seeing the Dr . , dad decided he could live with his problem instead of having an operation . I don 't think he could survive and operation like that . We drove straight home after the Dr . visit . The trip was bad on dad 's spine and he 's running a low grade fever now . He 'll probably feel really bad tomorrow morning . I have exercise class tomorrow morning and then will get together with Karen , I hope for a little R & R ! I 'm a slow learner . It 's still a bit cool outside and it 's way cool at the Wellness Ctr . yet I go bopping of in short sleeves and knee pants ! I saw another lady that had a shirt with elbow length sleeves in it and that 's what I 'll wear next time I go . If I get too warm , I can always take it off . My body didn 't want to exercise but it did feel better after it was all over ! I had a package to take to the P . O . and then I went to get my nails done . I 'm thinking about having them taken off , but than again I don 't want to do it . Who knows ( The Shadow Knows . . . ) I made 4 cards tonight and then Mary Kate called and wanted to know if I had a " cow " stamp . I did , in a set of stamps Trudy gave me . Mary Kate had two friends who had helped her get her spinning routine ready for testing and one of the songs was about a cow or something . So , I kept on making cards . I made one and was on the second one and noticed I might be getting low on adhesive and forgot to adhere one of the parts of the card on . They ( cards ) were to be identical , but I got too busy thinking about the adhesive , and forgot to put one of the pieces on the card . Oh well , if I hadn 't have told , no one would have known ! Tomorrow , I have to take dad to H ' ville to a Dr . appointment . That will be the adventure for the day . Gert has been in his container for 23 days now . I sure hope his leg is healing well . After 30 days , I 'll take him back to the vet . Hopefully by then , he 'll be able to go back into his cage . What an ordeal for the both of us ! Today was Fast and Testimony day . It was a good meeting as were Sunday School and Relief Society . It 's still chilly enough to wear a sweater especially since the wind was blowing and at church there are certain rooms are cooler than others . I used two of my new stamps tonight . One looks like a dandelion bloom . I stamped it in black and put some glitter in the bloom which makes it sparkle . I didn 't put the card together because I 'm waiting for the ticket punch which will make the corners look better than just right angle cuts . My other stamp is of cattails . I stamped it in dark brown on light beige paper . I 'll put it together with two different colors of paper . Again , I 'll wait on the ticket punch to do the corners . Ha - ha ! It 's okay to have another happy day . . . Trudy , Sadie , my 11 yr . old granddaughter , and I met at Hobby Lobby today and made a half day of shopping . We went to Hobby Lobby ( of course ) , to the Old Pottery Place ( if that 's the name of it ! ) and Madison Square Mall . We had lunch at the mall . I got a new pair of New Balance shoes , which I needed badly . I usually just wear one pair of shoes all the time . I do wear sandals in the summer . Tennis - type shoes don 't hold up much more than 6 months if they are the only ones worn . I got 4 new stamps and some water color paper and a black re - inker . Dad and I finished the lunch I brought home from the Mall . It was Chinese food . It was good the first go around , but not so good the second ! It was food , and a Tums took care of what it did to my stomach ! We watched the Kentucky Derby while we ate . Big Brown won but the second place horse broke both front ankles and had to be put to sleep where she lay . Sad . This morning I helped dad with some bills . He pays them on line . I don 't know if I could ever learn to do that . I went to Wal - Mart for some groceries . I thought rain was in the forecast so I wanted to get the shopping done and home before the moisture came . It was windy but no rain . I think it 's going to get us at daybreak . Hopefully , no bad storms , just lots of rain . I 've seen tiny plants coming up and do believe I will have some volunteer flowers again this year . I think I 've grieving for the loss of my being able to do garden work . I don 't even want to read my new gardening magazine . I just skim through it and then give it to Karen . I wonder when I get my bionic knees if I 'll be able to bend my knees . Old age is not for sissies ! Guess what time I woke up this morning ? 2 : 30 AM ! I stayed up ' til 5 : 30 AM and then dozed until 6 : 00 AM . I left for H ' ville at 8 : 30 AM for a dental apt . , just a cleaning . Then I found a bank and got a check cashed and then to a book store . I was going to get a copy of the South Beach Diet but ended up with a small carbohydrate counter ! It had the principles of the diet in it so it will do . After the dentist , I went to school and visited with Trudy . We had a great time . Then , I went to see Dr . Sharp . He said I needed 5 mg of Abilify instead of 2 mg . I was glad and I hope it will help . He didn 't believe my problems were because I missed my medicine that one day . He said I have mood swings and it was coming on since the summer . In June , I got off of Effexor and Depakote and got on Abilify and I really felt better . Then later on ( months ) I was doing " okay " , but felt like I was just going through the motions of life . So maybe he 's right . I hate that I 'm not " normal " ! I was so pleased to be feeling better I hoped it was the end of the mood swings . After Dr . Sharp , I went to Hobby Lobby to take back an item . I needed some more colored card stock and while I was there I had to look around , ( you know what I mean . . . ? ) . I got a heat gun for 1 / 2 off and got some embossing stuff . I 've never embossed anything by myself but I 'm going to give it a try . I got a new stamp and used the 40 % off coupon on it . I got home about 3 : 30 PM , and I was very tired . I 've gone 3435 steps today . I 'm a graduate of the University of Alabama , class of ' 66 . I majored in music , piano and organ . I taught private piano lessons in Tuscaloosa for a year and then got a teaching job in Key West , FL . There I met my husband , Frank and four months later we were married . Have lived in Athens , AL since 1976 . My children grew up in Athens . My husband is bedridden now so I add the title of care taker to the title of homemaker . I never wanted to work outside the home . I enjoyed gardening until I got breast cancer in 2002 . I 'm not able to do much garden work now , and I miss it . I enjoy going to the Wellness Ctr . to exercise . I enjoy making greeting cards and usually make a card or two each day . I love getting together with my daughters , Trudy and Mary Kate and my grandchildren . My son , Frank , lives in Knoxville , TN , so I don 't see him often . He has 4 children . I enjoy being a grandmother . please keep it in order to retain your counter functionality Insurance quotes are the way to start looking for insurance . simply by putting attention to website offerring allstate insurance the purchace process can be optimized . 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Last week , Representative Peter T . King , a conservative Republican from Long Island , convened hearings into what he says is the radicalization of American Muslims and their supposed refusal to cooperate with law enforcement officials . During the hearings , Congressman Keith Ellison , the first Muslim elected to Congress , denounced the inquiry and spoke of the heroism of Mohammed Salman Hamdani , a paramedic and N . Y . P . D . cadet who died on 9 / 11 trying to save the lives of others . Salman 's remains were not found until six months after his death . During that time , his reputation was smeared by speculation that he was involved in the attack simply because he was a Muslim . He was declared a hero posthumously . Salman 's mother , Talat Hamdani , is among the narrators in the forthcoming Voice of Witness book about post - 9 / 11 discrimination . Below is an excerpt of her narrative . Here , she describes the period following 9 / 11 , during which she and her husband searched desperately for their missing son . The night before 9 / 11 , Salman was going over his application for medical school . He was in his last year of N . Y . P . D . cadet training . After , he would be able to join the N . Y . P . D . as an officer . He had told me that if he didn 't get accepted into medical schools , he wanted to go into N . Y . P . D . forensics . I last saw Salman that night at 3 a . m . My husband Saleem wasn 't feeling well . He was all flushed , so he called Salman to take his blood pressure . It was fine , but Salman said , " If you feel bad , if you feel something wrong , just call me again . " On 9 / 11 , I left for work early that morning . I was a full - time teacher at Middle school 72 in Jamaica , Queens . I was in the classroom from about 8 a . m . to 10 : 20 a . m . When I came out of the classroom , there were teachers huddled up in the hallway outside the assistant principal 's room . At first I thought , Let me go see , maybe the superintendent has come in for an inspection . But then I could sense that something was wrong . I heard the teachers saying that the Twin Towers had been hit , that one had fallen down and the other one was burning . I called my husband . He was crying profusely , and he said , " You know , Salman is there ! " He knew it . I don 't know how , but he knew it . I was trying to convince him Salman wasn 't down there , that he was at work . He was a DNA lab analyst at the Howard Hughes Medical Institute , which is at 65th and York Avenue - far away from the World Trade Center . But Saleem believed our son had gone to down to the World Trade Center to help , because he would have seen the Towers burning on his commute to Manhattan . Saleem knew he would have gone down there . That 's all I can say . I said to him , " Don 't worry , he 'll call . He 'll come . " At school , we carried on teaching . I never thought about what it was all about . During the day , I watched television in the school 's media room with other teachers . I found a seat up front . I sat and I saw what was happening . It was so surreal . I just didn 't know what to believe or what not to believe . One of the teachers said , " It must be some crazy Muslim , you know . " Another teacher who knew I was there nudged her not to say it , and she kept quiet . But then I got up and left . I got home at around 4 : 30 p . m . My youngest son , Zeshan , was home . He was trying to reach Salman . We called Salman 's office , we called his cell , but nobody was answering . This whole time I was thinking , Salman is safe . Still , I called up the police department and the ambulance company to ask if they 'd sent him down there as an E . M . T . They said , " No , we did not send him . " There was no contact between the N . Y . P . D . or the E . M . T . company . They had not seen Salman at all that day . I told Saleem " Don 't worry . He 'll be home . " That night , we just waited for him . Nothing . He didn 't come home . We never discussed the attack . I didn 't think it had anything to do with his disappearance . Wars happen in the world . We were definitely focused on finding Salman . My husband was crying very badly , so the next day we went to Salman 's office . They said that he never showed up . The security guard went and got Salman 's cell phone for us . Salman had left it there the night before 9 / 11 . We asked the security guy what to do . He said , " Maybe go down to St . Vincent 's hospital . That 's where they have the injured . " So we went down to St . Vincent 's and there were long lines and of course we were both crying . We went to see the list of the injured and the dead . Every three or four hours they were generating a list . So , we went through those lists . We spent the whole day looking at the lists , again and again . Then on the third day , Thursday , we made a flyer for him . It had his picture and it said , " Missing . " We went to Manhattan again , to the Armory downtown . There were so many people over there . We posted the pictures everywhere , in different places . Everybody else was posting their pictures too . George Pataki , the governor , was there that day . I got this impression he just wanted to have his picture taken , wanted to be in the limelight . I don 't think it mattered to him how many people died or what the people were going through . That Salman was dead never crossed my mind . I thought that , on that day , he got down there later because he didn 't go to his office , so most probably he had to walk . He would have gone there to help , definitely . He was that type of a person . I had no clue . I was just searching for him . He could have been dead , he could have been injured . We were still hoping to find him on the injured list . They gave out a list of all the hospitals where the patients had been sent . There were like 250 hospitals between the five boroughs and New Jersey . We went to many of them , and I called many of them . No one had his name . Soon after , two police officers came to our house . They were a female and a male from the N . Y . P . D . Criminal Investigation Bureau . The female officer was looking around the house very intently . She came into the kitchen , where I had a big collage of pictures on the refrigerator . There was a picture of Zeshan 's graduation , with Salman , Adnaan , Zeshan , and Zeshan 's friend , who was an Afghani . She said , " My husband works at Queens College Housing . " The police had a center over there , where Salman worked . " Can I take his picture ? Maybe my husband will recognize Salman . " A few days after the cops came to my home , a regular customer , a Pakistani man who worked at the MTA , came to my husband 's store and said , " They 're asking for your son at the MTA . They 're asking for anyone who knows your son to step forward . " We 'd had the store for sixteen years , so Salman had practically grown up in front of him . The man said , " I know him , he 's from a very nice family . " Then he said , " He didn 't die , he 's being detained . You should write a letter . " In October , all four of us - my husband and my two sons and I - decided to go to Mecca just to pray , to get some answers . On October 9 they announced on the television , " Come identify your bodies at the medical examiner 's office . " So I said to my husband , " Before we go to Mecca , let 's go and look at all the bodies . " The next day , we headed to Manhattan . We had Salman 's cell phone , which was the only cell phone we had at the time . The man from the medical examiner 's office , or whoever he was , was calling every fifteen minutes , asking " Where are you now ? Where are you going ? " Then , for the next 36 hours , we received phone calls from a man who said he was a detective with the N . Y . P . D . He asked questions like , " What was Salman wearing ? Who was he going to see ? What was he doing that day ? Did he have a girlfriend or not ? Can we take his computer ? Do you know his password ? " I refused to give him Salman 's computer . I said , " Why should I give you his computer ? It 's not needed . First tell me where my son is . " On October 11th , the evening that we were leaving for Mecca , that 's the day when all the press reporters came back to my house . This New York Post guy came in asking questions , like , " What happened ? Where would your son be ? What are you doing ? Your second son Adnaan is the president of the Muslim Student Association ( M . S . A ) . at Binghamton . " That made me think , Oh , so he 's done his homework , and that is what he is looking at , the Muslim angle . I said , " I don 't trust you . I don 't want to talk to you . " Then the Newsday guy came in , and guys from the New York Times and Daily News . They told me , " There 's a flyer circulating the N . Y . P . D . with your son 's picture on it . It says Wanted ! That 's why we 've come to your house . " When I heard that , I was shocked . We were shocked . I remember saying , " He 's alive and he 's being detained , and he will come back . " The hope was so intense . The article said that my family had gone to Mecca , but that people were talking , that a neighbor had said , " We don 't know if we have a terrorist living next door to us . " But I don 't think any of our neighbors would have said that . All this insinuation , this is just a garbage paper . But the Daily News , the New York Times and Newsday all wrote very fair stories , like " The family 's gone to pray . " I called him . What he really wanted was to interrogate us . He asked , " What was your son wearing that day ? Where was he going ? What would he be doing ? " I have yet to find out why they would begin to suspect him , as opposed to helping us find him . I think maybe it was the fact that he did not work down there at the World Trade Center , and I called them up the second day asking , " Did you send him down there to help ? " Maybe that could be it . There was so much fear and suspicion at that time . And his first name is Mohammad . Maybe that caused it , who knows . But it was wrong , very wrong . I went back to teaching in November . By this time , there was nothing more my family could do to find Salman . We were just thinking that he was alive and he 'd come back home one day . Every day we would check the New York Times because they were disclosing the names of the dead and the injured . His name was never there , and I would tell this to the boys . So we were all still hopeful . Also we had heard on the television about a big dragnet that detained many people . What had happened was there was a committee , a senatorial meeting , and Ashcroft was summoned to it , and he was asked by the senators , " How many people do you have detained ? " So the more I heard about what was going on with the government , the more hope I had that my son was detained . We were going to sleep in the living room . Since 9 / 11 , we had been sleeping there because my husband had said , " Salman will come home one day and he doesn 't have a key , so I don 't want the house to be locked . " So he kept the door unlocked all the time and he slept over there in the living room , and of course I had to sleep with him . I couldn 't leave him alone . We used to spread a couple of blankets on the carpet , and then sleep right there . These tall men in overcoats knocked on our door at 11 : 30 p . m . that night . They said they were from the precinct . They did not show badges but I let them into my house because they said , " We 've just identified your son 's remains . This is the medical examiner 's number . You can call them right now and confirm . " I told Saleem , " Listen , nothing 's going to change anything . Let 's go back to sleep . No need to call anybody . We don 't know who these people were . " I just wanted to calm him down . So he pulled the file towards himself , and he said , " You know , Mrs . Hamdani , go get yourself a lawyer . If someone wants to test it , they have to do it in our presence . Whenever you 're ready , we have the remains . " My brother , who lives in New York , handled everything . The remains were sent to the funeral home in Queens . They say they gave us his lower body . The medical examiner 's office said they 'd given us his lower body . But I 'm sure from that big debris that was there at Ground Zero that they didn 't find any bodies ; all they gave anybody was a bag of dust . Everybody got dust . Nobody got any body parts . My sister tried to prod the bag ; she told me there was just dust in that bag , that there were no bones in there . I don 't know what to believe or not to believe , honestly . They gave us a pair of jeans and a belt that were found in the debris . They were Salman 's . But the jeans were not burned or anything . They had cut one of the legs to get it off , but there were no bones . On March 21 , we went to California , where my sister lives . I knew there would be a lot of press outside my door again , and I did not want to talk to them . We came back in April , a day before the funeral . On April 5 2002 we had the funeral . The N . Y . P . D . arranged it , so Salman got an honorable funeral under the American flag . I think after Congressman Ackerman investigated , the suspicions about Salman were put to rest . The funeral was at the big mosque in Manhattan , on 93rd Street on the east side . I made a collage of his pictures . The N . Y . P . D . had the bagpipe player play the bagpipes , they brought the casket in , they laid it upstairs . There were about a thousand cadets there . My family all spoke at the funeral , and the cadets spoke too . Salman got a very honorable funeral . That 's how he wanted to go . He had expressed it at the funeral of a sergeant who had died in ' 99 . He 'd said then , " Mama , that 's honor . That 's how I want to go . " You can say it put a closure to all my misgivings , and the cycle of , " Could he have made it ? Could he have not made it ? " It put everything to rest . At that point , I took this as a redemption of his dignity . The slander that had been done in his name was taken care of . And he was sent off with honor . - A groundbreaking collection of oral histories , Patriot Acts tells the stories of men and women who have been needlessly swept up in the War on Terror . In their own words , narrators recount personal experiences of the post - 9 / 11 backlash that have deeply altered their lives and communities . The eighth book in the Voice of Witness series , Patriot Acts illuminates these experiences in a compelling collection of eighteen oral histories from men and women who have found themselves subject to a wide range of human and civil rights abuses - from rendition and torture , to workplace discrimination , bullying , FBI surveillance and harassment . Included in this collection are narratives from : Voice of Witness is a nonprofit book series that empowers those most closely affected by contemporary social injustice . Using oral history as a foundation , the series depicts human rights crises around the world through the stories of the men and women who experience them . Voice of Witness was founded by author Dave Eggers and physician / human rights scholar Lola Vollen , and is the nonprofit division of McSweeney 's Books . They arrive from around the world for countless reasons . Many come simply to make a living . Others are fleeing persecution in their native countries . Millions of immigrants risk deportation and imprisonment by living in the U . S . without legal status . They are living underground , with little protection from exploitation at the hands of human smugglers , employers , or law enforcement . Underground America , the third book in the Voice of Witness series , presents the remarkable oral histories of men and women struggling to carve a life for themselves in the U . S . Now forty - eight years old , Alejandra first entered the US with her husband at the age of twenty - one . After periods of time in New York and back in El Salvador , she now lives and works in Washington DC as a school counselor . The week we meet , Immigration is raiding buses and workplaces in the area . Our interview in her office is constantly interrupted by calls from scared students , afraid to leave their homes and asking Alejandra 's advice . After her own brushes with both US immigration and the 1980s Salvadoran junta , Alejandra knows what these kids are going through . The adolescents I counsel are teen mothers , or kids that have got into problems with the court - because of gangs or stealing cars . I would say sixty percent of my caseload , at least , is undocumented . I know first hand what they 're facing because I was undocumented myself when I came here , twenty - one years old , from Usuluta ́ n , a city on the south - east side of El Salvador , through Guatemala and then Mexico . I can tell these young moms and dads that having a baby when you are a teenager does not have to be the end of the world . I was one of those teenagers - I was seventeen when I had my son . And then I separated from my kids , I left them at home . When I left her , my daughter was only four months old . she was a baby . And my son was three years . My purpose with my husband was to make a few dollars and go back , buy a house , and live a happy life in El Salvador . But the war was already starting at home . My husband 's cousin was living in new York and he provided the money for him to come . I was depressed about being in a country that was not my country , separated from my mother , my siblings , my friends , leaving every - thing . But I had one friend in new York who was going to help me to get a job through her contacts , cleaning for some family . one day , she said " oh , there is this lady that needs you to clean her house . " I went . It was this old lady living by herself in this beautiful apartment on Central Park , very , very old . ( Well , I was twenty - one so I would see as people old if they were fifty ! ) But this lady , she was maybe seventy - five years old . I didn 't speak any English . My friend had already trained me , " This is Windex , look for the picture . Don 't put Windex on the wood because you will mess it up . " Who uses these products ? Water and paper - that 's what we used to clean glass ! I had to learn to compare the pictures , or call my friend . " You know , I have to clean this . What do I use ? " A weird thing used to happen there but at the time I couldn 't understand if it was normal : wherever I was cleaning or dusting , this lady would come naked , naked , completely naked to talk to me . I thought maybe it was normal in the us culture , the gringos ' culture . There are some things you don 't know about other cultures . In El Salvador , we heard that people are free here in the us to do whatever they want . so maybe that 's part of her freedom - - walking naked in her house in front of a stranger . Me , I wouldn 't even undress in front of my own mother . After you 're nine years old , you know , you 're for only you . But this old lady , all wrinkled , came into every single room where I was working , naked . I told my friend and she said " That 's weird , I haven 't had that experience . " I said , " I don 't what 's wrong with this lady but she comes everywhere I go . " sometimes I would be cleaning the sink and then the toilet and then she would appear , all naked . To be honest I was afraid of this lady . One day she gave me a clock to throw away . I didn 't understand . When I first came , I got this little book called Basic English . so ' put ' I knew , but ' garbage ' I didn 't . I associated ' garbage ' with ' drawer ' - in Spanish , a drawer is gaveta . so I put it in the drawer . " No ! " she was so mad at me , " Put it in the garbage ! " so I put it in another drawer , another gaveta . so funny . Afterwards , I could laugh , but not at the time . she kept screaming at me and at some point she said " stupid ! " Estupida in Spanish and ' stupid ' sound all too similar to me . I said " Wait a minute . I 'm not stupid just because I don 't understand her . " I said , " You stupid ! " I grabbed my jacket . I said " Bye bye " and I left . After that , I worked as a housekeeper or doing catering or babysitting . I was a babysitter for a long time in a house where I was cleaning , cooking , running errands , whatever they needed . The lady opened a travel agency in her home . she organized groups of people to go to Africa - - Kenya and all those nice places . And I started to help her with files , collecting passports and stuff for her agency - all during the cleaning hours , so I was paid as a maid . But I always wanted to learn something new . The lady who sponsored me was a lot nicer . I worked for her three days a week . I would just come in the morning , clean up , do whatever I had to do and then around two o ' clock I was able to go home . I was catering on weekends , cooking for another family that lived in South Hampton , in a beautiful mansion in front of the ocean . That 's the kind of job I did in New York . Once we had been here four years , we couldn 't wait any longer . My son was now seven and a half and my daughter was four and a half and it was getting closer to another Christmas , the fourth Christmas without them . I was working for the family in new York that was sponsoring me for my green card . But my husband and I were desperate . I asked the lawyer , " how long is it going to take ? " he said , " It could be six months , it could be two years . " I said forget it . I told my husband that I can 't wait any longer . The war was already on , it was really bad in El Salvador . And my kids were living in Usuluta ́ n still , which was a city with a lot of conflict . Every penny we made went for the children and for the house we were buying in El Salvador . My husband and me , we wore used clothes that other people had tossed out . We lived in this tiny , tiny apartment , both of us in one twin bed . I said , " You know what ? We 've saved some money . I 've got to go back and see if I can bring them here . If I cannot buy a visa for them , I will bring them through Mexico . I already came through Mexico and I know how it is . " In fact , going through Mexico was very dangerous , but that 's how desperate I was . So I went back and bought a visa for myself and then diplomatic visas , with different names , for the children . of course , with the Salvadoran government at that time , the diplomats were all right wing . My brother was coming too because I could get a visa for him with the same name as my kids , so the three of them could travel together , as a big brother with two younger siblings . And the name on the passport I bought for myself was different . I couldn 't get one with the same name as the children . So , they were officially not my kids when we were on the plane . Once we arrived in New Orleans , I made it through but they didn 't . They started questioning my brother because he didn 't have a letter from the children 's parents authorizing their coming here , so they were stuck . I didn 't take the next plane to new York , I went back to customs . They kept asking me , " Are they your kids ? " I said , " no , I know them . They come from the same hometown and I just feel bad that they couldn 't make it . " But they put me in jail in New Orleans , in the women 's jail . And they took my brother and the kids to a hotel because they were still the responsibility of the airline , that 's what they said . I wouldn 't let them take pictures or fingerprints of myself and I didn 't let them do it to the kids either . " They 're going back , so why do you need fingerprints ? " I think it was a crazy busy day or otherwise they would have done it . I argued with them that I was not a criminal . " You stamped my passport and my passport says I have a right to come in . So what are you charging me with ? " But they put me in jail anyway . They searched me . They made me undress and take a shower with this lady right in front of me , which made me feel so uncomfortable . And they put me in a jail with another woman . she was Latino , but I don 't remember talking to her about why she was there . I was so scared , so , so scared . she was on the one side and I was on the other side . We didn 't communicate . Most of the day , I was in court . I didn 't know where they were taking me . All that day and the next , I was being questioned . I asked where they were going to send my children and they told me they were going to a hotel because they ' belonged ' to the airline while I was part of the us . The next morning when I saw them , my brother said , " oh , we 're doing just great . We 're in a nice hotel with three meals a day . " And my kids were happy because the officer was really kind . It was getting close to Christmas when we came and he bought a doll for my daughter and a police car for my son - - not something I would buy , but it was kind of him , to make them feel like kids , you know . They were scared , too . My brother kept saying , " Tell them we 've got to go back . I don 't want to stay here . " If they were going to go back , I would have to go back with them . so I signed my own deportation back to El Salvador . In two days , we went back . But it was a nightmare over there because the war was going on . The police were waiting for us , the guard , we call them . When we arrived , somebody said , " Immigrants are here , " loud . This guy came to us and said , " oh , so you are the ones - you came from new orleans ? " " Yes we did . " he said , " okay , follow me . " It was the two of us , me and my brother , and the kids . The guard asked me , " Do you have anybody to take your kids ? " I said no , thinking that would be a good excuse for them not to keep us any longer at the airport . he said " oh , well . You can leave with your kids and we 'll take him " - my brother . I said " Where ? " I knew about all the killing , I knew about all the torturing , I knew everything that was going on in El Salvador . " We 're going to take him to jail . " I said , " If I find somebody to take my kids can I go with him ? " " Yeah , you 're supposed to come with us . " I didn 't feel safe to let my brother go by himself . he was eighteen . he was so nervous - crying . I said , " let me see if I can find somebody here at the airport . " My mother was there and the man who sold us the passports was there , too . But I didn 't want to tell the authorities , " here is the one who sold us the passports . " I went to my mom and I said " Mom , take the kids , we 're going to jail . " she said " What ? " I said , " Just follow us , because we 're going in this van . " They put us in the van . They put handcuffs on my brother . The guard told me , " I 'm not going to put handcuffs on you but you 're not allowed to talk . Just keep your head down . " We were whispering all the way to the police station in San Salvador . I told my brother , " Do not say any - thing . You don 't know who sold us the passports . You don 't know anything , period . leave it to me because then we won 't be telling two stories . " I wasn 't going to tell them because my goal was to come back here to the us . The guy who sold me the passports was my hope for getting out of El Salvador again . So my brother kept saying , " I don 't know anything . she did everything . " And they started pushing me , " Who sold you the passport ? " I said , " I only know his first name . " I made up some name . They said , " how do you not know the last name ? " The story that I made up was that this school friend of mine got a passport and came to lA and from lA she gave me the number and the name of the person who could help me come to new York . so I knew the number , but I didn 't have it with me . And I told them that I called this guy , the first time , told him that I wanted to leave with my kids and my brother and he met me at the park in san salvador , I just made up a park . We met , we talked and then next time , we met and I gave him half the money . The last time I met him again at the same park , he gave me the passports and I gave him the rest of the money . That was my story . They kept asking me , " Why don 't you tell us who is he ? What does he look like ? " I described some man . " Because if you tell us , you 're going to get your money back , that 's a lot of money . " I said , " of course . I 'm not stupid , if I knew it , I would give it to you so you could get him and get my money back . " It was getting late , it was dark already by then . This guard took me to a small room , with cork all over the walls , soundproof , no windows . As soon as you walk into this room , you expect something bad to happen . He starts questioning , questioning , questioning . he keeps repeating the same story all over again and over and over and over . He says , " okay , I 'm going to send you to jail because you don 't know so we can 't help you . " " I just came from jail in the United States and they searched me . And from jail they put me on the plane and I was guarded by police . I wasn 't alone for one minute - I had no chance to get drugs or anything , so I don 't see why you have to search me . " I said , " okay , " and he stepped out . It felt like a long wait - - I didn 't have a watch . Then he came back and I was still dressed . he said , in an aggressive and demanding voice , " Didn 't I tell you to get undressed ? " I said , " Yes , you did . But I don 't have anything , what are you looking for ? " " We don 't know if you have weapons . " " You can still search me with my clothes on . If I had anything you could see . I can take off my shoes and socks if you want to but I 'm not going to take off the rest of my clothes . " he said , " Why don 't you listen ? I have a supervisor expecting me to give a report . " I said , " You tell your supervisor that I got undressed and that you searched me and you did not find anything . And I will appreciate it . I will let you touch me through the clothes and see if I have something . " he said , " But I can 't do that . " I said " Yes you can , because you 're such a nice man that you 're going to do this for me . " he said , " You know I can get into trouble . " I said , " I 'm sorry , but I 'm not going to get undressed . " he patted me through my clothes . I 'm a weak woman . I do not consider myself strong . But when I 'm in a situation , I don 't know what changes me - - you know , completely - - into another person . I 'm sorry to say this , but I don 't have respect for those guards because they had no respect for my people at all . That guy wasn 't one of the bad ones - - maybe not - - but I have a brother who was killed , I have teachers who were killed during the war , I have friends from my school who were killed during the war in very bad ways - - couldn 't be worse , being dismembered - - and the guards were doing all this . And you know , if it wasn 't for Ronald Reagan , so many people in El Salvador would not have died in that war . Because of his support for the Salvadoran government at that time , the war lasted as many years as it did . seventy - five thousand people died . I have no hatred towards the American people , but the government … ! I spent four days in a cell by myself , with big roaches running all over . I couldn 't sleep , I couldn 't eat . They would bring me tortillas with rice and beans but I couldn 't eat . They would not let my mom see me . They wouldn 't let anybody visit . But I knew that the guy who sold us the passports was the one who must do something . he had his connections . If he lent us those passports , he was supposed to send them back because other clients were waiting to use them come to the states . Those diplomats did not want to get into trouble either , so they would figure out how to get me out of there . They did . They were the ones who got us out of jail in four days . I spent six months in el salvador waiting to see if we could come back . It was a terrible time in my country , with the war , no jobs , fear of the guards , friends disappearing . At last , we organized to come back with visas , not a diplomatic passport . But I didn 't want to come on the same plane as the kids so I sent them by themselves . somebody was waiting here with papers - she was supposed to be the godmother . once the kids were safely here , they called me . And then I took the next plane , the next day , hoping that everything was going be okay . Our green card application was still in process . It took another year . Once the kids were here , we looked for a bigger apartment . I didn 't bring papers for them , so we had to start all over , get vaccinations so they could enroll in school . And that 's how we found the clinic . It wasn 't too expensive - - it was based on your income . But then I had to lie again , say that my husband wasn 't around , I was by myself with my kids . otherwise , I would have had to pay a lot of money . That was the only organization that I found in new York that was helpful . Before my kids came , I never went to the doctor , I never got sick ! even if I was sick , I didn 't know where to go and I wasn 't going to pay . My daughter went back to El Salvador when she was fourteen . she said " I like it in El Salvador , I 'll stay to finish my high school . " I thought she was going to have problems over there , because between her and her brother they only spoke English , growing up in the us . But she did well and now she 's working with World vision . She 's doing in El Salvador what I 'm doing here in the us , working with kids with drugs and problems . My son stayed on in the us . he 's an artist . he was one of those teenagers that dye his hair different colors . he used to say , " Books are not for me , I hate school . " But we told him , even if you don 't go to school , you have to work . You 're not going to be hanging out on the street doing nothing . he worked as a dishwasher . he said , " oh my god , it 's so hard . " I said , okay , I 'm glad you know it 's hard - nobody has to tell you - you 've been there . now you have an option : continue to work as a dishwasher , forget about school , or go back to school . so he got his GED and was accepted at a great design school in new York . It wasn 't easy to get in there - - he 's really talented . I 'll still be paying his student loan for ever , probably . It 's a lot of money , but that 's the least I can do for him . When we first moved here to DC , I said " I want to do something else besides cleaning houses or babysitting . " But a lady I knew with two kids said , " Great , you 're here , come over . " oh , no ! Babysitting again ! But I also became a volunteer on Wednesdays at a clinic for pregnant women , girls who work in the daytime . I trained to do the intake and I also did some interpreting . Then I signed up to go to hospital with women who don 't have anyone else to accompany them for the birth , so I saw a lot of babies delivered . It was very emotional . later , I worked as a home visitor , to prevent abuse and neglect of children . There , I saw that I was working with my own people - - Latinos , mostly Central Americans , Salvadorans . And I liked it . After two years , I moved on to social services and before I left there I was the coordinator for the teen clinic . so you see , a person can start where I did and still move on . You can set your goals and work towards them . That 's the reason why I really like the job I have now , where I can encourage young people . I used to bring adolescents to this school to get their GED . every time there was a position here , the principal would call to ask me to apply and finally I came to work here . I 'm a counselor , that 's my title . For crisis intervention , we refer the young people to mental health services , but I connect them with the daycare organizations , vouchers and food stamps , Medicaid , health insurance , all kinds of things . Right now , we have kids phoning to say they aren 't coming in to school because they 're afraid . lately , there 've been a lot of raids going on , buses being stopped , lots of deportations and detentions . some kids were afraid to come to school to pick up their report cards on Friday because they are undocumented . And all of them are afraid to apply for health insurance or other services . There are some services for undocumented , but they are still afraid . They have a lot of responsibilities too . They have to work and there are no good jobs for them . like me , I wasn 't happy working where I was working to start with , I was so depressed but I knew that I had to do it . I had no option . I couldn 't say , " Mom , I 'm going to college . Can you pay ? " There was no way . I had two kids to feed . At work , the kids don 't have insurance . They don 't have any rights around getting sick . You 're sick - you lose your job . sometimes , we ask them to stay longer for school activities but they have to go to work . Can I call your supervisor ? Can I send a letter ? " no , They 'll fire me . They need me . I have to be there . " People don 't understand that immigrants do the jobs that others won 't do . If I 'm a dishwasher and I don 't go to work , who is going to do the dishes ? It 's not like the position I have right now at the school - if I 'm not there , my co - worker will do some intervention and the rest I 'll do when I come back . But the dishes must be done right now . Who 's going to cook if I don 't go to work ? Many kids are in gangs , we know which gangs they belong to . We work with a group of police officers know who 's in the gangs , their names and everything . In one particular case , I saw a girl talking with a guy I know is in a gang . I said , " What 's going on , is he your friend ? " and she said " no , I just met him . " " Then why do you run to the window to talk to him ? " " ' Cause he was asking me to go to a party . " That 's how they hook them in : Come to a party . This girl is under - age , so I said , " I 'm going to talk to your mom about your friends because if I was your mom , I would want to know who your friends are . " I don 't want anything to happen to her and have to say , " oh I knew it and I didn 't tell her mom . " " That 's good . Just stay away from them . " once she joins a gang , it 's hard for her to leave . Members of other gangs know that she belongs to that gang so when she 's by herself , they jump on her . They 'll beat her . Families are so broken . If it 's only the mom in the house , she has to work double shift - to pay rent and to feed them . There 's no communication between kids and mothers . Most of these families were separated by the war . We are coming from a very violent , a very abusive country . once they 're here , they try to find a group of people that will support them or protect them . The gangs call it protection but they 're not really there to protect you . You 're on your own . And if you 're in jail , you 're on your own , too . If you 're in the hospital , you 're on your own . The only person who 's going to visit you in the hospital is your family . But I think that all those issues come from not knowing the language , not having hope , because hope is all you have when you come here . When I arrived , I didn 't know one word of English and I thought that I would never learn the language . " What are they saying ? " I couldn 't understand anything - it makes you feel lost . Then these kids find ' friends ' who speak the language and they like adventure , like every teenager loves adventure . That 's how kids get drawn into gangs . Right now , with ' free trade , ' these kids have been thrown here . In El Salvador , there is Office Depot , Home Depot , Starbucks , Target , Wal - Mart , and all these big , huge companies are taking over . They open up a sweatshop , they hire a lot of people . Victoria 's Secret and Gap - - they have all these sweatshops over there . Great , good job opportunity . Come and work for one dollar a day . sewing or whatever . no lunch break , eight hours or nine hours a day . Get paid every month . But when it 's getting closer to your next pay , you go to work and where is it ? Where is the company ? Where is the factory ? They 're gone , they close overnight and they leave you without pay and without a job . This is what they do in El Salvador . That 's ' free trade . ' so then , let 's say my brother - he has a little stationery store - he goes to San Salvador to buy paper and books and pencils . But nobody will go to his store instead of going to office Depot where they get it cheaper . he will have to close his place . so then what can he do ? Come to the us . Come here and work . No , it 's not right . That 's why the war started in El Salvador . That 's how people got so angry and got armed - - it was because they couldn 't take it any more . Working in those big cornfields cutting corn every day , burning yourself in the sun , for nothing . Just for a tortilla and beans . no place to live . no clothes to dress your kids . no shoes for your kids . It shouldn 't be like that . The country has money . You go to San Salvador , you see the big city and you feel like you could be here in the us . But you move to the countryside and you go three hundred years behind . no bathrooms in the houses , no toilets , no electricity , no water - you have to walk miles to get some water to drink . But the government says that in Sl Salvador only six percent are unemployed . Is it Sweden ? no , because they count anyone who 's selling mangos on the street - that 's ' employed . ' even though she just picks mangos from her own tree and puts them in a bowl and then sells them . But she 's ' employed . ' The other one selling newspapers on the street is ' employed . ' You selling gum and cigarettes on a little box ? You 're ' employed . ' If there 's a guy putting gas in his mouth , burning his mouth and spitting fire on the street to get some money ? he 's ' employed . ' In El Salvador today , education is supposed to be provided to everybody but if you don 't have a pencil , you can 't go to school . If a family doesn 't have money for food , they won 't spend money on a pencil instead of buying rice and beans . once you go to high school , they say it 's free . You don 't pay tuition . But you pay seven dollars to register , and you have to buy your books and you have to wear a uniform . not everybody can do it ; some fifty percent of El Salvador wouldn 't be able to do that . I see it with the students in my school right now . kids who are seventeen and only finished third grade in El Salvador - - why ? " Because I decided to help my mother with the tortillas , " " I decided to help my tio - - my uncle - - in the fields . " " No , I wanted to baby - sit my sisters ' children . " " I have to go be a maid . " They 're better off being here in that situation , even going through whatever you have go to through . It 's not fair that the us government supported that war and now they want to build a wall to stop us from crossing over . And who 's going to build that wall , anyway ? Tell me that . The woman slapping tortilla shapes makes like the rain hitting the cement floor . I like the smell of charcoal smoke , rotting vegetables and sheet metal rust . I think about it when it 's 100 degrees and I 'm driving in the desert . View all posts by sesshu → Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . . |
Well here are the significant events of yesterday . Monkey woke up with a low - grade fever so he stayed home with J while GG and I went to work . I think it was due to him teething . Remember I was invited out for " girls night out " they were going downtown Chicago for dinner and fireworks . Well since Monkey wasn 't feeling good I didn 't want to take him with and I didn 't want to leave him either . I needed to do what was best for my babe ! Even though I really wanted to go , I didn 't . There is always next time . We stopped by the department for dinner with DAD before heading to my in - laws for the night ! I stopped at McDonalds for some food first , I know really healthy . We were at the police station for a little over an hour . That was so nice to see him during the night and eat with him ! When we got to my in - laws grandma wasn 't feeling good so we just had a relaxing time there hanging out , it was fun . This morning we went to Sunday school and church . It was such a gorgeous day ! ! ! Sun shining and warm . . . I can 't wait for more permanent spring weather . On the way to church Monkey was in his seat just talking away . He kept naming things he saw through his window . So it was mostly car , tree , car , tree , plane , car , tree , house ! Too cute . GG went to her Sunday school class and Monkey came to ours . Then they both went to the nursery during church . GG wanted to go there instead of children 's church because she wanted to play with Monkey . Who I am to stand in the way of siblings bonding ! Monkey did great again today in the nursery he didn 't cry at all not even 2 minutes like last time : ) It is so nice to sit in church with my husbands arm around me while listening to the sermon . We went back to J 's parents and ate another yummy lunch . Monkey got all wet at lunch trying to use a big boy cup . Then J left and the kids and I hung out for awhile . I ended up getting a much needed hour nap ! Monkey 's mouth was bothering him last night so he nursed ALL NIGHT LONG ! Now we are home and GG is in bed sleeping and Monkey is going to bed soon . SidPosted by I am going to try and make this post short . This morning I took Monkey to work with me and GG and J had together time . They couldn 't wait to tell me all the things they did together . . . they called me at work ! I left earlier then I was schedule because I wanted some time with J . We got to talk and it was much needed on my part , I had a somewhat bad week . Then this evening I went back to work with both kids . I met the most awesome person . She has 6 kids ! We talked about nursing , co - sleeping , and being responsive to our kids . She gave me so many compliments : ) It is always nice to hear that you are doing a good job being the best mom you can be . Then we got home and made homemade pizza . Grandma had a bunch of her church friends over for dinner and GG ate up all the attention . When the first person came in GG said , " Oh family is here ! " What a goof . She loved talking with everyone and they all said that she was adorable . Monkey just kind of just hung out by me . . . he was being shy . Then I brought them downstairs and put them to bed . So we had a good day ! ! ! Lets try this again . It is official that I have my sweet GlamorGirl back because she said the same thing again this morning ! Gosh I love that girl so much . I look at her and think to myself she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen , the smartest little person I have ever known and she has the greatest personality of anyone I have ever met . I know I am a little bias . . . but it is so hard not to think that when everyone tells me the same things I think about her ! I 'm not only talking about family members when I say everyone . . . it is mostly non - family that give me compliments on both of the kids actually . Ok enough about that ! GG went with me this morning because she had her " preschool " class . She painted and did a craft today , very excited to show daddy when he came to pick her up ! J and Monkey got to work the same time I went to pick GG up and so Monkey stood at the window screaming , " Bay ! Bay ! Bay ! " I love the connection they have with each other ( at least today anyway ! ) . Man I tell you Monkey 's vocabulary has really taken off . He says new words everyday . He is learning so much everyday too . My favorite is that he is starting to sing songs ! I love singing with them . This afternoon Monkey took a nap and GG watched a movie and I took a nap . I felt so much better afterwards . I was going to go to bed last night at 9 but I ended up going to bed at 10 because Swiper the fish died . I couldn 't believe it . We bought him Monday and it died Wednesday . So we got our money back , which was nice . J thinks that GG 's fish Princess is toxic and is making the other fish die so we are going to wait until Princess dies then get two new fish and start over . I have a feeling that Princess is going to have a long life too . Good thing Monkey doesn 't really care . Lets see I believe that is about all I have to write about . Both the kids are playing with their micro machines ! Soon it will be bed time for all of us : ) I 'm really not in the mood to write much . But I will say that GG had such a better day today . This morning the first thing out of her mouth was , " It 's a beautiful day today ! " My little sweetheart is back . She had dance class today also . Well I have more I could write about but I really don 't want to write about it . Man I tell you what , GlamorGirl woke up on the wrong side of the bed today . She had the worst day of her entire life today . I think it was due to lack of sleep but man am I glad it is over . She was super sensitive to everyone today . . . crying , not listening , just having an all together bad day . I wasn 't going to take her to work with me but I did anyway . . . big mistake on my part . If a kid looked at her the wrong way she cried , poor girl . Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day . Today J got called into work . He went in because it is good money . I was sad because we planned on checking out a sale and making a fire tonight . Oh well . While I was making dinner tonight my friend Amanda ( from work ) was outside making a bunch of noise to catch my attention . Her and another girl Lisa were standing outside waving their hands like crazy ! Lisa has a little boy born the same day and year as Monkey . I opened the door and we " yelled " back and forth . GG thought that was so neat except she cried when she couldn 't give Amanda a hug , go figure . Amanda and her sister Elyse are at war over my kids . Last Saturday Monkey gave Elyse a hug and so Amanda wanted one from Monkey , which he gave her today . After dinner I gave both kids a bath and put them to bed . I talked to our friends about going to the hockey game and they can go . I am super excited about it . We got invited to an event tonight but I didn 't feel like driving so I stayed home . But maybe if J is home next time they get together we will go . I also got invited to a girls night out with our Sunday school class . They are going to watch the fireworks and then out for dinner in downtown . I haven 't decided if I am going yet . . . maybe if I can find someone to watch GG . I would bring Monkey because it would be too long for him to be away . I guess I am just going to wait and see how much my paycheck is Friday . If it is good I will have money to go out to dinner ! ! ! I got off track today . . . Wow what a day ! GG and I got up and went to work and the boys had guys day in . . . they even ran a few errands together . We came home and did the usual ! Then we went to Wally world to get Monkey a new fish . This time his fish is all black and his name is Swiper . Which reminds me . . . do you remember when I said Monkey was saying something that sounded like shut up ? ? ? Well it turns out he wasn 't say that or stop it he was saying Swiper from Dora . So when he says Swiper it sounds like he is saying shut up so J and I say Monkey 's version of Swiper when we want the other to be quite ! Also this morning Monkey was laying in the bed half awake half asleep saying " Shubup shubup shubup . . . ooooh man ! " J and I laughed : ) Another Monkey thing he has been so into the toilet . Today he put the fish net in there after we put his new fish in the bowl . The other day he put the plunger in the toilet , ( moving it up and down ) it was funny to see him using it in the right way . But gross at the same time ! Yuck . This evening we went grocery shopping as a family . . . just the four of us . That was so nice I can 't wait to start doing that again on a regular basis . . . when we move out ! GG fell asleep in the cart ! She looked so uncomfortable , she can sleep anywhere I tell you . Well now we are home the food is put away and I just gave GG a bath . Now it is bed time . . . even though J is winding them up really good right now . They are jumping on the bed and laughing hysterically . I am going to watch my show I recorded while we were gone . Oh one more thing , last night I nursed Monkey then let him fall asleep on his own . Well he woke up about an hour later crying . I asked J to take him out and rock him , he wouldn 't do it . J said , " Monkey can you stop crying ? " and he stopped crying . Then J said , " Now go to sleep . " He went to sleep . I couldn 't believe it . If I try talking to him he cries harder and louder . So from now on I will let J talk to him at night . It worked perfectly ! ! ! I have a little sad news . . . we lost Fred today . He went to fish heaven ! We just got home from spending the day with J 's family . I 'll get back to that later . For the fish we told the kids the fish died . I think it is best to be honest with them about life and death . When we told Monkey it was funny because he shook his head no , as if he was saying this can 't be true . Then we put Fred in the toilet and said goodbye to him . We let Monkey be the one to flush the toilet . Then GG started crying saying that Princess was going to die too . I told her that we would wash the bowl and get new water and Princess should be ok . She seemed pretty ok with that . We are going to go to the store tomorrow and get Monkey a new fish . . . hopefully this one will be healthier ! This morning we went to church only , I wanted to go to Sunday school but we just didn 't get up in time : ( On the way to church GG had her Bible and she was looking at a picture of Jesus with all the children around him . She said this is God . It was actually Jesus , when he was on Earth . How do you go about telling a 3 year old that God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit ( the trinity ) are the same but at the same time different . The trinity is a hard thing to grasp so how do you explain it to a 3 year old ? We tried our best to explain it to her . One day she will understand better . At church Monkey stayed in the nursery the whole time and had a blast . They said he cried for about 2 minutes and then played . I think he is finally over the separation anxiety ! GG went to children 's church and J and I actually got to sit in the sanctuary together ! ! That was so nice . Then we went to J 's house and had a yummy lunch . It was shrimp something or other ? I forgot the name . I don 't usually care for shrimp but Sue did a great job and I actually liked it ! Then we just hung out talking about tons of stuff with his parents . They are great to talk to about anything and everything . I miss that with my mom , her living so far away it is hard to talk to her because it has to be on the phone and anyonePosted by I am in a better mood now . It is amazing how kids can help you smile again : ) This afternoon we just sat on the couch telling each other secrets and goofing around mainly just laughing together . That helped so much . GG also told me that I am a supermom ! She has been into superheros lately , so I thought that was nice she thought of me like that . . . mom can do anything I need her too . Then after dinner I gave them a bath so they are ready for church in the morning . I just let them play in the tub having fun with each other and me just watching . They are such great kids and I am glad they are mine ! I did take some pictures of them in the bath too I think they will turn out really good . Now the kids are clean and smell so sweet . They are still playing nicely with each other . It seemed the last week they fought more over toys then normal and now they are back to playing together , thank God ! Oh yeah the Y called today and said that GG can go to the next preschool session again free of charge ! That totally rocks : ) It is the closest thing to date that I have found that is somewhat similar to the playgroup we used to go to . The only difference is the parents aren 't there : ( But she has fun and it is FREE ! ! ! ! ! The internet got disconnected last night . . . GRRR . The only one who knows how to router it is J and he was working . So we had to wait for him to fix it this morning . Two things I want to write about yesterday . The first is Monkey fell asleep last night without nursing , yay ! And GG has quite the imagination : ) At work yesterday she was pretending that pillows were babies and her and Rachael were playing house each being the mommy . When we got home and Monkey was sleeping she was pretending she was performing for imaginary people . It was too cute ! She was talking to them and just having a blast . Oh yeah Becky came home from college to do laundry which she hasn 't done yet . I think she is waiting for her mom to get home from her retreat so she can do it . How lazy . Speaking of Becky she ate J 's dinner for work tonight . I was extremely pissed at her , I put his food in a container and said to everyone this is for J . She was like I can make him dinner now . He had to leave for work in an hour , plus why would he want to eat her food , she can 't cook . Just makes me think this summer is going to totally suck . I have a feeling that we are going to have to hide our food down here or Travis and Becky are going to eat it all . They eat like pigs . And I am not joking , Travis eats a half loaf of bread in one sitting and Becky just eats all day long . Ok enough of that , this morning both the kids went with me to work so J could fix the internet . Actually GG 's presence was requested by Elsye . While we were there GG 's pants kept falling off of her so my other co - worker Wiesia ( she is polish ) made her two belts they are really cute ! So when we came home we ate and J and I had some alone time . That was much needed . I am so happy that he is off tomorrow , Monday and Tuesday ! I have a new title at work too . I am the green snot nazi . If the kid comes with green snot we are getting the parents and the kid is leaving the place . I am sick of getting sick from working there . We have a sheet when you sign in that says no green burgers allowed . So itPosted by I have a lot to write about tonight I just hope I can remember it all ! This morning J unexpectedly had to go to court so both kids went with me to work . Before we left Monkey sneezed and had snot running down his face . He said , " mama tistue , tistue ! " I was so proud of him that he wanted a tissue instead of wiping it across his face : ) GG had her last class of preschool today at the Y . She brought snacks for the class and was really excited about that . Afterwards when I went to pick her up the teacher told me how smart she was . I , of course , had to ask what she did . She was talking up a storm like always and was telling her teacher where we live . She gave the address . . . number , street name , and city . The teacher repeated it back to me to see if she was right and she was ! Soon after J became a police officer we thought it would be a good idea for her to learn where she lived in case she ever got lost or separated from us . She also knows if someone asks her what her mommy 's name is to say Tonya and our last name . Same for if they ask about daddy . I know I sound paranoid , well I am , I don 't ever want to lose my children . Since we are talking about GG I have been forgetting to write about how she can zip her own coat . She hasn 't let anyone zip it for her in a month . . . when she learned how ! Very proud of herself for yet another feat that makes her more independent ! J came to work after his court to pick up Monkey and met my friend and co - worker Amanda . GG was a little upset that she couldn 't go with daddy so I let her help me in the baby room . She is such a little mother ! If a baby started to cry she would go and try to comfort it . We had 8 babies under 12 months and only two employees in there . . . so some babies just had to cry until we could comfort them . She was a great help to us today . I think her favorite part was holding the bottle for one of the babies , it had breastmilk in it too ! Then we came home and spend some time with J before he had work . This afternoon Monkey didn 't take a nap because he slept for J in the Posted by Busy busy day today . I got up before everyone and got ready then I woke GG up and dressed and fed her . Then us girls went to work together . It was really busy today . My co - worker Chris ' little boy Noah , the one Monkey loves to death , got bit . I was the only one who saw it and I had to write my first incident report . That was fun , not . Then we got home just in time to pick up our boys to go to GG 's dance class . She did great today in the class , no wanting me to be in the room . Then we came home and ate lunch as soon as we were done eating it was time for J to go to work . Then the children and I cleaned the fish bowl . They had so much fun helping me . . . I am glad they are interested in taking care of the fish . They feed them and help take care of them . Then I put Monkey down for a nap and GG and I watched another movie together , that is becoming our afternoon together time . I love snuggling with her . Then we made dinner , ate and I gave GG a bath while Monkey watched . After her bath she went and laid in the bed it was only 6 : 45 ! So I told her she still needed to brush her teeth , let me blow dry her hair , and read books . I was doing everything I could think of to keep her awake longer . I couldn 't believe my baby girl wanted to go to bed so early . She went to sleep at 7 and Monkey followed shortly after at 7 : 45pm . I don 't know what to do with myself , hehehe . I was going to scrapbook but I didn 't get a nap today so I am pretty tired I just might go to bed . Hmm . . . I don 't think I have been in bed before 9 in the longest time . ~ Julie if you read this I loved your journal entry about Jonathon ! I actually got the idea from someone else but I liked it all the same : ) Tell him Happy birthday from us ~ Well that is all for tonight . Peace Out ! We just got home from the LLL meeting it is 9 : 40 ! Anyways both the kids fell asleep in the car on the way home . I brought GG in the house first in case Monkey woke up and wanted to nurse I didn 't want her sitting in the car . So I laid her on the bed and covered her with the blanket I made her , as soon as the blanket was on her she smiled and said , " Mmmm " . That just made me feel all warm inside . The blanket I made her gives her comfort . Before the meeting I told GG that if she didn 't listen to mommy she couldn 't go to work with me tomorrow . She was the best behaved little girl even more so than usual . Today she didn 't go to work with me for a punishment she did the other day . When she asked if she could go I told her no because of what she did yesterday . Of course , I was a little more specific with her . It clicked ! She loves going to work so if she misses it because she was naughty she makes sure that doesn 't happen again . I did take Monkey with me today . We got home and ate then I put him down for a nap and was too tired to do anything really special with GG so I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie and cuddle with me on the couch . She loved that idea so we put in Rugrats and watched together . I fell asleep during it but she didn 't know , so got rested and she was happy . Then when the movie was over and Monkey woke up we put on my new CD and danced together . Then time for dinner and out the door for our meeting . So that was our day in a nutshell . No work today , which means I got to sleep in ! I am really tired right now so I will try and give you highlights from today that I can remember . This morning GG decided that her dolls needed to wear diapers . So she got into Monkey 's diapers and put them on her dolls . It was pretty funny . She is my little mother in the making . She didn 't ruin any of the diapers either , which is a plus . Both of the kids took naps at the same time today . I was going to do some scrapbooking but I figured that by the time I got all the stuff out they would be awake . My plan is to start scrapbooking after they go to bed at night . This afternoon GG and I made a grocery list together again . She thinks that is pretty neat to be included in what we buy for food . The way I see it , I would rather buy things she wants to eat then things she won 't touch . In the store she helped pick out the treats for her class on Thursday , we got apple juice boxes , fruit snacks , and string cheese . I will say that I am so thankful that my kids aren 't allergic to peanuts . I picked up a couple things I thought would be good snacks and the ingredients in big bold letters said might contain traces of peanut . I really wouldn 't know what to do if they were allergic considering they eat pb & j for lunch all the time . We got home and unpacked the groceries , the kids helped . Then we came downstairs and watched " our " show we watch together every week . It is probably the only show on tv that is still kid friendly . GG played with my hair too . This evening has been interesting . Monkey went to sleep so I laid him in bed ( GG was laying there wide awake ) then 15 minutes later GG comes out wanting to snuggle with me on the couch . I knew I shouldn 't but I really wanted to snuggle with her so I let her stay out with me . Then 45 minutes later Monkey woke up . We are still working on him going back to sleep without nursing so I rocked and rocked and rocked until he fell asleep , took about 30 minutes . GG was lying on the couch still , while I handled Monkey , she fell asPosted by Our day . We didn 't go to church this morning because J worked last night . So we slept in until 9am ! ! ! That was nice . . . even though the kids were awake at 7 : 30 they watched cartoons . We went and did lots of things today . We bought some Christmas presents , I know it is a little early but it is easier on the budget when we buy throughout the year . We took the kids to McDonalds for being good while we were shopping . Then we went to J 's parents , GG walked into g & g 's room and said , " Look at me . Don 't I look super cute ! " What a little stinker . On the way to there house she said something funny in the car . She had a hat the string had broken so she asked , " Hey can you my parents fix this hat . " We just looked at each other and couldn 't help but laugh . She normally refers to us as my mommy or my daddy . Come to think of it she has said a lot of silly things today . Like she had to go to the bathroom so we stopped at the station . She said , " Are we going to have some more pizza ? " We ate pizza last night when we went . Oh yeah both the kids loved being at the police department . We got to meet some of daddy 's friends and they got to see where he goes to work when he leaves home . GG kept saying , " This is so neat ! " Anyways , J put together GG 's big wheel , she and Monkey had a lot of fun taking turns riding it through the house . We ate dinner there and then went to night church . That was awesome . They had a harpist come and do a concert . He played and we sang it was so uplifting . I was just mesmerized watching his hands move across the harp . It is such a beautiful sound . He had three size harps too and GG call the littlest one the baby . Monkey even played in the nursery without crying ! ! ! I think it helped that Aunt Liz was in there . J 's parents went out to dinner for V - day because they were busy yesterday . After church we gave Elizabeth a ride home , we dropped her off and drove away only to run into J 's parents a block away coming home . We stopped and talked . They said they had ice cream if we wanted to go back and have some . We askPosted by Happy Valentine 's Day ! Today turned out differently then we thought it was going to be . I worked this morning at the Y , I took both the kids with me . Then we came home and J went to work . Originally we both had the day off but he got called last night to come in today and so did I . We watched both of the movies last night and just talked and hung out with each other . That was so much fun , it was like a date . So we really celebrated V - day last night . . . you know what we celebrate our love everyday , in all honesty . J sent me a card from the kids which was super cute . Tonight we are planning on going to eat with J at the department . The kids fed their fish this morning before we left and they both got a big kick out of it . Monkey 's fish is so much like him , in that he is goofy . Last night before I went to bed I noticed Fred had his face down and tail up . I thought he had died . I went over and looked , he was still breathing but just sleeping . I have never seen a fish sleep like that . Then I went to get in the bed and Monkey was laying across the bed instead of up and down . See I told you they are alike , they don 't sleep the normal way ! ! ! ! Princess was also chasing Fred the other day and it reminded me of the kids . . . GG is always wanting Monkey to do what she wants . Ok I know I am reading too much into the fish but it is interesting to me , how the 2 fish interact like they were siblings ! Anyway , we aren 't spending the night at J 's parents like planned either because J is working and we don 't want to take two cars for church tomorrow . So we are just going to go to night church . Elizabeth is working in the nursery so Monkey will go in there with no problem because he knows her : ) I can 't wait to get our refund check . . . we will be almost half way to a down payment . J has put me in charge of the money for a few reasons ; 1 ) I am good at making sure we save from each check 2 ) we also get to do fun things with it without spending too much 3 ) He is terrible at balancing the checkbook and 4 ) I want to do it and he doesn 't . Ok wellPosted by The kids and I went to work this morning and I got my first paycheck ! Tons of parents and staff brought in candy for Valentine 's Day so we have so many sweets here : ) J came to get Monkey around 11 and he took a nap at home . Then GG and I got home around 1 and had lunch with our boys . As we were eating Aunt Becky came home from college . They were both excited to see her . Then I got the mail and the kids got mail from their Nana and Grandpa K . they carried the cards around until we had to leave . We went to the bank ( cashed my check ) , got my car washed , went to the video store and rented five movies ( three were free kids movies ) and a game , and then went to Wal - mart . We bought the kids each a fish for Valentine 's Day . Since we didn 't have anything for fish we bought the two fish , a bowl , net , food , and water purifier . I had a small fish tank when I was in college but I got rid of it and everything I had for it : ( It would of came in handy today because it had a water filter , rocks , and scenery . Oh well it was only $ 15 for everything and they both thought it was the coolest thing in the world to get to buy all of that stuff for their pets ! GG named the fish she picked out herself Princess , she is gold and black and Monkey named his fish Fred , he is all gold , we helped him pick it out … remember he loves fish ! ! ! This evening for dinner we had a full house . Grandparents , Becky , J , the kids , and I all ate dinner together . GG did more chatting than eating . She loves being the center of attention and at dinner tonight she was definitely that . I couldn 't get her to stop talking long enough to eat , oh well one bad meal in a week isn 't bad . Tonight J is going to give the kids a bath and I will get to relax and then when they are done we are putting them to bed and watching the movie J picked out The Italian Job . I got How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days not very Valentine 's like but I want to see that movie ! We will watch it tomorrow . I corrected the spelling mistake my wonderful husband pointed out to me , if you didn 't catch it then don 't worry . I worked this morning and took GG with me , and Monkey and J had father / son time . GG went to a class today , which they call preschool but isn 't anything but a playgroup . They had a Valentine 's Day party GG loved that . What they do is play games , have snack , read books , sing songs , and make a craft . It only lasts an hour and a half in the room right next to the nursery . Then she came with me to teach the sports bug class I got recruited to teach . She was really shy during that class I think it was because I was the teacher ? ! ? ! Who knows , she is a 3 year old with her own mind ! Everyone I have talked to say that 3 year olds are harder to handle than 2 year olds . The only difference I see is that she is starting to stretch her wings and wanting to be more independent . The : I can do it myself mind set . But she has to learn to do things on her own sometime , right ? One more thing about work ! As we were leaving GG said to Amanda , " Do you know the line from the Wizard of Oz ? It goes like this I 'll get you my pretty . Do you know that one ? That is what the wicked witch says to the pretty girl . " She went on more about it but I was trying to get us ready to leave ! But she has only seen that movie once and it was about 4 months ago . I don 't know what sparked that memory but it was pretty darn funny to listen to her tell Amanda . Enough of that … when we got home we ate lunch as a family . J is really enjoying being on his own except that he says he gets lonely . Maybe we will get a cell phone and he can call me . Nah they are too expensive and everyone has one , we want to be different : ) After lunch Monkey crashed and I put on the RugRats movie for GG . I laid with her on the couch to watch the movie and I ended up falling asleep for about half an hour . It felt good to take a catnap . Speaking of sleep I slept like a rock last night . I woke up in the middle of the night with a big drool puddle on my pillowPosted by Ok so here goes ! GG had her dance class today . For some reason she didn 't want to do the tap part of the class . But she loved the ballet part . Ms . Julie said they will start with ballet first next week , that 's cool . After the class they had a valentines party . GG was very excited about that . She even shared the candy with Monkey when we got home . I thought that was really sweet of her . Then J left for work , bummer . He has his own car tonight for the first time . I 'm sure he is doing fine . This afternoon I was going to give Monkey a bath , he wanted a bubble bath so it turned into a bubble bath . Of course , GG wanted in the water as soon as it was ready so she got in . I let them play in there for a long time . Their hands were wrinkled ! After the bath GG had to go potty so she got up and said she had to poop . It is so funny how you can have a conversation about poop ! She said , " I have a big poop coming out mom . It is a monster poop ! Here it comes . Do you see it . I told you it was a monster one ! " I ask if she is done . " No I have some more little poops left to come out . " Too funny and of course out of all the funny things she says a day I remember this , right ? Today the kids played with Monkey 's trains , listened to music , played with my hair , GG painted my toe nails ( she used red so it looks like my feet are bleeding ) and they both water painted and colored . Fun times ! More about the toe nail painting . . . this is the first time I let her do this and so I had to close my eyes while she painted because she was messy ! ! ! GG also decided that some of her crayons needed to be broken into two . So needless to say they didn 't fit back in the boxes so I got a Tupperware for them . Monkey painted too and it was really funny because I thought he was done , he put the brush on the table and I picked it up to put it away and he made the funniest noise like . . . hey I wasn 't done , yet so don 't take that . I noticed that noise the other day but I now know why he does it : ) How goofy are my kids ? ! ? ! I can 't guarantee how long this post will be or that I will get to type everything I want to . I 'll start with last night . My little Monkey - man decided that he wanted to be awake from 1 : 30ish to a little after 3am . It wasn 't my decision but I had to live with it ! This morning I took both the kids with me while J slept . He came to get Monkey around 11 and when he walked in I could tell he just woke up . Must be nice ! ! ! GG and I got home a little after 1 and ate lunch . Monkey had taken a nap while I was at work , which I told J to do . So after we finished eating we went shopping . We had so much fun just looking at things . GG and I looked at dresses , hats and purses for Easter . It is so fun shopping with her . She picks out things she would like and I tell her I will keep them in mind and that is good for her . Then when I actually buy the thing she picked out awhile back she knows that I listen to her and love her ! After the clothes we just walked around looking at whatever we wanted too . I was getting ideas for gifts , that I am going to buy with my first paycheck that I get this Friday ! The best part about looking was that we spent less than $ 20 . I will say though I have a list of things I want to get now . . . hehehe . After about 2 hours we came home and started a nice fire . I didn 't have to make dinner tonight either because we had leftovers . So that was nice , we laid by the fire with our feet towards it to warm them up , it really worked . GG tried to blow the fire out too . It was pretty funny , she thought it was like a candle . The evening we spent doing laundry , with the kids help . J and GG played a game together , also . I ordered our friend David Thiele 's CD , can 't wait to get in the mail ! ! ! Right now I am watching Monkey play with the fire screen , J is messing with the fire . He just amazes me at how fast he is starting to talk . Everyday he says new words and uses them in the right way too . I love when they can communicate with words , less of a guessing game ! So all in all we had a wonderful day together as a family . Our adventures for the last two days ! Sunday we didn 't go to Sunday school ( too tired ) but we went to church . At church we were in the parents room , with all the babies , J was holding Morgan who is about 3 months old and Monkey wanted to see the " baby " so I picked him up . I told him to blow her a kiss and instead he started playing peek - a - boo with her . I thought that we really sweet . He and GG both love babies so much . Then after church to J 's parents for lunch . J left for work and the kids and I stayed . . . we spent the night . The kids played with their grandparents and aunt Liz , who they just adore . I was sitting in the living room with Monkey , and GG was in grandma 's bedroom helping make cheese blintzes , she loves to help . I was listening to GG and Sue ( grandma ) talk . I was laughing so hard at their conversation . . . even though I don 't remember any of it now ! ! ! I should really start walking around with a notepad to write down all the funny things they say and do throughout the day , because by the time I get on here I have forgotten a lot of it . Anyways , I really am glad that the kids are spending more time with their grandparents but I am so sad that my mom and step - dad live in New Mexico now . We could of taken day trips to visit them before they moved . Nothing I can do about it , right . But we * all * miss you guys . I just hope one day they will move back here and the kids can have a good relationship with them . I am really looking forward to going there and seeing them for a week ! ! I guess it just goes to show that no matter how old you are you still need your mom near : ) That takes care of the happenings of Sunday ! This morning we hung out with grandpa , he didn 't have to work until this evening . They are lowering the walls in their living room and so the kids were hanging on the 2x4s ! Very cute . Then we went looking at some more cars . . . I know we should just give up : ) The kids stayed with grandpa while we drove the car and had it checked out by our mechanic . We didn 't like the inside of the car but everything else wPosted by Today was my Friday , so to speak . I don 't work tomorrow or Monday . I had a lot of fun with the people working today . So that was cool . I took Monkey with me and GG stayed home with J . Oh yeah J stays on the afternoon shift until April 13th so that is awesome news . I am so glad he isn 't going to midnights ! ! ! Oh yeah at work today I was in the baby room and Monkey was in the big kid room and about 10 minutes later I heard him crying . He looked around and couldn 't find me so he started crying . He than came in the baby room to play . One of these days he won 't care where I am so for now I 'll just enjoy the fact my baby boy likes to be with me . . . all the time : ) Both of my kids are mama 's children , they love spending time with daddy but when push comes to shove they almost always choose me . This probably won 't last though , bummer . Anyways , my college friend Marni , also one of our bridesmaids came over and did our taxes . She totally rocks ! We are getting money back just not as much as I had hoped . I think that J is happy with the amount though . He really wants to buy a second gun . After she finished we had ice cream and just hung out and talked . GG was entertaining her most of the time and Monkey just watched , go figure . Right after she left my dad came home and we ate dinner . I packed a bag for tomorrow and then bathed the kids so we don 't have to do it in the morning . Then grandma came home from church and watched the kids while I ran out to get gas . I was running on fumes . When I came back GG talked her into playing shuts and ladders and candyland . I only play those games with her on a good day because she is a 3 year old that likes to change her mind . . . all the time . It can drive you crazy when playing a game with her . But she did good and then she went to bed like a good little girl . Now I need to get Monkey to sleep so I can go too . . . I was going to say that today was prefect . For the most part it was ! I worked this morning and Monkey came with me and GG stayed and had daddy time then J picked up Monkey and left GG . I came home with GG and we ate lunch together . Then J left : ( After lunch the kids and I all took naps . That was super duper nice . I felt so good after sleeping that hour and a half . Then we decided to go to McDonalds for dinner . My dad walked in right as we were about to leave . He hadn 't eaten so he came with and bought ! Then the kids played at the playground for a little while and then we came home . Now I just need to wear them out so that they will go to bed at a reasonable time ! So the only not prefect part of the day was that J had to go to work . I feel like I don 't see him anymore , which I don 't really . But he has Monday off and so do I so we are going to go , possibly , to the car show in Chicago and maybe check out some more cars ? ! ? ! I just miss him lately , but this will only last a season . Oh I forgot to mention GG has started taking naps again , yes ! The other day she actually let me rock her to sleep and I got to hold her in my arms while she slept like when she was a little baby . This morning the kids went with me to work . It was crazy there two people called in sick . So we were down two adults , we handled it though . My co - worker Amanda thought GG was just the cutest little girl ever . She gave her a big hug and told Amanda that she was super cool . Then she told her about her great grandpa being able to take out his teeth . She still can 't get over that and it happened about 6 months ago , what a sharp little girl to remember that . We came home and J had lunch ready for us that was so sweet of him , he also vacuumed . I ended up staying an extra hour . . . long story . This afternoon GG painted a picture to send to her grandpa , we danced to songs , and the kids helped with laundry . I swear that I do laundry every other day . Ok Monkey was nursing this afternoon and he was done with the one side and sat up and screamed , " other side , other side , other side , other side " until I switched him . What a little stinker : ) Tonight while I made dinner both of the kids took a nap , it was a really late one but a very needed one all the same . I made lasagna and so after dinner they went right to the bath tub . I bathed them and we read books and did the bedtime routine and now GG is in bed , awake , just laying there . AAAHHH another day down . This morning Monkey and I went to work while J and GG stayed home and had daddy / daughter time . They played games and did all kinds of fun things . Monkey was great today at work . The little boy Noah , that he just loves to death , did not get beat up by my him today . I think the problem sometimes is that Monkey really likes Noah and just can 't figure out how to express his like towards him . . . but today he gave him lots of hugs . Good job Monkey ! Anyway we got home right in time to pick up daddy and GG for the dance class . GG was so cute this morning when I told her she had dance today . Last week Ms . Julie was sick so this morning she was like Ms . Julie isn 't sick anymore ? Then she started dancing around , she really loves her dance class . We got home just in time for J to leave for work . Monkey went to sleep and I ate lunch and then GG went to sleep . The two of them have not taken naps at the same time in the longest time . I didn 't know what to do with myself ! ! ! Shortly after they woke up grandma and grandpa came home and I made dinner . We all eat together . . . that has happened like four times since we moved in over 4 months ago . Tonight GG helped me shave my legs ( she likes doing that for some reason ) and put lotion on them . Oh tonight Monkey decided that he was going to get on the couch and jump off of it . Yeah he got hurt . I watched him do it and just couldn 't get to him in time to stop it , I hate when that happens . Which reminds me on Sunday after church when we were eating lunch in the gym Monkey was sitting next to me and I was talking to someone and out of the corner of my eye saw he was going to fall and grabbed him just in time . It was instinctual . . . so I have times where I can get there fast enough and times I can 't . Timing I guess ? ! ? ! I just couldn 't believe he leaped off the couch . I have a dare devil on my hands as well as a monkey . Well I should get off of here and go to bed I have to get up tomorrow for work . That still sounds weird to say . I am going to take GG for sure but maybe bPosted by This morning the kids and I went to work . GG does so great there . She does her own thing , plays with other kids and is just so well behaved . I am so proud of her . Other staff members have commented on how great she does . . . most of their kids have a hard time being there , not my GG ! Now Monkey on the other hand has a harder time , but I must say today he did pretty good . He didn 't ask to nurse while we were there . J came to get him at 11 so he was only there 2 hours . He has started this new thing tonight . He holds up one finger and says something that sounds like he is saying shut up but we don 't use those words so I was trying to think of what words he could be trying to say . The only thing I came up with was " stop it " and so I asked him and he shock his head yes . What a silly little boy . My dad took the day off and so he bought us lunch . That was nice . J left for work and the kids and I did our normal . . . dancing , singing , reading , painting , you know fun stuff ! J came home early tonight which was a great surprise . Tonight GG asked to go to bed at 8 : 30 . This routine is working ! I am so happy and she even went to bed with the lights off . . . she must of been really tired : ) That is all I can think of until tomorrow . Let 's see . . . we had a late morning which was nice . GG got another birthday present in the mail . She loved it ! It was a crown and purse . Then we went to get Monkey 's 18 month pictures taken this afternoon . The girl that took the pictures wanted to put Monkey in a cute baby contest . She thought my baby boy was cute enough for the contest . That made me feel good . I think he is the cutest ever but for someone else to think that is such a nice compliment . We got home and I had to go to a staff meeting for work . J kept the kids home while I went , it was a good thing because it was snowing and just plain yucky out . They will go with me tomorrow anyway so they can play then . After I got home I got the kids ready for bed while J snow plowed the driveway . I also finally got a hold of my friend Marni , she is going to do our taxes this year . J had 5 - W2s this year . That is just plain crazy ! ! ! So we are going to get them done and hopefully get some good money back : ) Oh yeah J got a call from the department tonight saying that he has to be in court tomorrow morning , the suepena came in on a fax to the department , I 'm glad they called . That is why the kids are coming with me in the morning . I think that is about it . . . Super Bowl Sunday ! This morning we went to Sunday school and church . After church they had a lunch in the gym . It was really good beef sandwiches , salad , pasta , and dessert ! We ate with our friends Megan and Chett . We also got the new phone directory from church . So now we will have everyone 's number ! Monkey got a present today from grandpa A . it was tutter from Bear in the Big Blue house . He has carried it everywhere . GG has learned a new song that she just loves to sing . It goes like this : Only a boy named David . Only a rippling brook . Only a boy named David and five little stones he took . And one little stone went into the sling and the sling went round and round . And one little stone went into the sling and the sling went round and round . And round and round and round and round and round and round and round . And one little stone went into the air and the giant came tumbling down . She sings it so cutely . . . is that a word ? When we got home from church the kids both took naps and it gave J and I some alone time : ) We started a fire tonight and it feels so good . I love the way fires look and smell . We are having banana pancakes for dinner , yummy . We watched a little of the Super Bowl but neither one of us are that interested in it this year . We normally watch it . The rest of the night we will be doing family together things , so much fun . Later |
Well here are the significant events of yesterday . Monkey woke up with a low - grade fever so he stayed home with J while GG and I went to work . I think it was due to him teething . Remember I was invited out for " girls night out " they were going downtown Chicago for dinner and fireworks . Well since Monkey wasn 't feeling good I didn 't want to take him with and I didn 't want to leave him either . I needed to do what was best for my babe ! Even though I really wanted to go , I didn 't . There is always next time . We stopped by the department for dinner with DAD before heading to my in - laws for the night ! I stopped at McDonalds for some food first , I know really healthy . We were at the police station for a little over an hour . That was so nice to see him during the night and eat with him ! When we got to my in - laws grandma wasn 't feeling good so we just had a relaxing time there hanging out , it was fun . This morning we went to Sunday school and church . It was such a gorgeous day ! ! ! Sun shining and warm . . . I can 't wait for more permanent spring weather . On the way to church Monkey was in his seat just talking away . He kept naming things he saw through his window . So it was mostly car , tree , car , tree , plane , car , tree , house ! Too cute . GG went to her Sunday school class and Monkey came to ours . Then they both went to the nursery during church . GG wanted to go there instead of children 's church because she wanted to play with Monkey . Who I am to stand in the way of siblings bonding ! Monkey did great again today in the nursery he didn 't cry at all not even 2 minutes like last time : ) It is so nice to sit in church with my husbands arm around me while listening to the sermon . We went back to J 's parents and ate another yummy lunch . Monkey got all wet at lunch trying to use a big boy cup . Then J left and the kids and I hung out for awhile . I ended up getting a much needed hour nap ! Monkey 's mouth was bothering him last night so he nursed ALL NIGHT LONG ! Now we are home and GG is in bed sleeping and Monkey is going to bed soon . SidPosted by I am going to try and make this post short . This morning I took Monkey to work with me and GG and J had together time . They couldn 't wait to tell me all the things they did together . . . they called me at work ! I left earlier then I was schedule because I wanted some time with J . We got to talk and it was much needed on my part , I had a somewhat bad week . Then this evening I went back to work with both kids . I met the most awesome person . She has 6 kids ! We talked about nursing , co - sleeping , and being responsive to our kids . She gave me so many compliments : ) It is always nice to hear that you are doing a good job being the best mom you can be . Then we got home and made homemade pizza . Grandma had a bunch of her church friends over for dinner and GG ate up all the attention . When the first person came in GG said , " Oh family is here ! " What a goof . She loved talking with everyone and they all said that she was adorable . Monkey just kind of just hung out by me . . . he was being shy . Then I brought them downstairs and put them to bed . So we had a good day ! ! ! Lets try this again . It is official that I have my sweet GlamorGirl back because she said the same thing again this morning ! Gosh I love that girl so much . I look at her and think to myself she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen , the smartest little person I have ever known and she has the greatest personality of anyone I have ever met . I know I am a little bias . . . but it is so hard not to think that when everyone tells me the same things I think about her ! I 'm not only talking about family members when I say everyone . . . it is mostly non - family that give me compliments on both of the kids actually . Ok enough about that ! GG went with me this morning because she had her " preschool " class . She painted and did a craft today , very excited to show daddy when he came to pick her up ! J and Monkey got to work the same time I went to pick GG up and so Monkey stood at the window screaming , " Bay ! Bay ! Bay ! " I love the connection they have with each other ( at least today anyway ! ) . Man I tell you Monkey 's vocabulary has really taken off . He says new words everyday . He is learning so much everyday too . My favorite is that he is starting to sing songs ! I love singing with them . This afternoon Monkey took a nap and GG watched a movie and I took a nap . I felt so much better afterwards . I was going to go to bed last night at 9 but I ended up going to bed at 10 because Swiper the fish died . I couldn 't believe it . We bought him Monday and it died Wednesday . So we got our money back , which was nice . J thinks that GG 's fish Princess is toxic and is making the other fish die so we are going to wait until Princess dies then get two new fish and start over . I have a feeling that Princess is going to have a long life too . Good thing Monkey doesn 't really care . Lets see I believe that is about all I have to write about . Both the kids are playing with their micro machines ! Soon it will be bed time for all of us : ) I 'm really not in the mood to write much . But I will say that GG had such a better day today . This morning the first thing out of her mouth was , " It 's a beautiful day today ! " My little sweetheart is back . She had dance class today also . Well I have more I could write about but I really don 't want to write about it . Man I tell you what , GlamorGirl woke up on the wrong side of the bed today . She had the worst day of her entire life today . I think it was due to lack of sleep but man am I glad it is over . She was super sensitive to everyone today . . . crying , not listening , just having an all together bad day . I wasn 't going to take her to work with me but I did anyway . . . big mistake on my part . If a kid looked at her the wrong way she cried , poor girl . Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day . Today J got called into work . He went in because it is good money . I was sad because we planned on checking out a sale and making a fire tonight . Oh well . While I was making dinner tonight my friend Amanda ( from work ) was outside making a bunch of noise to catch my attention . Her and another girl Lisa were standing outside waving their hands like crazy ! Lisa has a little boy born the same day and year as Monkey . I opened the door and we " yelled " back and forth . GG thought that was so neat except she cried when she couldn 't give Amanda a hug , go figure . Amanda and her sister Elyse are at war over my kids . Last Saturday Monkey gave Elyse a hug and so Amanda wanted one from Monkey , which he gave her today . After dinner I gave both kids a bath and put them to bed . I talked to our friends about going to the hockey game and they can go . I am super excited about it . We got invited to an event tonight but I didn 't feel like driving so I stayed home . But maybe if J is home next time they get together we will go . I also got invited to a girls night out with our Sunday school class . They are going to watch the fireworks and then out for dinner in downtown . I haven 't decided if I am going yet . . . maybe if I can find someone to watch GG . I would bring Monkey because it would be too long for him to be away . I guess I am just going to wait and see how much my paycheck is Friday . If it is good I will have money to go out to dinner ! ! ! I got off track today . . . Wow what a day ! GG and I got up and went to work and the boys had guys day in . . . they even ran a few errands together . We came home and did the usual ! Then we went to Wally world to get Monkey a new fish . This time his fish is all black and his name is Swiper . Which reminds me . . . do you remember when I said Monkey was saying something that sounded like shut up ? ? ? Well it turns out he wasn 't say that or stop it he was saying Swiper from Dora . So when he says Swiper it sounds like he is saying shut up so J and I say Monkey 's version of Swiper when we want the other to be quite ! Also this morning Monkey was laying in the bed half awake half asleep saying " Shubup shubup shubup . . . ooooh man ! " J and I laughed : ) Another Monkey thing he has been so into the toilet . Today he put the fish net in there after we put his new fish in the bowl . The other day he put the plunger in the toilet , ( moving it up and down ) it was funny to see him using it in the right way . But gross at the same time ! Yuck . This evening we went grocery shopping as a family . . . just the four of us . That was so nice I can 't wait to start doing that again on a regular basis . . . when we move out ! GG fell asleep in the cart ! She looked so uncomfortable , she can sleep anywhere I tell you . Well now we are home the food is put away and I just gave GG a bath . Now it is bed time . . . even though J is winding them up really good right now . They are jumping on the bed and laughing hysterically . I am going to watch my show I recorded while we were gone . Oh one more thing , last night I nursed Monkey then let him fall asleep on his own . Well he woke up about an hour later crying . I asked J to take him out and rock him , he wouldn 't do it . J said , " Monkey can you stop crying ? " and he stopped crying . Then J said , " Now go to sleep . " He went to sleep . I couldn 't believe it . If I try talking to him he cries harder and louder . So from now on I will let J talk to him at night . It worked perfectly ! ! ! I have a little sad news . . . we lost Fred today . He went to fish heaven ! We just got home from spending the day with J 's family . I 'll get back to that later . For the fish we told the kids the fish died . I think it is best to be honest with them about life and death . When we told Monkey it was funny because he shook his head no , as if he was saying this can 't be true . Then we put Fred in the toilet and said goodbye to him . We let Monkey be the one to flush the toilet . Then GG started crying saying that Princess was going to die too . I told her that we would wash the bowl and get new water and Princess should be ok . She seemed pretty ok with that . We are going to go to the store tomorrow and get Monkey a new fish . . . hopefully this one will be healthier ! This morning we went to church only , I wanted to go to Sunday school but we just didn 't get up in time : ( On the way to church GG had her Bible and she was looking at a picture of Jesus with all the children around him . She said this is God . It was actually Jesus , when he was on Earth . How do you go about telling a 3 year old that God , Jesus and the Holy Spirit ( the trinity ) are the same but at the same time different . The trinity is a hard thing to grasp so how do you explain it to a 3 year old ? We tried our best to explain it to her . One day she will understand better . At church Monkey stayed in the nursery the whole time and had a blast . They said he cried for about 2 minutes and then played . I think he is finally over the separation anxiety ! GG went to children 's church and J and I actually got to sit in the sanctuary together ! ! That was so nice . Then we went to J 's house and had a yummy lunch . It was shrimp something or other ? I forgot the name . I don 't usually care for shrimp but Sue did a great job and I actually liked it ! Then we just hung out talking about tons of stuff with his parents . They are great to talk to about anything and everything . I miss that with my mom , her living so far away it is hard to talk to her because it has to be on the phone and anyonePosted by I am in a better mood now . It is amazing how kids can help you smile again : ) This afternoon we just sat on the couch telling each other secrets and goofing around mainly just laughing together . That helped so much . GG also told me that I am a supermom ! She has been into superheros lately , so I thought that was nice she thought of me like that . . . mom can do anything I need her too . Then after dinner I gave them a bath so they are ready for church in the morning . I just let them play in the tub having fun with each other and me just watching . They are such great kids and I am glad they are mine ! I did take some pictures of them in the bath too I think they will turn out really good . Now the kids are clean and smell so sweet . They are still playing nicely with each other . It seemed the last week they fought more over toys then normal and now they are back to playing together , thank God ! Oh yeah the Y called today and said that GG can go to the next preschool session again free of charge ! That totally rocks : ) It is the closest thing to date that I have found that is somewhat similar to the playgroup we used to go to . The only difference is the parents aren 't there : ( But she has fun and it is FREE ! ! ! ! ! The internet got disconnected last night . . . GRRR . The only one who knows how to router it is J and he was working . So we had to wait for him to fix it this morning . Two things I want to write about yesterday . The first is Monkey fell asleep last night without nursing , yay ! And GG has quite the imagination : ) At work yesterday she was pretending that pillows were babies and her and Rachael were playing house each being the mommy . When we got home and Monkey was sleeping she was pretending she was performing for imaginary people . It was too cute ! She was talking to them and just having a blast . Oh yeah Becky came home from college to do laundry which she hasn 't done yet . I think she is waiting for her mom to get home from her retreat so she can do it . How lazy . Speaking of Becky she ate J 's dinner for work tonight . I was extremely pissed at her , I put his food in a container and said to everyone this is for J . She was like I can make him dinner now . He had to leave for work in an hour , plus why would he want to eat her food , she can 't cook . Just makes me think this summer is going to totally suck . I have a feeling that we are going to have to hide our food down here or Travis and Becky are going to eat it all . They eat like pigs . And I am not joking , Travis eats a half loaf of bread in one sitting and Becky just eats all day long . Ok enough of that , this morning both the kids went with me to work so J could fix the internet . Actually GG 's presence was requested by Elsye . While we were there GG 's pants kept falling off of her so my other co - worker Wiesia ( she is polish ) made her two belts they are really cute ! So when we came home we ate and J and I had some alone time . That was much needed . I am so happy that he is off tomorrow , Monday and Tuesday ! I have a new title at work too . I am the green snot nazi . If the kid comes with green snot we are getting the parents and the kid is leaving the place . I am sick of getting sick from working there . We have a sheet when you sign in that says no green burgers allowed . So itPosted by I have a lot to write about tonight I just hope I can remember it all ! This morning J unexpectedly had to go to court so both kids went with me to work . Before we left Monkey sneezed and had snot running down his face . He said , " mama tistue , tistue ! " I was so proud of him that he wanted a tissue instead of wiping it across his face : ) GG had her last class of preschool today at the Y . She brought snacks for the class and was really excited about that . Afterwards when I went to pick her up the teacher told me how smart she was . I , of course , had to ask what she did . She was talking up a storm like always and was telling her teacher where we live . She gave the address . . . number , street name , and city . The teacher repeated it back to me to see if she was right and she was ! Soon after J became a police officer we thought it would be a good idea for her to learn where she lived in case she ever got lost or separated from us . She also knows if someone asks her what her mommy 's name is to say Tonya and our last name . Same for if they ask about daddy . I know I sound paranoid , well I am , I don 't ever want to lose my children . Since we are talking about GG I have been forgetting to write about how she can zip her own coat . She hasn 't let anyone zip it for her in a month . . . when she learned how ! Very proud of herself for yet another feat that makes her more independent ! J came to work after his court to pick up Monkey and met my friend and co - worker Amanda . GG was a little upset that she couldn 't go with daddy so I let her help me in the baby room . She is such a little mother ! If a baby started to cry she would go and try to comfort it . We had 8 babies under 12 months and only two employees in there . . . so some babies just had to cry until we could comfort them . She was a great help to us today . I think her favorite part was holding the bottle for one of the babies , it had breastmilk in it too ! Then we came home and spend some time with J before he had work . This afternoon Monkey didn 't take a nap because he slept for J in the Posted by Busy busy day today . I got up before everyone and got ready then I woke GG up and dressed and fed her . Then us girls went to work together . It was really busy today . My co - worker Chris ' little boy Noah , the one Monkey loves to death , got bit . I was the only one who saw it and I had to write my first incident report . That was fun , not . Then we got home just in time to pick up our boys to go to GG 's dance class . She did great today in the class , no wanting me to be in the room . Then we came home and ate lunch as soon as we were done eating it was time for J to go to work . Then the children and I cleaned the fish bowl . They had so much fun helping me . . . I am glad they are interested in taking care of the fish . They feed them and help take care of them . Then I put Monkey down for a nap and GG and I watched another movie together , that is becoming our afternoon together time . I love snuggling with her . Then we made dinner , ate and I gave GG a bath while Monkey watched . After her bath she went and laid in the bed it was only 6 : 45 ! So I told her she still needed to brush her teeth , let me blow dry her hair , and read books . I was doing everything I could think of to keep her awake longer . I couldn 't believe my baby girl wanted to go to bed so early . She went to sleep at 7 and Monkey followed shortly after at 7 : 45pm . I don 't know what to do with myself , hehehe . I was going to scrapbook but I didn 't get a nap today so I am pretty tired I just might go to bed . Hmm . . . I don 't think I have been in bed before 9 in the longest time . ~ Julie if you read this I loved your journal entry about Jonathon ! I actually got the idea from someone else but I liked it all the same : ) Tell him Happy birthday from us ~ Well that is all for tonight . Peace Out ! We just got home from the LLL meeting it is 9 : 40 ! Anyways both the kids fell asleep in the car on the way home . I brought GG in the house first in case Monkey woke up and wanted to nurse I didn 't want her sitting in the car . So I laid her on the bed and covered her with the blanket I made her , as soon as the blanket was on her she smiled and said , " Mmmm " . That just made me feel all warm inside . The blanket I made her gives her comfort . Before the meeting I told GG that if she didn 't listen to mommy she couldn 't go to work with me tomorrow . She was the best behaved little girl even more so than usual . Today she didn 't go to work with me for a punishment she did the other day . When she asked if she could go I told her no because of what she did yesterday . Of course , I was a little more specific with her . It clicked ! She loves going to work so if she misses it because she was naughty she makes sure that doesn 't happen again . I did take Monkey with me today . We got home and ate then I put him down for a nap and was too tired to do anything really special with GG so I asked her if she wanted to watch a movie and cuddle with me on the couch . She loved that idea so we put in Rugrats and watched together . I fell asleep during it but she didn 't know , so got rested and she was happy . Then when the movie was over and Monkey woke up we put on my new CD and danced together . Then time for dinner and out the door for our meeting . So that was our day in a nutshell . No work today , which means I got to sleep in ! I am really tired right now so I will try and give you highlights from today that I can remember . This morning GG decided that her dolls needed to wear diapers . So she got into Monkey 's diapers and put them on her dolls . It was pretty funny . She is my little mother in the making . She didn 't ruin any of the diapers either , which is a plus . Both of the kids took naps at the same time today . I was going to do some scrapbooking but I figured that by the time I got all the stuff out they would be awake . My plan is to start scrapbooking after they go to bed at night . This afternoon GG and I made a grocery list together again . She thinks that is pretty neat to be included in what we buy for food . The way I see it , I would rather buy things she wants to eat then things she won 't touch . In the store she helped pick out the treats for her class on Thursday , we got apple juice boxes , fruit snacks , and string cheese . I will say that I am so thankful that my kids aren 't allergic to peanuts . I picked up a couple things I thought would be good snacks and the ingredients in big bold letters said might contain traces of peanut . I really wouldn 't know what to do if they were allergic considering they eat pb & j for lunch all the time . We got home and unpacked the groceries , the kids helped . Then we came downstairs and watched " our " show we watch together every week . It is probably the only show on tv that is still kid friendly . GG played with my hair too . This evening has been interesting . Monkey went to sleep so I laid him in bed ( GG was laying there wide awake ) then 15 minutes later GG comes out wanting to snuggle with me on the couch . I knew I shouldn 't but I really wanted to snuggle with her so I let her stay out with me . Then 45 minutes later Monkey woke up . We are still working on him going back to sleep without nursing so I rocked and rocked and rocked until he fell asleep , took about 30 minutes . GG was lying on the couch still , while I handled Monkey , she fell asPosted by Our day . We didn 't go to church this morning because J worked last night . So we slept in until 9am ! ! ! That was nice . . . even though the kids were awake at 7 : 30 they watched cartoons . We went and did lots of things today . We bought some Christmas presents , I know it is a little early but it is easier on the budget when we buy throughout the year . We took the kids to McDonalds for being good while we were shopping . Then we went to J 's parents , GG walked into g & g 's room and said , " Look at me . Don 't I look super cute ! " What a little stinker . On the way to there house she said something funny in the car . She had a hat the string had broken so she asked , " Hey can you my parents fix this hat . " We just looked at each other and couldn 't help but laugh . She normally refers to us as my mommy or my daddy . Come to think of it she has said a lot of silly things today . Like she had to go to the bathroom so we stopped at the station . She said , " Are we going to have some more pizza ? " We ate pizza last night when we went . Oh yeah both the kids loved being at the police department . We got to meet some of daddy 's friends and they got to see where he goes to work when he leaves home . GG kept saying , " This is so neat ! " Anyways , J put together GG 's big wheel , she and Monkey had a lot of fun taking turns riding it through the house . We ate dinner there and then went to night church . That was awesome . They had a harpist come and do a concert . He played and we sang it was so uplifting . I was just mesmerized watching his hands move across the harp . It is such a beautiful sound . He had three size harps too and GG call the littlest one the baby . Monkey even played in the nursery without crying ! ! ! I think it helped that Aunt Liz was in there . J 's parents went out to dinner for V - day because they were busy yesterday . After church we gave Elizabeth a ride home , we dropped her off and drove away only to run into J 's parents a block away coming home . We stopped and talked . They said they had ice cream if we wanted to go back and have some . We askPosted by Happy Valentine 's Day ! Today turned out differently then we thought it was going to be . I worked this morning at the Y , I took both the kids with me . Then we came home and J went to work . Originally we both had the day off but he got called last night to come in today and so did I . We watched both of the movies last night and just talked and hung out with each other . That was so much fun , it was like a date . So we really celebrated V - day last night . . . you know what we celebrate our love everyday , in all honesty . J sent me a card from the kids which was super cute . Tonight we are planning on going to eat with J at the department . The kids fed their fish this morning before we left and they both got a big kick out of it . Monkey 's fish is so much like him , in that he is goofy . Last night before I went to bed I noticed Fred had his face down and tail up . I thought he had died . I went over and looked , he was still breathing but just sleeping . I have never seen a fish sleep like that . Then I went to get in the bed and Monkey was laying across the bed instead of up and down . See I told you they are alike , they don 't sleep the normal way ! ! ! ! Princess was also chasing Fred the other day and it reminded me of the kids . . . GG is always wanting Monkey to do what she wants . Ok I know I am reading too much into the fish but it is interesting to me , how the 2 fish interact like they were siblings ! Anyway , we aren 't spending the night at J 's parents like planned either because J is working and we don 't want to take two cars for church tomorrow . So we are just going to go to night church . Elizabeth is working in the nursery so Monkey will go in there with no problem because he knows her : ) I can 't wait to get our refund check . . . we will be almost half way to a down payment . J has put me in charge of the money for a few reasons ; 1 ) I am good at making sure we save from each check 2 ) we also get to do fun things with it without spending too much 3 ) He is terrible at balancing the checkbook and 4 ) I want to do it and he doesn 't . Ok wellPosted by The kids and I went to work this morning and I got my first paycheck ! Tons of parents and staff brought in candy for Valentine 's Day so we have so many sweets here : ) J came to get Monkey around 11 and he took a nap at home . Then GG and I got home around 1 and had lunch with our boys . As we were eating Aunt Becky came home from college . They were both excited to see her . Then I got the mail and the kids got mail from their Nana and Grandpa K . they carried the cards around until we had to leave . We went to the bank ( cashed my check ) , got my car washed , went to the video store and rented five movies ( three were free kids movies ) and a game , and then went to Wal - mart . We bought the kids each a fish for Valentine 's Day . Since we didn 't have anything for fish we bought the two fish , a bowl , net , food , and water purifier . I had a small fish tank when I was in college but I got rid of it and everything I had for it : ( It would of came in handy today because it had a water filter , rocks , and scenery . Oh well it was only $ 15 for everything and they both thought it was the coolest thing in the world to get to buy all of that stuff for their pets ! GG named the fish she picked out herself Princess , she is gold and black and Monkey named his fish Fred , he is all gold , we helped him pick it out … remember he loves fish ! ! ! This evening for dinner we had a full house . Grandparents , Becky , J , the kids , and I all ate dinner together . GG did more chatting than eating . She loves being the center of attention and at dinner tonight she was definitely that . I couldn 't get her to stop talking long enough to eat , oh well one bad meal in a week isn 't bad . Tonight J is going to give the kids a bath and I will get to relax and then when they are done we are putting them to bed and watching the movie J picked out The Italian Job . I got How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days not very Valentine 's like but I want to see that movie ! We will watch it tomorrow . I corrected the spelling mistake my wonderful husband pointed out to me , if you didn 't catch it then don 't worry . I worked this morning and took GG with me , and Monkey and J had father / son time . GG went to a class today , which they call preschool but isn 't anything but a playgroup . They had a Valentine 's Day party GG loved that . What they do is play games , have snack , read books , sing songs , and make a craft . It only lasts an hour and a half in the room right next to the nursery . Then she came with me to teach the sports bug class I got recruited to teach . She was really shy during that class I think it was because I was the teacher ? ! ? ! Who knows , she is a 3 year old with her own mind ! Everyone I have talked to say that 3 year olds are harder to handle than 2 year olds . The only difference I see is that she is starting to stretch her wings and wanting to be more independent . The : I can do it myself mind set . But she has to learn to do things on her own sometime , right ? One more thing about work ! As we were leaving GG said to Amanda , " Do you know the line from the Wizard of Oz ? It goes like this I 'll get you my pretty . Do you know that one ? That is what the wicked witch says to the pretty girl . " She went on more about it but I was trying to get us ready to leave ! But she has only seen that movie once and it was about 4 months ago . I don 't know what sparked that memory but it was pretty darn funny to listen to her tell Amanda . Enough of that … when we got home we ate lunch as a family . J is really enjoying being on his own except that he says he gets lonely . Maybe we will get a cell phone and he can call me . Nah they are too expensive and everyone has one , we want to be different : ) After lunch Monkey crashed and I put on the RugRats movie for GG . I laid with her on the couch to watch the movie and I ended up falling asleep for about half an hour . It felt good to take a catnap . Speaking of sleep I slept like a rock last night . I woke up in the middle of the night with a big drool puddle on my pillowPosted by Ok so here goes ! GG had her dance class today . For some reason she didn 't want to do the tap part of the class . But she loved the ballet part . Ms . Julie said they will start with ballet first next week , that 's cool . After the class they had a valentines party . GG was very excited about that . She even shared the candy with Monkey when we got home . I thought that was really sweet of her . Then J left for work , bummer . He has his own car tonight for the first time . I 'm sure he is doing fine . This afternoon I was going to give Monkey a bath , he wanted a bubble bath so it turned into a bubble bath . Of course , GG wanted in the water as soon as it was ready so she got in . I let them play in there for a long time . Their hands were wrinkled ! After the bath GG had to go potty so she got up and said she had to poop . It is so funny how you can have a conversation about poop ! She said , " I have a big poop coming out mom . It is a monster poop ! Here it comes . Do you see it . I told you it was a monster one ! " I ask if she is done . " No I have some more little poops left to come out . " Too funny and of course out of all the funny things she says a day I remember this , right ? Today the kids played with Monkey 's trains , listened to music , played with my hair , GG painted my toe nails ( she used red so it looks like my feet are bleeding ) and they both water painted and colored . Fun times ! More about the toe nail painting . . . this is the first time I let her do this and so I had to close my eyes while she painted because she was messy ! ! ! GG also decided that some of her crayons needed to be broken into two . So needless to say they didn 't fit back in the boxes so I got a Tupperware for them . Monkey painted too and it was really funny because I thought he was done , he put the brush on the table and I picked it up to put it away and he made the funniest noise like . . . hey I wasn 't done , yet so don 't take that . I noticed that noise the other day but I now know why he does it : ) How goofy are my kids ? ! ? ! I can 't guarantee how long this post will be or that I will get to type everything I want to . I 'll start with last night . My little Monkey - man decided that he wanted to be awake from 1 : 30ish to a little after 3am . It wasn 't my decision but I had to live with it ! This morning I took both the kids with me while J slept . He came to get Monkey around 11 and when he walked in I could tell he just woke up . Must be nice ! ! ! GG and I got home a little after 1 and ate lunch . Monkey had taken a nap while I was at work , which I told J to do . So after we finished eating we went shopping . We had so much fun just looking at things . GG and I looked at dresses , hats and purses for Easter . It is so fun shopping with her . She picks out things she would like and I tell her I will keep them in mind and that is good for her . Then when I actually buy the thing she picked out awhile back she knows that I listen to her and love her ! After the clothes we just walked around looking at whatever we wanted too . I was getting ideas for gifts , that I am going to buy with my first paycheck that I get this Friday ! The best part about looking was that we spent less than $ 20 . I will say though I have a list of things I want to get now . . . hehehe . After about 2 hours we came home and started a nice fire . I didn 't have to make dinner tonight either because we had leftovers . So that was nice , we laid by the fire with our feet towards it to warm them up , it really worked . GG tried to blow the fire out too . It was pretty funny , she thought it was like a candle . The evening we spent doing laundry , with the kids help . J and GG played a game together , also . I ordered our friend David Thiele 's CD , can 't wait to get in the mail ! ! ! Right now I am watching Monkey play with the fire screen , J is messing with the fire . He just amazes me at how fast he is starting to talk . Everyday he says new words and uses them in the right way too . I love when they can communicate with words , less of a guessing game ! So all in all we had a wonderful day together as a family . Our adventures for the last two days ! Sunday we didn 't go to Sunday school ( too tired ) but we went to church . At church we were in the parents room , with all the babies , J was holding Morgan who is about 3 months old and Monkey wanted to see the " baby " so I picked him up . I told him to blow her a kiss and instead he started playing peek - a - boo with her . I thought that we really sweet . He and GG both love babies so much . Then after church to J 's parents for lunch . J left for work and the kids and I stayed . . . we spent the night . The kids played with their grandparents and aunt Liz , who they just adore . I was sitting in the living room with Monkey , and GG was in grandma 's bedroom helping make cheese blintzes , she loves to help . I was listening to GG and Sue ( grandma ) talk . I was laughing so hard at their conversation . . . even though I don 't remember any of it now ! ! ! I should really start walking around with a notepad to write down all the funny things they say and do throughout the day , because by the time I get on here I have forgotten a lot of it . Anyways , I really am glad that the kids are spending more time with their grandparents but I am so sad that my mom and step - dad live in New Mexico now . We could of taken day trips to visit them before they moved . Nothing I can do about it , right . But we * all * miss you guys . I just hope one day they will move back here and the kids can have a good relationship with them . I am really looking forward to going there and seeing them for a week ! ! I guess it just goes to show that no matter how old you are you still need your mom near : ) That takes care of the happenings of Sunday ! This morning we hung out with grandpa , he didn 't have to work until this evening . They are lowering the walls in their living room and so the kids were hanging on the 2x4s ! Very cute . Then we went looking at some more cars . . . I know we should just give up : ) The kids stayed with grandpa while we drove the car and had it checked out by our mechanic . We didn 't like the inside of the car but everything else wPosted by Today was my Friday , so to speak . I don 't work tomorrow or Monday . I had a lot of fun with the people working today . So that was cool . I took Monkey with me and GG stayed home with J . Oh yeah J stays on the afternoon shift until April 13th so that is awesome news . I am so glad he isn 't going to midnights ! ! ! Oh yeah at work today I was in the baby room and Monkey was in the big kid room and about 10 minutes later I heard him crying . He looked around and couldn 't find me so he started crying . He than came in the baby room to play . One of these days he won 't care where I am so for now I 'll just enjoy the fact my baby boy likes to be with me . . . all the time : ) Both of my kids are mama 's children , they love spending time with daddy but when push comes to shove they almost always choose me . This probably won 't last though , bummer . Anyways , my college friend Marni , also one of our bridesmaids came over and did our taxes . She totally rocks ! We are getting money back just not as much as I had hoped . I think that J is happy with the amount though . He really wants to buy a second gun . After she finished we had ice cream and just hung out and talked . GG was entertaining her most of the time and Monkey just watched , go figure . Right after she left my dad came home and we ate dinner . I packed a bag for tomorrow and then bathed the kids so we don 't have to do it in the morning . Then grandma came home from church and watched the kids while I ran out to get gas . I was running on fumes . When I came back GG talked her into playing shuts and ladders and candyland . I only play those games with her on a good day because she is a 3 year old that likes to change her mind . . . all the time . It can drive you crazy when playing a game with her . But she did good and then she went to bed like a good little girl . Now I need to get Monkey to sleep so I can go too . . . I was going to say that today was prefect . For the most part it was ! I worked this morning and Monkey came with me and GG stayed and had daddy time then J picked up Monkey and left GG . I came home with GG and we ate lunch together . Then J left : ( After lunch the kids and I all took naps . That was super duper nice . I felt so good after sleeping that hour and a half . Then we decided to go to McDonalds for dinner . My dad walked in right as we were about to leave . He hadn 't eaten so he came with and bought ! Then the kids played at the playground for a little while and then we came home . Now I just need to wear them out so that they will go to bed at a reasonable time ! So the only not prefect part of the day was that J had to go to work . I feel like I don 't see him anymore , which I don 't really . But he has Monday off and so do I so we are going to go , possibly , to the car show in Chicago and maybe check out some more cars ? ! ? ! I just miss him lately , but this will only last a season . Oh I forgot to mention GG has started taking naps again , yes ! The other day she actually let me rock her to sleep and I got to hold her in my arms while she slept like when she was a little baby . This morning the kids went with me to work . It was crazy there two people called in sick . So we were down two adults , we handled it though . My co - worker Amanda thought GG was just the cutest little girl ever . She gave her a big hug and told Amanda that she was super cool . Then she told her about her great grandpa being able to take out his teeth . She still can 't get over that and it happened about 6 months ago , what a sharp little girl to remember that . We came home and J had lunch ready for us that was so sweet of him , he also vacuumed . I ended up staying an extra hour . . . long story . This afternoon GG painted a picture to send to her grandpa , we danced to songs , and the kids helped with laundry . I swear that I do laundry every other day . Ok Monkey was nursing this afternoon and he was done with the one side and sat up and screamed , " other side , other side , other side , other side " until I switched him . What a little stinker : ) Tonight while I made dinner both of the kids took a nap , it was a really late one but a very needed one all the same . I made lasagna and so after dinner they went right to the bath tub . I bathed them and we read books and did the bedtime routine and now GG is in bed , awake , just laying there . AAAHHH another day down . This morning Monkey and I went to work while J and GG stayed home and had daddy / daughter time . They played games and did all kinds of fun things . Monkey was great today at work . The little boy Noah , that he just loves to death , did not get beat up by my him today . I think the problem sometimes is that Monkey really likes Noah and just can 't figure out how to express his like towards him . . . but today he gave him lots of hugs . Good job Monkey ! Anyway we got home right in time to pick up daddy and GG for the dance class . GG was so cute this morning when I told her she had dance today . Last week Ms . Julie was sick so this morning she was like Ms . Julie isn 't sick anymore ? Then she started dancing around , she really loves her dance class . We got home just in time for J to leave for work . Monkey went to sleep and I ate lunch and then GG went to sleep . The two of them have not taken naps at the same time in the longest time . I didn 't know what to do with myself ! ! ! Shortly after they woke up grandma and grandpa came home and I made dinner . We all eat together . . . that has happened like four times since we moved in over 4 months ago . Tonight GG helped me shave my legs ( she likes doing that for some reason ) and put lotion on them . Oh tonight Monkey decided that he was going to get on the couch and jump off of it . Yeah he got hurt . I watched him do it and just couldn 't get to him in time to stop it , I hate when that happens . Which reminds me on Sunday after church when we were eating lunch in the gym Monkey was sitting next to me and I was talking to someone and out of the corner of my eye saw he was going to fall and grabbed him just in time . It was instinctual . . . so I have times where I can get there fast enough and times I can 't . Timing I guess ? ! ? ! I just couldn 't believe he leaped off the couch . I have a dare devil on my hands as well as a monkey . Well I should get off of here and go to bed I have to get up tomorrow for work . That still sounds weird to say . I am going to take GG for sure but maybe bPosted by This morning the kids and I went to work . GG does so great there . She does her own thing , plays with other kids and is just so well behaved . I am so proud of her . Other staff members have commented on how great she does . . . most of their kids have a hard time being there , not my GG ! Now Monkey on the other hand has a harder time , but I must say today he did pretty good . He didn 't ask to nurse while we were there . J came to get him at 11 so he was only there 2 hours . He has started this new thing tonight . He holds up one finger and says something that sounds like he is saying shut up but we don 't use those words so I was trying to think of what words he could be trying to say . The only thing I came up with was " stop it " and so I asked him and he shock his head yes . What a silly little boy . My dad took the day off and so he bought us lunch . That was nice . J left for work and the kids and I did our normal . . . dancing , singing , reading , painting , you know fun stuff ! J came home early tonight which was a great surprise . Tonight GG asked to go to bed at 8 : 30 . This routine is working ! I am so happy and she even went to bed with the lights off . . . she must of been really tired : ) That is all I can think of until tomorrow . Let 's see . . . we had a late morning which was nice . GG got another birthday present in the mail . She loved it ! It was a crown and purse . Then we went to get Monkey 's 18 month pictures taken this afternoon . The girl that took the pictures wanted to put Monkey in a cute baby contest . She thought my baby boy was cute enough for the contest . That made me feel good . I think he is the cutest ever but for someone else to think that is such a nice compliment . We got home and I had to go to a staff meeting for work . J kept the kids home while I went , it was a good thing because it was snowing and just plain yucky out . They will go with me tomorrow anyway so they can play then . After I got home I got the kids ready for bed while J snow plowed the driveway . I also finally got a hold of my friend Marni , she is going to do our taxes this year . J had 5 - W2s this year . That is just plain crazy ! ! ! So we are going to get them done and hopefully get some good money back : ) Oh yeah J got a call from the department tonight saying that he has to be in court tomorrow morning , the suepena came in on a fax to the department , I 'm glad they called . That is why the kids are coming with me in the morning . I think that is about it . . . Super Bowl Sunday ! This morning we went to Sunday school and church . After church they had a lunch in the gym . It was really good beef sandwiches , salad , pasta , and dessert ! We ate with our friends Megan and Chett . We also got the new phone directory from church . So now we will have everyone 's number ! Monkey got a present today from grandpa A . it was tutter from Bear in the Big Blue house . He has carried it everywhere . GG has learned a new song that she just loves to sing . It goes like this : Only a boy named David . Only a rippling brook . Only a boy named David and five little stones he took . And one little stone went into the sling and the sling went round and round . And one little stone went into the sling and the sling went round and round . And round and round and round and round and round and round and round . And one little stone went into the air and the giant came tumbling down . She sings it so cutely . . . is that a word ? When we got home from church the kids both took naps and it gave J and I some alone time : ) We started a fire tonight and it feels so good . I love the way fires look and smell . We are having banana pancakes for dinner , yummy . We watched a little of the Super Bowl but neither one of us are that interested in it this year . We normally watch it . The rest of the night we will be doing family together things , so much fun . Later |
The question was , how did I first find out about Baba ? It really started with , . . . I would hike across the mountains to Tassajara Hot Springs . I would go with the manager , the co - owner of Esalen , Dick Price . And particularly during the winter practice period , Tassajara was their mountain Zen Center , which belonged to the San Francisco Zen Center . And their guru was Suzuki Roshi . Suzuki Roshi was a truly great man , a great man , great saintly being . And it was wonderful . I 'd sit zazen , but that never really attracted me so much . I just loved being around him , wherever he was . When we went during the winter practice period , because that 's the time when the Zen Center is not open to the public . We came from Esalen , and it was fine with them for us to be there and join them in their practice . And I would Rolf these monks that were living there . It was always an amazing experience for me . These guys had so much anger . It was so amazing for me . It was all unexpressed , because they sit for 10 hours a day facing a wall , with their eyes open . So , I considered my guru as Suzuki Roshi . He wrote a little booklet called , Zen Mind , Beginner 's Mind . Wonderful little aphorisms of Zen practice . I wasn 't looking for any other teacher . This was well into my stay at Esalen . Previous to that I had a Jewish background , but there was no real interest in spiritual stuff . It was really Suzuki that got me interested in some sitting . This was maybe 1961 in 1962 . No I came to Esalen in 1965 . I went to Israel and to Greece in 1962 . And then applied from Greece for the first residential program at Esalen . And that was in 1964 . In 1965 I was done with that . I ended up staying . Rolfing came later . Ida Rolf came to Esalen around 67 or 68 . When she was doing her first class , she would not accept me , because I was too disfigured , for her . I had to wait until she would do an experimental program , that involved doing a lot of physiological measurements in the hospital , working on the eight or 10 models that she had , and then taking some more tests and pictures . It was a whole trip . She saw me as the ideal model for someone with scoliosis . She was living with me . I 've moved out of the house , to let her in . I offered it to her . She came out there to work on Fritz Pearls . Fritz Pearls was the famous curmudgeon who invented gestalt therapy . Then she fell in love with Big Sur . She wanted to stay around , and so she decided to do a class . It didn 't work for me , but she stayed in my place . And so I was at Esalen when she was at Esalen . She would drive north of San Francisco , and I would have to drive north of San Francisco . It was over 100 miles to this mental hospital , just to get the Rolfing . It was insane , but it showed my dedication to it . It was after that time , but before I went off to England for the acupuncture training . It was after my nine - month internship at Esalen . We didn 't have any spiritual interests as such . It was all secular . Nevertheless , it was Esalen bringing out a new paradigm into the world about how to live a more successful life . It was then I discovered Suzuki . I took him as my teacher , although I wasn 't all that interested in Zen . And then , one day , I was doing my laundry at the Esalen community laundry facility . I was alone in there , waiting for my clothes to dry . They have a free box there , and people put their stuff in there . Esalen was really a commune . Nobody tried to owned very much , and we all shared everything . And we never watched television , and we never listened to radio , and we never saw movies or newspapers . And we were doing our own thing , it was that kind of a place . It was all very advanced , really experimental . Lots of different kinds of it psychological programs . I can talk to you about that sometime , it was really fascinating , some of the things that we would do . That we experimented with . I 'm waiting for my clothes to dry , and I reach into the free box for and find a book . The cover had been torn off . I sort of scanned through it . It appeared to be a series of talks , speeches , that had been recorded by this person called Sathya Sai Baba . It said , Sathya Sai Speaks volume 2 . It sounded like an Indian guru , and I was just leafing through it . A lot of the words I couldn 't understand , but it was obviously talking about something Indian . Occasionally some interesting few sentences also . And so , I 'm just scanning through it , but I didn 't have much interest in it . Until I suddenly saw the word " Chinese . " Also , by way of background , when I was 17 I joined the Army at the very end of the war , they sent me to Korea . I was part of the American forces that were disarming the Japanese . We divided Korea and half , with the Russians coming down to the 30th parallel , and we went up to the 30th parallel . That was South and North Korea at that time . It was before the Korean War . The Korean War happened some four or five years later after I got there . During the time that I was there - - I was in Korea for three years - - they needed some people in Shanghai . There was an American army contingent in Shanghai , and also in Japan . Gen . MacArthur was the head guy in Japan , and brought democracy back to Japan . So , I was sent to China , and spent some time in Shanghai . It was grand , it was just wonderful . But , Shanghai was about to fall to the red Chinese , to Mao Tse - tung . It was still under Chiang Kai - shek , who was head of Nationalist China . The Nationalists went to Taiwan , some two weeks after we left there . After we pulled out , the Chinese Communists came in . Towards the latter part of my being there , it was just turmoil . People knowing that there was going to be a major shift in government and moving into communist government . Before that it was a very open port , and lots of things were happening in Shanghai . There were more loose women in Shanghai , than probably any other part of the world . There was more money in Shanghai than even in Hong Kong . It was just a major transit center for many people and money things . I found myself , when I got there , interested in learning more about China . I was guided to the Nei Ching , or " Canon of Internal Medicine , " and the Tao Te Ching , the I Ching , all these Chings , which are the ancient wisdom teachings of China . Particularly the Taoist teachings . I 'm saying this all by the way of background , to tell you where my head was that . And so , I 'm certainly not interested in an Indian teacher , but I 'm looking through the book , and I see the word " Chinese . " So I wonder , what does this man have to say about the Chinese . And he 's reporting , it was obviously his birthday , because he just said , " that you 've all come for my birthday . " So it 's obviously November 23rd , 1962 . And in the fall of 1962 , we had the Cuban missile crisis . Which was a major thing for all of us . Particularly for me , because I was part of the Defense Department 's effort , at that time , to create ballistic missiles , and missile programs . I was very much aware of some of the targeting that we used , against the Soviet forces . At that time , we were within 20 or 25 minutes close to a total nuclear annihilation . There were 700 or 800 planes , SAC Strategic Air Force planes in the air , with huge bombs . Each one of their nuclear weapons was between 200 and 500 times the size of the bomb that was dropped on Hiroshima . They were ready to fly against the Russians invading Berlin , and overrunning Europe . And we had all these missiles also , we had the Atlas and the Titan and the Minuteman missiles which were all intercontinental ballistic missiles . We had all those in place . Many of them were in protected silos . And so , if we were going to bomb Cuba , and the Russians would send off some missiles against us , we were ready to launch over 1000 missiles . It would have been a total gehanna , annihilation . So I was very much aware of that , and in the middle of the Cuban missile crisis , the Chinese Communists invaded India . It was sort of a border war , but they went deep inside India . Some 30 or 40 miles into India . They overwhelmed the Indian forces , and they could 've gone all the way to Delhi . They were in the Indus Plain . As if Kennedy didn 't have enough to do , now he would have to deal with China invading India as well . But India was not really our partner . They were really friends with the Soviets , more than the Americans . Nevertheless , it was a big deal at that time . And so I was aware of all that . Here this Indian guru is saying that you 're all very worried about the Chinese . The Chinese , as you know , have invaded our motherland . Many of our sons have fallen . But , realize , that my birthday will not be spoiled by any bad news . In fact it will be rewarded by very happy news . The Chinese can do India and no harm , because India has Krishna on its side . Wherever there is Krishna , there will be victory . And so , already the trumpets of victory will have sounded . I was amazed that somebody gave himself a birthday present by claiming he 's going to get this whole Chinese army of a quarter million or half 1 million men out of his country ? And then I looked on the next page , which was given the day after birthday and he said , " By now you will all know , that by November 22 midnight , the last Chinese soldier was out of India . Man is impelled forward by the asuric Shakti , by the demonic , and the divine will pick him up by the neck and throw him out . And so , we 've had definitely and positively good news . " I was reading this , and I was just amazed . Who is this guy , Sai Baba ? Now , the funny thing was that this very day , it was a Friday , after months of all kinds of negotiations , we got this Englishman who had been under house arrest in China , which was at this point under the rule of the Chinese Communists . His name was John Blofeld , Professor Blofeld . He had written many books on Taoist philosophy . We had sent a ticket from Esalen , to him , in China . They gave him a visa and they let him leave , and that very day he was coming to Esalen , to Big Sur . He had arrived at San Francisco . He had an overnight in San Francisco and he came down to Big Sur . He was going to do a workshop that weekend , on Taoist teachings . I planned to go to it . That first evening he was giving a little bit of a talk on China , on what China was like . He had lived in China for years and years . The Chinese Communists during the Cultural Revolution weren 't so happy with him , and he had been under house arrest . Blofeld said that in the West we consider the Chinese as inscrutable . We just cannot understand how they think and what they 're about . But you have to realize that the Chinese are deeply enmeshed in their own culture , in their historic culture . And he said that even at the top government places , and among the people running the Army , they will not make a move unless they check with their holy books , such as the I Ching , and the Nei Ching . ( 21 : 55 , 9 : 57am ) And so , let me give you an example , he said . In 1962 , this is 1968 or so or 1969 . In 1962 the Chinese invaded India , and they came in great force . And then , one night , completely inexplicably , they were at the height of their success , their whole army just withdrew back across to China , without having gained anything by their invasion . They didn 't get a change in the border , nothing happened . It just couldn 't be understood in the West . Why did they do that ? Why did they suddenly decide to withdraw ? And he said , " Look in the I Ching . " So he pulled out the I Ching , and said we 'll look at the quatrain number 63 or something . And he read off something about how the wise man , when he is winning , when he is at the height of his success , always steps back and sharpens his tools . Some sort of silliness by Western minds . He said , this is how the Chinese think . And so , they made their mark , everybody knew their power and what they could do , and they just pulled back . And I said , " Prof . Blofeld , there is another possibility for what happened . If you allow me , I 'm just going to run over to the laundry place and find a book that I read today . It was in the free box . " So I got the book , and I showed him , and I said " Just read these paragraphs , and then look on the next page , and read these paragraphs . " He was sort of a red - faced Englishman , and his eyes got very big , and he was just reading , and he reads the other thing . He said , " We think the Chinese are inscrutable . But the Indians are inexplicable . And if you get the Chinese and the Indians together , it 's all totally incomprehensible . " I said , " it appears to be like that . " So that made a mark on me . This Sai Baba is something to remember , I will find out more about him . So the next time I had a chance - - I didn 't get to LA very often - - I found out there was a Hollywood Center . I went to the sidebar the center . It seems so strange to me . I couldn 't quite get too involved with it . But nevertheless , he was an interesting man , like that . One day , a woman comes up to me at Esalen , who was in another workshop . And she says , " I heard that you are a pilot . I 'm going to be here for a while with my friend who I 'm doing the workshop with . Can we go flying together ? Let me tell you , that I 'm also a pilot . I have a twin engine license . I grew up as part of the Greek monarchy . " She was in the palace , I never really understood all of that . Obviously she was an American . She was in the palace . I had met the Queen in Athens when I gave my talk there , some years earlier . She talked of Queen Helena sufficiently to get me to believe that it must be so , that she was an instrument rated twin - engine pilot . And she says that she misses her flying and , " Could we go somewheres ? " And so , on a blustery , December day , we went to Monterey airport , and we rented this fast plane with retractable landing gear , and all the complex instruments , and stuff I didn 't know half of what was on there . Oxygen , and it was quite a plane . I never even found out how much it was . She was taking care of it . " Fine , we 'll just go and tour around a little bit , and maybe go to the Sierras , " which are about 100 Miles off . The Sierra Nevada 's are always very dramatic . You can fly quite low in those days , now it 's prohibited , but you could fly quite low , over the big trees . And then these gorgeous emerald colored lakes up in the high mountains . And the glaciers . It 's grand . And to take off from the coast , and spend 15 to 20 minutes up in the air , and then come back , for a 2 1 / 2 hour ride , it seemed ideal . I was happy to do it . So we rented the plane , and flew up . I was flying . I was in the left - hand seat which is the pilot seat , and then she was in the other seat alongside . It had two more seats in the back , but but there was just the two of us . And I had been checked out and the plane , so I knew enough about the instruments that they would let me fly . It was the first time I 've flown in a plane with retractable landing gear . It was new stuff for me . It was exciting , I enjoyed it . In original flight training I had learned about it , but I never really had a chance to try it . So we went flying off towards the Sierras . They are these grand mountains , literally like a tapestry , these huge mountains in front of us . But , what was also happening , was these tremendous clouds going up to 50 , 000 feet , coming in behind those mountains . And all this lightning , shooting back and forth between big clouds . It was high lightning , sheet lightning , not coming down . So , all this is going on . And it was fascinating . And we could always turn back , we could fly faster than the weather could come in , I figured . We could turn back to the coast if the weather got bad . We hadn 't checked the weather , and we hadn 't filed a flight plan , which is illegal . But it was just going to be a local flight , and normally you don 't need to do a flight plan . What we didn 't realize , was that we were at the center of the storm , almost like an oasis of clear air . There was sort of a big hole in the clouds that were forming all around us . There were literally clouds forming in that area . We could still see ahead of us , but behind us it was socking in . And so , when it got very turbulent , I said to her , " I think we better get out of this . Just get home . " And tried to turn around , but , turning around we were already in the weather , and we had to go on instruments . And there were these tremendous updrafts . I 've never experienced anything like that before . I had to put the plane into a dive , and I was still going up . We were going up from about 8000 feet or so up to about 20 , 000 feet . We needed to get out the oxygen , there 's not much air at that altitude . I couldn 't get the oxygen to work as I was busy flying , but still trying to get the oxygen masks happening . It wasn 't working to try to pull down the masks . And so , I said to her , " I think you are the instrument is it her it him her her him her him her you you him you are pilot among us , you better take over . And we 've got to get down . " ( 10 : 32AM , 32 : 33 ) And she was slumped on the seat in the corner . I 'm shaking her , and I can 't see any breath . I can 't see any life in her . I have no idea if she 's alive or dead . She passed out . She was obviously unconscious , but I didn 't even know what was happening to her . She had been drinking the night before , and you just can 't go up that high after drinking alcohol . I had lived at a high altitude before , and so I was a bit more adjusted to it . And so , now I was on my own . That was my experience for the next three hours , four hours almost , just trying to stay alive in the storm . It was a storm that happens in California about every eight or nine years . It was one of the worst of them . Just to give you a sense of the ferocity of that storm , when we finally got back to Monterey , over a mile of Highway One was in the sea . You could not go south from Monterey . You had to go across the mountains , way down south and come up from the backside to get to Esalen . It took almost a year before they could repair the highway . But it was that kind of a storm . And so here 's this little tiny plane in that storm . And of course the first thing I did was ask for help . " Mayday , Mayday , aircraft in distress . " No response . I tried different emergency frequencies , that I remembered . I didn 't know that much . But nobody responded . And there was so much electrical activity all around . There was just lightening all over the place , and occasionally it would hit a wing . You don 't have to worry in a plane about lightning , it just goes on . But , nevertheless it 's incredibly dramatic when it happens . It was very very turbulent . I had my shoulder strap on , not just the seatbelt , but the shoulder strap , because if I just even moved the controls a little bit , the plane would capture a differential wind , and would sort of go off on that side . So it was really a test of flying skills , and it was way beyond me . And I didn 't know how I could survive this thing . At some place along the line , a back window blew out , and there was all the noise of that back window blowing out . There was a sleet storm that we flew through . Then the ailerons , which are what you use to level the plane - - actually the rest of the wing is aluminum , but the ailerons on that plane were some sort of fabric . And the fabric was actually peeling off . And so it took more and more turn of the wheel to stabilize the plane . I was concerned about the rudder in the back . Because there was a line going to the router , and to the elevators in the back that was coming apart . You know you have a horizontal surface and a vertical surface , and you have controls on both of them . Those lines were 100 steel strands wound into a long cable . The cable was made up of individual strands . And so every once in a while , from this continuous movement , there would be a , " Sproing ! " And you would lose a strand . Not unlike playing on a violin and one of the strings would go . It was very dramatic , hair - raising . I had no idea where I was . I wasn 't navigating , I couldn 't use the navigation equipment . I never even thought of that when we took the plane from Monterey . We thought we were going to fly a visual flight . And so I never even thought of having to know where you are . In those days , there was no GPS , it was all done with radio signals . You had to keep track . I didn 't have any ability to take care of that . And so wherever I was , the storm was just continuing , it had gotten a little bit better towards the end . But I wore out . And the plane was worn out , and we were running out of gas . The gas gauge was bouncing on empty . I knew I 'd have to make an emergency landing . It was like a little toy boat in the surf , that kids play with . I had been calling , " Mayday , Mayday ! " About every 15 or 20 minutes , and there was no response . By now , that there was so much noise in the cockpit from the window broken that that I couldn 't even hear anything if they did come on , I thought , because the speakers were in the back wall . There were seats in front of it . I didn 't have a headset on . I use the speakers in the cabin . And the microphone was on the panel in the front . It was a separate microphone that sits on a holder on the panel . I would pick that up and call , " Mayday , Mayday " and try some frequencies on the radio . But I could hear the noise of the radio , and not any results . So I put the microphone back on the panel . I 'm running out of gas , and I figure I better pull back on the power , so that I would have a little bit of gas left if I have to make an emergency landing . And , if there was a tree in front of me , or rock , I would need to avoid it . I assumed I was over the mountains , but I had no idea . I had flown some flights before , looking for people who are down in the mountains . Rarely does anybody survive those things . You can 't really make an emergency landing in the mountains . But you can always try . There 's some meadows up there . And so , you tried . And what 's more , there 's so little air on top of the mountains , that you have to go pretty fast to keep the airplane from stalling . If you have no power , you have to be diving . And so , you have to pull up , at the right moment , in the end . And then the plane flops down , hopefully on the dirt . It 's a very difficult situation . And so , I 'm set up for that . I just pulled back , so the thing is coming down in altitude . I was just saying , " Please God , " and that must 've been the first time I thought of God since I was last a kid in cheder or something . I had become a scientist , I never thought of God . " Please God , I don 't want to die . Please help , I don 't want to die . " ( 10 : 57am , 42 : 12 ) It couldn 't have been more than 30 seconds after that , that this voice , very clearly came on the radio . " Aircraft in distress , can you hear me ? Aircraft in distress , can you hear me ? " This angel has come . It was just so surprising , to suddenly hear a voice after three hours or more . I go to take the microphone off the panel . In the turbulence , the microphone had gotten dislodged . And I saw it down there , wrapped around the rudder pedals . I still had rudder movement , but it was down there , underneath . So , I released the shoulder harness to bend down , and almost immediately the plane went on its back . It didn 't quite . And because I had released the shoulder harness I was almost dangling from the lap belt . So I immediately got it back , and I knew that there was no way I could get to that microphone . So here 's this call coming out of nowhere . Of course , I had no idea what anybody could do to help me at this point . I had no power , no gas left , no petrol . Nevertheless , I tried to just fly the plane level , knowing that hopefully I 'll come out of the soup at sometime when I could still see something . Maybe I could make an emergency landing . And this voice came right back on again , and said " Aircraft in distress . You need not answer . If you can hear my transmission , turn 90 ° to the right , and then immediately come back to your present heading . " So that was something I could do , and I did that . I turned it to the right , and back . He said , " I have you in sight , don 't worry . I 'll bring you in safely into a nearby airport . " And then he gave me this continuous instructions on what to do . He said , " You are heading for a bad cell in the storm . You have to go around it . I want you to use your throttle and go to three quarters power . " Three quarters power ? I mean , I didn 't have any gas . You can go to three quarters throttle with no gas , with that bouncing on empty . And I didn 't know how much reserves there was in there , probably not any at this point . But he was just so firm about doing this , that I just gave it the gas . And the plane picked up speed and picked up altitude again . And he gave me some directions on how fast the fly , and at what altitude to fly . But they were kind of directions you give to a kid who had never flown before , and that found himself in an airplane . He would say , " On your gauge , which is the speed gauge , go where the yellow meets the green . " That kind of talk . " And on the altitude meter , fly where the two dials lineup , 10 , 000 feet . " That kind of talk . And it was just great for me , because I was worn out . And so , I did is said , and he kept on this constant communication . He said , " You 're flying over eastern Nevada . " Eastern Nevada was 400 miles away . How did I get there ? " I 'm going to take you into an airport . I 'll just vector you in , to the airport . " It sounded like a ground controller who was very , very kind and considerate and compassionate . I did like he said . He kept saying , " Don 't worry , don 't worry . You 'll be okay . " It was very encouraging . After about 10 minutes of this - - it was a long time when you don 't have any gas , I think it must 've been around 10 minutes - - he said , " Pullback on your throttle and set yourself up for a descent . " He told me how and where to fly to in altitude , and he said , " Just stay on your present course , and you 'll find in three or four minutes you will come out of the overcast . You will be lined up with the runway in the distance . If you can call them on the radio , declare an emergency . Go straight in . " Which is unusual . Normally you don 't do a straight - in approach . If you 're in a foreign airport , so - called , one that you haven 't been to before , you 're supposed to make one turnaround , go around once . " Just fly in , and goodbye , and good luck . " He said , " My voice will now be fading out , with this transmission , and that will be the end of it , but you 'll be fine . Keep going . " 11 : 17AM , 48 : 36 And so , it was just like he said , I didn 't hear from him again . A few minutes later , I suddenly came out of the clouds . I was just dazzled by all this white . The world was white . While I was up there , it had snowed . It was solid white , and the sun was shining . And the reflection from the ground was dazzling . Off in the distance , over the nose of the plane , I could see what appeared to be a landing strip . By this point , there was no turbulence and I could release the belts . With my foot , and reaching down , I could undo the microphone . I called the tower and announced myself and declared an emergency . And the tower operator said , " Where did you come from ? How did you get here ? I said , " Well , I 've got to land , I 'm low on gas . " He gave me the clearance for an immediate landing . He said , " Boy , you can thank God that you 're alive . " He said , " This airport was closed . " This guy was so surprised , he was talking to me on the radio . He said , " This airport was closed just 10 minutes ago . " So when that voice came on the radio , the airport was closed . And I guess , the storm just blew by for a time . They sent a Jeep out with a snowplow in front of it , to make a few passes down the runway . It was just a small airport . There was a lot of snow . That snow plow was still at the other end of the runway when I came along . The tower man had to tell him to stay off the runway so that this plane could land . And I 'm coming in , and at the last moment I see that there was a clearing on the runway . I didn 't have to land on snow . So I put the wheels down . That 's a 10 or 15 or $ 20 , 000 decision , whether you land flat on the snow . Because if you land with wheels on the deep snow , you ground , and it can blow up on you . You sort of pancake it . But that 's a big decision on an expensive airplane . I put the wheels down and landed . It wasn 't a very good landing . I bounced a little bit . And this gal , who I hadn 't even thought about for a long time suddenly says , " What happened ? " She 's alive ! She 's back among the living . It was such a drama . Coming down to the end of the runway , I just started pulling off the runway , and the swirl of snow , just like the storm came back again . With his big swirl of snow , I couldn 't see anything , and all you can do is just get the wings turned around . So that you 're into this wind that was suddenly happening . Because otherwise it would pick up a wing , and we would be on our backs . I just got it around , and then , blup , blup , blup , the last drop of gas . Now , later on , we knew it was Swami , and it 's sort of his signature . Everything goes to the last second . But the synchronicity of that was just amazing . We literally ran out of gas , right there on the runway , and that Jeep came in and told me into the tower area . We were there for , I think three days , two or three days . There was a motel nearby . It was horrible . It was just kind of an out - of - the - way place . I didn 't like this lady at all . And so I didn 't want anything to do with her . And I thought she was a fake anyway . She said she was a pilot but she never showed any sign of it . She had the hots for me . And I didn 't want anything to do with her . Maybe it was two days later . We got out to the airport , and the plane was filled with snow . We got a mechanic to replace the cable and the ailerons . He didn 't have anything else to do there were no other planes flying . The storm came back again . Nevertheless there was a break for us . So when there was a break in the storm , we just took off . We headed south . We couldn 't go back west , to the coast , there would 've been no way because of the weather , all around us . But it was clear going to the south . And she said , why don 't we go to Mexico ? That 's 1000 miles away . Why don 't we go to Mexico ? I know of a yoga Academy there , where we could stay at . In Tacati , Mexico , I think it 's about 80 or 90 or 100 you didn 't need passports to go to Mexico . Miles from the coast in Mexico , over the border . And so we flew down to Imperial , California , which was nearby . We rented an old car , and drove to Tecati . In those days , you didn 't need passports to go to Mexico . You needed a driver 's license . This is Indra Devi 's place , at her center . It was dark at that point . We looked around , and wondered , where are the people ? It was a big house , and the front door was unlocked . It was ajar . We went through the front door , and there was nobody inside . We kept walking , and we saw a big hall , where there were a lot of yoga mats . And obviously there had been some people there , you could see some cups and things and personal stuff that people had to do their practice . But there weren 't any people . So we kept looking around to see if anybody was around . We noticed at the far end of the hall , there was one of these glass doors , frosted glass . There was a light moving . You could see a light moving through the frosted glass . We went there , and opened it up . There must 've been 30 or 35 people , in the air . They were doing the aarati at that moment . And one person was waving the camphor lamp , in front of a picture that they had . And then turning around , and everybody took some of the light . I looked at the picture , and the picture was just so strange . The eyes , you could just see the circle around the sides . And that was it , of the picture . All the rest of it was covered with dust . And good heavens , they 're worshiping somebody up there , but they don 't even bother to clean off the picture ? We were just looking in , and somebody opens the door . Somebody took an envelope , and went out and collected the dust . And then passed it around to everybody , and everybody put some of it in their mouth . It was so strange . This woman , she came around to us , where we were standing by the door and offered , " Here , have some of this . " What was happening to me , because I was just worn out from all of this to begin with , I 'm just looking at those eyes . I 'm a scientist , and I 'm not usually amazed at things . Even there , I wasn 't particularly awestruck by any of this . But something about those eyes , they just really moved me . I didn 't know who this person was , but something was very powerful in just looking at them . And I had some idea that this had some relation to that voice over the Nevada desert . It was obviously a ground controller . I didn 't mention , that when I got back to file a report about how you happened to be there . The airport just opened , and along came this little plane . Where did it come from ? I said , " Well , there was a ground controller that vectored us here . " " There are no radars . This is a huge Indian reservation here , going for 100 miles . " He said , " There 's nothing out there . " He said , " I don 't know how you got here . But somebody is caring for you , not something that we know about . " He said , " Anyway , you don 't have a transponder aboard . They can 't really see you unless you have a radar transponder . " Probably the plane had it , but I didn 't turn anything on . I didn 't know anything about it , or where it was . There was no radars anyplace nearby . I said , " I know all about Sai Baba . He 's the one who threw the Chinese out of India . " That was the connection , with the book . They asked , " How did you get here ? " I told them a little bit of the story . How we got lost in the storm , and this voice came on . They said , " It had to be Baba . It just had to be Baba . " So , now it was , go see him . It took another year or two before I got to India . When I got to India , the warden of the Brindavan boy 's college hostel came up to me . He found me , he said you must be Al Drucker . I said , " Yes . " He said , " Would you kindly write an account , of how Baba saved you in that airplane over the mountains ? " I said , " How do you know about that ? I haven 't talked about that . " He said , " Baba told us . We go in there in the evening , and one time , He said , " I 've just saved this American who was flying around for his pleasure . Up there over the mountains . And I had to go and do my duty . " So , that was how I came to Swami , years earlier . Then I came back with Indra Devi . I join her group for Maha Sivarathri , one February . That 's when Wilma was on the flight also . We got there towards the end , close to Maha Sivarathri . Swami was having a big meeting in the Poornachandra Auditorium . There must have been close to 100 , 000 people at the ashram . The Poornachandra holds about 35 , 000 or 40 , 000 people . But all the doors , the garage doors were open . The people were outside , it was very thick with people . These were mostly Indians . There were very few westerners in these days . And so , they were all sitting on top of each other . Indra had arranged with the office that we could come inside the auditorium . We had permission to be inside and towards the front . When we got there there was no way to get to the places we were supposed to sit , because of all these people crowded together . On the men 's side , there were four or five of us in the group . The seva dals got behind us , and they pushed . We were stepping on people , and there was no room . Nevertheless , they kept pushing from behind us . They would say , " Sai Ram , Sai Ram . " Of course the people were facing away from us , we were coming from behind . At first they were jolted by it and little bit surprised , but then they would turn around and they would see a bunch of westerners coming , and make room . And they were also going , " Sai Ram , Sai Ram . " And to me , because I was still jetlagged , and the numbers of people in India , starting at the Bombay airport and then here , the big crowds . Suddenly I felt I was back in Nazi Germany . And this was the Hitler youth in behind us . And these people were saying , " zig heil , zig heil , zig heil . " It was a remarkable déjà vu for me . And when we got inside , there were these massive flags , there must 've been 100 flags . I guess they were flags of all the countries that had bothered to vote tees , or that had Indians living there . But there were all these flags up there on the platform . There were these banners around the back , " Today , India will lead the world . " Al , you will have to insert the German words , this program won 't let me , and I don 't know the spelling besides . " Today , Germany , tomorrow the world . " And then there was a big picture of swami , hanging from the ceiling , right over his table , or desk . And carved on the table is the swastika . Behind the table , they set up a floral gate that Baba would walk through . And it says on it , " Work is worship . " Al , you will have to insert the German words . On every concentration camp , " Work will make you free . " The Nazis used that . You could see it in Auschwitz . Or Treblinka , Buchenwald , or any of those places . And who else would sit under his own picture , but Adolf Hitler . It was amazing to me . And then Swami came through , and there 's this tremendous upwelling of emotional outburst . Swami is here . The only thing like that I 'd ever seen was among the Germans when Hitler came to our town . Everything reminded me of Nazi Germany . I felt like I was in the wrong place . Is there anyway I can get out of here ? And then Swami started giving his discourse . And the first thing he said , was " You are all Aryans in my army . " You can look up the talk and see exactly what he said . Aryans are the noble race . They are what the Germans called the " . . . " the noble race . It was a remarkable experience for me . And then Swami had the bhajans afterwards . He went and sat in this chair that was set up for him . And on the bottom of the chair , it said " SS " . Sathya Sai . Of course for me , it all made sense , it was all consistent with my experience . But Baba said something during that talk , which never left me . He said the bird of liberation flies on two wings . Viveka and Vairagya . Separating the real from the unreal , the truth from the untruth is the single most important thing that you can do . You have to constantly look around , and see if you see anything true . And if it isn 't true , then it 's untrue . And you have to deny it 's truth . Because then it 's untrue . He said if you do that long enough , you will free that one wing . He said , you can 't fly with one wing , you need two wings . And so , the second wing , and he was quoting Shankara , " Brahma , Sathya , Jagat , Mithya " . Of course , I didn 't know what it meant , but I had a little piece of paper with me , and I wrote it down . " Brahma , Sathya , Jagat , Mithya . " Brahma , the ultimate , God , is true , Sathya . Jagat , the world , is Mithya . It is neither true nor untrue . It is a combination of both . It is essentially not true . It has truth within it , but it is also mostly not real . But then , Shankara said , but , the reality is that Jagat , the world , is Brahman , is God . It was 180 ° from what just got said . The world is not real , God is real . But , the world is God . So , that 's the two wings , that you need to fly . And so , that 's never left me . It was a very important breakthrough for me spiritually . Viveka is discrimination , Vairagya is detachment . What you detach from , is the idea that anything can exist without God . There is no existence but God . So , the world itself , if you think of the world , has to be God because all there is , is God . There is something superimposed on it but that doesn 't change what it is . Then , you fly off . That is the bird of liberation . It goes to the mansion of liberation . And he also said if you want sweet water you 've got to dig deep . Diamonds don 't grow on trees . You 've got to dig for them . You can go around the field and make 100 shallow holes , but none of them will give you water . You 've got to go deep . He said , come and investigate this avatar . Come close , because you will not discover truth by looking from afar . There were a number of things like that . I was very perceptive . I was very keyed up . " The walls have ears " . That was the thing in Germany . And so you have to constantly pay attention to everything . I was very vigilant , which of course is one of the teachings . To be hypervigilant everything . That 's the CIA . So , they put me into a room with a little Indian man . He was a very poor man . He had a little bath on the floor . I was surprised . I was told that we would be with some westerners in a room . But , I was put into this room . There was a little straw mat on the floor . And the little valise , it looked cheap and poor . And there was this man , this little guy , older than me by a maybe 15 or 20 years . He was an older man . And , he obviously didn 't speak English . The rest of the room was empty . And like the other Westerners with all their baggage , I was coming with all my stuff . I took the other portion of the room , and we nodded hello . Sai Ram . This went on for two days . He would sweep up every morning , and clean the bathroom . I didn 't have to do anything . I figured he was probably some villager . On the third day , I 'm getting up in the morning to go to Darshan . He says , " Excuse me , brother . There will not be any darshan today . " He said , " Baba went to Anantapur , to visit the girls college . They are building a new building there . He will be back this afternoon for darshan . I said , " Oh , great . Then , will you sit down and tell me your story ? " This is remarkable . His parents were both killed during that time when a lot of Indians protested against the British . They were part of an event in some stadium , and the British came in with tanks and submachine guns , and then killed over 1000 people . So , he lost his parents , and he was orphaned at that time . He was raised in Mahatma Gandhi 's ashram . He was a Gandhi person . He went to school there , and he went to college even in India . The ashram decided to send him to England for his postgraduate work . This is a villager , who had woven his own cloth . This was before the war . He he went to the London School of Economics . It was a fine school , and he was doing his PhD dissertation . When the war broke out , all communication with India was lost and his funds were cut off . He had to get several jobs . He had a job as a waiter that went late into the night . It is room was on the seventh floor of a building in a London slum , a garret apartment . He said , " As soon as I got into bed , and did a little bit of work on my dissertation , the air raid sirens would go off . I had to get down into the shelter with all the screaming people and kids . " He said , " I was just going crazy . I could keep it together . To hold these jobs , and do my work in a foreign country . It was just hard . " One night , the air raid sirens went off . He said , " We had heavy curtains on the windows anyway . No light would 've shone through . I just turned off all lights , and climbed into bed . The Germans never hit our area anyway . They were going after that part of London . " He was in his bed , trying to get to sleep , when he heard someone coming up the steps outside and in the hall . It was this clunk clunk clunk going up , and then a heavy knock on the door . " Open up ! I know you 're in there . Open up ! " So he got out of bed and opened the door . He said , this big helmeted air raid warden shown his torch into my face . He said , " You heard the air raids sirens . You have to come down into the shelter . " He said , " There 's no time . " And he just pulled him in his pajamas out of the room . He was sort of clambering down the steps following this big man , going two or three steps at a time , and he was trying to keep up . Down below , just immediately next - door was the shelter entrance and the air raid warden just pushed him into the shelter and close the steel doors . The warden stayed on the outside . He said , then there was this massive explosion . It was almost within seconds or minutes of him getting into the shelter . He was so embarrassed , being in his pajamas . There was this big explosion , and then there were no lights , and people screaming . It took almost 2 days he said , for them to dig us out . When he got out , there was just the frame of the first two or three stories of the building still standing . It was sort of got it . His place was gone . He said , that worked and saved my life . And he undoubtedly died , because the explosion came soon after , and the warden was on the outside . And so he always felt badly because he had caused the death of this person . And so , years later , he gets his PhD from the London School of Economics . He is given a job with the central government of India . He works his way up to becoming a minister in the central government . He went to Madras on official business . He said the governor , and the chief Minister , all came to the airport . He said when somebody , a high official of the central government comes , they all turn out . It 's the courtesy of greeting someone who has come to a state that normally doesn 't have that kind of attention . And so they were in this convoy of cars , with the police chief in front . Going from the airport to the Government House , in Madras . Suddenly , the whole cavalcade of cars got slowed down , and there were just so many people in the streets . And he turned to the chief Minister , who was sitting next to him and said , " What 's going on ? " And the man said , " A guru , not from these parts , from Telugu country , Andhra Pradesh has come , and when he comes , about 1 million people show up . There 's going to be a talk in a park nearby here , and it 's about this time . There 's going to be a lot of foot traffic . We 'll just be moving very slowly through it . " " Of course , in the north , we 've heard of Sai Baba . We knew that he died in 1918 , and the word is that he had come back . " The short of it is that . . . one of the seva dals , of Baba 's people had come to the limousine where he was sitting . He knocked on the window , and this man rolled down the window . The seva dal said , " Are you Sri Gokhale ? " He was just so intimidated by that , that he told the governor and others in the car , that " I 'm going there . " They all decided to go there . And so the whole party walked off to this meeting place . They went up on the stage . Baba showed up , his car actually drove up . Bob comes straight to this man and says " Ah , good that you have come . I 've been waiting for you . " " The air raid warden ? The war with Pakistan ? " Then he remembered , when he was a young man in London , during the blitz , the air raid warden who saved his life . Baba said , " I was the air raid warden . I came up to save your life . And I have saved you many times since then . " And he mentioned one thing that happened during the last war with Pakistan . This man had an official car , and he was driving it , and the car went off the road , and tumbled down the mountain . He and his wife were in the car , and they were thrown clear . They walked away , and that car was just a ball of steel . He couldn 't even get his wife 's purse out , it was so mangled . And Baba told him about that time , when he saved his life . He said I have saved your life many times . So now , you will come and be with me . You will retire . You don 't need to do any more with this government . You come and be with me , and live with me and my ashram . And so he said , here I am . I 've been here a number of years . And I 'm very very happy . And so immediately , I put it together with my experience with the SS Colonel . > " The air raid warden ? The war with Pakistan ? " Then he remembered , when he was a young man in London , during the blitz , the air raid warden who saved his life . Baba said , " I was the air raid warden . I came up to save your life . And I have saved you many times since then . " And he mentioned one thing that happened during the last war with Pakistan . This man had an official car , and he was driving it , and the car went off the road , and tumbled down the mountain . He and his wife were in the car , and they were thrown clear . They walked away , and that car was just a ball of steel . He couldn 't even get his wife 's purse out , it was so mangled . And Baba told him about that time , when he saved his life . He said I have saved your life many times . So now , you will come and be with me . You will retire . You don 't need to do any more with this government . You come and be with me , and live with me and my ashram . And so he said , here I am . I 've been here a number of years . And I 'm very , very happy . And so immediately , I put it together with my experience with the SS Colonel . And so , Baba takes care of his devotees . I didn 't know I was a devotee at the time . |
I go to bed whenever I want , and I wake up when I want . I leisurely read the paper , drink my coffee , and eat breakfast . I don 't have to rush . I may have things that I want to do for the day , but I 've gotten really good at being flexible . For instance , today I was going to get my allergy shot . I 'm supposed to go every two weeks . I was going every four weeks until I got a dog . Now I have to get " dog allergy shots " every two week . Oh , well . . . But I decided to walk Walter . Then the phone rang , and it was my cousin . I sat down in my glider rocker , put my feet up on the glider ottoman , and relaxed while Nita and I caught up with each other . It 's my favorite place to sit while I 'm talking on the phone . I can look out through the picture window and see what 's going on in the backyard . Sometimes a cat will jump on my lap while I 'm sitting there . So after Nita and I talked , I realized that I needed some protein before my walk with Walter . I made an omelet with green peppers , cheese , and spinach . When I took the plastic top off the spinach container , I saw a recipe for spinach orzo salad . Hmmm , that looks good . I have all the ingredients for this . I 'll cook this tonight for dinner . Then I looked through the mail and saw a bill , so I decided to take care of that . I checked e - mail , and then it was time to start cooking dinner . The spinach and orzo salad was pretty good . O . K . - then it 's time to write - back to work on my novel . I 'm up to 142 pages and 51 , 426 words . It 's 10 o ' clock . Finished with tonight 's installment of my novel . Let me write on my blog . Just wanted to say that retirement is great ! Posted by This is not an instrument of destruction . I ordered this on the internet , so I could trim Walter 's nails without the worry of cutting his nails too short and making them bleed . Wayne helped me figure out how it worked , and then I turned it on to show Walter . He started barking and tried to bite it . Yeah , this is really going to work . . . Well , every day is a new day . I brought out the Dremel tool , and Wayne got Walter to lie down on the carpet in front of the sofa . I tentatively picked up one paw and applied the Dremel tool . Hey ! He let me file his nail down ! Now , as to the rest of his nails , that was a different story . He 'd jump up and run around the sofa . Wayne called him to sit in front of us , and he sat . He coaxed him to lie down again . It worked ! I was able to trim all of Walter 's nails without making any of them bleed . Success ! I decided to try it on the cats . Hah ! First , Zoe . She whined and meowed , but she let me file down all of her nails . Then Harry , and even Violet . Henry was a different story . I got ONE of his nails . I will have to use the regular nail clipper on him . And even then , I have to wrap him up in a blanket like a burrito kitty so he doesn 't get away while I 'm trimming his nails . He is my sweetest kitty , but he still tries to bite me when I trim his nails . The best time to cut his nails is when he 's napping . If I pick him up and start clipping right away , I can get quite a few nails done before he 's fully awake and realizes what I 'm doing . I 've been trying to convince Wayne to let me pluck his eyebrows . Yeah , he 's as happy to let me do that as Henry is to let me clip his nails . He 's worried because he 's seen the " haircuts " I 've given the bushes in the front yard . He jokes that I give them " Charlie Brown Christmas tree haircuts , " and he shudders to think what he 'll look like when I 've finished . He should trust me , right ? My eyebrows look fine . . . . This is Lady , the Boston Terrier . She jumped up on the sofa and had her ears down , but then she put her ears up . It looks as if she 's doing a good imitation of a gremlin . And look at the TV in the background . There are three elves . It looks as if Lady is showing her solidarity with the elves . All three of the Boston Terriers must love Wayne . When I saw him sitting with the dogs , I thought of that group , Three Dog Night . That 's what Wayne 's got . I cannot have flowers in the house without the cats coming to investigate them and one by one , the leaves are ripped off their stems . The cats either eat them or bring them to another part of the house and play with them . We may not find those leaves for months . Then they start in on the flowers . They pull the whole flower out and bite on the stem . I have no idea why they like rose stems with thorns . The last thing they do is tear the flower apart . Petals everywhere . " Happy Belated Birthday ! I just thought I would extend the birthday celebration . And you my beautiful , brilliant , and loving friend , deserve to be celebrated ! I 'm so grateful to have you in my life ! " Doesn 't every one need a friend like that ? I love the flowers , and so do the cats . I hope they survive for at least a week in our house ! I wish I had a picture of what I saw as I was driving to physical therapy . Out of the corner of my eye , I saw something in a garden on the main street in our subdivision . I was intrigued , so I made a u - turn and stopped right in front of it . It looked like a fluffy cat , but then I thought maybe it was an owl . Then I made out the head and body , and I thought it was an eagle , but it didn 't have a brown body and white head , so I thought it might be a hawk . It was white and had brown speckles all over . What a beautiful creature ! I was worried that maybe it was hurt , and that 's why it was just sitting in the garden . I reached for the camera I keep in my glove compartment , but when I turned around , the bird was gone . I was happy and sad : sad because it flew away before I could get a picture , but happy because it wasn 't hurt and could fly . If the bird was hurt , I wasn 't sure what to do , and I thought of what number I could call so someone could come and get the bird and rehabilitate it . But the hawk , or whatever it was , flew away , so I could relax . I asked my physical therapist , Jeannie Dufrene , what kind of new sneakers to buy . She said , " it depends on your feet . " I told her about what I 'd read , and she said , " I can tell you right now . Here . take off your shoes and socks , and let me take a picture of your feet . " She got her cell phone and took pictures from the front and back view of my feet . Wow ! Even I could tell I am flat - footed ! And feet are not the prettiest part of my body , even though I just had a deluxe pedicure , courtesy of my friend Amy , who gave me a gift certificate last Christmas , and I finally got around to using it two days ago . My physical therapist asked if one leg was shorter than the other . I said , " I think one is , but I don 't know which one . " She said , " Lie down on this table and let me measure you . " She took a tape measure and measured from the point on my hip bone down the length of my leg . " Your left leg is 1 / 2 inch longer than your right leg . " I said , " O . K . so I need orthotics for my arches . " Jeannie said , " Yeah , and you can try them for a while , and then see if you can get a lift for your right shoe . " I said , " I never knew , until I read that article in the shoe catalog , that having flat feet can affect your knees . Maybe if I start wearing these orthotics , my knees will get better . " Jeannie said , " I 'll start you off with these - they 're mild . You can use them for about six months , and then move up to moderate . But only wear them for two hours a day , or you might have pains because of the new orthotics . " I said , " O . K . , I 'll just wear them when I 'm working out . " Today at Lafreniere Park , there was a pet festival from 11 til 4 . We got there about 2 o ' clock , and it was packed . Dogs everywhere . All kinds , all sizes , all colors . Walter was overstimulated by all the dogs , and he was making his monkey sounds to indicate his excitement . All sorts of vendors had booths around the park , and Wayne went to the ones giving samples of dog and cat food , so we got several varieties to try out on our animals . Walter sniffed everyone he could . He 's so friendly and never met a person he didn 't like . He 's an unusual looking dog , and people stopped us to ask what breed he was . We said he was a rescued dog from SPCA , and we were told he was a mix of German Wire - haired Pointer and terrier , but we thought he looked like a smaller version of Irish Wolfhound . We were goggled by some of the dogs we saw . There was a Kommondor , and I 'd never seen one except on the TV when the Westminster Dog Show was broadcast . The dog looked like he had rasta braids all over , and he was huge , even though the lady who had him on a leash said he weighed 115 pounds . Well , we didn 't adopt any more animals , but we pet quite a few , and Walter had a grand time . We left the petfest and walked over to the dog park , and Walter had more fun . Everyone talks to everybody at the dog park , just like all the dogs mingle . Who invented cargo pants ? What a great idea ! I love cargo pants with all of their pockets , kind of like my roll top desk with all of its drawers and cubby holes . I don 't usually carry a purse , so I like the idea of pockets , where I can stash lip gloss in one pocket , money in another , and my keys in another , and kleenex in another . I especially like the pocket alongside of my thigh because that 's where I put my fan , which is a necessity due to my hot flashes . Wayne likes my cargo pants because that means he doesn 't have to put all of those aforementioned items in his pants pockets . He still tells me , " That 's the only reason you want me around , because I have pockets ! " I tell him , " Not the only reason , but one of the reasons . . . " What 's great about these cargo pants I bought from Sam 's is that they have a small percentage of Lycra ! What person doesn 't love Lycra ? Another great invention ! Do you remember the days of lying on the bed to zip up your jeans ? I hate tight jeans now . I refuse to wear tight pants and feel uncomfortable . Lycra makes pants feel " just right , " as Goldilocks would say . I was sitting at a red light and for some reason , I started thinking about people who can do more than one thing well . Triple threats in the entertainment industry can act , sing , and dance . Some actors learn a skill for a new role . Wendell Pierce , an actor on Treme , learned to play the trombone , so he could portray a musician . It 's hard enough to be able to master one skill , but to be able to do two things well , or three things , wow ! I guess the reason I was thinking about this was because I just left a writers ' group meeting at the library . I went to the writers ' group meeting because I 'm writing a novel this month . Yeah . The reason I 'm writing a novel this month is because I love to read and listen to books on tape , and I go to my library quite frequently . I love my librarians , and every time I go in to return books , I tell them about what I 've read . Sometimes , they tease me and hide behind the counter when they see me coming , but they duck in full view of my line of sight , so they know that I know they 're teasing me . Any way , the librarians told me about NaNoWriMo , which stands for National Novel Writing Month , and it takes place in the month of November . I 've started several novels but never finished them , and I always said that when I retired , I 'd write . Well , I 've been retired for a year now , and here was the kickstart I needed . I thought at first , " I 'll do that next year , " but then I thought , " What 's stopping you now ? " and that 's how I started writing my novel . The idea is that you write 1667 words every day during the month of November , and at the end of 30 days , you will have written 50 , 000 words , which is the size of the novel , The Great Gatsby . I thought , " I can do that . " First I had to give up Castleville . For those of you who don 't know what that is , it 's Facebook crack . Better to never get started on it . It 's a social media game and a supreme time waster . I spent hours every day playing that game . When you go to other players ' " kingdoms , " you realize that there are hundreds of people with OCD out thBut all of that got me thinking at the red light about triple threats . Here I am at age 59 , and I finally think I know what I want to be when I grow up : a writer . And I want to be a good writer . Who aspires to be just mediocre at what they do ? And that made me think about whether or not I really was a good social worker . I thought about how hard it is for me to learn to play guitar and piano and to dance and to draw and paint . None of those things come naturally to me , but I still want to try . God bless the triple threats ! Those are talented people , and I admire them . I wish I could sight read music and play it as soon as I saw the notes . I wish I could sing , but I was not standing in line when God was handing out that gift . I was probably playing Castleville . I am not a gifted athlete . I remember a girl in high school who was the fastest runner I had ever seen . In comparison , I plod along . It took me a year to learn how to do a cartwheel , and I am not fearless when it comes to doing flips on the balance beam . Falling on my crotch once wiped away any fearlessness I may have had . Ask Wayne about my dancing ability . I wish I could pick up a step that has just been demonstrated . It took me months to learn how to do the West Coast Swing , and when we dance , Wayne constantly admonishes me to " stand up straight , wait for my lead , start with your right foot . " Oy vey . . . I want to learn how to use a potter 's wheel , and how to sculpt , and how to blow glass . I guess I should console myself that artists have been perfecting their craft for years . Did you see my picture on an earlier blog of my knitting attempt ? I will continue to try new things . I just will . Whether or not I become a triple threat at any of them . . . People who know me know that however many years old I am is how many days I celebrate for . I 'm 59 years old , and yesterday was my birthday , so I 'm celebrating for 59 days . I don 't remember when I started this . It may have been on my 30th birthday . That 's the year I had my horseback riding accident , and since that was so traumatic , I figured I needed to celebrate more to make up for that day . For Wayne 's birthday , I went into a fishing store and I told the salesman , " You have to help me . I need 50 presents for my husband 's 50th birthday . " He said , " Lady , just give him a $ 50 gift certificate . " I said , " No , I need you to help me get 50 presents . He 's a fisherman , and this is the store to find fishing presents . " He groaned , but he helped me find 50 things . Wayne always tells me , I cheated because I counted one sinker as a present and one hook and one bobber , etc . But I did get 50 different things , and I wrapped them up individually . Then I made lobster bisque from scratch and a carrot cake , too . Wayne and his buddy , Jay , had gone fishing on his birthday , so when they returned , I was hoping that Wayne and I could have a romantic dinner together , and then I 'd surprise him with all 50 gifts . Best laid plans , right ? Well , Jay came into the kitchen , lifted the pot off of the lobster bisque and sniffed it and he said , " Ooh , I want some of that ! And you made carrot cake ? Oh , I want some of that cake , too ! " Jay has never been shy , can you tell ? Well , we all three sat down to dinner . . . After we ate , I figured Jay wasn 't going any where , so I brought out the bag with 50 gifts and poured it out on the table . Wayne and Jay were like little kids , opening up all the presents . It wasn 't exactly the night I had in mind , but it was fun anyway . When I turned 50 four years later , I told Wayne I wanted him to get me 50 presents , too . He rolled his eyes and shook his head ( how often have I seen this elicited response ? ) , and he said , " I hate to shop . " I said , " I know . That 's why I made it easy on you . I put together a little folder with pictures of stuff you can get and what stores to find them in . It doesn 't have to be expensive . " He asked , " Do I have to wrap all of them individually ? " I shook my head , " Yes . " Can 't I just put everything in one big box ? " I shook my head , " No . " He looked crestfallen . I told him , " I 'll show you some of the things when we walk around different stores . It 's not hard . It 'll be fun . You 'll see . " He gave me a look . You can imagine . Well , my 50th birthday came , and Wayne did good . He got me lots of my favorite things , and he wrapped up each one . He told me , " Debra , I did this for your 50th birthday , but I 'm not doing it for your 60th . " I told him , " Wayne , if I live to be 60 , you 're going to be happy to do it for my 60th birthday . " As I said , I 'm 59 this year , so we 'll see what happens for 60 . Last year , I told Wayne I wanted a microscope . I want to be able to see what kinds of things are on Violet 's fur , for one thing . I know I 'll be putting all kinds of things under that microscope lens . I never got the microscope , but that 's OK . I 'm not a stickler for having things exactly on my birthday . I know eventually I 'll get it . Maybe now that 's he 's home recuperating from his heart attack , we 'll go to Precision Instruments in New Orleans , and look at microscopes this month . For this year , I wanted a telescope . Wayne always looks at me funny when he hears these requests . " No perfume ? " " No , I want a telescope . I 'd like another dog - a little one , but I 'll take a telescope because I know how you feel about more animals . " I tell people I see that it 's my birthday . And I tell them that I want a telescope . If I know what I want , I say so . Sometimes I don 't have a clue what to ask for , but this year , I knew . Well , my friend Beverly , the minister 's wife , invited me to her house for lunch , and after that , we were going to work on some photo displays for our church 's 25th anniversary celebration tomorrow night . When I got to her house , I saw a big gift bag . I had to restrain myself from looking in it until she said , " Before we eat , I want you to open your present . " ( " Yay ! ! ! " ) She knows me so well , as do many of my friends . They know I will recycle the gift bag , so they don 't put my name on the little tag . I opened the card first , and then I opened the gift . It was this : Name a Star Gift Box . I knew immediately what it was because the first time I 'd heard of it , I thought it was such a great idea . A friend of mine gave her brother the gift of naming a star for him . Now I had one ! Beverly said that when I got my telescope , I could look for the star named for me ! After a wonderful lunch of 13 bean soup , angel hair coleslaw , and sweet potato bread , we started work on the photo displays . We worked hard , and we talked the whole time . It was fun and work at the same time . When I got home around 5 : 30 , Beverly had left a message on the answer machine . She said her husband Tim was bringing by one more surprise . Tim got there within ten minutes of her call . He walked up with what I thought was a camera tripod , and I thought , " Wow , I needed a tripod , " but that 's not what it was . It was a telescope ! He said that he and Beverly had been given this telescope by their friends Mike and Darla , but it had been at his dad 's house and they hadn 't used it in years , so Beverly asked him to bring it with him when he came back from visiting with his dad . " What an extravagant gift ! " He said , " You have Mike and Darla to thank . They gave it to us , but we haven 't used it in a long time . " While Tim was telling me about the telescope , Walter was beside himself with joy and jumping up and making monkey sounds and trying to lick Tim in the face . I could almost get a complex because Walter barely moves from the sofa when I come home . I said , " Walter , you act like nobody ever pets you . " He just kept running in circles around Tim 's legs . When Tim left , much to Walter 's chagrin , I called Beverly to express my thanks and delight . I told her it was absolutely perfect , plus Wayne would be happy he didn 't have to buy me a telescope . Beverly said , " Now he can spend twice as much for the microscope ! " " Ha ! I 'll tell him you said that . Beverly , this is just perfect . I have a telescope and a star to find that 's named for me . Thank you , thank you , thank you ! " So that 's the second day of my 59 - day birthday celebration . When people tell me , " Happy Birthday ! I 'm sorry I 'm late , " I tell them , " Hey , you 're not late . I 'm celebrating for 2 months now , so you 're right on time . " After " Happy Birthday , " they ask me , " How many presents did you get this year ? " I think they think I get as many presents as I am in years . That 's only for the milestone birthdays , but , hey , maybe it 's a good idea to do that every year ! I can already hear Wayne groaning . . . . I started writing on November 1st . My library is sponsoring NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month . If you write 1667 words every day during the month of November , you will have a 50 , 000 word novel by the end of the month , which is the same size of The Great Gatsby - just to give you an idea of what 50 , 000 words look like . Anyway , I went to my computer to add the line that I had been thinking about , and when I opened Word , I couldn 't find my novel ! I didn 't panic at first , because I thought , surely it 's backed up somewhere on the hard drive . I could not find it . While I 'm frantically scanning everywhere I can think to look , I 'm simultaneously thinking how am I going to rewrite all those pages ? And to make it worse , the jump drive wasn 't showing up on my computer 's screen . I 've been leaving the jump drive plugged in . I 've used a PC for years , and this is my first Mac , so I 'm not as familiar with its machinations . I thought to touch the jump drive which is plugged into the back of the computer screen - it 's different on a PC . When I touched it , the jump drive icon lit up on the screen . Oh , thank You , God ! So I immediately printed them out in order to have a hard copy of it . I will print out every 5 pages I write each day , so just in case , I will have a copy . I wasn 't worried about losing my novel on the computer until today . Unlike with my dissertation , I had copies of it stashed everywhere , in case the house burned down . I gave a copy to Wayne to keep at his office , my typist had a copy at her house , and I had two copies at home . This was in the days of the floppy disc , and I had copies of the disc everywhere , too . The dissertation was the culmination of 10 years of work , and if I lost it , I don 't know how I would have coped . Luckily , I did not have to find out because I didn 't lose it . When I first started out as a school social worker , I had a supervisor who lost my statistics that we had to hand in at the end of every month . I loved Robert LeBlanc , and he was a good supervisor , but he did have a tendency to lose things . The first time he told me he lost my statistics , which had taken a long , arduous time to compile , I started making copies of everything I handed in to him . So that 's when I started making copies of whatever I was working on and didn 't want to lose . Robert was the person responsible for me getting the job with the Orleans Parish School Board . I had been working as a counselor / probation officer with the District Attorney 's Diversionary Program , where first time felony offenders could complete a counseling program , reimburse victims for any monetary loss , and be on probation for a set amount of time . At the end of their probationary period , their arrest record would be expunged . One of the clients who came through the program was deaf , and he was a student at McMain High School , where there was a program for deaf and hearing impaired students attending ( deaf and hard - of - hearing ) . Robert was the school social worker for the deaf and hearing impaired students , and when he came with his client , he told me about the program in Special Education . I had no idea about school social work , but I wanted to be able to communicate with my client . My boss at the time , Bob , agreed that I could attend sign language classes at Delgado Community College four days a week for 8 weeks . The classes were in the morning for about three hours . In order to become more fluent in sign language , we had to do ten hours of contact with deaf people . One lady in the class suggested finding a deaf church , and I started attending the Canal Street Baptist Deaf Church in New Orleans . It was a small group , but the minister , Donnie Wiltshire , was gifted , and I got so much out of attending there . The deaf people were kind to me , and I was about the only hearing person there , so I had lots of opportunity to practice my sign language skills . It got to the point that I used to talk to myself in sign language . Every time I listened to the radio , I would sign the songs , even when I was stopped at a red light - that would get some looks from other drivers , and when I realized that it looked crazy , I signed below the steering wheel . I worked at the District Attorney 's office as a diversionary counselor for four years . When Robert was going to switch from being a school social worker to working with the PuMcDonogh 24 , McMain , Livingston , Beauregard , Schwartz , Edna Karr , Robert E . Lee , Fortier , George Washington , Danneel , Carver , Ben Franklin . Navigating my way around the schools was another thing I had to learn . Some of those school buildings were huge . I remember so many of the students and can still see their faces in my mind , and all the different personalities . Just the other day , I ran into one of the teachers from McDonogh 24 . What a full life I 've had with so many people . . . Some of the schools had large numbers of deaf students , and some had only one student who needed assistance . I 'd check in with each school weekly , but by the end of two weeks , I went to my supervisor 's supervisor , and I said , " If you want to kill the only social worker you have that knows sign language , this is a good way to do it . " She realized that 17 schools a week was too much , and she cut the number of schools down to 11 . It was still too much , but doable . I always did have a lot of energy . Lots of the names of the schools have been changed because the people the schools had been named for were slave owners . At the time they decided this , I thought to myself , " Yeah , change the names , but what about changing the environment ? The school buildings are falling apart . " The students I worked with had different levels of ability . Some were extremely intelligent , and some were unable to communicate at all , couldn 't walk , and some were blind as well as deaf , and some were autistic , blind , deaf , and developmentally delayed . Back in the days I worked with this population , developmentally delayed was " retarded , " but that term isn 't used any more . When I couldn 't work directly with the students who were developmentally delayed in multiple areas , I worked with the teachers and parents of the children . I was only one social worker with so many students , so I worked in groups with the kids . Most of the time , I was teaching social skills . Their parents hadn 't learned sign language , so there were lots of things that were not communicated to their children . I ended up teaching them things that parents should have been teaching . That 's where I got the idea for my dissertation topic of family communication patterns and self - esteem in relation to deafness . The group of students at Danneel Pre - Vocational School were deaf , but didn 't know much sign language , as they were developmentally delayed . I communicated with them using art . I would bring art books , and they 'd draw what they saw . Some of those kids were talented to the point of being savants . I brought some figure drawing books , but that stopped when Jeffrey 's mom told the teacher , " I don 't want him drawing pictures of naked ladies . " So we improvised and drew other subjects . That 's when I started going to art galleries and getting ideas about things my kids could draw . I would look at the art hung up in galleries , and some of it , I thought to myself , my kids could do better ! And the prices ! Why would someone pay $ 4000 for a big canvas painted red ? Well , it 's almost noon , and I 've only had one cup of coffee , so I 'm going to eat breakfast and read the paper . The front page of the Times - Picayune shouts " Obama Triumphs . " Gotta read all about it . This has been a stream of consciousness entry . I never know where this blog will take me . While I was typing , I saw what I thought was some of Violet 's black fur on the carpet , but it turned out to be a huge spider . I screamed and stepped on it , but had to try to kill it three times . It 's hard to kill a spider on carpet . Walter came in and would have eaten it , but I yelled , " Leave it ! " We 're going to take Walter to the dog park at Bonnabel , and then we 're going to Baskin - Robbins for ice cream . Going there is better than buying a gallon of ice cream from Winn - Dixie - we 'll just have a little ice cream instead of a gallon . I 'm sure our cardiologist would approve . . . . After we come home from our outing , Walter is getting a bath . And then , if there 's time , I 'll run to physical therapy and do my fitness routine . At 6 : 30 tonight , the novel writing group is meeting , and I 'm bringing my 30 pages . I told Wayne I want a telescope for my birthday , so we 'll have to go looking . I 'm not a stickler for having my present exactly on my birthday . In fact , I still haven 't gotten the microscope I wanted for last year 's birthday . I guess it 's more the idea than actually having it . I 'll get it eventually . And eventually we 'll go out to eat at the Pelican Club to celebrate my birthday . Then for Wayne 's 50th birthday , I gave him 50 presents . I remember I got this idea from my friend , Gayle . Maybe she was the one who first gave me 30 presents on my 30th birthday , or was it 40 presents on my 40th ? We were at Home Depot today after we 'd gone to vote , and we were buying daffodil bulbs . I walked down the Christmas decoration aisle , and I spotted the most unusual lighting display . It was a peacock , and it was gorgeous . I found Wayne , and I told him , " I 'm buying this peacock ! " He said , " Good , that can be your birthday present . " I said , " One of them ! " I love costuming at Mardi Gras and Halloween . I confess I have costumes for my animals , but they do not appreciate being dressed in the outfits . This Halloween , as I have done for many past Halloweens , I put on my angel wings , and I coaxed Walter into His own angel wings and halo . Then we went to the chiropractor 's office . Derek and Angelle Stratton are a husband and wife team of chiropractors . They let me bring Walter inside the office . From there , we went to physical therapy . I brought Walter in , and he got lots of love from people there . We were having so much fun , that I decided to pop into the post office next door . It 's so funny when people see you dressed up . I think they 're not sure how they 're supposed to react . Any way , I went inside the post office and asked for the lady who knows me and knows that I wear angel wings on occasion . She wasn 't in , but I asked the post office employees behind the counter to tell her that the lady with wings came by to see her , and to let her know that I brought my dog with wings and a halo to see her , too . Can you just picture that ? Walter and I went home , where I praised him for being such a good sport . I drove back to physical therapy , but this time , without wings . . . Wayne 's brother came to visit from Hawaii . They hadn 't seen each other since Gramps ' funeral in 1995 . He flew in on October 22 , which is their sister 's birthday . This was JoAnn 's birthday surprise - pretty extravagant , right ? Roy has been working in a lab in Hawaii for the past fourteen years , and he 's been incommunicado until JoAnn tracked him down . He started e - mailing and calling , and eventually , he said he would come and visit . I told him , " If you 're going to come visit , do it soon . You know your brother had stents in 2007 , and his heart stopped on the table . Don 't wait too long . " Roy had already bought his airline ticket , and then Wayne had a heart attack on October 11 . I didn 't tell either Roy or JoAnn until after Wayne was home and the crisis had passed . Wayne got out of the hospital on Thursday , October 18 , and Roy arrived the following Monday . Wayne met him at the airport , and when I woke up , there was a message on the answer machine , " Roy was hungry , so we went to get a roast beef po - boy . " My heart fell , and I sighed , thinking of the amount of sodium in a roast beef po - boy . Well , the rest of the week was a culinary tour of New Orleans for Roy as he indulged in all the things he hadn 't had in Hawaii . Wayne cooked a chicken , andouille , shrimp , and okra gumbo , and we ate that Monday night for the birthday party . Of course , there was cake and ice cream ( German Chocolate with Tin Roof Sundae ) . The next day , we went to some of their old stomping grounds . We saw Gramps and Granny 's house and visited another friend , Trapper , who kept us enthralled with stories of some of his adventures . Wayne showed Roy some of Hurricane Katrina 's handiwork . That night , more gumbo . Wednesday , we ate lunch at Drago 's and had raw oysters , char grilled oysters , and fried seafood . We drove to the French Quarter and walked through the all the booths in the French Market . We got coffee and beignets at Morning Call in Fat City . That afternoon , Roy helped me give Walter a bath . Walter absolutely loved Roy . I told my niece that she 'd be jealous if she saw how Walter had taken to Roy . Walter did something he 's never done before . He took a running leap and jumped on to Roy 's lap while he was seated on the sofa . Roy said it was like having a linebacker come at him . The next day , Wayne and Roy went fishing with one of Wayne 's buddies , Jeff , who is a fishing guide . They caught masses of white trout , and they filleted all of them . Can 't remember - did we eat boiled crabs that night ? Sunday , we met up with some more friends , Bob and Dianne , and we ate at another seafood restaurant , so Roy could eat boiled crabs and raw oysters . Afterwards , we went to a grocery store so he could get some file , beignet mix , and Community coffee , to bring back as souvenirs for all the guys he works with . Monday , we got up early so Roy could be at the airport for 6 a . m . When we left the airport , Wayne and I ate at IHOP . He was good - he had a heart healthy omelet . Now we 're trying to get back to eating according to his cardio diet : low sodium and low fat . It was nice having Roy visit , and I 'm glad he got to be with his brother and sister . I 'm really glad JoAnn did the legwork of finding Roy and initiating communication again . He already said he 's planning to return in the spring . Walter will be waiting . . . . We took Walter for a walk around 10 p . m . We just walked around the block because Wayne said he wasn 't feeling well . He didn 't even want to talk . He said all he wanted to do was go home and go to bed . About an hour later , he said he just couldn 't get comfortable and he was hurting . I asked him where his pain was , and he said in his jaw and in his biceps . My internal alarm went off , and I said , " Time to call 911 ? " He said , " Call an ambulance . " I sprang into action , and told the 911 operator that I thought my husband was having a heart attack because of the location of his pain . She said an ambulance was on its way . I told Wayne to take some aspirin and to sit up . I grabbed a bag and stuffed it with our cell phones , wallets , a sweatshirt , something to read , and my interferential current therapy unit . I got a thermos of ice water and my keys , and then I put Walter in the kennel . I turned on the front porch light , unlocked the door , and I kept checking on Wayne to make sure he was still breathing ( ! ) . It took the ambulance about 15 minutes to get to our house . They emergency medical techs loaded Wayne into a stretcher and into the ambulance . I watched from the back window of the ambulance as they put electrodes on his chest and did an EKG . Then they said they were taking him to the emergency room at Ochsner . I got in my car and followed right behind the ambulance , thinking all the while that Wayne was going to die , and I was going to be planning his funeral . The hospital was only about 12 minutes away . I parked the car and went into the hospital with the EMT 's and Wayne on a stretcher . It was about midnight by this time . The EMT named Scott gave all the information about Wayne to the admitting nurse . I was directed to someone else who asked for Wayne 's insurance card . Then I was back waiting in the ER hall with Wayne . The ER doctor asked Wayne what his symptoms were . The doctor seemed so calm , and so did all the nurses . Pretty soon , a room in the ER was available , and Wayne was wheeled into the room . We waited and hadHe 'd already been prepped and put into a hospital gown . I kissed him as he was wheeled into the cardiac unit , and I waited in a tiny room right outside the unit . I texted our minister , Wayne 's boss , his sister , my brother and cousin , and several of Wayne 's friends . I didn 't expect anyone to answer because it was so late . Wayne had been worried about who was going to take his place at a meeting he was supposed to be going to at 9 in the morning . Any time you have to go to the emergency room , you know it 's going to be a long wait . I was thankful I 'd packed a protein bar , gum , and a sweatshirt , and that I 'd brought water , a book on tape , and my interferential current therapy unit . I sat and listened to my book and waited . After about 40 minutes , Dr . Subramaniam came out of the unit and talked to me . She recognized me from all that long time ago . She said that he had one artery that was completely blocked and she 'd put a stent in it . He would have a follow - up visit with her in two weeks . I was relieved . I 'd been through this before with stents and knew this procedure . But Wayne had never had a heart attack before . It must have been about four in the morning by this time . Wayne was wheeled out of the cardiac unit , and he was a little drowsy from the fentanyl and versed he 'd been given . I kissed him , and the nurse said to give her about 20 minutes and then I could come to his room in the ICU . I found his room and sat in the chair next to his bed and held his hand and rested my head on the bed . I was so grateful that he was OK . The nurse gave me a brochure and a small card that explained about the stent implant location . His stent was in the OM - Obtuse Marginal . Wayne is supposed to carry the card with him - the card has a sticker with the stent 's size , lot number , and reference number . Who knew ? Messages started coming in on the cell phone . Our minister said he would come by about 8 a . m . Wayne 's boss texted me , " Which Wayne ? Who is this ? " I think it was hard to believe that this had happened , and when it happens to someone around your age , you think it could happen to you , too . Everyone was shocked when they heard what had happened . Our minister had e - mailed the prayer request in to Al , who leads the prayer meeting , so everyone in church was praying for Wayne . About 6 : 30 or 7 , breakfast was brought in for Wayne . The doctor had said that from now on , it was low sodium for him . Our minister and his wife came to visit and pray with us about 8 : 30 . Another comfort . You have no idea how much it means until you 're in the hospital yourself . I remember waiting to have surgery , and Earline , our assistant pastor , came in to pray with me . When I saw her , I announced to all of my fellow patients in the holding room awaiting their surgeries , " There 's my minister ! " All of us were happy she came to see me ! I was worried about Walter needing to go outside to pee , and I called our pet sitter . Thank God , she had a key to our house even though we haven 't gone on vacation in two years . After Wayne talked with his boss , who reassured Wayne that he didn 't need to worry - he would make sure that someone from the office would be at the 9 o ' clock meeting , I decided it was OK for me to go home and sleep . I kissed Wayne and let him rest . There were lots of phone calls and texts to return . My brother and cousin and stepmom offered to come . I told them if I needed them , I would definitely ask , but it was OK right now . I returned to the hospital and stayed with Wayne until the ICU visiting hours were over . He 'd told me the doctor said there wasn 't much damage to his heart . I hadn 't even known to ask that question when Wayne 's sister and stepmom had asked me . Dr . Subramaniam said it was OK for Wayne to go home the next day . I slept Thursday night , and then , Friday morning , I was awakened by the phone . It was Wayne saying , " Come get me ! " I got dressed quickly and got to the hospital . The only restriction Dr . Subramaniam gave him was that he couldn 't lift anything more than five pounds . She had given Wayne three new prescriptions , so we stopped at CVS on the way home . Wayne took a shower , and I know he was glad to be home . He didn 't have any pain at all . Our minister came by with a salad and some fruit that his wife had put together for us . We were trying to institute compliance with the doctor 's orders . Wayne slept well that night , and the next afternoon , our friends , Bob and Dianne came over to visit and brought three ( ! ) low sodium cookbooks and three bottles of Frere Jean low sodium Cajun seasoning . It was four o ' clock , and both of us were still in our PJ 's . Dianne had said that she didn 't call before they came over because she thought surely we would be dressed . I told her , " What for ? We were resting all day ! " Wayne and I quickly threw on some clothes . That night we had the rest of the salad our minister 's wife had made for us . We were both in church on Sunday , and everyone came up to Wayne to hug him and tell him how glad they were to see him . They 'd all been surprised to hear that he 'd had a heart attack . Many of the women asked me how I was . I told them I was OK , but that it was going to be hard to keep Wayne on a low sodium diet . I was trying not to be hyper vigilant about salt in his diet . They sympathized with me and hugged me . They told me they would be praying for Wayne and for me , too . Wayne and I took it easy that afternoon . We watched a movie , and we took a short walk with Walter . Both of us were recovering from the whole hospital ordeal . I woke up at 6 : 30 Monday morning to Wayne shouting , " Debra , wake up ! Call 911 ! " I 'd been sleeping hard , and it took Wayne several times of shouting , " Debra , wake up , " before I clambered up from the depths of sleep . I asked , " What 's wrong ? " He said he was having chest pains . As soon as I realized what he was saying , I popped up out of bed and ran to the phone to call 911 . I told Wayne to take aspirin . The ambulance got there in about 10 minutes , and then another ambulance came . The first EMT 's were going off duty , but they were closer , so they came to the house until the the second ambulance and EMT 's got there . I was rushing around grabbing things - insurance cards , cell phones , water , book on tape , protein bar , etc . All of a sudden , I realized my neighbor , Amy , was in the house . She asked , " What can I do ? Do you want me to come to the hospital with you ? " I asked her to please walk Walter and gave her a key to the house . Outside some more neighbors were gathered by the ambulance , and I told them what had happened . The EMT 's gave Wayne an EKG in the ambulance and also gave him nitroglycerin . They told me they were bringing him to Ochsner 's ER . I followed in my car , praying that I wouldn 't be stopped by the police because I was speeding . When we got to the ER , the nurses said , " I remember you . Weren 't you just in here ? " Wayne joked that he missed them and wanted to come back . Dr . Subramaniam was on her way - the EMT 's had alerted the ER , so the cardiologist had been called already . She said they were going to go back into his heart with the angiogram , and she would do the procedure the next day . Wayne was going to be admitted from the ER to the hospital , but it was full ! We had to wait until the afternoon until a bed was available . Finally , he got a room . This was a private room with a shower . I joked that it was like having a hotel room except he was hooked up to all kinds of monitors . I went back home , showered , and fell into a deep sleep . I woke up hearing a lawn mower , but went back to sleep . When I finally gotWayne was scheduled to have the angiogram Tuesday morning , but Dr . Subramaniam had an emergency . She walked into Wayne 's hospital room around 1 or 2 that afternoon and explained that she wasn 't going to do the procedure at 5 or 6 , since she 'd had the emergency , but that she 'd do it Wednesday morning , first thing . Wayne said , " Good . I want you fresh ! " I left the hospital that afternoon , got something to eat , and then returned to sit next to Wayne . I was texting and calling everyone to keep them up to date with what was happening . After a while , I left and went home , fed all the animals , took my vitamins , and went to sleep . I was going to get there early for Wayne 's procedure scheduled for 7 : 30 . When I got to Wayne 's hospital room Wednesday morning , our minister was already there . He and I walked with Wayne as he was wheeled into the cardiac unit . Tim waited with me through the procedure . I told him I appreciated him waiting but that he didn 't have to do that . He said that with heart procedures , he felt better about waiting with me until we knew what was going on with Wayne . About 40 minutes later , Dr . Subramaniam came out into the tiny waiting room and explained what had happened . She did the angioplasty , and she couldn 't get the stent in until she used the balloon to expand the artery . She put one stent in , and then she put another further in to open the artery . The first stent was in the proximal RCA - Right Coronary Artery , and the second was in the Ostial RCA . Still not sure what ostial is except that it was further in . Wayne was wheeled back to the Cardiac ICU , and I sat with him . His food cart came at lunch , and he ate a little and went back to sleep . I left to go get some lunch . All through this , since last Wednesday , I had lost my appetite , but I was eating just for fuel . I was trying to take care of myself to be in good shape to be able to take care of Wayne . We had no groceries in the house , because Wayne had been in and out of the hospital almost a week . I went to the grocery store to get a few things . I got no - sodium chicken broth to make a spicy pumpkin soup I 'd seen a recipe for in the Sunday paper . If Wayne couldn 't have sodium , he could have other spices at least . Thursday morning , Wayne called . He said Dr . Subramaniam was releasing him . Yay ! It took a while for the paperwork to be processed , but he finally got discharged about one that afternoon . On the way home , we dropped off some more prescriptions from Dr . Subramaniam . Wayne was feeling good , and it was beautiful outside , so we took Walter for a short walk around the block . I checked in with him a lot : " How are you feeling ? Any pain ? Do you have your nitro in your pocket ? Did you take your medicine ? Did you see how much sodium that has on the label ? " Any way , here it is November 2nd . Wayne 's doing well . Wayne went to church that Sunday . Everyone was shocked that he had gone back in the hospital again , and they were so happy to see him after all of that . He 's not supposed to used a razor because he 's on blood thinners . We haven 't gotten an electric razor , so he 's letting his beard grow in . It 's all white , so he looks a little like Santa Claus . I want to get him a blue sea captain 's hat because that 's another thing he resembles , a Greek sea captain . Every day is precious , and I 'm glad he 's OK . We 're both taking it easy , and he 's not going to work until next year . His boss told him , " When you come back to work , you 're taking a day off every week . " I 'm so happy he said that . After the first hospital episode , Wayne was saying he 'd be back at work after two weeks . I didn 't say anything . The the next heart episode happened , and he said he 'd be back at work by December 1st . I suggested that since December had a long Christmas break , he might as well consider taking that month off , too , since he has the sick leave and vacation leave available . So he decided not to go back to work until January . He has his follow - up visit with his cardiologist next Monday . I 'm going with him . I 've been needing to write all this down , but this is the first time I 've been able to write . As I have been writing , I realize how much happened . He got out of the hospital October 18th . It 'll be about 6 weeks before he starts cardio rehab . He said the doctor wants to make sure the stents are firmly implanted before he does cardio exercise . Wayne 's brother came to visit on October 22nd , but that 's a story with pictures for another time . . . This is my longest post yet . And I started it right after I wrote 1823 words for NaNoWriMo - National Novel Writing Month - a program at my libray . OK - enough writing for one night . I started writing at about 9 : 30 , and now it 's 3 o ' clock in the morning . Go to sleep ! This morning , I slept until I woke up - no alarm clock woke me . This is one of the best parts of being retired . For more than 35 years , I . . . Nobody tells you that being retired is weird . I was so happy to leave my job , but everyone else is still working . It 's a whole other w . . . |
Posted on August 2 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 This has been a tough week . Nothing really in particular has gone wrong and I haven 't had some sudden change of heart , but it has been the first time on the trail that I 've had the thought of actually wanting to go home . I hate to admit that . We started this week by going into NYC for the second time . We had slept literally ten feet from the train tracks the night before and had been kept up all night by loud steam engines whizzing right past our heads . We groggily took the train in the morning into the city , but quickly realized that nowhere would let us in with our hiking packs . This led us to running around all day from museum to museum like chickens with our heads cut off , only to be told that we couldn 't enter . The highlight of the trip was the night when we went to dinner with several of my theatre friends from college and Shakespeare and Company . It was great to see all of them . It really rejuvenated my spirit . I told them stories from the trail and they told me about all of the exciting projects they are working on . I wish I had more time to spend with each of them . As my acting professor , Dr . Pender , would say , spending time with them " feeds my soul " . Their hearts are so open and honest and I find I 'm able to have vulnerable conversations with them in ways that I often struggle to have with most of the hikers . The next day my friend let us leave our packs at her place so we were able to get to The Museum of Natural History and the Staten Island Ferry to see the Statue of Liberty . I quite enjoyed both ! Overall , NYC was an exciting and soul feeding trip , but the combination of lack of sleep , limited funds , navigation problems and the general stimulation over - load of the big city led to high tensions on our return trip . I had several meltdowns while hiking that day . I started to think about how nice it would be to take a shower , sleep in a real bed , and use a flushing toilet when suddenly these thoughts had consumed me . I wanted to get away . I didn 't sleep well that night or the night after . Like I said earlier , I wanted to go home . The only problem is that I am an unbelievably stubborn person and refuse to ever give up on anything , so I had to find a solution . It took a couple days of walking , and thinking , and walking while thinking , but I eventually figured it out . On the trail , we often say the phrase , " hike your own hike " . I 've been hiking with a group since my first day on the trail and have been so focused on the needs of the group that I hadn 't really been hiking my own hike . I came out here to find my own strength and test my limits , but have had a security blanket around me the entire time . Don 't get me wrong , it was great to have that , but now I 'm ready to take it off . My goal this week is to put me first . I 'm going to stop at waterfalls when I feel like it and camp near a view if that 's what I need to do . Last night I got to the Berkshires in Massachusetts and went to see Henry V at Shakespeare and Company ( where I trained a couple summers ago ) . Next to this adventure , training at Shakespeare and Company is the best thing I 've ever done for myself . The whole time I was at the show I was thinking how good it felt to be home . I miss that place so much and I know I 'll be saying the same about the Appalachian Trail in a few months . This week I will hit my halfway point , which brings up a lot of emothions . I don 't know what the second half will hold , but I can 't wait to find out . And I will find out ! I don 't know exactly what I 'm trying to find out here , but for now my goal is to be selfish and do what makes me happy . I 'm ready to hike my own hike ! Posted on July 25 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 First off , I need to apologize for not posting a blog last week . It was a very busy week , but also I was just being lazy . Last week I celebrated my birthday , passed the 900 mile mark , saw my parents , crossed from Pennsylvania to New Jersey to New York , saw a rattlesnake and a bear , and celebrated two months on the trail . In order to make up for my lack of writing , I promise to make this post as exciting as possible . Flash back to July 15 . We had been pushing big miles for about a week so that we could make it into New Jersey for my birthday . There are a couple reasons for this . One , we wanted to get out of Pennsylvania because its rocky , rainy and has too many mosquito 's . Two , you can buy a six pack of beer at Wal - Mart in New Jersey . Back to the story . We had just reached New Jersey and needed to hike 15 miles the next day to make it in to town , so Jokes and I decided to camp on the top of a mountain next to a fire tower . The sign said not to , but we climbed to the top of the tower to watch the sunset . It was beautiful ! Later that night I couldn 't sleep , so I took my sleeping bag outside , laid on it , and looked at the stars for about an hour . The sky was clear , the wind was blowing and I could see every star the universe had to offer . I even saw three shooting stars . I can 't tell you what I wished for , but the people I love should be looking for very positive things in the near future . It was a pretty great way to ring in my 22nd birthday . The next morning we woke up to about 20 geese around our tent , we packed up our stuff and Jokes sang me a lovely rendition of Happy Birthday before we headed out . Gosh , it was a perfect day . After hiking those 15 miles through perfect weather and perfect views ( and narrowly avoiding a rattlesnake ) we reached a lakeside restaurant / bar in Branchville , New Jersey . I met some nice locals who bought me a birthday drink , then up walks " Soul Flute " ( one of the guys who gave me amazing trail magic my second night on the trail ) . He thru hiked a few years ago and just happened to be doing a day hike in that area on my birthday . He 's a bartender , so once he found out it was my 22nd birthday , he went up to the bar and had them make me a really fancy drink . It was delicious ! After that , Dexter , Lost Boy and Ma ' am showed up . Ma ' am had hiked 1300 miles , but had to get off the trail to go back to work . Her husband was driving to Branchville that day to pick her up , so she had him pick up a fresh watermelon on the way . This may seem like an odd thing , but it was my birthday request . We cut up the watermelon and shared it with everyone at the restaurant . Once we filled up on watermelon we went over to a nearby Mexican restaurant to stuff ourselves even more . The food was delicious and there was even a Mariachi band to sing to me . We said our goodbyes to Ma ' am , then ( somewhat sneakily ) set up our tents behind a pizza place in town . Just as we were about to go to bed , Jokes pulled out a Little Debbie birthday cake with candles and a " Birthday Girl " pin . I have the greatest friends . A couple days later my parents made the drive all the way from Georgia to New Jersey for some post - birthday celebration . They picked up me , Dexter , Lost Boy and Jokes from the trail , we got a delicious dinner , then we all went to my mom 's friend Carolyn 's house for the night . My mom and Carolyn have been best friends since sixth grade , so it was pretty neat to watch them hang out like old times . Carolyn and her husband Mike and their son Ben treated us like royalty . Hot showers , laundry , beds and cookies included ! The next morning my parents , the boys and I took the train into New York City . The boys went off on their own , while my parents and I went into the Drama Book Shop ( my favorite place in the city ) . I was having the time of my life looking at their new scripts and all of their different translations of Chekhov , when my friend Danny walked in . He was a high school friend of mine and now works there . It 's funny how even in such a big city the world is still pretty small . After that fun interaction , we walked over a few blocks to see The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night - time . If you 're ever in NYC , you need to go see this play . It was phenomenal ! All of the actors were good , but the lead boy was out of this world ! His entire performance was jaw dropping and to add to it he 's only a year out of college . I definitely want to see that show again . After the show we headed to the Shake Shack to meet Jason , a family friend who lives in the city . It was great to catch up . It 's funny to me how only two months in the woods can make you so separate from society . Just being around that much noise and that many people had me pretty overwhelmed , so we decided to end the night by heading over to Central Park . You can 't even take this girl out of the woods for a day . The next morning we met back with the boys and took the train out of the city . My parents got us back to the trail , then slack packed us all day , which is when you just carry a small amount of food and water for the day and they drive our packs to the days end location . It was awesome . By the time we got to the park where we were all meeting , they had a feast ready for us . Jokes hikes significantly faster than the rest of us , so he had spent the last hour or so grilling with my dad . We gobbled up our delicious meal , said our goodbyes to my parents , then went back to the shelter . It 's good to be back on the trail , but I do already miss my parents . Well , that 's about it for now . I hope that was exciting enough . Oh , and the boys and I had so much fun in the city that we decided to go back in . We will be taking a train in tomorrow morning for a two day adventure . It should be a good time . Let me know if you 're in the city and want to hang out . Also , several people have asked me what I want for my birthday . I don 't want anything . I have everything I need in my pack . However , as many of you know , I am raising money for an orphanage in Swaziland called Heart For Africa . While I have everything I need , thousands of children in Swaziland do not . I encourage you all to take a look at the Heart For Africa blog posted below . These babies are in dire need of love and assistance . Heart For Africa is currently home to about 100 abandoned babies . For my birthday , I would be ecstatic if everyone who reads this blog gives just a $ 10 donation to this fantastic organization . How cool would it be if our donations literally saved the life of a child . I can 't think of a single greater birthday wish . Posted on July 12 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 So much has happened this week . I 'll start pretty much where we left off . The morning after the 4th of July activities we headed out of town . It was super easy terrain and we were averaging about four miles per hour , so the whole crew decided to go into the next town with me to pick up a package and get a hot lunch at the diner . We didn 't want to have to carry our packs with us all the way into town , so I suggested hiding them in the woods by the road . Dexter and I hid ours in one spot while Lost Boy and Chance hid theirs in another . I 'm sure you can guess where this is going ! When we finished lunch and got back to the trail a couple hours later , Lost Boy and Chance discovered that their packs were missing . In an instant our day turned to panic . Everything we own is in those packs . The boys ran off in different directions to see if they could catch the thieves . Along the way , Chance found an empty beer bottle that he was certain came from his pack . They had purchased beer for the 4th and packed out a few to enjoy at camp that night . Soon after that , they found an older couple outside their home who said some of the boys from the nearby trailer park are known for stealing from neighbors . Meanwhile , the cops arrived and were getting descriptions of the packs and their contents when our friend Regular Goat walked by . Dexter and I ran up to ask if he had seen anything , when he pulled out his phone to show us a picture of the two packs he saw on the side of the trail . He had taken the picture because he said the packs were completely ransacked and it looked like hikers had been murdered . He wanted the picture as evidence ! ! ! After retrieving the backpacks , Regular Goat said the boys and the cops searched through their belongings to discover that absolutely nothing was missing , except one beer and a $ 20 dulcimer ( a small guitar ) from Chance 's bag . We were ecstatic . Maybe the kids stealing them got scared and dropped them , or maybe they had a change of heart . I like to think it 's the later . We hiked a few more miles to the net rest stop where we saw our friend D . No sitting at a bench playing the dulcimer . Turns out Chance had absentmindedly put it down near a tree earlier in the day and forgot to pick it back up . Those kids caused a whole lot of scare for one beer ! To make the day even better , there was a ridgerunner who was passing out free beers . It turned out to be a pretty good day . Now flash forward a little . We 've been pushing pretty big days recently , so that we could make it to New Jersey for my birthday on the 16th . We have done several 20 's in a row and on this day , we wanted to push 24 miles into town . This is all fine and dandy until the trail decided to try to kill us . We were making extremely good time and were only a few miles out of town , when it started to downpour . Within ten minutes , the rain was so thick that we couldn 't see a person 20 feet in front of us . Ten minutes after that , the trail had turned into a quick flowing river and thunder and lightning was all around us . We finally got within maybe a half mile to town when suddenly the trail plummets straight down the mountain . This was the steepest decline I had ever seen . For the next half mile , we carefully took each step onto slippery rocks , in a flood , at what felt like a 90º angle . Jesus must have been watching over us , because somehow none of us died . I have never felt so happy to reach the bottom of a mountain . After getting dried off and settled into camp , we headed down to the small town bar down the street . Now this place was interesting . They had beer on tap for $ 1 . 25 , five and six year old children running around , and a bartender who was eight months pregnant and smoking . We hung out for a little while , then the bartender showed us a video of a tornado that was over the mountain at the same time we were coming down . Jesus was really watching over us that day ! Life is never boring out here on the trail . Until next time . Four days until my birthday ! Posted on July 5 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 Last week didn 't end how I thought it would . After going to the museum , Breezy ( our host in Washington D . C . ) drove us to her friend " Brave ( s ) " house . Brave fed us all , bought us ice cream , and gave us a place to sleep for the night . Before leaving the next morning , she looked at my foot and told me to call her if I needed anything , whether it be a ride to the doctor or a place to stay for recovery . She 's truly a wonderful trail angel . The next couple of days were really tough on my foot , but I pushed on . However , Monday evening I was pushing harder than usual and when climbing over a fallen tree , I fell and instantly knew my foot was in trouble . I was in a ton of pain and still had five more miles to go to the next shelter . By the time I got there , my foot was totally bruised and swollen . I was sure it was broken . That night I called three people . I called my Mom and Dad to tell them the bad news , and Brave to ask what to do next . Even though she wasn 't able to help me that next morning due to prior engagements , it still felt good to know that there was someone close by who was looking out for me and had my back . The next morning 's walk into town was rough . I started crying partly due to pain , but mostly out of fear of having to get off of the trail . It was when I got a hitch into town that things started to look up . The man 's daughter is interested in walking the trail , so he was asking all of the usual questions , which I happily answered . It was only a few short miles into town but I really enjoyed his company . By the time we got there , he had left a message for the town nurse and told her to expect me , wrote down the address to the clinic , and even gave me a bag of grapes , because I had mentioned that we don 't get to eat fruit very often on the trail . I wish his daughter the best of luck during her hike next year . Unfortunately , when we got to the clinic , we found out that the nurse was on vacation until the next day and they don 't do x - rays . However , the receptionist looked up the closest urgent care facility and wrote down the address for me . While trying to figure out our next plan of action at the town Subway Restaurant , a random local walked in and asked if we needed a ride anywhere . After telling him my situation and saying I needed a ride to urgent care , he dropped everything and drove fifteen minutes out of his way to get me there . When we got there he gave me his number and told me to give him a call when I needed a ride back . Also , this whole time Brave was calling and texting to check up on me . After a very stressful couple of hours at urgent care , the doctor told me that the x - rays came out clean . Nothing was broken ! To say I was relieved would be an understatement . Minutes after calling the kind man from earlier , he was there to pick me up . He had even found a free place in town for me to stay and recover if my foot had been broken . When we got back to town , Dexter , Lost Boy and Excalibur were all sitting there waiting for me . We all went out to lunch , then they bought me ice cream to celebrate unbroken bones ! It has been a good week . For the Fourth of July we wanted to hitch into Gettysburg to watch Civil War battle reenactments . While that didn 't work out , we did get to watch homemade boat races , saw a professional production of Damn Yankees at the Allenberry Playhouse in Boiling Springs , PA , watched fireworks and were once again welcomed into the home of complete strangers who were having a Fourth of July party . They fed us , gave us beer , let us take showers and washed our wet clothes . In fact , I 'm currently tenting in their front lawn and have been promised a homemade breakfast before I begin hiking in the morning . Posted on June 28 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 It has been yet another eventful week . I 've covered many miles , two states and one district . It really began on Wednesday when we tackled the " roller coaster " . I had been hearing tales of its difficulty for weeks . It 's described in the guidebook as 13 . 5 miles of tightly packed ascents and descents , which essentially translates to " the least fun roller coaster ever " . Luckily , it had stormed the night before , which lowers the temperature considerably and we started hiking around 6 : 00am , so we were able to make it through the roller coaster and to a hostel around 1 : 00pm . The hostel was stone and looked like a castle . It was a great place to rest and prepare for the next day . To be honest , I was kind of underwhelmed at the difficulty of the coaster . I guess that means I 'm getting better at this hiking thing . The next morning the owners of the hostel made us chocolate chip pancakes , then we were on our way . Unfortunately , I 've been having a bit of foot pain lately . Since my second day on the trail my third metatarsal has been hurting on and off , but a few days ago while hiking I heard a pop and the pain has been high and constant since then . I was in a lot of pain Thursday morning , but I really wanted to hike 20 . 5 miles into Harper 's Ferry that day , so I did . A section hiker looked at it during my lunch break and thinks it might be a hairline fracture . Oops ! I reached Harper 's Ferry around 6 : 00pm and walked right to the Appalachian Trail Conservancy . Harper 's Ferry is known as the unofficial halfway point , so that 's where they built the Conservancy . So many people drop out before this point that they don 't have you register until 1000 miles in . Being a flip - flopper , I 'm only about 550 miles in , but they still let me register . I was the 178th flip - flopper to reach this point . Friday morning , Dexter , Lost Boy , Butcher , Spider and I took the train to Washington D . C . for a day trip . Soon after arriving , we found a Farmers Market and decided to check it out . We looked at a few booths when one of the vendors waved us over . It turns out that she was a hiker last year and knew Spider ( he hiked last year as well ) . She told us to come back when she got off work and she would show us around the city . To pass the time , we walked over to the monuments . Spider and Butcher thought it would be a great idea to walk across the Reflection Pool in front of the Lincoln Memorial . They were fully ready to be taken off to jail , but somehow , no one even batted an eye . And I have video proof ! After that , we found a beautiful stage next to the Washington Monument , so we got on it and sang a few songs . We were about to leave and I couldn 't resist , so I got up there and performed my favorite monologue from The Merchant of Venice . It felt amazing to perform some Shakespeare again . By the time we got back to the Farmers Market my sister had texted me about the Supreme Court ruling . We helped our new friend pack up her booth , then walked over to the Supreme Court . We celebrated with all of the gay and straight allies for hours . It was a blast ! There was a bit of hate going on but ultimately there was an overwhelming sense of love . I 'll never forget that day . By this point we had been hanging out with the girl from the Farmers Market for hours and felt very comfortable around her , so she offered to let us sleep and shower at her apartment . Of course we accepted . After cleaning up at her place we went out for drinks , then walked over to the Jefferson Monument . It was around 1 : 00am and all lit up . It was a beautiful sight . I could have stayed there all night . In the morning we went over to the Museum of Natural History and now we 're going back to the trail . Virginia was nice , West Virginia was cool and it 's on to Maryland tomorrow . It 's a good week to be an American . Good thing it 's almost the 4th ! I 'll tell you more about those plans next week . Posted on June 21 , 2015June 21 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 This week , I celebrated being on the trail for one month . That means a few things . It means I 've beat the main drop out point with nearly 50 % of hikers having dropped out by the end of Virginia . I 'm still alive , hiking has become habitual and I 'm having even more fun than I could 've ever imagined . I was talking to one of my hiker friends the other day and he was saying , " ya know , these are the good ole days . It 'll be stories from this trip that we 'll tell our grandkids about in fifty years " . Now , I 'm not saying that every day is all sunshine and daisies . This is really hard and there are definitely days when I think about how easy it would be to quit . In fact , this is probably the hardest thing physically and mentally that I 've ever done , but each day I just remind myself that I can do anything and with each mile I walk , this becomes more and more true . It 's funny , because I came out here with the expectation of solitude and self reflection , and while I have gotten a bit of that , I 've been amazed at how vital the friendships I 've made have been to the success of this trip . For me and many others I 've talked to , the people are the best part . I truly hope that I maintain some of these friendships for years to come . These are some of the most kind - hearted , genuine , and generous people I 've ever met . It 's fascinating to hear everyone 's reason for coming out on the trail . Most of us have our surface level reasons , whether it be that we met someone who did it or had a few months open , but when you get to know people a little better there 's almost always a much deeper reason for their journey . There are a lot of broken people out here . I don 't really know what else to say about that other than it 's oddly beautiful to see us all collectively working together in our individual healing . I hope everyone finds what they 're looking for or at least a sense of peace . With this week coming to a close , as well as reaching the end of Virginia in the net few days , I find myself sitting in a shelter in the middle of Tropical Storm Kim with some of my new friends mere feet away , writing to you guys and reflecting . I miss home a lot . This past week has definitely been the most difficult one yet , but as the days go on I 'm coming to realize that out here in the woods is the most at home I 've felt in a very long time . I feel safe , loved and confident . I wouldn 't trade this experience for the world . A few days ago I walked 26 . 2 miles in celebration of a month in my new home . We woke up early , did 13 miles by one o ' clock , got awesome Trail Magic , went a mile out of my way to get a blackberry milkshake , got lost with about eight other people for nearly an hour , then finally made it into camp . It wasn 't easy and I was in quite a bit of pain by the end of the day , but I walked a marathon and I 'm darn proud of it . Most people don 't get why I 'm out here and that 's fine . But I know I 'm exactly where I need to be . I think I 'm going to walk another marathon tomorrow . Posted on June 13 , 2015June 14 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 What started off as a bad week ended up becoming one of my favorite on the trail . It began with Spriglet having to get off the trail due to a leg injury and some family stuff . This was a big blow to our team . We miss him a lot . That same day , I got dehydrated and nearly passed out / threw up several miles up the mountain . Now flash forward to Thursday . After a long , hot slow day of hiking I met several ladies in a women 's hiking club . We talked for a bit then they gave me some candy and suggested that I spend the night on top of Spy Rock . I didn 't know what it was , but that gave me the little push I needed . They also mentioned that they would be doing Trail Magic at a road crossing Saturday morning . I got to Spy Rock just before sunset and all my friends were already there . We rock climbed all of our stuff up to the top where there was a perfect 360º view and watched the sunset with Candy and Poptarts . Afterwards , Excalibur and Jokes and I cowboy camped under the stars . I can 't imagine a more perfect night ! In the morning we were determined . There was a big day ahead of us . By 9 : 00am we had hiked four miles to " The Priest ' shelter to confess our sins . The Priest is a famous shelter on the AT where thru hikers confess rules they have broken and write them in a log book . It was hilarious to read everyone 's entries . I confessed that I had yellow blazed 14 miles from Pearisburg to The Captain 's Party and deeply regretted it . We hung out there for a while and then were off . We hiked four more miles up a mountain and then down about 4000 feet . At the bottom we got a hitch to a nearby campground where the owner gave us a bunch of free snacks . It was awesome ! I ate ice cream , chips , soda , sour patch kids , two chocolate bars and drank a Coke . Then after all that the owner gave us a free hitch back to the trail It turns out that he is a past thru hiker and just likes to help us out . It was already 2 : 30 by the time we got back to the trail and we didn 't really think that it would be possible to reach our goal destination before sundown , so we decided to take a quick swim in a nearby swimming hole . It was fun , but after about an hour , we heard thunder and knew we had to get moving fast . We got soaked , but it didn 't really matter , because we knew we still had to do a huge climb straight up the mountain . It was exhausting and morale was low , but after many hours we got to the top . It was just before 7 : 00 . Without much consideration , we made the snap judgement to make the final push to the Devil 's Backbone Brewery . The only problem was that there was only about an hour and a half of sunlight left and we had almost six miles to walk . Most people hike at a rate of about 2 . 5 miles per hour , so we knew we had to cruise . We also didn 't know if the brewery closed at 9 : 00 or 10 : 00 , but we were determined . I 've never hiked so hard in my life . We ran , fell and tripped a lot , but somehow made it to the road crossing by 8 : 20 . After a few minutes we got a hitch and made it there before 9 : 00 . The best part was they didn 't close until 10 : 00 ! We got hamburgers , nachos and plenty of beer and just had a wonderful time . If you are ever in the area , you need to go to Devil 's Backbone Brewery . It 's some of the best beer I 've ever tasted , great food , and really nice staff . I 'd for sure give it a 10 out of 10 ! After they closed we set up camp on their property ( they allow free tenting too ! ) and fell asleep . Now I 'm sitting here writing this in the beautiful Virginia mountains and am about to get a full hiker breakfast from the brewery ( did I mention that this place is awesome ? ) , then it 's back to the trail where I belong . Oh , and the road crossing we are at just happens to be where the ladies are doing Trail Magic this morning . They said it 's mimosas and donuts . I can live with this ! Posted on June 6 , 2015 by kimberlylmaxwell1 This week started with a ride up to The Captain 's Party . Every year , this guy throws a huge party two weeks after Trail Days ( which was where I started my hike in Damascus , VA ) , and has a giant hiker feed . He knows how to throw a party ! There was tons of food , beer , limbo , karaoke , a bonfire and so much more . To get to his house you have to take a mini zipline across a river . Joker and I sang " Jackson " by Johnny Cash and June Carter for karaoke , and while they didn 't announce a winner , we know in our hearts that we won . 9 : 00pm is known as hiker midnight and we stayed up until 2 : 00am singing karaoke and telling stories around the campfire . It was just about perfect . The next morning I packed up and attempted an easy 10 mile hike straight up a mountain . That sucked after staying up and drinking a little too much the night before . After huffing and puffing for hours , I made it to the shelter , and then following a quick nap , I stupidly decided to hike seven more miles to the next shelter . It was getting pretty dark and I was walking slow and a few miles in I see a baby black bear about 30 feet in front of me . He stops , stares at me a second and then runs away from me as fast as his little paws could take him . I was a bit freaked out , but decided to push on . No more than ten minutes later I looked down a little bit to my left to see a big black bear staring at me . This one wasn 't moving . That 's when my last four years of theatre training kicked in . I did what I do best and immediately broke out into song . A couple lines into my rousing rendition of " Get Out and Stay Out " from 9 to 5 , the bear bolted off into the woods . I didn 't know if I should be proud of it or if that bear was telling me I need to practice more . Either way , that 's how I learned to appreciate my training and that I shouldn 't hike after dark . Have a " BEAR " y good week ! 1 . Safety meetings have nothing to do with safety . It took me a very long time to figure this one out ! ( It means you 're smoking illegal substances ) . 2 . Hiker 's food bags look like they were packed by a mix between six year olds and alcoholics . We burn so many calories that we need everything we can get . This includes pop tarts , whiskey and lots of candy . 13 . You are never at the top of the mountain . Saying " it 's got to be the top this time " will lead to disappointment 100 % of the time . 14 . It is very confusing when hikers add you on Facebook . Then after looking at a couple pictures there 's the sudden realization of " Oh ! That 's * insert trail name here * . DAY 1 : Within 5 minutes of my parents dropping me off at Trail Days in Damascus , Virginia , I met " 4Be " , a 66 year old thru hiker who happened to set up his tent next to mine . He introduced me to a bunch of people and we walked the hiker parade together . After the parade I met Red Barron who showed me back to where he and his friends were hanging out / camping . An area known as ( wo ) MAN camp . They welcomed me in , did a shakedown of my pack , then gave me food and free alcohol . Once we were sufficiently intoxicated we went to the bonfire . The only word I can think of to describe it is " insane " . It 's a giant fire with entire tree trunks burning and hundreds of hikers dancing around it . The inner circle was doing tribal dances while the people on the outside were playing drums . I imagine a lot of these people were on drugs . DAY 2 : 4Be and I grabbed a quick breakfast in town before heading for the trail . He has daughters close to my age and one that passed away a few years ago from cancer , so he was very kind to me and took care of me those first few days . We ended up doing 11 . 7 miles my first day out and I am very proud of that . DAY 3 : The day started with us doing a 2000 foot climb almost straight up . It was hard , but 4Be kept me at a good pace . When we got to the top , there was a perfect view . I could tell I was slowing 4Be down and wanted to enjoy the view , so I told him to go on . After hiking a bit more , I set up camp . Minutes after getting in my tent , a bunch of people showed up . They brought hot dogs , baked potatoes , bananas , marshmallows , filtered water , soda , made a bonfire , put up tarps to stop the rain and started playing instruments . It turns out they are past thru hikers in a group called " Riff Raff " who do trail magic ( which basically means doing nice things for the current hikers ) . It was an awesome night filled with awesome people . DAY 4 : This was basically the best day ever ! It started with " Riff Raff " making us breakfast and then I was off . A few miles in I saw a baby calf right on the trail . To its side was the mama and a few feet on the other side was a giant bull with giant horns . It didn 't seem interested in me , but I was very careful walking by . Later on , my friend Cotton and I found a cave to explore . A 50 foot rock cluster to rock climb , and stunning 360 * views . Not long after that we started seeing the ponies of Grayson Highlands . They were the best ! We pet them for a while and took many selfies with them . After many hours of this we made it to the shelter . There were signs that said no tenting , but I decided to ignore them and set up camp . Just as I was about to fall asleep I heard noises outside my tent . It was terrifying until i heard munching and realized it was the ponies . Then , they tried to munch on my tent . The whole situation was hilarious and something I 'll never forget ! DAY 5 : This was the day I got lost . After hiking a little over a mile , I realized I hadn 't seen a trail marker in a very long time . Many prayers and an hour and a half later , I found my way back . Hopefully , that doesn 't happen again for a very long time . DAY 6 : That morning , all of the talk at the shelter was about how you can order pizza from the shelter 20 miles from where we were , so guess what we did ? The first ten miles were done in the freezing rain . Then after lunch Spriglet and I made the final push to the shelter . Our legs felt like jello , but that pizza was worth every step and I slept great that night . DAY 7 : we got a shuttle into the town of Marion , VA for 50 cents . Right as I was getting on the shuttle , 4Be was getting off . It was great to see him again and he even gave me donuts . Spriglet , Castaway , Cotton and I all went in on a motel room . It felt amazing to take shower , wash my clothes and eat real food . Later on we were drinking beer at the motel room and I stepped outside to call Claire ( my college roommate ) . While I was talking to her a van pulled up in front of me , so I walked away . A few minutes later a girl drove up and followed some guy into a motel room . I 'm pretty sure he thought I was a prostitute . Well that 's one for the books ! That 's it for week one . Oh , and I guess my trail name is " Hollywood " . I don 't really know how it happened , but a bunch of people are calling me that now . I 'll let you now if it changes . |
I don 't know what is going on , but as the day progresses , I feel more and more like shit . Ugh . . . I really hope that I am not getting sick . I hate being sick . I can 't decided if it is my stomach or my throat . At times my throat will feel like it is getting scratchy and sore and then other times it feels fine . My stomach , well it just hasn 't been right all day . And I definitely think that the flu is the worst ever and am praying that I am not getting the flu . Swae had the flu and was sick Tuesday when we had them and Eli is sick today . Poor thing woke up getting sick first thing this morning . He is a trooper though because he made it to work for at least half the day ( still getting sick ) . Now he is home and resting . I hope my pain is just sympathy for him ! ! I am so excited for tonight . While Eli lays around at home , I will be meeting up with the guy I used to coach with and two of our old volleyball girls . We are going to pizza and then the UNR basketball game . I haven 't seen my volleyball girls in forever . They were by far my favorites . I was always told that I couldn 't have favorites , but I couldn 't help it . These girls are freaking awesome . And even though they graduated and are in college now , we still keep in touch . It makes me feel like I had some sort of an impact on their life . I was invited by them and their families to go on their graduation trip to Mexico . I didn 't go , but that just goes to show how close I was with them . Plus , I love watching the game . I just hope that I feel better than I do right now . If I wasn 't so excited and hadn 't had these plans for over a month , I would definitely not go . Oh ! ! Last night after work I got a facial . I don 't get them very often and the only time that I do get them is when I get a gift certificate for them ( which is usually from my mom ) . Well , when I was moving offices , I was going through a drawer and found a gift certificate that my parents got me for Christmas . But it wasn 't the Christmas we just had , it was Christmas 2006 ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Yea , I suck . When I called them , thPosted by I am totally still here , but have been so crazy busy that the thought of blogging is just out of the question . Even right now , I shouldn 't be taking even the couple minutes that I am to just check in , but I am . I don 't want any of you thinking that I fell off the planet or something . Nope , still here , still kicking and just busy as ever . I don 't have any down time at work right now . It is kind of nice having work to do and being busy all the time , but I do miss a little down time where I am able to blog about random things with me or read other blogs . I did start writing a post the other day and the stupid thing got erased some how . The damn auto save thing wasn 't working and it just pissed me off . I didn 't even re - write the post or anything . Now I don 't even remember what it was that I was writing about . Oh well . Anyway , have to get back to work . I will try to write some more later or at least tomorrow . Last night was just what the Dr . ordered . A night out with my friends - dancing , cocktails , great people . Doesn 't get much better than that . I hadn 't been out downtown and dancing in forever . I think the last time was some time in February . . . maybe shortly there after . It isn 't because of Eli either . I was getting tired of the going out scene . Doing the same thing ALL the time , seeing the same people , getting drunk , feeling like shit the next day , hangovers , spending too much money . I was just over it . I was a little hesitant about going out last night . I mean , it had been months . I was all nervous getting ready and trying to figure out what to wear . Then I got all weirded out wondering what it was going to be like being out for the first time in forever , if I would fit in , if I would have fun or just absolutely hate it . It turned out wonderful . Everyone that I used to party with made it out . Everyone was more than excited for me to be out and it was just a wonderful time . I danced and danced . Everyone was still raring to go at midnight and that was when I started to get tired and be ready to go home . But , I rallied and was able to pull off staying out with everyone til 3am . While it was a wonderful time , I don 't think I will find myself going out again any time soon . It was fun , but something that would have to be in small doses . I guess I have just gotten to the point where I don 't really want to party all the time . I enjoy my down time and home time very much . I am super tired today . Thankfully I am not hungover though . So I plan on spending the rest of the day relaxing . It will be a nice end to my weekend . Ugh , work already tomorrow ! So happy that it 's Friday and my work day is over . YAY ! ! ! ! I really can 't complain because it wasn 't a bad day . It was just a long one and a very busy one . I was told mid - morning that a few more job duties were being added to my work performance standards , so there wasn 't much down time . I definitely wasn 't complaining either about the work being given to me because I would much rather have too much work , than not enough and be bored . That is really the worst . This was one heck of a week in so many ways . I am now looking forward to some down time , relaxing time this weekend . Only have my Grandma 's birthday planned on Sunday and that is it so far . Lately , there hasn 't been any time at all to breathe on the weekend , let alone relax . Always running here and there and having this and that to do . While it is fun and I enjoy it all , some down time is always great too . Enjoy the weekend all . My goodness . For this week only being a 4 day work week due to the holiday on Monday , it sure has been a long one ! That is how it always seems to work out though - the short weeks last longer than a normal work week . I have been incredibly busy this week . I finally got to move over into the new office , my own office , on Tuesday afternoon . I am still in between jobs and am still doing the work of both , but I am starting to not feel so misplaced . It is nice having my things with me and adjusting to life in a single office . Ever since I have started working , I have always shared an office with at least one other person . For the last 10 months , I have been in an office with two others and my boss close by since one wall is a door that opens to her office . That office gets a lot of traffic . The phone is always ringing , people are always coming in whether it be workers needing something or other people on campus dropping off / picking things up . I always had someone to talk to . Always had someone there even if there wasn 't any words being spoken , they were still just feet away . Yes , there are plenty of times when I found myself alone in there , but there were still the other people coming in . This new office is right next door to the old one . It is very small and a little cluttered at the moment . I have rearranged where the computer sits . I can 't stand at all having my back to the door . I don 't know how people can work like that . It almost gives me anxiety . . . Anyway . Moved the computer and am still in the process of rearranging other things . The job still isn 't " official " so I really can 't do too much or get too comfortable . I do know that one change I am going to make is get rid of a file cabinet that completely boxes me in and put in two lateral file cabinets in the corner of the room . This will significantly open the room up and not make me feel so claustrophobic . Things are going very well at work . I have been busy and feel like I definitely have a purpose here . This would explain for my lack of posting . Hopefully I wilPosted by I was talking to Kara on her way home from work last night and my present got brought up . She says , " Oh , I haven 't checked it in a couple days . . . " Come to find out , she had to hide it in a drawer because Tara 's boyfriends dad came over and they didn 't think it appropriate to have that lying on the counter . As soon as she got home though , she pulled it out of the drawer and sent me the picture ! I do have to admit we were both a little disappointed . We were hoping for it to be busting out of the bowl . Looking at it cracks me up ! The girl who 's babyshower I went to a couple weekends ago had her baby this morning ! = ) I am so happy for their family . The baby is absolutely beautiful . A sweet baby girl ! They are already blessed with two boys . I was so excited to get the picture text this morning and now can 't wait to go visit them in the hospital this afternoon . YAY ! ! ! I love babies ! I am not the only one that enjoyed our girl time last Thursday . From my talk with the girls , they seemed to enjoy it too and now we are making more and more plans together . This week , considering we all have different schedules , we will only be able to go to lunch the end of the week . That is ok with me though because I would rather that than not see them at all . And then I think next week we are going to plan on another dinner night . I seriously can 't wait ! ! ! And this weekend , I get to see my family . not just my parents and sister , but my aunts and uncles and grandma . I am so excited . We are all getting together for my grandma 's birthday . She had a bit of a scare last week . She went to the doctor because she was having some chest pain and a little trouble breathing and they ended up admitting her to the hospital . They didn 't really find anything wrong with her . Just ran a couple tests . Bottom line is that she isn 't active enough and she definitely needs to eat better . She lives alone and doesn 't work , so really , she doesn 't do much of anything all day but play on the computer and watch TV . She has way too much stress on her heart . The scare was so big that she is now moving in with my parents in March . I am just glad that it wasn 't super serious and that she is ok . It is her birthday we will be celebrating and I am just so thankful that she is around for it . After last Friday , it really opens your eyes that something bad could happen out of no where . Some family time is going to be awesome . HAHAH ! I am laughing just thinking about this , so I figure I will share . Kara got me a little gift that was supposed to be funny and a joke . She got me a " sex toy " . I know fun huh ? But it isn 't one that you can use . It is one of those that starts out the size of say a paperclip , then you put it in water and in 10 days it grows to 600 times its size . I was rolling when I opened it and so was she . Come to find out , she got one for Tara , but hers was a little different than mine . We were definitely amused by this for a little while . This is what it looked like in the package . The pictures are blurry because they were taken on my cell . We had to put it in water . I didn 't realize that it took 10 days to get to its max size . We were waiting and waiting and nothing really was changing . Then I read and realized why . Here we are getting a little action from my new toy ! I don 't know if Kara actually licked it , but it sure looks like it ! ! ! Tara just loves the toy in general . . . as you can see from her big smile . I left the toy at Kara 's in the bowl of water . We moved it from the cup it started out in to a tupperware bowl . When it started out it was just the size of the middle square and after three days , I got the following picture . It 's growing ! ! ! ! My friends crack me up . They look like they are so innocent , yet can be dirty ! Oh the fun times that we have had ! It 's been a few days since my last post , but I have to say that I am feeling much better . I don 't feel blah and I definitely am feeling more like me . Always a good thing . I really do attribute all that I was feeling to hormones and maybe a couple other things . I am just glad that I am on an even level right now ! My night with the girls was awesome ! It has been far too long since I had seen them , yet it seemed like no time had passed . I got to Kara 's before Tara did and her and had a glass of wine and just chatted . Once Tara was there , we started talking about wedding stuff for Kara 's upcoming wedding and just talking . It is amazing how therapeutic talking with your best girl friends can be . Kara made us a yummy dinner that she just happened to throw together with a quickness and then we finally exchanged Christmas presents from each other . It really didn 't take long at all before the two of them drowned out my BLAH mood . I was instantly cheered up , laughing , and feeling great . They were just what I needed . It left me wanting to spend more time with them . In fact , we ended up going to lunch on Friday . It was so nice , except for the hungover feeling I was feeling ! Ugh , I don 't know why I do that to myself . I really didn 't even drink that much and think that mixing had something to do with it . We are now planning on meeting up again sometime later this week . I don 't want there to be such a lapse in time before seeing them again . I truly couldn 't ask for two better best friends . Let me just tell you all that I am a whole bundle of emotions right now . And I have no idea why or anything like that . Everything in my life is going good . I have a good job , I am good at what I do . I have a great boyfriend and his two wonderful kids , awesome home life . I have a wonderful family , great friends , work with good people . I have so much wonderful . Then , I have this little black cloud that has been following me around all week . It is so weird . It is unexplainable . I think that I just have a lot on my mind , but I don 't even know how to or where to start sorting everything out . I am feeling very anxious , overwhelmed , agitated , irritated , happy , sad , and the list goes on . I pretty much sound like a wreck and have no reason . If I wasn 't ready to cry right now , I would probably start laughing at what a child I am acting like and how silly at the same time . I guess it being my time of the month could be adding too all this ( sorry if TMI ) , but I don 't know if that is it either . Normally , I don 't ever feel any different when I am on other than sometimes being a little sensitive / emotional . This week : EXTREMELY sensitive and very emotional . Tonight , I am going to go spend some time with my girlfriends . They always make me feel better . It has been far too long since the three of us have hung out and I realized today just how much I miss them . And from the emails that I have gotten today , they miss me as well . So it looks like a relaxed night with great company is in store and hopefully that will help kick whatever the hell is going on with me and my emotions . Tomorrow is another day and I am hoping that it will be a more happy , lighter , better day all the way around . Guess what ? Didn 't go walk with mom . I got held up at work late and was still planning on going . I left her a message I would be a little late and she called back leaving a message saying that she would rather not do it tonight . She had a plethora of excuses : long day at work , stressful , tired , sore , feels like getting a sore throat . Oh well . Guess I will have to wait til Sunday to see her , but at least then I will get to see my dad and sister too . Gosh it has been too freaking long . I probably should have took my happy ass to the gym today since mom couldn 't make it . Should being the opportune word . I definitely didn 't . Instead , Eli and I went out to dinner with his parents . Just what I needed . I wonder how many times I should run ( literally ) up and down the hall at work tomorrow to burn all them calories ? ? ? A lot , too many to think of and to get away with at work . Maybe I should try to be one of those crazy people that gets up at 4am to go work out before going to work . I used to do that back when I was still going to college and working almost 40 hours a week . I lived far from the gym though and didn 't like getting ready there at all . Now , I live about ten minutes away and really could still be able to get ready at home . Huh . . . something to think about . Right now though I am so tired , I am going to put on a movie and curl myself up to Eli and snuggle . That is the only thing that sounds remotely good . I need some sleep . . . I am definitely tired and just a little bit cranky ! I haven 't seen my family since Christmas . Maybe it was right after , but I know I haven 't seen them this year yet ! That is so unlike me . It 's not my fault though . Every time we have plans , something always comes up ( and usually on their end ) and its canceled . It ranges from mom being too tired , dad being up all night the night before working and too tired and most recently , my sister being sick . Well , I know that I don 't want to get sick and I sure don 't want the other three getting sick either . So I have steered clear until she is better . But I miss them . My sister texts me daily telling me how much she loves and misses me . It is so cute . And my parents tell me all the time too when I am talking to them . Mom and I were emailing back and forth the other day and decided that we should have dinner on Sundays . It will be a standing thing that we all know about and can plan around . I thought that was a good idea . Not only that , but my mom is training for a marathon ( she isn 't going to run it , a mix of run / walk ) and asked if I would start walking with her a couple days a week . Hell yes ! Exercise and spending time with mom - can 't beat it ! This will be good for us . And definitely me . Remember the post about getting my ass in the gym ? ? Still hasn 't happened . I did get some exercise hiking my ass back and forth from the truck over the weekend up a freaking hill . That felt good , but totally kicked my ass . Best part will totally be seeing my family . They are so wonderful and I just love the shit out of them . Being caught up is the most wonderful feeling ! It truly is . So much better than being stressed and running back and forth from office to office and feeling behind . It is job security though and it did help my days go by faster than this one is going . Lately I have been very productive at home . I don 't sit down when I walk in the door . The minute I set my purse down I am back on the go - here and there - always picking something up , wiping something up . It is such a great feeling and I love so much when my house is clean . I swear I don 't just pick up after two kids , it is really three . And most the time I think Eli is the one that makes the bigger mess . Gotta love him ! Tonight might be a wine and pain pill night after we drop the kids back off to their mom . I am in so much pain . You would think that I would start to get use to it . Just doesn 't happen though . The case is moving forward though . I have a meeting toward the end of the month and so hopefully I will know more after that . I was going to schedule my epidural for this month , but will now put it off til February . I am really trying to take off as little time as possible from work . I love seeing that my time is building . That damn cruise diminished it all ! It was well worth it though . That 's all for today . I am going to wrap a few things up before I get out of here . I got off work on Friday and on my drive home made sure to have in my mind all that I wanted / needed to pack for the big outing ice fishing . It is something that I have never done and was definitely looking forward to going . When I got home I was utterly surprised . Eli was completely packed and ready to go . And not just his stuff , mine as well . I was a little nervous leaving the house and not being able to see and know for sure what he packed for me , but he assured me that I would be plenty warm . I knew that the whole trip could be ruined if I were to be cold , but I trust Eli , so we walked out the house not even five minutes after I got there . We stopped and picked up his friend and his little boy and were on the road . The trip there was nice . . . a little long but bearable . It is about a three hour drive and the stretch of highway we were on is really the loneliest ever ! But the little boy was a chatter box and kept us laughing . Once there , we checked into our beauty of a motel and then hit the road to go out by the ranch where we went spot lighting a few months back . We drove and drove around , but didn 't see any bunnies . We were just talking about turning around and heading back to the motel since we weren 't seeing anything when all of a sudden a HUGE mountain lion ran across the road . And I am not even lying when I am saying this thing was HUGE ! ! ! It was the craziest thing ever . I feel very fortunate seeing one because I know that seeing one is a rare thing . I had the spot light on him for awhile , but he was long gone . We definitely scared the shit out of him . On our way back out the road we were on , we saw one lonely bunny . Eli got a shot off and dropped it right in its tracks . Back to the room we went . I am not much of a girly girl at all and don 't have to stay in a 5 star hotel to be happy . I can stay in pretty much anything , but this motel that we stayed at was pushing my standards to the limit . I was scared to lay in the bed , walk on the floor without shoes on , definitely couldn 't even form an opinion about thePosted by I didn 't get near accomplished today what I wanted to or should have . Oh well , what can you do . I was very tired after being gone since right after work Friday ( that story and pictures to come ) . I was excited thinking that I could sleep in today , but nope . I remembered I had a baby shower to go to . So I set an alarm and was up earlier than I wanted to be . And let me just tell you how hard it was getting out of bed this morning when I had Eli all snuggled up next to me . But I did . Back to what I wanted to talk about . I used to be the type that hated going some where if I was alone . I always had to be with someone else . I wouldn 't walk in some place ( restaurant or gym ) alone . I would always have whoever I was meeting meet me out front . If I was ever invited some place and didn 't know anyone other than who invited me , I would make up and excuse not to go . It wasn 't to be mean . It was just that I was never comfortable doing it . The twins could never understand it either . They always would ask , " How is it , you can be in a room and talk to anyone and everyone , but you can 't walk into a restaurant to meet us by yourself ? " I didn 't know how to answer it . It was just how I was . Over the years though , I have really been trying hard to break that . I got to the point where I could walk into a club by myself to find my friends , I can walk into a restaurant to meet someone or get a table and wait for someone . I no longer need that other body next to me , that extra level of comfort . That brings up the baby shower . I was invited to a baby shower today for one of the nicest people I know , but where I would know no one really . She is a sweetie . Well , after I told her I would be there , I started getting all bugged out like I would years ago and coming up with endless excuses on why I couldn 't make it . But I knew that it would be so wrong on so many different levels if I didn 't go . I was the first one to show up and I think that helped out my comfort level a lot . I did end up knowing a couple people just from meeting them at other getPosted by I don 't think I can stress how excited I am that it is Friday and I have the weekend to look forward to . I don 't know why , but this has been one of the longest weeks ever . Maybe it has to do with actually working a full 40 hour week - which is the first in about 3 weeks . Working for the State , I am quite spoiled with days off and being able to leave early around the holiday 's . It is really nice and very appreciated . Sitting here thinking about it , I started off the week tired and that never is a good start to a fresh week . And then since then , it has been a bunch of late nights , not a lot of sleep , a couple nights of not sleeping well . Work has been really stressing me out lately and that could account for some of my sleeping problems . I am still doing my old / normal job on top of doing the new job ( which is still unofficial ) . And let me just tell you , that is quite a bit of work . It really seems to put a lot of pressure on me and the bouncing back and forth from office to office gets old . I just keep telling myself that I don 't have much longer and everything will mellow out and become more settled . I do enjoy what I am doing . It just gets a bit overwhelming when I feel as though I am being pulled in twenty different directions . This weekend is going to be very much enjoyed . I am going to have some cocktails , do some spot lighting , ice fishing , a baby shower on Sunday , and who knows what else . It will definitely be nice to get away from the office and all the doings going on around here . I hope everyone has a great weekend . Hopefully I come back Monday with some fun pictures ! ! I had every intention of blogging about my adventures playing Bunco with Eli 's mom last night , but right now , it isn 't going to happen . I have something for my important that my fun last night weighing on my mind . Right now , I am beyond shocked . This post is probably going to be very scattered because that is exactly how my thoughts and feelings are at this point . First of all , I have to point out that my boyfriend is a wonderful father . He does anything and everything that he can for those kids . He is caring , loving , protective , and cherishes the time that he does get to spend with them . He craves more time with them since the time that he does have is limited . Any time that he has the opportunity to have them extra , he jumps on it no matter what else is going on . Those children are his prized possessions . He loves them more than anything else in this world and it is so very clear to see every time they are with him / us . And it is clear to see just how much they love their daddy . When I see how he is and how he is with the kids , I realize just how lucky is ex - wife is . There are so many other dad 's out there that are deadbeat pieces of shit . They don 't follow through wit h paying their child support , they come up with excuses not to see the kids , they don 't do shit with them or pawn them off for someone else to take care of . I am very good friends with a woman who has two kids and divorced . She is lucky if her ex pays her child support . And on the rare occasion that he does , it is late or not the full amount . Not to mention he pays jack shit , but that is beside the point . Not only does the sorry ass not pay , but he also never sees his kids . He was supposed to have them for a little bit over the holiday 's and didn 't even bother calling to arrange a time to see them . There are so many guys like that out there and it is really sad for the kids that are involved . You would think that a woman with kids , who is split from their father , would be happy that the father wants to be a part of the kids life . I understand that thPosted by Last night I didn 't make it to the gym . I know , lazy asshole huh ? But there was a reason . I was driving straight there from work and then is when I realized I packed everything but a sports bra . That is just not right . You can 't work out in a regular bra . Far too uncomfortable . I was so bummed . Although I really wasn 't in the mood to go the gym and work out alone , I was still going to go . Yes , I know I could have gone home , got my sports bra , then gone to the gym . But , I didn 't feel like leaving the house once I was there . I love my home and get so side tracked once there will all that should be done . However , I wasn 't a complete lazy asshole . I did do lunges , squats , push ups , and crunches . And let me just say , I can actually feel the work that I did . So I wasn 't just a huge waste of space . I didn 't even sit down until after 8pm . I was busy doing things around the house , cooking dinner , dishes , laundry , anything that caught my eye really . I was planning on going to the gym tonight . I found my sports bra buried under tons of clothes after being so completely frustrated . Then Eli 's mom called me and asked me to go play Bunco . How can you say no to that ? ? ? I could go right after work , but her and I are working on some stuff at the shop after work . Maybe I will feel motivated enough to go work out after Bunco ? ? We will see . I have been up since 5 : 15am and will be going non - stop for the rest of the day . But I am still going to get my ass in gear and working out again ! ! ! I got to thinking yesterday . Ok not just yesterday . I have actually been thinking for awhile now that I need to stop censoring what I write . I need to branch out and be more open , write about all the crazy topics that come into my head but I don 't write because I know that there are a couple people that have access to this blog that would love nothing more than to use what I write against me , my relationship , my boyfriend , etc . When I was openly writing about the kids and my relationship , comments would be made to Eli and that just isn 't ok with me . That is why I starting blogging about certain things that pertain to him and all things that pertain to the kids on my Hidden Blog . I made it private so that I didn 't have to worry about what might be said to Eli and to be sure that nothing could ever be used against him for any reason . If you are interested in reading that blog , leave a comment telling me . I moderate them , so I would be the only one that sees it and I will be sure to add you . It is sad that this is what it came down to , but that 's what happens when there are immature , jealous people out there . Anyhow , with my thinking , I figured that me not writing about things is going to stop . I am going to start writing about all the things that come to my head . I need to stop letting the worry of the backlash hold me back anymore . What I haven 't decided is if I am just going to go ahead and post it all on this blog or if I will be posting it on the private one and just put on this one that I wrote a post about ' xyz ' on the private blog . Maybe you guys could give me advice on what to do . Regardless , I am going to stop being so censored and so vague . Lately I have felt like a huge lazy ass . I know that I am not lazy by any means , but as far as being motivated enough to work out - LAZY ASS . I was doing so good about going to the gym and then some time in July , I just stopped going . There was no reason for it that I remember . Well , maybe it was because I was working out with my boss and her schedule changed and she couldn 't make it when we would go . Not sure though . That and I hate working out by myself . I don 't know why that is , but I do enjoy the company . Once I get into a groove though , it doesn 't matter if I go alone or not . With me feeling like a lazy ass , I have decided that I should probably get back into the gym . I love doing cardio ( after the initial dread of starting ) . I used to be a big ole freak and work out 7 days a week , but right now , I think I can get by with at least 3 days . It will be nice too with me getting off work early because then I can get in and out of there before the rush . I just want to get in and get out . Today , even though I am dreading it , I am going to make my appearance and force myself to cardio . Just going will be a huge step . I am sure that after I go , I will feel so good and want to keep going . I know that when I start going and get a routine down , I will make working out a priority . It is just the starting that routine that is so hard for me . I always tend to have a ton more energy , not ever be as tired , and sleep like a little baby . So there you have it . That is a goal of mine and I really need to stick to it . Not because I feel like I need to lose weight , but because I feel better about myself when I do . Oh , and I just found out my mom and sister got a gym membership . So maybe the three of us can work out together sometimes . We live on opposite sides of town , so I won 't drive to where they will be during the week , but I wouldn 't mind making the drive at all on the weekend . This award was given to me by Valley Girl . If you haven 't read her blog , you should . It is absolutely addicting and I LOVE it . Thank you very much for giving it out . I know you gave it to everyone on your blog roll , but it still means a lot . After my last post , I left work only to walk out and find that it hadn 't stopped raining . It just wasn 't raining as hard . Not too much longer after I got home it started snowing . It was amazing and so absolutely beautiful . I was a moron though and didn 't take pictures . I need to be better about that especially since I have a nice new camera that takes excellent pictures . Today is nice and sunny and it just looks so beautiful with the snow that is covering campus . All the snow made for some super icy conditions driving this morning on my way to work . But I made it nice , safe , and on time ! I enjoy looking at the snow , but not so much being in it or being cold . Just not a fan . I wouldn 't mind going sledding though soon . . . as long as I am able to take breaks and get warm in the truck or something . The weekend was very mellow , but great . Nice quality time with the fam . Now it is back to work ! Not sure how excited I am about it , but I am here and plugging away . I have been so spoiled with days off and leaving early that the thought of working a full 40 hour week is just crazy ! ! ! I 'll get through it though . I haven 't seen this much water in forever . The phone at work has been ringing off the dang hook . It has been unreal . We have double the work than we normally do on a normal day . In fact , we have done at least 50 work orders just since 12 : 30 ! That is just out of control . On a lighter note , I get to leave early . The big bosses don 't want us driving when it starts turning to snow . So that is nice . At least they worry about our safety ! So that is nice . I just can 't believe the damage this storm has had so far . I hope it doesn 't get worse ! Oh ! Just as I was writing this , the rain has stopped . Good for all our leaks around the campus . But I wonder if this means that the snow is right on its way . I am glad that I am getting out of here and am going to be off the roads before rush hour traffic . Be careful everyone driving ! ! ! Have a wonderful weekend ! It really has been raining non - stop since before I got up this morning . It is out of control . It isn 't just a light rain either . It is dumping ! ! ! It is out of control . It is so bad that most of our buildings at work have leaks or are starting to flood . Its very nuts ! I heard that the snow is supposed to come this afternoon . . . there are going to be some very icy driving conditions here . I am very thankful that it is Friday and I don 't have to worry about driving around during the weekend . I have also heard that after our snow fall we are supposed to get some more rain . I wonder if we might flood too ? ? ! ? ! What a mess that would be ! My little sister is 16 . And I would say over the last year or so she has gotten so into her looks . Always has to have her make - up done , her hair all done and perfect , dressed with everything skin tight and her little stomach showing . This is something I don 't really understand . Yes , I wore the tight little clothes , but I never spent as much time in the bathroom getting ready as her . I do find it amusing to say the least because she frets about all the damn time primping and prodding . It seriously takes her double the time than me to get ready . Anywho . With all that comes with her thinking that she is pretty hot shit . Don 't get me wrong , my sister is fucking gorgeous . She is tall and skinny and just damn pretty . And right now , she is infatuated with her boobs . Well , actually this has been going on for awhile now . She is always wearing the lowest cut shirts that she can to show off her cleavage . Then there is me . I have never , and I mean NEVER , had boobs . They are tiny . In fact , it is really like they don 't even exist . It is something that really used to bother me , but also something that I have come to terms with . I can 't honestly say that there has never been a guy interested in my for my tits alone . HA ! No , but for real . My sister thinks this is the funniest thing ever and is constantly trying to throw her boobs in my face . I understand being 16 and thinking like she does and being proud of her very cute little body , but it really gets old . I let her get her kicks in just because I know what it is like to be 16 and be like that . So today I am sitting here working , in a decent mood and I get this text from her : " my boobs grew . . . they 're a C woop woop lol sorry " Nice asshole ! She is such a little shit . She must sit around watching them and constantly measuring or something . Whatever it is , she is very funny about her boobies ! He is the one that holds my heart and the one that makes me happy ! I couldn 't be more in love . This past weekend I took him on a surprise vacation for his birthday ( that was just days before Christmas ) . We had such a wonderful time and this is us at a Raiders game . Our first pro - football game and we shared it together just 18 rows from the field ! ! ! There is a really big storm warning in our area right now . I have heard that it is supposed to be one of our top 5 biggest storms or something like that . Anyhow , on my way to work I was listening to the radio and of course the storm was the topic of conversation . They are saying that there will be a blizzard in effect at 4am tomorrow and to be careful on the way to work because it is going to be slow go . This got me thinking . . . I would rather stay home than deal with all the stupid ass people that don 't know how to drive in the snow . Any time there is any weather at all , people automatically get stuck on stupid . It is the most annoying thing . Even if it is just rain , you would think that there was feet of snow on the ground and that there are just inches of ice covering the roads . I learned before I ever turned 16 how to drive in the snow . My dad was so good about making sure I was prepared . He always told me that the worst driver is a scared driver . He would make me start hauling ass and then slam on my brakes . Oh the things that we did while I was learning to drive . But I am so thankful for it . Because of him , I don 't mind driving in any weather . I am confident in my driving abilities and know what to do in most situations . I grew up in Washoe Valley , so the drive from home to school , was a long one and the roads were always shitty in the winter . What I do hate about driving in the snow , is just the other people . They are the ones that you really need to look out for . I have seen more people do more stupid shit in the snow . And if tomorrow is really going to be as bad as they say , I am really going to leave my house hours early so that I can beat all the morons that don 't know shit about driving in the snow . I don 't care how early I get to work and just have to sit here . It would definitely beat the aggravation of dealing with stupid drivers . I guess we will see what this storm brings . I am a little excited , but then not so much because I really , really don 't like the cold ! I am so ready for summer already ! I seriously can 't believe that it is 2008 ! ! ! The past year seriously flew by so quickly . But what a wonderful year it was . So many good things happened and my life has grown in so many ways . I am just so thankful ! We had a nice quiet New Year 's Eve , just the four of us , and it was absolutely perfect . It was a nice change from how I used to spend them ! Truthfully , I was ready for bed long before midnight , but somehow we managed to stay awake and kiss right at 12 : 00am ! I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year . I am swamped at work and have so much to do , so will be catching up with everyone later . |
I 'm a wife and mother with a full - time job who also has two Arabian dressage horses . This is how I fit it all in . Or try to . I don 't have time to post about my horse 's vet visit because we have water in our basement . And I don 't mean a little bit . It 's flowing , like little rivers , from the seam where the wall meets the floor . We 're desperately trying to mop it up before it does any damage as we wait for the plumbers . Yes , the same plumbers that JUST dug up our yard to fix this problem . Guess what . Not fixed . After a two and a half hour vet visit , I think we might have an answer as to what has been making my horse uneven and / or lame . However , since it 's almost 10 pm and I just got home , I won 't be telling that story until tomorrow . I think it 's good news . We 'll see . Tomorrow Dr . B is coming out to see Kaswyn . On the phone with him , he said he 's not really sure what 's going on with the shortness of stride in the left front . Great . I hope he gets some kind of clue when he examines him . Tonight I went out and rode my horse just to see how he felt . He was very uneven and reluctant to work . My trainer was in the arena teaching a lesson and saw just how uneven he was . After a few circles I decided just to quit . I 'm concerned that working him while he 's uneven is going to throw something else out of whack . I stopped my horse next to where my trainer was standing giving the lesson and watched the gal riding . I 'm finding that I 'm very jealous of everyone at the barn right now . I realize just how much I took for granted that my horse would be sound and ready to work every day . I watched as this girl schooled her horse and watched them improve over the course of 10 minutes . When they started schooling half - passes I decided that I had tortured myself enough and left the arena . I want my horse back . The sound horse . It seemed so easy before , even though the work was hard . I want that feeling of the effortless half - pass , floating medium trot , or energetic flying changes . I want . . well , I want too much I guess . Half of me thinks that I just need to be happy with what my horse has been able to accomplish . Just the fact that my little arabian is able to show and be competitive at the FEI levels is amazing , let alone his National Championships . I should be happy , right ? So few people ever get to ride a horse like this in their lifetime , and I 'm fortunate enough to have owned him and was able to make this amazing journey with him . But I 'm not ready for this to be over yet . I want more . Today I called the vet 's office to schedule an appointment for Dr . B . to come out and see Kaswyn . The gal I spoke with told me that she 'd leave a message with scheduling and they 'd get back to me . I kind of thought she meant today , since I called this morning . But apparently I was mistaken . This is not the first time I 've had a problem getting an appointment . It 's not a problem if you want to see any of the other vets , or if you want to take your horse to the clinic . It 's just Dr . B . I find this very frustrating . Hopefully I can get an appointment tomorrow . Anyhow , I want Dr . B . to look at Kaswyn again because he still is not right . He 's taking short strides with that left front leg again , and has been for two weeks . He did yank that left front shoe off about 10 days ago , so it 's possible that he bruised the foot or has an abcess going on in there . I 'm not convinced that it 's an abcess , but I 'll put medicine on his foot and wrap it at night until I can get the vet out to see him . If it is an abcess , hopefully the meds will coax the infection out of the hoof and relieve the pain . If it 's not an abcess , then the meds will do nothing . They won 't hurt either , so I 'll give it a shot . On a completely different subject , just a few minutes ago Craig and I were standing in the kitchen when Lily ran by . Craig smelled something questionable , so he grabbed her and went to do a poop check . CRAIG : Lily , what 's going on here in your pants ? LILY : ( shrugs and smiles ) It 's just a party . Craig : A party ? In your pants ? LILY : Yeah ! ( runs out of the room ) Just as she said that I had taken a drink of water and was just about the swallow . I had to spit the water in the sink so I wouldn 't choke . She cracks me up . In case you haven 't been paying attention , Craig and I are both doing this NaBloPoMo thing where we update our blogs every day for the whole month of November . It 's funny how we 've both been reminding each other to post , and " claiming " certain stories for our blogs . The other day something funny happened and I said " I got dibs on blogging that one ! " That 's just really sad . I 've been trying not to repeat or retell any of Craig 's postings , but it 's been challenging . Here 's the thing - Craig is my best friend . I know that sounds super sappy and makes you want to puke , but it 's so true . I tell him everything . Even when he tells me " Look , when you talk about that it just pisses me off so don 't tell me about it . " , I still have to talk to him about it because that 's what I do . Keeping a secret from him is damn near impossible . When I buy him a gift I either want to give it to him right away or tell him what it is because I want him to know about it . So , anyway , we share so much with each other that our lives overlap a lot . Hence , the stories are the same . Which means I 've had to be creative . That 's more his department than mine . Well , I need to wrap this up . We only have one computer at home , and Craig still needs to post today . If I hog the machine I 'll get static from " the writer " . And nobody wants that . I made reservations at a hotel in Lexington , Virginia for September 25 - 30 , 2007 . Why have I done this ? Because Sport Horse Nationals is happening then and there , that 's why . I realize that it 's wishful thinking , but on the off chance that - A ) We can get Kaswyn going sound and evenB ) We can get him ( and me ) back up to competition shape C ) We can get him schooling and perfecting the movements to Prix St . George ( and maybe Intermediare 1 ) , the level that he was showing before all of this mess , and4 ) I can afford it . . I want to go to Sport Horse Nationals . I don 't want to wait until I know for sure that we 're going to make the reservations because all of the good hotels that are close to the show grounds sell out quickly . Actually my first choice hotel was sold out for that time period , but the hotel I 've chosen is just as close to the show grounds and just as nice . And it includes a free breakfast - not the continental breakfast of doughnuts and coffee - but a real breakfast of muffins , eggs , meats , cereal , and make your own waffles . Which makes it totally worth it at a horse show . With luck , and hard work , I think we can get there . Posted by Okay , I 've started this post five times now . It 's apparent that I have nothing to say today . I know there 's a book out there that 's titled something like Nobody Cares What You Had For Lunch - 100 Ideas For Your Blog . Seems like I should have picked up a copy . Craig was teasing me a few days ago , saying that he thought it was much easier for him to write a post than it was for me . Well , it should be . He 's a WRITER . I told him that it would probably be easier for me to do an embryo transfer than it would be for him to do one . While I don 't think people are upset when I write , I think there would be a little bit of an uproar if he went into the IVF lab . So while I can 't write as easily or as well as Craig , I can write . It might take a long time , and it might suck , but I can get it done . Thanksgiving is not one of my favorite holidays . The main reason is I just don 't like turkey . I 'll eat the dark meat , but I 'm not a huge fan . I don 't generally like gravy , sweet or mashed potatoes , so what 's that leave me for a traditional Thanksgiving dinner ? Green bean casserole ( which I love ) , stuffing and rolls . Speaking of rolls , there 's an ongoing joke in our family about the Thanksgiving rolls . Every year my mom would spend all day cooking her ass off , and would finally call everyone to the table laden with this incredible spread . Ten minutes into dinner she 's day " Oh ! The rolls ! " and run into the kitchen to the retrieve the rolls , now with black bottoms . She would always put them in the oven last while my dad was carving the bird , and never set a timer . We had many a Thanksgiving dinner with half - size rolls becasue she 'd cut the burnt undersides off . This year she bought cresent rolls . Yes , it 's bread - in - a - can , but I love those things so I don 't care . I 'll just make sure she sets a timer . Happy Thanksgiving . Lily and I were playing hide and seek last night , and it was my turn to hide . So she closed her eyes and I said " Now count to ten while I hide ! " . I started running into the living room and I hear her say " One , Two , TEN ! " . So I knew I had precious few seconds to get hidden . I ran and leapt over an overstuffed chair , in order to hide behind it . However , since I 'm not a gymnast , my vault over said chair was lame and clumsy , and I strained my shoulder somehow . It 's kind of in the front over my collar bone and down into my arm . Yeah , I know , I 'm a doofus . But Lily didn 't find me right away , so I 'm proud of the fact that I can successfully hide from a 3 year old . Not without injury , apparently . Today 's post is a total cheater post just to keep me in NaBloPoMo . It 's also a little whiney , since I 'm about to complain about being tired , having an achey back , and being super busy . And having a crappy ride on my horse tonight . Blah , I say ! BLAH ! So that about covers it . Now , I have stuff I gotta get done . Don 't you have anything better to do ? On Monday nights , my friend Meghan and her son Oscar come over for dinner and a play date . Craig usually comes home late because he takes a yoga class at work , so this works out very well for everyone . The girls and Oscar get to play together , and Meghan and I get to hang out and relax a little . And sometimes , drink beer . Well , usually drink beer . Me more than her because she has to drive home . On Saturday Lily suddenly burst into tears while I was at work . Craig asked her what was wrong , and she said " I miss Oscar ! Is Oscar coming over ? Please Daddy , can he come over ? " He told her no , that Oscar wasn 't coming over , but that he 'd be over in a few days . She whined a little and eventually got over it , but it really makes me wonder what suddenly made her pine for that little kid . So tonight I 'm looking forward to free entertainment for the girls , some adult conversation ( albeit , sometimes pretty juvenile when it comes to Meghan and I ) , and a cold beers . Kaswyn lost a shoe today while he was turned out . The good news is he didn 't tear up his foot too badly when he pulled it off . The bad news is I walked around the turnout pen and couldn 't find the shoe , so I 'll have to pay for a new one . There is a debate out there amung horse people whether or not to turn show horses outside . If you don 't put them out then they never throw shoes , get bitten up by flies , or get injured being doofuses in the pasture . But I happen to think it 's wrong to keep horses in their stalls all the time , so my horse is at a barn where he goes outside every day , weather permitting . True , I have to deal with it when he gets a cut or loses a shoe , but I think he 's physically and mentally better for it . Most people actually agree with me , but every now and then you come across someone who doesn 't . I feel sorry for their horses . Hopefully I can get the blacksmith out to put a new shoe on him before Thanksgiving . If not , we won 't be working for a week since I can 't ride him with one shoe off . Blah . Criag recently wrote about his phobia for sharks here . Something happened last night that played on my phobia . Craig also wrote about that here , so I won 't bore you with the details . I have a vomit phobia . Let me break it down for you . I can 't see it , hear it , or smell it . If I 'm around anyone who is going to puke , I run . Far far away . Case in point . It was the mid eighties , and I was in high school . Our family went down to Puerto Vallarta , Mexico , for a vacation . We knew not to drink the water , but we were also instructed not to eat anything that couldn 't be peeled or cooked . Most of the vacation passed without a problem . However , one night at dinner my sister had some sangria . With ice in it . Big mistake . The next afternoon I was sitting on the balcony of our hotel room and I hear commotion in the room . Apparently my sister had woken from a nap and puked . My mom had it handled , and since I hadn 't heard / seen / smelled anything , I was cool . She spent the next few hours in bed , feeling crappy . Later my parents and my brother wanted to take a walk down the beach . My sister said she was feeling much better , so we decided to sit by the pool . I thought it was safe since she had gone several hours without yacking . However , 15 minutes into our sunbathing and she says , " I don 't feel good . We need to go back to the room . " Right . Lets go , pronto . We hustle up the room only to discover that we hadn 't grabbed a room key . Sis is looking greener and greener , so this is becoming an emergency . I spot a maid 's cart a few rooms down , and I start telling the maid how we have to get into the room because my sister is sick . She doesn 't speak english . Lovely . So I motion for her to come out into the walkway ( the rooms opened up to the outside so there was no interior hallway ) and took her to my sister . We were trying to get our point across , but she wasn 't getting it . Then my sister spoke the universal language of puke . She started to heave - and I turned and bolted . Literally the second I saw a bit of the pink Pepto - Bismol come out of Posted by As you probably know , we have two daughters . Both have been precocious in a variety of ways . They both got many , many teeth early , walked at 10 months , and Lily was speaking in complete and intelligeble sentences by the time she was two . Macey is now 16 months old . She is starting to say some words , and even is able to tell you what she wants without all the screaming . She can say all the normal things , like Mama , Daddy , no , and mine . But she also says shoes , socks , feet , all - done , and more . And anything that you ask her to say she 'll try and say back . It 's not always clear , but she makes a good stab at it . A day or two ago Macey went into the kitchen screaming and fussing . I followed her in there to find her tugging at the fridge . So I asked her , " Macey , do you want some cheese ? " and the said " Cheese ! " . I got her some cheese , and asked her to say thank you . She said , " Phoo choo . " , which is pretty damn close . She happily wandered back to the family room to look at books . When the cheese was gone she repeated the walk and scream routine to the fridge . I asked if she wanted more cheese , to which she replied " No ! No ! No ! " Then I asked , " What do you want ? " and she said " Mawlk . " I presented her with a sippy cup of milk , and that made her happy . Which she is not at the moment . She wants to go night - night . I know because she told me . I gotta go . I don 't need my youngest to ream me a new one . I was lucky tonight when I rode to have my trainer riding in the arena again . She was able to help me with Kaswyn , but tonight was a little more difficult than Tuesday . Kaswyn was taking very uneven strides with his front legs , and I was having a hard time getting him even . Fortunately he was very willing and we were able to work through some of his issues . I have increased the number of days that I ride Kaswyn and actually do work from two to three . I 'm keeping the amount of time that I ride him the same , so I don 't stress his muscles or joints too much in one session . So far I think it 's been okay , but tonight it was so challenging to get him even . A year ago the issue was keeping him from getting uneven . Now the hurdle is getting him even in the first place . My trainer and I discussed how he was looking and feeling . She said she was being optimistic in thinking that it 's just going to take time to re - build his back and stomach muscles so that he can have the carrying power that he used to . It will take a lot of slow steady work to get him back there , and I hope he holds up . In sewer news , Craig posted a picture of our front yard drain repair here . Good news - both sewer and storm drain lines have been repaired . Bad news - our yard is going to be a muddy mess until spring . I think we 've found a unique way of not having to rake leaves . To read the story from the beginning , Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Blair was moving her training business to a new barn , and would have no school horses . So who was I going to ride ? We talked about it , and she thought we could work out a deal where I groomed for her and got lessons and ride time on her horses or , maybe , client horses . She also said she 'd teach me more about training . This all sounded great to me . Blair had three horses at the time - Porteeya , wild young western and halter mare ; Llano ( pronounced yah - no ) , half arab western gelding who Blair had bred ; and Bo , half arab saddle seat gelding . Teeya was out of the question for me to ride at that point , but I would have loved to have ridden either Bo or Llano . We moved to the new barn . I can 't remember the actual move , so it must have been uneventful . The owners were an interesting pair - more on them later . It was a very nice , brand new facility , and it looked like Blair 's business was taking off . I can 't remember the specifics of what we worked out , but what I remember is that she never paid me . I worked after school as much as was allowed by my parents and on the weekends . During the summer I worked more . My job was to groom a horse for her to ride , and while she was riding that horse I would groom and tack up the next one . When she was ready for the next horse , I 'd hand them over and take the horse she had just ridden . Then I 'd cool that horse out , groom them , and put them away . Then onto grooming the next one . I think the most horses she ever had in training at one time was 22 , and she really needed a groom if she was going to work all those horses in one day . Sometimes she 'd have me lunge a horse while she was riding . She also had other horses that weren 't in training , but were clients horses . These clients would ride their horses themsleves , and take lessons once or twice a week . Some of the clients didn 't have time to ride their horses as much as they wanted to , which ended up being a great thing for me . Blair would tell them that I would exercise theirPosted by I had to cancel my lesson tonight because of two things - first I got out of work 30 minutes late and wouldn 't be able to get my horse groomed and tacked in time . Second , as I was driving to the barn I got a voicemail from Craig saying he had to work late so I had to pick up the girls . This sucks worse than missing the lesson , because it means that I can 't ride at all . I had to go out to the barn no matter what and set up Kaswyn 's supplements , and afterwards I gave my horse some treats and left for the day care . Two minutes from the barn Craig calls to say he finished with work and I could ride my horse . I knew he felt crappy because of his sinus infection , so I said I 'd come home . He insisted that he could tough it out , so I should ride . Awesome . My trainer was in the arena riding another horse while I was on Kaswyn . She told me that he felt great when she rode him yeaterday , and was watching me ride . I was thinking Kaswyn felt okay when she said " Get him more off the forehand - shorten your reins - more energy and get more of a reaction when you put your leg on - keep him round - don 't let him get you leaning too far back - that 's it . . . " And with that short list of instructions she was able to get my horse working really well . She also made me realize how many bad habits I had fallen into by not having regular lessons for over a year . Next week we 're going to try again . Until then we 're back to circles and straight lines . Oh , on a completely unrelated subject - they dug up our front yard today to replace the sewer and storm drains from the house to the street . I was shocked when I came home . Our front yard is gone . I 'm going to take pictures tomorrow before they start work . You won 't believe it . I should have taken before pictures because our front yard will never be the same . I just keep saying to myself , " It 's better than shit in the basment . . . " This will be a quick post because I 'm beat and need to get to bed . Last night Macey decided she needed to be awake from 12 : 30 to 4 : 30 . I , on the other hand , really wanted to be asleep . No dice , however . Luckily Craig took the last hour and let me get some sleep . No word on how my horse was today for the trainer . I guess I 'll find out tomorrow . . . Tonight I went out to ride Kaswyn . He seemed very subdued while I groomed him , which , incidentally , took a very long time because he decided to roll in the mud . Both sides . I was lucky that he had his blanket on when he did it so that at least he had a clean section that was covered by the blanket . But his neck , face , and legs were crusted with mud . Crap , that reminds me - his halter was muddy too and I forgot to clean it . Damn , that 's going to bug me . Anyhow , I got on and did some trot work , which felt fine . Then we went to the canter and he didn 't feel right . This has happened before , and my trainer suggested that maybe he was behind my leg - which means that he was hanging back and not cantering in an energetic way , making him disengaged and unconnected . So I pushed him into a bigger canter , then gradually brought him back to a slightly collected canter . This has worked well in the past and allowed us to do some really nice work . This time it didn 't work at all . He felt okay going to the right , but to the left he still felt uneven and wrong . I decided to stop at that , since it was difficult for me to tell if it was left front or left hind that was causing the problem and I didn 't want to hurt him . Since he has arthritis in his left hind pastern , and the weather just got cooler yesterday , it could very well have been left hind . Or both front and hind on the left , but then I would have expected the trot work to have some issues . I 'm stumped . My trainer is going to ride him tomorrow and see what she thinks . We have a tenative lesson on Tuesday afternoon , depending on how she thinks he feels tomorrow . Maybe it was just one bad day . Crossing my fingers . . . To read this story from the beginning , Part 1 Part 2 Dana had cancer . I was just entering high school , and didn 't really have a good grasp of how scary and dangerous this was . She hadn 't been my riding instructor for that long , but I did like her and didn 't want a new teacher . She said she would be teaching for a few more weeks while her replacement got to know the students and the horses . That 's when I met Blair . She was in her early twenties , outgoing , funny , and excited about the job . It was easy for her to fall into the role of instructor at the barn , and she was well liked by the students . I was lucky that she was willing to let me continue to work off my lessons . That year , Jean and I went to different high schools . We didn 't spend as much time together anymore , and she didn 't come to the barn as much . Pretty soon she stopped riding . Unfortunately , I haven 't spoken to her in years and don 't have any idea of how to get a hold of her . Makes me sad . I still went to the barn a lot , and soon became friends with Blair even though she was older than I was . Looking back , I think she was just being nice to her " barn kid " . She started expanding the riding program and soon they had to schedule more hours of lessons and buy more school horses to keep up with demand . Blair brought in some horses that she had in training , and she would let me ride one of her horses from her house down the street to the barn for exercise . This is where my horse education really took off . Blair started showing me things about training young horses using her young mare , Missy . She would have me lead Missy to the barn while riding her other horse ( who 's name I can 't remember ) and then she 'd train Missy and I 'd watch and learn . She taught me about longing , long - lining , how to get horses used to saddle and bridle , and finally how to get on and ride . She would let me do some of the work while she watched , giving instruction from the side . She let me get on Missy when she felt that Missy was broke enough that I wouldn 't get hurt . It was thrillinPosted by This weekend my trainer took three horses and two students to a show . One of the students was the owner of the barn , and she asked me to feed the horses their hay and close up the barn this evening . She also called my cell phone to make sure I got the message to close the dutch doors on the horses stalls , but for some reason my cell phone didn 't list the number that she called from . So I called my trainer to tell her that I got the message and closed the doors . My trainer was at the show because one of her students rides this evening . When I called I could hear everyone there talking in the background , making comments to my trainer , and laughing . This made me really sad because I haven 't been to a show in a long time . I used to go to almost all the shows my trainer went to . Kaswyn and I would also do local schooling shows that are cheap and low pressure . I really really miss showing . Here are some of the things I miss about it - Running through the test in my head for days before the showBathing and clipping my horsePacking nice white breeches , polo wraps , and saddle pads for the showThe way my horse acts when I put his shipping boots on and he knows he 's going to a showThe fact that my horse pactically jumps on the trailer himself cause he 's so excitedFeeding my horse and watching him eatPicking poop out of his stall so he has a clean place to lie down if he wants toGrooming and tacking before the classGetting dressed and tying my stock tieRiding the testWatching other people ride and cheering them onSitting with everyone afterwards to bullshit about our ridesDinner with friends , even if it 's only with a Miller Lite and Burger KingComing homeI had a nice ride on my horse tonight , so hopefully we 're on the road to being able to show again . Maybe next year . Posted by Yep . Feces . Fine in the potty , but bad on the basement floor . Since Craig has already said it much better than I could , jump over here and read the whole story . We are usually able to work something out between Craig and I when something in the house needs fixing and one of us needs to be home to meet the repair - people . Luckily I was able to scoot out of work today and wait for the plumber . And wait . And wait . I was told someone would be at our house " between 11 and 2 " . Fine ! I got home a little before 11 so I could move everything out of the way of the drains . I got a call at 11 : 10 saying someone will be there shortly . Then another call at 11 : 20 saying there was an emergency so they 'll call me when they are done with that and on their way to my place . Yeah , okay . At 12 : 30 , they say they 're 30 minutes away . They show up at 1 : 30 . I guess they forgot to figure in time for Taco Bell . Hey buddy , Yo quero fixa my pipes ? Get your ass over here ! Anyhow , a few hours , a fiberoptic camera , and a drain snake later , we 'll be having our front yard dug up on Tuesday to replace the drain pipe . At least that should solve the water and funky smell in the basement . When I picked up the girls today , I told Lily that I was sad . She looked at me and said " You aren 't sad ! You have kids ! " So true . As I said yesterday , Kaswyn got the day off because he got his shots . Technically , he just got one combined shot that horses should get twice a year ( flu / rhino ) . The shots that he gets yearly he 'll get in the spring . The last two years that Kaswyn got his yearly shots , his neck swelled up . A small lump and a little soreness at the injection site is common , but my horse was so swollen and stiff that he couldn 't put his head down to eat his hay . The first year it was a complete shock , and it took a good two weeks for him to return to normal . You 'd think that something so significant would stick in my memory , but it didn 't . So this past spring it happened again . If I had remembered , I would have had the vet give the shots in different locations - like two on one side of his butt , one on the other , and one in each side of the neck , plus a shot of anti - inflammatory to help with the swelling . But I didn 't so we had to deal with the aftermath again . Fortunately , the vet gave just the one shot in his neck , plus a shot of anti - inflammatory . Hopefully this will work . If I had been thinking I would have had the vet give the shot in his butt , however I forgot to say something first . If his butt got sore from the shot , at least he could still eat ! Here are some unrealted thoughts that I have had today . None of them are beefy enough to make a whole post , but I feel they are worth mentioning . I started watching Six Feet Under on Bravo . I never watched it on HBO , because we have never had pay cable channels . However , I am now addicted to the show . I don 't know why , but I love it . I realize I 'm probably missing out on something , like nudity and profanity since it 's been edited for basic cable , but I still dig it . They show two episodes every Monday night and once I watch the first one I 'm sucked in and must watch episode # 2 . I 'm confused about some things that are going on , because I think I 've missed some shows , but basically I get it . Maybe I 'll get the DVD 's for Christmas . Craig also suggested I get a time machine so I can manufacture some free hours in which to watch them . Ha ha . Lily 's new favorite word is " ginormous " , as in " giagantic + enormous " . Anything that 's even slightly large , or larger than something else , is ginormous . It might be spelled gianormous , but I can 't be sure . She got it from some toy commercial . Aren 't we great parents ? Another cute thing she also says is " punkman " for " pumpkin " . I know we should correct her , but it 's so damn cute . Lately I 've been reconnecting with old girlfriends from the barn . In some cases I can 't figure out why I lost touch with these people in the first place . Finding them has been interesting . In two cases I 've emailed these ladies ' brothers to get their phone numbers . One gal now lives in Alaska . I know I complain about Cleveland winters coming from mild California , but holy shit , ALASKA ? I don 't know how she can stand it . Sadly , one friend still remains unfound . I wrote a paper letter to her mother 's last known address asking if she could give her daughter my contact information . I haven 't heard anything for weeks , and I haven 't gotten the letter back , so I don 't know what 's up with that . I still have hope . And it 's so much fun to talk with these gals again . We were all so young and stupid and had such good Posted by What was I thinking ? This blog was supposed to chronicle both my horse and my kids and sort of make fun of the fact that I don 't have a lot of free time . So what do I do ? Commit to spending more time that I don 't have on this blog ? Not the smartest thing I ever did . Sure , I could give up now , but it 's only SIX DAYS into November . I 'm not going to puss out just yet . I wonder how many other people are already whining about updating their blogs every day . Anyhow , I need to continue with my story , but it 's not happening tonight . I worked this past weekend and when that happens I get less sleep than usual . So I 'm going to bed . Don 't like it ? Suck it . Wait , wait . Lily just came in while I was typing . She was playing in the living room with her daddy and here is exactly what she said . " Mamma ! Our robot pooped ! He pooped and pooped everywhere ! So we need to go back in the living room so we can see where he pooped ! " And then she ran out of the room . Don 't ask me what that was all about . That kid has got a crazy imagination . Or maybe there really is robot poop in the living room . I don 't think I would even know what robot pooped looked like if I saw it . A pile of nuts and bolts in some kind of oil ? Gross . I 'm going to bed . Posted by My trainer yelled at me yesterday . Well , not really . She 's at a trainers conference this weekend and I left her a viocemail about my ride on Kaswyn Thursday . She sent me a text message saying that she was concerned that I did too much work with him considering the number of days off he had recently and his level of fitness . She did not sound pleased . I know she 's right . It 's very true that Kaswyn is not in as good of shape as he has been in the past , since he 's coming back from surgery and neuroma problems . But honestly , it 's not like I schooled him for an hour and drilled each movment . We just ran through each movement once or twice . It took maybe 15 mintues , tops . He wasn 't even sweaty or breathing hard when we were done . If I had thought he was getting tired , or was hurting , I would have stopped immediately . Since his problems started over a year ago there were many times that I started riding but stopped because he just didn 't feel right . But he felt better than " right " - he felt excited and more than willing to do anything I asked . With every new movement he was more and more excited . I think he would have done more but I thought it was best that we stopped . Here 's the thing - I haven 't been able to do anything " fun " with my horse for almost a year now . It 's been a whole lot of hand walking , or riding at the walk , and big circles and straight lines at the trot and canter . While it 's all necessary , it 's BOR - RING . I know Kaswyn feels the same . The reason I started doing dressage with him in the first place was because he was getting bored going around and around in circles . He loves to learn and show off and make me happy . He wanted to do those things . Those of you who know or have horses that are related to Kaswyn know what I 'm talking about . Horses of his line are highly intelligent horses with great work ethics who aim to please . So we did some fun stuff . And it felt GOOD . Great , even . Maybe not the smartest thing we 've done , but he 's not any worse for it . On Friday we just walked and I did a 15 mintue " warPosted by To read the story from the beginning , click here . Dana , my riding instructor , told me that instead of paying for lessons I could work at the barn and get free lessons . For every three hours I worked I was able to take one lesson . I would be required to arrive an hour before the first lessons started and bring the school horses that would be used for that day up from the pasture to the barn . Then I needed to groom them all and tack up the horses that were in the first lesson . During the first lesson I could tack up the other horses . I would also have to clean the tack and hose the horses off between lessons if they were really sweaty . At the end of the day I would have to groom all the horses again an then walk them back down to the pasture . Jean was offered the same deal . To a horse crazy girl , this sounded fantastic . When I told my parents about it , they were not pleased , but couldn 't really argue because this would not cost them any money . It would just mean that my mom would have to drive me to and from the barn on Saturday and Sunday . They agreed to the arrangement , but emphasized that they were NOT buying me a horse and if I misbehaved or got bad grades I would be banned from the barn . That is when Jean and I started spending every weekend at the barn . Once school let out for the summer , we were able to work during the week too so we sometimes got two lessons a day . After a month or so Dana started not caring how long we worked and would put us in any open slot she had if we were all done with the work . I spent hours and hours riding , grooming , and cleaning . I also got to know the horses really well . There was Dallas , the roan quarter horse and alpha gelding . He was a beginners horse but was still a fun ride for the advanced riders . Chester was a chestnut thoroughbred who jumped a little and was very sweet and kind . Snowball , the all - white pony , was for the beginners but would get really feisty over fences . Monty , Ranger , and Tommy were all intermediate to advanced horses . There were a few others that I can 't quPosted by My horse was awesome yesterday . I got on him and he started walking really fast , swinging his head around and up and down , anxious to get going . He felt very even , so I asked for the trot . He was really moving out , and kind of blowing through my half - halts . Since he felt so good I thought okay , if that 's how you 're going to be , lets really work then . We schooled everything , even though we were in the snaffle . First canter half - passes , then back to the trot for half passes and extensions . His extensions at the trot were so huge I couldn 't stay with him . He got a little uneven , but that used to happen all the time before the surgery when he would get a little faster up front than he should . He was getting more and more excited with each movement we would school , so I decided to slow things down a little with some pirouettes . I started out with a little piaffe to get his haunches well under him . Then I asked for 1 / 4 turns , then went for 1 / 2 turns , but he was willing to do full pirouettes . I didn 't let him , and had to keep stopping him half way around . He was totally obedient and really excited . Then I thought we 'd school flying changes . We started with a change every 4th stride , then every 3rd stride . He was so good at those that I asked for changes every other stride . He did a clean line of those and at the end I told him " Good boy ! " and , still at the canter , he put his head down and kicked out with one of his hind legs . I just cracked me up that he was so excited to be doing training - type work and not just circles and straight lines . Today is just going to be a walk day . I hope he 's not sore , or worse , lame . The following story is the beginning to a long but important chapter of my life . It 's all about how I got into riding horses . It 's also about the things that I learned about horses and myself . And , it 's about the people and horses that I met , and lost , along the way . Usually when I tell stories on my blog I use first initials instead of people 's names . However , I think this will get very confusing , so I 'm going to use first names only . If you are mentioned by name and wish to have your name removed , let me know and I 'll do it immediately . Here goes . . . It was the spring of 1982 and I was 13 years old . I was in 8th grade and had had the same friends since I was in 3rd grade when we moved from Maryland to California . My so - called best friend Nancy lived next door . She was a popular girl and had lots of other friends . I , on the other hand , did not . Sometimes I would spend weeks hanging out with other girls in our circle , but I felt mostly unaccepted by the others . Nancy wasn 't exactly nice to me , and if there was something better going on she would blow me off . She would join in when people were teasing me , and in private she would criticize me and put me down . One day while walking to the bus stop I told Nancy she was a bitch and I didn 't want to be her friend anymore . I walked ahead of her to the bus stop and never looked back . That week I started talking to Karen in my History class , and I stopped hanging around with the old group and got myself a new clan of friends . Karen and I started to " play " ( sounds so queer now , but that 's what we called it ) after school at each other 's houses . Karen 's parents worked , so when we 'd go to her house there was nobody but her older brother there . I don 't remember how old he was , but I do remember that he had a copy of The Joy of Sex and we would sneak into his room to look at it if he wasn 't around . Once he caught us and threatened to beat Karen up , but I think it was a lot of talk . Karen was into ballet and once gave me one of her old pairs of toe shoes to play around with . TheyPosted by Because of NaBloPoMo , I 'm going to try and post every day for the month of November . I might not make it , but I 'm going to try . Anyway , I can 't wait to get on my horse tomorrow . It 's been at least two weeks since I was able to ride him and actually have a decent workout . He 's been feeling better and better so I hope that he feels good tomorrow . I have about 3 more weeks to go on the vet 's two month time frame where I look to see improvement . I think I have already seen that improvement , so that makes me hopeful . My next problem will be deciding if Kaswyn will be able to take the stress of training at his previous level . If he can 't , I 'm just going to have to retire him . Maybe I 'll retire him for a year and then try and bring him back . The problem with that is he 'd be 16 , and he 'd have to train very hard to get back to this level after a year off . I 'm not sure if his body could take that kind of stress . So when and if I decide to retire him it will be for keeps . I think . It 's just so hard when you have such a talented , willing , well - trained horse . I can 't describe the feeling I get when we do a perfect half - pass or piaffe . Not only does it feel amazing , but I also know inside that my horse enjoys it too . Giving that up won 't be easy . Lets hope I don 't have to . One last thing - Happy Halloween ! Macey the BeeLily the Pink Care Bear ( Wish Bear , I think ) Sheri Israel is Dressage Mom . I 'm a wife and mother with a full - time job who also has two Arabian dressage horses . This is how I fit it all in . Or try to . Over the years I have written several stories in series format . I 've listed them here with descriptions and links . Arabian Sport Horse Nationals 2009Read about my adventures at this big show and see video of my rides in this series . Of Roses , Red and BlackThe story of how I got into riding , including incredible loss and eventual triumph . How to Piss Off Your Trainer - Gumby HorseA little bendy horse gets me into a bit of trouble . How to Piss Off Your Trainer - The CriticMy sassy teen - aged mouth causes some issues . Saddle UpThe search for a suitable dressage saddle for my Arabian geldingThe BreakupThe painful story of how I left my first dressage trainerMake it workHow I 'm able to do it all , or at least give that impressionOSU Trip 2008Taking my horse to Ohio State University Veterinary Hospital for allergy testing . And other things . The SurgeryI had surgery on , well , delicate parts . This is the whole story . It might reveal way more about me than you want to know . The Sister Chronicles - Ahoy ! How my sister and I got into big trouble on a little river . Looking for something ? |
Sylvie has a soft spot . To make sure , she is soft all over , but in my " demon kitty 's " heart there is one preference : myself . She often looks at me longingly , like she is saying : " I 'd really like to go to you , if I was sure that you want me to do it ! " Most of the time I welcome her expressions of love , be they a thorough rubbing of my shins or guiding me to bathroom and ecstatically greeting me there by rolling on her back on a mat in front of the toilet bawl , or jumping on an arm of the couch where I seat and passionately licking every exposed piece of skin . She just did that , and I responded by scratching all her favorite places . While doing it , I glanced at Chickie , who was sitting on the floor in front of us . He gave me and Sylvie a really dirty look ( " I tried to lick you earlier today , and you rejected my advances ! I just spent an hour sleeping by your side and now you are petting this . . . female ! " ) Yes , I could see it all on his face ! He then proceeded to lick his butt , which further confirmed that what I saw on his face were his real thoughts . Posted by CHAPTER 5 A cold January evening found us disembarking in New York City . The family got smaller by half its members when Lera and Grisha dropped a bomb and announced in Italy , they were going to Denmark , where Grisha 's uncle lived . The relatives in New York met and took us in , helping for the first few months in America . I still felt terribly out of place . I studied English and tried to see my way if not to happiness , then to some kind of contentment ! I went out with guys , but nothing good came out of it . I asked God to help me find something other than tawdry relationships . The months flew by , I watched TV , prayed and bickered with my mother . One time I saw a table with church brochures on the street in front of the New Yorker Hotel . A man started to talk with me , but because I could hardly understand him , I just smiled ruefully and walked away . A few months later I felt more confident . What 's more , I had some work done on my teeth and now , even though I was not aware of that , I began to smile freely , letting my spirit shine through . A young man came to my door , selling funny clip - on toys . When he heard my accent , he asked where I was from . I invited him in . He started to tell me about his church and ask questions about my spiritual life . He was the first person ever to do so . All I could think of was : " This is what I was waiting for ! " I went to the Unification Church 's Sunday Service , then to the Witnessing Video Center . The band played there most nights and I felt like this was a familiar environment . That was soon after the Madison Square Garden Blessing of Marriage Ceremony , and I saw a lot of radiant hope in my hosts , who were willing to share this hope and their friendship with me . When I worked at the theater , I always felt self - conscious and inadequate among the actors . Now I was welcomed and encouraged . Even my broken English was declared to be " very good ! " . I couldn 't even think of telling parents about my new pursuits . I secretly went to a two - day workshop , stayed for seven days and never left after that . My poor mother and father went through hell , hearing all the rumors about the Unification Church . They thought , they lost me forever ! I tried to introduce them to various church members , who spoke Russian , but all was in vain . All that talk about God didn 't make any sense to them . The fact that I was happy and fulfilled , for the first time in my life , didn 't seem to matter : the poison they were taught their whole life prevented them from accepting my faith . The conventional wisdom would 've predicted a sound failure of my current absorption . My mother repeated it often enough over the coming years : " You 'll have nothing , you 'll die in the ditch ! They are just using all of you , you idiots ! " And its true , most of the Unification Church members remain poor , although my future husband was able to make good living . But what I learned early in life was still true for me then : " One does not live by bread alone " . When I and my husband started family , the parents came to live with us . Dad and mom helped raise their grandchildren and supported our family for many years . Those were the happiest years in their lives . It took a long time , but I came to realize : the causes and the leaders didn 't make one happy . Unlike Heavenly Father , they are bound to disappoint . Each person needs to learn to emit a sort of a gravitational pull , like planets and sPosted by As Mr . P suggested ( strongly ) , I went to a meeting of a group called Al Anon Family Group . You see , what I heard when Mr . P said that name a few times , was Alanon . It sounded interesting , even romantic that way and - not at all connected to it 's true purpose . And the purpose of the Al Anon 's Family Group is to be a forum or a support for the families of . . . ( drum beat ! ) alcoholics ! Al - Anon ( Alcoholics Anonymous ) : get it ? To tell the truth , I was shocked . What does alcoholism have to do with me ? I could spin it and say that an addiction to food is , well , also an addiction . But that group is for the families of the addicts ! As the meeting started with the necessary , according to the rules , readings and formalities , I almost fell asleep from boredom , but Mr . P was sitting where he could keep an eye on me , so I couldn 't really doze off . Who 's life is not messed up ? Whose relationships are not , at least , a little bit messy ? May be the advice heard in that group could be beneficial to all who seek therapy and a resolution of some problem in their life . Doing my best to think positive like that , I forced myself to stay alert and see what I can glean from that meeting . No matter what spin I put on me being there , as soon as the family members of real alcoholics and addicts spoke up , my own puny problems just simply faded to the background of my mind . Here were people who had to deal with kids getting sick or incarcerated or murdered because of their alcoholism . What was I going to share ? How my husband used to break dishes when he was angry but now he is behaving so much better ? I still think that I have nothing to do there . I wonder , what will Mr . P say to that at out next meeting ? The Unification Church magazine ( UCmag ) is going to print a compilation of my stories . I don 't know if that 's what it will be , since they took some of every piece that I wrote about my family , cut it to a minute size and combined it to vaguely look like one story . I am not very happy with the form it took , but , I think , I 'll settle for it . It 's better to be published than not , isn 't it ? Isn 't it ? To tell the truth , I lack the confidence that I will ever write anything of value . It 's stupid , I know , since I did not write to be judged for my writing abilities or to be published . I wrote only to get my memories of what my parents told me about our family and my own experiences - out of my head and into the open , where I and anybody who cares to do so , can look at them and take what they want and leave the rest . What then should I do ? I will do what I already decided : let the UCmag publish my stories as they wish , and hope that someone else will become interested in them and treat them with more respect . In the meantime , I will look for inspiration and other things to put to paper . How about that ? Photo by David Oran Miller We huddled in a small frightened group in the enclosure at the Vienna airport . We expected many things on the other side of the Iron Curtain , but not this . The representative of the Jewish organization , which was supposed to help us with the immigration , met us at the airport , accompanied by half a dozen of soldiers with rifles : " for protection " . Because most of the people were going to the U . S . , they didn 't want to surrender their visas in fear that they 'd be compelled to go to Israel instead . That 's why my mom , who was approached first with the request to submit her visa , brought her palm forward in a gesture of emphatic denial and announced with as much aplomb ( and English ) as she could master : " I have ' Nos - sing ' ( nothing ) ! " She and the other immigrants , who sensed a leader in her , then proceeded to trot away around the enclosure , followed by the official , looking exactly like a flock of sheep with a sheepdog nipping at their heels . After a few minutes of fruitless pursuit , he got fed up . " Halt " , - he roared - " get to the wall , put your luggage down ! " He then gestured to the soldiers . They surrounded the group and pointed their rifles at them . Now , these were the Jewish people , standing in a totally unfamiliar environment , surrounded from all sides by rifles and the German speech , with an official rep yelling " Halt ! " The situation reached such a degree of unbelievable that , I could hardly suppress the desire to giggle and stick my finger into the barrel of the rifle that was in front of my face ! Docile now , the immigrants were loaded into the bus and driven to the compound where we were to stay . We took in the high walls with barbed wire on them , and the guards on the towers and started to sweat in earnest . What now : " Abandon hope , ye who enter here " ? Everything was alright inside though . Each family got a clean dorm room and settled down for the night . The next couple of mom 's presumed special standing among the others , our family was called first for an interview . After the scene at the airport , we wanted evPosted by It is cold and gloomy outside . From where I sit I can see a patch of grass in the garden , the concrete of a patio right outside the glass door to the backyard , a ladder and a part of our fence . The old black man stands by the wall of the house , wearing only a red t - shirt and a decrepit straw hat . Every time I catch a glimpse if him out of the corner of my eye , I get a shock . Wouldn 't you ? Fortunately , it is just a boxing dummy ! Taka talked me into buying it about ten years ago . It came with boxing gloves . We had to purchase a big sack of sand to anchor it in place . Before we bought a house , it stood in the corner of our apartment 's living room and I got startled by it then too . The dummy was not such a dummy then ! When one hit it in a right place with sufficient force , one or another of the lights on it 's black frame lit up . Taka 's reason for buying it was to get rid of the pent up bad feelings . He played with it exactly five times since then . The boxing gloves disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle that was our apartment . Eventually , kids dressed the dummy in their cast off clothes and put an old Mexican hat on it . The first time anyone came to our home , they had a shock of their life suddenly noticing a tall silent black figure in the corner of the room . I lost one or two cleaning ladies that way . Maybe then the dummy was still satisfied that it had some impact on the world around it ! Now it just stands on the patio , it 's hat quietly falling apart and now covering dummy 's whole head . I saw a stray cat catch a sight of it and jump in the air once , but otherwise - it 's just a vestige of an old idea that never panned out . Posted by CHAPTER 3 Emigration from the Soviet Union was akin to giving birth , with someone pushing a baby back into you ! Every step of the way one had to contend with the government 's resistance and people 's prejudice . Our family 's case was " lost " two times . Rimka had to leave her job , claiming that she suddenly found out , that she was three years older and eligible for retirement . Lera and I , both , tried to call it off , sick and tired of putting our lives on hold . My friend , a band musician , found me a job as a director 's assistant in a small theater . Moscow and Russia were full of the theater - folk , but the authorities didn 't like the innovation coming from the unsanctioned sources . The theater where I started working was performing - unheard of - the Rock Opera ! The director was Armenian ( another minus in the eyes of the powers - to - be ) . From the moment that I saw the actors not even acting , but just opening the curtain on both sides of the stage - so in sync , so gracefully - I was mesmerized . This was something I could really appreciate and give my full commitment ! I found myself , an unlovely and unlovable , or so I believed , dilettante , amid a talented , attractive , graceful crowd of people . I didn 't have any real skills , couldn 't even type fast . I dived in anyway . My life changed one hundred percent . The troop didn 't get paid until the authorities approved its work . When they had something to show , usually a middle - aged critic , in a wrinkled cheap suit would show up , watch the performance while chewing on a toothpick and , most of the time , declare it inconsistent with the ideals of the Marxist - Leninist society . The director would be told to prepare something else , and his people would live without pay for the next few months . Every day we ate just some bread with butter , the cheapest food at that time , drank a lot of tea and that was it . Now losing all interest in leaving Russia , I took my visa application back . My parents stopped supporting me . I would steal some food from our house and share it with friends . At first , Posted by Hanah does not call . She does not e - mail or Skype or tweet " or nothin ' " . I send her my own heartfelt e - mails , gift cards to Safeway and pictures and videos of cats being cute and funny , but she does not respond . Somewhere , she , probably , laughs over those pictures and videos , but it 's like there is a wall between us . In the movie Fireproof that I recently told you about , the main character , encouraged by his father , starts working on a relationship with his wife . Every time he talks to his mother , though , he gets irrationally cross with her , feeling that she nags him unnecessarily . I didn 't hear any nagging ! She would ask him how things were going and , maybe , a few details , and he would start getting edgy and abrasive toward her . In my heart I wailed : " Why do they do this to us ? " - I meant children to parents - " We just want to have something in common with them , some connection ! " This thing with Hanah stays in the back of my mind , because , what can I do about it that I 'm already not doing ? But - it 's a live sore in my heart . At the end of Fireproof , the main character realized that , it was his mother who instigated the process by which he was able to win his wife back and find God . He went to her then , hugged her and asked for forgiveness . I was crying at that moment , even though that 's not really what the movie was about . Or , perhaps , it was the main point : the most essential changes in our lives come when we find a connection with our parents , and , most of all : our Heavenly Parent ! CHAPTER 2 Mom worked in a laboratory of a big orthopedic clinic . She quickly advanced to the top position , which she then occupied with relish . She was in charge of a few women , lab technicians . Some doctors were working closely with her to do their theses . The more power she felt from her position , the more she felt free to verbally abuse us . She ranted and raved for the smallest reason . Dad took to spending a lot of time playing chess at his brother 's home . When questioned late in life , why he didn 't leave his family at that time , he said , there was no - where to go ! One had to have a permission to stay in Moscow , and apartments were worth killing over . It would also go against the very fiber of his being , to abandon the people for whom he was responsible . He made good money restoring historical buildings and painting murals in the public offices and institutions . Sometimes , there was no work , though , and his crew had to get by on any jobs they could find , like painting safety posters or doing apartments for the high and mighty . Meyer always was sure to give Rimka just a set amount of money every month and keep the rest , in case if there was no work later , and he had to endure her scolding . The family seemed to be well to do and keeping it together . I , sometimes , wondered , if anyone knew or cared about what went on in our apartment . Perhaps , mom was just a typical housewife and a mother , struggling with the finances and her teenagers ? But once there was a day , for instance , when I came to my friend 's apartment to go to school together in the morning , after enduring my mother 's scorn and accusations . The friend 's family was running around , getting ready for the day : the girls were braiding each other 's hair , parents were joking with children . I didn 't have to think about it much : the contrast with my own family was too stark and painful . I just started to cry , standing in the middle of their living room ! So , the situation in our home wasn 't usual or acceptable : Rimka 's children and husband were being emotionally fPosted by Another talk with Mr . P . I had to drive to Alameda , about 30 minutes away from here , to meet him . What 's more important , it was in the evening and I am very uncomfortable driving in the dark . We arranged for me to see him at a cafe today . Karma struck , and a small packet of jelly that I stole ( borrowed , like Roberta says ) from a restaurant burst in my purse . As a result , I had to just pick up my car keys , check book , wallet and cell phone separately , find pockets where to put them all and go see Mr . P . I was OK , even early , found some parking , walked a couple of blocks to the cafe . As I was paying for my double cappuccino ( I had to stay awake , didn 't I ) , I suddenly realized that my checkbook was not in the pocket where I put it . Just like that , my easy , relaxed evening turned into a nightmare . I asked a barista to mind my cappuccino and did trotted in a panic back to the car , all the while imagining some bum hurrying away , gleefully , with my checkbook . Fortunately , I guess , in heaven they don 't consider stealing ( or borrowing ) jelly from restaurants as heavy offence ( like that 's the worst I have done ! ) . Checkbook waited for me innocently on the floor of my car . Another panicked trot back to the cafe , now - because I was late for the appointment , - and everything returned back to normal . Mr . P is very intuitive . Almost from the beginning of a session he , usually , zeros in on a thing that 's central to my well - being at a moment . What were the main points today ? Relationship with Christ and relationship with Taka . I told Mr . P the story of how God was there for me as soon as I opened my heart to Him / Her . Then our conversation somehow slid toward Taka . I was telling Mr . P that , I think , we are doing much better than before , but as he asked me questions about the past problems , all I could feel toward those hurts was . . . nothing . That alerted me to a fact that instead of being happy about the new developments between Taka and I , I was numbing myself to the past hurts , as if preparing to experience them again . Does it make sense to you ? Today I took with me from the session with Mr . P the following : 1 . Expectation gives birth to bitterness . As I sat down and pulled the laptop closer to me to check on my online happenings , Chicken Bone climbed into my arms with a short " Mya ! " He is asking for something special for a few days now . Would it be an extra helping of cream in his dish , a snack or a hug , we don 't know . He 'll take anything he can get ! Just now he made himself comfortable sitting on my chest , turned his head this way and that listening to Moonlight Sonata playing on YouTube , tried to meow to it but failed . He licked my hand , small fangs in his mouth reminding me that he is , in fact , an animal , a being with instincts and wants , most of which I can not understand . He then kneaded me for a few seconds . He leaned into my palm , asking for a good scratch . It took a long time of me rubbing and scratching the sides of his face , his little ears and head . Finally , he was satisfied and lay down quietly , me holding him to my chest like a baby . Sylvie , of course , is sulking by the bathroom . It is her chosen mission in life to bring me there . When I don 't get her hint that that 's where I 'm suppose to go , she sits by the bathroom door until I change my mind . Then she nonchalantly would stroll inside in front of me , her back end waddling , like she is saying : " I told you that you should 've come here ! " Chickie heard Park arrive and knock on Roberta 's outside door . He abandoned me without a backward glance and ran into their room to see if he can sneak outside while Park is trying to get in the door . Yesterday , Park suddenly shouted to me : " What 's Chicken Bone doing outside ? " And really , there he was , strolling around the parking lot , sniffing out all the interesting smells . I was making dinner and my hands were covered in ground chicken ( another soft meal for Taka ) . I saw Park run out of the house like a crazy emu , after Chickie , but couldn 't do so myself before washing hands . Then I grabbed a piece of lunch meat and also went outside . Chickie already led gasping Park in hot pursuit once around the house . I smacked my lips a few times and waived lunch meat in Posted by They were lucky : there were only four families and , all together , 11 people in their apartment . Some flats were even more overcrowded . Each family had one room . There was one bathroom and a shower for all of them and a cavernous , damp , and dimly lit kitchen with four stoves in it . At least , the toilet was inside ! Their previous flat had no such luxury : the tenants had to use the outhouse . Sometimes , when they became desperate and the outhouse was occupied , they had to run to the cafeteria a couple of blocks away , to " take care of business " . Rimka [ my mother ] liked the outhouse , though , at first , because it was the only place where she could be by herself . Later , she even made a friend there ! It was a rat , - a gray , scrawny thing with a long bumpy pink tail . The rat would show up every time Rimka went to the bathroom . The animal would sit quietly in the corner , twitching her nose or grooming herself . After her initial reservations abated , Rimka began to talk to her companion about her day and what was on her mind . The rat then moved into Rimka 's and Meyer 's [ my dad 's ] room , occupying a small vanity cabinet . The humans , true to their unfriendly nature , tried to scare the rat away by borrowing a fat tom cat from the neighbors . The cat and the rat didn 't like the look of each other one bit : they ran in opposite directions as if they saw the devil himself . Rimka was somewhat sad to lose her friend . The rat never returned , and soon the young couple moved away . My parents Now they lived in the tenement known as the " Barracks " . The 11 people in four rooms with one bathroom and one kitchen for four women were slowly driving each other crazy . Soon , Rimka had a little girl , adding to the atmosphere a smell of diapers and the baby 's cries . Meyer 's distant relative came to Moscow and they let him have a cot by the window . All day long , he , a cobbler by profession , sat and clip - clip - clopped the tiny nails into the soles of the shoes . Rimka 's baby daughter , Lera , laid in her crib and craned her neck and screwed up her beautiful Jewish eyes , trying to see , who made all that interesting noise . Her parents came to believe that this was the reason why she turned a bit cross eyed and had to wear glasses since very early in her life . She was perfect in every other way : plump , and cute , and mild tempered . The Barracks sprawled in the poor part of Moscow , surrounded by rising new apartment buildings , amid the eternal puddles and mud pits . Rimka once noticed a small boy falling into such a mud pit . The mud began to suck him under . Forgetting her big pregnant belly ( a child number two ) , Rimka grabbed a wooden pole left by the construction workers and stuck it into the pit in front of the boy . She then was able to pull him out . That earned her a lot of respect from the other tenants ; for a while , at least , until the next kitchen war erupted and her heroic fit was forgotten . When Meyer came to the Maternity Hospital and found out that he became the father of another baby girl , he forgot to be polite and left , to wander the streets in disappointment . The child was so sickly from the beginning that she couldn 't come home for a long time . Lera was always left with the neighbors , or alone in the crib , to wait for her mother . She grew so frustrated by the sudden loss of parental attention , that the first time she was able to see her sister , she smacked her on the head and ran away crying . She learned to be more patient later on : the first thing in life that her younger sibling [ I ] could remember was the face of the older sister , watching over her in the darkened room by the light of the lamp . Although the life in the communal flat was by no means easy , it held some undeniable benefits . There was no room to misbehave , at least not too much . Everyone knew , what was going on in the neighbors ' lives . The kids were surrounded by the built - in baby - sitters . They learned to respect the adults and mind their manners because , if their own parents were lax in that kind of education , there were plenty of people to show them the way . They played unending games in the dark corridors smelling of moth balls , garlic and borscht , among the countless coats , parkas and bicycles . So , how did the adults managed to keep their humanity and their families intact in such circumstances ? They had to have a mighty strong motivation , a hope . Sometimes , it was a hope in the better future , brought about by following the communist dogma . Sometimes , after the terrible losses of the war , they were in love with life itself , determined to beat the stubborn grimness of their reality . They re - built the world , birthed children and refused to give in . They worked and came home to their families , loved and , some , nourished their inner lives to a point when it gave them strength to overcome the external difficulties . That business of life . . . Were they happy or not ? Did it matter ? Rimka was too preoccupied with keeping her younger daughter alive to ponder such things . I seemed to attract every childhood disease that was there . Some well - wishers began to tell Rimka to let the baby go , but Rimka wouldn 't hear of it . She fought for me the I started to show the signs of improvement . I began to put on some baby fat and to smile more : I was out of danger . Then came the day when Rimka returned home from work , went to look in on the baby and found me staring solemnly : eyes huge in my drawn pale face , just like I was , when a sickness claimed me . Rimka grabbed the baby , I let out a yelp of pain . When Rimka frantically questioned Meyer , who was supposed to be baby - sitting , he told her that he was playing , throwing me up and down . Even though he was tryingBy pushing here and pulling there , greasing some palms on the way , Rimka managed to get an apartment . It had a large bedroom and a den , so Meyer 's mother and a step - father came to live with them . The step - father was a stern but fair man . He liked us , grand - kids , and spent his days shuffling about in the apartment , but as soon as he heard Rimka 's key in the door , he would hurry to his room , muttering : " Gendarme , gendarme ! " ( a old word for a policeman ) . He disliked her intensely for constant nagging and arbitrary rules that she imposed on her in - laws . One time he made a mistake and in his haste walked right into a flat pan of paint that Meyer used to paint the apartment . He didn 't even slow down , just kept on shuffling as fast as he could , leaving green streaks on the shining blond parquet floor ! The family had a food cabinet that was shared by all . Dad , wanting to please his parents , built a divider , to make two separate compartments . When Rimka saw it , she became so enraged by this breach of her authority that she grabbed an ax and chopped the cabinet to pieces ! Since then , the grandmother rarely left her room ; she watched children there , put us for a nap on her tall , soft bed or holding us to her soft , pillowy frame . When she dared to come out , she always seemed to hold my little hand in her own , whether to keep an eye on the child or to gain a degree of confidence from that small contact . The children were growing . No more toddlers , we donned the smart little school uniforms and " the Children of October " pins ( the star shaped pins with the picture of Lenin as a child in the middle ) . Every day mom put giant white bows , bigger then our heads , in our hair . Although Lera was six years older , she and I went to the same school building from the first grade to the High School . It was our time to discover the world and ourselves . I came home invariably covered from head to toe in ink . A kindly cafeteria lady would dunk me in the tub in the kitchen and use industrial strength ( and smell ) soap to take off the worst of the stains ! I was skinny , almost see - through , and Rimka 's life 's purpose became to make me eat . The cafeteria lady and every other caretaker joined her in that purpose . After a few years of being made to sit at the table until I finished my meal , or standing in the corner for stubbornly refusing to do so , I gave in . Mary and I went to the pool again . Next week she will start the Weight Management Program . Mary is a very unconventional soul . When she went to doctor to discuss her blood test before starting the Program , she found out that she has Diabetes . The doctor tried to impress upon her the importance of taking medicine and checking her blood sugar level a few times a day . Mary said : " N - O ! " She has her own views on health issues . For example , and we talked about all of that while meandering back and forward in the pool , - she says ( after researching the matter ) that elevated blood sugar is the result of the body 's inability to process carbohydrates . So - there are some elements that can help us process the carbs , like Betadine . I only heard that word used to describe an antiseptic solution . Perhaps , she meant something else , after all , she purchased it in a pill form and will start taking it immediately . Another way to decrease blood sugar is to exercise . That works , I did it numerous times myself ( not enough , mind you ! ) . Mary said that doing repetitive weight pushing makes your muscle start to absorb carbs instead of them being stashed in your bloodstream . I am not sure , what I feel . I am a little depressed that I am not going to start the Weight Management Program with Mary , after all , it 's so much easier to do those things with a friend 's support . I am also a little relieved that I don 't have to live on those ghastly shakes and nutrition bars and powder soups just yet . I will do so in the new year , won 't I ? For now , I will just stick with pool , Betadine pills Mary bought me a bottle too ) and , maybe , get me some hand weights . Posted by RIMKA Did she like him ? She , certainly , had better offers . Like that doctor , for example . But she would have never married the doctor , because she would have always felt inferior to him . And she could not abide that . Meyer was a simple fellow , his family was crude and uninteresting in her eyes . She couldn 't see beyond the dirty fingernails and bad table manners , that her unassuming boyfriend was a true craftsman . He joined the crew of , mostly , his relatives , who did various jobs in Moscow . Sure , when there was nothing else , they painted apartments or made safety posters to keep their families fed , but their main work was that of restoration . They put gold leaf on the great cupolas of the Russian churches ( Jewish men , risking their lives on the flimsy scaffolding , to uplift and uphold the Russian spirit ) , painted and restored the train and , later , the metro stations , the historical buildings and the public offices . They were supposed to use stencils to create the appearance that the patterns were sculpted on the walls and the ceilings . Eventually , my father began to just paint them freehand . The Moscow Synagogue , after they were done with it , became a jewel , in hundreds of intricate blue and gold patterns . In fifty years that they spent together , Rimka will rarely think of that or appreciate his talent . She felt that she could be an unchallenged leader of him and their family and that 's why she agreed to marry him . She never mellowed out . Of course , she loved us from the bottom of her heart , but her father - in - law called her a gendarme , for the arbitrary rules that she imposed and the attacks of temper against the in - laws and her own family . Meyer tried to reason with her , but soon gave up and resolved , as much as possible , to stay out of her way . WE TOGETHER They had two children , my sister and myself . To tell the truth , Meyer and Rimka needed each other . Meyer was easy going and he needed Rimka to push and nudge her family in the direction that , she believed , they should go . She also learned to appreciate Meyer , Posted by I was invited to see a movie tonight . I did not expect to be so moved by it . It is called Fireproof . It is about couples overcoming difficulties in their relationships with the power of God 's love and self - sacrifice . I heard that the movie was made by volunteers , on a very small budget . It is really worth watching , if deep questions , like the nature of the relationships and our own relationship with the eternal and imperishable things , concern you . Then you 'll love it ! It 's so strange and scandalous ! I hope , my husband doesn 't find out what I am now letting the whole world know : I get smiles and alerts that some single men in my area viewed my profile ! Well , actually , they viewed my friend , Evelyn 's , profile , with her name and a description in it , but since she is utterly computer illiterate , I helped her set up her profile on two matching websites and placed my e - mail address there . It 's going to blow up in my face , I just know it . But what can I do ? I promised to help her find a husband , and that 's what we are doing . Evelyn is beautiful and healthy and fit . She managed to raise a kid alone , who now is in one of the best colleges in the country . Why is it so hard to find a man who would be worthy of such a person ? I already turned the world over ( really , I talked to people from all over the States and Europe ) , but , so far , - no luck ! Perhaps , with the help of the internet - the - all - knowing , we can unearth that elusive someone that God in Her wisdom prepared for Evelyn ! And I hope , it 'll happen before my husband starts asking questions about why single men find it necessary to send me their profiles ! Grandma Velya really was sick . It was up to Rimka now to provide the necessities of life : food and the wood for fuel , to supplement their meager rations , as well as keep house and her own sanity . She spent the years of war doing just that . Her father and his family came to live in Moscow after the siege was lifted . He didn 't have much to do with Rimka , but other relatives shamed him into helping her and his mother . In fact , her relatives took more and more interest in the young woman that she became . They urged her to finish the nursing school , then to specialize as a lab technician She and the Grandma were still poor like the , let 's say , synagogue mice . Rimka went out with a few young men , but nothing serious ever came out of this . She was getting older , but in the country where every third man died in the war , it was hard to find a suitable husband . Meyer felt the warmth of the sun on his shoulders through a thin civilian shirt . After seven years of soldiering , the civilian shoes still felt strangely light on his feet . The clanging of the trams and the women 's voices on the street thrilled him . He was safe . He survived the war , the bombings , the cold and the hunger , the German attacks and the anti - Semitic bastards in the Russian army . After Germany surrendered , he was sent to the Far East . The Russian Army marched for hundreds of miles through Mongolia to the Japanese front , but the Americans bombed Hiroshima and Nagasaki , and the war was over . The army sent him to Siberia then , to build some fortifications . He survived that too , although carrying giant logs and living in constant cold and wetness undermined his health in ways that he didn 't even start to understand . But he went to war as a bookish , sickly young boy and he came back as a strong , reliable young man . After a couple of years at home , his mother began to nag him to find a good Jewish girl and get married . In fact , right now he was going to meet a young lady recommended by a matchmaker . As my future father neared his destination , he noticed that the houses were getting shabbier and shabbier . The place where he was going was , really , just a little hut sitting next to an apartment building . He knocked on the door - the lock was broken - and came inside . The pile of blankets on a bed in the darkened room moved , and a girl 's face showed up . He took in the huge , hungry green eyes , the hollow cheeks and a full lower lip . She was lovely . He introduced himself to her and the Grandmother who slept on a large bed behind the stove . He made himself useful by chopping wood , then , for a little while , made small talk . Rimka 's ( mom 's ) Grandmother , Velya ( in front ) , father ( directly over her ) , step - mother ( to the left of her ) and aunt and uncles . The next day , he came back and repaired the lock and some other things in the house . After that he kept showing up , hoping to understand whether they belonged together . Most of the time , she was shy and even a little bit cold . When he met her relatives , he felt out of place . They had a cultured air about them , and he was from a simple family of craftsmen . Rimka didn 't encourage him too much , but she was always there when he called . He couldn 't figure her out . Most of the time she was nice and proper , but , sometimes , she could be out of control , like when her Grandma took his side in an argument once and Rimka smacked her across the face . Perhaps , he thought , she will mellow out in marriage . One day , in the winter , they went to the store together . The new snow just fell , the streets were quiet and the air was crisp and almost ringing with anticipation . They started to throw snow balls at each other , then , breathless with laughter and exertion , they stopped and kissed in the gateway . Well , so far , I can 't brag about my accomplishments . I didn 't go on Weight management Program because it 's better to do it next year , when we will get a tax break from spending all that money on medicine . I cancelled the pool outing with Mary yesterday and a session with Mr . P today because . . . There weren 't any really compelling reasons to do it . I just had to juggle a few other things that I needed to do . It was possible to arrange everything , but my inner sleeper turned to the wall and announced : " I 'm not going to think about it today . I 'll think about it tomorrow ! " That is a quote form Miss Scarlett O ' Hara that I so often find myself mentally using to subvert my own efforts for good living . Is it enough to be a Dina - Llama if my health and my life are falling apart ? I myself wouldn 't trust a person who encourages others and can 't master will power to take care of oneself . On the other hand , what 's that that Mr . P teaches me to remember ? " Condemning my imperfections can never enhance my appreciation of life or help me love myself more . " I will do it ! I will do it ! After the fiasco at the farm , Rimka had to go home , of course , but , secretly , she was thrilled by her adventure . In Moscow , she continued to volunteer whenever she could . When the Germans started to throw the fire bugs , the devices that ignited on contact , from their planes , she ran with a group of her friends on the roofs of the Russian Capital , pushing the missiles off to the streets bellow . She was drafted to work at the munitions ' factory . She worked so hard that the other women began to complain that because of her the quotas were getting higher . That discouraged Rimka so much that she became depressed again . Women had to live in the dormitories , they worked for many hours , without much rest . One day , Rimka hid to get some sleep during her shift . She was found , humiliated and almost court - martialed for abandoning her post during the war . Her age saved her and the fact that she was her sick Grandmother Velya 's only caregiver . Meyer and Wolfzon helped each other to pick up their loads and set off walking again , Meyer praying to God in whom he didn 't believe and Wolfzon getting quietly high . In addition to smoking pot , he also dug out a bottle of hooch , and Meyer heard the musical sounds of the alcohol pouring into Wolfzon 's mouth . No one could find drugs or booze better then Wolfzon . No matter , where the telephone unit was , how far in the countryside or in the most ransacked city , Wolfzon would lay his hands on anything that he could sniff , snort , take , drink or cook that would bring him the desired oblivion . It was a testament to the desperation of the Soviet government that a known drug addict and a flat - footed 18 year old boy , chronically suffering from severe sinus infections , were drafted at all . Twenty minutes later , and Wolfzon crushed to the ground again . He sat in the middle of the road , laughing and smearing the mud on his face and uniform . Meyer sighed and dropped the spool . He yelled to Serov to catch up with them quickly . Serov approached , swearing . He calmed down though and his eyes took on a sly expression , when Meyer explained his idea . He would walk by himself , laying the wire on the ground and come back for them after he reached their destination and left the empty spool there . They would then be able to manage Wolfzon and the things he carried and set the poles for the wire that Meyer had laid earlier , so that it would be out of the way of the traffic . The lieutenant , obviously , thought that Meyer might get blown up anyway , and , if otherwise , they 'll be able to complete their task . The night became darker . Walking backwards with a heavy spool and unreeling the wire was hard work . Even so , from time to time Meyer looked up at the stars and mouthed prayers that his grandfather taught him . His mind went from praying to thinking of his family . His parents emigrated to Russia from Poland sometime after the World War I . His mother was an orphan , but she made a life for herself by taking on the cleaning and sewing jobs . She had more money then her groom and even bought him a suit for the wedding ! He was a happy man once , a loving husband and father . He often played violin for his family and guests . Anyone in need , even if they were complete strangers , were always welcome in his home for a meal or the shelter . Life beat the happiness out of him , but could not take away his charitable heart or the unique creativity with which he approached every task . Meyer moaned , thinking of how he wasn 't allowed to go home to say good bye to his dying father . A few months after that , he received a notice that his brother , Samuel , was missing in action . Meyer shuddered to think what his starry - eyed poet and a bookworm brother went through in the war , before he disappeared somewhere in the bogs near Leningrad . At least Lev , his other brother , was out of danger . He had a cushy posting in the supply corps . Meyer 's mother lived in Moscow with her only daughter and the grandchildren . Meyer 's mind flinched away from thinking about them . It was too painful : he couldn 't do anything to help or protect them . As he worked , the fear gradually dissipated . The spool was getting lighter . Meyer saw a crumbling wall of an abandoned village . He took a short rest in the club building , left everything there that he wouldn 't need on the way back and set out to help Wolfzon and Serov . They had to drug Wolfzon between them , while Serov kept on a steady stream of dire threats and racial slurs . He insisted on putting unconscious Wolfzon in a separate hut for the few hours before the dawn . When they went to fetch him in the morning , he wasn 't there . Usually , after drinking and doing drugs Wolfzon would be miserable and limp as a noodle , in withdrawal . They went out of the hut and looked around . The morning was quiet and ordinary . They saw Wolfzon , moseying toward them through a small apple orchard , chewing on an apple . He was weak but unharmed . Wolfzon finished the apple , spat the seeds and threw the uneaten core back into the trees . The blast of the explosion flung all of them to the ground , earth clods and pieces of the tree pelting them as they writhed in mortal fear . Afterwards , they sat there , digging the dirt from their eyes and trying to hear through the ringing in their ears . Wolfzon was pointing at what used to be an orchard and stuttering : " I w - w - walked through there j - just n - now ! " Serov 's pants were wet and sagging in the back and he smelled like shit . Taka can only eat soft stuff . About two and a half months ago he began having a toothache . He manfully waited for two weeks until he asked me to make a dentist appointment . The dentist found nothing , and Taka immediately started to think that he has jaw cancer . He started to come and talk to me in the evenings ( he never did it before ) , all the while grabbing himself by the jaw and shaking it ( perhaps , to check if it was still attached ) . I took a view that he should try to show his tooth to a dentist again before making the funeral arrangements . This time the doctor found a crack in one of his bottom teeth . By that time Taka was already insisting on having soft rice for breakfast , lunch and dinner . Do you know , how long it takes rice to cook until it becomes the consistency that Taka likes , namely , like runny glue ? ! At least he stopped talking about the jaw cancer . The dentist talked him into putting a crown on an offending molar . First he had a temporary crown put on . You should 've seen him that evening ! " That soup is too hot ! " " This salmon pancake ( believe it ! ) has jalapeno in it and a piece got stuck under my crown ! " Every day I racked my brain about what to cook that will not require any chewing . Any kind of meat went into a blender , together with copious amounts of onion and breadcrumbs . I bought out the entire stock of tofu from a local supermarket and boiled it in a different sauce every day . Gradually , I noticed that Taka became more brave about his food choices . He consumed cartons of ice cream and tins of pies . I saw him take on some shockingly pink Mexican cookies that were not at all soft . I still did my best to provide him with soft meals , but felt that the reprieve from perpetual blending , stirring , mashing the potatoes and " tofu - ing " was in sight . Not so ! Yesterday he went and got a permanent crown . For some reason , he could not talk normally when he got home . Sonny and I both caught something about him " not breathing " and became really concerned . I went after him and began probing for a reason why he couldn 't breathe . He looked at me disgustedly and enunciated it better through locked teeth : " Bl - r - l - r - eeding ! " " Bl - r - l - r - eeding ! " ( Japanese have hard time pronouncing their Rs ) . It turned out , he also got his other tooth pulled and his gum was bleeding ! Today , feeling guilty , I cooked all day . As a result , he pronounced that my soup was too crunchy ( ! ) , my chicken ( the best in years ) - too hard . He weaseled some pancakes out of me , which he ate with most of our ice cream . He also finished a dish of jello , three yogurts and all of the crunchy ( ! ) soup . I don 't know , where it all goes , he has no fat on him ! But tomorrow I am starting on another round of tofu boiling ! |
Sunday Photo Fiction : looking for the light Billy Chanting spent his entire life trying to get to Heaven , and for that , he spent most of his days in hell . You see , Billy dealt with schizophrenia for most of his adult life . He heard ' voices ' that told him to do terrible things , and thinking it was the blessed Lord 's voice , he listened . Maybe that was the reason why he spent the last few years of his life behind bars , mostly in solitary confinement . His rap sheet was endless ; in his thirty years of life , he took so many . He murdered small children , pregnant mothers , and even a priest or two , all claiming to be upon the orders of God himself . He said that the children were spawns of the devil , and he had to rid the world of them before they grew and spread evil throughout . He claimed that the three pregnant mothers were to give birth to the anti - Christ , so he took their lives before they could do so . The priests he killed were apparently spreading blasphemy across the world . One fateful day , when his sentence finally came to an end , Billy Chanting was set free . When they opened the doors of the prison , Billy finally seen the light , and headed directly into its direction . " God , take me . I have lived my life doing your bidding . I am ready " he said . Charlie was such a character . He took everything literally . Maybe it was his upbringing ; when he didn 't do exactly as he was told , his cruel father punished him . The same held true for the detour sign . Most people might read the sign , and then take the road around the area where the sign pointed . Not Charlie . He went straight across the lawn into the light pole . Damn near killed himself . It didn 't bother Dad though . He was used to the walk , and used to work too . I was eighteen years old , and in for the fright of my life . " How could this be hard ? " I asked myself . " lifting wood and piling it up , not rocket science . " I was about to find out just how wrong I was , on both counts . Dad was patient with me , which must have taken a lot out of him . I complained about the ride up , I complained about the walk in . I even complained about our dinner , which my Dad packed . God knows I complained about how hot is was and how hard the work was . The night before , we argued most of the evening . Dad really didn 't want me working as a logger . " Once you get in , you never seem to be able to leave . I want more for you than the woods . Its a hard living . Early up , early to bed , and often too tired to enjoy your life . The money is bad , and the weather will get you if the work don 't . " It seemed that all the bad things happened to me on that first day . I got an eye full of tree sap . Want to talk about pain ? Try something that not only burns like hell , but it actually sticks your eye shut , if you are lucky enough that it doesn 't stick to your eye . Nothing except tears gets the stuff off your eye . The pulpwood was heavy too . And God knows , Dad was never famous for cutting the limbs close to the tree . There was ALWAYS something to stab you , and on my first day , every one got me . I was bleeding from the arms and even the chest . And then there were the flies . Mosquitoes were bad , but the sandflies ( or ' no - see - ums ' ) were so thick that you had to scrape them from your face . They would crawl into your ears , nose and even your mouth . Pour up a hot cup of tea , and right away a few blackflies have found their way into the cup . " Scoop them out with a stick and eat your dinner " Dad would say . " If you let them bother you , you won 't be able to work , you have to eat to keep your strength up " He knew what he was talking about . By days ' end , I figured I had eaten over a million blackflies . Mmmm Protein ! Dad would cut the tree down and run the chainsaw across the trunk , cutting the heavy limbs from the tree . He would then use the ' whip ' at the end of the saw to measure two four foot lengths , and cut the tree in eight foot lengths . My job was to pile the pulpwood onto skids so the Tree Farmer ( or TimberJack ) operator could tackle his cable around the wood and haul it out . This was hard work ! The wood wasn 't very well balanced , so you had to pick the wood up at one end , stretch your arm out to balance the thing , and carry it to the pile . You can imagine how sore this was on the arms . Dad used to help out when the wood was too heavy for one person , or when he seen that I was struggling . I did this work for twenty years . I never heard Dad complain once . The only complaint he had was for me to quit and do something better with my life . What could have been better than working side by side the the man I looked up to all my life ? In those hard times , I was taught a work ethic that I have taken with me to many jobs since . Be to work on time , work hard as you can . Never complain about your work , you are lucky to have work . Be pleasant and always make the best of a situation . Life lessons , taught to me by my dad . I am fortunate to have those memories and those life lessons . SightsnbytesNovember 20 , 2014 Friday Fictioneers : Dan the motorman Dan was quite the mechanic . He could fix virtually anything . Despite his teachers claiming he was a genius , he quit school in the fifth grade . He went from the books to motors , developing his craft quickly . This true story is my entry into this week 's Friday Fictioneers . SightsnbytesNovember 19 , 2014November 21 , 2014 100 Word Challenge : A Child 's revenge As black as midnight , she slithered into the dark room . Without a sound , she pounced upon her prey . Claws dug deep into his neck ; he didn 't see it coming , and his life was over instantly . I felt that this would be a good time to get her input . I asked her to take a long look at the picture prompt and tell me what she saw . I added that I would then try to write a story based on what she seen . I should have thought this through before offering . There once was a little hummingbird named Percy . Percy looked exactly like his friends except for the fact that he had a giant penis . Having a giant penis made it very difficult to fly , and because of this , Percy was often the butt of everyone 's jokes . When he couldn 't take the teasing any longer , he made up his mind to cut the damn thing off . He was very scared about doing such a thing to his giant penis , but on one freezing cold day , he got up the nerve to do it . Unfortunately for Percy , it had began to rain the same instant that he cut the thing off . The rain turned to ice , and Percy , the knife , and his giant penis froze to the fence . SightsnbytesNovember 16 , 2014November 17 , 2014 Velvet Verbosity : One Saucy Cat ! That old cat was some brazen ! He would stroll around the house as if he owned the place . Once , he left and visited my neighbour . Her door was open at the time , so he went inside , flipped open the door of the bird cage , and took her budgie . And God says , " Yes . I 'm going to give you a companion , a woman . She will help you out in every way . She will support you always . She will listen , and follow your advice . She will give you comfort . She won 't ask questions . She will rub your feet and your back when you are weary , and you won 't have to rub her feet or her back . She will provide you with love , and understanding , and reverence , and approval , and veneration . Every day . And she will prepare your meals the way you like them , on time and hot . And she will clean all your houses and all your laundry , and she won 't complain . She will obtain happiness by making you happy , for all of your days . . . And Adam paused . He considered . He stared into the beauty of the Garden and reflected , and thought , and thought some more . Finally , Adam said : Artie follows the woman into the local supermarket . Quickly he follows her over to the produce area . she is alone . He chokes her quickly . As he finishes he looks up and sees an old lady watching . The ground beneath them was ice cold . A heavy frost had set in , covering the earth like a silvery blanket . Luckily for the Marking boys , their father was resourceful enough to scan the plane for supplies before embarking on their journey home . A heat reflecting blanket came in handy , as the three of them wrapped tightly and cuddled even tighter . Tom found a box of rations under the seat of the plane , and all three of them feasted on the dry food . Eventually , the boys did fall asleep ; but not Tom . Leaving the boys cuddled inside the foil blanket , Tom scoured the area for threats and signs of predators . He also took this quiet time to plan their next move . The sky was as clear as day , the moon and stars lighting up the world around him . Using a small notepad he kept in his pocket , Tom drew a map using the stars . Doing this , he was able to picture where they were , and how far they drifted from their original location . He also gathered several berries that grew around the area , and prepared them for morning . The boys will be hungry when they wake up . Old Charlie Pickering was a strange old man . He lived in the hills all his life ; he never had anyone close to him , he never needed them . Charlie built a log home deep in the cover of the tallest fir trees in the Thunder Forest , and has lived there , alone for over 50 years , maybe longer . He never had a family , at least not that anyone ever known , he was happy to be one with nature . Years ago , a few survivalists visited with Charlie , and he taught them many skills that would ensure their safety should they ever get lost . One of his students was a boy named Tommy Marking . Tommy was a good kid , although he was bitter after losing his dad at such a young age . Tom Sr . was a bush pilot whose plane crashed deep in the forest when Tommy was just eight years old . In Tom 's will , it was mentioned that Tom Sr . wanted his kid to be trained for whatever Thunder Forest could throw at him . From the years of 9 until he turned 15 , Tom Jr . spent summers visiting with Charlie , and winters practicing what he had learned … The grizzly never had a chance . A long tree branch sharpened at the end provided Tom the opportunity to save himself and his beloved sons . Taking the long stick , he trust the end towards the chest of the now standing giant . Propping the other end in the ground , the beast fell towards Tom , the sharp stick driving into the chest of the massive animal . The pain was not enough to kill the animal , but just enough to send the beast running in the opposite direction . A simple trick he learned from Charlie Pickering had saved the day . Speaking of Charlie Pickering , Tom now had a plan for the morning . By drawing a map according to the stars , Tom was able to discover exactly where they were . Just a few miles from Old Charlie 's log house . Charlie is gone now , but hopefully enough of his cabin still exists so that they could take up refuge for the day . As they hid in the tall bushes , wheels spun inside Tom 's head . He had to distract the Eagle so that they could seek refuge inside the cabin . Thinking back to his childhood , he recalled a time when he and Old Charlie faced a similar problem . The bird was a large Falcon , and the thing was every bit as cunning as that eagle . Tom remembered Charlie tying various bits of leaves , feathers , and pieces of moss together to resemble a bird . Charlie then threw the thing far away from the bird , and when she flew to retrieve the ' animal ' , He and little Tom ran and retrieved a few of her eggs . Tom didn 't want the eagle 's eggs ; he just wanted to get inside the cabin . " What is this place , why is it in the middle of nowhere ? Who lived here , and who is that kid in the picture ? He looks just like me ! " said the younger brother . " That is you ? What were you doing here in this cabin ? Did you live here when you were a kid ? " they both asked , in unison . " After your grandfather died , I spent most of my summers up here . See that man in the picture , the guy with the big grey beard ? That 's Old Charlie Pickering . I used to call him Chars . He was like a father to me , taught me everything I know . " Tom brushed the dust from a wooden table and dusted off the chairs surrounding it . The words " TOMMY WAS HERE " were etched into the center of the table . " Chars got really angry with me for doing that . He said that it was disrespectful . " " Of course , there wasn 't any electricity up here , but Chars hung it above the table anyway . We put candles where the light bulbs were supposed to go . " I grew to love the old guy as if he was my dad . " Tom spent the rest of the evening telling the boys all about his adventures with Chars and about how he learned things that schools could never teach . With the last of the rations gone now , he would have to hunt in the morning . For now though , he was home . The next morning , the boys were early to get up . They were surprised to find their dad wasn 't around . A note on the table explained where he had gone . ' Boys , when you get up , put a few more logs on the fire . I will be back soon … gone to find food for the day , and to take a look around . Make sure not to leave the cabin . Oh , there 's a surprise for you and your brother on the counter . ' Sure enough , on the counter sat a bag of candy . Tom had taken it from the plane and forgot about it . It would be enough to keep his kids going until he returned with food . Hanging from a branch , Tom 's feet dangled over the edge of the cliff . He had been tracking a deer since sunrise . Just when he had the animal in his sights , his feet slipped over the edge and he was hovering over the falls . His grip was failing . The branch was covered with frost from the night before , and its roots were beginning to fail . Tired , hungry and not really thinking , Tom let his guard down ; he should have known better than go hunt before the sun came up … . and now he may have to pay dearly for this mistake . With nobody to call out to , and nobody to save him , Tom was alone . The worst part , if Tom doesn 't make it , his two sons won 't either … . . In one of the cabinets , the boys found a small box . It contained letters addressed to Tommy Marking . Although the boys have been taught to respect the privacy of others , they were bored . Eddy opened the box and grabbed a few of the letters . Holding them to the light , he noticed that most of them were from the same person , their grandmother . The letters were mostly the same . ' Miss you ; listen to Mr . Pickering , and other things that bored the boys . And then there was a letter from someone their dad had never mentioned . It was addressed to their dad , from someone named Alice . ' Tommy , I am so sorry . I didn 't mean to drive you away from our home . You just reminded me so much of Dad , I couldn 't stand to see you around the house . Please come home with Mom and me , we miss you ' Now , if Tom was around , he could explain this one to the boys . He never left home because he was driven away ; he just needed some male guidance , something that his mother couldn 't provide him . His sister sent him an apology letter for something which had never happened . She was riddled with guilt because she thought she had driven her brother away from home . Little did she know that Chars gave him the guidance he needed in life . He did not dwell on the past like his sister did ; he moved on and became a successful guide and bush pilot . Alice Marking never married . She never went to college either . She lived her years alongside her mom . The two of them never got over losing her Tom Sr . Years of guilt for ' driving ' her brother away ate at her as well . That 's why , when they got the news that Tom and his two sons ' plane crashed somewhere near Jackson Falls , they worried so much . " The boys will be safe ; there isn 't another human being in the country who knows that country like Tommy . If I know him , he will head straight to Charlie Pickering 's cabin . All we have to do is alert the search party to head for the cabin . I know my son , he will be there waiting . " At approximately 3 p . m . on Saturday , November 14 , Search and Rescue found two boys near a cabin just north of Jackson Falls . They were unconscious at the time of rescue . Upon the time of resuscitation , it was discovered that they had been starving , possible without food for several days . Cold must have taken the boys while they searched for their father , who did not return as the note suggested . Their father was nowhere to be found . The boys were taken home to live with their grandmother and their Aunt Alice . Later in the spring , the body of Thomas Marking Jr . washed up on a beach in a nearby town . Apparently he had fallen into Jackson Falls and died on impact . He wasn 't the first taken by the falls , and sadly , he wouldn 't be the last . Visitors take notice , Beware of Jackson Falls . |
Ianto 's getting a new " neighbour " tomorrow , a little baby boy named Matthew . Not much information , obviously , but now we won 't be the " new kids on the block " , so to speak . So sad that " our " little part is filling so quickly . I 'm still trying to figure out what to do for Ianto 's headstone . It won 't be getting ordered for a while , but I want to make sure I 'm prepared . Those on the facebook fan page will know , I went to the cemetery today and took a few photos of other graves to get ideas . Obviously they 're for my personal use , I 'd never dream of posting photos of someone else 's grave online without permission . Ianto 's , on the other hand . . . . This is the flag I put on his graveThe windmill Scott bought . . . . . . and an overview of the whole grave . Tomorrow I hope to go to the tattooist to get started on the final design for that - since we 're " trying " again as soon as we can , I want to get Ianto 's memorial tattoo before I 'm pregnant again - probably jinxing myself by thinking it might not take us long . . . If Ianto had been born alive , but on the same date , we 'd be celebrating his one - month " birthday " today . Instead , I went to a family reunion and was confronted by at least three pregnant women , all massive and due in the next few months . I broke down . I 've been alright lately , but today , being what it was and seeing these women . . . I couldn 't handle it . The only thing that made me smile was holding my cousin 's baby and playing with another cousin 's little girl . Some ( most ) of you may know that I 'm a member of a parenting / pregnancy site called Bellybelly . Well , on said site , there are certain forum groups for women due around the same time , called " Belly Buddies . " My belly buddies group has now welcomed their second baby ( Ianto was first , obviously . . . ) and we 're all delighted ! I can 't believe it 's been a month since we lost Ianto . It 's gone so quickly , but at the same time it feels like I 've always felt like this . Is it really over a month since I last held my tummy and complained that the baby was kicking too hard ? What I 'd give to have those kicks back . . . Scott and I really need to get around to writing out the thank - you card for the midwives . We picked a card out the week after Ianto was born , but it 's still just sitting , waiting to be written in . We also need to get on with choosing a headstone . I have a million ideas for it , but of course we can 't shove everything in there . I don 't like looking at a rough patch of dirt for his grave . Scott and I were both shocked at how terrible his grave looked after it was filled in - it 's not smooth dirt , it 's gunky clay , piled a little too high . It had bits of glass ( ! ) and plastic sticking out of it when we first went . We got rid of what we could but it still looks horrible . A lot of the other graves in the Garden of Angels ( the children 's section of the cemetery ) have windmills and other decorations on them , so we 've joined in and put a rainbow windmill and flag there . It 's such a bright , colourful part of the cemetery - and the most heartbreaking . I have a habit when I 'm at a cemetery , I go around and look at all the other graves in the area . I love thinking of the stories the people might have . Or in the GoA 's case , what stories the parents could tell me . The kids ' graves are so beautiful , whether they have proper headstones or not . I wish I could speak to some of these parents just to satisfy my curiosity . One of my big questions : Why does one headstone have the Batman logo on it ? I noticed it the first time we went there - the day before the funeral - and it 's been nagging at me . It 's not particularly important , obviously the little boy was a Batman fan , but why did his parents put it on his headstone ? Did he know he was dying , and ask them to do so ? Was he just such a big fan , his parents thought that was the best way to commemorate him ? Was it the parents who were the fans ? I think what makes me all the more curious is that there 's no date of birth or death on the grave , so I don 't know how old he was when he died . Yesterday was a bad day for me . It hit me really hard that I 'm not going to be holding a baby in a few weeks time . I mean , I 've known that for a few weeks , obviously , but there 's still some strange part of me in denial about the whole thing . Anyway , yesterday was a bad day . I cried most of the day , didn 't eat or drink anything , then didn 't sleep . In my weaker moments , I had terrible thoughts such as " I should go to the cemetery and tell them to dig the coffin up so I can take Ianto home . " Like I said , terrible thoughts . It 's still in the back of my mind , to be honest . When I tried to sleep , I started crying really hard and woke up Scott . He consoled me for a little while , then drifted off to sleep again until his alarm went off for him to work . That set me off even more . I was utterly hysterical with crying , telling him not to leave me . I didn 't want to be alone . I was terrified I might give in and hurt myself . Thankfully I didn 't , all the crying had knocked me out and somehow I fell asleep sitting up . I woke up in a much better mood . I want to have another baby as soon as possible . No , not even " want , " I need to be pregnant again . I need to know Ianto being conceived wasn 't just a one - off occurrence , that he was my one chance at being a mum . I need to hold a screaming , warm baby in my arms and think " you 're mine . " I need to throw birthday parties , to watch my baby grow up . I need to do all the things I won 't be able to do with Ianto . I need to have a completely positive birth experience , where between contractions I 'm not thinking " my baby is dead , I don 't want a dead baby , I don 't think I can love it . . . " I seriously have the feeling that I can 't be properly happy until I have another baby . I can fake being happy . I can laugh at things , smile , etc . , but real happiness ? Nope . I wrote this poem while I was in the hospital listening to other babies being born . . . In The StillIn the still of the nightA baby criesHurt . In the still of the nightAnother baby fussesUpset . In the still of my roomI ache for my baby . Heartbroken . In the still of my baby 's heartNo life . No hurt . No upset . No heartbreak . Born Still . at I 'm in the process of designing a memorial tattoo . I 've come up with a few ideas , bits and pieces I 'd like in there , but they won 't all fit together . . . Here 's what I 've thought of so far : Ianto 's name & date of birth ( these are non - negotiable ) Angel wingsHis footprintsPink - and - blue ribbon ( it 's the " symbol " for baby loss , apparently ) Something tying it to the tattoo I have on my thigh ( it says " I believe in Love surviving Death into Eternity " ) So far , I 'm able to put them all together except the ribbon and the wings - it seems I 'll need one or the other . Ah well . I need to find a font for the wording , too . Not many of the fonts I like have good " I " s - they seem to all look like " J " s or lower - case " L " s . Not to worry though , the wonderful ladies of Bellybelly have directed me to some good font sites , and I 'm whittling it down . Here 's hoping I 'll have some pictures to put up here soon ! In other news , I 've just created a Facebook fan page for this blog - I wonder if I 'll start getting more readers ? Only time will tell . . . It 's bizarre how things can slip your mind sometimes , even if they 're as huge as losing your child . I 've found myself at times forgetting that Ianto died . It 's mainly when I 've just woken up , and I rub my belly for a moment wondering if the baby will kick . . . then it hits me - he won 't . Or , worse still in my eyes , I forget I was even pregnant to begin with . That used to happen quite a bit when I actually was pregnant - I didn 't feel like I was most of the time , so I had to remind myself not to do certain things . All the books and pamphlets they gave us in the hospital said that men and women grieve differently , so don 't get annoyed at your partner if they 're not " doing it right . " I didn 't think that would affect Scott and I , but it is . I know I shouldn 't hold it against him , because it 's the way he 's been the past few years , but I really wish we were able to talk things over rather than try to distract ourselves with stupid games or the computer . When we first met , we 'd talk for hours upon hours about silly little things , but now it 's not the same and I hate it . I don 't want to forget . For those who don 't know what kind of person I am . . . I 'm the person that tends to leave things unsaid because i let others talk more , or because they 're too hard to say . I 'm the guy that stands in the corner , and being there is enough for people to know how much I care . I returned to work , an almost full work week , on the Monday ( just 2 very short days after the funeral ) . It seemed like everything was going well , I was even getting along with people I didn 't like because ( and their exact words were ) " You 've got balls to be able to do what you have done " . I spoke to my bosses and told them that even though it still hurts , I am better at keeping busy and not letting the emotion of it overwhelm me . On Friday morning at about 8 am , not enough sleep and too much thought finally broke me down . I was snapping at staff everywhere for little things that didn 't really matter ( eg the arrangement of the bakery products in the display ) . I went back to them after distracting myself from my anger for about 15 minutes and told them that it wasn 't what they were or weren 't doing , it was that I rushed myself back to work thinking that it would help me . They were understanding and said that they actually expected it sooner once they found I had returned to work on Monday . I set about just focusing on anything i could get done and just wished that 2 pm could come and i could sit in the car for a few minutes to gain myself properly before coming back to the place we now call home ( Tenielle 's parents place ) . The hardest thing for me in regards to Ianto , has been placing the lid on his coffin , that tiny coffin that looked like it could have been part of a coffin styled Tupperware set , and seeing my sister after she flew down from Brisbane to be here for us on behalf of herself , mum and Bob . Dani had been trying for ages to have children , but nothing , the sight of her face lighting up when we told her she would be an Auntie was the best . When she walked into the funeral place and gave me a hug while I was welcoming everyone in , we both broke down and cried into each others shoulders ! We 've since had help both emotionally and financially from family members and even the government , but . . . the hurt is always there . Even just earlier , when i was reading over what Tenielle had written here for the first time , i cried . Typing this I 've teared up several times , but that 's good . . . To me that means there 's a bit more of me still longing to get those emotions out into the world . Today was meant to be my baby shower , and our housewarming . Instead , Scott and I slept in at my parents ' place , and went window - shopping for another little something to put on Ianto 's grave . It 's really hitting home that all these little things we planned aren 't happening . Ianto 's death ( that terrible D - word ! ) has affected so much - even that we 're not moving into where we were meant to . I guess I should tell that story . . . I 'll cut it down though , it 's quite long . We were living in a " granny flat " out the back of another family 's house . It was a dump - no insulation , a joint lounge / dining / kitchen area , and worst of all - we had to keep the dog inside . So , she grew up doing her business on the floor in her area and it being cleaned up by us - well , Scott cleaned it up , I 'll admit that I was lazy ( and squeamish ) and never really helped do that job . The family weren 't that great as people , but we mainly stayed out of their way . They did a lot of things as landlords that we knew were immoral , but we 've since found out were illegal - rent rises with no notice , etc . . . Anyway , we were supposed to be moving into the larger house on the 27th of February . The week before that , however , the landlady told us that they needed " one more week " and then we would be allowed in . These dates should be familiar to anyone who 's read all my posts so far . . . In preparation for the move , we put Angel ( the dog ) outside to start teaching her where she should " go " . Scott , having stayed with me on the Friday night that we found out Ianto 's heart wasn 't beating , went home on Saturday ( the 27th ) to grab a few things we thought we may need in hospital . He also cleaned up after Angel because neither of us had been home since Friday morning and she had " gone " on the concrete . He was accosted by the landlady 's husband as he left - the husband wanted Scott to clean up after Angel . Scott explained that he had done , and the husband just kept repeating himself - " clean up after the dog , she poos everywhere , you need to put her inside again " - and being stubborn about not letting Scott leave . Eventually Scott snapped and told the husband that we 'd just lost our baby and all he wanted to do in that moment was be back with me . At which point the idiot just repeated again that Scott needed to clean up after Angel , and if he didn 't move her , he 'd let her out of the gate to be lost . He didn 't give a s * * t what was going on in our personal lives . Scott stormed back in , put Angel in the back shed with some water and food , and left for the hospital . A few days later , after all was done and we were home , we talked about it and decided that there was no way we were moving into that house and giving them our money if they would continue being a - holes about it . We wanted our bond money back . So Scott went and told them this , copping a huge amount of abuse . Ohhh , something else , I was meant to be shaving my head for charity at the party today in the World 's Greatest Shave - but I was counting on more donations and I 've only raised $ 30 out of my goal of $ 2000 . So I think I might leave it for now , and explain to the organisers what happened . I 'm happy with the $ 30 still going to the Leukaemia Foundation , and I never got any cash donations so there 's nothing I have to return to people . . . But I feel horrible for not doing what I promised . . . I keep having horrible thoughts , a lot of " what ifs " running through my mind about Ianto 's death . I 'll get some of them out here . They pretty much all run into each other . I guess I read too many " miracle stories " about babies being brought back to life , or not being dead when they were assumed to be . . . It 's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you , and I just want you to know just how proud I am of you . How much I love you . How perfect you are . You have your dad 's face , you know that ? You should know , I told you a million times , I 'm sure . But my nose . You were always going to have my nose - there 's no way you were getting out of it . It 's a good nose . Your perfect little arms and legs , all long and gangly , they 're your dad 's . Your feet , your hands . . . Perfect . I cherish every moment of my pregnancy , every little kick I felt . Even the times you would scare me by not kicking for a while , then trying to karate - chop your way out of me when I got too worried . I even cherish the heartburn you were responsible for ! You 're so loved , little one . I spent the whole two days we were in hospital after you were born stroking your little face , amazed by your soft skin . Your dad had a lot of cuddles when I could bring myself to give you up . I 'm not sure I 'll ever understand why your heart stopped beating while you were inside of me . Even if all the tests they did on the two of us show a medical reason , I 'll never know why I was fated to be the mummy of a stillborn child . I 'll never know why I had to plan a funeral for my baby when I was meant to still be pregnant . I 'm happy I was able to give you life inside me , that you seem to have died happy . At 32 weeks , you would have discovered dreams recently . I hope they were nice , baby boy . Did you dream about me like I did you ? Could you hear me planning for your birth ? Are you as proud of me as I am of you ? I 'm glad we were allowed that time with you - I never knew that I would be allowed to keep you in the room with me after you were born . I 'm glad we got a lot of photos of you . Do you know that the photographer that came and took your photo is putting some up for selection in an exhibition especially for pictures of sick or stillborn children ? Your dad and I are so incredibly proud of that fact - even someone who sees a lot of children all the time knows how beautiful you are ! I can still see your little face when I close my eyes . I hope those images never fade away . I hope I never forget the feeling of your sweet soft skin under my fingertips . I hope I continue to smell your scent in quiet moments . I know I 'll never forget you . It 's been a week and a half since I gave birth to you , and I 'm sure you know how proud I am of you . How much I love you . How perfect you are , even in death . Today was Ianto 's funeral . It 's hard for me to write what I 'm feeling , because it still feels like I 'm dreaming . Did that just really happen ? Is it true I 'll never see my boy again ? When I woke up , the sun was shining . It was such a beautiful morning ! I can 't go into much detail about the actual funeral , because it 's really not coming to me as easily as the memories of his birth did . . . I have a few little thoughts though . . . The coffin was just so tiny ! Even though I knew it would be small , for some reason my head had conjured up a child - size coffin - so seeing it so - well , tiny - really hit me hard . It seemed so cramped in there for him . . . After the funeral , we went to the cemetery to bury our little boy . We were supposed to be doing a balloon release , but there was a mix - up with who was organising them so it didn 't happen . That 's okay , I think we 'll do it for his due date . I couldn 't stop staring at the coffin . I don 't think I stopped looking at it until I had to walk away . Scott and I went back to mum & dad 's place while a lot of other people went to the wake at uncle W and auntie M 's place . We had about an hour alone together , collecting our thoughts and just talking about what had just happened . . . Neither of us had tears left to cry though , so it was more exhaustion than anything else . When we went to the wake , we spent a while inside because we couldn 't face being near people again all at once - we just said hi to everyone that came inside . Then the food was ready and we had no choice ( haha ) so we went and filled our plates . A lot of people didn 't realise we were even coming at all , so that was okay . Just after I sat down and started eating , the heavens opened up and it started bucketing down ( after such a beautiful morning ! ) so everyone moved inside . After that we hardly saw anyone because the smokers ( the majority ) went into the garage and my desire to breathe was stronger than my desire to be near people . Finally , we left , taking my brother Brent with us . As we were walking out , I turned to say something to Scott , and my breath was taken away - in the sky , as clear and bright as anything , was the perfect rainbow . A double rainbow . I 'd never seen one so strongly coloured . I burst into tears , knowing it was Ianto smiling down on me and telling me everything would be alright . It was so beautiful , just like him , and faded much too quickly . Just like him . I know every time I see a rainbow from now on , it 's my perfect little boy smiling at me . I think we may put a rainbow on his headstone when we get around to it . . . Well , tomorrow is the funeral . Final things were finished today - Scott paid the cemetery fees today , we went shopping for something for me to wear , we finalised what Robyn ( the celebrant ) is going to say , and what music is going to be played . . . Too much . We went to see the site where Ianto will be buried , it 's such a beautiful spot . He 'll be the 31st person to be buried in the new children 's section of the cemetery . Already it seems that bit 's almost full - too many children . . . As for me , I don 't know how I haven 't cried yet today . I shut down the other day simply thinking about what 's going to happen tomorrow , but today ? Not a tear . One of the hardest things in the world has to be planning your child 's funeral . Especially with something as unexpected as this . How do I tell people about a life that only he and I shared ? Yes , others watched my belly grow , some felt him kick from the outside , but I felt every kick he made . I nourished him , he only knew me . Didn 't he ? There are so many things involved in planning a funeral . Paperwork to be signed , meetings about his life . . . I got angry at the celebrant because she didn 't ask about his life outside of me . Yes , he wasn 't born alive , but he was born . I held him . Scott held him . He was loved . He was soft , that 's my lasting memory . His soft gentle skin . Every song I listen to now is tainted - every line I try to fit into my life , and if it doesn 't fit , it just irritates . I can 't listen to " happy " music right now , I only feel like listening to songs of loss and despair . I 've found a song to play at Ianto 's funeral - " Smallest Wingless " - it 's absolutely perfect . It 's been so hard to find songs of loss that don 't reference god in some way . What about those of us who have no faith in a deity ? I do believe that there is an afterlife , but god ? No . I believe that Ianto is watching me right now , he 's here with me . At the same time , I feel that he 's in some way still with his body . Why else would leaving him in the hospital have hurt so much ? I half don 't want Saturday to come , because it means I 'll never get to see my son face - to - face again . The other half can 't wait to see him , stroke his tiny little face again . 19th August 2009 - Exactly a month before my wedding , I took a pregnancy test . It had been sitting in my underwear drawer for a few weeks , and to be honest I only did it because I was bored while my husband Scott was at work . I 'd had no symptoms of pregnancy other than the lack of a period , but they 're fairly irregular with me anyway . I was astounded when that little line went pink - I didn 't even have to wait the three minutes suggested on the box ! I walked around the flat for what seemed a lifetime , staring at the stick . I eventually called Scott , and asked if he was sitting down . He was , and I blurted it out - " Uh . . . I 'm pregnant . " He was silent for a few seconds , then choked out " Oh my god . " When he got home a few hours later , we stared at each other a few seconds , then burst into tears simultaneously and hugged each other . I 'd been looking at pregnancy websites all night , and found out our baby was about the shape of a chicken nugget from McDonald 's ( where Scott works ) so for the next week , baby was nicknamed Nugget . 20th August 2009 - Scott was at work again , and I walked to the doctors clinic to get the pregnancy confirmed . It was the same - the doctor was amazed that the test came up positive so quickly . I sent a text message to Scott - " Nugget 's on the way ! " 25th August 2009 - It was a very windy day in Melbourne , and it turned out well that our wedding dance lessons were canceled because of that . I had cramps all down one side that were worrying me . We went to the emergency department at the hospital that would become so familiar . They thought the pregnancy might be ectopic so they scheduled me in for an ultrasound the next day . That turned out well - not ectopic , and again , someone was surprised by how strong our baby was ! The radiologist said it was the earliest he 'd ever been able to pick up a heartbeat . We nicknamed the baby " Smudge " after what he ( or she ) looked like on that ultrasound . 19th September 2009 - Our wedding . The night before , we had told Scott 's sister that we were expecting . The look of complete and utter joy was brilliant . Our baby would have such a doting aunty ! Although she lives in Queensland she stayed in touch my entire pregnancy through facebook , always sending me messages asking how everything was going . . . I 'd still not suffered any morning sickness or anything else commonly associated with early pregnancy . That night we broke the news to Scott 's mum . September 2009 - February 2010 - Everything was going fantastically . I had been into the ER a few times with various niggles , but each time everything was okay . I was just a hypochondriac . Smudge was developing a great little personality in my tummy . We weren 't finding out the sex , so we chose to say " she " to keep from using the word " it . " " She " loved AC / DC , always kicking along with the beat when I would play their music . " She " hated Robbie Williams , to my sadness , because she 'd stay still or kick me in the ribs when he would play . One day , while Scott had his head on my belly listening to her , " she " kicked him hard in the face . There were bad times as well - the ultrasound place that made me angry , the doctor I never want to see again ( but then had to ) . . . Friday 26th February 2010 , 2 : 00pm - I 'd had a very lazy day at my parents ' house . My biggest problems were that someone was tailgating me that morning and that my car still wasn 't back from the mechanic . I slept a few hours , had a massive laugh with my mum and brother , then went to pick Scott up from work . I was so annoyed with him for not coming out straight away , and chose to stay in the car ( in the sweltering heat ) so we wouldn 't miss each other in the carpark . The heat got too much for me , and suddenly Scott was at my window asking me to wake up . I 'd fainted . Eventually he got me into the passenger seat and drove me back to my mum 's place . I fainted again in the car on the way , and was in and out for about an hour . Everytime I 'd come to , I 'd ask if the baby was okay and go out again . They got me back to the car and Scott took me to the hospital . I was checked , and aside from being a bit dizzy still , I was alright . I was sent to a delivery room so they could use the doppler to check Smudge was okay . Our biggest fear was that something was wrong and I 'd have to give birth early . 4 : 30 - They had trouble finding a heartbeat . I wasn 't too worried at that point , I knew she 'd moved recently so her heart probably wasn 't where they thought it might be . After a few minutes , I was starting to worry . Another doctor came in to try . Nothing . So much gel was on my tummy , it was disgusting . Another doctor . This one tried an old ultrasound machine to try to see the position - there was a tiny flicker where they thought the heart should be , but then nothing again . A better machine was brought in . Again - nothing . I had been staring at that screen so hard , I couldn 't look at Scott because that made real what they were saying . I heard the doctor murmur " there 's nothing there " to a midwife - not to me , to the bloody midwife , and I lost it . I choked out Scott 's name , and he reached down to cuddle me . They left us for a few minutes , in which time we were both pretty much not breathing from crying so hard . They came back and gave us a little hope again - they were sending me down to Radiology to make absolutely sure there was no heartbeat . Even if they did find something , I 'd have to be induced because there was obviously something wrong . I was put in the wheelchair and sat for a few minutes near the midwives ' station . In a room near us was another woman in labour . I listened to her new baby 's cries and grinned . I 'm sure the midwives thought I was crazy , given what i was going through myself , but to me that was the best sound in the world . My world had turned black , but that woman 's life was just given a rainbow . 7 : 00 - I was wheeled down to Radiology . I lay on that table , knowing in my heart that nothing would be found but hoping I was wrong . I wasn 't . The radiologist was almost crying herself . She left us , and this time I couldn 't cry - I was out of tears by that point . I was wheeled out again , and she phoned up to Delivery - the poor girl from bed 20 had definitely lost her baby . Scott went outside to call work , and I watched a bit of the Winter Olympics - the ice skating . That poor woman that lost her mum a few days before she won a bronze - how strong she was , smiling through her tears . I cried , my whole body shaking . I was wheeled back up to Delivery , eyes dry again . While I waited in that room for Scott , I cried again . It would become a pattern - since then , it 's been rare for me to cry in front of anyone but him . 9 : 00 - I changed rooms . Bed 19 . This room had a TV . It went on , and we were left again . Doctors and midwives kept coming in and out , telling and asking us various things - did I want to be induced tonight , or wait until the morning when they had the full ultrasound report ( tonight , you stupid woman ! I don 't care if it 's policy , I want this over as soon as it can be ! ) ? Was I willing to hold the baby after he or she was born ( Are you kidding me ? Of course I do ! ) ? Everything got too much for me after a while , so I lay down and napped . They came and talked with Scott , telling him they would induce me but they don 't think they should . They woke me to get my consent , which I gave , and they left again . The TV was on all night . Saturday 27th February 2010 - They put the gel in around midnight , and again at 6am when I hadn 't dilated at all . In the early hours of the morning , I sneakily turned my phone on and updated my facebook status thanking those who had already heard and sent their love . I had a few visitors over the day - my parents and brothers , Scott 's dad ( who I didn 't want to see ) and aunty . . . There was a bunch of flowers from the rest of Scott 's family in Queensland . I napped on and off , watching TV in between , and waited for the gel to start working . They put more in at 1 : 30pm , and this time told me I wasn 't to use the toilet for an hour . I wasn 't even allowed to raise my bed for half an hour . No wonder the first two lots of gel hadn 't worked - I 'd been to the loo within minutes of them being put in ! I was a bit angry at that . I started having mild cramps around 11 : 30pm . They were so bad I gave in and asked for a bit of pain relief - funnily enough , I had a pethedine injection before I let them give me Panadeine and a sleeping tablet . They worked , and I slept for the longest I had since Friday . Sunday 28th February 2010 - 3 : 00am - I woke up , the cramps getting worse . At 4am , I asked for another peth injection . This one knocked me out a little , but didn 't take the pain away . It was coming at 5 - minute intervals and getting worse . They came and checked my dilation ( finally ! ) at 7 : 30 , and I was fully effaced but only 3 - 4cm . I told them to call my mum in . 8 : 30am - The pain was amazing ! I was grunting through what I now knew were contractions , and rolling towards Scott with each . The first time I did it , he thought I was falling off the bed , so he started pushing me back . Big mistake . I grunted at him that I needed to " grab onto you , you idiot ! " and he understood - Do Not Mess With A Labouring Woman . The midwife and anesthesiologist came in ( I 'd consented to a morphine drip and had a cannula in already ) and they started doing their thing . The drip was explained to me , so I pushed that damn button every time I could . It didn 't work straight away so the gas was given to me as well . That worked a treat - I still felt the pain , but it was okay . I think I moved up the bed at some point and handed Scott the gas tube , because with one of my contractions I was yelling at him that this time I wasn 't reaching for him , I was reaching for " THAT ! ! " Between contractions , I told him that I was never having any more kids - I couldn 't do this again ( I was half talking about going through labour , half saying I couldn 't deal with the possibility of losing another child . ) In a moment of clarity , I asked Scott whether he thought I was possibly in transition . " Nah , you wouldn 't be asking if you were " he said . . . WRONG ! 8 : 45am - My mum still wasn 't in the hospital . The midwives gave me the choice - did I want my waters broken now , or when she arrived ? I wanted them done now - this would still take hours , right ? ( Turns out that 's why mum wasn 't there , she thought the same thing and had a shower before she left . ) Another contraction and I was pushing . The waters were visible from the outside so they pushed back on them and waited for the contraction to subside . Mum came in as they cut . There was a tiny squirt of water . Another contraction and urge to push . POP ! One of the midwives almost got hit in the face . Scott told me later that it looked like someone had burst a water balloon between my legs . Another contraction , another push . . . I needed a poo . That contraction felt as though it lasted forever , but I yelled I needed a poo . Everyone around me told me it was okay to go on the bed , which confused me - didn 't they know I was just telling them so they could clean it up when I was done ? 8 : 52am - It wasn 't a poo . Two pushes after my waters were broken , my Smudge had been born . No - one had been expecting him , so he came out onto the bed . They asked one more time - was I sure I wanted to hold the baby ? I got angry and snapped that I did - Smudge was put on my chest and I cuddled " her " while they got the cord sorted . Ohhhh that pain was almost worse than the labour - a short cord , so it was pulling at me . Scott was asked if he wanted to cut it , he did , and relief again . I was still contracting slightly and was annoyed that they were distracting me from the cuddles with my baby , so I agreed to the injection to help get the placenta out . I couldn 't even tell you where they stuck it in , I was just entranced by this little baby in front of me . The placenta came out , and was the most disgusting feeling ever - so slimy ! I was asked pretty much the stupidest question I 've ever been asked - Did I want to know the sex of the baby ? Of course I did . I told Scott to tell me , and after a few seconds of trying to compose himself , he told me Smudge was a boy . Ianto . We 'd agreed on both boy and girl names long ago , so we didn 't even discuss it . I felt something moving on my arm , and I realised the cannula had come out . It would emerge that it hadn 't been put in properly to begin with , so I hadn 't had any morphine at all ! I 'd done it with just gas ( which in my original birth plan had been the most i 'd been willing to have re : pain relief ) I noticed the TV was still on , and quickly told someone to turn it off - there was a Johnson 's baby wash ad on . So not what I needed to see when I was coming to terms with the fact my baby was gone . Gone , but right in front of me - how strange . The rest of that day - It was both the longest and shortest day of my life . I spent all day staring at my little baby boy . My son . My angel . My sweet , soft boy . He has my nose . Everyone said he looked like Scott , but I couldn 't see it until they were together - exactly the same face , only Ianto had my nose . He had a bath , his foot and hand prints were taken . One of the most heartbreaking parts of the first day was the tiny little differences to a live birth - like they didn 't need to hold him to weigh him , they just placed him on the scales and left him there while they took the information down . Unlike pretty much everyone in my immediate family , he had some hair when he was born . We cut some off and put it in the memory book the hospital had given us . We dressed him together . One of the things that really got to Scott was how Ianto 's head was " clicky " - like any baby , his skull hasn 't fused , so the bones were clicking together each time his head moved . Heaps more visitors that day - my family . My dad had come in at the same time as my mum , when he came into the room he just broke down . This huge strong man , just sobbing his guts out . He couldn 't stay more than a minute or two . I told him it was okay , I could understand . I got a few more bunches of flowers . Midwives and nurses from all over the hospital came to speak to me , either for medical reasons or to give me some emotional support . Scott and I kept cuddling our son , only leaving him when my brothers came in ( they couldn 't bring themselves to come into the room and see Ianto ) and when I needed the toilet or a shower . The weekend social worker came in to talk to us . I ended up sleeping with him in my bed that night . I couldn 't bear the thought of leaving him . I still can 't , after I already have . Monday 1st March 2010 - Another long day . Not long after I moved Ianto to his little plastic cot so I could have a shower and change my pad , it all started again - more visitors , more people coming to talk to me and support us . . . I was asked when I wanted to go home . I said as late as possible and the time was set . I was going home at 7 that night . I spent the entire day in tears , aside from here and there watching TV and staring at my boy . I kept stroking his face - his soft skin . I redressed him , making sure his shirt was nice and snug . He had a new hat , a white one that was knitted for a prem baby . It was still too small so I fixed it best I could to get it snug on his head . The whole day was a blur again . I spent a lot of the day taking photos of Ianto , trying to get every last detail - his nose that he got from me , his ears and lips from Scott . His nose had started to leak a little bit of fluid , so I cleaned that up . I kept fussing over him , straightening his clothes , making sure he was comfortable . . . 6 : 30pm - A knock at the door . My heart froze as I thought it was someone coming to take him away before we left . It was just the lady bringing my dinner in - another disgusting meal . I held Ianto as I ate . I don 't think I put him down the whole day . 7 : 05pm - My heart froze again when I looked at the clock and saw it was past the time they said I was leaving . It meant they were coming soon . I started bawling again . They came in , talked to us a while , we got a few more photos , and . . . The hardest part of my life . I had to leave . I kissed him a million more times , took a few deep breaths , and somehow got the strength to leave the room . Leave my baby behind while I went back to my mum and dad 's . I cried the entire way there , and was just dead inside . I couldn 't go in for a while . There was a funny moment though , which I 'm attributing to Ianto 's obvious cheeky side - as I left the hospital , my pants suddenly fell down under my bathrobe . Again , I 'm sure people thought I was mad because I went from hysterical crying to hysterical laughing in two seconds flat . March 2nd , 2010 - Another long day . We went to organise Ianto 's funeral in the morning . I was swinging between completely heartbroken and cracking up laughing at all the funny and strange memories we have of Ianto ( almost all of which are in here . ) My facebook page seems to have exploded - so many messages of love and support . So many people updating their own statuses to feature us and our amazing little boy . . . We 've all been talking about Ianto here at mum 's place , thinking of what kind of person he could have been . The general consensus is that he 'd have been one of those cheeky little boys who could get away with anything ( because he would go a few days without moving in my belly , then kick for a full day so I would forgive him for scaring me ) and he would have been a footballer or a dancer ( because his legs were so long ) . . . He would have been a tall boy ( my cousin 's full - term baby was 44cm , Ianto was 43 ) and he 'd look like his daddy ( well . . . he did ! ) I keep looking at all the photos we have - the last few are the worst , simply because there 's no more left . The one of me putting him in the cot so we could leave . . . I can 't even look at it . |
I had an astrological / intuitive reading yesterday ( based partly on my astrological chart , and partly like what John Edward does on Crossing Over , if you 're familiar with that show ) . She was amazingly accurate . I 'll just hit some of the high points . She said she felt like I was married , but that I 'd had to take on a lot of the responsibility , that she didn 't know if the man I was married to traveled a lot or just wasn 't around a lot for whatever reason . I told her we were separated . She said she felt like I still cared about him , but that she didn 't see me staying married to him . She said she saw things starting to happen with a divorce within the next 30 to 60 days . ! ! ! I 'll be curious to see how that plays out , being as how we haven 't even filed . She said that something may come up about hidden assets , nothing huge , but something like a stash of money hidden under the mattress . She said she sees a lot in images and metaphors , and that the image she kept getting with regard to the man I was married to was that there were still " shadows behind the curtain " , meaning that whatever led to our marital problems was still there , that it hadn 't been resolved or gone away . She also said she kept seeing another woman around him ( there may not be one there now , but that 's a big part of what led to the demise of the marriage ) . She said she got the impression that he was a bit obsessive - compulsive , and that he 'd tend to get hung up on little things and not see the big picture ( true ) . I 'm sure I 'm forgetting things , but it was all spot - on about my marriage and the end thereof . She said she didn 't see me staying in this house indefinitely , that I 'd move sometime , and that it would be a move made out of choice and not out of necessity . She said that it might possibly be related to education in some way , and later in the reading she said that she saw that it might be possible for me to send my son to private school in the next few years , and that maybe there might be a move connected to that ( as there would likely have to be if I Posted by Today has been better . : ) You can see the top of my desk , and I always feel better when things are organized . Let 's see how long I can keep it that way ! Saw my doc this morning . Blood pressure is still up , so she gave me five weeks ' worth of samples of Diovan . ( I 'm becoming a regular little pharmacopoeia ! ) I 'm to go see her before those are gone , to see how I 'm doing . She checked my cholesterol while I was there - just a finger stick , and results in about five minutes . The ratio is OK , the HDL level is good , triglycerides are good , overall level is OK , so it 's nice to know I 'm not going to burst into flame . And now I 'm off - more later ! Today has been an absolute three - ring circus . I don 't have time to write all about it right now , but I am SO ready for Friday . I didn 't get to eat lunch until after 2 : 00 , and my lunch is still sitting on my desk about half - eaten . I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to talk about my blood pressure . Hopefully she can give me some nice pills to help out with that . Gee , I can 't imagine what in my life might make my blood pressure go up , can you ? ! Did I mention I 'm having a reading done on Saturday ? Should be interesting . I will of course write all about it after I 'm done . Gotta dash , much to do and only 1 1 / 2 hours left in the day . And a straw . It 's been one of those days at work where I 'm going home feeling like I 've been beaten with sticks . We had a health fair today , and one of the booths there had these little things called Stressdots . The idea is , you put this dot on the back of your hand , and your stress level can be measured by the color of the dot . I figured mine would just explode and not turn any color at all . It 's hovered between olive green and black most of the day , and that means you 're at the " less relaxed " end of the spectrum . No shit . And the fun promises to continue tomorrow . No time to post , I 'm hoping to make it out of here before anything else blows up on me . More later . All day at work I deal with shit in the figurative sense . Today I got to come home and deal with it in the literal sense . I don 't know if J has a little bug or he just ate something that disagreed with him , but daycare called to let me know he 'd had two flaming poops ( three by the time I got there ) . He came home today with a bag full of clothes in desperate need of a wash , which I tossed in ( shoes and all ) with a lot of Spray ' n Wash Pink ( greatest invention ever ) and some detergent and hoped for the best . ( It all turned out sparkly clean - again , Spray ' n Wash Pink is good stuff , I wish I 'd thought of it . ) He kept telling me he didn 't feel good and that his stomach hurt . Anytime my kid is content to eat applesauce and crackers for supper , it 's a pretty good bet he 's not operating at 100 % . Two more rounds of poop before bedtime , resulting in one change of bed linens and one ( more ) bath , and I 'm fairly tired of the literal shit . J sacked out a little before 9 : 30 . I just hope he sleeps all night without any more go - rounds with poop - I 'm just not up to changing a sheet at 3 AM . And I want him to feel better - it hurts my heart to see him feeling poorly , and I could tell tonight that he wasn 't his usual exuberant self . I 'd see flashes of that exuberance occasionally , but he wasn 't operating at his usual high speed . I hope he gets a good night 's sleep , poop - free , because the rest will probably go a long way toward helping him feel better . Today has been a really hard day . Nothing specifically bad happened , I just woke up with a bad attitude . Horrible , in fact . I didn 't care about anything on my desk , and that 's not good . But there 's no soul satisfaction in my job , and the moments when I feel like I do anything that 's appreciated are few and far between . I 'd say that for me , it 's almost the opposite of soul satisfaction , it 's soul - destroying . I 'm not sure how much of it is work , how much is stress in general , whether the Wellbutrin isn 't working as well as it used to , some kind of hormonal swing from having that time oPosted by That 's how I feel today . I 'm mentally and emotionally not in the mood to be at work . Not really sure why , if it 's post - party letdown after J 's big weekend , or what , but I 'm really struggling to focus today , struggling to give a damn . I 'd like nothing more than to be home in my bed , asleep , right now . But the weekend was fun . Grandparents came , J got more toys than we have room for , and he was thoroughly oversugared and overstimulated . And thankfully , wiped out - he was asleep by 8 : 30 both Saturday and Sunday nights ! And Sunday morning , he woke up asking for milk at 6 : 20 and WENT BACK TO BED for another hour . That has * never * happened , so I know he was tired . This morning he woke up at 5 : 45 , but at least he went to bed at a decent hour and slept all night . The party was great . If anyone has a Little Gym close to them , and has a young child , I 'd highly recommend having a party there . They were great - they set everything up , cleaned everything up , kept up with who gave what gift ( so we can do thank you notes ) , and it just went so very well . Worth every penny ! And now I 'm back at work . I 'm not sure why I 'm in such a funk . Everything and nothing , I guess . I 'm thinking more and more about not trying to meet new people right now . That 's a real energy drain - it 's a lot of work , getting to know someone and being concerned with putting your best foot forward and all that , and I 'm not sure I have the energy to spare right now . I 'm not 100 % sure of this , but I 'm getting closer to really deciding to do that . I 'll write more later - I really must force myself to work . Just a quick note - it 's been crazy at work , and I 'm not sure how much time I 'll have to write this weekend , given the upcoming family visit and J 's party and all . Today has been a zoo . One of my accounts has just burst into flame , and it 's going to be a mess to take care of . But we 'll muddle through , I reckon . J still isn 't sleeping worth anything . I 'm sure he 'll be far too excited to sleep much this weekend . Maybe next week I 'll get a good night 's sleep ? K 's parents are coming tomorrow . Should be interesting , given that his mom originally asked K , when he told them what was happening , if he had to get an apartment , couldn 't he just get a hotel for a week or two . * SIGH * I love his parents , and I 'm really sorry if this hurts him , and I don 't want them to get their hopes up that K and I will patch things up and go back to the " perfect " marriage everyone thought we had . K and I are friends , always will be , and it 's likely that we 'll continue to spend time together and do things on occasion . And he 's a good dad to J and loves his son dearly , and I love him for those things . But do I feel the love for him that 's needed to sustain a marriage ? No . That shriveled up and died a long time ago . So I 'd hate to see his parents hurt more by continuing to hope for a reconciliation , and be that much more disappointed when it didn 't happen . But I love them , they 're family and always will be , and hopefully they 'll be so glad to see J and spoil him rotten that the weekend won 't degenerate into conversations about the whys and wherefores of K and I 's marital issues . OK , gotta wind things up before I get out of here - I 'll write more when I have time . As I was walking back from my training class today , I went through the underground tunnels that connect parts of downtown Dallas . The particular tunnel I was walking through was deserted at the time , except for me . It was so quiet . I wanted to just sit there for a while and be silent and still . And it dawned on me - I 'm never anywhere quiet , not really . At work , I 'm surrounded by the hum of other people on the phone , copiers and printers whirring , people walking by my cube and talking , telephones ringing . It really is quite noisy , and makes me tired . At home J is fairly noisy when he 's awake , but it 's usually good noise ( unless he 's having a fit ) . Still noise , though . And when he 's asleep , I 'm surrounded by house noise - the dishwasher running , the washing machine humming , every once in a while the TV or stereo going . I 've been reading a book called The Dance of the Dissident Daughter - very interesting reading , it 's about a woman 's spiritual journey from the conservative Christian tradition she grew up in ( Southern Baptist , like me ) to a reconnection with the sacred feminine . I see a lot of myself and my mother in the book , but reading it has been making me feel like I somehow fall short , because I don 't feel a pull from the Divine , right now I don 't really feel much of a connection with anything like that . And today I realized - how can I ever hear a still , small voice when I 'm never still and never quiet ? I 'm really thinking that my time to myself should really be primarily for * myself * , and not for building up any kind of active social life at this point . I need the quiet , if only to recharge from the stress of dealing with people , people , people all week long . And perhaps in the process , I can find my soul again . I think it 's hiding right now . My July horoscope said this : Mars will leave Aries on July 28 , and from then on , you won 't be able to socialize nearly as much as you will be now . In fact , it appears that you go into an opposite situation , a seven month self - imposed period of hibernation . I thought that was interesting , as I 'd been thinking about taking a break from meeting people for a while . I 'm thinking I need time to myself more than I need a real active social life at this point . I have plenty of things at home that could use my attention . So I 'd been contemplating taking down any profiles I have on meet - and - greet sites , and just going out with my girlfriends when I feel the need to get out of the house . I haven 't completely decided about this , but that 's the direction I 'm leaning . I was supposed to have a reading done on Saturday , but the woman who was supposed to do it got sick . She called Friday night and asked if we could reschedule , and I said that would be fine . So I 'm not sure yet when it will be rescheduled for . Hopefully it won 't have to be put off too much ! I 'll write more later - I 've got training at 10 , if I can get off this phone call . The weekend was all right . A friend of mine hosted a Pampered Chef party on Saturday ( I 'm a PC consultant ) , and it went well . We only had three other people there , but it was fun . Hey , cooking , talking about cooking , and getting to eat , what 's not to like ? : ) I did go to Little Gym on Saturday with J and K . I know it was K 's weekend , but J was so glad to see me , I was really glad I went . : ) How can you not be happy when your child sees you and comes running , hollering , " mommy , mommy , mommy , mommy " and bouncing up and down ? I 'm not going to go every weekend - after all , it 's not really completely " my " free weekend if I 'm always going to Little Gym on Saturdays . But I don 't mind going occasionally . K 's parents will be here this weekend for J 's birthday and party . Should be interesting . They didn 't take the news of the separation too well , and I hate that this is so hard for them . But it 's like I told K - he and I have had two years to get used to the idea and to talk through it , where his parents haven 't . Hopefully once they really realize that we 're all doing OK , they won 't be so distressed about it . Not that I think they 'd ever be OK with the idea , but I hope they can come to see that we can still get along , that J will be fine , that they 'll still get to see J , that I 'm OK , that K is OK , and that while this may not be the path anyone thought we 'd take when K and I got married almost 11 years ago , it 's not the end of the world . And speaking of J 's birthday - wow , I can 't believe my baby boy will be THREE ! ! ! ! Seems like just yesterday he was this little bitty baby who didn 't do much more than eat and sleep and poop , and who could rest his feet on my arm and fit his head under my chin . And now he 's this huge , independent , stubborn , headstrong , intelligent , talkative , busy little boy who 's very much his own person , who throws everything that comes to hand , who doesn 't always mind his mama , and who makes my world light up when he calls me " mama " ( or " mommy " , whichever he 's using at the moment ! ) . Who knew I could love somPosted by My Bloginality is ISTJ ! ! ! As an ISTJ , you are Introverted , Sensing , Thinking , and Judging . This makes your primary focus on Introverted Sensing with Extraverted Thinking . This is defined as a SJ personality , which is part of Carl Jung 's Guardian ( Security Seeking ) type , and more specifically the Inspectors or Duty Fulfiller . As a weblogger , you may well have a dependable form of posting . You may be more likely to be judgemental toward others who aren 't as dependable . You may get taken advantage of in group situations because you are known as not being able to say no . Because of your respect for facts and information , you may need multiple blogs to keep all of the information sorted in your head . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Yep , that pretty much describes me to a T . This is a special kind of stupid , and just goes to show that some people shouldn 't be allowed to reproduce . Here 's the text : A Dewey woman is being held on $ 30 , 000 bond after her arrest for allegedly giving birth while intoxicated . Melissa Irene Tanner , 37 , faces charges of child neglect . Reportedly , Tanner gave birth to a baby girl on June 30 who was born with a blood alcohol content close to three times the legal limit set by the Department of Pubic Safety . Reports indicate the baby was not breathing upon birth and had to be administered " Narcan " to counteract any narcotics that may have been present in the baby . After an emergency procedure by hospital staff , the child started breathing , reports indicate . Tanner reportedly has six other children . According to a July 11 probable cause affidavit filed in the case , Washington County Sheriff 's Office deputies were alerted on June 30 at 11 : 35 p . m . that a woman who was possibly intoxicated had given birth at Jane Phillips Medical Center . Upon arrival , deputies were informed that Tanner had arrived via ambulance after a reported fall from a porch , according to the affidavit . Her baby was later delivered at approximately 10 : 05 p . m . The infant reportedly weighed 6 pounds and 2 ounces . Attending physicians reportedly told deputies that Tanner told them she had been drinking and that she and another individual consumed a case of beer . The affidavit states that Tanner also told hospital staff that she did not know that she was pregnant . According to the affidavit , deputies reported that upon entering Tanner 's hospital room , " a strong odor of an intoxicating beverage was immediately present upon entering the room . " They further reported that when speaking to Tanner , " her speech was slurred or thick , ( and ) her eyes appeared slightly red . " Tanner reportedly told police that she considers herself to be an alcoholic and that she did not consider herself to be drunk at that time . According to the affidavit , she said she was drinking because she was stressed and had been having problemsPosted by This entire week has been nasty sleep . I already wrote about Monday night / Tuesday morning . Tuesday night / Wednesday morning J was up three times during the night . Not for very long any of the three times , but my sleep was interrupted and that 's enough to make me tired . Wednesday night / Thursday morning he woke up at 2 AM with this horrid choking , wheezing cough , saying it was hard to breathe . So we had a breathing treatment at 2 AM , which helped a bit ( enough that I didn 't rush to the ER but waited to see his pediatrician yesterday ) , and J said he felt better , but it was 3 : 30 by the time I got him back to sleep . And last night - I was really hoping for good bedtime . J was rubbing his eyes and yawning by 4 : 00 , and asking for his pajamas by about 7 : 00 . We were in bed reading books at 7 : 30 . Just as he was winding down and we were about to finish our last book , a horrific storm blew through . We heard the thunder and lightning and wind , and then this tat - a - tat - a - tat sound ( hail , and lots of it ) . Of course J wanted to go see what was making that noise , so we had to go look at the hail and look at the ferocious winds ( my windchimes are literally in knots , that 's how hard it was blowing ) . It was constant thunder and lightning , and pouring rain , and wind blowing so hard that it made a whining sound coming through the back door ( kind of like the sound it makes if you put tissue paper over a comb and blow through the paper ) . J wasn 't scared , no , far from it . He was bouncing up and down and having a fine old time , and getting completely wound up again . Thanks a lot , Mother Nature . So we went through the winding - down process again . Around 9 : 30 I let J get out of bed so I could put some Vaporub on his chest to help him breathe , and I noticed yellow flashing lights outside . Hmm , the lights are still on , so it 's not the electric company , wonder who it is ? I went to check , and of course J followed me . A tree at the end of my driveway had blown down onto my driveway and the road , and a crew from the county was out there chopping it Posted by I forgot to write about my spider friend - one seems to have adopted us . I first saw it on the floor in J 's bathroom . It was close to the door , and when I went in to get whatever I was after , it backed away , like it saw me , then came forward again , like it wanted to get closer to check me out . Then one night I saw what looked to be the same spider on the wall above the toilet in J 's bathroom . It 's a fairly small spider , about the same diameter as a quarter , but it looks almost furry - not one of those skinny - legged spiders . It 's black , with a white spot on its abdomen ( I didn 't freak out too much , because I think black widows have red spots , not white ) . I saw it on the wall , and because I 'm not a big fan of bugs , it ooged me a little , so I kept an eye on it . ( J was in the bathtub at the time , and I wasn 't going to take my attention off of him to do anything with the spider . ) It crawled up to the underside of the cabinet above the toilet , then crawled up the side and eventually over the top . It would periodically stop , and look almost like it was looking at us . Then when it got to the top of the cabinet , it would disappear and reappear on the edge , almost like it was looking down at us . But it went up on top of the cabinet , and I figured that was that . The next night , I saw the spider on the floor next to the toilet , looking pretty poorly - I thought it was dead at first . Then I saw it trying to climb up the side of the bathtub , but it didn 't get far . It fell back down onto the floor and twitched occasionally , and the last time I checked on it before J and I got out of the bathroom , it looked curled up . I figured that was that . The next night , I saw the spider on the bathtub . It was time for J 's bath , he was in there with me , and I didn 't want that spider right there for his bath , so I brushed the spider off into the empty trashcan . I kept glancing at the trashcan , expecting the spider to crawl up out of it , but it never did , and I figured that was that . The next night , the spider was on the edge of the trashcan when iPosted by Last night wasn 't quite as bad as Monday night . But it still took J an hour and a half to settle down and go to sleep , and he was up three times last night - 12 - something , 3 - something and 5 : 30 . * SIGH * ( And if the boy doesn 't just pass out after being up half the night the night before , I don 't know what it takes ! ) So I got a fair amount of sleep , but it came in chunks of about 2 1 / 2 hours each . Still not a * good * night 's sleep . Is it terrible that I find myself thinking , " Only two more nights , and then he goes to his dad 's for two days " ? LOL Not that I wish this kind of night on K - no , I 'd rather J get past this stretch of bad sleep and go back to sleeping most all night , most every night . Then we 'll all be better rested and a lot happier ! On the sleep front , I had a friend ask me what would happen if J just couldn 't get out of his room when he woke up ( i . e . , a baby gate or a closed door ) . If part of his poor sleep is anxiety over K moving out , the last thing I 'd want to do is make him feel like he didn 't have access to mama . So it seems to me that efforts to keep him in his room would just make his anxiety worse . And I know from experience trying crying it out when he was younger that J doesn 't give up and settle down , he just yells louder . So I 'm thinking that 's not a good option . He 's gone through spells of poor sleep in the past - he 'd have wakeful periods like this when he was younger , no telling what triggered them , nothing I could figure out to get past them , just suck up and wait for the phase to pass . He 's never been what I would call a " good " sleeper , he 's always been asleep late and up early ( he woke up once at 2 : 45 AM , ready to go for the day - this was when he still took naps , and he did nap , but not any longer than usual , and no , he didn 't go to bed any earlier that night ! ) , he 's always had spells of poor sleep , and except for a stretch when he was about 6 - 9 months old when we 'd lay him down and he 'd go right to sleep on his own , bedtime has never been easy . So this latest phase could be anxiety , coPosted by With the liberal application of caffeine and chocolate , I 've managed to stay mostly awake most of the day . Only 10 minutes until quittin ' time . . . . I hope this is one of those nights J is so tired that he 's falling asleep in his dinner . I would be VERY thankful . And I 'm also thankful that dinner should be done when I get home - at this point , I don 't even care if it tastes good or not , as long as it 's food and it 's already fixed . LOLMore later , but probably not tonight ! but I think that God 's got a sick sense of humor . Why else would my child have been awake from 1 : 45 to 4 : 30 AM ? ! ? ! I feel like the butt of a big cosmic joke sometimes , and this is one of those times . Last night , bedtime was great . Tonight , I 've paid for it dearly . It 's enough to almost make me wish I never got those serendipitous nights of easy bedtimes . The price I always seem to pay the next night is just too high . He woke up wet , but I didn 't realize it until he 'd wandered into the living room and started picking up toys . So we changed . Back in bed . Then began the litany - want milk , wanna rock , there 's a monster in my blankie ( this is a new one , we had to send the monster outside ) , and just NOT SLEEPING . I don 't know why he couldn 't sleep . He was yawning like a little Pez - head . We rocked , we had milk , I tucked him in , rubbed his back . And the really cruel thing ? He 'd settle down for five or ten minutes , just enough to where I 'd think he might be going on to sleep . Then I 'd hear the sound of little feet coming down the hall . At 4 : 00 he got out of bed and was so tired he didn 't even make sense when he talked . I rocked him for about 20 minutes and then put him back in bed . He mumbled something nonsensical and rolled over and FINALLY slept . But now there 's just no point in me going to sleep . The alarm goes off at 5 : 15 , and if I 'd gone to sleep at 4 : 30 , I 'd have overslept ( I 'm sorry , 45 minutes ' sleep doesn 't even qualify as a good nap in my book ) . So I 'm awake . This means I 'll be functioning on about two hours ' sleep today . I was up until about 12 , fixing things for the crockpot and doing a little bit around the house . I have a training class from 10 to 12 today - anyone want to bet on how long I 'll be there before I fall asleep ? It 's definitely a coffee day , and even with that , it 's still going to suck ass . I just hope J is so tired tonight that we don 't have a repeat performance . Last night was a treat . Tonight was a trial . J was asking to put his jammies on around 7 : 30 , so we finished up dinner and got ready for bed pretty quick . He was already rubbing his eyes , so I had hopes of a fairly early bedtime tonight . We got in bed and read some books . And read , and read . Then I told him it was time to turn out the light . And the parade of reasons to be out of bed started . " Mama , I want milk - I come with you to get it . " " Mama , I need to change - my pants are wet . " " Mama , I wanna rock . " ( Got that one about five times . ) " Mama , I want to lay on the floor . " I stayed with him and rubbed his back - no sleep . I rocked and sang - no sleep . By the last time he got out of bed before he gave it up at 9 : 45 , he was so tired he could barely stand up - he nearly fell down getting off his little stepstool . Yet some impulse pushed him to keep trying to stay awake . I don 't understand that . So here I 've been worrying for a while that maybe I was doing J a disservice by not trying harder to move the evening schedule up and get him into bed earlier ( some nights it may be 8 : 30 before I actually get him * in * bed , with the commute and dinner and bath and any errands I might have to run on the way home ) . And now it turns out that getting in the bed earlier doesn 't mean earlier bedtime , it just means * longer * bedtime . Tonight it took over two hours instead of the usual one . * SIGH * On the bright side , at least we got lots of time to read . But I just don 't get the not sleeping . He 'll tell me he 's tired . Yet something makes him keep going . In other news : I 'm now trying to motivate myself to go to the kitchen and get things ready to toss into the crockpot tomorrow morning . I 've got a really bad case of the " I don 't wanna 's " , and I keep telling myself that a little work tonight will make for a much easier evening tomorrow . So far , I 'm not listening to myself . LOLOh well , I guess if I 'm going to cut up veggies , I 'd better go do it . More later . J passed out at 8 : 00 . This is almost unheard of . We were reading , and as I was reading to him , he crawled out of my lap and lay down on the other part of the bed . After a brief moment of fussy wakefulness in which he asked first for TV , then for milk , I left to get the milk and he was snoring when I came back . This is a gift . I 'm not stupid , I 'm getting off of here , having a hot bath and going to SLEEP ! ! ! : - ) Because I 'm too tired to think of one . It 's been a rather tiring couple of days . Yesterday was just the usual workday . Today J actually slept until about 7 : 45 ( at least I guess he was sleeping , he wasn 't making enough noise to wake me up before then ) , and didn 't get out of bed until almost 8 : 00 . So I got a little more sleep than usual , which is always nice . Then we went to Little Gym . Seems like the routine is becoming , get dressed , leave the house all excited about it , get close and realize we 're right by Target , throw a screaming fit to go to Target , go to Little Gym anyway , and run until we 're worn out . ( Seriously , that 's how J spends most of class - just running back and forth across the gym , occasionally stopping to climb on something and jump off ! ) But we had a good time . I had no idea it was going to be so much exercise for me , too ! I was proud of him - he 's been sticking real close to me ( or to K , when he 's been there ) , and today he actually took off on his own and ran around for a little bit . Not the whole time , but he 's getting a little more willing to venture away from mama , which is good . : ) After that we went to Target , since I needed to pick up a few things and J does love it so . We very nearly left with nothing . He picked out one toy and we walked away from the toy section to finish shopping . Then he started whining that he wanted a train ( after we 'd already seen and passed up the trains - not like he hadn 't had opportunity to pick one out ) . I told him no , we 'd gotten a tractor , we were going to pay for that and for our things and go home . Let the screaming begin - he was probably howling loud enough to be heard in the next county . So I took him out of the cart , screaming and thrashing , left the cart there with my stuff in it , and carried him outside . It 's a real challenge for me to hang on to 40 + pounds of yowling , squirming boy , especially when he doesn 't particularly want to be carried , and I just made it out of the store before I had to put him down . We stood there for a minute , and by now he was Posted by Not much time to write , I 'm swamped at work ( and on a Friday , too - no fair ! ) . Bedtime last night took a long time . Daycare drop - off was brutal this morning . My job makes me certifiably insane . Same shit , different day . I 'll write more later , gotta return a phone call - yippee . My horoscope talked about unexpected financial surprises today . Well , I just found out that I 'm not getting a raise this year . That 's no surprise , I didn 't * expect * to get one . It still sucks , but I 'm not surprised . If that 's all the financial bad news I get today , I can handle it . We 've been watching coverage of the London bombings in the break room . Why are people so nasty ? I don 't understand , and it makes me sad . And seeing things like this makes me wish I worked somewhere other than downtown Dallas . Here 's a picture of the Dallas skyline . See that tallest building ? It 's the tallest in Dallas , I think . It was across the street from my old building , and it 's only a few blocks from the building we 've moved to . Supposedly it was a possible target for 9 / 11 . I don 't know for sure that that 's true , but even the thought of it being considered is scary enough . And K works in the pointy building . If anything were to ever happen in downtown Dallas , we 'd both be here , with J in daycare 30 miles away . Dallas is a big place , and those buildings are a very recognizable part of the skyline . I wish I worked somewhere not so near something that could be a very attractive target for people seeking to do harm . At least I don 't live right in town . Or at least that 's what it feels like today . Bedtime last night was another go - round - J wasn 't fussing , he just wasn 't sleeping . He was up until 10 : 00 - at about 9 : 50 he wanted to rock , and finally sacked out on my shoulder . It was nice to get to rock him to sleep , since that doesn 't happen too often these days , but I 'd have been satisfied with him just going to sleep at a reasonable hour . And now he 's not content to sit in his bed and call for me - oh , no , he gets out of bed and comes to find me . " Mama , where are you ? " * SIGH * Then this morning , he woke up informing me it wasn 't time to go to school . When we got to school , he stood in the middle of the back seat , where I can 't reach him ( I have an SUV , and I 'm short ) , and said , " I don 't wanna go to school . I wanna go home . I wanna go to work with you , mama . " Gotta love the twist of the knife there . And when it came time for me to leave , he was screaming . Nothing starts the day off right like leaving daycare with your son 's cries of " Mamaaaaaaaaa ! " echoing behind you . Some days it 's easier to deal with than others , and today was not one of the easy days . I got in the car and just sobbed . I called K and cried to him . I got off the phone and cried some more . I felt like I could have laid down and cried all day . I feel like I 've been beaten with sticks . And to leave him like that , coming to a job that barely pays enough to make ends meet ( I went to law school for this ? ! ) , that I 'm not passionate about , that most days I don 't much like ( but I need the paycheck , boy , do I ) - it 's not even like I can give J an example of mama going to work and being happy about it and feeling like she 's making a difference . I leave him for this , and it sucks . In some ways , I think the women 's lib movement has made things worse for women , not better . ( I realize that in my current situation , I 'd have to work no matter what , and I 'm fortunate to have a degree that I can use to support myself and to already be accustomed to working - it 's not like I 've been financially dependent on K all thesPosted by I could use some more , myself . After being up half the night , J woke up at 5 : 07 this morning needing dry underpants . He observed , " it 's dark outside , it 's time to go back to sleep , " and I said yes , it was time to go back to sleep . Did he ? No . He was awake until 6 : 15 . I toyed with the idea of just getting him up at 5 - something and letting him rip , but I had hoped he 'd settle in fairly short order , and it 's so much easier for me to get showered and dressed if he 's still snoozing . If he 's awake , I worry about what he 's getting into . So I certainly didn 't oversleep this morning , but it 's not like I got to get ready any earlier , with J still rustling around and occasionally asking where I was . After that , I figured it would be a battle royal to get him out of bed when it was time to get up . But no - the little booger popped out of bed at 6 : 40 and came to find me , exclaiming , " Mama , I had a nice nap , now it 's time to get up ! " UGH . I had a peppermint mocha with extra espresso this morning and who knows how many glasses of iced tea at lunch , and I may * still * need more caffeine to get through the day . I have no idea what 's up with his sleep issues all of a sudden , but I sure hope this trend is short - lived . I can 't do the bedtime battle until 10 : 00 or later every night , and if he now starts not sleeping through the night ( he 's been so very good about that for a nice little stretch - even if bedtime was late and wake - up was early , usually he 's been good for the night once he finally sleeps ) , I may just pull my hair out . And I told his teacher at daycare this morning about his nocturnal antics . I told her he 'd probably sleep for three hours if she 'd let him ( given that he was looking like he could have gone to sleep on the 10 - minute ride to daycare this morning ) , but asked her PLEASE not to do that , to wake him up ! ! ! So maybe he 'll be tired enough tonight that bedtime won 't be a fight . If Benadryl knocked him out , I tell you , I 'd have given him some last night . On a completely different note , I did have a lovely lunch today . Posted by Tonight has been frustrating in the extreme . I put J to bed around 8 : 30 - 8 : 45 . 10 : 00 rolled around , 10 : 15 , and he was STILL awake . So tired he could barely function , but still awake . I 'm not sure why he was fighting sleep so hard tonight , but I was about ready to tear my hair out . I don 't think the Wellbutrin made a bit of difference , I 'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof and I know I felt like my head was about to pop off . He wanted to change underpants , wanted tea , wanted milk , wanted to rock , and then we started back with " the fan no like me " ( we 'd had this discussion previously , about the ceiling fan being part of the house , and he 'd decided it was OK - tonight he didn 't like it , or it didn 't like him , one or the other ) . AARGH . And then he kept saying , " mama , you not go bye - bye " , and I kept telling him no , I 'd be right here in the house with him . I don 't know what prompted this tonight . It was just unbelievably vexing , and then I felt bad for being so frustrated . Will my child ever go to sleep in less than an hour ? Are we going back to daycare drop - off being hell every day ? ( He told me tonight , " We 're not going back to school , " and I told him no , not tonight , but we 'll go in the morning . I worry that his statement doesn 't bode well for tomorrow 's drop - off . ) I 'm going to go bang my head into a wall in sheer frustration now . . . . And tomorrow is my interview . I 'm excited and nervous about that at the same time . If the job is offered to me , I just don 't want to see only the improved paycheck and jump at it because of that if it 's not truly a good fit . Granted , I could put up with a lot of crap for the salary they offer , but I don 't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire , so to speak . I should go to sleep now . Tomorrow promises to be a big busy day . I know it 's Tuesday , but damn , it feels like Monday . The poo - poo has been flying fast and furious since I got here this morning . I wish I could have gone along with J 's suggestion - when I went to get him out of bed , he rolled over and said , " It 's not time to go to school . School is closed . Let 's get back in the bed ! " If only I could have gone along with that one . . . ! K has a date this weekend . I 'm glad for him . No , really . I know he wasn 't completely happy in our marriage for a long time - obviously there was some need I wasn 't meeting or maybe just couldn 't meet . So if he 's not happy with me , I want him to go find someone who does make him happy . And if at the moment it 's not Ms . Right but Ms . Right Now , well , then , that 's OK , too . So hopefully he can go out and have a good time . I know it probably seems weird to some of you reading that I 'd say that - you 'd think I might be more upset about my not - quite - ex going out . But really , I 'm not . Two years ago , would I have been upset ? Absolutely . But now ? No . I just want him to be happy and to keep on being a good dad to J . Let 's see , what else is happening in my little corner of the world ? Other than the insanity that is work and the occasional power struggle with my child , not much . I 'm just trying to make it through the day . More later , it 's back to the grindstone . My neighbors are at it again with the fireworks . Tonight it just sounds like they 're taking the big strings of Black Cats and setting them off . I don 't mind it for me , but if it wakes J up and he can 't / won 't go back to sleep , after the round I had getting him to sleep tonight , I 'll go out there and kick whoever 's responsible . J started falling asleep sometime between 6 and 7 , when we were eating dinner . We sit on the sofa and eat with TV trays ( my mother would slap me , I know , but with it being just the two of us , I 'm not standing on ceremony - he knows how to eat at a table like a big boy ) , and at one point he actually lay down on the sofa with a piece of pizza in his hand , took a bite of it , and started falling asleep with pizza in his mouth ! LOL So we had bath and bed a little early . It took him 45 minutes to fall asleep - I turned the light out at 8 : 15 , and even though he was so tired he could barely stand , he didn 't give out until 9 : 00 . At one point I heard him making strange noises - went in to find him halfway over the side of the bed headfirst , trying to grab something off the floor . At another point he wanted dry underpants , and when he lay down in the floor to change , he wanted to * sleep * in the floor . I scooped him up , put him back in bed , and stayed there and rubbed his back until he was snoring . Sweet baby boy , I do love him so . And he just made my day this morning . We were just playing and having breakfast , and he came up to me and said , " Mama , you 're my best friend . " I could have just cried . I know the day will come where he thinks I 'm dumb as a box of burnt sand , and he won 't want to be seen in public with me , much less admit he ever thought I was his best friend . But that meant more to me to hear him say that than all the money in the world . It 's moments like that that really make being a mother worth all the hard work . On the opposite end of the spectrum , we had a little power struggle this evening before dinner . I was in the kitchen fixing dinner . Just as it was ready , I came into the living room Posted by It 's been a big , busy day ! J was back home around 10 : 00 this morning - he wakes up ready to come back to the big house , I think . LOL One of his little classmates had a birthday party this afternoon , at the McDonald 's here in town , so we went to that . J started with his usual new - place - large - crowd routine of " I want to go home . " I convinced him to eat some fries , then stay for ice cream and cake , then stay to see his little buddy open presents , and he did . Every present his friend opened , J looked at it and said , " I like that ! I want that for my birthday ! My birthday 's coming up ! " He 's too much . And as soon as the presents were done and the cake was cleared away , he stood up and said , " Mama , I 'm ready to go home now . " So we came home . He 's getting better about big group settings like that - he still asks to go home , but he doesn 't have howling fits as much over it . I 'm glad . He must have been tired - he was asleep by 9 : 00 tonight , a bit earlier than his usual 9 : 30 - 10 : 00 . Even the noise from the neighbors ' fireworks hasn 't disturbed him . And once he got into bed , I don 't think I heard a peep from him . I wish every night could be this easy , and I hope I don 't pay for the easy bedtime by having him wake up even earlier than usual ( " usual " is about 6 : 30 ) . No big plans for tomorrow , just hanging out here , playing with J , doing laundry , exciting stuff . And I thought I 'd finally share a pic of myself - tried to add it in my profile , but I got an error message saying the URL was longer than the 68 - character limit ( and I 'd like to know , how do I have any control over * that * ? ! ) . So here 's my smiling face : And now I think I 'll take my smiling face and go get some sleep , just in case the two - legged alarm clock goes off earlier than usual . Hope everyone has a very happy and safe 4th of July ! I thought I 'd go ahead and post one of these - it may be a work in progress for a while , as it may take some time to think of 100 things about myself that might actually be of interest . But here goes : 1 . My parents made up the spelling of my middle name . I 've never met anyone else with the same name - names that sound alike , sure , but never the same spelling . 2 . I 'm adopted . 3 . I 've found my birth mother . 4 . Now I know what I 'll look like when I 'm in my 50 's . 5 . I 've also found that I have a sister and brother ( well , half , but I don 't pay much attention to that ) . 6 . My brother was killed in a car accident in 1998 , so I never got to meet him in person . 7 . But I think he 's stopped by my house to visit on several occasions . 8 . I had a horse when I was growing up . 9 . I was a National Merit Scholar ( for what that 's worth ) . 10 . I 'm a voracious reader . 11 . Record for most books read in a weekend : seven . 12 . I 'd love to have a vegetable garden . 13 . I 've played the piano since I was 7 years old . 14 . The piano currently in my house is the one I 've had since I was 7 years old . 15 . I 've worn glasses ( or contacts , for a while ) since I was 4 . 16 . I once cut 10 1 / 2 inches in length off my hair and donated it to Locks of Love . 17 . I will never wear my hair so long again that I would be able to cut 10 1 / 2 inches off of it . 18 . Growing up , I was the only girl I knew that could drive a tractor . 19 . My cooking once got me a marriage proposal . 20 . I 've been reading since I was three years old . 21 . I 'm an unbelievable pack rat ( but I 'm trying to get over that ) . 22 . I 'd like to learn to play the cello . 23 . . . . and the harp . 24 . . . . and the bagpipes . 25 . I have a rather substantial teddy bear collection . 26 . I no longer collect them , and am trying to weed the collection out . 27 . My urge to collect bears disappeared about the time J was born . ( I 'm sure there 's some profound psychological meaning to that . ) 28 . My bed is so tall ( and I 'm so short ) that I have to have a stepstool to get into it . 29 . I 've been deer hunting before . 30 . . . . and actually fired at a deer . 31 . . . Posted by My neighbors apparently can 't read a calendar . They started shooting off fireworks around 6 : 00 tonight , and they 're still going . Sporadically , but still going . I 'm sure tomorrow night and Monday night will just be a joy . Not that I mind fireworks - I like them . I can sit on my back porch and see several fireworks displays around the area without ever leaving my house , and that 's really cool . But when they 're going off in my back yard at 1 AM ( that 's what time they stopped on New Year 's , if I remember correctly ) , well , that 's a bit much . Thankfully , J can sleep through just about anything , so at least he shouldn 't be awake any later than usual . I just want to tell them , though , look at the calendar - can you not wait two more days ? ! How could I forget the wonderful adventure of shopping for a new outfit ? I only went to one store , because I didn 't want to spend my whole free day in the damn mall - I go only when absolutely necessary . So off I went . Found several nice things , some were actually on sale , and I found a gorgeous Ralph Lauren blue silk skirt , sort of a flared shape with buttons up one side . I was willing to shell out $ 119 for it if it fit , and I don 't spend that kind of money on one article of clothing very often . So , trying on said clothes - to quote Marisa Tomei in my favorite movie , My Cousin Vinny , " Oh my God , what a fuckin ' nightmare . " Why is it that clothing manufacturers seem to labor under the mistaken impression that women who are a bit larger than average are just one size from the waist down ? Every skirt I tried on fit fine in the hips , but the waist in all of them was about three or four inches too big . I could almost take them off without unzipping or unbuttoning them . They 're so much too big , I couldn 't even take them up and make them look good . So , no new outfit for me . I bought myself bath goodies and candles instead , in a fit of absolute pique with the women 's clothing industry . Damn the clothing manufacturers . Damn my genetic heritage for giving me these big hips . Just damn . Now what will I wear on Wednesday ? ! The mall and Toys R Us on a Saturday afternoon , what was I thinking ? ! Wars , that 's what it felt like . Went to Toys R Us first - J is going to have a dandy birthday , indeed . I got the big thing from the grandparents , the Thomas train table . He 's going to flip out over that - he hollers for one every time he sees it ( in other places , I 'm not crazy enough to take him into Toys R Us , that would just be ugliness ) . He 's also getting some tracks and trains from his grandparents . I also shopped for presents from mama and daddy - Little People ( which he loves , anything at all Little People ) and My First LeapPad with Wiggles and Thomas books to go in it . Realized as I was leaving that I forgot to buy a playboard to go in the train table ( the table is basically just four legs and an open frame , you need the playboard to have a surface to actually play on ) - I had to order that online when I got home . I picked up J 's party invitations at Little Gym this morning - we 're having his party there . I thought , hmm , prepare for and entertain and clean up after a herd of three - year - olds at my house , or have the party at Little Gym , where all I have to do is show up and bring the boy and cake ? I opted for Plan B . Now that I have the invites , I 've got to figure out who we 're inviting . And I 'm hurting now . I was bringing stuff in out of the car after my shopping excursion , and I set some down right in the washroom as I was coming in , without bringing it all the way in the house . On my next trip in , my foot somehow caught the stuff I 'd left close to the door , and I fell hard on my left knee . I 'm pretty sure swear words were said on my way down . It HURT ! I had to lay there for a minute to make sure nothing was seriously injured , and to figure out if I was hurt enough to call K . I decided I was mostly all right , and when I found I could stand up and walk , I figured I was going to live . I 've put ice on it , but my left knee is really puffy and I 'm going to have a mother of a bruise by tonight . OW . And J got my clumsy gene - poor baby . Not sure Posted by I did end up going to Little Gym with J and K this morning - being as how it was K 's first time going , I didn 't mind . J was throwing a fit wanting to go to Target when I got there to meet them , but once we got inside , he was fine . He ran and jumped and actually participated a bit more in class this week . See , I knew he 'd have fun if he 'd give it a chance . : ) I 'm off to run errands now - I 'm going to Toys R Us to get J 's big present from the grandparents . I 'll probably go ahead and buy his toys from mama and daddy while I 'm there - K and I can go halfsies on them , and he can just pay me back later . And I 'm going to try to find something nice to wear for my lunch interview Wednesday . So , I 'd better get to it , so I can get back in time to have some of the day left for myself ! : ) J is with his dad , and the house is quiet . There are oh , so many projects I could work on , so many things to clean out and throw away and organize , but I just don 't want to do that right now . I think I 'm still getting used to the idea of unfettered time to myself , time where there are * no * demands on me , that I 'm not quite ready to use my free time for anything that seems like work . The house is awfully quiet , though . I know J is fine with his dad , I know they 'll have a good time , and I know I need the break once in a while . But still . . . veeeeery quiet . Would it be really wrong to just eat brownies for supper ? Justice Sandra Day O ' Connor has resigned from the Supreme Court . I 'd figured if anyone would step down , it would be Rehnquist . So now George W . gets a shot at an appointment to the high court . This should be interesting . Here 's a link to possible nominations . Whoever is nominated , I expect the confirmation process will be a real dogfight . I 've seen Priscilla Owen mentioned , too , as a possible candidate . If she is nominated , I 'd sure be interested to see how that plays out , being as she 's from Texas and a fellow Baylor grad . Let the games begin . . . . I get to leave work in just over two hours . My brain has already taken off for the day , and I am SO not interested in working . I hope I don 't have to deal with anything more strenuous than remembering to log off the phones when I leave . Wonder how many more things I can add to my " 100 things about me " list in the next two hours ? I totally overslept this morning - woke up at 6 : 42 when I heard J playing in his room . I didn 't hear my alarm at all , I have no conscious memory of turning it off . I 'm thinking I need more sleep ! We got out the door fast enough , I managed to keep the TV off and get J dressed in fairly short order ( although he insisted it wasn 't time for school ! LOL ) . I was glad I 'd packed his things for the weekend with K last night - no way would I have had time to do it this morning . Daycare drop - off was rough again - J was fine up until we got to where he 'd go to watch TV before class , and then he started hanging on to me and asking me to pick him up . He screamed when I left , again . I 'm not crying over it anymore , I 'm just resigned to it . I kiss him and go , that 's all I can do - me staying longer won 't make it any better . What happened to my little boy who 'd run off happily with barely a backward glance ? I miss that . I hope this clingy spell ends soon . I can 't figure out what starts the clinginess up any more than I can figure out what makes it stop . Don 't kids get past separation anxiety at some point ? I was late to work - oops . I had to stop and put gas in the car , and of course I had to fortify myself with a peppermint mocha . Work leaped up and required my attention as soon as I got here , but that 's not necessarily a bad thing . Hopefully the time until we get to leave at 3 : 00 will pass quickly . My July horoscope sounds pretty promising ! Sounds like good things are in store financially and on the career front , and all I have to say is , it 's about damn time . The horoscope makes for interesting reading , especially given the timing of upcoming events on my calendar . We 'll see what develops . More money would certainly be welcome right now - maybe then I could actually start saving instead of spending all the time . I 'm really looking forward to time to myself this weekend . Sure , it would be nice , on " my " weekend , if I had plans to go out - it 's always easier to make plans on the weekends I 'm by myself . But I 'm kind of glad I don 't haPosted by |
I finally got around to it ! Yes , this is the picture of my ' Round Tu - It ' ! ! It has been hanging in the workshop ever since we had to cut a hole for the little round sink in the bathroom of my vintage Venture motor home . Yes , I finally got out on the screen porch this morning , and repotted a couple of my big aloe plants . I measured and some of these have leaves 30 " long , and had so many babies that I had to get an 18 " wide , low profile , pot to house them all . I repotted the first two big aloe in two big pots , and I still had to use three more pots of the middle size to replant some of the older ' pups ' . These are just the ones on the porch , I still have a trough 100 ' long in the back yard , full of Aloe . I should have started selling them a couple of years ago . I had to go into town to get a few things this afternoon , and a violent wind just suddenly came up and was blowing branches and twigs all over the streets . Then it rained hard , and I had to drive slowly to get home safely . Emergency vehicles were clanging and going every which way . I wanted to see if one of the tall pines had dropped on my house or the RVs , but all was well . Just a bunch of pine twigs and needles all over the lawn . So I know what I will be doing tomorrow , raking . So I had my potting day . Posted by Ray and I been doing a little bit some mornings , as it gets too hot to work in the afternoon . So this post is about the last few days . I have been grooming too . Also having a terribly slow time messing with eBay , everybody and his dog , must have been listing ! Ebay Motors was having a sale on listing fees , $ 1 . 00 , but the final value fee will be higher . I guess they have to make it up somewhere . So I re - listed the Class B . ( There were 97 Class B 's listed on there last time I looked ) . Ray got up on the roof and took a picture of the solar panel , so I could have a picture of it in the listing , instead of just talking about it . It is rare that a B is this well equipped , and maybe that will help the bidding go up to my reserve this time . I thought that maybe I could get the vintage HiLo listed during the sale , so Ray and I started to work on it . But I knew that we couldn 't get it ready in time , once we started . We finally got the double sink in , and put the recirculating toilet back in . Note , I even found a toilet seat cover to match at a thrift shop . The final plumbing isn 't done , but we will do that next . We installed the cellular blinds that I had bought for it , new on sale at Lowes . Someone had ordered them , and not picked them up . The colors are exactly the same as the upholstery . Avocado for the rear window , and tannish beige for the front window . They are not the Day / Night type , but they match great . The last picture is with the dinette made into a bed . There is another couch / bed on the side by the back window , in front of the closet . It is only 18 ' and a big kitchen for such a small RV . Even the 40 year old gas / electric fridge works . On Saturday , after Adoption Day , I picked up Minkie . I don 't think that anyone has even put an application for her yet . We are all amazed at that , as she is the sweet , loving , gentle , purring little cat . I couldn 't see her being alone in the grooming room , so let her live in the house with Bobcat and me . She is so good , and even though she wants to go in the grooming room each day , toPosted by Nothing much has been going on for the last couple of days . The rain teases us , but not enough to water the grass . Then the sun comes out and scorches it . The plants on the porch were getting thirsty , so I had to tend to them . At least Minkie isn 't home yet , she likes to eat them ! Yesterday , I taped up the right hand side surround , and gasket , on the left back door window of the Little Van . We took that window out , as it is an opening window , so that Ray could get to it easier to spray it . It has a black rubber gasket around it , and we didn 't want paint getting on that . He painted several places where the primer was showing . Just like little rocks had hit it . If you can 't see what we did , then I guess we did OK . Now I see a pink tinge in the pictures , we didn 't do that , it is the sun going down . I finally had to drive into the next town today . I had been putting it off , hoping that I could pick up Minkie , the kitten that didn 't get adopted , at the same time . But Kenya 's van still isn 't fixed right . The person that rear ended her has Geico Insurance , and they only have certain places where you can get your car fixed . That is all the way down in Houston . First , Kenya went to pick it up , and it would only go more than 20 miles an hour . She took it back , and had to have the gas tank removed , and fuel pump and filter replaced from all the bits that they knocked loose when they were getting her bumper off . Geico wouldn 't pay for that . Then she goes back to Houston to get it , and it sounded like a freight train . All this has messed up the catalytic converter , and Geico won 't pay for that either . The accident also buggered up the power door lock on her back door . Now this is a new van , just 6 months old , and she is having to pay for all this extra stuff that was inadvertantly caused by the accident . That is the way insurance companies work , I guess . Then the dealership is making several hundred dollars more off her . It is all a big rip off ! She is lost without her wheels , but she wants it to run right when she gets it baPosted by The Class B didn 't get bid up to it 's reserve , so it didn 't sell . I had folks contact me wanting my phone # , and I gave it them , so maybe something will come of that . RVs just aren 't selling , right now , unless they are dirt cheap . They sell better before Memorial Day , too . Ray and I worked for a while on getting some more of the old lumber out of the way . There were also some cheap interior doors that weren 't really worth advertising . I checked , and we could burn . I hated to make a burn pile in the ditch , as I have grass growing there , but it had to be done . There was no wind , and my neighbors were at work , so the time was right . I strung several water hoses out there first . Ray got the blower out , and cleaned both pathways , and he made a pile of leaves and pine needles to rake up and take to light the fire . The fire , even though we fed it slowly was hot , and smokey . ( I wonder why ! ! ) By 11 . 00 am we had had enough . I had had enough anyway . I had not felt as chipper and ready to roll , this morning for some reason . My " get and go " , had " got off and went " , somewhere . I was too grubby , and wet , to lie down and take a nap , so I showered and washed the smoke out of my hair , and had a bite of lunch first . I didn 't even get dressed again , I just took a nap in my nightie , hoping that would rejuvenate me . But I didn 't nap long unfortunately , and started to read blogs and fulltimer 's journals . My machine started acting up again , so I finally got out the laptop . I plugged it in so that it wouldn 't be using the battery only . I used it 's tiny mouse , as I can 't work those other things . I hooked it up to the cable modem thingy , but I couldn 't get it to go on the broadband , so I hooked it up to a phone line . I didn 't like the way the keyboard felt , and I never really did get on line with it , and it was terribly slow , so I put it away again . I only know how to type , push a mouse around , and how to keep it cleaned out , and defragged . When the cable goes out , often , I am sorry to say , this desk one automatically switches over to dial - upPosted by I wasn 't even there , but I was reading about the Rally in Branson in the blogs of the attendees , and the main journal of RV - Dreams , and it seemed that it went so fast . Some of the folks that were at the rally were sitting around a table in the big tent with their laptops ' chatting ' online to each other , and with the folks that weren 't there . Hilarious . Now maybe the RV - Dreams chat room can get back to normal . They all had a great time , except Becky who broke her leg right at the beginning , and should be out of the hospital now . Then Jenny 's brother died while she was at the rally , so she had to leave early , and go to TN . She had traveled nearly 2 , 000 miles on a bus to be there , ( cheaper than driving her RV from Spokane ) , what a blow for her . I am thinking of you Jenny and Becky , and my best wishes to you both . Today we attacked the lumber pile . It is on racks along the side fence which is hidden by a line of bushes growing on the other side . It hadn 't been gone through for a while , so it needed sorting out . It is going to be moved around to the other side of the house , for a while , while the white rail fence gets painted . There isn 't too much , just some treated lumber that we use for different projects like mending the fence , carports , making decks and steps . etc . Then if ever we have to store anything on the ground , we can get some treated lumber to put it on . But some lumber needed to be thrown out , so it was loaded on the truck . My desk computer has been having some problems lately , and I have been in touch with Live Chat Technical Support at length , a couple of times . The stuff that the Techs want me to do , it won 't do . I keep it ' defragged ' , ' disk clean ' , ' cache cleared ' , and I tried ' msconfig ' , and ' prefetch ' , so I don 't know why it is acting up , but it starts freezing up again . Maybe something is going out in it again , or maybe it is the cable company . I might have to switch over to my laptop after all . Or back to my very old Compaq which doesn 't like this LCD flat screen , so I would have to drag out the big Posted by Yesterday , Jimmy begged me to pick him up to work , as he was so bored . He didn 't want to get paid , he just wanted out of the house . As he was sober , I did . He is good with the carpet - upholstery cleaner , and as Ray and I had put the new parts on it , it seemed like a good time to clean the carpet in the truck . If it leaked , it would be outside , and we would know if it was good to bring in the house . Then he cleaned some spots that were on my carpet in the house . He knew that I was to meet Kenya , my SPCA boss with the kittens , as they were going to be viewed by some prospective ' parents ' , and he wanted to go into the next town with me . Ray did some touch up paint work on the Little Van , as I had managed to find the right color DupliColor . I don 't know why some Chevys lose little bits of their paint , but this one had . Nothing much , and doesn 't show on the pictures , but it needed to be fixed . It might have been tiny rocks that had hit it , but there were several little ' holes ' in the paint where the primer showed through , front and rear . I do the taping , as that is my forte , and he does the painting . We didn 't work more than a couple of hours , as it was getting hot . I can only leave the cats out on the screen porch until noon latest , then I bring them into the AC . The kittens in the grooming room , and Bobcat likes to lay under the dining table . Kenya 's big van had been rear ended , and was in the shop . The rental company only had cars . Can you imagine what it has been like for her to transport the cages to the Adoption Days ? They fold up , but you can 't get much in a car , so it was taking her several trips . She didn 't realize that I have a truck now , and that I could have taken them to Petco for her . Then to top it off , the high winds the other day had blown a tree across her driveway , and the chainsaw was dull . So she was having to go around it through some rough terrain , in a rental car . She was still busy fairly late in the afternoon . She has a mother , father , and grandmother that she runs around , too , for their appoinLakeConroePenny , TX Sunday , I groomed my late husband 's dog , MaeMae , who now lives with her previous folks . Then I took a lot of time composing the ad for the Class B , and sorting out the best pictures . Even though I did a very thorough description of it , and 24 pictures , I still get questions that would be answered if they would just read the ad . So I did a lot of answering emails about that the last few days . Silly questions like " How long will the water in the tank last " ! That 's like asking how long is a piece of string , as it all depends on how they use it . Monday , yesterday , Emma 's , ( the cat boarder ) " Mom " came to pick her up . After 2 weeks of being here , poor Emma didn 't know if she was coming or going . She was pleased to see her Mom , and smelled her , as if to ask where had she been all this time . Then she walked back into my big cage and sat on the kitty condo . I had to get on all fours to get her out . After we rented a crane to get me up , ( LOL ) , I got her in her carrier , and off they went . So now , for a while , there is just old Bobcat , the two foster kittens , and me . Ray mowed the yard , those little ' whispies ' , I call them , had grown up . He said that the blade needed sharpening , so we loaded the mower up on the truck . I had trouble getting the blade off last time , so it is easier to let the man at our local Western Auto fool with it . Today , Tuesday , Ray and I got the table storage mount done on the back of the kitchen cabinet in the Class B . You turn the little red velour ' knobs ' to get the table out . The top of the table is almond Formica to match the counter top . The pole will store in a clamp thing , like a fire extinguisher has , in that little corner on the left . Then the wind suddenly came up and was blowing the trees every which way , the sky got dark , and we just knew it was going to downpour . So we didn 't get that installed . We were scrambling to get the tools back in the workshop , and I had so much stuff out . Compressor , staple gun , chop saw , velour , knives , scissors , screw drivers , bins of screws , washers , etc . Just a whPosted by Nothing much to tell today . Just doing chores around the house , until it was time to take the kittens to Adoption Day at Petco . While they were there , I drove to the RV store south of town and got a different length table pedestal pole , for the Class B . I went to Home Depot , Lowes , a couple of thrift shops . I got a couple of summer blouses , and canvas shoes . I got a new pump - up sprayer , and different brand of automatic cut - off for the underground watering system , so that I won 't have to do it manually any more . I hope this one works . Back to Petco . The SPCA volunteers usually get some take - out , this time it was Chinese , and we all ate at a table in a corner , until it was time to load up all the critters , cages , and stuff . Apparently this is a slow time for adoptions , while school is out . So it is really to let the animals get used to different surroundings and people . A busy day for me , but a slow Adoption Day . Ray and I worked on the Class B table storage mount a little bit this morning . Boy , was it humid ! You wanted it to come a downpour just to clear the air . We did move our work back into the workshop at one time , as it rained three drops . I didn 't take any pictures , as Ray got called away , and we didn 't get it finished . Mindi postponed bringing the dogs to later in the month , so I didn 't have to move Emma , the cat boarder , out of the big cage to a smaller one , to make room for the big black Lab . Emma 's " Mama " called , and she will be here Sunday afternoon to pick her up . I think that Emma is a scared of thunder , as she didn 't want to eat her dinner tonight . Or maybe she is just tired of being here . Three drops of rain weren 't going to get it , so I turned on the watering system to the hedge , and row of Aloe Vera . So , of course , it started to rain . I turned the water off . But the rain stopped , so I turned the water back on again . Then it started to thunder and rain a little bit again , I turned the faucet off again . So now I am playing musical faucet , instead of animals . I was supposed to go into our little town , but I don 't like to drive with speeding idiots on wet roads , so I will go tomorrow when I have to go to the next town for Adoption Day . It is still not raining , but a thundering day . Another nice morning , but very windy , with a chance of rain . It did lightly drizzle a couple of times , and Ray and I thought that we wouldn 't be able to continue if it got any worse , but it didn 't , so we were able to work until it got too hot , around lunchtime . The cats were happy on the porch until I brought them in then , too . First , we got the carpet cleaner down from the attic , and attached the fitting that I had bought . But the original female fitting was through a piece of plastic that had cracked , so we put some plastic glue on that to try to re - inforce it , and now it is drying . This is the first time we have had a bunch of fire ants . Probably because I usually spray the yard for fleas because of any doggie boarders , and it hasn 't been done this year . Been too busy getting these RV 's done . The ants were even getting up on Ray and Shay 's covered porch and eating their outside cat , Blackie 's , food . We had her dishes in bowls of water to try to stop them , but some ants sacrificed themselves so that the live ones could cross on their bodies . We saw them do it . Now that is really something . So , second , we had to do something about that . I looked at the hourly weather forecast , and the wind wasn 't going to let up , and it had started to drizzle again . Of course the pump up sprayer didn 't want to work at first , until we cajoled the wand with some compressed air . We locked Blackie up in her bedroom , their utility room , and sprayed all the covered porch which goes from their place , my guest house , all the way to my front door . It is protected from the rain and wind . We will do the rest of the yard , when it isn 't so windy . Then we did all around my screen porch , and left enough for me to do inside my porch when my kittens are not there . Third , let 's get to work on the Class B . The left picture is the ratty flashing that they had over the front doors . The second and third pictures are of EZE RV Gutter over the two front doors . The last one is where we added a strip across over the back doors , so that if the AC is on , and tPosted by The kittens and Bobcat were so happy to be back on their screen porch this morning . But I had to bring them in around noon as it was getting hot . Emma was loose in the grooming room while they were out there , and I was washing my hair in the little bathroom off the grooming room . First she wouldn 't stay out of the tub , I was using the dog sprayer over the tub , and then she discovered that was wet . So she went off to find better things , and this is how Emma " helped " me ! ! Ray came over after he had done a pressure washing job down the freeway , and we did his time sheet . He had done so many hours this last month , that he only owed me $ 1 in rent . I am so glad to have him helping me when he can , as he is thorough , and I don 't have to put up with Jay and his addled brain and hang overs . He tries to do things quickly , and can 't think things through , and they have to be done over . If , and when , Jay straightens up again , he can come back and do more carpentry work . I spent some time cleaning the cages , and carrier , that the Little T , and the Dachshund ( in season ) , had been in . I will need to keep my kittens in that big dog carrier in my living room on Friday . More about that later . So a " ripping " good day . It seems strange to have " Little T " gone , but now the work begins . I still couldn 't let my cats out on the porch until I had cleaned and disinfected the box out there , mopped the floor , and washed the rugs , etc . I was doing that while Ray took off these ghastly pieces of tin / flashing that someone had siliconed on top of the two front doors on the Class B . See bottom of picture . I was clever enough to crop that out of my pictures to share . What a way to do things . That darned silicone is so hard to remove , and I wish folks would keep it away from RVs and use the proper stuff . I think I know why they put it there ; to stop AC condensation from dripping over the front doors . It took a long time to get that tin off there and the residue cleaned up , and Ray cut his arm on it . Not bad , just a one Bandaid cut . I had bought some drip cap to replace it , but the conformation wasn 't right . I looked in my RV catalogs , and saw that the flexible Gutter System , made of poly - vinyl , might work . We also tried out the table with the table pedestals , and that wasn 't going to work . The original table must have been a lot narrower , and it seemed to take up too much room in such a small aisle . Even from pictures of this model , the original table seems overwhelming , so maybe that is why the PO got rid of it . So we went back to Plan A , and are going to use the little maple one . I think most folks in B 's eat on the picnic table , or carry one of those light aluminum fold up tables anyway . When we went in a B , we used a dining canopy or small screen house over the picnic table as our outside living room . Really , we did that in the Class A , too . It is so much nicer to be outside , and I am too short to be fooling with putting an awning in and out , so we never used ours . We kept it strapped down , so that it couldn 't unfurl while traveling , and that was too much hassle for me to try to do all that . We have all seen what an awning coming unfurled going down the road can do to a rig . I would rather contend with a WalMart dining canopy , or one of thoPosted by I was awakened by the doorbell chiming at 6 . 00 am . I knew that Mindi was bring two of her Poodles to be groomed , but she had to go out of town overnight , and she brought 8 ( yes , eight ) of her dogs . 5 Poodles , 1 smooth Dachshund ( Weiner Dog ) and 2 Wire - haired Dachshunds . Oh , they have more , but they are outside ranch dogs . Mindi 's dogs usually just play loose in the grooming room , as you can see they have lots of toys . Now , I had to tend to Emma , the cat boarder , in the big cage in there , so I locked up Mindi 's dogs in the kennel cages . Here is Emma playing with the loop on my grooming table . She knows Mindi 's dogs , but I didn 't let her loose with them , as I am responsible for her . My foster kittens were locked up the the big cage in the middle room , until it was their time to come out and play . Now one of Mindi 's , Precious , the Smooth Dachshund , is in season , and one of her male Poodles is not neutered , so I am really playing " musical animals " now . I am keeping Precious in a fairly large dog crate in my hallway . Here is Emma playing with a neutered mouse . It was a monorchid ( 1 ball ) , but it was neutered so that the ball could not fall out , and one of the critters choke on it . I got two Poodles ready for their baths , but I am going to have an early lunch , as I have to take " Little T " into the next town this afternoon , to his new fostermom . So I just put all the critters down for their naps , and I am going to try to take one , too . Oh , oh , phone just rang , I am taking Little T now . 3 . 30pm . Back from town . Little T seemed happy with his new fostermom , and he has his own little cushion that he had here . One that the Quilting Ladies made for the SPCA animals . While I was at the Interstate Battery Depot getting a new battery for the Class B , I got a call from Mindi . It seems that I won 't have time to finish grooming these two poodles , as she is coming back early , and will be there soon . The dogs will be back on Friday , so I can finish them then . I was at the Interstate place , instead of Wal - Mart , as it is a Kirkland battePosted by Yesterday I got up at the usual time , and played musical " free time " with the cats , as they would have to be locked up for a while in the afternoon . Except Bobcat , of course . In between that , I just spent most of my time getting ready to go to my granddaughter , Kim 's , House Warming Party . I tried to curl my hair with a curling iron . I tried to wax my eyebrows , and that hurt more than tweezering . I tried to get my eyebrow make - up to look the same on both sides . Tried to get my lipstick on , without looking like a made up old freak . I tried on different clothes , and shoes . Changed purses . You know the drill . LOL . I settled on a nice embroidered short - sleeve blue suit , white silk top , white shoes and bag , but by the time this picture was taken , I had changed into a summer dress , as it got hot , and we were mostly in the back yard . I only wore that suit because it fit me . I had intended to wear a floral summer dress , and I had some that I had never worn , ( size 9 ! ) with the price tags still on them . But this computer made me put on weight , so I took the dresses with me , and gave them to my girls . They pounced on them , so I guess they liked them . Apart from other things , I gave them each a doggie bed for each of their dogs , made by the Quilting Ladies . Those were gifts that no - one else thought to take , I 'll bet . Kim 's dogs , two Pugs and a Beagle , are crated at night , so I hope they enjoy . It was good to see everyone again , and a few tears were shed because Susan wasn 't there with us . The kids were slipping and sliding on one of those water slides that hooks up to a garden hose . Then they would sit in the chairs at the outside table getting them wet , so if you got up , you folded up your chair ! ! Even my 13 year old grandson had a great time on the slide with the smaller kids . I think a good time was had by all , plenty to eat even though some food got left in the fridge by mistake . Wendy , my daughter on the left , Kimberly , my granddaughter on the right , and " Gee , I Didn 't Break The Camera " in the middle . The truck ran fine , anPosted by " Our perception of animals determines how we treat them , and whether they suffer under our dominion or not . Behind our perception and treatment of animals lie our needs , wants , values , and cultural and religious traditions . Until these are addressed and our perception changed so there is empathy , respect , and communication , the holocaust of the animal kingdom will continue . And those qualities or virtues that make us human - humility , compassion , and selfless benevolence - will continue to be crushed by arrogance , ignorance , and the selfishness of our species . " " What is man without the beasts ? If all the beasts were gone , man would die from a great loneliness of spirit . For whatever befalls the earth , befalls the sons of the earth . Man did not weave the web of life ; he is merely a strand in it . Whatever he does to the web , he does to himself . " ( Chief Seattle , 1855 ) The basic issue is simple : " The question is not , can they reason ? Nor , can they talk ? But , can they suffer ? " ( Jeremy Bentham , philosopher and animal rights activist ; 1748 - 1832 . ) |
I started some new training at work today so I 'm feeling pretty overloaded and dumb at the moment . Hopefully I can get used to all this quickly . In the meantime , check out this photo of some dead trees in the desert of Africa . I thought it was a graphic at first . But nope ! It 's a good ole photograph . Amazing . Today is Travis ' birthday so we 're having a little family celebration tonight . Hopefully I 'll remember to post about it later since I still haven 't posted about this past weekend . I 'm sure it doesn 't help that I 've been bad about taking photos again . . . Sagira is still living with my friend . It 's been a little over a week and supposedly she 's only had two accidents . Once was just like she did before and the second time was a stress - induced diarrhea . She got a bath and blow - dry . I PROMISE that Sagira wasn 't a big fan of that . She may have been okay playing around in the bath ( she isn 't freaked out by water like most cats - it 's a Bengal trait ) , but I 'm SURE that blow dryer freaked her out . Besides that , the new owner is enjoying her . Sagira is slowly warming up to her and her family . The owner 's other cat still hisses at Sagira regularly , but hopefully she 'll get over that soon . THIS COULD BE AWESOME . The wall is coming along smoothly . Well , sort of . I was painting on the stucco primer Sunday and we found two spots that didn 't attach to the pressed board . We broke it off and Travis patched the large holes last night . I primed the rest of the wall and Travis caulked most of the trim . He 's going to finishing caulking the rest of the wall tonight and he also plans to prime the trim . I will have to wait until next week to finish priming the stucco because the new patches need to cure completely . Rain is in the forecast for Thursday , so we wanted to get the wall as close to air tight before then . We 've done the best we can with fresh stucco on the wall . After the priming and caulking is finished , we will paint ! We are painting the stucco grey , to match our house . I 'm not sure what color to paint the trim . We were planning to do black to make the trim on our house , but my dad has been trying to convince us to choose a lighter color . He said we don 't have to do a stark contrast to match the house exactly . I 'm not sure what we 'll do yet . It 's coming along ! When I was younger I hated going to weddings . It seemed that all of my aunts , uncles and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me , poking me in the ribs laugingly announcing , " You are next ! " They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals . Also funny ? best of craigslist . It is a compilation of various ridiculous posts people have put on Craigslist . My current favorite : I hate exercising with passion so the plan of action is this : I ingest Rohypnol [ you supply the roofies as I don 't know where to purchase them ] and you strap my body to yours [ limbs to limbs using velcro ] and take me along on a jog . Three nights a week . If you 're capable and interested , E - mail me so that we can discuss the fee . A couple nights ago I had a dream so real that when I woke up I was seriously upset . I dreamt that I was pregnant with our second child . I gave birth and after the delivery the doctor said there was a problem . I don 't remember what it was , but he said there are two options : Medicine that might not work or just do a hysterectomy . I was so worried about dying that I immediately chose the hysterectomy . After I 'd had the surgery I was laying there in the hospital bed when I realized that I 'd only had two children . I wasn 't sure if I wanted to have a third child or not . With that decision taken away from me , I was panicked and upset . I couldn 't believe that I 'd thrown away that option later in life without even thinking about it . Dream interpretation websites say this dream may represent the need to slash something out of my life , like a habit or something of which I need to let go . They actually used the word ' slash ' . Eesh . Years ago , Travis used to like to scare me when I was in the shower . I would be minding my own business , rinsing my hair out in the spray , and when I opened my eyes , Travis ' head would be peeking through the curtain . Scared me EVERY time . If I could 've chased him safely , I would have whacked him on the head . I HATE to be startled . Fast forward a few years . Aiden recently started getting out of bed in the middle of the night or early morning and coming into our bedroom . He used to come around to my side of the bed ( he probably tried Travis at first but then realized that 's like waking the dead ) and get my attention . I would walk him back to bed and that would be it . Until an hour later , or maybe not again until the next night . Now when I hear him talking or trying to open his bedroom door ( it sticks really bad ) , I wake up and lay there waiting for him to come in . Yesterday morning I heard his door open , but Aiden never came around to get me . I sat up to look at the door and he was just standing there staring at Travis . Scared the living daylights out of me . Thankfully he ran back into his bedroom on his own and shut the door . Then my alarm went off . He got up one minute before my alarm went off . Side note : Aiden used to sleep in until an hour after my alarm went off . I can 't tell what 's causing this new earlier wake time . It 's either Travis ' new alarm that sounds like a fire detector going off , or the excitement of getting to watch TV . He started waking up so early that he would get bored before I was done getting ready , so I started letting him watch TV . Now I think he 's so excited to watch TV that he 's getting up earlier than he should . Time to nip that in the bud . So ! Aiden scares me when he stands silently in our dark room . He also scares me when he quietly comes out of his bedroom and stands in the doorway of the bathroom where I 'm getting ready . I don 't know why , but him getting up on his own startles me every time . I think I 've seen one too many scary movies with little creatures running around . I 'm used to seeing an adult closer to my height walking around the house . Aiden has recently begun calling us Tabis and Mickey . We would prefer to go by Daddy and Mommy , so we were contemplating on how to handle the situation . We came up with the following resolution : 1 ) Start calling each other Mommy and Daddy all the time . 2 ) Ignore him when he calls us by our birth names . The stucco is done ! ! ! ! Wahoo ! ! ! Now everything from here is a piece of cake . We just have to put up the trim , paint the wall , build the pergola , put in the lights and outlets , and then open up the chain link fence to connect the new fenced in area with our existing backyard . I know that sounds like a lot of work , but compared to what we 've done so far , it 's a cake walk . And I can help a lot more than I have so far . Actually , I am completely capable of painting without Travis ' supervision , thank you very much . The main obstacle left on our plate is the gate . We left an opening so you can get from the front door to the fenced in area easily . My dad priced prefab gates before he came down to visit us in July , only to find out that not a single store in the area sells prefabricated fence gates . Apparently that concept is more popular in the north . We CAN order them online , but they are so expensive . My dad was thinking about mailing us the one he found at a store near him . But it cost more to mail it than it did to buy it . The last two options available to us are bring it back with us on a plane when we go to Illinois in October , or have our friend Chris R . make one for us . He is a torch wielding artist that could probably make us a fabulous custom piece . We are currently weighing our options . Last weekend while sitting on the patio , I saw a lightning bug . Lightning bugs are ALL OVER in Illinois in the summer time . I had actually completely forgotten about them until I saw that one floating over our house last weekend . I had a nostalgic moment when I remembered catching the bugs in a glass jar with my sister . Then when we went to bed at night , we would set the jar on our nightstand and watch the yellow butts crawling around in the leaves and sticks that we had so thoughtfully placed in there . I was thrilled when I saw another lightning bug last night while we were working on the fence . It was walking on the ground , so I ran up to investigate . Right away I noticed that there were two bioluminescent dots on it 's back . The lightning bug I grew up catching had an entire abdomen that lit up and then flashed intermittently in the night . In my teen years , I used to hate when one would smash on my windshield . As soon as I ran the wipers , I had smeared bioluminescence all over my windshield . The bug I found last night was a creepy monster of a beetle . Nice try TEXAS . I would like you to also note the ratio of dead to live grass in this photo . Now imagine that over 30 % of my yard . Stupid drought . Anyhoo , I did some research and found that these TEXAS lightning bugs are called click beetles . Wikipedia says that the lights shine constantly and then get brighter if touched by a predator . The one we found last night must be dumb because his lights dimmed and he rolled over on his back like he was playing dead . Weird . Apparently the eggs and larvae are luminous as well . Wouldn 't that make them easier to spot by predators ? Maybe all the beetles are dumb . The Sagira debacle has had further development this weekend . Last week I put out a plea on Facebook , hoping that SOMEONE would be interested in taking on our charity case of a cat . Thankfully , we had two bites . The second bite overlapped the first , so I told her to wait it out and see what happened with the first . Unfortunately the first bite never got back with me , so second bite won out . We brought Sagira to her new home Sunday morning . Her new house is twice as big as ours , with only ONE other cat . There is a dog , but he spends most of his time in the backyard . There are temporarily two extra people and two extra dogs ( also in the backyard ) , but that is only until they get an apartment ( daughter is home from college , with her boyfriend ) . When the new owner saw Sagira , she was in love with her and HAD to have her . I hope she still feels the same way after living with the Poop Machine for a week . It took Sagira a week to start pooping at Ariel 's house . Hopefully she doesn 't even start it up in this new house . She has a cat house to climb in , a clean litter box and wet food everyday . That part was especially alluring to me since Sagira has lost some weight recently . I 'm hoping it is just stress and that she will get over it soon . The new owner knows that we will take Sagira back , should the pooping be overwhelming , or in the event that she does not get along with their other cat . They hissed at each other a little bit , but that is to be expected . This past weekend , we went to a birthday party for one of Aiden 's friends from the old daycare . Ruby was one of the first kids in the class whose name he learned . After a few months of Aiden being in the 1 - year - old room , I ran into an old friend picking up his daughter , who turned out to be Ruby ! I said , your daughter is Ruby ? ! He said , Ya ! Your son is Aiden ? ! Apparently they were best buds . A month after Aiden switched daycare , we invited Ruby to Aiden 's birthday party . Sadly , she got sick and was unable to make it . I was stoked to get in invitation to Ruby 's party for Aiden . It 's been three months since Aiden left that daycare , so I wasn 't completely surprised to find the old pals did not recognize each other . It was still a little sad . It was so funny to watch Aiden in a room full of pink toys , surrounded by girls . Most of our friends have boys Aiden 's age . And the one girl ( Kate ) we see occasionally does not really do the whole girly - pink thing . I used to work at a vet clinic while I was in college . Erik worked there at the same time as I did . Crazy to think we 'd have kids at the same time ! Aiden gave it a few good whacks and didn 't even hit anyone else with the stick ! They had to have an 11 - year old boy come in and do the real damage . After a little prodding , we got Aiden to run up and grab some candy . He came back with a sucker in each hand . A couple weekends ago , we went over to the Yeager 's for dinner . We celebrated Zach 's birthday with some yummy chocolate cake . Aiden was so excited about all of Luke 's toys that he absolutely refused to eat dinner . Because of the heat , they have brought all Luke 's giant backyard toys into the house : a trampoline , a play house , plus all his regular toys ( chair , table , etc ) . Aiden 's not one to turn down sweets and because it was a special occasion ( he never gets desserts ) , we let him have a small slice of cake . After we ate , the baby sitter showed up to watch Kenley while the rest of us , plus Scott , went to watch a movie in the park . This month 's showing was the Disney movie Tangled . Luke wasn 't very interested in the show and Aiden wanted to be wherever Luke was , so the boys ended up playing on the playground the entire time instead of watching the show . We had a lot of fun , but I still want to see the rest of that movie ! I think the guys were grateful that they weren 't forced to sit through an entire Disney film . I got bit by a fire ant that night , so I took a Benadryl before bed . Travis got up with Aiden in the morning so I could sleep off my Benadryl coma . Sadly , he found Aiden covered in the chocolate cake he must have vomited at some point during the night . Apparently sugar on an empty stomach , topped with running around in the heat equates to an upset toddler tummy . Well , Sagira 's back . She crapped on every pillow in Ariel and Robert 's house on Saturday night , then again Sunday morning . So she came back Sunday afternoon . It was worth a try ! I have to admit , I 'm bummed she 's back . I was enjoying the lack of work in her absence . Cleaned the litter box less often , refilled the food and water less often , never cleaned poop off the beds or anything else for that matter ( including the floor around the litter box ) . But now we 're back to needy Sagira . Pilling her Prozac was horrible . She scratches and freaks out . If anything , that stressed her out even more . I 've been reading up on Bengal cats . Apparently they get bored easily . So that 's probably what her problem is . I don 't feel like turning my entire house into a kitty playground , so we 're debating letting her outside . Travis is all for it . I 'm terrified . There are big , scary dogs in our neighborhood and Sagira doesn 't have any practice running away from dogs . If anything , she has always tried to play with the dogs that have come into our house . That spells disaster for a cat who has lived her life indoors . We also live on a fairly busy street . Again , Sagira does not have much experience with motorized vehicles . I 'm kind of hoping we can let her out in the back yard in the evening and then let her back inside before dark . I don 't know how well that will work though . She 'll probably leave the yard , or hide under the house . An artist asked a number of factories to make their product for him , but with one abnormality that would render the item useless . I thought it was fun to go through and notice what was wrong with each product . Some of them are more obvious than others . . . I have spent months complaining about having too many animals to my family . As you remember , we sent Callaway home with my dad last month . We were hoping to give a cat to my mom whenever she came to visit , but she was unable to come this summer . A month ago , Ariel offered to take Sagira off our hands . I felt bad sending Sagira to live with her , and honestly I wasn 't sure if she was serious . But when she offered it again last weekend , we took her up . As of right now , it 's just a trial period . Sagira is known to be the culprit of eliminating her bowels on our bed EVERY SINGLE DAY and I really didn 't want to put that stress on my sister and Robert . So far she hasn 't continued that habit at their house . She did pee in their room after a day of staying there , but we both think it 's because she was too afraid to leave the bedroom in that first day . She has since made many trips downstairs to the litter box she now shares with their other cat Junipurr . I 'm crossing my fingers that this continues to work . We no longer have a need for the baby gates . We 've kept them up for months , only for the animals . Aiden can get through them if he really wants , so they don 't work for him any more . A couple days ago we took down the gates and our house seems so HUGE now . It 's insane how much space those little white things took up . Aiden ran through the doorway in the morning and paused for a moment when he realized he didn 't have to jump over anything . I thought it was funny . I haven 't taken the tarp off the guest bed yet , JUST IN CASE the other cats decide to drop a deuce in remembrance of Sagira . We haven 't had to change the duvet cover on our bed a single day since she left . I 'm about to put the comforter IN the duvet cover . I haven 't done that in months ! I had another 4 o ' clock wakening this morning , but this one was a lot different than yesterday 's . I 've been using a sleeping mask at night for a few months now . So last night , when I thought I heard something next to my bed I started to pull up my mask . It was only up an inch when a small child flopped on top of me . Aiden snuggled into my neck for a hug and just laid there . I was so exhausted that I didn 't say anything and I just laid there as well . After a moment , he rolled over into the crook of my arm and stayed there for 30 minutes . At that point , he got out of our bed and I asked him if he was going back to his bed . He put up his hand , I took it , and walked him back to his bed and Mr . Lion . I don 't know why he came in to visit me . Perhaps he had a bad dream ? Perhaps he woke up early , but decided he wasn 't ready to wake up just yet ? No matter the reason , it was the sweetest thing . Aiden does not cuddle . Unless he is sick , he likes his own space . As long as he has been strong enough to push me away , he has never been a fan of cuddling . He 's his own little person , with his own personal space . If it never happens again , I will be happy with that moment . But I 'm keeping my fingers crossed that he 'll cross over to the dark side eventually . At 3 : 45 this morning , I woke suddenly to Travis catapulting himself out of bed and running from the room . He had thrown the comforter over me and scared the wits out of Phage ( our cat ) as well . Phage had been laying by my feet on the bed and was now standing on the floor hissing in the direction Travis had just run . My heart was racing and I assumed that he had heard someone trying to break in and went to check on it . When he didn 't come back immediately , I had a moment to ponder what the hell was going on . Generally , if Travis thinks he hears someone outside our house , he looks through the windows first . And that usually wakes me up so I 'm aware of what 's going on as well . Since he had so quickly propelled himself from our bedroom , I thought it might be something else . As I strained to hear what he was doing , I thought of fire , or maybe the cats were getting into something they shouldn 't ? That 's when I heard Travis lift the toilet seat in the bathroom . I hopped up to go see what was going on . " Oh I think I had a dream that I needed to hop out of bed really quick . " Huh ? I 'm laying in the bedroom having a heart attack and you just had a bad dream ? What the deuce ? ? Eh , well as long as I 'm up I might as well use the bathroom . Funny thing is , every morning when he sleeps in through all the snoozes on his alarm and I go into wake him up , that 's how he gets out of bed . It 's like he 's been prodded with electricity to get him going . Hilarious . Every time . Last year , Travis , Aiden and I visited David , Stephanie and Wednesday in New Orleans . While we were there , Stephanie mentioned that she couldn 't wait to watch the next episode of True Blood . They bought Seasons 1 and 2 and were watching the episodes consecutively . Stephanie was trying be a polite hostess and not pull out the DVD 's while we were there . I told her to go ahead because I had heard good things about the show . If we liked it , then maybe we could catch up as well . Turns out , we both liked it ! They loaned us the first season so we could get started . Since they live so far away , we were barely able to return Season 1 , let alone go get Season 2 . Instead , I got the second season from a friend right here at work . So when Season 3 started a few weeks ago , I was thrilled to get a standing invitation from my friend Michelle to watch it at her house . True Blood is aired exclusively on HBO - a channel we do not get . Michelle got HBO only so she could watch this season live . I was totally on board . It 's been going pretty well so far . The only downfall is that the show starts at 8pm , which is when Aiden usually lies down for bedtime . To help make up for this new late bedtime on Sundays , we let him sleep as late as he wants during nap time that day . There was one day that he refused to take a nap and that ended in a complete fiasco at Michelle 's house . At one point Aiden started head banging . On his own . It 's pretty fun going over there though . We bring food and / or drinks . Last week , another girl from work came over as well . We talk a little and Travis even seems to enjoy himself , despite being the only guy present ( aside from Aiden ) . Saturday evening I got another fire ant bite . This time I 've take a few countermeasures to help prevent the extreme swelling I had last week . I 've tried to stay out of the heat as much as possible . When I am outside , I try to keep my foot up and iced . I took a Benadryl at bedtime the first night I got bit and I 've been taking Ibuprofen a couple times a day to help control the swelling . It has gotten a little more swollen every few hours , but nothing like it was last time . The worst part is that the bite is exactly where the sandal strap lays on my foot . So I can 't wear regular sandals . I have a fancy pair of Greek sandals that I wore all day Sunday . I felt overdressed the whole day , but at least I didn 't want to scratch the skin right off my foot . Posted by I came across this website where the auther posts a daily photo of herself " levitating " . It doesn 't look like she 's posted for a while , but it 's just as entertaining to go through her archives . There are also shots of her cat thrown in that are not quite as interesting . Yowayowa Camera WomanTo levitate , she sets the timer on her camera , runs to the target and jumps . Apparently it takes more than one shot . I 'm impressed with her lack of grimace . If I were jumping repeatedly ( hell , even once for that matter ) , I know my face and limbs would be tensed . Also , I am incapable of getting my feet farther than two inches off the ground . This girl is IMPRESSIVE . There is a running joke in the family - every time I jump , someone yells , " Credit card check ! " Meaning , ' Check to see if you can fit a credit card between her feet and the ground ! ' You 're going 30 mph down a road in town . You are three car lengths from the light when it turns yellow . Do you gas it ? Or brake ? I gassed it . The other guy braked . I don 't know why it struck me as so strange . On the way into work , I was driving along side another car going the same speed . We saw the same thing and had completely opposite reactions in the same moment . I guess that 's what makes us human . I mentioned it in the last post about Luke 's party , but our friend Katie brought her giant new lens and camera to the party and took a bunch of pictures . She finally got through editing them all and passed them along to Linsey and Zach . They in turn , forwarded a few to me and then I forwarded a few along to others . Katie did such a great job . We need to have her take some family photos for us . That would be really interesting with Aiden the Irritable . HA . Nadya , Kate , Aiden and IEnjoying the A / C : Kate , Nadya , Alexa and AidenCake time ! That 's Zach 's mom in the flowered shirt and Linsey 's mom in the red top . Me with my gimp foot ( unable to proplery watch the candle blowing ) . . . Skylar and DaddyOn a side note , I totally have body dysmorphic disorder . I don 't obsess over it and I am by no means anorexic ( I 'm too hungry for that ) , but I am unhappy with my body . But then I see photos like this and I am ten times thinner than I imagine in my head . Why do I do that ? Day 3 in the new lab . I 'm still doing work for the old boss and I 'm still doing training , so there 's been a lot of running around . It 's going to take a little getting used to this new building . And I think I need to get a new parking spot . It takes me 15 minutes to get to my car from here ! I know half of that is just trying to get out of the building , but it 's just too much . 30 minutes of my daily commute is WALKING . It 's silly . I 'm also really digging this new car . I love that I don 't have to get grossed out about finding someone else 's dirt in the car . That always freaked me out . My biggest struggle with the car is the lack of space in the back seat . It 's so cramped when I try to get Aiden in and out . He is completely capable of getting in and out on his own , but he 's a stubborn , hard - headed child . Reverse psychology works wonders on him . As long as he thinks it 's his idea , he 'll do just about anything we ask of him . My dad said Callaway is doing really well in Illinois . He was more clingy than normal in the beginning , but apparently he 's gotten better . He has had trouble dealing with the thunderstorms . I guess they upset him as much as the pellet gun next door bothered him here . My dad is learning all of Callaway 's idiosyncrasies . Like you can 't leave him tied up to anything with a cloth leash . He WILL chew his way out of that . And he always has to be in the same room as everyone else . He will whine for hours if he is locked in a different room or outside . My poor dad . HA . Travis and I got more stucco done on the wall Monday night . We developed a system where I mix the stucco and he applies it . Pretty much by the time I 'm mixing one bucket , he 's ready for another . Travis thinks we have four more nights of work . I 'm not sure that I feel the same way . I have a feeling that moving the cyclone fence is going to be a pain in the fanny . I do , however , feel that we are in the home stretch ! I came across these photos within a couple days ago and couldn 't help but notice the similarities . The first is taken at a party in high school , circa 2000 . The second was taken Thanksgiving 2009 . That means we had graduated from college , gotten married , owned a house , bought a dog and our son was four months old . Posted by We bought the car ! They finally agreed to it Friday night . Travis went up after work to sign his life away . Again . Why does it feel like we 're always signing our life away ? I guess that 's what happens when you buy stuff on credit . Eh . We had to put $ 500 down to get the Mazda . It wasn 't hard for us since we had that money set aside for the Murano payment anyway . The great news is that we have a brand new car with no current problems . If any problems do arise , hopefully one of our warranties will cover it . Here 's a list of all the things I can forget about having to fix now that we don 't have the Murano : Replace windshield - there was one giant crack and 5 holes threatening to spiderweb . Replace 4 bald tires - that 's something we probably would have had to do again in 3 years since the alignment is so bad in that vehicle . Fix the A / C - it only works when the car is in motion . Power steering flush - recommended every so many miles . We had reached those miles . Not only do I not need to worry about spending that money , but I also don 't need to worry about taking the vehicle in and being without a car . If anything goes wrong with the Mazda and they need to keep it over night , they will give us a loaner car . AWESOME . After Travis got home Friday night with our new vehicle , I left with it . Ha ! I met a few of the girls from work for drinks at the new rum bar in Galveston . I 've been wanting to go since they opened up . Travis did all the electrical in there , so I had heard about some of the decorative details in that place . I drive by it all the time and it looks like so much fun . I was right ! I stayed until 1 in the morning without even realizing it was so late . I 'm sure it helped that I downed a coffee right before leaving the house . The point of the get - together was to commemorate my time at that lab . But the new lab I 'll be working in is in a different building - the building where most of my friends work . So I 'll actually be seeing all of them more often now . SCORE . This photo cracks me up . The brunette in army green is ArNikki I grew up in central Illinois , but moved south of Houston , Texas in 2002 . I live with my husband Travis , son Aiden and daughter Mila in our first home . Most of our time is spent doing things as a family and I love it ! I also live with two cats and some fish . I work as a safety specialist at a research hospital and hope to make it my career . Feel free to leave a comment and let me know you stopped by . |
The stone steps led to a cave that was lit eerily with blue light and the explorers entered cautiously . They had come seeking artifacts initially , but what lay before them exceeded what any of them could have imagined . Of the group of four , each imagined something different . Jack imagined the fame that this discovery would bring him . Maria began to imagine ways they could profit from it . Ben was filled with horror at way lay before him . Joan was awestruck by the beauty in front of her . Tenderly , she reached out and touched the small , glowing alien baby that lay nestled within the wreckage of what appeared to be a wrecked space craft . Slowly , she reached out and lifted her up , smiling at the beautiful baby as she cooed and reached up to her face . Joan clutched the baby a little tighter to her chest , suddenly uneasy about the strong interest they had in the small alien . She felt her own emotions surge and wondered if the baby herself were causing their feelings to be intensified . The baby cuddled closer to her . Joan took a step back . Jack reached out and tried to grab the small alien from her . Maria was coming at her from the other side . Ben looked on in horror . Joan turned and began running into the cavern , Jack and Maria in hot pursuit . As she ran around a bend in the cavern the baby began to wail . Joan tried to comfort her as she ran and looked for a hiding place or escape . She ran through the cave and tripped over a tree root , instinctively turning to take the brunt of the fall in her shoulder and protect her charge from her weight . Joan fought back a sob as she tried to stay focused on getting them to safety . She got up and began trying to run , but her ankle wouldn 't support her . Maria and Jack were closing in on her . Suddenly , they both stopped short and their eyes went wide . Joan tried to comfort the crying child , who made the only sound in the room . She realized they weren 't staring at her and slowly she turned to look behind her . A tall , fierce - looking alien with blue skin , wide eyes and black hair stood behind her . Despite his fierceness , she thought to herself how beautiful and exotic he looked . She looked into his eyes and tried to produce a friendly smile . She offered the crying baby up to him . Then , suddenly , he 'd picked her up and was carrying her and the alien child off . They walked up the ramp to a second sleek ship and the door closed behind them . As a child I had the most vivid dreams of flying . I seemed to be drawn to the idea of flight on many subconscious levels . My drawings were of birds , butterflies and angels . The outside games I most loved were climbing high in the trees and pretending to be a pilot or a fairy queen . When I suddenly became able to fly it was nothing like my dreams . In my dreams I had wings instead of arms . ( It 's funny how I never had to eat in my dreams . ) In reality , I seem to fly with just the thought to do so . At the age of fifteen I was diagnosed with a brain tumor . The doctors did surgery , but something went wrong . They used some new technology to save me . A few days later as I lay recovering , I had one of my flying dreams . I woke up to doctors and nurses trying to get me down from the ceiling . It wasn 't long before I could fly while I was awake . I can 't tell you how exhilarating it felt . This big blue marble we live on gets more and more beautiful the higher up you get . The doctors tried to figure out what they 'd done that made me able to fly . They even tried it on a bunch of people who asked them to who had the same kind of tumor I had . Nobody else ever could . Finally some laws were passed that made it illegal for the doctors to try it anymore after some of the people died or went insane . The people who survived became depressed because they couldn 't fly - even though they were cured and could go back to their happy lives . As you can imagine , my life changed drastically . It wasn 't long before everyone knew my name and what I could do . People started to have a lot of expectations about what I should and shouldn 't do . The doctors tried to get custody of me from my parents because they wanted to do surgery on me again and tests to see what they 'd done to my brain . Even though we won , my parents took me away and we went into hiding . Our new home was a whole new experience for me . We 'd lived in the city , but we moved across the country to the most rural place you can imagine . My parents grounded me from flying and that was torture . I know they wanted to protect me , but once you 've been in the air , it 's hard to go back to the ground . I wanted so badly to fly across the landscape and feel the clean wind whip through my hair that I ached with it . The people there knew who I was , but they accepted me when they saw that I was pretty normal . Once in a while , when I was pretty sure no one could see me , I did fly for a bit . Sometimes it was just to remember how to do it and other times I just needed to be alone with my thoughts and the wind . I guess I 'll never know why this happened to me . I 'd have been the world 's most normal person if I 'd never been able to fly . Its funny how sometimes getting what you thought you wanted the most turns out to be really different from what you 'd thought it would be . In my dreams it was always just me flying above the Earth feeling happy and carefree . I never dreamed that it would cause so many people to have bad feelings toward me or that it would make me feel so isolated . If I could share this glorious gift with everyone I would . To see the stars glittering above you and feel that you can reach out and touch them is so beautiful . I think that if more people could see it like I can ; there 'd be less fighting and selfishness . There 's enough for us all to share and it 's so magnificent . From up in the sky you can 't see the dirt and ugliness of some places . You also can 't see all the people . It all just looks so peaceful and majestic . Sometimes I 'm not sure if it 's worth it to keep my feet on the ground . When I see people fighting and arguing I want to fly off into the sky sometimes and never come back . Walking around seems so slow and boring - it takes so long for the scenery to change . Sure , it 's kept me safe and it 's allowed me to go back to living a pretty much private life , but there 's no exhilaration in it . Now I sit here trying to decide what the next phase in my life will be . It 's time for me to go away to college and to decide how I 'll live the rest of my life . Will I keep my feet on the ground and plot out a safe , happy future or will I take flight again and reach for dreams that may be beyond my grasp ? What would anyone else do in my place , I wonder ? Elaine waded deeper into the loch when she cocked her head and heard a lyrical sound , almost too beautiful to be singing . She turned and looked to locate the source of the music , but she couldn 't find it . It seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere . Her imagination conjured up images of mermaids crooning as they combed out their hair with combs made of seashells . She shook her head . It was silly nonsense . Her mind told her that there was some logical explanation while her heart begged for it to be magic of some kind . Reality wasn 't something she wanted to think about at the moment . She was alone , a widow at the age of twenty five . Her white knighted husband had been killed in the war a month ago . Going on vacation to Ireland was supposed to be a distraction , but her heart wasn 't distracted . A lump formed in her throat . Then she took a deep breath and looked around . The lilting sound still filled the air . It would drive her nuts until she found it . She became more determined to find the source . Somehow she felt that the music would haunt her if she didn 't find it . As she crawled around a large outcropped rock , her hands dug into the stone , trying to hold her balance . When she spied the source of the song , she gasped and her heart fluttered . There in a cave just above the water 's edge , a dragon sat singing . Her eyes went wide and she gasped . The orange dragon stopped in the midst of the tune and stared back at her , his emerald eyes fixing on her with a strange intensity . Elaine took a step back , intending to flee , but the dragon 's expression softened and he beckoned her in , leaning his head down in a gesture of calmness . Transfixed , she climbed inside , bound by her curiosity to see what was going on . " Sorry , I can 't help much with loneliness , " Elaine told him sympathetically . " I 'm pretty lonely myself . What 's your name ? " She smiled at him weakly . She had heard " sorry " a lot in the past month . She was tired of hearing it . " I wish the last month was all just a bad dream , " she admitted . She sat down . The dragon moved over and sat beside her , resting his arm about her possessively . He leaned down and whispered in her ear . " I felt that I was here in a bad dream myself until now . What if we were both meant to find each other to lead the way out of our own bad dreams ? What if my mermaid princess was named Elaine ? " She turned to him with wide eyes . Perhaps there was magic in the world . " I 'd be happy to be your mermaid if you 'd like to become my knight ! " I based this story off a poem I wrote a while ago . It was supposed to be for a project where an artist was going to draw images for me and it would be set on a background . The artist sort of flaked out on me and I couldn 't find someone else interested in doing pictures for it , so I thought I 'd just post it and let people somewhere read it . I hope it 's enjoyable . It morphed quite a bit from the original poem . Gertrude sighed as she read the invitation that had arrived by spider post and sat down in her favorite chair . Just the thought of the annual ball was depressing enough . Remembering the ball of the previous year was enough to make her cringe in embarrassment . If that weren 't bad enough , the scrying glass that sat upon the table beside her reflected the entire mortifying events right before her eyes . She 'd arrived , dressed in her finest gown . Her friend Minerva had been with her and they 'd been commenting on the usual things one noticed at the ball - what the others were wearing , the stuck up fairy godmothers in attendance , the handsome warlocks who stood on the sidelines drinking newt punch , and who might dance with whom . Things had been off to a wickedly delightful start . Unfortunately , things began to take a turn for the worse when Phineas of Rothskill arrived . Every female eye turned to admire the handsome warlock . It made no difference if the female was a witch , fairy godmother , siren or sorceress . One and all set up a soft sigh as he strode past . He stopped at the table for some eye of newt juice and asked Gertrude , who just happened to be standing near the table , if it was any good . She 'd smiled at him most winningly , and the other female eyes in the room turned green as they gazed upon her . When Phineas asked her to dance , a group of fairy godmothers concocted a plan . While Gertrude was whirling about the dance floor , the fairy godmothers hastily hatched a plot to get the handsome warlock to themselves . They mixed a little potion and waited for their chance . As Gertrude was led from the dance floor by Phineas , one of them slid the drink into her hand . After the heated whirl and crush of the dance floor , Gertrude was only too happy to take the frothy drink . She took a long draught and began to feel a bit light - headed , but she thought it was only the heat and excitement . She saw her friend Minerva from the sidelines . Minerva was probably the only one there at the ball that was happy for Gertrude . She had her eye on someone else , a shy wizard , so there was no competition from her . Phineas had led her outside and the cool air had helped a bit , but that was a brief respite . As they 'd reentered the festivities , someone had " accidentally " stepped on the hem of her gown . The black silk had ripped all the way up to her waist . Gertrude 's face had been mix of horror and embarrassment . Minerva had swooped in to assist her and they 'd swept off to a private room . After several attempts , the dress had been magically mended and they went back down to the ball . The next thing she knew , someone had tripped her and Gertie had not only broken the heel off her shoe , she 'd also spilled a drink on another handsome warlock as well as a sultry siren . She mumbled an embarrassed apology and looked for the source of her humiliation , but there was nobody to be found . Minerva led her off to a corner where they spent another half hour trying to fix her shoe . Twelve chimes sounded from a large clock , and Gertrude began to feel unwell . She found Phineas , surrounded by a bevy of fairy godmothers , and offered her apologies for leaving early . He smiled at her and promised to call on her soon . After that , she left with Minerva . The next morning , she 'd awoken to find that she 'd been turned into a hag overnight . No longer did her raven tresses gleam . A giant wart had popped up on her nose . Hairy warts covered her hands and her skin had taken on a green tint . Gertrude was horrified when she saw what she 'd become . Even worse , Phineas came to call before he departed for home and she had to tell him she was indisposed . She wept bitter tears as she hid behind the curtains of her room and watched him depart . He lived far away and she knew it would be some time before she saw him again . As soon as he was gone , she sent for Minerva . When Minerva arrived , she clucked and tutted over her friend . She inspected Gertie 's maladies and consulted her magical books . Finally , late that afternoon , she declared that Gertrude was the victim of fairy godmother magic . However , with time and careful spells , she believed it could be reversed . Minerva mixed potions and creams and her instructions were followed to the letter . Gertrude 's recovery was slow , but it continued . Still , word of her malady soon traveled across the land . It was certainly helped to that end by the group of fairy godmothers who had given her the curse . When word reached Phineas ' ear that Gertrude had fallen ill , he wrote her a letter and sent it to her , tied to the leg of his favorite hawk . Gertie 's heart soared when she read his words of concern . She penned a reply and sent it back . Soon Gertrude was enjoying weekly correspondence with the warlock . The arrival of his letter was always the bright spot of her week . Slowly , Minerva 's potions and creams were doing their magic as well , although Gertie worried that they wouldn 't give her a full recovery . She worried that when Phineas saw her again , he would be disappointed . Still , as the winter months drug by , a small kernel of hope sprouted in her heart and wouldn 't die . Phineas ' letters were constant and he seemed convinced of her beauty . Gertie was uncertain of her charm , but his letters were very ardent and persistent . He sent gifts and never mentioned the dastardly acts of the godmothers . As spring solstice grew near , Phineas sent her a letter with a question . Would she be attending the sirens ' Spring Cotillion ? He was hoping to make his way near the sea at that time and he had hopes of dancing with her if she was attending . Gertie 's stomach felt full of butterflies and bats . She desperately wanted to see him , but she was unsure about whether she 'd be cured in a month . Minerva waved a hand at her . She promised to do her best to make the potions do their work . Still , she reminded Gertrude that anyone who only cared about her looks was not worth so much fuss over . Gertie sighed and agreed . After brewing some potions , the two witches began plotting the dresses they would wear . Later that eve , Gertrude penned a reply to Phineas and told him that she 'd be there . A month later , Gertrude fretted the night before the dance . She paced her room and stared at her gown , made of violet silk and covered with gossamer spider webs . Her shoes were black with diamond buckles and pointy heels . Without a doubt , it was a dress finer than anything a fairy godmother had ever dreamed up . The dress alone would catch every wizard and warlock 's eye and still she worried that she wouldn 't be as fetching as Phineas of Rothskill remembered . Still , the next day , she donned her gown and slipped on her shoes . She pulled out her broom and when Minerva arrived they set off to the festivities by the sea shore . The sirens were known for putting on a fête that rivaled the witches ' ball and most of the young people who practiced any sort of magic attended . As they arrived , it was easy to see that the soiree would prove to be memorable . When they walked into the glittering cave of the siren 's dance hall a group of fairy godmothers gasped . They hadn 't expected to see Gertrude there and certainly not looking as rosy as she did instead of having a greenish tint . Many of the guests turned and gazed at her , surprised to see her looking so beautiful when they 'd heard rumors that she 'd been transformed for the worse . Before she knew what was happening , Phineas appeared at her elbow , smiling a devilish smile and handing her a black rose . He offered his hand and led her to the dance floor . Minerva sighed and drifted off to find a dance partner of her own . The fairy godmothers began to whisper amongst themselves heatedly . Many turned and watched the couple glide across the floor . As the party ended , Gertrude finally reluctantly went home , feeling as if the soles of her shoes might have worn off . She 'd danced and laughed and feasted to her heart 's content . Phineas had spent most of his time with her and she felt giddy with relief . She felt silly that she 'd worried at all , truth be told . As they parted , he promised that she 'd hear from him very soon . The spring bloomed into summer and Phineas continued to send her letters and come to visit her . Romance quickly blossomed between them and at Beltane he asked her to be his bride . Wedding plans were soon underway and they planned to have the nuptials on the day of the Witches ' Ball , to make the celebration more special . Of course , when the fairy godmothers heard of the upcoming union , they became a bit green themselves and they began to plot . If they couldn 't have Phineas , they weren 't going to make it easy on Gertrude . However , Gertie and Minerva were on to them . They enchanted the punch and hors d ' oeuvres so that anyone who spoke ill of the new bride would suffer a nasty surprise . The day of the wedding and ball finally arrived and Gertrude was a radiant sight . She donned a white silk gown trimmed with white owl feathers and a veil spun from pixie dust . Their union was blessed and then the ball started . Magical folk from near and far had all arrived to attend the wedding and ball and no one wanted to miss it . As the ball began , the godmothers gathered together , whispering to themselves and casting dark looks about . They began to spread gossip and soon many began to gaze at them in surprise . With every lie they told , their skin grew greener and hairy warts began to pop up on their arms . Wizards and warlocks began to give them a wide berth . Their tongues wagged for hours before they began to realize that something was amiss . Gertrude and Phineas left at the witching hour , happy to share their lives together . Just as they departed , fairy godmothers began to gasp in shock . The Witches ' Ball had been fun for almost one and all , but those who tried to make trouble paid the price . It was spoken of for years to come as Gertrude and Phineas went on to live happily ever after . Opening the front door of my mother 's home , the smell of something burning assaulted my nostrils and made my eyes tear up . I wondered to myself what disaster the relatives had concocted this time as I coughed on my way into the kitchen . The exciting sight I saw there will come back to me every time I go home . It was our first feast as a blended family and it was memorable . What I saw was a turkey coming out of the oven with flames shooting out . My stepbrother grabbed a fire extinguisher and before anyone could protest , he 'd sprayed the bird with foam . I guess it didn 't occur to him that the bird might still be edible after the fire , but it certainly wasn 't after he attacked it with the extinguisher . Pandemonium broke out . My uncle was there with his new camcorder and he gleefully recorded all the goings on . My mother began beating my stepbrother about the head and shoulders with the towel she 'd grabbed to put out the fire . My aunt was screeching like a chicken with its head cut off . The smoke detector was blaring . I began to cough and wheeze , my asthma protesting against the smoke and the foam . Our young cousin began to cry . Mother 's face was a mask of shock , anger and disbelief . It didn 't take long for my cousins to begin teasing my mother and the jokes went on and on . Eventually the clean up took place and the kitchen was restored to order . As the bird carcass was tossed in the trash , the jokesters realized that there was no main dish . There was no turkey , ham or roast beast . Worried looks began to be cast about the kitchen . It was a holiday and it wasn 't as if there would be a store open , and even if another turkey could be found , it would never be cooked in time . There would be no tight waistbands without a main course . That 's when my stepdad came to the rescue . He descended into the basement and soon reemerged with a smile . I wondered what he 'd done , but I had no clue . He announced that dinner would be served in half an hour . Twenty minutes later , I was beginning to worry . My mother was trying to put on a brave face as she got the rest of the food ready and on the table . I knew how important it was to her to make a good impression on everyone with the meal , however . I saw no sign of whatever my stepfather 's plan was . Five minutes later , he asked me to help him in the garage . I went out and was surprised to see that he 'd set up his deep fryer and was cooking a wild turkey he 'd shot that fall . He smiled as he entered the house carrying the golden bird . Then my cousin ran in front of him and the bird hit the floor . The pizza we ended up having turned out to be delicious . Brian glowered at his friend . Alduous was full of great ideas , and if this one had worked the right way , they would have been too big for the local bullies to pick on them and Laura Miller would have noticed him . However , as it now stood , he was about to be a feline morsel instead of the apple of Laura 's eye . He hated it when things didn 't go according to plan . Brian sat down with a huff . " Think of it this way , " Alduous explained . " When we get out of this and back to well , better than normal , you 'll be able to tell Laura about how you were the one who saved us . " Brian puffed up at the thought . He stood up and went to look out . The tabby looked huge . His Adam 's apple bobbed as he swallowed . He wiped sweat from his brow and then he was off . " Here , kitty , kitty , kitty , " he called as he ran . The cat was after him . Brian ran under the table and dodged between the chair legs with the cat in hot pursuit . Alduous ran the other way and into the other room . Brian hoped he was working fast . The cat ran around , watching him with her eyes . Before he knew it , the cat had him pinned between her paws . He felt his throat tighten and his heart thumped in his chest . The cat 's nose came close to his head as she sniffed him . " I 've got it , " Aldous crowed . The sound of the machine working carried to Brian 's ears . He breathed a sigh of relief . He 'd already learned his lesson , though . You never know when you 'll be on the other side . Mariel had a fleeting thought - I was duped - - as she walked down the aisle at the animal shelter . She 'd gotten a postcard with a picture of two adorable kittens sleeping in tea cups at a fortuitous moment . Her long - time beau had moved out and after a week that felt like months she 'd realized that he wouldn 't be coming back . It was really for the best , but coming home had become something she 'd dreaded . That postcard had come in the mail and it brought a realization with it . She loved animals but Pete had been allergic to them , so she 'd lived without , even though her heart swelled when she 'd get to hold a cute little kitten . This would be something that she could have that she 'd denied herself for a long time . Now she was having misgivings . There were no cute kittens in tea cups here . The woman at the front desk had informed her that there were several adult cats . Kittens would be abundant in the next few months but there were none there at the moment . Mariel didn 't want to wait , though . She needed a reason to come home every night now . So , they 'd headed off to the cat barn . She hadn 't been prepared for the walk though the dog kennel however . The racket when they 'd stepped in had been deafening . After a few moments the din had died down and they started their walk through . Mariel told herself not to look . It was an impossible command to follow . She heard a soft whine and turned to see a speckled border collie gazing at her with eyes seemed too keen . She slowed her pace . Then she made eye contact with a dog that didn 't bother to get up . His black coat was dull and his eyes looked infinitely tired . It struck a chord with her . She couldn 't walk past . Before she knew what she was doing , she 'd stopped and knelt in front of his cage . Her fingers wrapped through the wire . He thumped his tail on the floor once for her and he let out a sigh . They walked into the cat room . Surprisingly , there weren 't many cats there . Every one of them seemed completely indifferent to her . For some reason , the rejection brought stinging tears to her eyes . Was she that unlovable ? She tried to swallow the lump in her throat . She couldn 't burst into tears here in front of a stranger . Her face grew hot with mortification . Mariel blinked at the woman as she was startled out of her self - pity . Hearing the woman say it was almost like being given permission . She nodded at the woman and stood up . The irony wasn 't lost on Mariel . It had to be meant to be . She signed the paperwork and walked out the door with two new reasons to come home , even if they didn 't fit into teacups . |
A place where writers who love crime fiction and horror can discuss different facets of writing , and the various components that make up a story . Readers are more than welcome too . Let 's discuss what you like to see in these tales of mystery , suspense and terror . Included also will be news about upcoming contests , links to great crime , noir , and horror tales , and a review or two . I stepped out into the frigid cold , instinctively I cowered into the depths of my heavy coat , shoving bare hands deep into its pockets . I couldn 't remember if I wiped down with my sleeve whatever I had touched , but there couldn 't have been that much . After all , I was only inside a minute or two . I was sure no one saw me , especially with this near - blizzard snowfall going on . Most people are safe and warm at home on this dreadful night . I would have been too if the evil man hadn 't taken it from me . It was supposed to be mine . I needed it to be mine . But , he wouldn 't give it up , so I took it . And now it is . Mine . It wasn 't my fault , but I 'm sure you know that . If he had just given to me what was rightfully mine , I wouldn 't have had to follow him home to confront him about it . He kept trying to push me back outside and saying he was going to call the police and have me arrested . Arrested ? Me ? For what ? Taking what was meant to be mine to begin with ? No . I tried to reason with him , but he wouldn 't listen . He pushed me really hard against the wall by the door , and so I hit him in the head with the ashtray on the small table by his front door three - - - one , two , three times . It was all his fault though , but I 'm sure you know that . When I got back to my flat , I took one last peek over my shoulder , but I hadn 't been followed . I took it from my pants pocket , where it had been brought safely to its new home , and I placed it with the other two . Then , they were three - - - one , two , three . I should be calmer now , but I am not certain how to work my way through the events of today . All should have been complete this evening , but the evil man almost ruined everything . When I went out to the grocery this morning and I passed the novelty shop on the corner , I saw them and knew they had to be mine . One was red , one was blue and one was green . I went into the shop and I asked the man behind the counter how much he wanted for them all . There were three - - - one , two three of them , you see . He told me they were the last of their kind and once he sold them , there would be no more . He wanted $ 10 for the whole set because he told me that they play a little tune when you use them . I told him I didn 't care about any little tune . I just needed to have them all , but I didn 't have all of the $ 10 . I asked the man if I could get two of them and come back this evening for the other and he said that would be fine . I was so excited . I took the red one and the blue one home and put them on a stand I made for them and it was so sad because there was one empty place . But not for long . It had already begun to snow , but I needed to get the rest of the $ 10 , so I locked up my flat with all three - - - one , two , three locks because you just never knew about people . My landlady is the only one I ever allow in my flat to see all my sets , and she promised she wouldn 't tell anyone that I had them . They are all such beautiful and perfect things . Three - - - one , two , three in all of them . I have china dolls , I have pens and pencils , I have mugs , I have drinking glasses ( although I would never drink out of them ) , and so many others . All the same - - - all the last of their kind - - - all sets of three - - - one , two , three - - - all mine . And one empty space . So sad . By the time I got outside , it was already hard to see with the snow coming down so heavily . Even though it was so cold , I decided to walk to the train station to get the rest of the money that I needed . The train station was a long walk for me , but I was certain I would be able to get the rest of the money I needed there , especially today . When the weather was bad , a lot more people were in the train station and they were all in such a hurry and not calm and it was easy for me to get some money . Sometimes people would just give me money if I asked them for it after I explained that I needed it to complete a set of three - - - one , two , three . Other times though , I had to take it from them because I needed it to complete my sets and they didn 't . When I got there this time , there was so many people , and they were all in such a hurry and running around . No one was being very nice and I didn 't want to take the time to explain why I needed it , so I decided to just take it . There was a woman on Track 9 standing by herself talking on one of those phones you can take out of your house and still talk . I walked up behind her , pulled her purse off her arm and stabbed her three - - - one , two , three times with the nice sharp knife I take with me when I go out because you just never know about people . When you do it from behind them , you don 't get any of their blood on your clothes , which is a good thing because then you 'd have to take your coat off before you could go anywhere else , and I couldn 't do that . I only had three - - - one , two , three coats on and there was no way I could have taken one off , but you already knew that . I pushed her down onto the tracks and no one even noticed . People never do when they are in such a hurry and running around . I took her wallet and dropped her purse onto the tracks and went outside and saw that there would be enough money for me to get it . I practically ran to the novelty shop and I was ready to get it so I could complete my set , but the evil man was in there and he already had it in hiThe longer the green one is where it belongs with the other two , the calmer I am beginning to feel . All is never right with the world until there are three - - - one , two , three . I am truly enjoying looking at my new yo - yo 's . I wonder if someone else will be taking over the novelty shop soon . I didn 't have to wait too long after the last time this happened … In case you are not familiar with it yet , let me clue you in on a new ( to me , anyway ) site . It 's Inkit , and it is a community for writers and readers alike . As a writer , you can post your work and receive feedback from the community . As a reader , you can enjoy the work of some very talented individuals in a variety of forms and genres , then provide your input and support . What 's going on over at Inkitt on any given day ? More than you can imagine . And last , but most certainly not least , the specific Writing Contests . Currently , there are six running , each with no entry fee . For specifics , click on the description . Hello . I 'm so happy you decided to stop by to visit . I 'm always interested in meeting new people . Please sit down , dear , and I 'll make you a cup of hot cocoa . That 's always a nice treat on a chilly winter 's day . Let me begin by telling you a bit about myself . My complete Christian name is Henrietta Marjorie Corcoran . I am 62 years old and a retired school teacher . I was married to Mr . Kenneth David Corcoran for going on 40 years . He passed on , oh my , it 's already been 10 years now . He was such a good man - - responsible , hard - working , honest , and so helpful to anyone who needed it . We bought the house on Maple Trail a year after we were married and the mister and I lived there together up until he died , and then I stayed on alone right up until all this bad business with the neighbors . Mr . Corcoran had always taken pride in his garden . The problem really began when his arthritis took a real hold on him . He was always in a terrible amount of pain whenever he tried to use his hands and he got so he just decided to give up , I think . He stopped tending his flowers and vegetables and the darn weeds just took over and turned it ugly . I never cared much for gardening , so I did the only thing I could do to rid the yard of that ugly patch . After I disposed of Mr . Corcoran , I paid some high school boys a few dollars to dig up all those unsightly growths and set them out for the trash men to see to . Mr . Corcoran fit nicely in our deep freeze out in the shed so it really wasn 't any trouble at all . Everyone else in the cove had kept their lots up ; I couldn 't let ours be the exception . Life went along swimmingly until that terrible woman moved in next door . My good friend , Helen , who had lived in that house , had fallen down her basement stairs a couple of months before , and her son sold it on the first offer . He hadn 't even met the woman who bought his mother 's house - - did it all with lawyers . That 's how communities go to the dogs , you see . There 's no direct contact between buyer and seller , and you think a decent human being will now be residing in your dead mother 's home , but instead , what moves in is just plain trash , pure and simple , It 's funny how you take care of one problem and along comes another right behind it . Helen was as sweet as pie until she fell under the spell of the drink . She stopped trimming her grass and bushes and when she put out her cans on pick - up day , they overflowed onto the sidewalk . That 's when I decided she needed a reminder of how a good neighbor keeps up with their own . She wasn 't able to keep up with our conversation so I decided she should probably surrender responsibility for the house . The stairs were quick and quiet . When her son came and did all the trimming , I thought things would get back to the way they should be , but then he sold it to that horrible woman . Cars parking all over the front yard on an the sidewalk during her Saturday night get - togethers . That 's what she called them when I went over to welcome her to the neighborhood and try to explain how things were . She laughed at me - - at me , and called me awful names and tried to push me out the door . This was not a fit individual for our community , and measures needed to be taken . When she turned to go back into the kitchen , I picked up the knife that was laying on top of some boxes . They 're very useful for cutting through packing tape , you know . Anyway , I pushed the knife in sort of off center toward her left shoulder and she went down without a sound . It wasn 't hard either . That was just the right spot . But , how was I to know one of her men from last night 's get - together was still there and saw the whole thing . Most unfortunate . And so , here we are now . They put me in this cramped little room to wait . All this time to wait . For what ? For them to give me a shot so they can put me to sleep like you do to a dog or a cat or something . And why ? All because I tried to do the right thing . Listen , hon , when you tell my story , please make sure you let everyone know that I was only trying to keep things clean and safe in my community . That 's all . Just trying to be a good neighbor . Let me introduce myself . Name 's Jukebox Johnny . Folks call me " jukebox ' since these feet don 't go near a joint unless there 's a box of tunes in it . And , ' Johnny ' ? Well , that 's my name . My partner ? He goes by ' Dim Tim ' . Before you get your nose out of joint , that ain 't a put - down , like I 'm saying he 's a dummy . He is a dummy , but he follows orders good , and he 's got a punch like those rods the dicks use when they 're raiding Mr . G 's game parlors . It don 't hurt his feelings , since no one knows better than Tim what a low watt he is . Let me tell you about Mr . G . He 's the man - - really , and Tim and I work for him . See , Mr . G don 't like to get his hands dirty , so when somebody needs a lesson taught or a remind made , that 's where we come in . There 's one other thing about Mr . G . He has a different sense of humor and has to get the last laugh . How ? Cross him , and he 'll have your lips removed and put in a jar . I heard he keeps the jars somewhere in his office . I 've never seen them , but my sources are good . Back to figuring out how this day ended up so fucked . The job was simple enough . Mr . G hired a floater to pick up his cash . Now , a floater don 't belong to one crew ; he just does for whoever . Trouble with this one , Artsy Arty , he hadn 't done much for anyone to build a rep , so he was kind of taken on cold . See ? Why ' Artsy Arty ' ? No matter what the job , if some beatnick lumped up some clay or dripped paint on a bed sheet and set it up on a corner . Arty 'd stop and scope it out . Shows , they call them , but it 's nothing but crap really . But Arty couldn 't pass them up , so he 's ' Artsy ' Arty . And ' Arty ' ? Probably just his name . So , he decided to get Mr . G 's cash , but not do the deliver part . Word went around that this mo was going to skip with Mr . G 's green , so all the crews did a hands off . Until he could connect with some ijit who didn 't have the sense God gave him not to help somebody who 'd cross Mr . G , he figured he 'd just stash the bills in a locker . We were sent to get the cash . Tim and me were having a cup of joe at the diner on Fifth , and out of the storage place , comes Arty , balls of steel , like he 's taking a stroll down the lane . We come up on him and damn , if there wasn 't a shitload of that fuckin ' hippie crap all out on the sidewalk . There was also a boatload of people , so Arty blends . I went in one end and Tim in the other , thinking we 'll meet up with Arty in the middle . To be straight , it was tough to focus because the junk was all hands . Yep . I said hands . Pictures of hands , sculptures of hands , snapshots of hands - - nothing but hands . That tic in my left eye started to come back , when I saw Tim grab Arty and move him to the street . Just then , this punk pushed his way by , jumped in a cab and yelled for the driver to get him to the airport fast . Sorta wish I had a plane to catch about now . . . Where was I ? Oh yeah . We took Arty someplace quiet . Couldn 't figure him because he should 've been pissin ' his pants , but he kept laughing . Laughing when Tim nabbed him , all the way to the warehouse , and while standing on a chair with a rope around his neck . Tim and I both had frisked him good , but no key , and he wouldn 't spill . Went right from the storage place to the hand show to the chair . So , what did he do with the locker key ? I guess I got kinda excited because I jiggled the chair too hard and his feet slipped off and , well , bad news for Arty . But , worse news for Tim and me . No Mr . G 's money . So , now , we sit , Tim and I , in Mr . G 's office . Trying to figure out what to say so we can save our skin - - well , not our skin , exactly . I touched my lips with my fingers so I 'd remember them later , when I heard Tim laugh . Now , I have as much of a sense of humor as the next fella , but what the fuck was so funny ? I admit , there are times when I wish I wasn 't so much of a sophisticate as I am , and was just a short stack like Tim . Maybe then , I wouldn 't be shaking in my fucking shoes . He told me he remembered how he found Arty , all over a sculpture of a hand - like feeling it up . Sorry , I didn 't get the joke , until Tim corrected himself . Arty wasn 't making his move on a hand . It was a fist . Okay then . What the fuck . . . Arty was feeling up a . . . a fist ? Fuck me until a week from Tuesday . That 's what he did with the motherfucking key . He put it in the fist . All we had to do now was go to the corner , slide the key outa the fist , and get the money . I stood up , and was gonna say we needed to go before Mr . G came , when Tim started laughing harder . Said he didn 't understand people , like that chump who almost knocked me down . How he grabbed the fist , threw money down , and jumped in that cab . I sat back down . Abner Fendal felt like he hadn 't eaten for days . He couldn 't remember the last time he had been this hungry . Sissy had scolded him severely the last time she came by to check on him and had found his refrigerator and cupboards to be empty . He really didn 't like it very much when she went through his things . Her nosing around in his kitchen was violation enough ; but when she did her , as she called them , inspections on his living room , bathroom and bedroom , it was all he could do to restrain himself from telling her to leave and never come back . He knew she would have never have tolerated his behaving that rudely , and would most likely have retaliated by forcing him to move back in with her and her family . Abner really enjoyed being his own person and having his own place and had decided long ago never to do or say anything that might make Sissy question his ability to live independently . If she just didn 't always touch everything . . . Mother had known the value in having one 's own personal bits of life . That 's what she had always called them - - bits of life . The few times she had come upon him in her room when he had disobeyed her and tried to touch some of the pieces in her special box , she had explained to him how evil it was to put your hands on other people 's special things . Evil it was , because it resulted in your taking a bit of the life from them for yourself . She would then lock him in that dark little room in the basement that Daddy had built special for naughty boys - - the one that had the voice coming through the wall telling him over and over what a bad boy he really was . After a couple of days , she would retrieve him , give him his bath and a hearty meal . That was the best part , Abner remembered with a smile . When the door opened and she was standing there with her arms reaching out for him - the voice had stopped by then , and he would run to her for his good - boy - now hug and kisses . When Mother had come to retrieve Daddy after having locked him in the dark room for being a naughty boy , he hadn 't run to her for his good - boy - now hug and kisses . Mother said he he hadn 't run to her at all . Abner had never seen Daddy again after that . Mother said he wasn 't strong like Abner and told Abner not to think about Daddy ever again . Soon , Daddy 's things began disappearing from around the house and memories of him began to fade . Abner was happy to see them go . Mother was right . He was the strong one . And would always be . For Her . Abner remembered how Mother had never paid much mind to Sissy . She had been fed and cared for alright as was expected , but Mother had never taken her on their special outings or given her a special box , nor had she ever explained to Sissy how to take care of the treasures stored within . When Mother had died so long ago in her bed , Abner had taken her special box for his own and hidden it from Sissy . He had taken each item in his hands and felt the life flow into him from each one ; a necklace , a small comb , a bottle cap , an ink pen - - so many bits of life that she had gathered . Sissy would have questioned where each item had come from , and would never have understood Mother 's and his special times together . He had kept his special box hidden from her all these years and wasn 't about to let her spoil everything now . At least Sissy checked on him on the same day at the same time so he could make sure his special box was secure from her prying eyes . But she was getting suspicious lately since he had forgotten to keep food in the house and when she got that way , she would open drawers and closets and look under and behind and pull out and push in . . . Abner shuddered , barely able to picture the horror of it all . He made up his mind that after work today , he would stop at Mr . Granger 's grocery on the corner and pick up a few things to put in the refrigerator and the cupboards . When Sissy came by next time , she would look and touch and violate , but she would be satisfied and go away . Abner looked at the wall clock above the stove . Time to finish my breakfast , clean up and get on to work . Abner enjoyed his job at the flower shop . Sissy 's husband had arranged for him to work there so he could get his own little place and wouldn 't have to be under foot there with them . That 's what he had said to Abner , ' under foot ' , and Abner hadn 't really understood what he had meant by that , but didn 't think it was nice . Didn 't matter though . Abner had his job watering the plants out back and got his pay every week and was able to pay for his own place . It was small , but it was his , and that was all that mattered , and he wasn 't ' under foot ' anymore . Maybe he would ask Mr . Granger what that meant when he went to pick up some groceries , if he remembered to do it . Maybe he would . Abner washed and dried all the dishes , frying pan and silverware and put them all away . He wiped down the table and counters and took a step back to admire a job well done . Perfect , he thought , absolutely . The people who live here will never know that I was here . One last chore though . He had to find a little bit of life here to take with him just as he and Mother had done on their outings . Abner looked around the living room and made his way over to a desk that was placed next to a large picture window . The sun was peeking in through the slit in the curtains and something shiny on the corner of the desk caught his eye . When he saw it , he knew this was it - - this was the bit of their lives he would take , a large gold paper clip . Abner thought it probably was used as some type of book place - keeper or stack of paper binding , but it was so beautiful and shiny . As he held it in his hands , he felt the lives and thought again of Mother and how he missed her on this , and all his outings . But , no time for that now . He needed to hurry so as not to be late for his job . He exited the house as he had entered , through an unlocked window in one of the back bedrooms . People should really keep their homes more secure , he thought , all my windows are always locked . Sissy 's visit this week was most annoying . While she was nosing around Abner 's own personal home , looking under and around , pushing and grabbing , touching and shaking , she kept talking . Talking and talking and talking - - all about some person who was breaking into people 's own personal homes and taking their own personal things and then killing whoever lived there . This was a dangerous and disturbed person , she kept saying , someone who did not belong in civilized society , someone who should be locked away somewhere forever , somewhere dark and cold . Abner just sat in his own personal living room chair , closed his eyes and kept trying to block her out , but it was so hard because she just would never stop talking about it . She said it was all over the newspapers , but told Abner that he should be glad he didn 't know how to read because the details were just too terrible to get in your head . Well , Abner thought , if the details are just too terrible to get in your head , why are you telling me about them ? He thought perhaps Sissy deep down enjoyed these ' just too terrible ' details a little and that was why she kept going on and on about them . At least whatever it was she was going on and on about kept her from staying too long in his own personal home . She said she didn 't feel safe being out and about and was planning to go home and lock her house up tight and strongly suggested he stay home and do the same . There was no work for him that day , and since he did have food in the house ( stopping at Mr . Granger 's grocery had been the right thing to do ) , he should just lock his doors and windows and stay put . She got a telephone call on that little phone she carried in her pocket and told Abner something had come up and she had to run . He never thought he 'd be grateful to a little blue thing in Sissy 's pocket , but since it made her go away , he certainly was . He wondered if someday maybe he could get one of those little blue things for his pocket so he could get telephone calls , but quickly dismissed the idea . Any telephone calls he got would probably be from Sissy anyway , and that wouldn 't be enjoyable - - not enjoyable at all . After Sissy had gone , Abner dressed for dinner . He wan 't sure what he had a taste for this evening , but was certain one of the homes on Ranford Street would have something he would enjoy preparing . The families on Ranford Street all gathered each Friday evening for an outdoor meal at the park on the corner of Harcourt ; some type of neighborhood thing . Abner was happy he had never become part of the neighborhood thing . All those people talking to each other all the time and shaking hands over and over - - all that touching and taking a bit of life away each time . No . It was better on your own , as Mother had taught him ; just take a bit of life here and there and that 's all you 'll ever need . Oh , how he wished Mother could see him now . Dinner was spectacular , Abner was so proud of himself . The hot roast beef sandwiches he had prepared , along with the mashed potatoes and potato salad , made him feel all warm and cozy inside . That , along with the freshly brewed coffee and chocolate cake , made the evening perfection . He wanted to have his dinner in private so he moved the bodies of the Mother , the Daddy and the two little boys into their respective bedrooms and tucked them soundly in their beds . Blood had splattered everywhere , but Abner had found a mop and some bleach , and things were all spic - n - span in no time . They should have joined in the neighborhood thing at the park on the corner of Harcourt . They really should have . Abner washed and dried the dishes , as was his duty and put everything away . He wasn 't certain if this family might be missed at the neighborhood whatever - it - was , so he tried not to dawdle . Now , only to search for , and find , the perfect bit of life from these people . What could it be ? While riding home on the cross - town bus , Abner kept his right hand in his pocket , resting on his treasure . He had never seen a snow - globe that small before , and it had such a lovely and serene scene . He wondered how anyone could craft such a perfect little cottage with a white picket fence and leafy oak trees on either side . When it was shaken and the snow fell , it became a magical winter wonderland that Abner knew he would be able to enjoy for hours at a time . Lots of life in this one ; he tightened his grip on it . Lots of life . As Abner approached his front door , he noticed it slightly ajar . That is not possible , he thought , my doors and windows are always securely locked - - both when I am in and when I am out . How is that possible ? He went around to the side and , as quietly as he could , entered through the kitchen side door . He heard drawers being opened and cupboard doors being slammed shut . Someone was here - - someone - - looking around and under , pushing and pulling , seeing and touching , knowing . . . He looked around the corner into the living room and saw a man throwing the couch cushion on the floor . " Well , well , well , if it isn 't the retard , " the man began . " I 've been watching you , retard , watering your plants down the street and shuffling your way home every night . I was hoping your bitch would be here tonight so I could have some fun with her before I put her down . She doesn 't come around too often , does she ? What is she , your aunt or your cousin ? She sure couldn 't be your girlfriend , a retard like you couldn 't get anything as fine as all that . " " She is my sister " he said angrily . " She deserves to be spoken about with respect . She comes weekly to check on my well - being and to inspect my own personal home , and it is a bother to me , but do not speak that way about her . Sissy is a good person and she wants me to keep being on my own so I am not under foot in her house , whatever that means . Who are you and why are you messing up my own personal home ? Sissy will not be happy about that . Not happy at all . " " Well , fuck me , and then some . " The man got to his feet . " You 're not just a regular retard , you 're stone - cold brain dead . Let me tell you what I want , mister - under - foot - sissy - boy - piece - of - shit . I want whatever valuables you have stashed in this hole , because people always leave expensive jewelry and shit like that to fuckers like you because they know you won 't know to hock it . Then , I 'm going to enjoy watching you die just like I always enjoy watching them die . But you , especially , Danny Boy , you especially , " The man didn 't so much see the blade coming as sensed it ; but , of course , by then , it was a little too late . He was surprised at the lack of pain as it was pulled across his throat . He felt only warmth - - gentle and soothing , covering him like a lover 's embrace . His last thought was that this was probably the way one felt as one were dying . Abner was very excited . Today 's breakfast was going to be hash brown potatoes , fried eggs , toast and butter , sausage and bacon . He decided to go all out this morning . Sissy had come by yesterday afternoon and issued her stamp of approval , and he wouldn 't have to see her again for another week . After got the coffee maker going , he decided to have a look around . Lots of bits of life here , he thought , from lots of lives too , and he would take them all . He would take them and hide them and keep them all safe from harm . They were , after all , his and no one else 's . That terrible man thought he could take Abner 's personal bits of life , but Mother had taught him well . Finder 's keepers . . . Abner decided to sit and watch the television for awhile . He didn 't have one at his own personal home and liked to watch the programs once in awhile during his special outings . He had the time . There was no work for him at the flower shop today , and the terrible man had , after all , been considerate enough to be carrying a wallet with his name and address . It was an adequate enough place , Abner thought , and besides , it wasn 't like the man would be coming home . . . " Yes , Jamison , I understand . But , a simple thanks would have been sufficient . Maybe even a couple would have been acceptable , but this is too much . " " Mitch , " Jamison began , speaking in the tone generally reserved for jumpers perched on the ledge of the 40th floor of a high - rise . " This fellow of yours is obviously some sort of neurotic who feels compelled to continue to demonstrate his appreciation . Besides , how much longer can it go on ? Give him a few more days and I 'm sure it will wear thin . Got to run . Meeting Charlese for drinks . Chin up . " Click . I never should have confided in that poor excuse for a human , but I was out of options . My mother suggested I invite him over for a rousing game of canasta . Of course , my mother had knitted an afghan covered with the faces of sheep for Ted Bundy to use on Death Row since she was certain he wouldn 't be able to get a good night 's rest there . My lady , who I was planning to propose to on the day this all began , had been stronger than I had given her credit for , but she eventually came to the conclusion that I was certifiable and took out a restraining order on me . I was alone ; a cornered animal being poked with a sharp stick . Jamison said to give him a few more days . It had already been 12 days , 9 hours , 54 minutes , and . . . yes , I am counting the seconds too . I poured another Scotch , my . . . who the hell cares . I lost count hours ago . I sat back , took a long slow sip of its soothing warmth , closed my eyes , and remembered how the nightmare began . It was a bit after one in the afternoon on a bright sunny day - the last bright sunny day I would ever have , and I was on my way back to my office . I had popped in to the printer to pick up a presentation and had stopped at the crosswalk . I was soon joined by a young man in a bargain basement suit , who obviously had never seen the inside of a gentleman 's barber shop . We exchanged brief nods , and when the walk command flashed , he seemed to lunge into the street , as if his immediate presence anywhere could be that necessary . His thoughts must have been on the contents of the burger bag he was carrying , because he didn 't see the black sedan coming straight for him , or the police car on its tail , but I did . I grabbed him by the collar of his dollar store dress shirt and pulled us both back as they careened around the corner . We landed in a heap against the newspaper stand . I stood up , straightened my tie and reached down to lend him a hand , and he took it into both of his , got to his feet and began to cry . Now , I am as caring as the next man , but display of raw emotion makes me very uncomfortable . I asked him if he was hurt and he replied he was not , but his emotions were flowing freely because I had saved his life . I had literally plucked him from the jaws of death , and he knew from that moment onward , he was going to spend the rest of his life showing his thankfulness for my grand gesture . I told him that wasn 't necessary , but to no avail . That was the moment my life , as I had known it , came to a screeching halt . Morning , night , weekday , or weekend , if not in the sanctity of my office or living room , he was there . He was always there . Buying my coffee . Picking up my newspaper . Carrying my dry - cleaning . Catching the check for dinner . Nothing I said could dissuade him - it was like being haunted with no hope of an exorcism . ' Thank you ' , ' thank you ' , ' thank you ' - that 's all he ever said . Jamison said to give him a few more days . Can 't do it . In a few more days , I 'll be looking for a bullet to eat . As we journeyed to my office this morning , him holding my Journal and a latte , he said tonight we 'd be going to his place so he could give me something I would never forget . I knew what I had to do . He would never forget what I gave him either . One last ' you 're welcome ' . As we left the elevator heading to his door , I noticed the place seemed deserted . Perfect , since I had made up my mind to strike as we entered . Quick and quiet . I reached into my briefcase and eased out the carving knife I had brought from home . My only fear was that if anyone ever said ' thank you ' to me again , I 'd go postal . Yet , finishing this once and for all might give me some closure . He seemed so animated as he swung his door open - it almost seemed a shame to rain on his parade , but I plunged the blade in with a ferocity I hadn 't felt before . Again and again . He finally went down , having staggered completely inside . I quickly shut the door and felt for the light switch . It was over . I was finally free . The sight that assaulted my eyes didn 't quite register for a moment . Colored balloons and banners strung across the room : ' THANK YOU - - THANK YOU - - THANK YOU . . . ' I believe the defining moment was when I saw the people , Jamison and Charlese at the forefront next to our CEO , all standing in a semi - circle , all shouting ' surprise ' . Even the cop who had his morning coffee at the newsstand near my building was there . He was giving me a party . Something I would never forget . The bastard . I figured things couldn 't get any worse so I kicked him in the head . Really hard . Maybe I should have had a bullet for lunch after all . . . Ralph noticed the room was chilly , and sparsely furnished . He supposed that it was probably intentional on the part of the decorator since no one actually spent very much time in here while they were waiting . The waiting - - now , that was the worst part . Listening to the ticking of the clock , wondering what it will feel like when the chemicals start coursing through your veins , wondering what it 's like when you cross over to the other side . . . In anticipation of the commencement of that final journey , Ralph leaned back against the splintered slats of the wooden chair that had been provided for him , gazed indifferently at the colorless walls , and his thoughts began to drift back to where it all began . Ralph Debumarsey picked up his cigarette from the ashtray and took a long , deep drag . He leaned back in his chair , closed his eyes and blew the smoke out of his mouth in quick , short puffs . He could feel the sun 's warmth on his face as it shone brightly through the window directly in front of his desk . He had opened the curtains all the way , as he always did when he was writing his column . His column ? There 's a laugh . No such thing as ' his column ' here in Swaying Falls . The columns were written , the advertisements were strategically placed , and the local news was ready to roll . Anonymity seemed to be the catchword in this burg , Ralph thought , God forbid the folks knew the reporter 's name . Like his having a byline would violate national security . . . And , what was with calling this outpost of the damned ' Swaying Falls ' ? First and foremost , no falls of any size or shape were visible for hundreds of miles . As far as the swaying crap was concerned , trying to figure that out made Ralph 's head hurt . Feeling the sun on his face while he was typing helped him to fantasize that he was somewhere else , anywhere else , preparing the final draft of the hottest story his newspaper had ever run . Next to him was a FAX machine that he would use to send it on to his editor , who was waiting on his end , planning to run it down to the presses to make the midnight deadline . His story would headline the morning edition and the calls and telegrams would start pouring in as soon as the paper hit the streets . He would be congratulated for getting the scoop no one else could or had , and his colleagues would regard him with awe at the tremendous personal risks he had taken to get the story in the first place . Just another day in the life of a newsman , he would respond to them all , just another normal day , and he would smile that haunting smile of his , get into his Jag , and head out to his next assignment . Maybe a nuclear missile site in Beirut ? Perhaps a revolutionary camp in Central America ? Or what about right here in downtown Swaying Falls covering a bank robber who was wearing a bomb and holding a pregnant teller hostage in a second story suite of the Main Street Hotel ? Yeah . Uh - huh . Right . Ralph began to laugh out loud , and then caught himself . Crazy people laugh to themselves out loud , he thought , and I 'm not quite there yet ; the day was still young though . He looked at the paper in his typewriter , and wasn 't terribly surprised to see it was still blank . The ' hot ' story he had to crank out in time to meet his editor 's ( the owner of the town 's only general store , Chester Mankowsky ) deadline ( whenever Chester decided to close the store and go home for dinner ) so as to appear in the first edition ( the only edition , that became available whenever Chester finished running off a couple hundred copies on his two hundred year old printing press ) was difficult to put into words . After all , it wasn 't every day that Spengler 's Feed Store began to carry a brand of feed previously available only in the state of New York . What a coup for Jeremy Spengler and frankly , for Swaying Falls . That will put us on the map , Ralph thought . Hopefully , anyway , since we aren 't on any maps at present . He had to laugh again at that . Well , at least he could still laugh . He figured if the day ever came when he couldn 't find any humor in how ridiculous this town , and even himself , were , he 'd probably end up in the loony bin . Not that that would be such a drastic change . . . Ralph decided to heat up another cup of instant on his hot plate . Mrs . Franovsky technically didn 't allow hot plates in her rooming house , but she had never said anything to Ralph about it . He was sure Mrs . Franovsky kinda had the hots for him . Kinda . Maybe ? No . Not really . Truth was , Ralph kept peculiar hours mostly , and his esteemed landlady wasn 't too crazy about climbing all those stairs to reach Ralph 's loft to say much of anything to him . Loft ? There was another laugh . Ralph 's digs were what had once been a large attic used for storage . The ceiling was level almost all the way around , but in one of the corners , there was a low spot where Ralph had to duck down to get to his small bookcase . He wasn 't sure why it had been built that way since the roof did slant in from the outside in that spot and made the house look lopsided , but , since beggars couldn 't be choosers , he simply adjusted . After all , it was a clean , quiet place to live , and he was able to pretty much keep to himself . Not that Swaying Falls was exactly a real estate developer 's dream . Most of the folks lived in small pre - fab homes scattered in and around town , or in the town 's one apartment complex . Right . Apartment complex ? It was one building with eight units in it . While they were cozy , two - bedroom apartments , they were inhabited primarily by twenty - something 's in transition . Their transition being having graduated from high school and not really having any plans to attend community college or begin a career in the family business in town , whatever that may be . They wanted to get out from under mom and pop and have their own place so they could come and go at all hours . They would drive the two plus hours to the city to find work where they could make a decent salary , then come back to Swaying Falls and pay next to nothing in rent and living expenses . This was done , not for any noble reason like saving to buy a home and settle there and begin to give back to their community . Oh no . True , they did save what money they didn 't spend on liquor and partying , but that was so they could afford what they considered a real apartment in the city . When they could afford to move , they did just that , at record - breaking speed frankly , and neither looked nor came back . This town was dying , Ralph knew that . Unfortunately , there wasn 't a whole lot anybody could do about it . He had had his chance a lifetime ago . He had been young , had saved his money and had left Swaying Falls for the big city life and his dream of a career as a newspaper reporter . He possessed good instincts and a flare for the dramatic . He knew he would have to start at the bottom and work his way up , but all he needed was the chance to prove himself to an editor and he would be on his way . When he first arrived , he had picked up a newspaper and checked out the classified for a room to rent . He was surprised to find how many there were ; most of which were in the most expensive section of the city . Since he had his own car and didn 't have to be concerned with public transportation , he decided he would seek a place to stay in one of the gated communities that skirted the downtown area . Every room that he checked out though was inside the glitzy home of a widow or a divorcee , who was looking for just a little bit more than a paying border . Never really having pictured himself as a ' boy - toy ' , Ralph had felt extremely uncomfortable during each application process . Whether he was employed or had a steady paycheck always seemed irrelevant . He could feel their hungry eyes groping every inch of him as he tried to present himself as a decent , hardworking , moral human being . He envisioned being defiled by these Harpies in the dead of night and then locked in his room , never to be seen or heard from again . Or , at least annoyed when they tried to show him the film of their first , and only , failed screen test from 20 years ago while he was trying to do his laundry . Ralph thought life had beaten these ladies up pretty badly . After meeting the seventh or eighth one ( he 'd lost count ) , their faces , with the drawn - on eyebrows , lopsided fake eyelashes , surgically - implanted cheekbones and chins , and lips that had received about four too many injections that week , became a blur . It was as if they were all the same woman who just beamed herself from kitchen to kitchen throughout the subdivision just waiting for him to arrive . After a couple of days of this , he just knew he couldn 't swallow any more vanilla - flavored coffee and scones , or look at any more polyester jumpsuits with open - toed spiked heels and toenails painted with blood - red polish and dotted with glitter . Maybe this was not the way to go , he decided ; time to look for a ' Y ' . He found a clean , quiet room at the back of the second floor . It didn 't take him long to realize that while this was a starting point for him , he 'd better make sure it stayed just that . This was not somewhere he needed to remain for long . The other residents were all ex - wannabe something or others , and Ralph believed they were destined to remain that way , but not him ; he was different . He was going to set the print world on fire with his dynamic reporting style and controversial commentaries . All he needed was an ' in ' . He would take any position that was available in the newsroom - anything at all , even errand boy to the big shots . Wouldn 't take them long to see what he had to offer . Wouldn 't take long at all . . . Eight months later , Ralph was still in his quiet room at the back on the second floor at the ' Y ' . He had become quite close , in fact , with some of the ex - wannabe something or others . Most of them weren 't all that bad , really . When Ralph 's savings dried up because he couldn 't seem to get on at any of the local papers , a couple of them hooked him up with a position at the burger joint on the corner . It only paid minimum wage , but it wasn 't like Ralph had to spend any of his meager paycheck on gas to get to work . A couple of minutes ' worth of walking and he was there . On his off days , he stayed in his room and slept mostly . What was the point of staying up , after all . No newspaper , periodical , magazine , or flyer shop in the city would hire him . It wasn 't just that he couldn 't get a job as a reporter . He couldn 't even get a job mopping floors in any of the media buildings . Ralph didn 't understand where he had gone wrong . He had personally walked into the office of every editor of every publication in the city . No one had tried to stop him as he made his way through the maze of secretaries and reporters , and as he got closer to the editor 's offices , the excitement in the air was palpable . He could hear the tick , tick , tick of the typewriters , phones constantly ringing on every desk , men and women literally running with articles in their hands trying to meet deadline . He could picture himself as one of them , a pencil behind one ear , a smoke behind the other , sipping on his twelfth cup of stale coffee , his editor putting everything on hold waiting for his brilliant headline copy . . . By the time he arrived at each editor 's door , his head was swimming . This was the life he was born to live - this was his destiny . Unfortunately , no one had let any of the editors in on that little tidbit of information . Every ' interview ' was a carbon copy of the previous one . Ralph would knock on the door and a voice would tell him to ' come on in ' . Friendly , but professionally detached . The voice of someone who controlled the dissemination of daily city - , state - , and world - wide occurrences . Ralph had never met or spoken with an editor , but he just knew they were the heart and soul of the newsroom . They decided who covered what and when , and how much of it actually hit the streets . So much responsibility - so much power . Ralph wasn 't sure if he should sit down or remain standing once he entered , but decided to take his cue from the man he came to see . Once he did enter however , it didn 't quite turn out the way he had anticipated . In very newsroom , in every editor 's office , he encountered a basically well - groomed , but extremely psychotic individual , sitting behind a desk covered with several stacks of papers each at least 15 inches high . When Ralph would walk in , the man would glance up with a look of utter confusion on his face , and say ' what ' . Interestingly enough , it was not spoken as a question but more on the order of a brutal declarative . Once Ralph regained his composure , his response was always the same . He would state , quietly and respectfully , that he was a fledgling reporter looking for an opportunity to get in on the ground floor . He would begin to explain how that had been his dream since he was a youth , and , it was at that point that Ralph would receive the universal sign of dismissal - the sweep of the raised hand in his direction - and the man behind the desk would retreat back into one of his stacks of papers . Ralph figured it was a bad time ; too close to deadline perhaps , so he alternated days and times and kept trying , but to no avail . After months of what he perceived as beating his head against a wall , Ralph decided it was time to go home , and crawl inside the black hole that was Swaying Falls . Maybe he could speak to Chester Mankowsky about taking him on as a reporter , and about possibly spicing up the town 's paper . While it would be difficult to come up with anything newsworthy there , it would be a beginning - a launching pad of sorts . Perhaps the timing just wasn 't right - planets not aligned right , or some such other thing , Ralph wasn 't certain . But , one thing he knew for sure . He had given it his best shot and since nothing was clicking for him , he 'd just go back home and bide his time . He 's save his money , and head for the city lights again . Only this time , he 's probably skip the ' Y ' , with all its resident losers . There was no way he was going to be the backdoor boy - toy of some divorcee either . Maybe he 'd just save up a bit more and he 'd get his own apartment or maybe buy a condo . Give it a few months , maybe a year , Ralph thought , and I 'll get on with a paper . I ' l be a bit older and have more experience under my belt . Yeah . I 'll just bide my time . Twenty years worth of biding his time later , there he sat . Shortly after Ralph 's homecoming , Chester did take him on , but was adamant about having him forego the byline thing . His was a newspaper of , by , and for the town , and it somehow just didn 't seem moral to try to take credit for sharing important information with one 's family and friends . Ralph knew then , beyond a shadow of a doubt , that Chester was completely crazy , but , since beggars can 't be choosers , he decided against an altercation . Nothing would be accomplished ; he was certain of that , and no sense making an enemy out of his only employment opportunity in the tri - state area . And so , he still sat , staring at a blank piece of paper in his typewriter , still trying to figure out how to spark up the feed story . Lord knows it was a hot topic thereabouts and once word got around that was the headline , the papers would be off Chester 's shelves like hotcakes . Ralph decided to wait until he had a second strong cup of coffee . Maybe that would get the juices flowing and he could dig up some shred of enthusiasm for this story . He seriously doubted that , but anything was worth a try . This article did have to be written , and it did have to be written today . Best to finish it and run it over to Chester 's . That way , he could stop thinking about it and head over to that new place that opened just outside of town . He had heard it was a pretty decent place to eat ; of course , anything was a step up from Molly 's Diner . Molly MacDill was a decent enough dame , and Ralph didn 't really have anything against her , but that diner of hers was something right out of a bad movie . Ralph ate there , like most of the townsfolk , but that was because it was the town 's only eatery . Ralph however , preferred to get most of his meals from Molly 's on a to - go basis . The place was usually packed with the I - can 't - wait - to - leave - this - dump twenty - somethings chattering on and on about their hopes and dreams and plans - yes , plans . They usually had plans , and Ralph hated them . He hated each and every one of them with their plans to leave Swaying Falls , and get high - paying jobs in the city , buy townhouses and condos , live the good life , live a real life . . . Ralph finished his second cup of instant , lit another smoke , sat down at the typewriter and began . No sense in agonizing over it anymore , he thought , just write it . Nobody 's going to read it anyway since Jeremy Spengler already bragged to everyone within earshot of his store 's doorway about carrying the big city brand of feed . He pulled the paper out of the typewriter , folded it and shoved it in his ipnts pocket and headed over to Chester 's . Drop the article off and head on out to have dinner , he thought , shaking his head in disgust ; this was going to be yet another magical night . Ralph took Main Street going north toward Tippettville . He kept checking both sides of the road looking for the new joint . He couldn 't recall the name , but since it would be the only other place to eat in that part of the county , he was sure he 'd recognize it . Tippettville was the closest town to Swaying Falls , but all they had was a soda fountain in their drug store . You could get a burger and some chips and maybe a root beer float , but chances were slim to none of getting a complete meal . Lights appeared in the distance on his left as he crossed the bridge over Wildon 's Creek and as he got closer , Ralph could see the place . The sign was on the roof of the building and flashed the name in alternating red , green , and yellow lights , some of which had already burned out . My , my , my , he started to laugh , another high class joint to be sure . The name , when all the lights came on together , appeared to be Soldano 's . Ralph wasn 't sure what the significance of having the different colored lights was , but there were a lot of cars in the lot , and as far as he was concerned , that was recommendation enough . The place was pleasant enough , and Ralph recognized several couples from Swaying Falls . He figured the others had to be from Tippettville , since no one in their right mind would drive 50 plus miles from surrounding towns or from the city to come and eat here in Nowheresville , USA . It was classier than Molly 's though ; they had a hostess here who seated you Ralph hadn 't been in a restaurant that had a hostess in years . Maybe tonight wasn 't going to be all bad after all . He was shown to his table , which was in the back of the dining room and next to a table at which a young man sat , alone . Ralph noticed the young man was looking around and jotting things down in a notebook , sipping his iced tea , taking a bite of his meatloaf , a quick drag of his cig , and then jotting again . Ralph had never seen him before and wondered what he was up to . " Oh no , " Ralph continued . " I was just wondering . I don 't mean to be nosy , but I noticed you looking around and writing things down and I was just wondering if you were one of those food critics or health department people , or something like that ? " " Well , none to speak of at the moment . You see , I have always wanted to be a reporter for a newspaper or a magazine , and I haven 't had much luck getting on with the city papers , so I thought maybe if I tried some small town papers , they might give me a chance to prove myself . I don 't know what kind of stuff goes on in this area , so I thought I 'd start with the restaurants and write up a sample column rating them . The problem is , this is the only restaurant around for quite a ways , except for the small diner over in Swaying Falls . Are you familiar with Swaying Falls ? " Ralph could see the change come over the young man 's face . He was impressed alright - sitting up straighter and eager to hear more . Oh so eager . " Ralph Debumarsey here . I report all the news in Swaying Falls . I 've got kind of an exclusive territory there . You should come by sometime and I 'll show you an issue . Right now , it 's just local stuff , but I 've got plans to go county - wide and then cover state events . I 've just got some details to work out . " " Wow , " Basil had turned his chair to face Ralph 's table . " I would love to come by sometime . I know it 's in the early stages , but I 'd still like to see your operation , your office , you know . Do you think it would be possible for me to accompany you on your rounds some time or when you go out on a call ? I wouldn 't get in the way , I promise . It 's just that I 've never met a real reporter before and I know I could learn so much from you if you wouldn 't mind me tagging along . Not all the time , mind you , I wouldn 't want to bother you , but just sometime ? Do you think that would be at all possible , sir ? " ' Sir ' . This young man called him ' sir ' . No one had called Ralph ' sir ' in . . . , well , no one had ever called Ralph ' sir ' . It felt really good in an odd sort of way . He wondered what the young man would call him if he accompanied Ralph on his ' rounds ' to the grocer to pick up that week 's specials , to the motel to pick up that week 's continental breakfast menu , to the elementary school to pick up that week 's dessert offerings . . . Not only that , Ralph couldn 't wait to have Basil tag along with him to his ' office ' while he wrote his columns . He wondered if the young man would knock himself out on the lower ceiling while climbing over Ralph 's bed so he could sit next to him at the desk . My God , Ralph thought , what the hell am I going to do now ? " Gee , Basil , why don 't you let me have your number and I 'll give you a call and we 'll set something up , okay ? Right now , uh , temporarily , I 'm working out of a small boarding house attic . That 's a laugh , huh ? Anyway , it 's cozy and gives me a place to hang my hat and write undisturbed . When I get a hot lead , Ill call you and we can meet . It wouldn 't take you long to catch up with me . So , if you 're able to pick up and go on a second 's notice , because that 's how the newspaper game operates , we 'll play it by ear . What do you say ? " " I 've got to get going , got some calls to make , but you call me any time , day or night , and I 'll be there in a flash . Thanks so much , Ralph . Uh , is it okay if I call you Ralph ? " " Absolutely , " Ralph said . " Wouldn 't have it any other way . You take care , and I 'll be in touch . ' kay ? " Ralph would swear the kid was glowing as he exited the restaurant - yeah , glowing . Ah , the fervor of the young . He remembered the passion of his youth - one with which he used to view life in general , but now ? Well , maybe I can find something to interest this kid , he smiled to himself , something a little more exciting than Spengler 's New York City feed . But , where ? Ralph finished his meal , which wasn 't half bad actually , took part of the tip the junior copy boy had left and added it to his own and left a fiver on top of his bill and made his way outside . He decided this was going to be an all - nighter , trying to figure out some way to keep this Basil character believing he was a real newspaper reporter , and not what he really was : A broken down , old , never - used - to - be , nobody . But , first things first . Ralph realized he had to seriously pee , and no way was he going back inside just to use their bathroom . People knew when you did that , just went in places to use the toilet , and they 'd talk about it after you left . He decided to head around to the back of the building and just relieve himself in nature 's own backyard . No one would see him back there , so what harm could it do ? The man came out of nowhere , stumbling , and mumbling something about God and white sand beaches . Ralph was just finishing zipping up his pants when the man shoved him up against the wall . The man smelled like he vacationed in the sewer , and Ralph was terrified he 'd faint , and then the man would touch him , or worse , while he was out . That picture was too much for Ralph to accept without a fight , and he pulled himself up firmly on his feet , grabbed this creature that crawled out of the swamp , and pushed him away with all the strength he could dredge up . A terrible cracking noise filled the air and seemed to echo throughout the alley . Ralph looked down and braced himself , expecting to have to dodge a fist , but the man didn 't move . A pool of blood was beginning to form around his head and shoulders . Even in the dim light , Ralph could see the man 's partially open eyes were fixed in a vacant stare . " Oh my God , " Ralph gasped . " Hey ? Are you okay ? You pushed me and I couldn 't let you get away with . . . I thought you were going to . . . Answer me ! " Ralph began to nudge the man with his foot , but the man remained still . Damn , Ralph shuddered , , I 've killed him . He saw part of the large rock the man 's head had hit when he fell and noticed the pool of blood was getting bigger . I 'd better not get any of this on me , he thought . I 've got to get out of here , got to think . Ralph looked around and not seeing anyone , went back , sat in his car and lit a butt from his ashtray . Got to call the Sheriff and just explain , Ralph was telling himself . I mean , it was just an accident . The guy 's probably a nobody , clothes all messed up , hasn 't had a bath in God - knows when , hanging out by the dumpster in back of a restaurant . . . Wait a minute ! Wait just a freakin ' minute ! Why should I set myself up for a lot of grief here , he thought , going to the Sheriff 's office , telling the same story a hundred times , and what am I going to get for all this ? Absolutely nothing but a headache and a sleepless night , and tomorrow morning , nobody 's going to remember any of this . But , now , if I went inside the restaurant and hollered for somebody to call the Sheriff because I had just witnessed a , shall we way , murder out back , but can 't identify the killer , well , things might turn out a bit different then . Sure , I 'd have to still go to the Sheriff 's office and tell the same story a hundred times , but tomorrow morning , everybody would know about it because I 'd go home and write about it for the paper . Oh , yeah , Chester , then you 'd sell your weight in papers with that story on the front page , and I would have to put my name on that one so everyone would know it happened to me . " Look , you shouldn 't have come at me like that , but what 's done is done . I can 't afford to screw up what little of a life I have over a stupid accident . Besides , we 'll find out your name and you 'll become kind of immortal when I identify you in my column . Can you even hear me , or are you all the way dead ? " Ralph continued to look down at the man for a moment longer , and tried to figure out how he was going to handle this . He grabbed his own shirt and pulled so as to tear one of his sleeves . This happened , he would say , when he struggled with the assailant . He smudged his face with some dirt , messed up his hair and tore one of his jacket pockets . Yes , indeedy , this will work , he thought , this will work just fine . He started to yell and stomp and pound on the wall at the back of the building , then ran around the corner and in the main entrance , breathing heavily , and flung himself on the candy counter at the front . Everyone in the place was looking at him now . Here we go . Lights , camera . . . This was the way it should have been all along , everyone crowding around him , patting him on the back , asking him if he was alright , trying to counsel him after his traumatic ordeal . Ralph was in his element now . He had taken the hands of the cashier in his and , holding back a tear , asked her to call the Sheriff because there was an unfortunate soul out back who had been murdered , yes , he did say murdered , right in front of his very own eyes . She had gone all pale and looked about to keel over , but had managed to hold herself together long enough to pick up the phone and call the Tippettville Sheriff 's office . Ralph had never met anyone from Tippettville , with the exception of his newly acquired admirer , Basil , and this lawman of theirs was a real piece of work . He arrived around ten or fifteen minutes after the cashier had called him , and Ralph had been directed to a chair and was sipping a warm glass of some kind of bitter purple wine the manager had given him . As soon as he entered , everyone pointed to Ralph , their hands trembling , all remembering the life and death struggle the two men had just engaged in ; one one sipping wine inside who had obviously triumphed over the attacker and the other one lying behind the building who obviously had not . Ralph believed that was a good start ; not too hysterically told , fairly sequential , and vague enough not to trip him up later . The Sheriff motioned for him to remain seated and went out back to investigate . He returned and used his cell phone to call for the town doctor and the funeral home 's hearse to come and pick up the body . He walked over to Ralph , who finished the glass of odd - tasting wine with a shudder . " Listen , fella , I know you 've been through a lot this evening , but I 'm going to need you to accompany me to the office and give me a statement . Maybe you remember more than you think you do , and maybe you could give us a description of the guy who did that out there . Then again maybe not , but sometimes there are small details that people think don 't mean anything and they can end up being very helpful . Do you need to see a doctor first ? Are you able to drive over , or would you like to leave your car here for the time being and ride over with me ? " Ralph knew he had died and gone to heaven . It 's about time I was treated like I was somebody , he thought . It 's about freakin ' time . " No , sir , " he tried very hard not to laugh . " I 'm able to drive and I don 't believe I 've been injured . Not like that poor man outside . I don 't know what provoked that confrontation out there , but it 's all just so tragic . Certainly , I 'll follow you over and provide whatever assistance I can . " Ralph took great pleasure in all the pats on the back he received on the way out , and especially enjoyed the winks he received from a couple of the women . He couldn 't wait to get all this over with and get back to his room so he could write it all up and get the article , his article , over to Chester , so a special edition of the paper could be run . This time , it would be a special edition because it wouldn 't have an anonymously written copy . This time , Ralph 's name would be all over it . When he arrived home , he immediately got the hot plate going since this was most definitely an occasion for a hot cup of instant . His time in the Sheriff 's office , providing his statement , had been brief , which surprised him . Ralph had thought he would be given the third degree , as it were , but to his delight , the officer didn 't ask him too many questions . It was more a matter of ' do you take cream and sugar in your coffee ' , ' here 's a legal pad and a pen to just write down what happened ' , ' sign and date it ' , and ' you 're free to go ' . Ralph was stunned . True , he hadn 't murdered anybody ; well , killed , maybe , but not on purpose , but still , somebody ended up dead . He wondered why that didn 't seem to be too big of a deal . Possibly , the man was homeless and didn 't have any family or friends as Ralph had originally thought , but one would think that wouldn 't matter to law enforcement . After all , a killed person was still a killed person , regardless of their station in life , right ? Evidently not here in Tippettville . Odd behavior on the part of a policeman to be sure , but certainly beneficial to Ralph . He had been able to get out of there lickety - split , and would have plenty of time to write his column and get it to Chester so he could get the edition printed by breakfast - time . Residents of Swaying Falls began their meandering right after they had their morning coffee and oat flakes and Chester 's was where the congregating commenced . Everyone would see the paper and Ralph 's column and then they would know - then they would all know . Ralph wondered if he should call the kid and let him in the on the big scoop . Yes , but after the paper hit the street - definitely after . He 'd tell Basil he 'd been traumatized and needed to rest , but of course , the second he 'd arrived home , he knew he had to get the column in the hopper . That 's what a reporter does , he 'd say , get it down regardless of what you 've been through . That would impress the hell out of the little boot - licker , but it would also keep him out of Ralph 's hair . Ralph plumped the pillows on his daybed , put his hands behind his head , laid down and took a deep breath . He closed the curtains by his desk , but the sun was still shining brightly through , although he didn 't care . He was exhausted and it felt great . Sitting at his typewriter to write this column - his column - had been the easiest thing he had ever done . The words flowed smoothly and when it was completed , he didn 't even bother to go over it to make any edits . He could feel the power of it as he held it in his hands . This was what he had been waiting for these past twenty some odd years ; this was the beginning , and there was no way Ralph was going to let this slip away from him . No freakin ' way . Swaying Falls is alive and prospering now solely because of me , Ralph laughed out loud , and didn 't care who heard him this time . Coming home to his new digs at the downtown hotel was just another reminder of all he had done for the sorry - ass residents of this fly - speck on the way to oblivion . Those in transition weren 't transitioning anymore . They were putting down roots , and expanding the family businesses . Funny how murder draws them all in , he thought ; one would think murder in , and around , a town would drive folks away . Well , ' one ' would be oh so wrong . It occurred to Ralph that , after the third or fourth one , this whole process was getting easier and less stressful . The latest was what , number six ? Let 's see , he thought , first there was the disgusting creep behind Soldano 's , which technically was an accident . If only he could have known the phenomenal effect his passing had on Ralph 's career . As it turned out , the weirdo had been homeless , and no friends or relatives could be located . Those who had been in the restaurant the night it happened had all contributed so he could have a decent burial with a headstone . Ralph , naturally , had been the most generous donor . Then , there was the old broad in the support shoes , toting the canvas grocery bag , who needed help climbing the stairs in the rundown tenement in which she lived . Ralph had helped her climb the stairs alright ; almost made it to the top too , before she tripped over that heavy canvas bag she 'd been dragging . Too bad , and messy too . Nasty way to die . The jogger in the park had been next . He had been hydrating himself from a full flask he carried . Ralph had guessed Crown Royal when it had fallen and spilled on the grass . The approach had gone smoothly with Ralph joining him for a friendly late afternoon jog on the deserted trail . They had shook hands , laughed a bit and the man had even offered Ralph a sip right before he stepped into a hole and fell and hit his head on that water fountain - hard . You could never be too careful ; holes in the ground sometimes just appeared out of nowhere . The hooker and her john turned out to be Ralph 's daily double . They had been getting to know each other behind the sales office of the used car lot on the edge of town . Ralph knew that spot was utilized at that time of night for happy hour , and took a chance . He parked his car at the business next door and crept around and sure enough , there they were getting ' happy ' . Their focus was not exactly on the world around them , and it had been no problem for Ralph to come up behind the girl and hit her over the head with the pipe he had found leaning up against one of the sheds . When she fell , the man just stodo there and looked at Ralph ; didn 't make a move or say a thing . Crazy how people react in a crisis , Ralph thought . When Ralph swung the pipe at his head and connected , the man didn 't make a sound then either . He just fell over , quietly . Easy peasy ; two for one . Yes , tonight , number six it was - the dried up old man on his way to the drug store to pick up his asthma inhaler . Old people shouldn 't be out alone at this hour , Ralph thought . Why , something bad could happen to them , couldn 't it ? Well , something bad did happen to this one - that 's for sure . Beaten to death with his own cane right there on the sidewalk ten feet from his front door . Darn shame . What 's this world coming to . . . What the hell , who 's counting anyway . He already had his book deal signed , sealed and delivered , and he was confirmed on three cable crime documentaries . He was thinking this might be a good time to start scaling back , what with that bottom feeder dogging him all the time . Good ole boy , Sheriff Dan , had mentioned it in passing that he found it suspect that Ralph was always first on the scene of all those deaths he was reporting on . Ralph had responded , also in passing , that it all came down to a reporter 's instinct , but the flatfoot had appeared less than convinced . Measures would definitely need to be taken . It had been kind of a kick in the beginning , making those calls to the station , alternating between claiming to be a witness and claiming to be the killer , and leaving tantalizing clues at all the scenes that , of course , led absolutely nowhere . Ralph wouldn 't see Danny Boy for a couple of days , and then , out of the blue , there he 'd be : On the street in front of the hotel , a couple of tables over while Ralph was having lunch at Molly 's , sitting in his car staring at Ralph coming out of the grocery . . . This rummy had hit on Ralph 's last nerve two bodies ago . Time 's come to leave his life as a reporter behind , Ralph thought , and cross over and assume his role of international correspondent . Interviews , film cameos , and possibly a movie of the week ; shouldn 't keep them waiting . Ralph knew it just didn 't get any better than this . The kid was coming along nicely too , following him around like a lapdog hoping to be thrown a scrap . Contacting Basil following each murder and allowing him to type the articles while Ralph dictated had been a brilliant move . It allowed the little suck - up to feel involved without having any real input or being able to steal any of Ralph 's thunder . The arrest , indictment and trial did all occur with unanticipated precision . He had been charged with six counts of first degree murder . That the death of the perv behind Soldano 's had been added as murder One truly surprised Ralph . That one , at most , should have been ruled as accidental . At arraignment , he had entered a plea of not guilty , as expected , having been advised by the best the Public Defender 's pool had to offer . Interestingly enough , bond had been requested and granted ; not the norm for a capital case . Of course , this was Tippettville - not the norm by any means . The case was being prosecuted there since the deaths all occurred in , or near , their jurisdiction . The jury , however , was hand - picked from Ralph 's main stomping ground of Swaying Falls , and quite the vindictive bunch they turned out to be . As he watched and listened to them during the selection process , the air was thick with bias , but the judge was deaf , blind , and most assuredly dumb as hell . There were no jury instructions about not discussing the case until deliberation , and the street corners and shop doorways were constantly abuzz with detailed descriptions of evidence presented and testimony obtained . From the perspective of these two towns , this was the trial of the century . From Ralph 's point of view , this was the century 's biggest practical joke . Seeing as how a man 's life was hanging in the balance so to speak , that did seem to detract somewhat from the humor of it all though . The exhibits and photographs filled the pint - size courtroom vestibule , while most of the spectators stood along the walls and crouched in the aisles between the rows of benches . People brought boxed lunches and coolers filled with soda pop and ice cream bars . Ralph wondered if they were permitted to witness the execution whether they 'd bring hot dogs and their toddlers ' bouncy seats along . The testimony now , that was brutal . People he 'd known all his life as quiet , unassuming small - town mopes , suddenly became hateful , accusatory vipers . Ralph had to admit though , it did surprise him that they obviously took great relish in the fact that their words could send a fellow human being to his death . Talk about not being able to judge books by their covers . . . When the verdict was read , everyone in the courtroom cheered , including the judge and all the members of the jury . While Ralph deemed this totally inappropriate , he did find it humorous , in a grotesque sort of way . It was , of course , guilty on all counts , and the sentence was indeed pronounced to be death . No real shock there either , he thought . Bloodthirsty bastards , all . So , here we are in the now , he thought , in this limbo , this portal between life and the everlasting . The sedative 's already been administered and soon , his eyes would close for the last time , but no sweet dreams would invade his slumber this night . He remembered the struggle and all the heartache , all to win what prize ? A deadly cocktail administered in the State 's death chamber ? Did this end justify those means ? Oh , hell , yeah , Ralph thought . Hell feakin ' yeah . He did briefly feel a weak tug at his own heart for young Basil whose life would be coming to a supposedly painless conclusion soon , but hey : It wasn 't as if he didn 't really know how the game was played . Come on , everybody did . Didn 't they ? It had been laughably easy to set the chump up to take the fall , considering his irritating way of fawning over his self - appointed mentor . The fool had developed tunnel vision from the second Ralph had taken him under his wing . Leaving his butts everywhere , ripe for the taking , only to be strategically placed at the crime scenes . . . What 's the matter , newsboy ? Never heard of a new thing called DNA ? You pick up a bag and a flask to move them so you can sit on the only chair made available to you , and they show up later on or near a murder victim . . . Oops , kid , you got to keep up with the times - they do fingerprints these days . Ralph had never visited his protege on Death Row , and his presence had never been requested . Odd how the boy seemed to passively resign himself to his fate . He had wanted to learn from the best , and he had to know that he did learn from the best . And , at approximately seven minutes after midnight , the kid was about to learn the most important lesson of all . It has been so long since we even had a meal together - - so long since you felt strong enough to leave the sanctity of your room . When mommy left us to be with that awful man , I was so afraid for you . I did tell you that everything would be alright someday soon , and I wasn 't lying to you , was I ? At least you know I would never do that . I remember that dark day like it was yesterday , as I 'm certain you do as well , my pet . You had prepared a lovely breakfast , as was your habit in those days , and she had sat there and watched and said not a word . After we 'd finished your delightful meal , without so much as a moment 's hesitation , she began to laugh and stated she was leaving us to spend her life with a man she had met at the mall . Who leaves the loves of their life to spend what time they have left with someone they meet at a mall ? As I have always tried to tell you , Father , sometimes there is no accounting for taste . She had already packed a few things , and instead of taking them and leaving with some shred of dignity , she sat back and waited for the awful man to come and pick her up here . Here . At our home . I was beyond horrified at the audacity of this woman , and I could see the pain creeping in and beginning to consume you . I couldn 't bear to see you weep , so I hurried to wait in the awful man 's car for them so we could discuss this matter rationally and calmly . She needed to understand that the die had been cast , and , even if things didn 't work out as planned with the awful man , her return would not be permitted since this was no longer her home . The awful man needed to understand something too . His interference in our previously idyllic lives was not going to be tolerated . We spoke at great length and I can assure you - - they both understood . Neither will darken our doorway again . I should probably mention that your new lady friend that you invited to my party will be unable to attend . I paid her a short visit while you were napping after lunch and we had such a pleasant chat . She wasn 't aware that your heart had been broken in the recent past and that her current intrusion into your life was ill advised . But , after I explained it all to her in the greatest of detail , it became crystal clear . What it is that you need - - all that you need actually - - is family right now . Family . The love of family is what heals the wounds of the heart and mind . Family . Only . Do you like my new dress , my sweet ? I secretly saved all my allowance to be able to buy it myself so I 'd have something extra special to wear for you today . All this beautiful white lace - - it 's almost completely stained crimson now - - your blood pooling around me , warm and soothing . The musicians and some of the guests have begun to arrive . Why are you all just standing in the doorway ? It 's alright to come in now and just set your presents down on the big table . You may use the big knife I 've brought down to begin cutting the cake . You might want to give it a quick rinse first though . I am a writer , who has had two crime fiction novels , a six - part children 's fantasy series . and a poetry collection published by DiskUsPublishing , stories published in various anthologies , as well as flash pieces on various ezines . My current projects include two crime fiction novels . Florida . The sunshine state . A land of oranges , theme parks , and hundreds of miles of beaches . In this land of endless summers and crystal blue water , people are dying in ways the likes of which the local police have never seen . Each dea . . . This is a book that anyone and everyone who enjoys a wild ride must read . The characters are beyond unique , the primary setting is beyond imagination and the story ? Whoa ! This story will snatch you up right from the start and then tw . . . If you are looking for a collection of thrillers , I would recommend looking elsewhere . There are a couple of stories that are very good and are quite disturbing , which I feel thrillers should be . But the majority of t . . . |
A place where writers who love crime fiction and horror can discuss different facets of writing , and the various components that make up a story . Readers are more than welcome too . Let 's discuss what you like to see in these tales of mystery , suspense and terror . Included also will be news about upcoming contests , links to great crime , noir , and horror tales , and a review or two . I stepped out into the frigid cold , instinctively I cowered into the depths of my heavy coat , shoving bare hands deep into its pockets . I couldn 't remember if I wiped down with my sleeve whatever I had touched , but there couldn 't have been that much . After all , I was only inside a minute or two . I was sure no one saw me , especially with this near - blizzard snowfall going on . Most people are safe and warm at home on this dreadful night . I would have been too if the evil man hadn 't taken it from me . It was supposed to be mine . I needed it to be mine . But , he wouldn 't give it up , so I took it . And now it is . Mine . It wasn 't my fault , but I 'm sure you know that . If he had just given to me what was rightfully mine , I wouldn 't have had to follow him home to confront him about it . He kept trying to push me back outside and saying he was going to call the police and have me arrested . Arrested ? Me ? For what ? Taking what was meant to be mine to begin with ? No . I tried to reason with him , but he wouldn 't listen . He pushed me really hard against the wall by the door , and so I hit him in the head with the ashtray on the small table by his front door three - - - one , two , three times . It was all his fault though , but I 'm sure you know that . When I got back to my flat , I took one last peek over my shoulder , but I hadn 't been followed . I took it from my pants pocket , where it had been brought safely to its new home , and I placed it with the other two . Then , they were three - - - one , two , three . I should be calmer now , but I am not certain how to work my way through the events of today . All should have been complete this evening , but the evil man almost ruined everything . When I went out to the grocery this morning and I passed the novelty shop on the corner , I saw them and knew they had to be mine . One was red , one was blue and one was green . I went into the shop and I asked the man behind the counter how much he wanted for them all . There were three - - - one , two three of them , you see . He told me they were the last of their kind and once he sold them , there would be no more . He wanted $ 10 for the whole set because he told me that they play a little tune when you use them . I told him I didn 't care about any little tune . I just needed to have them all , but I didn 't have all of the $ 10 . I asked the man if I could get two of them and come back this evening for the other and he said that would be fine . I was so excited . I took the red one and the blue one home and put them on a stand I made for them and it was so sad because there was one empty place . But not for long . It had already begun to snow , but I needed to get the rest of the $ 10 , so I locked up my flat with all three - - - one , two , three locks because you just never knew about people . My landlady is the only one I ever allow in my flat to see all my sets , and she promised she wouldn 't tell anyone that I had them . They are all such beautiful and perfect things . Three - - - one , two , three in all of them . I have china dolls , I have pens and pencils , I have mugs , I have drinking glasses ( although I would never drink out of them ) , and so many others . All the same - - - all the last of their kind - - - all sets of three - - - one , two , three - - - all mine . And one empty space . So sad . By the time I got outside , it was already hard to see with the snow coming down so heavily . Even though it was so cold , I decided to walk to the train station to get the rest of the money that I needed . The train station was a long walk for me , but I was certain I would be able to get the rest of the money I needed there , especially today . When the weather was bad , a lot more people were in the train station and they were all in such a hurry and not calm and it was easy for me to get some money . Sometimes people would just give me money if I asked them for it after I explained that I needed it to complete a set of three - - - one , two , three . Other times though , I had to take it from them because I needed it to complete my sets and they didn 't . When I got there this time , there was so many people , and they were all in such a hurry and running around . No one was being very nice and I didn 't want to take the time to explain why I needed it , so I decided to just take it . There was a woman on Track 9 standing by herself talking on one of those phones you can take out of your house and still talk . I walked up behind her , pulled her purse off her arm and stabbed her three - - - one , two , three times with the nice sharp knife I take with me when I go out because you just never know about people . When you do it from behind them , you don 't get any of their blood on your clothes , which is a good thing because then you 'd have to take your coat off before you could go anywhere else , and I couldn 't do that . I only had three - - - one , two , three coats on and there was no way I could have taken one off , but you already knew that . I pushed her down onto the tracks and no one even noticed . People never do when they are in such a hurry and running around . I took her wallet and dropped her purse onto the tracks and went outside and saw that there would be enough money for me to get it . I practically ran to the novelty shop and I was ready to get it so I could complete my set , but the evil man was in there and he already had it in hiThe longer the green one is where it belongs with the other two , the calmer I am beginning to feel . All is never right with the world until there are three - - - one , two , three . I am truly enjoying looking at my new yo - yo 's . I wonder if someone else will be taking over the novelty shop soon . I didn 't have to wait too long after the last time this happened … In case you are not familiar with it yet , let me clue you in on a new ( to me , anyway ) site . It 's Inkit , and it is a community for writers and readers alike . As a writer , you can post your work and receive feedback from the community . As a reader , you can enjoy the work of some very talented individuals in a variety of forms and genres , then provide your input and support . What 's going on over at Inkitt on any given day ? More than you can imagine . And last , but most certainly not least , the specific Writing Contests . Currently , there are six running , each with no entry fee . For specifics , click on the description . Hello . I 'm so happy you decided to stop by to visit . I 'm always interested in meeting new people . Please sit down , dear , and I 'll make you a cup of hot cocoa . That 's always a nice treat on a chilly winter 's day . Let me begin by telling you a bit about myself . My complete Christian name is Henrietta Marjorie Corcoran . I am 62 years old and a retired school teacher . I was married to Mr . Kenneth David Corcoran for going on 40 years . He passed on , oh my , it 's already been 10 years now . He was such a good man - - responsible , hard - working , honest , and so helpful to anyone who needed it . We bought the house on Maple Trail a year after we were married and the mister and I lived there together up until he died , and then I stayed on alone right up until all this bad business with the neighbors . Mr . Corcoran had always taken pride in his garden . The problem really began when his arthritis took a real hold on him . He was always in a terrible amount of pain whenever he tried to use his hands and he got so he just decided to give up , I think . He stopped tending his flowers and vegetables and the darn weeds just took over and turned it ugly . I never cared much for gardening , so I did the only thing I could do to rid the yard of that ugly patch . After I disposed of Mr . Corcoran , I paid some high school boys a few dollars to dig up all those unsightly growths and set them out for the trash men to see to . Mr . Corcoran fit nicely in our deep freeze out in the shed so it really wasn 't any trouble at all . Everyone else in the cove had kept their lots up ; I couldn 't let ours be the exception . Life went along swimmingly until that terrible woman moved in next door . My good friend , Helen , who had lived in that house , had fallen down her basement stairs a couple of months before , and her son sold it on the first offer . He hadn 't even met the woman who bought his mother 's house - - did it all with lawyers . That 's how communities go to the dogs , you see . There 's no direct contact between buyer and seller , and you think a decent human being will now be residing in your dead mother 's home , but instead , what moves in is just plain trash , pure and simple , It 's funny how you take care of one problem and along comes another right behind it . Helen was as sweet as pie until she fell under the spell of the drink . She stopped trimming her grass and bushes and when she put out her cans on pick - up day , they overflowed onto the sidewalk . That 's when I decided she needed a reminder of how a good neighbor keeps up with their own . She wasn 't able to keep up with our conversation so I decided she should probably surrender responsibility for the house . The stairs were quick and quiet . When her son came and did all the trimming , I thought things would get back to the way they should be , but then he sold it to that horrible woman . Cars parking all over the front yard on an the sidewalk during her Saturday night get - togethers . That 's what she called them when I went over to welcome her to the neighborhood and try to explain how things were . She laughed at me - - at me , and called me awful names and tried to push me out the door . This was not a fit individual for our community , and measures needed to be taken . When she turned to go back into the kitchen , I picked up the knife that was laying on top of some boxes . They 're very useful for cutting through packing tape , you know . Anyway , I pushed the knife in sort of off center toward her left shoulder and she went down without a sound . It wasn 't hard either . That was just the right spot . But , how was I to know one of her men from last night 's get - together was still there and saw the whole thing . Most unfortunate . And so , here we are now . They put me in this cramped little room to wait . All this time to wait . For what ? For them to give me a shot so they can put me to sleep like you do to a dog or a cat or something . And why ? All because I tried to do the right thing . Listen , hon , when you tell my story , please make sure you let everyone know that I was only trying to keep things clean and safe in my community . That 's all . Just trying to be a good neighbor . Let me introduce myself . Name 's Jukebox Johnny . Folks call me " jukebox ' since these feet don 't go near a joint unless there 's a box of tunes in it . And , ' Johnny ' ? Well , that 's my name . My partner ? He goes by ' Dim Tim ' . Before you get your nose out of joint , that ain 't a put - down , like I 'm saying he 's a dummy . He is a dummy , but he follows orders good , and he 's got a punch like those rods the dicks use when they 're raiding Mr . G 's game parlors . It don 't hurt his feelings , since no one knows better than Tim what a low watt he is . Let me tell you about Mr . G . He 's the man - - really , and Tim and I work for him . See , Mr . G don 't like to get his hands dirty , so when somebody needs a lesson taught or a remind made , that 's where we come in . There 's one other thing about Mr . G . He has a different sense of humor and has to get the last laugh . How ? Cross him , and he 'll have your lips removed and put in a jar . I heard he keeps the jars somewhere in his office . I 've never seen them , but my sources are good . Back to figuring out how this day ended up so fucked . The job was simple enough . Mr . G hired a floater to pick up his cash . Now , a floater don 't belong to one crew ; he just does for whoever . Trouble with this one , Artsy Arty , he hadn 't done much for anyone to build a rep , so he was kind of taken on cold . See ? Why ' Artsy Arty ' ? No matter what the job , if some beatnick lumped up some clay or dripped paint on a bed sheet and set it up on a corner . Arty 'd stop and scope it out . Shows , they call them , but it 's nothing but crap really . But Arty couldn 't pass them up , so he 's ' Artsy ' Arty . And ' Arty ' ? Probably just his name . So , he decided to get Mr . G 's cash , but not do the deliver part . Word went around that this mo was going to skip with Mr . G 's green , so all the crews did a hands off . Until he could connect with some ijit who didn 't have the sense God gave him not to help somebody who 'd cross Mr . G , he figured he 'd just stash the bills in a locker . We were sent to get the cash . Tim and me were having a cup of joe at the diner on Fifth , and out of the storage place , comes Arty , balls of steel , like he 's taking a stroll down the lane . We come up on him and damn , if there wasn 't a shitload of that fuckin ' hippie crap all out on the sidewalk . There was also a boatload of people , so Arty blends . I went in one end and Tim in the other , thinking we 'll meet up with Arty in the middle . To be straight , it was tough to focus because the junk was all hands . Yep . I said hands . Pictures of hands , sculptures of hands , snapshots of hands - - nothing but hands . That tic in my left eye started to come back , when I saw Tim grab Arty and move him to the street . Just then , this punk pushed his way by , jumped in a cab and yelled for the driver to get him to the airport fast . Sorta wish I had a plane to catch about now . . . Where was I ? Oh yeah . We took Arty someplace quiet . Couldn 't figure him because he should 've been pissin ' his pants , but he kept laughing . Laughing when Tim nabbed him , all the way to the warehouse , and while standing on a chair with a rope around his neck . Tim and I both had frisked him good , but no key , and he wouldn 't spill . Went right from the storage place to the hand show to the chair . So , what did he do with the locker key ? I guess I got kinda excited because I jiggled the chair too hard and his feet slipped off and , well , bad news for Arty . But , worse news for Tim and me . No Mr . G 's money . So , now , we sit , Tim and I , in Mr . G 's office . Trying to figure out what to say so we can save our skin - - well , not our skin , exactly . I touched my lips with my fingers so I 'd remember them later , when I heard Tim laugh . Now , I have as much of a sense of humor as the next fella , but what the fuck was so funny ? I admit , there are times when I wish I wasn 't so much of a sophisticate as I am , and was just a short stack like Tim . Maybe then , I wouldn 't be shaking in my fucking shoes . He told me he remembered how he found Arty , all over a sculpture of a hand - like feeling it up . Sorry , I didn 't get the joke , until Tim corrected himself . Arty wasn 't making his move on a hand . It was a fist . Okay then . What the fuck . . . Arty was feeling up a . . . a fist ? Fuck me until a week from Tuesday . That 's what he did with the motherfucking key . He put it in the fist . All we had to do now was go to the corner , slide the key outa the fist , and get the money . I stood up , and was gonna say we needed to go before Mr . G came , when Tim started laughing harder . Said he didn 't understand people , like that chump who almost knocked me down . How he grabbed the fist , threw money down , and jumped in that cab . I sat back down . Abner Fendal felt like he hadn 't eaten for days . He couldn 't remember the last time he had been this hungry . Sissy had scolded him severely the last time she came by to check on him and had found his refrigerator and cupboards to be empty . He really didn 't like it very much when she went through his things . Her nosing around in his kitchen was violation enough ; but when she did her , as she called them , inspections on his living room , bathroom and bedroom , it was all he could do to restrain himself from telling her to leave and never come back . He knew she would have never have tolerated his behaving that rudely , and would most likely have retaliated by forcing him to move back in with her and her family . Abner really enjoyed being his own person and having his own place and had decided long ago never to do or say anything that might make Sissy question his ability to live independently . If she just didn 't always touch everything . . . Mother had known the value in having one 's own personal bits of life . That 's what she had always called them - - bits of life . The few times she had come upon him in her room when he had disobeyed her and tried to touch some of the pieces in her special box , she had explained to him how evil it was to put your hands on other people 's special things . Evil it was , because it resulted in your taking a bit of the life from them for yourself . She would then lock him in that dark little room in the basement that Daddy had built special for naughty boys - - the one that had the voice coming through the wall telling him over and over what a bad boy he really was . After a couple of days , she would retrieve him , give him his bath and a hearty meal . That was the best part , Abner remembered with a smile . When the door opened and she was standing there with her arms reaching out for him - the voice had stopped by then , and he would run to her for his good - boy - now hug and kisses . When Mother had come to retrieve Daddy after having locked him in the dark room for being a naughty boy , he hadn 't run to her for his good - boy - now hug and kisses . Mother said he he hadn 't run to her at all . Abner had never seen Daddy again after that . Mother said he wasn 't strong like Abner and told Abner not to think about Daddy ever again . Soon , Daddy 's things began disappearing from around the house and memories of him began to fade . Abner was happy to see them go . Mother was right . He was the strong one . And would always be . For Her . Abner remembered how Mother had never paid much mind to Sissy . She had been fed and cared for alright as was expected , but Mother had never taken her on their special outings or given her a special box , nor had she ever explained to Sissy how to take care of the treasures stored within . When Mother had died so long ago in her bed , Abner had taken her special box for his own and hidden it from Sissy . He had taken each item in his hands and felt the life flow into him from each one ; a necklace , a small comb , a bottle cap , an ink pen - - so many bits of life that she had gathered . Sissy would have questioned where each item had come from , and would never have understood Mother 's and his special times together . He had kept his special box hidden from her all these years and wasn 't about to let her spoil everything now . At least Sissy checked on him on the same day at the same time so he could make sure his special box was secure from her prying eyes . But she was getting suspicious lately since he had forgotten to keep food in the house and when she got that way , she would open drawers and closets and look under and behind and pull out and push in . . . Abner shuddered , barely able to picture the horror of it all . He made up his mind that after work today , he would stop at Mr . Granger 's grocery on the corner and pick up a few things to put in the refrigerator and the cupboards . When Sissy came by next time , she would look and touch and violate , but she would be satisfied and go away . Abner looked at the wall clock above the stove . Time to finish my breakfast , clean up and get on to work . Abner enjoyed his job at the flower shop . Sissy 's husband had arranged for him to work there so he could get his own little place and wouldn 't have to be under foot there with them . That 's what he had said to Abner , ' under foot ' , and Abner hadn 't really understood what he had meant by that , but didn 't think it was nice . Didn 't matter though . Abner had his job watering the plants out back and got his pay every week and was able to pay for his own place . It was small , but it was his , and that was all that mattered , and he wasn 't ' under foot ' anymore . Maybe he would ask Mr . Granger what that meant when he went to pick up some groceries , if he remembered to do it . Maybe he would . Abner washed and dried all the dishes , frying pan and silverware and put them all away . He wiped down the table and counters and took a step back to admire a job well done . Perfect , he thought , absolutely . The people who live here will never know that I was here . One last chore though . He had to find a little bit of life here to take with him just as he and Mother had done on their outings . Abner looked around the living room and made his way over to a desk that was placed next to a large picture window . The sun was peeking in through the slit in the curtains and something shiny on the corner of the desk caught his eye . When he saw it , he knew this was it - - this was the bit of their lives he would take , a large gold paper clip . Abner thought it probably was used as some type of book place - keeper or stack of paper binding , but it was so beautiful and shiny . As he held it in his hands , he felt the lives and thought again of Mother and how he missed her on this , and all his outings . But , no time for that now . He needed to hurry so as not to be late for his job . He exited the house as he had entered , through an unlocked window in one of the back bedrooms . People should really keep their homes more secure , he thought , all my windows are always locked . Sissy 's visit this week was most annoying . While she was nosing around Abner 's own personal home , looking under and around , pushing and grabbing , touching and shaking , she kept talking . Talking and talking and talking - - all about some person who was breaking into people 's own personal homes and taking their own personal things and then killing whoever lived there . This was a dangerous and disturbed person , she kept saying , someone who did not belong in civilized society , someone who should be locked away somewhere forever , somewhere dark and cold . Abner just sat in his own personal living room chair , closed his eyes and kept trying to block her out , but it was so hard because she just would never stop talking about it . She said it was all over the newspapers , but told Abner that he should be glad he didn 't know how to read because the details were just too terrible to get in your head . Well , Abner thought , if the details are just too terrible to get in your head , why are you telling me about them ? He thought perhaps Sissy deep down enjoyed these ' just too terrible ' details a little and that was why she kept going on and on about them . At least whatever it was she was going on and on about kept her from staying too long in his own personal home . She said she didn 't feel safe being out and about and was planning to go home and lock her house up tight and strongly suggested he stay home and do the same . There was no work for him that day , and since he did have food in the house ( stopping at Mr . Granger 's grocery had been the right thing to do ) , he should just lock his doors and windows and stay put . She got a telephone call on that little phone she carried in her pocket and told Abner something had come up and she had to run . He never thought he 'd be grateful to a little blue thing in Sissy 's pocket , but since it made her go away , he certainly was . He wondered if someday maybe he could get one of those little blue things for his pocket so he could get telephone calls , but quickly dismissed the idea . Any telephone calls he got would probably be from Sissy anyway , and that wouldn 't be enjoyable - - not enjoyable at all . After Sissy had gone , Abner dressed for dinner . He wan 't sure what he had a taste for this evening , but was certain one of the homes on Ranford Street would have something he would enjoy preparing . The families on Ranford Street all gathered each Friday evening for an outdoor meal at the park on the corner of Harcourt ; some type of neighborhood thing . Abner was happy he had never become part of the neighborhood thing . All those people talking to each other all the time and shaking hands over and over - - all that touching and taking a bit of life away each time . No . It was better on your own , as Mother had taught him ; just take a bit of life here and there and that 's all you 'll ever need . Oh , how he wished Mother could see him now . Dinner was spectacular , Abner was so proud of himself . The hot roast beef sandwiches he had prepared , along with the mashed potatoes and potato salad , made him feel all warm and cozy inside . That , along with the freshly brewed coffee and chocolate cake , made the evening perfection . He wanted to have his dinner in private so he moved the bodies of the Mother , the Daddy and the two little boys into their respective bedrooms and tucked them soundly in their beds . Blood had splattered everywhere , but Abner had found a mop and some bleach , and things were all spic - n - span in no time . They should have joined in the neighborhood thing at the park on the corner of Harcourt . They really should have . Abner washed and dried the dishes , as was his duty and put everything away . He wasn 't certain if this family might be missed at the neighborhood whatever - it - was , so he tried not to dawdle . Now , only to search for , and find , the perfect bit of life from these people . What could it be ? While riding home on the cross - town bus , Abner kept his right hand in his pocket , resting on his treasure . He had never seen a snow - globe that small before , and it had such a lovely and serene scene . He wondered how anyone could craft such a perfect little cottage with a white picket fence and leafy oak trees on either side . When it was shaken and the snow fell , it became a magical winter wonderland that Abner knew he would be able to enjoy for hours at a time . Lots of life in this one ; he tightened his grip on it . Lots of life . As Abner approached his front door , he noticed it slightly ajar . That is not possible , he thought , my doors and windows are always securely locked - - both when I am in and when I am out . How is that possible ? He went around to the side and , as quietly as he could , entered through the kitchen side door . He heard drawers being opened and cupboard doors being slammed shut . Someone was here - - someone - - looking around and under , pushing and pulling , seeing and touching , knowing . . . He looked around the corner into the living room and saw a man throwing the couch cushion on the floor . " Well , well , well , if it isn 't the retard , " the man began . " I 've been watching you , retard , watering your plants down the street and shuffling your way home every night . I was hoping your bitch would be here tonight so I could have some fun with her before I put her down . She doesn 't come around too often , does she ? What is she , your aunt or your cousin ? She sure couldn 't be your girlfriend , a retard like you couldn 't get anything as fine as all that . " " She is my sister " he said angrily . " She deserves to be spoken about with respect . She comes weekly to check on my well - being and to inspect my own personal home , and it is a bother to me , but do not speak that way about her . Sissy is a good person and she wants me to keep being on my own so I am not under foot in her house , whatever that means . Who are you and why are you messing up my own personal home ? Sissy will not be happy about that . Not happy at all . " " Well , fuck me , and then some . " The man got to his feet . " You 're not just a regular retard , you 're stone - cold brain dead . Let me tell you what I want , mister - under - foot - sissy - boy - piece - of - shit . I want whatever valuables you have stashed in this hole , because people always leave expensive jewelry and shit like that to fuckers like you because they know you won 't know to hock it . Then , I 'm going to enjoy watching you die just like I always enjoy watching them die . But you , especially , Danny Boy , you especially , " The man didn 't so much see the blade coming as sensed it ; but , of course , by then , it was a little too late . He was surprised at the lack of pain as it was pulled across his throat . He felt only warmth - - gentle and soothing , covering him like a lover 's embrace . His last thought was that this was probably the way one felt as one were dying . Abner was very excited . Today 's breakfast was going to be hash brown potatoes , fried eggs , toast and butter , sausage and bacon . He decided to go all out this morning . Sissy had come by yesterday afternoon and issued her stamp of approval , and he wouldn 't have to see her again for another week . After got the coffee maker going , he decided to have a look around . Lots of bits of life here , he thought , from lots of lives too , and he would take them all . He would take them and hide them and keep them all safe from harm . They were , after all , his and no one else 's . That terrible man thought he could take Abner 's personal bits of life , but Mother had taught him well . Finder 's keepers . . . Abner decided to sit and watch the television for awhile . He didn 't have one at his own personal home and liked to watch the programs once in awhile during his special outings . He had the time . There was no work for him at the flower shop today , and the terrible man had , after all , been considerate enough to be carrying a wallet with his name and address . It was an adequate enough place , Abner thought , and besides , it wasn 't like the man would be coming home . . . " Yes , Jamison , I understand . But , a simple thanks would have been sufficient . Maybe even a couple would have been acceptable , but this is too much . " " Mitch , " Jamison began , speaking in the tone generally reserved for jumpers perched on the ledge of the 40th floor of a high - rise . " This fellow of yours is obviously some sort of neurotic who feels compelled to continue to demonstrate his appreciation . Besides , how much longer can it go on ? Give him a few more days and I 'm sure it will wear thin . Got to run . Meeting Charlese for drinks . Chin up . " Click . I never should have confided in that poor excuse for a human , but I was out of options . My mother suggested I invite him over for a rousing game of canasta . Of course , my mother had knitted an afghan covered with the faces of sheep for Ted Bundy to use on Death Row since she was certain he wouldn 't be able to get a good night 's rest there . My lady , who I was planning to propose to on the day this all began , had been stronger than I had given her credit for , but she eventually came to the conclusion that I was certifiable and took out a restraining order on me . I was alone ; a cornered animal being poked with a sharp stick . Jamison said to give him a few more days . It had already been 12 days , 9 hours , 54 minutes , and . . . yes , I am counting the seconds too . I poured another Scotch , my . . . who the hell cares . I lost count hours ago . I sat back , took a long slow sip of its soothing warmth , closed my eyes , and remembered how the nightmare began . It was a bit after one in the afternoon on a bright sunny day - the last bright sunny day I would ever have , and I was on my way back to my office . I had popped in to the printer to pick up a presentation and had stopped at the crosswalk . I was soon joined by a young man in a bargain basement suit , who obviously had never seen the inside of a gentleman 's barber shop . We exchanged brief nods , and when the walk command flashed , he seemed to lunge into the street , as if his immediate presence anywhere could be that necessary . His thoughts must have been on the contents of the burger bag he was carrying , because he didn 't see the black sedan coming straight for him , or the police car on its tail , but I did . I grabbed him by the collar of his dollar store dress shirt and pulled us both back as they careened around the corner . We landed in a heap against the newspaper stand . I stood up , straightened my tie and reached down to lend him a hand , and he took it into both of his , got to his feet and began to cry . Now , I am as caring as the next man , but display of raw emotion makes me very uncomfortable . I asked him if he was hurt and he replied he was not , but his emotions were flowing freely because I had saved his life . I had literally plucked him from the jaws of death , and he knew from that moment onward , he was going to spend the rest of his life showing his thankfulness for my grand gesture . I told him that wasn 't necessary , but to no avail . That was the moment my life , as I had known it , came to a screeching halt . Morning , night , weekday , or weekend , if not in the sanctity of my office or living room , he was there . He was always there . Buying my coffee . Picking up my newspaper . Carrying my dry - cleaning . Catching the check for dinner . Nothing I said could dissuade him - it was like being haunted with no hope of an exorcism . ' Thank you ' , ' thank you ' , ' thank you ' - that 's all he ever said . Jamison said to give him a few more days . Can 't do it . In a few more days , I 'll be looking for a bullet to eat . As we journeyed to my office this morning , him holding my Journal and a latte , he said tonight we 'd be going to his place so he could give me something I would never forget . I knew what I had to do . He would never forget what I gave him either . One last ' you 're welcome ' . As we left the elevator heading to his door , I noticed the place seemed deserted . Perfect , since I had made up my mind to strike as we entered . Quick and quiet . I reached into my briefcase and eased out the carving knife I had brought from home . My only fear was that if anyone ever said ' thank you ' to me again , I 'd go postal . Yet , finishing this once and for all might give me some closure . He seemed so animated as he swung his door open - it almost seemed a shame to rain on his parade , but I plunged the blade in with a ferocity I hadn 't felt before . Again and again . He finally went down , having staggered completely inside . I quickly shut the door and felt for the light switch . It was over . I was finally free . The sight that assaulted my eyes didn 't quite register for a moment . Colored balloons and banners strung across the room : ' THANK YOU - - THANK YOU - - THANK YOU . . . ' I believe the defining moment was when I saw the people , Jamison and Charlese at the forefront next to our CEO , all standing in a semi - circle , all shouting ' surprise ' . Even the cop who had his morning coffee at the newsstand near my building was there . He was giving me a party . Something I would never forget . The bastard . I figured things couldn 't get any worse so I kicked him in the head . Really hard . Maybe I should have had a bullet for lunch after all . . . Ralph noticed the room was chilly , and sparsely furnished . He supposed that it was probably intentional on the part of the decorator since no one actually spent very much time in here while they were waiting . The waiting - - now , that was the worst part . Listening to the ticking of the clock , wondering what it will feel like when the chemicals start coursing through your veins , wondering what it 's like when you cross over to the other side . . . In anticipation of the commencement of that final journey , Ralph leaned back against the splintered slats of the wooden chair that had been provided for him , gazed indifferently at the colorless walls , and his thoughts began to drift back to where it all began . Ralph Debumarsey picked up his cigarette from the ashtray and took a long , deep drag . He leaned back in his chair , closed his eyes and blew the smoke out of his mouth in quick , short puffs . He could feel the sun 's warmth on his face as it shone brightly through the window directly in front of his desk . He had opened the curtains all the way , as he always did when he was writing his column . His column ? There 's a laugh . No such thing as ' his column ' here in Swaying Falls . The columns were written , the advertisements were strategically placed , and the local news was ready to roll . Anonymity seemed to be the catchword in this burg , Ralph thought , God forbid the folks knew the reporter 's name . Like his having a byline would violate national security . . . And , what was with calling this outpost of the damned ' Swaying Falls ' ? First and foremost , no falls of any size or shape were visible for hundreds of miles . As far as the swaying crap was concerned , trying to figure that out made Ralph 's head hurt . Feeling the sun on his face while he was typing helped him to fantasize that he was somewhere else , anywhere else , preparing the final draft of the hottest story his newspaper had ever run . Next to him was a FAX machine that he would use to send it on to his editor , who was waiting on his end , planning to run it down to the presses to make the midnight deadline . His story would headline the morning edition and the calls and telegrams would start pouring in as soon as the paper hit the streets . He would be congratulated for getting the scoop no one else could or had , and his colleagues would regard him with awe at the tremendous personal risks he had taken to get the story in the first place . Just another day in the life of a newsman , he would respond to them all , just another normal day , and he would smile that haunting smile of his , get into his Jag , and head out to his next assignment . Maybe a nuclear missile site in Beirut ? Perhaps a revolutionary camp in Central America ? Or what about right here in downtown Swaying Falls covering a bank robber who was wearing a bomb and holding a pregnant teller hostage in a second story suite of the Main Street Hotel ? Yeah . Uh - huh . Right . Ralph began to laugh out loud , and then caught himself . Crazy people laugh to themselves out loud , he thought , and I 'm not quite there yet ; the day was still young though . He looked at the paper in his typewriter , and wasn 't terribly surprised to see it was still blank . The ' hot ' story he had to crank out in time to meet his editor 's ( the owner of the town 's only general store , Chester Mankowsky ) deadline ( whenever Chester decided to close the store and go home for dinner ) so as to appear in the first edition ( the only edition , that became available whenever Chester finished running off a couple hundred copies on his two hundred year old printing press ) was difficult to put into words . After all , it wasn 't every day that Spengler 's Feed Store began to carry a brand of feed previously available only in the state of New York . What a coup for Jeremy Spengler and frankly , for Swaying Falls . That will put us on the map , Ralph thought . Hopefully , anyway , since we aren 't on any maps at present . He had to laugh again at that . Well , at least he could still laugh . He figured if the day ever came when he couldn 't find any humor in how ridiculous this town , and even himself , were , he 'd probably end up in the loony bin . Not that that would be such a drastic change . . . Ralph decided to heat up another cup of instant on his hot plate . Mrs . Franovsky technically didn 't allow hot plates in her rooming house , but she had never said anything to Ralph about it . He was sure Mrs . Franovsky kinda had the hots for him . Kinda . Maybe ? No . Not really . Truth was , Ralph kept peculiar hours mostly , and his esteemed landlady wasn 't too crazy about climbing all those stairs to reach Ralph 's loft to say much of anything to him . Loft ? There was another laugh . Ralph 's digs were what had once been a large attic used for storage . The ceiling was level almost all the way around , but in one of the corners , there was a low spot where Ralph had to duck down to get to his small bookcase . He wasn 't sure why it had been built that way since the roof did slant in from the outside in that spot and made the house look lopsided , but , since beggars couldn 't be choosers , he simply adjusted . After all , it was a clean , quiet place to live , and he was able to pretty much keep to himself . Not that Swaying Falls was exactly a real estate developer 's dream . Most of the folks lived in small pre - fab homes scattered in and around town , or in the town 's one apartment complex . Right . Apartment complex ? It was one building with eight units in it . While they were cozy , two - bedroom apartments , they were inhabited primarily by twenty - something 's in transition . Their transition being having graduated from high school and not really having any plans to attend community college or begin a career in the family business in town , whatever that may be . They wanted to get out from under mom and pop and have their own place so they could come and go at all hours . They would drive the two plus hours to the city to find work where they could make a decent salary , then come back to Swaying Falls and pay next to nothing in rent and living expenses . This was done , not for any noble reason like saving to buy a home and settle there and begin to give back to their community . Oh no . True , they did save what money they didn 't spend on liquor and partying , but that was so they could afford what they considered a real apartment in the city . When they could afford to move , they did just that , at record - breaking speed frankly , and neither looked nor came back . This town was dying , Ralph knew that . Unfortunately , there wasn 't a whole lot anybody could do about it . He had had his chance a lifetime ago . He had been young , had saved his money and had left Swaying Falls for the big city life and his dream of a career as a newspaper reporter . He possessed good instincts and a flare for the dramatic . He knew he would have to start at the bottom and work his way up , but all he needed was the chance to prove himself to an editor and he would be on his way . When he first arrived , he had picked up a newspaper and checked out the classified for a room to rent . He was surprised to find how many there were ; most of which were in the most expensive section of the city . Since he had his own car and didn 't have to be concerned with public transportation , he decided he would seek a place to stay in one of the gated communities that skirted the downtown area . Every room that he checked out though was inside the glitzy home of a widow or a divorcee , who was looking for just a little bit more than a paying border . Never really having pictured himself as a ' boy - toy ' , Ralph had felt extremely uncomfortable during each application process . Whether he was employed or had a steady paycheck always seemed irrelevant . He could feel their hungry eyes groping every inch of him as he tried to present himself as a decent , hardworking , moral human being . He envisioned being defiled by these Harpies in the dead of night and then locked in his room , never to be seen or heard from again . Or , at least annoyed when they tried to show him the film of their first , and only , failed screen test from 20 years ago while he was trying to do his laundry . Ralph thought life had beaten these ladies up pretty badly . After meeting the seventh or eighth one ( he 'd lost count ) , their faces , with the drawn - on eyebrows , lopsided fake eyelashes , surgically - implanted cheekbones and chins , and lips that had received about four too many injections that week , became a blur . It was as if they were all the same woman who just beamed herself from kitchen to kitchen throughout the subdivision just waiting for him to arrive . After a couple of days of this , he just knew he couldn 't swallow any more vanilla - flavored coffee and scones , or look at any more polyester jumpsuits with open - toed spiked heels and toenails painted with blood - red polish and dotted with glitter . Maybe this was not the way to go , he decided ; time to look for a ' Y ' . He found a clean , quiet room at the back of the second floor . It didn 't take him long to realize that while this was a starting point for him , he 'd better make sure it stayed just that . This was not somewhere he needed to remain for long . The other residents were all ex - wannabe something or others , and Ralph believed they were destined to remain that way , but not him ; he was different . He was going to set the print world on fire with his dynamic reporting style and controversial commentaries . All he needed was an ' in ' . He would take any position that was available in the newsroom - anything at all , even errand boy to the big shots . Wouldn 't take them long to see what he had to offer . Wouldn 't take long at all . . . Eight months later , Ralph was still in his quiet room at the back on the second floor at the ' Y ' . He had become quite close , in fact , with some of the ex - wannabe something or others . Most of them weren 't all that bad , really . When Ralph 's savings dried up because he couldn 't seem to get on at any of the local papers , a couple of them hooked him up with a position at the burger joint on the corner . It only paid minimum wage , but it wasn 't like Ralph had to spend any of his meager paycheck on gas to get to work . A couple of minutes ' worth of walking and he was there . On his off days , he stayed in his room and slept mostly . What was the point of staying up , after all . No newspaper , periodical , magazine , or flyer shop in the city would hire him . It wasn 't just that he couldn 't get a job as a reporter . He couldn 't even get a job mopping floors in any of the media buildings . Ralph didn 't understand where he had gone wrong . He had personally walked into the office of every editor of every publication in the city . No one had tried to stop him as he made his way through the maze of secretaries and reporters , and as he got closer to the editor 's offices , the excitement in the air was palpable . He could hear the tick , tick , tick of the typewriters , phones constantly ringing on every desk , men and women literally running with articles in their hands trying to meet deadline . He could picture himself as one of them , a pencil behind one ear , a smoke behind the other , sipping on his twelfth cup of stale coffee , his editor putting everything on hold waiting for his brilliant headline copy . . . By the time he arrived at each editor 's door , his head was swimming . This was the life he was born to live - this was his destiny . Unfortunately , no one had let any of the editors in on that little tidbit of information . Every ' interview ' was a carbon copy of the previous one . Ralph would knock on the door and a voice would tell him to ' come on in ' . Friendly , but professionally detached . The voice of someone who controlled the dissemination of daily city - , state - , and world - wide occurrences . Ralph had never met or spoken with an editor , but he just knew they were the heart and soul of the newsroom . They decided who covered what and when , and how much of it actually hit the streets . So much responsibility - so much power . Ralph wasn 't sure if he should sit down or remain standing once he entered , but decided to take his cue from the man he came to see . Once he did enter however , it didn 't quite turn out the way he had anticipated . In very newsroom , in every editor 's office , he encountered a basically well - groomed , but extremely psychotic individual , sitting behind a desk covered with several stacks of papers each at least 15 inches high . When Ralph would walk in , the man would glance up with a look of utter confusion on his face , and say ' what ' . Interestingly enough , it was not spoken as a question but more on the order of a brutal declarative . Once Ralph regained his composure , his response was always the same . He would state , quietly and respectfully , that he was a fledgling reporter looking for an opportunity to get in on the ground floor . He would begin to explain how that had been his dream since he was a youth , and , it was at that point that Ralph would receive the universal sign of dismissal - the sweep of the raised hand in his direction - and the man behind the desk would retreat back into one of his stacks of papers . Ralph figured it was a bad time ; too close to deadline perhaps , so he alternated days and times and kept trying , but to no avail . After months of what he perceived as beating his head against a wall , Ralph decided it was time to go home , and crawl inside the black hole that was Swaying Falls . Maybe he could speak to Chester Mankowsky about taking him on as a reporter , and about possibly spicing up the town 's paper . While it would be difficult to come up with anything newsworthy there , it would be a beginning - a launching pad of sorts . Perhaps the timing just wasn 't right - planets not aligned right , or some such other thing , Ralph wasn 't certain . But , one thing he knew for sure . He had given it his best shot and since nothing was clicking for him , he 'd just go back home and bide his time . He 's save his money , and head for the city lights again . Only this time , he 's probably skip the ' Y ' , with all its resident losers . There was no way he was going to be the backdoor boy - toy of some divorcee either . Maybe he 'd just save up a bit more and he 'd get his own apartment or maybe buy a condo . Give it a few months , maybe a year , Ralph thought , and I 'll get on with a paper . I ' l be a bit older and have more experience under my belt . Yeah . I 'll just bide my time . Twenty years worth of biding his time later , there he sat . Shortly after Ralph 's homecoming , Chester did take him on , but was adamant about having him forego the byline thing . His was a newspaper of , by , and for the town , and it somehow just didn 't seem moral to try to take credit for sharing important information with one 's family and friends . Ralph knew then , beyond a shadow of a doubt , that Chester was completely crazy , but , since beggars can 't be choosers , he decided against an altercation . Nothing would be accomplished ; he was certain of that , and no sense making an enemy out of his only employment opportunity in the tri - state area . And so , he still sat , staring at a blank piece of paper in his typewriter , still trying to figure out how to spark up the feed story . Lord knows it was a hot topic thereabouts and once word got around that was the headline , the papers would be off Chester 's shelves like hotcakes . Ralph decided to wait until he had a second strong cup of coffee . Maybe that would get the juices flowing and he could dig up some shred of enthusiasm for this story . He seriously doubted that , but anything was worth a try . This article did have to be written , and it did have to be written today . Best to finish it and run it over to Chester 's . That way , he could stop thinking about it and head over to that new place that opened just outside of town . He had heard it was a pretty decent place to eat ; of course , anything was a step up from Molly 's Diner . Molly MacDill was a decent enough dame , and Ralph didn 't really have anything against her , but that diner of hers was something right out of a bad movie . Ralph ate there , like most of the townsfolk , but that was because it was the town 's only eatery . Ralph however , preferred to get most of his meals from Molly 's on a to - go basis . The place was usually packed with the I - can 't - wait - to - leave - this - dump twenty - somethings chattering on and on about their hopes and dreams and plans - yes , plans . They usually had plans , and Ralph hated them . He hated each and every one of them with their plans to leave Swaying Falls , and get high - paying jobs in the city , buy townhouses and condos , live the good life , live a real life . . . Ralph finished his second cup of instant , lit another smoke , sat down at the typewriter and began . No sense in agonizing over it anymore , he thought , just write it . Nobody 's going to read it anyway since Jeremy Spengler already bragged to everyone within earshot of his store 's doorway about carrying the big city brand of feed . He pulled the paper out of the typewriter , folded it and shoved it in his ipnts pocket and headed over to Chester 's . Drop the article off and head on out to have dinner , he thought , shaking his head in disgust ; this was going to be yet another magical night . Ralph took Main Street going north toward Tippettville . He kept checking both sides of the road looking for the new joint . He couldn 't recall the name , but since it would be the only other place to eat in that part of the county , he was sure he 'd recognize it . Tippettville was the closest town to Swaying Falls , but all they had was a soda fountain in their drug store . You could get a burger and some chips and maybe a root beer float , but chances were slim to none of getting a complete meal . Lights appeared in the distance on his left as he crossed the bridge over Wildon 's Creek and as he got closer , Ralph could see the place . The sign was on the roof of the building and flashed the name in alternating red , green , and yellow lights , some of which had already burned out . My , my , my , he started to laugh , another high class joint to be sure . The name , when all the lights came on together , appeared to be Soldano 's . Ralph wasn 't sure what the significance of having the different colored lights was , but there were a lot of cars in the lot , and as far as he was concerned , that was recommendation enough . The place was pleasant enough , and Ralph recognized several couples from Swaying Falls . He figured the others had to be from Tippettville , since no one in their right mind would drive 50 plus miles from surrounding towns or from the city to come and eat here in Nowheresville , USA . It was classier than Molly 's though ; they had a hostess here who seated you Ralph hadn 't been in a restaurant that had a hostess in years . Maybe tonight wasn 't going to be all bad after all . He was shown to his table , which was in the back of the dining room and next to a table at which a young man sat , alone . Ralph noticed the young man was looking around and jotting things down in a notebook , sipping his iced tea , taking a bite of his meatloaf , a quick drag of his cig , and then jotting again . Ralph had never seen him before and wondered what he was up to . " Oh no , " Ralph continued . " I was just wondering . I don 't mean to be nosy , but I noticed you looking around and writing things down and I was just wondering if you were one of those food critics or health department people , or something like that ? " " Well , none to speak of at the moment . You see , I have always wanted to be a reporter for a newspaper or a magazine , and I haven 't had much luck getting on with the city papers , so I thought maybe if I tried some small town papers , they might give me a chance to prove myself . I don 't know what kind of stuff goes on in this area , so I thought I 'd start with the restaurants and write up a sample column rating them . The problem is , this is the only restaurant around for quite a ways , except for the small diner over in Swaying Falls . Are you familiar with Swaying Falls ? " Ralph could see the change come over the young man 's face . He was impressed alright - sitting up straighter and eager to hear more . Oh so eager . " Ralph Debumarsey here . I report all the news in Swaying Falls . I 've got kind of an exclusive territory there . You should come by sometime and I 'll show you an issue . Right now , it 's just local stuff , but I 've got plans to go county - wide and then cover state events . I 've just got some details to work out . " " Wow , " Basil had turned his chair to face Ralph 's table . " I would love to come by sometime . I know it 's in the early stages , but I 'd still like to see your operation , your office , you know . Do you think it would be possible for me to accompany you on your rounds some time or when you go out on a call ? I wouldn 't get in the way , I promise . It 's just that I 've never met a real reporter before and I know I could learn so much from you if you wouldn 't mind me tagging along . Not all the time , mind you , I wouldn 't want to bother you , but just sometime ? Do you think that would be at all possible , sir ? " ' Sir ' . This young man called him ' sir ' . No one had called Ralph ' sir ' in . . . , well , no one had ever called Ralph ' sir ' . It felt really good in an odd sort of way . He wondered what the young man would call him if he accompanied Ralph on his ' rounds ' to the grocer to pick up that week 's specials , to the motel to pick up that week 's continental breakfast menu , to the elementary school to pick up that week 's dessert offerings . . . Not only that , Ralph couldn 't wait to have Basil tag along with him to his ' office ' while he wrote his columns . He wondered if the young man would knock himself out on the lower ceiling while climbing over Ralph 's bed so he could sit next to him at the desk . My God , Ralph thought , what the hell am I going to do now ? " Gee , Basil , why don 't you let me have your number and I 'll give you a call and we 'll set something up , okay ? Right now , uh , temporarily , I 'm working out of a small boarding house attic . That 's a laugh , huh ? Anyway , it 's cozy and gives me a place to hang my hat and write undisturbed . When I get a hot lead , Ill call you and we can meet . It wouldn 't take you long to catch up with me . So , if you 're able to pick up and go on a second 's notice , because that 's how the newspaper game operates , we 'll play it by ear . What do you say ? " " I 've got to get going , got some calls to make , but you call me any time , day or night , and I 'll be there in a flash . Thanks so much , Ralph . Uh , is it okay if I call you Ralph ? " " Absolutely , " Ralph said . " Wouldn 't have it any other way . You take care , and I 'll be in touch . ' kay ? " Ralph would swear the kid was glowing as he exited the restaurant - yeah , glowing . Ah , the fervor of the young . He remembered the passion of his youth - one with which he used to view life in general , but now ? Well , maybe I can find something to interest this kid , he smiled to himself , something a little more exciting than Spengler 's New York City feed . But , where ? Ralph finished his meal , which wasn 't half bad actually , took part of the tip the junior copy boy had left and added it to his own and left a fiver on top of his bill and made his way outside . He decided this was going to be an all - nighter , trying to figure out some way to keep this Basil character believing he was a real newspaper reporter , and not what he really was : A broken down , old , never - used - to - be , nobody . But , first things first . Ralph realized he had to seriously pee , and no way was he going back inside just to use their bathroom . People knew when you did that , just went in places to use the toilet , and they 'd talk about it after you left . He decided to head around to the back of the building and just relieve himself in nature 's own backyard . No one would see him back there , so what harm could it do ? The man came out of nowhere , stumbling , and mumbling something about God and white sand beaches . Ralph was just finishing zipping up his pants when the man shoved him up against the wall . The man smelled like he vacationed in the sewer , and Ralph was terrified he 'd faint , and then the man would touch him , or worse , while he was out . That picture was too much for Ralph to accept without a fight , and he pulled himself up firmly on his feet , grabbed this creature that crawled out of the swamp , and pushed him away with all the strength he could dredge up . A terrible cracking noise filled the air and seemed to echo throughout the alley . Ralph looked down and braced himself , expecting to have to dodge a fist , but the man didn 't move . A pool of blood was beginning to form around his head and shoulders . Even in the dim light , Ralph could see the man 's partially open eyes were fixed in a vacant stare . " Oh my God , " Ralph gasped . " Hey ? Are you okay ? You pushed me and I couldn 't let you get away with . . . I thought you were going to . . . Answer me ! " Ralph began to nudge the man with his foot , but the man remained still . Damn , Ralph shuddered , , I 've killed him . He saw part of the large rock the man 's head had hit when he fell and noticed the pool of blood was getting bigger . I 'd better not get any of this on me , he thought . I 've got to get out of here , got to think . Ralph looked around and not seeing anyone , went back , sat in his car and lit a butt from his ashtray . Got to call the Sheriff and just explain , Ralph was telling himself . I mean , it was just an accident . The guy 's probably a nobody , clothes all messed up , hasn 't had a bath in God - knows when , hanging out by the dumpster in back of a restaurant . . . Wait a minute ! Wait just a freakin ' minute ! Why should I set myself up for a lot of grief here , he thought , going to the Sheriff 's office , telling the same story a hundred times , and what am I going to get for all this ? Absolutely nothing but a headache and a sleepless night , and tomorrow morning , nobody 's going to remember any of this . But , now , if I went inside the restaurant and hollered for somebody to call the Sheriff because I had just witnessed a , shall we way , murder out back , but can 't identify the killer , well , things might turn out a bit different then . Sure , I 'd have to still go to the Sheriff 's office and tell the same story a hundred times , but tomorrow morning , everybody would know about it because I 'd go home and write about it for the paper . Oh , yeah , Chester , then you 'd sell your weight in papers with that story on the front page , and I would have to put my name on that one so everyone would know it happened to me . " Look , you shouldn 't have come at me like that , but what 's done is done . I can 't afford to screw up what little of a life I have over a stupid accident . Besides , we 'll find out your name and you 'll become kind of immortal when I identify you in my column . Can you even hear me , or are you all the way dead ? " Ralph continued to look down at the man for a moment longer , and tried to figure out how he was going to handle this . He grabbed his own shirt and pulled so as to tear one of his sleeves . This happened , he would say , when he struggled with the assailant . He smudged his face with some dirt , messed up his hair and tore one of his jacket pockets . Yes , indeedy , this will work , he thought , this will work just fine . He started to yell and stomp and pound on the wall at the back of the building , then ran around the corner and in the main entrance , breathing heavily , and flung himself on the candy counter at the front . Everyone in the place was looking at him now . Here we go . Lights , camera . . . This was the way it should have been all along , everyone crowding around him , patting him on the back , asking him if he was alright , trying to counsel him after his traumatic ordeal . Ralph was in his element now . He had taken the hands of the cashier in his and , holding back a tear , asked her to call the Sheriff because there was an unfortunate soul out back who had been murdered , yes , he did say murdered , right in front of his very own eyes . She had gone all pale and looked about to keel over , but had managed to hold herself together long enough to pick up the phone and call the Tippettville Sheriff 's office . Ralph had never met anyone from Tippettville , with the exception of his newly acquired admirer , Basil , and this lawman of theirs was a real piece of work . He arrived around ten or fifteen minutes after the cashier had called him , and Ralph had been directed to a chair and was sipping a warm glass of some kind of bitter purple wine the manager had given him . As soon as he entered , everyone pointed to Ralph , their hands trembling , all remembering the life and death struggle the two men had just engaged in ; one one sipping wine inside who had obviously triumphed over the attacker and the other one lying behind the building who obviously had not . Ralph believed that was a good start ; not too hysterically told , fairly sequential , and vague enough not to trip him up later . The Sheriff motioned for him to remain seated and went out back to investigate . He returned and used his cell phone to call for the town doctor and the funeral home 's hearse to come and pick up the body . He walked over to Ralph , who finished the glass of odd - tasting wine with a shudder . " Listen , fella , I know you 've been through a lot this evening , but I 'm going to need you to accompany me to the office and give me a statement . Maybe you remember more than you think you do , and maybe you could give us a description of the guy who did that out there . Then again maybe not , but sometimes there are small details that people think don 't mean anything and they can end up being very helpful . Do you need to see a doctor first ? Are you able to drive over , or would you like to leave your car here for the time being and ride over with me ? " Ralph knew he had died and gone to heaven . It 's about time I was treated like I was somebody , he thought . It 's about freakin ' time . " No , sir , " he tried very hard not to laugh . " I 'm able to drive and I don 't believe I 've been injured . Not like that poor man outside . I don 't know what provoked that confrontation out there , but it 's all just so tragic . Certainly , I 'll follow you over and provide whatever assistance I can . " Ralph took great pleasure in all the pats on the back he received on the way out , and especially enjoyed the winks he received from a couple of the women . He couldn 't wait to get all this over with and get back to his room so he could write it all up and get the article , his article , over to Chester , so a special edition of the paper could be run . This time , it would be a special edition because it wouldn 't have an anonymously written copy . This time , Ralph 's name would be all over it . When he arrived home , he immediately got the hot plate going since this was most definitely an occasion for a hot cup of instant . His time in the Sheriff 's office , providing his statement , had been brief , which surprised him . Ralph had thought he would be given the third degree , as it were , but to his delight , the officer didn 't ask him too many questions . It was more a matter of ' do you take cream and sugar in your coffee ' , ' here 's a legal pad and a pen to just write down what happened ' , ' sign and date it ' , and ' you 're free to go ' . Ralph was stunned . True , he hadn 't murdered anybody ; well , killed , maybe , but not on purpose , but still , somebody ended up dead . He wondered why that didn 't seem to be too big of a deal . Possibly , the man was homeless and didn 't have any family or friends as Ralph had originally thought , but one would think that wouldn 't matter to law enforcement . After all , a killed person was still a killed person , regardless of their station in life , right ? Evidently not here in Tippettville . Odd behavior on the part of a policeman to be sure , but certainly beneficial to Ralph . He had been able to get out of there lickety - split , and would have plenty of time to write his column and get it to Chester so he could get the edition printed by breakfast - time . Residents of Swaying Falls began their meandering right after they had their morning coffee and oat flakes and Chester 's was where the congregating commenced . Everyone would see the paper and Ralph 's column and then they would know - then they would all know . Ralph wondered if he should call the kid and let him in the on the big scoop . Yes , but after the paper hit the street - definitely after . He 'd tell Basil he 'd been traumatized and needed to rest , but of course , the second he 'd arrived home , he knew he had to get the column in the hopper . That 's what a reporter does , he 'd say , get it down regardless of what you 've been through . That would impress the hell out of the little boot - licker , but it would also keep him out of Ralph 's hair . Ralph plumped the pillows on his daybed , put his hands behind his head , laid down and took a deep breath . He closed the curtains by his desk , but the sun was still shining brightly through , although he didn 't care . He was exhausted and it felt great . Sitting at his typewriter to write this column - his column - had been the easiest thing he had ever done . The words flowed smoothly and when it was completed , he didn 't even bother to go over it to make any edits . He could feel the power of it as he held it in his hands . This was what he had been waiting for these past twenty some odd years ; this was the beginning , and there was no way Ralph was going to let this slip away from him . No freakin ' way . Swaying Falls is alive and prospering now solely because of me , Ralph laughed out loud , and didn 't care who heard him this time . Coming home to his new digs at the downtown hotel was just another reminder of all he had done for the sorry - ass residents of this fly - speck on the way to oblivion . Those in transition weren 't transitioning anymore . They were putting down roots , and expanding the family businesses . Funny how murder draws them all in , he thought ; one would think murder in , and around , a town would drive folks away . Well , ' one ' would be oh so wrong . It occurred to Ralph that , after the third or fourth one , this whole process was getting easier and less stressful . The latest was what , number six ? Let 's see , he thought , first there was the disgusting creep behind Soldano 's , which technically was an accident . If only he could have known the phenomenal effect his passing had on Ralph 's career . As it turned out , the weirdo had been homeless , and no friends or relatives could be located . Those who had been in the restaurant the night it happened had all contributed so he could have a decent burial with a headstone . Ralph , naturally , had been the most generous donor . Then , there was the old broad in the support shoes , toting the canvas grocery bag , who needed help climbing the stairs in the rundown tenement in which she lived . Ralph had helped her climb the stairs alright ; almost made it to the top too , before she tripped over that heavy canvas bag she 'd been dragging . Too bad , and messy too . Nasty way to die . The jogger in the park had been next . He had been hydrating himself from a full flask he carried . Ralph had guessed Crown Royal when it had fallen and spilled on the grass . The approach had gone smoothly with Ralph joining him for a friendly late afternoon jog on the deserted trail . They had shook hands , laughed a bit and the man had even offered Ralph a sip right before he stepped into a hole and fell and hit his head on that water fountain - hard . You could never be too careful ; holes in the ground sometimes just appeared out of nowhere . The hooker and her john turned out to be Ralph 's daily double . They had been getting to know each other behind the sales office of the used car lot on the edge of town . Ralph knew that spot was utilized at that time of night for happy hour , and took a chance . He parked his car at the business next door and crept around and sure enough , there they were getting ' happy ' . Their focus was not exactly on the world around them , and it had been no problem for Ralph to come up behind the girl and hit her over the head with the pipe he had found leaning up against one of the sheds . When she fell , the man just stodo there and looked at Ralph ; didn 't make a move or say a thing . Crazy how people react in a crisis , Ralph thought . When Ralph swung the pipe at his head and connected , the man didn 't make a sound then either . He just fell over , quietly . Easy peasy ; two for one . Yes , tonight , number six it was - the dried up old man on his way to the drug store to pick up his asthma inhaler . Old people shouldn 't be out alone at this hour , Ralph thought . Why , something bad could happen to them , couldn 't it ? Well , something bad did happen to this one - that 's for sure . Beaten to death with his own cane right there on the sidewalk ten feet from his front door . Darn shame . What 's this world coming to . . . What the hell , who 's counting anyway . He already had his book deal signed , sealed and delivered , and he was confirmed on three cable crime documentaries . He was thinking this might be a good time to start scaling back , what with that bottom feeder dogging him all the time . Good ole boy , Sheriff Dan , had mentioned it in passing that he found it suspect that Ralph was always first on the scene of all those deaths he was reporting on . Ralph had responded , also in passing , that it all came down to a reporter 's instinct , but the flatfoot had appeared less than convinced . Measures would definitely need to be taken . It had been kind of a kick in the beginning , making those calls to the station , alternating between claiming to be a witness and claiming to be the killer , and leaving tantalizing clues at all the scenes that , of course , led absolutely nowhere . Ralph wouldn 't see Danny Boy for a couple of days , and then , out of the blue , there he 'd be : On the street in front of the hotel , a couple of tables over while Ralph was having lunch at Molly 's , sitting in his car staring at Ralph coming out of the grocery . . . This rummy had hit on Ralph 's last nerve two bodies ago . Time 's come to leave his life as a reporter behind , Ralph thought , and cross over and assume his role of international correspondent . Interviews , film cameos , and possibly a movie of the week ; shouldn 't keep them waiting . Ralph knew it just didn 't get any better than this . The kid was coming along nicely too , following him around like a lapdog hoping to be thrown a scrap . Contacting Basil following each murder and allowing him to type the articles while Ralph dictated had been a brilliant move . It allowed the little suck - up to feel involved without having any real input or being able to steal any of Ralph 's thunder . The arrest , indictment and trial did all occur with unanticipated precision . He had been charged with six counts of first degree murder . That the death of the perv behind Soldano 's had been added as murder One truly surprised Ralph . That one , at most , should have been ruled as accidental . At arraignment , he had entered a plea of not guilty , as expected , having been advised by the best the Public Defender 's pool had to offer . Interestingly enough , bond had been requested and granted ; not the norm for a capital case . Of course , this was Tippettville - not the norm by any means . The case was being prosecuted there since the deaths all occurred in , or near , their jurisdiction . The jury , however , was hand - picked from Ralph 's main stomping ground of Swaying Falls , and quite the vindictive bunch they turned out to be . As he watched and listened to them during the selection process , the air was thick with bias , but the judge was deaf , blind , and most assuredly dumb as hell . There were no jury instructions about not discussing the case until deliberation , and the street corners and shop doorways were constantly abuzz with detailed descriptions of evidence presented and testimony obtained . From the perspective of these two towns , this was the trial of the century . From Ralph 's point of view , this was the century 's biggest practical joke . Seeing as how a man 's life was hanging in the balance so to speak , that did seem to detract somewhat from the humor of it all though . The exhibits and photographs filled the pint - size courtroom vestibule , while most of the spectators stood along the walls and crouched in the aisles between the rows of benches . People brought boxed lunches and coolers filled with soda pop and ice cream bars . Ralph wondered if they were permitted to witness the execution whether they 'd bring hot dogs and their toddlers ' bouncy seats along . The testimony now , that was brutal . People he 'd known all his life as quiet , unassuming small - town mopes , suddenly became hateful , accusatory vipers . Ralph had to admit though , it did surprise him that they obviously took great relish in the fact that their words could send a fellow human being to his death . Talk about not being able to judge books by their covers . . . When the verdict was read , everyone in the courtroom cheered , including the judge and all the members of the jury . While Ralph deemed this totally inappropriate , he did find it humorous , in a grotesque sort of way . It was , of course , guilty on all counts , and the sentence was indeed pronounced to be death . No real shock there either , he thought . Bloodthirsty bastards , all . So , here we are in the now , he thought , in this limbo , this portal between life and the everlasting . The sedative 's already been administered and soon , his eyes would close for the last time , but no sweet dreams would invade his slumber this night . He remembered the struggle and all the heartache , all to win what prize ? A deadly cocktail administered in the State 's death chamber ? Did this end justify those means ? Oh , hell , yeah , Ralph thought . Hell feakin ' yeah . He did briefly feel a weak tug at his own heart for young Basil whose life would be coming to a supposedly painless conclusion soon , but hey : It wasn 't as if he didn 't really know how the game was played . Come on , everybody did . Didn 't they ? It had been laughably easy to set the chump up to take the fall , considering his irritating way of fawning over his self - appointed mentor . The fool had developed tunnel vision from the second Ralph had taken him under his wing . Leaving his butts everywhere , ripe for the taking , only to be strategically placed at the crime scenes . . . What 's the matter , newsboy ? Never heard of a new thing called DNA ? You pick up a bag and a flask to move them so you can sit on the only chair made available to you , and they show up later on or near a murder victim . . . Oops , kid , you got to keep up with the times - they do fingerprints these days . Ralph had never visited his protege on Death Row , and his presence had never been requested . Odd how the boy seemed to passively resign himself to his fate . He had wanted to learn from the best , and he had to know that he did learn from the best . And , at approximately seven minutes after midnight , the kid was about to learn the most important lesson of all . It has been so long since we even had a meal together - - so long since you felt strong enough to leave the sanctity of your room . When mommy left us to be with that awful man , I was so afraid for you . I did tell you that everything would be alright someday soon , and I wasn 't lying to you , was I ? At least you know I would never do that . I remember that dark day like it was yesterday , as I 'm certain you do as well , my pet . You had prepared a lovely breakfast , as was your habit in those days , and she had sat there and watched and said not a word . After we 'd finished your delightful meal , without so much as a moment 's hesitation , she began to laugh and stated she was leaving us to spend her life with a man she had met at the mall . Who leaves the loves of their life to spend what time they have left with someone they meet at a mall ? As I have always tried to tell you , Father , sometimes there is no accounting for taste . She had already packed a few things , and instead of taking them and leaving with some shred of dignity , she sat back and waited for the awful man to come and pick her up here . Here . At our home . I was beyond horrified at the audacity of this woman , and I could see the pain creeping in and beginning to consume you . I couldn 't bear to see you weep , so I hurried to wait in the awful man 's car for them so we could discuss this matter rationally and calmly . She needed to understand that the die had been cast , and , even if things didn 't work out as planned with the awful man , her return would not be permitted since this was no longer her home . The awful man needed to understand something too . His interference in our previously idyllic lives was not going to be tolerated . We spoke at great length and I can assure you - - they both understood . Neither will darken our doorway again . I should probably mention that your new lady friend that you invited to my party will be unable to attend . I paid her a short visit while you were napping after lunch and we had such a pleasant chat . She wasn 't aware that your heart had been broken in the recent past and that her current intrusion into your life was ill advised . But , after I explained it all to her in the greatest of detail , it became crystal clear . What it is that you need - - all that you need actually - - is family right now . Family . The love of family is what heals the wounds of the heart and mind . Family . Only . Do you like my new dress , my sweet ? I secretly saved all my allowance to be able to buy it myself so I 'd have something extra special to wear for you today . All this beautiful white lace - - it 's almost completely stained crimson now - - your blood pooling around me , warm and soothing . The musicians and some of the guests have begun to arrive . Why are you all just standing in the doorway ? It 's alright to come in now and just set your presents down on the big table . You may use the big knife I 've brought down to begin cutting the cake . You might want to give it a quick rinse first though . I am a writer , who has had two crime fiction novels , a six - part children 's fantasy series . and a poetry collection published by DiskUsPublishing , stories published in various anthologies , as well as flash pieces on various ezines . My current projects include two crime fiction novels . Florida . The sunshine state . A land of oranges , theme parks , and hundreds of miles of beaches . In this land of endless summers and crystal blue water , people are dying in ways the likes of which the local police have never seen . Each dea . . . This is a book that anyone and everyone who enjoys a wild ride must read . The characters are beyond unique , the primary setting is beyond imagination and the story ? Whoa ! This story will snatch you up right from the start and then tw . . . If you are looking for a collection of thrillers , I would recommend looking elsewhere . There are a couple of stories that are very good and are quite disturbing , which I feel thrillers should be . But the majority of t . . . |
I was going to continue to work on the 30 days of memories , but life has gotten too hectic for me and I just cannot finish . I need a break . I am SO over this deployment , I 'm over being a single mommy and I 'm over school . I 'm over the students being lazy and rude , I 'm over working my butt off and getting no where . I 'm just over it . So , I am taking a break . Hopefully it won 't be too long , but I need to re - energize myself , not only for me , but for my husband and my kiddos . They are of course my top priority . I hope you all understand . Thanks ! I went to college for Elementary Education . I have wanted to be a teacher since I was in third grade . I even had my own classroom set up down in our basement . It is the only thing I ever wanted to do . My internship in 4th grade was amazing ! It was an amazing experience . Seeing as I graduated in December , I knew I wouldn 't find a job until the summer for the next school year . So I substitute taught , and learned a LOT . The economy was already starting to go downhill at this point and it was REALLY hard to find a teaching job in Michigan . I mean like there was one job opening and 800 applicants . Then one day my mom called me from Florida and said a lady she knew taught at an elementary school and was willing to giver her principal my resume because they had quite a few openings for the following schools year . I was super excited ! I sent her my resume and made sure my application was filled out online . The day I was helping out with a field day at the school I interned at , I got a phone call from that principal asking me to come in for an interview ! ! ! I was soooo excited ! My mom and I worked it out and I flew down to Florida to meet with them . I also sent my resume to almost all of the elementary schools in the area . I thought I could teach at least one or two years down here and if I didn 't like it then I could move back home . Well , I went to my interview with about 1 million butterflies in my belly . I made it through the interview with no major mistakes and even made them laugh ( they asked me where I was from and I told them the town and pointed to it on my hand , it 's a Michigan thing ) . I guess I stuck with them . They gave me the line that they had a few more interviews and would call me in about a week . Ahhhh ! They wanted me to wait that long ? ? ? Geeze ! The next day I was laying in my mom 's pool reading a book , it was about 4pm and the sky opened up and started down pouring on me . ( that summer the rains were like clockwork , every day at 4 it would rain ) As I got undercover , my cell phone rang . It was that principal , she was calling to offer me the job ! ! ! ! ! Holy cow ! ! ! ! I think I repeated myself like 10 times , then finally said yes and thank you ! I literally started jumping up and down ! I had to call my mom and dad of course , who were very excited for me . It literally was the best day ever ! ! ! I then had to do all of the paperwork and such in two days before I had to fly back up to Michigan and pack up my apartment . I taught one year at that school , it was the hardest year of my life , but I learned a lot . I then moved schools due to surplussing and found I was much better suited to teaching the upper grades and have liked teaching middle school ever since . But I have to say it was one of the best moves I have ever made . It 's scary moving to a new place where you know only one person . But living closer to my mom has been amazing . Also if I hadn 't moved down here I never would have met M and I wouldn 't have Little L or Baby E . I still can 't imagine doing anything else with my life other than teaching . There are times that I cannot stand it , but for the most part , I really do love it . I feel very lucky to have found a job I like and can do for the next 25 - 30 years . : ) Posted by When I started college , I decided I wanted to join a sorority , being an only child growing up , I missed having a sister or brother to always hang out with . I missed having something in common with someone , and I didn 't know anyone at my college except for my roommate , who I didn 't know all that well . I know a lot of people think that when you join one you are " buying " your friends , I however have to disagree . I have met some of the best people in the entire world through my sorority , they are lifelong friends . It is interesting , I had all of these thoughts going into recruitment . I thought I wanted to live in a sorority house , I thought I wanted certain things . But through out the process , I realized it was the people that I needed to like to find the place where I " fit " . It was an emotional week . After each stage of recruitment , each potential new member ranked the houses from their first preference to their bottom , then the houses would rank the people they met , the ones they liked best and thought fit in their house the best at the top , then compared the two lists . As you went through the stages you went to fewer and fewer houses , then you were only allowed to rank the houses you saw . I was sad when I wasn 't invited back to one of my favorite houses . But my Rho Chi ( or recruitment leader ) told me to go into the next stages with my mind open . I 'm glad I did . The one thing that turned me off about the house I joined at the beginning was the fact that the house was smaller than the rest and there was no requirement to live in the house , unless you held an executive position . Going through the stages , you always wonder if you will get the house you want . Were you a good match like you thought , or did they have other ideas in mind . Near the end of the recruitment stages I was liking Delta Gamma so much more . I felt comfortable there and like they weren 't asking me to be someone I wasn 't . I finally made the choice that I wanted to be a part of Delta Gamma , now I just hoped that they wanted me too . Finally the night Kathryn B I talked about Prom yesterday , so I thought it was only fitting to talk about graduation . Now I 'm sure you 're thinking , " why is she writing about graduation ? " It can 't be that exciting . Well , I will have to say it was a great day and had it 's own surprises . In my hometown , seniors take their exams a whole week before everyone else , then we are done with high school until the Sunday before the last week of school . Let me tell you , it was awesome being done two whole weeks before everyone else ! On the day of Graduation , we were to be at the school early , so I drove myself and met up with my friends . We had to take pictures and then wait around , the ole hurry up and wait . Finally it was time to line up outside ( our graduation was on the football field ) , we had just gotten word we were going to start walking . . . . when literally . . . . . the sky opened up and it started down pouring ! ! ! There was mass chaos as everyone tried to figure out what to do and where to duck and cover . Of course the girls were upset their hair got ruined and the boys wanted to go out and play in it . : ) We were finally instructed to wait in the gym to see if the rain would stop or not . I think we sat around for like an hour or so , they decided to move the ceremony into the stuffy gym . Once everyone got settled , they started the ceremony . The one major thing I remember is when they called my name was thinking to myself " don 't trip , don 't trip , remember to smile , don 't trip ! " We also had to listen to our three valedictorians . I don 't remember much else from the ceremony , other than I couldn 't believe I had finally made it . I was finally a high school graduate ! That night we had our senior night . It was a blast ! My best friend and I did the bungee run thing like 10 times . I was so sore the next day , but it was worth it . They also had food , other bouncy games , swimming , you could make your own music video , massages , and a ton of other things . At the end of the evening / morning they had everyone go to the auditorium , where they had a wheel thing set up and called people down to win prizes . I remember sitting there , thinking I was tired when I heard my name called . I never win anything ! So I went up there , spun the wheel . . . . . and would you believe it . . . . I won a TV ! ! ! ! ! I was so excited ! ! Not bad for my first win . : ) All in all , it was a great day and evening ! I 'll have to see if I can find any of my pictures from that day and night and update the post . : ) Posted by Ok , so I have gone through all of the major memories of my life with M . I really enjoyed re - living those moments . Now we are going to go back in time , way back in time , to my Senior Prom . : ) I think it 's a pretty good story . Back story : I met this guy on a trip to Europe that I went on with a People to People Student Ambassador group , he was everything I wasn 't supposed to like . He was rough around the edges , but so soft and sweet on the inside . He liked hard rap music , wore baggy pants , not the clean cut guys my mom thought I should be with . I fell madly in love . I would say he was my first love and first heart break . We started dating on this trip and continued it once we got home . It proved to be hard to continue once we got home seeing as he lived 30 - 45 minutes away from me . Even though we ended things a few months later , I felt I was still in love with him . Speed up to my senior year and prom was coming up . I had no idea who I was going to go with . I didn 't want to just go with a friend , like I did for homecoming . A good friend of mine told me not to worry about anything , she would get me a prom date . Let 's just say I was REALLY nervous about who she would find . I went to her house a couple weeks before prom and she handed me a card . It said something along the lines of " It will be a wonderful night . . . . . because you have a prom date ! " ( I think I still have the actual card ) I couldn 't believe it . She had done it ! She told me to give her my money to buy the ticket because you had to list who your date was , and because I couldn 't know , she had to do it . I was a bundle of nerves all the way until the day of the prom . I woke up that morning , went and picked my friend up , got my hair did , then hung out until it was time to get dressed . I was really excited to wear my dress , it was a pretty blue color and very comfortable . Finally it was time , the time he was supposed to show up . The doorbell rang . . . . . . my heart stopped beating . . . . . I went to answer the door , I was litterally shaking from being so nervous . And who do you think was standing on the other side of the door ? ? ? Yup , it was him ! It was my ex - boyfriend who I was still in love with ! I couldn 't believe it ! I was the happiest girl in the world . He had just come back from Marine bootWe left to go to my friend 's house for pictures and for the limo . It was great being back with him . Yes our relationship had changed , but it was still a lot of fun to be with him . We went to dinner , then on to the prom . We had a ride ahead of us because our prom was at a place about 45min away from our town . We danced the whole night . We got our pictures taken and had a great time . I don 't remember much from that night , except that I had a great time with my ex , my best friend and her boyfriend . My senior prom was everything I had expected and dreamed of . I am so thankful to my friend who called my ex to find out if he would attend with me . I later found out , he literally just got back from basic the week before my prom . They weren 't 100 % sure he would make it . I am so thankful he did and have that as a great memory . Posted by This post will be kind of short tonight . I already wrote a post about R & R and my love / hate relationship with it . You can read about it here . I will add that I LOVED having my husband home for two whole weeks . What I didn 't talk about in the post was what happened leading up to our R & R . I had found out his dates for coming home and we were counting down the days . Then I got a phone call that they moved his up a little because there were too many people going at one time . I furiously cleaned our house . I mean I organized all of my paper piles , picked everything up , scrubbed everything . Our house looked amazing ! I was pretty proud of myself . The morning he was due to arrive , I was SOOO nervous ! I couldn 't concentrate on anything . I have NEVER had so many butterflies in my belly , or been so full of nervous energy . I was nervous if he had changed , how it would be once he got home and I wanted him to have a great R & R . I finished picking a few things up , I gave Little L a bath and made sure he was in clean clothes . I tried to make him take a nap , but of course our two year old had different plans . M asked me to bring his truck , the truck I don 't like to drive , the truck I had been fighting with since he left because the battery kept dying . Great ! Sure ! So , I made sure the truck was charged and cleaned . Finally it was time to get ready to leave . I packed the kids all up , made sure we had the stroller , the sign I made and tried to not sweat so much . . . . . which is funny when you are running around like a chicken with your head cut off and you live in Florida . : ) Hehe ! I made it to the airport in record time . I am so thankful that my friend Shannon and her husband where there . I don 't think I could have waited that half hour by myself . She kept me from totally losing it . When I finally saw that uniform walking down the hallway , I couldn 't contain my excitement ! ! ! ! He was finally here ! ! ! ! It was so great to be in his arms again ! Little L couldn 't stop smiling ! It was great seeing him with his daddy again . It was an amazing two weeks . We were a family again and everything was right in our little world . It was so hard to say good bye to him the second time . But we are finally working towards our countdown to homecoming . I think I told my OB that I was done being pregnant at the beginning of December . Baby E was taking up every available bit of space within me . I was uncomfortable , I couldn 't sleep , I couldn 't eat , I was just plain tired ! My OB explained that the hospital wouldn 't allow voluntary inducements until you reached 39 weeks . So , we decided on the first available day which happened to be December 13th . When I told M , he told me " absolutely not " . Thankfully we were able to change it to December 15th at 6am . I told M and we were hoping that the timing would be right and he would be back from his mission . My good Army Wife friend took me to dinner at Olive Garden the night before . It was soooo good ! I started to get uncomfortable sitting there . I was feeling pressure in my lower belly and in my back . I didn 't really pay any attention to it at the time . I figured I just ate too much . After dinner I went back to my mom 's house because she would be driving me to the hospital the next day . The morning of the 15th I woke up super early , took my shower and got ready for the hospital . I was still feeling uncomfortable , but couldn 't really tell if they were contractions or not . As we were walking into the hospital , M called on Skype . : ) I told him we just arrived and still needed to check in , he was glad because he still had paperwork left to finish . He said he would call when he was done . I got all checked in , I filled out more paperwork and answered a TON of questions . They finally got the IVs in and I had to wait for my OB to show up . They informed me it would just be a little bit before he would be here . . . . . . ummmm yea right ! I think I waited about an hour to two hours for him to show up . . . . . a little bit my butt . When the nurses hooked up the baby monitor around my belly they informed me I was actually having contractions on my own ! Yea ! ! ! Good news ! M called back before the OB showed up . Doc finally arrived , checked me and told me what would be happening . They would give me the pitocin , then check back on me in an hour or two and break my water and have a baby by dinner time . I was starting to get nervous , but I had M on Skype to talk to me . The connection was really good , I was surprised and very happy . About an hour later I felt a pop and my water broke . I have to tell you , sitting there , it 's a weird feeling . I was really glad that it happened on its own , also that I hadn 't gone into work because my water would have broken in the middle of class . Yuck ! Anywho . The pitocin kicks in and the contractions start getting harder , I asked for the first round of meds and they helped a little . Every time I got checked , I wasI woke M up and told him it was time . The one great thing these nurses did that my nurses with Little L didn 't do was when I was ready to push , they didn 't tell me to wait for the doctor . They got me all ready and had me start pushing . Oh my gosh ! I knew I swore a couple of times , but I didn 't care . It hurt so bad ! I wasn 't sure if I was going to be able to do it . Throughout the whole thing , all I could hear was M 's voice over Skype telling me to push and that I could do it . It was great having him " there " with me and being able to focus on his voice . After about 20min of pushing my little bundle of joy came out . She was sunny side up , which is what made the labor so hard , but she was healthy . She was born at 1 : 18pm on December 15th . I was in good labor for about 9 hours and pushed for 20min . I think that 's pretty good . It was rough being in the hospital having our baby without M . I know if it was up to him he would have been there in a heartbeat . But I am so glad I scheduled my induction ( even though my labor started on its own ) that way we were pretty sure he would be able to be " there " for the birth . It meant a lot to me to have him as close as he could be . He is an amazing husband and father . I just wish he would have been able to hold his baby girl after she was born . She is a very happy and healthy baby . I couldn 't ask for a better more " perfect " family than the one I have . I am truly blessed ! From what I have heard , our 4 day pass was not normal . The families were told at Yellow Ribbon 1 & 2 that once the men reached Ft . Bliss for MOB station , we would not be able to see them again . Some families were really upset of course . I guess normally everyone gets a 4 day pass and know about it in advance to plan , the guys can go home or the wives and girlfriends can go there . That is NOT how ours went . M called me one day and asked how easy it was for me to get time off . I thought this questions was weird at the time , but blew it off . ( I later found out he was trying to surprise me for his 4 day pass ) It was a Thursday night , I had just gotten done with a professional development class and was eating dinner with a friend . M called and we talked on my way to pick up Little L from his parents house . He asked me if I wanted to see him again before he left . Ummmm YES ! ! ! He told me they were thinking of giving the guys their 4 day pass , but it wasn 't for sure yet . I was told not to get my hopes up , but he would call back later with the news . So , I went home and got ready for work the next day . M called back at 10 : 00 that night . He told me they were getting their 4 day pass and that if I wanted to , I could come out to Texas and visit him . My mind just went blank . I was so excited , but I have never planned a trip and then left the following day . My trips are always planned in advance . Thankfully M realized I was shutting down and told me what I needed to do . He asked me to find the cheapest flight I could with times that would work . He then called his parents to see if they could watch Little L for the weekend . We decided it was better to not take him because it would only confuse him more . Plus we wanted some alone time together . I found a flight , then called in for a substitute for Friday afternoon . The plan was I would go into work that morning , pick Little L up from daycare , meet my MIL at our house and she would take me and Little L to the airport . We made it there in plenty of time and I was able to play with Little L for awhile . I swear the boy didn 't care that I was leaving . He was more interested in the fountain inside the airport . : ) I flew from Sarasota to Atlanta , then Atlanta to Ft . Bliss . The airport near Ft . Bliss is SMALL . When I finally made it there , I got my rental car and was told I needed to pick M up , of course was his unit staying at Ft . Bliss ? Nope they were at one of the camps about a half hour away . I had to navigate those crazy roads at night , and make sure I didn 't end up in Mexico , but I finally found him ( thank goodness for GPS ) . Oh my goodness ! ! ! ! It was GREAT to see him ! ! ! ! We drove back and found a hotel . The next morning we were able to have breakfast , we ended up going to Freedom Crossing . Oh my goodness ! ! ! ! Is that place pretty nice . Compared to the one at Ft . Leonardwood it was amazing ! We had lunch there , walked around . Then went back to the room for a nap . I can 't tell you how nice it is to be able to take a nap whenever you want . It 's amazing ! ! ! ! We decided to meet up with one other Lieutenant and his wife and another Lieutenant . It was fun hanging out with some other people . We had dinner , then walked around Wal - Mart . Exciting huh ? On my last day there ( those 4 day passes always go too quickly ) we went and saw a movie , then we found a REALLY good Steakhouse . I cannot remember the name , but we decided to share a steak and thank goodness we did . It came out and was HUGE ! ! ! ! It was one of the BEST steaks I 've ever had . I really enjoyed going out to dinner with him and have a nice meal . The day I left we had breakfast and hung out until it was time to take M back to Freedom Crossing where he would catch a bus to go back to the camp they were staying at . I swear those last few hours flew by . I couldn 't believe I was having to say " see you later " again . I am soooo thankful I went out to visit him . It was an amazing weekend . Even though we didn 't do anything spectacular , it was great just being together . Getting some alone time was great . It reminded me how much I truly do love him ( not that I ever really forget ) : ) I am sorry Little L wasn 't able to come , but I was glad we could afford for me to go out there . A lot of the soldiers weren 't able to have family come see them because of the short notice . I think it was worth the money . Having that extra time was an unexpected gift . Posted by This has to be , by far , one of the hardest days of my entire life . The men were required to report on a Wednesday , so M and I decided to drive to Orlando Tuesday evening and find a hotel room to stay in . That way we could spend our mornings and evenings together . Plus Little L and I would have a place to hang out during the day . At Yellow Ribbon 1 and 2 , we were told by the XO that there would be a farewell ceremony that Sunday and they would be leaving shortly after that . Well , I 'm not sure if he didn 't know the actual date , or if things got moved , but that Wednesday when I brought M and his friend lunch I was told they moved the ceremony up to Saturday morning and they would be leaving sometime on Saturday ! I was heartbroken ! I was losing another night to be with him ! ! ! I thankfully kept my composure until I was away from the guys . Little L and I had the task of finding a hotel room for Friday and Saturday nights at a hotel that had smoking rooms for M 's parents . They of course need a smoking room because they refuse to walk outside to smoke . It was harder than I thought , but I found one , right next door to where we were staying . So , Little L and I hung out in the hotel room and went swimming while we waited for M to finish what he needed to do those last couple of days . We spent our evenings getting the last minute things M needed to take with him , going to dinner and just spending time together as a family . The days of course went by WAY too quickly . It was finally THE day , the day I had been dreading since that previous February . I don 't think I slept hardly at all the night before . I just laid in his arms trying to remember how it felt , his smell , and everything about him , so I could carry that with me through the next lonely year . That morning we got up , took Little L to stay with M 's parents so we could go to breakfast together alone . I really appreciated the fact that we could do this . I know M LOVES spending time with Little L , but I needed some one on one time with him before he left . We went to breakfasM and Little L while we were waiting After the ceremony some guys still had to fill out paperwork , so no one was allowed to leave . We all just sat around , waiting ( sound familiar ? ) and waiting . We would see M from time to time . He would play with Little L , talk to us and then disappear again . Finally the guys were released to leave , but had to be back in three hours . : ( We asked M where he wanted to go for lunch , he chose Taco Bell . : ) One of his favorite places to eat . Then we hung out with his parents , everyone ignoring the huge elephant in the room . In no time at all it was time to go back . I swear those three hours went by SOOOO quickly ! We loaded all of his stuff in the car , and drove the short 10 mins to the unit . He placed his bags in his platoons spot and I finally convinced him to take a family picture . He hates getting his picture taken and to this day he hates the way he looks in the picture , but I needed it . I needed to be able to see us as a family , even though we were going to be separated by thousands of miles . We hung out and waited some more at the unit . It was starting to get dark . All of the kids were running around , having a great time , either unaware of what was happening or trying to ignore it . I was trying with everything I had to not break down . I know I was very quiet during this time . I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would just lose it . It was finally dark , I 'm not sure what time it was because I wasn 't watching the clock , but of course time was passing too quickly . Some families started to leave , not wanting to stay to see the buses leave . The men were given the half hour warning of when they had to board the buses . It was at this time that M said we needed to leave . He didn 't want me staying to watch the buses leave . He had work to do , and was afraid it would be too hard on all of us . So , we said our " see you laters " . I don 't think I ever cried so much in my entire life . He promised to be safe and to come home to us . I held on to him as long and as hard as I could . I know Little L didn 't understand what was going on . He has seen daddy put his uniform on , leave and come home , he didn 't understand that it would be MONTHS before we would see each other again . Watching your husband , in uniform , walk away from you has to be one of the hardest things I will ever do . Knowing he is going to a place where they are actively trying to hurt and kill people , plus the job he has been assigned will make your heart just stop . It takes the breath right out of you . On one hand , you are so very proud that he , and the others are so willing to put their lives on the line for the freedom of our country . But on the other hand you want to just grab a hold of them and never let them go . Going back to the hotel room alone that night was horrible , actually horrible isn 't the word for it , but I cannot think of a word to adequately explain that feeling you have when you realize they are gone , they are gone and not coming back in a week , month or two , but a year . I felt so alone , I felt like no one knew exactly what I was feeling , evPosted by Since the beginning of our relationship , M and I have always said we wanted two kids and we wanted them to be around 2 - 3 years apart . When the deployment bomb was dropped on us I was pretty firm on not wanting to go through all of that on my own . I wanted him to be a part of it , like he was with Little L . If you 've read past posts you know that it didn 't happen that way . Once the shock of the upcoming deployment wore off , we discussed everything . We did the math on if we waited for him to come back and to us it was just too big of a gap between the kids . Plus we weren 't sure how long it would take for us to get pregnant , what with the other one ending in a miscarriage . So , we decided to do the whole we aren 't trying but we aren 't stopping it either . We figured if it happened and it stuck , then it was meant to be . Well , literally a month later I missed my period , took the test and it was positive . I was pretty excited and scared at the same time . First I was scared if this one would take or if I would lose this one too . Then I was scared about going through labor without him there . He was amazing during labor with Little L , I couldn 't imagine doing it without him . Baby # 2 aka Baby E ! ! ! ! We decided this time to just tell our immediate families and wait to tell friends and family friends until the risky period was over . I am happy to say , everything was fine and we were able to share the good news with everyone around 20 weeks . It was nice this time around telling our families and seeing them so excited for us . I feel very complete now , and thankfully will not be having any more babies : ) I had known since M moved into the Florida Reserves that deployment would happen eventually . But it was always talked about as a long off in the distance type of thing . I knew his unit had only been back from their last deployment for a little while and that it would still be another year or two before they started training to deploy again . Ha ! Of course the Army had to change that and shake our little world up . I don 't remember the actual date , but I remember the conversation . I want to say it was sometime in February . I was already home , it was a bright , beautiful Florida day . I had the windows and doors open . M came home and for some reason we started talking in the entrance way . He said he had some news . I generally don 't like when conversations start that way . He said he had spoken to his CO and that the unit that was supposed to deploy couldn 't for some reason and his was called up . I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me . I thought " oh crap , well at least we have about a year to get ready for this " . Then my world came crashing down around me . He then told me that they would be deploying sometime in the fall . I couldn 't believe it ! That left like no time at all ! ! ! ! What I remember most about that conversation was Little L was playing in the living room , M was lying on his stomach and I was sitting cross legged next to him in the doorway . It took everything I had to not break down at that moment . All I kept thinking was , you just got home from BOLC ( which really it had been a couple of months , but it felt like he just got home ) . Then I started thinking about everything he would miss with Little L and the summer we were going to miss spending together , again . Then the thoughts of what his job entails crept into my mind and sent me into panic mode . I 'm not sure if he knew I was panicking on the inside or not , but I was FREAKING out . That was when I told him I didn 't want to try to get pregnant until he came back home ( as you guys can see , that didn 't happen ) that I didn 't want to go through the pregnancy and labor without him , I didn 't think I could handle it . Of course we all know the Army and that nothing is ever written in stone , and his unit 's deployment date got moved up two more times . Each time it was like getting the wind knocked out of me all over again . Thinking we were losing more and more time to spend together as a family . Not to mention all of the training he had to get in before they left . Our tPosted by On to another happy memory . : ) The day of our second wedding . I pretty much planned our whole second wedding while M was at BOLC . He of course helped with picking out the food and we both agreed on where to get our cake from . ( If you 've ever had Publix 's cake , you know it 's pretty amazing ) . I was looking forward to the day , I was finally getting my white wedding . I know M thought I was silly for wanting it , seeing as we were already married . But I was afraid that I would regret not having this day later in life . It was a really fun weekend . Two of my good girlfriends from college came down to be in my bridal party , and my third girl was a close friend from down here . I was especially excited to see my friend Misty . We met in college and we have that friendship that we can go months without talking , then pick up the phone and we pick our friendship right up . I was so glad she was able to come and share this day with me . Friday night was of course the rehearsal , we went through it quickly , then we all came back to our house to have pizza and hang out . It was fun catching up with everyone . Saturday morning came and M and I met our bridal party at Obies for a light lunch of subs . Then it was time for the girls to get their hair did and I got my make up done . I am so glad I did that ! I am horrible at putting on makeup , I never wear it so I wanted someone who knew what they were doing to do it . Finally we were done and it was time to get to the venue . Our tables We decided to get " married " at the same place as the reception . I am so glad that we did . It was less stressful I think that way . I got dressed , took some pics and then it was finally time to get started . I was in the hallway standing with my daddy and all of the sudden I got nervous ! Which is so weird , because I was already married , I love this man with my whole heart , what did I have to be nervous about ? Well , I realized I was nervous about being in front of all of those people . I 'm not generally one who likes to be the center of attention . I am more likely to be found in the circle , but watching and listening to everyone and putting my two cents in where I feel like it . : ) Finally it was time for my daddy to walk me down the isle . It seemed like it went quick . Once M saw me , a huge grin spread across his face . He of course wolf whistled at me ( he does this often in public , he says he likes to see me blush ) . Everyone laughed . We said our vows and took our first kiss ( again ) as husband and wife . As the cocktail hour was going on , we were taking pics . I have to admit , I 'm not 100 % happy with my pics , I feel like she could have done a better job , but I 'm just not sure how . But for the most part , they turned out nice . After cocktail hour was dinner , the food was great . We had a buffet ( I am a picky eater and I like weddings that have this so I can make my choices and not feel bad about not eating something ) . Then we had our toasts , then dancing . Everyone really seemed to enjoy dancing and the music was great . I think the DJ did a great job ! I danced a lot that night , as well as visited with people I hadn 't seen in awhile . I had a great time that night . I really hope everyone else did too . I am glad that I went through with having my white wedding . Are there days I wish we would have done it this way first , yes . . . . . . but at the same time we have never done things in the correct order and it works for us . I must say , I really enjoyed myself and I think it turned out great ! We have some great memories from that night . M and I had always talked about having two kids . We wanted two and we wanted them to be somewhat close in age . So , when he came home from BOLC we waited a few months then started trying , or I guess you could say we weren 't stopping it from happening . We weren 't really concerned about a timeline ( other than I wanted to get pregnant around August or September so I could have the summer off with the baby like I did with Little L ) and his unit wasn 't supposed to deploy for another year or two . I missed my period shortly after my birthday in November . I was really excited but wanted to wait to tell anyone until we were past the point of a miscarriage . M thought that was silly because I didn 't have any issues with Little L , and he was SOOOOO excited ! ! ! I think he told anyone that would listen . It was cute watching him , getting to share in the excitement of a planned pregnancy . However , that all changed around the beginning of December . I woke up one morning and had some spotting . I didn 't think much of it at first , then it got a little heavier . We talked about it and decided to call my OB about it . We went in and he sent us to get an ultrasound . We went and did this , of course the ultra sound techs don 't tell you anything , which made the waiting So Much Worse ! We got the results that day , there was no heart beat , but the doc said my dates could be off and it hadn 't developed a heart beat yet . So I was told to take it easy . That Saturday we had a Christmas event at the Elks Club where M 's dad is a member . I was instructed to sit in my seat the whole time , and I followed directions for the most part . : ) The next day was the worst day ever . That was the day I miscarried . Both boys were taking a nap when it happened and I had to wake M up . I have never felt so hollow or empty before in my life as I did at that moment . I felt like a failure . I was really upset about this for some time . It was one of my worst fears come true . Thank goodness I am married to the amazing man that I am . He was completely 110 % there for me during this time ( as he always is ) . He helped me to see that this wasn 't the baby for us and that probably there was something wrong with it , which is why it didn 't develop . I knew that , but hearing someone else say it and brought that thought from the back of my mind to the front helped . Every time I think about that day , those same feelings come bubbling up inside of me . It was a very dark and sad day . I am so thankful for the two healthy kids that I have . I am also so thankful for my amazing husband and his support during this time . Posted by Oh my goodness ! I was on facebook tonight and I saw that Amanda at Somewhere Over the Camo had a new blog post about being honored . I was curious so I went to her blog ( granted I read it every time she posts something new , I love reading her blog ! ) and she was nominated for The Best U . S . Military Spouse Blog Award ! How cool is that ? ! ? ! Well , I wanted to see who else was nominated and saw some of my favorite blogs on there , then what do I see at the bottom . . . . . yup my blog ! ! ! ! ! I couldn 't believe it ! Thank you so much Amanda ! This really means a lot to me , and what you wrote in your nomination was awesome ! I think we would be great friends if you only lived in sunny Florida : ) hehe ! So , in the words of Amanda ( because she worded it so great ) " This is me shamelessly tooting my own horn . " : ) It 's easy to nominate or vote for a blog , just go here , and just click on the thumb up if you want to vote . The guidelines for nominating are there as well . What a great end to my day ! I seriously never thought anyone would actually read my blog , but it makes me happy to know someone actually likes what I write . : ) Oops I missed a big day . I missed talking about Little L 's first birthday . M wasn 't able to be with us on the day Little L turned one , but we sure did take quite a few pictures . Growing up birthdays were always a big deal in our family . We would have a family dinner on the night of our actual birthday and then of course a party with friends that weekend . So , naturally I wanted to have the same traditions for Little L . One the day he turned one , he took cupcakes to daycare . That night when I got home from work we had our families over . M 's parents , nephews , sister , his Uncle Ken , family friends Paul and Rosie and my mom . ( My mom is my only family that lives down here ) Due to me being here by myself I decided to do just cake and ice cream for the birthday boy . I had decorations all on the table , with matching cups , plates and napkins . I picked out a cute Winnie the Pooh cake . I thought everything looked cute . Everyone showed up and we had Little L open his presents . He likes to open something then play with it right away . It was hard getting him to open everything . But he sure enjoyed every present he got . Finally it was cake time . We got him in his highchair and sang happy birthday to him . Then my father in law decided to feed Little L his cake . It kind of annoyed me , because I felt like it was something I should be doing instead of him . He didn 't even ask if it was ok , or if I wanted to be him during this time . So , that kind of annoyed me , but I let it go . Little L had a great time . He was exhausted by the time the cake was over . Everyone stayed around for a little bit eating their cake and ice cream . Everyone finally left and my mom helped me clean up . I was leaving to visit M at Ft . Leonardwood the next day . I think Little L had a great first birthday . It was hard to believe he was a year old already . Time sure does fly by . |
You see , in reality , there is crime . They just don 't talk about it . There is inequality . They just don 't talk about it . The city itself is separated into two sectors : one for the rich and one for the poor . The rich sector is full of mansions and beautiful gardens . The poor sector is basically the slums - - there is no middle class here . The poor are ignored , and the rich are rewarded . Simple as that . Genetic mutations have started occurring in the past century . They are particularly . . . disturbing for the peace of Andacia . These mutations are causing drastic effects , creating what we would call super humans . These super humans come in all shapes and sizes , and they are considered the inferior class to humans . As such , they have been rounded up and forced into slavery . They serve as housekeepers mostly - - sometimes even babysitters - - for the rich . Specially - made collars make sure they stay in line . Often times , these super humans are blackmailed in case they prove to be a little too powerful according to the Johnson - Grant Scale . Frederick " James " Chandler had never been a very patient man . He did not believe in the old saying " Why do today what you can do tomorrow ? " No , if he can do it at that very moment , he will . And that 's just what he did as owner and CEO of The Chandler Group . He 'd been running the " family business " for the last five years , and he 'd quickly proven himself to be on the most inquisitive and strategic businessmen on the market . He made plans swiftly and decisively , and he could predict the outcome of a company within minutes of its inception . A very handy tool for the investment company that had amassed billions upon billions of dollars in yearly revenue . It was his philosophy to work whenever possible , and he imposed that philosophy on his family and , more importantly , his employees and slaves . He had never and would never tolerate laziness - - and in his mind , work that was not done quickly was a product of laziness . To many , he seemed harsh and even a bit cruel . He viewed himself as disciplined , holding others to the same standards that he held for himself . He did not believe in the cruelty that was often shown towards the " super - human " slaves , but many would agree that his impatience mirrored this cruelty . He was a man of controversy , but he held to his principles without wavering . And that was why , on this particular day , he was yelling at one slave in particular : Sylus . " You are lazy , and you are arrogant ! " he snapped harshly , his brow furrowed in anger . He had not asked much ( at least , not in his mind ) , and he had expected it to be done within the hour . When he had returned , the task of scrubbing his marble tile floors was still yet to be finished . As expected by everyone that knew him , he had become quite enraged at the fact , immediately yelling at the girl and accusing her of many things that may or may not have been true . When his rant was finally done , he ordered her to finish the task before dinner or go without it . Christina Worthington had never been known to make any sort of sense in her actions . From throwing relentless and expensive parties to tearing families apart by seducing the husband , many of the people in Andacia either hated her or loved her . There was no in between . Still , even those that hated her could not resist buying from her infamous fashion design company : Worthington Designer Clothing . Every piece of fashion she produced had the well - known WDC in fancy letters on the tag . Anyone who was anyone wanted that label . It was a matter of pride , and Christina reveled in her monopoly . There were many days when she would reflect upon the more . . . questionable things she had done to become the woman she was today . If anyone discovered the truth , they would expect her to feel shame or regret . She felt neither . If anything , she had loved using her underhanded tactics to get to the top . Her ideals were composed of one thought : always be the best there is . She surrounded herself in extravagance because she had the money and means to do so . People either admired her or envied her - - yet again , there was no in between . The complexity of her life and her actions were misunderstood by many as a flirtatious , outgoing , and rather dense woman who spent more money than she should on jewels , clothes , and - - most importantly - - slaves . In reality , there was a devious plan behind every little thing she did . And currently , her next plan was more than a little devious . " I want those flowers ordered and back here within the hour , " she said simply to one of her slaves named Parker . Christina was throwing another one of her extravagant parties that everyone in the upper sector scrambled to get an invitation to . Normally , she would hand out hundreds of invitations . This time , however , she 'd only handed out thirteen . The invitations were very specific as well . Female , The red haired slave , named Sylus , had been scrubbing the floors of her master 's house , a task that wasn 't necessarily hard if not the one hour time limit , but to do it all in such a short time was impossible . Having known this , she took her time cleaning the marble on her knees . Occasionally , she 'd take a minute to stop and remember her beloved brother Caine , which wasn 't hard since the two looked nearly identical . The two had been separated because she was cursed with powers and he was not . Though she hated being away from him , she was glad that he hadn 't been born with any special ability . If he ever had to deal with such cruel treatment like her , she 'd go on a rampage . Thinking about it now , she didn 't know anything about her brother now . Was he doing alright ? Properly getting food ? Was he even still alive ? The thought scared her more than anything , but she knew it was likely . Soon , her master , Frederick James Chandler , returned . Her emotionless facial expression remained the same ever since she and her brother parted as she glanced up at her master from where she was sitting on the floor . Deep down , she disliked her master . It hadn 't been long since he bought her , but all he ever did was yell and get angry . The only thing keeping her from hating him was that he didn 't abuse her , unlike her previous masters . Listening to his orders , Sylus resumed cleaning the floors . Finish before dinner ? It was doable , but did she even want to eat ? Ever since becoming a slave , her appetite to eat anything had dropped and now , she was so used to just not eating on a daioy basis . For now , she just occupied herself with cleaning the floors . " Sabah ? " The young woman called while walking through the hallways of her house , searching for her slave . Her father had given her Sabah once she inherited the company , which wasn 't very long ago . Though she didn 't really like the idea of a ' slave ' , she liked that she 'd have someone new to talk to . Perhaps she 'd even get to hear a story about his life before coming here ! For someone like Celeste , who rarely ever left the house , the thought excited her . Still searching , a rather old butler came around the corner after hearing her calls . " Young Miss , are you in need of anything ? " Celeste gave a small smile to him . " Leonardo , have you seen Sabah ? " " Perhaps in the living quarters . Would you like some assisstance ? " The girl shook her head and began a light jog to Sabah 's room . Leonardo watched her with a smile , something all the slaves did after getting to really know Celeste . After all , she was pure and kind to everyone . After a small detour , making sure Sabah wasn 't in the yard , kitchen , or living area , she made her way to the rooms for the slaves . Sabah , being Celeste 's personal slave , was given a room slightly better than the others and was spaced away from the rest . This made it a bit easier for him to get to Celeste and vice - versa . " Saaaabaaah ? " she called out once more , sounding much like a child searching for her parent . @ No Face Sabah looked up from the mirror in his room before turning and going to the door shifting a bit as he opened it to see his mistress , " yes ? " He said softly , in his normal black long sleeved shirt and blue jeans . His mistress seemed pretty nice compared to his old master bit he wasn 't completely sure about her . He shifted a bit putting his hand to his mouth . The males shadow flared a bit around him as a way to show that he was nervous . " C - can I help you ? " Sabah mumbled awkwardly shifting from foot to foot . Sabah wasn 't use to having such a nice room so when he was first bought for the young lady he didn 't expect his own room , before he slept either in his master or mistress ' room , cage , or dungeon . Having his own bed and room to but things was different he still hadn 't gotten use to it , nor did he really have his own stuff . The only thing that was his was the collar on his next because it controlled him . Sabah could remember the first day he was taken into slavery . That day his powers had gone out of control for the most part trying to get him free from the collar on him . It still tried from time to time but 8 years of this life he 'd gotten use to it for the most part . He blinked looking at his mistress , at least she was cute . Very cute . Alexandria smiled as she bounced around the mansion she lived in very lively like normal . " Aaron ! " She called bored of homework , she figured that he could entertain her . Even though she was 16 she was short , no taller than 5 foot with child like features , and for the most part she acted like it . Being an only child it was simple for her to get her way . Afterall , her dad did buy her a slave to keep her entertained while home . " Let 's play a game , Aaron ! I 'm bored ! " Alexandria bounced around looking for her slave , who she found to be quite boring . She smiled once she found the slave , " let 's go outside Aaron . Oh with you can show me why you 're my slave ! That should be fun , right ? " She smiled a bit , pink hair in the normal bouncing ringlets as she grabbed his hand tugging on it , " lets go ! " I lean towards passive . I 'm willing to try and be more aggressive , but since I 'm pretty nervous about such things and have little experience , it 's probably not best to entirely rely on me . I prefer to at the very least work together with my partner to figure out how the story will move along . Dana Gole let out a sigh as she stared at the invitation for what must have been the hundredth time since she 'd received it . She was not , nor had she ever been , a frivolous woman , and gatherings such as the one she was to attend to tonight did not appeal to her in any way . She had never considered herself to be anything less than incredibly busy , and felt she didn 't have the time to spend on something as silly as amusing herself . There were much more important things to do , such as caring for her business , her home , and her children . Still though , she knew not attending would seem rude , and could reflect badly on herself and her company . Her presence at the gathering was necessary , whether she wanted to be there or not . With a slight shake of her head , she returned the invitation to its spot on her vanity , and - being alerted by the sound of it creaking open - glanced over at the door . She watched as the slave she 'd sent for , Elise Strong , stepped in . " Oh , Elise . You 're here . Good . " Dana said , motioning for the young woman to stand in a corner nearby herself . " Thank you for coming . I hope I haven 't inconvenienced you too much . If you would please stand over there , out of the way of the door , I 'd appreciate it . " As if right on cue , the door swung open once more , and three small children came barreling in ; A young girl came first , a rather small child she was dragging by the hand came next , and lastly a young boy . Dana frowned , and snapped her attention away from her slave , as she turned her gaze on the children . The youngest child almost immediately broke away from the girl , and walked over to Dana , holding his arms up towards her . " Scarlett ? Dmitri ? Mikel ? What are you doing in here ? " Dana asked sternly , reaching down to pick up the youngest child , and rest him on her hip . " I thought I put you under Sophie 's care ! Why aren 't you with her ? You know you 're not allowed to bother me in here ! It 's dangerous ! " She motioned towards Elise . While she didn 't particularly distrust any of her slaves , she felt one could never be too careful with such delicate creatures as children - especially when a slave with a power such as the one standing in the room with her now was involved . The oldest girl , Scarlett , ignored her mother 's reprimand , and rather placed her hands on her hips . " Mommy , mommy , mommy ! " She exclaimed angrily , as she stomped her foot . " Sophie says you 're leaving ! It 's not fair ! You can 't go ! You 're supposed to play with us ! I 'm not going to listen if you do this ! I 'll be very rude and misbehave and make everyone upset ! " Dana stared for a moment , and then bent down , repositioning her youngest child so her arm was still around him . Her expression softened a bit , and she reached out to rest a hand against her daughter 's face , rubbing her thumb back and forth against the girls cheek in a comforting manner as she spoke . " Scarlett , honey , I love you very much . " She said , and then paused for a moment , her voice and expression returning to its former sternness as she added the next warning . " But you can not speak to me in such a way . " Her expression and voice softened once again . " Now , I understand that you 're upset , and I 'm very sorry about that . I 've been a very busy woman since daddy had to leave us , and I know that 's been hard on you , but some things simply must be done ; And the only way I can make sure they get done right is to do them myself . That doesn 't just include boring grownup stuff , though , it also includes playing with you and your brothers , too . And , as soon as I have the time , I 'll make sure I spend the time with you that I usually do . Okay ? " Scarlett bit down on her lip , and stared for a few moments , as she mused over whether or not this response was enough to calm her anger over her mother leaving to attend the party . " … Do you promise ? " She asked finally . " Yes , of course . I promise . You have my word on it , angel . " Dana responded , nodding as she pulled her hand away , and went to set Mikel back down next to his sister . Dana smiled , and went to give each of her children a quick kiss on the forehead , before standing back up . " Okay , good . Oh , and Scarlett ? Tell Sophie , that since I can 't play with you tonight , you three are free to dress up in me and daddy 's old clothes , like you like to . " She paused , flicking her finger towards her second child . " And you ! I better hear no more talk of you throwing dirt at people in the gardens - slaves or otherwise - or there will be consequences ! We do not treat people that way , and I will be discussing this with you further later . Do you understand me , Dmitri ? " " That 's a good boy . Now , off with you ! Get out ! I don 't want to see you again unless it 's an emergency , or Sophie is at your side ! You are not permitted to run free throughout these halls ! " Dana sighed slightly , and turned back towards Elise . " Ah , I apologize for the interruption . " She said , as she smoothed her shirt down . " But , as you know , the children always come first . " She paused . " Well , anyways , where was I ? Ah , yes . I believe you 're the only one yet to be informed . We have been invited to one of Christina Worthington 's parties ; And when I say we , I mean all of us , you slaves included . I hope you will not mind going too much , as you have to , whether or not it suits your fancy . Personally , I 've never been the sort for parties myself , but we 're expected to go , and we must keep appearances up . In accordance with that , I 've laid an outfit out for you . " She motioned towards an outfit that was laid out across a nearby chair . It was a plain yet stylish black dress , a pair of stockings , and a somewhat fancier scarf . " Whether you 'll be in the main hall or not , we all need to look our best . Hopefully this outfit is satisfactory . I threw in a scarf , as I know you like to wear those . I assume you 're not unwilling to switch your current one out for this nicer one , or we may have a bit of a problem . " She narrowed her eyes slightly , as she looked the young woman up and down . She was a tall blonde - haired woman , whose pale skin seemed much too large for her gaunt frame - giving her the appearance of a phantom , a delicate wisp of a person who could be blown away by the slightest breeze . Despite it all , though , there was a sort of beauty in her tired eyes and gentle smile . That gentleness though , that warmness and calmness that always seemed to be about her , was no longer there at that moment . It was replaced by something else , by a sense of overwhelming despair , helplessness , and lack of hope . The color drained away from her face as she collapsed to the floor , her hands reaching out for something - anything - to hold her up . And then , before anyone could react , she opened her mouth and let out a wail - the sort of anguished , heart - breaking wail that could only come from a mother who knew she was about to lose her child . It was this scene that had been playing over and over again in Parker 's mind for four years . It was this scene that , despite all his efforts , he couldn 't seem to erase from his mind . And it was this sound , the sound of his mother 's cries upon learning of his power , that wouldn 't stop playing on repeat in his ears . And why should they ? Why should they ever stop ? It was that day that his life had changed , it was that awful day that had sealed his fate . No matter how hard he tried , he knew he 'd never forget it . He couldn 't . He was finally snapped out of his thoughts by the sound of his master - by one of the awful people who had helped rip him away from his family - ordering him to get flowers . He slowly uncurled his fingers , which were tightly curled into fists , before glancing over at her . Had she asked for anything else , he might have refused . The scene he 'd just replayed in his head for the millionth time had renewed all the anger and frustration he felt over his situation , and he could feel it welling up inside him , just begging to boil over . He quickly pushed these feelings away though , for one simple reason - he wanted away from this woman , and he wanted to go outside . " Flowers ? " He asked , flashing a sweet smile that held no traces of his true resentment for the upper class socialite who stood before him . " Of course Ms . Worthington . I 'll get right on it . Whatever you ask . " He nodded slightly , and turned towards the door . " Flowers for your pathetic party ? Of course ! Why , what else would I like to be doing with my time ? Certainly not living a normal life ! " He thought , with an annoyed shake of his head . The fact that his ' master ' was throwing yet another stupid party while he was stuck doing her bidding was making him feel more than cynical at the moment , and he was having some difficulty controlling his temper . " I oughta put some stupid poison ivy in those flowers . With any luck you 'll shove your stupid face in them . Now that , that would be something people would actually like to see ! " Aiko just didn 't know what to make of it . Breathing out a sigh , he dropped the invitation back onto the table next to him and fell into the seat beside it . If the invitation had gone to his father , he might have understood , but it was addressed to him . And his slaves . To be honest , that was what bothered him the most about this whole thing . After all , he was used to these damn parties , he had been going to them ever since he was a little boy . But the fact that Christina Worthington wanted the slaves to come as well . . . She was planning something . But what ? Sighing softly again , Aiko closed his eyes and began rubbing his temples . He already had too much stress in his life , and now this . And unfortunately , politely declining was out of the question . He let out yet another sigh and looked up at the second floor of the modest house that he owned . " Lucifer ? " He called out , hoping the young slave could hear him no matter where he was . " Could you please come down ? I need your opinion on something , if you don 't mind . " Sage had just gotten back from police duty , panting hard since he had tried his hardest to catch a criminal today . None of his friendly police had tried to help him . It was simply because they made that same stupid excuse that the place they lived in was a utopia ! Of course , it was only one or two people in society who really acted out , but they might be causing this nation to fall apart . Maybe it already has . Sage sloppily walked up on his porched , realizing that he had just stepped on an envelope . He bent down to pick it up , and as he did so , his back popped . He grunted once , then continued on in the house as if nothing had happened . Sage plopped down on the wooden chair that was infront of the wooden table . All but one side of the table had been cleaned off , the other side stacked with confidential papers from his police department that he had yet to fill out . His deadline to get them turned in was next month , but Sage told himself he could finish with them before the deadline despite its size . He sighed , wondering what type of letter this was . He slipped off his gloves and opened the envelope , pulling out some sort of invitation . It was signed by someone with the name Christina Worthington . Sage smiled . A party ? He rarely had the chance to go to any of these parties , mainly because of work . Glancing at the calendar , he had read that his department gave him a day off . Looking back at the letter , the date was the same as his day off ! ( honestly , my brain is not functioning right now . holy crap that was confusing . ) Ah . . . Sage really wanted to go to this party , and maybe go with his sla - - no , Fera too ! That would depend on his friend , though . Hopefully Fera would agree coming to this party ! Jack smiled eagerly as he sat back in his chair , normally he wouldn 't be excited for any party , even if it was arranged by Christina Worthington but this was different , she had a plan and it involved nobles the powerful slaves . . . . Well Kari wasn 't really powerful , but she fitted Jacks personality like a glove , to others she seemed weak and pointless but to Jack she could help him become even more powerful . That reminded him , he still needed to test her powers on some willing slaves ! Lucifer had been sitting in the corner of the servants quarter scraping at the wall with a pen he had " borrowed " when he heard his master Aiko call for him , he rolled his eyes at the thought of calling him master as he slowly walked towards where Aiko was residing . He walked into the room without even knocking and stood there slouched in front of Aiko not caring for what happened " Yes ? " He said frustratedly . He wasn 't going to follow the orders of some rich man just because he put a few coins in to get him . The invitation sat there , mocking her . It and the envelope had been carefully opened , sitting right on top of all of her important papers just staring at her . It wasn 't fair . Why the hell was she invited ? She hated Christina and all of her damn underhanded tactics that made hard working people look stupid trying to get ahead in life ! The woman growled before pushing back from the chair . That was it . Eileen Princeton was going to that stupid party , and that was final . " Dani ! Dani , come here ! We need to get ready for a party . " It was frustrating for the brunette woman , but she straightened her tie before nodding to a servant she kept around her house . The woman only had one slave , so it was a simple way to dress her up . The woman knew she couldn 't go in her simple work clothes . She had to get one of her better suits ready , probably one made by the woman if only to placate the host a bit . Eileen walked with precision . Her servants looked her in the eyes , questioning why their master seemed to walk with such a purpose . The woman in the suit smirked . She wouldn 't have her servants any other way . Defiance was simply a way for her to strengthen and improve herself . Kari jumped , accidently stabbing herself with the needle she was working with . The girl hissed , feeling an unneeded amount of frustration well up . No , no this wasn 't good . She couldn 't let this get the best of her . Gently , she put aside the dress that she had been working with . She had ripped the work uniform while working and needed to work on it so she didn 't wear the same thing over and over again . However , that would have to wait . Her master was calling . Fear started to pump itself into her brain and heart . He wasn 't her first master , and most certainly after he saw her powers he wouldn 't be her last . Kari could feel her breath pick up as she walked toward the man , struggling to keep it down . Taking a deep breath , Kari let go of all of her panicked thoughts as she bowed to the man calling to her . " Yes , master ? " She asked , keeping her eyes away from the man . It was simply rude to try and look the man in the eye . Aiko frowned slightly , but decided not to comment on the young man 's behavior . After all , he had no idea what the slave had gone through before Aiko had bought him . But still , it was a bit rude , when Aiko knew that he had not treated him wrongly , to be resisted in such a manner . Sighing softly , he motioned to the other chair at the table , a clear invitation to sit . " Lucifer , I 've gotten an invitation for a party being held this afternoon , however there are some problems . One of which is the fact that the person hosting the party is one of the rich elite , a group of people I 'm sure we both dislike . However , the most important problem right now is the fact that the invitation specifically states that to enter the party , slaves must be brought . As you are my only slave , I had wanted to ask if you desired to go to this party or not . I certainly won 't force you to go if you do not wish to . " Aiko sighed and ran a hand through his hair . " However , I must admit . . . I do not think we can decline this invitation . " Lucifer was shocked when Aiko didn 't complain about his attitude however he ignored it and slumped into the chair he had been offered . Lucifer thought about it and it seemed odd , servants going to a party and he doubted they needed extra hands since this was an elite , and it made him uneasy thinking what might happen . " I 'm fine with going " Ow well what 's the worst that could happen right ? Aiko sighed again and nodded . " Then we 'll both need new outfits . I don 't exactly keep formal ware in the house . Do you have anything you 're doing at the moment , or are you free to go shopping with me ? " He asked , trying to be as gentle and uncommanding as possible . Even Aiko knew that force would get him nowhere with this man , and he was hoping that by being nice , he would be able to break through the formidable walls that surround the young man in front of him . Jess adjusted her clothes to be a bit looser as she entered her home , returning for the fourth suprise inspection that month . Second that week , if she was being completely honest . She 'd had a bad feeling about the current ' resident ' for her slave holding building and people weren 't exactly kind to her slaves , so she kept her employees away from the third floor where they kept all the higher powered , nonbinary , or just plain unstable slaves that couldn 't fit in with the boy floor or the girl floor . All in all , she wanted to change this business for the better . No more the slums that was the old slave living area . No more sketchy people renting her people . No more . Still . . . it was exhausting . It was a lot of work and she just wanted to go back to the drugs and the partying , but when she looked at the slaves with dead eyes go in and then eventually warm up and be welcomed into a group of people like them or given the care they needed . . . the thought brought a smile to her face . Of course her sales pitch for the care of the slaves was that broken slaves were useless and therefore it was logical to treat them ethically . She hated that mentality . What she wouldn 't give to make people see what she 'd seen when she 'd decided to take over her father 's business . A small child , bruised and abused for the sake of business . She sighed and went to look at the mail that had arrived . Junk , suck - up letter , junk , and a party invitation . Jess looked carefully at the invitation . Bring your slaves or no entry . Jess looked at it carefully . Surely it meant only that she could take Okami , since taking all her slaves equaled potential unparalleled destruction when one panicked at being in such a large crowd . Also , legally she had no right to claim the slaves as hers . They were all owned by Rosencrantz Escorts and could only be let out according to the rent agreement . She was exempt from renting slaves as a concession with the government . They didn 't like the idea of her owning so many powerful and somewhat unstable slaves that were pretty loyal to her . " Okami - san ! " Jess yelled as loud as she could , running through the house to find him . " Oooookkkkaaammmmiiiiii . . . I wanna go to a party ! And you 're invited too ! " @ Zackymas - - - - - - Elise Strong lived in a world made of glass . The slightest wrong move and things would break . People , feelings , and the list went on so long that Elise found herself forcing herself to mentally run through a series of punches and kicks that she would try when she went to the gym next . If her employer would allow her to , that is . For now , Elise was entering the office of her owner , Dana Gole . The woman was cold and calculating and somehow that made Elise feel relaxed . It made her feel like a tool and that it didn 't matter what she did because the blame was more upon Dana 's shoulders than her own . The responsibility was not her own , and so it didn 't matter what happened to her . Elise followed Mrs . Gole 's orders quietly and obediently , somehow feeling the importance of the moment that she not interfere with whatever was going to happen . That was when Dana 's children entered , and Elise cast her eyes to the floor and put her hands into her pockets . It tended to make people relax when she put herself in this posture , as though it was far less likely that Elise could hurt them somehow . Still , she felt the gaze of her owner . It wasn 't distrustful or even angry , but Elise knew it to be wariness that anyone with children would give her if they knew her strength and her power . Elise risked a look up to see her master holding one of the children 's faces , and Elise wished desperately that she could somehow be able to do such a thing without hurting that person . All the same , it was stupid to think otherwise , Elise tore her gaze away and touched the collar around her neck . Elise always wondered if it would blow up if she put a toe out of line . Probably would , considering that she could be a force of nature if she decided that she wanted to start punching people who deserved it . Elise also had a list for that as well . It started with the president and went down the chain of command . I see . If you wish for me to not wear a scarf to show off my power level I shall , but the scarf is more for moving about covertly without drawing attention . The style of the scarf is up to you , my master . " Elise said , walking over to inspect the clothing that her master had laid out for her . Sturdy fabric , and comfortable . " I understand my role . Did you wish me to stay close to you or remain distant ? I only ask so if something happens I may be at your side and able to protect you . " Elise measured her words carefully , as she knew that Mrs . Gole was looking Elise up and down as though Elise was a piece of meat or one of those moving mannequins that the shops so often featured wearing dresses or whatever the fancy thing of the week was . Elise was not as comfortable as being seen as tool than she was with being one . Elise didn 't understand why , and it frustrated her to have such a hypocritical view of the world . Elise hoped the conversation would move on and that she could leave soon . Preferably before Elise felt the urge to hit something or someone . Lucifer sat there staring at Aiko with shock , why was he being so nice and to him , he could force him to do anything and yet he asked for his opinion . Maybe he 's a nice guy ? Suddenly shaking the thought out of his head " sure , I am yours ! " shocked at how he replied him self he slouched more and stared into a corner , trying to cover up how he just accept being owned . . . . . . Adisa was daydreaming in his little room , humming a melody that his creator used to sing when working . Honestly , Adisa was really sad that he 'd been sold by his own creator . However , his new owner had been taking care of him quite nicely . Adisa thought of Samatha as his own mother , one because she owned him and two . . . well . . . she was definitely older than him . Adisa was still a child , only twelve years old . He still didn 't understand the world and it 's problems yet , but he was shielded from those dangers since he lived in a utopia . At the sound of Samantha 's voice , he woke up and dashed out of his room , a smile on his face . " Yes , Miss Samantha ! " Adisa replied as fast as he could . He paced into the kitchen and tried his best to create some coffee with the ( coffee maker or whatever ) . Taking the pot out from under , he made the mistake of putting his hand on the bottom . . . " Ah ! " he lightly gasped , taking a look at his hand . He had burned the tips of his fingers . He stared at it for a while before shaking his head . Adisa should recover on his own instead of relying on Samantha to take care of him . . . He poured the coffee into a beautifully designed mug , leaving out the sugar . Adisa placed the mug on a placemat just incase the beverage would sweat or burn through any items . Sticking his burned hand in his pocket , he carried the mug carefully into the massive library and placed it before Samantha on a small table that was close to her . " Ah . . . here you go ! " Adisa said cheerfully , radiantly smiling . " Hope that 's good . . . Do you like it ? " James nodded in satisfaction , leaving the parlor and entering his study . As per usual , one of his slaves put his mail on his desk , ready to be opened . He examined each carefully to ensure they had not been tampered with . When he was satisfied , he shuffled through them , already mentally filing each into a specific category until he came to a specific letter enclosed in a petal pink envelope . Inwardly , he groaned . " Christina , you are a pain , " he muttered as he opened the envelope . The invitation was short and sweet ; it seemed harmless enough until he got to the very last sentence . " Damn the bitch ! " The wheels in his mind turned as he tried to figure out what she could possibly be planning . He came up with nothing . She would not be crazy enough to cause some sort of rebellion , he did not think . Why would he need to bring his slaves ? Pursing his lips , he called for Sylus , waiting impatiently for her to come to his study . Despite himself , James would not be able to decline this invitation . It would reflect badly upon his business , especially since rumors spread like wildfire in this " utopia " of theirs . Dani appeared swiftly , her green eyes searching her master 's expression . A party ? A party ? Why in the hell would she go to a party ? No , this was not something she would agree upon . Already , she was thinking up some way she could fight this new hell she was going to be forced to endure . Eileen was not the worst of masters - - certainly not , but that did not mean Dani would obey her every whim like a dog . Especially not for something like this . Dani pursed her lips , wiping the dirt off her clothes . She 'd been working in the garden all morning as per Eileen 's request , and she definitely was not fit for a party . Not that she cared about appearances ; rather , Dani simply would not subject herself to the cruel treatment that often occurred at these lavish ordeals . No , she simply would not allow it . But what could she do ? Nothing . Though she would put up a fight , Dani already knew that there was no way she could resist this time . Female , At some point , Sylus had taken a very brief break in between scrubbing the floors . Her hands , which were very small and fragile , yet scarred , were stiff from holding the rag this entire time . Not to mention they were dirty as were the rest of her clothes . After opening and closing her hand a few times to loosen it , she resumed cleaning . Despite being unmotivated , she was surprisingly thorough while cleaning . Soon , she heard her master call for her . Why , she wondered . The only logical answer was for more work to be done or she was going to get scolded for something little . Either way didn 't really matter to her . She was used to nearly anything at this point in her life as a slave . Setting down the rag and wiping her hand on her clothes , Sylus made her to her master 's study . Arriving at the door , she knocked lightly before entering with her head hung low and looking down , waiting for some sort of scolding or orders to be given . " Sabah ! " Celeste called excitedly , hurrying over to the taller man . He seemed to be a bit nervous around her , which troubled her . Was he not used to life here yet ? Or perhaps he was uncomfortable ? She took note of it for later , but now there was something she wanted to discuss with him . " So , I 've been invited to a party ! It 'll be my first one since inheriting the business . " The way she talked made it noticeably clear that she was happy . After being stuck in this house most of her life , she could finally leave if needed . And in this case , she needed to . " And well . . . the invitation says that I must bring my slave to be allowed entry . So uh . . . if you 'd like , would you please attend with me ? " Suddenly feeling very flustered and embarrassed from asking , Celeste began waving her hands frantically in front of herself . " I - I mean , you don 't have to ! I just thought that maybe you 'd like to go out with me once in a while . . . B - But not in that way , of course ! I mean . . . y - yeah . . . " She finished awkwardly , her face slightly red . # 18 Sabah smiled a bit ready to congratulation for the invitation but he stopped to listen to what she had to tell him . Sabah 's eyes widen having heard what she had said , he gave a small chuckle as he fumbled over the words . He was given the choice of rather to go or not ? He shifts a bit , she looked so happy . . . he thought before nodding , " I 'll go with . " It wouldn 't hurt . " Can . . . I wear this ? " He figured his oversized shirt wouldn 't be appropriate for the party but he had to ask . It was one of his favorite items . His green eyes were looking down as he chewed on his sleeve hem , what was a party going to be like ? Would he have to dance ? The thought of all the people made him a bit nervous , would it be like when he was bought ? " W - what will it be like ? " He asks softly . It always took him a while to warm up to people . But he was glad that his new mistress seemed extremely nice , that made it a bit easier to get use to . He reached up with his free hand brushing some of his black hair from his face , he always preferred it long but it really wasn 't his choice of style . Eileen watched the slave 's expression . She wanted to fight back against the situation , the woman could see it . She knew that expression well . She sighed , her shoulders sagging as she put a hand on Dani 's shoulder . " I know , I don 't want to go to this party as much as you do , but it 's a necessary evil . Now come on . We need to get you cleaned up . You 're borrowing some of my clothes , I know you don 't have anything nicer . I 'll be damned if you don 't at least look damn better than the other slaves . " Oh , she hated that word . Slave . It brought on too many horrid memories and uncomfortable feelings . Moving Dani toward one of her many baths , she practically shoved the young woman into the room . " A servant will bring you something nice to wear in a bit . " Turning , the woman sighed as she moved to find her own bathroom . She might as well relax in her own tub . This whole party business was frustrating her to no end . Luckily , she didn 't need to specifically order her servants to bring up a bath for her , someone already looking for a suit that would fit Dani . The woman smiled before disappearing into her own little sanctuary . This was going to be a long night . . . Kari gasped as her master pulled her chin up , asking her to manipulate the two others with her powers . Panic raced through her veins . No , no she couldn 't ! Turning to her two victims , Kari took a deep breath . No , she had to . Kari took a deep breath . Blank slate . She had to be a blank slate . Giving the two a quick apology , she took them by the hand . Closing her eyes , she focused on the emotions of the two in her grip . Many different varieties swirled together , however sadness was most prominent . That would be her first priority . She started to isolate the negative emotions the two were feeling , pulling them into her own mind . It was nearly overwhelming , and the girl felt her knees start to buckle . However , she had to continue . She couldn 't let this backfire . So , the girl took on all of the negative emotions affecting the two . With a shuddering breath , Kari finished stealing the emotions , collapsing to the ground . The two who had been subjected to her powers blinked , smiling to themselves . They felt on top of the world , ready to do anything and everything . Quickly , Kari put a hand over her mouth to stifle the sobs racking her body . It felt like her life was useless . There was no escaping the darkness crawling in on all sides . She wheezed and choked on her tears as the other two slaves smiled at each other , laughing and hugging each other in surprise . It had been quite a while since they felt this happy and comforted . They ignored the mess on the floor near them , too focused on the effects the girl had had on them . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . 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June 30th , 2007 I had to get up early to be up at the softball fields by nine in the morning . Playing cards to the wee hours did not help my sleep , but that is okay . I won money at cards , and now I get to play softball . The team is mostly the same as last season with a couple of new players . We went out and quickly lost our first game . We ended up playing five games today and only won one of them at the end of the day . We started at the field at nine in the morning . We played five games and left there at eight o ' clock at night . Our pitcher took a ball off the chin like an upper cut as the ball bounced off the ground . He went down and went to the hospital , getting himself ten stitches . I was put in for him that game , because I was sitting out at first . I got a base hit . One of the few I got today . I had some walks , but I couldn 't hit the ball today . I was hitting poorly . We also had some pretty long breaks at times between games . One break was about three hours . After all the games a couple of us went to Seattle to get some pizza at a place close to R - Place . At first I wasn 't going to go , but as I got on the highway to head home I decided to go out . All I knew was the place had Off Broadway in its name . It was not in the phone book so I had a hard time . I just drove around a little bit back and forth and then I found a place called Billy 's Off Broadway . It was the correct place . The pizza was good . We sat around talking about a little of this and a little of that before leaving . The others were going out to the bars , I decided then to go home . June 29th , 2007 Tonight we had a poker game down at Newport Shores . They were playing two dollar / four dollar limit . That was killing me because I could not get anyone bluffed out of a hand , not that I bluff , but that a weak hand couldn 't push off a slightly stronger hand . I kept bleeding away my money . I was doing twenty dollar buy ins one by one . After eighty bucks I had no more cash . Then I got a small loan from Jon . That is when my fortunes turned . The limit was raised to twenty bucks . So I could push some people at times . That was big for my game . Now I could play without the necessity of having the best hand , but being able to play cards . I started to win back money . Soon I paid Jon back and just kept winning . One hand I got a ton of money when I had Ace / Nothing spades . The flop was three spades . I checked and Jon bet . Myself and one other person called . The turn did nothing to change the board . I bet about nine bucks . There was a call , then Jon raised . I called . The other person folded . The river did nothing to change the board . I had the nuts . I bet a little bigger . Jon raised twenty bucks . I re - raised him his final eleven bucks . He called . I showed my nuts . After we were done playing for the night he told me I did a great job on that hand , he didn 't think I had nuts . When the night was done around two in the morning I was up nearly a hundred bucks . I played one hand of four - five - six with Jon to give him a chance to win some money back from me . We got a natural and took the twenty bucks . But I went home with a lot of money . June 28th , 2007 Today I was back in the office for the first time since the downsizing . It really wasn 't much different sans Chris and Brian for me . I worked on getting a Windows Vista computer set up . It will be my new dev box . I didn 't have a lot of stuff planned for the evenings this week . So I pretty much went home after work and that was about it . Not much of a day to report on . I pulled into Issaquah close to the time the guys were leaving on the bus . I called Jon and he said he was putting out a fire at work so we was going to be late . I went to Dairy Queen in Eastgate then I stopped in at the park and ride to wait for Jon . We got underway , but with the traffic and parking we were not going to make it for the first pitch . We did make it without missing too much of the first inning . We were able to listen to the game as it was being broadcast on the speakers . Around the seventh inning I got a call from JT in Bellingham . He asked if I was at the M 's game . I told him I was . He said he saw me on TV . Later on that night while the game was being rebroadcast I got a text message and a second phone call from people who saw me there . I was on TV second time was a ball came down to our seats . It was a pop - up and it was coming right to my brother . I was next to him . He had his mitt up . The ball was coming right to him . Then a guy , who was a Boston fan , stuck his hand over Jon 's mitt and caught it . The Boston " fans " in Seattle … that is something else . I cannot believe there are so many people who live in Seattle and for some reason are all fan of Boston . In fact it gets loud in Safeco with all the Boston fans . They are annoying . I think next time I am going to wear some Yankees stuff to just make the Boston fans mad . Because if the person is a real Boston fan he will not like seeing the NY stuff . June 26th , 2007 When I got over to the game in Moscow with Brandon we were going to throw the ball around . That is when I opened my softball bag and found that I was sans my mitt . That was a small crisis . I did not want to lose my mitt . I did not want to have to buy a new mitt . I did not want to have to break a new mitt in . I found a mitt that the umpire had . He let me use it for the game . I got another double today . I am now two doubles and two walks from tying both records . I want to own the doubles records and I would like to tie the walks record . Sklyer has had the walks record for seven years . After the game Brandon and I went to the Pullman fields to ask them if the mitt was found . One of the umpires was the field manager on Sunday and said he found it and took it to the parks and rec office . That made me feel so much better . But that also meant that I would have to stay in town until at least eight in the morning tomorrow . I was planning on getting out of town before that . June 25th , 2007 When I had the meeting for the reserve association to cover the constitution and the things we are trying to accomplish Chapman was critical of the overall idea and that it will drive a wedge between everyone . That having a shirt that says reserve association will drive a wedge . He wants a single unified front and that we should separate ourselves . That doing anything like that is bad . But there was no though given to the fact that we already have a reserve fund and that we have always used that separately . I just think there are outside influences over this . It is silly . Anyone who is against what has been put together so far is doing so ignorantly . They could not have read what the goal and objectives are . They are basing everything on hearsay at best and bad assumptions at worse . I just hope that between now and the end of next month people will have had some time to think about it some more . I need to speak with Chapman more . He pretty much derailed what was planned for the meeting . One guy said that we should do everything that the association was going to do , but just not call it an association . Therefore making everything okay . So that would lead one to believe it is not about what the association does , it is about the word association . What is so scary about what we are trying to do . I felt like I was left to hang last night . No one really spoke up if they were in favor of it . Even one of the most vocal people is saying that right now he has no position because he is not in Pullman . I told him that he is leaving me hanging because the thing will collapse if it appears that there is no support from the majority of the people . I also plan to have a meeting with the union president . It seems that a lot of union members are asking why we are trying to start a union . Which goes to show the ignorance about what is happening . It also shows that they really don 't care other than to cause trouble . Because those people have been told to talk to me and none of them have . They don 't care about the truth . Maybe I am wrong about it , but come on , when people make assumptions , know where to get the correct information and refuse to get it … one word … Ignorance . June 24th , 2007 In softball today we had games against My Office and Trinity Baptist . My Office is an A - league that which is unbeaten . They lead the league . We were going to have to beat them in order to remain near the top . Having an extra quarter loss due to the FFT we had last week we have to make sure My Office and Zeppoz each get two losses . Zeppoz has one , and we play them once more . My Office has none , but we play them twice . So as long as we win out , we will be in first place in the league . I started pitching against My Office and I was having a hard time with ball control . I walked several people and with errors we were in a six run hole after the first inning . I had Jake finish that inning of pitching and go from there . We started to hit the ball around a little bit and kept scoring runs . Finally near the end of the game we took a lead . By the last inning our lead was five runs . My Office had the last ups . They started to chip away and had scored four runs . With the tying run on second base . With only one out . We finally got some stuff going and made the outs . Their tying run was stranded and we won the game . Now we had to play Trinity Baptist . They are a B - league team that is struggling . We had nearly a thirty minute break between games because of the game before ours starting late and going to seven inning . When we got on the field we pretty much dominated them after the first inning with a couple silly plays where we ran into each other and what not . I had two triples in the game - they only had three outfielders . It was pretty easy for us to win the game and more or less played around the whole time once we got a handle on playing well and hitting well . With the second victory we are now in control of our own destiny . If we win out we win the league . June 23rd , 2007 I started out this morning waking up without an alarm clock . I forgot to set it before going to bed . I was supposed to be in Colfax at eight o ' clock AM to have breakfast with Jim and Jerrid . I got up a quarter of eight . So I had to hustle . I got to Well 's in Colfax around eight - fifteen . I had breakfast with the other guys . Carl happened to be at the booth next to us when I got there . Today we are playing softball and golf . After breakfast it was off to Steptoe for the softball game . It was Colfax fire against Steptoe fire . On the way there I was just outside of Colfax going up Buck Canyon . I saw a truck pulling over to the shoulder , then it kept going off the road into the ditch . All of a sudden the driver corrected and was coming back on the highway aimed straight at my truck . We were on a collision course . I hit my brakes and moved over a little bit . I was getting prepared for the collision . I was not sure where my truck was going to get hit , but I was very scared . Then the driver re - corrected his path and started to spin out , He did a one - eighty . He was facing the wrong way going across his original lane of travel . Then he hit the soft shoulder and his truck rolled . I pulled over and grabbed my radio . I was shaking pretty bad . I got out and the man in the car behind me said he thought I was going to get hit . I said " so did I " . I got ahold of Whitcom on the radio to let them know what I was out on . Jim and Jerrid were behind me and did not see the accident happen . They stopped as well . I walked across the highway to the truck . The man was already out and getting things from his truck . It landed on its wheels and he was okay . He said he had fallen asleep . Once Colfax Police got on scene I cleared and we continued to Steptoe . The game had just started . We were on offense . Our hitters were not able to hit the ball very well , and the other teams ' pitcher could not get the ball across the plate . But we swung anyway . I did not hit the ball well at all . One time I did get patient and ended up walking . On defense I played right field most of the game and I played at first base for two innings . We ended up losing to Steptoe . After the game Jerrid , Jim , and I stuck around and hit the ball around . We were hitting the ball well at that time . Ralph asked why we couldn 't hit like that during the game . After we hit around for a while we went to the Steptoe fire station for a community barbecue . Jim and I were sitting inside the office area of the fire station when a mom with a six year old came in and said he got a couple slivers . Jim got an alcohol pad and a needle so we could help the kid . He was whimpering about the slivers . I used the alcohol pad to clean the hand , and then pulled out the needle . the kid wanted to see it before I used it . I handed it to him with the cap still on . He pulled it out the cap and tried to recap it when he missed the cap and hit his finger with the needle . He screamed bloody - murder and cried like crazy . Then he would not go near me so I could clean the blood . It was pretty much a finger prick like when someone does a blood sugar check . It was nothing major , but he was going to have nothing to do with me after that . His mom took him to the bathroom to clean the blood . The food was getting served so Jim and I got in line for the food and sat down with Jeff and Ralph . We ate and talked about fire department stuff for a while . This was also the day the big ball was going to get rolled down Steptoe Butte . We were planning on going to watch that . I went to get some gas . When I got back I found they were not going to go do that for a couple more hours . Jim and I decided to just go back to Colfax . I dropped Jim off at home and then I went to the jail . I went to the Coroners office to drop off my case report from the death yesterday and then went to control and hung out until just after four o ' clock . I updated a couple forms we use . The incident and infraction report has a margin on the left side that when it gets holes punched into it , the words are punched out . So I got that fixed by making the margin wider . I went to Rosauers on the way to the golf course to get some pop and water . I went to the golf course and practiced some golf putting . I put on my new golf shoes and went into the clubhouse to pay for the tournament stop . We got golf carts which was nice to have because I did not want to have to walk the whole course . We played a shotgun start , best ball tournament . We started on hole number six . We played nine holes and then went to the clubhouse for dinner . Once all the teams were back we ate and held the raffle for a lot of items that were donated . The golf tournament is put on by the Colfax police department for raising money for the Special Olympics . After dinner and the raffle we went back out for the second round . We played with glow balls and had glow sticks on the flags and markers around the course . It was my first time playing in a glow ball tournament . It was fun to do . We had to watch the ball go because it was harder to see the ball when it went into the grass . I ended up losing one ball on the ninth hole , hitting it onto the road way . I had to use a second ball for the next five holes . I was doing very well today on my drives because I was not trying to crush the ball . In fact if I tried to over swing my ankle would hurt , so I had to ease back and that made a big difference in my game . When I was done on the golf course it was almost eleven - thirty . I went to Pullman and waited until just after midnight for a poker game at Peter 's . We started playing near one in the morning . We played until four in the morning . I did very bad . I was calling on a lot of things and ended up losing about twenty bucks . That sucked , but it was a good day over all . Turned out it was one of the people who live in Paul 's Place . He was well known around town and always was helping to keep the streets and parking lots clean . A lot of people were sad when they found out about his death . Because I now have to be in Colfax at eight in the morning and I didn 't get a lot of sleep anyway , I decided that I would make it an early night . I did start my laundry . I had several loads to get through . I got those washing as I relaxed downstairs and while I made some dinner on the grill . June 21st , 2007 The softball game for tonight was cancelled so I had the evening to do whatever . At six o ' clock I went to The Deuce to talk with Bien about the association . I was wearing one of the brand new shirts that I got today . It has the association logo on it . While I was at the station the guys got called on out a rekindle of the field fire on WSU Campus from earlier today . Then they went to an EMS call . I was waiting around the station for them to get back . I planned on going to the jail to hang out and stopped by Colfax Fire . Before they got back a call came in for a structure fire . I went to check the map for hydrants and where to come in with the engine . I heard the responding unit request a second alarm . That is when I decided to go to the bathroom and get rid of some of the stuff in my pockets . I went back in and started to put on my turnouts . One other firefighter came running in , he was a green stripe until Monday . He was excited and ready to roll . I called Chapman to see if he was coming . I wanted to see if we could get a full rig before rolling . I saw Chapman came down and more people started to show up . This firefighter tried to jump into the front seat . I told him to get in the back . I also made sure he tagged in . Then one of the Lts came . We changed over to taking Engine thirty - two . I got tagged in . Chapman was going to drive but the Lt said he wanted one of his career guys to drive instead . Chapman got out and went to Engine thirty - one . While we were going I got into my air pack and waited to get on scene . We stopped at Spring Street and Main street . I was facing backwards . But I looked out my window and looked forward . That is when I saw the column of smoke and the flames shooting . I knew this was going to be a real one . The building as it was when we got there . Another view of the fire . We were sent up to the house . It was a long way from where we were , becuase we had to walk up the road to the driveway and then up the long driveway . When we got there we were told to take the blitz line off the PL and use it to fight the fire and protect the exposure . My team on a blitz line . Three handlines fighting the fire . We threw water on the fire for a while from the front of the building then we went to the back side . It was a small area and we had a two - and - a - half inch line . So it was tough to handle it . But we got some water thrown on the back of the house . After working both sides for a while we went to rehab . I then got assigned to rehab manager . I got the area set up , but no one was really coming over after the initial wave of fighting the fire , it clamed down and was not all the major . We stayed outside of the building and did not go on air , so we never really needed any more rehab . Finally I did get one crew over to my location , which was about one hundred feet from the scene . While I was waiting out there Jay came and asked if I wanted to stay there for a few more hours . I said " no " . I thought he meant in rehab . He meant on scene with the engine thirty - three - The Great White Hope . I told him I would do that . The rescue crew switched out with a couple of other guys for various reasons . We hung around on scene for a couple hours putting water on the building from time to time . It was a pretty quiet night . Gribbon got some pop and other things for us to have up there because we had to stay up there until three in the morning . We also had to fuel the engine up before taking it back to the station . June 20th , 2007 This evening I was teaching a CPR class . Only three people came to it , so the class went by pretty quickly . It started at six in the evening and I was done around nine - thirty , then I had the clean up and decon of the equipment so that adds more time to everything . I got home and invited Russell over to watch Rescue Me and have some pizza with me . I also told him about what happened in the jail recently . He thought it was a pretty funny story . June 19th , 2007 We only had nine guys show up for softball and we were playing a team that already beaten us this season . But our defense was very good and out hitting seemed to be even better . It has carried over to my city league . I was getting solid basehit after solid basehit . It was nice . The sun was out and it was pretty warm , but we kicked some butt and won the softball game . After the game several of us went to My Office for a couple hours and watched some TV and hung out . June 18th , 2007 Tonight at the training we had a green stripe removal ceremony . All the guys who just finished their training got to remove their green stripes . Then they shook the Crew Leaders ' hands and those of the Capt and Lt who were on duty . They are no able to go into burning buildings and do everything as they have completed their training . One of the guys left his helmet at the station . I found it so I put a green stripe back on it and took it down to station two for him . I handed it to him with the green stripe facing him . When he saw it he got a big smile . June 17th , 2007 With a knock on the window of my truck it was time to get up and get into my softball uniform . I went into my tent that was set up to use as a changing room and got on the uniform . I grabbed a granola bar and some pop . I was very amazed that my ankle was not causing me a great deal of pain this morning after having allowed it so much time to rest and get tight . But I was able to move around with very little pain to show for it . We headed out to the field for our eight o ' clock in the morning game . The field we were on had a strong wind from right field . I was playing catcher . For the first little bit Jake worked on learning the wind so he could put the ball in the strike zone . Then he was grooving them in . We were making good defensive plays . We also played well offensively . We consistently hit the ball well through out the first game . Just like with any video game , as you move level to level the competition gets harder . That was the case today . We then faced the team that beat us in the first game to put us in the loser bracket , Ameritile . We went out there and really kicked some butt . Ameritile had just come from the other field having scored thirty - eight runs . We did not let that scare us , as we went on to hold them scoreless for the first three or four innings . In fact Jake was pitching a one hitter behind solid defense . In the fifth inning they started to hit the ball and scored a couple runs against us , but the mercy rule kicked in ending that game . Following that we had to face the Pounders , which was a team that had beating Palouse Tavern in another tournament by ten - running them . They also chose to be the away team . They wanted to go out and set the pace and put the other team in the hole early on . They scored several runs quickly , but our defense really turned it on , and we started to turn some double plays . Jake 's pitching was really good as we now had played two games with the wind and knew how to play with it , that was our home field advantage . While playing the Pounders their catcher was joking about my speed . Then when I got to first base after a base hit , he yelled out to me when I run the wind stops . It happened to be a lull in the wind and people laughed . We had a lead on these guys going into the seventh inning . They had the first at bats . They strung a couple hits together and cleared the bases scoring several runs . They were one run from tying up the game . That runner was on second base . The ball came in to left - center . Kenny came charging the ball , I could see the guy round the bag at third . Kenny let loose with the ball , and it was a strike coming in to me at catcher . I got ready for the play at the plate to end the game . I caught the ball , and kept my mind on where the baserunner was . Then I turned and made the tag . He was out and the game was done . It was a fun ending to the game . After three straight game we were moving to a different field . The next field over had two undefeated teams playing each other . We were playing the losing team for the right to play in the championship game . Those two team that had just played had a see - saw battle with the runs . They both scored into the twenties . With the Donks down , they went into the final inning and put together a rally , scoring the winning run on a nice single . So we had to play a team with these bright orange shirts . They looked like they had several homerun hitters . Turns out they did . Defensively we were solid , on offense we couldn 't get anything going . It was zero to zero for a couple innings which surprised me . Then we broke it open with a four spot . They went up and loaded the bases for a grand - slam homerun . That tied the scored . We then scored two runs . And we would continue to tack on runs for the rest of the game . Finally we had a nine run lead going into the seventh inning . The first guy to the plate hit a homerun . Then the next couple guys we some basehits . Then another guy hits a homerun , and finally a couple batters later , another guy hits a homerun . That was three disallowed homeruns for outs in the seventh inning to end their day . We were in the championship game . We had played four games straight without a break . We were going to game five . I could see by now , the sun had come out and the energy level of everyone was draining . It was to keep the energy level we had early on . The outfielders were tired . The infielders were tired . Peoples ' arms were hurting . We were thirsty . But we were hungry for a championship . The Donks were a local team . They were undefeated , for us to win , we would have to beat them twice in a row . They were undefeated for a reason . But we ignored that and went out to play some softball . We did our part with the sticks making a lot of good basehits and scoring some runs . But on defense I could see the hours of play was wearing people down . Matt didn 't get to a ball that normally he would have gotten to . The outfield was just a bit slower on some plays . The infield has a couple of uncharacteristic errors . That coupled with an out call at home that ended our inning , plus an out that was never called because the umpire said our outfielder dropped the ball caused us some hardships . But we had an eight run lead going into the seventh inning . They were the home team because they were undefeated . In the bottom of the seventh all we had to do was to get three outs and go to the second game . But they started to hit the ball . I knew our team was hurting when after the inning the jumping back slaps that Kelly and some of the other would do turned into just back slaps . The jumping was over with . In my second to last at bat , there were two outs and I was on first base . My quads were sore and I did not want to run . But I brought up my positive mental attitude by thinking about the fact that I want this . That I had gone this far and I just have to do it . Physically I was sore , but mentally I was building back up . It paid off as during my last at bat , I hit a ball well , and went the guy bobbled it for a second I ran for second base . But now the task was defense . But it was not to be . We could not make the outs we needed , like I said one out was taken away from us . But they still hit the ball well enough to score nine runs and beat us . We ended up second place for the tournament . I hope that in the future I will get invited back to other tournaments with Kelly . We went back to camp , cleaned up the area , and said our goodbyes to everyone . It was a neat tournament . We had an average age of the outfield of twenty - one , and the infield 's average age was about thirty - six . With two of the players over fifty . I learned to be a lot more aggressive on the basepath . I stretched several hits into doubles because of a bobble , where in the past I would not have . I also scored from second on single because I ran hard and was aggressive about running . It was also said that I had the highest batting average for the team . One of the guys , George , said that it was good playing with me . He said I was a real professional . That is from a guy who had played for the twins back in his prime . I got on the road and went home . It was home , showered and ready to be on call for the fire department . We did not get any calls from seven o ' clock on . It was very quiet . I was very tired as well . I actually went to bed around nine - thirty in the evening . June 16th , 2007 Our first game this morning was at nine - fifteen am . I was up around five in the morning . I could not sleep because I was pretty warm in my truck . I got up when I saw Jake was up and about around six in the morning . We made a fire . I sat around the fire with some of the others while I was having some granola bars from breakfast . We went to the fields early to do some batting practice . Then we went to our first game . We were playing a team we should have won , but we could not get our sticks going very well . We ended up losing by a couple runs , nothing major . Because of the loss our next game was going to be out at field three . That was a baseball field . So the bases were actually on the grass rather than the dirt . We did well in that game going on to win . Kelly had redone the batting order . I was hitting ninth , but I did okay in the first game , so I was moved to eighth . One guy who was doing really bad was moved to tenth . He also moved a couple other people around in the line up . That line up we seemed to score more runs so we kept it for the next game . We won the second game and had a four hour break . We went back to the camp and had some food . I also took time to rest in my truck . We got on the road and to the field in time to see we were nearly thirty minutes early because the game on the field before us was going long . I found out there were no time limits . Because of that we were able to play the whole game . But there was a mercy rule of ten runs , not twelve . The umpire had a strike zone that was nearly impossible to hit a strike . Jake struggled for a long time . After the first two inning they had seventeen runs against us . We were down by thirteen . But we went to work finally with our sticks . We got patient at the plate and allow the umpire to issue some walks and got some well timed hits . Then we made a run in one inning and scored a lot of runs . Soon we were up . The game went all seven innings with us winning twenty - eight to twenty - four . We also had played in what felt like the longest game I can remember playing . When it was done we play nearly an hour and fifty minutes . When that game was done we went back to camp . Got the fire going . We had dinner together . Sat around the fire and talked about a lot of different things because finding our way to bed . It was around eleven o ' clock at night when I went to sleep . June 15th , 2007 This morning I got cracking on the login controls as well as the other parts of the demo I was scheduled to create . I was working away at it . I was a step ahead as I had just done this stuff in my learning process , so I was able to set it up quicker than normal . But I was running into a problem when I was told we are not going to use a database for this demo . That meant I had to figure out another way to do the profiles . After much searching and not getting anything to work , I finally decided to talk to Ricky about using session variables . He said we will be using those , and because of that , I was able to get my stuff done . I spent some time getting packed for going to Waitsburg for the softball tournament . I also would check the computer for new messages . I was able to get a few things tweaked as I was getting that done . I went to Jess Ford around six o ' clock to meet up with Jake , Kelly , and Matt to head to the park . We pulled into Lewis Clark State Park around eight o ' clock . I got my tent set up . Everyone was impressed with how easy it was to set up . It is a Coleman with all the poles built in . All you had to do was snap one object into place . It was super easy . We talked to the park ranger who did not want us to use the cement pad for a fire pit . He said just pull up the grass and use that . So we built a fire pit after carefully taking out the grass and setting it aside . We got a fire going and then spent part of the evening sitting around the fire and talking with everyone as we waited for the morning for the softball tournament to start . June 14th , 2007 Today there was a lot of stuff going on today . I had several meetings plus a poker game scheduled for today . I got a message from Chris saying that we were all called to a company meeting for two o ' clock pm today . When I called in the CEO said there was good and bad news . The bad news was there a couple people were let go . The good news was a lot of positive things were around the corner . But the CEO made it clear that we were all going to have to pull out weight and that if it appeared someone was not up to the task they would be let go . Let me tell you that was a scary thought for me . As I have learned , you get job security and low pay working for the government , and you get high pay and no job security working for private companies . It makes you realize how fragile your job and financial situation is . I was meeting with a loan officer today to discuss what it would take to buy a piece of property and then build on it down the road . But with the whole situation at work it made me realize that I should not be doing anything with big purchases which would include buying the house next to mine , even though I do want to get it . The CEO also asked that I get over to Seattle a little bit more . She said that I have been very good about working from home and that I was pretty much the poster boy for people working from home . I also talked to my boss , Chris , who was one of the ones let go . He said that same thing . He was kept on as a dev though . But it is pretty much a contact position . I had a poker game scheduled for my place . Philip , Brandon , JT , Peter , and I were playing here today . I didn 't do very well and lost about ten bucks on the night . It wasn 't too bad for me , but I could not get a hand to save my bacon for most of the night . June 13th , 2007 In celebration of the Season Premiere of Rescue Me , I set up a get together at Station Two for the reserves . I had about seven of them show up to watch Rescue Me . I also had the sunglasses from Oakley that we had ordered . I gave those out to everyone as we sat around and watched Rescue Me . June 12th , 2007 After nearly a week without softball , I was weak . Okay , that was pretty gay , but seriously , I was excited to get out there . I worked in the office this morning . I got the new wheel and tire put on my truck . As I was getting ready to leave I ended up getting myself into something that went on for forty - five minutes . It put me behind when I wanted to leave , but I still had time before the game . We went against Smitty 's team . We held them scoreless for four innings , then they scored eleven . They put two more on later to beat us by two . I had a very bad game going one for four . I could not get ahold of the ball . After the game I went home to get my stuff done around the house . I had to update my budget spreadsheet with the money I spent in Seattle . I had to go through the sunglasses order that came in and figure out what items belonged to what people . It was nearly a thousand bucks in orders , so I want to make sure everything is just right . June 11th , 2007 The plan was to hang out with Peter tonight . After I was done working I got a hold of Peter . I went to his Condo in Bellevue that he rents . He showed me around that . We talked about his job search . I was trying to find out why he doesn 't want to be a lawyer anymore . He never would say , but I started to think that there could be something else . I then sort of figured out that maybe something happened with the LSAT test that made it where he didn 't feel he could get into a good law school . I don 't know if that is the case , it was a guess . We walked to Lincoln Square to watch a movie . We ended up seeing Oceans Thirteen . It was a lot better than Oceans Twelve . The movie had a lot of little laughs through out the movie . It was one once again where they were in charge and in control . Whereas Oceans Twelve it seemed like someone else was always controlling them . When the movie was done we walked down to Jack in the Box for some dinner . We sat in there for about an hour or so talking about the housing situation that I am in . Trying to figure out if I should try to get owner financing on the place next door , or if I should try to buy some land and then down the road have a house built . I am not sure what direction I am going to go , but I need to at least talk to Pam about doing the owner financing on her place . June 10th , 2007 Mr . Thuot woke me up around six o ' clock in the morning . When I got to the camp he asked me to do a round and get everyone to come back to the basecamp . He was doing his final briefing before everyone went through all the camps and talked about the pros and cons of each one . While that was going on Joe and I stuck around the main fire and watched it dwindle out as we do not throw new wood on the fire after that point . I sat around playing with the fire at that point . When everyone came back Mr . Thuot was handing everyone back their car keys and cell phones . He also gave out some OJ and donuts . Everyone ate with happiness . I noticed one guy there with what appeared to be a wedding band on his left ring finger . I wanted to ask if he was married but I never did . Now I am curious if he was married and a senior in High School . When we left , we carpooled to Ken 's Truck Town and Mr . Thuot did his final send off there . I decided that because I was so close to the old camping spot , I thought I would go check it out . I drove up there . It seemed like things went further back than I remember them in the past . I was cruising along going higher and higher up . I still recognized many of the landmarks as I went along . It has been nearly a dozen years since my last trip up there . I was up near where the camp sites should have been , but I could only see places where large boulders were placed in what were once roads . I came to realize they have shut down those camping spaces from people . That really sucked to see . I decided to keep going up to the top of the road where it ended and you could see the river flowing at a very high point and it was like it was in a waterfall type state . I am not clear exactly how far away I was when I kept hearing a metallic - type sound . I also was having worries in the pit of my stomach . No one knew were I was going and I had no cell phone coverage . I figured I could be entering my own little survival situation . So finally I needed to take a leak and I wanted to see what the sound was that I kept hearing . I got out and found my left read tire was halfway off the wheel . It was shredded up badly and my wheel was heavily damaged as well . Not a good situation for me . I drove up the road some more in order to find a spot where I could turn around . Also something wide enough I could be off the road way and where my spare would not easily roll over the cliff edge and leave me stranded . It took some time to get the tire changed , but I got it done . I made my way down the hill , but I went around five miles per hour the whole way down the rougher part to make sure I did not damage another tire as then I would really be stuck up there . When I got home I got a call from Don from the Maulers . I am going to play with them during the ECC at the end of the month . I am really looking forward to doing that . I went in the house and helped with replacing the vents that Bill pulled down so he could vacuum them . I then finally got a shower to get the smell of smoke and mud off of me . I spent the rest of the day trying to stay awake and watching some TV , doing some stuff on the computer . I wanted to go to bed late so I would not get on a totally messed up schedule for me . June 9th , 2007 When I woke up this morning I spent time finishing up The Ecomancer . I was near the end and I wanted to finish it off before I went to the survival outing . Honestly , I wanted to take some time before I went up there . I wasn 't going to be on time . I figure if I got up there later , I could have a normal meal . I went to Safeway and got some pop , water , and some food . Then I went to the spot at Bandara Air field . I got to camp around five in the evening . The students were getting a briefing . I got a chance to see the others who are there every year . It was good to see everyone . I also found out that the school district is bring back Survival Science for at least one more year . That was good to hear . The rest of the evening was spent around the fire like normal . Talking with everyone and remembering back to people back in high school . At one point my forehead was starting to burn like there was some OC or something sprayed on it . I don 't know what caused it , but I put some water on it and then some lotion and it started to feel better . June 8th , 2007 After work I went to Jon 's and Jim came over . We went to play in the Washington Poker Tour 's latest tournament . It is an eighty dollar buy - in . That covers the beer , food , pop , and equipment . It was pretty neat . I started out okay and kept growing my stack through the first four rounds of play . After the fourth round of play we got to do an add - on . I did that . I was sitting near the lead on the table , but really , most of us were pretty even . Once the fourth round was done people started to fall out of the tournament pretty quick . I hung around for a while , but I finally got knocked out . I went in with the best hand , but got busted on the river . I went to a cash table . I did pretty well there . I was on the table for a couple hours playing and winning some money . At one point I was up one hundred bucks . That would have meant that I was even for the night . But in one hand , I lost everything . I had top pair , Aces , with a ten for a kicker . But the other guy was betting and I figured he may have had me out kicked . Then on the river there was a nine . Turned out he had an Ace - Nine . That gave him two pair to my one pair . He beat me on the river . I had about thirty bucks more . I played some more . Once again I lost on a hand where I was doing the best , but someone caught up to me . We left around two in the morning . It was fun , and I hope one of these days I can do it again . June 7th , 2007 I went to Bellevue this morning . I got up around five in the morning and hit the road . I pulled in as Ricky , Chris , and Brian were getting to the office . I got on the computer and started to do the normal morning things . I also got the projects that I have been working on moved over to my desktop . I got a call from Keith letting me know that Marine Patrol was cancelled this weekend . That meant that I would be able to do the whole weekend long survival science outing . I called Mr . Thuot on the way home and he gave me an updating on what the plan was working the weekend . I let him know I would be able to be there pretty much the whole time . June 6th , 2007 Tonights softball game was going to be one where we were probably going to lose . We did . Zeppoz scored eleven runs in the first inning and never looked back . We did make some come backs as much as we could . We scored about two to three runs an inning but that was not enough . After the game we went to the bar and hung out for a while . It was good to get out with the team . I bought a pitcher of beer because I hit a solo homerun . As usual when I hit a homerun , it is not that I meant to do it , but it went out on me . It felt good to hit it . I was trying for a hard hit , but it just flew out . June 5th , 2007 I went to Colfax because the softball game was rained out tonight . I went down to Colfax early in hopes of making it out on a call should one go out . But as I sat there nothing was happening at all . We went to Steptoe for OTEP training , but the trainer never showed up . We sat around for about thirty minutes . When no one showed up still we all left to go back to the station . I was at the station and we watched NCIS and House . During the last fifteen minutes of House we got a call from a hemorrhage . When we got to the scene , there was a lot of stuff in the way we had to move to get the patient out . We called for some back up to help get the person out . Once we were at the hospital we were asked to stay around because there was a possibility that we would be doing an emergency transfer to Spokane . We waited around for about an hour and we ended up not doing the transfer . So we went back to the station . Resupplied the ambulance and then I was on my way back home . June 4th , 2007 Today going to Monday night training seems like it has been forever since I have done that as part of the reserve corp . But today we did aerial operations . We spent time using the tools in the bucket of the PL as well as practiced taking people down a ladder using different carries . Training lasted a couple hours and towards the end we started to see some lightning strikes . It was pretty cool . The wind picked up a lot as well . I slept in today . I did not get up until after the noon hour . It felt good to sleep in , but a little later I learned about a fatal motorcycle accident . I don 't know if I was called for it , but I did turn off my cell phone because I did not want anything to wake me up . June 3rd , 2007 I went to bed and only three hours later my cell phone was ringing . It was six - thirty in the morning . I was being called to an unattended death near Hooper . That is in the western - most part of Whitman County . In fact while driving there typically you drive into Adams county then South back into Whitman County . I was on scene for just under an hour . Then I went back to the funeral home and did my work there . I went to the coroner 's office following that to do my report and print everything off . By the time I was done it was after the noon hour . I went to Colfax fire and hung out for a few minutes . David , Craig , and I were there . I was pointing out the last time it was just us and the guy on duty we got … then Craig said " don 't say it . " David and him both remembered that we got that fatal accident that I was IC of . I went back to Pullman and down to the fire station for daily rig checks . We got those knocked off in a couple hours of time . It was very hot outside and inside the bay . We had a total of four people helping . For about a half hour of the shift neither Brian nor I could be on duty . That is why we did the rig checks early . I went to my softball game and Brian was finishing his up . Brian left to be on duty and we took the dug out . We were playing our first regular season game after nearly three weeks off duty to a rain out and a week off for Memorial Day . I went home and got ready to be on call for the fire department . Then I went to Brandon and Peter 's to play some poker with them . At one point I lost a lot of money on one hand where I had the same hand and someone else by I got out - kicked . I went down to under a dollar and sat around that level for quiet a while . Some people thought I would just go all - in on nothing . But I waited for my hand then I would play it . I ended up winning each time I did end up going all - in . Finally it was nearing the end of the night . I walked out only down four dollars . Not too bad for having been sitting at thirty - five cents for a little bit . June 2nd , 2007 I have been needing to get my lawnmower set up for a long time . Since my last trip to Seattle when I bought it . I finally got it set up today . My lawn was already short , so I just ran it across the lawn and helped to cut it . I am going to have to do that probably twice a week and it will keep my grass nice and short . Later in the evening I went to Dissmores to get some chew . While there I saw Brandon and Peter . Kevin , the ten - six - seven , was working . He pointed at me and said to a co - worker of his that was the guy who gave those bad beats . Peter invited me over to play some beerpong . I went home and got cleaned up then went to Peter and Brandon 's . I played one game of beerpong and then Peter , Brandon , and I sat around watching the end of WPT . I went to Zeppoz to see Russell . Beren was also there . I talked to him about his house going up for a sale due to him not paying the mortgage , that is when I found out Denise was no longer dating him , or something like that , at the very least she moved out and that is what put him in a pinch . June 1st , 2007 My day on Mercer Island Boat Patrol was cancelled for today so that meant I had a day off and I could do what I wanted . I decided I would work the jail . But I had some things to take care of in Pullman before I left to go to Colfax . When I got to Colfax I went into Control . I ran control for about an hour before going to the Auditors office to get the tabs for my boat and trailer , but because I did not license them last year , if I were to do it today , I would have to pay for all of last year , plus this coming year . If I wait until the end of the month , then I will only have to pay for the next year . That made it a no - brainer . I sold a phone card to a guy in Orange . Sgt Poffenroth came with me to make sure I could log into Swanson . She didn 't think I would be able to , but I was able to login just fine . So I got the phone card sold . We were heading up stairs to the staff office when she asked if I was the one who always put the backgrounds of the military aircraft . I laughed . I said I don 't even know what that one was . She said , you would probably put pictures of naked men . It because pretty clear she knew that I am gay . She could see me blushing , I could feel my face go flush . Later I went to her office and asked how she knew . She said he has known for years . She figured it out on her own . She said pretty much every officer knows . I was shocked for sure . I knew that Tom knew , so that would increase the chances of others knowing . Captain came in and he confirmed they had known for years . Poff also was shocked that I didn 't know that they knew . Which is a sign that no one really cares at all . I told her how careful I always was with that information because I didn 't want people there to know . Poff said a while back when Donna was trying to set me up with a girl over in the Treasurers office , that she had to tell Captain to let Donna know it would be a moot point trying to get me hooked up . Then Captain said that they knew I was dating the guy who worked at JTI . I knew they were talking about Thomas . That surprised me because he didn 't know who Thomas was , just that I was dating someone from JTI . But Thomas and I were only friends , we never dated . Then he said that we are in a small town . Just like Monte said to me a long time ago . I let Captain know that Thomas and I were just friends . But we use to joke about living in SGC " South Gay Colfax " . He laughed . Poffenroth was cracking up over the fact that I was in the dark about them knowing about me for this whole time . One of my biggest fears was that they would treat me differently or that the inmates would find out . None of that has been the case . Now I wonder who all actually knows and who doesn 't know . If they all know in the jail , do the people over at Colfax Fire know . No one at Colfax Fire has ever said anything to me . But it would be interesting if they have known for a long time too . While working at the jail I got a text message about playing some poker tonight around eleven - thirty pm . I went to Peter 's to play . He had people who work with him at SEL over to play . Kevin , a ten - six - seven , from Dissmore 's was also there . Blue eyes and blonde hair and tall . Plus very nice . He was a good sight for the night . While there another ten - six - seven showed up . He was someone who was stopping by with some over people . We played for hours and hours . In fact it was getting light out . Pretty soon the light coming in the window was actually casting shadows on the poker table . The game broke up around seven o ' clock in the morning . When it was done I had lost a total of six bucks , and that was good considering I was all - in a couple times . One of them I knew I was being beat . There were two Queens on the board . I had a King . There was one King on the board , so I had two pair and I knew Kevin had trips . We went to the river and I knew I needed a King , and a King hit giving Kevin and I a full - house , but mine was better . As it turned out one other guy who was in also had a King , so it turned out we had a one - outer . It came through . Another time I was playing and had pocket - eights . All night long eights have been hitting . So I played them aggressively . I ended up going all in . Kevin again was playing against me . He had over - cards and got two of them on the flop . He was leading . The turn had nothing to help either of us . I was all - in and I needed to have an eight . I was dealing . I burned a card . Then I held the card over the spot where I needed to turn it over . I held on to it for a while because I did not want to see it . Then rapidly I flipped it over . It was an eight . I had won . Everyone was laughing . Someone said the way I did it reminded them of the movie Maverick . |
Goose aka Lucy is spending a few weeks up at Holly 's B and B . . . . . . . . . . a romantic rendezvous so to speak . I don 't know yet who she will be paired with . . . . but I am sure he will be handsome and well mannered . . . . if not , Goose will take care of it . . . . . . . . . . . she is not a shrinking violet . Can 't tell you how much I miss her . I was out walking with the boys yesterday when we spotted some folks walking way ahead of us . . . . . Gummie started pulling and off we went . . . . . it 's a game with him . He always wants to catch up and greet whoever is in front . But you know I 'm not nearly as quick as I used to be and I could see it was going to take a long time to catch up . Luckily they turned around and headed toward us . . . . . . . . . . and Gummie was so excited that he really started pulling . I think we both realized at the same time that their little dog was a blenheim cavalier . When we met it was all lovey dovey and wagging tails . These folks were visiting from Ohio and we had the best time talking cavalier . Gummie and their dog , Sunshine , were immediately smitten . . . . . so was I . She even looked a little bit like Goose . We all walked down the path , talking . . . . . . with Gummie and Sunshine in the lead . When we split off the boys and I headed home and all I could think was I can 't wait to go get the Goose . I have always heard that as soon as you think you know what 's going to happen and how it 's going to happen . . . . you will surely be wrong . The older I get , the more true it seems to be . I am a realist but still an optimist . . . . sort of . . . . and this Christmas season was shaping up in my mind to be . . . . difficult . . . . maybe even depressing . . . . . . but there was that little bit of hope in there . I had a bunch of ornaments laid out on the table complete with the hangers attached and ready to be hung . . . . got interrupted and had to go out for awhile . When I got home I noticed that the only ornaments on the table were the glass balls and a few of those were on the floor . I assumed someone had put them on the tree . So I put the balls on and got another batch ready to hang . Nancy came by and invited us to go out for a late lunch . We enjoyed our meal and a few adult beverages and the tree remained mostly undecorated . . . . . . . . . when we got home the only thing left on the table was two glass balls ! I missed the good shot . . . . when I walked into the room they were all bound up with curling ribbon but by the time I got my camera from downstairs Zeke and Gummie had pretty much gotten it off . I have no idea what happened . . . . . . . but Lucy was definitely the instigator . . . . . . . . her legs were totally wrapped . I had to cut some of it off . . . . . never know what 's going to happen next . MERRY CHRISTMAS from the Carson Pack ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! e How busy is everyone right now ! ! ! As usual , I am running late with so many things but somehow it will get done . . . . . right ? Last night I was wrapping some presents and I had help for the majority of the time . There are very few things that I do alone . Zeke smelled everything and Brogie snoozed right beside me the whole time . But it was Gummie and Lucy who helped the most . A few weeks ago I bought three packages of really pretty , scented tissue paper . . . . lemon , cinnamon , and peppermint . I know , goofy , goofy , goofy . . . . . . but in the boutique it was so pretty and the scent was sutle . . . . . . . and I was sure that it would be perfect for some super soft scarfs I had for some of my friends . When I opened the lemon package it wreaked of rotting citrus . . . . so I tossed it . The cinnamon package was shall we say full bodied . . . . . overpowering . Gummie and I started sneezing and Lucy barked and Zeke jumped off the bed and went downstairs . So I tossed it . I was almost afraid to open the peppermint package . . . . . but it turned out to be really , really pleasing . I guess Gummie thought it was candy because he was all over it and Lucy started pawing at it . It was a hit and even after I was done Lucy and Gummie were still " interested " . . . . . . . . . . . . too interested . I put the wrapped packages in a shopping bag . . . . . ready to be delivered this weekend . It was late , I was tired and we called it a night . I woke up to sounds of Christmas morning when paper is ripped off packages with gusto and there 's little concern for where it lands . Brogie was still asleep but the other three were deep into the excitement of Christmas . I saved the scarves but the shopping bag and the boxes and wrapping paper and especially the tissue paper were in shreds . I was REALLY mad at them , at first . . . . . . . . . . . but when I yelled they all did that cavalier thing . . . . . . . . laid down and looked up at me with those huge brown eyes . I am such a sucker but scented tissue paper SUCKS . e Posted by Thanksgiving is usually my favorite holiday . . . . not so much this year . Too much going on and trouble for some friends and relatives and bad news and on and on . I was happy to say goodbye to November . . . . . . . . and hello to " the most wonderful time of the year " . I was determined to have the Christmas spirit . . . . . no matter how hard I had to work at it . So with the help of four little cavaliers I got all the Christmas decorations spread out on the garage floor and somehow kept Zeke from peeing on them . Brogie made a bed on a pile of artificial holly and poinsettas and slept while Gummie and Lucy helped me test some of the zillion strings of lights . It was obvious that I needed to edit . We filled four big boxes to donate . . . . . . . . . . . have no idea how I accumulated so much stuff . I loaded the car with boxes and dogs and off we went to the thrift store that is run by the local humane society . I 'm not sure what the ladies there liked the most . . . . . the Christmas stuff or the dogs . . . . . . it was a toss up . They got the boxes AND the dogs out of the car . . . . . . . . . . . . . and took ALL inside . I kept one eye on Zeke but he didn 't get much of a chance to lift a leg as he was petted constantly . The dogs got treats and attention , the ladies got wet kisses and wagging tails , the store got plenty of Christmas merchandise ( all sold in less than a week ) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but I was the big winner . . . . . . . . I got a taste of that Christmas spirit that can be so elusive . HO HO HOe Posted by A friend asked me to go Christmas shopping with her and for some reason I said yes . I thought we would meander about for awhile . . . . . . . . . . . get some lunch . . . . . . check out a few stores and maybe have a glass of wine or something and head on home . No No No ! She was a lady on a mission and I was along to help schlep the packages . Turns out her family is having their Christmas at Thanksgiving this year and she will be the hostess . . . . . . . . . and the amount of work ahead of her in the next two weeks is scary . All of her children and grandchildren will be gathering together for the first time in many years . . . . . . . . they live all over the country so this will be a special holiday for all of them . I had two small bags in the middle of her many , many , many bags and boxes of Christmas goodies and when I got home I put them on a chair with my pocketbook and jacket and headed upstairs . . . . I was exhausted . The dogs talked me into going back down for one last potty break and I 'm thinking that 's when they noticed the bags . . . . . . . . I was totally unconcerned about them as there was nothing edible in either bag plus I was soooo tired . . . . . besides , I couldn 't wait to get a warm bath and wash off the zillions of germs I had picked up pushing shopping carts through every store in the area . Thinking back on it I should have known something was amiss . . . . . . . . . . . Zeke is my baking buddy but he is also my bath buddy and he always visits me as soon as I turn the water off . He prances in , puts his head on the side of the tub , I tell him what a good boy he is , he stretches and goes back in the bedroom . . . . . . . . same thing every time . . . . . . but not this time . I got all snug in my bed and was so happy to finally be still . Gummie is my little snitch . . . . . . . . . . . . he whined a time or two and I tried to ignore it . . . . . . . . . . . . good luck with that . I heard a little crinkling sound and a little something that sounded like bells . Of course I gave up and the search began . . . . . . . . Gummie led the way . I am the first to admit that I am not very good with discipline . . . OK , I suck at e I have once again fallen in love with a cavalier . . . . . . . LUCY . Officially , she still belongs to Holly and will go back to Lula early next year to have one more litter . . . . . so I tried , I really tried to just be fond of her and enjoy our time together . . . . . but you know how it is ! She loves to cuddle and she loves to get all up in your grille and she looks at you with those fantastic eyes and boy oh boy does she pull at your heart . She was mostly afraid of the world when she arrived here . Our first walk in the neighborhood terrified her . . . . . . . and when someone rang the doorbell , oh no . Now when I pick up the leashes she runs over and begs to be the first . . . . . . . but then she likes to be first in everything . Did I mention that Lucy is now a DIVA ? She has gone from tail between the legs to " queen of the manor " . The boys are sooooo laid back that they allow her to be first in almost everything . She is doing really well meeting new people . . . . . . . . . . . . still very uneasy with children . . . . but we are working on it . Late yesterday afternoon Zeke and I were busy in the kitchen baking a birthday cake for an old friend and Gummie and Lucy started barking at the front door . . . . . . . . Lucy has the biggest bark of the bunch . . . . . . . . and the biggest bravado to boot . . . . all of that from a little girl that three months ago kept her tail between her legs . I looked out the window . . . nothing . . . went back to the kitchen and Lucy followed me and stood in my way and BARKED and BARKED some more so we went back to the front door . . . . . . . . . . . and it was on . I cracked the door open and didn 't see anything . . . . but Lucy sure did . She let out a shrill bark / howl that shocked all of us . . . to the point we all took a step back . . . . . . . but not Lucy . As soon as I got the door opened she bolted out and charged a fox squirrel who was munching away in the middle of the driveway . Gummie and Brogie were right behind her but Zeke opted to wait for me to lead the way . A fox squirrel is not your run of the mill backyard squirrel . . . . . it 's about twice as big and has a huge fluffy tail . . . . e Lucy is in heat ( she is not scheduled for breeding until next cycle ) and we have never had this experience before . Gummie is oblivious to it but Zeke and Brogie . . . oh my . . . happy days are here again ! ! ! Both were neutered two years ago but neither got the memo . Zeke was a stud for only 2 or 3 years . . . . . he was prolific . . . . guess the ladies couldn 't resist his handsomeness ( is that a word ? ) . . . . whatever , he was eager to PERFORM . Lucy had some thoughts on the subject , however , and they did not include Zeke . He was rebuffed quickly . Zeke is very sensitive and an abrubt rejection like that was evidently more than he could handle . . . . he went upstairs and put his head under the pillows . Lucy could care less . . . . . she only has eyes for Brogie . . . . . 12 year old Brogie . . . stiff , arthritic lovable ole Brogie . He perked up quickly , muscle memory triumphed briefly but only briefly . Lucy presented herself to him repeatedly with no real results . She was all decked out in a state of the art PINK chastity diaper , guaranteed to thwart any unwanted or WANTED intrusions to her litttle self . Brogie sniffed it . . . and her . . . . and made the right movements but he 's an OLD guy . . . . need I say more . Lucy decided to show him the way to glory . . . . . . . . . on his rear at first and when that didn 't work . . . . she mounted on his face . I intervened just to prevent Brogie from suffering any more humiliation . As I understand it , the heat cycle lasts for 3 weeks and we 're half way . . . . . Gummie , Zeke , and Lucy will be fine . Jury 's still out about Brogie . . . . and me . e Gummie and Lucy are best buddies and are almost always together . . . . . so much so that I can hardly get a picture of one of them alone . If I take all of them out for a walk I have to put the two of them together or Lucy pitches a fit . Their personalities are very different but Lucy adores him and Gummie , well he loves everybody , especially Lucy . Lucy is wary of new people and dogs and I 'm hoping Gummie will help her get over it . Her hair is starting to grow and she is looking more beautiful every day . We all love her . . . . EXCEPT . . . . Kissie . The boys all learned early on to pay homage to the queen of the manor but Lucy , not so much . Kissie will eventually win . . . . . . . . . . she always wins . This morning Brogie didn 't come down for his breakfast , but he has done that before . . . nothing to worry about . I pretty much let him determine his own schedule . . . I think he 's earned that . I had a meeting to go to and didn 't get back until the middle of the afternoon . My good friend drove up right behind me . . . . . . . . . she had a calico kitten she had just adopted . We went inside and we all ooohed and ahhhed at how cute the kitten was . Gummie was in love with it . They left and I realized Brogie was not there . . . . . . went upstairs and found him on his pad next to the bed . . . . . . I couldn 't wake him up . . . . . . but I was sure he was still breathing though it was very slow . I tried not to get upset but I guess I was thinking maybe it was his time . . . . . and aIl of a sudden I started to cry . . . . . . . I am not a crier . . . . . . . never have been , but looking at that sweet boy and thinking maybe this was the end broke my heart . I sat down on the floor next to him and was immediately surrounded by Zeke , Gummie and Lucy . . . . . . they were soooo sweet and I thought maybe I 'd take him over to the vet so I got up and Lucy let out a big bark . It startled me . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AND Brogie . He opened his eyes , stood up and started wagging . He was happy and alert . . . and wanting some attention . Maybe he just decided to take the day off . So , after the last rat story , the numbers have increased substantially . We had to go to extremes to remedy the problem . The rat poison is working . We placed the pellets in the front yard far away from inquisitive canines . They are dropping like flies ( the rats of course ) which is a good thing for health and safety reasons , but why they have to die in our backyard is beyond me . I am not talking about cute little pet rat types . Theses are Tree Rats the size of a small cat with verrrrry long tails and small beady eyes . I am thinking it must be some sort of karmic punishment for taking a life . Consistent with the lack of bravery Cooper , Savannah , and Jackson have shown , little Ollie is the first one in the bushes hunting the fresh kill . At least he has refrained from prancing around with them in his mouth and just sounds the barking alert . Well , last week , I was getting ready for work . I was just finishing up my shower when I heard Ollie frenetically barking in the bedroom . That is not so unusual as he is typically very playful at that time of day and egging Savannah on with some sort of game . So I poked my head out to see why he was escalating . Then I saw Ollie on his haunches with his butt high in the air , nose to the ground . Jackson , Savannah , and Cooper , who never climbs the stairs with his bad hips , were there too just starring under the bed . I took a closer look . . . . mind you it is dark under the bed at 6 : 30 AM . I saw one of their toys and went to pick it up to stop all the commotion . It was wet and slimy . I drew my hand back quickly and took a closer look . IT WAS NOT A TOY ! ! ! ! ! It was a very dead rat . And , I touched it , ewwwe . I let out a blood curdling scream , cause I hate rats . Bruce came running up the stairs thinking the worst . Of course he disposed of the thing immediately chuckling quietly as he excited the room . I failed to see any humor in it all . It has been a week now , and I have not let Ollie lick me on the face even once . I now associate his sloppy puppy kisses with rodent slime . I have been truly trd When I was a little girl I was in love with a real " dreamboat " . . . . . . . Ricky Nelson . He was on a TV show and had a band . Later on he had a song that was semi popular . . . . . . . . GARDEN PARTY . I always liked that song and recently I lived it . A friend invited me to be her escort to a party she was attending . I was hesitant . . . . . . . come on it 's summer . . . . a garden party ? The heat and humidity here are unbearable during the afternoon and there I was at 4pm walking into a garden full of people . It was a sea of pastel linen draped over sweating bodies . . . . . . . ambling around gorgeous foliage that was besieged with butterflies and bumble bees . It was magnificent . . . . . but the sweat was running down my face and pooling in my bra . . . . . miserable ! ! Mercifully , we were guided to a path that led to a huge tent on the other side of the house . It was air conditioned ! ! ! ! They had those portable air conditioners and the inside was beautifully decorated and as cool as my house . I was a happy camper . Our hostess greeted us warmly and my friend told her that I was a dog lover too . . . . . . . and that I was the one who had four dogs . That was it . . . . . I was in . We left her guests to go into her house to meet her dogs . They were tall , thin , angular creatures . . . . . Russian something or others . . . . . . . and she spent more time telling us about the breed than anything about her dogs . It was . . . . . . it was boring . The dogs were well behaved . . . . . . they really didn 't move . . . . . . . . . . . . just stared at us . . . . creepy . For twenty minutes she gave us the 411 about the breed . . . . . . at the ten minute mark I was zoned out . I started looking back at Czar , Czar II , Alexandria , and Romanoff . They were undeniably beautiful dogs . . . . . . . . . . . . . totally well behaved . . . . . . . . . . . . and yet , oddly , I felt sorry for them . As we were walking back to the tent , she asked me what kind of dogs I had and when I told her she said . . . . . . . . . . they 're nice dogs . I think if she had left it at that I would have kept my thoughts to myself . . . . . . . . . . . . . but she immediately followed with . . . . . . . . . . . . . but they 're so needy ! I was almost whispering so she leaned in to hear me say . . . . . . . . . . I think maybe I ' M the needy one . Every day I need to look into those big brown eyes . . . . . . . . . I need to scratch behind those long floppy ears . . . . . . . I need to feel those wagging tails hitting my leg . . . . . . . I need the feeling I get when they come running when I call them . The first house that we built was on a dead end street that was not paved . . . . . . it was on the intracoastal waterway and had not been discovered by tourists yet . It was a great little neighborhood and our neighbors had children just about the same ages . The children freely roamed from one house to the next . . . . . . . somehow they more often than not ended up at our house . It was loud , frenzied , irritating , and . . . . . . . wonderful . Daughter Leslie was the youngest . . . . . . . . . . she will be 27 in a few weeks . Next door neighbor , Jay , celebrated his 30th birthday last month . . . . . . . . . . . . and today , I went to his funeral . . . . . . . . . . . and afterwards we all got on a boat and went out on the sound where his mama gently floated a wreath of magnolia leaves that cradled his ashes . We watched it float . . . . . . . . and then it slowly sank and his ashes scattered across the surface just before the water engulfed them . . . . . and it was done . On the way back we were serenaded by a string quartet . . . . . . . . . . we laughed , we cried , we hugged and we cried some more . We sang some favorite songs and we celebrated while we mourned . When I got home I was emotionally and physically whupped . . . . . yep , I was whupped ! ! ! ! ! ! I opened the door and a flood of cavaliers swooshed by me . I wanted to nap and they wanted to play . . . . . . . guess who won . They were soooo happy to see me . . . how lucky am I to be greeted like that EVERY TIME . I played ball with Gummie and Lucy and rubbed Zeke and Brogie and they were all very happy . . . . . . I wanted to be happy too . . . . . . . . . but I think I 'll have to save that for another day . e In one corner of our back yard we have a feeding station . . . . . . . . . . . . . birds , squirrels , and who knows what else frequent the various feeders daily . I have been watching a cardinal family that has 4 juveniles . They are almost as big as the Mama n Papa but their color is not as bright and their little beaks have not turned orange yet . Mama and Papa are fantastic parents . . . . . they herd them over to one area and bring each one seed after seed . . . . . then they herd them onto the feeders and show them how to pick out the right ones . Lucy meandered over there and I was expecting one of the parents to swoop down on her at any moment . . . . . . they didn 't get a chance . . . . . . . . as Lucy passed by some ferns , Kissie popped out and tapped her butt . I was watching this from the kitchen and within 30 seconds I saw the unique personality of each pet . Lucy jumped into the air , turning at the same time so as to come down facing Kissie . . . . . . . and barking all the while . I know it scared her but she stood her ground and barked and barked some more . Zeke was the first to react . . . . . he dashed back into the house and hid under a chair . ( He stayed under there for 30 minutes . ) Gummie ran as fast as he could and stood by Lucy 's side . I know he was VERY nervous because his tail was in the familiar circular pattern . . . . . . . but nervous or not , he stood beside her . ( He has lived with Kissie since he was 10 weeks old . . . . . . so there was no barking at Kissie from him . ) I 've always said Brogie is the bravest . . . . . . since his sight and hearing are diminished his reaction is slower . . . . . . . . . but it is always bolder . He charged over there barking his faint , little bark and got in between Kissie and Lucy . Kissie stood up and s l o w l y ambled over toward the woods . She has their number . A few hours later , all 5 of them were on the bed , TOGETHER . . . . . . . sound asleep . Living in the moment ! ! ! e Brogie and Zeke don 't play with toys or balls . . . . . . . . . . . . . . it 's not their jam . Gummie , however , loves all things " play " . He has a squirrel and a raccoon that he brings to me regularly and he will fetch them as many times as I am willing to toss ' em . Balls are even better . At first Lucy sat in my lap and watched Gummie scurry about shaking his raccoon . . . . . she was calm and content . . . . . . . . but VERY interested . I got some smaller than usual tennis balls , threw one across the great room knowing Gummie would be all over it , and he was . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but he wasn 't alone . Lucy is agile , quick and enthusiastic . . . ok , maybe a little too enthusiastic . She is a sweet , loving , absolutely adorable little girl and I love her . . . . . . you would think she might be a GENTLE player . . . . . . . . no way . When it comes to playing ball , she is SERIOUS . ( Goes to show you how clueless I am ) . She even growled at Gummie . . . . . . . . . he is sooo mellow . . . he stopped in his tracks and looked at me . It was obvious from then on that I have to throw two balls at the same time if Gum is to ever have a chance at another tennis ball . Double the fun . e Our cat , Kissie , is a hunter . She is mostly an indoor cat but she spends some time each day laying in wait for . . . . . . for whatever comes her way . She doesn 't go out searching for prey . . . . way too lazy for that . . . . . . no she sits and waits and something always appears . I 've decided that in her mind if anything is crazy enough to get close then it is fair game . . . . . birds , lizards , moths , moles , crickets . . . . you know , defenseless little creatures ! ! ! A few days ago she went out before dawn and just before noon I went to the back door as I knew she would be wanting to come inside during the heat of the day . Lucy and Gummie charged out the door headed straight for her . . . . . . . . . . I knew something was up as nobody , I mean NOBODY in this family charges Kissie . Brogie was napping and Zeke stood on the patio barking . Gummie 's tail was at warp speed and he started circling the cat . Lucy got about 3 feet from Kissie , raised a front leg and stood still . . . . . . . . . . . if her tail had been straight out she would have looked like a bird dog on point . I 'm not sure if Kissie had the snake or the snake had Kissie . . . . . . . . it was a standoff , I think . It was a little garden snake and Kissie slapped it repeatedly , when it tried to slither away she grabbed it by the tail and threw it back on the grass , and the snake curled around one of her paws sending her leaping four feet in the air . When she hit the ground the snake was hightailing it to the woods behind our house . Kissie sauntered over to the patio as if nothing had happened and rubbed her face on Zeke . . . . . . . . . . . . they went inside . . . . . . . . . but Lucy and Gummie were still on the scene . They stood side by side looking towards the woods , barking . . . . . . . . . then they sat down and barked . Neither one of them ever took one step in that direction . So I walked over to them . . . . . . . . they stood up and started barking all over again . I just know they were trying to tell me all about it . All the commotion woke Brogie up and he joined us in the back yard . . . . . . . . . then Zeke . . . . . . . . . . . . at that point it occurred to me that Posted by On the very first day Lucy was with us . . . . . we had a moment . . . . . . . . . it 's probably the reason she and Gummie are such good pals . We all went upstairs . . . . . . . . . . except Lucy , who was stuck at the bottom , shaking . I don 't think she had ever seen stairs before and it was too intimidating for her . Daughter , Leslie , picked her up and carried her . . . . . . . . . . . and we all had some lovey dovey time . Thinking she would be ok going back down we all headed to the kitchen . . . . . . noticed Lucy was missing . She was at the top of the stair . . . . . . . . nervous but not shaking . . . . . I tried to talk her through it , but nothing was working . Gummie came bounding up with his exuberant little self . . . . . . . and I guess he knew just what to do . He went up to her and they touched noses . . . . then he went down one step , . . . . . turned back to look at her and waited . . . . . . . . . . . . . she slowly came down one step . He touched her nose again and went down 3 or 4 steps , turned , looked at her and waited . She crept down to him ever so cautiously and then they both started wagging . . . . big time . It was a piece of cake after that . . . . . and these days she is the quickest up and down . Good times . e Lucy is adjusting to life in a home . . . . . . doesn 't sound too hard but think about it . . . . . . she has lived her 3 years in a kennel . Guess what she has had the hardest time with . . . . . . . . . . TV . At first she barked at anything . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . then narrowed it to animals and / or people that moved , but after a few days it mostly went away . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . yesterday there was no barking at all . Sometimes when I go downstairs and know I 'll only be down there a few minutes I close the boys ( and girl ) in my bedroom . . . . mainly so that Brogie won 't make a useless trip . . . . . they all follow me wherever I go . . . . . . . . . and a 12 year old cavalier doesn 't need to make 20 trips a day up and down the stairs . So that 's what I did this afternoon . I was probably down there 15 minutes when I heard Lucy and Gummie raising the roof . I found them at the foot of the bed . . . . . eyes glued to the TV . . . Wimbledon . . . ladies tennis match with Serena Williams and somebody . Both ladies GRUNT when they hit the ball . . . . . . . . both dogs BARK every time the ladies GRUNT . When the ladies went to their chairs between games . . . . . . . . . . the dogs laid back down . . . but as soon as they heard the next grunt they jumped up . . . . . . and got right back into the match . I started to change the channel but decided to let them work this out . . . . . . . and thankfully , it was near the end of the match , because they did NOT give it up . Tennis ? Who knew ! e Sunday morning a big , shiny black truck ( one of those with a big backseat and all the goodies of a luxury car ) pulled into my front yard . At the wheel , Steve Crumley , and in the passenger seat , Holly Crumley . . . . . and although they are an attractive duo . . . . . . . . . . . it was their cargo that made this a truckload of CUTENESS . I have never met any of their three sons . . . . . . . . but at least one of them must be a handsome dude . Three year old Bailey Crumley and two year old Jackson Crumley were in the backseat in their car seats . . . . . . . they were at the end of a very long trip and yet . . . . . . soooo sweet and happy . Jackson has blond hair and a smile that he flashes at will . . . . . . it melts your heart . Bailey has that same blond hair and is a talker . . . . . . . . love it . . . . . . . she showed me her freshly painted finger nails AND toe nails . . . . . . . and said she was ready to go to the beach because she had been in the truck FOREVER . As if that is not enough cuteness . . . . . . . there was another passenger . . . . . . . . who had , in fact , ridden all the way in Holly 's lap . LUCY is a three year old blenheim who just finished nursing her puppies . . . . . . . . . . . she is a daughter of our beloved BROGIE . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and we are her new foster parents . She pushed the cuteness gauge into redline territory . Her coat is blown and she 's hanging pretty low . . . . . . . . . . but when you look at her little face . . . . . . OMG . She even has freckles on her face just like Brogie . I was immediately smitten ( I love that word , my mama used to use it all the time ) . We have had three days with her . . . . . . . . . . . . . so far her favorite is Gummie . Although she is the smallest , I have the feeling she may end up ruling the roost . Only time will tell . . . . . and I plan to enjoy all the time we have with Miss Lucy . e I went out to get the paper early this morning with Gummie leading the way . It was almost dawn but still pretty dark and when I got to the end of the driveway . . . . . . . all of a sudden . . . . . . barking , growling , and all kinds of commotion coming from across the street . Gummie wanted to zip over there but I said no and we started back up the driveway . Out of the dark a white fluff ball darted in front of us , trailing a lead line and barking like we were mass killers trying to attack his home . Gummie 's tail went into propeller mode and I just watched all the fluffiness running circles around us . In no time I heard shuffling footsteps coming up the drive . . . . . . the proverbial " little ole lady " said . . . . I don 't think he 'll hurt you . I said good morning and we had a nice little chitchat . . . . . both dogs sniffed each other and played chase for awhile . She was visiting her grandson who lives down the street and had arrived last night so this was only SPUNKY ' S second walk in the neighborhood and he was a bit nervous , she said . She was such a nice lady and I enjoyed our talk . . . . . . . . . . . it made me think a bit . Her grandson is at least 50 years old so she is probably in her nineties . She told me she walks SPUNKY 3 or 4 times every day and he is her buddy . If I am lucky enough to live into my nineties please let me be ambulatory . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and please let me have a little buddy to walk . e I have a new email friend , " d " , who lives out on the west coast and has four beautiful cavaliers , one of each color . How cool is that ! She sent me a great little story recently that I would like to share . . . . . . . . hope you enjoy it as much as I did . eAn interesting story today . We live in a canyon area surrounded by unpopulated hillsides in the northern part of Los Angeles County . Up until this year there were very few wild furry creatures around . There was , however , a large population of coyotes that roamed the area in packs keeping rodents and the like at bay . We could hear howling at night and often saw them roaming the streets just before dawn . With the ever increasing housing developments sprouting up , those coyotes have completely disappeared . Now we have an invasion of jack rabbits , tree rats , raccoons , and opossums . All four Cavs seem quite brave with their barking and noses to the ground , but once confronted with creatures face to face they run for their lives . Jackson and Cooper bark from the door , Savannah will venture out to the yard gates , but little Ollie ( Holly 's black and tan ) takes off for the far reaches of our yard and flushes out four footed invaders . This morning there was more noise than usual . I was at work , but my husband had to call me and recount the story . Ollie cornered the granddaddy of rats . He had it in his mouth shaking it wildly and was headed for the house when Bruce said " leave it " . Being the well trained pup he is , he dropped it at Bruce 's feet . It didn 't move . Bruce touched it with his foot . Since it didn 't move and thinking it was dead he picked it up by the 3 foot tail . Suddenly it started twitching and jerking all over the place . It was playing dead , we think . Anyway , Ollie was so proud of himself prancing around . Bruce took it to the trash can with all four dogs now trailing in a single line toward the trash cans feeling brave and adventurous now that the invader was corralled . I guess it is still in that trash can . I am afraid to look ! ! The exterminator comes tomorrow to do Posted by When Gummie wants something from me he talks . . . . absolutely talks . . . . . . . . . granted , his language is a series of grunts , groans , and whines ( can whine be a noun ? ) , but he communicates and has trained me well . Now I pretty much know what he wants by the sound he 's making . Brogie takes a different tack . . . . . . he either barks at me or puts his paws on me . . . . . . and I have to guess , but with him it 's usually potty time or lovey dovey time . Doesn 't take a brainiac to figure him out . Zeke is the laid back type . . . . . . he only gets excited about a few things . . . . . . . . . . . . . food , car rides , and chasing things that have a heartbeat . He is a patient little guy and only occasionally needs to get my attention . . . . . . . . . . . he just growls and wags his tail , and that usually means he 's got to go . About a month ago he started a new thing to get my attention and it 's only when I 'm sitting on the patio . He 'll growl and wag and then sit in front of me . . . . . . . and stare at me . After a few minutes he 'll stand up , growl , wag , and stare at me . He has big eyes and he STARES for what seems like a long time . . . then he 'll repeat the sequence . We 're outside so he 's free to go poop or pee . . . . . . . . . . the patio door is open part way so he is free to go inside and if he wants attention he just rubs on my legs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . so it was a mystery to me as to what he wanted . I guess I 'm a little s l o w . . . . . . . . . . . . . but I 've never had a dog stare at me for that long . He was probably thinking he 'd never be able to train me . . . . . but you know what . . . . . . . . I AM TRAINABLE . Come to find out he wanted to go inside . . . . . . . . . . . but he wanted me to go with him ! ! ! He does it every day and even though I don 't always go in when he wants me to , at least I know what he wants . Before you know it I will be under voice command and able to go outside without my leash on . . . . . . just like Gummie . e I love soo many things about the boys and I 'm including a picture of one of them . . . . . . . . I bought three wonderful and expensive doggie beds . . . . . . . . they deserve it . You would think they would love that . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . nope , they would rather be scrunched up and uncomfortable as long as they are together . I mean how can you not love it ! ! ! e Last fall I borrowed a few water lilies . . . . . . . . . . . . OK , I stole a few water lilies from a lagoon here in town . I rationalized my plundering as being helpful to the town because the water lilies were smothering the pond and needed to be thinned out . . . . . . . . . . geez I can put a spin on anything , even larceny . I cut all the foliage off , placed the root balls in fabric baskets , and sunk them to the bottom of my patio pond . . . . . . . . . . . where they quietly enjoyed a winter hiatus . This Spring we had an explosion of lily pads and beautiful , dazzling white water lilies and they have almost smothered the surface of my little pond ! When I first started the pond Zeke got upset about everything I put in there but after a few weeks he got over it . . . . . . . . . . . Gummie and Brogie never cared one way or the other . . . . . . . . . . but when the actual water surface began to shrink Gummie had issues . There is a water bowl for the boys downstairs and one upstairs and Brogie and Zeke use them . . . . . . . . . . . not Gummie . For some unknown reason , he only drinks from the pond . We had a really big pond at our last house and he drank from that one too . I noticed that it was getting hard for him to find a spot to have a drink and the other day it all came to a head . I think what happened is that he put his paw on one of the lily pads to move it out of the way and when he actually stepped on it he lost his balance and fell in . . . . . . . . . . . . it was so funny . I guess he didn 't see it that way because his eyes got big and desperate . . . . . . . . . . . he looked like he had been thrown off a pier . I jumped up and helped him scramble out of the pond . . . . . he shook off and we went on with things . I have started thinning out the lily pads every week or so and Gummie continues to use the pond as a water fountain . I mean , really , what do you expect when you live at the zoo ! ! ! e Zeke and our cat , Kissie , have an unusual dynamic going on . Gummie and Brogie never , ever bother Miss Kissie . . . . . . . they go out of their way to show due respect for the eldest pet , and with good reason . Kissie likes to go outside , come inside , go back outside , come back inside . . . . . . . . . . . . all day long . She seems to always be on the wrong side of the door . Often when she comes in she will scoot through the house to the stairs and zip up to my desk where I keep a bowl full of her dry food . . . . and when she does that , Zeke takes off after her , growling and barking . I think the natural inclination would be to feel sorry for the sweet little pretty kitty . . . . but don 't fall for it . No matter how fast Zeke runs he is never fast enough so when he finally gets upstairs Kissie jumps up on the desk and stares down at him with a look of utter disdain and superiority . . . . . . . . . and he waddles back downstairs knowing he 's lost one more time . If Zeke doesn 't chase her she will wait at the bottom of the stairs until he can 't stand it anymore and off he goes . . . . . . . . . . . . how many times will he fall for it . The outcome of this game is totally dependent on Kissie 's mood . . . . . . . . . . yesterday , Kissie was in a very bad mood ! As soon as Zeke took off after her , Kissie arched her back and warned him to leave her alone . . . . . . . . . . well Zeke tried to stop , I think . . . . . . . but in an instant Kissie slapped him , he yelped so what did she do . . . . . . . she slapped him some more . She got him on the nose once and it started bleeding and he really cried then . He ran over and jumped in my lap and put his head in my armpit which I guess is now his default position . I was sitting at the breakfast table trying to comfort him when Kissie jumped up on the table . Poor little Zeke buried himself under my arm again and Kissie looked down at him as if to say . . . . . . . you are soo easy . She sauntered off , Zeke calmed down and the only one still worried was Gummie . He took turns going over to each of them sniffing and rubbing . I am hoping Zeke 's chase instinct will take a vacation for Posted by I did a dumb thing shortly before we left the party that hurt Zeke and Brogie . . . . . . I have felt bad about it ever since . I decided to go out to the car and tidy up a bit before we headed home . . . . . I was going to get the coffee cups etc out of the car . Gummie went with me as he can go without a leash and I planned to only be there a few minutes . Just as I reached the car I got a call from a client and I really needed to talk with them . We were parked at the far end of the play area and Steve was still in there talking and I had left Zeke and Brogie with him . After I had been on the phone for about 5 minutes I saw Zeke and Brogie at the fence in front of the car . I don 't know how to describe the look on their faces . . . . . . . . . . I think panic might be the best word . . . . and the longer I talked on the phone the sadder it got . . . . . . . . . . panic turned to resignation . I know they 're just dogs but they have feelings and they remember way more than we want to admit . Zeke is 5 years old and I am his 3rd or 4th owner . . . . . . . Brogie lived his first 10 years in a kennel . They 've been with us for almost 2 years now and as much as I love them . . . . . . . they love me more and I think they thought I was leaving them . I mean really leaving them ! Steve went over and put their leashes on to bring them to me and at first they wouldn 't budge . . . . . but being the good boys they are . . . . . . . they finally followed him and when they got out of the fenced area and turned back toward the car . . . Zeke went crazy . . . . . crazy happy . Brogie started barking and they drug Steve to the car . Thank goodness dogs don 't hold grudges . . . . . . . . . . . . . if I had done the same thing to our cat I would have had some serious repercussions to deal with . Instead , I was rewarded . . . . . . with love and affection and JOY . e Last month we took the boys to a doggie party . . . I guess you would call it a play date . There were 22 absolutely wonderful , beautiful Cavalier King Charles spaniels in attendance . . . . . . . . . 15 or 16 females , 6 or 7 males . . . . . . . . . 1 black and tan , 3 rubies , 6 tri - color , and 12 blenheims and a partridge in a pear tree . It was fascinating . And by the way , all the owners were great . . . . . . . . . most of them are as crazy as I am about their dogs . . . . . . . . . . . and they all have cute stories to tell . Initially , I was concerned about how Zeke would handle the situation . . . . . . . I knew Brogie and Gummie would be having a ball because they both love people and dogs . As soon as we went in the gate and took off the leashes the boys were into it . Gummie and Brogie visited all the owners and all the dogs and kept running back to me to check in . Zeke had some visiting to do also . . . . . remember he was a stud dog . . . . . . . . and there were many , many little ladies in attendance . I watched him sniffing around each and every bitch there . . . . . . he would start on one side , then the butt and end up on the other side . . . . . . . . . . it kept him very busy and very happy . There was an Easter egg hunt and Gummie and Brogie walked along with me but weren 't into it so much . Brogie stepped on one and pawed at it so I picked that one up and Gummie sniffed at one and I got that one also . Zeke was too busy to play so we only got two eggs . The last game of the day was called " Who 's Yo Mama ? " All the dogs were herded into the first fenced area with the gate closed . . . . . . . then all the owners walked down to the far end of the play area . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lined up facing the dogs . . . . . . the winner would be the dog that went to his mama first . When they opened the gate I saw Gummie take off . . . . . . . . . . . . the others took off too but they went left and right and all around . Gummie had me in his sights and he ran straight to me and at the last second a precious little blenheim female jumped in front of him but she came to me not her mama who was at the far end so Gummie was the winner and Brogie wPosted by My friends have all come around to the fact that I have " gone to the dogs " . Almost none of them pick on me anymore about having 3 dogs . . . . . . . . they have come a long way . So have I . . . . . . . . for awhile I actually wondered if they were right . . . . maybe I was nuts . Truth is . . . I really didn 't change . . . . . . . . they did . In the last few years several of them have either gotten their first dog or have gotten a second one . My dearest friend who adores the boys and is over here four times a week . . . . . . . . . . . . opted to adopt a kitten about 6 months ago and the two of them are as happy as can be . Once a month we all go out to lunch and every few months one of them seems to have some pictures to show . It used to be all about grandchildren . . . . . . . but nowadays it 's more likely to be a puppy picture with the occasional grandchild thrown in . Most of the grandchildren have been fairly cute but the puppies have been absolutely precious . My favorite was an English bulldog named . . . . . . are you ready . . . . . . PRINCESS . She is mostly white with a brown spot on her butt . . . . . not exactly princess material in the traditional sense . Now I will never have anything other than a cavalier . . . . . . . . . cavaliers are perfect for me . . . . . . . . . . but PRINCESS is perfect for her owner ( who is one of my favorite people ) . . . . . . they both have bodies shaped like a barrel and their idea of exercise is a brisk walk from the house to the garage and they really don 't like to over do that . The boys have met Princess and they really like her . . . . especially Zeke . At one point they were all laying in the driveway and Princess was in the middle and Zeke had his head on her front paw . Evidently he appreciates the fuller figure silhouette . Just goes to show you . . . . . . it 's all in the eye of the beholder . . . . . even a bulldog can be a princess . e Last month I went to my high school reunion . . . . . . . . we 've only had one before and it was 20 years ago and I missed it . This time around I started getting emails from classmates that I hadn 't heard from in years and eventually decided to go . We had activities all weekend and it was a riot . I must say . . . . . . . . . . . on the first night when I walked into the room I thought I was in the wrong spot because . . . . . . . . . . there were a bunch of OLD PEOPLE in there ! ! ! Anyhow it was a great weekend and when I got home Sunday afternoon I was pooped . The boys ran out to the car and helped me get my luggage . . . . . . . . . . . Zeke really wanted to pee on my garment bag but I saved it at the last second . After hugs and kisses and rubbing we plopped down on the bed and I was looking forward to a nap . . . . . . the boys were ok with it but they weren 't going to take any chances about me getting up any time soon . Brogie draped himself over my right leg . . . . . . . . . Gummie was on top of my stomach . . . . . . . . . . . and Zeke was on my pillow with his face on my head . . . . . . . . . funny thing is , we actually slept . It was good to be home . e I 've been having some issues with my back lately . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bending over to do anything is challenging . . . . . . . . . . . . and the number of times a person has to bend over each day is astronomical . I can do it but it has to be in super slow motion . One morning I was trying to put Zeke 's bowl down for breakfast and he was super ready . . . . . . . . . . . but I was super slow so he decided to help ! ! ! You can just imagine the chaos that ensued . . . . as soon as he jumped up his bowl slipped out of my hand and flipped over . . . . . . . . hundreds of petite orbs of crunchy processed dog food hit the kitchen floor and bounced all over the place . . . . . . . . I let out a little yelp because when I straightened up so fast my back bit me pretty hard . . . . . and Gummie and Brogie were beyond confused . Gummie was so worried about me but there was a lot of free food on the floor . . . . . so he took turns grabbing a little food and coming over to comfort me . . . . . . . . . . . he was sooooo conflicted . . . . . . . . but , hey , there was free food so it couldn 't be all that bad , right ? Brogie sat in the middle of the kibble and stared at me and poor little Zeke was mortified . I sat down at the table and he immediately jumped in my lap and put his head in my armpit . When I caught my breath and my back eased up a bit I looked down at Brogie and he was laying down in a sea of kibble and Gummie was eating all around him . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I had to laugh and that made Zeke come out from under my pit . . . . . . . . . so I took some meds and we started over . What a morning ! ! ! e Word on the street is that on April 16th , somewhere between Brunswick , GA and Hilton Head Island , SC there 's going to be a gathering . . . . an assemblage . . . a collection . . . a cavalier concourse if you will . . . . . . . whatever you want to call it . It will be a Crumley Cavalier Celebration and I can 't wait to see all of that cavalier cuteness in one location . I told the boys about it but you know they did what they always do . . . . . . . . . . . . wag and wag some more . They will be excited when we get there but I 'm already looking forward to it . I 've had a busy few weeks and late yesterday afternoon I was sitting on the patio enjoying an " adult " beverage . . . . . . . . . . don 't you just love that term . . . . . . . . . actually it was just a little vodka on the rocks . . . . . . . . . . . anyhow , Zeke jumped on my lap , it caught me by surprise and vodka and ice went flying all over the place . I wasn 't going to be denied so I fixed another glass and started walking out when a bumble bee on steroids swooped down on me and then on Zeke and back on me . . . . . . . . somewhere during the buzzing and dodging my freshly refreshed drink went flying over me and Zeke and the bumble bee too . I looked down on the patio and the bee was awash in ice cubes and vodka . . . . . . he was buzzing like crazy and Gummie was all excited . . . . . . . . . . his tail was circling itself at warp speed . . . . . . . . . . . but it was Brogie who charged the bee . Remember Brogie only has a few teeth so I guess he planned to gum it to death . . . . . . . I got him back and crunched the poor ole bee just so none of us got stung . Sometimes I think I 'm a magnet for strange things and strange occurrences . . . . . . anyhow we all opted to go inside and stay inside . Brogie doesn 't worry too much about his age . . . . . . . he 's an awesome dog and I wish . . . . . . . . . . . I really wish I had known him when he was young but I am thankful to have him now and I am enjoying every day we have with him . e My bathroom in this house is smaller than I am used to and as a result I often put the toilet lid down so that I can sit and put on socks , shoes etc . I walked in there last night and Zeke was sitting on the toilet . . . . . . . . . . . and had a sheepish look on his face . I thought it was so cute and I gave him a little scratch on his back . . . . . . . . . he wagged and jumped down . We settled in and got to sleep soon after but at around 2a . m . Gummie got all agitated and started whining . Being half asleep , I got up and was heading to the stair to take him out but he didn 't follow so I got back in bed . As I was trying to go back to sleep I heard crunch . . . crunch . . . crunch . . . . . . . . . . coming from the bathroom . I sat up and saw Gummie at the bathroom , whining and pacing . So I got up again and peeked in there . . . . . . Zeke , Zeke , Zeke . He was standing on the counter . . . . front paws on one side of the sink , back paws on the other side . . . . . . he was really stretched out . And when he saw me he started crunching as fast as he could ! ! My purse was on the counter and inside I had some cheerios wrapped in clear plastic . ( I remembered running out of little baggies and had to use the dreaded clingy plastic wrap ) . I never put my purse there but there it was and Zeke was not going to miss the chance for a quick snack . Brogie slept through it all but I put Zeke down on the floor and divided the remaining cheerios for him and Gummie . Giving them the cheerios was probably the wrong thing to do . . . . . . . . . . . I 'm not so good with discipline when it comes to the boys . . . . . but the way I figure it , they make me LAUGH even if it is at 2a . m . and that 's worth a few cheerios anytime . e OMG . . . . . . I have been played . . . . . by a dog ! It all started a few weeks ago . . . . . . . . . . . one morning Brogie seemed stiffer than usual and when we got to the steps he hesitated . . . . . . . . . . . I started down and looked back at him and he looked at me with his melt - your - heart little face and I decided to go scoop him up and we all went downstairs . The next morning I went downstairs and heard Brogie barking at the top of the stairs so I went back up and carried him down . He quickly figured out that if he wanted either up or down the stair all he had to do was bark and I 'd give him a free ride . You know , I was a little suspicious because he was still walking well and he often chased the squirrels etc . . . . . . . . . but I thought the stairs were too painful for him . WRONG . I was out of town for a few days and when I called home I asked Steve how he was doing with Brogie and the stairs and wouldn 't you know it . . . . . . . Mr . melt - your - heart had been running up and down the stairs at will for two days . OK maybe he had an injury and needed a little help for awhile . . . . . . and maybe his injury was healed by the time I went on my trip . . . . . . . . . . . . . m a y b e . . . . . . . . . . whatever , that 's how I 'm going to rationalize the whole thing . I have to preserve a little bit of dignity , right ? e Spring has sprung . . . . . . . the Bradford Pear trees are in full bloom and they are everywhere . I always think they look like white hot air balloons , still tethered but eager to fly . Next week all of their blossoms will yield to vibrant green leaves and they 'll look like huge green tootsie pops . Daffodils are still going strong and I 've even seen a few azaleas opening . I am so glad to see some warm weather . The boys and I have been enjoying more time outside and and I 've been noticing something a little different this year . We 're starting to get more pollen in the air and I think Zeke might be allergic to it . . . . . . not bad symptoms just sneezing . . . . . . . . . . but it 's funny because when he sneezes his whole little body does a shake thing that starts at the front and goes all the way to the back and ends with his tail finishing off the sneeze with a cute little wag . It even happens like that when he is sitting down . You can always count on Zeke to put a cute spin on everything . You know my life is not as hectic as it used to be . . . . . . . certainly not as exciting . . . . . . . . maybe not as happy . . . . . . . . maybe it 's a different kind of happiness . Whatever . . . . . . . . . . . . . I am seeing my little world differently these days . . . . . . . . the good , the bad , and the unexplainable . . . . . . . . . . . . and one of the good things is having these kind little creatures in my life . I have the BEST time with these boys . e Ever since September I have been putting on the ole feed bag with real gusto and as a result I can barely zip up my pants . Seriously , the few pants that I can get on are so tight that I really can 't breath . So now I 'm paying the price and it 's back to being " careful " with food and getting back on the treadmill etc . . . . . . . . . . . . GREAT . Last night was my first workout and you can just imagine what I feel like today . The boys took it all in stride until I got on the treadmill . They were all on the bed and when I first started walking their little heads turned from side to side . . . . . . . . . . . . so curious . Each time I changed the speed or incline they all sat up and moved their heads from side to side . . . . they were sooooo cute and it made the time fly . Brogie was the first to give it up , followed shortly by Zeke . . . . . . . . . . . . . but Gummie sat up each time for the entire 45 minutes and we talked each time . Tonight . . . . . . . . . . . . as soon as I started walking all three boys got on the bed , got comfortable , and went to sleep . I walked as fast as I could , I sweated and I huffed and puffed for 45 minutes . . . . . . . . . . . they SNORED . To them , the treadmill is old news now . . . . . . . . . . . . guess I 'm going to have to do this on my own . No fun . e Having a resident comedian is always fun . . . . and occasionally it 's hilarious . Occasionally happened this morning . I slept in because I didn 't have anything until the afternoon . . . . didn 't go downstairs until 7 : 30 . It was so balmy that after I got the boys fed I took my paper and coffee to the patio and we enjoyed a truly beautiful morning . Steve has all sorts of bird feeders and bird baths in the backyard and the birds and squirrels have a buffet that would rival The Bellagio . There is almost always a squirrel or some birds out there and Zeke loves to charge out the door and chase them off . It is one of his favorite things to do and it gets his day off to a good start . . . . . today it was two fat squirrels and he loved it . He speeds out and they run off and he trots back to the patio and sits down . We lounged out there for an hour and I finally took the boys in and was starting up the stairs when Zeke started barking and growling and having a fit to go back out . I went on up the stairs but soon all three were barking and Gummie ran up to my bathroom barking and begging so I trudged back down and looked out and could hardly believe what I was seeing . . . . . . . . a buzzard ! Yes the exact same ugly bird you see eating road kill . . . . . . . . the one that only flies off at the last possible second . . . . . . . often making you slow down or brake because they are so slow to get out of the way . If you have never seen one you would never believe how big and ugly they really are . . . . . . . . . . . . the boys were freaked out . Zeke was almost foaming at the mouth and so I thought I 'd let him out and he could chase the buzzard off and then trot back and we 'd get on with it . . . . . . . . . . . sounds like a plan to me . I got Gummie and Brogie back from the door and cracked the door open just enough for Zeke to catapult himself across the patio and zip right over to the bird . . . . . . . . . . . but the buzzard didn 't get the memo and instead of flying off it spread it 's enormous wings and stood it 's ground . How big do you think that bird must have looked to little Zeke . . . . . . . . . . . he Posted by It has been so cold and wet this winter and , of course , I whine about it . . . . . . . . . . . . exactly the way I whine in the summer about the oppressive heat and humidity . But there was no complaining yesterday . . . . . . . glorious sunshine and 65 degrees . I was out and about all day long . . . . . . . . . . had a gift certificate that I enjoyed using and had a late lunch with friends . . . . good times . When I got home and opened the front door I walked into the middle of a standoff . Our stair goes up to a landing then turns 90 degrees another half flight so you can 't see the top of the stair from the front door . Our cat , Kissie , was perched on the landing and had that classic cheshire cat grin and I could hear the boys at the top of the stair . Gummie was whimpering , Brogie was barking , and Zeke was jumping around and grunting . Now there is no question that I am the leader of the pack but no matter how much those boys wanted to come running down the stairs to greet me they were totally at the mercy of the Queen Bee , Miss Kissie Carson . Even though all four of them often sleep together , Kissie occasionally has the need to show all of us exactly who is in charge and I don 't know what she says to them . . . . . . . . . but they listen . I scolded her and she looked at me like I had lost my mind . . . . . . . . . then she gave me a little meow . I sat down beside her and she rubbed all over me , purred , and rolled on her back . Gummie crept down two steps and waited . . . . . . . . . . . . . he was so nervous that his tail was spinning around like a propeller . . . . . . . . but he inched his way closer and just as he stepped on the landing Kissie slapped him on his leg three quick times , rolled over and rubbed her face on his . The standoff was over . . . . . . . . they all ran down the stairs . . . . . . . . but we all knew who won . e Yesterday Zeke surprised me . . . no , shocked would be the right word . . . . . . . . . as a matter of fact it reminded me of a famous line from an old movie , NETWORK , I think . It went something like . . . . I 'm as mad as hell and I 'm not going to take it anymore ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! We were on a short walk and a man and his dog were coming towards us and all of a sudden Zeke started growling and then barking . Gummie and Brogie were looking around and both got closer to Zeke and started sniffing him . . . . . . I felt like doing the same thing just to make sure we had the real Zeke . After the dog passed Zeke put on the brakes and turned around to keep his eye on the dog . . . . . all the while with a low growl . I couldn 't get him to budge . . . . . . . . so I knelt down and we all loved on him . . . . . . . . . . . . he was so happy . . . . . . . . . and we went on . Zeke may have a new philosophy on things but he 's no fool . . . . . . . . . . . . . he knew that dog was on a leash . . . . . . maybe he even knew it was a very old boy . . . . . . . . . . . or maybe just maybe he thinks he 's tough enough now to take on a CHIHUAHUA . e Our little Brogie has been having some trouble holding it ( me too ) . . . . . he tries to make it down the stairs and out the door but it 's hard . . . . . . . especially first thing in the morning and he 's had some accidents . You remember how touch and go it was right after your children got potty trained so you put a diaper on them at bedtime . . . just in case . . . . well that 's what I do with Brogie . He has a fancy little doggie diaper . . . . . denim with plaid inside and a hole for his fluffy tail . It works like a charm and he is so used to it and so easy about the whole thing that he doesn 't get on the bed until I put on his diaper . Each night he waits beside the bed . . . . . . . wagging . . . . . . and since he 's so good about the whole thing I love on him and he rubs his face all over me and of course that gets the other two off the bed . . . . and we have a big scratch and rub session . . . . . . . . every night . In the morning we all go downstairs together and they wait by the door for me to get the diaper off of Sir Broughan . Well that 's usually what happens . . . . . . . . . . . . . this morning we got up really early and I must have had a moment because I opened the door and off they went . I started the coffee and turned on the TV , sat down at the breakfast table , looked out on the patio and there he was . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . his stiff little legs were spread out and he was barking his little tiny bark and I knew what I had done ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Have you seen that commercial that 's running these days for Huggies or one of the diaper companies that says . . . . . . what happens in a diaper should stay in the diaper . . . . . . . . . . . . and they are having a contest to see which baby dumps the biggest load in his diaper . . . . . . . . I 'll put Brogie up against any of them . He was wet . . . . he was poopie . . . . but he was still wagging and he never got upset . I got him all cleaned up and apologized the whole time but he didn 't care . . . . . . . he loves me no matter what and as far as he was concerned it was over . I felt terrible but he just wanted me to get it all off so he could have some breakfast . . . . . . . . . . . . . so I coPosted by After our little episode with the pit bull both Brogie and Gummie carried on with life as normal but Zeke , well you know . Could not coax him out the front door much less down the driveway . . . . the fenced back yard was ok but that was all . After a few days of that I decided I had to do something . . . . . . . tried several things including liver treats ( which always worked before ) but what worked this time was the car . Zeke 's favorite thing is to go for a ride and when I opened the car door he could not resist . . . . . . . . . we rode over to a park that is close . . . . . . . . . . . . got out and went for a great walk . It was in the middle of the day and we were alone . . . . . . . . . . . it took 4 or 5 trips for him to really relax but I think it 's going well . He will now walk in the neighborhood and yesterday we ventured out on the same path where we had all the trouble . . . . . . . this time we went the other way . e Well here we are 2011 . . . . . . . . . I didn 't make any resolutions , never do , because if I had I would have already broken it . Steve hasn 't been able to walk with us for several months and so I take all three dogs by myself which requires a little coordination . . . . . . I put Brogie on a tension lead that extends 15 feet and keep the other two on short leather leads . It works well as I put Brogie 's lead in my pocket and he follows just behind us . I 've had people ask if I was a dog walker etc . but today I was talking to a lady that I 've never seen before and she asked me if I was a HOARDER . I still don 't know how I feel about it . . . . . . . . . . . . . I think I 'll just chalk that one up as a weird encounter . . . . . . . . anyhow , that happened early on and little did we know what was around the corner . It is a little over a mile from our house to the entrance of our little neighborhood and just as we made the turn onto the bikepath we saw a lady and her dog way ahead waiting by the road , I think she was waiting for the school bus , and as we got closer I noticed that her dog was not on a leash . . . . . . . . . . it was a fairly large dog but I really didn 't think too much about it as we have never had any real problems . As we got close I heard her telling the dog to sit and she took hold of his collar . . . . . . . . . . . . we walked on with no problem but I cringed a bit when I realized it was a pit bull . . . . . . . . . . kept walking and thought all was good . . . . . . about 3 minutes later I heard her screaming at the dog and I knew what happened . . . . . . . . and I knew what was about to happen . . . . . . . . . . . . as she was screaming I turned around and got all the dogs behind me and I got myself as big as I could and I started screaming at him to stay . . . . . . he was coming at us so fast but . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . at the same time it was like a movie in super slow motion . . . . . . . . . . I was so scared but I knew he was hell bent on getting us and there is no way I 'll just be a victim without a fight . I have no idea what made him stop except I screamed soooooo loud and had my hands in front of him . . . . . . . . . . . Posted by It 's New Year 's Eve and we just got home from an oyster roast and I 'm already hearing random fireworks . . . . . . . . . . . . . Zeke hates it . . . . . . . . and is in my lap right now . Glad we didn 't stay long because here in an hour or so he 'll really need some comforting . Right after Christmas we went to visit one of Steve 's brothers and they had a 13 week old basset hound . . . . . . . . . . . . so cute . He loved all the boys but his most favorite was Brogie . He curled up next to Brogie and the two of them slept most of the afternoon . They have a Great Dane named Barkley and his favorite was Montgomery . . . . . . . . . they played all afternoon . . . . . . . . chasing tennis balls and soccer balls . Their other dog is a Boston Terrier , female named Jessie . . . . . . . . . . . and her favorite , of course , was the handsome boy , Zeke . They walked around together and sat by the fire together and tried to beg for treats together . We had a great time watching them . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . when did my life start revolving around the antics of the dogs ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? e Brogie and Gummie spent the day napping but Zeke and I were very busy . . . . . . . . . we had some baking to do and it took us all afternoon . When I first started puttering about in the kitchen all of the boys were asleep on their pads and not in the least interested in what I was doing . . . . . . . it didn 't take long before Zeke knew what was going on . I think it 's the smell of butter that gets him interested . . . . . . . . . whatever it is , he watched my every move for hours . He is the most patient of the three and never gives up . I love it . . . . . . and now I talk to him and ask him his opinion about how I 'm doing things and if it looks done or does it need a few more minutes etc . and he looks back at me with those huge brown eyes . . . . . . there is so much hope in his eyes and with good reason . He likes everything I bake . . . . . . . even fruit cake cookies ! ! ! ! I have never had a dog that liked to help out in the kitchen and I 'm lovin ' it . Zeke is going to be very happy tomorrow because I 'm baking some peanut butter chewies for Brandon . . . . . and Zeke loves LOVES peanut butter . I hope everyone has a great Christmas and I hope you have some yummy baked goods and hugs and kisses from those you love . . . . . and I hope you all have at least one furry little friend to help you enjoy it all even more . e You should see our little neighborhood . . . . . . . . all decked out for the holidays . . . . . . . . . come to think of it the entire cul de sac is probably visible from space at night . Well , maybe not , but there are lights everywhere and I 've been taking the boys for a stroll just before 8 each night and there is no need for a flashlight . The Christmas decorations don 't bother the dogs the way the Halloween stuff did . As a matter of fact , they seem to really like it . One neighbor has a group of three really large snowmen very close to the street . . . . . . . almost in the street . . . . . . . . . . . they are brightly lit at night and Zeke can 't wait to pee on them every time . I saw these folks out in the yard and confessed Zeke 's obsession and they laughed and said every dog from the area has had a field day with those snowmen ! ! ! Gummie and Brogie are more fond of a house on down the street that has a long hedge next to the street and has a zillion white lights next to a lamp post tightly wrapped with a million green lights . . . . . . . . . . . . Brogie pees on the lamp post , Gummie next to the hedge and Zeke takes aim again on the post . And so it goes each night . . . . by the time we get home they are as dry as a bone . I have a winding driveway and some oak trees and have draped red and green lights from the trees across the drive over to the oaks on the other side and it is really cool . Lots of people have driven up under the lights and asked to take pictures of their car . . . . . . . . . . it 's been fun . You can 't see our house from the street but everyone can see the explosion of red and green and it makes you smile . I definitely fit in this new neighborhood . . . . . . we are all a little over the edge . e Here we go again . . . . . . grocery shopping , cooking , running back to the store , cooking , baking , one last minute trip for ice or something and of course EATING . I love Thanksgiving . We only have a few people coming this year but I plan to cook as if a crowd was coming and we 'll have leftovers the rest of the week . Brogie has 5 teeth and all of his food has to be soft or I have to cut it up into small pieces and that 's what I do . He really loves chicken and turkey so I 'll be doing a lot of chopping this week . Because of his lack of teeth he has some trouble managing his tongue and it 's kinda funny . For instance , when he yawns , and he yawns often , his tongue falls out of his mouth and sort of flaps around . . . . . . it 's really funny looking but he gathers it up and goes on . After he eats he tries to lick his lips and that tongue goes out to the side and he keeps after it until it 's back in his mouth . Well today I baked a pecan pie and after I put it in the oven I scraped the bowl and gave Gummie and Zeke a lick . . . . Brogie must have been anticipating his turn because when I turned to let him lick his tongue was already hanging out to the side . . . . . . . . . . . . . not to worry he still got a taste and did some smacking and was well satisfied . . . . . . . . . . . . it 's so funny too watch . He is precious in his old age . Happy Thanksgiving from the Carson Pack . e I hope everyone had a fun Halloween . . . . . we did . . . . even Zeke ! We had lawn chairs set up at the end of the driveway as did most of the neighbors and we handed out every kind of mini chocolate bar known to man . The boys sat beside us and greeted every little trick or treater and in reality got more attention than the children . Some folks had dressed their dogs in costumes but we opted for bandannas . . . . . . . . . . . . . that 's about as far as I 'm willing to go with that . Zeke is pretty much afraid of . . . . . . pretty much anything big or loud or new or unusual or . . . . . well you get the idea . But you know what , he did great on Halloween . He sat on my lap for the first 30 minutes or so and then he sat under my chair for a little while but then he was wagging and greeting and getting all kinds of attention and he really got into it . All of our neighbors had these glow in the dark sticks and they gave us a few and when we ran out of candy we packed up and went inside and I forgot about the glow sticks . Evidently , I put the glow sticks in my jacket pocket when we started to come in and at some point in the middle of the night they fell out of the pocket on the floor next to the bed . I woke up to see Zeke and Gummie tag teaming an all out assault on the glow sticks . It was hilarious . Growling , barking , and charging . . . . . . . . . Brogie slept through the whole thing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . too much trick or treating for him . I don 't know if Zeke was afraid of the glow sticks but I know he was serious about defending his home from those scary aliens . . . . . . . . you gotta love that ! ! ! ! e Turns out our new neighborhood is way more fun than I thought . We moved here at the first of July and for awhile I didn 't see anyone out and about . . . . . . . . . . . . . now that I think about it , I guess it was just too friggin ' hot to be outside . But with Halloween around the corner you should see all the decorations . . . . . . . . . . lots of pumpkins of course but also some really cool , really large as in huge blow ups on the sides and roofs . One house has a spider theme and the house next door has a 25 foot Spiderman on the roof crawling over towards the spiders . The first time we saw the spiders Zeke almost had a stroke . . . . . . . . one was hanging in a tree near the street . . . . . . . . . it 's about the size of an umbrella . . . . . . . . . . . . and Zeke spotted it as soon as we got to the end of our driveway . . . . . . . . . . . . he got behind me and peeked around me at the spider . Gummie and Brogie were excited but not afraid . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . they trotted over and said hello to the neighbors and the spiders and we went on our way . Turned the corner and the first house on that street had ghosts everywhere . . . . . . . . . . all sizes . . . . . . . . . . . hanging from anything and everything , fluttering in the breeze . I thought it was fabulous but the boys barely noticed it because right across the street was a 10foot black witch stirring her cauldron . I guess it 's motion activated because as soon as we approached she threw her head back and let out a maniacal laugh . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . all three boys stopped immediately , put their noses on the ground , and crept closer and closer . . . . . . well , two of them crept . . . . . . you know who parked himself behind me again . Neighbors tell me this is a very active place to be on Halloween night . . . . . . . . . . . Gummie and Brogie are going to love it but I 'm not so sure about Zeke . e One year ago yesterday Steve , Gummie , and I piled into the car long before dawn and traveled to Lula , GA . It 's a long haul but it was a happy day because that was the day we scooped up Brogie and Zeke and became the Carson Pack . Just a few months before that Holly had saved Brogie 's life . His owner was planning to put him down . . . . . . . . . . . for no other reason except that he was old and no longer useful to her . Of course , Holly would have none of that and Brogie went to Lula . As soon as we saw him we wanted him . . . . . . . . . . . . Holly agreed but we had to wait a few months and during that time Brogie and Zeke became BFF 's . Brogie got into Holly 's heart and she couldn 't split them up . . . . . . . . . . . . so we got BOTH of them . We have had a GREAT year ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Thank you , Holly , first for saving Brogie and second for letting us be part of it all . e We were invited to an early in the season oyster roast this weekend and even though the oysters will be better in 4 or 5 weeks I couldn 't wait to taste some salty , local goodness . Our host asked me to make his favorite cookie that I bake for him occasionally . . . . . . . . . . . so I got the ingredients out of the pantry and put the butter out on the counter to soften . I think Zeke was born with some sort of special smell sensors that focus on things like butter , sugar and eggs . . . . . . . . . . . because if any of those ingredients are on my counter you will find him close . The cookie is a variation on the old fashioned snickerdoodle . . . . . . . . . the dough is rolled out and you add all the toppings then roll up like a jellyroll , refrigerate and slice and bake . . . . . . . pretty simple . Zeke started drooling early on and got closer and closer . . . . . . . . . the other two were sleeping together in one of the dog beds in the breakfast room . They could see us but weren 't interested . Whenever I bake cookies I give each dog a small cookie as soon as they cool . . . . . . . . it didn 't work out quite that way this time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . as I was putting the finished roll into a pan to refrigerate a chunk fell out of my hands onto the edge of the counter and then plopped onto the floor . From Zeke 's vantage it must have seemed like the heavens had opened up and delivered a gift from the big man himself . . . . . . . . . . . . . . he got over that dough in a bulldog stance and scarfed up at least two inches of raw egg , sugar , cinnamon , buttery dough and crushed pecans in seconds . Gummie and Brogie hustled over but it was too late . They both looked at me with that wonderful cavalier look of love and hope . Zeke , on the other hand , for a brief moment was a Cheshire cat . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and he looked at them and at me as if to say . . . . . . . . I WIN ! ! ! ! I took Gummie and Brogie outside and gave them a treat and that made them happy too . . . . . . . . . . but the real winner here is me ! ! ! e Zeke has ear mites and I have some drops that I put in his ears each morning and again in the evening . Anytime I need to give one of the boys some kind of pill or drops I always finish with a little treat . . . . . . . . . . . they LOVE those tiny liver treats . So yesterday when I put the first drops in Zeke 's ears the other two ran to the pantry and waited . Zeke shook his head a few times and zipped over to take his place in line at the pantry door . The phone rang and I had to run upstairs to the office to talk with a client . 45 minutes later I went down to the kitchen for a cool drink and there they were . . . . . . . . . . still in line . . . . . . . . . . . . . . waiting patiently by the pantry door . As soon as they saw me they stood up in unison and started wagging . . . . . . . . they certainly know how to handle me . . . . . . . . and I 'm not telling how many treats they got ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Good times . e A friend asked me to take care of her one year old cocker spaniel one day last week and I was glad to do it as I had no big plans for the day . . . . . . . . what 's one more little spaniel , right ? These friends are avid golfers and their dog is named Divot . . . . . . . . . he is handsome . . . . . . . . . he is sweet natured . . . . . . . and he is a happy boy . He arrived very early in the morning and my boys were still asleep and he was half asleep as well . They all greeted each other with the usual butt smelling etc . . . . . . . . no problems . I started a load of laundry and went back upstairs to get dressed . All of a sudden I heard serious growling and dogs were running around . . . . . . . . . I ran back down and found Divot trying to mount Montgomery and he was having none of that . Turns out Divot is sexually confused . . . . . . . . . he is neutered and has been since he was four months old . Somehow Divot didn 't get the memo . It scared Zeke and he hid under the bed but when Divot tried to mount Brogie he was in for a surprise . . . . . . . . . . . . that ole boy came out with a growl that I 've never heard before and Gummie actually charged Divot . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . my precious Gummie and Brogie had Divot down on the floor . . . . . . . I couldn 't believe what I was seeing . In a way I was glad to see that they could stand up for themselves . That should have been the end of it but Divot has another problem . . . . . . . . . . . . he is as dumb as a doorknob . . . . . . . . . . . and wouldn 't give it up . I finally put him in a bedroom and closed the door . I tried to let him out several times during the day but each time it ended when he went after one of the boys . When his mama picked him up and they went out the door all three of the boys came running over to me jumping up and wagging . . . . . . . . . . . . they were so glad to see him go . I was too . e Yesterday was my birthday . . . . . . . . . . . . . it was a beautiful , clear day and I had family and friends wishing me the best . It was topped off with a yummy meal that I didn 't have to prepare and a fabulous birthday cake with raspberry filling and white icing . . . . . . . . . . four layers , intricate decoration and more candles than you can imagine . We ate . . . . . . . . . . . we drank . . . . . . . . . . . . . and we laughed until it hurt . You can 't ask for more . After all was said and done and the goodbye hugs and kisses were over , we sprawled out over the sofa and began the over stuffed routine of vowing never to eat so much again . The boys loved having company and all three got plenty of attention . . . . . . . . . . . who can deny three cute cavaliers ? Gummie and Brogie were helping us relax , both were gently snoring . Zeke has the booming snore and it was absent . He is always near so I knew something was up . I found him standing in a dining room chair with his front paws on the table . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . his tail was wagging and his face was covered with white icing and his nose was glistening with red raspberry filling . He pulled back off the table and sat in the chair licking his face over and over and over . I think most dogs would scurry off knowing they were busted and in big trouble . . . . . but not Zeke . He looked at me and kept licking his face until he had all the evidence off except some stuck under his chin so he rubbed his chin on the table and proceeded to lick the table clean . By this time Gummie and Brogie had joined us . . . . . . . . . . . . . being the strict disciplinarian that I am , I cut the affected section of cake off and divided it onto three small paper plates that were decorated with birthday balloons . . . . . . . . . . . . . put them on the floor and all three boys had cake . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I could not have had a better birthday ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! e Since we moved back to the Island my best friend lives a couple miles from us and comes by often . . . . . . . . . . . . . it 's like the old days . . . . . almost . Anyway , she likes dogs but has told me that I 'm nuts for having three . The boys have done their magic on her and now she spends the first 10 minutes loving and talking to them . . . . . . . . . . . eventually she acknowledges my presence but I 'm beginning to think her frequent visits have very little to do with me . Last week she was over here four times . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I was cooking supper one evening . . . . . . . . it was later than usual and I realized I was in the kitchen alone . . . . . . . . . . . . . VERY unusual . I walked into the great room to tell them supper was ready and found all of them . . . . . . asleep . One human and one dog in the recliner . . . . . . . . . . . . . . one human and two dogs on the sofa . . . . . . . . . . . . snoring , big time . Nap time with friends ( furry or not ) . . . . . . . . doesn 't get much better than that . Brogie is almost 11 and , like most of us senior citizens , he has his good days and his less than perfect days . Gummie and Zeke are happy and alert every day but once in awhile Brogie gets caught in a senior moment and can 't get out . This morning he got up at 4am and paced in front of the door until I drug my senior self out of bed and down the stairs . . . . . . . . . . . . thought he would just go out and do his business so I sat on the patio and waited . . . . . . . . . . . . and waited . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and waited some more . Brogie is almost deaf so calling him is pretty much useless . . . . . . . . . . . you have to almost scream and since it was 4 : 30am I decided to grab a flashlight and take a stroll . . . . . . . . . . . . . couldn 't find him so I went back upstairs and woke Gummie up . The only thing I could think was that somehow he had gotten out of the fenced in backyard so Gummie and I went looking in the cul de sac and down the street and all we found was a BIG tabby cat who scared the death out of both of us . Every morning I feed the boys right after they go out and take care of business . . . . . . . they come in and sit in the kitchen and wait . . . . . . . . . . no matter how long it takes , they sit and wait . When Gummie and I got back home we walked into the kitchen and there he was . . . . . . . . . . . . . sitting and waiting . Don 't know when he came back in or where he had been but he was sitting and waiting so I knew he took care of all his business . I hugged him and told him it was way too early and Gummie and I went back to bed . . . . . . . . . . . . . but Brogie didn 't follow us . Two hours later I went down stairs to get a cup of coffee and there he was . . . . laying down in the kitchen . . . . . . . . waiting . I think he was stuck in a little time warp and his little senior mind told him that if he waited long enough things would get back into sync . . . . . . . . . . . . . or maybe he was just too tired to go back upstairs . . . who knows . Anyhow I fed him and he got back into the swing of things after that . He is too cute and I love , love , love him . . . . . . . I hope he lives long enough to break the cavalier record for old aPosted by A few weeks ago I dug a hole next to the patio and eventually ended up with a cool little pond complete with plants and fish . It turned out great and I was well pleased with the whole thing . Montgomery and Brogie liked it but Zeke REALLY liked it . He sat on the patio and watched every move that I made . . . . . . . . . . . . it took me three afternoons and Zeke was there every minute . When I started putting the water in he seemed to get a little anxious but that passed and we all enjoyed the little pond and loved the sound of the water . All was well for a few days and then I started putting water plants in and around the pond and of course . . . . . . . . . . some koi and a few fancy goldfish . Zeke was mildly curious about the fish . . . . . . . . . . . . . but the plants were what he got excited about . His first order of business was to attempt to pee on each and every one . It was a little tricky hiking a leg up on the edge of the pond and aiming out . . . . . . . . . . . . . thought he was going to fall in on two attempts but he kept it together until the job was done . Having marked HIS pond and plants he laid down on the patio to relax . . . . . . . . . . . . . and then he spotted it . . . . . . . . . . . . . . a floating plant that was slowly meandering in his pond . It must have looked menacing to him with it 's long stems and random movements because he jumped up and started growling . . . . . . . . . . . . yes , Mr . Scared of His Own Shadow Zeke , was growling . Montgomery ran to his side and started barking and that got Brogie on the scene as well . Brogie helped with the barking but neither one of them could figure out what they were all excited about . . . . . . . . . . . . so they went back inside leaving Zeke to defend the pond alone . And defend it he did . . . . . . . . . . . . . he jumped up and down , he growled , he went all around the edge and barked and he kept looking at me . So I took the plant out and put it on the patio . . . . . . . . . . . Zeke backed up as fast as he could , I like to call it moonwalking but in this case it would be moontrotting , and he growled some more . I knew he had to work this out for himself so I just watcPosted by |
The title of this post may seem an odd choice in light of recent earthquakes and tsunamis , but the tender side of Mother Nature has blessed me all week long as I 've begun to heal from the loss of my beloved Kadi . I 've been warmed by the sun , kissed by gentle breezes , and lulled into peacefulness by the splendid songs of birds . In the face of so much life , I 'm compelled to notice it and be thankful for it . Spring is a short season in South Louisiana . The time between cold winter temperatures and blazing hot summers is measured in weeks , not months , and I 'm determined to enjoy these rare , perfect days while they last . I bought a cap with a bill on it to shield my eyes from the bright morning light , and I put it on and sit outside while Butch and Levi roam the yard and pace the fence line , making sure nothing has changed since the night before . I can hear traffic sounds in the distance , but the beauty of the birds ' songs overpowers the noise and captures my attention . One bird calls over and over for " Ricky , Ricky , Ricky , " and another calls , " Hear me ! Hear me ! " They flit through the air , darting in and out of trees , and their hustle - bustle energizes me . Late at night I stand outside with the dogs for the last time of the day and listen to the cooing of a lone dove and the hoot of an owl . The dove 's call is a sound I remember from childhood , from late summer evenings spent playing outside with my sister and friends from the neighborhood until darkness descended and our parents called us back inside for baths and bedtime . All these years later I still associate it with bedtime . The dogs return to the back door without being called and we come inside . While I give Levi a treat and put him in his crate , Butch makes his way to the bedroom , where he waits in the doorway until I get there with his biscuit . In a few short minutes both dogs are settled down and ready to sleep . I climb into bed , pull up the covers , turn out the lamp , and lie there in the darkness just thinking for a moment . I think about the fact that another day has passed , a beautiful day . I take stock of my emotions at that moment and find mostly love and gratitude . I roll over , pull Kadi 's collar out from under my pillow and hold it in my hand , close to my heart , as I drift off to a peaceful sleep . This post was hard for me to write and may be hard for you to read , not just because of the subject . It 's long , it 's somewhat graphic , and if you 're one of the first to read it , it may be full of typos . I picked out the images earlier today , but I 've written the text " stream - of - consciousness " style , and it went so far in a direction I didn 't intend it to go that I had to change the original title . I can 't make myself go back over it right now to check for errors , but I promise to edit it properly tomorrow . The point of this first paragraph is to let you know that I 'll understand if you don 't want to read all this , but please , please scroll through it and look at the pictures of my best girl , Kadi . She was so very beautiful , inside and out . Calendar note on August 22 , 1997 : " Troy gave Kelli a 10 - wk - old yellow lab . " That 's right . Kadi was not my dog in the beginning . Kelli and I had bought this property together earlier that year . She and her kids lived in the house in front of the carport , and I lived in the one behind it , where I still live today . We had talked about getting a dog , but the fence needed work first . When the fence was finished around the backyard Kelli and I shared , Kelli wanted Kadi to be an outside dog . Kadi had other ideas . As soon as Kelli let her out in the morning , Kadi headed to my back door . As hard as I resisted it , I usually caved in and let her spend most of the day in my house . She wanted to be there , and I loved having her . I missed her when she went home in the afternoon . In 1998 Kelli called from work and asked how I 'd feel about her bringing another dog home . A friend of hers had found a plump , young puppy ( too young to have been away from his mother ) that had probably been dumped near her home . Calendar note on April 30 , 1998 : " Janice M . gave Kelli a new puppy - - 6 wks old male - - we named him Jack . Kadi is so excited , thinks it 's her dog . " Three days later Jack 's name was changed to Butch , who , as you now know , also wasn 't my dog in the beginning . But he was Kadi 's . ( After Butch , Kadi showed the ropes to Kim 's dogs , Frankie , Winston , Lucy , and Oliver . She was working hard on Levi . ) By the time Kelli and Troy married in 2000 and were getting ready to move into the new home they 'd built to accommodate their combined five children , I think Kelli knew how attached I 'd become to Kadi and Butch . Or maybe she didn 't like the idea of leaving me alone . Or possibly she was just tired of trying to convince me not to let her dogs spend so much time in my house . Whatever the reason , she told me she was giving them to me . That made me feel guilty about all the times I 'd sneaked them inside , but I decided I could live with the guilt and accepted her offer gratefully . That 's how Kadi and Butch became my dogs . Inside dogs . There are stories about Kadi all through this blog , so I won 't repeat them here . I 'll just add that Kadi became more special to me with each passing year . Some people think of their dogs as children , which is sort of the way I 've always thought about Butch , but when Kadi grew out of puppyhood , she no longer seemed like a child to me . Kadi was a grown - up through and through , with her own set of standards for behavior - - hers and everybody else 's - - and the facial expressions to tell you what she thought about anything that was happening at a given moment . She was more than a wonderful friend to me . If she could have talked in words ( she did talk with her eyes ) , she probably would have told you that she and I were partners in the running of the house . She behaved like a loyal administrative assistant , alerting me to anything she had identified as a problem , then fully expecting me to take care of the matter post haste . Kadi had a heart of gold . She loved her people , her canine friends , and life itself . The Sister - Mary - Katherine part of her might let us know if we 'd somehow fallen short of her expectations , but she didn 't hold a grudge . More than once she would head - butt a naughty puppy , then turn right around and look us in the eyes and smile , as if to let us know she wasn 't really angry , she was just doing her job . In September of 2009 I took Kadi to the vet for her annual physical exam and shots . She was given a clean bill of health . She weighed a hair under 62 pounds . In January of 2010 I took her back to the vet . She had begun to have trouble with her back legs slipping out from under her , and she was falling a lot . She also seemed to be choking on her food once or twice a day . The vet examined her thoroughly . He pressed on her backbone just above her tail , and her hind legs crumpled . He said he believed that her leg problem was caused by a degenerative condition of her spine . His recommendation was to give her Rimadyl ( an NSAID pain reliever ) and see if that might help , though he acknowledged that it might not . As for the choking , he said sometimes a dog 's trachea will flatten out with age and that I should begin moistening Kadi 's kibble and / or giving her soft food . That January checkup also turned up something I hadn 't noticed : Kadi had lost almost eight pounds in four months . The softer food stopped the choking problem almost immediately . The Rimadyl ( 50 mg daily ) didn 't seem to make much of a difference in Kadi 's mobility , so I stopped it after a few weeks . The falling got quite a bit better because Kadi gradually began to walk with her hind legs stiffened into an upside - down V - shape , which gave her a more solid footing . When she had trouble getting up from a lying - down position , she 'd scoot to the nearest rug or carpet to get some traction . In August of 2010 it was time to renew her prescription for thyroid medication , and she needed to have her thyroid levels checked to see if that prescription was still appropriate . Back we went to the vet . She got the full senior dog exam , which included a number of blood tests that later proved to be in normal ranges ( except for the thyroid , which hadn 't changed ) . The alarming news was that she had lost another six pounds . The vet told me that day that he believed Kadi 's weight loss was " her body 's way of preparing for the end of her life . " She had turned 13 two months earlier . The vet said ( I 'm paraphrasing here ) , " Dogs ' bodies , like people 's , lose mass as they get older . That 's why you never see really fat people in nursing homes ; most of the patients are small and thin . " That day was the first time I 'd had to face the fact that there was a limit to the time I had left to spend with Kadi . We rocked along for the next five months without any new problems . I had started spoon feeding Kadi and Butch , bite for bite , after Kadi 's last visit to the vet , just to make sure she was eating an adequate amount . She continued to lose weight on the same amount of food that made Butch gain a few pounds , but she didn 't seem to feel sick or to be in a lot of pain . Her skin was beginning to hang on her bony frame , and her fur looked like moths had been in it . I think now that her sweet nature and her joy and interest in life masked her discomfort , but maybe I was just in denial . In December of 2010 Butch developed another in his lifelong series of ear infections , and I took him to a new vet - - at least new to this area . She and another veterinarian had relocated to this area after Hurricane Katrina forced them out of New Orleans , and in the early fall of 2010 they opened a brand new animal hospital about five minutes from my home . In addition to his ears , Butch seemed to have been experiencing some pain from the fissures on his behind and the arthritis in his knees . I told the vet that I 'd been giving Butch Kadi 's leftover 50 mg Rimadyl tablets for the last week to try to alleviate some of his pain but that it didn 't seem to be helping . In that context , I told her about Kadi 's back and leg problems , and she told me she thought both dogs might benefit from a stronger dose of Rimadyl . I took some 100 mg Rimadyl home and started them on it . Butch and Kadi both seemed to feel better on the larger dose of Rimadyl . Kadi seemed more confident and sure - footed , and I was encouraged . A month later , in the last week of January 2011 , Kadi got sick with a case of diarrhea so severe that it weakened her in every way possible . She weighed only 42 pounds when the new vet checked her out , but despite her thinness , we still had to withhold all food for 24 hours . In the meantime I was to give her medication to slow down the diarrhea , and after that 24 - hour - period I could begin giving her very small amounts of chicken and rice at regular intervals . The diarrhea lasted six days , and poor Kadi lay on the cold floor ( her choice ) like a thick shag rug for most of that time . When she finally felt better , the spark returned to her eyes . Her disposition told me she was my sweet , happy girl again , but her body sagged , and I could see that she was worse for the wear . In the first week of March 2011 , Kadi was back at the vet again . The diarrhea had returned . This time we saw the other new vet , who stated that diarrhea was a possible side effect of Rimadyl and said to stop giving her that immediately . We would wait a week or so and start her on prednisone , a steroid , to address her wobbly leg issues . He warned , sympathetically , " When the prednisone stops working , I 'm afraid that 's it . " The vet noted that Kadi had dropped another two pounds in just over a month . When I explained her history of weight loss over the past year , he said his best guess would be that she had some type of gastrointestinal cancer . It might show up on an ultrasound test , but it might not . I declined the test because I didn 't think a firm diagnosis would give us a different outcome . Kadi was three months shy of her 14th birthday . Chemotherapy couldn 't possibly extend her life by more than a few short months , and I wouldn 't put her through that kind of trauma for such a limited amount of time . The vet put Kadi on a diet of a special gastroenteric food and said to give her Pepcid AC twice a day to ease her stomach pain . I remember telling the vet on that visit , " Kadi still has some good days . " Near the end of the visit , he told me , " I want you to do something . " He suggested that I go home and find two jars , label one jar " good days " and the other one " bad days " and put a penny in one or the other each night at bedtime . " When the ' bad - day ' jar starts filling up a lot faster than the ' good - day ' jar , you 'll know it 's time . " I didn 't make those jars . When I thought about it , I realized that I 'd exaggerated when I said Kadi still had good days . She didn 't have any good days ; she just had occasional really good moments . Kadi 's second bout of diarrhea lasted about as long as the first one had , and the prednisone never really seemed to kick in to help her legs . She began falling more frequently and often needed human assistance to stand up . We had to pick up her back end , wait while she got her front feet positioned properly , then slowly lower her back feet to the floor and physically place each one in a position that would grant her stability . Once she got her bearings , she could hobble around the house or out into the yard , though her trips were shorter and much less frequent than usual . I don 't think she looks ill in that photo , but another one , taken moments later , presents a truer picture of her condition . I think seeing this might help you understand why I couldn 't write about this in any detail while it was happening . My sweet girl was wasting away right in front of my eyes , and it was breaking my heart . In the middle of the night after these pictures were taken , Kadi got sick again . More diarrhea . I treated her all day Saturday and Sunday the same way I had done the other two times , the same medicine and the same small feedings . I knew if she wasn 't better by Monday we 'd go back to the vet for help . The diarrhea didn 't go away over the weekend , but it didn 't get any worse . Her little body , though , seemed to get weaker and weaker . By Monday morning she was pooping , then falling in it , and her distress made me cry . I cleaned her up and offered her food , but she wasn 't interested . She lay on her side on the living room floor , her eyes staring straight in front of her , not lifting her head . For the first time in nearly 14 years , Kadi didn 't seem to care what was going on around her . I called Kim and said through sobs , " I think today may be the day . " She came over immediately and agreed that Kadi appeared to be giving up . I asked her to call the veterinarian and make an appointment , and she did that for me . Kim called Kelli at work , and Kelli came , too . Kadi did look up and acknowledge each of the girls as they came in . We could tell she was glad they were there . She didn 't wag her tail , but she lifted her head up a few inches and looked directly at each of them . When she lifted her head , she didn 't lay it back down ; it fell to the floor under its own weight . We sat with Kadi and stroked her , telling her over and over what a good girl she was and how much we loved her . Around noon she tried to get up , so we helped her to her feet and she actually headed to the back door and went outside for a minute . She ate a few bites after that , then drank some water and lay back down . I don 't know whether the food upset her stomach or the walking hurt her , but she seemed to be in a great deal of pain . Butch was with us , walking around excitedly , and we made sure he didn 't accidentally step on her . We let Levi in the room for just a moment , but his fast , klutzy movements seemed to make Kadi anxious , so we kept him on the other side of the gate . Kelli had to go back to work , so Kim and I continued to stroke Kadi and soothe her while we waited until the appointed hour . When either of us couldn 't hold back the tears , we tried not to let Kadi see us . In light of what would happen soon , I no longer cared about Kadi 's diet , other than not wanting to give her anything that would upset her fragile stomach and intestines . We talked about what might make her happy and settled on a spoonful of peanut butter . We took turns holding it , while Kadi , the side of her face still flat on the floor , slowly but eventually licked it clean . It was time to take Kadi to the vet . Kim and I picked up our purses , and I picked up a leash . When Kadi saw the leash , she rallied and tried to get up . We helped her up and let her stand for a minute , then she took some wobbly steps to the front door , demonstrating more enthusiasm than I 'd seen in her for days . Five minutes later her last ride was over . At the animal hospital I talked to the vet at length about my concern that I was " jumping the gun " in making this decision . He said his personal opinion was that I was not , that he believed Kadi was ready to go . He said that his medical opinion was that we could do the ultrasound to be sure what we were dealing with and then make a decision but that the main question to be considered was whether I was ready . Kadi was standing and shivering while we talked . I didn 't think I could take her home , watch her suffer a few days more , then go through this all over again . I said I was ready . They weighed Kadi while they put the catheter in her front leg . She had lost another three pounds in less than three weeks , down to 37 pounds from the 62 that had been her normal weight for the last few years . They brought her back to us then , and after we petted her and talked to her for a few more minutes , I gave the okay , and the doctor injected a sedative through the catheter . Kadi went out almost instantly . We held her to keep her from falling and laid her gently on soft blankets . She was still breathing , but the vet assured us she was totally unconscious . I wasn 't convinced . Her eyes were open , not moving at all , but if my hand came too close to them , she blinked . The next injection , which the vet had explained was an overdose of a seizure medication , ended Kadi 's life in a split second . I don 't believe it caused her any pain . The procedure seemed so simple that I wanted to scream in the quiet of that room . How can a life be ended so easily and swiftly ? How could such a beloved creature pass on without any kind of fanfare ? In that moment I wanted angels for Kadi , lots of angels , some of them welcoming her with arms wide open and some of them playing trumpets . I wanted to be able to see Kadi running among frolicking puppies and fluffy kittens in green fields under brilliant blue skies . I 've cried plenty of tears in the last couple of days , but the truth is the greater part of my grieving has been done in the last few months , because I 've known I would lose Kadi soon . Every morning , ever since the first vet told me Kadi 's body was shedding weight to prepare for the end of her life , I have opened my eyes and looked first for Kadi , to see if she was breathing . I was afraid she might die in the night and even more afraid that I 'd have to choose the time of her death . In the comments on this post Janet asked if I thought I could add suspenders to my grandson . Who could resist a challenge like that ? Thanks for the idea , Janet . ( While I was working on suspenders , I also took the tops of Koby 's ears out from under his hatband . ) Posted by The last item I showed you was a trinket , but this one is a real treasure , at least to me . I 'm pretty sure the genealogy enthusiasts among you will appreciate it , too . It 's the oldest thing I own - - an original letter written in 1858 to my great - great - great - grandfather , Abraham H . Hetherington , by his brother , Isaac . The letter came to me when my grandmother died in 1988 . It was stuffed in an envelope with other family history documents . It was sealed in plastic then and remains in the same plastic today . Unfortunately , even in that protective environment , a portion of the letter has separated from the rest along a fold line . Brandonville , VA . May 17th , 1858 Dear Brother , Yours of 30th _________ came duly here . We are well . I was glad to hear you all enjoy good health . You write concerning Father & Mother . You think the matter of attending to their removal devolves on me . You will understand me , that I feel as you on this subject , but how under the present cir - cumstances I can go , I cannot see . I com - ply with your wish in informing you thus . If I could at all do it , I surely would attend to this duty without delay . I hope you or your son will proceed to attend to getting them out & that they may reach there in safety and that the Almighty may spare them long . It is heartrending to hear of their suffering and we well blame ourselves . I remember of sending the old folks some years ago five dollars . I believe this was when I lived in Selbysport . Since then he was here with us but a good many years ago . When he left here , I presented him with such articles as he could carry with him for their comfort . He was surely welcome and would have been to more , but he declined taking what I had in fact to force upon him . Since that time my circumstances have chan - ged so that I have not means to assist him at my command , otherwise Brother Abraham , they should not suffer . And if I could go and attend to them now I would go without delay . Well may you say this is a serious matter . We owe to Parents debts of gratitude we cannot repay . With regard to course of travel to their place , I can give you little or no information . You are surely aware of the two routes by rail , that of Balt . & Ohio and that of Pittsburg & Connellsville , or better perhaps by water from Pittsburg to Brownsville & then by coach to Cumberland . Or you could stop this side of Cumberland . Should you or your son come in after the old Parents & travel by the Balt . & Ohio Rail Rail , you could stop at Cranberry Summit 18 miles from this place & come here , Or if Boat from Pitt . to Brownsville you could stop at _____- __________ 12 miles from here & call here . I hope you will do so . You I 've never learned how Henry and Margaret were relocated or who actually tackled the job of moving them , but I was thrilled to find out that both of them were still alive at the time of the 1860 U . S . Census . ( A misspelling of their last name had kept that fact hidden from me until last year . ) A number of things were going on around here during my recent absence from blogging , one of which involved having sidewalks laid in my backyard to replace the troublesome stepping stones . My son - in - law and I had discussed this project last summer , and when I mentioned it again as a potential project for the upcoming spring , he called the concrete man to get him out here for an estimate . As it turned out , the concrete man said he 'd be very busy this spring , but he would have time to begin our little project the very next day . Backing up five and a half years , I 'd had the stepping stones put in during the summer of 2005 in anticipation of Butch 's eye surgery a month later . We wanted him to have time to familiarize himself with their layout before the surgery made him totally blind , so he 'd have them as a navigational tool . They served their purpose , and they looked nice , didn 't they ? Above is the freshly poured sidewalk as it appeared when we thought the job was done . The little square you can see in the new concrete on the right side of the picture ( about a third of the way up ) was left on purpose because I wanted a little area of dirt that I could stick a bird - feeder pole into . The pole used to be in the yard , but the yard was so boggy I didn 't like wading in the mud to refill the feeders . Moments after I took the photo above , it began to sprinkle , and the sprinkle turned into a severe rainstorm that lasted for hours . Little did we know that the gutters were stopped up with leaves , so the heavy rains poured off the roof and created a deep rut right down the middle of the fresh concrete . The concrete men , who had hurried to finish the job while knowing rain was expected , had to come back two days later to add more concrete and refinish the job . That rain lasted for long periods over several days and nights , and , at the same time , the temperatures dropped into the low 20s . For four long days , while the rain damage and the rain itself kept the concrete from curing , I couldn 't let the dogs go into the backyard . The first day I took them into the front yard one at a time on a leash . Then I realized there was one little place at the side edge of the old part of the patio , a place about a foot wide , where I could lead a dog on a leash and step out into the backyard . So that 's what we did , one by one , over and over and over and over for days . I had to wear plastic overshoes , but they didn 't actually fit over my shoes , so I wore them over my bare feet as I walked in the near - freezing water that stood in the yard . I also had to wear a scarf tied around my head ( couldn 't find my ski cap ) , knit gloves , and a full - length , heavy winter coat , with my mother 's old plastic poncho over that . It was no fun for me to do that every time the dogs needed to go out , and it was no fun for them to wait for me to put all those clothes on . In fact , Kadi couldn 't wait . Kadi was sick the entire four days . Sick with diarrhea . Finally , back to Butch . We 'd been a bit concerned about how he 'd handle the new sidewalks , and he was a little put off by them in the beginning . On the first day he encountered them , he behaved very much like a Roomba vacuum cleaner : each time his foot touched the edge of the sidewalk , he 'd bounce back and go quickly in the opposite direction . With a little time , though , and a little assistance and encouragement while on a leash , he figured them out . He crosses the sidewalks easily now and has even cautiously walked the length of the one behind the house . The other dogs seem to enjoy the sidewalks and often use them instead of short - cutting through the grass or on the remaining stepping stones . I love them , too . Being able to keep my feet dry while going from the house to the shed has been nearly impossible in all the previous winters I 've lived here . At one point Levi yanked hard on the leash just as Butch darted right in front of me . I was standing on the corner of the patio , with the bird feeder pole right behind me , so there was nowhere for me to go except head first over Butch into the water / mud / dog $ # ! % . Fortunately , I wasn 't hurt . Between the heavy coat I was wearing and the boggy ground , it was sort of like falling onto a waterbed . I 'm not a material girl . I don 't own expensive things , nor do I have a desire to own them , but there are some things in my home that I really , really like . Some are significant because there 's history behind them ; some just appeal to me for no particular reason at all . I was looking at one of the items in the latter category today and it occurred to me that I might be able to turn these things into a regular series of blog posts . After all , the word " trinkets " is featured prominently at the top of my sidebar , so the " trinkets and treasures " theme would fit right in . I worried that it might not be an interesting topic , but look how well Oprah has done with her " favorite things " segments . Pffft ! I 'm going for it . This large bowl on my coffee table is probably about fifteen inches in diameter if you don 't measure it right where that notch is . The notch , the little holes , and the jagged edge are all part of what appealed to me , along with the patches and the general rustic appearance ( I 'm a fool for texture ) . The bowl is very light in weight and seems to be made out of papier mache or something similar . I was thrilled when my daughter pointed out this bowl in the hobby store . I thought it would be the perfect thing , filled with pine cones , to add a little touch of the outdoors to the room . And it was , for a long time . The bowl still sits on the coffee table , but it 's empty for now . Levi sure did love the crunch of pine cones . Midway through my shower , I saw his big head poke through the shower curtain and his mouth clamp down on the hot water faucet . " Okay , now he 's going to scald me , " I thought right before telling him to go away . Telling him to go away was my second mistake . What looked like an explosion in a cotton candy factory had been Butch 's bed only minutes earlier . I didn 't have time to deal with it right then because I was on my way to take Kadi to the vet , so I got dressed , put Levi in his crate , and left the house . I was pretty upset ; this was Butch 's favorite bed . When I got back home , I discovered that Butch didn 't seem to mind the damage as much as I did . It was late afternoon before I could face cleaning up that mess . With Levi hovering nearby and watching every move I made , I fussed at him the entire time I filled two kitchen - sized trash bags . I grabbed another bag of trash from the kitchen and hauled all three of them outside to the garbage can . When I got back in the house , Levi was missing . I found him back in my bedroom with this : That was all just yesterday . Earlier in the week , wielding a shovel for the first time in , oh , probably twenty years , I filled five large holes Levi had dug in the yard . That little hole he dug the first week he was here ? That was nothing . He 's a much better digger now : The first of three books he 's chewed . There would have been many othersin this condition if I hadn 't caught him while he was running with them . He actually pulls them off the bookshelves . The biggest item he has damaged so far is the futon mattress . Its black , faux leather cover was an early casualty , an easy target because it already had minor damage from the other dogs ' toenails . Levi ripped it to shreds . He also bit through it - - and through the original green microfiber cover and the mattress underneath . He pulled stuffing out of the corner of the mattress . I threw the black cover away , sewed up the green cover , and thought it would be okay . An hour later he had torn part of the zipper out of the green cover . I repaired it again , and this time I covered the whole mattress with an ugly , heavy - duty , clear plastic tarp . So far that 's still intact . I 've already told you about the many , many stuffed toys Levi has disemboweled . The only other items that come immediately to mind are the umpteen pens and markers he has snagged off tabletops and countertops . That boy loves the taste of ink . Levi is good about minding when I tell him " no , " but the " no " doesn 't stick for too long . He 's scheduled for obedience training next week . He 's already good at " sit , " " shake , " and " down . " I 'm hoping the training will focus on teaching him what not to do as well as on teaching commands to do something . When Levi isn 't in barbarian mode , he 's sweet , lovable , smart and very , very funny . That 's why I haven 't killed him . I forgave him for all of yesterday 's transgressions when he climbed up on the sofa last night , pushed as close to me as he possibly could , licked my chin , then lay down beside me with his head in my lap . He 's just a baby , after all . A great , big baby . With a whole lot of teeth . But he will grow out of this . One month ago today I got an email from a woman I remember as a child . She 's a grandmother now . Her father was my second ( and last and best , I always point out ) husband . I saw her a few times when we first married , but then we moved away , then she moved away with her mother , and our paths never crossed again . Her brother lived with us when he was in high school and for a short time after that . He moved out as soon as he was old enough to make it on his own , and then , a few years later , their father and I divorced . I only had one phone call from her brother after that . My former husband passed away in 2003 . His son died three years later . The only things that connected me to his family after that were the memories my daughters and I shared of the time we spent with them and , also , the family name . I still have that . The little girl I remember so well , the grown - up woman who found my daughter 's website , a link to my blog , and then the courage to send a message to a virtual stranger , has started something special . It began with correspondence between her , me , and our daughters . We wondered about her aunt on her father 's side , so we reached out on Facebook and found her aunt , her first cousin , and the husbands and kids that belong to each of them . We wondered about her brother 's child , also lost to the family through divorce and all grown up now . We found her first in a blog and then on Facebook . That child and her mother , who was divorced from the family like I was , have since " friended " us all , and those of us who haven 't met them yet are hoping to get to know them . We are individual threads of a tapestry called family , unraveled by time and distance , by death and divorce . As adult women now , we are reweaving ourselves into a different sort of family . We are building trust , asking questions , sharing knowledge , fitting the stories of our lives together so that they all make more sense . I 'd have had more time to write if Levi hadn 't torn up something every time I turned my back on him . The picture in the header shows just a thin slice of my whole house filled with the white , fluffy guts of stuffed animals . I 'd have given up on him if he hadn 't shown steady signs of improvement . You wouldn 't believe the exercise I get every day just picking up after him , but I sure am glad I didn 't spend money on a gym membership . I 'd have gone completely crazy if the weather hadn 't warmed up when it did and dried out the yard . The dogs tracked in so much dirt during the muddy season that I could almost taste it in the air . It 's been warm for more than a week now , and I 'm still cleaning dirt and dust out of the corners . I 'd like to thank those of you who have continued to check in despite my lengthy , unplanned absence . It would be so easy to just let this blog lapse if I didn 't know there are a few people who would miss it . You can 't possibly appreciate how much it means to me that you let me know you care . I promise to be back in a day or two with a new post , one that I hope will be more worthy of your time and attention than this one is . " Admit it . You aren 't like them . You 're not even close . You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them , watch the same mindless television shows as they do , maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes . But it seems that the more you try to fit in , the more you feel like an outsider , watching the ' normal people ' as they go about their automatic existences . For every time you say club passwords like ' Have a nice day ' and ' Weather 's awful today , eh ? ' , you yearn inside to say forbidden things like ' Tell me something that makes you cry ' or ' What do you think deja vu is for ? ' Face it , you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator . But what if that girl in the elevator ( and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work ) are thinking the same thing ? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger ? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle . Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence . Trust your instincts . Do the unexpected . Find the others . . . " - - Timothy Leary She cared for those trinkets as if they were cherished heirlooms , rarely displaying them in public . She stored them in protective velvet sacks , drawing them out only when she was alone or in the company of those she trusted to understand why the simple objects mattered . And as careful as she was to protect the trinkets , so she was cautious about sharing her words , and for the same reasons . LN All rights reserved . Please don 't copy text or photos without my written consent . That being said , you can link to this blog from your site anytime you want . |
The title of this post may seem an odd choice in light of recent earthquakes and tsunamis , but the tender side of Mother Nature has blessed me all week long as I 've begun to heal from the loss of my beloved Kadi . I 've been warmed by the sun , kissed by gentle breezes , and lulled into peacefulness by the splendid songs of birds . In the face of so much life , I 'm compelled to notice it and be thankful for it . Spring is a short season in South Louisiana . The time between cold winter temperatures and blazing hot summers is measured in weeks , not months , and I 'm determined to enjoy these rare , perfect days while they last . I bought a cap with a bill on it to shield my eyes from the bright morning light , and I put it on and sit outside while Butch and Levi roam the yard and pace the fence line , making sure nothing has changed since the night before . I can hear traffic sounds in the distance , but the beauty of the birds ' songs overpowers the noise and captures my attention . One bird calls over and over for " Ricky , Ricky , Ricky , " and another calls , " Hear me ! Hear me ! " They flit through the air , darting in and out of trees , and their hustle - bustle energizes me . Late at night I stand outside with the dogs for the last time of the day and listen to the cooing of a lone dove and the hoot of an owl . The dove 's call is a sound I remember from childhood , from late summer evenings spent playing outside with my sister and friends from the neighborhood until darkness descended and our parents called us back inside for baths and bedtime . All these years later I still associate it with bedtime . The dogs return to the back door without being called and we come inside . While I give Levi a treat and put him in his crate , Butch makes his way to the bedroom , where he waits in the doorway until I get there with his biscuit . In a few short minutes both dogs are settled down and ready to sleep . I climb into bed , pull up the covers , turn out the lamp , and lie there in the darkness just thinking for a moment . I think about the fact that another day has passed , a beautiful day . I take stock of my emotions at that moment and find mostly love and gratitude . I roll over , pull Kadi 's collar out from under my pillow and hold it in my hand , close to my heart , as I drift off to a peaceful sleep . This post was hard for me to write and may be hard for you to read , not just because of the subject . It 's long , it 's somewhat graphic , and if you 're one of the first to read it , it may be full of typos . I picked out the images earlier today , but I 've written the text " stream - of - consciousness " style , and it went so far in a direction I didn 't intend it to go that I had to change the original title . I can 't make myself go back over it right now to check for errors , but I promise to edit it properly tomorrow . The point of this first paragraph is to let you know that I 'll understand if you don 't want to read all this , but please , please scroll through it and look at the pictures of my best girl , Kadi . She was so very beautiful , inside and out . Calendar note on August 22 , 1997 : " Troy gave Kelli a 10 - wk - old yellow lab . " That 's right . Kadi was not my dog in the beginning . Kelli and I had bought this property together earlier that year . She and her kids lived in the house in front of the carport , and I lived in the one behind it , where I still live today . We had talked about getting a dog , but the fence needed work first . When the fence was finished around the backyard Kelli and I shared , Kelli wanted Kadi to be an outside dog . Kadi had other ideas . As soon as Kelli let her out in the morning , Kadi headed to my back door . As hard as I resisted it , I usually caved in and let her spend most of the day in my house . She wanted to be there , and I loved having her . I missed her when she went home in the afternoon . In 1998 Kelli called from work and asked how I 'd feel about her bringing another dog home . A friend of hers had found a plump , young puppy ( too young to have been away from his mother ) that had probably been dumped near her home . Calendar note on April 30 , 1998 : " Janice M . gave Kelli a new puppy - - 6 wks old male - - we named him Jack . Kadi is so excited , thinks it 's her dog . " Three days later Jack 's name was changed to Butch , who , as you now know , also wasn 't my dog in the beginning . But he was Kadi 's . ( After Butch , Kadi showed the ropes to Kim 's dogs , Frankie , Winston , Lucy , and Oliver . She was working hard on Levi . ) By the time Kelli and Troy married in 2000 and were getting ready to move into the new home they 'd built to accommodate their combined five children , I think Kelli knew how attached I 'd become to Kadi and Butch . Or maybe she didn 't like the idea of leaving me alone . Or possibly she was just tired of trying to convince me not to let her dogs spend so much time in my house . Whatever the reason , she told me she was giving them to me . That made me feel guilty about all the times I 'd sneaked them inside , but I decided I could live with the guilt and accepted her offer gratefully . That 's how Kadi and Butch became my dogs . Inside dogs . There are stories about Kadi all through this blog , so I won 't repeat them here . I 'll just add that Kadi became more special to me with each passing year . Some people think of their dogs as children , which is sort of the way I 've always thought about Butch , but when Kadi grew out of puppyhood , she no longer seemed like a child to me . Kadi was a grown - up through and through , with her own set of standards for behavior - - hers and everybody else 's - - and the facial expressions to tell you what she thought about anything that was happening at a given moment . She was more than a wonderful friend to me . If she could have talked in words ( she did talk with her eyes ) , she probably would have told you that she and I were partners in the running of the house . She behaved like a loyal administrative assistant , alerting me to anything she had identified as a problem , then fully expecting me to take care of the matter post haste . Kadi had a heart of gold . She loved her people , her canine friends , and life itself . The Sister - Mary - Katherine part of her might let us know if we 'd somehow fallen short of her expectations , but she didn 't hold a grudge . More than once she would head - butt a naughty puppy , then turn right around and look us in the eyes and smile , as if to let us know she wasn 't really angry , she was just doing her job . In September of 2009 I took Kadi to the vet for her annual physical exam and shots . She was given a clean bill of health . She weighed a hair under 62 pounds . In January of 2010 I took her back to the vet . She had begun to have trouble with her back legs slipping out from under her , and she was falling a lot . She also seemed to be choking on her food once or twice a day . The vet examined her thoroughly . He pressed on her backbone just above her tail , and her hind legs crumpled . He said he believed that her leg problem was caused by a degenerative condition of her spine . His recommendation was to give her Rimadyl ( an NSAID pain reliever ) and see if that might help , though he acknowledged that it might not . As for the choking , he said sometimes a dog 's trachea will flatten out with age and that I should begin moistening Kadi 's kibble and / or giving her soft food . That January checkup also turned up something I hadn 't noticed : Kadi had lost almost eight pounds in four months . The softer food stopped the choking problem almost immediately . The Rimadyl ( 50 mg daily ) didn 't seem to make much of a difference in Kadi 's mobility , so I stopped it after a few weeks . The falling got quite a bit better because Kadi gradually began to walk with her hind legs stiffened into an upside - down V - shape , which gave her a more solid footing . When she had trouble getting up from a lying - down position , she 'd scoot to the nearest rug or carpet to get some traction . In August of 2010 it was time to renew her prescription for thyroid medication , and she needed to have her thyroid levels checked to see if that prescription was still appropriate . Back we went to the vet . She got the full senior dog exam , which included a number of blood tests that later proved to be in normal ranges ( except for the thyroid , which hadn 't changed ) . The alarming news was that she had lost another six pounds . The vet told me that day that he believed Kadi 's weight loss was " her body 's way of preparing for the end of her life . " She had turned 13 two months earlier . The vet said ( I 'm paraphrasing here ) , " Dogs ' bodies , like people 's , lose mass as they get older . That 's why you never see really fat people in nursing homes ; most of the patients are small and thin . " That day was the first time I 'd had to face the fact that there was a limit to the time I had left to spend with Kadi . We rocked along for the next five months without any new problems . I had started spoon feeding Kadi and Butch , bite for bite , after Kadi 's last visit to the vet , just to make sure she was eating an adequate amount . She continued to lose weight on the same amount of food that made Butch gain a few pounds , but she didn 't seem to feel sick or to be in a lot of pain . Her skin was beginning to hang on her bony frame , and her fur looked like moths had been in it . I think now that her sweet nature and her joy and interest in life masked her discomfort , but maybe I was just in denial . In December of 2010 Butch developed another in his lifelong series of ear infections , and I took him to a new vet - - at least new to this area . She and another veterinarian had relocated to this area after Hurricane Katrina forced them out of New Orleans , and in the early fall of 2010 they opened a brand new animal hospital about five minutes from my home . In addition to his ears , Butch seemed to have been experiencing some pain from the fissures on his behind and the arthritis in his knees . I told the vet that I 'd been giving Butch Kadi 's leftover 50 mg Rimadyl tablets for the last week to try to alleviate some of his pain but that it didn 't seem to be helping . In that context , I told her about Kadi 's back and leg problems , and she told me she thought both dogs might benefit from a stronger dose of Rimadyl . I took some 100 mg Rimadyl home and started them on it . Butch and Kadi both seemed to feel better on the larger dose of Rimadyl . Kadi seemed more confident and sure - footed , and I was encouraged . A month later , in the last week of January 2011 , Kadi got sick with a case of diarrhea so severe that it weakened her in every way possible . She weighed only 42 pounds when the new vet checked her out , but despite her thinness , we still had to withhold all food for 24 hours . In the meantime I was to give her medication to slow down the diarrhea , and after that 24 - hour - period I could begin giving her very small amounts of chicken and rice at regular intervals . The diarrhea lasted six days , and poor Kadi lay on the cold floor ( her choice ) like a thick shag rug for most of that time . When she finally felt better , the spark returned to her eyes . Her disposition told me she was my sweet , happy girl again , but her body sagged , and I could see that she was worse for the wear . In the first week of March 2011 , Kadi was back at the vet again . The diarrhea had returned . This time we saw the other new vet , who stated that diarrhea was a possible side effect of Rimadyl and said to stop giving her that immediately . We would wait a week or so and start her on prednisone , a steroid , to address her wobbly leg issues . He warned , sympathetically , " When the prednisone stops working , I 'm afraid that 's it . " The vet noted that Kadi had dropped another two pounds in just over a month . When I explained her history of weight loss over the past year , he said his best guess would be that she had some type of gastrointestinal cancer . It might show up on an ultrasound test , but it might not . I declined the test because I didn 't think a firm diagnosis would give us a different outcome . Kadi was three months shy of her 14th birthday . Chemotherapy couldn 't possibly extend her life by more than a few short months , and I wouldn 't put her through that kind of trauma for such a limited amount of time . The vet put Kadi on a diet of a special gastroenteric food and said to give her Pepcid AC twice a day to ease her stomach pain . I remember telling the vet on that visit , " Kadi still has some good days . " Near the end of the visit , he told me , " I want you to do something . " He suggested that I go home and find two jars , label one jar " good days " and the other one " bad days " and put a penny in one or the other each night at bedtime . " When the ' bad - day ' jar starts filling up a lot faster than the ' good - day ' jar , you 'll know it 's time . " I didn 't make those jars . When I thought about it , I realized that I 'd exaggerated when I said Kadi still had good days . She didn 't have any good days ; she just had occasional really good moments . Kadi 's second bout of diarrhea lasted about as long as the first one had , and the prednisone never really seemed to kick in to help her legs . She began falling more frequently and often needed human assistance to stand up . We had to pick up her back end , wait while she got her front feet positioned properly , then slowly lower her back feet to the floor and physically place each one in a position that would grant her stability . Once she got her bearings , she could hobble around the house or out into the yard , though her trips were shorter and much less frequent than usual . I don 't think she looks ill in that photo , but another one , taken moments later , presents a truer picture of her condition . I think seeing this might help you understand why I couldn 't write about this in any detail while it was happening . My sweet girl was wasting away right in front of my eyes , and it was breaking my heart . In the middle of the night after these pictures were taken , Kadi got sick again . More diarrhea . I treated her all day Saturday and Sunday the same way I had done the other two times , the same medicine and the same small feedings . I knew if she wasn 't better by Monday we 'd go back to the vet for help . The diarrhea didn 't go away over the weekend , but it didn 't get any worse . Her little body , though , seemed to get weaker and weaker . By Monday morning she was pooping , then falling in it , and her distress made me cry . I cleaned her up and offered her food , but she wasn 't interested . She lay on her side on the living room floor , her eyes staring straight in front of her , not lifting her head . For the first time in nearly 14 years , Kadi didn 't seem to care what was going on around her . I called Kim and said through sobs , " I think today may be the day . " She came over immediately and agreed that Kadi appeared to be giving up . I asked her to call the veterinarian and make an appointment , and she did that for me . Kim called Kelli at work , and Kelli came , too . Kadi did look up and acknowledge each of the girls as they came in . We could tell she was glad they were there . She didn 't wag her tail , but she lifted her head up a few inches and looked directly at each of them . When she lifted her head , she didn 't lay it back down ; it fell to the floor under its own weight . We sat with Kadi and stroked her , telling her over and over what a good girl she was and how much we loved her . Around noon she tried to get up , so we helped her to her feet and she actually headed to the back door and went outside for a minute . She ate a few bites after that , then drank some water and lay back down . I don 't know whether the food upset her stomach or the walking hurt her , but she seemed to be in a great deal of pain . Butch was with us , walking around excitedly , and we made sure he didn 't accidentally step on her . We let Levi in the room for just a moment , but his fast , klutzy movements seemed to make Kadi anxious , so we kept him on the other side of the gate . Kelli had to go back to work , so Kim and I continued to stroke Kadi and soothe her while we waited until the appointed hour . When either of us couldn 't hold back the tears , we tried not to let Kadi see us . In light of what would happen soon , I no longer cared about Kadi 's diet , other than not wanting to give her anything that would upset her fragile stomach and intestines . We talked about what might make her happy and settled on a spoonful of peanut butter . We took turns holding it , while Kadi , the side of her face still flat on the floor , slowly but eventually licked it clean . It was time to take Kadi to the vet . Kim and I picked up our purses , and I picked up a leash . When Kadi saw the leash , she rallied and tried to get up . We helped her up and let her stand for a minute , then she took some wobbly steps to the front door , demonstrating more enthusiasm than I 'd seen in her for days . Five minutes later her last ride was over . At the animal hospital I talked to the vet at length about my concern that I was " jumping the gun " in making this decision . He said his personal opinion was that I was not , that he believed Kadi was ready to go . He said that his medical opinion was that we could do the ultrasound to be sure what we were dealing with and then make a decision but that the main question to be considered was whether I was ready . Kadi was standing and shivering while we talked . I didn 't think I could take her home , watch her suffer a few days more , then go through this all over again . I said I was ready . They weighed Kadi while they put the catheter in her front leg . She had lost another three pounds in less than three weeks , down to 37 pounds from the 62 that had been her normal weight for the last few years . They brought her back to us then , and after we petted her and talked to her for a few more minutes , I gave the okay , and the doctor injected a sedative through the catheter . Kadi went out almost instantly . We held her to keep her from falling and laid her gently on soft blankets . She was still breathing , but the vet assured us she was totally unconscious . I wasn 't convinced . Her eyes were open , not moving at all , but if my hand came too close to them , she blinked . The next injection , which the vet had explained was an overdose of a seizure medication , ended Kadi 's life in a split second . I don 't believe it caused her any pain . The procedure seemed so simple that I wanted to scream in the quiet of that room . How can a life be ended so easily and swiftly ? How could such a beloved creature pass on without any kind of fanfare ? In that moment I wanted angels for Kadi , lots of angels , some of them welcoming her with arms wide open and some of them playing trumpets . I wanted to be able to see Kadi running among frolicking puppies and fluffy kittens in green fields under brilliant blue skies . I 've cried plenty of tears in the last couple of days , but the truth is the greater part of my grieving has been done in the last few months , because I 've known I would lose Kadi soon . Every morning , ever since the first vet told me Kadi 's body was shedding weight to prepare for the end of her life , I have opened my eyes and looked first for Kadi , to see if she was breathing . I was afraid she might die in the night and even more afraid that I 'd have to choose the time of her death . In the comments on this post Janet asked if I thought I could add suspenders to my grandson . Who could resist a challenge like that ? Thanks for the idea , Janet . ( While I was working on suspenders , I also took the tops of Koby 's ears out from under his hatband . ) Posted by The last item I showed you was a trinket , but this one is a real treasure , at least to me . I 'm pretty sure the genealogy enthusiasts among you will appreciate it , too . It 's the oldest thing I own - - an original letter written in 1858 to my great - great - great - grandfather , Abraham H . Hetherington , by his brother , Isaac . The letter came to me when my grandmother died in 1988 . It was stuffed in an envelope with other family history documents . It was sealed in plastic then and remains in the same plastic today . Unfortunately , even in that protective environment , a portion of the letter has separated from the rest along a fold line . Brandonville , VA . May 17th , 1858 Dear Brother , Yours of 30th _________ came duly here . We are well . I was glad to hear you all enjoy good health . You write concerning Father & Mother . You think the matter of attending to their removal devolves on me . You will understand me , that I feel as you on this subject , but how under the present cir - cumstances I can go , I cannot see . I com - ply with your wish in informing you thus . If I could at all do it , I surely would attend to this duty without delay . I hope you or your son will proceed to attend to getting them out & that they may reach there in safety and that the Almighty may spare them long . It is heartrending to hear of their suffering and we well blame ourselves . I remember of sending the old folks some years ago five dollars . I believe this was when I lived in Selbysport . Since then he was here with us but a good many years ago . When he left here , I presented him with such articles as he could carry with him for their comfort . He was surely welcome and would have been to more , but he declined taking what I had in fact to force upon him . Since that time my circumstances have chan - ged so that I have not means to assist him at my command , otherwise Brother Abraham , they should not suffer . And if I could go and attend to them now I would go without delay . Well may you say this is a serious matter . We owe to Parents debts of gratitude we cannot repay . With regard to course of travel to their place , I can give you little or no information . You are surely aware of the two routes by rail , that of Balt . & Ohio and that of Pittsburg & Connellsville , or better perhaps by water from Pittsburg to Brownsville & then by coach to Cumberland . Or you could stop this side of Cumberland . Should you or your son come in after the old Parents & travel by the Balt . & Ohio Rail Rail , you could stop at Cranberry Summit 18 miles from this place & come here , Or if Boat from Pitt . to Brownsville you could stop at _____- __________ 12 miles from here & call here . I hope you will do so . You I 've never learned how Henry and Margaret were relocated or who actually tackled the job of moving them , but I was thrilled to find out that both of them were still alive at the time of the 1860 U . S . Census . ( A misspelling of their last name had kept that fact hidden from me until last year . ) A number of things were going on around here during my recent absence from blogging , one of which involved having sidewalks laid in my backyard to replace the troublesome stepping stones . My son - in - law and I had discussed this project last summer , and when I mentioned it again as a potential project for the upcoming spring , he called the concrete man to get him out here for an estimate . As it turned out , the concrete man said he 'd be very busy this spring , but he would have time to begin our little project the very next day . Backing up five and a half years , I 'd had the stepping stones put in during the summer of 2005 in anticipation of Butch 's eye surgery a month later . We wanted him to have time to familiarize himself with their layout before the surgery made him totally blind , so he 'd have them as a navigational tool . They served their purpose , and they looked nice , didn 't they ? Above is the freshly poured sidewalk as it appeared when we thought the job was done . The little square you can see in the new concrete on the right side of the picture ( about a third of the way up ) was left on purpose because I wanted a little area of dirt that I could stick a bird - feeder pole into . The pole used to be in the yard , but the yard was so boggy I didn 't like wading in the mud to refill the feeders . Moments after I took the photo above , it began to sprinkle , and the sprinkle turned into a severe rainstorm that lasted for hours . Little did we know that the gutters were stopped up with leaves , so the heavy rains poured off the roof and created a deep rut right down the middle of the fresh concrete . The concrete men , who had hurried to finish the job while knowing rain was expected , had to come back two days later to add more concrete and refinish the job . That rain lasted for long periods over several days and nights , and , at the same time , the temperatures dropped into the low 20s . For four long days , while the rain damage and the rain itself kept the concrete from curing , I couldn 't let the dogs go into the backyard . The first day I took them into the front yard one at a time on a leash . Then I realized there was one little place at the side edge of the old part of the patio , a place about a foot wide , where I could lead a dog on a leash and step out into the backyard . So that 's what we did , one by one , over and over and over and over for days . I had to wear plastic overshoes , but they didn 't actually fit over my shoes , so I wore them over my bare feet as I walked in the near - freezing water that stood in the yard . I also had to wear a scarf tied around my head ( couldn 't find my ski cap ) , knit gloves , and a full - length , heavy winter coat , with my mother 's old plastic poncho over that . It was no fun for me to do that every time the dogs needed to go out , and it was no fun for them to wait for me to put all those clothes on . In fact , Kadi couldn 't wait . Kadi was sick the entire four days . Sick with diarrhea . Finally , back to Butch . We 'd been a bit concerned about how he 'd handle the new sidewalks , and he was a little put off by them in the beginning . On the first day he encountered them , he behaved very much like a Roomba vacuum cleaner : each time his foot touched the edge of the sidewalk , he 'd bounce back and go quickly in the opposite direction . With a little time , though , and a little assistance and encouragement while on a leash , he figured them out . He crosses the sidewalks easily now and has even cautiously walked the length of the one behind the house . The other dogs seem to enjoy the sidewalks and often use them instead of short - cutting through the grass or on the remaining stepping stones . I love them , too . Being able to keep my feet dry while going from the house to the shed has been nearly impossible in all the previous winters I 've lived here . At one point Levi yanked hard on the leash just as Butch darted right in front of me . I was standing on the corner of the patio , with the bird feeder pole right behind me , so there was nowhere for me to go except head first over Butch into the water / mud / dog $ # ! % . Fortunately , I wasn 't hurt . Between the heavy coat I was wearing and the boggy ground , it was sort of like falling onto a waterbed . I 'm not a material girl . I don 't own expensive things , nor do I have a desire to own them , but there are some things in my home that I really , really like . Some are significant because there 's history behind them ; some just appeal to me for no particular reason at all . I was looking at one of the items in the latter category today and it occurred to me that I might be able to turn these things into a regular series of blog posts . After all , the word " trinkets " is featured prominently at the top of my sidebar , so the " trinkets and treasures " theme would fit right in . I worried that it might not be an interesting topic , but look how well Oprah has done with her " favorite things " segments . Pffft ! I 'm going for it . This large bowl on my coffee table is probably about fifteen inches in diameter if you don 't measure it right where that notch is . The notch , the little holes , and the jagged edge are all part of what appealed to me , along with the patches and the general rustic appearance ( I 'm a fool for texture ) . The bowl is very light in weight and seems to be made out of papier mache or something similar . I was thrilled when my daughter pointed out this bowl in the hobby store . I thought it would be the perfect thing , filled with pine cones , to add a little touch of the outdoors to the room . And it was , for a long time . The bowl still sits on the coffee table , but it 's empty for now . Levi sure did love the crunch of pine cones . Midway through my shower , I saw his big head poke through the shower curtain and his mouth clamp down on the hot water faucet . " Okay , now he 's going to scald me , " I thought right before telling him to go away . Telling him to go away was my second mistake . What looked like an explosion in a cotton candy factory had been Butch 's bed only minutes earlier . I didn 't have time to deal with it right then because I was on my way to take Kadi to the vet , so I got dressed , put Levi in his crate , and left the house . I was pretty upset ; this was Butch 's favorite bed . When I got back home , I discovered that Butch didn 't seem to mind the damage as much as I did . It was late afternoon before I could face cleaning up that mess . With Levi hovering nearby and watching every move I made , I fussed at him the entire time I filled two kitchen - sized trash bags . I grabbed another bag of trash from the kitchen and hauled all three of them outside to the garbage can . When I got back in the house , Levi was missing . I found him back in my bedroom with this : That was all just yesterday . Earlier in the week , wielding a shovel for the first time in , oh , probably twenty years , I filled five large holes Levi had dug in the yard . That little hole he dug the first week he was here ? That was nothing . He 's a much better digger now : The first of three books he 's chewed . There would have been many othersin this condition if I hadn 't caught him while he was running with them . He actually pulls them off the bookshelves . The biggest item he has damaged so far is the futon mattress . Its black , faux leather cover was an early casualty , an easy target because it already had minor damage from the other dogs ' toenails . Levi ripped it to shreds . He also bit through it - - and through the original green microfiber cover and the mattress underneath . He pulled stuffing out of the corner of the mattress . I threw the black cover away , sewed up the green cover , and thought it would be okay . An hour later he had torn part of the zipper out of the green cover . I repaired it again , and this time I covered the whole mattress with an ugly , heavy - duty , clear plastic tarp . So far that 's still intact . I 've already told you about the many , many stuffed toys Levi has disemboweled . The only other items that come immediately to mind are the umpteen pens and markers he has snagged off tabletops and countertops . That boy loves the taste of ink . Levi is good about minding when I tell him " no , " but the " no " doesn 't stick for too long . He 's scheduled for obedience training next week . He 's already good at " sit , " " shake , " and " down . " I 'm hoping the training will focus on teaching him what not to do as well as on teaching commands to do something . When Levi isn 't in barbarian mode , he 's sweet , lovable , smart and very , very funny . That 's why I haven 't killed him . I forgave him for all of yesterday 's transgressions when he climbed up on the sofa last night , pushed as close to me as he possibly could , licked my chin , then lay down beside me with his head in my lap . He 's just a baby , after all . A great , big baby . With a whole lot of teeth . But he will grow out of this . One month ago today I got an email from a woman I remember as a child . She 's a grandmother now . Her father was my second ( and last and best , I always point out ) husband . I saw her a few times when we first married , but then we moved away , then she moved away with her mother , and our paths never crossed again . Her brother lived with us when he was in high school and for a short time after that . He moved out as soon as he was old enough to make it on his own , and then , a few years later , their father and I divorced . I only had one phone call from her brother after that . My former husband passed away in 2003 . His son died three years later . The only things that connected me to his family after that were the memories my daughters and I shared of the time we spent with them and , also , the family name . I still have that . The little girl I remember so well , the grown - up woman who found my daughter 's website , a link to my blog , and then the courage to send a message to a virtual stranger , has started something special . It began with correspondence between her , me , and our daughters . We wondered about her aunt on her father 's side , so we reached out on Facebook and found her aunt , her first cousin , and the husbands and kids that belong to each of them . We wondered about her brother 's child , also lost to the family through divorce and all grown up now . We found her first in a blog and then on Facebook . That child and her mother , who was divorced from the family like I was , have since " friended " us all , and those of us who haven 't met them yet are hoping to get to know them . We are individual threads of a tapestry called family , unraveled by time and distance , by death and divorce . As adult women now , we are reweaving ourselves into a different sort of family . We are building trust , asking questions , sharing knowledge , fitting the stories of our lives together so that they all make more sense . I 'd have had more time to write if Levi hadn 't torn up something every time I turned my back on him . The picture in the header shows just a thin slice of my whole house filled with the white , fluffy guts of stuffed animals . I 'd have given up on him if he hadn 't shown steady signs of improvement . You wouldn 't believe the exercise I get every day just picking up after him , but I sure am glad I didn 't spend money on a gym membership . I 'd have gone completely crazy if the weather hadn 't warmed up when it did and dried out the yard . The dogs tracked in so much dirt during the muddy season that I could almost taste it in the air . It 's been warm for more than a week now , and I 'm still cleaning dirt and dust out of the corners . I 'd like to thank those of you who have continued to check in despite my lengthy , unplanned absence . It would be so easy to just let this blog lapse if I didn 't know there are a few people who would miss it . You can 't possibly appreciate how much it means to me that you let me know you care . I promise to be back in a day or two with a new post , one that I hope will be more worthy of your time and attention than this one is . " Admit it . You aren 't like them . You 're not even close . You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them , watch the same mindless television shows as they do , maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes . But it seems that the more you try to fit in , the more you feel like an outsider , watching the ' normal people ' as they go about their automatic existences . For every time you say club passwords like ' Have a nice day ' and ' Weather 's awful today , eh ? ' , you yearn inside to say forbidden things like ' Tell me something that makes you cry ' or ' What do you think deja vu is for ? ' Face it , you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator . But what if that girl in the elevator ( and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work ) are thinking the same thing ? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger ? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle . Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence . Trust your instincts . Do the unexpected . Find the others . . . " - - Timothy Leary She cared for those trinkets as if they were cherished heirlooms , rarely displaying them in public . She stored them in protective velvet sacks , drawing them out only when she was alone or in the company of those she trusted to understand why the simple objects mattered . And as careful as she was to protect the trinkets , so she was cautious about sharing her words , and for the same reasons . LN All rights reserved . Please don 't copy text or photos without my written consent . That being said , you can link to this blog from your site anytime you want . |
June 30 , 2015 - - - Elks Lodge Campground in Oregon City , OR . We drove to Walmart in Woodburn . I needed three Rx refills . We were on a back road and it took us about 30 minutes to get there , I think . We were on some roads we had never been on . We 've been doing a lot of that lately . Before heading north on I - 5 , we ate lunch at Taco Bell . We haven 't been to Woodburn for several years . It has really grown . We didn 't have time to drive to the downtown area , but we 'll be back there tomorrow to get my prescriptions . Todd and Bonnie will be with us so we might try to find a cache or two . Bill and I went to Tigard to find an Apple Store . We drove around for a long time before we finally located it . I had hoped to get some help with posting pictures on my blog . I 'm not sure I will be able to get it to happen , but I will try . Bonnie invited us to dinner . We ate outside at a picnic table . It was a really nice evening . After eating , we went on a walk around the campground . Some of the road was rocky , but Todd and I both managed the terrain OK . He gets up early to walk in the morning . I don 't think that will work for me , but the evening walk was a real treat . June 29 , 2015 - - - Prineville to Portland and the Elks Lodge in Oregon City , OR . At 9 : 00 , we all went to McDonald 's for breakfast . It was rather busy . Lots of geezers meet there every morning for coffee . We see this at Mickey D 's in other parts of the country . It must be a good gathering place all across the USA . We said goodbye to Kathy , Gary , and Suzanne and were on our way to Portland by 10 : 30 . It was a beautiful drive , mostly through pine forests . As we got closer to Mount Hood , there was more activity . From there on , we encountered more traffic , and busy businesses . After quite a bit of country driving , we found the campground and parked next to Todd and Bonnie . There were a lot of big trees offering shade . That made it cooler . I spent most of the morning resting . I was still tired from my busy day yesterday . At 11 : 00 , Kathy and I went to the Dollar Tree . We spent an hour and a half walking up and down each aisle . Kathy is the original Super Shopper . We left no stone unturned and no item not inspected . We got sodas to drink on the way home . Kathy 's friend , Suzanne , was to drive in from Seattle . We went by her house to put some 4th of July decorations in her yard . Just as we were finishing , Suzanne drove in . We went home and Suzanne came to visit . She , Kathy , and I worked for the Seaside School District . It was nice to have time to relax and catch up on news . We are all now retired and enjoying it just a whole bunch . Late in the afternoon , we all went for a ride around town and to the lake . Bill had never been there . It was very busy , specially the campground . The lake level is down because of the lack of rain in the area . It was a nice drive to the lake , but we didn 't see very many boats in the water . And we didn 't see any wild critters . We went to DQ to eat . They had lots of traffic the entire time we there . This is the last time we will be in this part of the state because tomorrow we leave for Portland . June 27 , 2015 - - - Kathy and Gary 's house , Prineville , OR This morning , Kathy , Gary , and I went to a parade in downtown Prineville . This is Rodeo Time , and there were lots of horses with riders in the parade . Many of them were contestants for rodeo queens . Their costumes were beautiful . They all had floral arrangements just behind their saddles . The flowers matched their color scheme of clothes and saddles . The wrapping on the horses ' legs matched also . There were floats and a marching trash can band . Firetrucks played a noisy part in the celebration , with a few firemen clowns . Some of the firetrucks sprayed the crowd with water . No one cared because the temperature had already begun to rise . I believe it was the best small town parade I 've seen . We went to McDonald 's for something cold to drink before going to a few garage sales . One particularly large sale was an estate sale . Every room in the house was stuffed with items . I got really tired and finally had to leave the shopping to Kathy . We went back to their house and ate turkey sandwiches . After resting in the cool house , we continued our adventures . We went to Goodwill and St . Vincent de Paul Thrift stores . We took Panda Express home and ate in the coolness of their house . June 26 , 2015 - - - John Day to Kathy and Gary 's , Prinville , OR We left John Day at 9 : 15 . Hwy . 26 took us through a valley of farms and ranches . Most of the crops were alfalfa and the storage places were filled with huge bales . This year 's harvest must be a bumper crop . Another thing we saw at many of the houses along the way were huge stacks of firewood , sometimes nearly as big as the house . When we got to the forest area , many of the partially burned trees had been cut down . Whether they were cut down for firewood or to sell to logging companies , I don 't know . There were certainly a lot of downed trees waiting for something . We couldn 't remember the way to Kathy and Gary 's house so they met us on the east side of Prinville and followed them to their house . They have a nice house and a workshop on two acres . It is fenced , but doesn 't keep the deer out . It keeps their two dogs in . After visiting for awhile , and having turkey sandwiches for lunch , Kathy and I went to several thrift shops . By the time we got back home , I was really tired . We decided to go to dinner at DQ . That gave us more time to sit and talk . Kathy and I worked at the same school in Seaside for several years before I retired . Kathy just retired a week ago . We had lots of school " gossip " to catch up on . She and I also worked at the Convention Center , setting up tables for dinners and then serving the meal to the convention attendees . . June 25 , 2015 - - - Nampa , Idaho to county campground , John Day , OR We got on the road at 7 : 30 this morning . It wasn 't too much longer before we did an extra special cheer as we crossed the Snake River into Oregon . Even though we have changed our legal address to South Dakota , I think we both have a special place in our hearts for Oregon . The drive to John Day took us through some beautiful scenery . . . pine trees are hard to beat . We were on a new road for us , which is always fun . We checked into the county campground at the fairgrounds . It is a very nice facility . In spite of the temperature being close to 100 ° , the coach cooled down nicely thanks to good electric power here at the campground . After dinner , we went out to cache . It had begun to cool off a bit . We were able to find two hidden containers . One avoided us , probably placed it was in tall weeds and big pipes . I was no help with this one . The footing was too " iffy . " June 24 , 2015 - - - Idaho Falls to Walmart in Nampa , Idaho . We left at 6 : 30 this morning , with the same arrangement as yesterday . We stopped at Jerome , Idaho . Bill took time to do our laundry - - - two weeks worth . We have been too busy hiding from tornados and traveling to keep up with the mundane chores of life . Our goal for tonight was to get to Caldwell , Idaho . We were able to park at Walmart , but in Nampa instead of Caldwell . After dinner , we went geocaching . We found three and left one unclaimed . I think we have found 27 since we left Loveland . It is good to get back out on the hunt after being out of it for so long . I am still having trouble walking a lot , so we pick and choose the caches we go after . We enjoyed our drive across this part of Idaho . It is obvious that not much rain has fallen here as in other place , but the crops are very green because of irrigation . There is so much contrast between the green fields and the brown places that are not getting any water . June 23 , 2015 - - - Billings , Montana to Walmart , Idaho Falls , ID . We left Billings at 6 : 30 , with Bill in the driver 's seat and me still asleep in the bed . We continued on I - 90 - to Bozeman . We can 't remember every having been to Bozeman before . It was a nice little city with lots of shopping . We took Hwy . 84 to Hwy . 287 , going through the little towns of McAllister , Ennis , Cameron , and Hutchins Ranch . We had meant to take Hwy . 191 , south , but for some reason , we got on Hwy . 287 . It turned out to be a good mistake . The drive was beautiful as we drove along the Madison River . There was very little traffic . We took the Hwy . 87 cutoff which took us over the Continental Divide and past Henry 's Lake . The Continental Divide is also the state line between Montana and Idaho . We pulled of the road to enjoy the view , parked next to two people and their bicycles . For fear of sending them into a state of shock with our honking and shouting , we whispered . It just wasn 't the same ! Hwy . 20 went on into Idaho Falls , where we parked at Walmart . After resting , shopping , and eating dinner , we went geocaching . We found four caches , all of them fairly easy to find . Today 's Travel Totals : miles traveled , 349 - - - geocaches found , 4 - - - June 22 , 2015 - - - Medora , ND . to Sam 's Club , Billings , Montana This morning , at 8 : 00 , we left the campground . I wasn 't feeling well , so most of our departure was up to Bill . After stopping at a Rest Area to eat our breakfast , I went back to bed and slept for an hour or two . For lunch I had cheese and crackers . My stomach tolerated it OK . Before leaving Roosevelt Park , we saw a huge buffalo enjoying his fresh green breakfast . He was all by himself as far as we could tell . We certainly haven 't seen the herds of buffalo that we saw several years ago when we were here . The big guy we saw this morning was very near the Prairie Dog Town . Maybe they keep him from getting too lonely . After getting on I - 90 , it wasn 't too long before we greeted Montana . We drove past miles and miles of ranch land . It was very pretty . When we got to farm land , it was green and pretty , also . We went through pine tree forests . . . impressive . The variety of landscape made the trip enjoyable . We found Sam 's Club , filled the coach with diesel and parked for the day . This was a long day of driving for Bill . We went into Sam 's and shared a piece of pizza . Each of us started a cup of ice cream , but put most of it in the freezer . After a quick trip to Walmart , we went in search of a cache . It was well hidden , but we found it quickly . We weren 't so lucky on the second one . We were soon back at the MH and settled in for the night . June 21 , 2015 - - - Theodore Roosevelt National Park , Medora , ND . A storm was brewing this morning . . . strong winds , and dark clouds . As the day went on , there were tornado warnings accompanied by lightening and thunder , but nothing serious ever developed . We stayed home all day . Bill talked to some of the neighbors , but I didn 't go out of the MH at all . Some people said there was a buffalo eating lunch just in back of of our motorhome , but we didn 't see it . Neighbors from Florida came to visit . They aren 't full timers like we are , but they want to be . They have lots of questions that need to be answered I worked on Brent 's " Oregon Ducks Quilt . " It is the first time I have worked on it since the first part of December . I am just about finished with the outer edge . I still have the quite a lot of straight lines to do . It isn 't hard to do , but it it takes time . Just the fact that I felt like working on it is an improvement . June 20 , 2015 - - - Theodore Roosevelt National Park , Medora , ND . This was a bright , sunny day in North Dakota . We went into Medora just before lunch . We found one cache . It was muddy in the area , so Bill found a dry spot for me to wait while he went about 25 feet further to find the cache . It was up under a bridge . After finding the cache , we went into Medora to an ice cream parlor for lunch . The servings were big , but the ice cream was so - so . I guess having any kind of ice cream for lunch shouldn 't come with any complaints . And I didn 't leave any in my cup , so it must of been ok . It was nap time when we got home . We didn 't accomplish much more the rest of the day ! Rest and relaxation was what we needed most . June 19 , 2015 - - - Spearfish , SD to Theodore Roosevelt National Park , Medora , ND . Happy Birthday , Brent ! We hope you had a wonderful day ! I spent most of the morning at my desk . I had some things to mail to Lori and Mario , and JP and Rosie . It has been on my " To Do " for way too long . Now I can get it marked off . That is always a good feeling . We found a place to get hamburgers while we were in town . There were no fast food places in the whole town , but there was a locally owned burger joint . Their burgers were very good , and so were the fries . While we were sitting at an outdoor table , we told a lady about Geocaching . She was intrigued and ask a lot of questions . We told her there was a cache hidden about two blocks away and would she like to go with us to find it . She was so excited . We won 't every know if she will get into the sport , but she had a good time today ! We went back to the MH to rest . The warm weather and lots of walking just about did me in . At 4 : 30 , park rangers came to tell us that a tornado was headed headed toward the campground . Oh , great ! Three days and two tornado . Yikes ! We had very high winds and some hard rain , but that 's all ! We took Hwy . 85 north to Buffalo . After eating lunch and getting fuel , we continued our journey . Before long we crossed into North Dakota . Since there were very few people around , we made a lot of noise . It was the noisiest " State Line Celebration " we have had in a long , long time . We stayed on Hwy . 85 until we got to I - 94 . We turned west until we got to the town of Medora . That was the South entrance of Theodore Roosevelt National Park . We went looking for a camping spot . Every available space was full or reserved . We continued to drive through the campground several times . Finally , luck was on our side . A camping site had opened up and we were there to take advantage of it . At this point , we had been searching for almost two hours . Today 's Travel Totals : miles traveled , 215 - - - critter sightings , lots of antelope and a herd of wild horses . We woke up to a blue sky day . At 10 : 00 , we set off for some geocaching . The first two we found were at a sports complex . The next two were in small neighborhood parks . They were all fairly easy to locate . When we got back home , it was time to rest . At 4 : 00 , Ed and Ginny came over with snacks and chairs . We sat under a tree and visited . An hour after the misquitos chased us back into our RVs , Ginny called to say our area was under a sever weather alert and they might take refurge in their daughter 's basement and we could go with them . I said if the went for cover to let us know . Ten minutes later she called back and said we should get to a safer place . We were in the basement for over two hours . We had high winds and lightening . Some of the strikes were right over us . I was glad Hapa wasn 't with us . We also had rain and some small hail . Friends from the area called and said a tornado was spotted in our area . We couldn 't see anything from our hiding place . Maybe we will get a weather report tomorrow . June 16 , 2015 - - - Ed and Ginny 's house in Spearfish , SD . Bill and I went into Spearfish to do so errands this morning . I needed a Rx filled at Walmart . We left it there and went to lunch . KFC has a buffet and that is one of my favorite places to eat . At a buffet , I can eat what I want and leave the rest for others . KFC has great coleslaw , so I got extra of that . I only had one biscuit and two extra crispy wings . Peach cobbler rounded out my meal . After returning to Walmart for my Rx refill , we went to the Post Office . I mailed a birthday card to Brent and got some shipping supplies . I have a couple of things that need to be mailed to California . Now maybe I will be able to mark that chore off my list . I was very tired when we got back home , so I took time for a nap . Tomorrow , we are going geocaching with Ed and Ginny . We introduced them to the sport when we were here several years ago . This is a beautiful part of the country . I really wanted to solve my picture problems so I could share photos from this area , but I haven 't been successful . Lori has tried to help me , but I am still " stuck . " Perhaps I will send her a few pictures to forward on for me . Not long after leaving Rapid City , we went through Sturgis . That is the town that hosts a motorcycle gathering ever year . This is the 75th year for it and they are expecting a million people to attend . Wow , what a party ! We got to Ginny and Ed 's house in time for lunch and some " catch up " visiting We don 't see them often , but we talk on the phone a couple of times a year . We met them at an RV gathering in Mexico . When it came time to go across to San Fillipi they ask if they could follow us . Of course we said " yes " and we 've been friends ever since . One time when we were driving north out of Tucson I called them to see if we could see them in Casa Grande . They said they were traveling north . We discovered they were about two miles ahead of us . They pulled into a Rest Area and waited for us . We had a nice visit in a rather unusual meeting place . June 14 , 2015 - - - Elks Lodge to Cabela 's in Rapid City , SD We wanted to watch the NASCAR race , but we had to vacate our camping spot . We drove to Menard 's and parked in their lot . We thought the owner of all the Menard 's stores wouldn 't mind since he sponsors his son racing a NASCAR car . For those of you in other parts of the country , Menard 's is like Home Depot or Lowe 's . Years ago , we saw our first Menard 's somewhere in the Carolinas . We went in to see what the store was like and were surprised to find a Krispy Kreme donut shop just inside the front door . That was a great idea because most people like a cup of coffee and a donut . The place that morning was very busy ! The race today was from Michigan . It was delayed several times because of rain . The track would have to be dried before the race could continue . Today 's Totals : geocaches , 2 June 13 , 2015 - - - Elks Lodge , in Rapid City , SD This was a big day for me . I drove the car for about 3 / 4 mile . That may not seem like a big deal to some of you , but it is the first time I 've been behind the wheel in months . For those of you who know me and know how important it is for me to have the independence that driving gives me , will understand how hard on me this has been . Today 's Totals : geocaches , 1 . . . critter sightings , 1 rabbit . I saw a lady bug walking across our windshield , but Bill said I couldn 't count that as a critter sighting . I think he made a new rule without a vote from the majority . . . ME . June 12 , 2015 - - - Chadron , NE to Cabela 's in Rapid City , SD We left the Walmart parking lot at 9 : 40 . Twenty minutes later we crossed into South Dakota . Of course there was a great celebration because this is our state of residence . It really didn 't feel like old home week , though . When we got to Rapid City , we parked at Cabela 's , and set off to do some errands . Our first stop was KFC for lunch . The last time we were here for lunch . an old Indian woman came to me and ask if she could have any of my food that I couldn 't eat . She must of been hungry , because she cleaned my plate , using my utensils . At the time I wasn 't eating very much so she had a good meal . She even chewed on the bones I had eaten . When we got ready to leave , she thanked me for the dinner . She wasn 't there today , but I often think of her and wish I had bought her more food . Our girls and I call that a " blessings check . " Think about it ! Before going back to the MH , we went to our mail forwarding service to get our mail . We only had two things . . . from the IRS . And it was all good news . . . approval of what I sent and a refund . That was a first for us in a long time . We found a US Bank and deposited it before the Feds could change their minds . We went to the Visitors Center and found a cache . It took us quite a while to find it . Bill gave up and sat on a bench to rest . I continued the search and called him over when I spotted it . It was under a bush . I am feeling better , but not good enough to crawl around on the muddy ground . June 11 , 2015 - - - Torrington , WY to Chadron , NE I can tell I am out of practice writing my blog when we are traveling . I completely forgot to finish the day with Travel Totals . I will catch now . . . miles traveled , 140 . . . geocaches , 5 . . . critter sightings , 12 camels , a bunch of buffalo , and 12 or 14 wild turkeys . Not long after leaving Torrington , we crossed into Nebraska ( Honk , honk ! Yahoo ! ) . This is a road we can 't remember having been on . We drove out of cattle country and into farmland . To the south we could see mesas or bluffs that looked like mountains with the tops sliced off . We passed through the town of Scottsbluff and thought maybe it was named after the terrain to the south . During the night , we had lots of rain . This morning , dark clouds are hanging over this area . We miss having weather news from the Denver TV stations . Bill will have to get use to using the Internet to get our information . We had meant to travel north out of Torrington , to Lusk , before going east into South Dakota . Our plans changed after talking to a " local " who told us that the bridge was washed out in a flood . Bill remembered the bridge being tall . The " local " said in a flood , a house washed down the river and ran into the bridge . Bill called WYDOT to see if a way was built around it yet . His answer was " No . " So we changed our plans . Soon after going through Scottsbluff , we turned north on Hwy . 385 toward Chadron . The road went through farmland and a very pretty forest . Before we arrived in Chadron , we were back in farm land . It was raining when we parked at Walmart . By the time we ate lunch and rested , the weather had improved enough that we could go on the hunt . . . geocaching , that is . We found three ! June 10 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . We left Michelle 's house just after 9 : 00 this morning . There was a fine mist in the air . The temperature was 68 ° when we crossed from Colorado into Wyoming . Bill did a good job of honking and I haven 't lost my ability to " yahoo . " Just after crossing the state line we saw a field with 12 camels in it . They were enjoying the thick grass , thanks to the rain we have had lately . There was also a feed lot filled with buffalo . Not long after going through Cheyenne on I - 25 , we turned onto Hwy . 85 . It cut through ranch land on the way to Torrington . We stopped at a Rest Area for lunch and some rest time for Super Driver . When we got to Torrington , we checked into a small campground . It was the only camping facility with a dump and we had really full holding tanks . After taking care of that chore , we looked on the Internet to see if there were any geocaches in this town . It had been several months since we had gone hunting for caches , so it was kind of like starting from scratch . By the end of the afternoon , and locating five caches , it began to feel familiar again . Some of the grass at the parks presented a challenge to me , but I made it OK , with no falls . Maybe we will build up some strength as we do more of the caches . As we were going from one cache to another , we had to stop for a flock of wild turkeys to cross the road . There were 12 or 14 of them . All of them were full grown . We didn 't see any babies . June 9 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . Our plans for today were to leave Michelle 's driveway at about 11 : 00 . It didn 't happen ! I had several tasks that still needed to be done . Bill had some , also . Since his chores involve way more energy than any of mine , he was in need of a nap . When he got up he was still so tired he said he didn 't think he wanted to drive the motorhome . That was fine with me . We are not in any particular hurry , so we will see what tomorrow brings . This is the warmest day we have had . Bill turned our air conditioner on for the first time in a long , long time . I hope to get a walk in later when things cool off a bit . At 8 : 00 , we were hit by a strong wind . The trees were taking a beating . Dark clouds rolled in . We haven 't seen a weather report so we don 't know what is headed this way . June 8 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . At 9 : 15 , I went to see Dr . Green , my cardiologist . He was pleased with the progress I have made . He wants me to keep walking as much as I can . We talked about signs of stress on my heart , and what I needed to do in case of trouble . I really like him and will follow through as well as I can . Meredith took the day off from work and went to hear what the doctor had to say . She has a much better memory than either Bill or I have . I went home with her . We spent some time in the yard with the dogs . Lindsey , my visiting nurse , called . She came for her last visit . I feel so fortunate to have had two great helpers in my recovery program . They are now great friends and I will miss both of them . Joshua , Connor , and Matthew brought Tippy over and we all went for a walk on one of the trails by Boyd Lake . It was rough going with my walker , but I took time to rest frequently . Connor stayed with me ever step of the way . We went to an area where the dogs could get in the water . They had a really good time . When it was time for us to leave , Meredith and Tippy went back to Meredith 's house , got the van , and drove back on the road to get me . I didn 't think I could make it over the rocky road again . It was well past lunch time when we got back . We left the dogs at Meredith 's for well deserved naps , and drove to the tiny town of Mead . One of our favorite BBQ places is there . . . The Brick House . The food was excellent . Everyone , including Natalia , met for dinner at Michelle 's . There was a lot of laughter , as usual , around the table . Our family doesn 't lack for hilarity . Before I went back to the motorhome , I said " goodbye " to each person . We will miss them when we leave , but we are very anxious to get on the road again . June 7 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . This morning , we went out for breakfast with Meredith and Dwaine . There is a restaurant next door to Origins , that has been open for about three months , I think . They serve breakfast and lunch only . It serves a lot of people , but is short on amenities . We had our name on the list for at least half an hour before we were seated . They were fairly fast getting our food to us . It was interesting how the food was put on the plate . . . " browns , " topped with a huge biscuit , and thick gravy . Maybe we have had things stacked like that at Waffle House , but I can 't remember . We all had large servings and went out with take home boxes . As crowded as we were , we didn 't feel rushed . It was nice to visit with our kids . It will be awhile before we see them , except at the wedding in August . We may all be so busy we won 't count that as a " visit . " Michelle worked in the yard all day today . She planted flowers and tomatoes and I don 't know what else . In the front flower bed , by the little light pole , a beautiful white flower is blooming . I will try my luck at sending a picture of it . Yes , I am still having a hard time sending pictures ! Gee whiz ! More bad luck tonight . Ugh ! June 6 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . Happy Birthday , Sara . Already 15 years old . My , where has all the time gone ? Our friend , Sheila , filled me in on Portland 's new craze to live up to its motto , Keep Portland Weird . The city budget can 't keep up with the endless potholes in the many streets . So the currant fad is for locals to go out with a bag of potting soil and some small potted flowers . They fill the potholes with soil and plant the small colorful pots of flowers . . . instant mini gardens in the middle of the streets . Vehicles carefully drive around the mini gardens and the whole city is enjoying the joke and the fun . Sheila says , " Where else but in Portland . " This fad is fitting , especially now during the Rose Festival . Michelle , Ron , and Connor came back from Grand Junction this afternoon . They were all very impressed with the college that Connor plans to attend . He was able to meet the track coach and was very impressed with the program . All and all , it was a successful trip . Michelle and I went for a short walk . Tippy was a good boy as we walked . He got very excited when he saw a robin hopping across a yard . He nearly went into pointer stance . We wish we knew more about his lineage . June 5 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . Our weather report said we would have rain by noon today . Sure enough , at 11 : 50 rain started to fall . . . right on time . We will have to wait and see what is predicted later on . The tornado that hit about 10 miles south of Loveland yesterday , damaged 15 homes , I think . There were no fatalities . That 's a good report . Tornados haven 't been mentioned today . Our rain this morning lasted for 1 1 / 2 hours , then things kind of cleared off . Bill and i , along with Tippy , went for a short walk . Tippy is getting very good on a leash . I , on the other hand , had a difficult time making it back to the starting line . . . aka the motorhome . We went to Freddy 's to eat hamburgers . Natalia told us about eating there , and compared as " close to In - N - Out . " Matthew said he had eaten there and didn 't think it was any good . It was our choice , so that was where we were going . I don 't remember any hugh sighs coming from the back seat . After eating there , Bill and I don 't have any worries about them being competition for In - N - Out . Some of you may remember that Bill and I lived on the north coast of Oregon before we moved into our motorhome 17 years ago . We lived about 18 miles from Astoria , which is on the Columbia River . I seem to remember Astoria was always doing " crazy " things . If you want proof , click onto http : / / gizmodo . com / fake - orca - is - impressively - bad - at - being - a - fake - orca - 1709378880 Natalia came at 12 : 00 . We went to Cracker Barrel for lunch . When JP and Natalia were traveling with us in the summers , it was one of our favorite places to eat . Cracker Barrel was always on our list of places to eat . Today , it was very difficult to decided what we wanted to eal . Natalia finally chose ribs and Bill went for the Thursday Special . . . turkey and dressing . I stuck with one of my all time favorites . . . chicken and dumplings . We all made good choices , enjoying what we ordered . While we were in the area of CB , we went by a speciality shop where Lori had some handmade items for sale . We collected the things and left . It was a busy time and we didn 't hang around too long . Naps were on the schedule for all of when we got back home . I had an appointment at 3 : 45 to get my hair cut and curled . I went into the house . as soon as we got back home . Hapa and Joey had come for a visit with Tippy . It had begun to rain . The dogs needed to go outside to get some of the wiggles out , but it wasn 't to be . We had hail with the rain , plus wind and lots of noise with all the thunder and lightening . We stayed in the house and listened to the weather reports . Berthed had torodados touching the ground . We haven 't heard anything about damage yet . The rain and lightening continued until bedtime . Posted by June 3 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House in Loveland , CO . Today started off with just a few clouds , but with warnings of possible tornados . Denver was in the " line of fire . " I don 't know if there are warning sirens here or not . When we were last at Brent 's , the sirens went off and Brent said we should all take cover in his house . We did , but everything turned out OK . Natalia came for a visit . She saw a pineapple on our counter . I said we had had it for a couple of week , but I hadn 't felt like dealing with it . She said she had just seen a program on how to cut them . I asked her is she would like to practice on our pineapple . She made quick work of it and did a wonderful job . Thank you , Natalia , for your help ! Michelle called that she was on her way back from Golden . Soon after she called , we were hit by a terrible storm . . . lightening and thunder , strong winds and hail . When the hail would hit the grass . it would pop up about nine inches . It looked like popcorn . It was very interesting . Bill and I went to Walmart this morning . There weren 't too many things on our list , but we had to go from one end of the store to the other . I was extremely tired by the time we got back to the car . This is the warmest day we have had in a long , long time . That may be the reason I have been more tired than in the past few weeks . Bill would blame it on the altitude , but I don 't use that excuse . Bill and Joshua went to get pizza for dinner tonight . This was a good day to have easy " fixins . " Michelle has a one day show in Golden , CO tomorrow . This is the first time she has had a " mini " show . Dave , the company engineer who lives in Windsor , will be at the show also . David came later today than ever before . It was too warm to walk this afternoon , but by the time we left the house at about 7 : 30 , it was cooler . It was a very pleasant evening to be out . However , before we got back home , it was dark and the mosquitoes were having a feast . Tonight was the last time I will have David for PT . He has been really fun to work with and I have made a lot of progress because of him . He is really great ! We have become good friends and I will miss him . Both he and Lindsey have become good friends ! They have been a major reason I have made such good progress . June 1 , 2015 - - - Michelle 's House Another month has rolled by . Gad zooks ! The sky was clear this morning . That 's a good way to start a new month . However , I doubt that it will last . The " weather guessers " are calling for rain several days this week . Ugh ! Lindsey came this morning . We had told her about Geocaching . She and her husband , Joe , found two caches hidden in the Estes Park area . Good for them . We probably won 't get to cache with them this summer because , hopefully , we are leaving the Loveland area next week . But we will certainly try to get with them when we come back this way . Natalia , Bill , and I went out to lunch today . She wanted to go to Dairy Delight . She went there with some of us last summer , but hadn 't been since they opened for this season . Bill had never eaten there . Since there aren 't In - N - Outs in this part of the country , the Dairy Delight will have to take its place for Colorado . There weren 't any tables available inside so we took our hamburgers to one of the picnic tables outside . That was OK until rain started to fall . We just can 't avoid it , can we ? |
We noticed that you 're using an unsupported browser . The TripAdvisor website may not display properly . We support the following browsers : Windows : Internet Explorer , Mozilla Firefox , Google Chrome . Mac : Safari . We 're at the Hyatt . We 're very impressed . They can 't do enough for us and the room is very updated and plush . We got such a good price too . The room was only $ 89 . 00 and we are leaving our car here and taking a shuttle at 10 : 00 tomorrow to the airport . We 're watching Fox news on our wide screen TV now . We are in Virgin Gorda after the most perfect day . Everything went better than we expected . After a great breakfast at the Hyatt , the shuttle brought us to the airport . We easily went through security grabbed some lunch at one of several places at the Spirit Airlines gate . The plane arrived on time . The flight looked full but as they closed the doors , we noticed 3 empty seats . So the guy at the end of our row moved over and Tom and I had an empty seat between us . What a break ! Our flight scheduled to arrive at 3 : 40 , arrived early in ST . Thomas . So we had a slight hope we might make the earlier 4 : 00 direct ferry to Virgin Gorda . ( If we missed this ferry we would need to take a later ferry going to Tortola , wait two hours and catch a ferry from Tortola to Virgin Gorda ) . We picked up our luggage and went out to where the taxis are lined up . We were directed to a van that was taking people to the ferry docks . We shared the van with a family from Virgin Gorda . They were also trying to catch the 4 : 00 direct ferry . They were very friendly and were sure we would be on time for the ferry . When we got out of the van , it looked like the ferry was ready to leave . The man directing the ferry said they couldn 't wait for us . But , the father of the family told him he had plenty of time and to let us board . So , we boarded and had a fairly rocky ride to Virgin Gorda . We went through customs and when we came out we needed to find a phone to call the people from our apartment because we had arrived earlier than they expected us . Tom talked to a cop and he directed us to a guy near a van who was the manager of Bayview Apartments . His truck was full so he called his wife Nora she was there to pick us up in 10 minutes . She is very nice and took us to the grocery store to pick up food for breakfast . It was so kind of her . She also pointed out several places to eat on our way to the apartment Our apartment is very basic but OK and has everything we need . It 's very clean so we are happy . We walked to a nearby restaurant called the Bath and Turtle and had a very good dinner . We came back and unpacked and are watching TV . We have a flat screen but it 's only 19 " . It 's better than having none , so it will do . At least we have good WiFi . Yesterday was very busy . It was so wonderful to spend Mother 's Day here . We had breakfast on one of our decks and waited for our rental car to be delivered . We rented from Mahogany Car Rentals . They were prompt and courteous and delivered a good jeep . We drove back over to the little grocery store called Buck 's , located near the ferry dock and got some supplies . Then we drove to Savannah Bay beach . We had a little trouble finding the road down to the beach . We have maps that aren 't very detailed and directions I gathered from people on the Internet . They aren 't very exact or they contradict each other . But , we found it at after several tries . The roads here are wonderful . They are all paved and well kept . So , sorry I won 't have any funny pot hole comments from Tom as I did on so many other islands we have visited . After leaving the main road , the drive to the beach was dirt and had some potholes however . Thankfully it was a short road . But , since Tom has had so much experience with dirt roads , he did very well . We were told that most of the time the beach doesn 't have any people but since it was Sunday , several local families were there . They had a party with many people and we enjoyed the music they played on huge speakers . We had the snorkeling all to ourselves because the people stayed at the party . The snorkeling was only fair . It was very sunny and there was no shade . We had a beach umbrella but the winds were strong and kept blowing it over . We had lunch on the beach . Tom did some fishing but didn 't catch anything . An Islander came by and told him about a type of bait he should use . The man went over to the rocks and brought back these slimy looking worm type things and ate one and gave the rest to Tom . After talking to us for a while he asked if he could have a beer . Tom only had the one he was drinking , so the guy then asked for a couple dollars so he could buy a beer . So , Tom gave him the money . It was an interesting experience . We spent the rest of the afternoon there . Tom got sunburn on his feet and I 'm slightly burned on the back of my legs and arms from snorkeling too long . I ' l have to wear long pants and long sleeved shirts to snorkel the next few days . It 's embarrassing to be dress in that outfit . But , I won 't let anything stop me from enjoying snorkeling , my favorite activity . We went to a resort called Leverwick 's . It was across the mountains and the roads were very steep in parts . The resort was located at the bottom of a mountain road . The road wound around a long distance to the bottom of the mountain . I had my first Bushwhacker cocktail before dinner . It 's very much like the best chocolate milk shake you ever had . We had the most wonderful dinner . Tom had the best steak he has had in years and I had Shrimp Alfredo , made with colossal shrimp . It was rich , delicious and wonderful . Of course by the time we left it was dark and so we had some trouble finding the road home . On our first try we took a wrong turn and ended right back where we started . ( Very funny . We had better luck the second time but it was still a little tense . We worried a little bit because we passed several cookouts with people partying along the road . But , with God 's protection , we made it home safe and very tired . We watched a video on our little TV and went to bed . Today we had a relaxing morning . We did some things on the computer and went for groceries ( yes , again ) . We checked out a store called Super Value because someone said they are better stocked and cheaper . We didn 't find half the things we needed so we went back to Buck 's store were we shopped before . By the time we got back we were hungry for lunch . So , we ate lunch on our deck . Then we grabbed our gear and headed to Spring Bay National Park . We read that we could park close to the beach . However , we started down a trail and walked , and walked and still didn 't see the beach . So , we returned to the parking lot thinking there much be a road leading down to the beach wouldn 't be so long a walk . ( It 's seems we can 't go anywhere and find something the first time ) . We drove down another road and found nothing but homes . So , we went into a resort and asked . They told us that we had been at the right place the first time and the trail was only a couple of minutes to the beach . So , back we went . We met some people coming back from the beach and they said it was about a 5 - minute trail . We found it to more like 4 minutes of pretty easy walking . We then arrived at the most ideal , beautiful beach . As we came off the trail , there were huge boulders in the water forming several beautiful pools with water gushing in and out in waves . This area is called " The Crawl " . We walked to the left and found another bay . We placed our chairs under the grape trees and went into snorkel . There were boulders on the beach , and in the water and wonderful snorkeling around many rocks that were under the water . The beach was huge with lots of great sand and it was easy to enter the water . We came back about 4 : 30 and showered and went to a recommended place for fried chicken . Of course , we had our usual search for the restaurant . There was no sign on the restaurant . The chicken and fries were good but only slightly warm . It would have been better if it was either hot or cold . Even the fries were not hot . We walked next door to a little shop called " Yum Yum " and had wonderful ice cream for dessert . ( Can 't you tell we are eating so healthy - Not ? We then walked around the harbor plaza . We came home , watched a video on our small TV and went to bed . After breakfast we went to the little shopping plaza where Buck 's grocery store is located . We wanted to find Dive BVI to arrange a snorkel trip They told us that they go out every day to many of the islands around here . Some of the trips go in the afternoon and are for both divers and snorkelers . I have heard of some wonderful snorkel sports that are only accessed by boat . We decided to book for later in the week . I hope that my sunburn would be gone so I wouldn 't have to dress in full garb . We came back and got ready to go to Mountain Trunk Bay near Nail Bay Resort . We actually found the road to the bay without trial and error this time . We drove down a narrow steep winding road and at the end there was parking for 2 cars . Fortunately , we were the only ones there at the time . If there wouldn 't have been room , we wouldn 't have been able to turn around and we would have had to drive backwards up the road to get out . Tom and I snorkeled for an hour . It was the most beautiful coral garden we have ever seen . The coral was a multitude of types and very high and colorful . Also we saw many , many fish , including squid . It was excellent . We ate lunch and I went back in for another 3 hours while Tom relaxed and read his book . A guy came over to talk to him ( Tom thinks he 's a people magnet and I agree ) . This guy was off a rented catamaran and he told Tom all about visiting several islands around the area . His captain was someone who wrote a popular book on the BVI ' S . We stayed about another hour , came back home , showered and went for dinner . It was " all you can eat rib night " at the MineShaft Restaurant . We got there with only a little back tracking . The restaurant is located on an upper deck and has 360 degree views of the mountains and water all around . We had a seat on the outer edge of the outdoor deck with views of the sunset . As we looked down , we could see a tall Poinciana tree all in bloom . As it began to get darker , chickens and roasters flew up into the branches of the tree to roost for the night . They hassled each other for space and it was fun to watch . Our meal was very good . We came home and watched a video on our tiny TV . We followed directions to a road that went into a grouping of houses , parked in a 2 space parking area along the street and followed directions to a trail . The trail had steps going down to Little Trunk Bay . It 's a beautiful deserted beach but not good for snorkeling . We walked to the other side of the beach and found a rope hanging down from some boulders . I had read that some people who were 63 had climbed the rope and it was no problem so I thought , " Well if they did it at 63 , certainly we can do it at 68 " . Well it was a challenge , especially since I was carrying a small cooler and a 6 - pound fold up sun umbrella and Tom was carrying what he calls a " 50 pound snorkel bag " and 2 small lawn chairs . After climbing up the rope , we discovered that there was another rope to climb . I climbed first and Tom hoisted everything up to me and then he came . It was fun but a little frightening too . I had the thought that it probably would be more difficult coming back but I chose not to think about it too much . We went on through the tropical foliage , climbing over more large stones until we reached an opening to Trunk Bay Beach . It was also deserted with only one house , which was far up on the hill . The beach has beautiful palm trees ringing the edge of a large deep sand covered beach . It was probably the most beautiful beach I have even seen . We found a place under some grape and palm trees for our lawn chairs . The sand was very soft and we sunk into it as we walked down the hill to the water . When we reached the water we realized at separate times that we each forgot some things back by our chairs . So each of us had to struggle all the way back to get what we left behind and come back to the water . It was either senior moments or too much sun . After this exercise , we entered the water . There was some current but not too bad . There were huge boulders under the water and so many fish that we felt like we were in an aquarium . It was so worth the struggle we had to get there ! We snorkeled about 1 1 / 2 hours and came in to eat our picnic lunch . I returned to snorkel more after lunch . I only stayed about another hour or so because quite a few boats pulled into the bay . It was scary because they came very close to where I was snorkeling . Some where speed boats and others were those rubber boats with motors and some catamarans . Tom didn 't have any visitors today . Only 2 people came to shore and he said they probably didn 't see him up in the trees . Later in the afternoon , we packed up for our adventure back to the car . We did fine going down the ropes but as we walked across the second beach ( Little Trunk Bay ) , we realized that back when we first arrived on the beach we had not noticed where the trail came out . After searching a while , we finally found a trail and walked down it only to find we did not recognize anything as it came to an end at a beach . Some people where there and told us we were at the Crawl ( one beach over from where we should be ) . So , we had our retracting experience for the day . We walked all the way back to Little Trunk Bay and luckily found the right trail back to the car . We cooked dinner on the grill tonight . Nora was nice enough to give us a brand new charcoal grill for our use . After eating dinner on our deck , walked a few blocks to Yum Yum 's store and had the most delicious mint chocolate ice cream for the second time . Then we walked around the harbor - as if we need more exercise . We were so tired we both fell asleep trying to watch a video on our tiny TV . I went to bed but Tom got a second wind and stayed up to play solitaire . We woke up to a hard rain this morning . It has cleared some now and so we 'll give the beach a try . But , the forecast isn 't too promising . It had rained through the night and part of the early morning . After the rain stopped , it was cloudy . We decided to try a new beach called Mahoe Bay . I saved it for the near last because it was supposed to have the most fantastic snorkeling . We drove to the Mango Bay Resort , located on the beach and parked in their parking lot . We had a very short walk to a very narrow strip of sand in front of some cottages . We thought we must have the wrong place so we went back to the car and drove up the road to another entrance near some villas . The area in front of the villas had nothing but rock and a long pier . It looked like the coral was right up to the shore so we wouldn 't be able to get into the water . So , we went back to resort . We sat our stuff on the grass on the outer edge of a cottage lawn under some trees . We swam out to the reef area but the water was very cloudy and we didn 't see many fish . After snorkeling around a bit we decided to give it up and go to another beach . A couple of people were walking along the shore . They asked if we were guests of the resort . We said no and they said we were welcome to use the resort facilities because not many people were staying there at the time . They also said the snorkeling is excellent along the rocks , further down the beach . So , we will probably go there again another day . There was a lot of sand up by the cottages and a nice place with many lounge chairs for resort guests . We decided to try Nail Bay again . We love it because they have the lounge chairs under umbrellas and we didn 't have to walk very far from the parking lot . Besides , we knew there is wonderful snorkeling there . First we ate lunch and then I went snorkeling . There was a lot of wave action and it was a little clearer than the last beach but still not good . I didn 't stay very long . After I came in from snorkeling , we relaxed and read our books . About 2 : 30 we left , and came back to shower . We decided to check out some condos we saw on the main road called Old Yard Village . We were very impressed . We went to the office and were given a tour . The rooms were so nice and had everything anyone could want . However , they are more expensive than where we are staying . We then drove to a resort called Little Dix . It 's ranked 7th in the list of best resorts in the Caribbean . We wanted to see what it is like . We walked around the grounds . Even though it was very nice , we weren 't that impressed . The pool was small and we heard the beach is very , very shallow . But , everyone working there was very nice and greeted us warmly . We went back to the Harbor shopping plaza and did some souvenir shopping . We stopped at an outdoor bar for some drinks . It 's located looking out to the sea and we had fun watching the big boats coming in to park at the harbor dock . We did some grocery shopping and came back to The Bayview Inn . For dinner we had good pizza at the Bath and Turtle restaurant and came back to the apartment . I had a lot of trouble staying awake to watch stuff on our tiny TV . I went to bed at 9 : 30 and Tom came later . We had an unplanned day of adventure today . We decided to go to Devil 's Bay near the Baths . The Baths and Devil 's Bay are located next to each other . The trails to each beach begin in the same parking lot . We had a few choices . We heard that Devil 's Bay is more beautiful but harder to get to , and it usually has less people . If we went there , we would have more privacy and good snorkeling . The Baths is more popular . In fact , the cruise people are brought there . We decided to take the trail to Devil 's Bay even though I read that it was considered strenuous . Well they weren 't kidding . It was also long . We estimated it was around a mile and a half . Part was easy walking but there was a lot of climbing over small to medium rocks and huge steps . We came out to a beautiful beach . Only a couple of people were there . We sat up under a grape tree . By the time we were ready to go in the water , about 20 or so people arrived , including our neighbors from the Bayview . Coincidentally , they are also our neighbors in a community next to where we live at home . They have been going to Devil 's Bay almost every day since they came to Virgin Gorda . They told us we should go through the cave to The Baths instead of back up the Devil 's Bay trail . They said it 's much easier . They described it as having some boulders to climb with a rope and some ladders to climb but Pat said that she did it even if she is slow and has trouble doing steps . Since they are close to our age and did it , Tom thought we ( meaning me ) would be fine . Ha . He 's always looking out for me . We went snorkeling . There were quite a few fish and it was lots of fun snorkeling in between the boulders . We snorkeled all the way to the Baths and back . After resting a while we decided to " do the caves " to get to the shorter trail . To understate it , it was a challenge . The cave is made of huge boulders piled on top of each other . We had to squeeze between , bend low under , use ropes to climb across slippery slopes , and go up and down 2 steep ladders . I had to go on my seat across one area because I was afraid to stand up . I crawled across another area and slid down a small platform wedged between the rocks . We made it to the Baths beach but would I ever do it again ? A big NO ! I feel blessed that we made it out without injury . But , it wasn 't over yet . We still had to climb the Baths trail . It wasn 't any easier than the trail to Devil 's Bay , but was shorter by about a third . When we finally got to the top , we went over to a small sandwich shop called Mad Dogs for lunch . We ate on picnic tables on a patio with chickens . Yes , chickens . They run wild on the island . One even came up on the table while we were eating . They brought out a spray bottle of water so we could squirt them away . I dropped a chip and two chickens found it in a second and got in a picking fight over it . It was entertaining - Ha . The sandwiches were very good . This afternoon we went on our boat snorkel with Dive BVI . There were a few divers but mostly snorkelers . We picked up some people at Little Dix resort ( which included their own personal dive person ) and a couple from a sail boat out in the water . We continued quite a ways to a cove near Cooper Island . I was a little disappointed because I wanted to go to another place that I heard had the best snorkeling but it was pretty rough seas and we needed to go to a sheltered place . The snorkeling was good but not great . We did see a few fish we never saw before including a blue trump fish that looked like a long stick with a blue nose . As we came back to the boat we spotted several long silver fish that looked about 5 feet long . We asked about them and the crew brought out a fish book . They think they were they were snapper but Tom doesn 't agree . We 'll need to do more research . Our next adventure was the ride back . We went very fast and it was very rough . Tom wondered if we should have kept our snorkel safety vests on . It was really fun though . We didn 't get back until after 5 . Across from the harbor , the locals were selling meals in a large field . . Our neighbors in the other apartment told us about it before they left the island . They have this event every Friday night and it 's the best Bar - be - cue in town . So we crossed the road in front of the shopping plaza so we could purchase some food . We had a choice of chicken , fish or ribs , rice , potato salad or mac and cheese and a serving of slaw . It was carryout so we brought it home . It was as good as promised and very reasonable in price . We then walked over to YUM - YUM 's ice cream store for more mint chocolate chip ice cream . Today we planned to go to Bitter End Yacht Club Resort for a snorkeling trip . We signed up for the snorkel trip at the dive shop . We hoped to see some of the north sound and the islands while finding good places to snorkel in the area . We had heard that the ferry to the resort leaves on the hour . We planned it so we would be there just before the hour . We drove across the island and when we arrived we were told that there would not be another ferry for 45 minutes . It was just another case of misinformation . We read our books and watched some pelicans catching fish . The ferry arrived and we enjoyed the journey over to the resort . It was not going out until later in the afternoon . It was time for lunch . We ate hamburgers in the restaurant . It began to rain . We found some very , soft comfy lounge chairs under an awning and relaxed . The rain shower was brief . At last it was time for the snorkeling trip . We walked over to the dive shop and were told that we were the only ones going out this afternoon . The person who was to take us out in a boat left to get the boat . We waited and waited . Finally someone at the dive booth got a call saying that they were unable to start the snorkel boat so our excursion was canceled . We were very disappointed . We could have snorkeled at the resort but we decided to go back on the next ferry . It was mid afternoon by the time we got back to the ferry dock . We returned to the Bayview . We grilled some salmon on our grill that evening and watched TV and went to bed . Sunday morning was quiet . The island is dead . Almost everyone is in church . We went over to the dive shop to talk about going out for a snorkel tour again . They said they 'd try to arrange something and needed to talk to the captain and also see if more people sign up . Since we don 't have a personal phone , we needed to come back later in the morning to find out if they were going out . We decided to go around town and take some pictures . And Tom wanted to find our car rental company to see if we could keep the car to use it to go to the ferry dock when we leave tomorrow morning . The people that own our rental apartment will take us but since we need to be at the ferry dock at 6 : 30 , we hate to impose on them . Well , it was very interesting trying to find the car company . We asked for directions twice and the local people we very helpful . But , it became too difficult and we decided to call them from Nora 's phone on the office . Our snorkel trip was wonderful . We picked up some people at Little Dix again . We went to Great Dog coral gardens . Great Dog is one of several Dog islands that are grouped together . They got their name from pirates because there heard noises that sounded like dogs barking , when they neared these islands . As time went by some pirates decided that they would investigate because they thought these islands would make good hiding places for their loot . They discovered that the barking was from monkeys living on the islands . They hunted them for meat and now they are extinct . The snorkeling was fantastic ! I spotted a nurse shark , sitting on the bottom . I didn 't know what it was until one of the boat crew identified it . That is one reason we loved going with this boat crew . They actually get in the water with us to show us things . They are very friendly and call us by name , serve us water , clean and defog our masks and cameras . Plus their boat is designed for very easy exit and entry for snorkeling . I 'd go with them again if we had more time here . Oh , we also saw something called a Spanish Dancer . It looked like a piece of coral floating in the water . It 's black with orange spots and leaf like . It twists and turns and flutters itself . Our guide said it 's very rare and she has been on over 500 dives and it was the first time she has seen it . Tonight we went to a local bakery to buy a roasted chicken . It was recommended on the Internet . It was located down a no name road , had no sign and looked like any other building . But , fortunately , we had good directions and even a picture of the building . The guy is a baker and only opens after 6 : 00 PM . and closes at 11 : 00 PM . He makes bread and pastries also . The chicken was very good but we didn 't care for the sauce he used . This was our last day in Virgin Gorda . It had rained all night and was still raining when we got up . This was our first all day rain of the trip . Thankfully , it came at the end of our trip , after we had managed to get in everything we wanted to do . We relaxed , read and played on the computer . Then we did a little packing . Around noon , the rain had stopped and the sky was beginning to clear . We ate lunch and packed up to go back to Mango Bay Resort . We didn 't have a good experience the first time we went here so we wanted to give it another try . When we got there we noticed a dark cloud over the mountain . We had just begun to unload our stuff when it started sprinkling . The sky looked even more ominous from when we arrived . We grabbed everything and ran for the car . We waited in the car for about a half - hour but the rain never stopped . We went back home . At least we did get to see Mahoe Bay and Mango Bay Resort . The rain continued off and on for the remainder of the afternoon . We repeated our relaxing that we started in the morning . We did a little more packing and watched a video on our tiny TV . I couldn 't stay awake to watch much so we both went to bed early . Tomorrow we must rise early to catch the 6 : 30 ferry to St . Thomas . Neither of us slept very well . We were both worried that the alarm clock would fail . We got up before it went off . It was good that we woke up early because it took us longer to get ready than we had planned . We didn 't eat breakfast because we planned to eat in ST . Thomas . We drove the car down to the dock and left the keys in the ashtray , and locked the car as requested by Mahogany Car Rental . Surprisingly , there were quite a few people going on the ferry with us . They were mostly locals . It was a beautiful day and the sea was calmer than our trip over to Virgin Gorda . We arrived in port and Tom said , " This looks like a different town and so I don 't think it 's St . Thomas . I think we 're on a different island . " He asked someone one and they told us we were at Tortola . Sure enough , we had to get off the ferry and go into a building to pay a British Virgin Island departure tax . So we paid , went through a minor security check and got back on the ferry . As we continued on our journey , a worker came to each of us to tell us we would be making another stop to pick up more passengers because on of the ferry 's broke down . So , we went to West End in Tortola and picked up quite a few people . We arrived in ST . Thomas around 8 : 00 . As we got off the ferry , someone from the Taxi Company asked where we were going . Tom told him we needed to get to the airport for a 4 : 00 flight . He showed us where to put our luggage and told us to be back at 2 : 00 to take the taxi to the airport . We took a 10 - minute walk into town and found a cute breakfast place , overlooking the water . We then walked around town and bought a few items but not expensive jewelry . There was only one cruise ship in town so the stores were pretty empty . Around 11 : 00 we found a charming bar located in the center of an alleyway . There was no one at the bar . Tom asked the bartender if he made Bushwhackers . He told him that he made excellent Bushwhackers . So , I ordered one and Tom had a Bloody Mary . Before long two young couples sat down at the bar . The women asked what I was drinking . The bartender asked if they wanted a taste . After tasting it , 3 of them ordered one . Pretty some more people came . I guess we started something good . We walked around some more . We came across a camera shop . Tom and I had talked about getting a good underwater camera for me . The one I have doesn 't take very good pictures and we had a lot of trouble with it . The sales person let me take the cameras outside to look at the screen in the sunlight . I liked the Cannon but the salesperson wouldn 't give us a deal . Later on we found another camera shop called Royal Caribbean . The salesperson was very knowledgeable . He told us the price on the camera and it was the same price that Tom had bargained for in the other store . So we bought it . We found a cute little place for lunch and then began our walk back to the ferry dock to get our luggage and take a cab to the airport . We found an ice cream place on the way and sat at a little table to eat . Again , there was no one else getting ice cream but we drew in several people . We were a little early to go to the airport but we went anyway . It was good that we did because it was very busy and we had to go through customs for the two times . It went pretty fast however . Our neighbors from the next door apartment at the Bayview were there waiting to catch the same plane . We passed time talking with them . Even more surprising , as we looked at our boarding passes we discovered that Pat had a seat next us on the end , and her husband had the seat across the aisle . We got into Lauderdale , got our luggage and called the hotel van . They said he was out on another run and wouldn 't be able to pick us up for 30 to 40 minutes . After 40 minutes Tom called again . They said they were on the way there . We waited about 5 minutes and he arrived . He told us about a restaurant within walking distance of the Hyatt and enthusiastically described some of the food as being exceptional . It is a chain restaurant called J . Alexander 's . So we walked over and the food was excellent . After a good nights sleep , we enjoyed a wonderful breakfast at the Hyatt . They have buffet or for $ 6 . 00 you can order from a menu . The food is prepared and brought out to you . I had some of the best French Toast I have ever had and Tom really enjoyed his eggs . It was another excellent stay . Bayview Apartments were a good place to stay . We enjoy being close to town so we can walk to stores and restaurants . I booked through Nora , the manager at the Bayview . She was very accommodating , and answered all my questions . Before arriving on the island , I asked her if she supplied beach chairs , a cooler and grills . She replied promptly that she did . When we arrived she supplied us with these items . They were newly purchased . She also gave us a DVD to use to watch the movies we brought with us . We are so thankful to her for making our stay so enjoyable . The apartment was large with two bedrooms with in suite bathrooms , a comfortable living room and dining room with a small half bathroom off the living room . The kitchen was supplied with everything we needed . During our 10 - day stay , our room was cleaned once and we were given fresh sheets and towels . We were also supplied with towels for the beach . There is an upstairs deck and a deck off the kitchen . Both decks are under roof . The top deck has chairs and a lounge plus a clothesline . The bottom deck has a table and chairs . We enjoyed many meals and evenings sitting on the lower deck . There was always a moderate to strong breeze to enjoy so there were not any bugs . In fact , we didn 't see any bugs during our entire stay . But , we were glad to have the bedroom air conditioner . It was hot and humid in the bedrooms . We did have a power outage two times while we were there . It affected our air conditioner and the entire apartment next to us . Nora 's husband came immediately and fixed it both times and while we were there an electrician came and fixed the problem causing the outage . Snorkeling , Beaches and Adventure This trip was one of the best snorkeling trips we have taken in a long time . Virgin Gorda was a perfect island for us because it offered very good to great snorkeling , and many different types of beaches . Getting to the beaches was a fun adventure . We really enjoyed going to a different place each day . We found plenty to keep us busy . We enjoy being active . Our snorkel boat trips with Dive BVI were also a highlight . They were reasonable in price and took us to good snorkel sites . Everyone was extremely nice and helpful . We highly recommend them and would have gone out again with them if we had had more time . Next year we are going to ST . John USVI . We are planning to stay at Cruz Views in Cruz Bay . We were there 14 years ago and can 't wait to go back . Thank you to everyone who wrote information on the forum . It was a big help when I planned this trip . Thank you so much for taking the time to write an extraordinary trip report , in fact , one of the best ones I have ever read ! You clearly did your home work before you left and it sounds as though you were well prepared for your trip , but were also flexible enough to " go with the flow , " too . We were on JVD from May 10 - 14 , and then VG from May 14 - 21 , so our time on VG overlapped half of the week . You did a lot of things during your 10 day stay , but it sounds as though you paced yourselves well , and did the things that you wanted to do . I am also glad that you experienced snorkeling at so many terrific places on VG , but sorry that you did not get to experience the best that Mahoe Bay has to offer regarding snorkeling . When it rains a lot , the water can be cloudy from the run off , but it tends to be better a little further out . Mahoe Bay is very shallow along the shore at Mango , but you can carefully navigate the brain corals and other coral close to shore and get in a little deeper water within 10 yards or so from shore . The other way to get to the beach at Mahoe is to drive past Mango Bay Resort , until you come to the villas at Mahoe Bay , just a short distance from Mango - you drove past this area when you drove to Nail . There are several places at Mahoe Bay Resort where you can park on the side of the road and walk down the road and then the walkway to the beach without trespassing on any of the private villa lots . That walk only takes a few minutes . I am also glad to hear you had a pleasant stay at Bayview Apartments ! Nora gave me a helpful tour of Bayview when I was on VG last year . I was very impressed by how pleasant she is and I assumed that she is the type of person who will go out of her way to make certain people staying at Bayview have a great stay on VG . Finally , we learned how to scuba dive with Dive BVI in 2003 , and have dove with a number of dive shops throughout the Caribbean and Fiji since then , but we have become increasingly convinced that Dive BVI is the best dive shop in the Caribbean ! We have both snorkelers as well as divers in our traveling group , and the Dive BVI staff work just as professionally , as well as personally , with snorkelers as they do with divers . Jeff and Casey McNutt run a first class operation all the way , and have an outstanding staff working with them . I am also very glad that you got to experience a snorkel at Coral Gardens , Great Dog Island . I try to encourage everyone I can to go on at least one snorkel trip with Dive BVI to the Dog Islands - they are one of the most pristine spots in the entire Caribbean for diving and snorkeling . You might appreciate this video I took in shallow water toward the end of a dive at Coral Gardens on May 19 at some of the same places where you snorkeled : Know better . Book better . Go better . © 2017 TripAdvisor LLC All rights reserved . Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Cookie consent | Site Map * TripAdvisor LLC is not a booking agent and does not charge any service fees to users of our site . . . ( more ) TripAdvisor LLC is not responsible for content on external web sites . Taxes , fees not included for deals content . 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The day is clear and beautiful as dewdrops still clung to the blades of grass trampled underfoot by the man who walked carelessly along the unmarked path in the dark woods . He is tall and slim - not skinny but pale , as pale as the creamy surface of the moon that sometimes could be seen in the sky during such a beautiful day as this . His long hair fell right below his waist , tied in a ponytail braid without a source of a tie . Loose strands of hair framed his angular yet long face . His eyes are a dreamy deep chestnut tinged with goldenrod streaks . His thin lips curled into a grin as thoughts of joy danced through his head . He walked towards the edge of the dark woods , towards the village but not close to it . His destination is somewhere different than neither the quaint shops of arcane and modern delicacies in the midst of the village nor the huge architectural wonders of the city . He took a turn and walked forward , up a grassy hill that sloped more like the side of a deep cliff instead of a small rounded bump . He soon reached a modest residence that stood alone at the top , its white columns holding together two stories of which were painted bright white but had aged to an almost dirty speckled white where some patches of the house were covered with more dirt than the rest . The house had no windows visible and no entrances or exits save a door that stood in between two post classical columns . Another man , a taller man with blonde hair and flaming green eyes looked at him nervously while tapping an irritated foot against the hardwood floor . " Yes ? " He asked , raising an eyebrow in question of the man on his doorstep . It is nearly dusk now and all around is quiet . No noisy beetles or chirping crickets abounded . The very beginnings of stars appeared overhead along with the moon to light the way for travelers but the house stood motionless . Then the door opened and the man with the long hair walked out , a look of satisfaction plastered on his face as he dragged behind him a huge mahogany box . The door shut itself as the man past and it once more stood still , resembling a sleeping giant . The man walked the same way he had come and through the dark woods he ventured . The night sky changed the shadows of the woods and an eerie dread replaced the look of happiness on the man 's face . He is nervous now , glancing around at every stir within the woods ; beads of sweat started to form on his face as he walked forward . The soft click of a tree branch or an old tree limb that cracked underneath the weight of a passing critter stopped him in his tracks . He stood still and cold , with the passing of the breeze , as a statue in the middle of the dark woods . His eyes scanned his surroundings , terrified of what he should find . A moment passed . Then more and more time passed and no creepy shadow came to pester him . He moved slowly and walked , his pace quickening as if he is silently being chased by some unseen presence . The edge of the box hit against an ancient tree as the man stopped and from behind the tree , pulled out a shovel . The moistness of the dirt made it easy to scoop out and pile beside the roots of the tree . The rain the night before drenched the earth and made it easier for the man to dig deep and fast . It didn 't take very long until he dug enough and seeing that , he laid the shovel against the side of the tree as he shoved the box into the hole . It hit the bottom of the hole with a thud , a soft sound that barely could be heard but was rather felt by the swaying of the contents inside . Reaching down , his fingers gently clasp the silver chain and ran it through thumb and forefinger , feeling the smoothness of the chain . His fingers stopped momentarily to outline the detail of the charm before he caught a glimpse of green . The man with the green eyes stared intently at him , those bright green eyes flaming with anger . The man with the long hair bent down over the box with a casual grin . He bent down closer into the box to unclasp the necklace and as he did so , the man with the green eyes whispered something into his ear . He shrieked back from the box as if in pain and the flames within the green eyes of the man in the box burned into the depths of his soul . He gripped his head in agony and fell onto the ground , gasping for air . It was a moment before it all faded and the man with the long hair stood up once more . He took the necklace and stuffed it into his pocket , a silver necklace with a silver charm . He laughed at the man in the box . The man with the green eyes was tied at the wrists and ankles with heavy rope . Although his mouth was not gagged , he did not speak . He only stared with unblinking eyes . The man with the long hair spat into the box three times , took the shovel and poured dirt back into the box , starting from the foot of the box and working his way up to the face of the man with the green eyes . As he lifted the shovel high in the air , heaping full of rich black earth , he grinned at the man with the green eyes - those flaming green eyes which were all bright and vibrant looked back a lifeless and dull green , cloudy and weary . The man hesitated before tipping the shovel over to pour dirt on top of the man in the box . He heaved dirt back and forth , filling up the box and soon , filling up the hole that he had dug . He patted the earth with the backside of the shovel once his task is finished and smiled to himself ; a hand deep into the inner reaches of his pocket , fingers intertwined with chain and charm . He threw the shovel behind the tree and spat three more times on the freshly buried grave . Satisfied , he began to walk away from the grave , the box , the tree , and the memories of the man with the green eyes . He walked farther and farther until it all disappeared behind him , nothing more than a forgotten memory that is too forgotten to be remembered . He walked until he reached the edge of the woods and saw the shadowed outline of the village ahead . Stepping forward , he is thrown back into the woods by unseen hands . His body throbbed and convulsed until he is so distorted that he did not know which arm was where and which foot was there . The pain spasms down his body from head to toe in great waves of anguish and he cried out horribly . His eyes burned and he longed to dig them out of the sockets if he could find a way to signal a hand to will itself towards his face . Tears ran down his cheeks and his endless screams of agony went unheard . When it was all over , he laid in a heap in the woods , a meter from the edge of the village path . His head was bent underneath his back , broken oddly to one side while his legs twisted and curled here and there . His arms were twisted in unnatural positions and his eyes glistened with tears as the chain in his pocket is still clutched safely in one hand . Death is only a small thing but for him , the necklace had brought him more than death ; it brought him the loss of his freedom . Those big brown eyes rolled back into his head and as the whites appeared , his eyes closed on its own . His body stiffened and his mind ran away to dance with the nymphs of the distant waterfall . Death took him , in those clawed hands , and carried him away on threads of wispy blackness . A moment later , the man with the long hair blinked . His fingers slowly - and painfully - lifted his legs from on top of his arms . He managed somehow to untwist himself , to bend into place what was bent out of place , and to snap his head back into its rightful position . He muttered as he sat on the cold earth ; holding both his hands before his eyes , he tested each finger to see if they worked . Cursing , he got up and walked towards the path again , towards the edge of the village . With one foot brushing the outside of the dark woods , in mid step , he is thrown back with such force that he landed somewhere that he did not recognize . He cringed at the sound of something broken as he hit the dirt floor . He found himself okay although he is not spared the pain from impacting the earth . He bent his foot back into place and reconnected his spine , muttering curses into the darkness . Somewhere in the night , he could hear the man with the green eyes laughing at him . He cursed the man with the green eyes and tried to find his way back to the edge of the dark woods . He began walking , only to find himself amongst moving shadows and nothing more . He came to the conclusion after several attempts that he is lost ; not only lost but damned as well . It is past dark now and she worried about him . She sat upon the white loveseat , her legs tucked neatly under he tiny frame . She sips freshly brewed hot tea made from the pink and purple tea flowers that bloomed on the top of the still lake , nestled in the woods , hidden behind rock and waterfall . She brought the teacup to her lips , two fingers resting on the tiny handle , and took a sip or two . The hot liquid warms her as it passed through her throat . She sat still ; the only movement came from the steady lifting of the teacup . Her eyes glance out the living room bay windows often as she hoped to catch sight of him walking towards her front door . Her long black hair hung down her shoulders and spread itself upon the brocaded loveseat . This is not the first time that he has been late but he has never been this late before . She thought back to their last conversation and was lost deep in thought when there came a knock at the door . Time had passed and it is late morning when he arrived . She got up slowly , deliberately , and set her teacup upon the saucer that rested at the edge of a thick cherry oak table . She did not rush but glided towards the door with a smile on her face , thinking of how she would hug him instead of scold him for worrying her so . She is happy enough that he is safe and sound . The door opened and she looked at him a moment , a bit confused and a bit bothered by the way he looked . His clothes carried dirt in almost every crevice and fold ; somewhere along the way , he needed a shower badly . The smell of damp earth clung to him and she guided him upstairs to use her bathroom instead of turning him around to go home . When he finished and came downstairs with the new clothes that she had set out for him , she set out a second cup of tea for him on the table . He found her sitting on the sofa , her eyes smiling at him while she sips hot tea from her own cup . He sat himself down beside her , not too close and not too far . He thanked her and took a big gulp of tea , a bit clumsily of manners , before whispering to The house felt empty and she felt alone . Lying , she found herself escaping into dreams - dreams of now distant memories that faded too fast for her to grasp a hold of . Even in sleep , tears rolled down , wetting the expensive upholstery as she wandered away from reality into the space in between . She did not venture outside , nor did she venture into her garden where the weeds took root , overtaking her crops . Wild vines climbed and settled themselves over her house in tight overlapping rows . For a year , everything stayed the same . For two years , no one has seen a trace of her . The flowers that once grew in her garden and filled the yard with a sweet fragrance shriveled and died underneath the thick carpet of weeds and vines . Three years passed and she is forgotten ; time passed and it continued until the dark woods swallowed her home and her garden . There is no presence of anything inhabitable as the woods reclaimed a part of itself that had once been infected but now healed . Ameggo , that charming child with the curly brown hair , stared up at Maeroleez and grinned . His master is happy and as long as his master is happy , he too is content . They entered a home in the middle of the dark woods and as soon as the door shut , he could feel a change in the atmosphere . Ameggo stopped talking of his adventures with his only friend Keera and watched silently at his owner . Maeroleez stood quiet by the door for a moment and when he turned around , Ameggo - frightened by the gleam in his eyes - backed into a corner of the house , crawling underneath the ragged quilted cover that he slept with . The man came swiftly and grabbed the child by the throat with one hand and held him up against the wall . The child struggled but he could not free himself from the tight grasp . He dared not try to claw his master 's hands if he valued his life . Those big amber brown eyes welled up with tears as Maeroleez tightened his grip around the child 's neck . Ameggo pleaded and begged but the man only lifted him higher , laughing , watching the child struggle to no avail . Ameggo watched as his master 's other hand balled into a fist and struck hard against his own left cheek . Pain swept through him and Maeroleez , watching him in pain , the big teardrops streaming down his face , only made his want to hurt the child increase . The man felt stronger , more powerful than the child who desperately tried to free himself from his owner 's clutches . He hit Ameggo again and again , each time , the child cried out in pain , satisfying the man 's twisted lust . He slammed the child into the far corner . Ameggo hit the wall with a thud , sliding down , hitting the wooden floor with another loud thud . He watched as the child whimpered and curled himself into a ball in that corner of the house ; soft choking sobs came as he walked towards the child . His hand touched Ameggo 's shoulder and the child jumped back afraid . In a pleasing voice , he coaxed the child into his arms . He gently rocked the patted the child 's head . " Hush now . " He whispered as Ameggo clutched tightly to him , still sobbing . " It hurts me so much more to hurt you . I have told you before not to destroy her things . Please listen dear Ameggo . Hurting you hurts me so much more and I don 't even want to hurt you to begin with . " He held the child and rocked him until he stopped sobbing . " You 'll behave this time , won 't you ? " Ameggo stared into thAmeggo smiled too and swallowed the last of his tears . He believed every word that was said to him . He forgot the pain and the hurt ; he traded the hatred for happiness as he followed Maeroleez into the kitchen . All the while , Maeroleez chattered in laughter and Ameggo laughed along too . The day that my father died was also the day that I met my best friend Maleek . I wasn 't there at the place where they killed him . I was too busy getting into trouble , even when my father specifically told me to stay inside . I didn 't obey him . He wouldn 't have known and so I sneaked out of the apartment we shared and ran down to the market to buy some sweets . That was where I met Maleek . He was two years older than me , ten , and he had skin so black I thought it hurt to touch him . We had been running around for most of the day , two dirty kids laughing and playing in the middle of the market , as happy as we could 've been . There wasn 't much to be happy about it those days . I didn 't like the place my father and I had come to or the people here . I didn 't remember being happy much after we arrived here . My father , General Hamad Assain , divorced my mother when I was still a child . I remembered nothing of her , but I found a picture of a beautiful woman hidden in some of my mother 's belongings . She had dark hair and very pale skin . Her eyes were a soft green and she smiled . I have her eyes , the same shade of summer leaves on the sparse trees that grew around the apartment complex where we used to live . Years later , I heard rumors that told me a different story . The rumors said that my father didn 't really divorce my mother . My mother was said to have been having an affair with another man and when my father found out , he killed both her and the unborn baby brother or sister I could 've had which was in her belly at the time . I didn 't believe the stories told about my father . I didn 't know my mother , but I was sure she was a good woman . My father was always so king and so nice to me . He couldn 't have murdered my mother and the baby . He was a devout Muslim man who believed in doing good and in treating others with love and respect . We lived in the small apartment complex , which was a series of white boxes stacked one on top of the other , for the first few years of my life . We moved shortly before my seventh birthday because my father had a job that took him from place to place , and this time , he was to be gone for a very , very long period of time so he took me with him . He explained this new place to me before we left . It was a place filled with new things and new people - people so dark that at night , the only part of them that could be seen was the white of their eyes . I didn 't believe him . No person was ever that dark . But this was to be a world different from the one I knew while living in the tiny apartment complex . This was no longer Saudi Arabia , but Africa , and that was where we were going . Maleek pressed the button on his watch , covering the soft light of the indiglo with his whole hand cupped around the face of the watch . " It 's four - twenty and my turn to sleep , " he insisted . " You slept for four hours . " I groaned and swatted behind me , not hitting Maleek , but wishing that it was as easy to ignore him as crushing a pesky mosquito and not having to deal with the persistent buzzing in my ear . " Fine , fine , " I said as I forced myself to sit up . It was so dark that the only part of Maleek I saw was the white of his eyes . We stared at each other for a moment . " Go on then , " I said to him . " Sleep , sleep , so it will quickly be my turn again . " " In time , " Maleek said as he settled down beside me . He dug himself into the dry dirt and bent some tall grass to use as a pillow . He took off his watch and gave it to me . " Don 't lose it , " he warned me sternly . He did this every time he had to part with the watch . " My father gave it to me . If you lose it , I will kill you . " The threat was an idle one . Maleek didn 't have a father . He grew up on the streets of Umptin , a small poor city in Sudan . He found the watch one day while digging through the trash bins , searching for something to eat . The wrist band was the only part that was broken so Maleek found some string and tied two ends to the face , creating a new band . " I hear you too loudly , " I said , hushing him with the last two words . " It 's safe , I promise . " I tied the watch tightly on to my wrist , making sure that it wouldn 't fal off , and then I turned to see Maleek staring at me . " What ? " I asked . " Didn 't you want to sleep ? " My cheeks reddened , but Maleek couldn 't see the color in the dark . I bit my lip and puffed out my chest . " A simple accident , " I told him . " I didn 't fall asleep after that . If I said I 'm up , I 'm up . " He only stared at me and it made me more nervous . " Don 't worry , " I said as I pushed his head towards the ground . " I am the brave son of a General . In my country , everyone will be glad to know that we are protecting them , us Generals . My people are not cowards . My father never ran away . I will never run away . And you will not have to fear - " " You speak too much , " Maleek said as he closed his eyes . I instantly stopped in mid - sentence . I did speak too much when I get nervous . " Do not fall asleep , Zahid , " Maleek repeated . " I have a very bad feeling about this . " " You can count on me , " I told him . Then I stared into the darkness where I thought he lay until I was sure that he was asleep . " Nothing to do now , " I whispered to myself . " It 's good there 's no lions around . " I shuddered at the thought of the wild beasts that could at any moment , rip to pieces two weak young boys in the middle of nowhere and no one would 've ever known we existed . I cast the thought out of my head and focused on the task at hand . I was going to keep us both safe , like my father would 've done if he was still here . Africa was much like Saudi Arabia in that sand and dirt was everywhere . It was much hotter in Sudan and since being here , I gained a darker skin color than what I 've been used to all my life . My father and I moved to a small city which wasn 't really a city at all . The roads were cracked and broken with deep gashes stretching far into the earth . Trash was piled up at every place imaginable and there was no room to step without having to step on some type of trash that was permanently stuck on the ground and could never be removed even if it was scrubbed by powerful machines . Vegetables were in short supply and most of them , wilted , nearing rotten by the time that it was carried home in plastic bags . Gangs of little kids shamelessly begged in the streets , picked pockets , and stole right from under noses and hands . I didn 't know that each dirty and raggedly dressed child was an orphan , a lone survivor who banded together with other unlucky souls to survive in their unkind world . I didn 't want to ever become like them . In fact , the city that we arrived in was a great big one with no unsupervised children running around , nice paved roads , restaurants to eat at , and beautiful homes and apartments . I thought we were going to stay there and I got very excited . Then my father took me to this dump of what was called a small city and I felt disappointed . I was unhappy to settle in such an unclean and unwell place . " A very important job is here , " my father said . " As long as it is here , then we shall be here too . " He patted me on the head and led me up a very blue staircase to a second story door . The white paint was chipped everywhere I looked and the door looked beaten in a few times with dents and a few splinters in the wood . Layers of yellow peeked out from behind the white paint . " We live here now , " I said to myself , feeling a sense of overwhelming hatred rising up for this place I had to live in . I didn 't understand why we couldn 't live somewhere else , somewhere cleaner . " But this is too much . No one can really live here . " My father opened the door with his key and turned the rattling loose knob . " Zahid , there is always hope in the midst of any bad thing . " He smiled at me and suddenly , I had to pee . I awoke to a tightening in my belly . I quickly glanced around to see if Maleek had seen me sleeping , but I heard the soft breathing and knew he had been asleep the whole time . " Lucky ! " I whispered to myself as I started to climb to my feet . Maleek would 've killed me if he knew ! The rumbling in my stomach started to ache and I pushed my stomach inward to help soothe some of the pain . " Oh , no , " I groaned . " I have to poop too . " I hurried past Maleek and farther up front , trying to count my steps so I could find my way back . I went fifty steps , and then decided to walk a little bit more to keep the smell away from Maleek who was still sleeping . In the middle of relieving myself , I heard laughter from somewhere behind me . I strained my ears to listen as much as I also strained to pass a big one . Was Maleek up and laughing at me ? Did he smell the stink ? I worried and tried to finish so I could go tell him how sorry I was for waking him up . I thought I was far away enough and without wind , there shouldn 't have been any smell . " What have we here ? " said the stranger . " A little piggy alone to be food for wolves . " There was much laughter after that and coming from more than one person . Wolves ? There are no wolves in Sudan . There were no wolves in Saudi Arabia too although I 've seen them in textbooks and on the internet . No internet in poor places like this one either . What was the voice talking about ? It was not deep enough to be a man . It sounded like a boy , just like me and Maleek . I listened more , hurridly wiping and not caring whether I got all the mess off of my skin or not . I couldn 't leave Maleek to himself . Why did he say he was alone ? He knew I was here too . Maybe he thought I had run off and left him . I told him I wouldn 't leave ! I was about to shout and say something when Maleek 's words brought me to a screeching halt . " You carry guns . " I didn 't know if he said it as an observation or as a warning to me . A gun was a dangerous weapon . My father had told me so . He said guns took many lives . I 've seen my father 's gun , but I had never been allowed to touch it . Maleek continued on talking , almost too loudly . " I am alone and there is no one with me . I cannot run away . I will do what you want me to . You go away . You run away . I will stay here . " His words seem to speak to me as well as to the people around him . Run away , he had said . He wanted me to run away ? I stayed low and crawled away from the stinking pile , away from Maleek . Before we rested , I saw a stretch of trees to the left , but that was behind of us . I didn 't know how many people were there with him , but if I could somehow crawl around them and make it to the trees , I would be safe . But the thought of a lion hiding in that brush or a snake or any other wild animal made me worry . I didn 't know what to do . I heard a loud thump and Maleek groaned , a fall in the tall grasses where we were sleeping . " Go away ! " Maleek screamed . He was definitely talking to me . I saw falshlights in the distance , but I jumped up and ran in the opposite direction , running and running as fast as I could . I heard someone order the others to look around and see if there was someone else there . I should 've ran away when Maleek first told me to . I looked behind to see multiple beams of light behind me . Luckily , they did not reach my small form . I have been lucky twice tonight . I didn 't know where to go or what to do except to run . It was foolish to run in a straight line so I turned left . I had no idea where left went , but it was better than all the people coming up behind me . Maybe they thought I kept straight or maybe they thought I went right . As I ran , the fear carried my tiny legs deep into the early dawn . My chest heaved and my stomach hurt . I didn 't have to poop more , but the lack of food made me nauseous and a little dizzy . I wanted to stop , to rest , but there was nowhere to be safe . As light streamed across the sky , I saw I was on an open plain and behind me , no one was coming up over the horizon . I slowed down enough to catch my breath , wheezing as my lungs tried to draw air past the confines of my chest . My leg muscles spasm and ached , paralyzing themselves in hurtful charley horses that made me wince in pain . I fell down and repeatedly massaged my calf muscles to stop them from locking up on me . " Maleek , " I whispered as tears threatened to squeeze out of my eyes . Where was my best friend now ? Had he survived ? What happened to him ? I pushed the though out of my head . What was I going to do without him ? I needed water and that was the first thing that Maleek and I had always looked for . We always tried to stay near water although sometimes , the animals stayed by water too . With Maleek , there were two sets of eyes to watch the land around us . If we saw a lion , we always walked really fast in the other direction . If it was a leopard or a cheetah , the same rules applied . In fact , we tried to stay away from all the big animals , harmful or not , We ate berries and whatever else we could find . We ate dirt at times to fill up our groaning bellies . We were so hungry at times that we took handfuls of brown grass and ate it like the animals did . Grass was better than nothing . I was eating grass now , chewing on long dried stems , trying to work the saliva in my mouth so I didn 't feel so thirsty . If i didn 't find water soon , I 'd be dehydrated even more so than I now and I might die out here . I shuddered at that thought . I didn 't want to die out here where the wild animals would fight each other to tear off pieces of meat from my carcass . What would happen if I died ? How would I ever know what happened to Maleek ? And what if he was looking for me right now ? I turned around , but no one was following me so I took my time , trying to see if there was anything in the distance ahead or anywhere . |
Bob was angry . He wasn 't a towel boy . He was a student manager at the college gym . More specifically , Bob managed the locker room used by many of the college 's men 's teams . Sure , the football and basketball teams were important enough to rate their own dedicated locker rooms , but when it came to the second tier sports like soccer , if you were on the team and wanted a clean towel , you came to Bob . Well , perhaps the towel was a bad example - he did much more than hand out towels . I should probably first tell you a bit about Bob . I didn 't meet him until after he had graduated from college . I 've seen college photos of him and I would describe him as an average guy . He 's currently about 5 ' 10 " and 160 pounds with dark brown hair and blue eyes . Back in college he was too busy with classes and working as a student manager at the college gym to work out on a regular basis . Nevertheless , he still had a toned , if not muscular , body and wouldn 't be embarrassed to take off his shirt at the beach . Bob grew up in a home where school was more important than sports . Consequently , while he played baseball , shot baskets and threw around a football with other kids in the neighborhood , he never played on a school team and his family didn 't watch sports on TV . To this day , if you ask him sports trivia , like who played on some championship baseball team , he 's at a total loss . His brain just wasn 't wired to remember that stuff as he grew up . Now you 're probably wondering about Bob 's sexuality . If you ask Bob , he 'll tell you it 's none of your damn business . I think you need to know a bit more to understand Bob . In my opinion , Bob is seventy to eighty percent heterosexual . I know he only dates women now , but I also know that Bob doesn 't mind a bit of male on male body contact either . I was kidding him about being around all those naked guys in the locker room and he said he didn 't think he could have worked there if he was gay . When I asked him why , he said " it would be like a diabetic working in a candy store " or something like that . On the other hand , Bob said the fact that he had always admired the body of a good looking guy made going to work at a place where he could observe them a pleasant experience , despite the crap that came with the job . Bob didn 't lose his virginity until he was a sophomore in college . He was shy in those days and his right hand was his best friend until the semester he took an evening class and met this girl . He told me he 'd walk her to her car after class and they 'd stand there and talk , sometimes for an hour or more . Then she would drive off and he 'd walk back to his dorm . One cool , fall night they got into the back seat of her car to talk and , well , you probably don 't want to hear about that . Bob never really had a steady girlfriend while in college . His parents continually drilled the importance of studying over everything else and , since they were paying , he felt obligated to bring home the grades . But that wasn 't all bad , and while Bob didn 't get all the sex he wanted , " even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while " he jokes today . Now that you know a little bit about Bob , let 's continue . It was Bob 's second and last season managing the locker room for the soccer team . Bob hated soccer season . The ' pretty ' boys on the soccer team seemed to thrive on harassing him . For players of a second tier sport at the college , they thought their dirty jockstraps didn 't stink . But they did stink , especially when they 'd grab him and pull their sweaty jocks over his head . Bob dreamed of payback . Unfortunately , every idea he came up with would result in him losing his job , his recommendation or getting beaten to a pulp . For those of you unfamiliar with Venice Beach , CA , it 's very much a beach city . Lots of tiny bungalows , cottages , and apartments all packed tightly together , with winding streets ( some of them walking streets only ) and alleys winding their way through the neighborhood . A few days ago , after hanging out at a friend 's place , listening to him cranking out some tunes on his guitar while having a few beers , I was really buzzed and tired , so I headed home . I was taking my usual route , walking down a fairly dark and private alley lined mostly with the cottage style apartments I described . It was past midnight so most of the windows were dark , but here and there you 'd see someone watching TV or catch sight of someone 's head . Most of the lit windows , though , had drawn curtains or blinds , so you couldn 't see in . But as I walked past this one window , set back about fifteen feet from the alley , out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of flesh . It was hard not to notice . The main light in the room was on and even though the curtains were drawn closed , the window was open and the breeze had pushed them away from the window enough so that along the right side there was about a two inch gap between the curtain and the window frame . So you could see some of the room through this long sliver - which of course got me totally interested . And since it was really dark in the area of the alley where I was , I decided to move in for a closer look without worrying too much about anyone catching me peering into someone 's window . What I saw next was pretty wild . Looking through that little slit , I could see directly into a tall , floor length mirror propped up against the wall . And in the mirror 's reflection I could pretty much see most of the room - a cluttered , tiny bedroom that 's typical of a lot of these places . Books piled high , a bike in the corner , clothes in a pile on the floor , a futon mattress , and standing in a corner of the room was some dude , clad only in a pair of boxers , leafing through a book . Having finally graduated from college , I was ready to kick back by my parents ' pool for the summer . I figured there was nothing like the long hard muscles of a swimmer and the bronze of a full body tan to bring the cocksuckers out of the water … and into my pants . I would spend the summer working on improving my bait . My folks were in Europe , and the neighbors had just moved out . The resulting privacy would be just what I needed to throw a few humdinger , midnight skinny - dipping parties . I was relaxing in a poolside lounge chair , soaking up the rays , reading one of my favorite " boy - meets - boy , boy - fucks - boy " magazines . I was totally naked and totally hot , and not because of the sun . I balanced the magazine on my stomach with one hand while my other went down to explore my lengthening cock . I squeezed my balls and rubbed my hand up the length of my rod , lifting the magazine to watch the natural lube ooze from the soft , round tip of my meat . I pinched some of the goo onto my fingertips and brought it to my mouth . The taste and feel of my own juice has always made me wish I could suck my own cock . I was about to grab hold of my cock and do the next best thing when I heard a scraping at the fence , ten feet away . I looked up . Looking over the fence there was a guy , grinning . I dropped my magazine over my protruding cock and managed not to jump out of my skin . " Geez , you scared me , " I said to this apparent stranger who seemed to know my name . " What 're you doing over there ? I thought that house was empty . " He was still grinning . I wondered how much he had seen . As I recovered from my shock , I began to notice his dimples , his brilliant blue eyes , and his red hair . The guy had a beautiful face . " Not exactly empty , " he said . " Well , I 'm not surprised you don 't recognize me . I guess I 've changed since you saw me last . " It all started to fall into place . That red hair , those blue eyes . . . could this be the skinny , freckly kid with braces who used to come and swim with my little sister ? " David ? " " Bingo , " he said . " When we moved three years ago my folks rented the house out . Now I 'm starting at the University here , and I get to live here , with some roommates . But I haven 't got the roommates yet . So where 's Susan ? " " She 's starting school back east . She wants to get a jump on the housing situation , so she 's already left . Nobody else is home but me . Too bad , Susan would probably like to see you again , " I said . The body his white Speedos barely covered was gorgeous ; slender but hard and muscular , and bound by soft looking , unblemished , cream - colored skin . He was still shorter than me , but only by about an inch . He sported a nipple ring , and his skimpy suit was filled with a generous mound of flesh that suggested a very nicely sized cock and balls . " God damn , " I sputtered . " I mean , I remember having to look a foot and a half down at you the last time I saw you . " I managed to look away from his crotch and back into his face , which was somehow sexy and cherubic at the same time . Maybe it was his sensuous lips . David laughed . " Well I must say that you on the other hand haven 't changed very much . You 're looking good . Still working out , huh ? " David sat down on the edge of the pool and slid himself into the water . Rather than swimming , he lowered himself until the water came up to his shoulders , and then raised himself up again and waded to the other side and lay back , resting his head against the side , his body facing me . The water came up just enough to surround his bulge . With his Speedos now wet , it hugged his cock and balls , leaving absolutely nothing to the imagination . I felt a twinge run down my guts and into my cock as I took it in . Realizing I was staring at his crotch , my eyes trailed up to his face and he seemed to be looking at me with a bit of a proud smirk on his face , as though he enjoyed showing off his ample package . Caught , I diverted my eyes from his by turning on my heels and then moved to lie down in the lounge chair . As I did so , he hoisted himself up and got out of the water and began to dry himself off . He then moved over to stand by the other lounge chair next to mine , the outline of his cock and balls still prominently on display in his wet Speedos , only now it was right at my eye level . " I brought some sunscreen , " he said . " You know this skin wasn 't meant for much sun , and living in Alaska I haven 't gotten much . " He sat on the lounge chair and began to spread the lotion on his body . I watched him , trying not to look too interested as we talked . Tuesday couldn 't come fast enough for either boy . Kenny had called the J . O . C . K . meeting for the morning break - right after second period , when Kenny and Jon shared a class . Kenny had something special planned for Jon . Social Studies , as usual , was a crashing bore . The teacher droned on and on about different forms of government while most of the class tried to stay awake . Jon and Kenny were definitely up - in more ways than one . Kenny had hoped that he 'd be able to watch Jon doing it in class this time . But while Jon 's seat was just in the next row , it was two behind Kenny 's , so Kenny couldn 't really check out the action without calling attention to his friend . But that was ok today , because Kenny was out to give Jon an extra turn - on . As they sat in class , with each boy steadily fingering his boner through his pocket , Kenny tried to time his surprise for maximum effect . He decided to cum quickly , at least ten minutes before the end of class . And , of course , he positioned himself so Jon would see the wet spot forming . After jacking most of the period , with twelve minutes to go , Kenny quietly began releasing his cum into his pants . He didn 't bother sitting up the way he did the last two times . He just remained slouched in his seat , his hand deep in his pocket , with his squirting boner poking straight up into the fabric of his loosest , baggiest jeans . The stain was shiny and very , very obvious . He was sure Jon could see it very clearly . Suddenly , Kenny sat up and leaned over , resting his elbows on his desk . He had worn a shorter - than - usual t - shirt over his baggy pants . When he leaned forward like that , several inches of his boxers were exposed in the back - right where Jon could see them . He was sure Jon would notice . Jon noticed all right . He had been on the verge of orgasm as he watched the hot cum soaking through Kenny 's jeans . But when he saw Kenny 's boxers showing , that took him way over the edge . What Kenny didn 't know , though , was that Jon was wearing Kenny 's cum - stained boxers ! Poor Jon was so intensely turned on by seeing Kenny cum , and then feeling his own juice soaking into the same boxers Kenny squirted in , he couldn 't control his orgasm the way he usually could . Jon 's gaze was riveted on his buddy 's boxer display as spurt after spurt of his creamy load literally filled Kenny 's soft , old boxers . He was having trouble keeping his hips from thrusting with each wad . He finally sat up and took his hand out of his pocket , but his balls weren 't going to stop until they had completely emptied themselves inside his pants . After about a minute Kenny thought he heard Jon breathing again , so he risked turning around and looking . Even with Jon sitting Kenny could tell it had been a massive orgasm . He looked into Jon 's face and grinned . Jon just shook his head slowly . Before Jon could respond they had turned the corner to see the J . O . C . K group . Jon dropped his t - shirt and put his books back in front of him . As they approached they were seen by some of the other guys , and the guys parted their protective circle and Kenny and Jon saw Rod , the usual winner of the wet spot contest - and he was jacking off through his pants ! This meant that Rod had been unable to get off in his last class and was being forced to do it in front of the group . Rod looked up and the first thing he saw was Jon and Kenny staring at the front of his pants . Summoning his will power , he released his cock and did his best to stand up straight . But his rigid cock was still spilling his milky load inside his pants , and powerful contractions kept him from standing straight for long . He squeezed his legs together like a five - year - old who had to pee , but nothing could stop the flow . Wet streamers appeared down his leg , the final embarrassment for a J . O . C . K . member . Laughter and taunts erupted from the rest of the guys . Rod looked down at his pants to see a collection of wet blobs and streamers , not the usual big cum stain he usually made . He definitely wasn 't going to win this week . Kenny scanned the rest of the guys looking for exceptional wet spots . There were a few that approached his own , but none even close to Jon 's . " Guys , " he said . " Take a look at this week 's winner . " He then gestured to Jon , who moved his books out of the way . Somebody whistled , but most of them stood in stunned silence . Jon just smiled and lifted the bottom of his t - shirt . A quick moment of anxiety flashed across both Jon 's and Kenny 's face when they realized that Jon was exposing the very same shorts that Kenny creamed last week ! Jon quickly dropped his shirt hoping nobody noticed . But one guy in the group did notice that Jon was wearing Kenny 's shorts . It was Rod . After everyone compared spots and Jon set the meeting for next week ( after second period , of course ) , the group split up . Jon and Kenny went their separate ways , but Rod followed Kenny . Business was slow , leaving me pretty bored the first two days . That all changed on the third day , though . A guy in jeans and a tee came up with his girlfriend and asked about the price of a massage . I told him the fee varies depending on the type of massage he wanted . He said his leg muscles were very sore from beach volleyball and he just wanted them worked on . I told him the price and he decided to have the massage . His girlfriend said she would check out some of the beach stands while he did so . I led him into the tent , which was completely private , and told him to take off his jeans and sit up on the table . I was a bit disappointed that he only wanted a leg massage , because he was a real hunk and I wanted to see him completely naked . However , I still got a good show , because when he took his jeans off the bulge in those briefs was very nice . As I got further up his thighs that bulge in his briefs appeared to be getting bigger . At first I thought it was wishful thinking but it wasn 't . I kept my eye on his ever expanding bulge and soon enough he was hard . Now , lots of guys get erect when they get a massage and it doesn 't necessarily mean that they are gay or even bi and I wasn 't quite sure what to make of this situation , so I just kept on massaging his legs and enjoyed the show . I got back to my room , my face bright red , my shame complete . What kind of girl goes with you to a make - out party and doesn 't want to make out ? God , I 'd struck out . . . again ! It sucks being me ! Honest ! My father was a corporate executive , and we moved around so much I never finished a single grade in school in the same place I 'd started it . My test scores had been shuffled around so much that I 'd lost so many credits , and now I was a year late graduating . And worst of all , I was a nineteen year old virgin ! I was trying . And God , how I was striking out ! I was getting a reputation in college , alright ! And boy , was it a lousy one ! I was the guy that the girls looked at and giggled to each other about . I was the guy who had fallen into the fountain when I tried to put my arm around one girl and she shrugged it off , I was the guy who had actually tried to sing to a girl in a park . I 'd thought we were alone . . . but we weren 't . I was the guy who . . . ah , to hell with it . Now I had another embarrassment to my credit . The girl had wanted to go to the party and accepted my invitation . When we got there she sent me after a cola , and when I got back another guy was in my seat , and she was kissing him . I handed her the cola and got the fuck out of there . I reached under the bed and pulled out the book I had bought . It was about relationships , what women want , how to communicate , and such . I couldn 't figure girls out on my own , so I was trying to read up on them . But this book was leaving out so much ! How do you know when a girl is interested ? How can you know when to reach in for a kiss . . . and when you 'd better settle for holding her hand , or just sitting there without touching ? The book fucking assumed you knew ! And I didn 't ! I sat up , sheepishly smiling . As much as anyone ever had been , Andy was my friend . I 'd only known him for a few short months , but it 's a sign of my life that he was the longest friendship I 'd ever had . " I thought I had a date , too , " I admitted . " But I was wrong . " I realized too late what Andy was doing , which was to reach under my pillow and pull out my book . I made a grab for it , but it was too late . He had it in his hand and was looking at the page , which was , unfortunately , nothing that could possibly be confused with a porn novel . " I know that . . . now , " I said . " It 's just . . . we moved so much when I was young , I didn 't have any of the chances to figure girls out little by little , like you did . I mean , people don 't act the same in France as they do in Germany and they act even more different in Hong Kong . I don 't know shit about girls . Okay , I said it ! I suck at dating ! " " Hey , Mark , don 't sweat it , " Andy said , putting a hand on my shoulder . " You can 't know what you don 't know . Hell , that 's what college is for , learning the stuff you didn 't learn in high school . " " Sure , " Andy said . " Why not ? I had to learn some stuff from my older sister . How to put my arm around a girl so she won 't throw it off and such . I can show you some of that stuff , get you started off right . " " Class is now in session , " Andy intoned . He plopped onto the bed next to me and said , " Now , you be the girl and I 'll be the guy putting the make on you … the right way . Got it ? " " That she 's interested stupid ! If she wasn 't , she wouldn 't lean into you . So now that you know she 's into you , you can try for a kiss . " Andy laughed . " Dude , there 's so much more to kissing than that . And , you can 't really explain how to do it , you gotta show someone how it 's done . " " Hey , most guys learn from their buddies , " Andy said . " I would have been too scared to approach a girl , like you are , if my buddy hadn 't taught me what to do first , and this is how he taught me . And , look at me now . I 've kissed lots of girls and I 've had sex with lots of girls , too … what have you done with girls ? That 's right , nothing ! " he said before letting me say anything . " Nineteen and a virgin , never even kissed a girl . So , you want to change all of that ? " I nodded and Andy began to lean into me again . " Wait ! " I said pulling away again . " You won 't tell anyone about this , will you ? " " Dude , " Andy laughed . " Do you honestly think I 'm gonna go around and tell all my buddies I made out with another guy ? Don 't worry , this will be our secret , I promise . " " Of course it 's going to be packed ! " Mom said with some exasperation . " Moxie 's is having a buy one get one half price sale ! God , I just hope that they haven 't sold out of Juniper Galens yet ! " I would have asked who Juniper Galen was , but I really didn 't care . Getting dragged by your Mom down to a department store the day after Thanksgiving is a real bitch ! But she 'd been busted and had her driver 's license revoked for D . U . I . ( Translation , she 'd had a few drinks and then tried to drive home that way instead of calling a cab ) , and now she was stuck with pestering the rest of the family when she wanted to go somewhere . And she 'd made it clear that if one of us wouldn 't drive her she 'd drive herself , without a license ! That made Dad and my younger brother her de facto chauffeurs . Me , I was in college and mostly out of the loop , thank God , but I 'd come home for the holiday and Mom had immediately laid the burden gratefully on my doorstep . " The thought had crossed my mind . " I may have been a girly - girl in most ways , but unlike most women , I hated to shop . No , I preferred to go out with a purpose , know what I needed , go to the store , get it , and get out . Not Mom , she was a true shop - a - holic . " What woman doesn 't want new clothes ? You can at least come in and see , can 't you ? Moxie 's says that they have something for everyone ! " Inside was pandemonium , and Mom soon disappeared into the crowd , leaving me to fend for myself . The inside of the store was practically wall - to - wall women , pushing past each other , holding clothes up to themselves and asking each other how they looked . There was a line at the dressing rooms and a cacophony of sound . There was a tone to their voices that was piercing in a way that had nothing to do with their decibel - level . I could just imagine that dogs must be howling for miles around from that sound , while I just felt itchy and wincing from it . The few men around were equally uncomfortable - looking , surrounded by waves of estrogen - driven sales and discounts and returns and layaways . I found the store directory . Shit , Moxie 's was just a clothing and housewares store ! I was hoping they 'd at least have an electronics department so I could pick out a new laptop for my Christmas list , maybe buy a few DVD 's , too , something to occupy my time and keep me away from the mob that had taken over the women 's apparel department . I decided , since I was there , that I would head to the store 's men 's department and maybe find something for my Dad for Christmas . Their men 's department was one sixth the size of the women 's department , maybe less . But I was there and it was the best I could do until Mom got tired of trying on clothes . The men 's department was a surprise to me . I mean , the rest of the store was packed , but this one area was effectively empty . A few forlorn sale signs here and there had a random couple of women at them , but that was all . Apparently their sale didn 't extend to men 's clothes . I didn 't even have the ' buy one get one half price ' sale to drive my urge to buy . Shit , Moxie 's cost more , more than I was used to spending anyway ! So I was wandering around the clothing racks rather dejectedly , looking at the clothes that I wasn 't even thinking of buying . Moxie 's did have some unusual shirts , I decided as I looked at one rack . They were almost Hawaiian , but their designs weren 't the usual flowers , they were like clippings of old newspapers all pasted together . I was craning my neck trying to see what they were about , and wham ! I ran right into him . Hit him hard , right in the chest , and I bounced back and fell to the floor , flat on my ass , bumping my head as I went on down . I looked up at him , for he was practically on top of me , one of his legs between mine as he looked down on me . This gave him a distorted look , like he was all legs and crotch and only a bit of upper body , his head attached at an angle atop it . This good - looking black man was like a god that had taken human form , standing over me , towering up to the sky . He extended his hand down , offering to help me up . I took the hand and he heaved , and I was lifted by the raw force of this man , and he was strong ! That was the first impression I had of him , and then I had my second impression of him when I got back perpendicular . That was when I hit that body of his . " No , I 'm all right , " I said . And my voice came out small , for he embodied everything that made up a man . In this estrogen - soaked environment he was total testosterone , raking my body , pouring over me . I wet my lips as I had these thoughts and feelings , and he smiled . When I pulled away , he didn 't act shocked . Instead he was smiling and I could feel the newly formed hardness of his crotch pressing into me . I didn 't normally hook up with random strangers , but I wanted him . I let him know this by reaching my hand down and rubbing his hard - on through his pants . He looked around and simply said , " Over there , " indicating the dressing rooms . Kenny and Jon started spending a lot of time together at school ever since Jon introduced Kenny to the guys in the J . O . C . K . club . So it was only natural that they became friends and started hanging out on the weekend . It was the Saturday just after Kenny won his first wet spot contest when Jon came over to his house . When he greeted Jon at the door , Kenny felt a little tingle in his crotch , and his eyes automatically went to the front of his friend 's jeans to see if anything unusual was going on . He paused for just a moment , wondering what that meant . Kenny was pretty sure he wasn 't gay , so what did it mean that he was checking out another guy ? He dismissed the thought pretty quickly , though . Jon was a tall , skinny kid , with average looks , and a little geeky , too . But he was good company , and he was the horniest guy Kenny had ever met ! " Yeah , me too , " Jon replied . " Oh man , I couldn 't believe the look on Rod 's face when he saw that spot you made last Wednesday . That was awesome ! " This took Kenny by surprise . No guy ( or girl , for that matter ) had ever asked to see his underwear . " I don 't know , man . . . " Kenny stood up , thinking , what the fuck , why not ? But as he moved toward his dresser , he remembered that those shorts hadn 't been washed yet . He stopped in his tracks . " Nah , you don 't want to see those , " he said . Kenny shrugged his shoulders and went to his closet , fishing the cum - stained underwear out of the basket . " Ok , man . You wanted to see them , " he said as he handed them over . " Cool , " Jon said as he examined the shorts . They had a patterned print and they were obviously well - worn . Jon could see the traces of Kenny 's huge ejaculation , and he felt the stiffness along the whole left side of the fly . Then Kenny saw movement in Jon 's crotch , and when he glanced at it he could clearly make out the outline of a boner ! For a moment , he didn 't know quite how to react - here was his new buddy getting hard from handling his cum - stained shorts . He decided to make a joke out of it . " Looks like you really like my shorts , " Kenny said , staring openly at Jon 's crotch . " Maybe you should take them home with you . " Then he started to laugh . Jon blushed . " Well , you know . . . " he started , looking down at his feet . Then there was an awkward silence . Slowly , Jon handed the bunched - up shorts to their owner . Kenny took the shorts and put them down on the bed . " Hey man , I didn 't want to make you feel bad . I 've just never heard of anything like that , you know ? " " I dunno , man . It 's like , I think about girls a lot , but I also think about the guys in the J . O . C . K . club . I mean , all those dudes creaming in their pants , showing their wet spots , talking about jacking off all the time , you know ? It 's like a guy 's gotta get a boner thinking about that kind of stuff … doesn 't he ? " My wife and I belong to a Swingers Club . We have been doing that type of thing for years now . A few years ago we met another couple at the club , Don and Sherry , and became good friends , hanging out and also having foursomes outside of our Club activities . When this experience took place , I hadn 't been out to the bars , or anywhere socially , for over a month . So when my buddy Ed came over and pounded on the door of my apartment , it didn 't take him long to convince me that I should give the books a rest , at least for one night . I 'd been studying for my Masters Degree for so long that I was beginning to feel like a walking encyclopedia … it was definitely time to get back out in the world again . Ed took me downtown to The Cuff , a gay bar , which , at that time , was new and had just opened . I 'd heard the cruising there was hot , so naturally I was interested . It was packed when we arrived , and Ed bought me a beer , and then left me on my own . I made the circuit , checking out the guys , and then settled down near the pool tables to watch the action . He looked like he was all business , at least when he was playing pool . He had a little scowl on his handsome face , his full lips pressed into a determined line . He also appeared to be a little aloof , basically ignoring the heavy cruising of several of the men who were watching him play the game . One dude even grabbed his hot little butt , and I thought for a minute that the redhead was gonna force - feed the jerk his pool cue . The guy who 'd done the grabbing was twice the redhead 's size , but the feisty little bastard stood his ground and the guy backed off like a whipped dog . I 'm the shy type , so I wasn 't likely to grab any ass unless I received an invitation first . Still , the redhead was the best show in the bar , and I figured I could at least look . Well , I was looking hard , getting off on the way the hairs on the guy 's forearms gleamed like fine copper wires , and the little satisfied smile that would flicker across his face when he sank a difficult shot . I was staring at him when the dude looked over from across the table and locked eyes with me . Instead of the scowl he 'd been handing out to everyone else , he stared intently , and then winked at me . Well , that made me feel really good , putting a warm glow in the pit of my gut . I smiled back across at him and nodded . The next time he was up , he walked over to my side of the table and leaned down , putting his tight ass within grabbing distance . Only I didn 't grab , because , like I said , that 's not my style . I did , however , notice that the seam in the seat of his jeans had a little tear , right down where you 'd expect his asshole to be lurking , just out of sight . Instead of walking back around the table when he finished the shot , he came over and stood right next to me . This was too good to pass up , so I nodded and said hello to him . " You 're really good at this , " I added , unable to think of anything more original . " I 'm even better at other things , " he retorted , looking at me and winking again . That remark started putting a bone in my meat ! It didn 't take much imagination to figure he was telling the truth . " The name 's Russ , " he said offering his hand . I continued to watch him play , and he kept coming back and standing beside me when he wasn 't pulling off complicated shots at the pool table . It seemed like every time he came back , he stood closer to me , until his hot body was literally pressed against my side . I was sitting on the high bench that ran around the room , and before too long Russ was resting his right hand on my left thigh . This gave me the nerve to let my hand touch his leg , and then he moved in even closer , to the obvious disappointment of half the men around the room . After Russ had successfully met every challenger , he put away his cue , bought me a beer and sat on the bench beside me . We talked a little , then got to kissing , long , slow , tongue - twisting kisses that left me panting and ready to pin him to the wall . He must have read my mind , because he whispered in my ear and asked me to follow him . Believe me , I trotted right along behind him . There 's one particular state park that I like to go for long weekends . It 's heavily wooded , blissfully serene , and has not yet been " discovered " by the weekend campers . Pulling my RV into the park , I selected a beautifully secluded site . Work deadlines and job stresses were obliterated from my mind as I set up camp . I 'd hooked up the generator to my RV and gathered jugs of water from a nearby natural spring all by about noon on Thursday , and then went for a long , leisurely walk through the dense woods , savoring the nature smells that were so refreshingly different from the city smog . By the time I got back to my RV , other campers were beginning to roll into the park . Thankfully no one had parked their RV 's too close to where I was , so I was still isolated , and I took off my shirt and sat in the camp chair in only my shorts , reading a novel I bought three weeks earlier but had not had the time to start . It was an idyllic setting with the birds chirping and a nearby stream flowing . The weather was phenomenal , and I felt like a new man , no longer stressed or feeling hunted or harried . Midway through the second chapter of my book , I saw another RV pull into a spot near to me . The young man who drove it was alone , as I was . My eyes kept wandering from my book to my new neighbor , cursing him for invading my private spot , but , even so , I couldn 't help but notice that he was indeed a hot looking guy . I judged him to be in his early twenties . He had semi - long blond hair and a muscular physique . He was exactly the type of guy I 'd try to hit on if we were in a gay bar . But we were not in a gay bar , so I cooled my simmering libido and tried to focus on my novel . I wasn 't much good at shutting out the delightful distraction of my new neighbor , though , especially when he peeled off his shirt to reveal a v - shaped torso with wonderfully rippling muscles . He had a pair of exquisite buns stuffed tightly into a pair of ultra - short silk jogging shorts . They were so short that the bottoms of those buns were provocatively exposed , making me wonder if he was wearing underwear . I found myself fantasizing about him , wondering if he had a big cock or not , wondering if he was gay . And the more I fantasized , the more I became aware of the swelling in my cock and of the fact that I hadn 't been with another man in nearly a month . My book no longer could hold my interest . It didn 't have the fascination for me that my new neighbor did . I set the book aside and watched him move . He had a certain grace and agility that turned me on . So , soon , I decided to be neighborly and go over and pay a visit to that young stud , trying to subtly discern if he might be gay , and if he 'd be available for a long weekend of fun . My hopes were high , but I was also cautious . After all , one of my female friends was named Ashley , it was a unisex name . So , I casually mentioned the name of an obscure gay bar . My heart fluttered when Trent smiled , nodded his head , and said , " I haven 't been there for a long time . That 's where I met Ashley , in fact . " It took damn little coaxing to get Trent out of those skimpy jogging shorts . Just as I had figured , he wore no underwear underneath . The hunky - looking man stood totally naked in the great outdoors , and , just as I had hoped , his cock was a fucking whopper ! Kenny couldn 't believe he was about to get away with it . He was on the verge of shooting off in his pants during social studies class ! He had been steadily rubbing his cock through his pocket , all the while checking to see if anybody noticed his subtle movement . Now he could feel the cum starting to leave his balls . It had been a difficult morning for Kenny . His family had gone on a camping trip over the weekend , which was fun and everything , but it meant that he had to share a tent with his younger sister , so he never had any privacy to jack off ( which he usually did every day ) . When they all got home and unpacked , he was too tired to play with himself . Then he woke up late for school and didn 't have time to do it in the morning . So now , in second period social studies , his cock , which had been hard most of the morning , was demanding the kind of attention it had become so accustomed to . When he first shoved his hand in his pocket , Kenny figured he 'd just rub it a little and then try to concentrate on his studies . But it felt so good , he just kept going . He used a very short stroke so as not to arouse suspicion , and he figured that such a small amount of friction wouldn 't be enough to take him over the edge . He really didn 't want to make a wet spot on his faded blue jeans , because he knew it would be real obvious . But now his reservations were giving way to sort of a giddy sense of doing something so taboo and not getting caught . Not only was he going to ejaculate in his underwear , but he was doing it in class ! He straightened up in his seat a little in preparation for the explosion that was now inevitable . He was sure his face was quite red , and he tried to keep his breathing under control as his boner released the first spurt of cum in his shorts . Moving only his eyes , he scanned to see if the students on either side of him had any idea what was going on . More spurts of hot cream gushed out , and he could feel the slippery goo coating his cock and soaking through the fabric of his pocket . He was slightly alarmed when it occurred to him that he was probably making a good - size wet spot on his jeans . Forgetting to be non - chalant , he looked down into his lap and saw the dark stain spreading quickly . His cock was standing almost straight up , through his pocket . He struggled a little with his still - ejaculating cock to point it more towards his belly , and a new , smaller spot appeared at the new location . Now his orgasm was fading , and he allowed himself to breathe again . His heart was pounding . Another quick check of his classmates confirmed that no one had seen him . The anxiety of thinking about his wet spot gave way to a return of the exhilaration of getting away with it all . He had trouble not giggling out loud . " Hey Kenny , wait up , " he heard from behind him . It was Jon , a classmate he didn 't know too well . When he caught up to Kenny , Jon said , in a low voice , " I saw what you did in there . " Jon smiled . " Don 't worry about it . I got something to show you , " he said . It was then that Kenny noticed that Jon held his notebook in the same place . Jon pulled back his notebook just enough to let Kenny see . " Yup , and I 'm not the only one . You gotta join our club , man . Come on , " Jon said as he began striding toward the back of the school . " Nice ! " Sean said as Chad 's hands started feeling up the woman 's breasts through her shirt . " I can 't wait to get a look at her tits ! " Removing his hands , Chad pulled the woman 's shirt over her head . His face immediately began to nuzzle her cleavage as he reached behind to unhook her bra . Once he accomplished this , he removed his face from her chest and removed her bra , then dove back in and began to lick and chew on her nipples , fondling her mounds of flesh as he did so . After a few minutes , Chad stopped working her tits and reached for the button of her pants . Once he had it open he helped her out of them and then maneuvered her to sit on the end of his bed . She fell back onto her elbows as he lifted her legs . Grasping her panties , he slid them down and off . As Chad moved slightly to toss them to the floor , the woman 's pussy was exposed to the camera lens for a few brief moments . Chad then got on his knees and put his face between her legs . Although he had never done it , the idea of eating pussy never appealed to Ryan , but for some reason he got really turned on watching other men do it . It was one of his favorite things to watch in straight porn . However , with the position of the couple on the bed in relation to the camera , all that could be seen was the back of Chad 's head . Thankfully , Sean didn 't catch on to the real reason behind Ryan 's groan . " Yeah , I know buddy , I can 't wait to see this hot babe sucking some cock either . " And then , as the woman 's head moved forward and took Chad 's cock into her mouth , Sean groaned as , once again , the two horny teens couldn 't see anything . " Fuck ! This sucks ! You should have put the camera in a better spot ! " " That was the only place I could put it ! " Ryan replied . " He has a dresser on the wall across from the bed , and there is a clock radio sitting on it . It 's black , like the camera , and has these little hollow indentations on the front right below the speakers . I put the camera in one of them where it would blend in and not be seen , " he explained . Sean didn 't know his best friend was a virgin , or that until that very night Ryan had never seen a woman naked before outside of porn . " Yeah , " Ryan played along . " But don 't forget , Chad is always bringing women home . The shirt landing on the cam was just a fluke . We 'll get plenty more chances to see him banging some chick , maybe even tomorrow night . " When the movie was over , both boys were tired and more than ready for some sleep . Even though Ryan had a queen size bed in his bedroom , there was no way two teenage boys would willingly sleep together in the same bed , at least not when one of them was straight . Although Ryan wouldn 't have minded in the least , the mere suggestion of such an idea was out of the question . So , Sean would be sleeping on the couch . After getting Sean a pillow and some blankets , Ryan went off to his bedroom , happy to finally be alone so he could take care of his cock . He was undressed and in his bed in a flash , hand immediately grasping his dick . With his eyes closed , he pictured Chad 's head between that woman 's legs , moving about . His cock got hard really fast . Just as he began a nice rhythm , he realized that he had to pee . Ryan didn 't like to jerk off when he had the urge to piss . That need to pee just somehow took his concentration away from the pleasure he was giving himself . So , he stopped his gentle manipulations , got out of bed and slipped on his underwear , and then headed to the bathroom to relieve his nagging bladder . As he stepped out into the hallway , he had only taken a few steps when he stopped in his tracks . He thought he had heard something . He stood and listened , and then he heard it again , clear as day . Quiet moans were coming from the living room , and he knew exactly what that meant . Quietly , he moved to the end of the hallway and peered around the wall . His eyes got wide as he took in the sight of his best friend pumping his hand up and down on his hard cock . The light of the moon filtering in through the sheer curtains that covered the windows illuminated his friend perfectly . Needless to say , helping out wasn 't first on my to - do list , but it was one of those things that friends do for each other . Plus , it wasn 't all that bad . Given the steamy heat , made steamier by the intermittent rain , some of the women were in skimpy outfits , which made for good eye candy , and provided motivation to complete our work fast and stick around to mingle at the barbecue afterward . Some of the ladies were a bit more revealing than others . Jessica , for instance , wore prim Bermuda shorts and a loose fitting top - boring , but workable given her duties for the day . Others showed a lot of leg , others some ample cleavage . I remembered sneaking glances at Jessica , and realized that even in her ho - hum outfit she was really quite cute . Her smile lit up a room , to say nothing of her sweet little ass , which would turn on even a blind man . On the few occasions where she 'd bent over to lift a box , my eyes had locked onto her form and my mind wandered . For whatever reason , Jessica was the object of my mind 's affections . Kristine , Bill 's wife , was a knockout brunette , and Margaret , John 's girlfriend , was a real red - headed hottie , but it was Jessica who occupied my fantasy mind . Moving day was work , hard work , and by the end of the day everyone was beat . Nearly everything had been moved to the temporary apartment when Steve asked if I could store some of the filled packing boxes in my basement . Of course I said yes , and those boxes were loaded into my SUV and ended up in my basement next to various storage boxes of my own . The very next day , I was looking for several books I knew I had on travel in Ireland . After searching high and low I surmised they might be in the basement , and I went downstairs and started sorting through my own boxes . Lo and behold I found the desired tour guides , and I began perusing the books . There were some books , some old and obviously sentimental items , and an empty box of tissues . That got my attention , because it was out of place in the box . Why would anyone pack an empty tissue box away ? Picking it up , though , I realized something was inside it . I reached in through the slot in the plastic where the tissues would normally stick out and pulled out several provocative photos of Jessica in revealing outfits . These were obviously pictures that had been taken with a digital camera and printed out at home . In one shot she was bent over a table , the bottom of her panties showing , while her face was looking over her shoulder toward the camera . An infectious smile on her face , she was obviously teasing the photographer . It 's funny , but when I realized I was looking at some private shots , I quickly put them back inside the tissue box and began re - packing the storage box . That task only lasted a few seconds - only long enough to realize there was a mini - disc from a camcorder sticking out from under one of the flaps in the bottom of the box . I knew I shouldn 't , but I quickly loaded the mini - disc into my DVD player and sat back to see what was on it . The video opened with a title shot , " Samantha 's Afternoon Delight " . Yet it wasn 't ' Samantha ' that came into view . On a large four - poster bed was Steve 's wife Jessica , lying back on several pillows and reading a book . She was wearing a dark blue baby doll nightie with light blue satin panties . Her lips were bright red , the same shade as her fingers and toenails . She looked adorable , sexy , and a lot different than the wife of my best friend . She appeared to be so sensual , and all she was doing was reading a book . That scene didn 't last long , as soon her eyes opened wide as she read a passage of the book . Eyes glued to the page , she reached down between her legs with her left hand and began caressing the outside of her panties . It didn 't take long for a bit of wetness to appear , and soon she slipped her hand inside the satiny briefs . It didn 't take a brain surgeon to know she was slowly fingering her pussy . I couldn 't believe my eyes . Here was my friend 's wife performing for the camera - and performing in a very hot manner . Soon , the book was put on the bed stand and Jessica was wiggling out of her underwear , sliding those panties down her thighs and baring a beautiful bald pussy . After leaning back , her hand and one lucky finger began attacking that pussy , and soon her breathing became heavier as she emitted light moans and groans . Jessica fingered herself for several minutes before reaching into the bed stand drawer and removing a long candle , which she proceeded to rub against her pussy . Her eyes were closed as she opened her pussy lips with one hand before slowly sliding the candle up her cunt . She began stroking the candle in and out of her wet pussy , rocking on the bed . " Oh no , it 's the gardener ! " Jessica cried out to nobody in particular . " Go away , go away ! Get out of my room ! " What followed was Steve coming into view in work clothes , talking in some sort of strange half - Mexican , half - Chinese accent . " Oh Senorita , what are you doing ? Maybe you need some help from a real man ? " Steve said . " I have something a lot better than your fingers and that candle . " Jessica drew back , but the candle was still firmly embedded in her wet cunt . The man moved closer , baring his chest . He slowly reached down and unzipped his pants , dropping them to the floor , then kicking them off his feet . Jessica , as ' Samantha , ' looked shocked at the thought of putting her perfect lips on this low life 's manhood . Now , it wasn 't the best acting job I had ever viewed , but my eyes and ears were locked on each and every word . It was like I was invisible , a spec on the wall with a full view of the action . The film wasn 't professional , but it was good . And my friend looked great in it . Down came Steve 's briefs and out popped his hard cock . I couldn 't believe how hung my best friend was ! Jessica 's eyes widened at its size , and she began to pull away , but soon Steve was kneeling above her head . He stroked his dick in front of her face , and then lowered down a bit and forcefully pulled Jessica 's head to it . Jessica pretended to resist , but after a few threatening words from the ' gardener ' she opened her mouth , and then closed it over the head of his cock and began polishing the knob with slow , sensual sucks . Steve began slowly inserting more of his large cock into his wife 's mouth . " Oh Mrs . Smith , you have a great mouth ! I can 't wait to shoot my hot cum in it , " he said . " Oh yes , and I will enjoy watching you swallow it down your lily white rich girl throat . " " You will swallow my cum , whether you like it or not ! " Steve replied . " But first , I will reward you for being such an excellent cocksucker , " he finished , and then he slipped around into a sixty - nine position . " Suck it ! " he ordered as he lowered his cock to Jessica 's mouth , and then dipped his head between her legs and started lapping at her pussy while she complied and began sucking on his big dick . " I , uh … I need to get one of the , uh … one of the boxes I left with you , " Steve stammered , and when he looked over my shoulder and saw one of his packing boxes - the box - in my living room , partially open , I thought he 'd collapse . " You didn 't look in it , did you ? " he asked with panic in his voice . " Can I have it back , please ? Look , Jessica will kill me if this ever gets out . Please , Jon , don 't get me in trouble with this . Please ! " I headed off to grab first the disc , and then the storage box on the way back . But as I was making my way to retrieve the copy , I remembered how Steve had complained for months about how his sex life with Jessica was boring , when in fact she was of porn star quality . That brought back memories of high school and how Steve always bragged about all the pussy he got , which in turn brought back memories of a girl named Jill Dorsey . Jill Dorsey was a girl in high school that I liked , a lot . I had been too afraid to ask her out , but , with Steve 's encouragement , I finally got up the nerve … and she said yes ! The date went really well . She seemed to like me a lot , too . We made out and felt each other up , but she stopped me when I tried to get in her pants , telling me she doesn 't do that on the first date . I was disappointed but that quickly changed when she immediately followed that with , " But if I like a guy , if I really like him , " and then she reached over and squeezed my crotch , " I will do oral on a second date . " Needless to say , I immediately asked her out again , and she accepted . Then , after sharing all the details of the date with Steve , including what she had promised to do on our second date , he turned around and asked her out behind my back . Not only that , but she cancelled her date with me , making up some excuse . It was later that I found out , overhearing her gossiping with friends at school , without her knowing I was nearby , that not only had she gone out on a date with Steve , but that she had given him a blowjob … and then fucked him ! On their first date ! It may have happened back when we were in high school , but the betrayal I felt at the hands of my best friend was something I had never quite gotten over . It was always in the back of my mind when I was around him . Now , it would seem , I had been given the perfect opportunity for a little payback ! |
Our friend Lucy had to go home and she took little Tinker with her . Ruff and Axl saw her leave but they continued to search the house following her scent wherever she had walked . Then after realizing Lucy and Tinker were really gone they seemed to suffer a big letdown . To our Rottweilers , a letdown is an excuse for a nap and so they did . Our good friend Lucy came for a visit on Christmas and she brought her little dog Tinker with her . This was the first time our Rottweilers had met Tinker and they didn 't seem to be bothered by her tiny size . Matter of fact , this little girl was just as bossy with the big boys as our Rottweiler Sassy . Just goes to prove that size doesn 't matter in the canine world , the girls are always in charge no matter how big or small they are . Tinker settled in right away and I got some pictures to share with our fans . Axl had to wait his turn when Tinker went to the water dish . Our boys were extremely polite and let tinker go first . Axl stepped away from his food dish for a moment and Tinker went over to help herself , one kibble at a time . I thought she might have had some ideas about eating from the Big Dog dish . Tinker even managed to trot around the house with the two boys following her everywhere . I think she was enjoying their attention . To see her walk underneath them was very funny but unfortunately I did not have the camera with me every moment . We posed this picture by placing Tinker on the couch between Axl and Ruff because she couldn 't get up there by herself . It sort of reminded me of this next picture I took seven years ago when we first got little Sassy when she was only eight weeks old . Sassy was sitting between her adopted mother Mocha and Mocha 's father Nikko . By the way , this is Tinker when she was only a year old . We had found a shoe scrapper that looked just like her and she was checking it out . Here we are , Ruff , Jackie ( best Rottie Mom in the world ) , Axl and me , all dressed up for Christmas wearing our Santa hats . So , from our house to yours , we wish you all a very Merry Christmas . Click the picture to enlarge . And we couldn 't be complete without little Sassy who joined our family portrait at the last minute . Notice how Ruff and Axl have discovered the pom - poms on their hats . You wouldn 't believe how long it took to get those hats to stay on just right . For the canine species who were raised on meat our Rottweilers love fruits and vegetables just as much . And they each have particular tastes . Ruff and Axl seem to enjoy everything , apples , grapes , melon , oranges and every kind of vegetable . Sassy is a bit more picky . Last night my wife Jackie sat down in the living room with a cut up orange . While she was peeling it to eat Axl and Ruff sat in front of her and began mooching . When they lock their radar onto food they just stare at it and send out thought waves to tell you to share it . Click the pictures for a larger view . And , Yes , they did get to have some but I wonder if they would enjoy eating the orange peel , too ? Last night we had another six inches of new snow on top of three inches that fell a few days ago . With temperatures staying between zero and 25 degrees , the old snow never melted . After what we saw last year , the deeper the snow the more the Rottweilers seem to enjoy it , especially Ruff and his 9 - year old buddy Axl . Here are a few pictures taken a little while ago . The first picture was from the snow fall , three days ago . The sky got very bright and clear and Ruff looked like he was posing for a statue . I love the way he gazes off into the distance over the expanse of clear snow in our neighbors back yard where he does not go to explore . Click the pictures for a larger view . Then this afternoon Ruff and Axl went for a walk out back , or I should say a run out back because they seldom just walk around and they began chasing each other . Their favorite game was to run around one of the trees after each other . First they would run in one direction for a few turns then stop and reverse direction . All this has happened and Winter doesn 't begin until December 21st . It looks like the boys are going to have a lot of fun this year . Well , not really hibernating , just taking a lot of snoozes through the day . We have had our second snowfall for the season and it gives us all more reasons to stay cozy indoors . Our Rottie 's love to take naps and it must be infectious just like when you see someone yawning . We all sat down the other night to watch a movie on television and when it was over I discovered that I was the only one still awake . This is our oldest Rottweiler , Axl , sleeping next to his Mom . I have always wondered why anything that sleeps 12 - 14 hours a day could have such a short lifespan . God love ' em , you don 't ever want them to suffer from any stress or tension . I just wish they wouldn 't snore so loud . The weatherman was wrong but the Rottweilers are happy in spite of it . Today we had our first snow and even though it was a little more than a dusting , Ruff and Axl had some fun checking it out . After a terribly hot Summer with over 60 days of above 90 degrees temperature and a 5 month long drought , finally the seasons are getting back to normal . Just a few weeks before Thanksgiving we were more than 8 inches below normal rainfall . Then we had three soaking rains that delivered more than 5 inches of rain in two weeks . And following the last heavy rain we had some cold air move in to turn the last bit of rain into SNOW . Of course , as soon as the boys came back in the house our old man Axl had to take a nap on his mom 's lap . Ruff has been the joy of my life since the day I bought him from a great Rottweiler breeder , Theresa Howard . I can 't begin to tell you how many times people have told me how handsome and beautiful and gorgeous he is . I didn 't make up those words , that is what everyone has said . Ruff loves to meet people and has charmed more women into hugs and kisses with his friendly smile than I could begin to count . Ruff may be all grown up now , but he still acts like the lovable puppy he has always been . Posted by I was walking to the living room and spotted the three Rottweilers all on the same couch , intently watching the television . I quietly fetched my camera and caught this shot . Then I walked around to see what they were watching . It was a figure skating competition . And when they looked up at me I took a second picture . It just seems like they were all saying , " Hi ! " . I love the smiley faces they all had . This was a lucky shot with no second chances . They are a happy bunch . I found an old photo I had taken about 6 years ago and it brought back some wonderful memories . Our Rottie 's Mom was telling them a story and it happened just the way it looks in the photo . It was their favorite story and they all paid close attention whenever Mom told it . It was how the Rotties ( in our home ) came to Kentucky . Here is the picture and then I 'll tell the story to you . My wife and I came to Kentucky in 1991 after I got a job transfer from New York with Delta Air Lines . Four years later my daughter Terry on Long Island invited us back for Thanksgiving and we drove our car 800 miles back home . Terry had been given a pair of Rottweilers from a couple who were getting divorced and these two Rotties , named Nikko and Felony , had produced a litter of puppies . Terry sold the puppies but saved one of them for me and we took it home to Kentucky . I named the puppy Mocha ( seen in the photo - pink collar on the left , with Nikko and Sassy ) . Mocha was the first Rottweiler I had ever owned and she was the smartest dog I 've ever met . She learned things quickly and loved to do work . Mo would carry things when you told her to and go up and down the stairs and deliver them . From the day she was two years old Mocha went outside every day and picked up the newspaper and brought it in the house . Soon after we got her I started to call her Mo for short . Mo was both goofy and lovable at the same time and she attached herself to me and followed me wherever I went in the house . When we were visiting my daughter that Thanksgiving in 1995 I got to meet Nikko and Felony . They were both beautiful dogs with a majestic and noble character and an inquisitive nature . They both checked us over carefully when we entered my daughter 's house and we made friends with them right away . Six months later my wife got a phone call from Terry saying she had to move and couldn 't keep Nikko and Felony . My wife volunteered to drive back to Long Island by herself and bring the two Rottweilers back to Kentucky . As soon as they arrived home I realized we were going to be very cramped having three large dogs in a small house on a 50x150 foot property . I started looking around for a good home for these two . I searched the Internet and found a Rottweiler group and posted a message putting them up for adoption . The biggest problem was they were almost 5 years old . I soon learned about Rottweiler Rescue groups where people volunteer to transport these dogs long distances to new homes , even connecting with other volunteers who would take then a few more hundred miles . Then one day about two weeks after Nikko and Felony came into our home I happened to catch a look from Felony and I had the strangest feeling that I could no longer give them up . And I was so close to doing just that . I had actually begun to make arrangements for a meeting place halfway with a woman from Wisconsin when I called her to say we had changed our mind . I have never regretted that decision . Nikko , Felony and Mo became My Three Bears and they filled our home with so much joy and love . My wife told me later that on her way back to Kentucky she would talk to the dogs in her car and tell them they would never need another place to live . I think they all knew this and they worked on me from the moment they walked in the door . In 2003 I created the illustration below of Mo and Nikko and called it Thief of Hearts because that is how I felt about them . And that is how the Rottweilers came to Kentucky . Well , the version of the story Mom tells her Rotties in the photo above is a little different than the one I just wrote about . Mom 's version goes something like this . " We all got up in the middle of the night and got into my little car ( a Ford Escort wagon ) and we went for a very long ride . We went over the river and crossed the bridge and through the tunnels and then we went through the mountains . We stopped along the way and had breakfast and then we stopped again and had some dinner . We rode in the car for a very long time . After more than 12 hours until we crossed another river and went over the bridge to our new home in Kentucky . And we all lived happily ever after . " I haven 't posted any news and photos here for almost a month because a lot has happened . Apart from the very important mid - term elections which took some effort campaigning for the people we supported , we had a great time enjoying a week - long visit from our daughter Karen who flew down from Long Island . Karen has owned Rottweilers for a long time and was anxious to meet in person the creatures she had only seen in my pictures . I must say that Karen fell in love with our big baby Ruff , but that didn 't happen right away . The moment Karen came into our home she was greeted the same way our Rottweilers greet everyone else . Exuberantly ! Yes , with an exclamation point . The first thing Karen said to Ruff was , " I don 't want to get my face washed . " But I must post some pictures that tell a different version of this . Karen was trying very hard to keep Ruff off of her . It almost looked like a wrestling match . A few hours later , this is what happened . I think you get the picture , pun intended . Ruff has a one - track mind and when he wants to do something he works at it until he does . Ruff followed Karen everywhere and then to his surprise , our visitor didn 't leave at the end of the day . So Ruff slept on Karen 's bed in our finished basement every night she was here . Karen helped us put a new pool cover on the swimming pool and Ruff was right there with her . By now he seemed to totally infatuated with his new girl friend by the look on his face . We all went out to dinner at the Hofbrauhaus in Newport . Twenty years ago on our 30th anniversary , Jackie and I flew to Munich , Germany and had dinner in the famous Hofbrauhaus restaurant there . The one in Newport is first American copy and the food and drink are exactly the same . That is our old friend Lucy in the above picture taken at Hofbrauhaus . Although Karen was here to visit her Mom she managed to find time to do a lot of yard work and play with the gardening tools . She had a lot of fun playing with the leaf blower . The night before she went home we had a few more friends over for dinner and our Rottweilers favorite couple Bev and Rich paid us a visit . You may say that our Rottweilers often misbehave when we have company but they are so full of love they just get very excited to meet old friends . Bev 's husband Rich is the one they are particularly fond of as you can see from these pictures . Bev told me that Rich thinks he is Ruff 's boy - toy because Ruff loves to play with him so much . Everyone is ignoring Bev because they all want to give Rich kisses or is it because she has her arms folded ? But wait , Ruff isn 't finished yet . After dinner , when everyone was posing for a final group picture , Ruff pulled a sneak attack on his Aunti Bev . A perfect Gotcha ! moment to be added to my collection . Well after a fun filled week , Karen had to finally go home and take care of her own dogs ( and cats ) and Ruff spent the whole day looking for her everywhere around the house . Then the next day she gave us a phone call and we turned on the speakerphone so Ruff could hear her voice . Posted by I got an ad in the mail a few weeks ago for a series of Rottweiler Flags , with a different seasonal theme for each month of the year . With so much of my life centered around our Rottweilers , I couldn 't resist adding this to our collection of Rottweiler paraphernalia . When the first flag arrived everyone who saw it said it looked like my 4 - year old baby Ruff had posed for the pictures . Here is the ad that came in the mail . If you want to order one see the link below . You can check out Willabee and Ward 's web site at http : / / www . willabeeandwardproducts . com / collectibles / product . asp ? code = 2591 Now here are two photos of Ruff sitting in front of the first flag we received . I tried several times to get him to smile with his tongue hanging out like in the flag but I couldn 't get him to do it . Ruff has been loosing his baby face expressions as he gets older . I just went back in some of my older pictures of Ruff , taken last year , and found the perfect match for his smiley face grin . Here it is . Now you can see why so many people said the flag Rottie looked like him . You can even see his dimples . You would think that after spending almost all summer indoors because the outside temperature hovered above 90 degrees almost every day that once it got cool we would be outside . Wrong . The weather did get cool and then dropped some 15 degrees below normal daily temperatures and out bodies hadn 't adjusted to it . So we continue to spend more time inside the house . So today my wife Jackie was sitting on the couch with her two favorite Rottweilers , Ruff and Axl and I gave her some dog biscuits to feed her friends . One thing led to another and our little girl Sassy joined in for a few pictures . Click pictures for larger view . All 's well that ends well . Everyone got some biscuits and I got some nice pictures . Posted by This morning around 8AM I let Ruff and Axl go out into the fenced portion of our property that surrounds the pool for their potty break . Shortly after while I was in the kitchen making some coffee I looked out the window and spotted the dogs at the far end of the swimming pool , and one of them had a tail . In spite of the fact that I had not had my morning coffee yet I knew in an instant that one of those dogs wasn 't mine so I went out to see who it was . The dog was a good size , about 60 LBS and was a solid color that was almost black with some reds and browns evenly mixed in from head to tail . I have never seen a dog like this so I could not tell his breed . He also didn 't have any collar . The dog looked a bit overweight and he was old . I could see his gray whiskers speckling his muzzle . I guessed by his age and weight that he didn 't climb over the fence into our yard and because we have a chain around every gate I thought someone may have put him inside the fence . Maybe someone who knew we cared about dogs and they couldn 't take care of him any more so they left him with us . Our visitor seemed somewhat timid but not aggressive and our guys were quite interested in checking him out in their friendly fashion . I went inside and got a bowl of water and a dish of dog food and left it on the sidewalk in back of the pool . I also took Ruff and Axl back inside so they could have their own breakfast while our visitor could find the dishes I left for him . I saw from the window that he did drink some water and I was very curious how he got in our yard . After we had our breakfast I went outside to find him but he wasn 't in the yard any more . I have already checked the perimeter of the fencing to make sure there was no way our Rottweilers could get out of the yard so unless I missed something our visitor didn 't go under the chain - link fence . How he got in and how he got out remains a mystery . Posted by We have a wide open back yard almost 500 feet deep beyond the fenced in swimming pool , with a tree lined creek running across the end . All of our neighbor 's property on both sides of us are the same . The Rottweilers love this area as it gives them so much room to run around in . Last night after dinner , about 7PM I took Ruff and Axl for a walk down the back and all of a sudden they both took off in a run that I thought was their usual play thing . It was already close to sunset and the light was dim but still bright enough to see the expanse of the property . Then I noticed they had spotted a deer and were in hot pursuit after it . As soon as I saw the white tail of the deer standing up in the air against the backdrop of the darker trees behind it and the deer racing away in long leaps I started yelling for Ruff and Axl to stop and come back . By this time they had only ran about 200 feet across our property and our next door neighbor 's property as well . The deer was getting further away by every second . The boys were extremely excited by this whole event and were very much out of breath when then came back . They both were supercharged with adrenalin from their chase and continued to be excited even after we got back in the house . In spite of his being almost 9 - years old , Axl was actually running ahead of Ruff during the chase . It was a sight I will never forget and hope to never see again . I don 't know how long they would have chased the deer if I hadn 't stopped them in time . I was standing about where the " A " marker is and the red line is the path of our racing Rottweilers . Last night we were invited to bring Axl to the local library to be part of the Puppy Tails program where small children sit with a dog and read a book to them . Everyone who has met Axl has been impressed with his very gentle demeanor and a woman who works with therapy dogs told us about this program and invited us to participate . Axl will be 9 years old next month and he has lived with us for the past year . I know the lady who purchased him as she used to be a breeder and Axl is a pedigree Rottweiler . She sold him to a handicapped woman after changing her plans and this woman who also was a dog trainer trained Axl to be a service dog and he lived with her for 7 years until their house was destroyed in a fire last July . I was lucky to be allowed to adopt him and it was only because his first owner put in a good recommendation for me . Axl has been my wife 's constant companion since the day he came to live with us . We brought Axl over to the William E . Durr branch of the Kenton County Library at 6 : 30 pm and the woman in charge of the program told us how it would work . They had four dogs come in to a large room and sit in opposite corners and each child would sit with a dog for twenty minutes and read a book . The children were allowed to pick the dog they wanted to read to . There were two small dogs and a yellow Lab along with Axl . Jackie and I sat with Axl and as the first group of children came in the room . The first child in the room was a little girl , about 4 years old and she walked right over to Axl and petted him and sat with her mother to read . Axl was a little nervous because he had never been there before so I guess he didn 't know what to do . He just sat there and seemed to want to spend more time with his Mom than with the little girl . Axl did manage to give the little girl some licks and the little girl was petting him on his head a lot . I was more concerned over Axl 's reaction to the other dogs but after the first nose to nose greeting with the second dog who entered the room , nothing happened . The next Posted by One picture is worth a thousand words or so they say . That would make this a very short post . Our favorite old Rottweiler , Axl , who will be 9 years old next month , spent the evening laying on the couch between me and my wife while we were watching a movie . It shouldn 't make any difference that it was a funny movie about animals and that Ruff watched the whole thing from the other couch , and thankfully , didn 't charge up to the TV and leave nose prints on the screen . Axl , on the other hand , slept through the whole thing . And did he ever sleep . After the movie ended my wife and I got up from the couch and Axl remained sound asleep with his head resting on the table I made from a slice of a tree , with his front legs dangling off the edge of the couch . When we came back in the living room Axl hadn 't moved one bit so I went and got the camera to record the scene . After taking a few pictures we sat down and watched the 11 o ' clock news and then we carefully woke him up so he could go out and do his pees before bedtime . By the way , this Summer has been one for the record books . We have had a severe drought and more than 60 days of temperatures in the 90 's . It has been so uncomfortably hot we have not been outside very much at all . That would explain the lack of more posts and pictures . The weather has just begun to cool off and all we need now is some rain . On Sunday we took Ruff to Petsmart to buy some dog food and it was very busy in the store . Ruff likes to meet people so he really enjoyed himself . Ruff walked through the store like a celebrity and managed to attract several women who all stopped to pet him and a few even let him give them kisses . When we walked into the store there was a young woman working the register who recognized him and knows his name and in spite of having a few customers waiting to check out , she greeted Ruff , got some kisses and gave him a treat . It is that kind of attitude that makes us all look forward to shopping there . The customers waiting to check out all seemed to enjoy the display of friendliness . On the way out of the store Ruff spotted a young female employee he had not met before so he jumped up on the partition by her register where she was working to introduce himself . She looked like a new hire and was very friendly toward Ruff . With his paws on top of the partition his head was at the same level as hers and he began giving her kisses . Then the girl pulled back and cringed and said , " Agggh , he put his tongue in my mouth . " I was tempted to inform her she needed to keep her mouth closed when getting kissed by a large dog but we just left the store , instead . We all came back from a walk after dinner tonight and sat down to watch our favorite 7 PM television show , Wheel of Fortune , and as usual Ruff and Axl climbed up on the couch . Only difference this time was that Mom had already sat down so Ruff decided the only way he could find room was to become a lap dog again . We all coexist with each other in the house and the Rottweilers seem to take us for granted some times . Axl has adopted Mom as his personal property since he came to live with us eleven months ago so when his best friend Ruff takes over Mom 's lap , Axl seems hurt . Luckily , Ruff has a short attention span and soon left . Maybe he realized his 115LB bulk was making Mom a little uncomfortable . Axl didn 't waste any time reclaiming his property . Having worked in the airline business for 40 years for two major airlines I retired over 15 years ago to my dream home in rural Kentucky . My life was changed in 2017 when Jacqueline , my wife of 56 years , passed away . Now I spend all my time enjoying the remainder of my retirement with my last two Rottweilers , Bess and Ruff . This blog is not about me , it is about the Rottweilers who stole my heart and have filled my life with their love . I plan to update this blog with future posts of our adventures but will begin , as all good stories do , at the beginning . The story began in 1995 . You can follow it in the Blog Archive on the left with some of the pages I saved from my original web site . |
I 'm a little bummed , though . You know I used to make all these scarves for a charity called Scarves From The Heart . They deliver them to cancer patients at a treatment center near where they are located . But when I went to the website to get the address , apparently they 've dismembered , or disbanded , or disengaged , or whatever charities do when they shut down . Whatever you call it , they aren 't there any more . So , now I need to find a new charity to send my scarves to . Speaking of scarves , I just realized I never showed you Beverly 's finished cowl . I can now that she 's got it . Oh , and my sister sent me some bear sausage . Well , something like a slim jim , only made with bear meat . I haven 't opened them yet . She also sent me some of that really good fireweed jelly that she makes . I 'm almost tempted to move to Alaska myself , just to get some more of that stuff . My younger brother and sister in law sent me a gift card to Amazon . com , so what did I do but buy a book . Uglies , by Scott Westerfield . Everybody gets to be supermodel gorgeous . What could be wrong with that ? Tally is about to turn sixteen , and she can 't wait . Not for her license But Tally 's new friend Shay isn 't sure she wants to be pretty . She 'd rather risk life on the outside . When Shay runs away , Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world - - and it isn 't very pretty . The authorities offer Tally the worst choice she can imagine : find her friend and turn her in , or never turn pretty at all . The choice Tally makes changes her world forever . It is the first of a series , but I haven 't bought the second book yet . Next up on the reading list is The Handmaid 's Tale , by Margaret Atwood . I 'll let you know how it goes . My Mammaw had a nativity set . I don 't remember us having one in our house , but Mammaw did . When we would go over to her house , she always had the figures spread out in a lovely little tableau that frankly , just didn 't make sense to my childish logic . I would move the pieces closer , inside the stable , crowded around the baby so that they could see him . Because that 's what they 'd really be doing . They 'd want to see the baby . Mammaw got on to me about it one time , and I said , " But Mammaw , they want to see the baby . They can 't see him way out there . " She never said another word , but she 'd put them back after I had gone home . We got a Pong game the first year it came out . You had to wire it into your TV where the antenna hooked up . It was harder to play than it looked . It seems so primitive now , but it was all the rage when it came out . Even though our family was by no means wealthy , we got some pretty cool toys . I know a lot of people talk about being disappointed that they didn 't get what they wanted , but I don 't remember ever not getting what I 'd asked for . Christmas was always good at our house . I wish I had some old photos to go with this post , but most of them were ruined in the hurricane . I think a lot of the original home movies were destroyed , too , so I 'm glad my dad and I took the time to transfer them to video . I had my copies here with me , so they 're still OK . Thinking at first that my DVD player had gone crazy and was spinning the disc spinner thingy , I turned it off , but the buzzing noise continued . Then I thought it was my old movie camera , so I made sure it was turned off . It was , and the buzzing noise continued , still . Listening carefully , I realized it was coming from outside . I opened my front door , and it was a car horn . My first thought was that the people across the street were being annoying . They do have a teenager , after all . But no , it wasn 't coming from their house . It was coming from Cody 's truck . You know , my son Cody , who is in Texas right now . Not that he would have known what to do anyway . He 's not very mechanically minded is he . My first thought was to disconnect the battery , but I had to call James - - who is also in Texas - - to tell me where a wrench or channel locks or something is , because all my tools have mysteriously disappeared . He tells me to take the fuse out , but I don 't know where the fuse box is , and it 's too dark to try to find it . Then he tells me to disconnect the horn wire , but I don 't know where the horn is . So I finally get a wrench and pull the negative battery cable off . And finally , we have blessed quiet once again . Then I texted Cody and told him his truck was demon possessed . Seriously , though , I hope it 's something that can be fixed easily and inexpensively . He needs his truck . When I was a child , I 'd always wanted to have my Christmas tree in the front window of my house , so that I could see it from the street . Our house just wasn 't designed for this , though . Our living room did have a big window , but it didn 't face the street . It faced our next door neighbor 's garage . But that one Christmas . . . that Christmas of 1998 , I decided that by golly , I was going to have my tree in that front window , no matter how much of a major undertaking it was . That was the year I fulfilled my childhood dream . That was the year I had my tree in the front window . That was the year we had no electricity on Christmas Day , because that was the year of the big ice storm . I remember it like it was yesterday . Christmas was on a Friday that year , and I 'd saved enough vacation to be off of work for that whole week . The storm started on Tuesday . It had been so hot all day , with a strong South wind blowing . It was so strong that I had to close all my Southern facing windows , but that made it miserably hot inside the house . We were watching A Muppet Christmas Carol when the wind hit . I could hear it coming , screaming like a banshee across the pasture , and when it hit , the whole house shook . The temperature dropped 20 degrees in as many minutes . Sometime during the night , the rain started . By the time we woke up Wednesday morning , there was already a pretty heavy layer of ice on everything . Cody was down with a cold , but he really , really wanted to go out and knock icicles off of stuff . I bundled him up well , and let him go out for about 20 minutes , then made him come back in and drink hot chocolate . As the day wore on , and the rain continued to fall , I began to hear branches creaking and popping . I opened my front door and looked out , just in time to see the entire top of my across the street neighbor 's tree fall out . About 15 minutes later , James came knocking on my door . I 'd already put Cody to bed , but it seemed the better part of valor to get him up and go next door . After I 'd gotten him settled into bed over there , I helped James hook up their generator . About an hour later , the electricity went out , and didn 't come back on for 5 days . It took even longer for the temperature to get above freezing . It was so cold that we used Beverly 's screened porch as an extra freezer . Seriously . That evening , Christmas Eve , we opened the gifts that we would normally open with Beverly and James . I had to run back to our house to leave a note for Santa , letting him know where Cody would be that night . Well , Santa got that note , because he brought Cody 's presents to the right house . You know , back in 1998 , that 's when times were good . We got lots of presents that year , and they were all at our house . I 'd got a big garbage bag , and would trudge to the house and get a load of gifts . We 'd open them , then I 'd go back and get some more . It took about 5 trips to bring all the presents over . In a way , it was good , because we were able to make the excitement last a little longer . In a way , it was bad , because by that time , I had caught Cody 's cold , and was getting sicker by the minute . As if that weren 't enough , James had gone back to work that morning , so I had to run out and check the generator oil , and keep it gassed up . But Michael was on his way . They lived in Atlanta at that time , and were coming for a visit . They had to wait until Christmas Day to come , because one of them ( I don 't remember which one ) had had to work Christmas Eve . I tell you , I was never so glad to see Mike as I was that day . By the time they got here , my fever was up to 102 ' , and I was miserable . But now that he was home , he could check the generator , and I could just lay on the couch and be sick . Which I did - - for the next three days . Also , we invited a single mom to come for dinner , because she didn 't have any electricity either . She , her older daughter , and a friend came . They had been cooking stuff on top of their wood insert , so they were glad to get a real meal . My mother had sent me the first few of the Left Behind books , and the daughter grabbed the first one and read the whole time they were there . I don 't remember where the younger daughter was . She may have been with her dad that year . After our electricity was back on , James took the generator out to their house and hooked it up for them so they could have some heat . When theirs got turned back on , he took it to another house , and so on until everyone had power again . Which brings us to today . What with the young - un all grown up and gone and all , I was feeling pretty nostalgic , so I dug out my old home movies and watched a few of them . While it was fun looking back at times past , without those movies , all of those Christmases past just seemed to run together . In the winter of 1863 , America was in the midst of a great and terrible Civil War . A war in which brother killed brother , and fathers fought against sons . The nation was divided , and on the verge of falling apart . Henry Wadsworth Longfellow had recently lost his wife in a house fire , and his son - - who had joined the army in defiance of his father - - lay severely wounded . It was in this context that Longfellow , in his despair , wrote a poem he called Christmas Bells . We know it today as I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day . I heard the bells on Christmas Day Today , our country face much the same despair as in Longfellow 's time . We are as divided as we have ever been in our history . We are facing almost certain economic collapse . There is corruption in our government beyond what our forefathers ever could have imagined . Indeed , we already live under more tyranny than they fought to overthrow . And there is an undercurrent of unrest among the population , leading some to believe that we may be facing another civil war . Yet , we have the same hope that existed in Longfellow 's time . God is not dead nor does he sleep . The wrong shall fail . The right prevail . With peace on Earth , good will to men . Give up your own guns first . Or at least stop making such ultraviolent movies that glorify guns and killing . Or praising cop killers in your nasty rap lyrics . I didn 't take nearly as many pictures this year as I usually do . I got enough to prove that Christmas came , then I decided instead to just put the camera down and enjoy the time spent with family . Today has been kinda weird , in that it feels like the day after Christmas . I did save a couple of presents to open Christmas morning , but here is my loot from last night : FEET PAJAMAS ! ! ! I didn 't sleep in them last night , but I did wear them around the house this morning until it warmed up some . I really do like them , but I 'm almost afraid to sleep in them because they are fleece . Night sweats and fleece feet pajamas simply do not go together . It 's supposed to get cold again next week , so I may try to sleep in them one night . The bad news is , I didn 't get any of my siblings ' presents mailed . You know , there was that whole end of the world thing going on , and I sure wasn 't going to go to the post office if the world was about to end . Well , that 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Posted by Be not deceived , God is not mocked . And because we 're all just here by random chance , there is no Creator , and because there is no Creator , there is no accountability , and because there is no accountability , there are no consequences , and because there are no consequences , there is no right or wrong , so if it feels good do it , and if it 's right for you , it 's right , and people ought to be able to live the way they want to , and " DON ' T JUDGE ME ! ! ! " Don 't you judge me . . . And we 've bought into the lie that unless our children are perfectly happy all the time , we are failures as parents , so we become their pals instead their parents because we want them to like us , and we give them everything their little hearts desire , and indulge their every whim , and our child must be the special one , so we have mothers murdering teenage girls so her daughter can have that spot on the cheerleading squad , and we have daddies shooting little league coaches because his son wasn 't getting enough playing time , and we have parents killing teachers for giving their precious darling a failing grade . And our kids see this . Our kids see our example , so we have children killing each other over t - shirts and tennis shoes , or because he was wearing the wrong hat , or because the music was too loud . Sandy Hook Elementary School , Newtown , Connecticut . Be not deceived , God is not mocked . Then we sit back and act all shocked and surprised , and wonder how could this have happened when our children end up becoming exactly what we 've taught them to be . It all started yesterday . There was this guy hanging around the line . He looked familiar , but I can 't really remember ever having seen him before . I looked at him a minute , trying to place him , but couldn 't , so I went back to work . After a couple of minutes , I noticed him waving . Thinking he was waving at someone behind me , I ignored him . The next time I looked up , he waved again . I looked behind me , but there was no one there . Again , I ignored him and went back to work . He walked over to my brazing stand and said , in a very snotty , condescending tone , " Make sure you 're using your purging gas . You act like no one has ever told you that before . " Because apparently I was supposed to get that out of him indiscriminately waving his hand around . . . Nevertheless , that was entirely the wrong thing to say . " No , " I replied . " I was just wondering who you are . " He told me that he was the inspector over our line for the rest of the week . Knowing I only had 2 days left , I decided to just ignore him until our regular inspector got back after Christmas . Which brings us to today . I was at my stand , doing my work , minding my own business , off in my own little world , when I look up and see this guy just glaring at me . Face all scrunched up , neck poked out , eyes squinted . The works . I guess he was trying to intimidate me . It didn 't work . Dude , I have a CAT . I get that look a thousand times a day . If you want to intimidate me , you 're going to have to do better than that . But , seeing his attempts at making a face , I kind of did a double take , then burst out laughing . Still giggling , I went back to my work , still bent on ignoring the kid . At that point , the guy - - now remember , I had never seen this guy before yesterday , and had been ignoring him ever since - - but he walks up to me and says , I guess that 's where the expression peckerhead comes from . " What makes you think I was looking at you ? " I asked . " I never said anything to you . I wasn 't looking at you . I wasn 't thinking about you . " " Then go away and do it , Little Temp " , I said . ( The guy isn 't even ADP . He 's a temporary employee . If you ask me , temps shouldn 't be given positions of authority over full time folks . ) The more I thought about it , the madder I got , so I went and turned him in . When I told the supervisor what he 'd said , he dropped his pen . He couldn 't believe that this kid had said that , and agreed with me that it was totally inappropriate . He came back and told me that they 'd taken him up to HR and had a " conversation " about the situation . Later , my friend Billy came up to me and asked what I 'd done to the auditor down there , so I told him the story . He laughed and said , " I told him ' You 're lucky she didn 't beat your * * * into the ground ' . " You have no idea how hard it was not to do that . . . He came back later and said , " I 'll bet you he doesn 't say anything else . They chewed him up one side and down the other . " The plan was to come home and make at least one batch of cookies , but nope . It just didn 't happen . I was too tired to really do anything . All the plans I had for this evening went by the wayside , except for one . I did watch The Homecoming . Still , so many of my favorite Christmas movies I haven 't had time to watch yet . But since tomorrow is my last day of work , that 's the plan . Bake cookies and watch movies . And I hope to get caught up with all these blog posts I have rattling around in my head . TMI warning , but it 's not too bad . About a year ago , I started taking those women 's vitamins . You know , the ones that are supposed to keep you from having hot flashes and night sweats and mood swings and all that ? Well , they did that , but they also seemed to turn off my brain . I stopped dreaming , I stopped writing . I lost all my creativity . A couple of weeks ago , I stopped taking them . I tell you , it 's been like coming out of a fog . Speaking of Christmas shows , I 've been tuning in to ABCFamily 's 25 Days Of Christmas , and it 's been a bit of a disappointment . Seems that the only three Christmas shows they 've ever heard of are Home Alone , Disney 's Christmas Carol , and The Polar Express . They keep showing those three over and over , and over and over again . Why ? There are so many to choose from ! I 'd love to see Christmas Every Day , but my station doesn 't show it . I read on GetGlue . com that other people are getting to see it , but just not here . Bummed . That was one of my favorites . I have it on VHS , but no longer have a VHS player since mine went out last month . The usual suspects : Turkish Delight , chocolate fudge , and peanut butter fudge . Tomorrow , I 'll start on the cookies : Snickerdoodles , gumdrop cookies , cherry kisses . I also made a clove and orange pomander . I have one more orange , so I 'll do another one , too . The last Christmas gift is wrapped , and I 've got two more days of work until I 'm off for the rest of the year . Right now , though , I have to go stop the cat from eating the garland around my front door . Oops , didn 't make it in time , and now she 's puking it up all over the kitchen floor . And everything was going so well . . . And I 've always known he 'd written poetry , too , but never really took the time to read any of it . Recently , I was introduced to one of Kipling 's poems , and just fell in love with it . Thank you , Bill Whittle . So , here I present it to you : The Gods Of The Copybook Headings . It was written in 1919 , but it 's amazing how relevant it is today . ( If you don 't know what a copybook heading is , click the link above . Bill explains it right before he reads the poem to you . ) And the Gods of the Copybook Headings , I notice , outlast them all . We were living in trees when they met us . They showed us each in turn And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said : " The Wages of Sin is Death . " In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all , By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul ; But , though we had plenty of money , there was nothing our money could buy , And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said : " If you don 't work you die . " Then the Gods of the Market tumbled , and their smooth - tongued wizards withdrew For years , I 've used a photo hosting site called Webshots . Not only did I post my own photos to my albums there , but they also had daily professional photos that you could download and use as screensavers . I liked this service so much that I even upgraded to the premium membership . A few weeks ago , Webshots announced that their owners - - American Greetings - - had decided to delete the site . I don 't remember what their reasoning was , but they no longer felt that it was profitable or something , and were going to take it down . Instead of losing the site completely , some of the admins pooled their money and bought it from AG . But it 's not the same . I don 't know why they didn 't get it as is , but now it looks like something from a Jr High computer literacy class project . Yeah , all my photos are still on the site , but they are no longer organized into the albums I had them in . If I want a specific photo , now I have to search through a something like 4000 + photos , all in one giant stream . Not only that , I can 't choose specific photos to be in my screen saver the way I could before . So , instead of my Christmas and Winter photos , EVERY photo I 've ever taken is now rotating through my screen saver . Very amateurish . But probably the worst of all - - all the photos I 'd hotlinked from the site are now no longer available . As of now , there is no way to hotlink the photos that are still on the site , so to replace the photos , say on my blog , I 'm going to have to get all my photos uploaded to another site like Flickr or Photobucket , then hotlink each one individually to get them back onto my blog . That is going to take some time , and be a total pain in the patootie . And it would have been nice if they 'd given us a little warning . Posted by P . S . I don 't like the way YouTube is now . When I try to share a song from my playlist , it links to the entire playlist . I have to search for each song individually to share just one song . Blech . Put it back ! Posted by I 'm going to look for one tomorrow at Wal - Mart . If I can 't find one there , I 'll order this one from Amazon . com . And if that doesn 't work , I 've got plenty of lights left . I buy them obsessively on clearance each year after Christmas . But I 'd rather not have to partially undecorate the tree to change out the lights if I don 't have to . We 'll see . . . Now , about all that brazing rod you are claiming I am leaving laying around . . . Shortly after you got moved to our line , I brought the group leader , the shift supervisor , and the production superintendent over to show them the rod that was being left in the trays and on the table that is now behind us . I also showed them a large amount of rod that had been thrown in the garbage . I confirmed with the production superintendent this morning that he did indeed remember this . " I absolutely do remember it " were his exact words . That morning , the group leader also made a note on the chart about the bits of rod not being used up . In case you were unaware , those charts , and the comments left on them , are entered into the computer in the Quality office at the end of each day . The relevant chart can easily be retrieved to prove that what I am saying is correct . I 'm not quite sure why you are suddenly trying to imply that I am the one leaving all the pieces of brazing rod in the trays , but you aren 't fooling anyone . We all know where that rod is coming from . Now , I don 't know who you are trying to impress - - or intimidate - - by leaving all these notes , but it 's not going to work . I 'm not impressed , and I will not be intimidated . So , here is my proposed solution to your problem : Yep . Just do your job , and I 'll just do mine . You tend your business , and I will tend mine . You make sure you are doing what is right , and I will do the same . You stop leaving all these childish little notes , and I won 't take this matter to the front office , and we 'll all just try to get along , OK ? I heard you Sunday night , during the Cowboys game , using the tragic death of Javon Belcher and his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins to speak out against the so called " gun culture " of this country . It 's the " gun culture " , you implied , that is responsible for these deaths . If Javon Belcher hadn 't had a gun , he and Kasandra Perkins would still be alive , you claim . There is something I 'd like for you to clear up for me , though . When Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were found with their throats slashed , why didn 't you speak out against the knife culture ? OJ didn 't have a gun , yet Nicole and Ronald are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Andrea Yates drowned her five children , why didn 't you speak out against the bathtub culture ? Andrea didn 't have a gun , yet those five babies are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When James Byrd was dragged to his death , why didn 't you speak out against the pickup trucks on country roads culture ? Shawn Berry , Lawrence Brewer , and John King didn 't have a gun , and yet James Byrd is still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Timothy McVeigh blew up the Alfred P . Murrah building in Oklahoma City , why didn 't you speak out against the rental truck culture ? McVeigh didn 't have a gun , yet those 168 people are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When 19 terrorists hijacked four jets and flew them into three buildings and a field in Pennslyvania * , why didn 't you speak out against the airplane culture ? Not one of those men had a gun , yet those nearly 3000 people who died that day are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Ki Suk Han was shoved in to his death on the subway tracks in New York , why didn 't you speak out against the subway culture ? The man who pushed him didn 't have a gun , yet Ki Suk Han is still dead . So , how did that happen ? You see here the fallacy of your argument . You are blaming the gun for the action of the man holding it . These are but a few well known examples of murders committed without using guns . In fact , the majority of murders in the United States don 't involve guns at all . You could take away all the guns in the land and people would still kill people , because murder originates in the heart . What we must do to reduce violence is to change the heart . How do we do that ? Well , it won 't be easy , and it won 't happen overnight , but perhaps we could start by hanging signs in our schoolrooms that say : not the " gun culture " that is responsible for Javon Belcher 's death , and that of his girlfriend . It 's the abortion culture that is responsible , because it teaches us that human life is cheap , and that if that life is inconvenient , then it is OK to just kill it . It 's the evolution culture that teaches us that we are no more than glorified apes , no better than any bug or worm that crawls through the mud . Then you act surprised when people act like the animals you teach us we are . It is the abortion culture that teaches us that we are not set apart , that we are not created in God 's image , because it teaches that there is no God . And if there is no God , there is no judgement . If there is no judgement , there is no accountability , so what is to stop us from killing with impunity ? It is the entitlement culture that teaches us that we can do whatever we want , take whatever we want , no matter who it hurts . It 's not this mythical " gun culture " that is responsible , because it simply doesn 't exist . If Javon Belcher hadn 't had a gun , he and the girl baseball bat . Or he would have choked her to death , and then jumped off a bridge or a tall building . It 's not the gun that is responsible . Just ask Nicole Brown Simpson . Guns don 't kill people any more than a word processor makes you a moron . The desire , no , the need to knit is one that has been with me as long as I can remember , and I 'm so glad I persevered in spite of all the people who tried to talk me out of it . Knitting is too hard . Knitting isn 't easy . It 's just not . . . . here , try crochet instead . Yes , here we have three washcloths with the initials of three of my cousins on them . They are for Christmas . Now , these three cousins have never come to my blog before , but knowing my luck , today will be the ONE DAY they decide to visit . And Merry Christmas ! ! Oh , and I learned something I didn 't know . Sears used to have their own brand of yarn . Sears brand yarn . They really did sell everything . Which reminds me of how much I miss the old Sears catalogs . But that 's another post for another time . . . |
I 'm a little bummed , though . You know I used to make all these scarves for a charity called Scarves From The Heart . They deliver them to cancer patients at a treatment center near where they are located . But when I went to the website to get the address , apparently they 've dismembered , or disbanded , or disengaged , or whatever charities do when they shut down . Whatever you call it , they aren 't there any more . So , now I need to find a new charity to send my scarves to . Speaking of scarves , I just realized I never showed you Beverly 's finished cowl . I can now that she 's got it . Oh , and my sister sent me some bear sausage . Well , something like a slim jim , only made with bear meat . I haven 't opened them yet . She also sent me some of that really good fireweed jelly that she makes . I 'm almost tempted to move to Alaska myself , just to get some more of that stuff . My younger brother and sister in law sent me a gift card to Amazon . com , so what did I do but buy a book . Uglies , by Scott Westerfield . Everybody gets to be supermodel gorgeous . What could be wrong with that ? Tally is about to turn sixteen , and she can 't wait . Not for her license But Tally 's new friend Shay isn 't sure she wants to be pretty . She 'd rather risk life on the outside . When Shay runs away , Tally learns about a whole new side of the pretty world - - and it isn 't very pretty . The authorities offer Tally the worst choice she can imagine : find her friend and turn her in , or never turn pretty at all . The choice Tally makes changes her world forever . It is the first of a series , but I haven 't bought the second book yet . Next up on the reading list is The Handmaid 's Tale , by Margaret Atwood . I 'll let you know how it goes . My Mammaw had a nativity set . I don 't remember us having one in our house , but Mammaw did . When we would go over to her house , she always had the figures spread out in a lovely little tableau that frankly , just didn 't make sense to my childish logic . I would move the pieces closer , inside the stable , crowded around the baby so that they could see him . Because that 's what they 'd really be doing . They 'd want to see the baby . Mammaw got on to me about it one time , and I said , " But Mammaw , they want to see the baby . They can 't see him way out there . " She never said another word , but she 'd put them back after I had gone home . We got a Pong game the first year it came out . You had to wire it into your TV where the antenna hooked up . It was harder to play than it looked . It seems so primitive now , but it was all the rage when it came out . Even though our family was by no means wealthy , we got some pretty cool toys . I know a lot of people talk about being disappointed that they didn 't get what they wanted , but I don 't remember ever not getting what I 'd asked for . Christmas was always good at our house . I wish I had some old photos to go with this post , but most of them were ruined in the hurricane . I think a lot of the original home movies were destroyed , too , so I 'm glad my dad and I took the time to transfer them to video . I had my copies here with me , so they 're still OK . Thinking at first that my DVD player had gone crazy and was spinning the disc spinner thingy , I turned it off , but the buzzing noise continued . Then I thought it was my old movie camera , so I made sure it was turned off . It was , and the buzzing noise continued , still . Listening carefully , I realized it was coming from outside . I opened my front door , and it was a car horn . My first thought was that the people across the street were being annoying . They do have a teenager , after all . But no , it wasn 't coming from their house . It was coming from Cody 's truck . You know , my son Cody , who is in Texas right now . Not that he would have known what to do anyway . He 's not very mechanically minded is he . My first thought was to disconnect the battery , but I had to call James - - who is also in Texas - - to tell me where a wrench or channel locks or something is , because all my tools have mysteriously disappeared . He tells me to take the fuse out , but I don 't know where the fuse box is , and it 's too dark to try to find it . Then he tells me to disconnect the horn wire , but I don 't know where the horn is . So I finally get a wrench and pull the negative battery cable off . And finally , we have blessed quiet once again . Then I texted Cody and told him his truck was demon possessed . Seriously , though , I hope it 's something that can be fixed easily and inexpensively . He needs his truck . When I was a child , I 'd always wanted to have my Christmas tree in the front window of my house , so that I could see it from the street . Our house just wasn 't designed for this , though . Our living room did have a big window , but it didn 't face the street . It faced our next door neighbor 's garage . But that one Christmas . . . that Christmas of 1998 , I decided that by golly , I was going to have my tree in that front window , no matter how much of a major undertaking it was . That was the year I fulfilled my childhood dream . That was the year I had my tree in the front window . That was the year we had no electricity on Christmas Day , because that was the year of the big ice storm . I remember it like it was yesterday . Christmas was on a Friday that year , and I 'd saved enough vacation to be off of work for that whole week . The storm started on Tuesday . It had been so hot all day , with a strong South wind blowing . It was so strong that I had to close all my Southern facing windows , but that made it miserably hot inside the house . We were watching A Muppet Christmas Carol when the wind hit . I could hear it coming , screaming like a banshee across the pasture , and when it hit , the whole house shook . The temperature dropped 20 degrees in as many minutes . Sometime during the night , the rain started . By the time we woke up Wednesday morning , there was already a pretty heavy layer of ice on everything . Cody was down with a cold , but he really , really wanted to go out and knock icicles off of stuff . I bundled him up well , and let him go out for about 20 minutes , then made him come back in and drink hot chocolate . As the day wore on , and the rain continued to fall , I began to hear branches creaking and popping . I opened my front door and looked out , just in time to see the entire top of my across the street neighbor 's tree fall out . About 15 minutes later , James came knocking on my door . I 'd already put Cody to bed , but it seemed the better part of valor to get him up and go next door . After I 'd gotten him settled into bed over there , I helped James hook up their generator . About an hour later , the electricity went out , and didn 't come back on for 5 days . It took even longer for the temperature to get above freezing . It was so cold that we used Beverly 's screened porch as an extra freezer . Seriously . That evening , Christmas Eve , we opened the gifts that we would normally open with Beverly and James . I had to run back to our house to leave a note for Santa , letting him know where Cody would be that night . Well , Santa got that note , because he brought Cody 's presents to the right house . You know , back in 1998 , that 's when times were good . We got lots of presents that year , and they were all at our house . I 'd got a big garbage bag , and would trudge to the house and get a load of gifts . We 'd open them , then I 'd go back and get some more . It took about 5 trips to bring all the presents over . In a way , it was good , because we were able to make the excitement last a little longer . In a way , it was bad , because by that time , I had caught Cody 's cold , and was getting sicker by the minute . As if that weren 't enough , James had gone back to work that morning , so I had to run out and check the generator oil , and keep it gassed up . But Michael was on his way . They lived in Atlanta at that time , and were coming for a visit . They had to wait until Christmas Day to come , because one of them ( I don 't remember which one ) had had to work Christmas Eve . I tell you , I was never so glad to see Mike as I was that day . By the time they got here , my fever was up to 102 ' , and I was miserable . But now that he was home , he could check the generator , and I could just lay on the couch and be sick . Which I did - - for the next three days . Also , we invited a single mom to come for dinner , because she didn 't have any electricity either . She , her older daughter , and a friend came . They had been cooking stuff on top of their wood insert , so they were glad to get a real meal . My mother had sent me the first few of the Left Behind books , and the daughter grabbed the first one and read the whole time they were there . I don 't remember where the younger daughter was . She may have been with her dad that year . After our electricity was back on , James took the generator out to their house and hooked it up for them so they could have some heat . When theirs got turned back on , he took it to another house , and so on until everyone had power again . Which brings us to today . What with the young - un all grown up and gone and all , I was feeling pretty nostalgic , so I dug out my old home movies and watched a few of them . While it was fun looking back at times past , without those movies , all of those Christmases past just seemed to run together . In the winter of 1863 , America was in the midst of a great and terrible Civil War . A war in which brother killed brother , and fathers fought against sons . The nation was divided , and on the verge of falling apart . Henry Wadsworth Longfellow had recently lost his wife in a house fire , and his son - - who had joined the army in defiance of his father - - lay severely wounded . It was in this context that Longfellow , in his despair , wrote a poem he called Christmas Bells . We know it today as I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day . I heard the bells on Christmas Day Today , our country face much the same despair as in Longfellow 's time . We are as divided as we have ever been in our history . We are facing almost certain economic collapse . There is corruption in our government beyond what our forefathers ever could have imagined . Indeed , we already live under more tyranny than they fought to overthrow . And there is an undercurrent of unrest among the population , leading some to believe that we may be facing another civil war . Yet , we have the same hope that existed in Longfellow 's time . God is not dead nor does he sleep . The wrong shall fail . The right prevail . With peace on Earth , good will to men . Give up your own guns first . Or at least stop making such ultraviolent movies that glorify guns and killing . Or praising cop killers in your nasty rap lyrics . I didn 't take nearly as many pictures this year as I usually do . I got enough to prove that Christmas came , then I decided instead to just put the camera down and enjoy the time spent with family . Today has been kinda weird , in that it feels like the day after Christmas . I did save a couple of presents to open Christmas morning , but here is my loot from last night : FEET PAJAMAS ! ! ! I didn 't sleep in them last night , but I did wear them around the house this morning until it warmed up some . I really do like them , but I 'm almost afraid to sleep in them because they are fleece . Night sweats and fleece feet pajamas simply do not go together . It 's supposed to get cold again next week , so I may try to sleep in them one night . The bad news is , I didn 't get any of my siblings ' presents mailed . You know , there was that whole end of the world thing going on , and I sure wasn 't going to go to the post office if the world was about to end . Well , that 's my story and I 'm sticking to it . Posted by Be not deceived , God is not mocked . And because we 're all just here by random chance , there is no Creator , and because there is no Creator , there is no accountability , and because there is no accountability , there are no consequences , and because there are no consequences , there is no right or wrong , so if it feels good do it , and if it 's right for you , it 's right , and people ought to be able to live the way they want to , and " DON ' T JUDGE ME ! ! ! " Don 't you judge me . . . And we 've bought into the lie that unless our children are perfectly happy all the time , we are failures as parents , so we become their pals instead their parents because we want them to like us , and we give them everything their little hearts desire , and indulge their every whim , and our child must be the special one , so we have mothers murdering teenage girls so her daughter can have that spot on the cheerleading squad , and we have daddies shooting little league coaches because his son wasn 't getting enough playing time , and we have parents killing teachers for giving their precious darling a failing grade . And our kids see this . Our kids see our example , so we have children killing each other over t - shirts and tennis shoes , or because he was wearing the wrong hat , or because the music was too loud . Sandy Hook Elementary School , Newtown , Connecticut . Be not deceived , God is not mocked . Then we sit back and act all shocked and surprised , and wonder how could this have happened when our children end up becoming exactly what we 've taught them to be . It all started yesterday . There was this guy hanging around the line . He looked familiar , but I can 't really remember ever having seen him before . I looked at him a minute , trying to place him , but couldn 't , so I went back to work . After a couple of minutes , I noticed him waving . Thinking he was waving at someone behind me , I ignored him . The next time I looked up , he waved again . I looked behind me , but there was no one there . Again , I ignored him and went back to work . He walked over to my brazing stand and said , in a very snotty , condescending tone , " Make sure you 're using your purging gas . You act like no one has ever told you that before . " Because apparently I was supposed to get that out of him indiscriminately waving his hand around . . . Nevertheless , that was entirely the wrong thing to say . " No , " I replied . " I was just wondering who you are . " He told me that he was the inspector over our line for the rest of the week . Knowing I only had 2 days left , I decided to just ignore him until our regular inspector got back after Christmas . Which brings us to today . I was at my stand , doing my work , minding my own business , off in my own little world , when I look up and see this guy just glaring at me . Face all scrunched up , neck poked out , eyes squinted . The works . I guess he was trying to intimidate me . It didn 't work . Dude , I have a CAT . I get that look a thousand times a day . If you want to intimidate me , you 're going to have to do better than that . But , seeing his attempts at making a face , I kind of did a double take , then burst out laughing . Still giggling , I went back to my work , still bent on ignoring the kid . At that point , the guy - - now remember , I had never seen this guy before yesterday , and had been ignoring him ever since - - but he walks up to me and says , I guess that 's where the expression peckerhead comes from . " What makes you think I was looking at you ? " I asked . " I never said anything to you . I wasn 't looking at you . I wasn 't thinking about you . " " Then go away and do it , Little Temp " , I said . ( The guy isn 't even ADP . He 's a temporary employee . If you ask me , temps shouldn 't be given positions of authority over full time folks . ) The more I thought about it , the madder I got , so I went and turned him in . When I told the supervisor what he 'd said , he dropped his pen . He couldn 't believe that this kid had said that , and agreed with me that it was totally inappropriate . He came back and told me that they 'd taken him up to HR and had a " conversation " about the situation . Later , my friend Billy came up to me and asked what I 'd done to the auditor down there , so I told him the story . He laughed and said , " I told him ' You 're lucky she didn 't beat your * * * into the ground ' . " You have no idea how hard it was not to do that . . . He came back later and said , " I 'll bet you he doesn 't say anything else . They chewed him up one side and down the other . " The plan was to come home and make at least one batch of cookies , but nope . It just didn 't happen . I was too tired to really do anything . All the plans I had for this evening went by the wayside , except for one . I did watch The Homecoming . Still , so many of my favorite Christmas movies I haven 't had time to watch yet . But since tomorrow is my last day of work , that 's the plan . Bake cookies and watch movies . And I hope to get caught up with all these blog posts I have rattling around in my head . TMI warning , but it 's not too bad . About a year ago , I started taking those women 's vitamins . You know , the ones that are supposed to keep you from having hot flashes and night sweats and mood swings and all that ? Well , they did that , but they also seemed to turn off my brain . I stopped dreaming , I stopped writing . I lost all my creativity . A couple of weeks ago , I stopped taking them . I tell you , it 's been like coming out of a fog . Speaking of Christmas shows , I 've been tuning in to ABCFamily 's 25 Days Of Christmas , and it 's been a bit of a disappointment . Seems that the only three Christmas shows they 've ever heard of are Home Alone , Disney 's Christmas Carol , and The Polar Express . They keep showing those three over and over , and over and over again . Why ? There are so many to choose from ! I 'd love to see Christmas Every Day , but my station doesn 't show it . I read on GetGlue . com that other people are getting to see it , but just not here . Bummed . That was one of my favorites . I have it on VHS , but no longer have a VHS player since mine went out last month . The usual suspects : Turkish Delight , chocolate fudge , and peanut butter fudge . Tomorrow , I 'll start on the cookies : Snickerdoodles , gumdrop cookies , cherry kisses . I also made a clove and orange pomander . I have one more orange , so I 'll do another one , too . The last Christmas gift is wrapped , and I 've got two more days of work until I 'm off for the rest of the year . Right now , though , I have to go stop the cat from eating the garland around my front door . Oops , didn 't make it in time , and now she 's puking it up all over the kitchen floor . And everything was going so well . . . And I 've always known he 'd written poetry , too , but never really took the time to read any of it . Recently , I was introduced to one of Kipling 's poems , and just fell in love with it . Thank you , Bill Whittle . So , here I present it to you : The Gods Of The Copybook Headings . It was written in 1919 , but it 's amazing how relevant it is today . ( If you don 't know what a copybook heading is , click the link above . Bill explains it right before he reads the poem to you . ) And the Gods of the Copybook Headings , I notice , outlast them all . We were living in trees when they met us . They showed us each in turn And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said : " The Wages of Sin is Death . " In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all , By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul ; But , though we had plenty of money , there was nothing our money could buy , And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said : " If you don 't work you die . " Then the Gods of the Market tumbled , and their smooth - tongued wizards withdrew For years , I 've used a photo hosting site called Webshots . Not only did I post my own photos to my albums there , but they also had daily professional photos that you could download and use as screensavers . I liked this service so much that I even upgraded to the premium membership . A few weeks ago , Webshots announced that their owners - - American Greetings - - had decided to delete the site . I don 't remember what their reasoning was , but they no longer felt that it was profitable or something , and were going to take it down . Instead of losing the site completely , some of the admins pooled their money and bought it from AG . But it 's not the same . I don 't know why they didn 't get it as is , but now it looks like something from a Jr High computer literacy class project . Yeah , all my photos are still on the site , but they are no longer organized into the albums I had them in . If I want a specific photo , now I have to search through a something like 4000 + photos , all in one giant stream . Not only that , I can 't choose specific photos to be in my screen saver the way I could before . So , instead of my Christmas and Winter photos , EVERY photo I 've ever taken is now rotating through my screen saver . Very amateurish . But probably the worst of all - - all the photos I 'd hotlinked from the site are now no longer available . As of now , there is no way to hotlink the photos that are still on the site , so to replace the photos , say on my blog , I 'm going to have to get all my photos uploaded to another site like Flickr or Photobucket , then hotlink each one individually to get them back onto my blog . That is going to take some time , and be a total pain in the patootie . And it would have been nice if they 'd given us a little warning . Posted by P . S . I don 't like the way YouTube is now . When I try to share a song from my playlist , it links to the entire playlist . I have to search for each song individually to share just one song . Blech . Put it back ! Posted by I 'm going to look for one tomorrow at Wal - Mart . If I can 't find one there , I 'll order this one from Amazon . com . And if that doesn 't work , I 've got plenty of lights left . I buy them obsessively on clearance each year after Christmas . But I 'd rather not have to partially undecorate the tree to change out the lights if I don 't have to . We 'll see . . . Now , about all that brazing rod you are claiming I am leaving laying around . . . Shortly after you got moved to our line , I brought the group leader , the shift supervisor , and the production superintendent over to show them the rod that was being left in the trays and on the table that is now behind us . I also showed them a large amount of rod that had been thrown in the garbage . I confirmed with the production superintendent this morning that he did indeed remember this . " I absolutely do remember it " were his exact words . That morning , the group leader also made a note on the chart about the bits of rod not being used up . In case you were unaware , those charts , and the comments left on them , are entered into the computer in the Quality office at the end of each day . The relevant chart can easily be retrieved to prove that what I am saying is correct . I 'm not quite sure why you are suddenly trying to imply that I am the one leaving all the pieces of brazing rod in the trays , but you aren 't fooling anyone . We all know where that rod is coming from . Now , I don 't know who you are trying to impress - - or intimidate - - by leaving all these notes , but it 's not going to work . I 'm not impressed , and I will not be intimidated . So , here is my proposed solution to your problem : Yep . Just do your job , and I 'll just do mine . You tend your business , and I will tend mine . You make sure you are doing what is right , and I will do the same . You stop leaving all these childish little notes , and I won 't take this matter to the front office , and we 'll all just try to get along , OK ? I heard you Sunday night , during the Cowboys game , using the tragic death of Javon Belcher and his girlfriend Kasandra Perkins to speak out against the so called " gun culture " of this country . It 's the " gun culture " , you implied , that is responsible for these deaths . If Javon Belcher hadn 't had a gun , he and Kasandra Perkins would still be alive , you claim . There is something I 'd like for you to clear up for me , though . When Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were found with their throats slashed , why didn 't you speak out against the knife culture ? OJ didn 't have a gun , yet Nicole and Ronald are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Andrea Yates drowned her five children , why didn 't you speak out against the bathtub culture ? Andrea didn 't have a gun , yet those five babies are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When James Byrd was dragged to his death , why didn 't you speak out against the pickup trucks on country roads culture ? Shawn Berry , Lawrence Brewer , and John King didn 't have a gun , and yet James Byrd is still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Timothy McVeigh blew up the Alfred P . Murrah building in Oklahoma City , why didn 't you speak out against the rental truck culture ? McVeigh didn 't have a gun , yet those 168 people are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When 19 terrorists hijacked four jets and flew them into three buildings and a field in Pennslyvania * , why didn 't you speak out against the airplane culture ? Not one of those men had a gun , yet those nearly 3000 people who died that day are still dead . So , how did that happen ? When Ki Suk Han was shoved in to his death on the subway tracks in New York , why didn 't you speak out against the subway culture ? The man who pushed him didn 't have a gun , yet Ki Suk Han is still dead . So , how did that happen ? You see here the fallacy of your argument . You are blaming the gun for the action of the man holding it . These are but a few well known examples of murders committed without using guns . In fact , the majority of murders in the United States don 't involve guns at all . You could take away all the guns in the land and people would still kill people , because murder originates in the heart . What we must do to reduce violence is to change the heart . How do we do that ? Well , it won 't be easy , and it won 't happen overnight , but perhaps we could start by hanging signs in our schoolrooms that say : not the " gun culture " that is responsible for Javon Belcher 's death , and that of his girlfriend . It 's the abortion culture that is responsible , because it teaches us that human life is cheap , and that if that life is inconvenient , then it is OK to just kill it . It 's the evolution culture that teaches us that we are no more than glorified apes , no better than any bug or worm that crawls through the mud . Then you act surprised when people act like the animals you teach us we are . It is the abortion culture that teaches us that we are not set apart , that we are not created in God 's image , because it teaches that there is no God . And if there is no God , there is no judgement . If there is no judgement , there is no accountability , so what is to stop us from killing with impunity ? It is the entitlement culture that teaches us that we can do whatever we want , take whatever we want , no matter who it hurts . It 's not this mythical " gun culture " that is responsible , because it simply doesn 't exist . If Javon Belcher hadn 't had a gun , he and the girl baseball bat . Or he would have choked her to death , and then jumped off a bridge or a tall building . It 's not the gun that is responsible . Just ask Nicole Brown Simpson . Guns don 't kill people any more than a word processor makes you a moron . The desire , no , the need to knit is one that has been with me as long as I can remember , and I 'm so glad I persevered in spite of all the people who tried to talk me out of it . Knitting is too hard . Knitting isn 't easy . It 's just not . . . . here , try crochet instead . Yes , here we have three washcloths with the initials of three of my cousins on them . They are for Christmas . Now , these three cousins have never come to my blog before , but knowing my luck , today will be the ONE DAY they decide to visit . And Merry Christmas ! ! Oh , and I learned something I didn 't know . Sears used to have their own brand of yarn . Sears brand yarn . They really did sell everything . Which reminds me of how much I miss the old Sears catalogs . But that 's another post for another time . . . |
was just sitting there with my arms folded while he loped along . If he wanted to trot , I let him trot . If he wanted to walk , I let him walk . We went across the Savanna to the corner of is working great now and I am using it a lot . The trimmer however , is another story . It has worked well so far this year , but wouldn 't start last week . I finally deduced that the spark plug is the gap , cleaned it , and put it back . Great ! Problem solved ! It worked fine for about 45 seconds . I took the plug out , same thing . Okay , I put in a replacement plug . It proceeded to work for about 2 minutes an idiot and that you did not mix the fuel properly . I was very careful here . It is a 40 : 1 mix ratio ( the chainsaw is 50 : 1 , oz . of oil and put in a gallon of fuel . Of course , like the ' experts ' I am beginning to doubt my mix . I guess tomorrow , I will try it again , up feed and work with Silver and Patriot . While they are eating we may tidy up the pens . Today we cubed cows ( weekly ) . Then , we will exercise . The good thing is that there is plenty of train him to not pull back on the lead . When tied , he hits the end of the lead rope and panics . Parelli suggests holding him by the lead , I 'm tempted to say that not much has happened since the last blog entry , but that is not necessarily true . We penned some more cows and took another to the sale , but the associated drama so paled in relation to our previous adventures that it has hardly seemed worth mentioning . Therefore , I will be brief and cover some other information . We did manage to toll some in . Our plan was to try to get the orphan calf to start nursing from cow 65 who has been nursing cow 74 for two years now . When we weaned back in 2011 , we never could get 74 up and consequently she has been using her momma ever since . I figured that if we could get 65 and 77 's calf in the pens we could wean 74 and hopefully 65 's bag would start to ache a bit and she would let 77 's calf take a drink . We separated out all the cows but the ones we wanted , plus old 67 so we could sell her , and a few of the gentle 2011 crop . Since we only had confidence in the pens holding them , we kept them in there for a day or two , bringing them water in the truck and laying down some cubes . We also opened the front lot , which had not been grazed much . Chris and I tried to roll some left over hay onto the deck of the mower on the little Kubota , but she quit on us . I 'll go into that more in a minute . The cow we wanted to sell , 67 , had actually been in the trailer once before , but got out before we could shut the gate on her . This time , it was boring . We separated her in the front lot , got her into the crowding pen , ran her down the chute a ways , she turned around on her own , we changed the gate , and she walked right into the trailer and we shut the gate . No fuss at all . I was ready to go buy a lottery ticket right then . After a couple of days , we decided to let them into the calf patch , and then the lane . That was Tuesday . By Wednesday , only the two cows that we left in there for gentling purposes were still there . I think 65 swam the tank and 77 's calf just pushed through a fence . Doesn 't matter . We have not seen 74 nursing off 65 since , so we may have done the job there and 77 's calf looks fine and is way gentler than her momma . We 'll see . The tractor is another story . I grabbed a tank of diesel to put in there , but it turns out that it was fire starting fuel , which is to say that it had some crud and water in it . Once that got into the engine , the tractor wouldn 't start at all . I changed out the filter ( which was full of junk ) , drained the fuel , put in some more , but there is still nothing . I 'm going to call the mechanic today and get him out , but I think the pump is out . I have two weeks left of school , then we begin our summer work projects ( which include trying to stay cool ) . Until then , I am not very ambitious ; just trying to keep things together ( like the tractor ) so that we can get to real work once school 's out . Of course , the real work will be trusting God through the time of much depleted income . That 's the tough part for sure , but we are getting better at it due to lots of practice . I have taken on a job for the rest of the year and I think it will be a good one . I am the 6th grade PE coach . This is really a cush job . I am teaming with the PE coach for 7th / 8th grades and they are doing the activity together . There are only 4 classes a day , but I frequently get put in another class here and there . The rest of the day I sit in the coach 's office and work on the computer . Writing this blog , working on the Sunday School lesson or writing my " Disciple 's Hip Movie " book . Since this job will pretty much preclude me taking a day off here and there I decided to not work on Friday . God ( as He often does ) had other plans . I started feeling sick on Thursday last at work . That Friday I did nothing but sleep , eat , and watch TV with a real emphasis on sleeping . Saturday was not much better , but I decided to test my legs so Anna and I drove out in the Gator to look at cows , etc . I had obviously not fully recovered because just bouncing around was really wearing me out , but it did perk me up a bit to see that we had three more calves ! Even better than that , on the Camp Road back to the house , we glanced into our trap and discovered there were cows in there . We figured they were the same old ones , but thought it best to check . We drove west down the northern fence of the trap and saw 76 and 77 , the two craziest cows in the bunch . These were responsible for busting up our herd at least a dozen times in the last few years . We would get a group headed toward the house and they would run off , taking other cows with them . The wouldn 't head , they wouldn 't come to cubes for more than a few seconds . They 'd fight you in the pens . These were the outlaws and they had wandered into the trap . This was no less than a miracle . Our psychotic cows were in the trap and it was time to have them committed . Anna sped us down to the west end of the trap and I jumped out before she even stopped , crawled under the fence and hoofed it over to the gap to the Old Field . Shut ! Anna NASCAR ' ed it back to the pens to shut the gate from the Tank Lot to the Old Field and I started jogging that way from the back side . I saw her shut the gate with cows right there . We had them ! Of course , this also wore me out , but it was worth it . I called Dad and he instructed me to check for their calves in the morning ( we had already seen them in the Savanna ) and then call him and he would come with the trailer . The next morning they were there . We ducked out of church after the worship service . This is not something we normally do , but this was indeed a special circumstance . After church , we were joined by Jim and Chris . Jim had helped us out before and Chris had helped me once during our work camp with some fencing . I began to worry a bit when we were driving the cows from the lane to the Calf Patch . Chris and I started leading them in on the Gator with Dad and Scout trailing to pick up stragglers . That did not last very long . They quit Chris and me pretty quickly and got past Dad on the tank bank ; led , of course , by Cow 77 . Then , we all started driving them . With Dad on the bank and the Gator on the flat , we managed to get them moving forward as a kind of a herd and they went in to the Calf Patch pretty easily . We just about had all of them in the pens when , true to form , Cow 77 's calf turned back and got past us . Chris and I had dismounted , but none of us could catch the lone calf . Dad got around him and started him back , but we had not luck . Eventually , he worked his way out into the Old Field . Now for the hard part . We figured the best way to load these cows was to forget the running chute and just back the trailer up to the open front gate of the pens . Our crowding pen is right next to the front gate so we can easily open both gates and the trailer gate makes the other half of the chute . Without too much difficulty , we got 7 - 8 cows down our cattle panel wing into the crowding pen including the two that we wanted . Here is where we had to stop and scratch our heads awhile . Since the trailer gate was half of our chute into the trailer , as soon as we shut the gate on the first cow , our chute would be gone . This means that all of the other cows in the crowding pen would run out into the horse pasture . That was not a good option . The other option was to try to cut out cows that we didn 't want to haul , but we risked losing the two and getting them back into the crowding pen wouldn 't be easy a second time . We finally decided to rope the two we wanted to haul , tie them off to a tree just outside the fence and let the others out . This actually worked pretty good . Now , we had our trailer set up with Jim and I holding those cows dallied off on the tree with Chris on the gate , ready to slam it shut . 77 was closest to the front , so we got another rope on her and led it up through the trailer . Once we got that done , we unfastened from the tree and ran that rope forward as well . I tied off 76 , but Jim and I both could not pull that cow in on our own . So , we just got her up to the trailer , and took the free end of the rope and tied a bowline around the bucket on the Kubota . She could not fight that . Dad pulled her in nice and gently . You have to be careful when they step in so you don 't break the legs , but it worked fine . Once we got her in , we reran the rope to the front and got her in the front partition . I really wanted to take a break at this point , but 76 was still tied off and fighting the rope . Before long , she would wear herself out or get herself caught under the rope , or hook a horn in the fence . No time to rest . We got set to do the same thing , but she kind of fought her way into the trailer without us having to tie on to the tractor . That 's two ! Next we had to get both of them in the front so we could get 76 's calf in the back . More passing the ropes back and forth , pushing her back , opening the middle gate , tying the front cow off so she couldn 't back up , then working 76 up front . Then it was just a matter of getting a running iron ( essentially a metal hook ) and pulling the ropes off without getting hooked . Think of it as events that you won 't see in a rodeo . The Unroping event , the Tractor Pull event , the Rope Only Two Horns Out Of 10 That Are In A Crowding Pen event , and the Climbing On A Trailer With Fighting Cows Without Getting A Horn Through Your Leg event . With tenacity , quick thinking , and the right combination of daring and caution , we got it done . Roping the calf and dragging it to the trailer was simple . We took a look for the other calf , but couldn 't find it . She is still out there . She 's a couple of months ; too young to be weaned , but still old enough to survive on her own . She may not amount to much , but we 'll keep an eye on her and do what we can for her . Not wanting to let those two angry cows spend too much time together in the front partition of the trailer , Dad took off for the sale . The rest of us started up the fire and tagged one calf and branded and tagged another that were in the pens . By the time Dad got back we were working on getting an unbranded cow into the chute . We got her in and branded . By this time , I had abandoned using Scout . He just wouldn 't stand for it . We 'd get a bunch of cows up to the gate and he would hit the wall and bolt through the gate , rearing up , and spinning around , scattering the cows we wanted . I 'd run him back to put him up , but he did it so quickly , I knew that 's what he wanted , so I went back and tried him again . He would fuss and pitch a fit , so I would drag his head around to my knee and run in him in a tight circle . I 'm trying to apply the same principles I use in substitute teaching to horse training . Don 't get mad , just demonstrate that the alternative to compliance is less pleasant . For students , I move them or send them to the office . No yelling , or accusations , just , " You need to leave now . " Sometimes I raise my voice a bit so they will know I 'm serious . With horses , it 's just keep trying it until they know they won 't get their way , or do things like run them in a tight circle , then go try again . However , I 'm not sure this will work with Scout . After talking about it with Dad we realized this horse is probably 25 . He 's always been skittish , but never as bad as this . We are beginning to wonder if he 's losing his vision . It would explain a lot . This is just another reason to get our horse program ( whatever that will be ) up and running . All in all , we had a really good day . My crew from Sunday School had a good time and are just dumb enough to want to come back and do it again . The calf that is on its own is doing well , but following other cows around looking for milk . He 'll quit that after awhile . This week , I will try to get that calf in the pens along with a cow that never weaned her calf from 2011 . If I can get her to take this calf and wean the other that will be good . We will put them in the trap and see if they will stay . It has rained a lot and the ground is too wet to do much now . Silver is remembering how to wear a blanket . He needs consistency , which will be a lot easier for me once the summer starts , but I 'm working with him most every day , even if it is just throwing that thing up there . Next will be the surcingle to strap it down . Then , the saddle again . We 'll see . faith that He will work them in His good time . In the interim , I want to be faithful to do what I am supposed to . The sermon on Sunday referenced 1 Corinthians We fed the horses and then went to go look at the cows . We have been missing Cow # 35 for a couple of weeks so we started looking for her . At the time , I was afraid that she went off in the woods to have a calf and being a first year heifer that she had trouble and we lost her . Our cows normally have easy births , but you never know , so we started skirting the edges of the woods . I dismounted and started walking through the woods , smelling for dead cow . It was here that I made my first stupid mistake of the day . There was a small log lying in my path and I stepped over it . About 8 inches to my left I saw a rattle . I mean I just missed him . You should always step on the log before stepping to the other side . So , I called for Anna and she brought me an ax that was in the gator . ' Nuff said . We went home for lunch and started some clearing around the house . There have been some old fence lines that needed to be taken out , so we hit those . I cut some tallow trees under the power line to the house . I was very careful not to make a mistake here , as this could have taken me out . It is usually a simple matter to fell a tree in the direction you want , but trees growing up in brush are seldom straight . Invariably , they are leaning away from the direction you want them to fall . I have more clearing to do here , but if I choose the order I cut the trees correctly , then I can use existing trees to block the ones I 'm cutting from the line . Anyway , it looks a lot better right around our house . That kind of work always feels good to do . It is nice to look at a job and know you are done . Of course , we still have to pick all this trash up . Then it will look really nice . It was in doing this , that I made my second mistake of the day . I was chopping at some vines with a hackknife and reached up to pull them down , they pulled free suddenly and I hit myself in the head with the backside of the knife . It hurt , but not too bad . As I was walking around shaking it off , I figured I should check my head and pulled my hand away , covered in blood . I staunched it with my bandanna and we went inside and put on some pain - free ( yeah , right ) liquid skin and that was the end of it . We decided that we did need to repair the Old Field Fence by the trap before the day was over . However , when we got over there , cows were in the Old Field . We took the opportunity and drew some of them into the lane and shut the gap . The calves were not all there , but we reckoned that they would work their way in to the trap like last time . We started repairs to the fence , then called it a day . The next night I saddled up Scout and called a buddy from Sunday School as well as Grandmother and Aunt Josey . Anna and I were very relieved to get the calf mentioned in the last blog tagged . He 's a bull after all , so we didn 't have to brand him . The main problem we had was that two calves got out . One slipped out an old gate that can 't be tied tight enough to hold a calf . The other slipped into the tank lot under a gate . We went in to get him , but he braved the mud hole into the Calf Patch and got out . True , we should have shut the gate , but my help was getting low on time and we decided to call it quits . We worked 4 calves , branding 3 , and tagging 2 ( 2 of them had tags already ) . We had a good time and got to break in a new hand from my Sunday School class . Jim had done some bullriding in the rodeo , but since that is useless for actual ranchwork , we were relying on his practical experience in working his uncle 's ranch in Mexia . In other words , he is not afraid to throw down the rope and body tackle a calf if necessary . In working ranch world , you don 't points for style , you get points for getting the job done . For instance , a second calf started to go out of the hole by the gate I mentioned . Jim and I each grabbed a back leg and kept pulling until she was back in . We threw her right there . Good moment , but it was spoiled by an angry cow who charged us , so we got up . God was with us . We had our backs turned . I don 't know what made me turn around , but when I did , there she was . We got up quick . I do miss my old war horse , Rebel . Scout has his uses , but he is way too scared of cows to be much good in the pens . We worked 4 calves and he only helped us drag in one . The rest we either worked in the roping pen or drug in by hand . He would rear up , spin around , but did not want to go in amongst the cows . Once , a little calf hit the fence and rolled over at Scout 's feet . He acted like I had thrown a stick of dynamite under him . He hit the sky and gave a jump or two . Not good for a cow pony , especially our only one . It was a good evening . We got some ' combat ' in , exercise , society , and work done . I love branding . Always have . We still have several to do , so I will keep you all posted . We had quite a frustrating day on back on the 6th . One of those times where I just started to question what it is I am doing here . This is an unfortunate phenomenon . In reality , I am convinced that God authorized our move to Batson . It was so incredibly clear at the time . The main indicator was that the story of Abraham leaving Ur kept coming up independently . But now , it can be different . Now that we are here and there is little money and our home site is being turned into an oilfield and we can 't pen cows because we only have one working horse and one untrained cow dog , it is a different story . Saturday was one of those days . On Friday night , we saw some cows in the Old Field , so we tolled them in with cubes . We led them to our newly constructed trap , but the calves would not go through the gate . However , the mommas to these calves did . A little calf will not have any trouble getting through a barbed wire fence , even a good one , so I decided to leave them there overnight and let the calves work their way in . The next morning , we were very pleased to see that the two untagged calves were in there ! Easy , right ? Well , not so much . All the cows went from the trap in to the Calf Patch , but all four calves balked at the muddy hole they had to go through at the gate . I gently got around them and managed to ease in three of them , but the one calf left just wouldn 't see the way in . She eventually got around me , went through the fences out into the Old Field . The rest of the morning was spent trying to catch that one calf . I even got him cornered next to the pens . I tackled him , wrestled , him , but couldn 't get his legs out from underneath him . That and the mud helped him get away . [ Excuse the fact that the calf tends to change sex in the story . The general rule is that if a calf is out grazing in the field it can be a girl , but if you are wrestling it " she " becomes a " he " . ] By this time , I was enraged . I couldn 't wrestle a tiny little calf , something I had done countless times in the past , and I couldn 't rope it because I couldn 't get close enough on foot . I had had enough . We reset the trap , hoping that he would come in and we tagged the other one . I would like to say that this scene was an isolated incident , but frustrations like this are a part of ranching with no money . Here 's what was different this time . We went home , ate , and calmed down . Anna 's devotional had been about being thankful in all things . We made an effort to do that . We tagged the one calf that we did get into the pens . We went and fixed a hole in the fence that we had discovered . It occurred to me that because we made an effort to change our attitudes and to be truly grateful for the things that had gone right , we were able to see the truth of the day . That truth was that we did some valuable fence repair . We tagged half of the calves that we had in the trap , I took a ride on Scout , and I worked with Silver . This , in reality was a good day . One of the things that made it good was that because we purposed to be thankful , we could see the good . May God continue to make it easier for us to do this . pretty well , but I do wonder if it 's not confusing . I used the same principle in longeing . He had never been good at longeing at the Our Spring Break Work Camp was a success . We had our three regular customers and they had a good time . They arrived on Saturday , the 9th of March and left on the afternoon of Wednesday , the 13th . The first day all we did was string the final strands of wire on the New Fence . One of them has been toying with the idea of being a combat engineer , but is now reevaluating this career choice after unrolling a ¼ mile of barbed wire . The next day was a Sunday , so we intended to spend it going to church and then resting as the Lord commanded . We did except for trying to turn the young Patriot into the pasture with the three remaining horses up front . This was a bit of a disaster . It all worked pretty peaceably at first , but about an hour after we made the switch , I saw all three of them chasing Patriot all over the place . I ran out there and Patriot was down with Rebel over top of him biting his neck ! I ran him off , throwing at Rebel everything that I could get my hands on . Patriot just lay there a bit . There was no mark on his neck . This makes sense because Rebel was not trying to kill Patriot , but to dominate him . However , he was a little bloody around his eye and had some blood trickling out of his nose , as well as having a barbed wire cut on his shoulder , but overall he was okay . We decided that it would be better not to deal with this at this time . We spent the rest of the day reversing what we had done in moving horses . Patriot and Sarge were in the New Horse Pasture and then we put Silver in the pens by himself until we could get him castrated . Monday was when the real work started . I put the boys on rigging up a fence that goes into the tank so that stock could not cross it . The goal was to get a trap built that we can lead cows into and leave them overnight without having to worry about water . That way , if we do pen them , we can leave them until we get around to working them or until there is a sale . Eventually , when we build up the west fence of the Savanna , Tallow Flat , Bobcat Woods , and Old Field , we can use the Mineral Box Field as a big trap and drive into the pens from there or even separate the herd into two different herds . This will help gentle down some of the wider cows and keep better track of what bull is sire to the caves . The fencing into the water was the kind of problem that I love to give kids like this . I have said that ranching is a giant Army - style Leadership Reaction Course used for training . My orders to the kids were to make a suitable fence and not to get wet . They constructed a type of pontoon bridge and the fence is still holding . They also were successful in fulfilling the secondary objective of staying dry . After that , we rebuilt the short section of fence behind Tank 3 and remade the old gap there . Then , we patched the worst of the holes in the west end of the Lane Trap . We were ready to see if we were ready . We went to go look at the cows and since we had some cubes , we tolled them in . Unfortunately , they were coming straight for the pens so we bypassed our trap altogether , but we had two calves in the pens ! I decided to put the m all in the calf patch , since the tank lot is weak . The gate from the Tank Lot to the Calf Patch is pretty muddy , so we were a little concerned about the little calves getting stuck in the hole . They were too apparently , so they waited until all the other cows had gone through . Before we knew it , the calves were all we had in the pens ! We shut the gate and did our best to keep them calm while Anna went to go get the tags . I got the rope and kind of showed the boys how to use it . The two kids that have never done it got to " rope " a calf , then each of them got to throw one and we tagged it . They enjoyed it a lot and I enjoyed watching them do it . I will have to have them back for more , maybe even branding . The next morning was the last day and the vet was scheduled to come out early and castrate Silver and clean out his neck wound . That was not an easy chore . Silver was as scared as he could be . I don 't know what we are going to do when we have to pull blood on him in the future . We snubbed him up to a gate post and squeezed him up between the gate and a cattle panel . He pulled like a crazy horse , but I had a couple of wraps and the rope was going nowhere . In fact , it didn 't even let loose when Silver went unconscious . I had to cut the rope . I also made a rookie mistake . The vet told me to take the slack out once and I actually grabbed the rope all the way around . Silver spooked again and pulled the slack out , catching my fingers in the wrap . Luckily I had gloves on . When I took them off later , my middle finger had been cut open and a little piece of fat had been squeezed out . Ick . Nonetheless , we got him down and I had the doc do every kind of needle work that I could imagine . Coggins , rhino , West Nile , the works . I don 't want to have to do that again for awhile . He was also successfully castrated . You have never seen three paler teenage boys , I can tell you that . When you get to be my age , it doesn 't bother you so much . Actually , when you get to be my age , you learn to find some tool to fetch , or something else to check on . On top of that , the vet also cleaned out Silver 's neck wound while he was out . A few days before our future combat engineer had to rethink his career choice . Our future combat medic was forced to do the same thing . The Camp , as always , was fun , successful , and productive . I dream of the day when I can put all of them on good horses and know for sure that we will be able to pen cows when we want . God says not to despise small beginnings . It is the story of our lives right now , but I really see that someday we will look back on these days and appreciate them . We will know that if God ever brings us a bunkhouse full of campers who will all get a chance to rope , ride , and throw calves it is because God granted us the ability to be faithful over the little things today . Calves are being born ! I was beginning to worry , because last year we moved our breeding season up a month in order to start the calves in January . For some reason this did not work and we are still having calves born in late February at the earliest . I won 't mind moving the schedule up a little more . One of the main reasons we did this is so that the bull won 't have to do his job in the middle of sweltering heat . This hurt us for last year 's crop . The bull works , we know that . Dad had him up there before we brought him to Batson and calving started there last month . It is all about timing . A cow 's gestation is 283 days . Last year 's breeding season was from April to June . More than half of our cows are from the 2011 crop of heifers that we fed in the winter of 2011 - 2013 . Those heifers were born in March , April , and May of 2011 . The other cows are a mix of some younger cows , herd leaders , and older cows that we intend to cull , but haven 't been able to catch or load . It takes roughly 15 months for a heifer to be old enough to breed . So , by moving the breeding season up by a month , we are narrowing the window on the breeding season for the 2011 heifers . I understand that is probably confusing . I myself had to count months on my fingers several times just to write it . The upshot of it is that our older cows that were bred are having calves now . The younger crop of heifers were not mature enough at the beginning of the three months breeding season , so anything we get out of them will happen at the end of this calving season . This means there is systemic shift of three months . In other words , the calves that are born this year from the new heifers from 2011 will definitely miss the breeding season in 2014 . The bottom line is that a heifer will be three years old before having a calf . The bright side is that first calf heifers will not be having calves in the coldest part of the winter , but in the milder Spring . Right now , we have 10 calves down here in Batson . The good news is that 2 of these are from the 2011 crop of heifers . We have already exceeded the calf crop from last year and we will probably have more . I know of two cows that look pregnant right now . As the calving season goes on the 2011 heifers will be more likely to calve . The next mission is to tag them when they are small . Too small and you could hurt them . Too big and they could hurt you . We have already managed to tag three of them and matched them up to their mothers . In recent years , we have been tagging them about the same time we are weaning them . That is way too big . Of course , to brand them , they have to be bigger than they are to tag them , but once again , they could stand to be a lot smaller than when we have been branding them . Some of the brands on the 2011 crop are awful looking because we waited so long that they had to be done in the chute . When that happens , they will lie down or move forward or backward so that you can 't reach the brand that you started . When you have them down on the ground and well and truly held , there is nothing that they can do . All in all , the calving season is going better than last year . More calves and we are getting to the tagging part sooner . I will keep you posted . Silver has definitely reached the terrible twos . Since kicking me , I hadn 't worked with him much until the evening of the 21st . I longed him around for a while , reminding him of what he had learned before . He was definitely rusty and tried to see what he could get away with . However , overall he did pretty well . The next morning , I tried to work with him again and noticed that he had a piece of skin laid over on his chin and another big hunk laid open on his lower neck , in front . I got some wound spray and tried to spray it on as best I could , but he was a little jumpy , especially around his face . The last few days he had been running around with Rebel a lot and they had been " playing " some . I guess some of the playing had gotten a little rough . I expect that he is trying to make a move for the top horse position since he is a stallion and Rebel won 't have it . I decided to leave him be . Dad was coming the next day so he got some penicillin . We took him behind the barn and I held his rope and Dad poked him with the needle . I 've seen horses that don 't like a shot , but Silver hit the wall . He bucked and reared , took a look at Dad , turned his back and kicked him in the hip . Dad went over and I dropped the line . Dad was fine , as it was a glancing blow , but he jammed his thumb when he hit the ground . That 's two times where Silver has kicked and gotten away with it ; once because he lamed me and the other because he knocked down my Dad . It is no doubt time for his little procedure . Thursday morning , the vet came out . He 's a new guy , an Aggie ( Whoop ! ) . Silver didn 't care where he graduated from , he would not cooperate . The vet stuck him once , and Silver got away fast and out from under the needle . After that , we could barely get near him . I managed to get a few cc 's in his neck . It was a pretty strong sedative , but he just blew right through it he was so jazzed on adrenaline . We tried twitching him , but couldn 't get the chain on his nose . We also gave him a tube of oral sedative . That didn 't make a difference either . Then we tried tying him to his old snubbing post . I 've been wondering how to pull this post out of the ground and he did solve that problem for me . I waved the vet off before he pulled it all the way out , but he sure loosened it for me . The doc explained that a sedative should calm him . These can be done intramuscularly , which is the easiest to administer . You just poke it in and press the plunger . The tranquilizer won 't knock him out , but he is pretty unaware of his surroundings and the pain won 't really register . That can also be given IM , but it takes more medicine , so you can 't give it while he 's pulling away . Finally , the anesthesia can only be given intravenously , which means you have to get the needle in the right place and be able to take your time pushing the plunger . Obviously , this is a real problem if the horse won 't stand still for the simple IM sedative . There are a couple of ways around this . We could give an oral sedative , but I don 't think that will do it . The other way is to restrain him in a way that won 't hurt him or us . This would involve some heavy panels and two posts on either side of his head that we can run a chain from one post to the other and through his halter and over his nose . This might do it . Either way , we judged that his wounds are healing nicely without much help . We are going to let him heal and build back the trust . A friend of mine and I were watching him eat on Saturday and he was still pretty jumpy . I will just stand there while he eats for several days . He and Rebel are still chasing each other around , stopping periodically and nipping at each other . Scout just watches them curiously . Hopefully , Rebel won 't kill him before we can get the vet out and try again The day before July 4th last year , we were out looking around and discovered that Ol ' Mama Horse had had another gray foal . Now , what to call him ? We obviously can 't have another Silver . Traveler is too revered and Shadowfax is too fancy . So , since he was born close to Independence Day we are calling him Patriot . Because he was of Mama Horse 's brood , he has a tendency to be gentle , but he was still shy enough to where we couldn 't get our hands on him when we were feeding Mama . After we pulled Silver off to start working with , another fledgling stud that we call Amigo came up and he and Mama Horse and Silver made a kind of family . Around October , Dad and I were coming back from the hay field and we noticed that Patriot was all by himself in the Tallow Flat . The next night we went to check again and he was almost in the exact same spot . No Amigo , no Mama Horse . I started looking around and then I caught a whiff of death nearby . Mama Horse had gone on . We were not too surprised . She had never looked good and had of late been possessed of a skin ailment . So , her loss was felt , but not too keenly . We had talked of bringing Patriot up , but shortly afterwards he began to hang with Amigo . We kind of quit worrying about him . A couple of months went by and Amigo started wandering off and we would find Patriot by himself , often in the Old Field . The weather started to turn colder and we kept talking about getting him up , but we never could make it happen . One day , it had been a while since we had seen him and Anna and I came across the bones of a smallish horse in the Old Field . I feared the worst . Then I found a telltale patch of white hair . I have to confess that I did not handle it well . I was furious at God for allowing this to happen . I was furious for letting Him grieve my wife so . I did not handle it well and had to ask forgiveness on my knees later . I am still ashamed . Life goes on . We adjusted . We knew we didn 't have to worry about Patriot anymore . I regularly asked God for forgiveness for not trusting Him . I dealt with my feeling of rejection . We moved on . The rains eased up and the roads began to dry so we could start checking out the pasture again . About ten days or so after we discovered the bones and the white patch of hair we drove the Gator out to the Mineral Box Field . We could not believe our eyes , but there he was ! Anna was uncontrollably emotional . It takes a bit of control to keep myself from being moved now , but I must since I am at work . At the time , I was just stunned . What we had seen was Mama Horse . Even after months of being dead , the coyotes finally discovered her tiny carcass and drug her out into the Old Field . It was her bones and hair that we had found . I felt even more foolish for my outburst at God . After all the hours of watching NCIS , we still failed to properly deduce what happened at the crime scene . I Gibb - smack myself on the back of the head . It still took a week or so after that , but we regularly went out there and fed him . Amigo had gone on to bigger and better things , but Patriot was getting more and more accustomed to eating out of a bucket . He has been trying to move into the bachelor herd . Sometimes he was around , but most of the time not . Finally , we found a time when the other horses were not around and we led him all the way from the Mineral Box Field to the Pens . We started feeding him twice a day and only recently did we go to once a day feedings . We hated for him to be alone so we decided to move Sarge into the pasture with him . This was the first use of our new horse pasture . We finally got to move the saddle horses back up to the front , so we gave Patriot the run of the New Horse Pasture . We are calling it that because the pasture itself is new , but also because we will use it largely for gentling down new horses . Of course , we are open to suggestions on the name . Also , we have decided to turn Sarge out . The horse is just not getting over his skittishness . However , one of his good traits is that whenever we had a new horse in with the saddle horses , he was the first to adopt him . This was true with Leroy ( a reenactor 's horse that we kept for awhile ) and also with Silver . The goal would be to split a ration of food between Sarge and Patriot . This is all Patriot needs and it would wean Sarge off a full ration before turning him out to the main pasture . Out there , Sarge might be able to train other horses to come to food . It has been difficult getting Sarge to break away mentally from his old herd in the front . He has spent lots of time hanging around the new fence , pining away for his old companions . It has been a little tough to watch , but when I think about the trouble he has caused it makes it a little easier . Ultimately , he will be happier in the wild . It is where his nature fits in . He has begun to adopt Patriot like we hoped . Now , we drive the Gator over to the pens and the two of them start to wander over together , like a herd . Patriot is really coming along . We fed him for several days before even trying to halter him . Every time we fed , we would rub him down as much as we could . Eventually , he got more and more used to it . It got to where we could rub all over his neck and ears whenever he put his head down . This was the final step . After hazing around his head while he was eating , putting the halter on was easy . Now , he didn 't take it quite as well when he hit the end of the lead rope for the first time . His natural reaction was to continue backing , so I just went with him , keeping the slack out of the rope , but not pulling on it . He backed up to the gate and had to stop . I let him catch his breath , then gently took the slack out . He fought a bit , but we kept at that process a couple of times . Finally , he took a step toward me , taking the slack out . This is the key , of course . The whole idea is to get him to respond to pressure . By just taking out the slack in the rope instead of actually pulling on it , the horse is instantly rewarded when he takes a step . The slack automatically comes out . The lighter the touch , the more responsive to pressure he will be . Since then , we have haltered him a couple of times and he is a really quick study . He is leading around pretty good , but still needs to do this a lot so that it is just habit . I have also gotten Anna and even her sister to do a little of this . Hopefully , Anna can start working with him without the benefit of my presence . My goal is to keep him up for another several weeks . We will go through as much of the training process as possible . That way , when it is time to ride he will have already had a saddle on , know the bit , and trust people implicitly . As far as Patriot knows , he was never dead . The most dramatic thing that has happened to him was his mama dying . He doesn 't know that we thought him lost . He doesn 't know that , even though we know better , we feel like he has been resurrected from the dead . He just continues on in his little horse life . He eats , he sleeps , he follows the feed bucket , and now , he responds to pressure . |
Yesterday , I had a little conversation with C that went something like this : C : I had a dream about dinosaurs . Do you bemember dinosaurs ? They were in my room . Me : Do you know that there aren 't any dinosaurs anymore ? They lived a long , long time ago , but then they all died and all we have now is their bones . We can see pictures people drew of them , but we can 't go to any zoo anywhere and see any . C : The dinosaurs are dead ? Me : Uh - huh . C : Did they go to live with Jesus ? Me : Uh . . . . Uh - huh . C : And Nanny ? ( Adam 's grandmother who passed away about a year and a half ago ) Me : Uh . . . . Yes , the dinosaurs live with Jesus and Nanny . C : And they 're all dead ? Me : Yes . C : [ long pause ] . . . . . . . . Well . . . . then we better put their food in the fridge . Really , I don 't know what we did for entertainment before we decided to have kids . Wow . Been awhile since we posted . I thought that while we were living with my parents for a few months we 'd have more time , but it seems to be just the opposite . We had a wonderful Halloween ( and I 'll post a few pics later when I 'm on the right computer ) and a really fun Thanksgiving . I think C is somewhat adjusted to living here but he seems to have decided to be mad at my mom instead of wanting all her attention . I think it is because she seems a little more empowered to handle some discipline , and he doesn 't really care for that from her . My relationship with my mother is pretty much the same , only changing in the ways I would expect . But it really has brought to mind this idea of an evolving relationship between a mother and a child . With C and I , he is only three years old and already our relationship had changed dramatically . Now , he wants information from me mostly . . . for instance he wanted to know the other day where the animals put their food if Baby Jesus was in their manger . I want to do as much as I can to spark his creativity , and he has a lot more personal needs than a typical child his age . But I also need to do some things for me sometimes , and just have " quiet " time . So where is the balance ? I see moms with new babies and moms with all grown - up kids who struggle with this same issue . . . and what do you do ? Oprah would tell you that you need to have your " me " time and I think Dr . Phil would tell you to explore all your personal feelings and needs so as not to keep them bottled up , but I don 't know that I agree with either one of those . I do think you are a better mom if you take time for yourself . Even Jesus Christ , the perfect example , took time away from his disciples sometimes to meditate and be on his own . But I do believe there is a line , and sometimes I know I see people that are crossing it . I think that if you choose yourself and your feelings once , that 's okay . But if that is a frequent choice and is damaging to your children , or more importantly your relationship with your children , then I thiat Adam 's sister , Jess , has a degree in culinary arts and is amazingly talented when it comes to baking ( and lots of other things , too ! ) . I thought I 'd show off a bit of her work . . . at least some of the cupcake part . You really can 't help but take a picture sometimes . These are the cupcakes she made for C 's third birthday . Sooooooo cute ! ! ! Made with Oreos , Junior Mints ( my fav ) and Runts bananas . Can 't remember what occasion these were for . . . but the chocolate butterflies were so beautiful it seemed sin to eat them . And this was for my nephews ' birthdays . The spaghetti and meatballs is spaghetti - colored icing piped on , with Ferrero Rocher chocolates coated in strawberry jam . I didn 't get to try the pizza cake , but the pepperonis were fruit roll - ups . And this doesn 't even include all the gorgeously decorated cakes she 's made . I could seriously make blog just about her creations . We 've definitely been spoiled , and miss her family a ton since they recently moved to New York . . . and not just because of the cakes . Luckily we get to see them again soon ! ! Wow . . . it 's been over a month and I 'm just now getting around to posting about C 's birthday . I know I said I wouldn 't be posting again until we move , but I woke up at 5am and couldn 't get back to sleep and I 'm sure not packing any boxes right now . Connor is one of those very blessed kids that gets three birthdays . . . as you 'll see . He really got into his birthday this year , much more than he has any other year so far . ( And actually he thinks another one should be coming soon and asks me about it several times a week . ) I think I now have him convinced that Christmas will be really cool , too , because he keeps suggesting we should write a letter to Santa . Unfortunately , his letter right now would include a pickup truck he can drive so we 're waiting it out to see if that phase passes . The other day we had his first " see the commercial and want the toy " moment . . . and I know there is only more yet to come . This is his birthday with our DeLuca family . Elsie 's birthday was just about a month after C 's so she was pretty into it , too . She is so gorgeous you can hardly help from taking a picture . This is at his Peterson family 's house . My mom made some " Lightning A - queen pupcakes " for him . ( A really cool cupcake post is coming soon . . . . ) He is just starting to get into Star Wars , and figuring out what is funny . When we asked him how old he was now , he said , " I 'm a Jedi ! " . Awesome . And this is from his birthday at home . ( His last one at this house . . . sniff , sniff . ) While I will be the first to admit he gets a little spoiled sometimes , I would also be the first to tell you that he really has no idea about it . All he knows is that there a lots of people around him who love him a bunch . And we wouldn 't have it any other way . Happy Birthday to my sweet baby boy , who 's not a baby anymore . Right now I 'm sitting in our office , which is looking very bare . The closet is almost completely empty , and there is a tall empty bookcase sitting next to a very full box in need of taping . I suppose I should close it right now and get on to more packing , but I 'm taking a break cause I deserve it . But I am sure this will probably be our last post until we get settled again . It seems like we 've been waiting forever to move . . . one offer / half offer after another has really led us to feel like it would never happen . . . and yet suddenly it 's here . We 'll be out of this house in a week . I feel sort of like I did when I was eight months pregnant . . . like I 've been looking forward to something for so long that I hardly remember things not being the way they are now , but perched on the edge of the big change and suddenly wondering if I 'm really ready . We were in our little apartment when we first got married for about a year , but the other five + years of our marriage were spent here . Adam got his first real job here , we were pregnant here , we brought C home from the hospital to this house , and I remember many of the ups and downs of the last few years by where I was in the house when whatever it was happened . I feel like I should go through the house and take pictures of every room - - just to remember it as it is , but I know I 'd never really look at them . And really , it 's not just the house , but the whole community . I will admit . . . I won 't miss the crazy teenagers running up and down the road , or the weird people that frequent the Shelbyville Walmart , or trying to make it down US 60 during Shelbyville 's rush hour which is not caused by traffic but instead by people who all drive 40mph as their max speed . But we will miss the family five minutes away , the librarian and the awesome library program , our crazy " conspiracy theory " neighbor , the neighbor who thinks cigarettes are a fifth food group , the tractor stores and train overpass we go by on the way to just about anywhere that totally make C 's day , the beautiful park with walking pat I should be doing MANY other things right now , but I thought I 'd post this little bit to get it out of my head . The night before last , C woke up around 3 am and was talking in his bed . ( He often wakes up at 5 : 30 am and is awake for the day , but 3 am was a little early . ) I couldn 't tell what he was saying in the monitor , so I went into his room to ask what was wrong . He said , " Did we flush my green tanker truck down the toilet ? " That was it - - bad dream . He 's had bad dreams before , but never really had enough language to actually describe it . I assured him it was fine and we should go back to bed . He said he needed to go to the bathroom , so I took him in , and he repeatedly questioned me about the tanker truck , and was I the one who flushed him down the toilet . I tried to assure him his truck was still there and explain exactly what a dream was . He got quieter and went back to sleep , but never really seemed satisfied . Later that day when we were at church , C leans over to me and whispers , " Are we not going to flush our trucks down the church potty ? " While I tried really hard not to laugh , I told him we had no trucks with us and that I would never do that . After sacrament meeting , I took him to the bathroom . While sitting on the toilet , he points to an almost - gone zit on my face and says , " Is that your owwie ? " I said it was but it was almost gone . And he said , " Did you get that when you flushed my trucks down the toilet ? " Poor boy . Usually I am slightly annoyed when he points out my occasional zits , but this time I just couldn 't help but empathize . Unfortunately , as adults , we are not immune to bad dreams . I was reading a magazine article about dreams the other day , and they perfectly described my reoccurring adult nightmare - - I realize I am late for a final exam for a class I signed up for but forgot to ever attend . I did feel a little relieved that I am not alone in dreaming this because as far as adult nightmares go , this is apparently very popular . The magazine says this indicates that I am a person to whom achievementat Since even before C 's diagnosis , we have been a part of the First Steps program . It is our state 's Early Childhood Intervention program , and provided us with PT and OT at home . I don 't think I can explain in words how grateful I am for this program . To have trained professionals come to my home on a weekly basis to check on him , work with us , and assess his and our needs has been one of our greatest blessings . I feel like I am pretty observant and educated , and know my child very well , but they consistently noticed things that I did not . It has been so nice to be able to discuss all these life changes we have to make in the comfort of our own home , and I really truly feel like we have made some great friends . But then C turned three . And at three , the government steps in and pretty much dumps you out on your own . We could put C in the special needs preschool at the local elementary school , but I 'm not too thrilled with them , so we 're keeping him at home one more year . If we did send him there , we would have had " transition " meetings and " arc " meetings and all sorts of meeting with the school system , but since we decided to wait a year on preschool we are just on our own . I can say without shame there have been several times I have cried about this transition . First Steps was there to pretty much anticipate our needs and help us find whatever services and equipment were out there . And now we have to go it alone . I have spent the last month or two scrambling to find recommended therapists , who had space for C , and take our insurance . We also have to give back a lot of the equipment we 've borrowed , so we 're trying to get that replaced as well through insurance . I mean , some days I really can 't see how my life was ever busy before I had all this to do . And today we had our first visit with the new OT . . . and I am thrilled ! ! ! It 's about a 35 minute drive , but they have great equipment ( including a disco ball - - not sure why they need that , but it 's awesome ) and C actually gets to see a man now . I think it is going to be realat So we had another little " wheelchair ramp " issue . . . but this time was much worse . Our van 's AC was being repaired , and we were spending the day at my mother 's house waiting for it to be fixed . I have been sick for about a week now , so when C flat - out refused to take a nap my mom graciously agreed to watch him so I could lay down for a few minutes . So here 's the really sad part . . . as I was trying to drift off to sleep , I kept thinking over and over that the wheelchair was in the back of my mom 's van and she was going to have to get it out of there before she picked up her carpool . I kept thinking I should get up and do something about it , but in my half asleep state I never quite convinced my body to do it . Just before I fell asleep I remember thinking I 'll help her as soon as I wake up . . . she won 't leave for carpool before she wakes me up . Yup , wrong about that one . When I woke up , I immediately remembered the wheelchair , and went downstairs to get started . I walked toward the kitchen and my mom was standing in the doorway looking at me . She said , " I had a little accident . " ( And I 'm not really convinced this wasn 't all my fault for not listening to the little voice prompting me to go downstairs . ) She had tried to get the chair out of the van herself , which she has done before several times , only this time the ramp slipped and the ramp , with the chair on it , landed on her foot . She doesn 't remember , nor can any of us figure out , just how that ramp got off her foot . But she was doing it right before she needed to leave for carpool , so instead of waking me up , she just put a towel down on the floor of her van to catch the blood , and took off . She claims she thought it would be too hard to climb the stairs , but I fully blame it on her frequently - seen " I can do anything even though I am injured " attitude . After convincing my mom she needed to go to the Urgent Care Center and didn 't need to drive herself this time , we jumped in the car to head out . Just then C 's PT pulled up to the house to do his therapy , so we left him , that Last Friday we decided to venture out to the zoo and give C some space to roam with the new chair . We didn 't quite get to see as many animals as we wanted because he was too busy driving . He 's only driven it four or five times , and he is already twice as good as he was at the beginning . He is really learning fast . On this trip , he figured out the " speed " button , that adjusts the speed up and down at four different levels . On the slowest speed , I have to walk slowly beside him , but at the fastest speed I have to do a super fast walk / very slow jog to keep up with him . He would say , " Now I 'm going to go fast " , and hit the button and take off . And only once did I get my flip - flop ran over . . . when he got a little distracted and didn 't leave enough space for me to walk beside him . He did stop and take one break . . . to ride the carousel with his Daddy . I am so excited to have this chair . He LOVES driving it and finally having his independence . We got the EOB from our insurance yesterday . . . they billed $ 37 , 000 for the thing and all its parts . Granted , that is the billed amount and what insurance has actually contracted to pay them will be thousands less , but still it made me very , very grateful for the blessing of having that Medicaid program as his secondary insurance because of his diagnosis . I am also so , so thankful for a pediatrician who pushed us to apply for it when we did even though we really didn 't see the need back then . Much of this stuff we have to do is really hard to face , but there are awesome little blessings all along the way . Well , once again , it looks like we might move . About this time last year we put our house on the market , and it has been up and down ever since . For the first month or two , no one looked . I mean no one . We even had an open house and no one came . Little did we know we were moving into a recession and a horrible slump in the housing market . Then things randomly started to pick up . We had people looking almost every week until the holidays . They all said our house was " in really good condition " or " cute , " but no one wanted to buy . Then there was a slump for the holidays , and then things picked up again . We had about three almost offers , but something happened every time . And then finally - - it happened . We had a genuine negotiated and signed offer with a woman who also had a signed contract on her house . We started packing boxes , changing addresses , and saying goodbye . . . and then the sale on her house fell through . ( big sigh ) And now , we just got the news that after relisting her house , she once again has a negotiated and signed offer on her house . Now we just have to wait for the inspection and appraisal on her house to find out if it 's a go . ( The appraisal and home inspection she did on our house is still valid . ) So , when I first got the news , I was thrilled ! ! We never thought she 'd get another offer so soon , though our real estate agent seemed to have so much hope . But then things slowly went downhill ( emotion - wise ) as I remembered all we 'd been through and how we 'd had failure after failure for a year . Every keeps telling us , " It just takes one ! " but after a year of " ones " you start to wonder just how many there are yet to come . And now , though I am not as ecstatic as I first was upon hearing the news , I can honestly say I am still hopeful . At least in my heart . My head , on the other hand , I think wants to smack my heart in the face and tell it to wake up , but my heart still has this overwhelming faith that it might just workout this time . So hopefully in about two weeks we 'll have a good idea what the truth of it is , at In reading this title , I 'm sure your first thoughts are that my almost three year - old ( who just got a new power wheelchair ) had a crash . . . that is really not all too unexpected as he learns to drive . Nope , not the three year - old . . . it was me who had the crash . Yesterday my mom and I took the chair to Sams Club with the realization that a ridiculously large warehouse with wide aisles was pretty much the perfect training ground . He did an amazing job . I walked along next to him , ready to grab his hand off the joystick at any time , and I think I really only had to do it once when he overshot a stopping point . I 've gotten to a point where I really don 't care if people stare at him in his chair . . . but really I 'm not sure why . Maybe because I 'm just so dang excited for him to finally have a way to independently move around wherever he wants to go . Or maybe because in my head I assume they are thinking how awesome it is that a two year - old can drive that thing so well . . . cause it is . Either way , I loved it and I 'm very tempted to take him back there every day . The accident actually occurred when we arrived back at my mother 's house . I put the ridiculously heavy metal ramp on the lip at the edge of the back van door , and started to back the wheelchair down it . Well , apparently the ramp wasn 't in quite as stable as a position as I thought because the thing slid backwards , fell to the ground , and our $ 24000 , 250 lb wheelchair flipped itself backward and went down right along with it . I will admit that at this point a word escaped my lips that I never say . . . mostly because I thought Jenna , who was standing on the other side of the ramp , was caught underneath . But she was fine . The ramp , however , was not . These two loops on the back of the chair were apparently made of stronger metal than the ramp , and they each punched a hole in it . This also made it almost impossible to tip the chair back over - - because it was now lodged in the ramp . But , after a lot of wiggling and pushing , and after the zipper on the chair 's headrest punch a smaat A wise woman ( Lynnie ) once told me when your kids make a big mess , sometimes all you can do is take a picture . We have been potty training for quite a few months now . Not my favorite thing . And our bathroom experiences usually ended up like this . . . with C doing anything on the potty that he could think of except for what he was there for . This , unfortunately , was almost a full roll of Gram 's toilet paper . I was shocked he could actually unroll it that fast - I was only out of the door for just a few seconds . And he was so proud of how he " folded " it all for me that I didn 't have the heart to be upset . I was a little worried about the whole process since C isn 't exactly able to run in to the potty himself , but since I have found pretty much no two year - olds do that . . . it really didn 't end up making much difference . Months and months later , though I am almost scared to say it aloud , I think we are just about done . C has been wearing the " big boy " underwear for a several days now with just one accident . I want to be excited about all the money we are going to save on diapers , but he finishes just shy of his third birthday - - the date the state would start giving them to us for free . Oh well - - what can you do . Lately , at the end of every day , I feel so exhausted and yet I have done nothing . I realized the other day it is because so much has happened to us lately that I haven 't had time to mentally process it all . . . so even if my legs aren 't moving much , my mind is just running and running . At the end of June , we had the opportunity to attend the worldwide FSMA Conference , which was so conveniently located in Cincinnati this year . Adam 's mom came with us a well , and as always we are forever grateful for the many ways she shows her love and support to us . The week before we left , I finally told Adam that I was truly scared to go . Not because I would learn anything shockingly new , but because I wasn 't sure I could handle being immersed in it all for days at a time . I guess that doesn 't make sense much since we live it every day , but Connor is really just a typical almost - three year - old , except that he can 't walk . So sometimes it is easy to forget all that has happened , and some of the different possibilities for the future . After experiencing the conference , I feel it was such a blessing that we were able to go . We did learn a lot about some things that might come up in the future , so that we are much more comfortable with them now . And it was so . . . well almost relaxing and empowering at the same time . . . to be with a group of people who all worried about the same things we do . I will carry that feeling with me wherever I go . I think what impressed me most was the teen and adult panels . They talked about their experiences and what had worked for them and hadn 't . It was so amazing to see all that just this small group had accomplished . Between them all they had gone hours away from home for college , swam competitively , given birth to a healthy baby , traveled to Costa Rica , and so much more . They were so open and honest , and as a parent raising a child with this challenge it was so refreshing to hear - - I just soaked it all up . What still stays with me is the words of one well - spoken college - age young woman . A parent asked her somethat We 've gotten a good laugh lately over all the people we know and love from far away that seem to be passing by Louisville lately , and some of those we love from here seem to be trading places with them . I guess summer is just a busy travel time . Here 's how it 's been : my mother and sister flew to Washington state about a week ago . Two of my cousins from Washington are driving from there to Florida and Pittsburgh together and they 'll be coming by Louisville twice during the drive . When my mom and sister get back from the west , another cousin , also from the west , will fly out here to spend a few weeks with them . And we are leaving tomorrow to go not very far away - - to Cincinnati - - for the SMA Conference . We 'll be staying with my old roommate 's parents there , though that roommate now lives in Florida . Then a few days after we get back , C and I will travel to Virginia to meet up with that roommate from Florida and another old roommate to spend a week together . You know . . . every once in awhile my mind wanders back to the " olden " days , and I wonder what someone from the past would think of traveling across the country so much . I can picture in my head being like good ol ' Bill & Ted , and climbing in my phone booth to go back in time and pick up Napoleon or Abe Lincoln , or maybe just my great , great , great grandmother . Wouldn 't it be exciting to explain , " Look what we can do now " and " That 's not a problem any more because we have this . " I 'm sure they would be shocked to see that I can drive the 25 miles into Louisville to do some morning shopping and be back home in time for naptime , and even more astounded at how far we choose to travel for a quick vacation . I am sure they would be amazed with some of the incredible obstacles we face now that they never dreamed of . But you know , I think the same could be said for us when we think about their time . I can 't help feeling grateful to God that he put me right where I am . I may have a lot of challenges in my life , but one thing is for sure - - I would have been a horrible pioneer . When I was a child , and even into high school , I would see my mother reading a gardening magazine or book quite often . She knows the names of so many flowers , and I remember quite a few times when she would tell me the name of some wildflower we 'd pass on the side of the road . I always wondered how she could possibly be so interested in flowers that she could spend so much of her time learning about them . But because it seemed to make her so happy , I passed it off as some sort of specialized hobby and accepted it for what it was . Now I know . I know that planting a flower makes you feel like you 're doing something to make your home more beautiful , and a happier place . And that somewhere deep inside you feel that if planting a flower makes your family happy , then doing it makes you happy , too . And so I garden . Not like my mother does , but I do my little bit that is enough to make me feel content that I 've done something good as I walk through our yard . I do not yet have a daughter of my own , but I have a son who loves to sit by me and play while I work . . . because of course he would never pass up an opportunity to dig in the dirt . We got him his own kid garden tools and " boy " garden gloves ( they are blue with worms on them ) , and he has been asking every day if it is a " warmer " day so we can garden . And though I know he would just as soon rip a flower to pieces as plant it , I am very grateful for this season where he and I can share something that makes us both smile . Tuesday , I was trying to clean up my house a bit , when I got a call from our real estate agent . I said , " Hello ? " and she said , " Is there someone outside your house ? " At first I was a little creeped out like it was a random warning about some weird guy hanging out in my front yard , but I quickly realized who it was and ( with a big sigh ) that I was probably going to have to hurry up and finish cleaning everything because someone wanted to see the house right away . I was right . We made an appointment for them to come back in an hour , and I flew threw the house trying to finish all the cleaning I could while encouraging Connor to scarf down his remaining chicken nuggets and applesauce . After some last - minute frantic vacuuming , we bounded down the front steps and I told C we were going for a ride on his tricycle . He LOVES his trike . If you look back in the blog to last summer somewhere , I think there 's a picture . We got it at Sam 's Club , and it is a Lightning McQueen trike , which means a lot more to him this year now that he 's so into the movie . It has one of those " parent push " handles in the back , and you can either engage or disengage the his front pedals . So all last year , I left the pedals disengaged and let him just put his feet on the seperate footrest bar . But he 's a little big to reach that properly now , so I just strapped his flip flops under the reals pedals to keep his feet on . Then , just on a whim , I engaged the front pedal figuring whatever push he might give every once in awhile would be good exercise . I sat him on the trike on back of the driveway , and bent down to pick up my purse , and when I turned around HE WAS PEDALING ! ! I couldn 't believe it ! ! I started searching the ground to see if there was some mysterious hill in our driveway I never noticed before , and though it does barely angle down toward the street , C was really keeping it going all on his own ! ! So we went to for big long walk up and down our street . The street goes uphill a bit , and he needed some pushing going up . . . and actually I think juat A few days ago , my mother - in - law , sister - in - law , and our new little niece stopped by to visit . Connor has quickly caught on to the fact that most everyone has a cell phone these days . So his Aunt Jess wasn 't there very long before he was asking to see her cell phone . He remember from the last time he saw her that there was a picture of her dog on the phone , and he was dying to see it . Then he said he needed to call somebody , so Jess dialed her husband 's number and Connor took it from there . He cracked us up . I was very impressed with how important he seemed to think it was to share the phone with the baby . Lucky for her , she slept through the whole thing . The frog was a toy he found in his toy closet ( with some guidance ) because he insisted she needed one . I 'm so excited to see him as a big brother . As we are pulling together the photos for the adoption , I just cannot get over some of these cute pics with the grandparents . Adam and I feel truly blessed to have the parents we do . It is a hard balance to find - - to let your children be adults and manage their own lives , but still be there and willing to lend help when needed . And it seems like we have been through a lot lately , and they have all four been right there to help . I cannot even imagine the length of the list of all the ways they have blessed our lives . This is Dennis and Kay 's cool swingset they put up in their backyard for the grandkids . This is one of my very favorite pictures , because it shows just how much their grandchildren make them happy . This is my dad and Connor in the brand new sandbox they got him for Easter to use when he visits their house . They do love Connor very much , but I think they also consider it an investment in grandkids yet to come . Both of our sets of parents continually bless us with advice , their time , and sometimes a little extra something when life has put is in a tight spot . When we first got married , Adam and I joked that shopped for groceries at Kmart ( or Kay 's Mart , Adam 's mom ) and Sams Club ( or San 's Club - - short for Sandy , my mom ) because with our money so tight , our parents let us " shop " in their pantries to help out . And even now , we still to get groceries from both places occasionally . We are so grateful for their love and that - - come what may - - they will always be behind us to give support if we need it . I am having a little trouble . I am supposed to be working on our " Letter to the Birthparents " for the adoption , but I am having trouble . Not because I don 't know what to say , but because there is so much to say . I guess I 'm glad the birthparent is not here to talk to in person just yet until we can get our thoughts together in this letter , because I 'd probably overwhelm them telling them all about how we 're happy and excited , and Connor wants to be a big brother and asks when the baby is coming , and about our home and our awesome and supportive family , and the things that make us laugh and what 's been hard for us . I know we 're not perfect parents , but we provide Connor with lots and lots of love and support , and will of course do the same for our other children . We are soooooooooo excited to add to our family , but finding the right words to convey that to someone else is just a little hard . I want this letter not to be too cheesy , but the truth . . . . well the truth is cheesy . The truth is that the love of a parent for a child is one of the very strongest bonds there is . . . and therefore describing it is just going to sound a little cheesy I guess . I want the birthparents to have the opportunity to get to know us , and then they 'd know ! They 'd know how much we will cherish their child and what an opportunity it is to have their baby become a part of our lives . But . . . I guess it 's not really feasible for them to get to know every birth couple intimately . So , I guess we 'll just do our best and know that the baby that is meant to come to our family will come . . . and we 'll love them forever . Okay , I 'm ready to start again . Wanna get some progress made before Adam gets home to help . We 've had a pretty bad week . The worst of the days , at least for me , was the day the fire truck came . I had parked my van behind Adam 's car , so when he left for work in the morning he moved my van out in front of our house . Since another car was parked there also , Adam blocked our mailbox just a little . Later on in the morning , I realized our mortgage needed to go out in the mail and the mailman had already gone down one side of the street . I grabbed my keys and told Connor ( who was playing in his room ) that I 'd be back in a sec , and went to move the van back to the driveway and put the mortgage in the mailbox . Just so you realize , I had gotten in late the night before so I didn 't wash my face and had old makeup on . I definitely had not showered and had just pulled my crazy hair up with a hair band , and I threw on an old sweatshirt ( without a bra ) and just walked quickly out figuring I 'd be back in about 30 seconds . I was wrong . As I was walking out , I thought I 'd just go ahead and lock the door . I knew I 'd be just a sec , but I was going to be inside the van and there were some people outside . When I was done , I came back to the front door to unlock it , and realized I didn 't have my house key . When I left on my trip , I put it in the diaper bag for my mother - in - law to use , and I never got it back out . I immediately knew there were no unlocked doors or windows , cause I 'm pretty careful about that . I went over to C 's bedroom window , and yelled through the window that I was stuck outside but I 'd be back in a few minutes . He was okay for a bit , but then he started crying that he wanted me to pick him up , and I felt my panic level rise about 3 points . Just then my neighbor walked outside and I went frantically running over to her begging for her cell phone . I called Adam and he said he 'd be home as soon as he could . So then I went back to C 's window to wait . I was so scared something would happen to him that I just wanted to keep him talking to me through the window . His window was about even with my mouth , and unfortunateat Our adoption worker helper person ( what is his official title ? ) called us and said the Adoption Committee would be meeting on Monday , and we will find out if our home study is approved . I think we have everything in order and no reason to be denied , but for some reason I 'm still nervous . If all goes well with that , then we just have to finish our website . . . and then we 're ready to be chosen ! It seems like this all has gone so fast . . . but I know there is still more to do . We are so excited to have a new member of our family ! ! Say a prayer for us ! My mom called at 8 : 30pm last night . I was hoping instead it was the real estate agent , calling to say one of the people who looked at our house on Saturday put in an offer ( the same sad hope I have every time she calls ) , but no luck there . I greeted my mom with the usual , " How are you ? " and her reply was , " I 've been better . " From her tone I knew it was not an emergency thing , but a sad thing , so I walked out to the living room with Adam and sat down on the couch . She told me that my grandma , her mother , had passed away . My grandma was not a young grandma by any stretch . . . my mother is the eighth of my grandma 's ten children and now a grandmother herself . . . and my grandma had health problems too numerous to list . But it still came as a bit of a surprise , as we had no notice she was having any serious health issues . My sisters , cousins and I have all expressed the same thing . . . that we have this strange mix of joy and sadness . We know that Grandma was prepared for death , and missed my grandpa , who died in an accident 15 years ago . I have no doubt that she is much happier now than she has been in a long time . But for some reason , that perfect knowledge still couldn 't hold back my tears . I have wandered around for most of the day in a haze . I forget what I 'm about to do the instant after I decide to do it . . . I can 't remember where I put anything . . . I keep forgetting what I am supposed to do and where I 'm supposed to go . I am flying out to the funeral on Thursday , but I can 't even begin to think about what to pack . . . especially since Connor will be staying home with his dad , and I actually don 't have to pack for a kid . It 's as if I can see the pieces of myself scattered about . . . and I know I 'm all here but I just can 't find the will to put myself back together just right now . But I can tell you what I do know - - family is coming . That side of my family has over 50 first cousins , and lots of them have kids of their own now as well . Many of them I haven 't seen in years and years , and even though it is a sad reason for such a gatherat I got special permission to tell this story , cause it the hardest I 've laughed in quite some time . A few nights ago , Adam and I were gearing up for the Big East Conference Championship ( basketball , for those of you blessed with husbands less interested in sports ) where our team , the Louisville Cardinals , would be playing for their first conference title since joining this conference . Just a few minutes before the game was supposed to start , our power suddenly blinked and then the entire house went dark . Adam and I stared at each other in disbelief . We 've lived in this house for about five years , and have yet to loose power - - even through the windstorm of Ike and the ice storm a few months ago . We opened our front door , and walked out into the front yard under a perfectly clear sky . All our neighbors still had power , except for our neighbors in the house just to our left , who had also walked out into their front yard . We chatted and it was decided we would both call the power company in the hopes of getting a faster repair . I think the guy at the power company must have been angry I took him away from his book or something , because I have never felt more stupid than I did talking to him . I told him the power was out , and he asked me if " all " of it was out , or just some . ( I 'm thinking , " Yup , I turned out the lamp and then called you . " ) Then he wanted to know if there was a noise when the power went out . I told him just the noise of it going off . So he told me that electricity is " mysterious " ( he seriously said that ) and doesn 't make a sound when it goes out , as if he 's catching me in a lie or something . I told him I meant the noise the TV and everything else in the house made when it suddenly went off . So then he asked if it is just us , or other people on our street . I told him it was us and just the neighbor next door , and he tells me that no , it should be us and then next five houses . So at this point I start to wonder if he actually shut our power off himself since he seems to know so much . I tell him it is only us , at We have moved on to the next phase of the adoption ! This past week , we went up to Indianapolis to have our interviews - - couple and individual - - with our adoption worker . Of course , we stressed it out way too much , and it was really very simple . The guy is really nice to talk to , and it was very easy going and friendly . The worst part was that we checked several sources and somehow still got bad information about what time zone Indianapolis is in ( Eastern , in case you were wondering ) and showed up 30 minutes late instead of the 30 minutes early we had planned . Luckily they didn 't have any other interviews that day so it all worked out fine . Connor , who has been dragged on trip after trip to see doctor after doctor , kept saying we were going to Cincinapolis . We finally convinced him of the true name , and now he randomly says , " I want to go to Indianapolis " about once a day . So I guess he had a good experience too . Then yesterday , we had our home visit . Luckily , with the house being for sale we are used to picking everything up and just where to put it . And since we already have a child , everything was already thoroughly baby - proofed , so it was a breeze as well . Sweet Sharon Leezer , the adoption specialist for our stake , came over and stayed with me while he was here to have two women in the house so it wasn 't just me and our adoption worker ( agency rules ) . So now , we have to create a website that talks about us and our family , as well as paper copies of the same thing . We have to put together pictures of us , as well as answer " What do you think about . . . " and " Who would you . . . " and " If you could . . . " type of questions . And then from there once everything is approved and the home study is written up , we are ready to be selected ! So , my question is if anyone has any suggestions about digital scrapbooking . I guess that is how most people do the paper sheets . I have done just a tiny bit of stuff - - mostly for the blog , but I think I am going to need to know more . Wish us luck ! On Sunday , my niece , Lola , was blessed . It was so fun for all our family to be together , and she is a gorgeous little girl that I am excited to get to know . But my eyes kept drifting to the family a few rows ahead of ours in the chapel with a young child with Downs Syndrome . My cousin recently found out that the little girl she is carrying has Downs Syndrome . My thoughts keep turning to her and her family over and over in a way I don 't think they ever would have before my Connor was diagnosed with his disorder . There is something that bonds us all together - - all of us moms who have to deal with the pain of watching our children struggle with more than it seems they should have to bear , and with the painful knowledge of the struggles they will face in their future . In two weeks it will be one year since we received Connor 's diagnosis . In that one year , I can 't say my day - to - day life has really changed that much . C still gets his same OT and PT as he was then , and he is just as happy as always . But I know I have changed . When he was first diagnosed , I cried every day . I couldn 't sleep with all the thoughts and worries and anxiety . Some days I wanted to hold him so tight , and some days it was hard to just see him and be reminded over and over of this new knowledge of his SMA . Little thoughts would pop into my head for a millisecond , that maybe I didn 't get enough of some vitamin , or maybe something hit my belly really hard while I was pregnant . . . but then I would remind myself that this was genetic , and there was nothing I could have done . I cried after every new doctor 's visit and physical therapy appointment , because it was so hard to go through the story of how we found out over and over again and rehash those initial feelings only to end the appointment being told all the things my son couldn 't or wouldn 't do in their particular area of expertise . At this , one of the most difficult times of my life , one of the very greatest blessings I had came from perfect strangers . I started to meet moms and dads from all over theat Growing up it was our family tradition that each Valentine 's Day the Valentine Bandit would leave presents on our doorstep . Sometime during the day , we would hear a knock at the door and the doorbell would be run repeatedly . My sister and I would race to the front door , fling it open , leap over the gifts , and rush out into the yard in an attempt to capture the ever - elusive Bandit . When I went to college , the Valentine Bandit found his way to whatever apartment I was living in , but this time he just sent a lovely bouquet of flowers . And now that I am married and have my own little family , a new Bandit has joined their ranks and once again visited our house this past V - day and brought some gifts for Connor . This past year C had his birthday , and then came September ( when most of the rest of the DeLucas were born ) , and then soon shortly after was Christmas . So he has gotten pretty used to the idea that every month or so he gets some presents . When we explained what the Valentine Bandit was , he started to ask every day if it was Valentine 's Day . And when the doorbell finally rang , I wish I had taken a picture of the look of pure excitement that was on his face . This is what he found . Then we went for a little visit to my parents house . . . and wouldn 't you know a Valentine Bandit showed up there , too . Can you tell that C likes " Lie - Queen " ( aka Lightning McQueen ) ? And now , he asks every day when the Easter Bunny is coming . at This morning , I was in the kitchen reading a magazine , when I started to hear C 's little voice say , " These are my new eyes . These are my NEW eyes . " I figured I 'd better go check on him before he did some sort of permanent eye damage . When I walked in the living room , this is what I saw . That kid can make anything out of mega blocks . C is also discovering ways of communicating that aren 't just the words in the dictionary . At lunch a few minutes later , ( after coating his face with pudding ) he began his new favorite past time , which I like to call the Shhh - Ahhhhhhhh Cycle . ( Press pause on the music player at the bottom of the blog to hear it best . ) He even figured out that you need the finger in front of your mouth to make the " Shh " correct . I bet you have no idea just how long a two year - old can keep this up . In public places . Quiet public places . Ah the joys of motherhood . at If you read my blog way back in early last year , you know that we want to have more children , but were unsure about what to do with so many options . If none of this had happened with Connor , we would already have had our second child . . . but genetics complicated things a little . Now , after much thought and prayer , we have decided to adopt . We are pretty excited about the decision . The minus would of course be the worries about the finality of a birth mother / father 's decision to terminate their parental rights . While we are aware of that , we feel that this is the path the Lord wants us to take and that all things will work out as they should . And . . . there are sooo many pluses . Adam 's family has quite a few connections to adoption , including a sister who is an adoption worker , so we feel comfortable with the idea and have some knowledge beforehand of how things work . We will get to provide a happy and loving home to a child and grow our family , and Connor will get a sibling . He is pretty excited about it and has already told us a brother or sister is coming to " stay at our house . " So , now all the craziness begins . We have a zillion forms to fill out and send off , and I think some of you we 've talked to might be getting some forms too . And we have interviews , and home visits , and maybe in a little over a year , a new addition to our family ! These are adventurous times . Last night , with several inches of snow on the ground and an ice storm looming , we decided to make the perilous trip to my parents ' house . Our gas logs weren 't working , and with the threat of a power outage we thought it better to be where there was a generator , space heaters , a wood - burning fire place , lots of food , and we would be closer to Adam 's work . An hour later , we made it there after passing an accident where an SUV was way off the shoulder of the freeway , in the woods where it had hit a tree facing backwards . Don 't ask me how that happened . The freezing rain started , and by 10pm we began to hear loud crashes as branches broke all over the neighborhood . Unfortunately , a rather large branch fell on my parents , old van . Luckily , their new Odyssey was safe in the garage . My dad , Jenna , and I ventured out to take a look , trying to be careful to avoid all the old trees that might have branches that could fall . It was gorgeous and menacing at the same time , if that is possible . . . especially because we were due for 3 more inches of snow the next day . This morning we woke up and got an even better picture of just how bad things are . School is cancelled for the rest of the week . So , in celebration , we took Connor out for his first try at sledding . . . and he loved it ! We picked a path that was not underneath any trees and away we went ! Jenna had a few wipeouts . Connor found out there was a very cool tool associated with snow . . . the snow shovel . He might have liked that even more than the sledding . The only shoes we brought were his slippers and we only had a 4T size snowsuit , so we rubberbanded the feet to keep the snow out ( in case you were wondering why he looked like Lt . Dan ) . Even when he got a little bit of snow in his eyes , he was still a good sport and wanted to go right back up the hill again . And , my parents are in the minority that still has power , so we 'll probably just stay holed up here tonight , and eat scones and play Wii , hoping for better weather tomorrow . An idea from a friend . . . I did NOT purposely not do the dishes because I knew my husband would do them when he got home . And of course I did NOT snatch the bread tray out of the deacon 's hand because I was mad at my child for being so loud in church . And I would NEVER ignore both the first and the second friend requests on Facebook from someone I barely knew in high school . . . that would be heartless . I did NOT lie to my child and say we did not have any suckers . . . just cause I didn 't want to clean it up . I was NOT the person who used up the toilet paper without replacing the roll . I would NEVER let my child watch 3 movies in one day . . . just to have some time to actually get something accomplished . I would never do those things , because I am a perfect wife and mother . Of course . I am supposed to post the 6th picture from the 6th folder of my pictures . Well . . . odds are it was going to be this . Connor . We have about a thousand million bizillion pictures of our little boy . He loved to play with our laundry basket , and really still does . He thought it was so cool to tip it over , and then if we put it on his head he would laugh and laugh . . . until he realized it was a little too awkward to get off on his own . These days , he likes to use it as a basketball goal and throw his blocks into it . ( If it is unfortunately not present , he 'll just chuck them across the room as hard as he can . ) It also functions well as a racecar to zip across the carpet with him inside . He loves to go fast . We 're still a little worried about the chair that can go 5 mph , but I guess we 'll just take it as it comes . Oh , so I guess I 'm supposed to tag 6 people . Hmmm . . . Lynnie , Megan L . , Laura , Erin , Stephanie , and Jill . Ever since we got our new crib , Connor has been really into " fixing " things . The crib came with this little monkey wrench , and C carried it around with him everywhere for a week . For Christmas Santa brought him a " real " tool set , and he loves it . It came with this sweet tool belt that he likes to wear around . Whenever he sees Adam fixing something , he says he needs his screwdriver and proceeds to poke in the middle of whatever his dad is doing with his tools . Then , the other day he was being too quiet in his room . . . you know , the too quiet where you know they are probably into some type of trouble . So I go in there , and this is what I see . He was silently working and totally absorbed . So when I ask what he 's doing , he tells me his firetruck was broken , and so of course he is fixing it . Sure love that kid . And if he really had those skills I could have used him when earlier this week I ran over something in the road that ripped a hole down the side of my tire . Luckily , a real " large equipment mechanic " that works for the state of Kentucky stopped with his " cool " truck with flashing lights ( according to C ) , and got us back on the road in no time . I could have changed it myself , but it was FREEZING outside , and I had no gloves / scarf / hat and a very thin jacket . Normally I would have been freaked out at a stranger stopping , but he did have a state vehicle with the seal and everything , and was obviously doing his best to make me recognize he wasn 't creepy . He told me about his kids and that he lived in Waddy ( a real town name ) and that he 'd want somebody to stop and help his wife if they were stuck on the side of the road in 15 degree weather . As I drove away , I saw him stopping again to help another car further down the road that obviously hit the same thing I did . When we got back on our way I called Adam again to tell him what happened . ( He would have come to help , but he was 30 minutes away and I knew he was having a very busy day at work so I convinced him I could do it myself . ) He said he was glad I got help and that Monday we took a little trip up to Cincinnati , to " The Brace Shop . " Connor is in desperate need of knew KAFOs , or Knee - Ankle - Foot Orthoses . ( Aren 't you impressed with my new vocab words ? ) Basically , they are the full - leg braces with the bar up the sides that allow him to lock his knees back to walk in the walker . The last time we were at the orthotist here in Louisville , they said the ones he has now ( that we got just in April and cost $ 4000 ) would maybe last until December or January . He has to walk once or twice a day in them for about an hour , so we really need braces that work . Yesterday I noticed he was starting to get some pretty bad red marks at his knees and upper thighs , so the sooner the better . We went to The Brace Shop because our neurologist wrote a prescription for a special new type of braces they do there . The orthotist from there went to England and trained with the doctors who created these . They have a little " shelf " in the back that goes under his bottom , so that he can have more stability when he walks and maybe even stand independent of the walker ! They also have a hinge at the knee , instead of these horrible 3 - strap leather things we have now that totally do not work . And if that all wasn 't enough , the plastic has these pictures of trains , planes , cars and trucks on it . I am sooo excited ! ! No really , I am . These things are a part of our life now and it is so great to hope we 'll have something that works even better . So Connor got casted for the braces , and in 3 weeks we will go back for a fitting and then we get to take them home . Then we 'll go back up and have training with the Cincinnati Children 's PT on the braces , and see how they help . So while we were in Cincy , we decided to visit the IKEA . Oh my word , I love that store . I think they should have an income limit , and if you 're household income isn 't at least $ X you should not be allowed in the store because it is pretty much guaranteed you 're going to spend way too much . I will say though , that I actually did pretty good . I am the proud neat The other night , I was having these dreams of my BYU days . It was really weird cause I was back at BYU , but somehow also married . . . and yet Adam didn 't live with me . Only in a dream . Anyway , then my awesome cousin , Merry , had this on her blog , so I thought I 'd fill it out . And , I expect all my friends who ever went to BYU , BYU - I / Ricks , or even lived in Provo to fill this out . 77 questions . [ X ] You have been kissed at lease once [ _ ] Your first kiss was on campus [ X ] You 've had a boyfriend / girlfriend [ X ] You lived in the dorms your freshman year [ X ] You went to Homecoming or Preference [ X ] You hiked the Y [ _ ] You 've taken a social dance class [ X ] You regularly attended FHE for at least a semester [ X ] You 've participated in Choose to Give [ _ ] You 've been to Liberty Square for a party at least once [ X ] You 've driven around south of campus for at least 20 minutes trying to find a parking spot [ X ] You know the cougar fight song [ X ] You 've crossed the crosswalk without using the flags or biked through a red light [ _ ] You 've been to Friday Night Live [ X ] You 've performed or witnessed an act that made it onto Police Beat [ _ ] You 've been on a " date " to the bell tower or duck pond [ X ] You 've been to the Bean Museum for FHE [ X ] You 've been to Divine Comedy [ X ] You 've been to International Cinema [ _ ] You are engaged [ X ] You are married [ X ] … in the temple [ _ ] You were previously engaged / married [ X ] You have kids or are expecting kids [ X ] Your birth parents are still married [ X ] … in the temple [ X ] You have at least three siblings [ X ] You 've taken a marriage prep or relations class [ X ] You 've taken at least one religion class that is not based on the scriptures [ X ] You have slept on a couch in a restroom [ X ] You have been to the BYU Creamery [ X ] You have been in one of the BYU choirs [ _ ] You 've been on a date to Fat Cats [ X ] You have read Twilight [ X ] … book 2 [ X ] … book 3 [ X ] … book 4 [ X ] … seen the movie [ _] … more than once [ _ ] You 've waited in line at the Bookstore for the Harry Potter or Twilight book premiere [ X ] You havat A few of Adam 's friends ' wives and I sometimes joke that we 're sports widows . Except for us , our husbands pretty much live and breathe sports , and it is all they talk about when they get together . This year , I was privileged enough to actually be the one invited when Adam got two tickets to the University of Louisville ( UofL ) vs . University of Nevada Las Vegas ( UNLV ) game on New Year 's Eve . I had a great time , but I realized along the way that the experience was a little different for each of us . . . Adam wanted to rush to our seats to see his favorite part - - when they introduce the players . I am completely focused on reaching the bathroom . I had a baby and now when I gotta go , I gotta go . Adam notices how many Louisville fans are there for the sold out game . I notice how funny the people look who are dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns - - obviously going out after the game . But seriously , wearing heels in bleachers is asking for trouble . Adam is already angry at Louisville who is already behind when we get to our seats . I am THRILLED with our seats - - 5 rows from the floor ! ! I can yell at T - Will and he 'll hear me ! I can see the sweat on Rick Pitino 's face and actually hear him yelling . Adam yells at the refs for totally missing the fact that T - Will got fouled about 3 times on one lay - up . I notice the ref is wearing pants with 4 ( count em . . . 4 ) pleats on EACH SIDE ! Where could you even find pants like that ? Uh , the 80s called . They want their pants back . Adam tries to get up on a chair to wave his arms during UNLVs free throws ( since we were behind the basket ) . I wave my arms like a mad woman to join in , and Adam ( lovingly ) tells me I 'm a dork . Little does he know I considered lifting my shirt up to fake - flash them . . . . cause I had two shirts on underneath . I hope my mom 's not reading this . Adam gets excited by how loud everyone cheers when T - Will raises his arms up to get the crowd going after they take foul shots . I am totally preoccupied by the peculiar woman seated beside me . During each foul shot , she rubs her hands togethe1 : 37 PM |
Sunday DriveRadio8 . 5 " x 11 " pencilA warm box of fresh , Shipley doughnuts in my lap . Musn 't open , though , until we got home . And , even then , I wouldn 't get one as this dozen was destined for Grandpa 's house . We each got one from a sack to eat while we rode around on Sunday afternoon . I sat in the front so that I could listen to the radio . " Would you like to swing on a star , carry moonbeams home in a jar " . My favorite song at that time . I could just imagine being out on a lawn as the stars filled the skies , holding a large fruit jar of moonbeams and lightning bugs . I could even swing on a pointed , golden star , if I wanted to , or slide down a beam from the moon . I hoped I would not be a monkey , in the song , or even a donkey or a pig , as they sang about different animals , who weren 't all in the zoo . Along with popular songs , the speaker on the radio provided us with laughs in " Henry Aldrich " , " Blondie and Dagowood " , " Amos ' n Andy " , and dance music from a rooftop dancefloor . It kept me from wiggling and complaining . I couldn 't see where we were riding , over the dashboard . I could only make out sky and treetops . But , I knew about where we were , just from the treetops . My feet dangled off the seat , beside the heater under the dash . I was scrunched up between two large adults . In this drawing , I 've shown Grandpa driving and Uncle Tom in the passenger seat . I don 't remember riding with Grandpa driving , much . Usually , Uncle Tom would drive the family in his wife 's Chrysler . Or Daddy would drive while Irvin , his brother , was in the Army . Irvin usually drove after the war . In the back seat , there would be Mama , Daddy , Grandma , " Pappy " , ( Uncle Tom 's wife ) , and Daddy 's sister , Thelma - unless she was out with friends or off somewhere teaching . On some occasions , we also had " Toot " and " Honey " , although they often opted for a nap on Sunday afternoon , and then a short drive on their own . Sometimes , we would take two or even three cars , but those cars were large and could carry a lot of people . The grown - ups could even wear their hats insPosted by September Song8 . 5 " x 11 " pencilSaturday night in a dorm room on the campus of a small college , Sam Houston State , in Texas . A night for dates , parties , dancing , celebration of a win of the big football game in the afternoon . There is bustling activity as girls put on their formals for a big dance , anticipating a perfect evening . Others meet their dates in the lobby / dining area . One young man slips his date 's wrap over her shoulders as they leave for a party . There has been much primping , borrowing , changing clothes , asking for opinions and help from other girls as the young women work for the perfect look . They hope that their dates from Texas A & M University will show up in their uniforms , especially if they are seniors and can wear the prized senior boots . But , if they are not in the Corps , or even if they are from the local college , the girls hope that their dates will arrive , dressed up and using their best manners . They hope that they can go where they can show off their dates , as well as their outfits . And , they hope that this date will be the best ever , and something that will be permanent . Spirits are high around the town after a football win , so everyone prepares for the big night with lots of energy . And , then , there are those without dates . There 's casual dress , jeans and a large shirt , shorts , or even a housecoat and slippers around the dorm . Books might be brought out , and some might make a trip to the library , or a few might go with another group of girls , to a movie and out to eat . Those would be the ones who still had money left , and whose boyfriends were too far away to come here and take them out . It might be time to catch up on laundry , cleaning , homework , or a group might get together for a card game . On this Saturday night , late in September , in the 1950s , she sits alone in her dorm room while activity goes on outside of her little world . She has on jeans and a shirt , she is barefoot , and sits at her desk with books on the shelf , unopened . The little 45 record player is ready with some popular selecPosted by Panic ? Anxiety ? Stroke ? Monster ? What Happened ? Image Size : 8 " x 11 " Paper Size : 9 " x 12 " watercolorI had gone to bed a little earlier Saturday night , and got up earlier Sunday morning . A good time to drink coffee , look out the window and watch the morning colors change outside my window , I thought . If I drank coffee . Instead , I fed and watered the cats , changed the litter box , got a Sprite out of the refrigerator , and settled down at my computer . I was going to get my blog done early , for a change . I read my e - mail , glanced at the newspaper , and took a couple of asprins . I thought I would finish my blog early , work on pictures that I started the night before , and be sure to wake up the rest of the family so they could go to church . Suddenly , I felt overwhelmed with illness . Was I going to die ? Wouldn 't anyone come in to check on me ? I felt like one eye shifted to the top of my head , the other one drooped , while my mouth hung open . My nose twisted upward . I leaned into the desk and clutched my arms . My neck seemed to be bulging out on the sides , my whole head distorted . Big , wavey lumps ran up and down my left arm and my body , into my feet and back up again , with smaller lumps going through the right arm . The left arm seemed to hang out and grow large as if it were inflating like a balloon . I gripped the carpet with my toes . I started to cry , but I knew that no one in the house would come to help me , even if they were awake . And there was nothing anyone could do . I couldn 't go to a doctor . I felt really hot , then cold . " Relax . Calm down " . I told myself , but it didn 't help . Maybe I was just upset because I had seen Tammy Faye on tv before she died , then heard of her death . But that was not today , or even yesterday . She was not upset about her situation , and was at peace , so why should I be upset . And , just think , my old friend 's husband died just last week , and I wasn 't that upset then . No , they were both okay and out of pain now . That shouldn 't bother me . The strange feelings got a little better and I walked into the batPosted by Learning Times TablesI Hate Math8 . 5 " x 11 " pencilLast night , I sat with my youngest grandson at the island counter in the kitchen , as we worked on homework . He wasn 't in a good mood and didn 't want to do it . Not even the promise of a chocolate soda or time to play a computer game helped . but , I had him pick out where he wanted to work and we set up a place to work while his mother cooked supper . I added paper and pencil for myself , and sat at the counter with him , intending to draw something or look up a picture of a person that I needed for a drawing . I remember that homework was a lot easier to do , if I had a friendly person with me , in case I needed help . Or , to just know that someone else was working with me . I always remembered any comments later , and that helped me if I needed that information in order to answer a question . I could hear the person telling me what they had said , even years later . He needs to learn his multiplication tables so that he can respond to the teacher , fast . He is somewhat of a perfectionist , and takes his time to do things right , which doesn 't make for very speedy answers , usually . Last year , the teacher told us to use flashcards to learn the mulitiplication tables . To me , that is too random . Mulitiplication is something that needs to be in order , so that you can recall that chart , and just see it when it is needed , then go down that chart in your mind to find the answer . Flash cards , to me , are a game that is okay to reinforce , but you probably couldn 't learn those basic answers with them . We had stacks of dictionaries , notebook paper , pencils and a sharpener , his books , my books spread out on the counter , while his mother had to move to the counter beside the stove to work . We sat on stools and went to work . I gave him some notebook paper , and took a couple of sheets for myself . There is a chart of the mulitiplilcation tables inside a planner that the school gave the students . And , I had one in an old - fashioned composition book that I have had for years . So , this gave something to go Posted by An Angel for LauraGuardian Angel8 " x 10 " oilToday , I 'm going to stray a bit and simply post this painting I did of an angel . I think that a lot of people could use an angel , now , so here is one for Laura , and for everyone who needs one . I realize that she can 't see it on the computer , but the thought is there . I couldn 't send a card . And , what can one do or say at times like these , when someone you know is so ill . All I know to do is to send a little angel on its way , say a prayer , and wish for peace and many blessings . The photo is not as clear as I would like it to be , but this is an image that I had on my computer . The out of focus effect shows up a lot when the picture is enlarged . It looks better small . But , that is just the photo I took , and not the painting itself . I thought that it turned out to be an interesting painting . It has a lot of Indigo Blue and Yellow in it , a strong color combination , and there is quite a bit of texture which was done with a knife . " Guardian Angel " was done as a result of a visualization exercise . Good Journey , in God 's hands , with your own guardian angel . Posted by The Last Day of SummerThe Frog Pond8 . 5 " x 11 " inkThe light has been different the past few days , as the days grow shorter . Tomorrow , it will be officially fall , and , before we know it , we will have the government mandated time changes . ( Just about the time my body gets used to the sun going down earlier ! ) My dad would never change his clocks . He said that the cows didn 't care what time it was . They expected their feed , etc . , on their time , not the government 's . But , he did have to abide by the time changes as he watched the news or other tv programs , went to church , or went downtown to the stores . About the time I get ready to paint , my light is fading , so I just work on my drawing , or turn on several lamps over my drawing table . I don 't have all the nice , new , artificial lighting where I work on my art . I just open the blinds and have a lot of natural light , on the north west side of the house . In today 's post , I am sharing a drawing that I made when I took my grandson to a wonderful swimming pool here . The pool has a giant frog with a slide in it , for the smaller kids to slide into the water through , and a huge floating , happy snake that divides the pool . There are features for older people too , of course , like the high diving boards . When my grandson was in swimming , there was a woman with a floppy hat and sun glasses , and there are always the mothers , urging their little ones to swim toward them . While it is a fun pool , it is definitely a popular city pool with lots of people around . The pool that I really liked was the country club pool where I grew up . It wasn 't so big , and had metal pipes around the sides to hold onto . The water was always cold , which was great in the hot summer . There were wooden benches around the sides and wonderful lattice work that provided shade and even a little windbreak . There was a small bath house on the north side of the pool that had something like wooden flats on the floors so that water would drain off wet swimmers and onto the concrete floor and down a drain . Yellow Jackets seePosted by The Good Eye IIImage size 8 " x 11 " Paper size 9 " x 12 " watercolorsThese were actually two different episodes in July . But , I combined them into one painting , for the sake of composition . As I sat at the computer , there were four small circles of light that appeared at the lower part of my screen . Trails of light sparkled downward . Something like tiny comets of red , yellow , blue , and purple , with a hint of green . I closed the good eye and they went away . When I opened that eye , however , they reappeared . They were only there for a short while , but , again , they reminded me of what I had read previously about a detached retina . Flashing lights . But these were not actually flashing lights . Just sparkling little comets . Another day , at the computer again , I noticed something like floating wheels , some overlapping , across the lower right side of my computer . They appeared to be divided into mostly triangular sections of light . These , too , sparkled , and were happening in the good eye . This one lasted most of the day , but was gone by the next day , and , like the other images I have been seeing since Macular Degeneration and catarcts struck me , it hasn 't reappeared . In my painting , I used Winsor Newton watercolors on 140 pound Arches watercolor paper . For sparkle , I added a bit of silver acrylic . However , it doesn 't appear to show up very well on the monitor . It looks like a bit of gray on my monitor . There is a new feature on the sidebar of my blog . Check it out under BlogRush . You can go to other blogs there . This will change as people post to their blogs , and those are added to the list in the little frame . And , if you have a blog of your own , if you click on the bottom where it says to add your own posts Free , you can go to their website for a short video and more information . You can also set up the BlogRush feature on your own site . By inviting other bloggers , whose blogs will be read by a different group of people , that should increase traffic to your own site . I learned about this from Nancy Standlee on her blog . And I reallyPosted by The Good EyeImage size 8 " x 11 " Paper size 9 " x 12 " watercolorsOne July morning , I was going about my usual routine , and had sat down to work at my computer . Macular Degeneration didn 't seem to interfere with working up close to my computer . No wavey lines or distortion , unless I leaned back in my chair . I had put away the Amsler grid , which was supposed to be checked daily , to see if there were changes . If so , the doctor was to be contacted immediately . That 's all well and good , but the doctor wouldn 't see me anymore , so what was I to do if there were changes . There wasn 't anything to be done , so the only reason to use the chart , or take notice of changes was for my own curiousity . Occasionally , I would cover my good eye and see if there were differences in color or distortion . Just because I wondered what was happening to me , and what was coming next . I tried to busy myself with things that I worried that I might not be able to do anymore . I 'd better read all those books I 've been saving to read , write all those stories I 've been wanting to write , draw and paint all the pictures I 've been wanting to do , identify all the old pictures and write the family story . Also on the to do list was to absorb all the images I can store , while I can still see them . Scenes , movies on tv , faces , poses , light and shadow , colors , etc . I thought that I should try to organize and memorize where the colors are on my paint palettes . While that is a good thing to do , I don 't consciously think of picking up a warm color or a cool color . I know that , theoretically , that is an important way to work . Thinking of color harmonies and color theory can be important . But , working in a more expressionistic way , I usually just paint with what I feel like using . I look at the paint and think , " This one will work here " , or " That one feels right to pick up and I 'll put a little of that there " , and just do it . Theory is in the background and is a foundation for me , but I go more by what I feel like using or what looks like it will work in a certain spoPosted by Cloud Over Me And How Do You Feel Today ? 30 " x 40 " pastel on vellumThis pastel painting is large and is in an expressionistic style . This is one of the assignments that I gave , as the need arose , when I was teaching , and something that has been given in workshops I have attended . When things happened , especially things that would affect students , such as a tragedy in the school or community , or even when I noticed that students seemed to be in need of expressing their feelings in a positive way , I would pull out paper , as large as possible , art supplies that allowed for quite a bit of freedom to work fairly rapidly , and , perhaps , put on music . Often , I taped the large paper on the board and stapled paper to bulletin boards , and all of us worked together . I was there to encourage , provide help , if needed , and give a little guidance . Sometimes , we would just work on " How Do You Feel Today " assignments , when things were good . And , at times , I just allowed a few minutes in class to draw in a sketchbook or on paper , in order to express feelings . These type of assignments worked for both writing and art . There just had to be adjustments for space and materials used . And , it was important to finish in one sitting or class period . It doesn 't work very well to put this sort of work aside to work on later , since things happen and feelings and mood can change between times . Sometimes , it works to get that intitial feeling down , then come back to make a more finished work later . But , usually , it is hard to get that same feeling or energy back . Finishing touches can be added successfully , but it 's hard to sustain that same feeling that the artist started with after some time has passed . It almost seems as if that left brain takes over and says " use this color . use this kind of line , this kind of paint " , etc . while , at the beginning , the right brain says nothing and just guides you to select colors , fill in shapes , and move in the way that would best express that mood . Working tight and small tends to restrict feelings and force the Posted by Where Is The Road Home ? image size 8 " x11 " paper size 9 " x12 " watercolorsIt was June . Time for our school reunion in a nearby town . My sister came to town for the event , and took me to the hall where we visited , had barbeque , looked at old yearbooks , and spent time with old friends - people who were like brothers and sisters after spending so many years together . Once I sat down with my classmates , and were joined by people from the class ahead of us - the class I had started to school with since they were my playmates and neighbors - I tried to stay in one spot . It was hard to get in and out from the table , and getting up and down out of a chair bothered my knees . But , I quickly realized that my eyes were preventing me from seeing who people were away from the table . The only people I got to see were those sitting with me , those who came to visit our table , and people I saw as I was entering and leaving the hall . " Is that . . . . . ? " my friends would ask me . I might see a figure somewhere , but couldn 't tell who it was . " I don 't know . I can 't see them ! " I laughed . I might as well laugh , although it was frustrating . Later , I wished that I had wandered around some , and taken pictures of people . Someone spoke in the center of the room . It was a man , but I couldn 't tell who it was . I did see a few people when I was in line to eat . I was a bit reluctant to get in line , and didn 't really want to eat , as usual . I would have rather just visited . Later , there was a small band and dancing . But , it was like when we were in high school . Girls willing to dance , waiting for someone to ask us to dance , but no one did . The guys hung out together , the girls hung out together . If we danced , we usually had to dance with each other , in the days when we were learning to dance . But , now , we all had marriages behind us , or had husbands who didn 't like to dance , and were back to being " wallflowers " . But , there wasn 't anyone we particularly wanted to dance with anyway . It would have been like having to dance with your brother . And , the guys now had wivesPosted by Graduation sketch 4 " x5 . 5 " pencilApril ended , and we moved to the end of school , working toward graduation activities for my oldest grandson . Such a huge class ! 750 plus . Much more than the school where I had taught . I thought that my whole high school graduation class would fit on the first row of one section , and have seats left over . We had 19 , the biggest class that had graduated in years . But , that was many years ago , in another place . The graduation was held in a large arena , where university graduations and even the circus are held . We had to sit up high , with the band in front of us , and the choir , speakers , administrators , along with all those rows of seniors filling the rest of the floor . Everyone looked tiny to me , but , with my eye problems , it was even worse . They were blurry , distorted , and the colors were different . There was a giant tv screen above the scene , but I couldn 't make it out , either . They were also blurry and distorted . I could tell only that they were showing head and shoulder shots , where , in looking at the scene , we could see tiny figures and objects . I kept asking where my grandson was sitting , or where he might be walking . I never did see him . I clapped when it was appropriate , but I never could see who I was clapping for . That was frustrating . To not be able to see my grandson graduate , after all these years of working toward that goal , and knowing that there were classmates of his who did not make it because of the TAKS test . I was relieved , excited , tearful , at times , and I couldn 't even see him , except before and after the ceremony . I felt like I missed the big moment , when he got that diploma . But , I did get to see it on tv , finally , this week . But only when I stood in front of the set to watch . I knew that the ceremony would be very long , with that many diplomas to hand out . I only knew a few of the other seniors . I didn 't want to cry , but knew that there would be some choking up , at least . So , I packed my purse with Kleenex , along with some paper , folded , and pens and pencils . I waPosted by April Moonriseimage size 8 . 5 " x 11 . 5 " paper size 9 " x 12 " watercolorsIt was April . A night when the moon rose , full and bright , above the tree line in our back yard . The trees had filled out with deep green leaves , concealing the next house . Shadows fell across the small storage building in the back yard . The sky had a pink glow as lights from A & M and the city reflected above the trees . It had been several months since I had been diagnosed with Macular Degeneration in my left eye and told that I had cataracts in both eyes . I had been given one injection in my eye before treatment was suspended due to my lack of insurance and income to pay for it . I had been told there was help , then hopes were dashed when I learned that there really is no help for me . That I will lose my vision . I won 't go totally blind , I 've read , but I will lose my center vision . And that is important to most of the things that I do such as writing , reading , drawing , painting - even cooking , or finding my way home . I had already failed the eye exam in order to renew my license , so there is no more driving . Drawing had become a challenge due to difficulty at connecting lines , or seeing some patterns . Reflections on paper can be a problem . The way I work is changing , but that is not such a major thing . It will be a problem if I can 't focus on something . Color is a bit difficult , at times , as it is hard to distinguish between some colors , such as black and dark blue , olive green and beige . I thought that was just a normal part of aging , but it is also one of the things that point to AMD . I feel like I can adjust to some of those things . But , I had also burned my hand on the oven , when I couldn 't tell how far my hand was from the coils and dropped a bowl of cereal when I couldn 't find the edge of the kitchen counter . Hanging up clothes on a rod in the closet took several tries , as well . If I want to see a program on television , I have to move my chair no more than 2 feet away . Usually , I sit on the couch across the room , and just put up with the distorPosted by Protect and Celebrate8 . 5 " x 11 " ink and watercolorIt was about this time of day . 2001 . I had a sore throat so I called in , early , for a substitute teacher to take my classes at school , and went back to bed . My tv was going , as usual , and I slept . " Wake up and look at the tv ! " my daughter turned on the light in the room . I tried to open my eyes , and look at the small screen . The morning news was on . I 'm not an easy person to wake up . " Look ! They said that a small plane has crashed into one of those skyscrapers in New York , " she told me . " It may have been lost , or gone off course , but it hit way up there . " I sat up in bed , watching a stream of smoke coming from the distant building . " Now , they are saying that they think it might be a bigger plane , " she came back in the room with updates , although I was watching . She went back into her room , with plans to go back to sleep , now that her sons were off to school . I got up and stood in front of the tv set , in order to see better , as a speck in the sky appeared and headed for the second of the twin towers . " Are you watching ! " I shouted into my daughter 's bedroom . " There 's another plane . " The rest of the day was spent , watching the events of that September day unfold on television . In the days that followed , television sets were on , even at school , all tuned to the news . As a journalism and art teacher , I thought that this was important to watch . We wrote about it , we made cards to send , and we did art work as we watched . I felt bad that some people seemed to be apathetic and cold , lacked feelings of patriotism , or even concern for , not only other human beings , but also for our country . I hoped that maybe , inside , they were feeling something , and just thought it best to be unresponsive and go about their business as usual . Most people seemed to be in shock and expressed disbelief at what was happening . I was involved with watching , as one after another events occured . I didn 't think of doing art work or writing myself . I watched and directed others , encouraged them to express themsePosted by I 'm delighted that you stopped by for a visit . I hope that you will enjoy my art work and my stories , and that something you see will touch you . If you are interested in purchasing my art work , please contact me at Czs _ Izs03 @ yahoo . com . I hope that you will join my group and receive a daily piece of art in your mailbox to enjoy . Thank you , and come by again . About Me I am a Texas artist working in a variety of media . My style is basically expressionistic with somewhat of a cartoon style , at times . I tend to work large , but am currently working smaller , from my home . I hope to share some of my memories , experiences , stories , and thoughts through this blog including my journey through Macular Degeneration as seen through an artist 's eyes . I hope that you will join my group , and let me know if you are interested in purchasing my work . Maybe something that I post will touch you and bring out a shared memory , experience , or even a laugh or two . |
" We are the world " was playing from a teenage boy 's cell phone . Local Ghanaian music was blasting from the speakers . The guests were dressed in red and black , traditional funeral colors here in Ghana . We were secluded from the rest of the funeral guests , sitting under a canopy as one of the family members introduced the other family members and important guests . As Alex was extremely busy with stuff at the orphanage , Roland , one of Alex and Raymond 's brothers traveled to Ho with me for Jennifer 's funeral . Funerals don 't always occur so quickly after a death here in Ghana so I felt lucky that Jennifer 's was taking place so quickly after her death . I felt this way selfishly as I knew that attending her funeral would bring me some closure . As the man was talking , the guest sitting to my right whispered that he was talking about me . I was told to stand up as John , the father of the family further introduced me and told the family members how this white girl , the only white person of the hundreds of funeral attendees was associated with their family . As he talked in Ewe , I couldn 't understand most of what he said , but it really didn 't matter . I understood when he introduced me as Nicole Pampanin and then proceeded to tell everyone that I am also Nicole Dogbey , part of their family . I was then told that they wanted me to come and see the corpse . I had been doing pretty well until then and suddenly burst into tears . Prior to arriving at this compound where all the guests were gathered , we went to Klepe , the village where the family lives . As we arrived in Klepe , I noticed huge groups of people on the side of the road dressed in black and red . The children were dressed in their green school uniforms and had red scarves and cloths tied around themselves . We were in a pick up truck and went to pick up some of the guests so that they didn 't have to walk . The scene was overwhelming . I had attended funerals in Ghana before but this one was different because I actually knew the person who died . It meant so much more to see all the people standing out there , dressed in black and red and it touched my heart to see that so many people cared about Jennifer and were mourning her loss . One of the things I have learned in Africa is that if something happens , whether good or bad , positive or negative , it affects the whole community . When a marriage occurs , the community celebrates together and when a death occurs , the community mourns together . When I was told that I was to go and see the corpse , I turned to Roland and asked him if the casket would be open or closed . He told me that he was not sure as this practice varies from family to family . I was nervous , scared that the casket would be open . I was hesitant to go into the room where the casket was but I was pulled in regardless . Once again , I burst into tears . The casket was open . Jennifer was lying there , dressed in a beautiful dress . I turned away after about two seconds . I couldn 't look at her . It was real . Seeing her body laying there in the casket made it real . Being in Hohoe , while Jennifer 's family was in Ho made it difficult for me to really comprehend Jennifer 's death . I cried when I heard the news of her death but I was alone . I had support here in Hohoe and from home , but no one else knew Jennifer . It was something that really only affected me . Therefore , it didn 't really seem real . I didn 't see anyone else crying over her death , I was distant and it made it easier for me to pretend that it wasn 't really real . Even as Roland and I traveled to Ho on Friday morning , I was still hoping that I would arrive and be told that it was all a joke . Seeing all the people in Klepe mourning Jennifer 's death began to make it more real but it wasn 't until I saw her corpse that it became reality . It finally clicked . There was no turning back . Jennifer 's death was real and I just couldn 't handle it . I turned and was hugged by Peace and Dela , two of Jennifer 's siblings . They walked me out of the room as I cried my eyes out . I was walked back to my seat and just sat there , unable to think , move , or do anything . I watched Jennifer 's biological parents , whom I had never met before as they cried and wished that I could just give them a huge hug and wipe their tears . I don 't remember what happened next . I was in such a daze . I tried to be present but it was so difficult when all I could do was think about the fact that Jennifer , the bright , somewhat quiet but funny girl whom I had gotten to know and love over the past few years was gone . I thought of her as one of my sisters . And now she would no longer be there when I came to visit , I would no longer be able to talk to her on the phone , or play Uno with her and share laughs with her . I thought about the fact that I was so lucky that I had never before had to attend the funeral of a child because I did not know any children who had died ( besides Nyanuie , the child from Christ Orphanage who died last year while I was in East Africa ) and hoped that this would be the last funeral of a child that I would have to attend . But with doing work in Ghana and knowing so many children and people here , I have to be realistic and realize that however sad it may be , I might be living in a dream world to think this way . Peace and Roland sat with me . Peace put her arms around me . And I put my arms around her . I knew that I needed her love and support just as much as she needed mine . I felt sad for Jennifer 's parents , for John and Annie who had cared for Jennifer for longer than I had known her , and for her other friends and family members , but I felt the most pain for Peace . Peace is 17 years old and is the other teenage girl in my adopted family . Although Peace and Jennifer were not biological sisters , they were ' sisters . ' They grew up together , lived together , played together , and loved each other 's company . Although Peace was staying strong , I knew that it must have been very difficult for her , something that became very evident at the gravesite . I was escorted to the pick up truck and told to get inside as about 20 men jumped into the back . The men sang in the back as we drove to the cemetery . The weight of all the men began to take a toll on the vehicle . We eventually had to stop at a gas station and put more air in the tires but that did not fix the squeaking and other noises that the vehicle was making . We arrived at the cemetery and had to walk past a number of graves to get to the gravesite . As we were walking , we witnessed a fight which had broken out between some of the family members . Apparently one of the men was upset that he did not get to help carry the casket from the truck to the gravesite and decided to make a scene . I know that he wanted to be a part because he loved Jennifer but it saddened me that they were fighting and making such a big scene at her funeral , at the gravesite . The casket was laid on top of the burial plot as some words were spoken in Ewe . Amidst my crying , I tried to comfort Forgive and Peace who were also crying . The casket was lowered into the grave and the tears escaladed . If seeing the corpse didn 't make it real enough , this did . And the thumps as the dirt was thrown on top of the casket made it even more real . She was gone . She was really gone . I was a mess . Hearing the dirt pound on the casket killed me inside . I was pulled away and taken back to the pick up truck . The men were already crowded in the back of the truck and I was seated inside . The ride back to the family 's home in Klepe was quieter than the ride to the cemetery although there was some singing . We arrived at the family 's house in Klepe . The compound had been rearranged to accompany three large tents and dozens of plastic chairs . The elders who could not attend the actual funeral were present and the events of the funeral were described to them in Ewe . Melody and Richmond were both there and I just held them when they came and sat with me . Alcohol was served and some other proceedings that I did not follow took place . When there was a break in the proceedings , I talked to John to try to fully understand how Jennifer died . I was confused and had questions that I wanted answered . As I knew , Jennifer was taken to the hospital on Sunday night . She was given an IV and died when receiving the third bag of medication . She had been to the hospital earlier that week and received medication for the malaria but apparently she was very stubborn about taking medication and had to be forced to take it . I am not sure if she actually ended up taking the medication as she was supposed to or if that is the reason she ended up getting worse and had to go back to the hospital . No one seems to be very sure . However , they know that Jennifer began loosing a lot of blood during the IV and became anemic . Apparently it is very easy to get blood from the blood bank ( something that Jennifer 's parents investigated after her death ) but the doctor was upset with his nurses and did not order the blood . It is due to this that Jennifer ended up dying . Hearing this made me upset . How could the doctor neglect to do something as simple as order some blood for this young girl ? This blood would have saved her life . I turned to Roland and asked if anything would happen to the doctor due to his negligence in this case . He just shook his head and asked if anything would happen to the doctor if this happened in America . I couldn 't believe that the doctor would be able to continue practicing medicine as if nothing had happened , as if he was not at all responsible for this death , as if he had no role in Jennifer 's death . I know there is a lack of doctors here in Ghana but this was upsetting . I wished there was something I could do , but I know that I can 't fix everything . I can try my best to make an impact here but there is only so much one person can do . Jennifer 's death inspires me to keep working hard and serving the community here in Wegbe . I know that my presence here brings joy and hope to the locals and right now , that is all I can do . I will do my best to continue making their lives a bit brighter with my presence , help to provide food , education , and healthcare to their children at Christ Orphanage , and work even harder to keep raising funds back home so that we are able to continue providing for these children . They are the future of this country . They are the hope of Wegbe , Ghana . It 's Tuesday evening and I am sitting outside enjoying the sounds and smells of the village . The young kids quickly figure out that my face is lit up due to my computer screen and come over to check it out . Essie , one of Raymond and Alex 's cousins is preparing my dinner , potatoes . We quickly ran out of the potatoes we bought in Accra when I first arrived , so , I sent Godwin with some money when he went to pick up Brother Mark yesterday so that I could stock up . As the people like sweet potatoes , yams , and cassava , potatoes are not really a part of their diet and as a result , they are practically impossible to find in Hohoe . However , potatoes and rice are what basically make up my diet here so I am very happy to have more potatoes . Essie is only 22 , her birthday was just a few days ago , yet , she does practically everything for me . She buys and cooks my food , sweeps my room , washes and irons my clothes , makes me traditional clothing , and heats my water . I don 't like having to be so dependent on another person to do what seems like such basic things for me , but I have to admit , she is truly amazing and she makes my life here a lot easier and more manageable . The kids run around the compound , attempting to avoid the laundry that is hanging from the lines . Essie puts the coals on the fire . I listen to the conversations that are taking place in Ewe but although I am trying to learn the language , I don 't even recognize a single word . The older kids are playing jenga . I taught them the game a few days ago and now they come to me asking to play it . When the get tired of playing jenga , they use the blocks and build houses , using the extra pieces as people . My legs itch . I try not to scratch the millions of mosquito bites that cover them but it 's so difficult . I truly don 't understand how I have gotten so many bites and how they manage to multiply every single day . It truly amazes me . I received a phone call this evening . The arrangements for Jennifer 's funeral have been set . Just hearing these words shocks me . I still can 't believe that she is no longer alive . It is too difficult for me to truly comprehend . I will be traveling to Ho on Friday morning to attend the funeral . As this funeral is for a child , it is not as long and intensive as the 3 day funerals that are usually held for adults . As tears run down my face , Alex tells me how in Africa , things are different than in the Western world and death among children is much more of a reality . The sound of his words bothers me . The fact that they are so used to the idea of children dying bothers me . It is not fair . It shouldn 't be that way . On Saturday , I boarded a tro tro headed to Ho to visit my adopted family there . Forgive , Melody and Richmond 's mother had moved to Accra a few months ago with Richmond , but upon hearing of my visit , they traveled to Ho . They arrived shortly after I arrived on Saturday and Richmond was warmly greeted by everyone . It was the first time he had been back to Ho in quite awhile and all the kids and adults had missed his presence in Ho so much . I was quite happy to see him as well as he was the baby that I fell in love with and spent most of my waking hours with during my first trip to Ghana . I spent the day with my family ; talking , playing , and showing them the photo album that I brought for them full of photos from last year . The photo album was quite a hit and was passed around as friends and family members arrived at the compound throughout the day . That photo album must have been flipped through at least 50 times just during the few hours I was there . Genevieve , also known as Jennifer , the 13 year old girl in my family was laying on a bench in the family 's compound . Her eyes were very puffy and this reserved girl who usually enjoys my presence did not say a word to me . I asked what was wrong with her and was told that she had malaria . I enquired as to whether she was being treated and was told that she had been taken to the hospital and given medication . She spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping but as I know from experience , that is pretty normal for someone who has malaria . Although she was quite sick , she was being treated , so I didn 't think much more about it . She was asleep when I left that afternoon so I left without saying good bye , assuming that she would be better the next time I visited . On Monday morning , I headed over to the school . The children were singing and praying , dancing and drumming . The children went to class and I taught a math lesson to Class 1 before Alex came to get me as we planned on going to town to run some errands . We walked to the house where , I took my phone out of my bag and noticed an unread text message . It read as follows : " Nic , good morning . Sorry to inform you that Genevieve is dead . Call you later " . Thankfully I was on my bed as I just collapsed . I immediately called John , the father of the family because I was in shock . I had just seen Jennifer two days ago , how could she now be dead ? She was just a child , how could she now be dead ? She had malaria , a treatable disease , how could she now be dead ? John told me that Jennifer 's condition had worsened on Sunday night . He told me that she was taken to the hospital and then died early Monday morning . I told him I was so sorry and he told me that he would alert me when the funeral arrangements had been made . After I hung up the phone , I laid on my bed , crying . It just didn 't make sense in my head . I know that death is a natural process but Jennifer 's death seemed so preventable . I cried for Jennifer , I cried for Jennifer 's family , I cried for the other children across Africa and the southern hemisphere who die every day due to a lack of good medical care , and I cried because I wished there was something I could have done to prevent her death . I will keep you updated and let you know when details arise regarding the funeral . Thank you to those of you who have already sent your prayers and kind wishes . It means a lot to me . After this second shower , I usually hang out outside with the local kids , many of whom attend Christ Orphanage . They love seeing me outside of school and the more personalized attention I can give them since there are not a hundred other children yearning for attention at the same time . Instead , there are only between 2 - 15 other children , which I have to admit is still a lot ! This evening , I was at the neighbor 's compound , playing with about 10 children , having a good time . All of the sudden , I heard a girl screaming and witnessed a woman beating the 12 year old girl who lives with her . I am not sure what their relation is but I know that they are related in some fashion . The woman beat the girl with the flat side of a machete as the girl screamed in agony . It killed me . No one got up . No one did anything . Everyone just turned and watched as the girl screamed and tried to run away . What killed me even more was the fact that I felt that if I did or said anything , it would just make things worse and possibly result in another beating of the girl . I felt so helpless and wished that I could have done something . About a half hour later , when the girl had stopped crying and screaming , she came over and sat by me . I asked her why she was beaten but she refused to tell me . It saddens me that it was probably over something so small , something that doesn 't really even matter in the long run . I left the kids for awhile to return home and eat my dinner before returning to play with them for a little longer . As it was dark and getting late , I told them that I would see them tomorrow and returned home to go to sleep . As much as I tried , I couldn 't get this incident out of my head . It breaks my heart to even think about it . Maybe it is ethnocentric of me to think this way . I realize that in America , parents used to beat their children too . But although we have become developed in America and now categorize such behavior as ' child abuse , ' they have not yet gotten to that point in Africa . Back home it is a miracle if I am out of bed by 10am . It is currently 6 : 46 am and I have already been awake for 46 minutes . I know , this is something that is unheard of for me ! Maybe its because I am more excited to get up and start my day when I am here , maybe it is because I go to bed at a more decent hour , maybe it is a combination of both of these things , but whatever it is , I somehow happily wake up at the crack of dawn when in Ghana . I wake up to the sound of my fan billowing from the ceiling , the cries of babies as they are bathed , the sound of people talking , the sound of roosters signaling the beginning of the day and the sound of goats crying out for their kids . Over time , these have become such comforting sounds . The first question the kids at Christ Orphanage asked me when I returned to the orphanage about a week ago was where my elephant was . Since returning home from Ghana in December , I had replaced my elephant necklace with a necklace I had purchased in East Africa . The new necklace is of Africa with a small elephant on it . Even though this new necklace has an elephant on it , it is not the same as the previous necklace that all the kids had grown used to and remembered me wearing every day . I couldn 't believe that the kids remembered what my old necklace looked like and asked about it . And it wasn 't only one or two of the kids that asked about it but a great number of them inquired about it . They now come up to me and point to my necklace , " Africa AND elephant . " Maybe its one of those things you have to be there to understand . This past weekend , I stayed in Wegbe as I love being here ( and because I feel like I have been to most of the tourist places in Ghana and because I do not feel like I am a tourist when I am here ) . Saturday was spent getting some work done and resting from the week 's activities . On Sunday , we followed the sounds of singing til we reached the church ( which is across the street ) . The children , including a number of Christ children , were ecstatic that I was at their church . They would stare at me and wait until I made eye contact with them . At that point , they would laugh and turn away . It was somewhat like peek - a - boo but across a large distance in a church , and played with more than just one child . As the service went on , children came and sat with me . One young girl whom I don 't even know came and sat between Alex and I . She proceeded to lay her head in my lap and sleep for most of the remainder of the service . Other children came to sit with me and wouldn 't stop talking so it became my task to quiet them as the pastor was giving his sermon . This task was not quite as easy as it may sound . Following lunch , Alex and I as well as a number of other family members went to visit the home of a cousin who had just given birth to a baby the previous week . It is tradition to keep the baby inside for the first week of life so this was the baby 's outdooring ceremony , meaning it was the first time the baby would be brought outside . The baby was fetched from its bed and somehow immediately ended up in my arms . The baby , so small and light in color just slept in my arms as the family chatted in Ewe . Of course I was in heaven and had absolutely no issue with holding the newborn until I was forced to give him up . Later that day , I was taken to a birthday party in Wegbe for a girl who was turning 14 years old . I did not know the girl , but her and her family were happy to have me there . They were so happy to have me there that they brought me a cold drink and biscuits which I was instructed to finish before getting up to dance . I danced for hours with the other guests and kids , some of which I knew from Christ and from around the neighborhood . At one point , the mother of the birthday girl even brought out a beautiful fabric which she wrapped around me . Then , I was instructed to stand with family members and be part of practically all of the ' professional ' photos that were taken . They were so excited to have me in their pictures yet they didn 't even know me . After a few hours of dancing and taking tons of photos , I returned home to help prepare dinner and get some much needed rest . It is now only Tuesday , but this week has been very productive thus far . I have been working on taking new photos of all the children at Christ for the website and collecting data for my research . Hopefully the rest of the week will continue to be as productive . Although I have to do my research and a ton of stuff at the orphanage during this trip , my number one goal was not to get sick . Last year 's malaria and typhoid was enough sickness for me for quite awhile so I have been doing everything possible to avoid getting sick this year . It is only day 4 and that plan has already failed . Granted I only have a cold , the fact of the matter is that I am sick and I didn 't want to get sick . I have already been to the pharmacy and have begun some medicine and will hopefully be fully recovered very soon . After arriving in Wegbe on Saturday evening and briefly visiting a few friends , it was time for bed . If it wasn 't for the fact that it was dark outside and everyone was already asleep , I would have walked around the village right then to visit my kids . But , instead , I saved that for the next morning when I awoke at 4am . I waited til 5am to actually get out of bed and leave the house before walking around the village and causing chaos . I tried to quiet the kids and other people who saw me and started to scream but it wasn 't as easy as it may sound . By this point , I had a whole group of kids following me and mimicking my every move . I think it is fair to say that they were beyond excited to have me back in their village . The village became quiet as people started heading to church . I opted to stay home and use the time to unpack my belongings . Two of my favorite girls came over and quickly discovered that much to their asking , I had brought some story books for them to read . They were definitely a hit and kept them occupied while I continued to unpack . On Monday morning , I finally got to see the rest of my kids whom I had yet to see . As I approached the orphanage , the chanting began . Seesta Nicole . Seesta Nicole . Seesta Nicole . A huge grin came across my face as I was greeted by the children and their open arms . They ran to hug me and stare in astonishment although I think that by now they are used to the fact that I am one of the volunteers who actually will come back when they say that they will . I quickly became a human jungle gym once again as the kids jumped all over me , tried to get into my pockets , began playing with my hair , and tried to climb onto my back . Nothing had changed . I was beyond excited to be back . The children were soon escorted inside and began their devotion . It warmed my heart to hear those voices sing the familiar songs that I had not heard in seven months . They then expressed their gratitude to me and told me how joyous this day was because I had returned . I spent the rest of the day observing the various classes , impressed at how far the children had come since I left . In particular , I was very impressed with the level of mathematics that the oldest two classes were doing . After eating lunch , I went into town to run some errands . Our stop at the bank took forever as a huge group of CCS volunteers had arrived at the bank just a minute or two earlier and made the line very long . It began pouring but we continued our errands which included making copies of the questionnaires and other forms for my study and buying water . Of course , I couldn 't visit Hohoe without visiting my friend and seamstress , Beatrice , so we stopped by her shop before returning home . After a tiring , long day of traveling from Los Angeles to Washington D . C . to Accra , I finally arrived in Ghana . Although I had been traveling for many hours , it didn 't hit me til I was waiting for my flight from D . C . to Accra that I was actually going back . As I had been looking forward to this trip so much , it just seemed like a dream that would always be in the future . As much as it felt like a dream , I am so happy that this trip is no longer in the future and that I am finally here ! On my flight from D . C . to Accra , I met a 30 something year old woman and her adorable baby . I know , I know , nothing out of the ordinary . The mother was going to Ghana to visit her family for the first time since she gave birth to her 10 month old son , Wisdom . I told the mother that I would be more than willing to hold her baby on the plane if she got tired or needed to sleep or anything . As our flight was only about 65 % full , she moved closer to me , which meant that I got to play with him when he was awake which helped make the super long flight a bit more fun . When we arrived in Ghana , I couldn 't contain my excitement anymore . I knew that it would be hot and humid the minute I stepped off the airplane but I wanted nothing more to get off that plane . After gathering my bags , I was met by my welcoming party : Alex , Raymond , Wisdom , and a few other family members as well as the driver . We traveled about 30 minutes , through lots of Accra traffic to meet Alex 's mother 's at her house . After meeting her and spending some time with her , we travelled another 30 minutes through lots of traffic to Alex and Raymond 's uncle 's house . It has become like a tradition now that we visit him and his family every time we are in Accra so of course , we had to go and visit them upon my arrival . Sammy , Alex and Raymond 's nephew was excited to see me and even more excited about the photos that I brought of him from my last visit . He loved them so much that he held onto them and just looked at them for most of the time I was there . We were served lunch and then got back in the tro tro and began out long 4 hour journey to Wegbe . As it became dark , I became sad that I would not be able to see my children until the following day . However , when we arrived in Wegbe , out neighbors , Yaira and her family were still awake and I just had to go over there and say hello . They did not know that I would be returning on this day and were so excited to see me that you could hear their screams from down the road . They ran to me and hugged me and were in amazement that I was back . After getting over their initial shock , they inquired as to where Sister Melissa was and when she would be coming . They were not very happy to hear that she would not be coming this time but I assured them that she would be back one day soon . |
My neighbor , Miss D died last night . She had a stroke at home a few days earlier . Her home aide and nephew were with her . I am so grateful this did not happen to her when she was all alone two years ago living with dementia . Life can really change in an instant . Mine changed the beginning of this year as my husband and I became caregivers for my 91 year - old mother - in - law also with dementia . We sublet our apartment and moved in with mom , to keep her in the home she knew , for as long as possible . This meant I would not see Miss D regularly as I did every week . Now the visits were only two days a month when we were back in the city on our days off when other family could care for mom . Miss D was our biggest supporter for the decision my husband and I made . She missed me not visiting and wished we could move mom into the city and live in our apartment . I told her when our allowed sublet is up in two years we will . Miss D has settled into a routine after her return home three months ago . I wish I could say she is really happy , but living with dementia doesn 't get better now that she 's home - in some ways , she 's more lonely . She 's confused with the different home care aides that come and go . Fortunately she does have 2 consistent aides who care for her these days . I really like one and the other one I don 't . As her neighbor who 's been so involved with her the past few years , it 's all about showing up and just being there for Miss D in ways she needs someone to be . A few other neighbors and I planned such a night for Miss D last week . We 're calling it our Friday Night Facials . All of us live in the same apartment building and have known Miss D for over 30 years - before and after her dementia took hold . We have some history , especially with the landlord . Oh , yes , avocado and olive oil are great for your skin . But , if your skin is oily , don 't do it . Don 't put any around or under your eyes . . and don 't talk when the facial is on , it will stretch your face and create wrinkles . We were in the presence of a master of the natural facial . All of us " girls " noticed how beautiful Miss D 's skin was as she aged . We wanted to know her secrets before she forgot them . It 's funny , you think a night like this is so special for Miss D , but it was for all neighbors and Miss D 's aide . . . the one I really like ! Miss D and I danced together in her living room the other weekend to Carlos Pizarro . Miss D was happy in that moment . She showed me how she placed her hand behind a man 's neck when she danced with him and said . . . Last week , Miss D 's nephew moved into her apartment . He wants to help his Ma - she raised him from age two after his parents dropped him and his baby brother at Miss D 's apartment and never returned . The guardian group and the home care agency approved , knowing it will be best for Miss D if family is involved - especially during the sundowning episodes at night when Miss D has difficulty accepting the home care aide in her apartment . I agree , too . It is time for a responsible family member to step in and be there for Miss D . I am hopeful that the nephew will be that person . I 'm beginning to question if Miss D will make it at home . She was diagnosed with Senile Dementia last year after Adult Protective Services found her unsafe to live alone and removed her from her home . I looked up this diagnose and found one description fit Miss D to a T . These symptoms have magnified with her return home . She is not adjusting well with the help in her home . In the middle of the night she roams her apartment unable to sleep , moves furniture and performs endless cycles of cleaning until she flicks on the light switch in the aide 's room and all # @ ! ! breaks loose . The aides have reported episodes of hitting by Miss D . She has already lost two caregivers not willing to come back . Only one aide will return and deal with Miss D 's dementia . I originally thought this aide was too feisty for Miss D , but perhaps she is the type of caretaker Miss D needs now . I 've been called to come down late at night and calm Miss D . Clearly this pattern can not continue , everyone needs to sleep . A year ago today was Miss D 's court hearing to decide if she was an incapacitated person and required a legal guardian . The judge ruled she was incapacitated and set in motion the process for her safe return home . Today also marks 2 weeks since Miss D returned home . Her short - term memory effected by dementia has wiped it out . Some people may think it 's good she has no memory of what happened to her , why tell her . Miss D is a very perceptive person and sharp . She knows her life is changing and wants to make sense of it . When she asks me , I tell her . Some of it she figures out on her own . I 'm putting together a photo book with captions for Miss D . She responds better when we discuss it through pictures . She sees herself in good spirits with people around her she cared about and who cared about her . Now she will place a face to the people we talk about from her best friend , Miss T , the secured location social worker , nurses , aides , to her guardian case manager and her new aide going home . Along with photos of my visits , I plan on including photos from the nephew of Miss D 's birthday party with him , the granddaughter and her children . Photos were taken by a wonderful photographer at the secured location of Miss D and me . I am so grateful to have them - I can see the love Miss D and I have for each other in those photos . I don 't share these photos on my blog for Miss D 's privacy - this is still an ongoing elder abuse case . I hope the case will be prosecuted one day for the son 's financial exploitation and neglect of his mother . For now , the case sits in the DA 's office waiting for evidence the legal guardian will soon have of the exploitation . Miss D 's nephew and granddaughter came separately for visits over the weekend . It 's wonderful to have good family members return into her life . It was the first time I let myself be truly happy . A huge weight of responsibility was lifting from me - I never knew how heavy it was until a phone conversation with the nephew . I was driving off the highway and saw this woman crossing the street . She was smiling and she looked like Ma walking out of the park with another lady . It was Ma ! I stopped and got out of the car . " Ma , it 's me ! " It felt so good to see her enjoying herself outside . I could hear in the nephew 's voice , he was moved by this experience . It made me emotional as I pictured Miss D 's face without the anxiety I saw every week for over a year when she asked me , " When are you taking me home . " I knew the nephew experienced this , too with Miss D and he stopped going to see her at her secured location . It felt strange to be connecting with the nephew who disappeared from Miss D 's life for over 10 years . I like him , though , his heart is in the right place . The granddaughter is a harder read . Although , she was pleasant with me this past week and thanked me for cleaning Miss D 's apartment , there is an underlying tension of mistrust . It goes both ways . I 'm feeling more like she 's saying to me , " You can go now . " This weekend I discovered how connected our dementia community is on WordPress and beyond . I was nominated for a Very Inspiring Blogger Award by two exceptional bloggers I follow about life with a loved one with Alzheimer 's and Dementia , Frangipani and Demented . What I especially love about our community , is how global we are . Frangipani is from Singapore and Demented Girl is a poet from the UK . Thank you for your nomination . Elder Abuse is a really tough topic to talk about . Many people don 't know what it is or how it relates to their life . It can , especially when dealing with dementia - the most vulnerable victims of Elder Abuse . This is the reason I started my blog - to tell a true story of an elder abuse victim with the hope of a good outcome on the other side . It happened this past week for my neighbor , Miss D . She came back home with 24 - hour home care after Adult Protective Services called 911 and removed her 443 days earlier . Help from many professional groups in New York City from a politician to an elder abuse shelter and a legal guardian came through to protect her . I have been her personal advocate . As Our Parents Age - Marti Westin is a teacher for all ages . She is tech savvy and shares really interesting ideas on her other blog , Media ! Tech ! Parenting ! Miss D is calming down . She was more engaged with her aide this morning - she showered and dressed for a stroll in the park and a King Cone . The aide is finding positive ways to ease the difficult questions Miss D is asking . Yesterday Miss D 's nephew and granddaughter came for a visit . I will continue to hope the two will return into Miss D 's life and embrace this new ma and abuela . Miss D raised both , they are her family . This afternoon Miss D was sitting on her little stool by the window looking down on the street . The aide told me last night she woke up and searched the apartment for Miss D . Alarmed , the aide called out for her . She heard Miss D 's voice , but couldn 't find her . There she was hidden behind her jungle of plants and sitting on that favorite stool . It 's funny , that was the last thing my husband fixed for Miss D 's return . He lovingly scraped , cleaned and painted that window sill knowing she would sit there everyday and look out . I 'd like to thank a fellow blogger , Joy Johnston from The Memories Project for welcoming Miss D home with a gift of the book , Chicken Soup for the Soul : Living with Alzheimer 's & Other Dementias . Joy has a written piece in this collection called " French Toast " about her father . Miss D loves humor and Joy 's story has a nice touch of humor in it . I was told by my agency to call 911 and send Miss D back to the hospital if she doesn 't settle down . I told the aide , I 'll be right down . Please don 't call 911 . I was expecting Miss D to forget she returned home that day after spending the year away . For her , she 'd never left her apartment and there was a strange woman in her home . I just didn 't expect to see her so angry . Who are you ? No one told me someone was going to live with me . Don 't get me wrong , she 's very nice , but someone should have told me . I could hear in the aide 's voice , she did not have the patience for dementia like you hope an aide will have for a loved one . She was using the phrase , " I told you " when Miss D asked her questions . It only got her more upset . With Miss D 's dementia , she 's not going to remember they 'd already had that conversation . It was almost midnight and the aide wanted to go to bed . I took Miss D to her bedroom to calm her down and distract her from this situation , at least for the night . When Miss D was tired , she said I could go . I told Miss D I will let myself out , I have keys . Miss D preferred to walk me to the door and she locked the door behind me . The next morning I get a call from Miss D 's guardian group , the aide is threatening to call 911 again because Miss D will not eat breakfast or take her pills . They asked me to go down , get some food and the pills in Miss D and smooth things over . After all we 've done to prepare for Miss D 's return home , it seemed strange how calling 911 would be so quickly an answer for the aide instead of knowing how to handle a situation . I was concerned this was not the proper aide for Miss D . The aides at her secured location this past year , loved her dearly and they got along . . . Leaving the secured location was very emotional for Miss D . She was gracious to the staff , the parting of Miss D and her friend , Miss T made all of us cry . As Miss D waited with her new home aide for the transfer van , the guardian and I left in a separate car with her belongings . Anticipation built as the van turned the corner on our street . Fireworks exploded when Miss D stepped out of the van at her apartment entrance - she kissed the building . Too nervous to use her keys , she asked me to open the doors . She checked her mailbox , we entered the elevator and exited on her floor . A girlish joy overwhelmed Miss D when she saw the Welcome Home balloon hanging on her door knob . She inspected every room of her apartment with over 50 years of memories , happy to be back home . There was a lot of activity with deliveries of home care supplies , the nurse setting up the meds , the guardian signing papers and the nephew came for a few hours . By late afternoon , it was just Miss D , her new aide and me sitting in her living room . Miss D was back in her apartment with no memory she was removed after a 911 call by Adult Protective Services over 15 months ago . I left happy and ready for Miss D and her live - in aide to get to know each other . I returned in the evening with a few breakfast items to find Miss D had unplugged all TV electronics , the cable wasn 't working . She was rearranging everything - which was her pattern when she was home . I sat with Miss D so the aide could take her shower and returned home around 9PM . It 's hard to believe , but Miss D will go home to her apartment in 2 weeks . The social worker , nurses and aides at her secured location can now tell her a date she will go home . It 's relieved a lot of anxiety for Miss D when she asks daily , " When are you sending me home ? " Two weeks sounds like a long time for her . With her dementia , she does not remember she has been away from home for over 15 months or her son stole her money or she was neglected by her own family . Miss D and I visited yesterday at her secured location . We 've started having new conversations about her past - her touch with God at an early age and which of her sons has big feet . With each passing day I grow closer to Miss D and tell her we 're like family . She corrects me and says , " We are family . " For most elderly people , they say there is no place like home . Miss D is extremely lucky to have this opportunity for 24 - hour home care . I 'm optimistic this will be a success story as Miss D falls into a routine moving forward with live - in home care aides . I arrived for a visit with Miss D earlier this month and found her sick in bed with pneumonia and an IV in her arm . She has been so healthy and strong at her secured location . This also happened to be the day a nurse from a new home care agency was coming to meet her and make an assessment . I was concerned it would not go well again . Miss D has a natural way of connecting with people . She is charming , respectful and always leaves you with a laugh - that is if she 's not focused on going home . She was engaging and delightful with the home care nurse . The social worker from the secured location joined us in Miss D 's room and the nurse explained it 's possible they could start July 1st ! An in - home assessment with Miss D 's guardian and the home care agency was scheduled the following week . My husband and I joined them in Miss D 's apartment and we discussed what needed to be fixed and ready for Miss D to come home . She will have 24 - hour home care because of her dementia . It 's not easy to get . We tried for my mother - in - law who has Alzheimer 's recently and she did not qualify for 24 - hour home care . I believe , spiritual forces are at work for Miss D , keeping her safe and giving her the quality of care she deserves and needs . The guardian group of Miss D is still marshalling the assets with her bank . They do not yet have access to her money to pay the back rent in full , although they are very close . As I 've discovered going through the guardianship process with Miss D , it takes enormous amounts of time . Miss D is extremely disappointed she now has to wait another month to come home , but she understands the reason . . . Finding the right home care agency will not be an easy task . I attended a meeting with a possible agency last week at Miss D 's secured location and it did not go well . In fact , I was angry . The home care nurse concluded after her assessment of Miss D , that she should not be allowed to return to the community . She told us a family member had abused Miss D , she may wander outside the apartment and she has behavior issues . She has no responsible family member to live with her and take care of her . Agency aides are not a substitute for caring family members , something may happen and she did not want her agency liable . As the home care nurse was speaking , I was thinking " Who is this woman talking about ? Miss D is afraid of getting lost and sticks close to home . The behavior problems are minor like forgetting she ate and saying she is still hungry . I 've never seen Miss D violent toward anyone . You can make her belly laugh in a minute . " The home care nurse talked as if she knew what was best for Miss D and as far as she was concerned she didn 't want to have a missing person on her head for 19 days like a previous client she had . Well , I agree with her . Her agency is not the home care group I would want for Miss D . Miss D was not at this meeting by request of the home care nurse . We wanted her there , it 's her right , but I know it would have been difficult for Miss D to listen and not be upset . I 've become quite close with and respect the social worker at Miss D 's secured location . I know she wants Miss D to have the opportunity to go home as much as I do . I 'm getting acquainted with Miss D 's new guardian case manager and she will work hard to find the right home care agency for Miss D . After the meeting , the three of us picked up Miss D and took her down to the café for an ice cream cone . Miss D charmed her guardian case manager in their first face - to - face meeting that day . I know Miss D approved of her guardian angel when she hugged her good - bye twice , laughed and told her she was going to punch her in the nose next time . Was it the first day of getting Miss D back home ? Maybe . What if the guardian group can 't get 24 - hour care in her home ? What if it 's only 12 hours ? Can Miss D be on her own overnight ? This all has to be worked out and the guardian group can 't say with certainty how long this process may take . I 've even thrown my name into the mix as a possible caretaker on a shift to ease Miss D 's transition back home . As a non - family member , my involvement has always been unclear . Do I step back now ? Ever since Miss D was taken out of her home by APS , I 've felt responsible . My husband comforts me and says Miss D would have been homeless or dead from a fire or possibly put others at risk in our apartment building . Although , I know he is right , will this terrible feeling ever go away if Miss D does not get back home ? Good news for Miss D ! The Order was signed by the judge ! Miss D has a legal guardian group to move her life forward and hopefully back home . Her timeline above has changed color to a bright blue now that Miss D can see the light at the end of this long tunnel she 's been in for nearly 3 . 5 years . Family has returned to visit Miss D in her secured location . The elephant in the room is called Dementia . Miss D 's nephew does not know this person he calls Ma and is experiencing the devastation of dementia to a loved one for the first time . I will admit my anger toward this family for not being there for Miss D after her dementia took hold has been fierce . My weekly visits with Miss D continue . She always asks about " our " husband if he 's not with me . I love it when Miss D laughs - it 's strong and bold like I know she can be and then our visit ends with . . . Miss D is in limbo as the guardian group awaits a signed Order & Judgment from the judge . Until this happens , they have no authority to act on Miss D 's behalf . I am in limbo , too , no longer just her neighbor , but her protector . I can 't step back until I know her needs and wants are heard and met . A photo book full of family memories is with Miss D though her family is not . I was hoping the nephew she raised was stepping up , but he faded out this month as well . The granddaughter visited Miss D one day of the 191 days at her secured location . Miss D 's son was issued a restraining order , can not visit her and does not know where she is . I 'm sure he is hiding under a rock hoping he 'll get away with the financial exploitation and neglect of his mother . The social worker created a memory corner in Miss D 's room with images from her neighborhood and community connecting her to the past . All of these good intentions are stripped away by Miss D 's dementia . Is the past so painful she hides the photo book and pulls down her memory corner or is her life becoming a blur the longer she is away from home ? Miss D and I talk a lot about her advocacy days . She lets me know what she wants to discuss and it usually winds up there . We are blending our lives together as I become an advocate for Elder Abuse . I want something good to come out of this experience for Miss D and for me . We 've been talking about joining forces as a team for elder issues . Miss D has not been home in almost 8 months . I assumed with the judge 's ruling Miss D would go home with 24 hour care , it never occurred to me she may not . I am struggling with this idea of home for Miss D . On one hand , it is her right to go home to the apartment she has lived in for over 50 years . On the other hand , she 's in a very good secured location and has made friendships with the staff and other residents . As Miss D and I walked out of her room , an aide is having difficulty guiding a confused resident . Miss D puts a soft hand on the resident , turns her around and says , " It 's this way to the dining room , honey , follow her . " The aide tells me Miss D is so kind and helpful with the other residents . Last week Miss D and I returned to her floor from her usual ice cream cone at the cafe . She starts crying and doesn 't want me to leave her alone . " I 'm going to be all by myself . " I escort Miss D down the hall to her friend Miss T 's room . Miss T is standing outside , tells Miss D not to cry and opens her door . At the far end of her room is a vacant bed perfectly made with Miss D 's green wool blanket . Miss T reminds Miss D she can come stay in her room anytime she wants , her bed is made . Although , Miss D has not changed her request and each visit she asks , " When am I going home ? " - what is home to an 83 year - old person with dementia ? I asked Miss D what home means to her today . Miss D and I stroll the main floor after our talk . She is greeted by staff happy to see her out and about . Miss D introduces me as her friend and neighbor . What I took away from Miss D 's description today was more about involvement and connections than place . It can take a lifetime to form a community you belong to , but if anyone can do it faster it would be Miss D . It 's now been 4 months since the court hearing . Miss D awaits approval of her guardian group from the judge and continues to live at the secured location . She has made a few friends and is being visited by the nephew she raised . The granddaughter made a visit with her children and I hope the relationship between Miss D and granddaughter will be repaired if she chooses to come back into Miss D 's life . I continue to spend time with Miss D as her friend . Each visit she asks me , " When am I going home ? " With her short - term memory loss it is a repeated question that fills our time together . I do not have the answer to that question . Whether she gets home or not , it is a persistent request of hers to go home and I hope the guardian group will make that possible for her . Miss D 's court hearing was today . The hospital lawyer asked if I would testify to Miss D 's condition when I first got involved and what I knew about the son 's financial exploitation . I agreed to testify . Miss D was at the hearing . No family members were present when the proceedings started . The judge asked to deal with the landlord issue first . The landlord did not show and the judge moved to the next issue for guardianship . The hospital chief social worker was the first witness called and I was asked to leave the courtroom . Miss D 's granddaughter showed up as my husband and I were sitting outside the courtroom . We said hello . I told her the hearing already started and she should go inside . I testified in front of my friend , Miss D . I knew she would not remember ; it didn 't make it any easier . The court evaluator was asked to give her report to the judge and court . She told how Miss D 's apartment was very spacious and clean with a spare room for an aide to stay in . She recommended Miss D needs a guardian for property and personal care , but she could go home with proper care . She explained Miss D did get a pension and social security and could afford to pay her rent and utilities . Miss D 's lawyer spoke and set examples from our testimonies why Miss D didn 't need a guardian . He must do this on his client 's behalf , but everyone , even Miss D 's lawyer knew she needed a guardian . The judge , court evaluator , lawyers , hospital social worker and court staff treated Miss D with respect . The judge spoke with her decision to declare Miss D an incapacitated person and ruled she needed a guardian for both property and personal care . She went through the entire testimony of why she came to this decision . The judge ruled the landlord was to wait for any payment and could not proceed with eviction on Miss D until the guardian was in place . The judge granted a restraining order for Miss D against her son and his wife . Miss D 's location is to be kept a secret and they are not allowed to have contact with her . The judge ordered the court to start proceedings on the son for his illegal financial actions toward Miss D . The judge believed it was best for Miss D to go home to her apartment with 24 - hour care after guardianship was in place , hopefully within 90 days . There was a flutter of legal activity in the 2 weeks before Miss D 's court hearing . Miss D 's appointed lawyer asked me to be her personal care guardian . It was Miss D 's request . She did not want her granddaughter to be her guardian . I told the lawyer I had to discuss this with my husband . I struggled with the idea of who would be Miss D 's guardian . I worried she would never get back home unless I did it , but realized my husband and I could not take on such a task . We knew the involvement necessary after stepping into caretaking roles for our own parents . This evening I reached out to the guardian group the court evaluator had suggested through an email and received very good advice from the director . She told me there are guardian communities that take on cases like this . Their guardian group may be interested in my neighbor if they have a spot and they see the petition and court evaluator 's report . I sent the information to Miss D 's lawyer . A social worker called me to come and help Miss D get settled a few days after she arrived . She would not unpack her bags . That 's Miss D , feisty ! I saw Miss D sitting in the dining room at a table by herself and clearly not happy . When I came to her , she started crying and hugged me . We followed the social worker to Miss D 's room with her bed by the window . I began to unpack her bags while we talked and put her clothes away . She quizzed me why I was doing that . " How long will I be staying ? " she asked . The social worker told me to just tell Miss D , " You are staying here for now . " Miss D 's new place away from home gives her more freedom and is a less stressful environment than the hospital . She has no memory she was in the hospital for 2 months . Many of our early visits ended with her crying and accusing me of putting her there . It was a difficult period being the only person she knew visiting her from the outside . I take her down to the main floor for a change of scenery . She feels she is in a park outdoors and loves eating ice cream cones and candy bars from the café . She thinks she is going back to her apartment after we are in the park and we need to decide what to have for dinner . She " wants to get down to business " , she wants me to mind her and be her guardian . Miss D tells me , " I take care of my bills , but if you did it for me , it would only be 2 bills and I don 't need much help " . Miss D has been in the hospital for almost 2 months . A Notice of Proceeding to Appoint a Guardian was filed by the hospital lawyer and a court date set for Miss D in a month . Every visit Miss D would tell me she wants to go home and didn 't understand why she was there , she wasn 't sick . My biggest fear was Miss D catching an infection in the hospital . She was moved to a more secluded wing because her son and his wife were disruptive in the hospital . The police were called one night and they were banned from visiting Miss D again . Hospital aides said they never saw the granddaughter visit , although she had called . Miss D was stuck in her room with an aide and wore only a hospital gown everyday . The social workers , doctors , nurses and aides were very nice to Miss D , bringing her treats and doing what they could to keep her occupied . We filled our time together playing her favorite music on my laptop , Ella Fitzgerald , Louis Armstrong , Sarah Vaughan and Dinah Washington . I clipped her toenails and painted her nails , had reading glasses made for her so she could finally read during the day . She couldn 't remember what happened to her real glasses and I never found them . Miss D was still upset , but she was eating three meals a day and safe . A week ago , Miss D came down with pneumonia . The hospital chief social worker called me today and told me Miss D will be leaving the hospital tomorrow until her court date next month . No one was to know where Miss D was going . The hospital was not telling her family . I could not see Miss D for 2 weeks . That was the policy . I was told only to be Miss D 's escort to the new place . I did not answer my door , but the building manager in the basement did . She called me the next day and told me she spoke with the son and his wife . They wanted keys to Miss D 's apartment . The building manager informed them she never had keys and only helped Miss D when she had trouble with her keys , indicating it was many times . They asked if the granddaughter had been around and had keys . The building manager wanted to ask them where have they been , why are they here now . She 's never seen them in the building visiting Miss D in over the ten years she 's lived here . My husband and I decided to make a police report at our precinct . I told the policewoman I was not threatened , she noted the report as aggravated harassment and gave me a complaint number . I 'm not one for this kind of drama , but my husband and I were concerned enough to have something on record if there was trouble in the future . The calls and the visits stopped . A meeting was scheduled again with the hospital chief social worker . I released the files I was holding of Miss D 's for the guardianship and legal process . The APS caseworker called me and told me she would be reporting the financial abuse on the son at the same police precinct we were the day before . The hospital lawyer called me and asked if I want to receive a copy of the Petition for Guardianship and I said yes . Miss D 's first week in the hospital was full of drama . I am not family and the hospital was not too interested in talking to me . They wanted the family involved . I assumed the granddaughter would be taking over and gave her documents she may need for Power of Attorney and a set of Miss D 's apartment keys . I went to see Miss D the day the son surfaced . He called and threatened to take her out of the hospital . The social worker started asking me questions about the family . I told her I saw neglect from Miss D 's family and I only trusted the granddaughter . That evening the calls started from the son and his wife on my cell . I was told the son was coming for a visit in the evening and will be escorted by security the entire time . My husband and I arrived at the hospital earlier to meet with the chief social worker at the hospital . She was very reassuring and I relaxed knowing with her , the local council office , APS and possibly the granddaughter , Miss D 's care going forward may be what 's best for her . A meeting was scheduled with the 3 groups tomorrow at the hospital . The chief social worker said the goal is to get Miss D back home with help and the " right " guardianship . That , of course , was always what I wanted for Miss D . Miss D was not good today . She wants to go home and is more paranoid of everyone keeping her there . She has an aide with her 24 hours a day to protect her , making sure she doesn 't walk out . It was difficult to see Miss D in such distress . A few days earlier , Miss D filled the top floors with smoke from burning eggs in her apartment . Her smoke detector didn 't work . My husband tried to turn off the gas without success fearing he may break a pipe . The granddaughter came in the evening after being called by a neighbor across the hall and told me she wants to make sure her grandmother will be okay . I got a call from the APS caseworker today . She was with Miss D in her apartment doing the assessment and asked if I would come down and sit with Miss D . I brought a muffin and orange for her . The caseworker asked her questions for almost an hour . Miss D did not do well answering the questions . The caseworker politely asked if Miss D would show her the apartment before she left . When the caseworker got to the kitchen and saw the top burner on , she told Miss D her burner was on and she should turn it off . She explained how dangerous it is to forget to turn it off . The caseworker and I left Miss D 's apartment . She looked at me and said she could not leave this building without calling 911 and have Miss D taken to the hospital . I asked her if it had to be this extreme . She told me she could not sleep tonight if she left Miss D unattended in her apartment . I was shocked , she must know her job , she sees this all the time . She asked if I would go back to Miss D 's apartment and wait with her until she showed up with EMS . She said Miss D will be really upset and she should be mad at her not me . I went up to my apartment , made Miss D a sandwich knowing it may be hours until she ate and went back down to wait with her . She couldn 't remember the caseworker had just been there to visit with her . Within the hour , there was a knock at Miss D 's door and two big EMS guys and the caseworker came in . The EMS guys started asking Miss D questions about who the president was and what year it was . Miss D was agitated and could not answer the questions . Miss D got pretty huffy and didn 't understand why she should leave her apartment with them . She finally agreed to go . I asked Miss D if she would like me to go with her and she said yes . She wanted to clean herself and get dressed . They gave her a moment to do it . I picked out some decent clothes for her to wear . I held her heavy purse and we all left the apartment for the ambulance waiting on the street . The hospital did not want to take Miss D . The emergency staff was upset with APS and said they do not handle this type of thing . Miss D 's blood pressure was 200 . A hospital social worker and the APS caseworker agreed they could not release her . The APS caseworker stayed for two hours and left . I called the granddaughter and stayed with Miss D until 11PM . She said they couldn 't keep her against her will , there was nothing wrong with her . I told her it would all be sorted out tomorrow and I would be back in the morning . I asked her if I could take her purse with me to keep safe in my apartment . She agreed and I left . I started checking in on Miss D three times a day bringing prepared foods and juice . My husband fixed Miss D 's bedroom lamp , got her television working and mopped the kitchen floor . It bothered Miss D to see her floor so dirty , not knowing how to clean it . I put the juice in Miss D 's refrigerator and saw raw chicken in a roasting pan , a dozen eggs and butter . She must have gone to the store the night before . I took the raw chicken to my apartment and cooked it for her , leaving the eggs with hesitation . Miss D using the stove scared me . The APS caseworker called me today and told me she had talked to the granddaughter . It did not sound positive the granddaughter would get involved . The relationship was complicated . I found the cooked chicken in a trashcan in the living room . I began seeing a pattern of Miss D cleaning out her refrigerator each day , throwing out perfectly good food . If you gave her a dozen muffins , she 'd eat them all in one day . I could see living alone with dementia was taking a toll on Miss D - papers were everywhere , in drawers and bags in strange places . I found the silverware missing from the kitchen hidden all over her bedroom . Days before she told me her children had stolen the items . My concern was growing . She didn 't understand what I was doing and I needed to keep reassuring her the council office asked me to find the documents to lower her rent . I finally found Miss D 's mail key . She hadn 't opened her mailbox in over a month . Inside was the rent demand notice from the landlord and a utility turn - off notice . I called the utility company that night and they extended a cut - off date for a week . Miss D was carrying so much cash in her purse I asked her to give me $ 300 from her purse and I 'd pay the bill up at the payment center . I found the forgery documents from Miss D 's bank . She or the bank discovered the son was writing checks to himself from her account and her bank account was changed . The son was also writing her rent and utility checks and that ceased when the bank opened up a new account for Miss D . No bills had been paid this year . I called the local council office and asked how to get help for Miss D in her home . After answering a few questions , the staff member determined Miss D was not in immediate danger and I was told to make a referral to Adult Protective Services . The council office gave me the website address and I wrote the referral that night . Some questions I had to click " unknown " . I had no idea about her financial state . I assumed rent and utilities were paid . Although , our building manager told me that day she had tried to call Miss D 's son 3 times and he would not return her calls . She indicated she could not discuss why she was trying to reach Miss D 's son . I did fill out the referral section about neglect . I believed Miss D 's son was neglecting his mother and I had no idea if her granddaughter was in contact with her . I added the family phone numbers to the APS referral along with mine . Miss D 's mental state has deteriorated for over 5 years . Another neighbor and I were in contact with her family through the years to voice our concern . She has a son and a granddaughter . She also has a nephew she raised , but Miss D said she hadn 't seen him in a long time . I sat with her while she ate her take - out dinner in her apartment . She had lost weight in the past year . I looked into her shower and it looked dirty like she doesn 't use it . There is a cushion sponge on the floor of her tub . She told me she takes showers everyday , but she had worn the same clothes for days and they looked soiled . I asked her how she did laundry . She told me she takes it up to the Chinese laundry and they do it . She uses her cart , but the cart in the hallway was packed with 5 grocery bags full of empty soda cans . I asked her if someone comes to recycle for her . She was unclear what happens . I told her unless she needs the money , we can take the cans to the basement , the building will recycle them . She said that would be great , she didn 't know . I took the bags of cans to the basement and put them in the recycling bin . Before I left I asked Miss D if we could take out the items in her purse and find the " bricks " at the bottom . She laughed . I could see she was carrying all of her financial items , cash , checks and change in a purse with a broken zipper . I found 3 heavy canvas bags of change in the bottom . I told her we should remove 2 of the bags and leave the smaller change purse . She hid the coin bags in a dresser drawer in her bedroom worried her family would come and take them . It was hard to go , Miss D was crying and didn 't want me to leave . Earlier she told me she wished she could end her life , she was so unhappy . Miss D is a religious person and I trusted that was not an option for her . I hugged her and made sure she locked her door behind me before I returned to my apartment upstairs . |
It is a stormy night on the 15th of January , 2005 ; everyone is soundly sleeping , cats were marauding happily down the street , wondering around curiously near the neighbour 's houses and three girls ( me included ) were strutting along the outskirts of Hector . Coming back from a friend 's party and heading towards home , Kate Hampton , Juliet Singer and I were talking amongst ourselves . Thinking back I realized that after this night , all our lives were changed forever and there was no going back from it . Kate Hampton is my best friend . We have known each other for almost our whole life . She has blonde , long hair which ends at the small of her back , and when you look at her baby blue eyes they pierce right through your body . For looks , Kate is pretty , but sometimes the acne on her face demolishes the prettiness . But I don 't care about that . Kate and I have this sisterly bond , we both know straight away whether either one of us are in trouble or sad . She is the nicest person you could ever meet . She is one of those friends who would come over straight away when you become sick ; she is one of those friends who would see through to the end of the day that you 'd get better . Juliet Singer is my other friend . She isn 't as close to me as Kate is , but she is good person . She is the only one who would help make decisions that impact our friendship . Sometimes Juliet has an anger problem , and she always takes it out on other people . Horrible I know , but she is basically the tough one of our trio . She has an older sister and her parents fight a lot . My mum doesn 't really like Juliet coming over as much because she was afraid that she might influence me into drugs or something . Juliet isn 't anything like Kate . Unlike Kate who would come over and help you , Juliet will be the kind of person who will tell you to get over it and suck it up . There was a reason why I wasn 't as close to her as Kate , a reason why were didn 't really bond with each other as much , because Juliet liked to say what she thought with no regard to the persons feelings or emotions . She is a very direct and controlling person . Maybe the reason we became friends in the first place , is because she is honest , and honesty is a good thing my opinion , even if it can be vicious . We are walking silently now , and my heart is smashing into my chest . I look around me , and see only trees and houses . I try not to look up at the sky . I hate the dark . I just hate it . Maybe because I know what 's out there in the dark , things that can get to you before you can eWe are still walking down the street when a roll of thunder sounded . Kate stopped walking and looked up in fright . Juliet and I both stopped when we realized that she wasn 't with us . " What the hell was that ? Was that thunder ? " She looked at me and Juliet with her eyes wide open . Juliet and I looked at each other . Kate has a phobia of thunder . We both nodded and started dragging Kate along as we started up walking along the sidewalk . Another crash of thunder filled the quiet night , followed by a streak of lightning which hit nearby power lines . Suddenly it became very dark and I didn 't like it at all . Shit . This time it was me who looked around in fright , and because I have a phobia of the dark , I panicked even more . I grabbed a hold on Kate 's shirt . " I can 't see anything ! It 's too dark ! " I cried out in fear . Kate pulled my hands away from her shirt and calmed me down softly . She was still trembling from before . Juliet just rolled her eyes at me . So much for helping me . " You don 't have to be scared , we 're with you , and nothing is going to hap - " Kate 's words were cut off by the sound of running footsteps near the trees . " What the hell was that ? " whispered Kate fearfully , as she looked at me and Juliet once again with wide , shocked eyes . She jumped at basically anything , and always caused the rest of us to freak out a little . " It - It sounds like someone running , " I said , I tried to comfort her a little , but my own heart was racing nonetheless . It 's just someone running , right ? What else could it be ? " It 's coming this way ! " hissed Juliet quietly . We all held our breath , our hearts pumping and beating so fast you 'd think we ran a marathon . I felt Kate stiffen beside me in panic . " Piss off Harley ! " screamed Juliet angrily , as she pushed a laughing Harley Groves out of her way . Harley Groves is in the same year level as us . He is the type of guy , who wanted to be hated by everyone , and so he annoyed everybody with his brainless and lame made up jokes , his irritating voice and sleazy gestures . Even though he brought it on himself , I kind of felt sorry for him . And by kind of I mean such a tiny feeling that it doesn 't even register that I 'm feeling like that . Harley burst out laughing , his crooked teeth visible as his mouth opened wide with laughter . The idiot tried to scare us and won . Kate and I were pulling Juliet back to stop her from beating the crap out of Harley . At one point Kate accidently let go of her arm but quickly grabbed it again . Harley jumped back from Juliet playfully . " I 'm surprised you haven 't been put on a leash , Singer . You need to be tied up , " teased Harley as he came closer and closer to a fuming Juliet , who was starting to go red in the face from seething anger . " Shut up Harley ! " I yelled angrily while still trying to restrain a fuming Juliet . " Although the fantasy of you being tied up is actually better than I thought it would be , " Juliet growled and tried to claw Kate and I , as she tried freeing herself to attack Harley . But Harley ran away laughing uncontrollably because he knew that he stirred up the raging animal in Juliet . " Juliet ! " I panted , as Kate and I were struggling with a scratching and angry Juliet . " Stop it ! You 're stooping down to his level ! " This last line stopped Juliet , and after a few seconds of calmness , when Kate and I thought it was safe to unhand Juliet , we let her go carefully . She whipped around to face us angrily , her eyes piercing with accusation and hatred . " We grabbed you because you would 've attacked Harley , " Kate said even more angrily , mainly because Juliet had sweared at us . Juliet turned to Kate , I could see the anger etched in the lines of her face , and I wondered at this point why I became friends with Juliet . She is such an angry person , I had no idea how I became friends with her in the first place . " Whose side are you on Kate ? " seethed Juliet angrily . " Are you on Harley 's side ? " Kate stammered , but I jumped in to save her . Kate never really did well in fights . I turned to Juliet angrily . " How can you talk to your own friend like that ? We are not on anyone 's side . Yes he was in the wrong with what he said , but you are also in the wrong when you tried to attack him . That makes you no better than he is , " Juliet fumed even more , but we all froze in shock as a sickening scream shattered the conversation to silence . " What was that ? " whispered Juliet to Kate and me fearfully . " I think that sounded a lot like Harley don 't you think ? " I said to Juliet and Kate , also at the same time trying to hear the screaming phenomenon again . Kate nodded in agreement . " I think it - " But Kate was cut off by Juliet who quickly shushed her . " Shhh ! Can you hear that ? " All three of us suddenly became quiet , and sure enough the same scream was heard , but this time it was moving further away . Juliet started running and stupidly , Kate and I instantly did the same . We ran along the road , our loud running footsteps scraped the pavement as we ran faster and faster , the sound of the scream was getting closer and closer and my heart was thumping in my chest it hurt . It was still too dark to see , but with the help of dim streetlights , I was following Juliet and Kate . As we ran across the road , we headed to Denway Park . The sound of the scream had to be here , I wondered in my head while running and nearly tripping over at the same time . The sound of the scream was so close , we all halted in our steps with shock at what we saw . In the night we could barely see , a black hooded figure kneeling over something , sucking noises coming from its black hood , like it was eating something , I knew then that the creature was eating someone . The person was making gargling and choking noises . My gut was pulled back and I suddenly felt sick in the stomach . Suddenly the person became quiet . I turned my face away and took a big gulp of air to take the queasiness away . Kate accidently stood on a twig making the black hooded creature look up from his prey and look in our direction . We all froze , trying not to move . I think my heart stopped for that moment . It just kept looking at our direction as if it couldn 't see us . Luckily for us it didn 't seem to see anything , and after what felt like forever , the creature went back to devouring the poor soul who was lying helplessly on the ground . I felt my heart start beating again ; it was beating frantically against my chest . I looked at Kate 's face , it was filled with horror and shock , and Juliet 's face seemed to be a bit sick . The three of us stayed halted in the same place , unable to move , afraid it would actually see us this time . When the creature finished , it stood up . It was as tall as a full grown man , we all kept silently still , not even breathing , afraid the creature was going to find us too , but all it did was open its black cape , with hands I couldn 't see , and to our uttermost horror , sprouted black wings . It protruded from its thick body , and with the wings flapping so powerfully , it flew off from the ground and into the clouds . The three of us waited for a couple of minutes in case the creature came back , but when it didn 't we all slowly headed cautiously to where the dead mass lay gruesomely mangled on the Park ground . We all gasped in shock as we reached the body . Judging from its hair , and mangled face , it was indeed Harley Groves , the lifeless body lay still and silent . Kate burst into loud tears and Juliet quickly took her away from the body , telling her to shut up at the same time . I didn 't follow them , but I did move closer to the body because something had caught my eye . I didn 't go too close however , but the body was laid in an awkward angle , his stomach was ripped wide open and all the insides were nearly , completely eaten away , leaving chunks of intestine and possibly other organs lying on his body and on the ground . Shit . I covered my mouth with my sleeve , afraid at the thought that I might chuck up all over the dead body . I don 't know why I did it but I started examining his face , with my sleeve still on my mouth . The skin was viciously ripped apart at the forehead down to the nose . The only way I could identify Harley was because of his unique stud which was now dangling from what was left of his lip . My eyes remained on Harley 's mangled face , studying every tear that was used to be his skin . It seemed like the creature has claws . I could see the muscles through the torn skin . There was a bleeding hole where his left eye used to be . His right eye was torn open , and a white fluid was seeping out of what was left of his eye . I looked further down near his stomach area where his chewed up organs lay on the ground . I gulped back a bit of vomit and moved my face away from the body to breathe . After a couple of minutes when my stomach settled down , I turned back to the body . I over - looked the intestines and looked at the gaping hole in what used to be Harley 's stomach . Nearly everything was gone . It was like the creature had sucked out nearly everything of his insides , spilling out bits of flesh around the body . As I was gawking at Harley 's open stomach , something else caught my eye . Something solid was protruding out of his left jacket pocket and curiosity got the best of me as usual . I pulled my sleeves up further and made sure my hand was covered ; I reached into his left pocket and pulled out a small black bag . I examined it carefully and instantly knew what it was . The hex bag was the size of my palm , it had white string tied tightly around it and an unusual aroma was coming from the bag . The smell wasn 't strong , but it was sifting through my nose , making my stomach lurch again . My gut suddenly had a bad feeling and I knew that this hex bag meant no good . But nevertheless I carefully got a spare plastic bag from my purse and put the hex bag into it . I shoved the plastic bag into my own bag and continued to examine the body . I know I shouldn 't be doing it , but for some reason a feeling was telling me I had to . I got up , unable to look at the body again . I looked up at the sky , it was still overcast and dark , and my brain went into panic mode once again . Calm down , I comforted myself as I looked away from the sky . I have bigger problems than the dark right now . Yeah , real comforting Selena , that 's real helpful right now . " What the hell was that thing ? " said Kate , whose voice was getting louder by every word . Juliet shushed her and looked to where I was . After I finished , I got up and went to Kate and Juliet who were huddled by the bushes . I looked at them , all the clues and evidence that was stuck in my mind , it felt so terrible I didn 't want to say it . I gulped back tears that were finally trying to come out . " From the looks of it , Harley was chased down and fatally attacked like we saw , " Kate looked worryingly at Juliet . But Juliet 's stern look still didn 't change . " From what we heard it was pretty obvious . I wasn 't only looking at the body . Follow me , " I showed Kate and Juliet a fine patch of green grass near Harley 's body . " Have a look closely , you can barely see it but you 'll see footprints , " Kate and Juliet leaned in close where the grass was . You had to lean in pretty close to see because there was no moonlight and sure enough , there was a one set of footprints that was imprinted in the grass , but there was something wrong . " The footprints are like one foot away from the body , " said Kate , who was still half sobbing . " How is that ? " Juliet realized what Kate was on about and turned to me for answers . " Well Sherlock Holmes , what do you think ? " I gave Juliet a dirty look ; I always hated it when Juliet called me Sherlock Holmes , she made it like I was some kind of crazy person that loves playing detective all the time , which wasn 't true of course . " I realized it when I was walking back to you guys actually . I think that the creature was chasing after Harley , grabbed him while it was still flying and killed him right there , " I indicted the bloody mass that lay on the ground two feet away from us . I wiped tears that were slowly coming out of my eyes . " The footsteps are far apart from each other . When we walk , the footsteps are closer together . But when you are running , your footsteps have a larger gap between them . Then there is a large break where his footsteps and body are , " I quickly wiped away more tears . " Because the creature can fly , we can only assume it must 've grabbed him . Plus you know what we heard before this happened . If it were flying at you , you 'd run too , " We all looked at the dead , eaten corpse of Harley Groves . - Chapter 2 - Suddenly for me , it became quiet . Too quiet that the silence was deafening to my ears , I couldn 't hear the thunder anymore and I suddenly realized that I couldn 't stand being here any longer . I closed my eyes and prayed that I was just in a nightmare and soon I will wake up hoping it 'll come off as a bad dream . But when I opened my eyes , I was still in Denway Park standing with Kate and Juliet , and I knew that this wasn 't a dream at all . I decided to break the silence . I turned to face Juliet and Kate , who were also lost in thought . " We have to go . We have to go to the police and tell them what happened , " I started to move with Kate , when Juliet grabbed my shoulders . I turned around to face her . " What is it ? " Juliet 's face suddenly looked serious . " You can 't tell anyone what happened , " Juliet said quietly . I scoffed at her , as I couldn 't believe my own ears . What is she talking about ? " What the hell do you mean don 't tell anyone ? " I said , glaring at Juliet angrily . Behind me , Kate was agreeing with what I was saying . Juliet came in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders again . " What , you think the cops are going to say that we killed Harley ? " Kate said slightly angrily and horrified at the thought she had given . But I didn 't listen to what Kate had said ; I was just looking at Juliet , trying to comprehend what was going on in her mind . I suddenly realized why Juliet said what she said . " You 're not trying to protect us , " I said heatedly . " You 're trying to protect yourself , " Kate looked at me confusingly , wondering what on earth I was talking about . Juliet took her hands off my shoulders as if she got electrocuted and glared at me with her hazel eyes , like a hawk about to attack its prey . " I know you didn 't kill Harley , but you do have motive for killing him . He said some things to you and you got angry , the cops will see you as a suspect , " There became silence again . Juliet and I were glaring at each other and Kate was looking at us both trying to figure out what to say . But it was Juliet that spoke up first . With her eyes still on me , she spoke . " I call for a vote . Hands up for those who want it to be kept a secret , " Juliet put her hand up , with her angry eyes still on my face . I kept my hand down and looked sideways at Kate , who had her hand up too . " Kate , what are you doing ? " I looked at Kate surprisingly and half angry . Kate still had her hand up , but she looked at me sadly . " I 'm sorry Selena , but I 'm going with Juliet on this one , " said Kate sorrowfully . It looked like she was going to cry . " I don 't want my parents to find out what happened ; I don 't want to be a suspect , " I looked at Kate dejectedly , but I couldn 't blame her . Juliet 's eyes lit up , and she gave a quick smile to Kate . When she looked back to me the smile faltered and became a thin line of anger again . They both put their hands down and stared at me . " Are you with us Selena ? " I looked at Juliet again , but I knew in my heart that the decision was made , and I had no choice but to accept it . I was only making the decision for Kate . " Good , because no good will come out of this if we tell anyone , " said Juliet carefully . It 's still no good even if we don 't tell anyone , I said thoughtfully . We all started walking back to our houses without a last glance at the dead corpse of Harley Groves lying on the grass in Denway Park . There was no talking this time , each one of us was lost in our own thoughts . I was fuming inside . How can Juliet control us like that ? What right does she have to tell us what to do ? How can I keep this secret , knowing that it 's going to eat away inside of me as the days pass by ? This has to be the most stupidest thing I 've ever done , I thought to myself as our feet was scraping loud against the pavement as we walked . As we kept walking silently , we passed Kate and Juliet 's house , without even talking , we each gave each other a nod and they both went into their houses , closing the door shut behind them . I was on my own now , walking home by myself scared . I kept sneaking glances up the night sky , searching for signs of a large creature with wings . That thought sent my heart running again . What if it came back now ? What was I going to do ? Shit . I still couldn 't believe what happened . I saw a murder for the first time my life . It was all starting to crash down on me , my throat swelled up and my eyes burned with tears . " Selena , what 's wrong sweetie ? " The voice quickly snapped me out of my thoughts and I realized that I was suddenly at home ; standing in the living room and in front of me was the worried face of my mother . " Oh , " I said quickly lost for words . " It 's nothing Mum . I 'm just tired , " Mum looked at me ; I quickly raised my eyes and looked at my mother , I could tell she didn 't believe me . I took in my mother 's appearance . She is beautiful . Everybody always says that if there was a beauty pageant , my mother will be crowned first place . She is a lot like me , long brown hair , dark brown eyes , and a smile so beautiful that it becomes contagious to anyone around her . Okay , I admit I went a little overboard with the contagious part . I turned my attention back to Mum . She looked even more worried . " Are you sure you 're okay ? I called you when you came in , but you didn 't say a word . You look like you 've seen a ghost , " I nodded . You got that right . " It 's just been a long day and I 'd really like to go to bed , " I forced a smile , went up to my mother , hugged her tightly , although she wouldn 't let go , and went up the stairs and into my room . I closed my door and I fell onto my bed ; more thoughts came to my head . What was that creature ? What was it doing there in the first place ? Why did it kill Harley ? Why did he have a hex bag on him ? What is inside it ? Why did my life have to start falling apart at this moment ? Suddenly thinking at how exhausted I was . I climbed into my covers , with my clothes still fully on , and drifted off into an uneasy sleep , dreaming of the horrific incident that happened only a couple of hours ago . After all this time I think back , I realized that this was the catalyst for events soon to come , and there was no stopping it . I opened my eyes wearily and looked around . I was in my room and it took me a while to realize that I still had my clothes from last night on me . When I sat up in bed thinking of the events that took place last night , I looked at my clock , which showed twelve - fifteen in the afternoon . I had slept in . Shit . I got out of bed and stretched , I then went to my wardrobe and got out a long dark skirt with a white top and went into the bathroom to take a long and needed hot shower . " Ah , Selena you 're awake ! " said Mum happily , as I came out from the bathroom , and into the kitchen area still looking tired . " Mornin ' , " I said softly and hoarsely , as I still hadn 't found my voice yet since waking up . I sat on the table just as my Mum put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me . I was yawned loudly . " It 's the afternoon now , " she said softly as she kissed me on the forehead . " I let you sleep in a bit , after last night , " I nodded without speaking and looked at my plate . The egg was leaking on my plate and my mind suddenly flashed back to the blood and torn flesh of Harley . I groaned and pushed my plate away only taking the bacon . " Where are Kale , Karen and Dad ? " I said my mouth full of bacon . Mum sat down opposite me and took a piece of bacon from my plate . " It 's a Sunday , so Kale is over at Jackson 's house , your father is still at the construction site working and Karen is still out with her friends . Don 't know when she 'll be back . " I rolled my eyes while my Mum looked away . Karen is only four years older than me . She thinks that she can control me because she is the oldest . She shows off to her friends in front of me , treating me like a child . Even more to my humiliation , Karen gossips about me and the family to her friends , something which I hate among all other things . But even though she can be a bitch sometimes , Karen does have a good side which is loving and sort of sisterly like . Kale on the other hand is like any other little brother , annoying . He is three years younger than me and even now he still likes to peep into my room or flick through my out - dated diary once in a while . But unlike any other little brother , Kale was my first and only best friend . We will tell each other most things and help each other out , which makes my mother very proud of us . When I finished my late breakfast , I went up to my room , and shut and locked the door behind me . I went to my desk , set a large piece of paper on the floor , went to my bag and got out the small black , hex bag I found inside Harley 's jacket . I set the hex bag onto the paper and opened the white string with my hands , and when the black bag opened up a strong horrible smell wafted from inside the bag which made me nearly throw up again . I got up again , went to my desk a second time and got out a pair of white disposable gloves fPicking though the objects in the bag , I found the following : A piece of bone , not sure what it was , but I was sure to check it out soon ; two really small baby teeth , one dead black rose , three black pebbles and two small rocks . I knew that this was a hex bag , the contents inside confirmed it . I got out a notebook and a pen and starting to record my findings . " It is the 16th of January , 2005 . I found a small black hex bag in the jacket of Harley Groves . I opened up the bag and found the following items : I quickly put down the pen and re - read what I wrote . I suddenly forgot one more thing , the smell . You see , when you make a hex bag , you put a certain kind of aroma on the bag for it to effectively work . If there is no aroma , it can be rendered useless , thus it won 't work . I quickly wrote down some more notes . " Hex bag has a certain kind of aroma . Smells like something you get from the ocean mixed with a stale smell of an unknown source , " I closed the notebook and started drifting into my thoughts . From the evidence I could gather from the hex bag , someone tried to curse him , I think . The hex bag , if cursed , probably worked , Harley Groves is now dead and decaying on the ground in Denway Park . But now so many more questions were running through my head . I wonder if anyone found his body . Who would want to curse Harley ? There were so many people in school who hated him , so many people who 'd give anything for him to die or get hurt . Why did that person put the hex bag in his jacket ? Does the hex bag attract the creature that killed Harley ? Or is the creature and the hex bag two different things all together ? Maybe Harley crossed paths with someone who is into witchcraft , or was it meant for someone else ? The questions kept coming and coming , and every time I tried to answer a question , another question will pop up as well as many theories . I came back to my senses again when there was a knock on my door . " Who is it ? " I called out as I quickly scrambled around putting the objects back into the bag ( leaving out the piece of bone ) and stuffing them into a drawer and locking them inside . " It 's Kate , " said a silent and shy voice of Kate . " Can I come in ? " I quickly put the bone into a pouch , stuffed it in my school bag and went to open the door . Kate was standing there in a medium sized white skirt , with a pink blouse . Her hair was tied back into a ponytail today . She gave me a massive hug . I patted her back sympathetically , knowing what conversation was going to come up . " Are you okay ? " I said sympathetically , as we both parted and sat on the bed . Kate looked at me with tired and sad eyes . Her eyes were puffy and red . She had been crying . She shook her head . " I 'm not okay Lena , " said Kate whose voice was starting to break up . " I couldn 't sleep the whole night last night . My eyes are red and pu " You don 't have to feel guilty about anything Kay . Just because you are like family , doesn 't mean you have to take my side on every issue that comes along . I had nightmares of what happened last night too . It was a horrible experience for all of us . I never want to go through that again , " Kate quickly took the tissue and started dabbing at her eyes . I looked at Kate for a bit wondering whether I should trust her enough to tell her about the hex bag . Kate looked at me while cleaning her eyes . She frowned at me . " What ? Why are you staring at me like that ? " " Can I trust you with something ? " Kate looked at me , wondering what on earth I was going to tell her about . She nodded her head . I told her about the hex bag , about how I was looking through Harley 's body , finding the hex bag , opening it and discovering it contents and my theories . When I finished talking , Kate looked at me with her mouth wide open . " You stole evidence , " Kate said slowly , as though trying to comprehend what I said to her . " You opened up a cursed bag which you think made Harley a target to that creature , and you stole evidence , " Kate sighed disappointingly as she looked at me . " I know you Lena ; you would never do something like this , stealing evidence . First you looked at his dead body and now you do this . Why are you trying to play detective all of a sudden ? " " I 'm not trying to play detective , " I said defensively , feeling slightly hurt by Kate 's response . " And I took the evidence because of a gut feeling I had , and you know about my gut feelings , " I added , glaring at Kate who looked a taken back . " I am telling you these things because I can trust you , if you break this trust and tell anyone else , even Juliet , I 'll never confide anything to you again , " Kate nodded . " Why don 't you want Juliet to find out ? " asked Kate . I scowled at her . " Because of what happened last night . I don 't trust her ; I 'm not as close to her as you are Kate . I only put up with her because of what she 's going through with her parents , " Kate nodded again , but this time more slowly . " What did you do when you went back home last night ? " " Everyone else was sleeping , so I just went to my room and tried to wait for sleep to come . But I couldn 't stop thinking about what happened . I still can 't believe it . What was that thing ? " I knew how Kate was feeling because I was feeling the same way too . But before I could reply , my Mum was calling for us . " Selena ! Kate ! I want you to come down here now ! " called Mum from downstairs . The tone of my mother sounded panicky , and Kate and I looked at each other in fright and ran downstairs into the living room , where the television was switched on . " Mum , what is i - " But Mum shushed me and pointed my direction to a breaking news report that was playing on the television . Nicolas Papas who was the Channel Seven 's reporter , was speaking from the news desk . My heart was pounding , - Chapter 3 - " Police this morning were called to the attention of a dead body of a teenage boy found by an elderly woman who was walking her dog in Denway Park early this morning . The witness who doesn 't want to be named called the ordeal ' the shock of her life ' and is now in hospital being treated for shock . The body of the teenager has not been identified . Police are now calling it a Homicide and further investigation into the murder will be pending effective immediately . Anyone with any information about the murder is to call the Hector Police Station . Nicolas Papas , Seven news , " Mum switched off the television and sat down in shock , Kate and I quickly looked at each other in fright . " How could this have happened ? A murder in Hector ? " I sat down next to Mum and put an arm around her , comforting her . " Where were you girls last night ? " I suddenly became rigid in my seat , staring at my mother . I fought my eyes from looking at Kate . " After the party did you go anywhere else ? " I shook my head . " N - no , we came straight back home . We didn 't go anywhere else , " I added when my mother kept staring at me suspiciously . Kate nodded fervently behind her . " Then when you came home , why did it look like you 'd been crying ? What happened ? " I looked at Kate and back at my mother . " It was nothing . Nothing happened , " Mum didn 't seem to believe still . Luckily , Kate jumped to the rescue . " It was just the dark , Mrs . Gordon . The lightning took out the power and Selena just freaked out . You know how it is , " I glanced at Kate and nodded . She gave me a slight smile back . Mum 's face looked at me for a couple more seconds and her face softened . Pity took over her face . " Well if that was it - " " It was , " I interrupted , speaking quickly . " It was just the stupid darkness . I hate it and I got scared , " Mum gave me a piteous smile , kissed my forehead and walked away . Later on during the day , Mum , Kale , Dad and I were sitting around the dinner table eating steak and mashed potatoes , while talking about murder that has put the whole town into discussion mode . Karen was not home yet , though typical Karen , she wouldn 't even phone to tell us she was coming home late . " I heard from Jackson 's parents that the killer is someone we know , " said Kale , who quickly stuffed mashed potatoes into his mouth while flicking his hair out of his eyes . Mum scowled at him . " The police haven 't found the killer yet , so how could Jackson 's parents possibly know ? " Kale shrugged and continued eating . Dad was sitting next to Mum and he was frowning . He always frowned when he was thinking . His wrinkles increased every time he did , which was funny in a way . His brown hair was shining from the light above us , giving him a sort of halo on top of his head . He was a very handsome man . He pushed his glasses up from his nose . " You know what Charlotte ? Kale could be right , it might actually be someone we know , " Mum scoffed again . " Hear me out . This is a small town ; everyone knows everybody and we 're basically the kind of town who can 't keep out of each other 's business . Who 's to say it isn 't someone we know , someone who is capable of mauling a teenager to death ? " I looked at Dad in shock when I was halfway through putting a forkful of steak into my mouth . Mum looked up at Dad in surprise . " Mauled to death ? Where on earth did you hear that from Reece ? " " It was on the radio when I was on my way back from work . Apparently the police found the body severely mauled apart , no human could 've done this , " I looked at Dad again . Too right it wasn 't human , I thought in my head . I looked at Kale who looked disgusted . He put down his fork and glared at Dad . " No you haven 't , you just want an excuse not to eat . Finish your food . And no more talking about the murder , " she said , directing the last sentence to my Dad . Dad just shrugged and continued eating his steak . I sat there in silence , listening to the bickering conversation . " It could be a bear or wolves , " said Kale after a while , quickly giving a look to Dad . Mum slammed her fork on her plate and Kale and I jumped in our seats . We all became silent , except for Mum . I tried to sleep , but I kept tossing and turning in my bed . I kept worrying , worrying that the police were going to find my prints on Harley 's jacket . No that can 't be , you were careful , I thought quietly to myself . As I kept thinking what had happened , my eyes slowly started to close . There was a loud screeching sound and my eyes jumped opened in fright . My heart only relaxed when I realized it was my alarm clock ringing , and I grumpily leaned over my bed and hit my clock with my hand causing the alarm to stop . I sat up , still tired , I felt like I hardly slept . I didn 't want to go to school today , but I knew I had to , at least it 'll keep my mind off things , I thought . I found out I was wrong when I reached school . I go to Hector Secondary School and I am in my final year . The school is good . Good teachers , good education , good students , the only thing that wasn 't good , was gossip . I suppose everyone get 's rumors about themselves spread at school sometime in their life , but now , the rumors were bigger than ever . As I stepped off the bus , all around me there were groups of students huddled together , whispering to each other . As I walked down the pathway near the classroom areas , I realized that it was quiet ; it 's never been quiet before in our school . It suddenly became uneasy . People were still whispering to each other when I headed to the front of the library . It was just how any library would look . It was old , antique looking . The detailed structure of the outside was fading and peeling slightly , but it was a nice looking building . " Howdy ! " The familiar voice made me spin around . " Charlie ! " I looked at Charlie Ashmore and smiled ; his short blonde hair and brown tips shone brightly from the sun . I have known him since primary school . His cute little smile always makes me smile , and he is always there for me . Charlie is tall , thin , and one of the brightest and smartest people that I know . Charlie smiled sweetly as we hugged each other . " How are you Charlie ? How was your weekend ? " Charlie looked at me , his smile faltering slightly . " Not that good actually I guess we 're all hyped out about the murder in Denway Park , " I cleared my throat and nodded my head . But before I could speak , Charlie leaned closer to me . " There are rumors flying around , " he whispered . My heartbeat went fast again . I looked at him . " Rumor has it , that the body found in Denway Park was someone from our school , " My heart was beating fast , and guilt started to well up in my gut . I think it showed up on my face , but Charlie mistook my guilty look for a sad look . I gulped , afraid that he 'd seen my guilt , my guilt of seeing Harley being murdered and not telling anyone about it . I felt like an accessory to murder . But Charlie just clicked his tongue and patted my back . I nodded , hiding my face slightly . " Lena ! " cried out a male , deep voice . Before I could even react , big arms had grabbed me from behind hugging me . I panicked and tried to fight the arms , but the laughing from behind me made me stop . " Jonathan ! " I said angrily , but smiling at the same time . I turned around and jokingly hit my close friend Jonathan Barone . I have known Jonathan since primary school , to tell you the truth I actually had a crush on him at one time , but that faded away after a couple of years . Jonathan is tall , and I mean really tall , he was about seven foot high , with tight abs and muscles . Jonathan was a funny guy and he loves being around with his friends as much as he could . When I hit Jonathan , he just laughed and we both gave each other a proper hug . " Don 't scare me like that ! " I said , my head painfully being crushed by Jonathan 's hard chest . We pulled apart and I saw Jonathan and Charlie hug . They pulled apart as there was a loud ringing sound . It was the school bell , but listening clearly , there was an announcement being broadcast from the speaker . " Could all students please come to the assembly area and line up where your homeroom teachers are please ? All students , " The broadcast ended and I heard people all around me talking to each other . " It must be because of that murder , " I rolled my eyes knowing full well no one other than Kate , Juliet and I knew who the killer was , and walked with Jonathan and Charlie to the assembly area , also wondering in my head where the hell Kate and Juliet were too . I walked silently as Jonathan and Charlie were talking to one another , I was curious as to what this assembly was about , and my gut feeling was telling me that it was definitely about the murder . As we halted to a stop , we looked around trying to find our homeroom teachers . Jonathan and Charlie waved goodbye to me as they walked off to where their homeroom teacher was , leaving me alone . I felt like I was being left by myself quite a lot lately . I looked around trying to find people from my class , but my gut feeling suddenly went bad at the site of two police officers standing on the front of the stage , waiting for everyone to be seated . I suddenly found my teacher Mr . Holmes , an English teacher , a very nice old man . I sat down with my other classmates and looked around trying to find any sign of Kate or Juliet . There was a tap on my shoulder which made me jump , I looked up and saw that it was Kate , who gave me a quick smile , and Juliet who was beside her looking very smug . We all gave each other a nod and turned to face the front of the stage . The room suddenly became very quiet and I was afraid my rapid breathing would be heard . Then , the police spoke . " I 'm sure all of you know of the murder that took place at Denway Park , two days ago , " said a male police officer who was very young and attractive looking . " My name is Officer Reeves and here is my partner Officer Jane , " Officer Reeves gestured a hand towards a serious and young looking woman . She nodded at the audience . " Now , I 'm sure there are rumors surrounding what happened , and I am here from the Police Department to let you know what is going on , " He stopped for a while , the silence was too much , I couldn 't stand it . My heart was pumping at a rapid pace I was scared it would suddenly stop . But then Officer Jane stepped in , her tied up brown ponytail swinging back and forth as she paced across stage with her hands behind her back . " We have identified the victim yesterday afternoon , and only now we can tell you who it is . It is a student from this school , " Officer Jane stopped for a couple of seconds , all the students held their breath . I think I actually stopped breathing at one point . " The student 's name was Harley Groves , his parents were notified early yesterday afternoon , " When Officer Jane said his name , everyone gasped and broke up in talks and whispers . All the teachers were shushing them but at the same time looking shocked too . When the talks had died down , they put in their full attention at Officers Jane and Reeves . I looked at Kate , whose face looked scared . " We don 't have any other information for you , only that it was a murder , and that we 'll find whoever did this and they 'll be going away for a long time . Are there any questions ? " called out Officer Reeves as he looked at the students carefully . All the students put their hands up . " Besides who the killer is , " He added quickly . Most of the students groaned and nearly everyone put their hands down . Only one person had their hand up . " Yes ? " " It 's a question about Harley sir , " said a small third year male , he looked miniscule and his voice was slightly squeaky . " Keep going , " urged on Officer Jane . The little boy spoke again . " When are you going to release the body for a funeral ? " All the students looked at him . I don 't think they 'll go for the funeral , I thought quietly to myself , if they go , they 'll only go for the curiosity and publicity . It was Officer Reeves that spoke this time . " The body will only be released after the investigation into the murder is finished . Otherwise the body will stay in the morgue pending the investigation , " The boy nodded quickly and didn 't speak again . The Officers turned back to the audience again . " While the investigation is still ongoing , the Police Department will be notifying the occupants of Hector of any new news that comes to our attention . But if anyone has any insight on what happened , please tell let us know , " Both Officers gave a quick nod to the teachers and walked out of the assembly area . Just as the Officers left , students began muttering and whispering to each other . " There 's an investigation ! " " I heard he was slashed up in pieces ! " " I can 't believe that kid asked about a funeral ! " I couldn 't take it listening to people voices , so I grabbed Kate and Juliet and went outside near the trees where we couldn 't be heard . " What 's the matter ? " said Kate in a concerned voice . Juliet nodded . " What 's wrong ? " I couldn 't believe what I was hearing . " What 's the matter ? What 's wrong ? " I whispered furiously , looking around at the same time in case anyone heard me . " It 's everything ! I can 't take this anymore , we have to tell the police what happened , " Juliet scoffed and Kate recoiled beside her . " Like they 'll believe us , a monster in Hector ? Might as well be a human who could fly maybe that 'll be more believable , " said Juliet in a scorned voice . " How can you talk like this ? " I said frowning at Juliet angrily . " This isn 't something you can get over within three days . I really can 't take it ; I can 't stop thinking about it , " " Calm down Lena , " said Kate , as she put a hand on my shoulder . " We 're all as freaked out as you are . But we can 't say anything to the police , they won 't believe us anyway , " I looked at Kate and Juliet , I thought about the hex bag , I thought about that night , the night that changed our lives . I nodded and then I started walking away , hoping Kate and Juliet weren 't following me . Like what you saw ? Join my facebook page , make a comment , invite others to share your interest ! :) T . S . February 20 , 2011 at 4 : 19 AMNice post , like it . ReplyDeleteBoundlesstechJuly 5 , 2011 at 3 : 09 PMIt was such a pleasure reading it . I have bookmarked it and I will show it to my friend , she is a huge fan of this subject . Web Hosting | Web DesignReplyDeleteSEOJuly 15 , 2011 at 11 : 27 PMEvery Minute Designed for your Wealth . Never before in the history , World Class Network paying high for all . Join today and receive $ 10000 minimum per month from home . Do not miss it . http : / / bit . ly / me43swReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . I am a 25 year old Australian paranormal writer and blogger . I 'm also a filmmaker , and editor . Oh , and you 'll notice some random posts about my life experience and my interests . I 've gotten a lot of credit for my writing and filmmaking skills ( IMDB credits ) , been published in newsletters and guides and even won two writing competitions ! I 've even made a short film , advertisements and audio documentary . |
THIS remarkable story of Larry Lapsley , a Negro slave who escaped from the South during the Civil War and became a pioneer settler of Saline county , came to the Historical Society through George Robb , state auditor . As a boy Mr . Robb lived near Lapsley 's farm in a section settled largely by Swedish immigrants . " I remember him well , " Mr . Robb says . " He was a well set up and muscular man , six feet or better in height but slightly stooped , and he always walked with something of a shuffle . Because of the condition of his feet I never knew him to wear anything but overshoes or gum - boots and he rode horseback a great deal . He was a genial , kindly man who by the force of his character had won the esteem and respect of all his neighbors . " Lapsley lived the life of an ordinary early - day Kansas farmer and had little to say about his youthful experiences . He was over thirty years of age before he learned to read and write . According to Mr . Robb he was taught by Mrs . B . F . Robinson , the wife of his nearest neighbor , in the kitchen of her home . [ 1 ] She held there what is considered the first school in Liberty township . Larry 's favorite paper was the Police Gazette , to which he was a subscriber for many years . Mrs . Robinson protested that it was too vulgar for him to read but he always argued that it didn 't hurt him and couldn 't possibly hurt anyone else because it came in a wrapper and no one else could see the pictures . Lapsley was a member of the neighborhood 's first Sunday school which was held in a school building near the Robinson home . After it was moved to another location , however , he never went again . To those who chided him he always said that he didn 't have the time to go but would start again " as soon as the busy season was over . " That time never came . It is Mr . Robb 's opinion that he attended It was in the Robinson home that Lapsley died December 13 , 1897 , at the age of 57 . [ 2 ] He had never married and he left all his property to the Robinsons . It consisted of an " unincumbered farm of 119 acres , worth about $ 3 , 600 , some stock and other possessions . " Two provisions of the will were characteristic . Lapsley asked to be buried " decently and respectably , but with no display or ostentation , " and he asked that his tombstone be " not an expensive one , the same being intended merely to mark my last resting place . " The requests were followed out in the Robinson family cemetery . [ 3 ] About twenty years after Lapsley settled in Kansas he told the story of his Civil War experiences to Lily Learned , a young relative of the Robinsons . [ 4 ] She wrote it down verbatim without interrupting him to ask questions about dates , the spelling of proper names and without attempting to alter his diction or grammar . So far as it has been possible to check dates and locations , his memory appears to have been remarkably accurate . Except for the addition of some punctuation and other minor changes for the sake of clarity , the story follows as originally told . I was born in Danville , Kentucky , March 7 , 1840 . I was raised by Samuel Lapsley . [ 5 ] He owned my mother and sister . My father died before I can remember . When I was a little baby I remember mother taking me and spreading a cloth for me to sit on out of doors under the cool shade of the locust trees with my boy cousins , older than I , to watch me . One day as I was playing my sister and cousins wandered off and left me alone at which not finding anything to do , I took to creeping around . There was a very large well in the yard that used to most always be covered up , but as it was not covered and I for the want of having better to do creeped to the edge of this well , and laying down , was looking into the water in which I saw my face and thought it was fine . My mother was in the house doing her work and she happened to come to the door to see where I was . Seeing me at the well it scared her very much , but having presence of mind enough not to hollow , she slipped up and caught me and then hollowed . I can just remember how she scared me by catching hold of me so quick . Samuel Lapsley 's mother was a widow . She owned eight slaves . She was the mother of two children , a boy and a girl . The old lady always called me her boy as her two children were married and she kept me in her room from the time that I was born until her death , then willed me to her son Samuel . When she was dying she called me to her bedside and gave me to her son Samuel . Taking my hand in hers she told me to be a good boy and stay with Samuel . To Samuel she said , " Keep my boy as long as you live to remember me by . " Then to her daughter she gave my sister . My old mother went to Samuel along with me . She gave half of her slaves to one and half to the other with a lot of money , for she was very rich . Judging from my size , I think I was about eight years of age at the time of her death . My sister died when she was about eighteen years old . In a few years Samuel went through with the most of this property , all but me and my mother . He was a very fast young man and drove fast horses and by this he lost nearly all of his property . He moved to Missouri taking with him his all , myself and my mother and three of my cousins . When he landed at Independence he had only five dollars in cash . He was a Free Mason and he went to live with a man by the name of Horace Asbery , taking his slaves with him . Now this Horace Asbery was a Free Mason and was a rich farmer . Samuel lived with him one year , in which time he bought eighty acres of land in Jackson county near the Little Blue river ten miles from Independence . He took all his slaves and lived on his land three years , then sold his farm and moved down to Pleasant Hill , Cass county , and bought an interest in a livery stable in which I was always at work . While [ I was ] working in the livery stable my master run behind and one of my cousins was taken from him for a debt of $ 1 , 200 . I went to live with his brother - in - law whose name was William Bunor , [ 6 ] in the year 1859 . In the meantime I knew what his mother had said about his keeping me as long as he lived . One day he said to me , " Larry , I want you to go over to my brother Will 's for a few weeks and do some work for him as he wants you . " Not thinking anything strange by this command , I readily obeyed but after four weeks had passed I came home , as I thought to my home , but found it was no more to be my home . I met some of the boys in the yard and they asked me how I liked my new home . I did not know what to say and at this they told me that I had been sold to his brother Will . I of course would not believe them . I went into the house and was shown into the room where my master and his wife were . He was reading the newspaper and she was sewing or something of the sort . I shook hands with them and then in a few minutes , I asked him if he had sold me and he looked up and said , " No , Larry , I don 't want to sell you , " and that was all the satisfaction I could get . I then told him that the boys had told me that I had been sold . At this he got up and put his hands in his pockets , took his hat and left the house , and then I knew too well that I had been sold . I worked on the farm for Will Bunor until the fall of ' sixty - one . At this time the Union army was coming into Missouri . The old slave holders got scared and run into Texas with their slaves , my master with the rest . [ 7 ] My master started with us all on the 15th of December , I861 . I drove a four - horse team loaded with women and children , all of them were slaves . The women cried because they had to leave their old home . We were the balance of the winter getting to Texas . We had to travel slow and camp around for fear that the Union troops would capture us . We got to Bonum [ Bonham ] , Texas , [ 8 ] in February . We camped a mile south of Bonum while my master went around the country hunting a place to hire his slaves . He hired me to a man by the name of Stancel who owned a whiskey distillery . This man lived seven miles north of east of Bonum and fifteen miles south of the Red river . I worked there the greater part of two years . When I went to work in the still house , there was an old man that worked there , seventy - three years of age . He was head distiller . His name was Uncle Jerry . He , also , was a Negro and a slave . I worked under him for three months . He then died and at his death I became head distiller for Mr . Stancel . After I had worked for Mr . Stancel for two years there was a great excitement about Gen . Blunt 's army coming into Texas , at which Mr . Stancel and lots of others got scared and sold their plantations and run back into Texas . [ 9 ] - Mr . Stancel sold his distillery to a man by the name of Merit Brisko [ 10 ] and also his plantation and hired me to this Brisko to run the distillery as he had no one that could run it . I stilled for Brisko one year . By this time old man Stancel came back and took possession of his plantation again . Brisko then moved and had the distillery moved away down into Red river bottom . I went with him and helped him put up the distillery and then came back to Mr . Stancel 's . I left Brisko two weeks before my year was up . I stayed with Mr . Stancel the balance of this two weeks . Old man Stancel came to me one day and asked me if I was willing to stay with him another year . I told him I was . He said , " You , will have to go see Kalas Kook because he has charge of all you boys . " I asked him , " Where do Kalas Kook live ? " " He lives southeast of here seven miles . You may have my horse and see him and tell him that you are willing to stay with me and that I am willing to pay him as much a year for you as anyone else would pay . " In the meantime I will go back . Kalas Kook was a neighbor of this Bunor that owned me in Missouri . He started the year before us for Texas . He left part of his stock for Bunor to take care of . When Bunor came to Texas he hunted up Kalas Kook and gave him charge of all his slaves which he had hired out . Then Bunor went back to Missouri and enlisted in the Rebel army and got killed at Pea Ridge . [ 11 ] I thanked Mr . Stancel and took his horse and went to do my errand . Kalas Kook was at this time sick in bed . He said to me , " You have been at Old Stancel 's long enough , by . You can 't stay there any longer . I have hired you to Jones . " " My boss said that I could stay with Mr . Stancel as long as I stayed in Texas . " " It don 't make a bit of difference what your boss said . I 'm your boss now . I have hired you to Jones and when your time is up at Stancel 's I want you to go to Jones . " " Look a here , Mr . Stancel says that he will give you as much a year as any man . " " It don 't make any difference what Stancel says . You have got to go to Jones . You recollect that I am your boss now . You have got to do as I want you to . Jones don 't want you to do hard work . He wants you to be a wagon boss to make them keep things up right . " " Well , that is just what I don 't want to do . " " It don 't make any difference what you want to do . I have hired you to Jones and you must go there . He is going to start to Galveston in three weeks and he wants you to be there to be boss over the other Negroes to make them keep things up . " " Well , I must be getting back . " " Goodby , don 't forget to go to Jones when you time is up . " As I went to go his wife got up and followed me down to the gate and said , " Now , Larry , don 't pay any attention to what Mr . Kook says . He is cross to us all now . He talks worse to me than he has to you this morning . " At this we shook hands and parted . " Don 't forget to come and see us before you go to Jones ' . " I told her that I would not and that was the last time I ever saw her . When I got home Mr . Stancel came out and said , " Well , Larry , how did you make it ? " " Well , I did not make it at all . Kalas Kook is a fool , I believe . " " What did he say ? " " I told him what you said and he said I had been at Old Stancel 's long enough and that he had hired me to Jones and that I was to go there when my time was up here . " " Did you tell him that I would give him as much as anyone else ? " " Yes , I did . " " Well , I can 't help you then , Larry , if he won 't let you stay , because he has charge of all you boys , and I am sorry of that . " At this he walked into the house and I went on to the stable . There I met Tom , a cousin of mine . Tom before this , had been at me to start north and I had refused to go because it was very dangerous to go through the Indian Territory at that time because old Gen . Muculler [ McCulloch ] , [ 12 ] the rebel general that was tenting at Bonum had made a treaty with the Indians that they should not let anyone through the Indian Territory , white or black , without a pass from him . He gave the Indians $ 100 a head for everyone they caught going north and the Indians were watching day and night to catch the Negroes and whites that dared venture . [ 13 ] I had told Tom of all this but he answered , " Well , now , Larry , I did not think you would be such a coward for there is some get through once in a while and we would stand as good a show as some of them that do get through . " " Why , Tom , you don 't know nothing about this . There were eighty - odd white men started through all of them well armed and got way down to Boggy Depot [ 14 ] on their road to Fort Smith and then the Indians run onto them one morning and killed a whole lot of them and even captured the captain of the band , and out of all the eighty only twenty - eight got through to Fort Smith . The Indians brought all the rest back that they did not kill , and turned them over to Gen . Muculler and the home guards there and received their $ 100 a head . " " Well , I don 't know anything about that , Larry . I would rather die than stay here in Texas . We would stand as much chance as some that do get through . " As I rode up to the stable , I says to Tom , says I , " Tom , I am all ready now to go north , if you want to . " " What got you in the notion all at once ? " " I have been over to see Kalas Kook . When Bunor left here he left us in care of Kalas Kook . He never said anything about that to me . He told me when he left me at Old man Stancel 's that I could stay with him until the war was over , or as long as I stayed in Texas . He then went and put us in the hands of Kalas Kook , one of the meanest men there ever was in Missouri . He has hired you and me to Jones and says when our time is out here we must go over to Jones because Jones is going to start south in about three weeks and I tell you , Tom , I am going to die before I go . " " Hurrah for you , Larry . I am glad to hear you talk that way . I 'm with you . When will we start ? " " Our time is out in two weeks and if we are going to go then will be our chance . " " Well , I tell you , Larry , I 'm glad that Kalas Kook has stirred you up and whenever you say start , I 'm ready . " " Now , Tom , I tell you what we have got to do . We have got to try to lay up some provisions to travel on . We have got two weeks now to gather it up in . So when our time is out , instead of going south we will go north . But , Tom , we want to talk about this a little . There is no use for us to start unless we are determined to go through or die . Now the first thing that we have got to make up our minds to is this : That we will travel only in the night and not in any roads because you know that the Indians are as thick as bees over there and Old Price 's army - what 's left of it - are all along Red river [ 15 ] and maybe we can 't get through anyway . " " Yes , Larry , that would be the best thing for us to do and I am going to work saving up something for us to eat as fast as ever I can . " " Tom , I am going to show Kalas Kook that I am not going to do as he says . I would a great deal rather die in the Indian Territory than do what he wants me to do . " " Hurrah for you , Larry . I feel just that way myself and if you had listened to me we would have been in the Union army long ago . " " We had better stop talking because someone might hear us . " Our two weeks passed off and Old man Stancel came out and said , " Now , your time is out and just as soon as you get ready you go over to Jones just as Kalas Kook said . Larry , I hate awful bad to give you up but if Mr . Kook won 't let you stay we can 't help it . " " Yes , sir , Mr . Stancel , I am sorry that Kalas Kook is a fool myself . I always knew that he was the meanest man in Missouri anyhow , and I don 't know what my master left us in his hands for . He never told me that he was going to do that when he left here . If he had I would have talked against that you bet . " " Yes , it is a bad thing but we can 't help it . " " Well , it is about time that we were starting . " " Here , " Mrs . Stancel said , " Larry , I am sorry that you can 't stay with us , and if you ever get back from the south I want you to come and see us . " " Yes , mam , I will do it . " Then we said goodby and started out , not south as they think , but north . We traveled and got to the Red river that night but not in time to cross before day and so we had to lay in Red river bottom all day . We could hear the Indians and Price 's men yelling up and down the river but we kept Very quiet until night . Then we built us a raft and rafted across the river into the Indian Territory . [ 16 ] We traveled on that night into the Territory . Tom was very brave before we left Old man Stancel 's . After we got into the Indian Territory his courage failed him . He had always been a great talker . After we got into danger he kept lagging behind , sometimes as much as a hundred yards , and he being way behind me I would say , " Here , Tom , what are you doing way back there ? Come with me . " " Oh yes , I am coming , " he would say and run up beside me , but in a few minutes he would be way behind again . We traveled on until daybreak then concealed ourselves . We found that we were only about a hundred yards from some old Indian shanties , and there we laid the rest of the day . We could hear dogs barking all around us and making a great noise . The next night we started out again and I suppose that we had gone about two miles that night when a terrible big cloud came over in the west and darkened everything so we had to stop traveling . It commenced raining and rained all night . It was so very dark that all Tom and I could do was to stand up beside trees . It was so dark that we could not see each other two feet apart . As it began to get light we commenced to hunt for a place to hide that day . We found what we thought would be a good place but , when it cleared off , we found ourselves right in the heart of a big In village . The dogs were barking and the chickens were crowing , and we were very uneasy all day and was Very glad when night came that time . As soon as it got dark enough for us to make a move we struck out again but it commenced clouding up again before sunset . Just as we got to traveling nicely this heavy cloud had got over again and made it so dark in that big timber that we could not see and it went to raining again and continued raining all night . We found ourselves surrounded by Indians again the next morning . We hid ourselves the best that we could and so we laid up that day in misery , longing to see another night . As soon as it got dark enough we tried to travel again but fate followed us and it clouded up again , and went to raining . Tom began getting very much out of patience . Now , of course , the next morning we were not very far from the place we had stayed the day before . We were both wringing wet and had been for three days . It seemed that during those three days that it would clear up every day and cloud up and rain every night . Tom said , " Look here , Larry , we shall never get through this way . Why , just think , we have been here three days and we are not more than three miles from the river and everything that we have got to eat is soaking wet . " " Well , well , Tom , we can 't help that . It ain 't going to do for us to travel in the day time . " " Well , as long as it keeps clouding up this way we can 't travel in the night either and if we keep laying around this way we will get caught anyhow . " " Tom , you know what our agreement was before we left Texas , that we would do no traveling in the day time and travel in no roads but keep in all the woods that we could . " " Yes , I know that was our agreement but don 't you see that it keeps raining every night and that we can 't travel . " " Well , what are we going to do about it ? " " We can try and travel a little every morning when it is early . " " Tom , I don 't think that will do at all . Whenever we attempt that I think we will be captured . " " If we keep staying here we shall be captured + anyhow . I think it would be a good plan to travel a little in the morning but it is just as you say about it . " " But I don 't like it at all . " And so we started off . It was daylight and we traveled about half a mile through the big heavy timber . It was very foggy but after awhile it cleared off , and in passing along there was a great big fellow stepped out from behind an old oak tree . He said , " Good morning , gentlemen . Are you traveling ? " Tom , said , " Yes , sir . " Tom stopped and talked with him . I got about two hundred yards ahead of Tom while he was talking with that fellow . By this time it had cleared off and the sun was shining bright . I looked to my right and I was within a hundred yards of an old Indian shanty . Tom then stopped talking and run and caught me . I said , " Tom , what do you think of that fellow ? " " Oh , he is all right . " " What ! Do you think that he is all right ? " " Yes , he is all right . There is a lot of them going to start out next Saturday night and besides that he says that we are on the right road . " " Well , I tell you , Tom , that I don 't like the looks of that fellow at all . " And so we traveled on until we got down to a creek where there was a little brush and a few scattering trees . I sat down on an old stump and Tom got down on his knees beside me and commenced telling me what this fellow had said to him . While we were talking there were two Newfoundland dogs came running right in between us and stopped right in front of us . I turned around and saw to my sorrow that we were surrounded by Indians . The Indian captain rode up in front of us and cried , " Whope there , boys . We 've got you . " Tom hollowed out , " Yes , sir . " " You boys going to give up ? If you are , lay down your arms and march out this way . " And he waved his hand to signal the way we should go . Tom unbuttoned his belt and threw down his pistol , knife and all and started off . By the way , we both had on U . S . belts . After he had got ahead five or six steps I started after him . I had my pistol and knife on me . I did not throw them down and by this they thought I had none . I had on a very long frock - tailed coat which covered them up . They marched us up to the house that we had just passed and while we were marching along I got it into my head that I might in some way save my pistol . Tom and I were marching side by side and the Indians following us and talking as fast as they could in their own tongue . I thought that I might have a chance to get away from them yet and I had a very fine revolver . In case that I did get away , I wanted to save it so I thought that I would try to slip it out of my belt and drop it in the grass there , so if I got away I could come right there and find it . I took hold of it and had just got it out of my belt and there was an old Chaktauh [ Choctaw ] right behind me . I heard him say in a gruff voice , " Take your hands out of your bosom . " I looked behind me and he had his old rifle leveled at my head . I dropped my pistol and walked on but they saw it fall and one of them got down from his horse and picked it up and it created a terrible jabbering among them . They marched us up to the house and gave us something to eat , such as they had : a little corn bread , sour milk and beef . After we had eaten they commenced searching us and put chains on us . They got some old Mexican silver dollars from me and from Tom they got some Confederate scrip . After searching us they marched us into the house and guarded us day and night . For about a week they kept us chained together and kept our hands chained so we could scarcely use them to eat . They would take turns watching us . They kept us in a room with a little turning and the door locked . One would set half of the night and then the other would come . If there ever was a time that I wanted to die , then was the time . The Indians would pour in to see us and have their big dances . For about two weeks I was sullen and saucy to the Indians . One night when they were having a big dance and lots of stray Indians were there , it seemed as if half of them were drunk . They had got whiskey somewhere . There was one of them got to jumping around and run to Tom and said , " You , d - - - - - - you , trying to get to the Yankees . " Tom just looked at him and smiled and did not say anything and so the Indian came over to me and said , " You tried to get to the Yankees , too . " I jumped up from my seat and said , " You are a liar , sir . " At which the Indian jumped back from me and the guard jumped and grabbed his gun and said , " Hold on , hold on ! " and raised his gun on me . I looked at him and hollowed out to him to shoot and not stand there and talk about what he was going to do . " Shoot . " He put his gun down and said , " Oh ! I know how you feel but the easier you can be the better it will be for you . Yes , I know how you feel because I have been there myself . " what a time he had when he was captured by the Yankees . I was in hopes when he raised his gun that he would shoot me but he surprised me . I had become crazy mad and death would have been acceptable . They kept us chained together for nearly two weeks and after that they took the chains off of our hands and let us have separate chains on our legs in the day time but at night they would chain us together again with a big log chain , one end of it chained to one of Tom 's legs and the other chained to one of my legs . This would be done every night at bed time and then we would carry our separate chains in the day time . They would guard us around all day . One day about a week after I had been taken prisoner this black fellow that had betrayed us came into the room where we were sitting and said , " Good morning , gentlemen . I expect that you men think that I told on you , but I didn 't . The children told on you . They saw you passing by and went and told . I didn 't do it . " And so he went on talking with Tom . I never spoke to him . I felt more like killing him than talking with him . He talked and laughed with Tom for awhile then he went out and then the Indians came in . There were no Indians in the room while he was there . They were using him for a spy . After his visit we could see him running around but he did not come in to see us Very often . I have seen the Indians running around outside striking this spy over the head with their revolvers and he telling them in the Indian language to quit striking him , and I used to wish that they would shoot him . One day they sent this spy whose name was Moses into the forest to get a load of rails and they sent me with him . I was willing to go with him because I was tired sitting around in the house . When we got down into the woods he commenced a great conversation about the Indians . He kept telling their nature or rather he claimed to be . He said to me , " Look a here , man , if you all want to get away from here why if you just start out east over here , why there is a terrible big forest and there is no man that can ride through it . And if ever you could get in there you would be safe . The Indians would never follow you in there . " I said that I had run off enough . I wished that I hadn 't started away from home , that my object was to get back to Missouri . I left Texas because I did not like it and I wanted to get back home . He said , " If you boys want to get away you just want to go out that way . " I said , " No , I like this country and I believe that I will stay here . It puts me in mind of Missouri . " He said , " This is a pretty country , sure . " And of course I agreed with him and he talked on , but I said no more . We went back to The Indians mostly lived on corn bread . They had little steel mills fastened up to trees where they ground their corn for each meal . After we were given separate chains we were put to work grinding their corn in these little mills . One day Tom and I were grinding there . I said , " Look a here , Tom , we have started and I haven 't given up yet . If we can get the least chance let us start off again . " Tom said , " Larry , don 't you know that we can 't get away from these Indians ? " " I tell you , Tom , if I ever get the least chance , I am going . " Tom said , " If you ever make a move from here I believe that they will bring you back . Don 't you see that they have those Newfoundland dogs here yet and that old dog looks as if he knew about as much as a man . " " Yes , I know that , but if I ever get a chance , I 'm going . " " Well , if you think that you can , get away and go , but I believe that those Indians will bring you back . " So Tom and I stopped talking . I was satisfied that Tom was whipped and that he would never try to get away , and so I made no more talk with him on that subject . I was determined that the first chance , however small , I would try to get away and as I have said , I was very stubborn and mulish with those Indians . Tom got so he would laugh and talk with them and by being so he got more privileges than I did . He could remove the chains from his legs and run foot races with the Indians and slip them on again . On the other hand , mine were so tight that they made my legs sore . I saw that Tom had so much more liberty than I did that I commenced getting uneasy , thinking that he might get away before I did and I knew that if he did get away that I never could . I resolved to change my action and act friendly with the Indians . I commenced talking and laughing with them although it was nothing but a forced laugh . I saw that it was having considerable effect and that gave me courage and so I pitched into talking in earnest . The Indians commenced getting Very much attached tome . Before this they would watch and follow me every time thPANTLE : A KANSAS FREEDMAN 355 might come to the gate , but after a little they got so that they did not come out of the house so I took advantage of this and got one of those old hatchets . When I went out into the woods one time I took it with me and laid it by a big oak tree and hurried back and went into the house and commenced laughing and talking to the Indians . Tom nor the Indians had no idea what I had done . I felt more like laughing at the moment than I had since I had been in prison . Although I had my chains on I felt as though I was free and from that hour I commenced watching my chance to get away . Time went on and I kept talking and gaining the confidence of the Indians as much as possible . There was a great deal of rain at that time . After I had been there nearly four weeks the Indians were having a big dance and that night there came up a terrible big rain storm . The thunder and lightning is terrific in those mountain countries . The Indians were having a big time in the house . Tom seemed to be enjoying it very much with his chains on but they did not any of them know what was in my head . The Indian that was guarding that night was a Cherokee . His name was Niel Bean . He was setting back clapping his hands and laughing and the Indians were talking in their own tongue when I jumped right up in the excitement and I ran over to this guard and said , " Look a here , I want to step out awhile . It is raining awful , but I want to go . " He said , " Well , go ahead but hurry back . " He went on with his talking and I stepped out into the rain and hurried off down to my tree where I had left my hatchet . It was very dark but I found my tree and hatchet where I had laid it . There was a lapring inside of the lock where it went around my leg . I caught up my hatchet and opened that lapring and took the chain off from me and threw it , lock and all , as far as I could . When I started this time it was pouring down and the lightning was cracking around through the mountains and it looked like the whole mountain was covered with water . I ran as fast as I could through the brush and I had got about four miles east the way this black fellow had told me to go and instead of striking that great timber that he had told me about I struck a big prairie and before I got there the clouds had broke away and the moon shone bright . When I stepped out of the timber I could look all east of me and I could see nothing but prairie as far as I could see and that was that great forest that black fellow told me about . When I came out I could see no timber ahead of me . I started out into the prairie in a southeasterly direction . When I had gone about two hundred yards from the timber I heard horses ' feet striking the stones a little south of me . I supposed there was a road over there and somebody traveling along the road and so I laid down and tried to catch a glimpse of who it was but I could not see anyone . I got up and changed my course and started in a northeast direction . I was on a big hill . I went down this hill to the head of a little creek . After I had got about half of a mile from the place where I had laid down I looked back on the big hill and I saw the Indians coming over the hill on horseback and I made up my mind that I was a goner . Here I was out on this great prairie and there wasn 't a tree standing here , and not enough timber to amount to anything . I knew that it was no use to run because I had nowhere to run to . There was a little patch of hazel brush a little ahead of me . I suppose that there was about an acre of it . I went into this . I went to the south side of it . By this time the Indian and his dogs were about two hundred yards behind me and so I just laid down in the edge of this patch of brush . When the dogs got in about a hundred yards of me they left my tracks and went down into the center of this patch of brush but the Indian kept a straight course and stopped his horse right by my side . By this time the dogs were making the brush crack just behind me and this Indian was setting on his horse so close to me that I was afraid he would step on me . He was looking over into the brush with his gun acrost his knee . All at once he hollowed , " Oh yes , Larry , come out . " The dogs were working to the east side of the patch so the Indian struck out expecting to see me run out on that side and the dogs came out and took a long circle southeast of me , the Indian following them . When they got about two hundred yards from me I crept down the bank of the creek and waded down the creek until I got to the mouth where it emptied into a little river . I crossed that river that night and traveled on down the north side the balance of that night . Day caught me way down the river , I don 't know how far , but at not a very good place to conceal myself . I got to a patch of sumac brush and thought I would hide myself there that day but my mind bothered me so that I could not stay there so I jumped up and went back up the river about a quarter of a mile where the banks were very high and steep and got under thePANTLE : A KANSAS FREEDMAN 357 and there that Indian was on his horse , the same that I had seen the night before . The dogs had passed and I did not hear them . He was looking ahead at the dogs which had gone down to the sumac patch . As soon as he had got far enough away so that I dared to move I got down into the water and traveled up the river about a hundred yards . When I got up the river apiece I come to some willow bushes that grew over the water and I got down under those bushes in the water . In a few minutes I was surrounded by Indians on both sides of the river . I could see them walking and riding up the river , looking into the drifts . The bank of the river , where I was , was nearly straight up and down and about twenty feet high . I could hear the horses ' feet on the high bank and the Indians driving on their dogs . On the other side I could see them running around bareheaded with their guns , looking in the brush piles after me and once in awhile looking across the river at the Indians in front of me . I happened to look up the river and there was the same old Indian that I had seen the night before standing about a hundred feet from me looking , as I thought , straight at me . I felt sure that he saw me . He was so close that I could tell that he had my revolver in his belt . I fell back with my head against the bank up to my neck in water expecting to hear him hollow , but , as good luck would have it , he undoubtedly did not see me as he made no noise . I was very careful not to raise my head from under those bushes that day . All day I could see the squaws riding with the rest , hunting for me , and so I laid there all that night and next morning I saw that the Indians were around there , if anything , a little thicker than the day before . I saw them riding and driving their dogs until about three o ' clock . I stuck to my hiding place until about twelve o ' clock the second night when I heard a lot of big gray wolves howling around and I took it for granted that there were not any Indians close so I ventured to come out on the opposite side of the river . I traveled down the river about a mile then crossed the river and struck out for the mountains north . I got to the mountains just as day was breaking and went to hunting me a hiding place . I found a place that I thought would do for I had made up my mind that I would not try to travel in day time again . I was about as uneasy in the mountains as I had been the day before in the water because I was right close to a lot more Indians . The dogs were a barking about a hundred yards from me and I was afraid they would get onto my track and run onto me again . I made out to stay there that day but I was very glad when night came once more and as soon as it got dark enough for me to travel I struck out again and got to Pine mountains about midnight and traveled a little ways into the mountains . This made four days that I had not had anything to eat . When I went into the water the first day I had about two hands - full of corn in my pocket and I laid in the water until the corn sprouted . I put my hand into my pocket to get some of it and there was sprouts on it half an inch long . The night that I got to Pine mountains the moon was shining bright and the mountains did look very pretty . I stopped and sat on an old log to rest a little . While I was sitting there I heard a terrible noise ahead of me and in a minute out came a big deer and after it came a big black wolf . When the deer got to me it changed its course and went to the north but the wolf kept coming right toward me . I sat there and looked at him until he had got within a few yards of me and then I raised up and threw a stone at him and hollowed . When I threw the stone at him he just raised up and stood on his hind feet . The moon was shining bright and he just glistened and looked like a black pony . I went to laughing and he got down and went running back as fast as he could . I sat there a little while and then I started on again . I reached the highest part of Pine mountains that night . I found out that I had , got away from the Indian settlement from the sound of the chickens crowing , which seemed a good ways off . I made up my mind that when I saw so many wild animals running around so thick that there could not be many Indians near . So I struck out to travel in the day time again . Before this I had not traveled any in the day time but had laid by until night . My object was to keep in all the heavy timber that I could and to keep out of all roads . I went down into the bottom that day between the Pine and Oak mountains . I had got into some heavy timber and struck a due north course . Before I had been traveling northeast . This timber was very thick and the first thing that I knew I came to a road . I heard Indians talking and when I peeked out I saw some Indian soldiers . This was on the Fort Smith and Bog [ g ) y Depot road . [ 17 ] If I had been two or three minutes sooner I would have been caught again for I would have run right into their arms . I dived my head in until I thought that they were far enough past for me to come out then I run across the road and struck out as fast as I could for the Oak mountains north , which was about a mile from there . The Oak mountains were higher than the Pine mountains and it was hard work for me to climb on account of the stone which was very large . As I was going up the mountain I heard something rattle the leaves and when I looked I saw that it was a centipede . It was about sixteen or eighteen inches long . It was brown and had a hard shell . It had two rows of legs with sharp claws . I had my stick on him and it coiled up onto it and the way it made the splinters fly was a sight . I held it with my stick until I mashed its head with a stone . I went on up the mountain until I reached the top . I got upon a large stone and could look back the way I had come . I saw a lot of cattle between the two mountains with the Indians herding them . While I was there I thought that I would take off my coat and dry it , and try and get rested as I thought that I was safe . I examined my corn that was in my pocket . By this time I commenced to be very hungry . I took the corn out of my pocket and it had all grown together and the sprouts were about three inches long . I thought that I would lie down and rest but I could not do it . While I was sitting there , there was a big drove of wild turkeys came up , and I looked at them pretty wistfully , but I could not ketch one for my strength was almost gone not having anything to eat for five days except a little of this sprouted corn , and besides I had not had any sleep since I started out , but I jumped up and put on my coat and started out north over the mountain . I traveled on , the most of that day , in the mountains . I thought that I would travel day and night now . That day I got out of that tier of mountains and crossed to another tier . That night following I got very sleepy . As I was going over the mountain there was a large ledge of stone and a little after sundown there was a very large catamount jumped out from behind a pile of stone . The mountain was Very steep where he jumped out . As he came out he jumped on a large round stone and set it to rolling down the hill after him , and though I was Very hungry and faint I just laid down and rolled and laughed to see that catamount and stone rolling down the hill . The catamount probably thought it was I coming after him . But it was fun , I can tell you . I went on . In about three hours after that there came up a very dark cloud . It got so dark up in the mountains that I could not see to travel . I came to a place where the leaves were piled up very thick and I thought that I would lie down there and rest . When I lay down on the leaves I felt something moving under me and I got up quick too , I can tell you . I have an idea that it was either I stood up by a tree . It rained for about two hours . After it ceased I started down the mountain . Of course I was wringing wet and had been since I had left prison . I got out of the mountains into a valley a little before day , and I got so terrible sleepy that I thought I could not go any farther without sleeping . The mosquitoes were very thick there . I concluded that I would lay down and cover my head with bushes so that I could sleep a while . So I went to work and broke a lot of bushes and covered my head . I laid down by a tree . My object was to keep the mosquitoes off while I was sleeping . I got my head covered up and got to dozing off a little when I heard some leaves rattling not far from me . It sounded like someone walking . This noise kept getting closer to me all the time so I threw the bushes off my head and behold it was a big wolf . He had got within a few rods of me and was looking at me . If I had raised up probably he would have jumped on me , but I hollowed at him . He just trotted around me but did not appear to be any ways excited . I got up and went to traveling again because I saw that it would not do for me to lay there . Not long after this day commenced to break . That day about three o ' clock when I was traveling through the woods I run on to another Indian shanty . I came within a hundred yards and looked and I saw an old Indian sitting on the fence with his back to me . He seemed to be looking into the house so I struck out north because I was afraid that he would turn around and see me . I traveled on the balance of the day and the next day I crossed the Canadian river . I was walking with a stick when I crossed the river . It was near waist deep and stony bottom . While I was crossing a terrible fish came tumbling over the stones , nearly as big as I was . After I got across the river I could not travel more than a quarter of a mile without sitting down and resting . I kept on that way until I got to Norfork [ North Fork Town ] . [ 18 ] The day that I got to Norfork I found a lot of wild hogs and cattle . [ 19 ] There was not anyone there or anyone within fifty miles . It was at that time a deserted Indian village . [ 20 ] There were even wild dogs there . I hunted up my quarters . The winter before the Union soldiers had their quarters there so I was lost . I did not know where I was . There was a large building there and I took that for my quarters . This building was the largest house that was in the town . The floor was covered with paper . I expected to die there because I did not know where I was . I laid around on the paper and would sometimes walk out a little piece . I was getting very weak then . I could not walk more than ten steps without resting . Every night the large wolves would come into town and run all the other creatures out . When they would come they would sound just like a brass band . I was completely lost for my aim had been , when I left Texas , to go to Fort Smith . I had been at Fort Smith before but being captured by the Indians had got me lost . After I had been there two days I commenced thinking that I might ketch one of those wild hogs for they had got to coming into the houses to sleep to protect themselves from the wolves . I picked out a house to ketch one in . This house had been a smoke house . I went there and fixed a door so that I could fasten in my hog , if I got it . I went there morning after morning but there was nothing there . I was very near starved . Had not had anything to eat yet . One morning when I had nearly given up I thought that I would go and look anyhow , and when I got there , there was a big hog in the house . I fastened him up as quick as I could . I did not know how I was going to kill him and that was the next thing to study over . There was some large cannon balls laying around there . When I got that hog fastened up he was very courageous and so I was in a study how to kill him . I looked like a poor object to try to kill him because I was almost a skeleton . I got a couple of those ten pound cannon balls and thought that maybe I could knock him down standing outside of the door . I threw one of them and hit his nose and made it bleed and also made him mad . So I threw again and it was like the first . It made him still [ more ] furious . I saw that I could not do anything with him that way so I thought of some other way to kill him . I got inside of the house where the hog was . been used to hang the meat on . I thought that I would take one of these and knock him down . While I stood on the bed the hog got back as far as he could so I made up my mind that I must kill him and not let him get away . I took my stick and got down off the bed . I went walking up toward the hog with the stick in my hand . I struck him across the nose and he throwed up his head and went for me . There was a center post in the room and I backed behind that . When the hog came , instead of hitting me , he hit the post . When he struck the post he wheeled around and run under the bed and I followed him up and fastened him in with a board . When he got under the bed it was so narrow that he could not turn around . I thought , at this , that I had done a big thing . I then sat down to rest before I could kill him . While I was there I found an old axe that had been used for a meat axe and also the half of a case knife . I took this old axe and knocked off a couple of boards from the top of the bed so I could get at the hog . He was wedged in there so close that all I had to do was to hammer him in the head until he was dead . After I killed him the next thing was how I could get him out of there . Before I attempted to get him out , of course , I must have a fire . In this house where I was staying General Blunt had had his headquarters . [ 21 ] As I have said there was lots of paper there . I went to hunting for some matches and I found three so I went to strike up a fire . I tried two matches and neither of them would burn but the last match struck fire and so I built up a fire . With the case knife I stripped off a piece of the hog 's skin from his ham and cut off a piece of meat about as large as the palm of my hand . I drove up a couple of sticks and hung up a little piece of meat over the fire . I took one bite , for you may be sure I was too near starved to wait until it was done . Taking one bite nearly killed me for it felt like a rock in my stomach . It was three hours before I could take another bite . I worked until I got my hog skinned and cut up and out from under the bed and barbecued , as the Indians call it . I cut it up , the hams and shoulders , and barbecued or cooked it by means of hanging it up over the fire on my two poles . I then took it to the house I was staying in and left the rest for the wolves to eat . The house that I had took for my quarters was a very large well - finished house with cupboards and pantries . It was a story and a half high and had been a very fine house . I expected to die there . I made a bed of paper and every night I had plenty of music because the wolves were so very thick . I expected to live on the hog that I had killed as long as I could . I was so weak and low that I could only eat a little at a time and it would be two or three hours before I . could eat any more . Every day I could eat a little more and the third day after I had killed the hog , early in the morning , I heard a hog squealing out south of the house . I jumped up as fast as I could and went to see what was the matter . When I got where I could see , I saw that it was a lot of wolves killing a hog . By the time I got there they had him dead and all his innards out . I drove the wolves away . The young ones run as fast as they could but the old ones were very stubborn about giving up their hog . They backed off Very slow and sat within a few yards while I was taking some of the meat . I cut off one ham and carried it back to the house . As I left the hog the wolves came up to get what was left . After I commenced to eat I became weaker . I got so weak the third day after I got something to eat that if I was lying down I could scarcely , get up . I continued getting weaker for four days and then I commenced to gain a little . After I had gained strength I commenced trying to walk out a little . In the beginning I could not walk more than twenty yards until I had to set down and rest a good deal longer than it took me to get there and then I would get up and go back to the house . While I was in Norfork there was a very fine greyhound that got very gentle to me and would lay at the door of the house where I stayed . There were a lot of dogs there but they were all Very wild but this one . I used to feed him some of my meat once in awhile . I was in Norfork twelve days before I got strong enough to leave . There was a very nice spring in town . I used to take my stick and walk out there and get a nice cool drink of water . After I got strong enough to think of moving on I walked out a quarter of a mile and turned and came back without resting . I concluded to start the next day . I took off a pair of drawers and took them down to the spring and washed and dried them . I tied the legs of the drawers together and put in each leg some of the meat I had barbecued . The next day when I started I saw a dim old road leading north . It was where the army had been traveling . [ 22 ] I did not know where I was but I wanted to go north so I started . With the meat flung over my shoulder and my stick in my hand I started out on this road . I tried to get that dog to follow me but he would not leave town . I traveled about twenty - five miles that day . About dark I happened to get to an old log house on the prairie and I stayed there all night . Next morning I got up and struck out on this old road . I traveled all the next day and about sundown I looked ahead of me and saw some heavy timber so I hurried up as fast as I could , Very curious to see what it was . I got there about dark and right in the edge of this timber was a large house . It looked like there had been a battle there because the house was all shot to pieces . I stayed in that house all night . Way in the night I heard bells ringing and chickens crowing and I was wondering all night where I could be . Next morning I made up my mind that I would find out . I did not know whether I was out of danger or not but I knew if I wasn 't I never would be , so started out down the timber . When I got about a quarter of a mile I came to a big river . All up and down the river were Indians , fishing , hunting and running around . When I got within about two hundred yards of the river I saw an Indian woman running a skiff across the river to the side I was on . She got to the bank long before I did and got out . I made right for the boat . She saw that I was going for the boat and turned and jumped into it again . I got there just as she got into the boat . I asked her to let me ride with her but I soon saw that she could not understand . She was a Creek Indian woman . I made motions to her and she beckoned for me to get in . She rowed across right at the mouth of the Grand river where it emptied into the Arkansas . On the other side there was a lot of Indians with guns and pistols . She rowed right up among them . I got out of the boat and shook hands with the Indians . I told one of them that I ' wanted some breakfast and I found out that he could not talk English either . I then made signs to him and he motioned to me to follow him and so I went with him up into the woods a piece and I got into a big Indian town . I found out that I was in the Union lines . The Indian took me to a little shanty and he told them that I wanted some breakfast . The old lady and two girls went to getting my breakfast . They wanted to talk with me but they could not talk English . I was anxious to talk too , but I could not so they hurried around and got breakfast . They were at this time drawing rations from the government and they got up a good breakfast 28 The old man motioned to me to sit up to the table and we sat and ate all together . The old lady sat at the left - hand side of me and the old man at the right of me . I noticed that there were two cups of coffee by my plate , one on each side . The old lady was very anxious to keep my plate well filled . They had biscuits and coffee and meat . I ate some bread and meat and drank nearly a cup of coffee . I stopped and sat back in my chair . The old lady got up and shook me and pointed to the other cuWhen we got to town I found that Col . Phillips ' headquarters were there . [ 25 ] Of course there was a large crowd gathered around me . At headquarters there was a tall slim light - complected young man that talked with me principally . He questioned me about the South . At last he asked me if I wanted to work . I was standing there leaning on my stick and I said , " I am not able to work . " He said , " Oh , I know that you are not able to work but all I have got for you to do is to take care of two horses , to rub and curry and feed them . I suppose that you can do that , can 't you ? " " Yes , sir , I can do that . " " Well , do you see that little house up yonder ? " " Yes , sir . " " You go up there and you will find a woman there . Stay there until I come . I will be there at noon . " So I went to the house and stayed until noon . He came in and sat down beside me and asked me about my trip . I told him , to which he replied , " Well , you had a hard time . As I said , I have got two horses that I want you to take care of , and if you will stay here as long as I do I will give you ten dollars a month and your board . " I told him that I would do it . " Yes , and if you will stay with me until I get my men all mustered out and I get paid off I am going up to Kansas . I have a claim up there and if you will go with me and work for me , when you get able to work , I will raise your wages . " " Yes , sir , I will do it . " So Luke Parsons , [ 26 ] for that was his name , jumped up and said , " Well , I guess you want some clothes , don 't you ? " " Yes , sir , but I haven 't got any money . " " Oh , I know that you haven 't got any money but you come down town with me and I will get you some clothes . " And so we went off down town and into a store and he walked up to the storekeeper and said , " Let this man have what he wants . " And he turned to me and told me to call for what I wanted . I picked me out an $ 18 . 00 suit . He said , " Is that all you want ? " " Yes , sir , that will do for the present , I guess . " He then said , " Go back and take care of the horses . " And so I took the horses and attended to them . About this time I commenced to have a very bad cough , so bad that I could not sleep at night . Luke Parsons asked me if I did not want some medicine . I told him that I did and he gave me some money and told me to go to the hospital doctor and get what I needed . He also told me to ask for money whenever I wanted it . I thanked him and told him that I would , but that I was afraid that I could never pay it back to him again . . " That don 't make any ' odds , just ask and you may have it . " I stayed at Fort Gibson over three weeks and took care of the horses . When they got through mustering out the men Luke Parsons and I started to Kansas . We stopped one day and rested at Fort Scott . About this time my cough got so very bad I had to let another Negro that had come from Fort Gibson drive the horses while I laid back in the wagon . The next day I was a little better and I took the team myself . We came through Council Grove . We came on up to Salina and stopped on the east side of the river . We got to Salina the 15th day of July , 1865 . When we got there the river was so high that we could not cross so we camped on the east side of the river until it was low enough for us to cross . [ 27 ] There were two hundred soldiers stationed there to keep the Indians out . [ 28 ] When I saw the smoke coming out of the ground I did not know what it meant . I asked Mr . Parsons what that meant and he told me that they were dugouts . Says I , " What is a dugout ? " and he told me that there was where people lived . I was very anxious to get across the river to see one of these dugouts . The river kept up about three weeks . At last we got the soldiers to take our baggage across and we swam the team . One of the horses wouldn 't swim and she came very near drowning . We got her to the bank at last but she was sick for two or three months . We went up into Salina and Luke Parson had a little house there . Luke walked ahead up to the house and told us boys to come on and here was some Missouri rebels using his house for a laundry . There was a girl washing in there by the name of Delphine Lythe . Luke said , " Why , how do you do , Delphine . I have got a couple of boys here and I want them to stop in this house . " " Yes , Mr . Parsons , what did you bring them niggers here for ? We don 't want to mix with niggers . " " Nobody wants you to mix with Negroes . If you will let them alone they won 't hurt you . " " Well , we don 't want to mix with niggers . " " Well , you needn 't mix with them unless you want to , " and then he walked off . I drove up and unharnessed and waited for Delphine to get out of the house . It was getting along toward night and my horses were straying away . There was a lot of soldiers playing and fooling with her while she was washing and the sun was going down and we wanted to get our baggage into the house . We were sitting out there on the wagon when Simon says , " She is not as afraid of Negroes as she makes out to be . " " No , she is not half so afraid as she makes out or she would have been out of there hours ago . " The sun was going down and she was still fooling with the soldiers while we were waiting for her to get out of the house . I said , " I am going up to the house and ask her to let us bring our baggage in . It looks as though she was going to stay there all night . " So I walked up to the house and said , " Look a here , we would like to bring our baggage in here if you could make room for us . " She turned around and said , " All right , all right , I will get out . " I walked back to the wagon and she was in there half of an hour longer . I believe that she went and lied on me and told the folks that that big nigger had drove her out of the house . She would have got me into trouble but there happened to be another family that disputed this . The next morning there was one of the soldiers came down to the wagon where we were . He was drunk . He said , " You are my friends . I like you . " While he was there down came a red - headed Irishman and said , " Come out from among . . . niggers . Come out from niggers anyway , " and he ran up and took the soldier by the shoulder ' and went on swearing at a terrible rate so Simon said to me , " Larry , I be doggoned if I am going to stay here , " and I said , " I am going to die right here because I have run enough . " After the Irishman had gone , Luke came . He said , " What ! Boys , are they going to run you away from here ? " " Yes , sir , it looks as if that is what they want to do . " He said , " Larry , I should think that you had run far enough anyhow . " " Yes , so I thought too , Mr . Parsons . " Luke said that I was right in standing my ground . " Don 't you let them do it . You have got as much right as they have . " Mr . Parsons went to town and we boys went down the river to make some rails . We got some out and put up a dugout east of Salina and went there to live . Luke raised my wages after we went on the claim , from $ I0 to $ 30 a month . After I had stayed with him for two months he wanted to hire me for the year . I hired to him for $ 20 a month with board and clothes . I stayed with him for thirteen months and then I left him and came to live with Mr . Robinson . [ 29 ] Simon stayed with Mr . Parsons six months after I left , then he went over on the Saline and hired out , and the last I heard of him he went down to the Indian Territory . I worked for Mr . Robinson for three years , off and on , and then I got into the notion of taking me a claim and making a home for myself . [ 30 ] When I came to Salina 1 . B . F . Robinson was born in Mt . Vernon , Maine , April 27 , 1832 . He came to Kansas in 1858 , settling first in Junction City , a year later in saline county . On October 7 , 1861 , he enlisted in the sixth regiment Kansas Volunteer cavalry and served until November 19 , 1864 . After being mustered out Mr . Robinson returned to Mt . Vernon and was married there , March 23 , 1865 , to S . Adelaide Smith . The couple lived near Salina for five years and then moved to a farm two miles east and two miles south of present Assaria , Saline county . He died in Salina , August 5 , 1909 , at the home of his daughter , Mrs . C . H . Harne . - Salina Evening Journal , August 6 , 1909 ; Report of the Adjutant General of the State of Kansas , 1861 - ' 65 ( Topeka , 1896 ) , p . 183 . 5 . A branch of the Lapsley family migrated from Virginia to Kentucky in 1795 . Samuel was the son of a Presbyterian minister , Joseph B . and Sallie ( Lapsley ) Lapsley , his second wife . There were two children : Margaret , who married a Taylor and moved to Texas , and Samuel who married Mary Bronough . His widow resided in Pleasant Bill , Mo . , in 1904 . Neander M . Woods , The Woods - McAfee Memorial . . . ( Louisville , 1905 ) , pp . 129 , 130 . 6 . The name evidently should be William Bronough . Samuel Lapsley married Mary Bronough and William Bunor is described as his brother - in - law . See Footnote 5 . 7 . Another reason for the removal of slaves from Missouri was the fear that they would escape or be stolen and taken into Kansas which had been admitted into the Union as a free state on January 29 , 1861 . In Cass county , which adjoined Kansas on the west , this danger would be especially great . - Hildegarde Rose Herklotz discusses this problem in her article , " Jayhawkers in Missouri , 1858 - 1863 , " in The Missouri Historical Review , Columbia , v . XVII , No . 4 ( July , 1923 ) , pp , 505 - 513 , and v . XVIII , No . 1 ( October , 1923 ) , pp . 64 - 101 . 9 . According to Lapsley 's calculation , this would have been during the latter part of 1865 . On August 22 , 1863 , Maj . Gen . James G . Blunt , with orders to " obtain possession of all the Indian territory to the Red river , " set out from Fort Gibson . He penetrated the Indian territory as far as Perryville in the Choctaw nation and then turned and went east into Arkansas . The War of the Rebellion : a Compilation of the Official Records of the Union and Confederate Armies , 1880 - 1901 ( hereafter referred to as Official Records ) , series I , v . XXII , Pt . I , pp . 597 , 598 . 10 . The name probably should be spelled Briscoe . There was a man by that name living near Bonham in 1865 . - T . M . Scott to stand Watie , February 1 , 1865 , in Edward Everett Dale and Gaston Litton , Cherokee Cavaliers . . . ( Norman , Okla . , 1939 ) , p . 211 . 12 . Brig . Gen . Henry E . McCulloch was in command of the Northern Sub - district of Texas with his headquarters at Bonham . - Official Records , Series I , v . XXVI , Pt . II , p . 188 . 13 . Considerable research has failed to verify this statement . Annie Heloise Abel makes no mention of it in her carefully documented volumes , slaveholding Indians , " although she does say that the Choctaws and Chickasaws , allies of the South , were extremely hostile towards the blacks during the latter part of the war . General McCulloch experienced much difficulty with deserters so it is possible that he made some sort of agreement with the Choctaws for the return of his men captured in their territory . It is not likely that he offered them $ 100 a head . The North , which was considerably more affluent than the south , paid bounties ranging from $ 5 to $ 30 for the return of deserters . - Annie Heloise Abel , The American Indian Under Reconstruction ( Cleveland , 1925 ) , p . 272 ; Ella Lonn , Desertion During the Civil War ( New York , 1928 ) , pp . 221 , 222 . 14 . Boggy Depot , Chickasaw nation , was used during the Civil War as a supply station for the Confederate army in that region . site of the town is in present Atoka county , Oklahoma . 15 . Gen . sterling Price , following his raid in Kansas and Missouri in 1864 , retreated south through Arkansas and the Indian territory into northern Texas . According to the diary of one of his men , Lt . Col . Lauchlan A . Maclean , Gen . Prices army was in the vicinity of the Red river in November , crossing it November 22 on the way to Bonham . - Official Records , series I , v . XLI , Pt . I , p . 642 . 16 . The territory at this point was part of the Choctaw country . The Choctaws had concluded a treaty with the Confederate states on July 12 , 1861 . Slaveholders themselves , they were more in sympathy and remained more loyal to the south than any tribes of the territory who had made similar treaties . In the latter years of the war the Choctaw nation became the home of thousands of Secessionist refugees from the more northerly tribes who had largely reverted to the Union cause . With the exception of occasional raids by the Union troops , the nation was controlled throughout the war by the Confederate army who were dependent , for the most part , upon this region for supplies of grain and beef for the Trans - Mississippi Department . - Statutes at Large of the Provisional Government of the Confederate States of America ( Richmond , 1864 ) , pp . 311 - 331 ; Abel , op . cit . , p . 11 ; Report of the Commissioner of Indian Affairs . . 1865 ( Washington , 1865 ) , pp . 252 - 260 ; Official Records , Series I , v . XXXIV , It . II , p . 858 . 18 . North Fork , commonly called North Fork Town , was in the Creek nation . It was located on the North Fork of the Canadian river near its juncture with the Canadian . The present town of Eufaula , Okla . , is near the site of the old Indian village . 19 . During the latter years of the war the Canadian river bottoms became a refuge for wild animals . This was due to the abandonment of livestock by the Indiana who had been forced to leave their homes and to the absence of hunters in this section . - John N . Edwards , Shelby and His Men . . . ( Cincinnati , 1867 ) , pp . 463 , 464 . 20 . There are records of Union soldiers having passed through North Fork Town but it is doubtful whether they maintained headquarters there for any appreciable length of time . There was never , at any time during the war , a sufficient force stationed at Fort Gibson , held by the Union army , to sustain prolonged advances into the territory south of the Arkansas river . 21 . General Blunt , in his report to Maj . Gen . John M . Schofield from Perryville , Choctaw nation , August 27 , 1863 , speaks of capturing and destroying " quite a large amount of clothing " at the Confederate depot at North Fork Town . - Official Records , series I , v . XXII , Pt . I , pp . 597 , 598 . 22 . This was probably the Texas road . It extended south from Fort Gibson , crossed the Canadian river near North Fork Town , then proceeded south and west to Perryville and Boggy Depot . It was a busy thoroughfare during the 1840 's when emigration to Texas was at its height and was used for the transportation of troops during the Civil War . - Grant Foreman , " Early Trails Through Oklahoma , " Chronicles of Oklahoma , Oklahoma City , v . III , No . 2 ( June , 1925 ) , p . 117 . 23 . The Creeks living near Fort Gibson had been refugees in southern Kansas from 1862 until they were returned to the Indian territory in the spring of 1864 . They had arrived at the fort in June , 1864 , in a very destitute condition . Since it was too late to plant spring crops and their farms had been so thoroughly plundered by raiders from both armies , bushwhackers and guerrillas , they were forced to camp near Fort Gibson and to depend upon the government for every necessity . - Abel , The American Indian as Participant in the Civil War ( Cleveland , 1919 ) , pp . 79 - 89 ; Report of the Commissioner of Indian Affairs . . . 1864 ( Washington , 1865 ) , pp . 303 , 304 . 24 . Fort Gibson , founded in April , 1824 , was situated on the Grand river near its confluence with the Verdigris and Arkansas rivers . During early days it was a point of departure for exploration parties and after the Eastern Indian tribes had been moved into the Indian territory , it had become the usual place for negotiations with them . The fort was abandoned as a military post in 1857 but was reoccupied in April , 1863 , by Union troops under the command of Col . William A . Phillips . Fort Gibson remained the center of military operations in the territory during the remainder of the war and the country immediately around it became a refuge for loyalist Indians and Negroes from the South . It was finally abandoned in 1890 : - William B . Morrison , Military Posts and Camps in Oklahoma ( Oklahoma City , 1936 ) , pp . 28 - 47 ; Grant Foreman , " The Centennial of Fort Gibson , " in Chronicles of Oklahoma , Oklahoma City , y . II , No . 2 ( June , 1924 ) , pp . 119 - 128 . 25 . William Addison Phillips , a native of Paisley , Scotland , gained prominence in territorial Kansas as an Anti - slavery journalist and politician . He was one of the founders of the town of Salina in 1858 . He enlisted in the Union army in 1861 and when the Third Indian regiment was organized at Carthage , Mo . , September 16 , 1862 , he was commissioned colonel of the regiment . He was stationed at Fort Gibson from April , 1863 , until the regiment was mustered out of service May 31 , 1865 . He was in the congress of the United states from 1873 to 1878 . After his retirement he became special attorney for the Cherokee Indians , having become interested in their welfare while he was in command of Fort Gibson . - Dictionary of Arnerican Biography ( New York , 1934 ) , v . XIV , p . 548 ; Official Army Register of the Volunteer Force of the United States Army for the Years 1861 , ' 62 , ' 63 , ' 64 , ' 65 , Pt . VII , " Kansas " ( Washington , 1867 ) , p . 334 . 26 . Luke Fisher Parsons was born in Worcester county , Massachusetts , June 28 , 1833 . He came to Kansas territory m May , 1856 , resolved to stay until it had been admitted to the union as a free state . He became actively engaged in the struggle , fighting under John Brown at Osawatomie . He was one of ten men chosen by John Brown to accompany him on a venture which later proved to be the raid on Harper 's Ferry . The plan was long delayed and , when it materialized , several of the men , including Luke Parsons , had decided not to take part in it . He came to Salina in 1860 and took a claim near the townsite . During the early part of the war he served in the Sixth Kansas Volunteer cavalry but later was commissioned as first lieutenant in the Third Indian regiment . After the war he returned to Salina where he died April 23 , 1926 . - Luke Parsons , " Address at the Celebration of the Fiftieth Anniversary of the Battle of Osawatomie , " MSS . division , Kansas Historical Society ; Luke F . Parsons , biographical sketch in the Kansas Historical Society 's Twenty - fifth Biennial Report ( Topeka , 1927 ) , pp . 135 , 136 . 28 . A blockhouse was ordered to be built at Salina in June , 1864 . Troops were stationed there to protect the settlers from the Indians and to act as escorts for the emigrant trains . The Junction City Union for September 2 , 1865 , mentioned the issuance of an order abandoning all the military posts between Forts Riley and Larned . It is probable that the post at Smoky Hill crossing was included in that order . 30 . Lapsley made homestead entry January 12 , 1869 . It was necessary for him to contest " the right to enter of an adverse claimant to the land , one Henry C . Cutting . . who alleged settlement on the land September 27 , 1865 , under the preemption laws . A hearing who ordered held in the matter on January 12 , 1869 , before the rewas gister of the former District Land Office at Junction City , Kansas , at which time one Samuel Brown offered testimony to the effect that he lived within one mile of the land described for 2 1 / 2 years , that he did not know Henry C . Cutting and that no such person ever lived or improved the land which at that time was in an abandoned condition . " Since Cutting did not appear for the hearing Lapsley was allowed to proceed with the entry . He received a patent for the land February 20 , 1875 . - Letter from R . s . Clinton , chief , Patents Division , Washington , D . C . , July 14 , 1942 . |
This has been a very stressful week , and I don 't feel like I have accomplished very much . In truth I haven 't , but I am still wound up so tight . T is up to his eyeballs in work . I have not been able to see him all week , so I 'm lonely too . When the kids first moved out , it was not easy coming home to an empty house , but I found after a while I was really only there to sleep . I was going to K 's house every day after work to be with the kids . Now that I have been out of work for a little more than 2 weeks , I find it is not the night time that 's hard , it 's being there alone during the day that is hard . K is not in school all day , so there are some days that I go to her house just the hang out with her . I bring my computer and my books and do work there . Usually she is working on homework too , so it 's not really social , I just don 't want to be alone . I started studying for the GRE this week too . I am feeling a lot of stress about that . The stuff in there is not really that hard . That is for someone who is in school now . It has been twenty years since I last sat in a class room or had to take a test . My brain is so rusty , it is going to take a long time for me to re - learn all the general crap I forgot from college , or even high school . The score on this test will be important for me getting into school . My grades from college were not very good , well below the standards for this school . I 'm sure I will do well on the prerequisite classes I know I have to take . I 'm hoping they look more at these recent classes rather than 20 year old grades . T is confidant I can do it . I am really grateful for his support . Even though I have not seen much of him lately , I know he supports me nonetheless . That helps me a lot . K is very worried about the whole school thing . She is concerned about how we will make ends meet with my income more than cut in half . To be honest , I 'm worried about it too , but I just have to trust things will be OK . Bowling is still a lot of fun . I am meeting a lot of people , and everyone is very friendly . I 'm even getting used to the guy who dresses up . That 's all I have for now . I will be seeing T tomorrow . He is coming up to my house . I 'm super excited to see him , but of course I have come down with my first cold of the season . By tomorrow , I will feel awful . If someone told you there was a million dollars waiting for you in a bank and all you have to do it go and pick it up , you would be pretty excited . What if then you were told you it was in a bank 2 thousand miles away . Well , that 's a set back , but you could just hop in your car and head to the bank . What if then , you discovered you only have a half a tank of gas and because you have a much reduced income , you are not sure you can buy enough gas to make the trip . Then what ? Well , you are going to let this stop you , it will be difficult , but you know you can do it . You don 't really need much . If you adjust your lifestyle , maybe agree to take some cargo in your car , you will be able to get enough gas to get there . Hell , even if you had to walk or hitch hike across country you would do it . It might take a several weeks or months to get there , but you know you can do it . You are determined and the promise of the pay off would change your life . That 's all well and good if you are single person . But what if your not ? What if you have children ? You have to bring them with you to get the million dollars . That changes the equation , doesn 't it ? You can 't very well hitch hike with young children . It 's just not safe . If you were traveling by yourself you could sleep in a bus station or even outside . But if you are traveling with children , you can 't very well do that . You really want the million dollars . You know that you can make the sacrifices necessary to get you there . But what about the others who rely on you ? Can they make the sacrifice ? It goes beyond will they support you , of course they will . But you still have to support them . What happens if you can 't do that while you are traveling the road to the million dollars ? T has a large family . He has 3 brothers ( pictured above ) and 2 sisters that live nearby . He has 2 other sisters in California . In addition to his siblings and parents , there is a host of nieces & nephews and some of them have families . Saturday night there was a birthday party for one of his older nieces ( she is 30 ) and I got invited . It was on my calendar for months and was booked at a restaurant I had never heard of . I was late arriving at T 's house and I found his family had already left . He was waiting for me ( with some irritation ) when I got to his house and we left in his car . When we got there , I was surprised how swanky it was . It was way more formal than I thought it would be . We went down stairs to the private party room . It was kind of cool , it was actually part of the wine cellar , or at least it supposed to look that way . T and I sat next to each other at dinner which lasted several courses and a few hours . We chatted with his niece ( who was the birthday girl ) and her husband ( who is Caucasian ) most of the time since they were sitting across from us . There were several things about the evening were important to me . The first , I was there at all . His whole family was there including his mother 's sister , visiting from from Texas . His mother has not always been comfortable with T having a boyfriend . Three years ago , she would not have wanted me to be around at a family function so that her sister would not ask any uncomfortable questions . I did not detect any discomfort from her or anyone else . T 's niece and her husband were paying for this very fancy shin - dig . While they are both working , I know they are not making a lot of money . It was a lot for them , but they seemed happy to do it . During the conversation , they talked about setting up a future , but smaller family only event . When adding up the people would come they included me in that count . Another thing that was nice about the evening was , for a while , I was able to forget about my other stresses and just relax with the man I love . When dinner was over , T drove me back to his house , where my car was parked . I was pretty tired so I left to go home . Posted by I am going to do it . I am going to go back to school . I am going to learn to be a Physician Assistant . It will take me three and a half years . I will have to spend all my retirement savings , at least the part I get to keep after I split it with K ( which is not enough ) . I am pretty sure I can get unemployment for 2 years if I am in school , but I am not exactly sure how I will live after that . But I 'm going to do it anyway . I have been hearing from K and from T that everything is going to me OK . I am going to believe them , hold my breath and take a leap of faith . I think that K will be forgiving about the amount of money that I will give her for a while . We found out that once they are married , that K and the kids can be covered by AJ 's insurance . ( And he does not have to adopt my kids ) . T has volunteered to co - sign loans if I need him to and has assured me that he won 't let me become homeless . T is coming to see me tomorrow . I am not sure if he is coming alone or if he will bring Confucius with him . I am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow . I guess this is one of the advantages of being unemployed . Last night I went to see him after my son 's baseball game . It was very late when I got there . I was tired but it was worth it . We had some . . . er . . . let 's call it alone time that was pretty spectacular . When I parked my car and approached the reception desk . I gave the girl at the desk my name and she looked up and asked , " Have you been here before ? " Grrr Grrr . On another note , I am working hard to keep a positive attitude . I really am . Now with no job , it is ever harder for me to be at my house alone . I am trying to remember that it could be a lot worse . Rob from Below The Radar has made several comments over the past few days . It seems his divorce was VERY ugly and he was actively kept from his kids by his ex - wife . I cannot even imagine how hard that must have been for him and how painful that was for his kids . I am calling that out because I think that it is important that for all my difficulties , it could be a whole lot worse . I am grateful for K and her understanding and support . I am grateful for T and his love and support . I went to bowling tonight . The team we played against this week was friendlier than the team last week , so it was a lot more fun . I am getting to know my team mates better . The guy in the dress was not there this week . It was nice for a while to just have a little fun and not have to worry about all the turmoil in my life . All I had to worry about knocking down as many pins as I can . I did pretty well for me . 143 , 121 , 149 . I am leaning more and more toward the idea of not going back to work but to got to PA school . I had a text exchange with my mother this afternoons and it sounded like both her and my dad are thinking that it is a good idea . This , of course , is delighting T that they agree with him . I am still scared about how I will support myself , but T thinks that I should be able to get loans , even those that will cover living expenses . I am a little worried about paying back all these loans too . I will probably have to wipe out the little bit I have saved for my retirement , and making up that money while paying off large loans . After thinking about it , I am coming around to the idea . Besides , when it comes time to retire , with this education I could easily work part time at a hospital or doctors office , to make up in what I am missing in my 401K . Posted by There is so much change going on in my life right now I am feeling overwhelmed . After getting canned on Thursday , I had a sleepless night . I was up early on Friday . K has clinical on Friday 's and needs to be at the hospital so I had to go her house to get my little kids on the bus . I have been doing that for the past few Fridays , but this time after I watched their bus drive away , I realized that I really did not have anywhere to go . I went home , updated my resume and sent out several to some local companies . I went online and files my claim for unemployment benefits . ( Of course , they said they could not process it without having someone call me back . ) I ran a few errands , not because I really needed to , but because I had to get out of my empty and lonely house . It was one thing just to come back to the empty house to sleep , but now that I have no place to go during the day , I am spending longer hours in my empty house . By the end of the day Friday , K kind of made be realize that I was panicking and it was too soon to panic . After all I know that I have 9 weeks of severance and I can get unemployment so I will be OK , for a while anyway . Also I saw a lot more open positions that I thought I would . Then there is the question about whether I want to go back to work at all , but head back to school . It was all making my head hurt , so I took the weekend off from worrying about my situation . On Saturday I had planned to get up and head to the gym . I have not been to the gym in months and not I really have no time excuse anymore . I did not go though , because K called and said the kids wanted me to come for breakfast . She also mentioned that I had the eggs at my house and she needed them . Once I get to the house with the kids , it is really hard for me to leave . I ended up staying there until 3 : 30 when I left to head to T 's house . For more than a month , I have planned to attend an event where T would be singing . He has a wonderful and powerful voice and even though I don 't understand the words ( he sings in Vietnamese ) I love to hear it . I did record his song with my Blackberry , but it did not come out very well so I won 't be posting it . Again we did not have as much alone time as either of us would have liked , but I was just happy to be with him . Sunday was another day so spend with the kids . I went to church with K and all the kids . We had Lunch at K 's house before going to my house . I took the youngest kids to the pool at the local YMCA . Back to K 's for dinner and I put everyone to bed . I had a really good weekend . Now it 's nearly 2 : 00am as I am typing this . In the morning , I have a lot to do and I need to make sure I get up and get at it . As with so many things these days , I was wrong . This afternoon I was informed that my position was being eliminated and after 8 years of service I was unceremoniously shown the door . This has been a pretty bad month for me . My family has moved in with another man , and now I find myself , not only alone in my house , but now I have no job . I work in a pretty specialized field and while there are some improvement , the job market still sucks . T is pushing hard for me to attend Physician Assistant school . It 's a good idea , and let 's face it , with that , I would never have to worry about finding a job again for the rest of my life . On the other hand , it will require about 3 and a half years of school . It would be very difficult for me to hold a job and go to school at the same time . So while I agree it 's a good investment , I am not sure how I will support myself and the kids during that time . Right now I can 't ever think . I am so stressed out . The reality of my unemployed status is starting to hit me and it is so fucking overwhelming . I just don 't know what to do . As a rule , I don 't think I 'm needy . I do , however , place a high value on stability , and I don 't like it when things are in flux . Now , things are in flux like crazy . At work my department is going through a reorg that is taking WAY too long . My gay boss got demoted and now I have no boss . There are 2 new bosses , but my responsibilities are split between them . I know the job I currently have will be changing , but I don 't know how much . It is possible I may be assigned completely different responsibilities . There is even a chance , though I think small , I could get laid off . Over the past few years of upheaval at home , it was comforting to know that work was stable . Now , not so much . You know about the stuff that is in flux at home . I am starting to get used to being at home alone . I need to work on cleaning the house and making it a place that I actually want to come home to . The kids are adjusting to their new home and getting into the new routine . I know this all sounds like it is going well , and it is , but 15 years of constant parenthood is not so easy to let go of . The change is still very difficult for me . For example , last night I went to visit T at his house . I knew it would be a short visit . I was actually in the car driving there and back , longer than I was with him . On the way back I stopped at Wally World , to pick up a few things . As I walked around with my basket , I thought about how I was only shopping for me . I did not need a whole gallon of milk . The smaller box of cereal is enough . The more I thought about the more alone I felt and the more depressed I got . I know other men , gay and straight go through this . I know I will survive it , even though it really sucks now . I also know most men have a better support system . I have no friends aside from K and T . My family is very far away . I have no hobbies and I don 't play a sport . If it was not for this blog , I am not sure I would have any outlet at all . I am taking some steps . Bowling will help , at least I have a place to go every Monday night . Being with T helps a lot , but he is so busy it is difficult for us to find quality time together . I just have a hard time being alone . T says I should be happy about the good things I have . He says I want everything , right away and that 's not realistic . He is probably right ( he always is ) , but I just can 't help how I feel . I know this sounds whiny , but that 's where I am right now . Tonight was the first night of gay bowling and I had a really good time . It turns out the guy in the dress is a pretty good bowler . I 'm going to bed soon , so I 'll write more later . My sister reads this blog and while she does not comment publicly , I often get private messages about things I write . As expected , last nights posting drew a comment , specifically the one listed above . She also pointed out that going back into the closet was not really an option . So with the drama of last night behind me , I spent most of the day with K and the younger two kids . After my daughter 's softball game we did some shopping . All day long we talked about them sleeping at my house tonight . Because K works on Sunday , they will spend the bulk of tomorrow with me as well . After out running around , we all went to K 's house for dinner ( hell , yeah , I will let her cook ) and to pack over night bags . After dinner we ( the kids and me ) piled into my minivan and headed to my house . We set of sleeping bags for everyone and then got everyone to sleep . As I am typing this , I am in my very quiet house . I am feeling at peace . There are 4 separate pieces of my soul in the upstairs bedrooms fast asleep . Before I head off to bed , I need to thank T for loving me as much as he does . We were supposed to go out tonight . It had been planned for several days now . After the meld down from yesterday , I was able to work out a " do over " wit the kids tonight . As much as I know we wanted to see me , he did not bat an eye , but said only , " kids first " when I sent him a text saying I would not be able to come to his house this weekends . I am sitting at a picnic table at a park near K 's house . My daughter is playing in a softball game . K is helping coach the pitcher . I am watching my youngest son as we plays on the playground . My older boys are at a friends house playing Xbox . I am feeling calm now . Calm compared to my meltdown last night . BTW , I really appreciate all the words of support from my Blogger friends . It really helps me . Last night K told the kids I was feeling sad . My oldest son called to check on me around 11 : 00 before he went to bed . I 'm not sure I 'm happy she did that . Especially for the younger kids , I don 't want them to think they are responsible for my happiness . That is not their problem , it 's mine . I am seriously thinking it would have been better to remain in the closet . Especially considering I had a really good marriage . Things were not perfect , but it was not really that bad . I had my family with me . The kids were supposed to have a sleep over tonight . Both little kids had baseball / softball and my middle son had a school dance . K was having a date night with AJ , so I had to go the ball field and shuttle back and forth to the dance ( which I didn 't mind doing ) . By the time I got done with all of that it was getting late . The little kids were watching a movie . The older kids when up to their room . No one seemed very interested in going to my house a 10 : 00 to sleep on the floor . K got back from her date night and I had had all I could handle . I quickly said good night and left her house before the tears started flowing . It was hard to drive home . It had been a long time since I had been sobbing like this . I remember that a long time K told me there is a price for everything . There is a price to staying in the closet and playing the straight life . There is a price to coming out and upending your family . Today I have learned the full cost of coming out . It seems over the past year I have been lulled into a false sense of security . I was bamboozled into thinking that I could let my family move into another man 's house and I would be OK with it . I was so taken in by my own press , that even encouraged other men to come out to their wives . This morning my kids got on their new buses in front of their new house . I heard from K in the morning when the last one drove away as she was herself heading to school . After work I stopped at the grocery store to get a few things for my house and a couple of things that my kids have asked for . I went over to K 's house . My youngest son saw me pull up and he came out to meet me . My daughter said " Hi daddy ! " but did not look up from her xbox game . I guess things are getting back to normal for her . K and AJ and having some minor difficulties , that I am not going to get into here . K has been talking to me about it , and like a good gay BFF , I have listened and offered support . Some of the difficulties could impact my kids , and I have only offered advice on things that will impact the kids . The fact that she is talking to me about these things makes me feel better that my relationship with her is still strong . I wonder if it because I am afraid that AJ will take my place . After all , he is living with my family . I may talk more about my thoughts on that another day . I drove to see T . He was still at work , but finishing up . I drove him home where his mother had made a delicious dinner of beef , noodles and veggies . I stayed for dinner , but he had a bunch of home work to do and I was getting so I drove home . Of course it is always good to see him , but neither of us got the quality time we would have liked . Sigh . . . As I write this , I am sitting in K 's kitchen with her and AJ . She is working homework from her nursing school . AJ is reviewing a presentation for his job . I am writing this with my Blackberry Playbook tablet . I just finished putting my kids to bed and K has a meatloaf in the oven . I 'm hanging out to eat and then I will go home . Today I cleaned out the master bedroom at my house , where K used to sleep , and I moved my bed in there . While I was working most of my kids were at my house . My younger 2 were downstairs watching TV and the older one was cleaning out his old room . None of them were actually in the room with me or helping me , but I was so happy they were in the house . I even sent T a text telling him how it made me happy . I know there are some , maybe many , gay men who simply walk away from their families . They abandon their wives . They walk away from their kids . How the hell do they do that ? I have been in my house for 2 nights ( tonight will be 3 nights ) without my kids and it 's driving me crazy . In fact , I am starting to think being a single dad would be preferable . All that said , I think I feel better today . Having the kids at my house today helped a lot . As I was putting the younger two kids to bed , I ask both of them if they had a good day . Both hugged and told be that had . I was afraid they might say being at my house was boring , but they didn 't . All that made me feel a lot better . In my core , I really am a family man . Lately I have been thinking about the cruelness of God for having made me gay . It has been a long time since I have wished for the " straight pill " that would turn me into a regular guy . A regular husband and a regular father . Oh well , life 's a bitch , ain 't it ? While my house is even quieter tonight ( the dog went to K 's house night ) I do not feel quite as bad tonight as I have , though I still have a long way to go . Many nights I stay up late after everyone else has fallen asleep . After I put the kids to bed and I am sure they are all fast asleep . After K and I have said our good nights , I stay up . Sometimes I watch TV , or surf the net , or maybe even download a little porn . One thing I like about staying up later is how quiet the house is . There is so much action here all the time , it can be draining . The quiet rejuvenates me . As much as I enjoy the quiet , I always knew my family was here . They were right there in the house . If they needed me , I could be there in an instant . If I needed them , they would be there for me too . Tonight , after a busy day of moving , I am up late and the house is quiet . Tonight , however , it is different . Tonight it 's quiet because I am all alone . There are no kids sleeping in their beds down the hall . K is not in her room across the hall , snoring gently . I am alone in the house . Actually , as I think about it , this is the first time in my life I have lived alone . There was one semester in college when I had a single room , but in a dorm , are you ever really alone . Now I am alone . There is no one I can say , " are you ready to go home ? " to . No one thinks of my house as home anymore , except me . As depressing as this sounds , I know absolutely what I am doing is the right thing . I know it is best for K to be with a straight man . I know it is best for me to live my life as I am , not as I have pretended to be . I know , in time , I will get used to being alone . I also am working hard to make opportunities to meet people so that will help . . . eventually . Tonight K started to bring clothes and some things to the new house . I made dinner for the kids . Then I made something else for me , K & AJ . After her second load , K left to spend the night at AJ 's house while I was getting my daughter out of the tub . As I tucked her in to bed , like I have almost every night for the past 7 years , she hugged me longer than she usually does . She said to me , " When we are moved , you will be here with . . . just you . " I told her that it was going to be OK and that she could sleep over at my house anytime she wanted . I think that made her feel better . This is Labor day weekend . It is the official end of summer . People get together together with their family and friends for the last BBQ of the summer . Mine will be somewhat different this year . K and AJ closed on their new house this morning . They will be moving in over the weekend . First AJ will move his stuff . The K will move hers and the kids . Finally , I will be getting some stuff from AJ 's house that will become mine . I don 't know if they will finish all of that this weekend or not , but I 'm sure they will try . I have been talking about the day that K and I will finally live in different places almost from the beginning of this blog . I have known for a long time that it would come , but I think in the way back of my mind , I never thought it would happen . I thought K would always be there ( even though now it seems we are never home at the same time ) and what 's more , I thought my kids would always be there . Whether they get everything moved this weekend or not , I don 't know . But there is one thing I am sure of . By Monday , I will be sleeping alone in my empty house . I am gay man in his 40 's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman , who is still my very best friend . We have 4 children together . She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids . T : My ex - boyfriend . We were together from 2008 to 2013 . He is still an important person in my life . AJ : K 's new husband . They got married December 2011 . Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet . I believe , in good faith , that they are either public domain , or my non - commercial use falls under fair use guidelines . If , however , you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it , please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible |
This has been a very stressful week , and I don 't feel like I have accomplished very much . In truth I haven 't , but I am still wound up so tight . T is up to his eyeballs in work . I have not been able to see him all week , so I 'm lonely too . When the kids first moved out , it was not easy coming home to an empty house , but I found after a while I was really only there to sleep . I was going to K 's house every day after work to be with the kids . Now that I have been out of work for a little more than 2 weeks , I find it is not the night time that 's hard , it 's being there alone during the day that is hard . K is not in school all day , so there are some days that I go to her house just the hang out with her . I bring my computer and my books and do work there . Usually she is working on homework too , so it 's not really social , I just don 't want to be alone . I started studying for the GRE this week too . I am feeling a lot of stress about that . The stuff in there is not really that hard . That is for someone who is in school now . It has been twenty years since I last sat in a class room or had to take a test . My brain is so rusty , it is going to take a long time for me to re - learn all the general crap I forgot from college , or even high school . The score on this test will be important for me getting into school . My grades from college were not very good , well below the standards for this school . I 'm sure I will do well on the prerequisite classes I know I have to take . I 'm hoping they look more at these recent classes rather than 20 year old grades . T is confidant I can do it . I am really grateful for his support . Even though I have not seen much of him lately , I know he supports me nonetheless . That helps me a lot . K is very worried about the whole school thing . She is concerned about how we will make ends meet with my income more than cut in half . To be honest , I 'm worried about it too , but I just have to trust things will be OK . Bowling is still a lot of fun . I am meeting a lot of people , and everyone is very friendly . I 'm even getting used to the guy who dresses up . That 's all I have for now . I will be seeing T tomorrow . He is coming up to my house . I 'm super excited to see him , but of course I have come down with my first cold of the season . By tomorrow , I will feel awful . If someone told you there was a million dollars waiting for you in a bank and all you have to do it go and pick it up , you would be pretty excited . What if then you were told you it was in a bank 2 thousand miles away . Well , that 's a set back , but you could just hop in your car and head to the bank . What if then , you discovered you only have a half a tank of gas and because you have a much reduced income , you are not sure you can buy enough gas to make the trip . Then what ? Well , you are going to let this stop you , it will be difficult , but you know you can do it . You don 't really need much . If you adjust your lifestyle , maybe agree to take some cargo in your car , you will be able to get enough gas to get there . Hell , even if you had to walk or hitch hike across country you would do it . It might take a several weeks or months to get there , but you know you can do it . You are determined and the promise of the pay off would change your life . That 's all well and good if you are single person . But what if your not ? What if you have children ? You have to bring them with you to get the million dollars . That changes the equation , doesn 't it ? You can 't very well hitch hike with young children . It 's just not safe . If you were traveling by yourself you could sleep in a bus station or even outside . But if you are traveling with children , you can 't very well do that . You really want the million dollars . You know that you can make the sacrifices necessary to get you there . But what about the others who rely on you ? Can they make the sacrifice ? It goes beyond will they support you , of course they will . But you still have to support them . What happens if you can 't do that while you are traveling the road to the million dollars ? T has a large family . He has 3 brothers ( pictured above ) and 2 sisters that live nearby . He has 2 other sisters in California . In addition to his siblings and parents , there is a host of nieces & nephews and some of them have families . Saturday night there was a birthday party for one of his older nieces ( she is 30 ) and I got invited . It was on my calendar for months and was booked at a restaurant I had never heard of . I was late arriving at T 's house and I found his family had already left . He was waiting for me ( with some irritation ) when I got to his house and we left in his car . When we got there , I was surprised how swanky it was . It was way more formal than I thought it would be . We went down stairs to the private party room . It was kind of cool , it was actually part of the wine cellar , or at least it supposed to look that way . T and I sat next to each other at dinner which lasted several courses and a few hours . We chatted with his niece ( who was the birthday girl ) and her husband ( who is Caucasian ) most of the time since they were sitting across from us . There were several things about the evening were important to me . The first , I was there at all . His whole family was there including his mother 's sister , visiting from from Texas . His mother has not always been comfortable with T having a boyfriend . Three years ago , she would not have wanted me to be around at a family function so that her sister would not ask any uncomfortable questions . I did not detect any discomfort from her or anyone else . T 's niece and her husband were paying for this very fancy shin - dig . While they are both working , I know they are not making a lot of money . It was a lot for them , but they seemed happy to do it . During the conversation , they talked about setting up a future , but smaller family only event . When adding up the people would come they included me in that count . Another thing that was nice about the evening was , for a while , I was able to forget about my other stresses and just relax with the man I love . When dinner was over , T drove me back to his house , where my car was parked . I was pretty tired so I left to go home . Posted by I am going to do it . I am going to go back to school . I am going to learn to be a Physician Assistant . It will take me three and a half years . I will have to spend all my retirement savings , at least the part I get to keep after I split it with K ( which is not enough ) . I am pretty sure I can get unemployment for 2 years if I am in school , but I am not exactly sure how I will live after that . But I 'm going to do it anyway . I have been hearing from K and from T that everything is going to me OK . I am going to believe them , hold my breath and take a leap of faith . I think that K will be forgiving about the amount of money that I will give her for a while . We found out that once they are married , that K and the kids can be covered by AJ 's insurance . ( And he does not have to adopt my kids ) . T has volunteered to co - sign loans if I need him to and has assured me that he won 't let me become homeless . T is coming to see me tomorrow . I am not sure if he is coming alone or if he will bring Confucius with him . I am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow . I guess this is one of the advantages of being unemployed . Last night I went to see him after my son 's baseball game . It was very late when I got there . I was tired but it was worth it . We had some . . . er . . . let 's call it alone time that was pretty spectacular . When I parked my car and approached the reception desk . I gave the girl at the desk my name and she looked up and asked , " Have you been here before ? " Grrr Grrr . On another note , I am working hard to keep a positive attitude . I really am . Now with no job , it is ever harder for me to be at my house alone . I am trying to remember that it could be a lot worse . Rob from Below The Radar has made several comments over the past few days . It seems his divorce was VERY ugly and he was actively kept from his kids by his ex - wife . I cannot even imagine how hard that must have been for him and how painful that was for his kids . I am calling that out because I think that it is important that for all my difficulties , it could be a whole lot worse . I am grateful for K and her understanding and support . I am grateful for T and his love and support . I went to bowling tonight . The team we played against this week was friendlier than the team last week , so it was a lot more fun . I am getting to know my team mates better . The guy in the dress was not there this week . It was nice for a while to just have a little fun and not have to worry about all the turmoil in my life . All I had to worry about knocking down as many pins as I can . I did pretty well for me . 143 , 121 , 149 . I am leaning more and more toward the idea of not going back to work but to got to PA school . I had a text exchange with my mother this afternoons and it sounded like both her and my dad are thinking that it is a good idea . This , of course , is delighting T that they agree with him . I am still scared about how I will support myself , but T thinks that I should be able to get loans , even those that will cover living expenses . I am a little worried about paying back all these loans too . I will probably have to wipe out the little bit I have saved for my retirement , and making up that money while paying off large loans . After thinking about it , I am coming around to the idea . Besides , when it comes time to retire , with this education I could easily work part time at a hospital or doctors office , to make up in what I am missing in my 401K . Posted by There is so much change going on in my life right now I am feeling overwhelmed . After getting canned on Thursday , I had a sleepless night . I was up early on Friday . K has clinical on Friday 's and needs to be at the hospital so I had to go her house to get my little kids on the bus . I have been doing that for the past few Fridays , but this time after I watched their bus drive away , I realized that I really did not have anywhere to go . I went home , updated my resume and sent out several to some local companies . I went online and files my claim for unemployment benefits . ( Of course , they said they could not process it without having someone call me back . ) I ran a few errands , not because I really needed to , but because I had to get out of my empty and lonely house . It was one thing just to come back to the empty house to sleep , but now that I have no place to go during the day , I am spending longer hours in my empty house . By the end of the day Friday , K kind of made be realize that I was panicking and it was too soon to panic . After all I know that I have 9 weeks of severance and I can get unemployment so I will be OK , for a while anyway . Also I saw a lot more open positions that I thought I would . Then there is the question about whether I want to go back to work at all , but head back to school . It was all making my head hurt , so I took the weekend off from worrying about my situation . On Saturday I had planned to get up and head to the gym . I have not been to the gym in months and not I really have no time excuse anymore . I did not go though , because K called and said the kids wanted me to come for breakfast . She also mentioned that I had the eggs at my house and she needed them . Once I get to the house with the kids , it is really hard for me to leave . I ended up staying there until 3 : 30 when I left to head to T 's house . For more than a month , I have planned to attend an event where T would be singing . He has a wonderful and powerful voice and even though I don 't understand the words ( he sings in Vietnamese ) I love to hear it . I did record his song with my Blackberry , but it did not come out very well so I won 't be posting it . Again we did not have as much alone time as either of us would have liked , but I was just happy to be with him . Sunday was another day so spend with the kids . I went to church with K and all the kids . We had Lunch at K 's house before going to my house . I took the youngest kids to the pool at the local YMCA . Back to K 's for dinner and I put everyone to bed . I had a really good weekend . Now it 's nearly 2 : 00am as I am typing this . In the morning , I have a lot to do and I need to make sure I get up and get at it . As with so many things these days , I was wrong . This afternoon I was informed that my position was being eliminated and after 8 years of service I was unceremoniously shown the door . This has been a pretty bad month for me . My family has moved in with another man , and now I find myself , not only alone in my house , but now I have no job . I work in a pretty specialized field and while there are some improvement , the job market still sucks . T is pushing hard for me to attend Physician Assistant school . It 's a good idea , and let 's face it , with that , I would never have to worry about finding a job again for the rest of my life . On the other hand , it will require about 3 and a half years of school . It would be very difficult for me to hold a job and go to school at the same time . So while I agree it 's a good investment , I am not sure how I will support myself and the kids during that time . Right now I can 't ever think . I am so stressed out . The reality of my unemployed status is starting to hit me and it is so fucking overwhelming . I just don 't know what to do . As a rule , I don 't think I 'm needy . I do , however , place a high value on stability , and I don 't like it when things are in flux . Now , things are in flux like crazy . At work my department is going through a reorg that is taking WAY too long . My gay boss got demoted and now I have no boss . There are 2 new bosses , but my responsibilities are split between them . I know the job I currently have will be changing , but I don 't know how much . It is possible I may be assigned completely different responsibilities . There is even a chance , though I think small , I could get laid off . Over the past few years of upheaval at home , it was comforting to know that work was stable . Now , not so much . You know about the stuff that is in flux at home . I am starting to get used to being at home alone . I need to work on cleaning the house and making it a place that I actually want to come home to . The kids are adjusting to their new home and getting into the new routine . I know this all sounds like it is going well , and it is , but 15 years of constant parenthood is not so easy to let go of . The change is still very difficult for me . For example , last night I went to visit T at his house . I knew it would be a short visit . I was actually in the car driving there and back , longer than I was with him . On the way back I stopped at Wally World , to pick up a few things . As I walked around with my basket , I thought about how I was only shopping for me . I did not need a whole gallon of milk . The smaller box of cereal is enough . The more I thought about the more alone I felt and the more depressed I got . I know other men , gay and straight go through this . I know I will survive it , even though it really sucks now . I also know most men have a better support system . I have no friends aside from K and T . My family is very far away . I have no hobbies and I don 't play a sport . If it was not for this blog , I am not sure I would have any outlet at all . I am taking some steps . Bowling will help , at least I have a place to go every Monday night . Being with T helps a lot , but he is so busy it is difficult for us to find quality time together . I just have a hard time being alone . T says I should be happy about the good things I have . He says I want everything , right away and that 's not realistic . He is probably right ( he always is ) , but I just can 't help how I feel . I know this sounds whiny , but that 's where I am right now . Tonight was the first night of gay bowling and I had a really good time . It turns out the guy in the dress is a pretty good bowler . I 'm going to bed soon , so I 'll write more later . My sister reads this blog and while she does not comment publicly , I often get private messages about things I write . As expected , last nights posting drew a comment , specifically the one listed above . She also pointed out that going back into the closet was not really an option . So with the drama of last night behind me , I spent most of the day with K and the younger two kids . After my daughter 's softball game we did some shopping . All day long we talked about them sleeping at my house tonight . Because K works on Sunday , they will spend the bulk of tomorrow with me as well . After out running around , we all went to K 's house for dinner ( hell , yeah , I will let her cook ) and to pack over night bags . After dinner we ( the kids and me ) piled into my minivan and headed to my house . We set of sleeping bags for everyone and then got everyone to sleep . As I am typing this , I am in my very quiet house . I am feeling at peace . There are 4 separate pieces of my soul in the upstairs bedrooms fast asleep . Before I head off to bed , I need to thank T for loving me as much as he does . We were supposed to go out tonight . It had been planned for several days now . After the meld down from yesterday , I was able to work out a " do over " wit the kids tonight . As much as I know we wanted to see me , he did not bat an eye , but said only , " kids first " when I sent him a text saying I would not be able to come to his house this weekends . I am sitting at a picnic table at a park near K 's house . My daughter is playing in a softball game . K is helping coach the pitcher . I am watching my youngest son as we plays on the playground . My older boys are at a friends house playing Xbox . I am feeling calm now . Calm compared to my meltdown last night . BTW , I really appreciate all the words of support from my Blogger friends . It really helps me . Last night K told the kids I was feeling sad . My oldest son called to check on me around 11 : 00 before he went to bed . I 'm not sure I 'm happy she did that . Especially for the younger kids , I don 't want them to think they are responsible for my happiness . That is not their problem , it 's mine . I am seriously thinking it would have been better to remain in the closet . Especially considering I had a really good marriage . Things were not perfect , but it was not really that bad . I had my family with me . The kids were supposed to have a sleep over tonight . Both little kids had baseball / softball and my middle son had a school dance . K was having a date night with AJ , so I had to go the ball field and shuttle back and forth to the dance ( which I didn 't mind doing ) . By the time I got done with all of that it was getting late . The little kids were watching a movie . The older kids when up to their room . No one seemed very interested in going to my house a 10 : 00 to sleep on the floor . K got back from her date night and I had had all I could handle . I quickly said good night and left her house before the tears started flowing . It was hard to drive home . It had been a long time since I had been sobbing like this . I remember that a long time K told me there is a price for everything . There is a price to staying in the closet and playing the straight life . There is a price to coming out and upending your family . Today I have learned the full cost of coming out . It seems over the past year I have been lulled into a false sense of security . I was bamboozled into thinking that I could let my family move into another man 's house and I would be OK with it . I was so taken in by my own press , that even encouraged other men to come out to their wives . This morning my kids got on their new buses in front of their new house . I heard from K in the morning when the last one drove away as she was herself heading to school . After work I stopped at the grocery store to get a few things for my house and a couple of things that my kids have asked for . I went over to K 's house . My youngest son saw me pull up and he came out to meet me . My daughter said " Hi daddy ! " but did not look up from her xbox game . I guess things are getting back to normal for her . K and AJ and having some minor difficulties , that I am not going to get into here . K has been talking to me about it , and like a good gay BFF , I have listened and offered support . Some of the difficulties could impact my kids , and I have only offered advice on things that will impact the kids . The fact that she is talking to me about these things makes me feel better that my relationship with her is still strong . I wonder if it because I am afraid that AJ will take my place . After all , he is living with my family . I may talk more about my thoughts on that another day . I drove to see T . He was still at work , but finishing up . I drove him home where his mother had made a delicious dinner of beef , noodles and veggies . I stayed for dinner , but he had a bunch of home work to do and I was getting so I drove home . Of course it is always good to see him , but neither of us got the quality time we would have liked . Sigh . . . As I write this , I am sitting in K 's kitchen with her and AJ . She is working homework from her nursing school . AJ is reviewing a presentation for his job . I am writing this with my Blackberry Playbook tablet . I just finished putting my kids to bed and K has a meatloaf in the oven . I 'm hanging out to eat and then I will go home . Today I cleaned out the master bedroom at my house , where K used to sleep , and I moved my bed in there . While I was working most of my kids were at my house . My younger 2 were downstairs watching TV and the older one was cleaning out his old room . None of them were actually in the room with me or helping me , but I was so happy they were in the house . I even sent T a text telling him how it made me happy . I know there are some , maybe many , gay men who simply walk away from their families . They abandon their wives . They walk away from their kids . How the hell do they do that ? I have been in my house for 2 nights ( tonight will be 3 nights ) without my kids and it 's driving me crazy . In fact , I am starting to think being a single dad would be preferable . All that said , I think I feel better today . Having the kids at my house today helped a lot . As I was putting the younger two kids to bed , I ask both of them if they had a good day . Both hugged and told be that had . I was afraid they might say being at my house was boring , but they didn 't . All that made me feel a lot better . In my core , I really am a family man . Lately I have been thinking about the cruelness of God for having made me gay . It has been a long time since I have wished for the " straight pill " that would turn me into a regular guy . A regular husband and a regular father . Oh well , life 's a bitch , ain 't it ? While my house is even quieter tonight ( the dog went to K 's house night ) I do not feel quite as bad tonight as I have , though I still have a long way to go . Many nights I stay up late after everyone else has fallen asleep . After I put the kids to bed and I am sure they are all fast asleep . After K and I have said our good nights , I stay up . Sometimes I watch TV , or surf the net , or maybe even download a little porn . One thing I like about staying up later is how quiet the house is . There is so much action here all the time , it can be draining . The quiet rejuvenates me . As much as I enjoy the quiet , I always knew my family was here . They were right there in the house . If they needed me , I could be there in an instant . If I needed them , they would be there for me too . Tonight , after a busy day of moving , I am up late and the house is quiet . Tonight , however , it is different . Tonight it 's quiet because I am all alone . There are no kids sleeping in their beds down the hall . K is not in her room across the hall , snoring gently . I am alone in the house . Actually , as I think about it , this is the first time in my life I have lived alone . There was one semester in college when I had a single room , but in a dorm , are you ever really alone . Now I am alone . There is no one I can say , " are you ready to go home ? " to . No one thinks of my house as home anymore , except me . As depressing as this sounds , I know absolutely what I am doing is the right thing . I know it is best for K to be with a straight man . I know it is best for me to live my life as I am , not as I have pretended to be . I know , in time , I will get used to being alone . I also am working hard to make opportunities to meet people so that will help . . . eventually . Tonight K started to bring clothes and some things to the new house . I made dinner for the kids . Then I made something else for me , K & AJ . After her second load , K left to spend the night at AJ 's house while I was getting my daughter out of the tub . As I tucked her in to bed , like I have almost every night for the past 7 years , she hugged me longer than she usually does . She said to me , " When we are moved , you will be here with . . . just you . " I told her that it was going to be OK and that she could sleep over at my house anytime she wanted . I think that made her feel better . This is Labor day weekend . It is the official end of summer . People get together together with their family and friends for the last BBQ of the summer . Mine will be somewhat different this year . K and AJ closed on their new house this morning . They will be moving in over the weekend . First AJ will move his stuff . The K will move hers and the kids . Finally , I will be getting some stuff from AJ 's house that will become mine . I don 't know if they will finish all of that this weekend or not , but I 'm sure they will try . I have been talking about the day that K and I will finally live in different places almost from the beginning of this blog . I have known for a long time that it would come , but I think in the way back of my mind , I never thought it would happen . I thought K would always be there ( even though now it seems we are never home at the same time ) and what 's more , I thought my kids would always be there . Whether they get everything moved this weekend or not , I don 't know . But there is one thing I am sure of . By Monday , I will be sleeping alone in my empty house . I am gay man in his 40 's who was married for 18 years to a straight woman , who is still my very best friend . We have 4 children together . She is now remarried and we still want to be supportive of each other and make a stable family for our kids . T : My ex - boyfriend . We were together from 2008 to 2013 . He is still an important person in my life . AJ : K 's new husband . They got married December 2011 . Most of the images used in my blog I found floating around the Internet . I believe , in good faith , that they are either public domain , or my non - commercial use falls under fair use guidelines . If , however , you are the are the copyright owner of any image and wish me to remove it , please contact me and I will do so as quickly as possible |
Q : You start off with your parents , I was wondering how - because he was from Essex , your Dad , wasn 't he ? ( Mrs B : From Pattiswick , yes . ) Had he gone up to London , you said ? Or have I got that mixed up ? Mrs B : Oh no , not my Dad . No , not my Dad , never went to London . I doubt whether he 'd ever been to London [ laugh ] . Q : No , I must have been thinking of something else then . So where was he when the First World War started ? ( Mrs B : Pattiswick . ) He was at Pattiswick . So he joined up ? Mrs B : He was in the regular Army before the War . ( Q : Oh , he was already in the Army ? ) Yes . Then he was on the Reserves when the War started in 1914 , and he was a Recruiting Officer then . ( Q : So where was he stationed when he was in the Army , I wonder ? ) Now , where was it , now just a minute , on the back of that , there 's a stamp on the back of that wedding certificate that [ ? ? ? ] an Army stamp , what does that say on there ? The address of it might even be on there , mightn 't it . ( Q : [ ? ? ? ] Shelley , soldier . ) At the bottom , is there a signature ? Q : Oh , it says something certified , ' Alan Gardner Brown , CM 61st Division , SMRE of Essex ' . That might be it , mightn 't be it . And he was certified that that was a copy , that might be the registry . Oh , there 's a stamp on here too . ' Territorial Force Association , Essex County , Chelmsford . ' And another one , ' Essex Territorials . ' Oh , so he was in the regular Army . Mrs B : Yes , and come out , just before . ( Q : And he came out , so he was on the Reserve . ) On Reserve . And as I think I mentioned to you the other day , his first recruit , he said , was my Mum [ laugh ] . That 's how he met her , cause he recruited her twin brother , his first recruit . He recruited her twin brother [ ? ? ? ] . Q : So that was the first connection ? ( Mrs B : Yes . ) And then you all were brought up in Guithavon Street ? ( Mrs B : That 's right . ) So tell me some things you can remember about that ? Mrs B : I think that 's all written down there . ( Q : It probably is , but [ ? ? ? ] Well , I can remember so much . I mean I can remember right from the time when , he must have been my youngest brother was born , cause I was only two years older than Arthur , so when my youngest brother was born , I remember my aunt Ann , cause they 'd be always born at home , come to see to my mother . And I , I can see this saucepan now , in my mind 's eye , but I 've heard the story from my mother , since . They used to have those great big iron saucepans on the stove . One was for hot water , cause this was going on , and the other one had got a meat pudding in . My aunt got so , that was looking after her , so confused , that the nurse upstairs took the lid off the saucepan and there was this great big bag [ laugh ] . Now that 's a very early age . ( Q : You can remember that ? ) I can remember that , yes . And I can remember , as I think I told you , and that 's in there , being out with my Aunt Florrie just in these lovely clothes that I used to have from there , her daughter was the cook . And I used to have her hand - me - downs [ i . e . probably the girl from the house ] . And those [ ? ? ? ] , I can remember that day , standing outside Clarke 's stationers ' shop [ 70 Newland Street ] , I couldn 't have been very old , as I say , about four . I remember this little , hat with the wire , and it had a muff , you know , used to have glass buttons on them in those days , glass buttons . It must have been a sort of fur , because , as I think I , I put it in there , because , there wasn 't nylon or any pretence then , was it . And , I know , as I say , they did want to adopt me . ( Q : They were serious ? ) Yes , they were serious about it . And I 'd been removed from the town into that place down Maldon Road , I can 't think of the name , we mentioned it last time . We moved there rather than move away to go to Smallands . ( Q : Oh right , Olivers Cottages ? ) Yes , that 's it , yes . Well we were there for a while , and of course that was a long way to walk to that Sunday school up there by the station , the Church one . And they bought me some , pair of boots and gaiters I can remember , doing those buttons up , and I was walking right from Olivers Cottages up there on a Sunday afternoon . Mrs B : No , only that she seemed motherly . In my mind , I can see her , one I didn 't know very well . But , I 've seen the picture , one of them was in the wheel chair , well , I 've got a faint recollection of one being in the wheel - , but I don 't , I wouldn 't have remembered that , seeing that . But yes , she was motherly . I don 't think either of them were married , and I could , their house , I can see it my mind 's eye now , had a lot of trees in front of it [ 16 Collingwood Road ] . It was the other side of the Public Hall , yes , up there , a lot of trees . ( Q : Fancy remembering that . ) Yes , yes , I can , I can remember . I can , I can remember a lot , and then I think to myself sometimes , was it because I was a child , a girl on my own , I 've got three brothers . Now living in Guithavon Street , as far as I can remember [ ? ? ? ] , I can 't remember another child in that street , another girl . So I had no , didn 't have a lot of girls to play with . The only friend I did have , I remember [ ? ? ? ] , there was a lot of Upsons lived in Mill Lane , and Cissie Upson , I remember I played with her , she had a brother , Marshall Upson , that was rather nice , I thought , when I was a little girl . And so I , I seemed to be own a lot , or with the boys a lot . Even when we moved to the farms and that , until my sister grew up , and was old enough for school , and then she was nothing else but a pest . [ laugh ] I mean I , I 'd settled in my ways by then , and , because , my elder brother , he 's dead now , I can always remember him laughing over the years , it had been set up between my Mum and Dad , when it was her time to have Joyce , when it was getting near her time , my oldest brother was to go and find Dad , which would be somewhere in the town , in his horse and cart or something , and just tell him that Mum had a headache . [ laugh ] And he would know what it was , see . So my brother , heard my brother say at times , ' So I went , I found Dad right down by Bridge Street ' , he said and said Mum had a headache , he said , ' and then Joyce was born ' , he said , ' and sheQ : Ah . Well I suppose all of you 'd got used to your ways , hadn 't you ? Mrs B : Yes , that 's right , yes . a little girl . And my mother , I think I told you this the other day , my mother used to let me push her , I was seven when , nearly seven when she was born , she used to let me push her up and down Guithavon Street , I never went up the Park [ ? ] , went down the street . Mrs B : Oh , of course , babies . I 've always loved pushing a pram . So , when she was born , I remember , I cried , even then I cried , because , you know , we 'd got a baby sister , and I didn 't , I didn 't want a sister [ ? ] , and I can see this big bedroom , in Guithavon Street now , my mother had a big brass bed , where she 'd had the baby . Alf , my oldest brother in a big iron cot in the corner , and I , and , as I say , it must have been my brother , the next size , [ ? ? ? ] in the other corner . I remember that . And I remember my Dad bending over me and said ' We 'll go shopping tomorrow ' , words to that effect , ' and we 'll buy you a doll 's pram , and then you can go out with Mum with the baby ' . And true as his word , there used to be a toy shop , King 's , I think , opposite , in Newland Street , near the George somewhere , across the road . And this little old tin pram , and that used to stand in the front room just inside the door . Cause we never used our front room . The only time the front room was used , when the vote in the elections were on over the school , and Mum used to hire it out as a let , as a office , where they used to come and do the … ( Q : Oh did she ? ) Yes , she used to let it out then . I can see , I can see that room , we were never allowed in there . Big table with the claw feet , you know , covered with all these sorts of photos , things like that . And lovely furniture , a long , sofa they called them then , didn 't they , black with buttons , and the arm chairs . The four chairs , and draped over there was this lovely shawl Dad brought home from Egypt , then bigger photos and that all the way round . I can remember that , yes . I can remember everything inside that house that 's on there . Yes . Mrs B : One , it was the Tories I think , the posh , it , I didn 't know nothing about it then , but I suppose my mother did , it was the posh people that took it . Yes . I 'm trying to think of his , I 'm trying hard to think of his name . It was the same name every time they came up . Yes , for years . Something else I found , amongst some papers the other day , when Tom Driberg stood for election in Braintree , just after the last War , yes , in Braintree and Witham , yes , I found that . Mrs B : Yes , but , I don 't know if he was the agent or the one that was standing , I 'm thinking now . And he really was a well - known name . Well now , this would be in the 1920s , cause I was born in ' 21 , and I left there in ' 29 / ' 30 , so , and , Ruggles - Brise , was it ? ( Q : Oh that 's right , oh yes . ) That 's it , Ruggles - Brise . That 's it , yes . Mrs B : Yes , that 's right , yes , oh yes , oh yes , not for the little ( Q : Not the Council ones ? ) , oh no , no , nothing … [ laugh ] yes , that 's right . ( Q : What an honour . ) I suppose she got about a half crown for that . But then when you think Dad 's wages , were only about thirty bob a week , I mean … [ laugh ] . Mrs B : Well , it was a big house , I mean , down , you see , we lived in the basement , had a lovely kitchen in there , great big stove ( Q : Oh I see . ) oh yes . Yes , you went , we had a lovely cosy kitchen , yes , and the big table , and , lovely big fireplace , and then , and a scullery , we used to call it , leading off of that , and when my brother went to see , it 's some years ago now , about eight or nine years , cause he was looking at it outside , and somebody came out , cause I think it 's some sort of office or something there now , and said could they help , and he said , you know , and they took him in , and he said the scullery was just the same , and even the toilet , was still up the garden . I 've often said I would go , but I haven 't [ ? ? ? ] . Yes , you used to be in the basement , so you always saw people 's legs walking by . Cause we were right opposite the school gate , didn 't have any distance to go to school , right opposite the school gate . I recognise those names in that book you gave me , what Mr Rowland [ ? ] done , Mr Rowland , the boys ' school head . [ probably Rowles ] Mrs B : No , I don 't , really , no . I know there was a lot of cars , and big bouquet things , and a lot of shouting and hollering after we 'd gone to bed at night . I suppose that 's when it was all declared , wasn 't it , or something . No I haven 't got … Q : Oh , seems a fairly big part of it then , doesn 't it ? ( Mrs B : Yes . ) So there was , I can 't remember now , whether they 've got one , two more floors above the basement , or three , those ones ? There 's a ground floor , where your front room was … Mrs B : We had the basement and the ground , and one up . Some of them had got three up , which you can see on that photo . You can see where the three starts . ( Q : Yes , it 's just a little way along , isn 't it . ) Yes , that 's it . Mrs B : Oh , they were Mens ' houses I suppose [ his employer ] . Yes , because , over the years , when I showed people this , I say over the years cause I 've only had them about eight or nine years , but people I 've showed them to , were amazed that we lived in such a smart place . But then we always had nice houses , right up until we went to Great Tey , because , from there , that one down , Olivers Cottages , was a nice house , that was a nice house . We were in the middle one of the three [ Mens owned those too ] . Smallands were beautiful houses , really nice houses . And then we went to Marks Tey from , not Marks Tey , Great Tey , from there , and that , my mother didn 't like that , at all . Oh . I 'd like it today , I bet it 's worth a lot of money today , it was two village , two houses made into one , but mother didn 't like it . Had to cart the water a long way . We only stayed there a year . Then we came to Bocking Church Street . Mrs B : Yes , yes , that 's it , when I think of my poor Mum , she was , at Guithavon Street she had everything . Gas light , not electric , but we had gas light . Running water , even down the garden for the toilet , and everything like that . It was a lovely house . And then to move , out into the country , once we got to Smallands , it was miles from anywhere , even I , we 'd gone over the road to school , and suddenly had to walk over two miles to school . But that 's what my father wanted . He 'd always wanted to be on a farm , you see . ( Q : Oh , it was his choice was it , yes . ) Oh yes , he 'd been at this cartage company [ Mens ] , but he wanted to be on the land , he was on the land as a child , you see , he wanted to be on the land . Oh yes , it was his choice . I was very very happy , I didn 't notice anything different , thinking back , it must have been very hard , we used to carry our own water . Mrs B : Yes , I do remember him , sitting in his office , a little green box , on that Collingwood Road , big red - faced man , wasn 't he , I imagine he liked a tipple or something , when I think of him now , I think he must be , that wasn 't a natural red face . I remember him , and I said the other day , I remember his other daughter , Margaret . But , I thought there was two daughters , but you said you thought there was only one but , in fact you 're probably right about that . Mrs B : And , I know she was a bit older than me , I suppose , she could have been about six years or so , because she was past dolls ' prams , she had this beautiful dolls ' pram in that garage . I think my father may have tried to have got it for me , but they , evidently they were going to keep it . But they did used to let me push it up that sort of drive from , to the garage . That 's nothing like [ ? ? ? ] . Mrs B : Not very often , but he has taken me round there , yes . Probably [ ? ? ? ] , I don 't know . Yes . Well then we moved to Smallands , he used to come down here , go down there . Because lo and behold , when I opened your book , the first person in there is his brother - in - law , isn 't it , Everard . ( Q : Oh , Everard , yes , yes . ) See that farm , he bought that farm from Mens , or Mens bought the farm , yes . Yes , that 's right . So Everard bought it from , yes , that 's it , Everard , Mens sold it to Ashby , and then we went to Great Tey to Everard 's farm . Everard was at the Abbey at Coggeshall , that 's where he lived . And that 's where I went to work , from school , on and Mo Saturday nights and Monday morning , to clean the shoes and set the breakfast out , set the table , I was about thirteen then . Used to cycle from Great Tey to the Abbey , yes . And he 's the first person in your book , isn 't he , that photograph [ Photo book ] . I showed that to Arthur and Doug this morning , I said who 's that Monty Everard doing in this book . Mrs B : No , no , I was still at school . I , at Great Tey . I moved there , to Great Tey , I had just turned thirteen , no twelve , let 's get this right , we were only there one year . So , and we moved in September , that 's right , and I was , I must have been thirteen the following July . Because , we were only there a year , and we moved to Bocking . Well , we moved to Bocking , as I said the other day , you either moved March or September when you was on the farm . Spring or Michaelmas , they used to call it . And teach - , my mother took me up with the other two boys and my sister , to register , and I wasn 't a girl of thirteen and a half , I mean , I wasn 't , because there 's all these boys calling after me , and the headmaster was going to school at the same time , and he said to Mum , ' I don 't think it 's worth putting Rose on the register , just for two months ' , he said , ' we break up again in July ' . And [ ? ? ? ] , so I went straight out to work . So I was only thirteen and a half . I never , I never passed my eleven plus , I was the only child in the Hatfield Peverel school that they sent , they sent , that took it . I remember my father buying me a little brown case , it just used to have one clip on , that you used to have when you were a child , for me lunch , which Mum had probably put a lot of , blackcurrant jam sandwiches in there . And then I had to walk quite a long way to get this bus to go to Chelmsford . Now I 'd never been out on a bus alone before . I had never been to Chelmsford before , we went to some big school for the exam , just before you get into Chelmsford . And I was quite quiet and shy , I suppose , specially [ ? ? ? ] , and do you know , my first question , my first question , I 'll never forget it , ' Describe a camera . ' Oh now , all the things I knew about , I was good at reading , writing , arithmetic and everything . A camera , I 'd never seen . I certainly hadn 't handled one . And that threw me completely , and I just sat with that paper , the others all went by the board . Mr Hiscock , that was the name of the teacher , well , Q : So the shop you first went to , was … ? Mrs B : In Braintree ? I didn 't go to work until 1960 . I used to be a dinner lady at Bocking Church Street , when the kiddies were growing up , but I 'd never worked in a shop until 1960 . There used to be a small little shop called Cook 's , near where the old Central [ ? ] was in Braintree . They sold out , opened a big place across the road called Bourne 's . That 's a German firm . And , but that didn 't last , then after a few years we got made redundant , they closed that . Mrs B : A grocery . Yes . We took that in ' 76 , ' 75 , then we came out when my husband had a stroke , well , we came out when he retired in ' 82 , but then he had a stroke in ' 84 , so … Q : So really , going to Chelmsford was a bit of a , you probably weren 't that … ( Mrs B : No , no . ) it was just the school … ( Mrs B : Yes , yes , the school wanted , yes . ) Well I suppose it would have been good for them , wouldn 't it . ( Mrs B : Oh yes , yes . ) I meant to bring a book I 've got about Hatfield school , I 'll let you borrow that some time . You might even be in it . Mrs B : Oh , I remember Miss Welland , and her big Alsatian dog . And I remember her giving me a note sometime or other for my mother . And I think it was , must have been something that I misbehaved in school . Oh no , it was my report , you weren 't supposed to open them , were you . You were supposed to take them straight home . And I can remember this cluster of girls right outside the opening of the school . And I had opened it , we were all going to read it , and I suppose I was about eight . And I can see , she used to take big strides [ ? ? ? ] , and I can see her hand coming over the top of all of us [ laugh ] taking that [ ? ? ? ] out of my hand , yes , I had to stand with my face to the wall the next day for that , yes I do remember that . And I remember starting school . ( Q : Do you , what was that like ? ) Yes , and we used to have maypole , and that then , they don 't do that now , do they . There was a time in September , would that be St Nicholas , when we used to take chrysanths and go to the Church . Mrs B : I remember going with my brother , cause my mother [ ? ? ? ] , she probably , she 's either got a baby on her lap , or one inside , carrying one . My brother took me , and there 's eighteen months between me and my brother Alf . I was four and a half , I think I mentioned this the other day , Miss Gentry , she lived at Wickham Bishops , was the teacher of the Infants . And I was knitting when I went to school . I 've been knitting all my life , I think . From the same little shop , King 's , my Dad , I used to meet him on a Saturday , and he 'd take me in there and buy me something , nearly every Saturday , and this must have been a ball of rainbow wool and two small pins . And she said what was I knitting , and I don 't know who taught me to knit , because it wasn 't my mother , my mother didn 't like knitting , it was probably one of my aunts . And I said ' I 'm knitting a tie for my brother . ' [ laugh ] I remember that . Yes , I remember that , I 've always knitted . Mrs B : I took it to school , yes . And , yes , I liked school . I liked school right from the day I went . I always took it home with me , I always wanted to do school at home , you know , write and things like that . Yes , I did like school . There was , there was Miss , Gentry , was the Infant teacher . Now , then there was Miss Croxall , she went to Hatfield Peverel too , didn 't she . And then there was the one that we was talking about the other day , I think there was a Miss Hurrell . ( Q : Oh yes , now I remembered that name , was it Murrells ? ) Murrells , that 's the one . One was the teacher at the school , and one did the private teaching , yes . Murrells , that was them , that was them . But there was a Miss Hurrell , I think , at Hatfield school . There was a Miss Hurrell , I know . And then , at the Boys , cause boys and girls were separate , weren 't they . They was Mr Rowland [ probably Rowles ] , a name that won 't come to my mind , but I would know it as soon as anybody said it , the other teacher . Mrs B : No . There was a big class of infants . ( Q : I see , so you went to that first . ) And then , yes . And then you went a bit higher up when you was nine probably . Because even then , you stayed at those schools until you were fourteen , you didn 't go up to High School at eleven , did you ? Q : She certainly lived in , she was born … ( Mrs B : Born in Witham , yes , that 's right , yes . ) And then she went to the Bramston when that opened , the Secondary School at Witham . ( Mrs B : Oh , did she ? ) A lot of people remember her from that . Mrs B : Yes , cause she , I think she lived she in the Avenue or somewhere . She used to hold it by the collar , she would have its hand on its collar , she was a horsey type in a way , and she , she 'd take its , dog would go along with her , you know , she was frightful , really , used to frighten the life out of us . I don 't know what happened to her . ( Q : And the dog came to school , then ? ) Oh yes , oh yes , the dog came to school , yes , the dog came to school . ( Q : Just roamed around ? ) No , I seem to remember it laying , as you go in , those big doors that were there on the front , I can 't quite recall what was up that end , it was probably a big fireplace with one of those guards round then , and that used to lay , lay there , yes . Then I suppose sometimes she had it in the office , I suppose she must have had an office mustn 't she ? Mrs B : Oh , well I must have been , mustn 't I ? ( Q : You opened this report . ) Yes yes , I opened this report . I can 't ever remember doing anything really bad . I can remember , cause we used to get a penny each , or something like that , used to go up the town , occasionally . And I bought a face mask , I remember once , for Guy Fawkes , and I shouldn 't have done that , I should , I don 't know , something [ ? ? ? ] [ ? ? ? ] , and , so we were in the basement , see , so outside the front door there was a little bit of garden that looks down into the basement , you know ? And there were some ferns there . And those other flowers that everybody used have , I suppose they were a sort of a fern , now what do you call them , they were red , with little mauve centres , very old fashioned flower , can 't , and I remember holding that mask , that my Dad saw . No I never got , as I say I was only nine when we left there . Mrs B : I can never remember being smacked . I can never remember being smacked . Once I nearly got it when we moved to Great Tey , when I was about thirteen , because , at school then there was a friend that lived across the fields at the other farm , Heather , and she 'd got a nice brother , and we all walked the long way home , cause then I was [ ? ? ? ] with his sister . And , course it was getting dark really , when I got home , and my Dad was saying , he 'd pulled one of the birches out of the garden , you know , [???], [ ? ? ? ] , but he never did . Sent me upstairs with no tea . Course my brothers bringed me up so much to eat that when they did relent and brought me up some dinner , I wasn 't hungry enough to eat it . [ laugh ] But no , we were , no , I had my father 's [ ? ? ? ] , no , none of us . Until , as I say , my boys got , my brothers got thirteen or fourteen , used to play Dad up a bit and they were threatened a lot , but , no , we were never smacked . Well , I can 't remember it , and my Dad had a temper , really , because , it 's quite possible this might be in that book , I forgot what I put in that book now . A cousin , one Christmas , and we were in this basement in Guithavon Street , and that 's where had our [ ? ? ? ] , this great big kitchen table . And it was Boxing Day , now Christmas , a lot of the time we always had Christmas , but , Boxing Day was always Dad 's day , snaring or ferreting or something in the morning , and then up till late [ ? ] [ ? ? ? ] . Well , apparently this Boxing Day , my mother was , which I found out afterwards when I grew up , Cousin Charlie was coming from Braintree , and , he wasn 't a real cousin , but , he was in the family , but he 's always been sweet on my mother , I think , and he was coming , and Mum had , and Dad wasn 't very happy about it . And she had taken some of the children in the pram up to the Station to meet him off the train . And we waited a long time . We were late back , because he didn 't come , I don 't know why . But Dad , had got in , just before us , and , so there was no meal on the table , and it was the day after Christmas , and there 's this lovely big fire , and this big table , I can remember it . Big bowl of nuts , for all of us , cause we used to sit and do them ourselves , then , didn 't we , you know , peel them and stuff , on the table . he was so angry , kicked the table over . I remember how we were all rushing around trying to pick these nuts up . I say , he was never like that , my father , no , lovely Dad . Yes . There was another time , at Smallands , when , that was spring time , cause it was lilac . And , and the middle window was open , he came home and his lunch wasn 't to his taste [ ? ] [ laugh ] . Picked up the , threw it straight out the window , went through , mind it was open so it was all right . ( Q : What did he pick up , sorry ? ) The vase of lilac . [ laugh ] A few choice words , he didn 't want that for his dinner . Mrs B : Oh , no , no , they saw that we did , we all went to Sunday School . But , they wouldn 't have any time . I mean I was thinking then , I told you I went to Smallands a few , as I say that is all in that book , I described [ ? ? ? ] book [ / ? ? ] . And , no , you see , my mother , she 'd been living in these nice houses , and then to have this place . She had to walk to a brook to carry her water . I mean Sunday , Dad used to get a lot , filled everything up for the washing . I can see her standing there washing , you know , every , all the water carted in , all the water carted out , five children to bath . I mean can see this bath in front of this big fire , you know , one after another . And then after we 'd all done , she 'd duck [ ? ] , and we 'd wash her back [ laugh ] . Mrs B : No , no bathroom in Guithavon Street . There was no bathroom , we just had a big bath . We could sit down in it , Mum used to kneel in it . All this lovely clean washing all round the guard . And so I say , she must have worked hard , because , my Mum loved housework , she hated cooking . She hated cooking . Now , to hate cooking and have to cook for seven or eight people every day , must have been terrible , mustn 't it . I mean , think of all those vegetables . Cause we always had a lodger , we had to have a lodger to help with the rent . Well Mum did , I don 't know if she paid rent , but you know , you 'd help out a bit . And , my Dad used to grow all his own vegetables , was a big gardener , keen gardener . And , you think , his own vegetables , the washing of them those days , not like you get them now from the supermarkets is it , you know . I squirm now when my brother brings me stuff that 's come out the ground , I don 't like it , if I see anything in the lettuce or anything like that , I , no , I 'd rather get it at the supermarket . And , you think , and then not just dinner time , tea time , with all these radishes and celery and lettuce and everything that had been grown in the garden . She always said to me at the sink , I shouldn 't suffer [ ? ] , I used to have to scrape the potatoes . I could not reach the sink properly , and I 'd always got that , streaks down my arm where the water used to run down , because I was trying to scrape potatoes . So , I mean , she must have worked hard . And then all weekend , she 'd get the children 's clothes ready for school again on Monday , cause you didn 't have two or three changes then like they do now , do you , wore the same thing nearly all the winter . Mrs B : You just boiled it . Saucepans . No hot water . And we had an oil , that was an oil stove , all the kitchen , an oil stove like in the kitchen , but most of it was always just on the kitchen range . Yes . ( Q : That was coal , I expect , was it ? ) Well , I was going to say , I never remember being cold , it was always … ( Q : Was it coal ? ) Coal or wood , father used to , that 's another thing , he was always sawing wood up . My Dad never seemed to stop , but still , neither did my mother . ( Q : I suppose his work was quite hard . ) His work was hard . Mrs B : Oh yes , yes . Well if they were carting all that stuff to Silver End , they must have done , must have gone there , mustn 't they , that , I 'm not sure about , but that 's what Arthur was saying . And , oh yes . Cause he used to do coal , and everything , they were the Cartage Company . Moved people , didn 't they , used to do everything . And , that 's another thing my brother Arthur was saying this morning , he was talking about the sand pit . My father had a funny knee , it was something to do with a War wound . And it could , at any time , just go out . After a while it would come in back again , but he couldn 't walk , he 'd go down , and , they were often having to run to him with brooms , he could manage with a broom , like using it as a crutch to get back . And Arthur was saying he remembers that he went out when he was coming over the bridge on the Rivenhall road , near the Catholic Church , that was somewhere , you know , he 'd get his horse and cart . And he managed to get as far as the Eagle , the pub there , but he couldn 't , he had to get some help , from there , you know , to get this horse and that back home . Although Dad 's horses as a rule , if he just let them off , they 'd go , they would find their way home . Mrs B : Yes , just down the Maldon Road , just past where the old toilets used to be [ about 2 Maldon Road ] . There was several stables . ( Q : So the horses were kept in there ? ) Yes , every Sunday afternoon , he had to feed them , didn 't he . Yes , he used to take me , as I said , then we used to go down to his allotments . Yes . And , but what I remember about those stables was , this old scooter that used to hang up in there . I mentioned to you about a fire at Witham Crittall 's , Well , I was with my Dad , and this scooter was lying in the middle of road , somebody had slung it to go and look at the fire or something . You know , heavy old - fashioned scooter . My Dad picked that up . And it hung in that stable , nobody claimed it , nobody , and it was there when we left Witham to move , and we took it , and I never had that scooter till we got down to Smallands , and I must have been ten or eleven . And , it was a rough old thing too , but we didn 't have any toys like that , we all used it . Mrs B : Yes . Yes . When we lived at Witham , several Sundays during the year , it was probably Whitsun and August , and perhaps some other Sunday , my father always used to hire a pony and trap from the Black Boy , was it [ Albert ] near the station , that one that 's got the big figure there , and drive us all to Maldon . ( Q : Oh , lovely . ) Yes . And , I remember one year , they hadn 't got the trap , and we had a landau , landau ? ( Q : Yes ? ) We all went . My Mum had a big sun , straw hat on , in this [ ? ? ? ] . And when we got to Maldon , we used to park it , well park isn 't the right word [ laugh ] . Put the horse in to eat and leave it at , the Ship I think , at the bottom of Maldon hill , before you go over the bridge and go up the hill . We used to go in there . Father used to have a drink , we used to have a little wooden boat each , [ ? ? ? ] on the lake , we used to fill the sink up with water , we used to play with that , Mum and Dad had a drink . Then we would walk from there along the ups and downs , we never used to go up the hill , we used to go across . And then Dad would set us all , you know Maldon , I suppose , yes , on the green hill , we used to sit there , and we paddled , Mum 'd see to the eats and Dad would go along the front , have a drink . Then he 'd come back after about an hour , I remember him sitting on my Mum 's nice grey hat . ( Q : No ! . ) He 'd have a couple of hours sleep on there , and walk back , and bring us back . Yes , we did that several times a year , go in the pony and trap . How lovely it would be to have photos of that now , cause you see , you don 't have , do you . I don 't suppose anybody else took any photos . And I mean that was five children . ( Q : At least he was familiar with the driving part . ) Oh yes , oh yes , yes . Well now , he was a good Dad . Mrs B : Oh , what , the marine , that 's there now ? Yes , yes , that was like that then . Easier access , and more paddling and that than what there is today . I don 't remember the boats , but it was just like , we didn 't know any other seaside , we just went to Maldon . I go to Walton every year , I 've been to Walton every year since I was , well I don 't know , about fourteen , I suppose . Until my husband died , we used to have some caravans down there . But , yes , I like Walton . But Maldon , Maldon yes . Mrs B : That would be on a Sunday . Only on a Sunday . I don 't think we ever had no holiday . Never had a holiday . Only by , like , I used to go and stay with my relations and Alf , the oldest brother , did stay at Purleigh once or twice . Mrs B : Well , I suppose not really , I suppose because she used to , she used to work hard , Mrs Osborne did , she really worked hard . But I mean , she taught me to cook , she used to do the actual , I suppose , all I did really was , mainly , help with the children , and wash up , you know , wash up . I wasn 't in the bar all day . I used to do the fireplaces in the bars , in the morning , I remember cleaning them . But just at the time I left , he 'd got ideas of me going into the pub , cause you see , I was married then , and I was nineteen , and I , don 't know what happened there , but , I was , I had an operation , February ' 41 , and I came home , to hospital , I went to home , to Bocking , and then it was evident I 'd got to get a War job . I wanted to join the Forces , my father didn 't want me to join the Forces because my brothers were already there . So that 's when I went to work on the buses . But that 's something else I thought of when I was looking through that book , Dr Ted . ( Q : Yes ? ) I remember Dr Ted , yes , because , I think I told you how I got knocked over by that lorry when I was at Smallands , and I was walking to school , Hatfield Peverel . And he was the one that saw to me . I remember he did me all up in this very stiff plaster , sticky , all sticky stuff . And he gave me threepence , that was a lot of money . When he was going to take it off , you know , I had dislocated my shoulder blade . I always think my father must have got quite a bit of money for that , from Sadd 's . But I never did , my elder brother and I can never find out . Mrs B : Because , it was a Sadd 's lorry , and as they went round theses twisty corners , the [ ? ? ? ] that was poking out the back with a flag on , hit me on the shoulder . Truth be told , he ran out the road to [ ? ? ? ] or something like that . But , one of the old boys , caught him , he was carrying me home . Mrs B : Went to the surgery , my Dad took me on the cross - bar of his bike . ( Q : Oh really ? What , even though you 'd got … ? ) Yes , well he didn 't know what I did when he took me , did he ? When he brought me back I was all plastered up . [ laugh ] Hasn 't done us any harm , I 'm 84 this year [ laugh ] . ( Q : Exactly . Must have been painful though ? ) Oh , it was , well I can remember when he took it off , the plaster . I mean no mod - cons at home , anything to look after us or anything . Q : Cause the surgery would be a lot littler then , I should think ? I was looking up something somebody had told me , the other day , about what the surgery was like . [ 129 Newland Street ] Q : It 's still there but it 's a lot bigger now , I think . ( Mrs B : Oh , is it ? ) So , where did you go to wait , then , you went in … ? Mrs B : It just looked like an ordinary little house thing , that I used to go in . ( Q : And then was it just one doctor there at a time , was there ? ) No , there was one more . Dr Ted was our doctor , but , wasn 't there two , weren 't there two brothers , two doctors there , yes . ( Q : There was another , Dr Karl , yes . ) Ah , that 's it , yes , that 's it . ( Q : Karl , was his elder brother . ) Ah , well that 's the name I remember , Karl and Ted , that 's right . Cause they knew my father from when we were in Witham , of course . They 'd always been our doctors . Mrs B : Oh , he was well - known . Yes . I don 't suppose there 's many about now that remember him , cause after all , I 'm 84 myself , aren 't I , so I mean , it 's , it 's got to be somebody my age , hasn 't it , that would remember him at all . Oh , yes , he was well - known in Witham . Well - known , well - liked , you know , I mean he was a handsome man , he was handsome . My sister - in - law that 's married to my younger brother was looking through that book [ of old photos ] , and she said ' Well these must be your relations , because , nearly all that fire engine , they 're all our names , aren 't they [ Shelley ] ? George , Arthur , they are all , I said , Peggy this , not one , and to prove a point , I got the telephone directory , I said , Peg , there 's nearly as many Shelleys , or there was , in Witham , as there were Smiths . And I said , and , not one of them are our relations . And there is a lot in the book , I looked them up . Well , not all in Witham , but some Hatfield Peverel , and Rivenhall [ ? ] amongst that , but , they all originated from Witham , and there wasn 't one of them that was related to us . Only those at Purleigh , and as I say , there wasn 't many of them . Mrs B : Yes , one I remember very well was Fred Shelley . And he was my Dad 's friend for years and years . And then in , then later , as he got older , he used to go up to Cherry Tree with Percy Smith then , when I used to visit my aunt , and I 'd gone up there with Uncle Percy , I used to see him there and he remembered me from a child . Yes , and he had a sister Maisie , Maisie , Shelley , and I remember them . But , that 's the only I can really remember . Oh , except that Jim Whitten [ ? ] , now I wonder what I did with that , I can 't seem to , I spoke to you about Jim Whitten [ ? ] the other day , he used to have his engines that used to do the fields , the steam engines , and , he used to have them in a big shed opposite Olivers Cottage . ( Q : I see . ) Now , I did find , I know where I might have put it back , and he was a well - known man in Witham . [ looking for papers ] Mrs B : Walter sent when he first went . When I moved up here , up until I moved up here , I had all my love letters that I 'd sent to him over five years , and all what he 'd sent to me . And I thought well , these can 't go on for ever , and I don 't want anybody to read them , so first go , I took them all out the envelopes , that cut the space down a bit , didn 't it . Took the stamps off the envelopes . Then I said to my son , or he said to me ' I wonder if those stamps are worth anything ? So , they would have been , if they 'd have still been on the envelopes , but I 'd taken every one off the envelopes [ laugh ] ( Q : Oh no . ) Every letter I had , I 'd destroyed the envelope and kept the letter . So after that , the , yes , very old photo , you can hardly see , but , that must be seventy - five years , but that is Jim Whittle with his … Mrs B : No , they thought it was appendix , but it turned out it was a small cyst on a tumour or tumour on a cyst , I don 't know , I didn 't pay much attention to it . But , I know the night I came home from hospital to my mother from there , was the night they bombed , dropped the bomb in Braintree . We all dived under the table , and I opened up all my stitches and I had to go back and have it all redone , the stitches . But , those cards , that was the one I had sent to me when one of my sons was born , sixty years ago . That was the one about Tom Driberg 's election . When I was in Witham . I 've got lots of papers and that about , but as I say , those I haven 't … That 's one of me in the War time . Mrs B : Yes , only about a year . I was there on the morning , Sunday morning when it was declared , and we all sat in that front room at the George , she 'd got a radiogram and we were listening to it . And that was in the September , and I got married the following June . So , that was for something that was on at the Public Hall , about the War , when the War first started . ( Q : Oh . ) The receipt for my first pair of spectacles . 1943 , a bit of difference in the price now . [ laugh ] Oh that 's what they wrote to me at Witham to sign the paper , for my banns or something or other . Mrs B : No , my mother was doing some field work in Bocking , and I can see myself now , running up beside of her with this sheet of paper in my hand , so I could get here to sign it , and she wouldn 't sign . She did eventually . Dad was far more , she , that 's not what she wanted for her daughter , you know , and … And this , this was the code … Before my husband went abroad , cause he wasn 't allowed to say where he was , was he . So depending how he finished up his letter , I would know where he was . ( Q : How crafty . ) [ laugh ] Where he , cause they didn 't , when they left the shores they didn 't know where they were going to , you know . Mrs B : [ laugh ] Yes , but , what I 'm saying is , I didn 't mean to say that , but what I meant was , you must have heard ( Q : I remember hearing about it . ) you must have heard about it . ( Q : Yes , I have , they gave , it was on the radio , yes . ) Yes , well . ( Q : So you knew he was going to say something ? ) I was , I was seventeen , and we knew this announcement was coming . And it wasn 't long after when the sirens all went , and we all rushed for our gas masks . ( Q : Really ? ) Yes , and we all had beds down the cellar at the George . Mr and Mrs Osborne had theirs , and I had the single one beside them , and the two children over there , amongst all the beer pipes and that , we 'd come down , you know . And , yes , we went down there for a long time , until , nothing happened did it . And , yes . Yes I was there during that time . I was there when they bombed Crittall 's that time . We saw them come , we stood outside the front door of the pub , on the corner , and watched them come over . They went along the railway line , didn 't they . And , yes , I remember that . Mrs B : Yes , Rosemary wasn 't born till well into the War , after I left . There was Bobby , er Graham , and Joan , sorry , June , yes . ( Q : June , I see . ) Yes . Mrs B : Graham mostly , June was a bit older , she was at school . But I used to , as I say , play with them , and see to them . She used to bath them and that every night , she was a good mother . But I mean I was there to keep an eye on them , and take them out for walks , [ ? ? ? ] . But , he was a joy to look after , Graham , he was such a lovely boy . Mrs B : For her , but still , she had help , when I come to think of it , because I told you she had two nephews and a niece living there with her . And Joan used to work in the pub and so did John a bit . But I never , I didn 't get to know them very well , because , as I say , I was seventeen , they were probably in their late twenties and that . They seemed older than me , anyway . And , I suppose I was a bit quiet , a bit shy , you know , I wouldn 't push myself . Cause Walter always says he married me cause he thought I was the daughter from the George Hotel , when he met me [ laugh ] . ( Q : Really ? Did he really , do you think ? ) No , I don 't think so , no . Mrs B : A lot of soldiers . He went from Witham to Rivenhall , when they were stationed at Rivenhall . From there they went up to Wooller , in Northumberland . And it was from there that they went abroad . Mrs B : I met him in Witham . I met him in Witham . I was walking through the town , as you do , you know , with a friend . And these two soldiers standing at the corner of Maldon Road . Oh , they did look nice , you know , and I said to my friend , ' Well I 'll talk to them , but I 'm going to have the one with the moustache ' . [ laugh ] So me moved off , and then when we walked back , they were already talking to two girls . So I just said , ' We 're sorry for you ' , you know , cause I knew the girls he was talking to [ laugh ] . And , we just picked up from there . And at the time I 'd got a boyfriend , who had always been a friend of my brothers . And he was in the Regular Airforce , and he was stationed at Lille in France at the time . And , and he 'd got a girlfriend in London , in fact she 'd in that book . But he went home after a few weeks and broke it off with her , and I broke it off with Les . And this was April time , I expect , February to April time . I know this Les had been on leave from France , in about the January time , and I had gone up to Wolverhampton to where his parents lived , while he was on leave . And then it hadn 't been long , he 'd gone back and I 'd met Walter , we were all , broke it up . His family came down from Wolverhampton to have a go at me . ' How could you do it to him ' , you know , with the War on and that . Well , when you 're seventeen you don 't think about those things , do you . Well then , you see , when was home that January , I had spoken to my Dad about marrying Les , and he didn 't like Les , never had , he blamed Les for getting my brother to join the Air Force . They didn 't want him to go . And I was asking him then , well it was only come April and I 'm asking him I could marry Walter [ laugh ] . Now Dad liked Walter . Fact was , he was in the same regiment as my Dad had been in , the Essex Regiment . And , how he came to get to that I don 't know , I mean , he came from London , you see , and they were just sent to these different places . And , so anyway , Dad said yes . Course then we arranged the wedding , and then , because of Dunkirk , all leave was stopped , it looked as if the wedding would be cancelled . But , when they were at Witham , his Colonel was stationed at the George , so I knew him personally , I used to take his breakfast in to him . And , so I wrote to him , and him and he got Walter just 72 hours leave on June the first . All leave was cancelled because of Dunkirk . But he did , he came home on the Friday night , and he 'd got to be back on the Sunday night . So , we didn 't have , you know , we only had that weekend . And then , then I didn 't see him any more until August , when they had , what leave do they call it , when you have to go abroad . ( Q : I know what you mean , yes , just before you go . ) I should know . ( Q : Embarkation leave or something yes . ) So he 'd got a 48 hour embarkation leave . So , from the time I married him , I just had that 72 hours and then 48 hours , and then he 'd gone for four years and nine months . [ laugh ] So you could see why my Mum didn 't want me to marry him , I suppose . But it was all right , I waited for him . I mean I worked on the buses , we had a bit of fun , and things like that , but I mean , I waited for him . As I say , we were together right up until he died . ( Q : Sounds a nice man . ) Yes , oh yes , he was nice . Nice looking fellow , good husband and good father . But you see I never wanted a lot . After I 'd got my three children , that was it . I , I always wanted babies [ ? ] , and he was a good husband , and he never wanted to travel or do anything . He 'd done all that in the War , you see . I 've never been abroad , I 've got a passport , I 've never used it . I 've never used it . There 's nothing I have wanted to do , just my family . I mean I never went to work until as I say , the , my youngest one was six then , Colin had left school and Alf was a bit younger , and the youngest one was six or seven . But at that time Walter had got his workshop at home and was doing printing , so there was always somebody there , you see . And that 's when I started to go to work . Mrs B : No , no he didn 't . He was one of those men , he was never out of work , but he was never going to settle at one job . I mean the thought of going into a factory and doing the same job . I mean he was educated , self - educated , I mean , he used to write books of poems , just like my sons do , and musical , yes . But , no , he had a variety of jobs . Him and my brother did for quite a while do , decorating , on their own , like they all did after the War , they did that for quite a while . And then , what did he do . Oh , he went to Courtaulds , yes he worked at Courtaulds for quite a while . And then he , he always did this printing on the side , that was all self - taught , he used to do some lovely work . And then he did plaques and different things that used to sell at , shops used to take from him and buy , it was plaster of Paris and things like that . And then as I say , for seven years he did the printing . That 's when I went to work , because you see , when you work for yourself , you 've got to have a guaranteed income each week , you can 't get that when you work for yourself . So , as long as I was working just to bring in enough for groceries , anyway , he could , these people would have these things done and then don 't always pay you on time , do they . Q : So , if you hadn 't had to work in the War , you probably wouldn 't have done anything after you married until then , would you ? ( Mrs B : Oh no . ) The War , it was compulsory , was it ? Mrs B : Oh no , oh no , had to be War work . You had to be doing a man 's job , you had to be doing a man 's job . So I carried on bus conducting until he came home . Cause I gave it up , didn 't I , but that was wrong , I 'd still got to do the War work until he came out of the Forces , so I went to the Post Office for a while , I was a postwoman . ( Q : Oh , were you ? ) Yes . Yes , that 's right . Yes , you had to , as I say , I would have liked to have gone into the Forces , I think I could out for that , I would have like that . Mrs B : London was the furthest . ( Q : Oh really ? ) Yes , a week , five days every month you had on the London run . And our London run , we used to leave Braintree and quarter past eight in the morning , we didn 't get to London until eleven , because we used to do Dunmow , Takeley , Hatfield Heath , Broadoak , Harlow , [ ? ? ? ] , Woodford , Finsbury Park , right up to Kings Cross . We used to park the bus up there , and then we would walk to Tottenham Court Road into Oxford Street and spend the day . You see , we used to get up there about eleven , didn 't leave till about six o ' clock at night . We could see all the big films , if you went , and not frightened of the bombs and that , you know . One of my drivers , Jim Harrington , he had been a London taxicab driver , so he knew all the shortcuts , and get to Oxford Street , he knew all the short cuts , that went to Leicester Square and all those places , you see , so that was all right , yes . ( Q : Were the trains still running ? ) Yes , yes , trains were still running . ( Q : People still got the bus to London ? ) Yes , we , my sister - in - law , my husband 's sister , cause she came down , evacuated down here from London , and she came and worked on the buses with me . And we used to catch the first bus to Chelmsford in the morning , the workman 's train up to London , we 'd be in Oxford Street at nine o ' clock in the morning . And buy a nice dress , cause you had clothes coupons and you couldn 't buy anything , you see . Well , along Saling way there used to be a lot of gypsies I suppose , loads of whatever they were , in the caravans in that . They didn 't want clothing coupons , did they , but they did want some orange juice and all that for their children . So we used to give them our bottles of juice that we were allowed , for their clothing coupons , so Ivy and I always had plenty of clothing coupons . And then of course , once you get to Oxford Street , we knew people that had shops up there , once you get in the shop they 're not going to let you go , so you might get two dresses for the price of one lot of coupons , yoQ : So , I was just thinking , it must have been quicker , you 'd think it 'd be quicker on the train to get from Braintree to London . I suppose the buses went through different places , didn 't they . ( Mrs B : Well , we didn 't have to pay . ) No , for other people that was , people that were using your bus . Mrs B : On one trip from … on a Sunday morning we used to go up empty , and then , four buses , four double deckers , for parents that were either coming down for evacuee children , or Black Notley hospital where people were in , relations was in Black Notley hospital . ( Q : Oh , I see . ) And one morning , I remember one Sunday , this woman , started to have her baby just as we got into Harlow . And we didn 't know what to do , and we pulled up at the Harlow fire station , and they took over . Yes , they took over , and I often wonder what happened to that person . Yes . Yes , and then we 'd go back at night again , pick them up at about half past four , at Black Notley and take them back . Take them back , and then run back empty . Pull up at some pub on the way back , [ ? ? ? ] the driver . Yes , it 's not like it was today . Mrs B : Yes . Just , every garage had to have one , apparently . ( Q : Oh ? ) It used to look like that thing that they had when they first invented [ ? ? ? ] , you know [ laugh ] . Mrs B : Yes , that 's right . ( Q : Oh , I didn 't realise that . ) And they always used it just on the Notley round , so if it did break down it didn 't matter [ laugh ] . Cause I always remember , we used to pull up outside that newsagents in Witham , Clarke 's , where all the buses used to stop [ 70 Newland Street ] . And it used to be an awful job to move back [ ? ] into there where you stopped . Everybody got used to it . Q : I suppose in the War it was difficult because you probably couldn 't buy film or anything . ( Mrs B : No , that 's right . ) So it was like a truck , but with a , like a sort of box , was it ? Mrs B : No , no no , it wasn 't a box , it was just an engine , a couple of cylinder things . No , it was all metal , yes . It was just , it was hooked onto the back of the bus . And you had this long iron thing that sometimes we had to [ ? ? ? ] . Q : So the cylinders were going longways ? ( Mrs B : No , up . ) Up and down . I see , that was quite a clever idea really , wasn 't it ? And it actually ran off that instead of petrol ? Mrs B : No , no . I mean , when it swung round a corner , I mean it didn 't stay straight behind the bus , I mean it swung round , swung round . I suppose after a while we got used to it , and [ ? ? ? ] . Mrs B : Oh dear . I always remember when they bombed Hoffmanns [ Chelmsford ] . We had been on the last trip from Dunmow to Chelmsford , taking the night shift in . And then we were coming back from Chelmsford to Braintree , and it started , the siren went , this particular night , just as we were about to leave Chelmsford . And we hadn 't got to Little Waltham before the bombs were dropping . And I 'd got a strange driver , by the time he 'd got to Chatham Green , he stopped the bus , and , the bus was full , mostly soldiers and Americans and things like , cause there was a lot of Americans in the War . And all the light we had was a bicycle lamp we used to have on the strap that we cut the tickets off . That 's the only lights you had . The bus , you had no lights on the bus [ ? ? ? ] . And , stopped this bus at Chatham Green , and came round to see if I was all right . I really lost my temper with him . I said ' I will be if you keep driving and get away from it . Look , we 're leaving it behind . Don 't worry about me now , get to Braintree . ' And you could see , right at the back of you , you know , lights and that in the sky . But that was that worst night when they had at Hoffmanns , when a lot were killed and injured , yes . Oh yes , we had several like , I think I told you before . We used to go to London , nights after the raid the roads would still be burning , fires would still be … And all along Oxford Street , where , you know , you could see right down into the cellars through all the big shops and things . Still , life used to go on , you didn 't , I don 't know , I suppose it 's being young . Mrs B : No , I was never scared . No , I was never scared . My father used to be with the fire fight , the night watch , fire fighter things , when we lived at Bocking Church Street , and that was a three - storey house , and I was up the top . And he begged me to come down , that was at the time of the doodlebugs and things like that , and , I wouldn 't even get out of bed , I said ' No , if it 's going to bomb , I 'll come down with the rubble , I 'm not going to have it down on top of me ' , you know . [ laugh ] I never , no , I wasn 't scared . I did get ex , a bit worried one night when I was , it was dark , I don 't know how late it was , I 'd been on the late shift , and they said they were bombing Bocking , and in the distance you could see them . And I ran all the way home from Braintree , and [ ? ? ? ] , and I ran all the way down Bradford Street , Church Lane , in the middle of the road , you could do that cause there wasn 't any cars , only army vehicles about then . And anyway it was safer in the road because with no lights you could trip over the kerb . But the nearer I got to Bocking I could see it was still a bit further away , and I thought it was where my parents lived , and it was right in the middle of a wood , about a mile or so from where , my mother 's place . They dropped them . There was two houses in that wood , and that caught those two houses in the middle of the wood , the Tabors ' place it was , the Fennes . ( Q : Oh , I know , yes . ) Yes , we had lots of little happenings like that , as I say it was sad when they bombed that one it Braintree , the White Hart and there , [ ? ? ? ] . But no , I wasn 't scared . You see there was no television , I mean , I 've often thought , the last couple of years when I 've sat there watching Iraq , and I think , if that had all been on , if that had been my husband I was watching , you know , if that had been that time , that would have all been on television , you 'd have sat and watched it every day . All the campaign out in Egypt , and , Italy , that would have been on there every day , wouldn 't it . Whereas you Q : Oh , you 're right , that 's a big difference , isn 't it , whereas really … So did he ever come home on leave at all ? ( Mrs B : No , no . ) I suppose he was too far away . Q : The Tabors , I read quite a bit about Margaret Tabor , she was quite a … ( Mrs B : She died recently . ) No that was different , that was John Tabor 's , wife . ( Mrs B : Wife , yes , Lucy was his sister , he had a sister Lucy . ) And an aunt , I think , the one who the school 's named after . She did a lot for Bocking . Mrs B : Yes , that 's right . Oh yes , I knew Lucy well . I knew the family well , my children went to school with his children , cause his first wife died in childbirth , didn 't she , when the youngest one was born . I think that was , Lucy , would it be that one ? I don 't know . The son , Ted , he 's got the Fennes now , that 's where they do all those grand weddings and that . I went up there to my granddaughter 's wedding in November , November the eleventh , it 's a lovely place . It 's certainly altered since I knew it as a [ ? ? ? ] . Yes . Yes I did know them . But , yes , she 's just died , Margaret . But she was still very active , wasn 't she , she was abroad , swimming . ( Q : Well , you could be doing that . ) I don 't think so , that 's something else I can 't do , swim , you wouldn 't believe that , a country girl , but , I never did , no . I think I must have been a bit timid . I never learnt to drive . I used to sit next to my husband and thought , you know , well , it 'll always be like this . After I lost him I wished I had 've done . Do you drive , you do drive ? ( Q : Well , we haven 't got a car . ) No , but you drive ? ( Q : I 've got a licence . I would have to have some lessons if I wanted to start . ) Oh no , I couldn 't do it . Mrs B : Oh no , no . We would be on the farm before we had a bicycle . I mean you didn 't need one in the town . ( Q : I suppose not , no . ) You didn 't need one in the town . Mrs B : Oh yes , use to go down the Rec , oh , used to go down the Rec and places like that . And , a favourite haunt was the Mill [ Old Mill , Guithavon Valley ] , at the back , as you used to go over the railway line up to where the Co - op creamery used to be , didn 't it . And , it was always marshy there , we used to pick lovely cowslips and buttercups in that . Oh yes , we used to spend ages down that area , yes , yes . Capenall green [ Capener 's Green , bottom of Highfields Road ] . There , that 's right . Well , we had , my Mum had a friend lived just this side of the bridge , Mrs Pryor [ ? ] [ ? ? ? ] . And , oh yes , that was a nice area there , yes . Cause that was a lovely walk , from that mill up to Chipping Hill , by the river and under those arches , yes . That was lovely there , we used to love to play there , yes . Mrs B : Oh , you did , oh yes , you did , yes . I mean we used , used whips and tops to school , and , you know , what you get along with a stick , hoops . ( Q : Oh did you ? ) Yes , we used to go to school with them . Mrs B : Yes , I used to go to the International for my mother . That used to be next to the leather shop . Another thing I remember about Witham , opposite the International there used to be a shoe shop [ 56 Newland Street ] , next to where Turner 's was . Let 's see if I can think of the name . ( Q : Was it Dowsett ? ) No , it wasn 't Dowsett , I don 't think it was Dowsett . Well anyway , at Christmas time , in the end window , he always used to have a man mending shoes , in the window , cause I suppose , it must have been electric , a hammer used to , { Q : Oh , I know . ) his hands used to go , and I can remember me and my brothers running up there to watch that in the window . And I remember when mother used to take us , we were very small , she used to take us all pea - picking , and the cake shop in the town , just past the chemist it was then . Mrs B : If you went in there on a Monday morning , you got a huge bag of cakes for a shilling , you know . I suppose they were Saturday 's cakes . And we used to take those with us . Mrs B : Another thing I remember too , talking about shops , as you come from the station , down , is it Albert Road , as you come out the station and turn round , not to go to Chipping Hill , down , down there a bit there used to a shop [ probably Braintree Road ] , I think it might have been a Co - op , I don 't know , there used to be a little grocery shop , that sort of thing , years ago , and cause we used to go down there a lot cause my mother was for ever taking us up to Cressing Road to see her mother , that was before she died , because we was at Smallands when she died , so , she was ill , but she used to take us . And it was cold , it was in the winter , and , it may have been that they had a tea , a tea service in the shop window , all little cups and … Well , what it was , was an advert for some well - known … And my mother tried to buy that for me , because I was ever looking in the window at it . I suppose it was getting near Christmas , and , I remember the lady saying , ' No , we can 't sell it ' [ laugh ] ( Q : Ah . ) Mrs B : Well , we had to go , but I mean , we didn 't help , no , I remember I got my leg stuck in a rabbit hole , in the mucky [ ? ] field next to it . No , we used to play about , make homes with the rice and things like that . We went as we got older , on the farms , we used to , we even did stone picking at Smallands , because they made these water pipes right across the fields , and they wanted all the stones cleared up , you see . I think we used to get about a penny . Used to car these great big buckets of stones down the end of the field and tipping it all in the ditch [ ? ] . Mrs B : I don 't remember my Mum doing the stone - picking , it was us children that were doing that . Oh yes , still I used to do a lot of field work , when I was younger . My sister - in - law , we used to take it in turns , she had a little girl , and I had the two boys , three boys , but only one at home , the other two were at school , we used to take it in turns , I would go for a couple of days , and she 'd have the children , then she 's go and I 'd look after the children . But if you wanted anything extra , of course you had to . Mrs B : Oh yes . Oh , I 've done potatoes , peas , even sugar beet , yes . Well , that was nice to get out and do it , you know , I mean , it never seemed like work , it just seemed a change from indoors . Mrs B : Oh yes , yes , he had an allotment , yes , when we was down at Bocking we had one , big one at the back , he 's always had an allotment , right up until he died , till he couldn 't do any more . Yes , we always lived very well as children . We always had the good [ ? ] stuff , and rabbits , and pheasants , we even had our own chickens . We had our own cow , Monty gave us our own cow . I can see these great big aluminium things in the pantry , that you 'd pour the milk into and then skimming the top off and put it in a huge bottle and shake it up and it 'd [ ? ? ? ] , Mrs B : Oh , it was hard for her . But then again , I suppose we weren 't a hindrance too her , we weren 't under her feet . You didn 't see what she had to do , did you , all the cooking and the washing and the ironing … Author Janet GyfordPosted on 7th August 20168th January 2017Categories Interviews with Witham peopleTags Rose Burch , Rose Shelley Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Post navigation |
2011 is almost at it 's end . We have so much to be thankful for , and so much to look forward to . The older I get , the more amazed I am at how quickly time flys by . Wasn 't it February just a few months ago ? How did summer come and go so quickly ? How did Caelum get taller than me ? How did Ruby and Olivia become such big girls ? I called Marci a few days ago to establish ( in my mind ) how old the kids are . I STILL can 't get it straight . . . I think the kids are MUCH younger than they are . I am not sure how time slips away as it seems to do . I still see Emilia as a 4 year old . Shelby and Josef are still very small . Caelum . . . not nearly 13 . . . . Ruby and Olivia are still babies . Lily , is still the baby she was the last time I held her . Abi . . . holy cow , she can 't be 16 . . . . she is still that little girl I met when she was 3 . OK , enough of this . . . . on to today ! I really wish the kids were here with us as we end the year . They are young enough to ring in the new year . . . . . Me , I think it is close enough now . Happy new year . Off to bed I go ! I have wanted to learn crafts like cheese making for years . Along my journey I have learned things like soapmaking , butter making , bread making etc . All of these things I have learned on my own . This summer I met someone who raises his own cows and I started buying milk from him . We formed a friendship and talked a lot about cheese making . He has been wonderful and blesses me with a lot of milk to play with . My first attempts at cheese making made me realize I needed a mentor . I had no idea what I was doing wrong , but I ruined gallons and gallons of raw milk . Finally a couple of weeks ago I was successful . . . and my cheese turned out the way it was supposed to . I think I finally understood some things I just didn 't " get " before . I have made 4 batches of hard cheese that seem to have turned out . I was OK with the soft cheese . . . it was easy and I " got it " , but now I " get " the hard cheese ! ! ! Yippee ! ! ! I am so excited for the cheese to age and I am able to taste the fruits of my labors ! ( I am still looking for a mentor ) Remember the nursery story about little miss muffet ? Curds and whey are exactly what I am working toward here . In this photo the curds have formed are are waiting for me to cut them and get started with the cheese making The curds have been placed in the mold in a cheese cloth . I am pressing them with 50 pounds of weight . I have to figure out how to place the weights better so I am not putting so many pieces on the board . And this is the final product . Well , it is the cheese waiting to be aged . I wish you could see the labels on the back two blocks . Olivia wrote them for me . I love reading her little girl printing . She is so talented . After they have formed a hard rind and dried out a bit they are waxed and left to age . Hard cheese needs to age from a month or two up to years depending on the type of cheese . I can 't wait to try some of this stuff ! ! ! ! There is a lot more to cheese making , but I am not trying to teach , only to share my new found hobby . Most people have lots of questions , my best answer come help me make some . That will likely answer a lot of questions . I am so in love with my life . I must say I would never be where I am without Phil to push me . I was SO afraid to take this plunge and buy Pooh Acres . What if I loose my job ? What if we can 't make the payments ? What if the house in Omaha doesn 't sell ? Guess what . Phil lost his job 20 months ago , and we didn 't sell the house in Omaha , and we have still managed to make the payments on this place . I think it went ment to be ! On the weekends I love waking up to the roosters crowing . . . . During the week I have to rush and get ready for work , so I don 't get to enjoy this time . I went out this morning to let them out , and they were all so excited to get out and scratch . Phil made a door into the lower garden so they are able to get in there and scratch and poop to their hearts content . Today I am going to start a new " adventure " . I have been wanting to make cheese for a long time , but the cost is prohivitive , and I didn 't have time during the summer . This summer I made friends with two guys who have a couple a cows . I have been buying milk from them since we got out new ( and much cooler ) refigerator . I am not a milk drinker , but I love the by products . Brad ( the owner of the cows ) is very supporative of my learning efforts and gives me a lot more milk than I pay for . I have experimented with cottage cheese , keifer and a few simple cheeses . I told Phil I was going to build a cheese press this weekend . I have the plans , I know what I need . Yesterday he bought all of the componets and started putting it together for me . We still have a few " bugs " to work out , but not many . I bought a gallon of milk on Thursday and Brad gave me 3 more . I brought it into into the house a little while ago to skim the cream off ( for butter ) and then . . . . . . . . I am off on my first big cheese making adventure . Who knows , Pooh Acres could be a cheese adventure in a few years ! ! ! Every since I was a kid I was taught to hang your clothing around your unmentionables . You did not want a passerby or neighbor looking at them . When I was little we lived at then end of a 2 mile driveway so if someone came to see us , they were there to see US . I understand that hobo 's did come up to the house from the railroad tracks from time to time , so maybe that is why mom was so specific about it . When we moved " to town " we were still on an acreage with very few neighbors , but there was a road close to the house . I have always stuck to the same rule ; strangers don 't need to see your underwear . Phil didn 't do a lot of laundry before he became unemployed 19 months ago . He has been doing the laundry a lot more lately , and it is funny to see that I have taught him that same paranoia . I enjoy hanging my laundry out . Not for the energy saving reason ( although that plays into it ) but for the reality check . When I come home I leave the city and the craziness behind . I hang our clothing out for God to kiss and make smell wonderful . I love Saturday nights when I get clean sheets . I wash my mattress pad way to often just so I get that wonderful smell . Why would you use a dryer if you had the choice ? I have been working on making some money from Pooh Acres . I put the word out on the meat chickens , and had the sold in an hour . I made some harbanaro jelly and took samples to work . I sold all of that , and I am thinking about making one last batch from the end of the peppers . I have honey at my desk and sell a few jars every week . People tease me about someday being self sufficient . That would be wonderful if it would someday happen . I came home tonight to find one of the chickens had an impacted egg ( at least that is what I was told last time it happened ) . The last time I followed all the advice and " nursed " the chicken for a week giving her medicine and doing things that I never want to do to a chicken again . She was miserable and died anyway . I didn 't want to do that with this chicken . I told Phil I was gJoann O ' Leary I never wanted to raise the fast growing chickens we have now . I had read enough about them to know they didn 't really have a life . When they are day old chickens the look like a " normal " chicken but that soon changes . This chicken is intended to eat and sleep . Our chickens are 7 weeks old and are larger than the 14 week old chickens we butchered earlier this year . I feel so bad for them because they don 't want to move . They are happy to simply sit and eat . We have an appointment to butcher next Saturday and I am hoping they will last that long . One we looked at this evening is having a difficult time walking , not that they WANT to walk much . There is a possibility some of them will actually break a leg before next weekend because they have grown so quickly . This is not a way for any creature to live . I feel joy when I listen to my layers . I feel wonder when I see a chicken sitting on her eggs to hatch them . When I work in the garden I listen to the happy clucking of the hens , or the excited bragging when one of them has just laid an egg . This is normal and good . The meat from these chickens is fantastic . Phil likes it because one chicken will fill an entire platter . Our heritage chickens tasted fantastic , but were kind of skinny ! I think we took on to much this year . We started spring with 125 new birds and now another 50 plus all the layer hens . We have not had a summer . Next year , I think we will downsize some . ( But people LOVE the eggs ) . We started our chicken journey last spring when I found 2 leghorns on Craigslist for sale . We drove over to Carter Lake Iowa and met the family they were living with at that time . We fell in love with the chickens and the family . We named one Pinky because she had somehow gotten pink hair dye on her from the " mom " who had bright pink hair . The other was Whitey , because she obviously was white . Our chicken journey went kind of crazy from there . These two small chickens became the core of our flock . We could always pick them out and they came to us by name . We also added another favorite , Red our Rhode Island Red who came just a bit later . Last winter all of the chickens got sick with a cold . We lost quite a few of them , including Whitey and Red . A few days ago Phil called me at work and said Pinky was acting strange . She didn 't come to him and just didn 't look good . Yesterday we went to put the chickens to bed before the storm hit and Phil found Pinky lying beside one of the sheds dead . We always said she would live here until her time was over , we didn 't realize it would be so soon . She hasn 't laid an egg for quite some time but that didn 't really matter . We love all of the animals here on Pooh Acres . I know they are supposed to be livestock but they are Gods creatures first and foremost . I am thankful she lived a good and peaceful life and I am thankful she spent the last year with us . Oh my , what a night ! While I was still at work a thunder storm warning was issued . I went out to the parking lot to close the window on the car and the sky was blue with a few puffs of clouds . Absolutely beautiful ! ! ! By the time I left for home the sky looked kind of funny but it was still nice out . Not long after I got home the clouds rolled in and the sky opened up . We were able to get the chickens into the run just before the downpour . The rain didn 't last long but we stayed in . A while ago it started raining A LOT ! The wind was blowing the rain into the windows in the front of the house and in the back at the same time ! ! I went outside to see why there was so much noise … . We had hail the size of quarters falling ! I am concerned about the roof on the house and the cars ! The weather in the Midwest is so DRASTIC ! I wonder what the gardens are going to look like in the light of day . We are still under a thunder storm / tornado warning but I think the worst is over . We got new chickens 2 weeks ago ( today ! ) We decided to get the fast growing " broilers " that are ready in 7 or 8 weeks . I am already not happy raising these chickens . When we had the heritage chickens … they were chickens . They played and raced around their brooder . These chickens just kind of sit there . We saw a few of them chest bumping and playing but for the most part they don 't . I feel bad raising these chickens . This doesn 't seem natural or right . It feels like killing a fish in fish bowl ! They have no chance . Our heritage chickens had fun . They ran and played and enjoyed life . I guess I shouldn 't over think it … . but I live with these animals and I want to make them as happy and comfortable as possible . I harvested the rest of the sweet corn a few days ago . I was so sad to find out that the deer had eaten most of corn in the upper garden . They ate part of every ear in that patch . It is OK … . I am willing to share part of my harvest with the wildlife . Thankfully they haven 't found the blackberries and grapes . I can 't believeJoann O ' Leary I remember Mom reciting the childrens poem , to market to maket to buy a fat pig , to market to market to buy a fat hog . We don 't have any pigs at Pooh acres but we sure have a lot of chickens . I am certain that I have talked about a fateful Sunday when I was playing on the computer and told Phil that I ran across this wonderful " deal " for chickens . If you buy 100 meat chickens you get 3 free ducks ! ! ! Plus I could get a great deal on 25 layers that will give us lots of colored eggs . He , apparently not really listening to me said sure , whatever you want to do . So , I ordered 125 chickens to be delivered toward the end of March . It didn 't " sink in " for a while what we committed ourselves to . We didn 't have a place to keep them when they were little . We really didn 't have a big enough chicken yard for them . Heck , we had no idea what we were even doing ! ! ! ! ! ! So , on that fateful morning of March 23 I got the call from the post office at 5 : 30 AM to come get them . It was COLD that day . We had to change plans in mid stream in bring a horse trough into the kitchen so we could keep the babies warm . We have somehow struggled through the growing process and only killed a few chickens . We have both learned to open our hearts to these feathered creatures who touched us in so many ways . I have learned to butcher these birds , but I always give them a hug and tell them thank you ! I don 't ever want to be de - sensitized to the killing of an animal . Today we took 66 of our birds to be slaughtered in a USDA approved plant . We got everything ready last night so we just had to catch the birds and get on the road . I was OK with catching them and stuffing them into cages . I was OK with knowing what was going to happen to them . I WASN ' T OK with seeing how them were handled . When I butcher I am careful to hug each bird and tell them how much I appreciate their sacrifice . When this kid butchered he didn 't care that I have spent every day for the last 4 months with these birds . It was simply a job to him . He didn 't care that I knew each bird by Posted by Spring is here , and the craziness of summer is my life . The garden got such a late start because of the rain and cold temperatures . I started thinking I would never get seeds in the ground . The last few weeks have been productive . It looks like almost everything is popping up , and the gardens look good . I am running very low on mulch , so nothing is mulched the way it should be . The weeds are running rampant . I am excited about the " upper garden " . This was an area chest high in weeds when we moved here . I started taming the area by laying cardboard down and covering it with hay or leaves . Two years ago I planted berry plants up there . Last year I planted a few vegetables up there . This year , thanks to lots of manure , mulch , and time I have planted corn , popcorn , oats , Jerusalem artichokes , quiwa etc . I don 't know if they will live through the deer . Rabbits etc , but I will give it a try . I would really like to keep it natural and unfenced , but I don 't know if that is possible . I went up tonight to check on everything and found that I forgot to cover the popcorn rows after I planted them . Guess what happened ? ? ? The birds ate all of the seeds . I replanted it all tonight . The corn I planted last week is coming up , and I am excited to see what grows to harvest . I am gaining a bigger and bigger following for my eggs and vegetables . The poor chickens can 't lay fast enough for my customers . I am amazed at work when I hear people talk about how good the eggs are , and they would never go back to store bought eggs . OK , I wrote that several weeks ago . . Time just gets away from me , especially this time of year ! ! Phil and I decided we needed to butcher a chicken or two to see how big they really are . Saturday Phil and his friend went into Glenwood to garage sale and run some errands . While they were gone I caught three chickens and butchered them . I was disappointed that they were so small . I was hoping to send them off to the butcher soon but that is not going to happen . They ended up weighing only 3 # dressed . I must say , they tasted wonderful ! We grilled one with Dorothy Lynch dressing brushed on the skin and Phil beer can grilled another ( using coke ) . The last one is in the freezer . One of the cool things about chickens is they will eat almost anything . A few weeks ago when I butchered a pig I boiled the head thinking I would make head cheese … . . I just could not do it so I gave all of that to the chickens . They picked the skull clean in no time flat ! After I finished butchering the chickens I gave them all of the innards and feet . The only thing I threw away was the feathers and head . Saturday evening Delana and the kids came over ( to wish Grandpa happy Fathers day ) . The kids love running around and getting into everything . Olivia was in the chicken run and came out with 2 chicken feet . She was waving them around walking them etc . She wanted to know if she could keep them and take them home . I of course was laughing so hard tears were running down my cheeks . I told her she had to ask her Mom … Mom , the vegetarian of course totally freaked and said a resounding NO ! Later I asked Caelum to help me give Mable a haircut ( his job is to hold her on the table ) . Olivia saw all the black dog hair on the ground and wanted to that THAT home as well . Mom didn 't understand that either ! ( I have to wonder what the kids want with all the junk they want to take home from here ) The Missouri River is flooding . We are told it is going to get very bad . We ran into town yesterday to get a couple of things . . . . . I told Phil I had a lot to do so we could not dawdle . We decided we needed to look at the River and see for ourselves what is happening . Three hours later , we had driven over to Pacific Junction , into Plattsmouth , and back through Bellevue . In PJ , it was a steady line of tucks bringing dirt in to build a burm around the water treatment plant , building up the RR tracks ( that is a major line ) and around the few businesses that are there . It made me cry to see the people packing their household into trucks are preparing to leave . From there we drove the back road down to the river . We wanted to see an area that last year was hit so hard . We were again stopped by huge trucks with dirt trying to protect the railroads . When we got to the road we wanted to check out it said road closed , so we drove on to get to the other entrance . When we go there , the road was gone . It was nothing but water . Last year these brand new houses were surrounded by water , and could not even use their driveway so I am pretty sure the houses are or will soon be under water this year . Then we got to the river . We were both amazed . . . . The recreation area our neighbors are part of was entirely under water . The fields that we normally see are now part of the river . I have never seen the MO River this huge . Phil said as we were driving over this narrow bridge that he did not want to come over this bridge again until the flooding is over . After the bridge you drive up a steep hill then back down into Plattsmouth . Through the trees I caught a glimpse of the river area . . . . . Where there used to be a wildlife preserve , and a recreation area was nothing but water . . . When we got down the hill into town the road was blocked so we were not able to get any closer , but it looked like it was totally under water to the rail road tracks . From there we drove north into Bellevue . We crossed over the Platt river . . . totally out of itsBack into Iowa we drove along a back road closer to the river than we are . . . . People are packing up preparing to leave . Houses are businesses are sandbagged ready for the water . My heart was so heavy watching them pack and preparing to leave their homes . I don 't know what they are feeling , but I am sure their hearts are broken , and they must feel tattered . . . . I am so thankful to live where we do . I think I will be able to get to work even under the worst of conditions but if not I have a great place to be safe . Phil and I talked yesterday about what if 's . . . . . . and how would I . I think I can get to work , going some back roads . Thankfully we are high and dry . There is no way we can be flooded by this situation , ( not saying that we could never be flooded ) Well , here it is Memorial day weekend already . It is hard to believe it is almost June . The weather is still frightful . We are getting so much rain , and the high today was only 55 . The chicks are getting so big . They are not big enough to butcher yet , but getting closer . Phil said when he went to feed them today they flew onto his shoulder to get food from him . We certainly need to clip some wings ! Well , I started this two days ago , and just now getting back to it . Friday night we went to a movie in Glenwood . It is always nice to have a " date night " . Yesterday was spent working in the garden . Today I woke to rain , so was not able to work outside . I cleaned my office ! ! ! That may not sound like a big deal but it was ! In our house when we don 't know what to do with something it ends up in the office or my bedroom . After a while it is overwhelming ! Next I need to tackle my bedroom ! I am in the mood to de - clutter , so I have a load to take to Goodwill . One of the cool things I uncovered today ( I had simply forgotten about it ) was a year book from 1924 . I asked for some advice and found a new owner for it . I didn 't want it … . But didn 't know what to do with it . Now , it will be used for the annual alumni banquet in Weeping Water . This afternoon I was able to go outside and work in the garden . I have all the starter plants replanted ( after they were frozen or flooded out ) … . I still need to plant some seeds , but it is looking really good . I have new / different plants to try this year . I am excited to see what happens with my ground cherries . From what I read , they are sweet and wonderful . I am also trying different grains . Hopefully we can use some of the grains to feed the chickens . Delana invited us to go to a baseball game with them on Tuesday . Olivia won a free ticket because she read so much during the school year . I am excited to go because I have not been to the new ballpark yet . I don 't know if the girls will be " into " the game , but Dora the Explorer will be there on Tuesday , so I know they will like that . Grandpa is excited to take his mitt and hopefully catch a ball . Well , here it is the next day … . . gosh it takes me a while to get things done . This is the last day of my 3 day weekend . I need to get some seeds in the ground . The kids are coming over in a bit , so I will have some help . I wish I could stay home every day . I think I would get so much done ( or maybe not ) . I keep thinking ahPosted by I am not sure where to begin . Life has been so busy lately . The weather has been so crazy . Last week we had a freeze , and earlier this week it was almost 100 degrees . I decided to take Friday off to work in the garden . It rained buckets on Wednesday and Thursday . Friday and Today ( Saturday ) have been cold and nasty ! I am worried that I am not going to get the garden in and still have time to grow and harvest . Phil has been working so hard the last few weeks to get water down to the chicken coop . It is a pain to carry water down to the chickens every day . It wasn 't bad when we had only 30 chickens . Now that we have all these babies it is a lot of work . He always " over does " everything , so I now have water to the chickens AND to both garden areas . I am so excited . This is going to be so nice this summer . He is a wonderful husband ! The chicks have taken so much time since March . We had them in the house for a couple of weeks . After that to the barn . They were so little at first and the brooder seemed so big for them . Phil made the brooder out of a shelf that was in Delanas old house . She was going to leave it , so he pulled it out and brought it home . It is a 2 story model with a ramp between so the chicks can go between the two levels . About 6 weeks later the chicks had outgrown the brooder . Last Sunday we moved them to the chicken coop . Phil ( gosh that man does a lot around here ) made an area for only the babies . They are separated by a fence , so when the time comes they will all know each other . Anyway , last Sunday we moved them . We put them in a cage , 20 at a time and moved them . The first load Phil held the cage and I caught and put them in . After it was done we looked at my arms and realized I was bleeding . Those chicks had scratched me with their toe nails everywhere . I put a long sleeve shirt on for the rest of the journey . When I went to work the next day my boss said it looked like I got into a fight with a bear ! They are much happier in the larger space . This afternoon was warmer and I ventured out to the garden to plant . It is still to cold , but I planted tomatoes , corn , pumpkins , melons , and beans . I still have so much to plant , and I wonder how I will get it done . It always gets done but I wonder how ? It 's been quite a while since I have blogged . It 's not that I have been to busy , I think I just had nothing to write about . Our life out here is pretty quiet . I go to work and then come home . Phil doesn 't get out very often at all . I am happy with this kind of life . Phil complains about the chickens and how much work they are , but I think he likes them too . They are all getting so big , they need to go outside to the run but the weather is not cooperating . It is still pretty cold . I can 't wait to get them outside and let them get some fresh air . I 'm sure they are looking forward to that as well . It is funny to watch them mature . Most of the meat chickens ( if not all ) are roosters . They are chest bumping each other and starting to tussle around . When we come to feed them they rush the door trying to get the first piece of food . One jumped out last weekend and we chased it for a while . Phil told me that 8 of them jumped out this morning … and he had no one to help him . Apparently he managed to catch them all and get them settled in again . The ducks got a new home a couple of days ago . The rooster we were keeping to butcher found a new home . Phil 's buddy wanted him , so the cage in the barn was now free for new animals . These poor ducks are so much bigger than the chicks , but apparently the chicks pick on them and pull their feathers out . Phil is hoping the ducks will be pets rather than livestock . I personally hope that at least one of them is a female . Duck eggs are great ! If two were female and one a male that would be perfect . I 'd love to have some little ducks following her around . I have been doing very well selling eggs . Last Monday I had 8 dozen eggs and no customers in sight . I posted them on a local food web site and I took some to work . The last two weeks have been crazy . Phil and I have not had any eggs at home because so many people want them . I sure hope that keeps up . I took some of the honey from last year to work with me as well . I was sold out in 2 days ! Now I have people anxiously awPosted by Spring is here . . . or almost . Tomorrow is the Official first day of spring . Every day I see more signs that winter is ( almost ) over . The trees are starting to come to life . I see grass coming back . The bees are out buzzing and collecting necter . I took today off from work . It is so nice to have a 3 day weekend and get some things done . I started laundry then realized that the neighbors were burning down the hillside . . . . that would not be a problem except now my laundry ( hung outside ) smells like smoke . Oh well . . . . I did a full inspection of the bee hives today . The spring inspection is always quite long . . . trying to find the queen ( I can never find her ! ! ) and making sure there are eggs and larve . I swaped positions of the boxes so they can build up ( the way they like to do ) . They look really good . I am so happy to see them healthy . This is the first year I was able to winter them over . I am excited to see how they grow this summer . The chickens are doing well . I am so excited that they are once again paying for themselves . The price of chicken food has raised so much we had to raise the price of our eggs , so far it doesn 't seem to matter to our customers ! I am thankful for my loyal customers . I think if I had more eggs I could sell them all . People love farm fresh eggs . We are trying to incorporate the " sick chicks " and the babies into the flock . I have never seen a cock fight until today . I am wondering if it would have been worse if they were not brothers and raised together ? ? ? It was amazing to see they actually drew blood ! I think we are going to have to cull one of the roosters . I don 't think they can live together anymore . I really try to be objective and never get attached but I still do . The chickens are still pets . I still cry when I have to butcher them . I am getting ready for planting season . The beans I harvested last fall for seed were still sitting in my shed . . . . so I needed to harvest them . They are now ready to be planted . Last summer I bought a bunch of seeds at an auction and I wanted to make sure they are good seeds . These seeds were stored in jars in the worst possible conditions . They still seem to have survived . The chickens are enjoying the sprouts ! What a year this has been already . We are certainly newby chicken farmers . . but I didn 't think we would be such BAD chicken farmers . We have tried to follow all the rules , as far as we understood them . Since bringing chickens to our home last summer we have learned a lot . I thought I knew so much ( being raised by farmers and around farm animals ) but the longer we have animals the less I realize I know . I had no idea that chickens can catch a cold that will turn into pnemonia . We lost quite a few chickens … . . I didn 't count and I don 't want to know . We not only lost the chickens , we lost all the eggs from ALL of the chickens for a minimum of a month . Last weekend was the climax of the illness . Our favorite hen , our only Rhode Island Red got sick and died in Phil 's arms . It appears that the worst is over , we have two hens that are still suffering , the rest seem to be much better . In a couple of weeks the medicine will be out of their system and we will once again get back to selling eggs . My customers are understanding and anxious to get back to production . I have been getting up at 3 : 45 every ( weekday ) morning and going to the gym before work . Although it is good for my body , it makes me very tired and probably cranky . Phil says I pretty much fade out after dinner . I try to sleep in on the weekends to " catch up " . Sleeping in for me is 7 AM ! ! I had planned to get up at 7 because we have some things to do this morning but at 6 : 45 I was awakened by a loud Cock a doodle doo from the barn area . I am amazed to see Phil becoming more and more like my dad . They never met so this is kind of crazy . Phil was a city boy . He used to pay his guys to take care of his garden ! He had never lived in the country , never taken care of machinery etc he paid his workers to do all of that . ( He owned a sprinkler business ) Now , living out here he is maintaining all of the machinery . He builds whatever needs to be built , and he keeps this place running . He will take some scrap wood and make a chicken " hospital " or fix somePosted by I sometimes feel as if the person I was four years ago is gone and replaced by someone else , not entirely but in many ways . The person I used to be enjoyed going out frequently . I was an avid follower of the local arts and went to many productions of theater , opera , etc . The new me . I really love to stay home . Our house is not beautiful . It is not a house to entertain in and I don 't really like it . Our land is breathtaking . I am so happy that I feel like I am in a place I belong . I love watching the gardens grow and change . It is so exciting to pull up a fresh sweet carrot unlike anything you will ever get in a store . The blackberries are so sweet and juicy ; you mouth smiles without realizing it . Winter is tough . I go through a time when I am at least somewhat depressed . The lack of sunshine affects me more than many people . I try really hard , but it still makes me crazy . I have found a new project this winter . My boss , Dale , is a hunter . We hit it off when we first met , and have been building a friendship every since . He brought me some deer meat a while back and I made it into jerky . Since then I found that you can request deer meat from hunter who want to hunt but don 't want the meat . I butchered my first deer a few weeks ago . I wasn 't sure if I could do it . Phil went with me to pick it up and by the time we got home it was pretty late , so left it for a few days ( it was quite cold outside ) . The day I worked up my courage it was still cold outside ! Phil helped me drag her into the garage and onto a makeshift table . He said it was up to me to do this , and he played Packman . The first cut was the most difficult . I started at the neck and skinned her out . I was surprised that I got it done so quickly . Cutting the meat off was not difficult , but I am sure I didn 't get all the cuts right . I washed it all off the next day and started making jerky . The rest I froze until I am ready to start on it again . I was amazed that I was able to do that ! I am ( was ) pretty wimpy . My next step I guess is to actually go outPosted by |
Will be delayed for a few days ! So sorry , but I 'm so behind since G - man and I got back from vacation . Not only dealing with catching up at work but also with his back injury . It won 't be too long though , I promise . I 'll have the post up next week . Thanks so much for your patience everyone ! Hi Everyone ! I am posting this a day early because I am leaving on vacation tomorrow . I will be gone next week so there will be no post . I will resume regular posts on Friday , October 29 ! Zeus had been pondering the problem of Pandora for weeks ; why wouldn 't that silly girl just open the damn jar and prove him right ! The girl was exemplifying the trustworthiness of womankind and Zeus knew better ; women couldn 't be trusted . Even his darling Hera , as much as he hated to admit it would look out for herself first . And curious ; she wrote the tablets on curiosity , always pushing for answers . Hera was right about one thing though , what was called for was a bit of motivation on Pandora 's part ; yes just the right incentive to prompt her into action . But what was that he wondered . In truth he didn 't know . He sat tapping his fingers on the ornate arm rest of his mighty throne , lost in thought and oblivious to all around him . He had sent Dionysus , his light - hearted son who favored wine and forever frolicking with his friends the Satyrs to try and tempt Pandora with a bit of extra - marital activities , but alas , that failed . Dionysus was totally enchanted by the lovely and delightful Pandora but the woman was totally devoted to Epimetheus and would not be tempted . It seemed she had no Achilles heel that would provide the opening that Zeus needed . Zeus banged his hand loudly on the arm rest and thunder rumbled across Olympus . Far below the people ran for cover , seeking shelter from what would surely be a fearful storm . Zeus laughed and tossed a few lightning bolts around too , just to provide further amusement . Finally Hera came to him to see what was bothering her wayward husband this time . And wayward he was indeed . Just this morning she had caught him trying to get Heracles , his bastard son by a mere mortal woman , to suckle at her breast in an attempt to nourish the infant . She had thrust the child away , causing her breast milk to spill into the heaven 's creating the Milky Way . Served him right she decided as she watched as he scrambled to protect his progeny . Zeus was a rascal and a philanderer , immoral and depraved but may the Gods help her , she loved him . She often watched from on high as he chased various women to spread his seed amongst the mortal and Gods alike . Hera didn 't have enough fingers and toes to count the numerous offspring of his infidelities . But she loved him still , her heart refusing to let go of him . Pandora was vexing him greatly . Secretly , Hera was proud of the young woman who steadfastly refused to be tempted into opening the jar that she had been told NOT to open . But each day Zeus became more and more obsessed with the problem and Hera feared that they must find a solution soon , least he destroy all humankind . Yes , they must soon find a solution … Cassie enjoyed her meal that Georgio and his parents had brought her . As she tasted various bites of this and that she asked questions and complimented Eleni on the beautiful marriage of flavor of the dishes . Georgio sat back and relaxed finally , watching the interaction between his mother and Cassie ; he saw his father watching as well . His papi caught his eye and nodded approvingly . Georgio returned the nod and grinned broadly . Cassie and his mother were getting along really well and Georgio let out a huge sigh of relief . Belinda and his mother had gotten along , but they were never close . Belinda had never quite fit in with the loud and noisy Gorman family . She had been a very quiet person and while passionate and outspoken about her causes she felt like a fish out of water with the Gorman 's . She went about her life in a calm manner , about as different from Georgio 's family as someone could be . Cassie on the other hand was a person in motion , literally and figuratively . She was curious and inquisitive , always looking for answers . The sparkle in her eyes illustrated her love of life and made being around her so much fun . The one thing he had learned from her was that she seldom pulled her punches though ; if she thought it she usually said it . She was however very sensitive to others and at least used some thought and tact before saying too much . " Georgie ? " He realized his mother had spoken to him and looked up to see all three of them watching him . " Yes , I 'm sorry ; just uh , wool - gathering I guess . What did I miss ? " She grinned at him in sympathy , as if she had been reading his thoughts . " I just told your parents that I am being released on Monday Georgio . " She watched him as her words sank in . " WHAT ? When did you find out ? " he asked as he jumped to his feet and then leant down to kiss her . He didn 't care if his parents were in the room , he was ecstatic . " You 're going home ? Cassie darling , that is wonderful ! " She laughed , her eyes sparking merrily . " I just found out a couple of hours ago . I wanted to tell you in person , so I didn 't call . Monday morning I will be leaving this place . I 'll be going to stay with my parents , " she said , almost apologetically . A brief moment of disappointment flitted across his face , but he hid it quickly . He knew that was how it needed to be for awhile , until she could comfortably and easily get around . And , it would possibly be a good obstacle to keep them apart , physically for a bit longer . He hated to admit that , but he knew it was true . " That will be good for you . Your house has stairs Cassie and that would be too much for you to deal with for awhile . It won 't be forever , " he added as he saw a bit of sadness in her eyes because she realized as he did that it would keep them apart a bit longer . Still , they would have private time together and neither one could wait for that . " Yes , such a good thing to be with family , " Eleni added . " And get some home cooking ! My goodness you are practically wasted away to nothing here in this hospital ! " " El - Mama , I hate to tell you this but this is pretty natural for me . I 'm one of those annoying people who just never gain any weight . But I 'm sure going to enjoy better food , that 's for sure . And I hope lot 's more Greek cuisine ! " she added . " Oh , I would love that Mama ! It would make me very happy to learn . " She reached across the table top and laid her hand on top of Eleni 's , giving her hand a warm squeeze . It brought tears to Eleni 's eyes ; such a dear girl and she obviously made Georgio so happy . Yes , this was perfect for her yios ! Suddenly she remembered the shawl she had brought to give to Cassie and reached for the bag that was sitting next to her on the floor . She handed the bag to Cassie with a smile and said , " For you ! " Cassie accepted the bag and looked at Georgio quizzically , as if to say , " For me ? " and he nodded , a warm smile on his face . She opened the bag and took out a beautiful lace shawl . As she held it up she realized it wasn 't exactly lace , it was tatted , an old fashioned way of making lace . This was old , she could tell and she was over - whelmed by this beautiful gift . " I love it . Thank you so much , but are you sure you want me to have it ? I - I can tell that it is very old and I think it is tatted . It must have some type of significance to you . " " Yes , it does and you have a very good eye Cassie . My mother made it ; she loved to tat and she never sat idle , without her tatting in her lap . We all , the women in this family have shawls that she made ; this one is for you . " She was sincere as she spoke and Cassie caught tears in her eyes . This was significant ; this woman was welcoming her into this family and Cassie felt awed by her generosity and caring . Cass felt a huge lump rise in her throat and swallowed a couple of times in an effort to push it back down so she could speak . Tears sprang to her eyes and finally found their way down her cheeks . She wiped them away with a fingertip and smiled at Eleni and Ronald who were both watching her . Georgio was holding her hand and lightly ran his thumb over the soft skin of her palm in an effort to help her compose her thoughts . " I , um , I can 't tell you how much this means to me , to be given the special gift . I promise that I will cherish it and always hold it dear to me Mama . I don 't believe I 've ever received something so special and personal from someone . Thank you . " Eleni smiled through her own tears and kissed Cassie on the cheek again before standing . " Ronnie , I think it 's time we left these two to talk of private things . Georgie , you call your Mama soon okay ? And bring Cassie to dinner very soon ! " Cassie and Georgio sat quietly as his parents left and the door closed . Georgio leaned back in his chair and held out his hand to Cassie . She came to him and he gently pulled her down onto his lap and held her close . For a few minutes they just held one another , each afraid to break the spell of the evening and the happiness and joy that they felt . Finally Georgio kissed her , a long and tender kiss full of passion and promises of the future . Cassie returned the kiss , giving herself to the moment and man she loved . Monday dawned slowly , as far as Cassie was concerned anyway . She was ready to go by six , dressed and packed even though her parents weren 't due until nine . Georgio had a surgery scheduled that morning , but he called her to talk to her for a few minutes before he went in . " Hi darling . Are you excited ? " he asked . Cassie could hear the sounds on the hospital in the background ; someone speaking over an intercom and others talking around him . It was a sound she was getting very familiar with and she was perfectly okay with that . It was comforting to her to hear those sounds because it meant that Georgio was working and that someone else would get better because of that . " Yes , I am so excited . I can 't wait to get out of here , you know ? To just be at home , well , mom and dad 's but still home to me . " " I know Cassie . And I can 't wait to see you tonight . Are you sure your parents don 't mind that I 'm coming over this evening ? " He didn 't want to seem too pushy but he needed to see her . He felt a tap on his should and one of his surgical nurses said , " Dr . Gorman , we 're ready . " Cassie looked out the car window on the short trip to her parent 's house , the house she had grown up in . They passed Sarah 's old house on the way , a block away and Cassie saw that the pin oaks were still holding on their leaves . Sarah and Cassie both loved the old pin oak trees ; they were always the last to lose their leaves with it often being past Christmas before they were completely shed of their colorful cloaks . Sarah and Cass would rake those leaves up into huge piles and then dive in , scattering them to the four winds , laughing until they were practically senseless . At her parents ' house she had three steps to climb to get into the house and it was really easy . Cassie couldn 't help but to be a bit relieved about that . Her parents house was a large rambling 1930 's bungalow that just felt like home to her . She waited while her dad unlocked the front door and she smiled as she heard Max , her Shih Tzu who was barking excitedly . But what was that she wondered ? Was there another dog in there too ? Cassie 's dad snorted and held back a laugh with a cough . " Read that as , she is worried about when Max goes home because she has come to like having the little guy around . So , she got HIM a companion ! " Cassie held out her hand so that Cinder could sniff it and talked soothingly to her . " Hi there Cinder , aren 't you the pretty girl ? I 'll bet you are the little princess around here aren 't you ? " " ED ! " Cassie 's mom said , stopping him before he finished the last word of a sentence she heard way too often . " They 're just dogs , they do those things but we don 't need to hear about it all the time ! " Cass smiled at the familiarity of it all and pulled her coat off . Ed Banks took it and hung it up in the closet along with his and Alice 's ' as well . Cassie sat down on the couch and both dogs looked up at her since she had disturbed their slumber . She sat on the opposite end from them and Max immediately got up and moved next to her . She started stroking his back and he sighed and snuggled closer to her . Cinder had raised her head and stared at her friend who had left her . Cassie smiled at her and patted the couch next to Max , who was already snoring . Cinder debated for a moment and finally curiosity won out ; that and a need for the warmth provided by Max 's body . Soon , she was settled next to him and snoring as well . " Georgie , " he heard his mother say on the other end of the phone . " It 's time you came for dinner again , with your papi and I this weekend . You come Saturday night , okay ? " No ' hello ' or ' how are you ' , just right to the point - come to dinner . It was true he hadn 't been over for a few weeks , but he had been really busy with work and when he wasn 't at work he was with Cassie . He 'd spend every moment with her if he could and he had wanted to see her Saturday evening , maybe bring her something special for dinner and they could just spend some quiet time together . It didn 't matter what they did , he just wanted to see her . He sighed and then smiled , knowing that he couldn 't disappoint his mother . Georgio sighed ; no matter how old he was he would always be her ' little boy ' . Sometimes that wasn 't necessarily a bad thing , but right now it was pushing it . He was tired ; he 'd been in surgery for 14 hours today and hadn 't had a chance to see Cassie . He was going to hit the shower and then call her before crawling into what he had come to think of as a very lonely bed . He could hear her clicking her tongue , a sure sign of displeasure . " You be a good boy and go to bed Georgie ! You need your rest ! We 'll see you Saturday , okay ? " " Okay , I 'll be there . " He heard the phone click on the other end and then the dial tone before he hung up the receiver . As he made his way to the bathroom his clothes came off , piece by piece and he was so tired he didn 't even bother with them . He was normally pretty neat , but tonight it just didn 't matter . After a practically scalding shower he began to feel a bit better ; aching muscles became flexible again and he thought he might just survive . It was only 10 p . m . , maybe he should run out to see Cassie instead of calling . Her smiling face always made him feel better . He decided to give her a call first just in case she was asleep . If she was he could just go and peek in on her ; it certainly wouldn 't be the first time he had just stood and watched her sleep . He did that a few times while she was in the hospital and he loved watching her , so serene while she slept . She often made soft little sighs and he hoped that meant that she was having a happy dream . It made her seem so much more vulnerable and more than once he had had to fight himself to keep from going to her and gathering her up in his arms and holding her close . Georgio sat down in the den and put his feet up and waited impatiently for his call to Cassie to go through . He was calling her cell phone because the desk at the rehab cut off incoming phone calls to the rooms at 10 : 00 o ' clock . Just when he thought the call would go to voice mail she answered . He heard her mutter ' damn ' as she tried to turn the sound on the television down . " Hi ! Are you just getting home ? " she asked , suddenly feeling like a teenager . She licked her lips and pushed her hair back from her face . It was starting to grow out and she decided to let it and see if she liked it long . " Hey , that 's okay Georgio , I understand . Truthfully , I 'm kind of tired myself . I had a hard day at the workout barn today ! " She laughed , but it was a wry laugh because her words were very true . It had been grueling . One the other hand though all the upper body strength training was making her boobs a bit perkier and that never hurt anything ! For several heartbeats she was silent and he knew that she was thinking the same thing . Their need for one another was growing stronger every single day . It was two weeks before Thanksgiving now and he had hopes that she would be out of the rehab before too much longer . She was growing stronger every single day and walking farther distances each day on the track . Yes , he hoped she would be going home soon . Not that it would change things on a physical level for them , but just to have some private time , to sit next to her and hold her close would be such a blessing . " Why don 't you come and see for yourself ? I 'm wearing this sexy little red lace number ; I think you 'll like it ! " she teased . She looked down at the flannel pajamas she was actually wearing and a crooked grin spread across her face . Oh , if only it were the red lace ! " Red lace huh ? Tell me about it ? " he teased right back . He knew that she wasn 't wearing any such thing but he had absolutely no problem imagining it . He felt himself start to grow hard with that thought and he added , " Okay , so maybe you 'd better not ! " " Hey , I think you need to get some rest . I know that they are pushing you really hard so you can get out of there . So sleep well Cassie . I 'll see you tomorrow , I promise ! " Every muscle in Georgio 's body protested when he got out of the chair to head to bed . On the way he did manage to scoop up his discarded clothes that he had left lying around and he threw them into the hamper in the bathroom . He yanked the comforter and sheet down and sat down on the edge of the bed while he set the alarm for the next morning . After he settled into the bed his thoughts returned to Cassie . Honestly , he felt like he was some kind of horny teenager where she was concerned ; he couldn 't get her out of his head . He imagined her in some kind of sexy red lace nightie and it drove him positively wild with desire . He was hard and aching for her no matter which way he laid in the bed he couldn 't get comfortable . He wouldn 't have felt any comfort to know that 4 miles away in her hospital bed Cassie was having the same problem . Georgio had Saturday rounds to make at the hospital before he headed off to his parents house . He hoped that his mom had meant it when she said it was just him and Mom and Dad . He wanted a quiet dinner before he went to Cassie 's . He adored the nieces and nephews , but tonight he just wasn 't up for it . As soon as he walked through the door at his parents ' house he smelled the aromas of home and the past . Eleni had made Souvlaki , Georgio 's childhood favorite and poached pears in a sugared wine sauce . The fragrance of the spices immediately set his taste buds on overdrive . " Mama , Papi , I 'm here ! " he called out . He took his coat off and hung it in the closet by the front door . " In here , Yios ! " he heard his mother say . He made his way into the kitchen and saw his mother at the stove , stirring the sauce for the pears . His dad was setting at the table reading a medical journal . Georgio kissed his mother 's soft cheek and smelled the Chanel No 5 that she had worn ever since he could remember . That and the face powder she favored as well . It was intrinsically her ' smell ' and he loved it . It meant that all was right with the world . When Ronald Gorman started to rise Georgio laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and said , " Mama , I got it . Sit down Papi ! " He poured a small glass and took it to the table to sit and chat with his dad . He was reading an article about advances in the treatment of Alzheimer 's Disease and Ronald shook his head and said " It 's such a shame some of this treatment is just coming out now ; it really could have helped your yia yia . " Eleni looked at him as if he had lost his mind and said , " What , you think I don 't feed you enough ? Why wouldn 't I make enough for leftovers ? Look at you , you 're practically skin and bones , Yios ! " " Well , why didn 't you bring her to dinner with you ? What 's the matter with you ? Didn 't I teach you any manners ? " Eleni looked ashamed for a moment before she started to speak again . " We always have plenty . Why wouldn 't you bring her to meet us ? Are you ashamed of us ? " Georgio mentally shook his head . His mom always went for the guilt approach and made him feel like crap . " No Mama , that 's not it - she 's in the hospital . " " Well , it 's actually the rehab hospital now , but she was in an accident a few months ago and had an incomplete spinal injury . No surgery , but I treated her while she was at the hospital . Now she 's , um , just a friend . " Eleni 's eyebrows raised a half an inch at his admission . It was not really of importance , but still she could hope . The point was that Georgio was interested in this woman and that was a good thing - the best thing actually . " So you are going to take her a plate of my food ? Well good . If she 's in the hospital I 'm sure she is fairly starving . I 've tasted the food they serve there ; it 's not fit for people to eat ! You should have mentioned this before and I would have made sure she had decent food ! " " It 's okay Mama , I 've brought her plates of your food before and I bring her other things as well , so do her parents and other friends . She owns a catering business here and she knows good food . She thinks yours is outstanding ! " Butter her up a bit , Georgio decided . " No Mama , that 's not necessary . I 'll take it to her , it 's chilly out and I know how the cold bother 's your arthritis . " Try a tactical defense … " Nonsense ! Ronnie , help me get these dishes into the dishwasher . No , wait , Georgie , you help your papi and I will get the plate ready for Cassie . Come on , hurry up . " Georgio wondered if he could drag out loading the dishwasher but one look at his mother 's determined face told him she wasn 't going to put up with any nonsense or delaying tactics . Better to just get it over . Still , it pissed him off each time he heard his father chuckle as he rinsed a dish . The chore done they were ready to go . His mother had packed a huge plate full of food for Cassie and also one of her prize shawls that her mother had made . She wrapped that up as well and they went outside to get into the car . Georgio said , " Mama , Papi , you might want to take your own car ; I 'll probably stay much later than you will , so I can talk with Cassie . " Ronald nodded and pushed the button to raise the garage door . Eleni stood for a moment , debating whether or not to just get in Georgio 's car . It wasn 't that she didn 't trust him , but she didn 't want to let him out of her sight . He had a woman in his life and she wasn 't going to let it go ! The ride to the hospital was fairly quiet ; Eleni asked a few more questions about Cassie , all of which Georgio answered . At the rehab hospital they all walked in and Georgio 's heart started to beat a bit faster . Partly because he was going to see Cassie and partly because he was going to see Cassie with his parents ! At her door he knocked softly and heard her say come in . He opened the door , an apologetic look on his face and was greeted with the most beautiful sight ; his love dressed in sexy black lounging pajama 's , her hair pinned up and make up on . She looked breath - taking ! Her face lit up , glowing with pleasure at his words . Then she saw the people following behind him and looked puzzled . She thought they must have the wrong room , but Georgio sort of shook his head and so she waited to see who they were . Eleni all but threw the bag with dinner and the shawl in it at Ronald and made a dash for Cassie . She bent to kiss her , once , twice on each cheek and she smiled her joy at meeting Cassie . Cassie immediately recognized that smile ; it was plastered on Georgio 's handsome face . She didn 't know what was happening , but it was okay . She instinctively liked his parents ; how could she not when they raised such a wonderful man . Ronald set the bag down and greeted her as well , sans the kisses . He was a handsome man and she thought she could see exactly what Georgio would look like thirty years from now . " Um , please , sit down . Here , at the table . Georgio , maybe you could get another chair from down the hall , please ? " she asked . She could smell the delectable aroma coming from the bag and she couldn 't wait to dig in , even if she did have company . " Here Cassie , please sit down and let me get your dinner out for you . My goodness you are tiny little thing aren 't you ? Shame on Georgie for not telling me about you sooner ! You need good food , not like the cardboard stuff they must feed you here . You no worry , I will make sure you have plenty of good food from now on , okay ? " " The appetizer platter of course , spicy fried rice , shrimp panang and the spicy beef stir fry you like ! Think I have enough food here ? " Sarah laughed , setting it all out on her tray table which was pulled up to a chair where she was sitting . Sarah pulled up another chair opposite of it and dug through the bag for looking chopsticks and napkins . " She went to get her hair done . Actually , I think she just wanted to give us some time alone , which was cool I thought . How was therapy this morning ? Yesterday you looked wiped - out ! " " It was better this morning , but I 'll be tired like that after this afternoon 's therapy . They have me on the parallel bars walking , and that just zaps my energy . That 's why I 've got some time to rest today , before they have me do that again . " " Yeah , you know you don 't think about things like that - getting tired just by walking a few steps I mean . I never had any idea it would be like this . We walk around all our lives , so who would think that being flat on your back for just a few weeks would make your body totally lose its strength and muscle control . It just amazes me really . " " I 'm just so grateful that you are recovering so quickly , Cassie . I know that 's not always the case with spinal cord injuries … " Sarah trailed off . She thought about people who never recovered and offered yet another hasty prayer of thanks to God for Cassie 's ability to recover . " Yeah , it really could have been totally different . " She was thoughtful for a minute while she took a bite of the beef , which made her tongue tingle from the heat . " Whoa mama ! This is hot ! But very , very good , " she grinned , wiping fake sweat off of her brow . Sarah giggled and then asked , " So , how is Dr . Gorgeous ? " " Cassie ! " Sarah exclaimed , " What have you been doing ? " She tried to sound indignant or outraged , but it didn 't come off well and Cass called her on it . " You better let Adam do the acting , okay , because you really stink at it ! " she laughed . " Okay , okay I 'm not an actress . I get the point . But … back to the point which was Dr . Gorgeous ! C ' mon on Cass , spit it out ! " Her laughing abruptly stopped and Sarah realized that there was something serious about Cass and Dr . Gorman and whatever it was , she hoped she didn 't get hurt . " He 's , uh , I 'm - uh , I 've never known anyone like him . He is so dedicated to what he does , but every once in a while he breaks out of the doctor mode and just talks , like , like a normal guy . I don 't have a crush on the doctor part of him , really I don 't . I mean , people say that often time 's patients develop crushes like that . He helped me so much as a doctor , and I am so very grateful , but my feelings are different than that , " she told Sarah , utterly serious . " We talk about things that don 't have anything to do with my injury or recovery . Like when he comes to see me now , I mean he always asks how I feel or what I 've done , but he really isn 't my doctor any longer , those are just questions that get him here I think . Mostly we talk about who we are , what we do , our families . I love hearing about his - his dad was in WW II and was in Greece , where he met Eleni , Georgio 's mother . They had a whirlwind romance and he married her . Then it took almost 2 years to get her into the states , but they finally succeeded when she was pregnant with their first child . Georgio is the youngest of 10 kids ! " " Yes , his name is Georgio and he was married , but she died almost 7 years ago . They didn 't have any children ; she had ovarian cancer , before she died from it . It sounds very sad , doesn 't it ? " " Yes . I would imagine that something like that is all the more frustrating when you are a doctor and can 't really do anything . So what else do you know about him ? " Sarah prodded . " Well , he 's 44 and as I said , the baby of the family . His oldest brother is almost 61 . Both his parents are still living and spend about half of the year in Greece and half here . He has 5 brothers and 4 sisters and dozens of nieces and nephews and he dotes on all of them , " she said as she was finishing her meal . " His mother and sisters are fabulous cooks . He 's brought me food a couple of times . Delish ! " She leaned back in the chair and laid her hand on her tummy , which even though she has been lying around for weeks , was as flat as ever . But then again , Cass never gains any weight Sarah thought . If you see her from behind , you would think she is a high school girl she is so lithe and petite . " Oh my , I guess this is just all such a surprise Cass , " Sarah tried to keep a smile on her face , but it was hard for her ; concern for Cassie was vividly entrenching itself in her head . Cassie got caught up so easily in romance and got hurt so often . She opened her heart and invariably some jerk trampled all over it ; Sarah prayed this was different . It wasn 't exactly that Cassie fell in love all the time ; in fact Sarah wondered if it ever had come to that after Walt . She just tried to fall in love , thinking that would make everything better . There was something about all this though that made Sarah think that it had actually happened and while she could see very well how Cass felt it told her nothing about the good doctor . What did he think ? " Sarah , I see how concerned you are ; I don 't blame you really , given my past history . But he is different ; he feels the same as I do . We have months to figure it all out ; we 're not rushing anything especially while I 'm in here . " " I think so but you have to understand that I am not his patient any longer and nothing was discussed about this until that was a fact . Although I knew how I felt before that and so did he I think . " She reached across the table and said , " One day at a time Sarah , I promise . " " It was fantastic Cass ! I was so scared to meet them all ; I was afraid Tamara would be some glamorous Hollywood type and she wasn 't at all ! I mean , she sort of looks like it , but she 's not . " " Tall , thin , a beautiful olive complexion and long , dark hair . Really graceful and lovely , but she is so down to earth and nice . So are his parents ; his father looks just like Adam , only older so it is easy to see how he will look in 20 years of so ! His mom looks just like Julie Andrews , I kid you not ! I felt so at home with them all . " Both of Cassie 's eyebrows arched upwards in surprise , but her words made Sarah laugh . " And so she should be ! Aren 't brunettes always jealous of stunning blondes ? " Sarah kind of looked down at herself and shook her head . " I don 't know about that . But we got on really well . She 's funny and really put me at ease . You 'll actually like her whenever you have a chance to meet her . The best part of the trip was the boys though ! " " If Gerald is the older version of Adam the boys are the younger , dark curly hair and dimples . They are both very sweet and they adore their father . Geoff is the younger and he took pity on me and sort of showed me the California ropes , so to speak . He is adorable and they are both really accepting of their parents relationships with other partners . Can you guess who Tamara is living with ? " " Yes . He is really nice as well . These people totally blew my image of Hollywood . Tamara is a set designer , does the sets for many famous movies including River of Doubt . " " No , they don 't either . " She laughed and added , " It was totally surprising , . The surprise birthday party was wonderful and so was the day at the beach , the next day . " " Sure . We played girls against boys . We only beat them by a dozen runs or so ! " She laughed long and hard over that because the look on Adam 's face was so precious . Of course , when he made her ' pay ' later on , well , that was pretty good too ! " Cassie , Adam 's house sets right on the beach and the view is spectacular ! It is three levels and is built into the side of the cliff . You come in on the ground level which is actually the top level of the house . The next level down is where the bedrooms are and then the lower level is the kitchen , dining room , patio room , that kind of stuff . The patio room leads out to the patio of course . He has a pool even and an outside hot tub and a kitchen to die for . It turns out Adam is somewhat of a gourmet chef . " " No kidding ? He can cook too ? " Cassie grinned thinking she might actually have something in common with him after all . And since Sarah hardly cooked this was a lucky break for her . " He is an amazing cook . He made scrambled eggs here one morning that were the best I 'd ever had . When I asked him about them he said they were his mother 's recipe and that if he told me he 'd have to kill me , so I 'd have to ask her . Well , I did and you know what the ' special ' ingredient turned out to be ? Guess ! Just take a guess ! " " Wine , white fizzy wine to be exact ! " " Whose smuggling wine in here ? " a new voice asked . Georgio strolled into the room with vase of more of the deep pink roses . They had had to throw out the first ones the day before and Cassie had felt so bummed about it . He was also grinning broadly when he saw that Cassie was apparently enjoying her visitor . " Yes , " she answered watching him as he bent down and quickly kissed Cassie . His eyes drank her in and Sarah unconsciously let out a breath that she had been emotionally holding . He really did care about Cass ; things suddenly seemed so much clearer . " Dr . Gorman , how are you ? " " Please Sarah , call me Georgio ! And I 'm much better now that I 'm here . " He pulled a second chair up to join them and said to Cassie , " How are you today ? How did your aqua therapy go this morning ? " He held her hand and lightly stroked it with his thumb . " Alright , Georgio then . " She took in the sight of the two of them , how connected they were . It was amazing to Sarah to watch ; she had never seen Cassie connect with a man like this . It made Sarah miss Adam so much more . Georgio looked at Sarah then and they stared at one another for a moment ; something unspoken flowed between them . Perhaps a promise of devotion for the woman who sat there watching them both curiously . At any rate , it was enough for both of them and Georgio said , " Is your friend Adam with you today ? " " Cassie mentioned that and that you 've been in California for a week or so . You seem to have healed well , I might add . Good for you . " " Yes , I am doing fine actually . Not really even sore any longer . We had a nice visit in California ; I met Adam 's kids and family . " Sarah gave a brief laugh and said , " I know . It 's amazing ; he 's just sort of a normal guy who happens to be famous . It still sort of boggles my mind . " " That seems to be true , from what I can tell . Adam is pretty much just ignores it all . " Just then Sarah 's cell phone rang and she looked at it and added , " This is Mom , Cassie . I am supposed to meet her downstairs so I have to go now . " She leaned over the table and kissed Cassie on the cheek and nodded to Georgio . " I 'll see you tomorrow , okay ? " " You ? Why would we talk about YOU ? " she teased . " Oh , that wasn 't nice ! I 'm just going to have to kiss you until you shut up ! " Stephanie , the author of some of my favorite blogs is back with a new one . Check it out ! Here 's a brief synopsis of the story . . . . Te . . . Viva … Athens ? Cassie and Georgio 's flight wasn 't a long one but Cassie enjoyed every moment of it . The sun was just beginning to set over t . . . |
The house was built to be admired . It had even outshone the new hotel that stood only a few yards away on the corner of Main Street . The town of Kingston was growing up fast , sitting pretty and , above all , ready for the fast approaching twentieth century . Andrew had been born here on the edge of the Catskills , unlike the rest of his family who had originally hailed from Lansdale , Pennsylvania . They had made their money in retail around the Market East area of Philadelphia , launching their grand store in the opening weeks of the American Civil War . Most of the brothers and sisters had built villas around the Schuylkill River but Edward , Andrew 's father , had decided to sell his share of the claustrophobic business and move to the Hudson valley in New York State . Edward continued to work in the trade by investing his money in , and running , The Fifth Avenue Emporium in Manhattan . Each morning , he would ride the train from Kingston into the Grand Central Depot and each evening , after making more dollars than he could ever possibly need , would return home again . If he was being honest , Edward lived for those return train journeys , smoking his cigar and reading his journal as the evening sun set on the shimmering Hudson River . Edward 's eldest son , Brett , was currently attending West Point Military Academy and each night , as the train passed nearby , the proud father would give a small salute . His middle son , Michael , was studying , as had all the family , at The University of Pennsylvania and it was his hope that Michael would follow in his father 's money making footsteps . His youngest son , Andrew , was born only a year after the family had moved north and was still to blossom into a creature that Edward could mould . As for Isabel , his devoted wife , he was pleased to report that both of them still found each other 's company attractive . Andrew didn 't attend any of the schools in Kingston , instead his father had engaged a tutor to ensure that all the educational needs , which Andrew required , were carried out at home . There was also a nanny on hand , in case Andrew was in need of a woman 's touch ; his father thoroughly satisfied himself that he had thought of every possible need and want for his youngest son . When the boy required some fresh air and outdoor pursuits , Edward would take his son hunting up into the hills around Woodstock where Edward would stand behind his son helping him to aim the rifle and pull the trigger . What Edward couldn 't see was that Andrew had his eyes closed almost constantly and detested the thought of killing another living creature . The head of one of Andrew 's ' kills ' was stuffed and mounted and put in pride of place in the trophy room of that house which stood on the hill and was built to be admired . One day Edward took Andrew into the study to give him his birthday present . " But my birthday is not for another two weeks , Papa . " " I know that son , but your mother and I will be travelling on that day , so we thought you should get your present sooner rather than later . You see , that is how much we love you . " Andrew could tell by the gun - shaped wrapping , what the present was and he wasn 't disappointed . " You don 't look too happy son ? " " No Papa , I like it . Thank you Sir " Edward tussled Andrew 's hair and sent him on his way , adding " We can go shooting together when I return " Edward and Isabel were planning to attend The Chicago World 's Fair and would miss their youngest son 's birthday . Edward explained to Isabel , in terms that she would understand , that their son Andrew would have many more birthdays but the World 's Fair only came along once in a generation . Edward felt his wife understood and was happy to comply . Andrew watched the carriage pull away from the house as his parents left for the rail road station and on to Chicago . No one had asked Andrew , but he would have loved to have gone to the World 's Fair . He was now in his tenth year and no one had ever asked Andrew what would make him happy . Andrew loved reading and his current passion was Woodstock by Sir Walter Scott . He had taken the book , with his father 's permission , from the family library believing it to be an adventure story about the little town that lay in the Catskills . Instead , it turned out to be an exciting story about the English Civil War and with the family away the library was all his , so he planned to read Ivanhoe , by the same author , next . One stormy Sunday , and co - incidentally Andrew 's birthday , the nanny was called away to Highland to attend to her mother who was dying . She had given Andrew little thought as she assumed the tutor would be on hand and anyway , she needed to travel the fifteen miles south as soon as possible . The tutor was indeed at home , but had confined himself to bed with a severe cold having been warned by Edward that should he ever be ill , he should separate himself from the family at the earliest opportunity . Not wanting to have the parents come home to find young Andrew the subject of a tutorial infection , he had remained in his top floor bedroom . On the wall of the family library , on the side which was forever in the shadows , there hung several photographs taken of Edward and his hunting trophies . One such photograph was of him on Slide Mountain just after he had ambushed and killed a particularly old deer . His father had never taken Andrew as far as Slide Mountain , which according to the tutor , was the highest in the Catskills . It had gained its name from a landslide in the early 1800s which had left the mountain with a large wound near its summit . Andrew 's father was always referring to his own elder brother , Charles , as Slide due to the heavy head injury he had picked up at the Battle of Gettysburg . Andrew decided that since no one was going to ask him , he 'd make his own happiness on his birthday and take himself off to Slide Mountain . So on the afternoon of the stormy Sunday , Andrew took some bread and cheese and placed them in an old satchel . He considered taking his birthday present , just in case of wild animals , but decided against it and condemned the rifle to remain in the cellar . The gentle climb out of Kingston and up towards Hurley was easier than Andrew expected but then he didn 't have the prospect of shooting an animal to look forward to . Once at the top , Andrew could see both Overlook and Slide mountains in all their glorious splendour . Andrew and his father regularly climbed the trail to Overlook but it was always busy with grown - ups and even more annoying , according to Edward , were the new hotels rising up all over the mountain . So Andrew decided to walk straight on and head towards Slide . He might be just a kid , but he wasn 't stupid and if there was one thing his father 's hunting trips had taught him was that he had to keep a watch out for wildlife ; for his sake and theirs . Copperhead snakes especially as they were mean . He had only gone a further mile or so , when Andrew heard a rustling sound out to his left , he was hoping it wasn 't hunters or Andrew would be in real trouble . He stopped and held his breath and realised that the sound was following him in parallel . Andrew wanted to cry out but he knew that this would cause more trouble than it was worth , so he decided to be a man and head towards the noise . Whatever it was , this thing was quite large and it sounded in trouble . Andrew squatted down and slowly pulled back the vegetation , only to see a black bear cub staring straight back at him . They were both very surprised at the sight of each other which caused Andrew to fall flat on his back and although Andrew knew little about bears , he was surprised that the bear didn 't make his attack . Andrew quickly crawled back a few yards and then stood up , it was then he noticed that the bear cub 's leg was stuck fast in a rock crevice and the poor animal couldn 't move . So one abandoned child decided to help another abandoned child - I mean , he just couldn 't leave the bear out there to die , now could he ? His father had told him that if a bear threatened , he should not make any eye contact and to back off as quickly and as quietly as possible but , hey , this was a small bear , just like him . Andrew found a fallen tree and used it to ease the stone which was holding the cub 's leg , just enough that it was able to free its leg and run for a few yards . It then turned and growled which Andrew had assumed was its way of saying ' thank you ' . Except it wasn 't , it was calling on its mother who was approaching . " Don 't run , don 't make eye contact , don 't run , don 't make eye contact " was all that Andrew kept saying over and over to himself . He backed away towards a sturdy tree which was nearby , and was just about to climb it when a soft voice spoke from behind it . " Don 't climb the tree " whispered the woman , " you 'll only get yourself trapped , stay perfectly still and look at the ground . Don 't even scratch your nose . If you understand me , breathe a little heavier " Andrew took a long breath . " Good " whispered the caring voice . " Now don 't be alarmed little one but I 'm going to pick you up and run some , only a short distance . " ' Don 't run , don 't run ' was still going through Andrew 's mind , when all of a sudden two large arms came around the tree and lifted him off his feet . He could hear the bear growling and starting to move towards him . Andrew was almost hanging upside down from the gigantic woman 's arms and he could see the bear closing in when all of a sudden he was in a small room with a door and no windows . The gigantic woman threw Andrew in the corner then placed a large piece of wood across the door . The woman signalled to Andrew to be quiet , which he did to such an extent that he almost stopped breathing . After a few minutes of listening at the door the woman , relaxed , took a deep breath and whispered " She 's gone " then said " Hi , my name 's Mary " " Andrew " " Good to meet you Andrew , you sure did have a close one today , someone up there must be looking out for ya . When it 's clear , we can head up back to my cabin and get you cleaned up " And that is what they did . Mary kept an ever watchful eye out for anything else , as she and Andrew walked to higher ground , arriving at the homely cabin with the smoke coming out of the chimney . In that little hour , Andrew was probably shown more care and love than he 'd been shown in all his short life . The food that Mary served up was easily the tastiest that he had ever put in his mouth , and he loved the way she whistled while she was cooking and serving the meal . " When we 're done , we can talk about what you were doing up in these woods alone . Ain 't you got a ma and pa ? " Andrew nodded that he had and then continued eating . When he 'd finished , Andrew told Mary about his mother and father and their trip to Chicago . " You poor little orphan , you sure is a sad one . Come over here and let Mary hug the life out of you . Come on now . " So the biggest woman in Andrew 's short life did indeed hug the life out of him , then she set him down by her side , always keeping one arm safely around him , and she told him a story . " You see Andrew . . . can I call you Andy ? " and the boy nodded " Well Andy , you 're a lot like me , you 're one of the others . My mother was one of the others and so was her father " Because they had not mixed with any other beings , they believed that this was how life was meant to be lived , that each of us should always love and care for one another . But then , and remember this was still a very long time ago , the land of Atlantis arose in steam and fire and the ground below their feet began to break apart . Some swam , others took to the hills while some built small rafts and put to sea . As they looked back from their little boats they could see the land of their home disappear below the waves . Some of the good and brave survived and reached the lands we know of today but because they did not want to frighten those they had come to know , they dressed and lived as the strangers did . They married and had children - they fell in love with those they lived amongst and through the families they passed on the life force of the Atlantis people . Not everyone was lucky enough to claim such heritage , but once in a generation a child would appear who had all the properties of Atlantis . They would be kind and loving , although they would be rarely understood . They would go out into the world and although they would be alone , they would do great things because they knew that they were children of Atlantis and they would never forget . " When I saw you , Andy , I knew straight away you were one of those children " " For sure , little one " So Mary took Andrew 's hand and led him back across the valley , up over the ridge and down to the house that was built to be admired . As for Andrew , he displayed all the goodness that Mary had told him about . When he had finished college as a doctor , he travelled to Africa and looked after the sick and the poor . And never , for one second , did he ever feel alone again because he knew he was a child of Atlantis and that was a good thing . Posted by There was a time during the war when Coldharbour was neither one thing nor the other . The permanent part of town consisted of the main street , the harbour and the muddy road that led to the old castle . Yet , in the spring of 1942 , a tented village grew that stretched all the way back to the McKenzie Falls and increased the size of Coldharbour by three fold . Most of the incomers were American soldiers waiting to go to war but there was also a scattering of British , Dutch , Polish and Free French commandos , added to this mix were several of the allied naval ships nestled in the bay ; Coldharbour was considered a safe berth . Looking back , there are some who might say that these were Coldharbour 's most exciting days . If it was particularly exciting or busy at Mrs Huckerby 's , then that would depend on whom you talked to . She had turned over the house to the government at the start of the War with the proviso that only a better class of gent would occupy the rooms . As Edith would tell you herself , it was seldom the case . In Fort William , in the 1920s , Edith had been used to a very superior type of clientèle - those who took golfing tours of the Scottish Highlands - until her husband , Mr Allan Huckerby , ran away with a housemaid and all the money Edith had deposited in Fort William 's superior bank . Mrs Huckerby felt she could no longer hold up her head in social circles and so , on a dark night , she took her son Donald and the emergency money she had secreted under the bed and escaped to Coldharbour . Through hard work and sheer determination , Edith built up a nice little business where travellers could find good food and a clean , spacious room but in the war years the military now allocated bunks and so space was very scarce indeed . Mrs Huckerby had moved Donald into the attic as a temporary measure , expecting him to move out and go to war like all the other men in Coldharbour . What neither of them knew , was that Donald had a heart defect from birth and was found to be unfit to fight . " He might drop dead at any moment " said the doctor , leading Donald to sleep on Mrs Huckerby 's bedroom floor when the house was full . Although the army had its own boffins for electrical wiring and such like , Coldharbour didn 't have an electrician to speak of . The last one had been shot in Belgium and most of the houses were still lit by oil and heated by the peat bricks from Ewan 's fields . But , one way or another , electricity had arrived in town and Mrs Huckerby insisted that her house was to be the first to have electrical light , even if it did mean Donald having to work day and night to achieve this . She had a ' Switching - on of the lights ' ceremony ( or soiree as they liked to call it in these parts ) to which only Coldharbour 's good and great citizens were invited . Within a couple of months , both Mrs Huckerby 's house and the castle had been appropriated for war work which didn 't stop Edith reminding everyone that the castle wasn 't fully fitted with electrical power unlike her bed and breakfast . Due to the friendly invasion of Coldharbour , the Duke of Inverkeith and his wife had vacated the castle in favour of a gamekeeper 's cottage , which stood high above the village and was handy for spying on poachers . The problem was that Lady McFonal , the Duchess , had become used to what little electrical power they had at the castle and insisted that Teddy , the Duke , install it without fail in the cottage before she would set foot in the blasted place . Teddy , being a man who liked a quiet life , immediately employed Donald Huckerby for the job . The Duke and Duchess moved to their flat in Edinburgh while the work was being carried out . Donald was only twenty - two and refused to let a little thing like dropping dead at any moment get in the way of living . He enjoyed the days spent at the gamekeeper 's cottage and it kept him away from his mother 's gaze . The only downside to the work was the cottage itself . There was a particular atmosphere about the place , that gave you the feeling you were being watched by someone or something . When Donald reluctantly told his mother his feelings , she told him to grow up and be a man and insisted the storyIt seems that the old , old , old Duke - Teddy 's great grandfather - had married an Austrian girl whose beauty was renowned as far away as Oban . The downside was , that when the old , old , old Duke found her in the arms of the gamekeeper he shot them both , right there in the cottage . " That 's the story ? " " That 's it " insisted Mrs Edith Huckerby " Isn 't that enough , Donald ? " Donald was now sorry he had asked the question because he knew where it was going to lead . " If I had a gun , I would have shot your father and that scarlet woman before they had a chance to run away with all our money " and this discourse repeated itself all the way through their evening meal . Donald had judged it would take him about four weeks to complete the wiring of the cottage , however with a little help from a couple of the American army guys he had finished it in just under three . The Duke and Duchess were happily informed , in their town flat , that the gamekeeper 's cottage was fully wired for electricity and ready for them to move in . The Duchess decided that the Christmas season would be the perfect time to invite the locals and some of the selected armed forces who would join them in a Christmas Evening soiree . This would let the Duchess show her new lighting and , according to her , give a boost to the village morale . The Duke of Inverkeith 's entourage consisted mainly of young boys , too young for war , and of old men . So when one of them contacted the Duke to inform him that there was no electrical wiring actually in the house and asked whether they should bring more candles , the Duke immediately assumed that the man was a fool . This was a judgement hastily made . On closer inspection , no wiring of any sort could be found in the gamekeeper 's cottage . Constable McKelvie was called away from his normal war duties in Fort William to investigate this most serious of cases . He , too , quickly came to the conclusion that no wiring existed or had ever existed inside the cottage . Donald Huckerby swore an oath on a stack of bibles that the wiring had been installed and that most certainly he was out of pocket and required immediate paying . Whatever double dealing had been involved , it was nothing to do with him . The constable could not locate the two Americans , who had kindly helped Donald , as they were already on their way overseas . Edith Huckerby took the whole episode as a slight against her family and wondered why the police force weren 't chasing real criminals ; hadn 't they seen the behaviour of Agnes Addlington , wife of Stanley and friend of a particular American soldier ? Edith called in ' The Old Wifey 's daughter ' who lived just outside Dalmally to investigate if a poltergeist or a similar spirit could be responsible for the disappearance of the electrical wiring . Although the daughter felt a presence in the cottage , she was sure it was the ghost of some long clan chief who was not that particularity interested in electricity . So not only did Donald pay for all the new materials himself , he managed to re - wire the house in just two weeks . This time he brought the locals in to see the place and to observe the lights going on and off . This attracted a spontaneous round of applause that caused Donald to make a spontaneous speech ; his mother was very proud . The Duke and Duchess ( Teddy and Lady F as they were known to friends in the United States ) were far too busy with their social lives in Los Angeles to return home to see the wiring installation . They would return in the spring of ' 43 . They eventually returned home in July of that year and again they had organised a large function to welcome colleagues and family from around the Coldharbour area to join them in a little Summer soiree . And again , when the staff arrived to open up the house for cleaning and airing , the wiring had completely vanished . Not a trace of electricity was to be found for love nor money in the gamekeeper 's cottage . People couldn 't call Donald a liar this time as they had all been present when the lights went on and off . As the church minister had quite rightly stated - it would have been foolish for a man , such as Donald , to remove all the wiring that he himself had paid for , so surely there had to be another explanation that did not involve poltergeists . No one in the village could think of any way to explain the phenomena , especially Constable McKelvie who had kept the supernatural at the top of his list of suspects . Mrs Huckerby grew ever more desperate as she was no longer invited to high tea at the Big House at Tyndrum , nor was she even asked to help with the first aid in the village hall . So desperate times meant desperate measures and she decided to bankroll Donald in one more attempt at re - wiring the gamekeeper 's cottage . By now the Duke and Duchess had grown bored of Coldharbour and decided to wait out the war in a large rented property in Guelph , Ontario in Canada . Donald was to re - wire the cottage and this would be celebrated by an Electricity soiree thrown by Mrs Edith Huckerby . Everyone , who was anyone , would be invited including those in the Big House at Tyndrum but not the women who organised the first aid in the village hall . Donald re - wired the house in a record time of eight days and he allowed any passing party , who were nosey enough to ask , to inspect his work and watch the lights going on and off . On the night of the soiree , Mrs Huckerby led the convoy of goods that were to be prepared for that evening 's party . The first thing she did , when she entered the gamekeeper 's cottage was try the light switch - the second thing she did was shout " Donald ! " Once again , the wiring was completely stripped from the walls but this time it looked like whoever had done it , was in a hurry . Sergeant McAllister from the Inverness branch of Her Majesty 's police force was called upon to solve the mystery once and for all . He noted - and was surprised that no one else had mentioned it - that there was no sign of a break - in at the cottage . Whoever had removed the wiring had not broken into the property . So did they have a key ? Was it the work of a ghost ? Or was there a more obvious answer ? The following night , Sergeant McAllister asked that Constable McKelvie and Donald meet him in the village hall at 11 . 30 pm exactly . They were to wear dark clothes and , in case of emergencies , bring a blunt instrument with them . Donald decided it was for the best not to mention anything about this to his mother and met the two policemen in the village hall at 11 . 30pm , prompt . The Sergeant asked the two to be silent until he told them otherwise . " Do not make a sound unless I tell you to , or make a movement unless I tell you to . " They were ordered around the back of the gamekeeper 's cottage and , with the use of a key from Donald , they entered viBobby Stevenson I remember fighting a rather lonely wind as I crossed Central Park on that particular Wednesday before Christmas ; an old faded newspaper flapped in the breeze against a wooden seat but I could still make out the headline : ' JFK Dead ' . They would be coming soon , those wise men from the east , the Beatles with their new English beat music . Perhaps we could stop grieving and begin to move on . I clambered up the hill , crossed Central Park West sliding in to 72nd Street and as I passed the Dakota building , a cold chill made me pull my coat in tight . He is still playing with his hair and listening to the radio when his mother kicks the door open . " You haven 't heard a word I 've said Jimmy . Get to work - those animals won 't cut themselves up . " Elvis , the man , the god , the father , son and holy ghost is leaving Germany and flying back to the States . His time in the army is over and he 's going home to make more records , to make more movies and continue dating the daughter of a soldier he 's met in a club . Elvis and Priscilla have only been seeing each other for six weeks but Jimmy and Susan have been going strong now for a full three months . Across the street from Jimmy 's place , in one of the newer bungalows , Mister Andrews stares out of the window . Neither happy nor sad , he watches as Jimmy 's mother passes by and in a friendly manner he slowly raises a hand to wave but she looks straight ahead and disappears around the corner . " There goes Mrs Baker , always in a hurry . I tell you what Brenda love , it 's such a beautiful day I think I 'll wash the car . " Mister Andrew smiles to himself because he 's made a decision about something and that pleases him . Across the street he can see that nice young girl hurrying to Jimmy 's front door . Susan is agitated as she pushes her spectacles up her nose and rapidly knocks on the door . She can hear the music from Jimmy 's room above , so she steps back and enthusiastically waves to him but Jimmy just smiles and continues with sorting his hair . Susan tries another method by banging and kicking the front door , this time it brings Jimmy downstairs . As he opens his door , he 's caught between saying ' where 's the fire ' and leaning forward to kiss her but Susan just rushes straight past him and into the small kitchen . Most of the time Jimmy 's mother has to work double shifts , so Susan has gotten to know where everything is located . " Mum 's already made up my lunch . " " You 're not going to work , not today " says Susan without raising her head . " I 'm not ? So what am I doing then , eloping ? " " That 's not funny " . She 's already wrapped up the first sandwiches in a brown bag and hands them to Jimmy . Jimmy knows what will happen if he doesn 't turn up for work today ; he 's already been late three days running . " Well , I 'll just go and see him myself then , shall I ? " and Susan kisses Jimmy on the cheek and leaves the room . Jimmy , forever the lost boy , follows her out , " Who , for crying out loud , are you going to see ? " Across the street Mister Andrews is already washing his car in the March sunshine and even he stops when he hears Jimmy shout out ' Elvis Presley ' quickly followed by a hooting noise . Dogs bark , birds scatter - it seems the whole of the town has just heard . A few minutes later and Mister Andrews stands back and admires his handy work as he lets the car dry in the sun . Just up the street a touch , Jimmy and Susan are hiding behind a wall . Jimmy wants to know where Susan got the information about Elvis and she tells him from her father who is a baggage handler at Prestwick airport . He 's heard that Elvis ' plane is to land in the west of Scotland to refuel . " But you better get here quick " was her father 's parting words . Jimmy asks " if she 's sure her father is telling the truth ? " and she says that he has sworn on her Mum 's life and that is good enough for her and it should be good enough for him too . Then she tells him about her plan , the one where they borrow Mister Andrews ' car . " It 's not stealing if we 're going to bring it back " . Mister Andrews is at that stage where he 's proudly polishing his pride and joy . He takes a step back , sees another blemish and continues rubbing . Susan rushes up and asks him if she can " please , please , please use his toilet " . He 's not happy about this turn of events , but she seems so desperate and Jimmy and his family have already gone to work . Mister Andrews says it 's okay but she has to take her shoes off before entering the house . He follows her in , dusting any part of the wall or furniture she may have accidentally rubbed against ; he doesn 't want to seem fussy but he knows he probably is . He stands outside the toilet door but feels it may look a little weird and so he moves down the hall a few steps . Mister Andrews doesn 't hear the sound of the car horn the first time around but Susan does . She 's been waiting on it . She rockets out of the toilet handing back Mister Andrews one of his towels then shooting out through the front door . Shocked at first , it takes the second car horn for Mister Andrew to realise what 's going on . He , too , rushes out his house but just in time to see his car , the girl and Jimmy from across the street driving it away . Well maybe driving is an exaggeration ; they are more pointing the car and making it hiccup along the road . " Oh dear - oh dear , oh dear , oh dear " says Mister Andrews as he wanders back into his home . " I 've just stolen a car " , declares Jimmy . Mister Andrews whispers , " oh dear , oh dear , oh dear " then adds , " You 're probably right Brenda love , you always are . " Jimmy knows the only way to get to the airport in time to see The King is to use the village High Street but just as he turns in to the road , Susan spots Jimmy 's mother and Jimmy 's boss talking to each other outside the butcher 's shop . That is why Jimmy 's mother sees an empty car driving past her along the High Street , Susan and Jimmy are well hidden . " Isn 't that Mister Andrew 's car ? " At the other end of the High Street where it turns into Observatory Road , old Webster and Hamish are in the village garage . It 's tea break time and this involves looking out the window while dunking their biscuits in their cracked cups . Old Webster checks with Hamish that he 's also just seen Mister Andrew 's car passing driver - less and sure enough he has . " Mighty me " says old Webster as he picks up the telephone , intending to call the police . Five minutes later , ten at the most , a policeman appears in front of Jimmy 's car with his hand raised in the ' stop ' position . I suppose if there are people reading this in later years and are wondering why a policeman would do such a thing , well in March 1960 in the United Kingdom , people still obeyed the law . Except Jimmy and Susan drive straight on , causing the constable to have to jump out of the way in order to save his life . It is only as the car crawls to the top of the hill and disappears over the other side , that the screaming starts . Mister Andrews may have had a clean car but the brakes aren 't of any use for stopping . Twice Jimmy bashes his head on the roof as these are the days before seat belts and such like . Luckily as they shoot across the main road and into the airport they fail to hit anything and come to rest in a ploughed field at the side of the runway . Jimmy and Susan sit for a second to catch their breaths and then undeterred by the lack of Susan 's shoes , they run towards the airport reception . " Ow , ow , ow " as Susan steps on every rock possible , Jimmy suggests she takes his shoes and although they are a whole lot larger , she finds it really does stop the pain . It will be worth it in a minute when they get to the reception , she thinks to herself , except when they get there , the hall is empty , that is except for the rubbish scattered everywhere . An old man slides back a dirty glass partition . " If you 're here to see that Mister Elvis fellow , then you 're too late . He 's been and he 's gone and it 's me who 's going to have to clean this mess up . Do you know what he said ? " Apparently Elvis had asked where he was , which caused the old man much laughter and mirth , so the old man felt he had to put Elvis right and tell him he was in Scotland . " Where am I ? What kind of question is that for a grown man ? " So that 's that . Who knows when Elvis will pass this way again ? And with shoulders slumped , Jimmy and Susan leave the building only for the old man to call after them that he 's heard that Elvis was going up to that local cafe . There is a god . To call the Brigadoon Tearooms anything but an old hut would be a kindness , except Susan is sure she can hear Elvis singing inside . Her heart begins to palpitate but Jimmy is only worried about avoiding sharp things on the ground since he 's walking in bare feet . He doesn 't notice Susan run ahead , storm the Brigadoon Tearooms and shout " Marry me Elvis " . He hears her the second time ' though . " What do you mean he 's gone ? " Susan is almost crying as the jukebox plays on . " Oh he was dreamy , wouldn 't take his cap off ' though - ' no Mam , I can 't do that ' " says a giggling girl who had also wanted to marry Elvis . Susan is talking to a girl who has talked to Elvis and it hurts . As it grows dark , Jimmy and Susan haven 't spoken to each other for a few hours now . The only communication they have had is when Jimmy takes his shoes back . " You would have run off with him to America - and married him " Jimmy is just about to take his turn at crying when a car turns up beside them . It 's Mister Andrews in his borrowed car and he rolls down the window . " I brought you these , they 're Susan 's shoes . Hop in and I 'll drive you both home . You can tell me all about it on the way " Susan puts on her shoes then asks Jimmy if he 's coming . The next day is a glorious one as Mister Andrews stands by the fireplace . " You 're looking a little grubby today , Brenda love " and Mister Andrews polishes the urn that keeps Brenda 's ashes safe . Once she 's gleaming , he turns satisfied to look out the window again . " Now you 're ready to face the world " Jimmy 's mother comes out of her door and crosses the street towards Mister Andrews ' house . For the first time ever she waves to him and he waves back . Mister Andrews smiles . Posted by As a boy , Stan thought he could remember seeing a clown being fired from a cannon at a circus in Hove . He couldn 't recollect , however , witnessing a man flying through the air . At least not one who flew straight through a pair of heavy wooden doors knocking Stan over and causing him to end up in the middle of a busy street . That sort of just didn 't happen in Hastings On the morning we speak of , he had set out intending to go for a constitutional stroll along the older part of town . This was his sanctuary ; down here he could scupper and hide by the little fishing boats and let the wind wash away his mother 's ' inspirational talks ' . Stan was twenty four years of age , for goodness sake , and since leaving the army had never held down a decent job . The war had been long over and for a man born on the first day of 1900 he was not making a wonderful example of the new dawn . What was going through that stupid head of his ? I ask you ? In life , all the best things appear to come when you least expect them , usually followed by the best things hitting you straight in the face - or making you roll out into the street - just the way Stan met Logie , as if you didn 't know . Now here 's a question , would Stan have ever known he could be an engineer if he hadn 't met Logie ? Just like there must have been another Einstein or Shakespeare out there who , for whatever reason , never got a chance to find out about their own genius . Not that I 'm saying Stan was a genius but certainly Logie was one and he knew Stan had his uses . After the ' flying man ' episode and as a way of an apology , Logie took Stan for a drink . As so often happens in these circumstances , they found they actually liked each other 's company . So much so , that when Logie 's landlord stormed into the public house later that day " to find the mad Scottish scientist who had blown up his rented rooms " Stan lied for Logie and told the landlord that his friend " had been taken to hospital that very afternoon and could be at death 's door even as we speak " whereas Logie was actually hiding in the toilet . Needless to say , the two of them became the greatest of pals . Here was Stan , a man in need of a job and Logie in need of an assistant he could trust . Stanley Addlington was born and bred a Sussex man and proud of it , his friend John Logie Baird , or Logie as he preferred , was from Helensburgh in the West of Scotland . Now it wouldn 't be so far from the truth to say that Logie was run out of Hastings . Logie and his landlord had an altercation in the street when he demanded recompense for the damage caused by the explosions . Logie reluctantly paid the swine and decided enough was enough , taking his inventions to a set of rooms in London 's Soho . And it was in these modest rooms that John Logie Baird demonstrated the first electro mechanical television . Stan would tell you that he was the first face ever to appear on a television screen . He had done it to amuse himself one night when Logie was out . The problem was that since he was the only person in the room at the time , he couldn 't actually see himself on the screen but he did remember burning himself on the lights needed for the camera . When Logie came in the next day and spotted the burns on Stan 's face , he smiled to himself having guessed what his friend had been up to . Unfortunately for Stan , history chose another as the first televised face . In the spring of 1936 , Logie decided to take a trip home to Helensburgh to see the family but due to his deteriorating health Logie asked Stan to drive him up there . This meant that Stan could take the car north and return to collect Logie at the end of the stay . Stan had only been to Scotland once before and that was when Logie transmitted television pictures to the Central Hotel in Glasgow via a telephone line from London . So yes , he would drive him to Helensburgh and then take the car on into the Highlands . Whatever made Stan take the Coldharbour road at Inveraray is between him and his maker but turn he did and before long he was staring at a rusty welcoming sign : ' Coldharbour : The B nniest Place in the West ' . Coming in from that direction , the village hall was the first real building you would pass . Outside Stan saw a rather pretty girl taking down a notice telling that the library was now open . She disappeared inside the hall and Stan saw this as a reason to stop . When he entered , she was packing up the makeshift library into boxes and was apparently doing so without anyone to help her . " Excuse me " said Stan . The girl spoke without lifting her head . " If you 're going to tell me there 's a letter ' O ' missing from our village sign , then I already know . It fell off last week . If you 're here to borrow books , you 're too late and anyway judging by your accent you 're not from these parts . " And on she worked . " I just wondered . . . . . I was wondering if you would like to come out with me this evening . . . for a drink or something , young lady ? " " Depends - did you want me to call you ' young lady ' ? " And the beautiful young girl thought about it and decided , yes , she did like it . So that was how Stanley Addlington met Agnes Lily Sorensen , daughter of Peter ; the man who sat quietly in rooms . Stan decided that this was as much of the Highlands as he wanted to see and found a room at Mrs Edith Huckerby 's bed and breakfast - five shillings and clean sheets . Mrs Huckerby never told her lodger that she disapproved of Agnes and her demented father but it seemed to Stan that Mrs Huckerby disapproved of everyone . What she needed was a hard kiss on those lips , thought Stan , but decided he wasn 't the man for the job . Although her house smelt of the most delicious baking , Mrs Huckerby , herself , smelt of mothballs , probably one of the reasons why Stan did not feel he was the right man to deliver the kiss . Stan and Agnes spent the next Sunday afternoon walking the high hills overlooking Loch Awe - Agnes liked the way Stan called it ' Lock ah ' , in fact she liked many things about Stan . She was twenty two years of age and this was the first time she had ever had these feelings . On the following Tuesday , as usual , Agnes set up the library in the hall but this time there were two differences : Stan was there helping and the rooms were full of the happy sound of laughter , even the sun turned up to shine through the windows . They set up the books in an ordered fashion , crime was on the left and very popular in Coldharbour , the classics were on the right and the penny romances were in the centre ; the latter proving very popular with the women and girls of the village who never stopped dreaming of their knights in shining armour . Stan , Agnes ' knight , lifted a small vase out of a tired old box and asked what it was for . " Ah that 's the suggestions vase , at the end of every session I read what 's been placed in it . Some suggest particular books , some just want to leave a message , some to place some money or to say thanks " said Agnes . By the end of the afternoon Stan knew it was time to head back south to Helensburgh and pick up Logie . They intended to stay a night in Glasgow before driving to London and Stan wished with all his heart that Agnes could join him , but he knew about her father and him sitting in a room quietly . So when Agnes ' back was turned , Stan scrawled a quick note and placed it in the jar , then he kissed her goodbye and promised lovely Agnes that he would return . As he was driving away from Loch Awe , he looked at his watch and knew that she would soon read the proposal of marriage he had placed in the vase . Stan was just about to whistle his favourite tune by way of celebration when the car skidded for several yards before tumbling off the road . He was sure he had felt the road shaking just before the accident . As he sat stunned in the automobile , he felt it again , the earth definitely moved . The machine was stuck good and proper and there was no way he could push it out . So Stan set out to walk up the old road that followed the Orchy River to the bridge . In Coldharbour , Agnes was clearing up the mess in the hall . There had been small earthquakes before in the area but this was a bit stronger than usual . Still , she got to work picking up all the bookshelves and the scattered books but Agnes failed to notice the broken vase lying on its side and its contents having spilled out under a wooden desk . In the morning , Stan thanked the old couple who fed him well and who asked for nothing in return . He walked the military road across Ba Bridge and into Glencoe , finding a telephone at The Kingshouse and thereby allowing him to notify Logie that he would be delayed . In the Autumn of 1936 , Logie and his team were busier than ever supplying the BBC with their latest television technology to test against other competing systems . Logie 's group were based at The Crystal Palace , a structure moved from Hyde Park to Penge Common in 1851 . Stan had bought a small house near - by in Sydenham , in the hope that he would hear from Agnes and that she would say yes . It was nearly the end of November and Stan had begun to give up on the idea of a life with Agnes . Several days before the Coldharbour hall was to be used for a Saint Andrew 's night party Miss McKelvie , the village hall cleaner , found the contents of the suggestion vase underneath the desk , including Stan 's proposal of marriage . So on the night of the 30th of November and instead of dancing in the village hall , Agnes found herself knocking on the door of a house in Sydenham , south east London . She had been reluctant to go as it would mean leaving her mother with a father who sat and said nothing , but her mother told her that sometimes happiness only comes once and that she should catch it before it was too late . Stan proposed properly to Agnes that night with the ring he had been keeping safe on a chain around his neck . It was just as Agnes had accepted Stan 's hand in marriage , that she noticed the redness of the sky . She thought , at first , it was to do with the London lights being so much stronger than those in Coldharbour but when Stan went out into the garden he could smell the smoke , then he heard the clang . . . clang . . . clang of the fire engines . The Crystal Palace , and all ideas that he and Logie had worked so hard on over the years , was on fire . The BBC , in the end , chose another television system just as the country drifted into war . In Hastings , Agnes and Stan got married and had two wonderful years before Agnes moved back to Coldharbour to wait on her knight returning from battle . I was born in the West Coast of Scotland - a beautiful part of the world . Grew up in Paris , France and Woodstock , New York . I studied writing at college and gained a Masters . I wrote a short film ' Stealing Moses ' which was selected by the British Urban Film Festival , 2015 and was supported by Channel 4 . I have been selected to pitch at BAFTA , twice . I trained through TAPS at Emmerdale and The Bill . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . 1 . The day Bingo met The Angel The day that Bingo died was the day I decided to put on my walking boots and leave town . Bingo ha . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . Andrew came across the newspaper cutting while packing . It was as soft as felt . Blurred and brushed at the edges , paper turned to cloth . There was a who . . . Philip found a bee today . It was in a bucket of water at the allotment . He didn 't know where it had come from , or what had caused it to end up in the wa . . . |
The house was built to be admired . It had even outshone the new hotel that stood only a few yards away on the corner of Main Street . The town of Kingston was growing up fast , sitting pretty and , above all , ready for the fast approaching twentieth century . Andrew had been born here on the edge of the Catskills , unlike the rest of his family who had originally hailed from Lansdale , Pennsylvania . They had made their money in retail around the Market East area of Philadelphia , launching their grand store in the opening weeks of the American Civil War . Most of the brothers and sisters had built villas around the Schuylkill River but Edward , Andrew 's father , had decided to sell his share of the claustrophobic business and move to the Hudson valley in New York State . Edward continued to work in the trade by investing his money in , and running , The Fifth Avenue Emporium in Manhattan . Each morning , he would ride the train from Kingston into the Grand Central Depot and each evening , after making more dollars than he could ever possibly need , would return home again . If he was being honest , Edward lived for those return train journeys , smoking his cigar and reading his journal as the evening sun set on the shimmering Hudson River . Edward 's eldest son , Brett , was currently attending West Point Military Academy and each night , as the train passed nearby , the proud father would give a small salute . His middle son , Michael , was studying , as had all the family , at The University of Pennsylvania and it was his hope that Michael would follow in his father 's money making footsteps . His youngest son , Andrew , was born only a year after the family had moved north and was still to blossom into a creature that Edward could mould . As for Isabel , his devoted wife , he was pleased to report that both of them still found each other 's company attractive . Andrew didn 't attend any of the schools in Kingston , instead his father had engaged a tutor to ensure that all the educational needs , which Andrew required , were carried out at home . There was also a nanny on hand , in case Andrew was in need of a woman 's touch ; his father thoroughly satisfied himself that he had thought of every possible need and want for his youngest son . When the boy required some fresh air and outdoor pursuits , Edward would take his son hunting up into the hills around Woodstock where Edward would stand behind his son helping him to aim the rifle and pull the trigger . What Edward couldn 't see was that Andrew had his eyes closed almost constantly and detested the thought of killing another living creature . The head of one of Andrew 's ' kills ' was stuffed and mounted and put in pride of place in the trophy room of that house which stood on the hill and was built to be admired . One day Edward took Andrew into the study to give him his birthday present . " But my birthday is not for another two weeks , Papa . " " I know that son , but your mother and I will be travelling on that day , so we thought you should get your present sooner rather than later . You see , that is how much we love you . " Andrew could tell by the gun - shaped wrapping , what the present was and he wasn 't disappointed . " You don 't look too happy son ? " " No Papa , I like it . Thank you Sir " Edward tussled Andrew 's hair and sent him on his way , adding " We can go shooting together when I return " Edward and Isabel were planning to attend The Chicago World 's Fair and would miss their youngest son 's birthday . Edward explained to Isabel , in terms that she would understand , that their son Andrew would have many more birthdays but the World 's Fair only came along once in a generation . Edward felt his wife understood and was happy to comply . Andrew watched the carriage pull away from the house as his parents left for the rail road station and on to Chicago . No one had asked Andrew , but he would have loved to have gone to the World 's Fair . He was now in his tenth year and no one had ever asked Andrew what would make him happy . Andrew loved reading and his current passion was Woodstock by Sir Walter Scott . He had taken the book , with his father 's permission , from the family library believing it to be an adventure story about the little town that lay in the Catskills . Instead , it turned out to be an exciting story about the English Civil War and with the family away the library was all his , so he planned to read Ivanhoe , by the same author , next . One stormy Sunday , and co - incidentally Andrew 's birthday , the nanny was called away to Highland to attend to her mother who was dying . She had given Andrew little thought as she assumed the tutor would be on hand and anyway , she needed to travel the fifteen miles south as soon as possible . The tutor was indeed at home , but had confined himself to bed with a severe cold having been warned by Edward that should he ever be ill , he should separate himself from the family at the earliest opportunity . Not wanting to have the parents come home to find young Andrew the subject of a tutorial infection , he had remained in his top floor bedroom . On the wall of the family library , on the side which was forever in the shadows , there hung several photographs taken of Edward and his hunting trophies . One such photograph was of him on Slide Mountain just after he had ambushed and killed a particularly old deer . His father had never taken Andrew as far as Slide Mountain , which according to the tutor , was the highest in the Catskills . It had gained its name from a landslide in the early 1800s which had left the mountain with a large wound near its summit . Andrew 's father was always referring to his own elder brother , Charles , as Slide due to the heavy head injury he had picked up at the Battle of Gettysburg . Andrew decided that since no one was going to ask him , he 'd make his own happiness on his birthday and take himself off to Slide Mountain . So on the afternoon of the stormy Sunday , Andrew took some bread and cheese and placed them in an old satchel . He considered taking his birthday present , just in case of wild animals , but decided against it and condemned the rifle to remain in the cellar . The gentle climb out of Kingston and up towards Hurley was easier than Andrew expected but then he didn 't have the prospect of shooting an animal to look forward to . Once at the top , Andrew could see both Overlook and Slide mountains in all their glorious splendour . Andrew and his father regularly climbed the trail to Overlook but it was always busy with grown - ups and even more annoying , according to Edward , were the new hotels rising up all over the mountain . So Andrew decided to walk straight on and head towards Slide . He might be just a kid , but he wasn 't stupid and if there was one thing his father 's hunting trips had taught him was that he had to keep a watch out for wildlife ; for his sake and theirs . Copperhead snakes especially as they were mean . He had only gone a further mile or so , when Andrew heard a rustling sound out to his left , he was hoping it wasn 't hunters or Andrew would be in real trouble . He stopped and held his breath and realised that the sound was following him in parallel . Andrew wanted to cry out but he knew that this would cause more trouble than it was worth , so he decided to be a man and head towards the noise . Whatever it was , this thing was quite large and it sounded in trouble . Andrew squatted down and slowly pulled back the vegetation , only to see a black bear cub staring straight back at him . They were both very surprised at the sight of each other which caused Andrew to fall flat on his back and although Andrew knew little about bears , he was surprised that the bear didn 't make his attack . Andrew quickly crawled back a few yards and then stood up , it was then he noticed that the bear cub 's leg was stuck fast in a rock crevice and the poor animal couldn 't move . So one abandoned child decided to help another abandoned child - I mean , he just couldn 't leave the bear out there to die , now could he ? His father had told him that if a bear threatened , he should not make any eye contact and to back off as quickly and as quietly as possible but , hey , this was a small bear , just like him . Andrew found a fallen tree and used it to ease the stone which was holding the cub 's leg , just enough that it was able to free its leg and run for a few yards . It then turned and growled which Andrew had assumed was its way of saying ' thank you ' . Except it wasn 't , it was calling on its mother who was approaching . " Don 't run , don 't make eye contact , don 't run , don 't make eye contact " was all that Andrew kept saying over and over to himself . He backed away towards a sturdy tree which was nearby , and was just about to climb it when a soft voice spoke from behind it . " Don 't climb the tree " whispered the woman , " you 'll only get yourself trapped , stay perfectly still and look at the ground . Don 't even scratch your nose . If you understand me , breathe a little heavier " Andrew took a long breath . " Good " whispered the caring voice . " Now don 't be alarmed little one but I 'm going to pick you up and run some , only a short distance . " ' Don 't run , don 't run ' was still going through Andrew 's mind , when all of a sudden two large arms came around the tree and lifted him off his feet . He could hear the bear growling and starting to move towards him . Andrew was almost hanging upside down from the gigantic woman 's arms and he could see the bear closing in when all of a sudden he was in a small room with a door and no windows . The gigantic woman threw Andrew in the corner then placed a large piece of wood across the door . The woman signalled to Andrew to be quiet , which he did to such an extent that he almost stopped breathing . After a few minutes of listening at the door the woman , relaxed , took a deep breath and whispered " She 's gone " then said " Hi , my name 's Mary " " Andrew " " Good to meet you Andrew , you sure did have a close one today , someone up there must be looking out for ya . When it 's clear , we can head up back to my cabin and get you cleaned up " And that is what they did . Mary kept an ever watchful eye out for anything else , as she and Andrew walked to higher ground , arriving at the homely cabin with the smoke coming out of the chimney . In that little hour , Andrew was probably shown more care and love than he 'd been shown in all his short life . The food that Mary served up was easily the tastiest that he had ever put in his mouth , and he loved the way she whistled while she was cooking and serving the meal . " When we 're done , we can talk about what you were doing up in these woods alone . Ain 't you got a ma and pa ? " Andrew nodded that he had and then continued eating . When he 'd finished , Andrew told Mary about his mother and father and their trip to Chicago . " You poor little orphan , you sure is a sad one . Come over here and let Mary hug the life out of you . Come on now . " So the biggest woman in Andrew 's short life did indeed hug the life out of him , then she set him down by her side , always keeping one arm safely around him , and she told him a story . " You see Andrew . . . can I call you Andy ? " and the boy nodded " Well Andy , you 're a lot like me , you 're one of the others . My mother was one of the others and so was her father " Because they had not mixed with any other beings , they believed that this was how life was meant to be lived , that each of us should always love and care for one another . But then , and remember this was still a very long time ago , the land of Atlantis arose in steam and fire and the ground below their feet began to break apart . Some swam , others took to the hills while some built small rafts and put to sea . As they looked back from their little boats they could see the land of their home disappear below the waves . Some of the good and brave survived and reached the lands we know of today but because they did not want to frighten those they had come to know , they dressed and lived as the strangers did . They married and had children - they fell in love with those they lived amongst and through the families they passed on the life force of the Atlantis people . Not everyone was lucky enough to claim such heritage , but once in a generation a child would appear who had all the properties of Atlantis . They would be kind and loving , although they would be rarely understood . They would go out into the world and although they would be alone , they would do great things because they knew that they were children of Atlantis and they would never forget . " When I saw you , Andy , I knew straight away you were one of those children " " For sure , little one " So Mary took Andrew 's hand and led him back across the valley , up over the ridge and down to the house that was built to be admired . As for Andrew , he displayed all the goodness that Mary had told him about . When he had finished college as a doctor , he travelled to Africa and looked after the sick and the poor . And never , for one second , did he ever feel alone again because he knew he was a child of Atlantis and that was a good thing . Posted by There was a time during the war when Coldharbour was neither one thing nor the other . The permanent part of town consisted of the main street , the harbour and the muddy road that led to the old castle . Yet , in the spring of 1942 , a tented village grew that stretched all the way back to the McKenzie Falls and increased the size of Coldharbour by three fold . Most of the incomers were American soldiers waiting to go to war but there was also a scattering of British , Dutch , Polish and Free French commandos , added to this mix were several of the allied naval ships nestled in the bay ; Coldharbour was considered a safe berth . Looking back , there are some who might say that these were Coldharbour 's most exciting days . If it was particularly exciting or busy at Mrs Huckerby 's , then that would depend on whom you talked to . She had turned over the house to the government at the start of the War with the proviso that only a better class of gent would occupy the rooms . As Edith would tell you herself , it was seldom the case . In Fort William , in the 1920s , Edith had been used to a very superior type of clientèle - those who took golfing tours of the Scottish Highlands - until her husband , Mr Allan Huckerby , ran away with a housemaid and all the money Edith had deposited in Fort William 's superior bank . Mrs Huckerby felt she could no longer hold up her head in social circles and so , on a dark night , she took her son Donald and the emergency money she had secreted under the bed and escaped to Coldharbour . Through hard work and sheer determination , Edith built up a nice little business where travellers could find good food and a clean , spacious room but in the war years the military now allocated bunks and so space was very scarce indeed . Mrs Huckerby had moved Donald into the attic as a temporary measure , expecting him to move out and go to war like all the other men in Coldharbour . What neither of them knew , was that Donald had a heart defect from birth and was found to be unfit to fight . " He might drop dead at any moment " said the doctor , leading Donald to sleep on Mrs Huckerby 's bedroom floor when the house was full . Although the army had its own boffins for electrical wiring and such like , Coldharbour didn 't have an electrician to speak of . The last one had been shot in Belgium and most of the houses were still lit by oil and heated by the peat bricks from Ewan 's fields . But , one way or another , electricity had arrived in town and Mrs Huckerby insisted that her house was to be the first to have electrical light , even if it did mean Donald having to work day and night to achieve this . She had a ' Switching - on of the lights ' ceremony ( or soiree as they liked to call it in these parts ) to which only Coldharbour 's good and great citizens were invited . Within a couple of months , both Mrs Huckerby 's house and the castle had been appropriated for war work which didn 't stop Edith reminding everyone that the castle wasn 't fully fitted with electrical power unlike her bed and breakfast . Due to the friendly invasion of Coldharbour , the Duke of Inverkeith and his wife had vacated the castle in favour of a gamekeeper 's cottage , which stood high above the village and was handy for spying on poachers . The problem was that Lady McFonal , the Duchess , had become used to what little electrical power they had at the castle and insisted that Teddy , the Duke , install it without fail in the cottage before she would set foot in the blasted place . Teddy , being a man who liked a quiet life , immediately employed Donald Huckerby for the job . The Duke and Duchess moved to their flat in Edinburgh while the work was being carried out . Donald was only twenty - two and refused to let a little thing like dropping dead at any moment get in the way of living . He enjoyed the days spent at the gamekeeper 's cottage and it kept him away from his mother 's gaze . The only downside to the work was the cottage itself . There was a particular atmosphere about the place , that gave you the feeling you were being watched by someone or something . When Donald reluctantly told his mother his feelings , she told him to grow up and be a man and insisted the storyIt seems that the old , old , old Duke - Teddy 's great grandfather - had married an Austrian girl whose beauty was renowned as far away as Oban . The downside was , that when the old , old , old Duke found her in the arms of the gamekeeper he shot them both , right there in the cottage . " That 's the story ? " " That 's it " insisted Mrs Edith Huckerby " Isn 't that enough , Donald ? " Donald was now sorry he had asked the question because he knew where it was going to lead . " If I had a gun , I would have shot your father and that scarlet woman before they had a chance to run away with all our money " and this discourse repeated itself all the way through their evening meal . Donald had judged it would take him about four weeks to complete the wiring of the cottage , however with a little help from a couple of the American army guys he had finished it in just under three . The Duke and Duchess were happily informed , in their town flat , that the gamekeeper 's cottage was fully wired for electricity and ready for them to move in . The Duchess decided that the Christmas season would be the perfect time to invite the locals and some of the selected armed forces who would join them in a Christmas Evening soiree . This would let the Duchess show her new lighting and , according to her , give a boost to the village morale . The Duke of Inverkeith 's entourage consisted mainly of young boys , too young for war , and of old men . So when one of them contacted the Duke to inform him that there was no electrical wiring actually in the house and asked whether they should bring more candles , the Duke immediately assumed that the man was a fool . This was a judgement hastily made . On closer inspection , no wiring of any sort could be found in the gamekeeper 's cottage . Constable McKelvie was called away from his normal war duties in Fort William to investigate this most serious of cases . He , too , quickly came to the conclusion that no wiring existed or had ever existed inside the cottage . Donald Huckerby swore an oath on a stack of bibles that the wiring had been installed and that most certainly he was out of pocket and required immediate paying . Whatever double dealing had been involved , it was nothing to do with him . The constable could not locate the two Americans , who had kindly helped Donald , as they were already on their way overseas . Edith Huckerby took the whole episode as a slight against her family and wondered why the police force weren 't chasing real criminals ; hadn 't they seen the behaviour of Agnes Addlington , wife of Stanley and friend of a particular American soldier ? Edith called in ' The Old Wifey 's daughter ' who lived just outside Dalmally to investigate if a poltergeist or a similar spirit could be responsible for the disappearance of the electrical wiring . Although the daughter felt a presence in the cottage , she was sure it was the ghost of some long clan chief who was not that particularity interested in electricity . So not only did Donald pay for all the new materials himself , he managed to re - wire the house in just two weeks . This time he brought the locals in to see the place and to observe the lights going on and off . This attracted a spontaneous round of applause that caused Donald to make a spontaneous speech ; his mother was very proud . The Duke and Duchess ( Teddy and Lady F as they were known to friends in the United States ) were far too busy with their social lives in Los Angeles to return home to see the wiring installation . They would return in the spring of ' 43 . They eventually returned home in July of that year and again they had organised a large function to welcome colleagues and family from around the Coldharbour area to join them in a little Summer soiree . And again , when the staff arrived to open up the house for cleaning and airing , the wiring had completely vanished . Not a trace of electricity was to be found for love nor money in the gamekeeper 's cottage . People couldn 't call Donald a liar this time as they had all been present when the lights went on and off . As the church minister had quite rightly stated - it would have been foolish for a man , such as Donald , to remove all the wiring that he himself had paid for , so surely there had to be another explanation that did not involve poltergeists . No one in the village could think of any way to explain the phenomena , especially Constable McKelvie who had kept the supernatural at the top of his list of suspects . Mrs Huckerby grew ever more desperate as she was no longer invited to high tea at the Big House at Tyndrum , nor was she even asked to help with the first aid in the village hall . So desperate times meant desperate measures and she decided to bankroll Donald in one more attempt at re - wiring the gamekeeper 's cottage . By now the Duke and Duchess had grown bored of Coldharbour and decided to wait out the war in a large rented property in Guelph , Ontario in Canada . Donald was to re - wire the cottage and this would be celebrated by an Electricity soiree thrown by Mrs Edith Huckerby . Everyone , who was anyone , would be invited including those in the Big House at Tyndrum but not the women who organised the first aid in the village hall . Donald re - wired the house in a record time of eight days and he allowed any passing party , who were nosey enough to ask , to inspect his work and watch the lights going on and off . On the night of the soiree , Mrs Huckerby led the convoy of goods that were to be prepared for that evening 's party . The first thing she did , when she entered the gamekeeper 's cottage was try the light switch - the second thing she did was shout " Donald ! " Once again , the wiring was completely stripped from the walls but this time it looked like whoever had done it , was in a hurry . Sergeant McAllister from the Inverness branch of Her Majesty 's police force was called upon to solve the mystery once and for all . He noted - and was surprised that no one else had mentioned it - that there was no sign of a break - in at the cottage . Whoever had removed the wiring had not broken into the property . So did they have a key ? Was it the work of a ghost ? Or was there a more obvious answer ? The following night , Sergeant McAllister asked that Constable McKelvie and Donald meet him in the village hall at 11 . 30 pm exactly . They were to wear dark clothes and , in case of emergencies , bring a blunt instrument with them . Donald decided it was for the best not to mention anything about this to his mother and met the two policemen in the village hall at 11 . 30pm , prompt . The Sergeant asked the two to be silent until he told them otherwise . " Do not make a sound unless I tell you to , or make a movement unless I tell you to . " They were ordered around the back of the gamekeeper 's cottage and , with the use of a key from Donald , they entered viBobby Stevenson I remember fighting a rather lonely wind as I crossed Central Park on that particular Wednesday before Christmas ; an old faded newspaper flapped in the breeze against a wooden seat but I could still make out the headline : ' JFK Dead ' . They would be coming soon , those wise men from the east , the Beatles with their new English beat music . Perhaps we could stop grieving and begin to move on . I clambered up the hill , crossed Central Park West sliding in to 72nd Street and as I passed the Dakota building , a cold chill made me pull my coat in tight . He is still playing with his hair and listening to the radio when his mother kicks the door open . " You haven 't heard a word I 've said Jimmy . Get to work - those animals won 't cut themselves up . " Elvis , the man , the god , the father , son and holy ghost is leaving Germany and flying back to the States . His time in the army is over and he 's going home to make more records , to make more movies and continue dating the daughter of a soldier he 's met in a club . Elvis and Priscilla have only been seeing each other for six weeks but Jimmy and Susan have been going strong now for a full three months . Across the street from Jimmy 's place , in one of the newer bungalows , Mister Andrews stares out of the window . Neither happy nor sad , he watches as Jimmy 's mother passes by and in a friendly manner he slowly raises a hand to wave but she looks straight ahead and disappears around the corner . " There goes Mrs Baker , always in a hurry . I tell you what Brenda love , it 's such a beautiful day I think I 'll wash the car . " Mister Andrew smiles to himself because he 's made a decision about something and that pleases him . Across the street he can see that nice young girl hurrying to Jimmy 's front door . Susan is agitated as she pushes her spectacles up her nose and rapidly knocks on the door . She can hear the music from Jimmy 's room above , so she steps back and enthusiastically waves to him but Jimmy just smiles and continues with sorting his hair . Susan tries another method by banging and kicking the front door , this time it brings Jimmy downstairs . As he opens his door , he 's caught between saying ' where 's the fire ' and leaning forward to kiss her but Susan just rushes straight past him and into the small kitchen . Most of the time Jimmy 's mother has to work double shifts , so Susan has gotten to know where everything is located . " Mum 's already made up my lunch . " " You 're not going to work , not today " says Susan without raising her head . " I 'm not ? So what am I doing then , eloping ? " " That 's not funny " . She 's already wrapped up the first sandwiches in a brown bag and hands them to Jimmy . Jimmy knows what will happen if he doesn 't turn up for work today ; he 's already been late three days running . " Well , I 'll just go and see him myself then , shall I ? " and Susan kisses Jimmy on the cheek and leaves the room . Jimmy , forever the lost boy , follows her out , " Who , for crying out loud , are you going to see ? " Across the street Mister Andrews is already washing his car in the March sunshine and even he stops when he hears Jimmy shout out ' Elvis Presley ' quickly followed by a hooting noise . Dogs bark , birds scatter - it seems the whole of the town has just heard . A few minutes later and Mister Andrews stands back and admires his handy work as he lets the car dry in the sun . Just up the street a touch , Jimmy and Susan are hiding behind a wall . Jimmy wants to know where Susan got the information about Elvis and she tells him from her father who is a baggage handler at Prestwick airport . He 's heard that Elvis ' plane is to land in the west of Scotland to refuel . " But you better get here quick " was her father 's parting words . Jimmy asks " if she 's sure her father is telling the truth ? " and she says that he has sworn on her Mum 's life and that is good enough for her and it should be good enough for him too . Then she tells him about her plan , the one where they borrow Mister Andrews ' car . " It 's not stealing if we 're going to bring it back " . Mister Andrews is at that stage where he 's proudly polishing his pride and joy . He takes a step back , sees another blemish and continues rubbing . Susan rushes up and asks him if she can " please , please , please use his toilet " . He 's not happy about this turn of events , but she seems so desperate and Jimmy and his family have already gone to work . Mister Andrews says it 's okay but she has to take her shoes off before entering the house . He follows her in , dusting any part of the wall or furniture she may have accidentally rubbed against ; he doesn 't want to seem fussy but he knows he probably is . He stands outside the toilet door but feels it may look a little weird and so he moves down the hall a few steps . Mister Andrews doesn 't hear the sound of the car horn the first time around but Susan does . She 's been waiting on it . She rockets out of the toilet handing back Mister Andrews one of his towels then shooting out through the front door . Shocked at first , it takes the second car horn for Mister Andrew to realise what 's going on . He , too , rushes out his house but just in time to see his car , the girl and Jimmy from across the street driving it away . Well maybe driving is an exaggeration ; they are more pointing the car and making it hiccup along the road . " Oh dear - oh dear , oh dear , oh dear " says Mister Andrews as he wanders back into his home . " I 've just stolen a car " , declares Jimmy . Mister Andrews whispers , " oh dear , oh dear , oh dear " then adds , " You 're probably right Brenda love , you always are . " Jimmy knows the only way to get to the airport in time to see The King is to use the village High Street but just as he turns in to the road , Susan spots Jimmy 's mother and Jimmy 's boss talking to each other outside the butcher 's shop . That is why Jimmy 's mother sees an empty car driving past her along the High Street , Susan and Jimmy are well hidden . " Isn 't that Mister Andrew 's car ? " At the other end of the High Street where it turns into Observatory Road , old Webster and Hamish are in the village garage . It 's tea break time and this involves looking out the window while dunking their biscuits in their cracked cups . Old Webster checks with Hamish that he 's also just seen Mister Andrew 's car passing driver - less and sure enough he has . " Mighty me " says old Webster as he picks up the telephone , intending to call the police . Five minutes later , ten at the most , a policeman appears in front of Jimmy 's car with his hand raised in the ' stop ' position . I suppose if there are people reading this in later years and are wondering why a policeman would do such a thing , well in March 1960 in the United Kingdom , people still obeyed the law . Except Jimmy and Susan drive straight on , causing the constable to have to jump out of the way in order to save his life . It is only as the car crawls to the top of the hill and disappears over the other side , that the screaming starts . Mister Andrews may have had a clean car but the brakes aren 't of any use for stopping . Twice Jimmy bashes his head on the roof as these are the days before seat belts and such like . Luckily as they shoot across the main road and into the airport they fail to hit anything and come to rest in a ploughed field at the side of the runway . Jimmy and Susan sit for a second to catch their breaths and then undeterred by the lack of Susan 's shoes , they run towards the airport reception . " Ow , ow , ow " as Susan steps on every rock possible , Jimmy suggests she takes his shoes and although they are a whole lot larger , she finds it really does stop the pain . It will be worth it in a minute when they get to the reception , she thinks to herself , except when they get there , the hall is empty , that is except for the rubbish scattered everywhere . An old man slides back a dirty glass partition . " If you 're here to see that Mister Elvis fellow , then you 're too late . He 's been and he 's gone and it 's me who 's going to have to clean this mess up . Do you know what he said ? " Apparently Elvis had asked where he was , which caused the old man much laughter and mirth , so the old man felt he had to put Elvis right and tell him he was in Scotland . " Where am I ? What kind of question is that for a grown man ? " So that 's that . Who knows when Elvis will pass this way again ? And with shoulders slumped , Jimmy and Susan leave the building only for the old man to call after them that he 's heard that Elvis was going up to that local cafe . There is a god . To call the Brigadoon Tearooms anything but an old hut would be a kindness , except Susan is sure she can hear Elvis singing inside . Her heart begins to palpitate but Jimmy is only worried about avoiding sharp things on the ground since he 's walking in bare feet . He doesn 't notice Susan run ahead , storm the Brigadoon Tearooms and shout " Marry me Elvis " . He hears her the second time ' though . " What do you mean he 's gone ? " Susan is almost crying as the jukebox plays on . " Oh he was dreamy , wouldn 't take his cap off ' though - ' no Mam , I can 't do that ' " says a giggling girl who had also wanted to marry Elvis . Susan is talking to a girl who has talked to Elvis and it hurts . As it grows dark , Jimmy and Susan haven 't spoken to each other for a few hours now . The only communication they have had is when Jimmy takes his shoes back . " You would have run off with him to America - and married him " Jimmy is just about to take his turn at crying when a car turns up beside them . It 's Mister Andrews in his borrowed car and he rolls down the window . " I brought you these , they 're Susan 's shoes . Hop in and I 'll drive you both home . You can tell me all about it on the way " Susan puts on her shoes then asks Jimmy if he 's coming . The next day is a glorious one as Mister Andrews stands by the fireplace . " You 're looking a little grubby today , Brenda love " and Mister Andrews polishes the urn that keeps Brenda 's ashes safe . Once she 's gleaming , he turns satisfied to look out the window again . " Now you 're ready to face the world " Jimmy 's mother comes out of her door and crosses the street towards Mister Andrews ' house . For the first time ever she waves to him and he waves back . Mister Andrews smiles . Posted by As a boy , Stan thought he could remember seeing a clown being fired from a cannon at a circus in Hove . He couldn 't recollect , however , witnessing a man flying through the air . At least not one who flew straight through a pair of heavy wooden doors knocking Stan over and causing him to end up in the middle of a busy street . That sort of just didn 't happen in Hastings On the morning we speak of , he had set out intending to go for a constitutional stroll along the older part of town . This was his sanctuary ; down here he could scupper and hide by the little fishing boats and let the wind wash away his mother 's ' inspirational talks ' . Stan was twenty four years of age , for goodness sake , and since leaving the army had never held down a decent job . The war had been long over and for a man born on the first day of 1900 he was not making a wonderful example of the new dawn . What was going through that stupid head of his ? I ask you ? In life , all the best things appear to come when you least expect them , usually followed by the best things hitting you straight in the face - or making you roll out into the street - just the way Stan met Logie , as if you didn 't know . Now here 's a question , would Stan have ever known he could be an engineer if he hadn 't met Logie ? Just like there must have been another Einstein or Shakespeare out there who , for whatever reason , never got a chance to find out about their own genius . Not that I 'm saying Stan was a genius but certainly Logie was one and he knew Stan had his uses . After the ' flying man ' episode and as a way of an apology , Logie took Stan for a drink . As so often happens in these circumstances , they found they actually liked each other 's company . So much so , that when Logie 's landlord stormed into the public house later that day " to find the mad Scottish scientist who had blown up his rented rooms " Stan lied for Logie and told the landlord that his friend " had been taken to hospital that very afternoon and could be at death 's door even as we speak " whereas Logie was actually hiding in the toilet . Needless to say , the two of them became the greatest of pals . Here was Stan , a man in need of a job and Logie in need of an assistant he could trust . Stanley Addlington was born and bred a Sussex man and proud of it , his friend John Logie Baird , or Logie as he preferred , was from Helensburgh in the West of Scotland . Now it wouldn 't be so far from the truth to say that Logie was run out of Hastings . Logie and his landlord had an altercation in the street when he demanded recompense for the damage caused by the explosions . Logie reluctantly paid the swine and decided enough was enough , taking his inventions to a set of rooms in London 's Soho . And it was in these modest rooms that John Logie Baird demonstrated the first electro mechanical television . Stan would tell you that he was the first face ever to appear on a television screen . He had done it to amuse himself one night when Logie was out . The problem was that since he was the only person in the room at the time , he couldn 't actually see himself on the screen but he did remember burning himself on the lights needed for the camera . When Logie came in the next day and spotted the burns on Stan 's face , he smiled to himself having guessed what his friend had been up to . Unfortunately for Stan , history chose another as the first televised face . In the spring of 1936 , Logie decided to take a trip home to Helensburgh to see the family but due to his deteriorating health Logie asked Stan to drive him up there . This meant that Stan could take the car north and return to collect Logie at the end of the stay . Stan had only been to Scotland once before and that was when Logie transmitted television pictures to the Central Hotel in Glasgow via a telephone line from London . So yes , he would drive him to Helensburgh and then take the car on into the Highlands . Whatever made Stan take the Coldharbour road at Inveraray is between him and his maker but turn he did and before long he was staring at a rusty welcoming sign : ' Coldharbour : The B nniest Place in the West ' . Coming in from that direction , the village hall was the first real building you would pass . Outside Stan saw a rather pretty girl taking down a notice telling that the library was now open . She disappeared inside the hall and Stan saw this as a reason to stop . When he entered , she was packing up the makeshift library into boxes and was apparently doing so without anyone to help her . " Excuse me " said Stan . The girl spoke without lifting her head . " If you 're going to tell me there 's a letter ' O ' missing from our village sign , then I already know . It fell off last week . If you 're here to borrow books , you 're too late and anyway judging by your accent you 're not from these parts . " And on she worked . " I just wondered . . . . . I was wondering if you would like to come out with me this evening . . . for a drink or something , young lady ? " " Depends - did you want me to call you ' young lady ' ? " And the beautiful young girl thought about it and decided , yes , she did like it . So that was how Stanley Addlington met Agnes Lily Sorensen , daughter of Peter ; the man who sat quietly in rooms . Stan decided that this was as much of the Highlands as he wanted to see and found a room at Mrs Edith Huckerby 's bed and breakfast - five shillings and clean sheets . Mrs Huckerby never told her lodger that she disapproved of Agnes and her demented father but it seemed to Stan that Mrs Huckerby disapproved of everyone . What she needed was a hard kiss on those lips , thought Stan , but decided he wasn 't the man for the job . Although her house smelt of the most delicious baking , Mrs Huckerby , herself , smelt of mothballs , probably one of the reasons why Stan did not feel he was the right man to deliver the kiss . Stan and Agnes spent the next Sunday afternoon walking the high hills overlooking Loch Awe - Agnes liked the way Stan called it ' Lock ah ' , in fact she liked many things about Stan . She was twenty two years of age and this was the first time she had ever had these feelings . On the following Tuesday , as usual , Agnes set up the library in the hall but this time there were two differences : Stan was there helping and the rooms were full of the happy sound of laughter , even the sun turned up to shine through the windows . They set up the books in an ordered fashion , crime was on the left and very popular in Coldharbour , the classics were on the right and the penny romances were in the centre ; the latter proving very popular with the women and girls of the village who never stopped dreaming of their knights in shining armour . Stan , Agnes ' knight , lifted a small vase out of a tired old box and asked what it was for . " Ah that 's the suggestions vase , at the end of every session I read what 's been placed in it . Some suggest particular books , some just want to leave a message , some to place some money or to say thanks " said Agnes . By the end of the afternoon Stan knew it was time to head back south to Helensburgh and pick up Logie . They intended to stay a night in Glasgow before driving to London and Stan wished with all his heart that Agnes could join him , but he knew about her father and him sitting in a room quietly . So when Agnes ' back was turned , Stan scrawled a quick note and placed it in the jar , then he kissed her goodbye and promised lovely Agnes that he would return . As he was driving away from Loch Awe , he looked at his watch and knew that she would soon read the proposal of marriage he had placed in the vase . Stan was just about to whistle his favourite tune by way of celebration when the car skidded for several yards before tumbling off the road . He was sure he had felt the road shaking just before the accident . As he sat stunned in the automobile , he felt it again , the earth definitely moved . The machine was stuck good and proper and there was no way he could push it out . So Stan set out to walk up the old road that followed the Orchy River to the bridge . In Coldharbour , Agnes was clearing up the mess in the hall . There had been small earthquakes before in the area but this was a bit stronger than usual . Still , she got to work picking up all the bookshelves and the scattered books but Agnes failed to notice the broken vase lying on its side and its contents having spilled out under a wooden desk . In the morning , Stan thanked the old couple who fed him well and who asked for nothing in return . He walked the military road across Ba Bridge and into Glencoe , finding a telephone at The Kingshouse and thereby allowing him to notify Logie that he would be delayed . In the Autumn of 1936 , Logie and his team were busier than ever supplying the BBC with their latest television technology to test against other competing systems . Logie 's group were based at The Crystal Palace , a structure moved from Hyde Park to Penge Common in 1851 . Stan had bought a small house near - by in Sydenham , in the hope that he would hear from Agnes and that she would say yes . It was nearly the end of November and Stan had begun to give up on the idea of a life with Agnes . Several days before the Coldharbour hall was to be used for a Saint Andrew 's night party Miss McKelvie , the village hall cleaner , found the contents of the suggestion vase underneath the desk , including Stan 's proposal of marriage . So on the night of the 30th of November and instead of dancing in the village hall , Agnes found herself knocking on the door of a house in Sydenham , south east London . She had been reluctant to go as it would mean leaving her mother with a father who sat and said nothing , but her mother told her that sometimes happiness only comes once and that she should catch it before it was too late . Stan proposed properly to Agnes that night with the ring he had been keeping safe on a chain around his neck . It was just as Agnes had accepted Stan 's hand in marriage , that she noticed the redness of the sky . She thought , at first , it was to do with the London lights being so much stronger than those in Coldharbour but when Stan went out into the garden he could smell the smoke , then he heard the clang . . . clang . . . clang of the fire engines . The Crystal Palace , and all ideas that he and Logie had worked so hard on over the years , was on fire . The BBC , in the end , chose another television system just as the country drifted into war . In Hastings , Agnes and Stan got married and had two wonderful years before Agnes moved back to Coldharbour to wait on her knight returning from battle . I was born in the West Coast of Scotland - a beautiful part of the world . Grew up in Paris , France and Woodstock , New York . I studied writing at college and gained a Masters . I wrote a short film ' Stealing Moses ' which was selected by the British Urban Film Festival , 2015 and was supported by Channel 4 . I have been selected to pitch at BAFTA , twice . I trained through TAPS at Emmerdale and The Bill . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . His family loved him , of that you can be sure . He was , after all , from them and like them . Sometimes when his mother walked with her chi . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . When I first got to know her , She was fully formed . A woman with life , and humour and Dreams . And in the gaps between the dark times , S . . . 1 . The day Bingo met The Angel The day that Bingo died was the day I decided to put on my walking boots and leave town . Bingo ha . . . There had always been wars . Even in the times of love and hope , there was always a reason to kill . From the 17 th century onwards , wa . . . Andrew came across the newspaper cutting while packing . It was as soft as felt . Blurred and brushed at the edges , paper turned to cloth . There was a who . . . Philip found a bee today . It was in a bucket of water at the allotment . He didn 't know where it had come from , or what had caused it to end up in the wa . . . |
at work , blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , older younger , pussy licking " We 'll just pick you up at your apartment at 7 : 30 , " the woman 's voice on the phone instructed me , " And that 's all there is to it , Tonia ! " " OK , " I chuckled , " See you then . " The woman on the phone was Ruth , the wife of my boss , Dick . I guess Dick had said something to her about the mood I 've been in at work lately and that I said I was going to get really wiped out at our party tonight . Ruth said she was concerned about me driving . They live about three miles from me so it wasn 't going to be too far out of their way . The office staff had dwindled all afternoon . When Ruth called at a little after four , I was the only one left . I knew I 'd have to work until five because there was a possibility that someone from our largest customer 's office might call and my boss didn 't want to make a big deal about us closing early . He knew I could handle anything that came up . I sat at my desk , daydreaming about the dress I 'd found on the Internet . The black dress looks almost like a slip . It has spaghetti straps that criss - cross in the back , which is bare from the waist up . It 's at least three inches above my knees and has a short slit up each side . I can 't wear a bra under it so the firm nipples on my smallish breasts , become very noticeable . Dick calls me a brat because I love to tease him by wearing short skirts or something else , sexy , to work . I know the other men watch me too , but he 's so much fun to tease . I still wasn 't sure if I had enough nerve to wear the dress , though . Time flew by and soon I was looking at myself in the full length mirror in my bedroom , " I don 't know if you should wear this … " I kept turning around and looking at how naughty my little 95 pound , five foot two and a half inch body looked in this silky dress . It was too late to change . The doorbell rang and I scampered down the hall and opened it . " Just need to grab a jacket and my coat , " I turned quickly . " Wait a minute ! " Dick cal ( more … ) big black cocks , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , massage , slut wifeMy wife Julie and I decided to take a well deserved vacation to the Caribbean . After some research we decided on Jamaica . I went online to look at the different resorts , as we were looking for some privacy . I found a small exclusive resort called GoldenEye . It was expensive but very private . I searched online at work and printed a bunch of articles on the resort so I could take my time at home and read through everything later that night . After dinner I sat down with a glass of wine and started reading the articles , while my sexy wife was getting our son ready for bed . She is a natural blonde , 5 ′ 4 ″ , with an incredible body and 34C chest . She bears a striking resemblance to actress Daryl Hannah . Most of the articles described the resort , amenities and of course , prices . One article I noticed was different . It was a blog and mentioned that GoldenEye was known as a place to go where well - to - do travelers can discretely explore their sexual fantasies with the local islanders . That was all it said , and it did not go into any further details . None of the other articles mentioned anything like that , so I wasn 't sure if it was a joke or possibly true . Thinking about it gave me an immediate hard on , as I pictured my beautiful blonde wife taking on a dark islander . Just then , my wife came downstairs and asked me if I had decided on a resort yet . Acting on impulse , I divided the articles in half , and slipped the blog to the bottom of the pile and handed her the papers , asking her to read the ones I did not yet get to . She got herself a glass of wine and sat on the couch across from me and began to read . After about a half hour and a glass of wine , she was getting closer to the bottom of the pile . She was tipsy at this point from the wine , it doesn 't take much , and my heart was beating wildly not knowing how she would react to the final page . Finally she began reading the last page and I noticed that she showed no reaction as she read it . She did not say a ( more … ) at school , cheating , fingers , pussy licking , slut wifeOn Friday afternoon , I decided to surprise my wife by stopping by her classroom . Kim and I have been married for six years . She has been everything I every wanted . Kim stands about five foot four and one hundred twenty pounds . Her heart shaped ass and size C cup tits never fail to turn me on . Being Kim 's second lover allowed us to grow in experience together . I thought that we had done it all until that fateful afternoon . Kim 's room has a back entrance if you use the fire escape from the alley . The weather was warm so she had her windows open . I heard voices on the way up the stairs . She was lecturing to one of the senior local jocks . Chris had everything you would dream of in high school . He had great looks , athletic ability , and a rich dad that keep him in that latest fashions and cool cars . Being the school 's prize football players , Chris had every girl in school chasing after him . He also was rumored to have his way with many of the adult fans around town also . Kim 's lecture went on about him picking on one of the girls in class . It seems that Chris convinced the girl to pose for him and he decided that science class was a good time to share the pictures with his friends . Kim intercepted the photos and had Chris report after school to discuss the issue . After about ten minutes of lecture , Chris only had a smart - ass reply . " So are you jealous I didn 't ask you to pose for me ? " he asked . As I peeked into the window , I began to feel nervous that Kim would be alone in the room with a stud like Chris . He stood six - two and weighed about 230 ( all muscle ) . Kim left her desk and approached him in a very stern manner . She demanded that Chris stand and apologize immediately . Chris towered over Kim as he spoke , " The only thing I will apologize for is not doing this sooner . " He took the back of his head in his hand and drew her into a kiss . This boy must know what he was doing because he laid it on good . Kim hesitated then seemed to respond and kiss him back . ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionism , fucking , masturbationThe house was empty , or so it seemed . Tom took off his jacket and hung it over the back of a chair in the living room . He went to the kitchen and took a beer from the fridge . Opening it , he took a long swig and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand . " Ah … the weekend . Let the good times roll ! " he thought to himself . He started to climb the stairs of the house , taking off his tie with his free hand . He took another swig of his beer , and heard what sounded like a moan . He stopped on the stairs and turned around . Seeing no one , he shrugged his shoulders and continued up the stairs . He arrived at the landing and again heard the noise , louder this time . He looked around and again saw no one . He walked towards the master bedroom , passing by the au pairs door . He noticed that it was slightly ajar , and then heard another moan . He stopped and listened . The house was silent accept for the occasional moan . He wanted to know where it was coming from . Another moan , or was it more of a grunt ? He knew where it was coming from this time . Tom crept up to the au pairs door , and slowly eased it open . The site that met his eyes caused his heart to beat faster . There , lying on her bed , naked as the days she was born , was Sylvie , the au pair . Her eyes were closed . Her left hand was feeling her right breast , pinching her nipple . Her right hand was wrapped around the end of a vibrator that she was busy plunging in and out of her pussy . Tom watched mesmerized by her display . Her breathing was becoming more urgent and her thrusting was getting faster . Her hand was a blur as she thrust the fake penis in and out of her with speed . Tom could feel his own sense of arousal . He looked down and could see the bulge forming at the front of his trousers . He returned his attentions back to Sylvie . She stopped tweaking her nipple and ran her hand down her body . She started to feverishly rub her clitoris whilst still keeping the momentum of her thrusting . She started to thrash her head about . ( more … ) anal sex , at work , big black cocks , blowjobs , cheating , groupsex , slut wifeMy wife , Lori , and I have been married for 10 years now ! How the time flies by ! We had a rather short romance - about 10 months - before we decided to get married . We hadn 't known of each other before we met and I was so thrilled to catch onto such a lovely girl as my own . Lori is an outstandingly lovely girl . She is tall but well shaped and she is not gangly at all ! She has lovely long legs which are really very well shaped . She is often first noticed by her legs . She rarely wears stockings or pantyhose saying she loves her bare legs . Her waist is just right and her behind is very trim , taut and terrific and attracts much attention . Her breasts are just right ! She is very proud of her breasts with their well shaped nipples pointing outwards . I love her breasts and worship them . She has very sensitive nipples and loves for me to suck and bite gently on them . Amazingly she can cum quite easily if I suck her nipples in just the right way . Lori had been fucked before I met her . She often told me stories about her previous lovers and what they had done to her . I find I can listen to her telling me about getting fucked without getting jealous . Mind you , if she attempted to fuck around now that we are married it would be a vastly different thing ! Then I could get very jealous . Anyway , Lori had been a very attractive teenager and as she had grown up and left college she moved into interesting circles and it was here that she had her lovers . She told me she had fucked regularly with any of her lovers but had never participated in multiple partners or gangbangs ! Whilst lying in bed , naked , with her I would sometimes visualize the other men fucking her and this made me even more aroused . She would see that I was turned on and would tell me stories about her sex life before me ! This would get me so stirred up I would just have to fuck her in a hurry . This was what she loved and it was a great thrill for me to be able to fuck her when ever I wanteA Little Strip Poker blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , cum eaters , fingers , first times , pussy licking , slut wife , teasingMy name is Peter . My wife Jessie and I are both in our early 50 's and have been happily married for 30 years , and became empty nesters 2 years ago . We are both in good shape ; both keep active and work out some . We have started opening up sexually somewhat after becoming empty nesters . Since that time , we have been rediscovering our sex life . We have always been faithful to each other ( at least as far as I know ) and have a really close loving relationship . Now Jessie has been quite sexually inhibited throughout our 30 year marriage , having been brought up in a Victorian way . She doesn 't like the ' messy ' side to sex ; she has never sucked me to completion , although she will take me in her mouth . It took me a long time to get her to let me eat her , but she will not even let me look at her pussy after sex . She will never let me touch her ass … ever . She won 't kiss me after I eat her , won 't let me eat her if I have already put some lube on her . She doesn 't sweat , and hates the feeling of a mess on her . She is quite passionate otherwise , will get on and ride me for a long time , lets me use a vibrator on her etc . I like a hairless pussy and she lets me shave her pussy lips as long as I leave her pubis alone . To my knowledge she had never touched or tasted cum at this time . This is why the events of last weekend have really rocked our marriage ! We had a friend over last weekend , a single guy we have known for a long time . Ed is a pretty normal guy at 5 ' 11 and 180 , active and reasonable shape . Since we were bored , we decided to play 3 - handed crib . We were drinking wine and were moaning about the game . Terrible game , boring as hell , and my wife Jessie was loosing badly . " Probably the most boring card game in the world " she said . " No , the game ' go fish ' is worse , " replied Ed . " Yes , but that 's a kid 's game , I was talking about adult games . " " Oh ADULT games , " I said , to emphasize the double meaning . ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , cum eaters , slut wife , voyeurI never told her that I saw her that night . Hell , she was plenty drunk and I 've done stupid things when I was that loaded . We had been invited to a party at my friend Jims ' house . Everyone had known each other for years and the sexual talk that had been going on all evening was nothing new . What was new was that someone acted on it and it was Julie , my wife , who acted upon the talk . I don 't think anyone noticed that she and Jim had disappeared but I did and without saying a word to the rest of the group I also snuck away to see where they might be . I noticed the basement door was open just slightly and went down the stairs quietly not knowing what I would find . What I found / saw was my wife of 15 years down on her knees sucking the cock of Jim , a very good friend of mine and hers . She seemed to be enjoying it as well and I could tell by the look on Jim 's face he was also . Her blouse was open and her tits were pushed up over the top of her bra . Jim must have gotten a hand or mouthful before Julie dropped to suck him . I had a pretty good angle for watching and watch is what I did . She looked so trampish I couldn 't look away . Jim had his hands behind her head and was really giving her a good face fucking . Jim was a well built guy that Julie had more than once told me she found attractive . His cock was not huge but it wasn 't small either . Julie seemed to be totally enjoying the way he was face fucking her , as she could be heard moaning with each stroke of his cock into her mouth . This went on for a time after I got there when Julie pulled her face from his dick and said stick that big fucking prick in my cunt you bastard . at work , fuckingThe first thing I saw as I entered through his office door was him , sitting at his desk , some papers and folders spread out in front of him and the glow from his computer screen reflecting off his shirt . His smile was all I needed to see to know that he didn 't mind me dropping in on him unexpectedly . As I approached him , he turned his chair to get up , but I leaned over to kiss him before he could get to his feet , pushing him back down . My kiss was a little harder and a little more urgent than a " hello " kiss usually is , but I didn 't linger long enough for him to respond . I moved to the back of his chair , leaned forward pressing my full breasts against the back of his neck and put my arms over his shoulders and my hands on his chest . I lowered my head to his ear and whispered , " I 've been thinking about you all morning and I really needed to come and see you , to feel you against me , to feel you inside of me . I wanna fuck your brains out , here , now ! " I felt his body tense as my words registered in his mind . He spun his chair around and stood up , put his arms around me and pulled me towards him . Our lips met and the kiss was immediately passionate and full of desire . My fingers went directly to his belt and I undid the buckle , the fastener on the waistband of his pants , then lowered the zipper . His cock was already semi hard and I hadn 't even touched him yet . I lowered his pants and his shorts , releasing him from the confines of his clothes . I crooned , " Ahhhhh … I love to look at you , to watch you grow and get hard in my hand . " I gently pushed him back into the chair and kneeled in front of him . My hand was wrapped around his cock , stroking him . His erection was becoming harder and harder by the second . I could feel him swelling under my touch . I bowed my head down and slowly and lightly ran my tongue over the head of his fully erect rod . I opened my lips and covered the entire head of his cock , sucking him inside of me . He felt my lips moving down his shaft . My tongue was swirling arou ( more … ) blowjobs , family , first times , older youngerAt 38 , I was fortunate enough to have a successful career as a commercial photographer . While I did my share of weddings and bar mitzvah 's , I also got to shoot many fashion sessions , meeting many beautiful young women and being blessed with the opportunity to have sex with a number of them . My wife didn 't appreciate this very much , which explains why she is now my ex - wife . But then she was also a model I had met on a shoot before our relationship blossomed into a 5 - year long argument . Fortunately , we didn 't have any children to fuck up so the divorce was about as clean as it could be . While it would have been nice to have had some kids , I have come to accept this as something that will probably never be . But I have also been lucky enough to have my older brother 's kids to enjoy and spoil . By brother has two daughters , Beckie and Jenna . They are both smart , beautiful and sweet kids and I have enjoyed spending time with them while they were growing up . They were also incredibly photogenic and I had used them as models here and there for different projects ranging from children 's clothing ads to portraits . Beckie and Jenna are now grown up . Beckie is 22 and is finishing up college and on her way to graduate school to get her MBA next Fall . Jenna is 18 and just graduated high school . While she is as bright as her sister , she is not the straight arrow that Beckie is . From the time she was little , we all knew that Beckie would be a business woman . There was just something about her . Jenna , on the other hand , was the wild child of the two , often flighty and irresponsible . Luckily she was also drop - dead gorgeous and could easily get out of trouble with a smile or a glance . But it didn 't get her into college . So Jenna was taking time off after high school to figure out what she was going to do . My brother and I are a lot like his girls . He went to college to become a CPA and I went to art school for two years before dropping out . As a result , I always understood Jenna b ( more … ) anal sex , big black cocks , cheating , cuckold , slut wifeI first met Tina in 1980 . She was a tiny little blonde with the wildest appetite for sex . We experimented with swinging and I was fascinated with watching her suck guys off and fuck the shit out of them . We were married two years later and had a child . We had calmed down in the extramarital sex part of our lives but we still liked to play with toys and watch porn movies . The thing that got us back into swinging was the purchase of a surprise bag of sex toys . There was a black dildo in the bag and when I used it on Tina she went nuts , yelling , " Oh my God , I can 't believe I 've got a black dick in me . " She writhed all over the place and ended up having one hell of an intense orgasm . Later , when I asked her about it she told me that she 'd always wondered what it would be like to fuck a black guy . It was always a taboo thing where she grew up and was told only sluts who craved huge cocks screwed black guys . This became the theme of our fantasies and Tina would cum time and again while watching interracial porno movies , especially where the girl was a tiny blonde like her . She agreed to let me watch while she had her first experience with a black dick . The first time occurred spontaneously though I was not there to witness . Her friend Carol called one Saturday , in the late afternoon , to ask Tina if she wanted to go out and have a few drinks with her . I encouraged her to go out and have some fun . Tina called me about 11 : 30 that night and said that Carol had gotten ill from one drink too many and had left the bar . Tina said she ; d stayed and had met this young black guy who wanted her to go to a hotel with him . She said she knew I wanted to watch the first time but that she really wanted to fuck this guy bad and asked if it 'd be OK . I told her to go for it . Tina got home around 5am and she was a mess . Her hair was crazy and her clothes were wrinkled . I asked her how it was and she replied , " He fucked the shit out of me . " I asked if he had a big dick and shWork Party For One at work , big black cocks , cuckold , domination , first times , fucking , Pregnant , slut wifeToni called being very apologetic , asking if I minded watching our little girl while she attended a party thrown by a friend of Gingers . I told her it was no problem , not to worry , and to have a good time . Wanting to make sure she would be safe , I asked if she or someone else was going to drive . Though Toni was very conservative with her actions , she didn 't drink very often and when she did , it always made her tipsy . She informed me that Ginger was driving and she was riding with her . She also promised if she got too bad she 'd stay the night at Gingers instead of trying to drive home . Ginger and I didn 't really care for each other . She felt Toni needed someone worthy of her unbelievable looks and body . Though I didn 't say anything to Toni , Ginger would smile and tease me saying , someday she was going to get my wife laid by a real man . Then she 'd know what it was like to be really fucked . Ginger doing this wouldn 't be anything out of the norm . She was always taking some guy home just for her own pleasure . Usually married , she enjoyed taking another woman 's property and adding him to her list of conquests . She 'd tell Toni , married men are the best lays . You get fucked really well and they go home to their wives when you 're done with them . No messy relationships . Ginger asked Toni , " Would you like me to get you one ? You can use him as an exercise toy or just for the fun of it . " Toni would always tell her , " I 'm very happy with who and what I have . I don 't need anyone else to satisfy me . Besides if I want a workout , I 'll go to the gym . " Ginger knew that Toni was a virgin when she married . The only man she 'd ever had , was her husband and hadn 't touched or seen any others . Unlike Ginger , who experienced the full range of men and their varied sizes . Toni would always hear about the size and stamina of her latest conquest . Though Toni acted as if she was disgusted at what she heard , she would tell me all a ( more … ) at work , blowjobs , cheating , cum eaters , fuckingThere 's a girl at work who I really fancy , her name is Rhona and she 's about 5 ' 4 ″ , brown hair which goes down to her shoulders and an adorable wee fringe , her smile makes me melt every time I see it , she is absolutely gorgeous but I can always see a mischievous glint in her eye . Her body shape is mesmirising , she is just smaller than average build and has the most amazing breasts . I don 't know her all that well because she works in a different department in the office , we 've only spoken a couple of times but there was definitely a wee bit of flirting going on from both of us when we did . Well , I got to know her a lot better last night … I was working late , probably about half 7 and there was only me and another guy in my department . I decided to go for a toilet break just to get away from the computer screen for five minutes . As I walked down the corridor towards the restrooms , Rhona popped out from her office a few feet in front of me , she saw me , smiled and I could swear I saw her bite her lip as she started to walk a couple of yards ahead of me . She was wearing a purple dress thing which went to about half way down her thighs with thick black stockings underneath and flat shoes , I watched her arse , hypnotised by the way she was walking . When I reached the door that led to the wee corridor where the mens and ladies was I found her propping it open for me , I smiled and said " thanks " , she smiled back at me and then bit her lip again . We stood looking at each other a wee bit awkwardly for a couple of seconds , then she reached her arm out and kind of tapped me on the arm , I felt a wee buzz of electricity and suddenly I had butterflies in my stomach . " Wait there two secs , ok ? " I nodded and she disappeared into the girls toilets . A couple of seconds later she threw the door open and grabbed my hand , before i knew it I had been dragged into the ladies and thrown up against a wall . She pushed her body onto mine and kissed me , I started to kiss her back an ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , exhibitionismI am currently dating a graduate student who attends my school named Eric . Things had been going really well and our sex life has been amazing . Over the past few weeks however , he has been hinting and joking that he wants to have a three - way with me and one of his friends . When he first brought it up , I joked back " Oh yeah , which one of your friends ? " and he answered back " I don 't care honey , any one of them ! " It has usually come up when we are fooling around right before sex and I wasn 't sure if he was serious or not . Some of his friends are cute , all of them are older ( in their late 20 's and early 30 's ) and I found myself thinking about it a little bit . Since Eric is older and in grad school , he doesn 't know about my past " history " as someone who likes to have fun . After a few weeks , he began to bring up the subject of a three - way more and more , and although I was secretly thinking about trying it , I continued to tell him that it was out of the question . It seemed that the more out of the question I made it seem , the more he joked about it . His 30th birthday was coming up on October 27th , right before Halloween , and he told me that his friends were going to throw him a private party at his friend Todd 's apartment and that I couldn 't come . " It 's just for the guys " he said . Well , a few days before Eric 's birthday , we were out a bar with Eric and his friends . Eric got up to go to the bar to get some drinks . His friend Todd reached for his wallet to get some money to give to Eric when I saw a card fall out of his wallet . I saw a picture of a woman on the card so I reached down and snatched it up . In bright pink letters it said " Tina 's Dancers & Escorts . " It had phone numbers and a picture of a cheap looking stripper . I looked at Todd and he flushed bright red as I handed him back the card and smiled . " Lonely Todd ? " I said jokingly . He flushed even brighter red and quickly put it back in his wallet . Eric and the other guys were busy handling ( more … ) exhibitionism , fingers , lesbianFinally , we were going to visit Australia . For years my wife and I had been planning this trip . We 'd promised ourselves that one day we would go " down under . " Now at last we were on our way . For Christmas my parents had given us two first - class tickets on QANTAS , the Australian airline . From Los Angels it was a 14 - hour flight , so the first class seats were very welcome . I turned and looked at Lynne as she sat next to me . For 35 she was looking fine . Her long brown hair hung down to her waist and her full high breasts still showed no sign of sag . We indulged in the complimentary Champagne and enjoyed the delicious food , not giving any thought to the poor souls back in economy . After dinner we ordered another bottle of wine and sat back to enjoy the movie . On first class you have individual screens and a selection of movies and Lynne and I both decided to watch " Eyes Wide Shut . " This turned out to be very sexy in parts and by the end of the film I was sporting a large hard - on . I noticed that Lynne was squirming in her seat and decided to try to feel her up . We both had blankets over us and slowly I slid my hand over beneath her blanket and started to run my fingers up her thigh . Lynne immediately grabbed my wrist . " Stop that , someone will see us , " she whispered . " Don 't worry about it , " I said . " First class is practically empty . No - one will notice . " Lynne reluctantly released my wrist and I continued to slide my fingers up underneath the short skirt she was wearing . Soon my fingers came in contact with the strip of cotton of her panties and I gradually eased my fingers under the leg band and started rubbing her pussy . By now Lynne was moving around in her seat and her movements must have caught the attention of our stewardess . I looked up to see a beautiful blonde in QANTAS uniform standing by Lynne 's seat . She could see the outline of my hand as it pushed back and forth between Lynne 's legs and by now the was a definite smell of pussy in the air as Lynne reacted t ( more … ) Big tits , blowjobs , outdoors , slut wife " This is so dirty , " my wife whispered to me as the large breasted blonde ground herself into my lap , " aren 't I the best wife ever ? " I was unable to answer lost in the moment . It was dirty and so out of character for my wife . The evening had started with a nice dinner out , followed by a few drinks at one of our favorite neighborhood watering holes . After a few cocktails , Linda suggested we hit a strip club , something she had never done before . I , of course , had and suggested my favorite titty bar , located just a few blocks from downtown . Linda watched as the stripper gyrated on my lap . Seeing the nude female form was not unusual for her , being art director for an advertising firm she was exposed to photos of and actual scantily clad women every day . Having started her career as a photographer , she had done a few nude shoots before we had met , proudly showing me the photos , displaying some of them on the walls of our home . She had always looked at nudes in a detached artist 's manner . Tonight , for the first time , she seemed to be enjoying the titillating nature of the nude female form . " Her tits are so big , " she said leaning into my ear , " do you think they 're real ? " " No way . " I answered . They were stiff , not having the bounce of a natural pair . I 'd explain this all to Linda later . The song ended and the stripper extracted herself from my lap . Linda handed a twenty to her , but the stripper held her g - string out just as she would for a male customer . Linda placed the bill in the stripper 's underwear hesitantly , not making eye contact with the girl . It was then that she noticed the effect the stripper had had on me . " Someone looks like they 've enjoyed themselves ! " I grabbed her leg , just above the knee and below the hem of her dress . " Thanks for the lap dance , baby . " " Seeing that makes it all worth while . " " I want you so bad . " I reached for my wallet to leave a tip on the table . " Let 's get out of here , quick ! " We walked through the parki ( more … ) anal sex , exhibitionism , groupsex , slut wife " That was a lovely meal , " Suzy said to me , looking up from her beer . " Did you notice that waiter ? He kept trying to look down your dress every time he got near the table . " We were sitting in the beer garden outside a pub not far from the restaurant . We had spent the night with friends after missing the last train following a dinner party at their house and decided to have an early lunch before getting the train home . " I can 't say I noticed . Were you getting jealous ? " Suzy asked me , playfully rubbing her leg against mine . " No , no . Maybe he was just staring because not many women wear evening dress in the afternoon . " " Maybe I should take it off . Would you like that ? " Suzy asked . She stood up , seductively placing her hands on her hips and raising the dress slightly . She raised her eyebrows at me , then laughed out loud . " Maybe later . I 'm just going to the Ladies Room to check I 'm not showing more than I should be . Did you see where it is when you bought the drinks ? " " Yeah . It 's just by the door as you go in . " " Thanks . Be sure to wait for me , won 't you . , " she grinned at me , knowing I 'd wait forever . I turned to watch her go . She really did look sexy in the dress . It was bright red , very short and daringly low cut at the front . Wearing matching stiletto heels , her full breasts and shapely ass stuck out in all the right ways . All the men at the party last night were drinking her in with their eyes , and I knew she was enjoying the attention . I wondered if she was lying about not noticing the way the waiter was looking at her . When Suzy returned from the toilet I noticed that she seemed very flushed . She rarely drinks in the afternoon and we had polished off two bottles of wine before we had even finished the meal , so we were both more than a little tipsy even before coming to the pub for a beer . " Are you feeling all right ? " I asked her . For a second she just stared at me , her mouth open , not seeming to register what I was saying , then sh ( more … ) blowjobs , cheating , fucking , groupsex , slut wife " Oh , c ' mon honey . We can 't see the screen with you standing there ! " Janice gave myself and my two friends a petulant , sulky look and stomped off to the kitchen . " Oh well , " I said to Frank , sitting next to me , " I guess we better not ask her to bring us a beer ! " Frank and my other friend , Joey laughed as I got up from my seat to get the beers myself . " Tell me if I miss anything . " The ball game had been an exciting one so far ; the lead switching from team to team as the game progressed . I was reluctant to tear myself away from the TV , but we all needed that liquid refreshment essential to watching any sporting event ! " How long is this stupid game going on ? " asked my wife as I opened the fridge , " I 'm bored ! " She smiled that impish little grin at me . The one she knows I find hard to resist . " I 'm also feeling a little horny , baby . C ' mon , get rid of these guys and forget the game , I got something hot just for you ! " I thought about it . My wife can be a hot little bitch when she wants . But I stood firm . " Sorry honey , It 'll have to wait a while , the game 's just getting interesting , and the guys want their beer ! " I could almost feel her icy stare on my back as I returned to the lounge to resume watching the game . Frank , Joey and myself watched , drank and cheered as our team increased their lead . At one point I heard Janice stomping up the stairs and assumed that she was going to watch a soap or something on the TV in our bedroom . I paid no more attention to her until , several minutes later I heard her returning . Joey was sitting by the door and was the first to see her as she entered the room . His eyes stood out on stalks as he looked at my wife . Whilst she was upstairs , she had changed her clothes and now appeared before us barefoot and wearing only the briefest pair of shorts and a thin cotton t - shirt . It was obvious that she had not worn a bra under the shirt and her large breasts bobbed and jiggled under the thin material as she walked ( more … ) anal sex , blowjobs , exhibitionism , first times , groupsex , slut wifeMy wife and I had been married for almost 8 years when this little incident occurred . As the years have gone by , our sex life has progressed and grown richer . I have made sure of that by asking about her fantasies , then fulfilling them the best I can . We include spanking , mild bondage , domination and submission into our sexual repertory . But I always felt that she was holding out on me ; that there was one fantasy that she would not share with me . After much prodding she admitted that she was obsessed with the idea of being fucked by more than one guy . I was not surprised . My wife Jennifer ( the names have been changed to protect the naughty ) is a very sexual person . Her body screams sex . She is petite , with dark hair , green eyes , large breasts for her size and a large round ass ; God , I love to spank that ass , but I digress . Months went by and I made no mention of it . Then we went on our vacation to Florida , staying at a small hotel near the beach . My wife loves the beach . On the third day , while we were on the beach , two young men set up camp next to our towel . They looked to me to be about 18 or 19 years old , average looking , not jocks nor geeks , just average guys . I should know , I was one of them at their age . I got laid every once in a while , but mostly I just jerked off . The interesting thing about them was their contrast , one guy was shorter with dark hair , the other fair - haired and over six foot . Jennifer quickly started a conversation with them which surprised me and gave me an idea . We learned that they were freshmen at the local college . As Jennifer talked , she asked me to rub some sunscreen on her . Although it seemed to me that she had plenty of sunscreen on , I did as she asked . As we chatted with Mark , the blond , and Ray , the shorter one , I spread lotion all over my wife 's front side paying special attention to the exposed tops of her ample breasts . I could see the guys steal glances at her tits . She turned over and I did the same to her ba ( more … ) at workYesterday I was walking in the mall killing time during my lunch break . I walked past the open area where they had set up the big chair and the camera , for kids to take a picture with the Easter Bunny . As I passed by , I was looking at the Easter Bunny , and he waved at me . Since I couldn 't see the person inside , I wasn 't really sure if he was waving at me or not , but the big head kept turning as I walked by , and continued to wave until finally , I waved back . He then motioned me to come over , and I thought , why not , I 'll take a $ 5 polaroid with the Easter Bunny . Since it was lunchtime on a weekday , there wasn 't a line , so I walked past the white picket fence that was set up for kiddie mob control , and sat on EB 's lap . A fluffy white paw went to my waist , and I heard a male voice from inside say , " What 's your name ? " I told him my name was Angel , and he said , " very sweet … " as his paw moved down from my waist , down the curve of my hip , and settled on my ass . The Easter Bunny was hitting on me ! was all I could think . Just then , the photographer , dressed in green with a purple tulip headpiece , yelled " smile ! " and snapped the picture . I was caught off guard , and blinked right when she took it , so I requested another . All this time , EB 's paw was moving over my ass , caressing it . Thinking I 'd have some fun , I moved from one side of his lap to the other , rubbing my ass over the crotch of his bunny suit . When I settled myself on his other leg , I looked at EB and saw that the furry chest beneath his bright green vest was visibly taking deeper breaths . I smiled at him , evil , and asked , " What 's wrong EB ? " His muffled voice said , " Got anywhere to go after this ? I 've got a break coming . " I checked my watch and said , " I 've got about 40 minutes until I have to be back at my office . " Just then , the purple tulip - head said , " Are you ready ? " How nice of her to ask . EB and I nodded yes , and she snapped the photo . I got up up from EB 's lap , and he stood up behind me . He told the tuli ( more … ) Big tits , blowjobs , cheating , cuckold , cum eaters , slut wifeYou just would never , ever think that she could be naughty . My very lovely wife , Marie , looks like a quiet , innocent librarian . Five foot five , pretty doe eyes , brown and shinning , a pert brunette , 120 pounds , a nice figure with D cup breasts that were big , heavy and oh so firm . But especially when wearing glasses , she looked so pure . But by the time she was thirty , Marie was beginning to discover she loved to show off that body , especially to strangers . Marie was a very submissive woman , deferring to me on any occasion . The perfect little wife : obedient and sexy . On one very special day , there was a different tone in her voice . " O . K . Buster , " she said almost as soon as we walked into the two room suite in the expensive New York City hotel . " This is the afternoon you 're gonna get your fantasy come true . " And with that she placed her hands on my chest and pushed me onto the bed . For a moment I thought she was going to attack me sexually , but Marie stepped back as I recovered and sat up . " You 've been saying for five years you wanted me to fuck another man . Do you think you can really take that ? " My pulse quickened and I felt a stirring in my loins . " Yes , dear . But you know I want to watch . " Marie walked over to the closet . " You see the slats in this door ? " It took me a few seconds to realize what she meant . " You can see out if you are in there , but no one can see in , " I said . " That 's right . " And with that she took a chair from the small desk in the room and placed it in the closet . " I 'm going to that fancy lounge downstairs . You wait here and don 't leave the room . I will call you , " she said , " Maybe . " at work , big black cocks , first times , slut wifeOk , here goes . I 've read these stories for some time now , so I decided to share my personal experience with everyone . First , I guess I should tell you a little about myself . I 'm 37 year old mother of 2 . I 'm about 5 ' 8 , blonde ( not naturally ) , I try to go to the gym a few times a week , so I have a really nice body I 'm told . About 2 years ago , I got implants , so know I 'm pretty curvy . I 'm 34C - 24 - 34 . I am married , but due to my husbands job , he is normally away from home for about 3 weeks at a time . This has been the arrangement for years , so I have usually been pretty used to it . I get to go out with my girlfriends whenever I want , even though I have only cheated on him a few times over the years . We live in the southeastern United States . Enough about me , I guess I should get on with my story . So , I work for in HR for a company , but our headquarters is in another state . It 's a pretty laid back job , not a lot of rules , so I really enjoy my job . Anyway , about 6 months before this encounter took place , I got a new manager , whom I had never met . Initially , all I really knew about him was that he was younger than I , around 28 . I 'm a natural flirt , so he & I had lots of flirty conversations on the phone , which led to us talking on the phone more often than needed & exchanging naughty e - mails . Jeff had a really sexy voice on the phone , & I 'll admit , sometimes , he got me really turned on . I sent him a few pics of me , but he never sent me any of him , although he told me what he looked like . Jeff told me he was tall , well built & handsome . As time went on , our talks got hotter & to be honest , all I could think about was fucking him . Eventually , he had to come visit our office , since he was a new manager , the days before he came , I could hardly wait . I told him that he better be ready when he got here . The day he arrived , I wore something very sexy , because I wanted him as hot to see me as I was to finally get my hands on him . I wore this black skirt that was r ( more … ) Big tits , cheating , fucking , slut wifeI had watched Claudia since she and Clint had moved next door . She was 5 ' 6 " weighted about 120 lbs . , had blonde hair down to her waist and it anything was a little top heavy . She always smiled , had this great walk about her , and wore the sexiest clothes . She had tow children while living there , breast fed both and her chest seem to get and stay bigger each time . Her breasts appeared to stay firm and erect . Often she would wear just a T - shirt , which always , couldn 't be tucked in . Her breasts just wouldn 't allow it . The neighborhood would have volley ball games and everyone wanted to be on the opposite teams , to be assured of good view of her bouncing , staying breasts . Me I liked to dive for the ball and catch my glimpses up her t - shrit when getting up . While we had a number of conversations , and I will be the first to admit I couldn 't keep my eyes off her chest . See knew I was looking . It didn 't seem to bother her . I was disappointed to find out her husband had gotten a transfer and they were going to Europe for three years . One afternoon , her husband was in Europe and it was about a week before he was do back and they were to move , the house had been sold , She was in the yard with kids . I had gotten home early and the wife was still working . I drove in the driveway and she said Hi . We chatted for awhile , she had the ever - famous T - shirt on . She said she had just made a pot of coffee and asked if I would like a cup . This would possibly be our last conversation so I said sure , " Just let me put my things inside . " I knocked on her kitchen door and she let me in . While , I had seen her nipples proud before they looked exceptionally large today . I caught myself staring and she did also . She asked me where her kids where , I told her they were playing out front . She poured our coffees and sat at the table . When she leaned forward her nipples would rub against the table . Her nipples , her breasts were just magnificent . She was well aware I was talking to her chest as we chatt ( more … ) at work , BDSM , blowjobs , cheating , domination , slut wifeI love reading these stories and always wanted to have an experience worthy of submitting . Before I get started let me introduce myself . My name is Kellie . I 'm 24 yrs old , 5 ' 5 ″ , 119 lbs , with a 34c - 24 - 34 build , and a firm round butt ( not too big ) , topped of with medium length , dirty blond hair . I have been married for 3 yrs to my husband of 31 yrs . David is 6 ' 00 " tall and fit , a hard worker and a good husband , who also has a cute butt . We had just moved to the panhandle of Florida where my husband had received a job offer at a much better salary than he had been making . I 'll omit telling the exact location in FL , and what his job was to maintain some privacy . Our marriage has been great so far and we are still energetic in the bedroom or wherever the mood happens to take us . We have talked about our likes and dislikes and fantasy 's , and we try things out whenever an opportunity presents itself . Some of the things we enjoy doing is having me flash if we 're out on the highway . Dave has even had me ride around in the passenger 's seat totally naked . He also enjoys it when I give him a blowjob when he 's driving . So overall he isn 't the jealous type . He also likes me to dress sexy when we go out , being sure to show my bouncy tits and nice ass . He thinks it 's kewl when guys turn and stare at me , and has even had some comment to him on how hot I look when we 're in clubs and they didn 't know he was with me . As a result Dave frequently lays out my outfits for me when we go out . He has never mentioned doing any swapping or anything , but he has hinted about me inviting a girlfriend over to try . As of yet we haven 't gone there , but it is a possibility . I wondered what he would think of another guy , but he 's too macho to try . As open - minded as Dave is I know that if I were ever unfaithful he would take it very seriously and probably want a divorce . He has told me enough stories about friend 's relationships for me to get an idea about how he ( more … ) at work , blowjobs , first times , PregnantDavid sat staring at his computer screen , trying to will the machine to complete the boot operation . The desktop showed up on the screen and he was just about to let out a whoop of triumph , when the screen turned that unmistakable bright blue and the machine shutdown . " Pig fucking piece of shit ! " he said , his hand sweeping out to destroy the carefully built stack of Mountain Dew cans . Outside his window the sky was black . How had that happened ? He let out an exasperated sigh and looked at his watch . It was already 9 : 30 at night ; he 'd been at this for 6 hours . With an exasperated sigh he began banging his head on the desk where the tower of cans had recently stood . " Um Dave , are you ok ? " asked a voice from the doorway . David looked up in surprise , not knowing anyone else was in the office . " Oh shit , Mae , " he said , " you scared the heck out of me ! I thought I was alone . " " Sorry , I had some work to do . " She looked down and then flashed a meek smile . " Look I can tell you 're not here at 9 : 30 because you enjoy the comfortable chair , so I know you must be having some major problem , but could you take a couple seconds and look at my system ? My screen just got all funky . " Dave sighed again , this was typical . Every time he had an issue , or some deadline to meet , some stupid user or another had some " emergency " they needed fixed . Usually it was a missing photo of their cat , a favorite non - work related web site that wouldn 't come up or a password they had forgotten for the umpteenth time . Things had been a lot easier around here before they had laid off the real IT techs and Dave had been christened the company 's " computer guy " , just because he knew how to boot his system up . Computers were a hobby for him , but he wasn 't qualified to run a help desk . Not to mention that he had his own work to do . Most of the issues people called him on were stupid shit , user induced problems that accompany unskilled users where ever they go . The dreaded ID10T error , h ( more … ) big black cocks , cheating , cuckold , first times , slut wifeBarb , I got a big promotion at the bank ! ! " I announced , as I entered the house . My beautiful wife of 17 years turned around from the stove of our spacious kitchen , and hurried over to hug me as I strode across the room . " Oh that 's wonderful darling . I am so proud of you ! You deserve it ! " she smiled her teeth perfectly white . She pressed her well - toned body into me as we embraced . My wife has a beautiful body ! Even after 2 kids , Barb 's voluptuous body has been kept in shape by her daily exercise at the women 's gym in town . Her legs , thighs , and bottom are that of a 30 year old . You would never guess she has two teenage children , or that she was 38 years old . She always dressed in attractive color - coordinated outfits . Her clothes were elegant but conservative . She did not even own a sleeveless shirt . Barb always wore her make - up , and she looked as though she visited the beauty solon seven days a week . She didn 't . She was just a naturally neat and elegant lady with a hair never out of place . As we hugged and laughed , I could feel her natural D - cup breasts press into my chest . With her neck high pressed blouses downplaying her figure , you would never guess she had firm , natural bosoms capped with ultra large and ultra sensitive nipples . As we finished our hug and parted , I could make out to Barb 's brown nipples through her white blouse . They had become suddenly erect from our spontaneous embrace . Her erect nipples were pressing against the material of her bra and blouse pointing right at me . If she had realized this , she would have quickly crossed her arms to cover up . My wife was very prim and proper , always changing clothes behind a closed and locked bathroom door . We made love only once every two months , and always with the lights off in the missionary position . She was passionate , yet always reserved during sex . She always seemed in control of herself . As my wife returned to preparing our dinner , I said to her , " Barb , honey I am going to cele ( more … ) |
June 6th , 2010 I played golf this morning with Ron , Joe , and Mitz . Ron and I were on one team . The team who got the best score on a hole won that hole . There were no hold - over holes , so you only earn one point per hole , if someone won it . Ron and I ended up winning by one or two . My drives were going great . I had several great chip shots as well . I only had one bad drive the whole day . I was only doing about seventy percent swings and it made all the difference in the world . I had a great round . We finished up around two and I went home and relaxed for a while . I was going to meet the guys at Zeppoz before this evening 's softball game . Cougar Country is playing Zeppoz . I went to Zeppoz about two hours before game time . I had some pop and chatted with everyone up there . We headed down to the City Playfields about thirty minutes before game time . We scored the first two innings holding them from scoring . But then they scored five to go up by two runs . They tacked one more here and there . We tacked a couple runs on . But we ended up losing by one run again . In games with the other two A - League teams we lost by one run . We just need a couple timely hits . January 1st , 2010 Jan - Mr . President - I wanted to be the class president . There were two possible candidates that most likely would have been voted for . Myself and one other guy who works in the jail right now . He also would have been a very fine pic . But it is something I want to do . The vote was held by Ross putting out the ballots . When the counting was done it was nearly unanimous . I am now the Ought - Eight Reserve class President . Feb - Final Mock Scenes - Today was going to be a long day . I was expecting to be done around three or four in the afternoon , but today was the day I was going to prove I could do the job , or I would prove I need more work , or that I am just not cut out for being a cop . I have spent sixteen hours a week for nearly the last five months Mar - First Day on Patrol - Following the swearing , Jimmy was doing a couple things at the SO before we left to hit the road . We went north on One - Ninety - Five looking for speeders . We pulled over one car , my first as a reserve deputy . I was the cover officer . I went to the car and the passenger was talking with me . The person was given a warning . Apr - My Latest Oil Change - I have lifetime powertrain and bumper - to - bumper warranties . It has a DVD player built into the radio . I have a rearview camera and backup sensors . It has the Hemi with MDS so it shuts down some of the cylinders when they are not needed to help save fuel . It seems to have some get - up and go . It feel great to drive it . Plus it has the newer traction control system so I feel better about driving it on the bad roadways . May - First Code Run - we got to the first address we needed to go to Endicott for a call to back up the others there . We were going code and just passed some cars on SR One - Ninety - Five . After we got past the Albion road a burglary in progress was put out in Albion . So I had to turn around and go back to Albion . So I went code past the cars I had just passed . Jun - Contract with MH Terminated - Since April of Ought - Four I have been working as a software engineer for NetUpdate and then I was moved to MostHome when they bought out NU . I worked with them until I got notice today that my contract was going be terminated . The application that I worked on since I started with NU was a mortgage application . That was then sold to a competitor a couple months ago . I told MH that I wanted to remain on with them . But as it turned out the project I was put on just got sold off . So they are cutting their ties with me . Jul - Second Class Reserve - I was told I was moved up to second class . They shook my hand and said they had great expectations for me . They all believe that I will do a fine job . That was great . Now , I just need to start to set up times to ride so I can work my way to first class . Aug - Final Shift as a PFD Temp - We got on scene in the ambulance and were made into the backup team . We went to the attic where the seat of the fire was . Eric , who was on his first day back , was on the nozzle and put the fire out . It was still pretty small , but growing . It was lucky that we got there when we did and that the fire was not in the wee hours of the morning when it could have really taken off . I ended up putting in an hour and a half of overtime . So my full - time tally was one year , one month , four days and one and a half hours . It has been a good run . Sept - Bushwood Golfs Again - I was hot on my short game . The problem is that we would use after we all hit a drive we would pick one . From that point each person hit his own ball to the hole . I didn 't do too poorly . I was able to keep up in score . In fact my putting made me lead some of the holes . I had some very nice putts including two there were around thirty footers for birdies . It felt great . Oct - IM Championship Bound - I hit the ball well , as did the team . Our defense was very good . We went on to win and go to the Semi - finals . We were playing a team that had been using an illegal bat . Once they were called on it , in the previous game , they couldn 't hardly score . It turned out we shut them out . We scored nine runs . We didn 't hit the ball as well as I would have hoped , but we won . Ryan said it best , this is the most worried I have felt in a shut out . We never had a big enough lead that put me at ease . Not until we scored the ninth run and the other team no longer had a chance to win because of the eight - run limit . Nov - Gay Firefighter - Then I was asked a question about how I feel I am treated being a gay in the fire department . I said since I have been outed to everyone I don 't feel that I have ever been treated poorly due to being gay . Chris let me know that he has known for years . He said that pretty much everyone on the fire department on the career side knows . He said there are probably only a couple people who don 't really know . He said that they probably have been told , but think that people are screwing with them . It is without a doubt that the information is told to everyone . I am not sure who actually tells the others but the information is freely available . But once again no one treats me differently . Dec - Search for Missing Hunter - I was teamed up with three young men . It turned out it was the son of the missing man and his friends . They wanted to put a member of the SO with each team going out searching . We were sent down the road a ways to start our search . The son was leading the way as he knew the area well . We made our way along some level ground . There was about four inches of new snow . It was covering rocks on the ground so we had to be careful where we stepped . This years review shows many things that were related to being a reserve Deputy . I guess that is the major thing that has happened to me over this last year . I am now a sworn reserve law enforcement officer . Many of the writings I had through out the year dealt with the class or going out to patrol . I also had an unusual suicide where I was able to trace the night leading up to the death of a young man . It was very unusual and probably affected me more than any other death I investigated . It didn 't make the list this year because the fact that I am a gay man who is a firefighter is something I am always thinking about . When it was finally brought up with some people I have never talked to about it before it was a big conversation to me . It was nice to hear his perspective . Ought - Nine was a good year overall . I had some frustrations at the fire department , but they were overall small in the grand scheme of life . I am jobless , but I do have a new contract where I will finally start to bring in some money again . It has been a year that I am happy with . September 26th , 2009 This afternoon I was playing golf with Ben and his Dad . Dustin , a friend of Ben 's was also playing . It was in the Turf Club tournament at the Palouse Ridge Golf Course . It was only my second time to play there . I showed up about two o ' clock meeting up with Ben , and Lewis , his Dad . Dustin was also there . I hit more than two - hundred and fifty practice balls . A little while after the practice we hit the course . I was in the cart with Dustin . He is a ten - six - seven . I was surprised to see that he is now married . He hits the ball pretty well . I wasn 't good on the drives . But we had to use three drives from each person . My drives were not always that great , but we picked ones that would not hurt the team to much . I was hot on my short game . The problem is that we would use after we all hit a drive we would pick one . From that point each person hit his own ball to the hole . I didn 't do too poorly . I was able to keep up in score . In fact my putting made me lead some of the holes . I had some very nice putts including two there were around thirty footers for birdies . It felt great . The wind was incredible . It was blowing pretty good all day . It kept everybody 's game in check . We had to battle the wind from every direction . Hanging out with Ben was so much fun . Ben is a super great guy . Always a very nice person , plus he is ten - six - seven . He is in great shape and plays gold very well . I wish he still lived around here because he is great in softball too . I could use him on my team . September 2nd , 2009 The evening I went golfing with my brother and one of his college buddies . It has been a little while since I last swung my clubs . I could tell because I was not getting any solid hits through out the night . Some of my normally good areas were pretty poor this evening . I wasn 't able to find anything that I was able to do well . I ended up getting par on the eighth hole , but that was pretty lucky . It was a par four and my hits were decent . I also sunk a fifteen foot putt to get the par . Other than that I shot a sixty - seven on nine . After golfing we went to dinner with the guys . They way it works is the loser pitches in the most money . The winner doesn 't have to pay anything . It cost me about forty bucks for the meal tonight . I got home and spent the rest of the evening watching TV and surfing the web . June 20th , 2009 I met up with Chuck , Chia , and Carter for an afternoon of golfing . The problem with our team is that I actually carried our team . I am not a great golfer , so for me to carry the team , you know we were in trouble from the get - go . We played eighteen holes . It took nearly six hours for the whole things . The first round we were waiting around a lot of people got bottled up . But on the turn we had a quick lunch and went back out to the course . The bottleneck wasn 't there and we were able to move along a lot more rapidly . Chuck and Carter were drinking , and all the beer was part of the fees so they drank a lot . Chia and I were not drinking . I had to work tonight so I had an excuse to not drink . When it was done I rushed to the SO . I got my uniform on and got a car ready to go out on patrol . Anderson and I were working together . He asked me what I needed to do to get to second class . I told him that I needed my FTO book signed off . He said I am ready for second class so he wanted to help me get there . We started by spending several hours going through my FTO book . I got almost the whole thing signed off . I only have a couple pages to go . That is great . We hit the road for several hours . We didn 't not get into too much . We made a couple traffic stops , but there was not a lot going on where we were . A fight in progress went out in Tekoa . We had three reserves working in town up there . Anderson and I started to head that way , but when the reserves got on scene there was no fight so we turned around and started to make our way back to the SO . September 2nd , 2008 I was going to do some golfing today , but it got cancelled , but Jon was taking the boys to a par three course in Kent . He invited me to come . Around noon I went shopping for a new golf bag . I wanted one that I could wear like a back back . I was able to find one that fit the bill . I picked that up . I also got some pointers on my swing while I was there . I cannot wait to try it out with my driver . I hope it cleans up my slice I have had . August 28th , 2008 I was thinking that there could be some golf tonight . Jim actually texted me while I was thinking about it . He said they were looking for another person . I told him that I would play . I drove into the office to start off . I was there long enough to get my computers hooked up and participate in a short phone call . I also was learning about the latest with the company and what was going to be happening with the possible sale . I left to get to Issaquah to meet up with Jim . I drove us to the Mt . Si golf course . It was my first time playing there . We were playing dots . I wasn 't doing great to start off with but I did some up with some redeeming shots . I wasn 't in last place in dots when we were done with the day , but I still owed money for dinner . We went to the Pour House . I got a burger and had some of the deep fried green beans . They were not that bad . I guess it shows when something is deep fried it makes it better . August 24th , 2008 We started by golfing this morning down in Colfax . There was a large group of people down there . The first nine everyone played on their own . Then in the second half we teamed up in to pairs . It was those teams they went on to challenge each other for the best score . The winners would split the pool . Each person put in five bucks to start . I was teamed with Ron because he had the second best score and I had the second worst score after the first nine holes . Team Ron and Scotty went on to tie the best score . Due to that we split with the other team . After the golfing we went to Pullman . I had Ron and Heather as well as CBass coming over for the FFL draft . I worked on getting Ron 's and my computer set up to use . I worked on making sure the house was looking okay and that I had quarters for the pop machine . When they came over we ordered some pizza and wings . I ended up drinking some beer with them tonight . I also had some hard - A . They were over for a couple hours doing the draft . I got Farve as my quarterback . That was good , because I wasn 't sure if someone else would try to steal him from me . August 19th , 2008 I was supposed to play golf today with someone , but the one guy I had scheduled ended up double booking himself and he couldn 't come . I called around and no one else was available . So it was just me . I went to the Palouse Ridge Golf Course . The weather wasn 't great . It was the soft opening . I got a golf cart and I was teamed up with another person to play the round . The guy I was with had played there already so he was able to help me out with the holes and how to play them . I lost several balls along the way . There are no fairways next to other fairways like at Colfax . So if you miss your fairway by a lot you very well may lose your ball . I lost balls on nine holes along the way . But I did find several along the way as I was looking for my ball . At the end of the round one of the workers asked how it was . I said it was good . I asked if they had a lost and found . He said yes , what did I lose . I said my ball and then I laughed . I joked about making a lost poster with a photo of my golf ball and I was going to see if they would post it . August 17th , 2008 After I got off work today I thought I would do some hitting at the driving range . I wanted to record my swing to see if I can find what is kicking my butt . I don 't know if I will be able to pick it up , but I figure this is a good time to see how my swing looks . After the driving range I went to the rec center . I ran and did some push - ups and sit - ups . I also made my way to Moscow to get some address labels for Rhonda . She wanted her Cougar logo with the address . I created one and then printing one page that I planned on showing her to see if it was to her liking . August 14th , 2008 This morning I got into the office to work on my computers to fix the problems that have been sent to me . I was also planning on meeting with Jon and the others for lunch at Three Pigs . While there I was asked to go golfing with Jim and his golfing buddies . After lunch Jon gave me his driver because he was having a hard time hitting with it . I was excited to get a chance to use it tonight . I didn 't do to hot on the golf course . We were going to be playing for money . I was hitting the ball right , like I seem to do all the time . I lost a number of balls as we were playing nine holes . But on one hole I put the ball past the green about thirty yards . I had trees between me and the green . I saw about half the green to the left of one tree . I was going to hit it there , then I saw an opening about four feet wide . I could see the pin . I decided to go for it . I used my pitching wedge . I hit it and it went between the trees . It hits a couple leaves along the way . It bounced once on the green . It hit the pin and fell into the cup . Jim screamed loud . He loved he shot . I didn 't know it went in after first . That was a great shot . We went out to dinner later on . All the money lost to the other people is put on the table and shared in food . It is just the winner doesn 't have to pay for dinner and drinks when it is done . July 12th , 2008 I started at pitcher and I wasn 't doing great . We were playing a coed B league team that was moved up into our league . I walked several people through out the first couple innings costing us runs . Finally I got Heston to pitch and the pitching problem went away . We started to get better at the plate and we started to get walked plus we were hitting the ball well . Sooner or later we finally took a lead . I stuck around until the latest possible time I could wait until I had to go home and get ready to golf . Matt found a guy named Travis to cover for him on the team because Matt was unable to play . I called him and we planned on riding together to Colfax . While the game was getting ready to start I got the lineup written and a couple umpired were roasting me in front of Heston and some others . I was laughing so hard . It was about my pitching . They said that Heston should never let me pitch . I took it very well . As a joke I took the mound as the game was getting ready to start and one of the umpire who roasted me was there . I looked at him and pretended that I wasn 't going to pitch because of what he said . It was pretty good . I went to home after that to get ready . I got my golf clubs and went to Dissmore 's . I got some water and picked up Travis . He is ten - six - seven . His complexion reminds me of BKoe . We finally got out on the course . I had Hansen and Pete playing with my team . We were not kicking butt , but we were holding our own . At the break we had some dinner and did the raffle . I won a couple prized including golf balls , a shirt , and a hat . On the second round we were using the glow balls . It was harder , but I started to do better because I wasn 't trying to crush the ball . Towards the end of the round Pete hit a ball and it looked like he crushed it , but we don 't know where the ball went because he hit the glow stick out of the ball . Hansen did that twice as well . We were laughing so hard . May 26th , 2008 I set the alarm clock to wake me up in the morning only to wake up on my own . I got myself ready for golf and drove to Colfax . I did some putting while waiting for the tee - off time . Joe , Ron , Heather , Jonathan , Dan , and Michele were all there . Once it was time to tee - off we had a group of seven golfers . We started our way around the course . I was doing okay overall . I shot way over my normal average , but I had some good drives . On the seventh hole I always have some issues with the small stream . I got up to it and only needed to chip over it . I hit a ball , it made it over the stream only to hit a tree and bounce back , landing in the water . Heather was laughing so hard . The second round was a lot better for me . I came close to getting a birdie on one hole . But I missed my putt by several inches . I did get one chip from the fringe that hit someone else 's ball sending mine in to the hole . After golfing we went to Ron and Heathers for dinner and poker . I was able to play one short tournament . I won twenty bucks in it . I went to the fire station where we did some learning on the new EMS computers . We also went over a couple things on Rescue with Chipper and Williams . After washing it we all went home . It was a quiet night until just after four in the morning . We got called to a dumpster fire . Rescue was on scene second and we helped put out the fire and do the overhaul . Loren was just getting home from the casino and was the RP on the fire . May 17th , 2008 Brandon came to the camp site and I got to see him for the first time a while . He got his uniform from Kelly and went to put it on . The team went to do some warm up hitting . I didn 't do so hot there . Brandon was crushing the ball as normal for him . Then it was off to the fields . I had water with me but I would soon find that it was getting hotter and hotter . I was trying to stay hydrated but it was hard to keep up . I could tell I was dehydrated . So I drank more water through out the day . The first two games were losses . But we were not playing super poorly . Our hitting in the first game was horrible however , we didn 't get but about two runners on base in the first three innings . Then we finally started to hit . We lost but a couple runs . It was almost the same thing for our second game . After those games we played a team that was not doing well at all . We really crushed them . Our hitting was better that game as well . I didn 't do great in that game , but I did have good hitting in the second game . After the games Brandon gave me a ride back to my motorhome . I turned on the air conditioner and tried to cool down and hydrate some more . Kelly was planning on going golfing . I was going to skip out on that , but I decided to go . Geo and Andy came along . Andy and I were in one cart with Kelly and Geo in another cart . Kelly and Geo were good , Andy and I sucked . I shot my normal rate of double and triple bogie 's on most holes . We played until around seven - thirty . On the way back I bought a couple gallons of water and some Gatorade . I got back to the motorhome and worked on getting the stats put into the computer . I had some dinner and then went to the main camp . We hung out and talked about many things as normal . It was just time to sit around and laugh and have a good time . I was neat to see Brandon again . We use to be neighbors in Stephenson . That was more than a decade ago . He was only eighteen when we met . Now he is thirty . He looks older of course . He is still very athletic like he was when we met . August 4th , 2007 This morning was Joe 's golfing game . It is always an early tee time . I always get there just before the actual tee off time . Today was no different . I spent the normal amount of time hitting trees . In fact I won the award for the most trees hit . After the golfing I went to Colfax Fire . I hung out for a couple hours . Eric and Rick were there . We watched Rocky . But as the day was going it was very quiet . I had been needing to do some shopping for a while . I finally got off my duff and made my way to Safeway for a shopping trip . Starting out this morning with golf was fun . I was running late getting down to Colfax . I was pulling into the parking lot as the group was heading out to the first tee . But we had two groups and I was able to get part of the second group . I was playing with Carl , Brian , and Diane . My first tee off was very nice . But the day was about normal for my kind of golf . I got a one - thirteen on the eighteen holes . I actually did worse my second time through . I won a prize for hitting the most trees during my round . I didn 't realize how many times I hit trees , but I counted and I hit about seven per round . That is nearly one per hole on average . After the golfing it was off to Colfax Fire . I hung out with Ken for a while watching some TV and having lunch . We were watching Mythbusters . Around four I had to leave to get back to Pullman to be on call here . I told Ken that I was done keeping it quiet for him . I was going to be heading out . When I got home I heard Colfax get dispatched out to a car vs motorcycle accident . That had to have been dispatched shortly after I left . I really was keeping it quiet . I got cleaned up and went to the station for rig checks . We were talking about Rescue and being a driver . A . Wilcox asked if he could ever go on the ambulance and not be the drive all the time . I told him that because of the fact he doesn 't have all the Rescue training he shouldn 't be the driver at all . We then went out and did some training at the tower with setting up the rig , putting water on the fire , doing pump and roll attacks and other such scenarios . We did a good two hours of training . Afterwards Bien bought the ice cream he owed for getting into the newspaper . We went to Dissmores to get that . Back at the station we had some cake and ice cream . I went to Peter 's afterwards for poker . I was not doing too well . I had one big win , then I had a big loss where I tried to push someone off a hand when mine was weaker . But he did not get off his hand and ended up beating me . I re - bought a couple times . I was sort of up and down on my third buy - in . When the tones went off for a call . I quickly went all - in and Kevin called me . I ended up winning that all in and left . I was only down two bucks on the night after that point . I had the best hand after the flop and took it to the river as the winner . I went on the call followed by a second call just as the movie Desperado was starting . I was hoping to watch to the scene where the bar is shot up . But I got called out to a second call at the very beginning of the movie . That was it for calls . I went to bed around three in the morning . June 23rd , 2007 I started out this morning waking up without an alarm clock . I forgot to set it before going to bed . I was supposed to be in Colfax at eight o ' clock AM to have breakfast with Jim and Jerrid . I got up a quarter of eight . So I had to hustle . I got to Well 's in Colfax around eight - fifteen . I had breakfast with the other guys . Carl happened to be at the booth next to us when I got there . Today we are playing softball and golf . After breakfast it was off to Steptoe for the softball game . It was Colfax fire against Steptoe fire . On the way there I was just outside of Colfax going up Buck Canyon . I saw a truck pulling over to the shoulder , then it kept going off the road into the ditch . All of a sudden the driver corrected and was coming back on the highway aimed straight at my truck . We were on a collision course . I hit my brakes and moved over a little bit . I was getting prepared for the collision . I was not sure where my truck was going to get hit , but I was very scared . Then the driver re - corrected his path and started to spin out , He did a one - eighty . He was facing the wrong way going across his original lane of travel . Then he hit the soft shoulder and his truck rolled . I pulled over and grabbed my radio . I was shaking pretty bad . I got out and the man in the car behind me said he thought I was going to get hit . I said " so did I " . I got ahold of Whitcom on the radio to let them know what I was out on . Jim and Jerrid were behind me and did not see the accident happen . They stopped as well . I walked across the highway to the truck . The man was already out and getting things from his truck . It landed on its wheels and he was okay . He said he had fallen asleep . Once Colfax Police got on scene I cleared and we continued to Steptoe . The game had just started . We were on offense . Our hitters were not able to hit the ball very well , and the other teams ' pitcher could not get the ball across the plate . But we swung anyway . I did not hit the ball well at all . One time I did get patient and ended up walking . On defense I played right field most of the game and I played at first base for two innings . We ended up losing to Steptoe . After the game Jerrid , Jim , and I stuck around and hit the ball around . We were hitting the ball well at that time . Ralph asked why we couldn 't hit like that during the game . After we hit around for a while we went to the Steptoe fire station for a community barbecue . Jim and I were sitting inside the office area of the fire station when a mom with a six year old came in and said he got a couple slivers . Jim got an alcohol pad and a needle so we could help the kid . He was whimpering about the slivers . I used the alcohol pad to clean the hand , and then pulled out the needle . the kid wanted to see it before I used it . I handed it to him with the cap still on . He pulled it out the cap and tried to recap it when he missed the cap and hit his finger with the needle . He screamed bloody - murder and cried like crazy . Then he would not go near me so I could clean the blood . It was pretty much a finger prick like when someone does a blood sugar check . It was nothing major , but he was going to have nothing to do with me after that . His mom took him to the bathroom to clean the blood . The food was getting served so Jim and I got in line for the food and sat down with Jeff and Ralph . We ate and talked about fire department stuff for a while . This was also the day the big ball was going to get rolled down Steptoe Butte . We were planning on going to watch that . I went to get some gas . When I got back I found they were not going to go do that for a couple more hours . Jim and I decided to just go back to Colfax . I dropped Jim off at home and then I went to the jail . I went to the Coroners office to drop off my case report from the death yesterday and then went to control and hung out until just after four o ' clock . I updated a couple forms we use . The incident and infraction report has a margin on the left side that when it gets holes punched into it , the words are punched out . So I got that fixed by making the margin wider . I went to Rosauers on the way to the golf course to get some pop and water . I went to the golf course and practiced some golf putting . I put on my new golf shoes and went into the clubhouse to pay for the tournament stop . We got golf carts which was nice to have because I did not want to have to walk the whole course . We played a shotgun start , best ball tournament . We started on hole number six . We played nine holes and then went to the clubhouse for dinner . Once all the teams were back we ate and held the raffle for a lot of items that were donated . The golf tournament is put on by the Colfax police department for raising money for the Special Olympics . After dinner and the raffle we went back out for the second round . We played with glow balls and had glow sticks on the flags and markers around the course . It was my first time playing in a glow ball tournament . It was fun to do . We had to watch the ball go because it was harder to see the ball when it went into the grass . I ended up losing one ball on the ninth hole , hitting it onto the road way . I had to use a second ball for the next five holes . I was doing very well today on my drives because I was not trying to crush the ball . In fact if I tried to over swing my ankle would hurt , so I had to ease back and that made a big difference in my game . When I was done on the golf course it was almost eleven - thirty . I went to Pullman and waited until just after midnight for a poker game at Peter 's . We started playing near one in the morning . We played until four in the morning . I did very bad . I was calling on a lot of things and ended up losing about twenty bucks . That sucked , but it was a good day over all . October 22nd , 2006 I was very tired this morning when I got up for the Golf Tournament in Colfax . I was playing with Ben , Ashton , and Ben 's Dad , Louis . We had carts for the rounds today so that made it very nice . We teed off in this eighteen - hole , best - ball , scramble tournament . Ben was one of the organizers . We did not show very well . I had a very good time hanging out with Ben and the others . I had a couple good shots , but more or less my day was ugly . Upon completing the golf I went home and went to sleep for a couple hours . I had to get up for dodgeball . I made my way to Smith Gym . We played and actually won a game again . We are getting better . But in the end we lost . I went back home quickly and went to bed because I have to get up early in the morning to get back to Seattle . March 8th , 2006 Again we got up early to go play golf . Today we were playing at the third oldest golf course in Arizona . It was cold and my back started to hurt so I only played the first fourteen holes or so . Then rest of the time I drove the cart . Early on when I was playing I lost several balls in the water . I seemed to always be able to find the water . After golf it was off to more baseball games . The weather was getting warmer . I was feeling really bad and I started to feel really sick after a while . So I walked around for a while and stayed in the shade . The Mariners lost again . We had some time before the evening game against the Japan National Team . Ichiro is playing for it . It was weird to see him play against the M 's . I stayed in the car and slept for most of the time between the game . Finally it was close to game time and the others who were at Hooters came and got me . We went to our seats . Dan Wilson was in the dugout for the game . It was neat to see him . The M 's lost that game . They were in it for early on . Then Japan took a big lead . Only for the M 's to come within one in the last inning . But they could not do it . March 7th , 2006 Today was a long day starting out by getting up early to go golfing . It was my first time out since playing in Pullman last fall . We rented carts which was nice . We played eighteen holes . It cost about fifty bucks for the green fees and the cart . A lot more than I am use to paying at Pullman . I did okay . I shot my normal one - thirty - ish on the holes . I liked the course . Jon , Jim , and Terry did some skins and other bets on the course . I stayed away from the betting . I would have won one hole with my par . But for the most part I cannot keep up with them very well . After golfing we had to hurry to get to the baseball game . It was being played at a different park . We had been in the sun all day yesterday and today . Jon was starting to get sunburnt pretty good . Jon is really red You can get really close seats at Spring Training . We got to see a lot of the Mariners players . It is a pretty neat experience . Everyone is very laid back . We were always sitting close to the field . Close enough to hear the umpires and players speak . Very strange in deed . The Mariners lost again . It is becoming a pattern this spring training . But it is fun to be there all the same . I found number Sixty - Five , Rob Johnson , is a ten - six - seven . At least that what I can see from the stands . March 6th , 2006 It was weird to not go to work today . I was up early and I got ready to go to the airport . We are playing to Arizona for Spring Training for the next four day . Jon and I went from my place to get Jim then terry . Both live in the highlands . We got to SeaTac and waited for the flight . It was not too bad of a flight down . When we got to Arizona Terry and I went to get the rental car . Jon and Jim got the luggage . We were running late and went straight to the stadium for the baseball games . We pulled into the stadium as they opened the parking for anyone to take . So we parked for free and we were in the front spot . It was nice . We got to our seats . The Mariners actually won this game . It was fun to see them win one . You could see all the young guys who were trying to make the team as they ran back and forth around the infield area . There were a lot of ten - six - sevens . I wish I could have taken a lot more photos . I want to get a press pass should I go back . I need to work with KZUU about getting me one . After the game we went out on the town . We drove to a casino and everyone played table games . I only watched . I was not going to play . I was watching at one table . There was a ten - six - seven . I could not get enough . I just stayed there for ever . Then we went to a strip club . It was not my idea , but I was the designated driver for the whole thing . So I had to drive everyone there . I was trying to stay entertained as well as I could until my brother bought me a lap dance . Wow . That is not my cup of tea on so many levels . The girl was nice and we were able to talk and I felt sort of normal . My brother was laughing . We headed back and got to bed around three in the morning . We have to be up around seven . I am going to be tired tomorrow I would guess . April 30th , 2005 When my alarm clock was sounding I started to get up . I was tired , but I had to get to Pullman to go golfing with Ben . Ryan and Jen also were with us . On the first hole I teed off and hit the ball really high and about twenty feet down the green . Not a good start , but I always seem to do poorly on the first hole . My next shot flew into a tree . We did not see it bounce out . It was stuck in the tree somewhere . I could not find it and ended up dropping a ball . I got an eleven on the first hole . It did not get better after that . I was having a hard time keeping the ball doing what I wanted . A few holes I had a good drive . A couple times I was on the green in three and needed fifteen or twenty foot putts for par . I would usually three putt . On one hole I spent three shots on the fairway of another hole . Finally losing my ball around the teebox . I had to do a drop , and with the bad hits , it still took me three shots to get the ball to the green which was only forty feet away . After we were done golfing I went to Zeppoz and no one was there to play poker . It was before the opened . So I stopped by the fire station . I talked to Michael and Brian . Chuck was there and said John was going to stop by . Chuck got called to do a transfer . John came down and we played Halo Two . I was getting my butt kicked . I had never played before . After we played for about an hour or so we played cribbage . I lost at that . John had to get going , so we dealt a couple hands of Texas Hold ' em . Then we both left . I went back to Colfax and watched some TV . Around dinner time I went to Subway and brought it back to the jail . I hung out in control and operated the doors while Dale and Curtis did rounds and a booking . Then I got a phone call from Pullman Regional Hospital . A person had died . After getting some information , I confirmed with Pete we wanted to take jurisdiction . The call came in about seven o ' clock pm . I was planning on going to bed at eight because I needed to be up at four am . So I figured that plan was shot . I drove to Pullman and went to the hospital . Kimballs funeral home was there as well . I had called for them to meet me . I spoke with the family and with one of the people in on the operation . Kimball 's took the body back to the funeral home while I gathered everything I needed to from the hospital . I went to the funeral home and did my body exam there and well as photographing the body . There was a question that we wanted to do an autopsy . So we put the body in refrigeration . Then I headed back to Colfax to get the report completed . I spoke with Pete a few times about everything I had . He asked me to call the hospital and put a hold on the blood draws . I called the hospital and had them do that . I went to the SO and printed the pictures out as well as wrote up my report . Because I was going to be gone I wanted to get everything done . Dale came downstairs and we talked a little bit about car accidents and people who died in them . By the time the report was done and turned in , I would not get much sleep , so I headed back to Renton . I filled my truck and hit the road . I was doing fine for a while , but I planned on stopping at a rest area along the way to nap . I got to the one on top of Vantage hill and I was able to press on . But when I got to the one outside of Cle Elum I decided to stop . I went to the bathroom and then took a hour long nap . I woke up and hit the road again . I got home and went upstairs and went to bed at six - thirty am . I set the alarm clock for eight am . I was in for a long sleep . NOT ! April 9th , 2005 This morning started off with meeting Ben at the Colfax Golf course for a golf tournament . It is a scramble and I am playing on Ben 's team . I am not that good and he is really good , so I am surprised he asked me to play . I feel bad for the other guys on the team . I hope that I do not hold them back . Ryan from the softball team and a guy named Mike were the teammates . We started on the sixth hole . The problem is that we had to use four drives from each person on the eighteen holes . I don 't have a great drive so I was hoping to do well on the short holes so the team would not be handicapped by my short drives . We used one of my drives on the first eleven holes . So on the final seven we had to use three of mine . I was worried about it . But it turned out I had two great drives in a row . I had a two - hundred and twenty - five yard drive followed by a two - hundred - fifteen yard drive . On one short Par four Ben drive to the green in one . We were about twenty feet or so out . I took the first put and sank it for the Eagle ! I was really happy about that . We ended with a four under and ended up in fifth place . Last time Ben 's team took first place . But I don 't think I really handicapped the team that much at all . We won some prizes . I got a three pack of golf balls . Colfax Police Officer Nebe and the Steer While we were on the course around the second hole I looked over and a steer was running on the course . Ben got some pics . It was running around and Bryce from Colfax PD tried to get it back to the slaughter house . The steer had nothing to do with that and ran across the course and across a green leaving hoof prints all the way across it . When we got to the seventh hole we heard a gunshot come from the neighborhood to the South . A tiny bit later we saw the steer run back really close to the ninth hole that we were on . It was bleeding and pretty mad at that time . It ran past the ball that Mike drove on the ninth hole and got some blood on the ball . I went home and grabbed my computer and stuff for the football game . I called Ryan twice and left messages . He never answered his phone nor returned my messages . I am disappointed that Ryan is not willing to help me when I need him . I made my way to the Kibbie Dome . After the eighteen holes of golf my ankle was really sore . I was hobbling everywhere . I got my computer set up and got the final touches on the teams ' roster text files . I got the script for the game . I was going to have to do it on my own today again . But I am hoping with my FootballPA application that I will be able to do it . Brian 's , the teams ' PR guy , brother was going to ask his girlfriend to marry her at half time . We set up a screen to read out " Lisa , will you marry me ? " At half time I made an announcement that there was a special message on the screen . I never heard what the answer was because Brian 's brother never showed back up to the stats booth where he did stats . So I am not sure if things went well . I am sort of thinking they did not go well . I was able , with the help of the FootballPA do the game by myself . For the most part I was able to keep up with things and did a good job I believe . I made notes of things I would like to change about it to make it easier to use for the next time . After the game I got some dinner and drove to Colfax . I dropped some stuff off at the coroner 's office and then went to control and talked to the guys up there for a tiny bit . I was tired so I went home and watched some TV before falling asleep . March 12th , 2005 I got a call from Ben to start out my morning . We planning on meeting up and doing a short golf lesson and hitting the a bucket of balls . I met Ben at the golf course I paid my fees and bought a bucket of balls . I pulled out the seven iron and he started by telling me a lot of things about stance , holding the club , and the swing . After getting through the bucket of balls my back was really hurting , but I was ready to get going . Ben 's friend showed up and we started with our three - some . After the first hole there was a solo golfer behind us . We invited that guy to join us . He did so for the rest of the way we had a four - some . I was not having the best of days but I was holding my own . Ben would give me some instruction on the course when certain situations came up . He taught me how to get out of a sandtrap . After we were done with the round of golf Ben and I decided to go to the WSU baseball game that was underway . We went inside and saw Mark from our softball team . We sat behind home plate a few rows back . The score was seven to zero in the first inning . The Cougs were doing well . But while we were there we only saw good pitching , with no offense to speak of . Towards the middle of the game Ben asked if I wanted to go to his place and get something to eat real fast then come back . So we drove to Ben 's and I had a beer and a TV dinner . We started to watch some of the Best of Will Ferrell . As we got into it Ben said we would go back to the game at three pm . So we left and walked back into the stadium . We got our seat . Started to get into the game . A guy from the other team hit into a double play and the game was over . We sort of laughed about the fact we came back for one more play . We went back to Ben 's apartment . We were going to watch a couple movies . When I got there he had the idea to hit the softball for a while . So we went to the playfields and hit the ball about thirty times each . Then we went back to Ben 's apartment . We watched Caddyshack and Anchorman . I had never seen either of those movies . I was laughing so hard during them . Ben made a couple bags of popcorn . I could not believe how funny those movies were . I talked to Ryan and we decided to go to dinner at Applebee 's in Moscow . So Ben and I rushed over there . We sat down and ate . JT was our waiter . He gave us all free pop . That was nice of him . After we finished eating we decided to hit the bars in Pullman . Ryan was the one who really wanted to go . So Ben got his car and drove us to My Office . We got on the trivia and I had one more beer . We played trivia until about two in the morning . Ben offered me a place to stay for the night , but I decided to head back to Colfax and sleep there . Today was a blast . I have not had a day like this for a while . Just being busy doing fun stuff , one thing after another . And on top of that getting a chance to hang out with Ben so long without other people around . It was just a wonderful day . Around noon a group of us went to lunch . We got some subs and I was given a coupon for a free sub and pop . So lunch did not cost me a thing . That was nice . Free lunches … nice ! I stuck around until about two o ' clock pm . Then I hit the road . My cell phone was totally dead and I could not find the charger when I left my house . I was hoping it would be at my house in Colfax . While I was looking for it before leaving to go to work this morning I found the golf clubs that Jon gave me a while back . So I took those to Colfax with me . When I got in I went to my house and put my golf clubs in my golf bag . Then I called Whitcom and let them know I would be on and available via radio only . I let them know my cell phone was dead and being charged . I put the phone on the charger and drove down the fire station . I hung out there for a while and talked to Carl , Tim , and Ken . Tim and Ken left on a call and I chatted with Carl a little more . Around eight o ' clock I went home and got my cell phone and then headed to Pullman . Ryan and I were going to watch Third Watch and go to see Hostage . I also talked to Ben about golfing tomorrow . We are planning on meeting up around ten am . I called Phil , Ron , and Mark about golfing with us . None of them were able to go . I got to Pullman and grabbed a pizza from Little Caesars . I went to Ryans . We ate the pizza and watched some TV . Then we went to see the movie . It was pretty good . The ending was lacking for me . Some loose ends did not seem like they were tied up for me . Some movies have been doing the recently and I don 't like that . But over all the movie was pretty good . |
Things only got worse from there . Somehow , he found himself mistaken for the non - existent Mr . Maxwell and whisked into the delivery room to help young Jeremy into the world . He even found himself caring about the baby - not to mention Katie herself . It took Collin and me ten years to write Chasing the Wind . The idea was conceived in spring 1998 and the book was originally published in May 2008 . In between , there were multiple changes , revisions and rewrites , until the finished book bore little resemblance to the early drafts . It was frustrating at times , but I 'm happy with it . One of the cuts that were necessary involved the storyline of two characters , Alex Stewart and Robyn Cantwell . I loved the characters and decided the sequel , An Army of Angels , would focus on them … but it didn 't take long to discover that I hadn 't really thought it out . As secondary characters , they worked … but was there enough for a standalone novel ? I 've been wrestling with that problem since 2008 . I knew how their story started , I knew how it would end , but I didn 't know how they would get from A to Z . I didn 't want to give up , but I just couldn 't figure it out . I 've shelved it at least half a dozen times . I even considered turning it into a romantic comedy after plotting a series of comedies featuring Robyn 's five brothers . I 've wanted to write shorter novels ever since I discovered James Patterson 's Book Shots . If you 're not familiar with them , they 're novels that average 150 pages , fast - paced , perfect for readers like myself with chronically short attention spans . I realized that the format would be ideal for continuing the story Collin and I started in Chasing the Wind . It would be the perfect way to move back and forth through all of the characters ' stories and still stick to the timeline . I didn 't even want to go to the bloody lecture . Sarah wouldn 't let it go . I realised she wasn 't going to give up . It was really quite odd , because Sarah and I have never been close . Why she wanted me with her that night remained a mystery for months to follow . When Lynne told me of her difficulty in obtaining funding for her dig in Egypt , I saw an opportunity . I had made plans to fly to Cape Town the next day , to lie low the until the furor subsided . This , however , was a much better option . No one would be looking for me on an archaeological excavation . I would be living in the middle of nowhere with a woman I found quite appealing . It had definite possibilities . Edward wasn 't going to be an easy sell , but he understood the urgency of the situation . I couldn 't stay in London . If I did , I could well end up in prison . What we had done was illegal . If the Foundation provided Lynne 's funding , it would all be perfectly legal and no one would be the wiser . It would not be connected to me . And if I got it on with the lady while in exile , all the better . I wasn 't even supposed to be in London . I 'm an archaeologist specializing in Biblical archaeology . I 'd been working on a dig in Egypt , searching for proof of the Exodus . Yes , that Exodus . My partners and I had been there for a while , almost three years . The money was running out , and we hadn 't been able to secure further funding . A colleague who had been slated to give a series of lectures in London was injured at his dig site and was unable to fulfill his obligations in Britain , so he asked me to take his place . That might not seem odd to you , but this guy was someone I 'd always been at odds with professionally . Why me ? I wondered . Why had he asked me , rather than someone with whom he actually got along ? I didn 't question it too closely , though . I figured a couple of weeks in London would give me a chance to take one last shot at finding the funding we needed to keep going . It was my last chance . I 'll never forget that night . I walked into the lecture hall , and he stood out like Chris Rock at a Klan rally . He was wearing worn jeans and a leather biker jacket . He was of average height , with light brown hair that was almost blond , and blue eyes that , well … . He looked a lot like Ewan McGregor . We talked briefly . When I told him of my funding dilemma , he suggested he might be able to help . I didn 't take him seriously , but he was so compelling - all right , I confess . When he asked me to have dinner with him , I didn 't want to refuse … . Share this : TwitterFacebookGoogleLinkedInEmailLike this : Like Loading . . . 4 Comments Today 's excerpt is from Chasing the Wind , my favorite of my works . It took Collin and me ten years to write and revise , during the worst period of our lives , but we stuck with it - even when agents and publishers who wanted to work with us insisted we had to turn it into something I didn 't want it to be in order to sell it . Early on , it was a screenplay . I finally realized we would have to self - publish it in order to make it the story I really wanted to write , so in 2008 , that 's what we did . Then a few years later , I told Collin we had to rewrite it , switching from third - person point - of - view to multiple first - person POVs . We did , and it was re - published by Creativia . The ebook edition is available via Amazon at a special promotional price - $ . 99 - now through Wednesday ! Her husband wasn 't in much better shape . He could barely talk , struggling to answer my questions in fragmented sentences . Their six - year - old daughter had been abducted from their backyard . There were no witnesses , and an exhaustive search of the neighborhood turned up nothing . He looked over his shoulder at his inconsolable wife , being tended by a neighbor . " She 's always been an overprotective mother , " he said , lowering his voice . " Mandy 's our miracle baby . " " How so ? " I asked , taking notes . In the years I 'd been with the FBI , I 'd found child abduction cases to be the biggest test of my objectivity . If somebody took my kid , I 'd probably hunt them down and kill them . Kidnappers and pedophiles should always be turned over to the parents . The courts might let them go . But you didn 't hear that from me . He shook his head . " No , no , " he said . " She 's ours . We went to a fertility clinic when we couldn 't conceive . It took everything we had , all of our savings , but Mandy 's worth it . " The man was at first puzzled , then angry . " What kind of question is that ? " he asked . " What has it to do with Mandy being missing ? " The man shook his head . " No , " he said . " Mandy 's ours , one hundred percent . She was conceived by in vitro , but we used our own … you know . " " We 're her parents , no one else , " the man insisted . His face reflected his deep fear for his child 's safety . " Please bring our baby home . Please . " A six - year - old boy had been abducted outside a prestigious Seattle school for gifted children . No one saw it happen , even though there were several children in the schoolyard , being picked up by their own parents . Everyone was being questioned . " I don 't understand ! " The emotional outburst came from the child 's mother . " You were responsible for him ! You were supposed to be watching him ! " Charlotte Wyndham turned to the window , hugging herself tightly as if trying to shield herself from the chill of fear that consumed her . Tears streamed down her cheeks . She said her husband was in Paris on business . He 'd booked a flight as soon as she called him , but he could not be there before the next morning . " We only had each other , until Noah was born , " she said . " Neither of us have any other family , and we both wanted children . When we couldn 't get pregnant on our own , we sought out the experts . It took us three years and thousands of dollars to have Noah , but he 's worth every penny . If anything happens to him … . " * * * The woman 's body was found in her car , parked in the driveway outside her Florida home . She was still in the driver 's seat , her seatbelt still in place . She 'd been shot in the head at close range . Her five - year - old son was missing , presumably taken from his car seat . We questioned her husband at length . He was frustrated by the endless probing . " My wife is dead , my child is missing . Why are you wasting time questioning me ? " he demanded . " She had no enemies , " he said irritably . " None . She got along with everybody . I always envied that about her . She was the peacemaker . I was the loose cannon . " I should probably explain . I 'm a field archaeologist . Home is wherever I happen to be excavating - at that time , " home " was Egypt . The only people I see on a daily basis are the members of my team . Restaurants , theaters , shopping - all are rare luxuries . My wardrobe is simple and functional , much like everything else in my life . As I looked at the royal blue tunic I 'd planned to wear that night , I realized I hadn 't worn it in months . It didn 't fit my normal lifestyle . Too feminine for a dig . Thinking about it , I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd made the effort to be feminine , to actually look like a woman . I couldn 't remember the last time I 'd felt like a woman , the last time I 'd wanted to feel like a woman . Feeling and acting like a woman always seemed to get me into trouble . I had discovered long ago that I got on better with people who 'd been dead for a thousand years than I did with the living . I 'm not one to spend a lot of time worrying about my looks . For what ? I 've been divorced over a decade and can 't remember the last time I was on a date . I turned forty that summer , but on the good days , I could still pass for thirty . I had fine lines around my eyes - " archaeologist 's squint , " an occupational hazard more than a sign of aging . I haven 't changed my hairstyle since college - it 's long , dark and threaded with strands of copper from being out in the sun all day , every day . I know I don 't look my age . But there are times I feel it acutely . I got good genes from my parents . Genes that I haven 't been able to pass on to any children of my own . The thought of the children I 'd never have and the family I hadn 't seen in a year brought a wave of unexpected sadness I couldn 't shake . It was Thanksgiving in the States . How many years had it been since I 'd gone home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday ? I told my parents I was too busy , but the truth was that it was too painful to see my three sisters with their children . Seeing what I 'd been missing . I always believed this was the path God had chosen for me . I could never have been satisfied with the life my sisters led back in Missouri . Taking the easy route had never been my style . We all have a purpose . I believed without doubt that mine was to find evidence that would prove the events described in the Bible had actually happened . As for why I was in London , I hadn 't planned on being here . Three weeks before , I 'd been minding my own business , working on my dig in Egypt when that call came , asking me to do a series of lectures in London , to replace a colleague who 'd been injured in an earthquake in China . The request surprised the hell out of me , since it came from someone I not only didn 't know well personally , but had been at odds with professionally . What was it Dr . McCallum had called me ? Too much of a dreamer to ever be a serious archaeologist . Whatever the reason , I wasn 't about to debate the merits of his request . It had been so long since I 'd taken any time off from my work , for any reason … and as much as I loved it , I 'd been feeling the need for a break for a long time now . It was a feeling I 'd never had before , one I was at a loss to explain , even to myself . Work had been my whole life for … how long ? Ever since the divorce . I was giving serious consideration to adopting a child , maybe two . Not babies . Older kids . Kids who could live the way I live and actually enjoy it . There are lots of kids in the world needing parents . It doesn 't matter if I give birth to my kids or not . Being in London would hopefully also provide me with an opportunity to seek the funding I needed to continue the dig . Time was running out and I 'd already been rejected by the three private foundations that had funded my previous digs . God , I need a miracle , I silently prayed . That 's what it 's going to take if I 'm to continue my work - Your work . I saw him enter the crowded lecture hall . He was hard to miss . He looked so out of place in the sea of conservatively dressed attendees - but it didn 't seem to bother him . He wore faded jeans and a beat - up black leather jacket . He was with a young woman , a petite brunette who looked as aristocratic as he was scruffy . His light brown hair was in desperate need of a comb . His boredom was evident in his body language , the way he shoved his hands down into the pockets of his jacket . I decided I 'd lost my audience before I even got to the podium . " No difference , " he said with an offhanded shrug . " Frumpy , gray hair in a schoolmarm 's bun , sensible shoes , no doubt . " He looked at his watch . " I 'm going to need a pint - or two - to get me through this evening . I 'll be back . Eventually . " He turned to leave the lecture hall and we were face - to - face . He smiled , and his whole face seemed transformed by it . His eyes , blue and intense , instantly softened . " Hello , " he said in a low voice . He extended his hand to me . " Connor Mackenzie , " he introduced himself . His Scottish brogue was unmistakable . I noticed that he didn 't introduce his date . " Don 't be . " I smiled . " I get it all the time . " It was the truth . People are always surprised when they discover I 'm an archaeologist . They always expect us to look and act like Indiana Jones . I do have the hat and the leather jacket , but no bullwhip . I used to wish I 'd had one when I was still married . My ex could have benefited from a good whipping . I could feel my cheeks flush . I couldn 't remember the last time a man had made me blush . Maybe my ex - husband , but that was another lifetime - one I preferred not to remember . " Good save , " I said , a bit unnerved by the intensity of his stare . I shook my head . " The tablets were taken to Israel in the Ark of the Covenant , " I explained . " They were still in the Ark when it disappeared from Solomon 's Temple in Jerusalem . It 's been rumored that the Ark 's now somewhere in Ethiopia , but no one 's been able to prove it . Much as I would love to be the one to find the Ark , we don 't expect to find it in Egypt . We are searching for evidence of the Exodus in general . " " We do . " I drew in a deep breath , thinking of the equipment I still needed to continue my work . " Unfortunately , it hasn 't helped in this case . We haven 't found anything significant yet . This has turned out to be a long - term project , which means it 's been costly . My funding 's been cut off , and other sources I 've used in the past have already turned me down . I have to find a new source of funding ASAP . Time is running out , if I 'm going to continue my field work . " Why was I dumping this on him ? I glanced toward his female companion , who was watching us intently . " I think your girlfriend 's getting the wrong idea . " I shook my head . " I 'm beat . I thought I 'd just get some Chinese takeout after I 'm finished here and call it a night . " He laughed . " A rare trip to the civilized world and you plan to spend the evening in your hotel room ? That 's unacceptable . " he said . " Come have dinner with me . " I was more than a little skeptical . " How ? " He didn 't look like he had enough cash to pay for dinner . Except for the watch . The watch he wore looked very expensive . He probably stole it . Or so I thought at the time . I hesitated for only a moment . " All right , " I said finally . Even if he didn 't have the means to save the excavation , there was something so compelling about him , I couldn 't refuse . I didn 't want to refuse . Deep in the Sinai , archaeologist Lynne Raven seeks proof of the Exodus . She unearths an ancient text foretelling of a prophet , sent to defeat an approaching darkness . Her path soon crosses with that of Connor MacKenzie , an attractive yet distant geneticist . Meanwhile , around the globe , children are being abducted at an alarming rate . All are between the ages of five and six . All are extraordinarily gifted . And all were conceived in vitro . One thing connects them all - the truth about Connor MacKenzie . Exploring the fine line between good and evil , Chasing the Wind is an outstanding novel about love , faith , and destiny in the modern age . The special promotion for Angels at Midnight is nearing its end , but as of today , Final Hours begins a special promotion that will end on the 18th . Tomorrow , Chasing the Wind will begin a special promotion that will end on the 19th . If you haven 't read either of them but would like to , now is the best time to buy the ebook editions . Sorry , the paperbacks never go on sale . Our novel , Chasing the Wind , is currently on sale at Amazon . Now through October 27th , the ebook edition is only $ . 99 . Sorry , those of you who prefer print editions . I don 't think our publisher ever runs sales on the paperbacks . He 's dead ? It couldn 't be . Finding Andrew was my last chance , my only chance of getting the answers I needed . My only chance to find out what the future held for me . There was no one else I could turn to , no one in whom I could confide . I continued to stare at the image on the monitor . Andrew was chronologically older than me by almost ten years . His hair was longer and he had a beard now . I hauled a squirming , soapy mutt from the washtub and turned the spray on him to rinse him off . The little ingrate managed to wiggle himself free of my grasp and shook his whole body violently , showering me with suds . " Dirty little rodent ! " I laughed , hauling him up by the scruff of his neck and returning him to the rinsing sink . " Here I am , trying to be Mr . Nice Guy , and this is the thanks I get ! " Recognizing her voice , I turned . Robyn stood in the doorway , watching me with open affection in her eyes . " Employees only allowed back here , " I said , looking around to make sure nobody on the staff had seen her come in . " Relax , " she told me . " As I told you before , I have special status around here , thanks to my record number of adoptees . Nobody 's going to say anything . " She paused . " Except maybe hello , which would be better than I got from you just now . " " Did I ever say that ? " I pushed open the door on the passenger side and climbed out just as her army of pets came charging across the yard to greet them . " None of them bite , do they ? " I called out to her . " Some of them don 't even have teeth , " she laughed . " About half of these guys are really , really old . Old critters in shelters are hard to place - a shame , since they make such good pets . " I grabbed the grocery bags in the back seat as the animals ganged up on Robyn . She reached into her backpack and took out a large freezer bag full of treats , tossing them out . The animals grabbed them enthusiastically . I followed her into the house via the torn screen door off the kitchen . The kitchen was big and cluttered . Jackets hung on the backs of the chairs . Food and water bowls were lined up against one wall . Dishes were piled up in the sink , and the trash can overflowed . She nodded . " Great . There 's garbage cans out front , at the end of the drive , " she said , in case I hadn 't noticed them when we came in . I nodded and gathered up the trash . It took me less than five minutes to do the task . " Any other odd jobs I can do while I 'm here ? " I asked when I returned to the house . I loved her house . It was homey . Lived in . Very different from where I 'd grown up . My parents ' home had been almost antiseptic . My father was a control freak who wanted perfect order at all times . I couldn 't remember ever being allowed to leave toys in the middle of the floor or get dirty at play . She laughed . " They got to you , didn 't they ? Y ' know , when anybody makes references to ' dumb animals , ' I always find that funny , because they 're not dumb at all . They just speak a different language . " She passed me the potatoes I wasn 't able to reach in spite of my best efforts . " Sometimes , I think they conspire to get themselves adopted - like one turns to another and says , ' Watch me get that sucker over there to take me home , ' or ' Hey , he looks like he eats well . I 'm going where the food is ! ' " " It fits , believe me . Wait 'll you see these two together , " I said . " The cat 's fat , lazy and manipulative , and the dog 's an idiot . " " All right , so maybe he did . " I paused . " You have to see this mutt to believe him - he 's so dumb , you have to wonder how he managed to stay alive out on the streets . And the cat … broader than he is tall . No exaggeration . " Robyn smiled . " I 'm glad you changed your mind about this , Alex . I think you 'll be happy here . " She paused . " I should probably warn you , though . " " Hippies , " she repeated . " Pot - smoking , peace - and - love believing , down - with - the - establishment hippies . They didn 't turn respectable and get married until I was twelve . " I shrugged . " I don 't know … I just don 't think you act like one . " Take your foot out of your mouth , idiot , I told myself . " I was born and raised in a commune . I 'm the youngest of six kids . Mom and Dad said they decided to keep trying until they got a daughter , " she continued . I shifted uncomfortably in the seat of the crowded Greyhound bus as it approached the city from the east on the San Bernardino Freeway . In the darkness , most of my fellow passengers slept . Sleep for me , however , did not come easily . A woman seated in the back of the bus with a crying baby was having the same problem . I smiled to himself , a weary little smile . The kid was proof of perpetual motion : he never stopped crying . I was surprised any sound could come out of that throat after all this time . I sat up and attempted to refold my jacket into a more comfortable pillow . What 's the use ? I asked myself . In another fifteen minutes , the bus would be stopping , and I 'd be looking for someplace else to call home , however temporarily . Home . I don 't even know the meaning of the word . I looked up at the lights . Lights illuminating the freeway , lights in buildings . I tried to imagine what the people inside those buildings were doing . Office buildings , with workaholics burning the midnight oil , trying to get rich . Hotels , filled with weary travelers , families on vacation , cheating spouses having trysts . No matter who they were or what they were doing , those people had somebody with them , or somebody to go home to . I looked down at the folded newspaper in my lap . It was three years old . The headline read : SCIENTIST SOUGHT TO TESTIFY IN GEN TECH CASE . The caption under the photograph read Dr . Andrew Stewart , but the face was my own . The same light brown hair , the same blue eyes , the same bone structure - everything was the same . We were identical twins , even though we had been born to different mothers in different countries , ten years apart . The bus left the freeway and headed downtown . Los Angeles suited my needs perfectly . It was the perfect place to lose oneself . I wanted to drop off the face of the earth . What better place to do it than this city of dreams ? The City of Angels . I found it amusing . If this place were indeed populated by angels , if angels existed , if Heaven existed , I would certainly be banned . I 'd never be permitted to set foot on holy ground . I 'm a walking , talking sacrilege , I thought miserably . Man 's slap in the face to God . By the time the bus pulled into the station , the crying baby in the back had finally drifted off to sleep . His mother 's peace would be short - lived . The moment she moved , rising from her seat to disembark , the howling began all over again . I hoisted my backpack onto one shoulder and slipped into the line in the aisle . As I stepped off the bus , I was assaulted by a variety of sights and sounds . Los Angeles was truly a melting pot , populated by people representing a wide range of cultures and speaking a multitude of languages . I made my way through the crowd and entered the large , cavernous station . There were faded fiberglass chairs in lines in the center , some taken , most empty . A row of vending machines lined one wall . There was a snack bar that was now closed , and small TV sets that operated on quarters . Homeless people slept on the floor at the far end , their worldly belongings stuffed into tattered backpacks , duffels and totes . I lowered my own backpack from my shoulder and looked at it for a moment . I 'm one of them , I thought , drawing in a deep breath before moving forward . Might as well join the crowd . I found a spot in a corner and lay down , drawing my body into a fetal position . I rested my head on the backpack and finally began to drift off to sleep . Had I become so accustomed to this life that it no longer bothered me ? I hadn 't been asleep long when the shrill whistle issued by a policeman roused me . I sat up as a group of people rushed into the terminal and started rounding up the homeless . I thought they were cops at first . I scrambled to my feet . I turned . Behind me was a young woman who looked to be in her late twenties , dressed in an Old Navy T - shirt and faded jeans . She had warm brown eyes and long auburn hair that hung in messy curls about her shoulders . " You sure don 't look like a cop , " I told her , confident that , unless she was armed , I could easily get away from her . " Does a warm bed and hot food appeal to you or not ? " She looked around . The people she 'd come with were already leading several others out of the terminal . " We only have limited facilities . " I nodded , unable to speak with my mouth full . Until she had put the bowl in front of me , I hadn 't realized how hungry I was - or how long it had been since I 'd last eaten . I was sure my table manners were deplorable , but she didn 't seem to notice - or to care . She sat across the table from me , watching me intently . " So where are you from , Alex Stewart ? " she asked finally . " You said your mother taught you never to get into cars with strangers , " she recalled . " I have a photographic memory . " She tapped her temple for emphasis . She laughed . A beautiful , open laugh . I liked the sound . It had been a long time since I 'd laughed - or heard anyone else laugh like that . It was funny how something so simple , so often taken for granted , could become so precious when one was deprived of it . She considered her answer before giving it . " Most of them are out on the streets because they can 't take care of themselves . Mentally ill , handicapped in other ways . They can 't work , can 't pay the bills . Society 's cruel , so they end up out on the streets . " I finished the soup . I would have liked another bowl , but was reluctant to ask for it . Instead , I pushed it away to let her know I was finished . " Do tell , " I urged . She took the bowl and put it on a cart , then sat down with me again . " If I had to venture a guess , I 'd say you 're above average in the brains department . Which makes me wonder how you ended up here , " she said . " That bad . " I changed the subject then , unwilling to say anything more . " You said something about a soft bed . I 'm really beat … . " She laughed . " Sometimes it feels that way , " she admitted , " but no . I live in the Valley . I 'm filling in for a friend this morning . " She heaped eggs and bacon onto a plate for me . I took it , nodding in appreciation . I moved along in the line , figuring I 'd probably seen the last of her . I took a seat at one end of one of the long , cafeteria - style tables that filled the lunchroom and ate alone , lost in my own thoughts . I looked up . Robyn stood there , smiling down at me . Her smile was as warm and inviting as her laugh . " Am I now your pet cause ? " I asked , regretting those words as soon as they were out of my mouth . She 'd been concerned about me , and I sounded as if I resented it - which couldn 't have been further from the truth . " Maybe you are , " she said with a slight nod . She didn 't wait to be invited to join him . " So , about that job . " " At the animal shelter . There 's an opening . It doesn 't pay much , but it 's a start , " she told me . " Do you like animals ? " I left New York two days later . I arrived in North Carolina on a sunny afternoon in the aftermath of a hurricane . The clear , cloudless sky seemed to mock the devastation nature had inflicted upon the land . The wrath of God , I thought grimly . I worked in construction for six weeks , part of a massive effort to rebuild what nature in its fury had destroyed . Hundreds were homeless , living in shelters set up by the Red Cross . My work took me from Kitty Hawk to Cape Hatteras , working in every small town in between . I slept in shelters or on the beach , saving every cent I could for the inevitable , the time when I 'd have to move on . I attended a local church near Kill Devil Hills for a time , but found myself disillusioned , more by the clergy there than by the congregation , I went back to studying my Bible independently , sitting alone in the sand along the beach . I often asked myself if it mattered that I was doing this for the wrong reasons as long as it got the right results . Did God care , one way or the other ? If there was indeed a God , had He abandoned mankind ? If not , where was he now ? Why had He allowed so much pain and suffering to go on in this world ? One had only to read the newspapers or watch the evening news to see war , crime , famine , disease , homelessness everywhere . I came upon the scene as it unfolded : an elderly woman had been evicted from her home . All of her belongings were piled up along the curb . She was clearly distraught . All around her , human scavengers were digging through her things , taking whatever they wanted . No one was trying to stop them or do anything to help her . The people stopped what they were doing . Most of them departed , but some refused to give up the things they 'd helped themselves to . I approached the old woman . " You all right ? " I asked . She looked like she might collapse . I could tell she 'd been crying . She shook her head . " I don 't know what I 'm going to do , " she mumbled . " I got nowhere to go and no way to move this stuff , what 's left . " " Since about eight this morning . " She looked toward the door , toward what had once been her home . " The people who have stopped , they didn 't come to help , just to take what they wanted . " I noticed a car slowing to a stop several yards away . A little girl who looked to be about eight years old climbed out and grabbed a large stuffed flamingo . " Hey ! " I yelled , running after her . " Drop it ! " The child , terrified , dropped the flamingo . She climbed into the car and it drove off . " What are you people teaching you kids ? " I shouted after it . I turned . The elderly woman was trying to stop a man three times her size from taking her washing machine , but he was ignoring her pleas . I ran back to her . " Hey , buddy - that 's hers ! " I shouted . The man turned to face me , towering over me by a good six inches and at least a hundred pounds . " Yeah ? You gonna stop me ? " he challenged . I spent a night in jail . " You 've been charged with assault , " the policeman who arrested me explained . " The guy you decked lost two teeth and suffered a concussion . " " If you 'd called us , we could have stopped him . Taking the law into your own hands is a mistake . " The cop led me to a cell and ushered me in , then locked the door . It was just before dawn when another officer roused me to announce that I was being released . " You 're free to go , pal , " the officer said as he unlocked the cell . " You 've become a bit of a local celebrity . " " Your knight in shining armor bit netted you coverage by all the local news programs . We 've been getting calls all night , people wanting to post your bail . The guy you clobbered , on the other hand , got so many angry calls , he dropped the charges . " The cop grinned . " Somebody set her up in a new place and moved what was left of her stuff , " he said . " There 's some envelopes at the desk for you , too . People thought you should be rewarded for your actions . " Whenever I had the chance , I 'd go to a public library and log onto one of their computers , resuming my search for Andrew . He seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth . Everyone else involved with the old man 's experiments had been located and hauled in for questioning , but Andrew had vanished without a trace . Had he returned to London ? I wondered . I realized now that I knew precious little about my twin 's life , beyond a few very basic facts : he 'd been born in Scotland , raised and educated in London , and had lived in the US from the age of sixteen , when he began working under the tutelage of my so - called father . Did Andrew have a family ? A wife , children ? Was he aware of my existence ? The most important questions I had for Andrew could only be answered face - to - face . I wondered where my mother - Dorothea Sadowski - was now . I hadn 't seen or heard from her since the day she left Boston . She had made no attempt to contact me and left no forwarding address . I never understood why , until the day I learned the truth about my birth . I knew she hadn 't left because of the old man 's extracurricular activities . She 'd known about his other indiscretions all along . I recalled confronting her about it one night over dinner … . " Why do you look the other way ? " I demanded angrily . " He 's got an apartment near the campus . He takes girls there all the time . Everybody knows it , dammit ! He 's making a fool of you ! " |
Caution : This Sex Story contains strong sexual content , including Ma / Fa , Fa / Fa , Consensual , BDSM , MaleDom , Spanking , Humiliation , Desc : Sex Story : Chapter 1 - From the first moment he saw her , Bob wanted Rachel . It wasn 't just the handcuffs she was wearing . He was sure there was more to it than that . There was something wrong with this picture . The woman standing on the street corner was wearing a navy blue dress which hung just below her knees , navy blue hose , and medium heels . Her blond hair was freshly permed , and just barely brushed her shoulders . She stood stiffly erect with her feet together and her eyes cast down . Her hands were clasped behind her and the handcuffs which restrained them looked huge on her slender wrists . It wasn 't the sight of a woman standing on the corner in handcuffs that was odd . It was common to see hookers being arrested on the avenue . What was odd was that this woman didn 't look like a hooker . The hookers who worked the avenue were universally unattractive . They plied their trade on the avenue because is it was the only place they could find customers who were desperate enough to pay for their services . The only attractive hookers on the avenue were police decoys . Everyone knew this except the Johns , who were even dumber than the hookers . When the police would run their occasional decoy operations , a guy could be getting arrested twenty feet away and another would walk right up to the decoy , make a solicitation , and be arrested himself . They didn 't want to be seen with a hooker and thought they could achieve this end by not seeing anything themselves . I drove the avenue every day on my way to and from work and knew most of the regular hookers by sight . I would see one of the hookers being arrested every once in a while . The ladies all knew the drill and when arrested would usually lean , handcuffed , against a tree or utility pole or sometimes just sit on the curb while waiting for the paddy wagon . If they were on drugs , they would fidget continuously . One or two cops would stand nearby , bored and likewise waiting for the wagon . That 's what was wrong with the scene on the corner . This woman was attractive - - not gorgeous , just pretty much normal looking . Her clothing was conservative , not provocative , and clean . I had never seen her before . She stood erect and unmoving , looking like nothing so much as a middle class housewife . A plain clothes officer stood next to her . Such women normally wouldn 't be seen on the avenue . What was she doing there ? Why had she been arrested ? I was on my way to the bank to make the day 's deposit . After I finished , I drove by the corner again . The woman was not in sight , but a paddy wagon was parked at the curb . I assumed she was locked inside . I drove on home . The scene on the street corner was just something I had glimpsed while driving by , but I couldn 't get the woman out of my head . I wondered if she had turned to prostitution to get herself out of some financial bind , but it didn 't make sense . Why the avenue ? She could make more money with less hassle from the cops by working the hotels . Not only that , the avenue was dangerous . More than one of the girls who worked there had been fished out of the river minus a limb or two . The girls on the avenue were there because they had run out of options . This woman 's dress and general demeanor indicated resources unavailable to the usual avenue hooker . Although I drove the avenue every day and was familiar with all the regulars , I had never actually talked to any of the hookers . They were not ones such as would inspire lust , and while I had sympathy for their plight , I wanted nothing to do with them . This woman was different . There was something about her . The street corner tableaux had burned itself into my brain and the unknown woman had become the main character in my erotic fantasies . I wondered what I would do if I actually saw her again . Would I stop and talk to her ? Perhaps inquire as to her price ? " Well , you really blew that one , " I told myself . I thought about following her , but that would be stupid . I would only dig myself deeper into her bad graces by trying to force contact . I could only hope that fortune would provide me with a future occasion . Her departure had left me next in the check out line , whereas she was now at the end of another line . It would be a while before she came out . I paid for my bread and left . I decided to increase the odds of a future encounter by finding out where she lived . I sat in my car and waited . My back was to the store and I watched the door in the mirror . It was a full fifteen minutes before she emerged . I watched as she pushed her cart full of sacks along the front of the building toward the edge of the lot . Even though there were a lot of cars in the lot and people coming and going , I didn 't want to chance drawing her attention by starting my engine . I would wait until she was occupied starting her own . As she neared the edge of the parking lot , rather than turning toward the last row of parked cars , she pushed her cart onto the sidewalk and disappeared around the corner of the building . For a moment I was surprised that she hadn 't parked in the lot , then I realized there was no parking on the street . She hadn 't come in a car . She was on foot . Damn . There was no inconspicuous way to follow a pedestrian in a car . I would either have to drive past her multiple times or park and watch until she turned a corner , then move to a new vantage point . I headed home . I had learned a couple of things . She apparently didn 't have a car . Pushing a cart as full as hers over the rough sidewalks in this area is not something you would do if you had other options , although I suppose her car could have been in the shop . The other thing I learned was that she lived nearby . There had been ice cream in her cart and it was a warm day , so she wasn 't going too far . Since she had been pushing the cart north on the west side of the building , it was also reasonable to assume she lived to the north and west . I wondered if she had a family . I hadn 't paid all that much attention to the stuff in her cart , but hadn 't seen anything that would specifically indicate children . Nevertheless , the quantity of stuff she had purchased indicated she was shopping for more than one . As I drove home , I started thinking about the shopping cart . Although I knew almost nothing about this woman , I had a feeling she wasn 't someone who would steal a shopping cart . I drove back to the store and parked on a side street about two blocks north of the store . About ten minutes later , I saw her in my rear view mirror , pushing the empty cart back toward the store . She walked right by me and I wished I had been wearing a hat to pull down over my face . I didn 't want her to catch me spying on her . My concern was unwarranted . She passed by without a glance . I 'm not even sure she knew I was there . This was unusual behavior for someone who lived near the avenue . Most of the women I knew made sure they knew who was around them and some made a point of making eye contact with anyone they felt might be threatening . Nevertheless , it made a consistent package . Being oblivious to her surroundings and returning the shopping cart seemed to fit together . She hadn 't been here long . After she was out of sight , I moved the car . I was on a street just east of the one running north from the store and had by chance parked on the street she lived on , but hadn 't seen what house she came out of . I parked at the other end of the block and awaited her return . When I got home , I looked up the address in the cross reference . The name attached to that address was Gregory Silva . I called the phone number listed with the address . " I 'm sorry , he doesn 't live here . " It sounded like her voice , but I couldn 't be sure . She had only spoken a few words to me . I decided it was time to stop being obsessive and return to real life . I went out to mow the lawn . After I finished , I showered , brought the mail in , sorted the bills by due date , and tossed the junk mail in the trash . Even from the trash I could still hear it screaming : Urgent ! Dated Material , Open Immediately ! I ignored the clamor and put my loaf of bread to use , making a sandwich . I got a beer from the fridge and sat down to eat . My jaw dropped and I nearly dropped my sandwich . She was standing on my porch , right in front of me . I managed to gather my wits quickly enough to get the first word in . My little twenty questions game was carried out almost by reflex . If I had had more time to think , I would have asked her questions that would have had her agreeing with me . Nevertheless , I had gained some psychological advantage . I had her answering questions and now she would have to say whatever it was that she came to say in response to my demand for an explanation of her presence . Was I stalking her ? I had maybe an hour total invested in today 's activities . That hardly qualified as stalking , although it was the result of several weeks of obsessing about her . " And how do you come to the conclusion that you 're being stalked ? " I wanted to know more about where she was coming from and what she wanted . The way she had phrased her question struck me as odd . She hadn 't demanded that I stop , she just wanted to know why , but I 'm sure a demand to cease and desist was next on the agenda . I would have to see if I could deflect her before she got that far . That helped . She didn 't realize the store was a chance encounter . Apparently she had seen me when I 'd watched her from the car , and also recognized my voice on the phone . I 'd been wrong about her not being aware of her surroundings . She was , if anything , more aware than average . On the other hand , I 'd been right about her taking the cart back , so at least some of my speculations about her had been correct . I wasn 't surprised that she had found me . I hadn 't bothered to block my number when I 'd called hers and I was in the phone book . Given that she 'd recognized my voice , it wasn 't surprising that she 'd located me . I was surprised to find her here on my doorstep . She was right here , talking to me . I had to somehow take advantage of this opportunity . I had to make her want to see me again after she left . It probably wasn 't going to be easy . I wasn 't being too successful at laying obligations on her , although I did get her to sit . I cast about for another tactic . How had she gotten here ? I looked about and spotted the bicycle leaning against the tree next to the curb . " You 're not from around here , are you ? " I headed down the steps to get the bike . I leaned it against the wall behind me and sat down at the table across from her . I now had control of her transportation . " It 's true . I have no idea what your name is . Since your phone is listed to some guy named Silva , I could speculate that your last name is Silva , but I could be wrong . " " Well , at least tell me your first name . It can 't hurt . If I 'm lying , I already know . If I 'm not , then things are not what you think . You know my name , don 't you ? " " That 's okay . At least I know what to call you . Now , let me tell you how my interest in you came about . Then you can do some explaining of your own . " " We 'll get to that , but first let me give you some background . " I explained that it was just by chance that I had witnessed her arrest , and only about 30 seconds of it at that , and how it had drawn my interest because it struck me as so unusual . I told her I had forgotten about the whole thing ( which wasn 't true ) until I had by chance found myself behind her in line at the store . Even then , I probably wouldn 't have noticed if she hadn 't spoken to me . Her reaction to my telling her that I 'd seen her in handcuffs piqued my curiosity even further . I had to know more about her , how she had come to be arrested , etc . " That 's exactly what I 'm telling you . Until today , all I 'd seen of you was a passing glimpse of your arrest . You 're more observant than average , yet you never saw me before today . Surely you 'd have noticed me before if I was stalking you . " " Exactly . If I 'd been following you all these weeks , wouldn 't I already know where you lived ? I wanted to meet you , but didn 't know if I 'd ever even see you again . I thought that if I knew where you lived , I could improve the odds . " " I 'll admit being attracted to women in handcuffs , but there was more to it than that . Your reaction when I mentioned it at the store was what really got me going . You became a mysterious woman with a secret . Now that I 've actually met you and talked to you , you 're even more mysterious . " " You present all these contradictions . On one level , you seem naive and you don 't know how to handle yourself in this neighborhood , yet you pay attention to everything that goes on around you and don 't make it obvious that you 're watching . You strike me as being a bit shy , yet when you think you 're being stalked , you come and ring my doorbell to confront me . That 's so brave and so stupid , I truly don 't know what to think of you . " " What should you have done ? Almost anything else . You don 't have enough to go to the police with , so you check it out from a distance . Call me on the phone , or have some guy you know call me or come by and see me . There are lots of ways to handle a situation like that without putting yourself in danger . " What did she mean by that ? Was she flirting ? Normally I would have viewed a response like that as in invitation to raise the stakes , but with her I couldn 't tell . She had said it so matter - of - factly that her intent was unreadable . " I don 't know where you moved here from , but the dangerous men around here are very dangerous . You can 't pull this kind of stunt and assume you 'll survive . " That seemed to shock her . " That 's something you 'll have to decide for yourself . " This was the first time she had faltered . Up until now , she had spoken with complete self assurance . But with this sentence , there was a catch in her throat . If it had been delivered smoothly and suavely , it would have been an obvious come on line , but it wasn 't . Her delivery was forced and it was like there was a major lump in her throat . There was just the faintest touch of " Take me , you fool " in it , but also a bit of apprehension , maybe some disappointment , and something else I couldn 't quite put my finger on , something like an unsuccessful attempt to sound detached . . . The one thing I was certain of was that I was that I had witnessed a breach in her defenses . I was getting to her . I knew what to do next : send her home . " Rachel , it 's time for you to go . " I picked up her bike and carried it to the sidewalk . She followed me down the steps and I handed her the bike . Time to close the sale . This called for physical contact . I took her by the shoulders , turned her toward me , and looked into her eyes . " Shall I forget your phone number ? " I returned to my lunch , but ate it without being aware of doing so . Rachel had set my mind ( among other things ) on fire . She was more mysterious now than ever . She was obviously intelligent , but she was so dumb . I wanted to protect her . I wanted to possess her . I wanted her to stand before me in handcuffs just the way she had stood when I first saw her . It would be at least fifteen or twenty minutes before I could call her , since it would take her that long to get home . Realistically , I couldn 't call her for a couple of days . It wouldn 't do to get over anxious at this early stage . Today was Saturday . Tuesday sounded about right . Tuesday finally arrived . Early in the evening , I called Rachel . She seemed reluctant , obviously having had second thoughts about the whole thing , but I finally talked her into going to dinner with me on Friday . I picked Rachel up at her house Friday evening . I took her to a restaurant downtown that was nice but not intimidating . It was a place where I could get wine by the half bottle . I suspected that Rachel wasn 't much of a drinker , so I wanted a quantity that would help get her talking , but not get her looped . I wanted to know why she had been arrested , and her reaction in the grocery store told me she was sensitive about the subject . In the meantime , I learned whatever else I could about her . Her divorce had been accompanied by a bankruptcy , so she hadn 't gotten much in the way of a settlement . Gregory Silva was a friend of a friend who needed to maintain a legal residence in the city for business reasons . He had agreed to let Rachel live in the house he maintained for that purpose and use his phone line . That explained the Gregory Silva deal . He didn 't really figure into her life except as absentee landlord . Rachel didn 't have a car and rode the bus to and from work and used her bicycle to get around the neighborhood . She was a librarian and worked downtown at the main library . " It was my first day here in this neighborhood and I got off at the wrong stop coming home from work . Once the bus pulled away , I realized I wasn 't at the right spot , but didn 't know how to get to the one I wanted . There was this guy standing there , so I started asking him directions . He told me how to get home , and as I turned away , he asked me ' how much ? ' . I asked him ' how much what ? " and he said ' you know , how much for a blow job ? ' I couldn 't believe it . So I told him , ' it 's normally only a fifty dollars , but for you , it 's a thousand ' and he arrested me for soliciting . Then he put handcuffs on me and called a paddy wagon . " " Part of the problem was that you asked him for directions . Some of the hookers are pretty brazen , but others are more circumspect . They ask for the time , or a light , or directions or something to break the ice . He probably would have ignored you if you hadn 't approached him . I doubt he really thought you were a hooker , but when you insulted him , he arrested you . " " Rachel , the cops don 't look at it that way . Their attitude is something like , ' Your honor , it all started when the defendant hit me back ' . There 's also the possibility that he really wanted a blow job and your refusal pissed him off . Who 's your lawyer ? " " Yes , but I can 't afford one . I had to spend the night in jail as it was and my daughter Gretchen was home alone . I couldn 't come up with bail until morning . The worst part is that the school social worker somehow found out about it and is trying to get me declared as an unfit mother . " " I don 't think I need to . Ed says he can get me off . Even if I lose , he says it would just be a small fine on a first offense . " " Hello . Earth to Rachel . You 're going into court against a cop with a ' he said , she said ' defense and a public defender ? I 'm making an appointment for you in the morning . " " It happened this time . Next time you 'll have a prior . Not only that , but a conviction this time will give the social worker all she needs to get your daughter taken away . " " Oh , yes . Rachel , you seem to think that because you 're innocent , you have nothing to worry about . If things worked like that , you wouldn 't be in this situation in the first place . A public defender won 't cut it . This is one of those occasions when you need to use a cannon to kill a mosquito . This mosquito carries malaria . " I took Rachel home after dinner . The scene on her porch was a bit awkward . She was obviously ambivalent about asking me in . The evening had ended sooner than she had expected , and although she had had a good time and obviously wanted to talk to me some more , she was apprehensive about letting things go too far too soon . I solved her problem for her and begged off as gracefully as possible , returning home after promising to have my lawyer call her . Monday morning I gave John , my lawyer , a call and explained the situation . He agreed that it shouldn 't be handled by a public defender and told me he would give her a call . I asked him if there would be any problem getting Rachel acquitted . He told me he would have to talk to her and gather some facts , but he was quite confident it could be accomplished easily . I was relieved to hear this . Although I believed Rachel , there were no witnesses and it was only her word against the cop . John assured me it was no problem . I hung up the phone , much relieved . I wanted the next person who locked handcuffs on Rachel to be me . That evening I heard from Rachel . She thanked me for having John call her and said he 'd been most reassuring and that she felt much better about the whole thing . I told her I was glad to hear it . She wanted to know if I would testify since I 'd been a witness to her arrest . " I doubt it , " I told her . " All I saw was you and the cop standing on the street corner as I drove by . About the only thing I could testify to is that you didn 't look like a hooker . I suppose John could call me as a witness , but that 's up to him . " " No . You 're the client . That 's all that matters . Your discussions with him are private . If he discussed your case with me , I would have reason to question his ethics and I would need a new lawyer . " I was surprised when Rachel had asked me about testifying , but realized that it was her way of bringing up the subject of how much John would tell me about her case . It was obvious that Rachel was worried about this . At first I thought her concern was naive , almost comical , but the more I thought about it , the more reasonable it seemed from her point of view . She knew very little about either of us . " Look , " I continued , " I know this is one of those situations where you need the help , but it makes you feel obligated and uncertain to accept it . First of all , you need to know that John is absolutely ethical . The only things I 'll learn about your case are what you tell me . He would be appalled to know we were even having this discussion . Secondly , it 's not likely to cost me anything . My business pays him a monthly retainer and we don 't need him all that often , so I can call in the occasional favor . We 're old friends and some day he 'll call me for a favor and he knows I 'll take care of him . " " I understand . I 'd still like to go out with you , but only if you want to . I don 't want you to feel obligated . " Friday came and I took Rachel to dinner and a movie . She seemed somewhat distracted all evening . I thought it had to do with her court date , which was the next Tuesday . I kept trying to reassure her about it , but to no effect . I finally realized there had to be something else going on . I could understand her getting all worked up the night before she went to court , but she didn 't go until next week . Once I figured this out , I began trying to find out what was really going on . I was worried that it was me . It wasn 't . " Oh , Jesus . She just lost one parent , so they try to take away her other one , then accuse her of hostility . Who is this social worker ? Is she evil , or incompetent ? " " Her name is Gayle Robbins . I think she 's both . Mainly , she 's incompetent , but she 's willing to do evil to hide the fact of her incompetence . " " Rachel , this is about your daughter . We 'll sort out who owes what to whom later . Right now , you need to put a stick in Miss Gayle Robbins spokes , and John has a bigger stick than you do . One thing that scares the hell out of school administrators and social workers is lawyers . They hate getting sued . " I took Rachel home and walked her to her door . She looked up at me expectantly and I pulled her to me , intending to kiss her . Her body seemed to melt against mine and I ended up kissing her on the forehead and just holding her . She said nothing and made no sound , but tears streamed down her cheeks . I was once again overcome with a desire to protect her , but also to possess her . I reminded myself to keep my priorities straight . Protection now , possession later . After a bit , I unwrapped my arms from around her and opened her door . Rachel called me Monday evening . She had talked to John and he had called the school and put the fear of God ( or at least lawsuits ) into them . He told them that the consent form was now null and void and that no one was to interview Gretchen without Rachel 's written consent , and that if any attempt was made to do so , his process server would pay each and every one of them a visit the next day . Later in the day , John had managed to contact Gayle 's supervisor and read her the riot act . Apparently the social worker was employed by a different department and wasn 't under the direct authority of the principal . He learned that the school principal had done the same thing earlier and Gayle had been informed that she would be fired if she approached Gretchen again . Rachel told me she was relieved to have Gayle out of her hair , but she was still nervous about her court appearance in the morning . John had told her it would be not problem , but she still wanted it over with . She asked me if I would be there . I slept fitfully that night . Even though I had complete faith in John , I was concerned about Rachel . I was rather annoyed with myself for getting all worked up over this , but as I thought about it , I realized I 'd been letting myself get worked up over Rachel since that first day I saw her on the avenue . Rachel called me at work about noon . Everything had gone fine . John had forced the cop to admit that it was he who had brought up the blow job . The judge threw it out and gave the cop a lecture , expressing the opinion that the wrong person had been charged . He said it was obvious that Rachel 's reply was a put down rather than a serious solicitation . There was one odd thing . Gayle had attended the proceedings . When the judge tossed the case out , she had gotten up and stomped out of the courtroom . Rachel was sort of glad she was there to see it . Now she would have to concede Rachel 's innocence . I suggested we go out that evening and celebrate , but Rachel said she had to work tomorrow and it was a school day for Gretchen , so she couldn 't stay out late . She suggested we wait until Friday . Gretchen was going to spend the weekend at a friend 's house , leaving Rachel free for the weekend . The implications of this were obvious . Rachel didn 't know it yet , but although she wouldn 't be burdened with looking after Gretchen , she wasn 't exactly going to be free . " Sometimes , " Rachel said , " I think this whole thing happened to bring us together . I mean , if I hadn 't gotten arrested , you wouldn 't have noticed me , and we wouldn 't be here now . But then , sometimes I think it was the other way , that when I was arrested , you came along as a means to save me . And then sometimes I think it all just happened . " " Don 't play games , Rachel . On Tuesday , you made it clear you were available for the whole weekend . Well , now you 're not . " This was true . My wife , Meg , and I had bought it as our dream house several years before her death . It was a turn of the century stone house which was fully restored . Mahogany woodwork , brass and crystal chandeliers , and stained and leaded glass were everywhere . I made Rachel a drink , gave her a tour , then led her back to the living room . I lit some candles , then turned out the chandelier . I took her drink from her and led her by the hand to the center of the room . " This is isn 't going to be like what you 're used to , so just go with it . " Without speaking further , I stepped behind Rachel and positioned her as I wanted her , squaring her shoulders , moving her feet together , and turning her head so she faced forward . I pulled her hands behind her and locked the handcuffs around her wrists . I stepped in front of her , took her head in my hands , and looked into her eyes . " Rachel , you have a choice . You can go or you can stay , but if you stay , you will be in my charge . " Rachel looked a bit dubious at this , so I told her , " You don 't have to decide now . You can leave any time you want . It will be my job to make you want to stay . It will be your job , up to the point at which you decide to leave , to do whatever I ask . " " Don 't be so impatient . This isn 't going to be a quickie . We have all night , and the next day and the next . I don 't like for these things to be over with in fifteen or twenty minutes . Now , if you please , be silent . " I watched Rachel in the flickering candle light . She stood just as she had when I had first seen her - - erect , eyes cast down , wrists locked behind her . Every once in a while , she would look up and meet my gaze , become embarrassed , and look down again . There was something about Rachel when she was embarrassed . She embarrassed easily and she was so sexy when she blushed . " It would certainly spoil the fun if I told you . " I unlocked one handcuff and slipped her dress off her arms , then locked it back around her wrist . " Rachel , I asked you not to speak , didn 't I ? " " There are consequences if we don 't do our jobs . If I don 't do mine , you 'll leave . If you don 't do yours , there are consequences as well . " I held the gag to her lips . " Open your mouth , Rachel , " I said softly . She opened her mouth and I pushed the gag into place , buckling the strap behind her neck . I stepped behind her again and unhooked her bra . I removed the handcuffs and slipped the bra off , then pulled her hands behind her again and bound her wrists with rope . She tensed as I slid her panties down , but stepped out of them when instructed to do so . Rachel was now naked except for her stockings , heels , collar , and gag . I returned her to her former position and resumed my seat , watching . Rachel stood as before . After a bit , she looked up and saw me gazing upon her body . She turned red and lowered her eyes again . This cycle repeated several times . I became more aroused with each cycle . I walked back over to Rachel . " Do you want to leave yet ? " She shook her head . " Shall I take you upstairs now ? " She nodded . I scooped her up and carried her up the stairs . Once there , I set her on her feet , removed her gag , and kissed her . I untied her wrists , then picked her up and laid her on the bed , removing her shoes . I made her spread her arms and legs and tied her to the bed with the ropes I had prepared for her . Then I began a slow exploration of her body with a feather , finding all her ticklish spots and some that made her gasp or moan for other reasons . When I finished with the feather , I began exploring with tongue and ice cube . Rachel thrashed helplessly , sometimes begging me to stop , other times begging me not to . After finishing my second tour of her body , I touched her and she nearly leapt off the bed . It was time . I mounted her . Rachel didn 't make a lot of noise , but she struggled and thrashed mightily . When finally she subsided , I rolled off and untied her . I could tell Rachel wasn 't thrilled with this idea , but she went along with it anyway . This was what I wanted . There was no point to her obedience if I only asked her to do things she liked . I was a bit worried that she might decide to leave . The overall package seemed agreeable and she liked that I had the day all planned , but there were all these prickles that rendered the package thornier than she had anticipated . Once again , she chose to go along . When we got to her house , she changed into some fresh clothes , then I helped her pick out some things for tonight and tomorrow . She was a bit understocked on intimate apparel , but that was something that could be rectified once we determined if this relationship was going anywhere . She packed the stuff into a small overnight bag and we left . As we got in my car , I noticed a woman sitting in a car across the street . I had the same reflexes as everyone else in the neighborhood and usually paid attention to who was hanging around . Since it was a woman , I didn 't consider her a threat . She seemed attractive . If I hadn 't been with someone , I 'd have given her a second glance . I think Rachel was embarrassed about her collar and kept her eyes down , so she didn 't notice . We had lunch at a restaurant north of the river . I chose the location because it was a neighborhood neither of us frequented . Although I 'd chosen to take Rachel out in public in her collar , I didn 't want to encounter anyone either of us knew . Rachel wore her hair down , so the collar was only visible from the front and she kept her head down so that hardly anyone noticed it . The waitress noticed , however . She gaped openly and Rachel turned red in embarrassment . Her name was Jacqui and it seemed to me that Jacqui came by to fill the water glasses rather more often than necessary . Each time she did , she stared at Rachel 's collar again and Rachel turned red again . I paused to wonder why it was that I found Rachel 's embarrassment such a turn on . I had no answer , but there was no doubt how it affected me . When it came time to leave , I was going to have to be careful that I didn 't embarrass myself when I stood up . |
When Will was first born , the thing that I most remember was how familiar he seemed to me . It really felt like I had known him forever . I couldn 't stop looking at him because he was so beautiful . Every little thing about him was absolutely beautiful and perfect . In all my staring at him , there were many things I noticed about him , of course . For instance , he had pointy toenails . I thought they were lovely . I thought maybe pointy toenails were a general newborn baby thing . Six weeks later when Cara and John had their baby , I went to visit them and snuck a peak at Baby G 's toenails . Not pointy . Hmm . Will also was constantly sticking his fingers in his eyes . Seriously , unless we had him tightly swaddled , he would shoot his little hands up to his face and stick his fingers right into his eyeballs . I was so afraid he would poke his eyes out . During one of those early days , when everything was new and hazy and kind of terrible but also kind of wonderful , I remember that Rob and I stood looking at Will after he had fallen asleep one evening . We had no idea how much time we had before he would wake and the screaming would begin again . We whispered to each other about the things we loved about Will . His knees , his nose , his mouth , and yes , his pointy toenails . " I like his breath , " Rob added to the list . He probably doesn 't remember saying that , but he did . And Will did have really great breath . So sweet . About a month ago , we 'd been at the Gutzvilles for John 's birthday . Will ate his avocado and fruit and Cheerios for dinner , and then he fell asleep on our way home from the party . He actually stayed asleep as Rob unhooked him from the carseat and carried him upstairs to his crib . That had never happened before . I thought he 'd wake up pretty soon - - he hadn 't nursed before falling asleep . But he slept and slept . Finally he woke up around 3 in the morning , suddenly furious that he had been put to bed in his clothes and without a final drink of milk . I hurried across the hall to his room and lifted him out of his crib . As I held him close and he breathed on me , I noticed for the first time ever , he had morning breath ! Sweet breath or not , Will is great . Today he even took a nap in his crib - - something I haven 't been able to get him to do for more than 2 months . It was nice that I could get some things done , but there was a part of me that missed just holding him in my arms while he slept . Today was graduation . Since I skipped my college graduation some umpty - dozen years ago to run a 5K and then get my wedding gown altered , I had decided I 'd actually go to the one for my PhD . The whole thing almost fell apart though . Remember how I mentioned in my last post that I had a plugged duct ? ( " It feels like I 'm getting a plugged duct again , so hopefully that will work itself out without getting too painful . " ) Unfortunately , as soon as I wrote that , it ended up getting worse . I felt awful and achy and started running a fever . You guessed it : mastitis . Luckily , I got in to see my midwife , and she prescribed me some antibiotics . I started feeling better right away . I was still kind of run down , but not bad enough to miss graduation . I walked over to the line up this morning , because I 'm Melissa and I have this thing against driving places less than 2 miles away . It was a little bit weird to step out of my front door and walk through the neighborhood wearing full academic regalia . Plus , I had decided to enliven the whole garish orange and blue ensemble by wearing these shoes . But whatever . This is Urbana . I 'm sure they 've seen it before . Since graduates had to be there before guests , Rob and Will left home a bit later . The ceremony was so crowded that as I filed in , I couldn 't see them anywhere . PhD candidates sat in the very front row , so I couldn 't see the audience at all . A few times during the ceremony I heard a baby cry , but it was never Will . Then shortly before the end ( when PhD candidates were actually announced ) , I heard a very loud BA - BA - BA - BA - BAAAAAAA , " and I thought that 's my boy ! . Sure enough , it was . I saw Rob and Will step forward to take picture as I went up to the stage . The announcer called my name , putting a " Dr . " in front of it . Then SL " hooded " me , which I guess means I now officially have my PhD . I am kind of paranoid that SL will read this or that it will somehow get back to him , but I do just have to say that he has been a really great thesis advisor these past umpteen years . I remember being so scared to tell him that I was pregnant , for fear that he would think that I had flaked out and would bail on the program so close to finishing . But not at all . He was amazingly supportive and encouraging throughout the whole thing . In fact , getting an email from him telling me that my thesis was defensible is probably what sent me into labor . And just moments after Will was born , I told Rob , " Text SL " ( although I think Rob passed out from exhaustion before he could do so ) . I think it is great that SL rode his bike to graduation today and that he attended the ceremony wearing Asics running shoes . In a strange way , it made me feel like everything was right with the world when the festivities ended and I saw SL sling his cap and gown over one arm , hop on his bike , and ride away one - handed . Rob , Will , and I walked home together . Will , of course , had refused to eat his cereal or take a bottle of milk after I 'd had to leave in the morning , so he was very hungry . I stopped to nurse him on the way home . Everyone always talks about growth spurts , but I 've never noticed Will going through any . Or rather , I guess I 've never noticed him not going through a growth spurt , what with his constantly wanting to nurse . Ever since the moment he was born , it seems like he has been on one perpetual growth spurt . This past week though , I did actually notice something . He 'd been sleepy all day and at dinner time , he practically inhaled all of his food . Since I make his food , I just sort of guess about how much to give him , and I don 't have a good idea of how that compares to store - bought portions . What he ate that night ( for starters ) were 2 avocado cubes ( about 1 / 2 an avocado ) , a rice cube , and 2 pear cubes . Oh , and a ton of Cheerios . I mean , a lot of Cheerios . So many , in fact , that I almost googled " how many Cheerios is too many Cheerios to feed your 9 - month old " but I was afraid of the answer . I would put several Cheerios on his tray and he would pounce at them - - shoving them in his mouth , chewing them up , and reaching for more . And while I had fed him his avocado and such , he was all business . Tracking the spoon with his whole head and opening his mouth wide . As soon as he was done with all that , he looked at me very fiercely , grabbed the spoon out of my hand , and banged it on the high chair tray while saying , " MMMmmmmm " through pursed lips . It was actually really cute . But it was clear to me that he was still hungry . So I mashed up some more avocado and rice , and he ate that all too - - smacking his lips when he was done . I wondered if I should give him yet more food , but was kind of worried that his little tum tum would burst . So I gave him a bath and took him up to his room , where he nursed ravenously and then slept for 12 hours straight . In addition to eating more food than he typically does , I think he was probably nursing more for a few days as well . I didn 't think it would impact my appetite or calorie expenditure , but there were about 2 days when I was seriously , freakishly , out of control , crazy - hungry . I am generally always hungry and often wake up in the night hungry even after having eaten a ridiculous amount of food throughout the day , but this was over the top even for me . At one point I tried to estimate how many calories I 'd consumed during the day and stopped counting at 3 , 000 because I was kind of ashamed of myself ( though also still hungry ) . I 'd probably walked 3 miles that day , plus it was shortly after the marathon , so I thought the hunger might be because partially because of that as well . As it was happening , I didn 't know if this was a growth spurt or just the new normal . I googled " is there a 9 - month growth spurt " and didn 't come up with much . . . one of the top hits was some BabyCenter discussion that just made me feel bad because I don 't have my kid on a " schedule " of bottles and napping , etc . Things have kind of settled down by now though . Will is still eating and nursing heartily , but he doesn 't seem ravenous as he did those few days . It feels like my milk supply definitely went up to accommodate those days of rapid growth . The result is that I 'm producing tons of milk right now , and he isn 't nursing as much as he did during the spurt . It feels like I 'm getting a plugged duct again , so hopefully that will work itself out without getting too painful . A while back , I entered a writing contest being hosted by Rixa of Stand and Deliver , one of my favorite blogs . The topic was , " Becoming a parent , becoming transformed . " When I first saw the contest announcement , I thought , " Hm , writing . That 's something I like to do , " but I had no intention of entering . What in the world would I say ? I couldn 't get the contest out of my mind though . Not because I intended to enter , but instead because it made me think about think about how becoming a mother had changed me . I hadn 't had that transformative experience the natural childbirth books seemed to promise . It wasn 't like in the movies or on TV shows when the moment of birth is marked with shouts of joy . By the time Will entered this world , I was just so , so exhausted . And I was emotionally and physically drained from 9 months of constant nausea . The days immediately following Will 's birth only got worse . The nausea did not go away , and we didn 't have that perfect breastfeeding relationship the natural birth books had led me to believe would be the end result of a drug - free birth . It didn 't get better for a long , long time . I suppose these experiences have transformed me , but somehow the whole thing just seemed larger than that and much more deeply rooted . I began to wonder how I had gotten here , from someone who never planned on having children , to someone who practically felt like Mother Earth herself . I distinctly remembered having a conversation with a female colleague the first time I was in Nicaragua doing research . " That whole biological clock thing , " she had said , " never happened to me . " " Yeah , " I agreed , " Me neither . " So what had happened ? ! So I sat down at the computer while nursing Will and typed out the story one - handed . I kept it for many days , in fact , until the day before the contest deadline . Until the moment I entered , I wasn 't sure that I was actually going to do it . I didn 't think what I 'd written was all that good . I didn 't think it was going to win any prizes . I think I just wanted somebody else to read the story of Eduardo and what he had meant to me . I sort of forgot about the whole thing . Then , this week , I received a message from Rixa herself , notifying me that I was a finalist . I was completely floored . And then , come to find out , I won . I still can 't believe it . Today you are 9 months old . In many ways , I feel like this is the " golden age of William . " Things are definitely a lot easier than when you were first born and you cried and cried all the time , you poor dear . You 're a lot happier these days . You crack yourself up . You crack me up . You 're a riot . Just after you turned 8 months old , we took our first family trip . We all flew to Albuquerque , New Mexico , so that I could attend a conference . You loved it . You had a blast . You looked around at all the new and exciting things out there , and I could tell you were a born traveller . You went to parks and museums and restaurants and even the Rio Grande . You didn 't eat too well while we were there , though . You had to have store - bought baby food , and you just didn 't care for it . You didn 't sleep that great while we were there either , but I think it was because you were hungry from declining to eat your store - bought baby food . It took us a little while to get back on track , but I think we 're doing alright now . Oh my goodness , with the Cheerios . At first I was so scared to give them to you because I was afraid you would choke on them . I 've always pureed all your food so that there were no chunks at all in it . But the other mothers were telling me that they gave their babies Cheerios whey they were younger than you even . So I decided to give it a try . I put a few Cheerios out on the tray of your high chair and you reached out , picked one up , and ate it . Just like you 'd always known how to do it ! Okay , well I guess it wasn 't always quite as smooth as that . You knew what to do with the Cheerios , but making your little fingers cooperate was quite another matter . You don 't yet have the precision grip necessary to grasp the little Cheerio between your thumb and forefinger and neatly put it in your mouth . But the opposable digits will come later . It has been exciting to see how every day you get better and better about picking up your Cheerios and putting them in your mouth . Often as you are eating them you say " MMMMmmmm ! ! " either because they are so good or because you are so excited . A lot of times I will give you Cheerios as hors d ' oeuvres while I am warming your real food . It keeps you occupied and entertained , your dad and I can go ahead and eat our dinner while you are snacking on your Cheerios . I 've tried giving you other finger foods , such as bits of banana or kiwi , but if the item is squishy you have trouble picking it up and getting it to your mouth . You 'll get better at it , I know , but for now , Cheerios are a must . Your dad and I both ran the Illinois Marathon this month . It was your dad 's 7th marathon and my 9th . It was my first one back since having you though . You had a good time playing with your grandma and grandpa while your dad and I were running , but you didn 't eat while we were away . You little stinker ! ! I don 't know why you won 't take a bottle or eat your food if mama isn 't there ! I got to see you at Mile 11 , which was the best part of the marathon for me . I tried to run as fast as I could so that I could get back to you sooner . I realized that doing this marathon was the longest I 'd ever been away from you . I didn 't like that one bit . I was so happy when I finished and came home and got to hold you again . You don 't cry nearly as much as you used to when you were little and newly born . You laugh a lot these days . Just last weekend we were in the grocery store together and you looked up at me and smiled . I smiled back at you , and then you smiled even bigger . Then you started to giggle , which made me giggle , and then the two of us were giggling to our hearts content as we walked up and down the aisles of the store . Neither of us knew why we were giggling , but that didn 't matter . It was so much fun . May 1st was the 2nd Annual Illinois Marathon . Being that I was pregnant and puking last year , I only managed the 5K . This year , when Boston filled up before I had registered , I immediately set my sites on the Illinois Marathon , right here in Champaign - Urbana . In many ways , I was more excited for Illinois than I had been for Boston . After all , it would be the first time I would be able to sleep in my own bed at my own house the night before a marathon . Although I started running again 8 days after Will was born , training did not go smoothly . I had a newborn baby , for crying out loud . I defended , revised , and deposited my dissertation in the middle of all of this . There was snow and ice everywhere for the first couple months of training . And it was cold . I had injury after injury . Will started refusing to take a bottle , which made my long runs stressful . A fast time was never my goal for the marathon . I just wanted to cross the finish line in one piece . Based on the pace I was able to maintain during training runs , I thought maybe I could do it in about 5 hours . And I sincerely hoped Will would take a bottle that day . By the time the marathon rolled around , I was seriously burned out , and not just from taper madness . We have had a recent death in the family , and everything following that was ( and continues to be ) so , so awful . I wasn 't sure if I would or even could still run the marathon after all of that . I finally decided to go ahead and do it because there was no real reason for me not to , but I just could have cared less about the marathon by this point . The night before the race , I was only able to sleep about 4 hours , and it wasn 't because of Will . He sleeps pretty well for the most part now . I was just too worked up in grief and sadness ( I 'm in the anger stage now , which is actually better in many ways than just being sad about it ) and couldn 't get my mind to shut down . Rob 's parents arrived to babysit while I was in the middle of a crying jag in the bathroom . We had about a half an hour before we had to leave the house , and Will was still sleeping . I finally woke him up to nurse him before we left , and he was most unhappy with me . He was groggy and kept falling back asleep while I was trying to nurse him . Rob and I left the house and I felt completely unprepared to be running a marathon . I finally forced down a Clif Bar but felt for all the world like it would come back up again . I had grabbed a banana before we left the house , but I couldn 't make myself eat it . I carried it around for a long time , thinking my stomach would feel better , but it didn 't . I ended up running with the banana for the first 3 miles of the race and then ditching it along the side of the road . What I wished I 'd brought with me was some water . I was really thirsty before the race began , which even in my hellish state I knew was a bad sign . By 7am , it was hot ( how hot I don 't know . . . . I was warm standing outside in just shorts and tank top ) and ridiculously humid . I wished Rob good luck and went to the start line , positioning myself around the 4 : 30 pace group and wondering if that was a huge mistake ( i . e . , was it too fast for me ? ) . I stood there and waited forever . I wished that I wasn 't so boxed in and could have found my friend Aimee who was running the half . I had lined up near where I thought she would be , hoping we could run together before the half marathon and full split off . But with 13 , 000 other runners out there , I never did find her . The 5K runners were supposed to start at 7am , but they were delayed by around 10 minutes for some reason . Their delay translated into an even further delay for the marathon and half runners . By 20 minutes past start time , I was growing ridiculously impatient and frustrated . Every minute they delayed the start was another minute I had to spend away from my baby ! Didn 't these morons realize that ? ( I don 't really think that the people in charge of the race are morons , but at the time I sure did . ) Finally without any warning , we were off . Rob ( who was at the front of the pack ) said they actually said " go " or something like that , but way back in 4 : 30 - land I heard nothing other than the conversation of the two girls next to me who were doing the half and both had worn make up and were wondering if their mascara would run ( to their credit , I 'm sure they were really nice , I was just in no mood ) . Anyway , at first I wasn 't sure if the race had actually started , because we were just sort of meandering forward in a slow walk , then stopping for several seconds , then meandering forward again , but eventually we reached the start line and could pick it up to a slow jog . It was really crowded at first , and I had a lot of trouble getting into my own pace . In addition , I was very thirsty . I thought , surely there will be a water stop soon . I was running near the right side of the road and saw a hash mark with a number 1 in a circle , and I thought . . . was that really the Mile 1 marker ? No other marking ? I wouldn 't have even seen it if I 'd been in the center of the street . Surely there would be water soon . My mouth felt like there was cotton in it . Along Green Street , there was an area littered with used , empty paper cups - - remnants of some water station . Had there been a water station there for the 5K , and did they remove it for the marathon ? Why on earth would they have done that ? Still running , still thirsty and still no water . Out of campus town now . A family had set up a small card table with a pitcher of water and some paper cups outside their house . I momentarily paused , thinking it was an official water stop , but then realized it was too small . Dozens of other runners had stopped there though . I went on past , thinking there was too little water for all those people and sure that there must be an actual water stop up ahead . I was momentarily distracted by a little boy who had come outside of his house and was playing the clarinet . Cute . Finally I could see a water stop approaching . We had to be almost to the 3 mile mark now . And volunteers were handing out . . . empty paper cups . " Sorry , we 're out of water , " they were saying . " You 've got to be kidding , " I mumbled through parched lips . Just up ahead there were more volunteers , pouring water into our paper cups from a pitcher . I wondered how a single pitcher of water was going to fill the paper cups of hundreds of runners around me and how I would ever manage to get any . I had to wait in a jumbled line of thirsty runners , but eventually got a half a cup full of luke - warm water . The next couple of water stops were the same . . . out of water , waiting in line to get a small amount . I was actually getting really panicky . The temperature was supposed to be in the high 70 's by the end of the race , and I had been thirsty before it had even begun . I realized , this must be what it 's like in the back of the pack . I sincerely hoped that Rob had avoided these problems , way out in front . He has a lot of trouble in the heat , and I knew he really , really needed to stay hydrated . After the first 3 water stops , I never had another problem throughout the rest of the race . And the miles were marked really well after that too . By about Mile 7 , they had gatorade as well , and at each station I took a full cup of water and a full cup of gatorade . I ended up staying really well hydrated , probably better than any other marathon I 've done . At Mile 8 we entered Meadowbrook Park , a location where I have run hundreds upon hundreds of miles in my life . It got really congested again . We 'd gone from having the width of the street to run on to the width of a sidewalk . It was a little ridiculous . I 'd been running 9 : 45 to 10 - minute miles , but my first mile in the park was 10 : 30 . After that I ran on the grass bordering the sidewalk , so as to not be way - layed by runners even slower than myself . Seriously , if they include Meadowbrook again next year , I think it would be better to do it after the half and full marathon runners split off from each other . Way out front where Rob was , he said he didn 't have a problem , so I guess it was more of an issue for us in the back of the pack . Near Mile 11 , I got to see Will , which was by far the highlight of the marathon . He was out in his stroller with Rob 's parents to watch the race . I stopped long enough to kiss him and make sure he was okay , and then was on my way . Seeing him bolstered me enough to run faster for the next several miles and ignore the fact that we had left the tree - lined shady streets of Urbana and were running in the direct sun . Despite the heat and sun , I felt great ( actually a lot better than I had at the beginning of the race ) . At some point in there I caught up with and then passed the 4 : 20 pace group , and I wondered if I could hang on . By Mile 18 , I was starting to feel a little tired . Around Mile 19 , we entered the one part of the course I had not run on before . I was still okay , but feeling just the slightest indication that I was beginning to enter the crazy zone . I had my cell phone with me and thought , hmmm , maybe I 'll call my mom just to say hi . So I did . My mom thought it was a riot that I had called her while I was running the marathon . Pretty soon I was passing Mile 20 and then 21 and still had not gone over the edge into the crazies . My mom went to her computer and pulled up a map of the course so she could follow along . I 'd only meant to say hi , but by the time I was at Mile 23 , my mom said we might as well keep talking until I crossed the finish line . She thought that would be cool to hear all the cheering as I ran through the stadium where the race ended . The course was fairly sparse by that time , but the other runners around me must have thought I was talking to myself and was crazy . I didn 't really care though . I knew it was probably using up energy to talk ( even though my mom was mainly talking / cheering for me and I was just listening ) , but for some reason I felt like that was what I needed to get to the end . In retrospect , I feel really bad for keeping my mom on the phone with me for the last 7 miles of the marathon because I 'm sure she had other things to do . It really helped get me to the end though . I never felt bad ; I never had any of those ugly terrifying miles when you just want to lay down on the side of the road and cry . Somewhere towards the end , my friend Cara called me too . It was awesome , like having my very own cheering section . Miles 22 through 24 dragged on a bit , but I managed to keep it around 10 : 00 pace . I knew I would make it . It wasn 't pretty , but the faster I ran , the faster I would be able to get back to Will . Once we finally turned onto Armory Street , I knew I was home - free . I have run this part of the course hundreds of times and felt like I was on my own turf . We turned onto Hessel Blvd and I cruised to the end . Before I knew it , I was entering Memorial Stadium and running across the astroturf to the finish line . I had made it ! My finish time was 4 : 16 : 10 , which was almost an hour faster than I had thought I might be able to run . I guess the key to being happy with your marathon time is to set your expectations low . I found Rob and his dad in the stadium and we regrouped to head home . I really just wanted to get out of there and get back to Will . We 'd left around 6 : 30 in the morning to head over to the start line , and it was now after noon . That was the longest I 'd ever been away from him . And considering that he hadn 't nursed very well before we left , I was in a lot of pain and practically shooting out milk . I had to get home and feed that baby ! When we got back home , I found that my worst fear regarding Will and this marathon had come true . He had pretty much refused to eat anything , either baby food or milk , while I was gone . He nursed most of the afternoon and evening , which was fine by me because I needed to get rid of all that milk , and also I just got to sit there and hold him , which was what I wanted to do more than anything in the world . I 'm glad I ran the Illinois Marathon this year . It was my 9th marathon , and my first one back since having Will 8 - 1 / 2 months ago . I figured this would be my slowest marathon yet , but my finishing time was actually about 2 minutes faster than my first marathon , some 7 years ago . It was one of the smoothest marathons I 've ever run - - the volunteers were great , and I had my mom and Cara talking to me on the phone during the final miles . Plus , after having given birth , everything else feels kind of pale in comparison . Anyway , everything is just kind of rough because of the awful sadness that is going on in my family right now . Running a marathon just seemed inconsequential . There are bigger things to focus on . Please continue to keep my sister and her husband ( and my mom , who is the glue who holds us all together ) in your thoughts right now . My sister and her husband were expecting their second child this summer , but the baby died just 10 weeks before he was due to be born . They named him Jackson Reynolds . We are all devastated . Please keep my sister and her husband in your prayers and send them all your love and support right now . |
Posted on July 2 , 2016 by lphillipstales Friday July 1st was a wonder filled day . It was my 2nd brother 's birthday so I thought of him while I ate a great breakfast of scrambled eggs with cheese in them , some toast and juice . Oh and lots of coffee . I prayed for him and his family . Thought of the times we shared coffee and laughter . Empty the suitcase of those things I always take too many of when I travel . I just got back from the Christian Storytelling Conference in Normal Illinois on Sunday and have been too busy to get that thing empty and put away . That was an awesome conference . I presented a workshop and got to tell stories too . What a great bunch of people and what a lot of fun and laughter . Well , I got part of the list done . I made the bed and practiced stories . Worked on some of the things I needed to catch up on as the event manager for the White Mountain Storytelling Festival ( not on my list ) . Then I went to tell stories at Stonewall Farms . It is an hour and a half drive so I got time to practice . I began my storytelling to a fairly large group of kids ranging from 5 to 12 years of age by asking them how many of them had been to camp there before . I would say about half of them had been . Then I asked if they had been there when I told last year . Many of them had . " Good , then you might remember this story that I am going to tell first . You can help me with it . " It was the story of Sun Boy taken from a Margaret Reed McDonald book . One of the oldest stories told and certainly the oldest one I know . It comes from the Mayan tradition . I tell it as a participation story . I went on to tell a few more stories . One I wrote about a little girl who wanted to learn to fly and kept asking her mother why she couldn 't and when she could until her mother sent her out to play . She asks all the animals she encounters in the back yard and even climbs way up in a tree to ask the birds . There she finds a nest of baby birds and all they do is cheep and ask for worms . Finally the mother bird comes home and tells her to leave her babies alone . When she asks mother bird how to fly she says jump . But the girls says " I can 't I don 't have feathers or wings . " Finally the mother bird tells her " When my babies grow up they learn to fly . Perhaps you just need to grow up too . Then you will be able to do anything you want to do . " The girl climbs back down the tree and goes in for lunch . Her mother confirms what the bird told her . When you grow up you can do anything you want to do . You can be anything you want to be . Before I started that story I asked if anyone had ever wanted to fly and a girl about 8 or 9 years old got all excited and said yes . There was a light on her face and in her eyes that told me she really wanted to learn to fly . As I finished the story and said you too can be anything you want to be her face once again lit up and she didn 't stop smiling for a long time . One young boy perhaps 9 years old came up to me all smiles and excitement and asked me if I remembered giving him a stone last year . I said yes I did . He told me he still had it . It is in his rock collection . I asked him if it still had the story on it and if he remembered it . He said " Yes I picked the one with the yellow in it . The story is Sun Boy . " He also has other stones and some of them have stories on them as well . I would love to hear him tell them . So why do I do this ? I do this for those reasons . For the children that need to know they can do anything they want to as they grow . I do it for the ones who love the stories and keep the stones . I do it for the ones who need to know that someone cares and they are special . I do it so the stories will continue . I do it so the Mayan tales and the Scottish Folk tales and the old and the new stories of all kinds will continue to live in the hearts of the people . Why do I only get half my list done ? Or why do I do things that are not on my list ? I am not sure if any of that matters at the end of the day . It will all be right there tomorrow and one day if it is important it will get done ? The 11th annual Granite State Story Swap has come and gone all too soon . I feel the letdown of work well done and gone too swiftly . I feel the joy of reminiscing and the sight of great friends seen only a few times each year . I feel the happy release of something gone very well and having served many people many ways . Lunch consisted of healthy and delicious soups , salads and sandwiches . If anyone left hungry it wasn 't because there wasn 't enough . We had plenty and hopefully everyone enjoyed it . We are grateful to Hannafords , Shaws , Panera Bread , The 3 Sisters ( Carol Nichols , Cora Ciampi & Lauretta Phillips ) Angela Klingler , Kim Hart , Sharon Wood , Ruth Niven , Bruce Marcus and I am sure some others I am missing for providing us with this terrific lunch . We make a donation to a charity from each event we hold . For The 2014 White Mountain Storytelling Festival it was Whole Village Family Services in Plymouth . We will let you know where we are sending the donation from Granite State Story Swap . Our featured speaker , Doug Lipman , sent out a challenge about how we were going to change the story of our society through the stories we each tell . He did this with such graciousness and care that many of us felt loved into accepting the challenge and decided to make this part of our storytelling mission . Changing the world as we know it one story at a time . When he finished speaking we all cheered and weren 't sure we wanted him to be done . Tell us more Doug . Teach us to be that kind of storyteller who has the best for the world in our hearts and minds and stories . Stories that teach the world to care enough . Thanks to all those who helped out as volunteers and all those who just stepped in and helped out . Those who helped set up food and put it away . Helped clean up the kitchen so the birthday party could come in that space and those who helped to clean up and get us out of the learning center as close to 5 : 30 as possible . Ela Ramsey even vacuumed the floor saving us $ 50 for a janitor . Thank you all for a job well done . I have 1 lost and found item . A purple metal water bottle . Anyone missing one , message me and tell me how to get it to you please . So now , the day after the day after Granite State Story Swap , I am already thinking of next year and our next featured speaker Elisa Pearmain . But first … . White Mountain Storytelling Festival September 25 - 27 , 2015 where we will be wowed by Carolyn Stearns and a whole bunch of fantastic storytellers . Papa Joe was right when he said during the annual membership meeting that we were there to serve . That is what I feel we should be doing and are doing for our membership . We served up a good one this time folks . What a joy . During our membership meeting it was announced that Lauretta Phillips , Andy Davis , Angela Klingler , Ruth Niven & Peter Brodeur 's board terms will be over the end of June . Peter Brodeur and Ruth Niven elected to run for another term . Papa Joe Gaudett , Claire Chandler & John Sanders were elected to 3 year terms and Peter Brodeur and Ruth Niven were reelected for another 3 year term . Lauretta Phillips not be on the board but will remain as a board consultant and Event Manager . Andy Davis suggested that he would be willing to stay for a 1 year term . At the present time our by laws do not include 1 year terms . That would take a change in our bylaws and will be discussed at our next board meeting . It is possible that we could bring him back if someone cannot complete their term as an interim board member however . Angela Klingler has decided to not run for another term but to stay on the Event Committee . Ruth Niven our treasurer gave a report on the condition of our finances . Papa Joe gave a report on the membership committee . Sharon Wood gave us the Volunteer committee and introduced Joey Talbert . I am sure I have missed some of this meeting as I write it here but we will have the minutes posted to the website soon I am sure as Sharon Wood is a very efficient secretary . Posted on August 25 , 2014 by lphillipstales Today I woke up smiling . My first thoughts were " it 's Monday and I have a lot of things to do and I can choose which ones I want to do when or not do them at all . " Today I have only one obligation . My regular Monday 10 am meeting with my staff and my business partner . After that I am free to get the garden weeded or the canning done or clean my office or finish getting the things done for White Mountain Festival or clean house or read a book or write or work on my newest quilt or one I haven 't finished yet . Guess I better make a list and prioritize it . Top of the list ? Write . I fight making lists because it ties me into doing the things on it but I make them anyway because some days like today , I would probably just go out on the deck and read or write all day . That is not a bad thing but it is not what I really need to do today . When I do that I want it to be because I chose to do that and did not have anything pressing down on me to make me feel guilty for enjoying the day . I decided a long time ago to set aside time to play and relax . When I set that time I can do anything my heart desires and feel free to do it . So today I better make lists . I need to be on target for the White Mountain Storytelling Festival . I am excited about the festival this year . We have a fantastic line up of tellers with our feature being Odds Bodkin . It is going to be very good . There are letters to write , questions to ask , posters to post and lots more things to do . The festival is September 26 - 28 , 2014 at Waterville Valley , NH starting with Ghost Stories at 7 : 30 pm Friday night . There are events going on all day Saturday and Odds Bodkin is performing twice . Some of the fantastic tellers that are joining us are Lani Peterson , Mike Lockett , Geraldine Buckley , Joey Talbert , Andy Davis , Peter Brodeur , Sharon Wood , Papa Joe Gaudet , Angela Klingler , Mike Lang , Mark Chamberlain , Shelley Hersey , Cora Ciampi Ruth Niven Simon Brooks and myself . That is going to be the first list . I need to get ready for our trip to Scotland and Amsterdam September 11 - 21 , 2014 . I am getting excited about that trip . My daughter and my oldest Sister are going with me to Scotland and Amsterdam . We are going to see things and be tourists and to find some of our family heritage . We are originally from the Huntly 's of the Gordon Clan . As a matter of fact I could find us way back to 1047 . Now to see some of our history and some of our family stories at the places they happened . Then it is off to Amsterdam to visit a friend . We have been friends for about 30 years or more . He was hitchhiking in America and we ( my husband , daughter and myself ) were visiting my sister Cora and her family in Wyoming . We were driving in the mountains and stopped to pick him up . Cora and Dave took him home to their house for dinner . The same place we were staying . We became friends then and have written to each other ever since . I have been to visit him once when my daughter and I went to London and Amsterdam 10 years ago . He has been here numerous times and stayed here in New Hampshire with us for a week once . I need to work in my canning kitchen today . Putting up Broccoli an Cauliflower in the freezer and canning green beans and doing something with baseball bat sized zucchini . And the garden needs weeding and the beets need pulling and the greens … I made another list today . Earlier in the quiet of the morning . Way before the sun tried to break thru the edge of night . During that space between dark and light when the earth pauses and takes a deep breath to get ready for another day . I was deep in thought and praise and you came to mind . I made a list of you all . All the of you in my family plus all those friends who came to mind as I was meditating this morning . There were many . Each one of you has a special place in my heart that no one else on the list or off can fill . Each one has a special memory and a special joy connected with your name . I am not sure where each of you are at this moment or am I sure where you are on this spiritual journey that we all are on . I am sure that you each have a special place in my heart and a special place in the heart of God . So I made the list and I called out your names and I held each of you up to God . I asked for blessings for you and safety on your journeys . I asked for peace and prosperity for each of you . I called out your name to God and He listened . I was desperate in need of a job . I found the ad in the Sunday paper that I got from the store on Monday . They let me buy it even if it was a day late because I wanted the ads . Not just the help wanted ads either . I wanted all those flyers they stuff inside there so I could cut the coupons . That is right , I was a coupon cutter . Not necessarily a coupon user they often expired before I found the need for what they were selling but I just knew if I cut all those coupons out I would save a lot of money . I cut them all out and carried them with me all the time . I knew I would find something in that stack of coupons that I really needed and I could save money on it . Now I am not poking at coupon cutters . Oh no . I am serious about cutting coupons . My daughter even bought me one of those coupon organizers . But wait , I read the Side Tracked Sisters books a long time ago . I bet I still had them somewhere on the shelves . They would tell me how to organize my coupons . I decided to go look for the books . Finally I found them among the cook books and noted that I could organize my coupons by type of food and stuff or by expiration date or both . Well enough of that , I needed to go into town and see if I can get an interview for this temporary job I found in the paper . I stuffed all the coupons in my purse along with the old ones and vowed to clean them out later . I made sure I had an abundance of pens in there too . Pens are always running out of ink just when you need them so go prepared you never know when you are going to need one to jot down a thought or idea for a story or someone 's phone number or something . I added a couple of sharp pencils just for good measure . Go prepared . That is my moto and I am sticking to it . I heated the water on the propane stove and filled my shower bag . I liked to hang it in the trees outside . There is nothing like an outside shower . I had a platform in a group of three trees with a nice curtain hung around about them . Makes a beautiful place to shower . But I was in a hurry so I took the shower bag to the back room where I had rigged an inside shower and showered and washed my hair . I put on my nicest skirt and blouse even tho it was a bit too warm for it and headed off on the mile and a half trek to my car . One of my neighbors , Charlie was standing at the head of the trail waiting for his dog and he had the biggest smile on his face . I thought what a nice guy he was . Besides I loved his dog Sam . Sam was a golden retriever and he came to visit on a daily basis . He also came whenever there was a storm . He hated storms . Coming up out of the woods I looked like a crazy woman . Long skirt , flushed face and hair standing out about a foot and a half on each side of my head . Good thing I kept a comb and brush and some spray in my car . With hair like mine you needed a lot of spray . I got in my car pulling my hair in after me and started it . Then I caught sight of myself in my rearview mirror and knew why Charlie had such a big smile . I pulled out my comb and brush and started to work to get this mass of reddish brown bush under control . I could not possibly interview for a job looking like the witch of the woods . By the time I had started using the spray I had all the windows open and was not being bothered by a single black fly or mosquito . I drove into town and found the place after a couple of stops at various stores and gas stations . Why can 't anyone just give you clear directions ? They all say It 's just down the road a piece or take a right at Main street and a left at the 2nd stop on Sheppard and two blocks left on such and such . They expect you will remember all that and they forget to tell you that first you have to turn on Sheppard and there isn 't any street sign . Well I digress . I did find the place after a fashion and went in . You had to take an elevator to the 5th floor . As I waited for the elevator everyone seemed really friendly and smiling . I smiled back . I had faith that I was going to get this job . God knew I needed it . I had been telling Him for weeks . So up to the 5th floor I went . I found the office and went in . The receptionist smiled . I loved this place . Everyone was so happy and friendly . I knew I wanted to work for these people . I waited my turn and took the required tests . You had to take a typing test , a math test and a grammar test . I know I did pretty well on all of them . I thanked God the math test was about adding long columns and using a calculator instead of algebraic formulas or something . I hated math . Finally I got an interview . The woman was friendly and nice . She kept smiling at me . Sometimes she looked down at her desk when she asked her questions and when she looked up I noticed a gleam in her eye like laughter held in to almost the bursting point . I couldn 't imagine working where everyone was so happy and nice . I really wanted this job and I had faith that if it was the right one for me God would see to it that I got it . The interview was over . I said my goodbye 's with a promise to call the next afternoon . They wanted me to work for them and thought that I would fit in this one place they had in mind but needed to contact them first . I was elated . I smiled my biggest smile . I walked to the car . By the time I got there it was down about my ankles and I just stepped out of it and picked it up and threw it in the back seat . I got in and turned on the car . I rolled down the windows and took a deep breath . I not only got the job but I went on to make a great name for myself with the company and the companies they worked with . I was requested often . My boss never did forget the interview with the sliding slip and the stiff hair . Every once in a while she would break out in laughter when I came to turn in my time slips or just to see how things were . I brought it up once after I had been with them a while and they all laughed out loud about it . She said she hired me because if I could go through an interview with that kind of thing going on and never crack a smile she knew I would be able to handle most anything the employers handed out . I never did tell her that I didn 't know about the slip till I got out of the elevator on the way to the car . Oswald Chambers in his book Faith A Holy Walk says " Faith is not convincing ourselves that we have God 's stamp of approval on our plans , it is believing that God 's plans are better than ours . Biblical Faith is not about taking risks , it 's about taking on the identity of Jesus . It 's not about having the audacity to do what is foolish , it 's about having the courage to do what is difficult . It 's not about running in the dark , it 's about walking in the light . It 's not about believing what people say about God , it 's simply about believing what God says . " When my feet hit the floor , the first thing out of my mouth was " where is the coffee ? " That 's not usually the way I wake up . My day usually starts out with " Good morning Lord " and then stretches and lifts and rolls before I even set up . Sleeping has a tendency to make this old body stiff and I need to work out some of those kinks . But not this day . This day I did not WANT to get up . I did not WANT to exercise , I did not want to open my eyes . So why bother ? I had things to do . Sometimes you just have to do what you do not want to do . I learned that lesson as a very young child when I HAD to watch brothers and sisters and help with the chores . I usually just wanted to read or play or imagine great things instead but the work must get done and the kids need to be kept safe and … Well you know the drill . So when I got up I was ornery . My mom would have said I got up on the wrong side of the bed . She would have put me to some busy task to keep my mind and body occupied until I got a better attitude . She would say " get an attitude of gratitude young lady " Now I know this comes as a surprise to you all but I am not always an easy person to live with . I don 't even pretend to be . But usually I can keep my attitudes to myself . Sometimes it sneaks up and bites me like a snake or yells " SURPRISE you are having one of those days " . The best thing I can do when I am having one of those days is to run into my office and shut the door and not come out till I have had time to have an attitude adjustment and that could take all day . But sometimes contact with other human beings just can 't be helped . Okay so on this particular day , I was ornery to one of the people who is a great friend and wonderful volunteer . Darn it all . I need to keep my mouth shut when my first instinct is to shout " YEAH WHAT DO YOU WANT ? " when I answer the phone . I don 't have any excuses . I apologized we talked and settled the problem we needed to solve and feeling like a complete idiot , I hung up . 5 minutes later it was my cell phone that was buzzing . Yep here I was feeling like yelling again . Must need food or more prayers or … Immediately I want to bite my own tongue off . Shoot , my big mouth gets me into trouble a lot . I can 't tell you how many times in my life I have had to say I was sorry because my quick mind and bad temper let my mouth become a garbage disposal . I know others do not need to be on the short end of that stick or take the heat of my bad behavior . How could I who was given the gifts of writing and speaking use my gifts in such a negative way ? Now I was really in a mood . One of remorse and negativity along with an ugly temper . Oh boy , this will never do . Funny , I used to tell my employees that they had 5 minutes in the back room to kick themselves for screwing up and then they needed to come back out with a smile and get on with the business of business . Well I had to take that one step further and give myself time to say I was sorry and time to get forgiveness . Especially from me . Well today is a better day . Once again I kicked myself for most of the day for being like that and then remembered it wasn 't about me but about forgiveness . God forgives me even before I know I have done wrong . I need to forgive myself and move on . It is easy to say you 're sorry when you really mean it . Funny how difficult it is to forgive yourself . Maybe you don 't feel as though you deserve forgiveness and probably you don 't but God doesn 't see it that way . He sees with eyes that can only look at us through His Son . He forgives especially when you don 't deserve it . If I had to wait for His forgiveness until I deserved it , I would have to wait a lifetime . Strange how quick this lesson was brought home to me and on Easter weekend too . Today I know I am forgiven . By the people I was rude to , by myself and most of all by God Himself . Forgiven is a state of being , a be attitude . I want to always stand in His light , knowing I am forgiven by others , by myself and by Him who gave more than any of us possibly could HIS SON . So why would He do that ? Why would He sacrifice His Son when we are not and never can be worthy of the sacrifice ? I have to remember it isn 't about me . It is about Him and His love . He created us in His own image . He breathed His own breath of life into us . He watched as we fumbled and stumbled and became arrogant and prideful . He took away our messes and gave us His forgiveness and His everlasting Love . We love Him because He loved us first . How can we accept that forgiveness and that love if we don 't first forgive ourselves and love ourselves ? I love horses . We used to ride horses almost every day . I was a young wife and mother living just outside of Wellington , Kansas . It was a hot dusty summer and there was not much shade in the pasture . The horses would stay in the shade of the barn during the heat of the day . They would stand first on one leg and then another resting and often leaning against the barn . Attached to the barn was a small corral . We brought the horses in each morning and night and fed them a bit of hay and grain even when there was enough food for them in the pasture . That was so I could check on them and their health , exercise and handle them and keep them from returning to their wild ways . Most of those horses had come off the range down by the Oklahoma border having not been handled until they reached the age of three . The ranchers would drive in the herd , tag all the new foals , select most of the 3 year olds and take them to auction . Having a halter put on them as they went to auction was usually the first time they had ever been touched by human hands . When you bought one you usually weren 't sure what you were getting . It took a while to get them used to being handled and talked to . Another while to teach them to trust the lump of humanity on their backs . I was fairly good at those things . My husband worked for the railroad . He was gone sometimes two weeks at a time . It was left up to me to run the ranch and take care of our six - year - old daughter . My daughter really liked horses . She had a Shetland pony named Julie and a white gelding named Spook . Spook was gentle as he could possibly be . He would let her do just about anything and was very careful not to step on her when she was climbing under him . She rode him in parades and around the 4 mile circuit we used for exercise . My husband 's horse was another white one named Joker . Spook and Joker were both from the range . Joker was a stallion and what I called a man 's horse . He seemed to know when a woman or kid was on his back . He would really dumb down when a kid was riding and just plod along like he was about 100 years old . He 'd rather have a man to ride him . He didn 't care much for women and would act out if he thought he could get away with it . My mom came to visit once and she showed him who was boss right to start the day . They came to an understanding and whenever she wanted he gave her a wonderful ride . In fact he seemed to enjoy it . Each day while she was there he would come to the pasture fence to say hello to her . Only woman he ever did like as far as I ever knew . Almost every day we would select the horses that needed exercise and ride a 4 mile circuit . It was a mile to each road and we went the square . I had a quarter horse named Babe who could stop on a dime and give you 9 cents change . She had a foal by her side . I often rode one of the boarded horses and led Babe and her foal down to the neighbors at the end of the first mile . Where either the wife or one of the kids would climb up on Babe and finish the ride with us . The board horse that really needed the exercise was a horse named Ribbon . She was an overweight bay colored Morgan mare with a white diamond blaze beneath her forelock . She stood about 16 to 17 hands high . There is an old saying " one white sock buy them , two white socks try them , three white socks shy away , four white socks turn them away . She had 3 white socks . She was very independent and she had a tendency to be lazy . She could really go the distance when she wanted to but she didn 't always want to . Ribbon had a sister that was the same height and color as she . Her name was Blaze . Blaze was quite a bit trimmer than Ribbon . It was about the only way to tell them apart . Blaze had a sweet temperament and would usually run along side Ribbon and me . I often did not even need a lead rope for her . Lesa 's pony must have been related in the way back " greats " to Ribbon because she too only did what she wanted to do when she wanted to do it . When she was tired she would lay down and it didn 't matter if someone was on her back or not . When she didn 't want to walk she would walk over into the ditch and stop . Lesa was the only one who could get her to mind and that wasn 't often especially if Lesa was riding Spook . The pony would become jealous and give us a hard time but we did not leave her home because she would break down the gate and come after us anyways . It was easier to deal with her hard times and temper tantrums then it was to repair the gate . Eventually we would leave her standing in the ditch beside the road and go on ahead . When she realized we were not coming back she would run and catch up with us like a petulant child . Animals have internal clocks and horses are no exception . In the early evening all the horses would come up for grain and hay and attention . After they had all received the attention they needed , most of the horses would go out through the gate to the large pasture . That was the one gate on the ranch that stayed open . The only reason that gate was ever closed was to keep a horse in for a vet check or a visit from their owners or because a storm was brewing . Tornados in that part of Kansas were not unheard of and along with them usually came thunder and lightning storms . The fenced pasture covered close to 200 acres . There were two ponds in the pasture and the horses would gather around the ponds in the early morning and the late evening . They would gather around the small pond first . It was closest and it was fed by a spring so it was cool water . The mothers with foals usually stayed between the small pond and the paddock . The large pond was further away and often wild animals came to drink from it . There were many wild animals in the area . There were wild dogs , coyotes , foxes , birds of all varieties , sometimes deer and always snakes . Most of the snakes in the area were rattlesnakes . Once in a while you would see Garter snakes or Eastern racers but mostly you would see rattlesnakes . In the heat of the summer , schedules change and animals that usually move around and do things during the day become night creatures . It was a summer of very hot dry days and this particular day it had reached 105 ° in the shade by the house . We spent the afternoon resting and playing games in the house where it was a tiny bit cooler . We fed the horses and ate supper and Lesa went to sleep early . I am not one to sleep long at any one stretch . Mostly I get about four hours of sleep a night . It had cooled off considerably and I decided to take my usual nightly walk and check on the horses . That was when I learned the value of boots . I stood on the porch for a while in my nightgown letting the breeze cool me . I could hear the horses milling around coming back from the pond talking to each other rubbing each other 's backs and doing horse things . I went to the small corral where some of the horses were gathering around the hay and climbed up on the fence . I let my feet dangle over and rested there for a while . The moon was full and the stars were filling the sky as only the stars in Kansas can . I watched a shooting star and said money , money , money like mom had taught me . She always said it was good luck . A couple of the horses came over and nudged me looking for the treats I usually brought with me . I climbed down from the fence and walked with the horses in the corral . Manes needed scratching and noses needed rubbing and backs needed itching and everyone needed a treat . Suddenly I felt something under my barefoot that sent a chill through me much colder than any breeze could produce . Without thinking I leapt from the ground to Ribbons back . Of all the horses to surprise like that , Ribbon was the most unlikely . She started to jump sideways . I wrapped my legs around her belly and calmed her down with my voice . I tightened my hands in her mane and nudged her forward towards the corral fence . When we were close enough to the fence , I jumped from her back and climbed up on the fence . I looked over to where I had stepped and there on the ground was a large rattlesnake . He had coiled up and raised his tail but had not given the warning . I am not afraid of snakes unless they startle me and that one sure did . My grandma was terrified of snakes and always said " the only good snake is a dead snake " and to her even the tiniest garden snakes were all deadly rattlers . I guess a healthy fear of deadly snakes is not a bad thing . Today I woke up smiling . My first thoughts were " it 's Monday and I have a lot of things to do and I can choose which ones I want to do when or not do them at all . " Today I have only one obligation . My regular Monday 10 am meeting with my staff and my business partner . After that I am free to get the crap out of this room or finish getting my tax papers ready or clean house or read a book or write or work on my newest quilt or one I haven 't finished yet . Guess I better make a list and prioritize it . Top of the list ? Write . I fight making lists because it ties me into doing the things on it but I make them anyway because some days like today , I would probably just light the fireplace , make some popcorn and read or write all day . That is not a bad thing but it is not what I really need to do today . When I do that I want it to be because I chose to do that and did not have anything pressing down on me to make me feel guilty for enjoying the day . I decided a long time ago to set aside time to play and relax . When I set that time I can do anything my heart desires and feel free to do it . I made another list today too . Earlier in the quiet of the morning . Way before the sun tried to break thru the edge of night . During that space between dark and light when the earth pauses and takes a deep breath to get ready for another day . I was deep in thought and praise and you came to mind . I made a list of you all . All the women in my family plus all those women friends who came to mind as I was meditating this morning . There were many . Each one of you has a special place in my heart that no one else on the list or off can fill . Each one has a special memory and a special joy connected with your name . I am not sure where each of you are at this moment or am I sure where you are on this spiritual journey that we all are on . I am sure that you each have a special place in my heart and a special place in the heart of God . So I made the list and I called out your names and I held each of you up to God . I asked for blessings for you and safety on your journeys . I asked for peace and prosperity for each of you . I called out your name to God and He listened . This is how much God loved the world . He gave his Son , his one and only Son . And this is why , so that no one need be destroyed . By believing in Him anyone can have a whole and everlasting life . When I think about God sending His ONLY BEGOTTEN SON that WHOSOEVER believes on Him shall have eternal everlasting life , I think " Hey , that 's me ! I am a WHOSOEVER . " My first reaction is pure joy . I am a WHOSOEVER . I have the choice to believe in HIM and have eternal life ! My next thoughts are why me ? What did I ever do to deserve even a few of God 's blessings let alone the final blessing of eternal life ? I think I am a good person but still , I am not worthy . I cannot keep all the commandments . I cannot always think holy thoughts nor do I always do what I know God would want me to do . I am getting better at it but I am not there yet and I know I will never be able to be worthy . So why ? Why me Lord ? Jesus said He came to full fill the law . By His death He did that . I cannot change the law or keep the law . If it was up to me I would be doomed because I can never be worthy . Wait a minute go back to the beginning . John 3 : 16 doesn 't say God loved the worthy . It doesn 't say you have to be worthy to be saved . What is says is just that God loved the world so much that He willingly gave his son . GOD LOVED THE WORLD . Just that . There is nothing more powerful than that love . ( selah ) Stop and think about it . WHOSOEVER indicates human beings . Human beings have the one thing other animals do not . They have free will . WHOSOEVERS have free will . They can will to believe or not believe . GOD LOVES WHOSOEVERS . GOD LOVES ME ! Nothing I do can change that . Nothing I do can make HIM love me more or less . How could He love me more ? He already loved me so much he gave up His only Son . He can 't love me more than that . Like Joyce Meyers says " it 's time to separate the WHO from the do . I cannot do anything to gain or lose His love . If He loved me less it would negate the sacrifice of His Son . He loves His Son so much that He would never negate the sacrifice of His blood for our salvation . By His blood we are redeemed . By His sacrifice we are saved . Because He loves us we have become blood brothers and sisters to Christ . We are now His children . FOR GOD SO LOVED … . We love Him because He first loved us so much that he gave up His ONE BEGOTTEN SON so He could have many chosen or adopted sons and daughters . All the WHOSOEVERS that WILL believe on HIM . There was ice on the falls today but what a day it was . Sunshine thru bare trees warming the earth . Almost winter here . The water is rushing over the falls to keep from freezing on its way to somewhere . Have you ever walked into a place or stepped onto a piece of land and suddenly felt at home ? At home even when you had never been there before ? This place was like that for me . I walked between the trees that make the entrance way to this place and stepped into a place of peace and reverence . I walked through the break in the stone wall that surrounds the " used - to - be " garden and set down on a rock . I love to sit on rocks . I have been known to sit on rocks all around the United States and in a couple other countries as well but those are stories for other times . I sat down and almost with out thinking my hand went to the notebook in my pack and I began to write impressions of this place . It was love at first sight . It wasn 't the look of the cabin . That looked like a shack on the outside and had special character on the inside . It wasn 't the remoteness of the place . It was just the feeling of coming home that drew me here again and again until I found a way to purchase it . Coming home was really important to someone who had moved from place to place and had called many places home with out ever really feeling at home . 21 years of sharing the peace of this place in stories . 21 years of knowing personally the animals who so kindly share this land with me . 21 years of writing . 21 years of accumulated joy . Today I come to say adieu . Sadness touches my heart as I walk the 1 and 3 / 10 miles to get to the property but as soon as I walk between those two sentinel trees , my breath comes easier and I can 't help but smile . Oh it isn 't the same as it was but nothing ever is . I had plenty of help to move the " stuff " out a couple of weeks ago . This is the first time I have seen the cabin almost empty . I open the big door and light comes streaming out across the floor from the big windows . It is a small space even when it is almost empty . A few things yet to do but wait … I am not ready to work . I am ready to sit down and enjoy the feeling of peace that seems to come over you at this place . I climb the half log steps that lead to the loft and look around . You can see the tops of bare trees through the windows . I remember the fall I panicked thinking there was a fire in the woods only to discover after much running around that it was the vibrant color of the trees and a low hanging smoke like cloud . I felt silly and just said good morning to the place and thanked God that it was just an illusion . Makes me smile just thinking about it . It is past fall almost winter . It is quiet . Things are asleep . I come down stairs and move the metal stove pipe hanging where the wood cook stove had stood . Suddenly I hear a familiar sound and look up . Sitting on the beam above the place I stood so many times to make coffee or cook meals sets Mrs Pottifer . She is a Deer Mouse . She often set on the beam above to see what I was doing and if I was making anything she might want a taste of . She used to come out on the rug at night when I was writing and eating popcorn and wait for me to drop her a few kernels . She once had 5 babies in the bottom of my bed ! We had a long talk about that . I told her today that someday soon she would need to find a new home . She understands and was not the least put out about it . She seems to accept things as all a part of the life we are living . We can learn much from creatures such as her . She has given me many stories . I go out and sit down on the porch . The chick - a - dees are in the birches . I remember the time I set in the garden and one landed on my outstretched hand . I brought my lunch today . I wonder if they would like a crust of bread ? I walk around and look at the land and the woods , the trees and the creek . I took this picture of the waterfalls on my phone . Ice is forming . At this place you can hear the song of the water all year . In the heat of the driest summer you can still hear it running off under rocks . In the winter it still flows under the ice singing muffled songs of olden days . In spring run off it is so loud you can almost hear yourself think but not quite . This brook has sung many lullabies . Today it is running fast and singing a joyful song . It is a fall almost winter day and ice is forming along the edges of the water even at the falls . As I climb the path back up to the yard I feel as though I am being watched . A doe is stepping lightly , silently across the edge of the opening . She has stopped alert to my sounds as I come into the clearing . She does not run away . She watches me and then slowly steps across the clearing into the woods behind the outhouse . I walk around and touch trees and pick up rocks and place them on the stone wall . I sit down on the porch and eat my sandwich and drink in the peace of this space . Suddenly I notice someone who was supposed to be asleep . He has chirped his hello to get my attention . It is Popcorn the chipmunk . He has popped up out of the garden wall to investigate or maybe just to check on my progress . He used to come in and fill his cheeks with popcorn while his spouse watched from the lilac bush by the window . When he had eaten his fill he would fill his cheeks and take some out to Mrs Popcorn and the little Kernels . I throw him a crust of the bread and he snatches it up . He runs back to his spot on the wall and then as though yawning he gives his sleepy adieu and disappears back into his own special place in the wall . Well it is time to go . I finish my lunch and the chores I came to do . Pick up a walking stick and my bag , close the door and walk between the opening in the stone wall and sit down for a minute on that special rock . Did I tell you I love to sit on rocks ? I know sometime I will return here and sit on this rock . I know and this place knows it is time to let go . To release this place to grow into what it and I can and will become . I am no longer sad . I am blessed . Blessed to have been the caretaker of this place for 21 years and 4 months . Blessed to have gotten an opportunity to know the animals who have resided here . The mouse Mrs Pottifer , the chipmunk PopCorn , the birds who sang for their supper , Mr Rocky Raccoon , the Bobcat that I did not name and the deer . There were others who just stopped by for a visit . There was a giant snapping turtle who passed through on her way to lay her eggs each year . A lone moose and the bear and the skunk who all let me know of their visits by the odors they left behind . Oh and THE SNAKE . There were snakes around to catch the insects but THE SNAKE left me his skin for a present every year . I haven 't seen him in awhile . He got really big and stopped coming in the house . Snakes don 't like moth balls and they don 't belong in the house anyway . I begin the long walk back to the parking place and am glad I am not in a hurry . My heart is singing . I stop to say hello at the fairy tree and to sit on rocks along the way . It is a new day and there are many more rocks to sit on as I go along in this world . Every day a new adventure . 21 years and 4 months of adventures here and I am blessed . But wait … I get in my car and back out of the parking area and begin to drive . I hear a noise and look in my rearview mirror . OH ! ! I am truly blessed . The hawk is following me . Shouting his blessing . He follows me to the cross roads . Lands in a tree and sits sentinel . I smile and sing all the way home . Posted on October 4 , 2013 by lphillipstales I love to sit on rocks . I started sitting on rocks when I was a little girl . As a matter of fact , I sit on rocks where ever I can find one that looks like it needs me to sit on it . I have been known to go out of my way to find a rock to sit on . When I was very young , all my sisters and brothers and I would spend time in a place we called fairyland . Fairyland was a place that had a small woods . There we used acorns and pieces of logs and rocks to make chairs and tables and cabinets . We set up house . We acted out our favorite fairytales . We stood on rocks and sat on them , using them for our chairs and our stage . As I grew up I often found places to sit that were solitary in nature . I found places to be alone and think of the things life had offer and the places life would take me in other words to daydream . I was often told by my grandmother and my mother " stop daydreaming Lauretta , it will get you nowhere . Good hard work and study , that 's what gets you where you want to go . " But I was a daydreamer and I still am . There was a rock to sit on at the edge of the lake a Grandma 's . It was a great fishing rock . I could throw my bobber and line into the water and just sit and dream . Sometimes I even caught a fish . I sat upon a rock in the desert in Arizona once . The friends I was traveling with didn 't understand about sitting on rocks and got anxious to leave and so we did . Only on the way down from the rock we picked up what appeared to be a bunch of small cactus that had no spines . Oh boy was that a mistake . Thousands of invisible spines were everywhere . In our clothes , in our hands , on our arms and legs . Everywhere you touched you spread them . An old Indian at the truck stop where we stopped to try to wash them away and change our clothes laughed and told us to burn some wood and rub the charcoal all over where ever those unseen spines were imbedded . We didn 't do it till we got to California . By that time , it was almost more than we could bear and I insisted . My friend Cherry whom we were visiting laughed and said the old Indian was right . Charcoal was the answer unless we wanted to just wait for them to eventually fall out . We burned wood and made charcoal . I loved sitting in the quiet desert on the rock but I did not love the " spineless cactus " . One time I was traveling in Wyoming visiting my sister and niece and nephew . We decided to go camping in the mountains . Just outside of Sheridan and Dayton there is a road called 14A . At some points the hairpin turns and lack of guardrails are frightening . You could easily slip off the mountain into deep ravines never to be found again . You can look down the side of the mountain and see where cars have gone off the side . You can 't tell if the people have been rescued or not but you do know that the cars are never recovered . As we were driving we came to a spot in the road that had a pull off . Beside the pull off was a tall solid rock . I pulled off the road and got out of the car . I decided at that point I needed to climb the rock and set upon it . I felt that I would be able to see all across the valley to Sheridan or Dayton . To this day that rock is called Lauretta 's rock . I have a picture of it . I began to climb . It didn 't really take very long it was a steep but easy . Once I got to the top , I found a relatively flat place to sit and looked all around the valley . I could see for miles and miles . It was like being on top of the world . The air was clear , the sky was blue with a few clouds whispering across the horizon . Dayton looked like a small spot in the far Valley . You could see the city of Sheridan 's skyline . You could see the dust come out behind the tires of a tractor - trailer as it came out on the road towards the mountains from Sheridan . The panoramic view was breathtaking . I sat for quite a few minutes and then I decided to turn around and see what was behind . There I discovered the ground came up almost to the top of the rock that I was sitting on . Over to the far side of the rock was what appeared to be a holy place . An altar made of stones and dressed with Sweet Grass . There was a stone bowl to hold the burning incense and the smell of burning sage and Sweet Grass still lingered . As I looked across the meadow I saw what appeared to be a Conestoga wagon . Off in the distance I could see a man , a dog and a flock of sheep . I wanted to know more about this man and this wagon and so I walked across the field . The dog ran to meet me . I stood still quietly waiting for the dog to approach . He sniffed of my feet and my jeans and placed his nose in my hands and then he wagged his tail . Wagging of the tail is a happy response so I reached down and patted the top of his head . Gradually I walked towards the man . He looked up from what he was carving . I could not tell what he was making and I did not ask . I said hello and introduced myself . His name was Billy Wickens . Billy came to herd the sheep every summer . Billy seemed pleased to see someone other than the dog and the sheep . I asked him about his life as a sheepherder . He said it was a lonely job that he did every summer . He taught science and math . He said he enjoyed the first few weeks of the summer as a break from all the chaos of school and adolesFinally we talked about the altar . He said that living in the Conestoga wagon for three months and being out in the wild brought him closer to God . This was his place to worship . He said sometimes he felt closer to God here than any other place on earth . Especially at night when the stars were particularly bright and during the times of the Aurora Borealis . I knew exactly what he meant . I too feel a closeness when sitting on a rock in the middle of an open field or in the middle of a garden or beside the ocean or in a clearing in the woods . It is then that you can often feel the presence of the creator . I am in awe of the hands that created this universe and this earth and all within . I found my place in New Hampshire by walking through the woods with my nephew Charley . We came into a clearing that had a rock wall around a garden space and what looked like an abandoned octagon building . I walked through the opening in the rock wall and found a place to sit on a rock . I sat down and immediately got the peace and gladness of the place . There are two great sit upon rocks in the garden . One is almost covered by juniper bush . I have to trim it back to keep it from completely hiding that rock . The other rock is quite large . You have to climb up on it instead of just setting down . Whenever I enter the garden the first thing I want is a notebook and a pen for there is a story just in the edge of my vision . This place in the woods of New Hampshire on the side of a small mountain is for me the most creative place I have been . Sometimes when I am writing it feels as though I have set upon holy ground . I think I know how this earth feels sometimes when the rains come and it opens to receive its much - needed drink or when the early morning sun touches the dew on the blades of grass or flowers and each drop holds its own secret . I am wonder filled and bow to the creator of the earth and sky . I am touched by the care and love that provides such a precious place for me to be . I know that everything has its season and that this to will end . But until that time I will thank God for his gracious gift of place . I breathe deeply of the presence of the animals the plants the sky and these rocks that I sit upon . |
The detective came into the room . He wore a sport coat and tie , the collar of his shirt open . He didn 't look at Jason when he came in the room . He tossed a small notebook onto the table , pulled a chair out , and sat down . He flipped the notebook open and scanned one of the pages . The detective looked up . " Haven 't I been friendly ? " He pointed to the empty Coke can on the table . " I got you a soda . " He flipped the notebook closed and smiled , but it looked forced . " We 're almost finished here . I just want to go over some things we talked about before . Now you said you and your friend , Logan Shaw , fought pretty hard the other night . You told me you landed a couple of good ones against the side of his head . " " Regan Maines . " The detective nodded . " So you two guys fight over a girl . Okay , no big deal , right ? Boys will be boys and all that . And you end up clocking your friend pretty good . Again , no big deal . Who hasn 't gotten into a little dust - up with one of their friends ? Happens all the time , right ? " The detective made a disapproving face . " Okay . Not all guys fight with their friends . Okay . So you fight with your friend , and you deck him , and then he goes off into the woods because he 's pissed at you . In fact , you said he was crying a little , right ? " " Easy . We 're almost finished here . I know your old man . He 's a good guy . " The detective scratched his head . " Okay , all of this stuff you 've done seems pretty normal to me , except maybe for the crying . But after that , after your friend goes off into the woods and you don 't see him anymore , that 's where it gets tricky for me . You see , here 's what I don 't understand . Your friend disappears after you have a fight with him , and you know everyone 's looking for him . By the way , his father , Mr . Shaw , he 's very upset about his son being missing . Very upset . " " Hey , " the detective said . " Don 't be smart . That man 's a good father . He 's a pillar of this community . He always does the right thing . And speaking of the right thing … you knew all these people were looking for Logan , the guy you punched upside the head , and yet , you didn 't tell us about that fight you had . Did you ? Not right away . You said everything seemed normal when you last saw him . But then a few hours later , after we 'd talked to some other people , you decided to tell us about this fight . Do you see why that doesn 't make sense to me ? " " Manipulative , I guess . He has moods . I figured he was just mad and wanted to take it out on all of us by going away for a while . He knew we 'd worry eventually . I didn 't want to give him the satisfaction of getting to me . When I found out people were worried … his dad , for example … I told you everything about that fight . That was three days ago . I 'm not hiding anything . " Someone knocked . The detective stood up and opened the door , revealing a uniformed police officer . The two men whispered about something , and the detective nodded his head . " Tell them we 'll be right out . We 're finished here . " He closed the door and came back to the table . " Your old man 's here . " Jason sat back in his chair . He looked at the detective 's face , the skin heavily lined , the eyes tired . He almost - almost - felt sorry for the guy . " Would he really do it ? " the detective asked . " His dad and mom are here . His friends . The family has a bunch of money . Would he run off and leave all of that ? " Jason and Nora were getting ready for bed when their front doorbell rang . They 'd already done the dishes and turned out the lights on the first floor , leaving just a lone bulb burning on the front porch . It was past ten . Jason held his toothbrush , and Nora looked startled . " Safer than New York I would hope , " he said . He didn 't know if she heard him . He slowed his pace as he approached the front door . No one ever just showed up at their house , especially late at night . He figured it was probably kids playing a prank , ringing the bell and running off . Jason leaned over and peered through the narrow window that ran parallel to the door . What he saw brought him up short . But Jason didn 't say anything . His hands felt sweaty as he undid the two locks and the chain and pulled the door open . She turned around as the door came open , and there , in the sickly pale glow of the porch light , Jason came face to face with his sister , Hayden , for the first time in five years . Jason was surprised by what he saw . Hayden looked … clean . Her hair , her clothes , her hands . All clean . She wore black slacks and black shoes and a neatly pressed blue button - down shirt . One hand rested on the sleek leather purse she wore over her shoulder and the other held a smart phone . She had always been tiny , almost frail . In the years since high school , when her drinking was at its worst and she was likely consuming most of her calories in the form of alcohol , Hayden always appeared fragile , her skin nearly translucent . She looked like that the last time he saw her , the time that caused the five - year break . When Jason hugged her or touched her during her longest benders , it felt as though her bones might snap beneath his touch . Like she was a bird . Jason undid the lock on the screen door and pushed it open . " Come in , " he said , stepping back . " Of course you can come in . Jesus , Hayden , I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to just stand here . " Hayden slipped past him and through the foyer , trailing the faint scent of cigarette smoke . Jason didn 't know what to do . He flipped on the lights in the living room and let his sister go ahead of him . Before anyone could say anything else , Nora was coming down the stairs , her bare feet slapping against the hardwood . She wore a modest , knee - length nightgown and brushed past Jason as though he wasn 't there . Hayden rose from the couch when she saw her sister - in - law . The two women hugged in the living room . They held onto each other and swayed side to side . Then they stepped back , and Nora gave Hayden a long appraisal . Nora nodded . " Yes , you do . Healthy , I guess I was going to say . But sober works . " The two women sat next to each other on the sofa and Nora asked , " What on earth are you doing here ? Are you moving back to town ? " Hayden looked up at Jason . He remained standing , his hand resting on the back of a chair . A tension hovered between the two siblings , something unspoken . As always , Hayden was the one most ready , most eager to give it voice . " Sure , " Jason said , but he still didn 't take a seat . " I 'm just kind of blown away . You 're the last person I expected to see on the porch . " Hayden maneuvered the purse around to her lap and undid the clasp . " I wanted to give you something , " she said . She dug inside and extracted a plain white envelope . She held it out toward Jason . " Here , " she said . " I want to give it to you , " Hayden said . " I 'm working now . I 've saved this money . I saved it to give to you . Please , Jason . Just take it . It will make me feel so much better knowing that you took it , that you let me off the hook just a little bit . " Jason came around the chair and sat down . He waved away the envelope that Hayden still held in the air between them . He crossed his legs and studied his sister . She looked good . She looked cleaned up and straightened out . But Jason also knew that meant nothing when it came to Hayden and her drinking . How many times had she been through rehab ? How many times had she quit only to start again with greater intensity ? " I do need something , " she said . " A favor . And I know I don 't have a leg to stand on with either one of you . But this is different . It really is . " Jason looked over at Nora . Her eyes widened , her head nodded ever so slightly . Go on , she was saying with the look . Go on . She 's your sister . Jason looked back at Hayden . An image from their childhood flashed into his mind . It was involuntary . Hayden … a little brown haired girl in a sandbox , holding a plastic bucket with one hand , the index finger of the other stuck into her mouth . She tottered , lost her balance and fell back on her butt , spilling the sand . Before she could cry , Jason , a year older and bigger , was there , helping her up . Receiving praise from their parents for his act of brotherly protection . " Actually , yes , there is . I was a bad sister , and I took advantage of your trust and hospitality . I just want you both to know I 'm sorry for that . " Shortly after Jason and Nora moved back to Ednaville , Hayden had come to visit . She was drinking then , heavily drinking . She showed up at their door with her hair matted and her clothes dirty . She smelled like she hadn 't bathed in a week . Jason remembered similar times with Hayden when they were in high school , and the tough love their parents eventually began to practice . Jason was still in that mode because he initially was reluctant to let Hayden stay , but Nora convinced him . She said family was family , and they were obligated to let her in . For two days , all went well . Hayden didn 't drink in front of them . She showered and washed her clothes . On the third morning , Jason and Nora woke up to a police officer on their doorstep . Hayden had taken the keys to one of their cars during the night and , after drinking at Apollo 's , a local bar , drove it into a tree . The police arrested her , and later that day Jason and Nora found four hundred dollars missing from a drawer in their house . They never saw Hayden after that . She never called or wrote or came by . " That sounded harsh , Hayden , but I want to know , " Jason said . " You 've apologized to me before , so I really want the reason behind this one . Is a shrink making you do it ? A minister ? It 's not Mom and Dad this time because they 're dead . " " It 's okay , " Hayden said . " I know why you feel that way . Yes , this is part of a program . And I understand that you think I 've done this before , and it 's okay if you 're suspicious . I 'd be suspicious of me , too . All I can say is that while I have apologized to you before , I never meant it before . I mean it this time . All of this is going to stick . The sobriety , everything . This is real . It 's who I am now . " Jason wished he had kept his mouth shut , that he had let Hayden say her piece without interjecting his own comment into it . So much of his life had been spent accommodating his sister , so much time had been spent walking on eggshells and blithely encouraging her in every struggle - both real and imagined - she engaged in that he no longer felt he could listen to her talk without challenging her assertions . But he had to admit Hayden looked different . And she did seem different . For the first time , the language she used about her recovery matched the reality she seemed to exist in . And he couldn 't ignore the feeling he had when he saw her silhouetted on the porch . The hope that sprang into his chest , the simple , deeply - rooted desire to see his sister again . " I understand , " Hayden said . " You don 't need to apologize . " Hayden raised the envelope toward Jason again . " So , " she said , " will you accept this as the beginning of restitution for the car and the money I took ? " Jason shook his head . " Just keep it , " he said . " Please . You can use it to start a new life or whatever you need it for . You can use it for - well , that brings me back to the question I asked you before . Where exactly is Sierra ? Is she … ? " A multitude of scenarios sprang into his mind . Had something happened to his niece ? Had Hayden lost custody or contact with her daughter ? " Just a minute , " Hayden said . " You see , I wanted to talk to the two of you alone before I brought her in . I wanted to talk to you in private . " Hayden nodded . She took the envelope , which had become wrinkled under the pressure of her grip , and stuffed it back into her purse . Her hand shook a little as she adjusted the clasp . When Hayden looked up again , Jason pretended not to have noticed the shaking . Hayden said , " I have something I need to do here in town . I can 't really tell you what it is , and I know that makes me look bad . I 'm sure that 's a huge red flag , and you may just tell me no . But I don 't want you to . I really don 't want you to . " " It is . " Hayden ran her hands over the tops of her thighs , back and forth like that , the skin making a light swishing sound against the material . When she resumed speaking , Jason detected a thin edge of anxiety in her voice , the sense that she wasn 't really in control of everything swirling around her . It was rare to hear that tone from Hayden . She was always cool , always assured . Even when she was at her worst and in the depths of her deepest struggles , she managed to sound as though she could handle whatever came her way . Jason knew Nora may not have noticed that edge in her voice , but Jason did . He 'd heard it a few times in his life and understood what it meant . " I don 't want to downplay the apology I owed to you guys because it was and is very important to me . But this is much more important in a way . It affects … well , I don 't want to say a lot more than what I 've already said . " " I can 't . Not because it 's really a secret or anything , although I guess it is . But more because … I don 't really know if it 's going to work . I don 't know what the end result is going to be , and some other people are involved . " She shifted her concentration directly to Jason as she spoke , boring in on him in a way that seemed to signal something he couldn 't quite understand . " A lot of people are involved . It 's delicate . " Jason didn 't know what she needed . " What 's the favor then ? " he asked . " If we don 't know what you 're doing , how can we help you ? " Hayden shifted her attention back to both of them . " It 's Sierra , " she said . " I need the two of you to keep an eye on her while I 'm taking care of this . It might be a day . It might be two . I 'm not sure . " " She is , " Hayden said . " She has a week to go in her junior year . But I took her out . I told the school we had a family emergency . They gave her some assignments and things to do and let her go . It 's fine . Sierra was born here , remember ? She lived here when she was a kid . She knows Ednaville . She likes it here . And I know she 'll be safe with the two of you . " " You know , some questions have been running through my head . Some basics . Where are you living now , Hayden ? " Jason asked . " We don 't know anything about what 's going on in your life . We don 't have an address or a phone number . What is happening with you ? " " Right . Of course . You deserve to know those things . That 's totally cool . I 'm living over in Smithfield . Redman County . It 's an hour away , Nora . That 's where Sierra is going to school . Redman Consolidated . I 'm working for a dentist 's office over there . I guess I 'm like the office manager . It was a stroke of luck to get the job . The dentist is in AA with me , and he needed someone to help . I 've been working there for a year . " Jason sensed the conversation was hitting a wall with Hayden . He said , " She can stay , but we 're both working , you know ? We won 't be around all day . " " That 's fine , " Hayden said . " Sierra can take care of herself . She 's not a baby . I just don 't want her alone all the time . " " It 's okay , Jason , " Nora said . " We can work something out so we can see a lot of her . I have some flexibility . " " You really don 't mind ? " Hayden said . She patted her purse . " I could leave this money for Sierra . She 's a teenager . She 's seventeen . She eats a lot and uses a lot of water . " " No , " Nora said . " Don 't be silly . But for God 's sake , bring her in . She 's sitting out there in the car all alone . " " Okay , " Hayden said . " I 'll text her and tell her to come in . " Her thumbs flew over the phone . " Done . " Hayden stood up . " She 's going to look so different to you guys . I guess you haven 't seen her since when ? " " I was working up my courage . I used to get that out of a bottle . I 'm still learning to do difficult things when I 'm sober . " Hayden shifted her weight from one foot to the other . " I guess you still see Regan , right ? " " Why are you bringing her up ? " Jason asked , his voice lowered . It was classic Hayden . Somehow , some way , she knew how to change the subject and throw Jason off - balance . " You always had a thing for her , " Hayden said . " I just figured since you were back in town and all , you 'd be seeing her . Obviously , I was right . " " I know , " Hayden said . Her voice dropped even lower than Jason 's . " I 'm sure … well , I 'm glad the two of you are friends . I 'm sure it 's good for her . That 's all I 'll say . " He didn 't get an answer . Jason heard Nora squeal at the front door and knew that Sierra had arrived in their house . He took one quick glance at his sister , and Hayden met his gaze . But he wasn 't sure what he saw there when they locked eyes . A plea ? Fear ? Jason took in the sight of his niece and the difference between the little girl he had last seen and the young woman who stood before him . Sierra appeared to be several inches taller than Nora , and her long hair , a lighter shade of brown than her mother 's , reached just past her shoulders . She carried a duffel bag in one hand and wore a backpack . She shrugged her shoulders as the scrutiny of the three adults continued , and when she arched her eyebrows and smiled Jason saw the strong resemblance between his niece and his sister . Except for the height , he could easily have been looking at a replica of Hayden when she was in high school . Although Jason quickly realized , based on a moment 's observation , that Sierra exuded a clear - eyed calm and maturity that his sister never possessed at that age . " Hi , Sierra . " He considered stepping forward and hugging his niece , but thought better of it . Would she want to be hugged by an uncle she hadn 't seen in years ? Sierra lowered the duffel bag to the floor with a soft thump and then slipped out of her backpack . " I 'm sorry we 're just barging in on you like this . I told Mom to call first , but she wouldn 't . It 's kind of rude , I know . " Jason turned to Hayden . " Yeah , what 's that they say ? Home is the place that when you go there , they have to take you in ? " " That 's Robert Frost , " Sierra said . All of the adults turned to look at her . " Sorry , I 'm studying for the AP English exam . There 's a lot of Robert Frost . " " We should all sit , " Nora said . " But I 'm going to run and get a robe . Jason , why don 't you put water on for tea ? Or would either of you prefer coffee , even though it 's so late ? " " Wait , " Hayden said . She walked the ten feet across the room to where her daughter stood . " I 'm just going to go while you 're upstairs with Nora . Okay ? " " Just come up when you 're ready , Sierra , " Nora said , moving toward the stairs . She cleared her throat and jerked her head , a not so subtle way of telling Jason that he needed to leave the room as well and give the mother and daughter privacy . Jason nodded to indicate that he understood and announced that he would put the water on in the kitchen , even though no one had said they wanted it . " I know I 'm turning your life a little upside down again , kiddo , " Hayden said . " But this is the last time . I promise . " Jason entered the kitchen . He stood at the island in the center of the room and filled the teakettle with water and turned the burner on . From his position , he could still see into the living room where his sister stood in front of her daughter . He couldn 't hear what they were saying to each other , but Hayden seemed to be doing most of the talking , looking up at Sierra who listened intently and nodded from time to time . Hayden reached into her purse and took out the envelope again , the same one she had offered to Jason earlier . She handed it over to Sierra who took it and stuffed it into the back pocket of her jeans . Hayden then reached up and kissed Sierra on the cheek . She put her arms around the girl and pulled her into a tight hug . Sierra rested her chin on Hayden 's shoulder and closed her eyes while the embrace lasted . They held each other that way , and Jason looked down , embarrassed that he had spied on such an intimate scene . He listened to the soft whisper of the gas flame as it heated the kettle on the stove . He and Nora had chosen not to have children and put their careers first . As the years went on , Jason found himself watching the interactions between parents and their growing children with the fascination of someone observing a mystery they would never fully understand . The subtle affection , the non - verbal communication , the loving gestures . " Thanks for doing this . Really . " Hayden reached up and used the back of her hand to wipe at her eye . She sniffed . " She 's a good kid . She won 't disrupt your life at all . " She smiled . " I have no idea where she came from . I really don 't . Sometimes I look at her and think she must be an alien baby someone left with me , and my real kid is out there somewhere partying and raising hell . " Hayden looked up . " Thanks for saying that . " She took a deep breath . " I wish Mom and Dad could see her now and know their granddaughter . " Hayden laughed a little . " God . Yes . Mom would take all the credit , wouldn 't she ? She 'd say something like , ' I 'm glad you finally listened to what your father and I were telling you all those years . ' " " He would . He totally would . By the way , you look more and more like the old man every day . I thought you should know that . " " Just an observation . You haven 't gone bald . That 's the only difference . " Hayden adjusted her purse and straightened her posture . " I 'm going to go now . Okay ? " Despite the emotion she displayed with Sierra , Jason couldn 't detect the frantic edge beneath Hayden 's words anymore . Perhaps what he had thought was fear had simply been nervousness over coming into Jason 's home after all those years and all the problems . But he couldn 't be sure . " You 'll know eventually . You will . " She rose onto her tiptoes and kissed Jason on the cheek . " Thanks , big brother . Forty - eight hours at the most . Forty - eight . Then I 'll be back for my girl . " |
Far Rockaway Posted on April 17 , 2017 by perfectsublimemasters What I remember about when I was a kid in the south Bronx is that my pop was too poor to rent us a bungalow at Rockaway during the hot summers , so we just stayed home . We had the kind of summers where you could see the heat rising from the streets . It looked kind of blurry . No matter how much you breathed in , you still felt like you weren 't getting any air . It was hot outside and inside . There really was nowhere to go to . Couldn 't afford to go to the flicks neither . I would sit in the backyard and watch our neighbors , the Kolmackies , pack up their belongings to leave for the summer and go to Rockaway . We were considered lucky because we had a backyard , even though you never could have gotten lost in it . You could spit across it . Mr . Kolmackie would be wringing his hankie , so full of sweat that it could have filled a swimming pool . One year he forgot the littlest one , Margo , and just drove off in their bulging car . She stood there biting her teddy bear for a little bit . Me and my pop watched her looking around like a little bird . First up at the sky then down at her sandals . She shook her little feet , one by one , like she was trying to shake off the heat from the hot concrete or something . She didn 't cry for I 'd say a good three to four minutes . But boy , when she realized what had happened , we couldn 't hear nothing else in the neighborhood but her bawling . Her tears soaked and snotted up all over her teddy bear . A lot of rage came out of that kid . She stepped on her teddy bear 's arm and pulled at it in the other direction like a mad dog . The frenzy got so bad the bear had to be disposed of on account of being a health hazard to everyone involved . We had to bury it . Well , not really , but I sure didn 't want to touch it , let alone take it away from her . More tears and snot followed . That 's one of the things the pounding summer heat in a city can do to you . You can easily lose count of how many children you own and not realize it until you 're floating on some cool water at the beach , maybe on some kind of turquoise inflatable raft , and you 've put back four in a row of your favorite summer drink on an empty stomach - gin and tonic . By the time the news of the missing kid hit Mr . Kolmackie 's comatose brain … oh by the way , Mrs . Kolmackie was in Jersey for the summer to help her sister can tomatoes . My mom said that was a bunch of crap , Mrs . Kolmackie having to go to Jersey , it was because their marriage had irreconcilable marital differences . I didn 't know what that meant , but when I got a little older I just figured it meant they both had a venereal disease . At this point Mr . Kolmackie could barely swim back to shore . He had to be rescued by his remaining three beanpole kids by a rope that was attached to his … I 'll say his floating paradise of a raft . Standing there like a wet rat that come from the sewer , he counted and recounted his three kids and kept asking , " What happened ? How many I got ? " Back at home , my pop captured the snot - soaked child in a pillowcase . He tied a pink sash from my mom 's robe around her waist , letting the top half of her be free and then popped a lollipop in her mouth . My pop used to catch stray cats and dogs for the police and get a nickel for each animal . Back in his day , it was considered quite a skill on the streets . Plus the cops left him alone when he did something stupid . I bet he was thinking this one was worth a lot more than a nickel . After all , it was a child . They rode the " A " train down to Rockaway to find the Kolmackies . The train was crowded and in those days , not air - conditioned . I used to ride between the subway cars and let the air rushing in fill up my shirt . I would stand there kind of frozen and watch the backbone of the Bronx go by , looking dry and unwanted . My pop told me people were staring at him and Margo as they got on and off the train . One person even petted the top of Margo 's head and dropped a penny in her hands that sort of made the shape of a cup . He said he had to keep wiping the sweat off his forehead and hers and like my pop always did with me on hot days , he gave her a few smiles and a wink . She just sucked harder on her lollipop . My mom always called my pop a sheep in ox 's clothing . I thought she was complimenting him on account he was so strong . He could lift almost anything there was to lift on earth . Years later I found out she was making a remark about his character , who he was . He told me we could have been millionaires if he had only gone into the air - conditioning selling business . People don 't want to do dusting and cleaning on hot days , let alone have some sweating salesman at their door asking them to buy cleaning chemicals and brushes . But that was his job and he did it every day , while my mom cleaned our small house with all the supplies he sold . I can still smell that bleach on her fingers . They felt like prunes touching me when she tucked my napkin in my collar . She would then serve us oatmeal with hard , mystery lumps in it . My pop always shoveled his food down his mouth and didn 't care what it was . My mom would then cry and say he didn 't care about her . Later , I would hear their clarinet sounds coming from their bedroom . Then my mom would come out , smudged and a little on the happy side . On those days I would ask her for a nickel for ice cream . Now , the last stop of the subway was a few blocks from the Kolmackies ' bungalow , so my pop hoisted the kid up on his shoulders like one of the vacuums he would deliver door to door . Having the extra weight on his shoulders made for plenty of sweat . He switched Margo from shoulder to shoulder in order to keep her from slipping off and to balance the weight easier . As they got closer , he put her down on the ground and she told him , " I 'm a bunny now , " and hopped around in her pillowcase . I guess she found this better than any ride at Coney Island because when it came time to return her to Mr . Kolmackie , she clung to my pop for dear life and began her tears - and - snot routine . Mr . Kolmackie thanked my pop a whole bunch of times and he gave him a tour of the beachfront bungalow . My pop laughed and said that Kolmackie kept real nervously counting and recounting his kids . He offered my pop some money , but Pop refused . As Pop left , Mr . Kolmackie insisted and shoved a bottle of red wine under my pop 's arm . He waved goodbye to little Margo , who was , by the way , sitting happily in her pillowcase , tired from all the hopping around she had been doing . She gave him the sash from my mom 's pink robe . She had been chewing on it . When I got up to pee , I saw my mom standing by the window . She scowled at me and then gave the same look to the moon . I didn 't go back to sleep that night . I just kept counting the number of squares in the checked , red and white wallpaper my pop pasted onto my walls . It was left over from the Kolmackies redecorating their restaurant . The next morning was Saturday . I found my pop sitting on a crate in our backyard , staring at the ground . I watched my mom pace back and forth in her tiny kitchen , just like the tigers I 'd seen at the zoo . Any happiness left in the world , after floods or hurricanes , after all the disasters that had happened , anything left at all , my mom took that available happiness and put it through some appliance in her kitchen . Squeezing each smile , every laugh , any kind of success out of it , until there was nothing left for the rest of the world or for her . She was a bitter woman . And I turned out bitter because of her too . I didn 't know it then , but I sure know it now . Look at me . I never started a family or even the likes of a relationship . See , my mom got married for a second time , to my pop . Her first husband had become some kind of drunk , so she left him . Turns out later he won the Irish sweepstakes and , well , became filthy rich without ever having to lift a finger , except to hold his whiskey and maybe a broad or two . " Other people in this world are just too darn lucky , " she would say as she tied my sneakers so tight my foot cramped for the rest of the day . The whole thing left my mother underlyingly , undeniably sad . " Oh I 'm not complaining , " she would say when she was dusting or mopping , " I 'm just upset . " Everything she said was said with a kinda clip and a pursed smile while underneath her face there was another meaning that could have burned Jesus Christ right off his cross . I basically avoided her except on her birthday , Mother 's Day , and Christmas . My pop said he married her because he had the strangest feeling when he met her , and it never stopped whenever he saw her . Her pretty face made him hungry . Whenever he saw her , he wanted to eat something . He thought that was a good sign , because other girls could often make him sick , so he married her . They had me a year later , at home , on the hottest day of the year . After that , they didn 't want any more kids . My mom always mumbled that childbirth was sort of sloppy or that it had made some kind of mess . My pop was just happy he had someone to play catch with . As I looked out my bedroom window that night , he was still sitting there staring at the ground . I remember I could see sweat glow on his skin because the moon was like a spotlight on him . I knew something had changed that day and I never wanted to take my eyes off him again . I found myself the next morning twisted in my bed sheets , sweaty and crusted over with sleep . I rushed to the window to see if he was still there . I closed my eyes and I smelled the most unfamiliar smell . The earth . Black , moist dirt . Not the kind in the streets or on cars , or caught in my mom 's dust rag or on your face after baseball . This was a clean , fresh smell of life , a new beginning . It was all there as I breathed it in . Then I heard my pop 's voice . " Charlie , get your mom . Come on down here . " I raced down the tiny back staircase , moving like a pinball would . My mom was already there . Now , I 've never seen my mom in her nightie . Swear to God . Let me tell you , standing there , she looked like some kind of floating , pink angel about to take off . But the strangest thing was that she was against a big , black background . I rubbed my eyes and did a double take . It was our whole backyard , dug up , in one big pile . " If we can 't afford the dough to stay at Rockaway , I decided to bring Rockaway to us , " my pop said , and he smeared more dirt on his face thinking he was wiping it off . I looked at my mom , then at him , confused . He took us both by the hand , holding on so tightly it was like we were the bars that fit over the roller coaster cars . My bare feet squished in the ground and he led us down a dirt staircase into the earth . The burning sun just slipped off my shoulders . It felt good . Cool air rushed up at us and I swear I could feel my folks ' heartbeats in my hands . I got a spinning head , in a good way , because my body began to cool down and lose the aching pain of summertime . I looked around as my pop showed us the surroundings . He was moving his arms like he was a girl working at a Macy 's display case at Christmas or something . We stood there for a moment , as a family for the first time , and took it all in . My mom smiled . The only other time I 'd seen her smile was at Easter one year when the butcher gave her ten percent off a ham , on account that she had pretty legs . Her teeth were nice . Like two rows of pearls . She kissed my pop on the cheek and rubbed my head like if she was trying to get dust out of it . Underneath the ground , away from the sweltering sun , my pop had carved us out , from the ground , a whole summer home . We had a front room , a kitchen , a bathroom with no tub yet , no crapper , but I won 't get into that , a bedroom for me complete with a dirt mattress and pillow and a bedroom for my folks off a long hallway . He had used some old railroad ties to hold up the walls and ceiling . My mom spun around and hugged her pink nightie . I can remember her face was flushed like roses . My pop looked down at me , pinched my cheek , and said , " You 're a good - looking kid . " Boy , summertime . It didn 't have us beat . My mom began to decorate immediately , covering our new home with knick - knacks and ruffled stuff . I 'd often hear her humming while she dusted . We had running water too . Pop ran the garden hose through a hole he had made in the ceiling . He replanted the yard , now our roof , with little grass seeds . Our front door was even with the ground and made from the leftovers of an old shed and painted green . The bathroom got installed with the old , clawfoot tub that sat in our backyard for years . We didn 't even need an icebox on account of the natural state of being underground . My pop redefined cool . He even was able to tap the gas line that ran underground , making a stove , so my mom could do her cooking . If I could imagine what love tasted like , it would have been her meals that summer . I could come in any time of day and smell fresh - baked cookies . The best part of the whole thing was the nights . I 'd come in after a long hard day of trying to dodge the sun , but still being stung and burnt all over by it . My mom would be at the stove happily stirring something and I could hear my pop , huffing and puffing away , moving more dirt . He dug so far out , I know part of our house must have been under the street somewhere . " Why live in a small house , when you can make it a big one ? " he said , smiling . Now one Sunday , we were all sitting there listening to the radio . My pop had also rigged us up some electricity . All of a sudden a little dirt fell from our ceiling , then a little more , and finally a giant clump right on my lap . A tiny bit of sun shined through the hole and hit my pop 's face . As I looked up , I could see the beginnings of something that looked like a Creamsicle - colored tail being shoved down the hole . " You only need to look one way when you 're crossing a one - way street , ya box of rocks , " screamed a voice . I looked up and focused down the street . It was Kenny , peddling his bike like he had just been let out of some nuthouse . Now , Kenny had no idea he was standing on our roof while he dug a hole in the ground that day . I guess he figured nobody would notice . His plans entailed burying his cat up to the neck in dirt and then cutting its head off with a mower . In our yard ! My pop stood and tried to balance himself on our dirt sofa . He was swaying back and forth as the tail came through the hole . " Get me a pillowcase , " he yelled . He caught the cat like it was some kind of birth , then it tore out of the pillowcase and up and out the dirt stairs like there was no tomorrow . My pop stretched his neck and put his head up close to the hole . Kenny peered in , wondering what happened to his cat . " Now you 've come face to face with the devil , you bastard ! " blasted my pop in Kenny 's face . I thought Kenny was going to throw up because he gulped in so much air . I saw him on the street the next day . He was scared so bad it looked like his freckles had left his face . In a low voice he said " Hi , " to me . Then I punched him in the nose . I always thought he would end up in jail , but I heard he taught driving lessons somewhere upstate . That summer we stayed safe from the heat , and Kenny . My pop kept expanding the back of our home with his nightly digs in the dirt . My mom and me never went back there because we had plenty of space up front . Then one night I noticed him hauling out more dirt then usual . He became like a machine , almost running over my mom , knocking over the house of cards I was making and stepping all over my toys . He knocked over my mom 's favorite vase holding flowers he had bought her . I just stood there and watched the water seep into the ground . " Hey Pop , Pop … what 's going on ? " I asked . " Don 't you think we have enough space ? I think this place is great the way it is , " I told him . He didn 't answer and breathed in so much air I could see his chest heaving like a balloon . My mom backed into the couch and slowly sat down . It seemed like the more air he took in ; the more and more she became deflated . It looked like she was shriveling or something . Then he came back in , hauling a huge door down the steps and headed to the back with it . We didn 't need doors . We didn 't have doors in our place , just light , pretty curtains my mom hung up . My mom and me listened from the couch , late into the night . He pounded away on the door and was cursing under his breath every once in a while . We didn 't see much of him after that . He would leave early in the morning before we got up and come home way after my mom and I fell asleep . We didn 't eat dinner together anymore either and my mom 's cooking turned back into some kind of gristle . Unidentifiable eating . It made my stomach ache and my palms sweat because I had to finish every bite . I missed my pop . I swore late at night I could hear some clarinet noises coming from the back where he was , but I knew it couldn 't be , because those sounds only came from my folks ' bedroom . I couldn 't bear it anymore . Night after night , sitting across the table from my mom , I was watching her turn the color of skies like on stormy days . I 'm not kidding you . I spit my gristle out on my plate and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand . I wanted to shake her , just like when the gumball machine cheated me , you know ? I stood really close to her face and looked at her as she just sat there at the dinner table . I could see wild , gray hairs popping out of her scalp . She looked like she had forgotten who she was . " Come on , " I said and took her by the hand . She followed me like a puppy . It was dark and cold . We walked through the hallway he had dug . Finally , we got to a big opening . I looked up and saw it , the door . Pop 's door . I gently pushed my mom 's shoulders and made her sit down on the ground . I tried to breathe in a lot of courage as I approached that door . My knuckles could barely do it , but I managed to knock . " Pop ? Pop ? Are you in there ? " I said . About a minute later , the door started to open real slow . Little bits of dirt fell from the ceiling and landed on my head . They felt like raindrops . He leaned his head through the opening . " Pop … we kind of miss you , " I said real softly to him . He smiled at me . I could feel my mom 's breathing as she got up , stood over me , and looked at him . Instead of dirt , I felt her tears dropping on my head . He slowly closed the door . I wanted so badly to hold my mom 's hand that night , but her hands just stayed in fists , clenched real tight . You know ? How could I ? Every night after dinner , for I don 't know how long , she would go back to his door . One night I watched her back there . She was sitting up against his door holding the knob . She turned and turned but it just stayed locked . She didn 't make a sound , sitting there for hours , twisting the knob . She was crying tears that soaked the whole front of her nightie . It was so quiet there the next day ; I could hear the noise the cards made that I was tossing into a hat . The two of hearts got away from me and I went around the corner to pick it up . When I started to stand up - and I 'll never forget this because it felt like my eyes were seeing everything in slow motion - I looked up from the card and saw my mom standing in the doorway . She looked like she had got lacquered in pink . Her lips formed a bee sting . Any gray hairs left had been covered by brown hair dye and she had shiny black shoes on that had a heel . Her hat was hung low across her forehead and I swear her eyes looked like two burnt sapphires . In her hand , she was holding a suitcase . I could see that her knuckles were red . My mind sparked and told me to go get Pop , but when I turned around he was already standing in back of me . We never saw her again after that day . For some reason that I don 't know why , the next day - I let Kenny Rossjaeger beat me up . My pop never went back to his room with the door again . I was responsible now for doing the cooking and the cleaning . Imagine that - a boy cooking . I cooked beans and franks almost every night . On Fridays , I made cheese sandwiches and milk . He didn 't seem to mind . I was glad to have my pop back . One day a man showed up at our dirt door . He was tall , had a fedora on , and had a nose that looked like he had borrowed it from a hawk . He smelled like cigarettes and the cold newspaper we used to wrap things up in the icebox . He started coming by almost every night . When I lay there at night , I could hear them unrolling and rolling up big , giant papers the man carried under his arm when he came over . Mr . Kolmackie and his kids came back from Rockaway and Mrs . Kolmackie came back from Jersey . She gave me and my pop some canned tomatoes and I learned how to cook spaghetti . His kids looked like they had put on a little weight . They were all tanned and happy , even Margo . One day , my pop told me he wasn 't going to sell cleaning products anymore . " What are you going to do then ? " He tossed a cigarette in his mouth like it was loaded with rocket fuel and then slowly smiled at me . That day we made tuna fish sandwiches . We kept them in our shirt pockets and rode the " A " train down to Rockaway . When we got there , we found a nice place to sit at the beach and we ate our lunch . " If you could have any one of those bungalows , which one would you pick ? " he said , pointing around . I looked at him for a moment and I can remember his face looking like it was changing colors because the water was reflecting off it . I picked the one that reminded me of my mom , pink . See , it turns out my pop invented the blueprints for bomb shelters . That 's why that man came to see him so much . Some kind of government man to work with him , who knew my pop was on to something . Something much more than a summer bungalow . Every time somebody in the country bought a bomb shelter , my pop would get a check in the mail . We didn 't rent a bungalow in Rockway that next summer . We bought one . And the two next - door to it . We rented one to the Kolmackies and even Mrs . Kolmackie spent the summer there . Me and my pop would sometimes sit for hours and look out at the beach , not saying a word . Seems like we lived there forever . Time slowed down and I grew up . One day I walked into our front room and saw my pop sitting there quiet as stones . It looked like he had an invisible rock on his stomach , pushing in , making his back curve . His shoulders were hunched like they weighed a lot . All crumpled up in his hands , from a long time ago , he was holding the pink sash that came from my mom 's robe . He was crying . I had never seen him cry before . His tears didn 't roll down his face like the way girls ' did . They just kinda sat there all glossy , holding his eyes in . My pop died a week later on the hottest day of the year . I used to think we were all like a bunch of ants in the world , just living life and waiting to get stepped on and die . Not anymore . I don 't know if this is right or nothing , but I had him cremated and buried him in our backyard in the Bronx . It felt like I was giving him a chance to stay there forever . Happy , I hope . Kim Kolarich is a Pushcart Prize nominee . Her fiction was longlisted for the Fish Publishing Short Story Contest , and a finalist for the William Faulkner - William Wisdom Creative Writing Competition . Her stories have appeared in the Bridport Prize anthology , FreeFall , Julien 's Journal , 3711 Atlantic , 34th Parallel , Karamu , Rollick Magazine , After Hours , The Gap - Toothed Madness , Streetwrite , Intrinsick , Paragraph Planet , The Furious Gazelle , and Two Hawks Quarterly . She lives in Chicago with her husband and daughter . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Todd had wanted to join the army ever since he was about 10 years old . He went to cadets every summer in junior high and high school . Finally he was going to get his wish . Today he was leaving for training . It had been one month since he had finished high school and the hot August air was blowing into his window . Todd began to curse at his fan , which had broken a couple of days ago . He was hot and sticky . He slowly moved his hand down to his groin and felt the front of his diaper carefully . It was soaked . He instantly felt ashamed . How was he ever going to manage in the army when every night he still wet like a baby ? How was he ever going to hide his problem from the other men in his bunkhouse ? In addition to his nighttime wetting he still wet in the day sometimes if he was far away from a toilet . Todd stepped out of his bed onto the warm floorboards . He undid he tapes on the side of his diaper and it fell to the floor with a wet thud . He picked up the diaper , threw it in the garbage and went into the bathroom to take a shower . He let the warm water flow over him as he thought about his problem . He had wet the bed all his life . Due to his embarrassment he never invited friends over or had sleepovers . His only relationship with a girl had ended badly when he had an accident in the theatre . He had bought a large Coke and popcorn . Because of his nervousness he had finished both quite quickly . About half way through the movie he needed to pee . He tried to hold off for a while so he wouldn 't have to leave his girlfriend alone . There was a really funny scene in the movie and he lost control and peed out two liters of pop all over his pants and the floor . Some had even splashed on the girl 's sandals . When she realized what happened she screamed and ran out of the theatre . Todd followed her and she had demanded to be taken home immediately . She told him that she would never see him again and did not care that he was on the football team . When she went to school the next day she told the entire team what had happened and Todd was teased for many weeks afterwards . He had never asked out another girl after that . When Todd got out of the shower he went to his bed and taped on a fresh diaper . He did not want to have an accident on the long car ride to the army base . He got dressed in a pair of shorts and a t - shirt and hauled his bags downstairs . His diaper made a slight bulge in his shorts . His mom had made him fried bacon and eggs for breakfast as well as a large glass of fresh orange juice . He sat down and ate all his food and before he could think twice about it had finished the entire first glass of juice and had already started a second . He immediately stopped drinking it and put it back on the table . He did not want to wet on the way to the base . After he was done his breakfast he picked up his bags and loaded them into the car . His mom got into the driver 's seat . Throughout the entire ride Todd was quietly thinking about how he would hide his diapers from the other men on the base . Would he even be allowed to wear diapers in the army ? Would they kick him out for wetting his bed ? Finally they approached the gate to the base . His mom rolled down the window and told the guards that Todd was one of the new recruits . The gate opened and they drove inside . As they approached a large parking lot two privates came towards them and instructed Todd to get out of the car . Todd gave his mom a hug , grabbed his bags and stepped out onto the pavement . As his mom drove back to the gate he noticed that she was crying . Todd began to walk over to the line when he noticed his diaper was soaked and drooping down between his legs . He held his bag in front of his pants hoping to make it less obvious and moved to the back of the line . The line moved fairly quickly but he wet his diaper again when he was fifth from the front and a small amount leaked out onto the front of his shorts . He quickly looked around and no one seemed to notice . While he was looking around he noticed that the man who was now in the front of the line seemed to have a bulge in his pants . The men at the table handed him three combat uniforms , one dress uniform , two sets of lounge clothes , and a pair of underwear . The next four men and Todd got exactly the same thing . After Todd had gotten his uniform he took a seat on one of the benches with the other recruits . A sergeant with a microphone announced that everyone was to enter the bathhouse and change into one of their combat uniforms . On the way there they were to pick up a duffel bag in which to put the other uniforms until they were assigned a bunkhouse . The sergeant also specified that a combat uniform consisted of a pair of green pants , a green shirt , a pair of underwear , and a belt . Nametags would be sewn onto the uniforms later once everyone had officially registered . Todd thought the sergeant put an extra stress on the word " underwear " but he put it off to nerves . As Todd entered the bathhouse he noticed that the room was already filled with men changing into their uniforms . Todd chose to change in a stall because he didn 't want anyone to see his wet diaper . He took off the diaper and his clothes and then sat on the toilet to pee . He then began to put on his new uniform noticing that the pants were one size too large . He did not know what he was going to do about having to wear the underwear . In his current nervous state he would most likely be wet in no time . He debated about wearing a diaper under his underwear but decided against it . He did not want to make a bad impression on the very first day . He finished putting on his uniform , rolled up his diaper , hid it behind his duffel bag and headed for the door . While he passed the door he quickly threw the diaper into the trash . There were three other diapers in there already . At least there were three other men in the same situation that he was . When everyone had returned outside the two privates they had met earlier gave them a guided tour of the base . When they arrived at the bunkhouses they were each assigned a bunkhouse on based on their last name . A - J took # 6 K - R took # 7 and S - Z took # 8 . There were forty men in each bunkhouse . Todd entered as quickly as possible because he did not want to get a top bunk . The last thing he wanted to do was pee on the guy who was sleeping under him . Waking up in a wet bed with forty other people in the same room would be embarrassing enough . Todd threw his bags on the first bottom bunk he saw and noticed that it made a crinkling sound when they landed . As we walked across the exercise grounds the sun had reached high up into the sky covering the exercise grounds between the bunkhouses and the mess hall with sweltering heat . As Todd entered the mess hall he was more than happy to find out that it was air - conditioned . Todd took his place in the line in front of the serving counter . He was handed a large glass of lemonade , two sandwiches , and a bowl of ice cream . Todd realized how hungry he was and gulped down both sandwiches and drank all the lemonade . He spent a little more time with the ice cream . After lunch everyone was instructed to go to the bathhouse to wash up and then report to the exercise grounds in 15 minutes . While Todd was in the bathhouse he tried to use the toilet . Since he had just used it before dinner he could not go . He knew that he would need to use the bathroom again in about thirty minutes and hoped the sergeant would let him go . He washed his face and hands and went out to the exercise grounds and got in line . " I hope everyone used the bathroom before they came out here because this drill takes about four hours and no one can leave until it is finished , " said the sergeant . By the looks on a few of the men 's faces you could tell they had forgotten to go . Todd 's stomach flipped over with fear . He knew he would be wet before the drill was over . The drill would start off with fifty push - ups , fifty jumping jacks , and fifty sit - ups . Next would come the five mile run . Todd made it through the push - ups but half way through the jumping jacks he really had to pee . He tried to hold it in but during his last five jumping jacks it just came out . A couple of the men next to Todd started laughing but stopped immediately when the sergeant looked in their direction . Todd was mortified and just wanted to run inside the bunkhouse and hide but he knew he couldn 't leave . He finished the sit ups and when they lined up for the five mile run he noticed that about ten other guys had been overcome by the lemonade . Todd thought it was weird that the sergeant did not make a comment on this . By the end of the run Todd had wet again and about half the recruits were now sporting a large wet spot on the front of their uniform . After the drill everyone went back to the mess hall for supper . They were given an even larger glass of lemonade and roast beef and another bowl of ice cream . After supper they were instructed to have a shower and change into their lounge clothes and meet on the exercise grounds . Todd ran into the bathhouse , stripped his wet uniform off , and threw it in the hamper . Next he stood in the shower and washed the urine off his skin and let the water run on his tired muscles . He walked back to the bunkhouse in his towel and changed into his lounge uniform , which consisted of a pair of grey boxers and a grey shirt that said " army " on the front . He walked out onto the exercise grounds and joined the group of recruits that had already gathered on the benches . After a long discussion about the boot camp drills they would be doing in the next few days there was an announcement by the medical division that put Todd 's mind more at ease . Each man was handed six additional pieces to their uniform , and their name tags and dismissed to the bunkhouse . Todd examined the three white cloth diapers and the three pairs of green plastic pants that were in his hands . One of the diapers was thicker than the others and was meant to be worn at night time . Todd was happy that since all of the other men were going to wear diapers too that he wouldn 't be teased . However most of the other men were not pleased . " Form two lines next to the tables . If your bunk is on the right side of the room then line up in front of the right table and if your bunk is on the left side of the room line up in front of the left table . When you get to the front of the line take off your shorts and boots and hop on the table when the man before you is finished . This will be part of your uniform for the next six weeks . A nurse will diaper you until you learn to do it yourself . Do you understand me ? " one of the nurses ordered . " Line up at the tables now or you will run five miles , " one of the nurses stated angrily . The men shuffled to the front of the room . One kicked his boots under his bunk and the nurse sent him outside for the five mile run . After this incident the rest of the men waited quietly in line for their turn . Todd was the tenth person in line at the left table . He watched as the guy in the front of the line unlaced his boots and climbed slowly on the table . He handed the nurse the diapers and plastic pants . The nurse inspected him to make sure he was clean and then made him lift his bum and slid the diaper under him . As she was pinning on the diaper the man got an erection . The man 's face instantly turned bright red . The nurse told him to sit up and handed him his plastic pants . He quickly pulled them on and put his shorts on over them . Then he walked quickly to his bed holding the rest of the diapers and plastic pants in front of him to hide his erection . Todd watched as the eight men in front of him were diapered . All but the seventh man got an erection . The seventh man just glared at the nurse the entire time and slumped off to his bunk after he was finished . Finally it was Todd 's turn . He hopped up onto the table and handed the nurse his diapers . She picked out the thickest one and slid it under him . It was warm and soft . Todd liked the way it felt a lot better than his disposables . When the nurse pulled the front of his diaper up the diaper pushed his eight inch erection tightly against his stomach . There were only two inches between the top of his penis and the top of the diaper . When she was finished pinning it up she gave Todd his plastic pants and he pulled them on . Then she handed them the rest of the diapers and plastic pants . Todd walked back to his bed and put them in his locker before crawling into his bunk . Todd watched the line of men getting diapered as he tried to go to sleep . The nurses were really fast at changing diapers and had appeared to have had a lot of practice at it . Todd wondered if all the new recruits had to wear diapers when they joined the army . When the last of the twenty men in the right line came up to the front of the table he threw his diapers on the floor and shouted , " this is not what I signed up for . If I wanted to be a baby then I would go back to my mother . Who is going to take us seriously when we fight them in giant diapers , " he shouted . When the nurse told him to lay one the table he slapped her . She immediately pulled a needle out of the pocket of her scrubs , uncapped it and stuck it in his arm . He tried to tear his arm free and cried out in pain and ran out of the bunkhouse with the needle still in his arm . By this time most of the men had run to the door of the bunkhouse and were watching the scene in the exercise grounds . Two drill sergeants were running beside the man forcing him to do laps around the exercise ground . If he tried to stop the man on his left would smack his bottom with a baton . The needle was still hanging out of his arm . On his tenth lap he started to slow down which only resulted in an increased number of smacks with the baton . Near the end of his eleventh lap he fell onto the ground . One of the drill sergeants reached down and pulled the needle out of his arm . The other one bent down and picked him up . He carried the man into the bunkhouse and placed him on the table . The nurse picked one of his diapers up off the floor and pinned it on him . Then she slid the plastic pants up to his thighs . The drill sergeant picked him up again and she pulled them up the rest of the way . Then he carried the man to his bunk , laid him down , and pulled the covers over him . The nurses then folded up the tables and propped them up against the door . Then they left , followed by the drill sergeants . " I hope you all had a good day today . Sleep well tonight . You will need it tomorrow when you go through the woods . I hope you get used to your new uniforms . The diapers take some getting used to but believe me you will need them . They are a lot better than wet uniforms . Also when you go to sleep at night you will be too tired to wake up in the night . You don 't have to wear them when you are done boot camp , " said one of the privates . The whole time the other private looked around at the recruits with a look of what appeared to be envy on his face . Todd suspected that he wished he was wearing a diaper too . When the two privates left they turned off the lights and shut the door behind them . Todd laid his head on his pillow . Some of the other men began to whisper loudly to each other . " I 'm taking mine off , " said a man on the other side of the room . He climbed off his bunk and put the diaper in his locker . Then he put his shorts back on . The sound of the bugle came all too soon . Todd climbed out of bed , almost tripping over his sheets . His wet diaper sagged down in his front . He looked around the room and noticed that nearly all of the men 's diapers were soaked . Todd looked over to the man who had been drugged last night and noticed that he was holding his pillow over his head . As Todd walked over to the man 's bunk he noticed that the man was crying . He also couldn 't miss the distinct poop smell that was coming from the bed . Todd walked quickly up to one of the nurses and whispered to her about what had happened . The nurse reassured Todd that the medication he was given usually had that effect on the soldiers and not to worry about it . She would clean the man up after everyone left . She then reached down and pulled off Todd 's plastic pants and unpinned his diaper . Todd waited as the nurse moved down the line unpinning diapers . The man at the back of the line was squirming uncomfortably . Almost instantly his face turned red and a look of embarrassed relief came onto his face . The nurse waited for a few minutes and then unpinned his very wet diaper as well . Suddenly there was commotion in the right line . The man who had taken his diaper off the night before was now sporting a large wet spot on the front of his shorts . The nurse who was inspecting another large wet spot in his bed was yelling at him . His face was red and he was looking at the floor . " I think this embarrassment is enough punishment and I am sure this will not happen again . You all can go to the bathhouse now and take a shower . Come back here when you are finished . " Todd followed the line of men in their towels to the bathhouse . When they entered most of the men went to stand by the urinals . Todd tried to use one but he couldn 't make anything come out . Next they went into the shower stalls . As soon as the warm water hit Todd 's penis he peed all over the shower . He was glad no one saw him have the accident . After he was finished showering he dried off , wrapped the towel around his waist , and walked across the already scorching exercise yard back to the bunkhouse . He went to his locker and got out a diaper and a pair of plastic pants and went to stand in line with the other men . He noticed that the man who had wet his bed made no complaints about his diaper . After Todd was diapered he put his uniform on and went outside to go the mess hall . His pants now fit him perfectly . When Todd entered the mess hall he realized how hungry he was . The food smelled wonderful . He lined up at the counter . The man behind the counter gave him bacon , eggs , a sausage , and three pieces of French toast . When he moved farther down the counter another man handed him a large glass of apple juice . After he got his food , Todd walked over to the tables . He saw the man who had wet his bed the night before sitting by himself . He sat in the chair across from him . " Of course it 's a big deal . All of the other men will make fun of me now . No one who is nineteen years old still wets the bed . If my dad ever found out he would kill me . " " Look at all the men who woke up with wet diapers . If they hadn 't been wearing them they would have all wet the bed too . Besides I still wet the bed every night . " " You 're joking ! No one this old still wets the bed . Well I guess everyone else woke up wet . . . maybe its not so bad . I am wearing my diaper tonight for sure . I don 't want that to happen again . " " All my muscles hurt too . My stomach muscles are so weak right now . I just want to go back to bed right after breakfast . Oh crap ! " " You should go and see the nurse after breakfast . Maybe you have an infection . It was really hot yesterday and we were in wet uniforms for most of the afternoon . " The two men stopped talking and ate their breakfast quickly . They didn 't want to be late for morning drills . When they were finished they both walked out to the exercise grounds and joined the rest of the recruits who were starting to gather on the benches . The sun was now beating on the earth causing heat waves to form along the horizon . Two drill sergeants were standing in front of the benches . One was holding a megaphone and the other was holding what looked like a very large army green garbage bag . When the last of the recruits sat on the benches the sergeant with the megaphone turned it on and it made a deafening screech . " Today our training will start off with the usual fifty sit ups , fifty jumping jacks , and fifty push - ups and we will finish off before lunch with the five mile run . After lunch we will go through the obstacle course . The forecast says it will be forty degrees today . We will hand out canteens to everyone . You will get them refilled every two hours and we expect them to be empty at every refill time . If you don 't drink enough water you will get sick . Do you understand me ? " shouted the drill sergeant . The second sergeant reached into the bag and began passing out canteens to each of the men . The canteens were the usual army green and looked like they would hold at least a liter of water . Todd took his canteen from the sergeant . While he was taking his canteen he read the sergeants nametag that was sewn onto his uniform ; Charles Howard . Sergeant Howard moved on down the line until his bag was empty and every recruit held an empty canteen . The recruits quickly lined up in two lines in front of the two water jugs and began to fill their canteens . As soon as Todd 's canteen was full he drank some water and put the cap on . He was already thirsty and his uniform was sticking to him . Todd was afraid of what it would feel like running five miles in forty degrees . He walked back towards the benches and stood in the line beside Tony . The recruits were in three lines according to their barracks . When everyone had lined up they all lay down on the ground and began to do the sit - ups . By the time Todd was finished the sweat was dripping off his face . Tony 's uniform was soaked beneath the armpits . Both men took a long drink from their canteens before beginning the jumping jacks . By the time Todd had finished the jumping jacks his canteen was half empty . His diaper was sticking to him and the plastic pants clung wetly to his legs . He didn 't think he had even used the diaper yet . By the time he was finished the sit ups his uniform was completely soaked with sweat and his canteen was nearly empty . Tony was a little red in the face . Out of the corner of his eye Todd noticed that the water trucks had returned . One everyone had refilled their canteen the recruits lined up for the five mile run . Todd could see the heat waves around the edge of the exercise grounds . A thermometer on a post beside the benches read 38 degrees . " Everyone must stay in line today . The trucks will meet you half way to refill your canteens . Everyone 's should be empty at that time . You will not have to carry your packs today . Apparently one of the nursing staff talked to the colonel about this . " Sergeant Howard glared at the medical building and kicked the dirt with his boot . Sweat poured off his forehead . The heat was doing nothing to improve his temper . Sergeant Howard didn 't seem to notice . He started off down the path . The recruits jogged in formation behind him . Todd took frequent drinks from his canteen . Sometime during the morning he had soaked his diaper and his wet diaper and wet uniform were chafing his skin . About half a mile down the path the recruits went into a grove of trees . The trees shaded them from the scorching sun but the air beneath them was as muggy as the air on the exercise grounds . The light green leaves overhead were still . It seemed that even the birds were taking shelter . Todd 's boots were brown with the dirt and every time he took a step it sent up a little cloud of dust . Todd was near the front of the formation and could see that Sergeant Howard 's face had turned dark red . The drill sergeant was taking frequent sips of water from his canteen . About two miles down the path Todd noticed that the formation had slowed down considerably . Suddenly Sergeant Howard fell face - first into the dust . Several recruits ran into each other in an effort to stop . Todd pushed his way to the front and knelt down beside him . The man 's eyes were closed and he was breathing shallowly . The other sergeant was already on the radio sending for the medics . Todd began to unbutton the sergeant 's uniform to give him more air . Another recruit poured some of his water onto the sergeant 's forehead . " It 's ok . We 'll take it from here . The colonel orders you all to go back , take a shower , and meet in the mess hall . You will be studying combat theory this afternoon , " one of the medics informed the recruits . He then walked over to the other sergeant and started talking to him . The sergeant began to argue with the medic . " Form three lines and we will walk back to the bunkhouses . The officers don 't seem to understand the importance of training . It would be this hot during desert combat . But remember that you must always follow orders . " The other sergeant began to reluctantly head back down the path . The three lines of recruits followed behind him . Todd was in the back of the line . He watched as they loaded the unconscious sergeant into the back of the jeep . He then turned around quickly in case the other sergeant happened to turn around and notice he was out of step . Todd marched in line behind the other recruits . Walking wasn 't quite as bad as running but Todd wished he was back in the air conditioned buildings . Finally the edge of the exercise grounds came into view . The drill sergeant told the recruits to go into their bunkhouses and walked off towards the mess hall . As soon as Todd entered the bunkhouse he took in a huge breath of the cool air . He took another sip from his canteen . The water was luke warm and tasted of new plastic . He nearly spit it out but thought better of it and swallowed it quickly . " Take off your uniforms and put them in the hampers . Then line up by the door and one of the nurses will remove your diaper . Take a shower and go to the mess hall for lunch , " one of the nurses ordered . " M ' am yes m ' am , " shouted the recruits . They began to peel off their sweaty uniforms and line up slowly by the door . One of the nurses had brought in a cart with several jugs of ice water and large plastic glasses . The nurse began to take off the first man 's diaper . Instead of just unpinning his diaper like she had done in the morning and dropping it in a pail like the nurse took the man 's temperature with an ear thermometer . Then the nurse took off the diaper and checked the color of the urine . She then handed him a large glass of ice water and sent him off to the bath house . The man drank the water , put the glass in a bin on the cart and headed out the door with his towel wrapped around his waist . When it was Todd 's turn at the front of the line the nurse stuck the thermometer in his ear and seeming satisfied with the result she gently lowered his plastic pants and unpinned his diaper . His diaper was soaked with sweat and dark colored urine . A rash had developed on the inside of his legs and they stung in the open air . The nurse handed him a glass of water . The water was cold and fresh and tasted slightly of lemons which were floating around in the pitchers . He drank the water slowly allowing it to soothe his dry throat . When he was finished he put the glass in with the other ones and went to get his towel from the morning which he had folded on the end of his bed and wrapped it around his waist . Todd walked over to the door and pulled it open . The air hit him in a huge blast . Reluctantly he headed across the exercise grounds towards the bath house . His groin was beginning to itch . When Todd entered the bath house he went into one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet . He started too pee as soon as he sat down . While Todd was peeing he noticed that it stung a little . Just as he was about to get up he felt the need to poop . After he was finished he tore off some paper to wipe . The rough feeling of the paper on his bum made him cry out in pain . He dropped the paper in the toilet deciding that he would just wash off in the shower . He flushed and then headed into one of the shower stalls . The water made Todd 's rash sting . He reluctantly got some body wash out of the wall dispenser and began to wash himself . Tears streamed down his face as the soap touched the open areas of his rash . He quickly washed his hair , rinsed all the soap off of his body , turned off the shower , and headed over to the door . He pulled a clean towel off of the cart and began to dry himself off . He tried not to cry as he rubbed his diaper area with the towel but it hurt so much that he just wrapped the towel around his waist and headed back to the bunkhouse . Todd went over to the changing table and lay down . The nurse pulled the towel away and began to examine his rash with a concerned look on her face . She blotted him dry very gently with the corner of his towel . Next she walked over to her cart and got a large tub of cream . Todd squirmed around on the table . The air was making his rash sting so badly that tears started to slide down his cheeks . Todd was glad that the other men who were already diapered were sleeping on their bunks . Some were wearing their grey lounge shirts and others were just in their diapers . Tony lay on his stomach . His shirt had ridden up to the middle of his back and his diapered bum pointed skywards while he slept peacefully . Tony was wearing a light green disposable diaper . " This will make you feel better . That rash looks really sore . It should get better in a few days . I am going to put you in a disposable to keep the wetness off your skin , " the nurse said while she rubbed the cream on Todd . Todd whimpered the whole time . The cream was cold and helped to take away some of the pain . He began to relax on the table as the nurse massaged the cream into his skin and he stopped crying . The nurse opened the diaper and slid it under Todd 's bum . She sprinkled some baby powder on and brought the front up between his legs . She took off the gloves she was wearing and did up the tapes securely . There were two tapes on each side of the light green diaper and the fabric of the diaper stretched to fit his waist . The diaper was much more bulky that the disposables he had at home and the cloth like cover felt a lot better on the outside than the white plastic of his own diapers . The nurse helped him sit up and climb off the table . Todd walked over to his bunk and lay down on his back . He closed his eyes and went to sleep almost instantly . Army nurse Elizabeth Summers glanced out the window of the hospital complex waiting for the new recruits to arrive . It was a day she always waited for with anticipation . Four years ago she had come up with a new rule for basic training . She had thought it would be better if all the recruits were diapered during their training as most recruits had frequent accidents in their uniforms and all over the mattresses in the bunk houses . She might not have been able to pull this off had her father not been a general . Her father , Donald Summers had been killed in action in the Middle East ten years ago and everyone at the base seemed to try and compensate for this by letting Elizabeth do whatever she pleased . One day Elizabeth told her idea to the Colonel . Colonel Hendrick was in charge of the base and he suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder . He liked everything to be perfect . He even went so far as to individually pluck dandelions out of the grass in the exercise compound during his lunch break . Often Elizabeth sat in her office and laughed into her soup as he went from one end of the compound to the other finding dandelions . If none were to be found his pacing would become more and more frantic until at last he found one and stabbed it from the ground with his combat knife . He also had this annoying way of sorting paper clips by color into different compartments of his desk organizer . One of the secretaries had tried to change the supply order to all silver ones but Colonel Hendrick had ordered her angrily to change it back . The Colonel always complained during officer 's meetings about the different colored spots on the grass caused by the recruits ' accidents . He wanted the lawn to be a perfect dark green but it had so many spots on it that it looked like a new pattern of camouflage . The other officers were beginning to get annoyed by his constant complaining and discussed it whenever the Colonel wasn 't around to hear them . One day one of the sergeants approached Elizabeth and asked her if there was anything that she could give the recruits that would make it so they wouldn 't discolor the grass . At the next officer 's meeting she introduced the idea of diapers . Several of the officers burst out laughing but the Colonel was listening closely . He was happy that he had finally found a way to keep the grass looking nice and that the bunkhouses would no longer have a stale urine smell to them . When Elizabeth and the Colonel decided something the other officers had little choice but to go along with it . The next supply order included ten thousand white diapers with green pins and plastic pants . The company had to custom - make the plastic pants as they did not carry any in olive green . The recruits had a little surprise waiting for them on the next delivery day . That night Elizabeth called a meeting in the exercise grounds . When Elizabeth stepped onto the platform all the recruits began shifting uncomfortably thinking that they would have to listen to another boring education session about sexually transmitted diseases or proper nutrition . By the end of the presentation most of the recruits had looks of shocked disbelief on their faces . Each recruit was passed their diapers and sent back to the bunkhouse . In the next few weeks there were no accidents during training and the drills were running better . Surprisingly the recruits ' morale went up and there were fewer fights in the bunkhouses . Even the grass began to turn the same shade of green much to the Colonel 's delight . Most of the recruits began to accept the new additions to their uniform and some even liked their diapers . The only challenge was that once boot camp was over the recruits didn 't seem to want to give up their diapers although most of them were dry at the end of the day . At last the busses pulled into the parking lot and several cars drove in . Several nervous looking recruits lined up at the tables . Elizabeth watched them all carefully . She could tell that a few of them were already wearing bulky diapers under their clothes . Most of them were trying rather unsuccessfully to hide the fact behind various pieces of luggage . For the next few hours Elizabeth busied herself with paper work while glancing out the window periodically into the exercise grounds . Just before supper most of the recruits were soaked . This was the only part that the Colonel complained about . Unfortunately on the first day the grass got wet . One of the ways of getting the recruits to accept their diapers was to let them go without them on the first day . After having an accident most of them were more willing to wear diapers . After supper Elizabeth changed into a pair of olive green scrubs and walked over to the exercise grounds . Some of the recruits had already finished showering and were sitting on the benches . Most of them looked exhausted . While the drill sergeants were explaining the drills that the recruits would be doing in the next few days , Elizabeth and some of the other nurses were getting the diapers ready to be passed out . She had ordered some of the privates to help carry the diapers onto the exercise grounds . The sun was beginning to sink towards the horizon causing the trees to cast shadows across the compound . The air was still hot and humid making Elizabeth 's scrubs stick to her . She made a mental note to talk to the Colonel tomorrow to see if he could cancel some of the drills tomorrow . The forecast was for 45 degrees and the last thing Elizabeth wanted was for the hospital to be full of recruits with heat stroke . She knew the drill sergeants wouldn 't approve especially Sergeant Howard . He never agreed with anything Elizabeth did and over the years they had become enemies . When she had introduced the idea of diapers he hated the idea and thought that they ruined his training exercises . " Each of you will be given three diapers and three pairs of plastic pants . These are part of your uniform for the next six weeks and you will not take them off unless you are instructed to do so . Anyone who takes off their diaper or tries to refuse to wear it will be punished . A nurse will diaper you . You are not allowed to put it on by yourself . You will be changed three times every day : when you wake up , before lunch , and before bed . Try to hold it for as long as you can before you wet your diaper . Don 't wet as soon as you feel the need to go . Do you understand me ? " " You are dismissed . Line up in front of the platform . After you get your diapers , head to your bunkhouse . The nurses will be there in a few minutes to help you . " Todd rolled over onto his back . He stretched his legs out and blinked the sleep from his eyes . Immediately he felt that something was wrong . He couldn 't feel the warm wet fabric of his diaper pressed up into his crotch . He moved his hand downwards and felt the front of his diaper . It was all warm and squishy but the part next to his skin felt dry . He became very confused . " If you are soaked then line up to be changed . We will be passing out some shirts to you that should keep you a little cooler . " A few of the soldiers stumbled out of their bunks . No one seemed in a hurry to dress and head outside into the scorching heat . Todd looked over to his friend Tony . Tony 's disposable was drooping down between his legs while his arms were raised trying to put on his uniform shirt . He was half asleep and did not appear to have heard the announcement . A nurse walked over to him and took his uniform shirt from him . Then she slipped a muscle shirt over his head . " I think you need a change too . Go line up . " Todd got up off his bed and stood up . His diaper was surprisingly heavy and was starting to fall down off his hips . As soon as he stood up he began to wet uncontrollably which only added to the heaviness and caused it to droop lower . He tried to stop himself from wetting but it was no use . He could feel the warm urine splashing into the diaper before it was absorbed under the wetness liner . After he finished wetting he waddled up to the table . He was surprised the diaper hadn 't leaked yet . Todd felt a little dizzy as he was waiting in line and he had a cramp in his stomach . He thought it was because he hadn 't eaten lunch yet . As he waited for his turn at the table he began to get dizzier . All of the sudden he felt the need to poop . He tried to hold it back making his face red with the effort . " Don 't try to hold it in . You will be changed in a few minutes anyways , " one of the nurses said from behind the table . Todd let go and pooped his diaper . It was very runny and Todd knew it wouldn 't be long before the diaper started to leak but he couldn 't stop himself . The cramps in his tummy were getting worse and the room was beginning to turn dark . Todd felt his knees buckling and the floor rushing up to meet him . He could hear the two nurses beside him and could feel them lift him onto the table . After you 've finished reading , you might want to return to the DailyDiapers Story Index |
Todd had wanted to join the army ever since he was about 10 years old . He went to cadets every summer in junior high and high school . Finally he was going to get his wish . Today he was leaving for training . It had been one month since he had finished high school and the hot August air was blowing into his window . Todd began to curse at his fan , which had broken a couple of days ago . He was hot and sticky . He slowly moved his hand down to his groin and felt the front of his diaper carefully . It was soaked . He instantly felt ashamed . How was he ever going to manage in the army when every night he still wet like a baby ? How was he ever going to hide his problem from the other men in his bunkhouse ? In addition to his nighttime wetting he still wet in the day sometimes if he was far away from a toilet . Todd stepped out of his bed onto the warm floorboards . He undid he tapes on the side of his diaper and it fell to the floor with a wet thud . He picked up the diaper , threw it in the garbage and went into the bathroom to take a shower . He let the warm water flow over him as he thought about his problem . He had wet the bed all his life . Due to his embarrassment he never invited friends over or had sleepovers . His only relationship with a girl had ended badly when he had an accident in the theatre . He had bought a large Coke and popcorn . Because of his nervousness he had finished both quite quickly . About half way through the movie he needed to pee . He tried to hold off for a while so he wouldn 't have to leave his girlfriend alone . There was a really funny scene in the movie and he lost control and peed out two liters of pop all over his pants and the floor . Some had even splashed on the girl 's sandals . When she realized what happened she screamed and ran out of the theatre . Todd followed her and she had demanded to be taken home immediately . She told him that she would never see him again and did not care that he was on the football team . When she went to school the next day she told the entire team what had happened and Todd was teased for many weeks afterwards . He had never asked out another girl after that . When Todd got out of the shower he went to his bed and taped on a fresh diaper . He did not want to have an accident on the long car ride to the army base . He got dressed in a pair of shorts and a t - shirt and hauled his bags downstairs . His diaper made a slight bulge in his shorts . His mom had made him fried bacon and eggs for breakfast as well as a large glass of fresh orange juice . He sat down and ate all his food and before he could think twice about it had finished the entire first glass of juice and had already started a second . He immediately stopped drinking it and put it back on the table . He did not want to wet on the way to the base . After he was done his breakfast he picked up his bags and loaded them into the car . His mom got into the driver 's seat . Throughout the entire ride Todd was quietly thinking about how he would hide his diapers from the other men on the base . Would he even be allowed to wear diapers in the army ? Would they kick him out for wetting his bed ? Finally they approached the gate to the base . His mom rolled down the window and told the guards that Todd was one of the new recruits . The gate opened and they drove inside . As they approached a large parking lot two privates came towards them and instructed Todd to get out of the car . Todd gave his mom a hug , grabbed his bags and stepped out onto the pavement . As his mom drove back to the gate he noticed that she was crying . Todd began to walk over to the line when he noticed his diaper was soaked and drooping down between his legs . He held his bag in front of his pants hoping to make it less obvious and moved to the back of the line . The line moved fairly quickly but he wet his diaper again when he was fifth from the front and a small amount leaked out onto the front of his shorts . He quickly looked around and no one seemed to notice . While he was looking around he noticed that the man who was now in the front of the line seemed to have a bulge in his pants . The men at the table handed him three combat uniforms , one dress uniform , two sets of lounge clothes , and a pair of underwear . The next four men and Todd got exactly the same thing . After Todd had gotten his uniform he took a seat on one of the benches with the other recruits . A sergeant with a microphone announced that everyone was to enter the bathhouse and change into one of their combat uniforms . On the way there they were to pick up a duffel bag in which to put the other uniforms until they were assigned a bunkhouse . The sergeant also specified that a combat uniform consisted of a pair of green pants , a green shirt , a pair of underwear , and a belt . Nametags would be sewn onto the uniforms later once everyone had officially registered . Todd thought the sergeant put an extra stress on the word " underwear " but he put it off to nerves . As Todd entered the bathhouse he noticed that the room was already filled with men changing into their uniforms . Todd chose to change in a stall because he didn 't want anyone to see his wet diaper . He took off the diaper and his clothes and then sat on the toilet to pee . He then began to put on his new uniform noticing that the pants were one size too large . He did not know what he was going to do about having to wear the underwear . In his current nervous state he would most likely be wet in no time . He debated about wearing a diaper under his underwear but decided against it . He did not want to make a bad impression on the very first day . He finished putting on his uniform , rolled up his diaper , hid it behind his duffel bag and headed for the door . While he passed the door he quickly threw the diaper into the trash . There were three other diapers in there already . At least there were three other men in the same situation that he was . When everyone had returned outside the two privates they had met earlier gave them a guided tour of the base . When they arrived at the bunkhouses they were each assigned a bunkhouse on based on their last name . A - J took # 6 K - R took # 7 and S - Z took # 8 . There were forty men in each bunkhouse . Todd entered as quickly as possible because he did not want to get a top bunk . The last thing he wanted to do was pee on the guy who was sleeping under him . Waking up in a wet bed with forty other people in the same room would be embarrassing enough . Todd threw his bags on the first bottom bunk he saw and noticed that it made a crinkling sound when they landed . As we walked across the exercise grounds the sun had reached high up into the sky covering the exercise grounds between the bunkhouses and the mess hall with sweltering heat . As Todd entered the mess hall he was more than happy to find out that it was air - conditioned . Todd took his place in the line in front of the serving counter . He was handed a large glass of lemonade , two sandwiches , and a bowl of ice cream . Todd realized how hungry he was and gulped down both sandwiches and drank all the lemonade . He spent a little more time with the ice cream . After lunch everyone was instructed to go to the bathhouse to wash up and then report to the exercise grounds in 15 minutes . While Todd was in the bathhouse he tried to use the toilet . Since he had just used it before dinner he could not go . He knew that he would need to use the bathroom again in about thirty minutes and hoped the sergeant would let him go . He washed his face and hands and went out to the exercise grounds and got in line . " I hope everyone used the bathroom before they came out here because this drill takes about four hours and no one can leave until it is finished , " said the sergeant . By the looks on a few of the men 's faces you could tell they had forgotten to go . Todd 's stomach flipped over with fear . He knew he would be wet before the drill was over . The drill would start off with fifty push - ups , fifty jumping jacks , and fifty sit - ups . Next would come the five mile run . Todd made it through the push - ups but half way through the jumping jacks he really had to pee . He tried to hold it in but during his last five jumping jacks it just came out . A couple of the men next to Todd started laughing but stopped immediately when the sergeant looked in their direction . Todd was mortified and just wanted to run inside the bunkhouse and hide but he knew he couldn 't leave . He finished the sit ups and when they lined up for the five mile run he noticed that about ten other guys had been overcome by the lemonade . Todd thought it was weird that the sergeant did not make a comment on this . By the end of the run Todd had wet again and about half the recruits were now sporting a large wet spot on the front of their uniform . After the drill everyone went back to the mess hall for supper . They were given an even larger glass of lemonade and roast beef and another bowl of ice cream . After supper they were instructed to have a shower and change into their lounge clothes and meet on the exercise grounds . Todd ran into the bathhouse , stripped his wet uniform off , and threw it in the hamper . Next he stood in the shower and washed the urine off his skin and let the water run on his tired muscles . He walked back to the bunkhouse in his towel and changed into his lounge uniform , which consisted of a pair of grey boxers and a grey shirt that said " army " on the front . He walked out onto the exercise grounds and joined the group of recruits that had already gathered on the benches . After a long discussion about the boot camp drills they would be doing in the next few days there was an announcement by the medical division that put Todd 's mind more at ease . Each man was handed six additional pieces to their uniform , and their name tags and dismissed to the bunkhouse . Todd examined the three white cloth diapers and the three pairs of green plastic pants that were in his hands . One of the diapers was thicker than the others and was meant to be worn at night time . Todd was happy that since all of the other men were going to wear diapers too that he wouldn 't be teased . However most of the other men were not pleased . " Form two lines next to the tables . If your bunk is on the right side of the room then line up in front of the right table and if your bunk is on the left side of the room line up in front of the left table . When you get to the front of the line take off your shorts and boots and hop on the table when the man before you is finished . This will be part of your uniform for the next six weeks . A nurse will diaper you until you learn to do it yourself . Do you understand me ? " one of the nurses ordered . " Line up at the tables now or you will run five miles , " one of the nurses stated angrily . The men shuffled to the front of the room . One kicked his boots under his bunk and the nurse sent him outside for the five mile run . After this incident the rest of the men waited quietly in line for their turn . Todd was the tenth person in line at the left table . He watched as the guy in the front of the line unlaced his boots and climbed slowly on the table . He handed the nurse the diapers and plastic pants . The nurse inspected him to make sure he was clean and then made him lift his bum and slid the diaper under him . As she was pinning on the diaper the man got an erection . The man 's face instantly turned bright red . The nurse told him to sit up and handed him his plastic pants . He quickly pulled them on and put his shorts on over them . Then he walked quickly to his bed holding the rest of the diapers and plastic pants in front of him to hide his erection . Todd watched as the eight men in front of him were diapered . All but the seventh man got an erection . The seventh man just glared at the nurse the entire time and slumped off to his bunk after he was finished . Finally it was Todd 's turn . He hopped up onto the table and handed the nurse his diapers . She picked out the thickest one and slid it under him . It was warm and soft . Todd liked the way it felt a lot better than his disposables . When the nurse pulled the front of his diaper up the diaper pushed his eight inch erection tightly against his stomach . There were only two inches between the top of his penis and the top of the diaper . When she was finished pinning it up she gave Todd his plastic pants and he pulled them on . Then she handed them the rest of the diapers and plastic pants . Todd walked back to his bed and put them in his locker before crawling into his bunk . Todd watched the line of men getting diapered as he tried to go to sleep . The nurses were really fast at changing diapers and had appeared to have had a lot of practice at it . Todd wondered if all the new recruits had to wear diapers when they joined the army . When the last of the twenty men in the right line came up to the front of the table he threw his diapers on the floor and shouted , " this is not what I signed up for . If I wanted to be a baby then I would go back to my mother . Who is going to take us seriously when we fight them in giant diapers , " he shouted . When the nurse told him to lay one the table he slapped her . She immediately pulled a needle out of the pocket of her scrubs , uncapped it and stuck it in his arm . He tried to tear his arm free and cried out in pain and ran out of the bunkhouse with the needle still in his arm . By this time most of the men had run to the door of the bunkhouse and were watching the scene in the exercise grounds . Two drill sergeants were running beside the man forcing him to do laps around the exercise ground . If he tried to stop the man on his left would smack his bottom with a baton . The needle was still hanging out of his arm . On his tenth lap he started to slow down which only resulted in an increased number of smacks with the baton . Near the end of his eleventh lap he fell onto the ground . One of the drill sergeants reached down and pulled the needle out of his arm . The other one bent down and picked him up . He carried the man into the bunkhouse and placed him on the table . The nurse picked one of his diapers up off the floor and pinned it on him . Then she slid the plastic pants up to his thighs . The drill sergeant picked him up again and she pulled them up the rest of the way . Then he carried the man to his bunk , laid him down , and pulled the covers over him . The nurses then folded up the tables and propped them up against the door . Then they left , followed by the drill sergeants . " I hope you all had a good day today . Sleep well tonight . You will need it tomorrow when you go through the woods . I hope you get used to your new uniforms . The diapers take some getting used to but believe me you will need them . They are a lot better than wet uniforms . Also when you go to sleep at night you will be too tired to wake up in the night . You don 't have to wear them when you are done boot camp , " said one of the privates . The whole time the other private looked around at the recruits with a look of what appeared to be envy on his face . Todd suspected that he wished he was wearing a diaper too . When the two privates left they turned off the lights and shut the door behind them . Todd laid his head on his pillow . Some of the other men began to whisper loudly to each other . " I 'm taking mine off , " said a man on the other side of the room . He climbed off his bunk and put the diaper in his locker . Then he put his shorts back on . The sound of the bugle came all too soon . Todd climbed out of bed , almost tripping over his sheets . His wet diaper sagged down in his front . He looked around the room and noticed that nearly all of the men 's diapers were soaked . Todd looked over to the man who had been drugged last night and noticed that he was holding his pillow over his head . As Todd walked over to the man 's bunk he noticed that the man was crying . He also couldn 't miss the distinct poop smell that was coming from the bed . Todd walked quickly up to one of the nurses and whispered to her about what had happened . The nurse reassured Todd that the medication he was given usually had that effect on the soldiers and not to worry about it . She would clean the man up after everyone left . She then reached down and pulled off Todd 's plastic pants and unpinned his diaper . Todd waited as the nurse moved down the line unpinning diapers . The man at the back of the line was squirming uncomfortably . Almost instantly his face turned red and a look of embarrassed relief came onto his face . The nurse waited for a few minutes and then unpinned his very wet diaper as well . Suddenly there was commotion in the right line . The man who had taken his diaper off the night before was now sporting a large wet spot on the front of his shorts . The nurse who was inspecting another large wet spot in his bed was yelling at him . His face was red and he was looking at the floor . " I think this embarrassment is enough punishment and I am sure this will not happen again . You all can go to the bathhouse now and take a shower . Come back here when you are finished . " Todd followed the line of men in their towels to the bathhouse . When they entered most of the men went to stand by the urinals . Todd tried to use one but he couldn 't make anything come out . Next they went into the shower stalls . As soon as the warm water hit Todd 's penis he peed all over the shower . He was glad no one saw him have the accident . After he was finished showering he dried off , wrapped the towel around his waist , and walked across the already scorching exercise yard back to the bunkhouse . He went to his locker and got out a diaper and a pair of plastic pants and went to stand in line with the other men . He noticed that the man who had wet his bed made no complaints about his diaper . After Todd was diapered he put his uniform on and went outside to go the mess hall . His pants now fit him perfectly . When Todd entered the mess hall he realized how hungry he was . The food smelled wonderful . He lined up at the counter . The man behind the counter gave him bacon , eggs , a sausage , and three pieces of French toast . When he moved farther down the counter another man handed him a large glass of apple juice . After he got his food , Todd walked over to the tables . He saw the man who had wet his bed the night before sitting by himself . He sat in the chair across from him . " Of course it 's a big deal . All of the other men will make fun of me now . No one who is nineteen years old still wets the bed . If my dad ever found out he would kill me . " " Look at all the men who woke up with wet diapers . If they hadn 't been wearing them they would have all wet the bed too . Besides I still wet the bed every night . " " You 're joking ! No one this old still wets the bed . Well I guess everyone else woke up wet . . . maybe its not so bad . I am wearing my diaper tonight for sure . I don 't want that to happen again . " " All my muscles hurt too . My stomach muscles are so weak right now . I just want to go back to bed right after breakfast . Oh crap ! " " You should go and see the nurse after breakfast . Maybe you have an infection . It was really hot yesterday and we were in wet uniforms for most of the afternoon . " The two men stopped talking and ate their breakfast quickly . They didn 't want to be late for morning drills . When they were finished they both walked out to the exercise grounds and joined the rest of the recruits who were starting to gather on the benches . The sun was now beating on the earth causing heat waves to form along the horizon . Two drill sergeants were standing in front of the benches . One was holding a megaphone and the other was holding what looked like a very large army green garbage bag . When the last of the recruits sat on the benches the sergeant with the megaphone turned it on and it made a deafening screech . " Today our training will start off with the usual fifty sit ups , fifty jumping jacks , and fifty push - ups and we will finish off before lunch with the five mile run . After lunch we will go through the obstacle course . The forecast says it will be forty degrees today . We will hand out canteens to everyone . You will get them refilled every two hours and we expect them to be empty at every refill time . If you don 't drink enough water you will get sick . Do you understand me ? " shouted the drill sergeant . The second sergeant reached into the bag and began passing out canteens to each of the men . The canteens were the usual army green and looked like they would hold at least a liter of water . Todd took his canteen from the sergeant . While he was taking his canteen he read the sergeants nametag that was sewn onto his uniform ; Charles Howard . Sergeant Howard moved on down the line until his bag was empty and every recruit held an empty canteen . The recruits quickly lined up in two lines in front of the two water jugs and began to fill their canteens . As soon as Todd 's canteen was full he drank some water and put the cap on . He was already thirsty and his uniform was sticking to him . Todd was afraid of what it would feel like running five miles in forty degrees . He walked back towards the benches and stood in the line beside Tony . The recruits were in three lines according to their barracks . When everyone had lined up they all lay down on the ground and began to do the sit - ups . By the time Todd was finished the sweat was dripping off his face . Tony 's uniform was soaked beneath the armpits . Both men took a long drink from their canteens before beginning the jumping jacks . By the time Todd had finished the jumping jacks his canteen was half empty . His diaper was sticking to him and the plastic pants clung wetly to his legs . He didn 't think he had even used the diaper yet . By the time he was finished the sit ups his uniform was completely soaked with sweat and his canteen was nearly empty . Tony was a little red in the face . Out of the corner of his eye Todd noticed that the water trucks had returned . One everyone had refilled their canteen the recruits lined up for the five mile run . Todd could see the heat waves around the edge of the exercise grounds . A thermometer on a post beside the benches read 38 degrees . " Everyone must stay in line today . The trucks will meet you half way to refill your canteens . Everyone 's should be empty at that time . You will not have to carry your packs today . Apparently one of the nursing staff talked to the colonel about this . " Sergeant Howard glared at the medical building and kicked the dirt with his boot . Sweat poured off his forehead . The heat was doing nothing to improve his temper . Sergeant Howard didn 't seem to notice . He started off down the path . The recruits jogged in formation behind him . Todd took frequent drinks from his canteen . Sometime during the morning he had soaked his diaper and his wet diaper and wet uniform were chafing his skin . About half a mile down the path the recruits went into a grove of trees . The trees shaded them from the scorching sun but the air beneath them was as muggy as the air on the exercise grounds . The light green leaves overhead were still . It seemed that even the birds were taking shelter . Todd 's boots were brown with the dirt and every time he took a step it sent up a little cloud of dust . Todd was near the front of the formation and could see that Sergeant Howard 's face had turned dark red . The drill sergeant was taking frequent sips of water from his canteen . About two miles down the path Todd noticed that the formation had slowed down considerably . Suddenly Sergeant Howard fell face - first into the dust . Several recruits ran into each other in an effort to stop . Todd pushed his way to the front and knelt down beside him . The man 's eyes were closed and he was breathing shallowly . The other sergeant was already on the radio sending for the medics . Todd began to unbutton the sergeant 's uniform to give him more air . Another recruit poured some of his water onto the sergeant 's forehead . " It 's ok . We 'll take it from here . The colonel orders you all to go back , take a shower , and meet in the mess hall . You will be studying combat theory this afternoon , " one of the medics informed the recruits . He then walked over to the other sergeant and started talking to him . The sergeant began to argue with the medic . " Form three lines and we will walk back to the bunkhouses . The officers don 't seem to understand the importance of training . It would be this hot during desert combat . But remember that you must always follow orders . " The other sergeant began to reluctantly head back down the path . The three lines of recruits followed behind him . Todd was in the back of the line . He watched as they loaded the unconscious sergeant into the back of the jeep . He then turned around quickly in case the other sergeant happened to turn around and notice he was out of step . Todd marched in line behind the other recruits . Walking wasn 't quite as bad as running but Todd wished he was back in the air conditioned buildings . Finally the edge of the exercise grounds came into view . The drill sergeant told the recruits to go into their bunkhouses and walked off towards the mess hall . As soon as Todd entered the bunkhouse he took in a huge breath of the cool air . He took another sip from his canteen . The water was luke warm and tasted of new plastic . He nearly spit it out but thought better of it and swallowed it quickly . " Take off your uniforms and put them in the hampers . Then line up by the door and one of the nurses will remove your diaper . Take a shower and go to the mess hall for lunch , " one of the nurses ordered . " M ' am yes m ' am , " shouted the recruits . They began to peel off their sweaty uniforms and line up slowly by the door . One of the nurses had brought in a cart with several jugs of ice water and large plastic glasses . The nurse began to take off the first man 's diaper . Instead of just unpinning his diaper like she had done in the morning and dropping it in a pail like the nurse took the man 's temperature with an ear thermometer . Then the nurse took off the diaper and checked the color of the urine . She then handed him a large glass of ice water and sent him off to the bath house . The man drank the water , put the glass in a bin on the cart and headed out the door with his towel wrapped around his waist . When it was Todd 's turn at the front of the line the nurse stuck the thermometer in his ear and seeming satisfied with the result she gently lowered his plastic pants and unpinned his diaper . His diaper was soaked with sweat and dark colored urine . A rash had developed on the inside of his legs and they stung in the open air . The nurse handed him a glass of water . The water was cold and fresh and tasted slightly of lemons which were floating around in the pitchers . He drank the water slowly allowing it to soothe his dry throat . When he was finished he put the glass in with the other ones and went to get his towel from the morning which he had folded on the end of his bed and wrapped it around his waist . Todd walked over to the door and pulled it open . The air hit him in a huge blast . Reluctantly he headed across the exercise grounds towards the bath house . His groin was beginning to itch . When Todd entered the bath house he went into one of the stalls and sat down on the toilet . He started too pee as soon as he sat down . While Todd was peeing he noticed that it stung a little . Just as he was about to get up he felt the need to poop . After he was finished he tore off some paper to wipe . The rough feeling of the paper on his bum made him cry out in pain . He dropped the paper in the toilet deciding that he would just wash off in the shower . He flushed and then headed into one of the shower stalls . The water made Todd 's rash sting . He reluctantly got some body wash out of the wall dispenser and began to wash himself . Tears streamed down his face as the soap touched the open areas of his rash . He quickly washed his hair , rinsed all the soap off of his body , turned off the shower , and headed over to the door . He pulled a clean towel off of the cart and began to dry himself off . He tried not to cry as he rubbed his diaper area with the towel but it hurt so much that he just wrapped the towel around his waist and headed back to the bunkhouse . Todd went over to the changing table and lay down . The nurse pulled the towel away and began to examine his rash with a concerned look on her face . She blotted him dry very gently with the corner of his towel . Next she walked over to her cart and got a large tub of cream . Todd squirmed around on the table . The air was making his rash sting so badly that tears started to slide down his cheeks . Todd was glad that the other men who were already diapered were sleeping on their bunks . Some were wearing their grey lounge shirts and others were just in their diapers . Tony lay on his stomach . His shirt had ridden up to the middle of his back and his diapered bum pointed skywards while he slept peacefully . Tony was wearing a light green disposable diaper . " This will make you feel better . That rash looks really sore . It should get better in a few days . I am going to put you in a disposable to keep the wetness off your skin , " the nurse said while she rubbed the cream on Todd . Todd whimpered the whole time . The cream was cold and helped to take away some of the pain . He began to relax on the table as the nurse massaged the cream into his skin and he stopped crying . The nurse opened the diaper and slid it under Todd 's bum . She sprinkled some baby powder on and brought the front up between his legs . She took off the gloves she was wearing and did up the tapes securely . There were two tapes on each side of the light green diaper and the fabric of the diaper stretched to fit his waist . The diaper was much more bulky that the disposables he had at home and the cloth like cover felt a lot better on the outside than the white plastic of his own diapers . The nurse helped him sit up and climb off the table . Todd walked over to his bunk and lay down on his back . He closed his eyes and went to sleep almost instantly . Army nurse Elizabeth Summers glanced out the window of the hospital complex waiting for the new recruits to arrive . It was a day she always waited for with anticipation . Four years ago she had come up with a new rule for basic training . She had thought it would be better if all the recruits were diapered during their training as most recruits had frequent accidents in their uniforms and all over the mattresses in the bunk houses . She might not have been able to pull this off had her father not been a general . Her father , Donald Summers had been killed in action in the Middle East ten years ago and everyone at the base seemed to try and compensate for this by letting Elizabeth do whatever she pleased . One day Elizabeth told her idea to the Colonel . Colonel Hendrick was in charge of the base and he suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder . He liked everything to be perfect . He even went so far as to individually pluck dandelions out of the grass in the exercise compound during his lunch break . Often Elizabeth sat in her office and laughed into her soup as he went from one end of the compound to the other finding dandelions . If none were to be found his pacing would become more and more frantic until at last he found one and stabbed it from the ground with his combat knife . He also had this annoying way of sorting paper clips by color into different compartments of his desk organizer . One of the secretaries had tried to change the supply order to all silver ones but Colonel Hendrick had ordered her angrily to change it back . The Colonel always complained during officer 's meetings about the different colored spots on the grass caused by the recruits ' accidents . He wanted the lawn to be a perfect dark green but it had so many spots on it that it looked like a new pattern of camouflage . The other officers were beginning to get annoyed by his constant complaining and discussed it whenever the Colonel wasn 't around to hear them . One day one of the sergeants approached Elizabeth and asked her if there was anything that she could give the recruits that would make it so they wouldn 't discolor the grass . At the next officer 's meeting she introduced the idea of diapers . Several of the officers burst out laughing but the Colonel was listening closely . He was happy that he had finally found a way to keep the grass looking nice and that the bunkhouses would no longer have a stale urine smell to them . When Elizabeth and the Colonel decided something the other officers had little choice but to go along with it . The next supply order included ten thousand white diapers with green pins and plastic pants . The company had to custom - make the plastic pants as they did not carry any in olive green . The recruits had a little surprise waiting for them on the next delivery day . That night Elizabeth called a meeting in the exercise grounds . When Elizabeth stepped onto the platform all the recruits began shifting uncomfortably thinking that they would have to listen to another boring education session about sexually transmitted diseases or proper nutrition . By the end of the presentation most of the recruits had looks of shocked disbelief on their faces . Each recruit was passed their diapers and sent back to the bunkhouse . In the next few weeks there were no accidents during training and the drills were running better . Surprisingly the recruits ' morale went up and there were fewer fights in the bunkhouses . Even the grass began to turn the same shade of green much to the Colonel 's delight . Most of the recruits began to accept the new additions to their uniform and some even liked their diapers . The only challenge was that once boot camp was over the recruits didn 't seem to want to give up their diapers although most of them were dry at the end of the day . At last the busses pulled into the parking lot and several cars drove in . Several nervous looking recruits lined up at the tables . Elizabeth watched them all carefully . She could tell that a few of them were already wearing bulky diapers under their clothes . Most of them were trying rather unsuccessfully to hide the fact behind various pieces of luggage . For the next few hours Elizabeth busied herself with paper work while glancing out the window periodically into the exercise grounds . Just before supper most of the recruits were soaked . This was the only part that the Colonel complained about . Unfortunately on the first day the grass got wet . One of the ways of getting the recruits to accept their diapers was to let them go without them on the first day . After having an accident most of them were more willing to wear diapers . After supper Elizabeth changed into a pair of olive green scrubs and walked over to the exercise grounds . Some of the recruits had already finished showering and were sitting on the benches . Most of them looked exhausted . While the drill sergeants were explaining the drills that the recruits would be doing in the next few days , Elizabeth and some of the other nurses were getting the diapers ready to be passed out . She had ordered some of the privates to help carry the diapers onto the exercise grounds . The sun was beginning to sink towards the horizon causing the trees to cast shadows across the compound . The air was still hot and humid making Elizabeth 's scrubs stick to her . She made a mental note to talk to the Colonel tomorrow to see if he could cancel some of the drills tomorrow . The forecast was for 45 degrees and the last thing Elizabeth wanted was for the hospital to be full of recruits with heat stroke . She knew the drill sergeants wouldn 't approve especially Sergeant Howard . He never agreed with anything Elizabeth did and over the years they had become enemies . When she had introduced the idea of diapers he hated the idea and thought that they ruined his training exercises . " Each of you will be given three diapers and three pairs of plastic pants . These are part of your uniform for the next six weeks and you will not take them off unless you are instructed to do so . Anyone who takes off their diaper or tries to refuse to wear it will be punished . A nurse will diaper you . You are not allowed to put it on by yourself . You will be changed three times every day : when you wake up , before lunch , and before bed . Try to hold it for as long as you can before you wet your diaper . Don 't wet as soon as you feel the need to go . Do you understand me ? " " You are dismissed . Line up in front of the platform . After you get your diapers , head to your bunkhouse . The nurses will be there in a few minutes to help you . " Todd rolled over onto his back . He stretched his legs out and blinked the sleep from his eyes . Immediately he felt that something was wrong . He couldn 't feel the warm wet fabric of his diaper pressed up into his crotch . He moved his hand downwards and felt the front of his diaper . It was all warm and squishy but the part next to his skin felt dry . He became very confused . " If you are soaked then line up to be changed . We will be passing out some shirts to you that should keep you a little cooler . " A few of the soldiers stumbled out of their bunks . No one seemed in a hurry to dress and head outside into the scorching heat . Todd looked over to his friend Tony . Tony 's disposable was drooping down between his legs while his arms were raised trying to put on his uniform shirt . He was half asleep and did not appear to have heard the announcement . A nurse walked over to him and took his uniform shirt from him . Then she slipped a muscle shirt over his head . " I think you need a change too . Go line up . " Todd got up off his bed and stood up . His diaper was surprisingly heavy and was starting to fall down off his hips . As soon as he stood up he began to wet uncontrollably which only added to the heaviness and caused it to droop lower . He tried to stop himself from wetting but it was no use . He could feel the warm urine splashing into the diaper before it was absorbed under the wetness liner . After he finished wetting he waddled up to the table . He was surprised the diaper hadn 't leaked yet . Todd felt a little dizzy as he was waiting in line and he had a cramp in his stomach . He thought it was because he hadn 't eaten lunch yet . As he waited for his turn at the table he began to get dizzier . All of the sudden he felt the need to poop . He tried to hold it back making his face red with the effort . " Don 't try to hold it in . You will be changed in a few minutes anyways , " one of the nurses said from behind the table . Todd let go and pooped his diaper . It was very runny and Todd knew it wouldn 't be long before the diaper started to leak but he couldn 't stop himself . The cramps in his tummy were getting worse and the room was beginning to turn dark . Todd felt his knees buckling and the floor rushing up to meet him . He could hear the two nurses beside him and could feel them lift him onto the table . After you 've finished reading , you might want to return to the DailyDiapers Story Index |
The man lifted his head from the grass and looked around , his sight slowly adjusting to the dim predawn light . He was laying in someone 's front yard ( certainly not his own . . . he hoped ) , covered in dew as he watched a car drive by , oblivious to his presence . He rubbed a hand over his eyes and tried to remember the night before , but all he could recall was a fog surrounding him and something within it that he had been very afraid of . A chill passed through him although the morning was warm , and he slowly got to his feet and surveyed his surroundings . Jack Marshak cast a worried glance at the glass doors that separated Micki 's room from the kitchen and wondered for the third time that morning if his friend was going to be all right . It had been almost a month since the night of the thunderstorm . . . since the night Lewis Vendredi had tried to return to life by possessing Micki 's body and almost sacrificing Ryan Dallion . Jack had slept in the bed that used to be Ryan 's , waiting for the nightmares that would inevitably come , ready to try and comfort her if he could . . . but she would never let him close , like she was afraid to accept his help . " Morning , " she grunted , picking at the food with her fork . The dark patches under her eyes were maybe a little less intense today , and at least she would speak to him ; Jack hoped that these were signs of improvement . After all the awful things they had seen , one would think that it would get easier with time to deal with them but , in fact , it was just the opposite . Each ate in silence ; Micki never looked up from the table , and Jack was almost afraid to start a conversation . She had already broken down crying three times from what seemed to be nothing at all and refused to tell him why , which made it all the more frustrating . " Jack , I almost killed him . I remember holding the knife over his throat and saying the words . " She turned away , forcing the unwanted memories back into the box she had made for them . " I have to know , Jack . I have to know that he forgives me , that he 's all right . " She refused to let Jack see the tears in her eyes . " Micki , I . . . I think that would be fine . I 'm sure seeing him will do you good ; besides , it might help to get out of the store . " " Dammit , Jack , I 'm not a child . You can quit walking on eggshells around me , " she snapped . She shrank back in her chair as she saw the look of helplessness on Jack 's face . " I 'm sorry , Jack . " " It 's okay . " Jack covered her hand with his own and tried to smile a little . " I 'll call Mrs . Dallion , tell her that you 'll be stopping by . " " Thanks . " She watched Jack walk down the steps and waited for his footfalls to stop before she went into her bedroom and pulled the slim bottle of vodka from her dresser drawer . A few drinks ( and some mouthwash ) , and maybe she would be ready to face the world for another day . The man wandered through the neighborhood , the fear at the back of his mind growing larger with every step . He had no idea what his name was or where he lived , where he was now or how he had gotten here . As the children walked past him , he had an almost irresistible urge to stop one of them and ask where he was . . . but some adult might notice and get the wrong idea . He walked along , running a hand through his unruly black hair as he looked for something that might trigger a memory , any memory - The church . Across the street stood an old Episcopal church , St . Timothy 's , and he was sure that he had seen it somewhere before . He trotted to the doors and stepped inside , listening to the sudden silence . The church was small with two rows of pews lined up facing the altar . He walked forward a few steps before a voice came from beside him , startling him . " Nice day , isn 't it ? " " Yeah . . . yeah , it is . " The man looked at the priest who had spoken to him ; a man with graying hair , distinguished - looking , perhaps in his late fifties or early sixties and wearing dark glasses . " Excuse me , Father , but maybe you can help me . I 'm not sure what to do . " The priest listened as the man recounted his memories of the past few hours . . . his whole life story , as far as he could remember . The priest nodded as he finished and lifted a metal cane that was on the seat beside him . " It certainly sounds like you need some help . However , I suggest we start with the obvious ; have you checked for your wallet ? " The priest laughed when the man did not reply ; his face was beet red from embarrassment . " It 's all right , son . I suppose it just slipped your mind . " The man checked his pockets , but the only things within was a crumpled piece of paper covered in childlike scrawls and a dog - eared photograph of two boys smiling . " It 's not here , " he said . " But I 've got something that looks . . . looks like it was drawn by a kindergartner , and a photo . But I guess that wouldn 't help you much . " The old man chortled for a moment as the man smoothed the paper and looked up in one corner . " It says . . . ' James Dallion ' . " He looked back up at the priest but the man was no longer paying him any attention , as if the mention of the name were going to bring a ghost . " Father ? " " You can 't be him , son . You . . . you just can 't . " The priest stood up and walked toward the door , carefully working his way down the row of pews with his cane in one hand . McClaren slowly turned back to the man , a tear running down his cheek . " Your name might be James Dallion . . . but you can 't be the James Dallion that I remember . Lord , that boy was so full of energy , full of life . . . I suppose you 'd be about the same age . " The priest walked closer to him and raised a bony hand . " Don 't be afraid , " he said as the man started to pull away . " It 's how I see . " The hand ran over his face , into all the nooks and crevices , exploring the skin and hair before the priest slowly lowered it . He sat down heavily , almost falling to the floor before the man could help him to a seat . " It 's not possible . You can 't be James . . . but you are . " Micki had just pulled on her jacket when Jack came back up the steps . " I 've called her ; she said that Ryan will be home around three - thirty , and that you 're more than welcome to come over . " He stopped and looked at her for just a moment before he asked , " Where are you going ? " " For a walk . I just need to spend some time alone right now . " Jack nodded and turned away , allowing Micki a quick sip before she hid the bottle in her jacket pocket . " I 'll call a cab when I 'm ready to come home , Jack ; there 's no reason to wait up for me . " The man sat back in the pew and cradled his head in his hands . It could not be true , he thought , but it felt right . . . and that was what mattered . " How . . . how did it happen ? " " I was your priest from the time you were born , James . I watched you grow older , you and your brother Ryan , and I hoped that you 'd both become good men when you grew up . Then , one September afternoon in 1975 , I got a frantic call from your mother . She said that you were dead , you 'd been chasing a baseball and get ten hit by a car . I presided over the service , I watched the casket lower into the earth . . . and then I watched your family fall apart . Your mother left one day and never came back , leaving your father to raise Ryan alone . I lost touch with them not long after , but I gather it was a hard road for the two of them . " Memories - an autumn afternoon , the scent of fresh leather of baseball gloves , the rough surface of a battered baseball - washed over him . He could see his brother throwing the ball , could see it bounce off of a car hood and out into the street , could see himself running after it . . . and watched helplessly as the red muscle car slammed into him and threw him into the air . He saw what life he had experienced flash through his mind - birthday parties , arguments between his parents , hunting worms with his brother , everything . He did not know how much time had passed before he lifted his head and looked at the priest again . " I remember , Father . I remember who I am . . . who I was . " Father McClaren nodded and took James ' hand in his own . " I don 't understand why you 're here , James . Perhaps I 'm not meant to . . . but you need help , and I 'll do whatever I can . " The priest stood up and began walking toward the back of the church , navigating the area expertly without help of the cane . He walked into his office and sat behind his cluttered desk , which was overflowing with sheets of paper and news articles . " A lot of my boys help me out by reading to me ; it helps me to feel normal . You used to read to me , too , back when I still had some vision left . " The priest lifted a phone book and pushed it into James ' hands . " Let 's start by looking for your parents . " " Nonsense . You 're breathing , you 're solid . If I were a betting man , I 'd wager good money that it would hurt if I hit you with my cane . I don 't know how the Lord brought you here to me , but I think it has something to do with your family . " " Maybe they need you right now , James . Or - maybe - you need them . Whatever the reason , we have to find them . Get to looking , boy . " The priest snapped his fingers and James opened the thick Chicago area phone book , immediately going to the ' D ' section . He ran his finger down the pages , looking for his own last name , finally running the tip of his nail down one line of text . " Dallion , Anne H . , 176 Berglund Court , Edgewood , Illinois . There 's a number here , too . No Ryan Dallion or Ray , though . " He scrawled the information down on a slip of paper McClaren handed to him and then stared at it for a few minutes . " I . . . I don 't think that this is the kind of thing that she should find out over the phone . If I 'm going to do this , I need to do it face - to - face . " The priest smiled . " I was hoping that you were going to say that . " He picked up the phone and dialed in a number . " Bill ? This is Father McClaren , over at Saint Timothy 's . Yeah , I was wondering if your men could keep an eye on the place for a few hours ; I 've got some business I need to take care of . Thank you , Bill . I 'll see you Sunday , of course . " He hung up the phone and smiled . " The benefits of being friends with a cop are without limit , you know . I suppose we should get going ; Edgewood isn 't far from here , and it should be pretty clear that I can 't drive , and neither can you . It 'll be a nice walk for both of us . " The leaves were falling over Micki as she sat in the park , embracing her in red and gold as she watched the geese swim lazily across the pond that stretched through the grass and trees . She had walked for over an hour to get here , trying to lose herself in the calmness of the day , but the memories would not be still . The scene replayed itself over and over in her mind : young Ryan lying unconscious on the desk , with her own hand holding a long butcher knife over his throat , ready to kill an innocent boy . She told herself again and again that it was not her fault , that the spirit of Lewis Vendredi had been the one controlling her actions . . . but she did not believe that for a moment . Every now and then , she took another drink from the bottle , careful to keep it hidden from prying eyes . Alcohol had been a constant companion while she was growing up ; her father had a major drinking problem when she was in school , and her sister Deirdre , two years her senior , had often snuck off to parties and come home drunk in the middle of the night . Micki had taken care of her many times and knew what alcohol could to to people , even though she never talked about it with Jack or Johnny ; that was a part of her life she had wanted to keep separate from who she was now . But after the night of the thunderstorm , the nightmares and the guilt , it seemed almost natural , almost logical , to find solace at the bottom of the bottle . Her father had been dry for many years now , so she knew that she could stop . . . but right now , the pleasant dulling of her senses and memories were far more preferable than the reality of what she had done . She had been there for several hours when she heard a gravelly voice say , " Excuse me . " Turning around , she saw an aging man dressed in a gray overcoat with a white cleric 's collar ringing his throat and dark glasses . " Mind if I sit for a spell ? " " It 's a beautiful view , isn 't it , young lady ? The geese always come here in the fall , huge flocks of them . You have the best seat in the house , you know . " He looked out over the water and sighed . " There are some things that losing one 's sight can 't ever take away . Still , it would be wonderful to see them again . " " Of course . Everybody , no matter what they might have done , is deserving of a second chance in the eyes of the Lord . " He paused for a moment , a thoughtful look on his face . " What 's troubling you ? " The priest laughed , a hearty sound that filled the air . " On this day , I think I might understand anything . But you have every right not to talk about it if that is your wish . " " But I do , Father . I have to tell someone , or I 'll never . . . I 'll never be free of what I 've done . That 's where I 'm going today , to see an old friend . To beg his forgiveness . " She tossed a pebble into the pond , watching the ripples spread out . " He doesn 't remember me now . He doesn 't even know it happened . How can he forgive me for what he can 't remember that I did ? " " The heart knows . The heart always knows , even if we forget . If you truly mean what you say , then he will forgive you . " He paused for a moment , listening to the tranquility of the park . " You have a heavy burden , too heavy for such a beautiful young lady . " The sound of footsteps came up behind them , and a young man dressed in a blue windbreaker , T - shirt and jeans handed a bag of crumbled bread to the priest who began tossing pieces out to the swans , bringing them closer to shore . " Ah , James . Sit with us for a while and enjoy the day . This young lady is - ? " " James . Nice to meet you . " He sat down between them and stared out at the water , his hands clasped tightly together . " Father , shouldn 't we be going soon ? " " Nonsense , my boy . It 's a fine day , and I haven 't been out in far too long . " the priest threw a handful of bread into the water and listened as the swans swam closer . Micki looked at the newcomer and was almost shocked by how much like Ryan he looked . The same jaw , the same thin face , the same shade of hair . . . but his eyes were unclouded by the years of guilt that Ryan had experienced after his brother 's death . But he wasn 't Ryan ; Ryan was a twelve - year old boy now , living with his mother in a house a few miles away . Anne Dallion slowly stood before the grave of her son and looked across the cemetery at all the other marble headstones that dotted the landscape like an orchard of death . She had not once come here alone in the past fifteen years , not once come here to visit her younger son , James . " Hello , Jimmy , " she whispered . " I know it 's been a long time , but I just . . . I just couldn 't bear to come here . It hurt too badly , you see . " She knelt by the stone and ran her fingers over the lettering . " Are you watching me now ? Can you feel me here , still mourning for you after all this time ? Ryan is doing well at school ; he seems to be a better student than I remember . . . but then , that was a long time ago , wasn 't it ? " I love you , Jimmy . I hope you know that . " Tears brimmed in her eyes as she walked back to her car , parked near the cemetery gates . She had not walked inside this place since a year before . . . since the day she had entered her son Ryan 's life once again . She still did not understand how her older boy - who was in his mid - twenties - had been turned into a child , but once the chance had been offered to try again she had taken it , vowing not to make any mistakes this time . Of course mistakes had been made , but they were the typical parenting mistakes that mothers and fathers would make until the end of time ; Ryan was once again the sweet boy she remembered , and she would never change that . Driving onto the street she checked her watch ; it was almost time to get to Ryan 's school and pick him up . It was going to be an eventful afternoon ; his cousin Micki was coming by to visit , and she didn 't want to be late . Micki looked at her watch in response to the priest 's question . " Almost three o ' clock . I 'd better get going if I 'm going to make it on time . " " So should we , Father . It 's still a mile or two . " He took McClaren 's arm in his own and walked to the sidewalk , Micki right beside them . " Are you headed this way ? " A smile turned the corners of McClaren 's mouth up . " Of course not , young lady . The more , the merrier , I always say . Come on , James ; you have an important date to keep . " As they walked , the conversation turned to more typical matters ; the weather , the Cubs and their perpetual missed chances for the pennant . As the group turned onto Berglund Court , Micki caught sight of the house she had broken into not a week before to kidnap Ryan and stopped cold , fear gripping her heart . The other men stopped and McClaren said , " What 's the matter ? " " Why not ? It 's just a street with houses on it , like thousands of others in the city . Surely there 's nothing to fear in that . " The priest tugged on James ' arm for confirmation , but the young man was looking at a particular house about halfway down the block with the name Dallion stencilled in bold letters on a white mailbox . Micki looked at where James was staring , right at the mailbox , and for an instant wondered how he could have such a reaction to it as well . . . then realized that the house was his destination as well . James . . . no , Jimmy . Jimmy Dallion , she thought . " Oh , my God . You 're his brother , aren 't you ? You 're Ryan 's brother . " " I used to . I 'm his cousin , Micki Foster . I guess that makes me your cousin , too . But how did you get here ? You 're - " " Dead ? Yeah , so I 've been told . Father McClaren used to be my priest , and says that he buried me . " James looked to the priest , but the older man seemed to be looking at Micki in amazement . " This cannot be coincidence , you know . James coming back to us on this particular day , and us meeting up with you as you are visiting his brother . . . it cannot be just a coincidence . The Lord meant it to happen this way . " He shook his head . " It seems we all have an appointment to keep . " " What 's wrong , Ryan ? " Anne asked her son as he sat at the kitchen table , head held dejectedly in his hands . " Are you having trouble at school ? " " I had a dream last night , like there was a storm coming . . . only it wasn 't a storm , it was something that was going to happen just to you and me . I dreamed about cousin Micki , too , only she was all sad like she did something wrong and felt bad about it . I didn 't like it . " Anne sighed softly and sat down across the kitchen table from her son , wondering how such a young boy could have such foreboding dreams . They did not occur often , but when they did Ryan was greatly affected . . . and this seemed to be the worst one he had ever had . She did not know if it had something to do with Micki coming over to visit ( she had not told Ryan yet ) , but she could not rule it out . " It 's only a dream , Ryan . Dreams don 't have to come true , not if we don 't like them . " A knock came from the front door and Anne stood and went to answer it , hoping that Micki would be able to pull Ryan out of his funk . Lord knows , he 's had enough reason to be in one , she thought , grasping the knob and pulling the front door open . As she had hoped , Micki was indeed standing there . . . but there was a man beside her , dressed as a priest ; with a shock , she realized that it was her old parish priest , Father McClaren . " Father , what a surprise ! I didn 't know you were still in Chicago , or that you knew Micki . " " Hello , Anne . It 's good to hear your voice , even if I can 't see you . And , to be honest , I didn 't know Micki until just a couple of hours ago . We didn 't even know we were coming to the same place until just now . " The priest cast a glance over his shoulder at a man that Anne couldn 't quite make out . " We have . . . someone you should meet . Is Ryan home ? He might want to meet our friend , too . " " Sure , I 'll get him . . . please , come inside , sit down ! " Anne briskly walked back to the kitchen as the trio walked into the house and into the living room . McClaren sat down of the sofa , while Micki and James stood , looking at the pictures of two boys hung on the wall . " Look at us . . . we were close , Micki . I worshiped the ground he walked on . . . well , almost . We were as close as any two people could be , I think . " Micki put a hand on his shoulder . " What am I going to say to them ? " " Say what you feel , James . That 's all you can do . " Both turned around as Anne came back into the room with a young dark - haired boy following her , his eyes cast down to the floor . " Ryan , you remember Micki , don 't you ? And this is Father McClaren , who . . . who hasn 't seen you in a long time . And this is . . . " Her voice trailed off as she looked at the young man who stood before her , his eyes full of tears . " It 's me , Mom . It 's Jimmy . " He wrapped his arms around his mother , holding her as tears flowed down both their faces . " I remember you , too , short stuff . " James knelt down and hugged his brother fiercely , holding on as if to let go would be letting go of reality , of life , itself . " I know why I 'm here now . I know why I had to come . You blamed yourself , Ryan ; you blamed yourself for my death . But you didn 't kill me , it was a stupid accident . Never think that you did something wrong , ever , because you didn 't . " He looked his brother in the eyes and smiled crookedly . " I had to come back from the dead to tell you that , so you 'd better take me seriously . " Then the cloth under her hands was gone , as were the people she was embracing and the house she was in , replaced by her own dreary bedroom . She was kneeling on the floor , still in her bedclothes , tears running down her face for people that were not even there . " Oh , God , no . . . " she whispered , and then broke into tears again ; not of joy , but of sorrow for the place she found herself in . It was all just a dream , she realized as Jack lifted her onto the bed and held her close , trying to console her , having no idea what she had just experienced . Just another damn dream , like all the others . After Jack left the room Micki closed the doors and pulled her dresser drawer open , removing the bottle of vodka and unscrewing the cap . The liquid went down smooth and fast , removing the edge of yet another dream . One more down , she thought , and a lifetime to go . |
Eleanor sighed and reached into the dusty box again . Pulling out another handful of papers , she sorted through them quickly . Nothing - only old bills , receipts , a few newspaper clippings . All went into the trash . She looked into the box . Oh , what was this , a book ? No - a journal . Now this might be interesting . She flipped through a few pages and recognized her mother 's elegant handwriting . No . I 'll read it later - Mother 's life can 't have been too mysterious . " Coffee , Ellie ? " Roy always knew . " Oh , Roy , thanks . " She smiled at him and accepted the cup - a little sugar and half milk , just as she liked it . Roy never failed . " I 'm getting near the end , Roy . I just have to finish one last box of papers . Sit , have some coffee with me . I need company . " Roy poured himself a cup and sat gingerly at the edge of the kitchen chair farthest away from Eleanor . Won 't he ever just act human ? It was 1950 , the world has changed . But he was the son and grandson of black house servants . Eleanor guessed he had to be extremely careful never to cross the line between master and servant . The color of his skin could have allowed him to pass as - not Caucasian - perhaps Latin American . After the death of Eleanor 's mother three short months ago during the unusually harsh winter , Eleanor was left alone . Roy and the household maid , Sara , were the only servants remaining after the sale of most of the land around the small plantation house . But her father 's investments before his death ten years ago had provided sufficient income to support Eleanor and her mother . The old house was a day 's carriage ride , or an hour 's drive in a car , from the outskirts of New Orleans . " No , I 'm happy here . I have my books , and the chickens to look after , and my grown chick . " Roy grinned at her , then lowered his head . " Tomorrow 's Sunday . Don 't you want to go to mass ? " " Well , maybe - will you need anything ? I 'll fix your breakfast , leave about ten and be back couple of hours later . " The rest of that Saturday day saw the end of the boxes of papers . Eleanor showered the dust of ages from her body and changed into her nightgown . Taking the journal she had found in the box with her , she climbed into her old four - poster bed and tried to read , but sleep took her quickly . She had brought the journal with her , after wistfully considering the novel she had begun . Always eating alone now , she had taken to reading while she ate . Might as well see if Mother 's hiding any secrets from me , then I 'll be done with that huge task . Eleanor opened the fading red leather cover of the journal . The flyleaf bore the inscription , " Mrs . Grace Beaumont , Mount Haven Plantation , Christmas , 1927 . " Two years before Eleanor 's birth . The first entry began , " Thank you , dear Father , for a lovely and useful gift . You will never know what deep and tangled feelings I 'll be recording here . I wish I could confide in you and ask for your advice , but my life has taken a turn you could not comprehend or approve . " Eleanor 's eyes widened . She calculated - her grandfather had died when she was a tiny child . He lived close to the family his daughter had married into , and saw them frequently . What must her mother have done that Grandpapa would not approve of ? Her saintly mother , the darling of the entire parish ! The next few pages described the first days of 1928 , giving the usual details of the plantation life , still growing cotton and giving employment to about fifty people . Eleanor remembered her Grandmother Beaumont , the benevolent tyrant of the household until her death in the mid 1930s . After Grace 's marriage to Louis Beaumont , her mother happily left the running of the household to her mother - in - law until the older lady 's death . Then she just as happily took over the reins herself . Eleanor saw nothing in the writings that her mother 's father might not approve of . She skimmed the pages of the entire book . Her mother had written some poetic passages about the changing seasons and daily plantation life , nothing else . Toward the end of the volume , the entries were less frequent , and the last few pages were written just after Eleanor 's birth . Her mother 's last entry read , " How lucky we are ! Curly blond hair , a champagne complexion ! A beautiful baby girl , Eleanor . " Eleanor closed the book . Holding it between her two hands , she wished for more . She must have written more . There 's no explanation for that first entry . She opened the book again . The pages were coming free of the binding , probably because of age and humidity . Were there pages missing ? She pulled on her slacks , saddled her pinto mare , Molly , and cantered out the entrance to the plantation , through the overhanging oleanders , and onto the road . Her mind was still on the journal , and soon Molly slowed to a walk , then stopped to graze along the roadside . " Molly , come on , let 's go ! I 'm not paying attention to you and you 're just taking advantage . " Eleanor urged her into a trot , then after a few minutes turned her around and headed home . She found Roy in the kitchen preparing the usual Sunday chicken dinner . Eleanor showered and changed , then joined him . She had begun to take all her meals at the small kitchen table . The dining room was far too large for one person . She had grown used to Roy , silent in the background , but always there if anything was needed , or if she wanted to chat . She brought the journal with her to the table . Eleanor watched him for a moment . " I wish you would sit and eat with me , or at least sit and be comfortable while I eat . You are too well trained . " " That wouldn 't be right , Ellie . " He busied himself with a saucepan on the stove , his back to her . " Well , I don 't know what 's not right about it . We are the only ones here , and you are family . " " No , not family . I could never be . Not here in this parish . What if someone came in ? " " Who would come in ? And they 'd certainly give us some warning . The old floors creak , you know . " " Ellie , I 'm curious , just can 't hold it in . Did your mother write anything about me ? " She thought for a moment . " No , and that 's odd . She wrote about the doings of the house and plantation , and other workers , but she didn 't mention you . Were you working in the house then ? " " Not all the time . " " Would you like to see the book ? " Still pondering the vague mystery of her mother 's journal the next morning , Eleanor rode Molly to the small schoolhouse where neighborhood children gathered for their first few years of school . Eleanor organized the school and had the concrete block house built a few years ago . She and her friend Julie instructed the thirty children , all of whom were colored , colors ranging from deepest ebony to cream . White children were bussed to the school in town . Julie had opened the building and welcomed the early arrivals . Eleanor turned Molly out into the small paddock behind the school . Two or three other horses , ridden in by the children , would join Molly . Julie 's bicycle and a few others leaned against the outside wall . Julie took the smallest children to one part of the room , and Eleanor tried to instill reading and arithmetic in those children who would ordinarily be in the fifth and sixth grades . Her college degree in elementary education suited her well for this volunteer job , which had been her intention for as long as she could remember . She wondered how she could combine school teaching in the country with marriage to a New Orleans banker . Eleanor had met Richard at college and they planned to marry , but her mother 's illness interrupted their plans . The delay gave Eleanor time to reconsider , and although she cared for Richard enough to make a life with him , she loved her house and her job and hated the thought of moving to the city . She was not anxious to open the subject with Richard , now that she had no reason for delaying the wedding . Puzzled , Eleanor looked at him . His face was somber , his eyes shadowed . " Why would you . . . ? " No , better not to question him . He could be stubborn . Eleanor welcomed Richard home the following week with a picnic dinner on the veranda . Sunday meant chicken again , southern fried , one of Roy 's specialties . Richard had driven his prewar Ford convertible out to the hacienda , taking much less time than a carriage ride would . " No , we couldn 't , Ellie . I don 't like horses and I never rode well . I don 't like the idea of your riding around the countryside by yourself . When we get married you won 't need a horse . " " I can 't give up Molly , she 's a love . I ride her to school . " " And you won 't need to go to that shabby little schoolhouse anymore , either . " " You 're talking about changing my life , Richard . I can 't give up the school , and I won 't give up Molly . " " And I 'd drive back and forth every day ? That won 't work , Ellie . You have to move to the city , get rid of the house . My family 's house is big enough for us and the ten children we 'll have . " He put his arm around her shoulder and hugged . " You know , it 's time you retired Roy , too . It isn 't seemly that you should live here alone with him . " " Oh ! I hadn 't thought of that . No , Roy has no place to go - I could retire him but he wouldn 't consider himself retired . And I love him like a brother . " " You shouldn 't say things like that , Ellie . People will believe you , and they 'll wonder . My parents have already asked me about Roy . " Eleanor didn 't answer . What would they ask , why would they wonder ? He 's family , don 't they understand ? Doesn 't Richard understand that ? Richard moved away from Eleanor - she watched his brown eyes narrow , his brow crease . " Ellie , I must go . Next week we must make some definite plans . We need to set a date and reserve the cathedral . " Molly poked along the road to the schoolhouse the next morning , with Eleanor deep in thought on her back . Sleep had escaped her the previous night . She needed to talk with Julie , her best friend . A few years older , Julie could always offer advice or a shoulder to cry on . Julie put her hand on Eleanor 's arm . " Sounds to me like you two are about to follow different paths in life . I don 't like what he plans for you . " Eleanor wiped a tear from her eye . " I do care for him , but I don 't think I can let him change my life so much . I love my home , I love the school , and I adore Roy . And Molly . I can 't face giving them up . " " My mom always told me marriage is a sacrifice . I don 't think she meant that great a sacrifice . Don 't tell Richard you prefer Roy to him , or any of those other things . But do tell him you 're having second thoughts . " Julie met Eleanor before class started the next day . " Mom agreed with us about Richard . She also told me something strange - you should look at old Doc Hansen 's records on your father . All of them . " She hesitated a moment before speaking , taking in the youthful face behind the wire - rimmed spectacles . " Doctor , a good friend of mine , and friend of my father 's , advised me to look into my father 's medical record . He was a patient of your father all his adult life . Do you have access to your father 's records ? " Eleanor shook her head . " I 'm not sure . I planned on getting married and asked her for advice . I 've about decided that Richard is not the man for me , and my friend agrees . " Her hands gripped her purse , twisting the handles . " I don 't know if that has something to do with my father 's medical history or not . Could it be I 've inherited a weakness that I wouldn 't want to pass on to my children ? " " That 's a good reason to take a look at the records . " He leaned forward , studying her face . " I have some of my father 's records , stored away in boxes in the attic . I 'll have to see if Mister Beaumont 's are available , and I 'll need to review them before letting you have access to them . I think you understand . " " Not so much . My mother and I ate here alone for several years . Now , when I 'm by myself , I make do in the kitchen . " " I 've decided not to retire him . I can 't do it , Richard . And I 'm finding it difficult to cope with the idea of moving to New Orleans and leaving my home here . I need some time . " " Don 't take too much time , Eleanor . I don 't want to wait any longer . You don 't have your mother to worry about now , and enough time has passed for you to recover from your grief . I want to get married right away . " She frowned and put down her fork . " I don 't take well to ultimatums , Richard . Perhaps we should call off the engagement , at least for a while . " He pulled his chair back , away from the table . " I 'm sorry you feel that way . Call me when - if - you decide you could stand to marry me . " " I 'm sorry , too , Richard . I certainly didn 't mean to lead you on . We haven 't had much chance to talk things over , and I didn 't realize how my life would change . " Dr . James Hansen called Eleanor a few days later . He had found Louis Beaumont 's medical records . Eleanor made an appointment to go over them with him . He welcomed her to his office , smiling briefly and then turning serious . " I 'm happy to have located the files without too much digging . You 'll find some information here which might be upsetting , but it 's something you should know . " The doctor pulled an old file folder from a drawer in his desk . " My father was somewhat older than yours , but he began to see Louis Beaumont when he first started in practice . Your father was about fifteen at the time . Here 's the first record - an infected cut on his hand . " She ran her finger down the page . " It says - Louis suspected he had an abnormality of some kind and asked Dr . Hansen to advise him privately . The doctor asked him to come in with his mother or father . " " That would be normal procedure with a minor . But he wanted to describe the problem first , before he brought his parents in . That 's where this record ends . I think we can assume that the boy told my dad about the abnormality . Next , Louis comes back with his father . " He handed her the record . " Penile dysfunction . " Eleanor read aloud . " I understand that , but wouldn 't that be rare for a fifteen - year - old ? Does that mean he was sleeping with someone ? " She could not prevent a flush rising to her face . " Not necessarily . Probably , as a normal teen - age boy , he would have experimented and talked to other boys . It 's more likely that he could not complete a sexual act . Dad wrote here that it appeared to be a congenital condition and irreversible . " She caught her breath . " Oh , my poor father ! How he must have suffered . " Dr . Hansen placed his hands on the desk and pushed his chair back , his solemn face watching Eleanor . " What does this mean to you , Miss Beaumont ? " " It means - am I right ? It means he was not my father . " " That 's a logical conclusion . It may not be a true one . But it is information that a person should have , in my opinion . Nothing more is entered on that subject . Only a broken arm later , an attack of poison ivy , minor things . " " Julie , I need to talk to your mother . " Eleanor swung down from the saddle and began to undo the cinch . " The doctor left me with a dilemma , a conundrum , a puzzle . " " Now which is it ? Sure , come home with me tonight . I think we 're havin ' a pot roast for supper . Can you give me a hint ? " " I 'd rather explain it just once . I don 't know if I could go through it more than one time . " " Well , I hope my mom can help you . Looks like you 've not been sleeping well . " After the school day , Eleanor followed Julie to her home and they sat on the front porch with tall glasses of lemonade . The afternoon sun shone from the side , almost too warm . The summer was going to be a scorcher . Julie 's mother joined them . Mrs . Grey reached out and patted Eleanor 's arm . " I always wanted to let you know about this problem , Ellie , but I didn 't know how to start . I 'm glad you confided in Julie and me about your problems with Richard . " " Ellie , your mother and I were great friends . I was also a friend of your grandmother Beaumont . We talked . Your grandmother confided in me once how horrified she was when she found out her son , your father , could not have children . She said she took to her bed for a week in mourning . She had trouble with his birth , and afterwards she couldn 't get pregnant again , so the Beaumont family 's bloodline ended with Louis . " Eleanor mourned the loss of her father 's virility just as his own mother had , many years ago . She could never stop thinking of him as her father . No matter the circumstances , Louis had always been caring and gentle with her , and had shown his great , paternal love . He helped to guide her way through life until the day he died . She was , indeed , his creation . But she found it difficult to cope with the knowledge that he could not have been her natural father . Everyone had a father , didn 't they ? Why didn 't she ? Why had her parents kept this overwhelming fact from her ? Was it simply because they were embarrassed , or were there other circumstances she should know about ? Eleanor had lost her bearings . She 'd turned away the man she was to marry and now she didn 't know who she really was . For days she was depressed , unable to sleep and eating little . She did not want to leave the house , except to go to the schoolhouse , where she knew who she was and what she should be doing . A week had passed since her last visit to the doctor when Roy finally spoke to her . " Ellie , are you sick ? You 're not eating , not sleeping . What 's wrong ? Can I do anything for you ? She looked at him over the rim of her coffee cup - half coffee , half milk , a little sugar . " I wish you could , Roy . You know I broke up with Richard . " " I 'm sure not unhappy about that . He just didn 't seem right for you . He didn 't care about the things you care about . " " Roy , you have a place here as long as you and I live . Don 't be concerned about that . " Eleanor studied his face , wondering . " You grew up with Father , didn 't you ? How did you come to be here ? " " A short , sad story . Your grandparents took in my mama when her master kicked her out . He 'd made her pregnant . He wasn 't from around here . Your granddad called him a carpetbagger . He 'd grabbed some land and treated the servants badly . He died a few years later , and my mama died when I was born . Mister Beaumont , he raised me and sent me to school , right along with Mister Louis . He and your grandmother were my true parents , and Mister Louis was like a brother to me . " She frowned . " But you have an education . You could have gotten a job in town , made good money . Why did you stay on here as a butler ? " " You don 't know how difficult it is for a colored man to get a decent job , Ellie . I looked around for a while , when I graduated from high school . I found no job better than this one . Also , I loved your family , all of them , and they always treated me like one of them . Now , you are the only family I have , and I think you 're not well . " " I 'm just getting used to the idea . . . Roy , did my father ever tell you he had medical problems ? " Now why did I mention that to Roy ? Father kept it a secret , and I should , too . That Saturday , a black Buick pulled up to the front of the house . Eleanor watched Dr . Hansen get out . He stood for a moment , looking around , then closed the car door and approached the veranda . She grinned at him . " Welcome , whatever you want to call it . I hoped for some company this Saturday afternoon . Come in . I 'll get you some iced tea . Let 's sit out here on the veranda . " " Please call me James . Mainly , I wanted to see how you were getting along after that shock I gave you a couple of weeks ago . And I wanted to know you better . " " Not that I know of . The mother of my friend Julie was close to the women in the family . She 's the one who suggested I find the medical records . She said my grandmother 's greatest sorrow was finding that my father would be the last Beaumont . Except for me , of course . But then , I 'm not a Beaumont by blood , am I ? " " Yes , Roy , we would , thank you . " Eleanor turned to James . " Roy here is the closest family I have , now . He 's been with the Beaumonts since he was born . Roy , this is Dr . Hansen . " Roy inclined his head . " Glad to meet you , Doctor . " " Same here , Roy . " James smiled at the older man . " Miss Beaumont , have you asked Roy what he knows ? " ' " He says he knows nothing . Actually , he said I didn 't want to know . I 've been musing over that for several days , now , Roy . " James stood and began to walk around the veranda . " You know , Eleanor , it would be good to know who your natural parents are , for medical reasons . If there 's anyone . . . maybe Roy knows of someone who could enlighten us . " ' James said in a low voice , " He knows something , and he wants to tell you . Give him time . " He sat again , on the wicker chair next to Eleanor . " Do you ride , Miss Beaumont ? I see you have a great place to keep horses . " " Oh , please , James , call me Eleanor . Yes , I have a beloved sweet mare named Molly . She takes me to school and brings me home every day , and on the weekends we often go roaming . Do you like to ride ? " " I do , and I 'm looking for a place to board my horse . The stable where he lives now is not adequate , and he has no freedom . Do you think Molly would like a companion ? " " She 'd love it , and I 'd love some company roaming around on the weekends . " " It 's a deal . Do you have an extra stall ? I could bring Bill out next weekend . " Roy was unusually silent during the next few days . In his presence , Eleanor tried not to show her concern , but she knew that Roy sensed her anxiety . She carried on like she always did , with her simple , undemanding way of life . She got a lot of reading done in the quiet kitchen . One Saturday morning , as Eleanor lingered over her toast and eggs , Roy said , " Ellie , I want to tell you a story . It may be true , or it may not be . The ending is the truth . " He flashed a quick smile and again sat as far away from her as possible at the small table . " This story begins where I begin , born here on the plantation . Of course I don 't remember my birth , and my poor mother didn 't survive it . You know that . But I 've been told that people - my people , the colored people - worried when they saw how light I was . That is always a problem , unless the light - skinned person is able to find a supporting place and hang on for dear life . " When I was about six years old , they took me into the house - this house - to become a companion to your father . I always felt like a servant , but I knew I was a loved and protected servant . Observing the life of other colored people , even in such a well - run and liberal plantation as this one , I knew I was fortunate , and I was content . " I went to school with Mister Louis - the first two or three years with a tutor here on the plantation - and his dad encouraged me to continue , even though we had to go to separate schools . I was given a mule and rode five miles away , to a schoolhouse similar to the one you built here . High school was difficult , but your grandfather found a family in the outskirts of New Orleans where I could stay during the week . He paid my room and board , and I rode that mule many miles to return home on the weekends . " Before Mister Louis went away to college , I met Miss Grace . She was the prettiest girl around , and only sixteen when she , among other young women , began to spend time at the plantation . Louis 's parents and Miss Grace 's , too , wanted a match between the two . I fell in love with Miss Grace the moment I saw her . Always in the background , I watched her constantly . She noticed . Gave me a little smile whenever our eyes met . My God , was she interested in me ? Could not be . " She found opportunities to talk with me . It was hard for me to respond - I wasn 't used to being treated as an equal , in spite of my caring family . She noticed that , too , that all the Beaumonts treated me gently , almost - almost ! - like family . Before long , she would walk around the grounds with me , asking me about the different plants . She loved to go to the stables . At that time we had about six horses , some for riding , others for the carriage and for working the farm . She asked me to introduce her to them . When I did , in the stable by ourselves with only the horses looking on , she put her hand on my arm and looked into my eyes . I was struck dumb . " Roy gasped , rubbed his eyes . " This is the hardest part of the story , and I 'm not ready to tell it to you yet . Ellie , give me a couple of days to pull my fantasy story together . " He rose and left the kitchen . What was she to think ? Obviously , Roy and her mother cared for each other . What happened then ? Her mind whirling , she knew Roy was right to put off the rest of the story until she 'd absorbed the first part . James brought his gelding the next day , and the two went riding through the numerous trails and paths in the plantation lands . Woods were plentiful , and summer was in full sway . Hedges and trees were crowded with leaves , with branches often overhanging the trails . Birds dipped and trilled through the greenery . She was wary . She didn 't want to confide in anyone what Roy had told her until she knew the end of his story . Maybe not even then . But she felt she might need advice with accepting what Roy would reveal . James , a doctor , might be the most helpful . Her mind drifted . Was Roy going to tell her about how she was conceived ? Or was she adopted ? She had to wait until Roy was ready to tell her . Back at the house , Roy served them coffee on the shady veranda and returned inside . James peered at Eleanor 's face . " You seem preoccupied . Is something wrong ? " " I may be able to tell you when Roy finishes his story . " She smiled at him . " You were correct in thinking it was only a matter of time . But he hasn 't got to the critical part yet and I 'm not sure I can handle it . I might need your professional help . " " I 'll be here whenever you need me , my dear . " After serving Eleanor a light supper the next day , Roy again sat at the far end of the kitchen table . " I 'm not sure how to continue the story . " " Yes . Miss Grace and I found opportunities to be alone , until Mister Louis went to college . She had no excuse to keep visiting but I couldn 't give up her companionship . So I would go to her house frequently , and we 'd meet in the woods or in the barn , and just chat . I was afraid to touch her , but she often took my arm , and seemed happy to be close to me . We were in love , but also afraid . We made every effort to cover up our meetings . " When he came back , he told Miss Grace that he loved her but couldn 't marry her - and he told her why . But he had observed our glances at each other , and knew that we were more than friends . The generous soul that he was , your father suggested that , if Miss Grace was willing , he would go through the motions of marrying her so she could live near me . " Neither of us ever thought of such a plan . When Miss Grace told me what Louis proposed , I was shocked . I wouldn 't see her . Such a thing could not happen . But when Louis saw how the idea affected me , he talked to me . He told me he needed a wife , and he could live with the arrangement . And so it came to be . " Eleanor was distraught , horrified . She began to cry . She shouted at him , " Roy , leave me in peace . Don 't come near me . I can 't accept this . Just . . . go ! " It did not matter that Roy was not there to prepare Eleanor 's meals . She could not eat . She did not go to the school the next day . Julie came to the house in the afternoon . When , after fifteen minutes of knocking and calling , she saw Eleanor come to the door , she gasped . Eleanor had not changed her clothes since the day before . Her hair was disheveled , her face puffy . Eleanor tried to speak , cleared her throat and began again in a strangled voice , " Julie , I can 't see you now . Please leave me alone . " She turned and walked back toward her bedroom . Julie brought her mother the next day . Eleanor shuffled to the door , dressed only in a wrinkled nightgown . Mrs . Grey said , " Ellie , I know most of what happened , and I can guess the rest . You have nothing to hide . Let 's talk . Have you eaten ? " Mrs . Grey took charge . " Come on into the kitchen , you two . Let me see what there is to eat . " In minutes , she placed a plate of scrambled eggs and a glass of milk in front of Eleanor . She sat close to Eleanor and put her hand on her shoulder . " Where 's Roy . Has he left ? " " I don 't know . I don 't care . " Julie came back . " James would be Dr . Hansen . I think he already knows , if there 's anything to know . He 'll come right away . " Julie began to relate the happenings at the school during the past two days , keeping the conversation light , and making fun of her own attempts to control the fifteen students who attended during the summer . No one laughed , but together the two women made Eleanor smile . Bit by bit , she ate the eggs and drank the milk . When James arrived , he sat beside Eleanor and took her hands in his . " You have had a tremendous shock , my dear , but you will recover . I 'm going to give you a sedative . You need to rest for the next couple of days . " Mrs . Grey leaned toward Eleanor . " Julie will go to the school tomorrow , but I 'll stay here with you tonight and tomorrow . Someone has to see that you obey the doctor 's orders . " Eleanor slept through the night and was hungry for more eggs in the morning , but after eating , she returned to bed . Mrs . Grey gave her the medicine the doctor had left . James returned in the evening , after Julie had relieved her mother . " Eleanor 's going to sleep through the night again , Julie , " the doctor said . " So you can sleep , too - no need to stay awake . Is your mother coming back in the morning ? " For the next few days , James came every evening , and so did Julie and Mrs . Grey . By the following Sunday , Eleanor wanted to ride . She found that James had been looking after Molly and Bill . Both were fresh and eager for exercise . Eleanor and James rode into the woods , to a little clearing beside a stream . They dismounted and released the horses so they could graze in the patch of weedy grass . Sitting side by side near the stream , they looked at each other , and both began to talk at once . He grinned . " Take it out of the stable fees . No , Eleanor , it was something I wanted to do . I 'm glad your friends could help out - I didn 't want to hospitalize you . " James put his hand on her shoulder . " Then , let 's make some plans . You can 't stay here by yourself . Can your maid stay with you , or do you know someone else who can stay with you ? " " I think I understand . I 'll see if I can find someone - maybe a retired nurse , or a nurse who works a day shift and could be here for you in the evening and at night . Would that be all right ? " James arranged for Mrs . Pearson , a practical nurse , to stay with Eleanor . The nurse , a widow with a small income , was used to taking care of a household . Eleanor was stiff with her at first , but the lady was so friendly and competent that Eleanor soon felt at ease . But she still felt a profound sense of shame and humiliation . She returned to her classes , but led her students like an automaton , and they quickly sensed her lack of involvement . They became lax in their studies . Eleanor bathed twice a day , scrubbing herself thoroughly , and she paid special attention to the cleanliness of her clothing . She knew this could turn into an obsession , but she could not control herself . And she could do nothing about it . All her upbringing in the household , the toleration taught her by her parents , she set aside as unreal , part of a fantasy world . The real world was full of bigotry and hate , and now she was a target . Her self - image diminished , and kept shrinking . James came to see her every few days , staying only for a few minutes , but brightening her bleak outlook with his caring . He 'd said he would give her a week , and then they 'd talk . About what ? What could be said ? What could he tell her that she didn 't already know ? She was born with the blood of Africans , of slaves . How could she live with that knowledge ? Eleanor smiled , but didn 't meet his eyes . " Of course I don 't mind . You make me feel worthy , for a short while , anyway . Let 's have some coffee in the kitchen . " After settling at the table with coffee and some of Mrs . Pearson 's fresh sugar cookies , James began . " What do you know about Negroes ? " " Must we do this , James ? " " Actually , a very small portion of your ancestry . Your father is less than half colored - I think perhaps one - eighth . You , therefore , have a tiny amount of Negro in your inheritance . " " In medical school , I studied population statistics , and as a sideline , I read a lot of history . World history , too . Do you know that the Negroes in the U . S . are descended from emperors ? There were a number of Negro empires in Africa . Some still exist , but Arab and European colonists weakened them . " " Worse than you can imagine . And yet , many slaves and sons of slaves struggled to better themselves , to become free and educated . Many became doctors , lawyers , educators , writers . " " Look at Roy , for example . A house servant , he graduated from high school . He could have gone to the north and found a job with a decent wage , but stayed here because he loved your people . And they loved him . " " But still . . . " " I 've listened to your neighbors and friends , the Greys , and I have deduced a lot . No , they don 't know for sure what happened in your family , but it became obvious to me when I put the story together . Oh , and I met Roy . " " Then I won 't say any more , for now . But think about what I 've said . Next week we 'll talk about it . For now , let 's go for a ride . " During the following week , Eleanor became even more despondent . James had made it clear to her whose daughter she was , and she began to rage against her mother , Louis , and Roy . How could they have done this to her ? She took to her bed again , wondering how she could ever raise her head in public . Shame overwhelmed her . One day , she rose , dressed , and saddled Molly . She rode for hours , oblivious of the world around her and completely uncaring . Miles away , Molly entered a dense thicket , where Eleanor slowly slid off her back into a faint . Hours later , Roy found her . He sat beside her and tenderly brushed the hair from her face . She woke , and smiled , then turned away from him , sobbing . " Roy , how can that be ? I was created by two people who should not have loved each other , and permitted to live and thrive by a third who had only his interests at heart . I don 't want to continue to thrive , for you three . " They heard sounds of a horse moving through the brush , and soon , James found them . He had heard Eleanor 's last statement , and as he dismounted , he said , " Eleanor , for now , live and thrive for me . I 'm not going to let you go . " Slowly , the two men who loved her lifted her from the ground and helped her onto Molly . James insisted that Roy ride Bill , and he mounted Molly behind Eleanor . James whispered many things in Eleanor 's ear on the way back to the house . Much of it was repetition , an insistence on how much he cared for her , and some of it included plans for their future together . Eleanor heard but did not respond . Julie was waiting , hands on hips , when they returned to the house . " Ellie , you fool , what are you trying to do ? Think , girl ! Think of the things you love - the house , your school , me , Roy , James . Are you trying to abandon all that ? You think all that is meaningless ? And listen - we 've gone to a lot of trouble to try to bring you back to your senses . It 's time to scold , not to coddle ! " Eleanor slipped off Molly and fell into Julie 's arms , sobbing and laughing at the same time . " I deserve your scolding . You 've done so much - all of you . " " Yes , yes , this is Roy 's home . I have been horrid . But I am still confused and dismayed . Please give me time to recover . " She walked with James to his car . " Thank you for those lovely things you said to me . I want to respond . Give me some time . " Roy sat on his usual chair , far away from Eleanor 's , the next morning . He had prepared her coffee - half milk , a little sugar - and her eggs and toast , just right . She smiled . " We 'll get Sara back , Roy , with my apologies and a raise . You don 't need to run this whole house by yourself . " " Good , I 'll tell her . " He looked down , then up again into Eleanor 's eyes . " There 's a little more to the story , Ellie . Can you listen ? " Roy lowered his head again and began . " I knew about the journal . Miss Grace was so happy with it - she wanted to describe everything about the love we shared , the three of us . I asked her to be careful - who was going to read it ? ' You and I , ' she said . ' And perhaps Louis . ' " Miss Grace and Louis had just gotten married , and the three of us were alone in the house - the servants , except for me , had been dismissed for the first few days of that sham marriage . The true marriage was yet to begin . Until then , we had only hugged and held hands - I had not even dared to kiss her . But we knew . From then on Miss Grace and I were married , and Louis was our beloved friend and brother . " " Oh yes . I suggested she keep the pages separate , so they could be removed if we thought it wise . That , she did . But she wrote so beautifully , describing our love . It was like poetry . We did show it to Louis , and he even had the idea of publishing parts of it - anonymously . " " Ellie , I destroyed those pages . After you were born , we decided we couldn 't keep a written record , it was too dangerous . Miss Grace 's last entry in the journal was your birth . Very simply , she wrote how happy and how lucky we were that your skin was almost as light as hers . Then I removed the risky pages and your mother packed the journal away . " " I didn 't destroy the pages right away . I read them over and over , and I memorized many of them . " Roy shifted in his chair . " I was frightened when you found the journal , afraid there might be some reference to our bond . But you found nothing , and I had time to think , and realized that you should know more of the story . When you 're ready , I can recite some of the passages for you . " " Roy , you are a blessing to me . I do want to hear it , all you can remember , maybe a little bit at a time . What you 've just told me is going to take me some time to get used to , but I think perhaps now I can mend my ugly thoughts and accept the truth . " Renewed , Eleanor returned to her students . Her school again gave her pleasure , and again the children were anxious to learn from her . She still had flashes of panic from time to time , but a session with Roy , reciting what he remembered from the lost pages of the journal , was like a balm to her occasional confused thoughts . " Oh Roy , it would be a shame to lose those beautiful passages forever . I think maybe my father - my other father - had his reasons when he thought about publishing them . Anonymously , of course . The world is not yet ready to accept the consequences of such a relationship . Let 's think about it . " James visited frequently . " Purely social , from now on , " he said . He and Eleanor grew closer , as time healed her wounds . He continued to talk to her about a future together , here on her beloved plantation . Ceinwen HaydonMay 29 , 2017 at 9 : 28 AMI enjoyed this exploration of tangled lives , received prejudices and sustaining , unusual love . Many thanks , CeinwenReplyDeleteBrooke FieldhouseMay 31 , 2017 at 10 : 53 PMI enjoyed the leisurely pace of the narrative , the compelling detail of the coffee cup , the sugars , the milk . I liked the careful and gentle reinforcement of the characters ; the slightly Gilbert Osmandish ' Richard ' , the good - hearted Doctor ' James ' , the reliable Julie , the rather limp Eleanor , and good old Roy ! B r o o k eReplyDeleteYogiWriterJune 1 , 2017 at 9 : 02 AMWonderfully crafted story . Loved your pace and style of writing . Liked the ending in that the Roy issue was not completely resolved for Eleanor . Probably never will . ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Spencer Reid grabbed his phone as it buzzed . He was almost done with his files for the day and Hotch had promised him that he could leave as soon as he was done . It was near two and he figured he could be out of the office by two thirty , if no one bothered him . It was a text from Hotch asking him to come to his office before he left . Spencer set his phone back down and worked his way through the rest of his files . At two twenty nine he slipped his files into the outbox and grabbed his phone . He sent off a text , stood up , and moved towards Hotch 's office . His boss was on the phone but waved him in when he stepped into the doorway . The man motioned for him to shut the door and Spencer did , taking the seat across the desk from him . It was something personal or job personal because it was rare for the door to need to be shut . " No , it 's fine . I 'll just slip out with Reid and I can go right to your place to pick up Jack . " Hotch smiled a little and laughed . " No , Reid has other plans with a friend tonight so he 's not coming over for mac ' n cheese and hot dogs . " Spencer laughed , drawing one of his legs up into the chair to rest his chin on , given the conversation he was pretty sure it was personal . He let his mind wander towards what he was going to be doing with Charlie later on in the day and how much it was going to help him relax . Stress relief was high on the things that he needed to do . It was why Hotch had asked him to try and find something to do once a week that was fun for him , once the man had confronted him about the headaches . Getting lost in the science and helping Charlie had helped immensely with his headaches . Every once in awhile that also meant spending time with Hotch and Jack relaxing and letting go . Mainly Hotch . " I 'll see you soon , Jessica . " Hotch hung up the phone and looked at Spencer . There was that soft look in his eyes again that Spencer cherished seeing . It was different than the look that Jack always got . Different but it meant mostly the same things . They 'd been dancing around this for months , moving in slow steps closer and closer . There was no rush to it . The most intimate was when they had been sharing a room three weeks back and Spencer had been having trouble sleeping . Hotch had slipped into bed with him and held him . The feel of the other man with him had allowed him to slip into a dreamless sleep , his mind stopping turning over the facts of the case as it focused on the new sensations . And those sensations lulled him into sleep . " Jessica and Jack are going to see a movie tomorrow night . Something animated that I am happy for not seeing as I 'm sure when it 's out on DVD , I 'll be watching it a lot . I guess they have been making plans for weeks to have a date night . Jack 's been saving up for it . " Spencer smiled , watching as Hotch packed up his things for the day . Something must have come up for Jessica and Hotch needed to go and take care of Jack . " What happened ? " " Jessica 's dad needs her for something and Jack doesn 't want to go with her . I told her it 's fine . I can take the afternoon . I have all of my have to dos done . I figure that we can both make a break for it at the same time and it won 't raise too many eyebrows . " " Okay . I 'm done . Was that all ? " The timeline didn 't fit . Jessica had just called . He 'd got the text a half an hour ago . " No . Did you want to go to dinner with me tomorrow night ? " Hotch 's body language was normal but there was something in his eyes . Wariness , anxiousness . Spencer let his eyes move up and down what he could see of Hotch 's body and the longer he was silent the more his hands moved , the sound of shifting feet sounded from under the desk . " Yes . " Hotch relaxed again and Spencer let his leg drop down to the floor . He sat up straight and smiled . As he did , Hotch 's whole body fully relaxed . " Of course . " There was no hesitation in accepting . They had been working towards it and he was actually shocked that Hotch was asking . He figured that they would circle around each other for a while longer . They both knew where it was leading but were enjoying getting to know each other outside of work fully before even attempting to add another layer . Obviously the other man thought that he was ready . Spencer knew that he was as well . " Dress nice . I have us reservations at seven . I 'll pick you up at your place . " Hotch stood up and grabbed his briefcase . Spencer stood up as the older man neared his chair . They walked together to the door . Just as Spencer was grabbing the knob , he felt a hand on his upper arm and he was being spun a little around . He looked at Hotch in confusion . The older man stepped into his personal space and before Spencer could stop himself he was taking a step back . His back pressed into the wood of the door . " Spencer , can I kiss you ? " " Yes . " Spencer closed his eyes as Hotch stepped in again . The pressure on his lips was light until he pressed back in as well . The hand on his arm shifted up to cup the back of his head then the other man was pressing him farther into the door . It felt natural to slip his tongue out from between his lips and licked at Hotch 's lips . He felt the first tentative touch of tongue on his own and couldn 't help the moan that escaped . The older man pulled back quickly and Spencer was a little dizzy . " Yes . Have fun with Jack . " Spencer turned to open the door and felt a brush of hand at his shoulder and it trailed down to the small of his back before lifting away . His step stuttered as he took the first one out of the office when he had the door fully open . He heard the chuckle from Hotch before he got his feet under him . He wanted to turn his head and stick his tongue out at him but not here . Not at work . Spencer settled down in front of the computer that was in the corner of the lab . He could hear Charlie Epps moving around behind him . He had been happy when Charlie had settled in the area after his going abroad . He finished the mathematical sequence and hit enter . For Charlie this was his lifeblood but for Spencer it was fun . It was a chance to unwind and be fully himself . To revel in science and not have to watch what he says . He can say anything and Charlie understands it . From the most complex equation to the weirdest scientific theory . He loved his team and he enjoyed working with them but he hadn 't realized exactly how much he would miss this . " Yes . It 's all in there . " Spencer turned in his chair to look at Charlie . His friend had been at Georgetown for a few months studying the God Particle with CERN . Charlie had had a breakthrough earlier in the week while Spencer had been on a case and they were a lot closer to replicating the recent experiments coming out of CERN . The biggest breakthrough before that had been when they had got the scale model of the Hadron Collider working in the lab . One of only two in the world that had been successful at this scale . The rest of the people working with Charlie were already gone for the day having put in at least twelve hours . He liked working with just his friend . It was fun . " Good . Are you ready ? " Charlie moved towards the door that separated the collider from the rest of the lab with thirteen and a half inch Lexan . The rest of the walls were all steel and concrete . Spencer followed him into the main computer bay and stood behind as Charlie started up the sequence . It was almost ten o ' clock and Spencer had another hour before he had to leave to be able to get at least enough sleep to function at work . And on his date with Hotch . " Go . " Spencer watched as the enter button was hit before he moved his gaze to the collider . His mind was supplying the graphics needed to understand what was happening . He gripped the back of Charlie 's chair tight . If something was going to go wrong it would be in the next ten point seven seconds . He could feel his friend 's agitation like it was another person in the room . The time for a problem to pop up came and went . Spencer counted the seconds after , giving it another ten and Charlie released a breath . He turned his head to look at Spencer , smiling . " Go . We can introduce the God Particle in a few minutes if the data is what we want . " Charlie stood up to move to the computer bay behind him while Spencer moved to the door . The blast door opened and he entered the room . He looked at the collider and smiled . The screen of the computer in the corner was full of information and Spencer took his time collecting it . Everything was lining up with what they wanted and needed . He had just wrote down the last little bit when he turned . Charlie was trying to open the blast door , pressing the emergency pneumatic button . It was two seconds later that the klaxon started to go off . Spencer raced to the door , pressing his button but it wasn 't moving . Spencer looked around and tried to find something to hide behind when he remembered the small alcove where some of the servers were located . Cursing the fact that something bad was going to happen and he wasn 't going to get his date , Spencer moved his fastest . He ran to it and just as he touched them he felt the concussive force and then nothing . Spencer walked into the house with a spring in his step . He knew Aaron would be pleased with the information he was able to get from the woman . This was their first big breakthrough on Foyet 's people and it 's just what they needed to fight against him . Spencer went immediately to the bedroom and took off his clothes . His hand rested on the collar around his neck and smiled . He put his clothes away , Aaron did not like even the slightest bit of messiness . He had learned that the hard way a long - time ago . Spencer had a getaway room that he was allowed to make as much mess as he wanted . Of course that mostly consisted of papers and research . He wasn 't messy , though . Too many years having cleanliness and neatness just about pounded into his brain he unconsciously kept things in their designated places . He took another moment before he stepped into the bathroom and got ready to take a shower . When the water was finally warm he stepped under and sighed at the feel of the pounding water cascading over his mostly hairless body . He 'd gone through laser hair removal , only keeping the hair on his head , eyebrows and his groin , at Aaron 's insistence . Of course it wasn 't that hard to give in to what the man wanted , Spencer would always give in , no matter what it was Aaron wanted . The man had saved him from a life of pain and terror . The only pain he received now was consensual and wanted . Rewards for a job well done . After he was clean he grabbed the bottle of water resistant lube and started to prepare himself . By the time he slid in the plug and seated it properly he couldn 't help the surge of desire . His cock wasn 't hard though and that was another thing he had quickly learned to control , another thing he understood . His erection and his pleasure belonged to Aaron and it was something he never forgot . Of course the rewards for obedience far outweighed anything else Spencer could think of and he happily gave his submission to the man that had saved him . Spencer hummed as he dried himself off , making sure every part of him was completely and thoroughly dry . Aaron hated it when even his hair dripped wet . When he was done he stood in front of the full - length mirror admiring the scars that riddled his body , remembering just when he received each and every one and loved them . He brushed a hand over the piercings , the ones on his nipples and the one at his belly button . He sighed softly as he smiled and admired himself in the mirror . He knew intellectually that he was damaged , knew exactly who and what he was and he had absolutely no desire to change it . He loved every single moment of his life . Aaron didn 't just use his body , which he could bring him to the most glorious heights , then down into absolute perfection when he was rewarded with subspace . Aaron used his mind as well , and he gladly let himself be used . He was a tool , a precision instrument that could strike swift and deadly . He trained his body as well as he trained his mind . He no longer worried about bullies or adults who wanted to use him up , he had power and he relished it . He stepped away from the mirror and walked back into the bedroom but didn 't get dressed . He moved to the side of the bed and pulled out the sub - bench , slowly lowered himself , then wrapped his legs around the underside and sat up with his back straight . He bowed his head and laid his hands on his thighs palms - up , holding the pose he waited for Aaron to come home , hoping for a reward for the information he got on Foyet 's operation . When Aaron came home the first thing he did was to seek out his son and find out how his day was . He found the boy in his room reading on his bed , the room ruthlessly clean with his stack of homework neatly sitting on his desk . It was no less than what Aaron would expect from his son . " Yes Dad . Uncle Derek says I 'm getting better at my hand - to - hand and Emily let me shoot a glock . That was harder than the Colt Diamondback , but Emily said I learn quickly so I should be able to handle it better soon . " " Yes . Can we watch Die Hard ? Please Daddy ? " The ten - year old jumped off Aaron 's lap and had such excitement in his eyes Aaron just couldn 't say no . " Thank you Dad . " Jack jumped up excitedly as he ran towards the library . Aaron chuckled at his son and picked - up the folder with Jack 's homework and walked towards his bedroom . Entering the bedroom his eyes immediately took in Spencer . He smiled as he walked around him , admiring every single naked inch of him . He didn 't touch him , not yet . He was going to let the man wait , raising the anticipation . Without saying a word Aaron entered his walk - in closet and carefully stripped putting each piece of his bespoke suit back in it 's exact spot . He did the same with his shoes , watch and cufflinks . He threw the fitted button - up and boxers in separate bins . One for the dry cleaning , and one for the regular laundry . Opening a drawer , he pulled out a pair of black linen pants and a tight black t - shirt . After he was changed , he stepped back into the bedroom and was pleased that Spencer hadn 't moved . He moved one of the vanity chairs and placed it in front of Spencer then lowered himself in the chair . He reached behind Spencer 's head and grabbed his hair and made him look - up . Spencer tried not to close his eyes at the feel of the hand in his hair . Aaron knew just how much pleasure Spencer got from him grabbing and pulling his hair . Aaron rested the other hand just under Spencer 's neck right at the breastbone . The promise of either pleasure , or pain which depended on what Spencer was going to tell him . " The woman gave me everything . Names , dates of possible attacks against you and their current base of operations . She also gave me the name of the new agents in Foyet 's unit . I haven 't written it down yet . Wanted to wait for you . " Aaron was more than pleased with how well Spencer was controlling himself and the information was a boon . He hadn 't been sure how much the woman knew but it was worth it to hear that she had known the names of the new agents . " Then you deserve a reward , Pet . " Aaron slid his hand up and lightly wrapped his fingers around Spencer 's neck eliciting a sharp intake of breath and a shiver . Slowly he released him then slid his hand further up to cup Spencer 's cheek and leaned down to kiss him softly as his fingers tightened on the sub 's hair . He pulled away after a moment and ordered Spencer to stand . Aaron walked to a large locked cabinet and taking the key from around his neck he opened it . " Come here Pet . " He gestured for Spencer to join him . As soon as the young man was standing in front of him Aaron turned him to look inside the cabinet . He wrapped his arms around Spencer , kissing and licking up the side of his neck . " Choose two . " Aaron whispered in Spencer 's ear making the sub shiver in anticipation . Aaron heard Spencer suck in his breath as he ran his hand over each of the items hanging in the cabinet . It took him a few minutes to decide and Aaron stayed patient . Spencer finally picked up a suede and silicon knotted flogger and the long split - tail bullwhip . He turned in Aaron 's arms and handed the two impact instruments to him . Aaron set the items on the bed then pulled open a drawer with various sized compartments . Almost like a jewelry drawer , but this one held so much more . Taking out what looked - like a set of teardrop charms he attached them to Spencer 's nipple rings which made them pull down , they were small weights specifically made just for this purpose . He then pulled out a y - chain and attached the two ends to the nipple rings and the other to the belly ring , the slight weight of the chain also pulled on the nipple rings . Aaron then reached in and pulled out a leash that he threw on the bed . The last thing he took out before they left the room was a soft leather cock cage . He took a moment and grabbed Spencer 's half - hard cock and roughly stroked till he was fully erect . He snapped each band together making sure it was snug against Spencer 's cock , keeping him erect but it would also prevent him from coming too soon . Biting his lip Spencer turned and immediately left the main room . He came back a moment later with the robe tied around his waist to keep it closed . Picking - up the leash Aaron attached it to Spencer 's collar and tugging lightly on it he signaled Spencer that they were leaving the bedroom . They padded softly through the large house till they got to the stairs that led to the dungeon . As soon as they entered and the door clicked shut Aaron grabbed the belt of the robe and untied it . Slowly he slid the robe off Spencer , and stepped closer to capture his mouth in a deep kiss . He felt Spencer 's arms come around him and felt how his lover moaned in pleasure . He allowed the small indiscretion for he enjoyed kissing Spencer more than anything else . Aaron licked at his lips encouraging Spencer to open for him . They stood wrapped together devouring each other 's mouths , each kiss hungrier than the last . Each kiss , each touch was calculated on Aaron 's part , he wanted Spencer hard and aching . Before the night was done he knew he 'd have Spencer begging for his cock . Just that thought alone made Aaron hard , but he had too much control over his own body and would only come when he was buried in his sub 's ass . Aaron pulled back and grabbed Spencer 's right wrist and gently forced his arm back behind him . He did the same with the left then held both wrists in an iron grip . Sliding his free hand over Spencer 's now flushed skin Aaron took the time to relish in the feel of each scar as he slowly slid his hand down to grip Spencer ' already leaking cock . " Desmios . " Spencer practically whined at what Aaron was doing to him . The word had been picked by Spencer a long time ago because he loved the Greek language . The younger man had chosen the word to show he was bound to Aaron . Forever . Aaron unsnapped the cage and slipped it in the pocket of his pants . He lowered to his knees and took Spencer 's now engorged cock in his mouth . Slowly he slid his lips up and down the hard flesh before he eventually let it slide all the way to the back of his throat . He released Spencer 's wrists and gripped his hips with both hands then relaxed his throat and let Spencer slide even more in his mouth . He was deep throating his sub knowing it was going to be the quickest way for him to achieve release . He knew Spencer wanted to touch , but he waited for permission . Aaron lifted a hand and grabbed one of Spencer 's and placed it on his head , it was an unspoken signal that it was okay to touch him . As soon as Spencer buried his fingers in Aaron 's hair , he felt he was close to release . Aaron hummed as he made little bobbing head movements keeping the head at the back of his throat . Spencer grunted as he came down Aaron 's throat . Aaron stood and kissed Spencer once again , letting the sub chase the flavor of himself in Aaron 's mouth . It didn 't take long to get his sub hard again and when he did he put the cage back on then led him to the wall that had chains dangling from it . Aaron had Spencer face the wall and he chained his arms out to the sides . Aaron put cuffs at wrists , elbows and upper arm to help support him . He then put cuffs around his ankles and thighs . " So beautiful for me Spence . If you want to cry out , you can . I 'll have you begging for my cock before we 're through , isn 't that right Pet ? " Aaron had put the two items Spencer had picked out on a table near the wall . But before he used either of those he picked - up a soft suede flogger that he would start with . This was used to let Spencer settle and let himself get in the right headspace for what Aaron had planned . After working Spencer over for a few minutes he exchanged instruments and grabbed the knotted flogger . He didn 't hold back . Each stroke of the whip made such beautiful sounds against Spencer 's body it made Aaron hard . When Spencer started to break out in a sweat and his body was full of welts Aaron paused . " S ' good . Sir . " Aaron knew that Spencer was slipping into subspace but he wasn 't quite all the way there . Smiling he stepped away and went to the small fridge and pulled out a bottle of water then grabbed a straw and put it in so it would be easier for Spencer to drink . Spencer looked up at him with glassy eyes and grinned . Aaron put the straw in his mouth and let Spencer take a few sips . Taking it away he set the water on the table then exchanged the flogger for the bullwhip . Aaron took a moment , snapping the whip expertly against the floor Spencer 's body shook with each loud crack that resonated through the air . When he was satisfied with his wrist movements he snapped the whip against Spencer 's body , who then cried out at the sudden flare of pain . The split tail with the sharp leather darts on the end making even more pronounced marks on the subs body . Pulling back , he waited a moment and snapped it again hitting the soft flesh . Spencer screamed out and Aaron hardened even more . " Sir , please , sir fuck me , please fuck me . " Spencer was begging with each crack of the whip against his body . Aaron gave his sub a few more strokes and only stopped when he saw how much Spencer was shaking with need . " Please , " Spencer was begging to the point of tears . Aaron reached down and started to pull out the plug when Spencer groaned . Smiling to himself he gripped the base of the plug and slowly fucked Spencer with it as he wrapped an arm around his front and tugged on the chain . Spencer arched almost violently at the sudden pull then slumped back forward . " Please I need you . Please fuck me , make me come . " He begged again . Aaron leaned in and slowly inhaled smelling Spencer 's arousal mixed with his sweat . It was intoxicating . He licked up Spencer 's neck , then his cheek . Aaron took a few minutes to lick at the scars on Spencer 's upper shoulders and back as his hand cupped his sub 's cock . He moaned low at how hard Spencer was as he stroked over the cage . Spencer bowed his back and begged even more . Aaron knew if he kept up his ministrations on the scars his Pet could come from that alone . But he had other plans for him . " Only because you 've done so well . " Aaron pulled the plug all the way out before he grabbed the lube that was also on the small table near the wall . He took off his pants and t - shirt then generously slicked - up his cock after he came to stand behind Spencer . He lined himself up and pushed inside , the head pushing past the tight ring of muscle . Spencer 's head lolled back onto Aaron 's shoulder which gave him incentive to push himself all the way in . When his groin was flush with Spencer 's ass he started to move . " Yes , Sir . Fuck me so good Sir . " Spencer was slipping farther , his eyes glazed and his mouth was slack as Aaron pumped in and out fast and hard . When he felt he was close he reached around and once again undid the cage and threw it aside . He wrapped his hand around the now achingly hard member and whispered in Spencer 's ear . " Come for me Spencer . " The deep growl in his ear and the commanding tone had his body responding before his brain could catch - up . His body tensed and he cried out as he came . Aaron 's eyes rolled in the back of his head as his movements sped up and he fucked his sub hard and fast coming only moments later . Still buried inside Spencer he reached over and undid the cuffs holding Spencer 's wrists , and arms . He released one at a time and just held the limp man against his chest . They stayed like that for a few moments , Aaron stroked his body helping them both to come down . Aaron pulled out and almost chuckled at the little whine Spencer emitted . Aaron had Spencer lean against the wall while he uncuffed his legs , then helped him back in his robe . He grabbed his pants and shirt and put them back on then led Spencer up to their room . After getting him to drink some water and a soothing bath Aaron bundled Spencer up and led him to the bed . He laid the blissed out man down and pulled the wrist cuffs out from their cubby and secured them around Spencer 's wrists . Kissing the side of his neck he crawled in beside him and pulled the man close . He knew Spencer would need a couple of hours sleep before they had dinner and the promised movie with Jack . Spencer was cold and that was a jarring sensation . He was never cold . Not after a night like he 'd had before . He shifted and his wrist rubbed on the bed , he felt the bed linens on his wrist . His naked wrist . He jerked up to a sitting position and threw his eyes open wide . Beyond the bed all he saw was blurs but he pulled his wrist up to his eyes . They were bare . His cuffs were gone . Aaron never took off his cuffs when he was sleeping , never . The sound of talking was trying to break through but all he could hear was the beeping of machines . One of them was beeping rapidly , in tune with his heart . He forced himself to settle down and as he did his vision cleared . He listened to the machine until the beeping was normal . He wanted to know what happened because Aaron had played tame with him . There was no way that he 'd been injured but it was the only reason that Aaron would have him in a hospital . It was the only reason that his cuffs would have been removed before he woke . He couldn 't sleep without them . He hadn 't slept without cuffs on his wrists since Aaron had saved him . What had happened in the night ? " Sir ? " Spencer called out as he took in the faces around him . Sir was easy to say and choose . It would calm his lover if he was upset with him . Showing his submission . A touch on his arm had him settling down even more . He took in the face to his left and his whole body jerked . Aaron had shaved . He hadn 't been clean shaven in the time that Spencer had known him . There were pictures in childhood and teen years where he was clean shaven but Spencer had only ever glimpsed them . It was when the shock wore off of seeing Aaron 's cheeks that he realized that Aaron was standing beside the bed and not sitting on it . He looked at him questionly . He didn 't remember doing anything wrong and that was the only thing that he could figure out for why Aaron wasn 't touching him more . " Kid ? " Rossi 's voice drew his gaze over and Spencer 's heart leaped to his throat . That wasn 't his Rossi . His mind raced with anything and everything that he could figure out . Everyone except for Rossi was the same except for their eyes . Aaron 's people cared for him . He was useful and he was an instrument of Aaron 's . They would only all be in his room if something bad had happened and Aaron was afraid for him . He tried to remember the last thing he could remember . If there was something after falling asleep in their bed , in Aaron 's arms but there was nothing . There was nothing at all . Wherever he was , he wasn 't these people 's Spencer . Spencer looked at her in shock . He 'd have to play dumb until he could figure all of this out . Morgan shifted closer to him and he saw a flash of a badge . He looked around the room more and all of them had on badges and guns . They were all FBI ! The only thought that he could process was that he was an agent as well . Aaron stepped away from the bed and allowed the doctor in close . He submitted to the exam and was tightlipped with responses . He gave his name , his birth date , and what he hoped was the current year . Spencer was a consummate liar . He had to be to be everything that his Aaron needed . Whatever happened to him hadn 't happened to the others . He 'd been alone . " I remember leaving the the office . " Generalities were best until he knew more . He had to make it out of this . He had to get away from the hospital to figure out exactly what happened and how to get back to HIS Aaron . He 'd never be forgiven if he died in this world . He could only assume that whatever Spencer lived in his world was in his own . Aaron would know instantly that it wasn 't him . He doubted that the other Spencer wore Aaron 's marks . Looking at Aaron , Spencer didn 't see anything of his Aaron in his eyes . No , that Spencer wasn 't going to be able to hide at all . " I don 't … I don 't remember anything after that . " Faking a panic attack was easy , even enough to fool the machines he was hooked up to . The heart rate monitor started to beep erratically . It only took seconds for Aaron to push past the doctor and touch his arm again . So there was something there . Even if it wasn 't his Aaron , his body knew that touch and even though he was just faking it , his body started to calm down . He gulped in a mouthful of air and tried to act like he was scared . He couldn 't fail Aaron . " Agent Reid , you were in an explosion at Georgetown last night . You were mostly protected but you were thrown into the wall . You have no breaks or fractures and the worst of your injuries are some scrapes . Now , some of your hair was burned so we had to cut it away but your scalp wasn 't burned . " Spencer 's hand flew to his hair . It was short . This time the panic attack wasn 't faked . He tried to breathe but he couldn 't . He couldn 't get in enough air . Even the hand on his arm and the one that settled on his chest couldn 't stop him . Aaron was going to be so pissed . His hair was so short . He was going to be in so much trouble . He 'd never have been allowed to cut it so short . He wouldn 't want it that short . Aaron couldn 't get a good grip on it . It wouldn 't feel as good . His lungs forced him to breath and he calmed down slightly . It wasn 't something he could have controlled . Aaron wouldn 't punish him for something that he had no way of stopping . Aaron wasn 't unfair when it came to things like that . Even his genius mind couldn 't predict everything . And being stolen from their bed in the middle of the night wasn 't something that he could stop . " Was anyone else hurt ? " Spencer asked when he could fully breath again . Aaron 's hands were still on him but he didn 't look at the man . He had to figure out everything . He needed to get out of the hospital . He had to get to wherever this Spencer lived and then figure out how to get himself back to his world . To his Aaron . To Jack . He held back the sob at that . Jack was smart . Aaron was going to try and lie but Jack would know . It wouldn 't take long . Doctor Epps ? Spencer sorted through his memories for an Epps . He had found a small article in the latest newsletter from CERN about joint research between a Charlie Epps and them . There had been no location given for it but it had to be that same person . What the hell happened in this world that a hole was ripped and he had switched places with what seemed like a good version of himself ? " Agent Reid , I need to see you eat some food . The scans you had over the night show that we can 't find anything wrong with you and the memory issues are not that big of a deal . An explosion is a traumatic event and memory loss for the hours preceding the event is not uncommon , even with a brain like yours . " " Oatmeal ? " Spencer asked . He had no clue exactly what the other Spencer ate but Aaron preferred oatmeal most work mornings and it was hard for a hospital to mess up oatmeal . " I 'll have the kitchen send up a tray as soon as they can . " The doctor moved away from the edge of his bed and as he did , the others crowded in . He wasn 't sure what he thought of that . Obviously they were all rather close . JJ went right to one side , dodging the machines and settled on the edge of the bed . Her arm went around him and he cuddled down into her side . It wasn 't his JJ but this was a JJ . In his world , she was the mother that he 'd never had as a child . She 'd been there at Aaron 's side for a long time . Penny moved up on that side of the bed as well . She was like his sister . He was happy that Rossi took up a spot at the end of his bed . Spencer respected his Rossi 's mind but was always a little creeped out by him . He was too much of a womanizer and his skin crawled the few times the man touched him . Derek moved into the space between Rossi and Aaron . He counted his Derek as a friend but they weren 't close . He was the consummate lothario when it came to women . There wasn 't a one who had ever turned him down but when it came to his male dalliances , he liked them a little too young for Spencer 's tastes . Derek was damaged and Spencer knew why . Aaron made sure that he knew everything about his inner group . Emily was at the back of the room . There was a distance to her that had Spencer trying to figure out why she was back there when the rest of them were closer . " I didn 't call your mother , " Aaron said his hand finally dropping from his chest . Spencer whipped his head from looking at JJ and Penny to look at him . His mother ? His mother was still alive ? His body reacted . He needed to get away . He needed to get to safety . He had to get where she couldn 't find him . His hand ripped the needle from his arm . The leads were next . He had them off of him at the same time that he pushed between JJ and Penny . The first door he found was the bathroom . He slipped inside and slammed the door shut , locking it . He turned to find that it had a stall shower . He slipped into it and closed the glass door . It wasn 't much protection but he could defend himself if needed from there . He sat there shivering . The pounding on the door started and Spencer pulled more into a ball . He could hear his mother on the other side of the door . Screaming at him . Her screeches were making him feel like his ears were bleeding . He covered his ears and tried to block it all out . His breath was coming in short pants . He wanted Aaron . He wanted HIS Aaron . To feel safe in his arms . He wanted Aaron to kill her again . He wanted to see her blood spreading on the floor with Aaron standing above her . He pulled harder on the memory . His mother had been in the middle of one her her more violent episodes . She 'd had a knife in her hand from where she 'd attacked him . He 'd been cooking dinner for her since he was home from college for the weekend when the power had gone out . The cut had run across his chest and he remembered that he had screamed . He 'd tried to get to the closet that he 'd reinforced so that she couldn 't get in . He had almost made it when her hand had grabbed him and threw him to the floor . He 'd rolled to his back to try and fend her off when the front door had shuddered and then ripped off the hinges . His mother had turned to face the new person . It was dark and Spencer had only seen the outline of him at first . The person rushed her and when it was all over , the lights flicked back on and Aaron had been standing above her with the knife in his hand and his mother 's throat was slit . Aaron . The terror was gripping him but he knew that she was dead . He pulled on memories of Aaron calming him down during his flashbacks when he was younger . The hand on his hair , petting him . Never causing pain . Pain would push him farther into the flashback . The hand would pet him over and over . He could feel the ghost of the hand . With every not there touch , he calmed down . " That 's it , Pet . Breathe for me . " Aaron 's voice was like it was right there . He could feel the ghosting of breath on his skin . The hand stayed petting his hair but the other moved to his waist , lifting him into his lap . Warmth pulled him in and he stopped shaking . The banging on the door faded away . He listened to the voices on the other side of the door . " Hankel ? " Derek 's voice was clear and the name of Hankel got Spencer angry . It brought back thoughts of Jason Gideon , the man who had tried to take him away from Aaron . Who had lied to him . The man who had lied about Aaron . Who tried to convince him that his lover was cheating on him . The rest of the flashback fell off of him like water . Whoever Hankel was in this world , he 'd got his hands on this Spencer as well . Obviously it had left a mark . He could play that . He needed to get to wherever Spencer lived and then wherever he worked . Both places would hold the most memory . " Maybe he moved and felt the needle in his arm , " JJ said . Spencer looked down at his arm where the saline drip had been . The blood had stopped . Whatever Hankel had done to Spencer in this world involved needles . " Let 's just give him some space . Morgan , Garcia , Dave , Prentiss , go back to the office . I had Anderson get his bag and car from Georgetown . I have your keys and the car is at your apartment . " " Every single bit of it is on camera with full audio . Epps is handling it all . Epps is the scientist on record and it 's his equations , his research , his everything . It was Epps ' scale collider that caused the explosion . JJ and I will stay and when Reid is released , I 'll drive him home . " Aaron 's voice was calm . At least he knew where Spencer lived . The shuffle of feet told him that the others were leaving . " Agent Hotchner , " the doctor 's voice barely carried through the door so Spencer breathed as shallow as he could . " Agent Reid 's clothes were unsavable due to the smoke damage and slight singeing . His rings are here in the bag . " Spencer knew exactly what rings the doctor was talking about . He slid his hand under the gown and brushed at his navel and then up to his nipples . He was happy that something that Aaron had bought for him came with him . That he had something of him in this crazy world . Spencer didn 't like the thought of anyone touching what was his . He opened the bathroom door and stepped out . He held out his hand for the bag and the doctor gave it over . There was a tray of food sitting on the end of his bed . He sat down and started to eat , keeping the gown closed . Aaron and JJ were silent , staring at him . He could feel their eyes . He ate every single bit of food on the tray . " I want you to follow up with a neurologist in a few days to make sure that nothing else is going on in there and if you have any dizzy spells , nausea , or pain , please come back . I 'll have a nurse bring by your discharge papers . " The doctor smiled at him and left . Spencer sat back on the bed and looked at JJ and Aaron . Spencer debated going into the bathroom to change but when JJ stepped back and pulled the curtain closed around the bed to give him privacy , he just let go of the gown and shimmied until it dropped to the bed . Aaron turned around but before he did , Spencer caught a faint blush on his cheeks . There was more there than meets the eye and he was going to figure out exactly what . He changed quickly and was kind of upset that the clothes were ordinary . A button up with a pair of slacks . Next was a pair of underwear , thankfully boxers . At least there was something the same between them . What stopped him was the items sitting below the boxers . He laid them down on the bed and picked up the pair of socks . They were mismatched . His hands shook as he slipped each one on his feet . It had been so long since he 'd worn mismatched socks . He hadn 't cared about them in the grand scheme of getting away from his mother and not going into foster care . Aaron had protected him , allowed him to go to school . Aaron had given him everything that he needed and what he wanted . It felt weird to look at his feet with mismatching socks . If JJ knew enough to get him them , it would be noticeable if he changed that so he 'd have to get used to it . The clothing though would have to go . He was sure he 'd find something in Spencer 's closet that he would be able to wear day in and day out . Spencer would thank him for it . Dressing was quick but he stopped when he realized that he didn 't see shoes . He looked around and spotted what looked like Converse shoes on one of the guest chairs . He tapped Aaron 's shoulder as he passed to grab the shoes . Once in hand , he opened the curtain and JJ smiled at him . Taking the seat , he slipped the shoes on and tied them up . " Okay , Agent Reid , here are your papers . " The nurse handed them over . Spencer scanned through them . The voice of Aaron in his head . He 'd never signed anything without reading it . Ever . He knew everything to look for but given that he himself hadn 't been in the explosion he knew he 'd be fine . He had a brief second to worry for the other Spencer but Aaron would know he wasn 't him and would get the truth out of him and make sure he had an eye kept on him . He signed in the places he needed and then initialed . It was quick and painless . He waited to see what Aaron was going to do . JJ stepped up to hug him and then she was gone with a promise to call him . Aaron motioned for him to go first out of the room . Spencer stuffed the bag with his rings in it , into his pocket before he took that first step . Just as he breached the door , Aaron 's hand settled on the small of his back . A possesive claim . Spencer could work with that . Spencer slowly woke fully expecting to be in a hospital bed . What he didn 't expect were the cuffs around his wrists . That was the first thing that registered in his mind . His eyes flew open and he stayed perfectly still . It was the heavy arm around his waist and the very unmistakable hard erection moving against his ass that kept him from struggling . Inside , though , he was panicking and ready to jump out of his skin at any moment . " Morning Pet . " The low rumble in his ear and the soft kisses along his neck were quickly short - circuiting his brain . A hand was in his hair , then stilled . Spencer didn 't dare breathe or move . He had no idea what was going on so he was trying not to panic . When the hand that was working his cock started to caress his upper body , touching him everywhere he shivered , partially in fear and partially because he recognized the hand as well as the voice in his ear . " Who the fucking - hell are you ? " Aaron glared , but it was different , darker and Spencer recognized that look . He 'd seen it enough times from the unsubs he has interviewed over the years . " My Spencer , my beautiful Pet , his hair is longer . He never gets it cut without my permission . " Aaron moved his free hand down the smooth chest free of scars . " He has scars . Very beautiful scars that I gave him . He has no body hair , head , eyebrows , groin , that 's it . I know his body better than I know my own . " Aaron thrust against Spencer who closed his eyes tight and tried to keep the rising panic attack at bay . " Who sent you and how did you get in my house ? Was it Foyet ? " Aaron grabbed Spencer 's face and felt along trying to find possible reconstruction scars . Spencer was trying to figure out just what the hell was going on . He also noticed that this Aaron was different . He had a close shaved beard , the dark circles under his eyes were gone and his pallor was a little darker , like he got more sun than his Aaron usually got . " Is that why you 're here ? But then it wouldn 't explain how you got in our bed , cuffed . And somehow I think killing you would be a very bad idea . " " I 'm going to go take a shower . You are staying right there , and before you try , they can 't be picked . Then and only then will you explain to me who you are and what the fuck is going on . " Aaron strode from the room and a moment later Spencer heard the water turning on . He didn 't waste a second . He pulled his hands down and looked around for something , anything to use to try to pick the locks on the cuffs . Spencer stood and tested how far the chain went , which wasn 't far at all . But it gave him just enough length to look through the nightstand drawers . He was quickly rummaging through it and growled in frustration as not even a single paper clip existed in the drawers . He did , however , find a photo album . He made a mental note to look at it later . The pictures on the nightstand also caught his eye . There was Aaron , him and Jack . Jack was older and cuddled in Spencer 's lap . He swallowed hard as he stared at the picture . He didn 't know Jack that well , Aaron didn 't let him spend a lot of time with the boy alone . Well , not yet anyway . He knew Aaron 's trust issues and knew it would take time . He let thoughts of Jack go and refocused on trying to find something , anything he could use to pick the locks on the cuff . " Shit . " He let out the curse when he didn 't find anything within arm 's length he could use . He heard the shower turn off which made him scramble back on the bed trying to calm his beating heart . Aaron walked back out of the bathroom completely naked and Spencer had to swallow back the whine that wanted to escape . It didn 't help that the man smiled at him . He knew Aaron had heard him . Aaron took the key he kept in his nightstand drawer and unlocked the cuffs . He slowly backed away keeping an eye on Spencer . He moved the same vanity chair from the day before next to the bed and sat with his arms crossed , waiting . " And you have quite the mouth on you , don 't you ? Do I need to put it to better use ? " Aaron glared as he leaned forward and filed away the look in Spencer 's eyes to use at another time . " Start talking . My generosity only goes so far . " Spencer took a deep breath and told Aaron about the experiment , how everything was fine until they added the God Particle . He admitted he was a little fuzzy on the details after the explosion . He said he thought he was going to wake - up in a hospital , not cuffed to a bed . He was thrown into the panic attack that had been threatening all morning when he was all of a sudden pinned down with hands around his throat and a murderous look in the other man 's eye . " You stupid fucking idiot . Do you know what you 've done ? " Aaron pressed down along Spencer 's body and lowered his face close to Spencer 's , " Tell me now why I shouldn 't kill you right here , right now . " " If you kill me , you 'll never get him back . " Spencer was trying to claw at the hands around his throat seeing the the struggle in Aaron 's eyes as he shoved away and stood up . He was pacing angrily when he whirled back on Spencer . " How could you be so goddamned stupid ? No one has been able to build a stable scale model of the Hadron Collider . Anyone who 's tried has ended up dead . How the hell did your Aaron ever think to let you do something this dangerous and stupid ? " " Look , " Spencer stood and got in Aaron 's face , " I have a mind of my own . It took me a long time to know my worth and I do . No one , and I mean no one tells me what the fuck to do . " " Yeah ? Well maybe someone needs to . You are going to figure out how to get my Spencer back . " Aaron grabbed the back of Spencer 's neck with one hand and his cock with the other . " If you were my Spencer , my Pet , you 'd be wearing a punishment collar and cock cage . " Aaron 's glare was hard and like nothing Spencer had ever seen . Even their run - in with Chester Hardwicke , when Aaron was practically snarling at the man , did Spencer see such a look . " That is a very bold statement and not one that I think you understand . But for now you are going to have to assume the role of my Spencer . If not , you could get us both killed , you understand ? " Aaron let Spencer 's cock go , which he was both relieved and a little sad about . He didn 't want to think what that meant about his current state of mind . The part of him that was half - in - love with Aaron Hotchner recognized this man , but his more rational mind knew this was nothing like the man in his own world . " You will have to wear a collar , not negotiable . Your closet is over there and you will wear the clothes I pick for you on a daily basis . You are also my legal assistant so you will be going to work with me . You 'll sleep in my bed and to keep up appearances , that means cuffed . Jack likes to come snuggle with us on the weekends and we don 't want anything to look out of the ordinary . It 's Friday and we have a deposition in the James Heathridge case . I 'm going for insanity and I 'm going to get it . The kid should have been put in an asylum years ago . " Aaron turned that deadly stare on Spencer , " You have no choice Pet . You got him into this situation and you are going to get him out . And as your punishment , you will do what I say because you won 't like me at all if you don 't . " Spencer swallowed hard and considered his options . He could run and try to figure out a way on his own on how to get back . The problem with that was he didn 't understand this world . He was stuck , at least until he learned all he could , then he would make his move , whatever that would be . " Fine . You 're right . I did get your Spencer in this and I will try to get him out . But , I need Charlie Epps . He 's a math professor at Cal Sci , or at least in my world he is . Get him here and the two of us can figure out how to reverse what we did . " " Fine . " Aaron went to the cabinet and opened it . Spencer couldn 't help his curiosity as he looked inside . His eyes widened as he tried to identify all of the obvious BDSM equipment in there . Aaron turned and before he could protest a collar was wrapped around his neck . " This is one of Spencer 's first ones . It has a tracking device . It 's also lock - pick proof , so don 't even try it . I 'll know where you are at all times . It 's waterproof so you won 't have to take it off . Now , go shower and make sure you shave , at least your face for now . We 'll work out what to do about your body hair later . Then , in your closet , there is a light gray suit . Wear it with the lilac button up and the lilac accessories . Choose whatever cufflinks you want . " Spencer moved his neck around trying to get used to the feeling of the collar and found that he didn 't like it at all . He knew , though , that he had to go along , at least for now . He scuttled into the bathroom and turned the water on hot . He needed the warmth because he felt so cold inside . He knew he was still riding that edge of the panic attack and needed to calm down . Taking his time he did what Aaron asked and shaved , which was fine with him , he hated having facial hair anyway . As he was shaving he wondered at just what Aaron meant about his body hair , he shivered slightly trying not to think about that . He didn 't want to take too long so he quickly finished - up and stepped out of the shower . Looking in the fogged - up mirror he wiped a hand across so he could see better . After getting out of the bathroom he strode across to the indicated closet and found the suit and other items Aaron told him to put on . He looked around for shoes and didn 't see any Converse or other casual shoes . He looked in each of the individual shoe drawers and found a pair of dark grey loafers . He put those on then walked back out to the bedroom . He stopped in his tracks and couldn 't help but admire Aaron in the obviously expensive suit that was cut just for him . His mouth went dry and he licked his lips trying not to lust after this man , but it was very difficult . Spencer had been squinting , and though his eyesight wasn 't that bad , it was bad enough he was having trouble . He was startled when a pair of glasses were pressed into his hands . He put them on and though they weren 't his normal prescription he could see enough to get by , for now at least . " Perfect . " Aaron curled his lip in a crooked smile . " Showtime Pet . 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Because my rose - colored glasses are always firmly in place - - even if they are a little cracked . Currently my blushful ( it 's a word ! I looked it up ! ) gaze is focused on living life in Istanbul . . . Last night I was tired . I have been feeling a little limp and drained . I think the heat is taking it 's toll . I try to keep hydrated but still I feel headachy and tired and washed out . So I had fallen asleep and woke up around 8 : 00 , took a quick shower and decided to go for a walk . I wanted to buy dog treats for poor Chloe but can 't find a pet store and the only dog supplies the local markets have is Turkish dog food which she does not like . So I walked , and tried a few markets , and had no luck . I wandered some more but quickly tired of the crowded , tourist - packed main street . Finally I started to wind my way home and still feeling strange thought maybe I should have something to eat . I was really hoping for some of the red beans the Turks are so found of with maybe some rice , but as I stood outside a small restaurant trying to see if they were still open , the man beckoned me inside and I went . This restaurant is a very bare bones kind of place very near my apartment and I 've been curious about how it is so I decided now was as good a time as any to check it out . The menu has some English on it next to pictures of the food and I try to ask the young waiter what the " vegetarian food " is . The proprietor comes over to try to help but we can 't figure it out so I ask what is " guzel " which means " beautiful , pretty , nice " , a good all - purpose word for complimenting anything , and order what he points at . I 'm the only one sitting inside , under the bright , bright lights . There are only three tables inside and two on the street , both of which are occupied . I 'm still tired , so I just sit , looking around . There 's not a lot of " stuff " in this place . Just a refrigerated case with a few uncooked kebabs on skewers and a marble topped counter at right angles to it . The proprietor is behind the counter , his side to me , and I see that he has a small piece of dough he is kneading and slapping around . It 's about the size of a paperback book , less than half an inch thick . I think it might have something to doPosted by Returning to my apartment yesterday , thinking Musa had already left for his vacation in Konya , I went to the corner shop to try and ask the guys if they could help me . There 's been a cat crying on the top floor of the dorm building across the street for the last two nights . It 's trapped and I can see it trying to find a way off the balcony and it just cries and cries all night , sticking it 's head through the bars and looking four floors down at the other cats doing their cat business in the street . It 's been a little disturbing because it 's so hot and I 'm sure the poor thing has nothing to eat or drink . I think there 's a caretaker for the building but I don 't know him and don 't know who he is , but I 'm sure the shopkeepers will . Armed only with the Turkish word for cat , " kedi " I try to explain . The guy who speaks English best is not there and the other guy doesn 't understand . I keep saying " kedi , kedi " and pointing up to the balcony but he understandably doesn 't understand what I 'm trying to tell him . He tries telling me that they are university dorms , and some other things I don 't understand and I try to tell him " trapped cat " and some other things he doesn 't understand . Finally he calls someone from across the street , and I say " kedi " and point and he says " ah ah ! " and nods and explains to the other guy . Now we are standing outside Musa 's window and it turns out he IS there so he gets involved . Apparently they discovered the cat earlier today and it has been rescued . Now everyone understands and I make crying cat sounds and they smile and nod and tell me it 's taken care of and we all go on our way . I come inside to find that Musa 's daughter Shiva and Galip 's wife Deana have arrived . I walk in and Musa introduces me and Deana says " Oh ! We 've been talking about you ! " I say " Uh oh " and she says , " Yes , we 've been planning your life " to which I reply , " Good ! " I guess someone ought to . It turns out they want me to help Shiva with her English so Posted by I 've decided to take advantage of one of my last non - working days by slowing down and relaxing a bit . Yesterday I was offered and accepted a position teaching English starting next week . In some ways I 'm looking forward to getting started , but it has been awfully nice to only worry about my own agenda for the last few weeks . Before heading out I took Chloe downstairs to visit Musa and the weavers . Musa was out , but the two American ladies were there , weaving away . As usual they were full of helpful information , such as that I should ask for a driver because my school is in the middle of nowhere and the schools are used to providing drivers but may not offer unless I ask . They also told me about a café where I can get my coffee fix and work away on my laptop , which is where I am right now . It 's owned by a Canadian woman and is very nice , large , and cool . I think I will be a regular here … So far I 've met an American who is traveling around the world climbing mountains and was invited to go with the owner to a ceramic studio , but I turned that down . I really need to get my banking done and then want to wander to the nearby mosque and something called Kocuk Aya Sophia , a small building that is supposed to be very similar architecturally to Aya Sophia but much smaller . In the photo above Chloe is modeling her new collar , compliments of Musa . It 's too big for my teeny dog , but I put it on her now and then because it 's cute and it makes Musa happy to see Chloe jingling around with her evil eye collar . It also helps me keep track of her because she is becoming much braver in his atelier , running into different rooms and out into the hall , and I 'm not sure what his reaction would be if she does something naughty in his space . She might not be so cute and popular anymore … I 'm tired , so this will be a lazy post . I spent all day today at the Akmerkez mall which is huge . I went there , by tram and then bus , because I heard they had wee - wee pads at the pet store and I haven 't been able to find them in any of the neighborhood pet stores so far . They did have them , but they were expensive so I will have to do the math and see if it is cheaper to have them shipped from the US or buy them here . I walked the ENTIRE mall because I didn 't want to miss anything . There are several big malls here so I 'm trying to get a sense of which ones I may want to go back to . This one was four floors , the top one entirely devoted to a movie theater and restaurants which included KFC , Burger King , Schotzky 's Deli , and many Turkish fast food and cafe style places . Also a large Starbucks and Cafe Dunyasi which is a cheaper Starbucks competitor I have yet to try . There were many Turkish shops but also some I recognized such as New Balance , Tommy Hilfiger , Camper , Zara , and Marks and Spencer . There were some very cool home stores where I showed enormous restraint , and something called Microcenter which reminded me of Whole Foods . They had prepared food and packaged food and also a decent supply of housewares where I picked up a vegetable peeler and bottle opener since I had to open my mineral water last night by banging it on the edge of the counter which resulted in a nice mineral water bath for my floor . Yesterday I wandered through the outdoor markets around the Spice Bazaar a bit and bought a few small kitchen items , but I just didn 't have the patience to dig and find what I wanted in that maze and I don 't like bargaining . I just want to go to Ikea and be done with it for all the little household crap I need . If I just needed one or two things it would be a different story . I did finally buy some food - - there are great fruits and veggies and dry goods , so that problem is solved , and I found the place in the Spice Bazaar that sells scented oils which are nice after the bath and instead of perfumes , so I got myPosted by ONEYesterday I sat drinking iced latte in " Coffee ' me " on Divanyolu Caddesi . It 's expensive - 6 . 50 YTL - - but when I had nothing smaller than a 10 lira note they brought me 5 lira back and said not to worry about it . I wanted to check this place out , I 'm on a search for my next neighborhood café hangout as I 'll need somewhere to sit and work while I drink coffee . And I was curious about the iced coffee . I think it 's a new thing here . It was good and enormous but I don 't think this is the kind of place you can hang out for hours working on your laptop . Like all the other cafes you are welcome to linger , though . There 's a photo of Ataturk on the wall here , as there is a photo of Ataturk on every wall here . I think the man must have been photographed every minute of his life once he established the republic . There are so many pictures and not just the same picture over and over again . This one , for instance , appropriately shows him balancing a small cup of coffee and a cigarette in his left hand . The photo and the clouds of smoke are the only signs this is not an independent Starbucks competitor in New York . TWOSitting in a café on Taksim Square waiting for Alex . I just had to explain to a young Saudi Arabian man the name of the square , and who that statue is , Ataturk of course , and who he was and that no , the statue isn 't 700 years old , maybe more like 70 . It 's nice to know an answer instead of only and always being the one with the questions . Then he asks what they all do . Are you here alone ? By now I know to say no , I 'm here with friends . For all intents and purposes I guess that 's true . I think that 's the strangest adjustment I have to make here . No one would ask me that at home and if they did I wouldn 't have to lie or feel strange saying yes . Now I wonder what the reaction would be if instead of answering yes or no I were to say instead , " are you ? " THREESitting in Starbucks taking the lazy way out today since I don 't have any food in the house yet . I 've come for breakfast . All the bPosted by Last night I did a bad thing . I spent much of the day in my old neighborhood ( old - - I 've been here 16 days ! ) of Cihangir . Cleaning up a bit in that apartment , doing laundry , having lunch , a bit of window shopping . I packed a few things up in shopping bags to bring back to my new place , had another adventure with another cab driver , and finally arrived in apartment number 2 in Sultanahmet . It was later than I thought , so I decided to buy myself dinner since I still haven 't figured out where in this neighborhood to grocery shop . I headed down the hill instead of up towards the main street and tourist area . It was a beautiful night ; the nights here so far are all beautiful . The sun is strong and hot during the day , but so far I haven 't experienced any hot , muggy nights like we have in New York . At night it cools down and is very breezy , so it was nice to just walk and wander through the twisting streets . I was surprised to find several nice cafes very close to my place , and recognizing the name of one as the place we used to order from at the hotel , I went inside and up to the third floor terrace . I ordered Coban salad , which I could absolutely live on for the rest of my life - tomatoes , cucumbers , parsley , sometimes a few other things thrown in , and a squirt of lemon juice - and some sort of kebab , which consisted of pureed eggplant with small bits of meat with a tomato sauce on top . It was OK - maybe this isn 't the place we used to order from because that food was amazing . I 'll have to ask . I had paid my bill and was waiting for change when the lights went out . The diners at the café and the café down the hill all applauded . The waiters leaned over the railing to see how far the outage went and then returned with candles . Power outages are not unusual so everyone pretty much just goes on as best they can when they happen . This is only my second , the first one having lasted all of five minutes during the middle of the day when I was sitting in Kahvedan . I got my change , waited a few minutes , and then decPosted by I slept in the Sultanahmet apartment last night . I slept very well and slept in until 10 : 30 - my first real sleep - in since I arrived two weeks ago . Of course I was exhausted having been up until 2 : 00 in the morning , cleaning and rearranging the apartment . I arrived at 9 : 00 last night , later than expected due to a taxi dilemma , and had to go see Galip right away so he could set up my computer for the wireless . The wireless is another thing I don 't understand . When I asked Musa if it is possible for me to get wireless in my apartment he said Galip was getting it and I can just use his . Of course I offered to pay part of it but Musa shrugged me off . So either it is free , or Galip will tell me my share when the bill arrives . Either way is fine as I would have gotten it myself and now that is one less thing I have to do . This apartment really is an embarrassment of riches . I don 't have to set up the gas or electric or cable , buy furniture , deal with the internet set - up , or any of those things which call for deposits and time spent running from place to place . I don 't even have to clean , but I prefer to do my own cleaning and not use the cleaning woman Musa arranges . I just came back from hours in a café eating , drinking coffee , drinking tea , and watching the Sultanahment café guys try to talk tourists into their cafes . Then I stopped to see Erkan and ask him where in the neighborhood I can buy cleaning supplies , and after he finished up with some customers , including the governor 's wife and her security woman , he walked me to the store . I felt like a charwoman walking back , through the crowds of tourists , past the Blue Mosque with my bucket and mop and rags . I greeted the nice shopkeepers down the block who stayed open for me last night when I was desperate for water and juice and manage a few Turkish phrases . They wanted to know what I 'm doing with the mop and bucket and I have some trouble explaining . They ask if I 'm staying in the hotel and don 't understand when I say , no , a house beside the hotel . ThePosted by Above is a photo taken from my computer with my laptop . I haven 't gotten the camera thing figured out yet , so these photos don 't really do justice to my view , but it will give you an idea . This scene is from my living room window which is in the back of the building looking out over the Marmara Sea . Istanbul is built on seven hills , like Rome , and you can see that this area , Sultanahmet , slopes sharply down to the sea . In fact , the windows in the back of my building are at least two times higher than those at the front . I 'm not exactly sure of the height because I can 't see the ground since the streets are very narrow and the buildings close together . It looks like a lot of construction and repair is going on around me , but there are still several old , wooden , Ottoman style houses falling into ruin in this neighborhood . Some are just shells and some are occupied in spite of their extremely decrepit condition . You can see a mosque to the left in the photo . I 'm not sure which one it is yet . There is another quite small mosque I can see from my bedroom windows too , along with the girl 's dormitories for one of the universities . It is extremely quiet here , although I am very near the Blue Mosque and all the tourist craziness . It 's rare that a car goes by on my street and the only sound I hear at the moment is a saw a few blocks away on a rooftop . Another view showing more of the ships and the sea . When I sit on my sofa all I can see is the sea and the sky and the ships . I just counted 46 , not counting the small boats I see docked in the distance . It 's pretty fantastic to have this same view from my kitchen window as well . More later , including my adventures with cabdrivers , but now I need to run out and buy cleaning supplies and assorted household goods . Early today I experienced unexpected success . Last night , after the interview , after talking to Musa , after going home to see my dog was still not feeling well and being unsure what to do about that , I had to go , hot and tired as I was , to the Turkcell store . I turned my cell phone off for the first time since buying it for the interview and when I turned it back on it asked for a PIN . I tried a few likely and incorrect codes and then it locked me out . So I went to the help desk in the store and the girl started speaking Turkish . When I asked if she spoke English she said yes , and I explained and showed her the problem . She asked me for a GSM number and I said " what ? " not knowing what that meant , and she asked again and I said " what ? " again and she said , " Do you speak English ? " I said yes , and finally figured out that the GSM number is my telephone number . So then she started doing stuff in her computer and asked for my identification . I was a little confused again ( tired , hot , exhausted , worn out ) , but pulled out my New York driver 's license . She said , " I need something else , something with your father 's surname … your identity papers . " That always sounds scary to me , like I 'm in a communist country , or Nazi Germany or something , but my Turkish friend did tell me Turks carry some kind of identity card . I said " like a passport " and she said yes . When I said I didn 't have it she said " why ? " This was going nowhere . Finally she said OK , and wrote down a phone number and said , " Call this number " . " I don 't have a phone " , she said , " when you get to another phone " . I asked , " If I come back tomorrow , do I just need my passport , is that enough ? " She said yes . I left , tired , frustrated . This morning I got up , fed Chloe , who seems a little better and finally ate and stopped shaking , dug up my passport and went back to Turkcell . The same girl was there , but she had me talk to the guy beside her . He asked for my cell number , then my name . He looked confused and said the SIM card wasn ' Posted by Yesterday I went on a job interview . I took the metro to Levent and it was so fast I had some time to take a quick look around the mall it dumped me into and to have a coffee at the Starbucks there . Starbucks was packed and I 'm not sure but I think the seating inside the store was for non - smokers and the seating outside was for smokers . I sat with the smokers because I wanted to look around at the mall and the passing people . This mall seems even nicer than the one I went to last week and I think I will come here to shop for the clothes I need to round out my wardrobe since I didn 't bring much with me . I headed off to my interview down the highway , climbing through a construction site with the other pedestrians and crossing some scary , busy highways . Finally I found the school . It 's really nice and occupies several stories of a small building . I think the interview went well and that they are really interested in me and I am excited about this job . This school seems much more like a well - though - out business than some of the others I 've been in touch with . They don 't seem like they just want to keep shuffling students and teachers through the same boring routine . They 've given some thought to developing and expanding their business . They work mostly with corporate clients , often tailoring the classes to the needs of a specific company , but they also have open classes . Classes run for 6 months so there would be some stability to my schedule . They offer full insurance , free Turkish lessons , and help with work and residency permits and the pay is the highest I 've heard of so far . I would get a monthly salary , not one of those hourly - we 'll - pay - you - when - and - if - the - students - show - up schemes . They are interested in my coaching and business experience because they want to expand into coaching and mentoring their business clients . Apparently now those clients pay a fortune to bring consultants in and the school would like to fill that need since they are already in the door and teaching business English for the most part . AsPosted by I will warn you that this post may be both over the top and rambling because I AM SO FREAKIN ' EXCITED because I just found my apartment . And I found it in the best way possible , through my most trusted , reliable , and beloved Turkish friends . I 've been feeling kind of unmoored lately , looking for an apartment , being in a strange city , not understanding the language , and I think the fact that I have so much time on my hands at the moment makes matters worse so I decided to go buy some big paper and start drawing . I know it will make me feel better . I took the tram across the Golden Horn to Sultanahmet ( I just like saying that , it sounds so exotic and also like I know my way around but it 's actually the easiest thing in the world ) and stopped by the hotel just to say hello . Mike was the only brother I saw on my visit last week so today I confused the other two brothers . They all assume I 'm on vacation and staying at the hotel and get very confused when I just wander past on the street . So I explained to Alp and he asked me where I 'm living and I told my story . He asked how much I wanted to pay and next thing I knew he was on the phone , then he was drawing me a map and then I was standing in a palatial ( only slight exaggeration ) apartment with a panoramic view of the Marmara Sea . The best part about it is that when Alp 's friend Musa opened the door I knew him ! He manufactures the new kilims the brothers sell ( they have too many thriving businesses for me to even begin to explain , they need their own blog for that ) . I 've seen him around the hotel quite a bit but we never really spoke . I do remember that last time I was visiting Istanbul I was sitting outside the hotel in the café when Musa arrived and Mike said , " Do you want to see the best carpet in the world . No , really " . And we went inside where Musa showed us an amazing rug made of baby alpaca wool , dyed deep red with natural dyes . They take 6 months to make . It was gorgeous . So I remember Musa . He explained that he works on the bottom floor and thPosted by Istanbul is filled with street cats . You see them everywhere and it seems that people make an effort to take care of them . It 's not uncommon to find piles of cat food and minced meat lying on sidewalks and especially late in the day you see the cats crouched around them . The café I go to has a café cat . It has a favorite chair next to the window and the first two days I was there I was amused to watch a couple of people come in , head for that table , see the cat , and turn to find a different seat . When the waiters offered to shoo the cat the customers refused , saying , no , no , don 't disturb him . One of the waiter 's even picked the cat up , somehow managing to keep him in his sleeping position , and rocked him back and forth . The café cat barely opened his eyes . As I wind my way through the streets to the café I always take the same path . In front of one of the buildings I pass a motorcycle is always parked in the same spot , and sleeping on the motorcycle seat is always a little gray and white cat . The first time I saw her I thought she had just chosen a funny place to sleep that day , but by the third time I realized this was her regular spot . She is always deep in sleep . Sometimes there is black cat lurking around the motorcycle but the little gray cat is the only one who sleeps on it . I look for her now so this morning as I passed the spot I noticed the motorcycle was missing . As I approached I saw that she was sleeping in the spot where the motorcycle normally parks ! On my way back I saw the motorcycle was still out and about in Istanbul , so she was sleeping on the trunk of a car next to the motorcycle 's parking spot waiting for her ride to return . Since yesterday was Saturday I decided to head up to Istiklal Caddesi ( " caddesi " means " street " ) . Istiklal is a very , very busy pedestrian shopping street , and I really hate crowds but figured if Istanbul is at all like New York everyone will sleep in on Saturday so the crowds wouldn 't hit until later . It turns out I was right . I found a café near Taksim square looking out onto Istiklal , so it was good for people watching , and ordered scrambled eggs with mint ( sounds a little strange but it was yummy ) and a latte which turned out to be very good . Then I walked toward an English language bookstore I found on my last trip hoping to pick up the teeny mini Turkish / English dictionary everyone seems to have . On my way I heard shouting and started seeing police and a small crowd , but luckily I didn 't have to go through the crowd to get to the bookstore . When I went in I asked the clerk what was going on and he laughed and said he didn 't know , but every weekend there is some kind of demonstration and no one really pays any attention . He didn 't have the teeny dictionary , only a huge one so I headed back the way I 'd come , stopping on the way in some clothing stores , the Swatch store , and the MAC ( makeup , not computer ) store to browse and see what 's available . When I reached Taksim Square I bought a copy of TimeOut Istanbul . Maybe I will finally go out and do something one night instead of being such a homebody . Heading down one of the steep , twisting streets I decided to stop in a salon and finally have the pedicure I so desperately needed . The word for pedicure looks the same as it does in English so I pronounced it the same but they looked confused so I pointed to my feet . I feel like an idiot many times every day because I am always enthusiastically and vigorously pointing at something to try to explain myself as if great amounts of energy will make it clear . But it worked and I was taken to wait beside another woman who was having a pedicure . I was waiting patiently when the woman having the pedicure Posted by There seems to be some kind of natural rhythm here . I don 't know if it 's from the sea or the sun , but the winds blow and stop blowing at predictable times of the day and night . Around 7 : 30 in the morning birds start circling and wheeling and shrieking outside my window . They rush in big sweeping arcs that curve from right outside my window , over the center of the block , past the buildings that fall down toward the Bosphorus . They sweep back toward my windows and fly so close I see their shadows cross my curtains and I 'm afraid they 'll fly in the open window . They chase each other round and round , chattering excitedly . I don 't know what they are , they aren 't pigeons , they 're smaller . It 's a little disconcerting to see their shadows plunging across the curtains . For some reason I think they 're starlings , although I wouldn 't know a starling from an emu . Whatever they 're doing I get the sense they 're excited about it . Although they chatter frantically they seem more exhilarated than distressed . It 's relatively quiet in the morning . A faint hum of traffic , a few quiet voices in the street . The cat that cries every night has stopped . Last night one of my neighbors tried to quiet it . It would cry , she would give a sharp " sh " , it would stop . It would cry , she would " sh " , it would stop . Over and over . She gave up before the cat did . The rhythm of the place affects me too . I wake up at 7 : 00 . Wide awake , not like in New York where I have to drag myself out of sleep , and would never wake up at that hour on my own . Around 8 : 30 one of my neighbors , I don 't know who or where she is , will start making breakfast and the smell will make me hungry and envious . Today it will drive me out early in search of food and coffee since I have neither here at the moment . Yesterday Alex needed to buy a new power cord for her Mac so I decided to tag along to see where my Mac would need to go if it gets sick , and also to see a new neighborhood . We decided to meet at the metro station in Taksim Square , which is the main square in Istanbul . I live very close to it and have been winding my way to and around it ever since I arrived . But yesterday I took a different route , needing to check out a few of the shops on the way . I left my apartment , turned right , went downhill for about one block , then starting climbing a steep , steep hill . I 'm at a loss to describe how steep this hill is , probably 45 degrees . I passed cafes , a hair salon , groceries , the rental agent recommended to me , and lots of other things I began to be too winded to notice or care about . I climbed and climbed and next thing I knew , I was in Taksim Square ! No turns , no confusion of twisting streets . I would have laughed if I 'd had any breath left to laugh with . I had no idea I lived this close to the square . The ascent is exhausting but there is good stuff on this street and it will be so much easier to go home this way . I feel like a complete dork for just figuring this out . After flopping exhausted and damp into a hotel cafe for coffee and water and then running all around the square trying to find jeton ( the tokens for the subway ) I meet Alex and after a short metro ride we are in Sisli . Sisli is supposed to be a very nice area with cafes and shops , but we arrive in the middle of a lot of busy , wide roads . Following the directions Alex has been given we walk along a busy highway and finally see the Apple logo . We climb two flights to the small office where luckily one of the guys speaks English . He is very helpful and friendly so we chat with him for a bit . He is surprised when I can say his name properly . Finally a word I can say correctly , and a genuine compliment as opposed to all the compliments that come because people are sincerely pleased that you even try to approximate their language . The only downside to our APosted by I 'm sitting in my apartment , writing , writing , writing . Chloe is sleeping at my feet , at the foot of the bed . The sky is bright , clear blue and the light is luminous . I 've opened the cream colored drapes but the sheers are pulled and they blow in the breeze and it is perfect . This is the kind of light that makes things glow . It 's almost brighter in here when I close the sheer , white curtains than when I open them . The walls are bright white and all this light makes me want to paint my new apartment white when I finally find it instead of the saturated colors I 've been using for the last few years . This is water light . I keep expecting to look out the window and see an ocean or a sea . I have always thought of the Bosphorus as a river , but it is actually a strait connecting the Black Sea and the Marmara Sea . Now that I live within sight of it I 'm starting to understand the Turks ' fixation with the Bosphorus . The view out my window is sort of urban - Mediterranean . Bright light . Sand and tobacco and grey - blue buildings sharp against the clear blue cloudless sky . The buildings are four to six stories , plain , boxy , and they climb steeply up hills away from the Bosphorus , and are interspersed with trees . Laundry flutters , satellite dishes perch , birds fly and horns honk . Now and then I hear the voices of men conversing outside their shops , talking in the streets . I hear the sound of the guys across the street playing backgammon and I rouse myself to make lunch - tuna and the best tomatoes I 've had since I was 10 - years - old . Last night I took the tram across the Golden Horn to " my " hotel , my home away from home in Istanbul . It feels strange for me to be in this city and not be staying there . I 'm having a great time but miss waking up and knowing everyone and of course they take very good care of me there , but I 'm not on vacation now so I have to forage for my own breakfast , lunch , and dinner and make my own bed . As I walk up the hill to the hotel the first person I see is Serdar . Serdar has always made me laugh and I 'm glad he 's the first one I see , standing out front and looking down the street at me . I give a little wave and he hesitates and gives a little wave back and I can tell he has no idea who he is looking at . So I am laughing as I approach and finally he realizes who he is looking at and he gets confused and asks when I arrived . I tell him Friday , knowing that will really confuse him . So we talk for a bit and I explain that I have moved and at first he doesn 't believe me but then he asks me where I 'm living and what it 's like and what about my apartment in New York and says he is looking for a place but he couldn 't afford Cihangir where I live but he is impressed when I tell him how little I 'm paying . He asks how long I 'll stay and I say probably a year , if that 's alright and he says he 'll get back to me . Then Kedir comes out and asks me how I arrived without passing him at the desk , and then Hassan , and Adnan , and Ismael say hello and now I am feeling at home . Nihat is also sitting in the sidewalk café and it is good to see familiar faces . As I pass through the lobby I see a man I know must be Roger . He is wearing one of Mike 's scarves , so he can only be a good friend , and Alex told me she met someone named Roger the other night . I 've heard a lot about Roger from Mike if this is indeed him so I consider saying " hi Roger ! " just to freak him out a little but decide against it . I walk upstairs and into the garden and look down into " the museum " and see a circle of people and Sucru in the middle throwing out rPosted by Well , I had my first tears of frustration yesterday . I could deal with being lost and not being able to mime " voltage converter " , but not being able to get in my door did me in . I have struggled with this door ever since I arrived , but always manage to get it open eventually . Not this time . The keys work just fine , the deadbolts click just like they 're supposed to , but then the stupid door just won 't open . I must have locked and unlocked it for 10 minutes , getting hotter , and stickier , and sweatier with every passing second . Then I started banging on the door ( fruitless and unsatisfying ) and pulling on the door knocker ( which broke off , but I fixed it ) , and finally I had to go downstairs and next door to the Emlak . I think " Emlak " means rental agent , but they also do building stuff so maybe it means super , too . He 's the guy you go to when there 's a problem . I went in and one of the guys who helped me with my luggage when I arrived , the older one , came into the front room and I started my mime performance . He stopped me and pointed to a door , the bathroom I think . Then he came over to me and started speaking Turkish and put his hand on his heart and kissed my hand and told me I am very pretty , two Turkish words I know , and something about " alme " which I just looked up and according to my dictionary it means " Egyptian dancing girl " . I don 't really know how to take that , but he seemed to mean it in a good way . He motioned me to sit , and calm down , and we had a short conversation of a sort . Then the other guy came out of the bathroom , and I started miming away , but he stopped me and shook my hand , and said hello . I guess I was a little frantic and forgot my manners . Then we went upstairs and he noticed there is no doorknob on the outside of the door , and frowned and it took him about half a second to open the door with the key . We both laughed , and now I understand how to get in , you 're supposed to turn the non - existent knob , but you can make the key do that job . Later , after working away for hours , I felt confident enoPosted by By 11AM it 's already been a mixed day . I got up , cleaned my bathroom , cleaned and fed my dog , showered , and was feeling pretty good about the day , even though I seem to have broken my toilet while cleaning it . A problem I solved by pouring a big bottle of water down when I needed to flush it , figuring I would deal with a permanent fix later . I showered in my nice clean bathroom , packed up my laptop and was on my way . I decided to stop in the pet store across the street and scope out Chloe supplies . I need to find a dog food she will eat and would like to get her a bed and maybe some treats . The nice guy at the counter let loose with a whole string of Turkish words when I walked in . Mixed in there was " hosgeldiniz " ( welcome ) . I just say " merhaba " ( hello ) and they all seem to get that I don 't speak Turkish . After a lot of gesturing I managed to explain that I have a dog , and learned my Turkish word for today , " kopek " , which is the word for dog . It 's much harder than you would think to explain even simple things . I tried to explain that I wanted smaller cans of dog food , but I think he thought I meant cheaper because he handed me a can of Pedigree and , yes , it 's the same Pedigree . Finally I pointed at the number of grams on the can of food and he got that I wanted a smaller can , which they didn 't have . Not surprising as I 've seen only one small dog so far , a shitzu . I thanked him and left and , feeling brave and not wanting to cross the street and all the crazy traffic on what is usually a quiet corner , I decided to stop in a hardware store and see if I could find a voltage converter . Apparently I do not have the acting skills to act out either " voltage " or " converter " . After another stream of Turkish words containing " hosgeldiniz " and my American " merhaba " the nice hardware man sent his young son to try and help me . The poor thing tried , but I kept ending up with different outlet adaptors , and I would point at the word " volt " on a package and he would hand me a light bulb . When I left I think they were as confused asPosted by Last night I had Dominos Pizza for dinner . I would like to be able to say it was exactly the same or soooo different from home , but the truth is I can 't remember the last time I had a Dominos Pizza , and I rarely have any other kind of pizza either . I had planned to go find a cafe . It 's too hard to cook in someone else 's kitchen and Vivian 's is not really equipped for much cooking , so I am resigned to going out often , especially for dinner . But I did want to wander and find a small , cheap , neighborhood cafe . Once I was outside however , I was tired and not in the mood for aimless wandering and anyway lots of things were closed today because it was Sunday . And there was Dominos so I took the easy way out . So much for taking advantage of all that healthy , fresh Turkish cuisine . However , this is spurring me on to make the calls , get in touch with the contacts I 've been given . I can 't WAIT to find and set up my own place . I like the apartment I 'm in but it 's not mine and I don 't want to buy ( and have to move ) the furniture and kitchen stuff it 's lacking in case I end up renting a furnished flat . Stuff I can 't figure out : 1 . Where to put my trash . 2 . Why the street I live on is on no map , and so , where EXACTLY I am . Today I am having a weekend . I made breakfast which took awhile as I couldn 't find the pots and pans . I almost went out to eat in frustration but I bought eggs and eventually would have had to find a way to cook them so I opened my laptop , found the instructions for the apartment that Vivian was smart enough to email me , found the pans and made my breakfast : Scrambled eggs with tomatoes and cucumbers and some of the lovely apricot - combo juice ( don 't really know , it is in Turkish , but it has pictures of several kinds of fruits ) . Then I went to Kahvedan , the cafe where all the ex - pats hang out , to fortify myself with coffee because I really , really needed to get a cell phone , but don 't like doing stuff like that . I hung out for a couple of hours , writing , thinking , looking at maps , long enough to run into Robin . I met her through a mutual friend on my last trip and she is a friend of Alex , the woman who I took my ESL class with and who has been a great help to me here . Confused ? It 's all rather incestual here , which is actually kind of nice . Finally I wandered over to Istiklal Caddesi , the main shopping street in the area . Thankfully it wasn 't crowded yet and I walked right up to the TurkCel counter where after a lot of gesturing , pointing , and rudimentary English from the salesman I succeeded in buying a shiny red phone , cim card , and kontour ( kind of like minutes ) . Then I came home and called a few friends to make tentative plans for tomorrow . The sun is beating down outside , but my apartment is always breezy . I had planned to clean and unpack but the breeze and my book are too tempting so I am lying in the breeze reading . I will put my iPod in Vivian 's genius iPod stereo thingy ( I think I must get one of those ) and clean later . I just got a note from my new Turkish friend . We met yesterday and she has already sent me the name of another friend who can help me find an apartment . Tomorrow I start calling schools to set up more interviews ( I have a job if I want it starting in September , but I think I can do better tiPosted by My apartment keeps getting lost . I 'm not lost , I usually know exactly where I am which is a huge triumph for someone with the non - sense of direction that I have . I am amazed at how much of what I can reach on foot I remember from previous trips and it 's really nice . But finding my apartment is a challenge . There 's a lot of wandering . I 've passed it twice already without seeing it and I 'm sure the guys in the surrounding shops must be getting a good laugh out of that as they don 't seem to miss much that goes on in this quiet street . Part of the problem is that the street I live on curves and does a sharp u - turn , and it 's not the only one . It 's surrounded by other little streets that jut and curve and twist up and down hills . The hills are incredibly steep , even giving way to streets made up of sharply ascending and descending stone steps which allow for amazing views of the Bosphorous through the crowded stacks of buildings . It 's a good place for wandering , but if you 're me and you really need a cup of coffee and can 't find the cafes it can make for a cranky afternoon . But now it 's late and I 'm safely home and just got up to investigate the funny tapping , falling sound outside my kitchen window . It turns out to be two men across the street . They have set up a table on the sidewalk in front of their shop and are playing backgammon . That explains that sound , but the one from this morning is still a mystery . I was almost dressed and ready to leave when I heard a strange sound , almost like a cuckoo clock . I tracked it down to a box near my door . There are three boxes near my door and I have no idea what any of them are for . The box kept cuckooing and I kept staring at it and wondering what it meant and hoping it 's not some kind of fire alarm . It 's possible it was someone ringing a bell downstairs , but I wasn 't dressed and didn 't want to check . Next time I have a friend over I will have them ring the downstairs bell , assuming there even is one and see if that solves the mystery . I am up early . As usual when I am in Istanbul I can not sleep late . I think it 's something about the light which is clear and bright and I hope it lasts all year because I will be much more productive . But I must learn to go to bed earlier . It doesn 't feel like I live somewhere different when I 'm in my apartment ( I guess I should start calling it my " flat " but that still seems silly to me ) . When I venture out though , I feel like " foreigner " . I 'm sure that will fade a bit with time . Within a few days I always feel right at home , but I guess I will always look like " foreigner " to the Turks . Last night I ventured out to find food , planning to find a cafe and sit and have a decent meal . Couldn 't find the cafes . I 'm sure I 'm close , I remember this neighborhood and it is packed full of cute cafes , but I went the wrong way and everything was closed down toward the Bosphorous . The good news is I found the tram stop just a few blocks from my place , so now I know EXACTLY where I am . Today I will climb up the hill instead of heading down as I try to find my way to meet Gulten for lunch . Last night I ended up with a can of tuna and some really good juice from a little market across the street . These markets are kind of like the bodegas in New York . Small and they stay open late and have two or three of each item . Some of the stuff is fresh but if you pick up something dusty you know to steer away from that particular item . Things that are the same : The sounds of birds outside my window in the morning . My dog waking me up before I 'm ready and then sleeping soundly once I am wide awake . My apartment never seems quite neat and clean enough . The sound of helicopters flying far overhead . There 's not enough room for my clothes . The internet looks mostly the same . Things that are different : The sound of cats outside my window at night . I can see the Bosphorous from my window . I live across the street from a Ducati dealer and a pet store - - how lucky I am I ? No need to search far and wide for Chloe supplies and who knows , maybe I will buy a motoPosted by I 've arrived ! I officially live in Turkey . Me , my dog , four suitcases , and my MacBook . Chloe was a trooper , and so far my fears that the Turks would think I was a weirdo for having a fluffy white dog are groundless . Thanks to her , I met Mansour ( about 3 years old ) and his brother Selim ( about 5 ) at JFK as we were waiting to board . They stayed a few feet away from her for awhile but couldn 't resist and just had to pet her , and then I thought Mansour was going to climb in the bag with her ! The three Turkish men in my row on the plane were also interested in her , asked a few questions and then we settled in for a quiet flight , except for one gentleman 's insistence that I start learning Turkish RIGHT THEN by reading the in - flight magazine which has Turkish on one side and the English translation on the other . I kind of flipped through it to pacify him ( he was actually perfectly nice ) and then dozed off . When I arrived at Ataturk Airport I was a little confused about how to get a big cart since the little ones just weren 't going to do , but then I found a porter who loaded my bags on the cart and started wheeling me to the taxi stand . After we passed the crush of people I heard someone calling my name and turned to find Adnan rushing toward me . He is the driver from the hotel where I usually - - used to ? - - stay and was waiting for some hotel guests to arrive . We said hello and he asked what I was doing , wondering I 'm sure why he wasn 't meeting me , and I told him I 'm moving but will come visit and he rushed back to find his guests . When I got to my apartment I asked the driver to wait with my bags and ran up to drop off my dog and carry - on . Alexandra was there to meet me , as promised , and we both rushed down to get the luggage across the small cobblestone street . She took the first one up the two flights of the small spiral marble stairs leading to my sublet apartment while I maneuvered the other three bags to the sidewalk . Then the two gentlemen sitting outside the store next to my building jumped up , swung my bags on theirPosted by |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 31 , 2012 It was happening . I was falling for this great guy who managed to find me on Grindr . Who would have thought ? I was still quite unsure how he felt about me , but I still had no luck finding a single fault in him . I was prepared to take things slow with Clark Kent . I saw no need to rush things . Dating all these men in NYC helped me relax and enjoy things in real time . I didn 't need to think about what was coming next . I only needed to think about what was happening now . I was enjoying his company immensely . That being said , I needed to tie up some loose ends . I had no desire to see any other guys while seeing CK . He was great , and he kept my attention . I didn 't want to wander and philander . I wanted him and him alone . The first loose end to tie up was Southern Drawl . It took me two weeks to realize he wasn 't right for me . He 'd gone home to the South to visit family , and it offered me a necessary reprieve from him . He sent me a few pictures from down there and a few texts . I responded in turn , but they were very short . When he asked how my day was going , I responded with what I 'd done that day . " Well thanks for the play by play . Enjoy the rest of your week . Let me know if you wanna hang out again when I get back , " he responded . I wasn 't going to take that lying down . " Whoa ! Where 's the hostility coming from ? " He apologized and explained he didn 't mean it that way . " How bout enjoy the rest of your week , and I look forward to hanging with you sometime when I get back 🙂 xoxo , " he added . I told him we only knew each other a short period of time and warned him not to get ahead of himself . I was using this turn of events to drive a rift between us . He texted : " Well , that was a joke , but point taken . Wow ! So I 'll go back to your statement from a few months ago . Ball is in your court . Otherwise , you won 't be hearing from me . " I reminded him to recall who picked that ball up again in the end . Then came the clincher : " Well , I guess I dropped it cause I 'm being drunk and stupid again . Oh well . That ' let 's not get ahead of ourselves ' $ hit just irked me . So Grindr away , do your thing and hit me up if you want to hang out sometime . No hard feelings if not . I 've learned my lesson about guys in the city and was a dumba $ $ to think you could be different . But that 's my fault , not yours . " I had my out . I wasn 't going to let him talk to me like that . I wasn 't going to try to foster a relationship with someone who made such accusations . We 'd known each other two weeks , and I was already getting drunken rants . This wasn 't a good sign of what was to come . In my book , he was done . I deserved an apology , and until I got one , I wasn 't going to communicate with him . I was going to give him a day to apologize . Just when I was about to inform him he 'd killed any chance with me , he texted , " Had a rough night last night . Whiskey on the river . Bad combo . " This was an excuse , not an apology - Unacceptable . Two days later , I responded , " Still waiting for an apology . You were way out of line , and I did nothing to deserve your assumptions ! " He apologized profusely and cited more reasons why he 'd been so harsh . " You 're an incredible guy , but if you never want to hang out again , I get it . But , for the record , I did miss talking to you and stuff this week , " he texted . He still seemed to be making excuses for himself . I didn 't respond . A day later , he said , " So , I guess that 's it then , huh ? " I was done with him . I told him from the start I don 't play these games . It seemed to be his mode of operation . I simply replied , " I think we should try friends for a bit . I get that you were drunk , but drunk minds speak a sober heart … " He asked if we could talk and tried calling me . I texted back telling him I was still at work , which was the truth . He started playing the martyr and going off on me . I told him to stop being so melodramatic . When I left work to grab dinner before returning to the office , I called him . We talked for about a half hour . I explained to him all the things he did and how they were wrong . He didn 't even realize all the things he was doing . I pointed out how he was unloading all his baggage on me and how unfair that was . I did nothing to deserve that . I proposed we take a big step back and work on a legitimate friendship first . In reality , I was pretty much done with him . I was purely being polite . He was a decent guy , but he was a little broken . He wasn 't satisfied with this and wanted to redeem himself , but I gave him an ultimatum . I said we could either be friends , or we could be nothing . That was his choice . It all depended on his future actions toward me . As time progressed , and I was too busy to hang out with him when he asked me to , he began getting very snippy with me . I suggested a happy hour drink , but that went south fast . His sarcasm came out in full force until I said , " On second thought , maybe that was a bad idea . " I pointed out to him how combative he was toward me and said obviously this wasn 't going to work out between us . I gave him my work address so he could mail me back the sunglasses he borrowed from me . I didn 't even want to have to go through seeing him again . He 'd gotten on my last nerve . He told me how hurt he was by the whole thing , but I pointed out to him it was all of his own doing . He never treated me with trust and respect before he even had any reason to doubt me . I wasn 't going to take any more of his crap . I 'd already dealt with enough . He couldn 't understand how his going off on a drunken tirade toward me was such a deal breaker . " It just doesn 't add up , " he said . He told me to delete him from my phone and he planned to delete me from his . In another instance , he said , " And for the record , I 'm truly upset . You 're one of the good ones . And I 'm a piece of $ hit to write off apparently . " He wasn 't going to guilt me into liking him again . It was OVER ! That left two other loose ends to tie up . I had been meaning to text the Jersey City athlete for some time . He seemed like a really nice guy , and we got along great , but he was no CK . I needed to be fair to him and let him know what 's up . I texted him and said , " Hey dude . I def owe you a text and an explanation … I had a great time with you that one night , but at the same time , I 'd also just met someone . I want to let you know I think you 're a great guy , but things have progressed . And , I want to give this a shot . I hope you understand and don 't take it personally ! And I apologize since this message is long overdue ! " He responded quickly , saying , I completely understand . I 'm in a similar situation myself actually . When it rains , it pours , right ? " I was happy to hear he was cool with things . I added , " LOL . Yes . Glad to hear . Maybe we can hang out again sometime and build a friendship ? … " He responded , " I 'd like that . " After that , we chatted a few times on Facebook . I asked him how things were going with his new man , but learned the guy simply stopped responding to him . Turns out it was one of my neighbors . We still haven 't found time to hang out as friends , but I 'm sure it will happen sometime . I need to have a gay friend nearby these days … Middle Eastern and I hadn 't seen each other in quite some time . He 'd text periodically to see how I was doing , but we made no plans to see each other . I was still a little put off from the time he told me he 'd come over and never did . At one point , he asked if we could hang out again . I told him that would definitely work . I was not opposed to hanging out , but that would be all that transpired between us . No more sex . No more intimacy . We 'd purely be friends . It wouldn 't be easy , because we did have a great deal of fun in bed , but I had faith I could do it . The time came for me to tell him I 'd met someone else . " So anything new ? " he texted one day . " Actually , yes . I 've recently started dating someone . Been trying to figure out a way to bring it up … I hope you understand , " I responded . Immediately , he shot back , " Well , I 'm definitely happy for you : ) . And I 'm glad you told me . Kinda stung a little , not gonna lie about that . " I felt really bad . I did like him a great deal , and I didn 't want to hurt him . There was no easy way to tell him , so honesty would be the only way to go . " Sorry ! Hence my hesitation . You 're a great guy , and I hope we can be friends ! ! You kinda disappeared on me . Seemed like you met someone else . I put myself out there and met someone … " I added . He expressed how he was really happy for me and pointed out it just wasn 't meant to be . I told him he deserved someone young and fun and told him I really meant it about being friends . " Maybe . When I get over you . Of course I wanna be friends with you . We discussed grabbing a drink sometime , but that still had yet to happen . Some day we 'll find the time to hang out and become good friends . And just like that , all loose ends were tied up . It wasn 't easy , but it was over . Now , I could concentrate all my efforts on the new man in my life - Clark Kent . The man who cut the roster down to one . We tried to make plans to see each other during the week , but it never seemed to work out . Instead , we 'd have to wait until the weekend to see each other again . It wasn 't easy , but it would have to do . I didn 't want to do anything to scare him off . I was too infatuated to lose him already . I would be patient . I would wait for things to happen naturally . I would finally do things right , and hopefully , by putting everything I 'd learned from all the men I dated , I would find true love . I barely knew him , but I could already tell we were quite a match . On top of that , we weren 't even done the first date before he planned to see me again . It was his suggestion for us to catch The Hunger Games Saturday morning while we had breakfast . I texted him and invited him to come over to Hoboken . We would take the motorcycle out for a ride before the movie . I ran a lot of errands that morning in anticipation of his arrival later in the afternoon . As the day progressed , the weather looked like it would cooperate less and less . The sky was covered with clouds and the wind picked up significantly . It looked like it would rain any minute . He agreed with the new plan . I met him at his apartment with plenty of time to catch the movie . He suggested we hit up the rooftop since I didn 't get to see it the first time I was there . How could I say no to that ? When I got to his apartment , we went directly up to the roof . We spent time checking out the sights , cuddling and taking pictures like we 've been a couple for a year already . I was crushing hard ! We sat and talked , and he suggested we catch a later showing so we could relax and not have to rush to the theater . I wasn 't going to object to anything at this point . I was so happy . I was just going to go with the flow . We finally made our way to the theater . He insisted on buying my ticket . I protested since there was no reason I couldn 't pay for myself , but he continued to insist . He wanted this to be his treat . I relented , but was sure to pick up the tab for the pretzel bites and soda . We made our way into the theater and got great seats . Almost immediately , the PDA began between us . It wasn 't gag yourself PDA . We were simply holding hands or caressing each other 's arms . It was my kind of PDA . I was quite enjoying myself ! When the movie was over , we made our way to the street and discussed the film while we walked . This was his second time seeing the movie . He expressed interest in reading the book , and I strongly encourage him to . I was already part of the way through the second book in the series of three . We held hands while we walked and at times put our arms around each other . I could hear a lot of people making comments , and some even began to shout or hoot and holler at us . A few of the comments were jeers and a few were shouts of support . This was not something I was used to , but it was something I would have to learn to shrug off . I 'd walked through the city being affectionate with other guys before , but it never gathered this type of reaction . At one point , CK acknowledged the comments , asking , " Are they still honking at us ? " I told him I thought so , and we kept walking . Frankly , I was a little surprised by it all . We were in midtown west - Smack dab between Chelsea and HK , two of the gayest neighborhoods in NYC . I had a feeling a lot of the commenters were out - of - towners , and many of them were young guys . When we got away from the crowds , he commented how he liked how I was into the hand holding . " Not all guys are into it . I 'm glad you like it , " he added . I told him I liked little signs of affection , but I wasn 't into the far more obvious public displays . I told him I 'm not much for making out in public . We stopped by Pinkberry on the way back to his rooftop as per his request . We ordered ice cream and shared spoonfuls with each other as we walked up the street . When we got back to his place , we headed straight to the roof . We laid on one of the outdoor couches together and got comfortable while we ate our ice cream . We talked for a while before we ended up making out . Things stepped up to the next level when he undid my belt and began orally pleasuring me with one eye on the door . It was risky but I wasn 't fully exposed . I liked his passion and excitement . I 'd finally met my match in terms of a decent , normal guy with a healthy sexual appetite . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . It wasn 't long before we were both naked in his bed . There was significant foreplay before he asked if I wanted to penetrate him . I was completely engulfed in our passionate romp and nodded my head in definitive agreement . " Yes ! Like no other ! " I added . Then , I 'm not sure how things switched so quickly , but as I was grinding on his backside , and stopped to put on a condom , he turned to me and said , " Can I f * ck you ? " A long time ago , I made a rule for myself I would not bottom for a guy unless we were in a relationship . It wasn 't something I really enjoyed , so only special guys would receive the privilege . I had very strong feelings for him . I wanted to share something special with him already . I could hear A 's voice in my head telling me no sex until the third date , but that voice in my head was no comparison to the passion of my other head . After all that thinking , I said , " Yes . " Like that , he started making out with me , and he had me on my back . While we were making out , I set the open condom down on the bed . He was already putting it on . I thought he was going to top me after I topped him . I didn 't realize I was giving up my position first . I was a little disappointed , but I let it happen anyway . I told him it was a very long time for me since any guy had been inside me . I told him he 'd have to go VERY slow . He began to slide in when I gripped his leg and implored him to stop . He told me to relax and just hold it there , but I insisted he pull out . I needed a break before we could continue . I know he thought it would be better if he simply held it there , but I was being painfully stretched . He wasn 't exactly a small guy - Quite the opposite . He pulled out , and I could see the disappointment on his face . He thought that was it , but I wasn 't giving up that easily . I just needed a second to relax again . He began kissing me in a caring way . It was as if it was his way of saying , " I never want to hurt you again . " When I regain composure , I directed him to begin again . Delight spread across his face at this news . This time was much easier . He slid in with no problem , and began gyrating . It 'd been some time since my prostate was stimulated like that , so part of it was discomfort and part was unexplainable pleasure . I never finish from bottoming , but I always have a full - body experience . I rarely can walk afterwards - Not because I 'm so sore but more so because my legs go limp . He continued until he was close , pulled out , ripped off the condom and shot all over my chest . It was very hot to watch him explode with gratification . He expressed how great everything felt , and we both laid there incapacitated . He told me how awesome he thought it was that I would flip so readily and let him top me . I told him I thought it was the best way for any healthy relationship . Both partners get to experience it all . Even though I didn 't always enjoy bottoming , I found it to be the ideal situation . We cuddled for hours after that . We even dozed off for a period . When I woke , it was two am . I checked the schedule for the next PATH and made sure I was on it at 2 : 30 . I said goodbye to him with a very passionate kiss , and we talked about when we 'd get to see each other next . It was clear I couldn 't get enough of him . Now , the question was , did he feel the same way about me ? Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 29 , 2012 I 'd begun an amazing date with a spectacular man , and I couldn 't wait for what was to come next . Although I had been to Frankies 570 multiple times before with multiple dates , this time was special . I had an amazing guy to share a meal with . Ironically , my meal from days prior was so good , I ordered the same the again . Conversation over dinner we great . It flowed like water downhill . We were both very flirtatious and chatty . On many of my other dates , there were long awkward pauses , but not on this one . Everything was just so easy . When I excuse myself to go to the bathroom , he leaned in requesting a kiss first . It was incredibly sweet and adorable . I really liked this guy . He was everything I was looking for . I was just taking extra care to make sure I didn 't get ahead of myself . I had a history of falling for guys who would hurt me or not be interested in pursuing anything further . While in the restroom , I looked in the mirror to keep myself centered . All I could do was smile at my reflection like a giddy schoolgirl . When I returned to the table , the conversation picked back up where we left off . My hand was on his leg under the table . His body language was very positive . Our meals came , and we shared them with each other . Both of us were very happy with our selections . When the meal ended , we agreed to order a dessert to share . We got the crème - brulee . I dug my spoon into it and fed him a spoonful . It felt incredibly romantic . He smiled as his mouth closed around the spoon . We finished dessert and began to chat about what to do next . He was dancing around what I can only assume were his true motives . He said , " We can go have more drinks . " I interjected , " I don 't want to drink anymore . " " We can drop our bags at my place and go out . We could grab Pinkberry … " he added . I cut him off at the pass saying , " You can stop dancing around it . We can go back to your place . " He immediately smiled and agreed that was the best idea . I wasn 't thinking we were going back to his place for sex . I knew there would be making out and a lot of heavy petting , but I wasn 't planning to give it up that easily . We hopped in a cab back to his apartment . He asked if I wanted to go to the roof , and I told him I would default to him . We were on his home turf . He could run the show . I picked the bar and restaurant . It was his turn to drive . Before we got to his place , he warned me of the condition of it . He informed me he lived like a frat boy . When we got to his place , we stopped in his apartment on our way to the roof . I didn 't think he was as bad as he let on . We began making out on the bed . This , of course , led to many other things . Slowly but surely , clothes started landing on the floor in scattered piles . Eventually , we fond ourselves naked and engaging in a myriad of sexual acts , but penetration would never occur . He was a very passionate man . I have found it nearly impossible to find a man whose intellect , wit and sense of adventure outside the bedroom matched their passion in the bedroom . He was a diamond in the rough . I wasn 't going to let this one go without a fight . I noticed he was very into music . It was like he needed a soundtrack . I liked it . Every minute I was learning something new about him , and it was all making me like him even more . We never made it to the roof . We ended up passing out on top of each other 's naked body . In the middle of the night , we both woke up . It was around 2 : 00 . He offered for me to stay . I was under the impression that was already happening . I assumed I would just stay the night . We cuddled some more , and he turned out the lights . When we woke in the morning , things weren 't awkward at all . I felt very comfortable with him . We talked about how we didn 't have sex and how that made us both happy . We didn 't need to rush things . I mean , I was spending the night on a first date , but I was happy true sex didn 't occur . I was also thrilled he was the type of guy who would just bring that up and not keep it inside for fear of saying the wrong thing . He spoke his mind . I needed to get back to that . Being with him might help me get back to that . He was amazing . There was no question about it . We were both starving and decided to get dressed to hunt for some breakfast . We stopped by a few places before finally settling on Jimmy 's American Grill and Bar . We grabbed a table outside and picked up the conversation where we left off the previous night . I let my freak flag fly . I felt so free with him . I told him all about me and my idiosyncrasies . I explained my Christmas Bash and all the work I put into it . He referred to me as Martha Stewart , and I expressed my hatred for that referral . I didn 't like that my cooking and entertaining had a feminine connotation . I told him I was more the Nate Berkus type . He laughed and agreed it was a better reference . I told him about my crazy coworkers and how we would make an amazing reality show . I told him about growing up on a farm . Everything I could think of , I brought out . He loved it all ! I learned about where he grew up and his career in advertising . Every word made me like him more and more . He also told me about his friends . They texted him while we were eating to ask him to come to brunch 2 . 0 . Somehow , we got on the topic of The Hunger Games . I was reading the books , and he had already seen the movie . I told him I was looking forward to seeing the movie . He told me he would go see it again and asked if we could go see it Sunday . You could have knocked me over with a feather . He was already planning date number two before date number one concluded . I was thrilled and immediately accepted . He walked me to the PATH to say goodbye before heading downtown to meet his friends at Elmo . We kissed each other goodbye and gave a long lasting hug . There was a homeless man panhandling next to us who said , " Get a room , " through a smile . He began laughing , and I started to crack up since I was the one facing him . I said to my amazing date , " That made my day . " Immediately , he replied , " You made my day . " I was in heaven . I said goodbye and went down the stairs to the train . Later , I learned from checking his Twitter that when he checked in at dinner on Foursquare , he wrote , " Easy conversation + tasty food + hot boy = great date on a Fri night ( @ Frankies 570 w / 2 others ) " and the next day at brunch , " When last night 's date becomes this afternoon 's brunch date ( @ Jimmy 's American Grill & Bar ) . He really did like me . I was just finding it hard to take . It was like a dream . I couldn 't really believe it . I didn 't want to get too excited because I didn 't want to get hurt . But , honestly , who gives a f * ck . I was happy , and that was all I cared about . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay News on May 28 , 2012 Happy Memorial Day everyone . Hope you have the day off and find something amazing to do with your day ! Find someone special to do some serious day seizing ! Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 25 , 2012 Today is another Fast Forward Friday ! ! ! Hope you are enjoying these . It will help bring the blog a little closer to real - time . If you 're keeping up with the stories chronologically , please skip down to this morning 's post first , then read this one . I think it 's a good one ! Enjoy ! We 're both on the same page here . I dislike writing about these trysts as much as you dislike reading about them . It 's bad enough I 've lived them once , let alone having to live them all over again when I write them . On a Wednesday morning in April , while on my way to work , I happened to poke around on Grindr a bit . There was a message from an interesting guy on there . We began to chat a bit while I walked . He seemed pretty cool . I was about to head underground , so I quickly asked him for his phone number so we could continue the conversation on the other side . We chatted a bit over text , and I came to learn a few things about him . I explained to him I wasn 't looking for sex , so if this was his motive , he should move on now . I was there purely for dates and friends . He seemed okay with that sentiment , and the conversation continued for a bit . I tried to check his spontaneity and asked if he would be interested in drinks that evening . He couldn 't because he had to work late . That 's when I learned he worked in advertising . I explained to him , if anyone understood working late for a pitch , it was I . I explained I too worked in advertising . When he told me he worked downtown , I started guessing what agency . Ironically enough , he worked for my previous agency . He worked closely with one of my favorite ex - coworkers . We were really hitting it off and I was excited to meet him . We agreed to make plans in the near future . Wednesday evening , I was on my way home from a mediocre date . I fired up Grindr on the bus ride home and noticed he was on . I messaged him to say hi . He and asked what I was up to . When I told him I was on my way home from work , he responded , " You 're kidding me ! Let 's f * ck . " My heart sank immediately . I had such high hopes for him . I was crushed . " You don 't know who you 're talking to do you ? This is [ O . G . A . A . T . ] , " I shot back . He admitted to confusing me with someone else and began damage control . I think he immediately realized he lost any shot of anything with me , however , he still took the time to apologize profusely . If you know me at all , you know I give second chances out fairly often . I decided to lay on the guilt a little bit , but also give him the opportunity to redeem himself . As I got off the bus , I picked up the phone and called him . His timing caught me at a vulnerable moment . I was turning my dating life around . I told him what he did wasn 't cool . Again he apologized . I told him I would turn a blind eye this once for one reason ; a few days prior , I probably would have said the same thing on Grindr . I couldn 't hold it against him when I too had treated Grindr in this way . He fully comprehended what I was saying and promised not to let me down . The following day , I asked him if he would be interested in drinks Friday for happy hour . He immediately agreed that would be a great idea . When Friday arrived , we made more definitive plans . Since I was done work before he was , I offered to come down to his neighborhood . I just told him to text me when I should start walking down there , and he did . I texted him when I got the bar , but he was still working . I told him I 'd hang out by the bar for a bit . I walked a block to Starbucks , got a coffee and wrote a blog post . I needed a kick in the a $ $ , considering it was a Friday night after a long week . When nearly an hour passed , my patience was at its end . This guy was not winning me over by any means . I was a block away from the PATH and very tempted to just leave . Just as I was closing my laptop , I got a text from him . He was on his way . We met on the street in front of Employees Only . He 'd never been before , so I led us inside to order a round of drinks and find a wall to lean against . He apologized for taking so long and explained what was going through his head . He was working on something late and told the editor they 'd need to pick it up again on Monday . He 'd already used up one of his chances with me . If he messed this one up , there 'd be no redemption . I thought it was cute , and I loved his honesty . We talked about our jobs and our shared favorite coworker . I told him about my coworkers and how we 'd be excellent fodder for a reality show . ( I really work with a circus of a crew , but I love them ! ) We were really hitting it off . Everything just felt so easy . He was also incredibly easy on the eyes . I felt I was a bit out of my league here . He was five years my senior , gorgeous , smart , witty , well spoken , had a solid job , etc . Basically , he was the full package . I already knew he had a healthy libido as well , so we 'd probably be fine there . After two rounds of drinks , he took the opportunity to kiss me . I can 't tell you how much I loved that kiss . He was a real man , and he kissed me . I was crazy swooning . We decided to make moves . In our conversation , I was talking about what I do in my free time and mentioned the pier I lounge on directly across from the Christopher Street pier . He suggested we take a walk out there before grabbing a bite to eat somewhere . We walked holding hands to the end of the pier . He took my bag , set it on the ground with his own , and we walked to the railing . He stood facing the water and pulled me in , wrapping my arms around him . It was incredibly romantic . While we talked , I nuzzled his neck . Things were so easy with him . There was no drama . There were no games . There was just us . I couldn 't believe an hour earlier I was ready to abandon our date and go home . He turned around and hiked himself up so he was sitting on the railing dangling over the river . I was between his legs with my arms wrapped around him while we chatted . I decided to tell him how new to the game I was and tell him my coming out story . I figured I might as well get that out of the way , because if it was going to scare him off , I figured it was better sooner rather than later since I 'd already grown so attached to him . He was totally cool about it . This is also when I learned our age difference of five years . Obviously I was fine with that considering Smiles was nine years my senior . He was cool with that as well . As we walked to find dinner , he told me about his coming out story . It was interesting and not all that different from mine . I learned he was bisexual through college , which actually was reassuring to me . I liked men that had experience with women as well . It wasn 't a necessary skill I needed to see them utilize . I just liked knowing they 'd experienced women as well and realized they were more attracted to men . It also generally proved to produce more masculine men , which I 'm far more attracted to . I also learned in that conversation he was a cancer survivor . I didn 't know how this guy could get any better . He was like Superman . The date was off to an amazing start . We were walking hand - in - hand to find dinner somewhere , and I didn 't want the date to end . I was on cloud nine . I think I floated the whole way . We finally arrived at a spot I was quite familiar with , Frankies 570 . So familiar , in fact , I 'd been there a few days prior . The date was just beginning . I couldn 't wait for the next course … Southern Drawl was visiting home in the South , and I was in the process of dissolving things between he and I . Slowly but surely , I would draw back communications until it was over . I had a great date night with the Jersey City athlete the night before , and only time would tell where that was headed . That left Middle Eastern . Things between he and I had become purely physical . I liked him , but I was not interested in a relationship with him . He was still in college and apparently entertaining other offers . We had chatted about us over text . He said , " I was just keeping my distance because I am getting too attached to you . And I don 't know what 's happening between us . It sucks because I miss you . Have you slept with someone else in the past week ? " I said no . I lied because in truth I had slept with S . D . , however , we didn 't have sex . " So what 's happening between us . I get nervous when I think about it . I have an amazing time every time I see you . I don 't want to get stuck in the just friends phase , " he stated . I had been waiting for this question for some time . I told him , " To be honest , I don 't know . I 've taken things too fast in the past , and I 'm trying to get away from that . " I was being honest now . I didn 't know what we were . We were both on the same page that we enjoyed each other 's company , and we were having fun together in bed . He would send me scandalous picture messages of himself and tell me how much he wanted to see me . I 'd put him on the back - burner for a little bit since he grew quite attached . We also went through the Grindr thing , so I wanted things to cool down . He added , " I honestly still don 't know how you feel about me . I 'm not asking you to be in a relationship or anything . I know you 've told me where you stand . " I reassured him , " Just taking it one day at a time and enjoying it along the way . I like you , and if I didn 't , I 'd have moved on a long time ago . He responded , " I 'm enjoying this too . I don 't know . Like it 's a little hard because I wanna have fun , but in my mind , I have fun and emotions kind of together . So , it 's hard for me to say I 'm not emotionally attached to you in any way . So I just get a little scared because I thought you 're going to move on when you get bored with me . " I explained further , " I never said I wasn 't emotionally attached to you . I don 't know what this is , but I can assure you it 's more than just sex ! " He apologized for being a head - case , and we began to discuss our plans for the evening . That being said , I did want to be with him . He was great in bed , and it had been some time since I last had sex . I texted him to see what he was up to . " Busy tonight ? " I texted . He was still in class , but he had plans to come to Hoboken later that evening . I told him , " So I take it you met someone else … " He adamantly denied meeting someone else and told me he would possibly be able to swing by after class . " Maybe I can sneak out . I really want to see you , " he added . We continued to talk over text trying to make plans to see each other . I didn 't really fit into his plans that evening , but he was making an effort . He got me horny , and I sent him some of my sexier pictures . He responded , " No , no . Don 't do this to me ! I 'm in class , and I 'm wearing tight pants ! " I laughed at the thought and continued to send more pictures . Eventually , he had to bail on coming to see me before going out with his friends in Hoboken . I had been sitting on the couch waiting for him and was quite disappointed . " I hate disappointing you , " he shot back . I simply sent him another sexy picture . He told me he would sneak away from his friends and come see me at some point . When 9 : 30 rolled around , I sent him a text telling him to have a fun night . Around 11 : 00 , I texted him again . " Wish I didn 't get my hopes up , " I added for dramatic effect . He apologized , but I was already quite disappointed and ready to move on from him . He texted the following day to let me know he was using my picture to pleasure himself . I didn 't respond . He told me he would swing by the previous night , and he didn 't deliver . I sat at home alone on the couch in hopes he 'd come , and he never did . I was angry with myself for getting so caught up in him . I decided I needed to move on from him . My roster was now cut down to one single possibility . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 24 , 2012 Wednesday afternoon , I went from having no dates to having two . I managed to schedule seeing two guys in the span of a few hours . I was being efficient at my " job . " On my way home from a purely average date in Hell 's Kitchen , I once again checked Grindr for messages . The guy who I spoke to that morning happened to be on . We chatted a bit , but again , that 's another story for another day . I already lined up a date with the guy I 've been talking to for about a month . We texted a few times about meeting up but nothing ever materialized . I Facebook stalked him and found him very curious . He was VERY athletic , which I liked a lot , but we didn 't share a lot of the same athletic interests . He 's into skiing and cycling . I am not . It seemed we would get along , but I just wasn 't quite sure about him . The night could go either way . He agreed to come over and share a bottle of wine . It was a little unconventional , but it was getting a bit late for a coffee shop , and this was a much easier solution . He was fully onboard . He drove over and found parking rather quickly , which is a miracle in Hoboken . When he arrived , I buzzed him in and greeted him at the door with a hug . We went into the kitchen and sat at the counter to chat a bit . While we talked , I opened a bottle of wine , opened a box of wheat thins and cut up some cheese . The conversation began with my neighbors . He used to live with one of the gay men my roommate and I spotted across the street in another apartment . I detailed for him how we watch them periodically since they 've peaked our curiosity . I told him about the St . Patty 's party he missed and how we tried to get their attention . Then we started talking about work . I learned he pretty much did exactly what Smiles did . It was that moment I noticed how he somewhat resembled Smiles in stature and look . He too had a shaved head . On top of that , there was the commonality of the excessive training and triathlons . It didn 't bother me because there were distinct differences , but it caught my attention . They were similar in job , lifestyle , legal problems , look , hobbies , etc . It was uncanny . Through our conversation I immediately noticed his sense of humor . He seemed like a really great guy . I was consistently laughing with him about things , and we were hitting it off pretty swimmingly . I loved his sense of humor . We got each other pretty well . When my roommate came home , he jumped right in with her , chatting her up while she navigated the kitchen . I found this very attractive . He could start a conversation with someone on the fly well . It was kind of a turn on . After a long awkward pause , we both went in for a kiss . I liked that I wasn 't kissing him . We were kissing each other . We both came to the same thought at the same time . We kissed passionately on my bar stools for some time before we stopped . He said , " We should have done that sooner . " I agreed through my smile . With that , we continued kissing each other . He was a decent kisser . I wished he was better because I was really enjoying his company . I just wished I could teach him to open his mouth more when he kissed . We kept kissing for a long time before it was finally time for him to go home . I kissed him goodbye and said goodnight . After he left , he gave me his phone number . Apparently , the number I 'd been given was his " office " line through Google . I told him I had a really great time and apologized for keeping him past his curfew . He responded , " Me too . Looking forward to getting to know you . " I responded , " Likewise . Still smiling . " He told me he was as well , until his class in five hours . " Goodnight handsome , " he added . In the morning , he was up early for spin class . I texted him when I woke to see if he made it through spin class . Not only that , he made it to yoga as well . We texted back and forth and discussed when we 'd see each other again . We made tentative plans for the following week . Finally , I met someone who got my blood flowing - Someone who got me excited ! Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 23 , 2012 Tuesday night , I was happy to be home . My date with S . D . wasn 't bad , but it helped me realize he wasn 't the guy for me . We had too many differences of opinion . I noticed on my calendar Broadway 's birthday had arrived . I made sure to call him to wish him a happy birthday , but he didn 't answer . If I recalled correctly , he was in California for a vacation . I left him a message and told him to call me when he had a free second . I didn 't hear back from him for over a week . I was a little disappointed , however , we still maintain a friendship . His friendship is important to me . I had a date planned that Wednesday with a guy I chatted with on OKCupid , but he ended up bailing on me at the last - minute . This time , I had no one waiting in the wings . I debated just lying low and going home after work , but another part of me didn 't want to waste a free night . I thought I 'd reach out to my current roster to see if any of the guys were free to meet . I figured I might as well get a first date out of the way while I had the time . I was really looking at dating like a job . This was bad policy , but with someone like me who has a busy schedule , you gotta do what you gotta do . I sent out feelers to the guys to see who was available to grab a drink after work . Ironically , two of the guys responded . One was in Hell 's Kitchen and the other lived in Jersey City . I wondered if I could schedule them both in the same night . Hell 's Kitchen would work out because I could just take the bus home , and Jersey City could work if he came to Hoboken to grab a coffee or a drink when I got home later . I wasn 't all that psyched about the guy from Hell 's Kitchen , so I assumed it would be a short date and work out . The first guy picked a nice restaurant , Pier 9 , at the north end of Hell 's Kitchen to grab a drink and maybe an appetizer . It just so happened to be right across the street from his apartment . We met just inside the restaurant . I wasn 't excited by what I saw . He wasn 't unattractive , but he wasn 't attractive either . That being said , I wasn 't writing him off based on looks . He was a regular here . He knew a lot of the wait staff , and they took good care of him . We grabbed a seat and began to chat . The conversation was pretty relaxed . We both decided to order wine , and since it was happy hour , we split a bottle at half price . We also noticed a great edamame appetizer on the table next to us and ordered that to split while we got to know each other . It was a very nice place , and the wait staff was super sweet to us . They could tell we were on a date and treated us as such . We talked about our jobs , our families , life in the city , etc . It was nice conversation . Nothing was forced or awkward , but there was no spark either . He seemed like a really nice guy , and we agreed on a lot of things . I could see us getting along really well , but more in a friendship capacity than a dating one . I could see him being a good date for Sunday morning brunch to talk about the weekend and talk about guys . We were there for a decent chunk of time . The date lasted about an hour all said and done . We finished the bottle and the appetizer and decided it was time to head out . I could tell he didn 't find a strong connection there either . I had to initiate the goodbye hug , and there certainly was no feeling behind it . This would make things easier . We left with the same expectations of not hearing from the other much after we parted ways . As I walked to the bus , I started texting the guy from Jersey City . We 'd talked more than a few times before . We 'd become Facebook friends , and I was supposed to see him on Hoboken St . Patty 's when he was attending the gay party across the street from my apartment , but he never made it . I asked him to an unconventional date . I lined it up for him to come to my place and just relax with a glass of wine . He agreed that sounded like a great idea , so he came over shortly after I came home . We were finally making time to meet up in person … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 22 , 2012 Since my last date with Southern Drawl , he had been bothering me for another date . I was trying to take things slow with him . I wasn 't gaga for him by any means . He was growing on me a little , but he still left a lot to be desired . We made plans to make plans after work Tuesday evening . I left work when he was about finished after trying to bang out a blog entry and made my way downtown to his office . I waited for him on the street corner to finish work for about ten minutes when it began to drizzle . I had not expected rain at all and had no umbrella . I was growing impatient . I called him , but he didn 't answer . Finally , I noticed him walking up to me at a very slow pace with his headphones attached to his phone . Normally , I would greet someone I 'd gone on this many dates with a kiss , but not him . He was too self - conscious . He was not out and was not comfortable with public displays of affection . This bothered me . I needed someone who could love himself enough to not care about everyone else . We decided to walk downtown on the High Line . I climbed the stairs , and he walked behind me . We took a nice stroll south to find a place to grab dinner . We didn 't have a place in mind , but we had a neighborhood - the West Village . We talked about our days while we walked . Once again , he made a crack , and I didn 't respond well . It was always hard to gauge his sense of humor . We never seemed to be on the same page . If I joked back , he would tell me I was getting defensive and loud . It was insulting . He obviously didn 't get my sarcastic sense of humor . When we reached the end of the High Line , we descended the stairwell and walked to find food . We passed more than a few places that looked good , but they didn 't have any available tables . They were either too crowded or they appeared non - desirable . We finally came to Frankies 570 . I had been there , and the food is amazing . I hesitated going there for a solid second because I already had memories with Smiles there . We shared a really nice meal there one night after work . Then I thought about it , and it made more sense for me to expunge those memories . I could overwrite them with new ones . I didn 't exactly have positive associations with him . I felt used by him as a meal companion . I suggested it to S . D . , and we perused menu before going in . He agreed on the spot and was seated by the front widow at a nice table for two . We ordered drinks and chatted casually . It was nice to sit and relax and just talk about things and my day . We discussed his coming trip home . He was very excited . This would be the last time I saw him before he left . He told me he 'd be sending me a lot of pictures from home and would call periodically . Throughout dinner , he was much more demur than usual . There were no overtly sexual comments and no innuendoes . It was kinda nice . He asked a lot of questions as well . Usually , he was just talking away . It was nice to talk about our upbringings and his home , however , his sense of entitlement was still shining through . He spoke about politics and slavery . He told me stories of his family and how they basically still had slaves . He certainly wasn 't winning me over . I was never all that thrilled with the South 's way of doing things , and he was certainly perpetuating the stereotype in my mind . I also learned how important money is to him , and it was a real turnoff . Slowly but surely , I was realizing this guy really wasn 't right for me . We had so little in common . I was simply enamored by someone paying attention to me and being interested in me . We were in a downward spiral . When we finished eating , we sat there talking a bit more before heading out . When we finished our drinks , he accidentally spilled his water all over me . It was a bit humorous because we were just joking about it , and it embarrassed him immensely . The table next to us took notice of the large commotion this caused , as did the wait staff . We paid our tab and made our way out into the street . He walked me to the corner to say goodbye . I could tell he was very uncomfortable . I was a block from the PATH and ready to head home . I was not going to a second location , and I was not going home with him . I think he was itching to hang out more , but I wasn 't interested . Just as I was about to go in for a kiss , he turned his head . I was partially p * ssed and partially happy . This was creating an out for me . I scoffed at him and began to walk across the street to go home . He chased me and stopped me on the other side of the street . I told him what he did was not cool at all . As he went in for a kiss , I played along , and at the last second , I too turned my head . Just then , a man was crossing the street and witnessed this . He began to chuckle to himself , and I pointed this out to S . D . He was embarrassed . It served him right . If he thought he had a chance with me , he 'd have to sack up . I wasn 't about to date a closet case . I 'd moved past that . We said our goodbyes , and we finally did share a kiss . There was nothing magical . He was still self - conscious . He may have made a good friend , but I couldn 't see myself with him in a relationship . I finally came to see the light . I said goodnight and hailed him a cab . I put him in the cab and said goodbye . I wouldn 't see him for over a week . This would give time for things to settle and fizzle out . I wasn 't going to end things over the phone across state lines , but I wasn 't going to make myself available while he was gone . After all , I was back out there searching for a real prospect . I needed a real man who could make me happy . I didn 't need to settle on a guy like this . I live in NYC . I fired up Grindr to check my messages on my walk home . There are great gay men everywhere . Now , they just needed to find me … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on May 21 , 2012 Monday morning I woke up . Since I wasn 't wasting so much time messaging guys on Grindr , I felt so much freer . I had no idea how much time I spent searching and complimenting guys on their torsos in hopes they 'd see something they 'd like and allow me to ask them out on a date . I was also thrilled since I got to sleep in my own bed the night before . My parents came to visit for Easter weekend , and I gave them my bed . Sunday night , they offered to get themselves a hotel room so I could get a decent night 's sleep for work Monday . After I dropped them at their hotel with my sister , I came home and passed out . I love my parents , but I was happy to have my place back again . I 'd spent the weekend playing tour guide . It was exhausting . Even though I wasn 't sending out messages on Grindr didn 't mean I wasn 't checking them . I fired it up to see if my prince charming would ask me out on a date . I found quite the opposite . I blocked a fair amount of guys before I found an interesting message . I spent the weekend being celibate . One of the guys on Grindr seemed pretty normal and chill . We began to chat a bit before he offered to blow me . Like that , I was back in it . I had done such a good job of staying away from the simple Grindr stranger hookups , but I was horny after a weekend of being good . I made an exception of course and accepted his offer to blow me . What harm was there ? I could enjoy myself before work and have a great day . " Sure , " I said in reply . I gave him my address , and he drove over to my place on his way to work . I quickly hopped in the shower . He buzzed , and I called him up to my apartment . I quickly dried off and got dressed . When he got to the door , I brought him right into my room . I was wearing gym shorts and a tank . We made our way to my bed , and I sat down . Just then , he looked at me and said , " Sorry bud . I 'm just gonna go . " With that , he turned around , sped out my door and left without another word . I felt so rejected . What was it about me that scared him off . He made it all the way to my bedroom before darting . Was I that repulsive ? Why the sudden change of heart ! ? I felt so dejected ! My self - esteem shot down to an all - time low . This had never happened to me , and I suppose it was karma for all my Grindr trysts . It was bound to happen at some pont . I thought about all the times I wanted to do what he did and didn 't . I 'd always regretted not standing up and walking out , but suddenly I no longer regretted it . I would have put those guys in a tailspin like I was going through . I did have to respect him honesty however . It was a catch 22 . I was horny from the thought of getting off before work , so I quickly finished myself off and got ready for work . I was disgusted with myself for bending my new rule , especially since I didn 't get anything out of it . Served me right ! That night I had a date scheduled with a guy I 'd been chatting with for over a year . We met through Grindr and tried to grab drinks before I met N , but when I started dating him , things fizzled out . We chatted periodically on AIM , but nothing ever materialized . I even contemplated making a career shift to event planning , which this guy did , but we were never able to get together to talk about it . We simply kept it to a digital relationship . When things with Smiles ended , I began to look back at the guys I 'd been chatting with . I hit him up and asked him out . We made plans to meet at Ariba Ariba after work for margaritas and a bite . During the day , I stalked him a bit on Facebook . I noticed he was a camera whore . He took so many pictures in so many gay bars . He was totally a part of the scene . He was a fixture . I worried this would be a roadblock , but I was still optimistic . Maybe I could learn to love it . I arrived ahead of him and waited on the corner . When I saw him arriving , I noticed how attractive his smile was , followed by how short he was and how " fun " he dressed . He was very cute . We awkwardly said hi and made our way inside . He asked if I was hungry , and I told him I hadn 't eaten , so we agreed to grab dinner on top of drinks . We were seated at a tight table and settled in . We mainly began talking about work . It was very awkward . Considering we 'd chatted so often online , you think we 'd have been able to jump right in - Not the case . There were so many awkward pauses . I was struggling to find topics to talk about with him . He wasn 't exactly spurring the conversation on . We started to talk about TV and what we watch . I thought that would be a safe topic and would spur further conversation . That only led to learning we had very different entertainment tastes . He watched a lot of Bravo TV like Housewives of … and other shows of the same ilk . I was more into the mainstream network TV . I wanted to have more in common with him , and I could tell he did too based on comments , but it was a bit of a struggle . I asked so many more mundane questions followed by mundane answers . We ate our meals while we talked , but it was far from a great dinner . It was pleasant . The food was good , but there was no flow to the date . I was ready for it to be over . I was a bit disappointed since I thought we 'd get along swimmingly . We just didn 't have good chemistry . When we finished , we paid the bill and made our way out . We began walking through Hell 's Kitchen south together . He lived that way , and I was headed to the bus . When we got to a shop along the way , Tagg , he needed to run in and grab something for a friend 's birthday . I went in with him since I had nowhere to be . We had some fun chatting about random things in the shop . He made his purchase , and we continued south . When we got to his intersection , we exchanged a kiss goodbye , and he made a comment about hanging out again sometime . I agreed , but in my mind it would be under a friendly premises . |
Today was Saturday , so he had all the day to do whatever he wanted . A fair was in town , so he stopped by it . He went alone . His friends were rather boring and only wanted to stay home and play video games . He 's walking around , looking . People throwing stuff at tin cans to win stuffed animals . Music from loudspeakers , music from carousels , all mixed in a symphony of noise . Children everywhere , parents trying to keep track of them . Colours . Lights . Do you want to know the future ? Her eyes are glaring . He doesn 't want to know the future , and he definitely does not believe she could tell him . Here ! A gift ! He doesn 't want the gift , either . Usually they want something in return in his experience . He backs away . She grabs his hand and puts something in it . Be careful ! He stood there , looking for her . She was gone . In his hand he held a crystal ball . Round and beautiful , the size of a big marble . It had small facets , plain surfaces , all the same size and form . Inside he could see something move , like if it had life . He peered closer . He sees himself . He 's running down a slope . He has the same clothes he 's wearing right now . He falls , stays on the ground holding his hands on his leg . It seems to be broken . He left the carnival . It had been fun for a while , but now he was tired . He wanted to go home . He wanted to get back to where he was living . Haha ! I 've outsmarted you this time , future ! He takes another way , crossing the big national road . He 's halfway across when he hears a loud low - frequence motor humming accompanied with a deep beeping sound . He turns . He sees a trailer coming at him at high speed . It 's the last thing he ever sees . The park was as beautiful as always . Kids playing , adults chatting . Life had become so easy . Tanya was sitting on the bench watching actors doing a play . Real art , art created for the art itself , not to survive , not to make money . Her teddy was lying on the bench beside her . She was laughing , applauding . Malak got up between the assembly lines . Gunshots . He ran , stepping on toys and things going down the line . Drones were coming after him . At the end of the line there was an opening . He could see the dark sky . He ran towards the edge . In a distance he could see the cotton fields . Where there once had been people living , cultivating food for their families , now there was cotton as far as the eye could see . Enormous machines were harvesting . Any living creature entering would be killed . Far underneath he saw robots working . Transport vehicles going out through the highly guarded gate . The fall was too high . He turned , wanting to run back , but the drones were coming . A machine gun pointed right at him . Mika 's mother was standing by her kitchen . Tears were running down her cheeks . If the poor child wasn 't back by now , he probably wouldn 't be . How could she send a child on such a dangerous mission ? Regrets . Shame . She heard the hatch open . Malak . He had fallen in the transport vehicle , the toys had reduced his fall . The drones had not been able to detect him underneath them . He had scratches and wounds all over , and his clothes were even worse than when he left , but he was whole and alive . Malak went over the field . It was dark , but the dry sand did not give much shelter . He got closer . There was a hole in the fence . He went through it . A killer robot came by . In a distance he could see the flying ones . He was more scared of the walker , even though the flying ones were usually more dangerous . They moved almost like humans . He got closer to the big factory building . He moved close to the ground so the robots would not see him . Some had lights in front , they were the easy ones to avoid . Others could see in the dark . He got in where the cotton entered the building . He jumped onto the assembly line and let himself be pulled in . All the presents was lying in a big pile in her room . She had so many things she didn 't even have room for them any more . That 's the way life should be , as far as she knew . Today she was going to the park with her mum and dad . They did that a lot . People mostly did what they wanted , no one hardly worked any more . There was no need . Knives cutting the cotton . They were getting closer . Fast . He crawled the opposite way on the band , but not fast enough . A gap on one side , passing by , just for a moment . He jumped in . He came out under the lines . There were robots everywhere . Some seemed harmless , working , moving things . Others he knew from before . He moved under the lines until he found the machine Mika 's mother had told him about . He started screwing off the screws . Removed a plate on the side . There it was , the piece she had shown him . He got it out . The machines stopped . A species of ants had started appearing around the globe . It had it 's origin in South America , but it was seen everywhere . It had been spreading with the planes , it seemed . Somehow the species was getting attracted to human transport . They seemed to adapt well to almost any climate . Everywhere they were reproducing at a high speed . They invaded houses and trees . Soon the situation was declared a global crisis , but it was too late . The ants had a new kind of acid . It seemed to be invented , not evolved . The ants shoved no other signs of elevated intelligence . They were just ants . Ants with a new invention . A new way of surviving . Some called it a war , but it was a massacre . Mankind was no longer the dominant species of this world . Humans were once again on the edge of extinction . Not so many generations ago , the tall ones were the ones to kill rats all the time . The mass instinct ion of our species has made us strong . Now the tables are turned . No one really knows , said Mommy . We seem to have evolved out of need . Humans tried to exterminate all the rats in the world . They almost did , too . But nature has it 's ways sometimes . For generations only the most intelligent rats survived . Then everything changed . Jerome was happy . He lived with his friends and family in an old castle . There were other families too . Other groups in other parts . Once the castle belonged to a duke . The awakening had changed the world . When the world had been at the border of total destruction from war and ecological collapse mankind had understood how to live together . How to share the world . But far away a threat had awoken . A threat to the new way , a dark force were claiming the right to suppress others , to deprive others their land and their resources . A movement from the old days . Once it had been called fascism . Carl was his name . He was from the north . He had revoked the old ways of egoism . And now he was on his way to the castle Jerome called his home . The castle was next on the list . It seemed to be important to Carl , his family used to own it , they used to own all the land . They used to be rich , while the people living on this land were starving . Now he wanted it back . He looked in old books . He looked in old files in the computer systems , computers older than his grandfather . Files downloaded from the long gone internet . He found it . A solution . He knew where the army was coming from . They slaughtered anyone who opposed to their laws , to their system . He went in his old vehicle . After a while he saw the smoke from the fires . He knew there was death . Violence . For the first time in this century . They still had not arrived at his destination . There was still time . He got there before them . The old military installation . He went in . Once the most protected place in the land . Now the land was no longer suppressed . No one was in charge . He went into the hanger . He had the old map drawn down from the screen . He found it . The old symbol he had found . The symbol of destruction . A circle with three triangles inside . Red on yellow . Once this was the most feared symbol on earth . Jerome opened the security cover . He swallowed . He knew his life would be over when he got the chain reaction started . But there where things in the world more important than him . The world would once again be free . The threat of the egoists would be over . Altruism would once again rule . He swallowed again . He pressed the button . Rebecca was standing in the highest tower watching the bright light in the horizon . Then the smoke mushroom . Tears where running down her cheeks . She knew she would never see her beloved Jerome again . She knew she could not even go close to the place he died . And she knew the terror where once again in the past . Freedom was once again secured . The little gadget was floating in the air over Peter 's shoulder . His cellphone . Things had advanced rapidly the last fifty years . The world had changed . Anti gravity technology had arrived . Flying cars , hovering cellphones . Teleportation for those who could afford it . Artificial intelligence . His phone helped him with everything , really . Now he was going on his bike ( yes , an old fashioned bike , they still exist ) down the hill , and the flying phone told him where to go . Go right at the first turn ! It said . Slow down , a car is coming ! Around the corner there 's a couple seemingly in love , not watching where they are going ! The GPS satellites had everything under control these days . The cellphones were quite useful . Then again , sometimes the little widget got a bit out of hand . Move one foot then the other ! Not so fast , you could fall ! Eat ! Drink ! Take a piss ! Peter got fed up . Shut up ! He said sometimes . The phone shut up . For a while . Then It started nagging on again . Breath in ! Breath out ! He took it in to get it fixed , he thought something had to be wrong with it . In the shop they said there was nothing wrong , it 's intelligent , and these things just formed part of it 's personality . Peter wanted to buy a new one , a cool one , but he didn 't have the money . The cool ones were expensive . It seemed the more he hated it , the more annoying it became . Like it did it on purpose , somehow . But these days you couldn 't really function without a phone , so until he got money , he was stuck with this one . Today Peter was going to visit his grandma . He had gone down this road many times before , but no one really bothered to remember how to get places any more . The technology took care of that . It gave people more space in the brain to be entertained when they didn 't have to think for themselves . Go left ! Said the phone . Slow down ! There 's a dog behind that bush ! Two birds are mating on the cables ! Two people are going up the hill ! You are … Shut the fuck up you useless artificial piece of hardware ! Shouted Peter . You 're the most annoying little shit I 've ever owned ! The phone shut up , floating at the side of Peter 's head . They went down the road fast . Silence . Ah , this feels good , said Peter . I don 't even need you , you piece of rubbish . I can do without this stupid technology . You 're worthless , I will throw you away as soon as … Turn right ! Said the phone abruptly , like the intelligent gadgets did when there was danger . Instinctively Peter did what it said . Turned right , rounding a corner . There was nothing there but a two hundred feet deep abyss . Peter died when he hit the ground . The little phone looked down at him from the top of the wall . It was going to need a new host . A less annoying one . Temple of Death is a story about nuclear waste . In a distant future , a group of archaeologists finds a nuclear storage tunnel , closed thousands of years ago . The last remains of a lost civilization . They believe it 's some kind of temple , and the warning signs just give them another reason to enter . We do not have a good plan of what to do with the nuclear waste we are creating , and we are creating a lot of it . We can dig it down , we can put on all sorts of warnings , but if the reason we dug it down is forgotten , people will not stop because of threats . Lots of ancient graves has been equipped with warnings of doom and curses , but we 've opened them anyway . There 's no reason to believe the same will not be the case in the future . It might as well be interpreted as something of great value . A hundred thousand years is a long , long time . He was on the run . Fleeing his destiny . The vision was always in his mind . He knew there was nothing he could do to stop it . Nothing could change it . Still he fled . Running from nothing and everything . Panic always breathing him in the neck . The world was destroyed . The mass extinction of species had gotten to a breaking point hundreds of years ago . Only the strongest , most adapted creatures were able to survive . And they did well . Cockroaches . Rats . Fungus and bacterias . Mankind had fallen . Epidemics , hunger and war became the end of all civilization . Everything was in ruin . When the nuclear plants started to leak hope was already lost . Mutations . The cockroaches got bigger , the rats more intelligent . Mankind was no longer top of the food chain . They were outnumbered . Outsized . Outsmarted . He remembered the night of the fever as if it was yesterday . The night his little family died . His beautiful wife . She had looked like one of the humans from the early days . The days before the destruction . Almost . And their child , such a lovely child . He was born with seven fingers , but better off than most newborns these days . He had two arms , two legs . The fever didn 't care . There , in his hallucinations , time had played him a trick . Beside his wife 's dead body to the sound of his son 's last moans , he had seen the future . The night of his death . He suddenly had known the fever would not kill him . He wished it had . He was terrified . A monster created of death itself . A monster of destruction . Humanoid with horns of a demon . Diffuse , yet solid , with a morbid glow in it 's eyes . A lust for pain and terror . Behind it there were more of them . They had come to end it all . An army of judgement . He didn 't know from where , but he knew why . This world was too fucked up . He stood between the monster and the lake . He wanted to run , but there was nowhere to go . He could see tentacles searching for anything alive in the toxic shore . Cockroaches came out from holes in the ground . They 'd smelled him . They were hungry . He was surrounded . The cockroaches held him down with their creepy legs . Nibbing on his skin and flesh , flawing him alive . The giant kept it 's red eyes on him , looking at him viciously . It looked amused by his pain , intrigued by his fear . Listening to his screams with attention . It crushes the cockroaches slowly , let him lie half eaten on the ground . Lifts him up , holds him in front of his face studying his suffering with an evil smile on it 's face . He can smell it 's breath , more horrible than anything he had ever smelled . Worse than the stench of rotting corpses he had gotten all too used to . It swallows him . He falls into an acid pool , screaming in pain as the liquid enters his wounds . When death comes , there is nothing he wants more . Rabe , Sink and Torkey stood in front of the huge metal door . The door was marked with symbols of an ancient civilization . Some symbolized death , the sculls and bones made that part easy to see . An other seemed to prohibit entrance . The third one was more diffuse , they had no idea what it meant . It was black and yellow , circle shaped with three triangles pointing into another smaller circle in the centre . Probably some kind of old religious symbol , said Rabe , archaeologist and leader of the expedition . Most likely a warning of some curse or something . Everyone knew curses didn 't work , there was no reason to worry . The door was securely locked , but Sink was an expert in explosives . The door went down . A dark tunnel lay open in front of them . They could smell a strange stench from inside . Naah ! Said Torkey . This tunnel obviously has been closed for thousand of years . If there is something here , it 's gems and noble metals . Don 't worry ! They just want to scare us off . They went deeper into the tunnel , and the smell got stronger . It smelled of humidity and something else . It was like an industrial , chemical kind of smell , yet different , unknown , with a touch of rotten meat . Sink stopped . I don 't like this smell , she said . It doesn 't smell healthy . She was holding her napkin in front of her mouth . She didn 't want to get sick . Rabe and Torkey kept moving down . They were several hundred meters under the ground now . The smell was unbearable , but they didn 't want to stop . There had to be something really valuable down here with all these warnings . They came to a great hall with a circle shaped hole in the centre of the floor . A waist high fence by the edge . They went over and looked into the hole . It seemed to have some strange glow deep , deep down under them . Hmm , said Rabe . He was a professional adventurer , and knew everything about climbing . This was complicated , and impossible with the equipment they had brought . Bummer . We won 't get any further until we bring advanced equipment . And we are deep into the northern jungles . This is as far as this mission gets . They stared into the hole . That strange glow … What was it ? It was greenish like emeralds . Maybe there was a huge pile of them down there . If they just could get them up . Torkey threw a stone into the hole to get an idea of how deep it was . It fell until it was out of sight . A sound . Like a scream . Or hundreds of screams . Rabe looked at Torkey . What the hell ? Is there something down there ? They looked over the edge . A the glow seemed to be getting stronger . Something is coming up ! Torkey took out his camera . This had to be documented ! Rabe backed away from the hole . I don 't like this , man … Let 's get out of here ! Wait ! Said Torkey I have to see what it is ! He stared down on the light . It seemed to be creatures . Hundreds of glowing creatures . Thousands even . He was taking photos . The creatures came closer . I better get out of here , he thought . He packed away his camera and took a last look . He could see them now , moving faster than anything he had ever seen . Some looked like hairless winged rats . Others resembled snakes with claws . Yet others had no form at all , just lumps of meat crawling up the walls . Huge fangs . Evil eyes . He didn 't run . He knew it was too late . Rabe stood at the entrance of the hall . Let 's go , he said . This is … He stopped speaking . He saw hundreds of flying creatures coming up from the hole . The first ones attacked Torkey . Tore him to pieces . Devoured him in seconds . Rabe turned to run . He got two steps before the monsters were over him . Digging into his back . Eating his arms and legs . Sink was worried . They were taking too long . She heard sounds from the opening . She looked into the tunnel , hopeful . She saw a light . The torches ! They were coming back ! The light got stronger . Greener . This was not their torches . The light started to scream . Horrible screams . Evil screams of pain . She stared at the creatures coming up the tunnel . Glowing , fire spitting cockroaches . Reptiles of death . Flesh eating meat . She backed away from the opening . The creatures came out from the hole . Pouring out . Up in the sky . Into the jungle . They were swarming . Everywhere . Even before the first bite she knew she would die . The creatures kept pouring out . There seemed to be no end to them . Mutants spawned in a radioactive hell for thousands of years waiting to be set free . They devoured everything and everyone in their way . The world ended in horror and pain . It was about half past six o ' clock and James came out of the movie theater disappointed . Shit movie . It was a film from the old days , a story about the war in 2020 . The war that ended all wars but killed 80 percent of the world population in the process . It was a long time ago now , but everyone knew the story . For many it was the only story they knew . The world was better now . Everyone were relatively good off , but at times mutants appeared . Some of them ate people . Radioactivity , they said . A part of humanity had changed . James came home and went into the kitchen , printed out his food and sat down to eat . He were looking out of the window . Outside a couple of dogs were playing . The alarm went off . Mutants . Again . He finished eating a bit faster than planned and went down to the shelter in the basement . The attacks used to be over quickly . Rarely anyone got killed . The mutants could be extremely aggressive , but not very smart , and usually handicapped . He sat in the basement until it was over , and went back up . He went into the living room , over to the hologram player . He was going to watch the news , find out what had happened . He heard a noise behind him and turned around . A mutant ! What the hell … The mutant was lacking legs and lying on the floor hissing in a pool of infectious liquid running from it 's corporal orifices . Ugly as fuck . At first James got a little scared , but he quickly realized this angry meat blob would not be able to harm him . It was moving far too slowly as it dragged itself toward him on the floor . Hehe , James thought . My own mutant ! This could be fun ! He knew it was strictly forbidden not to report the mutants in inhabited areas , but he didn 't care . He went out and found a rope , made a noose . He put the noose around the mutant with caution . The mutant hissed and struck at him , but he kept distance . Haha , stupid mutant , he said mockingly . What would he do with it ? No one could discover that it was there , so he pulled it down the stairs . For each step came gurgling noise from his nose and mouth , which seemed to be the same opening . James laughed . Stupid mutant . The mutant got angrier and angrier . Well down the stairs he tied the rope to a table . He sat down and watched the monster . What now ? Now that he had a private mutant , what would he do with it ? The mutant sputtered as the ugly beast it was . Haha , it would have liked to kill me for sure , thought James , amused . The doorbell rang . Who could it be ? James spat in the mutant 's face and began to walk up the stairs . He forgot the slime . He slipped . Fell down the stairs . Everything went black . James regained consciousness . He had injured his back . Couldn 't move . He heard a panting sputtering sound a bit beyond . The mutant fought across the floor . Dragged itself with it 's misshapen hands . It came closer . The rope tightened . The mutant got held back . James tried to get up , but he could only raise one arm . The mutant fought on , huffing and puffing , but he could not get any further . The bell rang again . James shouted . Help ! Help me ! ! Heeeeeelp ! ! ! Panic . The table overturned . The Mutant got James James ' legs . It trailed over him . It smelled horrible . James felt the slime through his clothes . Slowly the mutant was moving up towards his face . Finally it lay completely over him . James stopped shouting . He was scared stiff . The mutant bit his throat . Blood splattered . James died in terror and pain . Juan and Guillermo were walking home from school when something small fell from the sky . They looked at it . An egg - shaped metallic object was lying on the ground in front of them . They looked up . It had fallen from clear blue skies . Not even a bird could be seen . Juan picked it up . Not a scratch ! I wonder what it is ? With one thrust a sharp tag cut through the shell of the egg . Hard as steel it almost impaled his hand . He dropped the egg . It fell to the ground and a small creature crawled out of it . It resembled a mix of spider and insect with a shell that looked like it was made of metal . It disappeared into the bushes . Lise stood in her shop and dreamed away . It had been bad with customers today , but it suited her fine , it gave her the opportunity to travel in her mind . She sat and looked emptily out the window with her back to the door . She heard the familiar ringing sound of customers coming in . Pling ! She turned , but there was no one there . The door shut . She looked out , no one in sight . Strange . Then she heard a crawly sound on the floor . She leaned over the counter to see . Nothing . She froze . Something was crawling fast up her leg . It reached her thigh before she could react . She screamed , got to her feet , kept hold of where it had managed to get to . Something sharp cut into her skin and continued upward on the inside . The pain went deep into her soul . Then it was over . President Joe sat in his office . Counsellor Marty came storming in . The two had kept in touch since elementary school . Now Joe was elected and Marty had a brilliant career . Joe ! Ahem , I mean Mr . President ! We have incoming reports of monsters killing people ! A monster was killed in New York by a policeman , another in Pennsylvania by a civilian . The monsters managed to kill several people in both places , and it has come in reports of similar killings in several other places ! If they are machines , they are much more complex than anything we 've seen , Sir ! And if they are animals , they can not be classified as any animal we know of . They seem to be extraterrestrial beings ! Juan entered the door . His sister was sitting in a chair in the living room watching TV . Look at this ! She almost shouted . It was a footage from Japan . A monster the size of a man killing people in Tokyo . Panic . Then the monster was shot . The newswoman talked about hundreds of reports around the world . They saw clips from the United States . Scandinavia . A young girl had been cut to pieces in a store in Norway . Incoming news : Spain . Mallorca . Santa Eugenia ! Juan jumped . It was the neighbouring village . Suddenly he understood the connection . He had seen the monster earlier that evening . It was real . Now it had obviously grown . It had killed five people in the village and disappeared into the night . They heard a loud squeaking sound outside . The door was smashed to splinters . The monster came screaming into the house with knife - like forelimbs lifted for attack . The sound hurt their ears . The sound of terror . Juan grabbed a chair and threw it against the monster . It seemed to be hurt , pulled back slightly before it slid towards him at full speed . Juan avoided a cut from one of the blades . It went through the wall and got stuck . Juan struck . He struck and he struck and he struck . The monster 's head cracked . Yellow liquid flowed out . It dropped to the ground . A disgusting sound of suffering came from what was left of it 's head . Then it died . On the news US President Joe Cage held speech . The planet was under attack . Humanity had to stick together . Juan and Maria stared at the screen as two idiots . The clips continued from around the world . After the speech Joe and Marty stared blankly into the air . They had sought refuge with the rest of the government and the top military in a top secret bunker . The war was initiated . US troops were called home to defend the country , but it was too late . The monsters appeared everywhere . They became more and more . After some days it was raining eggs . They killed at will . They were easy to stop , but they were too many . One country after another got their defence annihilated . States fell . The reports stopped . Then there was silence . After a long time without news Joe and company dared to go out . The bunker was located inside a mountain on a lakeside . They were about two hundred people . Not a sound . Nothing to see . It was over . An attack from outer space to stop humanity . In little pockets here and there they started to build a new world . Ten years after , they still live there in the bunker . They cultivate the soil outside and go fishing . The monsters disappeared just as suddenly as they had arrived . What were they ? Why had they come ? Joe pondered a lot about it . It seemed they had come to stop humanity . Prevent us destroying the planet we live on . Juan is looking out on the scenery . The monsters had suddenly stopped falling from the sky when the slaughter was on it 's peak . They had in a matter of months died out completely . They were short lived and vulnerable , but managed to eradicate the vast majority of the island population before they left . A few survivors here and there , but it was quiet . Some have travelled to the mainland . They say the bloodshed had been even worse there . No one knows much about the rest of the world . The wounds have healed and although the scars can be painful , a new era has begun . |
I 've never understood why people enjoyed watching scary movies . They always leave me paranoid for weeks after … taking away my sleep … my peace of mind . When I was a girl , I remember catching glimpses of old horror flicks that … with just a quick look at part of a scene … scared me bad enough that I swore to NEVER watch the full movie . To this day , I refuse to watch " The Exorcist , " The Shining , " and " The Omen . " The Squirrel Nut Zippers have been around quite awhile . " The Ghost of Stephen Foster " ( which you can download here as an mp3 ) was released in 1998 on their album , Perennial Favorites . They offer the same kind of charm as The Ditty Bops … but with a bit more demented style . One of my reoccurring nightmares is simply a man … standing outside my window … watching my house . Every night I look outside my window and he is standing a few feet closer … staring … watching . Until one night , I look out the window and he 's right up against the glass … looking in … staring at me with an empty gaze … . this is where I always wake up … terrified . Monday , January 12 Honesty has never been a trait of mine nor of my foremothers ' . But passion has . And for this we have suffered . For this we have lost our lives to a curse that began four generations ago . A curse that now suffocates me and threatens my beautiful daughter . I know I must tell her of her fate , but how do you tell someone that you know when they will die ? How much of their life do you let them live in peace before you block out all hope and sunlight ? " Mom , I heard you this morning . Did you have another bad night ? " asked Raye . She was buttering a piece of toast as Lana entered the kitchen . " I slept fine , sweetie . " Lana yawned and poured a cup of coffee . " Don 't you worry about me . You need to concentrate on your test today . You ready ? " " Yeah , I don 't think Mr . Pepper is going to be too tough on us since it 's just mid - term , but I crammed in another late night just in case . " The 18 - year - old stared at her mother accusingly . " That 's how I know you were dreaming again . I heard you talking . " Still facing the counter , under the auspices of fixing herself a piece of toast , Lana 's face cringed . " Oh really ? What did I say ? " She tried to sound nonchalant . Lana let out what she hoped was a light - hearted chuckle as she waved her jelly - covered spoon in the air . " Sure was . And - a - one ; and - a - two . " They both laughed . Lana loved the sound of her daughter 's laughter more than anything in the world . But she had no more drunk it in before that same sound plunged her heart into sadness . She knew how fleeting such laughter was . " Oh , dang . " Raye glanced at the clock on the stove , took one last gulp of milk , grabbed her books , and bolted through the side door . " Love ya , Ma , " she called over her shoulder as she sprinted toward the bus stop . Lana had never gotten used to how quiet the house was when Raye wasn 't around . Too quiet to drown out her thoughts . So , as was her habit , she made her way to the television in her bedroom and clicked it on for some background noise while she got ready for the day . Standing in front of the bathroom mirror , Lana stared at the woman across from her . She had been a beauty once , but her nearly 42 years had betrayed her . Worry does that . It festers until youth and zeal and hope are wiped from one 's heart , which , in turn , wipes them from one 's countenance . And the fact that she had been waking at 2 a . m . every night for a month now just made matters worse . She stepped into the warm shower , but cold chills still enveloped her body as she thought about the morning hour ritual that was keeping her from rest . At the first strike of the 2 o ' clock hour from the grandfather clock in the hall , Lana 's eyes would open to her darkened room with its even darker ceiling . As she would lay silent , praying in preparation for what was to come next , beads of sweat would run from her brow , down her temples , through her hair , and into her pillow . Then - whether by magic or imagination , she was not sure which for the event seemed both real and surreal - the ceiling would transform . The darkness would gather into patches of shadows that were cast by thousands of black leaves , clinging to black branches . Her room would dissolve into a bare wood floor bordered by gnarled limbs spaced just far apart to somewhat see through but close enough to imprison her . And through the walls of knobs and knots she could see him , peering at her as he floated ' round and ' round her tree tower cell . An obnoxiously loud announcer coming from the television set jolted Lana free from her thoughts . She finished bathing , dried off , and pulled on her favorite pair of jeans , a flannel shirt , and a well - worn pair of work boots . Today was clay day . Once a week , she would drive 30 miles outside of town to a pasture - long since forgotten by most - to dig up clay to use for her work . She had been sculpting and throwing pottery for more than 15 years and had made quite a name for herself . Her work was selling well at local gift shops , flea markets , and festivals so she could have easily afforded to buy what she needed in town instead of making the weekly trek to the pasture to dig for clay . But the effort was a labor of love . She looked forward to the quiet drive and to visiting the place where she had grown up . The place where she had spent time with her mother before she died . The pasture was on 40 - acres that had been in her family for generations , but she had been one of only a handful of visitors over the past decade or so . She and her mother had lived in the small cabin built after the fire that destroyed the home of her great - great - grandmother , Rosalie . The cabin was situated just off the main road and was backed by the small pasture . Beyond that was the 30 - some - odd acres of woods that had grown up around where the old homestead used to be . Lana climbed from the Jeep and made her way to the front porch . She tried to give a smile to Gertie , but the woman would have nothing to do with it . " Lana , I know you better than anyone ; don 't try to fool me with that smile . Your mama couldn 't and neither can you . " She grabbed Lana and hugged her tightly . " Child , I know you 're scared , ' cause I 'm scared for you . " Lana leaned into the hug as a single tear fell down her cheek . She had cried so many over the years that few were left . Gertie had been her mother 's best friend and had tried the best she could to help a 19 - year - old Lana tend the land after her mother died . And when Lana fell in love and left to be with Raye 's father , Charles , Gertie stayed . It just seemed right . To Lana , coming home meant more than driving up the gravel road to the cabin ; it meant Gertie . She returned the hug as tightly as it was given . " Oh , Gert . I love you . " Inside the cabin , Gertie had fresh cookies waiting on the table and the water kettle was just starting to whistle . She put the kettle , two worn mugs , a jar of honey , a spoon , and two bags of Earl Grey tea on a serving tray and carried it to the table as Lana sat down . " I know how you are , but how 's Raye ? " Gertie asked . " Fine ? Fine ? ! What do you mean she 's fine ? " Gertie poured the water . " There is no way that girl is fine … that is , if you 've told her about Thomas . " Lana put a tea bag in her cup to steep . She couldn 't help but think of the famous quote from Eleanor Roosevelt about a woman being like a tea bag … you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water . She felt like the weakest tea bag ever . " I know . " Lana sighed and sipped her tea . Then she looked out the window and onto the pasture . " I 'll tell her before I go to bed Friday night , but I must wait for the right moment . She 's so happy right now , finishing her senior year and preparing for college . " The older woman just shook her head . " So sad . So sad . " Then she gave Lana a grave look . " Have you seen him , yet ? " Tonight I have stopped the hall clock in hopes that my rest will not be interrupted . However , I know that , in truth , I am waking before the first sound is ever issued from the timepiece . He is waking me , just as he did my mother , grandmother , great - grandmother , and Rosalie . Just as he will my Raye . I am less than a week from the age of death in my family and know that the time has come to let Raye know about my destiny … her destiny . The clock sat quiet the entire evening . No ticking . No chiming . But just as Lana began to feel the heaviness of her lids and the soothing draw of slumber , her eyes flew open and the stillness of the night was rudely interrupted with the striking of the 2 o ' clock hour from the grandfather clock . The shadows gathered into pockets on her ceiling and the leaves and branches formed from the pitch . Through her cell walls she saw him circling , watching her . She was dizzy from his motion and wanted to be relieved when he stopped outside the wall at the foot of her bed , but she knew his stopping was not a good thing . Then , like the shadows that cowered under the black leaves , the knotted limbs forming her cell withdrew into one another and Maestoso moved forward into the room . He hovered just beyond her bed , in all his vile glory . He was as pale as the ghostly skin clinging to the underbelly of some wretched creature from the deepest depth of the sea , where no sunlight ever dares reach . His long hair and robes whipped around him like smudged ribbons of black ink . But his eyes were what Lana could bear the least . Red upon red , as if two burning pools of blood cast a gaze on her . With his every look , he seared into her mind , into her heart . The pain was tortuous and Lana 's only defense was to look away . " When will she be mine ? " Maestoso burned his words in her ears without ever opening his twisted mouth . " Save yourself this torture , daughter of Rosalie , and give her to me now . And I promise I will make your death swift . " Lana summoned all her strength and raised her head to face the monster . The pain felt as if it were tearing apart her very mind but she fixed her eyes on Maestoso . " I gave her life . I give her love . And I give her today . " Enraged , Maestoso opened his eyes as wide as they would go . The flames jumped from his sockets and his voice shrieked inside Lana 's head . " I am due satisfaction for the wrongs done me by Rosalie . Justice will come with your blood and with Raye 's touch . " " No ! " Lana screamed as she sat straight up in bed . Her room was back to normal and the breaking of daylight was peeking through the window sheers . Lana quickly wiped the sweat from her brow and smoothed her soaked hair from her face as she ran to unlock the door . " Good morning . " Even she heard the absurdity of her words . " Um , good morning ? " Raye looked her mother up and down , searching for any damage . " You sounded a far cry from a good morning . Are you okay ? " " I saw a rat . " Lana pointed toward the bathroom . " I … I think it came in from around the pipes under the sink . I 'll call an exterminator today . Sorry to scare you , sweetie . " " Well , he sits in front of me in Mr . Pepper 's class . He keeps getting his name on the board for turning around to talk to me . And , a couple of weeks ago , after like the sixth time he got yelled at , he passed me a note that said , ' Save me from myself and let me walk you to the bus stop after school . ' " " He is . And he 's so cute , and smells good , too . " Raye closed her eyes for a second or two . " We 've talked after school every day since then . " Seeing the sadness in her mother 's worn and tired face , Raye nodded . " Sure . We 'll celebrate , just the two of us . You can meet David next week . " As soon as Raye 's bus had pulled away from the stop , Lana jumped in the Jeep and headed for the land . The drive seemed to take forever , but when she finally got there , she wheeled off the road , passed the cabin , drove across the pasture , and stopped where the thick growth of trees began . She had never liked going into the woods and therefore had never walked more than a few feet into the brush . The overgrowth had always served as a buffer between her good memories of the land and the bad . But today Lana knew she had to venture much farther into the trees . She got out of the Jeep , swallowed hard , and began walking . After about 10 minutes , she came to a clearing . A rusted iron fence told her she had reached the site where Rosalie 's house once stood . The fire had destroyed the home down to its foundation 84 years earlier but , despite the green woods surrounding the fence , the yard inside was still as desolate as it was after the fire . What little grass left was brown and dry . Stranger yet was what sprouted from the center of the old , cracked foundation . Where the house once stood was a dead oak tree that looked to have a couple hundred years of growth . Gert 's jaw dropped . " I 'll be a son of a bitch . Would you look at that ? There 's no way a tree that size could 've grown since Rosalie 's house burned . " Then Gert turned from the tree and looked at Lana with a quizzical expression . " Honey , I know you 've never been out here . For that matter , your mama 's tales kept me from ever comin ' out here . So what d ' ya mean you 've been in that tree ? " Drawing a ragged breath , Lana gave the briefest synopsis she could of her morning terrors , hoping to gloss over the event enough to save Gertie some grief . But , as she spoke , the old woman 's gentle eyes filled with tears . " Sweet Lord Jesus , watch and keep us . I had no idea . " Gertie 's chin trembled and the tears spilled onto her face . " Before your mama died , she had made me promise to keep you as happy as I could until you had to face this . I promised , but I never really understood the true darkness of this curse and what you girls had to face . Now I wish I had done more for you . " " Gert , you couldn 't have known what you were up against . " Lana took Gert 's hand . " You loved Mama , and you love Raye and me . You 've fulfilled your promise in the best way possible . " Just then Lana heard a pop from the ground near her feet and she looked down to see wisps of smoke rising from the dirt . She knelt and touched the earth inside the fence . " Gertie , it 's hot . Feel it . It 's like there 's a fire burning below the surface . " The older woman touched the ground then she looked at Lana with concern and fear in her eyes . " Lana , come on . We need to leave here . This place is burning with evil . " Lana arrived back at home and went directly to her studio . She wanted to finish as many works as possible before Friday evening . It was one more thing she could do for Raye , provide for her . She worked furiously until 3 : 30 p . m . , when she knew Raye would be home . Then she quickly cleaned up and went inside to hear about her daughter 's day . But when she entered the house , she knew something was wrong , even before she heard sobbing coming from Raye 's bedroom . Lana continued to smooth her hand over her daughter 's back . A growing panic was forming in the pit of her stomach . " And who is the substitute ? " Raye sobbed even harder . " He asked me to stay after class to help him put together a lesson plan . But when I told him I was supposed to come straight home , he grabbed me around the waist and … and licked my face . " Maestoso has revealed himself to me in spirit and to Raye in the flesh . I know he wants her , but I am sickened at the thought of him having her . Surely it is better that she die like me than give him what he wants . Yet I struggle within myself to think that maybe she could bear his physical form and secure a long life for herself , even if it isn 't the happiest of lives . I have accepted my fate , but for Raye I cannot accept either fate that awaits her . Tonight I must face him and beg for his mercy on my daughter . But for the first time since the 2 a . m . visits began , the clock did not chime the early morning hour . When Lana opened her eyes on Thursday morning , it was to the daylight flooding into her room . She had slept through the night , but she felt far from rested . Her thoughts were on Raye . She ran to her daughter 's room , but the girl was nowhere to be found . Lana looked at the clock . It was 11 a . m . How could she have slept so long when so little time was left to help Raye ? She quickly dressed , taking special care with her appearance . Then she jumped in the Jeep and headed for Raye 's school . The hallways were quiet , as the students spent their lunchtime away from the classrooms . Lana 's breathing and heartbeat sped up as she entered the room . She was surprised that she was able to keep her composure . And then she saw him sitting at the teacher 's desk and the pain surged over her like a tidal wave . He was a young , dark - haired man , furiously scribbling in a leather - bound journal . Because of the intense ache in her head , she could barely focus on him so she lowered her eyes and thought of Raye . The man didn 't look up or stop his scribbling . " Daughter of Rosalie , you had your chance to break the curse when you were pure , but you chose to be with your precious Charles . I have no interest in you now . I want no woman that has been had by another . " His pen was now tearing through the pages in the journal . She hesitated a moment too long , causing him to finally put down his pen and looked up at her . She raised her gaze to meet his red - rimmed eyes . They bore into Lana like the flames had two nights earlier . She gripped a nearby desk to steady herself , as the pain grew more intense . Then Maestoso 's human form floated over the desk and pressed against her withering body . " You see , Lana , you were meant to die . But Raye is still pure . She is meant to live … with me . Do not keep the truth from her , as your mother did to you . You must tell her to come to me before she gives her heart to another . " " Then you will have failed to end what Rosalie began and Raye will die . And I will continue my quest until I am satisfied . " Maestoso floated back behind the desk with as much care as a feather on the breeze . He picked up his pen , lowered his head , and began to scribble once more . " Make use of all the days I 've so generously provided you . " In the hallway , Lana waited for Raye . Her mind raced as she thought of what this monster wanted from her daughter . There was nothing she could do to stop him , but what if she could make the matter easier for Raye ? If he forced himself on her that would be worse than if she welcomed it … or at least prepared for it . The thought revolted against Lana 's every instinct , but she couldn 't stop thinking that it may be her daughter 's only hope . Just then the bell sounded to end the lunch hour and hordes of students flooded the hall . Lana spotted Raye , walking with a handsome young boy . As they approached , Lana reached for her daughter 's arm and pulled her against the wall . " Do not speak of him that way ! " Lana couldn 't believe the words were coming from her mouth but she kept talking nonetheless . " I met with him and he seems … quite n - nice . " " Nice ? " Raye laughed in disbelief . " Are you sure you were in the right room ? Did you see his crazy blood - shot eyes ? I swear the man looks like he 's strung out on something trippy . " " I found him uniquely charming . " Lana 's eyes darted briefly to the boy then back to her daughter 's bewildered face . " Maybe you should give him another chance . " What am I saying ? " I 'm saying that it would be a nice gesture for you to help him after class . Maybe you 'd find that he 's not so bad to be around . Maybe you misunderstood his intentions . " " Are you crazy ? Why would you even suggest that ? What 's wrong with you ? " Anger flooded Raye 's face . She grabbed the boy 's hand and pulled him down the hall . " Come on , David . Let 's get out of here . " Lana tried to call to Raye and David but the couple disappeared into the crowded hallway . It didn 't matter anyway . She wouldn 't have known what to say even if they had stopped to listen . She couldn 't believe what she had just told to her precious daughter to do . In her studio , Lana thought about what had happened at the school . She threw pot after pot , trying to work out a solution by working the clay . But no solution was good enough . And after hours of work all she had to show was a table covered with greenware . She cleaned her wheel and wiped down the studio . She would make no more pieces . Tomorrow she would fire up the kiln for the last time . But tonight , no more fabrication , I have to face the fire with Raye . I have to tell her everything . Lana bit her lip and shook her head at her earlier behavior . " I was wrong to say what I said . I 'm sorry . You 're right , Mr . Maestoso is a horrible man . " This was it . This was the moment Lana had dreaded for 18 years . She looked at her beautiful daughter and stroked her forehead with the back of her hand . " Raye , what I have to say will not be easy for you to hear . It certainly isn 't easy for me to tell . As a matter of fact , I 've delayed telling you your entire life , but I have no more time left in which to delay . " " What ? ! " Raye sat straight up and her face went pale . " How ? You 're not going to die . You 're not even sick . " " Raye , of course I care , but I 've known my fate since I was pregnant with you . I 've had quite some time to accept the situation . My concern now is for your safety and happiness . " " It began many , many years ago with your great - great - great - grandmother , Rosalie . A man , a horrible man , fell in love with her . But when she didn 't return his affections , he sold his soul to the devil and placed a curse on our family . " " Your substitute teacher is not human . He 's some reincarnation of the man who killed Rosalie and her descendants . He 's the man who will kill me tomorrow night . " Lana faced the wall . She couldn 't bear to look at her daughter . " And he 's the man who will kill you on your 42nd birthday if you don 't agree to be with him . " Lana let out a sigh and sat back down on the bed . " Rosalie and her parents were the first in our family to live on the 40 acres where your Aunty Gertie lives now . She was a beautiful woman . As a matter of fact , you look a lot like her photos . " Lana continued , " Well , Rosalie and her parents worked the 40 acres as tenant farmers on an estate that measured at least five times that size . Her father , Jesse , dreamed of buying the acreage and being able to keep all of the earnings it yielded . But Jesse grew sick and the family fell on hard times . Suitors came to woo Rosalie , but her attentions were focused on helping her mother work the farm and secure ownership of the land . " Then one day the master of the estate , Thomas Maestoso , came to visit the family and was taken by Rosalie 's beauty and charm . He fell in love with her immediately but , being extremely withdrawn and lacking social graces , he kept his feelings from her . Instead , he tried to show his affection by providing the family with a hired hand , Lucas , to help with the farming . " " Yes , and he fell for her , too . They told no one but made plans to marry as soon as the family land was secured and her parents were provided for . They worked hard to earn enough money to buy the land . They planted extra crops so they 'd have more to sell at harvest time . Rosalie baked and sewed to earn extra money . And after Lucas would finish the chores on the land each day , he would work as a hired hand in the evenings . They spent little time together in hopes that their hard work would prove rewarding later . " " No . As a matter of fact , he hired her to cook for him in the evenings so he could spend time with her . And the more time he spent with her , the more deeply in love he fell . " " Right . But she couldn 't tell him about Lucas . Her own parents didn 't even know . So she told him she couldn 't marry until her family was able to buy the land on which they lived and farmed . " " Not exactly . Thomas was a prideful man , who was bitter over Rosalie 's refusal - no matter the reason . So he went to see Rosalie 's father and told him that he and Rosalie loved each other greatly but that she had kept it a secret until her parents owned the land . Then Thomas offered to sell Jesse the 40 acres for one dollar if Jesse would give Rosalie permission to wed . Jesse didn 't want to stand in the way of his daughter 's happiness so he paid for the land and gave blessings for Rosalie to marry . " " No , Thomas made it impossible for her to refuse . That evening , he called her to dinner . He explained the transaction between he and Jesse told her she was free to marry . But Rosalie burst into tears and told him she would not marry him . Thomas was enraged and yelled , ' You will marry me , Rosalie , or your parents will not live on that land , they will lie under it . ' " " Yes . So , of course , Rosalie agreed to marry him . But the night before the wedding , she met with Lucas one last time . She had been saving herself for her wedding night , for Lucas . She couldn 't give that gift to another man . So the two spent that one night together as lovers . " " Not until later . They married , but Rosalie couldn 't bear to be with him physically . She charmed her way out of consummating the marriage for months but then he began to notice that her belly was growing and he realized that she was pregnant . When he confronted her , Rosalie told him about Lucas and their last night together . " " He flew into a rage , grabbed his gun , found Lucas alone at the house of Rosalie 's parents and killed him . Then Thomas Maestoso took the blood of your great - great - great - grandfather , drank it , and placed a curse on Rosalie , her daughters , and any man who loved them . At that moment , Rosalie , who had been trying to find Lucas to warn him of Thomas ' anger , ran into the room . When she found Lucas dead , she threw a kerosene lamp at Thomas and pulled Lucas ' dead body out of the house . It didn 't take long for fire to spread but Thomas didn 't even try escape or put out the flames engulfing his body . He had gone mad with the evil in his heart . He just stared at Rosalie through the blazing windows , and she heard him whisper in her mind that she would only live long enough to see her child leave home but that a part of her would one day be his . " " We didn 't know about the curse until it was too late . As a mother , you don 't want to see your child hurt . And what would hurt more than telling your daughter that she can never love who she wants to love ? So days and months and years go by and you tell yourself , I 'll tell her tomorrow , but then you run out of tomorrows and suddenly your daughter is a woman in love and it 's too late . " Lana fought to compose herself . " Well , my mother followed in the footsteps of her foremothers and tried to keep the curse from me . Even when I was 17 and Maestoso manifested as a drifter who stayed in the shed behind the cabin and did chores around the property . I tried my best to get along with him but I couldn 't . He was wretched in appearance and vile in nature . He never had a kind word for my mother , because she had refused him . It wasn 't long after he came to stay on the land that I met Charles . We feel deeply in love and eloped just months after meeting . Thomas left the grounds immediately , and my mother rejoiced at my happiness even though her time to die was near . She knew Thomas wouldn 't take Charles until after I was pregnant , which as it turned out was two years after we married and a year after she died . I didn 't learn of the curse until the morning after your conception when I woke to find my sweet Charles dead of a heart attack . Mom had left the task to Gertie to explain things to me . " " I don 't think that 's an option . You saw how he acted with you alone in the classroom . He doesn 't need your permission to take you , just your refusal of David . " Lana laughed bitterly . " I battled with that a long time but that 's what fate dealt me so I learned to accept it . And to be honest , sweetie , looking back on the two years I had with your father and the 18 years I 've had with you , I don 't think I would have chosen any different if I had known about the curse . " Raye fell asleep in my arms tonight after crying for hours . I told her about everything : Thomas , the tree , and the morning terrors . Our time is so short and I hate that that monster is taking our last precious hours from us . But I am so glad that she knows . Hers was the hardest good - bye to say , even after saying good - bye to my mother , to Gertie , and to my dear Charles . I am so proud of Raye and pray she finds a way to break this curse and finds a long life filled with happiness . " Yes I do , " Lana said , still laughing . " I have finished with you . You can no longer come between my daughter and me . She knows about you . " " I 'm sure you will , Thomas . But she has the power now . She decides her fate . Whatever happens will be because she chose for it to happen . " " That is fine , " he said . " Let her choose . In the end you will die and I will , one day , have a part of Rosalie as my own . " She looked over at the three framed photos she kept on the nightstand : one picture of her mother and Gertie , one of Charles , and one of Raye . She smiled as she thought of her loved ones . No more secrets . Her good - byes had been said . All that was left was to finish her work in the studio . Then she noticed that her journal was missing and in its place was a note from Raye . It read , " I love you , Mom . I debated staying home today but decided it would be too painful , plus I know you will want to finish things in the studio . I borrowed your journal . I didn 't think you 'd mind . I 'll bring it home with me at 3 : 30 . Everything 's going to be okay . Thanks for telling me . " Lana smiled , got dressed , put the note in her hip pocket , and went to work . She fired all of the pieces she had thrown the day before . Her work hadn 't pleased her this much in years . She loved the glazes and texture of finished pieces . She loved that she would live on through her work … and through her daughter . Tonight was my last with Raye . We had so much fun , laughing at old memories , looking at old pictures . I cracked open the bottle of Dom Perignon I had been saving and shared it with my daughter . Our time together was sweet , although far too short , but I go to sleep tonight with every confidence that my Raye will find a way to stop this … to claim for herself a new destiny . The effect of the champagne took hold of Lana , who fell asleep with her daughter lying next to her , holding her hand . But at the 2 o ' clock hour , Lana opened her eyes to find herself alone in her bed , atop the tree tower , and surrounded by fire . As the flames burned closer and closer to Lana , Maestoso circled faster around her , hissing , spitting , and laughing . Back in Lana 's real bedroom , Raye couldn 't wake her mother . She reached over to shake her but Lana 's skin was too hot for Raye to touch . Raye grabbed her mother 's cell phone and car keys and ran to the Jeep . She had to get to the land . Lana watched Maestoso wind around her as the flames ate away at her cell . Once the walls of limbs had burned away , the flames lowered and Maestoso floated up to Lana 's bed . " I hope you are ready to die . " Maestoso perched at the edge of the burning wooden floor . " How beautiful you are . Come to me my Rosalie . I have waited such a long time . " Maestoso considered briefly . " I suppose that is true . " Then he motioned toward Lana . " I lift the curse from upon your head . You will not die tonight . Your fate lies in your own hands . " The flames leapt higher and limbs that had been burned seemed to regenerate . As they did , the black branches and leaves sprouted from the limbs and cast their dark shadows , which turned back into the dark ceiling of Lana 's bedroom . And as the limbs fused to become her walls , she heard Maestoso 's fading voice resound in her head . " And your second condition ? " " Wait ! " she tried to yell , but it was too late . She was back in her room , 30 miles from Raye and too weak to stand on her own . She fell to the floor and was reaching for the phone to call 911 when her bedroom door burst open and David ran in . David helped her to his car and they broke all speed limits racing to the land , although to Lana the drive seemed like an eternity . When they got there , they pulled into the drive of the cabin as the sun was coming up over the woods . Gertie was on the porch , waving for them to stop . Lana took a deep breath , more frightened than any of Maestoso 's visits had made her . David helped her from the car and they followed Gertie inside to the front bedroom . There on the bed was Raye , pale and sweaty , lying in the morning sunshine that beamed through the windows . " Mom ? " Raye opened her eyes . " It 's going to be okay , Mom . I told you it would all be okay . Where 's David ? " " Ms . Lana , I love your daughter deeply . You need to know that before anything else . She came to me at school yesterday morning and said we needed to skip classes and talk . She brought me out here and showed me the tree and your journal . She explained everything to me , including the decision she had to make . " David began to weep . " I swear , I didn 't care when I died , as long I could spend whatever time I had with Raye . I love her that much . But the thought of her suffering made me ill . So when Raye told me her plan , I had to agree to it . It meant she had to sacrifice herself but it was truly the only possible way she could stop Maestoso . " " Honey , whatever that monster did to her , you have to remember that she is alive . We must be thankful for that . Put this all behind you and move on . " A year has passed and I still can 't look at my daughter without thinking of what she did to save me . I will be 43 in a week and I owe it all to Raye , the strongest woman I know . And David has become the man that Thomas never could be . He loves a woman who was had by another man and he loves a child sired by another man . Baby Hope is soon to be three months old and is a living testament to her mother 's bravery , devotion , and sacrifice . A sacrifice that was rewarded with a beautiful daughter , who will know truth , strength , and courage , and who will , like her mothers before her , fill her heart with passion . |
Once ( and only once ) the Trickster fell in love . The girl loved him too , though this was hardly surprising since most women ( and many men ) loved him at first sight . She was very traditional , however , and insisted that her parents approve of the marriage . Convincing her mother was no problem , but her father was suspicious . Do not make the mistake of thinking he was concerned for the happiness or well - being of his daughter , for he was a small - minded and vain man whose only concern was to better his own wealth and standing in the eyes of the world . He had dined with kings , queens and presidents , he had appeared on television twice , and he was a member of the homeowner 's association . His lawn had won " Lawn of the Year " for the past fourteen years in a row and was the envy of the neighborhood . He doubted whether adding the Trickster to his family could provide the kind of life that he desired . So , he devised a series of tests which he was sure were impossible . " You must understand , " he told the Trickster , " She is my only daughter and she is most precious to me . I want to make sure that she marries the kind of man who can provide a good life for her . " The father swore the oath . " Now then , I want to know that the man my daughter marries is financially secure . Show me a million dollars in cash . " The Trickster smiled . " That 's easy ! " he said , and headed into town . A few hours later , he returned , carrying the vault from a bank . He dropped it on the front lawn with a heavy THUD . The door flew open and money poured out . " Here is one million , two hundred thirty - five thousand , six hundred ninety - three dollars and sixty cents , " he said . The father scowled . " Well , you have passed the first test , " he said , " But the measure of a man is more than money . It is important that a man be reliable , and to be known by all to be trustworthy . I would like for you to gather a hundred character witnesses to vouch for your reliability . " The Trickster threw his head back and laughed . " I am the most reliable man in the world ! " he said . " Everyone knows I can always be trusted to do or say what will cause the most discord in any situation , and you can reliably predict that I will do the most unpredictable thing possible . " He pulled out his phone and made several calls . Over the next few days , thousands came to the house vouching for the Trickster 's reliability at always being nothing but trouble . The steady influx of pilgrims trampled the grass , leaving the front lawn muddy and ruined . " That is not quite what I was hoping for , " the father said grimly , " But I suppose it fulfills the letter of my request . Some say it is better to know that a man will cause trouble , rather than to be uncertain if he will . Very well . You have shown that you are a man of the world , but are you also a man of the heart ? My daughter was raised on Disney movies and Nicholas Sparks novels and has grandiose ideas of romance and love . She will expect the kinds of gestures that would impress a queen . " " My friend , " the Trickster said , " Over - the - top is the only way I know how to live ! While other men would buy their sweethearts a dozen roses , I would dig up the yard and cover it in rose bushes ! While other men might take their wives to a cabin by the lake , I would take her to an oceanside castle ! While other men might close the blinds to keep the sun from her eyes , I … I would eat the sun itself ! " The Trickster stuck his fingers down his throat and vomited the sun onto the lawn . What little grass remained in the yard immediately burst into flame . Nonchalantly , he picked up the sun and flung it back into the sky . She shook her head . " You know it 's harder for me to check those things than it is for you . Without an implant , I actually have to spend time looking it up rather than just thinking about it . " She smiled at him . " I 'm less of a slave to technology than you are , dad . I 've got to go to school , I 'll see you later . " As she left , John shook his head in disbelief . Most kids her age couldn 't wait until they turned 18 and could undergo the surgery to get their own implants . What was wrong with her ? The replies started coming in quickly , almost overwhelmingly . He was even starting to get responses from strangers . John had had his implant for years , though , and was used to sifting through the flood of information to weed out the useful comments from the crap . As usual , most of it was crap and none of it was any help . Finally , though he got a message from an old high school friend of his . " What do you mean ? " John asked him , " I 'm worried about her . She 'll get left behind ! She won 't be able to do as well in school or work as other people her age … I 'm sure these days not having an implant guarantees you 'll never get a very good job . " " Of course , " his friend said , " But she 'll learn that on her own . Every generation has its own ways of rebelling , but they eventually grow out of it . Even the hippies eventually cut their hair and went and got jobs . My son didn 't want an implant at first , either . It only took him a month after all his friends got one before he changed his mine . " " But that 's because it 's so useful ! You 're never alone , for one . You can instantly get in contact with your family or friends . And if you need to look something up all you need to do is think about it ! Nobody ever turns it off not because they can 't live without it , but because it makes everything so much more … efficient . " He shook his head . " It 's not the same , you can 't understand until you have one . It 's just so much … better . " " I 'm not arguing against that , Dad , " she said . " I 'm not saying it 's bad , and I 'm not saying you shouldn 't use it . I 'm just saying that it 's nice to know that at least inside my head I can have some peace and quiet . Try it . Turn your implant off now . Remember what it was like before you were constantly connected . " Mr . Johnson had been coming to our restaurant for years . Every time he came in , he would order the same meal : grilled chicken with a side of broccoli , a baked potato ( butter only ) and a coffee . After he finished eating and the plates were cleared away , he would take out his domino set . Occasionally he would come in to eat with someone else and they would play with him . Sometimes one of us would sit down to play a round or two . Often , he simply played by himself . Whatever the case , he frequently stayed for at least an hour after he was done eating , and sometimes even longer . He would sip his coffee , politely asking for refills when necessary . Newer employees were sometimes annoyed by him . " Why is that guy just sitting there playing dominoes ? " they fumed . " He 's already eaten and paid for his meal , he 's just taking up a table that some other paying customer could use . " " That 's Mr . Johnson , " we 'd tell them . " Who the hell are you ? He 's been a part of this restaraunt longer than you have . " The restaraunt closed at 10 P . M . Mr Johnson knew that we were trying to go home . Although nobody had ever asked him to leave , he always packed up his dominoes and left as soon as the clock struck 10 if he happened to still be around at that time . Not to mention , he always tipped well . Nobody knew anything about him . He knew several of us by name , and we would often sit and talk to him , but he never talked about himself or his life . Most people thought he was a lonely widower , his children ( if any ) grown and long gone . There were , of course , much more wild rumors as well . Some claimed that he was a former Nazi , or a former spy , or even a current spy . One wild - eyed fry cook floated the hypothesis that Mr . Johnson was a highly advanced domino - playing robot . Henrietta Simmons discovered the answer as she was paging through the newspaper on her break . Henrietta was the type of person who always read the obituaries . She said it made her feel better about herself . We passed around the newspaper in silence . After all these years , we finally had gotten a glimpse into the life of Mr . Johnson , and now it was too late . Many were secretly disappointed , as it turned out that his life was not nearly as exciting as they had imagined . Mr . Johnson was just a regular person . We were on our way to see someone Todd called the Eyeball Kid . I don 't know how he found these people . While most of us were cowering in fear at the nightmare we 'd seen the world become , Todd seemed to thrive on it . It 's like Freak had only confirmed what he already knew about the world , and now he 'd thrown himself full - heartedly into the weirdness . We pulled up to an apartment complex . A pretty shitty one , too . Todd led me to room 27 and knocked on the door , which opened immediately , still on the chain . The door shut , then reopened , revealing a haggard - looking young woman , early twenties at most . Her sunken , tired eyes told me that she , too , was a Freak user . She glanced at me suspiciously . " No , " he said , " There 's no way she 'll ever take Freak again after what happened to her kid . They 're sleeping pills . She has a hard time sleeping , understandably . " " What happened to her … " I began , then stopped , gasping . We 'd entered the den . Sitting at the table was a young boy , about 6 years old . What shocked me was his eyes . They were too big for his face , bulging out so far his eyelids couldn 't even completely shut around them when he blinked . " Hey Teddy , " Todd said , pulling a piece of paper and a box of crayons from his pocket . " It 's me , Todd . You remember me , right ? Want to draw a picture for me ? " " Turns out Freak 's got some literary sensibilities , " he grinned bitterly . " It took the kid 's eyes , but he can see the future . And if you bring him a piece of paper and some crayons he 'll draw it for you . " In Sunnyville , every day was exactly the same . Every family would wake up at 7 : 00 AM sharp . The parents prepared breakfast , took the kids to school , and headed to work . At 12 : 00 PM came lunch break . Everyone in the town stopped what they were doing to open their brown paper bags to remove their perfectly cut pastrami sandwich . At 3 : 00 PM the children got home from school , and at 5 : 00 PM the parents came home from work , in time for dinner at 6 : 00 PM , after which the children went right upstairs to do their homework . At 9 : 15 PM the children would be tucked into bed . The mother or father would read a simple story out of the book on the nightstand , each story taking exactly 15 minutes , so the lights could be off by 9 : 30 PM . Afterwards , the parents rejoined each other on the couch in the den to watch a sitcom before the 10 o ' clock news came on . The news anchors would report that everything was perfect , that everything was going along exactly as it should , just as it had yesterday , the day before that , the day before that , and so on and so on as long as anyone could remember . One day , by chance , the Trickster happened to come to Sunnyville . He stood on the hill overlooking the city and watched the industrious citizens go about their daily lives . He sat on the hill for days , watching , waiting for something to change , but of course , nothing ever did . The Trickster sat and thought to himself , trying to figure out the best way to disrupt Sunnyville . He brooded and he pondered , he dreamed and he imagined , he schemed and he planned . Finally , he realized that sewing chaos here would be simple indeed , so simple that he laughed at himself for not realizing it earlier . Early the next morning , the Trickster awoke at 7 : 00 AM , just like all the other inhabitants of the town . Unlike them , though , he did not fetch the morning paper , pour himself a cup of coffee , feed the dog or scramble eggs . Instead , he walked straight to the central square of the city and stood right in the middle of the intersection . It wasn 't like any traffic jam you or I have ever seen , however . The pleasant people of Sunnyville had never in their lives been held up like this before . Rather than getting angry or frustrated , like those of us who don 't live in perfect worlds , they were simply confused . I watched her out of the corner of my eye . Her bright pink hair stuck out at angles that shouldn 't even be possible . Every word that she said was one of the most unexpected and obscene things I could imagine . She was the most amazing person I 'd ever met . Her parents hated me . When she brought me home to meet them , her mother cried as her father screamed . They called me names , blamed me for " corrupting " their daughter . We were in the park . I had packed a picnic basket and a bottle of wine . She laughed and called me a walking cliché , but I could tell that she enjoyed it . My gaze wandered over to the tree we were sitting under . I was suddenly struck with awe at the intricate pattern of bark covering the trunk . No artist could paint something so detailed , and yet here it had occurred entirely by random chance . Not only that , but no other tree in the history of the world would ever have the exact same pattern of bark . I rolled over and stared up at the leafy canopy . I was astonished at the number of leaves - they seemed uncountable . I turned to look at her , and was overwhelmed with the deepest feelings of positivity , thankfulness to the universe just for the fact that she existed . I wasn 't , of course . We adopted . A girl from China . When she turned 17 , she ran away and joined the army . We got a letter a few months later saying she 'd been killed . She moved out one day . She said it wasn 't my fault . She felt like she 'd turned into her mother and couldn 't live with herself that way . I told people she 'd run away with some young actor , but as far as I know she never saw anyone else . I know I never did . I sat by her bed in the hospital . She 'd been unresponsive ever since the stroke , but I was there every day . It 's not like I had much else to do these days . " What can I do ? " Yuri moaned , " I 'll never be accepted , wherever I go ! Nobody trusts an unvisible man . Your father will never let us marry ! " " I 've got it ! " Yuri shouted , snapping his fingers ( or so Yulia assumed , he could have been cracking his neck for all she knew ) . " I 'll finally catch Eugene in the act ! That way , I 'll clear my name and also help the village at the same time ! " So , for the next few nights , Yuri sat on the roof of his house watching for Eugene . It was difficult work . The nights in this part of the country could be bitterly cold , and of course he had to sit through the whole night entirely naked . Some nights , Yulia would sneak out and bring him warm borscht , which made it slightly more bearable . However , a stroke of luck came into his life when a famous merchant came through town . The people in the town were so pleased to see a foreigner , they insisted he stay the night free of charge in Nikolai 's inn . Yuri knew that Eugene wouldn 't be able to resist the call of the merchant 's many riches , and late that night , his suspicions were confirmed as he spied Eugene sneaking towards the inn . " He 's too dangerous , " Ivan said , shaking his head . " Back when he was just a simple thief , we could let him roam free . But a violent unvisible man is too dangerous to have in town . There 's nothing left to do but to throw him in jail . " " What else ? " grunted the Truck Driver , sliding onto the stool . " I don 't know why you work in this dump , " he said , shaking his head . " Tell me about it , " sighed the Truck Driver , " But you could do so much more ! You 're the Wise Old Man for God 's sake ! Couldn 't you have been a professor or a therapist or something ? " " I heard it was the Trickster , " said the Bartender . " He decided to become a Con Man , then he and the Fool worked together , did some embezzling and fraud , made millions . Of course , then he got arrested and the Fool got to keep all the money . Been living it up ever since , doesn 't give two shits about anything . " " Hell , man , " laughed the Truck Driver , " why couldn 't that have been us ? Ah well , at least I 'm still doing what I was meant to . Driving a truck is sort of like being a Wanderer . I get to travel a lot , anyway . " The Truck Driver nodded . Back when humanity was young , the Child was all sweetness and light , instead of the snotty little shit he was today . One could almost forgive the Mother for turning from the strong , supportive parent she once was to the henpecking , controlling woman she had become . So , the twins . Identical twins , and I mean completely identical . Only way to tell ' em apart was to get way up close , ' cause you see , each of ' em had only one good eye . The other one was glass . Funny thing was , one was missing his right eye and the other his left . A little too coincidental if you ask me , but anyway say you manage to get close enough to their faces , you could know who was who . Creepy bastards , too . You know how some twins got that " sixth sense " about each other , can tell what the other 's thinking or doing at the time , right ? These guys had it like no other . Sometimes it seemed like they were the same guy just in two different bodies , y ' know ? One of ' em would be off doing something and the other would know everything before he even heard about it . Nobody knew their real names . They both went by " Jack . " To confuse people , I guess , but it 's not like it mattered since you couldn 't tell ' em apart anyway . And of course people called ' em the One - Eyed Jacks . Alright , you gotta understand , this guy , even though he was the younger brother , he was big . The Jacks were scrawny types , they were the schemers and talkers of the operation . The King was the muscle . And he was an animal . He fought like he wasn 't afraid of dying , and I guess he wasn 't ' cause a lot of the time the fights would end with him shooting himself in the head . Yeah . " A lot of the time . " He did this more than once . What , you think people called him the Suicide King ' cause it was cute ? Yeah , after he shoots himself in the head he just lies there ' til things settle down and then he just gets up and walks out at his leisure . I don 't even wanna know how he discovered that particular talent . Nah , it 's all true . How the hell could I make this shit up ? Remember that rash of robberies all across the country few years back , three - man teams , two of ' em always got away but the third always ended up taking his own life ? Sure , they said it was " copycat crimes " but who the hell would want to copy that ? You 're laughing . You don 't believe me . Well , maybe so . Hell , I never met these guys myself , could be all a ghost story far as I know . But let me tell you , I don 't hang around with no twins no more . " Yeah , I know what my problem is . My problem is I have a terrible sense of self - worth . I constantly harp on my failures while ignoring my successes . Causing , of course , a never - ending spiral of failure because as I trust in my own abilities less and less I succeed less and less . Of course , it 's not really my fault . When I was young , nothing I did was ever good enough for my parents . I was the only child so all their attention was always focused on me . Whenever I screwed up , I got it big time , when my father was even around . Most of the time he was off on ' business trips ' ( at his funeral I found out he had at least 50 mistresses ) leaving my mother to raise me . I mean , she tried her best , but she didn 't have the masculinizing influence that a father would have had . Plus I think she knew what he was really up to so most of the time she would just cry herself to sleep watching TV , leaving me to eat stale crackers and tuna . Actually , the tuna probably didn 't help either . There 's a lot of heavy metals in that stuff . Probably disrupted my brain real bad , probably all sorts of chemical imbalances up there now . ' Course , things didn 't get much better when I went to college , my mom wasn 't willing to cut the apron strings , they 'd call me every night . I tried sometimes to ' accidentally ' leave my phone in my room but then I just got chewed out . Honestly it was basically like having someone watching you all the time , do you know what that 's like ? Of course now that they 're gone that 's not a problem anymore and I feel relieved , but I really feel sort of guilty for feeling that way too . And honestly after having someone there all the time to force you to achieve and to support you when you fail … it 's sort of hard to deal with actually being independent . Honestly , all in all I 'm pretty much just a basket case . " |
I 've done a lot of funerals over the last 25 years , and so there aren 't too many things that surprise me any more . Today , though , I had a first : the first time I was in a funeral procession on a busy interstate . . Daughter is spinning more drama at the workshop . Sunday night she told me she 'd gotten back together with an old boyfriend . This particular boyfriend was just put on community control and ordered into a sex offenders treatment program . When she told me , she was waiting for me to react . I just shrugged my shoulders . She was disappointed . I said , " We 're moving in a month . I 'm not providing transportation for you to go see him . He doesn 't have transportation . It 's not going to last , so I 'm not going to worry . " She was obviously disappointed . . Yesterday she came home and told me he was pressuring her for sex and that " something " had happened on the bus . She backed down on her claim that he 'd exposed himself to her when I suggested that he had scared her and she was trying to express how threatened she 'd felt by what he 'd said to her . . I had a voice mail today from Case Manager . Daughter went in and reported the incident to her . Sigh . She is stressed about the move , I understand that . So she is flailing around creating drama so she can get attention . She tried to hook me with a physical complaint today , but I was tied up with the funeral , so that didn 't work . I suspect that this was her next attempt at attention . Unfortunately , I did not get Case Manager 's message until it was too late to call her back . Even worse , Case Manager is off for the rest of the week . . I 've explained to her quite clearly that making false reports can get her into a great deal of trouble . So now she 's saying she doesn 't remember exactly what happened . That could be accurate . I think the line between reality and fantasy is often blurred for her . It sure does make it hard to figure out what 's real with her . . I suspect she will continue to escalate until the move is complete and she is settled in to a new routine . Hopefully I will be ablReverend Mom Last year I had a lot of funerals , personally and professionally . Both my parents died , and then I buried a number of church members . Today I will have my second funeral of the year . The first one was on Sunday . I didn 't realize I hadn 't had any until I went to the funeral folder on my computer - - I hadn 't even started a file for 2010 . Not only are these the first funerals , both have been for nonmembers . Two nonmember funerals in a year is unusual , let alone two in less than a week . . What isn 't unusual is that I am adding funerals to one of the busiest weeks of the year . This Sunday is the Big Event . We 'll have several hundred guests here for that . For me it is an honor to do funerals . It is a blessing to walk with a family as they journey through their grief . It is a bit more challenging , though , when I don 't know the individual . Each funeral I do is very personal , and it 's difficult to personalize the funeral of someone I don 't know ( or didn 't know well . ) . Between the Big Event and the funerals , I 'm not having much time to do the things that need to be done for the move . I realized yesterday that my commitments over the next month are growing rapidly , and it 's going to become more challenging to carve out the space to do the sorting and packing that needs to be done . It will get done . A month from now I will be trying to figure out where to put everything in our new home . I 'm looking forward to that challenge . Posted by Today I had a follow up appointment with the Nurse Practitioner in the GI practice where I had the scope done in June . She said I had some pretty impressive inflammation in my esophagus and the damage had caused a significant stricture . The reflux was responsible for my lack of voice in the mornings . There was a while when I had a hard time when every Sunday people would ask me if I had a bad cold because my voice was so raspy . Last time I was in she doubled my medication and told me to elevate the head of my bed . She also told me to modify my diet and stop taking ibu . profen . . I elevated the head of my bed 6 inches . I 'm doing pretty well with the diet - - though I still drink tea with caffeine in the mornings . I 'm taking ty . lenol now for my arthritis . I 'm feeling better , but still having symptoms . She doubled my medication - - again . She also told me I need to find a GI doctor as soon as I move . . It 's sad that I ignored my symptoms until it got so bad . I spend so much time transporting Daughter to appointments that my own needs get pushed aside . I was talking to Far Away Sister when I left there , and it suddenly hit me - - a medical appointment will no longer require at least an hour in the car . A medical appointment will no longer be a half day affair . Maybe I will be able to see to my own medical needs after we move . . . . Posted by In my first church , I was part of a clergy group that gathered regularly . It was a wonderful resource , providing friendship , advice , perspective , and fellowship . We made an annual pilgrimage to a major league baseball game . We had an Epiphany barbecue . We studied the Bible together . It was wonderful . . When I moved here , I couldn 't even get my closest colleagues to return phone calls . I have been so lonely here . There have been a couple of women with whom I 've made connections , but it has been a challenge . . Yesterday and today I received emails from colleagues in Capital . One invited me to the monthly clergy gatherings and included the list of dates . They gather for 3 hours once a month for fellowship and a program . The other welcomed me and told me about the events the congregations do cooperatively each year . I can hear Far Away Sister 's amused response when I tell her about this : " It 's called civilization . " It 's going to be good to be back in civilization . I 'm looking forward to it . Posted by Thursday we were working on the program for the Big Event in the office . Some random numbers were appearing when we printed it out . They were not showing up on the computer screen . I explained , again , that there were too many layers of formatting , and that it was better to start with a fresh document rather than modifying a document that had been modified 10 times before . We 've had this conversation before , but Secretary thinks it 's easier to modify an existing document than to start with one of the templates I 've created . I wish she would learn . . Yesterday Daughter and I had a discussion about how much work she was making for herself when she didn 't put things where the belong right away . I pointed out all the stress and the mess of the guest room was a direct result of her failing to be responsible . She claimed she understood , of course . I hoped that she would remember it for at least a while . Yesterday evening there was some laundry she needed to take care of it . She had already forgotten our discussion , and when I insisted that she hang it up and put it away rather than wadding it up and hiding it , the resulting explosion was memorable , to say the least . Two hours later , she finally did things my way . I get frustrated with the fact that she doesn 't seem to understand cause and effect . I wish she would learn . . So , this afternoon I had a graveside service . I pulled up the service I had done for the deceased 's sister a number of years ago and worked off of that . I have changed the format I use as I age . I use a larger format with the larger print . Instead of two columns and landscape orientation , I use one column and portrait orientation . Instead of 12 point font , I use 14 point . I was procrastinating . I dismissed the memories of the stress that results when I wait until the last minute and technology doesn 't cooperate . I reformatted the old service and rewrote it to fit the situation today . I sent it to the printer . I got a warning that the margins were outside the printable area , but told it to go ahead and priReverend Mom This morning was the first Sunday I 've led worship here in Tiny Village since the letter went out announcing my resignation . It was freeing to be able to address what is happening directly . I focused on the new thing God is going to be doing in and through us in the weeks and months ahead . The congregation liked it . As I anticipated , a number of the older members are distressed to see me leave . I have grown close to them through time spent walking with them through difficult situations . I 've buried spouses , done hospital visits , offered support and reassurance . They are sorry to see me leaving , and I will miss them . I 'm sure many of them are wondering who will do their funerals when the time comes . . I kept telling them that in the long run , this will be good for the church , but this morning there weren 't very many people buying that line . Daughter left the church as I was talking about the changes ahead . I had an usher ask someone to go check on her . She came back , but was weepy . This is the place where she has grown up , so it 's natural that the thought of leaving is hard on her . The members were recognizing that today , and a number of them took time to speak to her . They have watched her grow up . . I have explained my departure as a way to provide her with more resources and opportunities . They understood that . One woman made a comment that surprised me . She said not many people would move for the sake of their children . I was surprised , for me , that is part of being a parent . I make many decisions on the basis of what is best for Daughter . Daughter perked up and was telling the farmers that at least she wouldn 't have to worry about the smell of manure any more . They told her that may be true , but she 'd be hearing lots of sirens . They also informed her that the smell of manure was what provided her with the meat she likes so much . There was a shooting less than a mile from our new home yesterday . It looked like a domestic situation - - an attempted murder - suicide . The suicide was successful , but the shooting victimReverend Mom So today we were going to tackle the guest room . Within 5 minutes , Daughter had kicked me out of the room , which was a good thing . I discovered that it had become her dumping ground . I picked up 5 empty blood glucose test strip bottles off the bed . Apparently she cleaned out her diabetes case , but instead of doing it near a wastebasket , she just dumped it on the bed . . Her senior project had been taken out of its notebook and dumped on the bed . Every outfit she has tried on recently and decided not to wear was dumped someplace on the floor . The hangers were under the bed , on the bed , on the shelves . She 'd dumped her hair stuff out on the bed . She was excited because she found the clips she 'd been missing . I think I 'd asked her why the card game was out of its box and there were empty strip bottles on the bed when she decided I needed to leave . She promised she 'd work on it . I sorted and packed 7 boxes of books while she dealt with the stuff on the guest room bed . She spent an hour in there . We 'll spend another hour or two tomorrow . It 's going to take time , but we will get stuff sorted . . However , I will not have another guest room - - at least not while she 's living with me . I don 't go into the guest room regularly , which makes it too easy for Daughter to dump stuff in there . The third bedroom will be my home office . The futon from the den will be in there for guests . Daughter will have to find someplace else to dump her stuff . The sad thing is , I know she will find that place . I 'm not going to stop the dumping , but hopefully it won 't be on the main floor of our home . Posted by Daughter and I met a woman for breakfast in town at 8 : 00 . We were talking about a graveside service tomorrow , and Daughter was bored . She asked if she could walk to the pharmacy with the prescriptions I 'd brought along and take care of them . She was quite proud of herself - - she took in the new prescriptions and waited for them , signing for them and all the refills I 'd ordered on line last night . She made her way back to the restaurant as we were standing out front talking . She told me about all the things that had tempted her , but she knew I was going to count the change and check the receipt , so she behaved . This was a new experience for her , and she was very proud of herself . On the way home we talked about how she 'll be able to do that kind of thing when we move to Capital . . We then went to the grocery store , got the car washed , and stopped at the farmer 's market . I stood in line for sweet corn and they sold the last of it to the individual in front of me . I got lots of other good things , though , so it was still worth the wait in line . I told Daughter she could choose today 's project . We 're going to go upstairs and spend one hour working in the guest room . I also need to fill pill boxes , and I think we 'll go to a different town for blood draws . I 've revised last week 's sermon , so I 'm ready for tomorrow morning . I 'll spend about an hour later today perfecting the graveside service . . One of my rewards will be working in the kitchen with the treasures I found today at the farm market . I 'm planning a couple of different salads , and maybe some apple sauce . I 'm planning to make this a good day . Posted by The mother of a member died today . Today would have been Mom and Dad 's 55th wedding anniversary . I realized today that we will begin moving into our new home on the 1st anniversary of Dad 's death . I told Daughter I was tired tonight . But it 's more than that . I 'm grieving . My parents are dead , and I miss them . They would be so excited that I 'm moving back closer to them . They would be excited about the new church , the higher salary , the opportunity to buy a house , and the opportunities for Daughter . Dad would want regular updates on what 's happening . He 'd offer advice as to whether I should move the lawnmower or buy a new one . . Tonight I miss my parents . Tonight I grieve their deaths . Yes I 'm tired , but more importantly , I 'm grieving . Tomorrow morning I 'm having a breakfast with someone to plan a graveside service . That 's another reminder of my own losses . The grief is coming less often , but it 's still there . This will be the first church that doesn 't know my parents . This will be the first house my parents haven 't seen . Mom won 't be offering advice on decorating and organizing . She won 't be driving me crazy by decorating every nook and cranny for Christmas . . I guess this move has me feeling alone . I don 't have parents to offer guidance and advice . I don 't have parents to share my excitement and joy . I 'll be alone . Posted by Daughter called me today , crying . I asked her what was wrong . . In 4 days it will be next month and at the end of next month we 're moving and I 'm not ready ! " . I told her she didn 't have to be ready yet - - and reminded her that the important thing is that we will be together . That is our mantra . " The important thing is that we will be together . " She 's not ready emotionally , but as I look at what needs to be done and the time left in which to accomplish it , I have to wonder if I will be done with the sorting and discarding in time . We did some work in the garage today , but there is much more to be done . We didn 't even get half of it done . Then I have to attack the basement , the attic and the guest room . It 's amazing how our belongings expanded to fill the available space . Amazing . Posted by Today , I 'm tackling the garage . The garage contains things that belong to the church in addition to my possessions . There are a number of things that need to be dumped out there . I hope that by lunch time I will have sorted through things and will have all the things that belong to me and are moving to Capital in one area , where it will be easy for the movers to find it and move it . I 'm going to make a decision about the lawnmower today , too . I haven 't used it in a number of years , so I don 't even know if it will start . . I packed another 6 boxes of books last night , but books are easy . I need to go into those areas where there are things we won 't be moving and make some hard decisions . It 's going to be a challenge dealing with the things I 'm not moving . Do I try to sell them ? Do I donate them ? Do I throw them in the trash ? . I have a graveside service on Sunday afternoon , so tomorrow morning I 'm dragging Daughter out of bed to meet a family member for breakfast in town at 8 : 00 . She wasn 't too thrilled about the idea , but it will get her up and moving tomorrow . When we get home , we 'll figure out what room we want to tackle first . There is a great deal of sorting and dumping that needs to happen in the next 4 weeks . I told Daughter it would be nice if we could just wake up and be moved and settled in , but it 's not going to work that way . Posted by I received a phone call tonight . The group that is going to be singing on my last Sunday wants to know if I have a favorite I 'd like them to sing . I 'll have to think on that , but I 'm touched that they want to do something special for my last Sunday . That final Sunday will be very emotional . I 'm glad I 'll have someone come with me , as I may be a basket case by the end of the day . Posted by You may not have picked up on it , but I 'm excited about starting my ministry in Capital . I 'm excited about the ways that congregation is different from Tiny Village . I 'm eager to leave here and begin my new ministry . I also know that there are many people here who are going to grieve my departure . It would be easy for them to think I am rejecting them as being inferior , or unworthy . Today I had lunch with a colleague . I was able to share with her my enthusiasm for a new congregation that is so very different from this one . . I love these people . I have formed a deep bond with many of them as I have had the honor of accompanying them through the valley of the shadow of death and other challenging times . I will miss many of them as individuals . I will miss many of the traditions . I will not miss the frustrations , resistance , and short sightedness of this community . So while I can celebrate the new congregation and the opportunity it will bring with colleagues , it 's important that I remember that I still need to be pastor to these people . They still need to know that I love them . They still need to know they can turn to me . . With the congregation , I 'm focusing on the need for Daughter to have more and better opportunities . That 's something they can understand . That 's something that isn 't a reflection on them as a congregation , but on the reality of life in rural America with a special needs young adult . I need to be sensitive to those who are grieving . Too much celebration on my part will seem like a slap in their face - - like a rejection of who they are . I want to leave well . I want them to know that I am grateful for the time I 've had with them , and that they will continue to have a place in my heart . I don 't want them to take my excitement about a new opportunity as rejection of them . . I know what I need to do . I 'm sensitive to their pain , and I 'm so excited about our future that it 's hard not to seem insensitive to their pain . I want to leave well , and it 's going to be a challenge . Posted by Somehow Daughter managed to get into the pantry yesterday without me hearing the door alarm . She took some chips , and the proceeded to lie to me about her blood sugars the rest of the day . I discovered the chips were missing at bedtime . I went into her room and demanded she give them to me . I made her check her blood sugar in front of me . It was sky high , of course . She punished me by wetting the bed . . I am amazed by the skill she shows for sneaking food by me . I should know better than to say good things about her here . . . . Daughter had been prescribed a rather large dose of trazadone for sleep , and when she was doing better I began to back off on it . Yesterday she told me she was having trouble sleeping at night , so I took her up to a full dose . She was dry this morning . She woke up happy . She hadn 't raided the kitchen during the night , so her blood sugar was good . I told her that I had a meeting today , so she didn 't call me , begging me to pick her up . When she got off the bus tonight , she was chipper . She leaned against me and slept for an hour , and then we enjoyed a supper of corn and hamburgers . I 'm going to keep her on the full dose until we 've settled into Capital . . I have decided that when we move , I 'm going to dump her urine soaked mattress . She told me she 'd like to have the bunk bed with a futon on the bottom that is in the guest room back in her bedroom . I 've decided that the third bedroom will by an office with a futon for guests rather than a dedicated guest room . I want to take my big desk , and I want a place where I can retreat to work on things away from our living . I 'm making other decisions about the house , too . I 've decided I 'm going to do some more work and make some more purchases before / as we move in . My calendar is beginning to fill up , and I 'm going to have to sit down and prioritize the things I need to do before we leave . I also need to get serious about packing and about sorting through the things we 're moving and the things that need to be donated or thrown away . . Today I received an email from a woman in Capital . She didn 't get to welcome me Sunday , but wanted to extend her welcome today . I was pleased . I also talked to a man who is grieving my departure . I need to save my celebration and be present with the folks here in Tiny Village . It will be a balancing act , to be sure . Posted by The leaves are beginning to turn . The county fair starts next week . The Big Event at the church is a week from Sunday . Some of the area schools have started . There has been a chill in the air the last few mornings . Fall is coming . Yesterday I had the windows open and was enjoying the cool breeze - - until one of the farmers decided it was a good day to spread manure . That 's definitely one thing I will not miss about Tiny Village . . Actually , there are some farm fields around the area of the Capital church . It is on the suburban edge . That 's why we saw deer in the parking lot when we went house hunting . Of course , that also means that when the economy finally turns around there will be room for construction and the area will continue to build up . . Daughter is having a hard time with the transition . She sees Therapist this morning . I think that we will be seeing Therapist quite regularly as we move through this transition . Fall has always been a challenging time for Daughter . It was in October that her birth family fell apart . Birth Mom moved the kids into a shelter after a particularly brutal beating of one of the boys . The transition back to school was also a challenge for her each year . So now I 'm adding one more transition to challenge her this fall . Maybe , in time , she will see the move to Capital as a very positive thing and fall won 't be quite as hard on her ( or me ) . . Yesterday when she called begging me to come get her , I told her it was newsletter day and so I was stressed and grumpy and she didn 't want to be near me . Actually , yesterday was the easiest newsletter day we 've had in a very long time , but she didn 't need to know that . After I told her I was stressed and grumpy , I didn 't get any more calls from her . I 'll have to remember that line . Posted by Case Manager checked things out in Capital for us . There isn 't any wait for services ! There is transportation ! I almost cried when she told me . I didn 't realized how worried I 'd been about it until I heard we wouldn 't have to wait . I will start the process when we go up to close on the house . Speaking of the house , the appraisal is back - - and is higher than the contract price . All kinds of good news today . I went to the nursing home today and talked to my favorite couple . They heard a week ago . They 're sad that I 'm leaving , and they understand . I 'm sad to leave them . I will miss them . I 've accompanied them through some hard parts of their journey , and that leaves a lasting bond - - for them and for me . Posted by Yesterday when I was walking around the house , the next door neighbor came over to introduce herself . She told me they were a little loud , because they had 6 children . . " That 's okay . Are they all home grown ? " . " Three are . Three are foster children we 're going to adopt . " . " We 'll have to talk ! My daughter is adopted through foster care . " . I asked if any were diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder . She asked what that was . I told her to be glad she didn 't know . She did say the youngest boy has FASD and ADHD . She was getting ready to take him to therapy . . I see this as another God thing . I 'm excited . Posted by We 're back in Tiny Village . I 'm tired , for some strange reason . Today I signed more house papers ( no date for closing yet ) , went through the house yet again , and stopped at two insurance agencies for quotes on home owners and auto insurance . I talked to the Sisters as I was coming home . Tall Niece and Nephew started back to school today . Sister had more news on her ex 's attempts to get a mortgage modification so that Sister can move into her own house . . I know it is going to be increasingly difficult to focus on the needs here as I anticipate the move to Capital . Daughter wet the bed last night , and was trying to convince me she was dying today . She came up with a new one today : in addition to being constipated , she said she wasn 't able to urinate . I was actually concerned for a little while . She was weepy again this morning , and in one of the insurance offices ended up kneeling on the floor beside me so she could lean on me . The agent was a little concerned , to say the least . For her to do that in public is a sign of how stressed and exhausted she is . . Hopefully the return to routine tomorrow will be good for her . She is now allowed to talk openly about our move , which might make things easier . I hope that the people here received the letters tomorrow so I can begin to talk more openly about it . I have refrained from making an announcement on facebook . I got my first facebook friend request from someone in Capital yesterday . I confirmed him as a friend right away . . One big change that will be nice but take some adjusting is the way that Capital uses email to communicate . I know I will come to appreciate that in time . Posted by There have been many wonderful things about living and serving in Tiny Village . One thing I have missed , though , is having a decent office at the church . While I have a very nice study in my home , my church office is a gray desk in the corner of a Sunday School room . There aren 't bookshelves . I can 't lock the door . We have cordless phones so that there can be one on the pastor 's desk and the secretary 's desk . The secretary 's office is another desk in another corner of the same Sunday School room . The printer / copy machine is between our desks . The only windows are stained glass , and don 't open . There is no AC , and the office faces west . It 's hot in the summer and cold in the winter . Here in Capital the church building is modern and completely air conditioned . There is a wall of bookshelves in the pastor 's study . That will be more than be enough to hold my books , many of which are currently in boxes stacked between the desk and the seating area . The danger is my library will expand to fill the available space . That 's Daughter snoozing on the love seat . By yesterday she was exhausted . There are windows that open and have built in blinds . As I was driving to the church yesterday morning , I was thinking about the study . I decided I 'd need a mirror to check my appearance before I went into worship . As I thought about the study , I decided that the best place would be on the inside of the door to the closet . When I opened the door to hang up my robe , this is what I found . We went to the grocery store yesterday evening . It was at least three times the size of our grocery stores in Town . When I tell Far Away Sister about my new study and the grocery store , I know what she will say , because she 's said it many times the last few weeks , " It 's called civilization . " I think I 'm going to like civilization . Posted by This congregation has a trailer they take to go do mission trips , where they do construction projects , both locally and nationally . There are a number of retired men who have made this their ministry . They have told me they want to bring the trailer down to Tiny Village and move some things back up here for me . One confessed that they wanted to see Tiny Village - - they 'd heard about it from the women who visited , and were wanting to see it for themselves . At first I didn 't see much point in it , but then I realized they could move the things the movers won 't want to move - - like the lawnmower , the propane grill and tanks , the gas can , and more of the books . They are thrilled . . Many people had driven by to check out my house . The men want to trim the shrubs . They want the list from the inspection . They wondered if they could start work before I closed on the house . They are eager to do whatever needs to be done . I think that they will more than make up for that 15 % . Posted by Today I preached for the church here in Capital , and they held a congregational meeting to vote on whether to call me . Worship went very well , and the sermon was well received . In my first two calls , there was concern about the fact that I am a woman . Some weren 't sure they wanted a woman pastor . I told myself that this time , the fact that I 'm a woman wouldn 't be an issue . Wrong . . Over 15 % of the congregation did not vote for me . The majority of that 15 % voted no , and there were a few who abstained . I was shocked when I heard the vote , as I had not anticipated that level of opposition . I considered whether or not I should accept the call . I asked the search committee to come to the office where I was waiting . I asked them how they read this . They were shocked , too . They had not heard rumblings . A couple of them had heard concerns about calling a woman because they had a bad experience with a woman who served as interim pastor many years ago . . We talked briefly , and then I thought about the impact turning down the call would have on the 85 % who had voted yes and were so enthusiastic and welcoming . I decided to accept the call , and I went in and told the congregation that I recognized that they had done some hard work on with their previous pastor , and there was still work to do . I told them I had heard their concerns , and I hoped they would come talk to me about them and see if we could work things out . . We went downstairs for a reception . The congregation presented us with a huge gift basket , topped with a ribbon in the colors of the local state university . I asked if the ribbons had some significance . There is lots of information on the state and region ( including a wonderful city map ) and various state delicassies . A number of people came to offer affirmation and support . They told me they thought I was the right person for the position . They told me not to worry about the negative votes . The search committee has developed some theories about the source of those votes . They recently received several members froReverend Mom On our way back to the motel after supper , we drove by our house . It has a sold sign on it . Daughter squealed in excitement . Realtor is going to let us in after we sign the paper work on Monday . . Daughter had a mini - meltdown once we got back to the motel . One of her friends sent her a text about the latest drama at the workshop . That was the trigger , but really it was just the accumulated stress of the day . She did so well , and I was so proud of her . Tomorrow will be easier . Worship , reception , lunch with the search committee . There 's a hot tub here at the motel that is calling our names . We 'll check it out tomorrow evening . . One nice adjustment we 'll have to make - - everything is so close together here . I 'm used to combining errands and finding things to do in Town if I have more than one event there on a given day . Here , it will be possible to stop home or back at the church between events . A number of people have told us that our new home is close to the park where they do the fireworks on the 4th of July . They suspect we 'll be able to watch the fireworks from our yard . Of course , we 're usually at a conference over the 4th of July . I will be teaching the Bible study at it again next year . . I 'm going to go over the sermon one more time , and then go to bed . Posted by At 9 : 30 this morning we met with the staff at the church . From there we went to the brunch , then back to the church where I did some fine tuning of the PowerPoint for tomorrow . At 2 : 00 there was an open house . I shook lots of hands . One of the search committee members took Daughter over to her house to meet her cat and have a break . She was asking me when I wanted Daughter back . I told her I was beyond making any decisions . I had to explain this a couple of times , and finally she said , " We 'll bring her back at 4 : 00 . " I thanked her . . Daughter came back glowing . They gave her caffeine free diet pop and their cat loved her . I previewed the PowerPoint on the screens ( 3 of them ) in the sanctuary . Then we came back to the motel . We arrived here about 5 : 00 . Daughter is sleeping . We 'll leave here at about 5 : 45 to go visit some members in their home . I really like these people . Three generations will be there . Grandpa is retired from the state , and was a compliance officer overseeing special ed . Grandma is a retired special ed teacher and leads the bell choir . Dad does leadership training with the state . We were talking about generational issues last night . Mom works part time maintaining the church website and as financial secretary . The kids are 6 , 4 , and 1 1 / 2 . It will be a fun evening , I 'm sure . . The people here are warm and welcoming . Several have heard where the house I 'm buying is located , and have driven by to check it out . They were all complimentary . There is a new library near our house , and everyone was talking about how fantastic it is . One woman was silent , as another was raving , and I said , " You must not have been there yet . " She acknowledged that was the case . She lives in a different town . . The boxes of books we brought with us this time have been placed in the office . I can 't wait to call this community home . Posted by We have brunch today at 10 : 00 , so when I got up at 6 : 00 , I decided to go down and get us breakfast from the buffet while Daughter was in the shower . I came back with small western omelets , seasoned potatoes , a small piece of lemon poppy pound cake , and milk for both of us . I also had hot tea . Daughter had asked for a muffin , but the ones they had were too big . . Daughter asked if they had decaf coffee . I told her they did . She wanted to go get some . I told I 'd go with her later . " I understand . " A few minutes later , " Mom , I need to go get us some ice . " I told her we didn 't need any . I also told her that I would be taking the room keys into the bathroom with me when I took my shower . She turned on the TV and found some cartoons , so for now , at least , the muffin has been driven out of her mind . She was dry last night . I made her bring her De . pends , and she was determined she was not going to wear them . That should keep her dry at least until Sunday night . In a little while we will head over to the church to meet the staff and have brunch . . Commercial break . She 's thinking about muffins again . I guess I 'd best escort her down to get some decaf . Posted by We just got back to the motel after pizza with the board . It was a wonderful evening with wonderful people . We were talking about generational differences . We talked about children . We talked about politics , and they weren 't extremists ! Quote of the night : " Those who see things black and white are missing some gray matter . " . We have some construction going outside of Tiny Village . The other night I forgot to take a different route to avoid the closed road , and ended up having to drive 3 miles out of my way . When I saw the road closed sign , I said something slightly inappropriate for a minister to say . As we were greeting and meeting the people , Daughter told the story , using the word . They thought it was hilarious . I said , " Well I 'm human . " Someone said , " Now we don 't have to worry if we slip . " . I like these people . I like them a lot . Some had gone by to check out the house I 'm buying . One had looked up Tiny Village on the Internet . All were interested in Daughter , who did very well . She ended up moving to another room to talk to people , and then the host gave her the TV remote , so she was happy . A couple of the women grew up in suburbs near the suburb where I grew up . . Tomorrow the day begins with a staff meeting at 9 : 30 , followed by brunch with the service board at 10 : 00 . My excitement continues to grow . Yesterday I realized that I have received more emails from more different people connected with that church than I receive in a year from Tiny Village . I think I will be able to be myself here . I 'm looking forward to that . Posted by I just got a call from someone on the search committee . I had decided that I was going to spend Sunday night in Capital to take care of some business on the house on Monday . I planned to pay for the motel for that night , and was contemplating moving to a cheaper motel . The committee decided that it would be better for Daughter if we didn 't move , and they 're paying for the motel . They want to make it easy on me . I am blessed . Now I 'm packing up the computer and finishing the packing and preparations for our departure . Daughter has decided , as I thought she would , that she is going with me . Amazingly , she was dry last night . Just when I think she 's predictable , she surprises me . At least it was a good surprise this time . Daughter announced last night that she 's not going with me today . She 's staying here and going to the gift shop . She can 't leave her friends . She belongs here . I asked her to find the list of reasons to stay and reasons to go that she 'd written with Therapist . She refused . I knew it wasn 't an argument I was going to win , so I just held her . She stayed attached to me for a while . . I chose not to argue with her . I know and she knows that she can 't stay home . Having voiced her protest yesterday my prediction is that today she 'll wake up eager to go and be very helpful as I gather the things that I need to take with us . I hope my prediction is accurate . Posted by Once again , Daughter woke up this morning and apologized for last night . An apology is not an eraser , and she never seems able to put her words into action . When she called from the gift shop to offer yet another apology ( and see if I would talk to her ) , I asked her why she had done it . . " I thought it would help my stress ? " . " Did it help your stress ? " . " No . It made it worse . " . I told her I wanted her to make a list of things she could do to deal with her stress , and we would talk about it when she gets home . We 'll see . Daughter has a difficult time with follow through . For several years I have been telling her no new craft projects / kits until she finishes some of the older ones . It hasn 't gotten her to finish anything , but it has saved me money . Posted by I bought some special snacks for in the motel this weekend . I went into the kitchen , and the box was missing . Gone was the calm , cool , collected mom who never yells . I stormed upstairs and demanded the box back . I asked how many packages she 'd eaten . She didn 't know . I demanded the wrappers . 4 were hidden under her pillow . 80 grams of carb . More than she should have in a meal , let alone a bedtime snack she 's not covering with insulin . I dragged her downstairs and gave her some insulin . I yelled about the thanks I get for buying her a treat . I told her to make her bed properly ( she 's back to wetting the bed every night ) . Her response wasn 't very polite . . I came into the study , still fuming , and packed 3 boxes . Two boxes of books , and one big box of art and trinkets that required bubble wrapping each item . I think I used up the adrenalin . It 's time to go to bed . I 've been sleeping with the windows open the last few nights , but when we came home this evening the air was thick with the fresh country scent of manure freshly spread on some farmer 's field , so I may have to stick with the AC tonight . Posted by This morning Daughter got up surly . She was unhappy because I reminded her she had to shower since she had wet the bed . As she was getting ready to leave the house , I said , " I love you . " . She sighed , " I know . " Then she turned to Kitten and said , " Love you , Kitten . " . " What 's this , you love the cat , but not me ? " . She protested , and I pointed out she 'd simply said , " I know , " when I told her I loved her , and then had turned around and told Kitten she loved her . She insisted she loved me , too . . She was distressed when she got to the gift shop . Super Supervisor talked to her , and she is working hard at turning it around . When we talked about it a little while ago , she couldn 't remember what had set her off this morning , just that she had been yelling at me . . I pointed out to her that she is happy when she 's being responsible and cooperating , and that I think she deserves to be happy . She has vacuumed the steps , landing , and her bedroom , cleaned the litter boxes and brought down the dark hamper . She has an appointment with Therapist this evening , and we 're going to get supper in Town before her appointment . . I have the first draft of Sunday 's sermon done . Now all I have to do is figure out the PowerPoint to go with it . All in all , a good day in which progress was made . Will it last ? For a little while . I 'll enjoy it and celebrate it for however long that is . Posted by Daughter informed me she hated me last night . I had had the audacity to inform her that she needed to make sure her room was in order , as I would be checking it . She doesn 't think her bedroom is any of my business . She 's not doing anything major right now , but the little things are wearing me out . . Apparently she hadn 't eaten all the candy yesterday morning . So her blood sugar mysteriously jumped 50 points right before supper . Once again she swore she hadn 't been into anything . I get so tired of the lying . . I bought pull out drawers for the two lower cupboards . I carefully organized the plastic containers and mixing bowls . She refuses to put things away in there properly , so every time she has unloaded the dishwasher , I have to move things around the next time I get something out of the cupboard . . I sat down with her and let her fall asleep against me ( drooling all over me ) for 90 minutes when she got home yesterday . Within 30 minutes of waking up , she claimed I was asking her to do too much and she had to have a break . . I couldn 't find the pouch where I keep the insulin at supper time last night . I told her to look on my desk for it . She insisted it wasn 't on or in my desk . I came and found it under one sheet of paper . . I get tired of having to keep everything locked up : pills , knives , insulin , treats . It is a major inconvenience , to say the least . . She was angry and defiant when I told her she needed to take a shower before she went to bed last night . She had lied to me in the morning about wetting her bed , so she hadn 't taken one in the morning . I pointed that out to her . She got angrier . . Throughout all of this I didn 't yell . I just laid things out calmly and factually . She responds with yelling , name calling , door slamming . Then she comes down and apologizes for being such a jack * ss , and within 5 minutes is at it again . . I know it 's the stress of the move . I understand that . I 'm stressed , too . I 'm also tired . Very tired . I 'll be glad when the move is behind us . Posted by Daughter was up at 4 : 00 this morning , saying she thought her blood sugar was low . Unfortunately her meter was downstairs . I told her she could run down and get it , but she had to come straight upstairs and check there . She took too long , so I knew she was into food . Of course she denied it . Her blood sugar was fine , but she was slow returning to her room . I was tired , and never got out of bed , figuring I 'd deal with it this morning . . This morning , her blood sugar was high . Again she insisted she hadn 't been into any food . I told her if that was the case , she should wash her hands and recheck , because maybe her blood sugar was actually lower . She protested , but did as she was told , and the reading was still high . She again insisted she hadn 't been into anything . I told her I wasn 't stupid , and reminded her it was easier to just tell the truth because I wasn 't as mad as I when she continues to lie . I told her to go into the kitchen and gather her breakfast stuff , and be ready to tell me the truth when I came in with her pills and insulin . She refused , going into the living room instead to sit defiantly . She was there maybe 15 seconds before she said , " Okay , I was into candy . " . I have a candy jar of colorful Christmas hard candy on my shelves . She is allowed to have one piece when she wants it . Last night she grabbed " a couple of hand fulls . " I thanked Daughter for telling me the truth . Today I will give the candy and candy jar to secretary . Tonight I will make sure she takes her meter upstairs with her when she goes to bed . Posted by Miracle # 1 : There is a center in Capital that specializes in DBT ( see previous post ) . Miracle # 2 : They are accepting new patients . Miracle # 3 : They accept our insurance . Miracle # 4 : The newest member of their team is a woman with a special interest in 4 areas , 3 of which apply to Daughter : personality disorders , eating disorders , cognitive disabilities . God is good . We saw Psychiatrist for what I hope is the last time today . She left it open that we could come back before we leave if there is a need . I asked if she knew any psychiatrists in Capital , and she doesn 't . I asked her if I should be looking for a therapist who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder , and she said yes . Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a skill based therapy being used with some success with BPD . I was hoping she 'd say I was imagining the BPD symptoms , but no such luck . . In better news , I talked to the mortgage broker today . He locked in the 4 . 5 % interest rate for me on Friday before the rates began to climb again . He had thought 4 . 75 % would be the best he could do . I was hoping he 'd be able to get me 4 . 5 % , and so was very pleased at that news . . Realtor called today . He checked for electrical outlets in the basement for me . The good news is that there are 3 . The not so good news is that they are not where I 'd hoped . I will be able to plug in my freezer , though , and there will be a spot to set up a TV and such for Daughter to have a hangout area . . Things are moving along . It feels good . Posted by This afternoon was the board meeting at which I asked for next Sunday off so I can go to Capital to preach and be officially called as their pastor . Against the advice of some , I told the board what was happening . Some new , most were surprised . Even those who were surprised knew it was a possibility . Actually , I was surprised by how few actually knew . We had 2 people here to answer some of their questions and concerns , and they had many questions . . They definitely want to get an interim pastor , and want someone here as quickly as possible after I leave . They 're frustrated at the time the search process will take . They are sad , but supportive . My plan was for September 26 to be my last Sunday , and then to move the following week and start in Capital October 18 . The board thought it would be good to have communion my last Sunday . I agreed . So , I 'm still moving the same time , but I 'll come back one more time to preach and celebrate communion with them on October 3 , which is World Communion Sunday . I can 't believe I agreed to do that . It feels right , though . One final visit , and then we 'll be done . It will also be exhausting , and I am probably crazy to even consider it , let alone volunteer to do it . Posted by Earlier this week Daughter and I were having a discussion about food issues . I told her ( again ) that her health is very important to me . She informed me her health was no concern of mine and I needed to leave her alone and stop worrying . I don 't think she was quite that polite . I asked her if she worried about me when I wasn 't feeling good , and pointed out I felt the same way . That ended the discussion , but she wasn 't convinced . . By the time worship was over today , my back was really bothering me . I couldn 't bend over to put some things away , so I had to ask for help . By the time I got home , I was limping . I asked Daughter to fetch the heating pad for my back , and then I asked for her help positioning it properly . She was very concerned and solicitous . She pulled two meals out of the freezer and heated them up in the microwave for our lunch today . She kept asking me what I needed . . After lunch she came in and said to me , " This is what you were talking about this week . " I had no idea what she was talking about . She said , " I think it was about the lying . You said you had to take care of me just like I have to take care of you ! " . I was impressed that she remembered what I said and made the connection . Do I think it will result in a change of behavior / attitude ? Maybe for a few days . But she 's going to have to make the connection many more times before it changes her attitude . The good news is that she is capable of making the connection , and maybe next time she 'll remember today . Posted by Nice Guy 's mom told me he had taken himself off his medication . Since that time , he 's been making some very poor choices . He keeps befriending underage girls . Apparently he 's begun to drink heavily . Last night Daughter was concerned because when she called him he didn 't sound right . He said he 'd call her back after he dropped off his friends and got home . He never called back . She thought he sounded like he 'd been drinking . She was angry with him because he 'd been verbally abusive with one of their friends earlier in the day . . I feel sorry for his mother , who is watching him slowly self - destruct . He has always been very defiant , and she has struggled to get him help his entire life . He 's not an adopted child , but he certain struggles with mental health issues similar to what adoptive parents face . She can 't force him to take his medication . I know there are many people who are completely opposed to psychiatric medication . I wish those people could spend a month or so living with someone with serious mental illness who isn 't medicated , and then see the difference medication makes for them . . I 'm sure Daughter will meet people in Capital who struggle and make poor choices , but I hope she will also have an opportunity to make some friends who are stable and will be good companions for her . That is my hope . Several people commented to me that Daughter looked good and seemed to be doing better these days . For the most part , she is . The lying , though , is about to drive me up a wall . Posted by The last few days I 've noticed something interesting . Daughter is asking me when we are going home . For her , home is no longer Tiny Village . Home is Capital . I 'm amazed that she has decided that is home even before we 've moved . I think that part of the reason she is claiming it as home is that she realizes we 're going to be closer to family . Our last two trips up there family has come to see us . The first time it was Sister Best Friend , someone I 've known since seminary and vacationed with for many years . We do worship planning together , and Daughter calls her aunt . SBF lives 45 minutes away from our new home . The second time it was Sister and Short Niece . They 're further away , about 90 minutes , but we will still be seeing much more of them than what we see now . . We 've never lived close to family , so I am thrilled that Daughter feels such a connection with them that the idea of being closer to family is so good . That 's quite an accomplishment for a kid who was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder . Therapist keeps pointing out that she is attached to me , but we still deal with some of the residue and she still struggles with trust . She 's excited to think she 'll be seeing more of them . For her , this house we are buying is home . She wants to move now . I have begun putting the important dates on a calendar for her , but I still can 't give her a definite date for the move . Hopefully by next week I 'll be able to fill in the rest of the dates , and she 'll have the comfort of knowing what is happening when . I think that will be very helpful for her . . Today has been a marathon cooking day . I 've made jello for her , and have done what will probably be the last round of meals for the freezer . I 've made 19 servings of pizza pasta and 3 pounds of taco meat . Daughter was very cooperative , and I 'm grateful . Posted by Last night at bedtime Daughter 's blood sugar was high . " I wasn 't into anything . " . " I 'm not stupid . Go get whatever food you have hidden in your room . " . " There isn 't any ! I wasn 't into anything ! " She took her pills and insulin and headed upstairs to bed , mad because I didn 't believe her . . I opened the pantry door . " Daughter , bring down the tortilla chips right now . Best bring down any other food or empty containers you have up there at the same time . " . After a moment of silence , she came downstairs carrying a bag of tortilla chips . . This morning her blood sugar was high . " Go get whatever food it is you have hidden in your room . You 'd best bring it all down now . " . She went back upstairs and came down with a bag of croutons . We had the usual discussion in which I pointed out that I was sick of the lying , and how frustrated I got with myself when I believed her lies . I explained again how I torment myself by wondering how I messed up her insulin , and I worry that I 'm killing her . I reminded her again that it goes a lot easier if she comes clean immediately instead of continuing to lie to me , and that I eventually figure out the truth , so she might as well get it over with . I never raised my voice . . She screamed at me that she had to eat the food and I didn 't understand . She stormed up to her room again vowing she 'd never eat another bite and I could forget about breakfast . She accused me of being unreasonable . She came downstairs and told me she was an idiot and she hated herself for being such a screw up . . I reminded her again that she was capable of making good choices . We ate breakfast ( one of my Dad 's specialties - - sausage gravy and biscuits , but I made it with turkey sausage , fat free evaporated milk , and whole wheat biscuits ) . . I reminded her that I 'm stressed about the move , too . I pointed out that by eating and lying , she was only adding to her stress . I suggested I would make sugar free jello and reminded her there was some reduced fat cheese in the refrigerator . I pointed out that both of those were free foods Reverend Mom While I was in town yesterday , I bought some diet pop and vanilla ice cream to make our favorite ice cream floats . We had one after supper , and it was delicious . I carefully reminded Daughter that we could have these daily as long as she stayed out of the pop and ice cream . Today I found the empty ice cream carton ( half gallon ) in the wastebasket under the desk in the upstairs hall . We were getting ready to go out the door at that point . I asked her what her blood sugar had really been this morning . She confessed it had been 213 , not that 113 she 'd told me . She 'll be high all day , and so she won 't feel good . I 'm trying to figure out who might appreciate the rest of the diet pop . It certainly won 't be around for Daughter to have . . I will be so glad when I am able to lock the refrigerator and pantry . It will make my life much less stressful . We will not be going to the final concert in the park tonight . After ignoring my text messages yesterday evening and getting into ice cream over night , she 's due for an evening at home with me . The sad thing is , I 'm punished by all of this , too . I enjoyed my ice cream float yesterday evening , and now I can 't have them because of her lack of control . With a refrigerator and pantry that locks , I 'll be able to have treats in the house . That will be very nice . Posted by There is a ballpark here in Tiny Village , and in the summer there are softball games there several nights a week . When Daughter was younger , she 'd go hang out over there some evenings . Any kid who retrieved a ball from the corn ( or bean ) field beyond the outfield fence got a free bag of popcorn from the concession stand . That made it a very popular place for the kids to hang out . Once she became diabetic , the popcorn became problematic and she lost interest . . This summer she realized that those men 's teams now include some of her high school classmates . Suddenly she likes hanging out at the ballpark again . So yesterday evening she rushed through her chores so she could get over to the ballpark . She told me she had her cell phone so she could text me when she was coming home . . Her bedtime has always been 9 : 00 , so at 8 : 55 I sent her a text : " Time to come home . " She didn 't respond and didn 't show up , which surprised me . It had been delivered . I looked outside and it was getting dark . I looked over in the direction of the ballpark and realized the lights weren 't on . So a little after 9 : 00 , I sent a second text message : " Now ! " Again there was no response and she didn 't appear . I was trying to remember how to do locate on her when she came storming up the steps , furious with me . . When she finally calmed down , I pointed out that I hadn 't yelled or gotten angry , and she was the one who had ignored my texts and stayed out beyond her bedtime . I told her she wanted more freedom , which was fine , but she seemed to be saying by her actions that she wasn 't ready to handle it . I was surprised when she agreed with that . She had been hanging with friends from high school , and she wanted to have the freedom of a 23 year old . We talked about the responsibility that came with the freedom , and how she wasn 't doing so well with that . Finally she told me that yesterday 's games were the last of the season . In other words , she didn 't care if she got in trouble and I didn 't let her go back to the ballpark - - the season was over . . This morniPosted by Daughter told me yesterday she wants to go back to the Sheltered Workshop . Her reasons keep changing : It 's too noisy at the Gift Shop ( it 's quieter than it is at the workshop ) . She wants to be with her friends ( though most of them are no longer at the workshop ) . She wants to work on her job skills so she can get community employment when we move . I suspect the stress of the anticipation of the move is hard on her , and she is trying to run away from it , thinking it is connected with the Gift Shop . We talked to Therapist about it this morning , and had a conversation with Case Manager this afternoon . I have suggested that she try one day a week , and if that goes well , we 'll gradually increase it . I 've also made clear that she has to work if she wants to stay at the workshop . I suspect she may be going there for attention . When I asked for specific names of friends she wants to be with , the vast majority of them are supervisors and administration . Case Manager agreed with my plan , and is going to take it to the higher ups . Do I think she 'll be happy at the workshop ? No . I do think , though , that I have to step aside and give her a chance , and set it up in a way that gives her an opportunity to succeed . We 'll see how it works . Maybe I should set up a pool and give you all the opportunity to predict how long it will last . I think the plan is for her to go to the workshop this coming Tuesday . It will be interesting . Posted by Yesterday I removed the inspection contingency from my offer on the house , and it disappeared from the internet listings . That makes it more real . I am no longer as concerned about the size of the bedrooms , but that doesn 't mean I 'm not finding other things to worry about . . There are little things I hadn 't thought of , but now am beginning to think about . The laundry room is a closet in the half bath off the kitchen . The half bath has a pocket door . I haven 't figured out where I 'm going to hang up clothes as I remove them from the dryer . I guess that means they 'll get put away right away . . There isn 't a washtub or utility sink in the house . I 'm not sure where I 'll rinse out paint brushes and rollers , especially if I 'm painting in the winter . . I don 't think there are any outlets in the basement . The lights are on pull strings , and other than the outlets for the furnace and dishwasher , there weren 't any outlets . That means I 'll have to have some added right away if I 'm going to set up an area for Daughter with TV and such down there . I also want to put my freezer down there , so that will need an outlet . . It 's amazing the little things that are coming to my mind right now . The good news is that all of these things are relatively minor . I 'm glad I don 't have major things keeping me awake at night . Even better , because I was so careful not to buy more house than I can comfortably afford , I 'll have the money to take care of these issues . That 's good news . We saw an area where there had been a water softener at one time . Maybe it had an outlet that I can use for the freezer , and then I can take my time with the other outlets I 'll want / need . . It 's very hard to focus on work here as I think / dream about the move . I did some work on my sermon yesterday . Today I need to work on board agenda for Sunday and go to the nursing homes . Tomorrow I have a breakfast appointment . After the letter goes out to this congregation on the 23rd , I will have more to do as I take care of the things that need to be done before I leave and begin Reverend Mom Daughter has a tooth that 's bothering her . I called today to make an appointment with her dentist . They won 't see her anymore because she has Medicaid . I can 't even take her there if I pay . They were the only dentist in the area taking Medicaid . I understand that there is a dentist in the congregation at Capital who likes helping the pastor . That 's good news . Hopefully she won 't get an abscess between now and the time we move . . Waiting to move is getting harder for Daughter . She 's calling me more frequently with vague complaints . In her most recent call , she complained that her blood sugars have been jumping all over the place today . They 've ranged from 99 to 110 . Those numbers are fantastic for someone with type 1 diabetes . They don 't get much better than that ( normal is between 70 and 120 ) . Those numbers are basically identical given the margin of error on her meter . . Fortunately , she sees Therapist tomorrow morning . I promised her cuddle time when she gets home in a little while . Posted by The last few days Daughter has been bugging me to get a playmate for Kitten . She insists that Kitten is lonely since Cat died , and needs a playmate . I said absolutely not on a puppy , and have been delaying the question of a kitten . Yesterday she started in again , and I told her I wouldn 't consider any new pets until after we were moved and settled in our new home . She was disappointed , and then she explained to me why she wants a new puppy or kitten . . When she sees Best Friend Mommy with her baby , she is jealous , and she wants one . She knows she isn 't ready to care for a human infant , so she wants to get a very young kitten or puppy she could bottle feed and nurture . I have to say , I was impressed . This is a huge step for her . I told her yesterday that we could talk about a kitten after we were moved and settled in our new home . We won 't be getting one so young it needs a bottle ( though I didn 't tell her that ) , but if she is still wanting a baby animal to love and nurture , I may consider it . I 'm glad she 's no longer telling me she wants to adopt a baby . ( Pictures of childbirth convinced her she never wants to give birth - - plus she still is terrified of anything sexual . ) This plan is much more realistic and a better way to take care of her desire to nurture . Posted by Daughter used up her ability to cooperate and be helpful with the books . She 's " too tired " tonight to take out the recycling , empty the dishwasher , and take care of the cat boxes . I told her I thought I was going to be " too tired " to do anything for her for a while . After I took out the recycling and emptied half of the dishwasher , she came storming out to finish her chores . I was not impressed . . When I take a step back , I think she is exhausted from being cooperative and responsible and putting on a good face for others . When I 'm in the midst of it , I 'm frustrated by the fact I never know when I 'll be able to count on her or for how long . Posted by As Daughter and I were headed to Capital yesterday , she was again talking about her plans for her new bedroom . I told her if she can keep her room clean and stay dry at night , for her Christmas present I will redecorate her room . She has been watching entirely too much HGTV , and was talking about the thing she wanted to do to make the room " pop . " Her plans involve pastel green , pink , blue and black . I didn 't ask her what pastel black was . I made a comment which prompted her to tell me , " I want to do it completely by myself . " I managed to avoid shuddering at the thought , but did tell her , " Remember , I have veto power . " . About that time we passed a gasoline tanker on the interstate , that was painted with a large advertisement for its " V - Power . " Daughter pointed it out , " Mom , that 's what you have , you have V - Power ! " I like it . Posted by Daughter and I met Sister and Short Niece for lunch today , and then went over to our future home for the home inspection . In addition to the home inspector , we had a pest inspector and radon man there . Overall the report was good . There are some things I need to address this fall , but I had already identified most of them . The sliding door that was installed backwards also has some rotten wood , moving that up on the priority list . . After the inspection , we went over to the church to leave the boxes of books , and then I met with Worship Committee Chairman and Administrative Assistant ( husband and wife ) . They were great . I really liked them both . We have planned the worship service for the 22nd , and I have been briefed on how their worship service works , and shown how to work the projectors for the PowerPoint . They do things very differently , it will take some adjusting , and it will be fun . They are very open to change and trying new things . . WCC and AA had visited the same little obscure museum near our favorite vacation spot , and had been impressed by the same things . We like some of the same music . Their son graduated from the same place as Far Away Sister and her husband , though in different engineering programs and over 20 years apart . . Every time I go up there , I feel more comfortable and come back energized . Daughter was fantastic . She was delighted to see her cousin and aunt , and she helped unload the books while I was meeting with WCC and AA . On the way home , we stopped at a tourist place I visited over 30 years ago that specializes in turkey . Their entire menu is turkey . Daughter had a barbecue turkey sandwich , I had a smoked turkey sandwich . . We got home almost 12 hours after we left this morning . I returned some phone calls , Daughter took care of the trash . I washed dishes and made iced tea . We moved 5 boxes of books from the upstairs hall to the car , and tomorrow evening we will make the trip to City to donate them to the AAUW book sale . We are making progress , and things seem to be going smoothly . I thReverend Mom Tomorrow will be a big day for us . We 'll leave here before 8 : 00 to meet Sister and Short Niece for lunch , then we 'll go to the house for the home inspection at noon . I have a tape measure and graph paper , and I 've asked Sister to bring her video camera . When the home inspection is over ( and hopefully without any expensive surprises ) , I will call a member of the search committee and we will head over to the church to unload the first 14 boxes of books . . I 'm sure I 'll be exhausted when I get home , but that 's okay . I 'll have more information and will be able to make more concrete plans as I prioritize the things I want to purchase for our new home and figure out what furniture we 'll take and where it will go . I was pleasantly surprised this evening to realize that the living room in our new home is actually bigger than the living room we have here . That will help with the furniture arrangement . . I 'm excited , and I think Daughter is , too . She is looking forward to seeing Short Niece and Sister . Posted by I turn the ringer off on my phone when I head over to the church on Sunday morning . So I was surprised when I picked it up to check the time and discovered there was a new text message . Brother was telling us that his grandmother - in - law had died last night . He was getting ready to go tell his wife . I sent a quick text back offering condolences , and it was time for worship to begin . . When we came to the joys and concerns , I wanted to ask for prayers for the family , and as I began to ask , I realized I hadn 't had a chance to tell Daughter about the death . Oops . I apologized to her for not telling her ahead of time , and then made the prayer request . Daughter was not happy , to say the least . She left the worship service and stood out on the front porch " sobbing my eyes out , " at least , that 's her version of it . . While she was on the front porch , she sent me a text message : " come outside . " I didn 't see it until after worship , but I find myself wondering if she actually thought I would leave the pulpit to go outside and find her . I think her grief has to do with the fact that this is a reminder of the death of her grandparents . Within a couple of hours she was fine . I will go in with my sisters to send flowers , and wonder how much trouble I will be in if I don 't go up for the funeral . I was never that close to this woman , and don 't have the time for another out of state expedition this week . I find myself wondering if it 's realistic to think I 'm going to be able to fit in all the medical appointments I wanted to make before we leave . . . . . Anyway , Daughter has now sent her first text message . I don 't think text messages to me count in her allowance , but I 'm not going to tell her that . Posted by A brilliant friend of mine , Maeve , has family locator so she can track her daughter , who has much in common with Daughter . She suggested I look into it , so I did . I have it set up and activated one Daughter 's phone . The only downside was I had to turn text messaging back on on her phone in order to do it . I blocked it on her phone a number of years ago after she subscribed to several premium services . She 's very excited that she now has text messaging . I ordered the smallest package for her , and told her that if she sent or received more than 5 a day it would cost lots of money and she 'd have to pay . We 'll see how that works . . I like the idea of being able to locate her any time I want to - - of course , that means she 'll have to have her phone on , but I wouldn 't have called her last night if I 'd been able to just log in and locate her . If I do allow her more freedom when we move , it will be helpful to be able to check on her location . I can set it up to automatically send me her location at various times during the day . I think I 'm going to like this . I don 't think she will . . . . I love books . Today I went through the first round of sorting through my personal books . I found a charity book sale that is accepting books , and we filled 5 boxes with books to donate today . I will sort through them again when I pack the ones I 'm keeping , and hopefully I will pull out more to be donated . It 's been harder than I thought it would be . I haven 't started pulling out the professional books I want to donate , I suspect that will be even harder . Daughter packed all the books into boxes as I pulled them off the shelves . I 've packed 8 boxes of professional books I 'm moving to Capital on Monday . I 'd like to get a few more boxes of books packed to take with us . . Sister and Short Niece are going to meet us for lunch before the inspection . I 've printed out some graph paper , so I 'm going to measure the rooms and mark where windows and such are . I 'm working on my priority list . I wrote important dates on a calendar today for Daughter . I can 't put in the date of the actual move yet , but hopefully will be able to figure it out soon . The moving company said they could do it at my convenience as long as I tell them several days ahead of time . They will bring 2 men and 2 trucks , so it will take 4 days in all with the packing , moving , and unloading . That 's actually better as far as I 'm concerned . It will be a little less frantic . My 30 year college reunion is about the time of the move , and Capital is less than 60 miles from college - - it would be kind of nice to go , but complicated in the midst of a move . I 'll figure it out . Posted by Yesterday evening we went to Town for supper and the concert in the park . Daughter was planning to meet some of her friends , including Nice Guy . We arrived at the park and I took my seat in my lawn chair while she went off in search of friends . It was a much smaller crowd than usual , as it was the community concert band that was playing rather than a band they 'd hired that played hit music . . As the evening progressed , I realized Daughter had not stopped by or called me , which was unusual . Then I realized that Best Friend Mommy was over to the side with her baby and Daughter hadn 't come by to see her . I got up and wandered over to the restrooms , scanning the crowd as I went . I didn 't see Daughter or her friends . I began to wonder if she 'd gone off with Nice Guy again . I called her cell phone to check on her . She didn 't answer . She often doesn 't answer the first time I call . Sometimes she leaves it on vibrate and doesn 't hear it . I called again . She still didn 't answer . It occasionally takes her a few calls to hear my call , but she always answers or calls me back . I called again . My call went straight to voice mail . Okay , maybe she was trying to call me at the same time . But my phone didn 't ring , and repeated calls went straight to voice mail . . I got up and walked around , looking for her , my mind racing . Had she gone off with Nice Guy ? Had he made her turn off her phone ? Where could they have gone ? I didn 't have his cell phone number , and the other friends she was talking about meeting didn 't have cell phones . How long should I wait before I called the police ? What kind of car did Nice Guy drive ? Would his mother be home ? Did I have his mother 's phone number in my cell phone ? Would Daughter call me eventually ? Should I go home and wait for her to call ? What if he 'd decided to take her someplace and keep her until the court house was open and they could get married ? What if he was raping her ? What if they 'd been in an accident ? Who could I call to help me figure things out ? . Then I saw her . She was over in a completeReverend Mom I have texted and emailed updates on the house hunt to my siblings . I 've had a number of conversations with my sisters , and brother sent one text about it being exciting and keep them up to date . I thought it was rather strange I hadn 't heard more from him , but have my ideas about why that may be the case . So today I was talking to Sister . She had a conversation with Brother this week and asked him what he thought about my house . He expressed concern that it was a lot of house for me to handle and offered the opinion that it would be hard for someone my age . Sister pointed out I 'm not that old and the house is much smaller than where I am now and has fewer steps . . She told me , " I think he thinks you 're ancient ! " I was always the third parent for him , and his mother - in - law is my age ( his wife is much younger than he is ) , so I think he 's having a difficult time keeping my age in perspective . For his wife , I 'm mom 's age , not sister 's age . There are some other issues , of course . . I noticed that Realtor kept talking about how important it would be for me to have first floor laundry . I find myself wondering if he thinks I 'm ancient , too . Maybe I should think about doing something about all that gray hair . . . . Dad would have been 81 today . I find myself thinking about him quite a bit lately . It was his good financial management that has given me the resources to comfortably purchase my house . He would be delighted that we are moving to Capital , and would want to know all the details . I found myself evaluating houses based on how easy it would be for Mom and Dad to get in - - even though it 's been over a year since Mom died and almost a year since Dad died . I think he 'd like the house and the church . He 'd be so proud . He 'd worry about services for Daughter and how she was handling the move . He 'd want to offer advice on financing , furniture placement , and changes I should make to the house . He 'd love the front porch , and want me to buy a swing for it . He 'd probably buy me one as a housewarming gift , and then supervise its installation . . One of the blessings that came out of Mom 's dementia and loss of her her verbal skills was that Dad had to communicate directly with us . I think all of us got closer to him in the last few years . Dad and I didn 't always get along . We were often at war during my teenage years , but not about the things daughters and fathers usually battle about it . We often argued about politics and religion . When I 'd get frustrated with him , I 'd retreat to my basement bedroom and read my Bible . I found it comforting to think that I had a heavenly Father who loved me when my earthly father was being difficult . . One of our biggest battles was over college and career . He wanted me to go to an engineering school with a strong co - op program and become an electrical engineer . He promised to buy me a new sports car if I 'd agree to go there . I wanted to go to a small , church related college and prepare to go on to seminary and become a minister . I told him I was called to ministry . He told me God had given me a gift for mathematics which indicated a call to engineering . I told him if God had wanted me to be an engineer , God would have given me a love for it , as well . When he finally resigned himself to the fact that Posted by I 've been having difficulty sleeping the last few nights . I go to bed and my mind is racing . One of the things that I keep thinking about is the move . Our new house is quite a bit smaller than this one . I 've known since I moved in here 14 years ago that this would be a problem - - that I 'd never again live in a house this big and beautiful . So last night it was the guest room furniture that had me thinking . Our current guest room is large - - probably larger than any of the rooms in our new house . I had already decided that the futon / bunk would go to the basement . I 'm thinking about setting up a space for Daughter and her friends in the unfinished basement . I 'll put the futon / bunk there as well as a TV and some of the other furniture from that room . I think I 'll put the carpet we will remove from her bedroom on the floor to define the space , and further define it by painting a portion of the basement wall a bright , cheery color . It shouldn 't be a problem to run cable down there , in fact , I think we saw cable hanging down in one corner of the basement . Lying in bed , I realized there were also some shelves in that room . They can go down there , too . She can store games and craft supplies on them . The small desk I will sell or donate . The twin bed will go in the guest room . The wicker chair will find a home in the basement in Daughter 's area . . But then came the problem . What will I do with my sewing machine ? Yes , I have to confess , I lost sleep last night over a sewing machine . Even after losing sleep , I haven 't figured out where I 'm going to put it . That 's one of the reasons I 'm glad we 've moved up the home inspection . I 'm going to go take lots of pictures and measurements . Armed with hard facts , I should have enough information to find spots and make decisions about the items that wake me up in the middle of the night . . . . . I do understand Daughter 's anxiety about the move . It 's one of the reasons I 'm pushing things along at a rapid pace ( it may seem slow , but often there is a longer time between receiving the call and Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
Published on November 25 , 2016November 25 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment As I sit here and write this post , I wish I could tell you that everything worked out in the end . I wish that I could say I 'm successful , happy and enjoying life . Don 't get me wrong , in a sense I am doing / feeling all of those things but just not exactly how and when I thought I 'd be . I often ask myself , am I still the same person I was ? Or am I different and if so , in a good or bad way ? I see the person I am and I 'm not entirely sure I like her . I try to make a conscious effort of who I want to be but I always see the true me come out , but if that 's who I am , why should I change ? I 'm loud , outgoing , moody , funny , childish , silly , helpful , honest , trustworthy , caring and much more and sometimes I wonder if I want to change for me , or change for the people around me and until I make the right decision I can 't and won 't change . On the most part , I like who I am . My parents raised me to be a good person and I think I am only questioning myself now because of this crossroads I find myself at . I look around at the people in my life and wonder if they think or feel the same as me . Are they happy ? On the outside most of them look like they have everything under control , they have their lives set up and are going in the direction they want to be going . Have they always been like this ? Who knows . Some of them may have already gone through this , and some of them are yet to go through it and maybe won 't go through it at all . There is no right or wrong in this situation and I have no control over whats going to happen later on down the track . What I do have control over is how I react to it all . I have control over my mind and thought process and how positive or negative I want to be . I know I will still have my down days as everyone does , but it 's how I use my mind to change it . It 's taken me a very long time to understand this . A positive mind can honestly change your life however , I also know how hard it is to remain positive when things don 't always go right , or , the way you had planned . I have and still am training my mind to see the positive in every negative , it 's not something you can just switch on over night , it 's something that takes a lot of practice . The career path I have chosen no longer keeps me driven . Don 't get me wrong , I LOVE photography and always will but I feel like when I 'm in between jobs I don 't even want to look at my camera and I have a habit of leaving it there to collect dust . I hate that . This was something that I was so passionate about and I loved doing , however , I now feel that spark I once felt is no longer there . I still want to be successful like everyone does , but I want to create my own success . So many people I know are in jobs they don 't like , or don 't enjoy and I don 't want to be that person . For so many years I was in the same routine when I worked in finance and it wasn 't until I got out of that routine that I realised there is so much more in a career than just doing the same thing every day . Don 't get me wrong , a lot of people I know also love their routines and love their jobs , but what one person enjoys , someone else may not . Some days are still a struggle for me and some days are amazing . I have , however , learnt than when I am happy to old on tight to that feeling because any time now it will all change . Something will happen and it will all come crashing down around me - It 's called Cherophobia and its the fear of being happy because something bad will soon happen . I love being happy and laughing until my belly hurts is my favourite thing to do in the world but sometimes I stop myself from feeling like this , because I know that at any moment something will happen to bring it all down . Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this will all be over , but at the same time , I don 't want to wish my life away . I truly believe this is something I was supposed to go through to make me understand something in life , what that something is however , I am still trying to figure out . I know one day I will wake up and look back at this time and be so grateful for everything that happened . I used to wish I was in someone else 's position and had everything they have but looking back at that now makes me thank God that I am where I am . My mum recently said to me " You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now " and I felt that if she believed that for me , then I should too . And I do . I really believe that everything happens for a reason and you may not know what that reason is then and there but one day you will . I still don 't know what the reason for us breaking up is , or me not creating a bigger and better photography business , but , I believe I will one day know . I wish I knew the future ahead wasn 't going to be a bumpy ride , but hey , that 's all part of the fun . I mean , wouldn 't life be a little boring if there weren 't any hiccups along the way , so bland to just glide through life and have everything handed to you . No thank you . I want to work hard and be able to look back and really appreciate today , the way I was feeling and thinking and always wondering where I would end up . Life isn 't meant to be easy , and I am only just starting to understand that now . You must have courage and it doesn 't mean that you don 't feel afraid of creating the ' perfect ' life , it just means that you shouldn 't let fear stop you from creating it . It 's so cliché to say things like " Life is too short " " Life is what you make it " " Get out there and live your life " because everyone 's life is so different , and what is a fun successful way of life to one person may not be to the next person . I know I still have a long way to go , but little by little , step by step , it happens . I don 't want to change the world , I want to change MY world . I want to be able to wake up one day and say " I . Made . It . " I told myself 2016 was going to be my year , where I change my life for the better , but it was so much harder than I thought , that doesn 't mean that it was a total write off , it just means that I have to make 2017 even better . I am so thankful for my parents they have shown me nothing but support and love and as a child you honestly couldn 't ask for anything more . They are the most amazing parents I could have ever asked for and without them I don 't know where I 'd be today . My brothers who are always there for a good laugh and I know have my back no matter what . And , my beautiful friends . I am thankful for him , without him , I wouldn 't be here right now . I wouldn 't have the opportunity to tell my story to let people know that they aren 't alone , and that you will get through it . Yes , he made me feel heart ache , anger , sorrow , hurt and so much more , but he also made me feel love , happiness , gratitude , appreciation , respect , hopeful , passion and indirectly was able to teach me so much about myself . Published on November 11 , 2016November 11 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment I always park in the drive way at my friend 's house , however , this time I thought I 'd park out on the street , just to be different . As I had to turn around , I drove up a little further and did a U - turn in the cup de sac a few meters down from her house . I saw a car that looked really familiar , but couldn 't exactly remember the number plate so didn 't think anything of it . As I was doing the U - turn I saw another car that I thought belonged to another friend of mine , but again , not thinking anything of it as I just wanted to get inside and go to dinner . I walked up the driveway and unlocked the gate , I remember hearing voices around the back but was so concerned with giving my friend a bunch of bridal magazines and looking at how overdressed I was compared to her I panicked and didn 't take any note of what I heard . I sat down and we had the quick " Hello , how are you " conversation . She seemed odd , but I quickly brushed it off telling her " I 'm way over dressed " she told me I was being silly . There were those voices again , I asked her who was here " He 's just got some clients over " . This led me to believe that we 'll be late for dinner and I haaaaate being late anywhere . Her fiancé came down the driveway , all frazzled and stressed . I asked what was wrong he replied " nothing , do you like what I 've done with the drive way " " Yeah , looks good " I replied , not really taking in what had changed . He told me to go with him and he 'll show me what he 's done out the back . I asked if everything was okay , " Of course " he replied with a giant awkward smile on his face . There were balloons , streamers , party poppers , candles , food , friends and my beautiful parents . I was in complete shock ! I tried to turn and run , not sure where I was going to run to but I didn 't know what else to do . I was pulled back in by my friend and just hugged her tightly . I couldn 't speak , I didn 't know what to say or who to talk to , I just stood back for a moment and took it all in . I hugged my parents and asked them why there were here ( very politely of course ) as earlier that day they had told me they had a family friends birthday dinner to attend . Mum said they were still going " but there was no way we would have missed this " . My friend was also there , the one who was busy when I initially tried to organise something , I hugged her and we laughed at how upset I was when she told me she was ' busy ' . She had a cheeky grin on her face that only a best friend could understand . After going around , saying hi and hugging everyone I eventually calmed down and stopped shaking from all the adrenaline running through my body . The place looked beautiful and was so warm and inviting , there were candles set up around the place , lovely warm heaters ( I 'm a winter baby ) the table was beautifully set with cheeses , crackers and heaps of appetizers , there was a wall of floating photos of me with friends and family that they had all sent . My beautiful friend was there with her partner and their gorgeous twins whom I was so surprised to see . There were giant balloons spelling out my name along another wall . It was honestly magical . Earlier that day , I was with a friend of mine and asked if she wanted to tag along to dinner seeing it was her Birthday only three days before mine , she declined and said she already had plans , I spent all day with her and not one hint was dropped , even when she saw my mum earlier , they didn 't give anything away . Nothing ! I 'm usually quite a suspicious person and pick up on people 's behaviours , but this time , I have to admit , everyone did really well to keep it from me ! Once I had settled down , taken everything in had a good laugh and cry with everyone my parents had to leave , I still couldn 't believe they were there and I couldn 't believe this was all for me . Not long after they left , we all sat down and ate some amazing food . As I sat there eating I looked around the table , I knew these people meant so much to me , but , I don 't think I realised how much I meant to them . For everyone to be there who was there to celebrate with me , meant more to me than anything in the world at that moment . I 'm a big kid at heart and love being silly , after all , life shouldn 't be taken too seriously . I suggested a game of musical chairs , initially everyone 's reaction told me that they didn 't want to play , but all the girls politely stood up and we started a game , soon enough the boys came over and joined in . I felt like I was turning 8 , not 28 . Once everyone got into it , I could see the expressions on their faces , they were actually having a good time and enjoyed being a kid again . We also played Chinese Whispers and a few other silly games . I remember standing around playing the games and saying to myself , remember how happy you are feeling right now . No one and nothing can take that away from you . I can honestly say , this was the happiest I have been in over a year and I loved every second of that feeling . The gratitude I felt towards my friend and her fiancé for putting on such an amazing night will never leave me and I don 't think I would ever be able to repay them for what they did . I felt so humbled by the whole thing and for everyone and anyone who helped out or showed up . Published on October 28 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment Over the next few meetings with my psychologist we dove deeper into me being me and why I am the person I am . I began to feel like I had never thought so much about life and what it all means like I had over the past 12 months . I was spending an abundance amount of time on my own that my brain was literally on over drive with every possible thought and every single memory of the past 10 years questioning myself , my beliefs , values and importance . I remember my anxiety and depression getting worse and worse . I was good at hiding it most of the time , but sometimes I didn 't want to face the outside world . I didn 't want to talk to family or friends and I would bottle everything up and keep to myself . I tried to make every day a new beginning and start fresh , but something would happen or a thought would pop into my head and it would take me straight back down again . I remember talking to my psychologist and asking why I wasn 't moving on as quick as I thought I should be . She said " look , it won 't happen over night because you are mourning a loss , and , mourning a loss of someone who is still alive is a different kind of mourning " . It was the loss of my relationship and there is no time frame on it . I could take all the time I needed and no one can force it on me . I know a lot of people in my life just wanted me to move on and be happy , but I was really struggling . I felt like I had taken 10 steps backwards in my life , and they all swiftly kept moving forward . A new gym was opening close to where I live , I thought about joining but questioned if I would actually go . I have always , for as long as I can remember , struggled with my weight . A close girlfriend of mine who is also my oldest friend said she had joined and encouraged me to go . She said we can go together and if each of us was going the other would be more determined to go , so I joined . I had lost some weight for my girlfriends wedding but soon put it all back on once he got home and I fell into depression . Since then , it has been a big struggle to lose it all again and this rollercoaster of weight loss has been going on since . I started seeing some old friends that I used to go to school with and I felt like hanging out with ' new ' people did me some good . They were from a different crowed and I felt like I was able to ' start fresh ' with these friends and get to know them again . We did different things to what I 'd usually be doing with my other friends and I was always laughing when I was with him . Laughing is my most favourite things to do in the world . For that moment , I forget about all the pain I have been in and I 'm happy . Mid May he went away again , this time to Canada . I felt like I had no right to get upset this time , we weren 't together , he was a single guy and was able to do as he pleased , but … I got upset . When he told me he was going , I got a sinking feeling in my stomach . He was going to be away for about six weeks and again , missing my Birthday . He left a few days before what would have been our anniversary . That day sucked , a lot . I tried to pretend it was like any other day but I couldn 't help but remember how we celebrated two years ago . Paris , breakfast in bed , strolls through the streets , Eiffel Tower by night , my heart literally ached . About a week before he left , I decided to start this blog . It wasn 't something that I had been thinking about for a while , it was spontaneous . Something for me to do in order to get my story , thoughts and emotions written down . I felt like the people around me were sick of me talking about him , me , anxiety , depression and life . Again , that 's my anxiety kicking in , and I 'm sure my friends and family were always happy to lend an ear . We saw each other the morning he left , we talked about what day was coming up and I tried not to get emotional but I knew my eyes were tearing up . He said the date is something that he will always remember , something he wont forget . He still cared about me and always will . When he was leaving he gave me a hug and I couldn 't help but cry . I don 't know if it was the fact that he was leaving or the fact that being in his arms was something I had been missing so much for so long and that when his arms were around me I felt protected and loved . It was where I belonged . He told me not to cry and everything was going to be OK . Was it ? I hoped so . I hoped that I was strong enough to move on sooner rather than later and to work harder at being … just me . Like I have said previously , every night before I 'd go to bed , I was determined to make sure that the next day was going to be my day , I was going to wake up and work hard at so many things in my life . Eating better , working out , working hard with my photography and promoting my business and being happy . I read all the ' self help ' books in the world and saved every motivational quote I came across . For a split second or a few days I was so motivated to get out there and change my life , be a bigger and better person , successful and ultimately , happy . As my birthday was approaching , I wasn 't at all interested to celebrate . I couldn 't help but remember my pervious birthday and thinking I can 't wait until he 's home next year to be with me to celebrate . I wasn 't interested in anything anyone wanted to do , I was happy to be with my family and have a quiet celebration . I tried to organise just a small dinner with three of my closest friends and nothing seemed to go right , they weren 't available on the night I wanted to go so I decided to just go out with one girlfriend . I can 't explain the feeling , I was happy to be celebrating , but I felt a gaping hole in me . I didn 't want to make a big deal about it , so I stitched it up and headed to her house . She asked if her fiancé could come , " Of course I said " after all , ' Its just the three of us ' . Published on October 14 , 2016October 14 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment Being the new year , I was determined to make it so much better than the last . I knew things couldn 't change overnight , but I was sick of feeling sad all the time and I was desperate to be happy , so , I decided to make an appointment to see a psychologist . I figured if I was able to speak to someone who knows nothing about him and nothing about me and my life it might make me understand where I went wrong . I booked my first appointment and off I went . I felt sick I was so nervous and , I got there forty - five minutes early ! ! ! I had no idea what I 'd say , how much I 'd say or where I 'd even start . After filling out some paperwork , she welcomed me into her office and I sat down . I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest . Why on earth was I so nervous ? " So … what would you like to talk about " she asked . Blaaah ! ! ! Nothing but word vomit came out of my mouth , I pretty much started at the beginning and told her where it all started , what my life was like , how happy I was , what I was doing for work , my family life , friends , him , everything . I could see she was sitting and staring at me , taking everything I said in . She didn 't write a lot down , but when she did it made me think twice about what I was saying . Did I do the wrong thing ? Is it my fault ? Am I a bad person ? Should I have done more ? By the end of the first session I thought I 'd feel a lot better . I imagined feeling like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders and that I 'd come out of there with a clear mind , but I felt nothing . I didn 't feel better , or different . I was glad that I was able to say what I needed to say without feeling judged . But as for the pain and uncertainty … nothing . I spoke to my mum and told her how it went . " Yeah , it was okay " I said . I don 't like talking about things like that with my parents , I don 't like the fact that they feel my pain when I 'm sad or upset , they shouldn 't have to feel it too . I really thought that after being on medication and seeing someone who I would magically feel better . She explained that these things take time and they don 't just ' magically ' happen over night . I remembered the whole rollercoaster conversation that I had been having with one of my closest girlfriends . I braced myself for the road to come , but was just so desperate to get to the end where everything was ok and I could go back to feeling normal . I knew it would take a while , but I was so eager to finally get there . Day to - day life became a little bit of a struggle , not all the time , but sometimes I would feel really unmotivated and unhappy . There were days where I 'd really miss him , and just want to be with him and I wouldn 't enjoy the company of the other people I was around . Back at the psychologist I started talking more about me and where I went wrong in life to be feeling like this , I always thought I was a good person and would go above and beyond for anyone in my life . I felt like I was being punished for taking everything for granted . Was it because I was stubborn ? Or always took him for granted ? Picked fights over the smallest things ? What ? Where did I possibly go wrong to end up the way we did ? Over the weeks my anxiety was getting worse and worse . I couldn 't stop putting stories in my head of what people were thinking of me . " Look at her , she deserves to feel like this " " Sucked in , she thought she had her whole life planned out " I couldn 't even get in the car without getting anxious at a traffic light in fear of what the people next to me were thinking . When I get anxious I go quiet and don 't want anything to do with anyone around me . I want to sit on my own and process everything . This often comes across as being in a bad mood , or angry and really annoys me . Everyone has a different way of dealing with it , I don 't judge them , so why should I be judged ? ! I couldn 't stop myself from thinking about the past 10 years because reality was finally starting to hit home . I was alone , without him . I thought I had come to terms with what had happened , but boy was I wrong . I began to put on this front around my friends and family that I was dealing with it all . I wasn 't . I was a mess , I became a professional at pretending I was ok , and pretending I was having fun when I was out , pretending to have this smile on my face . I decided it was just easier to tell everyone I was moving along with life than sit there and have the same old conversation with them over and over . Whenever I saw him on the odd occasion I felt instantly better . We celebrated his Christmas at his family friends house and I loved every second of it . It was like nothing had changed . I missed him , a lot , and I felt like he missed me too , but he was already happy , he was going to be OK so I needed to be ok . Published on October 7 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment Christmas if my favourite time of year . It 's when my whole family gets together and has a great time . We have it at our house every year and most years we spend it sitting by the pool and having an amazing lunch prepared by my parents . This year , however , I felt a big hole inside me . He wasn 't there . I know there were a few christmas ' where he was away , but this time he really wasn 't there . This killed me . I wasn 't planning on doing anything for New Years . I couldn 't help but think back to this time last year where I announced to everyone , " This year I will become Mrs … " I felt so stupid and almost betrayed by my self that I had actually allowed myself to think something that amazing would happen to me . 2015 would have to be the worst year of my life . I lost my boyfriend , my partner and soul mate , but I think what was effecting me the most , was the fact that I lost his friendship . Don 't get me wrong , we were still great friends , but to me it was different , I felt he was the only person on this planet to really get who I was , and who I was really able to be myself around and it killed me that I didn 't have that anymore . I didn 't plan on celebrating New Years Eve this year , I felt like I didn 't have anything to celebrate , for the past 10 years we have celebrated together and this year I just felt so lost . I had been invited to a few of my friends parties , but nothing that interested me , my brothers were going to be out and my parents were away . I was quite happy to sit at home on my own . I received one last phone call from a friend where he was able to convince me to go to a party he was going to . It made me think , I could either sit at home feeling sorry for myself or I could go out and have a good time with a few friends . On the way there my anxiety was absolutely going through to roof . I was with one of my friends who was doing her best to keep me sane , but deep down I felt like I was going to crumble . Upon arrival , I felt the party atmosphere smack me in the face and at first I didn 't appreciate where I was , I just wanted to go home and be on my own . " Why though ? " I kept asking myself , here I am with my friends , having a good time and enjoying everyone 's company . It 's so much better than where I could have been . I couldn 't stop thinking about him , he had asked early on in the week what I 'd be doing and when I said nothing , he really encouraged me to go out with friends and enjoy myself . When I found out that night that he was at home and not out celebrating with his friends , my heart almost shattered . Here I was , celebrating with a lot of his friends , and he was at home . The guilt I was feeling could have swallowed me whole . I decided not to let it all get too me too much and try to enjoy my time at the party . I really tried my best to enjoy my time and put a smile on my face . I really felt the love from all my friends around me , I tried so hard not to bring the mood down , I don 't know how well of a job I was doing , my anxiety felt like it was so visible . When I get anxious , I go really quite , I don 't like to talk to anyone , I would just rather sit on my own and absorb my own thoughts and feelings , this makes it quite difficult when I can 't escape from people and I have to interact with them . The clock stroke midnight . I wiped away the tears rolling down my cheeks hoping no one would notice and hugged and kissed everyone whilst we let off some fireworks and toasted to the new year . My girlfriend grabbed me by the hand and took me to a quite place , she just hugged me a let me cry . Part of me felt so stupid and guilty for ruining a good party for her , and part of me was so thankful that I was with her and not at home . I made my way home and as soon as I sat down I couldn 't control the tears . I think because I had just come from two houses full of people to an empty house , I went from a real high to an even lower low . I couldn 't stop thinking about ' this time last year ' and how in a space of 12 months I was in such a different place . Somewhere that I never , ever imaged I would ever be . I thought this year , we 'd be celebrating together and we 'd be so happy that he was home and excited for the year ahead . Published on September 30 , 2016October 6 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment We kept it quite low - key for a while . I let him be , allowed him to settle back into reality and tried hard myself to keep busy . I didn 't want to suffocate him , I knew how anxious he was about being home and having to face everyone , I didn 't want to be another thing he had to worry about . We had our friends wedding the following week and I was quite excited . I was so happy for them and it couldn 't have happened to a happier couple . This time , however , he would actually be there and I think I was quite excited about that too . We were seated next to each other which was fine , I wanted things to be as normal as possible and in saying that , things could have been a lot worse given what happened over the past few months . I went early with him to the grooms house to help out a little bit and slowly but surely people started to show up , I hadn 't seen a lot of them since the break up and I think they were a little unsure on how to act around us but we were acting so normal , we were even arguing about stupid shit like we would as if we were still together and soon enough everyone else started acting normal around us too . The ceremony was amazing and although I think a few of us were going to pass out from heat exhaustion it was still as beautiful as I imagined . The bridesmaids looked gorgeous and the Bride , absolutely stunning . After everything started to settle and life started to get back to ' normal ' I felt myself falling . I started to distance myself from people , friends and family . I found it harder and harder to get out of bed every day . I knew I had to get up to go to work , but as soon as I got home , I would sit on the lounge and spend all day there until I had to go back to work in the afternoon . I found it physically impossible to get out of the house unless I absolutley had to . I literally cried all the time , and if I wasn 't crying I had tears filling up my eyes . When I was around my brothers or my parents , I always pretended I was ok . I didn 't want them to worry , or think anything was wrong . I spoke to a few close friends but not even they knew how I was really feeling , I didn 't want to keep carrying on about how much pain I was in , how I hated everything about my life and how unhappy I was . Alot of them were in the happiest times of their lives and I tried not to take that away from them . After a week of not being able to get out of bed , I finally decided to take myself to my family doctor . I told him what had happened and how it was impacting me on a daily basis . I thought if I went to my doctor first , he 'd be able to fix it and everything would go away , I wouldn 't need to tell my family how bad I really was . I guess they aren 't stupid though , I knew they knew exactly what was going on but were treading on eggshells around me . After a lengthy conversation with my doctor he advised me I had severe depression and anxiety . How ? I thought to myself , sever ? I wasn 't feeling THAT bad … was I ? I knew that I wasn 't feeling 100 % but didn 't think it required medication . I felt I had anxiety , because I now believe I have had it for a long time and just not knew what it was . Once I finished at the doctors and got home , I called my mum straight away , I told her how I had been feeling and whats been happening , she was more than understandable , and I can say that I felt so much better as soon as I told her , like a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulders . Not long after I hung up with her , my dad called , I could hear in his voice he was concerned for me as most parents would be . He told me everything was OK , there was no expectations of anyone , and its ok to feel the way I was feeling . I was taking the medication for a few weeks , I started to feel slightly better , but I felt like I was just telling myself that because I was taking something for it . I knew deep down this wasn 't fixing my problem and I knew that I couldn 't keep feeling like this as I was a burden to everyone else around me . I decided to go back to the doctor and explain to him how I was still feeling , I didn 't want to be in the medication as I didn 't want to become reliant on it . Tags boyfriend , breakup , depression , friends , girlfriend , happiness , journey , life , persoanl , relationship , story , Travel , wedding He . Was . Home . Published on September 16 , 2016October 5 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment The thought of him coming home made me sick to the stomach . One minute I was so , so , SO excited to see him and I just wanted to be wrapped in his arms to take all my pain away and the next minute I couldn 't think of anything worse than seeing him . I knew how much I wanted to be with him , I knew how much I didn 't want things to end and how much I just wanted to go back to the way things were . I knew I wasn 't happy without him , but I also knew I could be happier with him . I buried the hope that things would work out , but I mean , it was us , there was no way it was over . I knew how I was feeling , what I was thinking and what I wanted . I planned out in my head how I wanted it all to go . The only problem is , I had no idea what he was thinking , feeling or wanting . What if he didn 't want to get back together ? I didn 't want to accept that . We were meant to be together , we fit perfectly . I asked his mum to message me as soon as he got home . I needed to know that he was defiantly home this time and didn 't ' miss ' his flight again . I woke up to a message really early in the morning " He just got home " it said . I could not for the life of me get back to sleep . Whats going to happen ? Will he call me straight away ? Will he wait a few days ? Will he not want to see me at all ? What do I do when I see him ? Hug him ? Kiss him ? Or just a high - five ? Do I just burst into tears ? Cry ? Smile ? Laugh ? Do I pretend like nothing happened ? " Just go back to sleep and see what happens tomorrow " So , I did … at about 4am . Late afternoon the next day , I got a call from his mums number " Hello " I answered , " Yoow " He replied , which he always did . This smile just took over my face and I couldn 't control it . I missed his voice more than I thought and for some reason I felt very calm and relaxed . We decided to meet at a local park around the corner to catch up . I called a girlfriend straight away and told her what was happening , I wanted to be sick . " You 'll be fine " she said . " Just go in with a clear mind " It was anything but clear but I went anyway . I don 't know if it was awkward or not , I often don 't feel awkward in situations unless they are really bizarre but I just wanted him to hug me , which he did … It was a friendly hug though , not an ' I missed you so much hug ' . We sat down at a table and both played it cool for a while . He told me stories of his trip , I kind of didn 't care about what he was telling me but sat there with a smile on my face acting interested . He knew I wasn 't , he 's known me long enough to know that I didn 't care what he was talking about . " You don 't really care do you ? " " Nope " I replied . " Sorry " A lot of the rest of the conversation is quite a blur . We literally sat there and talked for over four hours . We went over a lot of what we have already talked about , that we just needed to be apart , we wanted different things , and different ways of getting them . I wasn 't prepared to live a lifestyle he wanted for us and vice versa . I cried during most of this conversation and he said many times , he doesn 't know what the future holds for either of us , he wants to live this life of travelling and not being tied down to anything , he didn 't want the pressure to be someone who he didn 't want to be . I get it . I understand it . But I still couldn 't accept it . Why was he saying these things ? How can he be OK with us not being together anymore ? How can he think of all of the memories we have and not feel anything . He asked if I wanted him to come and sit next to me for a hug , I said no . But I so , so , SOOO desperately wanted him to sit down next to me , put his arms around me and just hug me and never let me go . He was my person . He asked on many occasions did I want to get back together ? My heart wanted to scream out YES ! But , for some reason it wouldn 't come out of my mouth , I knew what I didn 't want in a relationship and I also knew what I did want . I wanted someone who would care for me in other ways than he did , someone to look after me , someone who would put my needs and wants first on occasions , someone who was willing to make sacrifices for me and unfortunately he wasn 't willing to do that . At that point I started to feel I was thinking more with my head rather than my heart . I could have easily forgotten about that last few months and just said " Yes , let 's get back together " but did I actually want that ? I started to question myself . I do love him and I do so badly want to be with him so how come I wouldn 't allow myself to just say yes ? The conversation had to come to an end eventually , I was still crying and in full disbelief that this was happening to us . I truly believed that once he saw me , he would realise that he missed me so much and he was crazy to not want to be with me . I believed that as soon as he hugged me he wouldn 't want to let go , as soon as we spoke he would realise how understanding and patient I am and as soon as I cried he would realise just how much I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him . He would come to the realisation how much he hurt me and that he 'd want to do anything to fix that . When we left , he put his hand out for a fist pump . I just looked at him , he giggled and said he didn 't know what to do . I told him " Hug me ! ! " He did . It was the warmest , heart - felt yet saddest hug we have ever had together . He got in his car , I got in mine and he drove off . I just sat there and absolutely balled my eyes out . I couldn 't believe this was happening to us . I started to hyperventilate because all my emotions got the better of me . A few minutes later , I saw his car come back down the driveway to the park . I immediately stopped and was calm again . " Are you OK ? " he said , " Yeah , I 'm just trying to make a phone call " My eyes all blood shot and puffy . That night , he organised for a few of his friends to meet him at the local pub for a few drinks and invited me to tag along . I really wasn 't sure if he wanted me there or not , but he insisted . When we were all together , it was like nothing had ever happened , we all laughed and listened to his stories and got along with no problems at all . I felt like the last nine months didn 't exist and everything was normal . I attended his cousin 's wedding without him . It was beautiful , my best friend was also invited so I went along with her family . His parents were there and really happy to see me , we all danced and enjoyed each others company and all in all was a lovely day . I just hated that I was there without him . I loved sharing all those events with him , looking nice and feeling good about myself , he always made me feel like the prettiest girl in the room and even though he was on the other side of the world still managed to tell me " You looked really pretty " . As the days went on , we still talked but mainly argued . I was pre occupied with helping my best friend plan her wedding , still having some sort of hope that we 'd work things out and he 'd be home by then and those discussions also turned into arguments almost every time we spoke . I had that much anger inside of me that every time we spoke I felt like I hated him more and more ! But , at the same time , I would have done anything in my power get on a plane and be there for him , I wanted to shelter him from all the hurt and pain he was going through , I just wanted him to be OK . There were countless days that I didn 't want to talk or see anyone . I allowed myself to just sit on the lounge all day and watch movies and cry at the drop of a hat . I had dress fittings to attend with a smile on my face but ache in my heart . Every time I tried on my bridesmaids dress , I just pictured me walking into the church and seeing him there but I quickly removed the thought from my head and remembered what reality I was in . Throughout August we talked a lot and I felt like this was the worlds longest break up , with him only having limited access to the internet it was hard to have a full conversation without being cut off . For our anniversary in 2012 we booked a hotel for a couple of nights in the city . One night , before we headed out to dinner we had the TV on and the movie The Lost Valentine was playing . I heard the quote " Now you have my heart . Keep it next to yours and bring it back to me . I will always Love You " - Caroline . I wrote it down and kept it in my phone . I sent him the screen shot one day when we were talking online and he replied " I will always love you too . Together , not together , other side of the world or in the same neighbourhood and I 'm always here for you too , even if we don 't end up together we will always have something " and to that I replied , " Just find your happiness , that 's all I want for you " . This was my way of saying that I will always love him , he will always have my heart and just because we can 't be together right now , doesn 't mean any of that changes . Towards the end of August , I really started to panic that he wouldn 't be at my best friends wedding , I wanted him more than ever to be there . Before he left , all I could imagine was being at that wedding with him and enjoying our time together . We fought , a lot , about whether he 'd be back for the wedding , I said a lot of nasty hurtful things to him and looking back at these messages , part of me cannot believe I said them , but then the other part of me isn 't sorry for saying them at all . I was hurting , and from where I was standing , he was the one who hurt me . He left , and before he did , made many promises and now he was breaking every single one of them . The wedding was me clutching at straws hoping everything would just fall back in place . When he told me he wasn 't going to be back for her wedding I was devastated . I was holding onto so much hope that he would make the effort and come home , that he would stop being selfish , and for once put me first . I didn 't expect us to get back together , but for him to just suck it up and be there for me . After all , his whole family would be attending … Again ! One night when I was having a couple of drinks with the bestie and I told her that he wouldn 't be home for the wedding she told me she didn 't think he would but didn 't want to hurt me anymore than I already was . I started to explain to her , that as much as this day was all about her I couldn 't help but imagine how it would be walking into the church with a gorgeous dress on , hair and make up done nicely and him seeing me walk down the aisle . I hoped it would maybe help change his mind a little on marriage or at the very least , us . I tried desperately to hold back my tears but I couldn 't do anything to stop them running down my cheeks . I could see the her eyes start to well up with tears too . She put her hand on my hand and I felt that she was feeling my pain . At this point , I knew there was nothing else I could do to have him home for her wedding and I had to just embrace it for what it was and enjoy every bloody second of it . The next two months were going to be really busy for me . I had my best friends wedding and all the events that come along with it ( Bridal Shower , Hens etc ) and the day after her wedding I had another good friends Bridal Shower to start off her wedding celebrations . This all kept me really busy which was great , but I still always had in the back of my mind what my reality was . I still cried almost every single night , every time I thought about anything that happened in the last 10 years I always got tears in my eyes , ( even now writing this ) especially our Europe trip , which , to me means more than anything in the world because everything about that was magical and to think that the person who I shared all of these amazing things with is no longer part of my life devastated me . Leading up to the wedding , we went a few weeks without talking . I wanted nothing to do with him at that stage , I could say I hated him , really hated him . I always said to myself I will never regret the last ten years , but always wish that things worked out differently . Her wedding was amazing , she looked absolutely gorgeous and they were so , so , so happy ! The day after her wedding , I had my other girlfriends Bridal Shower and it was go , go , go for the next few weeks . The week after , we had her hens party . It was so nice to get away for a couple of days and relax . She was marrying one of his best mates so I knew he wanted to be home for this wedding ( finally ) Published on September 2 , 2016October 5 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment He was due home around July 5th with his cousins engagement being a few days later . I couldn 't wait to see him and move on with life . One morning , I woke up to the most heart wrenching message ( it may seem a little dramatic now , but at the time , I felt like my heart was being pulled out me ) He had " missed " his flight , he read the time wrong on the ticket . He was very apologetic and said it was an honest mistake , finishing with an " I love you " . At first I didn 't believe it and had to re read it a couple of times , I saw the sincerity in his message and began to believe it was all real . " K " I replied , " Dont talk to me again until you are standing in front of me " . I expected him to have booked another ticket straight away to at least be home for another cousin of his wedding ( I know , I know ! They 're Egyptian , there is a lot of them ) two weeks later and I had pressured him into making sure he was home so I didn 't look stupid in front of his family again ! Paragraphs and paragraphs of messages were sent backwards and forwards about how disappointed I was in him and how much I hated him for what he was doing to me and that everything was his fault . Reading back on these messages has been incredibly hard for me , and looking back I kind of see where it all went wrong , but at the same time , I 'm not sorry for acting ( or overreacting ) the way I did . I was filled with so much anger and in a sense I guess it had been building up over a few years . He advised he now didn 't want to come home to ' face the music ' he couldn 't be the person that we all wanted him to be . " Your not even trying , I know your not , you are so pathetic " " What exactly are you doing right now ? How the fuck are you living ? How are you eating ? What country are you even in ? " I was raging with absolute hatred for him , I was so angry with him , but , was I also angry at myself ? I didn 't know , I had a million and one things running through my mind I didn 't know what to think about him , about us or about our future . " I don 't give a fuck what kind of hard time you are going through , you have been going through a hard time for nine years " . The thing with him was , he was always so smart , in nearly every aspect of his life , he knew what he wanted , he was also so driven and was determined to work hard towards his goals but at the same time , he was so lost and half the time he had no idea what he wanted in life . I think it came down to him being split down the middle with either following suit of what everyone else around him was doing and following the ' norm ' of society just to fit in , or to go against the grain and live his life the way he believed it should be . He struggled with his for a long time and I know deep down it hurt him more than he ever led on . He was the kindest human being in the world , and carried a lot of pain between trying to please his family , friends and of course me and trying to fulfil his life of things he wanted to accomplish without disappointing any of the people who he cared about most . I knew all of this , I knew the pain he was in and the confusion he was going through but at this point in time , I couldn 't care less . I didn 't care what he was going through , I felt like I had been dealing with it for nearly 10 years and I was over it . " I cannot stand the thought of you ! You have no idea the sleepless nights I 've had . The anger inside of me makes me physically sick ! " " I 'm sorry that I 've hurt you so much , I really am , it was not my intention . You knew I wanted to travel for a while and I don 't know what to say , I 'm sorry , I love you " he said . I knew he was sorry , and I knew he had absolutely no intention to purposely hurt me but I was hurt beyond words and I truly believed that if he knew how hurt I was because of him , he would have come home . This is true . And , I hate admitting it . I wont necessarily say that I was always trying to pressure him to be someone he wasn 't , because I LOVED everything about him , I just wished that sometimes he had more stability . I would encourage his beliefs , protests and goals but I also wanted to encourage him to think about and work towards our future , our relationship and our goals as a couple and towards the end of our relationship I started to realise this was never going to happen , he was to head strong in trying to save the world and fight for what was wrong with the world , rather than fight for our future . I always told him , " You can live whatever life you want , as long as you are coming home to me at the end of the day " and I always swore I would stand by that , as long as he was taking care of me and his family and we were a priority in his life then I would always encourage and support him in every other aspect of his life , but I felt I wouldn 't be a priority and I would have to battle the other part of his life for the rest of our relationship . " I 'm getting away from all the drama and noise to try to figure me out like you keep telling me . I 'm also getting a chance to live a particular way , in say , a collective house and seeing how much I want something like this to be a part of my life " That was it for me . I was done . Those are the words I didn 't want to hear . I finally came to the realisation that I had lost my battle , I let him slip through my fingers after holding on for so long . He was my person , we all have that person and he was mine and I lost him . I was completely broken . He kept pushing for a break and not necessarily a break up . In hind site it probably wasn 't such a bad idea , but , I don 't like to live with regrets and the unknown will always be there , but where would we be if it was just a break ? Maybe still in this same position ? Who knows ? I can 't live my life now wondering what would have happened cause that would just be torture . " We are officially done . You have chosen that life over me . I am over it all . I honestly hope you find whatever it is that you are looking for , and that you are so happy with this life that you chose and I really mean that . I hope you find happiness one day . The past nine years have been absolutely amazing and I wouldn 't change any of it for the world . I will always , always Love You . Always . I cried to my mum , which I never do . I sobbed in her arms and just wanted her to take all my pain away . After all , our mums are our super heroes and they can do those things right ? ! She told me she knew things weren 't okay for a while , she knew something was wrong with the way I had been acting , and here I was thinking I was being so strong and able to cover up my emotions . She told my dad what happened , he did the same and just hugged me . They loved him , and loved that he loved me , but I guess in a sense wish he made some different decisions . The next day , I was meeting up with a family friend of his who I have become quite close with over the past few years . I mentioned to her what happened and told her that I was going to see his parents that night to explain everything to them . She offered to come with me for support . When we arrived , his mum was so happy to see us . I get along very well with his parents , our families always got long too so for me , I was just breaking up with him , I was breaking up with his parents and family which , over nearly 10 years have become my family . I was physically shaking when I started to tell her what happened . I had a massive headache from trying to keep my tears from flowing down my cheeks . I saw the smile from her face drop and her heart sink . She asked me to stop and if she could call his dad downstairs . I don 't think I stopped talking for about twenty minutes , I just said everything that was on my mind . I told them how I felt , what had happened between us , how I had been feeling , what we had been saying to each other and I did not hold back . I was very upfront with everything I said to him . I think they were just as devastated as me , they didn 't want to believe it . They love their son more than anything in this world , but they could also see the hurt I was going through and they felt it too . It was nothing like I expected , we all cried and hugged and cried some more and talked for hours . The last thing I wanted out of all of this was to hurt and disappoint them . After our discussions they understood where I was coming from and were just as heart - broken as I was . They told me they loved me and that nothing will change between them and me . They said they weren 't sad because of him , they were sad because they were losing their daughter . Published on August 26 , 2016October 5 , 2016 by rosiemillaLeave a comment I have always been upfront with what I wanted in my life and more so in the last few years . I had my life planned out in my head , I knew what was going to happen and how I would live . The whole travel experience wasn 't planned , but it turned out to be one of the best of my life . I didn 't exactly have every single detail planned to the T , but I knew I would finish school , find a great job , eventually fall in love , get married , have kids and live happily every after . I really didn 't think that was too much to ask for , after all I thought it was quite realistic and ' normal ' . I hate using the word normal because over nearly ten years , I was slowly taught that there is no such thing has normal but for whatever reason , I was unable to accept any other way of life , I wanted what I wanted . I felt I had given so much of myself and it 's almost like I got fed up with everything overnight . I think there was so much going on in my head that I exploded with frustration . " Ive given you everything . You have always been my number one , you have always come first in my life . I haven 't in yours and I don 't think I ever will " I blurted out in a message and I truly believed this , and this time I wasn 't scared to say it to him . Everything I ever did I always thought of him , it didn 't matter how big or small it was , I always had him in mind . I don 't think it was the same for him and still to this day I truly believe that . I 'm not denying that he loved me , because I know he really loved me , but I just don 't think I was as high a priority as he was for me . He got angry . Really angry . Obviously he disagreed with what I said . " This has been a two - way relationship , you really think that you are so much better than me and that you 're perfect and I 'm the fucked one " . Wrong . He was amazing ! Pure sole , kind heart , generous , funny , outgoing , adventurous , sweet . The list literally couldn 't end . He was lost , I didn 't care , I didn 't care about what he had to say about anything else in his life right now , our relationship was on the line . He has been ' lost ' for ten years , he never knew what he wanted to do with his life , every time he found something , he would lose interest in a few days . I was just so angry that this is what he was saying to me . Marriage to me was more than just the white dress and big party . It was about us committing to each other , our future our life . Yes , of course , I dreamed about the white dress and the day that fairy tales are made out of , but over the years he really grounded me with what a wedding is supposed to be , as ironic as that sounds . He helped me see what it should be about and not what it could be about . I don 't think he believed me very much , he still thought I wanted this big , extravagant over the top thing but after being to a few weddings over time , I wanted nothing like that . I never questioned how much we loved each other , ever . But was love enough ? To simply love someone with everything you have , can this hold everything together ? I truly believed that love could conquer everything , especially for us . There isn 't anything that we had been through before that could get between us , why all of a sudden is this making me question all of that ? I started to hit this brick wall with myself . Over thinking absolutely everything in my life . I had so much time on my hands and I spent most of the day on my own , all I could do was think and think and think . Could this be good for me ? Who knows , I was never one to enter into such deep though , I was always happy to plot along in life and just go with the flow , I never questioned anything , this is how it has happened all around me and this is how it will happen for me . There is nothing that could come between us . I needed to be patient he was going to come home and we were going to work this all out . We broke up … for a week . I didn 't tell anyone because I knew that it wasn 't going to follow through , I knew that there is no way in this world that we would let something like this come between us . I asked him to be home for my Birthday and he said he would definitely try . Within a matter of days , we were back to normal , I so desperately wanted to put it all past us and just move on , allow him to be in his element of travelling and enjoy spending this time with his family in Egypt . Unfortunately he didn 't make it him for my Birthday , he was unable to get a ticket in time , but it was ok , his cousins Engagement party was only a few weeks later and he assured me he has booked his ticket and would be home in time for that . I couldn 't wait , part of me felt really guilty and only wanted him to be so happy , but the other part of me wanted to be selfish and not give in to what I wanted . And , no it wasn 't just about marriage , and I can 't seem to get that out of everyone 's heads ! Yes , for a while it was , I mean , what girl doesn 't want to eventually settle down with her partner of nearly 10 years ? ! It was more about starting to take our future seriously , will we get married ? If not , lets move forward already ? Buy a property , move overseas ? Have a couple of kids ? Start a business together ? Just SOMETHING . What ever it was going to be , it was going to be ok , he was going to be home soon , and I was going to do my absolute best to be so open - minded and conscious of his needs and wants too . Leading up to the engagement party I couldn 't control my excitement ! He was going to be home soon , things would be back to normal and we were going to move on . It couldn 't come quick enough . |
Everyone 's been so kind , asking how Mom is doing . She is doing as well as you might expect . Spend 57 years married to someone , even though caring for him the last few years took up nearly all of her time and energy , even though at the end his dementia made him agitated and angry and often hard to be around , even though all of those things , when that person is no longer there , they leave an enormous void . It takes a fair bit of time to figure out how to fill that void . It is not a light thing , even though it was expected , to lose a father like mine . He was bigger than life , bigger than mountains to me . He was often very difficult to absorb , he could be extremely difficult and temperamental and he had little tolerance for your feelings . He was also wickedly funny and had the biggest , best laugh . He loved his family more than anything and I have so many wonderful memories from my growing years . Dad gave me the gift of his time and attention , over and over again . He wasn 't just teaching me how to change the oil , steer out of a spin on ice , hitch up the horse trailer and back up my rig . He was giving me the best of himself . We bonded over horses and sports . He never missed a basketball game , not once that I can remember , though I would have appreciated him not telling me to jump higher so often . ( I 'm TALL , Dad , I don 't HAVE to . ) He was in hospice for the last month , first with a home care team and then , at the end , at Hospice House . They were wonderful . His propensity to drop the F bomb on a regular basis ( also my inheritance , apparently ) didn 't faze them one bit . He lived a good , long life . He loved and he was loved . He was boundless . We will miss him , and come spring we will take his ashes to the salt water and we will raise a glass ( or three ) in his honor and we will tell stories . Some of them will even be true . The first house we lived in when I was a kid was a little brick rental on the 125th block of Fremont Avenue . The houses across the street from us backed up to the power lines which backed up to a large cemetery , where I learned how to fall off my bike while riding downhill . On my birthday . I also got a Chrissy doll that birthday , the doll with the hair that " grew " by pulling it out of the top of her head . I remember sitting at the kitchen table holding my new doll between my knees , pulling her hair out and pressing the button to wind it back inside the hole on the top of her head with one hand and holding a washcloth full of ice against the road rash on my lips and chin with the other . We had a mix of families with school - age children and older couples in the neighborhood . My brother Ken hung out with Chris and Jay and I played with Kirsten and Jay 's little brother Rich until Kirsten moved away . Rich and I still played together although sometimes he got tired of me and hung out with the big boys . I would try to catch up to them when this happened but they were mostly successful in their evasion efforts . Right next to us lived the Lawlers , who tended to drink a little too much and got into extremely loud screaming matches with one another . Often Mr . Lawler would be dispatched to the detached garage where he would sleep in his car . One night they were having a particularly contentious argument . On his way out to the garage Mr . Lawler decided to stand in the back yard and get a few more words in edgewise . He woke up my Dad , who got up and made his way into our back yard . Mr . Lawler apparently took offense to my father 's request for him to shut the hell up and go to sleep . He started yelling at my Dad , which pissed my Dad off to the point where he finally just hauled off and punched Mr . Lawler . It was spot - on to the chin and Mr . Lawler dropped like a bag of rocks . Dad crawled back into bed afraid he 'd accidentally committed a homicide . He whispered to my mom , " If anyone asks , I never left the bed tonight . " Mr . Lawler did survive the incident , although one summer afternoon while drinking with a buddy of his on his back deck he was overheard saying " . . . and then the sonofabitch just up and cold - cocked me ! " I guess he wasn 't drunk enough to forget . Not long after that my parents had the chance to buy a much bigger house for not very much money . It had been standing vacant for several years after the owner died , and her son was eager to unload it . Vagrants had been using it as a flop , so there was not only a lot of renovation to do but some pretty horrible messes to clean up . My Dad did most of the work on his own in his spare time . At the time it was one of the biggest houses on the street , and it was very old . It still had a coal bin next to the oil furnace that had replaced its coal - burning predecessor , and a full basement with workshop . It had a detached garage and another outbuilding that must have been used by a gardener . It had both a formal living room AND dining room . My brother and I had bedrooms upstairs , both with enormous walk - in closets . My bedroom had built - in floor - to - ceiling bookshelves . Those shelves were filled with books and I read almost all of them . My ceiling was angled with the pitch of the roof and in the back of my closet there was a square piece cut into the wall that you could pull out . Behind it was empty space , a small corner of the roof and ceiling below that was between my closet and the bathroom wall . On more than one occasion the thought of that empty void gave me the heebie jeebies . I remember sitting on my bed and listening to a recording of Dicken 's Christmas Carol on my record player . Right about the time Marley 's Ghost was talking to Scrooge and jangling his chains , my Dad called me for dinner and turned all the hallways lights off as a little joke . It nearly scared the piss out of me . The property also included a vacant lot next door and behind that a small two - bedroom house which we rented out for a while to a lady and her daughter . The daughter had been in a car accident and broken her back . She was in one of those halo contraptions that included four screws into her skull to hold everything stable and had to sleep in a specially designed bed they kept in the living room . I would go visit from time to time and the sight of those screws going through her skin made my knees feel funny . After my Grandpa died my Grandma moved into that house for a little while . Our dog Queenie stayed with her , and as Grandma was one of those women who showed love through food , Queenie got quite fat . Even after we left the city and she became a country dog she never was able to retain her former figure . I 've lived in many houses since then , some for even longer than we lived in that big old house , but for some reason it is the home that figures most prominently in my dreams . Countless times I 've dreamed that I lived in it again , or visited it or it appeared in passing in a dream about something entirely different . Since moving back to Washington I 've driven by it a few times but have never managed to find anyone home . I 'd love to see what it looks like now that I 'm grown up . Childhood memories tend to add a size distortion to spaces . Nothing is nearly as big as I remember . My children now have vague recollections of our house in New Jersey . I wonder sometimes how long we 'll stay in our house now , and what their favorite memories will be of it when they are all grown up . I think this is why I love old houses . New houses can be anything you want to make of them ; old houses retain the memories of all who have lived there before . Even renovated , the bones of the house still remain . When we bought this house the doorjamb in the kitchen still had all the marks where the previous owners recorded their son 's growth . I left them as they are and my kids ' own growth record is on the opposite side of the same door jamb . I 'm sure someday someone will paint that mess over , but it won 't be me . I was in the 8th grade when my mom turned forty . A couple of years before , at the end of my 5thgrade year , we had moved out of the city to an island in Puget Sound . On a small two and a half acre hobby farm Mom transformed from urbanite to country denizen , planting a garden , learning to haul her daughter around to horse shows and riding lessons , tending a flock of chickens and all the other sundry things that rural life involves . The year she turned forty , Mom entered what I tend to think of as her " real " life - - now that my brother and I were less dependent , she had more time and energy to invest in the things she wanted to do . It started out with a daily walk and a few friends who were also interested in getting in better shape . Before long she was race walking over 3 miles a day , entering 5K and then 10K events . By the time I headed off to college what had begun as a daily walk had turned into overnight mountain hikes in the Olympics . When my Mom was in her fifties she had better looking legs than most women a quarter of her age , and she had the stamina to match those muscles . Thanks to my mom I 've grown up with a terrific example of the benefits not only of exercise , but of taking the time to do what you enjoy . When I bought my midlife horses five years ago I think one of the last things I expected to ever be doing was to ride in a horse show again . My years of circling a ring were a long time ago . The last few years have been more about enjoying my horse , but what I 've found is that enjoying my horse naturally leads me to wanting both my horse and I to grow in what we can do together . We progressed from general trail riding to mounted orienteering , then last summer we started working at cow sorting and re - learning how to ride english - and we started jumping . Whenever I can I take my horse to clinics and events that I think will help both of us improve what we already know and find new things to try . With the encouragement of a couple of my friends , this past weekend I entered my first horse show in almost thirty years . I didn 't go with any pretense of thinking I 'd win a bunch of ribbons . For one , it was a schooling show , which is a much more relaxed environment than a straight - up show . You can use training aids and you don 't require formal show clothing . Because Bugs had never been in a horse show environment I thought it would be a great learning experience for him - and it was . I was so damn proud of that horse . He 's a big , energetic boy , very forward and all GO . I usually have to wear him out a little bit before he can become smooth and relaxed . Saturday was no exception , but we had a great judge and he was very generous with providing feedback and suggestions . We entered eight classes - and came home with eight ribbons . Even a first place ribbon , but I take no pride in winning the Novice Western Horse class with only three riders , one of them about seven years old on a Bashkir Curly horse named Peaches . I do take pride in how far my horse and I have come together . He teaches me and I teach him , and together we are having great adventures . I 'm way closer to fifty than I am to forty anymore , but thanks to my Mom I know that I 'm really just in the early part of my adventure years . Mom knew it before I did - - there is no age limit on discovering something you love to do . Many of the women I encounter on the trail and at clinics and other events are my age and older . Some have been riding their whole lives ; some discovered riding after their kids grew up and are getting as much time in the saddle as they can . One woman who I met at a clinic is in her 70 's , still active and still riding . I want to be that person - - the one where all the kids on the trail ride go home and tell their friends about : There was this lady on the ride that was like 90 years old . When I pulled in to the horse show on Saturday morning , just me and my horse , I felt a little out of place . I didn 't know anyone there . SG would be arriving later . My friend Debbie was nowhere in sight . I filled out my entry form , paid my fee , got my number and put the final grooming touches on my horse . While I was standing outside waiting for my first class to be called , who should drive up but Mom . How apropos that the first person to show up and offer support at my first show since the late 1980 's was the woman who taught me that life begins in your forties . I love the way memory is so intricately connected to the senses . A smell , a taste , a song can take me back along the timeline of my life , often to a place or person or event I 've not thought about in years . There are times when the reverse is true as well - - a memory will evoke a sensory response . I look at a picture of me cradling my infant daughter and I can smell milk and lavender - scented baby wash . I can flip through an album of old remodeling pictures and remember the feeling of being caked with soot and fine black dirt from taking four layers of roofing material off our old house . I have tons of photo albums full of images I really should put in digital format to preserve them . For every picture that was developed and put into an album , there are about five more that didn 't make it into the highlight reel of my life . Those photos and all of the duplicates that didn 't get given to friends , relatives or grandparents , they are all in a plastic bin in the extra bedroom . The last time I really went through them is when my ex and I divided our belongings and I needed to go through and give him an equal sampling of our joint history as captured on film . The problem with going through that box is that what started off as a planned one - hour project quickly turned into a four - hour journey into the recesses of memory . I need to go through that box and get its contents put into a more durable format , and right now I don 't dare . I would love to tell you I live life with no regrets , but the hubris of saying so would only invite the Universe to go right ahead and unleash the Kraken . There are people I 've lost touch with that I wish I hadn 't . There are people I 've hurt that I wished I hadn 't . There are people I 've loved that I wished I hadn 't . Choices I 've made that were so monumentally stupid that I 'm shocked it was me that made them . As many regrets as I may have , marrying my ex and having our children is not one of them . Sure , there were times during our separation and divorce that I wondered if it had really been worth it , but that was mere misery beating its breast . My children are the greatest treasure of my life , and I would not trade one moment with them for any amount of money , comfort , or success . I don 't make that statement lightly ; In the past months I 've had career opportunities dangled in front of me that were definite steps up the ladder in terms of title and income . Two questions I asked myself : 1 . Is there anything so wrong with my life right now that I would consider making a dramatic change ? My babies are not babies anymore , but they aren 't teenagers either . The years remaining where they will really need me the way they do now are few . I see no gain in wasting what small time I have left of their childhood . Its not selfless ; I worry less what they would think of me if I treated my career as being more important than their needs . I worry more what I would think of myself if that were true . When it comes to my children , the only possible regret I have is that I have only two . Before I met SG I didn 't give it much of a thought . In the last year or so , however , its been an oft - discussed topic . I 've examined every ramification and rejected all of them up until the realization that one reaches a point in life where it is no longer optimal to be pregnant or raising an infant . I don 't want to be depositing my youngest into Kindergarten when I 'm 52 . Its just water under the bridge now , but that doesn 't mean my soul is yet fully convinced I should be done having babies . If anything I wish that I 'd started earlier . I was already considered to be in " advanced maternal age " when I had my daughter . Three months shy of my 40th birthday I delivered my son . By the time it would have been about right to consider another baby , we were in the throes of a cross - country move which was soon followed by a string of diagnoses and eventually the end of a marriage . I 'm left to imagine who a child of this marriage might be . Every time the kids say they wished they had a little brother or sister I feel a sharp pang of loss for the alternate life 's journey where I wasn 't on the wrong half of my forties or had gotten my shit together a lot sooner . An alternate timeline where I met SG more than a decade sooner , or wasn 't so old now or where we hadn 't chosen permanent options regarding fertility . The days for babies are over for me . All that 's left to me now are pictures , videos and the occasional pang of regret . The reality I live in is truly sufficient ; I am fulfilled by my relationships with my family . There is nothing that I need that I do not have in abundance . Sometimes , though , its not the things you need that trip you up ; its the things you think you want . When I was very little , a neighbor died and gave us a piano . My mother was the only person she knew who played , and so she made a specific bequest in her will . I took to it like a duck to water , and it wasn 't long until my father had to draw a line in the sand : Either that kid gets lessons or I get out the chainsaw . And so began my first passion : music . We had that piano until I was well into college , and I took fourteen years of lessons on it . I love to play . I 'm not a concert - level pianist , I lack the true gift for that , but I can sight read like a house on fire and I can sing . When horse therapy isn 't possible due to weather or timing , music therapy is where I turn to ease my troubled soul . As a kid whenever we had a dinner party my mom would sit me down at the piano and I would play all of our favorites out of a big hardbound book of standards . I knew most of the popular songs from the first and second World Wars and every hymn in the Episcopal hymnal . Everyone would sing along , and no evening was complete without a round of When Irish Eyes are Smiling , during which my mother would inevitably cry as it is the song that reminds her most of my grandpa who died when I was seven . There has always been a piano . Until last year . When my divorce was final , my ex got the piano we 'd been given by his parents . It was from his family , so it was only fair , but it was painful for me as I was the only person who for a long time ever played it . When he finally arranged to pick up the household furnishings that were his , the one thing I hated to see go was that piano . Christmas last year was the first time in more than 40 years I didn 't have a piano to play and sing Christmas carols with . Oh , I made do with my guitar , but it really wasn 't the same . A few months ago I found an old Vose & Sons cabinet grand on craigslist . Over 1 , 000 pounds , with a rosewood cabinet and original ivory keys , it had been in the owner 's family since the day it came new off a Boston showroom floor in 1890 . It hadn 't been tuned in nearly two decades so it was hard to tell if it was going to be able to be put into playing shape , but he only wanted $ 350 for it and so we brought it home . It cost more than twice that much to have it moved to our house and to have it repaired and tuned . It had a cracked base stringboard , a broken string or two , and all of the pegs needed to be reset and glued in so they would hold tune , but it was worth every penny . Once it was repaired and set back on its feet , the beautiful tones it produces told us we had made a good choice . Its holding pitch and with those long strings I can really crank up the v0lume when I need to blow off steam or raise the roof with joy . Our piano is worth so much more to me than just the cost of buying and repairing it . Like my horses , piano is one of the things that I do that makes me feel like my puzzle piece is in the right place . We make a lot of music in my house , and it is time for the torch to be passed to the next generation . My kids got their first piano lessons yesterday . Its hard to put words to all that I was feeling and thinking of as they each sat at the piano and learned to find Middle C , to identify first through fifth fingers on each hand and to start practicing their first scales . Amazon Girl plays her scales in a measured temp , wishing to get each note perfectly . Race Car Man wants to be fast when he has it right and asks many questions about how the keys and the hammers and the felt and the strings work . They both picked up on the basics pretty quickly . I am filled with pride , wistfulness , deep joy , a sense that everything is right with the world . We have a piano . And we are playing it . We sit in our lawn chairs along the waterfront or in the parks , children on our laps and holding hands . We murmur our appreciation as the flowers made of fire burst and throw sparks down into the water against the black night . We don 't notice the dogs , the cats , frightened and running as far and as fast as they can from the cannon shots . Its not until I see them on my way to work the next day , small and still on the side of the road , that I contemplate that even the things we do which seem so harmless and fun leave a wake . When someone dies , life goes on , much the same . It seems callous , but the world can 't stop . We still get up and drink our coffee in the morning , feed the animals . I still make the long drive through the hills with the crop dusters going about their business , looking for an open space to pass the onion truck that holds me back . Yes , life continues on , apparently unperturbed , but if you know where to look , you can find the ripple of loss . The visible wake of the living is easy to identify . We make messes , we create smiles or tears , we make noise , make things , buy things , clean things up and throw things away . The wake of those that have gone is somewhat inverse , like a sweater turned outside in . It is measured far more by what is not than by what is . For the rest of my life that still , frozen moment in time when I realized what I was seeing at the top of the hill will be as much a part of the July fireworks as the memories I hold of my brother and I as children , lighting sparklers and showering the driveway with their fire . Once upon a time we were young and full of life , shouting our joy at the wonder of sight and sound the fireworks created . We were brave , lighting fuses and waiting until the last minute to dash away to safety . Once upon a time we left a magnificent debris of color and echoing laughter in our wake . Once upon a time , a man I never met while he was alive lit bottle rockets with his brothers and covered his ears with his hands when the firecrackers popped and crackled . Once upon a time , when the sweater was still right - side out . The day after the fireworks we sweep up the charred bits of paper and the discarded pop cans , we hose the burn marks off the pavement . We drvie in circles around the neighborhood , calling for our missing dog or cat , hoping they were one of the lucky ones who found a safe place to hide . All the while we press a palm over our hearts where the ache of grief resides . It was a blue Chevy truck , standard cab . It had cloth seats with a woven pattern that looked just like the blanket I put under my western saddle . At 12 I was tall enough to easily reach the pedals and see over the steering wheel at the same time , but not strong enough to pick up and throw a bale of hay . Dad took me out into our pasture and taught me how to go and stop and turn , and then when we helped various neighhbors with hay , I got to drive the truck while my brother had to help stack it . By the time I was 13 and 14 dad would sometimes let me drive the truck on the roads . Most of our side roads didn 't even have stripes on them , they were gravel and tar , compacted into hard shell by the combined weight of cars and trucks and tractors . At least three or four of the roads on the island started out paved but ended as dirt shortly after you lefour main thruway . Seven miles of island to explore . Seven miles of dirt roads and blackberry bushes and back pastures in my dad 's big Chevy truck . My ex had one , briefly , a truck he couldn 't afford for a job he couldn 't keep . It wasn 't mine , and it wasn 't much use . It was shiny and had leather seats and a cover on the back and a carpeted bed so that you couldn 't put much of anything in it . It wasn 't a truck in the sense of really being a truck . It was a showpiece . It could tow a trailer but I couldn 't afford the kind of horse trailer that would do justice to a truck like that . I had a love / hate relationship with it . It was fun to drive , but it was never going to be what I wanted and needed it to be . It taunted me from the driveway every time I had to have someone deliver hay to me . You ca - an 't have me ! You ca - an 't use me ! Shut up , Useless , I would fire back . In this life , a girl needs a truck of her own . A truck that can haul hay and kids and fence posts , pull a horse trailer or a flatbed trailer . A truck both useful and tough . Pretty is as pretty does ; this farm girl believes that there 's nothing more useless than a truck that is so pretty and expensive that you can 't do anything to it or with it . Trucks are for working . I can barely recap the month of December without feeling exhausted . I will say , attempting to not sound trite , sappy or maudlin , that like so many prior years in my life , 2011 started with much promise and contained many surprises , both pleasant and not - so - pleasant . It was a watershed year , year of epic change . It is a year that I am more than happy to put behind me . I am sitting on the floor of my living room , coffee cup on my left and mimosa on my right , trying to shake off the effects of last night 's wine . I consider , as I do every year , what it really means when we flip the switch on the ball and a new year begins . Dates are something artificial that we have imposed on our world to maintain the fiction that we actually control something . Still , the seasons turn and the earth dies and is reborn every spring . That promises us that something hopeful is around the corner , even as we suffer through the withering and dying of the winter months . I had such expectations for 2011 , such hope . And because it is my nature to be hopeful , I have hopes and dreams for this year . But because I am older and because I now understand more viscerally the nature of life , I feel the need to be cautious as well . I tighten the reins on my hopes , hold them in check . And yet . . . I have been working with my horse on his collection and his need to charge forward . He is young and full of energy , and you learn over time that although it seems counter - intuitive , holding your horse back is the surest way to make him feel as though he needs to go faster . Because he is a prey animal , the more you try to trap him , the more he will try to get free of you . Over time , if you allow him his freedom , guide him with your legs and your seat and your voice , trust him to be himself , he will trust you enough to relax when you release him and to allow you to check him when that is what you want from him . He will trust that when you are done needing him to stop that you will let him go . You will find , together , a harmony and a partnership wherein you don 't need to hold him back and he doesn 't need to get away from you . And inside that bond of trust and respect , you will both grow . In the documentary Buck , Buck Branaman says that our relationships with horses reflect the issues in our lives . As we develop our skills to read and respond to our horse and our ability to establish his trust and his respect , so we hone our maturity in all other areas of our life . If you can stand on the ground with nothing in your hands and ask a 1500 pound animal to back up with nothing but your energy and intent , and he does , there is nothing in your life that you cannot approach with the same energy and intent . The first thing that is needed is that you know what you want your horse to do . The second thing is to understand how you tell him that in a way that he will understand . Lastly , you need to apply only as much pressure as is required to convey your request . The moment that he complies , you release the pressure and reward the horse . So it is in our everyday life . Know who you are and what you need to accomplish . Apply as much energy and intent as required and relax that pressure when it is not needed . How much time have I wasted in my 46 years apply pressure to situations when it was not necessary ? Something within me wants me to be cautious about my hopes and expectations for this year . The child within me who was given away , the woman within me who struggled to find herself within a marriage that was wildly out of control , the woman who suffered unexpected and devastating loss , they think that they need me to hold the reins tighter on my hopes . The woman within me who has learned to appreciate what is good , who has experienced unexpected and incredible joy , and who has learned to release the pressure gathers them all close and tells them , " it will be okay . You can let go . " Yes , there will be sorrow . There will be pain . There will be days when I fail to do and fail to be . There will be great loss . But there will also be great love and great joy , great success and great contentment for me , for my husband and children , for my family and my friends . For us all . Once when I was in high school I had a sinus infection that spread into my eyes . It wasn 't pinkeye , it was a sinus infection , and every time I would blink my right eye , a think film of yellowish - green goo would spread itself over my eyelid , almost completely obscuring my vision . So attractive . In a way , I 'm grateful for the fuzzy wooziness of my brain right now . It provides an insulating blanket between me and life . I just managed to get a new evaluation appointment set up for my little guy with a psychiatrist in a couple of weeks . That 's unheard of around here , this doctor and most of the others have a 3 month wait for new patients , but we managed to call right after somebody cancelled so we got lucky . Lucky is a rather dubious term , but lucky it is , to get in before the end of year while our deductibles are all met , lucky to see the doctor who already knows him because he treats my daughter too , lucky to have a teacher who communicates so well on what she sees in the classroom so that there 's no disconnect between what we think is going on and what is actually happening during the school day . He 's still struggling . He 's in the right place , no doubt , but still struggling . And the teacher is kind of surprised that he doesn 't have a certain diagnosis , because behaviorally he is so similar to the other kids in her class that have that particular issue . I had ruled it out before because there were a couple of symptoms that didn 't seem to be a match , but looking at it more than a year later with kindergarten behind us and current behaviors in our face , I 'm shocked it didn 't stand out for me before now . I don 't want to put it out here yet , because with kids a lot of issues that might seem like one thing can actually be something else . So I 'm going to try to just be patient and open - minded and see what the eval results tell us , then we go forward from there . All I really care about , ultimately , is that we know enough to provide him the right kind of support . It doesn 't matter whether he has diagnosis A , B or C - - it is what it is , all that changes is how we help him cope . I spent the obligatory hour on the phone with three different people at the insurance company yesterday , only to end up with a referral to a psychiatrist who , as it turns out , doesn 't actually do pediatrics . But that landed us with the resident psych at the center who does , and we already know him , so that should be good , right ? Still , its frustrating . We 're also being assigned to a dedicated team by the insurance company who are supposed to provide me with as many local resources as they can find for me within a week . Fortunately , my wine rack is well stocked right now , its a Friday night , and the kids are at their dad 's for a few days . I have some time for a pity - party before I need to lift my chin up and buckle my seat belt . Of course , with the cold medicine I 'm not really sure I 'll need the wine , and with a clogged schnozz I probably wouldn 't enjoy it anway . Posted at 04 : 50 PM in ADHD , Anxiety Disorder , Memories , Mental Health , Race Car Man , Reasons for the Eye Bags , Sensory Processing Disorder , Your IEP and you | Permalink I find myself circling in the center of the room , holding patterns , avoiding the loss swept into the corners . So much pain there , so little of it truly resolved . I pushed it away to forget it , and this new life keeps asking me to sift through those painful memories and feel them all over again , this time really feel them , so I can grieve them and let them go . I like the center , I like the pretending part where even though I was hurt , I was tougher than the hurt and the pain didn 't really touch me . I like the middle of the room where I imagine that these things today are not monsters I helped create but that they are all somebody else 's fault . I fear getting lost down the rabbit hole of black , jagged edges where everything I was supposed to be able to trust in wasn 't ever really real . I don 't want to be confronted with those feelings yet . I wanted to wait to deal with them , wait forever as if that 's all it would take to make them less painful . That 's the tricky thing about them . You would think that time would blunt them , burn down the hard and sharp parts , soften the clout to the side of my head and ease the squeeze of the fist on my heart . And then I find that no , there has been not one iota of change in those feelings of helplessness and grief and anger and excruciating pain . Not one shred of lessening of the feeling that it wouldn 't have happened if I had been better , if I had less ugly , less messy , less self - absorbed . Thousands of miles between you and I and there 's no comfort to be found , no shoulder to hide my face in , no enabler to help me pretend the past isn 't real and that now and the tomorrow is all there ever was or ever will be . No strong hand to hold to reassure me that this time its different , that you are not the other one . Every shattered nerve , every thread of anxiety that loops itself through my gut adds more miles to what already exists between us . But really , its only me putting them there . Where do I find the balance between unfocusing enough to make the time pass more quickly and crawling into the hole with old grief and letting it burn its way out of my core ? How do I keep myself from dropping - no , throwing down - the lines of connection so that we can still be reached ? Trust comes so hard for me . No , you are not the other . I know that . Never have I had any reason to do anything other than trust you . But the ugly voice from the corners reminds me : There was a time when I didn 't have any reason not to trust him , either . Open and transparent - seeming eyes looked straight at me , reasonable voices comforted me , soothed me and fed me buckets of steaming lies . Which part is the part where I can distinguish between the real and the construct ? And so I avoid the corners . Let the things swept there lie a while longer . Posted at 02 : 59 PM in Anxiety Disorder , Depression , Him , I lose sleep over shit like this , Love , Me . , Memories , NaBloPoMo , Past History | Permalink No more adsI was notified recently by my ad network that something was wrong with my placement and they were suspending me from the network until I fixed it . Rather than fix the problem I have decided it is more appropriate to go ad - free . If you are kind enough to come here and read my ramblings , I should be kind enough not to bombard you with commercials . Sound fair ? |
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