text
stringlengths 114
320k
|
|---|
Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Articles . Tagged 2015 , Adventures , Best Wishes , Fast Paced , Life , New Year , postaday The Day After Christmas ~ Sandy Vargas Wrappings and ribbons just covered the floor . While upstairs the family continued to snore . And I in my t ' shirt , new Reeboks and jeans , went into the kitchen and started to clean . When what to my wondering eyes should appear , but a truck , with an oversized mirror . The driver was smiling , so grand . The patch on his jacket said " U . S . POSTMAN . " With a handful of bills , he grinned like a fox . Then stuffed them quickly into our mailbox . Bill after bill , they still come whistlng and shouting he called them by name . " Now Dillards , now Broadway , now Penny 's and Sears . Here 's Robinson 's , Levitz , Target , and Marvyn 's . To the tip of your limit every store , every mall . Now charge away - charge away - charge away all ! " He whoopped and he whistled as he he finished his work . He filled up the box , and then turned with a jerk . He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road , driving much faster with just half a load . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Established Poets , New Poets . Tagged Bills , Boxes , broken , Poetry , postaday , Postman , ribbons , Santa , Toys , wrappings The Littlest Christmas Tree ~ Amy Peterson Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Established Poets , New Poets . Tagged Christmas , Gifts , Humble , imagination , Little , Magic , Poetry , postaday , Tree A Very Special Christmas ~ Loretta Livingstone " Because you disrespect me . You imagine just because I am wearing your ring , you can sleep with me ? You think you own me ? You knew I wouldn 't do this . You disrespect me , and you disrespect my parents . " Jayesh glared . " Think you 're so special , do you ? Well , you 're nothing ! And the ring is nothing . Keep it ! I 'll find a girl who loves me properly ! " " I don 't want your ring ! " She tore at it with her teeth and finally managed to drag it over her knuckle . The skin beneath had turned green . " You 're right ! It was nothing ! Cheap ! And so are you . But I 'm not . I will be respected . " She threw the ring across the room so hard that it cracked the mirror behind his head . Turning on her heel , she slammed out of the front door leaving Jayesh seething . All the money he 'd spent wooing her , and she wouldn 't let him anywhere near her . Too precious . Proper little princess . Well , that was it ! The last time he 'd waste his cash on a girl from her type of background . Anisha stormed down the road , fury battling with humiliation . Did Jayesh truly think just because he had put his ring - his cheap ring - on her finger , she 'd be prepared to share his bed , when he knew , he knew she wasn 't that type of girl ? Anisha was a modern girl ; she believed in women having careers , but she had a deep faith , and she wasn 't going to compromise it - especially to someone who held her so cheap . " Cheap ! " She ground the word out between her teeth ! He couldn 't even buy her a decent ring . Not an expensive one , but this - this was a joke . She rubbed at the green stain . Reaching the sanctuary of her shabby flat , she slammed the door behind her and threw herself onto the bed . Reaction set in , and her face crumpled . How she missed her mother . " Oh , Ama ! Ama ! I wish you were here , " she wailed . She couldn 't call . They couldn 't afford it . Anisha was over here to study and bring honour to the family . She hadn 't even told them about Jayesh . She 'd been waiting to introduce the subject once she was engaged . They would be thrilled - she had hoped . After all , he was a medical student . And her parents weren 't old - fashioned . He was of the same faith - or so he had said . Obviously , it didn 't mean much to him . She gave her finger one more despairing rub - it was starting to itch now - and hid her face in her pillow , shaking with sobs . So near Christmas . She had been looking forward to sharing it with Jayesh 's family . He was going to tell his mother , he 'd said . But who knew . Maybe she was his dirty little secret . At this , she wept even harder . How could she tell Ama and Daddy ? She was such a stupid fool . University had broken up for the Christmas holidays . Anisha had been so besotted with Jayesh , she hadn 't made any friends yet . He had spotted her standing shyly near the entrance three days after she had arrived and taken her under his wing . Flattered and grateful , she had been only too happy to spend all her spare time with him , sharing her dreams , her ambitions . She knew the other students by sight , smiling shyly at them as she attended lectures , but Jayesh was always at her shoulder as soon as they were over . Come to that , why had he always been hanging around outside her lectures ? Realisation was finally sinking in for Anisha . Jayesh was a fraud . Maybe he wasn 't even studying , let alone doing medicine . She shivered and put the kettle on . It was freezing . She couldn 't turn the heating up , not enough money . A hot water bottle would have to do . Thank goodness Jen had told her about them ; they were wonderful . She filled two and snuggled under the duvet with them . She was so lonely . Was Jen busy , she wondered ? Did she dare go down the hall and knock on her door ? Wrapping the duvet round her , hot water bottles tucked under each arm , she left her flat and shuffled down the corridor . Tapping on the door , she waited nervously . A passing girl stopped . " You wanting Jen ? She 's away for the holidays , hun . Back in the New Year . " Well , that was that then ; she would be alone over Christmas . She shuffled back to her tiny apartment , recklessly put some more coins in the meter and turned on the TV , wiping the tears from her eyes with a determined small hand . She would shut Jayesh from her mind . He didn 't exist . Next day , still heartsore , she went to the market to see if she could find something nice to cook - something to remind her of home . The Christmas lights twinkled . Families thronged the stalls . Anisha watched the cheerful scene dismally . If only , oh if only her parents had suggested she study at Karunya University . Or Madras . Anywhere but England . At least she would have been warm , and she could have called them . She would have Skyped her family , but they had such an old computer ; it didn 't work very well . She would have to content herself with writing to them . They would be putting their own decorations up , and the crib would be up at the large Catholic Church they went to . She paused . She would do that . She would go to church . Then , she would feel nearer to them . But first , she headed to a stall which sold all the spices she needed . Fingering bright red chillies and knobbly ginger , she breathed in the fragrance of the heady spices which filled the air . It wasn 't quite the same as home . The smells were weaker ; the air was colder , and they didn 't make her mouth water like they did at home , but they would do . Then she went to the large old Parish Church . Anisha slipped in between the large studded oak doors . Just think . This had been here for hundreds of years . She put out her hand and touched the smooth walls , imagining all the generations of people who had been here before her . The church was hushed ; the fragrance of incense lingering , the nativity scene laid out at the front . She moved forward , covering her head respectfully , and knelt in one of the pews , looking up at the large cross which dominated the front of the Church . The holy stillness soothed her like balm . She didn 't know how long she sat there lost in contemplation . Time seemed to have stood still . But it was cold here too . Oh ! This country ! Would she ever feel warm again ? She shivered and got to her feet , suddenly aware of a pair of cheerful green eyes upon her . She blushed and dipped her head , but curiosity got the better of her , and she peeked up again shyly . A man , she couldn 't guess his age , with dull blond hair curled in the neck of a sweater that had seen better days , smiled at her . Oh my goodness . She felt flustered . He came towards her , holding out his hand . She couldn 't very well back away , so she took it reluctantly . She was not going to get involved again . And not with an English person . How could he ever really understand her ? She was going to stay away from men until she finished her studies and went home . Ama and Daddy could find her someone suitable . She had had enough of being a modern woman . Mike threw back his head and chuckled quietly . " Not me . Poor Reverend Walker . I don 't think I 'm his idea of any kind of minister . But I do sort of minister in my own way . Why not come for a coffee with me , and I 'll tell you all about it ? Maybe introduce you to some people ? " She shouldn 't . She really shouldn 't . She started to shake her head but , to her dismay , found she was nodding it instead . It was those eyes . Clear , fathomless eyes ; they were almost hypnotic . She realised he still had hold of her hand and pulled it away . He smiled . " Oops . Sorry . Forgot to let go . Come on . There 's a nice little coffee shop not far away . It 's the Church coffee shop , you know . You 'll meet all sorts of people there , and you can warm up a bit . " He rubbed his hands together . " It 's freezing in here , isn 't it ? " Now she had her hand back , the warm glow she had felt before had disappeared , and she was shivering again . Maybe it wouldn 't hurt . He seemed nice enough . But so had Jayesh . No . I 'm not going to think of him , she told herself . Picking up her bags , she followed Mike out of the Church and towards a brightly lit shop . The warmth hit her like a blast of Indian air as he opened the door and ushered her in . Bright Christmas scenes festooned the walls , and carols hung on the air . The windows were all steamed up , and she rubbed a clear patch on the misty glass with the tip of her finger as Mike went to get coffees . She peeked out ; suddenly everything seemed friendlier . " This is more like it . " Mike sat down opposite her with a tray full of coffees and mince pies . A bunch of people squeezed around the table , moving chairs over from other empty tables , laughing and chatting . Anisha felt included in the festive atmosphere . A beautiful woman in her late twenties , with long chestnut hair and grey eyes , sat next to Mike and smiled across the table at her . " Hi , I 'm Jeannie . " She held Anisha 's eyes with her own , inviting her to reciprocate . " Anisha , " she whispered , smiling shyly . Next to her , a girl with ginger corkscrew curls , a snub nose and freckles , held a clip board . She reminded Anisha of someone , but she couldn 't think who . She peeped at her through half - closed eyelids . It was the eyes ; they were just like Mike 's . Not the same colour - light blue instead of green - but as Anisha looked at them , she had the sensation of looking into the past , present and future all at once . How strange . She shook her head slightly to clear it . " This is Seraphina , " Mike introduced , " my colleague . You 'll have to watch her . " Seraphina dug him in the ribs , and he winced . " See that clipboard ? She 'll have your name down on that in no time if you aren 't careful . Your time won 't be your own . " Seraphina gave him a little frown , but he just ruffled her curls . Seraphina gazed at her . " It 's a great way to make new friends . And you 'd be helping us out . Just for one week ? " She tilted her head on one side and watched Anisha quizically . " Mike ! Shhhh ! " Seraphina looked as though she was trying not to laugh , but suddenly , the stern mouth quirked into a merry trill of laughter . " Oh , you ! You 're impossible ! Go on . Go get us some more coffee . By now , Anisha was feeling quite light - hearted , as well as light - headed . The banter had drawn her in and made her feel part of this group . " Well . I suppose I could … what would I need to do ? " Seraphina gave her a look of delight . Anisha felt as if she could really belong here with this happy - go - lucky crowd . " We run soup kitchens for the street people . Just over the Christmas period . We don 't belong to any organisation or anything , but we like to do our bit to help . And no one has anything organised in the areas we go to . " Street people ? Anisha 's smile faded . " You mean beggars ? " She tried not to shudder . She 'd seen them in the shadows and kept well away . She couldn 't . She just couldn 't . She 'd be terrified . " Oh come on , Anisha . They aren 't scary when you get to know them . And you won 't be alone . They have nothing . Not even family . Wouldn 't you like to help those worse off than yourself ? You 'd get a real blessing out of it . " The corkscrew curls jiggled as Seraphina held her head on one side winsomely . " I promise I 'll put you with someone who 'll look after you . " She studied her clipboard and made a few notes . Anisha meant to shake her head but found herself nodding . Oh no ! Now she was committed . Seraphina was already writing her name . She looked at Jeannie , who was watching her sympathetically . " Will you be going ? " " Sorry , I have something already booked . Mike and Seraphina will see you ok though . And I 'll see you around . We often meet here on a Friday night . Do come along . We 're a friendly bunch , aren 't we , you lot ? " It was something Anisha did have . She gave her the number . " And now , I must go . Friday did you say ? See you all then . " No chance of backing out then . Anisha felt as though Seraphina had seen her thoughts . " That would be lovely . I must go now though . I have shopping . " She got up and collected her bags . Half of her was reluctant to leave . The other half was feeling a little overwhelmed . She wanted to go back to her digs and collect her thoughts . And she wanted to write to Daddy and Ama and tell them all about it . Jayesh was almost forgotten as she hurried back through the cold misty air , her heart lighter by far than she had felt since she arrived in England . With Jayesh , she had always felt nervous and eager to please , never as relaxed as she felt today . It was a good feeling . Almost like finding a home . For the next two weeks , Anisha met up with the others at the coffee shop on Fridays , and a couple of times a week , she helped at the mobile soup kitchens but always stayed safely behind the counter . As the faces of the street people separated from the crowd and she got to know some of them , her terror at being on the streets late into the evening faded . And Seraphina always took her home safely . Anisha was starting to settle in and get to know people . She hadn 't realised how claustrophobic things had been with Jayesh . He didn 't even take me to meet his family , she thought indignantly - when she thought of him at all , which happened less and less . She didn 't miss him one bit , she realised to her surprise . By Christmas Eve , she had resigned herself to not seeing her mother and father , but Jeannie had invited her to dinner , and there were parties to go to . No longer alone and shy , her world had expanded into a kaleidoscope of colour and fun . Her letters home were transformed . But however will I find time to study , she caught herself wondering , as she dashed back to her flat to put on warm clothes for the soup kitchen . Comfortable now in a thick woollen jumper , jeans - not too tight , she didn 't like those - and a big warm coat , hat and scarf , she waited outside her flat for Seraphina to pull up in the white van with blue wings painted over the back wheels . Ah . There she was . Anisha pulled the passenger door open and jumped in , only to freeze with horror as she realised it must be the wrong van . " I 'm so sorry , " she gasped , as she looked at the silhouette of a young man . " I thought this was Seraphina 's van . " She fumbled for the door handle , ready to leap out . " Hi . You must be Anisha . Seraphina asked me to pick you up tonight . She 's running late , and you and I are on the same soup run as each other . I 'm Simeon . We 're going to Wendley Road tonight . They have a bit of a special on after the soup , so I 'm told . We 've been invited to stay afterwards . I 've never been on Christmas Eve before , have you ? " He was gabbling , Anisha realised . Maybe she wasn 't the only one embarrassed by the change of plan . She stole a sideways look at him but couldn 't see his face properly . She didn 't want to turn her head and take a better look , so she concentrated on the road ahead . They were driving to the outskirts of the city . She 'd never been here before . And with a strange man . Her heart sank . What on earth were they going to talk about ? She wriggled uncomfortably . At last the van pulled up on a dark corner , and Simeon got out and started to unload . The mobile soup kitchen was there already . Seraphina was manning it and gave them a wave . Relief flooded through Anisha . Thank goodness . " Did you bring loads more stuff , Simeon ? We 're going to need it . I 've almost run out . Busiest night of the year tonight . " She pushed her ginger curls out of her eyes and handed another cup of soup to a ragged individual standing by the hatch . " There you go , my love . That 'll warm you up . Come back later . There 'll be mince pies then . " The shabby figure muttered at her and shuffled off . " Come on , let 's get cracking . I 'm only here for another hour , and then I have to go . I 'm singing with a local choir . The rest of the crew will be back to pack up the soup kitchen later . You don 't have to do that . Just hand out the soup until it 's gone , then sit back and enjoy the show . " " Search me . " He turned to the hatch . " Chicken soup ? Or vegetable ? Come on , Anisha . Let 's get busy . We can worry about that later . " Two hours later , Anisha was flushed and laughing . The soup was all gone , and a cheery couple of youngsters had packed everything up and driven away . She peeped up shyly at Simeon beneath the street light . He turned laughing brown eyes to her and held out a strong brown hand . Shall we stay to watch the show then ? " She hesitated . Would it be wise ? She didn 't even know him . " Oh , do stay . I don 't know a soul here , " he pleaded . He looked at her solemnly . " I know your name is Anisha . I know you are studying law at Uni . " He turned to her , swept off his scarf and bowed extravagantly . " Greetings , Mem . My name is Simeon . I am here studying journalism . I had been going to go to study at Karunya or Madras . " She gasped . Really ? How strange . She hadn 't told anybody here about those two universities . He wrapped his scarf back around his neck , his teeth gleaming very white in the dark . " But I suddenly got the chance to come to Uni in England . How could I resist ? " He stopped capering about and gave her a wistful look . " Oh , please . Do say you 'll stay . I 'll see you safely home . No funny business . " Anisha looked at him , trying to be severe , but she could feel a dimple twinkling at the side of her mouth . " Very well . But you promise ? No funny business ? " " You have my word . Mem . " Clowning around again , he put one arm around the lamp post , swung around it and made another of his ridiculous bows . Laughing , she capitulated , and they wandered over to the group of outcasts collecting near a brazier . Mike was there , waving at them . Anisha breathed a small sigh of relief . Someone else she knew . They joined him , and he handed them mince pies . There was laughter and joking , but all of a sudden one of the down - and - outs gave a sibilant hiss , and a clock struck 11 : 45 , chimes ringing out in the cold , crisp air . A silence fell , and Anisha heard Simeon give a sharp intake of breath . She looked up at the skies and gasped . It couldn 't be . No way ! It was . Before her disbelieving eyes , a huge angel choir was assembling , singing gloriously . Trumpets heralded a huge angel , who announced the age old words , " Peace and goodwill to all men , for today is born a Saviour , Christ the Lord . " She and Simeon stood there , reality suspended , taking in the sights and sounds of the Heavenly choir . Never in all her life had she experienced anything like this . Anisha stepped back , catching her scarf on the handle of Aggie 's discarded shopping trolley . Turning to disentangle herself , she saw passers - by look at the small , tattered group , then glance upwards with blank faces and move on . Couldn 't they see it ? Couldn 't they hear it ? Shaking her head in astonishment , she lifted her eyes back to the magnificent sight . Her heart lifted , her soul seemed almost to rise out of her body and join the angels . Joy and rapture filled her until she felt she might explode ; a silent tear ran unheeded down her cheek . Such beauty ! Such majesty ! Oh , what must Heaven be like ? Caught up in the experience , she never noticed Simeon 's arm slip around her shoulder but instinctively nestled in to him , sheltering from the wind , all without taking her eyes from the heavens . Slowly , the angels faded away and the stars came back out . Simeon let his arm fall from her shoulders and looked down at her , eyes shining . She opened her mouth to speak , but he put his finger to her lips , and they walked back to the van in silence . He held out his hand to her . Anisha hesitated . He gave her a steady look . " No funny business , Anisha , but I 'd really like to get to know you better . " She smiled and held out her own hand . His warm fingers wrapped around hers , and they stood for a moment , gazing at each other . From behind them , Mike looked at them in satisfaction before he shook out his wings and soared upwards . Another job done . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Short Stories . Tagged Angels , Christmas , Church , loneliness , postaday , Service , Short Story , Spiritual Our Own Little Christmas ~ Heidi Peltier Terra woke up alone again this morning , just like she did on Valentine 's Day , and on her birthday , and on our fourth wedding anniversary a few months ago . Either I had left early in the morning , or I had never come home at all the night before . The further into my college education I got , the busier and more preoccupied I became . The first few semesters , I made the three - hour journey to and from the university in Palermo , Sicily , every day . Each night , I would return home to our tiny island home of Isola di Squalo , the island of which Terra was Queen . I would be exhausted from a full day of study and travel , but I would happily fall into bed each night knowing she was right beside me , snuggled in my arms . That alone made it all worth it . But as my classes grew more challenging and my workload mounted , it became impossible to make the trek home every night . I refused to get housing on campus . I refused to accept that I couldn 't go home to her every day . So , for a long time , I would stay in a hotel or crash on a friend 's couch for the night in order to make a late night study session and an early morning class . Finally , Terra convinced me that my best option would be to lease a flat near campus . I adamantly denied needing it , but she could see the exhaustion on my face . She knew I couldn 't keep up the rigorous pace much longer . I swore to her I would come home every weekend , and I did … until once again , the work mounted up , and I was forced to stay one weekend , then two , then three . She 's busy too , I told myself . She has a country to run . She probably doesn 't even notice I 'm not there most of the time . It was a lie , and I knew it . She noticed . I could see it in her eyes when I would return . And I dreaded seeing the pain on her face when it was time for me to leave again . She never cried though , never complained . I think she knew it would only make it that much harder for me . And we both knew I couldn 't give up . She established the Delmar Shark Institute for me . It was an unbelievable gift , one that went against every natural instinct she had . But she did it for me because she knew how much it meant to me , so I was going to earn it . I just never knew the price I would have to pay , the sacrifices both of us would have to make . I 'm almost done , I told myself . It 's almost over . With the college courses I 'd taken in high school and being able to go to school full time , I 'd completed my undergraduate studies in just two and a half years . I gave up competitive swimming to devote my full attention to getting my degree . I immediately started working on my master 's degree and only had a little further to go to finish it . Once I started on my PhD , I could spend a whole lot more time at home working at the shark institute . No more going back and forth every day . No more nights away from home . No more saying goodbye to Terra . I just had a little bit more to go , but she had no idea . She knew I 'd been pushing myself , but I hadn 't really been keeping her up to date on my progress , mostly because I didn 't want to disappoint her if I failed . So , I set my goal and kept it to myself . At the end of November , we had a long weekend break , and even though there was work to do at school , I went home . I had to . I hadn 't seen Terra in three weeks at that point and refused to go another week . I arrived at the palace unannounced in the early afternoon . I peeked into her office and found her slumped over her desk , her head in her hands , crying . I couldn 't bear it . I burst into the room , ran to her , and took her in my arms . She gasped and immediately started wiping her eyes . She plastered a smile on her face and tried to compose herself . " I wanted to surprise you , " I murmured , my joy at finally seeing her being trampled by the sadness in her eyes . " I 'm so sorry , sweetheart . I 'm sorry I 've been gone so long . " That 's when I spotted the note on her desk . It was a message from her brother , Fed . The note told Terra that he would not be coming home for Christmas this year because he 'd be spending it with his girlfriend Ana 's family in Portugal . Terra 's sister , Delphine , had already told us she wouldn 't be coming for Christmas either since she was studying at an art institute half way around the world in Canada . Terra 's parents were both dead , which meant Terra had been sitting here thinking about having no one at Christmas . Surely , she didn 't assume I wouldn 't be here . Or perhaps she did . With her brother and sister both studying out of the country and me gone almost all the time now , she must have been feeling very lonely . And suddenly , my heart was breaking for her . I should have realized . I should have been paying closer attention . I pulled her closer to me and tucked her head under my chin . As I stood there holding her , a plan started to form in my head . I would be home for two full days after this , and then I would probably be gone until the semester ended the third week of December . I was going to make the most of my time on the island and put my plan in motion . Terra had a meeting that afternoon which I knew she couldn 't cancel just because I 'd graced her with my presence unexpectedly . So , in those two hours , I held my own secret meeting with Ilario , Terra 's head of security . He and I arranged everything , and by the time Terra was free , my plan had come together . But she had no idea . For the next two days , Terra and I were inseparable . We spent hours walking through the gardens and by the lagoon . We went into town but didn 't stay long . The friendly people of the island were wonderful and loving , but I hadn 't come home to see them . I wanted to be selfish and have my wife all to myself . I took her for a picnic at Faro di Merrick , the lighthouse hill overlooking the sea where we always went to escape life for a little while . We talked about our future together once I was finished with school . I hadn 't realized until that day just how badly she wanted to start a family . With a baby to take care of , I thought hesitantly , she won 't be alone . I held her in my arms , and we danced to the music of the sea until the sun set . When it was time for me to leave , I told her it was OK to cry because I was crying too . She buried her face in my chest , and I held her until I couldn 't stay another second without being late . I boarded the ferryboat that took me back to Sicily and watched her until I couldn 't see her anymore . Then , I sank into my seat and cried , not caring that the driver and my bodyguard could see . Three excruciating weeks passed as slowly as molasses on a cold day , as my grandma used to say . I worked my tail off and fell into bed exhausted every night . Every morning , I ticked another day off the calendar , counting down the days until I saw my girl again . I finished my work and met with my professors and advisors . I made my request , and they granted it . All that was left now was to pack up my belongings from the flat and get home . I made a call to Ilario , and he got things rolling at the palace . Terra 's personal attendant , Maria , had been tasked to pack Terra 's bag for her in secret . That bag was now stowed in a closet , ready to be thrown into the car as soon as I arrived . I swept into the castle , and Terra was there waiting for me . I pulled her to me and pressed my lips to hers . When I finally let her come up for air , she said , " I 'm so happy you 're home . " I led her to the car , and Ilario drove us back to the docks while I spent the time kissing my very curious wife . I kissed her on the ferryboat , and I kissed her in the car on the way to the airport . Royal decorum dictated that I was not allowed to kiss her in the airport or on the airplane , but I snuck a few in here and there . She asked over and over again where we were going only to be answered with another kiss . I think she eventually caught on to the game and asked anyway knowing she 'd never get an answer . I resumed showering her with kisses in the car when we arrived in Switzerland . And now , here we stand , outside one of the most remote ski resorts in the Alps . The sun has set , and thousands of twinkling white lights illuminate the scene . On the eaves of the buildings , they sparkle inside the icicles that hang there too . An enormous Christmas tree stands just inside the two story high lobby windows , inviting us to come inside . I look at Terra and am mesmerized by the reflection of the lights in her eyes , sparkling like the sunset on the ocean . I can 't help it - I have to touch her . I run my finger gently down her jaw line , and she turns her glittery eyes to me . On Christmas morning , Terra doesn 't wake up alone , and if I have my way , she never will again . She begins to stir , but I wrap my arm tighter around her to hold her in place . I kiss the back of her head and nuzzle into her hair . When we finally emerge from the bedroom , breakfast is already laid out for us on the table . She refuses to let me bring her breakfast in bed , so we sit together to eat . Suddenly , a look of panic crosses her face . " I don 't need any , " I tell her . " This Christmas isn 't about me . It 's about you . It seems like everything has been about me for the last few years , and I 'm tired of that . Come on . " I extend my hand to her and pull her to the living room sofa . " Let me get your gifts for you . " " Hush , " I whisper as I disappear into the bedroom . When I return , I have two packages in my hands . I give her the smaller one first . It 's a necklace and earring set - heart shaped aquamarine stones surrounded by diamonds . I had them specially made to match the ring I gave her four years ago . The blue of the stone almost matches her ocean blue Delmar eyes . She lays the rectangular shape in her lap and begins to tear off the paper . Inside is a black leather folder . Inside that is my master 's diploma . " I didn 't miss anything , " I tell her . " I did what I went there to do , and now I have my degree and I have you . That 's all that matters . " " I 'm talking about you , " I say , pressing my lips to her fingers . " I did this so I could come back home to you . I couldn 't stand being away from you so much , so I pushed myself to finish quickly . I 'm sorry for all the time I 've been gone , but from now on , most of what I 'll need to do can be done at home , at the shark institute . I 'm done , baby . I 'm not leaving you ever again . " Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Short Stories . Tagged Adults , Children , Heidi Peltier , postaday , Sharks , Teens , The Delmar Shark Chronicles , YA The True Meaning of Christmas A Short Story ~ Janice Spina The little girl 's name is Clarinda . She is ten years old with long dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes . She has never known what it is like to be warm or to have a full stomach . It is two days ' before Christmas and the house is bare of any signs of the holiday . Clarinda woke up this morning and heard someone crying . She got up , grabbed her thin bathrobe and wrapped it around her quickly as she tiptoed over to the door . The floor felt cold under her feet and she felt around for her slippers , tattered as they were , they would be better than nothing at all to keep her feet warm . As she slowly opened her bedroom door the sounds were louder and she realized that they were coming from her mother 's room . Clarinda 's mother , Miranda , was not well and hadn 't been for as long as she could remember . Her mother had progressively gotten weaker since her last two pregnancies with Clarinda 's siblings , Andrew , four and Brenda , two . Clarinda listened as she passed by her sibling 's bedroom to make sure they were not awake and needing her attention before going to her mother 's room . In order to put food on the table for the family , Miranda had to take in washing and ironing for other people , well - to - do people . They paid well enough for her to keep her children in mended clothes and provide some meat on the table at least once a week . Her husband , Holden , had died shortly after their daughter , Brenda , was born leaving her with three children to care for without any money . Miranda sat on the edge of her bed with her head in her hands as she cried . Her mind was whirling since the loss of her husband and she was devastated that she was too weak to continue working to take care of her children . She couldn 't afford to buy food never mind Christmas presents . Miranda looked up as the door to her bedroom slowly opened and Clarinda 's head popped in . " Mommy , are you okay ? Why are you crying ? " Clarinda 's beautiful blue eyes looked at her mother with surprise and concern . They belayed her age and showed a deep intelligence . Clarinda 's eyes mirrored her father 's and only broke her mother 's heart more each time she look at her . The other two children favored their mother with their green eyes and blond hair . " Oh , sweetie , I am all right . Just a little tired today . Don 't worry everything will be fine . Can you be a good girl now and go check on your brother and sister and bring then down to breakfast . I will make your favorite today - pancakes . We have one egg left and enough flour to make a few pancakes . You have been such a big help to Mommy . Now , go on hurry up , honey . " Clarinda left her mother 's room and went to check on her siblings . Andrew and Brenda shared the same room and both were awake and chattering together as Clarinda entered . She told Andrew to get dressed as she changed her sister 's training diaper and dressed her in her pink pants and top . Brenda always wanted to wear pink - it was her favorite color . She smiled her sweet toddler smile after she was dressed and cuddled with Clarinda to say " thank you . " Clarinda loved her brother and sister as if they were her own children ; after all , she had been both a sister and a mother to then since they were born . She did all she could to help her mother but she was only ten and didn 't realize a lot about life yet and what it entailed to raise a family . She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and took Andrew and Brenda by the hands and brought them down to the kitchen for breakfast . The enticing smell of pancakes was in the air and she found herself salivating and hurrying to set the table so they could eat . Their dinner the night before had been meager with a potato and a little gravy made from a soup bone and a piece of bread to sop up the precious liquid . She put Brenda in her high chair and told Andrew to sit down as their mother flipped the first pancakes onto their plates . Clarinda had to cut up the pancake for Brenda and blow on the pieces so she wouldn 't burn herself trying to eat too fast . Brenda made num num sounds as she stuffed the pieces into her mouth as fast as she could . Clarinda took care of her siblings first before taking her first bite and felt herself melting with the delicious taste . Miranda looked over at her children as they ate like it was their last meal . But , she thought sadly , it could be if her health didn 't improve soon . She didn 't know what she was going to do . She didn 't have anyone to turn to and didn 't want to lose her children if she asked the state for help . Clarinda was such a godsend and was already doing so much to help her . Could she ask her to do the washing and ironing too ? No , she thought , she would have to do it herself but have Clarinda bring the basket of clothes to the Antonelli 's house and receive payment . Yes , that is what she would do . Miranda called out to her daughter on her way to her room , " Thank you , sweetie , for cleaning up . I will just rest a little and then I will tackle the clothes and ironing . If you could bring the clothes over to the Antonelli 's after and pick up the payment that would be a great help to me . " " Of course , Mommy , I will be happy to help you . I will watch the kids while you rest . I love you , Mommy . " Clarinda was fearful that her mother was going to die like her father did . She told her mother every chance she got that she loved her , thinking that maybe she would keep her healthy longer that way . She always felt terrible that her father died before she could say , " I Love you , Daddy . " Clarinda could feel tears brimming in her eyes and used her sleeve to wipe them away so that her siblings wouldn 't see her crying . She had to be strong for them . Miranda lay down and fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow . She stirred in her sleep dreaming of her husband and his hand was reaching out to her . She reached forward in her sleep to touch his hand but it just seemed too far out of reach . While her mother slept Clarinda kept the children busy as she read several books to them . At least they had books that she managed to get from the library that were going to be thrown away . They were tattered just like the rest of the things in her life . It was nearly noon and her mother still had not woken up . She would have to feed the children their lunch and then tackle the clothes . Clarinda knew that if she didn 't get the clothes over to the Antonelli 's today they would not get paid full price for the wash . She put together the last two slices of bread to make a bread and butter sandwich and split it between the children . While they were busy eating she would start the wash . There was a small basket in the laundry area which was filled with their clothes and the larger basket was the Antonelli 's . Clarinda put in the first load and added the detergent which was getting low . She made sure to use it sparingly so she would have enough to finish all the clothes . While the machine was going she hurried back to check on her brother and sister . Andrew and Brenda were just finishing up the last of their sandwiches and looking for more . Clarinda checked the cabinets once again for anything to fill their little stomachs before her own . She found a few crackers which she doled out to them and ate one herself . That would be the only lunch she would have . She wasn 't a large person but she felt she could afford to lose weight but not her younger siblings who needed the nourishment more . She gave them each a full glass of water to fill them up more before putting them both down for a nap . After tucking them in to their beds she hurried back to the clothes to transfer the clean ones to the dryer and the dirty ones into the washer . At this rate it would take all day to finish washing the clothes besides having to iron them too . Clarinda worked tirelessly for two hours without stopping until she heard Brenda crying . She rushed through the last bit of ironing and shut off the iron . As she headed into the children 's room she was greeted by smiles and happy jumping as Brenda put her arms out to her from her crib and Andrew got out of bed and snuggled close to her side . Clarinda wrapped them both in her arms and held them tightly wanting only to protect and keep them safe - if only she could . She was getting concerned about her mother since she still hadn 't woken up yet . When she opened the bedroom door she noticed her mother 's arm was hanging over the side of the bed . She moved closer and turned on the light on the night stand . What she saw made her cry out in alarm . Her mother was still and not breathing . Clarinda shook her mother 's shoulder and called out her name . Clarinda was afraid that her mother might be gone and never wake up again . The children started to cry as they felt something was wrong when Clarinda cried out and only clung tighter to their sister . Clarinda picked up the phone on the night stand and called Dr . Harvey who was their family physician . When his secretary , Denise , answered Clarinda couldn 't speak as tears kept flooding her eyes and chocking up her speech . The children only cried louder making it even more difficult for Clarinda to hear Denise as she asked what was wrong . Denise waved at Dr . Harvey as he came into the office and pointed to the phone mouthing that it was Clarinda . He picked up the extension and asked , " Clarinda , what is wrong sweetheart ? " Dr . Harvey yelled into the phone to try to be heard over all the crying . " Where is your mother , dear ? " " Sss … . she is in bed , Dr . Harvey . She is not moving and I can 't wake her up . I don 't know what to do . I have to take the clothes to the Antonelli 's or Mommy will be angry and she won 't get paid . Can you come over and help me ? " Clarinda sniffled and wiped her eyes and nose on her sleeves as she tried to hold onto the children at the same time . They were so frightened they wouldn 't let go of her anyway . " Of course , Clarinda , I will be right over . Just sit tight and I 'll come and check on your mother and stay with the children while you take over the clothes . Okay , dear . Please don 't cry now . I will be right there . " Dr . Harvey put down the phone and felt his hands shaking as he took in what the poor child must be dealing with . He needed to get over to her house immediately . He told his secretary to hold all calls and postpone his afternoon appointments and that he would not be in the office the rest of the day . Denise nodded sadly , " Of course , Dr . Harvey . Is there anything I can do ? " " No , Denise , but thank you . I need to find out if Miranda is okay and stay with the young ones . Clarinda is in such a state over the Antonelli 's clothes . I didn 't realize how bad things had gotten for the family . I feel terrible that I could have helped the Davises in some way and didn 't . Could you please lock up after you contact all the patients ? Go home early , Denise , you work too hard and need a break . Thank you for everything . " " No problem , Dr . Harvey . I hope Mrs . Davis is okay . If you need a babysitter I can go over there after I leave here . Call me on my cell . Okay ? " " That is very kind of you , Denise , but I think I can manage . But it is good to know that you are available in case I need you . Thank you . I will see you tomorrow . " Clarinda paced back and forth with Brenda in her arms and Andrew hanging onto her right leg . She kept looking out the window hoping to see Dr . Harvey 's car . It had only be twenty minutes since she spoke to him . He did say he was coming . But she was worried because her mother still hadn 't woken up . Dr . Harvey pulled into the Davis ' drive and got out of his car . He looked up and saw Clarinda in the window waving at him to come in . He could see she was still crying and the children were upset too . He carried his medical bag with him as he stepped up to the door . He didn 't get to knock as the door was pulled open and Clarinda ran into his arms choking back more tears . Dr . Harvey patted her on the back and held her as she cried uncontrollably . He moved into the living room with Clarinda hanging onto him while the little ones hung onto her . He wanted to console her but needed to get into Miranda 's room to check her out . He was concerned that she was close to comatose if what Clarinda said was true about not being able to wake her up . He only hoped he wasn 't too late to help her . " Clarinda , please sit down and try to calm yourself down so the little ones won 't be upset too . Okay , dear . I will go check on your mother and be right back . Why don 't you give the children something to eat while I am gone ? " We … . we don 't have any more food , Dr . Harvey . I gave the children the rest of the food for lunch . That is why I have to go to the Antonelli 's to get paid for washing and ironing their clothes . " Clarinda started crying again and this time couldn 't stop . Her siblings started whining and fussing once " Oh , my goodness , Clarinda , I am so sorry I didn 't know . I will take you over to the Antonelli 's child and then we will all go out to get something to eat . Okay ? Now just sit tight and calm the children down . " Dr . Harvey opened the door to Miranda 's room and flicked on the light . What he saw wasn 't good . Miranda was laying on her side with her left arm hanging over the side of the bed . Her eyes were closed and he couldn 't detect any movement in her chest to indicate she was breathing . He pulled out his stethoscope and bent over her body to listen to her lungs and pulses . Her chest was congested and he detected a light heart rhythm and he lifted up her eyelids to check her pupils which were reacting to light . She would need to be hospitalized with what appeared to be a severe case of pneumonia . Dr . Harvey lifted up the phone and called the hospital to get an ambulance for Miranda ASAP . " This is Dr . Harvey . I am with Miranda Davis and her children . I need your help , Mrs . Antonelli . I learned from Clarinda , her ten - year - old daughter , that she was to bring over your wash and be paid for this service . Is that correct ? " " Well , Mrs . Davis is very ill and is going into the hospital and will be unable to take care of her three children . Do you think you could help her by taking her children in until she is out of the hospital and well enough to take care of them again ? I really don 't know where to turn at this time . They are really in desperate need and it is almost Christmas . Do you think you can help ? " Dr . Harvey waited what seemed like minutes but were actually only " I see . I didn 't realize that Mrs . Davis was sick or I wouldn 't have asked her to continue to work for me . I am sorry to hear that . I also didn 't realize she had three children . I only know of Clarinda . How old are the other two children ? " Mrs . Antonelli 's voice sounded a little surprised by the fact that there were three children to care for . Dr . Harvey continued to persuade Mrs . Antonelli as he said , " Besides Clarinda who is ten , there is her brother Andrew , four , and sister , Brenda , who is two . Life has not been easy for them and Clarinda has been taking care of them all by herself since her mother has been sick . Anything you can do to help would be greatly appreciated . I need to take Miranda to the hospital now so if you could come over here and watch the children or pick them up and take them to your house it would be helpful . Oh , and Mrs . Antonelli , please feed them . They haven 't had much to eat today . " Dr . Harvey was getting a little anxious for Mrs . Antonelli 's answer as he watched the ambulance pull up outside the house . " Thank you , Mrs . Antonelli . I appreciate your help . It will mean a lot to Mrs . Davis too . She is in a bad way right now and can 't thank you herself but I will let her know what you are doing as soon as she is lucid . Merry Christmas , Mrs . Antonelli . " Mrs . Antonelli , Angela , as most people knew her , grabbed her coat off the high coat rack and her keys off the counter and went out to the garage to her Bentley to drive over to Mrs . Davis ' to pick up the children . She was not a cold person but she was anxious about having to take care of three children . She never could have any of her own though she and her husband had tried for many years until she knew it was not to be . She didn 't know if she could do this but to refuse would be inhumane since Mrs . Davis was going to the hospital and had no one to take care of the children . She would just have to do her best and soon their mother would be back in good health . Angela pulled into the drive next to the ambulance and ran up to the door as the EMTs rolled out a stretcher with Mrs . Davis . She moved aside and went into the house and was met by Dr . Harvey . Behind him stood three little waifs who looked scared and lost and so sad . She noticed they had all been recently crying which touched her deeply . She wanted to wrap her arms around them and tell them it was going to be all right . But she found that she couldn 't move and didn 't until Dr . Harvey brought her out of her stupor . " Mrs . Antonelli please come it . Let me introduce you to the children - Clarinda , Andrew , and Brenda . They have been looking forward to meeting you and staying with you until their mother is well . " Dr . Harvey leaned forward and whispered out of earshot of the children , " Thank you , Mrs . Antonelli , for doing this . It means the world to me and to Mrs . Davis . Clarinda will pack up some clothes and things for herself and her siblings and be ready to leave shortly . Now I need to follow the ambulance and get to the hospital to take care of Mrs . Davis . Thank you again , Mrs . Antonelli . It is wonderful of you to do this . I will contact you to see how the children are doing in a day or so . Take care children and be good for Mrs . Antonelli . " Mrs . Antonelli turned to look at Clarinda but was at a loss for words as she watched the tears flowing from the ten - year - olds ' eyes . It hurt her deeply to see the child in such torment . She offered Clarinda her handkerchief to wipe her tears and watched as the child composed herself and put on a strong front for her siblings who looked on with frightened faces . They were just babies , thought Angela . What was she taking on ? Could she do this ? Angela waved at the little ones and put her hands out to them and they came forward and grabbed onto her fingers as they were visibly trembling from everything going on around them . Angela could see they were confused and frightened and missed their mother . She waited at the door with the children holding tightly to her fingers as Clarinda came back with her hands full of clothes and a few ragged stuffed animals . She rummaged around in the kitchen for a plastic bag in which to put their clothes and two stuffed animals . Now it was time to go to Mrs . Antonelli 's house . She really didn 't know anything about this lady but what her mother had told her - she was a cold woman who didn 't like children and never had any of her own . Would she be good to her and her siblings ? She would protect her brother and sister and not let this lady hurt them in any way . She took a deep breath as she always had to get her strength up and face whatever was ahead . She turned to face Mrs . Antonelli who was holding onto her brother and sister . Mrs . Antonelli looked kindly at Clarinda and said , " Hi Clarinda , it is nice to meet you . I hope you and your brother and sister will be happy staying with me while your mother recuperates . Do you have everything you need ? If not , I will get whatever you need for all of you . Don 't worry about anything , dear . Let me take care of you . " Angela waited to see what Clarinda would say but she just looked at Mrs . Antonelli with eyes full of tears threatening to fall . Mrs . Antonelli beckoned for Clarinda to come forward so they could leave . The children were getting antsy and tired and were hungry . They hadn 't eaten since noon time . Clarinda only hoped that Mrs . Antonelli would feed the children so they would be able to sleep the night through with full tummies . She couldn 't remember when she last had a full tummy at bedtime or any time . Angela led the children out to her car after locking up the house and making sure that Clarinda had a key to get back in case she forgot something . After making sure the children were snapped into seat belts she headed home . She would have to make sure she purchased car seats for the younger children . At least she didn 't have to go too far with them since she only lived a block away and didn 't have to worry about being stopped and fined for not having them in car seats . When they arrived at her house , Angela went to the kitchen and prepared a nourishing dinner for the children . They looked a little pale and underfed and by what Dr . Harvey said they were very needy . Looking around the room at their house she hadn 't seen any signs of toys that children always leave out and about . She reminded herself to make a list for toys and more snacks that kids like on her next shopping trip . The saddest of all was the lack of any Christmas decorations for the children in their house . She would take care of that too before Christmas . In the meantime Angela had a lot to do and for once in her life felt alive and full of purpose and needed . Her husband was expected from work shortly and she would have to call ahead to prepare him for what she had promised to do . Leonard was a kind man and would be more than accepting of their three young visitors . Angela dialed her husband and Leonard answered in his usual gregarious voice , " Hi Doll Face ! How are you ? You couldn 't wait for me to come home - you missed me that much ? Is everything okay , love ? " " Yes , sweetheart , I just wanted to tell you something that I did today . It 's very important and I needed to help and …… " Angela didn 't know how to tell him but finally blurted it out . " I took in Mrs . Davis ' three children , the lady who does our curtains and things over on the next block . She was just admitted to the hospital in a bad way and her physician , Dr . Harvey , called me to help out until she is well enough to care for her children again . " " Sweetheart , whatever you have to do is okay with me . I know you have a kind heart and would take in any stray dog if it needed your help . It is fine with me . How did this doctor know to call you ? Do you know him ? " " No , but he knew from Mrs . Davis ' oldest daughter that she worked for me . He said he didn 't have anyone else to call . I hope you don 't mind , darling . They will be under my care and you won 't have to worry about anything . " " No , I don 't mind . Our house is too big for just us anyway and it would be nice to hear the pitter patter of little feet for a change . Oh , by the way , how old are these children ? " " Well , the oldest , Clarinda , is ten and a real beauty with dark brown hair and beautiful blue eyes , then there is Andrew , a handsome four - year - old with blond hair and green eyes and his baby sister , Brenda , who is only two . She is just adorable with curly blonde hair and pretty green eyes . Your heart will melt when you meet them . They are so precious and so needy . Would you believe that they don 't own any toys or new clothes ? Also , there were no signs of Christmas in their house . It is so sad for children to live that way . Their mother was having a difficult time on her own . I never realized that she needed help . I would have been more than happy to help if she only had asked me . " " I am sure you will do more than enough to help them now that you know they need help , sweetheart . It is good to hear you sounding so happy . I can 't wait to get home to meet them . See you soon , Angela . " Angela put down the phone and continued making dinner , mac and cheese and chicken fingers and mixed veggies . She wanted to make sure the kids got their veggies too . She heard the sound of feet coming up behind her and looked down to see the sweet faces of Brenda and Andrew and close behind was Clarinda . They were looking at the food with such longing that she told them to go wash their hands and faces and come sit down to eat . They hurried along to the bathroom that had been pointed out to them earlier and came back and sat down before Angela could turn back around with the food in hand . The children were sitting down with napkins tucked under their chins and forks in hand waiting expectantly for their much coveted dinner . Angela placed a plate full of food in front of each child and stepped back . Clarinda jumped up and ran over to her sister 's side and began cutting up her chicken and then moved over to Andrew 's and did the same for him . Angela watched in awe as this young girl acted as if she was their mother . Once she had taken care of her sibling 's needs she sat down and began to eat her own food . The children were so hungry that they ate too fast at first and began to choke . Clarinda jumped up once again to aid her siblings and told them to slow down and chew their food carefully . Angela sat at the other end of the table and watched as the children finished every last morsel in their dishes and drank every drop of their milk . " No , we are fine , thank you , Mrs . Antonelli . It was very good . " Clarinda turned to her siblings and said , " Say ' thank you ' to Mrs . Antonelli , Brenda and Andrew . " Leonard had walked in quietly and had witnessed this unbeknownst to his wife and suddenly cleared his throat to get her attention . She rushed over to hug him and then introduced him to the children . They stood up and looked at him not sure what to do or say . Clarinda broke the silence by saying , " Hello , Mr . Antonelli , nice to meet you . Thank you for letting us stay in your home . " She walked over to Leonard and extended her small hand in greeting . Clarinda brought her brother and sister in turn over to Mr . Antonelli and they both shake his hand too . Leonard just wiped his eyes and smiled and said , " It is a real pleasure to meet all of you too . I hope you enjoy staying with us as much as I am sure we will enjoy you being here . " Angela finished up the dishes and told Leonard that she was going to put the children to bed upstairs in the three guest rooms . They had five bedrooms and four bathrooms which they had hoped one day to fill . Now at least they would be using three of them . The children followed Angela up the long winding staircase to begin their unexpected stay at this big strange house . When they were situated in their rooms Clarinda requested that they all stay in the same room since there were two beds in each spacious room which was more than enough for the three of them . She didn 't want to be separated from her siblings and they too would not do well too far away from her either . Once Brenda 's head hit the pillow she was off as well as Andrew . It was the first time they had full stomachs at bedtime . Once she was sure they were asleep she allowed herself to snuggle down under the warm , soft comforter and she , too , fell fast asleep . Angela peeked in at them and tucked them all in and gave each a peck on the cheek . She shut off the light but not before looking fondly at each sweet face in the beds . She felt such a longing and a tightness in her chest that she thought she was having a heart attack . She realized that it was pure joy at finally having children in her home , something that she had always wanted . Angela flew downstairs to her husband and rushed into his arms as her tears fell onto his shoulder . He held her tightly and said , " Whatever happens , sweetheart , I promise you that we will adopt a child once these children go back to their mother . I see now how much you need to have a child and , I have to admit , I need one too . These three are very precious aren 't they ? " " I pray that their mother recovers and can take care of them . I wanted to talk to you about that . Do you think she will mind if we give each child a share of our trust so that they can have enough to eat , clothes to wear and be able to get a good education one day . Maybe we can give them the best Christmas they ever had this year . " " Tomorrow we will go out and start Christmas shopping for the children and decorate the house and get a tree and …… Oh , Leonard , I have never felt happier in my life all due to poor Mrs . Davis ' getting sick . I pray that she will be well soon . In the meantime we will give her children a home with us and do all we can to help her by paying all her bills in the hospital and on her house . No one should have to live as she did . Maybe she would like to live here with us . We certainly have enough room for everyone . We have so much to give and we need so little for ourselves . Up until now I didn 't feel like celebrating Christmas and hadn 't even bothered to put up the tree . But now with these lovely children I want to go all out and decorate from top to bottom . " " Yes , my darling , whatever your heart desires we will do . It is such a joy to see you so happy . But let 's take it one day at a time . We don 't want Mrs . Davis to feel as if we are trying to take over . She may want to go to her own home when she is well . The ringing of the phone startled them as they were lost in their plans . Leonard went to pick it up and raised his hand for Angela to come closer as she heard him say , " Yes , Dr . Harvey , the children are doing fine . They are all tucked in bed and sound asleep . How is Mrs . Davis doing ? Do you know when she will be returning home yet ? " Dr . Harvey explained , " She is very sick but is coming around now and is taking fluids . I hope to see her feeling better by tomorrow in case you want to bring the children by for a little while . They will have to wear masks when they visit with her . We don 't want them getting sick too . She asked for them as soon as she was awake . I told her that you and your wife were taking care of them . She was very pleased and said to tell you ' thank you very much for your kindness . ' " " Yes , we were just discussing that . We want to bring the children by on Christmas Day so they can celebrate the day with their mother . I will bring a dinner for all of us if you care to join us . Will the hospital allow us to do that ? " " I will make sure they do . Don 't you worry about that , Mr . Antonelli . I have a lot of pull around here . Mrs . Davis will be very happy to hear this . It will give her an extra day to recuperate and rest more . This is very gracious of both of you . Thank you . Well , I just wanted to check in on the children . Have to get back to rounds . Hope you both have a good evening and thank you again . Goodnight . " " You are very welcome , Dr . Harvey . Goodnight . " Leonard hung up the phone and turned to his wife and nodded . " It is all set we can go visit on Christmas . The children will be so happy . " Clarinda jumped up from her warm bed and looked around and realized where she was but something wasn 't right . Oh my God ! She just remembered she forgot to bring Mrs . Antonelli 's wash ? How would she get paid so she could buy the children gifts for Christmas ? She must tell Mrs . Antonelli . Clarinda ran all the way down the stairs and stopped at the foot of the stairs when she saw the Antonelli 's hugging and crying . She wondered what was wrong . Were they upset because she and her siblings were there ? They went over to her and took her into their arms and hugged her . Clarinda hugged them back but was surprised at their gesture . She stepped back and said , " Excuse me Mr . & Mrs . Antonelli , but I almost forgot to tell you I finished your wash and left it at my house . Do you want me to go get it so you can pay me ? I need to buy my brother and sister and mother a gift for Christmas . " " Oh , no , dear sweet child . You will never have to wash or do anything like that again . We will take care of you and your siblings and your mother for as long as we live and you will never want for anything . May God bless you all . You will always have a home here , too , if you ever need us . " Clarinda couldn 't say a word she was shocked at what these nice people had just said . All she could do was cry and run into their arms and kiss them and thank them again and again but added , " Can we go visit our mother in the hospital on Christmas Day ? I don 't want her to be alone . " Clarinda looked on the verge of tears just talking about her sick mother . " Oh , dear sweet child , of course . We were going to tell you tomorrow about what we planned to do . We are going to go shopping for new clothes for you and your siblings and buy each of you a present to give to your mother for Christmas . We will bring a Christmas dinner to her and we can all eat together . I am sure the hospital will allow us to eat together so we can celebrate the holiday as a family . When we get back we will go over to your house and decorate and buy some new things for your rooms and for your mother too . We want your house to look like new for when your mother returns home . " Angela had tears in her eyes as she explained their plan . " Oh , Mr . & Mrs . Antonelli , this is the best Christmas I have ever had ! Thank you so much ! Now I can go to asleep ! I can 't wait to tell Andrew and Brenda that we are going to see Mama and celebrate Christmas together . Good night and Merry Christmas ! " Angela and Leonard hugged and cried as they talked excitedly about what they were going to do and buy for the children and their mother for Christmas . They had never remembered feeling such pure joy . They gave thanks to God for bringing these children and their mother into their lonely lives . They vowed from this day on to always give to those in need not just at Christmas time but all the time . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews , Short Stories . Tagged Adults , Children , Christmas , giving , Pay it forward , postaday , Sharing , Short Story , Teens , YA Review : Guilty Pleasures ( Anita Blake , Vampire Hunter # 1 ) ~ Laurell K . Hamilton Anita Blake may be small and young , but vampires call her the Executioner . Anita is a necromancer and vampire hunter in a time when vampires are protected by law - as long as they don 't get too nasty . Now someone 's killing innocent vampires and Anita agrees - with a bit of vampiric arm - twisting - to help figure out who and why . Trust is a luxury Anita can 't afford when her allies aren 't human . The city 's most powerful vampire , Nikolaos , is 1 , 000 years old and looks like a 10 - year - old girl . The second most powerful vampire , Jean - Claude , is interested in more than just Anita 's professional talents , but the feisty necromancer isn 't playing along - yet . The main protagonist is the Anita Blake mentioned in the title of this review , and I thoroughly enjoyed her and her character make up immensely . She is a strong - willed woman , very independent and has a sarcastic tongue that really helped me connect with her . She has flaws too , she is judgmental and extremely abrasive but these only add to her appeal and make her a character that both male and female readers can get to grips with , even if they cannot relate to her . I found it absolutely hilarious , and like so many people I know to discover that this character had never developed a working filter between her brain and her mouth . Through great descriptive writing I was able to build an image of this main lead in my mind 's eye , and this is something that some Authors are unable to do . All the other characters are treated with equal measure in this book , and are all given their personalities and flaws that the reader will either be drawn to , or dislike instantly . This book is a quick read and , although gory at times , well it does contain vampires so go figure , it is full of mystery and irreverent humour . However , I have to mention as a warning to those sensitive souls out there that the Author has managed to include a great deal of implied and actual eroticism in the storyline , so if this is not for you I would advise you to give the book a miss . My reason for the 4 thumbs review was the dialogue , and I felt at time that the Author was trying to see how many times they could have the speaker use the interlocutor 's name ; another reason is that although this is a darned good read it would never go down in the annals of classic writing and , if you want to enjoy them but don 't want to be seen doing so it would be a book to hide in something more ' high brow ' . Share this : Click to print ( Opens in new window ) MoreClick to email ( Opens in new window ) Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Telegram ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . Posted in No Spoiler Reviews . Tagged 4 thumbs , Horror , Murder , Mystery , Paranormal , postaday , Romance , St Louis , Vampires Post navigation Welcome everyone to my blog ! My name is Cate and I recently decided that , rather than keep my reviews of books I 've read limited to one medium , I would create a blog for every book lover to access on the internet . Why ? Well , because I love to read and also because I want to help out authors by giving their books a spotlight on my blog , and possibly help them reach a wider audience . So take a look around and enjoy yourself ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
The characters Becka , Harper , and Trance are from the TV show ' Gene Roddenberry 's Andromeda ' , and they don 't belong to me . I am making no money from the stories I write . All the other characters in this story do belong to me . The events in this story take place before the events in the TV show . Please be aware that the stories contain discipline , and I hope you enjoy it . Harper was putting the slipstream back together , and talking to himself . He said , " Damn slip stream . Stupid Clarissa . What a bunch of creeps . It 's not good enough to share fifty - fifty , even though we found the deserted ship first . No , now they want all the good stuff for themselves . Sabotaging my poor Maru 's slipstream so we can 't get away . It 's okay baby , I 'll fix you up . Don 't worry about a thing . With Harper on the job , you 'll be running in no time . Of course if I had a neural port , you might have been up and running half an hour ago right after they started firing on us . Does Becka listen to me when I tell her how useful a neural port would be ? No , it 's always " Maybe when we 're not so busy " or " Can 't you see I 'm working " or my personal favorite " We need to check it out more and make sure it 's safe enough for you . Becka shouldn 't have agreed to share the loot anyway . I mean did she really think the crew of the Clarissa could be trusted ? We should have just blown them out of space . I sure … " The Maru shook again as the Clarissa came around the meteor they 'd been hiding behind . Harper put on the last piece of the slipstream , and turned it on . Harper said , " As a matter of fact , I think you should stay where you are , and go to slipstream , ' cause it 's fixed . " Becka went to slipstream , and got away from the Clarissa easily . By the end of the day they had sold the salvaged parts from the vacant ship , and they were playing a game of cards in the mess hall when Harper decided to bring up his neural port again . This time , he decided to try a less direct approach . Harper said , " Hey Becka , we don 't have any jobs lined up for the next two weeks , right ? " " That 's great Becka ! I 'm sure it 'll be safe . They do hundreds every year . And while I 'm recovering , you can go look for work . I really do believe we 'll be able to find work there . " Harper had nothing nice to say to that , and for once he kept his mouth shut . Becka said , " And if I tell you that you can 't get one , you 'd better stop telling me every day how much better each job I give you would be if you had a neural port . I 'm already tired of it . " Becka disliked Newmars before they even landed . As they approached the planet , the Maru was hailed . A male voice said , " Welcome to Newmars . Please state your business , your ship 's id number , the number of crew members , and the captain 's license number . " Becka said , " We 're here to look for work , and to get information about neural port surgeries . The ship is a cargo class number 593 . The crew is two members , and I 'll have to go find my license to get the number . " Becka went to find her id . As she was headed to her room , Harper came out of the little room he liked to call his workshop . Becka thought it looked like piles of junk with a table and tools in the middle , but since Harper always got stuff fixed when she asked , she didn 't say anything about it . Harper said , " Hey boss , I heard the hail , do you have a license ? " Becka said , " Well I have a fake one . I never got a real one , because my father and uncle built this ship away from the main systems . Then when I got old enough , he helped me get a fake one . He thought it was safer not to let the main systems have your real information . " Becka said , " I hadn 't thought about it , but yes you will . I 'll show you what mine looks like , and you can try to make one for yourself before we land . Your home planet can be Louties . For most people I would say use your real first name , and change your last name on the fake id , but since you usually use your last name as your first , I would say keep that and add a different last name . " Soon they both had identification that was good enough to pass normal inspection . As soon as they landed , a woman met them at their ship and said , " Welcome to Newmars . Please follow me , and we can get your paperwork ready for your stay . " After a half an hour of filling out forms and having someone look through their ship , Becka was almost fed up enough to just leave . Harper looked at Becka and could see she was tense all over . He said , " Thanks so much for coming here for me Becka . Now that we 're done with paperwork , can we go to the medical center , and try to get an appointment ? " " Yeah , that would be really smart what with you having a doctor 's appointment tomorrow . And let 's not even mention that the drinking age on Newmars is 25 . " " Okay , okay , so what should we do now ? " " It 's okay Harper . I know this means a lot to you , so I 'm willing to put up with the bull for a week or two . But if you don 't get the surgery , I want to leave tomorrow . " Harper nodded his head and said , " Yeah . I didn 't know any of the planets still had this much order to them . It kind of freaks me out . Even being overrun by Neitschians seems less horrible . " " So , I guess if you do get the surgery , and I 'm here for a week or two , I 'll look for work that I can do here and that I can finish in a day or two . Like maybe helping to repair ships or something . And I guess if I can 't find work , I 'll spend my time with you at the medical center . I think for now we should just go back to the Maru and relax for the rest of the day . I am so tired of red tape , I want to shoot something . " " Sounds good to me boss . The relaxing part not the shooting part that is . Well , come to think of it , that doesn 't sound too bad either . " In the morning they went to meet the doctor . Becka and Harper were shown to the doctor 's office . Soon a man came in and said , " Hello , I 'm Dr . Jacob , my assistant Trance will be with us shortly . " Everyone sat down , and Harper said , " I want to get a neural port . Becka here wants all the details on the surgery . If the details all meet with her approval , I 'll want to schedule an appointment to have the surgery as soon as possible . " Dr . Jacob said , " All right , but before we get started , I need to know how old you are . I didn 't pay attention to your age when I was going over your information . But you look younger than I expected , and we won 't put a neural port in a human under the age of sixteen . " The doctor said , " Good . Okay , I 'll go over some basic information . First off , the surgery takes about four hours . Then the recovery time in the hospital is a minimum of five days , but we suggest seven days . You should feel like yourself again around the third day . We need to keep you under observation for five days , because your body can reject some of the circuitry , and it can start to deteriorate without you feeling it . Then if you try to use the port , it can do some serious damage to your brain . We 've never had a case of the body rejecting the wiring after the five days is up , but we just feel it is safer with seven days . Any questions so far ? " " Okay . During the recovery time , if your body starts to reject the wiring we 'll do an immediate surgery to take that neural port out . At this point you would have two options . We could try one more time with a new neural port , or we could just patch you up , and send you on your way . Now for some statistics so you have an understanding of what the likelihood of all this is . I have been in this hospital for seventeen years . In that time we have done thousands of these surgeries . I have known of eight patients whose bodies rejected the wiring . Only one of them was human . Of those eight , five had a new neural port put in , and of those five , only two of them had their bodies reject the wiring a second time . The human was one of the patients who had a second one put in , and the second one worked for him . We have had three patients die while in surgery , and none of them were human . All in all , it 's a fairly safe procedure that has been perfected over time . Any questions now ? " Dr . Jacob said , " Harper will have a headache for the first two days , and his neck will be swollen and sore . We 'll be medicating him during this time , or he would have a debilitating migraine . He might have a slight headache for a day or two after that , but most people don 't . Then the only time he should have pain , is when the neural port gets bumped , or used improperly . " When Harper saw Trance the first word that came to his mind was beautiful . He had no idea what species she was . Her skin had a slight lavender color to it . Her short hair was blond and managed to be both spiky and puffy at the same time . Her ears came to a point on the top . She had big eyes , full lips , and she was smiling in a way that made her whole face look radiant . She had a human female form , with the addition of a long tail . Dr . Jacob said , " This is my assistant Trance . Trance , this is Mr . Harper Smith , and his friend Becka . " Trance looked at Harper who was staring at her . The silence lasted for a couple of seconds until Becka nudged Harper . He tore his eyes away from Trance to look at Becka . Becka was looking at him expectantly and he realized what the problem was . He looked back at Trance and stammered . " N … nice to meet you . " Trance nodded and said , " Usually about the third day of recovery time , we start training sessions . We generally have two sessions a day , and they last for about an hour to an hour and a half each . You will learn how to use the neural port safely , and how to keep from hurting yourself . If you decide to do the surgery , I 'll be overseeing your training program . " Harper couldn 't believe his luck and just nodded his head . Becka said , " How in depth are the training sessions ? I mean , Harper is the engineer for my ship , and sometimes he has to fix things quickly under pressure , so do the training sessions just go over some basics , or do they go over real life problems and solutions ? Trance said , " There are various simulations that we do to get people ready for problems that they will encounter in real life . All the simulations are in a controlled environment on a computer system that can be disconnected from the rest of the network in case of trouble . " Harper said , " That 's all the questions I have . We 've been looking into this for a while now , and I 've read all about the surgery and the risks . I guess Becka and I need to talk alone for a few minutes before I decide . If I do decide to get it done , when could I get it done ? " Dr . Jacob said , " Well if you decided to do it , then we could take some blood samples , and some brain scans today . We should have all the results from those by tomorrow morning , and then we could do the surgery that afternoon . The surgery has to be done within twenty four hours of the brain scan . " Trance said , " We should give you some time to talk . If you 'll follow me , I 'll show you to another room where you can be alone . When you 've made a decision , just open the door , and someone will be with you shortly . " Becka and Harper got up and followed Trance to another room . He couldn 't stop staring at her tail while they followed her . It looked to him like a cat 's tail with no fur . He liked the way it swayed while she walked . They got in the room and sat down . As Trance was closing the door she said , " I 'm sure you will make the right decision . " Harper looked Becka in the eyes and said , " I really want to do this . I 'm aware of all the risks , and I am willing to take them . It will make me useful for the rest of my life , no mater how old or feeble I get . What do you think ? " Becka said , " I don 't like the idea of it as much as you do , but I think we 've looked at all the information , and I think it 's safe enough . If you still want to do it in the morning , you can . " Harper , who was sitting next to Becka on a couch , reached out and hugged Becka . He said , " Thanks Becka . " Harper went and opened the door . Trance was standing in the hall a few doors down , and smiled at him . She said , " Well that was the quickest decision we have ever had , and I know it was the right one . " Over the next couple of hours they did all the preliminary work on Harper , and got things set up for the surgery . The next day they got up and puttered around the Maru until it was time to go to the hospital . On the way , Becka said , " Are you sure about this Harper ? You know you can still back out if you 've changed your mind . " At the hospital Becka stayed with Harper while they got him ready for surgery . Trance came in and put an IV in to start to put him to sleep . Once Harper was out , a couple of orderlies came to take Harper to the surgery room . Trance showed Becka to the waiting room and said , " Don 't worry Becka , Harper is going to be fine . " After four long hours Trance came back and said , " It 's over , and it went very well . If you want to come with me , you can see Harper , but he won 't be awake for a few hours yet . Becka followed Trance , and went to see Harper . He was lying in bed with a big bandage on his neck . Becka thought he looked very pale and young . To her surprise , Trance sat down next to her and said , " So , what 's your story ? " Becka was all for honesty , but she didn 't like to share personal stuff with people she just met . It could be dangerous . She said , " I own a cargo ship , and Harper is my engineer . " Trance looked disappointed for a second . Then she smiled and said , " I 've been working in this hospital for about four years now . It 's really nice to be able to help people . The society I grew up in valued helping others above most other things , so I decided to try working in a hospital . I enjoy it for the most part . " Trance paused for a minute like she expected Becka to comment . Then she sighed and said , " For the rest of the day , and tomorrow , Harper is going to be in considerable pain even though we 're giving him pain medication . We 'll be letting him rest during this time . It 'll help his recovery if he eats , but most patients feel sick , and don 't eat much . Then the day after tomorrow we 'll start with some training . The reason I asked about you and Harper , is because he 'll be needing support , and we 're all pretty busy here , so if you are able to , it would be good if you could visit him pretty often in the next two days . " Harper woke up about two hours later . Becka was sitting in the chair next to him reading a book . She smiled at him as he groaned . She pushed the nurse button , and said quietly , " How are you feeling Harper honey ? " A nurse came in to check Harper 's vitals , and put a new IV up . For two days Harper lay in bed and tried to ignore the pain . Becka spent most of her time with Harper reading to him , or just sitting with him . On the third day the pain lessened , and the training sessions started . Harper knew he had made the right decision the first time he jacked in . It was the most exciting thing he had ever done . He even thought it was better than surfing . Harper had always been interested in electronics and how things worked even when he was very little . Seeing the computer from the inside gave him a new perspective , and he knew once he saw the Maru from the inside he would have a greater understanding of how the ships parts and functions all worked together . During the three days following that , Harper had a training session every morning and every night . Trance and the other hospital staff were quite surprised at how quickly Harper learned to use his neural port , and they were amazed when he beat all the previous records for completing the simulations . Because he could finish them so quickly , he was able to go through more simulations than any other patient they had ever had . Becka had tried looking for work as soon as Harper was well enough to start his training sessions , but after one day of that , she decided it was hopeless and spent most of her time in the Hospital . Becka and Trance sat in on all of Harper 's training sessions , and Becka slowly warmed up to Trance . Trance said , " I think you 're ready to try this in the real world Harper . It isn 't normal , but I 've gotten clearance from the hospital to try something different with you because of your test scores on the simulations . Maybe you 'll even help us out . One of our ambulance ships isn 't working like it should . It 's systems will seem pretty simple compared to a starship , so you should be able to find your way around it pretty fast . Hopefully you can get it working at full capacity again . " Harper said , " Lets do it now . I 'm ready for more . " Trance said , " No Harper . It 's important when the neural port is new , to only use it for two or three hours a day . Probably for at least the first month you should keep it under three hours a day . Also every seventh day or so , you should take a break , and not use it at all . After the first month it 's okay to slowly increase the time you spend in the computer , but you should never do more than five hours a day , and you should always take at least one day off every seven days . " Harper thought to himself ' That sucks , and of course Trance would have to say this in front of Becka . ' He pouted a bit and said , " Okay . " Becka saw the pout and thought ' Well , this is going to be a struggle . ' That night Harper had a great time jacked into the hospital 's ship . He was able make it run much better after just half an hour . It made him very anxious to explore the Maru . On the seventh day , Becka arrived in the morning after Harper had eaten breakfast , and soon Trance joined them . Trance explained that today they would be doing the full work up on Harper again . They would be checking his blood and doing scans and tests . Harper groaned and said , " Yuck . " " Yes , but we always make people rest on the last day they stay with us . Mostly because all the testing you 'll have today is stressful , but also because the hospital found out long ago that patients don 't usually follow our advice about resting . We used to let people jack in every day they were here if things were going well , but many people didn 't rest after being released from the hospital . Then after a few weeks of jacking in every day , they would be back here with complaints of headaches and pain . " Harper didn 't react well to this news . He crossed his arms and clenched his jaw . He frowned and said ; " Well that 's just great ! Now I get a nice relaxing day full of annoying tests with nothing good to look forward to . Perfect . " Becka had transported people before , and she didn 't think it was too bad . They were more trouble than cargo , but usually paid better too . She said , " Let me meet the person , and then we can talk about price if I decide to transport them . " Trance said in a rush , " I would really like to try something new . I 've been thinking about leaving Newmars for a while now , and I 've enjoyed spending time with you and Harper . I would pay you of course . " Trance said , " Well I think I 've done all that I can working here . I 've gained many skills here that will enable me to offer my aid to others , but all the people who come here are well off , and have plenty of other ways to get help if we didn 't help them . I want to help people who really need me . I haven 't been to any of the outer planets , but I 'm sure there are people in need of medical attention , or in need of some other kinds of assistance , and riding with you would be a good way for me to find those people . " " I 'm gonna need to think about it for a while . As I 'm sure you 've noticed , Harper and I are pretty much like family , and while we would have no problem transporting someone for a couple of days , having someone around for a longer period of time would be a big change . I 'll talk to Harper and let you know our decision by tomorrow morning before Harper checks out . " By the time dinner was being served , Harper 's testing was done , and he was truly glad it was over . Becka was in his room waiting to visit and talk to him about Trance . Harper perked up even more when he saw Becka . He said , " Hey , how was your day ? Mine sucked . " Harper said , " I think that sounds great . I like Trance . She 's been really nice to me , and it would be helpful to have a medical type person aboard if one of us gets sick or injured . What do you think ? " Becka said , " Yeah , I agree . It may only be for a little while . There are plenty of places she could be very useful because of her medical knowledge , and she 'll be paying us to stay aboard . And come to think of it I like her too . " They both smiled and Becka was about to leave when Trance came in somewhat abruptly and said , " I heard from several people that you were grumpy today . Is your head hurting ? All your tests came back normal , but if you don 't feel good , we may need to do some more testing . " He thought ' this is not good ' and said , " No I feel fine . " Trance looked at him and said with concern in her voice , " Are you sure you 're feeling okay . At least five people said that you were mean or abrupt with them today , and they all thought something was wrong with you , since you 've been so nice to everyone the whole time you 've been here . You really need to be honest if anything is hurting . " Harper blushed and said ; " Nothing hurts . " Harper thought about his day . He had been unhappy , and he had been extremely unpleasant to the people around him . He hadn 't really thought about the possibility that the hospital staff would tell Trance that there might be something wrong with him . He thought they might complain amongst themselves , and maybe even tell Trance he had been unpleasant , but he hadn 't counted on them being worried about him . Becka was looking pretty mad now . Harper looked at her and his stomach started to twist a bit . He swallowed hard , and heard Becka say , " Trance , can you give us a minute alone please . I 'll come open the door when we 're done . " Harper hung his head and shook it no . Becka sighed and picked up the note pad and pencil that were beside the bed . She wrote something and said , " Well Harper , there are a few hours before you need to go to sleep , so I want you to go find each of the people you were mean to and apologize to them . Don 't you shake your head at me mister . If you don 't know who someone was , then Trance can help you find the person . Then after that you will write this for me fifty times before you go to bed tonight . " Harper looked at the paper Becka handed him . It said , ' I will not be mean to people just because I am in a bad mood . " He said , " This isn 't fair . I hate tests . " Becka said , " If you don 't do it , then you and I will have a little ' talk ' about your behavior when we get back to the Maru . I don 't like to hear from other people that you were being obnoxious and acting like a ten - year - old . Have I made myself clear ? " Becka cleared her throat and gave Harper a look that clearly meant ' Try again ! ' Harper still had his arms crossed and looked down while he said , " I 'm sorry I was mean to everyone today . I just was really unhappy about the tests , and I took it out on everyone . I really do feel fine . " Trance smiled and said , " That 's okay Harper . I know the testing can get tiring . I 'm glad to know you 're okay . I 'll let everyone know you 're fine , and tell them not to worry . " Harper smiled and started to say ' That would be great . ' Then he looked at Becka and he could tell she was serious about him apologizing . He said , " Actually Trance , I feel bad about today , and I would really like it if you could take me around to everyone so I could apologize in person . " Becka rolled her eyes while Trance was looking at Harper . Becka could tell that Trance would be no help keeping Harper in line if she came with them . Becka interrupted , " I think it would be good for Harper to apologize in person . He feels really bad about it , and it will make him feel better . " While Trance was looking at Becka , Harper rolled his eyes back at her . He could tell that if Trance came with them , Becka would be just as bossy as ever , but Trance would be a push over . Trance smiled and said , " Well okay then . " Becka walked over and kissed Harper on the forehead before saying , " I 'm going home for the night . Try to get some rest , and I 'll be back tomorrow morning to pick you up and take you home . " Trance showed Harper to all the people that had worked with him that day , and he was truly embarrassed at the amount of affection and understanding they all gave him . They all forgave him easily , and told him they understood how horrible all the testing could be . Harper felt much worse by the time he got back to his room . He realized after the first couple of apologies that the people he had been mean to were really very nice , and he had made them feel bad for no good reason . He hated it when Becka was right . He picked up the note pad beside the bed , and started to write lines . By the time he was done he felt a little better , but he was still upset that Becka had made him do it . He sat and thought about how much his day had sucked . He thought , ' I had to do the horrible testing all day , and then Becka got mad and embarrassed me by making me apologize to everyone . Then on top of everything else , I had to write lines . What 's that about anyway ? What a huge waste of my time ! This has been an abysmal day , and I didn 't even get to jack in . Rest every seven days my ass . We 'll just see about that . ' The more Harper thought about it the more angry he got . He was really tired of everyone telling him what to do . He thought ' I 'm a responsible adult even if Becka can 't see it . I was taking care of myself for a long time before she came along , and I don 't need her looking after me now . I know what my body can handle . I 'll jack in any time I want to . She just doesn 't need to know about it . In fact I could jack in right now . ' Harper knew the training room wasn 't used at night , and the more he thought about it , the more he wanted to go play in the computer . He figured he had ' rested ' all day , and he conveniently overlooked the fact that all the testing had been stressful , and that he was feeling tired . He decided to go jack in for just a little while . He knew the night was slow in his area of the hospital , and no one would come to check on him for about two hours . He found it was pretty easy to sneak out and get to the training room . He sat down and jacked in . Harper was having a good time . He had been in for about half an hour when someone he didn 't know came in the room . The woman said , " You 're Harper right ? " Harper knew that couldn 't be good at all . As he pulled the connector out of his neck Trance and a large male orderly came into the room . For a couple of seconds they all just stood there looking at Harper while he looked around for an escape like a trapped animal . Harper noticed that the orderly was one of the people he had apologized to a while ago . Harper gulped . Trance and the orderly looked really angry , and he knew he couldn 't say anything to defend what he had done . He eventually looked down , and waited for someone else to say something . Trance said , " Kyle will you please escort Mr . Smith back to his room , and see that he stays there . " Harper felt a massive hand on his arm pulling him towards the door . He said quietly , " I can walk myself . " Trance said , " I 'm sure you can , but I guess we can 't trust you to go back to your room without a babysitter . " Harper decided he needed to re - evaluate his opinion of Trance . Maybe she wouldn 't be as easygoing as he thought she would be . He went with Kyle without further comment . Kyle took Harper to his room and sat him on his bed . Kyle said , " I 'll be right outside the door if you need anything . " He made it sound like a threat . Harper 's main thoughts for the next half an hour were about how to keep Becka from finding out what he had done . He knew what she would think of his little trip , and he had a pretty good idea of what she would do about it too . While Harper was thinking , Trance came in . He expected her to be angry , but she just looked like she was disappointed in him , and Harper felt pretty bad about that . She always seemed happy to him , and this night was the first time he had seen her without a smile . She said , " Harper what in the universe would make you decide it was a good idea to jack in tonight ? " Trance said , " Well this doesn 't bode well for you . If you 're the type of person who can 't handle self - discipline , then you 'll be back here within the month . You 'll have over used the neural port , and we 'll end up having to remove it to keep you safe . I really thought you were more sensible than that . " Harper nodded his head and said , " I usually am . I 'm really sorry . It won 't happen again . Please don 't tell Becka . It 'll just upset her . " Harper thought ' Sure she 'll forgive me . Right after she punishes me she 'll forgive me . Forget that ! Tomorrow I 'll tell Trance that I told Becka , and then Becka doesn 't have to hear about it . ' He said , " Alright . I 'll tell her . " Trance said , " Okay , I 'm glad that 's settled . Now we 'll be putting this electronic bracelet on you for the night . We really can 't afford to have the orderly standing outside the door all night , so this bracelet will let us know if you leave your room . " Harper looked at the bracelet , and realized it was made for children who had to stay in the hospital . He said , " No ! I mean , we don 't need to do that . I swear I 'll stay in my room the rest of the night ! Really . " Harper reluctantly let her put the bracelet on . When he was alone , he looked closely at the bracelet . He knew he could remove it without setting off the alarm , but he left it on . He figured Becka would take a dim view of his tampering with hospital equipment , especially if she found out why it was put on . He had trouble falling asleep . He kept imagining Becka 's reaction to his adventure , and it wasn 't good . The next morning Becka was there early . She found Trance and said , " Good morning . Did Harper do all of his apologizing last night ? " Trance smiled and said , " Yes he did , and everyone was very pleased about it . I think he made quite a few people happy . We 're used to rude patients , so when one is really nice , it 's a pleasant surprise . " Becka smiled and said , " Great . I wanted you to know that I 've decided to let you travel with us , until you find the place you want to stay . Do you want to go talk about money , and a contract ? " By the time the two women had come to an agreement , Harper was ready to be released . Becka went to Harper 's room , and gave him a big hug . She said , " Are you ready to get out of here ? " Harper said , " You bet boss . " Becka looked over the paper and then threw it away . She smiled and said , " Good . I just signed the contract with Trance . She 'll be going with us . After she finishes her day here at the hospital , she 'll go home and pack . Then she 'll be joining us aboard the Maru tomorrow morning . " Harper smiled a bit and said , " Great . " His thoughts were jumbled . He couldn 't decide if he should be happy , angry , scared , or relieved . He thought , ' It 'll be good to have Trance aboard , because I really like her , but I 'm sure one of the first things she 'll do is bring up last nights activities . Maybe she won 't mention it . But if I don 't tell Becka , and then Trance tells her , Becka will see that as a lie . Then she 'll be even angrier with me than she 's gonna be any way . Crap . What should I do ? If I tell her what I did , she 's gonna spank me again . Well maybe she won 't . I just know she will . This sucks . Sucks , Sucks , Sucks ! ' Becka watched various emotions flash across Harper 's face . She waited patiently for him to work out his thoughts . Harper bit his lip and then said , " When we get home I 'll need to tell you about last night , and you aren 't going to like it . " Harper had the bracelet removed , and signed all the papers . Becka had brought his money for him , and he paid off his bill . He noticed that they charged him extra for the bracelet , which pissed him off , but didn 't want to say anything bad to them about it with Becka there . Trance came to see them before they left . She said , " So I 'll see you both tomorrow at the airport . " The ride back to the Maru was silent . When they got in , Becka said , " Lets go talk in the mess hall . " Harper nodded . They spent most of their time together when they were just talking and having fun in the mess hall . Becka got them both some juice , and sat down to listen to Harper . Harper said in a rush , " Last night after I apologized to everyone and wrote my lines , I went to the training room and jacked in . About half an hour later they found me , and made me go back to my room . " Becka sat quietly for a few minutes while Harper squirmed in his seat and felt his stomach churning . Becka looked in Harper 's eyes and said , " Thank you for being honest and telling me about it before I found out from someone else . Why did you do it ? " Harper mumbled something that Becka couldn 't quite make out . She said in a clam voice , " I couldn 't hear you . Why did you jack in last night knowing that you were told not to by the hospital ? " Harper said , " Because I was mad , and I wanted to . " Harper followed her slowly to her bedroom . She closed the door after them . She said , " Harper , I need to think for a minute . Please go stand and face that corner until I call for you . " Harper looked surprised , but went to the corner without complaint . He was happy to put off the inevitable . Becka thought her informal command style usually worked well for them , but she decided they needed to write down a few rules about his neural port . That way there would be no misunderstandings between them . She could tell it was something that Harper was going to push every chance he got . She went to her desk and wrote some of her thoughts down . She could see Harper fidgeting in the corner . When she was done writing , she pulled the desk chair out and put the back of it against her bed . She went to get the hairbrush off her dresser and said , " Okay Harper come here . " Harper saw the chair and the hairbrush and felt like crying already . He slowly walked over to Becka . She gave him a quick hug , because he looked so miserable , and then sat down , and pulled him face down across her lap . She said , " After this spanking we 're going to work together and make a short list of rules for your neural port . " He felt her arm around his waist holding him tighter , and he closed his eyes and held his breath without realizing he was doing it . Soon he felt it and heard it . Smack , smack ! He let his breath out in a grunt , and tried to be still and quiet while she spanked him . By the tenth swat he couldn 't be still or quiet . He started squirming to get away , and yelping with each swat . Becka held him tight and continued to spank him . By the twentieth , Harper knew he couldn 't take much more without crying . He yelled , " I 'm sorry … Aah … Becka please … Oohh … stop , please ! Harper could barely make out what she was saying and yelled , " I won 't … Oww … do it again ! … Unhh … Please stop ! … Aahhh Becka shook her head and kept spanking . Soon Harper did start to cry , and he stopped pleading . Becka concentrated the last few spanks on his sit spots . When she was done , she tossed the brush behind her on the bed . She rubbed Harper 's back for a minute while he lay there . He realized she wasn 't holding him down anymore , and started to stand up . She helped him up , and then pulled him to a sitting position on her lap . She made sure most of the pressure was on his thighs , and not his butt . He struggled a bit , but soon let her hold him while he cried . When he had calmed down enough to talk he said , " I 'm s . . sorry Becka . " Harper stood up and rubbed his butt while he watched Becka put away her chair and brush . Then she picked up the paper she had been writing on and said , " Go get cleaned up and meet me in the mess hall . We 'll have lunch and go over some rules for the neural port . " Harper nodded and headed for the bathroom . He drank some water and took an aspirin . He wiped up his face and looked at his butt in the mirror . It was very red with some lighter raised spots where he would be sitting . He didn 't understand how Becka had such good aim . Like the first time she spanked him , he was going to have just a couple of bruises where he sat down , and the rest of his butt would just be sore for a couple of days . He gently pulled his pants back up , and went to meet Becka in the mess hall . Becka sat on a stool by the counter with some blank paper and some sandwiches . Harper came and stood by her . While they ate , Becka said , " I just want us to make a quick list of the rules Trance told you to follow , so that we can make sure you don 't make yourself sick . " 2 . Harper will not use his neural port on the seventh day when he has used it for six days straight . 3 . Harper will not stay jacked in for more than three hours a day . Harper wasn 't happy with the list , but he agreed that it did seem fairly reasonable . Becka said , " Thanks for helping me make the list , and for not getting too upset about it . I know you don 't like me telling you what to do , but I really do worry that you 'll hurt yourself if you don 't have some kind of clear guidelines with this . I 'll keep this in my desk , in case we need to look at it again . " Harper didn 't say much , but he nodded . Becka decided now was a good time to bring up something she had been thinking about since she had agreed to take Trance aboard with them . She said , " Harper , there 's one more thing I want to make clear today , so there are no unpleasant surprises down the road for us . I want you to know that I will not hesitate to punish you while Trance is with us . " Harper looked horrified and said , " You can 't be serious ! " Becka said , " Yes I am serious . I don 't want to embarrass you or make you feel worse , but I will spank you if I think you need it . I 'll try to make it as private as possible by taking you to my room , and asking Trance to do something on the other side of the ship , but it 's a small ship , and she very well may hear us . " Becka counted to ten in her head and said calmly , " Let me rephrase it for you . I hope you don 't get into trouble while Trance is here , or ever for that matter . I really don 't want to embarrass you , but if you do something I consider dangerous , then I believe a little embarrassment is a small price to pay for keeping you safe and alive . I 'm sorry if you don 't understand my logic , but if you 're really worried that Trance will find out about it , then I suggest you behave . " Harper crossed his arms and looked at the floor and said , " I don 't like it , but I guess that doesn 't matter . Can we talk about something else ? " Becka said , " Just one more thing , and then we can talk about nicer things . Because you jacked in yesterday , you may not jack in today . You can start tomorrow once Trance is here and settled in . " |
Well , we got some good news today , and that is that Jason will be heading back to Colorado for a new prosthetic device , next month . At least that is the plan for right now . I spoke with Jason 's coordinator and she said she is doing her best to get all the right players coordinated , so we can have another one of those group meetings , getting the final details . When we did this last time ( about 18 months ago ) the meeting itself went pretty smoothly , and most of the required people were able to make it . Because it is still a hospital type environment sometimes things happen that don 't allow everyone to be at the meeting , no matter how much they want to . Jason is doing well , and he has just about all the needed things in place for his chickens to survive . The last thing is an invisible fence to help keep the dogs back . Even when the dogs are simply being curious about the chickens it causes them to be frightened . The invisible fence is going to keep the dogs back at a safe distance . . . or at least that 's the theory . Otherwise all else is going well , the girls are with their mother for a vacation so we won 't see them for two weeks ( well a good portion of that time is gone , so it is more like just over a week now ) . We are in the process of putting together our own plans for a two week vacation with the girls , but it looks like that isn 't going to be happening until August . There is a small lake , not too far from here and we 're going to take them there with a motor home ( a rental ) . Finally , this weekend we 're having that much needed garage sale , to clear out a bunch of the stuff we have collected over the past few decades . Linda has been sorting and marking and organizing , for the past few days , and I 've been doing my best to be helpful ( I do a bunch of the heavy lifting ) . The good news is that we 'll be getting a bunch of space back in the garage , and that will make all of us very happy . I know I was supposed to be putting new pictures up , and I really do want to get that done , its just that I will need some time to focus on that , and to select some of the pics that we have on the computer . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Well , so much for schedules . . . I really had planned on posting something yesterday , but we ended up travelling all day and then socializing a bit more than I had planned . It was all good , but no post was put up yesterday . Anyway , I 'm posting now . Jason is still in Fallbrook , at home , while Linda and I are traveling in Kentucky . We 're here because we 've been invited to participate in a wedding , and it is one of our nephews ( Linda 's side , her brother 's son , Ben ) . As you might expect the humidity is quite high , and the temperatures are up a little over 90 , so it is muggy , and so we stay in side most of the time . It is good to see the family and be able to spend some time together , so we 'll survive the weather . Jason is doing well , and we have wonderful help for him . Joselynn is spending a few days with him , and then Isaac and Kami will be staying there at the house to help take care of some of the needs as well as take care of the animals . Then we should be home shortly afterwards , so that he won 't be alone for too long of a period . Also , we have met another Marine , who is named Jason and is a part of the 2nd EOD Company , and he is coming over to visit with Jaosn , from time to time . The really cool part is that he ( the " new " Jason ) and his wife are members of our church , so we get to see them frequently . As they say , God has a plan for us , we just have to pay attention to his messages . The biggest thing we , Jason and I , did was to finish the Chicken coop and caged area for the chickens to roam around in . It has a good solid structure , as well as a roof , so they should be relatively safe . Besides , the area is in the larger dog area , so not too many criters come back there . . . something about the dogs I guess . . . ; - ) Not much going on , otherwise , so we 'll be back home for the next post , and I will get it done on Thursday , WITH some pictures . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason has gotten the girls signed up for Taekwondo classes , and they are really doing well . Both of them past their first " test " and were pretty excited about moving up to the next level . Both of them are still very much in the basic level of training and education , but it seems to be good fun for them , and we believe that it is helping to build their confidence . Jason 's wounds are not doing as well as we would like , and most of that is due to the fact that he no longer has a prosthetic that he can use . The scar tissue is breaking down more and it seems we 're moving backward more than forward . A new prosthetic is coming in about a month , but that is going to require a trip to Colorado , and a new device will be created at that time . Once he has the new device his wounds should begin to heal better and we can get back on track . On my next post I will do my best to get some new photos posted and do a little refreshing of the way the blog looks . Speaking of the way the blog looks . I am thinking that the best way for me to continue with the blog , and to make it a little more interesting for all you readers out there , is to have a more regular update . With this in mind I am thinking that I will begin doing updates each Thursday , with more if there is a reason , and this way you will know when to grab the latest information . So with that , this Thursday ( yep , just a couple days from now ) I will be posting and hope to have some new pics in place . Otherwise , everybody is doing well and we 're keeping up with everything . We 're finally having a garage sale to get rid of a bunch of our things , that there just isn 't any real room for . We want to get the garage back to where Jason can keep his vehicles in where they are supposed to be , and we won 't have too much clutter all over . Anyway , thanks , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Another quick update - - - Jason turns 34 tomorrow , and we 're planning on a very low key celebration . Mostly because we already had a gathering of some friends yesterday , Monday . It was kind of relaxed and very nice to see the people here , and Jason getting out and doing some socializing . The down side is that Linda is in Hawaii right now , helping a friend . It was one of those difficult choices she had to make , but the friend did need her there , and I assured her I would be able to take care of things at the home front . . . and so far I 've been able to . The girls got up this morning , and we went through our regular routine of getting ready and having breakfast . Not having Linda here made it a little different , but they seemed to deal with it pretty well . I got them to school on time , and they were in good spirits when I picked them up . I even managed to get a couple of errands out of the way , and a load of clothes washed . If I can manage that for another two days , then we 'll be home free and Linda will be back home . Actually , I 'm glad that Linda had this time with her friend , and it was in Hawaii , as it like a mini vacation for her , and it lets her wind down a little . Jason is still working on his hobbies and has started making Mead . It seems he is a natural at it , as the first few batches he 's made are excellent . Everyone who tries it compliments it and says how smooth it is . I think that he hopes to eventually get to the point where he can consider turning it in to a business , instead of a hobby . As a hobby , he can make a little but as a business he would need to make a bunch . It keeps him happy , so I 'm happy with it . That 's about all for now , so thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I was thinking that it was about time to get a post out and provide an update on things going on , when I finally logged back on to my own blog . I didn 't realize it has been over 3 - weeks since my last post , so please accept my apology for taking so long . Part of it is simply that when there was time I was tired , and then there wasn 't really a great deal to update about . Then , when there was some news I just didn 't seem to get the needed time to get to the blog . Enough excuses . . . on to the post . First , Jason is doing well . He is much happier not having the SP tube , going directly into his bladder now , and being to go pee , just like everybody else . The very strong up side to getting rid of the catheter and SP Tube is that it was the main source of infection , and now it is gone . This in itself , is going to make life so much better . The down side is that it is going to take a little bit of time to get his bladder back " into shape " so that he doesn 't feel like he has to go find a restroom every hour - makes watching a movie a bit of a challenge . The rest of the changes he is dealing with now are very minor in comparison . We haven 't been able to get out to go do much , for the past several months . That 's because his wearable prosthetic is no longer " wearable . " We are working with the VA and Aspen / Ride Design on getting him a new one , and it looks like that will be happening sometime in July . Originally it was supposed to be in June , but Jason received a call today , from the folks at Ride Design , that they would be able to get the new wearable sometime in July . He told me they were going to be calling me later today , but I guess it will have to wait until next week now - unless they call me on the weekend , a holiday weekend . Regardless , it will be good for him to get the new prosthetic , so he can get back to a more active life , like he had before . The girls are growing and Linda and I are doing well . We continue to keep up with all the things going on around here , and we 're even trying to put together a garage sale . We still have a bunch of things from our old house , in Livermore , and we need to get rid of it , so we can get the garage back . It will be strange , indeed , to have both the truck and the van in the garage . I think it will make the house look a little better as well . Anyway , that 's about all the big news for now . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Another exciting update for the blog . . . Jason is doing well and going in to Urology on Tuesday , for his follow up from the surgery . He has been doing very well and on top of that the other wounds are closing up nicely . He had four small wounds prior to the surgery and now he is back down to two , with one of those looking like it will close pretty soon as well . Jason spends most of his days resting in bed , as he should , though he has been out to fix dinner and enjoys telling the girls their bedtime stories . Actually , this is one of those areas where he really excels . I still think he should take up writing , as he has quite a good imagination and does a great job of telling his stories to the girls . He bases his stories on either a fantasy story he is familiar with or something that happened to him , somewhere along the line of his own life . Bottom line is that the girls really love listening to him . Today was an interesting day , especially for Southern California . It started to rain yesterday , and has not stopped . The weather outside is cold , and the Men 's Retreat , from our church had snow this morning . . . 4 + inches . I had hoped to get some time out on the bike , but unfortunately that didn 't happen . Perhaps I 'll be able to over the next couple of days , or maybe into next week sometime . The challenge there is that we 're coming into a very busy time for the entire family , and I may not get any " extra " time to just go for a ride , until sometime into July . Next month we 're supposed to be headed to Colorado , to get Jason a new wearable . We 're waiting to hear what the final plans are so we can get some schedules coordinated . My guess is that we 'll be out there for a week and then get back here . Once that happens , I am hopeful that Jason will be able to get back to the gym . The few times we went I could see a subtle improvement in his attitude and I can only attribute that to the fact that he enjoyed going there , very much . The girls have been with us for almost two - weeks now , due to a schedule need from their mother . As far as we 're concerned they could stay with us all the time , but that isn 't going to happen anytime soon . Jason is quite a good dad for them , and they definitely show that they like it , and they love their daddy . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . I know some ( all ? ) of you are wondering what happened with Jason 's surgery , yesterday . Well , it was a little more complicated than initially expected , by the good doctor , but all was taken care of . It was all good news and after five hours of surgery , Jason was resting comfortably in his hospital room . He is in good spirits and we are expecting him to be back out of the hospital in a week ( 7 - days ) and then it is a matter of completing the healing . All of his wounds are doing well and it looks like they want Jason back in Colorado to get a new prosthetic device , which will be yet another positive step for his mobility . All - in - all it has been a very positive past couple of days . . . except for the dogs . They are besides themselves wondering what happened to their master . They keep looking for him and don 't understand why he isn 't home . We , Linda and I , are looking to arrange it so that we can stay closer to the hospital , for the next couple of days , and thus have the dogs closer as well . We want to do this through the weekend and maybe for the entire week . A great deal has to do with the girls and their schedules with school . I guess we could get up at 05 : 00 to get them to school . . . ; - ) Okay , maybe not . Anyway , right now we are all feeling pretty good about the future . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . First , we 're looking at a surgery date of April 19 , for Jason , and this is the big surgery that we 've been waiting for . The urology doctors will be going in and repairing some of the damage and that should allow Jason the ability to urinate in a more normal and natural way . This is a very good thing because it gets rid of the SP catheter he has been using for the past 6 + years , AND it eliminates a big infection point . Over these past 6 years Jason has had several infection fights and by far , most of them have been because of the SP catheter . His open soars have been significantly reducing in size , and making great progress to fully healing . With the combination of these two major steps , Jason may be able to finally get back in to the water and do one of the things he really enjoyed doing - - - swimming . Of course there are a number of other small steps that will need to be taken first , but we don 't think they will be a great challenge . I will do my best to keep you informed on the progress . The girls are doing well and getting bigger all the time . We recently purchased them new scooters and they spent hours just rolling around the property . We enjoy watching them race around and so far there have been no accidents or tumbles ! I know if I were riding them I 'd be falling down all the time . . . ; - ) Anyway , things are good and we look forward to a great Spring and Summer . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason does not , and did not have MRSA . He has a basic staff infection ( which can still be very uncomfortable ) , and therefore it was not as serious an issue as we initially though . A culture was taken at Balboa , and as a result of the initial treatment and antibiotics he is doing quite well . He is still having to spend more time in bed , and he hates it , and the wounds are all getting better . The big challenge now is getting him back into the wearable . Not sure how long that is going to take , but I 'm guessing in a matter of a week or so . On another front , Jason is scheduled for surgery in April , so again he will be required to stay down for healing , only this time it is elective . They are going to be able to go in and reconstruct his urethra and , assuming all goes well he will no longer have to deal with a catheter . This is something we have been looking to happen for a couple of years now . I know it is a matter of Jason 's being ready for it , and being healed up enough , but it has taken a long time to get there . In the mean time , we had George , III ( Jason 's oldest brother ) to the house and celebrated his 40th birthday . It was a fun time for everyone , and we all dressed up in super hero attire , as that was the theme of the party . George stayed for a few more days , afterward and then had to head back home . . . something about needing to get back to work . . . ; - ) Anyway , George will be coming back down on a more regular basis and Stacy and Jackie will be able to get to know their Uncle George more . David and Sean were also at the party , and that was the first time in about six years that all four of them have been together . It was particularly good for Linda and I , as we miss having them around . We need to come up with more reasons to have all of them here , with the entire extended family . It is always fun to see all the grandkids playing , and they all keep growing so fast . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Things have been going pretty good for the past several days and then yesterday Jason had to get over to the ER at Camp Pendleton . Seems he got an infection from MRSA , which is a type of staph that is resistant to most antibiotics . Well , it came in the form of a cyst and simply looked like a large pimple , very large . He was able to speak with his primary doctor at Balboa and she instructed him to get over to the ER and that 's where they took care of it . Fortunately it was seen before it became a major issue , and in a matter of a couple weeks we should be all done with it . The down side on this is that they had to pack it with a medicated strip , so that it would heal correctly while at the same time helping it to heal from the inside out . Tonight I had to get Jason back over to the ER so they could make the change to the packing and it was quite painful for Jason . The medical team assure him that each day it would become less painful , and that this first one was the most painful . The timing is unfortunate , as we are also working on putting together a surprise Super Hero Birthday party for our son , George , III , as he is turning 40 years old this month and has always loved Superman . Linda has been working on this for the past few months , and it looked like it was going to be smooth sailing . Things just seem to happen sometimes , and we just have to go with the flow . Jason and I were supposed to have been out to Spring Training , in Arizona , but things just didn 't come together with transportation . As it has turned out , it is a good thing we didn 't go , as Jason was able to get that infection taken care of . Anyway , George 's party is still on and Jason 's treatments should be very manageable by the time everybody gets here . Speaking of everybody being here . This is the first time that all four of our sons will be together in over six years . Linda and I are very much looking forward to seeing all of them in the same place . We will have all our sons and all our grandkids in the same place . . . that is going to be awesome . The rains seem to have stopped , finally , so we should have some good days for the party , and for the visit . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Apologies for the lack of updates , over these past few weeks , but I have been busy with a few other things . Linda was off on a retreat , actually two , and that meant I was flying solo for a couple weeks . In the mean time things have happened , that are positive , and Linda came back feeling recharged and better - and that 's good for me . First , Jason has been going to the gym now , for a few weeks , and the results are already showing up . I am happy to say that you can see some definition starting to show in his arms and shoulders , and he is feeling better because of it . Another positive side is that I have been going with him ( most of the time ) and I 'm getting a little benefit from the gym as well ( more on that later ) . The down side is that it is causing his overall body shape to change some and he doesn 't fit in the wearable as he did before . This is causing some other challenges . The wearable is designed to " hold and lift " Jason so that the pressure on his wound and bottom are is reduced and eliminated . With the body shape change it is unable to do the same level of support . As a result Jason is now experiencing the old shearing problem that he had before . The one open wound has changed to three , though all three are small . We are working with the folks at Ride Design ( Rob ) and it looks like a new insert is going to have to be built . Our hope is that we won 't have to travel to get this done , as travel is not one of Jason 's favorite things to do . Especially when it is over a long distance , and in an airplane . Otherwise , his spirits are up and he is still as positive as always . He is still making his mead and has a batch ( not sure what the technical term is for new mead ) coming along that should provide him with several bottles . The funny part is that he makes it , bottles it , and then gives most of it away . He hardly ever drinks any of it himself . I do know of a couple people who have been given a bottle , and I have heard them ask him if he is going to make more , so I take that as a positive sign that they like it . The girls are growing and enjoying their time with us , and especially some recent fun with Daddy . Jason took the girls to the " Father - Daughter " Dance at the school , and they had a great time . I didn 't stay , though I did do the driving . Unfortunately I didn 't take any pictures with my camera , so I don 't have any to post right now . I did get a couple with my cell phone / camera , but haven 't quite figured out how to down load to the computer . . . I 'll work on that today . We have a couple of new cabinets , and shelves that Jason ordered , coming in to the house . They are sitting in the garage , right now , waiting to be finished . I know we 're all going to be happy to see them installed , so that we can get some additional books and other things displayed . Some of the shelving is going in Jason 's bedroom , and he will be able to get some of his " toys " displayed , that are currently just sitting in boxes , and that will free up some floor space . This weekend we are celebrating Jason 's Alive - Day anniversary , as it will be six - years ! It is pretty amazing how far he has come , and how far we have also come along on this journey . From being listed as a very high probability of dying , to now a strong and thriving man , Jason continues to amaze the medical world , and those that come to meet him . It isn 't going to be as big of event as the five - year event , but then it isn 't supposed to be . We 've decided that we 're going to make the every five - year make the big one , so in 2021 we 're going to have a big party again ! This last part , really has nothing to do with Jason 's progress , or the family , it is about a recent trip to In - N - Out burger . Linda and I drove through the drive - through and ordered two double - doubles and two single protein burgers . The total came to $ 14 . 92 . For those that know me , I like to reference any numbers I can to historic dates , and I thought this was a big one . I asked the first person if they knew the importance of 1492 , and she said no , she didn 't recognize it and , " . . . didn 't do well in history . " So I told her and drove on , a little disappointed . The next window is where I paid for it , and again the young man sitting there didn 't know what 1492 represented , and now I was a little more disappointed . Finally we came to the pick - up window and this last person , who did appear to be maybe a little older than the other two , and again , she had no idea what the date was , or even who Columbus was . Linda and I were absolutely incredulous . What is being taught in schools ? Granted , there is a great deal of evidence that others came to the North American continent before Christopher Columbus , but he was effectively the reason others began to go exploring more , and the settlements turned in to multiple countries . PLEASE , PLEASE educate your children , our future ! Over the past several months ( almost a year ? ) we have been talking with Jason about him needing to get out and get some exercise at a gym . Well , yesterday he went to the gym . . . the gym on Camp Pendleton that is connected with the Wounded Warrior Battalion . It was very good in that it gave him the chance to do some specific exercises , on specific equipment , that was designed to help him with his shoulders and back . He also worked on his core muscle group , and was very pleased with himself afterward . When he was finished with the gym he went over to see some of his friends at the EOD Company and even brought them a gift - a large bottle of his mead . Unfortunately the mead didn 't make it . As he was entering the building he hit a bump and the bottle , which was resting on the power chair , fell off and broke . Needless to say , he was disappointed - as were the guys at the EOD company . He still had a good visit and will be bringing some mead again on the next visit ( probably tomorrow ) . They all had a good time and Jason was there for over an hour , then came back home . Funny thing is , when he came home I helped him with his shower and then he got back in bed . Within a matter of just a few minutes he was asleep . He slept for a few hours and finally woke up in the evening and was in time to have dinner with the girls . Tomorrow Jason wants to get over to the gym again , and this time I will be going with him . I 'm going to be doing a little of the exercising too , but just not sure what . The gym has been set up for the Wounded Warrior Battalion and I 'm not sure how many of the machines and pieces of equipment are available for me to use . That 's okay though , as my lower back has just recently started to feel closer to normal ( I have been told that I have arthritis in my lower back and left hip and for a while it was uncomfortable to move around much . I 've been working on it and making some progress ) . Otherwise , not much more going on . The girls are growing and Stacy has gotten involved with the Drama Club at school . She really enjoys being on the stage and being in front of a bunch of people doesn 't seem to bother her much at all . She and Jackie are becoming more affectionate with their daddy , and Linda and I are very happy to see this . Jason likes to read to them , and tell them stories , just before the go to bed . It must be the right kind of stories because they both sleep through the night and are waking up ready to start the day . Thank you for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Over these past several days , our household has been very busy , to say the least . Amazingly it all came together and we were able to get up to Livermore to pay our respects to the Ferea family , as they had to deal with the death of Ron , the head of the family . Jason was able to get some time with one of his closest friends , Matt , and I think it was really good for both of them . We also spent a little time with Margie , Ron 's wife , and their daughter Megan . Linda and I ( mostly Linda ) had a special relationship with the family , as both the kids , Matt and Megan , were in Linda 's child care , and then Megan even worked for Linda for a couple of years . Matt and Jason were in Scouts together , so that was another connection and we seemed to always have things going on with them . Ron will be missed by many . We flew up to Livermore , courtesy of Veteran Airlift Command ( VAC ) , in a Pilatus aircraft , and it was a very smooth flight . After we landed , Jason made the comment that it was much smoother in the plane than on the ground ( In the ground 's defense - there was a great deal of construction going on ) . We had a rental van from the Oakland Mobility Center , and they provided us with a wheelchair accessible van at a low rate . It too , was comfortable and large enough for all we had , plus the two dogs . A great big thank you , goes out to George and Jane Bowen for being there to go pick up the van and bring it to the airport for us . It would have been a very difficult situation otherwise . We stayed up in Livermore for just the one day , and came right back down . We did get to see a couple of friends and do a little visiting , which gave Jason a chance to connect with a couple of folks he had not seen in awhile . Linda and I think that it would be good to get that same type flight and van so that we could visit for about a week . We talked to the pilots and they said it shouldn 't be a problem , just need to coordinate with the folks at the VAC . Tomorrow Jason and I will be heading to Balboa for his regular Wound Care visit , and attempt to get a few other things done , like get the Mustang in for service . He is also making some progress with his mead production . Maybe " production " is too strong of a word , as he really isn 't making that much . These are more like experimental steps at trying to figure out how to make it taste the way he wants it to taste . He does have a name - Wolf Head Mead - and a business card ( His brother Sean helped with the logo , a wolf 's head ) . I see it as something he is doing and he enjoys doing it , so it is good . I will do my best to get some pictures up tomorrow , but for now you 'll have to simply enjoy the text . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . It looks like things are coming together so that we will be able to head up to Livermore , again , this weekend - Sunday to be specific . We will be returning on Monday , in the afternoon or early evening , so this is simply going to be a fast trip . The reason for the trip is so that we can pay our last respects to a friend of ours , Ron Ferea , who passed away a couple of days ago , and his funeral is going to take place on Monday . It was important for Jason to be there . Ron and Margie were married for almost 40 years , and they have two children , Matt and Megan . Matt and Jason basically grew up together , and whenever you found one of them , you found the other . Ron and I even took the boys to Japan to hike up Mt . Fuji - it was a part of a Boy Scout adventure ( High Adventure at that ) , and just one of the many times we all did something together . I even had the pleasure of working with Ron on a construction project ( Vacaville Kaiser Hospital ) , where he was one of the contractors working on the escalator being installed . www . veteransairlift . org and let them know what was needed . Jason and I were able to take advantage of their services once before , when we traveled up to get Kojak , his second dog . This will actually be a shorter trip , so everything should be easier on Jason . We 'll be staying overnight in Livermore and then flying back out the next day , a couple hours after the services . The difficulty was simply finding a wheelchair accessibly van . Between Linda and myself , I 'm sure we called every agency in the area , and some of them twice . Linda finally was able to make the connection , and everything is just about all taken care of . There are still a few loose ends to be taken care of , then we can totally relax . One thing that did happen today was a visit to the girl 's school , because of Grand Parents Day , and a talent show they were both in . The girls got to escort us around the school and then there was the talent show . Stacy sang and Jackie got to do some of what she felt was marshal arts , on stage ( she has never taken any marshal art lessons ) . They both did an excellent job , and felt comfortable in front of an audience . Bottom line is that both Grandma and Grandpa had a fun time . All things considered , we 're doing well and Jason is still in very positive and high spirits . Thank you , all for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . I remember when we were in a drought , wait , that was just a couple of months ago . We are coming up on the 25th day of this year , and it has rained , here in San Diego County , 22 days . The " average " rain fall for this area is about 10 . 45 inches , over the year . Last year we had 10 . 25 , and this year we 've already had about 6 inches ( much higher than normal ) . I 'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that we are going to have a wet year . . . ; - ) Things are going well , though , and we have not had any down time due to lost power , or flooding of the roads . Sometimes the network has dropped and the phones are not always working , but those are the only signs that the weather is a little more harsh than normal . Heck , we even had hail , and when that happened the girls were very excited . They were hoping it would continue and turn into snow . . . it wasn 't that cold . Overall , the girls , and the dogs , loved the rain . The rest of us just had to deal with it and clean up the mud being tracked in . Jason is doing well , and he and I will be heading in to Wound Care in the morning . There is also an appointment with a couple of his other doctors , but I don 't think there is going to be much movement on anything else , at least not for the next couple of weeks . We 're working with both the VA and the Naval Hospital to get some things pulled together , and Jason is looking to have some of his PT moved to the VA hospital , since it is closer . The challenge is getting them to allow him to have more than 8 treatments without having to get approval for more . With the Navy ( Balboa Naval Hospital ) , right now , he can go in and receive all the treatments he wants . The problem is that it is so far away . Fortunately I think it is being reviewed at higher levels , and it will happen , just we don 't know when . If the weather holds for a few days , and over the weekend , we will probably get out and do some shooting . He hasn 't taken his guns out for several months , because of weather . Neither of us wants to go out in the mud , and have him get stuck . All the shooting ranges will be muddy for the next few days . . . at least . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason is doing well , and we continue to work on better ways to make him comfortable , as well as continue to work with all the medical teams . His one wound is being particularly stubborn , and just as it looks like it is going to be closing up it starts to open up a little . When I say open up , what is really happening is that the immediate skin around the wound site starts to break down and goes away . The BIGGEST challenge is blood flow to that area . This is something we 've been aware of for a few years now , and we are constantly looking for ways of making improvements . One of the ways was the new prosthetic he received from Aspen / Ride Design ( also known as the " wearable " ) , and it helped greatly . The only issue with that though , is that we have kind of hit a limit to how much more it can help that one spot ( mentioned above ) . That is where the folks at CalPoly kind of step in . They designed another type support system that could help in a different way , and still help to keep Jason comfortable just being around the house . The wearable is for general travel and getting around , away from the house . It is great for support but restricts his ability to reach and move his upper body . The CalPoly device is designed to allow him the ability to reach for things and move a little easier while at home . Jon Monett , the man who effectively put that CalPoly design team together , stopped by the house yesterday , to check in on Jason . We had been talking for a couple of days and found a time that works for both our schedules . We explained to Jon some of the challenges of the new system , and he told us of some potential solutions , so we 're pretty positive about what can come of this . Of course we continue to move forward in all areas , and look at this as one of the possible pieces of the total solution that could work for Jason . Otherwise things are continuing to go well for the family , overall . The girls , Stacy and Jackie , are both enjoying their school , and in fact , Stacy is in a " talent show " later this week . We 'll be going to see the show and cheer her on . Jason has gotten much more involved with their schooling and does all he can to make sure they get all the support that is needed , and that includes anything that might be considered special . Linda and I are staying busy , and still make time to stay in touch with the rest of the family . We have five grand kids now , and the family continues to grow . Every now and again we try to get up to the S . F . Bay Area and visit with both Sean and George , or make arrangements for them to come down and visit with us . Fortunately David and his family are close enough that we can visit with them a little easier , though they are still over 130 miles away . Since this is 2017 now , and we have the entire year ahead of us , we 're looking forward to an exciting and productive year . Thank you all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
It would appear that there is nothing particularly wrong with it . Davan wasn 't interested in a larger bed . Although we did offer her a double bed , she declined , not wanting to take up that much space in her room with something as boring as a bed . Davan likes the drawers under the bed . Due to them , she doesn 't actually have a dresser in her room , which would also take up valuable space better suited to swinging and the like . She had the most comfortable mattress in the house . That was due to , years ago , us shopping around for a mattress for her first single bed , which we spent a good couple of weeks doing , but then , sadly , when we were looking at a top of the line mattress , we just shrugged , said , " What the heck , " and bought it . Well , when we were getting ready to move , we took the bed apart and discovered the large patch of mold . I scrubbed it , bleached it , put it out in the sun for days . . . and we hoped that would take care of it . It was the perfect bed for Davan here with the drawers and all . However , it was not long after moving that we realized that the problem was not solved . At first , we thought it was just the condo that had been closed up so long that smelled a little off . When the weather changed and Davan didn 't have her window open very often , it seemed to get worse . Eventually , I had to face the fact that her bed still had issues . I put an air freshener under her bed . That just layered a chemically cinnamon smell over the top of the musty - nes . I aired out when she was out of the house . The smell lingered . I 'd been worrying for a while that this wasn 't healthy for her . We 'd been going to go small on her birthday this year , considering the trips up to Vancouver we 're doing this winter not to mention the negative flow of money that tuition for boarding school next year may bring . But , I decided that a new bed was in order . Davan was excited , even though it 's a fairly practical gift . She had a bit of a hard time deciding . We 'd gone to look at options prior to the Colorado trip , but she still wasn 't sure . Yesterday , though , we went up to IKEA and she chose . She chose such a simple ( and inexpensive bed ) that we threw in new bedding and a bedside table ( also quite inexpensive ) as part of the deal . I posted the old bed on Freecycle ( we didn 't feel right selling it , even if we could have gotten away with it ) . As nice as our visit in Colorado was , we nearly didn 't make it out the door to get there . We left on Davan 's actual birthday - Friday the 16th , which was because she actually wanted to be traveling on her birthday . She likes road trips . Turns out , she didn 't like road tripping so much that day . . . but we 'll get to that . Things were going fine up until midday on Thursday . I wasn 't packed yet , but we 'd bought all of our travel food as well as gifts I was giving and laundry was done . I still needed to make copies of keys for pet sitters , pack , wrap my gifts and finish up ripping CDs to load up the MP3 player . I took Ranger right over to the vet where she was scheduled to stay for a few hours . They gave her an injection to make her throw up and then gave her some very expensive charcoal to sop up any chocolate she didn 't throw up . They also have her IV meds to make her pee a lot , as the caffeine , which is , apparently , what 's dangerous to dogs in chocolate , will be reabsorbed if it sits too long in the bladder . She was supposed to come home at 2pm . I got on with my to - do list . Davan went out to replace her eaten treats and then got on with her to - do list . I was out working on the key issue again at 1 : 30 , when I got the call that Ranger was still getting sick to her stomach and they wanted to keep her until 7pm . Bummer . We kept going , with the strong hope we 'd still make it out the next day . At 4pm , the vet called again , saying that Ranger was still not keeping fluids down , even though she was very thirsty and wanted very much to drink , but she was also pretty upset unless someone was sitting with her petting her , so they wanted to send her home . Davan and I went to get her . Saying she was thirsty was an understatement . Ranger wasn 't even very excited about seeing us , she wanted out the door and to find puddles to drink . I paid the bill to the tune of $ 325 ( yikes ! ) and we headed home , nearly constantly pulling Ranger away from standing water . Thus began a long and difficult evening . Ranger , indeed , wasn 't keeping anything down . Even tiny amounts of water was too much . And , when she did throw up , it was black from the charcoal . She mostly did her throwing up on the wood floor , but we 'll have a spot in our room to remind us of that lovely evening for all time . It 's pretty faded , as I scrubbed at it , but it 's still there . Anthony and Davan went to see the Zoo Lights , as they 'd planned for months , so I was left home alone with the dog , which was mostly rounds of taking her out to pee ( once I didn 't take her out for 40 minutes , but she peed on the floor , so 30 minutes was pretty much the max time inside ) , which consisted of walking her until she dropped her load while pulling upward on the leash to prevent her from licking the ground , even when it was just wet without a puddle , in her extreme thirst and cleaning up her puke . And , the one time , pee . Fun , fun , fun . Ranger finally started laying down for periods of time around 8pm . She 'd been pacing and whining up until then . We all finished out packing . Anthony decided to camp out in the living room with Ranger , rather than having her sleep on Davan 's bed or in our room with the carpet . I woke up around midnight to the sound of someone tossing their cookies in the bathroom . It was Anthony . He 'd been awake with stomach pain and nausea since we 'd settled down and it culminated in him puking . Who knew Ranger was contagious ? ( Just kidding , of course . ) Ranger , meanwhile , had settled right down and was still sleeping . I offered to switch with Anthony , but he said I should go ahead and sleep . I did . Mostly . I woke up at 6am and came out to the living room to find out what was what . Was Anthony up to traveling ? I was pretty sure Ranger had slept all night , being a seriously light sleeper and not having heard her go out . Anthony had thrown up that once and then gotten some sleep . He was okay with going ahead and driving . I gave Ranger a little food and water , then took her out to walk and to pick up bagels for our driving breakfast . Luckily , she seemed totally recovered . We loaded up and off we went . Davan was clutching the box of bagels . She was very excited about the bagels , as they were to be our first in three months . The gluten free trial was a bust . We had no improvement in the areas we 'd hoped it would help with . This was our first day of eating gluten once again . Ranger was pouting . Not really - just looking out the window . As you can see , it was still dark at 7 : 40 when we pulled out . But we didn 't get far . The fully loaded MP3 player , with a playlist of Christmas books and Christmas songs personally designed by Davan and I to last all the way to Colorado plus several alternative books in case the Christmas books didn 't pan out and for the trip back home and some general music . . . didn 't work . The player said there were no playable songs . No playable playlists . We were less than a mile from home . We turned back . Turns out that I 'd overloaded it and it had no free memory to actually play anything . It took awhile with the computer having been totally shut down and Windows Media Player not able to handle the situation ( I had to just use Explorer to remove a couple of orphan folders and then all was well - but it wasn 't the first thing I tried ) . Then we left again . I did most of the driving , as Anthony was in pretty bad shape . He wasn 't able to eat much all day and was pretty much looking like he 'd been run over with a truck by afternoon , but he was a trooper and we did our usual long first day . Davan also ended up being sick , but not to her stomach . She sat in the back , blowing her nose all day and feeling fairly miserable . At least she was able to partake in the birthday bagels and Newman 's O 's . We stopped at a Motel 6 just inside Wyoming , where we 'd stayed once before and had found it to be adequate , if not , you know , nice . But that night ? Well , that night was pretty miserable . They were pretty full and we discovered that not only did our upstairs neighbors sound like a herd of elephants every time they so much as shifted , but our next door neighbors , who checked in at 11pm and spent about 45 minutes getting settled in , sounded like they were standing by our bedsides having their conversation , rather than being in the next room . We didn 't get much sleep - particularly Davan and I . Anthony got more , but mostly because he was so tired from being sick and being up puking the night before , I believe . Even with all that , Anthony felt much better the next day . This was good , because I was wiped out by sleep deprivation . Davan was , too . I drove some , but Anthony drove most of that day . We were even more glad than usual to arrive in Colorado Springs at my parents ' house in the mid afternoon . It was not our best road trip ever . Nor was it Davan 's best actual birthday by any stretch of the imagination . Oh and , our Christmas books ? They ranged from mediocre to terrible ( in which case , we did do some skipping of books ) , so they didn 't help to pass the time as well as one might have hoped . We might have been better off just switching to a non - Christmas book , but we kept trying and , besides , we did want to hear our Christmas songs , interspersed with the books . If I had it to do over , I 'd have probably set the playlists up differently . . . At any rate , I really don 't recommend anything by Mary Higgins Clark . Sorry to the fans out there . We are home from our Colorado trip . A good time was had by all . I 'll talk more about the trip later , but for now , I 'll share with you a video Davan made . She made it on her own as a Christmas gift for the rest of us . In my family this year , we 're each filling a stocking for one other person . This will the the main event present - wise . We 're going to Colorado to spend Christmas with my parents , so the five of us drew names . That 's quite a feat as we 're a fair distance apart , no ? Even further apart if you consider that they 've been in Cayman Brac for the last couple of weeks . I cleverly did a search for an online name drawing program and , voila : DrawNames . com . So , we each have one other person and it 's all a secret . Davan got a budget to spend , plus any personal money she wants to add . Everyone has to figure out the actual stocking for their person , too . We 're having fun with it . I know I 'm enjoying just focusing on one person . It makes me feel more generous toward that one person , rather than figuring out things for everyone . Anyway , the point of this is that , on Saturday , the three of us went shopping . We were going out to my MIL 's house for afternoon coffee for her birthday and headed out to Gresham early to hit a strip mall . ( Yeah , I know - horrors and all that . ) We split up and each did the shopping we needed to do . Anthony came back to the group saying that he came across something that interested him for me , but he didn 't want to just get it for a present because he wasn 't sure of sizing . After a little hemming and hawing , he told me what it was . I was interested . In fact , I 've been interested in this item for a few years now . Vibram Five Finger shoes ! I 've been wanting to try them for years , but , well , had a hard time justifying the cost . However , now I 'm running a lot and these were on clearance for about 40 % off . It was a bit of a risk because maybe I wouldn 't like them , but if I did , well , then they 'd save some wear on my main pair of shoes , which is a good thing . And they 're supposed to be good for you . So , this morning , I slipped my toes into these bad babies and went for a run . I did this in spite of the fact that I was pretty much down for the day with a bit of the stomach flu yesterday and in spite of the fact that it was a whopping 31 degrees out . Why ? Mostly because I was so excited to try them ! Also , though , I was doing a short run this morning . I let myself sleep in due to the whole sick yesterday thing and woke up feeling better , but not great . And Lovely was due to come in a little over a half an hour . So , I knew I was only going out for a half an hour or so and one should start slow with the whole minimalist running shoe thing . I was expecting that I 'd be slower . I was expecting that my feet would be cold - after all , they 're minimal and I don 't have five finger socks . Other than that , I wasn 't sure what to expect . I liked them ! I wouldn 't run every run in them or so super far yet , but I liked them for two miles . I wasn 't slower at all and my feet weren 't cold . I did find that I really didn 't want to run on the sidewalk . I 'm more of a street runner anyway , but I can run on the sidewalk fine usually . Not today , though - today I really didn 't like the sidewalk at all . I also found I noticed some sensitive areas - a spot on my right ankle that bothers me sometimes , for example . I felt it today , but more in a working it way than in a hurt way . It was odd , but not bad . All - in - all , I do like them . I 'll probably only do one or two runs a week in them at first , at least , though . I think they 're good for strengthening and stride work . I 'll want to do more distance than would be prudent due to the muscle work . I 've been running regularly and ( mostly ) with a plan for improvement for about three months now , I believe . Prior to that , I ran about , oh , maybe 6 - 8 miles a week . Now , after doing my 10K , I 'm taking a break from my training plan , but still running and averaging about 20 miles a week or so . The plan from here is to just run as I can / want to through December , then start a half marathon training program in January . I 'll be doing a half marathon in early May . This is all fine and good . I 'm slow still . In fact , after watching Hood to Coast last night , I was poking around , looking at their web site and discovered that I 'm really too slow to run the Hood to Coast unless I have much stronger people on my team . You , as a team , have to be able to average 9 : 45 miles . Now , I could probably do that for 2 , possibly 3 , miles , but not for three legs of 4 - 7 miles each . Not that I was really thinking I could do the Hood to Coast anyway . I have this little fantasy that someone would ask me to join their team because I know it 's about 50 / 50 to get your own team in on the lottery system and I 'm not all that excited about captaining a team anyway . However , now that I know how fast people are supposed to be , who 'd want me on their team even if they were desperate ? The point is that I 'm still slow , but I 'm relatively happy with my running ( Hood to Coast dreams aside ) . My mileage is certainly improving . I actually have two running speeds now - working hard and working really hard . Okay , maybe three , actually , I also have killing myself , which is an all out sprint . However , it used to be that I only had one speed and that was working really hard while barely moving faster than a walk . So , this is an improvement . Anthony took up running right about that same 3 months ago , maybe a later . He spent a whole month or so walking half the time . He 's never gone out for longer than a half an hour . This morning , we each went for a run . I did 3 . 88 miles according to my GPS . I was out ( minus a bathroom break at Freddie 's ) for 43 minutes . Anthony did about 3 . 8 ( he doesn 't have a running GPS , so that 's from Map my Run ) and he was out for 34 minutes . The plan is for both of us to do the Portland Marathon in October 2012 . Guess who will log more running hours with more intensive and specific training . Guess who will finish first by a long shot . If you picked different names , then we 're on the same page . It 's kind of depressing . Of course , it 's only fair to mention that Anthony has a huge aerobic base compared to me . He 's been doing centuries on his bike for something like 6 years now . Even on the days he doesn 't work out , he rides into and home from work for about 40 minutes total riding . So , it 's not like he 's not doing anything and getting results . Still , from past experience , even if that were the case - him doing much less than me period - he 'd still be faster . Sigh . We decorated last night . There was a little bit of debate about if we were even going to , as we 're not going to be here on Christmas . Oddly , it was Davan who said that she thought maybe we shouldn 't decorate . As she has since pointed out , she was in a strange mood that day ( DAP - Day After Party ) . We don 't get Christmas trees anymore . A few years back , we didn 't get one because we were going away for Christmas , but Davan still really wanted to decorate , so we came up with the solution of hanging lights and stringing the ornaments off of them . Davan said , " It 's like being inside the tree ! " and that 's how we 've done it ever since . It came to our attention during Glee that Davan , while we know she has watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas , didn 't actually remember it . So , I found it on You Tube and we watched that , too . Yup . All Christmas - y around these parts . Guess I better get going on my secret Santa stocking . In the last couple of weeks , Davan has made a decision that could change our lives pretty drastically . As you probably remember , she and I took a little trip up to Vancouver so she could attend the pre - selection tour for the National Circus School in Montreal . This was so she could try to attend their camp this summer , which is a two week program for 13 - 17 year olds . They also have a one week program for 9 - 13 year olds . Any - who , as you probably also remember , she put together an audition packet for Circus Smirkus , which would have been a 10 week performance tour deal . She got the news that she was not invited to in person auditions on Thanksgiving . She is still applying to their advanced camp , which is a two week camp . Then , she watched this video and this video . She burst into tears , hugged me and said , " Mom , I don 't want to leave you , but that 's where I really want to be ! " Davan had considered the high school a couple of years ago , but had recently decided that she didn 't want to leave home . That was that . She just wasn 't ready to move away . Those two short videos blew that all away . Mostly . Actually , she still doesn 't want to leave , but she really does want to do this program . A ) Take things one step at a time . Right now that step is just getting her application stuff in . Next , it 'll be the audition . B ) She 'd apply even if she didn 't get a recommendation from the pre - selection tour . One can , but one does not have overly good prospects of making it . However , seeing as how it 's a $ 50 application fee ( plus , of course , another trip to Vancouver ) , we decided the experience would be good and it would be worth a shot . We are pleased to inform you that your application caught our attention during the recent Pre - Selection tour . Following our preliminary assessment , the National Circus School would like to invite you to apply for acceptance to the Circus and High School Studies ( CES ) program . You could register to the official Entrance Exam , in Montreal , February 18 , in Toronto , February 2 or in Vancouver , February 3 , 2012 . The candidate who has succeeded the first part of the test will be invited to continue with the Academic test that will be conducted in collaboration with your actual academic institution in March 2012 . There is more , but you don 't need to read the whole thing . Davan was so excited to get this that she walked on air for days . The letter did go on to say that if she didn 't want to go to the high school at this point , or her parents said no , that she was welcome to come to camp . As camp was all she was hoping for originally , this was pretty cool for her . I was so pleased for her after the rejection from Circus Smirkus . Whew . Davan had her birthday party this weekend . So , " Happy Birthday , Davan ! " However , it was this weekend because we were being very flexible about her party date . Her actual birthday isn 't until the 16th , but , considering how the last two birthday parties went , we wanted to stack the successful birthday party odds in her favor . ( Warning ! This turned into a super long post , which wasn 't what I had in mind when I started out , but there you go - a trip down memory lane , followed by a birthday party report . At least there are a lot of pictures . ) For her 6th , she just wanted a day with all her special adult people . Anthony and my mom took the day off so that they , my step dad and I could all spend the day with Davan , doing pretty much whatever she wanted all day . That meant a lot of playing dolls with her . For number 8 , she had a big bash with nearly every local person we know in attendance , kids and parents alike . It was quite fun and we did it open house style . Sadly , I can 't seem to find a single picture , although I know we took some . I do know that her present was a room remodel : For her 11th , it was another 2 party sort of deal . One was with several of her homeschool friends . We went to see a school Do Jump show , then went back to our house for lunch and games . We didn 't officially call this one a birthday party , but . . . it kind of was . The main event that year , though , was a day with Anthony and I . We were supposed to take her to Safari Sams and actually play with her there , but it was a heavy snow day . We spent the day at home , instead . This involved an obstacle course . Her 12th birthday ended up being quite fun , but it was a bitter disappointment at first . She invited her two best friends to go sledding for the day and then to come spend the night . One couldn 't make it due to family plans . Then the snow was very poor that year and the sledding part got canceled . The other friend then had to cancel at the last minute due to illness . It ended up being another day with her dad and I and didn 't involve sledding . Then we left the house without the camera . We went swimming , out to lunch at Noodles and Co , to Safari Sam 's for the afternoon and finished with dinner at the Paradox , which was her favorite restaurant at the time . We came back home for snow related crafts ( because of the original plan ) and dessert . But , sadly , Emma sustained a ( turns out mild ) shoulder injury during the Do Jump play part of the festivities . The more pressing issue turned out to be that Emma was sick . She went home , where she went to bed and slept the rest of the day . Davan was bummed . Emma did do a sleepover later and we did finish out the planned events with Davan that night . So , this year , after two years of disappointing birthday parties , we were really wanting this one to happen . Davan decided on having four friends go to Safari Sams ( yeah , she and her active friends still love the place ) , then come back for dinner and a sleepover . We sent out options for dates for scheduling purposes ( December can be a challenging month for a birthday ) and found the one that worked . One person still wasn 't able to join in until evening . One person ended up leaving mid party for a soccer game , then returned . All - in - all , though , it went well . Everyone came for at least part and fun was had by all . The festivities started out at 11am with the first person to be picked up , then , once all were in the car , they went off to Safari Sams . Anthony did the chauffeuring , as I stayed home to finish the cake and to be here for dinner prep . I sent the camera with him , but he came home empty handed in terms of pictures . Luckily , he wasn 't empty handed in terms of kids , ' cause I 'd have a lot of ' splaining to do if that were the case . Davan had a lot of plans for the evening , but not many of them happened , it seems . Each guest had brought , at Davan 's request , a playlist of their 14 favorite songs and there was some listening , while also doing other things . There was a book exchange ( rather than gifts for Davan ) . Mostly , though , they romped . I couldn 't believe they were warm enough in their hoodies ( all except one ) to just stand around , but was assured they 'd been running around plenty . They all did cartwheels across the field while I was there , but it was hard to get a picture of in the dark . I left them to it after only a brief visit . Back home , they retreated to Davan 's room for the book exchange and I don 't know what else . Music listening , game playing , hanging from the ceiling ? Probably all of the above . When they were laying out sleeping bags and taking turns in the bathroom , it was , sadly , a little loud again . From 1am - 1 : 45am , I lay there and listened to them . I told Anthony that for the first time since moving in , I wished we 'd gotten a large place with a master suite at one end of the house and the kids ' rooms at the other . I had a rough time falling back asleep and , then , sleeping soundly with the guests , even though they were all sleeping , so it was a pretty darn tired day for me on Sunday . Anthony and I got up at 7 : 30 with Ranger . The kids didn 't get up until 9 . After some morning trapeze swinging , with help from friends , When our last guest left around 1pm , I was glad the party was over , although it had been fun having all the kids around and seeing Davan have such a good time . I was tired , though , and really glad I didn 't have to figure out feeding them all again . We did three meals in all - plus snacks . If they were all my kids , they 'd just have to get used to what we eat , but we tried to make it special for Davan and food the others would like . It did go well , but I was glad not to need to do another meal . Davan had a blast and was sorry to see everyone go . She was pretty tired , though , and it showed ( although not really in a bad way ) the rest of the day . We took it easy and she hit the hay early ( as did we all ! ) and is recovered today . |
It would appear that there is nothing particularly wrong with it . Davan wasn 't interested in a larger bed . Although we did offer her a double bed , she declined , not wanting to take up that much space in her room with something as boring as a bed . Davan likes the drawers under the bed . Due to them , she doesn 't actually have a dresser in her room , which would also take up valuable space better suited to swinging and the like . She had the most comfortable mattress in the house . That was due to , years ago , us shopping around for a mattress for her first single bed , which we spent a good couple of weeks doing , but then , sadly , when we were looking at a top of the line mattress , we just shrugged , said , " What the heck , " and bought it . Well , when we were getting ready to move , we took the bed apart and discovered the large patch of mold . I scrubbed it , bleached it , put it out in the sun for days . . . and we hoped that would take care of it . It was the perfect bed for Davan here with the drawers and all . However , it was not long after moving that we realized that the problem was not solved . At first , we thought it was just the condo that had been closed up so long that smelled a little off . When the weather changed and Davan didn 't have her window open very often , it seemed to get worse . Eventually , I had to face the fact that her bed still had issues . I put an air freshener under her bed . That just layered a chemically cinnamon smell over the top of the musty - nes . I aired out when she was out of the house . The smell lingered . I 'd been worrying for a while that this wasn 't healthy for her . We 'd been going to go small on her birthday this year , considering the trips up to Vancouver we 're doing this winter not to mention the negative flow of money that tuition for boarding school next year may bring . But , I decided that a new bed was in order . Davan was excited , even though it 's a fairly practical gift . She had a bit of a hard time deciding . We 'd gone to look at options prior to the Colorado trip , but she still wasn 't sure . Yesterday , though , we went up to IKEA and she chose . She chose such a simple ( and inexpensive bed ) that we threw in new bedding and a bedside table ( also quite inexpensive ) as part of the deal . I posted the old bed on Freecycle ( we didn 't feel right selling it , even if we could have gotten away with it ) . As nice as our visit in Colorado was , we nearly didn 't make it out the door to get there . We left on Davan 's actual birthday - Friday the 16th , which was because she actually wanted to be traveling on her birthday . She likes road trips . Turns out , she didn 't like road tripping so much that day . . . but we 'll get to that . Things were going fine up until midday on Thursday . I wasn 't packed yet , but we 'd bought all of our travel food as well as gifts I was giving and laundry was done . I still needed to make copies of keys for pet sitters , pack , wrap my gifts and finish up ripping CDs to load up the MP3 player . I took Ranger right over to the vet where she was scheduled to stay for a few hours . They gave her an injection to make her throw up and then gave her some very expensive charcoal to sop up any chocolate she didn 't throw up . They also have her IV meds to make her pee a lot , as the caffeine , which is , apparently , what 's dangerous to dogs in chocolate , will be reabsorbed if it sits too long in the bladder . She was supposed to come home at 2pm . I got on with my to - do list . Davan went out to replace her eaten treats and then got on with her to - do list . I was out working on the key issue again at 1 : 30 , when I got the call that Ranger was still getting sick to her stomach and they wanted to keep her until 7pm . Bummer . We kept going , with the strong hope we 'd still make it out the next day . At 4pm , the vet called again , saying that Ranger was still not keeping fluids down , even though she was very thirsty and wanted very much to drink , but she was also pretty upset unless someone was sitting with her petting her , so they wanted to send her home . Davan and I went to get her . Saying she was thirsty was an understatement . Ranger wasn 't even very excited about seeing us , she wanted out the door and to find puddles to drink . I paid the bill to the tune of $ 325 ( yikes ! ) and we headed home , nearly constantly pulling Ranger away from standing water . Thus began a long and difficult evening . Ranger , indeed , wasn 't keeping anything down . Even tiny amounts of water was too much . And , when she did throw up , it was black from the charcoal . She mostly did her throwing up on the wood floor , but we 'll have a spot in our room to remind us of that lovely evening for all time . It 's pretty faded , as I scrubbed at it , but it 's still there . Anthony and Davan went to see the Zoo Lights , as they 'd planned for months , so I was left home alone with the dog , which was mostly rounds of taking her out to pee ( once I didn 't take her out for 40 minutes , but she peed on the floor , so 30 minutes was pretty much the max time inside ) , which consisted of walking her until she dropped her load while pulling upward on the leash to prevent her from licking the ground , even when it was just wet without a puddle , in her extreme thirst and cleaning up her puke . And , the one time , pee . Fun , fun , fun . Ranger finally started laying down for periods of time around 8pm . She 'd been pacing and whining up until then . We all finished out packing . Anthony decided to camp out in the living room with Ranger , rather than having her sleep on Davan 's bed or in our room with the carpet . I woke up around midnight to the sound of someone tossing their cookies in the bathroom . It was Anthony . He 'd been awake with stomach pain and nausea since we 'd settled down and it culminated in him puking . Who knew Ranger was contagious ? ( Just kidding , of course . ) Ranger , meanwhile , had settled right down and was still sleeping . I offered to switch with Anthony , but he said I should go ahead and sleep . I did . Mostly . I woke up at 6am and came out to the living room to find out what was what . Was Anthony up to traveling ? I was pretty sure Ranger had slept all night , being a seriously light sleeper and not having heard her go out . Anthony had thrown up that once and then gotten some sleep . He was okay with going ahead and driving . I gave Ranger a little food and water , then took her out to walk and to pick up bagels for our driving breakfast . Luckily , she seemed totally recovered . We loaded up and off we went . Davan was clutching the box of bagels . She was very excited about the bagels , as they were to be our first in three months . The gluten free trial was a bust . We had no improvement in the areas we 'd hoped it would help with . This was our first day of eating gluten once again . Ranger was pouting . Not really - just looking out the window . As you can see , it was still dark at 7 : 40 when we pulled out . But we didn 't get far . The fully loaded MP3 player , with a playlist of Christmas books and Christmas songs personally designed by Davan and I to last all the way to Colorado plus several alternative books in case the Christmas books didn 't pan out and for the trip back home and some general music . . . didn 't work . The player said there were no playable songs . No playable playlists . We were less than a mile from home . We turned back . Turns out that I 'd overloaded it and it had no free memory to actually play anything . It took awhile with the computer having been totally shut down and Windows Media Player not able to handle the situation ( I had to just use Explorer to remove a couple of orphan folders and then all was well - but it wasn 't the first thing I tried ) . Then we left again . I did most of the driving , as Anthony was in pretty bad shape . He wasn 't able to eat much all day and was pretty much looking like he 'd been run over with a truck by afternoon , but he was a trooper and we did our usual long first day . Davan also ended up being sick , but not to her stomach . She sat in the back , blowing her nose all day and feeling fairly miserable . At least she was able to partake in the birthday bagels and Newman 's O 's . We stopped at a Motel 6 just inside Wyoming , where we 'd stayed once before and had found it to be adequate , if not , you know , nice . But that night ? Well , that night was pretty miserable . They were pretty full and we discovered that not only did our upstairs neighbors sound like a herd of elephants every time they so much as shifted , but our next door neighbors , who checked in at 11pm and spent about 45 minutes getting settled in , sounded like they were standing by our bedsides having their conversation , rather than being in the next room . We didn 't get much sleep - particularly Davan and I . Anthony got more , but mostly because he was so tired from being sick and being up puking the night before , I believe . Even with all that , Anthony felt much better the next day . This was good , because I was wiped out by sleep deprivation . Davan was , too . I drove some , but Anthony drove most of that day . We were even more glad than usual to arrive in Colorado Springs at my parents ' house in the mid afternoon . It was not our best road trip ever . Nor was it Davan 's best actual birthday by any stretch of the imagination . Oh and , our Christmas books ? They ranged from mediocre to terrible ( in which case , we did do some skipping of books ) , so they didn 't help to pass the time as well as one might have hoped . We might have been better off just switching to a non - Christmas book , but we kept trying and , besides , we did want to hear our Christmas songs , interspersed with the books . If I had it to do over , I 'd have probably set the playlists up differently . . . At any rate , I really don 't recommend anything by Mary Higgins Clark . Sorry to the fans out there . We are home from our Colorado trip . A good time was had by all . I 'll talk more about the trip later , but for now , I 'll share with you a video Davan made . She made it on her own as a Christmas gift for the rest of us . In my family this year , we 're each filling a stocking for one other person . This will the the main event present - wise . We 're going to Colorado to spend Christmas with my parents , so the five of us drew names . That 's quite a feat as we 're a fair distance apart , no ? Even further apart if you consider that they 've been in Cayman Brac for the last couple of weeks . I cleverly did a search for an online name drawing program and , voila : DrawNames . com . So , we each have one other person and it 's all a secret . Davan got a budget to spend , plus any personal money she wants to add . Everyone has to figure out the actual stocking for their person , too . We 're having fun with it . I know I 'm enjoying just focusing on one person . It makes me feel more generous toward that one person , rather than figuring out things for everyone . Anyway , the point of this is that , on Saturday , the three of us went shopping . We were going out to my MIL 's house for afternoon coffee for her birthday and headed out to Gresham early to hit a strip mall . ( Yeah , I know - horrors and all that . ) We split up and each did the shopping we needed to do . Anthony came back to the group saying that he came across something that interested him for me , but he didn 't want to just get it for a present because he wasn 't sure of sizing . After a little hemming and hawing , he told me what it was . I was interested . In fact , I 've been interested in this item for a few years now . Vibram Five Finger shoes ! I 've been wanting to try them for years , but , well , had a hard time justifying the cost . However , now I 'm running a lot and these were on clearance for about 40 % off . It was a bit of a risk because maybe I wouldn 't like them , but if I did , well , then they 'd save some wear on my main pair of shoes , which is a good thing . And they 're supposed to be good for you . So , this morning , I slipped my toes into these bad babies and went for a run . I did this in spite of the fact that I was pretty much down for the day with a bit of the stomach flu yesterday and in spite of the fact that it was a whopping 31 degrees out . Why ? Mostly because I was so excited to try them ! Also , though , I was doing a short run this morning . I let myself sleep in due to the whole sick yesterday thing and woke up feeling better , but not great . And Lovely was due to come in a little over a half an hour . So , I knew I was only going out for a half an hour or so and one should start slow with the whole minimalist running shoe thing . I was expecting that I 'd be slower . I was expecting that my feet would be cold - after all , they 're minimal and I don 't have five finger socks . Other than that , I wasn 't sure what to expect . I liked them ! I wouldn 't run every run in them or so super far yet , but I liked them for two miles . I wasn 't slower at all and my feet weren 't cold . I did find that I really didn 't want to run on the sidewalk . I 'm more of a street runner anyway , but I can run on the sidewalk fine usually . Not today , though - today I really didn 't like the sidewalk at all . I also found I noticed some sensitive areas - a spot on my right ankle that bothers me sometimes , for example . I felt it today , but more in a working it way than in a hurt way . It was odd , but not bad . All - in - all , I do like them . I 'll probably only do one or two runs a week in them at first , at least , though . I think they 're good for strengthening and stride work . I 'll want to do more distance than would be prudent due to the muscle work . I 've been running regularly and ( mostly ) with a plan for improvement for about three months now , I believe . Prior to that , I ran about , oh , maybe 6 - 8 miles a week . Now , after doing my 10K , I 'm taking a break from my training plan , but still running and averaging about 20 miles a week or so . The plan from here is to just run as I can / want to through December , then start a half marathon training program in January . I 'll be doing a half marathon in early May . This is all fine and good . I 'm slow still . In fact , after watching Hood to Coast last night , I was poking around , looking at their web site and discovered that I 'm really too slow to run the Hood to Coast unless I have much stronger people on my team . You , as a team , have to be able to average 9 : 45 miles . Now , I could probably do that for 2 , possibly 3 , miles , but not for three legs of 4 - 7 miles each . Not that I was really thinking I could do the Hood to Coast anyway . I have this little fantasy that someone would ask me to join their team because I know it 's about 50 / 50 to get your own team in on the lottery system and I 'm not all that excited about captaining a team anyway . However , now that I know how fast people are supposed to be , who 'd want me on their team even if they were desperate ? The point is that I 'm still slow , but I 'm relatively happy with my running ( Hood to Coast dreams aside ) . My mileage is certainly improving . I actually have two running speeds now - working hard and working really hard . Okay , maybe three , actually , I also have killing myself , which is an all out sprint . However , it used to be that I only had one speed and that was working really hard while barely moving faster than a walk . So , this is an improvement . Anthony took up running right about that same 3 months ago , maybe a later . He spent a whole month or so walking half the time . He 's never gone out for longer than a half an hour . This morning , we each went for a run . I did 3 . 88 miles according to my GPS . I was out ( minus a bathroom break at Freddie 's ) for 43 minutes . Anthony did about 3 . 8 ( he doesn 't have a running GPS , so that 's from Map my Run ) and he was out for 34 minutes . The plan is for both of us to do the Portland Marathon in October 2012 . Guess who will log more running hours with more intensive and specific training . Guess who will finish first by a long shot . If you picked different names , then we 're on the same page . It 's kind of depressing . Of course , it 's only fair to mention that Anthony has a huge aerobic base compared to me . He 's been doing centuries on his bike for something like 6 years now . Even on the days he doesn 't work out , he rides into and home from work for about 40 minutes total riding . So , it 's not like he 's not doing anything and getting results . Still , from past experience , even if that were the case - him doing much less than me period - he 'd still be faster . Sigh . We decorated last night . There was a little bit of debate about if we were even going to , as we 're not going to be here on Christmas . Oddly , it was Davan who said that she thought maybe we shouldn 't decorate . As she has since pointed out , she was in a strange mood that day ( DAP - Day After Party ) . We don 't get Christmas trees anymore . A few years back , we didn 't get one because we were going away for Christmas , but Davan still really wanted to decorate , so we came up with the solution of hanging lights and stringing the ornaments off of them . Davan said , " It 's like being inside the tree ! " and that 's how we 've done it ever since . It came to our attention during Glee that Davan , while we know she has watched The Grinch Who Stole Christmas , didn 't actually remember it . So , I found it on You Tube and we watched that , too . Yup . All Christmas - y around these parts . Guess I better get going on my secret Santa stocking . In the last couple of weeks , Davan has made a decision that could change our lives pretty drastically . As you probably remember , she and I took a little trip up to Vancouver so she could attend the pre - selection tour for the National Circus School in Montreal . This was so she could try to attend their camp this summer , which is a two week program for 13 - 17 year olds . They also have a one week program for 9 - 13 year olds . Any - who , as you probably also remember , she put together an audition packet for Circus Smirkus , which would have been a 10 week performance tour deal . She got the news that she was not invited to in person auditions on Thanksgiving . She is still applying to their advanced camp , which is a two week camp . Then , she watched this video and this video . She burst into tears , hugged me and said , " Mom , I don 't want to leave you , but that 's where I really want to be ! " Davan had considered the high school a couple of years ago , but had recently decided that she didn 't want to leave home . That was that . She just wasn 't ready to move away . Those two short videos blew that all away . Mostly . Actually , she still doesn 't want to leave , but she really does want to do this program . A ) Take things one step at a time . Right now that step is just getting her application stuff in . Next , it 'll be the audition . B ) She 'd apply even if she didn 't get a recommendation from the pre - selection tour . One can , but one does not have overly good prospects of making it . However , seeing as how it 's a $ 50 application fee ( plus , of course , another trip to Vancouver ) , we decided the experience would be good and it would be worth a shot . We are pleased to inform you that your application caught our attention during the recent Pre - Selection tour . Following our preliminary assessment , the National Circus School would like to invite you to apply for acceptance to the Circus and High School Studies ( CES ) program . You could register to the official Entrance Exam , in Montreal , February 18 , in Toronto , February 2 or in Vancouver , February 3 , 2012 . The candidate who has succeeded the first part of the test will be invited to continue with the Academic test that will be conducted in collaboration with your actual academic institution in March 2012 . There is more , but you don 't need to read the whole thing . Davan was so excited to get this that she walked on air for days . The letter did go on to say that if she didn 't want to go to the high school at this point , or her parents said no , that she was welcome to come to camp . As camp was all she was hoping for originally , this was pretty cool for her . I was so pleased for her after the rejection from Circus Smirkus . Whew . Davan had her birthday party this weekend . So , " Happy Birthday , Davan ! " However , it was this weekend because we were being very flexible about her party date . Her actual birthday isn 't until the 16th , but , considering how the last two birthday parties went , we wanted to stack the successful birthday party odds in her favor . ( Warning ! This turned into a super long post , which wasn 't what I had in mind when I started out , but there you go - a trip down memory lane , followed by a birthday party report . At least there are a lot of pictures . ) For her 6th , she just wanted a day with all her special adult people . Anthony and my mom took the day off so that they , my step dad and I could all spend the day with Davan , doing pretty much whatever she wanted all day . That meant a lot of playing dolls with her . For number 8 , she had a big bash with nearly every local person we know in attendance , kids and parents alike . It was quite fun and we did it open house style . Sadly , I can 't seem to find a single picture , although I know we took some . I do know that her present was a room remodel : For her 11th , it was another 2 party sort of deal . One was with several of her homeschool friends . We went to see a school Do Jump show , then went back to our house for lunch and games . We didn 't officially call this one a birthday party , but . . . it kind of was . The main event that year , though , was a day with Anthony and I . We were supposed to take her to Safari Sams and actually play with her there , but it was a heavy snow day . We spent the day at home , instead . This involved an obstacle course . Her 12th birthday ended up being quite fun , but it was a bitter disappointment at first . She invited her two best friends to go sledding for the day and then to come spend the night . One couldn 't make it due to family plans . Then the snow was very poor that year and the sledding part got canceled . The other friend then had to cancel at the last minute due to illness . It ended up being another day with her dad and I and didn 't involve sledding . Then we left the house without the camera . We went swimming , out to lunch at Noodles and Co , to Safari Sam 's for the afternoon and finished with dinner at the Paradox , which was her favorite restaurant at the time . We came back home for snow related crafts ( because of the original plan ) and dessert . But , sadly , Emma sustained a ( turns out mild ) shoulder injury during the Do Jump play part of the festivities . The more pressing issue turned out to be that Emma was sick . She went home , where she went to bed and slept the rest of the day . Davan was bummed . Emma did do a sleepover later and we did finish out the planned events with Davan that night . So , this year , after two years of disappointing birthday parties , we were really wanting this one to happen . Davan decided on having four friends go to Safari Sams ( yeah , she and her active friends still love the place ) , then come back for dinner and a sleepover . We sent out options for dates for scheduling purposes ( December can be a challenging month for a birthday ) and found the one that worked . One person still wasn 't able to join in until evening . One person ended up leaving mid party for a soccer game , then returned . All - in - all , though , it went well . Everyone came for at least part and fun was had by all . The festivities started out at 11am with the first person to be picked up , then , once all were in the car , they went off to Safari Sams . Anthony did the chauffeuring , as I stayed home to finish the cake and to be here for dinner prep . I sent the camera with him , but he came home empty handed in terms of pictures . Luckily , he wasn 't empty handed in terms of kids , ' cause I 'd have a lot of ' splaining to do if that were the case . Davan had a lot of plans for the evening , but not many of them happened , it seems . Each guest had brought , at Davan 's request , a playlist of their 14 favorite songs and there was some listening , while also doing other things . There was a book exchange ( rather than gifts for Davan ) . Mostly , though , they romped . I couldn 't believe they were warm enough in their hoodies ( all except one ) to just stand around , but was assured they 'd been running around plenty . They all did cartwheels across the field while I was there , but it was hard to get a picture of in the dark . I left them to it after only a brief visit . Back home , they retreated to Davan 's room for the book exchange and I don 't know what else . Music listening , game playing , hanging from the ceiling ? Probably all of the above . When they were laying out sleeping bags and taking turns in the bathroom , it was , sadly , a little loud again . From 1am - 1 : 45am , I lay there and listened to them . I told Anthony that for the first time since moving in , I wished we 'd gotten a large place with a master suite at one end of the house and the kids ' rooms at the other . I had a rough time falling back asleep and , then , sleeping soundly with the guests , even though they were all sleeping , so it was a pretty darn tired day for me on Sunday . Anthony and I got up at 7 : 30 with Ranger . The kids didn 't get up until 9 . After some morning trapeze swinging , with help from friends , When our last guest left around 1pm , I was glad the party was over , although it had been fun having all the kids around and seeing Davan have such a good time . I was tired , though , and really glad I didn 't have to figure out feeding them all again . We did three meals in all - plus snacks . If they were all my kids , they 'd just have to get used to what we eat , but we tried to make it special for Davan and food the others would like . It did go well , but I was glad not to need to do another meal . Davan had a blast and was sorry to see everyone go . She was pretty tired , though , and it showed ( although not really in a bad way ) the rest of the day . We took it easy and she hit the hay early ( as did we all ! ) and is recovered today . |
This is a blog describing my personal adoption experience and on going progress . It has my thoughts , feelings , insights , and complaints on my process and sometimes even the adoption process as a whole . My goal is to create a blog that will show the realistic views of adoption from a birth mothers point of view and hopefully to provide support to others in the same situation that I was and still am in . It 's February 20th , 2011 . . . I am 20 years old today . I have passed my teen years , and I can officially be considered an adult . It has been a year since I found out I was pregnant with Jude . I spent my birthday by seeing Jude and his parents for breakfast and then driving the 8 hours home . I spent the last part of Friday and all of Saturday in San Diego . Saturday morning I was set to meet Jude , Katie , and Greg in front of my hotel . I had come alone , because Victor got swamped with homework that last minute and wouldn 't be able to go to San Diego and finish all of his homework and projects . So I was solo this whole weekend . Needless to say , I was scared , nervous , and excited all at the same time . When I saw them though , I knew everything was going to be OK . When I saw Jude , I almost cried . He was so BIG ! He looks close to one years old , but he 's only 4 months . He smiles all the time , he 's healthy , and he didn 't cry around me ; I couldn 't have asked for more . We went everywhere in San Diego ; the aquarium , La Jolla , Downtown , Hotel Del Coranado , and Seaport Village . We all got to talk about everything ; life , work , school , the adoption , my blog ( yep , they read it and love it ! ) , and of course Jude . I even got a chance to meet Greg 's parents , and they are very cool and chill people . It was then , that I made a realization . We went to this hawaiian themed restaurant in Seaport Village . Jude was asleep , to my dismay , and we all were sitting around talking . After dinner Jude woke up crying for some food , Greg got up and fed him . I watched as Greg fed them and listened to Katie and Greg 's parents talk about how Jude slept the night before . I was slowly getting jealous , listening to them talk about how he slept with Greg 's parents that night and Katie was worried and jealous as well that night , and it was making me annoyed as well . I would love to have one night with him . I knew that Katie and Greg would never go for it , and they have good reasoning to not to , but still I wish I could have him for like three hours while they go see a movie or something . I started to think about why I wanted him for the night , mostly for curiosity and alone time , I took another look around . I saw them all talking together , laughing , admiring Jude while he ate and it hit me . Jude was no longer really mine . I knew that legally he was no longer mine and I was no longer his mother , but there was always this still biological little connection of " This is my child , I gave birth to him , but I don 't take care of him " . At that moment though , it was all gone . This is a good and bad thing . It 's good because , in a sense it 's true . He is no longer mine , and I shouldn 't feel like he 's mine other wise I might become something else that isn 't good . I might get to attached , I might become needy around him , or I might infringe on Katie and Greg 's life ; all of which I don 't want . It 's bad though , because the little connection that I did have , is gone . I feel like I 'm just looking at my one of my cousin 's when I look at him ; I love him and love being around him , but nothing else is going on . I don 't feel my stomach flutter every time I see him , I don 't see me or Victor in him , and holding him doesn 't warm my heart like it used to . Is this a bad thing ? Does this mean that over time I 'm not going to love him anymore ? Will I stop caring about if I see him or hear from them anymore ? This throughly freaked me out to the point of shaking , which is like the " world is ending " in levels of my emotional state , and I couldn 't stop . Katie asked if I was cold and I just told her I was fine . I went to the bathroom shortly after . I took a few deep breaths , looked at my self hard in the mirror , and told my self " I can do this . I can do this . " I told my self through out the night that I did love him . I wouldn 't want alone time with him other wise , I wouldn 't be thinking about the next time I would get to see him , and that love would never go away even if the connection did . The thought couldn 't escape me though . Katie could tell I was off some how , and I felt off . I didn 't eat much and was quiet . After breakfast this morning , we went to a near by park , and greg took amazing pictures of Jude and I . Then they took me back to the hotel , and we said our good byes . As weird as this sounds , letting go of or leaving Jude is always very easy for me . Its when I haven 't seen him for a while that it becomes very hard for me . I thanked Katie and Greg for everything and how much I appreciated them for everything . Overall , I was very happy with the trip . I loved seeing Jude again , learning new things about him , and catching up with Katie and Greg . My realization still bothers me though . If my biological connection with Jude can disappear suddenly , can my love ? I keep telling my self over and over again " It will never happen ! Everything you do , you do for that little boy ! To make him proud ! You visit him and want pictures because you love him ! " But loosing that little connection that I did have has rattled me to the core . Visits are hard for some people . Sometimes they might miss the baby so much that its hard to let go all over again . Other times they have expectations of how the session will go , and they will either be let down or pleasantly surprised . Visits are hard for the adoptive parents as well . I can only imagine how they feel about their baby 's biological parents coming into their lives every once in a while and disrupting their normal lives . I have my second visit with Jude , Katie , and Greg in a few days . I haven 't seen them since November , and quiet frankly , I 'm scared . I 'm so scared things are going to go badly , their going to cancel , or Jude doesn 't like me . When babies get around 4 - 6 months old , they start becoming very mommy and daddy attached and don 't like any one else holding them . I understand that he doesn 't understand and that its not personal , but I don 't really know how well I would take it . I 'm scared that we 'll all get into a fight or something . Katie and I may be alike in some ways and like each other , but like any average relationship between two people , we do get into fights every once in a while . Now , I 'm the kind of person that hates arguments and fights via technology , because you can 't really fix things over a text or email . I mean you can say everything is alright , but there 's always a physical weirdness between you and the other person when you see each other again . So for me its always better to fight and make - up face to face . Katie and I really only communicate via email or text , because we live so far away from each other . So when we do get into an argument , its hard to know if things are really OK in the end . All you can really do is trust that its OK . Victor and I are driving to San Diego this Friday and were going to spend the weekend with Katie , Greg , and Jude . This sunday it is also my 20th birthday and my greatest gift ever would be able to see Jude smile and laugh . I miss him so much , but I 'm so scared to go . I hear all visitations are like that in the beginning , but over time things become easier and more comfortable . I certainly hope what they say is true ; I really do . Telling people that you had a baby is one look . Its a half surprise , half happy . Its the look that says " Wow your so young to have a baby , but good for you ! " . Then you tell them that you gave your baby up for adoption . Its like telling them your grandmother died , there face falls and they usually say " Oh " . Its the face that says " Oh , poor thing couldn 't take care of her baby . Its probably for the best , she 's so young they wouldn 't have had a good life . " I got a bunch of looks when I was pregnant too . Looks that would say " Oh look , there 's another teenage girl pregnant . " I was just another stereotype to them , nothing more . I was used to it . I honestly didn 't really care , I had bigger fish in my life to fry . Not only that but I didn 't have to associate with people who didn 't like me or my decisions . I told myself in the beginning of this process that I wouldn 't take anyone 's shit , because it was my life and my decision ; not theirs . However , I never really thought about how other people would get seen because of me . I was never really aware of how it might make my mom , sister , and other family members look . I never thought what Victor would think of himself or what others would think of him because I was pregnant . Sometimes I knew what they were going threw ; Others I just now found out about . I couldn 't and still can 't imagine what they went threw or might still be going threw . I was too worried with my own problems to care about theirs . To them I say , I 'm sorry . I was so consumed with what I was and still am going threw , I didn 't want to see anyone else 's problems and issues . Please know , for those of you that are still hurting , I want to fix that and I 'm going to try to make that happen . For those of you whose pain has passed , again I say , I 'm sorry . October 15th , 2010 . It was a Friday , it was just like any other Friday . It was hot , the sky was clear , and like any other Friday morning I had a doctor 's appointment . I was 39 weeks pregnant and I looked it . The week before the doctor noticed that my stomach was still growing . Traditionally the uterus / stomach stops growing after 36 - 37 weeks , so they wanted an ultrasound to see how big the baby was . The ultrasound tech took all sorts of measurements and we got to see his face again . When the doctor came back , she said he was somewhere between 8 . 5 - 9 . 3 pounds . Now for anyone who has even went to a health class and learned where babies come from then you should know , giving birth vaginally HURTS ! Big things are not supposed fit through small holes . So the idea of pushing a 8 . 5 pound baby out did not appeal to me . To that she said " Well , we could schedule a C - section for tonight " . Whoa , who said anything about having a baby today ? ! I looked at my mom , who said " Today is as good a day to have a baby " . The doctor assured me that he was defiantly healthy and ready to come out . Not only that but my mom had to have a C - section because her pelvic bones were to narrow . He hadn 't dropped yet and it didn 't seem like he was going to move . So I said yes and I was scheduled to have a C - section at 6pm . I called Victor first to let him know what was going on . He sounded a little shock , but he said he would meet us at the hospital . I called Katie next , she sounded so excited . I could see her at work freaking out and calling Greg . She said they would leave as soon as possible and they would meet us at the hospital . I told her she could bring her mom and / or dad if she wanted , but they were going to wait in the waiting room . I only wanted Victor and my mom in the delivery room . I had to wait out most of the day until my C - section . I packed a bag , called my friends who wanted to know when I was having the baby , my mom took me to get my nails done to pass time , and I had a friend braid french braid my hair . When my mom and me got to the hospital , Victor was already there . We went up and checked in . They got me in a gown , took my blood , monitored my heart and the babies , and gave me an IV . Katie , Greg , and Natty got there a few minutes before I went in . Then a nurse came in and told me it was time to deliver the baby . I was so scared , but I knew everything was going to be alright . They gave me an epidural , and it was amazing . Then , at 6 : 23pm , he was born . They took him out of the room to weigh him , clean him off , and do other test . I kept asking how was he and how much he weighed . Victor told me he was fine , and my mom went with the nurse who took Jude out of the room . A few minutes later they brought him back into the room and all of a sudden he was in front of my face . His face was so squished and he smelled like a baby . I was so surprised that he was there . Up until that moment it didn 't seem real and then I saw him . Victor was the first to hold him and then my mom . I held him when I went to recovery . He was so heavy . He turned out to be 10 pounds even ! Good thing I didn 't have to push him out . Recovery only allowed two people at a time , so little by little people came in to see me . Katie and Greg saw him and held him , so did Natty , Sarah , and Malcolm . A few hours later , Jude and I were moved to our room . I wanted him to stay with me , but I was so tired and having Jude in the room made me nervous . When babies sleep , you can barely hear them breathing . So I would have my mom check every 10 minutes or so to make sure he was breathing . Then my mom convinced me to have him moved to the nursery for the night . My mom stayed with me until 1am , then I told her she could go . Victor spent the next night with me , then Katie spent the night with me , and the last night I was by myself . I spent my days seeing visitors , my friends , family , Victor 's family , and Katie 's family . Lots of pictures were taken . The last night I was there , I kept him the whole night . I cried a good portion of it . He never left my side . The next day , me and Victor signed the papers . My mom and Sarah were crying really hard . After the papers were signed , Victor left for school . His mom came by to say goodbye to Jude . We took our last pictures and said our goodbye , then I gave him to his mom and dad . I wasn 't crying in the hospital . I waited until I got home . I got into my bed , my mom helped me , and I looked around . Everything was the same , but it wasn 't right . There should have been a crib , changing table , toys , and more importantly a baby ; my baby . I broke down . I cried like a kindergardener when she doesn 't get her way . I bawled my eyes out , and I continued to do so for the next few days . I would like to tell you things got easier along the way , but they didn 't , at least not all in one day . In California , the law is birth parents have 30 days to change there mind . There were days that I wanted to call the social worker and tell her I wanted him back , but I couldn 't . I loved him and wanted him back so badly , but his happiness meant more to me . Not only that , but I couldn 't disappoint Katie and Greg and take there son away . I had my first visit with him a month later . He looked so happy and his parents did too . Greg offered to do a photo shoot of Jude and me , so we did . I bought us color coordinated outfits and we took a bunch of pictures . I get pictures often and he 's growing up happily . It makes me happy to see him and them happy . It lets me know that I made the right choice . Sometimes it is still hard and sometimes I have bad days , but bad days end . Now I 'm back at school and I 'm trying to find a new normal . I still miss him and I can 't wait to see him again , but I know he 's alright and happy . : ) It turned out I only needed to wait a little longer to meet the perfect parents . I was five months along and still not really showing . I could tell and anyone who saw me naked would be able to tell , but to the general public I still looked normal . I was still working in Monterey because it was good money ( for a college student anyway ) , so every week for 3 or 4 days I would drive to Monterey and back . One day after work I was walking back to my car and I received a phone call from Natty . Natalie , who we call Natty for short , is a really good family friend . She 's an aesthetician and does my mom 's , Sarah 's , and my eyebrows and sometimes facials . My mom has been going to her for as long as I can remember and I help her out with some charity work during christmas time . She 's a really sweet woman , very down to earth , honest , speaks her mind , and talks about her kids , Katie and Scotty , all the time . I know Natty really well and love her , but she 's never called me before . So I was confused as to why she was calling me . " Well , I was wondering if you would consider my daughter , Katie and her husband . They have been married for about 6 years and they 've been trying to get pregnant , but for some reason its just not happening . I told them about you and they were curious if you would consider them to be parents . " Now me knowing Natty , I knew that she was a good person and very likely a good parent . I had never met Katie before , I 've met Scotty , Natty 's son , but Katie was 10 years older than me and out of the house by the time I met Natty . Natty wouldn 't let me down though , so I told her to text me or email me Katie 's email and I would write to them . She was just so appreciative that I just CONSIDERING Katie and Greg as potential parents . We said our goodbyes and hung up . I called my mom right after and had a stern talk about how she has to tell me who she is about me so I don 't get random phone calls like that again . Later I told Victor about everything . A few days later Natty sent me Katie 's email . I wrote this long letter to Katie and Greg explaining who Victor and I were , what our situation was , our current adoption plan , what we were looking for in parents , what kind of adoption we wanted , and how to contact us . A few days later I got a reply and they sounded so nice and so honest . Katie , Greg , Victor and I talked via email for a while . Katie and Greg sent us a bio about them selves and pictures of their life . Victor and I liked what we saw and decided we wanted to meet them . They agreed and we set up a time and a place . To me this was exciting , because I was really happy with them and because I would interview them . The agency , and most agencies , don 't let birth parents interview adoptive parents . You have to pick the parents first and then you get to meet them , which is understandable , but I hated it . You can 't have a connection with a person by looking at a picture , its a physical thing . So the fact that I could meet these people , interview them , see if there 's a connection , and still say " No , I 'm sorry , your not what were looking for " made me happy . It seems cruel , but this was my kid we were dealing with . If I didn 't feel anything with these people or I didn 't like them , then they weren 't getting the baby . I wasn 't going to just give him to anyone . We met at a Starbucks in Los Gatos on a Saturday afternoon a few weeks later . We talked about our lives , our interest , what we were looking for in the adoption and Victor and I talked about our medical history . Medical history is really important in the adoption world . Potential are aloud to be picky when picking children . Some what a certain gender , race , some want only healthy babies , while others are comfortable with taking disabled babies . Not only that but , the baby you would be raising would have a different medical history than you , so it was important to know how they differ from you . We talked for a little over an hour . Victor and I told them we would talk about it and let them know what we think , but I knew that they were perfect . Victor and I went into the Petco next door after they left and talked about it . We both wanted them as our baby 's parents . Victor told me we should wait the weekend and sleep on it to make sure . I can 't even imagine how awful those few days must have been for them . A few days later , we still wanted them as our parents , so I sent Katie an email saying we would love it if they were our baby 's parents . She was so happy , after she was done crying about it all , she started working on finding a lawyer . We talked a lot and I kept her updated on all baby related stuff . We found a great lawyer and she helped us get all of our legal stuff . We all met together and hashed out the terms of our open adoption and she told me and Victor our rights . Every once in a while Katie would come to San Jose and we would hang out together . The next few months just kinda went by . I went to doctors appointments ( found out the baby was a boy ) , took online classes , tried to find ways to make money , dealt with drama of all sorts , and was trying to deal with my emotional state one day at a time . Victor and I met with a social worker who told us our rights and had us fill out paper work . My third trimester was all about the birth . I was so nervous about the whole thing , and when I get nervous about things I either bite my nails or plan ; I did both . I made a birth plan , a calling list ( in order of who to call first to last ) , a to - do list of things that need to be done before I went to the hospital , and anything else I could possibly plan . I dragged Victor to an all day Lamaze class and we played along with all the things the teacher told us to do . We laughed most of the way threw , but it was still good we went . It gave us peace of mind . I was huge by my third trimester , I was fat and my stomach was the size of a beach ball . EVERYTHING was in some kind of pain , my ankles swelled up , I couldn 't sleep , I had to pee all the time , and I waddled . Needless to say I was REALLY pregnant . I started to notice the baby more by the beginning of my third trimester . Where he liked to kick ( the ribs ) , his sleeping and awake moments , what songs he responded too and what his favorite one was ( The Only Exception by Paramore ) , and his favorite foods . I started developing patterns with food , I had frozen waffles every morning ( sometimes twice a day ) for my last 4 months , I drank a lot of soda , pasta and quesadillas were a steeple , and bananas were eaten often . I would talk to him and sometimes sing to him if a good song was on . This is when it hit me , I loved my son . I don 't know how it happened , but it did . I knew it was going to make things even more difficult , but I also knew giving him up was the right thing to do and I couldn 't disappoint Katie and Greg . By the time I was 39 weeks along it was October , unbearably hot and I was done being pregnant . Emotionally , physically , mentally , I was just done . Victor was going to school again , Sarah was back at school , I was taking online classes , and the world got back into it 's out - of - summer patterns . I was going to the doctors office every week now and would talk to Katie and Greg often . Katie , I imagine , was just waiting by the phone everyday . Turns out October 15th , 2010 was her day . Alright for those who don 't have any experience with pregnancy ; it sucks ass . Being pregnant is an awful thing , I have no clue why some women want it so bad . Oh , and the women that say " I love being pregnant , its such a wonderful experience " they are either bull shitting you or high as a kite . If I were have to pick between being pregnant and having a period though , I would pick pregnancy all the way . You have a really good excuse for being a bitch to some one when your pregnant , everyone is nicer to you , you can eat almost anything u want and no one judges you for it , and the whole giving life this is actually empowering . My first trimester I had horrible morning sickness . I personally hate hate HATE vomiting . I know no one enjoys vomiting ( except for maybe bulimics ) , but especially hate it . So my goal during my pregnancy was not to vomit . I would get so nausea that I couldn 't eat anything but cucumbers , french fries , and ranch dressing . I would get so nauseous that if i were laying in bed and I had to get up to go to the bathroom , I would have to seriously think about whether it was worth it or not . But not once did I throw up . Yay me ! During my first trimester I also was tired all the time . I would take a nap or two during the day and still be able to go to bed at like 9 , which in college is early . I had told my teachers what was going on , so they knew that they knew why I wasn 't in class that day . I had also told my boss and eventually my co - workers . The only people who didn 't know were most of my friends and my family . I told my family around Easter . I told my sister Easter day and she was the first one to know . I had gone to my family 's priest to ask for help . I needed to know how to tell me mom , because I knew she would be the most disappointed . My mom and Sarah know that my views are not traditional , so the fact that I was talking to our priest about something was weird . Sarah and I were driving to one of our easter parties , and she just flat out asked me " Are you pregnant ? " . I was tired at lying at that point and it was time to start telling my family , so I told her yes . I told my mom next . I had to get blood test earlier that day and Victor wanted to go with me . He couldn 't get a car to come down , so I drove to SJ and back to MB , took the test , and drove back to SJ . I decided to just stay in SJ for a while and I went home . My mom saw my bandages and asked why I had them . I told her they were for a blood test that I needed because I was pregnant . She took it about as well as I thought she would . My mom told my stepdad and eventually a bunch of other family members and friends . I told my dad last . He took it really well at first , but when he told my stepmom his opinion changed . In short , my dad and stepmom decided to try to keep my pregnancy and adoption a secret from everyone on my dads side of the family , including my younger brother and sister . I didn 't see anyone from my dad 's side of the family until a month or two after I had Jude . ( Funnily enough , everyone except my brother and sister , found out about it anyway . So suck on those lemons dad and Amber ! ) Victor and I told his parents a few weeks later , and that was a whole other issue . During this time , I had found an adoption agency that had agencies all over California . I knew I wanted an open adoption , and not just any open adoption , but the most open adoption imaginable . I wanted pictures , letters / emails , video 's and visitations . Victor wanted an open adoption that only included letters / emails and a few pictures , and maybe when the kid was older visitations . I had been talking to two counselors describing Victor and me , deciding what the next steps would be , the legal issues , and what Victor and I were looking for in parents . I had a really good idea of what kind of parents I wanted and Victor only had one major guideline . I knew I wanted a youngish married couple with good paying jobs . I didn 't want just any married couple though , I wanted the married couple that are so cute together it makes others sick . I did not want to have my kid deal with a divorce later on in his life . I also wanted to know that they had jobs that would be less likely to be fired from or die from . What Victor and I really wanted and this was a must , they had to be open and non - constricting . We didn 't want parents that would force religion , politics , or a certain life style on our baby . We lived those kind of life styles and we didn 't want that for our kid . Not only that but the more open and flexible the parents are , the more likely they were going to go alone with a really open adoption . Everything else was subjective , they could have been any race , any sexuality , and have kids already . I knew that when I found the right parents for my baby , I would know ; it would hit me like lightning . The agency worked with us and would try to set meetings up that would fit with everyone 's schedule and would check in with me every now and again . While they were picking potential parents within the agency , Victor and I were looking at potential parents outside of the agency . There was this family that I knew that had adopted a girl years ago and I originally asked them if they would consider adopting Jude . They thought about it and I know the mother wanted to , but ultimately they decided they were too old to adopt another baby . Victor 's aunt offered to take the baby , but she lives in Germany and that was just too far for me . ( Plus I didn 't really want Victor 's family raising the baby . I don 't know Victor 's aunt , I bet she is a nice woman , but I was and still am mad at Victor 's family for reasons that I 'll discuss later ) We also told any one who knew that I was pregnant to ask around to see if anyone they knew was wanting to adopt . While we waited for the agency to pick out parents that met our list of demands . I went to doctors appointments , tried to do well at school ( which I was unsuccessful at doing ) , worked , learned more about pregnancy , and tried to figure my next steps in life . I knew that I wouldn 't be able to go back to school next semester because I was due mid - semester and I didn 't want to be far away from my family and Victor when I went into labor . So I had to mentally prepare myself for moving back home ( Seriously , that was my biggest sacrifice I made threw out the whole pregnancy ) . Second Trimester wasn 't so bad . Things started to hurt , I had to pee all the time , and I started to get fatter , but I didn 't really show until the tail end of the second trimester . In the ultrasound he looked more like a person and continued to be healthy . I was transitioning from Monterey to San Jose mid trimester . I was going to go to a new doctor and take online a community college . I had moved into my parents house and back into my room . Around that time , the agency had put together a list of parents that we thought we would like . Now when you " view " parents , you really just look at a scrapbook the potential parents put together that includes a letter to the birthparents , a bio of some kind , and a bunch of pictures of them , their families , home , etc . So Victor and I went into there San Jose office , and looked at these books . There were around 12 - 15 of these books . We split the pile up and made a rule , if one parent doesn 't like the a family , then that family wasn 't going to be a choice . The decision had to be unanimous . We spent close to two hours looking threw these books , some were I liked more than others and some I just didn 't like . None of them really hit me as " the ones " , so we left parent - less . The agency would go try again looking in their southern california agencies as well . I had to pee so I went to the bathroom . When I came out of the stall I just looked at myself in the mirror and started crying . I was so disappointed and so upset that I didn 't find a family for my baby . I was four - five months along and I was getting anxious . I came of the bathroom in tears , Victor looked so scared for a second . " What 's wrong ? " he asked . I told him " it was supposed to hit me like lightning or a chorus of angels were supposed to start singing " . I cried in his arms for a little bit and while he held me he said that sometimes it doesn 't happen that way and if it does happen that way then it just didn 't happen today , but it will . I think that I start going into any issues that I am currently having , I should explain my situation , pregnancy , adoption , and so on and so forth . What I 'm going to try to do here is just give a very general overview , maybe go into some detail about certain things , but mainly just get threw the important things . I want to do this because I think certain events and situations would make really good discussion topics and I would want to go into more detail and then there would be a tangent in the story . I like tangents , I go of on them all the time , but only certain stories can have tangents in them and this is not one of them . Let 's start at the beginning . January 10th , 2010 - The day Victor F . , the love of my life and the guy I gave my heart , body , and soul to , told me that he no longer loved me and broke up with me . He didn 't know when or how it happened , but he realized the day before that he no longer loved me romantically . The thing about Victor is he 's a very straight forward thinker . He sees things in black , white , and sometimes gray . So if he knows / feels something is off about him , he will sit down and think about it . Me on the other hand , I 'm more driven by my emotions . In my mind , love just couldn 't disappear all of a suddenly . Especially a love thats been around since 7th grade , when we first met . Granted we were on and off often , but up until that moment we were on for 2 - 3 years . I cried for 4 hours in the street and he stayed with me the whole time ; answering the questions I asked / yelled no matter how many times I asked it , trying to physically comfort me with hugs or pats on the back without it having be misconstrued , and just making sure that I was going to be OK . The great thing about Victor and I is we can honestly just be friends . We each others best friends and we didn 't want to loose that . I can 't stand it when things are weird between people for a long period of time , so 3 or so days later I went over to his house and we tried to hangout . Luckily it was successful , up until the end . I was about to leave and as I got up to leave one of us , I forget who , touched the other . Like a hand of the others arm , that turned into both hands of the arms , and that turned into a hug . Thats when we gave each other the look . It 's the moment when two people look into each other 's eyes and know what 's going to happen next . We kissed , kissing lead to , groping and other sexual actions that eventually lead to sex . I knew it didn 't mean anything , but we just needed to see . We needed to see that if what we had could come back . It didn 't of course and afterwards things were a bit awkward . I went home and the next day I left Cali for Oregon . My grandma had surgery , so me and my mom went up to help her around the house . Here 's how Jude came to be . I have been on the pill for years . I know how the pill works and how the timing works . I 've been on it so long that my body was on a schedule . The day that me and Victor had sex was the first day I was off my pills for the week . I had my period like normal and then I decided to stay off my pills . I had been on them for like 4 years straight and had been told that it was bad for your body if you stayed on them too long . I had two reasons why I wasn 't worried I would get pregnant . 1 ) In theory , when u have a period that should mean no egg is present . However this is not true all the time , which I knew . But reason number 2 came in after that . 2 ) Victor and I had pretty much been having sex as long as we were dating . A good portion of that time we were using protection , but some of the time we weren 't . I 've had pregnancy scares before and I was quite used to them . In the end though I was never pregnant . Now I believe in luck , but Victor and I were like rabbits . It was getting to a point where we were realizing that we were either INCREDIBLY lucky or that maybe one or both of us had infertility problems . Which , given our age , we were really fine with . So at that moment in time , I just kinda thought that I couldn 't get pregnant . A few weeks later , I was back at CSUMB . I had just started my second semester and was getting used to my classes . I was in between jobs and to make money I would babysit for the families I babysat in SJ . So , I would end up going home a lot . I would talk to Victor often and see him when ever we had the time . Around the second week of February , I realized I have had my period yet . I counted the days to make sure . " OK , well going on and off of the pills screw with your system . I 'll take a pregnancy test to make sure " The test came back false / positive , and thats when I knew . I told Victor and my roommates so they knew what was going on and I made an appointment with the school health center . When they did their test , they told me I wasn 't pregnant but to come back in a week if I haven 't had my period yet . I had a really good feeling I was pregnant . I felt different some how , but if the doctors said no then it must be no . So I continued with my life like normal . Went to school , got a new job at a Dry Cleaners in Sand City , and hung out with my friends . A week went by and nothing . I was home that weekend and my parents and Sarah were gone for most of the day . So I took this opportunity to take another pregnancy test . Now most people seem to think the most evil sign in the world is 666 , an upside down cross , or a swatzica but their wrong ; Its two bright pink lines . I had never seen that other line before , at first I was confused , but then it set in . The first thing I did was throw away the test in its own bag and threw that bag away in my trash . I called Victor and asked him if I could come over . His parents and brothers were on vacation , so he was alone in the house . The last thing I did before I left the house was take a good long look in the mirror . I was extremely pale , and thats saying something considering I 'm as white as a ghost to begin with . I seemed smaller some how and I could hear my heart beating loudly . This couldn 't be happening ; It had to be a nightmare and any minute I would wake up in my own bed . . . . . dammit . I couldn 't be a mom ! Moms are women who are normally married , have good paying jobs , and know what their doing . I had none of those things . I walked into Victor 's house , took my shoes off , and walked down the hallway to his room . He was on his computer in his room . I told him what happened , I was hysterical and talking way to fast , but he heard what I was saying . This is all he said " Fuck ! " , over and over again , for the next hour , in almost every room in the house . ( Granted , I was fully aware that our current situation sucked and wasn 't ideal , but would it have killed him to not act like the end of the world to have a kid with me ? ! ) We talked a lot and for a long time . To make a long story short ( because there was a lot involved in making this decision ) , Victor wanted to be involved with the pregnancy and baby . I agreed to look at all options with an open mind and so did he . It was our job to research our three options : abortion , adoption , and keeping the baby . I went back to the health center a few days later and they confirmed it ; I was 18 and five weeks pregnant . Victor and I talked almost everyday about our situation . About what we needed to do , at what times we would need to do those things , who we tell at this moment in time , and a bunch of other stuff . It was hard on both of us . He worries about me a lot before I was pregnant , while I was pregnant he acted like I was a fragile porcelain vase . Not only that but he had school , his parents pretty much treat him like there own personal butler , and he tutored kids as a job . Plus he couldn 't easily get to me , I was living in Monterey Bay and he was in San Jose . I had to worry about my health , my actions , school , how I would deal with my family and friends , work , and the impending doom of knowing that soon I would get fat . By the end of February we knew what we were going to do . Through a long thought process and a lot of research and yelling , we " decided " on adoption ( another story for another time ) . So there we were ; 19 , pregnant , and going to put our baby up for adoption . Totally realized that if people are going to read this , they should probably know who everyone is . So here 's a list of all of the major roles in my life . ( Remember though that the names I am giving are not their real names , as so stated in my first post . ) Jude - My son , he was born in October 2010 and happily lives with his parents in So . Cal . He is my pride and joy and I love him to death . Katie - Jude 's ( adoptive ) Mom ; she 's a lot like me , funny , nice , and honest . She is always really happy and chipper . I will always refer to her as Jude 's mom , because that is what she is . Greg - Jude 's ( adoptive ) Dad ; super funny and mega chill kind - of guy . He 's a photographer so I get awesome pictures of Jude . I will always refer to him as Jude 's dad , because that is what he is . Victor - My ex , best friend , and Jude 's biological father ; a really intelligent , nerdy , sarcastically funny / mean guy . Very few people get to know him , but when you do he can surprise you . Victor has Aspergers , its a mild form of autism . It 's not severe , but it does make certain social situations hard for him to understand . Sarah - My sister ; two words - Social Butterfly . She knows everybody and everybody knows her . In high school , I was called " Sarah 's older sister " it was never the other way around . She was the first family member that I told I was pregnant . As you will learn later , this whole experience was not easy for her , and I am so grateful for her . Beth - My mom ; I will never call my mom by her name , I will always refer to her as mom . My biggest support system next to Victor . I am so grateful for everything she has done for me over the last year . Malcolm - My stepdad ; A very intense guy . A man 's man , loves to yell . At sport games , at the TV , and at us . Generally though , he 's a decent , upstanding guy . Amber - My stepmom ; a very opinion woman . She likes things done her way or its the high way . She 's also from japan , so there is a bit of a culture difference , but she 's an amazing cook and always makes sure everything is fair . Brenna and Danny - My half brother and sister , Brenna is 12 and going threw her awkward phase and Danny is 9 and the devil . I love them both to death and don 't see them very often . By the choice of my dad and Amber , they don 't know that I was pregnant and had a baby . However , the rest of my dad 's side of the family knows including my younger cousins . I personally think that its stupid my dad and Amber try to keep it secret from as many people as they can , but whatever . There are reasons people do the things they do . Even a reason as simple as " For the hell of it " is a reason , maybe a stupid one in some cases , but still a reason . I 'm not much of a writer or a talker . My grammar is horrible ( a second grader can write a properly structured sentence better than me ) , spelling is a lost concept with the invention of spell check , and I love using slang . Despite all these things that makes writing a blog a bad idea , I still am choosing to do so . Why ? Because I need to . It 's been almost a year ago to the day that my life changed drastically . February 2010 , within the last month I had finished my first semester at CSUMB ( California State University , Monterey Bay ) and was starting my second semester , broken up with my first and only boyfriend that I 've had since 7th grade , and had lost my first real job . Oh yeah , my life was just great . The thing you need to know about my life , its loves irony and coincidence . When you think it can 't just get any worse than this , my life says " oh yes it can " and it does . So for any of you who have watched those after school specials teachers love showing , soaps , or Oprah , can you guess what life decided to throw me next ? ( If you need a hint , check the title ) Yep , mid february I found out that I was five weeks pregnant . . . . SHIT . My story in a nut shell is I adopted my baby out to a wonderful family who loves him and pretty much kisses the ground he lays on . But see here comes the flaw in our society when it comes to adoption stories ; and the adoptive parents and the baby lived happily ever after . - - - - oK , thats wonderful and great for them , but what about the birth parents ? What happened to them after the baby was born ? How did they feel during the whole process ? What 's worse is the stereotypes made about birth moms and even teenage / young mothers who keep there babies . So I 'm just going to clear things up before assumptions are made about me . I AM NOT A DRUG ATTICT , I ' M NOT A WHORE , I WAS NOT DRUNK WHEN I GOT PREGNANT , NO I ' M NOT STUPID , AND YES I KNOW WHO THE " BABY DADDY " IS . Those statements might apply to some situations , but society seems to think that one or more of those statements apply to ALL teenage girls who got pregnant . The worst one , and I have bitch fits over people who say or think this , is that people seem to think that women who give their babies up for adoption either don 't care about their babies , or don 't love them , or both . For adoptees ( people who were adopted ) who might be reading this , if you have found your birth parents and for whatever reason they don 't want to see you , know you , or whatever . I 'm am so sorry . We 're all not like that and it sounds like your better off without them anyway ( thats just my opinion ) . Giving up my son was the hardest thing I ' VE EVER HAD TO DO . I love him and care about him more than any one else in the world . He is on my mind everyday and I look at his pictures constantly . I miss him so much sometimes it physically hurts me , my stomach will start having pains or my body will start shaking like I 'm cold , its never anything serious but it still hurts . I did not take my decision lightly and I didn 't make it easily . I made it because it was the right thing to do for him , his father , and me . Now society is not all bad . I got a lot of support from family , friends , acquaintances , and outside resources . There are a lot of agencies willing to work with girls considering adoption and even if you decide not to go threw with it some will help with what you would need to keep the baby . California laws make sure that birth parents have as many rights as possible and that this decision was made with the most amount of thought possible . In the long run though , the bad is noticed more than the good . Now I 'm not saying that adoptive parents have it easy either . The government makes adoptive families jump threw flaming hoops and swim across shark infested waters before they are even considered to become parents . Some agencies have potential parents pay threw the nose for there services and thats not including all the things they might need to pay for later ( lawyer fee 's , therapy for the birth parents , " gifts " in the form of cash for the adoptive parents , etc . ) . Not only that but its an emotional roller coasters of ifs and maybes . Nothing is final until the government says so . Just because the adoptive parents take the baby home with them , does not mean the adoption is final . Adopting a baby is a long ( very long in some cases ) , stressful , and emotional process . I have a few reasons why I 'm writing this blog . One of them is to explain this side of the adoption process . The world is very pro - adoptive parents , which is not a bad thing , but it just a big disadvantage for birth parents and even adoptees . Think about this for a second , I live in San Jose , CA . Its a pretty big , well - known city and a good portion of Silicon Valley . I think a little less than one million people live here . Guess how many publicly known support groups for birth parents ; none . I 've asked the agency I first went threw , my lawyer , my OBGYN , and my therapist . Most of these people specialize in adoption some how and not one of them know where one is in San Jose . If there is one , its the best kept secret in the USA . I live in the 3rd biggest city in California and apparently I 'm the only one out a million people to give my baby up for adoption . . . How messed up is that ? ! The closes one near me is in Salinas and they meet once every two months . I go to a book store to look for books on adoption from the birth parents point of view . First of all the section on adoption consist of maybe 3 books total , and there all for adoptive parents . Granted online I had more luck online , but what if the need for information was more immediate . Hypothetical siThis brings me to reason number two . When your pregnant at 19 , or younger , or even if your just not ready to have a baby and your considering adoption ; No matter how much support you receive and no matter how many other people you may know that have been in the same situation , You Still Feel All Alone . No one could possibly fathom what your feeling , experiencing , and going threw . Its one of the worse feelings in the world . The awful truth is that no one can fix that feeling . No amount of support , love , or help will ever fix that feeling , but they help . I 'm writing this for the young girl peeing on the stick of doom , scared out of her mind . I 'm writing this for the young girl who feels the baby she 's carrying kick knowing that in a few months he will no longer legally be hers . I 'm writing this for the girl with the fresh c - section scar on her abdomen crying for her baby thats no longer hers . I 'm here . I know your pain . I 'm still living threw it everyday . I want them to know that their alone . The third and last important reason is more of a selfish reason . I really just need to do this for my self . I have so many things that need to be said . So many thoughts , feelings , and complaints . Writing this blog is helping me express everything in an environment that I ultimately control . 1 ) . I will try to be as honest as I can possibly be . I like being brutally honest , saying what is on my mind , and saying what needs to be said . If I want to have this blog help potential girls , and maybe even some birth fathers , in the same situation I need them to trust me . To trust me they need to know that my words are the truth . There is a catch however . 2 ) . I am changing the names of all the people I talk about here . My son , my ex , my friends , my son 's parents , and my family all of there names WILL be changed . Its simply because I don 't want them feeling uncomfortable and having it create drama . The weird thing about people is they love talking about other people but they hate being talked about . Not only that , but its more about respecting their boundaries . 3 ) . This is meant to be a supportive and realistic blog . Some of the things I talk about will be very upsetting , but they are part of my reality . I will also try to keep what I say about certain topics civil , but just to be warned , when I 'm pissed I say awful , awful things . You as the reader however are not allowed to have that option . If you comment on any of my post , be civil . If u cuss out or say anything mean about the people in interact with , I 'm going to have a serious problem with you . You are allowed to have an opinion about me or these people , but if you must say anything , please state it as nicely as possible . Remember this is meant to be a SUPPORTIVE and realistic blog , supportive being first . My name is S . C . L . I 'm 19 going on 20 and I 'm birth mom to the most beautiful 4 month old boy . This is my story . I 'm 24 years old . Im married to my middle school sweet heart . Im a California girl living in the Midwest . I have a Bachelors in Social Work , but no work yet . I am a birth mom and my husband is a birth dad . Together we placed a beautiful boy , named Jude , with a wonderful family . Im sarcastic , nerdy , and blunt . Fell free to ask me anything or say anything . View my complete profile |
Winner of the 2014 Hugo Award for Best Novelette . Thirty years ago , Elma York led the expedition that paved the way to life on Mars . For years she 's been longing to go back up there , to once more explore the stars . But there are few opportunities for an aging astronaut , even the famous Lady Astronaut of Mars . When her chance finally comes , it may be too late . Elma must decide whether to stay with her sickening husband in what will surely be the final years of his life , or to have her final adventure and plunge deeper into the well of space . She would have been a little girl and , oh lord , there were so many little kids hanging around outside the Fence watching us work . The little girls all wanted to talk to the Lady Astronaut . To me . I 'm sure I spoke to Dorothy because know I stopped and talked to them every day on my way in and out through the Fence about what it was like . It being Mars . There was nothing else it could be . Mars consumed everyone 's conversations . The programmers sitting over their punchcards . The punchcard girls keying in the endless lines of code . The cafeteria ladies ladling out mashed potatoes and green peas . Nathaniel with his calculations … Everyone talked about Mars . So the fact that I didn 't remember a little girl who said I talked to her about Mars … Well . That 's not surprising , is it ? I tried not to let the confusion show in my face but I know she saw it . By this point , Dorothy was my doctor . Let me be more specific . She was the geriatric specialist who was evaluating me . On Mars . I was in for what I thought was a routine check - up to make sure I was still fit to be an astronaut . NASA liked to update its database periodically and I liked to be in that database . Not that I 'd flown since I turned fifty , but I kept my name on the list in the faint hope that they would let me back into space again , and I kept going to the darn check - ups . She fumbled with the clipboard and cleared her throat . A flush of red colored her cheeks and made her eyes even more blue . " Sorry . Dr . York , I shouldn 't have mentioned it . " " Don 't ' doctor ' me . You 're the doctor . I 'm just a space jockey . Call me Elma . " I waved my hand to calm her down . The flesh under my arm jiggled and I dropped my hand . I hate that feeling and hospital gowns just make it worse . " I 'm glad you did . You just took me by surprise , is all . Last I saw you , weren 't you knee - high to a grasshopper ? " " So you do remember me ? " Oh , that hope . She 'd come to Mars because of me . I could see that , clear as anything . Something I 'd said or done back in 1952 had brought this girl out to the colony . " Of course , I remember you . Didn 't we talk every time I went through that Fence ? Except school days , of course . " It seemed a safe bet . I used to make paper eagles out of old punchcards while I was waiting for Nathaniel . His programs could take hours to run and he liked to baby sit them . The eagles were cut paper things with layers of cards pasted together to make a three dimensional bird . It was usually in flight and I liked to hang them in the window , where the holes from the punch cards would let specks of light through and make the bird seem like it was sparkling . They would take me two or three days to make . You 'd think I would remember giving one to a little girl beyond the Fence . " Did you bring it out here with you ? " " It 's in my office . " She stood as if she 'd been waiting for me to ask that since our first session , then looked down at the clipboard in her hands , frowning . " We should finish your tests . " " Fine by me . Putting them off isn 't going to make me any more eager . " I held out my arm with the wrist up so she could take my pulse . By this point , I knew the drill . " How 's your Uncle ? " I swallowed , sick at my lack of memory . So she was THAT little girl . She 'd told me all the things I needed and my old brain was just too addled to put the pieces together . I wondered if she would make a note of that and if it would keep me grounded . Dorothy had lived on a farm in the middle of the Kansas prairie with her Uncle Henry and Aunt Em . When Orion 27 came down in a ball of fire , it was the middle of a drought . The largest pieces of it had landed on a farm . I 'd seen her before , but in that way you see the same people every day without noticing them . Even then , with someone pointing to her , she didn 't stand out from the crowd . Looking at her , there was nothing to know that she 'd just lived through a tragedy . I reckon it hadn 't hit her yet . I had stepped away from the entourage of reporters and consultants that followed me and walked up to her . She had tilted her head back to look up at me . I used to be a tall woman , you know . She had cocked her head to the side , as if she were considering . I can 't remember what she said back . I know she must have said something . I know we must have talked longer because I gave her that darned eagle , but what we said … I couldn 't pull it up out of my brain . The shape of her eyes was the same , but that was about it . The soft roundness of her cheeks was long gone , leaving high cheekbones and a jaw that came to too sharp of a point for beauty . She had a faint white scar just above her left eyebrow . " About the same . " I slid away from the subject even though , as his doctor , she had the right to ask , and I squinted at her height . " How old were you when you came here ? " Startled , she shook her head . " Oh , no . Mom and Dad . We were supposed to be on the first colony ship but a logging truck lost its load . " Aghast , I could only stare at her . If they were supposed to have been on the first colony ship , then her parents could not have died long before Orion 27 crashed . I wet my lips . " Where did you go after your aunt and uncle 's ? " " Well , hey , Miss Elma . We 're having a real good day , aren 't we , Mr . Nathaniel ? " Her smile could have lit a hangar , it was so bright . " That we are . " Nathaniel sounded hale and hearty , if I didn 't look at him . " Genevieve taught me a new joke . How 's it go ? " Nathaniel laughed , and there was only a little bit of a wheeze . I slid my shoes off in the dustroom to keep out the ever present Martian grit , and came into the kitchen to lean against the bedroom door . Time was , it used to be his office but we needed a bedroom on the ground floor . " That 's a pretty good one . " He sat on a towel at the edge of the bed as Genevieve washed him . With his shirt off , the ribs were starkly visible under his skin . Each bone in his arms poked at the surface and slid under the slack flesh . His hands shook , even just resting beside him on the bed . He grinned at me . The same grin . The same bright blue eyes that had flashed over the punchcards as he 'd worked out the plans for the launch . It was as though someone had pasted his features onto the body of a stranger . " How 'd the doctor 's visit go ? " " Is that right ? " Genevieve wrung the sponge out in the wash basin . " Doesn 't that just go to show that it 's a small solar system ? " Nathaniel dipped his head , hiding those beautiful eyes , as I drew a sleeve up over one arm . He favored flannel now . He 'd always hated it in the past . Preferred starched white shirts and a nice tie to work in , and a short sleeved aloha shirt on his days off . At first , I thought that the flannel was because he was cold all the time . Later I realized that the thicker fabric hid some of his frailty . Leaning behind him to pull the shirt around his back , I could count vertebra in his spine . He winced . Even after all these years , Nathaniel still felt responsible . He had not programmed the rocket . They 'd asked him to , but he 'd been too busy with the First Mars Expedition and turned the assignment down . It was just a supply rocket for the moon , and there had been no reason to think it needed anything special . I buttoned the shirt under his chin . The soft wattle of skin hanging from his jaw brushed the back of my hand . " I think she was too shy to mention it at my last visit . " A bubble of adrenalin made my heart skip . Sheldon Spender called . The director of operations at the Bradbury Space Center on Mars had not called since - No , that wasn 't true . He hadn 't called me in years , using silence to let me know I wasn 't flying anymore . Nathaniel still got called for work . Becoming old didn 't stop a programmer from working , but it sure as heck stopped an astronaut from flying . And yet I still had that moment of hope every single time Sheldon called , that this time it would be for me . I smoothed the flannel over Nathaniel 's shoulders . " Do they have a new project for you ? " Genevieve breezed back into the room , a bubble of idle chatter preceding her . Something about her cousin and meeting their neighbors on Venus . I stood up and let her finish getting Nathaniel dressed while I went into the kitchen . Sheldon had called for me ? I picked up the note on the counter . It just had Genevieve 's round handwriting and a request to meet for lunch . The location told me a lot though . He 'd picked a bar next to the space center that no one in the industry went to because it was thronged with tourists . It was a good place to talk business without talking business . For the life of me I couldn 't figure out what he wanted . I kept chewing on that question , right till the point when I stepped through the doors of Yuri 's Spot . The walls were crowded with memorabilia and signed photos of astronauts . An early publicity still that showed me perched on the edge of Nathaniel 's desk , hung in the corner next to a dusty ficus tree . My hair fell in perfect soft curls despite the flight suit I had on . My hair would never have survived like that if I 'd actually been working . I tended to keep it out of the way in a kerchief , but that wasn 't the image publicity had wanted . Sheldon nodded and gestured to a corner booth , leading me past a family with five kids who had clearly come from the Space Center . The youngest girl had her nose buried in a picture book of the early space program . None of them noticed me . It was like he wanted to see how long it would take me to crack and ask him what he was up to . It took me awhile to realize that he kept bringing the conversation back to Nathaniel . Was he in pain ? Even , " How are you holding up ? " was about him . I didn 't get it until Sheldon paused and pushed his rabbit burger aside , half - eaten , and asked point - blank . " Have they given him a date yet ? " A date . There was only one date that mattered in a string of other milestones on the path to death but I pretended he wasn 't being clear , just to make him hurt a little . " You mean for paralyzation , hospice , or death ? " " We think he 's got about a year . " I kept my face calm , the way you do when you 're talking to Mission Control about a flight that 's set to abort . The worse it got , the more even my voice became . " He can still work , if that 's what you 're asking . " " It 's not . " Sheldon broke his gaze then , to my surprise , and looked down at his ice water , spinning the glass in its circle of condensation . " What I need to know is if you can still work . " In my intake of breath , I wanted to say that God , yes , I could work and that I would do anything he asked of me if he 'd put me back into space . In my exhale , I thought of Nathaniel . I could not say yes . " That 's why you asked for the physical . " Back into space ? My god , yes . But I couldn 't . I couldn 't . I - that was why he wanted to know when my husband was going to die . I swallowed everything before speaking . My voice was passive . " I 'm sixty - three . " Which was my way of asking why he wanted me to go . That long in space ? It doesn 't matter how much shielding you have against radiation , it 's going to affect you . The chances of developing cancer within the next fifteen years were huge . You can 't ask a young astronaut to do that . " I see . " " We have the resources to send a small craft there . It can 't be unmanned because the programming is too complicated . I need an astronaut who can fit in the capsule . " " No . " He grimaced . " PR tells me that I need an astronaut that the public will adore so that when we finally tell them that we 've sent you , they will forgive us for hiding the mission from them . " Sheldon cleared his throat and started briefing me on the Longevity Mission . There 's a habitable planet . An extrasolar one and it 's only few light years away . They 've got a slingshot that can launch a ship up to near light speed . A small ship . Big enough for one person . But that isn 't what makes the Longevity mission possible . That is the tesseract field . We can 't go faster than light , but we can cut corners through the universe . The physicists described it to me like a subway tunnel . The tessaract will bend space and allow a ship to go to the next subway station . The only trick is that you need to get far enough away from a planet before you can bend space and … this is the harder part … you need a tesseract field at the other end . Once that 's up , you just need to get into orbit and the trip from Mars to LS - 579 can be as short as three weeks . So different from when the First Mars Expedition had happened . An asteroid had slammed into Washington D . C . and obliterated the capitol . It made the entire world realize how fragile our hold on Earth was . Nations banded together and when the Secretary of Agriculture , who found himself president through the line of succession , said that we needed to get off the planet , people listened . We rose to the stars . The potential loss of an astronaut was just part of the risk . Now ? Now it has been long enough that people are starting to forget that the danger is still there . That the need to explore is necessary . Then I closed my eyes and realized that I had to say no . It didn 't matter how I felt about the trip or the chance to get back into space . The launch date he was talking about meant I 'd have to go into training now . " I can 't . " I opened my eyes and stared at the wall where the publicity still of me and Nathaniel hung . " I have to turn it down . " I left Sheldon feeling more unsettled than I wanted to admit at the time . I stared out the window of the light rail , at the sepia sky . Rose tones were deepening near the horizon with sunset . It was dimmer and ruddier here , but with the dust , sunset could be just as glorious as on Earth . It 's a hard thing to look at something you want and to know that the right choice is to turn it down . Understand me : I wanted to go . Another opportunity like this would never come up for me . I was too old for normal missions . I knew it . Sheldon knew it . And Nathaniel would know it , too . I wish he had been in some other industry so I could lie and talk about " later . " He knew the space program too well to be fooled . That 's the thing that I think none of us were prepared for in coming to Mars . The natural night sky on Mars is spectacular , because the atmosphere is so thin . But where humans live , under the dome , all you can see are the lights of the town reflecting against the dark curve . You can almost believe that they 're stars . Almost . If you don 't know what you are missing or don 't remember the way the sky looked at night on Earth before the asteroid hit . I wonder if Dorothy remembers the stars . She 's young enough that she might not . Children on Earth still look at clouds of dust and stars are just a myth . God . What a bleak sky . When I got home , Genevieve greeted me with her usual friendly chatter . Nathaniel looked like he wanted to push her out of the house so he could quiz me . I know Genevieve said good bye , and that we chatted , but the details have vanished now . What I remember next is the rattle and thump of Nathaniel 's walker as he pushed it into the kitchen . It slid forward . Stopped . He took two steps , steadied himself , and slid it forward again . Two steps . Steady . Slide . " Sit down , Elma . " He clenched the walker till the tendons stood out on the back of his hands , but they still trembled . " Tell me about the mission . " " I … All right . " I pulled the tall stool out for him and waited until he eased onto it . Then I told him . He stared at the ceiling the whole time I talked . I spent the time watching him and memorizing the line of his cheek , and the shape of the small mole by the corner of his mouth . Nathaniel snorted . " I called Dr . Williams while you were out , figuring it would be something like this . I asked for a date when we could get hospice . " He held up his hand to stop the words forming on my lips . " She 's not willing to tell me that . She did give me the date when the paralysis is likely to become total . Three months . Give or take a week . " " They can what ? Wait for me to die ? Jesus Christ , Elma . We know that 's coming . " He scowled at the floor . " Go . For the love of God , just take the mission . " I wanted to . I wanted to get off the planet and back into space and not have to watch him die . Not have to watch him lose control of his body piece by piece . One of my favorite restaurants in Landing was Elmore 's . The New Orleans style cafe sat tucked back behind Thompson 's Grocers on a little rise that lifted the dining room just high enough to see out to the edge of town and the dome 's wall . They had a crawfish étouffée that would make you think you were back on Earth . The crawfish were raised in a tank and a little bigger than the ones I 'd grown up with , but the spices came all the way from Louisiana on the mail runs twice a year . Sheldon Spender knew it was my favorite and was taking ruthless advantage of that . And yet I came anyway . He sat across the table from me , with his back to the picture window that framed the view . His thinning hair was almost invisible against the sky . He didn 't say a word . Just watched me , as the fellow to my right talked . Garrett Biggs . I 'd seen him at the Bradbury Space Center , but we 'd exchanged maybe five words before today . My work was mostly done before his time . They just trotted me out for the occasional holiday . Now , the man would not stop talking . He gestured with his fork as he spoke , punctuating the phrases he thought I needed to hear most . " Need some photos of you so we can exploit - I know it sounds ugly but we 're all friends here , right ? We can be honest , right ? So , we can exploit your sacrifice to get the public really behind the Longevity mission . " I watched the lettuce tremble on the end of his fork . It was pallid compared to my memory of lettuce on Earth . " I thought the public didn 't know about the mission . " " They will . That 's the key . Someone will leak it and we need to be ready . " He waved the lettuce at me . " And that 's why you are a brilliant choice for pilot . Octogenarian Grandmother Paves Way for Humanity . " How can I explain the degree to which I resented being used for publicity ? This wasn 't a new thing by a long shot . My entire career has been about exploitation for publicity . I had known it , and exploited it too , once I 'd realized the power of having my uniform tailored to show my shape a little more clearly . You think they would have sent me to Mars if it weren 't intended to be a colony ? I was there to show all the lady housewives that they could go to space too . Posing in my flight suit , with my lips painted red , I had smiled at more cameras than my colleagues . " I 'm honest . To you . If you were the public , I 'd have you spinning so fast you 'd generate your own gravity . " Sheldon cleared his throat . " Elma , the fact is that we 're getting some pressure from a group of senators . They want to cut the budget for the project and we need to take steps or it won 't happen . " " The usual nonsense . People arguing that if we just wait , then ships will become fast enough to render the mission pointless . That includes a couple of serious misunderstandings of physics , but , be that as it may … " Sheldon paused and tilted his head , looking at me . He changed what he was about to say and leaned forward . " Is Nathaniel worse ? " He winced at the edge in my voice . " I 'm sorry . I know I strong - armed you into it , but I can find someone else . " " He thinks I should go . " My chest hurt even considering it . But I couldn 't stop thinking about the mission . " He knows it 's the only way I 'll get back into space . " I woke out of half - sleep , aware that I must have heard Nathaniel 's bell , without being able to actually recall it . I pulled myself to my feet , putting a hand against the nightstand until I was steady . My right hip had stiffened again in the night . Arthritis is not something I approve of . Turning on the hall light , I made my way down the stairs . The door at the bottom stood open so I could hear Nathaniel if he called . I couldn 't sleep with him anymore , for fear of breaking him . I went through into his room . It was full of grey shadows and the dark rectangle of his bed . In one corner , the silver arm of his walker caught the light . Every night we followed the same ritual and even though I knew the light would be painfully bright , I still winced as it came on . Squinting against the glare , I threw the covers back for him . The weight of them trapped him sometimes . He held his hands up , waiting for me to take them . I braced myself and let Nathaniel pull himself into a sitting position . On Earth , he 'd have been bed - ridden long since . Of course , on Earth , his bone density would probably not have deteriorated so fast . As gently as I could , I swung his legs to the side of the bed . Even allowing for the gravity , I was appalled anew by how light he was . His legs were like kindling wrapped in tissue . Where his pajamas had ridden up , purple bruises mottled his calf . As soon as he was sitting up on the edge of the bed , I gave him the walker . He wrapped his shaking hands around the bars and tried to stand . He rose only a little before dropping back to the bed . I stayed where I was , though I ached to help . He sometimes took more than one try to stand at night , and didn 't want help . Not until it became absolutely necessary . Even then , he wouldn 't want it . I just hoped he 'd let me help him when we got to that point . I followed him to the bathroom in case he lost his balance in there , which he did sometimes . The first time , I hadn 't been home . We had hired Genevieve not long after that to sit with him when I needed to be out . He shook his head and started again , moving faster . " I 'm not - " He leaned forward , clenching his jaw . " I can 't - " " I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry . " He pushed the walker forward , head hanging . A trail of damp footsteps followed him . The ammonia stink of urine joined the scent of his bowels . I helped him lower his pajamas . The weight of them had made them sag on his hips . Dark streaks ran down his legs and dripped onto the bathmat . I eased him onto the toilet . I remember wetting a washcloth and running it over his legs . I know that I must have tossed his soiled pajamas into the cleaner , and that I wiped up the floor , but those details have mercifully vanished . But what I can 't forget , and I wish to God that I could , is Nathaniel sitting there crying . I asked Genevieve to bring adult diapers to us the next day . The strange thing was how familiar the package felt . I 'd used them on launches when we had to sit in the capsule for hours and there was no option to get out of our space suit . It 's one of the many glamorous details of being an astronaut that the publicity department does not share with the public . There is a difference , however , from being required to wear one for work and what Nathaniel faced . He could not put them on by himself without losing his balance . Every time I had to change the diaper , he stared at the wall with his face slack and hopeless . Nathaniel and I 'd made the decision not to have children . They aren 't conducive to a life in space , you know ? I mean there 's the radiation , and the weightlessness , but more it was that I was gone all the time . I couldn 't give up the stars … but I found myself wishing that we hadn 't made that decision . Part of it was wishing that I had some connection to the next generation . More of it was wanting someone to share the burden of decision with me . In the afternoon , we were sitting in the living room , pretending to work . Nathaniel sat with his pencil poised over the paper and stared out the window as though he were working . I 'm pretty sure he wasn 't but I gave him what privacy I could and started on one of my eagles . The phone rang and gave us both something of a relief , I think , to have a distraction . The phone sat on a table by Nathaniel 's chair so he could reach it easily if I weren 't in the room . With my eyes averted , his voice sounded as strong as ever as he answered . " Of course I 've got a few minutes . I have nothing but time these days . " He ran his hand through his hair and let it rest at the back of his neck . " I find it hard to believe that you don 't have programmers on staff who can 't handle this . " He was quiet then as Sheldon spoke , I could hear only the distorted tinny sound of his voice rising and falling . At a certain point , Nathaniel picked up his pencil again and started making notes . Whatever Sheldon was asking him to do , that was the moment when Nathaniel decided to say " yes . " I set my eagle aside and went into the kitchen . My first reaction - God . It shames me but my first reaction was anger . How dare he ? How dare he take a job without consulting with me when I was turning down this thing I so desperately wanted because of him . I had the urge to snatch up the phone and tell Sheldon that I would go . Nathaniel had been urging me to go . No deliberate action of his was keeping me from accepting . Only my own upbringing and loyalty and … and I loved him . If I did not want to be alone after he passed , how could I leave him to face the end alone ? I heard the conversation end and Nathaniel hung up the phone . I filled a glass with water to give myself an excuse for lingering in the kitchen . I carried it back into the living room and sat down on the couch . I settled in my chair and fidgeted with the wedding band on my finger . It had gotten loose in the last year . " I 'm going to turn them down . " " What - But , Elma . " His gaze flattened and he gave me a small frown . " Are you … are you sure it 's not depression ? That 's making you want to stay , I mean . " " Please . " He ran his hands through his hair and knit them together at the back of his neck . " I want you to go so you won 't be here when … It 's just going to get worse from here . " The devil of it was that he wasn 't wrong . That didn 't mean he was right , either , but I couldn 't flat out tell him he was wrong . I set down my scissors and pushed the magnifier out of the way . " It 's not just depression . " " I don 't understand . There 's a chance to go back into space . " He dropped his hands and sat forward . " I mean … If I die before the mission leaves and you 're grounded here . How would you feel ? " I looked away . My gaze was pointed to the window and the view of the house across the lane . But I did not see the windows or the red brick walls . All I saw was a black and grey cloth made of despair . " I had a life that I enjoyed before this opportunity came up . There 's no reason I shouldn 't keep on enjoying it . I enjoy teaching . There are a hundred reasons to enjoy life here . " The answer to that was not easy . Because I wanted to be in the sky , weightless , and watching the impossibly bright stars . Because I didn 't want to watch Nathaniel die . " What did Sheldon ask you to do ? " " I imagine they do . " I twisted that wedding band around as if it were a control that I could use . " I would … I would hate … As much as I miss being in space , I would hate myself if I left you here . To have and to hold , in sickness and in health . Till death do us part and all that . I just can 't . " " Well … just don 't tell him no . Not yet . Let me talk to Dr . Williams and see if she can give us a clearer date . Maybe there won 't be a schedule conflict after al - " " Stop it ! Just stop . This is my decision . I 'm the one who has to live with the consequences . Not you . So , stop trying to put your guilt off onto me because the devil of it is , one of us is going to feel guilty here , but I 'm the one who will have to live with it . " Dorothy came not long after that . To say that I was flummoxed when I opened the door wouldn 't do justice to my surprise . She had her medical bag with her and I think that 's the only thing that gave me the power of speech . " Since when do you make house calls ? " " I 'm sorry . Mr . Spender asked me to come out . He thought you 'd be more comfortable if I stayed with Mr . York while you were gone . " She shucked off her shoes in the dust room . The rattle and thump of Nathaniel 's walker started . I abandoned Dorothy and ran through the kitchen . He shouldn 't be getting up without me . If he lost his balance again - What ? It might kill him if he fell ? Or it might not kill him fast enough so that his last days were in even more pain . She nodded and I could see the little girl she had been in the shyness of it . She lifted her medical bag to the kitchen table and pulled out a battered shoe box of the sort that we don 't see up here much . No sense sending up packaging when it just takes up room on the rocket . She lifted the lid off and pulled out tissue that had once been pink and had faded to almost white . Unwrapping it , she pulled out my eagle . It 's strange seeing something that you made that long ago . This one was in flight , but had its head turned to the side as though it were looking back over its shoulder . It had an egg clutched in its talons . Symbolism a little blunt , but clear . Seeing it I remembered when I had made it . I remembered the conversation that I had had with Dorothy when she was a little girl . I picked it up , turning it over in my hands . The edges of the paper had become soft with handling over the years so it felt more like corduroy than cardstock . Some of the smaller feathers were torn loose showing that this had been much - loved . The fact that so few were missing said more , about the place it had held for Dorothy . What she could not have known - what she likely still did not know , was that I had just come from a conversation with Nathaniel when we decided that we would not have children . It had been a long discussion over the course of two years and it did not rest easy on me . I was still grieving for the choice , even though I knew it was the right one . The radiation , the travel … the stars were always going to call me and I could ask him to be patient with that , but it was not fair to a child . We had talked and talked and I had built that eagle while I tried to grapple with the conflicts between my desires . I made the eagle looking back , holding an egg , at the choices behind it . And when Dorothy had asked me if I would have kids on Mars , I put the regulation smile on , the one you learn to give while wearing 160 pounds of space suit in Earth gravity while a photographer takes just one more photo . I 've learned to smile through pain , thank you . " Yes , honey . Every child born on Mars will be there because of me . " The child of tragedy , the double - orphan . I had knelt in front of her and pulled the eagle out of my bag . " Those most of all . " Standing in my kitchen , I lifted my head to look at Nathaniel . His eyes were bright . It took a try or two before I could find my voice again . " Did you know ? Did you know which one she had ? " " I guessed . " He pushed into the kitchen , the walker sliding and rattling until he stood next to me . " The thing is , Elma , I 'm going to be gone in a year either way . We decided not to have children because of your career . " " I know . " He raised a hand off the walker and put it on my arm . " I 'm not saying we didn 't . What I 'm asking is that you make this career decision for me . I want you to go . " " You won 't . Not completely . " He gave a sideways grin and I could see the young man he 'd been . " My program will be flying with you . " I looked away and caught Dorothy staring at us with a look of both wonder and horror on her face . She blushed when I met her gaze . " I 'll stay with him . " Dorothy lived in the middle of the great Mars plains in the home of Elma , who was an astronaut , and Nathaniel , who was an astronaut 's husband . I live in the middle of space in a tiny capsule filled with punchcards and magnetic tape . I am not alone , though someone who doesn 't know me might think I appear to be . All comments must meet the community standards outlined in Tor . com 's Moderation Policy or be subject to moderation . Thank you for keeping the discussion , and our community , civil and respectful . Name Email Comment |
Category : Fiction The Ex - Chronicles : Part Five , Moving Day ( His ) November 3 , 2014November 9 , 20141 Comment He moved out today . Completely . There are a few clothes still hanging in the closet , and he forgot his dartboard that we never used . Every time I think it 's over . Every time I think I am beginning to heal . He manages to prove me wrong . His things were already absent when I got home from work . He helped me unroll my new mattress , fresh from the box . The frame won 't be in until next week . I bought some sheets on clearance at work . They 're hot pink . The room actually doesn 't look that much different . Most of the stuff in it is mine anyway . And yet , I feel empty . I stand across the room from him , and every fiber within me aches to hold him close . To feel his heartbeat against my ear , his beard grazing the top of my head . I want to scream at him ; beg him not to go ; demand to know why he doesn 't love me anymore . My throat closes on the words . So many words of longing , sorrow , loss . Love . Why do I still love him ? How can I after all this ? Is this what they mean by unconditional ? " Do you mind if I keep my key so I can still come over to take care of the dog ? " He asks . The key . It is as if this simple phrase unlocks the dam of words jammed in my throat . " Well , she 'll have to be . The dog can 't stay here . " I am suddenly insistent . If the dog stays , this move will mean nothing . He will still be here in a sense . I know I will be moving out soon , but if he is truly going , everything must be gone . I love that dog to pieces , but she isn 't mine . She has always been his . He has to take everything or I will fall apart . " Ok , fine . " I can see that he doesn 't understand . I can 't explain it to him . Not without telling him how much this is killing me . The thought brings tears , and I try to blink them away . I can 't cry in front of him . Not now . Not again . And now , my cheeks are wet . " Of course I 'm not ok , " I sniffle . " This sucks . Some small part of me has been wishing and hoping that you would realize what a terrible mistake you 're making . That you would come home . Not back to our relationship . We can 't do that . But that you wouldn 't leave me so completely alone . And now , I can 't pretend anymore . All I want is to tell you not to go , but I know you won 't listen . You don 't even care . This doesn 't bother you at all ! " " After everything you have done to me , I still love you , " I say . It is like the words are forcing their way through my trembling lips . I don 't want to tell him any of this , but I can 't stop . " I miss you . I still have so much : my friends , my job , school . I have a lot going for me . But there 's this giant hole where you used to be , and for you , it 's barely a blip . Why is it so hard to say that you miss me , too ? " " I do miss it , " he says . Not that he misses me . He misses it . " I miss the times we had together and the life we shared . But I 'm moving on . I can 't sit around and mope . It isn 't healthy for me right now . " " Wait , Brad , please wait . " He pauses . I can 't let him leave on a note like that . I can 't have the last time he walks out of our bedroom be with angry thoughts . " I 'm not mad at you , " he says , closing the door again . " I haven 't been mad at you at any time during this whole thing . You haven 't done anything wrong . I want us to be friends again someday . " He crosses the few feet to me . This whole time , the room has felt like a chasm stretched between us . An uncrossable barrier . But as I collapse into his arms , his thumb rubbing small circles on my lower back , a tightness loosens in my chest . For that brief moment , it 's like I can finally breathe again . I stand there in the middle of my bedroom , hugging myself as I listen to him going in and out , moving the dog 's things across the walkway . Each slam of the door is a reminder that soon , very soon , it will be the last time he will come in here . The sounds finally stop . I am alone . I sink down onto my new memory foam mattress . It feels so close to the ground , but it is extremely comfortable . I look around my room . My space . I have to find a new apartment soon . Even without him , the memories remain . The Ex - Chronicles : Part Four , The Perils of Dating a Drama Queen October 23 , 2014Leave a comment If only endings were as neat as I tried to make it in the last two posts . But my ex continues to surprise me with his high - dive leap into insanity . There were things that I wanted to leave out of this narrative . Minutiae that I did not want to believe could possibly be true and thus was not worth putting into the world . I still have no intention of bad - mouthing anyone in this situation . However , the increased level of drama demands to be recorded for my three readers ( But really for myself ) . I have listened to Sean telling me about Noel and Brad before . I have ignored it as his jealousy over his friend remaining friends with his former fiancé despite the obvious seeming impropriety of that action ( not to mention sleeping on her couch every other night ) . I did not believe that there could really be a relationship going on between them . Brad has reassured me that he knows she is unsuitable for a relationship and that he has no interest in her in that way . He is just friends with her and can I please stop acting like a jealous ex and let him have his friends ? " Yeah , Brad still hasn 't said anything about actually finding a place . I don 't think he actually wants to leave , " my roommate says . We are watching Netflix in the living room with Sean . This is an almost nightly occurrence now . We seem to be huddling together for comfort around the warm fire of whatever show can play in the background without being distracting but still holding our attention during conversation lulls . It helps that when we can manage to get off the subject of Brad ( for me ) and Noel ( for Sean ) we have wonderfully verbose conversations ranging from sex to prisms to Chicago . Unfortunately , at the moment we are stuck on Brad . " No , that would require actual change , " I say . " It 's too much work . He can 't commit to anything . " There is a pause before Sean , looking uncomfortable now , begins to speak . " Yes , I think he would , " I mumble . " After all , no one else wants to live with him . All that talk about wanting something new is really just bullshit . He wants something new in the sense that he needs to surround himself with people who he feels superior to . She fits the bill because she 's a nutcase . Sorry , Sean . " " You don 't have to apologize to me . I know that bitch is crazy , " he says . " I wasted five years of my life on her . But I don 't think you guys should let this get to you . He 's trying to destroy his life , and so is she , so let them be miserable together . " " What happened to knocking his teeth in if you ever found out they were screwing ? " I ask with an arched brow . I still find the image amusing , though impractical and pointless . " What are we going to do ? " I ask my roommate . I feel tears forming in my lashes . I haven 't cried in a few days , so I have finally decided to wear makeup again . My mascara is going to be everywhere . This sucks . " I can 't keep living here if he moves in with her . It 's just across the walkway . I can 't do it . " We somehow work our way back to mundane topics , but my evening is shattered . I have to work at 7 in the morning . I can 't stay up all night staring at my computer like a zombie . I have things . I have stuff . The Ex - Chronicles : Part Three , The End . ( For Real ) October 20 , 2014October 18 , 2014Leave a comment This is the story of what actually happened when my ex and I talked . He is really leaving this time . I 'm sorry cohabiting couldn 't work out , and I will miss him . But I have been missing him for two weeks , and it will be easier to forget how in love with him I used to be if he is not constantly around . He needs to work on himself , and so do I . It was a pretty dream ; kind of like our relationship . My heart throbs in my chest all day , and a ball of anxiety forms in my stomach . It is like having a continual flashback to the day Brad broke up with me two weeks ago . I can feel that something monumental is going to happen after I get home from work . He spent the previous night with his family in our hometown so he could think away from our apartment complex . The erratic beat of my heart tells me his decision , but my ever fanciful mind plays through hopeless scenarios of him telling me he loves me after all . I try to squish all thoughts , but it 's like playing whack - a - mole with a tinker toy mallet . No one is at home when I arrive . I spend the next several hours doing homework , taking the dog for a walk , and reading Shakespeare . I decide to watch the second season of American Horror Story . I 'm not sure where the idea comes from , but it turns out to be a terrible idea . I have lived with PTSD for years now due to childhood abuse . I have mostly learned how to successfully handle it , but my emotions are compromised after two weeks of hopscotching wildly . I have the worst attack in over a year . And now , there is no one nearby to help me handle it . I end up on the balcony , rocking back and forth . That 's how my roommate and Sean find me . They both hug me , and then we all go out for sushi . Brad comes home from work half an hour after we return . I have been sitting on the balcony again . It was something we always did together , and I am beginning to find a strange solace in doing it alone . He joins me after taking the dog out . " I figured since it took you so long to get home , " I reply . The word ' home ' just slips off my tongue though it really isn 't his home anymore . " So what did you want to talk about ? " " Really ? I thought maybe you guys wouldn 't want to stay here , either . I 'm willing to pay any fees for breaking the lease . " " We both like it here . You 're the one who wants to leave . And I think it 's better for you if you do . You aren 't happy here . " " Of course . " It 's the best hug I 've had this entire time . So many people have offered their arms or shoulder for me to hang on to , but there is still nothing to compare to the feeling of his body wrapped around mine . And yet , there 's something different . It isn 't the need - filling thing I expected after so long ( okay , two weeks ) without his warmth . Still , it is somehow more perfect because it is a hug from my best friend . It is a body I know very well , and it is the one hug I have needed for this whole ordeal . He is still sleeping on couches for now . I don 't know how long it will take him to find a place . But this time , I actually believe we can be just friends . And I hope that he will find what he needs living alone . I still love him , but I don 't need him anymore . The Ex - Chronicles : Part Three , The End ? October 19 , 2014October 19 , 2014Leave a comment I wrote this after receiving a text that my ex wanted to talk after a weird night where I truly worried for his sanity while he went to stay with his family to clear his head . This is how I imagined the situation happened . Tomorrow , I will post what actually happened . My heart throbs in my chest all day , and a ball of anxiety forms in my stomach . It is like having a continual flashback to the day Brad broke up with me two weeks ago . I can feel that something monumental is going to happen after I get home from work . He spent the previous night with his family in our hometown so he could think away from our apartment complex . The erratic beat of my heart tells me his decision , but my ever fanciful mind plays through hopeless scenarios of him telling me he loves me after all . I try to squish all thoughts , but it 's like playing whack - a - mole with a tinker toy mallet . " I know , " I say with a sigh . I sink down onto the bed next to him . I am moderately surprised that he does not move further away . " You 're doing what you need to do for you . " " Are you kidding ? Of course I 'm not ok with it . I 'm devastated that I 'm losing you completely , even as a friend . " He draws away slightly , and I take a deep breath before continuing . " But , I have talked about it with our roommate , and we both knew this was going to happen . We just didn 't know how soon . " " Don 't be , " I start to say . He gives me a quizzical look . " Okay , do be sorry . But don 't dwell on it . We will be fine . I 'm honestly more worried about you . I 've been having some trouble realizing that this whole breakup really isn 't about me . I 've been selfish . I wanted you to come back because it would be better for me , but I realize now that it wouldn 't be better for you . " What comes after that is a blur . In the end , I am left sitting alone on the bed that will be leaving with him . I need to find a new mattress to put on the floor or something . This brief experiment has failed miserably . Maybe it really is impossible to live with your ex . I hoped to be an example of friendship overcoming love in cohabitation , but I have failed . I don 't cry this time . My heart feels like it has been annihilated for the third time in two weeks , but I don 't cry . I have a sweater to finish . I have an essay due in three days . I have French homework . I have to work in the morning . I have things . I have me . I am so much luckier than my ex . But that last thought , doesn 't give me any comfort now . I still care for him too much , and I can only hope for the best for him . I hope he starts to like himself again . I hope he is able to make himself happy , because no one else can . I am sad that I couldn 't , but I hope eventually he can do that for himself . I guess I really do love him . The Ex - Chronicles : Part Two , Worry About You October 17 , 2014October 19 , 2014Leave a comment I sit on the balcony alone with my fourth glass of wine . I have three conversations going on Facebook messenger and two more via text . All five are with people that I have not spoken to in at least a year . Most are halfway across the country from me . I have let so many people slip out of my life . I am desperately trying to reclaim lost connections . I am so terribly lonely . " Only if we can go inside , " he says . He settles into the recliner , and I take the couch . " I was just going to head to bed , but you looked like you really need to talk . " " Jess , stop . " He says . " You have got to quit worrying about him . Worry about you . Do what makes you happy . I 've been getting a lot of advice from people lately , trying to help me get over the whole Noel thing , and that 's probably the best bit I 've picked up so far . You three are all worrying about each other too much . You can 't move on if you don 't stop caring what he 's doing . " " I 'm not so sure that I want to move on , " I whisper . " But at the same time , I know I really can 't think like that . Not if this living situation is actually going to work out . " " You actually think this is going to work anyway ? He 's not going to stay . He 's going to end up letting both you and your roommate think that he will , and then he 's going to run away like a little bitch and leave you two stranded . You might as well beat him to it and tell him to move out . " I sip my wine and stare into space while he continues like this for a bit . So many thoughts are running through my head . I have been so focused on making this work for everyone that I seem to have forgotten one of the awful traits of my ex . He is selfish to his very core . I wish some of that rubbed off on me from our time together . It would make things much easier now . " Stop giving him so much , " Sean says , bringing me out of my musings . " You gave and gave . You don 't have to give him anything else . In fact , you shouldn 't . Just stop . " " You know , Sean , " I say . " I wish that you weren 't friends with him . And I wish that I had met you at a different time . " " You don 't have to worry about me telling him things if that 's the problem , " he says with a laugh . " I don 't tell him about the times we talk because he doesn 't need the ego boost of knowing how much you miss him . And as for meeting me at a different time , I believe things happen the way they do for a reason . But I really should get to bed now . Do you need a hug ? " After that response , of course I need a hug . I am uncertain if he is deliberately misinterpreting my statement to avoid embarrassing me or if he really doesn 't understand that if he weren 't friends with my ex I would be all over him . Either way , tipsy declarations are best ignored , so I appreciate it more than I can tell him . I go to bed alone ; I am beginning to get used to this . The petty part of my heart hopes that Brad is detesting his crappy couch experience . The Ex - Chronicles : Part Two , the Wicked Game of Hopscotch October 14 , 2014October 19 , 2014Leave a comment For the next few days , I see little of Brad and I try to continue my life as normal . I talk incessantly to anyone who will listen about the amalgamation of discontent roaring around my brain . This includes co - workers I barely know , my stuck - in - the - middle roommate , and the friends I had more or less abandoned over the course of the relationship . Most tell me I am handling things well , though I feel that I could shatter into peaces at any moment . One person tells me that I seem to be moving through the stages of grief in quick succession . It feels more like playing a wicked long game of hopscotch where the numbers keep repeating in random order . The days pass slowly yet it is suddenly a week since he was mine . I don 't cry anymore , though it would probably only take a few drinks and the right setting to turn me into a sprinkler again . He sleeps on friends ' couches and I go to sleep alone in our queen - sized bed , tucked between a body pillow and a giant stuffed frog . I sleep under a mountain of blankets to make up for the loss of his body heat next to mine . I adjust . We see each other infrequently compared to when he loved me , yet probably more than most exes do right after separating . I pretend my heart doesn 't race when he comes in unexpectedly . I hope that if I can pretend enough , it will become true that much sooner . I try not to cherish the moments when we can sit together companionably without discussing what went wrong or what the future will hold . I know that the breakup was actually good for me because I now have my goals back . I know what I want again . Unfortunately , part of what I want is still him . I see his flaws now , where before I thought he was perfect . Yet I cannot shake the love I feel , or the strong desire to collapse in his arms . He is very careful not to touch me . Life is moving on for both of us . I hope that things are beginning to settle into a mode that we can both live with . Can both be happy with . It just takes time , I suppose . The Ex - Chronicles : Part One , the Plan October 13 , 2014October 13 , 2014Leave a comment The continuing ( mildly ) dramatic representation of my living situation . In real time , it has been a week since the split , but I want to present things as close to the way they happened as possible . Once the dust has settled , a day - by - day recount shouldn 't be necessary , but while things are still in upheaval , it seems somehow right to take it all down . Of course , some things have been omitted for the sake of others , but ultimately , this is what has happened and is happening . I doze off for maybe two hours before I give up and head back to my own apartment . I expect Brad to be asleep , but instead he is getting ready for work . I crawl into bed and bury my head under the covers willing the throbbing pain in my chest to go away . I can hear him moving around the apartment , and then , he comes into the bedroom and asks if I am ok . " Of course . " And he is gone . I wait until I hear the front door close behind him before I break down into sobs . Last night , I cried pretty . There were gentle , intermittent tears wetting my cheeks and turning my eyes slightly red . The only ugliness was the amount of tissues I used . I have heard that everyone is ugly when they cry ; I actually get prettier if I do it right . But today , alone in our bedroom , as I will be night after night forever it seems , I cry ugly . My body heaves for air as I shudder and gasp , trying not to scream my anguish . Very few actual tears fall , but my nose becomes instantly congested and I do not have the strength of will to reach for the tissues . By the time I have calmed down , I have missed my French class . I contemplate forgetting English Lit , too . However , I actually have one friend in that class , and I would like to have someone to talk to . I try my best to look presentable , and I remind myself constantly that crying in public is embarrassing , so I shouldn 't do it . Of course , following the pattern of my luck lately , she isn 't there . I sit through a lecture on Shakespeare desperately trying to concentrate on that or anything other than my failed relationship . I somehow survive and make it back to the apartment , where Brad is waiting for me on the balcony . My heart races , and I want to punch it for being so sentimental . It wants me to throw myself into his arms and beg him to rethink this awful decision . There 's no way it can be right for either of us , can it ? I move past him silently to put my things in the apartment before joining him in the tall deck chairs . We have sat like this through so many days and nights , sometimes talking , more frequently in our own little worlds , buried in our cell phones . I thought it was comfortable , companionable silence . Now , I 'm not so sure . " That 's not what I meant , " he says . His sulky look has returned . " I meant I 'm not going to force you to leave , and I want you to feel comfortable staying . You didn 't have to leave last night , you know . I could 've stayed over there . " He does not reply to this . I hate my pettiness in this moment . I have the higher moral ground , so I should probably try to keep it . " Well , luckily , I came up with a plan last night . I think it 's the only really viable solution that doesn 't screw all three of us over . " It isn 't really until this moment that I remember we actually have an additional roommate . I am pulling my words out of thin air , but it is true that he would also suffer from a change in living order . " Right , when you were telling everyone you knew about our problems instead of letting me know there even were problems . " I take a deep breath , trying to bite down on the anger . I don 't want him to know how angry and hurt I am . I want to appear calm , collected , a mature adult providing a mature game plan . " Look , " I continue , " right now , we have super low bills , and we are all conveniently located for work or school . I cannot find this good of a deal anywhere else . I graduate in eight months . Our lease is up in nine . Can you deal with living with me for that long so I can do what I always wanted to do before you got in the way ? " " And I still love you , " he says without skipping a beat . " I don 't know what about my feelings for you changed exactly . But I do still care for you as a friend . It 'll just take us a little time to find out how to be just friends again . " " Yeah , time , " I mutter . I am not a patient person . However , I reached my immediate goal , establishing that we can most likely live together . I already lost my boyfriend , I shouldn 't have to lose my roommate and best friend , as well . The Ex - Chronicles : Part One , Alpha and Omega October 12 , 2014October 19 , 20141 Comment I would like to tell you a story of love , friendship , and roommates . Of course , the part of the story I actually care about right now is the end . Or the beginning . Break - ups are funny in that they are truly both . Start and finish all wrapped up together . But enough of the philosophical nonsense . Here I present to the two people who will ever see this the story of how I came to live with my ex , and hopefully , I 'll be able to write up how it all works out . Maybe the two people who read this can learn something from the mistakes I have made and certainly will make later . Here then is the only marginally dramatized version of events that I took down while sobbing onto my keyboard almost exactly one year to the day of moving in with my ( now ex ) boyfriend : Buckets of ice water drown an imaginary future in front of my eyes . Words full of pin - pricking shards rain on my happy memories and hopeful plans . So why are my eyes dry while he is wracked with sobs ? Wasn 't I the one wronged in this situation ? " Well that was unavoidable , " I say as I rub small circles on his back . A reassuring habit I picked up over the past two years living together in seemingly perfect harmony . Mon âme soeur . My soul mate . What a load of crap . " It 's fine , really , " I mutter . I am starting to get annoyed . He is the one who sat on our bed looking like a lost puppy when I came home from work . The one who said he had been thinking for some time and , well , it just wasn 't there for him anymore . The love was gone . I feel trapped in the sad beginning of what I can only hope will be a happily - ever - after rom - com . Unfortunately , I am only at the beginning of the story , and right now , my heart is confetti , which he keeps snipping into tinier pieces as he cries . He just wants a change . He needs something new . Can we please just end this scene now ? I think I need to go back to my trailer and down a few martinis before we continue this script . But no , the drama continues . " I need some air , " I announce . I grab my pack of e - cigs off the dresser and head for the door . My tattered heart hopes he follows me , but my aching brain begs a reprieve . Instead of staying outside , I cross the apartment walkway to our neighbor 's place . Sean is more my ( now ex ) boyfriend 's friend than mine , but we used to do lots of fun couple things together before his fiancée left him last week . Something in me screams that they are the cause of all this , but I know it 's really just because Brad is a selfish prick . Thus far , Brad 's hysterics have helped me remain collected , but as soon as Sean opens the door , I feel the tears start to escape my lashes . He doesn 't even have to ask because , as Brad revealed somewhere in the cliché nonsense , he 's been talking to literally everyone we know about this issue for the past month rather than working things out with me . And not one of these bastards bothered to mention it . " I figured you of all people would know what I 'm going through right now , " I sputter as he settles me on the couch with a box of tissues and a pillow to cling to . His arm slides around me for a quick awkward side hug before rising to rest on the couch behind me . The engagement photos are still in the wall frame by the front door and his ex 's collection of Doctor Who memorabilia is scattered around the living and dining room areas . It 's been a week since she went to stay with a friend , but all her crap is still here . " Thanks , I feel like he should have to go to our bed alone tonight . Maybe it 'll make him realize he 's being an idiot . " More tears follow this . I already know that nothing of the sort is going to happen . " I have no idea . I tried to ask him that , but he just kept saying how he never wanted to hurt me . " I am beginning to collect a mountain of used tissues . " I think I 'm mostly angry because he 's once again making it all about him . Selfish bastard . " " I know ! " I have a sob spasm as happy memories hit me . " I just don 't understand . It was so sudden . I mean , I 'm sure as I look back on it , I 'll see the signs and feel really dumb , but right now … How did this happen ? He couldn 't even give me a good answer for why he 's doing this . " I prattle on in this vein with frequent interruptions from Sean comparing his situation to mine . They are embarrassingly similar . I become more and more convinced that his break up somehow caused mine . Eventually , I calm down enough that we can mindlessly watch Netflix while only sporadically discussing our relationship woes . Sean goes to bed , but I know I won 't be sleeping for a while . More Netflix it is then . My eyes become so heavy that I think I might get some sleep after all , but instead the darkened ceiling becomes intriguing as I mull over the situation . If this is really happening . If he really has decided to give up on us . If I have to move on . So many ifs are swirling through my mushed mind , but one thought emerges before I succumb to fitful oblivion : I don 't have to sacrifice my dreams anymore . I can leave the state after graduation next May . This is a peaceful thought ; it is a tiny ray of light in this bullshit parade . But to do it , I need to save money as I have been for the past year with really low bills . And the only way to do that , is to live with my ex . Jasmine and Carmen are eating lunch . Well , Jasmine is eating . Carmen has her head down on the table and is sobbing uncontrollably . Jasmine ignores it at first , but she finally reaches over and pats Carmen on the head . Like a puppy or a small child . Carmen : No ! The real Spartacus 's body was never found . The producers could have made it so he lived , but they killed him anyway ( starts crying again ) It was … the saddest … thing … I 've ever … seen … And I watched it five times ! Carmen : I mean , I was devastated when Crixus died in the episode before that , but even that didn 't prepare me for losing Spartacus … I don 't know how I can go on after this . ( She puts her head back down on the table . ) Jasmine stares at her silently . Nathan enters stage right . He stops when he sees Carmen sobbing on the table . It is clear he thinks he is the cause . He sits and the three regard each other awkwardly . Carmen begins making eye contact with Jasmine and trying to indicate that she should leave . This goes on for several moments as at first Jasmine really doesn 't understand what she wants and then just pretends she doesn 't get it to be a pain in the ass . Finally , Jasmine checks the time on her phone and stands . Carmen : Crying ? I wasn 't crying . I had one of those sudden massive headaches and it made my eyes tear up . Putting my head on the table helped a lot . Carmen : Fine ! I was crying because I just watched the series finale of Spartacus , and he died . Happy ? ( She starts to tear up again . ) Carmen : You know , I was thinking about you the other day . And I was missing you and being all sad . And I had this pain in my chest , and I thought " I miss him so much that my heart is literally hurting . " And then I thought about how terribly romantic and pathetic that sounded . But then , I realized that the heart is more like in the center of the chest , and it was the left side that was hurting . Carmen : No . Spartacus . I get lost in that show . I care about the gladiators and the slaves they 've freed . I care about whether or not Spartacus will end up sleeping with that Roman chick . I want Gannicus to be a good guy , and instead he gets fucking crucified ( She starts crying again , but stops almost instantly ) The point is , watching this show , I can cry over these characters instead of crying over you , and that makes me feel good . Paul : 30 , accountant for a large local bank . Dressed in nice suit , though he wears it slightly off , as though he is not use to it . Close - cropped hair , good looking in an average way . Married to Katherine for 3 years . Katherine : 28 , event organizer and entrepreneur . Very focused on her business , sometimes wonders why she married Paul in the first place . Wears a nice dress , hitting at the knee or higher and four - inch heels . She is dressed up for a night out , and she is owning it , most of the time . Paul : Honey , you know you don 't have to do that for me . ( Pantomimes holding car door open for her . ) I love you , no matter what you 're wearing . Paul : ( suddenly lays on the horn - a tinny and all together ridiculous sound - and gesticulates wildly while shouting ) Watch what you 're doing , asshole ! You can 't just pull out at a four - way stop when it 's not your turn ! God damn it . ( Calms down instantly ) I 'm sorry , honey , what were you saying ? Katherine : Darling you have no idea . Before we got married I thought she was trying to convince me not to stay with you the way she 'd go on and on about all of your bad qualities . Now I just think she likes to complain about her family members . You should hear the way she talks about your father . Paul : Are you serious ? I thought my mother - ( horn again , yelling out the window ) Your lane ! Stay in your lane ! Your lane ! Can you believe the way people drive these days ? Do people even have to take a test anymore ? Jesus . Katherine ( sighs ) : I wish you 'd stop doing that . Paul : I most certainly am not imagining it . Honey , we 've almost been killed twice already . ( Horn again ) You bastard ! Did you even look ? And where the hell was your blinker ? Paul : Now that was clearly the third time we 've almost been killed , and we just left the house . Katherine : But you don 't have to have a conniption fit every time something even remotely bad happens . Do you think maybe you 're part of the problem ? Paul : Do you want to drive ? Because I can pull over so you can take the wheel , since you 're obviously so much better at driving than I am . Miss Calm and Collected in her four - inch freaking heels . Katherine : No , I don 't want to drive , but if you 're going to pout you might as well turn around and take me home . And why are you attacking my shoes again ? What did they ever do to you ? Paul : O hell , I don 't care what shoes you wear . I just want you to get off my case about the way I drive . ( Horn again , also , both jerk forward slightly as Paul slams on the brakes ) Jesus , Mary , and Joseph ! When my light is green it means yours is definitely red ! Yellow means slow down , not speed up , Genius ! ( Calm again ) I 'm sorry , where were we ? Katherine : O nevermind ! Can you at least stop laying on the horn every time ? Yell if you must , but holy crap , Paul . I get embarrassed riding in a car with you when every five seconds you 're blasting that damn thing . And what 's worse is that it sounds ridiculous . Paul : Ok , so , you said you get embarrassed riding with me when I get angry at stupid drivers - like that asshole , there ! O that turn signal was beautiful ! I wish I 'd taken a picture of it ! O wait , there wasn 't one ! - but it made me wonder , don 't you ever get angry and honk the horn at somebody who cuts you off or nearly hits you ? Katherine : You 'll find out when we get there . By the way , ( She 's clearly nervous about the subject she 's going to bring up . ) Marsha is having a baby shower next Tuesday . Paul : Well , ( growing uncomfortable ) why should we ? We 're both focused on our careers . I 'm trying to work my way up at the bank , and your event planning business is really taking off . Neither of us has time for a child , and maybe we 'll decide that we never will . What 's wrong with that ? Katherine : Watch what you 're doing , you asshole ! Are you trying to cause a wreck ? What the hell ! Yield means wait until it 's clear , not go when you feel like it . ( Pause , then another tirade while laying on the tinny horn ; it should be clear this is another vehicle , not the same one . ) Turn off your brights ! You 're driving through town not a deer infested backroad . Are you trying to blind me ? Katherine : I 'm not upset . If I were upset , I would be crying . ( Starts to cry . ) But I 'm not am I ? Katherine : Shut up ! You know , all I wanted tonight was to get dressed up , go out to a nice restaurant , have some quality time together , and tell you I 'm pregnant . But no , you had to do your usual shit with the road rage and , and keep complaining about my shoes ! Papers rustled as the therapist shifted from one leg crossed to the other . No , she was flicking through the pages looking for something , that 's why they were rustling . She found it and began to read aloud . No , she was going to read to herself and drag out the interminable silence . " Are you sure ? " Gretchen looked puzzled . Dr . Thompson nodded . Gretchen took a deep breath . A fly buzzing in the corner caught her attention . When her gaze flicked back to the therapist , she felt as though she had lost a great deal of time . " I look at the clock on the wall , and I think , no , I know that I just did that . Ten times actually . Wait , that 's not right . I only looked once , but now I 'm looking again , and it 's making time feel like it 's passing slower . Or does it ? I 'm never sure . I 'm not sure . I don 't know . Shit , I 've seen this before . This is the part where the man with the ax bursts in . Wait , that was a movie . No , it wasn 't . Yes , that movie with … Damn , what 's his name ? I forget . Anyway it was definitely a movie that I 'm remembering . But no I 'm not . It 's real , and it wasn 't an ax it was a machine gun . No , that 's later when I walk out of the room . But if I go the other way - . " She nodded and sat back on the couch , taking deep breaths in and out . If she focused hard enough , the layers of present would recede slightly so she could feel a few moments of calm at a time . There was a cycle to it , but she only remembered this from time to time . " Do you know how long you 've been like this ? " The therapist asked . Gretchen shook her head . She stared at her folded hands . The minute sounds of the room pressed in on her . They seemed ominous . It was like the ticks of the clock and the hum of the computer were counting down to some disastrous climax . Gretchen realized she was holding her breath waiting for it . She exhaled suddenly , and she was surprised when a man with a gun did not burst into the room and begin shooting wildly . But no , that wouldn 't happen because this was all a movie . " I need to leave , " Gretchen said . The silence was full of possibilities . Too many . Her head would explode if she stayed in a situation so charged with maybes . " Please don 't forget to get this one filled , Gretchen , " she said . Gretchen nodded and hurried out of the door . At least , that 's how she remembered this scenario happening , but no , she was still standing in the office preparing to leave and Dr . Thompson was scribbling on a piece of paper . Was it a prescription ? Dr . Thompson handed her the paper . " Call me if you need anything . Anything at all , " she said . At least , that 's how she remembered this scenario happening , but no - . Gretchen screamed and ran from the room . Josh stood as she entered the lobby and grabbed her before she could make a break for the street . Dr . Thompson had followed her , and she handed Josh the paper she had been writing on . " Thanks , Doc , " Josh said . He turned Gretchen toward the door , still holding her tightly . " Come on , Sis . Let 's get you home . " Two days later , Gretchen was extremely ill . She lay in bed staring at the ceiling , but even that did not stop the awful progression of consecutive realities , all of which she just knew she had seen before . Josh tried to keep her comfortable , but he couldn 't have a conversation with her . It had been like this for almost a year now ; ever since the accident , she hadn 't been the same . The doctors said it was seizures in the frontal lobe . Whatever that meant . Her brother brought her soup and tried to get her to take the pills . But no matter how he tried to coerce her into swallowing the tiny medication , she insisted that they were a poison that would kill her if he forced the issue . Josh was somewhat relieved by this idea because unlike most of her nonsense , this was consistent . Normally she jumped from thought to thought , never remembering what she had said . Of course , she was always adamant that she remembered not only what had happened before , but also what was going to happen next . Finally , on the third day after visiting the therapist , Josh called his sister 's doctor . They scheduled an appointment for that afternoon . So , Josh began the arduous process of loading Gretchen into the car and taking her to the hospital . He started four hours before the appointment time . Still , they were fifteen minutes late . Gretchen kept stopping and trying to return to the house . First , it was a serial killer hiding in the bushes . Then , it was their mother returning from the grave waiting in the house for her to come fix lunch . Later , while driving , she nearly jumped out of the car because they were about to have a head on collision with a semi truck . Once they reached the hospital , a strange man with a cane was going to give her a present . And he simply couldn 't stop her from talking to the homeless man waiting on the bench because he had vital information for her . He only asked for spare change . Finally , Josh led Gretchen into the waiting room . The doctor was there waiting for them ; he was very well acquainted with Gretchen 's case , so the delay didn 't surprise him . He led them straight to an MRI room instead of the usual examining room . He explained that he had an idea for scanning her brain . They had done this exam once before already , but the doctor was sure he actually knew what he was looking for this time . The anesthesiologist administered a drug while Gretchen screamed and thrashed about , yelling that someone was trying to kill her and she needed to go home . Josh stood far away from the gurney where Gretchen had been tied down . He wanted to hold his sister 's hand , but he was tired of sporting her nail marks on his arms . He decided to let someone else handle it . It took longer than for most patients , but Gretchen finally settled into a drug - induced coma , leaving the testing room eerily silent . Gretchen dreamed that she was walking through a long corridor . But wait , it wasn 't a dream . And it wasn 't a corridor . It was the street . She was outside the hospital with her brother . No , her brother wasn 't with her . She was alone . Not quite alone . There was a homeless man sitting on a bench by the entrance . He was dirty and ragged . The quintessential hobo , she thought . But there was something special about him . She had the sudden urge to speak to him . The world seemed to settle to one reality as she approached . She expected a man with a knife to jump from behind the hydrangea bush behind the bench , but then she realized that was silly . She sat down . Silence . The man nodded , but he still didn 't say anything . Gretchen began to fidget as she waited for the déjà vu to return in its usual waves . But it didn 't . After a few moments , she sat back and enjoyed the view of one uninterrupted reality . She took a deep breath and sighed . " It 's not déjà vu , you know , " the man said suddenly . Gretchen leaned in closer to him and waited for him to speak again . He didn 't , so she prompted him . " It 's reality , " he said . He looked at her for the first time . She noticed that his eyes were very green in his dirt - stained face . Without the grime , she thought he might almost be handsome , though she estimated he must be in his 50s at the very least . " You are seeing multiple possible realities all at once . And they are all real . It is a gift . " " I don 't feel very gifted , " Gretchen whispered . She turned to gaze across the busy street . She couldn 't remember the last time she had stayed in one present for this long . Actually , she couldn 't remember much of anything long - term . She was normally in a time lapse of anywhere from 30 seconds on bad days to 5 minutes on good days . She turned back to the homeless man , and repeated , " I don 't feel very gifted . " " You just haven 't learned to control it , yet , " he replied . His voice was soft . She had expected something coarser . " I learned . And so will you . " " What ? " She asked . She felt the edges of the world blurring . A man with a knife was going to jump from behind the hydrangea bush behind the bench . She remembered this . But no , that wasn 't it . Something about the homeless man . He had a gun . No , that wasn 't right either . She knew if she concentrated it would all right itself . Gretchen opened her eyes to find herself staring at a ceiling made of generic white tiles with florescent lighting . Josh was standing over her , but not too close . Gretchen blinked at him . He helped her off the gurney . Her legs were a bit wobbly . The doctor held the door open for them . He and Josh exchanged a look over the top of Gretchen 's head . She felt it more than saw it . They were plotting to kill her . But it had to look like an accident . She told herself to stop being ridiculous . That wasn 't this reality . Then , which one was she in ? Everything began to speed up as she walked through the lobby doors and into the sunlight . Déjà vu after déjà vu pounced on her as Josh led her to the car . She tried to escape his grasp several times , but he held on tightly until he had her in the car with the seat belt securely fastened . The trip home was much like the trip to the hospital . Another two days passed . Gretchen had recovered from her " illness , " yet Josh took her to the hospital again anyway . She wondered at this for a moment , but then she remembered that she hadn 't been to the hospital , yet . Not since her last annual checkup . But yes she had . She 'd gone just yesterday . But that wasn 't quite right , either . Gretchen put up less resistance on this trip because she was very preoccupied with figuring out when she had last been to the hospital . " If I can only find the right reality , " she murmured . Buildings flashed by her window , though she thought it was the same buildings repeating over and over again . Perhaps it was . The homeless man was no longer on the bench . Gretchen was surprised at this , and she tried to think why she thought there would be a homeless man sitting there . Then , she recalled that it was because he was there last time . No , that he was supposed to be there this time . Last time he was gone , too , right ? She started to tremble as the déjà vu sped up and then slowed down and then sped up again . It was a bad day . " I 've seen this before , " Gretchen said to herself . It 's possible that she didn 't say it aloud because no one responded to her . They led her into a room where the anesthesiologist administered a drug while Gretchen screamed and thrashed about , yelling that someone was trying to kill her and she needed to go home . But this time , Josh wasn 't even in the room . He was in the next room with the doctor while Gretchen was being put under . Josh nodded mutely for several minutes . He was recalling his sister thrashing on the gurney as the anesthesiologist put the needle in her arm . He nodded once more surely and swallowed roughly before saying , " Do it . " Three hours later , Gretchen awoke in a hospital bed with a slight pain in her right temple . She raised her hand to find a bandage plastered across her forehead . She had the strange urge to rip it off and probe whatever wound was there , but her brother 's voice stopped her . Josh sighed and rubbed the five o ' clock shadow beginning to coat his chin . That 's when the doctor came in . He looked surprised to see Gretchen already awake , and he motioned Josh out of the room . Josh squeezed his sister 's hand before leaving . " You knew what you signed on for , " the doctor said coldly . " I warned you before she went under the knife . We didn 't know what to expect , and we still don 't . But I am optimistic that - . " Josh nodded and returned to his sister 's room . He stopped in the doorway and watched her for a few moments . Gretchen stared out the window at a couple of pigeons creating a nest in a hydrangea bush . Her curly hair was falling into her eyes , but she didn 't seem to notice . She was muttering something over and over . Halfway November 20 , 2012Leave a comment So I just hit 25 , 000 words last night , which sounds great right ? Except it 's Nov . 20 and I only have ten days to write 25 , 000 more words . Geez . I had gotten so close to being caught up , and then school hit , and right after that Wal - Mart 's Thanksgiving rush hit . Being a cashier during Thanksgiving means working mucho hours . In fact , I have to be at work in an hour . So , I 'll probably attempt to work on my novel a bit before I go . After all , I did catch up on sleep last night finally . But all I really want to do right now is finish reading Wicked by Gregory Maguire . It 's not that I 'm out of ideas . I still have plenty of outline to go off of . Actually , I think that might be the problem ; I already know what 's going to happen . I may not have all the details worked out , but I know how the story is progressing , so it feels boring to me . Whereas even though I 've read Wicked before , it 's been a while so the story is like new for me again and I can 't wait to see what happens . I think I need to figure out how to get that magic back for my story . But how ? The Scorpio guards led Belle out of the tunnel into a large round chamber . A hole in the ceiling showed stars , and Belle searched in vain for Orion before they pushed her into a small room off to the side . The walls were the same red brown stone , and wall sconces black with age produced a flickering luminescence . Andavar spoke from the door before it was shut . " You 'll be staying here until it is time for your part in the ceremony . It should be a short wait . " With that , he closed and locked the door . After that ominous click , Belle turned to check out her latest surroundings and found that she wasn 't alone . Lord Regus was in the corner on a crude wooden bench . He was staring into space just as before . " Orion is the key to Antares prison ? " Belle asked incredulously . Lord Regus shook his head , but Belle could get no more out of him , no matter how much she pleaded and berated him . Finally , Lord Andavar returned with the guards . Both Lord Regus and Belle were led into the circular chamber . Now Belle could clearly see Orion through the hole in the ceiling . They were both brought to the altar at the center of the room , and Belle 's uneasiness increased . These people were willing to kidnap and die for their beliefs . Did they believe in human sacrifice , too ? For a few moments , Belle fought not to throw up . " Greetings , my brethren , " Andavar said to the congregation . He stood square with the altar ; Belle and Lord Regus had been placed to either side of him . " Tonight , we will finally obtain what we have sought for so long : the key to our Lord Antares 's prison . But first , we must undergo a task most regrettable . We must unleash the enemy of our Lord . The heathen hunter , that man upon whom the gods wasted such greatness , when it should have belonged to our lord . Orion . " " I know that it grieves us all to release him from his most just punishment , but it is a necessary evil . Without the sons of Antares , we are helpless to release him on our own . We need the secondary key ; we need the belt of Orion . " " And although we have lost our key somewhere in the sands of time , we have the key for Orion . " Lord Andavar gestured to Belle as he spoke . A few of the Scorpios hissed at her , too . " No , no , my brothers . Do not disdain the presence of Orion 's daughter . For through her , all of our toils will reach fruition . Through her , our centuries of waiting will be ended . " Andavar turned to Belle . " You will be praised in the annals of our brotherhood , Lady Bellatrix . " " And now , with Orion high in the sky , we shall begin the ceremony . " Andavar began to read in Greek from an ancient tome laid on the otherwise bare altar . The hair at the nape of Belle 's neck tingled as though someone breathed down her spine . She shivered as the words wrapped around her like a cold blanket . As Andavar continued reading , she felt a pressing weight on her . The guard next to Belle grabbed her hand and made a small cut on her palm . Belle tried to cry out at the sudden pain , but her throat was blocked by the intense pressure , which continued to grow . It wasn 't until Andavar was grabbing her wrist and pulling it to touch Lord Regus 's palm that she realized he had also been cut . As their bloody hands touched so that the red mingled , the pressure became too intense and Belle cried out , " Open to me Betelgeuse ! " And just like that , the pressure vanished , as though sucked away by a vacuum . Belle was breathing heavily from the sudden change . Lord Regus 's hand slipped away from hers , and he fell to the floor . He was dead . Belle simply stared at his ashen face ; it was like someone had fastforwarded the clock 20 or 30 years for his face was so much older . Belle turned to Andavar angrily . 10 , 000 Words November 12 , 2012Leave a comment Well , it 's week two of NaNoWriMo , and I just hit 10 , 000 words . Which , by the by , means that I am WAY behind . I should be much closer to 20 , 000 by this point . However , I refuse to be daunted because my novel is coming along swimmingly . It 's about Orion , the constellation , and Orion , the mythological hunter . It 's about cults . It 's about sons and daughters of larger than life people from ancient times . It 's about a magic belt . It 's about the stars . It 's about kidnapping and danger . It 's about family . It 's about love . I 'm also slowly figuring out that there are two main character rather than one ( and neither of them is Orion , who still hasn 't actually entered the story yet , but I 'm getting there ) . It 's a mother and daughter . Donna and Belle Betel . I 'm pretty crazy about both of them , so I sincerely hope that anyone who reads this will be , too . Anyway , I need to get back to writing on my novel . Lots of catching up to do . But here 's a snippet of what I 've written today . Words of encouragement greatly appreciated 🙂 " Like take you to safety ? " He asked . Belle shook her head . Mr . Marcus sighed and rubbed his eyes . " You were nearly killed in a car accident , which looks deliberate , and then you were nearly kidnapped … You haven 't even been in town for a whole day , yet , kiddo . " " Did you recognize the guy ? " Mr . Marcus asked . Belle started to shake her head , but then she stopped mid - motion . Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped slightly . The cold ball of fear in her stomach returned . " On the day that we left my house , there was a guy at the end of the street . I didn 't recognize him , but I thought he was watching me , " Belle said . She grew more agitated as she put the pieces together . " And the gas station ! I wondered why that guy creeped me out so much ; it was because it was the same guy . I recognized him ! And at the wreck … " She started pacing , though she still stayed very close to Mr . Marcus . " I was really out of it because I 'd hit my head , but that guy … It was the same guy . I know it was ! " " Belle , calm down , " Mr . Marcus said . He grabbed Belle 's arms and pulled her close to him . " Now listen to me . Tomorrow , you and I are going down to the police station , and you 're going to tell them what you just told me . In fact , maybe I should stay here with you tonight instead of going to a hotel . " " Alright , " he said . " You 're right . As long as you feel safe enough to be here by yourself . You have my number . Call me if you get uncomfortable , even a little bit , and I 'll come straight back . I 'll get the nearest hotel I can . " She hugged him , and then he left . Belle watched him walk out the door and out of sight before she slowly made her way back to Geoff 's room . When she reached the room , it was dark . Apparently Geoff had asked one of the nurses to turn off the lights . Only the tiny wall lamps that were constantly on gave any light to the hospital room . She went over to the bed and sat down by Geoff 's still form . He must have fallen back asleep while she was escorting his dad out . She watched his chest rise and fall with his breathing , and she felt peaceful . A sudden noise behind her made her breath catch in her throat . Belle froze as she heard the gentle swoosh of the bathroom door opening , barely perceptible under the hum of the hospital instruments surrounding the bed . Belle turned slowly , and she felt like she was in a horror movie as she saw a black figure slowly emerge from the bathroom . She felt a scream building in her throat , but when she opened her mouth , no sound came out . The figure advanced on her steadily . Something snapped in her head , and Belle leapt up to try to wake Geoff or call for help or run for the door or do anything , anything at all to keep the man away from her . But it was too late . Her moments of frozen terror had left her with not enough time and zero options . The man was suddenly on her , and the only thing she saw before she blacked out , was the face of the man who had been following . Except it can 't be him because he 's dead , she thought . And then there was inky silence . Nanowrimo 2012 October 31 , 2012October 31 , 2012Leave a comment It 's that time of year again . National Novel Writing Month ! It begins in just a few more hours , and I am pumped ! Even though I had completely forgotten it was coming up , so I really don 't have much of a story idea going yet . I 'm using an idea from a while back that 's been sitting in a folder on my laptop labelled " Ideas . " Creative , aren 't I ? Anyway , this idea is about the constellation Orion . At least , those are the premises of my novel , which will begin to unfold at exactly 12 : 01am tonight . Yay ! I 'll be posting updates and ( if people are interested , excerpts ) here throughout the month , so stay tuned and follow the blog 🙂 Twitter Me ThisMy Tweets 20 - Something picsThere was an error retrieving images from Instagram . An attempt will be remade in a few minutes . 20 - Something and other Categories20 - Something and other Categories About the JenI 'm Jen . On this blog I write about meandering through my 20s . On other people 's blogs , I write about anything they want . Here , I am irreverent . There , I can be professional . |
While I sat at work , I was still infuriated with my fiancé and his inability to let go of the other woman . The fact that he had to meet me at lunch time to tell her to stop contacting him when he had already promised me it was over , frustrated me and I was sent into an emotional tailspin . I could feel the anxiety building up again . I wanted out of the relationship badly by this point but yet something still held me there . My fiancé and I continued with our therapy sessions . Some sessions were good , some were bad but my anger toward him wasn 't fleeting . I looked at him differently now . He was a stranger and I no longer viewed him as the man who would never hurt me . I lost all respect for him . In therapy one of the promises I had made was that I would not go through his cell phone . I tried hard not to look but it was very difficult not to . Rebuilding trust had to start somewhere , so I put forth the effort into repairing our relationship by giving him the benefit of the doubt . The days went on and the emotional rollercoaster was unstoppable . On certain days I would be so in love with him and other days I despised him . One particular night when my love for him was wavering , I went against my better judgment and as he slept I grabbed his cell phone to begin searching . I had no idea what I was looking for , since he changed his number , however I wanted to make sure he wasn 't contacting her . My heart raced and was pounding out of my chest . " Oh please God " I prayed , I didn 't want to find anything . I looked through contacts … nothing there , searched through outgoing and incoming calls … nothing there , onto the text messages … nothing there . I felt relieved . As I was about to give up on my search , my finger slipped and I wound up hitting a button that led me to the last numbers text messaged . I had no idea how I even found it but there it was , in plain view , her cell number . My blood boiled and I ran into our bedroom . I flashed the bright light of the cell phone into his eyes . He woke up confused and I showed him what I had found . The anger was so intense I started to hit him with the phone . He wrestled me to the bed and grabbed the phone from my hand . I have never felt so out of control in my entire life . I was crying and shaking . How could he contact her again ? Now she had his new number and all it proved to me was he didn 't really want to let her go . We didn 't speak that night . In the morning , before I left for work I asked him why he contacted her again . He said he wanted to make sure she was ok . The fury intensified and I told him I was ready for our relationship to be over . He needed to leave . I spent the entire day at work dealing with his text messaging and his phone calls . He had called our therapist on his own and told her he wanted to make things right . He told our therapist that he had no intentions of contacting her anymore , he felt badly for how he treated her but he didn 't want to lose me . Our therapist wanted us to come in immediately for an emergency therapy session . For whatever strange reason , I agreed . I left work early and met him at our therapist 's office . I could not look him in his eyes . I was so afraid if I did , I would feel sad and I didn 't want to be pacified . To me , anger was a much easier emotion to deal with . It kept me strong . As we sat in the office , he started to explain to me why he texted her . I could hear the desperation in his voice increase as he spoke . He said he had no plans to continue the affair , he felt bad for leading the other woman on and did not want to hurt anyone . The entire therapy session I rolled my eyes . I felt like his excuses were a lame attempt to justify his inability to end contact with her because in my mind he had feelings for her . The therapist asked me to give him another chance . She said she felt his sincerity . Glad someone did because I wasn 't buying it . Deep down I knew this was not going to work , although once again I decided to give him another chance . I had no idea why I said yes . I wanted to believe this was the last time I would deal with the other woman . Was he ready to give her up for good ? I was already on edge and wasn 't sure how much more I could take . Jezi 🙂 I went to sleep that night thinking my fiancé had completely ceased all contact with the woman he chose to have an affair with . We had spent a great day together and I believed we were headed in the right direction towards healing our relationship . However , I couldn 't seem to control the constantly shifting of my emotions . One minute I felt happy ; the next sad , then angry . I didn 't understand why I couldn 't be content with the fact that we were working things out . Why couldn 't I erase the bad thoughts from my mind so I could love him again ? Our first therapy session was a very intense one . My fiancé seemed to be open about sharing his feelings ; yet I could see him shut down when the therapist would try to get him to open up concerning the affair . When he was asked why he cheated he could only answer , " I don 't know why " . It would infuriate me because how could someone not know why they do something knowing the pain it would cause ? If he didn 't know why , what makes me think he wouldn 't do it again ? I left therapy wondering if things were ever going to get better between us . Even though I had my doubts , I still had a feeling of hope which is something I didn 't have prior to going to the session . The weekend came and we decided to go to his cousin 's house . I tried hard to hide the issues we were dealing with . They knew what had happened but I didn 't want them to see how unhappy I truly was . I felt so lost ; I was faking my happiness . My mind still waivered with many doubts and wondered if I could actually get through this . Did I really want to make this relationship work ? Every time he was out of my sight I questioned whether he was calling her or texting her . He would go to the store and I would get mad because I thought he was contacting her and lying to me about it . I could see him trying but he was losing patience with my mood swings . I was not myself . I remember I would wait until he would fall asleep and I would go through his phone . I was looking to see if he was calling or texting her . Yet I never found evidence that he was . We continued going to therapy . Every other week we had individual sessions and then on the third week we would have our couples counseling sessions . As time went on , I couldn 't seem to feel any better about our relationship . I felt just as bad as I had the first day I found out . When was this going to get easier ? He was doing everything to show me he loved me but I still didn 't trust him . I would look up websites to try and find support groups . I needed to know what I was feeling was normal . I wanted to hIt had been two weeks and I went online to look at his phone bill ; I wanted to make sure her number was nowhere to be found . Unfortunately , it was there , my heart sank and I felt the blood rush to my head . He was still in contact with her . It was then I knew getting her out of our lives wasn 't going to be so easy . I confronted him about it and he had said she was calling him still . I asked him why he didn 't tell me and he said there was nothing to tell . She wanted to be with him but he didn 't want to be with her anymore . He was willing to change his number . I was conflicted , I wanted to make things work but why couldn 't he just get her out of our lives ? Did he care for her ? Was he still seeing her ? I couldn 't understand how he would jeopardize our relationship again , knowing I would see the phone bill and catch her number there . Was she worth losing me and our son over ? What did he really want ? I knew I had to make a decision but why was it so hard ? He promised me the affair was over and he would change his number to prove it . I just didn 't know anymore if that would be enough . The next day he met me for lunch . He had already changed his number and he was going to call her in front of me to tell her the relationship was over . It was funny how he was going to be telling her the same thing he swore he had already done 2 weeks prior to this day . He blocked his number and dialed hers . I rolled my eyes and made a comment about him having her number memorized . She did not pick up and so he left her a voicemail saying that he changed his number , not to contact him . He also told her if she shows up at the gym , he will quit his job , he wanted to be with me , he loved me and we were planning on getting married . Even though he made that call to her , I was still so angry . I wound up yelling at him and going back to work . I was disappointed in myself . Why couldn 't I walk away from this man ? Would this be the last time ? Was she really out of the picture ? What would I find on next month 's bill ? After speaking to my fiance many times that night about us and our now broken relationship , I just didn 't want to think about the affair anymore . I slept but it wasn 't exactly sound sleep . You would imagine , since my son was spending the night away , I would be able to sleep late come morning and enjoy it . In reality , I missed my fiance . I also missed sleeping next to my fiancé . The bed felt empty , my room felt empty , and I felt completely alone . When I went to pick up my son from his father the next day , my fiance was not happy . He thought I would stay and we would talk . However , I wasn 't going to give him the satisfaction of thinking we were going to be ok . I had a baby shower to attend , where a few of my friends were going to be and I had to pretend there was nothing wrong in my relationship . Not an easy task , the pain was written all over my face . But I pulled it off pretty well , no one thought anything was wrong in my life . I just told them I was tired . After I returned home and put my son to sleep , I had time to sit and think about the events of the past couple of days . The anger was dissipating and the sadness was kicking in . I was born and raised by a single mother and I am an only child . I did not know my father 's side of the family and my mother was also an only child . Prior to meeting my fiance , my friends were essentially the only family I had . When we started dating , I became very close to his family . His brothers and sister became mine , his cousins became mine , his aunts and uncles became mine , all the kids were just as much my nieces and nephews as they were his . I even developed a very strong relationship with his other children . Losing him in my life meant losing my extended family as well . It wasn 't just a matter of ending the relationship with him , but with my entire family as well . I received a phone call from him while I was contemplating our future . I told him exactly how I was feeling and he offered to bring the kids over to see me . I was not ready to see him but we did make plans to take them to the zoo the next day . After we had our plans set and ended the call , I felt compelled to call him back . I wanted to know why he hadn 't told me he missed me or loved me since he left . He told me he held back his feelings because he was afraid I would reject him . He missed me and loved me more than anything but he feared I didn 't feel the same . I told him that it didn 't matter if I said it back , but I needed to hear it . After we hung up , part of me felt excited to see him the next day . My feelings were so conflicted and I didn 't know when or if I was ever going to feel normal again . At 1 : 30 am , I received a phone call from my fiancé . He told me the other woman had called him . He told her it was over between them . He went on to tell me she was hurt and upset . She had thought they were now going to be together . She was shocked and surprised when he said he wanted to work things out with me . After he called me to tell me what happened , I left her a message of my own . Of course I received her voicemail but my message was crystal clear , this is what I said : " I know you called and spoke to my fiancé . Well , you have your answer now ; he wants to stay with his family . You are very stupid to think otherwise . You have been with him for close to 2 years , yet , he still hadn 't left me for you . I hope you choose to move on and I hope and pray that one day , you will fall in love , have a child with this man , and then find out he 's cheating with a whore just like you . Goodbye . " I called my fiancé back and told him that I hope he was being honest with me and to inform me if she attempted to call again . I also told him I was glad he told me she called . Right before we ended our conversation he said " I love you " . I didn 't say it back . I hung up with him and after a few minutes I called him again and said " I love you too " . I did love him , but I wasn 't sure if that meant much . Saying those words certainly didn 't make me feel any better or any more secure with our relationship . Hopefully , after spending the day with him at the zoo , I would be sure of what I wanted . The next morning my fiancé called and said he was on his way with the kids . He asked if he could give me a hug when he saw me . I told him I would have to see how I felt but I didn 't think I would mind . The truth is , I didn 't mind . I was still hurt but I wanted to see him . I had missed him and felt like , perhaps , this could be a new start for us . As I came down to see him , I felt the butterflies in my stomach . It felt like a first date . As I approached him , I smiled and hugged him . His arms tightened around me and it was the longest hug I have ever had . His children looked at us with confusion . They knew something was strange since they had spent the night at their aunt 's house with their father , instead of our house . It had been the first time they weren 't with me in 5 years . We finally released our embrace and went to the zoo . My fiancé was so attentive and affectionate with me that day . So much so , I was a bit uncomfortable . I was happy that finally I was receiving the treatment I had longed for in almost 2 years , but I was still uneasy about being there with him . He told me that he was sorry he mistreated me for all those years and that he didn 't realize what he had . I really did enjoy my day with him but in the back of my mind I was thinking about her . Was he affectionate with her ? Did he kiss her the way he did me ? Was she getting all the attention while I was getting none of it ? I wanted so badly to forget but it was still right there in the forefront of my mind . He asked if he could come over and I let him even though I knew it was a mistake . I wasn 't ready for it , I wanted him but I didn 't think I would be able to move past everything he had done and the pain I felt . All I knew was , I couldn 't wait for counseling . The only thing I was 100 % sure of was that I didn 't want to lose my family . I was willing to put in the work as long as I knew the other woman was out of the picture . The unfortunate part was ; she wasn 't gone just yet . After my fiancé spent the entire day sitting in jail and wondering what he was going to do now that the affair was out in the open , I couldn 't imagine why he would think it would be okay to come home . Especially , after I specifically told him not to . However , there he was standing in the doorway of our room looking down at me and the only words I could think of to say were " you 've got to be fucking kidding me ! " His face was filled with guilt and sadness , but when I looked at him all I could feel was disgust . He explained to me that he attempted to go to his sister 's house but she didn 't answer the door . He told me he just wanted to grab some clothes , shower and he promised to sleep on the couch . He wreaked of urine and I found myself getting emotional . I held back the tears because I didn 't want him to think my tears were a sign of weakness . He went to the bathroom and I decided I wanted to speak with him . I knocked on the door and opened it . I asked him why he did this to our family . He said he didn 't know why . I shoved his cell phone in his face and said I had no more use for it . He took his phone and broke it in two pieces . Our brief conversation ended there and I went back to the room where our son was peacefully sleeping in our bed . I had to think of our son before anything else . I finally fell asleep but I woke up to the sound of my fiancé entering our room . I kept my eyes closed , I did not want to talk anymore . I could feel him looking at me and our son sleeping . I heard him kiss our son and I followed his footsteps with my ears . He was watching me . My heart was beating so fast , and once again I was choking back tears . My mind just kept repeating " please leave , please leave " . I felt his breath against my face as he kissed my forehead . I still pretended to be asleep . As soon as he left the room , I broke down and began to cry . I tried so hard to be strong and not let my emotions take over , however , I couldn 't hold it in anymore . I still loved this man and it crushed me knowing we were no longer going to be a family . I cannot tell you what he was thinking while he watched us sleeping but if I could read his mind , I would bet it was regret . My sleep was unsound the entire night . Racing thoughts awoke me every hour . Morning came quicker than I expected and I had to get ready for work . I couldn 't believe I had to go to work and pretend as if my life wasn 't shattered into a million pieces . I went out into the livingroom and there my fiancé was asleep . I woke him up and told him to go lay in bed with our son . I could 've left him on the couch uncomfortable but a part of me still felt that sadness for him . The same sadness I felt when he smelled of urine and wanted to take a bath . He asked me if he could take me to work . He must have been desperate to even attempt to ask me that . I did not even want him to come home the night before , so why would he think I would want him to take me to work ? I told him yes . I do not know why I said yes , my mind was in a fog and thought it would give us a chance to talk . As we stood waiting for the subway to arrive , I would glance at him and disgust would consume me . I couldn 't even look at him without picturing him with her . He didn 't even look me in my eyes . I agreed to him taking me to work but when he actually was , I wished I hadn 't have said yes . It was the longest train ride and the awkward silence was deadly . We didn 't speak about anything and when we got to my job all I could say was " I can 't even look at you , you disgust me , all I keep picturing is you with her . " He once again apologized and asked if he could meet me for lunch . I told him there was no point to it but he begged me , so I said yes . Lunch was just as uncomfortable as the morning train ride . We sat down for lunch but I couldn 't eat anything . I had a perpetual lump in my throat since earlier that day and no appetite . I picked at my pizza but didn 't actual consume any of it . I asked him when the last time he slept with her was and he told me it was 2 or 3 weeks prior . I wanted to throw up and still thought it was a lie . How could I believe anything he would ever tell me again ? We finished up lunch quickly and needed to buy his older son a birthday present . As we were crossing the street he put his hand back to grab my hand and I pretended as if I didn 't see him reaching out to me . I understand it was force of habit for him but I did not want him touching me . I thought if I pretended not to see him do it , that I wouldn 't hurt his feelings by rejecting him . Isn 't that crazy ? Why should I care about his feelings ? He should feel hurt , he should feel rejected . It is a constant internal battle . Do I love him or hate him ? He walked me back to work and asked me the question of " where do we go from here ? " I told him I thought it would be best if he stayed at his sister 's house for now . I needed space and time to sort through my fluctuating emotions . With him around I felt pressured into acting like everything was okay , when it clearly wasn 't . He agreed to stay away and give me time . He asJezika 🙂 As my fiancé sat in jail , I ended the call with him wondering about the future of our relationship . I thought I knew exactly what I was going to do . I would end the relationship . How could I stay with a man who not only cheated on me but also lied to me for a year and a half ? I was never the type of woman who would tolerate being cheated on . So why was I , all of a sudden , so conflicted ? The next call I received from him was much different than the first . Instead of him stuttering in shock , he was completely humbled . At this point in my mind , there was nothing he could have said that would make me understand why he cheated , although he tried very hard to defend his actions . His words were full of desperation . He pleaded with me to believe him as he continued to tell me he loved me . He implored me to find it in my heart to not give up on our family over his mistake . All I could think of was when exactly his " relationship " with her became his " mistake " . Was it when he got arrested ? Was it when I dropped the bomb that I was aware of what was going on ? Was it when he realized I wasn 't just going to let him say he was sorry and let him walk back through the door ? Before our conversation went any further , I wanted to know how it began . I wanted to know why it began . According to him it started out as friendship . When their friendship began things at home were a bit stressful . We were planning our wedding and as we got deeper into the plans , I became more focused on the wedding . Looking back I would say preparing for the perfect wedding consumed me . The stress I was experiencing would eventually turn into arguing and the arguments gradually escalated to a point in which that 's all we did . It was during this time , he turned to her to escape the fighting at home . This is how his relationship with her grew into something more . He was explaining this to me , as if the situation at home was a justification for him to turn to her . When it was clear his explanation was not going to work with me , he scrambled to offer several other excuses . The more excuses he had , the angrier I got . One such excuse was that I was not giving him enough attention . However , my needs were also being neglected . Does the lack of attention give the right for one to cheat ? Hell no ! I remained cold and callous in my responses to him . I couldn 't let him break me . Even though I attempted to remain strong in my convictions , I still found myself listening to him . He asked could we seek counseling . Instead of rejecting the idea , I said yes . I had no idea what was making me say yes . I don 't know if it was hearing the man I loved crying or if it was because I didn 't want the other woman " winning " . She had wanted him so badly and out of spite I wouldn 't let her have him . I know , I know , it sounds crazy , but in some odd way , in this situation you can 't help feel as if you are competing . Unless you 've been in this type of situation , you won 't understand how your mind will twist your thoughts and actions . By the time I found out our son was already born , so it wasn 't as if I could walk away with a clean slate . I had to think about our son before I could think about my own feelings . As we prepared for counseling I made no promises to my fiancé . I told him that there were no guarantees I would stay with him . I told him he needed to end it with her first before I would even consider going through with counseling . I had to make sure she stayed away . I also made it very clear to him that he had to stay somewhere else for the time being . I did not want him coming home ; I couldn 't bear to see his face . He called me several times that night , until finally I told him to stop . He said he liked hearing my voice and I explained to him that I wasn 't here to comfort him . I had nothing left to say to him and just wanted him to leave me alone . He did as I asked and left me alone . My mind was racing and I didn 't know what to do . I called his cousin to speak with her . She had known about my suspicions for months . When I told her about his cheating , she didn 't seem surprised . Either she knew about it already or because we had talked about it she started to notice his odd behavior . I didn 't want my friends to know what was going on . I was embarrassed and since I didn 't really know what I was going to do , I didn 't want them to judge me if I decided to stay with him . Ironically , I didn 't want them looking at him differently , even though he deserved to be ripped to shreds . There really wasn 't much his cousin could say to me , however she was able to provide me with the support I needed at that time . After my phone call , I put my son to sleep and went through my fiance 's phone bill . I saw how many times a day he spoke with the other woman . There were so many calls to her throughout any given day . He would call me , we would hang up and he would then call her . I was disgusted and humiliated by what I saw . From the moment I discovered the affair , I hadn 't allowed myself to cry , nor did I feel like I wanted to . I was fueled with anger and felt stronger than ever . I now had the upper hand and I was the one in complete control over the fate of this relationship . The power had shifted and I was the person who was calling all the shots . I looked at my son 's beautiful face as he slept and thanked God he was too young to understand what was going on . But still I questioned whether or not he would feel the difference if his father and I were to split . Would he adjust to seeing his father every other weekend like his other kids did ? It infuriated me more knowing I was put in a position that would change my son 's life . Meanwhile , it was my fiance 's selfish actions which altered this relationship . However , the responsibility was now on me to either stay or go . Seemed a bit unfair to say the least ! It was 1 : 30 am and I couldn 't turn off my thoughts , my brain would not shut down . I kept going through the events of the day and wondering what I was going to do . I heard a noise and as I looked up at the door to the room , I saw my fiancé looking down at me . My blood boiled and raced to my head . How dare he come home ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! |
It all began with a phone call , I didn 't recognize the woman 's voice , but she told me my father was ill and in hospital . She didn 't say she thought I ought to be there by his bedside , but I got the impression that 's what she thought . It threw me , rather - I 'd been estranged from the old man ever since he abandoned me and my mother a good fifteen years ago - but the little imp on my shoulder was shouting in my ear that it was the right thing to do and he usually gets his way . I had to ask the woman on the phone which hospital , I didn 't even know which town he lived in . So I found myself searching through the labyrinth that is the Royal United Hospital in Bath , looking for the man I used to call Father . Eventually I found him , in a green and cream painted room on his own . I hardly recognized him , he looked smaller , thinner , paler and a lot older . His hair had receded a lot , it was pepper - and - salt , not the glossy black I remembered , and his face was heavily lined and his forehead wrinkled . And he was coughing gobbets of phlegm into one of those kidney - shaped bowls . I remembered them made of enamelled metal , but this one appeared to be cardboard , or papier maché . My mind went wandering , I thought wouldn 't the bowl dissolve when the moisture soaked through ? Perhaps it was easier to worry about the bowl than to face up to my father looking like that . His coughing fit subsided and he looked up and saw me , standing just inside the door . He squinted , reached for his spectacles on the bedside table and put them on . He squinted again , frowned , and then drove a metaphorical knife into my chest and twisted it . He said : " Who the hell are you ? " He started coughing again . I picked up his disgusting cardboard bowl and held it for him while he added to its contents . " I got a phone call , from some woman . She told me you were here . " He grunted . " That would be Jo . Josephine . She said your mother ought to know I 'm here . None of her business if you ask me . " " Ha ! Still living at home , tied to your mother 's apron strings , are you ? Namby pamby brat . I knew you 'd never amount to anything . How old are you now ? Twenty ? " " What kind of a man would do that ? You left Mother to bring me up on her own , she had to go back to work . The least you could have done was send her some money each month . " He just turned his head away and ignored me so I left him to stew in his own juice . At the door I turned and told him " You can 't get away with abusing me any more , old man . I 'm a lot bigger and stronger than you now . It wouldn 't do you any harm to remember that . " And I closed the door after me . When I got back to his room after having a sandwich in the hospital 's café they wouldn 't let me in - apparently the consultant was in with him . So I waited in the corridor until the door opened and a middle - aged dumpy woman in twin set and pearls came out , followed by half a dozen young people in white coats looking scared . With admirable presence of mind in the circumstances , I called out " Excuse me ! " " He has pneumonia , has nobody told you ? Both lungs . A complication of the cancer . We 're doing what we can for him , but he 's in poor shape . " " We really don 't know , at this stage . I 'm sorry . Heavy smoking has taken its toll and his immune system is weakened . We 're not sure he 'll be able to fight off the infection , and we can 't begin treating the cancer while he has pneumonia . " Had I known he was a smoker ? I dredged my memory and couldn 't remember him smoking at home . But it was a long time ago , maybe I 'd forgotten . " You 're welcome . " Her expression belied her words . As she and her gaggle of disciples disappeared down the corridor I took a deep breath and opened the door into Father 's room . He was lying flat , his arms out of the bedclothes along his sides and his eyes closed . I approached the bed , pulling a plastic chair with me to sit on . His lips moved . I looked around the room . Apart from the bedside cabinet there was nothing that might contain personal possessions , so I looked in there , and found a pile of neatly folded clothes and , on top , a small collection of items perhaps removed from the trousers pocket . There was a penknife , a cigarette lighter , a grubby hankie , some loose change and a black leather wallet that had seen better days . No cigarettes , I noticed - but perhaps they 'd have been taken away in case he smoked them . " Here it is . " I gave it to him , and he opened it , fumbled around and handed me a dog - eared scrap of paper . " Jo 's phone number . Call her . " " Bloody hell , boy , do as you 're told - go phone her now before it 's too late ! " He said more , but he was mumbling to himself . I thought I caught something like " I 'd have taught him better discipline , at the end of a belt . His mother 's let him run wild " . I chose to ignore that , but I left the room without saying goodbye . All through the latter half of my childhood I 'd carried a chip on my shoulder , resentment that my father had walked out on me . School friends had fathers who did things with them , not often but they were at least there . I had a mother who was far too busy to take time out to go camping with me , or take me to football matches . I went with other boys and their fathers , so I guess I didn 't really miss out , but it wasn 't the same . Now I began to see that maybe I 'd been wrong all along . Maybe I , and my mother , had been better off without the old sourpuss . I walked back to the car in the car park where I 'd left my phone and phoned the number on my father 's bit of paper . It rang for a while and I was about to kill the call when it was answered . " Who 's this and what do you want ? " " Oh , hello Christopher . I prefer Jo . Sorry - you caught me at a bad time - the dog 's just knocked over a flower pot . How is your father ? " My opinion of her began to change . " Yes , well , I thought I should . Did you know I haven 't seen him in fifteen years ? " " As long as that ? Bloody hell ! I knew there was a wife and son somewhere but I didn 't know it was that long . He doesn 't talk about it - actually he 's pretty anti - social all round . He 's had everyone 's back up at one time or another on the water . We keep our distance . " She snickered . " I wouldn 't say that . But we all look out for each other , even a curmudgeon like your father . Sorry , I shouldn 't talk about him like that to you . You must have been a child when he left . " You 'd best come and see . You 'll be needing somewhere to sleep anyway , no point booking into a hotel . Have you got a car ? " " Er , no . . . the canal berths don 't have postcodes . Look , I 'll meet you in the Dog and Blanket , you 'll find that on your SatNav easy enough . Half an hour ? " The pub was easy to find , she was right . Google didn 't turn up too many with that name . It occurred to me as I walked through the door into the cheery interior that I didn 't know what Jo looked like and she didn 't know me either . I needn 't have worried , I was immediately accosted by a petite young woman with sparkling mischievous eyes , a bright captivating smile and what I can best describe as wild hair . Not exactly dreadlocks , it was nevertheless more bird 's nest than coiffure , and it suited her perfectly . She wasn 't at all what I 'd expected . That hurt , I must admit , I 'd only just left him and what he looked like I wouldn 't wish on my worst enemy . " I hope not ! I 'm a year or two younger for one thing . " " Oh , you know what I mean - there 's a strong family resemblance . Your father 's old before his time , I think . He can 't be sixty yet , but he does look older , doesn 't he ? He hasn 't looked after himself . " " It 's his home . He lives on a narrowboat . So do I . " She paused , glanced at me and continued " not the same boat , of course . CART , that 's the Canal and River Trust , sets rules for mooring and without an agreed permit you can 't stay in one place for more than fourteen days . Your father 's boat has been where it is for eleven days now . You 'll have to take her to his new berth . It 's not far , just the other side of Bath . " " The other side of . . . but that 's miles ! I couldn 't possibly . . . I don 't know anything about narrowboats . Can 't I pay someone to do it ? Would you do it ? " She smirked at me . " No , do it yourself . There 's nothing to it . Even the greenest grockle picks it up in no time , ask the holiday operators . Come on , I 'll take you down to the boat . Bring your things , you can settle yourself in . " I didn 't think I 'd be settling in , so didn 't collect my bag from my car , just followed as she led the way , out of the pub and down a footpath through some allotments and onto the towpath of a canal that I hadn 't even noticed before . All along the near bank of the canal were long narrow boats , moored nose to stern as far as the eye could see . Most were beautifully and brightly painted in greens and blues , gold outlined decorative panels with intricate scenes painted on them . So , my father lived on a narrowboat . Wonders never cease . I couldn 't think of anything I 'd like less than living in cramped conditions like a caravan , but with added damp . Yuck . Still if it was too awful I could always fall back on plan B and book into a hotel . Jo came to a halt beside one of the longer boats . It looked to be in fairly good nick , with nice paintwork in brown and red , but without much in the way of ornament . She stepped across the gap onto the rear deck and took a key out of her pocket to unlock the door to the interior - the companionway she called it . By the time I had joined her inside she had lights on and I was amazed to find how much space there was inside . Plenty of headroom , and although it was narrow the length made up for it - it seemed to go on forever . She dropped the key in my hand and ran back up the companionway . " Got to let the dog out . Come over to me in two hours and I 'll feed you . I 'm the next boat along . The Mary Rose . " I spent the two hours exploring the boat which was much more comfortable than I was expecting . I took a walk back through the allotments to where I 'd parked the car on the street beside the pub , and collected my overnight bag , and lugged it back to the boat . Then I changed my shirt and gave my face a splash in the bathroom before heading along the towpath to the Mary Rose and Jo . When I stepped aboard her boat , I rather expected that she would hear my footfall and come to the door - or was it hatch ? - to greet me , but instead I was welcomed on board by the most beautiful border collie I 'd ever seen , with an almost pure - white head and chest and paws , and glossy black back and upper legs , and light blue eyes that looked almost ghostly on a dog . I was enchanted and made a bit of a fuss of the dog , so that Jo found me crouched down petting the dog and unaware of her presence until she spoke . " If you 're going to flirt with my dog I 'll have to break up with you . " " Napoleon . He likes you , not everyone gets a welcome like that . But your spag bol will be overcooked if you don 't come down this instant . " " Yes , Ma ' am . " Jo 's boat was very different inside than Father 's . Chintzy , with a lot of gingham , bows and ribbons , and soft toys and ornaments everywhere . Feminine décor . Like Father 's , though , the boat felt spacious , homely and not at all damp . I was going to have to revise my prejudices . The spaghetti bolognese was delicious . It wasn 't until after the meal was over and cleared away and we were sitting comfortably on her sofa with cups of coffee that I asked her to tell me about moving Father 's boat . She fetched a map . " We 're here , and you need to get to there . It 'll take you about two hours and you 'll get to see Bath from an unusual viewpoint . You 'll love it . " She went on to tell me and show me , how to work a narrowboat . It all looked pretty simple the way she explained it . Operating locks sounded a bit more complicated and she spent some time explaining what you do until I thought I 'd got the idea . I did ask if she would do it for me , or at least come with me , but she poo - poohed the suggestion and promised me it would be easy . She lent me the map , so I knew she expected to see me again , and I returned to Father 's boat a bit easier in my mind about the task ahead . You can 't turn a sixty foot narrowboat around on a twenty foot wide canal so there are turning pools at various points , big circular basins for turning the boats . Father 's boat was pointing the wrong way so I was going to have to head off in the wrong direction till I came to one of these pools , turn , and then come back and onwards to the new berth . I slept surprisingly soundly . I don 't usually do well the first night away from home , but I suppose I must have been pretty tired after a long and emotionally draining day . So I awoke on the Thursday morning to bright sunshine streaming through the window , I 'd forgotten to pull the curtains the night before . I found cereal and in the fridge a bottle of milk that hadn 't passed its sell - by date , and then clambered up the companionway and found the boat 's controls , which were very similar to those on Jo 's boat . I tried starting the engine . It fired immediately and settled to a muted rumble . I noticed the exhaust outlet low on the side of the hull spitting water . I hoped that was normal . I phoned the hospital , they said Father 'd had a bad night , they 'd given him something to help him rest . I decided I 'd leave him to rest , I thought it 'd be better if next time I visited him I could tell him I 'd moved his boat . Casting off was going to be a challenge . I ran along the towpath to the bow rope and untied it , throwing it aboard , and then gave the boat a gentle shove to set it slowly poking its nose into the middle of the canal . Then I ran back , all sixty feet back , to the stern , untied the rope there and jumped back aboard complete with rope before the boat drifted away from the bank . Now I had to engage gear and get the boat moving , because the rudder wouldn 't work until the boat had some headway . I felt proud of myself for getting this far without mishap , and also for knowing the word headway . But it would have been a lot easier with someone to help . It was a different matter when I arrived at the turning pool - I realised I had no idea how to turn such a long boat in its own length . When the boat 's moving forward , you can use the tiller to turn the rudder which in turn changes the boat 's direction . But to turn the boat at a standstill , I had no idea how to go about it . Maybe you go forwards a little and then backwards a little , turning the rudder this way and that until you 've made your turn ? That 's what I tried , but I rather magnificently failed . I hadn 't taken into consideration the current . In the canal the flow of water was very slow and easy to miss . By the time I 'd got the boat broadside on to the current , it began moving sideways downstream . And the area wide enough to turn the boat in was quite short , a roughly circular pool , so it wasn 't long before the boat was jammed between the two banks , her bow dug in on one side and her stern dug in on the other . I was trying to shift it with the engine , going from full ahead to full astern and back , but I was only making things worse , when a knight on a white charger rode up and offered to help me out . It 's possible I was a little affected by the drama , but a very good - looking man certainly did appear , and he certainly did drop his white bicycle on the towpath and leap aboard my boat , barked at me to cut off the engine , and carried on along the gunwale to the bow , where he found a long rope in a locker and tied it to the bow mooring rope as an extension . Then he paid it out as he carried it back with him to the stern of the boat , and jumped back onto the towpath with the end of the rope and fed it through a steel ring I hadn 't noticed , set into a big concrete block at the water 's edge . Then he began heaving on the rope and yelled at me to come and help . Between us we managed to pull the bow of the narrowboat off the far bank and little by little swung it around until eventually we had it neatly moored and pointing in the right direction . Exhausted , I turned to my rescuer . " Thank you . Don 't know what I 'd have done without you . " I was out of breath , couldn 't say any more . I bent and supported my weight with my arms on my thighs and panted for a minute . He was not so puffed , but politely stood waiting for me to catch my breath . While I couldn 't talk , I could look up at him and grin . It wasn 't difficult , he was easy to grin at . Tall , lean , broad - shouldered , ginger , freckled and with a narrow strip of beard defining a square chin he was gorgeous to look at . I looked . He was wearing white shorts and a navy t - shirt , and open sandals . No socks . His elegant legs had a fine coat of that blond hair that disappears against fair skin and so tempts you to stroke it . When I could speak I introduced myself as Christopher , and I found out his name in return . Marcus , which seemed wrong , somehow , but he assured me that was his name . I invited him on board for a beer , thinking Father was bound to have a supply in the fridge , but then I couldn 't find any alcohol on the boat at all , so he had to settle for a cup of tea . I managed bourbon biscuits . Once I 'd poured the tea and offered a biscuit we sat and chatted . " I 've been wondering what 's happened to Hilary Ferguson ? This is his boat , and now you 've got it ? He hasn 't sold it has he ? " " No the boat still belongs to him , but he 's in hospital with pneumonia . I 'm looking after it till he 's better . I 'm his son . " " Until yesterday I didn 't know where he was . Never knew he was living on a boat . He left when I was a child , and we lost touch . " I liked Marcus , and was very attracted to him . It turned out he had his own boat moored near my berth and was as much a part of the waterside community as Jo . After downing his tea he made his excuses and left , and I watched him pedalling along the towpath until he rounded the corner . The back view of him on his bicycle was somehow fascinating . I made myself a sandwich and sat out on the foredeck to eat it . Jo poked her head through her companionway and hailed me . " You made the turn okay , then ? Not pressing on to the new berth ? " I wasn 't sure what she was getting at . " What was I supposed to think ? I was , I hope , appropriately grateful . He got me out of a fix . " When we got to the hospital just before seven , the room Father 'd been in was empty , they 'd clearly moved him so we went back to reception to ask where to find him . At first I thought the receptionist was being unnecessarily unhelpful when she replied to my question with " If you 'd just like to wait in the seating area over there , Mr Ferguson , one of the medical staff will be out to see you shortly . " - but I had Jo with me , so I decided meekly to do as I was told . There were chairs , and a table . I sat down . Jo came up and put her hand on my shoulder , and the medic was telling me he was sorry for my loss and would I like to see the hospital chaplain , but I 'd gone sort of numb . Eventually I pulled myself together enough to ask about the death certificate , which apparently would be available for me or the undertaker to collect the next day . So the next thing to do was to find an undertaker . I could google it , but I had no idea where I 'd put my phone . Jo got me back to the car , put me in the passenger seat and she drove back to the canal . I hardly noticed , but her driving style was . . . unusual . More enthusiasm than skill . I 'm not complaining - she got me back to the boat , and sent me straight to bed with a mug of hot chocolate laced with whisky . I slept soundly until the sun woke me . Jo came in and made breakfast for both of us and I found my phone and then used it to find an undertaker and gave them the details . It was a relief to feel I 'd done what I could and could leave the rest to the professionals . I told Jo I would move the boat , just as I 'd planned to do when Father was alive . His fourteen days would run out just the same , alive or dead . She didn 't argue , perhaps she thought it would give me something to take my mind off the tragedy . I thought so too , and I hadn 't yet worked out how I felt about it . He was my father , but I didn 't know him . Once Jo had returned to her own boat I started the engine and then ran along the towpath to cast off the forward rope , and then ran back and leaped aboard before the boat drifted away from the bank too far . I put the gear into reverse , and then once the bow was sufficiently far away from the bank that it was clear of the Mary Rose , I put the gear into forward and the boat began to go forward , only to come to a jarring halt accompanied by a tinkling noise . I spun around to the source of the noise just in time to see a shiny yellow object fall from the boat behind mine into the water with a distinct plop . Only then did I realise that I had forgotten to cast off my rear rope , and it had slipped over the stern of the boat behind mine , over its tiller , and then when I 'd gone into forward gear it had neatly flipped the tiller pin out of its hole in the tiller extension and sent it spinning down against the gunwale of the boat , making the sound I 'd heard , and bounced from there into the water . My state of mind wasn 't anywhere near normal , and I just mechanically did what had to be done . I did at least have the presence of mind to realise I had to re - moor the bow of the boat if I didn 't want her to swing broadside across the canal , and did so . Then I got the grappling hook and began prodding about on the bed of the canal , hoping to feel the tiller pin and retrieve it . I stopped when a voice behind me commanded " Stop that ! " " Marcus . This is your boat ? Look , your tiller pin 's gone in the canal . I 'll buy you a new one , I 'm sorry but I seem to have hooked it with my mooring rope , and it 's dropped in the water . I was just trying to see if I could retrieve it , but it 's my fault and I 'll buy you a new one . Sorry . " I tailed off . " If you prod around on the bottom it 'll sink into the mud . It 's a very soft bottom . Better to feel for it with your hands . " He inched forwards until I had to hold his ankles down to prevent him pivoting into the canal , and then he plunged head - first into the muddy water , down to his waist while I clung on to his slim ankles for dear life and admired the shape of his calves and and the way his gluteus maximus muscles worked under their denim covering . He came up for air twice empty - handed before the third time waving the brass and steel object , and with a tremendous effort which rippled his stomach muscles he swung himself and his prize back up onto the grassy slope , and sat there triumphantly smiling , wet and muddy . " Can I use your shower ? " " Sure , of course . And thank you . I 'm sorry you had to do that . Don 't you have a shower on your boat ? " " Well , I will have , but at the moment she 's half - finished . I 'm re - fitting her throughout and she 's just a big open space with a bed at one end and a cooker at the other at the moment . Your father was letting me use his bathroom and as you can see I need to use it again now . " We went below and he disappeared into the bathroom . Some minutes later he re - appeared , wet and with a towel around his waist , and I offered him a cup of tea . While I brewed it , he unselfconsciously pulled his towel from his waist and began to use it to dry himself , and then pulled his jeans back on . He really was stunningly beautiful and I nearly scalded myself with hot tea . We sat and drank our tea at opposite ends of my father 's sofa . He put his feet up on the coffee table and we talked . He offered to come with me to help get the boat to its new berth , and I accepted , thinking how glad I 'd be of his help , especially through the lock , and how much I would enjoy his company on the trip . By the time we 'd finished our second cups I was feeling so comfortable that I was reminded of cosy evenings with mother . She liked me to take her feet into my lap and massage them while we watched TV , and I reached for Marcus ' legs and swung them around into my lap , and idly massaged his feet for a while , and when I had an impulse to stroke the blond hairs on his calves I just did it , without thinking , and Marcus accepted my attentions , settling a little deeper into his seat and making little appreciative noises . And then reality hit . I suddenly realised how intimate I was being with a virtual stranger , and the liberties I was taking , and the assumptions I 'd made , and I reflexively pushed his feet off my lap . They landed on the floor , jolting him out of his relaxation and producing an sound from him that might have been " What ? " but might equally well have been " Erk . " " I 'm so sorry , " I began , but by now it had all become too much , my father 's death , the bloody tiller pin , Marcus , and my face screwed up . I couldn 't help it , the misery swept through me and my shoulders began to shake , and then in a delayed reaction the tears came . I tried to turn away , to hide my emotional response from Marcus but he instantly slid along the sofa to my side and pulled me to him and hugged me . After fighting back an instinct to resist , I went with it and pushed my face against his naked shoulder and cried freely . I bawled until the tears dried , and gradually came to realise he was talking to me , speaking softly into my ear , things like " There , there , you have a good cry . It 's okay , let it all out , you 'll feel better for it " - and I fell in love with him , I think , then and there . He had no idea what I was crying about but was saying all the right things anyway . Once I got my voice back I did explain that my father had just died and it had only just hit me . It seemed important to tell him too that I thought I wasn 't crying in grief for my father , but in grief for the relationship with him that I didn 't have and now never would have . He seemed to know just the right thing to do - he kissed me . He 's such a sweet man . Well , one thing led to another and we ended up in bed where we stayed until the next morning . That night , having his arms and legs wrapped around me was exactly what I needed . He was wonderful , so supportive , he took charge , getting the boat moved , liaising with the funeral people , sorting out refreshments for afterwards at the Dog and Blanket , finding the will and getting all that side of it sorted out with a solicitor . I couldn 't have done it without him . The funeral was very touching - a lot of the canal people were there including Jo of course , and Mother came down too , and met Marc . She likes him , she says , although it 's quite a wrench for her , now that I 've flown the nest at last . It turned out I was the sole beneficiary in Father 's will , I got everything he owned , which meant his overdraft - and the boat . According to the will she was called ' Tenby Princess ' and Mother says they lived in Tenby when they first met , and that he used to call her his princess - so maybe the old man had some romance in him still . But the canal people just call the boat Ten , because Father never finished painting her name on her bows , and on one side she still has the three letters TEN painted in gold on a red background . Jo says Father had talked about painting her different colour schemes on one side and on the other , and giving her two different names , so he could stay longer in one place just by turning her around . I don 't know if he was serious about that . After Marcus came to my rescue we never really parted and have been together ever since . We smartened the Tenby Princess up a bit and now we hire her out by the week to grockles . Marc and I have finished the re - fit of his boat Bootle Bumtrinket ( it 's a literary reference ) and she makes a perfect home for two . So that , dear reader , is the story of how I first met my husband - it all began with turning Ten . |
The hole was looking better than any hole she 'd ever dug before . By now it was twice as tall as she was and the walls were almost perfectly vertical . They formed a circle six feet in diameter . The dirt was solid and held together well , and when she looked up she could see roots sticking out of the sides like bony fingers and bits of hair . He wheezed and moaned as he approached , and her first reaction was anger . Why would people not leave her alone ? She went out of her way not to be in theirs . She had tramped back through these woods for twenty minutes before she picked this spot to dig . She knew people didn 't like her . It was because of the fire , what the flames had done . The doctor said he could fix her face , but Pappy said that even if he had that kind of money he wouldn 't spend it on a kid that wasn 't even his . Momma didn 't like it when Pappy said that , but Momma was in prison after the fire , so she was with Pappy and that was that . Pappy said she was a monster . " Like some freak out of some horror movie , ain 't she ? " he 'd told his friends one night when they were getting drunk and loud . Molly knew all about horror movies . She had watched them all the time when Momma was around . She had a big binder full of DVDs that had belonged to Momma and late at night after Pappy had gone to bed she would sit in her room and watch guts splatter and the blood spray until she couldn 't keep her eyes open any more . The moaning got louder , and Molly started to worry . She took the rusty shovel she 'd found in Pappy 's old tool shed and tossed it out over her head . Then she grabbed the knotted rope she 'd tied to a tree , and pulled herself out . She was still climbing out of the hole , legs scrabbling against dirt , hands clenching the rope when she saw the zombie . It was only twenty feet away , but it was facing away from her , maybe staring after some squirrel that it had seen skittering through the leaves . But this zombie was alone . In the movies zombies came in big packs that would surround the heroes and try to eat them . That 's what made them so dangerous . But one zombie alone … even she could deal with him . She climbed out of the hole as quietly as possible , and picked up the shovel . It was too big for her , and the zombie was taller than she , but she thought she stood a decent chance of bashing in its skull if she got a good swing going . She adjusted her grip on the handle . The zombie still hadn 't moved , hadn 't noticed her standing there . The thing turned , groaned , lurched toward her arms out . So this was a proper slow zombie then , and not one of the running ones . Momma always said that the fast ones weren 't really zombies , but Molly thought that it probably didn 't matter really as long as the person had been dead and now they were alive again . Staying out of its reach was easy enough . She could walk faster than the poor shambling thing , never mind running . She raised the shovel for the killing blow as the dead man shambled toward her , but something gave her pause . He was wearing dirty blue jeans and a shirt for a band called the Insane Clown Pose . She 'd seen some of Momma 's old friends with the same shirt . Momma didn 't like the band , which Molly never understood , because she thought Insane Clown Pose sounded like the name of a great scary movie . She kept her eyes on it , backing away slowly , leading it on toward the hole . When she reached the edge of the pit she skirted around the hole as close as she dared without falling in . The zombie lurched onward . If it was smart it would go around the pit and she 'd have to lead it back around and knock it in with a branch or the handle of the shovel . But she didn 't have to worry . The zombie stumbled straight forward and fell down into the hole . It landed with a grunt and a raw snapping sound that wasn 't quite like anything she 'd heard in the movies . She tiptoed back to the edge of the pit and looked in , worried that the zombie might have hit his head too hard and split his skull open , but when she looked down into the hole she saw that the zombie had only broken his arm . The bone was sticking out of the rotted flesh at an odd angle , but she 'd seen worse before , and anyway everyone knew that zombies didn 't use their arms for much anyway . She sat down cross - legged at the edge of the hole , and watched as the zombie scrabbled dumbly at the earthen sides of its prison . " You can 't get out you know , " she said . " And anyway if you did someone would shoot you . " " Not much good being one zombie is it ? " she continued . " I mean , I 'm only a little girl and you 're not much danger at all . You 're supposed to come in big hoards . " She tossed a twig into the pit . " You like that word ? ' Hoards ' ? It means a big bunch of people or creatures . I saw it in one of mommy 's scary movies . " " What happened to your hoard ? " Suzy asked . " Did they leave you ? Were they taken away ? My Momma was taken away after the big fire . Pappy says she 's in prison for cooking something , but that 's silly because Momma couldn 't cook to save her life . " The girl sighed and leaned back looking at the leaves rustling overhead . " Maybe you never had a hoard , " she said . " Maybe you 're the first . You know what that means ? That means you 're unique , and unique means special . You 're the only zombie in the whole wide world and I found you . " From far away she heard the sound of Pappy calling her name . " You stay here , " she said . " I have to go now , but I 'll come tomorrow and bring you something to eat . " Pappy sent her to bed early that night , but she lay there awake for more than an hour thinking about zombie . She knew zombies didn 't get lonely , or worried or scared , but she thought that maybe her zombie did . Just a little . And it made her sad to think of him out there scraping against the dirt walls of the pit all by himself in the dark . The next day , school took forever . Scotty Preston pushed her into some bushes and Laura Darcy and Stacy Stiles laughed and called her trailer trash . She waited until they couldn 't see her before she let herself cry . When the bus pulled up on her road she almost tripped on the bottom step she was in such a hurry . But she didn 't go straight into the woods . Instead she swerved off the path to the left where old man Jenkins mobile home sat , half - buried in a pile of old trash bags . A colony of rats had infested the heap , burrowing tunnels through the thin plastic bags and rotting food like huge ants . Molly liked the rats . Momma had sometimes watched movies where princesses in beautiful dresses had singing and talking rats for friends . Molly didn 't like these movies as much as the ones with the monsters and the zombies , but she liked idea of talking rats and sometimes when she was bored she would come down the lane and talk to the rats . The rats never talked back , though Molly couldn 't be sure if this was because they didn 't know how or simply didn 't want to talk to someone as scary looking as her . Today , she merely waved and said " Hello rats ! " as she passed the mound of trash . She marched right up onto the porch where Mr . Jenkin 's cat Captain Tinkles was lounging in the sun . Captain Tinkles probably wasn 't his real name , but Molly had never heard Mr . Jenkins call him much of anything other than " lazy cat " and saying " Captain Tinkles " made her laugh . Captain Tinkles was sitting on the porch , watching the rat mound with a look of practiced disinterest . He barely turned his head when Molly walked up and said , " Hello Mr . Tinkles . " But when she wrapped her arms around him and tried to stuff him into her backpack the formerly lazy cat fought and clawed at her arms so much that eventually she gave up on using the bag and decided to carry him instead . Captain Tinkles didn 't particularly like being carried , but Molly suspected that the rats didn 't particularly like being eaten and that had never stopped Captain Tinkles , so she didn 't see why it should stop her either . The cat scratched at her arms all the way back into the woods , but she kept a firm grip around his body . If she lost him now she 'd be all afternoon chasing him down again , and there was a spelling test she needed to study for and Pappy wouldn 't like it if she came home too late . Captain Tinkles seemed to sense that something was very wrong indeed here and began to scratch and squirm more than ever . But Molly held on tight to the cat and held him out over the pit . The zombie turned its head up and gave a low groan and Molly dropped the cat into the hole . Captain Tinkles put up a pretty good fight . He ran circles in the bottom of the hole for a while , and because the zombie was slow he couldn 't catch him at first . He tried a couple of times to climb up the side of the hole , but his paws couldn 't find purchase in the dirt wall and he sank back to the bottom both times . It wasn 't long after that the zombie caught him . Captain Tinkles rowled and thrashed in the zombie 's rotting arms . He swiped out with his claws and tore off half of the zombies nose , but the zombie didn 't much seem to mind . He tore into Captain Tinkles ' soft stomach with yellowed teeth and ripped out chunks of bloody fur . After a while Captain Tinkles stopped thrashing . That night she ate microwaved pizza in her bed and watched an old movie about birds that killed people and took over the world . It was in black and white and the gore wasn 't as good and nasty as it was in a lot of movies , but she watched it all the way through . Pappy was out tonight and there was no one to yell at her to turn off the lights and go to bed . When the movie was over she got out a piece of paper and wrote down what had happened in the movie . Then , she wrote about the zombie in the hole because she thought that might be interesting too . When she was done she put the letter in an envelope and put Momma 's prison address on it . The next day she was on her hands and knees looking under the soda machines at school for enough quarters to buy a stamp with when someone kicked her hard in the backside and sent her sprawling forward so her face hit the ground hard . Her lip split open and started to bleed and hot tears welled up in her eyes . She tried to get up and fight back , but he pushed her back down and ran away laughing . In the bathroom she held a wad of paper towels against her lip until the bleeding slowed . She didn 't like it in the bathroom . There were too many mirrors . " That 's not who I am , " she would tell herself , but she saw the way that people didn 't want to look at her , even nice people , and she wasn 't so sure . Maybe Scotty and the rest of the kids were right to be mean to her . On TV the good people were always beautiful . Only evil people were ugly . When she got home Pappy was drunk . He was waving a piece of paper around and yelling and cursing a lot . He seemed sort of mad at her , but he was crying too , and between the blubbering and slurred words he was hard to understand so she took the paper he was waving around and read it . Molly didn 't cry . She wanted to , but she didn 't . She though of the face in the mirror . She couldn 't imagine that face crying . Monsters didn 't cry . She paused for a moment trying to think what she could say that would budge him out of his drunken stupor , finally settling for , " There 's a man . He fell in a hole in the woods and he can 't get out . He 's hurt real bad . " She led him back into the woods . She was worried it would be hard to push him into the hole with her zombie . Then she thought of her dead Momma and the face and the mirror and all the mean things Pappy had said about her . She waited until the screams died out and then walked back to the house . She walked to Mr . Jenkins trailer and knocked on the door . She said , " Mr . Jenkins I think my dad is hurt . " Now the hole was getting crowded . She went to Pappy 's old shed and got a ladder . The sun was starting to go down by the time she dragged it back out and let it down into the hole . She waited to make sure the three groaning zombies were smart enough to climb out then she ran back toward the house as fast as she could . A little later she heard screams and the crack of gunshots coming from down the drive . She turned up the volume and kept watching . But before the movie was over her eyes grew heavy and she fell into sleep . The sun shone down from a perfect blue sky , and the warm breeze tugged playfully at the collar of his shirt . Roger took a deep breath and let it out . It occurred to him he was very close to being happy , and he tried to remember the last time he had felt this way . Not for more than four weeks weeks . Not since - The phone rang . The sound carried through the window Roger had opened to let the spring air into the house , clanging alarm - bell urgent in his ears . His heart jumped in his chest , and he felt a familiar terror begin to claw at his gut . He squeezed his eyes shut and shoved his fingers in his ears like child , but he could still hear the sound , dim and distant , braying its accusation at him . " Go away , " he whispered . " Please just go away . It 's not my fault . It isn 't ME you want . I didn 't do it . " It was only twenty dollars , but he had been saving it , hiding it really , planning to splurge on something nice . And now it was gone . Because of her . Back at home he installed the filter in the pump and set it running . He poured the various quantities of chemicals into the pool , imagining himself a mad scientist preparing deadly toxic goo in a huge cauldron . But when he looked down into the green water he saw a kind of darkness there that he did not like . But he was struck with the strange superstition that the person on the other end of the line knew he was there . It was silly of course . It was only coincidence that the phone had begun ringing at that moment , the very moment his foot had crossed the threshold of the door . " Hello , am I speaking with Mr . Gabriel ? " The voice on the other end of the line was young and sweet . Too young . Too sweet . Roger thought again of the girl who had checked him out at the supermarket . When had the world gotten so young ? Roger felt something snap in his mind , his carefully - measured restraint breaking with what he almost believed was an audible popping sound . " It 's not FAIR ! " he shouted , suddenly past caring what this girl thought of him . " I didn 't do it . Not one red cent . I tried to stop her . I tried to tell her to be careful , but she wouldn 't listen . And YOU … " " … you put it in front of her like a pile of candy in front of a child . What did you think she was going to do ? Did you think she would show self restraint ? Did you think she would stop ? With a wallet full of free money and those wonderfully low minimum payments . You 're all nothing more than loan sharks , you hear me ? With big names and legal departments instead of guns . Well you 're going to have to transfer that account , Samantha . You 're going to have to send your legal goons after me to break my kneecaps . Because there is NOTHING … LEFT ! " His voice had pitched up into a shriek , and he slammed the phone down into the receiver and sank down to the floor , his shoulders shaking with grief and rage . When the phone rang again he ripped it from its mooring and hurled it across the room . It landed with a satisfying clatter , made a final lonely , " ting " sound and fell silent . But that wouldn 't stop them , he knew , it wouldn 't even slow them down . There were other ways they could get at him . So he got up and returned the phone to its place . Temper tantrums were for children . He had to be better than that . She looked up at him , her eyes momentarily wide with surprise . " You 're home early , " she said , an uncertain smile playing across her face . " Is everything okay ? " " Everything 's fine , " Roger said . " Fine . It was - well you know how nice the weather 's been lately , and we finished early on the project we were working on , so I asked Mr . Howard , and he said that it would be okay with him if I , you know , knocked off early . " He was aware that his words were running into one another , and his palms were sweating , but Stephanie didn 't take any notice . Finally , around three in the morning , after hanging somewhere between a nightmare and the terror of his conscious imagination he slipped quietly out of bed and went outside . He had thought only to get a lungful of fresh air , but once he was out there in the dark he heard the pump running and found himself climbing the stairs to the wooden deck that surrounded the pool . He stood there for a long time watching the moonlight flickering off the dark water . He pushed off the ladder , lay back in the water , and looked up at the stars overhead . If he held his head just so all he could see was the black starry sky . He could imagine himself drifting slowly , forever through an endless ocean , peaceful , suspended beneath a glittering black firmament . He thrashed about in a sudden panic , and for a moment his head dipped below the surface . He kicked over to the edge of the pool where he clung to the ladder , shaking . He looked down into the water , eyes searching for the familiar blue nylon and finding only blackness instead . It couldn 't be . Someone had … what ? Dug out the bottom of his pool and filled it with water again ? It didn 't make any sense . It simply ended . He could feel the edge of the thin strip of nylon and beyond it , impossibly , was more water . He pulled himself up toward the surface , mind reeling , and just then he felt something scrape against his foot , something rough and jagged like sandpaper . He looked down and caught a glimpse of a ghostly white shape , and then he was heaving himself up and out of the pool , collapsing on the deck , clinging to it , something solid . Something familiar . Of course it wasn 't real . He 'd been under a lot of stress . He was tired . His mind was prone to … tricks . That 's all this was . A trick . Nothing more . He shut his eyes and felt his teeth clench together . " When I was younger , I used to think one day I 'd be some sort of artist , " he said , forcing calm into his voice . " I was never very good with paints , but I did some good stuff with pencils and charcoal . " She laughed then , not a mocking laugh , but a sound of true mirth , and somehow that cut him even deeper . " I can 't imagine you as an artist , " she said . " And I certainly can 't imagine myself as an artist 's wife . " When he 'd met Stephanie he 'd thought she was the most beautiful thing he 'd ever seen . Now , even after ten years of marriage , he still thought so . But he had learned that if you wanted to pay with the shiniest toy in the store you had to pay the price . She was ten years younger than him . And that had been ten years ago . The years had been kind to her . She was the same perfect creature she had been when she first caught his eye . He had not been so blessed . At thirty he had been vaguely handsome , his gut only slightly thicker than it should be , his hair only showing the first signs of thinning . Now he was downright pudgy and wisps of what was left of his hair drifted over his scalp like winter clouds . Once , last year when he and Stephanie had been out on a date night someone had mistaken her for his daughter . If Carl had been a more cynical man he might have thought of his wife as a gold digger , but that line of thought didn 't ring true . He hadn 't been even close to the biggest fish in her pond when it came to money . She 'd fallen in love with him because he 'd worked very hard to make her fall in love with him . Then he was scratching , scribbling , scrawling on a wrinkled napkin , the point of the pen ripping through the thin paper leaving shreds of the material hanging like tattered ribbons of flesh . When he was done the napkin was covered in ink from corner to corner , angry lines crisscrossing , a chaos of intersections across the paper . The only place left untouched was at the center , where a patch of white marked out a strangely familiar silhouette , a thing of power and grace that lived in the void between the lines . Roger looked at the thing , at the sleek torpedo of its body and the razor curve of its fins , and saw without understanding the thing he had created . But had he created it ? Or was it there all along ? Just under the surface , lurking , gliding , hunting … Stephanie was gone by the time he got home , off socializing with one friend of hers or another ; he could never quite tell them apart . Roger didn 't bother going into the house , but instead went straight to pool in the back yard . Here in the light of day , there was no denying what he was seeing : there was no bottom . He grabbed the extendable pole with the net on the end used for dipping leaves and other debris from the water . He plunged it into the pool , pushing it down as far as it would go . It didn 't hit bottom . He went inside and found a spool of string and a heavy lead fishing weight and then back out to the pool where he dropped the weighted string into the water . The plastic spool spun and spun in his hands for a long time until the string ran out and the sudden jerk yanked the spool out of his hands . It fell , bouncing once on the deck then disappearing over the edge into the water . Roger lay on his belly and crawled toward the edge of the pool peering down into the water . There was no sign of the spool , but down there in the impossible depths he thought he saw something move , no more than a hint of a shape , a grey - white streak against the perfect darkness . And then it was gone . At the store again he rummaged through clothing racks in the women 's section . He saw a sales girl giving him an odd look , and he flashed her a smile . She turned away with something like disgust on her face . He was just shoving some tissue paper into the mouth of the bag when he heard her car in the drive . He met her coming in the front door . She kissed him like she always did , but there was something different in her eyes . " He said you 'd been laid off , " Stephanie went on , not even looking at the bag he pressed into her hands . " Nearly a month ago . Is that true ? " " Listen , " he said , more sharply than he meant , then again , more softly , " Listen . I didn 't want to worry you . Things have been bad , yes , but - " The phone started to ring . Stephanie stepped toward it , but Roger put out a hand to stop her . " It 's probably a telemarketer , " he said , trying to keep his voice calm . He could feel the old panic trying to overwhelm him , but he pushed it down . He was in control . He could do this . " I 've looking for a new job , " he said , his voice strained as he struggled to maintain the facade of normalcy . " I 've got some good prospects . I just didn 't want you to worry . " She shook her head and an infuriating look of pity came into her face . " I 'm your wife . We 're in this together . For better or worse , right ? " " Till death do us part , " he agreed , fingernails digging into the flesh of his palm . " But right now I want to forget about all of that just for a while . Open the present I got for you . " Almost there , he thought . " I know it 's early , but it 's been so warm these last few days . And I just thought , well … " She said nothing , only wrapped her arms around him , and raised her lips to his . When he broke off the kiss , she ran a hand down his arm . " We 're going to be okay , " she said . " You and me . " He paddled over to her and wrapped his arms around her . " Don 't worry , " he whispered into her ear . " We 're going to be okay . " That was the moment that he felt the shark 's teeth sink into his leg . It pulled him down , rolling it 's great pale body , trying to rip the limb completely off . He held Stephanie as he went under , heard her scream for just a moment before be head ducked under the surface of the water . He was sinking faster now . He could see the circle of light shrinking slowly above him tinted red by the clouds of blood that billowed in the water . Stephanie was a thrashing silhouette , ragged strips of flesh hanging from her as now a third and then a fourth shark joined the feeding frenzy . As the last vestiges of his consciousness faded away the ravaged remains of Stephanie 's body drifted down next to him . As they sank together into the impossible deep her remaining hand brushed against his . With the last effort of Roger 's dying will his fingers curled around hers . And what little the sharks had left of them fell into the darkness , hand in hand . I recently finished reading two books virtually simultaneously . I would like to claim that this is because I 'm an incredibly dedicated reader with amazing time management skills , but actually I cheated . One of them was an audio book . Which , while we 're on the subject , is it appropriate to tell people you 're " reading " an audio book ? It feels like a lie , but the absolute truth feels clunky and awkward to explain . Book one was Timmy Failure : Mistakes Were Made by Stephen Pastis . It is a book with pictures . It is a book for children . It is amazing . Book two was Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson . It is a seminal work of science fiction with high action mixed in with history , philosophy , and comparative religion . It is … okay . Now at this point I 'm thinking I sound kind of shallow , but hear me out . Because you know what Timmy Failure had that Snow Crash didn 't ? A polar bear named Total . * No wait , I 'm sorry . What I meant to say was , " internal conflict and character development . " Now here 's the thing . In Snow Crash , that 's it . That little snippet I just gave you encapsulates the entire plot in a nutshell . None of the characters , and I mean none , ever have to deal with any kind of internal conflict , never have to overcome any personal failings . It 's all swords cutting people 's heads off and Gatling gun duels , interspersed with long conversations about Sumerian mythology and hacking . Which is fine as far as it goes . I really did like the bits with the mythology , and it was nice to have the spoonful of fictional sugar to help them go down . But in the end the story had very little depth . In the case of Timmy Failure however , there was nothing but depth . Timmy claims he does not live up to his last name . Timmy lies . In fact his detective agency doesn 't actually solve any of the cases he 's given in the book . But the charm of the story is in the layers , in the way we see the world through Timmy 's eyes . Timmy Failure is an entirely unreliable narrator , because he 's seeing the world through a egotistical , child - sized lens . Through that lens we see the troubles his mom is having with the bills , and how she 's dating a guy who 's a bit of douche in the hopes of bringing some stability back into her and Timmy 's lives . We see how Timmy 's nemesis is really just a girl who wants her dad to spend more time with her . Is Snow Crash a bad book ? No . But it 's utterly flat . It makes the mistake of thinking that what the readers really care about is whether or not the world is saved . Screw the world . Let it burn . What readers really care about is personal . It 's the inner journey that brings power to the story . Without that , all you have is spectacle . There 's something that 's bothering me more and more lately about single people . Not all single people necessarily , but many of you at the very least are obsessed with not being single anymore . You think you can finally be happy if you find a suitable mate , that one person that understands you like no one else , and you 'll finally have the chance to share life with someone instead of going it alone . But lets examine that phrase at the end there shall we ? " The rest of your life . " The rest of your life is hopefully going to be quite a long time . I mean even if you 're smoking like a chimney , drinking like a fish , and singlehandedly keeping your local Burger King afloat , you probably have at least twenty or thirty years ahead of you . And the thing you 're missing , the thing I missed until after I was married , is that you 've got an incredible amount of freedom right now . You probably don 't have a house payment , you don 't have to worry about your kids having enough diapers . How well do you think James Bond would function as a married man ? And I mean really married , like to someone he cares about with long term goals and kids and stuff ? How about Luke Skywalker ? You think he 'd have dashed off to join the Rebellion if he 'd had a couple of mouths to feed back on Tattooine ? If you do ever run into a fictional character that 's married or got kids , he 's either estranged from them or they 're getting kidnapped for him to go and save . Heroes almost never have to deal with normalcy . And that 's you right now . You have options a married guy or gal couldn 't imagine . You can go on a secret mission overseas . You can fly your X - wing and destroy the Death Star . You can move without being bothered by the the fact that you 're underwater on your mortgage . Okay , so maybe mostly just that last one . But that one 's bigger than you 'd think . You have the freedom to take risks us married folks don 't have . Finding someone to love is awesome , sure , but so is having the option to jump in your car and drive to the Grand Canyon , picking up odd jobs washing dishes along the way . One day you 'll be married . One day you 'll have a kid and a house a dog and , oh yeah , a job you can 't afford to lose because your family counts on those health care benefits . Oh , and writers ? About all those single characters : I know how tempting it is to write characters with no attachments , believe me , but maybe you could at least consider the fact that attachment raise the stakes . And not just in the cliched sense of " I 'm worried the bad guy might kidnap my family . " What kind of character would James Bond be if he had to worry about paying his mortgage , or deal with the guilt of the fact that his child sees him so rarely he doesn 't even recognize him , on top of having to save the world ? Think about it . It 's been a while since I wrote anything really substantive in this space . That 's not an apology so much as an observation . Things have been busy . I 've been busy . I probably could have made myself blog more than I have , but if I 'm forcing myself to do something I don 't like … well what 's the point in that . If I 'm going to do things I don 't like , I 'm at least going to get paid for doing them . But there are a few things I thought some of you might like to know . First , Thing 1 and Thing 2 are out of our house once again and working toward a more permanent placement with some relatives . They packed up everything last week and headed out of state . The odds are decent that I won 't see them again , at least not for a very long time . I would be lying if I told you I didn 't cry when they left . But I would also be lying if I told you that I wasn 't at least a little glad that they 're gone . Between their school schedule , and trying to spend time my wife and our baby , things were stretched a little thin for us . I 'm looking forward to having a little more free time to write . In other news , the parenting adventure continues . Baby AJ is now mobile . Which means you 've got to keep an eye on him , because if you don 't the next think you know you 're hearing the thump of the trash can in the kitchen and when you get there he 'll be eating used coffee grounds right out of the filter . Really . So yesterday Chuck Wendig wrote this thing about digital piracy of books . The upshot of this thing was that he 'd really rather you didn 't do it , because hey , he worked hard on those books and they are not unreasonably priced and he deserves to be paid for his work BUT he 's not going to get all angry at people who do pirate because - Actually , it was kind of a long post . Maybe you should just go and read it . As a corollary to this Wendig has declared today to be " International ' Please Don 't Pirate My Book ' Day " . Now I 've got nothing whatsoever against Mr . Wendig , and for the most part I agreed with his post , but much like the those who choose to celebrate " Singles Awareness Day " instead of Valentine 's I 've decided to make up my own opposing holiday . I 'm calling it " Go Ahead and Pirate my Book if You Feel Like It " Day . They tell you not to write for exposure . Don 't put so much of your work up for free that you can 't sustain your writing . But you 've got to think that if practically nobody has heard of you a little more exposure couldn 't be such a terrible thing right ? I don 't know about you guys , but I 'm pinching every penny I can . I 'm not living in squalor or anything , but there 's not a lot of extra . I reckon there 's a good number of you out there in the same situation . It bears mentioning that my books are pretty reasonably priced . Nothing I 've got out there on the digital marketplace costs more than three bucks . So if you 'd like to pay for my work it bears mentioning that this isn 't " Don 't You Dare Pay for my Book and Support me as an Author " day . I 've pirated digital content . I 've pirated books . Books I liked . Books I wished I had the money to pay for . I buy new when I can , but I 'm constantly looking for the deal , the remaindered bins , the yard sale , the book shelves at the Thrift Store . And sometimes I pirate . It 's not something I 'm necessarily proud of , but it 's there . This is something that Chuck Wendig said in his original post , but it bears repeating here . When it comes to digital content there isn 't a finite number of possible copies . If you pirate my work , that doesn 't mean you 've taken that work away from anyone else . Piracy today does not necessarily lead to piracy tomorrow . If you like what I 've written maybe you 'll pay for my next book . Maybe you 'll tell a friend . Maybe you 'll leave a nice review on Amazon . Maybe you 'll just tell me that you like it . There is value in all these things So go ahead , matees . Shiver my timbers and pirate my books . Can 't find a torrent site that 's heard of me ? I 've included some links below to get you started . The same because , it 's still about the arachnopocalypse . Different because there 's an actual cash money prize to be won this time around . ( Well okay , maybe not actual cash , because this is the future and we have fancy digital currency transfer mechanisms , and speaking of which where is my flying car anyway ? ) Here 's the deal . Me and Tony Southcotte host The Human Echoes Podcast , and we 're looking to expand our horizons from rambling about movies , life , and bull testicles , into producing the occasional bit of audio fiction . We started out close to home with me reading my story " Of Teeth and Claus " , but now we need your help . Send in your story of the the spider - infested end of the world in one thousand words or less , and you 'll have the opportunity to a . ) Win ten whole American dollars b . ) Have your work released in audio form on the podcast . ( Don 't worry it won 't be me reading it this time . We 'll get someone who sounds halfway decent . ) The deadline for entry is noon o ' clock Central Time on February 8 ; that gives you a little over a week . The winner will be announced on the podcast two weeks after . Send your entries in to HEPodcast @ gmail . com . If by chance you had written a story for the previous Arachnopocalypse challenge you 're welcome to resubmit that . Whatever the opposite of binge watching is , I 'm doing it with this OA show on Netflix . I watch about one episode every three months . 5 hours ago " Last time ? " There 's a mid credits scene that sets up a sequel . Did they not watch their own movie ! ? twitter . com / transformers / s … 1 day ago |
He was standing in the officer 's observation lounge . It was Wednesday night . The night they normally had dinner together , barring complications involving some mission they were on . But today had marked the 20th anniversary of Jack 's death and he knew she wouldn 't want to see him tonight . So he stood alone , staring at the stars and wondering for the millionth time what he could have done differently . He re - lived each moment . Jack 's communicator going silent , sitting beside his coffin in the shuttle , seeing the tears in Beverly 's eyes when she saw her dead husband 's body , holding Wesley at the graveside . He measured each word he had uttered to her and wondered if he could have said anything better , said anything else , that would have made the situation easier . He dropped his head and laid his forehead against the cool pane of the window . He wondered where Beverly was at this very moment . Was she in pain as he was ? Re - living the events as he was ? He wanted to go to her . He didn 't want her to have to go through the pain alone . Again . But he didn 't dare seek her out for fear that his presence would hurt more than it helped . Feeling the pressure behind his eyes he took a deep shuttering breath . Perhaps that was why he didn 't hear the doors slide open . Or perhaps he was simply too involved in his own thoughts . He started when he heard her call his name . He turned quickly and by her stance could tell she had been watching him for several moments . Her face was a mask but he saw the pain in her eyes . Silently he held open his arms and was relieved when she stepped into them . They held each other wordlessly for a few moments . As they pulled away each seemed to realize that any burden is easier to carry if the load is shared . He uttered but one word . " Cognac ? " She nodded her head in agreement and took his arm as they started toward the turbo lift . Normally she would have released it at the observation room door but tonight he put his hand over hers and held it there all the way to his cabin door . He poured them each a drink and then sat beside her on the couch . " Penny " they each said and then chuckled together . The words he had ached to say for years tugged once again at his heart and he struggled to put a voice behind them . The knowledge that she had sought him out on this night of all nights gave him the courage he needed to proceed . " Beverly … I want you to know how sorry I am that I didn 't handle things better all those years ago . I was so lost in my own grief that I wasn 't there for you as I should have been . " The words began to come quicker as guilt overtook him . " I should have sent someone else on that mission . God knows there were other men who were just a qualified as Jack . I should have . . . " Beverly cut in with a strong " Jean - Luc ! ! " He met her eyes briefly before dropping his eyes in shame . She continued on with a sharp tone , " What do you think I would have had you to do ? Keep him on the ship ? Tuck him into bed each night ? You knew him better , and I should hope that you know me better , than that . He would have hated you for it . He would have requested a transfer before he allowed you to treat him like that , like a child . And it would have destroyed your friendship . " More softly she said haltingly , " And you did everything you could for me . You had the same right to your grief as I had to mine . The way I remember it , you were more than kind . You helped explain things to Wesley and held me while I cried . " Her voice broke as memories came flooding back . It tore at his heart and only deepened the guilt . For Picard had a greater burden on his soul . One that had caused him a deeper ache over the years . The reason that he had avoided her . The reason he felt such shame about his feelings towards her , especially at this time of year . For the first thought that he had thought upon seeing her , the first thought he had when she had opened the door to receive the news that her husband was dead , the thought that echoed through his mind even as he spoke those horrible words of death to her was - She 's free . His heart broke even before the thought passed . He had been in love with his best friend 's wife for years but that friend 's death deserved better than to be disgraced by such thoughts . He 'd had to forcibly reminded himself that she was still Jack 's wife , even if Jack was no longer there . However , as he had watched her over the next few days the thought kept returning . She 's free . That was the guilt that held him , the guilt that drove him away from her for all of those years . That was the guilt that plagued him till this day . As the years had passed he had convinced himself that in some subconscious way he had wanted Jack to die , wanted him to die so Beverly would be free , so that he would at least have a chance to capture her heart . And , in penance for the sin that no one knew about , he denied himself that chance . He felt as though if he didn 't move he would die . He stood rapidly and began pacing the room . She looked up in surprise . " Jean - Luc ? " she said questioningly . " You don 't understand , " he said sharply . " You don 't know . " The Howard in her rebelled . She didn 't know ! How dare he ! It was her husband that had been lost . Her husband that he had brought home dead . " Then why don 't you explain it to me , " she said with equal acidity . " I did it Beverly . I gave the order . I watched him walk out that airlock . I made the decision to send him . I killed him ! " Beverly had known that Picard 's guilt ran deep but she had no idea it was this strong . " Jean - Luc it was not your fault ! You were the captain . Of course you gave the order . You gave all the orders ! You didn 't intentionally set out for it to happen ! " Silence reigned . He felt his blood turn to ice . Suddenly he wanted her to know . He wanted to see the hate in her eyes so he could block her out , maybe even drive her away , so he wouldn 't have to deal with this pain anymore . In his mind her leaving had become an inevitability in his life anyway . Better to get it over with now . He resolved himself and turned to meet her gaze . He saw the shock in her eyes ; saw the tears well up in them . Before he could move she was out the door . He stood in silence , his heart breaking , knowing she was gone for good . Part 2 The minutes passed like hours . Beverly paced her quarters ceaselessly . One thought resounded through her head for the first hour - How could he say something like that ? He must have known the pain it would cause her . Slowly her anger faded and rational thought prevailed . The thought then became why would he say something like that ? She replayed the conversation in her mind over and over again . No matter how she turned it over she couldn 't fathom why in the world he had utter that phrase . Surely he couldn 't have intended for Jack to die on that mission . They were best friends . Each had loved the other like a brother . And she had seen the pain in Jean - Luc 's eyes when he had brought Jack 's body home , had seen it in his eyes each year for the past 20 years . Her pacing grew slower as her thoughts grew deeper , till finally she stood still in the center of her quarters . Slowly she turned and walked out of her cabin door . Jean - Luc sat at the table in his quarters , a cup of Earl Grey , long since cold , at his elbow . He stared blankly at the table , numb and empty . He glanced at the message alert button on his desk . Soon that button would be flashing , announcing the presence of her message , her resignation . When the door slid open and Beverly walked in he thought that he was surely hallucinating . She walked resolutely to the table and placed her palms flat upon it , leaning over him . " Why ? Why did you say that ? Why would you say that ? " His silence brought her anger to the surface once again . " Damnit , answer me ! You owe me that mush at least ! " He knew she was right and , besides , he had started this and was determined to see it through . " You 're right . I owe you all the answers and then some . " He stood and moved to the window . Between the guilt and her closeness he was having trouble breathing again . His heart pounded in his chest as he began to speak , " Beverly … you know how I felt about you … you learned that on Kes - pret . To say I was in love with you is really an understatement . You 're all I thought about . I used to sit in my quarter and write you letters that I never sent … could never send . I waited with baited breath for Jack to receive a letter from you , hoping against hope that he would read part of it to me . I compared every girl I met to you . You were my ideal . Perfection . " He turned to meet her eyes . Having nothing to lose he added , " You still are . " Her heart melted but she refused to let it show in her eyes . He owed her more than sweet words and she didn 't see the relevance of any of this to Jack 's death . She asked again , but this time softer and with a little less anger , " Why ? " Jean - Luc felt his own anger blaze . Didn 't she see ? Was she determined to make him say the words aloud ? " Do you know what the first thought I had was when I saw you that day ? With Jack 's body lying cold in the morgue ? " Picard saw a little fear in her eyes now . Whether it was fear of his answer or of the tone of his voice , which had now grown cold and hateful even to his own ears , he didn 't know . " I thought she 's free . She 's free to be mine now . Can you even begin to imagine how that made me feel ? What a sorry excuse for a friend I was . He wasn 't even in his grave yet and there I was , lusting after his wife ! " He couldn 't continue . He sat on the couch , his shoulders shaking with the sobs that he refused to release . He felt he didn 't deserve the pleasure of tears . Tears brought release and he deserved no release from this pain . He earned this pain and more . Beverly stood in shock , the pieces slowly coming together for her . In his mind he had been rationalizing this for 20 years . For 20 years the guilt of that unbidden thought had reeked havoc with his emotions . The level of guilt he felt , which had always confused her before , now made perfect sense , as did his earlier statement . Somehow , someway , she had to help him passed this . She moved to sit beside him on the couch and quietly called his name . When he didn 't respond she laid her arm across his bent shoulders . That touch was the final straw for Picard . With a soft moan he began to truly cry . Beverly held him until the sobs quieted and then put her hands against his cheeks and raised his face until he met her gaze . " Look me in the eye and tell me that you sent him on that mission knowing that he would die . Look me in the eye and tell me it wasn 't an accident . " He sat stunned at her question . " Jean - Luc , you didn 't know , " she said , slowly and deliberately . " You couldn 't have known . It was an accident . Unless you and about 20 other officers faked every kind of report known to man , then it was simply an accident . " His heart refused to accept that . " But I must have wanted it Beverly . Somewhere in the back of my mind I must have wanted it . That 's why I chose him instead of someone else . That 's why he died . " " NO . No , I refuse to accept that Jean - Luc . You are a good , honest , decent man . You are now and you were then . You were simply doing your job . If it hadn 't been Jack it would have been someone else . Would you have felt this kind of guilt if it had been one of the other officers ? " " Jean , you sent him on hundreds of missions , some more dangerous than the one he died on . You send people on missions everyday . You did not intend for him to die . You did not kill him . " She looked deeply into his eyes and saw that this wasn 't working . She wasn 't getting through . There was only one thing left for her to do , only one thing left to say . It was the ultimate betrayal and she suddenly knew exactly how he felt . " Jean - Luc there 's something you don 't know . Something you have the right to know . Something you should have learned that night on Kis - pret but you were so concerned about my finding out about your feelings for me that you missed my feelings for you . " She took a deep breath and looked into his confused eyes , " Jean I had feelings for you too . Even before Jack died . And it was more than simple attraction . At the time I denied it to myself but after Jack died … I had the same thoughts Jean - Luc . I thought it too . " They sat in silence for several moments . Picard was stunned beyond words . A slow sense of relief began in his stomach and slowly worked up his back to his shoulders . He sat back on the couch hard and turned an unbelieving stare on Beverly as she turned to meet his gaze . He saw pain there . Pain and fear and some emotion that he couldn 't identify . " But you were heartbroken , " he began . " I didn 't trust myself around you . I saw the way you were with Wesley and the way you so easily fit into our lives … I didn 't want to start depending on you because I knew you had to leave . And don 't you think I felt more than a little guilt about the way I was feeling ? Oh , believe me Picard , I 've felt more than my share of guilt over that time in my life . " She leaned back on the couch beside him . Both were aware the touching of their legs , but each kept their hands in their laps . " He deserved better , " Jean - Luc said quietly . Breakfast was a quiet affair the next morning . After Beverly had left the night before , or , more specifically , in the early morning hours , Picard had felt relief and a sense of hope . Maybe now things could settle down and they could get on with their lives . Maybe now the anniversary of Jack 's death could be less painful for them both . However the awkwardness over breakfast had changed his mind on that front . Now he thought that perhaps it would have been best if their little talk had never happened . It seemed the only thing they had accomplished was to involve each other in what had previously been private pain and guilt . Beverly gave him a brief sad smile as she left for her duty shift . Alone with his thoughts , Picard began to straighten up his cabin . The sudden flash of light startled him . " Come now Jean - Luc , get a hold of yourself . Why I felt your guilt and pain 10 parsecs away . Combined with those of Red … . why the two of you have the entire quadrant in an emotional turmoil ! " Picard guffawed and returned to his morning chores . He refused to be baited by the entity and set about ignoring him . " Such temper Jean - Luc . Have you thought about anger management classes ? Besides I 'm not here to help you . I 'm here for my own purposes . You 're just to be an unwilling participant . " With a flash Beverly was suddenly in the room beside him . " Jean - Luc what … . Q ! What the hell are you doing here ? " " Its nice to see you again too Beverly . It seems that every year at this time the two of you become so troubled that your emotions upset the sub - current of the universe around you … . oh never mind , you wouldn 't understand the connection between those sorts of things . I just can 't understand why the two of you just can 't admit what 's really bothering you and get on with your lives . As humans go you two appear to be above average and yet you can 't master a simple little task that lesser humans perform daily . So , as Q , I have decided to help you settle the matter once and for all . " " Q , I don 't know what you have in mind but whatever it is we simply won 't participate . We are not interested in your kind of help ! " " Now , now mon Capitaine , you simply have no choice . " Picard heard the snap of his fingers and saw the blinding flash of light and realized with dread that he was in the middle of another of Q 's games . But as he took in his new surroundings he realized that this was a game that could have disastrous consequences . Turning he saw the look of wonder on Beverly 's face . " Jean - Luc … it 's our house . The one Jack and I were living in when … " her voice faded away . She didn 't want to complete the sentence . There had been too much talk of Jack 's death between them and she didn 't want to add more . Especially here . Picard nodded his head as he slowly looked around . He needed no reminder of where he was . He had spent many a bittersweet evening in this house . He 'd loved the way Beverly had always made him feel welcome , like a part of the family rather than some stranger just over for dinner . But he had hated watching her and Jack flirt and play as newly - weds do . He idly wondered aloud , " What is Q up to ? " This time the flash didn 't startle him nearly so much . " You take away all the fun Picard . But this once I will tell you ' what I 'm up to . ' You have 1 week . One week in which to live in the past . You both have so many regrets … fine . Come to terms with your feelings and make things right . " " Nothing you do here will change the past for yourself or anybody else . You will simply have two memories of the way things happened . The way things originally transpired and the way they transpire over the next week . The only thing that can change is your relationship with one another and even that will only change in the present as you know it . " With a flash he was gone . Picard slowly ran his hand over his head and noticed a distinct absence of hair . He noticed that Beverly looked to be the same age as she had before they came here as well . Odd . Usually Q made them up in full costume for his little games . He concluded that they would probably look younger to anyone that they met from this time . " Well what do we do now ? Hell we don 't even know exactly ' when ' we are , " grumbled Jean - Luc . Beverly turned and walked into what he remembered to be the kitchen . He followed closely . She found a padd on the counter and quickly scanned it . Her face turned ashen . " Then this is the last time we were all together before we left on the Stargazer for the mission to Naidirem . " She nodded distractedly and began moving through the house once again . " Beverly , " he said with a sudden tightening in his voice , " that means Jack is still alive in this time . " " Well doesn 't that surprise you ? I assumed Q was returning us to the time just after his death . " He hushed as Beverly slapped her finger against her lips and shushed him just before opening the door of the bedroom she had once shared with Jack . Suddenly a huge smile lit her face . Picard crumpled inside . He realized that he had spent this entire last week before they shipped out here with Jack and Beverly , a sort of prolonged birthday celebration . He would never make it through a week of her honeymooning with a husband that she hadn 't seen in 20 years . It would make the playful flirting that bothered him so at the time seem like a day at the beach . This wasn 't fair he thought . It was cruel even by the standards of Q . But it wasn 't Jack that was napping . It was Wesley . He was curled on his side , mouth open , snoring softly . " My God Beverly . He 's beautiful . " Beverly looked up at Picard with mild surprise but realized that he loved Wesley far more now than he did when Wesley was really this age . He had watched the boy grow and been a father to him in many ways . The same thoughts were running through Picard 's head as he walked quietly over to the bed and knelt beside it . Wesley was almost 4 in this time period . He softly stroked the boy 's hair as he slept . An ache arose in him that he hadn 't felt since his return from Kataan , an ache for the children he would never have . As he noticed the similarities between this child and Beverly he realized that he was feeling a specific ache for the children he would never have with her . Suddenly he heard the front door slam and a resounding , " Honey , I 'm home ! " Standing quickly he turned to face Beverly . Instead of the joy he expected to see , he found her gaze locked on him with a look of fear and uneasiness . He wanted to question her but there was no time . The house was small and Jack had quickly made his way to his wife 's side . " Hello beautiful , " he said as he placed a kiss on the top of her head . The world stood still for several moments . Jack looked exactly like he remembered , down to the very last detail . The air in the room grew thick . Looking at Beverly he saw that her eyes had filled with tears . He struggled with tears of his own briefly before he remembered that this was all just a game orchestrated by Q . He resolutely told himself that if he remembered that he would make it through the week . Beverly manage a shaky , " Jack , your home early , " before she stepped out of his embrace and into the room where Picard still stood . This confused Picard . He had quite hastily assumed that he would be unable to pry these two apart all week , but then he noticed that Wesley had been awoken by his father 's voice and was now whimpering and rubbing his eyes . " Johnny ! What are you doing here so early ? I thought you weren 't coming till later tonight . You and the little woman got something going on that I don 't know about ? " Jack asked with a wink . Picard cringed inside . Yes , in Jack 's eyes , they probably did . Dinner twice a week and breakfast every morning wasn 't exactly " nothing . " The fact that they often ended those dinners , and an occasional breakfast with a soft kiss , did nothing to ease his discomfort . However he realized that Jack was only joking , as they often did , and so he laughed lightly and , wanting to steer the conversation along a more comfortable path , hastily said , " Happy Birthday , Jack . " " Thanks Johnny , " said Jack as the two of them made their way back down the hall to the living area . " So far it 's been a good one , " he added with a gleam in his eye . Picard followed his gaze to find it resting on Beverly as she escorted Wesley into the kitchen for a snack . He knew that particular look too well . Many lonely evenings aboard the Stargazer had included Jack regaling him with stories of his life with Beverly . This particular look most often accompanied stories that were really far too intimate to be shared , even among the best of friends . Picard cleared his throat in an effort to regain his composure . He was not prepared to deal with the swirl of emotions inside of him . He was still recovering from the shock of this transport through time , added to that was the jealousy he had always felt , only now it was stronger and there was an emotion that he was totally thrown by - he loved the way that Beverly looked caring for Wesley . It brought out paternal instincts that he had only rarely felt . Picard began to feel somewhat better as he and Jack settled into the familiar chairs of the living area . They were joined shortly by Wesley , who was as bright and inquisitive as Picard remembered . Picard was soon amazed by how easily he fell back into the rhythm of his relationship with Jack . Though he struggled to remember some details that were fresher in Jack 's memory than his own , the conversation was relaxed and easy . He was baffled however by the fact that Beverly remained in the kitchen . When over an hour had passed , he lightly suggested that perhaps Jack should check on her . When Jack failed to find her in the kitchen they quickly searched the house . " She probably just stepped out for some air , " said Jean - Luc with as much levity as he could muster . The last thing he need was for Q to have whisked Beverly off to some unknown location . " Why don 't you stay here with Wesley and I 'll see if I can find her . " To Picard 's relief , Jack quickly agreed . He needn 't have worried . As he stepped out the door of " Beverly … are you okay ? " he asked with growing concern . She shook her head weakly as he led her to a nearby bench . With one arm he held her securely to his side . With the other he pushed her hair away from her face and gently tilted her chin up , forcing her to face him . " What is it Beverly ? What 's wrong ? " " I can 't do this . I can 't go back in there and pretend like everything is okay Jean - Luc . I don 't care how omnipotent Q is , he can 't do this . " With those words Beverly broke down and Picard 's heart broke for her . As hard as this was on him , it was even worse for her . He could not even begin to imagine the emotions she must be going through . He didn 't know what to say so he simply held her and rubbed her back softly as her sobs quieted . " I don 't know what to say to him Jean - Luc . I don 't know how to act . So many nights I laid awake and dreamed for something like this to happen … to see him again , if it were only for an instant . To see his eyes , hold his hand , touch his face . There were so many things I wanted the chance to say to him . The last night we were together , next Friday night , we had a fight . A huge one . We made up later on subspace but I always wanted the chance to tell him I 'm sorry for the things I said . But no , Q has fixed it so that I can see him but so that I have to act like everything is okay , like he 'll be coming home for good in five years , not that he 's leaving forever in a week ! " " I know its difficult Beverly . It is for me as well but try to look at it as a gift . You do have this week with him as least . An entire week to show him how much you love him . And perhaps you can avoid the fight , avoid any bad memories . Try to replace them with good ones . " Beverly sat quietly , staring at her hands . When she did not respond he spoke her name questioningly . She refused to meet his gaze but finally said , " I don 't know if I can Jean - Luc . I 'm not the same person I was back then . I was so young when Jack and I fell in love . So much has happened since then . I 've grown … changed . Its one thing to lie in your bed on a lonely night and wish to have someone back , to suddenly have that person back is another matter all together . " Picard thought silently for a few moments . " I don 't know what to say Beverly . Though Q is quite the trickster , he said we would be here for a week and I tend to believe him . He also said nothing we did here would change the timeline , so theoretically we could go back to your house and tell Jack the entire sordid story but somehow I don 't think it would improve our week considerably . We 'd just spend the entire time trying to make him believe us . The only thing for us to do is to try to live this week as much like we did before as possible . As I remember it was a pleasant time for us all . " A small lie , but one he could live with . In reality his memories of the upcoming week were painful to say the least . He had recently ended a relationship , one that he had briefly thought could withstand the lifestyle that Starfleet demanded , and he had been feeling particularly lonely . And , being as where they were scheduled to ship out in a week , and Beverly and Jack were not scheduled to see each other for almost 8 months , they were feeling particularity amorous . Initially Picard had feared that her foreknowledge of his death , and the fact that they would not see each other again after they left next week would only strengthen these feelings for Beverly , but given her recent confession Picard suddenly had hope that perhaps at least that part of the week would be more tolerable . With a soft sigh he added , " Besides I 'll be here . And , as I remember , we were both long overdue for shore leave anyway . " Noting that he had at least brought a small smile to her face Picard stood and helped her to her feet . He started to reach for her hand , as he would on the Enterprise after such a heartfelt conversation , but stopped short . For the entire trip back to the house he lectured himself on the ways in which he could and could not touch Beverly over the next week . Little did he know that Beverly was having a similar conversation with herself . That night Picard lay in the guest room at the Crusher 's home as he had many nights before . He listened to the soft movements from the room two doors down ; doors opening and closing , murmuring too quiet for him to make out . Finally he saw the light underneath his door go out and knew that Beverly had made the last check on Wesley for the night . He heard the squeak of their bedroom door and then all was still . In an effort to distract himself from thoughts of what might be going on in the room down the hall he replayed the events of the evening in his mind . Beverly had been much more relaxed after her walk and their conversation . While she was not the bubbly , flirtatious young woman that Picard remembered she was charming and sweet . And if things were a little awkward when their hands touched while passing a plate at dinner , or if conversation lapsed anytime their eyes met , Jack did not seem to notice . He did , however , express surprise over the amount of time that Picard had spent with Wesley . Picard didn 't really think that he had done anything all that special with the boy but after reflecting on the discomfited way that he had behaved with Wesley 20 years ago he could see Jack 's point . After all , the Jean - Luc of 20 years ago would have never had tied the boy 's shoe , helped cut his meat , or offered to read him a bedtime story . But many times over the past several years he had wished that he had spent more time with Beverly and Wesley after Jack 's death . It had been obvious when they had come aboard the Enterprise that the boy was in desperate need of male attention , and while Q said that nothing they did here would affect the future , he couldn 't see the harm in laying down a better relationship with the boy . The next few days passed much as Picard had remembered them . While there had been subtle changes , mostly in dinner conversation and things of that nature , the days fell pretty much on course . He spent most of his time , as he had 20 years ago , trying to avoid Beverly for fear that she or Jack one would realize the true feelings he had for her . However on their third full day in the past something out of the script , as Jean - Luc had come to think of it , occurred . He and Jack had spent the afternoon hiking just as they had 20 years ago . They stopped to rest atop a hill overlooking a majestic valley and , in the distance , a mountain range . As they sipped from their canteens Jack fixed an unusual stare on Jean - Luc . Quickly Picard racked his brain trying to remember this particular conversation . As Picard remembered it Jack had spent this resting time atop the mountain 20 years ago telling him that the only reason he was tired was because of his bedroom adventures of the night before . " I want you to promise me , " Jack continued , " that if anything should ever happen to me that you 'll take care of Beverly and Wesley . " Picard choked on the water in his canteen . Now he knew that they had strayed from the original time line . This was not a conversation that he would have , or could have , forgotten . As he regained his breath he said , " Jack , don 't even talk like that . Nothing is going to happen to you . " " You never know Jean - Luc , " interrupted Jack . " Life is weird sometimes . Last night as I watched Wesley sleep I realized that I couldn 't picture him growing up . I remember when I was growing up I used to think about sitting on my front porch as an old man , rocking with my wife . I can 't see me and Beverly sitting there Johnny . I can 't even see myself there . Its like all I have is now . Like there is no tomorrow . You ever get like that ? " Picard slowly shook his head . " No but that doesn 't mean anything Jack . " Unable to force himself to give the rousing speech on how Jack would probably outlive him by 30 years , that he knew , as a friend , he should give , Picard arose and offered Jack a hand . " Come on , old friend . We better get home before we 're both in trouble with that hot - headed wife of yours . " It was a long quite trip home . After dinner that evening Jack volunteered to put Wesley down for the night . Jean - Luc and Beverly kept the conversation light and in keeping with the time period as they cleaned up the kitchen . Neither of them wanted to be caught talking about the Enterprise , Will , or Deanna or any thing or body else that Jack might have found unusual . It would have simply made a difficult situation even worse . And the situation had grown more difficult as time past . Picard found that he missed his time alone with Beverly even more than he would have thought . This wasn 't cause by the fact that Jack and Beverly were alone together but by the fact that he and Jack were often alone together . Beverly seemed to spend most of her time with Wesley , which astounded Picard in and of itself . Jack still hadn 't returned when they had finished their cleaning and so they stepped down the hall to see what was keeping him . They found both Jack and Wesley asleep on Wes 's bed . Picard watched as Beverly removed the open book that was lying on Jack 's stomach and gently removed two pairs of shoes . Rather than wake them to get under the covers she took a quilt that was lying nearby and covered them , giving each a kiss on the forehead before turning off the lamp and softly closing the door . Quietly they made their way back into the living area . Though Jean - Luc wanted to sit down on the couch next to Beverly he didn 't allow himself . Instead he took a chair across the coffee table . Gazing at the peaceful expression on Beverly 's face , he softly said , " Penny ? " Picard nodded . Though he still fought an almost constant jealousy he had found that he too was enjoying his time here . He was still disturbed however by the change in the timeline that had been proven by his conversation with Jack earlier . He knew Q had made a promise , but with Q in control he simply could not allow himself to relax or the incident to pass unmentioned . " Beverly , " he began , " I had a rather odd conversation with Jack this afternoon while we were hiking . " " He asked me to look after you and Wesley if anything should ever happen to him . " Picard noted Beverly 's sharp intake of breath and the equally hard look that she turned in his direction . He continued , " That didn 't happen the first time . I 'm certain of it . Something we have done has radically changed the timeline . " The question gave Picard pause . How honest should he be ? He was almost certain that Beverly would not appreciate Jack 's candor about their active sex life and he knew that it would cause them both great embarrassment . But he had never been especially fond of lying to Beverly . He decided quickly to try to a sketchy version of the truth . " Oh different things . Nothing particularly special " Picard could tell she wasn 't going to let the subject go . Beverly had sat up and was looking at him hard . He saw just a bit of the Howard temper begin to flare in her eyes and hastily decided that he had rather her be mad at Jack for sharing such intimate details than mad at him for trying to misdirect her . " To be honest Beverly , 20 years ago on that hike Jack described what a wonderful night the two of you had spent together the night before . " " Oh , " said Beverly with a look of surprise on her face . " Oh , " she said again and found a spot on the table that suddenly needed cleaning . It wasn 't that she was angry with Jack for telling Jean - Luc , goodness knows she and Deanna often shared intimate details of their love lives with one another , but she was embarrassed by his knowledge of that particular part of her life . And she , surprising , felt a little guilty as well . " Well , " she said , driven by a desire to explain why the conversation had changed and perhaps rid herself of some of that guilt , " the reason he didn 't regale you with such a story this morning is because there wasn 't one to tell . " " Nothing happened between us last night . Or any of the other nights for that matter , " added Beverly almost unthinkingly . " What ? ! ? " asked Picard . " You 're telling me that since we 've been here you and Jack haven 't … been intimate ? " he asked in amazement . Noting the fire that lashed in Beverly eyes , Picard hastened to apologize . " I 'm sorry , I just assumed . I mean he 's your husband and , well … I 'm sorry . " He let the silence lie until he saw the fire die down in Beverly 's eyes . When he noted that they then became a sea of pain and confusion he simply could not let the subject drop . " Beverly I know its none of my business but why haven 't you ? You only have a short time here and surely he must expect … " Beverly didn 't answer right away . He was right of course . " I don 't know Jean - Luc . It just doesn 't … feel right . " She paused . This was taking their relationship to a new level . While each had had relationships aboard the Enterprise they had discussed them only when they had to and then never in detail . She looked up and saw his small nod of encouragement . He wasn 't willing to dismiss this . With a shaky voice she continued , " When he kisses me I don 't know how to feel . I should feel happy and content and fulfilled … but I don 't . Its like I 'm kissing an old friend , not a lover . " She paused trying to find a way to delicately answer the last part of his question . " The first night we were here I simply told him I was tired . " And sore , though she didn 't say that to Picard . The morning of Jack 's birthday had been a memorable session , even 20 years later , and she had been tired and sore that night though that hadn 't mattered much back then . " Day before yesterday I told him I had an infection that would take several days to clear up . So far he 's accepted that without question , if not without disappointment . " " I see , " said Picard , though he wasn 't sure he really did . All he was certain of was that he was extremely relieved by the fact that Jack and Beverly hadn 't been together . Beverly 's relationships on the Enterprise had been few and far between and , even then , they had caused him much pain . Thankfully those relationships had also been brief and none with someone whom she was as serious about as she had been with Jack . He had always tried to see those relationships much as he had seen his own - as brief but important outlets for physical and emotion needs . The thought of Beverly sleeping with a man whom she was deeply in love with didn 't sit well . The thing that was confusing him was that Beverly didn 't seem to be in love . With a half sob , half sigh Beverly lowered her face into her hands . Picard quickly moved to her side and wrapped one arm around her protectively . " Beverly , are you alright ? What 's wrong ? " " I don 't know what 's wrong with me Jean - Luc . I should want to go in there , wake Jack up and make passionate love to him . That 's what I 've been wanting for almost 20 years . Why don 't I want it now ? " The tears rolling silently down Beverly 's face tore at Picard 's heart . He was desperate to comfort her . " It 's okay Beverly . You haven 't done anything wrong . You don 't have to do anything you don 't want to do . " " But that 's just it Jean - Luc . I haven 't done what I wanted to for the past 20 years . My love for Jack has kept me from letting myself love anyone else . " She laughed bitterly , " Between your guilt and my illusory love it 's no wonder we 've spent all these years dancing around our feelings for one another . " Picard went still . Beverly had just broken one of the cardinal rules of their relationship - never mention feelings . While his heart broke for her Picard knew it was wrong to take advantage of the situation . He did not want her to spend the next 20 years regretting the way she had spent this week with Jack and he certainly did not want to spend the next 20 regretting anything he did here . Beverly had been given a chance that many people would kill for and he felt she must not walk away from that lightly . So , though it felt like he was cutting his own heart out with a dull knife , he looked her in the eye and said , " Beverly I know this is painful and I know you 're very confused right now , but I want you to think carefully about something . In 3 days we will be back on board the Enterprise . You only have 2 nights left with him - ever . It is extremely unlikely that Q will ever give you this chance again . Are you sure that you want to let this week slip away ? Do you really want to let your confusion subdue the desire you 've held in your heart for so many years ? " Picard dropped his head and looked at their hands , clasped together on his thigh . Knowing there was nothing left to say , and not really wanting to face the answers to the questions he had posed , he gave her hand a small squeeze and then made his way to his room . But he was still awake when he heard the door to her room close several hours later . The next day was a long one for Picard . He alternately cursed and congratulated himself . He knew he had done the right thing , and hoped that one day he would benefit from that , but when visions of Beverly wrapped in Jack 's embrace came to his mind he could have cared less what the right thing was . He was even more uncomfortable that usual around Beverly and Jack that night and , making the excuse of having not slept well the night before , went to bed shortly after dinner . Jack and Beverly cleaned up the kitchen while Wesley worked on a starship model that Jack had replicated for him that afternoon . Beverly was acutely aware of every time that her body brushed against Jack 's , of the way he let his hand linger on her waist at he eased around her to put a towel in the recycler , the way he smiled at her as he held open the door to the living area . After she put Wesley down for the night , she returned to the living room to find Jack looking through a book that Jean - Luc had been reading earlier . As she rounded the back of the couch to sit beside him she lightly trailed her fingers over the back of his neck . He looked up and smiled at her and suddenly she remembered falling in love with him . Smiling softly to herself she settled on the end of the couch with her feet tucked under her . " Mmm . That feels wonderful . Don 't stop , " sighed Beverly as she let her head fall back against the couch . For several minutes Jack massaged her feet and then moved up to her calves . When he could reach no higher he tenderly said , " Why don 't we move this to a more comfortable place ? " Beverly felt a knot form in her stomach but had spent much of the day reflecting over Jean - Luc 's advice and had determined that he had a point . She had made up her mind not to pull away from Jack 's embrace tonight . She stood , took his hand and followed him down the hall . They paused at Wesley 's door and looked in on the boy . He was sleeping soundly . Beverly relaxed into the arm that Jack had placed around her waist . It felt so nice to stand here with him and watch their child sleep . She had missed this especially as she tried to raise Wesley alone . Looking deeply into her eyes Jack steered her down the hall and into their room . Though Picard had every right to be sleepy he was wide - awake . He had listened to the footsteps coming down the hall , heard them pause at Wesley 's door , and now heard their bedroom door close . In his mind 's eye he saw Jack kissed Beverly deeply , saw him easing the button - up shirt off her shoulders . He tortured himself by letting himself imagine the way her skin looked , the way it felt , the way it tasted . Moaning softly her rolled onto his side and clutched the extra pillow to his chest . His heart felt like it was doubling over as well . Squeezing his eyes shut tightly he prayed for sleep . Beverly entered the room ahead of Jack and stood somewhat nervously beside the bed . He crossed the room slowly , looking at her the entire time . When he reached her he simply stood and looked into her eyes for several moments . " I love you Beverly . I always have and I always will . " When he kissed her , she responded . When he tried to unbutton her shirt , she helped . But when his mouth came down upon her breast , she froze . She couldn 't do this . She felt her breaths coming in gasps but it was not from passion , but from panic . She had to stop him , had to get away . " Beverly I don 't care about catching your infection . I care about you . I want you . I need you , " he murmured between the kisses he was placing on her chest and neck . " Jack I mean it . We can 't do this . " When he looked her in the eye she tried to lie convincingly . She didn 't want to make love to him , but she didn 't want to hurt him either . " It will hurt if we do Jack . It 'll hurt me . " She saw the pain and rejection in his eyes and wanted to change her mind but knew she couldn 't go through with it . There was only one man that she loved and he was lying two doors down , in pain himself . " Okay , " he sighed , " okay . " And reached for the shirt he had hastily removed minutes before . " Just going … out . I 've got to catch my breath … cleanse my mind . " With a smile to soften the blow , he said , " There 's no way I can sleep beside you in the condition I 'm in . And walks have always worked better than cold showers for me . I 'll be home soon . " She waited until she heard the front door shut and then counted to 500 . If he had forgotten something he would have come back for it by now . She stood and made her way to Jean - Luc 's room . Picard was already sitting up in the bed , with the lamp turned on low . He had heard their room door open and heard the footsteps leaving the house . Getting up he quickly made his way to her side and , placing his hands on her shoulders , said , " Beverly , what happened ? Is something wrong ? " The words tumbled out of her quickly , " I couldn 't do it Jean - Luc . I tried , really I did , but I just couldn 't do it . I couldn 't let him touch me like that . " Sensing her near - panic state he wrapped his arms around her and patted her back to quite her . " Its okay Beverly . It 's really alright . " " No , " she said as she pushed herself back so she could see his face , look into his eyes , " You have to know why . " Pausing she took a deep steadying breath . " I love him Jean - Luc . I always will . He was my first love and the father of my son . But I 'm not in love with him . And I can 't fall back in love with him , even though I 've tried … because I 'm already in love with someone else . " Picard couldn 't breath . He felt her hands run up his chest and cradle either side of his face . " I love you Jean - Luc . I think I 've always loved you but I was so busy mourning Jack and feeling guilty over those feeling that I couldn 't let myself give into them . But now , here , with him back I see that the feelings I have for you are real and true and so much deeper than those I have for him . I 'm tired of being scared and I 'm tired … " but Beverly didn 't get a chance to complete her sentence , for suddenly Jean - Luc 's lips were pressed solidly to hers . She clung to him and returned his kiss with the fervor that she had tried so desperately to find for Jack . The blood surged through her body and she pressed herself against him and gasped into his mouth when she felt the evidence of his desire . Abruptly he tore his mouth from hers . " We can 't do this , " he rasped , " Not here , not now . " Beverly knew he was right . She and Jean - Luc were a lot of things but they were not adulterers but if they made love in this place and time they would both feel like they were . Neither wanted to begin their relationship in a way that would cause that kind of guilt . They stood and looked at each other as they each tried to catch their breaths . When at last he felt that he had regained control of his body , he reached out to stroke her cheek . In a voice that was still hoarse with desire he said , " But the moment we get back on board the Enterprise I intend to prove my love for you . " Q let them suffer till just after breakfast the next morning . After all , with all the trouble they had caused they deserved it , he reasoned . " Really Jack , " Beverly was saying , " someday I think Starfleet will allow families on board starships , " when suddenly the room flashed and she found herself in a strange new room . She looked around and saw Jean - Luc standing across the room . Between them was a king - sized bed . " I did , and I will return you there for the last 24 hours if you so desire , but I thought given your recent revelation that you would like to spend that time here instead . Alone . Together . " Jean - Luc wanted to wipe the smirk off of Q 's self - righteous face but the impact of what he was saying was affecting his thought process . " Where , exactly , is here ? " Picard started to answer but then caught the sadness on Beverly 's face . Was she having second thoughts , regrets already ? Fearing the answer he posed the question to Beverly as lightly as possible , " What do you say Beverly ? Should we stay ? " " Yes . Yes of course . " Beverly knew Picard could read her just as well as those old books that he loved so , " its just that I didn 't get a chance to say goodbye to Wesley that 's all . " Picard hurried to her and wrapped his arms around her tightly , pulling her face into his chest . " Beverly , he wouldn 't have known why you were saying goodbye . To him you are still there . Its better not to upset him . " Pulling away he looked into her eyes and said gently , " but if you want to go back we will . We have the rest of our lives to spend together . It doesn 't have to start today . " She smiled at him and this time he saw that the smile was genuine . She gently brushed her fingertips across his lips and said , " No . I 've waited too many years for you already . I want you now . " " This is just too sickening for words . You two deserve each other , " said Q as he flashed out of the room but the couple did not hear him . They were too busy making up for lost time . This time there would be no regrets , no guilt . No need for a second chance . The End . |
In this time of economic uncertainty , many folks are turning to less traditional means to pick up some extra money and even make a living . Selling secondhand , be it in a mall or flea market or online , is a popular choice . Unfortunately , while some people will succeed at this venture , many of them will not . Most of the failures will happen because people didn 't think things through beyond piling a bunch of stuff in a room somewhere . This work was conceived , in part , to help people plan to succeed . I think it does an excellent job of this . So what did I think ? Well , first off , I have to disclaim and pronounce that I 've had a semi - regular correspondence for a few weeks with one of the authors , Sue , who is a mutual fan of old religious items . I don 't think it colors my perceptions of the work any , but thought it might need to be mentioned . The publication looks incredible ! The layout is clean and easy to follow . The photos are just gorgeous and support the text well . I had a wee bit of a problem getting used to onscreen reading , but that 's mainly because I 'm not a big e - reading person . This is a well - designed , carefully thought out , highly professional looking publication . Good job , folks ! I think it has a look which lends credence to its contents , so you should be congratulated on that . Another high point is the extensive use of stories and anecdotes from other vendors , complete with links to blogs and sites . It 's nice publicity for some folks who have a lot of good experiences to share and stories to tell . Since I don 't deal in a higher - end setting , I learned an awful lot about that world from the book . Vendor 's meetings ? Malls that require vendors to work ? I had no idea ! I found the discussion about crafts to be especially interesting . The limits on merch at my mall are no porn or fire arms . I had no idea that hand - crafted items could be a source of such debate . Kind of makes you think twice about Granny 's quilts . One practical point that the authors keep coming back to , is the dilemma of storage . Stuff doesn 't make you money if it can 't get on your sales floor . And if it 's not in your booth , then it has to go somewhere . And that " somewhere " can quickly turn into your living space , and just as quickly take it over . This may be one of the most important lessons in the book , so I 'm glad they emphasized it over and over . It 's also one I wish I had been better prepared to deal with . ( He said , looking at a dozen tubs of merchandise in his living room . ) Another good point they make right from the start is the amount of work involved if you 're going to do this right . You can 't just grab Mama 's hope chest and china cabinet , throw them in a space somewhere , and then sit back and wait for the bucks to roll in . If that 's what you 're thinking , you definitely need to read this book . There 's so much more involved , particularly if you want to make money . The section on auctions is really good , so are the sections on estate sales , storage , and cleaning items . Lots of detail broken down into digestible chunks make these sections the highlight of the book . The information on auction terms and processing is worth the price of admission alone . The information about choosing a mall is also good , but there is a surprising omission . ( More on that later . ) I loved the sidebar that accompanies that part . It was so good , in fact , that I was a little disappointed that they didn 't carry the sidebar technique throughout the book . It would have enhanced the other chapters quite a bit . Since I seem to be moving that way , maybe it 's time to go ahead and delve into the " not quite as good " bits . I can 't call them the " bad " parts , because there really is no " bad " to this book . It 's just that the high points are so well - done , that it makes some other places , which are still quite good , stand out a little to me . It 's really surprising to me that , since the point of this endeavor is to make money , that no mention is made about sales reports , especially when it comes to choosing a mall . How a mall records and provides sales information is something I think is very important for a potential vendor to consider . Is the check out system computerized , so that you can get an itemized report easily ? How often do they provide reports ? Do they scribble everything in a notebook ? Do you have to ask staff for reports ? How often can you do this ? You can 't always walk into your booth and assume that something has sold just because it 's not there . Regular reports can also help you know how much stuff to bring in and what kind of items to stock up on . Some places limit the number of reports you can request / receive per month . It 's definitely something to consider . Another thing that stood out to me was the attitude towards technology , which I found a little ironic in an e - book . In fact , technology really gets no mention , other a dismissive " no need to invest in complicated software " in the section on accounting . There 's no mention of tech at all in the inventory record - keeping section or , as noted above , in the section about choosing a mall . It feels oddly unbalanced in a work that otherwise gives a pretty even - handed look at different ways of doing things , especially when there are low - cost and even free resources that can help in these areas . There are , after all , some pretty distinct advantages to a computerized approach . It would have been nice to see those explored and their impact on the business explored as thoroughly as , say , the layout of the mall . It 's a pretty noticeable omission in an otherwise complete and thorough work . Overall , though , these are minor quibbles compared to the overall quality and depth of the work . What I hope is that this might be the start of a much larger project , where the book gets revised / updated every couple of years , so that info can be added and things fleshed further out . A guide like this is needed and can be really helpful for someone starting out . It would be so cool if its successful enough that Sue and Inis can make it an ongoing thing . On the one hand , we knew she was seventeen , which is old for a cat . On the other hand , we never saw it coming . One day there was a Bennie in our lives , and the next there wasn 't . The cancers that move so quick in humans , like they did with Mom , are even faster in felines , who are much smaller . It just seemed like all of a sudden , she wasn 't acting right . It happened over a weekend . Like most older kitties , she spent most of her time sleeping , moving between whatever lap she could find and the bed . Keith had gone camping , and I started noticing that , while she was sleeping in the bed , something wasn 't right . She was all the way at the far edge , where she never laid before , like she was trying to move away from everyone else . When a cat starts isolating herself like that , it 's a sign of trouble . She would still respond to me if I laid with her and petted her , making those big loud purrs she always did , so I wasn 't totally sure , but it didn 't feel right . Then I realized she wasn 't eating . That took a bit longer to catch , since she never liked to eat with the boys , but eventually I realized that she wasn 't getting out of bed at all . I took her a few cat treats and she ate them , so I still wasn 't sure . Then on Sunday , I got a whiff of her breath . Foul doesn 't begin to describe it . I told Keith what I was fearing when I got home , and on Monday , we got her an appointment for the next day . When I picked her up to put her in her cage on Tuesday , the side of her face had swollen up . It had not been like that when we had left that morning , but by the afternoon , she looked like a case of kitty mumps . That actually made me feel a little better . I started thinking that maybe it was a bad tooth , which would explain everything - - the bad smell , the not eating , everything . She had had dental problems before , so I knew this would be treatable . Unfortunately , I was wrong . We had forgotten to schedule her annual appointment in the spring because of the time needed to deal with Mom . We kept talking about it all summer , but never did anything about it . I will kick myself for the rest of my life for that . The vet pointed out that she had lost half her body weight , which meant that something had been wrong for a while . We were shocked . We knew she had been eating - - we 'd seen her - - we had no idea she 'd been eating less and less . They took a sample from the lump to do a biopsy , and gave us some canned food , pain meds , and an appetite stimulant to try . While they were pretty sure it was cancer , they wanted to confirm so that we could discuss options . We took her home . She was really groggy from the shot they gave her before they took the sample , but she fell on that plate of soft food . She ate and ate and ate . I put more out a couple of times and only stopped because I didn 't want her to eat so much she threw up . So much for the appetite stimulant . To think , I 'd been prepared to force feed her . She fell asleep right by the plate . The next morning , she had moved to the bedroom , but was turned so she wasn 't facing anyone . She didn 't want to be touched and it was obvious that she was suffering terribly . She wouldn 't even look at the same food she had devoured the night before . I gave her the pain meds , helped her get as settled as possible , told her I loved her and that as soon as I got back from work , I was going to talk to Keith about putting her down . It was unbearable to leave her like that , but I had no one to take over my class , so I had to go . Before Keith could get home from work , she had passed away . I 'm glad she got to go at home , but I hate that she died alone . As long as I live , I 'll never know if we handled that one right . There are way too many " what if 's " and " if only 's . " One of the worst parts about the whole ordeal was fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call Mom and let her know . I inherited the cat lady gene from her , and we talked each other through lots of pet loss over the years . She loved Bennie . ( How could she not ? ) I knew she 'd want to know . There was no Bennie and no Mom to call and tell about it . So all of a sudden , I can 't just grieve my sweet little kitty . I 've got yet another reason to grieve my mother . 2010 was a year of more tears than I ever thought I would shed . Yet as hard as it 's been on me , it 's been worse on Keith . Bennie and her sister Basil were our first kitties . We got them right after we moved in together . Two kitties . Two people . It was kind of predestined that one of them would bond with each of us . Basil was " my " kitty . Bennie was " his . " Basil acted like I had given birth to her . Bennie just seemed to always want to be with Keith . She would sit on his feet , his lap , his legs , his shoulder , anywhere she could get . One of the thoughts I had when we lost Basil was that I wished so bad I could spare him from having that same pain whenever it was Bennie 's turn . I tried , but I know I failed . I can see that look on his face when we suddenly remember something she used to do or think we 've caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of an eye . Seventeen years is a long time to share with a cat . In March 2009 , I had a chance to have a quick visit with Mom . I was at a work conference not far from her place , so I called her and she came over for a little while . She wasn 't feeling very well . She looked tired and run down and said she had a sinus infection . I didn 't think anything of it at the time . It was right after the big ice storm that hit her county so hard , it actually made CNN . She went without power for a while , and I think we both thought she must have gotten sick then . Mom was always prone to colds and sinus infections , which always seemed to hit her hard and last longer than they did in other people . Seeing Mom sick after a hard winter just did not seem to be that unusual . In retrospect , though , this was something entirely new . I 'm now pretty sure that this was the first manifestations of her cancer , but none of us were thinking in that way yet . In the summer , she called me and told me she was going into the hospital . She still wasn 't over her illness , so she was going in for an anti - biotic treatment . They were going to give her some high strength anti - biotics by IV during the day and release her at night to go home . She 'd been scheduled for surgery on her sinuses , and the hope was that the treatment would knock the infection out so they could operate . Right after this , she called again . During some testing that they did during the hospital stay , they discovered a grapefruit sized " mass " in her lung . There wasn 't going to be any sinus surgery . Instead she 'd be going for scans and biopsies and such . It wasn 't good . The mass was cancer , but it had grown to the point that surgery wasn 't an option . It had also spread , primarily into her liver . She was given a prognosis of 4 to 6 months without treatment and 6 to 8 months with treatment . The initial plan was for her to start a course of radiation and chemotherapy within the next few weeks . She was going to do the radiation at a hospital closer to her and the chemo in Louisville . My mother was one of those people that seem to be hyper - sensitive to medication . All of her life , if there was a side effect from something she was taking , she 'd have it , sometimes pretty severely . The thought of her doing radiation and chemo scared me . It 's rough under the best of conditions . I was afraid it would be murder on her . And it was . In November , my uncle Larry passed away unexpectedly . She had started the radiation at that time , and the day of the funeral , she was too weak to attend . None of us , including her , ever saw that one coming . I remember sitting in the funeral home , surrounded by family , and realizing that we 'd be doing this all again . By Thanksgiving , she 'd been hospitalized . Between the radiation and the loss of appetite , she 'd developed anemia and an infection . We had planned a family gathering , but that turned into my brother and I bringing her home . My brother , his wife and I did spend some time cleaning her house and stocking her up on things . She had been so weak for so long , she was leaving her trash bags on the porch , because she couldn 't get across the yard . My brother and I took 300 pounds of trash to the dump . She was supposed to be starting the chemo around that time , but the decision was made to finish the radiation and then start the chemo after the holidays to give her a chance to rest . It was a good decision . Radiation had taken a toll on her , but chemo would be even worse . I never could figure out the effects on her appetite in a way that made sense to me . If she was with me and my brother , she would eat and talk about how good the food was and how much she was eating at one sitting . If she was at home , she wouldn 't eat . By the end of the chemo , she was emaciated and bald . She had one lock of hair in the front that didn 't fall out . It was only a few hairs , but she 'd always comb them forward so that they would show under whatever hat she was wearing . She 'd always been proud of her hair - - managing to create a somewhat civilized , stylized version of a femullet that she rocked right into her late 60 's . When got to the point that I was signing admitting papers and such for her , I 'd show them her id so they 'd know what she looked like before she got sick . Unfortunately , for all the nasty effects on her , the chemo didn 't seem to faze the cancer . At the end of the course , the tumors in her lungs were shrinking , but the ones in her liver were not . Some of them were even growing . She was too weak at that point to start a stronger chemo , so they were going to give her an oral chemo for her lungs and send her home in the hope that she might be stronger in several weeks . Privately , the doctor told my brother that she wasn 't going to get any stronger and would most likely enter a rapid decline within six weeks . In May , that decline hit . We were all working toward getting her moved off the farm and into town during the next to last week in May . My brother and his wife were to help with the move that week . Keith and I were going in the weekend before to pack things up . I was taking off the Thursday and Friday before Memorial Day and staying through the holiday to get them settled . At least that was the plan . The reality was a whirlwind of hospital admissions and releases , hospice involvement , and ultimately , her death . It was so fast , none of us knew what was happening until we were in the middle of it . Keith and I made a surprise visit on Mother 's Day , something I am so glad that we did . She was alert and coherent and able to sit up and visit with us for a bit . It would be the last time . Hours after we left , she was rushed to the hospital . Even though we weren 't supposed to come back for two weeks , we decided to go down the next weekend , since there was a lot of packing to do . It didn 't get done . We had to rush back to the hospital with her . Her pain and weakness were growing so intense that she couldn 't bear them . She 'd go to the hospital , get rehydrated and get new pain meds , stay a couple of days to stabilize and then be released home until the next time . At was also at this time that she started to become more and more incoherent . She 'd been saying for a while that the morphine was making it hard for her to understand things . When we arrived , she was in a panic about a bill that needed to be paid , but she couldn 't remember how to write the check or how to record it in her check register . I helped her through that , but I was so stunned to be doing that for the woman that taught me how to do a check register when I was sixteen . Later , when I was looking back through her stuff , I realized that just three or four days earlier she had written a bunch of checks to pay some bills and had done everything perfectly . Rapid decline , indeed . My brother spent as much time taking her to the hospital as he did moving her when the time came . At the end of that week , she was released to her new place , and we were to start making arrangements for hospice . That all fell through over the weekend . We weren 't able to arrange for any kind of in home care for her , so hospice wouldn 't admit her . Her pain was growing worse and worse , so she was admitted back to the hospital . Sometime around this point , she snapped back to lucidity for a few hours , but it was a paranoid lucidity . One of the side effects of morphine is acute paranoia . The nurses were trying to kill her . The clock was spying on her . The last conversations we ever had with her where she wasn 't either semi - conscious or mumbling through her pain , and they didn 't make any sense . My brother stayed over night with her and said it never got any better . During her last hospital stay we got her doctor to approve her release to a nursing home , instead of going back home . Hospice would step back in with her in the nursing home , because they would be assured of her round the clock care . By Thursday of that week , she had started her final decline . The nursing home called me and I started making calls to the family . I stayed over night with her in the nursing home Thursday night and Friday night . At about 3 or 4 in the morning , the nurse who came to check up on her and give her meds woke me up to tell me her feet were getting cold . A few hours later she was gone . I had been sitting with her and she passed so quietly , I hadn 't even noticed . All of a sudden my brother and I were orphans . All I could feel at that moment was relief . She wasn 't in pain any more and didn 't have to go through that any more . It was over . The time for dealing with loss would come later , but at that moment , Mom wasn 't stuck in the middle of all that any more . One of the things I learned from working with AIDS organizations in the 90 's is that the disease strikes at one person , but it usually manages to wound a larger group of people - - the family and friends of the infected person . I 've never fully experienced that until this roller coaster ride through cancer hell . I 'm not totally sure that this is that I set out to write when I decided to finally say something about Mom 's passing . I think I really wanted to talk about memories and things . But this whole experience has been bottled up for so long , that it was starting to all run together in my mind . I really needed to get the story out first . I 'm not through with this topic , for sure . I have a feeling that I 'll be coming back to it for some time . Headed to Unique on Monday for the half off sale . I was expecting a day of long lines , overly ambitious prices - - even at 50 % off , the eternal struggle for the ever elusive shopping cart , buying lots of bagged sets , and - - just maybe - - one super fabulous score . I was pretty much wrong on all counts , or at least misguided . At the Portland store , I managed to make due without a cart . I found a large , cheap bag on one of the racks and used it instead . I did find one item that wouldn 't fit , but I managed that by checking out when the bag was full and then going back for it . It was a little awkward , and my on my second trip I got stuck in line for a while , but it worked out and I avoided the dread shopping cart vulture line . The large item was a really cool M & M store display rack . M & M stuff sells pretty well for me , so I have hopes for this one . They actually had two of them , but the other one was too banged up for me . The crowd was light , which was a real blessing . The aisles in Portland are so narrow that navigating them when the store is crowded can be nerve - wracking . My first trip through the check out line was quick ans smooth . I had a little bit of a time trying to get the check out person to understand that I didn 't need a bag because I already had one . I didn 't find that super score in Portland , but I did get a Louisville Stoneware " Cookies for Santa " plate that will be a sure seller come Christmastime . Louisville Stoneware is popular here , but hard to find at prices that allow for resale , so this was a nice surprise . Image taken from Louisville Stoneware site . At the Preston store , I couldn 't find a decent bag on the racks , and I did find a few things that I really couldn 't carry easily , which meant I had to do the cart vulture thing . Honestly , the Preston store is much larger than the Portland store , so I don 't understand why they don 't have more carts . For those of you who have never done it , this is the Unique Thrift shopping cart vulture routine : 3 . Stand there with them as they wait to check out . This is a key step . If you don 't guard your promised cart , then someone else will get it . It is extremely awkward , but it is an acceptable part of the social contract at Unique . So is bringing your own cart , which is something I need to start doing . Anyway , the Preston store was extremely crowded , so it took a long time to get through . No real scores , but I did get a Bybee bowl . They 're another awesome local pottery I like to carry when I can find it at a good enough price to resell . " Always , always , always get local stuff when you can , " is one of my primary rules . It doesn 't matter whether it 's local crafts or vintage memorabilia , local sells . As always , one of the most interesting things is the people watching . In Portland , there was a guy standing in the middle of one of the narrow aisles with a stuffed musical frog . He was pressing the button to make it play music over and over and over , like it was favorite song or something . Or else , he 'd maybe somehow avoided seeing stuffed animals that play music all of his life until that moment and was extremely fascinated and bewildered by this new phenomenon . Either way , he was blocking the damn aisle . After about three rounds of frog music , I finally said " Excuse me , " and tried to ease past him . Would you believe he glared at me like I was interrupting some kind of private , intimate moment ? Dude , buy the damn frog and get a room . But , first , get the hell out of my way . One of the real surprises for me was the pricing . Unique tends to be on the high side , so the only time I can really use them as a source is during the half - off days . I noticed on Monday , though , that they 're starting to swing down a little bit . I didn 't have to rely quite so much on cheap bagged sets to find bargains . ( Which is a good thin , since there weren 't that many good bagged sets this time around . ) All in all , it was a fun day . I got enough stuff to make the trip worthwhile . Some of it will go in the booth this week . Some of it will be held for the future . I got some Valentine 's items , which I desperately need , and I 've started the stockpiling for Christmas 2011 . It 's a never ending cycle . The title of this post is an allusion to one of my favorite songs , Robin and Linda Williams ' tribute to the late . great Hank Williams , " Rolling and Rambling . " It 's been on my mind a bit , since we just paseed the anniversary of his death . ( If you don 't know , he died on New Year 's Day . ) So to close out , here 's Emmylou 's version . ( I tried to find one by Robin and Linda , but couldn 't turn up a good video of the two of them doing it . Just some concert shaky cam jobs . ) Yes , I just turned a post about junking into one about Emmylou . Anything can be turned into an Emmylou post , especially around here . You 're surprised ? And since one good video queen deserves another , check out Sue 's video debut over at her blog . I 'm sorry she didn 't make the cut . I 'd rather watch her than those Picker doofuses or that annoying Cash and Cari woman . I do love me some Iris ! She 's got one of those unique voices that either draws you in or repels you , but I can 't get enough of it . She 's a ball to see live . She 's got a really dry sense of humor that I just love . Her songwriting is simple , but vivid ; the imagery in this song is a good example . It 's just so sweet and endearing . I can 't believe it 's been seven years since her last album . I need me some new Iris ! It 's like our looking back has to be all wrapped up well before the ball starts dropping and our looking forward is an insincere little ritual . The reality is , though , that time doesn 't settle into little compartments . The years flow into one another , and the only distinction between them are the arbitrary page breaks on our calendars . The events from the past year keep on rolling and reverberating into the current one for sometime to come . We may only want to spend a few days looking back , but life is a continual process of retrospection in order to renew and move forward . I don 't think our little quickie end of the year procedures do it justice . I 'll freely admit that , for me , some of this comes from the fact that I never seem to have my shit together at the end of the year enough to do my processing when everyone else does . But , I also seem to need more time to really sort through things than other folks do . Not sure why that is , but I do have a tendency to over - think things to death . Given that , it takes me a little longer to transition from one year to the next , especially after a year like this last one . The month of January is named for Janus , the Roman god of doorways . When you pass through a doorway , you move into a new room , but can still see and access the room you left . For this reason , Janus is depicted as having two faces , one looking forward and the other looking back . It 's an image that is actually pretty meaningful for me . If Janus is the symbol for the month , then - - to me , at least - - the whole month ought to be about looking forward and looking back . Or , at least , more than just a day or two . Not that everyone ought to sit around and navel - gaze for four weeks , but somehow , in between the blither and blather of daily life , we ought to spend more time thinking about where we want to go over the next 300 - plus days than the few minutes it takes to babble out a standard resolution about losing weight or stopping smoking . But the 2010 - 2011 transfer is different for me . I 've never had a year like this last one and it 's still echoing through my life . I need to bring some sort of closure to it - - no matter how limited - - for my own sake . I also need to throw out ll these dreams and ideas I have for the upcoming months , just to get them out of my head . If I don 't write them down somewhere , then I don 't have any way of checking back later to see how well I did with them . So , next week is going to be about finally starting to lay the ghosts of 2010 to rest . I think there 'll be about three or four posts worth of stuff for that . After that , I 'm going to finish inviting the new spirits of 2011 in with another couple of posts about my hopes for this year . I always love seeing her perform when she twirls and dances with her guitar ! Thanks to the wonders of the YouTube , I 've probably watched dozens of Emmylou videos , and it seems to me that she always seems so happy when she 's performing with the Nash Ramblers , the band in this video . I know she 's the kind of performer who gives it all every time she comes out on stage , but the energy with this particular combo always strikes me as kind of special . Check out this video for another example of what I 'm talking about . And dig her cowgirl hat while you 're at it ! I guess it 's easy to be upbeat with a great band and a great song , not to mention Sam Bush rocking back and forth with his mandolin . Although I am a little worried that he could put out an eye when he swings his fiddle bow around like he does in the " Louisiana " vid ! It 's off their Vacation lp . The album version had a fun sax solo in place of the guitar solo . When I first came out , I did what a lot of young newly emancipated gay men did and fell madly in love with the first man I went out with . I used to play this song for hours and daydream . I was totally puppy - loved out . The relationship didn 't work out , of course . He was too hung up on an ex to even be aware of how I was feeling . It took me a while to figure it out , but by the end of the year , we were pretty much over . Still , every time I hear this song , I think of being young and goofy , in that way that only someone totally hung up on the wrong person can be . I also remember what a huge thing it was for me to have a crush on another guy and be honest with myself about it . There 's an indescribable feeling that comes when you finally say " This is who I am and it 's okay . " The whole world seems different - - sometimes better , sometimes scarier - - but definitely new . Learning not to be afraid of yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself . It 's twenty - plus years on now . I don 't think the young giddy me could ever imagine being in a long - term relationship , having a mortgage , being so settled . The old , settled me sometimes has a hard time believing that other me ever existed . But this one song takes me right back every time . And I realize that if it weren 't for young , gay , foolish , falling for the wrong guy Eddie , then there wouldn 't be long - term , settled Eddie . What a long , strange trip it 's been . Another reason I like this one so much is because it 's one of the few Go - Go 's songs that takes advantage of Jane as more than a back - up singer . I always wished they had capitalized on her singing more as part of the band . This song , I think , shows what a missed opportunity it was . Last week got eaten by the booth . In a good way , mind you , but it didn 't leave any time for anything else . What I thought would be a two day job turned into three and a half , but it was worth the work . The place looks great ! The Christmas stuff is gone away to storage until next year , except for a few vintage items , which will stay in the booth . Vintage Christmas sells year - round , so I like to have a few things out at all times . It might be the thing that draws someone into the booth . All the shelves are cleaned and dusted , not to mention totally restocked . I had good months in November and December , selling lots of holiday items and a bunch of other stuff as well . Once the holiday stuff was stowed away , the shelves were almost bare ! It was shocking . Now the booth is probably 3 / 4 " new " stuff . I 'm already getting deep into my winter stock , which is a good thing . Stuff is leaving the house and heading to the booth where it should be . I rearranged my main booth , shifting a table and shelf unit to make better use of my peg board wall . I shifted all my religious items to my wall space to draw attention to them . I 'm wanting to phase out of glass stuff , or at least cut back on it , so it went on the shelf unit that used to have the religious stuff . I shifted a couple of small pieces of furniture out to make them more visible . I 've gotten too comfortable using them to display items instead of trying to display them so they 'll sell . Now they 're a bit more prominent and don 't look like just a part of the booth furniture . I bought a couple of new shelf units from another dealer . They 're old store displays and really sturdy . By shifting thing around in my main and my media booths , I was able to fit them in without making it look cluttered . In fact , there is actually more floor space in both booths now . Finally , I created two clearance areas . In the main booth , when an item was a slow - seller , I would it to a bottom shelf . This would free up the " prime " real estate for newer items , but still leave the other items accessible . Every week , one or two things off the bottom shelves would sell , so I think it was worth keeping them around . Still , those shelves were getting pretty crowded . Last summer , I made a great bulk buy of computer books and Spanish instructional tapes from the school systems adult education department . They 've been steady sellers . I 've made my money back three times over on them . But despite selling tons of them , there 's still a lot left and I 'm kind of tired of looking at them . I made a clearance table for them as well , and they are flying out the door ! It was a lot of work , but a new year calls for a new booth , right ? It jump - started my sales right out of their post - holiday lull , which is a good thing . Winter weather can wreak havoc with sales , so every little boost I can create is a good one . They 're calling for three inches of snow today . I 'm hoping it won 't derail the sales train too badly . I 've spent most of the last few days in bed , but did manage to get out to the New Year 's Flea Market Spectacular . There are a couple of regular dealers there where I get supplies for my booth , and I needed a few things . Beyond that , I 've been going to the Flea Market since I was in college , especially the New Year 's show . I had a couple of moments where I thought I wasn 't going to make it all the way through , which would have been a historical second . * I was pretty wiped at the end of the day , though . It wasn 't too bad as flea markets go . It seems that there are fewer dudes selling socks and seen on TV items these days and more selling second - hand items at decent prices these days . Maybe it 's the economy . Anyway , I did find some good stuff , and didn 't spend too much at all . In fact , my booth supplies actually cost more than the other items I got . Prize of the day was most likely a couple of packets of vintage religious pamphlets and pics . They were selling for 50 cents an item , but I asked about a bulk price for both packets . Kind of freaked out the guy selling them , so he had to get his wife . They always have to get their wives . I think most of the guys are just along for the ride or something . Anyway , she counted everything out , then came up with a total based on 25 cents per item , instead of 50 . Then , she knocked four bucks off that , so I got both packets for eight bucks . Pretty good , since her count came up about 10 or 15 less than mine to begin with . ( Sorry no pics . I cannot for the life of me find my camera right now . ) I was a little disappointed in the antique wing this time around . They only have the antique wing a couple times a year any more , and I always look forward to it . If nothing else , it 's a good chance to do some research ( also known as drooling over cool shit ) . The past few times , though , there were a lot of dealers with really good stuff ( not junk ) selling everything for a buck an item . I figure it was probably a sign of the economy , especially since antiques are luxury items . For whatever reason , it was a good source for affordable quality merchandise , even if it only came around twice a year . Well , I guess the economy really is turning around , because a lot of those dealers are easing out of the dollar table business . It 's the same stuff , mind you , but now they 're charging regular antique retail for it . There were still a couple of the bargain folks there , so I did get a few items , but it wasn 't nearly the picking field it had been . I 'm moving into my slow down phase as far as acquiring stuff for the booth goes . It 's winter , and there are fewer buying opportunities , so I stockpiled stuff through the summer to prepare for the lean months . Now it 's time to work through the stockpile . I probably held back a bit too much , because the house is sort of over - run with tubs of merch ! It 's time to get the stuff hauled out and sold . It 's probably going to be a two - day booth run this week . One day to get all the Christmas packed up , things rearranged , and a bunch of stuff marked for clearance , and the second day to cram it full of new stuff . I set a record in December , and want to keep building on it . As far as the blog goes , I think I 'm going to spend this week looking back on 2010 one last time . It wasn 't pretty , but I survived . Then , we 'll look ahead into what I hope 2011 will be . After that , I want to look at some of the junking TV shows that are sprouting up like weeds , and then review the latest bestseller . Who knows ? There might even be a video or two along the way . * When I was in college , my father and I went to the New Year 's Flea Market one year when I had the flu . I lasted about two aisles and had to throw in the towel . My dad talked about it for months . In fact , the whole family talked about it for months . Apparently , my leaving a flea market early for an reason was considered unthinkable to that point . |
In this time of economic uncertainty , many folks are turning to less traditional means to pick up some extra money and even make a living . Selling secondhand , be it in a mall or flea market or online , is a popular choice . Unfortunately , while some people will succeed at this venture , many of them will not . Most of the failures will happen because people didn 't think things through beyond piling a bunch of stuff in a room somewhere . This work was conceived , in part , to help people plan to succeed . I think it does an excellent job of this . So what did I think ? Well , first off , I have to disclaim and pronounce that I 've had a semi - regular correspondence for a few weeks with one of the authors , Sue , who is a mutual fan of old religious items . I don 't think it colors my perceptions of the work any , but thought it might need to be mentioned . The publication looks incredible ! The layout is clean and easy to follow . The photos are just gorgeous and support the text well . I had a wee bit of a problem getting used to onscreen reading , but that 's mainly because I 'm not a big e - reading person . This is a well - designed , carefully thought out , highly professional looking publication . Good job , folks ! I think it has a look which lends credence to its contents , so you should be congratulated on that . Another high point is the extensive use of stories and anecdotes from other vendors , complete with links to blogs and sites . It 's nice publicity for some folks who have a lot of good experiences to share and stories to tell . Since I don 't deal in a higher - end setting , I learned an awful lot about that world from the book . Vendor 's meetings ? Malls that require vendors to work ? I had no idea ! I found the discussion about crafts to be especially interesting . The limits on merch at my mall are no porn or fire arms . I had no idea that hand - crafted items could be a source of such debate . Kind of makes you think twice about Granny 's quilts . One practical point that the authors keep coming back to , is the dilemma of storage . Stuff doesn 't make you money if it can 't get on your sales floor . And if it 's not in your booth , then it has to go somewhere . And that " somewhere " can quickly turn into your living space , and just as quickly take it over . This may be one of the most important lessons in the book , so I 'm glad they emphasized it over and over . It 's also one I wish I had been better prepared to deal with . ( He said , looking at a dozen tubs of merchandise in his living room . ) Another good point they make right from the start is the amount of work involved if you 're going to do this right . You can 't just grab Mama 's hope chest and china cabinet , throw them in a space somewhere , and then sit back and wait for the bucks to roll in . If that 's what you 're thinking , you definitely need to read this book . There 's so much more involved , particularly if you want to make money . The section on auctions is really good , so are the sections on estate sales , storage , and cleaning items . Lots of detail broken down into digestible chunks make these sections the highlight of the book . The information on auction terms and processing is worth the price of admission alone . The information about choosing a mall is also good , but there is a surprising omission . ( More on that later . ) I loved the sidebar that accompanies that part . It was so good , in fact , that I was a little disappointed that they didn 't carry the sidebar technique throughout the book . It would have enhanced the other chapters quite a bit . Since I seem to be moving that way , maybe it 's time to go ahead and delve into the " not quite as good " bits . I can 't call them the " bad " parts , because there really is no " bad " to this book . It 's just that the high points are so well - done , that it makes some other places , which are still quite good , stand out a little to me . It 's really surprising to me that , since the point of this endeavor is to make money , that no mention is made about sales reports , especially when it comes to choosing a mall . How a mall records and provides sales information is something I think is very important for a potential vendor to consider . Is the check out system computerized , so that you can get an itemized report easily ? How often do they provide reports ? Do they scribble everything in a notebook ? Do you have to ask staff for reports ? How often can you do this ? You can 't always walk into your booth and assume that something has sold just because it 's not there . Regular reports can also help you know how much stuff to bring in and what kind of items to stock up on . Some places limit the number of reports you can request / receive per month . It 's definitely something to consider . Another thing that stood out to me was the attitude towards technology , which I found a little ironic in an e - book . In fact , technology really gets no mention , other a dismissive " no need to invest in complicated software " in the section on accounting . There 's no mention of tech at all in the inventory record - keeping section or , as noted above , in the section about choosing a mall . It feels oddly unbalanced in a work that otherwise gives a pretty even - handed look at different ways of doing things , especially when there are low - cost and even free resources that can help in these areas . There are , after all , some pretty distinct advantages to a computerized approach . It would have been nice to see those explored and their impact on the business explored as thoroughly as , say , the layout of the mall . It 's a pretty noticeable omission in an otherwise complete and thorough work . Overall , though , these are minor quibbles compared to the overall quality and depth of the work . What I hope is that this might be the start of a much larger project , where the book gets revised / updated every couple of years , so that info can be added and things fleshed further out . A guide like this is needed and can be really helpful for someone starting out . It would be so cool if its successful enough that Sue and Inis can make it an ongoing thing . On the one hand , we knew she was seventeen , which is old for a cat . On the other hand , we never saw it coming . One day there was a Bennie in our lives , and the next there wasn 't . The cancers that move so quick in humans , like they did with Mom , are even faster in felines , who are much smaller . It just seemed like all of a sudden , she wasn 't acting right . It happened over a weekend . Like most older kitties , she spent most of her time sleeping , moving between whatever lap she could find and the bed . Keith had gone camping , and I started noticing that , while she was sleeping in the bed , something wasn 't right . She was all the way at the far edge , where she never laid before , like she was trying to move away from everyone else . When a cat starts isolating herself like that , it 's a sign of trouble . She would still respond to me if I laid with her and petted her , making those big loud purrs she always did , so I wasn 't totally sure , but it didn 't feel right . Then I realized she wasn 't eating . That took a bit longer to catch , since she never liked to eat with the boys , but eventually I realized that she wasn 't getting out of bed at all . I took her a few cat treats and she ate them , so I still wasn 't sure . Then on Sunday , I got a whiff of her breath . Foul doesn 't begin to describe it . I told Keith what I was fearing when I got home , and on Monday , we got her an appointment for the next day . When I picked her up to put her in her cage on Tuesday , the side of her face had swollen up . It had not been like that when we had left that morning , but by the afternoon , she looked like a case of kitty mumps . That actually made me feel a little better . I started thinking that maybe it was a bad tooth , which would explain everything - - the bad smell , the not eating , everything . She had had dental problems before , so I knew this would be treatable . Unfortunately , I was wrong . We had forgotten to schedule her annual appointment in the spring because of the time needed to deal with Mom . We kept talking about it all summer , but never did anything about it . I will kick myself for the rest of my life for that . The vet pointed out that she had lost half her body weight , which meant that something had been wrong for a while . We were shocked . We knew she had been eating - - we 'd seen her - - we had no idea she 'd been eating less and less . They took a sample from the lump to do a biopsy , and gave us some canned food , pain meds , and an appetite stimulant to try . While they were pretty sure it was cancer , they wanted to confirm so that we could discuss options . We took her home . She was really groggy from the shot they gave her before they took the sample , but she fell on that plate of soft food . She ate and ate and ate . I put more out a couple of times and only stopped because I didn 't want her to eat so much she threw up . So much for the appetite stimulant . To think , I 'd been prepared to force feed her . She fell asleep right by the plate . The next morning , she had moved to the bedroom , but was turned so she wasn 't facing anyone . She didn 't want to be touched and it was obvious that she was suffering terribly . She wouldn 't even look at the same food she had devoured the night before . I gave her the pain meds , helped her get as settled as possible , told her I loved her and that as soon as I got back from work , I was going to talk to Keith about putting her down . It was unbearable to leave her like that , but I had no one to take over my class , so I had to go . Before Keith could get home from work , she had passed away . I 'm glad she got to go at home , but I hate that she died alone . As long as I live , I 'll never know if we handled that one right . There are way too many " what if 's " and " if only 's . " One of the worst parts about the whole ordeal was fighting the urge to pick up the phone and call Mom and let her know . I inherited the cat lady gene from her , and we talked each other through lots of pet loss over the years . She loved Bennie . ( How could she not ? ) I knew she 'd want to know . There was no Bennie and no Mom to call and tell about it . So all of a sudden , I can 't just grieve my sweet little kitty . I 've got yet another reason to grieve my mother . 2010 was a year of more tears than I ever thought I would shed . Yet as hard as it 's been on me , it 's been worse on Keith . Bennie and her sister Basil were our first kitties . We got them right after we moved in together . Two kitties . Two people . It was kind of predestined that one of them would bond with each of us . Basil was " my " kitty . Bennie was " his . " Basil acted like I had given birth to her . Bennie just seemed to always want to be with Keith . She would sit on his feet , his lap , his legs , his shoulder , anywhere she could get . One of the thoughts I had when we lost Basil was that I wished so bad I could spare him from having that same pain whenever it was Bennie 's turn . I tried , but I know I failed . I can see that look on his face when we suddenly remember something she used to do or think we 've caught a glimpse of her out of the corner of an eye . Seventeen years is a long time to share with a cat . In March 2009 , I had a chance to have a quick visit with Mom . I was at a work conference not far from her place , so I called her and she came over for a little while . She wasn 't feeling very well . She looked tired and run down and said she had a sinus infection . I didn 't think anything of it at the time . It was right after the big ice storm that hit her county so hard , it actually made CNN . She went without power for a while , and I think we both thought she must have gotten sick then . Mom was always prone to colds and sinus infections , which always seemed to hit her hard and last longer than they did in other people . Seeing Mom sick after a hard winter just did not seem to be that unusual . In retrospect , though , this was something entirely new . I 'm now pretty sure that this was the first manifestations of her cancer , but none of us were thinking in that way yet . In the summer , she called me and told me she was going into the hospital . She still wasn 't over her illness , so she was going in for an anti - biotic treatment . They were going to give her some high strength anti - biotics by IV during the day and release her at night to go home . She 'd been scheduled for surgery on her sinuses , and the hope was that the treatment would knock the infection out so they could operate . Right after this , she called again . During some testing that they did during the hospital stay , they discovered a grapefruit sized " mass " in her lung . There wasn 't going to be any sinus surgery . Instead she 'd be going for scans and biopsies and such . It wasn 't good . The mass was cancer , but it had grown to the point that surgery wasn 't an option . It had also spread , primarily into her liver . She was given a prognosis of 4 to 6 months without treatment and 6 to 8 months with treatment . The initial plan was for her to start a course of radiation and chemotherapy within the next few weeks . She was going to do the radiation at a hospital closer to her and the chemo in Louisville . My mother was one of those people that seem to be hyper - sensitive to medication . All of her life , if there was a side effect from something she was taking , she 'd have it , sometimes pretty severely . The thought of her doing radiation and chemo scared me . It 's rough under the best of conditions . I was afraid it would be murder on her . And it was . In November , my uncle Larry passed away unexpectedly . She had started the radiation at that time , and the day of the funeral , she was too weak to attend . None of us , including her , ever saw that one coming . I remember sitting in the funeral home , surrounded by family , and realizing that we 'd be doing this all again . By Thanksgiving , she 'd been hospitalized . Between the radiation and the loss of appetite , she 'd developed anemia and an infection . We had planned a family gathering , but that turned into my brother and I bringing her home . My brother , his wife and I did spend some time cleaning her house and stocking her up on things . She had been so weak for so long , she was leaving her trash bags on the porch , because she couldn 't get across the yard . My brother and I took 300 pounds of trash to the dump . She was supposed to be starting the chemo around that time , but the decision was made to finish the radiation and then start the chemo after the holidays to give her a chance to rest . It was a good decision . Radiation had taken a toll on her , but chemo would be even worse . I never could figure out the effects on her appetite in a way that made sense to me . If she was with me and my brother , she would eat and talk about how good the food was and how much she was eating at one sitting . If she was at home , she wouldn 't eat . By the end of the chemo , she was emaciated and bald . She had one lock of hair in the front that didn 't fall out . It was only a few hairs , but she 'd always comb them forward so that they would show under whatever hat she was wearing . She 'd always been proud of her hair - - managing to create a somewhat civilized , stylized version of a femullet that she rocked right into her late 60 's . When got to the point that I was signing admitting papers and such for her , I 'd show them her id so they 'd know what she looked like before she got sick . Unfortunately , for all the nasty effects on her , the chemo didn 't seem to faze the cancer . At the end of the course , the tumors in her lungs were shrinking , but the ones in her liver were not . Some of them were even growing . She was too weak at that point to start a stronger chemo , so they were going to give her an oral chemo for her lungs and send her home in the hope that she might be stronger in several weeks . Privately , the doctor told my brother that she wasn 't going to get any stronger and would most likely enter a rapid decline within six weeks . In May , that decline hit . We were all working toward getting her moved off the farm and into town during the next to last week in May . My brother and his wife were to help with the move that week . Keith and I were going in the weekend before to pack things up . I was taking off the Thursday and Friday before Memorial Day and staying through the holiday to get them settled . At least that was the plan . The reality was a whirlwind of hospital admissions and releases , hospice involvement , and ultimately , her death . It was so fast , none of us knew what was happening until we were in the middle of it . Keith and I made a surprise visit on Mother 's Day , something I am so glad that we did . She was alert and coherent and able to sit up and visit with us for a bit . It would be the last time . Hours after we left , she was rushed to the hospital . Even though we weren 't supposed to come back for two weeks , we decided to go down the next weekend , since there was a lot of packing to do . It didn 't get done . We had to rush back to the hospital with her . Her pain and weakness were growing so intense that she couldn 't bear them . She 'd go to the hospital , get rehydrated and get new pain meds , stay a couple of days to stabilize and then be released home until the next time . At was also at this time that she started to become more and more incoherent . She 'd been saying for a while that the morphine was making it hard for her to understand things . When we arrived , she was in a panic about a bill that needed to be paid , but she couldn 't remember how to write the check or how to record it in her check register . I helped her through that , but I was so stunned to be doing that for the woman that taught me how to do a check register when I was sixteen . Later , when I was looking back through her stuff , I realized that just three or four days earlier she had written a bunch of checks to pay some bills and had done everything perfectly . Rapid decline , indeed . My brother spent as much time taking her to the hospital as he did moving her when the time came . At the end of that week , she was released to her new place , and we were to start making arrangements for hospice . That all fell through over the weekend . We weren 't able to arrange for any kind of in home care for her , so hospice wouldn 't admit her . Her pain was growing worse and worse , so she was admitted back to the hospital . Sometime around this point , she snapped back to lucidity for a few hours , but it was a paranoid lucidity . One of the side effects of morphine is acute paranoia . The nurses were trying to kill her . The clock was spying on her . The last conversations we ever had with her where she wasn 't either semi - conscious or mumbling through her pain , and they didn 't make any sense . My brother stayed over night with her and said it never got any better . During her last hospital stay we got her doctor to approve her release to a nursing home , instead of going back home . Hospice would step back in with her in the nursing home , because they would be assured of her round the clock care . By Thursday of that week , she had started her final decline . The nursing home called me and I started making calls to the family . I stayed over night with her in the nursing home Thursday night and Friday night . At about 3 or 4 in the morning , the nurse who came to check up on her and give her meds woke me up to tell me her feet were getting cold . A few hours later she was gone . I had been sitting with her and she passed so quietly , I hadn 't even noticed . All of a sudden my brother and I were orphans . All I could feel at that moment was relief . She wasn 't in pain any more and didn 't have to go through that any more . It was over . The time for dealing with loss would come later , but at that moment , Mom wasn 't stuck in the middle of all that any more . One of the things I learned from working with AIDS organizations in the 90 's is that the disease strikes at one person , but it usually manages to wound a larger group of people - - the family and friends of the infected person . I 've never fully experienced that until this roller coaster ride through cancer hell . I 'm not totally sure that this is that I set out to write when I decided to finally say something about Mom 's passing . I think I really wanted to talk about memories and things . But this whole experience has been bottled up for so long , that it was starting to all run together in my mind . I really needed to get the story out first . I 'm not through with this topic , for sure . I have a feeling that I 'll be coming back to it for some time . Headed to Unique on Monday for the half off sale . I was expecting a day of long lines , overly ambitious prices - - even at 50 % off , the eternal struggle for the ever elusive shopping cart , buying lots of bagged sets , and - - just maybe - - one super fabulous score . I was pretty much wrong on all counts , or at least misguided . At the Portland store , I managed to make due without a cart . I found a large , cheap bag on one of the racks and used it instead . I did find one item that wouldn 't fit , but I managed that by checking out when the bag was full and then going back for it . It was a little awkward , and my on my second trip I got stuck in line for a while , but it worked out and I avoided the dread shopping cart vulture line . The large item was a really cool M & M store display rack . M & M stuff sells pretty well for me , so I have hopes for this one . They actually had two of them , but the other one was too banged up for me . The crowd was light , which was a real blessing . The aisles in Portland are so narrow that navigating them when the store is crowded can be nerve - wracking . My first trip through the check out line was quick ans smooth . I had a little bit of a time trying to get the check out person to understand that I didn 't need a bag because I already had one . I didn 't find that super score in Portland , but I did get a Louisville Stoneware " Cookies for Santa " plate that will be a sure seller come Christmastime . Louisville Stoneware is popular here , but hard to find at prices that allow for resale , so this was a nice surprise . Image taken from Louisville Stoneware site . At the Preston store , I couldn 't find a decent bag on the racks , and I did find a few things that I really couldn 't carry easily , which meant I had to do the cart vulture thing . Honestly , the Preston store is much larger than the Portland store , so I don 't understand why they don 't have more carts . For those of you who have never done it , this is the Unique Thrift shopping cart vulture routine : 3 . Stand there with them as they wait to check out . This is a key step . If you don 't guard your promised cart , then someone else will get it . It is extremely awkward , but it is an acceptable part of the social contract at Unique . So is bringing your own cart , which is something I need to start doing . Anyway , the Preston store was extremely crowded , so it took a long time to get through . No real scores , but I did get a Bybee bowl . They 're another awesome local pottery I like to carry when I can find it at a good enough price to resell . " Always , always , always get local stuff when you can , " is one of my primary rules . It doesn 't matter whether it 's local crafts or vintage memorabilia , local sells . As always , one of the most interesting things is the people watching . In Portland , there was a guy standing in the middle of one of the narrow aisles with a stuffed musical frog . He was pressing the button to make it play music over and over and over , like it was favorite song or something . Or else , he 'd maybe somehow avoided seeing stuffed animals that play music all of his life until that moment and was extremely fascinated and bewildered by this new phenomenon . Either way , he was blocking the damn aisle . After about three rounds of frog music , I finally said " Excuse me , " and tried to ease past him . Would you believe he glared at me like I was interrupting some kind of private , intimate moment ? Dude , buy the damn frog and get a room . But , first , get the hell out of my way . One of the real surprises for me was the pricing . Unique tends to be on the high side , so the only time I can really use them as a source is during the half - off days . I noticed on Monday , though , that they 're starting to swing down a little bit . I didn 't have to rely quite so much on cheap bagged sets to find bargains . ( Which is a good thin , since there weren 't that many good bagged sets this time around . ) All in all , it was a fun day . I got enough stuff to make the trip worthwhile . Some of it will go in the booth this week . Some of it will be held for the future . I got some Valentine 's items , which I desperately need , and I 've started the stockpiling for Christmas 2011 . It 's a never ending cycle . The title of this post is an allusion to one of my favorite songs , Robin and Linda Williams ' tribute to the late . great Hank Williams , " Rolling and Rambling . " It 's been on my mind a bit , since we just paseed the anniversary of his death . ( If you don 't know , he died on New Year 's Day . ) So to close out , here 's Emmylou 's version . ( I tried to find one by Robin and Linda , but couldn 't turn up a good video of the two of them doing it . Just some concert shaky cam jobs . ) Yes , I just turned a post about junking into one about Emmylou . Anything can be turned into an Emmylou post , especially around here . You 're surprised ? And since one good video queen deserves another , check out Sue 's video debut over at her blog . I 'm sorry she didn 't make the cut . I 'd rather watch her than those Picker doofuses or that annoying Cash and Cari woman . I do love me some Iris ! She 's got one of those unique voices that either draws you in or repels you , but I can 't get enough of it . She 's a ball to see live . She 's got a really dry sense of humor that I just love . Her songwriting is simple , but vivid ; the imagery in this song is a good example . It 's just so sweet and endearing . I can 't believe it 's been seven years since her last album . I need me some new Iris ! It 's like our looking back has to be all wrapped up well before the ball starts dropping and our looking forward is an insincere little ritual . The reality is , though , that time doesn 't settle into little compartments . The years flow into one another , and the only distinction between them are the arbitrary page breaks on our calendars . The events from the past year keep on rolling and reverberating into the current one for sometime to come . We may only want to spend a few days looking back , but life is a continual process of retrospection in order to renew and move forward . I don 't think our little quickie end of the year procedures do it justice . I 'll freely admit that , for me , some of this comes from the fact that I never seem to have my shit together at the end of the year enough to do my processing when everyone else does . But , I also seem to need more time to really sort through things than other folks do . Not sure why that is , but I do have a tendency to over - think things to death . Given that , it takes me a little longer to transition from one year to the next , especially after a year like this last one . The month of January is named for Janus , the Roman god of doorways . When you pass through a doorway , you move into a new room , but can still see and access the room you left . For this reason , Janus is depicted as having two faces , one looking forward and the other looking back . It 's an image that is actually pretty meaningful for me . If Janus is the symbol for the month , then - - to me , at least - - the whole month ought to be about looking forward and looking back . Or , at least , more than just a day or two . Not that everyone ought to sit around and navel - gaze for four weeks , but somehow , in between the blither and blather of daily life , we ought to spend more time thinking about where we want to go over the next 300 - plus days than the few minutes it takes to babble out a standard resolution about losing weight or stopping smoking . But the 2010 - 2011 transfer is different for me . I 've never had a year like this last one and it 's still echoing through my life . I need to bring some sort of closure to it - - no matter how limited - - for my own sake . I also need to throw out ll these dreams and ideas I have for the upcoming months , just to get them out of my head . If I don 't write them down somewhere , then I don 't have any way of checking back later to see how well I did with them . So , next week is going to be about finally starting to lay the ghosts of 2010 to rest . I think there 'll be about three or four posts worth of stuff for that . After that , I 'm going to finish inviting the new spirits of 2011 in with another couple of posts about my hopes for this year . I always love seeing her perform when she twirls and dances with her guitar ! Thanks to the wonders of the YouTube , I 've probably watched dozens of Emmylou videos , and it seems to me that she always seems so happy when she 's performing with the Nash Ramblers , the band in this video . I know she 's the kind of performer who gives it all every time she comes out on stage , but the energy with this particular combo always strikes me as kind of special . Check out this video for another example of what I 'm talking about . And dig her cowgirl hat while you 're at it ! I guess it 's easy to be upbeat with a great band and a great song , not to mention Sam Bush rocking back and forth with his mandolin . Although I am a little worried that he could put out an eye when he swings his fiddle bow around like he does in the " Louisiana " vid ! It 's off their Vacation lp . The album version had a fun sax solo in place of the guitar solo . When I first came out , I did what a lot of young newly emancipated gay men did and fell madly in love with the first man I went out with . I used to play this song for hours and daydream . I was totally puppy - loved out . The relationship didn 't work out , of course . He was too hung up on an ex to even be aware of how I was feeling . It took me a while to figure it out , but by the end of the year , we were pretty much over . Still , every time I hear this song , I think of being young and goofy , in that way that only someone totally hung up on the wrong person can be . I also remember what a huge thing it was for me to have a crush on another guy and be honest with myself about it . There 's an indescribable feeling that comes when you finally say " This is who I am and it 's okay . " The whole world seems different - - sometimes better , sometimes scarier - - but definitely new . Learning not to be afraid of yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself . It 's twenty - plus years on now . I don 't think the young giddy me could ever imagine being in a long - term relationship , having a mortgage , being so settled . The old , settled me sometimes has a hard time believing that other me ever existed . But this one song takes me right back every time . And I realize that if it weren 't for young , gay , foolish , falling for the wrong guy Eddie , then there wouldn 't be long - term , settled Eddie . What a long , strange trip it 's been . Another reason I like this one so much is because it 's one of the few Go - Go 's songs that takes advantage of Jane as more than a back - up singer . I always wished they had capitalized on her singing more as part of the band . This song , I think , shows what a missed opportunity it was . Last week got eaten by the booth . In a good way , mind you , but it didn 't leave any time for anything else . What I thought would be a two day job turned into three and a half , but it was worth the work . The place looks great ! The Christmas stuff is gone away to storage until next year , except for a few vintage items , which will stay in the booth . Vintage Christmas sells year - round , so I like to have a few things out at all times . It might be the thing that draws someone into the booth . All the shelves are cleaned and dusted , not to mention totally restocked . I had good months in November and December , selling lots of holiday items and a bunch of other stuff as well . Once the holiday stuff was stowed away , the shelves were almost bare ! It was shocking . Now the booth is probably 3 / 4 " new " stuff . I 'm already getting deep into my winter stock , which is a good thing . Stuff is leaving the house and heading to the booth where it should be . I rearranged my main booth , shifting a table and shelf unit to make better use of my peg board wall . I shifted all my religious items to my wall space to draw attention to them . I 'm wanting to phase out of glass stuff , or at least cut back on it , so it went on the shelf unit that used to have the religious stuff . I shifted a couple of small pieces of furniture out to make them more visible . I 've gotten too comfortable using them to display items instead of trying to display them so they 'll sell . Now they 're a bit more prominent and don 't look like just a part of the booth furniture . I bought a couple of new shelf units from another dealer . They 're old store displays and really sturdy . By shifting thing around in my main and my media booths , I was able to fit them in without making it look cluttered . In fact , there is actually more floor space in both booths now . Finally , I created two clearance areas . In the main booth , when an item was a slow - seller , I would it to a bottom shelf . This would free up the " prime " real estate for newer items , but still leave the other items accessible . Every week , one or two things off the bottom shelves would sell , so I think it was worth keeping them around . Still , those shelves were getting pretty crowded . Last summer , I made a great bulk buy of computer books and Spanish instructional tapes from the school systems adult education department . They 've been steady sellers . I 've made my money back three times over on them . But despite selling tons of them , there 's still a lot left and I 'm kind of tired of looking at them . I made a clearance table for them as well , and they are flying out the door ! It was a lot of work , but a new year calls for a new booth , right ? It jump - started my sales right out of their post - holiday lull , which is a good thing . Winter weather can wreak havoc with sales , so every little boost I can create is a good one . They 're calling for three inches of snow today . I 'm hoping it won 't derail the sales train too badly . I 've spent most of the last few days in bed , but did manage to get out to the New Year 's Flea Market Spectacular . There are a couple of regular dealers there where I get supplies for my booth , and I needed a few things . Beyond that , I 've been going to the Flea Market since I was in college , especially the New Year 's show . I had a couple of moments where I thought I wasn 't going to make it all the way through , which would have been a historical second . * I was pretty wiped at the end of the day , though . It wasn 't too bad as flea markets go . It seems that there are fewer dudes selling socks and seen on TV items these days and more selling second - hand items at decent prices these days . Maybe it 's the economy . Anyway , I did find some good stuff , and didn 't spend too much at all . In fact , my booth supplies actually cost more than the other items I got . Prize of the day was most likely a couple of packets of vintage religious pamphlets and pics . They were selling for 50 cents an item , but I asked about a bulk price for both packets . Kind of freaked out the guy selling them , so he had to get his wife . They always have to get their wives . I think most of the guys are just along for the ride or something . Anyway , she counted everything out , then came up with a total based on 25 cents per item , instead of 50 . Then , she knocked four bucks off that , so I got both packets for eight bucks . Pretty good , since her count came up about 10 or 15 less than mine to begin with . ( Sorry no pics . I cannot for the life of me find my camera right now . ) I was a little disappointed in the antique wing this time around . They only have the antique wing a couple times a year any more , and I always look forward to it . If nothing else , it 's a good chance to do some research ( also known as drooling over cool shit ) . The past few times , though , there were a lot of dealers with really good stuff ( not junk ) selling everything for a buck an item . I figure it was probably a sign of the economy , especially since antiques are luxury items . For whatever reason , it was a good source for affordable quality merchandise , even if it only came around twice a year . Well , I guess the economy really is turning around , because a lot of those dealers are easing out of the dollar table business . It 's the same stuff , mind you , but now they 're charging regular antique retail for it . There were still a couple of the bargain folks there , so I did get a few items , but it wasn 't nearly the picking field it had been . I 'm moving into my slow down phase as far as acquiring stuff for the booth goes . It 's winter , and there are fewer buying opportunities , so I stockpiled stuff through the summer to prepare for the lean months . Now it 's time to work through the stockpile . I probably held back a bit too much , because the house is sort of over - run with tubs of merch ! It 's time to get the stuff hauled out and sold . It 's probably going to be a two - day booth run this week . One day to get all the Christmas packed up , things rearranged , and a bunch of stuff marked for clearance , and the second day to cram it full of new stuff . I set a record in December , and want to keep building on it . As far as the blog goes , I think I 'm going to spend this week looking back on 2010 one last time . It wasn 't pretty , but I survived . Then , we 'll look ahead into what I hope 2011 will be . After that , I want to look at some of the junking TV shows that are sprouting up like weeds , and then review the latest bestseller . Who knows ? There might even be a video or two along the way . * When I was in college , my father and I went to the New Year 's Flea Market one year when I had the flu . I lasted about two aisles and had to throw in the towel . My dad talked about it for months . In fact , the whole family talked about it for months . Apparently , my leaving a flea market early for an reason was considered unthinkable to that point . |
Our church life here had strange beginnings . We used to attend The New Life Church in Retford , where the worship was beautiful , and the teaching immaculate . We knew the Lord had led us to Derbyshire , so we expected to leave our prospective place of worship in His capable hands . Mr O passed a church one evening on the way home from work , and suggested we go there the following Sunday . This was in the run - up to Christmas . We went for a few weeks , and got a very warm welcome , but found ourselves nearly nodding off during the service . And then in one sermon the preacher described God talking to Moses , and said , " Of course , God isn 't going to communicate with people like that today . " Oh really ? As someone who communicates with God frequently , and knows it is very much a two - way conversation , I knew I wasn 't going to be able to cope with that . The second church had truly amazing worship , and we went there for a few months . But the teaching was abysmal , and then became non - existant . Oh dear . So we were praying . Was it our job to stay here , encourage them to preach and maybe do some ourselves ? But they were too much into the ' slain in the spirit ' scenario , whereas we are , ' been there , done that , and guys , it doesn 't actually work ! Then I was looking on the ' net one day , at the AOG website , at ' churches in Derbyshire ' , and came across The Zion Church , Chesterfield . There was something about the website that really attracted me . We were due to go to Chatsworth Horse Trials , but when we got there , it was cancelled due to bad weather . I said , " That 's okay , because I know where we 're supposed to go , " and directed Mr O to the church . We walked in , we sat down , we worshipped God , and it was . . . wonderful , like coming home . We 've been going there ever since . I have no idea , to this day , why the Lord didn 't show us this place straight away , but I knew , sitting in the other churches , that we were being given second best , and the Lord wants only the best for us . I am thrilled too , that no one at Zion judges us when we can 't be there becPosted by It 's nearly the end of 2009 , and what a year it 's been . So much of our lives has changed over this past year . Nothing is the same . Last Christmas Max arrived here from the Woodsetts field where he had been recovering from a bout of lameness . Barnaby was still recovering from his broken pedal bone , which took exactly a year to heal , and Zak was on box rest recovering from his tendon injury . We were getting used to living in a tiny cottage rather than a five bedroomed town house . I must just tell you that this house is totally open plan . We walk in the back door , cross the kitchen , go down four steps into the sitting room , walk across that to the flight of stairs up to the bedroom , and there 's a shower room , and that 's it ! There is no more . Tessa took about twenty minutes to realise that if she laid in her bed and whimpered , we 'd be able to hear her upstairs , so she lay in her bed on that first night and began to whimper with a vengeance . We stood it for about half an hour before giving in and calling her up to bed with us . Not long after that we bought a stairgate , so she remains in the kitchen , as the next discovery was that nobody , under any circumstances , was allowed to wear shoes in the sitting room on the beige carpet , and doggy paw prints are right out . But outside the house , we 've had to make mental and physical adjustments , too . I have gone from doing a very sedentary desk job to mucking out three , then four and now six horses , but I 've gradually got used to it . I 've written elsewhere about how I 've recovered emotionally from the stresses and strains of work , to stretch out luxuriously into the person I was designed to be . I am sure this job wouldn 't be to everyone 's taste , because I spend days and days on my own , but to me it is bliss . I get to read , cook , pray , ride and listen to music how , where and when I like , with no interruptions , no sarcastic comments , no suggestions , just my own company , and I love it . I have made the slow transition from life on a livery yard , to being able to see my horse from my kiPosted by A busy day yesterday . We decided to ride , and took the horses up to the manege . The roads were clear , but there was ice all over Jolly Farmer 's driveway , so I hopped off Max and lead him up . It 's the first time Mr O has been there , although of course I 've ridden Barnaby there quite often . There was still snow on the surface , so we did a lot of walking round , and did manage to have a trot , but the ice balled up in the horses ' hooves again , so we ended up taking them out . Fortunately there was a girl on the yard who lent us a hoof pick , otherwise we would have had to lead the boys home . I said we wouldn 't have a canter on the verge , then saw that it looked nice and changed my mind , so we set off , Max straight into flat - out gallop . I 'm wondering if it might be worth not riding him at all while the weather is like this , and start again in the spring , rather than doing it in fits and starts like this . We mucked out when we got back . Missis ' horses were all in . Mr O stood there making up the night feeds . Our feed bins are right up against the outside of Fudge 's stable , so he can reach over and touch you while you 're doing it . He was watching what Mr O was doing , then he picked up his breakfast bowl in his teeth and swung it over the stable , where it landed in the Mollichop bin , as if to say , " While you 're at it , put some in there please ! " It was so clever , Mr O couldn 't resist it and gave him some chop to eat . It 's the cutest thing I 've ever seen a pony do . I have bought myself a new magazine called Cardmaking . It is absolutely brilliant , and comes with some free stamps , which are very sweet . I will have to practise with them . I am dying to go back to the craft shop to stock up on card and a couple of punches . It isn 't going to take me long to finish my latest cross stitch either , as I am more methodical and therefore quicker , each time I start a new project . Time to try something a little more complicated I think . Pongo and Missis had a games night last night . Loads of her family were there , plus our nearest neighbours , Posted by Finally , the day I have been waiting for , came yesterday , for two reasons : 1 . We rode . At last . It has been killing me not to go out . We had to stick to the main roads , as a lot of the side roads are still snow covered or icy . We went up Birkin Lane , which confused the horses , as we 've never done it before , but I knew there wouldn 't be much traffic . It turned out to be a lot more hilly than I 'd expected . I was planning to either turn round and come home , or see if we could get up the Manor bridleway , but there was a sheet of ice in the gateway , so we decided not to risk it . Max has a total panic if he slides on ice , and I didn 't want to be on him if it happened . We decided to go on a bit further , then when we 'd had enough , to turn and come back home . I was expecting Max to try a canter on the way home , as it would all be steeply uphill , but to my surprise he went straight into canter up the first hill , facing away from home , and was off . I shouted to Mr O to stop , which he did , in the nick of time , and Max managed to stop himself without crashing into Barnaby , but he was in a bolting mood . I shouldn 't really be surprised , as they 're on half - day turnout , plus an increase in feed since the weather became ridiculously cold . Plus we are riding them straight from the stable in the mornings , whereas at Lorna 's we would have turned them out for an hour before riding them . I desperately need to take Max somewhere to let off some steam , even if it 's in a large menage . I might book myself in at the riding school , just to let him have a blast round without getting out of hand . 2 . We came back and mucked out and I blitzed the house , and before we knew it , it was time to set off for Abby 's . It is strange to see that as soon as you come out of Derbyshire into Nottinghamshire , there is no snow at all . It 's quite surreal . I had rung Abby to ask , " Did I say I would bring something ? " and she said , " Yes mum , a pudding . " Gasp . Fortunately her Tesco was open , so we performed an emergency manouvre and went in to buy a chocolate gateau , Posted by I sneaked out to the barn on Christmas Eve and placed the horses ' Christmas presents outside their stable doors . They were wondering what on earth I was doing with a rattly bag . I said , " Shhh , you can 't look . I 'm supposed to be Santa Claus . " I got to Fudge and said , " Apparently you 're on the naughty list . " He looked back at me with his most innocent face . I relented , put his present in place , switched off the lights and tiptoed back indoors . But , to my absolute annoyance and disbelief , Mr O got up in the morning and put the horses out ! I couldn 't believe it . The whole point was to go down in the morning and open Max 's present with him . I was gutted ! But there was still loads of snow on the ground . I think it must be the first ever White Christmas in my lifetime . It set the scene really . Then Mr O started mucking out . I refused to join in and said we were going to open presents , so we came in and did the deed . This is Tessa with her present . She walked round with it in her mouth all day . She didn 't want the treats that it contained , she just wanted to dismantle the actual boot , and spent the day painstakingly taking the thread out and eating it . Mr O got me a black jacket to ride in , and two pairs of jods , and I got him more or less the same , as well as The Terminator films on DVD . He got me Public Enemies ( Johnny Depp ) which I am dying to watch as I never went to the cinema to see it . He also got me a beautiful book of poetry , hymns and readings , which I saw in Past Times and really wanted . I will thoroughly enjoy dipping into it . We went next door to take Six and Nine their presents . Nine said , " I don 't normally cuddle women , but I 'm going to cuddle you as you are the best babysitter ever . " and gave me a big hug . I was speechless . Missis liked the photograph we got them , which is of her and Pongo on the pleasure ride at Shipley Country Park . The fact that they are both on horseback is a very rare event , so I 'm glad I got it . They got us an alarm clock each . Mr O 's plays a horse neighing to wake you up , but has a pictPosted by Mr O has finished work , so now the holidays can begin . And they began with . . . more snow ! The horses are bored with it now , and have got into the routine of only going out in the mornings while we muck out . It was white with fog again today . The horses retreat to the very back of the field by 11am and refuse to come down when we call them , so we have to walk all the way up there through the snow , and drag them down . But they don 't eat or drink up there , so I have laid the law down with Barnaby and explained that he and his men would be coming in , so I can be a good provider to them . After the ' warming Max 's rug ' scenario the other night , I have increased the horses ' feed since the snow started . I want to know they are going out and going to bed with something filling in their tummies . Honestly , it 's worse than having kids . But I have noticed here , more than at Lorna 's , that the horses expect Barnaby to provide for them , and he in turn , expects me to provide for him , and I intend to live up to his expectations and be a good leader . I have noticed him looking at me affectionately this last few days , so maybe it 's working . I rugged him up last night and he looked back at himself as if to say , ' Oh , is that what I 'm wearing ? ' and seemed quite pleased . They have been coming in with ice tightly compacted into their hooves , and I have had to wrench it out with a hoofpick every day , otherwise they are sliding on the floor , and it can 't be very comfortable for them , can it ? Yesterday I picked up Zak 's off - fore and noticed a deep cut in his hoof . I 've realised it 's a bad overreach . I bandaged it up yesterday , having put wound powder on it , so we 'll have to keep an eye on it , as it 's quite deep . I don 't want it to get infected . I have emptied Zak 's uneaten feed onto the lid of the dustbin , which makes a very good bird table . There is something about his feed ( it 's for weight gain ) that must be very appetizing , as Tessa will tip his bucket over and eat what 's left in it , and I tip it on the ground for the chickens to finish up , sPosted by A busy day yesterday . Lindy is lame , so Missis is keeping him in . I am putting my horses out in the morning and bringing them in at lunch time , and Missis is putting Polo and Fudge out for a couple of hours in the afternoon , although it has to be said , mine didn 't want to come in and hers didn 't want to go out , but it means Lindy has company all day . I couldn 't resist taking some photos , as it was absolutely beautiful outside . The sun was really strong , and the white was stunning . I was ' Jane Orson , arctic explorer . ' Because everything is very stark , the birds have become clearly visible . I have two robins in my garden , which is interesting as I thought they were terretorial . Maybe one will have to give in and leave . I really want to feed them , but the cats are so crafty , and I can 't police the garden constantly . I 'll have to see what I can do . I spent the afternoon finishing off the traditional trifle I 'd started the night before , and making the Black Forest trifle . I decided to make a mini one next to it , so that I could taste it and only inflict it on an unsuspecting public if it was good enough . It did occur to me that if the situation got desperate , I could go outside , scoop up a bowl of snow , sprinkle on some lemon juice and say , " Look , I 've brought a sorbet ! " That would wipe the smile off thier faces . So I put the chocolate swiss roll in the bottom of my big dish , then sloshed some port in as we don 't have any sherry . Then I spooned in the black cherry pie filling , which is one of my favourite things , and the whole reason pancakes were invented . On top of this goes the chocolate custard . I don 't know what I was expecting , but it was like a runny chocolate mousse . I whipped up the cream and spread it on top , then grated a flake and sprinkled that on to finish . I got a spoon and tasted my miniature version , and it was absolutely gorgous . All the flavours work wonderfully well together , and the dash of port just gives it an edge . Lovely . Thanks Raine , for the brilliant idea , and so easy to make . I also wrapped MAutumn Mist I do not go outside now unless I am wearing thermal leggings . They go under jods or my jogging bottoms . The jogging bottoms are four pounds each from Quality Seconds , and are perfect for days when I only muck out and don 't get to ride . I can wipe my hands on them and not care . I have to wear a thermal vest . Then a polo neck , then a sweatshirt , then a jacket . Soon there will be a waistcoat under the jacket . By February I will have a minimum of six layers on , and struggle to get on my horse ( and struggle even more to get off ) . But my trademark , as always , is my hat . For some reason I cannot find a sensible hat . So in desperation I am wearing a pink pom pom hat , with tassels . Why ? I am forty - two . I look like a frozen Scandanavian pixie . In fact , what I really look like is the suicidal mother in About A Boy . No wonder she felt suicidal , walking around in a hat like that . They looked good in the market stall , where there is no mirror . This is not a coincidence . If you could see what you looked like before you bought it , the crafty stall holder would never make any money . But now we have managed to go one step further than this . We have bought those fluffy trappers hats . I already have one of these , and the only reason I can get away with it is that it has ' Joules ' on it in large writing on the back . Horsey people are so blinded by the word ' Joules ' that they fail to notice I look a complete and total prat in it . But this new trappers hat is khaki , and has fur in all the right places . In fact , you don 't notice until you wear it , but they 've added two extra flaps of fur , totally unnecessarily , one on each side of your head , that look like little ears , so you end up having a distinct resemblance to Deputy Dawg . Not a good look . I don 't normally wear these hats anywhere except on the farm , but as it 's so unspeakably cold , I wore one yesterday to town in desperation . This was fine until we stopped in the car at the traffic lights , and people crossing the road kept bumping into each other as they were staring through the windsPosted by I was convinced it wasn 't going to snow . So it started at about 11 am . Mr O had finished work and been dropped back just as I finished mucking out his stables . He helped me do all the other jobs , then it started blizzarding with a vengeance . Soon it was white everywhere . I was not impressed . I did actually get quite warm with all the mucking out , and took my hat and jacket off . The John Deere has got a puncture , goodness knows how . We got a guy out from Wingerworth Tyres . It was quite fascinating watching him work . He took out the inner tube and showed me where the puncture was , and fitted a new tube , then pumped the tyre back up and all is well . As I went to take the cash out of my jacket pocket ( now back on ) I pulled out a glove instead . It was covered in some slimy , mucus like substance , which I gradually realised . . . was raw egg ! It turns out I left last night 's eggs in my jacket pocket , and forgot all about them . When I took my jacket off to muck out , and swung it over the stable door , one of the eggs must have smashed with the force ! I smiled weakly at the mechanic and said , " I 'll be back in a minute . " I ran indoors , pulled out the other glove , also covered in a protein - rich , sticky goo , and then pulled the pocket inside out , where I found one pale blue , completely unharmed egg , and the remains of a brown one that had smashed . I slopped the contents of my pocket into the bin and put the jacket in the washing machine . It turned out that , unbeknown to me , the egg had been dripping through my pocket for some time , as a large , unattractive damp patch had spread over the top of my jodhpurs . Had the mechanic noticed ? Should I make some witty comment , to gloss over it ? I opted to pay the man , and walk away , pride intact . I may never meet him again . I would make it quick . I went back in a clean jacket , and as I handed over the ( clean , dry ) cash , he said , " You have horses here then ? " and proceeded to tell me all about his , that he keeps at Jane Portas ' yard . He said they are for his children , but it was obvious he was tPosted by At last , Missis is back and yesterday was the last time I have to muck out all six stables until January 4th next year . Yippeeee ! Not a moment too soon . We have had two days of dreadful , miserable weather , thick fog yesterday so it was dark all day , and icy rain all day today . We got the horses in at 2pm as they 'd obviously had enough . I put piles of haylage round the field again today . It seems to be working really well , as it 's much more natural for them to walk about and eat than just stand there scoffing . The haylage is stored in the barn where the new stables are being built . It is directly up against the field , and as you slide the brown wooden door open , you can step straight into the field itself , and the plan is eventually to turn the horses out through this door . So I 've been opening said door , walking along the outside of the barn with great big piles of haylage in my arms and dropping it at strategic places along the wall . The first time I opened it , unbeknown to me , Max was standing on the other side , and it frightened the life out of him . He must have leapt six foot backwards , poor boy ! I genteely placed a pile of haylage at his feet . The next time I opened the door , Barnaby was standing there , large as life , poking his head in the door , asking , " Did you just frighten my friend Max ? " I couldn 't aplogise enough ( you don 't want to get on the wrong side of Barnaby ) and held out the haylage , as a peace offering , which he took . I dropped it , closed the door quickly and beat a hasty retreat . I am at the stage where my hands have gone very dry , as they are in water all the time , because of washing horse water and feed buckets . I have to be disciplined about putting hand cream on . Likewise my poor feet are itchy and sore , so I have to wash them , dry them and powder them every day , and also have some time going barefoot , to give the skin a chance to breath , poor things . I am in socks and wellies all the time and it 's too much for my poor little piggies . Mr O got up at 4am and left in a van to go to Glasgow . Snow iPosted by I couldn 't blog yesterday . By 8pm I could hardly even move . I think because I moved all the straw bales on Saturday , I didn 't really have a chance to recover from the four days mucking out all the stables last week . Yesterday it seemed to take forever , but this is because : 1 : I told Mr O not to bother feeding early , so the horses were very late going out , by the time I 'd given them breakfast , waited for them to eat it , changed all their rugs , and put hay out in the field . 2 : I rode Max . More of that later . I put seven piles of hay out for the horses , and turned Barnaby out first . He stood there , assessing the situation . He takes his duties as herd leader very seriously , and knew he 'd have to have the situation sussed before any of the other horses appeared . He judiciously picked his pile of hay and started munching . I could see him thinking , " We 'll see how this pans out . " At about 9am it stopped raining , and I decided to take the plunge and ride . I gave Max a thorough grooming . I don 't groom his mane very often and I never brush his tail unless I 've washed it and put conditioner on it . Anyway , he 'd obviously rubbed his mane , as it was very tatty , and as I gently stroked it with the brush , handfuls of hair came out ! Oh my darling boy ! I 'm sure it 'll grow back , and that if he didn 't have a rug on with a neck , it would have fallen out naturally , but I can see how ponies in the wild end up looking a mess , with no one to groom them . I came out of the gate , and pulled it closed . Missis has put a very nice Christmas wreath on it . Max thought it looked very nice indeed , and decided to have a little snack off it ! I managed to pull him away in the nick of time . I 'm sure whatever 's on it will be either plastic or poisonous , so it 's just as well , greedy hoof ! I just decided to go down to the bottom of Press Lane , turn round and trot all the way back up again . This is a brilliant place for trotting to increase the horses ' fitness , as it 's not steep , but goes gently uphill for at least a mile and a half . Max was puffing by the time Posted by Mr O went down to dish out breakfast to the horses , " Morning Barnaby , " " Morning , Dad ! " It turned out it wasn 't foggy , windy , raining , icy or snowing , so I got up quickly and went out to groom Max . He was less than thrilled with the prospect , but I feel as if it 's ages since I last rode . Missis rode her horse yesterday and when she came back he was sweating like a trooper and she said he didn 't seem very fit . I was expecting something similar from Max , but as I was riding I could feel a little volcano inside him , waiting to erupt . The trouble with living on a hill is that everywhere you ride away from home is downhill , and trying to keep a lively horse under control for that first stretch is hard work . I guess Max was fairly relaxed as he hasn 't been out with another horse for weeks , and prefers company . We went all the way down Press Lane , and trotted along very nicely . I had asked Mr O to keep control of Barnaby , which he did so well that Max started to overtake him . I said , " Be warned , as we turn the corner and come up the hill , Max will have a little canter . It 's nothing to worry about , and I 'll have him under control after a few strides . " Sure enough , we turned right and Max shot off up the hill . The trouble is , he loves hard ground and has always done this to me . I 've got used to it over the years , but the first time he did it , it really put the wind up me . I got him back , and they trotted boldy up the steep hill . We were stopped suddenly by a woman in her gateway who said , " I heard horses , so I came out to have a look . I 'm socialising him . " and pointed to a tiny , black labrador puppy zipped into the front of her jacket . Under normal circumstances I would have been off Max , cradling puppy and inviting myself in for a coffee , but the boys were on a roll , and we couldn 't really stop . I must stroll past some time and introduce myself , as I know they 're new in the neighbourhood . We continued on up the hill at a decent trot . I thought I 'd be nice and give Max a bit of head where it 's steep . He just said , " Thankyou vePosted by I have decided on a new way forward for Max , as I am not riding him enough . If it is foggy or icy first thing in the morning , he can stay in until 12 o ' clock at the latest . If the fog has not lifted by then , he must be lunged , and then turned out . I know this may reduce his turnout , but as it 's knee deep in mud out there , he 'll be better off indoors , in the dry , with more regular haylage than he 'll get out there anyway . If it 's nice , I can ride as early as I like , once he 's digested his morning feed . If it 's raining or windy , he must still be ridden . I ended up lungeing him yesterday , as it was foggy all morning , with no sign of lifting . I took him into the lungeing pen , which is just a ring of grass , and of course , being a poor deprived boy who is wasting away ( his words , not mine ) he wants to scoff the grass , so I have to hold the lunge line up high to keep his head up , and tap him up occasionally with the whip . He bucked , bronked , kicked , cantered and was generally bonkers . Let 's just say I 'm glad I wasn 't on him ! He did settle down , but he definitely still has loads of energy , even if his fitness has dropped off slightly , but as I was grooming him , I noticed the muscle at the top of his thigh is rock solid . I love my beautiful boy . I 've been to Pets at Home today , and ended up buying a Christmas stocking for Tessa , but I 've hidden it , and she hasn 't seen it yet . It 'll be a surprise . She has to have something to open , and it is not only Christmas , it 's also her birthday . She 'll be nine . Imagine having a dog who decides to give birth on Christmas Day , it must have been pandemonium . We have done the last bits of shopping today , but more importantly , I have been into my local craft shop in Chesterfield , Arcade Crafts . I warned Mr O I would be some time , and that he would be better off going and doing some shopping by himself . As it turned out I was at least half an hour . I wanted stuff to make Mr O a card , but also things to make my youngest grandson Caelan a card to celebrate his first Christmas . There is so much toPosted by I am thrilled to report that Dog Vet didn 't come out , it was his young , Australian assistant ( named Bruce - yes really ! ) I was told he would come some time after 10am . He finally turned up at 3 . 45 ! I didn 't care by then as at least I 'd got the horses in . He was a very nice chap , and said straight away that he wasn 't a horse expert , and that if it was more complicated than he 'd expected , he would refer him , which was music to my ears . He had a good look all round the pony , watched him walk , felt all four feet thoroughly , and declared him as having chronic low level laminitis , and after we discussed it , I am inclined to agree . He said that we must restrict his haylage intake , as he does stand there and gorge , and put him on a strict diet , and be very careful next spring when the grass comes through , all of which I know . It is such a relief to have someone declare what 's wrong with him , and how we should proceed . Missis rang on her way home , and she is relieved too . We 're going to discuss tomorrow the best way forward , whether to keep him in when Pongo puts a bale out ( they are huge ) or to pen an area off and monitor how much we give him . To be honest , I think we shouldn 't bother putting a big bale out , we should put it into haynets and hay up in the field properly . They trample so much of what 's out there , that it 's just wasted , which seems silly . I don 't fancy the extra work , and Missis won 't like the idea of tying haynets to the fence ( not my favourite thing either ) but I think it would be worth it . I 'll put it to her tomorrow and see what she says . This is because , as I 've kept Fudge in for the past two days , I have given him one haynet , not massive , and it 's taken him all day to eat it , and even left some and had a sleep and so on , but when he goes in the field , he buries his head in the haylage and eats non - stop . Even when the other horses come down to the gate , ready to come in , he is still up there , stuffing himself . Plus if we put haynets out , there would be no need for Pongo to drive into the field , churning uPosted by Pongo went to Derby on Monday to buy a new pump . They sent him to Birmingham . He came home and installed it and it worked . Yippeee ! Then I got up on Tuesday morning , turned on the tap and . . . . nothing ! Grrr . I used up the rest of the water in the cannisters , the milk churn , which I could hardly turn over to pour the water out , and then struggled to lift from the bottom to pour the last bits out . I had to go over to the field and get water out of the water tank , one bucket at a time , to fill up the rest . I was exhausted by the end of it . I rang Pongo and basically asked him to sort it out , which to give him his due , he did , but I was totally fed up by then . Mr O brought home fish and chips , which we ate in a hurry as we had to get ready to go to Nine 's concert . Pongo had to drop him off at 5 . 30 then came straight back to get us as the traffic was so bad , and it started at 7pm . It was quite good actually , and brought back memories of Abby doing ballet at Miss Mayfield 's , although Miss Mayfield 's standard was much higher . Nine looked as though he was enjoying himself , though , and played Mike TV ( very appropriate ! ) in the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory set . Very funny . Some of the older girls were very talented , and the Jesus Christ Superstar set was brilliant . There was one tiny girl who sang her heart out , and one young girl who sang a song from The Little Mermaid . It brought a tear to my eye . It reminded us both of our eldest daughter Lisa , who has a beautiful singing voice , but when she was young she used to sing constantly . I can remember putting her to bed and hearing her singing away to herself . Because the other children had to get some sleep , we 'd shout up the stairs telling her to be quiet . Then you could hear her under her pillow , singing Up Where The People Are in muffled tones . And now today , I have gone to turn the pony out and he can hardly walk . This is driving me mad . He has been lame on and off for weeks ( since the abscess incident ) and Missis is doing nothing about it . She just drags him along behind Posted by Why is it some days my plans are totally thwarted ? I had planned to chuck Barnaby and Zak out , move Max into Barnaby 's stable , muck two horses out and then go to church . But Mr O decided to clip Barnaby . As I 've mentioned before , you can clip any part of Max and he is fine , but the moment you go to clip the long hair off his legs , he goes berserk . Barnaby isn 't usually like this , but he 's not keen on having his legs done . Mr O was quite frustrated because this new set of clipper blades aren 't very sharp , so it took longer than it should have done , then when it came to doing Barnaby 's legs , he started throwing himself around all over the place , rearing and barging into his dad . I was holding onto the leadrope and his headcollar , from outside the stable , and had to hang on for dear life . Not my favourite occupation . So by the time we finished it was too late to go to church . I wasn 't happy , but decided to make the best of it . I could at least catch up on laundry . We were going to go for a big ride round Holymoorside after lunch , but as I was washing the horses ' feed bowls out , the water started to go slower and slower , until it reached a trickle , and finally stopped . I went indoors to try the tap . There was a little trickle , and then nothing . Oh dear . Our water doesn 't come off the mains , it comes off a pump in a farmer 's field just up the road ( the one before Jolly Farmer , in fact ) . This is a truly archaic situation , and I don 't fully understand it myself ( ie who 's in charge of it , who do Pongo and Missis pay their water bill to ? ) I couldn 't do any laundry as there was no water to work the washing machine . Grrr ! So the ride was abandoned as we collected up every water cannister we could find and Pongo and Missis drove to Missis ' mum 's house , in the horse box , to go and fill them up . They came back with nine filled cannisters and a huge old milk churn also full of water . Goodness knows how they got that in and out of the lorry , as it weighs a tonne . So this morning I have had the joyful task of mucking out , and fillinPosted by Mr O woke me up at ten to seven this morning . Who does that on a Saturday really ? I thought I 'd made it clear I 'm not prepared to get up even earlier at the weekend than I do during the week . I said , " What on earth are you doing ? " He said , " I thought we were going to ride early . " It was pitch dark outside . Let 's just say I was disinclined to acquiesce to his request . I emerged a little later to find Mr O tacking Barnaby up . Keen , that 's what I call it . In the end I decided to stay home and clip me ' orse instead , so Mr O set off and was gone for an hour . Max looks pretty smart , even if I do say so myself ( and I do ! ) This is the third time I 've clipped him this year , which will fit in perfectly with doing him again in the New Year , then he 'll be left alone as his summer coat will start to come through . I always do a blanket clip , which suits him perfectly . I think it 's a bit mean to take it all off . He did look at me as if to say , " Mum , why do you wait until it 's minus three then shave all my hair off ? ! " I was trying not to laugh . He was very patient actually , and even let me get quite close to his nether regions , which is unusual . I never take his leg hair off . My life wouldn 't be worth living . He 's been known to attack grown men if you try it without sedating him , and as it grows back within a fortinight I 've made the decision to leave him as nature intended . I can 't sedate him every two weeks , can I ? So I turned out my very smart boy and mucked him out while I waited for Mr O to come back . He had been round the back of the Old Poets , on the bridleways up there . We walked it in the summer with Tessa , and there 's no way on earth you 'd have taken a horse up there . Since then the council have repaired the track and put a ford in now so you can get across the river and keep going . Mr O said the water came up to Barnaby 's stomach , so it 's just as well I didn 't go , it would have been up to my knees ! We turned the horses out and set off for Sheffield to do the Christmas shopping . After my conversation with Lisa last week I dPosted by The wind was howling round the house again when I got up this morning , but when I went outside it was a flat calm . Very strange . And as it wasn 't raining , I decided to take Max down to the school . I needed to pay Jolly Farmer anyway , so I tucked an envelope with the money in it , inside my jacket , and set off . As we turned into his driveway , there was a horse in the front field with a whole haylage bale to himself . Max stood still and stared in envy and disgust , " Well that 's just greedy ! " I squeezed him on . Our farrier was there , so I stopped to have a chat with him , and then went into the school . It 's brilliant at this time of day , because the sun falls onto the trees at the back of the school , casting a shadow on a tree trunk that falls dead straight from A to C , so I can ride straight along it . Bee 's daughter was turning their little palomino out . Max suddenly went charging up to have a look , and stopped stock - still at the perimeter fence , and began to gather himself . I yanked him away quick before he got any ideas of jumping the fence from a standstill ! What 's that all about ? ! Then Bee 's daughter brought out a barrowload of haylage for the little mare , and Max was jealous again , " How come everyone 's stuffing themselves with haylage except me ? " He actually worked beautifully . I 'd put him in his Dutch gag , and he came on the bit and went really well . I can 't think of a bit less likely to induce an outline , so I was quite impressed . They say that when a horse comes on the bit he has submitted and is working willingly . Rubbish ! Max comes on the bit because he is annoyed , and knows he is stronger when he 's like that . The fact that he looks lovely is neither here nor there . Don 't be fooled . He is not co - operating with me , he is just powering through his shoulders and muttering to himself . I had a chat with Bee afterwards . There is a new horse in the corner stable , a young and beautiful Dutch Warmblood . He is only five and has been there a week . A couple of days ago , he reared up and got his foot caught in the bars of tPosted by It was dark this morning as I came out to greet the horses . John had fed them before he left for work , which speeds things up quite considerably , especially if the horses have stayed in their turnouts overnight , which they are quite happy to do . It means I can walk out the door and turn the horses straight out and start mucking out much earlier . It was cold , wet and windy , by far the worst weather of the week , so I decided to go for a ride . Why didn 't I go on Monday ( too busy ) or Wednesday ( too tired ) when it was reasonable ? There 's no logic to it , is there ? I wore my hi - viz gear again , as it still wasn 't very light by nine o ' clock , so I was lit up like a Christmas tree . The thing is , if I don 't ride when it 's raining , I 'll never ride at all , and the hi - viz is totally waterproof , you can 't even feel the rain on you . We came out of the farm and turned right , and went down the steep hill . Max was a little surprised as I don 't go this way very often , as it 's a lot of main road , and it 's usually very slippery , even though all our horses have road nails . Then we turned right again . I know there is a dog on a chain round the corner , so I was ready , but Max wasn 't , and flung himself sideways when it started barking at him . I managed to stay on . I wouldn 't say I was lying on his neck , but I was definitely up there somewhere , whispering sweet nothings into his ears . The thing is , Max was full of energy . He and Barnaby are only on half a scoop of economy mix night and morning , with some Mollichop to stop Max being greedy , some cod liver oil and some vitamins . I 'm blaming the cod liver oil . By now they 'd normally be on a scoop night and morning , but there 's certainly no need to increase their feed just yet . They seem to be absolutely thriving on very little , which is wonderful . We turned right again , and trotted purposefully up the road . I offered a canter on the verge , but Max tested it and decided it was too soft . We turned right again . More uphill trotting , but not steep this time . If we 'd turned right again , we 'd have been Posted by After an initial visit to Paris , where I was smitten by all things french , my relationship continues to grow . I 'm learning the language , but also exploring french cuisine , fashion and film . Welcome to my little corner of Blogland . Put on the full armour of God so that you can take yor stand against the devil 's schemes . For our struggle is not against flesh and blood , but against the rulers , against the authorities , against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms . Therefore put on the full armour of God , so that when the day of evil comes , you may be able to stand your ground , and after you have done everything , to stand . The most beautiful place in Derbyshire , if not in the whole of Britain , in my humble opinion . That 's my bedroom window , second from the right . I can dream ! Actually we live about 10 minutes drive from here . |
I was at Wal - Mart yesterday and found a beautiful solar butterfly , about 8 - 10 inches long . I purchased it and took it to the cemetery on my way home . As I was approaching Amy 's grave I saw the space in front was filled with about a dozen robins . A glorious reminder that spring is here and many days of sunshine will soon follow . I continue Amy 's story . . . . . . . . . . Amy and I slept well that night . I do believe the pain meds they gave her helped her sleep . I checked on her 3 times during the night and she was sleeping sound each time . That day was a busy day . The wound care people were in and said the bed sores had healed nicely and encouraged me to do whatever I had been doing at home because Amy 's skin looked so good . ( I wish they had listened to me more at the hospital ! ) The nurse manager was in and we discussed Amy 's expensive bed that she had used while she was in there . That was the only reason her skin healed and she didn 't get more bed sores ! She had a script for it , so why complain to me about the cost . Anytime I had an issue with something she was always in my face . I would have appreciated it if I felt true compassion and concern from the woman , but I did not . I was glad that I soon wouldn 't be dealing with her anymore . Respiratory was in and Amy had pulled the oxygen off her trache and she was still at 99 % . We were encouraged . We had visitors from church and then James and Laura came . The dietician was in . A sweet young girl who was the nicest of all the specialists we worked with . She told me how to change the tubes for Amy 's feedings , and then walked me through it . I was able to do it , although my hands were shaking most of the time . Amy was to get continuous feedings for 3 weeks and then we were to change to overnight feedings . This was the plan . . . . . . . but not God 's plan . Tess came in and I went home with James and Laura around 7p . m . Tess painted Amy 's nails and they watched some tv together . Amy was very happy and smiled a big , big smile when " Little House on the Prairie " came on . ( They both grew up watching the series together . ) Amy only woke up twice that night coughing and needed suctioned . Day 28 By 9a . m . Amy was in her wheelchair and Tess washed and braided her hair . How Amy loved Tess to do her hair for her . They listened to some more of " Narnia " and watched " The Princess Diaries . " Tess read her get - well cards to her and the PA was in and said plans were for Amy to go home the next day . Amy was excited ! She stayed in her wheelchair for 3 1 / 2 hours before laying down again . Bill and I came around 1 : 00 and soon after a pastor came and wanted to pray with Amy as he had been given the gift of healing . We agreed and he anointed Amy with oil and prayed over her . I had enough courage to speak up and tell him that God allows sickness to strengthen our faith . That sickness is not a sin . He left soon after that . A social worker came in and we discussed Amy 's home care . They have set up with a local agency to have all the supplies that we need at our home when we arrive . Bill and Tess left about 6 and around 7 a large family came and sang in the hall of our floor . They stood very close to our door and Amy had a big smile on her face the whole time . They sang 4 hymns and I was able to give them one of Amy 's Story brochures before they left and thanked them for their ministry . Amy listened to me read a story to her and then we listened to music as we prepared for bed . She would doze and then wake , always with a smile . I think she was excited and happy to be going home ! The beeper went off twice overnight and I suctioned her . I worried about how I would know this at home without a beeper to let me know when her oxygen was low . I wrote in the journal , " I worry about not waking up for Amy 's needs . But I know God will provide and I need to rest in Him and leave the worries to Him . " Day 29 We came to the hospital on the 28th of Feb . and we left on the 28th of March . What a journey it had been . I had no idea that we had more of a journey ahead of us and that Amy would be going on a different journey than the rest of us . Bill came to load up all of Amy 's stuff , her wheelchair , balloons , flowers , cards and all the supplies they gave us to take home . So many people came in that day to tell Amy good - bye . She had touched so many lives of the nurses , support staff , and drs . And her story was given to so many people . The ICU Dr . 's PA was in and we had a frank talk about the trache . From my journal : " It isn 't in there to help her breathe , but it is in there for lung care . If Amy can go a week without suctioning then they will try to get a speech therapist to put a valve on it . That helps strengthen her muscles by letting her breathe in but it wont let her breathe out . She will have to use her muscles of her nose , mouth and chest for that . Then they will plan on capping the trache and then removal of it . She will have to be hospitalized to have it capped and then removed so she can be watched closely . We didn 't even talk about getting the PEG tube removed . I can only handle so much at one time . I won 't be able to send her to school or take her out at all until the weather is nicer and she is on nighttime feedings . Then I can take her out with a portable oxygen tank . " Amy had some visitors , our Pastor and his wife , and a good friend whose husband was on the same floor as Amy . The ICU Dr . was in and gave Amy a final checking over . Bill left about 4 : 30 and the ambulance finally came for Amy and I around 6 : 30 . We were home by 8 : 00 . Home ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Tess had spent the afternoon getting Amy 's room rearranged to accommodate the equipment . We now had an oxygen machine , a suctioning machine , her feeding machine and all the supplies that went with those things . Amy needed to be propped up so her double sized waterbed was transformed by putting rolled up blankets and lots of pillows on the top 1 / 4 of her bed . A home health nurse came and we went over everything and signed papers . I was so exhausted it was hard to get through it . Tess agreed to stay up that night and promised to get Emily or myself if she got tired . Amy slept most of the night . She was awake from about 3 - 5 but then slept until 11 a . m . the next day . She didn 't need suctioned all night long . Friday , March 29th . We stopped counting the days in the journal , but wrote down dates instead . Another nurse came that morning and went over more paperwork and then watched us do all the stuff with Amy . She was finally ready for her day at 1p . m . It was a great day for us all . We just enjoyed being home again . Amy was only suctioned once after she woke up and then once before bed . " Things " seemed to be going very well . I posted on facebook and in a mass email : March 29 My back went out on Thursday , so I haven 't been able to sit at the computer very long . ( I don 't have a laptop . ) I 'm sorry that I have been delayed in getting the last few days of Amy 's story on here . I will try to catch up now . Days 22 , 23 and 24 Thursday , Friday , and Saturday , passed with little difference in each day . So those three days passed with respiratory therapy , pulmonary therapy , x - rays , blood drawn , and lots of suctioning . Amy had not had anything to eat since Tuesday night , but the drs . assured us that she was getting hydration and she was ok . The drs . still continued to talk about doing another bronchial scope before the PEG tube would be put in . We had noticed after the attempt on Wed . to put in the PEG tube that Amy 's lip was cut and bleeding . Then we noticed she actually had a gouge in her lower gums under her teeth that was bleeding quite a lot . It was finally looked at on Friday and we were told an oral surgeon needed to check on it . Amy continued to have a lot of blood suctioned out and I just knew that her throat or esophagus must have been damaged when they tried to do the PEG tube , but they said this was from her lungs and also being suctioned so much causes more irritation . It was finally decided on Friday to retry the PEG tube on Monday . On Saturday the dr . who was to do the procedure came and spoke to me . This is a direct quote from my journal : " The dr . thinks the most important thing right now is to get food into Amy . I told him about the tooth and he wants me in there with her until she is out of it . He said that there were " complications " with her breathing last time and they were worried and just stopped the procedure . ( Meaning more than just a blockage in her esophagus as was told us before . ) He is having an anesthetist come in to put her to sleep this time . " I was relieved that I would get to be with Amy until she was asleep and that a different dr . was doing the procedure this time . I was told the oral surgeon would not be in until Monday but silver nitrate was ordered to stop the bleeding on her gums . Also there was talk of putting Amy back on a ventilator to give her lungs a rest . Tess came and stayed with Amy that night . They had some visitors and Amy enjoyed visiting with them . She was awake again most of that night and somehow managed to dislodge the IV as it was leaking . Sunday , March 24 , Day 25 was to be the hardest day for all of us especially for Tess . Amy 's oxygen was still low , but after a treatment she seemed to do better and her oxygen was turned down to 50 % . She actually slept for a few hours . Here is Tessa 's words from the journal : " 10a . m . Amy was getting washed up . Her trache collar was changed and she was fine until she let out a hard cough and blood just started pouring out under the trache . It wouldn 't stop and was a lot of blood . The ICU Dr . came in and about 6 others to stop the bleeding . He paged Dr . M ( the trache dr . ) as he was concerned that because the blood wasn 't dark it may be an artery . 1 . Artery in thyroid . 2 . Major artery that would not stop bleeding would be fatal . 3 . Or her windpipe was torn and bleeding a little . Option 3 was not given till later on the phone with Mom and Dad . He talked to Mom on the phone and Mom , Dad and Emily came right away , got here about 11 : 30 . I read to Amy until they arrived and she dozed on and off . " I can 't imagine what Tess was going through to have to witness that and to think that Amy could die in a few minutes . I got the call at home and was told by the dr . that she could die before we got there . I called for Bill to get home immediately and we raced over there as fast as we could . Tess had already talked to Emily . I called my son and his wife ( they were 2000 miles away ) and told them what was happening . I will never forget them telling me that they had booked a flight already and were soon leaving to come home . I just cried and cried . I remember praying in the van for God to just keep her alive until we could be there with her and if it be His will to keep Amy with us until James and Laura could be with her , too . I don 't think we ever drove so fast over the mountain to the hospital , but it seemed like it was the longest trip we ever made . When we arrived the trache dr . talked to us . He still didn 't know what caused her to bleed , but since it was under control he didn 't think surgery was necessary and wanted to keep her still and not to move her so she could heal . Amy continued to get her breathing treatments but not the pulmonary therapy . She slept and we all tried to calm down after the scare that she gave us . Bill , and Emily left for the night and Tess , Amy and I listened to Beethoven 's 9th and tried to sleep . Amy was awake a lot again . She 's getting her days and nights mixed up . She finally slept around 5a . m . Tess and I stayed the night as they were doing the surgery for the PEG tube that day . X - rays and blood work as usual . An oral surgeon was in and looked at her tooth . He said it looked ok . We were called at 7 : 30 to go down to get the PEG tube done . They let me stay in with her for the beginning . Even though some of the nurses didn 't like it and told me to stay back and out of the way . They tried to put a round hard plastic piece ( like a PVC pipe ) in Amy 's mouth to hold it open to put what they needed down her throat . She hated stuff going in her mouth so of course she fought against it . I insisted they give her something to calm her down first and they didn 't want to do that because she would clamp her mouth shut and they would not be able to open it . They finally agreed and gave her something . Then I suggested a smaller tube ? ? ? ? They were able to find a pediatric size and that fit in her mouth perfectly . Amy was starting to calm down and get sleepy and the dr . came in then and wanted to get started , so he asked me to leave . ( I finally understood why Amy had damage to her mouth and why she got so upset last time as I imagine they tried to insert that thing in her mouth and she struggled against it . ) Only 15 minutes later , they called me back and they were all done . Amy was so brave . She only had one sad face and I cheered her up and we stayed in the recovery room for awhile and then were allowed to go back to her room . Soon after we got to the room , James and Laura , Bill and Emily came ! Amy was so happy to see her brother and sister - in - law . Even though she was so sleepy , we had a great time visiting . Amy was finally getting nourishment again . The Dr . said I could take her home soon ! All seemed to finally be going well . After everyone left that evening , we started listening to the audio book of " The Lion , The Witch , and the Wardrobe . " Amy had all the books of the Chronicles of Narnia on CD and she loved the stories . I knew we would be listening to them for the next few weeks . I just didn 't know that Amy wouldn 't have enough time left to finish listening to all the books . Views of the Atlantic OceaI was able to feed the seagulls from our balcony last week . I relive each day as it goes by . Will I every year ? Or by retelling this , can I put this month behind me and just remember certain things , not a day by day memory of each event ? I certainly hope so . This month has been hard . I couldn 't sleep this morning , knowing what the next few days were to bring me . . . . last year at this time . So I will continue my journey in retelling Amy 's story and how God used her in the last few weeks of her life . That was a pretty good day , considering all that was ahead . I was taught how to clean out Amy 's trache and how to manage the ties that hold it in and on her . She was bathed and up in her chair when we got a visit from our Pastor and Assistant Pastor . Amy stayed in her chair for two hours throughout the visit . She was in a good mood and smiling . The PA came in and explained some things about the PEG tube . I would do constant feedings with Amy for about three weeks until we could start all night feeding . Then about three weeks after she was used to that we would try a swallow test again . Amy needed to be upright during the feedings . I was a little worried about that , as she loved to lay flat when she was in bed . We hadn 't even used a pillow for many years . Then I got her settled and back in bed and she started watching some Disney when we had a visit from some more friends . Soon after they left I was standing at Amy 's bedside and twisted my knee instead of rotating it . I believe this was the moment I completely tore through the meniscus . I was is such horrible pain that it brought instant tears to my eyes . Emily and Bill came soon after that and I decided to just go home early . Emily stayed and reported that Amy was sad on and off and cried a little . She would doze and then startle and wake up . Finally around 2 a . m . Amy fell asleep . I know now that she was anxious about the surgery the next day as we all should have been . ( Drs . have a way of reassuring people that " the procedure is done quite often and there are minimal risks " . ) Her feeding was stopped around midnight . I don 't know exactly when it was but at some point , when I came home , I just curled up on Amy 's bed and cried , like I had never cred before . I just knew that she would never come home , she would never be in her room again . I was losing her . My husband , the eternal optimist , comforted me and let me cry and held me . I was wrong about Amy not ever coming home , but I was right that I was losing her . If I had known at the time , we would have brought her home right away and not prolonged her pain . Day 21 The journal the girls and kept during that time , was to help each other know what transpired while we were not there . It kept a running account of which nurse was on duty , what drs . came in and what Amy 's vitals were . It was just to be informative for the next one who was spending the night with her . It rarely told of our feelings . But on that day I wrote this , " When Bill and I came in Amy was asleep . No tube in her nose ! She looks so good , but thin , so very very thin . Maybe the PEG tube will put a bit of weight on her . Maybe this is a start of a different way of life for all of us . God is in control . " They finally came for Amy around 3p . m . She was transferred to a gurney and wheeled down to where they would do the surgery . We signed papers and then waited with her in a little room where an i . v . was put in and the dr . came to see us and a nurse told us the procedure . I knew Amy had to have this done to live . I either blocked out the specifics , or she didn 't tell us in detail what was going to happen . If I had understood all that went on I would never have left her side until I knew she had enough sedation to endure this . See link below . What they told us was that Amy would be given a little bit of sedation through the i . v . and then a local anesthesia around the area on her tummy , an incision made and the tube placed in . A simple procedure and she would be back in the little room in about 1 / 2 an hour . It turned out to be not so simple . Amy cried some , and we calmed her down and prayed . Then they wheeled her away . Soon the dr . was out and said there was something ( a hard string like thing ) in her esophagus and he wouldn 't do surgery until he knew what it was . Amy was so upset when we saw her . They suctioned a lot of bloody stuff out of her trache . ( That should have told me something was more involved than what they said . ) She was still so upset . We sang with her and she started to calm down . Amy was then taken to get a cat scan and we all went back to her room upstairs to wait for the results . Amy slept . While she was sleeping her ICU Dr . came and said he wants her to regain some strength before putting the speech valve on the trache . Arrangements were being made for her to go home on Friday . Only two days ! The nurse brought in IV fluids for Amy and when she woke up , Tess braided her hair . 7 : 30 p . m . Results were back finally . This thing in her esophagus looked like it had been there for a long time . She had a lung partially collapsed and her esophagus might be partially collapsed also . They called in a cardiothoracic surgeon for consult . He was to come the next day . He makes rounds early , then does surgery and then does the consultations . So they planned to focus on re - inflating the lung but Amy would not be having the PEG tube surgery the next day . We pretty much all lost it . We were so stressed over the surgery and then to have it canceled and something else go wrong and then waiting for answers , just works on the emotions . Amy 's meds started to kick in and she started looking spaced out . We decided it was probably best to leave . Emily stayed again , since nothing would be done early in the morning . After we left another dr . came in and told me ( I was on the phone with Emily , so he talked to me ) that it was not a collapsed esophagus but it was contracted . This can be fixed by putting a tube in and dilating the esophagus . Soon after this a nurse came in and informed Emily that Amy 's lung was not collapsed either . It was merely full of fluid . Emily was brave enough to voice her frustration with the dr . telling us all the wrong stuff and the nurse tried to assure her by telling her that he was getting other specialist involved to help us . Amy didn 't sleep much that night . They gave her something to help her sleep , but I think it had the opposite effect . Emily was so tired , she set her alarm every 15 minutes to wake up and check on Amy . If you are as knowledgeable as I am about the medical field , you might be asking why the dr . was looking at her esophagus when he needed to do a " quick and minor " surgery to her stomach . Wikipedia explains it much better than I can . The Gauderer - Ponsky technique involves performing a gastroscopy to evaluate the anatomy of the stomach . The anterior stomach wall is identified and techniques are used to ensure that there is no organ between the wall and the skin : http : / / en . wikipedia . org / wiki / Percutaneous _ endoscopic _ gastrostomy Looking back , I think we should have had her in a childrens hospital if they would have taken her , or at a bigger facility that was better equipped to handle her problems with doctors that were used to working with special needs . I question so much now of the " what ifs . " While I was living this a year ago , I believe I had more faith than I do now . I said repeatedly that " God was in control . " I know that He still is in control of our lives . But as a mom , I struggle with the thought that there must have been something I could have done . . . . . . . . . . . . . . My struggles and questions don 't change the past . I believe we could have pursued legal action on some of the decisions that were made by the hospital and staff . But what would that have helped ? It was Amy 's time to live with Jesus . It is God 's will that I remain here without her . I would not want her back with all the tubes and machines keeping her alive . She is whole now and blissfully happy . Tess had stayed with Amy that night . She slept well , but at 6 : 15 three vials of blood were taken and at 6 : 30 a surgical doctor came in and pushed all around her stomach and kidneys . 8 : 00 x - rays were taken of her stomach / kidneys and her chest . The nurses were in to check and flushed her feeding tube and hooked up a new one . Then her ventilator was removed from the room ! It was not needed anymore ! Success ! The Dr . from ICU came in at 10 : 30 and told Tess that everything looked good . Amy 's trache would be downsized , a speech valve would be put in , and her oxygen would be decreased . ( To my understanding , even though a person has no speech , a speech valve can be used to be able to control the amount of oxygen a person is using . ) Amy managed to sleep on and off through that whole morning . Around noon she was bathed and gotten into her chair . Bill and I came and Tess left . Amy 's floor doctor came in and said that everything looked good . Respiratory techs were in and told me that it would be many days even weeks until she was off the trache ! Later the floor nurse told me that Amy would be able to go home without the trache and feeding tube if her swallowing test went well on Monday . The rest of the day was good but toward evening , Amy seemed flushed and sweaty and her heart rate was still high . About an hour and a half later a nurse finally came in and checked her vitals and all seemed fine . She just thought that her body was working extra hard because of being off the ventilator . Then Amy woke up and started smiling ! All she had been through and she could still smile . Bless her ! We had a good evening , read some chapters in her book , watched some Veggie Tales , called Daddy for bedtime prayers and listened to music as she fell asleep . Day 18 3 a . m . Amy 's bed was wet again , so I changed and repositioned her and we were able to go back to sleep . 8 a . m . Again the bed was wet and cold , I didn 't understand why I couldn 't just put diapers on her . The catheter was always leaking . At 11 : 00 her i . v . port was taken out . Another good sign . The Dr . was in and said her catheter could be removed and her trache would be downsized . When ? That was what he told me before ! I guess because it was a Sunday , the proper drs . weren 't there . The catheter was removed and Amy was set up in her wheelchair . We had some visitors and then Tess came so I could go home . While I was gone the floor doctor came in and said he would be gone for a few days so someone new would be in for him . Even though Tess read to Amy , watched t . v . and listened to music , they both didn 't sleep well . Day19 Amy seemed agitated , wanting to scratch her nose and bite on her hands . Her oxygen rate went down and her respiratory rate went up . Blood was taken , she was still congested and upset . Tess tried to calm her and finally she calmed and started watching " I Love Lucy " 8 : 00 For the swallowing test Amy was transferred to a small bed and wheeled downstairs and then transferred to another bed . She was all set up for the test in the chair and was given one bite of applesauce . She aspirated right away , so they stopped the test and brought her back upstairs . They suctioned as much out of her lungs as they could . It was mostly the applesauce . The PA came in and talked about a PEG tube . This is a tube going into her side right into her stomach . She could still go home with that in and have periodic swallowing tests to see if she could swallow her food instead of aspirating it . The trache Dr . was in and he needed to consult about a smaller tube first before he did it . It would just take more time ! Skin specialists were in and said that Amy 's sore on her tailbone was healing nicely . Bill , Emily and I came around noon and Tess left . It had been a stressful morning . Amy 's ICU Dr . was in and he downsized her trache to a 4 , the smallest . Amy saw so many different doctors while she was in the hospital . But her first Dr . , the ICU Dr . , did more for us than all the rest combined . He also had compassion and was truly trying to help us get Amy home . He was too optimistic , though . I wish , just once , he would have told us the worst that could happen . . . . . . that Amy might die . We consulted with Home Health services and found out that we could care for a trache and a PEG tube at home . Amy was up in her wheelchair for about 2 hours that afternoon . She did great . Emily and Bill left for home and Amy soon went to sleep . She had had a long , trying day . I will always have doubts . What if I had stayed Sunday night and was there for the test Monday morning ? Could I have calmed her down ? Did the applesauce taste gross and she tried to spit it out ? Was she sitting properly and not uncomfortable ? Those are questions I asked myself then and still ask myself now . But it wouldn 't have changed God 's plan for her life . Our days are numbered . I really believe that . And it was her time to leave this earth . Emily updated our friends that night . My sister sent this to me last Sunday on Amy 's birthday . It sums up exactly what I feel . " Do not judge the bereaved mother . She comes in many forms . She is breathing , but she is dying . She may look young , but inside she has become ancient . She smiles , but her heart sobs . She walks , she talks , she cooks , she cleans , she works , she IS , Quite a few years ago Emily and I and some close friends from Michigan visited a beautiful cemetery that was almost like a park . It had hills and was set on the edge of a large pond or river with winding roads and little houses for the mausoleums . We saw a grave of a child that was all decorated for his / her birthday . ( I don 't remember if it was a boy or girl . ) I thought how strange this was . Didn 't the relatives realize that the child is no longer there , but in heaven with Jesus ? I also remember a televised news report of a mother who was accused of killing her child and the reporters showed her at the cemetery and she had balloons and was having a party . I was appalled at that ! I knew right away she must be guilty to be doing such a awful thing ! I think it turned out later that she was guilty . On Thursday , Bill and I went to the cemetery and he helped me dig out the wreath from under the snow and cut the wires that were holding it on . There is only 5 or 6 inches of snow left , but it is very hard snow . I had never seen the little sweater that my sister knitted for Tinkerbell , as it snowed right after Tess put it on her and she has been covered ever since ! The Tinkerbell ornament that hung on the wreath on Amy 's grave . I cried so hard , like I haven 't for quite awhile . It was so difficult , to know that we weren 't going to have a party with cake and candles , that Amy loved so much ! I know that she is partying with Jesus . If He knows the very number of hairs on our head , then I do believe that He thinks we are important enough that there will be some kind of celebration in heaven on the day we were born . People tell me to try to think how happy she is , and I do . It is just so very hard on certain days to not miss her here in my life . Bill left for Andros Island on Friday . He is going to be gone 9 days this time . Last Sunday , in church , a video was presented that showed photos of what the men did last year . Amy was is the hospital the whole time they were there . The video was dedicated to Amy and this is the picture I chose to give them to post at the end . She looks so happy here and at peace . The wind blowing her hair , making her shut her eyes , but she is enjoying it . I can tell by the smile on her face . So Bill left Friday and Saturday I went to buy a helium balloon for Amy 's grave . On a whim I bought a flag stand with a flag of a cross and butterflies and flowers on it . This is the helium balloon I bought . I got one that says " Happy Birthday Princess " . Amy was a princess here in this life and I know that now she is a real princess in heaven . The ground is still frozen and the snow is really hard , but I was able to get the flag stand into the snow . When everything thaws , I 'll be able to get the items into the ground . I know the balloon won 't last very long , but I felt good to be able to " give " Amy something . So with Bill away , the girls and I decided to not be here for a few days . We are driving five hours to spend four days at the beach . It might be cold and I don 't expect to get in the water , but it will be something different for us to do . I stopped at AAA yesterday to pick up a map . There was a young girl there in a wheelchair . She was all smiles when I said hello and told her that I used to have a daughter in a wheelchair . I showed her my brochure of Amy 's Story with Amy 's picture on the front and told her that she was my daughter . She smiled some more . I told her dad that he could have the brochure and read her Amy 's story . He told me that they were in AAA getting the title for a accessible van for his daughter . I told him that we had had one and it was the great ! I noticed that she had her coat on the way I would wear it on Amy sometimes , with her arms stuck in the arm openings , but with the back in the front to cover her up in the chair . I smiled and wished them well . I got my map and then retreated to my car and had a good cry . She was so sweet , it made me miss Amy so much . Amy is celebrating with her Grandma and Grandpa , I know they are loving seeing her talk and run and sing ! and dream . . . . . . . . . . . of the time we will see each other once more and you will smile at me again , but you will also be able to say , " I love you , Mom . " And we 'll sing praises together as God holds us in the palm of His hand . Posted by Today is the eleven month anniversary of Amy 's going home to heaven . Tomorrow would have been her 32nd birthday here on earth and it will be her first birthday in heaven . I will try to continue her story . Amy 's 14th day in ICU was to be her last day there . Tess had stayed the night and said Amy slept well once she got to sleep . She was groggy through x - ray at 5 : 30 a . m . and respiratory at 7 a . m . , but woke up soon after . She said Amy seemed sad . I wonder if she knew her time was short . Amy had her bath which required another pain shot as she was agitated . Then Tess let her choose some nail polish and painted Amy 's nails . She always loved getting her nails painted ! The Dr . came in around 9 : 30 and said they were going to try an ATM ( Aerosol Trache Mask ) to breathe on her own instead of using the ventilator . Even though she had a trache she was still on the ventilator to help her breathe . He also said another Dr . , his cousin , would be seeing her in her new room . Tess put a big question mark in our journal as no one had told us she would be moved . I came around noon and Amy was still so sleepy . She had a restless afternoon . Slept when she could but woke up often . She was given more pain meds around 5 : 30 and then more again around 7 : 00 . We were watching some tv and Amy just seemed so sad . She just stared a lot , which was unusual for her . A nurse came in around 8 : 00 and said they had a room for us and to get ready to move all her stuff . I questioned this and she said it was a good thing , meaning that Amy was ready to leave the ICU . I know she had been there 14 days , but they just cut her open the day before ! She was still on the ventilator and I didn 't really see how she was " better . " Did it have anything to do with money ? She had a medical card , which I 'm sure the state didn 't pay very much . But I chose to believe that she was doing " better " and that it was a good thing to go to a regular floor . The heater in her room had issues ( it was about 95 ) and so a tech was in working on it until 11p . m . Amy started crying around 10 p . m . and was given another pain shot . We didn 't have as much space because of all her machines , but at least we had a private room , with a bathroom , so I didn 't have to use the public one ( down the hall ) and could actually shower here if I wanted to . We were both up until 1 a . m . and no one bothered Amy until 5 a . m . when lab came in for more blood work . So began our . . . . . . . . . . Amy was put on the ATM that morning and was breathing well on her own . Amy slept a lot during the day , catching up on the sleep missed the last couple of days . People were in and out , of course , Amy even had more blood drawn and she slept through it all . The Dr . s PA came in and told me that if she can 't be weaned off the trache within two days that she will have to be moved to a nursing care facility for 3 - 4 weeks . Another PA came in and told me the same thing . After she left I fell apart . I went in the bathroom and cried . The thought of another 3 - 4 weeks and moving her to a nursing facility just unnerved me . I felt like I had been lied to about the trache . But maybe I just didn 't ask enough questions . I called Bill and cried . I 'm sure the nurses could hear me . I 'm sure they also heard me say that I felt like I had been lied to . They never told me it would be weeks and weeks until they could take the trache out . Amy woke up and so I had to be happy for her . The new Dr . came in and introduced himself to me but didn 't talk to Amy . I didn 't want to talk to him right then , so I don 't think I was very polite . After about an hour the nurse manager came in all concerned about me and how I was doing . I could see right through her " concern . " But , of course , I was pleasant and smiled and told her I was ok . About 4 : 00 Bill and Emily finally came . They weren 't planning on coming that day , but decided to since I was so upset . Emily was going to stay the night for me , her first time , and I agreed as I was so emotionally exhausted . After I left someone came in and wanted to give Amy a pneumonia vaccination as she never had one and thankfully Emily told them to wait until they talked to me . Do you really give some one a vaccination when they presently have the illness ? Amy was taken off the ATM . She had been on it for 13 hours , breathing on her own ! X - ray was in at 7 : 30 and that was not a pleasant way to wake up . Amy had her usual morning routine and Emily said that Amy cried . Just tears , not scrunching her face in pain , but just tears . She was sad . Again , I wonder how much Amy knew that we did not and I was to blind to see how sad she was . Emily said that when they took the respirator off her that morning , Amy smiled . It was the first smile she had seen in quite a while . Emily told her it was St Patrick 's Day ( but it wasn 't yet ! ) and Amy smiled again . Amy loved holidays and parties ! The PA came in and said there was still fluid in Amy 's lungs and they were going to treat that . Amy would be allowed to get in her wheelchair today for a little while ! I came about 11am and got another smile from Amy . The Dr . came in and I told him what I thought about his PA . I was polite , he was polite . He assured me that Amy would not go anywhere else , except to our home . I did feel better , but I also found out from the nurse that the nursing facility wouldn 't take Amy 's medical card , so she couldn 't have gone there anyway . Does everything always come back to money ? " Emily left for a break and I need to think . . . . Amy will be in here at least through the weekend . It is very important that we try to get her off the ventilator and then off the trache so she will be able to eat real food and so she can get back to normal . " The speech therapists came in and did a swallowing test with Amy . She did really well . So on Monday she will get a test with an x - ray as she swallows to see where the food goes down her . Tessa had a good evening with Amy . They watched some tv , read some more chapters in her book and she fell asleep listening to Chris Thomlin . She slept from 7 : 30p . m . to 6 : 30 am . Day 11 , March 10 , 2013 , Sunday - Tess stayed overnight with Amy and was there for all the morning stuff . It was becoming routine by now . The blood tests , the shots , the suctioning of the tubes , changing the pads , sheets , blankets , bathing , clean gown , medicine rubbed on her feet , washing her face and brushing teeth , and then that morning for something special Tess braided Amy 's hair . The doctor 's advice was to continue the trials of the CPAP . Bill and I came at 10 am . She was so happy to see her Daddy ! He took this picture of her . It is hard to see the little french braids across the top of Amy 's head . Why couldn 't I see then that she was failing ? The sunken eyes and the dark circles ? Why didn 't I know that she was so frail ? The doctors were all so optimistic . No one ever told us the worst that could happen . We were all so foolishly optimistic . Deep down I was so very scared , but I didn 't let on . I told myself to believe what everyone said . " She was going to get better . " Day 12 - in ICU . Looking back over the notes that I and my daughters kept of the month , I see that today was some kind of turning point although I didn 't realize it at the time . I started questioning the doctors and I wasn 't so sure they understood all that was going on with Amy . They had told me that if she needed to have a trache done , it could be done in the room . Now they were saying that she needed to be in an operating room for that to be done . If she needed one so badly , why were they waiting ? When the doctor came in I questioned him , and he didn 't have any answers for me , but he said they would take out the intubation tube that day and see how her breathing was on her own , without anything but an oxygen mask . But if she didn 't breathe well they would have to intubate her again . That 's when I lost it and said that if they needed to do the trache she should not be intubated again . To put her through that pain again was not right . He said he was " sorry but that is how things work . The OR rooms have to be scheduled , the Dr . has to cancel patient visits and chances are she might not need to be trached . " It was a business to them , not personal patient care , just a business . Another hour passed and then a young resident ( new for that week ) came in and said they were taking out the tube . He prepped Amy and watched her numbers as they started to rise . She was getting agitated and I imagine she was scared . The resident left to consult with the doctor and when he came back they had decided to not try to remove the intubation tube , but just scheduled her for the tracheotomy the next afternoon . Maybe I should have demanded they try to see if she could breathe on her own . Maybe I should have been more firm in getting answers to my questions or maybe I didn 't ask the right questions . I don 't know and it doesn 't matter now anyway . Amy cried that evening . It about broke my heart . She was so weak . The nurse gave her some pain meds and I put on Veggie Tales for her . She calmed and then more crying . I read to her , sang with her and then put on some soft music to listen to . She was contented but still wide awake after midnight . I finally crashed . The nurses said she was awake most of the night , but didn 't cry any more . Day 13 - Our morning was the usual routine . Amy was happy to see her daddy again that morning . Tess came about noon and we took turns going to the cafeteria . We visited and Amy dozed . When it was time to take her to the OR , I assured her everything would be alright . She would go to sleep and we would be here when she woke up . They didn 't call us to come back to her room until after she had been cleaned up and was awake . She looked so good ! She didn 't smile , but she didn 't have the mask taped to her face anymore . It was so good to actually see her face again ! Our Pastor and Assistant Pastor came to visit , but didn 't stay long as Amy was starting to cry . She was in pain . Late afternoon a tube was inserted back in her nose to give her some nutrition . I had to leave her room as I was falling apart . I had never left her alone during a procedure in her 31 years of life , until now . Tess and Bill were there , but I couldn 't I really feel that this was the last day that Amy had a chance of a normal life again . Once the trache was done , her little body was just to frail to recover . But we didn 't know that then . The next morning I sent out a mass email and facebook post before heading off to the hospital again . March 13 Cheryl As you can see , I posted what I was told by the doctors . They would start weaning her off the trache in four days . That never happened . Posted by Thursday of this week was a tough one for me . I realized that exactly a year ago Amy would have had her last " normal " day at home and my life and her life would never be the same after that . The next time she was home , she had holes cut in her with tubes connecting her to machines to keep her alive . Friday was the day that we had taken her to the ER and she was transported to a larger facility an hour away by ambulance . So today would have been Amy 's first full day in the hospital and we thought she was getting better and going to come home soon . Her Daddy was leaving for a ministry trip the next day and all seemed to be going well . I feel the need to continue Amy 's story of the last few weeks of her life . I started writing about the first days of her hospital stay in posts Nov . 22 , Nov . 27 , Nov , 30 , Dec . 3 , and Dec . 6 . I really didn 't realize how hard it would be to recall what we had gone through and so I haven 't wanted to think about it for quite a while , but now I am remembering and reliving each day as it happened last year . As I previously wrote in the posts above , we had been in the hospital for 8 days now . Amy had been intubated , the tube removed and intubated again . Now they were talking about a tracheotomy if she didn 't start breathing more on her own . Day 9 - Tess had stayed overnight and when the doctor came in that morning , he told Tess that Amy was improving each day and no tracheotomy was needed ! Her i . v . port was changed and so was the catheter tube . She was given the shot in her belly to prevent blood clots and also the one to prevent ventilator pneumonia . I wonder now , how much that hurt her to have all the tubes taken out and put back in again , to get shot after shot . Did I show enough compassion ? Did I comfort her each time ? I don 't remember . It just tends to blur together after being there for so long . Emily and I didn 't come in until around noon . Amy was doing well . She was breathing on her own quite a lot and that was encouraging . Our dear pastor 's wife came to visit and she stayed for a few hours talking with us . It was such a comfort to me . After she left we washed Amy 's hair and a kind nurse washed her blanket for me . Amy had a blanket from the time she was an infant . When hers wore out , Tess gave her the one she had when she was a baby that I had saved . She had that one until just about a year before she died and it was so threadbare that I knitted her a new pretty one . She always slept with it up by her face . We took it on vacations and anytime she would be away from home overnight . I put it in her casket with her and now it lays with Amy under the frozen ground and snow . Emily left early evening and Amy and I had a peaceful evening . Her 31st birthday was the next day , March 9 , and her daddy was due to come home that day also . We talked about that and her birthday . I told her we would have a big party for her when she got home . I told the nurse not to reposition Amy that night , but to let her sleep if she was sleeping . Day 10 - She did sleep well and I gave Amy some new lotion and perfume that I had brought for her . I cleaned her up and made her smell real good . Everyone who came in told her happy birthday . I had a pink ribbon on her pillow that said , " It 's my birthday ! " She was treated like a princess . The doctor came in and after looking at her chart and examining her , he kind of threw up his hands and said , " Science is only 15 % of treatment and the rest is judgement , and sometimes that is guessing . " She was borderline with her breathing . Even though she was on CPAP a lot of the time , she was still needing the ventilator to help her breathe . He did not want to make a decision as to trache or not . It was a Saturday anyway and nobody does anything in the hospital on the weekends ! That afternoon Amy got a call from each of her siblings and also my parents to sing , " Happy Birthday . " We had a few visitors come I would not have been able to cope with Amy being in the hospital for so long if it had not been for my " girls . " My daughters were wonderful in constantly driving for me , so I could unwind , staying every other night or every 3rd night so I could sleep in my own bed . Making sure I walked to the cafeteria to eat warm food and just being there to comfort me . I will never be able to thank them for the support they gave me and the love they always gave to their sister . Tess and Emily have grown closer since Amy died . Being 7 years apart , they never really " played " together , but Tess was more of a mother and babysitter to Emily as she grew up . Tess left for college when Emily was 11 and didn 't spend a lot of time home after that . They have different personalities . Tess takes after her dad , is quiet and reserved , and Emily takes after me , speaks her mind . Amy was the glue that held our family together . When there were problems , arguments , divisions , Amy was always there , wanting our love , smiling , loving us in return . She always made us humble , she loved us when we were not loving . She smiled even if we were not smiling and she loved to laugh when someone got yelled at ! She was precious . She was Jesus to me . Emily and Tess on her wedding day |
These few moments have to be one of my very favorite times ever . The kids just put on their new flannel PJs , Fitz checked Norad with them , and they ran up to bed after seeing how close to the East Coast he is getting . Now we sit here in silence , just enjoying the lights from the tree and the few moments of peace while we wait to make sure the kids are asleep . We 'll head to bed ourselves after we get all the presents laid out and stuff the stockings , but for now . . . this is bliss . I am feeling completely blessed at this moment . No wonder ' bliss ' and ' bless ' are so closely spelled ! Remember this guy ? When I wrote that post , we thought we were saying goodbye to Michael for the summer , but life ( and bills ) got ahold of us , and we weren 't able to work Michael back in . But as of last week , he 's back . Tonight , I had to run out to bring Charlie to his hip hop class ( whole ' nother story , whole ' nother time ! ) and left before Michael arrived . When I got back , there was a full on jam session in the family room , with Michael on the guitar , E . J . on the banjo , and Pipo on the drum . Last week , he worked for quite a while on the piano with Emma , and she has been practicing relentlessly all week . With a musician Dad , and a roomful of instruments , we aren 't usually lacking for music here . But sometimes , it 's easy to take it all from granted . Sometimes it 's easier to leave teh guitars hanging on the wall and watch a dumb movie . That 's where Michael comes in . He lights a fire under our kids like nothing I 've ever seen . He makes them love music , and want to get better for the love of it , and for the fun of it . The other night , I was cleaning up after dinner and getting the table cleared to make gingerbread houses . All of a sudden I stopped in my tracks . All 7 kids , hanging out in the family room waiting for me , had started playing Feliz Navidad on various instruments together . It was hilarious , and they were having a blast . This is why we have to make an effort to keep Michael a part of our lives . 4 years ago tonight , I sat here in the quiet living room with kids sprawled sleeping all around me . They had made a valiant attempt to stay up and meet their new brother for the first time . Fitz had met Pipo at the airport , coming in off a late flight , and drove him home in the newly fallen 18 inches of snow . It was the first snow Pipo had ever seen . He was up bright and early the next morning putting his new orange parka on over his pajamas and begging to go touch the snow . I couldn 't get over the enormous smile on this sick , scared little boy . It 's 4 years later , and there isn 't close to 18 inches of snow on the ground yet here , but what little we have still brings out the same enormous smile . A lot has changed in 4 years . . . I 'm glad that smile hasn 't . This morning was like any other crazy morning here in Fitzville . Fitz rounded the older 3 boys up to head to school , Kaleigh made her way off , and I was trying to get Tommy and Emma ready to drop them off and then run Margaret over to the orthodontist . Minutes before we left the phone rang . It was E . J . telling me he had forgotten his big project he had been working on for days . . . a project that was due today , and could I please come bring it to school for him . Sure , no problem . . . fit that right into the other 100 things I was trying to get done today . The beauty of this phone call is that E . J . knew my policy when he called . It 's a brilliant idea , given to me by a cyber friend years back , and which I have not only used in my own house , but passed on to many , many friends in town , so that their children could hate me . And now I am taking it to the cyber world , so that children nationwide can hate me . ' Cause I 'm an overachiever like that . The policy is hassle chores . Very simply . . . if you call to ask me to do you a favor that is above and beyond the call of mom duty , a favor that is truly a hassle for me . . . then you will in turn owe me a " hassle chore " . These are chores that moms get stuck with . Thinks like cleaning out the van , or sorting laundry , or organizing a closet . The greatest thing about hassle chores is not getting an annoying task out of the way , but that the kid learns quickly not to forget soccercleats / books / lunch money etc . And as an added bonus , they learn to think hard before they make that call . . . is this call really necessary , is it worth a hassle chore ? And as much as my kids hate this policy , I would bet money that someday my grandkids will also do hassle chores . Maybe not right away , but after mom or dad has to drop everything they are doing to run to school with that shoebox and playdough diorama . Last night the windshield wipers stopped working , and it was lightly raining . Margaret asked how Fitz could see , and he replied " I can 't . . . I 'm like a bat . " Charlie immediately corrected him . . . " Oh , you mean you have echolocation . . . but that wouldn 't work in the car , because it would bounce right back at you off the windshield . " Sheesh . . . my kids have no imagination . There 's something about the youngest child 's birthday that makes it seem that time is moving at lightspeed . Tommy was way more excited to turn 7 today than I was . I would be very happy to freeze him right now . How much longer do I have of him still reaching for my hand when we are walking ? Of him climbing into bed with us in the middle of the night ? Of him curling on my lap when the movie gets too scary . Not many more of these moments I am guessing . I will take them for as long as I get them . Can you count all 7 Fitz kids in the tree ? Click to enlarge and make it easier . I can find them all . I can find them with my eyes closed . I spend a good portion of my life doing head counts wherever we go . So it pains me to think that next year I will be coming up one short with each count . I have always had a hard time with any of the kids being away for any length of time , so it is unfathomable to me that Kaleigh will be going off to college next year . . . away for months at a time . She is looking fairly locally . . . but still . I don 't think I 'll ever get used to counting 6 instead of 7 . Last night was the high school sports banquet . Being a tiny high school of only about 300 kids , we have one awards night for all the teams together . Kaleigh was announced as the " unsung hero " of the soccer team . I wasn 't surprised to hear the way her coach described her . He said that she gave her heart and soul out there for ever single game . I wasn 't surprised at all . Kaleigh gives her heart and soul to everything she does . One of the schools that Kaleigh recently applied to requested a parent letter , describing important qualities you felt your son / daughter has . The first word that came to my mind was passion . From the time Kaleigh was tiny , everything she did she did with passion and she continues it to this day . Whether it is school work , on the sports field or sitting with her guitar in hand , she puts everything she 's got into it . She will be a huge asset to any school that akes her next year , but she will leave a big hole in this home while she is away . The phone rang earlier today , and the woman on the other end told me she was from the " Make a Wish " foundation . I was silent for a minute , and she had to repeat herself . Kaleigh sent in an application for Pipo sometime last Spring , and I hadn 't given it much thought then . We had gotten a brief phone call saying they had received the application , and that they would have to verify with Pipo 's doctor and then get back to us . At the time , Pipo was doing well and I thought this program was meant more for kids who were terminally ill . Today , I was told that Pipo is being granted a wish . . . that they will assign two volunteers to come to our house and try to make that wish come true . I was stunned enough , silent enough that the woman told me she would let me think about it , and call next week to set up an appointment . I told her that would be fine , and hung up the phone and was silent again . It wasn 't until about 10 minutes later that I burst into tears . I 've written before about the reality checks we 've had in the past regarding Pipo 's FSGS . It is so easy to get lulled into thinking the disease isn 't there . Since last December , Pipo has been relapsing regularly . Not bad relapses . . . we have caught it quickly each time , adjusted his meds and pulled him out of it . In the back of my head , I knew the frequent relapses weren 't good . I had spoken with his doctor at the end of the summer about his current immunosuppressant having run it 's course . I was afraid it wasn 't working and that we would need to look for something else . This last hospitalization was the biggest reality check yet . People have been constantly asking how Pipo is , ever since we got home . And I tell them he 's fine . . . it 's part of our life , just a small stumbling block . That 's true for the most part . Fitz and I have talked about how hard it would be to have a healthy child and suddenly get an FSGS diagnosis , how hard that would be . We 've talked about how in a way , the FSGS is almost a good thing . . . it 's how we found out about Pipo , it 's why he is here today . WitPosted by One of the toughest thing with older child adoption in a large family has got to be that expectation you get that this child will quickly develop a loving bond with a big group of strangers . I knew this was unrealistic , and we had tried to prepare ourselves for issues . Pipo immediately hit it off with Margaret , who he started school with , he worshipped big sister Kaleigh , and adored Tommy and Emma who were still little at that point in time . We expected issues between he and E . J . as he was replacing his new brother as the oldest boy in the house . With time and patience , we worked through that one , and they quickly became best buds . The hardest relationship of all , though , was that between Pipo and Charlie . I have a bit of a soft spot for Charlie , and couldn 't imagine anyone not loving him . He 's a sensitive little marshmallow of a kid , and sees the good in everyone , which makes him particularly vulnerable . So it broke my heart to hear Pipo tell him he " didn 't like him " , and that he " wasn 't his real brother . " Charlie looked up to Pipo so much , and desperately wanted Pipo to like him . We had many conversations with Pipo , many firm sit - downs , where we told him he had to be nice . Nothing seemed to get through to him . I had to step back at one point and really look at it all from a distance . I realized then that to someone new in our house , I could see how Charlie could be annoying . Especially when he was trying so , so so hard to get Pipo to notice him . The other kids have all grown up with Charlie . They ' get ' him . They know that he gets revved up easily , and that he can 't always help it . If they are all riled up playing a game , the others can ' turn it off ' and walk away , but Charlie can 't always do that so easily . . . just the nature of ADHD . He has a harder time finding his " off " button . Pipo had not grown up with this . All he knew is that this little kid was following him everywhere , talking a mile a minute and constantly touching him . I sat Pipo down at one point and just laid it on the line for him . I explained ADHD asPosted by Pipo and I have been cooped up in a hospital room in Boston for a few days now . His kidney disease has relapsed , and he needed some IV fluids to get him back on par . He is doing well , but bored and awfully tired of hospital food and diet restrictions . Last night , I had left my phone out in the van to recharge , as the battery was dying . I went out to the garage to retrieve it , not realizing it was almost 10pm by then . Almost realizing that the hospital practically goes into lockdown at that time of night . I could not get back into the building . I wasnt worried at first , figuring I could find someone on security to let me in . But I couldnt find anyone , and then I got lost , as this hospital has multiple buildings on both sides of the street that are connected . My saving grace turned out to be Bob Dylan . Turns out he was doing a show right around the corner , and it was letting out just around the same time . At first I was a little thrown by the sudden hoards of people sharing the sidewalks with me . . . an incredibly eclectic group with a broad age range . I was on my cell phone with Fitz , who told me about the concert . I relaxed instantly , knowing that if these were all Dylan fans , they were bound to help me ! Sure enough , everyone I asked was more than understanding and helpful , and I was soon directed into the right part of the building to get back in . So thanks Bob . . . " On a night like this , I 'm glad you came around . " A couple of things lately have spurred on this post . One is that I recently commented to Fitz that Charlie seemed to have grown out of his cartwheel phase . Fitz quickly informed me that the cartwheels are alive and well at school . Charlie started at Fitz 's school this year , which is a campus rather than one building . There is some moving around from classes , and apparently Charlie takes full advantage of this to get the cartwheels out of his system . I think we don 't see them at home so much because he has the trampoline now to let out that excess energy . The other thing was the recent progress letter from Charlie 's teacher . It was glowing , but it did mention his distractibility , and lack of focus at times . I love his teacher , and it sounds like Charlie is having a great year so far , but this was that reminder that the ADHD is alive and well . I have mentioned ADHD on here in the past , but never spoken in depth about it . This post may end up way longer than you would like : ) Charlie was not quite 2 when we were first made aware of his attentional issues . Yes , that 's right . . . not quite 2 . He had had some hearing / ear issues and we were having him evaluated by Early Intervention for speech . He ended up not qualifying for speech , but they told us they were concerned with his attentional issues , and we were given an educator 3 days a week at our house to work with him . I was shocked to say the least . Pre - kids , I was ( am ) a special educator who worked primarily with ADHD kids . But these were school aged kids . I had never known of this being picked up so early , and I never would have seen it in my son at that age . Sure he was a busy active ( okay , crazy ! ) toddler , but aren 't most little boys ? But I will tell you this . . . years after this , I can say that it was the best thing that ever happened to Charlie . I don 't think he will ever need meds , and he is forever coming up with new coping strategies just like that long ago teacher taught him to . When I was teaching , I often encountered regular ed . teachers who were frustrated by thPosted by It 's been a long hard fall , but we are hanging in there . Fitz has reminded me daily that I have not written on this blog in quite a while . I can use the excuse of being busy . . . an all too real excuse lately , but the reality is , I just haven 't had the emotional energy . Beyond being physically drained , my brain has just been trying to process the last month or so . Nothing bad , just life . I like to remind him that he has not been the most prolific of bloggers either , but he beat me to it and posted the eulogy he wrote for his mum . A beautiful read , I must say . This fall has reminded me once again what an incredibly supportive group of friends we have . With all that we went through , people were constantly doing many , many little things to make our life easier . The wake for my mother in law was scheduled from 4 - 8pm . A very long stretch of time for a group of young kids . Rob , a good friend and fellow teacher of Fitz 's , stopped by early on . He lives very close to the funeral home , and offered to take whichever of our kids wanted to walk his new puppy and go back to his house for pizza . A small offering in his eyes , but a huge help in ours . It had me thinking on the way home of how many times people reach out to us , quietly , simply , and without reservation . It 's Wednesday , our normal spaghetti night , which we kept up right through the midst of all this . I 've written about Wednesdays , and how much I love them . We tell people they don 't need to bring a thing , but people almost always drop by with a bottle of wine , a loaf of garlic bread , or a dessert . Our friend Tom though , almost always shows up with a gallon of milk . Sometimes he even has a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs . He never says a word , just quietly puts the milk in the fridge . He knows we are feeding an army every day , and that gallon of milk , a small offering on his part , is another huge gift to us . Our friend Drew will most likely make an appearance tonight as well . At our last Memorial day party , there was a small crew of us sitting by the fire late night . Fitz Posted by We lost Fitz 's mom this morning . These last few weeks have been amazing for me to witness . Her children gathered around her , holding her hand , loving her to the end . She had always been an inspiration to me . . . raising 6 kids to be such great , close adults . Not a day goes by that Fitz doesn 't talk with at least one of his siblings . The last few years we had been losing her slowly to Alzheimers . The last year or so , it was very hard for her to remember people . What amazed me though , is that each time we went to visit with the kids , she would need help and ask the names of the kids , but when it came to Pipo , she never forgot . She would proudly introduce him as her grandson from Haiti to anyone nearby . Today , as we went through her things , my sister in law found a ' memory notebook ' she had started for her in the early stages . . . when her memory was just starting to fade . The idea was that she would keep it close by , and jot down notes each day of things she wanted to remember . She didn 't love the idea though , and had made only one entry on one day . My sister in law looked at it , and promptly gave it to me saying that I should save it . I looked at the entry . After a couple of sentences of everyday errands she needed to do , there was this sentence . . . " John picks Philippe up tonight at Logan . " She accepted Pipo from the start , just as excited for our new son as she was with each baby I gave birth to . But to see this line there . . . to know it was something important enough for her to jot down . . . I just had no words . Fitz met with his siblings this afternoon to discuss all the arrangements . He called me at one point to get an address from me . The address for Saint Boniface Haiti Foundation . He and his siblings decided to have donations in memory of his mother sent to Saint Boniface , in honor of their bringing Pipo into our family . I couldn 't be more grateful . Yesterday , Fitz played at an outdoor festival . It was a gorgeous day , and the band was set up in a gazebo at the bottom of a large , sloping field surrounded by orchards . At one point in their set , I noticed a good number of small children climbing up into and around the gazebo , poking at , picking up and playing with anything within their reach . The harmonica player had a case of all of his harps set open in front of him . . . so that he could switch to different keys as needed . Some of these kids were actually grabbing spare harmonicas and playing them . Kids hanging on the side of the gazebo were jumping down and grabbing the sound system to get their balance . Running across in front of the musicians , they would occasionally knock a mike stand off kilter , requiring Fitz to adjust it in mid - song . This wasn 't new or unusual unfortunately . Whenever he does a family show where there are a lot of kids , there is always the stray kid ' getting into things ' . But it does seem to be getting worse . A lot of the time , the parents are there , they are just to caught up in their own things to be paying attention to their children . But many times , the parents see this behavior and let it continue . They think their kids are just " so cute " and isn 't it great that they " aren 't shy at all " . " Look at little Sammy . . . getting right up on stage ! " Trust me , it 's not cute . It 's not cute at all to see small children playing around with very expensive equipment . My guess is some of these parents think it 's a family friendly show , and after all . . . the musicians aren 't complaining or saying anything . The musicians are working . They can 't very well stop the show to discipline someone else 's kid . They also want to get booked for more shows , so of course they will smile at your adorable child who is pulling the strings off of their $ 4000 guitar . Yesterday I honestly wanted to find some of these parents and ask them . . . " Hey , would it be okay if tomorrow I show up at your office with my 7 kids and let them climb on your desk and play with your computer wPosted by I 've written about our crazy soccer schedule in the past , both here and here . . . but this fall we are at a whole ' nother level . All 7 are playing , one on two different teams , and no one is on the same team . Eight different schedules to follow . A friend commented the other day on how organized we must be , and what my calendar must look like . I admitted that we don 't even have a calendar . I keep stuff in my head , always have . That way I won 't lose it ! The truth is , if I wrote everything on the calendar I think my head might just explode . Going day by day doesn 't seem so scary , but to see all of it out there . . . I 'm just not sure I could deal with it . I counted last night , and we have 19 practices a week . Thankfully Kaleigh can drive to her own , so I am ' only ' left with 14 . Add on the 7 - 10 games per week , CCD starting for 6 of them , multiple doctor and dentist appointments set up for the fall , and Fitz and I are left with our heads spinning . We chose to have a big family , and we chose to have them involved in activities like soccer . . . so I am not complaining at all . I was talking with a friend yesterday , and I realized what the bigger issue is . We have no transition time from Summer to Fall . I am incredibly thankful for our summers . They are truly dream summers for our kids . All of us are together constantly , with no pressures or true commitments . Camp is our only commitment , but it is a joy to be there , and it is one of the most relaxing places I 've ever been . We go straight from pure , fun family time to a jam packed schedule literally overnight . It 's a tough thing to get used to . At least for this mom . The picture above is one of the first family photos of all of us in many years . I have plenty of pictures of all the kids , but I am rarely out from behind the camera . This shot was taken during a weekend in Vermont with family and friends . Slipped in between camp and trips to the Cape , it was just one more adventure I know the kids will remember forever . I doubt they will remember all these soccer games , or their 5th grPosted by At the playground the other day , Tommy asked me to help him on the trolley , where he was never able to reach up to . Last Spring , he still needed help . But the other day , he reached right up and grabbed it . I think he was as surprised as I was ! It made me realize that all 7 have grown so much over the summer ! Then I took pictures for Kaleigh 's senior portraits . . . she might not be getting any bigger , but she sure is looking older ! I was incredibly sad this morning to read the news about the passing of Senator Ted Kennedy . Not a lot of people know our tie with Kennedy , but it is a big one . So today , I am reposting a post I wrote almost 4 years ago . Kennedy is not just one of the " politicians " I speak of , but the one who stepped in . The one who made it possible to bring our son home . PhilippeFitz had just come home from work . After routinely asking him about his day , I tried in vain to listen to him above the normal chaos of a house with 6 young kids whose Daddy had just gotten home from work . As I waded through the thick mass of toys and toddlers which had become my home , one sentence filtered through to me . " His name is Philippe , and he is eight years old … " Much , much later , when the kids had been tucked in and some of the chaos of the house sorted out , we lay side by side in the darkness of our room . I asked him again to tell me about Philippe . It seemed an old student of his , Conor Shapiro was working in Haiti , and his family was adopting a young boy . When Fitz asked Conor 's mom about it , she immediately told him about Philippe … another little boy needing a home . He said he would go home and talk it over with me . But there was no talking needed . From the moment Philippe 's name filtered through to me that afternoon , another Fitzsimmons child was born . Adoption was not a brand new idea to us . After making several trips to Honduras , Fitz and I spoke of adoption often . We even got as serious at one point as to start looking into the requirements of several different international adoption programs . But as time went on , we soon had six children of our own , and the idea became something more distant … something to put off until our children were a bit older . It became a vague , fuzzy vision of a foreign , exotic looking toddler with six older siblings to spoil him or her . Not once in our brief discussions did Haiti come up . Not once had we talked about an older child . Most certainly we had never discussed taking on a child with serious Posted by I laugh at the title of that last post . Did I really think I was catching up ? That I ever could catch up ? Life seems to have spun out of control on us somewhere along the way , and I feel like I just grabbed an overhanging tree branch to yank myself out of the current . Since that last post we have celebrated 4 birthdays , said goodbye to our good friend Livingstone , held our 12th annual Memorial Day bash ( unofficial headcount had our numbers over 150 this year ) , dealt with some ever occurring health issues with Pipo , attended numerous sporting events , concert , school celebrations and special events , finished up the school year , and most recently , hosted a group of Rwandan dancers . What ? What was that last item ? Oh yes , it was that broken filter in my mouth . . . the one that let 's that crazy YES word come flying out at any old moment . Standing by the fire after one of our Wednesday night dinners , a good friend casually mentioned a Rwandan dance troupe that was flying in shortly to perform and had nowhere to stay . I swear , sometimes these moments are like an out of body experience . I float somewhere up above , watching myself say " Why of course we don 't mind seven strangers moving in indefinitely ! " I float up above , shaking my head , wondering when I will ever learn . What we thought was the offer of a roof over their heads for a few nights became a week and a half of feeding the crowd , driving people here and there , trips into Boston Medical to try and figure out strange ailments . . . we quickly found out we bit off a bit more that we expected to chew . But here I am , down on Cape Cod , hanging onto that tree branch for dear life and watching the current storm by me . In retrospect , with all the stress and commotion this latest turn of events caused , I don 't know that I would have changed things . Some definite positives came out of it , and it is an experience my kids won 't soon forget . Raising 7 kids on a teachers salary is no easy feat , and Fitz and I know there are many things we will never be able to do for our kids . Fancy expPosted by Well . . . Fitz Mountain is finally gone . The winter we thought would never end has finally turned into Spring ! And with Spring comes yard work , which Tommy and Emma are glad to help with , as long as it includes a ride in the trailer ! Easter came and went , with lots of aunts , uncles and cousins . Actually . . . a mid egg hunt snowball fight was the final demise of the mountain ! Then came Fitz 's birthday , with so many candles I had to get a permit from the fire department ! Last week , Margaret had 12 inched cut from her hair , which she donated to locks of love . And last but not least , Emma made her First Communion . The 5th in a row here in Fitzville . We have a brief hiatus this coming year , before Tommy has the grand finale . Life in Fitzville has been a little crazier than usual this Spring . Along with the normal school / work / sports schedule , we 've had a few big events like First Communion , plays , birthdays etc . Our most recent change in routine is a nice one though . . . in the form of an unexpected visitor . Our friend , Livingstone Mpagi from Uganda flew in last week and has been staying with us . We met Livingstone 2 years ago at camp . He was a counselor that the kids fell in love with immediately , especially Pipo , who came up to me soon after camp started telling me " Mom , Livingstone is my best friend ! " We knew Livingstone as the quiet , gentle farmer from Uganda , but didn 't know much more . This past week has been an amazing week finding more and more about this amazing person . I have spent the last hour helping Livingstone set up a blog of his own to promote his school in Uganda . He is brand new to blogging , and still figuring out the whole system . His school is shown on a website here at Building Brighter Futures . The picture at the top of the post is the initial school Livingstone built in 1996 . He had 11 students from the village attending . Now , he serves more than 200 , in the school pictured at the bottom of the post . Livingstone 's new blog is Bukeka Children 's Center . Stop by and send some encouragement ! The other day we were getting ready to go to church , and I played the nagging wife role perfectly . " Are you really wearing that ? " and " But your hair . . . it 's , like um . . . sticking up everywhere ! " I had just spent a frantic half hour making sure the kids did not have gaping holes in the knees of their pants , or stains on their shirts . Fitz laughs whenever I get like this . He tries to convince me that no one will care if Tommy 's shirt matches his pants , or if Emma 's pigtails are uneven . But I know the truth . Everyone will be watching . Why is it that when a family ( especially a large family ) goes out in public , the husband and wife are viewed so differently ? If it 's the typical chaos , and someone 's shoes are on the wrong feet , someone 's hair isn 't brushed , someone buttoned their shirt wrong . . . people look at the dad and thing " Oh , that poor , hardworking guy . . . just trying to support that big family of his . " But when they look at the mom , they are thinking " Man , why can 't she get her act together ? Those poor kids . . . she has so many of them she can 't possibly care for them properly ! " I know society thinks this way . So for now I will keep spit - slicking my husbands hair down on the way to church , no matter how many times he smacks my hand away . Caribbean - July 2008Fitz and I have talked lately about how thankful we are for what we have . . . especially these days . Things are always tight , and we scrape by , but we do it with fun and love and purpose . One of the things I am most thankful for is the experiences we have been able to give our kids . All told , I have had it pretty good my whole life , but if there is one thing I regret , it is the lack of traveling I have done . Fitz has been around the world , and the big joke when he tells his stories is me saying " I 've never been anywhere . . . " He promises me that someday I will be able to venture out of my little New England bubble . My oldest daughter Kaleigh , however , is fairly well traveled for a 17 year old kid . Last summer , she had the amazing opportunity to spend a month in the Caribbean through the incredibly awesome Summer camp Fitz and I work at . . . Windsor Mountain International . Today , we officially found out that this summer , Kaleigh will be spending a month in Peru , in a full Spanish immersion program . How cool is that . I fully admit I am living my life vicariously through Kaleigh , and I am incredibly excited for this opportunity for her . Every summer , Fitz and I must say a hundred times how lucky we are to have camp be such a huge part of our lives . Even before these trips , Kaleigh had such awesome experiences just being part of camp while we worked . And now , all 7 kids are getting so much out of it every summer . We are just counting down the weeks now . . . the kids ask me regularly , " how much longer until camp ? " Okay , time to get back to the lightheartedness . . . There is nothing I love better than listening to my kids chatting away after they are supposed to be going to sleep . I just can 't get mad when I hear them laughing and joking up there . Tonight , I lingered on the stairs a bit to listen to the 4 boys , all in one bedroom . They were discussing names , and why they had their names . Charlie was retelling what I had once told him . . . that I didn 't care what Fitz called the baby if it was a girl , but if it was a boy , it was definitely Charlie . E . J . told the others that he was going to be Sarah if he was a girl ( true ) , and they all cracked up and said they would call him Sarah now . In the middle of all this , Charlie says , " But what about sauce ? " " Huh ? " said 3 brothers ' voices . Charlie went on . . . " but what about sauce , I mean why do we call it sauce ? " This had me laughing all the way down the stairs , to tell Fitz , where it reminded us of another story from years back . I was driving a van full of young kids , and they were all discussing animals . I was trying to impress upon them what a brilliant mom they had by classifying animals . I was explaining that a dog is actually a canine , a cat is a feline , but they are both mammals . . . etc . Suddenly , a small voice in the back pipes up , little Emma asking " Yeah , but what about croutons ? " I still haven 't been able to answer that one . When my blog suddenly got over 500 hits yesterday , I knew something was up . It seems yesterdays post was linked on another blog , and started quite a debate . While some people understood my anger at the ignorance I witnessed yesterday , many thought I was jumping to conclusions , and being overly sensitive . I have learned in the past three years that it is a very thin line walk as a parent of a black child . You want to be there to protect them , and to prepare them for the racism they may encounter in life . But you also want to teach them tolerance , acceptance and trust . I certainly don 't want Pipo to be expecting people to judge him . . . and yet I don 't want to raise him to be naive either . It 's hard posting things on a blog . . . so much is left to the interpretation of the reader . There 's no good way to convey tone , inflection or attitude . I am sure that the woman yesterday had no idea Emma and Pipo were siblings . . . I wouldn 't expect her to know that . But the tone of her voice , the expression on her face said everything to me when she spoke of the " African American boy . " Even before Pipo arrived , I had seen much ignorance . Having a big family puts us out there , so to speak , and leaves us vulnerable to peoples public ( and sometimes very vocal ) opinions . But I 've learned over the years to listen carefully when people speak . . . and not just to their words . Two strangers can say the exact same thing to me , and have totally different meanings . When finding out we have 7 kids , I often hear , " Are you going to have more ? " Picture these words spoken by someone with open curiosity and a smile on their face . I love talking to people who are genuinely curious as to what its like to raise a crew . Now picture those words spoken with a sneer , and a look of disgust . It 's very hard not to read in the implications there . . . I 'm overpopulating the world , I am irresponsible , I am creating tax burdens on those with smaller families , I can 't possibly have enough love or attention for that many , and am therefore neglectful . When we are in public , aPosted by When we first talked about bringing Pipo into our family , we talked about the possible ignorance we may face . Thankfully , there have been incredibly few instances over the last three years . . . but when it does come up , it is a terrible reminder to us that it is out there . . . it exists . Today I had the kids at Fitz 's big end of the year wrestling tournament . We go every year , so by this point , my kids know the building really well , and I am pretty comfortable to let them run loose there . So I was standing with another parent , watching a match when a woman walked up to me holding Emma 's hand . She told me that Emma was alone on the first floor of the building and a group of boys were harassing her . I laughed a little and told her that they were probably her brothers . The woman was still upset , and told me they were ' threatening ' Emma and telling her they would give her candy if she kissed someone . I asked Emma who , and she said Pipo , Charlie and Tommy . I told Emma to go get them , and again told the woman they were just her brothers , and I was sure they were just teasing her . The woman , looking very angry at this point , said " No . . . there was an African American boy there , and she looked scared ! " And there it goes . . . the bigger black boy with the smaller white girl . Obviously a little thug , obviously up to no good , obviously the poor little white girl was in danger from the black kid . I told the woman a little more firmly this time . . . " Yes . . that is her brother , " and I walked away . But I walked away fuming . If it had been Charlie or EJ teasing Emma , this would not have happened . But because it was Pipo , this woman assumed he was up to no good . The fact that she said Emma looked scared made me laugh . . . of course she was scared . A strange woman grabbed her by the hand and dragged her away ! I took all the kids aside and talked to them about teasing , but I also told them what this woman said . I have talked with all of the kids about this before . They need to know it 's out there . They need to know that some people will see Pipo ' Posted by Been away from the blog for a bit , but we are just finishing up vacation week and getting back a little normalcy here . If there is any such thing as normalcy here in Fitzville ! We had a fantastic few days down the Cape with Nana and Papa and some fun , fun cousins . Much swimming was done , and a short visit to a maritime museum where the kids got to try their hand at some scrimshaw . The pirate dress up area was the favorite by far though . Mid week I had a situation come up where I needed to drive to NJ unexpectedly . With Fitz not being on vacation , this meant I needed to either take several kids with me on a 5 hour two way road trip , or find people to watch all the kids overnight . Most people who know me know that I have a very difficult time asking for help . Fitz reminds me constantly that people like to help . . . and that I have no problem offering to take other peoples kids at a moments notice . Well , I didn 't have much choice here , so I started making phone calls . And this is where I love our little town . As much as I hated asking , I knew without a doubt that there were so many people I could call , and I knew they would help without hesitation . An hour later , I had 5 kids distributed among 3 different houses . The kids were thrilled with the spur of the moment sleep over arrangements , and I was relieved to know they would all be in good hands . The bonus of all this is that Margaret decided to come with me for company . This meant some unexpected one on one time ( rare in our house ) and a night at a hotel with a pool . As tough as the long drive was , we had a very fun night . This morning Charlie was in a hurry to get to school , so he went out to sit in the van , which I had warming up in the driveway . I must have left the radio on , because when I got into the van ( he had been in there no more than 5 minutes ! ) this is what I heard . . . " Hey Mom , you know what ? There was a bad fire in Plymouth last night , their smoke detectors weren 't working . And a plane crashed in NY . The Celtics won last night , and the Bruins are on the road tonight . It 's going to be 35 tomorrow , and the warm spell is over . Probably a few cold ones in store for us . " I have posted about EJ in the past on by blog , though rarely . He is our quiet , sensitive sweetheart . He is also one not to jump in headfirst . He has always liked to take his time and assess the situation first . This is the boy who did not walk until 16 months , not because he couldn 't , but because he just wasn 't ready . He does things in his own time . . . and he does them when he knows for sure he will do them well . So yesterday shouldn 't have surprised me . When Pipo signed up for wrestling this winter , we had offered it to all the boys . EJ had no interest at all . Fitz tried to gently encourage him , mentioning friends that were doing it , but EJ wanted no part of it . All winter , however , EJ has been hanging out at practice with Fitz 's varsity team . He often fully participates , but will also just sit doing his homework , occasionally looking up to watch a new move being taught . Yesterday , I brought the rest of the kids to watch one of Fitz 's team matches . When the other team arrived , they had a couple of smaller kids , and the coach asked Fitz if he had any smaller kids to give them matches . Fitz had no one that size , but told the coach that he had two sons there that might be willing to throw on a uniform and wrestle . Now Pipo has been wrestling all year with own team , so I was not worried a bit about that . But EJ had never wrestled a match in his life . . . I was sure he would say no . When he quietly went and changed into the uniform , I knew down deep that my boy must be ready . He would never jump in until he knew absolutely that he was ready . And he was . In his first wrestling match of his life . . . a school varsity match no less . . . EJ went out and pinned his opponent in the first period . I wish I had a camera to capture the moment , but I am pretty sure there is no camera lens wide enough to have captured his smile coming off that mat . It seems we have a new wrestler in the family . Finally got it uploaded . . . Kaleigh and a friend doing their version of " Picture " . Sorry for the dizzying camerawork . And Kaleigh doing a cover of " Bleeding Love " . . . might want to look away and listen , this video is REALLY dizzying ! . . . to have a 17 year old daughter . But there you have it , Kaleigh is 17 today . She had a great night , as it was " Pops Night " at her school . Kind of a highschool acoustic coffee house . It was awesome . Kaleigh played a song on her own , and then did a couple of other songs with friends , including an awesome cover of " Picture " by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock . I will try to get a video up later , but the videographer skills of 10yo E . J . made me a little dizzy . But seriously , a very cool night . I was amazed at the talent at our tiny little high school . And the guts ! I could never have gotten up like that at that age . Or now . Or ever . Yesterday , I was picking Emma up from a birthday party . As we were leaving , I reminded her to say ' thank you ' to the girl 's parents . The dad smiled and said , " Oh , and thank you for being so , um , so . . . excitable ! " " Excitable , " I said ? The mom must have seen the look of horror on my face , and she quickly said , " Oh , no , she 's just . . . well , she 's not shy at all is she ? " I smiled weakly , and led Emma out the door . On the way to the car , I asked Emma what she had done at the party . Skipping ahead of me , pigtails bouncing , she yelled over her shoulder " I had FUN ! ! ! " Well , there you have it . I can only hope she wasn 't doing cartwheels through their living room like her brother would have . About a week ago , I made the mistake of telling someone how this is the healthiest winter I have had in ages . Of course the next morning I woke up with a nasty head cold which I have been fighting for a week . You would think I had learned my lesson , but no . The other night I was bragging to some friends that we hadn 't visited our pediatrician all winter . Of course , Margaret came home from school yesterday and fell sound asleep immediately , which told me something was up . I took her temp when she woke up and she was at 103 . I am not saying another word about any of us and our health . Ever . I didn 't think there was anything as cool as Pipo 's dreadlocks when he played soccer , but I must say , they are pretty cool when he is wrestling too ! A fellow blogger recently asked me to do a post on hair , so I will do my best here . I have posted about hair in the past , but never in depth . I have been incredibly fortunate in that the summer camp we work at has several people who I have been able to go to for hair advice . I was SO happy this summer when one of our good friends from Jamaica told Pipo his hair looked great and that that was how he started his dreads when he was a boy . When Pipo first started growing his hair out , I wasn 't sure what to do with it . One of my camp friends sat with me one afternoon and talked me through these ' comb coils ' . These are done by taking small chunks of hair , greasing them up good , and twisting them up with the end of a fine toothed comb . While it looked cute , I didn 't love the style on Pipo . His face is just too pretty , and I felt it made him look a little girlish . Eventually I started to do two strand twists on him as his hair got longer . This was a little easier for me . . . taking two bits of hair and twisting them around eachother , so that the final product looks almost like a bit of fat yarn ( or at least mine did ! ) But again , it looked a little too feminine on him . I saw a photo online of a boy with all but the top of his head shaved . I asked Pipo if he wanted to try it . The big bonus was that it took much less time to do his hair with only the top of it to twist . I loved the look on him , and we went with this . As his hair got longer though , it got pretty time consuming to do a retwist . He would wash his hair , and I would have to pick it all out with a comb , and then redo all the twists . He didn 't seem like he was going to want to cut his hair anytime soon , so I suggested going to dreadlocks . I told him it would be for good ( until he wanted to cut his hair ) but he liked the idea . So now his hair has been " locked " for well over a year . It 's getting pretty long , but I must say , iPosted by |
My most cherished memories are of the times that we sat around the campfire as an extended family and the grandchildren would invariably ask me to tell some of my famous stories . It didn 't matter that they and their parents had heard them many times before ; they still seemed to enjoy them . So these stories are dedicated to my family with the hope that your children and grandchildren will continue to have a laugh on me . I attest that these stories are true to the best of my recollection . I really was a lifeguard at the beach during my high school years . And I really was an Air Force pilot for a short time , but not for as long as I had wanted because I made mistakes . I was never a huge " success " by worldly standards . I had many and varied forms of employment . I was a salesman who sold medical supplies , contact lenses , barns and computers . I volunteered to teach at a Christian school for one year and was blessed to have Amy and Beth in my class . I didn 't make any money , but some of my sweetest memories are from that year and my class of all girls . God must have created me to shepherd girls because He gave me four of the finest that have ever lived . And He gave me the most wonderful wife that I didn 't deserve who even supported me from time to time . Thank you , Lord . And thank you , Sherry . I planted and served as pastor for a great church for five years . It died young because I wasn 't wise about building a big organization , but I was obedient to God and He was done with it . It served its purpose . And so my greatest achievement has been trusting in Jesus and His greatest blessing has been my family . I was a young man in high school and I was working my summer vacation as a lifeguard at a local public beach in West Islip , where I grew up . It was a small beach and only had a small staff of a few lifeguards to do all of the work , including security and safety . We had a single lifeguard stand which was roped off to keep the " public " out . A shift included one guard on the stand and another on the blanket inside the guard area . We also had a supervisor who usually hung out in the guard office which was inside the beach house . The beach house also had restrooms , locker rooms and a concession stand . Outside the cinder block beach house there were outdoor showers in full view of the beach and lifeguard stand . The showers had a concrete floor and only dispensed cold water . Besides being responsible for saving swimmers from drowning , the lifeguards were responsible for safety and security for the entire beach area . There was one young boy , probably about junior high age , who came to the beach almost every day . I never noticed that he came with his mother because he never hung around her . This young man had a nose for trouble and seemed to enjoy terrorizing some of the young girls . On this particular day , I had to warn him several times about his behavior . He was dunking girls and holding them under water . He was running around the beach chasing girls , knocking over toddlers and kicking sand on young mothers . After warning him several times , I heard a girl screaming behind me . I turned around on the stand to see this bad boy lifting a girl over his shoulders in the outdoor shower . I could imagine him dropping her on her head on the concrete floor . I blew my whistle to get his attention , but he either couldn 't hear me or he didn 't want to . I jumped off of the lifeguard stand while my backup climbed up to watch the swimmers . I had had enough of this boy 's antics for one day and told him that he had to leave the beach for the day . I did have the authority to evict unruly beach goers . The boy stopped and walked off to get his things . It was over , or so I thought . I returned to the guard area . If you didn 't grow up in my home town you wouldn 't understand that Italian immigrants made up about half of the population . Many of the parents were first generation immigrants and they had a distinct accent , customs and even dress . Simply by their appearance one could say that they looked like they had just come off the boat from Italy . Soon after I returned to the guard area this boy 's mother , who I had not noticed before , came waddling over . I say " waddling " because she walked like a duck since she must have weighed well over 400 pounds . She was dressed in a bathing suit with a skirt that was much too small for her huge body . She walked up to me and in a thick New York City Italian accent said , " Why 's he gotta leave da beach ? " I took several minutes to explain in detail all of his disruptive and dangerous behavior , which she must have seen for herself . After I finished explaining , she raised her hand and with a pointed finger asked again , " Yeah , but why does he gotta leave da beach ? " I explained again that since he refused to heed my previous warnings , he was restricted for one day . Finally , my supervisor came over and got her to calm down and leave . Or so I thought . It was probably less than an hour before she returned . This time she was not alone . With her came a man who was presumably her husband . He probably weighed less than one hundred pounds and was not dressed for the beach . He looked like one of Al Capone 's goons that just got off of the boat . He wore baggy dress pants that flapped in the wind . His feet were covered with dress wing tip shoes and dark socks . He was wearing a tank tee shirt , which is what we non - Italians referred to as a " Ginny tee " because of their popularity among Italians . He was wearing a Fedora hat and smoking a cigar which he threw on the ground as he approached the guard area . He marched ahead of his wife and as he lifted his palm in front of his face , as if preparing to render a back hand slap , he asked her , " Which one was it , which one ? " With his huge wife , waddling behind him , she pointed at me as I was lying on the blanket in the guard area and proclaimed , " Dat one ! " Before I could get up , the man approached the roped off area and leaning over the rope with his backhand ready in front of his face he demanded , " Coyes ( curse ) at me ! Gah ahead , you coysed at my wife , now coyse at me ! I 'll break ya face ! " I was shocked because I had never cursed at the woman . By now , my friend on the stand was laughing so hard that he fell off of the stand . I arose and assured the man that I had not cursed at his wife and that as beach employees we were not permitted to curse at people . But then , being somewhat indignant , I added , " If you want to come back at 4 : 30 when the beach closes I can meet you outside the gate and I 'll curse at you all you want . " This only made the man more furious . Grabbing at the ropes he yelled , " Get outside dem ropes and fight like a man ! I 'll break ya face ! " My supervisor was alerted by the commotion and rushed to intervene . After prolonged discussion he managed to get the man to calm down . He left with his wife continuing to yell threats at me as he left . I left work at 4 : 30 and half expected to meet him , along with a few button men , by the gate , but I never saw him again . But I never forgot his invitation , " Coyse at me ! " When I was in high school I was pretty good at getting my friends to laugh . Occasionally , my timing was inappropriate and a little disruptive in class . Most of the teachers let me off with a warning which I was smart enough to take seriously . I had to be careful because my mom was the school nurse , so I didn 't get away with much . One day I was in a large " study hall " class of about 50 students . It was in a large double class room . The teacher was the football coach , Mr . Skiptunas . He was a very tall and muscular man . Students were required to be quiet and study or do homework during this " study hall " period . Mr . Skiptunas would sit at his desk in the front and read the newspaper . I sat in the back row , as far from coach as I could get . I remember that it was a beautiful spring day and the windows were open . There were no screens on the windows . I had developed a perfect bird chirp whistle which I could make through my teeth with my mouth barely open . Some of my friends sitting nearby knew my bird noise . I started with a few short chirps . Other kids began looking around the room for the bird . Coach Skiptunas looked up from his newspaper and I stopped with my head bowed and staring into my open textbook . I waited a few minutes and chirped again . This time my friends started to choke back laughter . Coach looked up and I stopped again , but my friends were still choking back their laughs . Coach stared around the room even longer . We all quieted down again . I waited a few minutes before I started chirping again . But , this time , before I could finish coach swung out a perfect quarterback bullet pass with a piece of chalk . The perfect pass hit me square in the middle of my forehead and knocked me back in my seat . Coach stood up and pointed at me and said loudly , " Got ya birdie ! " The entire class cracked up . I just bowed my head in pain . When I was in college at St . Lawrence University in Canton , NY , I worked at the most popular pizza joint in the little college town . There were two colleges in Canton , St . Lawrence and Canton State where Gramma graduated . Like any college town , good pizza places are very busy any night of the week . I worked at Tony Zsa Zsa 's . It was so busy at night that there was no way with two pizza ovens that we could make all of the pizzas to order from scratch . So we would make up the pie crusts without the sauce and toppings earlier in the day , cook them for ten minutes , just long enough to make them stiff , and then freeze them until the evening rush . Once folks ordered their pizza , we would put the toppings and sauce on and then we only had to cook them for about ten more minutes . It was a successful strategy . We kept up with the rush and the people got a fresh cooked pizza in about ten minutes . My job involved going in to the restaurant earlier in the day and preparing the pie crusts . Now at that time , New York State had a special program where small businesses could hire handicapped teens and pay them less than minimum wage for part time work . Tony hired two " special needs " high school boys who only went to school for half the day in the morning . One of the boys was named Billy . Billy had a very short temper and had a tendency to be aggressive , especially toward the other boy named Goober . Billy would get upset about some of the stupid things that Goober would say and Goober said a bunch of stupid things . Billy would often threaten Goober . Besides having a tendency to utter some foolish things , Goober had a cleft lip and had a speech impediment . I would mix the dough in a giant mixing bowl . After the dough was mixed , usually about ten pounds worth , we would lay it out on a giant wood cutting board table . I would use a butcher knife to cut off a pie crust weight of dough and push it over to my helpers to knead with their finger tips to a size about a foot in diameter . I would spin the crusts up in the air like a true pizza maker to get them to full baking size . We would chat as we did our work and I spent a considerable amount of time trying to keep my helpers from fighting with each other . One day as Billy and Goober were kneading the dough piles with their finger tips , Billy and I noticed that Goober was picking his nose and poking the boogers on his finger into the dough with the same finger . Billy went ballistic ! He grabbed the butcher knife off of the table and began chasing Goober around the room threatening to kill him . I had to think fast or Goober was going to be dead . I immediately remembered a refocusing exercise from my Psychology class . I screamed to Billy that we didn 't need to kill Goober because he was already dead . Billy stopped in his tracks and looked at me puzzled . I said , " Goober already died in a car accident . " Billy said , " But , I see him . " I replied , " That 's just his ghost and you can 't kill a ghost . " It worked ! We went back to our work . When Goober would say something , Billy would stop and say , " I hear Goober . " I would remind him that it was just a ghost and he should ignore it . By the end of our shift , Goober was pretty frustrated because we wouldn 't answer him and pretended not to see him . I think Billy enjoyed the game . I felt sorry for Goober as we left and he kept trying to get our attention , saying , " I 'm heya , I 'm heya " with his nasal sounding cleft lip speech impediment . But at least he was alive . One Christmas when Jodi and Suzanne were still toddlers and before Amy and Beth were born we visited my brother Bob in East Hampton , Long Island . At that time , East Hampton was still a rural area with farms . I remember that we had just finished a big meal when my brother and I decided to go outside for some fresh air . Across the road from his house there was a farm pasture with a very large bull in it . We crossed the road and stood by the fence admiring the size of this big animal as he chewed on the hay strewn about the pasture . The bull was only about fifteen yards away from us . Since it was cold out , we could see his breath . It looked like smoke coming out of his mouth . Suddenly , we both noticed that the bull had a long string of snot dangling down from his nose . This big glob of thick snot must have hung down at least a foot below his nose . Both of us agreed that the giant , dirt strew bull spittle was very disgusting . Bob turned to me and said , " Wouldn 't it be gross if the bull sneezed and the snot hit you ? " No sooner had Bob said that and the bull lifted his head and looked at us . The bull shook his head back and forth with a loud grunt , his giant jowls flapping together . As he shook his head , the bull spittle flew out of his nose as if he was sneezing . I often hear from people who have experienced a traumatic accident that time seems to temporarily slow down as if what is happening is in slow motion . This event with the flying bull snot seemed to be happening in slow motion . I remember seeing the snot coming toward me , twirling end over end through the air . I remember trying to dodge the snot , but suddenly the giant spittle slapped me right in the face . I let out a scream of disgust . I wiped the snot off of my mouth with my sleeve as I ran to the house . Everyone else got a good laugh over my accident , especially my brother . I graduated from USAF Pilot Training , earning my wings , in December 1972 . At the time , the U . S . was still involved in the Vietnam War . There were almost 600 Air Force prisoners in the Hanoi Hilton who had been shot down over North Vietnam and captured . So , the Air Force sent all combat pilots to POW training at McCord AFB in Spokane , Washington state . I went for training there in January , 1973 , in the middle of winter . We spent two weeks in the classroom learning all about subjects like prisoner rights under the Geneva Convention , psychological warfare , and resistance techniques . Our classes ended on a Friday and our instructors told us that we would begin live training in a mock prisoner of war camp on Monday morning . Training would begin with a one and one - half mile obstacle course to simulate combat conditions . We would have to crawl on our bellies through ditches and barbed wire with blank ammunition being fired over our heads . At the end of the obstacle course we would be captured , starting out our prisoner training in an exhausted condition . On Friday night , the guys in our training group went out to a bar . Most of us probably drank too much , expecting to be able to sleep in on Saturday . I recall that it had already started raining on my way home and it was cold . At approximately 3 am on Saturday , our group was rudely awakened by our training instructors informing us that the training exercise would commence immediately . I 'm sure the surprise start time was part of the plan . It 's realistic that a soldier becomes a POW by surprise . It 's not the sort of thing that someone makes an appointment for . So we packed up what little gear we were allowed and they trucked us out to the starting point of our obstacle course in the pouring , freezing rain . The course was ankle deep in mud . We crawled through the soaking wet ditches under the barbed wire in the pitch dark . Every few minutes there would be a flash of light as automatic weapons fired blanks over our heads . Even blank shells can seriously injure someone , so we were sure to stay on our bellies and crawl . We didn 't dare stand up and run . They issued us a stick to use as a fake rifle . We could use our stick to lift up the rolls of barbed wire and crawl underneath them . After what seemed like a couple of hours , I reached the end of the obstacle course . It was a long course and I was tired , soaking wet , covered in mud and cold . I was almost glad to be " captured " . When I arrived there was already a line of prisoners waiting to be " processed " . I was ordered by the guards to put my " weapon " in a trash barrel . I was thrown a cloth hood and told to put it over my head and to line up with my arm on the shoulder of the prisoner in front of me . There were no holes in the hood . I could only see out of the bottom around my neck . At first , with some spunk still remaining in my soul and remembering my resistance training , I just stood by the rifle barrel , poking my stick up and down . After a few minutes a guard grabbed me and threw me back in the line and re - instructed me to keep my hood on while hanging on to the prisoner in front of me . The guards all spoke Russian to each other . I could see a tent at the front of the line . There was yelling and screaming coming from the tent . It sounded like people were being beat . After a few minutes , I lifted my hood and started looking around . I was spotted by one of the guards who yelled in English , " Igor , show that little man that we mean business . " Suddenly , this huge man approached me . He must have been a foot taller than me , at least 6 ' 6 " tall and 300 pounds . He grabbed me with two hands by my coat collar . He lifted me off of my feet and began shaking me like a rag doll , with my arms and legs flailing around . He then threw me to the ground . I felt like every bone in my body was rattling around . After that , I got back in line , pulled my hood down and never uttered a peep . After we were processed into the POW camp they led us in a line , hoods on our heads and leg irons about our ankles , to our cells . We were put in individual cells , in solitary confinement . The cell only had a small window in the door that was covered with a flap on the outside so that it was pitch dark inside . There was a log to sit on , but we were instructed to remain standing at attention . As I was exhausted , after a few minutes I sat down on the log and dozed off . I awoke to a loud bang and sprang to my feet . Apparently , the guard had hit the door of one of the cells and began yelling at a prisoner that he was told to remain standing . It sounded like they pulled him out of his cell and they were beating him . He was screaming in pain . Much later , after the training was over , I learned that much of this was staged for our " benefit " . Later , while still in solitary , they brought me a bowl of fish heads and rice for food . It was disgusting . I didn 't eat it . Now , I was cold , tired , wet , dirty and hungry . I have no idea how long I was in there . After some time the guards came back and marched us all off to what sounded like a large open hall . On the way there , as we marched outside , I could see through the bottom of my hood that the rain had changed to snow . Once we were in the hall , they made us stand at attention again . We still had our hoods on . We stood there for what seemed like an hour listening to the same country music tune over and over again . Eventually , the guards would take us , one at a turn , for interrogation with the commandant . The commandant looked Japanese and spoke flawless English . He asked me if I was ok and if I was being fed . He said he could help me if I was cooperative . He said he understood me and that he had graduated from an American college . He asked me where I went to college . He even offered me a cigarette , which I refused since I didn 't smoke . I could sense that I was being drawn into a trap . In our training on resisting interrogation techniques we had learned about the " good cop , bad cop " routine where one interrogator would be kind and the other would be brutal . He asked where my squadron was stationed . As I had been taught , under the Geneva Convention , I was only required to divulge my name , rank and serial number , which is what I did . With my response , the Commandant said , " Well , I guess I 'm going to have to get Igor . " Igor burst into the room , picked me up and threw me against the wall . He was standing over me getting ready to kick me when the Commandant yelled at him in Russian and he stopped . Igor left the room and the Commandant helped me up . He apologized for the rough treatment and allowed me to take a seat again . He handed me a flat board about 6 " wide and 2 ' long and asked me to hold it up and read the writing on it . It was some stupid nursery rhyme . He then took the board , turned it over and on the other side it said that , " Richard Nixon is a war criminal " . He then pointed to a small hole in the wall behind him and pointing at me . He said , " We have a camera in there . " He then turned on a small television and played a video recording of me with my lips moving but no sound holding up the sign that said , " Richard Nixon is a war criminal " . ( Nixon was the President at that time ) After our interrogations , we were marched back to our solitary cells , being tired , hungry , cold , sore and discouraged . The next day they marched us out to the hall for interrogations again . Only this time , after an hour of standing at attention listening to the same song , they ordered us to get on our knees . We still had our hoods on , so we couldn 't see what was in front of us . They told us to get down on all fours and crawl forward . I could feel myself squeezing through a small unseen door . About the time that my head hit a wall , they gave me a boot in the rear and slammed a door on me . We were stuck in tiny animal cages curled up in a ball . It was no big deal at first , but after about 15 minutes we all started cramping up and guys began groaning and whimpering . One prisoner , known for being brash , yelled out , " I love it ! I love it ! I think I found a home . " The guards immediately pulled him out and began beating him . There was a lot of screaming and yelling . To this day , I don 't know if it was staged . The entire training was intended to break you down mentally . After a few days all of the prisoners , including myself , were transferred into a group shelter . We were supposed to develop a prisoner command system , which was based on rank . And then we were supposed to come up with a plan to escape the compound and carry it out . The guards gave us chores to do around the compound . Some prisoners snagged some shovels and shears . The escape plan was to cut and lift the chain link fence after dark to sneak out . Before the escape was attempted , earlier in the afternoon , I was called into the commandant 's office . I was ordered to shine his shoes . So I knelt down and started to brush his shoes . I was taught in basic training how to spit shine shoes to make them sparkle . I little spit mixed on the shoe with polish makes it shine brighter . So , I thought it was a good opportunity to show some disrespect and spit on the commandant 's shoes . I sucked up a big wad of snot and let it fly onto the commandant 's shoe . He jumped up and screamed , " What are you doing ? You idiot ! Guard , take this dog outside and throw him in the hole . " I spent the remainder of the afternoon in a small box buried in the ground . The bottom of the box had a floor of solid ice and the top had a lid so that it was pitch dark . After awhile my feet began to freeze . Every so often I would push the lid of the box up to see if there were any guards around and every time they were there . I was stuck in the box until late in the evening . I heard some commotion outside and was sure that my fellow prisoners were attempting their escape . I crawled out of the box and ran for the escape point . By the time I got there , it was too late . The guards had already headed off our escape . Somehow , they must have found out . They were herding the prisoners at gunpoint back into the shelter . We were ordered to remain in shelter until reveille ( the sound of the morning wake up ) . When reveille sounded , we woke up to a bright sunny day . The guards ordered the entire group of POWs to line up in formation outside . The commandant came out and spoke . He reminded us that our escape attempt had failed . He began yelling at us that we were the worst class to ever come through the training program . He told us that we were going to have to repeat the entire course , beginning with the obstacle course . I saw grown men begin to cry . Then they raised the American flag and began playing the Star Spangled Banner . When it was over , the commander said , " Congratulations soldiers , you passed . Dismissed . " After completing POW training , I went right in to winter survival training . We had a week of classes at the same base where we were taught how to survive in the wilderness in winter . I suppose they were preparing us for a Russian invasion . We learned how to make shelter , catch food , cook food and stay warm . It was similar to preparing for a Bear Grills adventure . They also taught us navigation techniques for evading capture . After a week of classroom training they shipped us out to a snow covered mountain wilderness area on the far northeastern border of the state of Washington , on the border of Canada . You can find it on a map if you look for the Pend Oreille Indian Reservation or Colville National Forest . In January , the forest and mountains were covered with several feet of snow . We were issued a 50 pound pack with food , clothing and survival equipment . The first night , I was sent out by myself to simulate a situation where I had bailed out of my plane . I was given a map of the area showing my first rescue point . It was probably a 5 mile hike in waist deep snow over mountainous terrain carrying my 50 pound pack . I had learned how to navigate using a compass and fixing on targets . But , I couldn 't make a straight path because of the terrain and because I was supposed to avoid being seen and captured . The " enemy " was using helicopters to find people and if we were captured , we would be picked up and sent back to the starting point . After hiking all day , some guys would get tired and try to take a short cut through a meadow . They would get about half way across the meadow , in the middle where they could be easily spotted and you would hear the sound of the chopper coming over the ridge . They would try to run for it in the snow , but they always got caught . I took the long route and stayed under the cover of the trees . There was no way that I could make it to my extraction point in one day , so I had to make camp over night . We had been taught how to make a lean to with bows and how to start a fire . So , I made myself a shelter and made a small fire . It was big enough to keep me warm for a while and to dry out my clothes , but it wouldn 't last the night . Thank God we were issued sub zero sleeping bags . I curled up snug as a bug in my bag . Now , the instructors had told us all sorts of stories about the famous Sasquatch , a giant ape - like man , rumored to live in the forests of Washington . I never believed that such a monster existed , but there are numerous people in that area who claim to have seen one . Well , as it got dark and I was preparing to doze off in my sleeping bag , I suddenly felt the ground shaking and I could hear something pounding . I heard what sounded like heavy , labored breathing . I covered my head with my sleeping bag and prayed . I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion and fear . The following morning , I was able to make it to my extraction point where I was met by my other class mates . It turns out , that we all had similar stories about hearing the Sasquatch , but no one saw him . I think our instructors had played another prank on us . I was glad to see my friends . A friend of mine from pilot training , John Stewart , was in the group . We all called him Stew . That afternoon we were sent out again , only this time in pairs , with new directions to a different extraction point . It was another long hike through waist deep snow and we arrived at our destination late in the evening , tired , wet and cold . But , this night we were put up in luxury tents . Not really . They were 8 man tents made with nylon parachute material . There were 4 hay - filled mattresses on each side of the tent separated by a lane down the middle . There were 2 cut telephone poles down the middle to form an aisle between the mattresses . At the end of the tent and the aisle was a small pot belly wood stove to keep the tent warm . The fires were already stoked with plenty of wood when we got there which would keep the fire going all night . I was in the same tent as Stew , who snagged the mattress closest to the fire on one side . Across the aisle from Stew was a black sergeant whose name I don 't recall . I hadn 't met him before . I ended up with the mattress closest to the door of the tent and furthest from the stove . We were all soaking wet , so we were glad to strip down and hang up our wet clothes in the warm tent . We climbed in our sleeping bags atop the straw mattresses . Before we fell asleep , one of the camp hosts came in to let us know that we had to put the fire out unless we took turns guarding the fire . We decided to keep the fire going , but no one wanted to stay awake . Stew assured us all that the wood stove was not a fire risk and we all fell asleep . In the middle of the night I woke up as all of the men in the tent were coughing . There was thick smoke in the tent . I looked up and all that I could see was the whites of the black sergeant 's eyes . He suddenly yelled out , " Stew , you on fire ! Man , you on fire ! " The pole next to Stew near the fire was smoldering and smoking and was starting to ignite the straw in Stew 's mattress . Stew began pounding away at his mattress . But , no one was getting up to get out of the tent . That was probably because we were all buck naked and it was freezing out . I knew I had to do something before we all died of smoke inhalation or before the whole tent caught fire . So , I crawled out of bed , grabbed the end of the pole by the door and began pulling it out of the tent . I managed to get it out and freezing cold , I dove back into the tent and my sleeping bag . The next morning I awoke with blisters on my feet from the frozen ground , but at least I saved my buddies . I was so glad that the training was over and that I wouldn 't have to do any more hiking with my blistered feet . They sent a chopper to fly us all back to base . And that 's how I survived winter survival training . |
My most cherished memories are of the times that we sat around the campfire as an extended family and the grandchildren would invariably ask me to tell some of my famous stories . It didn 't matter that they and their parents had heard them many times before ; they still seemed to enjoy them . So these stories are dedicated to my family with the hope that your children and grandchildren will continue to have a laugh on me . I attest that these stories are true to the best of my recollection . I really was a lifeguard at the beach during my high school years . And I really was an Air Force pilot for a short time , but not for as long as I had wanted because I made mistakes . I was never a huge " success " by worldly standards . I had many and varied forms of employment . I was a salesman who sold medical supplies , contact lenses , barns and computers . I volunteered to teach at a Christian school for one year and was blessed to have Amy and Beth in my class . I didn 't make any money , but some of my sweetest memories are from that year and my class of all girls . God must have created me to shepherd girls because He gave me four of the finest that have ever lived . And He gave me the most wonderful wife that I didn 't deserve who even supported me from time to time . Thank you , Lord . And thank you , Sherry . I planted and served as pastor for a great church for five years . It died young because I wasn 't wise about building a big organization , but I was obedient to God and He was done with it . It served its purpose . And so my greatest achievement has been trusting in Jesus and His greatest blessing has been my family . I was a young man in high school and I was working my summer vacation as a lifeguard at a local public beach in West Islip , where I grew up . It was a small beach and only had a small staff of a few lifeguards to do all of the work , including security and safety . We had a single lifeguard stand which was roped off to keep the " public " out . A shift included one guard on the stand and another on the blanket inside the guard area . We also had a supervisor who usually hung out in the guard office which was inside the beach house . The beach house also had restrooms , locker rooms and a concession stand . Outside the cinder block beach house there were outdoor showers in full view of the beach and lifeguard stand . The showers had a concrete floor and only dispensed cold water . Besides being responsible for saving swimmers from drowning , the lifeguards were responsible for safety and security for the entire beach area . There was one young boy , probably about junior high age , who came to the beach almost every day . I never noticed that he came with his mother because he never hung around her . This young man had a nose for trouble and seemed to enjoy terrorizing some of the young girls . On this particular day , I had to warn him several times about his behavior . He was dunking girls and holding them under water . He was running around the beach chasing girls , knocking over toddlers and kicking sand on young mothers . After warning him several times , I heard a girl screaming behind me . I turned around on the stand to see this bad boy lifting a girl over his shoulders in the outdoor shower . I could imagine him dropping her on her head on the concrete floor . I blew my whistle to get his attention , but he either couldn 't hear me or he didn 't want to . I jumped off of the lifeguard stand while my backup climbed up to watch the swimmers . I had had enough of this boy 's antics for one day and told him that he had to leave the beach for the day . I did have the authority to evict unruly beach goers . The boy stopped and walked off to get his things . It was over , or so I thought . I returned to the guard area . If you didn 't grow up in my home town you wouldn 't understand that Italian immigrants made up about half of the population . Many of the parents were first generation immigrants and they had a distinct accent , customs and even dress . Simply by their appearance one could say that they looked like they had just come off the boat from Italy . Soon after I returned to the guard area this boy 's mother , who I had not noticed before , came waddling over . I say " waddling " because she walked like a duck since she must have weighed well over 400 pounds . She was dressed in a bathing suit with a skirt that was much too small for her huge body . She walked up to me and in a thick New York City Italian accent said , " Why 's he gotta leave da beach ? " I took several minutes to explain in detail all of his disruptive and dangerous behavior , which she must have seen for herself . After I finished explaining , she raised her hand and with a pointed finger asked again , " Yeah , but why does he gotta leave da beach ? " I explained again that since he refused to heed my previous warnings , he was restricted for one day . Finally , my supervisor came over and got her to calm down and leave . Or so I thought . It was probably less than an hour before she returned . This time she was not alone . With her came a man who was presumably her husband . He probably weighed less than one hundred pounds and was not dressed for the beach . He looked like one of Al Capone 's goons that just got off of the boat . He wore baggy dress pants that flapped in the wind . His feet were covered with dress wing tip shoes and dark socks . He was wearing a tank tee shirt , which is what we non - Italians referred to as a " Ginny tee " because of their popularity among Italians . He was wearing a Fedora hat and smoking a cigar which he threw on the ground as he approached the guard area . He marched ahead of his wife and as he lifted his palm in front of his face , as if preparing to render a back hand slap , he asked her , " Which one was it , which one ? " With his huge wife , waddling behind him , she pointed at me as I was lying on the blanket in the guard area and proclaimed , " Dat one ! " Before I could get up , the man approached the roped off area and leaning over the rope with his backhand ready in front of his face he demanded , " Coyes ( curse ) at me ! Gah ahead , you coysed at my wife , now coyse at me ! I 'll break ya face ! " I was shocked because I had never cursed at the woman . By now , my friend on the stand was laughing so hard that he fell off of the stand . I arose and assured the man that I had not cursed at his wife and that as beach employees we were not permitted to curse at people . But then , being somewhat indignant , I added , " If you want to come back at 4 : 30 when the beach closes I can meet you outside the gate and I 'll curse at you all you want . " This only made the man more furious . Grabbing at the ropes he yelled , " Get outside dem ropes and fight like a man ! I 'll break ya face ! " My supervisor was alerted by the commotion and rushed to intervene . After prolonged discussion he managed to get the man to calm down . He left with his wife continuing to yell threats at me as he left . I left work at 4 : 30 and half expected to meet him , along with a few button men , by the gate , but I never saw him again . But I never forgot his invitation , " Coyse at me ! " When I was in high school I was pretty good at getting my friends to laugh . Occasionally , my timing was inappropriate and a little disruptive in class . Most of the teachers let me off with a warning which I was smart enough to take seriously . I had to be careful because my mom was the school nurse , so I didn 't get away with much . One day I was in a large " study hall " class of about 50 students . It was in a large double class room . The teacher was the football coach , Mr . Skiptunas . He was a very tall and muscular man . Students were required to be quiet and study or do homework during this " study hall " period . Mr . Skiptunas would sit at his desk in the front and read the newspaper . I sat in the back row , as far from coach as I could get . I remember that it was a beautiful spring day and the windows were open . There were no screens on the windows . I had developed a perfect bird chirp whistle which I could make through my teeth with my mouth barely open . Some of my friends sitting nearby knew my bird noise . I started with a few short chirps . Other kids began looking around the room for the bird . Coach Skiptunas looked up from his newspaper and I stopped with my head bowed and staring into my open textbook . I waited a few minutes and chirped again . This time my friends started to choke back laughter . Coach looked up and I stopped again , but my friends were still choking back their laughs . Coach stared around the room even longer . We all quieted down again . I waited a few minutes before I started chirping again . But , this time , before I could finish coach swung out a perfect quarterback bullet pass with a piece of chalk . The perfect pass hit me square in the middle of my forehead and knocked me back in my seat . Coach stood up and pointed at me and said loudly , " Got ya birdie ! " The entire class cracked up . I just bowed my head in pain . When I was in college at St . Lawrence University in Canton , NY , I worked at the most popular pizza joint in the little college town . There were two colleges in Canton , St . Lawrence and Canton State where Gramma graduated . Like any college town , good pizza places are very busy any night of the week . I worked at Tony Zsa Zsa 's . It was so busy at night that there was no way with two pizza ovens that we could make all of the pizzas to order from scratch . So we would make up the pie crusts without the sauce and toppings earlier in the day , cook them for ten minutes , just long enough to make them stiff , and then freeze them until the evening rush . Once folks ordered their pizza , we would put the toppings and sauce on and then we only had to cook them for about ten more minutes . It was a successful strategy . We kept up with the rush and the people got a fresh cooked pizza in about ten minutes . My job involved going in to the restaurant earlier in the day and preparing the pie crusts . Now at that time , New York State had a special program where small businesses could hire handicapped teens and pay them less than minimum wage for part time work . Tony hired two " special needs " high school boys who only went to school for half the day in the morning . One of the boys was named Billy . Billy had a very short temper and had a tendency to be aggressive , especially toward the other boy named Goober . Billy would get upset about some of the stupid things that Goober would say and Goober said a bunch of stupid things . Billy would often threaten Goober . Besides having a tendency to utter some foolish things , Goober had a cleft lip and had a speech impediment . I would mix the dough in a giant mixing bowl . After the dough was mixed , usually about ten pounds worth , we would lay it out on a giant wood cutting board table . I would use a butcher knife to cut off a pie crust weight of dough and push it over to my helpers to knead with their finger tips to a size about a foot in diameter . I would spin the crusts up in the air like a true pizza maker to get them to full baking size . We would chat as we did our work and I spent a considerable amount of time trying to keep my helpers from fighting with each other . One day as Billy and Goober were kneading the dough piles with their finger tips , Billy and I noticed that Goober was picking his nose and poking the boogers on his finger into the dough with the same finger . Billy went ballistic ! He grabbed the butcher knife off of the table and began chasing Goober around the room threatening to kill him . I had to think fast or Goober was going to be dead . I immediately remembered a refocusing exercise from my Psychology class . I screamed to Billy that we didn 't need to kill Goober because he was already dead . Billy stopped in his tracks and looked at me puzzled . I said , " Goober already died in a car accident . " Billy said , " But , I see him . " I replied , " That 's just his ghost and you can 't kill a ghost . " It worked ! We went back to our work . When Goober would say something , Billy would stop and say , " I hear Goober . " I would remind him that it was just a ghost and he should ignore it . By the end of our shift , Goober was pretty frustrated because we wouldn 't answer him and pretended not to see him . I think Billy enjoyed the game . I felt sorry for Goober as we left and he kept trying to get our attention , saying , " I 'm heya , I 'm heya " with his nasal sounding cleft lip speech impediment . But at least he was alive . One Christmas when Jodi and Suzanne were still toddlers and before Amy and Beth were born we visited my brother Bob in East Hampton , Long Island . At that time , East Hampton was still a rural area with farms . I remember that we had just finished a big meal when my brother and I decided to go outside for some fresh air . Across the road from his house there was a farm pasture with a very large bull in it . We crossed the road and stood by the fence admiring the size of this big animal as he chewed on the hay strewn about the pasture . The bull was only about fifteen yards away from us . Since it was cold out , we could see his breath . It looked like smoke coming out of his mouth . Suddenly , we both noticed that the bull had a long string of snot dangling down from his nose . This big glob of thick snot must have hung down at least a foot below his nose . Both of us agreed that the giant , dirt strew bull spittle was very disgusting . Bob turned to me and said , " Wouldn 't it be gross if the bull sneezed and the snot hit you ? " No sooner had Bob said that and the bull lifted his head and looked at us . The bull shook his head back and forth with a loud grunt , his giant jowls flapping together . As he shook his head , the bull spittle flew out of his nose as if he was sneezing . I often hear from people who have experienced a traumatic accident that time seems to temporarily slow down as if what is happening is in slow motion . This event with the flying bull snot seemed to be happening in slow motion . I remember seeing the snot coming toward me , twirling end over end through the air . I remember trying to dodge the snot , but suddenly the giant spittle slapped me right in the face . I let out a scream of disgust . I wiped the snot off of my mouth with my sleeve as I ran to the house . Everyone else got a good laugh over my accident , especially my brother . I graduated from USAF Pilot Training , earning my wings , in December 1972 . At the time , the U . S . was still involved in the Vietnam War . There were almost 600 Air Force prisoners in the Hanoi Hilton who had been shot down over North Vietnam and captured . So , the Air Force sent all combat pilots to POW training at McCord AFB in Spokane , Washington state . I went for training there in January , 1973 , in the middle of winter . We spent two weeks in the classroom learning all about subjects like prisoner rights under the Geneva Convention , psychological warfare , and resistance techniques . Our classes ended on a Friday and our instructors told us that we would begin live training in a mock prisoner of war camp on Monday morning . Training would begin with a one and one - half mile obstacle course to simulate combat conditions . We would have to crawl on our bellies through ditches and barbed wire with blank ammunition being fired over our heads . At the end of the obstacle course we would be captured , starting out our prisoner training in an exhausted condition . On Friday night , the guys in our training group went out to a bar . Most of us probably drank too much , expecting to be able to sleep in on Saturday . I recall that it had already started raining on my way home and it was cold . At approximately 3 am on Saturday , our group was rudely awakened by our training instructors informing us that the training exercise would commence immediately . I 'm sure the surprise start time was part of the plan . It 's realistic that a soldier becomes a POW by surprise . It 's not the sort of thing that someone makes an appointment for . So we packed up what little gear we were allowed and they trucked us out to the starting point of our obstacle course in the pouring , freezing rain . The course was ankle deep in mud . We crawled through the soaking wet ditches under the barbed wire in the pitch dark . Every few minutes there would be a flash of light as automatic weapons fired blanks over our heads . Even blank shells can seriously injure someone , so we were sure to stay on our bellies and crawl . We didn 't dare stand up and run . They issued us a stick to use as a fake rifle . We could use our stick to lift up the rolls of barbed wire and crawl underneath them . After what seemed like a couple of hours , I reached the end of the obstacle course . It was a long course and I was tired , soaking wet , covered in mud and cold . I was almost glad to be " captured " . When I arrived there was already a line of prisoners waiting to be " processed " . I was ordered by the guards to put my " weapon " in a trash barrel . I was thrown a cloth hood and told to put it over my head and to line up with my arm on the shoulder of the prisoner in front of me . There were no holes in the hood . I could only see out of the bottom around my neck . At first , with some spunk still remaining in my soul and remembering my resistance training , I just stood by the rifle barrel , poking my stick up and down . After a few minutes a guard grabbed me and threw me back in the line and re - instructed me to keep my hood on while hanging on to the prisoner in front of me . The guards all spoke Russian to each other . I could see a tent at the front of the line . There was yelling and screaming coming from the tent . It sounded like people were being beat . After a few minutes , I lifted my hood and started looking around . I was spotted by one of the guards who yelled in English , " Igor , show that little man that we mean business . " Suddenly , this huge man approached me . He must have been a foot taller than me , at least 6 ' 6 " tall and 300 pounds . He grabbed me with two hands by my coat collar . He lifted me off of my feet and began shaking me like a rag doll , with my arms and legs flailing around . He then threw me to the ground . I felt like every bone in my body was rattling around . After that , I got back in line , pulled my hood down and never uttered a peep . After we were processed into the POW camp they led us in a line , hoods on our heads and leg irons about our ankles , to our cells . We were put in individual cells , in solitary confinement . The cell only had a small window in the door that was covered with a flap on the outside so that it was pitch dark inside . There was a log to sit on , but we were instructed to remain standing at attention . As I was exhausted , after a few minutes I sat down on the log and dozed off . I awoke to a loud bang and sprang to my feet . Apparently , the guard had hit the door of one of the cells and began yelling at a prisoner that he was told to remain standing . It sounded like they pulled him out of his cell and they were beating him . He was screaming in pain . Much later , after the training was over , I learned that much of this was staged for our " benefit " . Later , while still in solitary , they brought me a bowl of fish heads and rice for food . It was disgusting . I didn 't eat it . Now , I was cold , tired , wet , dirty and hungry . I have no idea how long I was in there . After some time the guards came back and marched us all off to what sounded like a large open hall . On the way there , as we marched outside , I could see through the bottom of my hood that the rain had changed to snow . Once we were in the hall , they made us stand at attention again . We still had our hoods on . We stood there for what seemed like an hour listening to the same country music tune over and over again . Eventually , the guards would take us , one at a turn , for interrogation with the commandant . The commandant looked Japanese and spoke flawless English . He asked me if I was ok and if I was being fed . He said he could help me if I was cooperative . He said he understood me and that he had graduated from an American college . He asked me where I went to college . He even offered me a cigarette , which I refused since I didn 't smoke . I could sense that I was being drawn into a trap . In our training on resisting interrogation techniques we had learned about the " good cop , bad cop " routine where one interrogator would be kind and the other would be brutal . He asked where my squadron was stationed . As I had been taught , under the Geneva Convention , I was only required to divulge my name , rank and serial number , which is what I did . With my response , the Commandant said , " Well , I guess I 'm going to have to get Igor . " Igor burst into the room , picked me up and threw me against the wall . He was standing over me getting ready to kick me when the Commandant yelled at him in Russian and he stopped . Igor left the room and the Commandant helped me up . He apologized for the rough treatment and allowed me to take a seat again . He handed me a flat board about 6 " wide and 2 ' long and asked me to hold it up and read the writing on it . It was some stupid nursery rhyme . He then took the board , turned it over and on the other side it said that , " Richard Nixon is a war criminal " . He then pointed to a small hole in the wall behind him and pointing at me . He said , " We have a camera in there . " He then turned on a small television and played a video recording of me with my lips moving but no sound holding up the sign that said , " Richard Nixon is a war criminal " . ( Nixon was the President at that time ) After our interrogations , we were marched back to our solitary cells , being tired , hungry , cold , sore and discouraged . The next day they marched us out to the hall for interrogations again . Only this time , after an hour of standing at attention listening to the same song , they ordered us to get on our knees . We still had our hoods on , so we couldn 't see what was in front of us . They told us to get down on all fours and crawl forward . I could feel myself squeezing through a small unseen door . About the time that my head hit a wall , they gave me a boot in the rear and slammed a door on me . We were stuck in tiny animal cages curled up in a ball . It was no big deal at first , but after about 15 minutes we all started cramping up and guys began groaning and whimpering . One prisoner , known for being brash , yelled out , " I love it ! I love it ! I think I found a home . " The guards immediately pulled him out and began beating him . There was a lot of screaming and yelling . To this day , I don 't know if it was staged . The entire training was intended to break you down mentally . After a few days all of the prisoners , including myself , were transferred into a group shelter . We were supposed to develop a prisoner command system , which was based on rank . And then we were supposed to come up with a plan to escape the compound and carry it out . The guards gave us chores to do around the compound . Some prisoners snagged some shovels and shears . The escape plan was to cut and lift the chain link fence after dark to sneak out . Before the escape was attempted , earlier in the afternoon , I was called into the commandant 's office . I was ordered to shine his shoes . So I knelt down and started to brush his shoes . I was taught in basic training how to spit shine shoes to make them sparkle . I little spit mixed on the shoe with polish makes it shine brighter . So , I thought it was a good opportunity to show some disrespect and spit on the commandant 's shoes . I sucked up a big wad of snot and let it fly onto the commandant 's shoe . He jumped up and screamed , " What are you doing ? You idiot ! Guard , take this dog outside and throw him in the hole . " I spent the remainder of the afternoon in a small box buried in the ground . The bottom of the box had a floor of solid ice and the top had a lid so that it was pitch dark . After awhile my feet began to freeze . Every so often I would push the lid of the box up to see if there were any guards around and every time they were there . I was stuck in the box until late in the evening . I heard some commotion outside and was sure that my fellow prisoners were attempting their escape . I crawled out of the box and ran for the escape point . By the time I got there , it was too late . The guards had already headed off our escape . Somehow , they must have found out . They were herding the prisoners at gunpoint back into the shelter . We were ordered to remain in shelter until reveille ( the sound of the morning wake up ) . When reveille sounded , we woke up to a bright sunny day . The guards ordered the entire group of POWs to line up in formation outside . The commandant came out and spoke . He reminded us that our escape attempt had failed . He began yelling at us that we were the worst class to ever come through the training program . He told us that we were going to have to repeat the entire course , beginning with the obstacle course . I saw grown men begin to cry . Then they raised the American flag and began playing the Star Spangled Banner . When it was over , the commander said , " Congratulations soldiers , you passed . Dismissed . " After completing POW training , I went right in to winter survival training . We had a week of classes at the same base where we were taught how to survive in the wilderness in winter . I suppose they were preparing us for a Russian invasion . We learned how to make shelter , catch food , cook food and stay warm . It was similar to preparing for a Bear Grills adventure . They also taught us navigation techniques for evading capture . After a week of classroom training they shipped us out to a snow covered mountain wilderness area on the far northeastern border of the state of Washington , on the border of Canada . You can find it on a map if you look for the Pend Oreille Indian Reservation or Colville National Forest . In January , the forest and mountains were covered with several feet of snow . We were issued a 50 pound pack with food , clothing and survival equipment . The first night , I was sent out by myself to simulate a situation where I had bailed out of my plane . I was given a map of the area showing my first rescue point . It was probably a 5 mile hike in waist deep snow over mountainous terrain carrying my 50 pound pack . I had learned how to navigate using a compass and fixing on targets . But , I couldn 't make a straight path because of the terrain and because I was supposed to avoid being seen and captured . The " enemy " was using helicopters to find people and if we were captured , we would be picked up and sent back to the starting point . After hiking all day , some guys would get tired and try to take a short cut through a meadow . They would get about half way across the meadow , in the middle where they could be easily spotted and you would hear the sound of the chopper coming over the ridge . They would try to run for it in the snow , but they always got caught . I took the long route and stayed under the cover of the trees . There was no way that I could make it to my extraction point in one day , so I had to make camp over night . We had been taught how to make a lean to with bows and how to start a fire . So , I made myself a shelter and made a small fire . It was big enough to keep me warm for a while and to dry out my clothes , but it wouldn 't last the night . Thank God we were issued sub zero sleeping bags . I curled up snug as a bug in my bag . Now , the instructors had told us all sorts of stories about the famous Sasquatch , a giant ape - like man , rumored to live in the forests of Washington . I never believed that such a monster existed , but there are numerous people in that area who claim to have seen one . Well , as it got dark and I was preparing to doze off in my sleeping bag , I suddenly felt the ground shaking and I could hear something pounding . I heard what sounded like heavy , labored breathing . I covered my head with my sleeping bag and prayed . I eventually fell asleep from exhaustion and fear . The following morning , I was able to make it to my extraction point where I was met by my other class mates . It turns out , that we all had similar stories about hearing the Sasquatch , but no one saw him . I think our instructors had played another prank on us . I was glad to see my friends . A friend of mine from pilot training , John Stewart , was in the group . We all called him Stew . That afternoon we were sent out again , only this time in pairs , with new directions to a different extraction point . It was another long hike through waist deep snow and we arrived at our destination late in the evening , tired , wet and cold . But , this night we were put up in luxury tents . Not really . They were 8 man tents made with nylon parachute material . There were 4 hay - filled mattresses on each side of the tent separated by a lane down the middle . There were 2 cut telephone poles down the middle to form an aisle between the mattresses . At the end of the tent and the aisle was a small pot belly wood stove to keep the tent warm . The fires were already stoked with plenty of wood when we got there which would keep the fire going all night . I was in the same tent as Stew , who snagged the mattress closest to the fire on one side . Across the aisle from Stew was a black sergeant whose name I don 't recall . I hadn 't met him before . I ended up with the mattress closest to the door of the tent and furthest from the stove . We were all soaking wet , so we were glad to strip down and hang up our wet clothes in the warm tent . We climbed in our sleeping bags atop the straw mattresses . Before we fell asleep , one of the camp hosts came in to let us know that we had to put the fire out unless we took turns guarding the fire . We decided to keep the fire going , but no one wanted to stay awake . Stew assured us all that the wood stove was not a fire risk and we all fell asleep . In the middle of the night I woke up as all of the men in the tent were coughing . There was thick smoke in the tent . I looked up and all that I could see was the whites of the black sergeant 's eyes . He suddenly yelled out , " Stew , you on fire ! Man , you on fire ! " The pole next to Stew near the fire was smoldering and smoking and was starting to ignite the straw in Stew 's mattress . Stew began pounding away at his mattress . But , no one was getting up to get out of the tent . That was probably because we were all buck naked and it was freezing out . I knew I had to do something before we all died of smoke inhalation or before the whole tent caught fire . So , I crawled out of bed , grabbed the end of the pole by the door and began pulling it out of the tent . I managed to get it out and freezing cold , I dove back into the tent and my sleeping bag . The next morning I awoke with blisters on my feet from the frozen ground , but at least I saved my buddies . I was so glad that the training was over and that I wouldn 't have to do any more hiking with my blistered feet . They sent a chopper to fly us all back to base . And that 's how I survived winter survival training . |
" The first thing we do , let 's kill all the lawyers , " is uttered by Dick the Butcher in Shakespeare 's Henry the Sixth . I don 't think I read that one , but the line is sure ringing in my head right now . I am sure there are some good lawyers out there . My dad is a lawyer , and he is one of my favorite people in the world , but truth be told , he should not have been a lawyer . He should have been an actor . He is handsome , with a deep resonant voice , and a french accent . He is debonair . And he 's funny . I bet he was great in court , but he should have been Perry Mason . If he had starred on LA Law , it would still be on . But I digress … Here 's a joke … How many lawyers does it take to write a check ? Answer : None . They only know how to cash them . Ba - dum - bum . I know , it 's not funny . True story , I went to court in August 2012 , because I was owed 5 months of child support . One year and a new judge later , an order was signed requiring ex - man to place into escrow 6 months of child support in case ( haha ) he did not send a check each month . Finally , in October 2013 , 14 months after I went to court , the escrow was placed in an account with ex - man 's ex - lawyer , who had been acting as the well - paid escrow agent for the horse trust fund . Shockingly , for two months in November and December 2013 , I actually received support checks directly from ex - man . This has not happened once in two and a half years . I should have made copies and framed them . Now , it is the end of January , with no child support received , so I requested a check from escrow agent . He won 't write it . He won 't write a child support check for a woman with three children because ex - man 's new lawyer and my lawyer have not been able to settle on how escrow man is going to be paid , and this man won 't work for free , so he has said , repeatedly , ad nauseam . Does anyone think he is really not going to get paid ? But he will not write that check . Admittedly , I was given the option to have him get paid out of my son 's summer program escrow fund , but I refused . No one is touching that money . I mean , really , you 're asking my son to pay escrow agent ? Quick , how long does it take you to write a check ? An hour ? Here 's $ 450 . First of all , I am generally not a miserable person . Really , I 'm not . I 'm quite cheerful , content , even happy much of the time . Earthworms in my garden , sunshine on my face , the dogs being silly , my kids being nice to each other , that 's really all it takes . Sure , sure , you 're saying , she 's weeping all over this blog . It 's in the name of the blog , for Lord 's sake ! And that is true , I do a lot of weeping here . And , aside from here , I have wept in some rather unorthodox places . There 's my car , for example , but who hasn 't wept in their car ? I used to cry in my car all the time . Sometimes I would be crying , driving along , and I would catch someone looking at me and I would think , " Please save me . Motion to me to pull over . Hold up a sign that says , Are you okay ? and I will shake my head No , and you can rescue me . " That never happened . I have wept in the produce aisle at the A & P , more than once . I have wept there with a friend and I have wept alone . One day , a produce man said to me , " Smile , you look so sad . " And I replied , " I am sad , " and I started to cry . The poor man followed me through the store , trying to comfort me , which made me cry more because I could not bear a stranger being kind to me . I have cried in the post office , embarrassing my son . I have cried while I 'm running . I have cried at the hair salon , the dentist , and the Lexus repair shop . All right , so sue me , I cry a lot . Actually , don 't sue me , I 'm already in court almost every month with ex - man . My point is that lately I am feeling rather miserable , and I do not like it one bit , but misery sure has a way of sucking me in . It 's seductive . Let me give you a few pointers if you 'd like to join me there . Think about death . Don 't worry . I don 't think about my own death , I worry about everyone else 's . I 'd say I 'm healthy as a horse , but if you 've ever had a horse , you know that would not be saying much . Let 's just say that I 'm very healthy and plan on living until 120 and I have the same expectation for my parents . Some may say that I 'm in denial , but we all know I have a lot of experience with that . Mostly , I worry about my pets dying . You see , I got my pets all within a rather short span of years , and now they range in age of about 6 - 11 years old . My dog , Frisco , has lymphoma . My vet calls it " indolent " form , so that 's like lazy lymphoma . That 's lymphoma that can 't be bothered to get up off the couch to kill you , but you never know when one day it might . His lymph node in his neck is getting bigger and I think something terrible is just around the corner . My other dog , Zoey , is lumpy . She has been lumpy for years and every once in a while , we take out a lump and test it , and so far they are all benign , but one day they might not be . So I think about them dying . My cat , Simba , is looking skinny . Skinny is bad . Skinny could mean something is wrong . When I am sad or stressed , I tend to get skinny . Maybe Simba is sad . Or maybe Simba is sick . Before you go jumping all over me about bringing these animals to the vet , did I tell you how much I spent at the vet in the past year ? I can 't tell you . It 's embarrassing , but it is approaching , hold on , I 'm counting , . . five figures , not including horse vets . Back to my death watch … My cat , Mimzy is obese . He supplements his diet beyond the Fancy Feast and Iams . I had to stop filling the bird feeder because I felt like an accomplice to a serial killer , but that has not stopped him . He 's so fat , I worry he will wind up diabetic . My vet says he 's not that bad , but Mimzy does have a heart murmer so I worry about the strain of carrying around all that weight . And please don 't get on me about Mimzy being a girlie name . " Mimzy " is what happens when you let your kids name your cat . He 's very masculine and can handle it just fine . Pets never live long enough . That fact makes me want to not love them , but I do . Sometimes I think loving anyone is a set - up . It is a set - up for sadness and loss . Of course , somewhere in between is joy , and warmth , and laughter , and comfort . I will remind myself of that when I am ready to stop being miserable . It 's time to clean out my basement . Not the basement in the house I live in now . My old basement in the house I left behind when my three children and I moved out two years ago . My old house where my old husband lives with his new girlfriend and the five Russians in the basement . She may not know about those Russians , and he may not remember them , but I do and they scare me still . Back in 2006 , on my oldest daughter 's 13th birthday , my husband was drunk . A birthday celebration with cake and presents ended with the children disappearing into their rooms , with him becoming belligerent and threatening . Ended with tears and angry words , and the word " divorce " tossed into the air like a live grenade . My birthday girl could be heard crying in her room and my husband stumbled upstairs to make promises he would never keep . The next morning , he declared that he would stop drinking . The weekend unrolled , with the children and I tiptoeing around my husband as he appeared restless and agitated . At that point , I had no idea the extent to which he had been drinking in the past months . I later learned how masterful he was at hiding it , and how truly easy I was to fool , especially within my nest of denial . Because I did not know how much he had been drinking all those months , I did not know that what I was seeing was delirium tremens , or DTs . As the weekend progressed , so did his symptoms . His hands were shaking and he was sweating . He seemed disoriented and was hostile to any advice or help I offered . He insisted that these were signs of cirrhosis and that he had a letter from the doctor telling him as much . In fact , no such letter existed , but warnings to him had apparently been given about his risk . Doctor - patient confidentiality had precluded me from knowing his true condition . I kept an eye on him , suggesting several times that he should call his doctor and he refused . He stayed home from work that Monday , and some of his symptoms seemed to lessen . That night he woke me in the middle of the night , shoving me , saying that he saw someone on top of me . I told him he was dreaming , and fell back into a light sleep . A little later , I woke up and heard him downstairs . I found him walking around the house with the fireplace poker in his hand , saying that he heard noises . I offered to sit with him and watch tv and eventually we went back to bed . Again , he insisted he heard someone in the house and he went downstairs , grabbed the poker and walked around the house . I waited for him in the family room , where , upon his return , he told me that there were five Russians in the basement and they were there to kidnap me . For nearly two hours , my husband made me sit in the family room , as he whispered to me of the Russians ' plans . Of course , I tried to tell him that the only person in the basement was our housekeeper , asleep in her room . I tried to tell him that we should call the police for help , but he would not let me . All the while that I tried to reason with him , ( an impossible task , as he was psychotic ) , I thought of my children sleeping in their beds upstairs . I thought of what would happen if his hallucinations led him upstairs , with that poker in his hand . I made contingency plans in my head for such a scenario and knew I might not be able to protect my children from his insanity . He would not let me leave the room , except for a moment , when he told me to grab his jacket from the office . He watched me , not giving me the opportunity to pick up the phone and call for help . Wild - eyed , he told me that if the lights flickered , we had to run out the back door . His panic grew , and he grabbed my arm and pulled me towards the sliding glass doors , his hand grasping the door handle , ready to run . He had on his shoes and a jacket , but I was only in my nightgown . I imagined us running through the backyard and into the woods . I imagined him pulling me behind him , brambles tearing at my nightgown and sticks and stones bloodying my feet . I imagined my children upstairs , waking to find me gone . I imagined my neighbors ' dog waking , barking at the noise outside and I imagined my neighbors ' confusion at finding us . I imagined being rescued , but only for a moment , because I realized that I would have to rescue us . I told my husband that I thought he was going to have a stroke and that I had to call 911 . He told me no . I told him he was going to have a heart attack and I had to call 911 . He told me no . I told him that if he died , the Russians would get me . Finally , he gave me permission to call , with strict instructions . No sirens , no lights , be quiet . The police had to call me when they arrived and ask permission to come to the door . They were told to come around the back , because if the Russians heard them , there would be trouble . The police never did look in the basement . My husband would not let them . He only agreed to go to the hospital if I rode in the ambulance with him . He was still afraid of the Russians . I don 't remember much after that . I don 't know if I wore my nightgown to the hospital . I don 't remember if I kissed my children good - bye . I remember all of us leaving through the back door , at my husband 's insistence . I remember wet grass . I know I rode in the ambulance and I remember lights and colors , voices and movement , but that 's all . I have a court date the day before Thanksgiving . The day before my whole family comes to my house to celebrate Thanksgiving and my father 's 90th birthday . This is typical . Not quite as ironic as my Valentine 's Day in divorce court , but still … Did I mention that I have to be deposed on Election Day ? This deposition will not get in the way of my voting , but it does get in the way of my plans to spend the day with my kids , who happen to have a day off from school on a day I am not working . My plan was to either visit colleges or simply spend some time with my kids , whom I miss terribly . You see , I 'm exhausted , and when I come home from a day of work , I am sometimes too tired to eat , and my kids are busy with homework , and the house has golden retriever tumbleweeds floating down the hallways , and there is no milk . And none of that is really what is exhausting me . I 'm exhausted because I know that ex - man will never stop trying to break me . I 've stopped trying to make sense of a man who destroyed his own life and now wants to take down the very people who tried to help him . I 've stopped trying to understand how a man can deliberately and methodically try to take everything away from his own children , and then turn around and buy them dinner . What I want to understand is how our court system can allow this to go on , and on , and on . I hate resentment and I am full of it . It eats away at me , does nothing to the object of my resentment ( ex - man and the legal system ) , and makes me less available to the people I love and who love me , and less available to myself . So what 's a girl to do ? How can I not feel angry when ex - man is now dragging me back to court because he wants to have his support obligations reduced ? This is the man who has not paid one on - time support check without court intervention , despite having millions of dollars of assets . This is the man whose support obligations for the children end when they each will still have two more years of college . Does anyone imagine that when my kids complete thMy blood pressure is rising right at this very moment . And I want to cry . I have no secrets . Truly . Except perhaps the true depth of my sorrow . Having to take the time to dig up , gather , and reproduce copies of every piece of paper related to my life since 2011 makes me want to weep . I would rather have the FBI come into my house and raid it , take my computer , turn my underwear drawer upside down and dump it on the floor , sweep everything off my desk and dining room table , shake out my cereal boxes and flour bin , and rifle through my file cabinet in search of evidence . Evidence of what ? Evidence that I need less ? They will not find it . I need more but I accept less . I accepted the binding arbitration decision . I accepted that it was unappealable . I accepted that my children 's father 's financial obligation to them would end before their childhood was over . I accepted that I would be the only parent that would love and care for our children , the only one there for the challenges and joys of raising them . What I cannot accept is that ex - man 's actions take me away from my children , make me less available , make me less of a person , and less of a parent when they still need me oh so very much . Posted by Weeping Oak Last week , my subconscious ran a preview for Shark Week . It came in the form of a dream , and let me tell you , my dreams are not that complicated to analyze . And just when I think , yeah , I 'm doing fine , I 've got this all figured out , my subconscious slams me in the head with a dream to tell me , " You 're messed up . " So I happened to know that there was going to be a shark feeding frenzy . Have you ever seen a shark feeding frenzy ? Terrifying . I saw a picture of one in the encyclopedia when I was 9 and apparently , I never got over it . So , anyhow , I also happened to know that my ex - husband was going to be going snorkling near the feeding frenzy . I know what you 're thinking . You 're thinking , " Great . Good riddance , " but I was thinking , " Snorkling ? He doesn 't even know how to swim ! " And then I was thinking , " I have to save him . " This , as you may know , was the theme of much of my marriage . I had to save him , and Lord knows I tried , but you know how that went … So I called him , and called him , and called him , to warn him not to go snorkling with the sharks , but he would not answer my calls , so finally I called his house phone and his girlfriend picked up . His 30 year old girlfriend who could be his daughter , but that 's another story , and I told her to tell ex - man to not go snorkling with sharks . And while I had her on the phone , I told her that since I was saving his life ONCE AGAIN , could she please tell him to pay the child support ON TIME . Got that settled , however , despite the feeding frenzy , the kids and I were going boating . In a tiny boat that sharks could bite into bits . I was ignoring my knowledge of the imminent feeding frenzy , and we were going boating . Sure , I went the extra mile to protect ex - man . In fact , I was so busy trying to save his life that it never occurred to me that my kids and I were in danger . Finally , it hit me . PROTECT YOURSELF . PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN ! . And I cancelled our boat trip . Then I woke up . That 's messed up . That was pretty much my life when I was married to ex - man . I kept trying to save ex - man , all the while , not even being aware of the danger I was putting myself and children in . So that was then . Why this dream now ? Because it 's SHARK WEEK ! Ex - man is back in the picture . He 's been gone for years , 4 miles away , except for texts here and there . Now he 's back , asking to see the children . Of course , they were a little excited . a little curious , and I was a little scared . Scared because my kids , after having pieces of their hearts stomped on and left by the side of the road like they didn 't matter , are doing okay , and I don 't want him to hurt them again . So when my middle one asked what I thought about them seeing their dad , I told her the truth . I told her that I felt like I was letting them go swimming in the ocean , where there was a riptide . Where there was an undertow . But I had to let them go . I had to let them go , even though we know there are sharks out there . So I 'll be standing on the shore , and when they are in danger , when they get pulled under , when they are drowning , I will swim out there and I will save them . Beautiful things can break my heart . And they are everywhere . Impossible to avoid . A father crouching down and tying the hood on his daughter 's winter jacket . A child sitting on her father 's shoulders , fingers grasped in his hair , holding tightly . A little boy , sitting in a shopping cart , tossing groceries to his father in the checkout line , as his father calls out in encouragement . Saying to my father on the phone , " I love you , too , " and worrying that my children can hear me and wondering if it makes their own father 's absence more acute . There are a lot of good fathers in the town where I live . I know , things are not always as they seem , but really , there are a lot of men here who clearly love their children , who show up for them , who take pride in being a good dad . My children 's father is not one of them . If you were to ask him , accuse him even , he would say that he texts them all the time . The truth is that months can go by without my children hearing from him . The truth is that years can go by without them seeing him even though he lives about 4 miles away . My friends tell me that my children are lucky to have me , that I am a great mom , but I worry . I want to be twice as good , but twice as good does not make up for a father 's absence , and I 'm not even half as good a parent as I wish I could be . I 'm tired . It 's exhausting being the only parent of three teenagers . I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic , worried about mistakes I 've made , the things I 've neglected to teach my children , and despairing of the father I chose for them . There is a moment I think of often . My son , about 13 at the time , had been sporting a shadow above his lip for several months , and had been asking when he could start shaving . I was aware that this was supposed to be one of those hallmark moments between father and son , when father teaches his son to shave . At that time , like most times , my children 's father was out of the picture . And so , I bought my son a razor and some shaving cream . We stood side by side in front of the bathroom mirror , and I watched him cover his upper lip with shaving cream and drag the razor through it . As he shaved , I unconsciously drew down my upper lip , as if I were shaving too . I tried to give him advice , but really , I didn 't know if he was supposed to shave up or down or across . We muddled through it and at the end , I took the razor from him and carefully went over a spot he had missed . We stood together in front of that mirror and looked at our reflections and at each other and I think we were both a little proud and a little relieved . My son didn 't need his dad to learn how to shave . It would have been nice , but it was okay because he had me . I doubt my son thinks of this moment often , as I do . For me , it is is incredibly poignant . Painful and beautiful . So to the dads who are there for their children , I wish you a very Happy Father 's Day . You matter . The love you give your children makes a difference in their lives . And to the moms who try to fill the empty space left behind by a missing father , I wish us strength and encouragement . It 's been a long time ! I was busy writing a paper so I could finally graduate from my Master 's in Mental Health Counseling program . I did it ! It has been a very long road and during the four plus years I was going to school , I got divorced ( which took over 3 years ) , fell in love ( which took about 3 days ) , ran my first ( and only ) half - marathon ( which took 2 hours and 23 seconds ) , and jumped off a telephone pole ( which took 3 seconds ) . I had two kids graduate from middle school , one graduate from high school and go to college , made new friends , moved out of my home of 19 years , bought my first house , started writing again , and got a job . You 're probably wondering about the telephone pole . Going back to school was life - saving . Sometimes , it was my respite from the insanity of trying to divorce my alcoholic husband . When I first started school , I had only recently gotten my husband out of the house , but he kept coming back , unannounced , to alternately woo and threaten me back into submission . Of course , no one at school knew any of this . No one knew that when I left my house for my evening classes , I worried that my husband would turn up at the house and scare our children . I worried he would come back to the house and refuse to leave . He was always drunk when he came over , and I always put myself between him and the children , in an attempt to shield them . What would happen if he came when I was not there ? About a month into the semester , my girls and I were driving home from the barn when we saw ambulances and police cars surrounding a vehicle in a parking lot just up the road from our house . Standing in the middle of it all was my adult stepson ; he was next to his father 's car and he was crying . I stopped my car and told the girls to wait , to not get out of the car . I was afraid of what they would find . The EMTs were pulling my husband out of his parked car . He looked dead . Apparently he had been on the way to our house . Maybe he knew he was too drunk to make it up our stairs . Maybe he wanted to sit in his car and drink some more . Whatever the reason , I 'm glad he never made it to our house . Instead , he had pulled into the tennis court parking lot and , at some point , called his son , who then called 911 . The policemen told me that they had found him unconscious in the car . During the few minutes that I spoke with the police , I knew my children had seen something frightening and confusing . When I went back to the car , they cried and asked me , " Is Daddy dead ? " I tried to reassure them that he would be okay , but really , I wasn 't sure . As I drove them back to the safety of our home , and it was safe , for he would not be coming that day , I intercepted my 10 year old son and his friend who were on their way to discover the reason for the sirens . I lied to my son , telling him that I did not know what had happened , but later , I knew he knew , and I looked into his tear - filled eyes and told him the truth . What do these moments do to a child ? I wonder , because , as an adult , I continue to be haunted by these memories . I write of these memories here so that they have a place to live , instead of in my head , and I feel a little freer . Free from the idea that my children and I are trapped in our history . Because the truth is , bad things happen . Most of us do not have perfect childhoods , do not have two perfect parents . When I look at my children , I see that while they have their wounds , they are , in fact , strong . Stronger and wiser , braver and kinder than they might have been had they not lived through these challenges . I work on seeing them not as victims , but as the heroes they are . We are a family of heroes , standing up for ourselves and each other . And we are going to be just fine . Better than fine . We are going to be awesome . Let me just start by saying that on Valentine 's Day , divorce court should be closed . It is a kick in the pants , a slap in the face , crappy icing on a crap cake , to have to go to divorce court on Valentine 's Day . But I did . Let 's remind everyone that I am actually divorced , and no , divorce court is not really called divorce court , but " matrimonial part " for all parts related to your dead marriage . I 'm sounding bitter . I apologize . I went to divorce court on Valentine 's Day in my never - ending quest for justice . Hah ! ! Ooh , sorry , sounding bitter again . This is so unlike me . I am not a bitter person . Really , I 'm not . I 'm tired and I should be writing my paper right now , but let me just get this off my chest . I WENT TO DIVORCE COURT ON VALENTINE ' S DAY AND THAT SUCKS . OK , I feel a little bitter now , I mean better . I wanted to give the judge a Valentine 's Day card that said , " Be Mine . " I wanted to give him one of the chocolate heart lollipops that I had made for my clients . I wanted him to look down at me from his holy bench and see that I was just a nice chocolate lollipop - making mom who needed protection and justice , and he , when he was finished with his lollipop , was just the man to deliver it . No lollipop for the judge , because someone would have objected . " Someone " meaning my ex - husband 's dorky lawyer . That 's mean . He 's the kind of kid who would have been picked on in middle school . Now I sound like a bully . This is called displacement . All of my anger at my ex - husband is being directed at his lawyer . I 'm going to stop now . As you know , nothing ever really happens in divorce court except that I get another court date and my lawyer is able to add an extra night to his vacation and his wife gets an extra spa treatment , courtesy of me . To be fair , I owe my lawyer a whole load of money . He had told me that since my ex was non - compliant with the court order for support , the judge would order him to pay my attorney fees . BUT THAT HASN ' T HAPPENED YET . And it 's been going on since last August . As I was saying , nothing ever happens in divorce court except that now ex - man is trying to fight the horse trust fund payments , for no reason other than to mess with me and the kids and to distract everyone from his unwillingness to pay child support . He is still so angry about the arbitration decision . He was thinking that if he wasn 't going to get to keep us , then he 'd be damned if we got to keep the horses . Yeah , so damn him . Last month , ex - man made a big noisy fuss and escrow agent said he could not cut a check , so now the court needs to get involved . So dumb . So pointless . So I did it again . I tried to talk to ex - man . After we walked out of the courtroom , I approached him and asked him why he was doing this . Asked him if he had any questions about the way the money was being spent , because I 'm an open book . He said , " Are you going to start yelling again ? " Remember my little moment of crazy ? Apparently he does , remarkable given how much he drinks . So I said , " No , I 'm not , but since you haven 't seen our daughter in a year and a half , that would be reason enough to yell . " And that was that . Happy Valentine 's Day . Back in 2008 , when I was trying to end my marriage , trying to just get my husband out of the house for the second time , a frequent topic of our debates regarding his leaving or not was that a divorce would " ruin " him . " If this gets out , it will ruin my reputation , ruin my business , " he said . Who did he think we were ? Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook ? At that time , Christie and Peter had been all over the news as their marriage was coming to an end . Now , I can tell you , my husband was no Peter Cook , either looks - wise or sleeping with an 18 year old - wise . My husband 's lover was a bottle of vodka . It puzzled me that he thought our divorce could be a New York Post - worthy social scandal . Page Six ? I don 't think so . True , Christie and I have a lot in common . She and I are both blond . We both have three kids , she with three different husbands , I with just one . We both like horses . She was married to Piano Man ; I have a piano . She was a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model ; I have a swimsuit . Oh , and we both have a Total Gym , although from the looks of things , she is using hers a lot more than I am using mine . Still , our divorce , no matter how ugly it got , and he promised me it would get ugly , was not bound for tabloid headlines . And there were already plenty of falls from grace to fill the Wall Street Journal ; besides , would its readers even care about the demise of a family ? My husband thought that no one knew about his drinking , and to a fair degree , he was right . Excess in the world of investment banking was the norm . Remember the 90 's ? Bankers were the Masters of the Universe . They were getting haircuts and shoeshines in their offices , blow jobs under their desks and multimillion - dollar bonuses in December . Things were different after 2001 , but he was still making a lot of money . My husband was convinced that because he was so successful in business , he could not possibly have a drinking problem . For years , he was able to keep these areas of his life separate . He went off to work each day , sharp as a tack , spring in his step , and capable of speech . My children and I got him home each night , slurry and stumbling and eventually unconscious , if we were lucky . Like any good alcoholic , his disease progressed . He continued to believe that no one knew , but between his drunken stumbling in town as he made his way to the bar or liquor store , ambulances and police cars in our driveway , and my own physical deterioration and frequently tear - filled eyes as I told friends and neighbors that I was fine , I wondered how people could not know . He clung to the idea that his secret was safe and his reputation was stellar . Sometimes I threatened to " out " him . I thought that maybe if other people knew what he was doing , he would stop . After all , I had seen him stay sober for a business meeting , but not for his daughter 's birthday dinner . If there had been a headline , " Managing Director Drunk on Christmas Eve : Can 't Put Together Son 's Train Table , " perhaps the embarrassment would cause him to change . In the privacy and secrecy of our own home , he did not change , except that he got worse . He went from being a fairly benign drunk passed out in a chair to a dark and frightening presence . It was my oldest daughter , thirteen at the time , who begged me to call the police . " He 's scaring me , Mommy . It 's like having a stranger in the house , " she said , adding , " If there 's no consequence to what he 's doing , he will never stop . " I think his imagined anonymity allows him to continue to drink and to behave badly . Despite regular detox visits to the hospital , he refuses to go to rehab . He does not see our children , even though he lives four miles away . He spends thousands of dollars on lawyers , trying to appeal an unappealable divorce decision , but has not given his children a birthday or Christmas present in over two years . He does not pay child support until the very moment he faces jail , arriving at court , check in hand . He denies his reputation as " town drunk , " despite this label having been bestowed upon him by local merchants and bartenders . My ex - husband 's denial is too big for subtle hints from friends and private pleas from family . His denial needs a bigger audience forcing him to face the truth . We all remember Christie 's interview on the Today Show . Matt Lauer bullied Christie over her speaking out publicly of her ex . Christie had decided to speak out only after her ex 's public " character assassination " of her and a desire to set the record straight . I remember her saying , " I just want peace . " That is what I wish for , not only for my three children and me , but also for my ex - husband . Why would Matt Lauer ever interview me ? I am just an ordinary person , who once loved a man who has been slowly killing himself over the past 15 years and whose children are the collateral damage to his self - destruction . Would my story be compelling ? Perhaps . It is one that is shared by millions of people who mostly suffer in silence and isolation . I wish I could sit with Matt Lauer , like Christie did , to finally address my ex - husband 's actions , so that my ex would have nowhere left to hide . I would not do this out of spite or some desire to hurt him . I just want him to stop hurting me , our children , and himself . Do you think there is a reverse " do not call list " ? You know , a list for the telemarketers and pollsters and surveyors warning them about me ? Since we moved last year and changed phone numbers , we mostly get wrong numbers , or someone wanting to sell me something , take a survey , or make a donation . Ring ring . " Hello , may I speak to the person who pays the electric bill , " the person on the end of the line says . " Well , that would be me , " I tell them , " That is , when I can pay it , when my ex - husband actually pays the child support , which is like never . Except when I take him to court and he 's about to go to jail . " Click . Ring ring . " Hello , I 'm calling from the ASPCA to thank you for your donation and was wondering if you would be able to participate in our monthly donation program , " says the woman on the phone . " Well , I would love to , " I reply , " if I had any money . My dog has cancer , I just found out and , ( sob ) I 'm sorry , but you caught me at a bad time , and I ( sob ) . " " No worries , " says the woman on the phone , " Have a nice evening . And I 'm sorry about your dog . " Click . This evening I got a call from TD Ameritrade , asking if I would participate in a customer satisfaction survey . Given my bad feelings toward TD Ameritrade , which I will get into later , I was about to say " No , " but then the man on the other end of the line said it would take just a few minutes and for my trouble , I would get a $ 25 gift card to Amazon and so I agreed to do it . It started out innocently enough . I started out innocently enough . A few questions about my account , how I had used their services , and if I was satisfied . Yes , 15 months , a house , Citibank , no , yes , not really , … ummm , can I just tell you something , I asked the survey man . Survey man , I really hate TD Ameritrade . They gave my ex - husband a margin loan . A big margin loan . And then they gave him an even bigger one . My ex - husband was not a sane man , Mr . Survey Man . My ex - husband drank , all the time . He bragged about how he was the biggPosted by Weeping Oak rhondastephensTo Catch A Falling CactusLong Haul TrekkersAdventure Travel with Dogsgoodiegoodiegumdrop . com / donuts , dresses and dirtliving a well - tended life . . . at any ageHeartBeatsMonthly Tips for EFT Couples TherapistsBonnie Raesimple days with bonnie rae . Ferocious FoodieOne man 's brutally honest opinion about all things edible . KleinsaucerTALES FROM THE MOTHERLANDStraight up with a twist - Because life is too short to be subtle ! Empty House , Full MindViews of life from the empty nestRobSwihart . comLife By Design . . . One Day At A TimeWorld Cup 2014welcome ! Please contribute your opinions about world cupThe New ElizabethReinventing MyselfPeanutBubba & FluffThe " just for your entertainment " tales of mommyhoodLessons LearnedLife has taught me wellThe Weeping OakThe Creamline . WriterMasonMermaid on a bicycle3kids2cats1divorceMuddling through with humor , grace , and hairballsAmbling & RamblingScattered thoughts and general musings |
WARNING : this post is little depressing . As a senior in highschool , I acquired an orange cat named Sammy . My mom 's friend had taken in Sammy when her pastor had moved away , but the female cat of the house , Mittens , dominated the household . Sammy ended up staying in the basement . He was free to come upstairs whenever he desired , but would only venture upstairs at night . I remember sleeping over at her house when he was there - he would always come upstairs and sleep on my chest . I thought he was the sweetest cat in the world - and he really was . We brought Sammy to our house the Christmas of ' 04 . I was so excited to have a cat - the only cat I had ever had was in childhood . His name was Bustafer ( I really don 't know how to spell that - it was from the musical Cats ) . My mother told me that we had to get rid of him b / c I was allergic to him . I found out a couple of years ago ( from my dad ) that she got rid of him simply b / c he was a kitten , climbing on things , tearing things up . I was never allergic to cats , something I believed until I was 21 . We won 't digress into the multitude of my mother 's lies right now . Unfortunately , life for Sammy wasn 't much better at our house than it was for him at Pam 's . My mother insisted that he be kept down in the basement b / c of the litterbox and for fear that he 'd scratch the furniture . I was not comfortable in basements , so I would bring him up to my room when she wasn 't looking . I fought with her often , b / c although I knew little about cats , I knew it was wrong to keep ANY animal away from loving contact with other animals , including us humans . Happily , I found out later that my sister , in attempt to get away from our overbearing mother , spent a lot of time down in the basement , watching television . Sammy was the kind of cat that would push himself onto your lap , forcing attention from you . She gave him a lot of affection during that time . We only had Sammy for a few months . One night , he started crying , and I knew something was wrong . You know how you know instinctually when somethingPosted by While at the thrift store , I saw this little bed . I knew immediately that I had to buy it for my cats . I was just going to put a fleece blanket in it , but then realized that those cardboard scratching things would fit perfectly ! The blanket underneath is just keep it from slipping . The bed is the new favorite spot ! Domino on the baby - doll bed , while Mellie looks on from my bed . My bed is on the floor - I had a bad experience with the ET movie as a kid . A relative had gifted my sister and I comforter sets for Christmas when I was about four or five . My sister got cute kittens . I got monsters . No lie . These things had three eyes , four arms , antennae , etc . They were weird enough , but after ET , every time I hopped into bed , I thought of scary ET and his nasty fingers reaching up from under my bed to grab me and take me to the underworld with him . So I would lie perfectly still in the middle of the bed , hoping his hands couldn 't reach me , asking my sister to talk to me until I fell asleep . Everyone else I 've told laughs , saying , " But ET is so cute ! " Uh , no . He wanted to eat me when I was little . Not cute . So now , my bed is on the floor . No more ET . He got squashed . Domino says something unintelligible . Mellie steals the bed from Noms . . . And claims it , of course . Mellie thinks everything belongs to her . And it does , because she pushes everyone out of her way to get her way . She even smacks me when she wants my food ! Naughty ! As much as I can tell , there is one black cat left to be spayed at the Tipsy colony . There are a couple of cats that make their way over to the Hostess bakery thrift shop a couple buildings down , but I have a hunch that they are all from this Tipsy colony . I have spoken to a woman who sets some food out over there for them - she says she has seen one black and white cat with a tipped ear , one black cat with a tipped ear , and one tabby young adult . I believe that the tabby is spayed as well ( there is only one tabby in this colony , who very well happens to be around 6 - 8 months old . . . ) , but I will go over to make sure . I was going to try to trap the last black cat on Tuesday , but some unknown person had already laid out a * lot * of food . The cats had no interest in me with their stomachs already full . But I couldn 't leave . Because one of the black and white cats was dead in the middle of the road . Animals killed by vehicles generally activate a grief response , no matter how many dead animals I pass by . But this cat was from this colony that I have been trying so long to finish TNRing . This cat was in my car at some point . Was spayed or neutered at our hospital . Is probably somewhere in my pictures . Making that connection with a dead animal in the middle of a busy road just immobilized me . I think I sat in my car staring at the body for a half hour , not able to turn the car on or decide what I should do . I remember thinking to myself , " you need to put the keys back in and leave . " But I couldn 't move my arm to pick up the keys . My dad ended up texting me , to see if I was coming over , which basically snapped me out of my inability to move . I drove back to the hospital to get a cadaver bag and some gloves so I could remove the cat from the road . But when I came back , the cat was gone . Someone else must have picked him / her up . I was wondering , why do we not want to leave the bodies of people we loved or animals we cared about ? Why does it feel like abandonment ? Or maybe we simply don 't want to accept the reality of the dePosted by Remember how I just let this guy eat out of my trap b / c I thought I got all the black and white cats ? Well , he is now neutered . I believe there may be just one black female cat left . Maybe 2 black cats , but it is hard for me to tell . . . I know for sure that the one female has a small sprinkling of white on her upper chest . I am so excited that this colony is almost done ! It has taken me forever , but is very worth it ! No more babies ! Healthier cats ! Speaking of health , the first couple of black cats I brought in had large wounds around their eyes , from fights , I would assume . . . And several were extremely thin , with clumpy coats . All of the cats seem so much healthier now ! Their coats look better . They seem less skinny . And I have not seen any of the cats with large , bald patches of red , smooth skin around their eyes . Yay ! After finishing this colony , I have to go a couple buildings down to the Hostess Bakery outlet . I have been told that there are a few cats over there . They might have been from the Tipsy colony . . . One woman mentioned that she has seen a couple of them walk back and forth between the two areas . . . And maybe the police station after that . . . And a random thank you to Strayer for constant inspiration ! I seem to go back and forth with many blogs , but I always make sure to read hers ! You can 't get more devoted to spay and neuter than she is ! ! ! Thank you ! = ) ( Noms in the bookcase ) So there is this black and white cat that looks similar to my Noms that I 've seen under my dad 's van at night . . . And just generally on our street . Well , my dad 's street . Anyway , I got a call from a woman looking to get a cat neutered . She takes care of five feral cats , has recently had an addition and wants to make sure he 's sterilized and healthy . She 's super nice , has even told the neighbors that they need to get any cats they feed fixed so it doesn 't become a problem . And guess where this is ? On my dad 's street ! I just thought it was funny . Turns out the Noms look - a - like is one of hers . Good to know ! I 'm going to be lending her a trap if she decides to go with our program . . . And giving her the rest of my straw , most likely . I 've used as much as I can at the three colonies ( Wendy 's , Tipsy 's , the hospital 's ) , but still have at least half a bale ( bale ? ) of straw left . Too much straw ! Makes me itchy . . . Speaking of itchy , I have realized recently that certain dogs with short , prickly fur give me hives . Odd . Like contact hives , if there 's such a thing ? Just little bumps where their fur poked into me . . . Weird . . . Okay , seriously , good night ! = ) I returned the male cat to Tipsy 's tonight . The vet who performed his surgery told me that this cat is probably one of the main baby - daddies . Haha . No more , though ! He was a big boy , definitely ! It was raining steadily all throughout the day and the pavement is like a lake in that one area by the dumpsters . Fortunately , I had thought to wear boots , but I still ended up getting soaked . I didn 't want him to have to run through the lake , so I crossed over to the path between the fences . I wanted him to be able to find a dry area to rest in without getting drenched first . But when I made my way to the path , I realized that even though there are more shelters available to the cats , they 're still using that broken dog house . I saw two b & w kittens and the grey cat poke their heads out when I released the recently - neutered kitty . And it broke my heart , because the top of that dog house is lopsided , cracked , and a chunk is missing from the side . ( I believe the skateboarders beat this house up ) The rain just falls right in , getting the straw and the kitties wet . A volunteer from Habitat from Cats had suggested clear shower curtains as a good alternative to brightly colored tarps that draw attention , so I immediately made my way to good old WalMart to buy a clear curtain . ( Well , not immediately - I totally checked the dollar store and the Goodwill first , but they had no plain , clear ones . . . ) After I purchased the curtain I drove back to Tipsy 's to cover the dog house . It took me a while to cover it to my satisfaction , but I finally succeeded . The tree branches that surround the house made it a little difficult to get around , but I was able to keep my balance and not break an ankle by falling off the ledge onto the pavement below . Go me ! I hope that it stays on okay . I also brought more straw to replace the wet stuff . Too much rain . Somehow , my jeans got soaked during this process . And I had straw in my hair , on my boots , in my sweatshirt sleeves . . . And then I had to go grocery shopping looking like a hobo . Ah , but I survived . Posted by Black male cat , being neutered right now . He will be returned later tonight . Same boy . I have to say , it takes a lot of concentration to figure out which black cats are the ones without tipped ears , and which ones go under the drop trap . I get all confused , because there are several black cats similar in size - I have to track their steps ! Last week , I was under the impression that there are only a couple of black cats left to be trapped and altered . I was definitely wrong . Eating under my drop trap was a neutered black cat and this guy . I wasn 't even paying attention to the b & w cat ! They were eating ( and centered under the trap perfectly , too , of course ) for a solid five minutes . As this guy walks out , stomach now full , I realized that his ear is most definitely not tipped ! Can 't believe I did that ! Then he walked a couple feet away from the drop trap and rested under the bushes . * I tell myself I was just getting him used to eating under the drop trap . Well , now I know - at least one more black cat , maybe two - and definitely one more black and white cat ! * The cats just got new digs , too ! Tracy and her husband brought over some beautiful houses for the kitties . I am hoping - desperately - that the boys who like to destroy stuff will leave these houses alone . That they won 't notice them , or will just , simply , leave alone . Right now , though , it is nice to know that they have some better protection from the cold and snow than before . Or , at least , * more * protection . They did have some good houses , but as we 've found out , there are many more cats than thought previously . * I have also been feeding the cats at Wendy 's this week . The caretaker went on vacation , asked me to feed them some wet food in the evenings . * There is a black and white friendly cat there . Not sure if he is owned or not , but may get him neutered anyway , since he 's over there . We can check for a microchip , but it 's not likely he has one . I haven 't really been trapping over at Wendy 's , because if the caretaker doesn 't help me get that one momma cat , theFrodannah This was one of the first males neutered here . I have seen him out in the open a lot more since his neuter . Not that it 's a good thing . . . This particular area is not good for these cats , especially with the teenage boys going through the fence to skateboard on the other side . I 'm sure most of the boys are relatively harmless , but some of them like to mess with the shelters and food / water . Just the other day , a woman had given us a plastic tub at the hospital , which I couldn 't find a use for , so I brought it over here to cover the water . I was hoping the water would stay clean longer being covered , but the little asshats ( oops , sorry ) took the bin . Come on ! It 's a plastic bin ! Leave it alone ! Another woman who feeds the kitties has set some plastic shelters over here recently , which were stolen . . . I 'm assuming it was a skateboarder , but sorry for jumping to conclusions if it wasn 't . . . But still . It 's a plastic shelter ! Back off ! Can 't really do anything . Maybe we need to bolt these babies to the ground ? Haha . Make them really heavy with bricks on the bottom ? Spayed female kitten . Doing good so far . . . Black and white male again . Some branches were left by the dumpsters , which the cats seem to enjoy . . . Peeking out . I was trapping this day , so these guys were all waiting for some food , while I was waiting for someone to wander under the drop trap . Grey male neutered a couple weeks ago . This black kitty was the unfortunate one who went for the food under the drop trap and was almost trapped , but escaped . Well , I guess we were both unfortunate . I pulled the string prematurely . While his head was not in the bowl . I have learned my lesson , but I dearly hope this cat will forget what happened . B / c he needs to be neutered . The first spayed female from this colony is waiting in the background . . . Black and white kitten neutered a couple weeks ago . . . This cat is not spayed . She is one of at least 2 black cats that need to be trapped and altered . I 'm thinking there might be 3 or 4 black cats left unaltered . . . So hard to tell withPosted by Black female spayed last week . Vet said she was lactating . We are on the lookout for kittens . I hope to be able to get them into homes if there are any . . . She is the 20th cat to be TNR 'd here . . . Black and white female spayed today . At least 2 yrs old . Female in the trap before release . - Also neutered a black male kitten on Wednesday , same age as the others : 5 - 6 months old . He might have been the last kitten . . . Not sure . If there are any more kittens to be trapped , it would be a black kitten . I can tell a lot more easily with the black and white ones , since they have slightly different markings . . . Forgot to take pictures of the cats in the traps again . . . The little tabby kitten was trapped using the drop trap and spayed on Wednesday . She looked pretty good according to her age and weight . Good thing , compared to the two black kittens that were neutered several weeks ago . Tabby kitten walking away . I saw her when I went over a day later to trap again - she looks good so far ! The only grey cat in the colony was trapped by drop trap as well . He was neutered Wednesday as well . He is pretty healthy looking as well . Very vocal male kitten , neutered today . I lent a trap to a friend , who happened to show up right before I trapped this guy . He would * not * budge from the drop trap ! Most cats zoom out the door , thinking they can escape , but this guy wanted nothing to do with it ! He just lay under the drop trap and meowed at me . We had to prod him into the transfer trap . It broke my heart to return him today . He is definitely the most friendly and least timid of the kittens . Little man makes 19 of the cats spayed and neutered from the Tipsy colony . There may be 2 more kittens to be trapped , and at least 5 adults . The last adults are proving the hardest to lure in . I may have to call each person that feeds and ask them to not feed on a certain day so I can trap with better success . There are so many people feeding these cats now ! Maybe that 's why they 're looking a little better ! Two more males from Wendy 's were trapped : one , an all grey shorthair , the other , a grey and white longhair . I have been in such a rush that I completely forgot to take pictures , but let me tell you - they look exactly like their siblings . Both were around six months old , which would makes sense , as we spayed their sisters a couple months ago . . . Mama still needs to be trapped . . . And I know that there is / was a black female , with some black kittens , but I haven 't seen her or her kittens in a while . And certainly haven 't trapped any black cats in that area yet ! I trapped two cats over at Tipsy 's yesterday . Had to use the drop trap , because the cats are just not going in the traps anymore . The remaining cats are too smart . I trapped the little tabby kitten right away , then waited two and a half hours to finally get another cat . And I trapped the grey adult cat ! Yay ! Several of the unfixed adult cats seem to know that it is not in their best interests to go under the trap . And I had to keep shooing the groundhogs away , which was not only annoying , but the cats would run away as well . . . And those cats just lay there , watching me . If I only I had a dart gun or something ! ! ! Haha . The two cats will be spayed today . I 'm hoping that they will be ready to go back early this evening , as a friend wants to borrow one of my traps . . . 3 - 5 month old kitten spayed today . She was around 4 lbs , I believe , a little healthier than the last kittens spayed and neutered . Female around 8 months , weighed 5 . 5 lbs . . . They said that this little girl hasn 't had a litter yet . I 'm just grateful that she won 't have to experience bringing any babies into a world that isn 't safe for them . The techs said both girls looked healthier than the other cats that have been brought in from this colony . - They will be spending the night and released tomorrow morning . - Every time I go there , I see the same main cats that hang out in the open - all with untipped ears . Fortunately , we 're making a dent in their numbers ( and previously spayed and neutered more timid cats are actually being seen a bit more as well ) , but it 's funny how the same several less skittish cats are the ones not getting trapped . I have a feeling that this is due to being able to eat out in the open . The ones that are too shy are more hungry and are therefore more likely to be trapped . - I 'll have to try for them with the drop trap when I have a little more time . Right now , I am content to be able to fill the spots with any of these cats ! Posted by We had some yard work done around the hospital last week . They removed the trees and bushes that were growing through the fence . And now there 's a definite pathway all around the hospital . I miss the trees - the fence looks so vulnerable now ! I swear , the trees were holding it all together ! ! ! Anyway , Stranger & Company went missing for several days . We feed them every day at noon . They all come out to meet us , especially Jehzar , the orange and white kitty ( he runs through the fence to greet us as if that will encourage us to put the food down for him ) . And they will finish their food within 15 minutes . Not so when there are trees being chopped down . I was a little sad to see that they had piled a great load of chopped branches onto the cats ' stick pile that they nest in , but they 're probably having more fun with it than I suspect . It was a little worrisome , because the cats disappeared for almost a week ! And didn 't even eat their food overnight ! I thought they might have packed up and left for good ! And although they 're not my pet cats , I care extremely about these guys . They 've become " our " feral cats , part of the animal hospital 's picture . Anyway , I hoped that they were just hiding from the tree - cutting man . I 'm sure it was loud and unsettling . But , after being away for 5 or 6 days , all kitties made their appearance again . Torrini was looking a little thin last time I saw him , though . . . Hope he 's okay ! They better be sharing the food properly ! Returning the three black Tipsy cats today ! Enjoy the start of your day ! ( all - black female , around 8 - 10months , I think . Very small , only 4 . 4 lbs . ) After several weeks break due to family medical issues and car accidents , I have been finally able to venture back to trapping . I may only be able to do one day a week , as I have to take care of my little sister on Thursdays and Fridays , but I hope to find others to fill those spots in . . . When I went yesterday to trap , I only intended on trapping one . I usually set the traps , pray for someone to take the bait , and listen / watch for the sound of the trap closing and the cats scattering . Because of the boys , I was checking the traps every 15 minutes - to make sure they weren 't messing with anything . ( tiny all - black male around 4 - 5 months old , but only 2 . 7 lbs . Way too little for his age . ) Because I heard the sound of skateboarding , I climbed under the fence and let them know that I was trapping the cats to be spayed and neutered . I basically just wanted them to know that I was there , that I knew they were there , and that I was going to be staying around . They left probably a half hour later . When they did , I made sure to meet them at the opening so they would know that I was checking on my traps and that I had seen each one of them . These boys looked younger than the ones I saw the other day . I hope that by hanging out at random times , they might realize they 're not as anonymous as they 'd like to be . I obviously can 't intimidate them , but they probably don 't want to be seen , and now they have been . I really want to take a couple more shelters over to this area , but I really don 't want them destroyed . It makes me angry enough already , without the houses being my work and effort in placing them there ! ( slightly bigger all - black male , 4 - 5 months old , but still only 3 . 7 lbs . So skinny it 's heartbreaking . ) When the boys left , the traps were empty . 15 minutes later , each trap contained a small black cat . I 'm just glad I didn 't have any more ! I only had one spot , but fortunately , they were able to squeeze them all in today . I thought the cats were younPosted by The day I moved out , my sister was taken to the hospital for a couple days . ( She 's all better now , though , no worries ) The day I was going to drive down to visit her in the hospital , I rear - ended a young man in a Land Rover . No damage to his car , just some red paint on the hitch , but I have to have my light and fender replaced . I just hope the collision didn 't damage any of the internal parts . It was a horrifying experience . After it happened , I just sat there . I didn 't think to turn off my car ( I don 't even remember if I put it in park ) . I sat there in shock , thinking , " What the hell just happened ? " Well , what happened was there was a shirt in the road . I thought it was a larger animal , like a dog . As I drove past it , I realized it was an article of clothing , and I remember thinking , " Oh , good , it 's just a shirt . " And then I slammed into the Land Rover . The young man said that he and a semi had stopped pretty abruptly in front of a car wash / gas station , so that must have happened as soon as I glanced over to look at the black shape in the road . Although this has cost me several hundred dollars so far , I am thankful for several things : 1 . I didn 't hurt anyone . 2 . I didn 't hurt myself . 3 . I didn 't damage his car . 4 . My car is so far okay , only superficially damaged , to my knowledge . . . 5 . We didn 't have to report it , because the guy I rear - ended had no damage . 6 . My dad was only 10 minutes away . = ) 7 . The police officer was a decent man . Unfortunately , I couldn 't go to visit my sister that day , because we weren 't sure if my car was drivable . That was a Thursday . That Sunday , my father was ambulanced to the hospital for having a seizure in his car in the parking lot of WalMart . Somehow , both shoulders were dislocated , one is broken , he can 't drive for a year ( because of the seixure ) , and he can 't take care of the baby ( because he 's not physically capable of changing a diaper , picking her up , etc . ) . These last two weeks , I 've been doing nothing but working , sleeping , and spending every spare moment over at my parents ' house . Posted by K from RIT finally trapped one of the two cats she 's been after last night ! She brought " Wooly " in this morning . Yay ! Now she just has one more she needs to trap over there ! I had no time to be trapping b / c of moving - which I hope to finish tonight ( it 's super hot , so we 're waiting until the evening ) . I have a couple more pieces of furniture to take over . Mellie and Noms are doing okay , but Smidge refuses to come out of her box . Noms has been eating and drinking , Mellie used the litter box , but I haven 't seen Smidge since last night . I made sure she couldn 't get squished by boxes before I left , but I 'll let her take her time . A few weeks ago , I met a woman at the hospital ( the human one ) who started talking about the cats that she feeds outside . She said she found a home for one , but the other she just feeds and provides shelter for , since he 's an in - betweenie . I told her that if she happened to reside in our town , and if the cat is strictly outdoors , we could probably help her . I gave her my name and phone number and told her to call me when she was feeling better . Fast forward to this morning . The woman called the hospital to see if she could get the male cat seen for an abscess on his face . She told them that she had heard about our program through me and was wondering if we could help her with the cat . She was able to get the cat into a carrier and brought him in this morning . The girls up front asked me what I knew about this woman and I told them : she 's nice , she feeds a couple cats outside , she lives in our town , she wants to get them fixed , and I gave her my phone number to call me so we could work something out when she was feeling better . They decided to feel the situation out and see if she had any intentions on keeping / rehoming the cat , which is why I told her to give me a call first - needed a little more info . But the circumstances are the same - she won 't be finding this guy a home , but will be taking care of him as an outdoor cat . They decided to process the cat as a feral cat , then , and treat his Posted by I 'm moving out today ! ! ! I 'm actually not that excited . I like the safety of living with my parents . I like knowing that my family will be here when I come home . But there 's not enough room for the four of us here . With four cats . So I and my three cats are moving out today . I just hope that I will feel comfortable in my new place over time , since I will be sharing it with a girl I used to work with , but hardly know . I have most of my stuff moved out - it 's really just the furniture left . My new room is smaller , so I don 't know how it 's all going to fit ! Also , it may take a couple days to get my computer set up . How will I survive ? = ) On my way to take a carload of clothes and random stuff over to my new house , I saw a dead animal in the road . The animal was terribly mangled , but looked as if it had been black . I believe it was a cat . If the animal had been on the side of the street , or even if the street was not so busy , I would have pulled over . But traffic is crazy here , and the dead animal was in the middle lane of a regular four - lane highway / street . When I turned around to go back to my parents ' house ( can 't say " home " anymore ! * cries * ) I slowed down while passing ( hard to do when there 's so many cars going 50mph , but I tried ) , and I do think it was a black cat , possibly with some white . Makes me so sad to think of this animal being killed in such a way . No one deserves such a death . I won 't even know if it was one of the cats from the bar / photo studio , since they don 't really show their faces . In our fast - paced world , we obliterate everything . Animals , plants , land , sea , air - everything . I 've been accused of caring more for animals than humans . All " animal - lovers " have been accused of this . But this is absurd to me . We who care for the helpless non - human animals are the same ones who care for the most helpless of our own species . We simply have different paths . I watch a documentary about the lack of clean water in many areas of this world , and my heart breaks . I see the homeless walking the streets , rummaging through the trash cans for recyclable bottles , and my heart breaks . I read about the transgendered female murdered by her male friends when they found out she was a biological male , and my heart breaks . I hear about the 3 month old baby stabbed to death by an angry father , and my heart breaks . Does your heart break ? I bet so . But what about the ones who accuse us of caring more for " animals " than for those of my species ? Those who are not able to see the similarity in all of our paths of hardship - do their hearts break for the homeless ? The hungry ? The oppressed ? So maybe , it all comes down to empathy . If your heart can 't be affected by that homeless man , or that starving dog , maybe you simply don 't understand the connection . What is the difference between a homeless man returning discarded bottles for money and a dog overturning garbage cans in search of food ? The species . One is a man and one is a dog . Otherwise , their paths are the same . They are trying to survive . And THAT is what I care about . The survival . The dog wants to live as much as the man . In our desire to survive , we are all the same . When I advocate for TNR of stray and feral cats , it 's not because I simply like cats . It 's because I have a respect for life . It 's because I understand the struggle to survive . It 's because I can empathize with the oppressed . Nobody has the right to tell me that I am wrong to direct my life towards alleviating one particular species ' hardship . I care about the afflicted and the oppressed REGARDLESS of species . I 've been asked " Why are you spending all your time trying to help cats when there are staPosted by Last week , I brought sushi over to the cats . My step - mom hadn 't finished her plate , so instead of throwing it out , I asked if I could bring it over to the feral cats . ( I had tried to see if my cats would attempt the raw fish , but they are babies . They didn 't even try it . ) I 'm hoping now that there 's nothing in sushi that could harm the cats . It 's just rice and raw fish , right ? Anyway , this kitty here cracked me up when I saw her go zooming past with a sushi roll in her mouth . I think she wanted to find a place to enjoy her treat by herself . So today , I brought over some uncooked chicken . My parents weren 't going to eat it ( and I 'm a vegetarian ) , so my step - mom asked me if I wanted to give it to the feral cats . I forgot a knife , so I just laid out the slabs of chicken breast on a plate for them to enjoy . It made me giggle when I saw the same kitty run past with a piece of chicken dangling from her little mouth . She probably wanted to make sure no one else laid dibs on her piece , so she left to enjoy it by herself . - It 's hard knowing what these cats must survive through . But sometimes , they make me smile , like when they sprawl out on the pavement and roll around . And sometimes , they make me laugh , when they run off with special pieces of food so no one else can lay their paws on them . It 's a hard life for them out here . But we 're trying to make it a little better for them through TNR . This black and white cat from Tipsy 's was trapped as well today . The kitty will be spayed / neutered tomorrow . Am not even going to guess on gender . = ) Petite cat . Looks thin , just like the rest of them . You know what I want ? I want no more babies ! Because we 're not going to be able to find fosterers for them ! So we just need to get these guys spayed and neutered ! - I know I 've said it before , but there are a lot more cats out here than I first estimated . Out of the 11 cats we 've trapped , I 've only seen 3 beforehand . Possibly 4 , if one of the black cats that used to hang around is just hiding a bit before venturing back out into the open . But that means a lot of these kitties are too skittish to show their faces . - I 'll let you know about this cat tomorrow after surgery ! This little muffin was trapped today . His sibling didn 't leave his side until I came back to get him . I wish I could have gotten him , too ! - He went home with the woman who 's been trying to get the kittens . She met me at the dumpsters in between the photo studio and the grey building . I showed her how to use the trap again , and let her borrow it so she can go back whenever to try to get the babies . I told her to rig it up so she can control who gets trapped ( I don 't want to have to keep an adult cat for more than one day ) . I also mentioned that she might be able to use the baby as bait for the other kittens . . . - I 'm hoping we 'll be more successful with removing these kittens from hard lives in this colony ! There are still at least 3 kittens , most likely more . - I don 't know if this guy is from the same litter as the other two black kittens , taken in by the woman in the grey building who 's been helping me trap . Not sure about the ages . But I hope they can be socialized to humans without too much fuss . The woman taking them in hasn 't socialized feral kittens before , so I just wrote her a lengthy email with my own and others ' advice . If they cannot be socialized , we will have them spayed / neutered and released . I 'll just need to keep up on their progress , because if they do not do well inside , I do not want anything else to happen to them . . . - I just wish the black and white one hadn 't been released ! ! ! I 've been moving stuff around , taking some things over to my new place . . . The Bergan lounger thing fell over during all this , and guess who thought it was meant to be ? I think they mentioned on the site that it could be used upside down . I like it because it 's still very stable when flipped over . Mellie likes it , too ! This is a Bergan Pulp Scratch Lounger . I love it because it 's only $ 8 . 99 , and the cats do like to use it . Have not seen anyone use it as a scratching surface , but it 's definitely a comfy place to sleep ! This is our over - heated kitty . I think she 's okay - after an hour or two on a cool , wet towel , she seemed back to normal . No more panting . - She was spayed today . And six babies were prevented from entering this world . The doctor said that she was a couple weeks along but that they presented unevenly and would not have all survived . - It 's hard , knowing that these babies never got a chance . But at the same time , they wouldn 't have had much a chance even if they had lived past birth . We don 't even seem to be able to find homes for the 4 or 5 kittens already present in the colony . - Ah , I don 't have the answers . My heart is torn on this topic . A life is a life - but is a prevented life the same as an ended one ? I 'm not really sure , and believe me , I 've had the opportunity to debate this issue before . With no conclusions , obviously . Maybe it 's best to admit that we don 't have all the answers . We just try to do what we feel is best . - I hope that this kitty will be able to live a healthier life now that she is spayed . Posted by While transferring the black cat over to my car today , I talked with the woman who 's been helping me with the trapping . I asked her about the kittens she 's taken in ( betwen 5 - 8 ) over the years . She said none of them have tested positive for FIV / FeLV , so that 's good . Maybe the cats here aren 't actively sick , just not super healthy . I don 't know . They look rough , though . And thin . BUT , maybe I 'm just so used to seeing my plump cats that my opinion is skewed . I asked her about the houses on the other side of the fence that have disappeared . She says there are teenage boys who like to skateboard over there - and destroy the houses . I guess she outted them for being over there and they retaliated by removing / breaking / setting fire to some of the houses . I just hope none of the cats were hurt . She says she doesn 't believe they 've touched any of the huts that are between the fences . I hope not , because the cats need places to go ! She also said that the owner of the photo studio poisoned some of the cats a few years ago and bragged about it after throwing their dead bodies over by the dumpsters . I don 't even have words for that . People who are capable of such actions have this human / animal separation . Humans are supreme beings , animals " just animals . " Pests . Like cutting trees down because they 're in the way . And I don 't know how to fight that belief with any bit of success . Most people I know are like that . They believe people take precedence over animals merely because they are human and " animals " are not . Maybe I 'll figure out how to combat these beliefs with time . I hope so . Because I hate not knowing what to say that might actually go through someone 's defenses of " I am right , you can 't touch me , EVER ! ! ! " Well , goodnight . I let the Caring Harts for RIT Cats group know that they can have two spots for tomorrow , but to let me know if they 're not successful . If they 're not , I like to try in the morning for a cat at one of the colonies I 've been TNRing . This hasn 't really worked so far ( in my getting a cat in the morning ) , but it 's worth a try to take adantage of the available spots . The woman who 's been trapping with me at the bar colony trapped an adult cat today , though . So I 'm really hoping that RIT only gets one cat . . . I don 't know if they 'll have enough time to do more than two . Depends on the gender . I got a call from the woman who does the landscaping at the photo studio about a feral cat trapped in a cage left out in the heat for over an hour . She actually called the hospital first . They called me , and I told them to give her my number . Not sure how long the cat was left out there , but it was hot . I thought the woman who had been trapping was going to call me , but I ended up having to call her . She said she was going to wait until tomorrow morning to see if we had time . . . don 't know why . I just told her to give me a call as soon as possible - that 's definitely helpful ! When I went to pick up the cat , she had him in the car . The windows were rolled down , but I fear that the cat had definitely gotten overheated . I brought him over to the hospital and put him in the cool bathroom over a wet towel . I also slid a small dish of water in there for him / her . Poor cat 's tongue was sticking out when I got him , he was so hot ! We had a meeting later that afternoon , so I checked on him again , and he seemed much better . I hope no lasting damage occured due to the heat ! Unfortunately , I found out today that the woman helping me had to release the black and white kitten ! She was under the assumption that the caretaker was going to take him , but when that didn 't work out , she had nowhere for him to go ! Same as me , so I don 't blame her - I just wish we had more options for these babies ! I gave her another woman 's number , but it seems that though thPosted by I did not take any pictures of Stud in the trap . He was very angry . Very feral . He also stunk up the whole hospital . Male cat urine - blech . I 'm glad I cautioned the techs about this guy - I guess he was very difficult to anesthetize . Poor guy . I know he must have been so freaked out , not knowing what we were doing to him . But at least he is now neutered . When I drove over to return StudMuffin , I saw two of our fixed kitties hanging out . It 's such a nice feeling to know these guys won 't be contributing to any more babies . We 've got anywhere between 5 and 10 more cats to TNR at this colony . But we 're getting there ! Here 's our super friendly male - not enough to be petted , but enough to follow me around ! He was neutered less than a week ago . I 'm glad to see that he 's still around . - I made sure to arrive yesterday around the time the caregiver would be arriving with the food . I knew a bunch of the cats would come out to meet her , and I also wanted to give her a bag of cat food . I 've had these two bags of cat food in my trunk for several months without anyone to give them to . I know how expensive it must be to provide for all these cats , though , so I wanted to be able to help , even if it 's just two weeks worth of food ! I gave the other big bag of food to the Wendy 's colony caretaker on Monday night , but more about that later . . . Matching grey female kitten with a small splotch of white on her chest , trapped last night , spayed today . Talked to the caretaker of this colony - she believe there are 3 more kittens . Glad we 're getting these girls early - no more silly babies ! Remember that black and white male I talked about last week ? This is him ! I love his little goatee . He was neutered today . - When I released him , he ran across the field and then across the street - which is connected right to the highway . Very busy here . I literally gasped out loud when I saw which direction he was running . I was so afraid that a car would kill him , because he certainly wasn 't looking ! I 'm glad I took them back late at night , when traffic isn 't bad . And when it 's dark . - He obviously hangs out at Wendy 's at times , but I 'm assuming his " home " is elsewhere . Except for a tabby last year , all have taken off into the field . I don 't mind where they come from , as long as they get back in one piece ! - I also saw a tabby and white cat the night I trapped these guys . The caretaker hasn 't seen her before , so I 'm assuming she was just visiting , but hopefully she 'll visit some more when I 'm trapping ! - According to her calculations the regular colony has 3 more kittens and 2 adults needing to be trapped and altered . 1 more kitten belongs to the elusive grey and white momma and 2 kittens belong to a black momma . So , 5 more at this colony . And then all the extra visitors . - We 'll get there ! Hopefully ! I am watching the documentary " Earthlings " narrated by Joaquin Phoenix . I have to pause it and take breaks as it is such heart - wrenching content . I have broken down in tears several times now . No person should be allowed to eat animals or take a pet to the shelter without watching this documentary first . No person should be allowed to go through life without facing the fact that they are the cause for these beings ' tortured existences . They all say " I don 't want to think about it . " " I don 't want to hear about it . " And I get that . I don 't either . I want to hide in my closet and never think about it . But I make myself watch this documentary because I know there is a reason I don 't eat animals anymore . And I know there is a reason I want everyone to spay and neuter their pets . And this is why . Until you see the cows and pigs and chickens resorting to cannabilism , their throats being slit as they are shackled upside down still alive and struggling to be free , being beaten by men who feel so manly and powerful exerting this kind of control - until you watch this documentary yourself , don 't let me see you putting that chicken sandwich in your mouth . Until you see the dogs and cats being crammed into a gas chamber that takes 20 minutes of struggling and panic and fear to finally end their lives - don 't let me hear of you taking a pet to the shelter . NOTHING I SAY will ever change a person 's view . It 's sad , but I know it 's true . But a book can . And a movie can . People don 't listen to other 's words . But they respond to videos . And books . If you don 't have the time to read a book , rent a documentary . Rent " Earthlings . " You will cry , want to hide , and feel like you 'll scream at anyone who ever talks to you again because the content is so disturbing and traumatic . But I cannot take anyone seriously when they tell me I need to support my farmers , or get my calcium / protein , or THAT THEY DON ' T EVEN LIKE PIGS . If you want to tell me that using animals for our benefit is okay , watch this documentary and then get back to me . Seriously . IPosted by Well , hey there ! Who 's this ? Oh , is that Studmuffin ? I think so ! Are you coming over here , sir ? Would you like to be neutered , Studmuffin ? I think you 've fathered enough babies ! ! ! I don 't know if I 've mentioned it before , but the cats from this colony look rough . As you can tell in this picture , Stud does not look well - groomed . They 've all looked pretty shaggy . And thin . Most of them just don 't look healthy . It doesn 't seem to be lack of food - the caretaker always leaves a lot of food out . The vet tech supervisor and I were speculating the possibility of FIV / FeLV . But unless a cat comes in looking very sick , we won 't be testing . There 's really no point , since all we can do to help is spay and neuter to stop the spread of disease , which we 're already doing . Even if they did test positive , I wouldn 't want them killed just because they have the disease . So , Studmuffin seems to be quite the gentleman . Here he is waiting patiently as all the girls / younguns chow down . My little trap with the sliding rear door was set behind the dumpster , awaiting a small kitty . But as everyone was eating , the trap snapped shut of its own accord . No one was even near it . Freaked me and all the cats out . Everyone scattered . I will admit , I was sitting in my car being a sissy . I was watching them eat , and I didn 't want to disturb them , thinking THEY ARE SO HUNGRY AND IT WOULD BE SO MEAN TO SCARE THEM AWAY . But I guess my little trap knew better , because when it snapped shut , it snapped me out of my sissy state . And I got out my drop trap . After waiting a couple minutes , Stud came back and started eating under the drop trap . I hesitated , because my transfer trap is smaller than the other ones . I didn 't want to trap him and have him escape . But I decided to go ahead , since you never know when another chance will come along . After almost escaping by lifting the drop trap up ( even with my heavy anchor ) and biting a small hole in the netting of the drop trap , I was able to transfer him to the regular trap . He was not happy , but I covered him quiPosted by |
It seemed to me restaurant work held the most promise , because of the free food and the waitresses . I thought , if I washed dishes , I 'd earn a few bucks and get to know a few waitresses , and maybe one thing would lead to another , more interesting thing . That wasn 't exactly how it worked out , but it was my plan at the time . The first place I applied was Marcy 's . When I met Marcy , I thought she might be sort of hard - bitten , with the tattoos and gold teeth and everything . But she was actually pretty nice . Her husband , an ex - convict named Ed , was the problem . That was not what I had expected . And anyway , I was driving this old Ford Escort at the time and the starter was going on it , so I never knew if it was going to start again . I had left the Escort running in the driveway of Marcy 's . I just chuckled , and went out and parked the car and turned it off . Of course , I had to get one of my neighbors to come jump me later , when I got off duty , because that was the day the starter went out for real . But I also knew I 'd have a paycheck coming . Ed could be hard to deal with when the place got busy . He 'd come in screaming , " Where 's my dishwasher ! " and half the staff would be out in back , cigarettes hanging from their lips , cell phones pressed against their ears . I 'd be the only one in the kitchen . When the inspector was on the way - for some reason in Florida , there were no real surprise inspections - Marcy and Ed both would go into overdrive . She 'd be marching around with her hands on her plump hips , gold teeth flashing as she shouted commands . He 'd be stinking . It was 105 degrees over the stove . It was almost hell . I quit Marcy 's the day I heard there was an opening down the street . I told Ed , and I gave him two weeks notice , but he made me leave immediately . I mean , he didn 't even give me time to say goodbye to Lucy or get my jacket or anything , just heave - ho out the door . He was angry , and the anger made him smell worse . Donna 's was a little bigger and a lot cleaner than Marcy 's . I thought Donna might be a problem , with her dyed black hair and the tattoo on her neck . But she was actually pretty nice . After I 'd worked there a couple of weeks , a shipment of pumpkin pie came in . Frank started screaming at the truck driver . " It 's squash ! " he shouted , as the delivery man scrambled backwards into his truck . " How can you call this pie ? It 's made of fucking squash ! " I watched as Frank paced back and forth , back and forth , like a caged hyena in the little kitchen area . Waitresses who came into the kitchen and saw him just walked out again . A couple of them gave me sideways looks , like saying , for God 's sake get out of here . But I was still fascinated . Donna came in just then , and she looked at me with her accusing little eyes . She had the smallest eyes I 've ever seen on a living human being , and both of them way around on the sides of her head , so it made you wonder if she could read or drive or anything . Her eyes gave her a fish - like appearance , and her fleshy lips didn 't help . And the tattoo of an anchor on her neck didn 't help either . " Hey , I didn 't say anything , " I said . " The delivery driver set him off . Something about the P - I - E - S . " Well as you know , I was trying to meet women , which was the main reason I 'd been taking these cook jobs instead of like construction or something . You don 't meet women on construction jobs . Not many straight women . There was one cute waitress at Donna 's , a girl about 19 named Mona . She was kind of skinny , but always flirting with all the men in the place , customers , even me . Mona had that skin disease where there was no pigment on part of her face , which gave her sort of the look of a spotted puppy . The white spot was in the shape of lopsided lip prints , right on her cheek , and she stayed real tan all the time , so the white looked even whiter . I had a crush on Mona for a long time - well , for all three weeks I worked there - but I couldn 't quite get up my nerve to ask her out . Then one day I decided this was it , now or never . I knew she was working late , so I left at my regular time and then came back at closing time . I couldn 't think of anything else to do , so I grabbed my eyes and pretended to be stumbling around . " I got soap in my eyes ! " I said , bumping into the door . " Is anybody here ? I need help ! " I heard Mona giggle and say , " Shhh " and Frank said nothing , and I kept up my charade all the way out the door and into the parking lot . Where I said , " Shit . " Because I knew what was going to happen . " Yeah , " I said , and I thought , if that 's what you call it . " OK . I 'll be back on Monday for my check . " " What 's this ? " I asked . Donna explained that the cost of my special t - shirts that said " Donna 's Gourmet Grill " and my special non - skid shoes were being deducted . " OK , " I said . " I 've enjoyed working here . See you around town , Donna . And Frank , " I said , " I 'll see you around the pumpkin patch . " Sometimes Susy 's husband Jimmy would be there . He was a pretty nice guy - kind of whipped , if you know what I mean . But pretty nice . " You know , you learn this stuff and some day you could open up your own place , " Jimmy would say to me . " I never thought I 'd have my own place . But here I am . " Jessamine was from Bulgaria or Hungary or something , probably undocumented , and she had curves in all the right places . She had this bad stammer , where she 'd get stuck on one syllable and keep saying it over and over and over . Plus , she barely spoke any English . So in some ways , she was like the dream date . Jessamine was the second one to get there , at around 6 a . m . She had a key . She always seemed so happy to see me , and she 'd try to talk to me . " So early you c - c - c - c - c … " she would say . I smiled and nodded a lot . I really liked Jessamine , but I was too shy to tell her that . Once , when she was stammering , I touched a finger to her lips to silence her . She froze and we stared at each other . There was something there , allright , some kind of chemistry . I thought maybe my plan was going to work , and I was going to find the girlfriend of my dreams at one of these cheesy central Florida eateries . But that was not to be . I tried to cover my bases at Bagels and More . When I first started there , I told them I planned to stay indefinitely , perhaps even make a career of greeting the 4 : 30 a . m . delivery truck and then waiting on the little loading dock for the beautiful Jessamine to arrive . I didn 't want them to think I was going to bolt as soon as I found a job offering 5 cents more an hour , although I probably would have . I also scoped out Mr . and Mrs . Bagel to be sure there was no hanky panky going on that was going to put me in a compromising situation , like the Frank - the - veteran 's hanky panky had at the last place . As far as I could tell , nobody in their right mind was going to hanky or panky with Susy , the Ice Queen . And her husband Jimmy … he seemed preoccupied with the business , and not very confident . Like , for instance , he didn 't seem to even notice Jessamine . Jessamine 's laugh was like the silver tinkle of bells in a little chapel on a hillside in Bulgaria , or Romania , wherever her homeland was . I could never remember . But I loved to hear her laugh . And then I got it . Jimmy was skimming money from the books . It explained a lot . His wife was constantly complaining about how they weren 't making any money , despite the steady stream of regular bagel customers coming in and huge volume of the chewy , fresh - baked treats going out . Not long after Jessamine told me her secret , I showed up for work one morning to find the entire Bagels and More building was just a smoking hole in the ground . The fire truck was there , and so was Susy , her bun slightly askew , her face smoky and tear - streaked . Jimmy was there too , looking kind of embarrassed , like he was trying to look more upset than he really was . " Looks like the electric ignition for one of the ovens stuck in the ' ON ' position , " the firefighter was saying . Susy sobbed . You could almost feel sorry for her , although she was generally the most unsympathetic woman I 've ever met . I tried to leave with my head up . I walked with some dignity to my car , not cursing or weeping or anything , and I got in and tried to drive away . But by then I had that crappy Pontiac Sunfire with the bad fuel pump , and it wouldn 't start . So I kicked the passenger side door a few times and walked home . I never saw Jessamine again . I could never figure out how to find her , or if she just got spooked when she saw the building was burnt down , or what . I thought she 'd turn up at another restaurant somewhere , some day . I still look for her whenever I go to restaurants in the greater Central Florida area . So after that , I stopped working at restaurants . I tried telemarketing , then janitorial work , and then finally got a job here at Pet Palace . It 's a puppy mill , for sure , but I like the animals and they like me . Although the store chimp did try to bite me once as I changed its diaper . And for a while last January , I had the privilege of reviewing my romantic history of Florida restaurant work every day when the mail arrived . I had a letter from Marcy . One from Donna . One from Susy . There were five locks on the door . The brass deadbolt and key locks , the chain locks , the wooden crossbeam . I always slept with all five of them secured . Joy no longer locked her door at all . " It 's doesn 't matter , Mom , " she said . " They will come if they want to . " One night the month before , exhausted from trying helping a woman give birth , after neighbors had carried away both the heavy body and the tiny one , Joy had fallen asleep at my kitchen table , her head on her folded arms . And I had locked all five of my locks , locked her inside with me . I had slept well , knowing my own baby was as safe as I could make her , for one night . I unwrapped the blanket and lay 7 - year - old Hiram on the table . He was unconscious . I could see many broken ribs , a broken jaw , a mangled arm . He had lost a lot of blood . His heartbeat was a quivering whisper in his pale , crushed chest . He would not survive . This town never had a hospital , and there was no way to get him to another town . Tears began to drip down the big man 's face . " I 'm not taking him up to Lookout , Doc . I won 't do it ! No member of my family … " " Of course not , Hank , " I said , putting an arm around his broad but bony shoulder . " Don 't you even think about that now . Just make him comfortable . " Hank would bury his son in his own backyard , and the next - door neighbor would help him dig the grave . I knew . That 's how it had become in Garden Grove , when children died . " Wait . " I took a book from the bookshelf , pulled a tiny box from behind it , shook the pills out into my hand . There were eleven left . " Here , " I said , giving him one . " If Hiram wakes up , and you can get him to eat or drink anything , try to get this down him . It will help him feel better . I … wish I could do more . " I got dressed . I had taken to wearing Joy 's dresses , because my pants would no longer stay up around my waist . The dresses flapped around me like sheets on a clothesline . After years of fighting to reach a healthy weight , I had found a diet that worked : starvation . I chuckled . I had worked at the Wal - Mart , ever since my husband died , many years before the cloud . It had never been enough to support all three of us . So in the last year , I 'd been taking classes at night school to become a pharmacist . The college was in another town . It might as well have been as far away as the yellow full moon that glowed over Garden Grove that night . But I was glad for the little medical training I 'd had time to receive . The town had once had four real doctors ; they were gone now . Missing , like half the people in town . No one knew if they were killed at once by the cloud , or crushed by trees like little Hiram , or if they were slowly dying of the poisoning , holed up behind locked doors . Or maybe they were up with the ghosts on Lookout Mountain , already dead and gone . Light filtering through the green leaves , one leaf dancing back and forth in the breeze , showing its silvery underside , mesmerizing , soothing , the pulse of life . The wind sweetened by the scent of the trees , the wonderful rustling whisper of the branches … water trickles from a nearby waterfall . Begins splashing louder . Unlocking the five locks , I was already arguing with her . " Oh , please , you know I hate those meetings . What 's the point ? We all know the score . " The neighborhood meeting was a dozen gaunt people collapsed onto folding chairs in the school basement . Shadows from the three huge beeswax candles scampered across the pale green enamel - painted walls . Markham , a man with a serious - sounding cough and smudgy glasses , presided . Some of those in the audience did not seem to know where they are . They ran their hands through dirty , too - long hair . Some stared at the floor for the entire meeting . One woman appeared to be crying softly . " We have 62 days of food left in the common can collection , " Markham said . " That means we 're in pretty good shape for now , but 62 days in not really a long time . Food remains our biggest concern . " Markham had written notes on blue index cards , having prepared solemnly for this meeting . He was our leader , although no one knew his first name . He was the new mayor , in much the way I was the new doctor . The roadblock was made of abandoned and donated cars and trucks . Not much point in owning a vehicle , once the gas was gone . My own Buick was in the pile at the south end of town . Jonathan 's new purple Pontiac , the one he bought with his grease - stained paychecks from the fried chicken place , saving all though the summer before his senior year in high school - the Pontiac stood upright , wedged between the video store owner 's Cadillac and his principal 's old Volvo . My son 's old car helped guard the east end of town . " People ! " Markham said , to restore order . " Please , people . I know you 're interested in how we 're doing . Let me finish my report . " He shuffled his index cards , coughed ominously , and leaned closer to the candle on the long table before him . In the shadows , the circles beneath his eyes grew , giving him a skeletal and somewhat more commanding affect . The audience grew silent . " We remain without electric power or telephone service . Bill Watson , who was a ham radio operator , is missing , and no one else in town has been able to figure out how to operate his radio equipment . If any of you knows anything about radios , or someone who does , please contact me at once . " After the cloud , when the trees came down , so did the power lines , and the phone lines . People had rushed about to repair them , but by the next day , there were not enough healthy repairmen to do the work . The only real progress Garden Grove made was in the first 24 hours . After that , almost everyone who had had direct contact with the powder became nauseous , sweaty , had seizures . One by one , and sometimes four and five at a time , they had dropped dead . Markham scanned the room again , growing breathless . His official posture was exhausting to this man , who had perhaps once been handsome , with clear blue eyes behind the bleary glasses , and a trim mustache . He fought to finish his stack of index cards . " Do not trust the tap water , and do not drink from the river . " He pointed vaguely to a poster on the wall that listed these rules . " Do not burn the contaminated wood for fuel . Wash everything that touches the blue - green powder before you use it . I cannot emphasize that enough . " I pumped my own water from the well in the yard . Without water from the deep artesian wells , the town 's survivors would have died in a few days . Instead , we had been privileged to struggle through months , slowly starving . " Is there any hope at all ? " It was a pasty middle - aged woman with large , bulging eyes , her face flushed , angry . Her expression was that of a desperate walrus . Markham tried to be soothing . " Of course there is hope , Mrs . Ingerson , " he said . " We have the hope that there is still life outside Garden Grove and Middleport Township and Iroquois County . We have sent crews to check . " She would not be placated . " Why aren 't you as sick as the rest of us ? You and your daughter . You have some pills you 're taking that are keeping you alive , don 't you ? Pills you won 't share with the rest of the town ? Don 't you , Doc ? Don 't you ? " " That 's my whole secret . And I knew enough not to touch the powder , not to burn the wood . I wash everything . I might not have been exposed as much as you were . " She waited , afraid to meet my eyes , then spoke . " Do you have anything left to use as anesthetic ? I want to do a procedure I 've never done without anesthetic . I don 't know if I can keep him … still enough . " I thought of the 10 pills I had left , my assurance of a swift , painless death . I nodded . " I can let you have a few Vicodins . " Joy was 16 now , but probably as old as she would ever live to be . She had planned to be a nurse . Now she was like the rest of us : she could be whatever she chose . She 'd washed her patients and her house with betadine , from the last cases of the disinfectant I could find . She had set up three beds in her apartment , and in each one , someone was dying . Two of her patients were the children of friends , one brain damaged from a tree accident . She gave them antibiotics , shared her food with them . " I know you think what I do is pointless , Mom , " she said softly . " I know I can 't really save anyone . My patients all die . " " No , it 's not pointless , not at all , " I replied , lifting her chin , so her eyes met mine . " My patients all die , too . I just don 't know how you can stand to watch them die . " At high noon the following day , I visited her during the surgery . A man was strapped tightly to her kitchen table , positioned beneath the skylight , grimacing as he bit down on a towel . Old Carmen , a deaf - mute woman who lived next door , wiped the man 's forehead with cool water . A tourniquet had squeezed off the blood supply to the man 's thigh . A turkey carving knife stood nearby , which she had used to cut through ligaments at the knee . I felt relief at having missed that part of the operation . I had no stomach for this . I could dress wounds , prescribe pills . But Joy had gone way beyond that , and now tried anything she thought would work . She had left a skin flap , had used my precious betadine to disinfect , and was placing the last of the silk sutures on the main arteries . She frowned in concentration over her paper mask , consulting a medical book she had carefully disinfected and wrapped in a plastic dry cleaner bag . She would try to stop the bleeding , wrap the wounded area tightly in a bandage , and hope for the best . " Why do this , Joy ? Why put this man through this , to live a few more weeks ? " I asked . " The chance of infection is so great , the pain he 's going to feel without any drugs when he wakes up … " I looked at the grimacing , sweating face , surrounded by the sheets we used as surgical drapes . So it was . Mr . Talman , her 6th grade music teacher , unrecognizably thin now , like everyone else . Only Mr . Talman had liked both my children , had recognized and appreciated their native talent . Of all their teachers , only he was proud of their accomplishments . Only he had said to Joy , " I hope you are just like your older brother . " The thought of Jonathan brought a stab of longing . I could not believe I would never see him again . I told myself I would have the courage to check for a message that night , when it was dark again . I had noticed later that blue - green dust had somehow filtered into the garage through air leaks around the door , had covered the drum skins with a fine blue - green glow , had settled on the rafters . But he was the strongest of our family . He 'd showed no signs of poisoning , although his weight began to drop after weeks with little food . Jonathan 's friends Stosh and Joey , part of his tight clique since elementary school , had been in the garage too . After the cloud , I had made each one shower and scrub and throw away the clothes they had been wearing , giving them some of Jonathan 's clothes from the dryer instead . Stosh had walked home to find his parents dissolved in their car , parked in the driveway . Joey 's mother had never been heard from again . The town 's two pharmacists were dead or missing . Looters had already broken in and stolen all the mind - altering drugs from the drugstores on Main Street , and I didn 't want to see the antibiotics go to waste . The boys had nodded with guilty glee . I left Joy 's house , and checked carefully for marauders before I walked the 50 feet to my door . In the far distance , there was a crash like thunder , followed by a rolling , rolling sigh . I knew it was not thunder . It was another tree . When the sound had stopped reverberating , I heard a faint , exquisite melody . Joy , her apron still spattered with blood , up on the second floor , sitting at Mr . Talman 's bedside , playing Mozart . Eine Kleine Nachtmusik . A little night music . I had to step around a dead body on the sidewalk , which had been decomposing for several days now . An elderly woman , I thought , as I passed , holding my breath against the stench . All of Garden Grove smelled that way . Eventually , the living had almost stopped noticing . As I turned into my doorway , I noticed I was not alone . At the entrance to the alley , a man stood , his back to me . He was smoking a cigarette . I stared at him in disbelief , and he turned and grinned a gap - toothed grin , acknowledging the unusual moment . There had been no cigarettes in Garden Grove for months now . I quit smoking five days after the cloud , when the last of my rationed smokes ran out . So did everyone else in town . The man was clutching a whole red and white pack of Marlboros , and gleefully waved them at me . I didn 't even ask where he found them . I gratefully pulled one from the pack , pressed the tip to his lit cigarette , and inhaled deeply . The pungent smoke touched a place deep in my lungs that had longed for that special caress . I climbed the trellis to my rooftop , one shaky step at a time . Walking was harder every day now , and climbing was hardest of all . The Marlboro had made me dizzy and giddy . But the rooftop was the only place I could get word from Jonathan . I hadn 't been up there for many weeks . The sky was black and silent , but sounds floated up from the street , people sobbing , swearing , glass breaking . It was always like that at night . I crouched low , until I could smell the still - sunwarmed black asphalt under my ragged Nikes , not wanting to be seen . I peered inside the wire coop . Nothing . Just the faint odor of old feathers and droppings , and a handful of seeds scattered undisturbed , in the same configuration as when I first dropped them . " I 'll send you messages this way , " he had said . " Check the coop to see if they 're back yet . Look for a blue capsule attached to a bird 's leg , like this . And when they get back , don 't forget to throw in some seed and change their water once in a while . " The boys had hatched a plan . Stosh and Joey had built the raft of PVC pipe and nylon cord , available for free now at the Kerner 's Tru Value hardware store . The perimeter of the raft was ringed with plastic milk jugs half - filled with clean well water . They could replace the drinking water with river water , as they traveled , to keep the raft stable . The highways were far too dangerous , they had decided - but April had been dry , and the river was at the bottom of a steep ravine . It was almost a straight shot through to the next state . Maybe there was still civilization there , maybe fuel . Maybe food . They had known there would be places where trees had fallen across the river , blocking the path . " You might have to portage at some points , " I 'd warned them . " You might have to drag some dead branches out of the way . " The raft was lightweight and waterproof and strong . They could sleep on it , taking turns to keep watch for marauders . They could travel for a few weeks like that , living on the canned food I had held back out of the community can collection . " I 'm on a diet , " Stosh added . The other two had punched him good - naturedly . This was an adventure for them . At 17 , they were too full of life to die , just yet . Jonathan had let me hug him for a long time , pressing my face against the flannel of his shirt , once more before he left . We 'd both known it might be the last time ever . But the boys had been eager to set forth and save the world . I had always known I would have to let him go some day . And I 'd known I couldn 't keep him safe at home - no one could , with so few days of food left . After a sleepless night , I had decided to let him go . His odds were not good either way . He had already lost so much weight . He might as well go down fighting , I 'd thought , before he became a walking shade like everyone else in Ghost Town Grove . The first pigeon had arrived back home just nine days after the boys left . Inside the blue capsule was a message , scribbled in Jonathan 's cramped handwriting . " We are fine . Looks like lights up ahead . We will be careful . " My hands had begun to shake , reading that message . What people ? Healthy people who heard about Garden Grove 's plight and had decided to try to get help through ? Or hungry , desperate people who would murder the naive boys in their sleep , to steal their remaining rations ? For the next several nights , I 'd climbed to the roof and sat hunched in the darkness next to the empty coop , scanning the skies for the sight of a pigeon . Nothing . Planes no longer flew overhead . It must have been a very wide cloud . I 'd cooked the pigeon there on a spit . I was so hungry . Joy would have no part of the greasy meat . My body had reacted badly the next day , unable to digest the bird . I knew when I looked at the remaining Vicodin pills , and decided to give them to Joy , to help her ease someone 's suffering , instead of ending my own . She had known as I handed them over that it was my last day . She allowed me the dignity of not having to say a real goodbye . I thought of Joy , and how she would carry on . Not forever , because her own strength was fading fast . But she would survive me . As children should survive their parents . I walked the path up Lookout Mountain , smiling faintly at the way we still called the stubby glacial ridge a mountain . Dust under my feet turned from gray to blue - green , as I got closer to the central contamination site . Just a few people stirring . A woman sitting in a pit , crying , praying . There was a boulder at the edge of the pit . I set my camp chair there , leaning against the warm pink granite , and rummaged through my bag of provisions . My wool shawl , my old harmonica , a canteen of well water , a picture of my children years ago smiling from the window of their tree house . A book , Walden Pond , because of the courage , the beautiful imagery . Thoreau 's words seemed the right note to end upon . I would not lie down in the chemicals of my own free will . I didn 't know if it was painful . I didn 't want to know . Meanwhile , I would sit in the gentle spring sun , inches above the contamination , smile at my memories , listen to the river coursing by , and be at peace . I had tried . I had done all that I could do . Behind her , five rafts , made of PVC pipes lashed together , were tied end to end , forming a long barge . The rafts were piled high ; under the clear plastic tarps , I could see boxes of what look like bananas , canned food , toilet paper , boxes marked with red crosses . A lithe , sunburnt figure with a recognizable face stood at the fore of the first raft . Stosh . |
Heaven Thunders The TruthBy K . J . ParkerIssue # 157 , Sixth Anniversary Double - Issue , October 2 , 2014EBookSubscribeWeightless BooksKindle StoreePubMobi PrcPDFI was sure I 'd come to the right place when I saw the hands nailed to the doorpost . I sighed . It shows the right spirit , I suppose , but there 's no actual need for it . There was no door - board . I walked in . Naturally , coming in out of the bright sun , I was as blind as a bat . " You sent for me , " I said , to nobody in particular . I turned in his direction . He was looking me over . " I know , " I said , " I 'm very young . But we 've all got to start somewhere . " He was frowning , so I thought I 'd better do a trick quickly . If you can 't grab their confidence straight away , it makes it all so much more difficult . So I sent the snake . There was a big earthenware jar in the far corner , covered with a cloth . She crawled in under it , and I saw the jar was half - full of cornmeal . Not a lot to go on , so I told the snake to burrow deep , on the off - chance . It 's depressing how many old people keep their valuables buried in the corn jar . We , I mean thieves , know it 's the first place to look . " Let me see , " I said . " It 's ivory , about a finger and a half long , quite old , carved in the shape of a leopard sleeping on the branch of a tree . Worth about ten oxen . There 's marks on one end , I 'm not quite sure what they are . No , hang on , they 're teeth - marks . A kid got hold of it at some point and chewed it . " Ah . I 'd got him . " My father , " he said . " When he was four years old . His mother hit his head so hard he was always slightly deaf in one ear , the rest of his life . " He paused . " Sit down , " he said . There was one stool ; three - legged , crude work . I sat down . The snake wanted to explore behind the jar - mice , presumably - but I called her back ; she slithered up my arm and in through my ear . I shook my head . " Not when I 'm working . " The snake was looking round . It saw - well , the usual . Nothing helpful , at any rate . " Well , " I said , " you 're not being haunted , and you 're not ill . What 's the problem ? " He grinned . " I was wrong about you , " he said , " you 're a good lad . Honest , " he added , incorrectly , as it happens . But he wasn 't to know . " I think I can trust you . " You can see the difficulty , can 't you ? Ninety - nine times out of a hundred , the daughter in question is no more bewitched than my left foot , she 's just that age , or she 's fed up with being bossed around by her bloody stupid old father . So ; she 's not bewitched , therefore I can 't unbewitch her , so I do nothing and the father goes around telling people I 'm useless . Unscrupulous members of my profession deal with situations like that by sending their snakes in the poor girl 's ear and messing with her head , making her helplessly obedient . Sorry , but I won 't do that . I don 't know , maybe they 're right and I 'm just too young ; I haven 't started thinking like an old man , who 'd see nothing wrong with it . " In what way ? " I said . " I found her a good husband . She wants to marry this young piece of shit . " He shrugged . " She 's never been difficult before . It 's his family . They 're none of them any good . They must 've got a doctor to bewitch her . " I smiled . " A doctor capable of bewitching a dutiful girl into disobeying her father , which is an incredibly difficult thing to do , trust me , would want at least ten head . I was just wondering how the young piece of shit could have afforded that . " Scowl . " Maybe the wizard is one of his relatives , I don 't know . I wouldn 't be surprised . They 're all garbage , the lot of them . " My smile broadened . It was lucky for the old man I don 't practice my trade for free , or he 'd have spent the rest of the day rolling on the floor clutching his guts . " If one of them was a wizard capable of performing that level of enchantment , he 'd be a rich man , " I said . " Stands to reason . " He peered at me through the smoke , which was making his eyes water , and I could tell he 'd caught me out in the fallacy . Namely ; that all competent wizards are rich . You claim to be a competent wizard , his eyes said , and look at you . True enough . But then , I 'm still young . That made him laugh . " You 'll be lucky , " he said . " I don 't know where she is . I shut her up in the hut this morning and put an old woman outside to keep her in , but she cut a hole in the reeds and climbed out the back . Like I told you , she 's bewitched . " I yawned , to give the snake a chance to crawl in through my mouth . " There 's a little lean - to shack , " I said , " next to the shed where you store your shields . Inside the shack there 's a pile of old furs and pelts , the ones your wives told you had been eaten by ants and were ruined , but they 've put them aside to sell to the trader for beads , which you 're too mean to buy for them . She 's lying under the furs , waiting for midday , when everyone 's in the shade and she can sneak out without being seen . She 's having a real job not sneezing , because of the dust . " We sleep a lot , in our profession . We have to . For one thing , living with the snake - just being alive , with the snake inside you - is exhausting , like carrying a six - gallon pot on your head wherever you go . I feel the weight of her whenever I stand up , it 's a sort of shock in the knee - joints . No wonder so many of us are cripples by the time we 're thirty . Mostly , though , we sleep so we can dream . My old master - a fool , actually , but he 'd heard a lot of wise things from his peers , who weren 't fools - used to tell me that a doctor is asleep when he 's awake and awake when he 's asleep . I take this to mean that to us , the world you people live in is as insubstantial and illusory as the places you go in dreams are to you , while our dreams take us - well , home . Not sure I 'd agree with that , but I 'm too young to have an opinion . It 's the dead , of course , who give you the best advice , and why we 're so very reluctant to take it , I really don 't know . Take this business with the bewitched girl and the young piece of shit , for example . Only the night before , I dreamed of my old master 's old master - for some reason he 's taken a liking to me , though we never met , of course , he died before I was born ; but I guess it 's like the bond you often get between grandparent and grandchild . His own pupil , of course , was a bitter disappointment to him . He laughed . He has this way of drawing back the corners of his mouth when he laughs , like a dog baring its teeth . It gives me the creeps , but I rather like it . I 've tried it myself , but it makes me look silly . " I 'm an old man , " he said , " I forget things . " He sighed . " I wish I 'd had someone like me when I was your age , " he said . " To do all my work for me . " " Watch out for the broken spear - blade in the sand , " he said . " And remember , in this case , your worst suspicions will be justified . All right ? " Maybe the old man was going deaf . " I warned her , " he said . " I told her , if I catch you one more time sneaking out to wipe the axe with that worthless little turd , I 'll kill you . She just doesn 't listen . It must be witchcraft . " I felt the snake wriggle uncomfortably inside my head . I know , I told her , but what can you do ? " I was thinking , " I said . " I imagine you were looking for a dowry of , what , thirty , thirty - five head , which is what you stand to lose unless I can get rid of the spell . So in the circumstances , I 'd say five head was perfectly reasonable , wouldn 't you say ? " Other doctors don 't negotiate . Other doctors are , of course , older , with impressive reputations . " They 're taking a long time , " he said suspiciously . " Are you sure she was in the shack ? " Fortunately , that was her cue to arrive , escorted none too gently by two of the herdsmen . We were sitting outside by now , in the sun ; I 'd had enough of the smoke and the smell of curds , so I 'd told him it 's easier to smell witchcraft outside in the fresh air . Which is true , incidentally . Which I proceeded to do . That didn 't take long . She was just an ordinary girl , nothing special ; it made me wonder why the young piece of shit was bothered enough to risk a spear in the back on a dark night , but presumably it was love or something like that . She was nice enough , if you like them round - faced and flat - chested . I was rather more interested in the two men with her . One of them , of course , I recognised . The other one , a boy of about seventeen , was in fact slightly the more impressive of the two . They wore grey fur karosses , as though they were on a journey , and each of them held a spear and a kerry . The younger man 's spearhead was broken . I don 't think they realised I 'd seen them . That 's an advantage of being young and not looking the part . Go on , I told the snake , and she slipped out of my ear and down my arm . The girl was giving me a mildly hostile stare , as though I wasn 't really important enough to be worth hating . " He 's wasting his time , " she said to her father . " There 's nothing wrong with me , except I 've got a pig for a father . " The snake came back and whispered inside my head , and I thought ; Oh dear . This is going to get unpleasant quite soon , and I 'm not going to get paid . I 'll confess that I did consider lying for a moment or so , until the snake started hissing furiously and making my head hurt . Fair enough . The truth it would have to be . Unfortunate for the girl and the old man , but that wasn 't my fault . And if they 'd wanted to me to tell lies for them , they should 've shown me a little more respect . So , as soon as the snake had quietened down enough so that I could hear myself think , I turned to the old man and said , " I 've got some good news for you . First , she 's not carrying on with the young piece of shit , no matter what impression she 's been trying to give you . The young man - " I was guessing a bit here , but I knew I couldn 't be far out - " is in fact a friend of her brother , and he 's been pretending he 's screwing your daughter as a favour to his friend 's memory . I don 't know this for a fact , but I 'm guessing they were in the same regiment , and your son was killed . Yes ? " No reply , therefore no contradiction . Fine . " The young piece of shit , " I went on , " is acting in this noble and honourable fashion so that you 'll believe that the child she 's carrying is his . It isn 't , of course . I 'm sorry to have to tell you that the child 's father was your late son . However , " I went on , raising my voice over the low moans that everybody started making at once , " the other good news is that this girl is not guilty of incest , since she and your son had different mothers , and you aren 't her father . " " Her true father , " I went on , " is the one we aren 't allowed to name , who died on the river - bank , among the tall reeds . So you see , " I went on quickly , " there hasn 't been any witchcraft here , so there 's nothing for me to smell out or put right , so in the circumstances I 'm prepared to waive my fee and say nothing more about it , and I would suggest you do the same . I think I 'll go now , " I added , getting to my feet . " Have a nice day . " I don 't know why we human beings profess to place such a high value on the truth . First of all , we don 't . Value it , I mean . In fact , we all lie through our teeth all the time , we 're the only animals that practice deceit with anything like that level of sophistication , which I guess is why the snake gets so upset whenever I 'm tempted to bend the truth a little . Second ; in my experience , nine times out of ten the truth only makes things worse , sometimes disastrously so . As in that case . And yet we profess to believe that the truth is the most valuable thing of all , to the extent that the king is always called Heaven - Thunders - The - Truth ; we call him that , to his face , because of course we aren 't allowed to say his name . Mind you , I think the old fool was completely unreasonable . If I 'd been him , I think I might have taken a degree of pride in the fact that my daughter - all right , my adopted daughter - was of royal blood , even if her father was a traitor who got what he deserved , and not a moment too soon . Also , my professional ethics and a ridiculously conscientious snake in my head may oblige me to tell the truth , but he and his people suffered from no such burden . The whole thing could 've been hushed up easily enough , and no harm done . Here 's a curious fact for you . Nothing in the world feels quite like the two coils of flattened wire they wind round the base of a spear - shaft , presumably to stop the wood splitting as it dries . Maybe it wouldn 't be so distinctive applied to your hand , say , but when you feel it on your neck , just below the ear , you know immediately what it is . You also have a pretty good idea what 's going on . It means the king wants to see you . " All right , " I muttered through a mouthful of sleep , " I heard you the first time . " You genuinely don 't know if he 's trying to be funny , or whether he isn 't actually aware of how a royal summons is carried out . He must know , surely . But in that case , why pretend otherwise ? Actually , I quite like him ; the Great Elephant , Heaven - Thunders - The - Truth , He - Who - Eats - Up - The - World . He has shrewd , sad eyes and he speaks quite quietly . He 's the sort of man who , if he was someone else and you met him at a wedding or a clan meeting or something , you 'd think , here 's someone worth talking to . Everybody he ever meets is scared stiff of him , of course - me included , it goes without saying - and with very good reason . I imagine he 's equally terrified , all the time . On the whole , I 'd say he copes better than most people would . Another trick he has is saying something like that and then shutting up , dead quiet , and sitting there perfectly still , looking at you . Naturally , you feel you 've got to say something just to break the silence , before it drowns the entire world . And anything you say will , of course , be tactless , disrespectful , wrong and held against you for the rest of your painfully short life . But I was dog tired - the snake bounces about in my head when I run , and it feels like it weighs as much as a grown man - and I couldn 't be bothered . But then , I have the inestimable advantage of not fearing death . Well , not much . " Several , " I said , without thinking . He looked at me ; mild surprise , more than anything else . Several - six , to be precise , and he had them all killed . And quite right , too . He nodded slowly , as if what I 'd said was the crucial deciding factor in a momentous decision . I caught sight of something out of the corner of my eye and quickly identified it with my peripheral vision . Then I woke up the snake and told her to get busy . What a question . How was I supposed to know ? Incredibly fortunate , therefore , that the king 's dead brother was now standing behind him , looking over his shoulder , with a look of mild disdain on his face . I lifted my head and caught his eye . He nodded . " Liar . " He said the word gently , the way a dog puts a dead bird in your hand . " He 's still alive . I want you to find him . " Behind his shoulder , a brisk shake of the head and a ferocious scowl . I risked a wink . " Of course . Straight away . I 'll do my very best . " There were two of them now ; his late majesty the prince , and his wretched daughter , who of course I 'd seen before . She was nursing a baby in her arms , as if to drive the point home . The snake , of course , was no help . She 'd curled round the girl 's ankle and was rubbing her head against her leg . Sometimes I swear that snake thinks it 's a dog . " When you 've found him , " the king went on , " come straight here and tell me . You 'll be admitted right away , any time , day or night . You will not tell anybody about what we 've talked about . " You back out of the king 's presence , keeping your eyes fixed on him until he can no longer see you . As I retreated , I heard something scuttling overhead in the thatch . The other royal personage nodded to me just as I was about to heave myself out through the door - hole . I left the two of them together . Enjoy , I thought . The guards outside , who 'd brought me there , gave me a cold stare as though they 'd never seen me before . I walked home , quickly . My feet hurt . There are worse lives , believe me . Shorter lives , too . I had six brothers , and now there 's only me . My brothers went off when they got their call - up , and I never saw them alive again . They tell me they made a good end , in a splendid battle which we won , and they 're quite happy and satisfied . Don 't feel sorry for us , they say , we 're sorry for you , stuck behind there in that rotten place . They , so they tell me , are soldiers in the army of Heaven . Fine . The snake found me when I was eight years old , bathing in the river . She must 've been lying on the bottom , dead still , pretending to be a root or a stick ; I didn 't see her . She glided up through the water and slowly coiled herself around my trunk - I remember , I was so scared I couldn 't move or struggle , all I thought was , I hope it won 't hurt too much being crushed to death . You can tell I was never very bright , even as a child . Hello , she said in my head . I 'm not going to hurt you . I 'm going to be your friend . There 's nothing to be afraid of . At that age , of course , you don 't know how to keep your thoughts separate from talking - to - the - snake . I don 't want to be a wizard , I thought . I want to be a soldier like my brothers . Fool , she said kindly . In ten years ' time all your brothers will be dead . So would you have been , without me . I 've saved your life . You should be grateful . Oh , I thought ; and that was all , really . I accepted my brothers ' deaths , then and there , and I never said anything to them . Will I have to go away and live with a smelly old man in a cave ? It wasn 't getting any better . I 'd seen a doctor once , and I 'd been terrified - as intended , naturally . Suddenly I had a picture of me as a terrifying , smelly old man , with bits of bone and skin and bladder sewn into in my tangled hair . I was grinning , and everybody was scared to death of me . All right , I thought , I can be that . Fool , she said again . It 's not like that at all . I 'm going to make you clever and wise . Don 't you want to be clever ? As I said , I was a particularly stupid child . Half - wit , my mother called me ; here , Half - wit , fetch the water , wipe your nose , stir this . It 'd 've been much better if I was clever . But wizards don 't marry and have wives and children , I thought . That 's a bad thing . I 'm not sure why , but it is . I could feel her shifting round in my head , like a dog making a nest in a blanket before it goes to sleep . Are you afraid of death ? She asked . She sort of flexed her coils , and I could feel them pressing against the inside of my skull . I probably made some sort of whimpering noise , but she ignored me . It will , she said , believe me . Listen , I 'm about to start making you clever . Death is nothing , it isn 't important . It only matters because the people who are left behind , the people who love the person who dies , are very unhappy . In fact , it 's the worst unhappiness there is . But a wizard can see and hear dead people just like seeing and hearing the living . You can talk to them any time you like . That 's the most wonderful thing , love without loss ; because love should be the best thing in the world , but because you lose the people you love , love is the worst thing ; it hurts more than anything else , it 's an enemy to be avoided at all costs unless you want to spend most of your life in pain . Except for wizards . That 's why being one is the best thing of all , better than being strong or rich , better even than being king . And that 's what I 've just given you . Isn 't that wonderful ? My life has always been a sequence of impossible tasks , and this latest one was entirely in keeping with the trend . Go away and find a boy whose name and location nobody knows - nobody living , at any rate ; normally , that wouldn 't be such a problem . Between them , my invisible friends and the snake would be able to handle a job like that . The impossibility comes in because the dead man who knew the answer to the question obviously wasn 't going to tell me ; more impossible still , because if I did find the wretched kid , the dead prince would be seriously angry with me . Between death by impaling for failure to carry out the king 's orders and death by haunting for succeeding , there wasn 't a lot to choose . I 've said I 'm not afraid of death , and that 's true . Dying , though , is another matter . Dying slowly in great pain is something I actively try to avoid . " The king said , find this boy . You live to serve the king . You serve the king as the sandal serves the foot , it has no other purpose . Therefore you must summon the prince , against his will if needs be , and force him to tell you where the boy is . You have no choice in the matter . " Stupid old fool . " Yes , " I said , " and if I do that , I 'll have the prince 's face inches from my own for the rest of my life , scowling and yelling at me . How long will I last ? Ten days ? " " No , don 't do - " Too late . I sat up and found I was soaked in sweat . The snake shifted unhappily in my head . She doesn 't like the heat , which is really strange , for a snake . I thought about it for the rest of the night and most of the following morning , and the more I thought , the more obvious it became . I was going to have to kill the king , and set up this unknown boy in his place . No other way out . I really didn 't want to . The kings of the House of the Spear , Great Elephants , Eaters - Up - Of - The - World , have been a pretty useless lot , but His current Majesty was one of the better specimens , and since he 'd come to the throne , life hadn 't got much better but it hadn 't got spectacularly worse . This made him a Good King , and the odds were pretty overwhelming that this kid I was proposing to replace him with would be a complete disaster , like his grandfather , great - uncle , great - great - grandfather , and so on back into the cloudy realm of faint memory . Furthermore , although I could think of half a dozen powerful lords who 'd want him dead , all of them would also want to take his place , not see the royal spear and mat pass to some gawping brat of no relevance . Also , killing a king isn 't easy , which is why we still have kings . In all probability , it 'd go horribly wrong and I 'd be killed . But that was a probability rather than a certainty ; two certainties , as I explained earlier . It really didn 't help one little bit that I liked the man . Oh , and I had three days , four at the most , before I 'd be deemed to have failed in my task and executed . No pressure . To kill a king ( please listen carefully ; I 'm only going to say this once ) you need three things : opportunity , the forbearance of others , and a weapon . Opportunity doesn 't come much better than come straight here and tell me , you 'll be admitted right away , any time , day or night . The forbearance of others can take many forms , from active conspiracy to a guard falling asleep at his post ; some you can plan for , others the snake can arrange , some are pure luck . The weapon ? Spoilt for choice . Of course , you need one other thing . You need to want to do it . Just as it was starting to get dark , she came back . She 'd found the boy . He was in an army camp about a day 's walk away to the south . Simple as that . Like so many people these days , I never knew my father . He went off to war , my mother told me , and that was the end of him . Of course , she wasn 't my mother , though she never told me that . But the snake told me , bless her malicious heart , when I was nine years old . The subject came up in a discussion we were having about my future . We still talked occasionally then . I don 't want to go away , I remember telling her . I don 't want to go and live a long way away , in a cave with a smelly old man . I 'd miss my mother and my sisters . Liar , I said , and the snake hissed inside my head and swelled her coils until I was sure my skull would burst . Liar , I repeated . It 's not true . You know it 's true , she said . Everything I tell you is true . Even if I wanted to deceive you , I couldn 't . We 're too close . She lives a long way away . The man she 's married to is not your father . She doesn 't want to see you , ever . The woman who looks after you was given twenty head to take you away . She 's fond of you , but she 's not your mother . You have nobody , except me . The snake doesn 't lie , that 's the thing . The snake doesn 't love me . Love doesn 't come anywhere near it . Love compared with what the snake feels for me is a rabbit standing next to an elephant . I am her soul , and she is mine . Unfortunately . So , one dark night , I took an old rusty spear - blade that had belonged to my grandfather , my mother 's father , the father of the woman who wasn 't my mother , and very quietly I sawed a hole in the reeds and crept out of the hut , across the cattle - pen , through a gap in the thorn hedge and away . I walked for three days , with nothing to eat and no sandals on my feet ( I 'd never been more than an hour 's walk from home before ) until I reached a high mountain standing on its own in the middle of the plain . The snake showed me a kloof whose mouth was almost hidden by thorn - bushes and scrub . It was just before mid - day , and the shadow of the mountain made the kloof as dark as midnight . Well go on , the snake told me . So I threaded my way in past the bushes and called out , " Hello ? " My master was sitting on a stool in the middle of the cattle - pen ; just sitting , his hands on his knees , his head a little to one side . He was a big old man with white hair in braids , and there were bits of things I didn 't like to look at stuffed or caught in the weave . He must 've seen me but gave no sign . He can 't hear you , said a voice , and another voice laughed . Another one , a woman 's , said , You must be the boy . Well ? That 's no excuse , said the voice , and the female said , Leave him alone , don 't pick on him . A lot of voices laughed at that . You need to learn , said the nasty male voice . If we 're kind and gentle , you won 't learn anything . But this - and something slapped the side of my face so hard I staggered - will make sure you don 't get it wrong ever again . They found that hilarious , but I 'd said the right thing , and from then on , they were mostly on my side . Gradually , of course , as time went by , I got to know them all , though some were more friendly than others . Mostly they were doctors , long dead ; they hung about the kloof the way old people hang about the smithy in the cold weather , for the company and to keep warm . Some of them never told me who they were , who they 'd been , or even if they 'd ever been human , and it 's not the sort of thing you ask about . Mostly , like I said , they were good to me , and when they weren 't , I probably deserved it . Anything even vaguely like an education or training , I got from them ; my master was pretty much useless , as the voices didn 't hesitate to point out when they thought he couldn 't hear them . He 'd forget about me for weeks at a time , then suddenly remember and try and teach me something - but usually it was garbled or no use for anything or just plain wrong . The voices wanted me to kill him and take his place ; as is only fitting , they used to say , which I didn 't understand . I could see their point , but I 'm not a natural killer ; it 's something I do rarely , and then only when I have to , usually when it 's too late . That , they assured me , is a weakness that would hold me back and ultimately bring me to grief . I hope they 're wrong , though I have to say , they 've always been right about everything . But they taught me to see , and to listen , and how to make the snake do what I wanted . They told me the things the snake could do and the things she couldn 't , and how to summon the dead and the other spirits . Does this mean I can order you about now ? I asked , and because they couldn 't lie they said nothing . They taught me how to herd the clouds and make lightning , how to smell for poison and witchcraft , how to heal injuries and illnesses , and how to hurt people . All useful stuff . Then , when I was sixteen , my master died suddenly . It shows how useless he was , and how much the spirits disliked him , that his death came as much of a surprise to him as to me , and all the rest of us . He was sitting outside in the sun one morning , and a big lump of rock crumbled away from the side of the mountain and fell on his head . No great loss , they told me , but I was sorry for him , even so . He was one of those people who shouldn 't have been born with the gift but was anyway . He thought he was a much better doctor than he really was , and was therefore continually disappointed ; needless to say , he blamed everybody and everything else , and so went through life in a constant state of anger and resentment . I buried him under the door of his hut , and then it actually sank in . All this was mine now , I was the wizard of the Black Kloof , and I was on my own . Which is why , as people are forever reminding me , I 'm young to be a doctor . I 'm ten times better at it than he was , and he never liked me anyway . But I miss him , even so . The snake told me once that the spirits loosened that rock and made it fall when it did . I choose not to believe her . My snake led me to the army camp where , I have to say , I was not made welcome . Members of my profession , even young ones who don 't wear all the get - up , aren 't popular with the military . This may be because unscrupulous kings over the years have used doctors to get rid of over - mighty generals with spurious accusations of witchcraft . If so , I don 't blame them one bit . I hadn 't got the faintest idea who I was supposed to be looking for , let alone his name or a description or anything like that , but she slipped out of my ear and bustled along in front of me , and I followed . She led me to the smithy . It was going to be one of those days . Smiths are another section of the community who don 't like us . I can see why ; we 're too much alike . We say that a smith is a wizard without the talent . They don 't say what they say about us to our faces , and nobody wants to tell us , but we can guess . This particular smith was a big fat man , about fifty years old , with a headring gleaming with sweat and burn - scars all over his arms and chest . He stood in front of the anvil , wiping his forehead and holding a half - done spearhead in the red coals . Behind him , a lad of about my age was pumping a double bellows . " What do you want ? " asked the smith . He froze , then turned and scowled at the boy . " Go away , " he said . The boy let go of the bellows handles as though they were red hot and ran out . " You , " said the smith , " make yourself useful and work the bellows . I don 't want to lose the heat . " Anything to oblige . Needless to say , I don 't know the first thing about blacksmiths ' work . Curiously and fortuitously , the snake does . I got a nice smooth rhythm going . " I asked you a question , " I said . I could see he was considering his alternatives , of which he seemed to feel there were two . The first , which I could see he favoured , was bashing me on the head with his hammer and shoving my face in the fire . Reluctantly , he opted to go with the second . " Your mother had a long nose and a pointed chin , and a scar just above her left eyebrow . You had a brother , but he died when he was a baby . But you loved your grandmother best , and she loved you . " He looked at me , then down at the spearhead , which was starting to show white round the edges . Slowly he lifted it out and laid it on the ashes . " You can stop pumping , " he said . I was glad to hear that . Bellows are more work than they look . " She married a man over by the White River , " I said . " He died recently , along with his daughter and all his household . " " Maybe , " I replied . " It 's one of those words , the more people use it , the less it means . Now , " I went on , " the prince 's daughter stayed with her mother , but not the boy . What became of him , do you know ? " He wiped sweat out of his eyes . " No idea , " he said . " The boy was the older of the two , by a year or so . Because of who his father was , she sent him away as soon as he was born . Then the prince started the war and got killed , so none of us wanted to know any more about anything , if you get what I mean . Who else knows about this ? " " Oh , I do as I 'm told . " That made him grin , in spite of himself . " Why should I want to tell anybody , anyway ? You don 't know anything , you just said . " " Quite , " I said . " And how could the boy be a threat to the king if nobody knows him and he 's got no way of proving he 's got a claim to the throne ? " I paused for a moment . " Some people might say that 's a pity , " I said . " Why not ? Nobody here but us and the rats in the thatch . There 's some people who might say , no matter how bad this boy is , he couldn 't be worse . Pointless , of course , if he can 't even be found . " " Oh , people I 've talked to . Quite a lot of them , actually . They 're saying , nobody wants another civil war , not like the last one , and there 's not many who 'd be willing to march out and fight in one , and who 'd blame them ? But if , heaven forbid , the king was to fall down dead , through illness - " I paused , and smiled . " Or witchcraft , even . He 's got no sons , he 's always been very careful about that , no brothers , no living relatives of any sort , so who 's going to take his place ? The country needs a king , someone 's got to do it . And if there 's a nephew - " I shrugged . " I think a lot of people would rest easier knowing there 's an heir to the throne , don 't you ? " " It 's not a very interesting name , " I told him . " Even if I told you , you 'd have forgotten it a moment later . Talking of names , " I added . He looked away . " He didn 't have one , " he said . " I told you , they got him out of there practically as soon as he was born . What he 's called now I have no idea . " I smiled . I didn 't want to . I quite liked the man . " I 'm a doctor , " I said , " I have medicines for a poor memory . And other things too , of course . " They never expect you to say that . He actually shuffled back a step or two , as if that 'd do him any good . The sight of so much cowardice made my skin crawl . " Leave me alone , will you ? " he said , raising his voice ( but it came out as a rather louder whine ) . " I don 't know anything . " I hate doing this sort of thing . " Maybe not , " I said . " But it 's all right , I 'll know if you 're telling the truth . I 'll send my snake into your head , and she 'll tell me if there 's anything in there or not . " By now he 'd retreated so far he was backed up against the anvil stand , with nowhere to go . " Please , " he said , " it 's my sister 's boy , if they find him they 'll kill him . He 's all that 's left of her . Please . " I 'm not sure I 'd have had the heart to carry on if he hadn 't made a spectacle of himself by grovelling . But all I could feel was contempt . " That 's enough , " I said . " Now , the more you can hold still , the less damage she 'll do . You really do need to co - operate if you don 't want to spend the rest of your life sitting against a wall somewhere . " " All right , " he said . I could hardly bear to look at him . I wanted to squash him , like a nasty insect . But he told me a name . It hit me like - well , like the rock that had fallen on my master . It crushed me flat . Like an idiot , I said , " Are you sure ? " or " Say again ? " or something like that . He repeated the name ; also her father 's name , and where they lived . I think I said , " Thank you , I 'm sorry , " or something of the kind , and then I stumbled out into the light , not looking back . The thing is , I don 't go looking for trouble . Some people do . Some people delight in the thunder and the stamping and the shouting and the screams of dying men . Some people can only find peace in war ; without fighting and conflict , they 're like newly - planted seedlings in dry weather , drooping and parched . Some people can only live if there 's death all around them . I guess it must be the thrill . I 'm not like that . So all the stuff that continually pounds down on my head and in through my ears , like rain after thunder , is wasted on me , and I think that 's a shame , when there 's so many people out there who 'd really appreciate it . I 'd much rather stay home in the kloof and cure oxen with fly - bites and redwater fever . A man could get old and fat doing that , and people would be pleased to see him . But I think she 'd be bored stiff . I think she likes the other stuff . It 's the only explanation I can come up with , at this moment . I 'd been living back in the kloof about three months when I had a dream . I was lying curled up on my mat , and all these terrifying old men came again and stood round me in a ring , looking down at me and frowning , as if they couldn 't quite bring themselves to believe I was true . At first I was scared of them , but they kept on staring and muttering , and I knew that sort of thing was rude , so after a while I stopped being scared and got annoyed . " What ? " I said . Then one of them laughed , but it wasn 't a funny laugh . " You know what , son , " he said , sounding as though I 'd just spat in his beer , " it 'd have been better for everybody if you 'd never been born . Come on , " he added , to the others . " There 's nothing we can do about it , that 's for sure . " And then they all started to walk away , and I woke up . I couldn 't kill the king and put the prince 's long - lost son on the throne because that long - lost son was apparently me . So the plan was out of the question ; for many reasons , but principally because I 'm a doctor , a wizard . No wizard has ever been king , it 's unthinkable . For that to happen , a king would have to have a son born with the talent , and send him away to learn the craft under some master , and no king would ever do that . No wizard born outside the royal family could ever usurp the throne , because all his fellow - wizards would band together to stop him , and then there 'd be a spirit war which would stamp the land flat . All the cattle would die , all the children would be still - born , there would be so much lightning and no rain - So that 's that . The People of Heaven wouldn 't stand for it , either . If I was to be king , they 'd tear me in pieces , or die in their thousands trying . He sighed . It was the middle of the night . He 'd been with his youngest wife , not sleeping . " I must have meant it , then . So , you found him . " I tried not to look at the faces crowding round us , but it was hard . I recognised some of them , but most were unfamiliar , though the family resemblance was quite strong in some of them . The huge , grim - faced man with the wild eyes could only have been the Black One himself , the Lion , He - Stamps - Them - Flat , the founder of the kingdom ; is there anyone living who wouldn 't give his right arm for a chance to see Him , find out what He really looked like ? But I didn 't dare , I could only peek at him on the very edge of my vision . My ancestors , I realised ; what an extraordinary thought . The Black One was my great - great - great - great grandfather . Me included . I wasn 't at all sure I knew what to do about that . Still , I 'd run out of options , so what could I do ? Think of something , and quickly . " No rats in the thatch , even ? " He looked at me for a moment ; then , with a degree of speed and power remarkable in someone so fat , he stood up and drove the little red - handled spear he always carried into the thatch above his head , right up to the socket . He pulled it out , drove it in again about a foot to the left , and so on about a dozen times . Then he sat down again . " No rats , " he said . " Go on . " The show of violence had unnerved me , and I had to pull myself together before I could speak . One thrust of that little toy spear , so very quick , not upwards this time , was all it would take , and all my troubles would be over . I 'm not afraid of death , remember . Even so . " Very well , " I said , and I told him a name . It was a lie . It was the name of the son of a very big important man , commander of five regiments , loved by all the people for his fairness , his generosity , his wisdom , his courage . Either of them , father or son , would have made a good king . A stable kingdom with a not - quite - so - good king and a standing army can do without men like that . I felt the snake swell her coils in rage , because I 'd just told a lie . The pain was unbearable . I didn 't dare breathe , for fear of crying out . The pressure kept on building , and I felt my eyeballs bulge . ( As I said , I quite like him . Just occasionally , there are these flashes of humanity through the clouds of Heaven . Just occasionally . If he hadn 't had to be a king , he 'd have been all right . He didn 't have the choice , of course . Not like some - ) " You 're sure , " he repeated . I nodded again . My head was about to crack open , like an egg hatching . " It seems so unlikely , " he went on . " Of all the people , why him ? In the war against my brother , he was on my side . Really on my side , I was sure of it . I can 't believe he 'd have taken in my brother 's son . It makes no sense . " " Rich men like to collect weapons , " I said . Luckily I 'd learned the speech by heart beforehand . " They don 't necessarily plan on using them , but they like to own them - you know ; fine spears , ironwood kerries , axes with rhinoceros - horn handles . And maybe a man might get to thinking , if ever I had to defend myself against the king , I 'd need a pretty special weapon , something practically unique . And maybe a clever tactician , an experienced soldier or someone like that , might feel the need to start defending himself before the attack comes . " I nodded , and this time I couldn 't stop myself , because the snake swelled alarmingly and I had to cry out . He looked at me . " What 's the matter ? " he said . " You chose a strange time to have a headache . " He frowned , then looked past me towards the doorway . " Apart from me and you , " he said . He rubbed his lower lip with his thumb . I don 't know anybody else who does that . " There 's an argument for saying that letting you live would be weakness . " I was distressed to see a couple of my ancestors nodding their heads behind him . " No , Lord , " I said , " with respect . Letting the boy live would be weakness . Letting me live would be enlightened self - interest . Killing me would be a waste . If your father was here now , he 'd agree with me , " I added , untruthfully . He frowned and peered at the side of my head . I could feel the blood trickling down my neck , like a snake crawling . At last he said , " There 's no point killing you . You 'll be dead anyway inside a week . You 've been bewitched . There 's maggots in your brain or something . " Even now I 'm not sure why the snake didn 't kill me for telling lies . She wanted to , I know . She said so . Her story is that she tried to do it , but my skull was too thick to pop . She always tells the truth . I don 't believe her . It was touch and go , though , for a day or two . I got out of there and back to the guest hut , where I fainted half in and half out of the doorway , on my knees , with my ass in the air . When I came round , I couldn 't move my left arm , and the left side of my face was frozen . It makes talking difficult , as you 've probably gathered . I sound like I 'm drunk , which is so unfair . For weeks , apparently , I talked nothing but drivel . I find that odd , because I can remember having a lot of long , intelligent conversations during that time ; with many of the great names in my profession , with interesting spirits I 'd never come across before , with people I used to know , with my relations . I even got to talk to the Black One himself . He came and sat beside me , or rather he squatted on his heels , perfectly balanced . He was much younger than I 'd expected . He was frowning . I didn 't dare speak . He scratched his ear , then looked at his fingertip . My mouth was as dry as shield - leather . " Hello , " he said suddenly , and his voice was much higher than I 'd thought it would be . " You don 't know me . I 'm your great - great - great - grandfather . " He grinned awkwardly . " Silly , really . I don 't feel old enough to be anybody 's grandfather , or anything like that . But I died young , you see . " He sounded almost apologetic , as though he 'd been inconsiderate . " Lord , " I mumbled . " Great one , Eater - Up - Of - Elephants . " He gave me a look . " Yes , all right , " he said . " I don 't actually like that stuff . I used to , " he added with a little grin , " and look where it got me . My brothers killed me , you know . " " So . " He put the tips of is fingers together , aligning each one precisely . He had long , slim hands , like a girl . Everything about him was precise , delicate , elegant , even though he was so big and broad . He hadn 't lived long enough to run to fat , of course . " You 're the last of the family , then . " He nodded . " My children and my children 's children have seen to that , " he said sadly , " slaughtering each other till there 's nobody left . I don 't know why they had to do that , it 's stupid . You 'd have thought , the first duty of a king is to make sure he 's got a son to take his place . Not our lot , apparently . Too scared of being murdered by their own kids . I ask you , what kind of way is that to live ? No , " he went on , " you 're the last of us , and you won 't have any children , being a wizard and all . " I 'd been figuring it out in my head . When he died , he 'd been just six years older than I was at that moment . He 'd started young , of course . Won his first major battle when he was fifteen years old . " I wish I 'd been a wizard , " he said . " Never had the talent , of course , " he said . " I 've always felt bad about that . A wizard 's got it all , hasn 't he ? Power , cattle , everybody 's scared stiff of him , even kings ; you can make people do what you want and they 'd never dare try anything with you . Wizards are so much better than kings . " " Well , it 's true , " he said . " I mean , look at our family . You know how many of us lived to be thirty ? Four , out of fourteen . You know how many of us died natural deaths ? None , that 's how many . Not one . " " Are you calling me a liar ? " For a moment , I thought lightning was going to strike me and burn me up . Then he grinned sheepishly . " Sorry , " he said , " force of habit . I always made a point of taking offence at pretty much everything . It made people scared of me , you see . Seemed like a good idea at the time . " He shrugged , then went on ; " Wizards , now , they all live to be old men , respected , looked up to , and the older they get , the more people respect them . Opposite of what happens with everyone else , when you get old , nobody bothers with you , you 're just a nuisance . Even kings . Your sons sit there watching you , waiting for you to die , and it 's them people talk to and listen to , because you won 't be around much longer and they want to be in with whoever 's going to take your place . No , wizards are much better than kings . Well , you know that . You had that idiot eating out of your hand . " That made him laugh . " Well , of course you were , " he said . " That 's natural . I mean , look at me . I was scared stiff most of the time . Absolutely petrified . " " Oh yes . " He nodded seriously . " Oh , I yelled and roared and carried on like I was wrong in the head ; people respect that , they don 't dare answer you back , even if you 're doing something bloody stupid . And I went on about how being brave is so wonderful , and if anybody did anything that even looked like cowardice I was down on them like a leopard , no second chances , nothing . You do that , people think ' he must be really brave . ' But I wasn 't . The number of times I pissed myself down the leg just before we started fighting . But nobody saw , I don 't think , so that was all right . " He shook his head . " Wizards are better . You don 't get to marry and have kids , but that 's probably one of the good things about being a wizard , I don 't know . Really , you 've got everything . You people aren 't even afraid of death , isn 't that right ? That must be wonderful . Like being , I don 't know , free . " I stared at him . " But Lord , " I said , " you were the greatest king of all time . You conquered the world , you stamped out the tribes like the embers of a fire - " I stopped . He was giving me a sad look and shaking his head slowly . " Lord ? " " You 're smart , " he said , " you should know better . I wasn 't smart , like you are . " Suddenly he laughed . " Believe me , " he said , " I wouldn 't lie to you . Heaven - Thunders - The - Truth , remember ? " Five years later , when the king was dying , he sent for me . I replied that I was too busy , which was true . He commanded me to attend on him . I didn 't bother to reply . A lot had changed in that time . The People of Heaven had fought a bitter war against an alliance of their most powerful neighbours and had lost badly ; we 'd managed to patch up a sort of a peace , but it wouldn 't be long before they 'd be back to finish us off . The king 's army was mostly dead ; of the survivors , five regiments had crossed the northern border and kept going , until nobody knew where they were , and the king was only still alive because his three senior generals were still trying to decide which of them was going to kill him and take his place . There weren 't enough soldiers left for a civil war , so they were having to talk it through instead . Meanwhile , the king 's illness , which he 'd suffered from on and off for the last five years , had finally broken his will to resist , and he was about to save his loyal people the job . I , on the other hand , had prospered . I 'd cured a plague . More to the point , I 'd accurately predicted each crippling defeat , with enough circumstantial detail to convince even the most sceptical observer . I was turning away any job that didn 't interest me , and asking for ( and getting ) ridiculous fees for the few I condescended to take on . I think it 's fair to say I was the only doctor in the country who hadn 't messed up at some point in the war . I was universally respected , and if I 'd wanted to , I could 've chosen who was going to be the next king , and everybody would 've accepted my decision . But I chose not to . I was , I gave them to understand , above things like that , who cared only for wisdom . And truth . Heaven no longer thundered it . I did . So he came to see me instead ; unannounced , uninvited . But he still had a bodyguard of two hundred picked veterans ; I had about seventy men minding my cattle and doing odd jobs for me , but even if I 'd had notice and mustered them to fight , they wouldn 't have lasted very long against the guards . So , when two guard captains burst into my cave late one night and said the king was paying me a visit , I just yawned and said yes , I 'd been expecting him . He 'd changed . It was a particularly unkind sort of illness . He 'd swollen up like a body that 's been in the water . His arms and legs were like tree - trunks , and his body was grotesque ; his head , though , was more or less the same size , which made him look ridiculous . He couldn 't stand or sit , so he had to be carried on a stretcher , with trestles to rest it on . They brought him in , and I didn 't look up . " Go away , " I said . A moment or so later , I heard them filing out of the cave . Only then did I lift my head and look at him . " Oh yes . How did you find out , by the way ? Oh , " I added , because my father was standing over him . He was grinning . My father shrugged and pulled a face . He 's a jolly man , with a good sense of humour . I like him . I wish I 'd known him . " The illness , " I said , " is incurable . You have about five days to live . Then the weight will get too much for your heart and you 'll die . I 'm sorry , " I added . Inside my head the snake shifted ominously . All right , I told her , settle down . " Yes , " I said . " I put a spell on you , the night I lied to you . I had to , I 'm afraid . It was the only way the snake would forgive me . I 'm sorry , you can 't possibly understand that . The point is , I didn 't want to . But there was no other way . " I wanted to look away , but I reckoned I owed him eye - contact . " Yes , " I said . " I bewitched you into arrogance and stupidity . You were half - way there , but the other half was all me . I 'm sorry for that , too . " " I know , " I said . " We 're this close to being stamped flat . But it had to happen . The kingdom began with our family , and it 'll end with it . And frankly , no great loss . What did we ever do , apart from kill people ? " I shrugged . " I don 't know , " I said . " Would you like to try yourself ? You can if you like , though the effort will probably kill you . I 'm not bothered , one way or another . " He was exhausted . Just talking , moving his head a few times , had drained all his strength . " What 's the point ? " he said . " It 's all over now . " His breathing was slow and shallow . Maybe I should 've said , five days if you don 't exert yourself . " Do one thing for me . " " Make him go away , " he replied , very softly . " Please . It 's only for a short while , and then he 'll have me forever . Can you do that ? " " You should have thought of that before you killed him . " But I was already mixing two powders together in a little gourd of water . He couldn 't see that , of course . Neither of them could . " Drink this , " I told him , and he managed to get his lips apart a tiny crack . " It 'll make you feel better . " I lied , of course . The war was nothing to do with me . My snake let me tell the lie because it counted as part of the king 's punishment . In fact , it was her idea . But I do think the war has been a good thing , broadly speaking . It 's put an end to the line of kings that began with the Black One , and I don 't think the People of Heaven will have kings after that , just some sort of governor answerable to whoever conquers us . Whoever that turns out to be , they can 't possibly be worse for the people than my family . Can they ? But take me as a case in point . Before she found me , I was stupid . I can just barely remember what it was like . You know when you 're sitting inside , and outside there 's two people talking , you can hear the voices but you can 't make out the words . After the snake found me , I could hear all the words . I think that if ever the snake left me , which she can 't do , she 'd die ; me too probably - but if that were to happen , I 'd go back to being stupid again . Does that sound like the talent to you ? I think the talent is the snake , and the other way about . I think that 's why the snake chose me ; because my father was the prince , and someone somewhere decided that making the last lost surviving son of the royal house into a wizard would have interesting results , which would facilitate some larger strategy . Otherwise , the whole thing 's just one damn coincidence after another , and I don 't believe it . The snake says otherwise , of course , and she 's incapable of falsehood . But I lied , yes . That makes it twice now that Heaven , as embodied in me , hasn 't exactly thundered the truth . I don 't care , and I don 't suppose anyone else does either . Not even the snake . © Copyright 2014 K . J . ParkerRead Comments on this Story ( 4 Comments ) ShareThis with FriendsK . J . Parker is the author of the best - selling ' Engineer ' trilogy ( Devices and Desires , Evil for Evil , The Escapement ) as well as the previous ' Fencer ' ( The Colours in the Steel , The Belly of the Bow , The Proof House ) and ' Scavenger ' ( Shadow , Pattern , Memory ) trilogies , and has twice won the World Fantasy Award for Best Novella . K . J . Parker also writes under the name Tom Holt . If you liked this story , you may also like : " The Crooked Mile " by Dan Rabarts " Crossroads and Gateways " by Helen MarshallReturn to Issue # 157 , Sixth Anniversary Double - IssueComments & Scrivenings4 Comments on " Heaven Thunders The Truth " PSA : Two new K . J . Parker and a new trilogy ! | Lettuce be Cereal says : October 14 , 2014 at 10 : 31 am [ … ] Online has published a wide amount of Parker 's stories , and that has come to an end , and Beneath Ceaseless Skies . Almost all of her shorter fiction has also been recently collected in the Academic Exercises [ … ] |
The holidays are a wonderful time to get together with family and friends . The warmth and cheer and the good food are enough to fill a person 's heart with contentment to advance into the next year in a good way . I , for one love Thanksgiving , Christmas and New Years . And for those that don 't celebrate these holidays , there is Hanukkah , Kwanzaa , Ashura , among many others . Breastfeeding can be daunting in and of itself . A lot of women don 't have the courage to do it in public , around strangers . Breastfeeding around family members who are unsupportive or unfamiliar with it can be even more daunting . One reason being , that you know them and you have to face them on a regular basis . Or , at least , once a year . You may be confronted by family members with rude comments or dirty looks and feel the need to leave the room to avoid these confrontations . If you feel most comfortable being in another room , by all means , do what you feel suits you best . But for a lot of breastfeeding mothers , they may not want to leave the room and miss the festivities . Which , in a lot of cases , you may be there longer than one feed for your baby or child and this can cause a lot of missed time with family and friends . If you feel you may be confronted at these gatherings , there are many ways to go about avoiding them or standing up for yourself and your baby to make your holiday stress free and family friendly . I have asked some mothers to share their experiences , breastfeeding during the holidays . Here are a few : Jennifer writes : " My husband 's parents came up for a belated Christmas this past January . At the time , my daughter was 5 . 5 months old and still exclusively breast fed . I didn 't think anything of nursing her in the living room with my in - laws in the room . Apparently , this made the step dad uncomfortable , but we didn 't know that until a couple days later when my husband 's mom called to tell him . They expected me to go into another room to nurse my baby , in my own house . My husband was appropriately outraged , as was I . His mom even went so far as to say , and I quote , " I don 't appreciate her whipping out her breast in front of my husband . " As though I was trying to seduce a man twice my age by feeding my baby . Since then , the relationship has been strained , at best . It 's unfortunate that people are so narrow minded and prudish about the act of breastfeeding , but I refuse to alter the way I feed my children simply for someone else 's comfort , especially within the walls of my own home . I 'm still breastfeeding my daughter , now 15 months old , and I don 't plan to stop anytime soon . " There is also attire you can wear , so that if it 's not practical or comfortable to cover , you can go uncovered without showing much . When in public , I do not cover because we are not comfortable that way . I wear a tank top under a shirt and pull up the t - shirt and pull down the tank top . Of course , there is nursing attire , but if you 're on a tight budget , like me , you work with what you have . There is often little to nothing shown when I use the shirt - tank method and we 're both happy that way . 10 . Your baby may have teeth and this also may prompt comments about solids : " Your baby should be eating food since he has teeth . " " You 're breastfeeding AGAIN ? Here , give him this . " You could say : " No thank you , we haven 't introduced that into his diet yet . " Best For Babes Foundation has created a hotline for women who breastfeed in public , who happen to get harassed in some way by a business owner or manager , or are in some way not protected by law . When you call the hotline , the incident is recorded with detail and dates . This hotline is necessary , because some women just don 't have the support to have the big voice to change things that need changed . Another is so there is recorded proof of incidents for businesses that have caused breastfeeding mothers grief and for legislators to change state laws ( like in Idaho and Georgia ) . Let 's not forget the working mom , who may need to pump at work ! I have heard countless stories of mothers not provided a place to pump because law does not require it . A friend of mine is still in high school and is breastfeeding . She needs to pump during school hours , but is afraid that her need to pump will result in resistence from teachers , as she had trouble even getting her assignments when she was on bed rest during her junior year in high school . Every breastfeeding mother needs to have this number in her phone , so she knows she has support and will be heard . This is a nursing mom 's 911 ! Above is a link to information on the new hotline . Check it out , pass this along . Too many women stop breastfeeding or won 't attempt to , due to harassment and lack of laws protecting their RIGHT to feed their babies the way nature intended . Please get this out there . Best For Babes launched their hotline last week . Since the launch , they have received several phone calls , reporting their experiences . This is NOT a made up problem . Women don 't go " looking for " negative attention when they feed their babies in public . Women have a voice now , through BfB . There is strength in numbers and we all need to work together to normalize breastfeeding . Here is a link to their progress with the hotline after just one week : Alot of people I know are pretty crunchy and are going gluten free or have been for years ! This is for people like me , who want to be gluten free , but are finding it expensive or hard to do . Gluten is in tons of things you wouldn 't even think about ! So I asked a few friends to help me collect some ideas for breakfast since it 's the " most important meal of the day . " You really want the breakfast of champions , don 't you ? * wink * Everybody loves pancakes and if you don 't , you 're crazy ! ( recipe ) I love peanut butter on mine . There are always all natural peanut butters out there , if that 's what you like . Go to whole foods stores . Good choices : ) Raw milk ! Can 't go wrong there . I have a few friends that have this as a major staple in their diet . It CAN get a bit on the spendy side . I think $ 3 - 4 for half a gallon ? But you 're getting fuller with it , so it 's worth it . So it 's been almost a month since I decided to dread my hair . I used the twist and rip method . Didn 't use any products and stopped shampooing my hair ( I use the no poo method ) Yay ! Two week dreadiversary ! It hasn 't been all rainbows and unicorns in dread - land . The transition from using shampoo to just using baking soda and apple cider vinegar for my hair left it feeling oily and it was hell trying to ignore it . I almost took my dreads out to escape the way my scalp felt . Three weeks into the dread life and going strong ! My hair has almost fully transitioned and is starting to lock up . I had bands in the bottoms of them because I was paranoid that they would unravel . I cut up an old t - shirt to sort of wrap my hair to keep it out of my face instead of using a ponytail , which was pulling hairs out of my dreads and would leave them bent from being restrained . I used twist and rip . I almost wish I had done neglect . Although it does take a little longer for them to lock up and gather into dreads , I 've encountered many people who have done neglect , where their dreads are smaller , which is what I would have liked for my thinning hair ( just had a baby 10 months ago and my hair was falling out like crazy ! ) . Do not use regular shampoos ! You need a residue free shampoo or you can us baking soda and ACV . I 've also heard some good things about Dr . Bronner 's soap . Another thing : Never EVER use wax . I don 't care what Knotty Boy tells you , you don 't need to buy products to be successful at dreading your hair . Good luck and I hope you enjoyed this post ! I look forward to posting updates on my dreads ! * thumbs up * There is a lot wrong with today 's maternal healthcare . Things that should have nothing to do with bringing our babies into this world . Birth rape , abuse , lies , blame , humiliation . Just to name a few . Everyday , birthing women and new mothers are made to feel inferior and minuscule . Too many women go into pregnancy uneducated , naive and scared . They believe doctors are God and what they say goes , wether you like it or not . Against your will and you don 't think you should refuse because there is a baby involved in the decision . Pull the dead baby card and mom will submit to anything you want . Give a woman inaccurate statistics for the benefit of your agenda and you have a willing participant of whatever you want to do to her . Make her feelings invalid , you have a patient that 's afraid to protest your orders . Here 's a story of a momma that admits she could have avoided c - section , had she been more informed of her rights and about birth . My first pregnancy I was pretty naive ( even with my 2nd ) , and had no idea what I should ask , and even asked what I should be asking . Most of my appointments I was just checked , got a lot of ultrasounds and pictures , and was told " Ok see you next time ! " . I had mentioned once that I wanted to see about a water birth , but was told " Only whales birth in the water " . When I woke up December 20 , 2005 at a little past 5 am , I was so uncomfortable , and couldn 't get back to sleep no matter what I tried . My significant other had work that day , and I told him to go ahead and go , if anything happens I would call him . I went to my Grandmother 's house while he was at work , just in case . The entire day I couldn 't sit , stand , lay down , nothing ! My back hurt and I was exhausted . Finally around 630 pm I called my SO and told him to meet me at the hospital , because things weren 't changing . When I got to the hospital , I was wheeled into a room , layed down , and immediately hooked up to machines and an IV . There were so many " nurses " and a couple " drs " in the room . They were waiting for the on call dr from my dr 's office to get there . I was given something to help " move things along " . " Drs " and " nurses " were in and out , and I dont know how many times I was given just " a little bit more " of whatever to " get things moving " . My SO got there and as soon as he walked in the door , I said " I think my water just broke " . I vaguely remember feeling like a water balloon popped . I don 't remember exactly how much time was passing , or how quickly things were going . I just remember not knowing what was going on , I was scared , and I was in pain . I was asked if I wanted an epideral , and I remember declining , but the pain wasnt going away and I was so tired , so I caved . I remember having the urge to either push or poop . I think I did both LOL My dr came and he was in and out , he checked me a couple times , but never really stayed in the room longer than to look at the machines , and check to see how I was progressing . Then at around 2 am , December 21st , I was told we had to have an emergency c / s because the baby 's heart rate was not good . I was wheeled into the surgery room , lifted onto the bed , and I remember hearing my dr INSTRUCT the surgery ! " No dont cut like that , cut like this " - Heard that a couple times . " No we have to stitch like this , not like that " . I wanted to scream , I wanted to say " GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME ! " I couldn 't do anything ! I could barely do more than look at my SO and cry ! I remember looking at him and thinking " Please Posted by My youngest child ( 7 months old ) , " L " has had a fever the last 3 days . I became very worried when it spiked this morning to 105 . 5 degrees fahrenheit . After a dose of Tylenol , I took him in to the Emergency Room , like many concerned parents would do . They took his temperature , which had dropped to 103 . Still , the previous temperature had us very worried . We waited for them to get everything together to get urine and blood . I was told that using a catheter to catch his urine would be best because " the extra skin cells ( his foreskin ) would affect the test results and contaminate the culture " . I gave consent , and they go ahead with the procedure . I was horrified as the nurse pulled his skin back to reveal his little " head " . She wasn 't gentle with inserting the catheter , either . The nurse kept jamming it , trying to get it into his bladder , but the catheter was too big . L started crying even before the catheter because his foreskin started bleeding . And he was screaming bloody murder he was in so much pain . I felt sick to my stomach and started crying . My 5 . 5 year old son was with me and was alarmed at how much pain his little brother was in . He started crying as well . I then started shaking in anger , because the nurse persisted with her jabbing the catheter with force that shouldn 't be used on ANYONE that is having something foreign put into their body and not paying attention to him bleeding . I fought such an internal battle of telling her to stop , but feared being ridiculed . I finally told her I wanted them to use a bag to catch his urine instead . " Oh no , I 'll have someone else try to do it . I just can 't get it past his urethra , " she said dismissing my comment . As she left , the attending doctor came back to see my son and her jaw fell open as she surveilled the scene in the room . My puffy , teary eyes , my screaming infant son with a catheter hanging out of him and my older son , crying in a chair off to the side . She removed the catheter and had me put my son to the breast to calm him . The doctor gingerly put a urine bag over his penis and put a diaper on him , apologized and informed me of the blood test results , which showed he was fighting an infection , possibly a urinary tract infection and that he would need antibiotics . His urine tested positive for infection as well . He received a 24 hour antibiotic shot and we were released with a script for his medicine . I feel horrible for not knowing to advocate my son 's needs . I feel guilty for not telling them to not use a catheter on him . I feel like a bad mom for allowing that stupid nurse to forcibly retract his foreskin . I am writing a letter of complaint to the hospital and asking them to educate their staff on how to care for intact boys . Never ever forcibly retract a boy 's foreskin . Here are some links I am providing in my letter to the hospital , so more people can be educated and advocate for their children . Information is power , and our voice is important , because our children don 't have one yet . A woman is out on a date with a guy she just met . The date is going well and they hit it off . She can 't help but think " Oh , he 's so sweet and perfect . I hope he 'll see me again . " And she does . They make their relationship official and all is well . . . . Fast forward 12 months . She 's just forgotten to put his clothes in the dryer , because she was cooking breakfast . Now he 's going to be late for work . " Why can 't you do anything right ? " he says stepping slowly towards her . Later that week , she 's bathing her daughter , and couldn 't get to the phone in time to answer his call . He comes home that night , in a rage . He accuses her of cheating , since she wouldn 't answer his call . " No , " she pleaded . " No , I was just giving my daughter . . . . " She doesn 't finish her sentence . He hits her across the face . " See what you made me do ? " He backs away and goes to take a shower , muttering about how worthless she is . She 's so confused . Why did she make him hit her ? It was her fault , all her fault . He comes to her in bed that night and lifts her chin . She flinches and pulls back . He apologizes and tells her it won 't happen again and that he just has anger problems . She shouldn 't make him mad like that . . . . ever again . . . . . But she did . Everything made him mad . He didn 't like her talking to friends and her family wanted to see her , but she was too ashamed of her appearance . If she doesn 't get out soon , it might be too late . . . . . . . Depending on the type of survey , there is a range between 600 , 000 and 6 million women who are battered each year . Women between the ages of 20 - 24 are at greater risk for nonfatal violence from a partner or spouse . Most abuse comes from someone that the woman knows personally . Separate and divorced men and women are also at high risk for nonfatal abuse , says the Bureau of Justice Statistics , Intimate Partner Violence in the U . S . 1993 - 2004 . Each day , 4 women die as a result of abuse . . . Each day , 3 children die as a result of abuse . The FBI estimates that 32 % of female homicides are by their partner or spouse . Not many people understand the impact domestic violence has on battered women . She loves her partner and is attached to the loving part of him or her . They don 't like the abuse , but in their mind , their loving gestures make up for it . " It won 't happen again . " " He says he 's going to get help for his anger . " Smoke and mirrors . Justification for the spouse 's or partner 's behavior . As a woman who was in an abusive relationship , both physical and emotional , I know how persuasive an abuser can be . He persuaded me into thinking I was worthless without him , that I was irrational in all my thinking . He persuaded me into thinking that he wouldn 't hurt me anymore , that it should be enough that he provided for me financially . I owed it to him to submit to him . The day I had enough and left , only further confirmed that I was making the right decision . Saying hateful things is not something a loving person does . Hitting is not something a loving person does . Being manipulative is not something a loving person does . A loving person doesn 't make you feel worthless . A loving person encourages you to be independent and achieve your goals , not keep you from them . If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship , call this number for resources 1 - 800 - 799 - SAFE ( 7233 ) . Don 't second guess yourself in your choice . Don 't listen to your abuser , when they try to get you to stay . Do not continue to submit . Fight back by leaving and never looking back . Help stop domestic violence . I haven 't written in a while . It took quite some time to start to find myself . But that 's another blog post in and of itself . THIS is about my new little love . My second son , who changed my perspective of birthing and how relationships should work and who I could and couldn 't trust . This is the story of how he came into this world . On Friday , November 18th , I had my membranes stripped . I was 39 weeks 4 days pregnant and very optimistic that it would do much for me . I wasn 't necessarily tired of being pregnant , I was really excited for labor to start . After going for an off and on walk of 3 . 5 miles , I decided to give it a rest and not pursue contractions any further , so that I wouldn 't be worn out the next day if anything happened . I started getting what seemed like Braxton Hicks that evening and they got to 7 minutes apart pretty consistently . They weren 't strong at all , so I decided to get some sleep at midnight . I couldn 't get to sleep in bed , so I came out to the couch and put some " sounds of nature " music channel on to help me sleep . I woke up around 4 : 30AM , to what I thought was me just having a full bladder . I felt restless afterwards and couldn 't sleep . I didn 't know why , until I had a hard and very noticeable contraction . This happened again 10 minutes later and by 5AM , they were averaging 5minutes apart . Still the same intensity . I get more restless , wondering if this really is it and start pacing the living room and kitchen . I kept wanting to do something to keep me busy , but I couldn 't figure out what , even though there were dishes in the sink and cookies I planned on baking . They jumped to 3 minutes apart and a minute long while I paced the rooms . After an hour of pacing around , I started to feel a little worn and stayed sat down for the most part . They spaced out to 5 - 7 minues apart , but more intense and I had to let out low moans to cope . Even though the contractions got harder , the space in between them increasing discouraged me and I started to think that this was another labor tease . heh The denialPosted by Right , so I left off with my moment of clarity . I went to Ray 's work regularly , because that was basically the only access I had to a phone ( his cell phone ) without having to use a pay phone . He 'd been increasingly uneasy about me using his phone without his supervision , because I was " acting sneaky " . On this particular night , I was talking to my mom and my son , who had left for a little bit , until I could get things under control . I talked for 45 minutes , and the whole time while he was on the clock , he sat there . . . . . and listened to the entire conversation . After I got off the phone , he was very angry with me and I asked him what was wrong . " You were on the phone for forty five minutes ! I have work to do ! " Uhhh . . . . so why weren 't you working ? " Because you were being sneaky on the phone . I don 't trust you on the phone with your mom . " Okay , wow . Now , I can 't talk to my friends , my sisters OR my mom . This was rich . So I left a few minutes later ( so he could work , God forbid ) . After I got home , I reactivated my Facebook and asked Billy to send money for Casey to get diapers , etc . He ended up putting in $ 75 . I had a conversation with him , back and forth . I ached to see him . Even though he said he wanted nothing to do with a relationship with me , I needed OUT ! I never mentioned this to Billy , but the $ 75 was my ticket out . When Ray got off work , he demanded to see my Facebook , which he 'd been doing the entire month I 'd been back there . I figured I deserved to have my privacy violated , since I 'd left and betrayed his trust . But tonight , since I knew there was stuff he wouldn 't like , I told him no . An argument follows and he threatens to throw me out , for the 4th time . He expected me to beg him to forgive me , like the last times . It was his leverage on me . This time , I said " FINE ! Go ahead . " And threw all my stuff together in 5 minutes . We argued off and on for 6 hours , the whole time , he 's insulting me , calling me crazy and a whore and the only thing special about me is that I 'm psychotic . All of the insults made me cry , and as I 'm crying , he 's asking me why I ' M crying because I was the one leaving him . * eyeroll * You may ask why I stayed for that long after I 'd gotten all my stuff together . Billy had sent the money through Western Union . It was closed before I would have gotten there that day . I couldn 't leave until the next morning at 9AM . I was stuck . By 4AM , I was drained of all energy and emotion . He almost sucked me back in , when he convinced me to come to bed with him . I didn 't let him touch me . I wept until 5AM and finally fell asleep . I woke up at 8 : 30 at which point , I was met by him sitting on the bed . I grab some of mine and Casey 's things and try to go out the door . He stops me and asks me if I 'm leaving for good this time . When I confirm that I won 't be coming back , he gives me this look I 'll never forget . I could swear it was evil . He got 2 inches from my face . His eyebrows were furrowed deeply , his nose was wrinkled in a snarl and he growled at me through clenched teeth , " You will NEVER come back . You are a piece of trash , good for nothing whore . You 're a garbage parent . I hope you DIE giving birth to my son . You will regret leaving , I promise you . " Then he spit at my feet . This did nothing but confirm I would , indeed , never return . It scared me . I don 't remember feeling that afraid , ever . I wouldn 't have been surprised if he 'd grabbed me by my throat as well . A few of his exes had confirmed that he was physically abusive to them . I had no problem getting the money from Western Union , after I waited for them to open at 9AM . I got gas and left town as quickly as I could . It was hard work not to fall asleep on the way . It was only a 3 hour drive , thank goodness . When I got into town , I headed right for Billy 's work . I stopped at a convenient store first , to call and have him meet me outside . He sounded put out and I didn 't blame him . I was so relieved to see him , I wanted a hug , but knew he didn 't want the same . I tried to give him the rest of the money . I cried and asked him if I could crash on the couch until I could figure out a way to get to my mom 's house . He reluctantly agreed and gave me the key to the apartment . We had a long talk about how things were going to be . We wouldn 't be a couple , I would only stay as long as I needed . He didn 't want me to sleep on the couch , because I was pregnant and the couch was uncomfortable , so I slept in bed with him , but stayed far from each other . It hurt to be so formal with him in person . After a couple days , I couldn 't stand it anymore and started trying to get him to warm up to me . I made him breakfast when he 'd leave in the mornings , fed him well for dinner , and cleaned up the pig sty he had made ( guys living alone equals YUCK ! ) . During this time , we talked more and more about the things that were happening and why they happened and how we had felt when they happened . These times were emotional . A week after I got back , we were talking and he started crying . I was already crying , but I went to him and consoled him , hugging him and stroking his face . We looked at each other for a long time . I wanted to kiss him , that 's all I wanted and all I could have expected . " Kiss me , " I whispered . We kissed deeply and the rest of that night was history , if you know what I mean ( nudge nudge ) We spent the next couple months , mending what had been wrecked during the years of addiction and illness and especially the 6 months of hell we 'd put each other through . No doubt , though , I had put him through more in that time . We were so happy , despite me carrying Ray 's baby . We never talked about the baby together , except the possibility that Ray would never truly FATHER him . The months rolled by , we did better than we 'd ever done . November was my due month , and I started preparing for the birth . During that time , I cleaned like a mad woman and cooked everything under the sun I could think of so I wouldn 't have to when the baby arrived . One night , about a week before I had the baby , and I was cooking , he came up behind me and held me tight and whispered " I love the new you . You 're amazing . " A small divide was driven between us , as we had differing views on where he should be born . He feared for my safety , no doubt , but he was also uneducated . I wanted to stay home , even without the help of a midwife , and he wished I 'd go to the hospital . My mom BEGGED him to convince me to go to the hospital . I knew he felt pressure from her too . I stood my ground . Billy had to leave for work at 6 : 30AM . I had told him a friend was coming over to help me labor and if all went well , he 'd be home when I was ready to deliver . Well , my friend was out of town . I didn 't tell him this , because I didn 't want to worry him more . And I ended up delivering on my own , at 10 : 50AM that day . He was stunned when I called him and told him the news . And relieved . He 'd told his co - workers and even they had been on pins and needles , hoping everything would be okay . I named him , Levi Jaxson Wheeler . He took my last name , because Ray was no longer involved , nor did I want him to be . Levi did fine , when he was first born . Pinked up nice , let out a nice wale , nursed . But when the afternoon rolled around , he started getting sleepy and his color started getting dusky . It would improve for a bit , then his condition would deteriorate again . By 6PM , when Billy got home , I was very worried and took him in . The medical team was great with him and stabilized him quickly . A couple of the staff were condescending about where I had him , no doubt , blaming his condition on me birthing at home , but I didn 't care . I wanted him to be okay . They stabilized him , gave him antibiotics ( because he was born at home and could have been infected ) I was glad that my kids ' pediatrician was on call that night , because I knew him . He didn 't seem upset that I had him at home , just concerned . After 2 days in the NICU , and next to no sleep for me , they did an ultrasound on his brain and it was confirmed that he 'd had a small brain bleed from birth and had nothing to do with being born at home . I was so relieved . I blamed myself for those 2 days . It would have happened , no matter where I 'd given birth . Things went great after being released . And Billy was so proud of me . So proud . While I stayed with Levi in the NICU , he was talking to my mom the whole time and she was criticizing me for staying home and he said exactly this " I don 't care what you think , Wanda . I am so damn proud of her ! She stayed home , gave birth alone , cleaned everything up , and was up and around hours after delivering . She 's actually a housewife now . A better mom . I 'm proud of her . " When my mom told me that , I started crying . I hadn 't heard him say anything speaking so highly of me before . It made me love him even more . We learned to appreciate each other and listen to each other 's needs and to not only love each other , but to CARE FOR each other . Anyone can love , but it takes a strong and mature couple to know to care for one another . We write each other notes like these : ( This note reads : Baby the house looked great tonight . I can tell you worked hard on it . Thank you sweetheart . : ) FYI : You are wonder mom . Levi cried for 5 seconds and you jumped up ( I was sleeping on the couch ) heh I thought it was the tv , but not you . lol You are wonder mom and a good one . I am so proud of you . ) Seeing , hearing each other 's love has impacted us and showed us that love can truly do anything . We are still happily together , and loving each other more . There are still issues from the past we need to work out , but they no longer go ignored . I love Billy and I love our life together . I couldn 't ask for a better man . We started out so dysfunctional and such an odd couple . We beat the odds . Nobody thought we belonged together , much less stay together . But we 're proof that love knows no bounds and that love is a choice and we chose to keep loving each other , even after all we 'd been through . I love you , sweetie , with all my heart . I was at the food bank with my son , who will be 7 months on the 19th . We sat down by another mother , who looked to be about 17 or 18 , whose son is also 7 months old . Her baby started getting fussy , so of course she grabs his bottle and mixes some formula to feed him . Now , I don 't have a problem with formula feeding moms at all , especially when I don 't know the circumstances and who on earth would ASK what the circumstances are , anyway . But I saw myself in her , when I was her age . This is only related to what caused my guilt . She looks over and says not - so - quietly " Oh , you 're nursing ? Oh that 's so wonderful ! I nursed all three of mine for 2 years each . It 's the absolute BEST that you can give your children ! " And through talking for a few more minutes I found out that she too , had home births with her children , as I had , with my youngest . I saw the other mother out of the corner of my eye when the old woman was talking and she lowered her head and turned a bit and I felt bad that she had to hear that . It doesn 't matter how true it is , maybe she knows the benefits and regrets starting formula , maybe she couldn 't keep her supply because she had to work , or just dried up for no reason , maybe she was misinformed and told not to breastfeed and that formula was " just as good as " breast milk . I felt guilty that it came easy to me . I loved that the old woman was lovingly encouraging , but I wished she hadn 't said anything , to spare the young mother the shame . I still feel a little bit of shame that I didn 't breastfeed my oldest that long . He was only 6 weeks old when I weaned . And at 17 , you tend to believe a lot of stuff you 're told about parenting . I was lucky that I kept my supply for 7 months with my 2nd child . I dried up from flu a few times , and then I became selfish and didn 't want to " be tied down " anymore . And , I hope I can save some mothers from feeling ashamed or not good enough . Every mom that feeds their child the best that THEY KNOW HOW is a good mom . When you know better , you DO better , and when you do better , you can afford to help others as well . If we can work together and not shame each other , then we all learn something and we ALL do better . My mom found out what was going on and forced me to stay home for 2 weeks or she 'd call CPS . They should have been called long before that . We stayed clean long enough for me to land a good job , working at a heart and lung clinic , doing medical records . I loved the job and I was happy to be making good money . Temptation led right back to the dope . This time , pills were a constant add in the mix . Fast forward 7 months . I 've just lost my job after having been caught being high at work . After that , Billy and I lost our apartment and we moved into my mom 's house . Billy kept getting high as I struggled to stay clean and this took a toll on our relationship . After I entered a program to help me stay clean , I left him . Now , I failed to mention before , that I 'm Bipolar and since I wasn 't medicated and only clean a couple months , I was having manic episodes . A week after our wedding , I decided I wanted to go to Seattle and live . . . alone . After I got there , I turned on my phone and got several messages from Billy saying he was going to hurt himself , he was so confused , why did I do this , and like a flash I snapped out of my mania . I panicked and bolted back to Montana . But not before I got pulled over twice for going way over the speed limit . I had to get there before anything happened to Billy . We moved out of my mom 's house shortly after and started over in our own house . I found out I was pregnant in early October , which , again was a surprise because I was on birth control . The idea quickly grew on us and we began planning . To our dismay , 4 weeks later , I lost the baby a week before my 19th birthday . We were disappointed , but agreed to try to have another baby as soon as I recovered . We became pregnant on New Year 's Eve that year . In June , Billy got promoted at his job and we moved 300 miles away from the town we called home . Pregnant and without family for the first time , it was hard on me , which made it hard on our relationship . I made several trips to my moms house that summer . A few of them were unannounced to my husband and this too strained our relationship . I was so alone , with Billy working so many hours . I knew no one and our son was so spirited , he made it difficult to go anywhere , even the 12 step meetings I needed to attend . In October 7th , we were blessed when Casey Mercedes James made her entrance into the world on her due date . She had red hair , just like daddy . And those were our first words when she was born . " She has red hair ! " The little girl we had decided on 3 years before was finally here and we were happy . Our happiness would soon falter , as 2 months after my daughter 's birth , I feared I might hurt myself and entered treatment . The doctor dismissed my insistence that I was Bipolar and misdiagnosed me as clinically depressed . What was it that people say ? The customer is always right ? Anyway , I didn 't continue my medication , because it didn 't stabilize me . My emotional troubles affected my husband and I . We weren 't spending time together , I wasn 't cleaning the house because I was anxious and depressed and this made Billy resentful , which made him not want anything to do with intimacy and this drove me deeper . I found solace in socializing on the internet and immersed myself , so I could hide from my life . I found motivation to start exercising ( but not clean . . . weird ) and I was starting to feel good about myself . But when I entered a 5K race , Thanksgiving 2010 , I trained hard and was confident . I was finally doing something . Billy didn 't want to go and I told him to stay home , I didn 't care if he didn 't go as long as I wasn 't late . He puttered around , getting ready , we get there . . . . . 15 minutes late . I couldn 't race . I was crushed . I hated him after that . He ruined something I ached to achieve . After that , I gave up on exercise . Why do it , if I didn 't have a goal and why try to achieve a goal , if he was going to crush it ? Again , I found solace on the internet and I stumbled across an ex ( Ray ) , who was going to be done with pre - release in January . We started talking and he " listened to me " and " understood me " . We were talking more and more , and soon , I was making plans to leave Billy . When it came time to leave , in late January , a friend of Ray 's came to get us . It was 3 hours to get to his house . The grass was greener on the on other side for only a few weeks . Ray seemed to get upset about small things and didn 't like me being on Facebook or to text anyone . Even my family . He made the excuse that it was " hard to adjust to life on the outside " . I believed him . On Valentine 's Day , he 'd been up all night and was being especially mean . The landlord had to come over to fix the water heater and when Casey wouldn 't be quiet ( she was 15 months old ) he gave me a look I don 't think I could forget , it was so mean - looking . On Valentine 's Day . I talked to Billy on the computer that night , when I couldn 't sleep and we came to the agreement that I needed to get out and I still wanted to be with him . I had talked to a friend on Facebook about my plans to leave . The next day , I 'd left my Facebook logged in and he went through my messages and found what I said to my friend . I was afraid to leave with him knowing . The next couple weeks dragged by and we had to move into Ray 's co - worker 's house , because Ray 's landlord didn 't like us living together without being married ( whatever , old guy ) . When we moved into his friend 's house , his behavior got worse . I became friends with his co - worker ( female ) and he didn 't like it one bit . In the middle of March , I found out I was pregnant . I was scared . I knew he would hold it over my head . " You can 't leave if you 're pregnant with my baby . " Two days after I found out I was pregnant , I left and came back to Billy . I left while I was manic and I second guessed myself so many times that I didn 't know where I wanted to be , or where I should be . I went back to Ray . When I got back his friend was bitter with Ray and made us leave . We had to live in a motel . We fought everyday over things that he started . And he pinned the blame on me , every time . Since most of the fights were through texts , I SAW and knew that he was starting the fights , but being told that I was instigating the fights made me overcautious of what I could and couldn 't say . I texted him with the computer and he made me stay on the computer to text him every second he was at work . If the room was a mess , say maybe Casey made a mess , he got mad , but I was helpless to do anything about it , because if I didn 't text him right away , he 'd flip out and accuse me of this and that and a fight would ensue , with blaming me . It was all my fault . Again , seeing how harmful his behavior was , I left to be with Billy . This time , I thought it was for good and Billy and I were starting to repair our relationship , despite being pregnant with Ray 's baby . Everything was going great , but I started talking to Ray again , and he sucked me back into his trap . But this time , before I left , I 'd gotten help for my Bipolar and had just started taking medication . Being with Ray again was worse than ever . He blamed me for everything bad that happened . He didn 't let me go anywhere alone . I couldn 't get off the computer to do anything without getting in trouble . The day we found out the sex of the baby , things seemed great . I was tired , and wanted to take a nap . But he wanted to have sex . After telling him no repeatedly and him getting very angry , I told him I was leaving to cool off and run some errands . He told me my stuff would be on the lawn if I left . I told him to go ahead . He got in the car , so that he could make sure of where I was going . We argued the whole way to where I was going and I cried while driving . After we got back , I laid Casey down for a nap . He still insisted that we have sex . No no no no . I said it over and over . My words fell upon deaf ears . Afterwards , he made me feel guilty for being upset by saying he felt like shit about himself . My feelings weren 't valid as far as what he 'd done to me . HE was the victim of what happened . He made me delete my Facebook several times over the next 10 days . It wouldn 't be until 4 days later that I would find a moment of clarity . I want to post a disclaimer that this story has a lot of personal details . Comments are welcome , but please , no bashing , as these events are in our past . Since there is a lot of content , I will be posting this in segments of three or four . And one reason I feel I can share this . . . This long journey started before we ever met and everything happened so we could meet the way we did . Our journey started one day , sitting at a stop light in traffic . This probably sounds cheesy and even cliche , but it was true for me . I saw this guy in traffic , average guy . I got this feeling in my gut , my soul and it told me " This man is going to change your life forever . " He did . He was my sister 's co - worker at the local IHOP . I started work there , roughly a month after I saw him in traffic . I 'd forgotten all about him until I saw him at work , the day after I was hired . We laughed and joked and had fun together at work , but something was there . After a week , we flirted around and one night , about 2 weeks later , I told him that I really liked him and he agreed , he felt the same way . That night , we shared a kiss in the men 's bathroom , while I was supposed to be cleaning . It was the most magical moment ever . For a second , my heart stopped and I tingled and the room disappeared , it was only us . See what I mean ? Cliche . But it was true for me . His name was Billy . Being together was one thing . . . but there was a problem . An age gap . I was 16 and he was 26 . It had to be kept under wraps , which at a restaurant , does . not . HAPPEN ! My sister found out a month later . Furious , she told my mom and my mom threatened to press charges . In Montana , it 's not statutory rape after you turn 16 , so he couldn 't be touched legally . But it scared us , nonetheless . At the same time , it made us more determined to be together , no matter what . It wasn 't long after we got together that I noticed he was buying and selling pills at work , with the cooks . I was curious , so I got in on the action . I fell in love . I started getting curious with other things and hooked up deals with someone at school , who sold ecstasy , coke , pills , and weed . I don 't know what else he sold , but it was all good and I did try it all . . . . within the same week . Coke was the last thing I tried and since I didn 't care much for it , I sold it to a co - worker . The day after I sold my leftovers to my co - worker , I told Billy that I wanted to try meth at some point . I knew that he did it and wanted in on trying that too . The next day , he picked me up 2 blocks away from the school at lunchtime and we walked around the park . He gave me two gel capsules that looked like prescription pills . I asked him what it was and he told me ( some sort of anti - depressant medication ) . I figured , alright , if it gets me messed up , why not ? He told me to take it and see how I felt in an hour . 20 minutes later , my scalp tightened and tingled , my arms felt giddy and I couldn 't stop grinding my teeth or shut my eyes enough to blink . I didn 't think anything of it . I was light as a feather . For the life of me , couldn 't figure out why I couldn 't stop chewing up the little baggy that the pills came in . I even tore off a little bit of a branch of a tree and started tearing it apart with my teeth . I was also feeling very intimately friendly , to say the LEAST . After our park escapade , he dropped me off at the same place he picked me up from . Before I got out of the truck , he said " You DO know what I gave you , right ? " " Yeah , " I replied . " Prozac , right ? " He paused nervously , " No , it was meth . . . " I FLIPPED OUT ! I got back in the truck and shut the door . " Seriously ? What the fuck ! Really ? " Thousands of thoughts flew through my head . * I didn 't even have a chance to say no . What if I wanted to change my mind and didn 't really want to do it ? * It didn 't matter . I had to get to class . I 'd already skipped one class that day . After 4 days of being up and having lots of sex , I finally came down . My mom found out and demanded I tell her where I got it . I never said anything , but she knew . I got tested and came up positive for everything I 'd tried in the last 2 weeks . A week later , I started feeling sick . I couldn 't control the urge to vomit . I thought I was having negative side effects from being clean . Billy mentioned to me , there was a slight possibility of being pregnant . Since I was on birth control , I doubted it , but opted to go to the community clinic 2 weeks later to get tested . Positive . And by the dates of my last period , I was 6 weeks along . Little did I know , I didn 't bleed from a period . I had implantation bleeding and was 10 weeks pregnant when I found out I was pregnant . I was mortified , because , here I was , between 5 - 7 weeks pregnant and putting all that crap in my body . I had no idea . No clue , until I was clean . I had gotten pregnant 2 days after we got together . The roller coaster started from then on . He continued to do drugs , behind my back and we only saw each other once a week , so he could avoid me knowing ( although , I knew full well what he was up to ) . But since I was in denial , I drove myself crazy , trying to get ahold of him and see him . When I did see him , he didn 't touch me . He drank beer and watched football . I was almost to the point of leaving him , by the time it came to deliver our son . On December 15th , at 7 : 30 in the morning , I woke up in early labor . Since I didn 't know what to expect , I was tense and unsure what to do . This led to a lot of pain . A lot . We made our way to the hospital at 9 : 30 , since it seemed like my contractions were too painful to bare . ( what a wimp I was ! ) We were sent back home , after being deemed " too early in labor " to stay . I was bummed . This left me to cope with my contractions without the help of Billy , because since I had woken him up at 8AM , he was too tired to stay awake . At 5PM , I decided I wanted to go to the hospital . I was about a 4 , but progressing slowly and as soon as I got on monitors , they wanted to keep me in bed . This made contractions so much worse and I begged and begged for the epidural . How was I to know that I had the right to get up out of bed to help with the pain if I wanted ? I was 17 , with no knowledge , except what I was told about how PAINFUL childbirth was . I submitted . After the epidural , there was talk of a c - section , because my contractions were almost stopped . They asked if I wanted pitocin and I nodded , and said yes , between a sob , fear that I might have to be cut open . What choice did I have ? After some amazing coaching from Billy ( I was shocked ) , at 1 : 45AM , I was informed that it was time to push . I didn 't know how to push and gave feeble attempts . After 15 minutes of little pushes , and getting a feel of it , I pushed to a 10 count . At 2 : 30AM , Michael Wayne James was born into the world , but was blue and " in need of resuscitation " . The room was silent for 2 minutes , as the nurses worked on getting him breathing and pinked up and I wept silently . He gave a strong kick and everyone cheered . Once he was swaddled , he wasn 't given to me , everyone else held him ( mom , both sisters , Billy ) . I remember thinking to myself " I . want . my . baby ! " But I waited . I fell in love when I saw him and held him and I vowed to take care of him , good care . Fastforward 4 months . My Billy and I , new parents to a baby boy and seeming happy , got ready to move in together , in our first apartment . An odd , familiar urge rose in me , and I regretfully didn 't ignore this urge . When Michael was almost 5 months old , my boyfriend and I started doing drugs again . We were smoking meth , shortly after moving in . I wasn 't able to hold down a job , due to my use . As soon as I had a bad day at work , I quit . In mid - August of 2007 , when Micahel was 8 months old I got in an accident and I cried and cried because I was so glad my son wasn 't with me in the car . I had found a needle with meth in it that my boyfriend was hiding . Shooting up ? Hmmm . . . Well , since he 's going behind my back , I 'll go behind his . I called up a couple that shot up dope together and asked them if they 'd help me with my first time . . . . . . That whole week was a blur . I cheated on Billy with the couple because I wanted to get high some more . What did I care if I had to do that ? It made me aroused anyway . Billy found out the next day and a shit storm ensued . He went out and drank . We made up by doing some dope and having sex . People say there 's nothing more intimate than shooting up with your partner . At the time , they were right . |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Posted on April 25 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply After my conversation with Zeus , I put on my pajamas and climbed into bed . I sat there for a while , trying to will myself into being tired . I 'd barely slept the night before , but still I just wasn 't tired in the slightest . I knew that if I didn 't sleep , I 'd probably collapse from exhaustion tomorrow , which would be pretty embarrassing . But it was hard . I 'd gotten accustomed to the sound of my son 's soft breathing lulling me to sleep . I was used to going up to his crib and stroking his beautiful black hair to help myself feel safe and comforted . I didn 't have that comfort anymore . " Sure , take a seat . Though , I won 't be doing much sleeping tonight . " I told Artemis as she came and pulled herself onto my bed . " I figured . None of us can really sleep either . " She sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest , almost identical to the way I had mine . Before that moment , I 'd never really realized how much we looked alike . I mean , we were twins after all . " This really sucks , dude . I 'm sorry . " " I mean , I don 't know . I 'm just sorry this happened to you . I 'm sorry for how I 've treated you . I know I 've given you such a hard time while we were growing up , but you 're still my sister . You don 't deserve this , Jj doesn 't deserve this . " She blurted out . I 'd never once in my life heard my sister apologize to me . Ever . It was nice . " I know I should 've been nicer to you our whole lives , I don 't know why I was so bitter towards you . I don 't think I 'm that self - aware yet . " She laughed , making me chuckle slightly as well . " But I promise , I 'm gonna try to be nicer to you . And I 'm not doing this because I pity you , because I don 't . But this whole situation has made me realize how important family is . " " Yea , I mean , I 'm gonna have a family of my own pretty soon , but that doesn 't mean I want to abandon this one . I want us to be closer , I actually want to have a sister . " She admitted to me . " Oh my god , that 's amazing , Artemis . Congratulations . " I smiled at her . I didn 't particularly like the guy , but I was happy my sister was happy . " Thank you . Both the engagement and Jj going missing has made me realize how much I love you guys . I want you in my wedding . I want Jj as my ring - bearer , if you 'll let him . " She smiled sheepishly . " We 're gonna find him , Thena . I know we are , Grandma is an amazing witch . I think she 's got a few tricks up her sleeve . " She alluded , making me wonder if there was something she knew that I didn 't . " I hope so . " I said softly . I didn 't want to think about it right now . It made me feel like a terrible mother to feel that way , but I needed a break from the constant grief . I just wanted to have girl - talk with my twin sister , like I 've always dreamed . " No , but probably a summer wedding . I want the sun to be out and I want to be able to wear a strapless dress without being cold . " She smiled . " I 've always dreamed of that . " We laid down next to each other and it felt like a scene from a movie . Like when two sisters or best friends in a movie have a sleepover and just talk about boys and gossip . It was something I always wanted . " Well , I was thinking the old gazebo in town . " She answered my question as soon as she got situated . " I was thinking about doing a location wedding , but that would be too expensive . " " What about you though , what 's your dating life like ? " She asked , it was so strange to see my sister asking me questions in a friendly way . I wasn 't used to her being nice to me . It was a nice kind of strange , though . " Isn 't that your type though , I mean you went for Zeus when he was super nerdy . He 's not so much anymore , but he used to be . " She giggled . Zeus had changed a lot since the last time I 'd seen him . " Nah , not really interested right now . " I reiterated . I really wasn 't . I didn 't really have my eye on anyone there just yet . " I don 't know . I 've just been thinking about it , the wedding and all . I won 't have Dad to walk me down the aisle , or Mom to help me do my hair and tell me how beautiful I look before I go out there and marry him . It just … sucks . " She sighed . " I know . It does . I 've thought about that too . And how my son doesn 't have his grandparents . I mean , you have grandma to do those things , and he has Winter , but still . It 's not the same . " " You 're right , it 's not . " She sighed . " I mean , yea , I do have Grandma . But she 's getting old , Thena . She 's putting on a brave face for you because this situation is shitty enough as it is , but she 's not doing too well . " " I don 't think it 's too serious . " She quickly responded , noticing the fear in my voice . " Probably just arthritis , or something like that . But you know grandma 's tough . " She smiled at me . " Okay . " I sighed , I knew she was just saying that to make me feel better . But I didn 't want to delve into that right now , so I believed it for the time being . " Why do you think she did it ? " " She couldn 't live without Dad , I guess . It 's tragic , but romantic in a sense . " She tsked . " It sucks , since she left us without either parent . But I guess it makes sense . " " You tortured me throughout my life , Artemis . I really appreciate that you 're trying to make things right , but it 's gonna take some time for me to forgive you . " I told her honestly . Maybe it was a little brutal , but she needed to hear it . No one could sleep that night , especially not after a random knock at the door at three in the morning . The cop who 'd been staying with us nearly had a heart attack , but it turns out it was a visitor for my grandma . They gave her a package , and left , before any of us could even see them . She had all of us gather in the kitchen , except Winter who was working on her novel before a deadline . " It 's a lamp . It 'll help me see where Jj is . " She said carefully , I knew she was using to see if he was still alive . " Okay . " She gave me one last look before deciding to move on with her ritual . My grandma started to chant some strange language . It sounded like gibberish . There was no way it was a real language . " I - I can 't see where he is . He 's alive , but he 's under a protection spell . I can 't track him . " She still looked terrified . Not long after that , Hillary rushed outside . We were all upset , and I assumed she just needed to be alone . But after almost half an hour , I decided to go check up on her . Yes , I was upset myself but I cared about Hillary . I didn 't want her to freeze to death . " What does it matter ? " She sighed . " I feel so useless , just waiting around here . I feel like I should be out there , helping search . Doing something . " " Because , I want to be here if we get any news at all . Also … " She paused slightly , glancing at me quickly . " I want to be here for you . If you need me . " " Of course . I care about you . And Jj . That kid brings so much light into my life . You both do . " She blushed slightly as she smiled at me . " Do you think I 'm a bad mother ? I mean , someone was in our house , my bedroom ! And I didn 't even notice . " I gripped onto her for dear life . It felt like she was an anchor , and I was a ship about to float away . " Not at all . How could you have known ? It 's not like we live in a bad area . It 's not your fault at all . " " Then it 's not your fault either , Athena . You 're an amazing mother , to an incredible little boy . This is going to have a happy ending , I promise . " She got on her tippy - toes and kissed me on the forehead . " Of course , you 're my best friend . " She smiled at me and gave me another hug . " Now , get some sleep please . We need you well rested if we 're going to find our Jj . " Hillary told me she loved me , that I was her best friend . I 'd never had a best friend that wasn 't family before . Her saying I 'm her best friend is a good thing , right ? Posted on March 17 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply That phone call was absolutely devastating . Someone had my son . There was no lead on who it could possibly be . The police were trying to trace the call , but they couldn 't . They needed him to call again . So far , he hadn 't . But there was a police officer staying here with us tonight just in case anything else happened . Everything was so overwhelming for me , it was too much to take in so I retreated into my room . Seeing his empty crib made my heart break all over again . I just sat on my bed and cried . This room felt so empty without my son . It hadn 't even been twenty - four hours yet but I felt like my life was ending . " Athena ? " I hadn 't even heard her come in , but there was my grandma standing right in front of my bedroom door . She looked tired and stressed . Her face was red and raw , like she 'd been crying . She probably had been . " Y - yea ? " I replied hesitantly . I wasn 't exactly in the mood for conversation but I wasn 't about to be rude to my grandmother . As she sat down on my bed , my cat Dexter , followed suit . I smiled slightly at the sight of my cat . He was such a calming presence , I was glad he followed her in here . " I 'm so sorry Athena . I should 've protected this place . I didn 't even think to . I 've gotten so complacent with the peace we 've had in recent years . I thought I didn 't have to fear for your safety anymore . I thought we were finally being left alone . I 'm so sorry you 've had this happen . " " It 's not your fault , Grandma . I 'm a witch too . I could 've protected this place but I didn 't . " Sure , I didn 't really know all that much about protection spells , but I could 've learned . " I didn 't teach you very much . I worked so often during your childhood and teenage years that I didn 't have time . But I want to change that . " " I 'm gonna teach you . Defensive spells , offensive spells . All of it . I know it 's a little late , but if we 're gonna find Jj and get him back , we 're going to need all the knowledge and all the witch power we can get . " Grandma told me confidently . I wish I could 've shared the feeling . " I don 't know Grandma , are you sure I can handle this ? " I asked . My hands were still shaking , my legs felt numb . I didn 't feel like this was something I could do right now . " How can I sleep at a time like this ? " The thought of sleeping , while my little boy was with that creep … It didn 't feel right . " You need your strength , Athena . I 'll wake you if we get any news . Now , get some sleep . " She ordered . Grandma kissed me softly on the forehead and smiled . That night I didn 't sleep much . My body was exhausted , but my mind was racing too fast to rest at all . So when my grandma came in my room early in the morning , I almost cried from exhaustion . But I didn 't want to stay in bed all day , I needed to get up and work towards getting my son back . I knew I 'd never rest normally until he was back in my arms . I kept hitting her with a blinding light spell , and she was starting to get frustrated . " Goddamn Athena , give me a chance to get my shit together ! " She yelled , though she wasn 't looking in my direction . She couldn 't see , it was quite amusing to see her looking so lost . " This isn 't a ' lets take turns blinding each other with spells ' exercise . This is a battle , Artemis . You 're my enemy right now and I 'm not gonna let you win . " I told her , while sending another blinding spell her way . " Don 't be a poor sport , Artemis . That 's not gonna fly in a real battle . You 're gonna end up dead if you keep talking like that . " Hillary chimed in from next to me , while masterfully blocking all of Zeus 's spells . " Oh shut up . " Zeus grumbled , while trying his hardest to actually hit Hillary with his spells . It wasn 't easy , she was good and he had terrible aim . " If anyone should be shutting up , its you and Artemis . You guys should be focusing on actually trying to beat your opponents . " Winter sighed from behind the two of them . That night , I sat alone in the kitchen after everyone was asleep . They 'd set up some sleeping bags in the garage and were staying there . I offered my grandma my bed but she refused to take it , she was so stubborn . It was hard for me to be in my bedroom . My son 's cold , empty crib was a sore reminder of how I screwed up . I wasn 't diligent enough . I should 've set a protection spell , or at the very least an alarm system . I felt like such an awful parent . How could I let someone kidnap my toddler ? " Listen Athena , I 'm so sorry . I 've been such a dick . I 'm sorry for the way things went down . " Zeus couldn 't make eye contact , he just stared down at the table . " You were an asshole to me . To both of us . You didn 't make any time for us , you blamed me for keeping him , and you said you didn 't want any of this . That sucked , Zeus . " " I know . I wish I could take it all back . I 'm not much older than I was then , but I still feel like I 've grown . I don 't feel that way anymore . " He sighed . " I don 't think keeping him was a mistake . I don 't blame you . I was an asshole , I should 've spent more time with both of you , I should 've helped more . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " I wish I could take it back . " " You 're making excuses , Zeus . You 're only saying all of this because he 's not here . He 's missing , and you only give a shit about him now because now you don 't get to decide if you ever get to see him again . Before , we were just in the background of your life . If you ever wanted to see us , the option was there . But now that option is gone and only now you give a shit about it . " I ranted . It was rich that he was doing this now . How he only cared now that Jj was missing . " Maybe you 're right . Maybe I only care now because he 's not here . But , we 're going to find him . We 're going to get our son b - " He started , but I stopped him . " That 's not fair Athena . He 's still my son . Give me another chance . I promise , when we get him back , I 'll come around a lot more . I 'll be a part of his life . " He was practically begging me . " I 'll think about it . I don 't want to set my son up for heartbreak . " I told him . And with that , I got up and went to bed . Posted on February 7 , 2017 by ryan795 Reply Immediately after realizing Jj wasn 't in the house , I dialed Zeus . Maybe he decided he wanted him in his life after all ? I wasn 't thinking straight , but I had to know if he was with his father . " Are you sure ? Is he with Zeus ? Can you check ? " I fired my words so rapidly I wasn 't sure if she even understood what I said . " I 'll check but I don 't think so . What 's going on ? " She sounded much more awake than before , panic rising through her voice . " He 's not here , I can 't find him anywhere ! " I started to feel myself lose control . My son was missing and we had no idea where he was . After calling the police , Hillary made sure I got dressed . She told me there would be people talking to me all day , and I probably wouldn 't want to be in my bra while they did . She was right , and I was so thankful to have her in my life in those moments . It wasn 't long after that before the cops arrived , then my family . Even Zeus . I was surprised to see him , I had no idea he even cared . My heart ached slightly , I hadn 't seen him in a while and he looked good . The police got all our statements , then the crime scene investigator started searching my room . The rest of the cops went out to canvas or something . I wasn 't really paying attention , I was in shock . " Don 't worry ma ' am , we 'll find your son . There 's never been a missing person 's case that the Riverview police couldn 't solve . " The cop who stayed at our house with us assured me . " You 're damn right . He better come back without a scratch on his perfect little head or else I will raise more hell than this town has ever seen . " Hillary rubbed my back comfortingly , " Don 't worry Thena , we 're getting our Jj back . " " I 'm his other parent . " Zeus chimed in from his spot near the desk . " I - I haven 't been around , t - this is a - all my fault . " He started to sob . No one jumped up to comfort him . " It 's not . It 's mine . I was the one caring for him . " I chimed in . The cop looked uncomfortable and announced he was going to check on the crime scene investigator . " That 's not true . You were caring for him , but it isn 't your fault . He needed me and I wasn 't there for him . I fucked up . " Zeus buried his face in his hands . I didn 't know what to say . " I don 't think anyone is at fault here . This isn 't the first case of this happening . " Artemis chimed in from her place on the floor . She 'd brought her laptop with her , and was doing some research on it apparently . " The towns around us have missing toddler cases as well . All witches too . " " No . But , maybe it 's different this time . Maybe they 're not related . " She turned to me and smiled , something she 'd never done before in our lives . " Hopefully , Artemis . Why don 't you go pass that information onto the cop ? They might know already but it 's still a good idea to tell them . " My grandma suggested . She looked so old in that moment , so tired . I knew she 'd been through hell in her life and this was no exception . I hoped she would live long enough to at least see Jj start school , hopefully even more than that . " Okay Grandma , I 'll be back . " Artemis closed her laptop and stood up . " I 'm so sorry , Athena . We 'll find him . " She stopped before me and smiled slightly . I wondered where my sister was and what kind of alien was in her place . But it didn 't work . My son wasn 't here . We had no idea where he was . I couldn 't handle the idea that I might never see him again , or hear his laugh again . It was too much . " We 're gonna find him . I 'll search the entire world myself if that 's what it takes . But we 'll find him . " Hillary told me quietly . I jumped up and immediately made my way towards the phone . Just as I reached to answer , I stopped myself . Did I want to know what the person on the other side of the phone was gonna say ? Was it good news ? Bad news ? Was my son dead ? Was he hurt ? So many possibilities ran through my head . " Doesn 't matter right now , sweetheart . " The voice replied . It sounded familiar , they had a deep manly voice and a strange accent , but I couldn 't place who it was . " He 's not your son anymore . " The man turned angry . " He 's ours . There 's nothing you can do to get him back . Don 't even try . " " I can 't do that , darling . " His voice returning to that creepy , faux - pleasant tone it was at before . " He 's ours now . Don 't you dare come after him . We 'll know if you do . " I dropped to my knees and started to scream . Behind me , I could hear my family jumping up to comfort me , asking me what happened . I could hear the cop and my sister running from the next room . Posted on October 22 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Hillary , James and I got our own place shortly after Zeus and I broke up . It was a small two - bedroom rental near the school , which would be nice in a few years when Jj was old enough . Hillary was an author , so she did all of her work at home . That worked out perfectly for me , she could watch him while I took classes at the local community college . " I haven 't . I mean I tried to reach out shortly after I moved out but he never answered . The ball 's in his court now , if he 's interested in seeing his son then he can reach out to me . If not , that 's his loss . And that just means we get more time with this little guy . " I smiled and reached out to touch Jj 's face gently . He was so precious . " I haven 't really thought about it . But I don 't need his help . He can be a deadbeat if he wants to be , I 'm not gonna force him to be involved in any way if he doesn 't want to be . " I shrugged . Sure , we weren 't rich , but we had a roof over our heads and clothes on our back . We didn 't need much more than that . " Maybe Zeus needs a little push . " Hillary suggested wearily . We still didn 't know each other very well and it seemed like she was afraid to upset me . " Maybe . But I 'm not his mother . It 's not my job to push him , y ' know ? " I responded , no hint of anger in my voice . " If Winter wants to push him , she can be my guest . Not my job though . " " Not if he 's gonna act like we don 't exist . " I chuckled , Jj was slamming away on his little xylophone without a care in the world . " I don 't want Jj to get his heart broken . He doesn 't need to get his hopes up just for them to be destroyed . " " That 's actually probably a good idea . " Hillary mused while lazily reaching over to pet Dex . " My father always promised to show up to things , but he 'd never show . It hurt every time . Probably best to save him the heartache . " " Mama will get you a bottle right now . " I stood up and made my way to the kitchen , noting the time . It was six - thirty , half an hour later than I usually feed him . Time sure flies when you 're having fun … As soon as I handed my little James his bottle , he stopped crying and smiled . It didn 't take much to make him happy at this age . I smiled to myself , I wished he would stay this size forever . " I really don 't mind Athena . And besides , you guys don 't live with me . We all live here together . It 's not like you 're living here rent free . " She tried to laugh , but it came out as a weird snort due to her odd angle . " He is absolutely not a nuisance . That kid is a gosh - darn gift to humanity . " She smiled . Hillary was a little rambunctious , but she 'd been keeping her swearing in check in front of Jj . For which I was very grateful for . " Are you gonna be a good boy tonight for mommy ? " I held Jj in my arms , getting ready to put him down for the night . He 'd recently started having issues sleeping through the night . " But mama , da boogie man . " His eyes grew wide with fear . " He gonna get me tonight " He looked like he was about to cry . " Shh , no he won 't baby . Mommy will be right here , I won 't leave the bedroom at all . I 'll protect you from any boogie man . " I rubbed his back , reassuringly . I stretched , yawned and got out of my bed . " Good morning , my love . It 's time to get up . " I spoke lazily as I made my way to Jj 's crib . " Jj ? " I called out , starting to panic . Maybe this was a new phase ? Climbing out of his crib ? He had to be hiding around here somewhere . He had to be . Posted on May 1 , 2016 by ryan795 1 " Hey Zeus , do you think you could watch Jj for a bit ? I 've been with him all day and I really need a nap . " I carried my son out to the living room where my boyfriend was sat on the couch . Zeus didn 't even look up from his video game . " Seriously ? You 're not going to help at all ? You 're just gonna play video games ? " I was getting frustrated . Jj was a few months old and Zeus was barely helping . He was either at school or playing video games . Raising our son was solely on my shoulders at this point . " Look , I know you 're tired but I am too . Raising a kid isn 't easy . I 'm really stressed out , okay ? " Zeus 's temper started to show . " I know raising a kid isn 't easy , I 've basically been doing it on my own . When you 're at school , I 'm with him . When I 'm at work , my grandma or your mom is with him . You never spend time with him . Or me . " " Sleeping in the same room as us isn 't spending time with us ! You only play with Jj when he 's in a good mood , and I don 't think I 've ever seen you change his diaper . What exactly is your role here ? " " I 'm trying to finish school so I can get a decent job . I don 't want to be a high school dropout , like you . " He accused . " I 'm not a dropout , I 'm in online school . You know that ! " I yelled back . He was being an asshole for no reason . " It 's been a while , I 'll admit . But my son comes first . He 's my priority , and I can 't just drop him and do schoolwork . He needs to be taken care of , and I 'm the one who 's here to do it for him . " I was getting very frustrated . " I never get time to de - stress . I 'm always stressed . But you know what , fine . De - stress . I don 't care . I 'll just look after our son on my own . Because it 's obvious that I 'm the only one of the two of us who actually gives a shit about him . " " It wasn 't my decision to keep the baby ! " He screamed at me . " You are the one who couldn 't go through with an abortion . You decided to raise him . I don 't want any of this . I 'm a teenager . I shouldn 't have a baby ! " " A - are you serious ? " I stared at him in disbelief . Sure , it wasn 't an ideal situation , but our son was so incredible . I just couldn 't see how someone wouldn 't want him . " Yea I 'm serious . We had plans , Athena . We were going to go to college . You were gonna be a doctor , I was gonna be a musician . We were going to have an amazing life . But now we 're stuck with a kid . How are we supposed to do anything now ? " " You don 't have to stay . I love Jj enough for both of us . He doesn 't need a shitty dad like you . " I glared at him . " Athena . " He pinched the bridge of his nose . " I don 't want to abandon you . That 's not what I 'm saying . I 'm just saying that I don 't like this situation and you shouldn 't expect me to . I can 't just magically enjoy being a teen father . " " We have an incredible baby , and if you don 't enjoy that you can go . Life gets hard sometimes , but you don 't just give up . You make it work . " " You 're gonna have to , Zeus . That 's life ! But if you really don 't want to be a father , you can leave . I don 't need you . " I seethed . I sat down on the couch and started to cry . Jj was so amazing , I just don 't see why Zeus didn 't want to be there for him . Sure , it was a lot of work and it wasn 't easy , but Jj 's smiling little face made it all worth it . Zeus was on board before Jj was born , and now everything changed . I just couldn 't understand . I just really hoped that after Zeus calmed down , he 'd change his mind . He could just be really stressed and over tired . He could just be saying things he didn 't mean . " Does that mean you don 't love him ? " I felt extremely hurt . He seemed like he was supportive , but now he was throwing everything back in my face . " I don 't love you . I don 't love that you put me in this situation . I thought I could do this , but once he came it was just too much . I 'm not ready for this responsibility . I can 't handle it . I want to be in his life , but I just can 't do it right now . " " I 'm sixteen , Athena . I 'm a kid . I thought I could support you but I just can 't . I 'm not ready for this . " " I just can 't see a future with you anymore . Having a baby so young , it just ruined us . It ruined what we had . I 'm sorry . " " Well , if you 're really breaking up with me , then you can say goodbye to your son . He doesn 't need a wishy - washy asshole in his life . " I stormed out of the room . I made my way out onto the balcony . I didn 't know what I was going to do from here . Jj and I couldn 't stay here . We needed our own place , but I wasn 't sure how I was going to do that . Being a teen parent was hard , especially a single teen parent . I could drop out and get my GED . From there I could get a full - time job to provide for my son and I . It wouldn 't be easy , but I would do it . " Not really , Zeus just broke up with me . So now it 's just me and Jj . " I sighed and wiped the tears off my face . " Emotionally , maybe . But raising a baby isn 't easy . I barely have the funds to buy what he needs . How am I supposed to move out ? " " Why do you need to move out ? " She asked . Over the years , I 'd realized that Hillary was extremely kind . I wasn 't sure why she hung out with my sister and her crew , but it was nice to have a friendly face around . " I live with emotionally distant parents . I want to get out . I think it would be good for both of us . If we put our money together , we could get a decent place . " Hillary offered . A / N : I 'm so sorry for the long wait , things in my life have been a little crazy recently . This year has been a roller coaster so far . But I 'm in a really good place right now , so hopefully I 'm back to updating regularly . Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter 🙂 Posted on February 6 , 2016 by ryan795 2 Being pregnant wasn 't as awful as I thought it would be . I was already used to throwing up , so morning sickness wasn 't a terrible thing for me . I spent a lot of my first trimester reading about pregnancy and what I needed to do to prepare for my baby . It was a little intimidating , but I knew I wasn 't alone . Dexter spent a lot of time with me . I think he knew that there was something going on . We spent hours together up in the library , just reading pregnancy and baby books . Occasionally Zeus would join us as well . He wasn 't as strong of a reader as I was but he was definitely trying to read as many as he could . I was glad he was my partner in this . As my pregnancy progressed , I switched to online school . Artemis told everyone once she found out , and people were mocking me all through the halls . My grandma and I decided that online school would be best , especially after the baby was born . When I wasn 't doing my schoolwork , I was practicing some alchemy . With the baby coming , I wanted to know how to protect it . The setup was in Winter 's office , so we spent a lot of time together . " We 're good . I don 't see him much though , since he has a part - time job now . But I 'm glad he does , we need the money . " " Of course , I care about him and we need to work together if we want to stay together . He has a few nights off a week and we usually spend those together . " I assured her . " That 's good . You 're a smart girl Athena , you 're really mature for your age . I have no worries about whether or not you can pull this off . " " Trust me , I 've been waiting to have a grandchild . I didn 't think it would be this soon , but nevertheless I 'm excited . I 've got plenty of ideas . " One of her ideas was having Zeus and Artemis switch rooms . She got his old room and he moved in mine . Of course , we had separate beds , but it would be a nice set up once the baby came . We 'd gotten a crib and a few small toys , we were actually very excited for the baby . " Yea , I mean we can 't raise our baby in this house . There 's too many people here . We 'll have to move out at some point . The sooner the better , really . " He explained . " I guess yea , but you might change your mind once it 's born . Babies are a lot of work , and here we have a lot of support . I think we should stay at least a year . That gives us time to save up and get used to having a baby . " I reasoned . Moving out too soon could add too much stress . " We 're not gonna stay here forever babe . I 'll finish school , take care of the baby during the day while you 're at school . Then I 'll get a night job while you stay at home with the baby . " I reasoned . " You don 't have to stay at it . But if you really want to , we can have someone watch the baby while we 're working . " I offered . " We will be amazing parents , especially since there 's two of us . Neither of us ever had that , and I 'm glad we get to be that for our baby . " I said . The closer I got to my due date , the more sore I got . I could barely stand at the alchemy station anymore . So I spent most of my time in the living room , since climbing the stairs all the way to the library was a struggle . " Leave me the fuck alone , Artemis . I 'm pregnant for gods - sake . Of course I 'm fat and lazy , I 'm supposed to be . Now stop being an evil bitch and get out of my face ! " I yelled at her . " Oh I 'm the whore ? I 've only been with one guy . Rumor has it that you 've had the whole football team at once . You have no right to call me that . " I accused . " Don 't even go there . I got pregnant my first time , it 's not like I 'm some sex freak . Just leave me alone . " " How am I ruining his life ? He loves me , and we 're in this together . You 're just jealous that my boyfriend actually gives a shit about me . " I yelled at her , her boyfriend barely spent any time with her anymore . The guy was sketchy as hell . " You really think that ? You 're such a dumb , naive little girl . Of course he 's not going to stay with you , they never do . He 'll eventually realize that he can just leave and have a better life . Then it 'll just be you and the little brat . " " Fuck you . I hate you . You know nothing about Zeus and I . " I balled my fists . I would punch her , but I didn 't want to hurt myself or the baby . " Trust me , Zeus and I have been friends longer than you 've been dating . He 's a coward . He 's gonna leave as soon as shit gets serious . " " Fine . But don 't say I didn 't warn you . " She yelled , then stormed off . I sat back down on the couch , fuming . But I wouldn 't let Artemis come between me and my family . All of my doubts about Zeus went out the window as my due date approached . He gave me massages whenever I needed them . He helped me get all of our baby stuff organized to prepare for the arrival . Most of our time together was spent on the couch , just relaxing and talking about our future . " Oh god . Oh god . We 're gonna have a baby . Oh my god . " He grabbed his hair and looked like he was gonna pull it out . " Grab my bag while you 're at it , Zeus . " I yelled after him . I slowly started making my way to the door so we could get to the hospital as soon as possible . James Jorge Mortem was born six hours later . He was seven pounds even , and he was absolutely perfect . Zeus and I were completely in love with him . I was so excited to start my life with the two of them . Posted on January 15 , 2016 by ryan795 2 I 'd been trying , I really had been . For Zeus , I was doing my best to keep my food in my stomach . Since I stopped wanting it to happen , it happened a lot less . Except for the past week . I couldn 't keep anything down . I was constantly bending over to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet or a trashcan . I was miserable , and I couldn 't understand why it was happening . " I know . But I 'll fix it . You stay here , I 'm gonna run to the store to buy a pregnancy test . " He laid a hand on my shoulder . " We 'll go from there , okay ? " While Zeus ran to the store , I waited in the library . My mind was racing , I couldn 't be pregnant . Zeus and I had only been dating for a few weeks . We were both still in high school , if I was pregnant we 'd never graduate or go to college . I 'd never be a doctor like I wanted . My grandma would kill me if I had a baby this young . She 's always been so proud of me , she 's always thought I could do amazing things . But now I 'll just be a teen mom with no high school diploma , working part time at the grocery store or something . " Me too , but we don 't know if we even have something to be scared about . Here , take the test so we know for sure . " He placed the bag on the table . " I mean , abortion is an option , babe . No pressure , though . I just want you to know that 's an option . " Zeus and I sat in the library a few minutes later , after the pregnancy test came up positive . " I don 't know if I could do that though . I want to go to college and stuff , but I don 't think I could go through with an abortion . " I stressed . I had options , I just didn 't know what option to choose . " Maybe not . Sure , she 'll be disappointed , but she 'll want to help . She 'll help us come to a decision . " He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration . " Y - you 're pregnant ? " Winter asked , the shock very apparent in her voice . I kept my head down , I couldn 't look at her . I didn 't want to see the disappointment in her eyes . " Well I can 't tell either of you what to do . But I just want you both to know that a baby is a huge responsibility . It 's not fun . You 'll have sleepless nights , you 'll want to rip your face off sometimes . " She started . " I don 't mean it like that love . " She giggled . " I love you , but it wasn 't easy . Especially since I was alone . You too have each other , but this is a high school relationship . There 's no guarantee you 'll be together forever . " " School isn 't going to be easy with a baby . You 'll have a lot of help from me , Elsa and Sebastian , but the majority of the responsibility will be on you two . You 'll need a job , babies cost money . " She explained . " Oh of course . " Her face lit up . " Having Zeus was the best thing that 's ever happened to me . There 's nothing better than seeing a tiny being that you brought into the world , staring back at you . I 've never loved anyone like I love my son . " " I 'm scared that if I have this baby , I won 't feel that way . " I admitted . It was one of my biggest fears about having a baby . What if I didn 't love it ? " Well my mom didn 't love me . She killed herself right after we were born . I don 't want to do that to my kid . " " Oh Thena , Natalia had a lot of issues . But she loved you , I know she did . If her circumstances were different , she 'd still be here . But unfortunately things didn 't work out that way . You have a great life , a loving family and a stable home . You 'll be fine . " " What 's happening in here ? " My grandma came in behind me , scaring the crap out of me . I glanced at Zeus . terrified about what I should say . He grabbed my hand under the table and gave me a squeeze . " I - I 'm pregnant . " I told her , and I started to cry , I felt so awful . I knew I was letting her down . " No , I guess not . But if you 're sure this is what you want , I 'll support you . " She sighed . " I mean , I 'm not happy , but I know accidents happen . We can make the best out of this . " We all went our separate ways not long after that . Artemis wasn 't home so I had our room to myself . I was terrified . I was having a baby , at fifteen . My life was about to be over , and I was willingly subjecting myself to that . This whole situation was overwhelming . " No . I 'm scared for you . I know it 's hard to raise a baby . But I 'm gonna help you as much as I possibly can . Because I love you , and I know I 'll love your baby . " He told me with a smile . " I know you are . But you 're Athena Mortem . You 're awesome as hell and I know you can handle anything that gets thrown your way . " |
Janis said " I 've never been so thoroughly fucked and filled . When can we do it again ? " Mona asked if she was spending the night . " I can stay all week if you want me to . " They looked at me and as soon as I nodded yes they hugged me and squealed like little girls . " Now are we going to stay up here or the glass patio ? " Mona and Janis looked at each other and the next thing I knew they were leading me down stairs to the patio bed . The rain was coming down in buckets and there was lightning all around . We went to sleep under a wonderful light show . Lightning flashes and thunder woke me several times during the night as both ladies snuggled closer for comfort . I looked at the nude bodies curled against me as lightning lit the room and marveled at the amount of pretty , warm flesh was pressed against me . I even took the opportunity to roll a couple of nipples in my fingers as they slept and listen to soft moans as they squirmed against me in their sleep . I woke as the rainy sky started to get lighter . I woke Mona and asked if we needed to do a Check of the stock and buildings . She thought that was a good idea . As I tried to slip away from Janis she opened her eyes and asked what was up . " We 're going to do a morning round . You can go back to sleep . " " Can I come with you ? " " You can if you want . We 're going to drive over to the other property also . " She got out of bed and after we all made a trip to the bathroom headed outside in the drizzle . " You two have it great out here away from everyone . I could live as a nudist I if had a place like this . " After we checked these buildings we were headed to the truck when Janis asked the question I had asked , " No clothes ? " We just laughed and went to the truck . Mona drove and Janis sat in my lap . When we got to the gates Janis was hesitant at first but when we got to the other place she hopped out and opened it by herself . When she got back in she was beaming . " Damn running around naked sends a thrill thru me . " She wiggled her butt in my lap and I could feel her wet lips on my shaft as she held me tight . We cleaned a couple of the stalls and put out some feed as we moved thru the buildings . When we got to the last one , the breeding barn Janis saw the bales and blanket I had set up and smiled at Mona . " Did you ? " " Do I need to show you how ? " She gave a happy yell and ran over to the bales . She bent over resting her breasts on the bales with her feet spread . She reached behind her and spread her thighs . Now it was her turn . " Do I have to beg ? Get over here . " As I stepped behind her Mona got something out of a cabinet and sat it in front of Janis . It was a large jar of Vaseline . " Oh god that feels bigger going in this way . I have been butt fucked before but not with anything that huge . But if he fucks my pussy real good this time I 'll sure try it . " Mona handed me the jar as I started slowly stroking Janis ' hot hole . It was already wet and slick with her juices from her anticipation . As I took some of the lube and rubbed her little winking ass hole Mona got up on the bales on her back and slid down until Janis ' face was in her pussy . I pushed lube into Janis ' ass then probed it with a finger . She was moaning in Mona 's pussy as I stroked her pussy and ass at the same time . I put a second finger in her ass and she pushed back against my strokes to both her holes . Mona was holding her head to her pussy as I drove in the third finger . " YES , YES . I 'm ready to get my ass fucked . Fill me with cock and cum in my ass . " Mona pushed her back to eating her pussy as I pulled my dick out and applied lube to it . I wanted to be careful so this little piece of ass would come back for more . I put the tip to her sphincter and slowly pushed all 9 ½ " into her ass . She let out on long ' OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH ' until my balls hit her slit . I waited a minute to let her ass get used to the large intruder before I assaulted it with long hard strokes . She was grunting as each stoke bottomed against her ass . This was driving Mona wild because as I was doing it Janis nibbled on her clit . I reached under Janis , pinching and rolling her clit between my fingers as I fucked her ass . I wasn 't going to be able to hold off much longer so when her ass clenched my shaft and her back arched , I flooded her colon with sticky ropes of cum as her pussy juices flowed onto my hand . I looked up and Mona had her eyes closed obviously having her orgasm as she rubbed Janis ' face to her pussy . Janis ' legs gave out so I put my other arm under her and pulled her back to my chest . Mona opened her eyes and saw what was happening and slid closer to me on the bales . " Lay her on me and let me hold her . " She spread her legs as I moved forward with Janis . I laid her on Mona 's chest with my dick still in her ass . It was still semi hard so I started fucking her some more . Baby , don 't waste it , she 's out of it . Put it in mine instead . " She hugged Janis as I pulled out with an audible pop . I put the tip to Mona 's ass and pushed it in . she hissed , " YYYEESSSS " until it was all the way inside her . I had just shot a load in Janis but Mona 's recently deflowered ass was still so tight it pulled cum from my body and soon I was emptying my balls in her as well . " That 's it baby shoot your hot cum in my ass . " I was weak in the knees as I pulled my dick from Mona 's ass . I leaned back against the bales until I felt Janis stir . She stood up rubbing her but then looked at me . " My ass is still tingling . That is the best fucking it 's ever had . When can we do that again ? " " I think we 'll have to work on it . While you were still out , Mona got hers fucked also . Right now I need to rest a minute . " Mona got up and they sat me on the end of the bales and pushed me to my back . " You just lay there and rest . We 'll take care of the rest . " Mona knelt between my legs and took my ball sack in one hand . " I think these little jewels need some loving attention . " She kissed each testicle before putting them in her mouth and massaging them with her tongue . Janis was licking my flaccid cock clean and as much as I wanted it I didn 't think she would be able to revive it . I was pleasantly surprised when with Mona sucking on my balls and Janis sucking on the head of my soft dick it started to rise to the occasion . Soon Janis was bobbing her head on as much as she could get in , with the head hitting the entrance to her throat . When she gagged once and came up for air I said , " As good as this feels , if you give me an hour or so to rest I will be much better for all of us . " Janis looked at Mona with her mouth full of my meaty balls then said " OK , but you have to let me sit on it all the way back and promise to let us take care of you after lunch . " When I agreed Mona kissed each of my testicles again and stood up as Janis gave the head of my dick a sloppy wet kiss . They helped me up off the bales and we walked back thru the barns to the truck with their arms and mine around each other . When we got to the truck , Mona was driving and I got in the passenger seat . Janis stood next to me stroking my shaft before she got in . I thought she was going to straddle it and keep playing with it but she aimed it at her ass and sat down taking it all in . " MMMMM , I 'm ready . Let 's go . " I closed the door and she squirmed on my dick until we got to the gate . Mona started to get out but Janis said she would take care of it . She Rose up pulling me out of her ass and jumped out to open the gate . When we were thru she got back in and once again sat with my cock in her ass . " Let 's go home and take every bump you can . She leaned back against me and we were off . I had my arms around her holding her 34DD 's and playing with her nipples . There weren 't that many bumps but a couple of them brought load moans from Janis . We got back to the main gate about 9am . Janis got off and hopped out again to open the gate but when she got back in she knelt on the floor in front of me and held the head of my shaft in her mouth until Mona parked the truck . We were inside when I said unless one of them had a better plan we should just go back to bed . They made the decision unanimous but we went to the master bedroom so we could close the drapes , turn off the lights and pretend it was dark out . We climbed into her large oversized bed in the dark and when I was on my back they snuggled up to me but backwards . They both had their heads on my thighs and a hand on my dick . After they each kissed the tip they said ' Sleep tight sweetie , ' I was having one hell of an erotic wet dream when I eyes popped open to see Mona sucking my dick and swallowing my cum . Janis said , " She just couldn 't wait for you to wake up . She has been sucking and stroking for the last 15 minutes . The next load is all mine , she promised . " They both looked up at me with a wicked grin . What have I gotten into ? I looked over at the clock . It was after three . " Ladies if we 're going to keep this up we need to eat some food . " The ladies wanted to go out for dinner but I reminded them we couldn 't go together . Janis said she needed to go home for a little bit anyway so she would ' Run into us ' about seven at a Mexican place Mona wanted to go to . We lay in bed a little while longer and I asked Janis what she was going to do Friday when her husband came home . " What I always do . Wear tight , skimpy , clothes and try to get him to notice me . He only does it when he wants to show me off to his friends and business contacts . I usually end up feeling like a piece of meat . It 's been over a month since we had sex and that took less time than you spent putting that gorgeous cock in my ass . If I could support myself I 'd leave but even with a business degree no one around her will hire me because of him . " I told her I didn 't mean to upset her and maybe things would work out . I walked her out to her car and helped her back into her clothes . She hugged me tight and said she 'd see us tonight then had a second thought . She lifted her dress and slid her bikini panties off and handed them to me . " I won 't be wearing these anymore so you can have them as a souvenir of today and I hope there are a lot more . " I watched her drive away and went back inside . Mona was still on the bed so I lay down and pulled her to me . " Let 's go . Beside we need to wash the smell of sex off . " We ran the Jacuzzi tub full of water as hot as we could stand and slipped in with her leaning back and her head on my shoulder . With the bubbles flowing around us we dozed until the water got cold then got out looking like a pair of prunes . I got dressed in the bedroom and she disappeared into the walk - in closet . She came out in a tight pair of low cut jeans and a tight tank top that gave just a hint of the low cut bra underneath . She had on heels that made her 2 " taller than me but put her deep cleavage closer to my lips . " Damn you look good in clothes . Don 't get me wrong your delicious nude but any man with a beating heart would be proud to have you on their arm . It 's sure different than when you picked me up . " " I haven 't had a reason to dress up in a long time . The few times I went to town it was easier to just throw on some baggy clothes and go . As long as you 're here I 'll make sure to dress to impress you but no one else . " I drove to dinner and she told me just before we got there that she wore the jeans so we couldn 't fool around until we got home . No teasing at dinner . Janis showed up a few minutes after we got there looking excited . " After I got home John called me and said I needed to pick him up at the airport tomorrow at 10am and he had a surprise for me . I don 't think it would be a good idea for me to go to your house . Can I get a rain check , please ? " Mona said , " You know where the gate key is . You 'll always be welcome . " We ate dinner together and walked her to her car . She hugged us and promised to call when she found out what the surprise was . When we got in the truck she said , are you ready to go home and finish what we started in the barn ? " " That 's ok I 'll take her part to . " I didn 't need any more encouragement . I drove home as fast as I could get away with . We went to the glass room and she turned on all the lights making it like daylight . I want to watch your face while I take care of you . She removed my shirt and pants and when I reached for her clothes she told me to just lay back and enjoy . She turned on some low music and did a sensual strip tease for me then she stood rubbing her breasts and nipples before she moved one hand down to caress her mound . By the time she went to her knees between my legs , I had another steel hard shaft . She locked her eyes on mine , not looking away as she cupped my testicles in one hand and started kissing all around them . She had her other hand very slowly and firmly stroking the length of my shaft . When she finished with my ball sack , she stuck out her tongue and drew it up the underside of my shaft , stopping to tease the sensitive triangle under the head . She licked the rest of the shaft like it was a long sweet treat , still not breaking contact . She was still massaging my testicles with one hand as she tilted my cock towards her and put the tip between her lips . She was swabbing it with her tongue and trying to put the tip of it in my piss hole . I was trying to move my hips to push it further between her lips when she backed her head away . " No , no , no , you 're just supposed to lay there and enjoy this one , baby . " With my butt back on the bed she slipped her lips over the head , sucking it like a straw as she continued the slow , almost torturous , stroking of my shaft . I wanted so much to put my hand over hers and speed her up but even more I didn 't want to jeopardize what I knew was coming . I wanted my dick in her throat being milked by those talented muscles . She started taking more and more into her mouth until I could feel the opening of her throat sucking at the head of my shaft . She didn 't try to go farther she would just hold her head down on each stroke and kiss me with her throat muscles . She rose up long enough to say , " Just let me know when so I can swallow . " She went back to taking just enough of my cock to tease me at her throat . After just a few more I yelled . " Now , I 'm cumming now . " Before my first blast got to the end of my shaft she pushed down and swallowed my entire 9 ½ " down her throat . The first blast and all the rest went straight to her stomach . As soon as my dick stopped pumping cum down her throat she pulled it out and moved up next to me . " Better be careful what you promise . I might take you up on it . " After we stopped laughing she got up to turn out the lights then we moved up to the middle of the bed and this time I laid her on her back and lay across her with my head on one arm , a leg across hers and a nipple in my mouth . " If you 're going to sleep like this at night don 't wake me up early . " I woke up to Mona shaking me softly . When I got my eyes open she was sitting up in the bed next to me holding a plate of biscuits and sausage gravy . " Time to get up , sleepy head . Your breakfast is ready . I don 't want you complaining about not getting to eat food . " She gave me a big smile and as soon as I sat up and took the plate , a big kiss to go with it . " Long enough to check these buildings , watch you sleep for a couple of hours and fix breakfast . Everything is done for today and it 's almost noon . The rain looks like it 's clearing out and unless you have other plans we could go pack your things and start moving them out here . We can use one of the enclosed horse trailers so nothing gets wet . " " You are so amazing . You look like a million bucks , you treat sex like a teenager , and you 're smart . How is it no man has corralled you before ? " " It 's the smart part . Most men want some dumb blonde with big tits they can show off and then cheat on . I want a man willing to work hard and be an equal partner with me . Unless I 've lost my good judge of character I think I finally found one . " When I asked who that was she jabbed me in the ribs so hard I almost choked on my breakfast . " Don 't be an ass while you 're eating . It can be hazardous to your health . " When I finished eating we went upstairs to get dressed . I just grabbed a pair of shorts and a baggy shirt . She came out in a short pleated skirt and an oversized mans snap down shirt . " I thought you might like this for moving . " She grabbed the collars and pulled them apart unsnapping the front of the shirt and exposing her braless breasts . She raised the hem of the shirt to show me her panty less mound . " Just in case we need a quickie before we get back . " " Keep that up and we 'll need one before we go . " She snapped up her shirt and we went out to the building , got the truck and trailer and headed to Austin . I was driving and before I knew it she had leaned back against her door , opened her shirt and pulled up her skirt . She had her left foot against my seat back and was rubbing her mound . " Think you 'll need that quickie when we get there ? " It was all I could do to pay attention to my driving as she pushed two fingers into her pussy and sat there moaning . By the time we got to my apartment building and found a place to park , the truck smelled like raw sex and her fingers and pussy were soaking wet . I don 't know how many times she had got herself off but when I opened her door she still had a glazed look in her eyes . I pulled her skirt down but she insisted that she didn 't need the shirt buttoned . She clung to my arm as we walked to my 2nd floor apartment with her shirt open but not quite exposing her nipples . When we got inside my place , she suddenly looked much better and gave me a big hug . " Well did I do good ? Your neighbors probably think you got lucky and are coming home for more . We can have noisy sex . Then they 'll know for sure . " Before I could respond she pulled of her shirt , got on her knees on the couch , leaning on the back and pulled her little skirt over her waist . " Come on baby fuck me hard and let me tell the neighbors how good you are . " I dropped my shorts and standing behind her I put my dick at her pussy entrance and drove it in . " OH GOD BABY YOUR BIG SHAFT FEELS SO GOOD . DO ME SOME MORE . " She looked around at me and in a much lower voice said , " It was good but do you think they can hear me ? " " They probably heard you across town . " That 's the way it went for the next 10 minutes , really good sex , with her giving commentary at the top of her voice . When I pulled out and lined it up with her tight anus she yelled . " OH GOD NO . YOU ' RE NOT GOING TO PUT IT THERE ARE YOU ? " I pushed all the way in one stroke . She was groaning softly as I just held it deep . She turned and gave me a wicked grin . " OH BABY STOP , PLEASE STOP , IT ' S NOT GOING TO FIT . NO MORE , PLEASE NO MORE , YOU ' LL SPLIT ME IN HALF . " She started moving back and forth on my shaft as she continued . " DAMN , LET ME REST A MINUTE . " I had a hold of her hips ramming her ass and she was pushing back to meet me . " OH BABY , OH BABY , OH BABY . " Now she was really enjoying it and letting the neighbors know it . " OH FUCK , HARDER . " My groin was getting tight as she continued yelling . " BABY I ' M CUMMING . " She threw her head back and continued . ' OH GOD , OH GOD , OH GOD . " I shot my seed into her ass and held her to me as I did . She put her head on the back of the couch as she took deep breaths trying to calm down after her orgasm . When I pulled out she lay down on the couch and pulled me down with her . " I don 't think we 're going to make it back tonight . " She reached up and pulled the blanket on the back up the couch over us . " I think we need a little rest . " We had just dozed off when Mona 's phone rang . The id said it was Janis . Mona talked to her for a while and when she hung up told me Janis was on cloud nine . John came home and told her he had a business deal to take care of in Las Vegas and she was going with him . They were leaving tomorrow morning and would be back Monday . I told Mona , " Maybe she 's going to get some of the attention she 's been wanting from him . " " You mean like the attention I 've been giving you ? If he gives her half as much we probably won 't see her again . " She giggled a little . " No as small as she says he is , she 'll probably still be visiting a lot . " The sun was still up so we got dressed started moving stuff down to the trailer . Some of the neighbors gave me dirty looks , but what the hell , I was moving out so who cared . I didn 't have much and it was loaded a lot faster than we expected . " Hey if this is everything why don 't we just head back and stop somewhere along the way and eat ? " " Ok sweetie , but I don 't want you bellyaching about not getting food . " I took Mona to her truck then went around back to get mine . She pulled away as I pulled on the street and I followed her towards home . We stopped and ate at a little hole in the wall Mexican place and got back about 9pm . We put the trucks inside the building and went in the house . We decided to call it a night so we could get up early and do the chores before it started getting hot . We got up before sunrise and could see stars instead of rain clouds . We got everything done and were back in the house by 10 . We decided to have a quiet day inside . She took me to what they called the entertainment room and when she turned on the TV almost a whole wall lit up . It was a projector in the ceiling and it was like being in a theater except it had double recliners for us to sit back in . We spent the next 5 or 6 hours watching pay per view and snuggling . About 6pm when it had cooled down a bit she offered to take me on a tour of the rest of the property . She grabbed a couple of towels and blankets and we went down to my truck . With her giving directions we soon ended at a small lake , or gigantic pond , take your pick . There were several large oaks together on one side with a gazebo under them . We threw our towels and blankets on the chairs in it and she walked me down to the water . " This is why the house doesn 't have a pool . I like to come out here to go swimming then lay in the sun listening to the quiet or come out here at night and just watch the stars . Now I have someone share it with . " We got in the water and splashed around for a bit until she wrapped her arms around me and said , " Pinch me . This just seems like such a dream . Every time I wake up I expect to find that none of this was real . " We went back to the gazebo and dried off . The ground was still wet so I dragged the chairs out where we could see stars . I should have only moved one because as soon as I sat down she sat in my lap and put her arms around my neck . " If I 'm being to … . . clingy or …… . . possessive you 'll tell me won 't you . I don 't want to push you away . I just want to feel you close to me and show my affection . " " Sure , if you 're ready lets go . " I put the chairs back while she put the other stuff in the truck . I drove back with her sitting as close to me as she could get . We turned lights off as we went thru the house and got in to bed by moonlight . She got in her favorite position with one leg and arm across me and her head on my shoulder . She was hugging me tight still as her breathing slowed , she fell asleep and snored briefly . We were woken up by her phone again . This time when she hung up she looked worried . " That was Janis . She was crying and she gave me a flight number saying we had to pick her up at 11am . When I asked what was wrong she said she 'd tell us when she got here . " We rushed thru chores so we could get dressed and be at the Austin airport when she landed . When she got off the plane and saw us she started crying . She had a little carry on and when I said I 'd get her suitcase she said she left it in Vegas . She just wanted us to take her to her house . On the way there between sobs she told us what happened . " It turns out he wasn 't closing a business deal , I was . A couple of hours after we landed he told me to dress sexy we were going to a party . I put on a hot little dress and heels and made sure my makeup was perfect so I would look good for him . We got in the elevator and it started up . When I looked at him he smiled and said it was in a suite in the hotel . We went to one of the room doors and when he knocked a guy in a hotel robe opened it . John walked me inside and there was only one other guy there . I asked john where the party was and he said I was the party . They were buying one of his thoroughbreds but wanted an evening with me to seal the deal . When I said no John slapped me and told me he didn 't buy me clothes and tits for nothing , now it was time for pay back . He tried to grab me but I kicked him in the balls and ran out of the room . I grabbed my small travel bag from our room and ran . I found a place to stay until my flight this morning and here I am . I just want to go pack some clothes in my car and stay somewhere until I can get a divorce . " Mona said she could stay at our house if she wanted . We got to her house and offered to stay but she said she would be alright . She was just going to grab a few days ' clothes and would buy anything else she needed . Before we left I made sure to tell her call us as soon as she left for our place . We would be waiting . Mona and I headed home to wait for her . Just before we got there the phone started ringing . Mona answered and got a horrified look on her face . " Turn around we have to go back as fast as we can . John was home when she walked in and she ended up killing him . " I broke too many laws to count getting back there . Police cars with flashing lights were everywhere . When we walked up to the yellow tape an officer asked who we were . When we identified ourselves he took us to a detective . The first thing he asked is what we knew . We told him about this morning 's call and bringing her home about 30 minutes ago . We told him the story she told us and the phone call we had just received . He asked how we knew her and Mona said she had known her for several years because John was a customer of her horse farm . I told him I had just met her at dinner with Mona a few nights ago . The detective said apparently John had flown in last night and had been waiting for her . Surveillance tapes from inside the house showed him hitting her several times and knocking her down a short set of stairs before she ran to a table in the hall and got a gun , shooting him once in the chest , killing him instantly . He said she should go get checked out at the hospital but wouldn 't ' let them take her until we got here . He took us over to where she was sitting on the back of an ambulance . She hugged Mona and just glanced my way . Mona said she would ride with her to get checked out and I could meet them there . I asked the detective if there was anything else . He said they would need to talk with her Monday but if the hospital released her , she could go but would need a place to stay for a few days . I gave him our information and told him I was sure Mona would have her stay at her home as long as necessary . When I got to the hospital I had to stay in the waiting area because I wasn 't family . I went to the little coffee bar in the cafeteria and got a big cup of strong coffee then went back to wait . Mona came out a short while later and said the police were taking pictures of Janis 's injuries and when they were done the hospital said she could go home . She said all considered Janis was in pretty good shape . She had a black eye , bruises all over from being knocked down the stairs . The shoulder she landed on was sore and she had a slight concussion . All this was capped off by a swollen split lip that gave her a lisp . Mona went back in to wait with her . They came out an hour later with Janis , in the mandatory wheel chair , avoiding looking at me . The nurse and Mona helped her into the back seat and we headed home . Mona told her the police said it might be 3 days to a week before she could get back in the house . " I don 't care if I never go back in . I 'll find somewhere else to live and sell it . " Mona told her she was welcome to stay with us as long as she wanted . When we got home and went inside Janis said she wanted to take a long hot soak in the Jacuzzi tub . I filled it with very warm water and turned around to help her in the tub . It was the first time I had seen all the bruises on her . She saw the look on my face . " Not so pretty now , am I ? " " Nothing that a few hot soaks and a lot of rest won 't take care of . " Mona said she was going down and fix something to eat . It had been a while since our quick toast and coffee this morning . Janis asked if I would stay with her . She just didn 't want to be left alone . I got in the tub with her and gently washed and rubbed her back and neck . It seemed to be the only place she didn 't hurt . Eventually she leaned back against me and pulled my arms around her . " I was going to ask you if I could live here with you and Bill . I 'll help anyway I can and when I get the estate settled I can help with finances . " Mona stood there thinking and looking at me for a minute before speaking . " Well you already have an open invitation and now we don 't have to worry about public opinion . We just have to make sure you have your own room in case someone comes snooping . " That made Janis feel a lot better . We got out of the tub and I toweled her dry carefully . Some of those bruises looked nasty . Janis wasn 't very hungry so as Mona and I ate she told us what happened . When she had gone inside he met her at the top of the stairs and grabbed her . When she tried to pull free he had hit her twice blacking her eye and cutting her lip . His grip slipped and she started running down the stairs and he caught up and pushed her when she was 4 or 5 steps from the bottom . When she fell , he had kicked her twice in the ribs , then turned away saying he was going to fix her sorry ass for good . She got to the hall table and got the gun to scare him with but he came back with a bat and told her she didn 't have the guts to do anything . His mistake , when he raised the bat she pulled the trigger and hit him in the chest . She said it was a miracle she hit him because she closed her eyes . By the time we finished it was after midnight . We had spent a lot of time just waiting at the hospital . We decided use the upstairs bedroom so we could sleep late . When we got upstairs Janis asked if she could sleep with us . Mona said she had not thought otherwise . Janis lay on one side where she was comfortable and I spooned to her back with her head on one arm while the other one held her breast . Mona was spooned to her front with Janis 's arm around her . We were asleep pretty quick but Janis woke me several times during the night , jerking and crying . At one point she had turned to face me and woke me with her hand on my shaft . " Am I a bad person ? Was this my fault ? " ' Because I 've been laying her thinking about you and I want you . I just want to feel you in me tonight . " She stroked my semi hard shaft rigid then moved on top of me . She guided my dick to the entrance to her pussy then pushed it all the way in with a deep groan . " That felt so good now I want to lay here and enjoy this feeling . " She lay down on my chest and was still except for occasionally rocking her hips to move me inside her . She moaned several times then went back to sleep and didn 't move until morning . Mona woke me about 6am to tell me she was going to check the barns and animals and would be back as soon as she could and for me to stay with Janis until she woke . When she did wake she stayed lying on my chest and rocked her hips on my soft shaft instantly bringing it to life . " I can feel it growing inside me . I 've never felt that before . " She started rocking and riding my shaft but as she went faster she yelped and stopped . " Oh damn that made my ribs hurt . " I held her to me and scooted us to the edge of the bed . She grimaced as I held her , stood up and turned around to lay her on the bed . She relaxed when she was resting on the bed and I pulled my arms from around her . I raised her legs and placed her ankles on my shoulder and started stroking my shaft gently in her hole . " Is this better ? Tell me if I hurt you . " " Well , I see you started without me . May I join in or is this a private party . " She had already kicked off her Levis and was removing her top as she moved to the bed . She moved next to Janis , taking a long look at the damage to her body then bent down and kissed her breast . " Wow , you have bruises almost everywhere . Let me kiss them and make it better . " She began putting very soft kisses on her bruised skin , starting with her black eye , working across her swollen lips , past her shoulders to her hips . Janis was moaning from the constant stimulation and when I spread her legs so Mona could reach her clit she groaned and tried to raise her hips to meet her . Mona did not straddle Janis because she knew how tender her face and lips were but Janis reached between Mona 's legs and was pumping two fingers into her pussy . As Mona sucked on her clit Janis moaned " Faster , fuck me faster . " I sped up and using her thighs for leverage pushed harder . Janis was fingering Mona 's pussy and rubbing her own breast with the other hand when she arched her back and her body shook . " Oh god I need this so badly . Fuck me , suck my clit . Please help me cum . " Mona was having her own small orgasm causing her to suck harder on Janis clit as I drove my dick into her pussy as hard as I could . When her hot pussy muscles clamped down on my shaft I sprayed her pussy with a large load of my seed built up from two days without sex . When I had spent my last I started to pull out and Mona put her hand around my shaft . Lying with her cheek on Janis 's mound she pulled my dick , coated with Janis and my cum , to her mouth . She licked all of our fluids from it then pulled it out but kept it in her hand . Still holding me she slipped off the bed and stroked me keeping me hard . She stood between Mona 's legs and turned her back to me as she bent at the waist . " My turn , fuck me like you just did Janis . She put her hands on Janis ' thighs , holding her legs up , as she put her tongue in her slit and started licking up her juices . I put my fingers in Mona 's slit and pulled them back coated with her juices . I did this several times wiping them on my dick and coating it with her slickness . I put the head of my dick to her tunnel and pushed it in . She was so wet and warm it felt like a steaming towel was being wrapped around my shaft . When my balls hit her mound as I bottomed in her pussy she moaned into Janis 's slit then raised her head . " Mmmmm , two days is too long . Let 's not wait that long again . " " If I say something stupid like that again your have my permission to stuff my mouth full of your cock until I change my mind . " She went back to sucking on Janis 's pussy as I drove into her harder . Just as I reached under her and grabbed her breasts like handles , she tensed up and her body shuddered . I wasn 't quite there yet so I kept fucking her harder and prolonging her orgasm until I sprayed her pussy with almost as much cum as I had Janis . When I was done I laid her on her stomach next to Janis and told then I was going to soak in the tub and rest . The tub was almost half full as I climbed in and looked up to see both of them getting in with me . Mona said , " I guess it 's a good thing this was built for four . " They managed to lay on each side of me so we just relaxed in the Jacuzzi bubbles until the water got cold . When we got out , we toweled each other dry being careful of Janis 's bruises and went down to find something for lunch . While we were eating the detectives called and said that they were through with the house and Janis could get back in tomorrow . They said they were still waiting for the DA to release the personal effects john had on him . She thanked them and hung up . " They say I can have the house back tomorrow . Will you guys go with me ? I just want some of my clothes and personal stuff for now . I want to get some things from the office so I can notify clients they will need to find somewhere for their stock . " I asked why not keep the clients and move them here , and then you 'll still have the income . You can work out of Mona 's office it looks like there 's plenty of room . " Mona agreed so we decided to go over first thing in the morning after chores and see what she needed to retrieve . When we got to her house Janis was a little nervous about going in . Once we got inside and saw where they had cut out the carpet where the bloodstain would have been she just stood there frozen in place . I put my arm around her and led her past it to the stairs . I held her until we were up the stairs and in her room . Janis got her started packing and she seemed ok . I went back downstairs and found the office . I turned on John 's computer and of course it needed a password . I looked for paperwork but all of the drawers were locked . I went back up to help carry Janis 's stuff and told her what I found . When we had everything she wanted loaded we went back to the office . " One thing about him thinking about me as a dumb blonde , he never tried very hard to hide anything . He used bigstud for his password . " She walked over to a bookcase picked out one of the books and opened it . It was hollow and had the keys to all the file drawers and one larger key . She walked over to a picture on the wall and pulled it out revealing a safe about 2 ' square . She put the key in and opened it . We were stunned by the stack of money inside . There were a number of folders in there also and when Janis started thru them she told us they looked like another set of financials . Not only was john a full fledged dirt bag he was skimming money from his own company . As she continued looking thru the folders she found the wills they had done shortly after they married . Both left everything to the other spouse . He hadn 't even thought to change his . She also found a passbook , with a very large balance , for an account in Anguilla , where ever that was . We loaded the computer and a few files in the truck and I promised to come back and get the rest . We got Janis set up in Mona 's office and while she and Mona started calling clients I went back to get the rest of the things she wanted . As I was leaving to return home Janis called and said the detective 's contacted her about picking up Johns personal items . She asked if I could pick them up since I was in town and they said yes . When I got home I found the ladies just finishing up for the day in the office . " Your back , we need a break . Let 's pack some food and have a picnic at the pond . " As soon as we unloaded the files for Janis they made up sandwiches and chips as I loaded beer and wine in a cooler . As soon as we had everything ready we piled in my truck and headed to our pond . As soon as we put stuff in the gazebo we stripped and headed for the water . It When we were full , and slightly tipsy , I rolled over on my knees , pushed Mona 's legs apart and went right to her clit with my lips . " Oh shit , baby I wasn 't expecting that but don 't stop . " As I sucked on her little man I put two fingers in her pussy and fingered her fast . " Mmmmm , this is just the break I was looking for . " I felt Janis slip under me between my legs and guide my dick to her lips . I was worried about her injured lip until I felt her slip her mouth over the head and moan around it . She moaned until she had it all in , then pulled it out . " I love the feel of your cock . It 's so hard and smooth and it slips down just like it was made just for me . Then she took me back in her mouth . She had her hands on my hips and held me deep in her throat until she had to come up for air . After a deep breath she started all over . Her throat was massaging me as she tried swallowing around my shaft and I was sucking on Mona 's clit with the same rhythm . Mona was bucking her hips to me as I finally succumbed to Janis 's throat massage and shot gobs of my cum into her stomach . I bit on Mona 's clit as I did and she jammed her slit against my face flooding me with her cum . I tried to roll away when I finished but Janis rolled with me without taking my dick from her mouth . She got to her knees between my legs and sucked me hard again . " You 're not done yet . We have some catching up to do . " She held my shaft as Mona straddled me and lowered herself down , taking my dick completely in her silky wet tunnel . As Mona rode up and down my shaft Janis straddled my chest to hug Mona . As she bent down to kiss her breast she slid her pussy to my lips . I took in her musky aroma as I put the tip of my tongue to her clit . She jerked when I first rolled it with my tongue I sucked it between my lips and probed it with the tip of my tongue as I felt her hand rubbing Mona 's clit while she sat on my dick . As she sat impaled on my shaft she was flexing her muscles and I could feel the muscles clenching different places on my 9 ½ " . She would tense one set of muscles for a few strokes then shift muscles for more strokes . The sensations on my dick were fabulous and constantly changing . I was close to cumming when she started riding me harder and faster . I moved my head and drove my tongue as deep as I could into Janis 's pussy just as she started cumming . As I tasted her nectar on my tongue I fired my seed into Mona . She drove down on me and sat shaking as she was overcome by her own orgasm . When we were all relaxed , Mona and Janis lay down , snuggled close to me . Janis raised her head and looked at Mona and me . " I know you and Bill have a thing going on and I would never do anything to come between you but I wish you would consider letting me be a part of your family . You don 't have to say anything now , just think about it , please . " I pulled her close with one arm as Mona leaned across me to kiss her and me . " I was going to ask Bill about that very thing tomorrow but since you brought it up now is as good a time as any to talk about it . I 'm all for it . I think it will take both of us to keep him satisfied so he won 't stray . " They both thought that was hilarious . When they stopped laughing I reminded them I was right here in the middle . " Well we think it 's a good idea . Are you saying you don 't want two hot , usually horney , women at your beck and call 24 / 7 ? " " Then you agree and want two hot , usually horney , women at your beck and call 24 / 7 ? " I could see I was going to lose this discussion . Even though I agreed , I didn 't want to give in that easy . " I thought we just did ? And you wanted us 24 / 7 . " Yep I lost , even though I really won . Looks like I was out numbered from now on but what a way to lose . We picked up everything and drove back to the house . We went to bed and were out in minutes . Two weeks later a grand jury No Billed Janis and she started putting it behind her . She and Mona had contacted all of John 's clients and more than half were moving to Mona 's facility . We were working 18 hours a day with hardly enough time for sleep . At breakfast one morning Mona and Janis said they loved me dearly but it was time to hire a real foreman and some hands to help . They were tired of being too tired for good sex . When I said I agreed Mona said , " Good , the new foreman will be here this morning so make sure you 're dressed . " In the middle of breakfast the front door bell rang . When I opened it I was looking at a Native American woman in a work shirt , Levis and cowboy boots . She was about 30 years old and 5 ' 9 " with her hair in a braid down to her waist . " I 'm looking for Mona ? " " You made it . " Mona walked up to the lady and gave her a hug . " Bill this is Naomi Little Feather . She was my best friend in high school . " She saw the puzzled look on my face . " My father was in the air force stationed at an air base in Enid , Oklahoma . Naomi and I were , oh , kind of social outcasts . She was an Indian and I was her best friend . Back then if you weren 't white , you got a lot of shit and if you stood up for someone that was catching the shit , you got twice as much . So Naomi where 's your partner ? " " Well , go get her . We just sat down for breakfast . Join us then we 'll get you settled in . " Naomi went back outside and when she came back in to the breakfast table she had a slender brunette with her . She was about the same age as her and the tank top she was wearing displayed muscular arms and a pair of 32C breasts . They sat down across from Mona and me , and gave Mona an update on the last few years as we ate . The brunettes name was Rebecca but she preferred Becka . They had been living together for three years . They said getting a job in Oklahoma like Mona offered was still difficult for a woman . They were ready for a new start . Mona asked if they had thought about a place to live and when they said they had planned on staying in the bunkroom in their trailer until they found something , Mona said that wouldn 't do . " You two can stay here in the house . There are plenty of empty bedrooms and at least two have private baths . It 's the least we can do after you dropped everything to move down here . " They tried to protest but Mona wasn 't having any of it . " When are the rest of your hands arriving ? " After we finished breakfast we helped them move their things upstairs from the trailer then put their horses and equipment in one of the barns . We took them on a tour of the properties and filled them in on all the horses and their owners . It was late afternoon when we got back to the house . Naomi and Becka went upstairs to clean up after their all night drive while we fixed dinner , or rather Mona and Janis did they politely asked me to sit somewhere and stay out of the way . So I took the opportunity to go take a hot shower . It wasn 't long before Mona joined me . " Janis is watching the pot . When we 're done we will finish dinner while she showers . " I wanted to play but she said there would be enough time later . We got dressed and went to the kitchen so Janis could get ready . As we were putting dinner on the table Janis , Naomi and Becka walked in . Janis had on shorts and a tank top that showed off her bra - less 34DD 's perfectly . Naomi and Becka were wearing oversized men 's shirts . I couldn 't tell if they had anything under them , but they both had beautiful , athletic legs . It was a shame I wouldn 't get to sample them . As we ate I couldn 't help but glance at Naomi and Becka . I hadn 't noticed until they sat down that the buttons on the top half of their shirts were undone . As they moved and reached for different items I got tantalizing glimpses of their breasts . Suddenly Naomi looked at me and said , " Mona does your Mr . Bill always try to look at women 's breasts during meals ? " Naomi stood up , unbuttoned the rest of her shirt and let it slowly fall to the floor . " You mean this is what he looked at all the time . " Without the shirt she was totally naked . She was a vision standing there with her hair loose and hanging down her back . Her breasts were firm with no sag and definitely at least a 34C . She had smooth flawless skin and the only part of her that wasn 't tanned were the pink lips peeking out of her slit , in her bald pubic mound . Becka stood next to her and dropped her shirt . Her pert 32C ' spointed straight out like bullets and she had bar piercings in each nipple . She was tanned but not as dark as Naomi and shaved just as smooth . I was sitting there with my mouth open . I couldn 't believe that two women I had only just met , and were lovers at that , had just gotten nude in front of me and then my two had done the same thing . I must have been in shock because it took a moment for me to realize they were laughing , at me . Then I heard Mona . She was looking at Naomi . " See I told you . He loves seeing naked women just like all the rest . Now you can wear as much or as little as you want . Speaking for us less is more . You get to tease and we get the benefits . " I was just sitting there taking this all in and thinking about having four lovely ladies running around in various states of undress when Becka spoke . " Come on sweetie you 've never been shy before . " They pulled my shirt off over my head then unfastened my shorts and dropped them to the floor . My dick was already hard and sticking out proudly at its full 9 ½ " but Mona and Janis had to give it a few strokes each . Naomi and Becka both sucked in a deep breath but Naomi spoke first . I finally spoke up . " First , ladies , I 'm a two woman man . So if you ever think you want a closer look you better clear it with them fist . Second I do appreciate beautiful women and I promise not to stare , much . Third , can we finish dinner , I think I have two women that want to be ravished and I 'd be willing to bet that from the looks you 're getting you have one of your own . " Dinner finished quickly and we headed to our rooms . Mona said she had set it all up . " Naomi and Becka , besides being damned good hands and lovers , are dedicated nudists . That 's one reason they came to work here . I told them they would be able to ride , swim or do anything else they wanted in the nude as long as there weren 't any clients around . When they asked about you I told them you were only interested in Janis and me but asked her to help me surprise you . Oh buy the way if you liked this surprise just wait until you see what I have planned next weekend . " " Hey , that works . " They knelt down in front of me facing each other and pressed their lips together around my shaft . They each put a hand on my hips and pulled and pushed sliding it thru their lips . I could feel their tongues flicking the sides of my shaft as it slid back and forth thru their lips . One time as they reached the end of my dick Janis moved away and Mona took it in her mouth and held it there as they moved me back onto the bed . When my legs hit the bed and I fell backwards Mona went with me and my dick was driven down her throat . She held it there as Janis moved to suck on my balls . While Janis teased my ball sack Mona was bobbing on my shaft and raising my legs . When they were up Mona was deep throating me and when my dick was all the way down she would try to hum around it sending vibrations into my balls . Janis moved my ball sack up and out of the way so she could run her tongue thru my crack and around my hole . She pressed the tip of her tongue to my sphincter and pressed until it slipped past . As she moved her tongue around in my ass Mona hummed on my dick again and I shot a load directly into her stomach . She was swallowing around my shaft even though there was nothing there and it was milking me like a baby on a teat . When I shot my load my ass closed on Janis 's tongue and made her yelp . " Damn I thought I had lost the end of my tongue . " They both up to lay next to me . Janis stuck out her tongue to me . " Kith it baby you maath it hurth . " I kissed her tongue and sucked it into my mouth rubbing my tongue over it . She pulled it out and said " Mmmmm , that 's much better . " Mona whispered in my ear , " You must have really liked the show tonight . I swallowed more come tonight than ever before . Maybe tomorrow night Janis can set a new record . " " Nope but if you roll over her I 'll give you a nice nipple to go to sleep sucking on . " I rolled facing Mona and sucked a tasty nipple in my mouth as Janis snuggled up behind me and slipped a hand between my legs to hold my balls . I slept contented . We woke up to knocking on the bedroom door . When I yelled come in Naomi and Becka walked in naked as j - birds . " Mona said you guys were going to take us on the morning rounds today . " I shook Mona and when she woke up we all loaded in the truck naked and headed to the other property . We went thru the barns taking care of stalls and stock until we got to the breeding barn . When Naomi saw the two bales with the saddle blanket on them she turned around and looked at Mona . " I bet that 's not for your horses . " Mona blushed and said " You 'd win that bet . We 've had some pretty good times out here . " Naomi laid down on the bales and spread her legs . Becka bent down between them and started lapping at her pussy . We were standing there watching until Janis and Mona went to them and started playing with Naomi 's breasts and sucking on her nipples . I had my dick in my hand stroking it as I watch the four women pleasing each other . Then I saw Becka look at me then reach back and spread her cheeks . I stood behind her and saw Mona look up at me and mouth ' It 's ok ' . I dropped to my knees and put my mouth over her pussy and pushed my tongue in to sample her . She had a sweet musky taste and smelled like jasmine . As I sucked on her hole she trembled and moaned into Naomi 's pussy . She lifted her head and looked back at me . All she said was " Fuck me . " I stood up and rubbed my dick thru her slit wetting it with her juices . I put the tip to entrance to her pussy and started pushing it in . She shuddered and threw her head back . " Oh god it 's so big . Fill me with your cock . My pussy hasn 't had any in way to long . Just put it all in me . " As I pushed more into her she kept moaning , " oh , oh , oh fuck . " When I still had a couple of inches to go she shook all over as her juices flowed around my shaft letting it slide easier . While she had her orgasm I drove the rest of the way in . her moans increased as I pulled out and drove all the way back in . I stroked faster as her cum wet her tunnel and made penetration easier . Her orgasm increased as I fucked her harder . Her legs started shaking and I got my arms under her just before she collapsed . As I went to lay her on the floor and my dick slid from her she moaned softly , " Now do Naomi , please ? " I looked at her and saw she was busy with Mona 's breast in her mouth , Janis sucking on one of her breasts and her hands working feverously on Janis and Mona 's pussy 's . I moved up between Naomi 's legs and lifted then to my shoulders before driving my dick deep into her wet slot , my balls slapping her ass . She tried to say something but Mona was pressing her breast to Naomi 's mouth creating a very effective gag . I held her legs and used them to help me drive hard and deep into her . Her sleeve felt like a tight fist moving up and down my shaft and I was getting near cumming so I pounded harder . As I unleashed a torrent of cum into her vagina her back arched as she yelled into Mona 's breast again . I could feel her girl cum leaking around my dick and running onto my balls I had tight against her ass . Mona rose up and came to kiss me as I slowly pulled my dick from Naomi 's pussy . She raised her head to look at me . " Oh shit now I feel so empty . " Becka said she knew how she felt . She got to her knees next to me and took my cum slick cock in her hand . She was stroking it gently and working it back to its full size . " Can I have some more . I would want to suck on that big stick . " When I said yes she had Naomi get off the bales and laid down with her head over the end . She reached for my shaft and pulled me close , putting my dick between her lips . She placed her hands on my hips and pulled me closer taking my dick in her mouth . Halfway in I hit her throat and she gagged . She kept trying and I heard " guugh , guugh , guugh , guugh , " as she continued trying to get it all in . she finally stopped trying to get it all in and concentrated sucking on what she could get in her mouth and stroking the rest . Naomi had bent down and was busy licking Becka 's slit clean when Mona got down behind her , licking and tonguing her ass . Janis had bent over Becka and put her lips on my shaft where it was disappearing into Becka 's throat . I had my hands on Becka 's head fucking her mouth like a pussy , every now and then pushing in far enough to get " guugh , guugh " from her . When my cum blasted from my dick I held it against the back of her mouth and felt her throat taking most of my load with a little leaking out onto her cheeks . When I pulled out of her mouth , Janis licked my cum from Becka 's cheeks then kissed her , swirling in it both their mouths . Becka was raising her hips to Naomi 's lips as she got her pussy sucked and Mona was still behind Naomi sucking on her pussy and ass . Naomi 's groaned as her legs wobbled and she dropped to the floor . When she got back up she had a sheepish look on her face . She turned to Mona and hugged her . " Thank you . That was something wonderful . " When we left in the truck I was sitting in back between Mona and Naomi . " We are , just like you , Mona and Janis . That doesn 't mean no one else . We just have to agree who . I 've been on the phone with Mona and Janis for the last week planning . You didn 't really think we just showed up and fell into your arms did you ? They told us how good you were to them and said if you didn 't object we could be part of your family and maybe in a few months you would help me and Becka with the family we want . " " If you think I 'm asking you to help us get pregnant , yes . We want to get settled in for a while then work on getting pregnant . We aren 't asking for any financial support afterwards we just want children of our own . We 'll understand if you say no and it won 't have any effect on our work for Mona . We 'll just have to find someone else . " I looked at Mona . " Naomi is my best friend . When I called her about coming down here to work we got to talking about everything going on in our lives and when she told me they were starting to look for someone to help them have a child I thought what red blooded man wouldn 't four women around asking him for sex and willing to share . I didn 't tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise . Boy did it work . " " So you 're ok with the five of us living here together as a family , and sharing ? " She and Naomi put their hands on my shaft and started stroking as they leaned across me and shared a passionate kiss then sat back up next to me . " As long as you understand you 're not the only one sharing . " When we got back to the house Naomi and Becka headed off to their room hugging each other and looking very happy and we went to the kitchen to start breakfast . Naomi and Becka came down wearing Levis and work shirts and joined us . When they noticed me looking at them Becka said , " Mona said we might have a client show up today so we have to be prepared . " Mona said , " I was going to tell you after breakfast . He 's not supposed to be here until just before lunch . " After breakfast Naomi and Becka left to go to work while Mona , Janis and I went up and dressed for the client 's arrival . Mona and Janis were wearing casual summer dresses and I was in cargo shorts and a polo shirt . We had been working in the office several hours when Mona 's phone rang . When she hung up she said he would be arriving in a few minutes so she called Naomi to let her know then told us she would go meet him and bring him in . As soon as Mona left , Janis stood up and pulled her dress over her head . Standing there naked she handed it to me . " I have a fantasy and I need your help . Hide that in one of your drawers and sit down . " With that she climbed under my desk just before Mona walked back in with the client . Read 97602 times | Best story ever and the actual writing is professional . Lucky me , three more chapters to go . Then I get to read all of your other works . By then it will be Spring , 2015 . Thank you ! ! ( countrycadillac ) We agree , it 's a terrific story . Love all the characters so far . Really enjoyed reading about the ass hole husband gettin ' blow away . I think all ass hole husbands that treat their women badly , should die and be sent to hell . Ok about this Jacuzzi tub not staying hot . Ours stays hot as long as we have the jets on . There 's heater in the system that keeps the water warm . If yours does not have a heater , get one . Then you never have to worry about the water gettin ' cold . Are the rest of the ranch hands going to be female too ? Bill is either going to live to a 100 , because of his cardio work out every hour or he 's going to die within 6 months . But , man what a way to go . We 've booked marked you profile and will be checkin ' back every day or so , to catch the next episode of this story . |
I 'm a 61 year old mother of three grown children and 6 grandchildren . I live in a southern state , and work in the information technology field . I enjoy sewing , and love antiques . I grew up in Arkansas . Raised my family and then went to college . I know about cotton picking and hard work . My dad was a sharecropper , and we grew up on a working farm . I have tried to instill good morals and a hard work ethic in my children . In this day of calculators , computer aided cash registers , and kids who can subtract in their heads , people just don 't know how to make change . I went to the local grocery store yesterday afternoon to pick up a couple of things . When I got to the register , one young man was training another to check groceries . I laid my stuff down , the trainee scanned my items and asked if that was all . I politely said yes , and he hit the total key . My purchases came to $ 4 . 17 . I gave him a $ 10 . The somewhat arrogant trainer ( although they looked to be about the same age ) told him to hit the $ 10 button , which I assume would tell him how much change to give me , but he evidently didn 't hit it hard enough and my change came up $ . 00 . The trainer huffed , walked over to the cash register , opened the drawer , counted out $ 5 . 82 and as he told the trainee what he had done wrong , tried to hand me the money . He laid the change on the five and attempted to hand it to me . I asked him to count it to me . He said $ 5 . 82 cents . I said no , count it to me to make $ 10 . He said he didn 't owe me $ 10 . I told him I was well aware of that , but I wanted my change counted back to me . He said he didn 't know how . I said then how do you know this is the right amount of money . He said he subtracted it . I said where ? He said in his head . I told him I didn 't trust his head and I wanted it counted back to me . He couldn 't . I smiled at the trainee , he was smiling too . I felt the trainer had belittled the trainee when he became huffy . Mr trainer got paid back . He assured me it was correct , that he had subtracted it correctly . I assured him that he was probably right , but I didn 't want to be cheated , and I felt sure his employer didn 't want to be cheated either . He again tried to hand me the money . I said not until you count it back . I wasn 't being ugly . We were all laughing ( mostly at the trainer ) , but I made him hold out his hand in which he held the change , and counted the money back . 3 pennies made 20 cents , a nickel made 25 , and 3 quarters made $ 5 . The $ 5 bill in his handPosted by I am a Parrothead ! Can you be a ParrotHead if you 've never actually been to a Jimmy Buffet concert ? I hope so . Can you be a Parrothead if you don 't have a tattoo of a Parrot on your sholder ? Please say yes . I love Jimmy Buffet 's music . I knew all the words to Margauritaville ( except for the lost verse ) back when it was getting play on the radio . And if I 'm going to have a drink , it 's usually a Marguarita . I know every word to the songs on the ' Songs You Know By Heart ' cd . I 've read his books about his life and the novel he wrote a few years ago called A Salty Piece of Land . I recently read he 's had a 40 year career as a singer , songwriter , author and businessman . He 's been proclaimed the musical Mark Twain . A true American Storyteller . I don 't know if Mark Twain was quite as tongue - in - cheek as Buffet , but I tend to agree with his being a storyteller . He rose in my opinion when I saw him participate in Ed Bradley 's funeral service . It seems he 'd taken Ed to his first Blues concert in New Orleans , and to his last . What got me started on Jimmy Buffet this time of the morning you ask ? I had a dream last night . Several other people and I were on a beautiful white sail boat . It was large enough that we could live on it , and we were seeing the world . Why were we on it , and where were we going ? I don 't know . I just know we were seeing some of the most beautiful scenery in the water travelling world . And seeing all this from the bow of a boat , gliding through the water . There were ocean beaches , and there were volcano 's . But it was just the most serene ride I 'd ever had . Everyone was laughing and pleasant . And yes , Jimmy and the Coral Reefer Band was there . I don 't know when I 've enjoyed a dream quite so much . Unfortunately , I woke up to find I was just in my bed waiting for the alarm to go off . Isn 't it a wonderful thing that our minds can rest in this way ? I have a lot of silly dreams that I just can 't possibly think of a reason I would have dreamed what I did . And I don 't know what sparked this one , but I 'll take this triPosted by I spend a lot of time talking here in this blog about my grandchildren . That is some of them . I mention in my bio that I have six , but you hear mostly about the youngest four who range in age from five down to the age of one . However , I have one that is eleven , and one that is over 21 . I say over 21 because my ' oldtimers ' kicks in and I can 't remember if he 's actually 22 or 23 . He is , however , one of the greatest joys of my life . I was a young grandmother . I 'm still a young grandmother - - you can stop laughing now ! ! ! When my daughter married , she and her husband lived with me for a while . It was during this time , GS # 1 was born . Therefore , they brought him to my house . I worked 3rd shift at this time so I didn 't get in on any of the 2AM feedings , but I was there in the morning and was able to spend a lot of time with him . As he grew , we became very close . He spent a lot of time with me , and I enjoyed every moment of it . He was one of the best little boys I had ever encountered . He would go anywhere , do anything . He was never crancky or irritable , just a happy little boy . Sometimes , I would almost forget he was with me . He had a big bucket of ' stuff ' that he played with when he came . I would spread out a quilt on my bed where he would dump all this ' stuff ' , watch tv and play for hours . One day I needed something from the store , got in the car , got half way down the street , and realized he was at the house . I immediately turned around and went home to get him . He got an extra treat that day . I have lots of wonderful memories that I made with him . He would go absolutely anywhere with me . I took him with me to give blood one day . He was about 4 at the time . He was all about seeing everything they were doing to me , and he was getting all the special treatment from the lady who had all the clamps , scissors and more importantly band - aids and stickers . At one point during all this , he referred to me as grandma . She said I didn 't look old enough to have a grandchild . He chirped right up and told her I was 100 . I think with that , Posted by Our first plan was that both these girls would spend the night with their memaw . Daughter # 2 had plans to play Bunko . That 's Princess # 1 and Princess # 2 . Then the Bunko party got cancelled , and it was determined that I needed to work late , at least until about 6 : 30 . That was change # 1Then P # 1 's BFF Anna Bobanna , called and wanted her to spend the night with her leaving P # 2 without anyone to entertain her . Not that she needs much , it 's just that she feels left out when she doesn 't have anything to do when P # 1 does . So Daughter # 2 , calls me at work and asked if P # 2 could go ahead and spend the night , and since I thought I 'd be leaving around 6 : 30 , I said sure . Bring the little darling to me at work along with her suitcase , and she could go with me . That was change # 2 . P # 2 came bringing her supper in a bag ( health consious as we are ) lol , from Hardees . Her mother left , she ate and began playing while I continued what Iwas doing . This meantI was basically waiting to see if the budget rolled correctly , or if I would have to do some programming to fix any problems the budget folks ran into . Notice I didn 't say caused - - but rather ' ran into ' . Unfortunately , things got changed once again . Thus change # 3 . It became apparent that it was going to take much longer than originally thought to complete the processes , and it got close to 8 : 00 . P # 2 usually goes to bed around that time and I could tell she was winding down . I suggested she put her pj 's on so in the event she fell asleep in the car , I would only have to get her in bed at home . This is when she discovered that she had forgotten her pj bottoms . She was not a happy camper . We called her mother who suggested if she came and got her , she could go home , get her pj bottoms and then go to sleep in her bed rather than on the floor by my desk . Fortunately , D # 2 and her family live only about 10 minutes from my work . Change # 4 occurred slowly as 8 : 00 turned into 9 : 00 and then into 10 : 00 . We finally called a supervisor who came back to the office to make the decisions as to whether wePosted by This is an Eastern Mockingbird . I have at least one of these residing in my Japanese Maple which sits at the NW corner of my house . I also sleep in the bedroom on the NW corner of my house . I always thought that birds , unless disturbed , were quiet at night , else they give away their position to the possible maurading night preditor . Except for Owls perhaps . Not my Eastern Mockingbird ! It obviously isn 't afraid of prowling cats , which is about the only night preditor around here . At least I hope so . Anyway , about 1 : 30AM this morning , after the night had cooled enough for the central unit to kick off for a while , I was awakened to the glorious serenade of none other than a Mockingbird . At first I was puzzled , then a bit annoyed , then I decided to just enjoy the concert . Either , it finished it 's song / songs , I drifted off to sleep , or that preditor had a meal , because I woke again about 3 and could no longer hear it . This particular Mockingbird also likes to sit on the wrought iron of my front porch and sing . This is when I get to enjoy it most since it 's entirely too hot to sit outside right now for a concert . Although not as pretty as the Bluejays and the Cardinal that also reside in my yard along with several Robins , the Mockingbird gives me the most listening pleasure . I like to watch the Bluejays dive and swoop at the cats that come around , and I just like seeing the bright red of the Cardinal male . My mother used to have a Mockingbird that sat on top of the tv antenna . Dad used to accuse it of causing poor reception . When was the last time you experienced an unexpected serenade ? You have to tell me . I just have to know . Hope you have a fabulous Thursday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . Does anyone besides me remember that song that was popular a million years ago , I don 't know the name of it , but the chorus said , ' And when those cotton bolls get rotten , you can 't pick very much cotton , in those old cotton fields back home ' . If you ever picked any cotton , you know that you pick the cotton when the boll is open , white and fluffy . I 'm attaching a picture of the cotton field across the road in front of my house . And I 'm standing on a paved street to take it . We have some farm land that is in our incorporated town . This cotton was planted sometime between mid April and mid May . And I noticed they have started watering it . It will get about twice as high as it is now . It will have blooms , then they will turn into squares and this is where the boll will form . When it matures , the leaves on the cotton will begin to turn a rust colored red , and you will begin to see white as the bolls begin to open . The other thing about cotton , is the unmistakable smell when it is getting ready for harvest . It isn 't offensive or anything , it just has it 's own peculiar smell . Needless to say , if they make a perfume of it , I won 't be buying any . It 's a big deal to find the first bloom , and a really big deal to gin the first bale . You usually get your name and picture in the paper for either or both . I know many of you weren 't interested in a farming lesson this morning , but cotton was once the bane of my existence while also being what put most of the food on our table and the proverbial room over our heads . There were few things I hated more when I was a kid than chopping cotton . This came in second only to picking it . Now I just view it as a photo opp . There is no more hand picking . That has been replaced by machinery . As the cotton progresses , I 'll take some more pictures and let you see what it looks like . Maybe , if I happen to be home when they pick it , I can get a picture or two of that as well . It was a dark and stormy night ! No , wait , that was the way Snoopy always started his story . In fact , it 's an absolutely gorgeous day here in NE Arkansas . It 's afternoon already - - sorry for the late post - - and it 's 91 degrees . Fortunately , I work in a cool place with a window that allows me to see what is going on outside . I 'm always amazed at how the seasons progress . Only a few days ago , it was too wet to plant cotton . Now that cotton is at least 8 to 10 inches tall and looks perfect . We are into the wheat harvest now and every afternoon as I make my way home , I see black billowing smoke as the stubble is being burned off to make way for soybeans . Early soybeans are about the same size as the cotton and many people can 't tell the difference from the road . But when you 've lived as close to the fields and have chopped as much cotton as I have ( and I haven 't chopped nearly as much a a lot of people ) you can tell the difference . When my dad farmed , we grew cotton , soybeans , wheat , corn and some milo . Rice was just beginning to get it 's foothold in our area about the time he retired . We chopped and picked ( by hand ) the cotton . Most everything else was cut with machinery . Occasionally , if we had a small patch of corn that we were raising for feed , we would pick it by hand . Nowdays there is very little work done on the farm by hand , although , I did see some people chopping cotton one day . My heart went out to them . And now it 's only a few days until July 4th . You had to have your crops ' laid by ' in time for the 4th . That meant that all the work was done and you would now wait until time for the harvest . I think also , that after the 4th , it was just about too hot to be out working in the fields anyway . I 'm looking forward to the 4th this year . I 'm hoping that my children and I can get together for a bbq , some potato salad and banana pudding . Those are the main dishes for most of our get - togethers . Daughter # 2 makes some mean deviled eggs too and I 'm sure there will be a pot of baked beans . As the Bush Baked Bean commercial sPosted by As many of you know , my friend Linda has been struggling with Cancer for the most of this last year . She lost her battle Saturday morning . No one has ever fought as courageous a battle as she . She will be laid to rest this afternoon . She was a vital part of our ladies class at our church , so as you might well imagine , she was on our minds heavily as we thought of her Sunday morning . She wanted no tears from us and the last thing she told her sister - in - law was that she was going to beat her to Heaven . She maintained her sense of humor til the very end . She had every right to also . She knew exactly where she was going as she took those final steps in her transition from this world to the next . We as mortals , however , are sad that we will no longer see her smiling face . We will miss the hugs and words of encouragement she was so well known for . And we know that we are being selfish in our desire to keep her with us when we all knew so well how she had suffered . So we tried to rejoice and talk about the love we had for her and she for us . At some point in our lives , we are all afraid of dying . When I was younger , I worried about what would happen to my small children if I wasn 't around to see to it they went to church . I wondered who would see to it they went to school and had clean clothes . Most of us mothers don 't think anyone can take care of our children like we would . Now that my children are grown , I don 't have that fear any more , I simply want to know they are in a good relationship with God . I know they can take care of their children . I guess we don 't really know if we are afraid of dying until we are faced with that prospect . And when faced with that five years ago , I wasn 't afraid . I think as we mature , we know whether we will be able to spend time in Abraham 's bosom while waiting for judgment or if we 'll end up in the Hadean realm like the rich man . I know that Linda is waiting in Abraham 's bosom for those of us who knew her , and will be standing there to welcome us into that comfort . Do you think anyone has evePosted by I left work a little early yesterday . Bought gas , went by the bank , stopped at the Library to pick up the books I 'd requested earlier in the week and went home . I sat down to begin reading the first one , and read a little more than a chapter when I fell asleep . I guess I was much more tired that I realized . I woke up at 12 : 20AM the next morning , and went to bed . At some point I dreamed about my dad . He came to see me and the little Princess . He played with her and told me how beautiful she was . She 'll not remember his visit , but I don 't think I 'll ever forget it . Even thought it was just a dream , it seemed very real and that 's the way I 'll remember it . I 've dreamed about him before , but I don 't think I 've ever remembered it so vividly . Wouldn 't it be wonderful to have the people we miss visit us in our dreams more often ? It 's a beautiful morning here . It 's cool outside , and there 's some fog over the cotton field across the road . There 's a big robin in the front yard pulling worms from the ground probably to feed her babies . My son came and cut the grass last Wednesday so that 's done , and I 'm going to pull a few weeds from my border of monkey grass . My beautiful clematis has finished blooming ( I wish they bloomed all summer ) and my lace cap hydrangea is in full bloom . Summer is officially here and the heat is supposed to be back with us soon . But today is going to be wonderful . I hope you have a great Saturday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . Today is the first day of summer . And to be quite frank , I 'm blank . Nothing of note happened yesterday . I came to work , didn 't cough quite as much . I picked up Superhero and took him home to his mother . He tried his best to persuade me that I was supposed to take him to his other grandmother 's house . I knew better . His mother asked me to pick him up and bring him home . I delivered him and played with the little Princess for a few minutes . We have found out she 's allergic to penecillin and is one large red whelp - - her mother says she 's better today . Then I went home . I sat down to watch ' the wheel ' and slept through the bonus round . About 8 , I woke up to find there was no Cardinal 's game on so I went to bed . What a boring , uneventful life I lead . I 'd love to put in a cute quote , or a funny story or something that would amuse my readers , but it 's just not there folks . Just think , it seems that only yesterday I was hating the fact it was Monday . Now I have the next three days to hate it again - - bummer ! Maybe after I get all this crud cleared out of my head , it will work a little better . I see the ent 's on Tuesday . Maybe decapitation won 't be the cure . Have a great Friday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . My friend Linda has been on my mind almost continually . But that 's the way we are to pray - continually , and that 's what I 've been doing on her behalf . You see , she 's nearing the end of her life . I got acquainted with Linda about three years ago . At that time , she had gone through breast cancer , and reconstructive surgery . She actually caught my attention after the breast surgery when she wore a machine that was a drain contraption and it would periodically make a swooshing sound . She was apologetic about the noise , but nobody cared . We all knew it was necessary and we would much rather hear the soft whoosh occasionally than have her stay home from worship . At that time , she was deemed ' cancer free ' . In the last year , one of her checkup 's began to cause concern . The cancer had returned and it was in her liver . She has gone through every kind of treatment the Dr 's could think of to give her . She lost her hair , but never her dignity . The meds caused her joints to be stiff , she got a cane . She lost the feeling in her hands and feet , she just made sure she was careful . But the one thing she never lost was her ability to come to church . Linda and her husband have no children . No one to help her during this trying time except her husband and her church family . She is one of the kindest people you would ever want to meet . She always has a smile and a friendly word . She has been such an encouragement to me . She would probably tell you she came to church because it was the only time she could get out . But she came to church because of her deep abiding faith . She loves the Lord and wants to be in His presence along with her Christian brothers and sisters . Within the next few days or possibly weeks , she won 't have to come to worship to be in His presence . She will be making her journey home . We will miss her terribly , and our best memory of her will be her enduring strength and faith . If you pray , please add to your list my friend Linda . My prayer for has changed over the last weeks , I started praying for her recovery , but since Posted by I 've found an author that I really like . Her name is Debbie Macomber . She has been writing for quite some time , but I only recently found her . I love books that are a series , sort of like Anne of Greene Gables and The Mitford Series and one of my favorites - Love Comes Softly by Jeanette Oke . Debbie has several series out . There are at least three in any of them , and as many as 8 in some . Why do I like books in series you might ask ? They are almost like reading a small town newspaper . You get acquainted with characters , then are able to see what they are doing five or ten years later . You can 't wait to get to the next book to find out what they are doing . I found Debbie through the Blossom Street Series . I was looking for something to read , and ran across Twenty Wishes . Not knowing it was part of a series , I read it and then went looking to see if she had any other books I found I had read the 4th book in a 5 book series . So now I 'm looking for the first 4 . Daughter # 2 picked up what she thought was the first two for me from our main county library . But what she got was the companion books with actual knitting patterns . I like to knit , but not so much in the summer time . Actually I 've decided to knit everyone a scarf for Christmas , but don 't tell anyone . But I digress . When I got home , I stopped by the branch library , and they have ordered the two books for me , and I 'll get them on Friday . I think I 'm going to go ahead and get the 3rd one , or have them order it for me . What type of books do you read ? Do you like books in series or one book , one story ? If you have read a good series , tell me about it , and when I finish with Debbie 's books , I 'll give them a try . Hope you have a wonderful Wednesday . Do something silly . Make someone smile . And as a side note , the Little Princess is allergic to penicillin . When I dropped of Superhero yesterday , Princess had spots all over her little body . Her mom thought it might be something she was eating , but this morning it was much worse . I don 't know if she called the dr 's office or wePosted by Do you remember losing your first tooth ? I don 't . And I never got any money for any tooth that came out of my head . I don 't remember any of my friends from school getting any money either . How do these things get started ? Who thought up the tooth fairy ? And why didn 't someone shoot him the first time he appeared ? The only thing I remember about losing teeth is that I was told that if I could keep from putting my tongue into the empty hole , I would grow a gold tooth in the place of the one that came out . Now what 's the first thing you do when there 's no longer a tooth in that hole ? Of course , you stick your tongue into it . So , guess what , no gold teeth for me . I also remember my dad saying I 'd have to be careful or else a bean would slip through the hole when I was eating . We ate a lot of beans so I 'm not sure why I 'd care about that . I tell this story because the oldest princess lost her first tooth yesterday . It had been loose for a week or so and she was so excited about it . About 3 yesterday afternoon my phone rang at work . She was calling to tell me about the toothShe didn 't talk long . She had other people to call . It was hard on her mama . She is losing her babies . They are turning into little girls . I remember hearing a story about a fellow whose tooth wouldn 't come out and he was a big boy . His dad had him lie down on the floor and they tied a broom handle to the tooth and the dad was going to yank it out . When he pulled up on the broom handle , it slipped and hit the boy in the nose . His tooth didn 't come out , but he had a broken nose . Dosen 't that conjure up an interesting picture ? Do you have any funny teeth stories ? I 'd love to hear them . Have a good Tuesday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . I feel sorry for Monday . I think it the most disliked and mistreated day of the week . Why , you ask ? I can 't think of anyone who wants to get up and go to work on Monday . I personally spend at least 2 or sometimes 3 hours on Sunday despising the thought of having to go back to work on Monday . Monday is the fartherest day away from the beginning of the weekend . We never want it to come around . Songs have been written about Monday . There 's ' Blue Monday ' I think Chubby Checker sang . There 's ' Monday , Monday ' by the Mama 's and Papa 's . Maybe we could vote it out of the week , and make Sunday two days long . That way , we 'd have an extra weekend day , and it wouldn 't take as long to get to Friday . I think those of us in favor of this action should unite . What do you think ? Would you like to do away with Monday ? Do you think we could ever get on any kind of ballot ? Let me know a reason you dislike Monday . I 'm inquiring . Have a great Monday ( if you aren 't too despondent ) . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . Father 's Day is here . It 's time to reflect and reminisce . My dad died of cancer in 1993 . He was in his late 70 's and had lived a pretty full life . His own father had died of pneumonia when my dad was only 14 . At that point he became the man of the house for his mother and 4 of his 5 siblings . He had to go to work , and work like a grownup in order to buy food for his family . In the late 30 's , he entered military service and was stationed in Alaska the day Pearl Harbor was bombed . Soon after , he shipped out and landed half way across the world . He saw England , Belgium and France through the eyes of a young man trying to stay alive when there were people looking to kill him . He was in an engineering battalion that came in after the area had been deemed safe , and would then begin attempting to rebuild what had been ravaged by war . He didn 't see any of the hand - to - hand combat that so many did , but he was close enough at one point that he ended up with shrapnel in his right knee and leg . He came home after the war ended , met and married my mother , and began raising his family . In his later years , while he was sick , and since his death , people who knew him when he was a young man have given us an insight to a man who took care of people . We were told about how he took up for the little kids at school . He didn 't let the bullies on the school yard pick on the little kids . His step sister made a trip from Alabama when she found out he was sick , and told about a trip to the Memphis Zoo when they were young . Several of the kids in the area had decided to make this trip . His step sister wanted to go , but her father didn 't want her to . Being the oldest , he took responsibility for her and his youngest brother . They drove the 70 miles to the zoo in a flat bed truck . Can you imagine hauling a bunch of kids on an open truck ? Once they got to the zoo , and had walked around for a while , he needed to sit down and take off his shoes . They were new and were hurting his feet . As they sat resting , one of the monkeys ( which were allowed to roamPosted by Here is the Birthday Girl at her party . She was quite oblivious to what was going around . She just wanted to have fun playing . She is the perfect hostess . She was nice to everyone . She got some really cute toys to play with and a new dress . I got her pajamas . She had a good time playing with all the other kids , and was totally pooped when it was over . The Princess is one today . We are having a family birthday party at lunch and the little ones will swim . I asked her mother what to get her for her birthday , and she suggested pajamas . I bought her three sets . They weren 't easy to find , but I finally got them at Target . The neat thing is they have a pair of short and a pair of long bottoms with each top . I guess you determine how much leg you want to keep warm and go from there . It seems like she was just born last month , instead of 12 months ago . This picture is what she looked like at about 6 weeks . I 'll post her 1 year old picture today after the party . This is going to be one of those lazy Saturday 's . I haven 't done much today . It rained last night , but I don 't know how much . I 'm hoping it 's going to be cooler today . What is your Saturday going to be like ? Hope you have a great Saturday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . I watched a special on PBS last night about Johnny Cash - His Music and His Vision . What a trip that was . He was the first country music star to have a variety show on a major network . He had people from all types of music . It probably wouldn 't have been very interesting to people in their 30 's and maybe even 40 's , but it brought back so many memories for this nearly 60 year old woman . I wouldn 't have recognized Neil Diamond if he hadn 't been introduced and that the voice was definitely his . He was a very good looking fellow . James Taylor has definitely gotten better looking with age . He really needed a haircut . He sang Sweet Baby James . The best performance of the night was Ray Charles doing his version of Ring of Fire . I never cared much for Neil Young or Joni Mitchell . Bob Dylan would never have made it past Simon on American Idol . I can remember watching my cousins and their boyfriends dance to Blue Suede Shoes by Carl Perkins . That was in the mid 50 's and I wasn 't old enough to dance or have a boy friend for that matter . They showed a clip of Jerry Lee Lewis . I remember listening to Whole Lot of Shakin Goin On on the way to the field to pick cotton as a kid . Then many years later ( back during my wild days ) a group of our friends had been somewhere one Saturday night and stopped in to get something to eat at Berry 's Truck Stop , well after midnight , and he and his band were there eating . He was also very drunk . There were lots of people there eating . It was one of the few places that stayed open all night , but then again , it was a truck stop . About the time we got our food , he stood and made a little speech about the people who were there . It wasn 't very nice , but we just laughed , ate our food , paid and left . I guess that 's my story of meeting the rich and famous , execpt for the time I talked to Walter Matheau in Hot Springs . What has sparked a good memory lately that you were not expecting ? Those are the best to share . Hope you are having a great Friday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . I get a lot of junk email , don 't you ? Some of it is scams saying they are holding my inheritance in a bank in some foreign country I 've never heard of , and I 'm supposed to supply basic information to a person with a yahoo address so they can pay it to me . I 've got enough sense to know that giving anyone basic information is going to allow them to clean all of my $ 42 out of my bank account . Then I get stuff from ' friends ' that say after you read this , send it to X number of other people including myself and I 'll know you are a true friend . Or the ones that have a prayer and some scripture that say if you love Jesus you will keep this message going , and if you don 't forward it you don 't love Jesus . I don 't think whether I forward an email determines my love for Jesus . So , I 'm a chain breaker ! Sue me ! I always read them , I just don 't forward . But the other day I got one that as I read it , it brought back memories , so I 'm going to put a few of the questions here . Answer them if you wish , I don 't need to know those answers , but if any of them strike a familiar chord , then the time to put them in will have been worth it . Have you ever : ( ) Gone on a blind date ( ) Skipped School ( ) Watched someone die ( ) Been lost ( ) Swam in the ocean ( ) Cried yourself to sleep ( ) Played Cops and Robbers ( ) Recently colored with crayons ( ) Sang Karaoke ( ) Paid for your meal with coins ( ) Done something you told yourself you 'd never doHope you are having a wonderful Thursday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . This beautiful yellow and black creature floated across my porch this morning . I stood and watched him for a minute knowing that by the time I grabbed my camera , he 'd be gone , but I took a chance and when I got back he was still there . I took one picture through the glass door ( not shown here ) , and then sneaked out the kitchen door and slipped around to the front and snapped a few pics . He flew up and toward me , and I figured that would be all I 'd get , but he soon landed on another flower and allowed me to get quite close for these pictures . Monarch 's are what we have most of in this area , but I 'm not sure if that is what this one is . If you are a butterfly officianado and recognize this one , please let me know what it is . I was just tickled to get a picture of it . What beautiful thing have you seen this morning ? Hope you are having a great Tuesday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . I received this award from my friend Robbin at Cedar Chest of Dreams last week . I was very touched that she gave it to me . It is to be given to someone who is Nice . It is now my turn to share this award with someone I feel is a Nice person . I have chosen ( Drum roll please ) Marge at Road Sage . She is having to deal with placing her mother in long term care . Her mother has health issues that are difficult at best . I read in her posts about the love she has for her and the fear she feels about what lies ahead . So , Marge , I give to you the Nice award for all the love and kindness you show to your dear mother . I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend . Did you make it to worship ? Have a great Monday . Do something silly . Make someone laugh . I told you a couple of weeks ago about my dissapointment in my Lace Cap Hydrangea . I had planted it about 5 or 6 years ago and it just had not bloomed . Oh , maybe one or two , but just not what I had expected . I 'd had people say they bloomed on old growth . I 'd had people suggest I prune it back . I had tried everything with little luck . This spring I had mentioned to my son ( aka The Builder ) that I wanted it pulled up along with some other shrubs that I 'd grown tired of , and he said when he had time , he would get them out . I think the hydrangea overheard this conversation , and began to shake and quiver and decided it had better produce or it would be thrown on the burning pile . It is now totally loaded with blooms , and of the several pictures I took of those blooms , this is the best . I cut the grass Thursday afternoon when I got home . The Builder was planning to do it , but when I told him I was going to , he came over , got the mower going for me ( I 'd never used it before and didn 't know how to start it ) . But I didn 't do any trimming . All I have is an electric trimmer , and dragging the cord around is a lot of trouble . I went to Lowe 's yesterday at lunch and bought the smallest gas powered trimmer they had that also said ' E - Z - Pull ' start . I came home with the intention of trimming as much as I could , but when I drove in , I realized it had been done . The Builder had beaten me to the punch . And boy , I was glad he did . Needless to say , the new trimmer is still in it 's box . But I will need to go ahead and learn to use it . The Builder is getting ready to start their house , and he will have more than enough to do without having to do all my honey do jobs . What jobs were you able to get out of this week ? Did someone else do it for you , or did you put it off for other reasons ? I can always figure out reasons to put things off . Have a great Saturday . Do something silly . Make someone smile . Have you ever been flustered , at your wits end , tired ? Have you ever forgotten your name ? On Wednesday , I had a dr 's appointment . I left work at noon , and on the way to the dr , I remembered that I hadn 't gotten my car tags renewed . I had plenty of time , so I ran home , got the renewal form and went to the court house . I stopped and assessed , waited my turn , and while getting my things ready , I realized I didn 't have any checks . The revenue office isn 't set up to take either credit or debit cards , so I had to run back home and get a check . This is a small town , so it wasn 't like it took forever , and I still had plenty of time . But by this time , I was getting tired and a bit flustered . I got my sticker for my license plate , put it on and drove across the street to the dr 's office ( remember , I said small town ) . I parked , got out of my vehicle , and went inside . The receptionist ( I 've known her for about 45 years ) spoke as I came in , and I walked up to the window to sign in . Here is where the problem started . My name is Shirley , if you don 't already know that . I picked up the pen so I could sign in , and as plainly and simply as anything at all , I write " SHERRY " . I immediately realized what I had done . I said to Pam , ' look what I just wrote for my name ' . She looked at it and said , ' your name isn 't Sherry ' . DUH ! What kind of a brain bubble did I have ? I really don 't ever remember wanting to be called Sherry . I hadn 't been thinking about anyone named Sherry . I can only think of about three people I know named Sherry . Needless to say , everyone thought it was funny . We decided I had a split personality and maybe she is trying to come out . I told Daughter # 1 about it later that night . She died laughing . I didn 't think it was too funny , but I 'm getting over it . I can 't say it hasn 't bothered me . Sherry ! Where did that come from ? I just have to shake my head when I think about it . Doc listened to my complaints , prescribed some medicine for them , and had the nurse take some blood . I don 't expect anything unusual to show up , and I 'm feelPosted by We talked about blooming where we are planted in our Ladie 's Bible Class last night . Several people had thoughts on the different places they 'd been planted in their lives - - moves , new jobs , that sort of thing . But then we went a step further . What kind of a bloom are you ? She used the illustration of a sunflower and how once the bloom forms , it follows the sun . If you 've ever noticed a field of sunflowers they look different at various times of the day . That is because the bloom is following the sun . Her question then was , ' Does your bloom follow the SON ? ' This made a profound statement to me . Am I following the SON 24 / 7 ? Or do I just turn my face in His direction when I need something ? Do I forget that I should be looking in His direction as I sit at my desk and work ? Do I forget that I should be looking in His direction as I pump gas ? I 'm afraid the answer to both those questions and others is yes , I do sometimes forget . Then we talked about whether we were sunflowers or african violets . The sunflower can grow most anywere , has a sturdy stalk , doesn 't need much water and produces hundreds and hundreds of seeds . The african violet is picky about the soil , the amount of water , and the handling - - she called it persnickety . Am I producing seeds or am I just sitting waiting to be pampered ? Please Lord let me be a sunflower ! What kind of flower are you ? Are you blooming where you are planted ? Does your face follow the SON ? Hope you are having a great Thursday . Do something silly . Make someone smile . I don 't know about you , but I 'm sick of all the presidential campaigning on TV . I don 't know if it gets worse as I get older or if I just notice it more . I 'm worried about the directions we are taking as a country , but we 've just had millions of dollars spent on campaigns , and we don 't even get to pick the winner . If you want my vote , then it should count . That was the way it was in high school . If it was time to vote for the student council president , you cast your vote , it was counted and the person with the most votes won . Isn 't that the American way ? Since the delegates and super - delegates know how we should have voted , and since it 's their votes that count , why did we waste all the money on primaries . Wouldn 't it have been cheaper to go online and do a vote there . Let the computer tally the votes . Either that or have all the primaries on one day , eliminate all but the top two of each party , and then continue . I 'm not sure that if the voters had only had McClain and Huckabee from the beginning , the outcome might have been a different one . I can 't even remember any of the others in the democratic primaries . Now that we have the two delegates , why do we need conventions ? To lay out platforms ? I don 't really think so , and truth be told , you don 't either . The candidates can lay out planks for their respective platforms all day and it doesn 't amount to a hill of spit . Once in office , they are going to do what they are told , smile , shake a few hands and lie . I 'm a registered democrat ( don 't hold that against me ) , I think probably because my parents were . But my dad always voted a split ticket . Maybe that wasn 't a good thing , but he voted for who he thought was best for the job . Unfortunately , in the last presidential election , I felt I was voting for the one who was the lesser of the two evils . And that is probably what I 'll do this time . I can 't promise I 'll vote democratic , I can 't promise I 'll vote republican , I can 't even promise I 'll vote . Neither will I watch either of the conventions . Needless to say , I 'm quite Posted by What do you think of when you hear the word commitment ? I usually think of the plan my daughters have for me soon . Daughter # 1 talks about my commitment quite often . Usually , it 's when I do something stupid - which is pretty regularly . I mentioned that I have started a new diet and along with that comes commitment . And I have to ask myself just how committed am I to this new adventure . I do pretty good in theory , but in practice is where I fall down . I think about all those good nutritious meals I 'm going to make for myself , then at the last minute , throw something together that although may be healthy , doesn 't satisfy my palate . Last night as I was eating my fairly tasteless meal , I got to thinking about some of the other commitments I 've made in my life and how that 's working for me . I made a commitment to be a Christian that hasn 't been that easy at times to keep on keeping on . It has gotten easier as I 've gotten older , but I wonder if that 's because there just aren 't the same temptations to an old lady as there were to a young woman . I made a commitment to two marriages that have also failed . I won 't go into details of those here , but thought I was giving both all I had at the time . I made a commitment to three children when I brought them into the world , and certainly had failings in that . Fortunately , they all survived , and seem pretty well adjusted . I made a commitment to get my education at 40 , and accomplished that , and have worked for the last 14 years in that field . Then there have been too many lesser commitments to even mention . Sewing projects that have fallen by the wayside . Diets that have come and gone . Exercise programs that started and finished in the same day . So , am I a non - commital type of person ? Why am I this way ? Why do I not finish so many of the things I start ? What about you ? Do you make commitments that you don 't take to the finish line ? Have a great Tuesday . Do something silly . Make someone smile . The days pass quickly when you are busy at work , and then busy at home . My 11 month old granddaughter has been sleeping in the room with my computer , so posting is difficult when she 's here . Her mom and dad have been on a much needed and deserved vacation , so I 've had the little one since last Tuesday . I can 't possibly tell you how much fun she is , but she is a lot of work , and now that she 's gone home , it 's awfully quiet around here . Maybe I can get back to posting on a regular basis . I know you have missed me , and I even got one email asking if I 'm ok . Yes , I 'm ok , thank you IzzyBeth for asking . I plan to get back to regular posting . I 'm also attempting to start a new diet . Pray that I can stay on it and lose at least half of me . I think many of my ' medical complaints ' would magically disappear if I 'd lose some weight and get back on some sort of exercise program . Last year , I participated in an exercise program at work . Some of the students needed guinea pigs for part of their grade . We worked with an exercise student who put us through our paces , three times a week . I didn 't lose a lot of weight , but I felt so much better than I did and do now . I hate it when the experts are right about feeling better with exercise . I 'm by nature a couch potato and love to do nothing . That has to stop ! I 've got to start moving or I won 't be around to post any more . Do you exercise ? If not , why not ? I need to know . Hope you have had a great Monday . I hope you did something silly . I hope you made someone smile . |
YESTERDAY MORNING I received an email from my ex - girlfriend Alana . I hadn 't heard from Alana in eight months , since the day we broke up , and I was certain , though I no longer gave it much thought , that I would never hear from her again . Yet there was her name and email address in the From field of a new email , and beneath that , in the Subject field , a single word : " request . " Unfortunately yesterday was also the day that I was to complete and deliver a proposal on behalf of my employer , Paws for Love . Basically we 're competing with a rival group , Furry Friends , for a five - year grant to run a national animal therapy program for the ASPCA . It 's an all - or - nothing proposition . If we win the grant , we triple in size ; if we lose , we love everything . When I clicked on my inbox and saw Alana 's name , I had not yet finalized our proposal , specifically the charts and graphs . In fact the charts and graphs were nothing but empty boxes , placeholders , and so given that the proposal was due to be delivered by five o ' clock this day , it was imperative that I leave for work as soon as possible and not dillydally over Alana 's email . I remember thinking this at the time . I remember telling myself that I should leave the email until the evening , when I would be free to study it at my leisure , to read it fifty times if I wanted , but for now it was best to leave it unread . Best meaning safest . For it struck me that I had no way of knowing what Alana had written and thus no way of knowing how I might react to what she had written . This was no idle concern . Alana could have written anything ; her request could have been a request for me to kill myself . It probably wasn 't but whatever it was , it wasn 't likely to be good and could very well send me off the rails , as they say . You simply cannot risk it , I told myself , and then I reminded myself what would happen if we lose the grant , what it would mean to my colleagues , many of whom have families to support . People are counting on you , I kept repeating in my head . People are counting on you and you cannot let them down . And then of course I went ahead and read Alana 's email , as I knew I would and as I would do again in the same circumstance - or any other circumstance for that matter . However before reading Alana 's email , I locked the door to my room and closed and locked both windows , pulling down the shades . Looking back this seems a bit much , particularly the windows . Oddly I have no idea why I locked them . Was I concerned that someone might climb through the window of my third - floor bedroom and interrupt me as I read my ex - girlfriend 's email ? Really it was like a dream in the way that dreams often proceed according to some unassailable logic which then vanishes on waking , so that all you 're left with is an intense but inexplicable mishmash . Actually Alana didn 't say that she appreciated my thoughtfulness but rather my apparent thoughtfulness . The implication being that it was not thoughtfulness that had motivated me to congratulate her but rather something that merely resembled thoughtfulness : pseudo - thoughtfulness . The implication being - because I know Alana , I know what she 's saying between the lines - that I had used this pseudo - thoughtfulness to disguise my true intentions , which were anything but thoughtful . Alana was saying that she had seen through my pseudo - thoughtful gesture to what lay beneath it and that she felt sickened by what she had found . I had not changed . In her naiveté , she had come to believe that I had changed , only now it was clear that I was incapable of change . This is what Alana meant by referring to my apparent thoughtfulness . She meant that I was incapable of change and that I had fooled her , or that she had fooled herself , for the very last time . Finally she had opened her eyes and could see what had been plain to everyone else from the beginning . I did not love her . I could not love her . I was incapable of loving her or anyone , yet she had refused to see this . For three years she had clung to a certain idea of who I was , of what our relationship was , and had lived as if this idea were true when nothing could have been further from the truth . As I had often said to her , we point away from the truth , we know the truth but point in the opposite direction because deep down we don 't want to look at the truth , we don 't want to face it . How many times had I said these very words to her ? How many times had I described exactly what was happening between us without her ever realizing that what I was saying applied directly to our relationship , to my supposed love for her . This is what Alana was getting at with the phrase " apparent thoughtfulness . " She was saying that she could finally see that our relationship had been built on nothing but lies , and that as a result she would give anything to go back to the begiI hadn 't expected this . Maybe I should have but I hadn 't . I went into the bathroom and brushed my teeth , then flossed , then shaved . I always do these things in the same order . It 's a little routine I have . One of many such routines . Basically I don 't like to think about what to do , I don 't like to get to the bathroom and ask myself if maybe I should brush my teeth or floss or shave or what I should do , I don 't like to occupy my mind with these kinds of questions . So over time I 've developed little routines that I follow without really thinking about them , I just get to the bathroom and open the cupboard and take the toothpaste from the cupboard and close the cupboard and unscrew the cap to the toothpaste and place the cap in a certain corner of the basin where it won 't be in too much danger of falling into the sink and rolling down the drain , and then I take my toothbrush from the toothbrush holder and spread a certain approximate amount of toothpaste on the toothbrush , and so on and so forth , until I 've done everything that needs to be done on this particular visit to the bathroom , at which point I head to the kitchen and begin my kitchen routine . So yesterday morning after reading Alana 's email , I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and flossed and shaved and then , because this is the next thing I always do , I took a shower , during which time I washed myself in a certain proscribed order , as always , and then , having washed myself , I got down on my knees in the shower and began to weep . I think it was because of the water ; I mean the sound of it , the noise . The way I thought of it , this sound granted me a certain degree of privacy . So long as I didn 't cry too loudly , so long as I didn 't wail , the sound of the falling water would drown me out . Although it occurs to me now that the water may have sounded much louder from inside the water , as it were , than it sounded to someone at a distance , namely my roommate . However , for better or worse , I didn 't think of this at the time and instead just let myself cry . I 'm not sure how long I cried for . All I know is that at a certain point I told myself that enough was enough and that I needed to complete my bathroom routine so I could leave for work and get started on those charts and graphs . Doubtless I should have turned off the water at the conclusion of my shower routine , but instead I allowed myself to cry , holding my face in my hands as the steaming water poured down my back . In my defense this was likely my last chance to cry until evening and so I indulged myself for a bit . But only for a bit . Then I stood , washed my face and turned off the water . On arriving at work , I started immediately on the first chart . Charts are not that difficult , I 've done plenty of charts and have never had a problem with them . This chart was no different . But then at a certain point , something suddenly made me think of Alana , I can 't recall now what it was . Most likely it wasn 't anything important . Because when a person is inside you , any thought can lead to that person . So you can be debating whether to align a column of text to the right or left and suddenly remember the way she parted her hair , or the slant of her handwriting . You can 't avoid doing this . You can 't put a box around your thoughts of the person and say that you won 't go in the box . Even to say that you won 't go in the box is to go in the box . Although there is no box , there are just these things you feel , in spite of yourself . Or maybe it 's the other way around . Maybe it 's in spite of yourself that you try to avoid a box that isn 't a box so much as a feeling . I don 't know . It 's exhausting to even think about these things . I stopped working on the chart and went to the men 's room , bringing along a pen and a piece of scrap paper . I keep scrap paper on my desk in one of the slots of a little plastic file sorter . Each sheet is one - quarter the size of an eight and a half by eleven sheet of notepad paper . I cut it this way , using a paper cutter . I mention this only to say that it was a small piece of paper . At first I reached for a regular sheet of notepad paper , but then I thought better of it and chose the scrap paper . Indeed it was as though I understood what was to happen before it happened . Actually that 's wrong . It 's the kind of thought one thinks after the fact , when everything seems to have been fated . It 's an illusion of perspective . When a story begins at the end , everything that follows leads to that end , including things that would not otherwise appear to be leading there , or leading anywhere for that matter . I walked into the stall , locked the door behind me and sat on the toilet . Actually before I sat on the toilet I pulled down my pants and briefs , despite the fact that I didn 't truly need to do this . That is I didn 't need to piss or shit , I just needed a private place to write . In fact at first I sat on the lid of the toilet with my pants up , but then it struck me that if someone came into the restroom needing to use the toilet , he would naturally peak under the stall to see if it was occupied . I know I do this , I check to see if there any shoes where you would expect shoes to be . So putting myself in the place of this person , the next potential stall - user , I realized that he might very well notice , when looking for my shoes , that my pants weren 't rolled down , in which case he would be apt to wonder what I was doing with my pants rolled up , and he might even complain that I was using the one and only stall in that restroom for a purpose other than that for which it was intended . Hence I rolled down my pants . Everything has an explanation . Although there is a difference between an explanation and a justification . The difference is that a justification must be supported by what philosophers refer to as " true beliefs . " Thus Romeo had only an explanation for drinking the poison , not a justification , because Juliet was not really dead when he drank it , she only appeared to be dead . Romeo 's decision to kill himself was based on a false belief and therefore cannot be justified , only explained . By contrast Juliet , believing correctly that Romeo was dead , may have had a justification for stabbing herself ; it depends on other things , such as whether one is ever justified in stabbing oneself , dead lover or not . Alana taught me this . Alana taught me many things . Sitting on the toilet with my pants down , I scribbled part of a letter to her , holding the scrap paper against my thigh . As I wrote , my handwriting became smaller and smaller so that at the bottom of the flip side you can barely read what 's written there , the letters are so tiny . This is what it says : There are no songs sung from my perspective . All the songs are sung by you . All the songs are about this person who promised me everything , who could have loved me , should have loved me , but didn 't . Or did , then didn 't . Which is worse , isn 't it - to love and then not love . Because to not love means to have never loved , it means to go back and do a kind of global replace , love becoming bullshit . In the beginning I would listen to the radio , flipping through the stations , searching for a song that spoke to what I felt . I never found it . Instead what I found , again and again , was you singing to me in the guise of a broken - hearted pop star . It was as though the entire music industry had conspired to torture me with recriminations . I finally gave up that search , but you can 't escape from music ; if nothing else you 're forced to hear it through the windows of passing cars . The worst was the treacle they play at the gym . To drown it out I brought along my iPod and listened to The Clash while lifting weights . It worked until Train in Vain . I had forgotten about Train in Vain . I 'm not asking for sympathy . I got exactly what I deserved . And anyway what song was I hoping to find ? It Hurts to Know I Hurt You ? Sounds a bit like a Hank Williams title , except I doubt that Hank Williams would have sung such a thing . Certainly it wouldn 't have earned him any fans or sold any records . After all , who cares about the schmuck who walked away from love ? Back at my desk I finished the first chart , then showed it to my boss , who suggested a few minor changes . As I leaving he asked how long it was going to take to finish the remaining charts and graphs - clearly he was nervous that we weren 't going to make the deadline - so I said that barring some unforeseen disaster , we had twice as much time as needed . This was the wrong thing to say because my boss then asked what sort of disaster I was referring to , so I pointed out that an unforeseen disaster is by definition the very thing one cannot anticipate . My boss responded by closing his eyes and holding an invisible gun to his head . A few days after we broke up I removed your photograph from the little plastic frame on my desk and filed it in my Alana folder . I couldn 't bear to look at it anymore . I 'm sure you remember the photo . It 's the one where you stand before the ruins of a castle , the one with the jacket with all the buttons . For perhaps a day I left the empty frame on my desk , but then this seemed even worse , even more depressing , so I stuck the frame in a box in the closet . A few months later , while searching for something else , I came upon the frame again . I had forgotten about it . Seeing it there , it didn 't seem right that I had saved it , because of course the reason I saved it was so I could use it again . I was anticipating my next relationship , my next girlfriend . This convinced me to throw it out , and I even went so far as to stick it in the trash , but then that seemed wrong as well , a kind of betrayal of you , of your memory - to discard , or attempt to discard , your absence . So I fished it out of the trash and put it back on my desk . That 's where it is now and where it will remain until I think of a better place for it . Actually I rather like it there . It makes me think of how men of learning used to keep human skulls on their desks to remind themselves of their mortality . The empty frame serves a similar purpose . Naturally there are times I want to throw it out or hide it , as I did before - it 's ugly . In desperation I once put your photograph back inside it . But that only lasted a few minutes . For it turns out that the photograph , a photograph I have always loved , is now a lie . The truth being no photograph . The truth being empty frame . While writing this I forced myself to form the letters in my natural size . I considered this time a reward for finishing the charts so promptly , however I feared overdoing it , which is why I made myself write natural - size letters and why I brought along only one sheet of paper , because without these constraints I knew I might remain in that stall the entire afternoon . Of course I shouldn 't have gone into the stall to begin with , whatever size letters I wrote and whatever size paper I wrote them on . But at the time & 8230 ; Well I was about to say that I was distraught and couldn 't help myself , but that , I know , would never get past Alana . Alana would insist that one always has a choice about one 's actions , that one can never point to one 's feelings and say that it was their fault , that they made me do it . Which is true , Alana is right of course , I shouldn 't have gone into the stall at any point , and so my reasons for doing so are merely an explanation of what I did , not a justification , because there is no justification . As I left the stall I thought of something else to tell Alana , so I took a paper towel from the paper towel dispenser and scribbled down the words , " Bubo . Didn 't fuck . God 's love . " Then I headed back to my desk . However as I passed conference room , I noticed the video monitor in the far corner , which made me remember something else , something important , so I hurried back to the restroom . Before entering the stall I grabbed three paper towels from the paper towel dispenser . Paper towels , I soon learned , are not the best thing to write on . This is particularly true if you 're using the kind of pen I was using , the kind that bleeds from the tip . Because of this , the paper towel tends to soak up an excessive amount of ink , so you have to make the letters absurdly large to prevent them from blending together and becoming illegible . Basically you have to write like a child , that 's what it looks like , like a child 's handwriting . And of course you can 't fit many words of that size onto a single paper towel . Thus I had to keep getting up to get more paper towels , which meant repeatedly pulling up my briefs and pants and going outside the stall and then returning to the stall and pulling down my pants and briefs again - a operation that soon became tiresome , particularly since I was trying to write as fast as I could so I could return to my desk and get started on the graphs . In retrospect I should have take a larger number of paper towels per trip . At the time , though , I couldn 't allow myself to do this , because I wanted to believe , each time , that I was only going to need a few more paper towels to finish the job . I shudder to think how long I would have continued in this fashion had my boss not appeared in the restroom . I was standing by the paper towel dispenser , holding three fresh paper towels , when I heard him - or heard someone , because I didn 't yet know that it was him - open the outer door . Our restroom has two doors , an outer and an inner . I believe the inner is there so that a person passing in the hall will not inadvertently see someone peeing . In this case it granted me just enough time to scramble back into the stall , where I had left two stacks of paper towels in plain view . While my boss peed , I sat on the toilet , pants down , waiting for him to finish . However I soon became curious who it was , I suppose I had a hunch , so I peaked under the stall and saw my boss 's shoes . I wouldn 't have known that I knew what kind of shoes he wears , but I recognized them immediately . He wears the kind of shoes that are really gussied up sneakers , although they resemble dress shoes from a distance . Seeing his shoes I realized immediately what I had to do , I had to start working on the graphs . So as soon as my boss left the restroom , I wrote a few more sentences , just enough to complete my previous thought , and put the cap back on the pen . This , in sum , is I wrote in that stall : Last week I watched a television program I am too embarrassed to even tell you the name of , but watch it I did , because I was curious about the actress who plays the female lead . I had heard about her and had seen a few photos and so I knew who she was when I saw her - this was in Sears , I was in Sears and I noticed her face on a bank of television sets . Seeing her face in various sizes and resolutions , I decided to stop for a moment - a moment that soon dragged into an hour because there really was something captivating about her , or about the character she played on the show - a character who I thought of as her , because I don 't think you can act like that without the character being somewhat reflective of who you are in real life . While walking home I fantasized that I had met her in a car wash , although I don 't , as you know , own a car . Everything in the fantasy was how it really is , except that I owned a car and didn 't know that the carwash woman was a famous actress . So in my innocence I asked her to go candlepin bowling with me , because in the fantasy we had been talking about bowling and she had been saying that she preferred candlepin over regular . I don 't know how we started talking about bowling , or how we started talking at all . Instead the fantasy begins in the middle of the conversation after a certain rapport had been established . Anyway , she said that she couldn 't go candlepin bowling with me because a lot of bowlers would ask for her autograph or want to take photos with her , and that while people were usually considerate about it , it still wasn 't worth the hassle . I thought she was kidding . In fact I thought she was flirting with me , so I said that we didn 't need to bowl in a bowling alley , that we could simply do what I did as a kid , which was to use dixie cups as pins , knocking them over with a tennis ball . She laughed and said that she had used slurpee cups , having saved them for this purpose . Then suddenly it was years later and we were in the bathroom together , because now we were living together and I suppose were married , and she was at the sink and I was sitting on the toilet seat and she was telling me some story , and in the middle of her story I realized that I didn 't love her as I once loved you . So I felt devastated because while I didn 't exactly leave you for her , it was like that in a sense , because when I left you , or when we broke up , I was hoping to eventually meet someone and now I had met her and we were together and all I could think of was you . You were the one I loved . I knew it at the time and yet I could not bring myself to love you . Which of course makes no sense and never will . Why is that ? I think it must be a failure in me , in my ability to understand myself . Because it happened . ItI don 't know how many paper towels it took me to write that . Probably fifty . Fifty may sound like a lot , but my handwriting was the size of a child 's . In any case I now had a problem : how to get the paper towels out of the restroom without being seen carrying them . After all they weren 't about to fit in my pockets . In the end I decided to hide them in the restroom and return later with my knapsack . But where could I hide them ? There were no cabinets or drawers or anything with any sort of compartment , save for the paper towel dispenser . Ah , the paper towel dispenser ! I quickly removed its remaining paper towels and jammed my batch into the slot , five or so at a time , then reinserted the unused stack . Problem solved . When I returned to my desk , I found a note on my chair : " Had a thought about the graphs , but you 've probably already finished them . No big deal , just a thought . " The note was from my boss and it was total bullshit . Or I shouldn 't call it bullshit , but it was not at all what he meant . What he meant was , " Where the fuck are you ? I expected those fucking graphs an hour ago . Do have any idea what fucking time it is ? " He couldn 't say any of this , so he said what he said . I had no choice but to go see him . My only hope was that he would be on the phone when I showed up . He wasn 't . Then I left . I won 't go into what we were really saying except to note that as we spoke I noticed that his hands , which were resting in his lap , were curled into fists . It 's a habit he has when he 's upset . This was the most upset I have ever seen him . Back yet again at my desk I began at last to work on the graphs . To put it mildly , things did not go well . It turns out that Excel automatically generates a legend for every graph you produce . You can easily delete this legend or customize it in various ways but you cannot move it outside the box that holds the graph to which it refers . I was not aware of this until yesterday . The only way to move the legend is to expand the box in which it and the graph are contained . However if you expand the box you also expand the graph . So if you want to move the legend but don 't want to expand the graph you are fucked . The reason I wanted to move the legend outside the box was so I could place two graphs side - by - side . These two graphs , I thought , could share the same legend , which I would center beneath them . You cannot do this . I tried . In fact I spent nearly an hour trying . It can 't be done . I considered many things and attempt many things , none of which worked . In the seventy - five pages of guidelines and instructions we received in advance of writing our grant proposal , the ASPCA made repeated reference to Acts of God . It did not define Acts of God but it did make clear that a proposal delivered after the deadline would not be accepted unless the agency in question could prove that the proposal 's timely submission had been delayed by an Act of God . Whatever the ASPCA meant by an Act of God , I was certain that the receipt of an unexpected email from the proposal writer 's ex - girlfriend would fall outside the scope of the definition . All of which is to say that I was in trouble . I did however have an idea , which was to switch to InDesign and produce the graphs there , building them from scratch . This approach would take considerable time but it would grant me control over the placement of the legends . It would have worked too had my InDesign skills been better . For the truth is , I don 't really know how to use this problem , I just bumble along and try different things until something works . So I gave it a shot for perhaps five minutes , recognized that it was hopeless and picked up the phone . The person I called is named Bubo . Actually that 's not her real name , her real name is Barbara . Alana dubbed Barbara Bubo . A bubo is an inflammatory swelling of the lymph gland in the groin . The Bubonic Plague was a plague of buboes . I had a sort of relationship with Bubo immediately before and after Alana and I broke up . I say " sort of " because we never slept together or kissed or held hands or did anything , really . I may have wanted to , I did want to , but I never did . Then I stopped calling her and she stopped calling me , or maybe it was the other way around , it 's sometimes difficult to tell , and that was that , it was a " sort of " relationship . This happened eight months ago . The reason I called Bubo yesterday is that she 's a graphic designer and is the only person I know who knows InDesign . I called to ask for her help . However I didn 't want to make that too obvious , so I decided to pretend that it was a social call , that I had been thinking of her and was wondering how she was doing , and then , after a certain rapport had been established , I would casually ask if she happened to know how to create a graph in InDesign . I had considered calling Bubo many times over the last six months or so . In fact on several occasions I had gone so far as to pick up the phone and begin to dial her number . However I never dialed the entire number because I didn 't really want to talk to her . Or I did want to , I just didn 't want to want to . Philosophers refer to this as a second - order desire : the desire to desire something , or the desire to not desire something . It 's one of the things that sets us apart from other animals . Alana taught me this . Had I been an ape , I would have called Bubo many times . Not being an ape , I managed to resist the temptation . Bubo seemed delighted to hear from me . She me told a story about a guy she knows whose apartment is furnished entirely with milk crates . He has forty - seven milk crates in all , she counted them herself . I asked her to have tea with me , I 'm not sure why , I suppose I got a little carried away with my playacting . I don 't really want to have tea with Bubo . Or rather , I don 't want to want to . I asked Bubo about the graphs and she told me how to do them , simple as that . I don 't think she suspected anything . After hanging up I went back to InDesign . Bubo 's advice was tremendously helpful , although the first graph still took almost a half hour to complete ; it was painstaking work . " Solved , " I said , and then showed him the graph . I did my best to project a certain relaxed though by no means lackadaisical confidence . " We 're going to beat the bastards " I tried suggest by my manner . " They 've haven 't a chance against us . Look at the kind of graphs we produce . " In truth I was certain that the bastards had already submitted their proposal , while I had perhaps an hour and fifteen minutes to churn out five more graphs . Fortunately I was able to use the finished graph as a template for the others . I also relaxed my standards , figuring that no one was going to measure the graphs to see if a particular segment did indeed encompass the indicated percentage of the overall area . So long as it looked plausible I considered it done . At about three - forty , which is when I finished the fourth graph , I realized that I was going to make it with time to spare . I suppose I got a little cocky then , for I started in on another section of the letter to Alana , writing this one on my computer . I worked on the graphs for a bit , then wrote a few sentences to Alana , then switched back , keeping one eye on the clock . After completing the final graph and importing it into the main document , I sent the document to print , and while it was printing I worked on the letter . There wasn 't enough time to finish this section , so I printed what I had and stashed it in my knapsack . This is what I wrote : I never fucked Bubo . I know you think I did . The one night she stayed over , I slept on the couch . Had I cared for her enough , it would have happened I suppose and perhaps we 'd be together today as ridiculous as that seems . Did I mention how young she is ? She 's young . Looking back I see that I used her . I wanted out and she was a way out . When I was a kid I believed that if god existed , he knew everything I thought and felt and did and yet he loved me . Not that I ever believed in god , not even then . Still , that was my model of love : complete knowledge , complete acceptance . I don 't know why I wanted out . I don 't think I knew at the time . Was it because you didn 't love me in the impossible way I wanted . Was it because I didn 't love you in that way ? Once the proposal finished printing , I grabbed my jacket and knapsack and went to say goodbye to my boss , who thankfully was on the phone . I held up the proposal for him to see and waved goodbye . Then I hurried to the restroom to retrieve the paper towels . Unfortunately someone was peeing when I arrived so I went into the stall and pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet . The moment the peer left I stood and pulled up my pants but then immediately pulled them back down again , having heard the outer door swing open . This happened twice more . All this time I considered leaving , but I was concerned what would happen if the cleaning guy happened to pick this night to refill the paper towel dispenser . On the other hand I couldn 't delay any longer , for it was now four - twenty , which gave me no cushion if the trains were running slow . So I left the paper towels behind , figuring I would return for them after dropping off the proposal . Luckily a train was pulling in just as I arrived at the station . This gave me back my cushion . I sat down and started yet another section to the letter . As crazy as this sounds I became so immersed in what I was writing that I missed my stop . I didn 't realize this until I heard the automated conductor announce the subsequent stop . There was nothing I could do . I stood at the door waiting for it to open . As the train pulled into the station I glanced across the tracks to see how many people were standing on the opposite platform . There seemed to be a lot , which was a very good sign : a train would arrive soon . The moment the door opened I bolted up the stairs and down the other side . At the end of the tunnel , I could see the light of an oncoming train . Everything was going to be okay . As I stepped onto the train I noticed a man standing against the door at the back of the car , balancing himself in the corner . This man , who in every other respect appeared to be perfectly normal , was wearing a pair of blue pajama - type pants , the sort of pants one wears in the hospital , and he was also wearing , if one can use that word in this context , a white , newly - laundered straight - jacket . He was standing in the corner hugging himself beneath the straight - jacket and struggling to maintain his balance . I stood clutching a pole , wondering how the man had managed to swipe his subway card at the turnstile . Then the train door opened and I ran straight for the stairs . When I reached the street I kept running , holding my knapsack under my arm . The ASPCA office was just three blocks from the station . When I arrived , sweaty and breathless , the clock on the wall said four - fifty - four . I had made it by six minutes . On the train back to work I wanted desperately to continue the letter to Alana but the car was packed and I didn 't get a seat . All I managed to do was scribble three words on the side of my left hand : " Fantasy . Gun . Comfort . " The office was empty when I returned . I left my boss a message at his home , letting him know that everything had gone well . " Our Furry Friends won 't know what hit them , " I said . Then I hurried to the restroom . The outer door was propped open by a bucket and the cleaning guy 's supply cart was blocking the doorway . There was nothing I could do . I went inside . The cleaning guy was standing by the sink , reading my letter , which was in two piles before him - a read pile presumably and an unread pile . " I honestly don 't know . What I did was wrong . People have to dry their hands . I would never want anyone to have to walk around with wet hands . " " Sir , I received a correspondence this morning from my ex - girlfriend . It has affected me very much . These paper towels are part of a letter I 've been writing to her . I wonder if you would be kind enough to return them to me . " Sometimes it doesn 't seem right that my life has continued . Sometimes I think it would be better if I were to quit my job and sell my things and leave . But where would I go ? And what would I do there ? Sometimes I imagine myself in Albuquerque . I don 't know why Albuquerque . I 've never been to Albuquerque . But for some reason I imagine myself there . I live in a boarding house and work at night as a security guard . Often I read . There 's a certain wisdom to killing off most of the important characters at the end of a story , because that way you know it 's over . Losing you has felt like a death but it hasn 't felt over . I go on . It doesn 't seem right . I don 't do this anymore , but for months I had a recurring fantasy that you had kept the key to my apartment and had come into my room while I was at work . So I walk in and put my knapsack on the bed and then I see you there sitting in the green chair . You have a gun in your hand . Of course I know that you would never do these things ( this is me speaking now , not me in the fantasy ) , but in the fantasy it makes perfect sense . And as strange as it seems , I 'm totally calm , as though I had been waiting for it happen . " It would be better if I did it myself , because that way you 're in the clear , assuming you don 't plan to kill yourself as well , in which case it doesn 't matter who kills me , because either way I 'm dead . Unless of course it means a lot to you to pull the trigger . Although I should point out that even if I end up doing it , it 's going to be difficult for you to explain how that happened given that you 're the one who brought the gun . Unless you plan to claim it 's my gun , which I don 't think would be wise . The police are pretty good at tracing these things and anyway you would have to explain how you had come to be here on the day I ended up killing myself . Of course you could say that you had come to talk with me and that I had became increasingly distraught until I finally pulled out the gun and shot myself . People do such things . But like I say , everything rests on the origin of the gun , which is not in your favor . On the other hand there are a lot of things I don 't know , and needless to say it 's your decision . " That 's where the fantasy ends . Writing this now I begin to understand . Because after we broke up I remember feeling that the worst thing was that you were out there somewhere suffering , but that I couldn 't comfort you because I was the one who had made you suffer . My friends grimace when they hear me say things that make it seem like I 'm guilt - ridden . I 'm not guilt - ridden . Or I am guilt - ridden I suppose , but as much as I am I 'm also incredibly frustrated . I want to go after the fucker who did this to you so I can come back and tell you it 's okay now , that you have nothing to worry about , that he will never hurt you again . I cried while writing the last part . As a result these annoying little tear stains appeared on my glasses . I tried to wipe them off with the back of my tie , but that only made it worse . Normally I would have gone to the restroom and washed my glasses in the sink , only I 'd prefer to avoid the cleaning guy for awhile . So instead I transferred what I had written onto a floppy disk and left the office . Your face as you slept . Your brown chair . Your walk seen from behind . Your voice on my answering machine . Your breasts . Your mangling of expressions . Your sleepy eyes . Your tears in the airport . Your tears in bed . Your sock collection . Your glasses next to mine on the night table . Your so - called filing system . Your fragility . Your toughness . Your favorite earrings , the Turkish ones . Your drawing of a tree - one leaf . Your literary examples . Your self - respect . Your heart , always your heart . Wherever I go , you are with me . Your sentence construction . Your kiss . Your irrational rationality . Your poetry . Your stories during sex . Your decency . Your face as you slept . " When I arrived home , I made myself a peanut butter and banana sandwich - I hadn 't eaten all day , not even breakfast . Then I sat at my computer and typed all the pieces of the letter into one document . They didn 't really fit together , the pieces . It 's a mishmash . As I typed I was tempted to change things , in particular to remove the unflattering parts . Only this seemed so false . Why lie ? Plus there was the question of which parts were the unflattering parts . In any case the more I thought about it , the more convinced I became that it didn 't matter what I cut or didn 't cut , that Alana would react the same way regardless , assuming she even read the letter , which I doubted she would . Not that I blame her . Never would I blame her for this . If anything I applaud her for it . As her friend , and I was once her dearest friend - perhaps to her shame now , but it 's true - I know she does this for herself and that it 's the right thing for her to do . The only thing , really . At first I numbered the sections but then immediately removed the numbers because they made the letter resemble an essay . Instead I placed a single centered asterisk between each section , typed the words " Dear Alana " at the top of the document and " Love , Michael " at the bottom , and then saved the file , naming it , simply , " Letter . " Finally I logged into Apple Mail and pasted the file into a new email . Many times in the past eight months , when sending emails to friends , I would notice Alana 's name at the top of my list of email addresses . Seeing her name there , I would often resolve to delete it - what was I saving it for ? - but never could I bring myself to do this . Clearly I held onto the address in the hope that I might one day use it again . I deleted the email and returned to my word processing program . From there I printed the letter and filed it in my Alana folder . With all the others . You see , there are a lot of un - mailed letters in that folder . I write them now and then . When I write them I always believe I 'm going to send them , it would be impossible to write them otherwise , but never do I send them . You can 't really send letters like this . It is a sad story , yes , but what can you do ? You can do nothing , as it happens , so that is what I did , I did nothing . I turned out the light . I saw a policeman on the bus today . He had a puppet with him . They sat together in one of the side - facing seats toward the back , having a quiet conversation . The puppet appeared to be made of wood . He wore a policeman 's uniform with a little policeman 's hat . When he talked , his mouth opened very far . I noticed that his lips , which were bright red , had been painted on his face . At first I couldn 't hear what the policeman and the puppet were saying , so I moved to a seat across from them and pretended to be reading a book . It turned out that they were discussing a little boy who had gotten lost at a party . In the middle of the party , the boy 's parents realized that they hadn 't seen the boy in some time . They looked everywhere and called his name over and over , to no avail . Then all their friends joined in , but they couldn 't find the boy either , so eventually the parents were forced to call the police . The officer who came was the puppet . He said that he felt bad for the family , who were terribly upset about their missing boy . Everyone was . He said that there was a chocolate cake on the table that looked delicious but that no one was eating any because of how upset they were . The policeman shook his head and said that everyone probably wanted to eat the cake even more than usual but were stopping themselves because of the boy 's disappearance . " It would have looked like they were celebrating , " he said . There was once a boy - me , in fact - who had an inflatable grandmother . She wasn 't my real grandmother . My real grandmother was a regular , non - inflatable person who got cancer and died . And then my grandfather , who had Alzheimer 's , came to believe that his wife had run away with another man in the building , who also got cancer and died . I 'm not sure if I 'm explaining this right . The other man really did die from cancer , just like my grandmother , and no one ran away with anyone . But for some reason my grandfather believed otherwise , and it broke his heart . My father tried to convince him of the truth , but he wouldn 't listen . So it was then that my father came up with the idea to replace my grandmother with an inflatable doll . Of course I didn 't understand any of this at the time because I was just a boy . Instead I pieced it together later , and my father filled in the gaps . All I knew at the time was that whenever we visited my grandfather , there would be an inflatable doll sitting on the couch and that I was supposed to call the doll Bubbie . I remember sitting in my father 's car in the parking lot of my grandfather 's building and having my father explain that Pop - Pop was really confused and that he missed Bubbie so much that he now had a doll that he thought of as her . He asked me to play along and say hello to the doll and call her Bubbie , and I said I would . After that we had a regular visit . We sat around eating danish like we always did , and talking about whatever we talked about , and sometimes my grandfather would direct comments to the doll , so we all turned to the doll to see what it would say , but of course it never said anything . We had about a half dozen visits like this , and then one time we came and my grandmother … I mean the doll … wasn 't there . She was usually propped up on the couch . So I said , " Where 's Bubbie ? " and my grandfather said she wasn 't feeling well and was still in bed . So I went to the bedroom to say hello , like I was supposed to do , and there I saw this terrible thing . She , it , was in bed , on her side of the bed , completely deflated . M : About six . Anyway , it 's weird because it was actually kind of upsetting . I had come to think of the doll as my grandmother . I knew it wasn 't a living thing , and I knew that my grandfather was crazy , but I had gotten used to the doll being in the place of my grandmother , who I missed terribly , and now the doll was deflated . I didn 't know if she , it , the doll had a tear that could be repaired , or if her … what do you call it ? The place where you blow her up ? M . I didn 't know if that rubber cap thing had come off , and I didn 't think it was proper to look , the same way that I never would have looked under my real grandmother 's garments . I wouldn 't have done that even if I had found her dead . It was really strange because as I stood there , I was hit with this wave of pretend sadness . Or maybe it was real sadness . Anyway , I didn 't tell anybody what I 'd seen , and then we left , and then my grandfather was put in a nursing home for people with dementia . The end . K sleeps with Seymour almost every night . She leans into him , wedging him into the crook of her arm and resting her chin on top of his head . If Seymour were a real monkey he would quickly suffocate from this . Indeed there 's no better way to suffocate a monkey than what K does to Seymour . Seymour 's head is bigger than the rest of him . Wrapped in finely - woven terry cloth , it 's firm without being too firm to sleep on . Miraculously ( a word I do not use lightly ) Seymour 's head doesn 't smell . None of him does , although he has spent more than ten thousand nights ( I did the math ) jammed into K 's armpit and has never been washed . It 's like the miracle of Hanukkah . The only time K sleeps without Seymour is when she 's away . She says she does this because he 's too big to bring anywhere , but I don 't think that 's the real reason . I think it 's embarrassment . I think it 's the idea of a forty - two year - old woman who can 't sleep a single night without her stuffed monkey . A confession : Sometimes , when K is away , I sleep with Seymour . I use the same method as K . It 's a nearly prone position , which normally hurts my back , but with Seymour 's head propping me up , I wake without pain . Also , when K 's at home and I happen to get into bed before her , I sometimes hide Seymour under my body . Often K doesn 't realize he 's missing until she 's about to turn off the light , at which point she 'll sidle up to me in a manner indicating affection , or perhaps even desire , but then suddenly go for the monkey , crying , " Seymour is mine ! My mommy gave him to me ! " When I asked K what people should know about Seymour , she said , " That I love him . " I love him too , in my way . He 's a survivor . His paw pads are the worst . Seymour 's brand name was Corky , doubtless because his hind legs are stuffed with tiny bits of cork . Unfortunately his hind paw pads are prone to small tears through which the cork slowly leaks . In recent years K switched from dental floss to duct tape and then finally gave up and wrapped Seymour 's leakier paw in a piece of fabric cut from an old sheet . The paw still leaks but the fabric contains the cork . Eventually K intends to cut open Seymour 's paw pads and remove all the cork . This will solve the problem but at the price of eliminating the squishy crunchiness of Seymour 's hind legs . Such is life , I suppose . You do what you can , until you can do no more . And in the best case , you succeed in bringing some comfort and joy to others , even if your own smile is permanently sewn to your face . Recently I 've been having experiences I think of as blanks . Yesterday , for example , I stood outside our apartment waiting for K to join me , and while waiting I realized that I couldn 't remember leaving the apartment . I could remembered being about to leave , but I couldn 't remember leaving . Nonetheless I must have left , I thought , because here I am at the top of the stairs . How else could I have gotten here if not by leaving ? It 's like the way films are cut . In one shot a woman gets into a car ; in the next shot , the next moment , she arrives at her destination . We 're not shown what happened between the two shots because it 's obvious . Films are constructed so that everything obvious is left out . The viewer fills in the blanks . It 's the middle of the night and K is making whimpering sounds . I 'm lying on my side and she 's behind me , spooning me . I don 't know how long she 's been doing this , but what finally wakes me is the way she 's shaking . I turn to hold her . She 's sobbing now . I ask her to tell me what happened . She says that her father came to visit and that we were sitting in the living room talking and having a nice time , when suddenly he said he had to go . " You mean back home , " she said , and he said , " No , dear , I have to go back underground . " This prompts more crying , and I hold her . In time she turns for a tissue , saying , " I 'm getting better at this , " meaning better at blowing her nose when she cries . Nose blowing is my influence . I sometimes think it all still lives in me , everything I 've seen and experienced . When I think this way , I see myself as a field in which things grow and die , each taking root in soil fed by what came before . In this way everything connects back to the first thing , which in a sense still remains . It remains in what remains . Sometimes I watch my fingers as I type . They seem to move on their own . It happens faster than I can will it . For some time now , they 've been still . It 's as though they 're thinking . They think and act , think and act . I sit and watch and wait . Then , suddenly , a burst of activity . They have things to do , places to be , such busyness . This is followed by stillness . A long stillness this time . A still more considered stillness . Drawn out . It 's a kind of brooding . I lift my fingers from the keys . For a sentence they move without me . For the last five minutes I 've been looking at the clouds . I can never remember the names of clouds , but these are the high , wispy kind , the kind that resemble vapors . Yesterday B stood at my window and said that the clouds ( the big fluffy kind ) looked like the clouds on the Simpsons . I 've been sitting here considering B 's remark . It seemed very telling when she said it , but now I don 't think so . Nature is a mirror for our minds , the same as everything else , and B 's mind is immersed in popular culture . It would be silly to expect her to look at the clouds and see buffalos , or whatever people saw in the clouds ten thousand years ago . Also I was wrong to say that the mailbox is on fire . What 's on fire , rather , are its contents . I know this because smoke is spewing out of the mail slot . Just now a woman came out of the beauty parlor and poured a small jar of water through the slot . This didn 't appear to have any effect , most likely because the act of opening and closing the mail slot fanned the flames inside . Now she 's run back into the beauty parlor , presumably to get more water . Ah , and now a small crowd has gathered around the smoking mailbox . They 're talking intently and shaking their heads . One man just pointed down 5th Avenue . At the culprit ? Did he see who did this ? I 'm tempted to go over and ask , but I 'd rather not give up my seat on the bench , which is comfortable and sunny . Several times a woman has come out of Guerrilla Coffee to remark on what 's happening across the street . She 's terribly affected and keeps saying that this is a violation of our social contract . It 's true enough but it doesn 't become more true through repetition . I sense she needs an audience for her anguish . She stands in the middle of the sidewalk and looks at the sky ( is she addressing the clouds ? ) , saying what a sin this is and how only a psychopath could , etc . Then she retreats into the coffee shop . |
Chapter Twenty One The trip back to Mountain Ridge was quiet . Lisa had been sedated . Dorothy felt as sad as her mother . She was too plain ; her uncle , new aunt and new cousins were too elegant . Though she knew those two girls had done their best to be nice , they were still ashamed of these hick relatives . Dorothy had noticed the awkward glances around the restaurant to see who might be looking . At least she didn 't think anyone had ever told those girls that she was born with a tail . They dropped Vonnie off at Almasy House . " My goodness the place is still standing , " Vonnie said trying to sound cheerful . " I was afraid it would fall down without me here . " Her car stood in the driveway . She would get home to her farm later that day or if Almasy House needed her she would stay . This trip to Jack 's wedding had been her first vacation since she took the job of managing the restored house . " Huh . They took one look at us , at our cheap clothes and run down shoes , and they didn 't want us there . Dorothy 's a freak . If you can 't see that you 're the only one . " Bobby Kowalski had been on the road driving an 18 wheeler since five a . m . He had stopped in a bar in Pembine , Wisconsin where he drank more than he intended . The bartender , a pretty brunette , took him home , but tossed him out a few hours later . She said her husband would be home in an hour or two . He bought himself a cup of coffee , ham and eggs at a bus stop down the road and then decided to keep driving . The law said he couldn 't drive this rig more than ten hours in a 24 hour stretch . He was over that , but his bosses didn 't care . They liked it when he brought a load in early . He looked at his watch . He would be in Mountain Ridge by 5 p . m . Dylan 's reply was to burst into tears . Mary hurried over with a linen napkin and wiped his face . He finally blurted out the story . " Lisa got all upset . We had to leave right after it was over . " " I remember Lucinda Rinaldi Davies , " Mary said . " She was beautiful and nice . " " A bunch of lies if you ask me , " Emil huffed . After a minute , he said . " I don 't care if she 's a Martian . I always liked her dad and heard and saw good things about that girl . If you ask me , Jack Brianka marryied way above his station . " Mary turned to Dylan . " Too bad you didn 't get a half decent wife like Lucinda Davies , " she said . " What ever possessed you to marry that crazy woman ? " " Dylan , you have the worst luck with women . " Mary poured her dad and brother each a cup of coffee . " Just when I thought nothing could be worse than that Elaine demon , you came home and wanted to marry a crazy . " Mary was winding up to give her brother a large piece of her mind . " We warned you , brother , dear . " Emil hushed her . " You leave Dylan be . He 's made some bad choices . But now we have to figure out how to get this new one , this Lisa , out of the family . I 'll call a friend of mine . He 's a divorce lawyer . " " Good , we 'll have her put back in Newberry . If you ask me , she never should have gotten out . How did she get out ? " " We 'll take care of her . I raised three daughters . I can help you raise yours , " Emil decided . Mary had three children , two of them daughters . Dorothy would always have a home . Dylan kept shaking his head . " The Briankas will fight this and Lucinda 's a Brinaka now . That pits a lot of money and influence against us . " " They ain 't got nothing to say about you getting out of a rotten marriage , " Emil insisted . He was stirring himself up into a real anger . Dylan was his gentlest , kindest son and this woman was tearing him down . That would stop . " Lisa 'll use Dorothy . She already told me that . I can 't leave her because then I 'll have to leave Dorothy . She calls Dorothy a freak , but if she has to , she 'll hang onto her . " A half hour later Dylan got in his car . He wiped his eyes and started the ignition . He hated his marriage , but he loved his daughter . He was already divorced once . He just couldn 't divorce another woman . As bad as Lisa could be , he would stay with her . The snowbank to his right was so tall he could barely see over it . He backed out of the driveway . He heard the 18 wheeler put on its breaks . Metal screamed . In 1960 , candidate John F . Kennedy visited Mountain Ridge . He and his wife , Jacqueline , stayed at Almasy House . Vonnie was nervous . Everything had to be perfect . Lucinda came back to town to greet her old friend , Jacqueline Kennedy . She and Vonnie showed the elegant couple to their rooms . " I didn 't want to impose . They were guests here . Did you see that gorgeous suit Mrs . Kennedy was wearing ? I 'm a lifelong Democrat , " she declared . " I voted for FDR . " Penny opened the news paper and stuck it on top of her friends 's book . It was an article about the author John Byrnes . and there was a picture . " That 's my Uncle Jack , " Dorothy said . It didn 't take much digging to figure out who Dorothy 's Uncle Jack really was . The book copies he gave his family lacked pictures of the author , but if they had looked carefully at the autographs , they would have seen that John Byrnes , the best selling mystery writer was really Jack Brianka . Jack used connections he made in prison to get his stories . Some of his friends may have been mob guys , and it seems they fed him the stories he wrote . Usually I keep my secrets to myself , but it gave me some satisfaction to tell Dorothy . Her eyes popped out . She grinned . She likes John Byrnes novels ; she loves her uncle . Elaine finally got around to cleaning out Jeff 's papers . They sat in boxes in her closet for years . Then one day , she decided they had to go . She opened a box and started sorting the papers . She found a copy of Rose 's will and some of Jeff 's back tax filings . She found a letter from Louis Almasy , and she skimmed it . Something about his wife arranging a Ku Klux Klan attack ? Why would Rose do that ? Of course , Rose was a bigot . Everyone was . Elaine saw nothing of interest to her , and took the box to the curb the night before garbage pick up . She then went into the house , changed into a robe and slippers and fixed herself a cup of hot chocolate . She picked p a " TV Guide " and looked over the evening 's programs . " The Price is Right , " and " The Andy Griffith Show " and " I 've Got A Secret . " She was ready to turn on the set when she looked outside . A little girl on roller skates sat at the curb reading Jeff 's papers . Elaine got up and went outside . " You , Little Girl . Stop that . Put those papers down . " " Mountain Ridge , Michigan , December 21 , 1961 , Emil Mynter , age 79 , died at Memorial Hospital yesterday . He is survived by seven sons , three daughters , and by several grandchildren . " The will was read a week later . The savings accounts were placed in a family trust with Mary as President and Elsie as Vice President . The problem was that most of those accounts were kept secret to all except his two oldest daughters . Elsie disagreed . " The more people who know about Pa 's wealth , the more questions will be asked . We don 't want anyone to know he found that money . " Mary made coffee and as always she made it too strong . " Family members know he was wealthy . They 'll have questions anyway , and they will want to be included in the secrets . " I wondered if they had been talking about Lisa in front of Dylan . I would have to explain things anyway . Surely he had a radio and a television . He was sitting in his wheel chair paralyzed from the neck down . Dr . Tracie says he can talk if he wants to , but Dylan never says anything . He hasn 't talked in years . " I 'm sorry I haven 't been visiting you more , " I said . I brought him a bouquet of dandelions that I picked on the way to the hospital . Dorothy told me a long time ago he liked dandelions . Dandelions are like fathers , easily trampled , under appreciated . His eyes shifted toward me . I know he hears me because he looks at me and sometimes he looks away and he always looks sad . I know he blames Lisa Brianka for his condition . He isn 't the only one in town who blames her . That truck driver was on the road too many hours without a break . Dylan Mynter was just in the wrong place at the wrong time . He shouldn 't have pulled out so quickly with those huge snowbanks . " You 'll be glad to know that serial killer who menaced the area all those years ago is getting strapped to the electric chair next week . Miles went down to visit him . " I was making small talk now . I saw tears in his eyes , and I didn 't know how to interpret them . When Lisa was released , Vonnie and I went to the jailhouse . Jack wanted to come and wait in the car , but he agreed to wait for us at Almasy House . Lisa 's brother could be tossed back in prison . How much time would he get for violating a parole condition ? We were all surprised Jack had not already been arrested . Surely Miles knew he was here . Vonnie drove Lisa and me home . Danni made baked ham , gnocchi , garlic bread , and camomile tea . Lisa had noticeably lost weight while in jail , and she looked really wretched . Lisa didn 't answer . She just looked at Vonnie like she was remembering something too horrible to put into words . Lisa sat down and ate and ate . She had not been eating in jail . The food there is probably awful . And she must have been too afraid to eat anything . Yet when Danni had brought food to her cell , Danni says Lisa ate then . It just hadn 't been enough . " Thanks , " I said . Somehow I hoped I could escape back to Cheney farm house . But I knew someone would have to stay with Lisa , and we could not impose more on Danni . " What about me ? I need a sedative , " I joked . Danni didn 't seem to get it . She was in doctor mode and had lost her sense of humor . Anyway , I took the pills and thanked her . " I know the numbers . " I said . Almasy House Jack Brianka and Ben Fuller poured themselves drinks in the kitchen at Almasy House . Something had been making Ben uneasy since he first heard about the case . " What about that girl , Penny ? " " What about her ? " Jack poured himself more brandy . " Seems like she 's got more reason to dislike Lisa Brianka than anyone . Do you trust her ? " Jack shook her head . " Nobody trusts Penny . Sometimes I think she 's as crazy as Lisa is . " " What 's she doing here ? " " Working . She 's one the maids . " Penny Lisa was in bed ; the others had gone home . Channel Six had " Bonanza " reruns I turned on the television with the volume low . When the doorbell rang , I hurried to answer it . I didn 't want anything to wake Lisa up . She could be difficult to handle . Bev came in with a bottle of sloe gin . " Got any orange juice ? " she asked . I nodded and led the way to the kitchen . We poured ourselves generous portions of liquor . " How did you know I was still here ? " " I work at the Yorkie Cafe . I get all the news . " " How much of that news is true ? " That 's what I 'm here to find out . " She glanced at the television . " Little Joe is so cute . " She smiled at the Cartwrights on the television set . " Where is your cat ? " She sat down on the couch . I nodded toward the window sill where Thaddeus and Miss Kitty were napping . " Keep it down ; Lisa 's sleeping . " " So did she do it ? I sighed and considered for a minute . " She couldn 't have killed Little Louis ; she was locked in the outdoor john . " " Yeah , right . Does it make you nervous staying here ? " " I 've known Lisa a long time , " I said . " Have you ever seen her do anything violent ? " I shook the ice cubes in my glass . " You know better than to ask . " Lisa In the bedroom Lisa Brianka stood behind the door listening . Why was Penny still here ? She 'd cause trouble . Penny always caused trouble . She had to get rid of Penny . Chapter Twenty - Two Miles Miles knew he had to kill Lisa . It would be easier now that she had gotten out of his jail . At least getting away with it would be easier . How could he be expected to murder a prisoner in his own jail ? There would be too many questions . And he couldn 't keep her in jail . The evidence was too thin . She hadn 't committed that murder . Sonny had killed Little Louis . And Sonny threatened to talk ; it wouldn 't delay his execution , but it would put Miles in prison . Who knew what Sonny would say before they strapped him in ? Sonny wanted Lisa dead , and Miles had to kill her . The execution was days away . He had that hippie girl Penny to deal with too . If Penny Payton was going to be a problem , she could be easily dispensed with too . He knew what he had to do , and he had to do it quickly . Penny Bev went home after we had shared a few drinks , and watched the rest of " Bonanaza . " Lisa was in very rough state . I know being arrested for murder is scary , but something else seems to be troubling her . She walked into the kitchen where I was cleaning up . " They didn 't hurt you , did they ? " I asked . " What do you care ? " she asked . " I work for Vonnie , " I told her . " I get paid to care . " That answer seemed to satisfy her . Then she said , " There was a hanged man . " I didn 't say anything Id heard her talk about hanged men before . I knew it was all in her imagination . " In the jail cell with me . " " Lisa , I 'm pretty sure that you imagined the hanged man there . " " No . No . No . " She kept repeating it louder and louder each time until it became a scream . When she calmed down , I said , " Let 's see what 's on television , " I picked up the " TV Guide " and began thumbing through its pages . Lisa said , " I could kill somebody , you know . And get away with it . I 'm crazy . " She paused . " You remember that the next time you talk about me . " Almasy House The next morning Ben F " Why was your mother 's funeral at Almasy House ? " " Maybe Mrs . Almasy felt guilty . We didn 't see much of her . And anyway that was when her husband killed himself right there in the house . " " Were you there then when he killed himself ? " " We heard the shot . Then there was a big commotion . We didn 't see much . Someone told us to stay in our rooms . We were locked in and scared . Lisa had tried to crawl in my mother 's coffin . " " So Rose Almasy takes in three little children . " " We were just here until after our mother was buried . And for awhile after that . Something about making arrangements to take us to the orphanage . The Catholic orphanage didn 't want us . We were Jews . " " From what I 've heard old Rose was no philanthropist , except for the Catholic Church . And if she hated Jews so much , why did she take in three little Jewish kids even if it was for just a few days or a week ? " Jack shrugged . " I stopped trying to figure out people in this town a long time ago . " Louisiana State Prison Sonny 's time was limited . He knew his extensions were running out . Even if he gave them a few more locations of missing bodies , it wouldn 't get him more time . And he didn 't have that many more to give them . " Get the warden in , " he called to the guard outside his cell . " Don 't worry . He 's gonna come and see you again before you fry . " The guard , a kid barely out of his teens with a pimply face and a scare crow skinny body smiled through yellow teeth . " I got a confession to make . " " Okay . Okay . " the kid moved away too slowly . " Tell ' em to get that Michigan sheriff up here too . He 's gonna need to hear this . " Sonny grinned to himself . Should he give Miles a warning . The asshole was probably buying a ticket to Argentina right now . Of course , Ole Miles there in Michigan had an easier action he could take . How difficult could it be to kill Lisa Brianka and that nosey girl , Penny ? Penny Sonny 's execution was two days away . Like most of the rest of the town , I was keeping up wiPosted by Vonnie stopped to see how Lisa was doing getting her new house ready . She knew Lisa didn 't like to be alone . She didn 't like being with Dylan either . He had taken an extra job loading trucks to make extra money to pay his dad back for the house . " Those are Dylan 's cookies . They make me nauseous . I can 't believe I 'm gaining weight . I 've been sick every morning . " Vonnie had been half listening as she made a tray of crackers , cheese and cucumber slices . Then she looked at her sister . " Honey , when is the last time you had a period ? " Vonnie took the job at Almasy House . She wasn 't sure how much money Dylan and Lisa had . They had just purchased a house with Emil 's help . Now there was a baby on the way . Could Lisa care for a baby by herself ? She had been good with little Louis until … Vonnie thought about her son often , but always with great sorrow . She never discussed what happened with anyone , not even Walt . Lisa had not been with any small children since that awful day . Vonnie could never predict Lisa 's reaction to anything . She had no doubt Dylan would make a great father . She just hoped he could manage Lisa and a baby . She would need to hire maids for Almasy House . Lisa could do some of that work . It would be extra money for her and for Dylan . Maybe if Lisa kept busy , she wouldn 't be so difficult to get along with . The restored Almasy house would need a nursery . Some of the people who stayed there would have children , so a playroom would be ideal She could add a few cribs . She must ask Jack about the wisdom of adding facilities for children . Would the new owners allow that ? Even though Vonnie had been guaranteed full autonomy , she still liked to check her decisions ; so she did that by calling Jack . The bed and breakfast wouldn 't be just for vacationing couples ? Weren 't lots of people having children now ? She had read an article about something called the Baby Boom in one of the women 's magazines . Vonnie walked the hallways of Almasy House . She checked on all the work and was disappointed that no secret passages were found and no treasure . She found an ancient desk in one of the rooms . An old timer who was assisting the carpenters said , it had been Rose Almasy 's desk . Vonnie cleaned it herself and had it brought to her new office . She would have a kitchen and a bedroom there at the house . She chose the suite that had once belonged to Rose Almasy . The old woman had died in those rooms , but Vonnie had no fear of ghosts . " But you 'll be working long hours . Staying here will be like staying at a hotel , " Walt winked at her . Wherever Vonnie stayed , Walt would be staying too . Vonnie had already hired Walt as chief of maintenance . But Walt had become more than that . Maybe she could make Walt an assistant with a bigger salary . She had already increased Walt 's salary , and knew Walt was worth every penny . Some people in town now knew Walt was a woman and a special friend of Vonnie 's . They could only speculate how deep that friendship went . Vonnie was glad she didn 't always have to be so careful with pronouns anymore . Elaine is fifty - something now and she showed every year . Her hair is gray , her face lined ; her body carried too much weight . She frowned when she saw me . I wasn 't someone she 'd want to talk with . " What do you want ? " she asked . She sat on the stool beside me , grateful for a chance to take some of that weight off her legs . " Thought you 'd want to know . One of the reporters is asking about Jeff Hollander . " " Let him ask . You didn 't tell him to come see me , did you ? " " And he was ready to dump me , " Elaine said , " I knew that . I didn 't push him down those stairs though . I wasn 't there when - when it happened . " " Someone pushed him though . I saw his body ; it had been bashed in . It was like he 'd been hit several times with a heavy board or something . Who would do that ? I keep asking myself that . Why ? " " I don 't see Lucinda , " That part was true . I saw Jack , but if I ever mentioned Elaine he might throw me down the cellar stairs at Almasy House . " We don 't want the past drudged up , " I said . 1947 Lisa and Dylan 's baby was born in the middle of a snow storm . They had settled on Dr . Tracie and the hospital at the last minute , and that was partly because there was no way to get to Danni and the farm . Danni was married to Dennis now , and often out of reach in Michigan blizzards . Dylan wanted the baby born in a hospital . Huge mirrors hung above the delivery room table . A dozen stainless steel instruments offered mirror - like images . Lisa kept her eyes closed , but she did look up just as the baby slid out from under the hospital gown she wore . Lisa started screamed too . It wasn 't the pain even though that was bad enough . She had just given birth to a little devil . She wouldn 't hold the baby , a little girl she and Dylan had named Dorothy . " Take it away , I don 't want it , " she whined . " It 's devil . My dad had hooves and horns . " The nuns had told her this at the orphanage . She hadn 't believed them , but now her baby had a tail . " Does it have feet or hooves ? " she asked one of the nurses . Sometimes Lisa would be quiet for long periods . Once she screamed , " This is Emil 's fault . He raped me . " " I don 't know why she can 't care for a baby of her own . " Dylan wanted to care for his wife , but she was difficult . His family had talked to him about another divorce , but he couldn 't go through that again . " Lisa needs me , " he said . " She should never have had this baby . " Vonnie sat down heavily in the hospital waiting room and began crying . Dylan hated seeing a woman cry , and Vonnie was such a good person and so good with Lisa when she had her moods . " I 'll ask Lillain , " he said knowing his brother 's wife had only one child of her own and liked to care for youngsters . Marry and Elsie were always off on shopping trips to Detroit or more recently New York and Boston . Lillian took care of their children . " Pa could do it too . But Lisa doesn 't like my pa . " " No , " Vonnie said . " You imagined that . You were drugged . I remember how it was when I had Little Louis . The pain is so bad , you get confused . " " It 's because of Emil . He raped me that night . He 's the devil , and he raped me and his child was born with a tail . " Local civic groups were quick to want the restored Almasy House as a meeting place . Both the local Democrats and the local Republicans reserved rooms for monthly meetings . Vonnie agreed to accept an " I Like Ike " sticker , but said she would place it on her farm house door . She couldn 't take sides at Almasy House . But if anyone asked , she admitted that she did like Ike Eisenhower and would vote for him in November . The house was a remarkable success . Newlyweds honeymooned at Almasy House . Older couples and families vacationed . One large Detroit family reserved all the rooms one October for a huge family reunion . Wedding receptions and birthday parties dotted the calendar . Most nights and weekends local clubs of one type or another had meetings there . The Latter Day Saints even had church services there on Sunday . They were saving to build a church , but in the meanwhile , they used Almasy House . Vonnie had not guessed she would be so busy , but Walt was a big help . They seldom went to the farm anymore . Instead Dennis took care of the animals , and even rented Vonnie 's fields . Ike Eisenhower was in his first term of office when Dorothy started school . Almasy House was closer to the school than Dylan 's or Lillian 's house , so Dylan brought his wife to work in the mornings and brought Dorothy along . Vonnie would walk Dorothy to school because Lisa said she was busy . She wouldn 't even touch her daughter . Sometimes people ask me what happened to Dorothy . We used be close friends . If she went away , wouldn 't she tell me where she was going ? For Christmas that year Dylan bought his daughter a doll that was as big as she was . Dorothy named the doll Penny after the department store . He also bought his family a television set . " It 's like a radio , " the salesman said . " With a picture . " In the store , Lisa , Dorothy and Dylan watched as Hopalong Cassidy drew his pistols . Dorothy loved the horses that stood tied to a railing in the street . Lisa loved William Boyd , the actor who played Hopalong Cassidy . How she wished she had a beautiful husband like William Boyd instead of stupid Dylan . Dorothy clung to her daddy and watched with glee . " I like cowboys , " she said . Dylan loved seeing the awe on the faces of his wife and daughter . " What do you say ? Should we buy one ? " he asked his wife . " I 'll throw in the magazine absolutely free , " the salesman promised . Then to Lisa he said , " Loretta Young has her own show . Yes , siree . Every Sunday night . There 's all kinds of great movie stars on television now . Robert Montgomery has his own show and so do Jackie Gleason and Mickey Rooney . And my favorite is on every Monday . My wife and I never miss ' I Love Lucy . ' Lucille Ball is hilarious . Wait until you get a chance to watch . " He glanced down at Dorothy . " And you 'll like Roy Rogers , little lady . " She knew two channels , 5 and 11 came out of Green Bay , Wisconsin , and channel 6 came out of Marquette , Michigan . She would be able to get all three major networks , so they could watch almost anything listed in " TV Guide . " Most areas of the country weren 't that lucky . They might get one or two channels and one network . The first time she turned the television on , she got a test pattern . She knew that would go away at two p . m . when the stations started broadcasting . First there was local news and weather and a midget named Uncle Tom hosted a children 's program out of Marquette . Dylan thought one day he would drive Dorothy to Marquette , and she would be a guest on Uncle Tom 's program . Tom always had an audience of children in the studio with him , and the station advertised for kids to come down and be part of the show . Uncle Tom would interview the children . " She 'll embarrass us , " Lisa said . Television allowed Lisa to indulge in her crush on actor Jon Hall . Every weekday Channel 6 showed reruns of his television program , " Ramar of the Jungle . " It had been cancelled , but she could watch these reruns . She imagined life as Jon Hall 's wife . She would wear evening gowns every night , and she would have pretty children . Dorothy frightened her . She was such a plain looking child . What had Dr . Tracie done with that tail ? Real life scared Lisa . A father hung ; a nephew drowned ; a child born with a tail . Was Dorothy her punishment for not taking good enough care of Little Louis ? She still heard the child scream in her nightmares . But television was always great . Scary things always went away quickly . The scene changed ; commercials promised shiny hair like that of a Break girl and spotless appliances in the kitchen . Dorothy loved " The Mickey Mouse Club . " Lisa was sure she couldn 't stand to hear another one of those awful songs , and Dorothy marched around the house doing the show 's dances and singing the show 's songs . Lisa decided she had to find a way to turn off the set when that program was on . Dorothy hated school . The school lunches tasted crappy . She had no one to play with . The kids called her monkey because her mother had said she was born with a tail , and that story had circulated all over town . During winter months , students had to stay outside at recess time . Dorothy shivered and huddled in a corner of the building . The other kids played around her . No one invited her to join them . Then a new girl , Penelope Jane Payton moved to town . Penelope had scabs on both of knees that she sat and picked them in class . She had unruly brown hair , freckles and glasses that seemed almost too big for her face . Dorothy disliked meeting new people because it was only a matter of time before they found out she had a crazy mom , and that she had been born with a tail . She was sitting by herself at recess when Penelope came up to her . " So how was Oz ? " " I 'm Penny . I won 't offer you a penny for your thoughts . Most people don 't have interesting thoughts . Thoughts aren 't worth a penny . How much do you think your thoughts are worth ? " " What do you like to do ? " Penny asked . " We could go on the swings . No one else is on them now . " Penny was a talker . " You mean Edd Byrnes . " Dorothy laughed and said , Byrnes was the star of a hit television program , " 77 Sunset Strip , " and his trademark was the comb . He talked Kookie talk , calling all older men " dad " and he kept combing his hair . Lots of the little girls in their class loved Kookie . " Please come out , " Dorothy begged . Then she squeezed her body through the window and she was downstairs with Penny . " What are we doing here anyway ? " " You keep chumming with that one , and you 're going to get into trouble , girl . " Lisa scolded . " If she 's a shop lifter , you should stay away from her , " Dylan advised his daughter . A week later , Mary drove to her dad 's house to make sure he didn 't need anything . Something puzzled her . " Pa , remember that notebook . " " The one I keep my figures in . " It 's missing . I think someone took it " " That old notebook ain 't worth anything . You probably just misplaced it . " The next day Mary and Elsie bought safety deposit boxes and brought the remainder of Emil 's stash to the bank in grocery bags . Lisa went though the Sears catalog twice looking for a gift for Jack and his new bride . It was hard not knowing his fiancé . What were her tastes like ? Was she a poor waitress or doctor 's daughter ? Was she younger than Jack ? Probably , but how much younger ? Lisa knew nothing about Jacks fiancé , not even the girl 's name . " He said not to bring gifts , " Dylan reminded her . " We 're working class people with a daughter to support . That brother of yours is as rich as Rockefeller . " " I want to give him a wedding gift . " Lisa insisted . " He 's my brother . And he gave us a thousand dollars when we got married . " Detroit was 500 miles south , but not so far south that there would not be lots of ice and snow and cold . Lisa finished packing . Dylan gassed the car up and checked the tires . He then sipped coffee at the kitchen table . Vonnie brought over fresh baked items , fruit and coffee from Almasy House . " Walt 'll take care of things until we get back . " she said . " What a terrible time for a wedding , " Lisa said . " It is not a great time in the hotel business either , " Vonnie said . She now had just two regular boarders . " Too bad Walt can 't come with us , " Dylan said . He liked Walt and would have welcomed her company . " She doesn 't want to go . She thinks Jack will be too fancy for her . " " And we don 't know if Jack 's bride is ready to meet a queer . " Lisa said . " Lisa , we are just two people who love each other . " Vonnie smiled at her sister . " Surely you don 't think of me as a queer . " " Some people just don 't feel good about themselves . That 's why they say mean things to others . And Jack has invited Walt and me down to his home anytime . His wife won 't object . Jack told me that . " Dylan looked out that the snow piling up outside . " It 's a mean time to be driving anywhere , " he said . " But Dorothy won 't miss any school because of the December holidays . That 's a good thing . " " Not if we perish in a snow storm . " Lisa said . She did want to see her brother again , but why couldn 't he come north . A trip downstate was lots of work when she had a brat and a husband to care for . Dylan wasn 't worried . " I got matches , firewood , candles , and we 'll pack some extra food . We can wait it out if we need to . " Vonnie shook her head . " It won 't be as bad as all that . I look forward to getting away for awhile . We can do some shopping in Detroit . " " You can do some shopping . Dylan doesn 't have any money . " " That 'll just be more stuff to cart home , " Lisa said . " Do you know how much room a kid takes in a car ? We had to pack her clothes and toys . She 'll be whining the entire way unless we bring along that awful doll . " " She 's the only one who 'll play with me though . The other kids don 't like her either . She gets into trouble all the time . " " Well , don 't you get into trouble , " Vonnie said . " We can bring the doll if you want , " And anything else . Lisa , it won 't take that much room . Dorothy and I can play word games . We 'll make new words out of the letters in street signs . Michigan has such interesting place names . Kalamazoo and Ypsilanti . See what words we can make up out of those names . " When they got to the Detroit area , Vonnie read off directions , but Dylan managed to get lost anyway . They stopped at a tavern , and Vonnie called Jack . When she gave him the name of the tavern , he said he knew where it was . He would come and get them . Fifteen minutes latter , Vonnie looked up from her Coke . A beautiful woman stood in front of her . At first she didn 't recognize the woman or the two pretty young girls who stood beside her . Then Jack was standing there beaming . " I think you know my wife - to - be . This is Lucinda . " Vonnie frowned at her sister " We aren 't Jewish , honey . We aren 't anything . And I wouldn 't call anyone a queer . " Then she turned to her brother and his finance . " I wondered so many times what happened to you . " Dylan was uneasy in the fancy restaurant . He would have preferred a hamburger and beer in that bar where they had all met up . He knew his shoes were scuffed , his hair was self - cut . He just didn 't look like he belonged here . Dorothy squirmed in her seat . She couldn 't find anything on the menu that interested her and asked if she could have a cheeseburger and fries . The waiter said that the chef could prepare that for her . Dylan stared at his menu . He didn 't want to open his mouth and show his crooked teeth . He was not fancy and perfect like the people around him . The two teenage girls , Starr and Carol , could not look more different . Starr had her mother 's olive complexion , dark eyes and hair . She looked like Natalie Wood . Carol was blond and blue eyed more like Sandra Dee . But both girls were poised and dressed like teenage queens in satin slacks and cashmere sweaters with mink collars . " Yeah , " Dorothy said because she felt it was expected . Actually she hated school . " So what do you when you aren 't in school ? " Starr was trying to make conversation . Dorothy shook her head . She felt uncomfortable with these two girls who were both prettier than anyone at her school . She wished she could take these girls to school with her and show them off . See what pretty friends I have . They were sure a lot prettier than Penny Payton . Penny wasn 't pretty at all . Jack gave Lisa and Dylan a nice bedroom on the east side of his home . The mint green bedspread smelt like clean cotton . A bowl of apple cinnamon fragrance sat on the dresser . " I hope you don 't mind bedding down with Dorothy . " Jack said . " If not she could stay with one of the girls . " Lisa could hear Vonnie and Lucinda talking excitedly in the next room . The two women could not get caught up . They had so many things to tell each other . Jack was glad to make his niece happy in anyway he could . He told her where the television set was and that she could watch anything she liked . He closed the door . Dylan and Lisa listened to his footsteps retreat down the hallway . " I can 't believe he 's marrying her , " Lisa said . " She seems like a nice person , " Dylan said , " They 'll be happy . " Who could help liking Lucinda who had tried so hard to make them feel comfortable in that fancy restaurant . " Lisa , we don 't have anyplace to go . I 'm dead tired from driving all day , part of it in a blizzard . We can 't afford a hotel . Dorothy wants to watch ' Maverick . ' " " What do you care about your daughter ? The kids already make fun of her at school . Think what they 'll say when they find out her aunt is a black Negro . " " My brother 's lost his mind . And I won 't have anything to do with her or him . " She grabbed Dorothy by the wrist and pulled her so hard the child cried out . Lisa pushed her daughter so roughly that Dorothy fell to the floor . Lisa started hitting her husband . " Let me out of here . Let me out of here . " Jack tired to open the door , but he had to push . Dorothy had rolled away from the door after she fell , but Lisa tried to hold it shut . Jack pushed until he was in the room and then took his sister in his arms . He held her . " What 's the matter , Little One ? " he asked . She collapsed against him for a moment and then pushed him away . " I don 't want you to marry her . " " Hush now , baby . " Vonnie tried to comfort Lisa , who she knew she had neglected in her excitement over seeing Lucinda again . " The Klan 's coming , " Lisa said . Dorothy crouched in a corner . She rubbed the sore places on her wrist where her mother had grabbed her . When she looked up , she saw all those elegant people . Her aunt and her uncle and those pretty teenage girls who were supposed to be twins , but who looked so opposite , and yet both were as pretty as television stars . Beside them stood their mother , who was the most beautiful woman in the world . Then she looked at her sad faced , plain - clothed , simple parents . Why did her mother have to behave so horribly ? A doctor came and gave Lisa a sedative , Vonnie explained that the long drive and the excitement were just too much for Lisa . They should have come right to the house and rested instead of going to that restaurant , wonderful as it was . Lisa rested alone in the upstairs bedroom while guests came to celebrate the wedding of Lucinda Rinaldi and Jack Brianka . The couple had asked that no one bring gifts , but a few friends brought gifts ranging from new cook wear to silver tea pots . Lucinda thanked them . " Silly things . Jack promised my father he would never marry me . Father wanted me to be in high society . But it was never what I wanted . I wanted Jack . We deserve happiness , don 't you think ? " Chapter Nineteen The juke box played , " Come Rain or Come Shine " by Margaret Whiting . Yvonne Cheney finished putting her coins in the juke box and moved toward the bar where her coat lay draped over one of the stools . A fresh drink awaited her . The bar tender pointed to a man at the other end of the bar . He had redneck written on his sunburned face and calloused hands . He wore dark blue work pants , work shirt and black cowboy boots . Yvonne walked up to him and handed him the drink . " Thanks , but I 'm through for the night . " " What ? You aren 't even going to listen to the songs you just paid for ? " The voice was high pitched for a man ; a Peter Laurie voice . " Doesn 't mean I 'm going to drink while I listen . " " Why don 't we both listen ? " " So long as you know I 'm going home alone . " " Do you have a husband at home ? " " Maybe . " It was her turn to ask a question . " You just passing through ? " " Something like that . I have a renovation job . I 'm a carpenter . " " Tell me about it . " " This big old spooky house . It used to be a boarding house , house of ill repute , something like that . " " Almasy House ? You have to be kidding . " She took the drink he had purchased for her . " Tell me about it . " Before they said good night and went their separate ways , they exchanged names . " Walters . Lorretta Walters . Call me Walt . " Vonnie realized her mistake . " But you 're dressed like a man , and your hair is so short . " " I 'm a carpenter . They don 't hire many lady carpenters . If they think I 'm Walt , I have a better chance of getting a job and keeping it . " " Where are you staying ? " Vonnie asked . " My car . A hotel is pretty expensive . " " Come out to my farm . I 've got room . " " I thought you said you were going home alone . " " I thought you might be hitting on me . " " Who says I 'm not hitting on you ? " Lisa walked through the Brandt house . It was small ; she knew she wouldn 't get a mansion like the one the Rinaldis had lived in , but this house was dumpy . She wou " There might be bones . Treasure hunters go in there or used to go in there . " " So you don 't think there are bodies of murdered women down there . Maybe the work of a serial killer . " " Anything 's possible . I just never came across any bodies . I understand the sheriff sent a deputy down to look , and he didn 't find anything . " He paused . " I do remember what looked like manmade tunnel collapsed in one of Rose 's tunnels right after the priest came out with his crazy story . I didn 't think it was worth exploring what might be back there . Too dangerous . And it would be the law 's job , not mine . " " What about treasure ? " Jack asked . " That 's the thing we want to discourage . There ain 't any treasure down there and anyone going down looking is liable to get lost and die down there . " Emil was sure he himself had taken the whole stash . There were no other stashes . He had looked . He wasn 't sure who the jewelry and old coins he had taken out would belong to , but as far as he was concerned , they were his now . He wondered if he should go back down for one last look . No , he had explored the area close to the house . That 's where Rose kept her treasure . " Thank you for your time , " Jack said as he gathered his brief case and prepared to leave . " Please don 't tell anyone I was here . " " Don 't worry , " Emil said . But now he had a question . " About your sister ? " " Thank you so much for buying Lisa and Dylan that house down the way . I saw it , and it 's a great house . " " I would have liked for them to stay here , but Lisa … Well , we didn 't get along . I 'm sorry for any misunderstanding . " Jack didn 't know the details , but he knew Lisa well enough to know that if there had been a misunderstanding , it was probably her doing . He wasn 't sure what to say and settled for , " She 's had a rough time . " Vonnie stood on the sidewalk outside Almasy House . Painters applied fresh coats of paint ; ladders rested against the side of the house . Carpenters rushed here and there . Two men carrMary Ann Slavcheff Chapter Eighteen Lisa screamed . Vonnie reached for the phone ; the line was dead . " Someone must have cut the lines , " she lowered the dead phone . Lisa whirled toward the window as another hooded figure carrying a flashlight rushed by . Lucinda put her arm around Lisa and tried to quiet her , but Lisa screamed and punched Lucinda . " No , " Vonnie rushed to help Lucinda quiet the frightened girl . Another rock sailed through a window . A gruff voice came from outside . " You , Niggers , get out of there . " " No , " Lisa cried . " They ' 'll hang us if we go outside . " " Honey , no . Just be quiet . They 'll go away . " Lucinda smoothed Lisa 's hair . Lisa tried to push her away . " Hush , " Vonnie told her . Lisa whimpered and settled to the floor with the other two women holding her between them . Moments passed . Quiet . " Maybe they went away , " Lucinda whispered . They all heard a loud crash as a bottle with a lit rag sailed through the window nearest them . It landed at their feet . Lucinda and Vonnie each grabbed a rug and began slapping at the flames . Lisa cowered , too scared to move . More bottles crashed through the windows . The three women ran almost blindly to the door . It was the only place to go . They ran into the street . Their clothing was light and hardly thick enough to protect them from the cold night air . Their feet bare . They ran past hooded Klansmen who ignored them but tossed more bottles half filled with amber liquid and stuffed with rags that they had set afire . Explosions shook the night air . The women huddled at the far side of the street . " Lucinda , your beautiful house . " Vonnie didn 't know if she said it out loud or not . She thought of all the beautiful treasures still inside that house . Lucinda had pre packed only few things and sent them south . The women hovered in the shadows behind the line of white sheeted men . They didn 't know what else to do . Where could they go ? Lucinda 's and Vonnie 's cars were in the driveway close to the house . One of them was already burning . Lisa stoppedMary Ann Slavcheff I write about how to learn faster , easier better , but I also write about the books I read and my thoughts on everything from politics to cats . I am now writing my second novel and praying I find a publisher for the first novel . Please review my blog , and share it . I welcome feed back . Thank you . |
Ella smiled at the thought of the King avoiding Amelia . What had she said to drive him off so soon ? They ; d only had maybe two or three meals together thus far . " That 's all , Liam , " the King called out . " You can leave now . Do keep those women away from here , though . I can 't handle the lot of them . " Liam nodded and left the room , silently closing the door behind him . Ella found herself nervous at being alone with the King , until he was overcome by a coughing fit . She hadn 't heard of the King being sick , especially not with a bad cough . Forgetting her manners , she rushed to his side to support him as the cough racked his body and doubled the big man over . When it had finally subsided , he patted her hand on his shoulder and smiled at her . The king waved as though dismissing something . " Call me Albert , please . Your father was a dear friend of mine , many years ago . Did anyone ever tell you who you were named after ? " Ella shook her head . Come to think of it , that was a very good question . Ellandria wasn 't exactly a common name in the area , how had her father come up with it ? Amelia resisted the urge to cringe at the grating sound of the singsonged words . She slowly turned in her chair to look at the culprit . " Whatever do you mean , Altheus ? " " More like what she hasn 't done . " The fae answered , grinning that horrible , jagged - toothed grin of his . " Which would be gaining a private audience with the King to win his favor . " Amelia sniffed in disdain . " The King is weakening by the moment , his favor won 't matter much longer . Aside from that , he won 't grant an audience to anyone , not a private one anyway . " The fae smiled that revolting smile again , making her stomach feel uneasy at once . He really was a horrible creature , and if he hadn 't been so useful to her up to this point , she 'd certainly have had him killed by now for that crime alone . But he was useful , and seclusion was hard to find , and she was afraid of losing the fellow anyway . It was his magic that had re - sized Elle 's precious glass slippers , which her ridiculous mother had worn on her wedding day . Amelia needed to move up in the world again , and Altheus was the way she was going to do it . All she had to do was convince her dolt of a daughter to kill the prince mere days after they were wed . Timing was , of course , going to be the key in that mission . Priscilla was an impressionable girl , easily guided by anonymous whispers from the shadows . The timing would most certainly be the challenge . Nevertheless , it would work . It had to . She couldn 't stay as Hillshire 's Lady anymore . She needed something more , something bigger , something . . . . powerful . Philip slept far into the day and attributed that to the fact that he 'd been talking with Priscilla far into the night . She had proven more interesting than he 'd expected , having quite a calm personality when she was not around the other one - Anastasia was it ? They were like amplifiers of each other , each one feeding back the nothingness at less and less ignorable volumes . But when she was not with Anastasia , Priscilla could be herself , as she had been the night before . He 'd learned that she loved books , especially the love stories like Romeo and Juliet . When he 'd asked her why , finding it a particularly morose and macabre piece himself , she 'd simply said that it was her dream to be loved like that . He asked if she had ever been loved , suspecting after meeting the woman that her mother was not very giving in her affections toward her daughters . Priscilla had wept , telling him of her father and how much she missed him , how she resented her mother for killing him and everyone else for not believing her . She clung to him , with her head rested on his shoulder , and wept for her loss for a little while before they moved on to discuss other things . This morning , he was to take a walk with her and learn about her favorite things to see in a garden . Perhaps he 'd learn enough that this cruel fate which had robbed him of the woman he truly wanted , would not feel so cruel after all . Perhaps he could grow to like her , learn her interests and hobbies , and perhaps one day he would even love her . The dance ended slowly . Ella followed the prince 's footsteps as they slowed and then stilled completely . His face read uncertainty , confusion , and frustration , and her hopes were raised . She waited for a long minute , searching his eyes . " You 're the one I danced with , " he whispered . She nodded in response , having no words . She was so overjoyed that everything would be all right . He knew , and now he would set things straight . Ella waited , breathless as he stared at her for what seemed like forever . Why wasn 't he excited about the news ? Why wasn 't he rushing off with her in tow to speak to his emissary , to his father ? Why wasn 't he . . . doing anything ? " What problem ? " Her voice echoed in the room , and she recognized the frantic pitch of it . She was getting frustrated , losing control of her emotions . Her father had always cautioned her against allowing herself to be too volatile . In response , the prince only sighed and shook his head . " My promise was an official edict , taken down by the court scribe , set in the record books . I cannot possibly go against it . " He shook his head again . " I cannot marry you , because of the wording of my promise . My ability to rule the people when my father passes relies on my ability to keep my word . My promise was not to marry the girl I danced with . It was to marry the girl whose foot fit the custom - made shoe . " Ella studied his expression closely . He was hiding something from her . It was there , deep in his eyes , behind what he was saying to her , and in the set of his shoulders . " What aren 't you telling me ? " Suddenly he turned angry , his expression clouding as a veil dropped over his eyes . " Madam , if you are finished holding me hostage , there is important business I must attend to . I find that my future wife and I are in desperate need of some time to get to know each other . " With that , he left . He just walked to the door , opened it , and left , closing it behind him . Ella was left in the semi - dark of the unused room , completely stunned . What next ? Was she going to stand by for the rest of her life , watching her sister have the life that she should have had ? Did she even want the life she should have had if it meant being attached to a man who would not follow his heart 's deepest desires , would not use the power she knew he had to alter the conditions of his promise so that he could have what he wanted without jeopardizing the people 's opinion of him ? She was wrong . That was the simple fact . With that realization , a sob forced its way through her chest . The strangled sound echoed in the room , making her feel more alone than ever before . What would she do now ? How was she going to recover from this one ? Did she even want to recover ? With a heavy heart she left the room and made her way back to her own quarters . She would miss supper , probably be beaten for not being there to dance attendance on her about - to - be - royal half sister . At this point , she didn 't care . She felt as though her spirit were broken , her very soul shattered . She had been in love , and he . . . Ella barely made it to the bed before exhaustion claimed her . She lay on the bed , limbs skewed at odd angles , staring at the piece of sky she could see through the window . Her hopelessness nearly overwhelmed her . After a long while , her mind stopped racing in circles of questions , and she fell asleep . The shoe , the custom made glass shoe that could only have fit one foot in the entire world , fit on the wrong girl 's foot . Now he was locked into a promise he 'd carelessly worded . One that could not be taken back , not just because it was a promise written down in the records of the palace , but because the promise was made to the one man no one could legally break promises with . He couldn 't go back on his word , or alter it at all , because it was a promise made to his father . And a promise to the King was simply unbreakable . To go back on his word to his father would be to set a prescient that many would follow afterward , one of lying to the King and making promises with no intention of keeping them . The kingdom , one governed largely by the people 's own sense of honor , integrity , and self - respect , would fall apart . So how did he get out of this ? How did he marry the right girl ? Or , how did he marry the wrong one and not hate himself ? He glanced up when he heard a knock on the door of his study . He considered ignoring it , any of the staff would have entered following the knock unless bidden otherwise , and his father would have just walked in . That meant it was his guests - either one of the three he didn 't want to see , or the one he did want to see but shouldn 't . When whomever it was knocked a second time , he gave up with a low growl in the back of his throat . He really didn 't want to be interrupted right now , he needed to think , but it didn 't look like he had a choice . " Come in . " Ella sat up with a sigh . She didn 't want to talk about this , but godmother wasn 't going to allow her to avoid it . " I met him , Philip . I met him yesterday . " There was a long moment of silence as the fairy tried to understand what Ella was saying . Recognition hit , and then fury . " He 's just going to marry Priscilla ? " The fairy nodded , a little more calm . " Yes , a promise to the King . It cannot be broken , to do so would be to jeopardize the very principles the kingdom was built on . He has to keep that promise to the very word . " The fairy shrugged . " You never know . In the meantime , look out . Amelia may have a fairy after all , a rogue . I don 't know for sure , but there are rumors starting . I 'll let you know what I learn . " The fairy sighed . " When males of my kind lose their mate , particularly to a tragedy , they have a tendency to go rogue . Basically , fairies aren 't very good at keeping themselves balanced out . We all need someone to help balance us . Even I have someone who keeps me in check . Once a fairy finds a mate , they become the balancing force of each other . The only balancing force . The females can often go on and find a close friend to be a new balancer . But the males . . . they don 't normally do so well . Fortunately tragic accidents are infrequent among our people . Sometimes it does still happen . And when it does , the male usually goes rogue . " The marketing media ( Hallmark , etc ) seems to treat Mother 's day like it 's the end all and be all of holidays . It also seems to treat Father 's day and graduation season like they 're the same holiday and are of equal ( un ) importance . I don 't understand this . I mean , sure , graduation is a big deal . You survived school , you made it all the way through , you completed , and for some of the people in my age group that was a real struggle ! However , making it the same as or greater than Father 's day ? Sure , dads are harder to buy presents for ( how many times have we fallen back on the tool set or the tie or the " dad is great " coffee mug ? ) but that doesn 't make them any less important . And sure , they didn 't spend 20 hours in labor pushing you out after 9 months carrying you like an alien parasite in their bodies . But , they do a lot of other and still really important stuff . Dad stuff . My dad isn 't perfect . He became a dad way before he was actually ready to even be a grownup and he 's had to do a lot of learning along the way . But he 's a good dad , in that he 's always been there as a dad and he 's always done his best to do right by the family . Even in his worst moments , I know he was still just doing the best he knew how to do . My dad got our family through a lot . When I was really young , my parents and I moved to Indiana from California because Dad had been promised a job - that he didn 't have when he got there . For a little while , we were homeless , and he got us through it . Later on , when there were three kids instead of just me , a coworker got mad at my dad and threatened our family - he got us through that one too , praying and trusting God to provide a way out of danger 's path and then listening and seeing the path God provided . Through the years , I 've watched my dad work a lot of jobs where he was paid less than he deserved , worked harder than he deserved , and treated really poorly . He worked those jobs to take care of us . From Northern Harvest to Cintas , to painting fences for the school district , my dad has always done whatever he could to keep the family taken care of . He 's come home exhausted and dropped into bed only to wake up exhausted a few hours later so he can go out and work . He 's lived for months on end with a sleep schedule that consisted mostly of catnaps in the drivers ' seat of a limo . He 's worked through sickness , stress , extreme pain , all to make sure that no matter what we were taken care of . In the times when he didn 't have a job , he swallowed his pride and asked for help - something he probably never would have done for himself . He 's set his dreams aside , over and over again , because sometimes reaching them meant risking his ability to provide for us - and he just won 't do that . He 's taken jobs that were beneath him , and jobs that were way out of his comfort zone . Throughout my entire life , one of the reliable facts is that my dad works hard , and he does whatever it takes to take care of the family . Dad wasn 't the one in pain when I was born , but since the day he found out I was on the way I know he 's spent a lot of time worrying about and taking care of my mom and I - and all of my other siblings , as they came along . He 's sacrificed a lot , spent a lot of sleepless nights , probably put his health and his safety at serious risk , to make sure that we were provided for . And he wasn 't content with all of that . Even when he was working as a chauffeur , and he barely got ten minutes in a given hour to rest - much less sleep - he still did his best to be a present dad ; to show up at events , to help with homework , to be there for dinner . As a kid , it 's all stuff I didn 't see , how hard he was working and how hard he tried . But recently , as I look at what it takes for Dearest and I to run our company , I 'm beginning to recognize just how hard my dad really did work , the lengths he really did go to , the effort he put in - all to take care of us and try to be a good dad in the meantime . My dad 's not perfect . Nobody 's is . Even Dearest won 't be perfect as a dad . But just because Dad is out of the house more often , is too tired to play more often , and is WAY harder to buy gifts for , doesn 't mean that he 's not important . Graduation is awesome , but what you went through to finish high school is nowhere near what most dads go through to keep their families safe and cared for . I still don 't understand this song . Every time I think I 've figured out what it 's about , I hear another lyric that I can finally actually understand ( it takes a while to know what they 're saying ) and the whole thing flips again . Nevertheless , it 's stuck in my head . Especially the first verse . Just saw someone rant about how Christianity sucks because of the unaccepting and hateful behavior many Christians exhibit toward homosexuals . I 'd like to clarify , just in case that person can see my page , and for anyone else who agrees with that person . Christianity is not hateful or unaccepting . Christianity is loving . Religious self - righteousness is often hateful and unaccepting , but there is definitely a difference . Christianity is the practice of endeavoring to be like Christ . Christ loved everyone , even the people who live in sin . Homosexuality is a sin , according to the Bible and the teachings of Christ . However , Christ - and those who endeavor to be like him - would never be hateful or unaccepting of a person because of the choices they 've made . We , the Christians , don 't hate you . We are disappointed by your actions , but we understand that all have sinned and fallen short - meaning everyone , even and perhaps especially us . Understanding this , our disappointment does not affect our ability to love you as people , as beloved creations of God . Just like siblings can 't ever really hate each other - no matter how far off the right path one of them may go - we Christians can 't really hate you . It 's not in our DNA to hate . It 's not in our wiring , in our belief system . Our moral compass steers us the other way . And though we may sometimes struggle with this - for all have sinned - we struggle because we choose to endeavor to be like Christ . So though you , my friend , may have run into more than a few self - proclaimed Christians who were hateful and unaccepting of you because they did not agree with your lifestyle ; please understand that this does not mean Christianity is this way . Please do not allow your opinion of us to be jaded by those who are still learning what Jesus meant when he said " love your neighbor . " We , the Christians , love you . Our hearts are broken by your actions , but we love you anyway . Just as Jesus does . Fair warning : I have written and deleted this post many times . I want desperately to share what I am about to share with you , but I know that it will hurt some people - possibly many - who are close to me , people I care about deeply . This post is written in complete honesty of how I feel now , and remembrance of how I have felt in the past . It will not be pretty . My parents are coming up on their 24th anniversary this Friday - the same day as our first anniversary . Today , my mom wrote something on her blog about her relationship with my dad , and how it 's survived hell , and so on . She admitted to things that I knew all along , but never thought in a million years I 'd hear ( or see ) her own up to . Not that my mom is a bad person or that she 's irresponsible . Just that , in our family , the particularly icky parts of life tend to end up in a closet somewhere . Skeletons , if you will . " Our oldest daughter suffered the most . She felt responsible to protect the other kids from our insanity . She tried to be there for me and support me , but I was such a mess and I was going in the wrong direction . Her support just made the guilt worse . I blocked her out , it broke her heart . She lost control and spiraled down a path that led her to run away . I don 't blame her , I can 't . She is a beautiful and fiercely loyal young woman who would do anything for her family , but her family was falling apart . Who she was didn 't make sense anymore . She was lost , we had taken away the beacons in her life that held her safe and left her in the dark . She was only 16 . " I didn 't think she knew . Somehow , in all the crap , I thought she just didn 't notice . All this time , I 've been angry without even realizing it because I thought that she hadn 't even realized what that did to me . The divorce started with my dad 's anger problems . He 'd always had them , and they were steadily getting worse . One day , he scared the living crap out of me by punching a wall right next to my head , and that 's when mom called it quits . At least , that 's when she told me they were going to . At that point , I had already fallen in with the drama club crowd - which most people know is actually pretty bad association . I had to keep the divorce a secret from the kids , so it wouldn 't ruin their holiday season , and that only kept me from processing the anger and sometimes even despair that I was suddenly feeling . I took my feelings to my drama friends and - wouldn 't you know - they all had coping mechanisms already . Things like stealing , lying , and cigarettes . I don 't remember what order things happened in after that . I was already good at lying and though I couldn 't wrap my conscience around stealing , I enjoyed smoking more than I thought I would . It was a way to piss off my parents , to lash out at them for screwing up so bad and not getting the help they had needed so many years before - when I would stay up at night to make sure dad got home safe and end up listening to them fight . It was also a way to check out . Since the day the proverbial bomb hit , I 'd felt antsy and anxious . There was a hum , almost a buzz , that constantly riddled my body - my skin , my bones , my brain and organs , my whole body felt like I was the inside of one of those jumping beans and I wasn 't allowed to jump . I had to keep pretending everything was okay . Smoking shut the buzzing down , turned down the volume in my brain , and helped me feel something besides scared . I was never alone when I smoked , and I was never judged by those who stood in tight circles with me to ward off the cold . The bible club , the church , even my fellow academic all - stars may have left me . But the smokers didn 't . They couldn 't , after all . They needed to smoke . Better than just not leaving me alone , they let me talk . They let me say the same thing over and over , and they didn 't get on my case for using unsophisticated words , for stuttering , for sometimes just breaking down in tears . After all , we were all smokers ; we were all pretty screwed up . Christmas came and went and then the " Sometimes love just isn 't enough ; you kids aren 't the problem here " talk happened . Things started a steadily faster downward spiral . School was a hell I survived by throwing myself full force into the drama club , by smoking at every opportunity , and by forcing my emotions into the structure and order that poetry could provide . I latched on - leeched from , really - anyone who would just look me in the eye and listen to what I had to say and not tell me I was being overdramatic about the whole thing . Anyone who could hear my heart without telling me I was just seeking attention got my friendship . Which meant I went even farther into hanging out with all the wrong people . I became someone I didn 't recognize . I was angry , lonely , and hurt most of the time . I began hating God for letting this happen to my family , hating the church for doing nothing besides sitting back and judging with the occasional " We didn 't see you on Sunday " guilt trip . The rug was really pulled out from underneath me one day when I found a giant bottle of whiskey under the kitchen table . My mom raised me to believe firmly in not drinking . Alcohol was bad , drinking was a sin , and drinkers were evil people . So when I found that whiskey while babysitting , it really hit me hard . All the anger and hurt and resentment that had been piling up doubled and became a wave that just washed me away . I might as well have found cocaine , for the way it made me feel . I demanded an explanation from my mom and was unsatisfied with the one she gave . I felt betrayed . Up until that point , I had felt like my mom was my ally at home . Right then , I felt completely and utterly alone . My friends had abandoned me , God had abandoned me , and now this . I started drinking , just to spite them . I didn 't enjoy it except for the fact that it put a physical pain into my body and after all the emotional pain I just didn 't know how to cope . I realized shortly after that , that my mom wasn 't OK to be a mom anymore , and I took over as much as possibWhen I was a kid , my dad used to tell me the strangest things . Like that if I was walking with my mom , I had to walk on the outside of the sidewalk so if a car came up onto it I could push her out of the way . He impressed upon me at an early age that being the oldest means that I was supposed to take care of the family if anything ever happened to him or mom . Well , something happened . He wasn 't safe anymore , and mom wasn 't coherent enough to handle kids . I can 't count the times I tried to keep the kids away from mom while she was on the computer , or the times I took the baby away from dad because I was afraid he 'd get hurt , or the times I physically stood between my dad and one of the kids , or tried to redirect his anger onto me . I could handle it , I could handle him . They couldn 't . Any time my dad started showing signs of an oncoming storm , I 'd do something to make him blow up at me instead . It 's hard to believe all of that was only six months . It felt like forever . Then Easter came . On Friday I got in a fight with my dad and he lost his temper worse than ever before . He had finally broken me , finally shattered the little bit of strength I had and crushed the heart I was protecting . I couldn 't be strong for the kids anymore , and we were split up by people in the church so they could take care of us over the weekend while my mom was still out of town . My younger sister ended up with me , so I couldn 't process . I had to tape together the pieces of my strength and hope she couldn 't see the holes . I spent both nights on the couch silently screaming and crying into a pillow . I didn 't know what else to do . The buzz was gone , but inside was a deadness . On Sunday my mom came back , and we went to church because I promised her we would . It was Easter , after all . I was still angry and hurt and mostly shut down . I was afraid of going to the church , afraid of the people and their accusing , nosy stares , afraid that if I stopped hating God long enough to go to church , then I 'd end up too broken to move . But I went anyway . When we all got home , dad was there even though mom had promised she 'd kick him out . They told me they were going to try to work things out . I was disgusted . There 's no other word for it . My anger , my hurt , my increasing resentment , wouldn 't allow anything other than extreme disgust . The rest of my family had a good day hanging out together as if nothing had ever happened , as if I hadn 't ever had to hold the door to my room closed while my dad had punched the other side , and I stayed in my room because I couldn 't stand them . That pretty well sums up how the next year went . I was shoved back into the role of extreme lesser subordinate in the house that I 'd given up so much to hold together . Rules , standards , policies like ' in this house we go to church on Sundays ' were just suddenly there and I was forced to comply because I had nowhere else to go . Mom offered to find me somewhere else to live but couldn 't ever offer a place that wasn 't under the same rules I hated at her house . I spent a lot of time in my room because I was still too hurt and angry to laugh and play and pretend like nothing had ever happened - and that 's all everyone else wanted to do . They quickly forgot that I was the one protecting them all this time , making sure they finished homework and ate breakfast and didn 't ever end up bearing the brunt of dad 's outbursts . Sometimes I even thought they had forgotten I was there . Eventually my parents realized that I was a behavioral issue and that I needed to work things out with my dad , so the counseling started . It ended just as quick . At least , my attempts to cooperate did . The second their pastor demanded that I respect my dad simply because he was my dad , he lost me . I wan 't going to be a part of it anymore . One other person tried to help us , tried to get my parents to sit down and listen to what I had to say , but nothing changed so I could only guess that they just hadn 't listened . As my 18th birthday approached they sat down with me to talk about what life would be like and how the rules would change once I was an adult . As far as I was concerned , I already was an adult . I had pulled five children and two adults through hell without letting any of them get killed or kidnapped or even hit . But they still saw me as their kid , theirs to order around and control . Despite my resentment and my pain , I wanted desperately to be happy like everyone else was , so I tried . In return , I asked for a simple evidence that my dad would try too : I wanted him to read one specific book . If he would just read that book , I would take it as a sign that he was trying . And reading the book would give us something to talk about . In that time , that was all I wanted in the world , for him to just read that book . He didn 't . As soon as the school year was over I called a guy I 'd been talking to online and had him come get me . I moved 4 hours away , and when that didn 't work out well I moved back just two months later . At that point , I had no one . The voice on the other side of the phone I 'd vented to for so long wasn 't a friend anymore . The people at school couldn 't hide the fact that they thought I had made up the problems with my family for attention . I wasn 't smoking anymore . My drama friends had all graduated and gotten lives . The church was distant at best . I was , completely , alone . I couldn 't stand being in the same house with my father , who demanded respect he didn 't deserve and refused to even try to have a relationship with me - refused to even read a book . I found someone else who would move me to where he was and I came to Seattle . You 've heard the story from there . For the past five years , I 've waited , longing to hear someone admit that they knew what happened hurt me , that they knew it was gone about all wrong , and that they were sorry . For five years I 've waited , doubting the words would ever come , doubting anyone had even noticed my pain when they were all so busy noticing my poor choices . Now that my mom has admitted it , now that she 's pulled the skeleton into the light and said " this happened , and it wasn 't okay , " I just don 't know how to react . I 'm not angry anymore , I haven 't been for a long time . I 'm not mad at my parents because I know that they were just too young when they started off to be starting off and they didn 't have anyone to guide them . They did what they knew to do and even though it sucked it was still their best . All this time , I 've just been hurt and scared . Now that my mom has written that post , and admitted all the things I only suspected before , I don 't know how to feel . It 's a new perspective for me , and I 'm not sure how to handle it . But I 'm glad that I can finally talk about it . I 'm glad that I can finally say what I really thought and felt . I just wish I knew where to go from here . When hurt becomes such a big part of who you are , of what identifies you , it 's an odd sensation to have it suddenly be gone . As Michelle mentioned , some people - those who saw blogging as a networking opportunity - are beginning to feel that blogging is a dying form . In a way , I agree with them . The blog as the social network tool wasn 't as effective as some had hoped it would be . It was too hard to stay interesting , to keep up the face while still being intimate and reachable , and to optimize search engine results . For others , blogging is alive and well . Why ? Well , because instead of using a blog to try to promote our businesses , we just used it as a way to put our thoughts out there where people could see them without forcing those who aren 't interested to hear them . For me , blogging is a form of journalling . I can easily let my family and friends know what 's going on with me , what I 'm thinking , how life is going , without having to spend time on the phone scrambling for which bit of information to give them next . I can write something , look at it , edit out any unnecessary emotional crap ( I sometimes tend to wax depressive if it 's early enough in the morning or late enough at night ) , and then post it . It 's a way of telling everyone how things are doing in a coherent fashion . I don 't know that I could be as intimate with people in person as I am in my blog . There are a few exceptions to that , Dearest and his mom being two of them , my close friend Emma being another one . Aside from people who are close to me like that , I have a really hard time just sitting down and actually telling someone everything - and if I do get to the place where I can open up and start talking about personal stuff , I tend to venture way far into the " I didn 't really need or want to know that " zone . So I blog . I put my randomness , my craziness , the ways I 'm growing and the ways I still need to grow into this blog , and a few others , and it helps me . It helps me process , it helps me feel connected , and sometimes it helps me more than I can say to get things out of my head so I can cope . Well , it means that I work today ; which in turn means that I want to drink the whole pot of coffee because I 'm tired and could use the pep , and also that I will not do this because there isn 't a bathroom at work that 's easy to get to ( it 's in my boss ' house ) . Granted , the house is on the other side of the driveway , but with people coming in and things to be done , it 's just not all that comfortable for me to try to hold a whole pot of coffee in my bladder for an undetermined amount of time . Yes , I have tried . So I will start my day with my oatmeal and my cup of coffee . I will probably grab something small to tide me over until lunch - I always end up hungry two hours after I eat and on work days that 's a problem . I will sit at the desk at work and drink as little as possible until the last hour . I will hope that it is busy so that I am not bored , but since it is Monday it probably won 't be . This is a very big goal , especially when you consider that in " the entire house " I 'm including the hot tub room , which has not been cleaned since we finished moving in . There are still unpacked boxes in there . On the bright side , maybe I 'll find something I 've been looking for ! Then it 's on with my week : 6am connecting meeting in Federal Way , 10am new client meeting in Tacoma , 3pm new client meeting out on Bainbridge Island , and then a consultation or two . - all on Tuesday . Wednesday is multiple system setups for two companies we support in Puyallup - so we 'll be out doing our thing from 8Am to about 4 or 5 pm . Not sure what 's going on Thursday , so I 'll probably do a lot of cleaning then . Friday is our anniversary ( squee ! ) and then Saturday is work again . I am , as I find myself doing every time I have a job , looking forward to payday . I have all but $ 50 of my several hundred dollars allocated to other things - phone bill , for example . This time I will also get a gym membership , though , and probably a subscription to one of the bridal magazines I so frequently covet . People who care about me and support me - especially those who I haven 't spoken with in a long time . You guys know who you are , because today you showed up on my fb wall when I said that I was sad about something . I totally wasn 't even expecting that ! For me it was a sadness that hit me hard ( because I 've been excluded in my life a lot ) but was still only there long enough for me to post the status about it ( for the same reason ) . And you guys . . . well , I 'm a little bit humbled by how awesome it made me feel that you decided to say what you could to make me not be sad anymore . I really , really appreciate that , and I really appreciate you guys . Thanks : ) My wonderful , way smarter than me , patient husband . As frustrating as it may be at the time , he gets me and knows when it 's time to just ignore everything I say and do for a little while because I 'm being a little bit ridiculous . He knows me well , he knows how to get what he wants from me ( not a bad quality , considering that he usually just wants me to behave just a little more logically ) and even after I have a conniption fit over something stupid he still loves me . He may not always understand me - and this is usually because I am female and all spaghetti brained and whatnot - but he does almost always try . He 's so good to me , and I probably don 't deserve him , but he 's mine now and I 'm not giving him back ! ( lol ) Along with my husband being awesome and so dang loveable , he 's got the best aspect of the gay best friend every girl wants : He instinctively knows what is going to make me look and feel really good . He 's helped me pick out all the clothes I 've bought since the first day I moved in with him and he 's ALWAYS been right ! Not only right , but super super considerate as well . For example , when we bought my wedding dress last year , he thought of the fact that my arms may break out ( I have eczema or something , not sure exactly what it is but it 's ugly ) - so he found me a shawl to wear over my arms . How freaking considerate is that ? I can also use the shawl as a scarf ( as I did in this picture from later in the evening during our wedding ) and I do so whenever possible . It reminds me of how much I 'm loved , and how awesome he is . Additionally , he recently bought me an over - jacket thing for my normal outfits and when I was discussing with him what to wear to our anniversary this year he pointed out that said jacket would go perfectly with my dress from our wedding . He was right . As always . That last one brings me to this next one . I am so very grateful for the way that we did our wedding . We worked within our means , did a small wedding in our living room , bought a dress that wasn 't super duper expensive , used plain bands that we already owned , and had pizza and ice cream cake . Benefits of this : We didn 't go into debt from our wedding , which means that when hard times hit we didn 't argue over " If you hadn 't spent $ 75000 on your dress ! " type of things This is Ryan Trost . I met him in 8th grade when my mom and I were at a National Honor Society thing and she pointed him out . She went up to him , introduced us , and told him that he looked really nice in his shirt and tie and that he looked like a really smart kid . I don 't know what drew my mother to Ryan , but because we met that one time we were able to form an interesting type of relationship . Ryan was my best friend . He 's the best human friend I have ever had - apart from Dearest . We only really talked over Yahoo instant messenger , but I really felt like he knew my soul . He read everything I wrote , and I read a lot of what he wrote , almost all of his song lyrics . He was a musician , a wonderful , troubled , amazingly creative musician . We spent a lot of long nights ' talking ' via the internet . He was always there for me , always supportive and understanding . I 'm afraid I wasn 't as good a friend to him as he was to me . There were several times when I talked him off the edge , convinced him not to give up on his music and on life , and there were many more times when he listened to my troubles and comforted me or got on my case when I wanted to stop writing . In 2009 , after I had moved from Indiana to Washington , we stopped talking as much . Work , school , his girlfriend , my boyfriend , and the time difference all got in the way . We talked when we could , just not as often . In the spring of 2010 , he killed himself . Losing Ryan was like losing a piece of me . I couldn 't explain it because we weren 't close by normal standards , but he was so close to my heart that his death was an incredible blow . I couldn 't even make it back to Indiana for the funeral . The best I could do was sit in my living room , listening to his voice in the videos on youtube , and praying he wasn 't really gone . My writer 's mind turned against me , playing and replaying a vividly detailed movie of what his last moments probably were , of how he killed himself . It was all I could do to not go insane . My grief was so deep that my boyfriend at the time couldn 't handle it and he broke up with me , and kicked me out . I was forced to shove my emotions , my grief and devastation , into a closet somewhere . I couldn 't afford to be emotional , I had to survive . My writing stopped altogether . It simply would not come to me . The words were not there , the stories no longer played in my mind . There was only emptiness . It wasn 't until I let myself grieve for Ryan that my writing started again . I had to open the closet door and pull everything out and just cry . I wept for Ryan and the terrible loneliness he must have felt . I wept because he had resigned himself to the very insignificance he so feared . I cried because he was my friend , my very best friend , and I had never been a good friend to him . I cried because at that point , two whole years later , I missed him so very much . I missed the silly things he said , and our long nights of word association games . I missed the way he always was there for me , the way he held me up sometimes when I needed it most . I missed him more than I knew how to say and two years after he died I finally let myself cry for him again , until the missing didn 't hurt as much as it used to . That 's when my writing started again . It was just a trickle , an idea here or there , a dialog , small bits and pieces I couldn 't actually use . It 's still not flowing the way I want it to , but it 's starting . It 's there again , I can reach it , and I 'm glad . I still miss Ryan . I miss everything about him . When he died , it felt like part of me died with him . Now I know that 's not true . I didn 't die with Ryan , I just took too long trying not to grieve . I 'm done grieving now , and I can move on ; I know that 's how he would want it anyway . Ryan was my very best friend , so close to my heart that when I lost him I also lost my writing for a little while . I will always remember him , I will probably always miss him . I hope he found the peace he searched for . I 've been formulating this post in my mind for . . quite some time . I 've been thinking about my writing a lot ; about why I write and why I don 't , about where my writing comes from . My mom posted something about her own writing today and I guess it was the push I needed to write this . I have been writing for as long as I can remember . It started with stories - lies and exaggerations - as a kid . I 've mentioned before that there are parts of my past I don 't remember the truth of because I made it something else in my mind . If you 've ever read " And to Think That I Saw it on Mulberry Street " by Dr . Seuss , you have an idea of what used to go on - except that I would actually tell the story with the elephants and giraffes and whatnot . Later on in my childhood I began physically writing in a genre now called fan fiction . I didn 't know really how to come up with stories of my own , so I borrowed elements from other things I 'd read or watched and made those stories my own . That lasted throughout the rest of my life , though I stopped writing them down shortly after I had started . In my mind , the stories continue and I add myself in as keystone character to whatever plot I 've just read . In my teenage years I really took to writing . I loved to create things and I loved the idea that one day my name would be on the spines of the books that lined Barnes and Noble shelves . I had many teachers who encouraged me , despite the fact that they were - I 'm sure - annoyed that I often favored my own stories over the homework they had issued . When I reached high school my teachers not only encouraged me , but helped me . They beta read my work , proofread for me , and suggested various self - publishing venues . All of my English and Language teachers loved my writing - except for one . My relationship with John was a perfect example of how much you can devastate someone if you aren 't careful of your words . He was my creative writing teacher , but I was not his favorite student . Looking back , I see two reasons for this : Firstly , I was a better writer than he was - grammatically speaking . I knew how to twist the words into a story much better than he did and whenever he slipped one of his works into the class partner - grading stack , I almost always failed him before knowing it was his work . The second is that John loved poetry much better than stories . We lingered only briefly on the creative writing and story building portion of the curriculum , but when we got to Poetry we stayed there all year . I did not favor poetry . I considered it - while John was teaching it - asinine and below the skills of someone who could actually write . I probably at one point even said " those who cannot write , write poetry . " John insisted I turn in a quota of poetry , even though I was fully absorbed in what I still consider my best work of fiction yet . To motivate me , he told me that I wasn 't good enough at fiction writing to have any future there , I didn 't have the talent for it , but I might be able to manage poetry . To spite him I wrote 150 poems in the next few weeks and then continued to work on my book . But the seed was planted . Even though I finished that book and completed another - along with various short stories - in the course of the next two years , that kernel of doubt was there . Was I a writer ? Did I have what it took ? I had several binders full to bursting with my writing and yet I still thought : " Can I actually write ? " Emotional tragedy struck my life in my Junior year and gave that seed a place to root . I switched to poetry , preferring the river - like movement of words to express my confused emotions over my stories . My teacher at the time , Mr . Jaggaditch , was amazing . He supported and encouraged me , and he helped me to make my writing - even my stories - better . But the seed was there , and the root had grown , and that summer I destroyed all of my best works . I started to review them , and I just heard John 's voice in my head , telling me they were crap . A full novel with potential to become a series , a novella , several short stories , and many , many poems found fiery death in the grill in my driveway . My emotional tragedy had hurt my heart deeply that past year , and it could not withstand his harsh criticisms because the truth of the matter is that every piece of writing I have ever produced - fiction , poetry , essays , everything - came from a place deep within my heart . A place that was connected to my soul . And with my heart already in battered condition , John 's criticism which had been dormant for almost two whole years collapsed the connection . Once I burned those writings it was like sealing off the entrance to a gold mine while there 's still gold left . I knew there was potential there , I knew it was still in me somewhere , but I just couldn 't reach it anymore . My heart , my soul , even my mind mourned the loss . I tried once in a while to pick the writing back up , but I never felt like it was good enough because it never quite came from the same place . That place was blocked , and I eventually gave up hope that it would ever re - open . Writing , which was once such a huge part of me , became something I used to do . It became a part of my past , like Barbie dolls or Playdough . For years , it stayed that way . I would probe , once in a while , poking at the part of my soul my writing came from to see if anything would emerge . It didn 't . My heart mourned the loss of my best works - and still does to this day . I may never be an author . I may never have my name on the spine of a book , or my writing on a shelf in Barnes and Noble . I may never know the alternate joy and despair of reader 's reviews or of trying to find a publisher that will take me on . But recently I 've discovered that I am still , and always will be , a writer . You see , being a writer isn 't about whether you 're published . It isn 't even about whether anyone ever reads what you 've written . It 's about having that place , deep within your heart and connected to your soul , where your writing comes from . It 's about having the story in you . It 's about sitting down and - whether it 's on a computer screen or a legal pad or a spiral notebook - creating that world where the story happens . Writing is still very hard for me , I 'm still working on the seal to that gold mine . Sometimes , I get so frustrated with my inability to know where things need to go next that I just stop . But for as long as I live , I will be writing . It 's just too much a part of me for me to ignore it anymore . The stories are there , I just have to re - learn how to get them out . I 'm still adjusting to the new layout and whatnot for blogger . Believe it or not , that explains why I just dumped the whole Dr Who challenge into published form at once . The queuing system used to allow me to write out a post and then post it when I wanted to , at which point it would be categorized by the date posted . Not anymore . Now it categorizes by date written . Go figure . I 've just realized that I once again forgot to write anything for Monday . Truth be told , life around here has been kindof boring . Same ol ' same ol ' . Dearest has been sick , and it really tears me apart to see him in pain - he caught a cold , sinus infection , and flu at about the same time and now they 've all morphed together into some kind of superflu thing . I don 't think he 's contagious though , since the worst thing plaguing me is boredom , laziness , and allergies . Isn 't this picture awesome ? Dearest gets sweeter every day - which is awesome . I 'm so very glad to not be in the place we were last year , with him medicated out of his mind and unable to really be a good companion . He 's getting a lot better at saying the things I need to hear , even if they sound a little weird . For example , yesterday he assured me that he thinks I smell pretty - not something most girls would think of as something they need to hear , but for someone who desperately misses scented soaps and lotions it 's unexpectedly comforting to know that he thinks my non - scent ( clean ) smells nice . He still doesn 't remember when my birthday is , but he remembers our anniversary ( he should , since he picked the date ) and though he can 't remember that I want him to get me flowers for our anniversary he does know that it 's essential to my emotional sense of " all is well with the world " that we do something special and out of the ordinary to celebrate . Honestly , since I can 't even explain why it 's so important that he buy me flowers for our anniversary , I don 't mind having to remind him that day . I 'd much rather he remember to make dinner plans for us somewhere . He 's getting a lot better than he used to be at romance and pushing those mental and emotional buttons that make me feel loved and taken care of , and I really really appreciate all of his efforts . We spent . . . a lot of money . . . on yard work equipment this week , but it was all things we actually rather desperately needed so I guess I don 't feel too bad . I finally got the hedges our neighbor planted - which have since been growing into and taking over our side of the fence - trimmed . I also discovered a few rose plants that have probably never been supported properly and I tied them to each other and the fence with some yarn ; not a permanent fix but good enough for the time being . I still have a lot to do with the yard : cleaning up after having trimmed the hedges , supporting the rest of the rose plants , weeding , getting a few potted plants strategically placed and then keeping them alive , that sort of thing . I also have to clean out the fountain that probably hasn 't been cleaned or turned on in years . The inside of my house is much more of the same . Although I did finally get to Laundry Mountain yesterday - with the help of the ironing board Dearest bought me - I still have so much to do and so little motivation to do it . I 'm working on it though . In the last few weeks I 've turned a huge canvas shopping bag full of yarn into a canvas bag full of hats for our Imagi - Knit group . Nothing fancy , just beanie - style hats . I love working with the yarn and since I got it for free I have no issues re - donating the hats . We are still having a few financial struggles , but things are getting so much better . Soon ( dear God , please let it be soon ) we won 't ever have to eat chili again . For those of you who don 't know , we 've been having chili for lunch and dinner almost every day since January . I , for one , am far past ready to be done . With my recent download of the Kindle app I 've gotten back into novels - which Dearest and my mentor would probably both frown upon . It 's a welcome break for me , though , since many of the books I read for the sake of self improvement are fairly dry and quite difficult for me to get through . With a novel , there 's nothing to learn or absorb . You just have an adventure in your head and then you 're done . Reading the other books has often left me exhausted from the sheer effort it takes to focus and read and absorb what is there . I will get back to them , but for just right now I 'm taking a break . We found a neat new app , called Pirq . It 's a coupon app , sort of , and as far as I know just in WA and some areas of OR . It 's really fabulous . Businesses sign up with Pirq and put out a limited number of a certain offer to help them get more business , then the users of pirq take advantage of those offers . For example , yesterday we claimed one of twelve available 50 % off coupons for a pizza place in the area between 12 : 30 and 2 : 30 . It was delicious . I finally finished King of the Hill on Netflix . I tried showing a few episodes to my boss ' daughter but I guess to understand the show and think it 's funny you had to at least have been alive during the 90s when it was airing and relevant . In any case , that series went on forever ! 13 seasons with between 12 and 32 episodes each . . . LOTS of King of the Hill , and I will probably never watch it again . I have taken all I can take . Now I 'm moving on to Lie to Me , which I 've watched before and just need to catch up on . I absolutely adore this show , I love the Cal Lightman character and the way he interacts with people , and I love the science behind figuring these things out . For those who don 't know , Lie to Me is about a firm of people whose sole job is to read people . They know how to pick out microexpressions in body language , how to read what a person is not saying , and how to really get inside the heads of the people they talk to . In the series , their skills are usually called upon to solve mysteries or catch criminals . If you liked Psych or Monk , you 'll adore Lie to Me ( and if you like Lie to Me , you should check out Psych and Monk , they 're more hilarious versions of the same type of thing , minus the microexpression focus . ) My past isn 't sunshine and roses . The emotions tied to my past are largely negative . And just when I think that I 've finally let it all go and started to move on , here comes my subconscious to remind me : " No , you haven 't . It still hurts . You 're just hiding . " So I guess the question becomes : How do you let go of a past that won 't let go of you ? My past still has its sharp , poisoned talons deep in my heart , and I don 't know how to dislodge them . So far , prayers that God will help me move past all this has only brought days and nights full of memories I don 't want to have anymore . I don 't want to remember , because I don 't know how to deal with it . I 'd love to just " put the past behind me " and move on , but my attempts to do so thus far have only resulted in it at my back , waiting for a chance to strike . I 've read psychology articles and books , I 've talked to psych students , I 've studied as much as I can stand to - all to figure this one out . The answers I can find seem like crap . Validate the emotion and then you can move on . But how do you validate an emotion from years ago that - logically - should not even be felt anymore ? I forgot to make my post yesterday , so here it is today . The week was fairly uneventful until Saturday , when we went to an amazingly beautiful wedding and a friend 's kid 's birthday party . That 's about all I have to say about the week , though . Pictures above . Hi , I 'm Laura . I 'm 23 , and I 'm a wife and business owner among other things . I love to learn and I love to share what I learn ( and what I think about it ! ) with others , which is the purpose of these blogs . I hope you 'll find something here enjoyable , useful , and maybe even helpful . I know I have ! " We 're all a little weird and life 's a little weird . And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours we get together and fall into mutual weirdness and call it love . " ~ Dr . Seuss " I declare it Famine and Pestilence day . Because anybody can declare any day any sort of day they want it to be . And tomorrow will be the celebration of the end of Famine and Pestilence day . So let it be written , so let it be done . " ~ Said the day before Thanksgiving |
This is kind of a sloppy chapter , to be honest . I couldn 't really figure out how exactly I wanted Aang 's return to play out , so I went with the first reasonable situation that came to mind . I hope you enjoy it though . Katara and I strolled down a paved path in the Republic City Park , with a thirteen - month - old Kya cooing in joy while in her mother 's arms . We were heading for the playground that the city had built in the park not too long ago . Kya had just begun to learn how to walk ; what distance she could at least . Katara and I had this idea of seeing who Kya would come to if we put her in the middle of her and I . I don 't know why we were tempted to find out the answer , but I 'm sure it was just another one of our in - the - moment ideas - ideas that just popped into our heads and said to ourselves , " Why don 't we give it a try ? " So that 's what we were doing here . It was a Monday afternoon , so the playground was more likely to be less populated than it would have been during the weekend with all the parents off work . Besides , we kind of liked having the park to ourselves . It was easy to keep an eye on Kya while she played in the sand , and plus , just watching her be in her own little world was a joy that we 'd never pass up . We set Kya down on the ground and onto her feet and she stared at us both in confusion . I doubt I could get into that little head of hers even if I tried . After we made sure she could stay standing on her own , we parted ways . When Katara and I took our short distance from her , she seemed even more confused , wondering what in the world we were doing . Our child turned to her mother and she smiled widely . " No , Kya , come to Daddy ! " I called to her , bending my knees as I clapped my hands and held my arms out . The baby girl then turned her head to me and made a cute gurgle as she turn her entire body my way . I couldn 't help but glance at my wife with a smirk of dominance . She retorted by sticking her tongue out at me playfully . Just like that , Kya turned around again . I had apparently lost her attention . " Mommy " was now our daughter 's choice of destination , no matter what I tried . I couldn 't do anything but watch as she slowly walked towards her mother , wobbling left and right , trying to keep her balance . I was sure that she was going to fall . . . but she didn 't . She walked straight into my wife 's arms . Katara picked her up and softly tossed her up in the air . I chuckled softly , " I would , too , if I were her . . . " I stated as I approached her . We shared a sweet kiss and gazed into each other 's eyes . I then took Kya into my arms and placed a kiss on her cheek . " You love your daddy , don 't you ? " I asked her . I was woken up by the sound of the brakes grinding against the tracks and slowing down the train I was traveling on . I had apparently been out for a while . . . The entire train ride , as a matter of fact . Last thing I remembered was boarding and taking a seat . I must have fallen asleep without realizing it . That had to be it because I had another one of those dreams . These dreams - they 'd been recurring for the last five years . Each time it was different , but the scenario was always the same . I 'd dream of what my life would be like if . . . if Katara hadn 't passed away . Each time , I could swear that it was real . I know what you 're thinking : " A lot of dreams feel real . " Well , I can say with all honesty , that these dreams couldn 't feel more realistic . With most dreams you can only remember blurry images and maybe even a sentence or two . But with these dreams , I could recite every detail as if it just happened . Eh , what did it matter anyway ? They were just dreams , and that 's all they 'd ever be - dreams . But God knows that I 'd do anything for them to come true . . . I guess that you 're wondering what I 've been doing with my life for the past five years , aren 't you ? Well , then , just be patient . I 'll fill you in . . . Though I gotta tell ya , you probably won 't agree with most of it . Back then , I thought it was all natural . But now , my entire insight on it all , and what I became , well it just makes me sick . I didn 't even notice what I 'd become until it was too late . I hated this place . It was too full of memories I wanted to forget . The only reason I was alive was because it 'd be too much trouble to die . I tried to run away from here , but no matter what , I couldn 't run away from what happened . . . to you , Katara . The only thing I accomplished by leaving was realizing that you were still here . You 'd be forever tied to this city . That was something I could never change , so I chose to accept it . I finally decided to return to Republic City - or in my case , The City of Pain . That 's all that this place gives me anymore . But then again , no matter where I go , my pain and suffering follows . I grabbed my bag and headed for the exit . The moment I stepped out those doors and caught a whiff of that city air , I knew that there would be no turning back . I was going to spend the rest of my life here . . . My usual attire was packed in my bag . At the moment , I was wearing a two - piece suit , containing coal - gray jacket , a white shirt with a stiff , square collar , and some stockings over black shoes . My hair had grown out a lot , as I hadn 't shaved it bald in the last few years . My bangs had grown to the point where they practically covered my arrow . I didn 't care . . . I used to be so insistent on wearing it proudly , and now it didn 't really matter . Why should it ? It was just a tattoo anyways . I left Republic City some time after Katara 's funeral . Zuko offered to let me stay with him and Mai in the Fire Nation while I sorted stuff out . But there was nothing to sort out . . . She was dead , and that was that . Nothing would ever change that . . . But either way , after thinking it over , I took up his offer . But really , it was just my attempt at running away . The service had ended . She was now six feet under the earth . That was where she 'd stay until time itself came to an end . I 'm ashamed to admit that , somehow , I didn 't cry throughout the whole thing . The most I did was shed a few tears , most of which were during the eulogy I gave . I wanted to do more than that . I wanted to show how much I loved her , but my body just wouldn 't let me . I felt like I got rid of all my cries on the night she died . I wish that wasn 't the case . . . If anyone 's cries were noticed the most , they were Kya 's . She cried throughout the entire thing . I had asked Sokka to take her to the funeral with him for me because I was afraid that I 'd lose it again and go hysterical . Like the kind man that he is , he had agreed and brought her with him and Suki . All the while , every time I looked at her , I couldn 't help but think , " Only a week old and she 's having to say good - bye to the mother she 'd never get to know . " With the service over , I tried to hurry to the carriage that was waiting for me just outside the graveyard . I didn 't want to speak to anyone , I didn 't want to see anyone . Hell , all I wanted to do was just go home and hide in a corner for the rest of my life . " What do you want ? " I asked him harshly . I already said I didn 't want to see anyone , but I especially didn 't want to see him . I sent him a cold look before turning my gaze to the box and bringing it into my hand . I slowly flipped it open it to find Katara 's most prized possession . I wasn 't surprised . . . I should have known he 'd try this . I knew what he meant , and I knew he was right . It 'd been passed down for generations , and it was only right to continue that passing . I don 't know what happened , but then , something inside of me just , sort of , cracked . Tears began to develop in my eyes as I accepted the possession . " Thank you , Hakoda . . . " I managed to say as I wiped my eyes , a smile making it 's way to my face . I was glad to know that I was still showing emotions for her . It reminded me that even though I could never see her again , she still had a place in my heart . " You 're welcome , son , " he patted me on the shoulder , trying his best to work up a smile . I knew it was hard on him . Then I remembered what he did . In a way , I wish I didn 't . Maybe then I could be relinquished of some of this anger that was dwelling inside me . I turned away from him , " I got to go . . . " I said and began walking as quickly away from him as I could . I couldn 't let something like this make me forget what he did to her and I . He betrayed us , made us believe him . I could never trust a word he said , but I did know that he was right about the necklace . Even that I couldn 't deny . I finally reached the carriage where a driver was waiting for me . I quickly swung open the door and got in , slamming the door shut . I was just about to order the driver to head off when I heard someone knock on the door of the carriage . I turned and saw Zuko peering in . " Sure thing , " I finished , considering the conversation over . The driver then set off , guiding the ostrich - horses out of the graveyard while I tried my hardest to keep my eye on Katara 's headstone . Eventually , it vanished from my sight and I was forced to just sit back and . . . well , just sit back . We were halfway to the docks when I had the craziest idea . " Driver , take me to the nearest bar , please , " I told the driver . Before I knew it , we 'd changed directions . Not long after , I found myself walking into a bar for the first time in my life . I had no idea what was going through my head . It was like I had no control over it . But , the thing is , I didn 't fight it either . I didn 't want to fight it ; I wanted it to happen ! Something inside me screamed , " You can 't deal with this on your own ! Alcohol will take away the pain ! " I remember having second thoughts . I remember asking myself , is this what I wanna do with my life ? I hesitated , raising my head and staring at the bottle for what felt like an eternity . Finally , that voice that was shouting inside me took control . I grabbed the bottle and placed the tip in my mouth , chugging down every last drop . That was the first time I ever drank alcohol . Well , other than the few glasses of champagne I had at mine and Katara 's wedding . But that didn 't even compare to the amount I drank that night . I don 't even remember leaving the bar . . . I found myself on a bench in the park with a bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other . Sometime after that , I left with Zuko and Mai to the Fire Nation . I told everyone that I 'd be back in just a few weeks - two at the least . I had asked Sokka and Suki if they could take care of Kya while I was gone . I remember the questioning look on his face when I asked him . But nevertheless , he eventually agreed . I told them what I told everyone else , but only I knew that I 'd be gone much longer than that . When Zuko agreed to take me in , I talked him into letting me get my own apartment . He was against it at first , but I talked him into it after explaining that I didn 't want to freeload off of him . I , of course , knew that wasn 't the case . I knew that he would assume it was just my personality , but really , I didn 't want him to get in the way of my life . I stayed there for about three years until Zuko and I had our falling out . I had been able to hide my addictions to alcohol and cigarettes for years , but one day , Zuko finally realized that my attitude and personality had been changing . He confronted me and tried to make me quit . I wouldn 't listen . He had no right to tell me what to do with my own life ! And that 's exactly what I told him . He soon realized that I wouldn 't listen to " reason " , and tried to cut me off . That 's when things got serious . I wasn 't going to sit there and let other people control me . You could say that things got a little " heated . " After three years of avoiding my return , I was forced to find somewhere else to stay . I didn 't care . . . If Zuko was really my friend , he would realize that this was the only way to relinquish myself of the pain that was tearing at my heart . Eh , that wasn 't entirely true . No matter what I did , the pain wouldn 't go away . I got myself an apartment in the lower ring . I didn 't do much while I was there . I got myself a small full - time job so that I could pay for the apartment . As long as no one in the government was aware of my presence in the Earth Kingdom , they wouldn 't send me money like every other place I went to did . So I hid the arrows on my hands by wearing gloves 24 / 7 , and hid the one on my forehead with my overgrowing hair and bangs . Luckily , no one really pays attention to a guy 's forehead when their head is full of hair . Well , I thought I had finally ran away from my pain . Just living a normal life , where nobody knew who I was , it was enough to think that I might be able to just forget everything that happened and live like this for the rest of my life . But then , the dreams started to become more frequent . I 'd even begun to day dream . I remember that about a year into my job , I was presented with an opportunity to move up to the middle ring and start working as a waiter at a restaurant . That 's when things got really complicated . You remember how Katara and I got together , don 't you ? It was right here in Ba Sing Se . Like I said , I made a stupid mistake by coming here . You see , Katara and I spent the first few weeks of our relationship in Ba Sing Se , more specifically in the middle ring . Everywhere I looked , I saw memories of me and Katara . All types . . . All the pain that I had been trying to avoid then hit me with full force . My addiction to alcohol grew worse . I reached the point where I once stayed up through the whole night drinking and even came to work like that . Needless to say , I was fired immediately . But I still wasn 't going to go back to Republic City . Not until I knew I could control my addiction to the point where I could still work . Now that I was out of work , I couldn 't pay for my cigarettes nor my alcohol . It nearly drove me crazy . I once attempted to attempt suicide because of the pain . But I couldn 't go through with it . That wouldn 't make it go away . . . It 'd only make it worse . The suffering - the pain and sadness - would follow my soul for an eternity . What was the use of dying if all it would do is make things harder than they already were ? Dying wouldn 't bring Katara back . Eventually , I gained some control over my addictions . I was able to get to the point where I could maintain some control over myself . That 's when I figured it was time to return home - to the City of Pain . Memories clouded my mind as I aimlessly walked down the streets of this heavily - populated city . The sun was beaming down at the city with all its heat , making the day a very sweaty one . One thing I knew this city could achieve is great heat and great cold . It had a well controlled climate . It was never too hot during the summer , but you could always hope for a white winter . I guess that 's one thing I missed about this city . It 's winters were the best . Katara always loved them best , too . It reminded her of her home in the icy South Pole . That 's one reason we decided to move out here almost fifteen years ago . Fifteen years . . . A lot has changed since then . It seems that it was just yesterday that Katara and I married . Wait ! No , not just yesterday . But today ! My God . . . How could I have almost forgotten ? Now I really felt stupid ; like I deserved a stern slap across the face . That 's probably ' cause I did . Today was the fifteenth anniversary of the day we got married . Now , for the first time in so long , I was happy to be here in Republic City . Of course , like I just said , I hated this city . But this day , every year since her death , I wanted to return but leave immediately afterward . No wonder why I was so persistent in getting back here today ! I hadn 't celebrated our anniversary in so long because I believed it to be pointless , but now that I 'm here . . . maybe now I can make up for it . Now I asked myself : What should I do ? What would be appropriate ? I couldn 't take her anywhere . . . I couldn 't make her dinner like I had done for so long . Then an idea come to mind . Maybe it could work ! It wasn 't much , but I had to show her that our anniversary did still mean something to me . What would she think of me if I just let it pass for the fifth year since she died ? I now had an objective to achieve . My head that had been staring at the sidewalk for God knows how long was finally picked up with a look of determination . I scanned the shops that I passed . I must have walked for hours , looking for just the right place . I couldn 't go to just any store . She deserved more than that . I must have walked for hours . The sun was just starting to set and I was nearing the docks on the edge of the city . I hadn 't even realized it until I looked up and saw the large statue of me , standing proudly on Aang Memorial Island . I turned away from it , and coincidentally , I found the place I was looking for . It was a flower shop , specifically for the purpose of birthdays and anniversaries . It was called , " Ayame 's Celebratory Flowers " , or something like that . I didn 't pay too much attention to the name . All I knew is that it was exactly what I was looking for . I looked up at the sky , recognizing it 's orange theme and deducing that sundown wasn 't far away . I made no haste as I rushed to the flower shop . A small bell was shaken as I came through the door , alerting the store owner behind the counter that a customer had come in . " Evening , " I greeted back . I looked around the small store . There were rows and rows of all types of flowers . But that wasn 't all . There were also these candies lined up near the back of the store . Next to those were various candles and joss sticks . I smiled on the inside . This place had everything I needed . I just hoped that she would like it . . . " Panda lilies ? " she pondered , taking in hand a clipboard and scanning the paper attached to it . " Yes , we do . A shipment just came in , " she answered with a bright smile . " They 're just down that aisle , " she pointed down at a row of flowers . The question struck me and I felt the need to admit a sad truth . " Um , no thank you . My wife . . . she 's , uh . . . she 's dead , " I explained , avoiding eye contact as my own words pounded at my throat and heart . " No , it 's okay , " I stopped her from blaming herself . " There 's no way you could have known . You were just being friendly . " I picked up a bouquet of panda lilies . This was really all I came in for , but I couldn 't help but head to where the candies were . I had no reason to buy candies . It wasn 't like she could eat them anyway . . . But still , I felt the need to buy them anyway . I guess it was just my heart telling me that , " It 's the thought that counts . " I scanned the various boxes of candies . If she were alive , what type would she want most ? I guess that was hard question to answer , because I must have spent at least a whole ten minutes considering all my options . I took a moment of thought and grabbed a pair of joss sticks and nodded . We then proceeded to the front of the store and the lady took her place behind the counter . I guess she knew the prices right off the back of her hand , because she didn 't even have to glance at the tags . I set the bouquet of flowers on the counter and reached in my pocket . I didn 't have much money on me , but thankfully I had the required amount . Once I paid , I made my way towards the exit , bidding the nice woman " goodbye " . When I got outside , I noticed that the sun was just minutes from vanishing from sight , only to be replaced by the full moon . I looked up at the sky , " A full moon . . . " I thought aloud . I closed my eyes and smiled , " You loved full moons . . . " I said softly , barely noticing the droplet of water drip from my eyelids . Full moons had become Katara 's favorite phase of the moon , and not just because of the increase in power it gave her . She always told me how the moon had its own meaning of love and beauty . I remember always asking her what that meaning was , but all she did is shrug . Was it because she didn 't know that meaning , or was she waiting for me to realize it myself ? A little over a half - hour later , I was on a ferry heading for my home : Air Temple Island . I had been avoiding this place for so long , just as I had been the entire city . But now there was no more of that . I couldn 't run anymore . I wish I could , but there was no point . There was no point to anything , really . The only reason I was celebrating my anniversary was so that I could tell myself that she was still there , in spirit , and that this is what she would have wanted . I don 't know if I believe that " in spirit " part anymore , though . If she was , wouldn 't she have come to see me years ago ? Wouldn 't she have summoned me or something ? But she never did . Sometimes I think that when she died , I locked my Air Chakra forever , cutting off all my connections to the Spirit World and the Avatar State . What did it matter anyway ? I didn 't need them . . . The world was peaceful . There was no need for the Avatar anymore . Avatar Aang had practically fallen off the face of the planet and no one made a commotion about it . I found myself looking once again up at the large memorial statue of me . I must have stared at it for the rest of the way . When I looked away , I found the ferry parked next to the dock of the island with a few Acolytes waiting for me down below . I grabbed my bag and put it over my shoulder , taking the panda lilies and the box of chocolates from the seat next to me . As I came down the boardwalk , I was surprised that nothing had changed . I had thought that without me , the Acolytes would have disbanded and left the island to become some gang 's headquarters . I couldn 't help but smile at the welcome . I guess it was kind of nice to know I was missed . However , I was curious as to how he knew I was coming , or even how he knew it was me specifically . Well , now that I think about it , Anil was no idiot . He was probably a lot better at noticing my weakly - hidden tattoos than anybody that just happened to glance at me . That . . . or he just wasn 't a guy to forget a face . I caught a glimpse of him eying me in wonder , but I just ignored it . I had a liable reason to be tired . I 'd been on a train since ten this morning , and now the moon had taken over the sky . As we made our way up the flights of stairs leading to the courtyard , I began to wonder why Anil wasn 't asking why I had a bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates . Usually that would be something he 'd ask about , and even offer to put the flowers in a vase . Maybe he already knew , but then again , maybe he just didn 't feel like asking . Why am I even pondering this ? It isn 't like it would make much difference . It would just be a stupid question . Finally we made it up the stairs . Now I was really tired . I 'd almost forgotten how many stairs there were . Or maybe I was just out of shape . . . I guess I have been pretty lazy these last couple years . " Just silence . . . " I answered harshly as I left him and headed for the building where my room was . The master bedroom was on the edge of the island where the boy 's dorm was at . I don 't know why I had been so harsh to him before I left . I hadn 't noticed it yet , but this place brought out the worst of me . Well , what can you expect from a city that only gives you pain ? As I walked down the hall of the dorms , I realized that I hadn 't been in this particular part of the island since the night Katara died , especially our room . After that night , I put it strictly off - limits . Even I hadn 't gone in there since then . I was too afraid to . . . All of a sudden , I thought I heard crying . The crying of a child even . My heart began pounding rapidly , like it was trying to jump out of my chest . Logic wasn 't playing any role in my head as I began rushing to the room where the crying was coming from . Not much to my surprise , it was coming from the same room where our child was born . I swung the door open with as much speed and force as I could control , expecting to find Katara lying there , holding our crying daughter . I could almost hear her soothing voice trying to calm her . . . But it was only my imagination . . . The room was empty - dead even . It was dark , only small traces of light seeping in from the closed window on the other side of the room . I let out a deep , depressed sigh , realizing that my mind had been playing tricks on me . Dirty , evil , and depressing tricks . . . One thing I noticed was that the room hadn 't changed a bit since the last time I came in here . The Acolytes had respected my wishes . I guess they 're nothing if not loyal . I was happy about that . The room hadn 't even been cleaned at all ! Even the sheets were as messed up as they had been the morning that her . . . her body had been removed from the premises . A grateful smile rose to my face as I closed the door behind me and began to approach the bed , hesitating almost every step . I had walked into a room that replayed that tragic memory non - stop . Which each step I took , I could see faint , almost transparent figures surrounding the bed . I was one of those figures . And so was Sokka , Suki , and even Hakoda . All the other figures were the Acolytes and healers . A scream of terrible pain broke the dead impression this room was giving . It was filled with life . . . well , imaginary life . I knew what I was witnessing in my head . I wanted to turn away , run out of the room and never look back . But I couldn 't . . . What was the use of running from something that would stay locked in your head forever ? That 's what I told myself as I forced my body to continue forward . The closer I got to the bed , the more the memory began to fade . The screams began to fade , but the water dripping from my eyes didn 't . " I 'm home , Katara . . . " I said , my voice so soft that it 's trembling . I brought myself to pick my head up , almost sure that I 'll see her lying there on her chest with that beautiful smile of hers . But I don 't . . . but I knew the next best thing . I sniffle and reached inside my bag and pulled out a small picture frame with a sketch of her in it . She was smiling with all the joy and happiness that her body could create , her hands folded out in front of her while her beautiful , long , silky hair blew in the wind . My mouth curved into a happy , longing smile as I set it up on the bed . I placed it in the middle of the mattress and took the bouquet of panda lilies and placed them on the left next to her picture , and placed the candies on the right . I then took out the two joss sticks I had bought earlier , lighting the tips with my fingers and placing them in front of the small picture . I sniffled again , rubbed my eyes to clear them of the tears as I reached in my jacket . " One more thing . . . " I said as I pulled out a small brown , rectangular box with the Water Tribe insignia carved onto the lid . I flipped it open , revealing Katara 's prized possession : her mother 's necklace . I set it down in front of the incense sticks . I ran my wrist across my eyes again , " I 'm finally home again . I 'm sorry I missed our other anniversaries . I shouldn 't have done that . But the good news is that I 'm here now for this one . " " Hey , remember when . . . when you agreed to marry me ? It was the sixth anniversary of the day we got together . I planned an entire trip to Ba Sing Se just for us . We spent the whole day at that festival that commemorated the end of the War . Then , at the end of the day , I took you to the Jasmine Dragon . I took you out on the balcony and . . . " I didn 't bother stopping the newly - formed tears from falling into my lap . I began to grip my pants as tightly as I could . I couldn 't take it . I couldn 't just pretend to be happy it was our anniversary . I wouldn 't allow myself to just pretend that I was happy at all , because I wasn 't . Not one bit . You wanna know the truth ? The truth is : I didn 't want to just sit here in front of this memorial I made from her . I wanted to get up and punch something as hard as I could and imagine it was the monster who took her from me . I wanted to strangle and pound it with steel knuckles for as long as my heart would allow . " She doesn 't deserve this . . . " I managed to say through my clenched teeth . " What made you think she deserved what you did to her ? " I raised my voice , demanding an answer . " What right did you have to take her from me ? ! " I began to shout , my anger and sorrow gaining control over my actions . I rose from the ground , walking around the bed and towards the closed window . I grabbed both the shutters and threw them open , revealing the dark sky pouring down rain from the clouds . I hadn 't noticed the rain until now . I hadn 't even heard the thunderous lightning splitting the sky apart . " WHY ! ? " I shouted as loudly as I could . " WHY DID YOU TAKE HER , YOU DEVILISH BASTARD ! ? YOU THINK YOU CAN DECIDE WHO LIVES OR DIES ! ? THEN COME ON ! SHOW YOUR STRENGTH ! " I continued to shout , watching as streaks of lightning ripped through the sky with loud claps of thunder . " YOU THINK THAT YOU CONTROL DEATH ? WELL , COME ON ! STRIKE ME ! IF ANYONE DESERVES YOUR PUNISHMENT IT ' S ME ! I ' M THE ONE YOU WANTED TO PUNISH , AREN ' T I ! ? YOU TOOK HER TO PUNISH ME ! LET ME TAKE HER PLACE ; JUST LET HER LIVE AGAIN ! " My breath became heavy as I just stood there , waiting for one of those bolts of lightning to take me and leave Katara in my place . But it never did . . . and never would . This was God 's way of punishing me for disappearing for so many years . Taking my entire race wasn 't enough . He needed to be sure that I paid for all the souls destroyed during the war . He took her to punish me and to help her . For taking her , He could be sure that she was reunited with her mother ; the woman who was murdered because of my absence . I used all the strength and energy I had left in me . By the time I was through , I was gasping for breath as I began to slide down onto the floor . I found myself lying on the ground , breathing heavy as I cried with sorrow , whispering her name every chance I got . Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
Not the ghost of my mother ; she is still alive , sitting in her chair in the hall . Having her good days and bad days . Sometimes , when Ruby bends down and says , All right my pet ? she hears it as a distant shushing , waves on a dark shore . Mrs Caspers is having a bad day , Ruby says to the others , and they make a note . But who really knows ? Maybe Ruby 's bad day is not my mother 's , maybe it 's the best day of all when her scrambled brain takes her far away from here . She was a wild one , my mother ; that 's what everyone said . The neighbours , the teachers , all her friends . Flying down the hill on her old black bicycle with her red hair streaming behind , waving her hands above her head . Once the patched tire blew and she tumbled through the air , a glorious long moment before the smack of the rough pavement . Her arm hurt and she had to leave the bike , the back wheel still spinning , slower and slower . It was a Saturday and my grandmother screamed when she opened the kitchen door , red trails on the linoleum . But nothing worse , under all that blood , than a broken collarbone and some deep scrapes . The new skin was pink and tight and made her think of church , of being reborn , shiny and clean . My mother grew up in the house she was born in , the house her father bought before the war . On a quiet street at the base of the steep hill that at that time was the edge of the city . A hospital squatted directly above them , all dull red brick and blank windows . They were too far away to see , but the windows all had thick bars . Her father told her that , nights when she woke with a scream . He told her no - one could ever get out but once there was a warning on the radio , men searching through the trees and bushes on the hillside . My mother 's father didn 't come back from the war ; his ship went down in a flaming sea . When she was five he had taught her to swim , his hands cupping her stomach , not letting go until she said she was ready . Everything went down with the ship , all his clothes and his sweet - smelling pipe , the slippery pouch . The letters she 'd written and the picture of herself , the one he said was his favourite . She watched him tuck it into his wallet on the day he left . Ruby told my mother that she didn 't know what to expect , the night she stood at the top of the plane 's steps , wondering how air so cold could burn when she breathed it . She thought maybe a room with blue walls and a balcony overlooking a garden , a job at a desk with a nameplate and a telephone . Her cousin 's car clunked and rattled but Ruby barely noticed , looking out at the snowy streets , the tall buildings , the bright windows full of everything you could ever imagine wanting . My mother had a brother , my Uncle John , who always did what he was told . When she was older she wondered sometimes about the long gap between them , but she never asked . Uncle John was only four when their father died and he was always asking for stories about him . My mother usually said she couldn 't remember ; she was afraid of using them up , of thinning them out . He went to my grandmother instead , and my mother sat very quietly on the stairs , just out of sight . On her good days my mother reads the newspaper , or has Ruby read it to her . There 's a rule about glasses where she is ; they are labelled and locked in a desk drawer so they don 't get broken . When people ask they are told that they 're lost , that they 'll turn up , like my mother once said about a dog that had to be put down . If Ruby is too busy to sit with the paper she brings my mother her glasses , but she always puts them back in the drawer as soon as she can . She 's used to this job , it suits her fine , but the head nurse is always looking for reasons to call her in to the tiny office . My mother reads the whole paper , front to back , but she 's not always sure what she thinks about it until she has a chance to talk it over with Ruby . No - one bothers her when she reads the paper , no - one pats her shoulder or talks too loudly in her ear . That 's the good part , but when she has the glasses she sees too much . The loose skin on her hands and the stains on her skirt , the big sign that says Today is Tuesday , with the month and the number . Once when she looked , it was my birthday . Without her glasses , all she sees clearly is Ruby 's face , the line between her eyebrows that gets deeper as she reads , gets deeper as the days and years go by . My mother loved to dance and after school she went up to her room with her friends , played the music loud while they tried the latest steps . Downstairs my grandmother gritted her teeth and sometimes put cotton in her ears ; she didn 't say anything until she absolutely couldn 't stand it , or until the neighbours ' car pulled up in their driveway . My grandmother was a secretary in an office and she didn 't know what went on when she wasn 't home . Once my Uncle John told about the bottle of sherry , but he didn 't mean to . Ruby laughed and laughed when she told my mother about the job her cousin had found her , the mop and the heavy - wheeled bucket , but she said she got used to it . Someone told her about courses she could take and riding on the bus to one place or the other she often fell asleep and dreamed , half - dreamed , about the airport . Her sons there waiting for her , blinking in the swirl of colour and noise . They were always the age they were when she left them , through all those years when she knew that they 'd have a better life with the money she sent than they would sharing a bed in her tiny apartment . Nowhere to run , and the hours she worked and studied , water cooling around her feet in a yellow plastic basin . The second time she opened the examination booklet everything she knew flew out of her head , so she took a different course and found a job in a hospital . She said the nursery was the best and the hardest , sending clean - smelling babies home with some of those parents . My mother and my grandmother began to fight about every little thing . The clothes my mother wore , the chores she forgot to do , the friends she liked to spend time with . My Uncle John kept his head down over his dinner plate and when he was finished went out to play football . Sometimes , coming home scraped and bruised through the dusk , he would hear their voices still going on through an open window , the sound of a slamming door . I imagine that my grandmother sometimes sat in her husband 's armchair late at night and wept , but not for long . Upstairs , the light from the hall fell on my mother 's hair , tangled on the pillow , on her parted lips . Standing in the doorway , my grandmother thought her heart would break . When she was sixteen , my mother met a boy who played Chopin on the piano . His name was Neil and he was someone she 'd never thought of ; she sat across from him in the cafeteria on a dare . For something to say , my mother mentioned algebra and how she 'd never understand it , never in a million years . And Neil began to explain , moving his hands through the air , writing things down on a napkin she tucked into her notebook . It was like a light going on ; she wondered why it had ever seemed difficult , and she noticed his long thin fingers and the way his eyes seemed to smile , even when his mouth didn 't . Neil took her to concerts in his parents ' new DeSoto , and my grandmother let out her breath and fed him chocolate cake . He found my mother 's friends too wild and he didn 't have many of his own , so mostly it was just the two of them . After a time they said they were going to concerts , to movies , and drove to the top of the hill , with the lights of the city spread out below . In the back of his parents ' car he told her he loved her , said he always would . But one day my Uncle John came inside with his head full of the hissing rain he 'd been running through , and stopped in the doorway like he 'd hit a wall . Saw the high red spots on my grandmother 's cheeks , the man with his vest tightly buttoned , the woman with the handkerchief to her eyes . The cooling cups of tea . He stayed with his friend Will when my grandmother put a suitcase in the trunk of the car and drove my mother away . On her good days my mother knows her children , but my brothers don 't come often , and it 's rare that the good days coincide . They show her pictures of her grandchildren , say their names and tell what they are doing , and my mother says , Fancy that ; they grow so fast , don 't they . In the parking lot my brothers tell each other that they really must visit more , that it cheers her up , anyone can see . My mother lifts her arms while Ruby pulls on her nightgown . They 're handsome men , Ruby says , and my mother says , Who ? It 's hard to know what Ruby is thinking ; she 's good at keeping her mind on the task at hand , good at staying away from places she doesn 't want to go . Ruby has a way of flattening her face , her expression , that makes people like the head nurse think she 's surly , or not very bright , but my mother knows that neither of those things is true . She used to know . My mother and Ruby have learned things about each other over the years , things that anyone could have , if they 'd wanted to . The conversations they 've always had let Ruby keep on talking and it doesn 't matter if her words don 't snag on anything , if they slip right through . When my mother came back home she was even wilder and my grandmother lay awake in the dark . She couldn 't ask anyone but she read books , she read magazines , she tried to come up with a plan . There were things she tried , she tried everything she could think of , but it always ended with a slamming door , the ornaments rattling on the shelf . Neil was going to a different school ; my mother saw him downtown , holding hands with a short blonde girl , and she walked right past as if she didn 't care at all . Things got worse and worse and teachers called my grandmother in , told her about failed tests , about assignments not completed , and my mother slouched in her chair as much as she dared , stared down at her bitten fingernails . Sometimes , without saying anything , she closed the door and sat at her desk with a pile of textbooks , a pen , but she couldn 't make her mind stay still , she couldn 't make herself care about any of it . On her way to school some days she walked right past while the bell rang , found a place to drink a cup of coffee , sat in a darkened theatre watching anything at all . The theatre was near my grandmother 's office and she thought she might get caught , but she never was . Then one day in the change room a teacher saw the cuts and scars . My grandmother took her to Dr . Orton , who had knotted the sling for her broken collarbone . He looked at them over his glasses , and the next thing my mother knew she was behind a barred window , looking down the hill at the place where her own house was , too far away to see . My grandmother placed notices on bulletin boards at the university and started typing essays and reports and even books , at night and on the weekends . My Uncle John said the tapping kept him awake , so she set up a table in the basement and worried about what was going on in the rest of the house , things she couldn 't hear over the roar of the furnace . She saved enough money for her plan to send my mother to secretarial college , and then she thought that a little extra would be nice to have and she kept on typing , even after she retired , until arthritis twisted her hands . The pages my grandmother typed were sometimes neatly written , but more often terrible scrawls , covered with brackets and arrows and lines scribbled out . For an extra charge she said she would correct spelling and grammar , but she often went ahead and did it anyway . To the end of her life she remembered things she 'd learned from some of those papers . The life cycle of drosophilia and Kepler 's laws of planetary motion . The dates of the Peloponnesian war , the names of Milton 's fallen angels . When my mother came back down the hill she was soft and white and none of her clothes would button , but she refused to go shopping because she thought everyone was looking at her . On her lunch hour my grandmother went to stores and tried to find things that would fit , things she would like . All that summer my mother sat on a chair on the back lawn , sometimes reading , and her hair grew and her skin took on colour and the weight slowly fell away . Sometimes my Uncle John sat on the grass beside her and told her jokes that he 'd heard , and they were so silly that sometimes she laughed out loud . In September she took a bus to the college and the first day was hard but then it got better ; the other girls liked a laugh and a cigarette and sometimes she went out with them on Saturday night . She seemed like her old self , only not so angry , and some nights my grandmother came up from the basement to help her with her work . They started writing shopping lists and nIt didn 't matter that my mother didn 't have much to say , because Charlie did most of the talking . A visit with Marian in California , the job he had selling insurance all over the county , the car he 'd just bought . In those other days Charlie always had cigarettes and rum , and sometimes he drove them to parties or just around , squealing the tires at the corners . Looking at him she remembered all that , and the thrill of racing down a gravel road with the night rushing through the open windows , shrieking when Charlie took his hands off the wheel and ran a black comb through his hair . They went dancing that Saturday , and then on every Saturday , and he still had a flat bottle in his pocket . By the time Ruby had a pull - out couch , a place with an extra room , she heard that her sons ' father had come back with a wife , with a job , looking to make things right . Her aunt wrote that the boys were doing well in school , had friends they would miss , and Ruby told my mother that she didn 't think it fair to make them choose . They came for a visit one cold July , already too old for the things she 'd been planning for so long . Watching them slouch away through the departure gate , Ruby knew that she had no right , knew that however things went , they were already the people she 'd made them by leaving . Charlie remembered my mother as the party girl she had been , and when she 'd had a few drinks she felt like that too . She 'd never much liked rum so she went through the box at the back of my grandmother 's closet and found her father 's silver flask , engraved with his initials , filled it with gin on the weekends . My grandmother never approved of Charlie , even though he sometimes brought her flowers and put up the storm windows , threw a baseball for my Uncle John to hit and took him to games . She was angry when they went to Niagara Falls and came back married , but she bought them a glass punch bowl and ladle and helped my mother box up her things . When my brothers were born Charlie asked for a bigger territory and was on the road for days ; he said they needed the money . Weekends he was home they took the boys to my grandmother and went out to a party or a dance or a bar . Once my mother said she was so tired , couldn 't they just stay in , and Charlie went out without her and didn 't come back until the next afternoon . She started taking the flask with her all the time but it didn 't always help and she felt like she was watching herself , sitting in a smoky room with Charlie 's friends , glasses tipping over and everyone laughing too loudly . One day she fell , carrying Johnny down the concrete steps . Nothing was broken but he had a big bump on his head and she emptied all the bottles and put the flask away at the back of a drawer . Charlie said she was no fun anymore ; they lasted through another year of fighting and making up , but then he took a job in another city and she didn 't go with him . There are always terrible things in the newspaper , even without the stories about bombings and earthquakes that are too long to read right through . So many angry people spraying bullets , doing damage , blaming everyone but themselves . Once my mother and Ruby read about a man who battered his eighty year old brother to death with a steam iron , during an argument about string beans . They wondered about the steam iron , agreed that it didn 't sound like the kind of household where one would be readily to hand . Ruby sometimes tells my mother about a man from her church , a man with a childhood as horrible as any in the paper . His entire body marked and scarred . He told her once that he got through it by inventing another family , a mother and a father and a dog named Chief . A bedroom full of light with model airplanes hanging from the ceiling , moving lazily at the end of their strings when he opened the window for the summer breeze . Some of the people in the newspaper have passed through a string of foster homes but others come from stable , loving families and Ruby must think , sometimes , about all those babies she watched leave the nursery . Wonder if it 's just luck , after all , the way a life turns out . After Charlie left my grandmother tried , but she couldn 't help saying , I told you so . My mother didn 't move back to the house at the base of the hill but they talked on the phone every evening , talked about whether my mother should look for a new job , what colour to paint the kitchen . Sometimes my mother had dialled the last number before she remembered that my grandmother had flown to the coast to visit my Uncle John . Even when she needed special arrangements on the plane my grandmother went once a year , and Uncle John took her to restaurants where everyone knew him , showed her his office on the fortieth floor with the big desk and the black leather chair and introduced her to some of the people who worked for him . My grandmother talked about my mother , told him how she didn 't seem happy , how she couldn 't seem to settle . Moving from job to job for this reason or that , sometimes because men kept touching her . Even the minister at the church , my grandmother said , and you know that couldn 't be . When my Uncle John came back for my grandmother 's funeral it was the first time he 'd seen my mother in years . She surprised him , with her hair short and mostly gray , a thin gold bracelet on her wrist . She was much smaller than he remembered , her voice so soft . His nephews seemed to have turned out well , and introduced him to their wives and children . He sat at a table with my mother when it was all over , holding a glass of white wine , but they didn 't have much to say to each other . On sunny days , if she has time , Ruby wheels my mother to the elevator and out the side door to the little walled garden . She gives her a leaf to hold , to run her fingers over , gives her a flower to smell , as if she was a blind person . Ruby knows my mother is sailing farther and farther into the dark , and she thinks there should be someone waving from the shore . She has a picture in her mind of the woman my mother used to be , still sees glimpses in the way she smooths her hair , in the way she throws her head back when something makes her laugh . That 's always been Ruby 's way ; she makes a picture in her mind and remembers it while she runs a washcloth over a wrinkled arm , spoons soup into a trembling mouth . There is talk of cutbacks again , and Ruby worries that it might be her turn . She knows the head nurse won 't fight to keep her , knows that she costs more than the tight - jean girls , just out of high school or never finished . The last time they talked about it my mother said maybe she should become a grief counsellor , whatever that was . Said they seemed to have plenty of work . That was one of my mother 's good days ; she patted Ruby 's hand and told her a joke someone 's grandson had written in a letter . The thing my Uncle John liked best about his friend Will 's house was the way doors stayed open and not shuddering in their frames . He slept there the night my grandmother put a suitcase in the trunk and slammed it shut , my mother in the front seat with her lips moving behind the closed window . Lying in the bottom bunk with the cowboy sheets pulled up to his chin he said , My sister 's gone away , and I hope she never comes back . When she didn 't come back he was frightened at first , thought that maybe you really could make things happen by wishing . But then he forgot about it and got used to the way things were , the treats my grandmother planned , just for the two of them . After a few weeks , my mother began to write him letters ; they came with a postmark from a place he 'd never heard of . The letters asked if he was being good and helping my grandmother , and there were always two or three jokes she knew ; sometimes they were quite funny and he told them to his friends . Sometimes there were cartoon - like pictures of fat women drawn in the margins but she didn 't say a thing about where she was , what she was doing . Inside each letter was an envelope with Neil 's name on it , his address written with the same loopy letters . My Uncle John was ten years old ; he 'd never given a thought to mailing letters , although he did know that was what he was supposed to do . In his dark room in the quiet house he made a plan and the next afternoon , when my grandmother had gone to lie down , he went through her writing desk , looking for stamps , feeling like a spy in a movie she 'd taken him to . When the next letter came , he put it in a box under his bed , and the ones after that . When there were five or six he went to the vacant lot with a stolen box of matches and watched the paper blacken and shrivel , kicked the ashes until there was only a black smudge on the ground . The place my mother wrote from was an old stone house , on the edge of a town hours away . By the time they got there she was worn out with crying ; when my grandmother left she tried to put her arms around her , but my mother turned away . The girls in the house ate their meals around a long table in the big kitchen , and they had to take turns reading from the Bible before each one . Every morning a thin woman with rows of tight curls came to give them lessons , so they wouldn 't get too far behind in school . The rest of the time they read books with limp covers that were brought by the boxful from the library in town , or knit squares for blankets that were given to the poor . They were allowed to write to their families and my mother tucked in her letters to Neil , and waited . She pictured his long fingers unfolding a map and finding the town , pictured him rolling his parents ' car out of the driveway so they wouldn 't hear it start . Driving through the night to find her . She didn 't know what they would do then , how they would live , but she was sure that when they were together they would figure something out . She thought he would probably arrive just before dawn and she woke early each morning , watched the faded wallpaper appear and listened for a car in the lane . They came from all over the place and sometimes the girls exchanged addresses , but nobody ever got in touch . When their time drew near they had to pack their suitcases , all their things , and when it came they were driven to the hospital in the old green Ford and didn 't come back . Usually there was nothing for the pain , so they would remember . When it was my mother 's turn , Mrs Beech rode with her in the back of the car and said , Squeeze my hand , go ahead , you won 't hurt me . In the hospital it was the middle of the night , all the lamps in the corridors turned down low . The room they took her to had a high table , was full of blinding light , and my mother closed her eyes but that made everything worse . The doctor had tired brown eyes over his mask , a mole on the bridge of his nose . He called her Young Lady and she thought that he would hold her up , but he didn 't look at her again . My mother didn 't exactly tell Ruby about me , but there was something she said one day when they were sitting with the paper . It wasn 't one of her best days but Ruby knew the truth when she heard it , and she stroked my mother 's hand and thought about a hymn her choir sang , the one about laying your burden down . She thought about how laying it down just meant someone else had to pick it up , and for a moment something clenched inside her . Just for a moment and then she opened her mouth to ask but my mother had dropped into sleep , her breath as quiet and easy as a baby 's . They were sitting between the potted trees in the little walled garden and the breeze picked at the pages of the newspaper . Ruby folded it carefully , as flat as she could , and thought about how everyone walked around with their own nuggets of sorrow , how every life shaped itself around them . Through the open door behind her she could hear the sound of brisk voices , the clatter of dishes , and she knew it was time to push my mother 's chair to her place in the pale dining - room , time to make her own way down the hill to the bus stop , to the grocery store , to her meeting . But she closed her eyes and thought that it wouldn 't hurt anyone if the two of them stayed just as they were , for as long as they could . It might have been at night , with the corridor lights turned low , or it might have been broad day , meal carts trundling through the halls and people brushing their hair for visitors . Maybe that part doesn 't matter . But they didn 't let my mother see me , and so she never knew . Maybe I had her own red hair , or maybe dark curls that were always my despair . Maybe I had blue eyes . Maybe there was a house with a piano on a thick blue carpet , or maybe a stale smell and windows that rattled with every train going by . Maybe I sometimes passed her on the street , or maybe I was never anywhere near . Maybe I had a happy life . And maybe I didn 't . Mary Swan is the winner of the 2001 O . Henry Award for short fiction and is the author of The Deep and Other Stories and The Boys in the Trees , a novel . Her work has appeared in several Canadian literary magazines , including the Malahat Review and Best Canadian Stories , as well as American publications such as Harper 's . She lives with her husband and daughter near Toronto . |
I got a phone call from Miranda . That in itself was shocking enough being that we hadn 't talked in three years , but then she told me J was missing . I felt my stomach knot at the mention of her . We had just recently become friends again , and only wednesday she had sent me an email about how she couldn 't be friends with me anymore if I wasn 't going to be there for her when she needed me . I hadn 't responded , I didn 't know what to say . Wasn 't the fact that I had made contact after three years enough to prove I wanted to be friends ? " At home , Mitchell was the closest person to them so he 's on his way . " I despise Mitchell , he 's an ignorant redneck and I could never unstand why J had anything to do with him , much less live with him for 2 years . " So are you coming ? " I wasn 't listening and must have missed something . " Yeah , well , they 'll deal . You know J better than anyone . If anyone is going to find her it will be you . " Flattery , Miranda must be desperate , she doesn 't like me much more than J 's parents . I was driving along thinking about Mark , I 'm always thinking about mark then felt something and hadto pull off on the side of the road . I had a flat tire . Normally I would just call Mitchell and ask him to come save me … but we had broken up a week before and not on good terms . SO I got out to fix it myself . I grabbed the butterfly knife from the console , I don 't even know why I did it . When I got out I felt someone move up behind me . Without thinking I swung the blade out and slashed . I must have caught him , cause I heard a pained noise . Then I felt something hit me in the back , so I swung out again , and heard a little yelp , must not have gotten very deep . The little cuts make you yelp , the big ones grunt . Then It was like my head exploded and nighttime rose up from my skull and as usual my last thought was about Mark . We watched her for a week , to be sure we would get her . She drove by herself , usually there weren 't any other people on the roads when she came by . We thought it would be easy . I ended up needing stitches thanks to that bitch . We had our fun though , we got her back … and front . We got her car , her laptop , her purse , and we fucked her everyway we could . That 's what she gets for cutting us . When I looked ta my phone and saw that it was the kids I almost didn 't answer . It hurt to think of them , much less hear their voices . I might break down if it was willow . Of course it was Miki though and he was freaking out so much I could barely understand him . I finally got him to calm down enough to tell me that his mom wasn 't home . I looked out the bay doors , it was well past time for her to be home . Even if her school had a staff meeting she 'd be hom by now , it was dark . I left work and went to the kids . The girls were fine … Willow was cooking dinner and Kessy was watching TV . Miki , however was not alright . Turns out he had every reason to be upset . I called Miranda and Brain first to ask if they had heard from her . Theyboth said the same thing , not since yesterday . I called J 's mom , but there was no answer , so I called the cops . When we got the phone call , we told the young man that someone has to be missing for 48 hours before we declare them missing . When he explained the situation however , I decided to look into myself . I called her principal and turns out she had left work at 2 : 30 to head home . Problme was no one knew her exact route . One tacher was able to offer information that she did go down tear shirt road , but after that , she wasn 't sure . I decided to go ahead and submit this as a missing person . I know there are moms out there who just abandon their kids , but my gut told me this was not one of them . The truck was spotted headed to raliegh and it was not being driven by a woman . I was out for my evening walk . I lvoe the way the swamp looks when the sun is going down . I had seen the cops out here earlier , but I thought nothing of it . as I was walking I looked down and saw a badge . it was a cops , but a teachers badge for warsaw elementary school . It showed a female teacher with long hair named Jennifer Love . For some strnage reason I kept it . It felt like it was lost and needed to be found . When I returned home I showed my husband . THe look on his face was pure shock . " A woman went missing yesterday bu tht name . Her car , and all her valuables int he car were stolen , but she is no where to be found . Where did you find it ? " When I got the phone call from the Johnsons saying they found Ms . Loves name tag , I went out myself . Mrs . Johnson took me to the place where she found it and in the tall grass beside the road I found severalmore items that looked as if they had been on the car , or in the car . THe theives had been careful to remove all the traces of the owner from the vehicle . I had another of those gut instincts and looked out into the water . I picked up my cell and called the paramedics , we were going to need and ambulance . When she was brought in we were certain she was dead . Whatever had hit her in the back of the head had crushed part of her skull . She had been lying in swamp water for two days and it had gotten below freezing . Some how miraculously her heart was still beating and her brain was still registering and her lungs were still working . She was in a coma , but she was alive . The doctor had all of us together in one room , everyone but the kids . THey had been left outside in the lobby with the television and stale donuts . The doctors told us that she was awake but that she had forgotten everything . She didn 't understand language , she didn 't remember her name , or how to do anything . But she was awake and they wanted to see if she would remember anyone . The doctors began bringing in people . One after the other . They didn 't look real , they looked like dolls or robots . THe first was an older lady , then an old man . THey both looked at me as if I had an answer , but I didn 't even know the question . Then more people came in . A tall man with long hair , a short girl with pretty eyes , another guy who was rather unremarkable looking , tall thin teen with blonde hair . They all looked expectantly at me , but I did not know them and they scared me a little . The door opened one more time . And a guy , not very tall , with dark hair and smokey eyes snuck in . He didn 't look at me like I had the answer , he looked at me like I was the question and I knew he was the answer . I knew the face . even when I was in the darkness I had seen it . when I opened my eyes for the first time today I could still see it . I couldn 't take my eyes off him . I reached my hand out wanting him to come to me . He stepped forward and took my hand . A feeling of bliss rolled from his hand to mine . I touched his face and his hair and knew , beyond a doubt , that there was a scar on his shoulder . I touched him there and he smiled . The door opened again , and angry upset voices , voices of children came in before they did . Three children , a tall boy and two small girls came in the room and though I did not know their names , I knew they were mine . I help my hand out to them as well . They ran to the man and I and we all held each other and they cried . I did not know why , but they cried and I just held them and he held me . Jo and Lu were bored , I do not know where Jo and Lu came from , they were just there , so I guess this isn 't creation from the beginning but it is from the beginning of Jo and Lu 's boredom . Jo and Lu were bored , as we have already established , and they sat across from each other . Jo grabbed a handful of itself , ( Cause they were neither he nor she ) , just scooped out of it 's hands , and made a man . Lu did the same , but it made woman , you see it one - upped Jo , it was the one - up game . Jo , made a dog , Lu made a cat , Jo made a bush , Lu made a tree … it went on this was for a while , Lu one - upping Jo the entire time . They began to run out of things to make . They sat staring at each other and alternately , back at their creations . Lu opened it 's mouth and reached inside to pull out a wet , glowing substance and motioned for Jo to do the same . Lu took both pieces and rolled them together , stretched them out like play - dough ( which neither of them had invented yet ) and let it fall in a silver mist over their creations . Everything came to life , Lu just grinned . Jo seethed , but did not give up . Motioning for Lu to copy , it reached into it 's chest and pulled out a glowing red substance . Jo took both rolled them together , stretched them out like silly putty and let it fall in a red glow over the creation . Some laughed , some cried , so screamed and some froze … Jo had made emotions . I 'm the kind of person who is more comfortable in odd places than " normal " ones . I feel perfectly at home sitiing on this hard industrial tile floor , playing jacks , waiting for the clinic people to call the right name . I don 't know why I 'm playing jacks , it 's just kind of my thing right now , next week it might be something more … normal , for an 18 year old to do … then again , was waiting in an abortion clinic normal ? I heard her named called and I looked over at her stoic face to see if she wanted me with her , she did . I scooped up the handful of metal stars and bounced the ball to catch it and put it away . I walked over to her side and took her hand . I would do anything for my friends . Had this been the fifties , I would have performed the abortion myself if she had asked , even if I had known it was my boyfriends . Of course I didn 't know at the time , but it wouldn 't have mattered . What would have mattered was the fact that Jada didn 't actually like me , but knew a sucker when she saw one . No matter how many times she bailed on me , she knew I would be there for her . But I didn 't know , I only knew that my friend needed me and I had already been here twice before , so I could help her more than someone else . Obviously the other two times weren 't with Jada , she wouldn 't have needed me if that was the case . This was her first time , the last time had been with Jenny and the first time I came was for me . Even that wasn 't the first time I had been in a clinic , just the first time in this one . What I didn 't understand was why she was getting rid of this one , when you have five kids in the family , what 's one more ? None of us had the same dad , I think I was the only one who knew who my dad actually was , and that 's only because he was still around . What did it matter that it was her brothers ? Didn 't brothers and sisters do that kind of thing ? I was 16 when I found out that no , brothers and sisters were not suppose to do that kind of thing , which was why I had come here in the first place . I have been told all the reasons why , I have had it explained by social workers , guidance counselors , doctors , lawyers , but I still don 't fully understand . My brother and my mom were taken away when all this happened . I lived with my dad now and had for two years . My other brothers and sisters went their own way . They don 't talk to me , they say it 's my fault that mom and scott are in jail . I didn 't mean to , I love both of them . The social worker keeps telling me that it 's ok to be mad at them , but I 'm not . It seems to me that if you can 't be " close " to your own family how are you suppose to be " close " with someone you don 't know ? I mean , isn 't your family suppose to teach you how to do things and how to love ? My home life with mom wasn 't perfect , but it wasn 't bad either . She was always protecting me from her boyfriends , if they even looked at me wrong , she dumped them . The police and the social worker say that she should have stopped Scott , but I don 't think she knew . " She needs your contact information so they can call you when I 'm ready to leave . " Right , I was Jada 's pickup person . I drove her here and would drive her home . Another reason Jada wanted to be my friend , I was one of just a few people at our school who had a car . It made me popular , I didn 't like it . I gave my cell number and was told I could leave . I gave Jada a hug and some reassuring words and wondered if our babies would play together when they were both where ever unborn babies go . I hoped mine would show hers the ropes since he was technically older . I walked into the clinic and was wrapped in that feeling of hatred for all things male that permeated every inch of this place . I pushed through the doors and into the bright southern sunlight and the protestors . I just kept my eyes forward and didn 't stop walking no matter what they said to me . I 'd already killed my baby years ago and I hadn 't really been very upset about it . Even thought I had a high IQ , there were certain things I just didn 't get . My truck was parked at the far end of the lot . I didn 't want to take any chances that these guys would decide to get violent and beat my truck with their signs . I stepped up to my Chevy , it was the color of a Pepsi can and sat on weels almost a tall as me … of course I was kinda short . I grabbed the handle , opened the door , stepped onto the running board , hopped inside , and slammed the door closed all in one continuence movement . I don 't know why little acts of grace amazed me like they did , but I always felt so exhilirated every time I did that , like I was an acrobat that had just attempted a daring leap hundreds of feet in the air . I looked around for a second , like I always did , and felt at home . It was the only place I felt at home . On the dash sat my monkey , Mark , he watched me drive and laid flat in that weird way all beanie babies seemes to lay , as if they were going to roll over . I had a tiny buddha sitting on the edge in fron of my speedometer . He only covered up the 5 , and I didn 't think my truck could even go that slow anyway . A necklace my mom had given me hung from my rearview mirror and the seats were covered with an old blanket from my grandmothers house . When she died , my family members squabbled over the few items she had , each trying to get the item worth the most money . I snuck in the house through the back door and stole the quilt . I didn 't think anyone would want it anyway . I was old . I knew it would be a couple of hours before I got the phone call , I wasn 't sure what to do . I could go home , dad wouldn 't be there , I could have the living room all to myself . I would be able to play my " boring " classical music as dad and Thomas called . My boyfriend and my father were very much alike , they both listened to country and rock , they both watched wrestling on TV , neither of them would even think of picking up a book unless it was the manual for their trucks , neither of them would touch me , and they both slept with my friends . It didn 't bother me . I had no intention of marrying Thomas , I don 't even know why I bothered calling him my boyfriend . One day he just said , hey lets be boyfriend and girlfriend and I just said yeah , whatever . Most of the time , that was how I felt about my life anyway , like I really didn 't have any control over it . Like moving in with my dad . It just kind of happened . Suddenly I wasn 't in my mom 's trailer anymore , it was just that simple . I came home from work one time and found my dad and Jenny on the couch fucking . I just walked on by and went and did my homework . If jenny wants to fool around with him , that 's her choice . I guess my dad is good looking . He 's only about 16 years older than me . My mom was about four years older than him . They talked about getting married , he was the only person I had ever heard her talk about marriage with , but his parents had a fit when he told them . When mom got pregnant , his parents made him help take care of me . They were pretty good people , though they wouldn 't have anything to do with me either . Sometimes I felt like a leper , sometimes a ghost . I was once told that I was very forgettable . It seemed right , even if it wasn 't very nice . I think it had been meant as a joke , but it seemed so right , that I never forgot it . So my dad can have sex with my friends and it doesn 't occur to him that I might care . My boyfriend won 't touch me , he 's kinda freaked out about the whole , I slept with my brother for several years thing , but he will sleep with my friends and assumes I don 't care . Why would I ? Truth is , I don 't care . The social worker is convinced that there is soething wrong with me , inside my head , like a sociopath who can kill people and it doesn 't bother them , bu mines the opposite . Anything can happen to me and I really don 't care . Abortion , rape , incest , deaths … none of it affects me . She sayd it 's like I 'm dead inside , but I know I 'm not dead inside . I feel moved by things , I have ideas , I relish the wind in my face when I drive a motorcycle , I crave the adrenaline when I do something dangerous . I remember , one night when I was about 7 out neighbor came to the house . She was bloody and crying and half naked . Someone had broken into her house and raped her . They beat her but didn 't kill her . I opened my bedroom window and crawled out into the dark . I walked over to her house , in the dark , by myself , with a rapist on the loose . It was the first adrenaline rush I remember having . I walked through her house in the dark , waiting for someone to jump out at me , to grab me an throw me to the floor , to put a gun to my head and dare me to scream . Nothing happened , i went home and crawled back in my window five minutes before my mom came to check on me . She was angry for her friend . I was caught later , when the cops came and saw a trail os small bloody footprints leading to my window . I had stepped in the spot where he had beat her and tracked blood back to my house , in the excitement I was feeling I didn 't notice the wetness . My mom almost had a heart attack , I was grounded for weeks until the rapist was caught . I 'm not sure , but there were several night before he was caught that I heard something outside my window . I wondered if he followed the bloody footprint as well . I wasn 't dead inside , I was maybe a little too alive at times . Almsot like I was on overdrive , there were moments when I swore I could feel every hair on my body , I could feel the energy around me and the force of nature as it surrounded me . I could smell the grass grow and hear the wetness of the water . I could taste the insects as they flew by and see the inner workings of the universe . Of course I didn 't say these things to anyone . I had learned early on not to say " That crazy shit " outloud after I had told my mom that the clouds told me secrets . My mom was worried they would take me away from her . I guess she should have been worried about being taken away herself . I cranked up my truck and listened to the reassuring deep hum . The vibrations felt good running through my body and the hum calmed me down more than anything . I backed up and and then pulled out into the road . I would say traffic , but you don 't have traffic in a town like this , just annoying drivers . I still didn 't know where to go . Going home to get comfortable with a good book , some chai tea , and Shostakovich just didn 't sound comforting , knowing I would have to get up and come back soon . I never wanted t go see Thomas . He usually found me . I still didn 't understand why he dated me when I didn 't even like him and he didn 't want to touch me . Didn 't guys date girls so that they could sleep with them ? I would have , not cause I love him but because I will sleep with pretty much anyone if they are interested . I don 't do it for attention , or money , though I wouldn 't turn the money down if it was offered , I do it , just to do it . It 's kind of like research for me . While they are doing what they think they are good at ( Which I haven 't been able to tell any difference in any of them so far ) I watch , and listen , and learn . I learn about the mechanics of sex , I learn about what men think women want , I learn how to move , or what to say to make them think I am having a good time or not having a good time . I play games with them and see if they catch on … they never do . My social worked keeps telling me that she feels sorry for me because I do this . She sayd it 's not the way I 'm suppose to be . I think it 's just not the way she 's suppose to be . I am not trapped by all the rules that she has . I am more free than anyone I know . No one has any control over me and I know this . I am easily manipulated , or so I 'm told , but in all acutality , I am allowing myself to me manipulated . I know what 's going on . I may not get social rules and standards , but I know when someone is using me . I just don 't care . I feel sorry for my social worker . She 'll never have the thrill of breaking into a place just to have sex there , she 'll never spray paint a mural on the side of a train . She 'll never run across the rooftops of downtown , or hang out in the local drug dealers house , or have experiences that will define her as a person , not really . She says I should care about myself more , that I have no respect for myself . She 's wrong . She 's wrong . I drove by Jenny 's house , but it Thomas 's truck was in the driveway . Nope , not going there . I had other friends , but I really didn 't feel like going to see any of them . So I drove , into the country , down a dirt road and turn left under the big oak tree . I parked the truck , rolled down the windows and killed the motor . When I laid my seat just right , all I could see was the topr of the turquoise rye , the bright green of the oak leaves and the brilliant blue sky inbetween . I just laid there feeling the wind and looking out the window . This was my happy place . I never brought anyone here . They would ruin it . See , I knew the social worker was wrong , because I liked me more than anyone . Sure I had depressed moments , more than I wanted to admit at times , and yeah , I had envisioned putting my dads gun into my mouth and pulling the trigger , but I wasn 't going to do it . My main reason for not offing myself … It bothers them more to have me alive . if I was dead , it would be too easy on everyone , so I stay alive . But I also like me . I 'm not one of these people who fit easily into a mold or category . I 'm not easily labeled . I was raised white trash , by a mother who really wanted me to be a star or some kind , and surrounded by people who either couldn 't or didn 't care to better themselves . I was different , i didn 't want to be like them and it seemed , that even the most basic things , affected me differently from them . My brain just didn 't work the same , and I was fine with that . I really didn 't have any respect for anyone around me . I felt like the guardian or the keeper of all these peple most of the time . I had sex with people just to have sex with them . I was friends with people because they needed me to be there friend . I stayed with my dad because it seemes to give him a purpose . I didn 't really have any goals other than I wanted to know more , I wanted to learn more , I just wanted to keep experiencing life and even the social worker with her college degree had stopped experiencing life . I vowed to myself then and there , that I would not stop experiencing life . I got out of my truck , stripped naked and ran to through the field screaming and dancing . I felt the rye all over my body and knew that this was what life was about , not religion or politics or relationships , it was about experiences . I climbed the tree naked and lay on the branch , not caring about the bugs , and touched myself while staring at the sky between the leaves . I was like having sex with the blueness . Have you ever smoked pot ? Not like you 'd answer honestly , people never do . They are either to paranoid from smoking too much and think you 're a narc or they want everyone to think they are a goodie - goodie . Either way , I assume that most people have actually done it at least once , especially if they were in college . It 's kind of a right of passage in college … I digress … . The feeling you get when you are high , the disconnectedness , the loopiness , the complete lack of a grasp on reality … I feel like that , a lot . Not because I smoke so much pot , though I will admit that I have done it , but because my brain is not quite right . I 've known for awhile that there was something wrong , but I hate the doctor . I refused to go , for years . Finally when I realized I was forgetting how to go places I drove every day , I broke down and went . Early onset of Alzheimer 's … When I was little I thought it was pronounced old - timers , but then again I think everyone did . The doc 's said it could be hereditary , that it could be caused by a growth in my brain , or that it could be environmental elements as well . What environmental elements I asked , " Oh , smoking , education , estrogen , aluminum … " I didn 't listen to anymore . My brain went to the aluminum pot that sat in my kitchen cabinet all ding and dented . I 'd eaten from and cooked in that pot my entire life . It was my grandmothers and I believe , her mother before her . My parents were " biggering " types and didn 't believe in keeping old things around … except once in awhile my dad would get sentimental over some things . The pot was one of them . Even though my mother had bought all new shiny pots and pans we still held onto this one old dented pot and we always cooked rice in it . Sometimes the little field pees that we picked and shelled ourselves would be made in that pot , and I will swear on the good book that they are better when made in that little aluminum pot . Now though , now the pot sits atop my bookcase filed with potpourri . I took it out of the cabinet as soon as I got home from the doctor . The kids thought I was cooking and just shook their heads when I filled it with the sweet smelling stuff and put it on the shelf . Crazy mom , doesn 't know what she 's doing again . They 'll leave it there though . Until we need to use a pot to cook with and I forget why it 's up there in the first place and get it down to cook some rice … or maybe some little field pees . I hear the reassuring whir of the chamber spinning and get into my car . It is a safe ride to work and I win again . I play the odds at times and drive faster than I should . Spinning the chamber , I go to pass a Mac truck , it was a close one this time . pretty sure the bullet was right there . The chamber spins as pull into the parking lot of the middle school . One of these day a real gun will be pointed at my head in this parking lot , those are the kind of kids I teach . We sit in the meetings watching the " lock down " video and going over the steps if we ever have to have on … again . One gun on campus and two bomb threats . One day this school will finish my game of Russian Roulette that I play every day . We all play every day . every little thing we do is just another spin of the chamber . The only difference is the size of the chamber for each thing . Smokers have less numbers , race car drivers ever fewer . Then again there are those people who never did anything wrong and their bullet gets them in the temple one night at home walking down the stairs or taking a shower . Click here to edit contents of this page . Click here to toggle editing of individual sections of the page ( if possible ) . Watch headings for an " edit " link when available . Append content without editing the whole page source . Check out how this page has evolved in the past . If you want to discuss contents of this page - this is the easiest way to do it . View and manage file attachments for this page . A few useful tools to manage this Site . See pages that link to and include this page . Change the name ( also URL address , possibly the category ) of the page . View wiki source for this page without editing . View / set parent page ( used for creating breadcrumbs and structured layout ) . Notify administrators if there is objectionable content in this page . Something does not work as expected ? Find out what you can do . General Wikidot . com documentation and help section . Wikidot . com Terms of Service - what you can , what you should not etc . Wikidot . com Privacy Policy . |
A cold winter wind blew and beat against the small town houses in Cornwall , England . Inside the houses warm fires lit the tiny windows . November had always been a gloomy and dreary month for Brielle , but now it seemed even darker since the death of her mother a few days ago . She had spent the last two nights just as she would spend this night ; crying her heart out over the loss of her dearest friend . Her pillow was drenched , her eyes sunken in and bright red , her face as pale as the new fallen snow outside . Her mother was everything to Brielle . She had grown up without a father , which mad her mother all the more important and irreplaceable to her . As Brielle lay on her bed with a crushed and broken heart a thought came to her . She stopped crying so hard and sat up ( which helped ease the pain in her chest a little ) . She would leave . She had to escape ! Escape all the memories this little house brought her , all her mother 's friends and relatives , all the questions , inquiries , and pity scenes that lay ahead if she were to stay . Yes , she would go , but where to ? Cornwall had always been her home and rarely had she traveled far from it . The only time she had actually left the country was when she , her mother and an old acquaintance had visited and toured a Lucerne , Switzerland , a quiet smaller city nestled in the mountains of the Swiss Alps . Surrounded by an enormous lake and beautiful scenery what could be a better " get away " ? Brielle lay back down sniffling and trying to clear her thoughts . She was tired of crying and tired of thinking . She wiped her eyes roughly and blinked hard . Her cheeks were hot and giving her a headache so she got up , walked to the window in her bedroom , put one of her cheeks on the cold pane and looked outside . The lights in the town shone brightly and warmed her heart . It wouldn 't be easy to leave her childhood home . Everything would be so different , yet , Brielle had a feeling that her time here in Cornwall had run its course . Brielle breathed a heavy sigh and her breath fogged up the glass . She smiled , tilted her head and drew a heart with her thin finger . The steam on the glass smeared away and Brielle was left with her own reflection in the glass . She stopped smiling and pushed back her long bangs out of her face . 4 weeks later found Brielle walking down a familiar road near the train station in Lucerne Austria . The snow fell gently and in giant flakes decorating the quaint little houses and shops . The streets smelled of mountain air mixed with fresh baked goods and hot drinks . Brielle had arranged to stay at a small boarding house near the edge of town . She had stayed in contact with the owner throughout the weeks . The house overlooked the lake and faced a mountainous slope . When Brielle arrived she immediately felt at home ! The house was made out of cobblestones and the roof was high and slanting at both sides . The door was a colorful teal blue and there was smoke coming from the chimney . The house was situated inside a white picket fenced yard . At the entrance to the yard was a black trellis with climbing green ivy luminous against the white snow that covered the roof and yard . Snow was still falling and the cold air nipped at Brielle 's nose . She stood in front of the trellis looking up at the gray sky . The snowflakes fell on her long auburn hair and eyelashes . Brielle 's lip quivered as thoughts of her mother shot through her mind but she quickly pushed them aside and stood up straighter . As Brielle crossed the threshold of her new home she imagined herself crossing the threshold of a new life . No longer a child but a woman . Spring in Switzerland was unlike anything Brielle had seen before . The mountain sides were emerald green sprinkled with dots of pink , purple and red wild flowers . The pine trees released a powerful scent that filled her with the desire to climb a hillside and bask in the warmth of the pale spring sun . Birds sang , children frolicked the hillsides on their free time and their laughter was carried in the crisp wind to the ears of the peaceful towns people . Women hung their clothes out to dry just for the fun of it and cleaned their houses to match the freshness that spring brought to the little town . Each time Brielle stepped outside she caught a wisp of joy and a smile broke out on her lips . Brielle had busied herself with a job at a florist shop near the lake . It was a small salary but Brielle didn 't need much anyway . Besides , she loved working with plants ; especially flowers . On her way home from work each day Brielle stopped at her favorite bakery to order her " usual " : a hot mint tea and a blueberry croissant . Yes , Brielle was adapting well to her new home ; already familiar with the streets and shops and even some of the towns people . Brielle 's favorite day of the week was Sunday . She attended an old fashioned baptist church and would sing hymns . Her mother loved singing hymns and Brielle felt her mother 's presence every time she sang one . On Sunday afternoons she would take walks to talk to God and clear her mind . Sometimes she would wander the pretty streets of Lucerne and gaze in shop windows . However , most of the time Brielle took a dirt path up the mountain near the boarding house where she lived . The path wound along the foot of the mountain before climbing up the side of it to an edge that overlooked the whole city . Here Brielle sat on a large stone and listened quietly to all the sounds around her . She heard the bustling town below full of people , trains and cars . She heard woodland animals making noise behind and above her . A rustle in some leaves , a bird trying to impress Brielle with his voice and squirrels chattering and scurrying up and down the trees near her resting place . Brielle cherished these walks and eagerly awaited them each Sunday . As the towns people in Lucerne got to know Brielle they began forming their own opinions about her ( as all good people tend to do ) . Some would describe her as a lonely girl , a mysterious or inward girl . Just listen to one of the conversations that took place between a group of ladies who couldn 't help but gossip about the " new girl " . " Well , " said a long necked woman , " I think she has a secret to hide . She may look all high and mighty but it may be just a front ! Mark my words , she 's up to no good - I 've been observing her " she whispered behind her hand . All the ladies in the room laughed at this remark . Tilly straightened up in her chair and threw a hot glance at Megan . Then another woman pitched in . " What do you say Karol ? You know her better than any of us I suppose . You live with her ! " Megan prodded , addressing Brielle 's boarding - mate ( for they lived in the same boarding house together ) . " Hmm , " Karol started slowly with each woman hanging on the edge of their seats to hear this response . " She seems very dignified … and sort of … I don 't know , solitary I guess . " " She doesn 't stay long for dinner . She always resigns to her room as soon as possible in the evenings . She leaves earlier than she actually needs to , to get to her work . Probably just to avoid any kind of conversation with the other tenants and I . That 's what I think anyways . " Karol paused several times during this description to take sips of her tea and bites of cake , much to the annoyance of the rest of the company . " I don 't think it really matters what Brielle does or doesn 't say . " Megan blurted out defensively . She had never liked a one sided conversation no matter who it was about . " None of us has actually taken the time to try and get to know her so I don 't think any of our opinions should be hurled around behind her back . " rude , stingy or shy . She just wanted a few years to herself and God . For this reason , she had no intention of making new friends ; at least for the time being . One day while Brielle began walking home from work she decided to take a short walk up the mountain before dinner . It was a cloudy day in November and Brielle thought it would be refreshing . She would prefer a cloudy blustery day to a sunny day any time . The air was beginning to grow cold and brisk as she began her accent up the mountain . Thoughts of the past year and of her old home in Cornwall swirled in Brielle 's mind as she walked . Her jeans made a rustling noise mixed with the sound of leaves being crunched beneath her feet . Brielle soon found a place to rest . She sat down near the edge of the mountain and looked out . Such peace . Such tranquility . Brielle loved being outside , she couldn 't imagine life without these mountains that she had come to know and love so well . On her way back down the mountain Brielle neared a sharp turn in the path that went around the side of the cliff . She was a good 40 ft above the bottom of the slope . Suddenly it began pouring rain . Within a matter of seconds Brielle was drenched . As she rounded the corner the path got thinner and thinner . In fact it was so thin that it was only a few feet wide . On one side was the mountain - on the other a drop off of the mountain . Brielle had passed this corner before but this time was different . A great fear welled up inside Brielle 's chest . She took a deep breath , put her back against the side of the mountain and began walking sideways to get around the corner . The rain poured so heavily that it stung Brielle 's bare neck . She clung to the mountainside with both hands as she scooted by . Suddenly Brielle 's foot slipped in the wet mud . Before she could catch her balance or see what was happening , Brielle felt herself slipping over the side of the cliff . She let out a loud scream and flung her arms wildly on the muddy ground and her hand caught onto the cliffs edge just before she fell off completely . Dangling on the side of the mountain , Brielle felt herself shaking from fear . She tried pulling herself up but she wasn 't very strong and almost fell again . The rain kept pouring and stung her eyes and face . Brielle felt cold and so scared that she couldn 't breathe . She closed her eyes and imagined the worst . Then , just as she began to let go , she felt a strong hand clasp around one of hers . She heard a loud voice somewhere in the distance , " Hold on and don 't look down ! " Brielle opened her eyes and saw a man 's face looking into hers . Everything happened so quickly . With a hard jerk on her arm , Brielle felt herself being lifted up . Then , poor Brielle fainted . Everything went black and cold in Brielle 's mind . The man who had indeed saved her , held Brielle in his arms and carried her slowly around the dreaded corner and to a safe resting place on the trail . Here , he laid her down and fearfully studied her face . He checked her heartbeat and listened to her breathing patterns . The rain did not cease all this time ; instead it gushed forth all the more tirelessly pressing on the two victims . The man shaded Brielle 's face with his coat leaning over her on his hands and knees to keep her face out of the rain . Brielle fluttered her eyes open and squinted from the drops of rain falling on her face ( regardless of the strange coat hanging over her ) . She looked at the man 's face so near to hers then relapsed into her state of unconsciousness and shock . Relieved knowing that Brielle had only fainted , the man again picked her up and began the decent down the mountain . When Brielle awoke again she was in a hospital . A doctor was leaning over some paper work on the counter in front of her . Everything was white and smelled sterilized . Brielle tried to sit up but a shocking pain went to her head . She groaned loudly and lay back down . The doctor , hearing this , went to her side and smiled . " Well , that 's to be expected . You almost fell off of Gliders Cliff then you fainted . Being unconscious like that can put a big strain on one 's head . " " Crispin brought you in . He 's my nephew . He told me that he was coming down the mountain from hunting when he heard you screaming . " The doctor gently patted Brielle 's hand and went back to the counter where he had been working . Brielle 's eyebrows creased in and she let a hot anger take over her eyes and facial expression . Now she remembered a man . Someone had carried her down the mountain . How embarrassing ! Brielle couldn 't think clearly so she stopped trying . After a while she sat up and this time her head didn 't hurt as bad . " Let me check your order here . " The nurse replied picking up the doctors file on the counter for Brielle . " It looks like the doctor wants to send you home with some aspirin , and then you can go whenever you like . " The nurse smiled and set the file down . " Can I get you anything ? " She asked politely . " No , " Brielle replied laying back down . " Yes , I did , " Brielle replied . " But I was wondering , uhm , uh . " Brielle looked down , she hated being at a loss for words ! " Your nephew , uh , what did you say his name was ? " She finally got out . " I just wanted to thank him for saving my life , " Brielle recomposed herself . " I was terrified sir , I thought I … I mean I didn 't … " She sighed and looked down at her shoes again . " I was just really scared . " Brielle 's eyes welled up with tears and her face grew pale . " I understand dear " The doctor said reassuringly . He lifted her chin in his hands . He smiled at Brielle and said softly , " Crispin is at work right now but if you 'd like to meet him I could give him your address and send him to visit if you like . " He paused and Brielle looked down again . " Or vice versa , I could give you his address . " The doctor said quickly . " Of course ! " The doctor handed Brielle his notepad and she scribbled down her address then returned the pad to the doctor . He studied it and smiled . " He 'll be there tomorrow around 3 o ' clock . Is that agreeable for you ? " " No , I 'll take care of it . Thank you doctor . " Brielle said goodbye and left the hospital . She whistled for a cab , hopped in and gave the driver her address . Brielle had felt embarrassed and scared all at the same time . She couldn 't figure out what she felt like . She couldn 't focus on just one thing that took place that day without getting her thoughts all jumbled up . So she stood up , grabbed a cup of tea downstairs and went to bed . Brielle skipped work the next day . She was so nervous about Crispin 's visit . What would she say ? How could she thank him properly without everything turning into an awkward situation ? Brielle played several scenarios in her mind where everything turned out perfectly and made her look incredibly smart , sensible and polite . But she knew all too well that neither character in her scenario would follow her script . They never do . 3 o ' clock came a lot quicker then Brielle would have liked . She had kept looking out the window to see if Crispin was coming around the corner . Brielle checked herself in the mirror . Plain sweater and jeans , really ? Should she wear a dress ? NO ! Then it would look like she had put effort into preparing for his visit . She needed to look and act casual . Maybe she should put her hair up . It looked plain falling over her shoulders . " Oh well ! " She thought angrily to herself . Brielle turned furiously away from the mirror . " Decisions , decisions , who cares ! That 's what mom used to say . " She told herself out loud . Brielle sighed and drummed her nails on the bureau . " I care ! " she stated . Then the door bell rang . " Too late ! " She thought . Then she panicked . Her heart raced and her hands shook violently . She picked up the books on her table as if she had been busy trying to convince herself that she was acting normal . Then she threw the books on her bed very much annoyed with herself . " Ok , here it goes . " Brielle walked downstairs and saw that the landlady had not answered the door yet . " Perfect " . Brielle said sarcastically and rolled her eyes . As a matter of fact , Brielle could not see or hear anyone in or around any of the adjoining rooms . She sighed heavily , straightened her shirt and opened the door . At first the man had his back turned looking out over the scenery , then he whirled around and faced Brielle . His face was unforgettable . His bluish - green eyes shown brilliantly portraying an intelligent , deep mind behind them . His face had very defined features , handsome and strong yet soothing and polite . His smile was the most definitive though . It was one of those smiles that when you see them you just know . You 're so sure of yourself , of the moment and of the person with the smile . There was nothing fake about him ; nothing hidden . He was life itself staring Brielle in the face . It warmed her to the core and made her feel strong and happy . Crispin was a shadow of something that Brielle was missing but that she hadn 't known she was missing it till she 'd seen him ; something that sparked her with life . " I 'd love too . " Crispin gently brushed past Brielle who held the door open . She let out a breath of air and closed the front door . Brielle turned and smiled both politely and shyly at Crispin . " I don 't think we 've officially met or introduced ourselves . I 'm Brielle Kingsbury . " Brielle extended her hand to shake Crispin 's . " Alright , then you must call me Crispin or Cris . No one can pronounce my last name nor seem to understand my first . " Crispin too let out a laugh and sat down on a sofa . " Sir , " Brielle said , looking Crispin full in the face . " I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving my life . I am extremely grateful and owe you a debt that I could never repay . " Brielle began reciting from memory her " imaginary script " of how to thank Crispin . Then it happened . The more Brielle stared into Crispin 's eyes while trying to be sincere , the more agitated and jumbled up her script became . His eyes captivated her senses , disturbed her train of thought and tore down all her barriers that she 'd built to keep people out and from forming attachments to . So , naturally , her words came out just as distorted as her emotions were . " So , I wanted to see you , I mean , to uhm , say that I … I c . c . can 't th , th , thank you . I . . Ugh ! " She was so embarrassed . How could her emotions be so mean as to betray her ? ! Brielle lowered her eyes and stared at the ground . She felt like screaming , and possibly throwing something . Crispin continued . " I was very scared myself you know . But it 's over and inviting me here is thanks enough . " Now he turned to see what Brielle was doing . She was still looking down . Eventually she looked up and around the room . Brielle had recomposed herself and was ready to change the subject before she ruined Crispin 's entire image of her . " Ah , ha ! " Crispin laughed . " Well you see … " He began and walked back to the sofa across from Brielle . Brielle began fidgeting with her fingers again . " My mother was Italian , hence the name Crispin and my father was Italian too but his family was from a long line of Frenchmen . The name Rouillard goes way , way back in the history of France ! " Crispin straightened up proudly but teasingly . He smiled at Brielle then asked , " But what about you ? Do you have family here ? " " Well , I never had a father , growing up that is . But my mother was very dear to me . She died just a little over a year ago . " Brielle , after saying this , immediately stood up and turned away from Crispin to hide the pain she was feeling at remembering her mother . She shut her eyes as tight as she could to hold back any tear that might try to escape . " I 'm sorry Brielle . " She heard Crispin say . He walked toward her a few paces hoping to somehow comfort her but stopped shortly . " My mother died when I was eight . I never ever forgot or stopped missing her . " Crispin said softly . " Yes . " Then the room was quiet for a little while . " Well , " Crispin broke the silence . " I 've got some chores to get done for my aunt . I don 't want to keep you all day . " He said , picking up his coat that was on the couch . " No , no , it 's fine really . I promised my aunt that I 'd be able to help this afternoon . But thank you for having me . " Crispin said on his way to the door . " You too , " Brielle replied shyly while smiling up at Crispin . His loose curly hair blew in the wind from the open door . His smile calmed Brielle 's pounding heart and made her feel safe . Then , he left . He walked out the door , down the sidewalk and turned around the corner to the left . Brielle shut the door , ran to her room , threw herself on her bed and cried . She hated crying but she couldn 't help it . She was in love . An agonizing week went by for Brielle . She knew nothing about this man who had stolen her heart . She didn 't know his family , his character traits or his beliefs ! But worst of all she hadn 't seen him for a week . Each time she walked to work she hoped to see his face somewhere amongst the crowds in the streets . When she walked past the hospital where Crispin 's uncle worked she strained her eyes to see him near the door . But the week pressed on as weeks have a tendency of doing . When there is something you are looking forward to , or expecting , the weeks don 't seem to care . They bring forth day after day without pausing . In Brielle 's tragic love case , the days that she didn 't see Crispin lasted the longest . Time wore on . Days were years to the poor love struck girl . She now recognized that her life was in fact , missing something . But being near Crispin that day had filled that missing mysterious void . When would she see him again ? Then Brielle heard of a Christmas parade that would take place one week before Christmas . The only reason Brielle decided to go was in hopes of " accidently " seeing Crispin there . But she had many second thoughts about going . After all , she didn 't know anyone there and the thought of being alone in a big crowd scared her . Still , she went . Walking among the crowds wasn 't as bad as Brielle thought it would be . She watched some floats go by , walked in and out of some stores , and basically just wandered about . The Christmas lights in all the shop windows sparkled and snowflakes fell on Brielle as she stood alone on one of the empty streets . Brielle smiled and breathed in the moment . It felt magical to her . All alone under the street lamp she stood , staring up at the huge snowflakes magnified under the lamplight . Then she thought to herself that she would have enjoyed the moment even better if Crispin were there with her . " Oh , you are so sentimental and weird ! " Brielle shook her head at herself and began walking across the empty street . She jumped a puddle , skipped over a few sidewalks and joined the crowd watching the parade . " What 's that ? " Crispin mimicked Brielle trying to tease her . Brielle pursed her lips together and lightly punched Crispin on the arm to get him back . The two talked for a few minutes while the loud parade went on . Soon Crispin stopped talking and looked into Brielle 's face . Then a twinkle came to his eyes when he suddenly said , " Come with me I want to show you something ! " Before Brielle could answer , Crispin took her by the hand and led her through the crowds and right down to the lake a few blocks away from the parade . Crispin let go of Brielle 's hand and walked over to a shack that was near the shore . He unlocked the door , went inside and came back out with a canoe ! " I thought so . " Crispin smiled to himself while bending over the canoe checking to see if they had everything needed . " Well , we might tip you know and I don 't want to have to save you ! " He turned and smiled at Brielle devilishly . By now Brielle had guessed that he was joking again and laughed at herself . Brielle caught herself whole heartedly laughing for the first time since her mother died . A lot was changing now since she had met Crispin . It felt wonderful . She finally felt joy emanating through her face . Crispin noticed it too but chose not to say anything ; instead he made light of his little joke . " I 'm just kidding ! I saved you once remember ? I 'd do it again if I had to . " He said while turning back to preparing the canoe . them out to deeper water . He climbed in the boat with his wet pants and shoes and Brielle screamed " Ah ! You 're freezing ! " They laughed and dried off with the towels Crispin packed then started paddling out to deeper water together . " Oh . " Brielle pulled out the light and shined it in the water that they were gently gliding over . Soon they came to a stop about 80 feet off shore . Brielle set the flashlight in the middle of her and Crispin on the bottom of the canoe . The light illuminated both of their smiling faces . " Wait for it … " Crispin said while looking at his wrist watch . Brielle looked around nervously . Then suddenly , fireworks exploded overhead ! Pinks , blues , reds and gold shimmered in Brielle 's eyes and reflected in the water below them . Brielle couldn 't say anything . She was so happy and surprised . As Brielle watched the beautiful array of colors in the sky Crispin was watching Brielle 's face . She was beautiful . Her cheeks were perfectly set with pink dimples . Her lips were curved with delicate perfection and her eyes were glorious . Her curled hair fell loosely over her slender shoulders and complimented her defined cheek bones . Seeing Brielle happy brought Crispin an unexplainable joy . It was like showing a child a birthday present or experiencing spring after a long winter for the very first time . He felt like this was what he was meant to do his whole life . Suddenly Brielle stopped watching the fireworks and looked at Crispin . When Crispin and Brielle returned after the firework show Brielle said she had to go home . They stood on the shore and were about to say goodbye when Crispin said " I know how lonely it is to have to struggle alone . " Brielle gasped at hearing those words and tears choked in her throat . That is what she had been feeling all this year . She was alone and she fought her emotions alone , she fought her financial battles alone , she fought everything alone and everything felt like a fight . Brielle and Crispin said goodbye . Brielle grabbed her backpack and left quickly and a little embarrassed . He really knew how to hit a soft spot hard didn 't he ? Brielle thought to herself on the way home . She thought that she was good at hiding emotions but apparently not from Crispin ! She smiled thinking about what he had said . He was so sweet ! He was trying to help her . Brielle closed her eyes and squeezed her backpack . Was this what she 'd waited for her whole life ? Love . It sure felt like it . Her heart was bursting with happiness . She decided to walk home instead of taking a cab . She liked to be alone with her thoughts and innocent day dreams even though it was cold . Christmas came and went before Brielle saw Crispin again . She had worked all that past week before Christmas then attended a Christmas party that her landlady , Mrs . Hatteras , had hosted in the boarding home . It was another lonely Christmas . Brielle could have gone back to Cornwall to visit old friends and family but didn 't have the finances . She enjoyed the party as much as possible and decided to just focus on Christ 's birth instead of all the things she couldn 't have or do . " It was great ! I stayed at my uncle 's and my dad came over . " Crispin put his hands in his pockets and leaned up against the building they were standing next to . " How was yours ? " " That 's nice . Mine was ok . I just live at that boarding house you know … and I don 't really know anyone there so … " Brielle cut her sentence short and decided to leave it at that . " Man , does this guy have no boundaries to asking personal questions about other people 's lives ? " Brielle thought to herself . She sighed heavily and looked down hoping , by doing so , to gain an apology from Crispin for prying . But none came . " Wow " . " Yes , " Crispin was the one who looked down this time . " You want to get a cup of coffee somewhere and I 'll explain ? " He looked up and asked . " Oh … I was . . I mean um … Ok why not ? " Brielle laughed away her stuttering and Crispin took the books that Brielle was going to take to the library . He carried the books and they walked along side each other on the way to " Alpine Café " , a quaint little restaurant in town . On the way , Brielle exclaimed " You got a haircut ! " And he did . His light brown / blondish curly hair was cut to a medium short length instead of the long wispy cut he had had before . For the first time it seemed like , Brielle began noticing little details about Crispin . He was a very simple young man . He wore jeans and flannels , he dressed casually but neatly . His face had a rugged manly look and he always carried a sense of pride with him . His eyes were so sweet and smooth though and showed his soft side . " Oh , oh yes ! " Brielle laughed at herself and apologized . " I 'd like your hair any way you have it Crispin , as long as you don 't buzz it . I can 't stand that on a boy ! " Brielle rolled her eyes and shook her head . Then they talked about the weather , guessed what the next holiday decorations would be , and what kind of coffee each other liked and so on . Soon they arrived and chose a table near the big window to sit at . The two ordered mochas and chocolate cookies . Then sat and discussed little subjects together . They talked about their jobs . Crispin worked for a construction company and wanted to save up for college . He wanted to work with his uncle at the hospital and would work his way through college . Brielle told Crispin where she worked and he said the job suited her , Then Crispin set his cup down and folded his arms across the table . Before he began what they 'd came here to hear " explained " Brielle interrupted the moment . " Well , what did you want to explain ? " She took a loud bite out of her cookie trying to be silly . " Well , I think you would have helped by being there because my dad is a very hard hearted man . Ever since my mom died he 's been cruel , unloving and just … mean . He blames me most of the time for his anger . He wishes I were richer , or that I had a better paying job . He thinks I 'm reckless and self - centered . He 's always yelling at me to be better and smarter and richer . Just yesterday he told me I was pathetic and a waste . " " A waste of everything I guess ! " Crispin covered his hands in his face . " Maybe if you were there he wouldn 't have been mad at me . " Brielle felt hurt for Crispin . She looked around and tried to think of some way to help . She slowly reached out and put her hand on his arm . Crispin looked up ; his eyes were red and his face was hard and sad . Walking along , Brielle stopped in front of an old fashioned general store . She turned to Crispin , " Do you have any matches on you ? " Crispin creased his eyebrows and looked at Brielle as if she were a little crazy . " Just do it Crispin ! " Brielle grabbed a shopping basket near the door of the store then disappeared inside . Crispin shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment and went inside to buy the matches . An hour later found the two friends hiking up one of the mountains on the east side of town . They didn 't talk very much . Brielle felt like she was in charge , leading the way and Crispin followed behind her smirking . They reached a place where the slope leveled off and the ground wasn 't inclined as much . Here Brielle left the well trodden path and walked directly into the woods . Crispin raised his eyebrows at this but followed along anyway . Soon they came to a clearing in the woods . There were three tree stumps that had been used for seats that were situated around what looked to be a campfire . " It 's on the map . You know … the trail map ? There was a sign on one of the trees back there on the path too . " " Wow , " Crispin looked down and scratched his head . " I 've lived here almost my whole life and have never noticed that before . My uncle used to take me hiking up here all the time . " " That 's why I had you get matches silly ! And the wood is all over the place . " Brielle pointed , implying that Crispin start building a fire . Brielle looked at him with a demanding look . " Hurry up I 'm hungry ! " She ordered . Crispin built a magnificent fire and helped Brielle cook the hot dogs . They laughed and talked while they ate . They exchanged old childhood stories and talked about their families and old friends and about school and problems they 'd faced in their short lifetimes . Brielle stood up and looked at the stars twinkling against the now black sky . It was a clear night and there wasn 't much snow on the ground . The fire crackled and the pine trees let off a strong mountainy aroma . The clear sky promised a sunny day on the marrow . In addition to all this beauty there was a full luminous moon that night . It illuminated the trees and threw light on the distant mountains . It gave a sparkling light to the two friends as they looked up upon it that night . the moon to be patient and wait its turn . They will each have their own time to shine . ' " Brielle turned to Crispin . " You will have your time to shine too Crispin . Don 't be discouraged about what your dad tells you , but don 't disrespect him either . Try to have patience with him . There 's a light in you Crispin , I 've seen it ever since I met you . Don 't lose that . " Brielle looked down and rubbed her boot in the dirt . Maybe she had said too much . But when she looked up again Crispin was looking down too with his right arm in his other hand . Then he looked up with a twinkle in his eye and said quietly " thank you Brielle . " The he walked up to Brielle and hugged her gently . Brielle felt her heart beating faster and closed her eyes trying to fight back the tears . She 'd forgotten what it felt like to be hugged by someone she cared about . After they cleaned up Brielle and Crispin walked back to town talking and using their cell phones for flashlights . They talked about Brielle 's job as a florist and about Crispin 's job as a construction worker . Then they arrived at Brielle 's home . They said goodnight and Brielle waved goodbye as Crispin walked out of sight around the corner . The next few months were slow and quiet . Brielle and Crispin saw each other once in a while but both were busy with work . Sometimes they would run into each other in town or at social events but never planned anything together . New years bring all sorts of work and business to try and make up for lost time over the holidays . So Crispin didn 't have many chances to see Brielle . They hoped that in the summer things would slow down and they might have some more adventures together . But then Brielle got a phone call in April . It was from her aunt Lydia who wanted to pay for Brielle to " come and spend the summer in Cornwall . " How could Brielle refuse ? Her family hadn 't seen her for almost 2 years and they were all pushing for her to visit . Plus her trip was to be paid for . She had no excuses not to go . So Brielle made her plans to leave in June for Cornwall and would return to Lucerne in mid - September . Brielle had been hoping to see a lot of Crispin in the summer . But did Crispin feel the same ? Was he hoping to see more of her too ? Would he miss her while she was gone ? After all , they had only seen each other on a few occasions . Was she alone in her feelings of love for Crispin or did he love her back ? She didn 't know . Brielle had thought the same questions and ponderings many times before . But just like everything else in her life , Brielle would have to entrust the matter to God . So on June 7th , Brielle left her dear mountains and beautiful lake and left for Cornwall England . She had told Crispin that she was leaving but it was a very brief conversation . Crispin was on his way somewhere and wanted " to stay and talk " but just couldn 't . He said he was sorry to see her leave but was glad that she could see her family again . Brielle was disappointed with their parting but had to bear with it . There was nothing she could do now . So , just like that , Brielle left Lucerne . " Yes , I am . Thank you . " She replied . The two of these ladies were sitting on her aunt 's patio in a garden on a hot summer day in July . The countryside was beautiful this time of year but Brielle missed her home in the Alps . Her aunt Lydia talked and talked about the latest news in Cornwall , pounded Brielle with questions about Lucerne and whined about the heat . It was easy for Brielle to zone out and retreat to her own thoughts . The last month of Brielle 's visit had consisted of long afternoons with her aunt , visiting old relatives , attending church events , summer potlucks and meeting new friends introduced by old ones . Rarely did Brielle get to spend any time alone . But she didn 't mind . Staying busy helped to keep her mind off of missing Lucerne and Crispin . Brielle looked up . " Cherry ! " She screamed . Brielle ran over to her friend and hugged her tightly . Both girls were squealing and trying to talk at the same time . Cherry had been away at college for 3 years but both had been good friends for such a long time that it only took seconds to rekindle their old friendship . They decided to take a walk together and have a long conversation so that they could catch up on each other 's lives . Brielle stopped walking and looked at her friend in amazement . " Oh wow ! " She was short of breath . " To who ? " She was too happy to share in her friend 's excitement yet . " To a boy I met in college , his name is George Mansfield . " Cherry said quickly and still smiling as big as she could . Brielle grabbed her and laughed and the two girls hugged until Cherry wanted to show Brielle her ring . It glittered in the sun and they talked about its quality and about how George had proposed . Then they went over the wedding details . " Good . I 'll need all your help and of course you 'll have to be here to pick out your maid of honor gown ! " Cherry clasped Brielle 's hand . " You will stand with me , won 't you Brielle ? " " Of course I will Cherry . " The two friends hugged again and held hands as they continued their walk . They went on talking about the wedding and about George , his job , family , and about how wonderful he was . As they neared Brielle 's aunts house on their way back Cherry looked at Brielle and asked ; " So , have you met anyone in Lucerne ? " She smiled and threw a mischievous glance at Brielle . " Yes you are ! But that 's beside the point . I meant have you met anyone special … like a guy ? " Cherry drew out the last word as if the only way to get Brielle to answer was by interrogation . Brielle enjoyed herself now that her friend was in town in the weeks that followed . They went shopping almost every day for wedding supplies and planned and planned for Cherry 's big day . They lunched together and took turns spending the night at each other 's houses . Brielle met George , Cherry 's fiancé . She liked him , but each time she was around him or talked with him it only made her miss Crispin all the more . She missed his smiling face and fun conversations ; she even missed being teased by him . But it was no use . Brielle would have to wait out the rest of her visit in Cornwall . So she stayed as busy as possible . One weekend , Brielle , her aunt Lydia , Cherry , ad Cherry 's mother Lucien decided to take a weekend trip to the coast . It was only a 40 minute drive from Cornwall to the Chanel . The ladies were able to wind down from all the pressure of the wedding . They stayed in a beautiful cottage near the ocean . Brielle walked along the shore and listened to the waves crashing against the sand . Her thoughts swirled and tumbled in her mind . Thoughts of Crispin and her future bothered Brielle . What was she going to do with her life ? She couldn 't work at a florist shop and live in a boarding house forever . She needed to decide where this was all going . She knew that she wanted to marry and settle down with a family but who knew when that would happen . That 's when Crispin came to mind . Brielle loved him . She really , truly loved him . True love , if it really is true , isn 't a fantasy . It 's real , it 's tangible , it 's long lasting and never fading . But did Crispin feel the same way ? Was he in as much love as she was ? How could she tell ? How was she to know ? Just by guessing from his actions ? No ! That would never do . One cannot make grand assumptions and base her livelihood or well being on them . Brielle sat down on the warm sand . She let the wind sweep her face and hair as she sat thinking . She decided that she would apply for a job as a journalist when she returned to Lucerne . She didn 't know what newspaper she would apply to but she knew that she wanted to write . Later Brielle told Cherry all her plans and they talked about it over their weekend . Brielle was thankful that she had her friend with her during this time . It 's funny how friends are given to us for specific times in our life . But soon the girl 's weekend and time together would come to an end . The day of Cherry 's wedding arrived . Brielle looked stunning in her bridesmaid dress . It was a pale pink flowing gown , her hair hung loose in thick curls down her back . The music began playing and the other bridesmaids walked down the aisle . When Brielle 's turn came to walk down to the alter she clutched her flower bouquet and took a deep breath . While walking down the aisle Brielle tried to pay attention to what was going on , but only two thoughts were passing through her mind . 1 , She wished she were walking down the aisle as Crispin 's bride - to - be and 2 , Only 12 days left till she returned to Lucerne . After the wedding and reception it was time to say goodbye to Brielle 's dear friend Cherry . Brielle would be gone by time Cherry returned from her honeymoon . Brielle hated saying goodbyes . She wanted to hold her friend forever and ever . Brielle , for some reason , felt scared in that moment while hugging Cherry . What if things had changed while she had been in Cornwall ? She felt as if she were embarking on a whole new life , only , nothing had changed yet . She was on the brink of something big and frightening but she couldn 't see what it was . Brielle got a hold of herself and let go of her friend . Cherry looked so happy ! She was oblivious to Brielle 's feelings or thoughts . She loved Brielle but couldn 't wait to leave for her honeymoon . She looked right past Brielle it seemed like . Within a few sort moments Cherry was gone and Brielle was walking home alone . The next 12 days were like a continual downpour of pure monotony . The days weren 't long but they weren 't short either . Brielle felt like a blank page . Nothing filled her . Nothing appeased her bored and depressed state of mind . She was tired of being in a place where everything reminded her of her mother . When the day of her departure came Brielle was more than ready to leave . Her eccentric aunt was in tears while Brielle boarded the plane . Brielle waved goodbye and happily left Cornwall . Again . On her flight back to Lucerne Brielle wondered about Crispin . While she had been away Brielle often thought of and prayed for Crispin . She really wanted to see Crispin 's relationship with his father restored . When Brielle got back to Lucerne she decided to walk home , just as she 'd done when she first arrived there . Autumn had come at just the right time . Brielle walked along all her favorite streets on the way back to her old boarding house near the lake . The beautiful autumn leaves fell down all around her as she walked on the moss covered cobblestones . The sky was gloomy and the air felt clean and fresh . Brielle was so happy to be back in " her mountains " . For the first week since Brielle 's return she hadn 't seen any of her friends including Crispin . She wanted to take things slow and settle back in . She hadn 't quit her job as a florist yet . She wanted to look around for a position as a journalist first . She went to several newspaper printing presses and a few magazine publishers before she was accepted to write a weekly article for " Living Lucerne " , a popular newspaper . But a once a week article wouldn 't cut it for Brielle 's needs . So she decided to keep both jobs . Part time florist and journalist ; It was perfect ! Brielle loved being busy in the fall , it brought a sense of accomplishment and made her feel classy . But there was always a lingering question in her mind , " when will I see Crispin ? " Finally , Brielle decided to go see Crispin at his office of the construction company that he worked for . Walking up to the door made her more nervous than she 'd ever felt before . A thousand thoughts and questions flew through her mind all at once . What if he is too busy ? That would be embarrassing ! Am I being too straight forward ? But her hand reached forward and Brielle felt her fingers tapping on Crispin 's door . Crispin 's sweet familiar voice was heard in her ears . " Yea … How have you been Crispin ? " Brielle kept trying to get him to relax while she tried to remain calm herself . But there was something wrong . " What 's the matter , what 's wrong ? Did I do something to upset you , is this a bad time or something ? " Brielle felt like asking . She was really uneasy around him right now . Somehow , there was something fake and scary about Crispin . Something had happened to him . Crispin cleared his throat and looked down . " Hey Brielle , I 'm pretty busy right now , but I would love to talk to you about your trip . So , maybe we could have dinner tonight ? " This came as a huge shock to Brielle . She did not expect that to come from Crispin especially after the way he 'd been acting . She got scared . " I … um … I wa ' … um I guess … well . I mean what time should we … or you . . I mean … uh , ok . " Brielle was shaking and looking all around then she looked down and squeezed her eyes shut . On her way home Brielle didn 't know what to think about ; Crispin 's behavior or her dinner date with him that night . These were not the situations she 'd envisioned when she thought of how Crispin would have asked her out on their first date . What was wrong with him ? She had never seen him act this way . Was he mad at her for some reason ? Then Brielle made one clear , final decision ( The first one she had made all day it seemed like ) . She wouldn 't think about it . She wouldn 't analyze his actions / behaviors or her own . She would just show up at dinner as if nothing had happened ; she would be herself . Why should she ruin things on their first dinner ? Brielle decided to do something to take her mind off of the matter . She went shopping for an outfit to wear to dinner . Brielle needed to be classy and composed tonight . " Don 't stutter tonight Brielle ! " She kept telling herself over and over . Before she knew where all the hours had gone , 7 o ' clock came . She heard Mrs . Hatteras her landlady call her downstairs , there was " someone " at the door for her . Crispin met Brielle at the door smiling but still seemed on edge . They drove to a restaurant and made small talk . At the dinner table Brielle talked about her trip and Cherry 's wedding . Crispin seemed distant and uninterested for the most part . But he was also trying to be polite . " Brielle , while you were away , my father introduced me to a girl - a very wealthy girl named Veronica . Her father owns a vast amount of the businesses here in Lucerne and a few others nationally . My father , he … he wants me to marry Veronica so that he can be proud of me . " Here Brielle gasped and she shook her head in confusion . Brielle pushed the chair out from behind her and stood up . " Wait ! Wait , this is all wrong . I don 't understand Crispin . " She was talking fast and seemed jumpy . " Upset me ? Oh , Crispin , you … you are so … I can 't talk to you anymore . " Brielle picked up her handbag and began walking furiously out of the restaurant . Crispin stood up and followed her . " Brielle wait ! " He tried not to draw any attention but the crowd was watching them anyway . Brielle got out on the street and waved for a taxi . Inside the taxi after Crispin was out of sight in the distance , Brielle burst into tears and developed a massive headache . Her thoughts were blurred in her hot tears . Nothing made sense any more . When Brielle was finally alone in her room , she collapsed on the bed and sobbed . Crispin had loved her hadn 't he ? If he had , then why would he choose to hurt her like this ? He would choose to appease his father instead of love who he wanted to love ? Everything was all wrong . How could this have happened ? Brielle felt rage , heartbrokenness , hate and loneliness all at the same time . She was tired of being disappointed and let down . When would things brighten up for her ? Where was the sun in Brielle 's life ? Didn 't God want the best for her ? Brielle thought and worried and cried till she couldn 't think anymore . Her head hurt badly and she knew she needed to stop crying . She sat up and looked out her window . In that moment , at about 1 : 00 in the morning Brielle felt Jesus arms wrap around her . She felt Him holding her and comforting her . She sat there on her bed lost in His presence . After a while Brielle decided that this would not get her down . She wouldn 't let this " set back " destroy another year of her life . She would move on . She would work hard and get back into her normal routine of things . But this wasn 't as easy as Brielle had thought it would be . Thoughts and questions kept bombarding her in the weeks that followed . Brielle didn 't see Crispin or return his apologetic phone call . She wanted to forget everything ; but that might take a while . So , Brielle stayed as busy as she could . She worked at the florist shop , stayed up late reading and writing for her article and even took on extra house work at the boarding house . One month went by . Brielle heard from Cherry but didn 't talk about Crispin unless Cherry asked about him , which she never did . She was too consumed with her married life . Brielle , adding to her hurt . Brielle was thinking about moving back to Cornwall to be nearer to her friends . At least she might not feel so alone . But she would hate to leave Switzerland ! Brielle loved it here . She had come to call it home . She had a schedule , two jobs and a wonderful church . Not to mention the scenery . Could she bring herself to leave ? If it meant forgetting Crispin and his " new wife - to - be " , then yes ; she might . " What are you waiting for ? ! Of course you should move back ! I feel so lonely without you ! " Cherry urged Brielle . Then , without thinking twice , Brielle began making plans to move back to Cornwall . The next few weeks flew by with all of Brielle 's preparations , phone calls , transfers and such . For a while she forgot about Crispin , which was a relief . Then the day came . Brielle said goodbye to her friends at the boarding house and made one last stop at her favorite café . She sat down at the train station outside on a bench . Brielle set down a bouquet of flowers her old boss gave her and put her head in her hands . She couldn 't believe that she was actually leaving . Tears fell silently onto the pavement . The question " why " ? was the only thing passing through her mind at the moment . Suddenly Brielle looked up . She looked at all the mountains around her , she smelled the air and listened to all the familiar sounds around her then hung her head again and shook violently with tears . After a while , Brielle checked her watch remembering her train schedule . " Hmm , Crispin should be saying his vows right about now . " She smirked and shook her head . Brielle picked up her bouquet of flowers and began playing with the petals while she waited for the train . " Brielle , please hear me out . I just want to tell you that I , I really truly love you . I love everything about you Brielle . I love the way you stutter when you get nervous . I love the way your eyes sparkle when you see something for the first time . I love your stubbornness and fiery personality . But most of all , I want to be with you . I want to be the shoulder you cry on when you 're missing your mom . I want to there to see every smile that appears on your lips . So , Brielle , will you do me the honor of allowing me to spend the rest of my life falling more and more in love with you everyday by becoming my beautiful wife , the only wife I 've ever wanted , the only wife I 've always dreamed about having ? Because I don 't want to miss anything you do . I want to witness every second of your life . I 'll keep rescuing you if you let me . Brielle , I love you . Marry me ! " Brielle at first was in shock . Then she began crying uncontrollably . She was looking down and rubbing her shoe on the sidewalk . Then she raised her teary eyes and saw Crispin there , with tears in his own eyes , asking for the woman he had come to adore and admire so much . She could not love him more in that moment . She dropped the bouquet and walked slowly over to Crispin and wrapped her arms around his neck . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Упражнение 351 1 . Kate said that she would go to see her friend the next day and asked Pete if he would come with her . Pete said that he would and added that he wanted to see her ( Kate 's ) friend . 2 . Victor asked Mary if her friend always came to school so early . Mary said that she didn 't and explained that her friend had come so early that morning because she was on duty that day . 3 . Nina suggested playing badminton . Mike agreed and added that he liked to play badminton very much . 4 . Bill suggested running a race . Jack refused and explained that he had hurt his foot three days before and now he could not run . 5 . Tom asked Becky if she would show him their new flat . Becky said that she would ( Becky agreed ) and invited Tom to come to their place the next day . 6 . Lena said that there was a new film on at their cinema and suggested going and seeing it . Mike refused . He said that he could not go because he would be busy . 7 . Ann wondered what they would do with Nick and added that he had got a bad mark again . Pete suggested helping him with his Russian and added that he was sure they could do it . Упражнение 352 1 . He wanted to know who that man was and added that he did not know him . 2 . I thought that he was a very clever man and ( that he ) could help me . 3 . My brother said that in two hours he would have finished his work and then he would go to the cinema . He suggested going to the cinema together . I agreed . 4 . The teacher told us ( the pupils ) to open our ( their ) books and begin reading the new text . 5 . The girl wanted to know the price of that dress . 6 . I asked my father to help me with that problem and added that I could not solve it . My father agreed and suggested trying to solve it together . 7 . He said that they had forgotten to take the ball . 8 . She said that she would be very glad to see me . 9 . Walter suggested going to the Philharmonic and added that there was a good concert there that night . Robert agreed and added that he had not been to the Philharmonic for a long time . 10 . Alec asked me if I had ever been to the National Gallery . I answered that I had and added that I had visited it the year before when we were staying in London . 11 . Kate suggested going to Finland for the winter holidays . Andrew refused and added that they had already been to Finland . He suggested going to Greece and added that it would be very interesting to see the country they had read about so much . Kate agreed . 12 . Nellie said that she had gone to see Paul the day before but he had not been at home . Nick suggested going to see him that day . He added that he thought Paul would be at home . Nellie refused and said that she could not go that day because she was very busy . Упражнение 353 1 . Lena said that she had not seen him since the year before and added that she thought he had grown . She suggested going and seeing him the next day . I agreed and added that it would be interesting to see him and talk to him . 2 . I asked my friend if he thought it was really correct and added that I was afraid he had made a mistake in one or two words . 3 . Tom 's mother said that that was enough . She said that Tom would never go there again and added that she would see to it . 4 . Grandmother asked who would read the next story and added that it was very interesting and that she was sure we all should like it . 5 . Lena asked her friend if he would come and see her on Friday . Her friend agreed and added that he thought he would be free on Friday . 6 . He asked me whether I should need the book for a long time and added that he could give it to me only for a few days . 7 . Mary said that soon she would know the whole poem perfectly and added that she had already learnt more than half of it . 8 . John asked me if I should be able to find their house without him and added that I had never been to those parts . 9 . She asked me not to ask her any more questions . She added that she was very tired and promised to answer all my questions the next day . 10 . He told me that he would finish reading the book by Monday and added that I could have it then . 1 . Don 't call on me tomorrow as I shall not be at home . 2 . Wait for me . 3 . I have lived in St . Petersburg for many years and know the city very well . 4 . I am sorry you haven 't kept your promise . 5 . I have just come from the United States and intend to stay in St . Petersburg for about a month . 6 . I am not satisfied with my report and I am going to work on it for some more time . I am to make it on the twelfth of February and so I have a few days left . 7 . I am quite all right . The climate hasn 't done me any harm . 8 . Where can I buy a video cassette ? 9 . Who rang you up in the morning ? Упражнение 355 1 . An unfamiliar voice asked if that was Dmitri speaking . The man said that his name was Pavlov and that he had come from Moscow that day . He told me that he had brought some books for me from my friends . He added that he was staying at the Europe Hotel and wondered when and where he could see me . I suggested meeting at the monument to Pushkin in Arts Square at five o ' clock if it was convenient to him . He agreed and added that he would be there . 2 . The shop assistant said that the shoe department was downstairs . 3 . The professor told his assistant that he had made great progress . 4 . The teacher told us that we must read that text at home . 5 . Paul said that they would have to discuss that text the next day . 6 . She asked me if I knew who had taken her book . 7 . We asked him what had happened to him and added that he looked very pale . 8 . She told me that she hoped I had not forgotten to post the letter . 9 . She asked me where I had put her gloves and added that she could not find them . 10 . They told me to try that coat on before buying it and added that maybe I should not like it when I had put it on . Упражнение 356 1 . Mike asked Bob if he had done his homework or left it till the evening . He added that he had thought of inviting Bob to go to the theatre with him but had remembered that he nearly always did his homework in the evening . 2 . Jack said that he was fond of Dickens . He said that he had been reading " The Old Curiosity Shop " the whole week . He added that he liked the novel very much and that he was reading it for the second time . 3 . Tanya said that she thought her friend had finished reading " Jane Eyre " . She added that she hoped her friend would give it to her soon and explained that she was eager to read it . 4 . He asked me if I had a Russian - English dictionary . He wondered if I could let him have it for that evening . He added that he must do some very difficult translation . I agreed and added that I should not need the dictionary that night . 5 . Nellie told Lydia that she had thought about her the night before . She wanted to know if Lydia had decided to go to Omsk with her parents or whether she would remain there with her aunt until she finished school . It was morning . Nick 's mother woke him up . She asked him if he heard the alarm clock . Nick did not want to get up . He said that he was very sleepy . His mother remarked ( said ) that Nick always said it . She told him to get out of bed quickly . Nick moaned . His mother told him again to be quick . She added that he would be late for school if he was not quick . Nick told his mother that it was all right and added that he had a lot of time . Nick 's mother reminded him that he had to brush his teeth and to wash his hands and face . Nick answered that he remembered everything . Kate was ill and Jane came to see her . She asked if she might come in . Kate recognized Jane and asked her to come in . She was very glad and said that it was very good of Jane to come and see her . Jane said that she had come before but Kate had been too ill to see anybody . She wanted to know if Kate had got the flowers . Kate answered that of course she had and added that it had been very nice of Jane to send them to her . Jane asked Kate how she was now . Kate thanked her and said that she was much better . She added that the doctor said that she would be allowed to go out in a few days . Jane wanted to know if Kate missed school . Kate answered that she missed school very much . She added that she was afraid she would be lagging behind the group in her lessons now . Jane told her not to think about it and added that they would help her . Kate thanked her . Peter and John were classmates . One day they were going from school together . John asked Peter how he was getting along . Peter said that he was all right . He asked John what he thought about the last test in geometry . John said that he had found it rather difficult and added that he was not very good at solving problems . Peter wondered why John had not asked him to help him and added that he would gladly do it . John thanked him and said that he would . Then he wanted to know if Peter had a lot of homework for the next day . Peter answered that he had . He remarked ( said ) that John knew the timetable and that Friday was always a bad day . He reminded John that they had six lessons the next day and that all the subjects were difficult . He added that besides there would be questions from his little sister because she was not very good at sums . John agreed and said that he would come to Peter 's place the next day in the evening , if Peter did not mind . Peter agreed and suggested making it the next day . He added that he would be waiting for John . Susan came to consult the doctor . The doctor greeted her and asked what the matter with her was . Susan complained of feeling bad . She said that she had a headache and added that she was afraid she was running a temperature . The doctor told her to open her mouth and show him her throat . Then he said that Susan had a bad cold and that she must stay in bed for two days until her temperature was normal and she stopped coughing . Susan exclaimed that she hated being ill and staying in bed . The doctor told her that if she was not careful , she might fall ill with the flu or pneumonia . He added that he would prescribe some medicine . Susan thanked the doctor and said goodbye . Michael and Bill were friends . Michael asked Bill to show him around a bit . He added that he had only come there two days before and had not been anywhere as yet . Bill answered that he would do it with pleasure . He suggested going at once . And he also suggested inviting Alice to come with them . He added that Alice knew a lot about the places of interest there . Michael said that it was a good idea . Then Bill asked Alice if she could come with them . He told her that they were going for a walk and that he wanted to show Michael some places of interest . Alice refused to go with the boys . She said that she was sorry , but her mother had told her to buy some bread and she had forgotten about it . She added that she would have to do it now . She told the boys to go without her and promised to go with them some other time . Bill said that it was a pity , and he and Michael went alone . A man entered a cafe and sat down at a table . A waiter came up to him and asked what he would order . The man wanted to see the menu . The waiter gave him the menu . Looking through the menu , the man said that he wanted chicken soup for the first course . As he was not sure what to order for the second course , the waiter recommended him to take fried fish and added that it was very good . The man agreed . Then the waiter asked him if he wanted some vegetables , and the man asked for some potatoes . He also ordered cheese , coffee and fruit . 1 . to warm you up . 2 . for you to clean your teeth with . 3 . to prove that your theory is correct . 4 . to rub on your hands . 5 . for you to fasten the shelves to the wall . 6 . to relieve your headache . 7 . to be translated for tomorrow . 8 . to write with . 9 . to read now . 10 to be considered ( for us to consider ) . 11 . to take care of . 12 . to read . 13 . to help you with your spelling . 14 . to take care of . 15 . to say on this subject . 16 . for him to do . 17 . to explain these words to you . 18 . to take soon . 19 . to serve him . Упражнение 365 1 . She is too fat to wear this dress now . 2 . The accident was too terrible to talk about . 3 . They were too empty - headed to learn . 4 . The window was too dirty to see through . 5 . She was too foolish to understand my explanation . 6 . I have too little wool to make a sweater . 7 . The problem is too difficult to solve . 8 . The box is too heavy to carry . 9 . The baby is too little to walk . 10 . He is too weak to lift this weight . 11 . She is too busy to talk with you . 12 . She was too inattentive to notice the mistake . 13 . The rule was too difficult for them to understand . 14 . He was too stupid to see the joke . 1 . To begin with , she opened all the windows . 2 . My neighbour is difficult to deal with . 3 . To tell you the truth , I am very tired . 4 . His behaviour leaves much to be desired . 5 . To put it mildly , you surprised me . 6 . These children are pleasant to look at . 7 . To cut a long story short , they got married . 8 . The most famous book by Jerome is " Three Men in a Boat , to Say Nothing of the Dog . " 9 . You are hard to please . 10 . To say the least of it , we were surprised . 11 . To put it mildly , she was impolite . 12 . Your work leaves much to be desired . 13 . To tell you the truth , I don 't like boxing . 14 . Your sister is hard to please . 15 . To begin with , I am busy . 16 . He was pleasant to look at . 17 . To cut a long story short , he did not pass the examination . 18 . We were all glad , to say nothing of Mother : she said it was the happiest day in her life . 19 . Your composition leaves much to be desired . 20 . It is very strange , to say the least of it . 1 . To tell the truth , I don 't like it . 2 . They had nothing to eat . 3 . Who is to blame ? 4 . To cut a long story short , he hasn 't done his homework . 5 . Mother is always the first to get up in our family . 6 . She is pleasant to to look at . 7 . To translate this article you must use a dictionary . 8 . In summer I have nowhere to go to . 9 . It was out of the question to bathe in this river . 10 . He had nobody to discuss this problem with . 11 . Yesterday Kate was the last to come to school . 12 . To get a good mark , you must work hard . 13 . She is difficult to deal with . 14 . What is to be done ? 15 . To begin with , he is ill . 16 . To read Dickens in the original , you must know the language well . 17 . To put it mildly , he is wrong ( not right ) . 18 . She was not to blame . 19 . The child has nobody to play with . 20 . To see is to believe . 21 . To catch this train you should ( must ) hurry . 22 . It is out of the question to buy a car this year . 23 . The book leaves much to be desired . 1 . It is certain to rain if you don 't take your umbrella . 2 . Don 't promise to do it if you are not sure that you can . 3 . He was happy to be praised by everybody . 4 . He was very proud to have helped his elder brother . 5 . She was sorry to have missed the beginning of the concert . 6 . I am glad to see all my friends here . 7 . I was afraid to go past that place alone . 8 . My sister will be thrilled to be wearing a dress as lovely as that . 9 . We must wait to hear the examination results . 10 . She is happy to have found such a nice place to live in . 11 . I should be delighted to join you . 12 . He hopes to know everything by tomorrow . Упражнение 371 1 . to read . 2 . to be reading . 3 . to have been reading . 4 . to have read . 5 . to be . 6 . to be helped . 7 . to have been playing . 8 . to have done . 9 . to have been working . 10 . to have broken . 11 . to take . 12 . to be taken . 13 . to help . 14 . to be helped . 15 . to see . Упражнение 372 1 . to be quarrelling . 2 . to have been working . 3 . to be heard . 4 . to be lost , to find , to have been dropped . 5 . to have been waiting . 6 . to be bothering , to be given . 7 . to appear , to be talked . 8 . to tell , to know . 9 . to earn , to be read , not to be forgotten . 10 . to have been , to have seen . 11 . to know , to have spent . 12 . to have overthrown , to be advancing . 13 . to be reading , not to have heard . 14 . to be looking . 15 . to have been snowing . 1 . I am glad to have told you this story . 2 . I am glad to have been told this story . 3 . I want to introduce you to this actress . 4 . I want to be introduced to this actress . 5 . I am glad to have met her at the station . 6 . I am glad to have been met at the station . 7 . We are happy to have invited him to the party . 8 . We are happy to have been invited to the party . 9 . He will be happy to visit this famous picture gallery . 10 . He was happy to have visited this famous picture gallery . 11 . Children like to be told fairy tales . 12 . I did not intend to stop at this station . 13 . I did not expect to be stopped . 14 . I am sorry to have caused you so much trouble . 15 . He cannot stand to be told lies . 16 . I remembered to have come across this word in some book . 17 . I am very sorry to have missed this interesting lecture . 18 . She is happy to have heard the concert of the famous Italian conductor . 19 . She is glad to have been present at the lecture . 20 . He is very glad to have finished his book . 21 . Our sportsmen are proud to have won the cup . 22 . I only want to be allowed to help you . 23 . I was grateful to have been given a room with a large window . 24 . He was happy to have returned home . 25 . He was happy to be at home again . 26 . I am sorry to have interrupted you . 27 . I am sorry not to have found you at home . 28 . Jane was happy to be leaving Mrs . Reed . 29 . Rochester was glad to meet Jane . 30 . Rochester was glad to have met Jane . ПРИЧАСТИЕ 1 . All the people living in this house are students . 2 . The woman speaking now is our secretary . 3 . The apparatus standing on the table in the corner of the laboratory is quite new . 4 . The young man helping the professor in his experiments studies at our university . 5 . People taking books from the library must return them on time . 6 . There are many pupils in our class taking part in all kinds of extracurricular activities . 1 . Feeling now more at ease , the man spoke in a louder voice . 2 . Knowing who the man was , Robert was very pleased to have the chance of talking to him . 3 . Thinking that it was his brother at the window , Steve decided to open it . 4 . Being afraid of falling into a ditch in the darkness at any moment , the people felt their way about very carefully . 5 . Needing a shelter for the night , Peter decided to go to the neighbours ' house . 1 . You must have much practice when learning to speak a foreign language . 2 . When speaking English , pay attention to the word order . 3 . When copying English texts , pay attention to the articles . 4 . When beginning to work with the dictionary , don 't forget my instructions . 5 . Be careful when crossing a street . 6 . When leaving the room , don 't forget to switch off the light . 7 . When travelling in Central Africa , the explorers met many wild animals . 1 . Living . 2 . Talking . 3 . Having read . 44 . Having bought . 5 . Sitting . 6 . Doing . 7 . Having done . 8 . Selling . 9 . Having sold . 10 . Having eaten . 11 . Drinking . 12 . Running . 13 . Looking . 14 . Having written , having learnt . 1 . When running across the yard , he fell . 2 . When going home yesterday , I kept thinking about my friend . 3 . Putting on his coat , he went out and looked at the cars passing by . 4 . Closing the book , she put it aside and looked at the children running about in the yard . 5 . Being translated into Russian , the book could be read by everybody . 6 . Being given dictionaries , we managed to translate the article easily . 7 . Having done my homework , I shall go for a walk . 8 . Having bought the book , I shall begin reading it . Упражнение 385 1 . Having phoned , saying . 2 . Written . 3 . Writing . 4 . Having spent . 5 . Being . 6 . having been given . 7 . Not wishing . 8 . Translated . 9 . Having been approved . 10 . Having waited . 11 . Waiting . 12 . having walked . 13 . Lying . 14 . leaving . Упражнение 386 1 . Having left the house and crossing the street , he suddenly stopped remembering that he had forgotten to phone his friend . 2 . He looked at me and hesitated , not knowing what to say . 3 . Having long lived in those parts and knowing the place very well , he easily found his way to the marketplace . 4 . He had no language problems , having studied English for a long time . 5 . Having written this exercise , I began to doubt whether it was correct . 6 . Take care when crossing the street . 7 . Students should always be attentive when listening to the lecturer . 8 . There are many students studying music . 9 . Don 't you feel tired having walked so much ? 10 . Arriving at the railway station , he bought a ticket , walked to the platform and boarded the train . 11 . Being promised help , he felt quieter . 12 . Having been shown in , he was told to take off his coat and wait for a while . 13 . Starting the building of the house at once , Robinson finished it before the season of rains set in . 14 . Pouring out a cup of coffee , he sat down in an armchair and looked at the woman sitting opposite him . Упражнение 387 1 . The actress telling children fairy tales over the radio is famous all over the country . 2 . The child always listens with interest to the fairy tales told by the nurse . 3 . Telling the children fairy tales , she speaks in different voices imitating the characters of the tales . 4 . ( 5 . ) The fairy tale told by the nurse produced a great impression on the child . 5 . ( 4 . ) Having told a fairy tale to the child , she wished him good night . 6 . My granny , who has told me this fairy tale , lives in a little house on the lake shore . 1 . The boy running past the house suddenly stopped . 2 . Being very busy , he did not hear me at once . 3 . Hearing the steps , he looked up . 4 . Having drunk a cup of tea , she felt better . 5 . Playing in the garden , the children did not notice that it had become dark . 6 . Going up to the door , he opened it . 7 . Tom went up to the laughing girl . 8 . He put a crumpled letter on the table . 9 . The crying girl was hungry . 10 . The grandmother was looking at the children playing in the yard . 11 . She likes to look at playing children . 12 . Having done their homework , the children went for a walk . 13 . Lying on the sofa , he was reading a book . 14 . Having brought his toys into the room , the child began playing . 15 . Having read many books by Dickens , he knew this writer well . 1 . Our work being finished , we went home . 2 . The letter being posted today , the news will reach them tomorrow . 3 . Mother permitting , we shall go to the theatre . 4 . The working day being over , she went straight home . 5 . A storm arising , the ship entered the harbour . 6 . The packing being done , the girls left for the station . 7 . The stop being a long one , the girls got off the train . 8 . The weather being perfect , Lydia played tennis every day . 9 . The last month being a very busy one , she could not answer her friend 's letter . 10 . Time permitting , we shall come a few days earlier . 11 . The third bell having gone , the curtain slowly rose . 12 . The underground station being not far , we walked there . 13 . Bill could not sleep the whole night , there being something wrong with his eye . 14 . The rules being very strict , the doorkeeper did not permit Bill to enter . 15 . The front door being open , she could see straight through the house . 16 . Rip had no desire to work on his farm , it being to his mind the worst piece of land in the neighbourhood . 17 . They stood there , the night wind shaking the drying whispering leaves . 18 . The situation being urgent , we had to go ahead . 19 . The greetings being over , Old Jolyon seated himself in a wicker chair . 20 . The town of Crewe is known to be one of the most busy junctions in England , many railway lines passing through it . 21 . We set off , the rain still coming down heavily . 22 . A private sitting room being engaged , bedrooms ( being ) inspected and dinner ( being ) ordered , the party walked out to view the city . 23 . Dinner was served on the terrace , it being very close in the room . 24 . Thoughtful , Andrew finished his omelette , his eyes all the time fixed upon the microscope . 25 . There being in fact nothing to wait for , we got down to work . 26 . The question being rather difficult to answer at once , I asked for permission to think it over . 27 . He stood leaning against the wall , his arms folded . 28 . There being very little time left , we had to hurry . 29 . Of an evening he read aloud , his small son sitУпражнение 395 1 . There still being half an hour left before the train 's departure , we decided to have supper at the railway station . 2 . The weather being favourable , the I sportsmen may show good results . 3 . For a long time we were talking , he asking me questions and I readily answering them . 4 . Circumstances permitting , I shall come to your place for the summer . 5 . It being very warm , the children slept ( were sleeping ) in the open . 6 . All the preparations being over , we went hiking . 7 . The ship was slowly sailing along the shores of the White Sea , hundreds of birds circling over it . 8 . It was very dark , there being not a single star in the sky . 9 . The sun having set , the tourists made a fire . 10 . It being very late , the meeting was closed . 11 . Weather permitting , we shall go to the skating rink . 12 . Everything being ready , she decided to rest . 13 . It being already very late , they did not go anywhere . 14 . The weather being cold , Jack put his hands into his pockets . 15 . It getting dark quickly , she hurried home . 16 . The sun having set , it became dark at once . 17 . Our conversation being over , I went home . 18 . The letter written ( being written ) , she quickly ran to the post office to send it . 1 . I thought of coming and seeing you tomorrow . 2 . I am thinking of going out to the country . 3 . What do you think you will do tomorrow ? - I don 't know ; I thought of going to the zoo , but the weather is so bad that probably I shan 't go . 4 . I hear there are some English books at our institute bookstall now . - So you are thinking of buying some , aren 't you ? 5 . I thought of working in the library this evening , but as you have come , I won 't go to the library . 6 . We were thinking of planting roses this year . 1 . After taking the child to the kindergarten , she went to the library to study for her exam . 2 . After making a thorough study of the subject , he found that it was a great deal more important than he had thought at first . 3 . After hesitating some minutes whether to buy the hat or not , I finally decided that I might find one I liked better in another shop . 4 . After graduating from the university , she left St . Petersburg and went to teach in her hometown . 5 . After proving that his theory was correct , he started studying ways and means of improving the conditions of work in very deep coalmines . |
This book is dedicated to couples who are dealing with the issue of infertility . Infertility and miscarriages are more common than many are aware of . It isn 't talked about because it is a painful subject and for those affected , there are often feelings of inferiority , shame , and sadness attached to their struggle . As one person told me , it 's a pain that cuts to the bone . This book is also dedicated to Dr . Sheila Boehm from Williams Lake , British Columbia , Canada . She acted as a surrogate for a family member . Her wonderful , selfless act was the seed of thought for this book . I had heard about surrogacy before , but had never known anyone who actually participated in the program . Christina Holmes gathered eighteen - month - old Leanne Johnson in her arms and sat in the rocking chair by the window . Her heart filled with warmth as she snuggled her best friend 's daughter against her breast . Christina had learned to accept most of life 's trials , but knowing that she could never give birth to a child of her own child , was the one disappointment that left a raw spot in her soul . " The poor little tyke is probably tired , " Ellie Crampton commented as she emptied a bottle of 7Up into the juice in a punch bowl . " It 's a long drive out to the ranch from Swift Current . Add the excitement of playing with Selena and Sam all afternoon , and you know she 's got to be exhausted . " Colt Thompson turned to Brad Johnson , who was mashing a pot of potatoes by the stove . " I swear she was conceived through Immaculate Conception . I don 't see any trace of you in her . " " Hey , that stung ! " He gave his wife a look of exaggerated pain , and then defended his words . " It 's the truth . Look at her ; she 's a carbon copy of Shauna Lee ! " Leanne 's tiny bone structure , her wispy blonde hair and her big blue eyes fringed by dark eyelashes supported his words . Shauna Lee looked at Brad and smiled . " Oh , she definitely has his genes ! Haven 't you noticed how she works her way around , schmoozing to get what she wants ? She 's just like him ; she simply doesn 't take ' No ' for an answer . " Everyone laughed , knowing how tenaciously Brad had pursued Shauna Lee until he 'd worn down her every resistance and convinced her that she loved him . She looked at Frank . " Dinner 's almost ready , isn 't it ? " Tim walked over to the rocking chair and knelt down by Christina . He reached out to brush a finger along Leanne 's cheek . " Are you hungry little one ? " he asked . The tearful blue eyes brightened as she broke into a big smile and a spate of baby babble . He smiled as he extended his hands and Leanne said " Me up , " and leaned forward to fall into them . His eyes met Christina 's as he took the child . There was a current of understanding between them . He talked to the baby as he stood up and then extended a hand to help Christina out of the chair . While everyone else put the food on the table , Ellie went to the family room . Grayson McNaughton was watching hockey on TV and Ollie , her sixty - four - year - old husband , was on the floor with the Thompson twins playing ranch . He had built them a barn for Christmas and now they were ' chasing ' cows and moving them into the realistic - looking corrals that he 'd made to go with it . She smiled . Selena and Sam had become the grandchildren he would never have - unless by some miracle they found his unknown son . Possibly , he had grandchildren but they wouldn 't know him the way the twins did . After four years of searching , it seemed unlikely that his son would be found . That was a fact that grated on his mind continuously . " Dinner is ready . " Ellie reached down and ruffled Ollie 's graying hair . He looked up at her with smiling eyes . They 'd been married for two years , but they had ' lived in sin ' as her indignant children had called it , for almost two years before they had made it legal . Ollie had never had a wife before and he would have married her right away . However , while the chemistry and companionship were perfect between them , Ellie had been wed before and was in no hurry to rush into a permanent relationship at her age . Now she wondered why she 'd hesitated because she couldn 't imagine her life without him . Colt , Frank , and the twins had been the nucleus of it . Shauna Lee and Brad had met through Colt . Ellie had joined the group as a babysitter for the twins and when they met at the ranch , she and Ollie had connected immediately . Colt had hired Tim to manage Cantaur Farms , and Grayson had joined the crew at Belanger Creek Ranch after Patch Bergeron had died . Christina had worked as Shauna Lee 's receptionist and office manager at Swift Current Accounting and Bookkeeping Services for years , but they 'd never had anything more than a business relationship before Shauna Lee and Brad had gotten together . Now all those ' strangers ' had become a family . After the dishes had been done , everyone sat around and enjoyed an evening of conversation . Grayson went back to the bunkhouse and Tim offered to go down to the old ranch house , where Ollie and Ellie lived , to get Ollie 's prescription pills for acid reflux . He was gone for quite a while and when he got back to the house , he was very distant and unsettled . Christina tried to catch his eye , but he refused to look at her . Finally , she waylaid him in the hallway . His attitude chilled Christina . Suddenly he had morphed back into the old Tim , the cold , distant man who had arrived in Swift Current four years earlier . She wanted to shake him , but her instincts told her that something very profound had happened … and he wasn 't about to tell her what it was . She couldn 't let him leave in this frame of mind . " Tim , I 'm coming with you . I … " Christina shrugged . " God only knows . It 's like something flipped a switch ; he 's gone right back to being the cold , miserable jerk , that he was when he first came here . " Christina shook her head . " He wants me to catch a ride back with you , but something 's really wrong . Even Tim wouldn 't regress that far in an hour … I 'm worried about him . " He tightened his jaw and glared at her while he put the truck into gear and sped out of the yard . They drove in silence . When they were halfway to Maple Creek , it started to snow heavily . Then the wind picked up , whipping it into a blinding blizzard . " What the hell , " Tim snarled . " It 's almost the end of April . Where does this crap come from ? " Christina said nothing . The visibility became very poor , and he slowed to a crawl as he strained to look into the storm . At one point , he almost missed a curve in the road , his front wheel catching the shoulder . He swore again . Blinded by the blowing snow , all of Tim 's senses were on alert as he inched the truck forward . When they finally reached Maple Creek , they couldn 't see the lights of the town . " I don 't want to be responsible for something happening to you . " His frustration was evident . " I didn 't ask you to come along . " " Hey , buddy , you could have left , but you waited for me . On some level , you wanted my company . And , I sure didn 't come because you 're so charming . The fact is , you 're acting like a miserable jerk . I came because I felt like I needed to be here for you . So get over it . You 're stuck with me . " " What are you doing ? " he yelled . " You can 't go out there . " He bailed out after her , running to catch her as she floundered through the snow . He grabbed her by the arm . " Are you trying to commit suicide ? You 'll get lost and freeze to death . " " I … I wouldn 't hurt you , " he stammered . He kept a firm grip on her arm while he led the way back to the truck . When they reached it , he opened the passenger door to help her get in . He looked into her face in the glow of the interior light . Suddenly he pulled her against him and kissed her angrily . " Are you crazy ? " she gasped , pushing him away . She clamored inside and he slammed the door . She rubbed away the feel of his kiss with her coat sleeve , as she glared at him plodding through the snow in the front of the truck . His mind was in turmoil . What the hell was wrong with him ? Why had he kissed her ? He stood , staring into the storm for a few seconds before he got in . Then he started the truck and edged onto the highway , squinting against the blinding whiteness as he turned toward Swift Current . Suddenly , emergency lights were flashing across the road in front of him . " A god damned roadblock ? " Tim swore again , as he rolled down his window . Christina noted that she had heard him curse more in the last two hours than she remembered him doing in the past three years . He didn 't normally swear , although he had when he 'd first arrived at the farm at Cantaur . He 'd been cold , angry and bristling with defensiveness and , he 'd cursed a lot . Two policemen approached the truck , bracing themselves against the fury of the storm . " The highway is closed in both directions . " The RCMP officer rested his hand against the truck door and peered inside to look at them . " You 'll be up against it to find a place to stay for the night . The hotels and motels are full . The restaurants and bars have stayed open , but there 's not much room left . There is a small bed and breakfast just up that road behind you and to your right . We 've sent two parties there already , but they might be able to make more room . " " This storm moved in from Swift Current . There hasn 't been any traffic for about an hour and a half . Last reports estimated up to three - foot drifts in places . I 'd advise you to try the B & B . It 's the best chance you 'll get tonight . " He shifted the truck into reverse and eased backward , then turned onto the adjacent road . The drifts were already hardening and the truck had to fight through the snow in four - wheel drive . They reached the B & B sign and turned into the yard . The lights were a dim haze in the snow . There were three snow - covered vehicles in the yard . Christina shrugged . " Maybe they have a couch , or if nothing else the floor will do . We don 't have many choices . " She unclasped her seatbelt and opened the door . " Let 's go see what they have . " When they stepped onto the porch , the door opened and a tall , slender man stepped into the light to greet them . Tim shuffled uneasily . " The police said you might have a vacancy . " " Well … come in and I 'll talk to my wife . We have a bed in the attic . We don 't use it for the business because it 's only a double so it 's smaller than most people expect , but seeing this is an emergency … " Christina sighed wearily . " For cripes sake , Tim , it 's better than sitting in the truck , freezing . We can 't piss each other off any more than we already have tonight . We might as well make up our minds to get a decent rest . " She opened her purse . " How much is the room ? " She paid , saying , " I 'm Christina Holmes , and Smiley here , is Tim Bates . " The man nodded . " This is my wife , Lily and I 'm Alvin Bronson . This is a rare storm for this time of the year , but it 's not unheard of . It caught a lot of people off guard . We 've had a couple of other groups come in tonight . Do you have any luggage ? " Lily stepped forward . " That room is pretty chilly at this time of the year . We only use it for the grandkids in the summer . I have a king - sized down filled comforter that 'll provide more warmth . " When she came back , she handed Tim an extra pillow and the comforter . She handed Christina a pair of long , thermal underwear . " These are mine . We 're about the same size so I think they 'll fit you and they 'll be more comfortable than trying to sleep in your clothes . I 'm sorry , but there are no services up there so you 'll have to use the washroom down here . " She looked at Tim . " Our son is about your size . He has a fleece jogging suit here . I 'll get it . I 'm sure you 'll be a lot more comfortable in it than in your jeans and shirt . " Tim started to protest , but Lily cut him off . " I don 't want to hear another word . I think you 're going to have enough trouble getting comfortable . " Lily came back with a blue jogging suit and handed it to Tim . Alvin led them up the narrow stairs to the room in the attic . After Alvin had left , they looked around the small room . Frost was forming on the single window , and they could see wisps of their breath floating in the chilly air . " Quit being an ass and get a grip on yourself . There is no need for anyone to sleep on the floor . I 'm sure we are mature enough to make the best out of this rotten situation . I 'm not going to freak out if your leg touches mine . It 's not as if either of us is interested in anything other than sleep and keeping warm . " Christina shook her head . " Pretend I 'm someone you don 't dislike then . What would you do if I were Colt or Brad ? You 'd damn well get in bed and sleep . I 'm going downstairs to change into these long johns and I 'll leave my socks on too so you won 't be able to accidentally touch my skin . I suggest you get into that fleecy thing she gave you and hustle into bed . " She went towards the door , paused and looked back at him . " Turn off the light so you can 't see me when I get back . That way you can pretend it 's someone else on the other side of the bed . " When Christina returned , the light was off . She leaned over to touch the end of the bed in the darkness and felt her way along to the far side . She was edging her way to the head of the bed when her foot hit something , and she lost her balance . She gave a muffled gasp as she fell over Tim 's body . Finally , he got up on all fours in the tangle of the quilt and pushed her up . The room was pitch - black , but she felt her way to the foot of the bed , reaching out for the wall . She slid her hand along until she felt the light switch , and she flipped it on , bathing the room in shocking light . Their stare locked . Her fury was tangible , radiating off her with a heat he could feel . Tim looked away first . She walked over and stripped the quilt off him and threw it on the bed , then turned to him , sparks snapping in her eyes . " You 're not sleeping on the floor in this cold room . Stop acting like an adolescent and get in the bed . I don 't know what happened to you today , but the man I 've come to know as a friend , has regressed into an idiot . Grow up , Tim ! " She switched the light off and felt her way up to the head of the bed and crawled in . She pulled the sheets and the quilt up around her neck , turned on her right side with her back to him and lay still , waiting to feel his weight settle on the mattress . It seemed like an eternity before it did . Tim lay on his left side , with his back to her , crowded as close to the edge of the bed as he could get . He was tense as a board , his senses alert . He listened for every breath , every stirring she made , and was shocked , almost angered , when a few minutes later he heard her breathing become a whisper , slow and relaxed , and he realized that she was sleeping . How could she be asleep already ? He shifted gingerly , desperate not to wake her . He was uncomfortable . He usually slept on his back , sprawled across the whole bed . He hadn 't shared a bed with anyone since his wife had left him . His mind was in turmoil . Not only was he in a damnable situation there in the bed , but so many unanswered questions raced through his thoughts . What had he really stumbled upon when he 'd gone to Ollie and Ellie 's house ? Why was that picture laying on the desk in Ollie 's office ? Seeing it there had shocked him . At first , he 'd thought he had to be mistaken , but when he picked it up and looked closely , he knew he 'd seen it before . It was his mother . Then Christina had insisted on coming home with him , and she 'd called him a Bastard ! The word swirled in his mind . Why couldn 't he push it away ? He tossed and turned , then finally found refuge in sleep . The warmth of the bed lured him . About twenty minutes after Tim and Christina left that evening , snow started to fall heavily at Belanger Creek Ranch . Shortly after , the relentless winds came , driving in a blinding blizzard . Colt and Brad drove down to the barn to check on the two hundred head of cows with late calves housed in the corrals . The high board shelters on the windward side of the corrals protected them from the brunt of the storm , and most of the calves were huddled in the calf shelters . Colt nodded . " I know . They won 't fight against the storm . They 'll put their backs into the wind and drift with it . That 'll take them down off the hilltops where we 've been feeding them , into the shelter of the ravines or clumps of willow . " Ollie 's look was sober . " I 've seen it happen . If it 's bad enough , they 'll get down in those narrow sheltered spots and crowd in like sardines in a can . The calves can get trampled pretty easily . " Ollie nodded . " It depends on how long this lasts . I 've seen these storms last for a couple of days . The cattle can get hung up in the willows and suffocate under the drifts that blow over them . I haven 't been checking the weather forecast the past couple of days , so have no idea what they are predicting for this one . I didn 't even realize it was coming . " Colt looked at Brad . " I didn 't either . We were playing cards when it started to snow , but I didn 't pay much attention until the wind came up . I just figured it was a quick spring flurry . I should 've been more aware . " Colt slapped his gloves against his jeans . " I think this storm actually came in from Swift Current way . There isn 't much we can do right now . Even if we were able to ride out there , the cattle would fight us at every turn . Hopefully , this will have blown itself out by dawn , and then we 'll ride out with the horses . Right now , we 're better off to get some sleep and conserve the horses . Can you stick around and give us a hand in the morning , Brad ? " " We won 't leave until you get everything straightened out here . Tomorrow is a holiday anyway , and if I need to , I can get one of the installers to go to the shop for me on Tuesday . Christina will be home , so she 'll open the office for Shauna Lee . " Colt looked at Grayson . " Will you help Ollie attach the blade to the tractor in the morning before we go ? Fran will ride out with Brad , you and me . Ollie can follow us with the tractor and plow the snow off the road so we can drive the truck in if we have any animals that need to be hauled home . " Ollie & Grayson nodded in agreement and everyone went their separate ways . At five o ' clock , they were up again . Frank and Shauna Lee had breakfast ready and after they 'd eaten , Frank left with the men to saddle up . Thirty minutes later , Colt sighed with relief as they rode into the pasture . " It looks like we lucked out this time . This could have been a disaster . Fortunately , it stayed mild and we 've only had a foot of snow here . It 's so wet and heavy that it won 't have piled up in the coulees and ravines the way a dry , cold snow would have with those strong winds . " Colt and Frank rode through the upper end , checking the ravines and willow bluffs as they went . Brad and Grayson rode the lower end of the field , along the river fence and up the east side . Fortunately , no calves had been trampled , and no cows were down . They drove the animals back to the feeding areas . By then Ollie was plowing snow in different sections of the pasture so it would be easier to feed . Colt and Brad went to the feed yard . Colt started the big tractor with the bale buster hooked on behind it . Brad waited at the gate , and watched as he backed up to the stack and loaded one of the sixteen - hundred - pound bales into the tub and then picked up a second bale with the machine and headed out into the field . Brad open and closed the gate so no hungry cows could get into the stack yard . He watched with fascination , as the bale buster shredded the bale and augured it out into a long windrow on the ground . When the first bale had been fed , he dropped the second one into the tub and shredded it as well . The cows lined up along the windrows to eat . Colt made three more trips to different areas of the pasture before he was done with the feeding . After the feeding was finished and the tractor parked back in the feed yard , the four of them mounted their horses to ride home . Ollie had plowed the drifts out and riding was easier for man and beast . The sun was shining and it was clear that , except where it had drifted in the shaded areas , the snow wouldn 't last very long . Ollie had gone back to the ranch as soon as he 'd finished plowing and when they arrived , he was finishing up the chores . They tied their horses to the hitching rail by the barn . Colt and Brad went to help Ollie , while Frank and Grayson took a quick walk through the calves . They found no obvious problems , so they led the horses into the barn , unsaddled them and brushed them down . They had turned them into stalls and were giving them each a portion of grain when they heard the quad coming down the hill . Seconds later , Sam came dashing in the barn door . " Hey , Mom ! Ellie and Auntie Shauna Lee are making something to eat at our place . Everyone is supposed to come up there . " Okay , Mom . " They went out and got on the quad . Sam started it , revved it up , and sped up the hill , sending a plume of wet snow and water spraying away from the wheels . " How can you be cold ? It 's nice out and the snow is melting like crazy . Look at the way it 's running down the tracks on the road . " Well , buddy … you haven 't been out riding since dawn . We 've been wading through snow banks and walking around , looking at the cows and calves . Your turn will come one day and then you 'll know what it 's like . You 'll be chilled to the bone just like we are ! " The smells from the kitchen greeted them when they opened the door . " All of a sudden I 'm famished . " Colt looked at his watch . " It 's no wonder . It 's after two o ' clock . We were out there for more than eight hours . " " Coming right up , " Shauna Lee answered . " It sounds like Ollie and Grayson are here now , too , " she said hearing the porch door open . " Do you guys want coffee with Baileys in it ? " Grayson said yes , but before Ollie answered , Ellie was pouring a shot of Jack Daniels into a glass for him . Ollie smiled as she handed it to him . " Thanks , love , " he said and raised the glass to the others . " This is my poison - it warms you right to the core ! " Brad nodded . " Yeah , what the heck happened there , anyway ? He was happy and relaxed all day , and then all of a sudden he just did a complete turn around . " Shauna Lee shook her head . " I have no idea . Christina didn 't know what was going on either . She was so concerned that she decided to go home with him , even though he didn 't want her to . " Shauna Lee nodded . " Well , I think they 've worked out most of their angst by now . He was so bitter when he first came and she really took a dislike to him . Christina always referred to him as the cold fish . But they 're civil now . " Brad nodded . " He was a great guy when I knew him in the Peace River country . He loved being a farmer and he was a smart businessman . When he got married , everyone who knew them wondered how it had happened . They were like water and oil from the very beginning . I think she thought there were diamonds sparkling in the grain bins and had big ideas about being a rich land owner 's wife . The marriage sort of hung together for about eight years , but it was over long before they split . " When Tim 's mother died , it was a big blow to him . His siblings are nothing like him . They 're a lot younger and spoiled rotten . He has one brother and he was a cocky , egotistical brat that never did a day of hard work in his life . He gave Tim a bad time when he got old enough to think he could flex his muscles as far as the business went . When his dad died , the farm was worth millions , but they just tore it apart trying to get their hands on all the money . They killed the goose that laid the golden egg , and Tim got ' plucked ' in the process . " Tim awakened slowly , savoring the warmth . A fragrant cloud lay against his cheek , tickling his nose . It smelled like lilacs . He softly blew a tendril from across the tip of his nose . Hair ! He became aware of the softness resting against his chest , molding to his hips , his thighs and the leg that intertwined with his . He felt the hip bone beneath his arm as it lay over a curvy waist . He stiffened . What the hell is she doing ? Realization flooded through him . No ! What the hell was he doing ? She was curled up on her side of the bed . He was the one who was cuddling her , snuggled up as close as he could get . Panicked , he listened to the rhythm of her breathing . If he was careful , possibly he could ease his body over onto his own side without waking her up . He inched away carefully . She stirred and murmured something , stretching her legs gently . Her hand groped , searching for the warmth that had moved away , but she stayed asleep . He eased over slowly and turned onto his left side again , clinging to the edge of the bed . He exhaled slowly . He 'd made it ! His breathing was rapid , and he tried to calm it . He couldn 't keep his thoughts in line . It felt good to wake up to a warm , soft , fragrant body next to him . He thought he put that behind him , but that primal instinct was still there . Damned women , they were always a temptation to a stupid , vulnerable man . He lay quietly , thinking about life ; his life . His mother had been the one constant in his life and he 'd worshiped her . He thought he knew everything about her , but he didn 't know how she figured into Ollie Crampton 's life . She 'd always said she didn 't have any family , so why was her picture on his desk ? He had turned it over and looked at the back of it . It was date - stamped four years earlier , just a few months after he 'd come to the farm , and it bore the name of a legal firm in Vancouver , British Columbia . She had died over eight years before . He rolled onto his back with a sigh and flung his arm across his eyes . Could Ollie be checking me out ? But why ? I could understand if Colt had done that before I started working for him , but I was already at the farm when that picture was dated . Ollie and I have talked lots of times over the past four years ; we 've had some serious conversations about life . Why didn 't he say anything about having Mom 's picture ? And why would anyone send a picture of Mom to him ? It would have come to Shauna Lee 's office , not to Ollie . So what is going on here ? Don 't they trust me ? After Bob Thompson died last year , Colt sold me his shares in Cantaur Farms . We 're partners now , and we haven 't had any problems . None of this makes any sense . I 've considered those guys to be my friends . I hope I 'm not going to get screwed over again . He lowered his arm and looked across at her . His eyes strayed to the curtain of dark hair that spilled onto her pillow and the intoxicating scent of it came back to him . He smiled crookedly . " I see you did , too . " " I was so tired , I just died ! And the bed was so warm and comfy . " Her fingers plucked at the comforter . " It must have been this feather quilt . I 'm going to have to get one for home . It was heavenly . Were you warm enough ? " " Am I still the enemy , or do you see me as a friend now ? " She giggled . " After all , we 've slept together ; that 's closer than most friends ever get . " Her look turned serious . " I 'm a good listener , Tim . I don 't break confidences either . I 've got my own ugly secrets . Honestly , it probably would help to discuss whatever happened yesterday and get it off your chest . It had to be big to make you do such a complete turn around . " " I don 't want to talk about it . I have to figure out what actually happened by myself , and what it means to me . I 'm going to get up and check the road report . " He threw back the blankets and stood up . He looked out the small window , but all he could see was frosted edges and a sea of white . " That doesn 't look very promising , " he grumbled . He grabbed his jeans and his shirt . " Look away ; I 'm going to put on my clothes . " She buried her head under the quilt and waited until he said , " Alright , I 'm out of here . I 'm warning you , it is damned cold in here . You 'd better dress downstairs in the bathroom . " " Sorry for what ? " She grinned . " Oh , you mean for keeping me warm ? To be honest , I 'd forgotten how good it felt to cuddle with someone . " " I 'm glad the bed worked out alright . Tim said he had a good sleep too , and he seemed a lot more relaxed this morning . Would you like a cup of coffee ? Tim went out to get his razor and he 's bringing your overnight bag in . He 'll have a cup when he comes back . " Christina turned to look when the entry door opened and Tim stepped inside . Their eyes met as he handed her bag to her . Her amber eyes were twinkling when she took it . " Thank you , Tim . " " I 'm shocked you remembered all that . Obviously a good sleep does improve some things . " She winked at him as she turned away and went to the washroom . When she returned , Tim was sitting at one of the tables in the dining room , drinking coffee . A glance told her that a full cup was waiting for her too , so she joined him . He looked at her with a twinkle in his eye and grinned . " Hey , you look pretty good now . " She sat down and took a drink of her coffee . Is he flirting ? No , that couldn 't be happening . " Hmm … I 've never seen you with a five o ' clock shadow before . It 's looks kind of rakish on you . " She rubbed her hand down her cheek and along her chin . " I 'll have a hot biscuit and jam . I love biscuits . " She looked at him curiously . " What are you having ? Let me guess ; cold cereal and toast . " The highway was open by ten - thirty that morning and Tim and Christina were on the road as soon as they got word that they could travel . Most of the trip was made in silence , but it wasn 't the hostile silence of the previous night 's journey from Belanger Creek . It was a companionable silence , two friends traveling together . About two - thirds of the way home , Tim sighed deeply and looked at her . " About yesterday … when I went down to Ollie 's house to get his pills , they weren 't in the medicine chest in the bathroom , or on the windowsill by the kitchen sink . They were on the desk in his office . " " At first , I thought I was imagining things , but I picked it up and studied it . It was a picture taken when she was young , probably in her twenties . There 's no doubt that it 's her . I 've seen it before among her things . " " I 've been asking myself the same thing , and I have no idea why . There was a date on the back . It was four years ago , in late May , and the name of a legal firm in Vancouver B . C . was stamped underneath it . I was already at the farm then . I 'd been there a few months by that time . " " No . To be honest , that 's what really bothers me about this whole thing . What the hell is going on ? Why has no one mentioned that they knew her or had a picture of her ? God , I 've come to feel like I was part of the family ; like they are all my close friends . Honestly , Christina , why would the people I consider friends keep something like that from me ? It wasn 't shoved away and forgotten in a corner . It was right there on the desk , in front of his chair . Ellie has to know . How would you feel ? " " When I first saw the picture , I was shocked and I just sat there for a long time , feeling confused . To be honest , I felt betrayed . Then I got mad and I didn 't know who I could believe or trust . I just wanted to get out of there . " " Tim , I haven 't really known everyone much longer than you have . I 've worked for Shauna Lee for years , but until she met Brad , she was nothing more than an employer . I knew she had gone out with Colt before he married Frank , and I 'd seen Colt and Bob come into the office , but I didn 't really know them on a personal basis . I saw Ollie off and on over the years , but just in passing . " But now , I believe in all of them ; they are true friends . I … you … we 've seen it over and over again . They … we … support each other through thick and thin . We 're there for each other when things go wrong , we celebrate together when things go well . Everyone works hard , they play together … they 're awesome people . There 's something that we 're missing . " " But what can it be ? " He sighed and looked out the side window . " I 'm so tired of having life go sideways on me . I was beginning to settle in , feel a part of things . " He thumped the steering wheel with his hand . " And then this happens and now I 'm questioning everything again . I can 't deal with another betrayal . " " Okay , let 's try using some logic , instead of emotion . Was your mom still alive when you came here ? Somehow I thought your dad died last . " " He did . That 's the thing . Mom was gone for six years before Dad died . So , why would anyone be sending out her picture four years later ? " " Don 't assume the worst , Tim . You should talk to Ollie and Colt . You need to go back to the ranch as soon as you can and get it all out in the open . If you can wait until next weekend , I 'll go with you , for support . " |
I have been enjoying spending time with family over the past few days . I really do enjoy holidays because it seems like they always bring the family together . We didn 't get to see Clint 's family this year for Christmas , but hopefully we will get to visit them in February . I am babysitting my nieces and nephew this coming Saturday night . I have not done this since I have had Summer ( and not much before then . . . hmmm I hope I 'm not a bad aunt ) , but I am looking forward to it . They are growing so fast and I need to spend more time with them before they get too old to want to hang out with me . Today Clint , Summer and I went furniture shopping . We finally broke down and got a bedroom suit for the condo . We did not , however , get any patio furniture . . . uuggghhh . We spent so much time looking and nothing . I really wish we could 've just found something that would 've worked . . . . I 'm over the shopping ! Summer was a good girl the whole day . She really is such a good baby . The sales lady at furniture store loves her too . Everyone always oohs and ahhs over her when we go out so I know it is not just my opinion . I got all the Christmas pictures on the computer last night ( and labeled ! ! ! ) , but it was late when I finished so I decided to post them later . . . which is now . I think there were 177 pictures from Christmas which seems like a lot , but when you look at them it isn 't really . I love my new digital camera . I have close to 1000 pictures of Summer and she is not even 8 months old yet . That is crazy ! I really need to get them all backed up on CDs in case something happens to my computer . Posted by This morning Summer has been playing in the floor with her toys . She is feeling better for the most part . This morning she woke up around 4 : 45 coughing so I got up and gave her some cough medicine and fed her . Shortly after she ate , she started coughing again and ended up throwing up all of the milk . So , Clint and I got up and he held her while I changed our sheets and got her some new clothes . I suctioned her nose a little bit which she , of course , did not like one bit . After that she was happy and played in the floor for a little while before I put her back to bed . She was good while my sister and I made cookies the other day . Her naps were short lived because there was too much going on in the house and she did not want to miss out on anything . My niece and nephew painted some ornaments and also helped us cut out the sugar cookies . They also helped keep Summer entertained so we could get all of our goodies made . I ended up taking some to my neighbors and a few friends . My sister took some home with her too . It was pretty fun , but I had a backache at the end of the day . Tonight we are going to my grandad 's house to have Christmas with my mom 's family . It starts at 6 : 30 which is pretty close to Summer 's bed time , so I am anxious to see how she will act . I hope to get her a late nap so that she will hopefully be in a good mood . Gotta run . . . . busy day . . . presents to wrap . . . Summer has not been feeling good since Tuesday . It is actually the first time she has been sick . She had a runny nose so I called the doctor to see what I needed to do . They said to suction her nose and put some saline drops in it . I decided to put that off as a last resort because I knew it would not be a good experience for me or Summer . That night she woke up at 11 : 00 crying . . . I think because she couldn 't breath very well . Clint went and got her and brought her down to our bedroom to sleep in her pack - n - play . She woke up a few times which kept Clint and I up quite a bit that night . Around 3 : 00 she woke up crying again . This time I decided to use the suction and saline . I was right about it not being a pleasurable experience , but it might have helped . . . not sure . I went ahead and fed her and finally got her back to bed around 4 : 00 . It was the first time she has kept us up at night so I guess we are lucky . All day yesterday , she wanted me to hold her . . . she did NOT want to play in the floor by herself . It was actually nice since I was staying home anyway . We sat on the couch and she fell asleep on me while I watched TV . I called the doctor to make sure I didn 't need to bring her in since she had started coughing too . They said I didn 't unless she had a fever . When I talked to my pediatrician at my Jazzercise class , ( aren 't I lucky to work out with my pediatrician ? ) she said there is no way she would take the baby in because there are so many germs at the dr . office right now . She also said I could try elevating one end of the bed while she sleeps to see if that might help her breath better . Clint and I went to workout at 3 : 00 and Summer still insisted on being held . So we passed her back and forth while the other did their set . We actually had gotten a babysitter for the evening , but decided it was not worth it to leave her with them . So , we went out to eat with them instead . She fell asleep on me while we were waiting for our food , so I put her in her car seat . Before I was finished eating , she woke up and wantePosted by It 's hard to believe that it is already Christmas . It seems like just the other day it was summer and now December is halfway over . We celebrated Christmas with my dad 's side of the family yesterday minus my dad . . . : ( We had a good time even though he wasn 't there with us . My granny got some panties which gave everyone a good laugh . Summer got a baby that kisses and says " I love you ! " It was so cute because she kissed it when she got it and no one was able to get it on camera . . . especially me since my camera died at the beginning of the party . . . bummer . I guess the reason for that is because Clint took pictures at my graduation ( I now have a Masters in Business Administration - - YEAH ! ! ! ) right before the party and ran the batteries down . Oh well . . . at least I got some pics of my graduation and a few of Summer at the beginning of the party . I took a lot of pictures of Summer today . I put the bonnet and booties I made her on her and laid her on the blanket I made for her . I almost forgot to let her wear them before she outgrew them . It will probably be the only time she wears them , but it was worth all of the effort I put into making them . She has been fussy and drooling a lot over the past few days which makes me think she is cutting another tooth , but I don 't see a new one coming in anywhere . Last night she woke up around 11 : 00 crying which never happens . I left her there for a few minutes to see if she would fall back to sleep , but she didn 't . So , I went and got her . Clint was watching the ball game and I was ready for bed , so he took her into the living room and held her until she fell asleep . She was up at 5 : 00 this morning to eat which is earlier than usual , but luckily she went back to sleep until almost 8 : 00 . She took a few good naps today , but was ready for bed before 7 : 00 . I hope she does not get up too early in the morning . . . Hopefully we can manage to go to the aquarium sometime this week . I have been wanting to go back ever since we went the first time over a month ago ( we have a years membership ) , but I haven 't made it back yet . Maybe tomorrow . . . . Last night we went out to Outback to celebrate a friend 's birthday . Summer was being a good girl and playing with the other little girl in our party ( she 's 8 ) . When no one was looking , Summer swiped a chicken finger off of her plate and started eating it . I was surprised when I turned to look at her and there she was chicken finger in mouth ! ! ! She didn 't eat very much , but she did enjoy what she did eat . It was her first meat , and I guess her way of telling me she 's want meat ! Lucky me had the camera on hand , so I got lots of pictures of it . She has also started using a sippy cup . She is doing pretty good and I don 't think we will have a problem going from the bottle , which she only gets juice in , to the sippy cup . Summer has never been really picky about where her food comes from . She will take any nipple on any bottle and drink from pretty much anything you want ( or don 't ) her to . One of my neighbors brought Summer a Christmas present over today , so I let her go ahead and open it . She really liked the wrapping paper , but she did not eat any of it today . She just chewed on it a little and then got distracted by something else . She liked the toy too . . . a panda bear . . . it makes noise when you move the head , arms and legs and the paws have beads in them so they rattle . It was really nice of the neighbor to think of her ( Thanks Beverly ! ) . When the weather was warmer , we used to go see her often , but now that it has gotten cooler we don 't get to see her and Bill that often . I 'm sure next spring we will get to see them more . I miss our walks down the street and stopping at their house to talk . Just a few more months . . . or maybe even sooner . It is supposed to be in the 70 's this weekend and the beginning of next week so maybe we 'll get to go for a walk then . It 's crazy to think that it is the middle of December and it is this warm ! Global warming . . . . . She finally got the present she started opening on Monday opened yesterday . It only took her two days . . . . opening presents may take a while this Christmas . . . LOL . Anyways , I need to go get finished packing for the weekend . Posted by Today Summer decided it was time to open presents . She started opening one of my nephew 's presents so I decided to go ahead and let her have one of hers . I didn 't really think she would get it open , but I was wrong . She did manage to get about a third of the paper off and that was really all she was interested in . Once she got it off , she proceeded to put it in her mouth and try to eat it . She didn 't really even give a hoot about the present , the paper was what she wanted . I ran and got the video camera to get it on tape - - her 1st time opening a present . I also took a few pics which are on the camera out in the car . I am too lazy to get up and go get it right now , so I will post them later . She is also starting to " talk " . She has been making noises and cooing for a few months , but now it is like she is talking - - just in a language I can 't understand . It is cute though . She goes on and on . . . I just wish I knew what she was saying . Tonight in the car it did sound like she was saying dadadadada ( that 's what Clint heard ) along with other similar sounds . I think I am going to try to teach her some basic words in sign language so we will be able to communicate in some way until she actually learns to talk . I hope I can be consistent enough for her to actually learn a few words . I have been doing " eat " and " drink " for a few weeks , but I really need to be more consistent with it . I am also going to try " more " and " love " and " bath " and " bed " for now . I may try a few others if I see a word that I think would be beneficial . I guess I haven 't really got it all figured out so I will just try to play it by ear , but the key will be for me to be consistent . I have at least got a few websites on my Favorites that I can refer to for the correct signs although I read you can just make up your own signs for words . It makes more sense to use the correct signs though . Hmmmmm . . . what else ? ? ? She still just has the one tooth . She is crawling around a lot more and getting into more things . I guess you could say she is exploring more now . I have to keep a close eye on her or else she will definitely get into something she shouldn 't . Have I mentioned how much she loves paper ? I swear I think she can smell it or something . You would think it tasted like candy or chocolate or something the way she loves to put it in her mouth . Sometimes when she crawls , she straightens her legs out like she is trying to stand up . It kind of looks like she is doing a push up with her bottom up in the air . She is getting to where if you hold her hands , she will pull herself up and stand up . She doesn 't really walk yet , but she will stand there for a while and may take a step or two . I am NOT ready for her to start walking yet . It will only be a matter of time though . I am enjoying being a mom . . . I never imagined it would be so rewarding , but having a happy little girl to spend my days with is awesome . I am so lucky to have Clint and Summer in my life ( and all my other family members ) . Posted by I guess now that Summer has a tooth she is definitely " teething " . For the past few months I have heard the question " Is she teething ? " many times . My answer was always " I don 't know . " I 'm not sure how long it usually takes between teeth , but I 'm not really anxious for another one . Now I have to make sure to brush her tooth everyday . . . I guess ? ? ? I 'm not really sure about that one and I am too lazy to look it up on the Internet so I 'll just go with that until I go back to the pediatrician . The good thing is she likes the toothbrush . Of course she pretty much likes anything you ( or she ) puts in her mouth so that 's not a big surprise . It seems like she is trying to chew on things in the back of her mouth so I wonder if she is cutting a molar . I guess I will just have to wait and see . She was a little irritable tonight which I 'm not sure if it was due to teething or just being tired . I left the teething tablets with my sister , so I ended up giving her some Tylenol . Today she discovered the Christmas tree . A couple of days ago she discovered the presents , but never actually touched the tree . Today she grabbed a few limbs and tried to put them in her mouth . Then she realized the presents were much more fun because they are wrapped in paper which she absolutely loves to chew on . She got the tag off of one present , but I got it before she chewed it up or swallowed any . I guess I am going to have to keep a close eye on her now that she knows what good stuff is waiting for her under the tree . . . if she only knew . I can 't wait until Christmas even though I know it won 't be as great as next year or the years to come . This year it will be all about the paper and boxes . Yesterday we went to a playdate with 4 other babies - two girls and two boys . We have had playdates with Lili before , but this time some others came to join us . The boys , Ashton and Aiden , are twins and are about 2 months younger than Summer . Kately is about 2 weeks younger than Summer . They had a pretty good time together . Summer was tired when we got there because she missed her afternoon nap , but she was pretty good despite being tired . Needless to say she fell asleep in the car and went straight to bed when got home . Saturday we took Summer to her first parade . It was the downtown Christmas parade . It was cool outside , but not as cold as I thought it was going to be . Nonetheless , I still had Summer bundled up so she would stay warm . We didn 't stay for the whole thing because it was really long and she wasn 't getting very much out of it . So we went back to the condo and ate leftovers from the Christmas lunch we had earlier that day and put her to bed . That 's about it . Enjoy they pics . I wish I could get more pics of her tooth , but she only shows it off when the camera is not in my reach . . . hummmmmmmmm Today Summer and I walked down to the neighbors house to say Hi . While we were there , the neighbor was looking at Summer smile and said , " Is that a tooth ? " I was like no , she doesn 't have any teeth . Then I looked at her gums and there it was . . . her first tooth . I was so surprised I had to keep checking it to make sure my eyes weren 't deceiving me . It looked like it was still under the gum , but when I rubbed my finger on her gums I felt it . She had been fussy all morning long and I just thought it was because I had held her all day yesterday and she wanted to be held today too . But , apparently she is teething . She has slept a lot today and wants me to hold her . My mom and Tre came to visit and she still wanted me over them which was surprising . She played with them for a while , but she wasn 't letting me out of her sight . They helped me decorate our Christmas tree which looks awesome . I will have to take a picture and post it so my distant family members can see what a good job we did since they won 't be coming here for Christmas . It is a 12 foot tree , and I was really scared I wouldn 't be able to get it looking as good as I did 2 years ago when my dad helped me decorate it . But , I think we did pretty good . I can 't believe we got it all done in one day . I really thought it would take me a day or two to get it done , but they were a big help . This will probably be the last time I put that tree up because next year Summer will probably want to help . Hopefully we will have this house sold by then too . . . if we are lucky . Anyways , I guess that is it . I will try to get new pics up in a few days . Hopefully she won 't be walking by then . . . LOL It all started on Thanksgiving Day . Of course I did not see her crawl until the morning after . We got up , like any other day , and went into the living room to play with some toys . I was sitting there watching her go after something under the coffee table and there she was CRAWLING ! I ran to get the video camera so I could capture the moment . Then I proceeded to call all my family members and tell them of her new accomplishment . I called my dad first only to find out that she had actually crawled for him the night before but he was afraid to tell me because he thought I would be upset that I missed her doing it for the first time . I was cool with that though because he only sees her a couple of times a year being that he lives all the way on the other side of the country . So , it was actually neat that he got to be there for one of her " firsts " . It was so exciting seeing her make her first moves forward instead of backwards . Now , she is completely mobile which is exciting and scary at the same time ! I 've got to keep a close eye on her now and make sure there is nothing lying around that will hurt her . I 'm going to have a busy day tomorrow getting the house baby proofed . At least I have the " cage " . . . . LOL I am going to try to decorate for Christmas too . I am anxious to see how she reacts to the Christmas tree . We are home from our trip , and I just put Summer to bed . I am sooooooooooooooo happy to be home and back to our normal ( if there is such a thing ) schedule . The time difference really killed me this trip . After we got home , she was crawling all over my floor and climbing on me . I wonder how long it will be before she starts pulling herself up onto things . I saw a 9 month old at a restaurant tonight who is already walking . I wonder if that will be her in a few months . I love watching her grow , but I wish she would slow down . Before I know it , she will be all grown up . Oh my , I am sooooooo tired . Can you say jet lag ? There is a 3 hour time difference b / w here and home . So , at 5 : 30 this morning when Summer got up to eat , she did NOT go back to sleep as usual . She knew it was really 8 : 30 , so needless to say , I am super sleepy today . I did not get into bed until after midnight Tennessee time , so I did not get enough rest . I figured Summer would sleep late since she too did not get into bed until midnight our time . She only took an hour nap on the plane ride too ! I thought for sure she would be tired since she got 4 hours less sleep than usual , but she was a happy girl this morning . She did pretty good on the plane again . At first she was a little fussy , but she fell asleep and took a nap so I decided I would watch the movie they were showing on the plane . She woke up before it was over , but I still got to watch it . She was amused by a man sitting across from us , so she just smiled at him while sitting in my lap . Right now she is taking a nap which is what I should be doing , but of course I just laid there thinking about how soon I would have to get up so I gave up on taking a nap myself . We are going out to dinner with the family tonight at a Japanese restaurant in the Palms . It is pretty good , so I am excited . My mother - in - law always takes us out to nice places when we are here which is a treat . Today me and Amanda got pedicures and manicures . Then we were going to get massages , but when the time came we found out that you have to be 18 to get a massage in the state of Nevada . She is only 16 , so she wouldn 't have been able to get hers . So , I decided I would cancel mine too because I didn 't want her to just be sitting there waiting on me . I was pretty bummed out because I was really looking forward to the massage . But , we found a way to book me a massage tomorrow and she will get her hair done at the same time . Actually it is going to take longer for her to get her hair done , so I am going to get to play video poker in the casino while I wait on her . YEAH ! ! ! I was worried I wouldnPosted by Summer is on the verge of crawling ! ! ! She can sit herself up and move around to where she wants to be by a series of sitting up , turning and other moves . She will get on all fours and look like she is going to crawl , but she hasn 't figured out how to move her legs the right way . I know it will probably be within the next two weeks . . . at least it seems like it will be . There is still one position she won 't get herself out of . If she falls back or is laying on her back , she will start fussing until someone helps her sit up or turns her over to her belly . I know she has turned herself over before , but she will not do it if she knows there is someone around . I think in the bed she might roll herself over , but I 'm not certain . It is too hard for me to let her just lay there and whine , so I help her up . I 'm not sure if this is the " right " thing to do or if I should let her figure it out , but I know she will eventually figure out how to roll herself over . I have the " cage , " as Clint likes to call it , ( it is really the play yard fence I got from Wal - Mart ) in the living room floor . It is still open on one side , but I moved all her toys into it so she will get used to playing in it before I actually need to close it . It is plenty big enough for us to play in together even when it is closed . She loves to play with her toys . . . she knows how to dump all the toys out of the storage bin they are in . . . she always makes sure to dump the blocks out of their container . It is funny , if I put them back in it , she goes straight for it . She doesn 't really even play with the blocks yet . She 's lucky she 's so cute because I could just leave them spilled out all over the floor , but I always pick them up just so she can dump them out again . I really love her soooo much . It is crazy how she makes me feel . She 's got me wrapped around her finger . Let 's just hope she doesn 't figure that out ! She took her first bath sitting up the other day . She has been ready for a while , but I wanted to get it on video , so I had to wait until I had the camera handy . She likes it , but it is hard for me to wash her now . . . . and rinsing . . . hmmmmm . I still don ' thave it figured out , but I guess that will come in time . I guess that is it . We are going to visit Clint 's family and my dad for Thanksgiving . I can 't wait ! Today at lunch , Clint and I were letting Summer sit on the table and play with the spoon that came with the rest of my silverware . She was having a good time putting in her mouth and checking it out ( it was a BIG spoon ) . When our food came , I moved her to my lap and that is when she made a discovery . If she hits the table with the spoon , it makes a noise . It was so cute to see her realize that she could make noise with the spoon and the table . Lucky for us , she did not do it for too long . Okay , my step daughter is evil . Not really , but she just came in here and asked me if she could eat some of this ice cream cake I bought a few weeks ago . I went into the kitchen to help her , and of course I couldn 't resist . Clint and I already had ice cream after dinner earlier so I didn 't really need any more , but it looked so good . And it is ! I usually eat a grapefruit about this time every night , but not tonight . . . I ate ice cream cake instead ! And I 'm not going to get to work out tomorrow . Oh well ! Hmmmmmmmm . . . where was I at ? Oh yeah , Summer is so adorable . I love watching her explore and learn new things . I will be doing that for years to come so I had better enjoy it . She was ready for a nap after we left the restaurant , so we walked back to the condo and I put her down . She went right to sleep and slept for at least an hour and a half . Then I had to wake her up so we could go workout . I wish I could 've let her wake up on her own , but we already had the appointment with Matt . While we were working out , I looked at her and saw she was making me a present . . . LOL . I waited a while to make sure she was finished and the next time I looked at her , I could see my present through her clothes . It had came out of the top and bottom of the diaper . I had to take her into the bathroom and wash her off in the sink . There was so much poop on her clothes that I almost threw the outfit away ( it is probably the last time she will wear it anyway b / c it is getting small on her ) , but Clint and I both like the outfit ( which is white . . . of course ! ! ! ) so he took it outside to a water hose and rinsed it off . That was one of the messiest diapers she has ever had . . . even messier than the funeral experiencea few weeks ago . I guess cleaning poopy messes has to bring me down off of the " my baby is so wonderful " high every once in a while . By the way , did I tell you my baby is the best baby in the WHOLE world ? Of course she is ! I know most moms feel this way about their children at least for the first few years anyway , right ? I hope I feel this way forever because it sure does feel good . Well , I feel like I am rambling on . I need some serious sleep . I may go to bed early and tape " What about Brian ? " which does not come on until 10 : 00 . I actually did get to nap for a little while today , but I too had to get out of bed to go workout . It was such a wonderful nap too ! I really need to do that more often . Okay , rambling again . . . I outta here ! Posted by Okay , here are the long awaited ear pictures and a few from the 6 month checkup . Sorry it took me so long to get them posted . The week just flew by and before I knew it was Sunday . On a side note , the weirdest thing just happened to me . I was sitting here checking my email and my stomach moved . . . . . . . WHAT ? ? ? ! ! ! ! It kind of freaked me out because that hasn 't happened since I was pregnant with Summer and I 'm not sure what it could be . hmmmmmmmmmm and another one for good measure hmmmmmmmmmmm All I do know is it was weird . Clint says it was probably just a stomach spasm . Anyone ever had one of those ? Oh well , I guess I won 't worry about it . But , I find myself looking at my stomach every few minutes . . . . . . Summer is really moving around now and sitting herself up all the time . She is up on all fours all the time but she is still not crawling . It is cute to watch her move around and try to get to where she wants to be . I got my big play pen in the mail Friday . So , I am ready for her whenever she does start crawling . . . at least I think I am . She stayed at the condo with Clint and I this weekend . I didn 't arrange for a babysitter because my sister hurt her arm last weekend and my mom babysat last Friday so I didn 't want to push my luck . I called to talk to my mom on Friday night and she told me she thought that I would have called and asked her to keep Summer that night . If only I had known she wanted too , I definitely would have . We still had a good time this weekend . Summer goes to bed at 8 : 00 , so we had plenty of time to ourselves . Anyways , I gotta focus on the TV now ! Today was Summer 's 6 month checkup . She got 4 shots , one of which was the flu shot . She has to go back in a month for a 2nd flu shot because they said the first one does not make them completely immune to the flu . Clint held her today while she was getting her shots . . . and not enjoying it I must say . I was video taping and Clint was smiling while he was holding her . I got that on tape , so one day she will see her dad smiling at the same time she is screaming her head off . Well , it is still attached , but you know what I mean . She weighed 17 lb . 2 oz . ( 75 percentile ) and was 27 1 / 4 " tall ( 85 percentile ) . So , she is big for her age , but her body is well proportioned so she is growing well . The doctor said Summer is developmentally a month ahead of where she should be right now . She said she thinks Summer may walk early . . . . YIKES ! ! ! I am NOT ready for that . I still have to find one of those fence things for my living room which neither Wal - Mart nor Target carry so I am not sure where to get one . . . . hmmmm . . . any ideas ? Oh yeah , the paper that they put on the table / place where the patient sits during an exam ( I am drawing a blank on what it is called ) was Summer 's favorite thing about her visit today . The stethoscope was a close second . Anyway , Summer was ripping the paper and trying to eat it . She made a big mess and we finally had to get rid of it all together and just put her on the table without the paper . She is all about paper right now . If she sees it , she wants it . When we were in the waiting room , Clint was holding her and trying to read a magazine . Summer got a hold of one of the pages and ripped it out . Lucky for us , she did not pitch too much of a fit when we took it away from her . She was pretty good during the whole visit , but at the end she got a little cranky . I don 't know if she sensed that the shots were coming or what , but she got restless . She did not cry for that long after the shots and was all better by the time I got her clothes back on . After that , we took her to the mall to get her ears pierced . IPosted by Today I went upstairs to get Summer out of bed after one of her naps and she was sitting there playing . I was shocked . I didn 't know she could sit herself up . I am going to have to start putting the rail up on her bed now . I also need to get one of those fence play pens to put in the floor so I 'll be ready when she starts crawling . Maybe I 'll do that sometime this week . We also gave her a cracker for the 1st time today . I put her in her high chair while Clint and I were eating lunch and thought I 'd see if she would eat one . Of course she did ! ! ! She 'll eat anything we give her . I also gave her a few bites of mashed potatoes . I forgot while we were eating that she could eat those , but after I was done I thought about it . So , I gave her a few bites from Clint 's plate . For dinner tonight she had peas . Surprisingly she didn 't eat the whole jar . She had some toys on her high chair and got distracted playing with them . Oh well . . . . Yesterday we went to Willow 's 1st birthday party . Summer and Willow played together for a while . It was cute watching them . There were 3 books in the floor with them . Willow had two , so I gave Summer one . Willow would take the book away from Summer and I would give her the one Willow put down . Then Willow would take that away from her and on and on . They were both calm the whole time , but it was funny because they don 't know how to share yet . At this point , they don 't get mad when the toy is taken away , they just try to get it back . I hope over the years they learn to share with each other and become great friends just like their moms are . That would be soooooooo cool . Later when it was time for Willow to eat her cake , she wouldn 't touch it . So , I thought I would let Summer have at it thinking Willow would want it if Summer had it . That didn 't work . My baby , of course , immediately stuck her hand in the icing and put it in her mouth . Willow was still looking at the cake with fear in her eyes . Selena took her hand and put it in her in the icing . She then put the icing hand in the other hand and then looked at them and started screaming . Needless to say Willow didn 't eat any cake . I know when it is Summer 's 1st birthday , she is going to be all over the cake . . . . and anything else we give her . I didn 't get any pics of this , but now I wish I did . I did take a few pics of Willow which I will try to post soon . She is a cutie ! Tuesday night Clint and I took Summer trick or treating with our friend 's little girl . Summer was a bunny and Clint and I were Redskin fans . I got a few picks of Summer , but I forgot to take any of Clint and myself . Oh well . . . we went to about 10 or 15 houses . Some of the people looked like they didn 't want to give her any candy . A few asked what they had that she could eat and of course I picked out what I liked b / c we all know the candy is for me . . . not Summer . I mean , wasn 't that obvious ? I was lugging around a 20 pound ( a guess ) baby in a Halloween costume , didn 't I deserve some candy ? Anyways , I some people didn 't think so . My wrists were tired and cramping by the time we got back to my friend 's house . But , it was worth it . Summer had a great time . I let her chew on a 3 Musketeer while it was still in its wrapper . She dropped it a few times , but I heard it and picked it back up . She would get so excited as times and would kick her legs and arms and make happy noises . I know she had a smile on her face even though I couldn 't see it in the dark . She also had her first candy . Amy gave her a grape tootsie roll pop to suck on before we left . She really liked it . After that , we went over to another friend 's house and handed out candy for a while . Overall , it was a great night . On a side note , the funeral went pretty good and Summer was a good girl during the service . When we got to the funeral home , Summer was in a dress . When we left , she was in a onesie and sweats . Let 's just say " blowout " and leave it at that . Oh yeah , and too bad I didn 't take myself a shirt . . . LOL . My aunt died on Monday , and today is the funeral . It is sad to see someone so young ( 43 ) and loved pass away . She had been battling cancer for almost 5 years , and it finally got the best of her . Over the past 6 weeks or so , we knew she was dying . So , Summer , Clint and I tried to visit her at least once a week . She loved seeing Summer and always lit up when we walked in the front door . She would hold her and give her lots of kisses and tell me how precious she is . Last Tuesday was the last time I took Summer to see her . Even though she was in a lot of pain and barely able to talk , she got the strength up to hold Summer . She lifted her in the air and of course gave her lots of kisses . It was amazing to me to see her put forth so much effort to hold my little girl when she couldn 't even get out of bed or pick up a cup of water . There were only a few words I could understand that day and the last one was " kisses " . She said that before we were leaving , and I knew that meant she wanted to give Summer some more kisses . I know she loved my little girl and I am glad I had the opportunity to brighten her day by sharing Summer with her . I said my goodbyes to her on Sunday , and Monday morning my mom called with the news that she had gone to be with my Memaw up in heaven . Today at the funeral I am reading a poem that I wrote for her a little over a week ago . I hope God gives me the strenght to do it without breaking down . We will truly miss her as she was such a wonderful person . Today Summer and I spent some time with my sister and her kids . Summer actually spent the night with my sister last night so Clint and I could have a night out . My sister and mom have really been great at giving me and Clint time alone . They love keeping her and tease each other about whose turn it is to keep her . I 'm glad they enjoy her so much because I really like spending time alone with Clint . Anyways , this morning after Clint and I went to Panera for breakfast , I drove to Trenton to get my baby . She was happy to see me and ready to eat ! I fed her and then took some pictures of her with her cousins . She was ready for a nap , so I put her to bed and then spent some time with my sister . It was nice hanging out with her for a while because it is not something we do very often . My granny came over to see the baby while she was napping . She had been asleep for about an hour and a half , so I finally woke her up so my granny could see her before she left . Then me , my sister , and our girls went to eat lunch . After that we stopped by a few shops in Trenton to look for a Batman costume for my nephew . We couldn 't find one , so we ended up getting him a Spiderman costume . Oh yeah , Summer wore her Halloween costume today . She was so cute and everyone was admiring her . Overall , it was a pretty good day . It made me realize that I need to spend more time with my sister because I enjoy being around her . What we really need is someone to take care of our kids so we can have some real fun ! ! ! Summer has done a few new things this past week . Last Saturday when I went to my mom 's house to visit and pick her up , we went out in the yard and let her play with the leaves that had fallen on the ground . She really liked looking at the leaves and tasting them . The green and yellow leaves were her favorites . She did not taste the red leaves . . . I 'm not sure why . We got some cute pictures of her with the leaves and in a tree . The ones in the tree would be better if they were just her , but I couldn 't very well leave her in the tree alone ! She used her high chair for the first time last Friday . She also had her first oatmeal with bananas meal at the same time . When we first put her in the high chair she was checking it out and it seemed like she liked it . However , now it does not seem that she likes to be in it unless she is eating . She would rather be in my arms or her daddy 's arms . . . go figure . On Sunday she had her 1st green peas . She liked them . They have a different texture than the other vegetables , but she didn 't seem to mind . I tried to make all smily faces while she was eating them . . . I hate peas ! ! ! But , I don 't want her to know that . I was all " Yummy ! Peas ! " I 'm not sure if that was necessary because she ate the whole jar . I am feeding her the big 4 oz . jars now instead of the 2 . 5 oz jars . I was surprised that the first time I gave her a big jar , she ate the whole thing . I didn 't expect that , but I guess she is growing . She drinks about 2 - 4 ounces of 1 / 2 juice - 1 / 2 water after she eats her veggie of the day . Let 's see what else . . . . . . . Oh yeah , she rode in the shopping cart for the 1st time this week at TJ Max . Then yesterday she rode in one at Old Navy . I guess that is pretty much it for firsts this week . She is getting up on all fours pretty good now , but she can 't really travel forward yet . She can scoot around as long as it is backwards . I 'm not rushing the crawling though . Although I know it will be so adorable when she finally does crawl , I will have to watch her like a hawk . Now I can leave the room for Summer seems to be rounding out . Before she had rolls on her arms , but her belly wasn 't really round . Now , she has a belly too . She is sooooo adorable and I just love her to pieces . . . rolls and all . I guess that is about it . I still haven 't gotten the cute " razzing " on video . She seems to get camera shy when I video tape her . Oh well . . . . maybe one day . Posted by Well , today is my 29th birthday . Clint and I went to dinner and a movie last night and then stayed at the condo . He got up this morning and went to work . So , I decided to go to Panera and get myself an IC Mocha and catch up on email since my mom has Summer . I am having a pretty relalxing day so far . Both of my parents and inlaws have called and sang " Happy Birthday " to me already . It was really nice of them to think of me and help start my day off right . After I leave here , I am going to make a stop by Wal - Mart - - my 7th or 8th trip this week ! ! ! ( at least . . . I lost track ) I don 't know what it is about that place , but I guess you could say I 'm drawn to it . I guess it is the convenience of " one stop " shopping . So far everything I have bought for the condo , excluding the refridgerator , has come from Wal - Mart . It is coming along pretty nice if I say so myself . The walls are still bare , but I have lamps , pillows , blankets and such . I am anxious to see my little girl too ! It is nice to have some time away from her , but it is also nice to be around her . Thursday Clint watched her for me while I went to workout . So , I decided to make a trip to Wal - Mart after the workout since I was alone . It is nice not to have to rush through the store like I do when Summer is with me . Then that night I had to go to school , so he watched her again for a few hours . She was not a happy camper that evening according to Clint . He had to hold her while he was working ( because she was crying . . . I guess she missed me ) and she fell asleep on his lap . It is nice to have him to watch her for me more now . She is more fun to play with now , so Clint is really enjoying her more . Last night I called my mom to check on the baby around 6 : 30 and she hadn 't eaten since she I fed her at 1 : 30 . Mom said she wouldn 't take a bottle or eat any food . I guess she was too busy having fun with Memaw and Nanny to take time out to eat . My mom called me back around 7 : 30 and said Summer had finally taken her bottle with cereal in it and was asleep . So , that eased my mind aPosted by Summer can pretty much sit on her own now . It has been about 2 weeks since she started sitting for about a minute at a time . Now she can do it for long periods of time . She is sooo big ! She does not like it when I leave her sight though . . . . . she wants me to be in her sight most of the time it seems like . I can leave her playing in the floor ( sitting ) , but after the toys get pushed too far away for her to reach she gets upset . She doesn 't know how to go from sitting to the floor I guess . All things in time . . . . . . which I 'm sure won 't be too far off . She has also started babbling and making " blowing " noises with her tongue . I really don 't know what they are called , but maybe that is the " raz " noise I have read about in books . It is really cute . Today when we were on a walk , she was jabbering and razzing ( I guess that is what I will call it ) . I wish I would 've gotten it on video tape . . . . maybe later . Anyways , I 've got to get back to my show . Enjoy the pics ! ! ! The past week has flown by . Clint 's sister came to visit us and is still here visiting . This is the first time she has seen Summer . We have been enjoying spending time with her since we only see her about once a year . Last weekend we started moving furniture into our condo downtown . My mom and sister came by to help watch the baby while we unloaded the furniture and got things set up . It is still an ongoing process . It seems like I am always finding something else that I need to either take down there or go out and buy . I have been to Wal - Mart numerous times trying to get everything I need , but I still don 't have it all . To top it all off , it is especially hard trying to do all this with Summer in tow . Her stroller has come in handy though . It has cut down on the number of trips I have to make from the car to the condo . Anyways . . . . . . . I finally got a new camera ! ! ! I am so excited to see how the pictures turn out . I need to take a bunch this weekend and then have them printed . Well , I better get off here . I 'll try to post some new pics later this weekend . Posted by Summer just continues to amaze me . She is growing up soooo fast ! She has pretty much got the sitting thing down . I still have to watch her to make sure there is nothing for her to fall on , but she can pretty much balance herself . She will sit and play with her toys for a few minutes at a time , so it shouldn 't be long before she can do it for longer . I still have to sit her up . . . I 'm not sure how long it will be before she can sit up by herself , but I think it is still a ways off . She is sitting in a high chair every time we go to a restaurant now . She likes it okay . . . but sometimes she falls back and knocks her head on the back of the chair . I have to put a blanket and clothes from her diaper bag behind her to help keep her from doing that . She has also been " eating " lemons when we go out which is fun to watch . I need to get the high chair I bought out of the garage , but I keep forgetting to . The day goes by and it is time for her to eat , and the high chair is still in the garage . Maybe one day this week . . . . She smiles all the time and makes me smile too . I really am lucky to have such a good baby . She has been so good this past week . She doesn 't cry as much as she used to ( which was not a lot anyway ) and just seems to be a happy baby . I am really blessed to have her in my life . Oh yeah , the other day she rolled from her back to her belly . Of course I didn 't see her , but I know how she was when I laid her in the floor . I was cooking dinner and looked over at her and she was on her belly . That is the first ( and only ) time I know of that she has done that . I hope I can be there for all of her major milestones . . . especially for the first time she says mommy . I can 't wait for that day ! Summer is down for a surprise nap so I thought I would take a minute to post some pics . Yesterday , she sat in a highchair at a restaurant for the 1st time . Of course I forgot my camera in the car I didn 't drive . Clint really wanted a pic of this milestone , so he went to the store next door to buy a disposable one . But , they didn 't have any so we took a pic with a friend 's phone which will hopefully be emailed to us . I guess we will have to wait and see . Summer can almost sit up by herself . She is learning to balance herself so it won 't be long . She can sit there for 30 seconds to a minute before she topples over . It is so cute , but at the same time it makes me a little sad . One day she will be all grown up and she won 't need me anymore which makes me both happy and sad at the same time . I will just try to enjoy every moment I have with her while she still depends on me for so much . Okay , I better get these pics posted because I 'm sure she will be up any minute . Okay , so the subject pretty much says it all . It seems like every time I do laundry , Summer 's clothes are coming out with new stains . . . even when they are pre treated . I consider myself the super stain getter - outer , so this is very frustrating for me not be able to get the baby food out of her clothes . I can get pretty much anything out of clothes except BABY FOOD ! So , every time I feed Summer , off come her clothes . When I leave her with others , I have to make sure to instruct them to take off her clothes before they feed her . Bibs don 't help . . . she likes to eat with her hands which don 't always stay on top of the bib . Sometimes I am able to keep her from putting her hands in her mouths , but most of the time I am not successful . Just when I think " she is not going to do it this time " , she does it ! I know it is just clothes and she will have outgrown them in a month , but I am the super stain getter - outer ! As for Summer , she is just growing so fast . I love it when other people hold her because I can look at her and I just sit there and think about how beautiful she is . I swear I don 't think I could ever get tired of looking at her . She is changing all the time now and I don 't want to miss a thing . I have not been taking enough pictures lately , but I do have a few that I can put on here . She is napping right now . She didn 't go to bed until 9 : 00 last night because we were out to dinner with some friends . Then I had to wake her up at 6 : 45 so we could take Amanda to school and then go work out . She has been down for about two hours now . She tried to wake up after an hour , but I just left her in her bed because she wasn 't crying ( just jabbering ) . So , she fell back to sleep . I 'm glad because I want her to have a good nap in so she will be good for my mom tonight . I am dropping her off at 2 : 30 and she is going to spend the night with her . I 'm not looking forward to having to pump while she is gone , but I think I might actually have time to go get the pedicure I have been wanting to get for like a month ! ! ! Then Clint and I aPosted by Summer is on her 2nd nap of the day . The first one was about 2 hours long and this one is about as long . I don 't know what is up with her today . Maybe she isn 't feeling good . I wonder whether or not she is teething . I don 't want to assume she is just because she is drooling like crazy and chewing on everything she can get her hands on . I need to go get her some teething tablets that my friend Selena gives to Willow . Right now I have some teething gel , but it is so thick / hard I can 't get it rubbed into her gums so I don 't think it is doing any good if she is teething . I really hope she isn 't because I am not ready for her to have teeth yet . She is growing and doing more things everyday . She reaches for everything in front of her . . . especially plastic bags . I think she likes the noise they make . Yesterday , we were eating downtown and she pooped out of her diaper . I went and changed her and got the waitress to bring me a bag for her clothes . She was sitting in my lap while I was eating , and she kept getting the bag and trying to chew on it . We decided that wasn 't good for her , so we moved the bag . Then I gave her a lemon to see if she wanted to chew on it . To our surprise , she liked it and didn 't want to give it up when I took it from her . She reaches for my cups and plates now . She is really interested in anything I will let her have . Earlier , we were sitting with Clint while he ate lunch and she was grabbing the bag of Cheetos . She got a Cheeto out and was tasting it . Clint made me take it from her . . . . . I just wanted to see what she would do with it . I guess I have to wait a while longer before she is ready for Cheetos . It is just so much fun to see how she reacts to different tastes . I am going to feed her some carrots this evening . I hope she will eat them like she did the first day I gave them to her . Well , I guess that is it . I just thought I would update this while I had a little time on my hands . I am getting a lot done today with all these naps . . . . . . My dad came to visit from Las Vegas two weeks ago . It was so good to spend time with him and watch him with Summer . We got to spend a few days with him , but of course it wasn 't enough . I wish she could see all of her grandparents often , but my mom is the only one who lives in town . So , I am really happy when we get a visit from the other three . I would really love to go out to Vegas to visit them sometime next month , but if I do it will just be me and Summer . Clint has to stay here and work and take care of Amanda so I 'm not sure if I will go yet . I really want to though . . . . . . . . decisions . . . . Anyway , we got to spend one day of my dad 's visit at my mom 's house with my brother , sister , niece , and nephew . My mom cooked a big lunch which was delicious . After we ate , we went outside and tried to get Summer to laugh at the dogs . She rode the 4 wheeler ( for the 2nd time ) and so did my niece and nephew . It was fun . I am so grateful for my family . I am really lucky to have such a great one where everyone gets along and there is not " drama " all the time like some people I know . The day my dad left , we went to my Aunt Sandra 's house for a family cookout . It was good to get to spend time with my aunts , cousins and my grandparents . They had not seen Summer in a month , so she had really changed since then . I did not take as many pictures as I should have , but I did get a few . Posted by Summer has two babies that are her age that she goes and " plays " with . Well , I guess they don 't actually play yet , but they do look at each other . Willow , my friend Selena 's baby , is 10 1 / 2 months old and Lili , my friend Alicia 's baby , is about 3 1 / 2 months old . I can 't wait until they can really play with each other . I know it won 't be long because Willow is already at the age where she can interact more with Summer . Summer still just looks at her and doesn 't really do much else . She will play with her toys though . One thing that is nice about this age is that they don 't mind sharing . . . LOL . They don 't care what toy they have . They will pretty much play with anything and are easily entertained . Here are a few pics of Summer 's last few playdates . I decided to give Summer some more veggies on Tuesday . I gave her carrots which were pretty runny so I mixed some cereal in with them to make them thicker . She ate the whole jar ! I also gave her water in a bottle when she seemed like she needed to wash it all down . Well , those carrots made the nipple this orangy - yellow color and it won 't come off . It is not a big deal , but now it looks like she is drinking out of a dirty nipple / bottle all the time ( I only have two nipples ) . She didn 't make any weird faces this time , but she was really messy when it was all over . Yesterday morning she had orange poop . . . then more orange poop in the afternoon . It caught me by surprise , but I guess that is normal . I gave her some more carrots yesterday evening , but she only ate half of the jar this time . I guess she wasn 't as hungry as the day before . She has also been drinking pear juice some in the afternoons which she seems to really like . Anyways , I hear her making noises in her bed so I am going to go see if she is ready to get up . Oh yeah , it look like she didn 't like them in this picture , but she was just ready to get out of the swing ! I gave Summer her first veggie - green beans - on Sept . 8 . She did pretty good eating it . At first she closed her mouth and didn 't look like she would eat anymore . Then she opened up and ate about half of the jar . . . . . all the while making some funny faces . I tried to feed her some bananas afterwards , but she wasn 't having any of them either . . . . and she likes bananas . I fed her the other half on the 10th , and she did not like it all this time . She actually started crying a few minutes after she ate them , and I think that they might hurt her stomach . I can 't remember if she did the same thing the first time I gave them to her , but I think she might have . So , we are not going to try them again for a month or so . I did give her some squash a few days ago and she seemed to like it better than the green beens . I think they tasted the same , but that 's just me . They did not seem to give her an upset stomach though so we 'll try them again in the next week or so . I am actually taking a break from jar food hoping that she will forget what the fruit tasted like and eat her veggies like a good girl . We 'll see if it works . . . . I hope so ! ! ! She has no problem at all eating bananas , peaches or applesauce . I have not fed her anymore pears since the first time because I think they hurt her stomach too . It is fun feeding her the veggies and seeing what kind of face she will make . I also pretend like they taste as good as the fruits , but I 'm not sure she is buying all the " Yummies ! " I am dishing out . Posted by Well , it seems as if I have a spoiled baby . . . . . . . . . big surprise , huh ? Her newest thing is crying . She must absolutely love to do because she does it all the time . I know it is my fault since I am the one who taught her to cry by picking her up most of the time . So , now I have to teach her not to cry . I know it is not going to be easy , but it has to be done . My mom says she will be a much happier baby if I do not pick her up when she cries ( if I know she is not hungry and has a clean diaper ) and just let her cry it out . . . . she needs to learn how to entertain herself and not depend on someone else to do it all the time . I can 't wait until she learns not to cry . The last few days have been pretty tough on me . I still love her to death though . She is so precious . . . . . . well , Clint needs the computer so I gotta go . Wish me luck ! ! ! Yesterday Clint and I took Summer in for her 4 month check up and shots . She weighed 14 lb . 15 oz and was 25 inches long . The doctor said she is advanced for her age . . . so you know that made me proud ! ! ! Everything went good while we were there . She did better this time around when she got her shots . I was breastfeeding her again when she got them . This time she only cried for a few seconds and then latched back on so that was good . The nurse was really quick at giving her the 3 shots which made me happy because it wasn 't as drawn out as the last time . She was pretty happy that afternoon and not as sleepy as I expected since she was on Tylenol all day . But , last night when I went to school she cried for her sister and her daddy and wouldn 't eat anything . Amanda ended up calling me and asking me what to do so I told her to just put Summer in the crib in my room , cut the fan on , and shut the door . I figured she would give it up and fall asleep since she was probably just tired ( and missing me of course ! ) . When I got home , Clint was holding her over his arm and walking around . She seemed content so that made me happy . She didn 't fuss anymore after I got home . . . I think she might be addicted to me . . . LOL A little bit later , I fed her and put her to bed . Earlier this week she took a 4 hour nap . It was crazy , but of course she hasn 't done that again . . . or even come close . Her naps are about 45 minutes on average . I just put her down for one and hopefully she will sleep longer because I had to wake her up this morning so we could take Amanda to school and go workout . So , I might go take a nap myself . She is sleeping for about 11 or 12 hours at night now which is surprising to me , but I am glad . I usually get up around 8 : 00 so I 'm glad she lets me sleep that late . Well , I 'm going to try to get that nap in so I won 't want to go to bed at 9 : 00 like I did last night . This past week flew by again . . . before I know it Summer will be all grown up . The other day Clint and I were shopping and they had bathing suits on sale . So we went ahead and got Summer one for next year . It has a matching hat , and we got her some sunglasses too . She is going to be so adorable ! Anyway , Clint was like , " Is she going to be walking next year ? " And I said , " Yes . " Then I thought about that for a second and I was like , " Oh my goodness she is going to be walking next year ! ! ! ! " It 's crazy to think that she will actually be walking by the time next summer rolls around . She is growing so fast and I am trying to soak it all up while she will still let me cradle her in my arms . Most of the time she likes to be sitting up where she can look around and see what is going on , but every now and then she will let me hold her in my arms . The other day she was really fussy . . . and tired . . . but she would not give it up and fall asleep . So , I picker her up and sat in my rocker and held her close . She went to sleep and I just watched her sleep in my arms for about 30 minutes . She is so precious . I know I don 't have much longer to do this , so I don 't mind rocking her to sleep every now and then . Most of the time she goes to sleep on her own . I just lay her in the bed and she either falls right to sleep or pops her thumb in her mouth and sucks it while she falls asleep . She is not a finger sucker anymore . She is a thumb sucker ! I don 't really like it , but she looks so cute when she does it . And if I take it out and replace it with a pacifier , she just gets upset . I guess I will just have to deal with it for now and hope she doesn 't do it when she is awake too . Summer spent the night with my mom on Friday night . When I went to get her on Saturday , I stayed and spent some time with the family . My nieces and nephew were there so it was good to get to see them for a while . Anyway , my mom took Summer out on the porch and sat down where she could watch the dogs play . Well , Summer just thought the dogs were hilarious . She was laughOkay , I can 't think of anything else right now . So , I am going to try to get the house cleaned up a bit while Summer is still napping . I put Summer in her bedroom last Thursday night . She got up around 5 : 30 to eat and then I took her to my room to finish out the night since we had to be up in an hour anyway . She did not give me any problems when I put her to bed . She went right to sleep as usual . She is pretty good about falling asleep on her own . The next night she spent the night with Auntie Erin , and last night I put her in her room again . She got up to eat around 4 : 40 , but went back to sleep in her own room afterwards . She got up around 8 : 40 this morning . When I got to her room , she had rolled over and was looking at her mobile . I like this new bed better because there are more things to entertain her here when she wakes up than in the pack - n - play she has been sleeping in since we brought her home . If she does manage to roll over in the pack - n - play , she is usually under the changing table and I can 't imagine looking at it is very interesting . I put her down for her nap about 10 : 15 and I can hear her sucking her hands now . It looks like this was one of those short naps she has been taking since we have been home from San Diego . Maybe I will get lucky and she will take a long one later today . Anyways , my baby is growing up . . . she 's in her own room now and seems to like it . Time flies by . . . . . . . . Where has the time gone ? I have been meaning to post since we got back , but it seems like time is flying by . Well , here goes . . . . . We went to San Diego on August 18 for Amanda 's program graduation . This was Summer 's 1st trip out of town and on an airplane . When we were in the airport waiting on the plane , she was a little fussy so I decided to go ahead and give her some Tylenol just to be on the safe side . We boarded the plane and Summer started freaking out . She didn 't know where she was and was not happy . So , I decided it would be a good time to feed her so she would calm down . That worked ! ! ! As soon as she started eating , she relaxed . Then she went to sleep , so that flight went pretty good . We had to change planes in Dallas . This flight was not as good as the first . She slept about half of the flight , but then was a little fussy for the remainder of it . She wasn 't too bad and overall I would call the trip a success . The flights home were even better . While we were in San Diego , Summer got to meet her grandparents for the first time . They kept her while Clint , Amanda and myself attended the seminar on Saturday and Sunday . She took really long naps for her Nona and I must say I am a little jealous . I thought when we got back home she would take naps like that too , but they have been much shorter since we have been back . Anyway , she was pretty good for them while they kept her . They all had a good time together and I enjoyed seeing them dote on her . Clint 's mom would sing to her and play patty cake with her . I even got a little of it on video so that one day when Summer is bigger she can see it for herself since I doubt she will remember it . I got some good pics of them together too . In the evening when it was time for us to go out and eat , she was pretty fussy . With the time difference ( 3 hours ) , it was already past her bed time when we were ready to go out . So , she was a little fussy and wanted her bed . But , we managed to get to go out to eat both nights with minimal trouble from Summer . I had to hold her one night while we were eating and she started chewing on my hand . It was the first time she had done that and it felt really weird to hOverall , the trip was great . It was nice getting to spend time with Clint 's parents . I know they enjoyed meeting their granddaughter . Hopefully , we will get to go visit them in Las Vegas soon . If not , I hope they will be able to make out here for Thanksgiving , Christmas or both ! ! ! Posted by Well , my two are down for a nap right now ( Clint and Summer ) . She should be waking up any time to eat . She was actually supposed to eat about 45 minutes ago , so I know she will be ready when she gets up . I should really try to get her to start going longer in between meals . . . at least I guess I shouldn 't always assume she is hungry at the three hour mark . But , I guess I do if I really think about it . I know sometimes she lets me know she is ready , but sometimes I am just ready to feed her . Of course my little piggy always happily accepts my breast . You can tell by looking at her she is not turning down any meals . . . LOL . She is healthy and has her rolls , but she is not too big . I really wonder how much she weighs right now . My arms get tired when I feed her and especially when I try to walk around a store / mall carrying her . I guess we will find out in a few weeks when she goes in for her next round of shots . I must say that I am not looking forward to that . It wasn 't fun the first time and I 'm sure this time it will probably be worse as she is much more alert than she was then . I am starting to get nervous about our flight on Friday . I really wonder how she is going to act and I pray she does not scream and cry the whole time . I know how it is to be on a plane with a screaming baby . . . but I have never been the one with the screaming baby . I used to get a little ill when the baby would not be quiet , and now that I have one I understand that the parents would prefer for the baby to be quiet . . . there just isn 't a button they can press to turn them off . It is more tricky than that . I know from experience of taking Summer to restaurants . Clint and I eat out a lot and it is not nearly as fun or relaxing as it used to be . Now that Summer is getting bigger , she wants to be able to look around and see what it going on and she doesn 't want to do it from her carseat ! ! ! So , when she starts crying and I can 't pacify her , I usually end up taking her out and holding her so the other people in the restaurant can enjoy their meal . I wish I could put her in a highchair , but she can 't sit up yet so that isn 't really an option . Our anniversary is on Monday , along with my in - laws , and we are all going out to eat to celebrate on Sunday while we are in San Diego . I am not taking Summer 's carseat with us b / c my mother in law is going to bring one with her from Vegas so we don 't have to worry about carrying it through the airport . I am not quite sure how this dinner is going to work with the baby b / c I don 't know what to put her in while we eat . I hope it won 't be my lap , but it just might . I guess we will see how it works when we get there . I 'm not going to worry to much about it b / c there isn 't a whole lot I can do . She is already requiring more stuff than me and Clint put together for this trip . We have her travel bed , bottle warmer , bottles , play mat , breast pump ( well , I guess that is for both of us ) , diapers , blankets , and clothes . I am also curious to see if they are going to let me on the airplane with frozen breast milk with all the terror alerts going on with the airports right now . . . . oh yeah and the gaPosted by I really feel tht I know what the term undconditional love means now that I am a mom . Having Summer in my life has really made me aware of how it works . I love her when she is smiling and happy . . . even when she is fussy and crying , I love her to death . There are no conditions on my love for her . I hope I can learn to apply this to all those I love . I think I do for the most part , but sometimes when things are not so great or I don 't get my way , it is easy put conditions on things or get mad and not be nice like I should be . There is that saying , " Treat others as you want to be treated . " It is not always easy to apply , but it is something I want to do more . I think it will make my relationships with others . . . especially my husband . . . stronger . Clint and I do have a great relationship . I don 't think I could ask for much more . I know he loves me and I love him too . But , of course every relationship has its moments . It does seem like our love is growing more and more as the days go by and that is a great feeling . It is pretty easy to unconditionally love Summer . . . although sometimes I do get discouraged . But , all it takes is a little smile or coo to snap me out of it . I would never be mean to her though . It just doesn 't seem possible to me right now . Although one day when she is older I 'm sure it will seem to her that I am being mean . Anyways , I am just sitting here listening to her on the monitor waiting for her to fall asleep . It is time for her morning nap . I really like this whole schedule thing . Although the times aren 't always exact and sometimes I am on the go , it is nice to know that she is about ready for her nap so I can get some things I need to do done . She usually takes about 3 naps a day , and I don 't really count them if they are less than a half hour . 5 minutes is not a nap ! ! ! She eats about every 3 hours and in the evening between her last two feedings , I give her some fruit . Yesterday she had applesauce for the first time and seemed to enjoy it . The only fruit that hasn 't worked so far is pears . I think Oh yeah , I didn 't take many pictures this week , but here are the two I did take . She got a swing from my friend and she seems to like it . Posted by Summer turned 3 months old today . We went and got her picture taken at Olan Mills . They did a great job on her 2 month pics , so I went back . . . plus I had a coupon . It was so hard to pic the pose I wanted because she took at least 10 different pictures . I might get a few other poses when I go back to pick them up if I can get a good deal on them . Before that we went to the JBF consignment sale for the 3rd time this week . Today was the last day and almost everything was 1 / 2 off . So I waited until today to get clothes for the winter . Earlier this week I bought Summer some toys and a few movies . She went with me all 3 times and Clint joined us the 2nd time . The first time we went , we were there for 2 hours . Summer was ready to go by the time I finally checked out . She even took a nap for a little while during that trip and the one today . After we went there and to get her picture taken , we went to the mall to shop for her sister some pants for school . We did not find any , and all I ended up with with a tired left arm ! ! ! I left her stroller at home because my trunk was full of toys from my trips to the sale earlier this week . Last Sunday I put Summer in the Johnny jump up for the first time . At first she cried , but after she realized she could stand up she looked like she enjoyed it . She stayed in there while I showered and got ready . She almost fell asleep in there and I had to check and make sure she wasn 't choking herself on the side . By the time I was finishing my make up , she was ready to get out . So , now if she is up while I am showering , she is in the Johnny jump up . Pretty soon I am going to try the walker , but I am trying to hold off a few weeks until we move since it is still in the box and will be easier to move this way . She has been doing pretty good eating her fruit and cereal . I think pears hurt her stomach , so I am not going to give her those for a while . She really likes peaches . I am going to try bananas again tomorrow . That was the first fruit I gave her , but I haven 't given her any since then . I got a few plastic bibs at the consignment sale which are great because they don ' tstain like the cloth bibs . I guess I will just use the cloth bibs for catching drool which she is doing more and more every day . I guess I better go put her clothes in the dryer before I go to bed . Enjoy the pics ! ! ! I gave Summer her first fruit on July 17 - bananas . Clint fed her first , and he did a good job . By the time it was my turn , I think she was tired of eating out of a spoon . She is used to getting food constantly by sucking either my breast or a bottle , and getting spoon fed wasn 't what she was wanting . . . she was wanting to suck on something . So , I would give her a few bites and stick her pacifier in her mouth before she could spit it back out . This seemed to work okay . . . but it is going to take a while for her to get used to this method of eating . I fed her 1 / 2 of the jar the first day and the other half the next day . I waited a week before I tried fruit again . This time I gave her pears and I also gave her water in a bottle so she would have something to suck on and wash it down with . This seemed to work a little better , but she didn 't seem like she enjoyed it at all . Yesterday we gave her rice cereal and breastmilk via spoon while we were at Applebees . It was too runny , so it was messy and hard to feed with a spoon . I will try it again today , but make it thicker so it is easier to keep in the spoon . I 'm a little nervous about giving her food already anyway because of course they want you to wait until they are 6 months old before you give them anything and she just turned 12 weeks old yesterday . But , I feel like she needs something else because she wants to eat every 2 - 3 hours . Three hours I can handle , but two is a little much at this point . I know she will be fine eating it because when I was her age I was already eating cereal , fruits and veggies . I have had some people tell me she is too young , but others that tell me to feed her . So , I 'll go with my gut which tells me it is okay . I also want her to get used to eating food because we will be attending a seminar in August and she will be staying with her Nono and Nona ( Clint 's parents ) during the seminar . So , I want her to be able to eat something other than just breastmilk so I don 't have to worry so much about pumping because we will be in San Diego so I can ' JC Summer has been keeping me busy . I love to spend time with her and play with her which is good because she loves it too . She is definitely a mommy 's girl right now . I 'm sure it is because she is with me most of the time . One day I hope she will be a daddy 's girl , but it will probably be a year or so before that happens . Clint isn 't as comfortable talking baby talk as I am . I could just sit and talk to her all day long and some days I do . She has started talking to us in her own way . . . . Clint really gets a kick out of this . The other day I was holding her in my arms ( cradling ) and she started talking to me . I made the noise / word back and she did it again . We went back and forth a few times . It was the coolest thing she has done so far . So now we will try to start these " conversations " with her . This is Clint 's favorite thing to do with her right now , and I must admit it is pretty awesome when she " answers " us . She has also started grabbing the toys in her bouncy seat and holding onto them . I have a few pics of the first time I saw her do this . She can hold a rattle . . . . if she wants to ( 1st time was July 12 ) . Sometimes she hits herself in the head which she does not like . She is definitely becoming more interactive which is fun for her and us . Another thing that she is really into right now is sucking her hands . . . well actually it is mainly the left hand . She found them about a week ago , and now she sucks them all the time . My mom is worried about this a little because when I was younger she had a friend whose son sucked his middle two fingers for years and years and those are the two fingers she likes the most . So , we don 't want her to get into this habit . When I notice her doing it , I take them out and try to give her the pacifier . She will take it sometimes , but she is not as interested in the pacifier now that she knows she has fingers . The other day she woke up from a nap , and I went to pick her up . She had a little bit of blood on her lips and in her mouth . The only thing I can figure is she was chewing on her fJC |
Well , I got all of the things done . Very happy with the card . The presents were bought and wrapped and given and pretty much enjoyed ( according to Audrey " Best Christmas Ever ! " ) . Some of the usual cookies were baked , although no cutting out and baking and frosting this year . I made a conscious decision to not make any candy and am putting out a big thank you to Jr 's friend who brought over the toffee from Trader Joe 's . The cheeseballs were , as always , a big hit . The meals together were worth the effort . The tree was beautiful . Jack gave me Italian - - the Rosetta Stone package to teach me to speak Italian . Cannot wait to get started on that . And now , Jack and I are in California , parts of the day with the girls and Cory at their house and parts of the day with Jessie and Leo at the hospital . Poor little guy , big sucky asthma has laid him low . But he is improving ( at least I 'm told the rattling sound in his chest is improvement ) , and maybe tomorrow they 'll be back home . After a day or two , we 'll head home , unpack and tidy up , take the ornaments off the tree , and settle in to wait for the birth of the newest little grandson . Soon . He 'll be here soon . Back at zumba . Moving my body , even , amazingly , my butt . I figured out the figure eight move and last weekend figured out the side to side thing , and tonight , for the first time , shook it front to back . Got an attagirl from the instructor . I 'll keep practicing the butt stuff and start adding the arm waving . Maybe somewhat out of control , but still totally satisfying . On the holiday front , the tree is up , lit , and decorated ( thanks to Jr and the granddarlings ) , the cookies are baked , the cheeseballs are mixed and wrapped , and the cards are in the mail . Many presents have been purchased , and only a not - too - overwhelming list remains . Tonight I was debating whether or not to go to the 6 : 00 zumba class . I haven 't been to a class since last Wednesday because I just didn 't feel up to it . I felt so much better today , but still wasn 't sure I was ready for all of the movement and the breathing that zumba requires . Mostly the extra breathing . Because of the virus thing . My oh my did that concert bring back memories . It all started when the choir and band and orchestra performed a medley of familiar Christmas carols and invited the audience to sing along . Obviously I remember many Christmas concerts with our kids performing . I remember looking forward to those concerts because I always felt the holidays in me after a concert with the kids . I remember many years ago going to my elementary school early , probably one day each week in December , to sing Christmas carols . There was a guy who went to the schools in my district during December to sing carols before school started . I loved that . Such a great gift to kids . I remember learning the words to The Little Drummer Boy and thinking it was the best Christmas song ever . I thought it was a brand new song since I 'd never heard it before . Not so . I 'm not that old . 2 . Both of my parents with us for that wonderful meal . It has been a long time since my dad joined us here , and I don 't know if or when it will happen again , but that day , for that meal , was precious , seeing him enjoy the company and the food so very much . 3 . Trying very hard and succeeding at not eating pie for breakfast or before breakfast this year . 4 . A crisp sunny November morning with the kids and grandkids at the zoo where the animals are always much more active during cooler weather , so we saw bears , seals , a wolf , and more , all up and moving , and we even heard the tiger making tiger sounds . And thank you Shi for that zoo pass . 5 . Hours and hours and hours of grandkids playing together joyously , with this visit featuring lots of note writing . I will treasure reading through all of the notes I 've found throughout the house . Note to self - - buy simple white little notepads and pens for each girl for Christmas . It will be their favorite gift . 6 . Skiing tales from Jessie and Cory about their first time skiing at Alta , and thanks to Jr , the drummer , and his wife for preparing them , encouraging them , and also filming them . 7 . Leo warming up to me after much cajoling , and also when he realized I was the closest thing to a mom because his mom was gone skiing . That boy is such a boy - - throwing everything he can get in his hands , but especially anything ball - shaped . I think he was born with throwing in his hands . 8 . Pancakes , pancakes , and more pancakes . For dinner and for breakfast . Or those little boxes of sweetened cereal that the girls love as much as I did as a kid . 9 . Speed bowling , all of us together , adults , kids , everybody . Bumpers and a ramp that enabled Ellie to have a higher score than many of us . Everybody - - five kids and nine adults - - finishing a full game in just a little over one hour . 10 . A safe journey home today for the Californians , and a meal of leftovers and macaroni and cheese with the locals today . Grateful for them all , everyone . Today was a day of pie baking . And tomorrow will be a day with all of our kids and grandkids and other family together here in the gardens . I no longer take these moments for granted , but after all of the events and changes of life in the past few years , gratefully recognize these gatherings as the blessing they are . I wish the same for everyone . Alas , last night 's teacher was not Monday night 's teacher . And I learned from a classmate that the Monday teacher is only a substitute so no way to know when she will be there . Boo . But I soldiered on . I kept trying to do those salsa steps last night and I tried to wave my arms like I just don 't care ( because these zumba classes also include a bit of hip hop ) . There was a lot of skipping steps too , but I just didn 't have the strength or energy or something to get my big old self to skip fast . And then towards the end of class , I simply couldn 't keep up . I kept losing track of the teacher in the mirror and also in the crowd of classmates , and they were all doing moves that I don 't know if I 'll ever figure out . Then I spotted myself in the mirror and in my mind it became clear that I am too old and solid to be moving around to music like that ( all that stuff about girls showin ' what you got or shakin ' what you got or something ) . Pow ! Bam ! What was I thinking anyway ? What a loser lamely shuffling and waving those soggy arms . KaPow ! And then I heard a voice say , hey , did you like the class ? You were doing great ! And I looked up and there was a woman from the class who I had noticed was not skipping either . I was astonished . I told her I didn 't think I 'd ever be able to keep up with the teacher or other kids in the class and she said I shouldn 't worry about it , just keep coming , keep moving and I 'd be fine . We continued talking as we walked out into the rainy night , about how we are not Jazz dancers and have real women bodies , and I cannot even tell you how glad I am that she stopped to encourage me . I had decided I was clearly too old to be working out to that music with those moves and had been ready to bag the gym , give up , and slink back to my recliner . I am so grateful to her . I 'm going to stand by her in class the next time I see her . And I 'm headed back tonight for the 7 : 00 class where I will be looking more closely at my classmates to find a zumba class soulmate to stand by . ZUMBA - - yes , I 'm in love with zumba class . Still cannot move my bottom like any of the teachers move theirs , but tonight , the teacher said it 's all in the knees ? This , this is puzzling to me . I 'm pretty sure that my fellow classmates who understand that concept must have been in dance class in high school , and I am not a former dance class kid . So for now , I 'm workin ' it my best and trying to avoid making eye contact with myself in the mirrors that are EVERYWHERE . But definitely loving it . This has been a long week . Maybe more than a week . But after another procedure and a lot of staying down , I think Jack 's headache is finally gone . Hope I didn 't just jinx him . Now he 's back to only having the back and leg pain that was the start of this nightmare . He told me yesterday there are definitely worse things than a bit of back pain . I am looking forward to this new week . Today , I 'll tidy up a bit , do some dishes and some laundry , tend to my houseplants and my pets , and hopefully see some of my married kids and their kids . I can see blue sky outside and the sun is about to shine again . Things are looking up around here . The Sunday race was , well , awesome . Our seats were the first row of the upper section at the end of turn four , which probably doesn 't mean a whole lot to most of you , but trust me , they were great seats . They had backs , which is kind of a necessity for a long race while sitting in the beautiful November Phoenix sunshine . But these seats also had a railing in front of them so we had a place to put our feet . Sweet . Also , we were at the end of the row , which is perfect . Best of all , we were sitting right where the drivers hit the gas whenever the green flag flies , so we could feel those engines roar . Also , the race was very competitive , and the winner didn 't drive a ford , so that was all good . But there was also most of the rest of the weekend that wasn 't quite so great . It included a spinal headache for Jack and ten hours at the ER and a not very fun procedure for him and an extremely rude and not very compassionate front desk clerk for me . Pretty sucky is what that part all was . I may have to resort to my excellent letter writing skills to express to that whoever is in charge at the hospital my displeasure with that whole deal . We thought it might have almost all been worth the effort until this morning when the headache returned . Not sure what that means , still waiting for the local doctor to tell us what magic he has that will fix it . Poor Jack . He has apparently used up all of his lifetime allotment of vacation enjoyment . Or it seems that way considering the past two retreats . For now , today , he has been sent back to bed hoping that by tomorrow the pain will subside and he will be able to get back to normal life . 1 . The soffit , fascia , and rain gutters that were to be installed on the Provo house a week ago ( after a five - week wait ) have not even been fabricated yet because apparently they can 't get " cameo " colored materials and somebody was supposed to contact me three weeks ago to have me pick a different color . But nobody contacted me . Today the service desk guy called to give me the good news that he had found another manufacturer who makes soffit , fascia , and rain gutter in " pearl " which is - - I swear he said this - - " exactly the same color as cameo . " And he can get it in a week or two . Isn 't that great ? 2 . Jr 's car is making a weird noise . He described it as sounding like a whoopie cushion whenever he accelerated . Jack thinks it 's something to do with the exhaust system . Isn 't it good that we have an extra car right now ? 3 . Took Jack in for another epidural in his back to try to ease his back pain and the shooting pain in his right leg . He signed in with the front desk and then we waited and waited as one then another then another then everyone else in the waiting room was called back . I asked how soon they would be taking him back and the receptionist assured me he would be called back in order . And then she walked over to the door where all of the other patients went to get checked by the nurse before their procedures , whispered something to someone inside that room , and in less than ten seconds , Jack 's name was called . The person who called his name took us down a hallway , past all of the curtained rooms and asked us to wait for a nurse to come take his vitals and then the doc would be in to get him . We waited 45 minutes . I finally stepped into the hallway just as the doc walked by , who stopped and turned back towards me and said , " hey , wait , you guys got here early and now it 's late and I haven 't done your procedure yet . " We had entered the building with him earlier today before our waiting waiting waiting began . I said I thought they had forgotten us . Twice . The nurse came in and checked his vitals and the doc took him back and gave him his epidural and even though it took twice as long as we thought it would , it seems to be helping . So that 's good , right ? 4 . The tenants have called and texted to let me know there is water rising up out of the floor drain in the basement laundry room of the Provo house . They all deny having put anything unusual down the toilets or sinks . Tomorrow will be a great day to call a plumber , right ? 5 . Jr got word from his school that they 'll likely not be providing any more financial aid to him . Only two more semesters , but well , apparently they think he 's received his share . That certainly sucks . But we 'll figure out something , right ? So there you go . Saturday was not the usual day , with all of its me - time and a new car , and thank heavens today was not the usual day either . Tonight was my third zumba class . In order to prepare , because I like to be prepared for class , right ? - - well , yesterday I spent a bit of time viewing YouTube videos of people zumba - ing . I watched closely and tried to channel my inner butt shaker . After one week , I 'm headed to falling in love with zumba class . I may be quick that way , but experience has taught me that if I stick with it for two weeks , I 'll be in for good . One down . One to go . Dropped her off and went home to change into my zumba clothes . Three minutes later , at the gym with all of my new zumba buddies . Still haven 't figured out those bottom shaking - chest poppin ' moves , but my how good it feels to be moving . Today 's class had two teachers , one who did the salsa - type moves and one who was seriously into the hiphop moves . Pretty sure if I keep going to her classes that in a very short time I 'll be doing the first 16 bars of All the Single Ladies . Yep . I can see that happening . Back home to change into jeans and t - shirt and back on the road to see Sarah for a haircut . See , if I 'm going to do this zumba stuff , I 'm pretty sure I 'll need to stay on top of the sassy haircuts . Back home to convince Jack and Jr that we should go to Su Casa for lunch . Warm chips with salsa and tacos and enchiladas . Yum . For some reason , Jack missed the usual turn to home and we ended up at the Scion dealer . Bought the new TC we 've been thinking about for a while . The TC is a bit sassy too . Kept my little Xa because I love that car and we can park it at work so Jack can drive it around on plant and if one of us needs to leave early , the other will still have a way home . This was not the usual Saturday . But it was fun . Worked out my body . Sassed up my hair . Refreshed my feet . Enjoyed good food and fun conversation with all . And a new car . Sweet day . 1 . I just read the blogs of three daughters of one of my friends . Oh my but I want to comment and tell those girls how much I love when they post , I love reading about their lives , I love seeing their pictures - - but you know , I don 't want to be that person who hijacks all of the posts by commenting like cra - cra . But I do love reading them . 2 . And speaking of my mom . . . rim shot . . . but seriously . Mom stopped by on Saturday while Jr was stapling black sparkly fabric to the dining room ceiling in order to make it look all starry for the party that night . Jr 's friends said they couldn 't believe his mom allowed him to take over the house with all of his party plans . My mom sat right there in my rocking chair and told him he needed to stop asking permission and just do what he wanted because it was much easier to just do what you want and not ask permission . That 's how she 's lived her whole life , she actually said that , and really what were people going to do anyway if you just did what you wanted and then they could just get over it , right ? Kids of mine , if you 're reading this post , please close your eyes and don 't read this next part , because , WTF ? My whole entire livelong life has been about trying to get permission from my mom who ALWAYS SAID NO FIRST . I was so stunned to hear her actually admit to any of this . I 've recently realized that she 's going to do whatever she pleases so just get over it , but to hear her say it ? Sorry to Jr 's friends who thought I was annoyed at him stapling stuff to the ceiling . My RAGE had nothing to do with him or his party plans . I was just ticked off that I 'd missed out on all sorts of who knows what by ALWAYS ASKING PERMISSION AND BEING TOLD NO . Jeez . Seriously ? 3 . Okay . Take a breath . Next . I still haven 't made that banana bread . But I did bake two batches of cupcakes for the party , and while they aren 't those fancypants cupcakes you see at the fancypants cupcake stores that are EVERYWHERE - - well , they are still pretty tasty with their chocolate frosting and festive sprinkles , and I have done my best to make sure none of them go to waste . 4 . And speaking of cupcakes . Jack , Jr and I went to the nearby gym tonight to join up . We took a tour and it has everything we could possibly need and it 's about three minutes away . Perfect , right ? During the tour , our guide pointed out a large room that had mirrors from floor to ceiling . I thought he said it was the angry workout room . He clarified by saying it was the main workout room . Okay . Makes sense . Then he made us walk upstairs to see all of the workout equipment . Yes , that 's right , exercising to go see the exercise equipment . Then he offered to show us the locker rooms . Did he let me go with them into the mens ' locker room ? No , no he did not . He sent me down the hall to the womens ' locker room , which was very nice , and while walking back to meet up with the guys , I noticed the angry workout room was full of women so I peeked in and before I knew what happened , I was right in the middle of a zumba class . Yep . Me and zumba . I could make a list of all the stuff I learned about zumba but I 'll just point out two things - - first , I have absolutely zero idea how to shake my butt like that teacher was shaking hers . And I can 't remember what the other thing was . Probably something about how I haven 't really exercised for the past 30 years and I 'm pretty sure I need a handful of advil stat . Or about whose crazy idea was it to put mirrors on every wall in the angry workout room ? No wonder people are angry . Okay , yes it was fun to move to the music , even if I was frequently creating moves all of my own , but I suspect that any increased amount of movement has to help me feel more fit , right , or at least after a couple of weeks and some advil ? 5 . Oh wait , back to the cupcakes . I was feeling so proud for lasting through the entire 55 minute zumba class that I rewarded myself with a cupcake . So there you have it . I zumba 'd and ate cupcakes . Yes , I had one before we went to the gym . There 's only one left , so probably by the time I go to bed I will be all done confessing my eating of snacks . Until I make that banana bread . One last thing - - has this been the most beautiful autumn or what ? Yes , windy and colder today and probably rainy tomorrow , but seriously . The colors and the temperature and the feeling . Remarkable . Jr really knows how to throw a party . Unfortunately , the band didn 't play ( the lead guitarist had to go to his real job , boo ) , but even without a band , the party was a hit . I 'm not sure I should have played that crazy card game with Jr and his friends , but there was much laughter , and seriously , check out these decorations , from the front yard , to the haunted woods in the front room , to the great hall in the dining room , down the stairs to Hogwarts in the basement , and a little bit of extra startling at the bathroom entrance : 8 . Blogged this post and will spend the next three minutes making my picks for the fantasy football league , which , btw , I am still leading , and you boys stop hatin ' on me for my picking skills . Tomorrow I 'm taking a quick trip to Birmingham , Alabama , for a mediation session for work on Thursday and then back home Thursday night . Very cool to get to sit in on one of these , I think . Seems only reasonable if you are in on a matter from the very start and live through it for seven years and four lawyers that you ought to get to see it to conclusion . Which may or may not happen on Thursday , but it will be interesting . Yeah , I 'm legally nerdy like that . And I 'll be wearing a fine suit . Posted by And I told you there will be a band again this year , right ? Yeah , because that 's how we rock around here . And we will rock . Join us on the 26th , right ? Or if you want to giggle yourself silly , come over on the 31st and sit in the darkened living room with me to laugh at the frightened teenagers out front . Best . Time . Ever . Along with the band . There are always a lot of possibilities on my list of things to do on a Sunday , but driving to Wendover , eating at the Mandalay Bay buffet , and then driving back home are not on that list . All kinds of messed up is what that is . See , Wendover has become to me a ten - minute bathroom stop and gas tank fill - up on the way to see the Californians , or perhaps the last stop on the way home from visiting with them . It is definitely not a destination place . Mom turned 80 this year and seems to have decided that she needs to do all of the things she can while she still can . She is doing stuff she 's always done - - like yardwork in the dark and shopping and storing away lots of stuff and remodeling the house in whatever ways she still can , but the past few months have included a whole bunch of new things she wants to do , like hiking up part of Mt . Olympus and skipping the family reunion to go to Lagoon . There is no stopping her now , so she and dad are on their way , driving the nearly 800 miles to northern California for Leo 's first birthday this Saturday . They left at 8 : 30 p . m . on Saturday night and she called me from Wendover at 9 : 00 a . m . on Sunday to ask if I 'd mind bringing her purse and a few other things out to her . Jack , Jr and I picked up the purse and the half a dozen other things she 'd forgotten and headed to Wendover . Mom said she was starving when we got there so off we went to the buffet at one of the local casinos , and after a couple of hours , headed back east to home . Fingers crossed that they 'll be safe and have a good time together . I know dad will be delighted to see the Californians and mom will have enjoyed the drive and getting out of the valley . But it was so hard to go to Wendover and then turn back for home . Just sayin ' . Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel worn out or old or maybe even useless ? Or maybe something not quite so harsh . Well sometimes I do . Not today , but sometimes . But yesterday I noticed these two things on my counter : Now you might be wondering what a bunch of brown bananas and some dead roses have to do with anything , but it occurred to me that even though those bananas are brown , they will make some fine banana bread . And even though the roses are somewhat spent , they are still quite lovely in their own way . Sometimes it doesn 't take much to get me over the hump . I have tried for years to get a good shot of this one . She 's tricky . Little and shiny and black and beautiful , but also a bit skittish . This is my best one yet . A few minutes ago , Jr was leaning over my shoulder , moving my mouse , trying to find a blog post that he was sure I needed to see . I was losing patience , just a little , not like seriously , just a little . And without looking at him , I intended to give him a tiny little threatening fist in the air , not ever considering that he was leaning over my shoulder so closely that I might punch him in the forehead . Uh . Just really glad it wasn 't his nose . I don 't need yet another son who won 't let me forget giving him a bloody nose or two . A couple of weeks ago , Jack thought it might be a fun idea to set up a fantasy football league and invite himself , me , Jr . , Danielle , Stu , Wally ( a childhood friend of Jack 's ) , and Jack 's brother , we 'll call him Bob , to play . We just finished up our second week . Guess who is leading the league in points ? Yep . Me . ( This is me trashtalking my leaguemates . ) Well . Sometimes you can have a plan , with a list even , and still not get things done like you wanted them done . Or maybe you can get things done eventually . Which is the case with this plan and that list . No , there was no bowflex for me . But I got the place all tidied . I thought I was ready to rent it , but then there was that apparent tornado and remember that post about bricks nearly smacking me in the head ? And there was the flooding of the bedrooms . So of course , then we took that little sidetrip to Cali , which was , as always , pretty great for me . Not so much for Jack since he had to come home early to tend to his mom . That situation was a bit intense for a while but seems to have settled down for now , which is actually nothing to complain about but is instead a bit of a breather and something to be very grateful for . But then , well , someone had to decide what to do about the flying bricks and collapsing chimneys and the flooded bedrooms . So I decided . ( Well , not really all by myself at all since the Californians weighed in as did Jack . ) We hired a guy to cut in a drain in the concrete at the bottom of the stairs at the front door of the apartment . ( Check , no more flooding there . ) We hired a guy and his kid to repair the chimneys . ( Check , no more flying bricks or dampers and dang if they don 't look quite fine again . ) Jr and I did some serious pruning of the neighbor 's trees that had overgrown the roof . ( Check , back away trees , no more blowing around at our chimneys . ) I hired a company to replace the basement windows ( Check , no more water flooding into the bedrooms ) and picked out some new carpet that was installed earlier this week to replace the flooded carpets ( Check . So nice on the feet . And the nose - - yum new carpet smell . ) And in a couple of weeks , there will be new soffit and fascia and seamless rain gutters ( Check , away with you rain , go out to the garden now ! ) , which , along with the new windows , will make this a cozy , dry place to live , especially while walking barefooted on the new carpet . ( Check . Seriously . ) So this past few days has been the time to get new tenants . Many people call , text , email . Many say they will be at the apartment at various times on various days to see the awesomeness that is this apartment they highly desire . So , you might ask , then why do they not show up at the appointed time ? Or perhaps that is what I was asking after driving there again to wait for apparently no one . Dorks . That 's what they are . Inconsiderate dorks who do not deserve to live in this cozy soft to the foot place . But then yesterday and today , some of them arrived to see the place . Let me just note that it is hard to be the one deciding who should get to live in this place . Ultimately what I want from renters is twofold - - pay the rent on time and take care of the place . Period . So . Do I go with the one who has no work history ? Do I choose either of the ones who have three children ? How about the mom with the sons who won 't stop chasing the ducks even after the mom asks them to stop three times ? Do I pick the one with the new puppy who hasn 't peed in the house in like , six months ? Do I go with the almost married couple who doesn 't want to sign a lease for another two weeks or the ones who want to wait six weeks ? Do I go with the guy and his sons who are hesitant to sign up for the electric service with the city ? See , everyone has a story and probably any of them would be okay or mostly okay , right ? I chose the two guys who have been contacting me for several days . One of them has a service dog , an adorable pomeranian named Shellie who has been his companion for five years . Shellie is a well - behaved indoor dog who has absolutely no desire to chase the ducks . Her owner and his friend have job and housing history and seem like they will take care of the place . I 've been thinking lately about just what causes the feeling of happiness for me . It 's simple things usually . Singing along with a favorite song . Time with my favorite people . Cool mornings and warm afternoons . A wagging tail . Clumps of blossoms . Leaves changing . Tonight we had the first fire in the fireplace for this season . I 'd forgotten how much I like that feeling of warmth blowing on my chilled skin . Yet another moment of happiness . Let 's see . I tried to lock myself out of the rental car this morning at Starbucks . It 's one of those fancy Nissans that doesn 't need a key to start , as long as the fob is in the car someplace . So I parked this morning , left the fob in the car ( doh ! ) pushed the lock on the door , got out and shut it . As I walked away , I heard an unfamiliar binging sound coming from somewhere near the car , but the car and I are not all that familiar with each other so I kept walking towards the Starbucks . The line was nearly out the door and I just didn 't want to wait that long so I turned back towards the car , reaching into the pocket in my purse where I keep car keys . And that is when I realized I 'd locked the key fob in the car . Gah . I pulled out my cell phone , trying to remember if I had a phone number for Enterprise Car Rental so I could call them to maybe start the car remotely since it has no keys but only remotes and hadn 't I seen a commercial about Onstar being able to do that ? And that is when I realized what that binging noise was - - the fancy Nissan was trying to tell me to please not lock the fob inside , please come back and rethink this , please understand when it didn 't actually lock the door . Sweet car . I had such a plan yesterday . Some of the day went exactly according to the plan . Sugar and I sailed , and I found treasure . Once again the cosmos listened and complied : This dog is so happy . Maybe you can see her joy ? A couple dozen tennis balls for $ 2 . I gave her one and gave one to Gus , but she kept staring at the bag full of balls on the table , so I gave in and dumped the whole bag on the floor for her . You can 't see her tail , but it didn 't stop wagging for hours . Then I headed to the Provo house . I cleaned the kitchen , the bathroom , the floors , the crunchy as well as still alive spiders . I washed and dried the curtains and realized that for some reason the tenants took the bedroom curtains with them . Jessie will need to make me some new ones . It will probably take her about 20 seconds . I painted the baseboards and spackled the nail holes , at least the ones I could . Some of the nails didn 't want to be pulled out , and who knows , they may be in the perfect place for any tenant to hang up pictures . So they are staying . I stopped to chat with the duck tenant on my way out . She was telling me she had seen the rain gutters over the basement bedroom windows overflowing and she was concerned they might be causing flooding in the basement , when suddenly the wind picked up and before we realized what was happening , it was swirling around us in circles , whipping up bits of dirt and plants and who knows what else . She spotted the damper from the top of the fireplace laying in her garden where the wind dropped it . I haven 't been able to confirm it , but I think we were in a tiny little tornado right there in the front yard of the Provo house . And then it started to rain . Great big splatting drops that quickly soaked us both . I told her I 'd be back today and we could chat more then and ran to my car to leave . During those few moments of starting the car and fastening my seat belt , the rain filled the gutters in the street and it just kept on raining . Hard . As I pulled away , I thought about the basement getting flooded and knew I needed to go back and find something to divert the rain away from the basement bedroom windows , so I circled the block and parked back in front of the house . Before I made it across the tiny lawn , I was soaked through , my hair dripping wet and plastered to my head , and still no sign of it easing up . I tried to move a large board from the ' dry ' side of the house around to the flooding side , but gave up when a brick from the chimney flew past my head and slammed into the ground . The tenants offered to drag the board around the house to shield the window , which would also help divert the water into their garden . I was grateful again for good , environmentally conscious tenants and hurried back to my car . Driving home in the downpour was intense . And a little chilly in my wet clothes and hair . Getting soaked , finding flooding in the basement , nearly getting clocked by a brick - - not one of these were in my plan . Jr and I went back today . We trimmed the neighbor 's overgrown trees that had knocked bricks off the chimney during the storm . He cleared out the rain gutters that were full of dirt and debris . We agreed to wait to clean carpets and finish tidying up in a few days . And I need to find a chimney repair guy . In a sorry turn of events , I realized that at some time in the past week , the former tenants had returned and claimed their Bowflex . Damn . Another snag in my plan . I was so ready to be sleek and gracious . I 've been laying around a bit of late . Perhaps not really just of late . And not for any particular reason other than I think I 've gotten a bit soft and perhaps a bit lazy . In just a few hours I 'll pick up Sugar and we will sail . Yard sail . We will put out into the cosmos the things we most need that we don 't want to pay a lot for . We will talk and laugh and find things we didn 't even know existed and certainly didn 't know we must have . We will buy homemade treats from little kids . We will stop somewhere when our money is nearly all spent and our energy levels are sagging and we will refresh ourselves with food and drink . And then I will return her to her home with her new treasures and I will stop to drop off mine at my house . Then I will fill my little car with cleaning supplies and spackle and paint and painting supplies and I will head to the Provo house where I will set out my radio and crank up the music . I will pull out all of the picture - hanging nails and I will spackle and fill all of the holes in the walls . I will dust and wipe and vacuum and scour away the dead spiders and dust and gunk . I will clean the living room , the kitchen , the bedrooms , and the bathroom . I will put on a fresh coat of paint wherever it is needed . I will take down the dusty curtains , wash and dry them , and put them back up . I will sweep and mop the tile floors and I will vacuum and clean carpets . And when I am done , that little basement apartment will sparkle , and hopeful new tenants will come begging me to let them , please allow them to pay me for the honor of living in that adorable , cozy space . And sometime in the next few days , after much consideration , I will chose one lucky tenant to live in and care for that space for a while . ~ ~ okay , wait , the Bowflex is probably gone by now . And probably , even if it 's still there , I won 't be able to lift it or maybe even fit it into my little car . And if I get it home , I 'll have a hard time convincing Jack we need to set it up next to the treadmill and cardioglide that we currently use to hang clothes on in our bedroom . And if we 're being honest , this is probably too much to expect to accomplish in one day . But it is a small apartment and I stopped there a couple of weeks ago so I have a pretty good idea about what needs to be done and I can be all kinds of efficient and speedy when called upon to do so . And I could go back tomorrow if necessary . But mostly , this is my blog and my dream for how this day will go perfectly and smoothly and how I will accomplish all that I am setting out to do , so just go with me on this , okay ? ~ ~ I am not the one in the hospital bed . I 'm the one who sits by the bed . Or takes others to the hospital . But I am never the one in the bed hearing the scary words . It all started Wednesday night after work when , per our usual routine , Jack dropped me off by the sidewalk so I could walk the ten steps to the mailbox to bring in the mail . Except this time , I walked five steps and felt this enormous weight and pressure on top of my shoulders , left side especially . I was carrying an empty glass and a bottle of diet coke ( of course ) and my purse , and by the time I 'd walked the other five steps to the mailbox , I thought I was going to drop all of them . My mind wasn 't very clear , but I decided to drop the bottle into the glass into my purse , which I did , but then my purse was so heavy I didn 't think I could hold it with my left arm anymore . So I tried to switch it to my right arm , but it was still too heavy so I dropped it to the ground . This was not making any sense to me . I remember thinking that my jacket felt too tight around my shoulders ( but I wear that jacket all of the time and it fits just fine ) . I thought I just needed to pick up the mail and go in the house . But I wasn 't strong enough to open the box . This was weird . So I tried to pull it open again and couldn 't . My arms felt heavy and weak and my whole body was close to collapse . I stayed that way for a minute and then noticed the sound of a bicycle coming down the street . I tried to say hello to the guy on the bike , but I couldn 't focus enough to form the words . I recognized that he looked puzzled , but I just couldn 't say anything to him . He rode on by and I went back to trying to open the mailbox . After several attempts , I finally got the box open . I reached inside only to discover that I wasn 't strong enough to pull out the mail . Probably because there was a letter package for Jr that contained a softcover book for school , but it took me several attempts to figure out that if I bent the package just a little bit , I could slide out the mail , which I did . This all seemed to take a long time . I took a couple of deep breaths and headed up the driveway into the house . Once inside , I set the mail on the table , walked to the back door and let in the dogs , and then collapsed into my chair . Jack asked about the mail , I told him it was junk and a book for Jr . Then I told him I wasn 't feeling well and described the events at the mailbox . I decided I needed to lay down and remove my jacket and my bra because they were both too tight and I was feeling squeezed . I headed into the bedroom , removed my jacket and laid down under the covers on our bed . Jack wasn 't far behind me . He sat down on the edge of the bed and I could see the concern on his face as he looked at me . He asked if I was okay , did I want to stay in bed , did I want something to eat ? I said yes . He narrowed it down to something to eat and brought me a plate of leftovers that were still very tasty . I changed into a nightgown and tried to rest . After a bit , I headed back out to the kitchen with my empty plate ( well , except for a couple of bites of sweet potatoes I thought he might like to finish up for me ) and then sat back down in my chair . Jack and Jr were talking together , and when the conversation paused , I said that I wasn 't feeling well . I had an achy pain in my jaw , my neck , my shoulder , and down my arm . Jack got up and went immediately to the medicine cupboard and returned with four baby aspirin and water that he told me to swallow . We then headed back into the bedroom where I changed out of my nightgown into yoga pants and a shirt and we headed to the hospital . Let me just say right now that if you ever want to move directly to the front of the line at the ER , you just tell them you have pain in your jaw , shoulder , arm , and neck . You will be instantly transported to a room where they will immediately attach devices to do an EKG or ECG and someone else will immediately start an IV and someone else will show up with an x - ray machine so they can x - ray your chest right there in your bed . They will draw blood and listen to your heart and check your blood pressure . Stat . Then they will put a nitro glycerine pill under your tongue , which in my case , stopped the pain almost instantly . There . That 's stat for you . I told them all that this was getting very scary and they agreed that it was . In a very short time , the ER doc arrived to tell me that my blood didn 't show that I 'd had a heart attack , although that could take 4 - 6 hours to see . My EKG was normal . This is all sounding good to me , like , maybe I 'd just had a little hiccup and even though I 'd never experienced anything like it before and it was really intense , I would be going right back home . Not so fast , missy . The doc said they had done a test that would show if I had a blood clot in my lungs and it had come back positive . So off to radiology for a ct scan , which showed no blood clot . So that 's good , right ? Again with the not so fast , missy . It seems that when someone is apparently healthy like me and then suddenly has an episode like mine at the mailbox , they take it all very seriously . It 's one thing to have a gradually developing case of heart disease , but when you are under 65 and female and seem healthy , they worry about you having a sudden massive heart attack that kills you right on the spot . Again scary . I was having a hard time even processing what he was saying . I mean , I 'd heard those same kinds of things at the hospital with elderly relatives before . But not when I was the one in the bed . So no going home for me that night . Instead , they taped some nitro gel onto me ( which they replaced a couple of times through the night ) and were going to send me upstairs so they could monitor my heart all night , check blood pressure and heart rate , take and test more blood to see if the heart attack enzymes had appeared after all . And also , by morning , I would be scheduled for a stress test and if I didn 't pass that , I was headed for an angiogram . This all seemed more than weird now . I mean , I am healthy and thin and young . Okay , at least healthy , right ? Yes , but that 's exactly what had them so concerned . If I were his mother or daughter or sister or aunt , he 'd admit them and do the stress test and so would the cardiologist he 'd consulted with about me . What . Wait . A cardiologist ? I 'm not old enough for this stuff . But it turns out I am . So upstairs I went to the floor where they send you after you 've been in the ICU . See , it could have been worse . I wasn 't going to the ICU . They kept me up most of the night , asking questions , checking vitals , drawing blood . They stuck all kinds of little pads onto me that they used to connect me to machines that monitored my heart . Apparently there are several types of pads they use depending on what machine they 're going to connect you to . And the pads must match up with the machine . And they gave me tylenol for the headache that comes with the nitro gel and also to help with the headache that arrived the next morning when I couldn 't have any diet coke . Had to wait to eat or drink until after they decided whether or not I needed the angiogram . All of the people I encountered there were very kind and very competent . So there 's that , which was really something . Seriously . It meant a lot to have kindness . Mid - morning they took me in for the stress test . It involved fancy x - rayish stuff and a treadmill and more fancy x - raying with radioactive stuff they injected into my IV . Radioactivity ? Heck yes . Hence my new super powers . But wait , the guy who administered the radioactivity said the super powers would only last for six hours . And I had had such grand plans . Again . This was all so very weird . But I was the boss of that stress test . Back I went to my room where the cardiologist came in to tell me I had not had a heart attack and I did not have a blood clot but he really didn 't know what had happened . He said that if I had a family history of heart attacks at an early age or if I 'd been in the psych ward or something he 'd be looking at this differently . Wait . Psych ward ? Well , if we 're going to go there , why yes , I did spend a week in the psych ward six years ago . But what does that have to do with anything ? Turns out my old buddy anxiety can cause heart problems . Now I don 't know if we 're talking genuine heart problems or the ones your mind causes just to mess with you , but they seemed more willing to let me go after I told them about my stay at UNI . I really hate that I can 't trust that physical pain in my body is caused by physical illness , that I have to wonder if it 's just all in my head . Especially when I haven 't been feeling particularly stressed of late . What I didn 't know until after I got home yesterday afternoon is that my mom 's gramma and my mom 's aunt both died of heart attacks before they were 65 . So I guess I 'll have to mention that to the cardiologist when I see him in a couple of weeks for a follow up visit to see if that changes anything . And yes , now I have an appointment with a cardiologist . And I promised to come right back to the ER if I feel anything like that again . Today after my classes ended , I caught a cab back to my hotel , dropped off my stuff and then walked to the metro . I figured out the right train to start my adventure and then changed trains and then walked to the Newseum , which is an awesome place to see lots of photos and videos and memorabilia from the past , all as captured by the press . It was interesting and informative and memorable and , well , overwhelming and sad . Lots of sad things have been documented from the past . I could spend days there studying everything , but I 'm not sure I could handle it all emotionally . Some of the best moments in history , the times of great joy , came after so much suffering . I 'm thinking of the exhibit about the Berlin Wall . So much suffering and then down it came . The Newseum has several sections of the wall as well as a guard tower , videos , pictures , and other items . It was powerful . Less painful but still interesting is the viewing area on the sixth floor that looks out over Pennsylvania Avenue . It is very cool because there 's a map that identifies all of the buildings you can see . I wanted to go to the Supreme Court building to get a close up picture . It didn 't look that far away from the Newseum or from the Capitol Building , so after wandering around the Newseum for a while , I headed out towards the Capitol . With my dead cell phone . So , kind of all on my own , right ? But I pressed on . Depth perception is a tricky thing . Or maybe judging distances is the tricky thing . Either way , the closer I got to the Capitol , the less I could see of the Court building . And , because it is August and I 'm in D . C . , I 'm getting hotter and sweatier because I 'm used to 8 % humidity and today it must have been about 80 % humidity . And of course , because it 's hot and humid and I 'm walking - - yep , of course I 'm getting another blister . One on my right foot to match the one I got yesterday on my left foot . Boo blisters . I always see lots of people walking around in D . C . and I don 't see any of them who look as hot and disheveled as I feel . And nobody seems to be developing blisters . When I finally got to the Capitol Building , I couldn 't see any sign of the Supreme Court Building , which was a little disappointing , but since my cell phone had died , it wasn 't like I was going to take a picture on this trip . I found a bench in the shade in front of the Capitol and sat down to study my paper map since Siri was napping . [ Side note - - this town has little parks everywhere . Grassy , tree - covered places with statues and monuments and benches . I like that . A lot . ] I decided I could go either direction in front of the Capitol and would end up at a metro station , so I started walking and quickly spotted a sign with an arrow directing me to the Union Station metro stop . While I would never have guessed that building was a metro stop - - it looked like it should have been the treasury building or had some other equally important government In yet another amazing bit of awesomeness , I got myself onto a train headed in the right direction , transferred to another train headed in the right direction , and walked myself back to my hotel after my train ride . As I type this I wonder if anyone who isn 't me can really appreciate the effort it takes to get on the right train , going in the right direction . Especially in those big stations where there are trains coming and going in all different directions , upstairs and downstairs . Seriously . It takes me three days of riding the metro to finally start to understand that I have to get on the right side of the tracks to get to the train that 's heading in the direction I need to go . But first I have to determine which direction that is . And then when I get into a station where all of the lines come through , it adds a whole new level of complexity . Literally . Upstairs or down ? Riding trains seems like it should be fairly straight forward , but I felt like I 'd really accomplished something today by the time I got back to my hotel . Which may have included some pleasure that even though I left the metro station in what I thought was the same exit I 'd used all week , once outside I realized I was on a street I 'd not seen on this trip and yet , I made it back to my hotel . I might not always walk in the most direct route to my destination , but I always make it eventually . I see lots of new [ to me ] stuff since I can 't seem to find the same street twice , but I 'm getting used to that . It 's nothing that a cool bath and room service [ crab cake sandwich , sweet potato fries , caramel apple tart with ice cream ] can 't fix . Right ? We talked a lot over the years before she died . One day I asked her what was her favorite flower . She said she liked gladiola the best . That seemed fitting . Like her , they are gracious , beautiful , stately . They bloom around my birthday , so when she died , the florist was able to put together a beautiful arrangement of pale pink gladiola for the top of her casket . They matched her blouse . I knew she would have liked them . When it was time to design her headstone , I asked to have a gladiola etched onto it so there would always be one on her grave . The spring after she died , I bought dozens of gladiola and planted them around my gardens . They were spectacular . A fitting tribute for her . Since then , there is always only one plant . I suspect it survives because it is buried under a massive planting of an ornamental variegated grass . Each year , it arrives just in time for my birthday . 1 . After years of baking cookies from scratch , I have discovered a new way to make cookies speedy quick and not too bad because when do hot cookies from the oven not taste good , right ? Have you tried those Nestle Tollhouse refrigerator cookies ? Whoa . Pretty much yummy and quick . Perfect for baking while camping . Who knew ? Who bakes cookies while camping ? Me . Jack picked up some of that dough at the Walmart in Winnemucca ( makes total sense , right ? ) and we baked them by the side of the Truckee River . That , that is one of the benefits of camping in a trailer . Oven usage . Hot cookies . Try it . They are a nice interlude between evenings of s ' mores . 2 . Rusty is learning his new tricks right on schedule . He 's been here for a couple of months and tonight for the first time , he caught a piece of pizza crust that I tossed to him . Then one from Jack . Then another from me . Now that is rewarding . A dog learning tricks . No more food bouncing off his nose when we toss him table scraps . Danielle will be so happy with us . I 'm sure . And he comes to whatever name we call him : Rustaman ( me ) , Rustoleum , ( Jack ) , Russell or Rustle ( the drummer ) , RusRus ( Jack ) . And anything else that starts with a RRRRUUUUSSSS sound . Next we 'll work on teaching him to jump up on the furniture . We are such smart pet owners . Visits with my dad of late seem to follow the same pattern . I drop in . He is asleep on the couch . I sit down for a while . He usually wakes up when I get up to leave . His eyes open and blink a couple of times and then he forces himself to roll into a sitting upright position . It takes a minute or more , but eventually he gets his feet on the floor and then he makes eye contact and smiles his broad , happy to see me smile . He always has that smile when I visit him . He asks about Jack , the kids , grandkids . I tell him they are all good . Next he says he really misses Jessie and her family , those kids are so cute , do I think they 'll ever move back , he guesses not because that 's where the work is . I agree with each of these statements as he says them . Then he asks how I am . How is Jack ? The kids ? Grandkids ? Next he says he really misses Jessie and her family , those kids are so cute , do I think they 'll ever move back , he guesses not because that 's where the work is . I agree with each of these statements as he says them . By now , he is more awake and asks what I 've been doing lately . Whatever I tell him about , he engages me in conversation . He tells me stories from his childhood , his teens , his time in the Air Force during WWII . He tells me about his mom , his siblings , his dad and other relatives . He tells me about places he 's been , adventures he 's lived . Sometimes they are stories I 've heard all of my life , but often , they are new to me , yet warm and familiar to him . Occasionally , he tells the same story that he 's told me during previous visits , stories that might have some component of reality in them , but are partly fictional . But not in his mind . The story about the webcam at Shady Dell that shows the bear coming over the mountain every morning , crossing the river , eating his fill of berries and heading back over the mountain ? That one is as real as any other to him , though if we 're being honest , it probably isn 't very likely . But really , what does it matter ? It is real to him . Jack 's mom called this morning . Her mind seems to wander these days also . This morning she told me a story I 'd never heard before . It took a while for me to birth Stuart . It was a difficult , long delivery , all day and all night and immediately after he arrived , he was rushed to baby intensive care , while I was sent to recovery . Jack 's mom has often told me the story of arriving at the hospital and looking through the window of the baby intensive care unit , seeing her big man child in scrubs and a mask and hat , sitting in a rocking chair holding his tiny new baby boy . She told me today that while she waited for Jack to come out to see her , my mom and dad arrived . She will never forget my dad , exiting the elevator , looking around and asking , " where 's my kid ? where 's my daughter ? " He says he is ready for a nap and swings his legs up onto the couch and lays down again . I tell him I 'm leaving now , I love him , I 'll see him again soon . He says he loves me too , we kiss goodbye , and as I head towards the door , he calls out , " be careful crossing the street and don 't eat any green apples . " Just like when I was a kid . I don 't know for sure . I do know that my docs told me for years that I needed to make sure I was getting a good night 's sleep if I wanted to stay away from the darkness that was occupying my days . The recommendation was simple - - take an ambien every night . That will help you get a good night 's sleep . And I have . Off and on . Mostly on lately . But the thing about ambien , at least for me , is that after I 've taken it for a while , I start losing my memory . And my ability to remember stuff . All kinds of stuff . And recently , the ambien - induced sleep hasn 't been all that good either . So I decided to quit the ambien . Mind you , I thought about it for a while . And then a week ago , I took 1 / 2 a pill one night and none since . It was an interesting journey to now . The first night with no ambien , I was awake until 5 : 30 a . m . My mind could not stop talking . All night . It was total chaos . It was like my mind had been silenced during the night for so long that it had a lot of catching up to do . I tossed and turned and my mind just kept talking . I was exhausted by 5 : 30 , but luckily it was an off - Friday , so I stayed in bed for a few hours and then took a 10 - minute nap mid - afternoon and got through that day . Friday night wasn 't much different . Constant , non - stop chatter in my mind . I remembered reading Jill Bolte Taylor 's book about a stroke she suffered - - she 's a brain doctor , so when it started , she realized what was happening and began observing her brain . She later wrote that it was so obvious whenever the left side of her brain stopped functioning because the brain chatter would stop and the right side of her brain would take over , the side that is creative and emotional . That is what I noticed on Friday night , the brain chatter wouldn 't stop . There was music in the background all night , songs I only know some of the lyrics to , which only added to the chaos . Around 5 : 00 , I finally slept for another couple of hours and then got up for the day . Saturday night was slightly different . This time there was some organization to the chatter . It was almost like a dream , with lots of talking in my head . I had to write a paper for work , I had a due date and time , but I couldn 't remember how to link the footnotes to the quotes in the paper . This was not a pleasant dream , but it wasn 't really a nightmare , just more of the chatter . Sunday night , the chatter started again . But I knew I needed to rest because I had several things to attend to on Monday at work . I remembered when I was younger and couldn 't sleep that I would lay down on a blanket on the floor and that feeling of solid floor below me seemed to help me relax and sleep . So I got out of the bed and lay down beside it with an old flannel quilt . I remember looking up to see each dog , at different times in the night , peering over the edge of the bed at me , confused , concerned , and I wondered if each of them wouldn 't be jumping down on me at some point . But they didn 't . And I slept for four hours before rising and heading into work . On Monday night , I went to bed , lay my head on the pillow , and drifted off to sleep . There was no chatter . There was a dream , but I don 't remember it because it ended when the dogs woke me asking to go out at 4 : 00 . Jack got up and let them out and I was back asleep before he came back to bed . And I slept . Deeply . Soundly . I felt like singing when I woke up on Tuesday morning . Something to that tune in Oliver ! - - Sleeeeep , glorious Sleeeeeep ! ! ! ! It was delicious . It was marvelous . I felt whole and alert and available . It is quiet in the gardens this morning . Mostly . If I close my eyes , I can hear the hum of the fridge , the little cat scratching her claws on the carpet on the stairs , JoJo whistling and begging while peering through the windows of the deck door . I could go open the door so she and Gus can run in and out at will , but that means the big cat can no longer lay stretched out on the cool kitchen floor and the little cat will disappear , back on alert , already gone looking for hiding places downstairs . Jack and Jr and I spent most of yesterday out in the yard , pruning , weeding , mowing , edging , raking , and then hauling to the landfill . The gardens look much tidier , but I distinctly remember thinking several times that I didn 't know why we had to do all of this in one day - - one very hot day - - when it 's only family who is coming today . They 're family , for heavens sake . But it does all look much nicer and I couldn 't have done it all myself . Those two can work so hard . And then I 'll sit back and watch , hopeful that everyone will enjoy the food and the conversation and the company . If I remember , I 'll snap pictures of people smiling and laughing and talking and swimming and pondering . Mostly feeling satisfied and welcome . And after the food is gone and the conversation is over , I will sit back and sigh , quietly contented that those who came enjoyed themselves and those who didn 't or couldn 't were missed , but we did the best we could , the food was good , and the kids had fun . And what better for this special post than pictures of a huge pile of daisies from my gardens , right ? These were growing out front in the courtyard until the night before last when a monster Florida - style rainstorm hit and all of the water on the roof overflowed the rain gutters and poured onto the daisies and knocked them down . Poor dears . But look at how happy they are now , snuggled together in a pail on the deck out back . If it weren 't my off - Friday , I would never have thought to go out and cut them off and put them in the pail . They would have laid on themselves in the heat of the courtyard and withered away . So sad . This , this is a perfect example of why I need more off days , right ? |
Galvan seems to believe Butch enough to take him in . Tabitha likes him . Very soon , Galvan figured out what Butch was doing . He brought in Tabitha to unbrainwash him . It looks like Butch is leading Penguin into a trap . He told him that his mother is in a warehouse and he escaped the Galvans . One of the new recruits turned Gordon in for using unnecessary force to get information . The Captain informs him that Selina and the Fire girl are together . When Gordon tried to sneak up on Selina , she pulled a gun on her . She 's got one too . Everyone has a gun now . Gordon promised Selina he would help protect Bridget but the Captain is not interested in her sob story . Nygma overheard Kristin tell Leigh that she wishes he was a little more dangerous . Also she thinks he is hiding something from her . He cooked for her again . He was going to tell her something but Kristin wanted to go to his room . For some reason , Nygma told Kristin that he killed her abusive cop boyfriend . She freaked out and called him all sorts of names . When Nygma tried to quiet her down , he ended up suffocating her . Oops , Kristin seems to be dead . He is very upset . This may be the thing to set him over the edge . How is he going to explain this to the people at work ? Selina and Bridget robbed an underground sex trade sale of women . They wanted the money to get cop killer Bridget out of town . Bridget wanted to help the women but there was no time . On the way out of town , Bridget was kidnapped by her " brothers " . Bridget 's brother chained her to a radiator and threw little dynamite things at her . After agreeing to join the family again , Bridget burned them to death . She wants to avenge all the abused people . Selina tried to talk her out of it but in the end told her good luck . Bridget ended up freeing the captive girls . But in a run it with the police , she accidently set herself on fire . Selina held Leigh hostage until Gordon came home to tell her the news . She blames him . He tried to apologize . So , Bridget is not dead just badly burned . She is being transferred to a testing facility ( i . e . human torture ) which is a subsidiary of Wayne Enterprises . The Joker better be there as well . The new captain is trying to bankrupt Penguin . The guys counting money for Penguin are in their underwear . It makes sense to keep them from stealing things . Now that they are on a roll , Gordon and the team hit a warehouse that was protected by the city council . One of the brothers in the city 's most well - known arsonist team was at the warehouse picking up supplies . They shot him which set off the explosive he was stealing . Shouldn 't the captain be at the office and not running around town with Gordon ? Since Gordon is in charge of the police man 's union , Galvan tried to get Gordon to endorse him . Gordon wants to stay out of politics . Leigh said he should be flattered that he is so respected in the community . He is not letting Penguin know where his mother is . They kidnapped a Wayne Enterprises employee to get information about the company and Bruce . Tabitha has a new job for Penguin … arson . Butch uses Selina to get an audience with the city 's top arsonists . It 's a few brothers whose sister , Bridget , used to hang out with Selina . The sister is a mess now . She 's obviously their slave / housekeeper . Now that the one brother is dead she is taking his place . They tried to tell her it 's the family business but apparently she 's not really their family . Since she didn 't want to be family they offered to put her out on the streets to earn money . She chose to stay family . She actually completed the task of sneaking in the first of five buildings they were planning to blow up . Bridget rigged it up the explosives and opened the safe with that Wayne employee 's eye . The eye looked huge . I don 't know how big eyes are supposed to be . It may not be a human one that they used in the show . The safe had a large old knife in it that she took with her . On the way out her legs got burned . The girl made herself a fire resistant suit to protect herself from fire . Gordon found out all the buildings where owned by Wayne Enterprises . On the last trip out they were found by Gordon and Bullock . Her " brothers " drove off and she accidentally set one of the cops on fire when trying to get away . Selina was watching nearby and helped her escape . The cop died and now Gordon goes to Galvan for the promise of help . He will endorse him . Some evil monk wants Bruce dead . Kristin and Nygma are now an actual couple . Nygma invited Gordon and Leigh to dinner . Leigh offered her house for fondue . I 've never had fondue . Leigh has noticed the change in Nygma 's personality . Penguin got the knife stolen from that safe . Butch brought in a woman from his neighborhood who is an expert in antiques . She told of a story of how 200 + years ago that knife was used to cut the hand off a man accused of assaulting a woman in the Wayne family . The man said they were in love but she said he forced himself on her . That man 's family was another powerful family in Gotham and they were all banished to Europe . An order of religious people , not sure if they are monks or priests , took them in since they worship the family 's patron saint . Their name was removed from Gotham history . The people changed their name and as you guessed their new name is Galavan . Penguin wants Galvan to believe his is so paranoid that he fired Butch as a traitor . Butch is to join Galavan 's group and find out where Penguin 's mother is being kept . To convince him , he cut off Butch 's hand . Penguin is trying to get his people in order and find out who has been wreaking havoc on Gotham . Tabitha arrives to bring him to Theo . He asks him to kill the other mayoral candidates but when he refuses they reveal that they have Penguin 's mother held captive . She lives if they die . So Penguin takes shots at Theo , kills the one of the other 2 candidates , and sends Zsasz after the other . Gordon shows up at the scene and he realizes Penguin is involved . He tries to warn Penguin of the new day that is coming but he is too angry . Penguin reminds him that he knows things about him . Butch has still not been able to find Penguin 's mother . A new captain is in the precinct . His first move was to fire a few cops with criminal histories . He wants Gordon has his second in command . Unit Alpha was created from 4 new recruits from the academy to work with Gordon . Nygma 's " other self " told him that he save Kristin Kringle 's life so she owes him . He walked up to her , said they were going to dinner tonight , and she agreed . The dinner is at his house . They have a nice dinner . He briefly makes a mistake referring to her old cop boyfriend as dead and she hears him talking to himself . Things worked out and they kiss at the end of the night . Bruce finally goes back to school . Cat tries to visit him but Alfred smacks her and tells her to go way . Bruce didn 't see of course . Alfred told him as part of his training he would have to run home . Theo manages a dinner alone with Bruce . He even introduces him to his ward , Silver . She just happens to be back from overseas to attend the same school as Bruce . It seems Bruce is part of Theo 's plan . Some man asked Theo if he had Bruce yet and he said no . Jerome and Tabitha go to his father 's house . They manage to kill him just before Gordon and Bullock get there . That magic gas was hidden on Jerome 's father so it knocked out Bullock and disoriented Gordon . Gordon had just enough strength to try to strangle Jerome . Tabitha saved Gordon because you know they have plans for him . They are still trying to find Essen 's killer . Bullock is back and wants to talk to Penguin about finding them but Jim doesn 't want Penguin involved . In the meantime , they are shaking down any street criminal they can find for information on The Maniax . Bruce was forced to go to a benefit dinner with Alfred . Gordon refused to go with Dr . Leigh . She had the chance to speak to Bruce . Selina was there picking pockets . Jerome and Tabitha tied up the magician and plan to take his place . Leigh is the MC at the event for some reason . It is a charity to help a children 's hospital so I guess she is the only doctor in town . Alfred is trying hard to pick her up . Jerome actually can do magic . He got Bruce to go on stage as his prop . It 's the separating people into pieces trick . Barbara is the assistant and her mask slipped enough for Leigh to see her face . She was able to call Jim to say Barbara was there and possible Jerome but during the call she was dragged away . Jerome threw a knife at the deputy mayor . At that point , the audience realized this was not part of the act . The whole thing is being broadcast live . Bruce is able to escape with the help of Selina but he has to go back for Alfred . Selina is not about that but before she leaves , Bruce says he misses her . Theo is pretending to be the hero . Jim got inside just in time for Bruce to give himself up to Jerome to save Alfred . Theo came up from behind and killed Jerome . They keep killing the characters I like . Barbara did a magic trick of her own and disappeared . Now Theo is making friends with everyone . Alfred and Bruce feel they owe him a debt . Poor Alfred knows now the status of Leigh and Jim . Detective Bullock visited Penguin to warn him about asking Gordon for a favor . He could only threaten him for a little bit since Penguin had his people there . Bullock did compliment him on his place . Theo put the mayor 's head in a locked box ( while still attached to his body ) and forced him to say he was leaving town with a woman . He 's not . The Maniax is the name of this new group . The males of the group ( minus Theo ) throw people off the roof of the news building with letters on their chest spelling out the group 's name . It 's like they are cheerleaders . They wanted to be in the paper to announce themselves . Being bored , Tabitha and Barbara whip the mayor who still has his head in the box . Theo asks Barbara about Jim . Jerome and one of the guys fight over who should be the leader of the group . Theo suggests they play Russian roulette to settling things . Jerome had no problem trying his luck with several shots in a row . Theo named him as the proven leader . The next stint was to steal a fuel tank . They stopped a school bus full of cheerleaders , chained them up , and doused them ( and the bus ) in fuel . Of course the lighter didn 't work and soon Jim and the police showed up . One guy from the gang was left behind and Tabitha shot him in the head from the roof . Gordon managed to save the girls by driving it away . I don 't know why they didn 't take the keys to the bus with them . Gordon is in charge of finding the gang . Bullock was not willing to return but gave him a clue on where to look for the gang . Barbara calls Jim from a cellphone in the police station . She just led him out of there so the others could attack the station . Now he 's getting beaten up in an alley . Dr . Leigh was hiding in her office . Nygma pushed Kristin Kringle down out of the way of gun fire . Commissioner Essen is taken hostage by Jerome and she not having any of his nonsense . As soon as the black and / or hispanic girl gets the job as Commissioner , she gets killed . I 'm not happy about that . The Maniax put out a video to the media starring Jerome . He had blood on his face and made a dead cop 's mouth move like it was trying to talk . It has been 2 episodes and it 's the second one with making dead people " talk " . Bruce was so excited to find a computer in his father 's hideout . Alfred smashed it saying he was protecting Bruce from whatever killed his father . That got Alfred fired . The next day , he left saying he needed to catch a train . What train ? To where ? Bruce found him in the train station . He agrees to take him back if he helps him in whatever journey his is on . Alfred agrees and even accepts that he has to fix the computer . Later , Alfred tracks down Lucious Fox in a bar . He confides in him and dares him to betray them . Lucious was helping his father with technical issues but had no knowledge of what was on the computer or any real details of his work there . He is trying to fix the computer . Bruce was informed about the massacre at that police station and he runs to see Gordon . He even hugged and apologized to Jim . I don 't feel like Batman should be hugging people . There is a new headline attached to Gotham : Rise of the Villains . I guess that means we will see the villains start to take shape . A few people ( Penguin , Nygma , etc . ) started to show their evilness . I think it will be entertaining . I 'm interested on what they will do with Selina ( Cat ) and Barbara . We left Bruce when he and Alfred found what we assume is the bat cave . Now he just needs the combination to the door . Gordon visits him to say he has been fired and cannot fulfill his promise to find who murdered his parents . His only option to be a cop again is to do something against his morals . Bruce told him he is putting his personal views ahead of the greater good . For some reason , Alfred keeps calling Bruce a child . I think the actor is taller than he was . He is obsessed with opening this locked door to find out what his father has in there . Bruce , with help from Alfred , constructs a bomb to break into room . They found a letter that his father wrote to him when he was 12 years old . It urged him to seek happiness instead of truth unless he has a " true calling " . The entry code was Bruce . He didn 't try that ? She is in Arkham with Jerome ( The Joker ) . He tries to get her to befriend someone he works for because she needs a friend . She showed how easy it was for her to find a friend . But he can get her things so she is interested . I wonder what he wants in return . Why would they make her uniform a skirt ? It is actually stripped . Barbara gets the phone she wanted and uses it to call Gordon and Dr . Leigh . She wants Gordon to save her and Leigh to die . He has been demoted to directing traffic . A fellow officer taunts him and Gordon minorly assaults him . That was all he needed to get fired by Commissioner Loeb . Bullock left and is working in a bar . Gordon went to Penguin for help with Loeb but the price of being his debt collector was just too much . After listening to Bruce , he decides to go collect the money for Penguin and kills the bad guy . Oops . He has Butch and Cat working for him . Penguin is becoming a boss . It 's nice of Penguin to go take care of Loeb himself with Zsasz . They decapitated his protective guard . Penguin is so good . Loeb was begging to do whatever Penguin wanted so he wouldn 't be killed . Loeb is forced to resign , Essen is promoted to replace him , and Gordon is reinstated . Zordaan ( the soul reaper ) attacks people on the street , gets put in Arkham , and dies with blue gas coming from his mouth . It all started when Galavan , whom he called master , gave him a potion to drink . We next see Galavan speaking at Loeb 's farewell press conference . He is a scientist and new to the city . His remarks about Gotham are glowing . With Arkham gassed , prisoners were kidnapped by a Tabitha , Theo 's sister . The prisoners taken were Barbara and The Joker 's crew . Theo wants to have a band of crafty criminals to get revenge on Gotham for something . Barbara 's boyfriend refused and was hacked to death by Tabitha . With the gang wars going on , Maroni blew up Falcone 's car . Falcone wasn 't in it but he was injured . It turns out the city has chosen Maroni over Falcone and left Falcone unguarded in Arkham . Gordon wanted to do the right thing by helping the most stable bad guy ( Falcone ) regain power . He went to Arkham to find Penguin and Butch about to kill Falcone who was strapped to a gurney . They were arrested by him which meant he was responsible for them . Maroni 's men were told where to find Falcone and were surprised to see Gordon standing guard . It was funny that they went back and told on Gordon . They brought back Commissioner Loeb who basically threw Gordon to the wolves . All Gordon could do is call Bullock for back - up who wanted no part of it but eventually showed up at the end of Gordon 's gun fight with Maroni 's men . They stole an ambulance to get everyone out and were able to escape Maroni who just showed up . They end up at Falcone 's safe house and you can read what happened under the Fish & Cat section . At the start of the show , Fish sails in on a boat like a queen . Cat is mesmerized by her . When she gets off the boat , she approaches Cat . It is 2 weeks later and the next thing we see is Cat and Fish at Falcone 's safe house with men and guns . That could have been the coolest storyline to have Cat basically trained by Fish . Fish takes everyone prisoner : Penguin , Falcone , Gordon , and Bullock . She decided not to kill Bullock . Poor Butch is all confused . He was brainwashed somehow and seeing Penguin in trouble makes him want to help but not go against Fish . Fish calls Maroni to offer the prisoners to him . Maroni promised to give her back her territory and keep her at her previous level . She wants to be partners and Maroni partially agreed as long as he was number 1 and she was number 2 . Fish reluctantly accepted it until he kept calling her " babes " after she told him not to . The only thing she could do is shoot him in the head . After a few moments of shock , Maroni 's men started to shoot and everyone scattered . Falcone , Bullock , and Gordon fled . Falcone says he is ready to retire , but Cat finds them hiding in the street . They were brought back to Fish but a quickly interrupted by Penguin shooting at them . Fish runs out and Penguin follows her . They fought on top of the building when Butch arrives with a gun but is unsure who to point it at now . He ends up shooting both of them . Butch runs to apologize to Fish . She understands they did something to his mind so doesn 't blame him . Penguin comes up from behind to hit Butch . Fish and Penguin fight when Fish is pushed off the roof into the water below . Penguin gets up on the ledge ( I wouldn 't with his leg / foot problems ) and screams that he is the new King of Gotham . At the end of the episode , Gordon and Falcone talk . Falcone is going to retire and leave the city to Gordon , a real lawman . A knife that Gordon 's father gave to Falcone was gifted back to Gordon . He said Gordon 's father was the most honest man he knew but he always carried a knife . Falcone was told by Gordon 's father that a knife can be your best friend when you have none . This is the start of Gordon taking over the city . Barbara is still looking crazy after her time with the Ogre . Dr . Leigh was checking on her for physical injuries but encouraged her to get trauma therapy . Barbara said she was fine but when pressed she agreed as long as Dr . Leigh did it at Barbara 's home . Gordon and Dr . Leigh were not happy about it but it was for the good of Barbara . At her home , Barbara admitted that she knew about Leigh 's relationship with Gordon . She got Leigh to talk about it as part of an exchange for talking about what happened to her with the Ogre . Soon , Barbara admits that she killed her parents and that Jason ( The Ogre ) brought out her true self . Hearing that made Leigh nervous so , she tried to leave . Barbara chased her into the bathroom with a knife . When Barbara knocked down the door , they fought until Leigh knocked her out . Gordon came in with Bullock and Falcone . Bullock reminded him that he knew Barbara was trouble . Ed Nygma was approached by Kristin Kringle . She noticed on the note left for her by the missing officer that the first letter of each line spells out Nygma 's name . He tried to play it off like he didn 't do it . She was annoyed and skeptical with him when she left . All of a sudden , Nygma started talking to himself as if he were 2 different people . He blamed the other for leaving that clue . The other said she would like him better if she was a little scared of him and that she treating him like crap anyway . I think the Riddler is coming out . Bruce is still obsessed with finding out his father 's secret . He tears apart his father 's study looking for clues after remembering his father 's past habits . Bruce remembered that his father would lock himself in his study with classical music playing . Bruce was about to give up when Alfred said part of a proverb ( There are none so blind … ) and he thought of Marcus Aurelius , a famous Stoic . Lucious Fox told him his father was a true Stoic so he found a book about it in the study . It had a remote control hidden inside it . When Bruce pressed it , classical music started to play and then the fireplace moved to reveal a secret tunnel . It looks like we have found the Bat Cave . Bruce received the copied safe key from Cat by messenger . He arranged some kind of tour of Wayne Enterprises , pulled the fire alarm , and snuck into the office with the safe . Of course he got caught . The guy knew that they lifted his key and so he was waiting for Bruce to show up . He offered Bruce a cookie . I know I wouldn 't eat it . It was probably poisoned or something . The man told Bruce that all the Wayne men found out sooner or later how the company really worked . His father and grandfather learned to let the company run that way it does in exchange for the lifestyles they had . He encouraged Bruce to do the same . Lucious Fox , junior executive , was asked to escort Bruce back to his tour . At the elevator , Lucious secretly told Bruce that his father kept his best self hidden and was not what the company thought he was . Bruce didn 't understand but took it as his father having secrets that he needed to find out . He told Alfred how Reggie Payne died after Alfred had to identify him . Alfred was also informed of Bruce 's encounter in the office . Penguin was going through with is plan to kill Maroni in that restaurant . He had Butch hide 2 guns in the place for the hitmen to access . The main hitman was told when to go because a Maroni man was getting out of prison and Penguin knew that is where they always went for their first meals . The hitman arrived at the restaurant and said what Penguin told him to say before pulling the trigger . He made it seem as though Falcone arranged the hit and the guns were sabotaged by Penguin himself . This is setting up a war between Maroni and Falcone and Penguin just gets to sit and watch . The GCPD is preparing for the worst . Penguin is a genius at all this . Since Nygma killed the abusive cop , he needs to get rid of the body . He brought it into work in pieces in a couple of trunks . I guess no one pays attention to him enough to wonder why he had them . I believe he was going to use acid to dissolve as much as he could . I was annoyed because he was interrupted by Kristin Kringle and had the open container of " acid " right next to his face . I don 't know what acid he was using but if it 's dissolving bodies you are going to get strong fumes coming out of that bottle . She walked in to ask for a file and was appalled to see body parts in the sink . Kristin also asked if he saw the cop that day . Later , with just a very clean skull remaining , Nygma decided to write a note to Kristin as the cop so she didn 't keep thinking about him . Out of anger and / or frustration , he put the skull in a bag and beat it with a hammer like thing . His note to Kristin said the cop was leaving town and may call her when he gets back . Nygma was there to see how angry she was . He told her sometimes with men you have to read between the lines . The first letters on the left hand side of the note spelled out NYGMA . The Ogre , Jason , comes clean with Barbara about planning to kill her the first time they met . Barbara was surprised and tried to run out the apartment like he just has open doors . Jason thinks Barbara is the woman for him . He was even nervous when unfastening her from some chains . She spit in his face and said Jim will find her . He didn 't like that and said he would kill her if she mentioned Jim again . At one point , he gave her what looked like a glass of water to drink . She could have hit him over the head with the glass and got one of the axes off the wall to kill him . He actually told her that he would kill whoever she wanted . Barbara refused several times . Eventually , she said her parents . I 'm not surprised the way they treated her in that 1 episode like they were annoyed she came to see them . She seemed like she was in shock about everything or maybe on some kind of drug . Gordon blames himself for not protecting Barbara . He didn 't even think of her as being in danger . Bullock found a pimp that was boasting about knowing who the Ogre was so they interrogated him . They found out that man worked in roaming brothel but you need an invitation to get in . Gordon had no choice but to go to Penguin . Things got out of hand where Gordon pulled a gun on them . Penguin agreed to help but reminded him that the favors he is owed are piling up . Bullock went to the place undercover but was disturbed by the show and identified himself as a police officer . It wasn 't shown so we don 't know what was happening on stage . There were 2 people introduced and I think I heard a chainsaw type noise . Police show up and they threaten the owner with press if she didn 't say what she knew about the man in their sketch . She directed them to the hostess / front desk woman . She had a cut on her face from Jason months before he started killing women . As a hooker , she didn 't think to go to the police to say a rich man cut her which is understandable . She had been to his apartment and told them about a sign she saw out the window . Gordon and Bullock figured out the building but arrived to find it empty . While in the dungeon , Gordon smelled Barbara 's perfume and the phone rang . Jason called them to say he knew they were there . Bullock heard sounds on the call that gave them the idea that he was driving on a bridge near a train . Gordon remembered that Barbara 's parents lived in the area he was traveling . By time they got there , the butler and Barbara 's parents were dead . Barbara found Gordon in the room with her parents and was surprised to see him . Gordon asked where Jason was and at the same time Jason his Bullock over the head in another area of the house . Jason found them and put a knife to Barbara 's throat . He said he would protect and love Barbara more than Jim had . Bullock showed up and shot Jason in the head . Barbara is saved and will be even richer now that her parents are dead . Bruce is still shaken up about the killing of Reggie Payne . Cat makes him promise to tell no one even Alfred . She is not sorry for what happened . Bruce knows executives that work for his company have safes in their offices . He plans to take Cat to their charity ball to get the key from the main guy Payne told them about and get an imprint . Alfred wanted to go for Bruce 's protection but Bruce told him about Cat going . Alfred agreed to just wait in the car . They sent over dresses and accessories for Cat to Barbara 's house . Barbara being a socialite was going to the ball as well . At the ball , Bruce and Cat danced and got the key imprint . At the end of the night , Cat saw Barbara leaving with a man . The Ogre tracked down Barbara and got himself invited to her apartment with intentions of killing her . He was surprised when she said she didn 't have a boyfriend . She told him off and said once people so who she really was they drop her anyway . No one would care if she died tomorrow . Barbara told him to let himself out , which he did . In the meantime , Gordon is worried about protecting Dr . Leigh since she is his real " loved one " . She refuses to leave Gotham and told him to catch the guy to make her safe . Gordon and Bullock brought in the first detective to investigate The Ogre . His wife was killed by him . He gave them the name of where he thought the first victim worked that may be a connection . The place was a cosmetic surgery clinic . She was a nurse there , but they needed a warrant to get any information from them . Once they left the clinic , a car was parked in the alley and tried to run them over . Gordon recognized it from outside the precinct . Soon , Gordon got a call from The Ogre at the police station threatening him to drop the case or else someone he loves could be hurt . Gordon responded with a press conference telling the city about this serial killer . When the warrant came though , they found out the nurse came to them through a rich old woman from an old shipping family . They think it could be her son . When they arrive at the house , they find the butler hanging from a rope but not dead and the old woman long dead in her bed . The Ogre is the butler 's son , Jason , who was disfigured from birth . His mother had left after he was born and he thought of the old woman as his mother . He imagined that he was her illegitimate son and when he confronted her about it she laughed at him . He killed her and his father kept it a secret but has not seen him since . He only tried to kill himself because his son called to say the police were coming to the house . Jason had gotten plastic surgery at the clinic . Now , Jason was focused on Barbara . Even though she isn 't with Gordon now , he was intrigued by her . He showed up at the charity ball . He told her he can help her be what she really wanted to be . He knew what it was like to not be seen for the person he really was . He took her back to his place . She asked about a room in the house and he told her to look . It was his dungeon and Barbara did not seem scared ( see photo ) . Gordon realized that Jason had quoted to him something from an old article about him . He remembered the photo of him in that article was from a charity ball that he went to with Barbara . At Barbara 's apartment , Gordon found Cat who confirmed she left the party with The Ogre . Penguin spoke to a hitman about killing Maroni . Next think he knows Maroni is in his club talking to Oswald 's mother . After getting cozy with her , Maroni asks her if she knows all the horrible things her son has done including stabbing his friend several times . Penguin threatened him and called him a liar . Later , his mother wants to know the truth . Penguin said he is just a nightclub owner . I 'm not sure if she believes that or not . She goes to bed and a flower delivery man comes to the door with flowers from Maroni . Penguin drops the vase , picks up a piece of glass , and stabs the man in the neck . He drags the man away with a blood trail behind him . Ed Nygma walked in on Kristin Kringle kissing her newest cop boyfriend . When he spoke to her he saw bruises on her arm that she said was nothing . He confronted the cop who said that 's how you have to handle women . Nygma told him not to hurt her again or else . That meant that he watched outside Kristin 's house until the cop arrived . Nygma suggested he leave Gotham but the cop attacked him . The cop didn 't know that Nygma had a knife in his hand and stabbed him several times . At first Nygma seemed shocked at what he did but then I think there was some laughing . The Riddler may be coming out . Penguin was trying to buy a little bar / restaurant from an Italian woman who was not interested . He offered her money or anything she wanted . She said her granddaughter was being seduced by a guitar player so if he brought her home , she would consider his offer . Soon , Penguin found the guy but he was talking about true love and such . Penguin had his guy start cutting of his fingers . The girl comes home to the grandmother . Penguin 's plan is to kill Maroni there . Bruce is now determined to find Reggie Payne , the man that stabbed Alfred . Alfred wants to deal with it himself but when he tried to go his stitches opened . Gordon came by to urge Bruce not to get involved if he and Alfred won 't talk to the police . Bruce used Cat to help him find Payne . Alfred told him Payne was probably in a shooting gallery so Bruce looked at shooting ranges . Cat had to tell him what that really meant . They found Payne and took away his " medicine " until he told who sent him to Bruce 's house . Payne told him the names of the Wayne Industries employees and warned them not to fight them . Cat dropped his " medicine " out the window onto a ledge . After threatening both of them and reaching out the window , Cat pushed him out . Bruce moved that way but stopped himself so Cat had to do it . Fish had a new plan to get off of The Dollmaker 's island . It involved several steps . First , she had to get 2 groups of people in the basement to follow her plan , the weak and strong groups . She tested the alarm system by walking outside and waiting for security to come out . Her plan to weaker people , that we did not hear , was to the first guy she used as her sidekick . I think his name was Kelly . The strong people were told they would use a boat to escape the island . She needed them because she had to have killers on her side in case something went wrong . Her job was to steal the keys to the boat and open the gates before they escaped . The Dollmaker caught her in his office and threatened to shoot her in the stomach if she lied about trying to escape . Fish lied saying she wanted to steal a knife to kill herself over the nightmares she had after seeing the ex - manager stitched up with limbs that were not his . Plus , she didn 't want that to happen to her . He told her if she did something like this again he would do the same thing to her but worse . He didn 't know that she did actually take a set of keys . Fish 's plan was going along . She told the strong group to go to the boat and that she has unlocked the gate the night before . She would go back to get Kelly and said they better not leave without her . When Fish got to the basement , The Dollmaker was waiting for her . He didn 't know that the gate to the basement was unlocked and he was beaten up . The weak group and Fish went to the helicopter , which Fish lied about to the strong people saying she didn 't know how to fly it . The strong group realized when they got to the locked gate that Fish set them up as a decoy . Security shot the strong group and heard the helicopter . The head guard was able to shoot Fish ( probably in the stomach ) inside the helicopter but she still managed to fly away . Jim Gordon was approached by a young GCPD officer named Glenn Moore . Moore asked Gordon to reopen a case involving a young woman who was murdered but no one was working on at the moment . He said he was inspired by Gordon 's cleaning up the city and department . Flattery worked and Gordon agreed to look into it . Dr . Leigh ( Gordon 's girlfriend / GCPD ME ) was familiar with the area the girl , Grace Fairchild , was last seen in and told Gordon of various speakeasies there . Gordon had to convince Bullock to come along and they found the place that Grace was in . The bartender said she remembered the girl with a good looking man with her . We see a flashback to Grace and her date , Jason , in the speakeasy . Jason said he wants unconditional love which many women he dates can 't deal with . Grace somehow though it was sweet when I think that is super creepy . She went home with him and the next morning he would not let her leave . He has her go through tests to see her abilities to do what he asks . Basically , Jason wants a 1950s housewife . Grace overcooked his lamb and was near tears at the dinner table wearing shackles on her hands . He informed her it wasn 't working out . Next thing we see her in a dungeon . Jason has knives and tools in a box lined with 12 other photos of women that probably didn 't make the grade either . In Dr . Leigh 's examination of Grace 's body she noticed that the body was not abused just cut . She had been missing for months . Nygma came back with some forensic evidence that Gordon asked for . There was a missing piece that Nygma found a photo of a broken heart ( art not an actual heart ) . Bullock recognized the heart as a calling card for a serial killer that only top level detectives know about . Apparently , the young detective was told by Commissioner Loeb to give this case to Gordon . Jason ( aka The Ogre ) not only kills these women but also goes after family and friends of any cop that investigates him . Obviously , Loeb wants to get rid of Gordon . Gordon was predictably angry and threatened Loeb . He said after he takes down The Ogre he will come after Loeb next babbleworthyA brunette 's babbleThe Constant ReviewerIf it 's out , I 'll review it . From TV to films , food to make - up . . . Submit requests by clicking on the top right button ! Let 's Talk About TVI watch a lot of TV . I love a lot of TV . So , let 's talk about it . Storybrooke ResidentThere is a Town in Maine . . . Nerdy Girl NotesA Geek - Chic Guide to the MediaStories Have PowerLife changes when you read ! It 's All Geek To MeOfficial blog of It 's all Geek to Me Radio with Cate & EMFandomNess TVMade by fans for the fansgoodbye200A journey towards losing 200 poundsThe Barbed Wireaa Sharp - Twisted - Pointed - Satireyou ain 't specialbut that 's okayInside My Unhinged MindThey say you don 't have to say every thought that pops into your head . . . I just write itice cream magazine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . for lovers of ice cream . Your free on line magazine for sweet frozen treats . Recipes , inspiration , artisanal ideas for your delectation . |
Galvan seems to believe Butch enough to take him in . Tabitha likes him . Very soon , Galvan figured out what Butch was doing . He brought in Tabitha to unbrainwash him . It looks like Butch is leading Penguin into a trap . He told him that his mother is in a warehouse and he escaped the Galvans . One of the new recruits turned Gordon in for using unnecessary force to get information . The Captain informs him that Selina and the Fire girl are together . When Gordon tried to sneak up on Selina , she pulled a gun on her . She 's got one too . Everyone has a gun now . Gordon promised Selina he would help protect Bridget but the Captain is not interested in her sob story . Nygma overheard Kristin tell Leigh that she wishes he was a little more dangerous . Also she thinks he is hiding something from her . He cooked for her again . He was going to tell her something but Kristin wanted to go to his room . For some reason , Nygma told Kristin that he killed her abusive cop boyfriend . She freaked out and called him all sorts of names . When Nygma tried to quiet her down , he ended up suffocating her . Oops , Kristin seems to be dead . He is very upset . This may be the thing to set him over the edge . How is he going to explain this to the people at work ? Selina and Bridget robbed an underground sex trade sale of women . They wanted the money to get cop killer Bridget out of town . Bridget wanted to help the women but there was no time . On the way out of town , Bridget was kidnapped by her " brothers " . Bridget 's brother chained her to a radiator and threw little dynamite things at her . After agreeing to join the family again , Bridget burned them to death . She wants to avenge all the abused people . Selina tried to talk her out of it but in the end told her good luck . Bridget ended up freeing the captive girls . But in a run it with the police , she accidently set herself on fire . Selina held Leigh hostage until Gordon came home to tell her the news . She blames him . He tried to apologize . So , Bridget is not dead just badly burned . She is being transferred to a testing facility ( i . e . human torture ) which is a subsidiary of Wayne Enterprises . The Joker better be there as well . The new captain is trying to bankrupt Penguin . The guys counting money for Penguin are in their underwear . It makes sense to keep them from stealing things . Now that they are on a roll , Gordon and the team hit a warehouse that was protected by the city council . One of the brothers in the city 's most well - known arsonist team was at the warehouse picking up supplies . They shot him which set off the explosive he was stealing . Shouldn 't the captain be at the office and not running around town with Gordon ? Since Gordon is in charge of the police man 's union , Galvan tried to get Gordon to endorse him . Gordon wants to stay out of politics . Leigh said he should be flattered that he is so respected in the community . He is not letting Penguin know where his mother is . They kidnapped a Wayne Enterprises employee to get information about the company and Bruce . Tabitha has a new job for Penguin … arson . Butch uses Selina to get an audience with the city 's top arsonists . It 's a few brothers whose sister , Bridget , used to hang out with Selina . The sister is a mess now . She 's obviously their slave / housekeeper . Now that the one brother is dead she is taking his place . They tried to tell her it 's the family business but apparently she 's not really their family . Since she didn 't want to be family they offered to put her out on the streets to earn money . She chose to stay family . She actually completed the task of sneaking in the first of five buildings they were planning to blow up . Bridget rigged it up the explosives and opened the safe with that Wayne employee 's eye . The eye looked huge . I don 't know how big eyes are supposed to be . It may not be a human one that they used in the show . The safe had a large old knife in it that she took with her . On the way out her legs got burned . The girl made herself a fire resistant suit to protect herself from fire . Gordon found out all the buildings where owned by Wayne Enterprises . On the last trip out they were found by Gordon and Bullock . Her " brothers " drove off and she accidentally set one of the cops on fire when trying to get away . Selina was watching nearby and helped her escape . The cop died and now Gordon goes to Galvan for the promise of help . He will endorse him . Some evil monk wants Bruce dead . Kristin and Nygma are now an actual couple . Nygma invited Gordon and Leigh to dinner . Leigh offered her house for fondue . I 've never had fondue . Leigh has noticed the change in Nygma 's personality . Penguin got the knife stolen from that safe . Butch brought in a woman from his neighborhood who is an expert in antiques . She told of a story of how 200 + years ago that knife was used to cut the hand off a man accused of assaulting a woman in the Wayne family . The man said they were in love but she said he forced himself on her . That man 's family was another powerful family in Gotham and they were all banished to Europe . An order of religious people , not sure if they are monks or priests , took them in since they worship the family 's patron saint . Their name was removed from Gotham history . The people changed their name and as you guessed their new name is Galavan . Penguin wants Galvan to believe his is so paranoid that he fired Butch as a traitor . Butch is to join Galavan 's group and find out where Penguin 's mother is being kept . To convince him , he cut off Butch 's hand . Penguin is trying to get his people in order and find out who has been wreaking havoc on Gotham . Tabitha arrives to bring him to Theo . He asks him to kill the other mayoral candidates but when he refuses they reveal that they have Penguin 's mother held captive . She lives if they die . So Penguin takes shots at Theo , kills the one of the other 2 candidates , and sends Zsasz after the other . Gordon shows up at the scene and he realizes Penguin is involved . He tries to warn Penguin of the new day that is coming but he is too angry . Penguin reminds him that he knows things about him . Butch has still not been able to find Penguin 's mother . A new captain is in the precinct . His first move was to fire a few cops with criminal histories . He wants Gordon has his second in command . Unit Alpha was created from 4 new recruits from the academy to work with Gordon . Nygma 's " other self " told him that he save Kristin Kringle 's life so she owes him . He walked up to her , said they were going to dinner tonight , and she agreed . The dinner is at his house . They have a nice dinner . He briefly makes a mistake referring to her old cop boyfriend as dead and she hears him talking to himself . Things worked out and they kiss at the end of the night . Bruce finally goes back to school . Cat tries to visit him but Alfred smacks her and tells her to go way . Bruce didn 't see of course . Alfred told him as part of his training he would have to run home . Theo manages a dinner alone with Bruce . He even introduces him to his ward , Silver . She just happens to be back from overseas to attend the same school as Bruce . It seems Bruce is part of Theo 's plan . Some man asked Theo if he had Bruce yet and he said no . Jerome and Tabitha go to his father 's house . They manage to kill him just before Gordon and Bullock get there . That magic gas was hidden on Jerome 's father so it knocked out Bullock and disoriented Gordon . Gordon had just enough strength to try to strangle Jerome . Tabitha saved Gordon because you know they have plans for him . They are still trying to find Essen 's killer . Bullock is back and wants to talk to Penguin about finding them but Jim doesn 't want Penguin involved . In the meantime , they are shaking down any street criminal they can find for information on The Maniax . Bruce was forced to go to a benefit dinner with Alfred . Gordon refused to go with Dr . Leigh . She had the chance to speak to Bruce . Selina was there picking pockets . Jerome and Tabitha tied up the magician and plan to take his place . Leigh is the MC at the event for some reason . It is a charity to help a children 's hospital so I guess she is the only doctor in town . Alfred is trying hard to pick her up . Jerome actually can do magic . He got Bruce to go on stage as his prop . It 's the separating people into pieces trick . Barbara is the assistant and her mask slipped enough for Leigh to see her face . She was able to call Jim to say Barbara was there and possible Jerome but during the call she was dragged away . Jerome threw a knife at the deputy mayor . At that point , the audience realized this was not part of the act . The whole thing is being broadcast live . Bruce is able to escape with the help of Selina but he has to go back for Alfred . Selina is not about that but before she leaves , Bruce says he misses her . Theo is pretending to be the hero . Jim got inside just in time for Bruce to give himself up to Jerome to save Alfred . Theo came up from behind and killed Jerome . They keep killing the characters I like . Barbara did a magic trick of her own and disappeared . Now Theo is making friends with everyone . Alfred and Bruce feel they owe him a debt . Poor Alfred knows now the status of Leigh and Jim . Detective Bullock visited Penguin to warn him about asking Gordon for a favor . He could only threaten him for a little bit since Penguin had his people there . Bullock did compliment him on his place . Theo put the mayor 's head in a locked box ( while still attached to his body ) and forced him to say he was leaving town with a woman . He 's not . The Maniax is the name of this new group . The males of the group ( minus Theo ) throw people off the roof of the news building with letters on their chest spelling out the group 's name . It 's like they are cheerleaders . They wanted to be in the paper to announce themselves . Being bored , Tabitha and Barbara whip the mayor who still has his head in the box . Theo asks Barbara about Jim . Jerome and one of the guys fight over who should be the leader of the group . Theo suggests they play Russian roulette to settling things . Jerome had no problem trying his luck with several shots in a row . Theo named him as the proven leader . The next stint was to steal a fuel tank . They stopped a school bus full of cheerleaders , chained them up , and doused them ( and the bus ) in fuel . Of course the lighter didn 't work and soon Jim and the police showed up . One guy from the gang was left behind and Tabitha shot him in the head from the roof . Gordon managed to save the girls by driving it away . I don 't know why they didn 't take the keys to the bus with them . Gordon is in charge of finding the gang . Bullock was not willing to return but gave him a clue on where to look for the gang . Barbara calls Jim from a cellphone in the police station . She just led him out of there so the others could attack the station . Now he 's getting beaten up in an alley . Dr . Leigh was hiding in her office . Nygma pushed Kristin Kringle down out of the way of gun fire . Commissioner Essen is taken hostage by Jerome and she not having any of his nonsense . As soon as the black and / or hispanic girl gets the job as Commissioner , she gets killed . I 'm not happy about that . The Maniax put out a video to the media starring Jerome . He had blood on his face and made a dead cop 's mouth move like it was trying to talk . It has been 2 episodes and it 's the second one with making dead people " talk " . Bruce was so excited to find a computer in his father 's hideout . Alfred smashed it saying he was protecting Bruce from whatever killed his father . That got Alfred fired . The next day , he left saying he needed to catch a train . What train ? To where ? Bruce found him in the train station . He agrees to take him back if he helps him in whatever journey his is on . Alfred agrees and even accepts that he has to fix the computer . Later , Alfred tracks down Lucious Fox in a bar . He confides in him and dares him to betray them . Lucious was helping his father with technical issues but had no knowledge of what was on the computer or any real details of his work there . He is trying to fix the computer . Bruce was informed about the massacre at that police station and he runs to see Gordon . He even hugged and apologized to Jim . I don 't feel like Batman should be hugging people . There is a new headline attached to Gotham : Rise of the Villains . I guess that means we will see the villains start to take shape . A few people ( Penguin , Nygma , etc . ) started to show their evilness . I think it will be entertaining . I 'm interested on what they will do with Selina ( Cat ) and Barbara . We left Bruce when he and Alfred found what we assume is the bat cave . Now he just needs the combination to the door . Gordon visits him to say he has been fired and cannot fulfill his promise to find who murdered his parents . His only option to be a cop again is to do something against his morals . Bruce told him he is putting his personal views ahead of the greater good . For some reason , Alfred keeps calling Bruce a child . I think the actor is taller than he was . He is obsessed with opening this locked door to find out what his father has in there . Bruce , with help from Alfred , constructs a bomb to break into room . They found a letter that his father wrote to him when he was 12 years old . It urged him to seek happiness instead of truth unless he has a " true calling " . The entry code was Bruce . He didn 't try that ? She is in Arkham with Jerome ( The Joker ) . He tries to get her to befriend someone he works for because she needs a friend . She showed how easy it was for her to find a friend . But he can get her things so she is interested . I wonder what he wants in return . Why would they make her uniform a skirt ? It is actually stripped . Barbara gets the phone she wanted and uses it to call Gordon and Dr . Leigh . She wants Gordon to save her and Leigh to die . He has been demoted to directing traffic . A fellow officer taunts him and Gordon minorly assaults him . That was all he needed to get fired by Commissioner Loeb . Bullock left and is working in a bar . Gordon went to Penguin for help with Loeb but the price of being his debt collector was just too much . After listening to Bruce , he decides to go collect the money for Penguin and kills the bad guy . Oops . He has Butch and Cat working for him . Penguin is becoming a boss . It 's nice of Penguin to go take care of Loeb himself with Zsasz . They decapitated his protective guard . Penguin is so good . Loeb was begging to do whatever Penguin wanted so he wouldn 't be killed . Loeb is forced to resign , Essen is promoted to replace him , and Gordon is reinstated . Zordaan ( the soul reaper ) attacks people on the street , gets put in Arkham , and dies with blue gas coming from his mouth . It all started when Galavan , whom he called master , gave him a potion to drink . We next see Galavan speaking at Loeb 's farewell press conference . He is a scientist and new to the city . His remarks about Gotham are glowing . With Arkham gassed , prisoners were kidnapped by a Tabitha , Theo 's sister . The prisoners taken were Barbara and The Joker 's crew . Theo wants to have a band of crafty criminals to get revenge on Gotham for something . Barbara 's boyfriend refused and was hacked to death by Tabitha . With the gang wars going on , Maroni blew up Falcone 's car . Falcone wasn 't in it but he was injured . It turns out the city has chosen Maroni over Falcone and left Falcone unguarded in Arkham . Gordon wanted to do the right thing by helping the most stable bad guy ( Falcone ) regain power . He went to Arkham to find Penguin and Butch about to kill Falcone who was strapped to a gurney . They were arrested by him which meant he was responsible for them . Maroni 's men were told where to find Falcone and were surprised to see Gordon standing guard . It was funny that they went back and told on Gordon . They brought back Commissioner Loeb who basically threw Gordon to the wolves . All Gordon could do is call Bullock for back - up who wanted no part of it but eventually showed up at the end of Gordon 's gun fight with Maroni 's men . They stole an ambulance to get everyone out and were able to escape Maroni who just showed up . They end up at Falcone 's safe house and you can read what happened under the Fish & Cat section . At the start of the show , Fish sails in on a boat like a queen . Cat is mesmerized by her . When she gets off the boat , she approaches Cat . It is 2 weeks later and the next thing we see is Cat and Fish at Falcone 's safe house with men and guns . That could have been the coolest storyline to have Cat basically trained by Fish . Fish takes everyone prisoner : Penguin , Falcone , Gordon , and Bullock . She decided not to kill Bullock . Poor Butch is all confused . He was brainwashed somehow and seeing Penguin in trouble makes him want to help but not go against Fish . Fish calls Maroni to offer the prisoners to him . Maroni promised to give her back her territory and keep her at her previous level . She wants to be partners and Maroni partially agreed as long as he was number 1 and she was number 2 . Fish reluctantly accepted it until he kept calling her " babes " after she told him not to . The only thing she could do is shoot him in the head . After a few moments of shock , Maroni 's men started to shoot and everyone scattered . Falcone , Bullock , and Gordon fled . Falcone says he is ready to retire , but Cat finds them hiding in the street . They were brought back to Fish but a quickly interrupted by Penguin shooting at them . Fish runs out and Penguin follows her . They fought on top of the building when Butch arrives with a gun but is unsure who to point it at now . He ends up shooting both of them . Butch runs to apologize to Fish . She understands they did something to his mind so doesn 't blame him . Penguin comes up from behind to hit Butch . Fish and Penguin fight when Fish is pushed off the roof into the water below . Penguin gets up on the ledge ( I wouldn 't with his leg / foot problems ) and screams that he is the new King of Gotham . At the end of the episode , Gordon and Falcone talk . Falcone is going to retire and leave the city to Gordon , a real lawman . A knife that Gordon 's father gave to Falcone was gifted back to Gordon . He said Gordon 's father was the most honest man he knew but he always carried a knife . Falcone was told by Gordon 's father that a knife can be your best friend when you have none . This is the start of Gordon taking over the city . Barbara is still looking crazy after her time with the Ogre . Dr . Leigh was checking on her for physical injuries but encouraged her to get trauma therapy . Barbara said she was fine but when pressed she agreed as long as Dr . Leigh did it at Barbara 's home . Gordon and Dr . Leigh were not happy about it but it was for the good of Barbara . At her home , Barbara admitted that she knew about Leigh 's relationship with Gordon . She got Leigh to talk about it as part of an exchange for talking about what happened to her with the Ogre . Soon , Barbara admits that she killed her parents and that Jason ( The Ogre ) brought out her true self . Hearing that made Leigh nervous so , she tried to leave . Barbara chased her into the bathroom with a knife . When Barbara knocked down the door , they fought until Leigh knocked her out . Gordon came in with Bullock and Falcone . Bullock reminded him that he knew Barbara was trouble . Ed Nygma was approached by Kristin Kringle . She noticed on the note left for her by the missing officer that the first letter of each line spells out Nygma 's name . He tried to play it off like he didn 't do it . She was annoyed and skeptical with him when she left . All of a sudden , Nygma started talking to himself as if he were 2 different people . He blamed the other for leaving that clue . The other said she would like him better if she was a little scared of him and that she treating him like crap anyway . I think the Riddler is coming out . Bruce is still obsessed with finding out his father 's secret . He tears apart his father 's study looking for clues after remembering his father 's past habits . Bruce remembered that his father would lock himself in his study with classical music playing . Bruce was about to give up when Alfred said part of a proverb ( There are none so blind … ) and he thought of Marcus Aurelius , a famous Stoic . Lucious Fox told him his father was a true Stoic so he found a book about it in the study . It had a remote control hidden inside it . When Bruce pressed it , classical music started to play and then the fireplace moved to reveal a secret tunnel . It looks like we have found the Bat Cave . Bruce received the copied safe key from Cat by messenger . He arranged some kind of tour of Wayne Enterprises , pulled the fire alarm , and snuck into the office with the safe . Of course he got caught . The guy knew that they lifted his key and so he was waiting for Bruce to show up . He offered Bruce a cookie . I know I wouldn 't eat it . It was probably poisoned or something . The man told Bruce that all the Wayne men found out sooner or later how the company really worked . His father and grandfather learned to let the company run that way it does in exchange for the lifestyles they had . He encouraged Bruce to do the same . Lucious Fox , junior executive , was asked to escort Bruce back to his tour . At the elevator , Lucious secretly told Bruce that his father kept his best self hidden and was not what the company thought he was . Bruce didn 't understand but took it as his father having secrets that he needed to find out . He told Alfred how Reggie Payne died after Alfred had to identify him . Alfred was also informed of Bruce 's encounter in the office . Penguin was going through with is plan to kill Maroni in that restaurant . He had Butch hide 2 guns in the place for the hitmen to access . The main hitman was told when to go because a Maroni man was getting out of prison and Penguin knew that is where they always went for their first meals . The hitman arrived at the restaurant and said what Penguin told him to say before pulling the trigger . He made it seem as though Falcone arranged the hit and the guns were sabotaged by Penguin himself . This is setting up a war between Maroni and Falcone and Penguin just gets to sit and watch . The GCPD is preparing for the worst . Penguin is a genius at all this . Since Nygma killed the abusive cop , he needs to get rid of the body . He brought it into work in pieces in a couple of trunks . I guess no one pays attention to him enough to wonder why he had them . I believe he was going to use acid to dissolve as much as he could . I was annoyed because he was interrupted by Kristin Kringle and had the open container of " acid " right next to his face . I don 't know what acid he was using but if it 's dissolving bodies you are going to get strong fumes coming out of that bottle . She walked in to ask for a file and was appalled to see body parts in the sink . Kristin also asked if he saw the cop that day . Later , with just a very clean skull remaining , Nygma decided to write a note to Kristin as the cop so she didn 't keep thinking about him . Out of anger and / or frustration , he put the skull in a bag and beat it with a hammer like thing . His note to Kristin said the cop was leaving town and may call her when he gets back . Nygma was there to see how angry she was . He told her sometimes with men you have to read between the lines . The first letters on the left hand side of the note spelled out NYGMA . The Ogre , Jason , comes clean with Barbara about planning to kill her the first time they met . Barbara was surprised and tried to run out the apartment like he just has open doors . Jason thinks Barbara is the woman for him . He was even nervous when unfastening her from some chains . She spit in his face and said Jim will find her . He didn 't like that and said he would kill her if she mentioned Jim again . At one point , he gave her what looked like a glass of water to drink . She could have hit him over the head with the glass and got one of the axes off the wall to kill him . He actually told her that he would kill whoever she wanted . Barbara refused several times . Eventually , she said her parents . I 'm not surprised the way they treated her in that 1 episode like they were annoyed she came to see them . She seemed like she was in shock about everything or maybe on some kind of drug . Gordon blames himself for not protecting Barbara . He didn 't even think of her as being in danger . Bullock found a pimp that was boasting about knowing who the Ogre was so they interrogated him . They found out that man worked in roaming brothel but you need an invitation to get in . Gordon had no choice but to go to Penguin . Things got out of hand where Gordon pulled a gun on them . Penguin agreed to help but reminded him that the favors he is owed are piling up . Bullock went to the place undercover but was disturbed by the show and identified himself as a police officer . It wasn 't shown so we don 't know what was happening on stage . There were 2 people introduced and I think I heard a chainsaw type noise . Police show up and they threaten the owner with press if she didn 't say what she knew about the man in their sketch . She directed them to the hostess / front desk woman . She had a cut on her face from Jason months before he started killing women . As a hooker , she didn 't think to go to the police to say a rich man cut her which is understandable . She had been to his apartment and told them about a sign she saw out the window . Gordon and Bullock figured out the building but arrived to find it empty . While in the dungeon , Gordon smelled Barbara 's perfume and the phone rang . Jason called them to say he knew they were there . Bullock heard sounds on the call that gave them the idea that he was driving on a bridge near a train . Gordon remembered that Barbara 's parents lived in the area he was traveling . By time they got there , the butler and Barbara 's parents were dead . Barbara found Gordon in the room with her parents and was surprised to see him . Gordon asked where Jason was and at the same time Jason his Bullock over the head in another area of the house . Jason found them and put a knife to Barbara 's throat . He said he would protect and love Barbara more than Jim had . Bullock showed up and shot Jason in the head . Barbara is saved and will be even richer now that her parents are dead . Bruce is still shaken up about the killing of Reggie Payne . Cat makes him promise to tell no one even Alfred . She is not sorry for what happened . Bruce knows executives that work for his company have safes in their offices . He plans to take Cat to their charity ball to get the key from the main guy Payne told them about and get an imprint . Alfred wanted to go for Bruce 's protection but Bruce told him about Cat going . Alfred agreed to just wait in the car . They sent over dresses and accessories for Cat to Barbara 's house . Barbara being a socialite was going to the ball as well . At the ball , Bruce and Cat danced and got the key imprint . At the end of the night , Cat saw Barbara leaving with a man . The Ogre tracked down Barbara and got himself invited to her apartment with intentions of killing her . He was surprised when she said she didn 't have a boyfriend . She told him off and said once people so who she really was they drop her anyway . No one would care if she died tomorrow . Barbara told him to let himself out , which he did . In the meantime , Gordon is worried about protecting Dr . Leigh since she is his real " loved one " . She refuses to leave Gotham and told him to catch the guy to make her safe . Gordon and Bullock brought in the first detective to investigate The Ogre . His wife was killed by him . He gave them the name of where he thought the first victim worked that may be a connection . The place was a cosmetic surgery clinic . She was a nurse there , but they needed a warrant to get any information from them . Once they left the clinic , a car was parked in the alley and tried to run them over . Gordon recognized it from outside the precinct . Soon , Gordon got a call from The Ogre at the police station threatening him to drop the case or else someone he loves could be hurt . Gordon responded with a press conference telling the city about this serial killer . When the warrant came though , they found out the nurse came to them through a rich old woman from an old shipping family . They think it could be her son . When they arrive at the house , they find the butler hanging from a rope but not dead and the old woman long dead in her bed . The Ogre is the butler 's son , Jason , who was disfigured from birth . His mother had left after he was born and he thought of the old woman as his mother . He imagined that he was her illegitimate son and when he confronted her about it she laughed at him . He killed her and his father kept it a secret but has not seen him since . He only tried to kill himself because his son called to say the police were coming to the house . Jason had gotten plastic surgery at the clinic . Now , Jason was focused on Barbara . Even though she isn 't with Gordon now , he was intrigued by her . He showed up at the charity ball . He told her he can help her be what she really wanted to be . He knew what it was like to not be seen for the person he really was . He took her back to his place . She asked about a room in the house and he told her to look . It was his dungeon and Barbara did not seem scared ( see photo ) . Gordon realized that Jason had quoted to him something from an old article about him . He remembered the photo of him in that article was from a charity ball that he went to with Barbara . At Barbara 's apartment , Gordon found Cat who confirmed she left the party with The Ogre . Penguin spoke to a hitman about killing Maroni . Next think he knows Maroni is in his club talking to Oswald 's mother . After getting cozy with her , Maroni asks her if she knows all the horrible things her son has done including stabbing his friend several times . Penguin threatened him and called him a liar . Later , his mother wants to know the truth . Penguin said he is just a nightclub owner . I 'm not sure if she believes that or not . She goes to bed and a flower delivery man comes to the door with flowers from Maroni . Penguin drops the vase , picks up a piece of glass , and stabs the man in the neck . He drags the man away with a blood trail behind him . Ed Nygma walked in on Kristin Kringle kissing her newest cop boyfriend . When he spoke to her he saw bruises on her arm that she said was nothing . He confronted the cop who said that 's how you have to handle women . Nygma told him not to hurt her again or else . That meant that he watched outside Kristin 's house until the cop arrived . Nygma suggested he leave Gotham but the cop attacked him . The cop didn 't know that Nygma had a knife in his hand and stabbed him several times . At first Nygma seemed shocked at what he did but then I think there was some laughing . The Riddler may be coming out . Penguin was trying to buy a little bar / restaurant from an Italian woman who was not interested . He offered her money or anything she wanted . She said her granddaughter was being seduced by a guitar player so if he brought her home , she would consider his offer . Soon , Penguin found the guy but he was talking about true love and such . Penguin had his guy start cutting of his fingers . The girl comes home to the grandmother . Penguin 's plan is to kill Maroni there . Bruce is now determined to find Reggie Payne , the man that stabbed Alfred . Alfred wants to deal with it himself but when he tried to go his stitches opened . Gordon came by to urge Bruce not to get involved if he and Alfred won 't talk to the police . Bruce used Cat to help him find Payne . Alfred told him Payne was probably in a shooting gallery so Bruce looked at shooting ranges . Cat had to tell him what that really meant . They found Payne and took away his " medicine " until he told who sent him to Bruce 's house . Payne told him the names of the Wayne Industries employees and warned them not to fight them . Cat dropped his " medicine " out the window onto a ledge . After threatening both of them and reaching out the window , Cat pushed him out . Bruce moved that way but stopped himself so Cat had to do it . Fish had a new plan to get off of The Dollmaker 's island . It involved several steps . First , she had to get 2 groups of people in the basement to follow her plan , the weak and strong groups . She tested the alarm system by walking outside and waiting for security to come out . Her plan to weaker people , that we did not hear , was to the first guy she used as her sidekick . I think his name was Kelly . The strong people were told they would use a boat to escape the island . She needed them because she had to have killers on her side in case something went wrong . Her job was to steal the keys to the boat and open the gates before they escaped . The Dollmaker caught her in his office and threatened to shoot her in the stomach if she lied about trying to escape . Fish lied saying she wanted to steal a knife to kill herself over the nightmares she had after seeing the ex - manager stitched up with limbs that were not his . Plus , she didn 't want that to happen to her . He told her if she did something like this again he would do the same thing to her but worse . He didn 't know that she did actually take a set of keys . Fish 's plan was going along . She told the strong group to go to the boat and that she has unlocked the gate the night before . She would go back to get Kelly and said they better not leave without her . When Fish got to the basement , The Dollmaker was waiting for her . He didn 't know that the gate to the basement was unlocked and he was beaten up . The weak group and Fish went to the helicopter , which Fish lied about to the strong people saying she didn 't know how to fly it . The strong group realized when they got to the locked gate that Fish set them up as a decoy . Security shot the strong group and heard the helicopter . The head guard was able to shoot Fish ( probably in the stomach ) inside the helicopter but she still managed to fly away . Jim Gordon was approached by a young GCPD officer named Glenn Moore . Moore asked Gordon to reopen a case involving a young woman who was murdered but no one was working on at the moment . He said he was inspired by Gordon 's cleaning up the city and department . Flattery worked and Gordon agreed to look into it . Dr . Leigh ( Gordon 's girlfriend / GCPD ME ) was familiar with the area the girl , Grace Fairchild , was last seen in and told Gordon of various speakeasies there . Gordon had to convince Bullock to come along and they found the place that Grace was in . The bartender said she remembered the girl with a good looking man with her . We see a flashback to Grace and her date , Jason , in the speakeasy . Jason said he wants unconditional love which many women he dates can 't deal with . Grace somehow though it was sweet when I think that is super creepy . She went home with him and the next morning he would not let her leave . He has her go through tests to see her abilities to do what he asks . Basically , Jason wants a 1950s housewife . Grace overcooked his lamb and was near tears at the dinner table wearing shackles on her hands . He informed her it wasn 't working out . Next thing we see her in a dungeon . Jason has knives and tools in a box lined with 12 other photos of women that probably didn 't make the grade either . In Dr . Leigh 's examination of Grace 's body she noticed that the body was not abused just cut . She had been missing for months . Nygma came back with some forensic evidence that Gordon asked for . There was a missing piece that Nygma found a photo of a broken heart ( art not an actual heart ) . Bullock recognized the heart as a calling card for a serial killer that only top level detectives know about . Apparently , the young detective was told by Commissioner Loeb to give this case to Gordon . Jason ( aka The Ogre ) not only kills these women but also goes after family and friends of any cop that investigates him . Obviously , Loeb wants to get rid of Gordon . Gordon was predictably angry and threatened Loeb . He said after he takes down The Ogre he will come after Loeb next babbleworthyA brunette 's babbleThe Constant ReviewerIf it 's out , I 'll review it . From TV to films , food to make - up . . . Submit requests by clicking on the top right button ! Let 's Talk About TVI watch a lot of TV . I love a lot of TV . So , let 's talk about it . Storybrooke ResidentThere is a Town in Maine . . . Nerdy Girl NotesA Geek - Chic Guide to the MediaStories Have PowerLife changes when you read ! It 's All Geek To MeOfficial blog of It 's all Geek to Me Radio with Cate & EMFandomNess TVMade by fans for the fansgoodbye200A journey towards losing 200 poundsThe Barbed Wireaa Sharp - Twisted - Pointed - Satireyou ain 't specialbut that 's okayInside My Unhinged MindThey say you don 't have to say every thought that pops into your head . . . I just write itice cream magazine . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . for lovers of ice cream . Your free on line magazine for sweet frozen treats . Recipes , inspiration , artisanal ideas for your delectation . |
It seems life is full of hills ( good times ) and valleys ( bad times ) as Jimmy puts it . He says if you don 't have the valleys you really can 't appreciate the hills or the good times of your life . We were starting this year 2004 in a valley . Jimmy had lost his job ; he was very depressed and hard to get along with . It is hard enough to lose your job when you are young and your whole world is ahead of you , but at the age of fifty is tough . At this age we are branded and put out to pasture . It seems that society thinks we are no longer capable of being useful . The big problem now was what we were going to do . Jimmy was not able to look for a job in a different state . No one was calling him here in Arizona . We just bought this house and we couldn 't afford to lose it . We also had dad to worry about and how hard it would be trying to move him again . I noticed a big change in Jimmy . The man who was always trying to be one step ahead , always micro managing his bakery , always providing for us , now had an I don 't care attitude . He didn 't want to get out of bed . He would watch TV all day long and eat . He did send out résumés but sometimes I wonder if he really tried to get a job like when he was younger . He didn 't seem to be on top of the game while he let this depression swallow him up . I would find us arguing a lot and just plain getting agitated with each other . My head would shout , not again , or why is this happening . I tried to help him but I felt like a failure because I couldn 't seem to do anything to cheer him up and sometimes , shameful to say , I would feel like giving up on him . Sometimes I wonder if this was harder to deal with than when he was having an affair . Marriage is so sacred but also one of the hardest jobs you will ever have . The give and take part is sometimes not evened out and it seems to me that I was always giving out a lot more . Life doesn 't stop , I still had to go to work , take care of dad , and try to keep things as normal as possible for Regina and Adias . I was working midnights atPg 36 - My Life Welcome back to my romance blog . For those of you have just found me , I am writing a tale about life and how love is a choice . I don 't mean the first time you get those butterflies in your stomach , but to keep love alive is a job all of its own . One you have to choose to do this and then you have to take action . I have been writing about my life and all the ups and downs that I have endured and yet how we kept our love and family alive and well . So back to my story . I got a hold of my children and told them we had to get together for Thanksgiving this year because Jenny would be out of the country for Christmas and I wanted us all to get together and support her before she left to help our country . I planned a big excursion to see the Grand Canyon . I also bought my first artificial Christmas tree , which was small and decorated it in red , white and blue ornaments and little flags all around it . The girls seemed to have fun as they decorated it . Thanksgiving finally came around and first the sad part was we had to put dad in a nursing home for our little retreat . We were going to be gone for three days and it hurt to know that dad couldn 't come with us . All the good times with him in the past years flooded my mind with how much fun he use to make our adventures until this terrible disease took hold of him . The happy part was that all my kids and their kids plus Jimmy and I ranging from six months to fifty years were going to be together for three days . We tried to keep hidden in the back of our minds that Jenny was going to be gone to Turkey and Iran for anywhere from 12 months to 18 months . We didn 't want that to spoil our family time . We were told at that time she had to leave by December forth . So finally everyone showed up , packed and we left for Williams , Arizona . It was fun for me just to sit back and watch the kids get reacquainted with each other and their nieces and nephews . We ate at a wonderful smorgasbord , played board games and slept in the hotel that night before we grabbed the train to the Grand CPg 35 - My Life Hello and welcome back to my blog . I am sorry I have not written to much these last few days , but I have been so busy helping Jennifer with Adias 's sixteen birthday party . The party was a huge success and the rooms were decorated so beautiful . Adias looked lovely in her peach dress and her boyfriend wore a peach tie to match . But now back to reality . I am back at work , a little worn out , and glad to have survived this event . So on with my story . Adias ( daugher ) - Jennifer ( mother ) First let me explain about my father in law at this time . This man who taught us so much about life cannot take care of himself at all . I bathe him , yet I make him brush his own teeth . Sometimes I shave him and sometimes he shaves himself . He wears depends , which are adult diapers . He seems to have to ask my permission if he wants to go outside . He has no idea how to turn on a light switch or turn on the TV set . This disease melts the brain and even though he is relatively healthy , his ability to do even the smallest task is disappearing . I have put him on a schedule sort of . I get him up at a certain time , give him his bath and breakfast at a certain time and day care at a certain time . But when the bewitchig hour appears it is hard to have a schedule since all he wants to do is roam around the house . I tuck dad in bed at the same time and actually have a baby monitor in his room so I can hear if he gets out of bed . When he does I tuck him right back in again . I decided that maybe with a schedule it would help him know what he is suppose to be doing . I found that through my 49 years , life was challenging and always an adventure . In October it was time to move to our new home in Arizona . Jimmy flew with Grandpa Joe because it would be too hard to drive this long distance with him in the car . When he got to Arizona Jimmy put dad into a nursing home temporarily and Jimmy started his new job . Regina , Jessica , Adias and I got into the car and drove to Decatur first to visit my son Erik and his wife Betsy . Next we drove to Oklahoma to visiPg 34 - My Life Adias , Marie , Carol Good afternoon , and what a busy day it has been so far . Jenny and Jose had to get a trailer to put all the stuff sitting in my living room that is for this big party . I took Carol , Adias and Jason to get pedicures . Carol is sixty - three years old and this is the first time she has ever had a manicure or pedicure . That just breaks my heart . We went shopping and I helped her pick out some cloths for the party which she preferred pants and a blouse with sleeves instead of a dress . Next was lunch and than a run to Wal - Mart for more supplies for the party . So since I have a few slow minutes and I will try to blog just a little more . Where was I ? On Sunday our tour guide took us on a yacht to cruise to the island of Isla Mujeres . We drove golf carts to a turtle 's farm . Next we sailed in a catamaran to snorkel in the Caribbean Water . I have never snorkeled before so my throat hurt from swallowing so much salt water . Before we knew it the weekend was over , but never forgotten . As I had said I took my father in law to see his sister in laws at least once a month . It was a great time for all of us but the sad part was my father in law would forget every evening by the time I got home . A couple of times I would dial my Aunt Yolanda 's phone so he could talk to her and she would remind him of the afternoon we had . It was sad to see him cry on the phone because he just couldn 't remember . Grandap Joe , Aunt Ann , Marie , Aunt Yolanda , Aunt Betty - This picture is the cover of my Alzheimer 's book On August 19 , I learned that Jimmy got a new job , again . This time we were moving to Arizona . We moved into dad 's house because he didn 't want to move out of his house and we wanted him to have a stable environment . Time has changed and dad has no idea where he is now , so we felt like we could move him to Arizona with us . We had a lot of chores ahead of us . We had to clean out dad 's house andgarage and get it ready to sell . We both still had our jobs . Dad was still going to the day care five days a week and GiPg 33 - My Life Well I am finding a few minutes to try and blog a little bit . Let 's see where was I ? Let me go back to taking care of my father in law with his Alzheimer 's . This is a real tough job for any family member to do . One of the hardest things is to see your father going through a child like state and not even know who you are . During the time of taking care Grandpa Joe , Jimmy went through a lot oftimes of being aggravated with this , and remorse for getting upset . After we got dad in a day care we found out about respite care . This is where you can put your loved one in a nursing home for a few days so you can rest or just get a break from this 24hr - 7 day a week job . We decided that we needed to get away and just be with each other . So we planned a trip to Cancun , Mexico . We did this trip through Apple vacations which include flight , hotel and food . We really did need a break and be Jimmy and Marie again . The hotel was beautiful and had four restaurants to eat free from inside . The beach was just outside of the pool of the hotel with sand so white and an ocean so blue and full of waves . The first thing we did was parasailing . This was not an easy task to get my husband to do . He is not as adventurist as I am , and at first when I saw the man selling tickets for the parasailing my husband told me no . I was really disappointed , and I was afraid this trip was going to be another Paris trip where Jimmy 's heart was not in it . Jimmy saw the look in my eyes and how disappointed I looked , and without me saying a word he called to the guy and next thing I know we are being hooked up in a two person suit . I will never forget Jimmy 's first words as we ran with the string from the boat pulling us up from the beach . " Marie what did you get me into . " He was not happy . But once we were sailing in the sky and he saw how beautiful the worldn looked below him , he changed his mind and told me thank you . This started a whole new trend for him on this little weekend getaway . We found an apple tour guide and decided to take a tI am sorry 2 / 22 / 2012 Good morning everyone , I probably won 't be blogging to much this week , and I want to apologize ahead of time . This is a very special and busy week . My oldest grandbaby is turning sixteen years old on the twenty - sixth and my daughter Jennifer is having a real big formal party for her on Saturday . I mean we have to actually get all dressed up with the men in suits and women in formal dresses . What an exciting few days ahead of us . This is also an uncomfortable week for my son in law , because Jenny paid for Adias 's real dad and his mother to come into town and enjoy the party . He doesn 't understand why they have to be here . This is one of the things that are hard on marriages . If you get married and you have children from someone else this can be hard for the two of you , because the other person will have to always be in your life . There seems to be a competition going on , with the other spouse confused as to what their role is in the life of the child they are now parenting . In Jenny 's case she wasn 't married before , she just had a baby in high school , yet her husband feels betrayed and confused when the other man 's name is mentioned or he calls his daughter . It isn 't right or wrong , this is a natural response . I guess the other spouse has to have faith and try to put on the shoes of the other parent . We are busy , busy , and busy with all kind of chores to do for this big event . I am babysitting my grandbabies and I have Carol here , Adias 's grandmother from Oklahoma and I am hoping to make her feel comfortable in our home . We have to do the women things like get our hair done and get manicures . We have to fix the hall on Saturday before this big party and my husband has a lot of cooking to do for this . So if I get a chance to blog this week I will but I am just telling you in advance it may not be until Monday before I can blog again . Thank you for reading this and have a great day ! ! ! ! ! 0 Comments Good morning and welcome back to my romance blog . Just and FYI I do have my newest book Rosemary & Antonio for free on Amazon . I am trying to get my book out there for others to see and hopefully get some reviews on it . So if you are interested it would be greatly appreciated . Marriage is one of the toughest jobs you will ever encounter . So many factors tribute to why marriages fail . Some it is money . We have had our share of bad times when I would be counting pennies for a gallon of milk . I remember one time when I use to keep any change we get back in this bottle and had to empty it so I could pay the electric bill . Some fail because of children . Our children take a lot of our time and we don 't give our spouses as much of our time as we use to . It is hard to find the time to be romantic , or just go out on a date . We forget that the kids didn 't ask to be born and now you have to change the way you live with a new role of responsibility . One of my hard parts with my husband was the fact he didn 't like to change dirty diapers and he would let the kids sit in them if he thought I would be home soon . Another reason for divorce is our differences with each other . My husband and I are very different people and one of the biggest things for me was the fact he was not as outgoing as he seemed when we first got together . Although he loved that I was so free spirited and alive this also drove him nuts especially in the morning when I am awake the fullest and he likes to wake up slow . Of course marriage infidelity is a big one . We did go through that one with Jimmy having an affair and I did my part by kissing another man . Even the struggles of taking care of someone who needs more help than you realized . Taking care of Grandpa Joe was a lot harder than we anticipated . We would argue because I thought that Jimmy was a lot harder on him than he should be at times . With this said I guess I am saying love is a choice again . We chose to stick it out and be as one to get through all the trials that were handed to us . At tRegina , Adias , Jessia , Grandpa Joe Dad was now at the daycare five days a week for four hours a day . I was working two midnights a week . I had to make the summer count now that I was back in Chicago . So we took little trips , sometimes taking Grandpa Joe and sometimes in the four hours he would be at the day care . We took him to the Decatur Fair , and to picnics around at the park by the house . We took him to Adias soft ball games . Sometimes just Jessica , Gina , Adias , Lynn and I would tour Chicago for a couple of hours while he was at the daycare . We would go one day to China Town , or one day to Old Town . We went to the zoo , and Navy Pier . We spent time at the beach and the museums . I was in heaven again , because I love Chicago and I felt like I was giving the couple of kids at home some great memories . Regina , Jessica , Marie , Adias in China Town In July Erik and Betsy planned on getting married . Yep number two in my family . So of course Kristina came down for the wedding which gave me the perfect opportunity to give her a baby shower with all the relatives . Plus Grandpa Joe seemed to love to hold this tiny baby . I know you think I must sound funny , but since we have lived so far away for so long it just felt so good to have a reason to have all the great Aunts and cousins over . Grandpa Joe 's house was full of women again and I was having fun decorating , cooking and showing off my second grandchild . Jimmy , Damian , Grandpa Joe , Kristina Finally July 19 , 2003 Erik and Betsy got married . The sad part of this wedding is the fact I could not bring Grandpa Joe with us . My sister in law came over to stay with him as we went to Decatur for a couple of days for this wonderful event . I know it was sad also for my son to have only one set of grandparents at his wedding , but he also understood why Grandpa Joe could not come . There is no way with his Alzheimer 's that we could take care of him in a hotel room and at a wedding . Plus the fact I was the photographer which kept me very busy . The wedding was beautiful , and a lot of the relatives from Wisconsin showed up since it wasn 't too bad of a drive for them , including my Grandma Clara Ricci which is their Great Grandma . What an honor to have her show up for this festive occasion . Betsy & Erik During this time dad has had some major changes . First he doesn 't stand still anymore . He has the need to rock back and forth from one foot to the other . He seems to have the need to ask permission now to go anywhere around the house . He asks to go on car rides but shortly after we are gone he will say " To far , take me home . " So he is getting a little more impatient . He is constantly forgetting what he is doing or where he is going . He will tell me he has to go to the bathroom but walk into his bedroom before going back to his chair . He does not want to bath anymore . So now I am taking on the job of bathing him , and he is real impatient about baths , yelling at me " hurry up " or " that 's enough . " He continues to walk from the front door down the drive way to the mail box and then back to the house . It is so hard to see him like this . Well I hope you are all having a great day and will blog soon . Take care , LIVE , LOVE & LAUGH . You only get one chance . 0 Comments Good Saturday to you all . I am so excited this morning . I remember telling you that I published another book called Rosemary & Antonio . Well I put it on Amazon and their promotion for the next 5 days a person can get it for free . I checked the ratings and it looks like I have given away 70 books so far with the ratings of 2 , 427 in the free kindle store and # 62 in kindle store fiction historical romances . I am so excited . I know you probably think I am crazy , why give a book away for free ? I just want to see if people will read what I wrote . My books are going slowly and a lot of that is because I don 't have the money to really advertise . So maybe if they like what they read they will purchase my other books , just a thought . Anyway I am excited to see these books go . Well on with my story . We had a good Christmas and most of my kids had to leave after our trip to the museum . I decided to have a big family get together with all the relatives like they do with the family Gaeta picnics . Jimmy and I were busy cooking and baking and on December 27 we had everyone over . It was great to see everyone , especially since we had been gone again for a while and missed some more of the family picnics . Dad sort of stayed in the shadows . People would go up to him and say hi . I could tell he didn 't really recognize all of them , which broke my heart . There was so much noise and laughter in the house and I was hoping we weren 't scaring him . When I finally found him sitting quietly in his chair with a dazed look on his face I decided that we should do karaoke . Dad got up and had fun with that . He didn 't sing but he danced so one of my kids would sing and me and dad danced the night away . January finally arrived and it was Jessica 's birthday . She hadn 't gone back to school yet . My life was so different now , and no one really around . I found that people were avoiding us , because they didn 't like to see dad with his Alzheimer 's so I brought Jessica to a restaurant with Grandpa Joe for her birthday . I whispered to the waiI was at least once a month taking trips with my father in law to see his sisters in laws and having lunch with them . Aunt Ann , Aunt Yolanda , Grandpa Joe , and I would first go to the nursing home to see Aunt Betty , and then go on to lunch . They all seemed to treasure these little field trips plus I love those ladies so much . It was just an excuse for me to get to know them even better . I tried to keep dad busy , with strolls in the mall or at the park . One afternoon Jimmy and I picked up Aunt Ann and took her to the park with us . Dad really enjoyed walking around this excursion with Aunty Ann . I also put dad in a new day care that was closer to the house . It was only the second day he was there that I found the front door locked to the facility . It seems that dad would wonder out of there so they had to lock the door to keep him safe . Grandpa Joe & Aunt Ann I remember one time in February when I got a phone call from Regina . Jimmy and I both were working but I was getting off and dad was supposed to be sleeping along with Gina . Gina called saying that Grandpa had been up since 5am and mad at her because she won 't call the bus company . I kept her on the phone until I got home and then I proceeded to take care of dad . I got his coffee ready for him but he was so upset . He ranted on that the bus just left and there are no more drivers ! A woman is waiting for the bus . I had no idea what he was talking about which made him more angry with me . Finally he accused me of getting him fired from his job . Sometimes dealing with life was pretty difficult . I had to comfort Gina also who was upset with Grandpa and his accusations . March came and it was time for Regina 's sixteenth birthday . I wasn 't sure how to make it special for her , after all none of her siblings were living with us or around us . We asked her what she wanted and her reply was she wanted to spend it with her best friend Lindsey from Oklahoma and go to a Bulls game . So that is what we did . We flew in her girlfriend and Jimmy got them matching shirts and hats and the three of them enjoyed the Bulls game together . I couldn 't go because I had to watch dad , but then I am not really into sports , except when my kids played them . Lindsey , Jimmy , Gina In April I decided to plan a special wedding shower for Betsy , my Erik 's fiancée . This was actually the first time I was at home where relatives live to have a big shower like this . Well plus that fact that this was only the second wedding in our family and we didn 't live by Kristina when she got engaged . So it was planned and a lot of the women showed up along with Betsy 's mother . My father in law looked a little loss with all these women around . I really tried hard to keep a normal life while taking care of dad without upsetting him to much or getting him off his routine too much . The older women , my Aunt Anne , Aunt Yolanda , and his sister Aunt Mary kept conversation with him and that really helped . On May 23 , my newest grandchild was born . Damien Michael Morris to my oldest daughter Kristina and her husband Arin . Of course I had to take a trip to see all of them leaving Jimmy and Regina to take care of Grandpa Joe . Jenny was still living in Oklahoma so I got to see her and Adias also . I forgot how wonderful it was to hold such a small and precious child again . My mother instincts kicked up and of course the empty nest syndrome hit me again when I had to go back home . Damien Michael Morris I decided to volunteer at the day care center so I brought in my beauty supplies and would do some of the women 's hair for free . I really missed doing hair and this was so much fun to see their smiling faces as I showed them how pretty they looked when I finished . I also got to do a sneak preview on what dad does when he is there . To my surprise he has a nick name of Smoky Joe , and no he does not smoke . Only he doesn 't recognize any of them so he smiles and waves when they say hi . After being there for maybe an hour and a half he gets his coat on waiting to go home . They try to get him interested in their games or exercising or even painting but it is no use . He will listen to the reading of the news paper and than just fall asleep . That really broke my heart , but I still brought him there five days a week for four hours to give myself a break . Well I think that is enough for today . I hope you all have a great weekend . Keep smiling and counting your blessings . 0 Comments Happy Friday to all of you . It is hard to go to work and still be under the weather . I just can 't seem to kick this cold , flu whatever it is I got . My ambulance was pretty slow all day , so I did my blogging and I am almost done with an afghan that I am making a friend . At around eight forty five pm I decided to close my eyes just in case we would be up all night . But the tones went off at nine pm and we were up all night doing calls . So needless to say , I am exhausted . I did sleep for three hours when I got home , but how am I suppose to get rid of this cold without the right kind of sleep . I am looking forward to a good night 's sleep tonight before going in again in the morning for another twenty - four hours . So on with my story . Alzheimer 's is a very strange and disturbing disease . This disease takes the mind of the loved one you know and love and slowly melts it away so that soon they don 't remember anything . Just like in a twilight zone movie they are lost . I was still under the impression I could help bring dad back . So I did things like take out the photo albums and have him tell me who the people were in them . The sad part to this experiment is whenever he saw a picture of his wife he would ask me where she was and why did she leave him . I tried my hardest to remind him that she died and that they were very happy together . I would question him making him tell me his name and birthday , which I found he could tell me his birthday but not how old he was . Then he said something profound , he said that sometimes he does not know who he is . Dad was lost in his head , and my name now was Lady to him . Hey Lady , he would say , give me the phone so that I could call my son . That would break Jimmy 's heart . Oh yea , Jimmy was working full time now and I went part time . I tried to put dad on a schedule so maybe that would help him . He didn 't want to take a bath so I would trick him by telling him that I just finished my bath and drew up water for him . He couldn 't understand that if he fought in WWII and they diI love the museums in Chicago and so before they all had to leave to go back to their own lives , we ventured to the Museum of Science and Industry . Of course we took dad with us , and it was cute watching my kids take turns pushing dad in his wheel chair . This was a learning experience for my kids also as they watched this disease take their grandfather away from them . Back row : Arin , Kristina , Jessica , Erik Front row : Grandpa Joe , Jennifer , Adias , Regina OK that is enough for today . I know you are wondering how I call this a romantic blog . I am telling my life and it has to do with all kinds of love and how love is a choice . Have a great day . Remember to love with your whole heart . Don 't put off telling someone you love them today . 0 Comments Good day to you all . Sorry but I have been under the weather the last few days so I will try and catch up today . Hope you are doing well . On with my story . This was one of the hardest moves I have ever made . Kristina was married living in Oklahoma . Jennifer took off with Adias to Oklahoma . Erik got an apartment because he was in love and wasn 't going to let Betsy out of his sight . Jessica decided to go to Maryland for college so she could be near Zack . Regina was still in high school so she didn 't have a choice but to come with us . I finally found out what empty nest was for a mother of five to have all of them but one leave in a single day . I was having trouble handling this . But we had no choice . We had to take care of dad , or I guess we could put him in a nursing home , but that idea was not registering in my head . We drove to Palos Heights , Illinois to his house . Joanne had a truck in the driveway taking out her belongings and we were putting in ours . Grandpa Joe was so confused . We took out dad 's refrigerator and put in ours . We had boxes all over the house . Dad was sneaking around the corners trying to figure out what was going on . I mean when we first got there we said hi to dad and told him we were moving in but I am not sure he really understood what we were telling him . Finally he walked around all the boxes and asked me what we were doing with his stuff . He said that he put his hard work and sweat into this place and now we were packing him up . I tried to explain to him that we were moving in and Jimmy opened the boxes to show him that the stuff in side was not his . This was the first time for me to see him so confused and it hurt to see this man who taught me so much of life appear so helpless . The next day we were busy cleaning out kitchen cabinets and closets . Some of the old dishes that were in the family for years I boxed up for my kids to keep as a reminder of their grandparents . Dad just watched me , and seemed pretty confused with all my hustle around his kitchen . Dad had his own room so JiI found my new job of taking care of dad was going to be a lot harder than I thought . Neither of us was ready for his confusion . For instant Jimmy bought him an electric shaver since he was having trouble with the other kind , plus putting a rash on his face . But dad kept constantly misplacing it . So we bought another one and hid it . When he would lose one we would bring out the other one and go on a man hunt for the first one . Plus one time we went to the store and when we came back we found my father in law in the bathroom , he had the top of the toilet tank off and water and feces were on the bathroom floor and in the sink . He was frustrated telling us that he was fixing the toilet . To see my father in law so confused broke our heart . This man could do anything . In fact when we first got married he built an apartment in the basement of his house for us to live in the first year . And this house he owns now , really needed a lot of work and he did it all himself . I finally found a job at Trace Ambulance . This meant Jimmy was going to have to watch dad full time . What a hard job for Jimmy . He found he didn 't have the patience that he needed to take care of dad . So the hunt was on for Jimmy to quickly find a full time job so that I could go part time and do more of the caring for dad . My son Erik and his girlfriend which was now his fiancé came to visit us and we toured the John Hancock Building . My girlfriend Evett and her boys came for a visit with a tour of The Science and Industry museum . I needed little excursions like that because I was really missing my kids and I was driving my poor Regina nuts . I just wanted her company all the time . The holidays rolled around with Thanksgiving at dad 's house . Jimmy was busing cooking the Turkey with Joanne and her daughter , Melissa and my Erik , plus Cousin Colleen came for the evening . Dad had a good time eating , listening to the conversation and letting us know that this was his house we were in . It was like he was reminding himself where he was at . Regina , Jimmy , MarWell I think I will finish for today . Remember that to the world you may be just one person but sometimes to just one person you may be their world . Take care . 0 Comments |
The lunch rush at Darryl Hansen 's restaurant , Cafe Belgie , is getting to be too much for one man to handle , and Billy Weaver is a young man in search of a job - any job - to support his family . Billy gains Darryl 's respect with his earnest nature and willingness to work hard , but Billy 's admiring looks resurrect pain and shame from Darryl 's past . Until Darryl stumbles across Billy 's secret , Billy is suffering in silence : his father died a few months earlier , leaving him struggling to raise his twin five - year - old brothers . Darryl takes Billy and the boys to the restaurant , where they 'll stand together to face the smorgasbord of troubles in their future . . . while Davey , Donnie , and Billy all worm their way into Darryl 's heart . Robert Fortier is the county 's newest judge , and a reluctant one at that . He is well aware that a public life is not always easy , especially when your personal life makes you the target of a media frenzy . Still , Robert enjoys Sebastian 's company , and Sebastian is never without a serving of happiness and flair for his favorite public figure . But Sebastian is not without his issues either - family chaos and an ex in trouble will put the pressure on as they struggle for even footing in this new romance . Russ has been covering for his abusive boyfriend for so long it 's almost automatic , but with a little help from his friends , he finds the courage to break it off . To his surprise , Peter is still interested , and soon they 're falling hard and fast . But then their world is thrown into turmoil : Peter finds an old letter indicating he has a half sister he 's never met , and Russ 's past interferes when his ex makes it clear he 'll do anything to get him back . To make a small fortune , start with a large fortune and open a bakery . That 's the advice Marcus Wilson has heard . Unfortunately , Marcus doesn 't have a large fortune - just a bakery , A Slice of Heaven , in Carlisle , Pennsylvania , and the determination to make it successful . He needs more help than he can afford , so when he hires accountant Gregory Southland , it 's for hours in the shop as well as on the books . Gregory takes a second job at the bakery to help pay the bills now that his health is improving . Soon he 's looking forward to spending time with Marcus , but as the business - and their relationship - grows , so do the complications : First Marcus 's stepmother involves him in a cause that could give the bakery a reputation it doesn 't need . Then Marcus and Gregory disagree over whether to involve A Slice of Heaven in a civil rights dispute . To top it off , Gregory 's ex - boyfriend makes an appearance just when he is at his most vulnerable . But the greatest complication by far is Marcus and Gregory 's struggle to learn to trust each other and themselves , especially when it comes to baking up matters of the hear . Darryl loved spring , and it was definitely in the air . Pulling his front door closed , he looked up at the blue sky and inhaled deeply . The air smelled of pear blossoms , and as he walked toward the car , a breeze filled the air with white floating petals . Deciding it was too nice to drive , Darryl turned and began walking down the sidewalk , turning onto the main street of town . Heading toward the business district , he passed stately Victorian mansions , most turned into apartments , but many retaining the opulent look of a bygone era . As he continued walking , Darryl couldn 't help looking between the buildings to catch glimpses of the old cemetery and its bronze statue marking the grave of Molly Pitcher . God , he loved this town . Carlisle , Pennsylvania , had been founded by William Penn in the mid - eighteenth century . As Darryl approached the square , he looked at the large church on the corner with its cherry tree in full bloom behind the sign that reminded everyone that George Washington had worshipped there in 1794 . Café Belgie was his dream . Darryl had spent almost a decade working in other people 's kitchens until he 'd managed to scrimp and save the money to open his own place . He 'd chosen a Belgian - themed restaurant because that was what he loved . Good , simple food with a certain flair . Besides , it gave him an excuse to carry the most wonderful selection of beer . Stepping to the door , he gazed one last time up the street at the trees filled with blossoms that rained down on the sidewalk . " If you think I 'm going to take that shit , you 're crazy , woman ! " Sebastian , one of his servers , was upset , and his voice carried out into the street and drowned out the sound of traffic . " I 'm not working the lunch shift alone . Darryl will just have to call someone in to help . " God , the man could wail , and Darryl felt it like fingernails on a chalkboard . Darryl stepped inside and let the door close with a thud as he saw Maureen throw her hands up and walk back into the kitchen . " It 's a Wednesday and lunch is always slow , so what are you bitching about ? " Darryl said , raising his voice , his good mood from the walk vanishing in an instant . " Quit being such a drama queen and get ready for service . " He walked to the server 's station . " You 'll need more napkins folded , and make sure all the tables are ready . " Darryl glared at the tall , almost elegant young man . The customers loved him and he was a great server , but his attitude sucked . " You 're not going to slough off the work on someone else so you can make all the tips . " Fuck , he was adorable when he did that . And if Darryl hadn 't already experienced a Sebastian tantrum at least once a week for the past three months , he might have been tempted to take the man home and fuck him within an inch of his life . Darryl had no doubt Sebastian was very talented , if even half of what he said was true , but it just wasn 't worth the aggravation . " Then you 'd better get the table set up and ready . " He checked his watch . " We open in less than an hour , and you 're going to move your ass . " Darryl looked down his nose . " That is , if you want a shot as the front - of - house manager . " Without another word , Darryl walked through the dining room , looking at everything as he did , checking that the tables were straight , floors clean , even that the pictures on the wall weren 't crooked , before entering the kitchen , his domain . " What 'd he do now ? " Darryl asked as he took off his shirt and shrugged into his chef 's coat before getting to work making the sauces and turning on the grill . He had a lot to do in an hour . Checking that the fryers were clean , he turned them on to get up to temperature . He heard the kitchen door open and close . " Morning , Kelly , " he said without looking up . " Morning , Darryl . " She got her coat on and went right to work . " I 'll get the fries cut and precooked . I made curry ketchup and the mayonnaise last night just before I left , so we should be good . " " Wonderful . " Sometimes he wondered what he 'd do without her . He gave his prep cook a smile , then turned his attention to Maureen . " You gonna tell me what 's eating you or make me guess ? " " He " - she tilted her head toward the dining room - " tried to sweet - talk me into filling the salt and peppers for him . Seems he forgot to do it at the end of his last shift , and when I told him no , he got all pissy . Damn queen . " Darryl glanced up and saw her shake her head . " If he wasn 't otherwise good at his job , I 'd kick his ass into traffic . " " I know , " Darryl said . He continued working , wishing Sebastian would show the rest of the staff the same courtesy he showed the customers . The kid was like a switch , throwing himself on " happy " whenever he smelled a tip . But Sebastian was no match for Maureen . The woman might be small and slight , but she didn 't take crap from anyone . She 'd been Darryl 's best friend for years . Maureen had worked at the bakery that supplied the desserts to the first restaurant he 'd worked in all those years ago , and when he decided to open Café Belgie , there was no one else he 'd wanted making his desserts , particularly since she had the flair to make authentic European - style desserts that complemented his food . " There are times I want to wring his neck " - Darryl looked up at his kitchen staff - " but if he 'd tone it down just a bit , he 'd be fantastic . " Darryl knew it was true , he just wasn 't sure Sebastian was capable of doing it . That was what the young man needed to prove to him as well as to the rest of the staff . " Are you really considering giving him the front of the house ? " Kelly asked as she fed potatoes through the cutter while the first batch was cooking . They were known for their traditional pommes frites ; anywhere else they might have been called French fries , but not in Darryl 's restaurant ! They were cooked twice - once to cook them through and once to crisp them - and nobody , including Darryl , could do it as well as Kelly . The kitchen got silent as the other two stopped moving . " Are you kidding ? " Maureen asked as she went back to filling chocolate cylinders with mint mousse . " You want us to decide ? " " We 'll all decide . " Darryl had just hit on this idea , and it just might get Sebastian to change his attitude . " You can feel free to let him know that as well . " The sound of another screech from out front made all of them laugh , and Maureen set down her pastry bag . With a smile of sheer delight , she left the kitchen to have a talk with Sebastian . The door swung outward and then back in , and Darryl heard a " What ! ? " at the top of Sebastian 's lungs . The door settled to a close before banging open , hitting the stops and swinging back toward a glaring Sebastian , who dodged it easily . " You 're letting them . . . you 're not serious ? " " Of course I am , so drop the diva act and step up . " Darryl checked his watch . " We open in fifteen minutes , so make sure you 're ready . " Darryl almost laughed when he saw the pout again , followed by a tilt of the head . " Flirting won 't help , either . It 's time you put up or shut up . " Darryl glared at him and saw Sebastian 's face firm and his back straighten . " You need to prove you can do the job . " Letting his expression soften , Darryl stepped from behind the line to where Sebastian stood near the doors . " I know you 've got what it takes , you just have to prove it to all of us . " Sebastian looked at him , and then his eyes traveled to Kelly and Maureen , who , to their credit , looked serious and businesslike , even though Darryl knew they were both delighted as hell that they had something that would keep Sebastian in line , if only for a while . " I will , Darryl . " With nothing more , Sebastian turned and left the kitchen . Just before opening , Darryl made one final inspection of the dining room . Every table looked perfect . Utensils and glasses set , menus ready , and the vases filled with fresh flowers . It looked great - up to the standards he set . " You ready ? " he asked Sebastian , before propping the door open and putting out the specials board . Walking back through the restaurant , he turned and saw the first customers already walking in and sitting down . The lunch service was unexpectedly busy , to say the least . The kitchen filled with the sounds of work : orders being called , questions answered over the sounds of cooking , and banging dishes . To the uninitiated it might look and sound like complete chaos , but to Darryl and his staff , it was nearly as graceful as a ballet . " That 's the last order , " Sebastian called as he stuck his head inside , and Darryl could hear his server 's breathlessness . The few times he 'd had a second to peek , he 'd seen the customers running Sebastian ragged . Leaving Kelly to finish the last order , he walked out front and saw Carter , one of the bussers , clearing the tables as Sebastian helped him . The dishwashing area would be busy for another hour , but everything had gone well . Darryl smiled . " I think so , yes . " Sebastian looked shocked , and Darryl let his smile increase . Maybe he could turn this into a lesson . " See , you get what you want when you ask , not shout . " Darryl let his smile fall . " I didn 't say that . But training and managing wait staff , bussers , and even the dish room are all part of the job . " Darryl softened his face . " You did good today , but waiting tables is what you know . Let 's see how you learn new things . " The front door opened , and more patrons entered . Darryl cut the conversation short and returned to the kitchen . " I 'm heading out , " Maureen called as she gathered her things . " The desserts for tonight are all set , and you just need to sauce and plate them . " Maureen opened the cooler door , the smell of mint wafting out as she showed him the trays of dessert and the squeeze bottles of sauce . " Flattery will get you everywhere . " She closed the cooler door and smacked his shoulder . " Get out of here for a while and enjoy the sun , " she called as she hurried out the back door . " Yeah , boss , " Kelly piped up with a smile . " I can handle things for a while . I just have to finish the orders for that last table . " Darryl knew she 'd been itching to show him that she could do more . After taking a peek to make sure there weren 't many people out front , he turned back to her . " Okay . The show 's yours . " He noted her smile . " But call me if you have any problems . I won 't be too long . " She agreed , and he left the kitchen , walking through the dining room , out the front door , and into the spring sunshine . He needed this desperately ; so many of his days were spent inside , arriving before the sun was up and leaving long after dark . The restaurant required long hours , but he loved it . Turning around , he looked up at his baby . The brick looked clean , and the windows sparkled . Sitting down on the bench in front , he turned so he could watch people walking along the sidewalk . He waved at the man from the men 's clothing store who was also taking a break , enjoying the sunshine . Darryl thought he was going to come and say hello , but a young man entered his store , and Darryl watched as he followed . A few minutes later , the young man walked out again and walked into the next store , coming out again a few minutes later and repeating the process . Again and again , the man walked from business to business , and as he got closer , Darryl saw his face fall a little more each time . He must be looking for a job , and Darryl knew that in this market , they were hard to come by . As the man got closer , Darryl could see that he was younger than he 'd thought , and he knew that eventually it would be his turn to be asked . Sure enough , a few minutes later , he saw the young man walk past him and go into the restaurant . He really was young , but Darryl had to admire his determination . He came out a minute later and walked over to him . " Sir , the man inside said I needed to talk to you . " The voice was soft and rhythmic , and damn young . " I 'm looking for a job , and the man inside said you might be hiring . " The hopeful look in his deep eyes tugged at Darryl 's heart . " We might . " Darryl looked the young man in the eye and felt as though he 'd been punched in the gut at the jolt that went through him . " What experience have you had ? " " Not much , I 'm afraid . " Darryl saw him shuffle from foot to foot . " We moved here a few months ago , and I need a job real bad . I 'll work hard , real hard . " The earnestness in his voice caught Darryl 's attention , even as the eyes bored into him with a pleading look . " I 'll do anything you need , wash dishes , sweep floors , clean tables . " " I can do that . I 'm a fast learner ! " His eyes brightened , and he bounced slightly on the balls of his feet . " All I need is a chance . " God , the energy and excitement were catching , and the kid 's enthusiasm was encouraging . " Okay . I 'll give you a chance . " Hell , enthusiasm and energy had to count for something . " Come inside and you can fill out an application . " Darryl stood up and the kid followed him like a happy puppy , his feet barely touching the ground . Darryl felt eyes on him and turned around . " By the way , how old are you ? " He went right to his small office off the kitchen , fishing through the files for the proper forms . " Fill these out , and I 'll need to see your identification and social security card . " Darryl handed him the forms and the kid 's hand shook , he had so much excited energy . " Everybody calls me Billy . " He looked up and a smile split his face , radiating through the room . Damn , the kid was adorable , and as Darryl watched , he leaned forward in the chair and shrugged off his jacket . Long black hair flowed from beneath it , shimmering in waves to his shoulders . If he were a girl , he could have been a supermodel . The man was stunning with that long hair , big eyes , and lips . . . . Darryl dragged his eyes away and concentrated on the forms that Billy handed him . " I 'm Darryl Hansen . " He held out his hand , figuring introductions were in order . " I 'm the owner and chef . " He glanced at the form . " And you 're Billy Weaver . " Darryl checked over the form , and everything looked in order . Checking over his identification , Darryl smiled . " We 'll try you out tomorrow during lunch . Be here at ten and I 'll introduce you to Sebastian . He 'll show you around , and you 'll work with him for a few days until you get a feel for how we do things . " Billy grasped Darryl 's hand , breaking into another smile as he pumped it vigorously . " Thank you . I won 't let you down . I promise . " Billy grabbed his worn jacket and turned around , treating Darryl to a peek at the kid 's stunning backside . " I 'll see you tomorrow , Mr . Hansen . " " Darryl ! " Hearing his name , he turned to Kelly , who was standing in his doorway . " Geez , where were you ? " She didn 't wait for an answer , putting a plate in front of him before plopping into the only other chair . " I think we 're done for a while , so I made you something to eat . " Darryl barely heard her , his mind still on the kid - er , Billy . " Earth to Darryl , are you there ? " " I made it for you . Tell me what you think . " Kelly looked pleased as Darryl examined the plate . The presentation was good , and he sniffed at the food . The aroma was enticing without being overpowering . Picking up the utensils , he cut a bite and tasted it . " Very nice . A variation on veal Milanese . " The breading was crisp but not too heavy , thin with a nice mouth - feel . " Yes , except I breaded it , and instead of frying it , I sautéed it in a very little oil to keep it lighter . " Kelly watched as he cut off another bite . Popping it into his mouth , he let the flavor run free . " Do you like it ? " " Yes . We 'll need to refine the process , but this could definitely work on the menu as a special . Let 's talk about it tomorrow ; you can think about what you 'd like to serve with it . " Kelly practically squealed with delight as she hopped out of the chair , and Darryl smiled as he continued eating , his mind returning unbidden to a vision of Billy . Jesus , he needed to stop that . Yes , the kid fascinated him . He had energy and was absolutely adorable , but he was way too young . And besides , Darryl had a hard and fast rule : he never dated anyone he worked with . He was the boss , and that could open a kettle of worms he wasn 't interested in exploring . But damn , the kid seemed to push all his buttons . " Maybe it 's just been too long , " he muttered to himself . Darryl tried to remember the last time he 'd spent time with anyone and he realized he couldn 't . " Fuck , it 's been forever since I had any kind of sex that didn 't involve my right hand . " He heard a soft knock and looked up to find himself looking again into Billy 's big , expressive eyes . " I forgot to ask how I should dress . " Billy looked nervous , and from the look of the clothes he was wearing , Darryl surmised that he probably didn 't have much . Again , Darryl watched him go and had to remind himself of his rule . The kid looked so young and innocent . Darryl usually liked his men more experienced , but there was something about Billy that got his attention , and it scared the fuck out of him . Shaking his head , he forced himself to finish his lunch . Nothing was going to happen , no way , no how . Besides , Sebastian was going to train him , and Darryl intended to keep as far away from the kid as possible . His first job had been in a kitchen with a very talented chef who had dated all the women who worked for him . What a mess that had been for everyone . No , he wouldn 't put himself in that position , even for a man as attractive as Billy . Jesus , I 'm doing it again . Finishing his lunch , he took the plate to the dish room and got to work . That would take his mind off that bright smile , radiant hair , and tiny , tight butt . " Jesus Christ ! " He swore at himself . SEBASTIAN hated going in to work when it was dark , because that meant it would be dark when he left as well . Not that there was anything unusual about that - it was a fact of life with his job - but it was the one thing he didn 't like about it . Restaurant hours were horrendous . Whenever everyone else was off for a holiday or on weekends , that 's when the business was best , so that was when you worked . Not that he really minded . Sure , it would be nice to have one of those nine - to - five jobs , but he was good at what he did , and Café Belgie was successful in part because of what he did , or at least he 'd like to think so . Shivering slightly in the early morning air , Sebastian pulled his jacket a little tighter around him as he pressed the button to activate the walk signal at the square in Carlisle , Pennsylvania , a chilly autumn breeze blowing and rustling the leaves at his feet . Cars and trucks zipped by even at this hour , and Sebastian looked around to make sure everything was okay . The light finally changed , all traffic coming to a stop , and Sebastian crossed the intersection diagonally , walking briskly across the street and then down the sidewalk to the front door of the restaurant . Inserting his key , he opened the door and stepped inside , making sure not to track dirt inside with him or else he 'd have to clean the rug , and today he didn 't need any extra work , much less work he 'd made for himself . Closing the door behind him , he threw the lock and carefully weaved his way around the tables , already set for lunch , toward the back where he flipped a single switch to turn on a few lights . He was rarely the first person to arrive , but it appeared that this morning he was . Knowing what to do , he walked into the kitchen , turning on the lights before opening the back door and getting to work . Today was Friday and they were going to be swamped , especially with the colder fall weather and the holiday season just around the corner . Walking into the dishroom , Sebastian got tubs of clean flatware and grabbed some napkins that needed folding . There was plenty to do , and he needed to get it done . " I noticed last night that we 're almost out of everything out here , and I didn 't want to stay last night . I was too tired , so I came in a little early this morning , " Sebastian told her as he continued folding the napkins . " Besides , with Billy and Darryl on vacation , I want everything to go well . " Kelly grinned . " This wouldn 't have anything to do with the fact that Darryl entrusted you to run things while he was gone ? " She winked at him before laughing . " You 're going to do a great job , " she encouraged . " What do you think ? " He held up one of the napkins for her to see . " I thought I 'd try a new fold . I found it on the Internet . " Kelly smiled as she looked at it . " Nice , sort of fluted like the wine glasses . " Kelly slipped off the jacket she wore over her white chef 's uniform . " I 'm going to start some coffee . I 'll holler when it 's ready . " " Thanks , " Sebastian answered , needing coffee to wake himself up at this hour of the morning . Kelly brought him a mug a few minutes later , setting it on the table as he finished folding the napkins , replacing the ones on the table with the fresh ones before refolding those and placing them in the bin behind the serving station along with the extra flatware . Picking up his mug , he sipped it before looking behind the bar to make sure everything was full and set there , then checking the rest of his morning items off his list . Once everything appeared ready , he walked into the kitchen . Maureen had arrived at some point , getting her desserts together before they would open the doors for lunch . This afternoon , she 'd be Kelly 's sous chef during the lunch service . Darryl 's vacation meant that everyone in the kitchen needed to double up and help out . Sebastian was doing the same thing out front , but they could do this . It wasn 't often that Darryl and Billy went on vacation , and they both deserved it , so Sebastian intended for everything to run as smoothly as possible while they were gone . The servers began trickling in an hour before opening , and Sebastian put them to work making sure everything was sparkling clean and ready for opening . " Hey , Peter , " Sebastian said as the young man finished sweeping beneath the table , " check in the kitchen to see if they need any help . We 're ready out here . " Lunch went smoothly , to Sebastian 's relief , and he spent part of the afternoon getting the dining room ready for dinner as well as preparing the records that Darryl had shown him . " I 'm going to the bank for a few minutes , " he told Kelly and Maureen . " I 'm taking Peter with me . We won 't be gone long . " " I love this time of year , " Peter commented . " The sun is still warm , but it 's not all sticky and hot . " Leaves rained down from the trees as the bright sun warmed the air . It was a great time of year . The only thing Sebastian hated about it was that it portended the coming of winter , with its slush , snow , and cold . Peter shook his head with a smile . " That 's one of the beauties of going away to college - no yard chores . My little brother has to do the raking now , " he said with a grin as they crossed the street , turning the corner before stepping into the bank . " Thanks , Peter . I 'll see you back at the restaurant , " Sebastian told his companion , and Peter hurried back down the sidewalk while Sebastian got in the teller line . It took awhile , but he made the deposit and got the change they needed before heading back . It was truly a gorgeous day , and he hated going back inside , so he took a few extra minutes on the sidewalk , breathing the fresh air before walking inside and getting back to work . The afternoon was quiet as they got the dining room ready for the dinner service . Customers trickled in all afternoon , keeping them reasonably busy , but by the time the dinner service was ready to start , the restaurant was clean and ready . They were nearly booked solid , and the customers kept Sebastian and the servers busy for hours . Sebastian was never so happy as when he checked his watch and saw it was already nine o ' clock . He felt sweaty and exhausted . Walking to the front to lock the doors , the last customers lingering , servers already cleaning up , he saw a man in a hooded sweatshirt hurrying in , and Sebastian approached him to see if he wanted a table . Instead , the man pulled a knife , and Sebastian backed away . " Where 's the cash ? " " Don 't move , " the man growled , grabbing Sebastian 's arm , nails digging into his skin , dragging him toward the register . Sebastian opened the drawer and backed away while the man grabbed the larger bills from the drawer . " Is that all ? " the man asked , voice rushed and throaty . Sebastian nodded slowly , and the man let him go , hurrying back toward the restaurant door . Sebastian didn 't move , hoping no one else did , either . Darryl had told everyone if they were ever robbed to let them have the money . Watching the man go , Sebastian tried to memorize any details he could . As the thief reached the front door , it seemed to open for him , and then he seemed to fly through the air , and Sebastian heard a loud thunk . " Call the police , " Sebastian told the nearest server , not even stopping to see who it was before hurrying to the door . Sebastian saw the sweatshirted man lying on the sidewalk with another man kneeling near him . " That man robbed us , " Sebastian said , pointing , and the other man immediately backed away . " We 've called the police , " Sebastian explained as sirens could already be heard , getting louder and louder . The thief started to move , and as Sebastian backed away further , the other man scrambled to his feet , and Sebastian 's eyes widened as the man towered over him . The sirens got closer , and Sebastian backed further away as the man on the ground began to move , groaning more loudly . Police officers hurried up the sidewalk , and Sebastian backed up even further . Sebastian froze and began explaining . " That man robbed the restaurant , " Sebastian exclaimed as the man on the ground actually tried to get on his feet . One of the officers forced him back onto the ground and cuffed him while the second walked to where Sebastian and the other man stood watching . " It 's okay , sir , just take your time . He 's not going anywhere , " the police officer said before turning to the other officer . " Did you find a knife ? " " Yeah , already secured it , and I found the money as well . Backup 's on the way too , " he added before tugging the guy to his feet , helping him into the back of the police car , none too gently . Another car arrived , as did a third . " If you gentlemen could step inside , I 'll be with you in a few minutes , " the police officer told them , and Sebastian nodded , now feeling the cold . Opening the door , he held it for the other man , who walked inside . Sebastian noticed that he had to duck slightly so he wouldn 't hit his head on the overhead door closer . The dining room still had a few customers lingering at their tables , watching the happenings outside . " Would you like anything ? " Sebastian asked when the man had settled at a table . The tall man smiled , his face changing instantly from ordinary to incredible . " That 's not necessary , " he answered , looking over the menu . " Can I have the steak frites , medium , and a cup of coffee ? " " No problem . I 'll be right back . " Sebastian hurried to Jane , who was clearing a table . " Bring a cup of coffee to the gentleman near the door . " She nodded , and Sebastian hurried to the kitchen . " Kelly , I need a steak frites , medium . " " We were robbed , " he answered , heaving a deep breath to try to calm himself . " The police have the guy , thanks to a customer . " Sebastian forced himself to slow down . " That 's his order , by the way , and could I get one of the special salads too ? Oh , and set aside one of Maureen 's mousses for him . " Excitement coursed through him , and he tamped it down , regulating his breathing . " Yeah . " He gave Kelly the abbreviated version as she finished the salad . " He tripped the guy or something , and the robber hit his head on a parked car . There was a dent this big in it , " Sebastian said , demonstrating with his hands before picking up the salad . " I 'll probably need to meet with the police because I saw the guy . " " Thanks , Kelly , you 're the best . " Leaving the kitchen , he carried the salad to the table , where a police officer was seated along with the tall man . Sebastian set the salad in front of the man before asking the police officer if he 'd like anything . " You did the right thing , sir , " the officer said . " Just give them the money and call the police . Your life isn 't worth a few dollars . " The officer consulted his notes . " We 've had a few of these snatch - and - grab - type robberies in the last few weeks , and I 'm hoping we 've got our culprit , " the officer said before asking for Sebastian 's name , phone number , and address , as well as the address and phone number of the restaurant . Kelly joined them at the table with the steak frites , placing the plate on the table , along with the mousse , and thanking the man for his help before returning to the kitchen . " Thank you both , " the officer said , pushing his chair back . " I 'll be in touch in the next few days . We 've got the money he stole and should be able to get it back to you in the next few days . I 'll drop by a receipt for it tomorrow . " Sebastian stood up as well , shaking the officer 's hand . " Thank you for all your help , " Sebastian said , walking the officer to the door , then closing and locking it behind him before returning to the table . " Is everything okay ? " The tall man swallowed before answering . " It 's perfect , thank you . You really didn 't need to do all this , " he said again , setting his utensils on the plate before taking a sip of his coffee . " I really didn 't do anything except trip over my own feet and manage to unbalance him as well . The car he hit his head against did the rest . " The man smiled again , chuckling lightly . " There are some things in this world that were definitely not designed for someone as tall as me . Like doorways , " he added , his smile brightening . " Robert Fortier , " the tall man said as he extended his hand , and Sebastian shook it . " It 's nice to meet you , Sebastian , and thank you for the terrific meal . It really wasn 't necessary , but most appreciated . " " Yes , it is , actually . I 've heard wonderful things about the restaurant , but never had a chance to stop in before tonight . " Robert finished his dinner and pushed the plate back before reaching for the cup of mousse . " I usually don 't eat dessert , " he added before taking a bite , sighing softly . " I know . Maureen , our pastry chef , makes the most incredible desserts . This is one of her specialties , " Sebastian said proudly . He wasn 't the chef or the owner , but he was proud of Café Belgie and not ashamed to show it . Finishing his coffee as Robert finished his mousse , Sebastian pushed his chair back , standing up before picking up the dishes . " I 'll be right back . Would you like any more coffee ? " Sebastian asked . " Of course . I 'll be right back . " Sebastian left the table , carrying the dishes to the dishroom , where the cleanup for the night was nearly complete . Returning through the kitchen , Sebastian smiled at Kelly as he passed by , seeing that she , too , was almost done for the night . " Of course . I 'll lock up . See you tomorrow afternoon , " Sebastian said as he waved before leaving the kitchen , grabbing the decaf coffee carafe on his way to the table . " I have a few minutes , " Sebastian answered , refilling his own cup before letting people out the front door , locking it behind them again . Sitting back at the table , he sipped his coffee while Robert did the same . Now that he got a good look , the man was really quite attractive . Medium - length , wavy auburn hair brushed his shirt collar , and he had bright blue eyes , nice lips , and a pleasant face . For a second Sebastian couldn 't figure out why he hadn 't found Robert attractive right away . Then his eyes shifted to his clothes . They hung on the man like they were two sizes too big . As tall as he was , it must be very difficult finding clothes that truly fit . " So what do you do ? " Sebastian asked , lifting his cup to his lips . Sebastian let his eyes scan the room once more . " Since we opened a few years ago . I was one of Darryl 's first hires . He 's the chef and the owner . Anyway , I was one of his first employees , and he made me front - of - the - house manager about a year ago . I run everything outside the kitchen , and he runs the kitchen and the business . His partner , Billy , is one of the waiters , as well . In fact , he 's probably our best waiter . " Sebastian saw Robert go a little pale . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to make you uncomfortable . " Robert set his cup on the saucer . " You didn 't . It 's just that I didn 't expect to find people so open like that in Central Pennsylvania . Maybe in Philly or Pittsburgh , but not here . " " Yes , I have a small house on Louther Street , just a few blocks from here . " Robert looked at him quizzically like he was trying to size Sebastian up or something , but then the look dissipated , and Robert picked up his cup again , drinking the last of his coffee . " I should let you go home . It 's getting late , and I 'm keeping you from leaving . " Robert stood up and put his napkin on the table . " It was nice to meet you , Robert , and thank you so much for your help tonight . We really appreciate it . " Sebastian extended his hand , and Robert shook it firmly . " It was no problem , I assure you , " Robert said with a self - deprecating smile as he walked toward the front door . Sebastian unlocked it and held the door for Robert as he left . Closing it behind him , Sebastian smiled as Robert shrugged on his coat , walking down the sidewalk . Without appearing to , Sebastian watched out of the corner of his eye , and sure enough he saw Robert turn to look at him just before he disappeared from view . Smiling to himself at the confirmation of his hunch , Sebastian walked through the restaurant , making sure the register was closed and everything put in the safe before turning out the lights . Leaving by the front door , he turned the key in the lock and began his short walk . HOME was a row house on Pomfret Street , one of the oldest streets in town . It had been his parents ' house , and when they passed away , he couldn 't bear to sell it , so he 'd stayed . On his days off , he worked on the old place trying to get it fixed up . There was one certainty when you owned a house approaching two hundred years old - you always had plenty to do . But he loved living there , and his mom , who had been a lover of antiques , had insisted the house be furnished with antiques from the period the house was built . She and Sebastian 's dad had collected pieces the entire time they were married , and the house was beautifully decorated . Unlocking the front door , Sebastian walked into his entrance hall with the case clock his mother had purchased and his father had lovingly restored as a present for their thirtieth wedding anniversary , picking up the mail from the floor . After setting his keys in the bowl on the small stand , he walked through to the dining room with its large Empire sideboard . Hanging his coat over the back of one of the chairs , Sebastian thumbed through the mail , setting aside what he didn 't want before picking up the small local newspaper he 'd taken inside that morning . Taking it with him , he walked through the rooms to the very back of the house , where a small sitting room had been added on years ago . His mom had lovingly restored much of the house over the years , but this room and the kitchen and baths were modern , thanks to his dad . Turning on the light , Sebastian sat in his big , comfortable chair , put his feet on the ottoman , and opened the paper . He loved this time of day . Sebastian knew most people thought he was a little flamboyant and a party boy , but in actuality he led quite a quiet life . Thumbing through the paper , he didn 't see anything of interest and was about to throw it away when a picture caught his eye . Looking at it again , his eyes widened , and he began to read the article . " Well , I 'll be damned , " Sebastian said with a smile , shaking his head slowly . The title read , " Cumberland County 's Newest Judge , " and beneath the headline was a picture of Robert Fortier . Sebastian read the entire article with a smile on his face before putting the paper aside and turning on the television . He tried to watch the program , but found himself picking up the newspaper again and again to look at the picture of Robert . The man had been nice , really nice , and it had been a long time since Sebastian had met someone like that . When he first started working at the restaurant , he 'd developed sort of a crush on Darryl , but those feelings weren 't returned , no matter how much Sebastian had tried to catch Darryl 's interest . Turning off the television , Sebastian clicked off the lights before heading through the house and upstairs to his bedroom . Who knew ? Sebastian didn 't want to get his hopes up , but Carlisle was a small town ; he 'd probably run into Robert again . Heck , he hoped he did . After getting cleaned up , Sebastian climbed beneath the covers before turning out his light . He tried his best not to think about Robert … too much . " DO YOU think you 'll have the time to call on a potential new client today ? " Annette asked through the speakerphone as Peter ate his breakfast cereal . " Jerry 's been trying to get Café Belgie 's business for almost a year now , and they actually gave him a call . He figures he 'll only get this one chance , and it would make his day if we could get them as clients . He might even be willing to cough up a bonus . " Peter coughed and nearly sprayed half - chewed Grapenuts all over his table before he managed to swallow . " Pigs don 't fly , " Peter replied with laughter , and he heard Annette 's devious laugh through the speaker . " He 's the cheapest bastard I know , and that 's probably why he already has more money than I 'll ever see in my lifetime . " " Me too , " Annette chimed in . Picking on Jerry was a pastime for both of them , and Jerry sometimes made it so easy . " So I can tell Jerry you 'll do it ? " " Sure . Could you call and reschedule some of my morning appointments ? Tell Jerry I 'll stop by Café Belgie late this morning , and remind him that he owes me . And you too , for that matter . " " I won 't let him forget , " Annette told him , and Peter had no doubt Annette would hold this favor over Jerry until he coughed up something , maybe even a lung . That woman was tenacious in the best way possible as far as Peter was concerned . " Have a good day and be careful . They 're calling for heavy rain today . " Annette hung up , and Peter pressed the disconnect button on the phone . He finished his breakfast , placing his silverware and glass in the bowl before setting it on his lap and wheeling himself over to the sink . After rinsing the items off , Peter placed them in the dishwasher , looking around the room to make sure everything was clean . Once he was satisfied he hadn 't forgotten anything , Peter wheeled himself to his bedroom and over to the closet , where he picked out a dress shirt and tie . Peter had learned a while ago not to put his shirt on before breakfast . He had a habit of spilling on it or getting it wet when he leaned over to work at the sink . Since it was summer and humid as all get - out , he decided to forego a jacket , and after checking himself in the mirror , he left the bedroom . Peter double - checked that he had all his client information in his bag and fastened it onto his chair . Gliding through the ranch - style house , Peter made sure everything was locked up before wheeling himself to the back door and out into his garage . Locking the door behind him , he carefully made his way down the short ramp to the driver 's side of his car . Peter opened his car door , getting his chair into position so he could slide into the driver 's seat . Over the years , he 'd gotten very good at taking care of himself , and after he was in place , Peter folded up the chair , maneuvering it behind his seat . He pressed a button and the back door closed . Peter pulled his own door closed before pressing the button to open the garage door and backing the car out . Rain pelted the windshield as soon as he cleared the garage , and Peter groaned at the thought of getting around in this downpour , but it couldn 't be helped . Reaching up to the visor , Peter pressed the button to lower the garage door and drove to his first appointment . Thankfully they had an awning out front , and Peter was able to get inside without getting too wet . After meeting with the restaurant owner , Peter left with a good - sized order for all - new fine restaurant china and flatware . " Thank you , " Peter said at the doorway of the restaurant , shaking the restaurateur 's hand . " Call me if you need anything , and I 'll stop by in a few months otherwise . " " Of course , " Ian said with a smile and sparkling eyes . Peter knew Ian was gay , and he tried not to let himself read anything into the expression . The man was drop - dead gorgeous . Ian 's Pastiche restaurant had been a good customer for Peter ever since he 'd gotten this job three years ago , and if the truth be known , Peter had had a slight crush on the man since he 'd first met him . However , their relationship was strictly professional . Once , about a year ago , Peter had tried to move their relationship to a more personal level , but Ian had shown no interest . Peter had gotten used to that . But just because he was in a wheelchair , that did not mean everything below the waist had stopped working . Peter had found out quickly after his accident that very few people he met ever looked beyond the wheelchair to actually see him , and those who did , never seemed to think of him in any sort of sexual way or as someone they might consider a relationship with . Not that Peter could necessarily blame them . Building a life with someone who couldn 't walk would be a difficult proposition for most people . Hell , it had been a difficult proposition for Peter when he 'd first found out he would never walk again . But he was a survivor , and he made the best of his situation . The rain began again as he got close to the historic town , and by the time he parked in front of the Belgian restaurant , the rain was coming down in sheets . Peter decided to wait it out . Reaching around the seat , he pulled his bag onto his lap and began doing paperwork until the air in the car got so steamy he couldn 't stand it anymore . Thankfully , the rain appeared to let up again , and Peter used what was probably only a temporary respite to get himself out of the car and down to the street corner where there was a ramp so he could get onto the sidewalk . The sky opened up as Peter made his way down the uneven sidewalk . He picked up his pace so he wouldn 't get totally soaked . Looking up , he saw a man hurrying in his direction carrying a huge umbrella . To Peter 's relief , he stopped next to him . " Let me help you , " the man said , and to Peter 's surprise , he didn 't try to take control of the chair the way most people did . Instead , he stood next to Peter and held the umbrella over both of them . " Are you Peter from Gold Restaurant Supply ? Darryl said you were coming and asked me to watch for you because you were in a wheelchair . " The man gasped and clamped his hand over his mouth . " Sorry . " " Most people don 't talk about my chair . But then , most people ignore the chair and me along with it . So don 't be embarrassed , and you weren 't impolite . " Peter smiled before continuing toward the front door of the restaurant . The man opened the door , and Peter wheeled himself inside the restaurant , pleased to be out of the rain . As he always did when he entered a new restaurant , Peter took in the surroundings so he could get an idea of what they might need . But Café Belgie had Peter stumped . Every table was impeccably set with bright , clean tablecloths . The dishes he could see looked nearly new , and even the floors were clean enough to eat off of . " Are you Peter ? " A tall man in a chef 's uniform came out of the kitchen , crossing the dining room in huge strides . " I 'm Darryl Hansen . " " Thanks , " Darryl said with a smile . " You have to be wondering why we called you . " Darryl motioned Peter to a table in back , and Peter noticed that one of the chairs had been removed . Peter took that place , and Darryl took one of the other places while the man who 'd helped him with the umbrella sat across from him . " Before I forget , this is Russell Baker . He 's going to be the chef of our new restaurant . " " I have half an hour before we open for lunch , so if it 's okay , I 'd like to get right to business , " Darryl prompted . " I called you because Jerry has been pestering me for a year to give his company a try . We 're opening a new restaurant on Pomfret Street here in town , and the quote I got from our usual supplier was astronomical , so I decided to see if you could do better for us . " " I 'll certainly try , " Peter said , turning around to pull his bag off the handles of the chair . " What sort of restaurant are you opening ? Do you need the standard equipment or something special ? " " My partner , Billy , and I were in Chicago a few months ago and found all of these small restaurants and stands selling gyros and other Greek food . We loved them , and when we got back , he tried to find a place like that here , but everyone makes a gyro with preformed patties , which are disgusting . We 've decided to open a Greek restaurant , and Russ is going to be the chef and general manager . " " Exactly . We 'll also have Greek salads , souvlaki , spanakopita , moussaka , and of course baklava . We 've developed and tested the menu here with some of our loyal customers , and we believe we have the recipes down , so now we need an estimate on the equipment as well as installation , " Darryl explained . " The issue is that the space is small , " Russ continued , his voice barely carrying across the table , and for a second Peter wondered how he could survive in a kitchen and be heard over the din . " So we have a tight budget for furnishing the restaurant in order to keep overhead under control . " Russ stood up and moved to the chair next to him , pulling a small notebook out of his pocket . " Here 's a list of the things we feel we 'll need , along with an approximate cost estimate , as well as the space allotted in the kitchen . " Both Darryl and Russ looked appalled . " Absolutely not . The fries will be fresh , " Darryl answered . " It 'll be a variation on the recipe we use here , except with a slight seasoning to give the fries a kick . " Peter nodded and continued looking over the list . " I think I have some ideas for you . I assume you are not opposed to used equipment as long as it 's in good condition and clean . The vertical gyros grills will need to be new , but I believe I can get much of the other equipment for you at a good price . " Peter looked at Darryl and then at Russ . Both men seemed pleased . " I have to get ready for lunch service , " Darryl said as he stood up . " You can work out any details with Russ , and once you have a proposal , the two of you can run it by me for my approval . " Darryl shook his hand and left the dining room . " I 'm pretty excited myself . With a last name like Christopoulos , it would be nice to finally have a place to get good Greek food . Since my mother passed away a few years ago , I haven 't had much good home cooking . Maybe you could try your recipes out on me ? " Where did that come from ? God , am I actually flirting with Russ ? Peter felt like a bit of an idiot and tried not to let it show on his face . For a second he 'd thought that smile on Russ 's face might have been for him , but it was just Russ 's general excitement about the restaurant . He should have known better . No one ever saw him that way . " Would you like to see the restaurant ? " Russ asked , pulling him out of his thoughts . " It 's stopped raining , and that way you could see the space . " Russ sounded so excited that Peter shrugged off his discomfort . " Sure . That would be helpful . Is the location accessible ? " In older towns like Carlisle , some of the stores still had stairs , and while new businesses had to be accessible , some of the older buildings had yet to be converted . " Good . Then I 'll meet you there . " Peter wheeled himself toward the front door as the restaurant was opening for business , and after saying goodbye and thanking the waiter who opened the door for him , Peter glided down the sidewalk and then back up to his car . The clouds were still very low and heavy as he pulled up in front of the building that would house the new restaurant . Peter was almost reluctant to get out of the car , but he was curious , and seeing the kitchen would help him make sure he got the right equipment for his customers . Opening the car door , he transferred himself to the chair as quickly as he could , making his way to the front . Russ opened the door , and Peter glided inside . " As you can see , we still have some work to do out here , but the dining room is beginning to come together , " Russ explained as he led Peter toward the back . " Darryl and Billy brought back pictures of some of the places they ate at , but they were diners with Formica tables and old booths for seating . We wanted to take it upscale just a little and make the food authentic . " Russ held the door , and Peter rolled into what would be the kitchen . " At Café Belgie , the average bill is approximately $ 25 to $ 40 a diner , where here at the Acropolis , we expect the average check to be $ 12 to $ 18 a diner . That 's the reason for the need to keep the overhead low , so we can still keep the food quality where it needs to be . " Peter listened as he looked around the space , envisioning where all the equipment , prep tables , and workstations would be . " Have you been working in restaurants long ? " Peter asked as he continued to build the picture in his mind . " A few years . I started out as a server and then moved into the kitchen as a prep cook before getting promoted to line cook . I 've sort of done it all . Darryl is giving me a chance to do what I 've always wanted , to run an entire restaurant , and I don 't want to let him down . " A crack of thunder brought Peter 's thoughts back to more immediate concerns . " I appreciate you showing me the space , but I should get back to the car before the sky opens up again . I 'll see what I can put together , and I should be in touch with an estimate by the end of the week . " Peter glided through the empty restaurant space , and Russ hurried past him , holding open the front door . Peter wheeled outside to the driver 's door of his car just as the sky opened up like someone had turned on a faucet . Pushing the button on his key , Peter opened the driver 's door and hurried to slide himself into the seat and get his chair in the back before it was completely soaked . " I 'll get the chair for you , " Russ said , and Peter saw him pull his bag off the handles , placing it on the back seat . Peter lifted himself with his arms , transferring himself to the driver 's seat . Lightning flashed and thunder vibrated around him . Peter tried to hurry , and the chair moved from under him . Grabbing for the steering wheel , he got a grip and held on , hanging out of the car , legs he had little control over sliding under the car . He tried to pull himself up , but his legs caught between the car and the curb and Peter couldn 't pull them out . " It 's okay , I have you , " Russ said near his ear , and Peter wanted to close his eyes and die of total embarrassment . Who cared that he was now drenched to the skin , the very thing he was trying to avoid by rushing . Russ 's arms around his waist tugged him up and away from the car . Using his arms , Peter was able to pull himself onto the seat in a sopping wet , mortified mess . " Thank you , " Peter said and turned toward Russ , trying his very best to be gracious rather than doing what he wanted , which was to close the door , drive away , and never see Russ again for as long as he lived . Peter fought a constant battle for his independence , and this only served as a reminder that no matter how much he tried , he was still dependent on others . " Yes , " Peter responded breathlessly . Peter turned toward Russ to thank him again , and he gasped before he could stop himself . " What happened to your arm ? Did I do that ? " Russ 's shirtsleeve had ridden up , and Peter saw black - and - blue marks going up Russ 's arm that looked nasty and painful . That couldn 't have just happened . Russ yanked his sleeve down his arm . " I fell at the house the other day and tried to catch myself . " Russ stepped away from the car . " I 'll talk to you later in the week . " Peter could tell Russ was trying to keep his voice light to cover up something . He knew , because it was the same tone he 'd used in physical therapy when he was hurting like hell and didn 't want the therapist to know . Russ closed Peter 's car door and waved before hurrying into the restaurant . Sopping wet , Peter used the Bluetooth connection in his car to call Annette . " I 'm heading home , " he told her once she answered . " I got caught in the rain , and I 'm soaked . " He left out the totally embarrassing part . " Could you please call my appointments and tell them I 'm running late ? " " I think I can get the business if I can get some good used equipment . I already know we have some of the things they need . " He rattled off the things he could remember . " And I 'll check into the others . I 'll forward the bid tonight , and you can do your magic . They already have a quote from their regular supplier . If we can beat it , the business is ours , and Jerry will completely platz . " At least that made up for squishy underwear . Peter promised he would and hurried home as fast as the weather would allow . Once he arrived , he spent nearly an hour getting out of his wet clothes , drying off , and getting into dry things . He also dried off his wet chair and got on the road again . Thankfully , the rest of his day went better , and by the time he 'd made all his calls , the skies had cleared . Peter decided he needed some exercise , so he stopped at home to change and get a different chair . He drove to the local high school and parked near the running track , getting out his chair - this one sleek and sturdy , custom made for him . Peter slid into it and wheeled himself toward the running surface . Getting into position , he began moving forward , his arms propelling the wheels on the racing chair . As he picked up speed , his chest , shoulders , and back came into play , and he zoomed around the banked oval . The chair was weighted for him and could turn on a dime . As he picked up speed , Peter 's blood raced through his body , heart pumping life through him . After a while , it felt as though he were flying around the oval , arms and chest throbbing , letting him know they were being worked . He passed a runner in a blur and continued moving , staying in one of the middle lanes , out of the way . Peter kept moving , passing a few more runners and staying in the groove . Breathing through his nose and mouth , he reveled in the exercise , trying not to think about how he 'd been before a drunk driver changed his life forever . But that was a while ago , and Peter pushed it away . It wasn 't hard , not out here in the evening air , passing runners like they were standing still . Twenty minutes , half an hour , forty - five minutes , each milestone passed with a small beep of his watch . Once he reached his goal , he slowed but continued moving to cool off . " Hey , dude , that was cool , " one of the runners called as he caught up with Peter , running as Peter kept pace with them . " I 'd say you were . You looked like you were flying , " Russ told him , and as Peter slowed , he noticed that Russ did as well , the other guys getting ahead of them . " When I saw you , I wanted to make sure you were okay . I didn 't hurt your legs , did I ? " Peter shook his head . " I have a slight bruise , not from you , but nothing worse than that . It 'll heal in time , but I have to keep an eye on it . How 's your arm ? Does it hurt ? " Peter noticed that Russ was wearing a pressure bandage on each arm to cover his wrists . " Almost , " he answered before turning back to Peter . " I 'll talk to you later in the week , and I think you 're good enough to compete . " Russ smiled before turning and walking toward the man who Peter assumed was Barry . The large man looked impatient , and as Russ approached , Barry hustled him toward a white Corvette , where Barry appeared to throw a shirt at Russ , obviously afraid to get the seat of his " compensating for my small penis " sports car dirty . Curious , Peter watched Russ strip off his shirt , and he stifled a gasp at what looked like black - and - blue marks on Russ 's shoulder . " The man 's an asshole , " one of the runners said from behind Peter . " If he got anywhere near me , I 'd shove that Corvette up his ass . " Peter laughed at the other man 's joke and looked away after Russ pulled on the fresh shirt and got into the car . Barry started the engine , revving it as loudly as he could before pulling out , tires squealing . Peter rarely hated someone on sight , but Barry fell into that category . His very demeanor screamed self - righteous , sanctimonious asshole . Well , that was none of Peter 's business . Russ seemed like a really nice guy , but he was taken . Not that he 'd looked at Peter twice . No one seemed to . " You like him , " the kid next to him said . " It 's okay , dude , I like guys too . " Peter turned away from watching where Russ and Barry had left . " Do you know Russ well ? " Why couldn 't he stop thinking about Russ ? He had someone already . " Not really . He runs with us sometimes . The big dude always picks him up and acts like a superior asshole , but Russ is cool , always nice , if a bit quiet . " The kid said goodbye and walked back to where his friends had gathered , still recovering from their run . Peter held up his hand to the group , and they returned the gesture before turning as a group and walking across to the far side of the oval . Peter rolled to his car and drove home . He 'd had a profitable day business - wise , but once again he was coming home to an empty house . After his accident , Peter had lived with his parents , but he could see the burden of taking care of him was falling to his mother . And as her health deteriorated , Peter fought hard and long to become more and more independent . He got a job , bought himself a small house , and moved out on his own . Both his parents worried about him , but Peter needed to be self - sufficient . Before the accident , Peter had been an athlete , a track star with high hopes and dreams . All that ended when he 'd opened his eyes in the hospital , unable to move his legs . Peter hadn 't given up , and he 'd channeled his athletic discipline and drive into his recovery . When it became evident there was no hope for him to walk again , he threw himself into becoming as independent as possible . That independence had come with a price , and living alone seemed to be it . The water felt heavenly , and Peter let it run over him before washing and using the hand - held sprayer to rinse himself . One of the things that had been hardest for him to get used to was the amount of time it took him to do almost everything . Activities he used to take for granted , such as a quick shower , now took time and a great deal of effort to accomplish . But he was doing it on his own , and he kept reminding himself that was a win . Turning off the water , Peter reached for the towel and realized he 'd forgotten to place it on the hook before he got in the shower . Transferring himself back to the wheelchair , he opened the closet door and pulled out two towels and began drying both himself and his chair before moving into his bedroom to dress . He made himself dinner , carrying his plate and utensils to the table on a tray he placed on his lap . As he ate , he began completing the proposal details for the Acropolis . Pushing his plate aside when he was done , Peter retrieved his laptop and began sending order and proposal details to Annette . He 'd just finished when his phone rang . " I 'm okay , " his father answered , sounding down . " I 've been cleaning out more stuff from the house , and I came across some things your mother had wanted you to have . I 'll give them to you when you come over this weekend . " " Okay , " Peter answered , concerned about the way his father sounded . " What 's going on ? " His father had been on a kick to clean out the house lately . Peter knew part of it was his father finally moving on , but he was curious why now . " I 've made some decisions , and I don 't want you to be angry . I 'm going to sell the house and move into assisted living . It 's getting harder for me to keep up with things . Some friends of your mother 's and mine have moved into Luther Manor , and they seem to like it . " His dad sounded unsure , but Peter felt relief more than anything . " That 's good , " Peter told his dad . " You won 't have lawn to mow and a house to take care of . Can you still keep your car ? " " Yes , and I 'll have my own one - bedroom apartment . " The relief in his dad 's voice rang through the line . " I thought you 'd be mad at me for selling your mother 's house . " That was how his dad always thought of the house Peter had grown up in . They hadn 't had a lot of money , but Peter 's mom had worked with her own brand of energy and motherly magic to create a home filled with love . Peter missed her each and every day . " No . I 've already been through most everything , but we can talk about anything you 'd like this weekend . The house will go on the market next month , and I 'm scheduled to move into my apartment in October . " Peter 's head swam . He hadn 't expected his father to move so fast or to do all this without talking it over with him . " Isn 't this kind of sudden ? " Peter swallowed hard , because he didn 't want to come off sounding like a dick . " Kind of . " Peter 's dad sounded unsure again , and Peter cringed ; he knew he had to be positive . " I applied , and they had an unexpected opening , so I took it . " " Good . You 'll be in by winter and won 't have to worry about having snow to shovel or slippery sidewalks . " Yes , this was a bit of a surprise , but it would be good for his dad . Peter had offered to have his dad move in with him , but that had problems of its own . In assisted living , Peter knew there would be people to look after his dad in ways that he couldn 't . Their conversation turned to more normal subjects , and they got caught up with each other . After talking for nearly half an hour , they said good night , and Peter went back to work . Once his paperwork was done , Peter went into the living room and watched television for an hour until it was time for bed . Peter brushed his teeth and went to the bedroom , sliding himself from his chair to the bed . After making sure the chair was in its place , should he need it , Peter turned out the lights , but couldn 't fall asleep . He thought about turning on his small bedroom television to watch his favorite video , but decided against it and instead rolled onto his side . Just because his legs no longer worked , didn 't mean his heart didn 't , or that other parts of his anatomy weren 't just as vital and healthy as the next man 's . But all he 'd had was his hand for three years , and he wanted more . " I 'm tired of being invisible . " Peter couldn 't get comfortable and continued to toss in the bed . Finally , he lifted his body , shoving pillows under his back so he could sit up . Reaching to the nightstand , he grabbed the book he 'd been reading . When he 'd bought it , he hadn 't realized it was a romance , and the ending left him both happy for the characters and sad , because he wanted what they had , but Peter wasn 't sure that was even a possibility for him . MARCUS WILSON closed his jacket around his slight body as he walked through the dark , streetlight - lit streets of Carlisle from his small apartment toward downtown . He drank from his large travel mug of coffee , the same mug he 'd carried along this same route each morning , regardless of the weather , for the past six months . Taking another gulp of the cooling but still potent brew , Marcus tried to stop the yawn that threatened , but couldn 't . It was four o ' clock in the morning , and he was already on his way to work . Everyone else in town was still asleep , the way normal people should be . A car passed him on the street , and Marcus watched it go by . At this time of the morning , in a small town like this , it was unusual for him to see any cars at all . There were times when he wondered why he 'd even bothered to rent the apartment . He was never there , except to shower , shave , and occasionally sleep . Marcus took another swig of his coffee and turned onto Hanover Street , walking past the old courthouse , the tower with its clock all lit up to remind him it was some ungodly hour of the morning . Yawning again , he continued on his way . Even though the sun hadn 't come up yet , Marcus could already tell it was going to be a glorious late - spring day . All the trees he passed were in bloom and smelled sweet and heavenly . He knew by the time he arrived at work , he 'd need to shake the petals off his jacket , but that was as close to seeing the blooms as he was going to get . If he were lucky , he 'd be able to stumble home at seven or eight that evening , take a shower , and fall into bed , only to start the whole process all over again in the morning . Marcus crossed the empty intersection at the square in the center of town and then continued walking north for another block . His store was just around the next corner , tucked in between a small clothing store and a karate studio . A Slice of Heaven had been his dream , and six months ago , he 'd managed to make his dream come true . Now he was beginning to wonder if it wasn 't closer to a nightmare . After unlocking the door , Marcus opened it and went inside , turning on a light as he made his way to the back room . He didn 't have time to think about all his problems right now . There was bread dough to be made and set out to rise , and doughnuts to be made , and , as he checked his book , Marcus thanked the powers that be - who 'd been looking out for him - he had to bake the layers for two wedding cakes to be delivered tomorrow . Granted , that meant he had to make them , but at least it was an order that would bring in a reasonable amount of money . The first thing Marcus did was start mixing the batches of bread dough , beginning with the ones that would need the most time to rise . He also got the oven turned on and heating , because it would take a while to get up to temperature . No one else would be in for at least two hours , and he had a lot to get done . Marcus began measuring the ingredients into a mixing bowl , putting them in the right order so they would mix properly without a lot of extra coaxing from him . Once that was ready , he started the mixing process . For almost an hour , Marcus mixed various types of dough , setting them aside to rise before they could be formed into loaves and prepared for the oven . The ones that took a long time to proof had been made up the night before , and they were now ready to go . He began loading the oven with the loaf pans , spacing them evenly before closing the oven door . Marcus set the timer and then began the next set of tasks , sipping from his mug every once in a while . With the bread underway , Marcus started on the doughnuts . He didn 't make a million varieties , just basic ones , but his were special in that they melted in your mouth . He also made them fresh and never let them get too old . Doughnuts had quickly become one of his best sellers . " Morning , Marcus . I brought you a coffee refill , " she told him happily , like she did every morning . She was an absolute godsend and one of the sweetest people he 'd ever met . " Thank you , " he told her , finishing up the coffee he 'd brought with him and then placing the mug in the sink . " There 's bread ready to go out into the store , and the doughnut batter is all ready for you . " Everyone asked him what his secret ingredient was with the doughnuts , and , truth be told , it was Angie . She knew exactly how to make them perfectly each time . There were certain things that would keep well for a day or so , but most of the items Marcus made were only good for twenty - four hours , so he had to be careful not to make too much . He 'd also learned the rhythm of the business . First thing in the morning , his customers were after doughnuts and bread to take to work . The case needed to look good , though , because those same people would be back at lunch or in the afternoon when their sweet tooth kicked in , but only if they 'd seen something that caught their eye earlier . As it got closer to opening , Marcus checked that everything was okay for the next few minutes and then went out front to begin setting up . The cases he 'd gotten for the store were basically sealed when the doors were closed to help keep his confections and baked goods from drying out . Marcus switched on the display lights and filled the cases with bread , trays of cookies , and a few of the other confectionary delights he 'd made the night before . Marcus had already found a few favorites , like the cinnamon rolls that were just about to come out of the oven , as well as his chocolate brownies and dense chocolate cake . He 'd also found that he always had to have carrot cake , because he sold at least six cakes a day . But with other things , he was still trying things out to see what his customers liked . Once the cases were up to snuff and the items he 'd made the night before were all placed and looking as appealing as possible , Marcus wiped down the café tables and began setting them on the sidewalk in the shade of one of Carlisle 's street trees . He left two tables inside , and once he was sure everything was clean , he hurried back inside just in time to hear his timer going off . " How are the doughnuts coming ? " he asked . " Perfect as usual , " Angie answered . It was his usual question , and her usual answer . Marcus smiled as he pulled the cinnamon rolls out of the oven and set them aside to cool . In a few minutes , he could ice them and bring them out front . " I have the first batch of doughnuts ready for the case , " Angie told him , and Marcus went to where she was working and lifted the neatly arranged tray of doughnuts , then carried it out front , set it in its usual prominent spot on top of the case , and placed the cover over it . There was always a lot of work to do in a short period of time , but that was normal . Marcus had tried coming in even earlier , but it meant that he couldn 't function at the end of the day , so he 'd had to get more efficient in the mornings . At opening time , Angie came out from the back room , looking every bit the bakery storekeeper . " I 'll get us open if you 'll put the coffee on , " Marcus said , and she reluctantly agreed . " I set everything up , so all you need to do is fill the pots with water and start them . " " Thank the Lord . They 'll scream if they can 't have the coffee exactly the way you make it , " Angie told him with a smile , already filling the pots as he hurried to the back . Marcus put the petty cash in the register drawer and carried it out front , where he closed the register and set it up . Checking his watch , he smiled . It was 6 : 29 , and they were ready to open . Marcus turned on all the lights and put out the sandwich board on the sidewalk before walking back inside and looking at his bakery from the perspective of a customer . It looked fresh and inviting , and Marcus had to admit it smelled wonderful too , sweet and warm with a touch of spice . Angie was wiping down the cases the way she always did , and he decided that he should take advantage of what he hoped was a momentary lull and get started on the cake layers he would need . Angie could take care of things for the next hour or so . The only thing that would pull her away would be if she started running low on doughnuts , and then he would switch places with her while she made more . Marcus began weighing out the ingredients he 'd need for his cake orders as he heard the bell on the front door . Marcus had done his training at a large bakery in Philadelphia , and the head baker had drilled into him how to do things as efficiently and cost - effectively as possible . Before he 'd measured out a single ingredient , he already knew what he needed to make for the entire day , and he mixed the batter he needed for everything all at once . He also checked what he already had , making sure to rotate any extra cake layers . " Marcus ? " Angie called quietly from the door . " Will we be able to complete an order for three eight - inch carrot cakes for this afternoon ? She 'd like to pick them up at four . " " Of course , " Marcus answered , " just have her fill out the order sheet , and I 'll have them ready . " Marcus knew Angie didn 't need to be told what to do . He also knew she was putting on a bit of a show for the customer , making them feel special because of the same - day order . Marcus stopped measuring and waited a few minutes before going out front to collect the completed order . Thanking the customer , he went back into the kitchen and adjusted the ingredient amounts , adding what he needed for the additional cakes as well as some for the store . The bell on the front door jingled almost constantly as he got his pans ready . Once the batter was mixed , Marcus measured out enough for each size cake layer and filled the cake pans . Over the years , he 'd gotten very efficient at it , and soon the layers were in the oven . Baking was what he loved to do and why he 'd opened the business in the first place . Taking a break , Marcus walked to the front of the store to check on the cases and see if anything else was needed . " What happened ? " Marcus asked as he peered into the half - empty cases . " It 's only been an hour . " " One of the ladies came in for something to serve her guests at a luncheon party and she bought quite a bit , " Angie answered with a smile , as the bell jingled on the door and she got ready to help another customer . Marcus went back into the kitchen and opened the refrigerator to pull out more of the chocolate and fruit tarts to replace what had sold . He also made a note to put together more carrot cakes . They 'd already sold two - no , make that three , Marcus thought as he saw Angie carrying one back to him . " Can you write ' Happy Birthday Sarah ' in pink on this cake for the customer ? " For the next few hours , he worked to get everything completed and ready . Angie left at noon , and he had to have everything possible done by then because he would be alone for the next few hours , until Becky came in after school . By the time noon came around , Marcus had everything out of the oven cooling , and the cases had been cleaned and filled . " I 'm heading home , " Angie said from the doorway to the store before leaning in and lowering her voice . " You might want to empty the register , " she added with a grin before waiting for him to take off his apron and join her out front . She said good - bye , giving Marcus a hug . " I 'll see you tomorrow , sweetheart , and don 't stay too late tonight , " she scolded lightly before leaving the shop . Marcus wanted to roll his eyes at her , but he didn 't dare . Angie had been one of his mother 's dearest friends , and when he 'd opened the bakery , she had insisted on helping him . She 'd put some of her own money into the business and hadn 't taken a dime in six months . There was no way he could ever have made it this far without her . More customers entered the store , and he helped them . It was the lunch hour , and while he still sold pastries and doughnuts , his bread sales also picked up . He and Angie had debated making bread at first , but in a town this size , if they didn 't make some of everything , they weren 't going to survive . In the afternoon , the store quieted down and Marcus used the time to inventory what he had and get a supply order ready . He was just finishing up when he heard the bell jingle . " Hey , how are my best customers ? " Marcus asked as Davey and Donnie walked in , along with their older brother , Billy . Marcus guessed that the twins were about ten or so . Billy was a waiter at Café Belgie across the street , where his partner was the chef and owner . " Good , " they both answered , hurrying up to the case so they could peer inside . Marcus saw both of the boys lick their lips in delight , the way they always seemed to . " Billy brought us over for cinnamon rolls , " Davey told him , and Marcus looked to Billy for confirmation . " We need half a dozen , " Billy confirmed , leaning against the counter . " How has business been ? " Billy asked . " This seems to be a tough town for bakeries . " " That 's really good . I sometimes get asked about you by patrons at the restaurant , and I always send them over , " Billy told him while Marcus got a box and carefully placed six cinnamon rolls inside . He also reached into the cookie case and grabbed a chocolate chip cookie for each of the boys . " Can I get you anything else ? " Marcus asked , already knowing the answer . Billy and Darryl had a full - time pastry chef who did all the desserts for their two restaurants , so they rarely bought anything other than cinnamon rolls . But Marcus had found out that Billy loved his carrot cake . " Some carrot cake ? " he suggested , and Marcus saw Billy hesitate . Marcus took a deep breath and got himself a cup of coffee before checking that everything was where he needed it to be . His cake layers had cooled , and he could assemble and ice them later . His work area was clean , and everything had been prepped for what he needed to do later . Marcus took a last look around as he heard the front door open . When he came out front , he found the mail sitting on the counter and the mailman already heading for the door . " Have a good day , " Marcus called just before the door closed . He saw the postman wave as he passed in front of the windows , and Marcus picked up the mail and thumbed through the pile slowly . His mail was divided into two things : junk and bills . The junk he threw away , and the bills , well , he placed those aside for now as his stomach clenched . He knew he had to spend some time with the books that afternoon , and he needed to go through his finances carefully , but he wasn 't expecting a miracle . He only had a few more months before the money he had left would be gone . There was an old joke about how to make a small fortune in the bakery business - start with a large fortune and open a bakery . Marcus stopped himself from panicking . He needed to get the books done and balance the bank statement that had also come in the mail . Then he 'd know where they were . He needed additional business , somehow , and he needed it fast . " Hi , Becky , " Marcus called as Becky , his afternoon helper , walked into the store . After stowing her purse and school bag in the back , she joined him out front . Marcus gave her a rundown on what was happening before disappearing into the back room . Getting out his carrot cake layers , he put together three eight - inch cakes and skim - coated them with cream cheese icing before placing them in the refrigerator to chill . He then started on the wedding cake layers , doing the bottom layers for both before placing them in the refrigerator . Then he pulled out the carrot cakes again , iced and finished them before carrying them to the pickup portion of the refrigerator . They 'd get boxed up to go later . He then went back to work on the wedding cakes . He needed to get all the tiers built , frosted , and chilling so he could finish the construction and decorating . It took a while , but he got everything ready for final decoration and into the refrigerator . Marcus was exhausted , and he still had the books to do . Becky came back and got the three carrot cakes , and he went out front to greet the customer . It was a woman who looked about fifty - five , dressed impeccably . " Your carrot cake is amazing . It reminds me of what my mother used to make . " " You 're quite the charmer , Mr . Wilson , " Becky commented with a sly grin . " If you decide to bottle it , my boyfriend could use some , that 's for sure . " Becky began wiping down the tables the way she 'd been taught . Marcus smiled and returned to the kitchen . In the far corner , he 'd set up a small desk , and he fished in his pocket for the keys to the file drawer . After opening it , he pulled out his ledgers , checkbook , and statements before sitting down and getting to the very unpleasant task . There was never enough money , and while he hadn 't lied to Billy - business had been steadily picking up - he wasn 't yet making enough money to keep from constantly dipping into his dwindling supply of cash . He entered all the bills in his ledger and balanced the business checkbook with the bank statements . The last week or so had been pretty good , business - wise , and Marcus hoped that would turn into a new normal , but it still wasn 't quite enough , and Becky was the only person getting paid right now . When Marcus factored in his rent and meager expenses , he figured he had enough cash on hand for three more months . He worked at his desk for another hour , making sure he knew everything , and trying to figure out what he could do to make everything work out , but it came down to one thing : he needed to generate more business . But could he actually handle more business ? He was already working all the hours he possibly could . In order to make more , so he could sell more , he 'd have to hire someone , but without the additional business , he didn 't have the money to hire anyone , let alone keep himself from starving . " I have everything cleaned up , and we can probably begin removing things from the cases anytime . There are more cake orders for tomorrow . I placed them with your book , and a woman who just left wanted to book an appointment for a wedding cake , " Becky told him . He could certainly use all the help he could get . " Why don 't we give it a try on Saturday and see how it goes ? " Marcus told her before closing his books and following her to the front so they could start closing up . The whole process didn 't take long , and soon Marcus was saying good night to Becky and locking the door . Then he recorded the orders Becky had taken and marked the wedding cake appointment on the calendar , noting what he had to do in the morning before getting a jump on the day ahead . Marcus managed to get one of the wedding cakes done and the other nearly finished , as well as some items made for the store , before exhaustion caught up with him . Once he 'd cleaned everything up , Marcus grabbed a few papers he wanted to review at home before turning out the lights and leaving through the front door . On his way home , he dropped the day 's receipts at the bank before continuing home on the slightly crisp evening . As he walked , he realized he 'd dropped something . Turning around , he saw it was the brochure Becky had given him for the Harrisburg Bridal Show . He shoved it back into the papers he was carrying before continuing on . He wasn 't in a rush to get home to his empty apartment . The town square was filled with people walking or sitting on benches , enjoying the spring warmth in the evening air . Marcus would have loved to take a seat and enjoy the evening , but he still had work to do tonight so he could go back to the store in the morning and get everything done he needed to . " Hi , Marcus , " Sebastian called from across the street , and he stopped as the head waiter from Café Belgie hurried to meet him . " Are you headed home ? " He and Sebastian had known each other for a while , but it was becoming neighbors that had made them friends . " Yes . I just closed the bakery , " Marcus supplied as they fell into step , heading one block south before turning onto Pomfret Street . Marcus sighed softly . He was so tired his eyes were closing as he walked . " These days are killing me . Thank goodness the bakery is closed on Sunday and Monday . " He usually spent most of at least one day sleeping . " I barely have time to shower and eat . On my days off , I plan what I 'll be doing the rest of the week . " Marcus yawned and covered his mouth . " I haven 't had a meal with friends in six months , and don 't get me started on the fact that other than customers , I haven 't interacted with another man in so long I 've almost forgotten what they look like . Even if I could get a date , I couldn 't find the time , and if he took me to dinner , I 'd fall asleep in my soup . " " I do , but I 'm in an impossible situation , " Marcus explained as they crossed the street . " I need the business to grow , but that means more labor than I can afford right now . Hopefully soon I 'll be able to hire some help , but right now I 'm stuck . " Marcus knew exactly where he was at , a catch - 22 that he didn 't see an easy way out of . " You know if there 's anything we can do to help , Robert and I will , " Sebastian said . " He 's addicted to your cinnamon rolls , and would probably issue a ruling from the bench to keep them coming . " Sebastian 's partner , Robert , had been elected a judge about a year ago . " More than anything I need to bring in more business for things like my cakes and cheesecakes . I can make them in larger quantities , and they sell for an amount that really makes the effort worthwhile . I 'm just not sure how to do it . " They reached the steps to Sebastian 's place , and Marcus stopped . " There 's a market on the square , and I 've thought of trying to sell things there , but then I 'd be away from the store . " " I hope you work it out , " Sebastian told him . " Your stuff is the best there is . Even Maureen says so , and she doesn 't compliment anyone else 's baked goods . " He winked when he mentioned the pastry chef at Café Belgie . She 'd been in the shop a few times and had seemed pleased . " I 'll see you soon , " Sebastian said as he unlocked his front door , and Marcus said good - bye as well before heading into his building and up the stairs to his apartment in the back . Inside , Marcus set his papers on the small table and found something to eat . While the microwave heated his dinner , he sat at the table and went through the papers he 'd brought home . Most of it was junk he threw in the trash , but the flier for the wedding show caught his eye . That would be a way to bring in extra business . He thought about it , but like everything else , there was a cost and it appeared to be rather high . Also , in order to do the show , he 'd have to close the store , so he 'd not only be into it for the booth rental , but would lose a day 's business at the store , as well . The timer went off , and he got up , took the plastic container of stir - fry out of the microwave and brought it back to the table . He really wished he wasn 't doing this on his own . That hadn 't been the original business plan , but it was the way things were now . Not letting himself dwell on it , Marcus got one of those individual - serving containers of milk out of the refrigerator . While he ate , he went through the rest of the business mail as well as his own before cleaning up and heading into the living room . He turned on his television , found a channel that worked , and settled down to watch . It felt amazingly blissful to just sit down for a few minutes . When his phone rang , Marcus nearly didn 't bother answering it , but when he looked at his cell , the display read " The General , " and he knew he 'd better answer it . " Hi , Dad , " Marcus said after pressing the connect button . " Did you just get home from work ? " his father asked without a hint of concern about the late hour . He might as well have been asking if Marcus had just finished taking out the trash . " Yeah , I know , and when you were young , you walked to school through the snow without shoes , uphill , both ways . Yeah , I get it . " Marcus was feeling grumpy and not really up for his father 's self - aggrandizing at this particular moment . " Did you call for a reason , or simply to harass me after I 've worked for sixteen hours and need to get up early tomorrow to do it all over again ? " Damn , he sounded whiny , and he hated that . He loved his job , and he loved the bakery . There were times when he wished he had a more normal life , but he 'd chosen to do this and he was going to see it through . " What did you need , Dad ? " Marcus added , changing his tone . " I would like you to come to a family dinner on Sunday . " That meant that Katherine , Marcus 's stepmother , had invited her children over for dinner , and his father , not to be left out , planned to have his son there was well . The invitation might have been phrased politely , but it was an order and Marcus knew it . He hated these things . His stepbrothers and even one of his stepsisters were officers in various branches of the military , exactly what his father had hoped for him . " What time ? " Marcus asked , too tired to argue with him . He knew there would be hell to pay one way or another if he didn 't agree , anyway , so he made it easier on himself . " Drinks are at five with dinner at six , " his father informed him in a tone that said Marcus should very well know that . " I 'll see you then . " His father hung up , and Marcus set the phone by the chair . After turning off the television , Marcus turned out the lights and walked to the bathroom . It was barely eight thirty , but he was exhausted and he needed to get to bed . He tossed his dirty clothes in the hamper and showered quickly before getting into his side of the bed and then turning off the light . Why he still slept on one side of the bed , Marcus wished he knew , but he did . Maybe it was his mind 's way of telling him that somewhere down under the exhaustion , worry , and drive to make his business a success , there was a man who simply wanted to find someone to love and love him back . Marcus sincerely hoped he was out there , but had no idea how he was ever going to find him . Closing his eyes , he let his exhaustion take over . Andrew grew up in western Michigan with a father who loved to tell stories and a mother who loved to read them . Since then he has lived throughout the country and traveled throughout the world . He has a master 's degree from the University of Wisconsin - Milwaukee and now writes full time . What a wonderful post holiday treat ! Saw a post about it on Facebook and immediately went to read it . I absolutely LOVE , LOVE , LOVE Jory and Sam and the entire cast of characters from Mary Calmes ' Matter of Time Universe . I think I love . . . I loved the blend of holiday and paranormal that brought Hearts Alight to life . I don 't know just when I loved such a cynical character such as Dave , his hatred of the commercialism of the holidays has begun to cloud his judgement . It ta . . . What a lovely take on the legend of Krampus ! I 'm not going to say too much about Krampus Hates Christmas but I will say that it is a perfect blend of holiday , paranormal , romance , and just plain fun . I just could not put this down until . . . What do I say about Snow in Montana that could even begin to come close to successfully express how much I loved the latest installment of the Montana series ? It 's RJ Scott ! Okay , maybe I need to say more , lol . Snow might be Ryan and Jor . . . Because Glass Tidings is a holiday story , we all pretty much know where it 's going to end up but sometimes it isn 't about the end but the journey . Which is exactly what Glass is about , the journey for both Gray and Eddie . Gray is a bit o . . . Once again , another new author for me and what a great introduction and I look forward to checking out more . Who doesn 't love an ugly Christmas sweater ? Okay , love might be a bit strong but they are certainly part of the fest . . . If you are looking for something different from the happy , happy holiday reads then Nicolas is the one for you . A delicious blend of good , bad , sexy , torture , mystery , paranormal , and well just about everything in between . I first came a . . . |
I flicked the lights on and watched while they flashed dimly , as though threatening to retire , and then brighten , basking the room in a golden light . My eyes searched the room cautiously . Though the room was my own , stories of robbers and other criminals had me shaken up . Slowly , my muscles relaxed as my eyes found nothing but my midnight blue walls , sloppily made bed , overflowing trash bin , and the picture frame on my white dresser that held the last memory I had of my father . In the picture , I was a giddy nine year - old girl on my father 's shoulders . We were both smiling wide grins ; mine missing a few teeth . I stood up and looked in my circular mirror . My shoulder - length hair was made up of the same red ringlets my dad 's had been and my bright green eyes were of the exact same hue . I stood still as a single tear rolled down my cheek and lingered momentarily on my chin before falling to the ground . The event that changed my life happened in just one moment . My father was killed in a series of attacks that occurred six years ago today . It was the year I began fourth grade . I remember waking up early to see my dad off to the airport . His job often required him to represent the company at conferences nationwide , so the morning seemed to be of usual routine . Later that morning , I was sitting cross - legged on my living room floor as my mother tried to pull my unruly curls into a braid while she watched the news . When word started reaching the ears of the news stations , every major channel was broadcasting live reports regarding the attacks taking place at the very hotel my dad was staying in . As we did not know whether or not my dad was one of the victims , my mom began to cry . She stumbled to the remote and flipped through the channels until she came across the name of the first victim , a woman in her late thirties . Thinking this was the only victim , my mom turned off the T . V . and cried tears of relief . At school that day , I watched as the students and teachers worried and wondered about their family and friends , smilingClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Muffin ! By Kellsie , 13 There once was a puppy named Muffin . She had golden brown fur , a soft cold nose , and a very fluffy tail . She lived with her owner Kristen in a large suburban neighborhood , in a medium size house with a balcony outside her room . Muffin loved her owner , Kristen , very much , almost as much as Kristen loved her puppy . The two were never apart . They went to the park , the store , they went everywhere to together . The family loved Muffin too . Then one day Kristen and Muffin were walking through the park when there was another dog up ahead . Muffin went crazy and started barking and pulling on the leash . Kristen tried to pull back , but the leash broke and soon Muffin was running away from Kristen . She tried to run after Muffin but she couldn 't find her anywhere . Kristen ran home and burst through the door . ' Muffin just broke away from the leash ! ! ! My Muffin is missing ! ! ! ' screamed Kristen . ' What ? ! Slow down and tell me what happened , ' replied her mom , in a soothing voice . Once Kristen calmed down she explained to her mom that she had been walking Muffin through the park and there was a dog and Muffin went wild and broke from her leash . When Kristen got to that part of the story she started crying so hard . She took a minute to calm down . ' So after Muffin broke away from her leash what happened ? ' her mother asked . ' After she broke away she started running down the sidewalk and I tried to chase her , but she was too fast . ' Kristen started sobbing again and her mother sent her to her room to go and take a rest . When Kristen 's dad got home Kristen was still sleeping . When the dad asked what was wrong the mother replied , ' Muffin ran away . Kristen was walking her in the park and apparently there was a dog and Muffin broke free and ran away , ' replied Kristen 's mom . ' How 's Kristen ? ' ' Not so well . She burst in the house crying and after she told me what happened she started crying so I sent her to go and rest . ' ' Has she been up there since you sent her ? ' ' Yes . I went up there a little while ago and she was muttering in her sleep about MuffiBy Ryan , 10 Many years ago , in the realm of Dark Matter , the word of a prophecy spread forth . It was told that once every new millennium , a single dragon baby would grow up to be a heroic , bold savior of the dark matter realm . It would fall under reign of an evil Dragon King . The newborn hero would take on a quest to defeat the evil Dragon King , save the realm , but fail to save what matters most in the end . . . The time has come for the prophecy to fulfill itself . It is the year 2 , 000 in the realm of dark matter . The new millennium has begun . A baby dragon is on its way in a family that has yet to discover what their future holds . . . In the nest of a mother dragon , with the father near by her side , a single shimmering , golden egg was about to crack a tiny crevice in the mystical outer shell . As tension built up , so did the egg 's crack . After a minute , that felt like an hour , the egg split in two , and thus , a hero was born . The two new parents named their son , Fable . They had no idea that their baby dragon would grow up to save the Dark Matter realm from the clutches of the evil dragon they now bowed to , Thoran the Dragon King . He was a cruel dragon with a swirling black pattern on his black - as - deep - night skin . At the age of seven , Fable blew his first fire . Sure it wasn 't a blazing path of infernos , taking down everything in its path , but it was fire . He was satisfied . At eight , he learned to fly through the skies and soar like a graceful young dragon . Then , devastation struck at his ninth year . His parents were at a ceremony , honoring Thoran , the Dragon King , and they forgot to bow at his presence . This act of disgrace was enough to be blasted by fire and unfortunately , die . Fable 's life seemed to have spun into a swirling back hole after his parent 's death , resulting in depression . He had to feed himself , clean himself , find a new home , and since he couldn 't find one , he built one on top of a hill covered in beautiful Dragon Berry Bushes . Luckily . . . he made a new friend . . . On the morning of his third day in his wooden home , FableClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Best Friends , Minus One By Caitlin and Becca , 13 Ring ! The phone rang . ' Hello ? ' I answered it . ' Hi Catherine ! Where 's Rachel ? ' Ben was calling . ' I 'll get her . ' I told him , ' Rachel ! ! ' ' What ? ' She yelled back . ' Ben 's on the phone . ' ' Okay , coming . ' I put the phone on speaker so we could both talk . ' Guess what ? ' Ben said . He sounded excited . ' What ? ' We both asked , simultaneously . ' I 'm going to space camp with my grandparents ! In Kansas ! ' ' Wow , that 's great ! ' I exclaimed . ' How long are you staying at the camp ? ' Rachel asked . ' For a week , but I 'll send you a letter when I get there . ' ' We won 't see you for a week ? ' I moaned . ' I 'm happy for you , but we 'll miss you . ' The phone was quiet . He was thinking , ' I 'll bring souvenirs for you guys ! ' ' When will you be leaving ? ' Rachel asked . ' Sorry , I 've got to go , bye , ' Ben said rapidly . What we didn 't know was , we wouldn 't get the letter or the souvenirs . The next day we meet Ben at the ice cream parlor . ' Sorry I had to go so fast yesterday , my parents wanted me to get off the phone . ' ' It 's okay , ' we both assured him . We went to the counter to order our ice cream . ' What would you like ? ' The cashier asked Ben . ' Vanilla , please , ' he responded . ' Okay and you two ? ' ' Chocolate with gummy bears , please , ' we said together . ' Wow , are you guys twins ? ' she asked us . ' Yes . ' ' That 's cool . ' she told us . People always make a big deal of Rachel and I being twins . She gave us our ice cream , we paid , and then we sat down at a booth . So when will you be leaving for space camp ? ' Rachel asked Ben . ' June 15 . So , in a week . ' ' That 's the day school ends . You 'll miss it ? ' Rachel asked him . ' But that 's the most fun day of the year ! We 'll have a party and watch a movie . You sure you want to miss it ? ' I exclaimed . ' I won 't miss it , Catherine . I 'm leaving after school , ' he said , laughing at my too - fast reaction . ' Have you packed your stuff yet ? ' I asked ' No but I 'm asking my mom to help me . ' We finished our ice cream and left for home . A week later . . . . . Ring ! It was Ben again . I called Rachel down and put the phone on speaker . ' Hello , ' I said , ' yes ? ' ' Are you going with me to watch me lClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Santa 's Rude Awakening We would like to dedicate this book to our friends and family . Thank you for your love and kindness . On a cold snowy day in December , I was walking to school . My name is Cheyenne . Everyday I have to travel through Central Park in New York . The park was beautiful during December , but I dreaded the Christmas spirit . I had to walk five blocks everyday to get to school . I noticed everyone hugging and laughing with their friends , I didn 't have that because I was unkind to my classmates . When I arrived to her class room , I noticed a new kid with brown curly hair , blue eyes , and who was very small , sitting in my seat . I walked up to the new kid and asked , ' Excuse me , who are you , and what do you think you are doing in my seat ? ! ' My fifth grade teacher , Mr . Lewis , yelled , ' Matt , Cheyenne , sit down ! Matt , you sit in the corner by Joseph and Cheyenne . ' As I was sitting down in my seat I realized that everyone in the classroom was staring at me . I reached in my backpack to get a pencil for the math test , which I didn 't study for . During the whole test , Matt kept staring at me , but I wasn 't sure why . One my way home I was beginning to get excited for the A I earned on my math test . When I got home my mom was sitting at the table with her new boyfriend , Zane . They were talking about our Christmas plans we had with my grandma . Zane invited my mom to dinner and a movie on Christmas Eve , which was tomorrow night . I hoped that she wouldn 't forget about our shopping spree we are going on . It was Saturday , Christmas Eve . My mom wanted to go to Macy 's and I was forced to go along . Either I go with her , or stay home and clean the house . Our planes for our big shopping spree were crushed ; my mom actually thought I liked Macy 's . When we were there everyone was cheerful and in the Christmas spirit , I hated this . Why did everyone like Christmas ? What was so exciting about it ? You wake up one morning get some presents from Santa and then its over . Who is Santa anyway ? As my mom was still shopping , I asked her , ' Why are you going to dinner wiClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Dylan and The Bullies Dylan is 14 years old and has brown hair , blue eyes , with geeky glasses and he wasn 't the best looking kid , but he was very intelligent . He told his mom in the car , ' I don 't want to go to school . ' Freshmen year was about to start and poor Dylan didn 't have any friends . Dylan got to class early , to get a seat in the back where the popular kids would usually sit . He said to himself , ' I know I shouldn 't sit back here , but oh well . ' As the bell rang everyone started to come in . The popular kids , who are mean and rude to all students classified as anything but popular , demanded Dylan to move . Dylan did what they said instantly . Dylan went home and ran straight to his bedroom . His mom walked in and saw that Dylan was crying . She asked what was wrong and sat on the bed next to him . He exclaimed , ' The popular kids yelled at me today . ' His mom sighed and said , ' None of this is your fault . ' Dylan replied , ' Yes it is , I knew not to sit in the back and I knew that since I 'm so ugly and so much smarter than they are that they would do this to me . ' ' No , none of this is your fault , ' replied his mom . Dylan finally stopped crying and went down for dinner . When he arrived at the table , he is pleasantly surprised by the by the aroma of the meatloaf . ' Yum meatloaf , ' he exclaimed . ' Yes , I hope you 're hungry because your dad won 't be coming home tonight , ' his mom said . Dylan got up and went to the bathroom to wash up . As he did he looked in the mirror , and thought , ' Why can 't I be handsome and popular ? ' Dylan then decided to go to the barber shop . His mom asked him , ' Is this really what you want ? ' He told her , ' Yes , this is what I really want . ' She said , ' Okay . ' The next day , after school , Dylan and his mom went to one of barber shops . When he got there the man asked , ' What would you like to do with your hair ? ' He replied , ' I have no idea . I just don 't want this hair anymore . ' The man said , ' Okay . ' ' Would you like to dye your hair today ? ' the man questioned . Dylan took a deep breath and thought about it . ' No , I think I will be fine , ' he answered . WhClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Magical Mountain In a faraway palace where no one would ever know is a boy and girl named Ricky and Sophia . They both are brother and sister and each other 's best friends . Everyday they would both travel around their enormous size kingdom . Their parents Maya and Bill both work during the day and the children only go to school early in the morning so they usually have the house to themselves . They have 1 dog and sometimes a nanny / maid but she never is around because she has her own room in the house which she spends most of her time in . It was 8 in the morning when Sophia heard their dog Mouse under her bed fighting with a noisy headache will it ever stop type of toy . Rick came into the room shouting BOO to his alarmed sister . In a second she fell out of her bed rolling all over her cold wood floor . Sophia said , ' That wasn 't polite of you . ' Knocking on the door the children ran down the lengthy wooden stair case wondering who would be up knocking on their door so early . They peeked through the tiny hole on the metal door and saw the newspaper boy standing in a t - shirt with a dorky saying on it , ' My Dog Ate My Homework Leave Me Alone ' , a pair of dark shaded blue jeans that looked expensive , new Sketcher shoes that had red and black stripes and a baseball team hat facing sideways . His total of his look was expensive and pricy . Still , banging on the door like an extremely impatient person , Rick whispered to his little sister , ' 1 , 2 , 3 , OPEN ' . Standing there like the impatient person he is walking into there house saying , ' Hey , Sophia how you doing ? Want to catch a movie this afternoon ? ' The not so surprised look on Sophia 's face was pleasing to Rick . The joyful boy went striding into the kitchen finding a couple of dollars to pay the rich , impatient kid . Sophia started to say , ' I 'm too young to go on a date especially with you . ' The kid stared at her with a nasty look on his perfect face . ' Here 's the money Franklin ' , Rick uttered . ' It 's Frank , not Franklin , ' he ordered . As they all paced toward the front door Frank winked at Sophia giClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Destination : Imagination Max stumbled over a duck , teddy bear , squirrel , and a bunny stuffed animal along with a bunch of other junk . His eighth birthday just passed and now he 's getting rid of his little baby toys . ' Max , is your room clean yet ? ' Mrs . Mac , his mom , yelled . Max didn 't tell his mom that he was giving away his animal toys . ' Yeah , yeah , I 'm getting to it , ' Max said back , annoyed . He grabbed his new toy cars and monster trucks . ' Vroom , vroom , ' he said as he rolled them over his stuffed animals , ' I will crush all you little animals . ' Then Max put everything on the floor and ran downstairs with an evil smile on his face . When he returned , he was holding a big black trash bag . Quickly he stuffed the duck , teddy bear , squirrel , bunny , and turtle into the bag and dragged it all the way downstairs to the backyard where he shoved it in the tool shed . Max slammed the doors shut . ' Mwahaha , ' he laughed and ran back upstairs . Max jumped on his bed with the race car comforter and kept bouncing up and down and up and down . ' Thump ! ' Max fell off his bed , onto the ground . ' Max , honey , are you ok ? ' Mrs . Mac rushed in and Max sat up , ' Oh , Max , how many times do I have to tell you ? Don 't jump on your bed ! Now will you come help me get the trash out ? ' ' Ok , Mom , ' Max groaned and got up slowly . Mrs . Mac went downstairs and out the back door to the garbage can and Max dragged the trash from the kitchen outside . ' Thanks Max . Now , sweetie , can you go open up the tool shed and hand me some tape ? ' ' Uh , well , um . ' Max didn 't want his mother to find his stuffed animals in the trash bag in there , so he just kept thinking of what to do . ' Alright , fine , I 'll do it myself , ' Mrs . Mac said . As she opened the doors of the tool shed , out popped a black trash bag which held the stuffed animals , but she didn 't know that because it was tied shut . ' What is this garbage doing in here ? ' ' Umm , I don 't know , ' Max lied . He didn 't like lying to his mom , but he didn 't like getting in trouble either . ' Oh well , I 'll just put it in , ' Mrs . Mac said and put it in the trash . Then togetI sat waiting anxiously as the last minute of the school bell was slowly passing over . It seemed like forever . I was in math , my least favorite subject . In exactly one minute I will meet up with Savannah so we can plead with my parents about having a birthday bash for my 13th birthday . As I was running breathless to the buses , I was rudely stopped by a group of ' wannabes . ' The 411 on the ' wannabes ' is that they think they are the coolest group in school . Their group leader 's name is Audrey . Audrey dances at Kimberly Lewis , we are in all of the same classes . When it comes to competing , she is a total stuck up brat . She even tries to do better then me at stretching . Audrey and I just don 't mix . Her dad invented Pop Tarts and her mom is the host of CTV News , because of this he thinks she is the most popular girl in school . In real life she is just snob one , and her best friend , Jessica , is snob two . Audrey walked up to me and asked about my party . I told her that everyone was invited except her and her posse of friends . She looked at me as if I were kidding . She told me that I would be lucky to have her at my party . All I told her was that it was going to be better than her 13th birthday party . She gave me a snobby look and walked off . I yelled out to her that it was going to be the party of the year and everyone was going to worship me after my party . I couldn 't believe what I said . Savannah walked up to me and said , ' You haven 't even asked your parents if you can have a birthday party yet . ' I just looked at her and I said , ' I know , that 's what I 'm afraid of . ' Savannah and I ran up to the bus , but our bus driver slammed the door shut and told us that we were a minute late ! We couldn 't believe it ! We were two steps away from the bus and she shut the door ! I quickly took off my vibrant multi - colored , tie - dyed , velvet JanSport backpack and placed it on the cold , dry concrete right outside of our school . I unzipped my front pocket and grabbed my Dooney and Bourke cell phone case and snapped it open . Inside laid my hot pinkClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Runaway Journey ' Get outside , I don 't want any more lip from you mister . Now rake those leaves . Don 't come back in until you 're finished . Don 't forget to do a good job or you won 't get your two dollars pay for the week , ' yelled Mr . Whitaker . ' You can 't treat him so rough , ' said a medium height , dark haired woman named Mrs . Whitaker . ' I know , but I 'm just trying to get him ready for the real world , ' said a tall stout man . It was Mr . Whitaker , who was yelling at the young boy who was still outside . That young boy was 12 year old Freddy Whitaker . Life 's been tough for him since he turned 12 because he has been doing a lot more work around their little farm . Freddy 's mother was out of work and the family was barely making do on Mr . Whitaker $ 600 a month salary . It was the early 60 's , so finding a decent job was hard to do in rural Maine . Freddy 's story doesn 't start here , it starts when he finds a flyer for a very cruel carnival but he doesn 't know it yet . A couple of days later , while sweeping the porch , Freddy came across a flyer he had picked it up and started reading it as he sat on the porch . ' Bye son , don 't forget to take the trash out and finish cleaning your room , oh , here 's five bills , go get some bread and milk sometime today , alright ? ' said his parents driving away . ' Huh ! Gosh I hate them ! Why are they so mean ? I wish I could find a new home . ' Freddy went back to reading the flyer . It read ' Magnificent Carnival NEED performers open to all comers adults and kids alike . ' ' I wish I could go , but I will never get my shot . This stinks . ' Freddy grabbed his bike from the garage , put the money in his pocket , and rode off to the market . At the market , he got the bread and the milk then went to the clerk . He paid and realized he had two dollars left so he bought a cola and a couple of candy bars . When he got home he ate the candy bars , eating them so fast and drank the soda so quick that he got a stomach ache and became so sick he then fell asleep . He woke up a few hours later , the blue sky had darkened to a deep orange red , the sun wasClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Missing Christmas Star Mary is a six - year - old girl who has a mom and a dad . During fall break , her parents have to go to Japan to work . Before they went to work , Mary 's mom called her to see if her dad could watch her daughter for a week . Mary 's grandpa came to pick her up . ' Now be good and do what he says , ok ? ' told mom . ' Ok , ' said Mary . Mary 's parents left for the airport . Mary and Grandpa arrived at his house . Mary dragged her bag in the house . ' The second room to the right on the first floor is your room , ' informed Grandpa . ' Ok , thanks . ' The house was warm and bright with light . It was clean , smelled like candles , and had snacks on the counter . Mary found the room next to the living room . The room was clean with a desk , a bed , and a closet like a guest room . ' Go unpack your things and I will get you some hot cocoa . ' ' Ok , ' replied Mary . She went to the counter to get her hot cocoa . Mary drank her hot cocoa and said , ' Grandpa , since tomorrow is Tuesday can I go play with my friends ? ' asked Mary . ' Sure . Why not , ' allowed Grandpa , ' but only if you finished all of your homework . ' ' I 'm almost done with my project , ' shouted the now excited Mary . She brought the poster for her project downstairs and glued some papers down . A couple of minutes later , she was done with her project . They ate dinner and went to bed . In the morning , Mary woke up at about ten o ' clock to a delicious smell . ' Good morning Grandpa . What 's for breakfast ? ' she asked with her mouth watering . ' Pancakes with syrup and butter , ' replied Grandpa . ' Grandpa , I 'm going to go to Suzan 's house at eleven o ' clock , is that ok with you ? ' asked Mary . ' Sure . ' It was 10 : 30 when they finished breakfast . Mary went to take a shower , got dressed , and combed her hair . She was finally ready to go . ' Bye Grandpa , I 'll come before eight o ' clock , ' she told Grandpa . She left the house to Suzan 's house . And for three days , she did the same thing over and over again . On the last day that Mary would be with Grandpa , he told his favorite story that was passed down for generations and generations . ' Mary , coClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Biily It was a chilly , stormy , December day in northern Arizona . Dylan was bored out of his mind while his mom got ready to go to the grocery store . Dylan was 10 years old and had brown hair . He was short for his age , but he stood out and had a curious personality . Dylan jumped off the couch as his mom came out of her bedroom , ' Make sure you let no one in this house while I 'm gone sweetie . ' ' Okay Mom , ' Dylan yelled back . There was nothing to do in the old fashioned home . The whole house was a boring plain white color . There were only three bedrooms and it was very small . Dylan wished he could have gone outside , but he couldn 't . When his mom left he turned the loud T . V . on and watched some cartoons . As Dylan was flipping through the channels he came across a golf tournament that was being held . That 's how he got the brilliant idea of setting up his own miniature golf course in the house . ' This is going to be great , ' Dylan said to himself . Dylan started in the back hall and ended in the kitchen . He set up chairs , blankets and blockages to make the course more interesting . While he was getting his miniature clubs he was very ecstatic to play . Dylan was doing great as he came to the seventh hole in the dining area . As Dylan lifted the club to his neck to swing , he was in trouble . When he swung the club around to hit the ball , the club went flying across the room and straight into the china set . Dylan stood there in shock . He walked over to the china set and saw all of his mom 's favorite dishes broken in pieces . ' Oh , great . I am in so much trouble ! ' Dylan said aloud , ' what am I going to do ? ' Dylan sat on the couch . He came up with many excuses . He looked over at the back door as his dog came through the little opening soaking wet from the rain . Dylan thought he could get away with blaming it on the dog . He would say that the dog ran right into the china set and knocked everything over . Dylan felt guilty about what he was going to do , but he still didn 't want to get in trouble . When Dylan heard the garage door open he got extremelyClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Preston the Magical French Fry Once upon a time there was a tall , brown haired kid named Benjamin walking through a deep forest . All of a sudden he tripped over a McDonald 's box . When he kicked it , a French fry came flying out at mach speed . Benjamin went over to see what it was ; he picked up a leaf and looked under it . He saw a golden , crispy French fry . All of a sudden the French fry started talking to Ben . The French fry shouted , ' My name is Preston , and I 'm a magical French fry . ' Ben ran home so quickly , he was home in no time . He ran upstairs in a heartbeat . ' Mom , Mom , Mom you will never believe what I found ! ' Of course Benjamin was so excited ; he took the French fry to his friend Jake 's house , without finishing telling his mom about it . ' No way ! ' Jake exclaimed . ' I know , and it 's our little secret , ' Benjamin whispered . The next day of school , Benjamin and Jake were acting like they had ants in their pants . The day ticked by very slowly for them . All they wanted to do was go play with Preston . But they didn 't realize that Preston was magical , and he was going to turn their worlds upside down Ben went home that day and played with Preston . ' Preston , ' Benjamin said , ' do you have any special powers ? ' ' Well , ' Preston said slowly , ' I can do something . ' Benjamin sat on the edge of his seat , waiting for Preston to tell him . ' I can grant you three wishes , ' Preston said nervously , and with that said , Benjamin knew exactly what he was going to wish for . Benjamin ran downstairs and ran right back up . ' Preston , for my first wish I would like a new skateboard , ' shouted Benjamin . Preston wiggled his whole body until magical dust started coming off of him . All of a sudden a brand new skateboard appeared . Benjamin had a couple of wishes floating in his mind , but he could not figure out which one would be the best . But he had an idea . ' I wish I had a million dollars , ' Benjamin said . Preston made him one million dollars richer . The money started falling into his house , and Benjamin was running around trying to catch it . Benjamin was thinking hard about his last wish , and hBy Darlene , 13 A long time ago in the mountains lived a small village of mountain men and women . The village was green had rolling hills , mountains and lots of large trees . Also , the mountain people were amazing musicians . Their best were three young children , Delaydis , Luke , and Lily Rose . Delaydis is a beautiful mountain girl and she was the village 's favorite singer in all the land . Delaydis had long , red , curly hair and always wore her favorite skirt . She was also really thin and had flawless light skin , and her singing voice was flawless as the most amazing sunset in summer . ' She sings like a bloomin ' flower in the first mornin ' of spring , ' all the mountain people would cry . You 'd hear all the children say , ' Her voice is as pure as the water in the creek on the highest mountain . ' Delaydis was a singer , that was her favorite thing to do . Now , Lily Rose wasn 't the prettiest girl in all the land , not like Delaydis , that is . She had frizzy dark hair that she always wore in pigtails , and she was thin and pale , but her dancing , now that was a show to see ! Lily - Rose could dance and stomp till your cattle came on home ! Oh , and she sure did ! ' Lily - Rose , that girl can dance ! ' you 'd hear the whole small town say . ' That girl dances like the leaves blowin ' in the wind , ' the mountain people would exclaim . Lily rose danced every day and every night ! Lily - Rose was a dancer , which was her favorite thing to do . Any girl in the village knew Luke . He had the prettiest face you ever could see . With his dark hair , greenest of green eyes and of course his freckles perfectly set like little polka - dots . Not only that , but that boy could play his banjo like you never did hear . ' Luke 's banjo makes the angels sing in the heaven above , ' all the children would say . ' Luke 's playing is so beautiful ; he could bring the sun in a rainy day with one strum of that thing ! ' That 's what everyone said about his banjo playing . Luke was a Banjo player , which was his favorite thing to do . Now everyone in the village knows about the traditional harvest . The harvest had food Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Skippy the Hero Dog On the chilly winter morning of Christmas , in an old frosted town of Indiana , Leslie Summers woke up , and excitingly scrambled out of her bed . She couldn 't wait for this morning all year , to open up her big red present with a Golden Retriever puppy inside . Once she got to the bottom of the stairs she immediately knew she got her puppy , because there were big air holes cut into the top of a wrapped present , which was under the Christmas tree . She ran to the box and opened it faster than she thought she could . Leslie was a short six year old brunette who had begged for a puppy all her life , and now she finally got one . Her puppy was a little smaller than she was . It had big blue eyes , and a golden fur coat with floppy ears . Leslie held the puppy in her lap and tried to think of a name she would call him . She decided that Skippy would be the perfect name for her dog because he was the color of her favorite brand of peanut butter . He was everything she ever wanted . A couple of minutes later , Leslie 's parents came downstairs . Her dad was holding her baby brother Ryan , and her mom holding her baby sister Sydney . Ryan and Sydney were her two year old twin siblings . When her whole family was under the tree , she thanked them , for the most amazing gift ever . After two days of having Skippy , Leslie played with him and taught him all of the rules she wanted him to know . Her number one rule was staying out of the front yard because the Johnson 's dog next door was recently kidnapped . Leslie trusted Skippy by the end of the week because he always listened to her . In three days she was leaving on a vacation to Hawaii and she was going to bring him . She was very excited to show her family her brand new puppy . Leslie had soccer practice and she decided she would let Skippy stay in the back yard since there was a gate blocking the front yard . She kissed Skippy 's head and told him she would see him in two hours when she got back . Skippy took a nap in the shade , under a tree . Twenty minutes went by and he woke up from hearing a cat 's Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Not a Present You Can Open In Sunbury , Pennsylvania everything 's the same , the perfectly cut lawns , freshly painted houses , over bubbly mothers driving their energy conserving minivans all around town ! Well that is everything but my family . We drive a gas guzzling suburban , live in a house that 's surrounded with over grown grass , and have I mentioned we are a bit eccentric . Compared to the other mothers in the area my mom was not the cashmere sweater type or one to have perfectly blown out hair after toting the kids all around . I was young but I could still pick up anything but slight differences . My father , well , he was always traveling so I never really got to compare him to the others . When you are eight , nine months seems like an eternity , it is three fourths of a year , 270 days . This time can be doubled when you are waiting for your little brother to be born . I thought those nine months would never end . The baby showers and parties , the gifts , and the extremely overexcited relatives , it all lasted nine months way too long . In the end you would think I would receive some sort of prize for having survived this time , but no . I didn 't . Instead I got a smelly , screaming , attention hog of a brother . The name of this problem is Liam . As you can probably tell I 'm not too warmed up to the idea of having a new brother to share the household with . Of course life goes on . I learned to accept the fact that no , my parents would not give Liam to the circus , and not many people are willing to buy your little brother when you put him on the corner of your street with a sign around his neck that says , ' Brother for Sale ' . Therefore , by accepting this fate of being a big sister I learned to ignore Liam to the best of my ability . However , your patience can only be stretched so far before you snap . So it 's no surprise that eventually I was stretched too thin and inevitably I broke . This happened in less than five minutes I had started to get ready for the first day of school . In this time Liam had managed to cover me in grape juice , put Cheerios in my hair , Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Big Challenge There I was , heading to camp Pali . I know the camp is fun because I have been there 2 other times . The camp has around 30 different specialties including Secret Agent camp , Hollywood stunts , water sports and a whole lot more . My name is Josh and I am going with my friend Aidan . When we finally arrive at camp everyone is extremely happy to see so many familiar faces . All of us were so happy ; we were all talking at the same time and I did not hear a word anyone was saying . The camp is surrounded by trees and cities that are not visible and are miles away . The camp was on Pali Mountain next to Running Springs , California and it was June 27 , 2007 . After we got our cabin numbers we went and put our bags next to our bunk beds . Once we got settled in we met our cabin counselors . Every counselor has a fake name and ours counselors names were Yogi Bear and Bomber . We went to the lake to hang out and see if there were any fish . The lake was huge . We were there for about an hour or two . About the whole time we were there we skipped rocks . Aidan got the rock to skip the most . The next morning we set out on a hike into the wilderness . This was a part of the special ops camp . The part of this hike that we had to succeed in was getting a counselor back to camp . The counselor pretended to be hurt and we had to put him on a stretcher and carry him back to camp . The hard part was that we had to defend ourselves from people who would attack us with paintball guns . The next morning someone in our group got attacked by the people trying to stop us . Counselor said , ' Look , ducks ! ' The group was getting very angry and people were starting to argue . It was getting dark and the group started turning on their lanterns . Half the group stayed with the counselor and other person , the other half kept watch in case the people with paintball guns came back to attack us again . About twenty minutes later . Aidan and I came running into camp yelling , ' They 're right behind us ! ' and , ' they 're after us ! ' The group was in red alert ! Aidan and I grabbed ouBy Jacob , 13 There once was a penguin named Bell Flop , but all her friends called her Belly Flop . Bell lived in the cold continent of Antarctica , she was 3 ' 7 and was a little taller than most of her friends , she had a blue bow that she always wore on top of her hairless head and had the biggest sea blue eyes and dark black , oily fur . But back to the story , Bell got her nickname because she was the best diver around , and could do any flip tricks before belly flopping without a problem . She lived in a house completely made out of ice . The windows , the door , even the bushes . She lived in the house with her grandma , her mom , her dad , her grandpa and a pet seal named Joe . One day her dad came back from work , and there was a tiny brown box on the floor of the house . The box kept making a little tweet sound from inside the box . Then little Bell walked into her ice kitchen to find her dad licking a frozen ice coffee popsicle and she asked him , ' Daddy dearest , could you please tell me what 's inside the little box in the living room ? ' and he replied back to her with the sweetest smile on his face , ' Well , little Bell you do know that tomorrow is your birthday , and I wanted to give you an early gift , because tomorrow I have lots of work and I don 't know if I can make it back before eight ' o clock . ' Little Bell answered back with a curious expression , ' May I go open it Pa , oh pretty please Daddy ? ' ' Of course my dear go open it . ' Bell waddled excitedly to the little brown box . She picked it up and put it on the table . As the box was still tweeting she opened the box and had the prettiest smile on her face . It was a little whittle baby robin . Bell expressed it with a , ' OH - MY - GOSH ! ' Bell was so happy , ' oh , what should I name it Papa ? ' ' It 's up to you Bell , ' said her dad . Bell thought long and hard about what to name her new baby bird . Then she got it . ' I 'll call you Wingy ! ' Wingy and Bell spent so much time together , and Bell loved Wingy a lot . ' Wingy , ' she said , ' you 're a great pet and I love you . ' Wingy replied back with a ' Squee Squeek ! ' and Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Metallic Guitar By Carmine , One day Tony and I were sitting in his room playing on his guitar . He had a red explorer with a diamond steel cover . Tony was 21 years old . His guitar was about 13 years old . There were 2 other guitars in his room , if you included his air guitar . His amp was a Fender 95 Watt Frontman . Tony lived in New York his entire life . He lived to the east of New York City . He had a small , one storey house because that was all he could afford . Tony 's friend 's house was about two and a half miles away , so he had to drive to get there . Tony would always try to find gigs to play . He always tried to find inside concerts during the winter and usually got outside shows in summertime . When he stopped playing his phone rang . He picked it up and it was his manager telling him that his show was canceled . ' You gotta be kidding me ! ' Tony screamed , ' that was our only chance to perform for a record producer ! ' ' I 'm sorry , Tony , but the owner of the stage found someone he liked better , ' his manager pleaded . After the call , he played for so long that two of his guitar strings broke , one cutting his hand . He drove down to a local guitar shop to buy strings when the store intercom came on . ' We have a new , one of a kind , electric guitar coming in within the next week . ' Tony started thinking . His guitar was getting old , so he thought about buying this new guitar . When Tony got home , about an hour later , he counted up his money and had the perfect amount to buy it . He excitedly called his band to tell them about his soon to be new guitar . The next week his door bell rang and it was a delivery guy with his guitar . Tony stood there and said , ' Thank you , ' at least a thousand times . The delivery guy was creeped out so he got his signature for the guitar and left . Tony brought it inside to open it . Tony was amazingly excited . He looked like a little kid on Christmas morning . When he opened it , the guitar was amazing . It was shaped like the profile of a beautifully dreadful skull and crossbones . The only disappointing thing was that it sounded likeClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing To My Dearest Friend One day in the spring , many players were preparing for the new baseball season , but none like Bobby . Bobby was a shy kid with good grades , but when baseball time rolled around , he got very excited . Even in the winter he had dreams of being a star player , leading championship teams , and making incredible plays and now he worked to make those dreams true . Bobby wanted to make the team so badly in the days before the tryouts he would wear his baseball uniform all day . He also invited his best friend Seth to help prepare for the tryouts . They practiced and practiced and practiced until they were called in for dinner each day from dawn to dusk , and living in Phoenix , the heat made it harder . But it didn 't stop at that , they talked about strategies until finally Bobby 's parents made Seth go home . On the day of the tryouts it was an unseasonably hot 100 degrees in the shade but the shade was nowhere to be found . The coach understood the limits of the human body but it seemed none if the boys enjoyed his style . ' Come on guys , hustle , ' seemed to be his favorite catch phrase . Bobby started to lose it and just wanted to leave , but he knew he had to keep going , and as if his chances weren 't small enough , the best player on the team , Joe , played the same position as him . ' I will post the guys who made it tomorrow in the dugout , ' stated Coach . ' Finally , we can go home , ' gasped Bobby . In the morning Bobby just wanted to sleep but dragged himself to the ballpark only to find he didn 't make the team . He was crushed . ' Why didn 't I make it ? I caught , I threw , and I hit ? Isn 't that what you do in baseball ? ' ' Maybe there was someone that the coach wanted and didn 't see it in you ' , his mom suggested . Bobby didn 't like the fact that after all that work there was someone that played better than him . ' You should just work harder the next time and try your best , ' said his mom . Throughout the year all Bobby could hear was how good the team was doing and that he needed to try harder the next time , he was ready to puke . He didn 't want to talk about By Kate , 13 In a faraway palace where no one would ever know is a boy and girl named Ricky and Sophia . They both are brother and sister and each other 's best friend . Everyday they would both travel around there enormous size kingdom . Their parents Maya and Bill both work during the day and the children only go to school early in the morning so they usually have the house to themselves . They have 1 dog and sometimes a nanny / maid but she never is around because she has her own room in the house which she spends most of her time in . It was 8 in the morning when Sophia heard their dog Mouse under her bed fighting with a noisy ' headache will it ever stop type of toy . ' Rick came into the room shouting BOO ! to his alarmed sister . In a second she fell out of her bed rolling all over her cold wood floor . Sophia said , ' That wasn 't polite of you . ' Knocking on the door the children ran down the lengthy wooden staircase wondering who would be up knocking on their door so early . They peeked through the tiny hole on the metal door and saw the newspaper boy standing in a t - shirt with a dorky saying on it ' my dog ate my homework leave me alone ' , a pair of dark shaded blue jeans that looked expensive , new sketcher shoes that had red and black stripes and a baseball team hat facing sideways . His total of his look was expensive and pricy . Still , banging on the door like an extremely impatient person Rick whispered to his little sister , ' 1 2 3 OPEN . ' Standing there like the impatient person he is walking into there house saying , ' Hey Sophia how you doing ? Want to catch a movie this afternoon ? ' The not so surprised look on Sophia 's face was pleasing to Rick . The joyful boy went striding into the kitchen finding a couple of dollars to pay the rich , impatient kid . Sophia started to say , ' I 'm too young to go on a date especially with you . ' The kid stared at her with a nasty look on his perfect face . ' Here 's the money , Franklin , ' Rick uttered . ' It 's Frank , not Franklin , ' he ordered . As they all paced toward the front door Frank winked at Sophia giving herClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Auduron It was a fine day , Klieg was running through the streets to his favorite , maybe only friend , Mr . Jeefas and his store where he would spend his money he got from helping with his dad . On his way he ran into a scroll hung on the store wall . He wasn 't one of the rich boys who can afford school , so he couldn 't read . He asked one of the rich boys , which he didn 't really get along with . ' I don 't think poor farm boys should be able to know what this says . This is for the people of my class only and for the finest future wizards , who will be attending this camp and from then I will take my father 's place and become the wizard of Auduron . ' I pretty much found out all I needed so I continued my journey to Mr . Jeefas 's store . ' Top of the mornin ' to ya , Klieg . ' ' Hello Mr . Jeefas . ' ' I 've saved the best for you partna . Here you go the largest box of licorice for the future wizard of Auduron eh ? ' ' Thank you Jeefas , by the way , about the scroll outside , when will all this take place ? ' ' Well , the wizard camp always starts at the beginning of October in the middle of the Slonar forest . I really don 't recommend going unless you think you 're up for long , cold nights in the middle of the forest and besides , if you do go you 'll be gone for two years , who will I be saving my largest box of licorice for ? ' ' Oh Mr . Jeefas don 't be sad , I will be back before you know it . ' ' You 're right son , on you go . ' With that he went back in his shop as though nothing happened . Later , at camp . ' You 're only here because you have the skills of the finest wizards . At camp we do not tolerate low self esteem and we absolutely do not tolerate run - aways , which means there is no sneaking off at night , or in the day time for that matter . I 'm sure everyone here has been to school and very much like school , we also have rules . ' What if we didn 't go to school , huh , what then ? ' Kleigg whispered quietly . ' Our rules include , no use of magic outside of school until you reach 23 years of age . We will have you pledge that you will never use magic for any use other than defense or in By Allison , Deep in lush green mountains , a small lake was nestled in the Maple Forest . The lake reflected the rays of the setting sun , causing brilliant , white lights to dance across the surface . Sapphire and ruby colored tulips were scattered around the edge of the lake in patches of baby 's breath . Great , monstrous oaks shaded the forest floor leaving the sunlight to find the small cracks to the ground . The trees bulky roots broke up through the forest floor , and tunneled back into the earth . Next to the lake , a cluster of boulders formed a cool , spacious cave . Moss crept up the sides of the cavern , covering it in a blanket of green . Sitting in the entrance of the cave , there was a small , gray - black cat . Her mischievous green eyes scanned the surrounding forest , looking for something that was not there . Misty , the young cat , was lonely , for there were no other cats that she could play with . Everyday , she dreamed about what it would be like if she had a friend . One morning she had had enough ! She decided to go into the forest , a land she had never ventured into . Misty gathered the few belongings that were necessary for her everyday life and set out on a journey . She knew she would soon return , except next time when she saw her cavern , she would see it with a new friend . When the sun was high in the sky , she headed up the stream and into the dense undergrowth of the forest . After what seemed like hours on end , she stopped . A rustling in the leaves above woke her from her imagination . A yellow tail dropped from a branch . The tail sank lower and lower until it dropped with a thud on the forest floor . What Misty had thought was a tail was actually a long , yellow snake with black stripes running down the side . ' Hello , who are you ? My name is Slinky , ' the snake hissed , ' what brings you to my part of the forest ? ' Slinky seemed friendly enough , even though his cold , unblinking eyes stared up at her - chilling her bones . ' My name is Misty , ' she replied warily , ' I 'm looking for other cats to be friends with . ' She was hesitanClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Sam the Polar Bear In a vast , cold world there lived a small curious polar bear named Sam . He had a hard - working father who was very rich and powerful . Sam had two friends , Derek and Matt . Sam and his dad lived in the bustling Snow York City . There were many tall and prominent skyscrapers amongst them and at night no one seemed to sleep . One day , Sam 's dad took him to work with him because it was Bring Your Cub to Work Day . Sam was fascinated by how fun it seemed to drive . When they got to his dad 's huge office , Sam admired every bit . Inside , there was a TV , a computer , a desk and a couch . They spent the entire day watching TV , lounging on the couch , and playing on the computer . Then when their day was over , Sam 's dad said , ' Son , if you work hard to own an immense and wealthy business , you will be able to choose what you want to do and will earn lots of money . ' Sam kept that in his mind all day thinking about how great it would be to grow up . The next day his dad gave him money to go buy something at the toy store . When he reached Snowmart , he entered and scanned all of the aisles . Just when Sam was about to leave , the shopkeeper , George , stopped him . ' We just received something today that may be to your liking , ' he said . ' What is it ? ' Sam asked . ' Just wait here , ' he replied . So he went into the back warehouse to retrieve the special item . When he came back he had a box that said Time Machine : Special Edition ! Sam was very excited about what this box contained and bought it immediately with the $ 500 his dad had given him . Then he dashed home to open it . When he got home he ripped open the box and all of the items fell to the ground . He rushed to build the fantastic device without even reading the instructions . In just a few hours the contraption was built . When he turned it on , all sorts of noises and colors exploded into the room . Without thinking he entered and set the machine to 30 years in the future . The machine disappeared with a ' pop ' and there was no sign that he was gone . Later that day , his friends and dad realized that he wasBy Tiana , 14 Puss was a young octopus who called the big blue Pacific Ocean her home . She had grown up on a small yet successful shellfish farm . Never leaving the protection of her home and father , she was nervous for the start of fall . Puss was getting ready for her first day of school . She had gone to the corner store and picked out a frilly pink backpack that would carry all of her supplies . Packing her things , she changed her color to a seafoam green with a tinge of blue on the side . Puss was super - duper nervous and went to her ' wise ' father for words of advice . Papa Octopus smiled and said , ' If you never experience the first day of school , you will never have the joy of being their meeting your teacher and friends . ' Puss sighed and put shoes on six of her eight tentacles . She grabbed a crab cake for breakfast before she scurried to the door and closed it gently behind her . On the way to the submarine that served as a bus , Puss felt scared that she would not be accepted , and she knew she would miss Papa terribly . Puss took a deep breath and screamed to the barren coral covered street , ' I wanna go HOME ! ! ' Sadly , Puss knew no one could hear her , because the road she was on was deserted . She broke down and started to cry . Moments later , a big yellow submarine showed up at the stop and halted right in front of her . Puss boarded with a grim expression on her face . Anyway , she knew her father was right ; Puss had to go to school and brave through the day . The next challenge was to find a seat on the bus . ' Ugh , ' Puss thought smugly , as she sat next to a weird green lizard thing . It had a weird helmet on it 's head and had quite a group of choppers . The animal replied , ' Hi , I 'm Nigel , ' in a nasally voice , ' what 's your name , friend ? ' Puss tried not to laugh at the squeaky voice of this ferocious , beastly looking creature . ' Have we met ? ' said a cruel voice behind them , ' because I thought I saw you all in the circus act last month ! ! ' The submarine exploded with laughter , and Puss felt sorry for the poor Nigel fellow . Seconds later she reBy Carolyn , 14 The wind weaved softly through the Serengeti in Eastern Africa . Clouds covered the moon . The stars , aware of the special occasion , sparkled and celebrated above and in a cave on a cliff overlooking the whole of the Serengeti , a prince was born . The prince 's name was Leo and Leo just happened to be a lion cub . Leo grew to be a child , raised by his parents , the king and queen of all of the animals of the Serengeti . His bright blue eyes were always curious and observant of the world around him . But although Leo was smart and clever , he was the tiniest one of all the lions . Ever since birth , Leo was made fun of for being small and he was tired of it . Then there was Dustin . Dustin was the child of the most ferocious lions in the Serengeti , Jardo and Meetra . Dustin was the leader of a gang of other vicious lion cubs . Dustin and his posse bullied Leo , teasing him about his size at every chance they got . Leo was too timid to stand up to Dustin , so he ran home every time the group approached him . His father , the king of the Serengeti , was no help . ' You must be brave Leo , ' Leo 's father boomed , ' a prince must be brave . ' ' But , Papa , ' whined Leo , ' I am too shy ! ' ' You must prepare to be king , Leo . If you do not want to rule the animals of the Serengeti , I 'm sure one of your cousins would love to take over your position . You must be brave ! Do you understand me Leo ? ' ' Yes , Papa , ' Leo murmured . It was hopeless . He would never convince his father that he was too shy , even to fight back with powerful words and with that , Leo set off to seek advice from his one and only friend , Boris the Boar . Boris the Boar was a very old , very wise wild boar . He , like all other animals in the Serengeti , was under the rule of the king and queen . He lived in a hollow tree , protected from the scorching sun . Boris was a chocolate brown color speckled with gray , had a dangling tail and many wrinkles covering his broad face . He enjoyed Leo 's company very much , and took pleasure in passing on advice and stories to the young cub . So when he heard a knock on hisClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Runaway Journey ' Get outside , I don 't want anymore lip from you mister . Now rake those leaves . Don 't come back in until you 're finished . Don 't forget to do a good job or you won 't get your two dollars pay for the week , ' yelled Mr . Whitaker . ' You can 't treat him so rough , ' said a medium height dark haired woman named Mrs . Whitaker . ' I know , but I 'm just trying to get him ready for the real world , ' said a tall stout man . It was Mr . Whitaker , who was yelling at the young boy who was still outside . That young boy was 12 year old Freddy Whitaker . Life 's been tough for him since he turned 12 because he has been doing a lot more work around their little farm . Freddy 's mother was out of work and the family was barely making do on Mr . Whitaker $ 600 a month salary . It was the early 60 's , so finding a decent job was hard to do in rural Maine . Freddy 's story doesn 't start here , it starts when he finds a flyer to for a very cruel carnival but he doesn 't know it yet . A couple of days later , while sweeping the porch , Freddy came across a flyer . He picked it up and started reading it as he sat on the porch . ' Bye son , don 't forget to take the trash out and finish cleaning your room , oh here 's five bills go get some bread and milk sometime today , alright ? ' said his parents driving away . ' Huh ! Gosh I hate them ! Why are they so mean ? I wish I could find a new home . ' Freddy went back to reading the flyer . It read , ' Magnificent Carnival NEED performers open to all comers , adults and kids alike . ' ' I wish I could go , but I will never get my shot . This stinks . ' Freddy grabbed his bike from the garage , put the money in his pocket , and rode off to the market . At the market , he got the bread and the milk then went to the clerk . He paid and realized he had two dollars left so he bought a cola and a couple of candy bars . When he got home he ate the candy bars , eating them so fast and drank the soda so quick that he got a stomach ache and became so sick that he fell asleep . He woke up a few hours later . The blue sky had darkened to a deep orange red and the sun wClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The King 's Loss Once , a long time ago there was a king who was the most magnificent king of the land , Grimles . He had the most vibrant red cape embodied with small white diamonds . His crown was pure gold with a giant red ruby implanted to the crown . He had the most beloved wife Isabel , and his courageous son Leo . As powerful and intimidating as he was , he still had enemies . As numerous as his enemies were though , they still failed to defeat him . ' So , we are having a family dinner tonight . Finally away from all the others , ' said Isabel . ' Yes ' , said Grimles . Grimles set off to prepare his army after hours of training his new archer team , ' We are ready to fight , ' said Grimles . ' Thank you King ' , said Onue , the head archer , as he bowed . His melee team was ready for they had been experienced for three years now . Suddenly a messenger came . ' I carry a message from the new dark emperor , Enu , he says he challenges your power with a war starting tomorrow , be ready ! ' As the archer rode away Grimles shouted , ' Kill him , kill him now ! ' Onue shot a piercing arrow straight into the messenger . He fell over dead as his horse ran away . Grimles smiled as he walked off , his army was ready . Grimles got home late and found his wife sitting on the chair . ' You forgot again . You are so caught up with this war , ' said Isabel . ' I am sorry it will not happen again . It is just that we had to train for hours because a new emperor , Enu , proposed a threat against us , ' said Grimles . ' Do not let it happen again ! ' said Isabel . They went away to bed . When Grimles woke he found Roku , melee battle master , standing over him . ' Enu 's army is approaching , ' said Roku . Grimles got up and prepared as fast as he could . He ran out to the towers and looked over the edge . ' No , this is horrible ! ' yelled Grimles . ' Prepare for battle ! ' shouted Grimles . Their army quickly prepared and got into stance . ' Wait , wait , FIRE ! ' The archers shot . Lots went down but they still came . ' Keep going , they are still coming . ' They were now around twenty yards away . ' Melee , attack . ' They rushed them . It was a long hard bClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Everyone Can Skateboard Jerry , the lizard , and his five other friends , have been noticing the kids in the neighborhood skateboard . They always wanted to try and skateboard , although the kids would never let them . Everyone was tired of sitting around in the desert , they just wanted to get out and play . But , they couldn 't do anything , because the kids would chase them away . You could say this was to be Jerry 's lucky day . Tom the mouse , Jerry the lizard , Henry the rat , Sunny the snake , Chuck the chuckwalla , and Luke the chipmunk would have a day to try and skateboard . Tom and Jerry would have the middle , Luke and Henry would be at the tail and Sunny and Chuck would be at the nose of the board . This will be the day they try and skateboard . They walked into the street and began having a nervous breakdown . ' What happens if a car runs us over ? What happens if someone HITS US ! ' exclaimed Jerry . When they tried skateboarding , all the kids in the neighborhood were making fun of them . Jerry and all of his friends were getting frustrated because none of their feet could touch the ground so they couldn 't push . No one ever gave up . The group tried and tried to find a way to start skateboarding , but they just couldn 't . Everyone decided to go home and try again tomorrow . ' Come on guys , it was our first time , well get it sooner or later ' , murmured Henry . The next morning everyone woke up early to continue trying to skateboard . ' Rise and shine ' , silently yelled Tom . Once they got outside they looked for something to push . Jerry picked up a stick and tried to push with that . It worked , now they could finally move . Jerry and Henry pushed with a stick on one side , Tom and Chuck pushed on the other side , Luke was on the tail . and Sunny is on the nose . All of them were excited because they could finally push . They were going fast down a hill and they forgot that they had no way to stop . Jerry put the stick against the ground to try to slow the board down and SNAP , the stick broke . ' OH MY GOSH ! ' , exclaimed Luke . ' I don 't want to die ! ' shouted Henry . Now the stick was bClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Rufus 's Wild Adventure In a suburban neighborhood in western Phoenix there was a dog named Rufus . Rufus lived with a family that didn 't pay much attention to him at all but Rufus loved them anyway . There was Sally the youngest she was eight years old and very spoiled . Then there was David he was a fourteen year old that was very independent and was very rude to Rufus , always blaming him for things that Rufus didn 't do . Mom and dad bought Rufus about a year ago for Sally 's eighth birthday but she did not approve of Rufus because he was not the dog that she wanted , so she neglected him . Rufus didn 't really mind that much that his family didn 't pay that much attention to him , so instead he paid attention to them . Rufus was a brown spotted dog with black fur . Rufus woke up to a beautiful sunny morning , and went downstairs to greet the empty kitchen . Rufus then made his way down to his doggy door . He would go and check on a small bird 's nest that laid safely on a tree branch . But instead of seeing three little eggs he saw three little blue birdies chirping for their mother . Rufus looked up into the blue morning sky and saw no sign of the three bird 's mother After Rufus waited , keeping watch on the birds the mother came back with food . Rufus then realized he hadn 't eaten this morning so he started toward the house . When he reached the house he expected to see his family at the breakfast table , but instead he saw an empty kitchen . Rufus saw that no one had filled his dish . Rufus started outside after to see if they had gone out in the front yard , but they were not there either . Rufus then picked up a scent in the light breeze , it made his mouth drool . He stuck his nose in the air as far as he could reach it and followed the sent . When he thought he was close , the scent would drift farther . It seemed like forever when suddenly Rufus saw a cat that he had meet before . The cat 's name was Sammy , and earlier in that year Sammy dug through the neighbor 's garbage can , and made a huge mess . Later , some of the garbage 's trash ended up on the front yarBy Sara , 13 One dark and gloomy day in Magical Fairy Llama Land , I , just a simple civilian blue bird , was flying around minding my own . . . WHACK ! ' Get out of my way , ' Pencris yelled at me , obviously Pencris was in a VERY bad mood ! Beebir is his name , flapping my wing is his game . Beebir is a high ranked bird of Crispen 's royal court . Crispen , is the prince of Magical Fairy Llama Land . This place is called Magical Fairy Llama Land because the rulers are llamas . Pencris is Crispen 's evil twin brother . Beebir flew up to the window of Crispen 's court room , where he sat on his throne . ' What are we going to do , Crispen ? Your brother is picking on all our little Magical Fairy Llama Land civilians , this cannot continue ! ' A dark green fairy llama known as Mammoo said out loud . Mammoo was a royal hoof shine llama boy . ' Just let him do as he pleases , he will get bored after a little while , ' Crispen sighed , with anger . ' Mammoo , fetch me my slippers , I 'm getting cozy ! ' Crispen yelled . Crispen is in a very bad mood . It all started in second grade ; Pencris wasn 't a really popular llama . He would always get teased , and each day when he would come home he would cry . Beebir was his only friend and after the second grade Halloween party he HATED him . What happened was that we were all playing a game when the teacher told us to pick a partner ; Beebir didn 't pick him and he got furious ! Ever since that day he became the bully ; the one person everyone was afraid of . One time he purposely spilled his milk carton on Jill Simone just for the fun of it ! Well anyway to sum it all up , Pencris is always angry and is always looking for reasons to yell at someone . Unfortunately , the only one who he is ever with is Tortellini . Even though she is dark and mean just like him , she likes to be funny and random , which is the reason why he is always yelling at her . Tortellini is a dark blue fairy with a black dress and shoes . Though she looks nice she is truly a mean little fairy ! Tortellini was the one that gave Pencris all of his evil ideas , though she had a crush oClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Crash As I lay there in what felt like eternity in a dreamless sleep , having no idea which way is up , having no idea where I was or why I could not move or what was going on , I thought to myself , ' Was I dead ? Is that why I would not move , not even open my eyes ? Yes I guess this is it , I am dead . So this is what death is like ? No , I can 't be dead . I need to get back to Mary and the baby . I will never get to see my baby son or my wife again . ' Then I wondered what happened to the rest of the crew , are they still alive ? They would take me back to my family and the thought of them being dead drove me crazy . I don 't think like that , maybe I am not dead , maybe everything is ok , maybe I am fine , and maybe it 's all just a dream . But I knew that I was indeed dead and most likely so were the rest of the crew . So then I started thinking about the crash . It all happened so fast , it just felt like a blur . Something must have gone wrong , but what ? This planet was different and it had a very strong gravitational pull and when we got caught up in the planet 's orbit , it sucked us in and we couldn 't stop it , we were doomed and now we 're all dead . So all I could do was think , think about everything , everything I have ever done , all the things that I didn 't do in life , all the things I did wrong . There was so much , I didn 't want to think about it , but what else could I do ? This was a really stupid way to die from a crash on an unknown planet . My family will never get to see me again . At that point I just wanted it all to stop ; I wanted to be dead , I wanted it all to be over . And as time passed I fell into a dreamless sleep . I laid there in the blankness and then I heard something ! But how can I hear anything ? I was dead , and so was everyone else . There was nothing to be heard . What is that noise ? I thought it sounded like a space shuttle , maybe a spaceship was coming to save us and then it sounded like it was landing , was I crazy ? Were people coming to save us ? Maybe I wasn 't dead , maybe I have a chance to live and see my family ! All my hope wenBy Katie , 13 It was a chilly , stormy , December day in northern Arizona . Dylan was bored out of his mind while his mom got ready to go to the grocery store . Dylan was 10 years old and had brown hair . He was short for his age , but he stood out and had a curious personality . Dylan jumped off the couch as his mom came out of her bedroom , ' Make sure you let no one in this house while I 'm gone sweetie . ' ' Ok Mom , ' Dylan yelled back . There was nothing to do in the old fashioned home . The whole house was a boring plain white color . There were only three bedrooms and it was very small . Dylan wished he could have gone outside , but he couldn 't . When his mom left he turned the T . V . on loud and watched some cartoons . As Dylan was flipping through the channels he came across a golf tournament that was being held . That 's how he got the brilliant idea of setting up his own miniature golf course in the house . ' This is going to be great , ' Dylan said to himself . Dylan started in the back hall and ended in the kitchen . He set up chairs , blankets and blockages to make the course more interesting . While he was getting his miniature clubs he was very ecstatic to play . Dylan was doing great as he came to the seventh hole in the dining area . As Dylan lifted the club to his neck to swing , he was in trouble . When he swung the club around to hit the ball , the club went flying across the room and straight into the china set . Dylan stood there in shock . He walked over to the china set and saw all of his mom 's favorite dishes broken in pieces . ' Oh , great . I am in so much trouble ! ' Dylan said aloud , ' what am I going to do ? ' Dylan sat on the couch . He came up with many excuses . He looked over at the back door as his dog came through the little opening soaking wet from the rain . Dylan thought he could get away with blaming it on the dog . He would say that the dog ran right into the china set and knocked everything over . Dylan felt guilty about what he was going to do , but he still didn 't want to get in trouble . When Dylan heard the garage door open he got extremely nBy Cheyenne & Grace , 13 Once upon a time there was an island off the coast of Looseland , called Gooseland . The land of Gooseland was a beautiful island . There were forests with trees as green as moss , sandy beaches with sand as fine as flour , and mountains as tall as sky scrapers . Gooseland contained over one hundred geese and only one moose , Floose . This moose was different than all of the geese . He wasn 't white , feathery , or small . He was brown , furry , and tall ! Being a brown moose named Floose , made him stand out from the rest of the geese . None of the other geese accepted Floose , except for a goose named Sloose . Sloose was teensy - weensy , feathery and white , and looked quite different from the moose named Floose . ' Sloose , ' announced Floose , ' I want to be like all of the other geese on the island ! ' ' Silly goose , you moose , ' exclaimed Sloose , ' it 's a good thing to be different . ' ' But . . but I don 't want to be different ; I want to be a goose ! ' whined Floose . ' Floose you can 't be a goose , your brown and we 're white , ' Sloose explained . ' Well , how do I become white like you , Sloose ? ' begged Floose . ' Follow me , I have an idea ! ' They strolled down Gooseberry Lane to Sloose 's house . As they reached the front door , Floose noticed the brilliant architecture . The house was shaped like a goose , and had every little detail possible . The door swung open , Sloose led Floose towards the kitchen . Sloose reached into his cabinet , and pulled out a gallon of white paint , that was placed next to a box of feathers and Halloween costumes . Floose had no idea what Sloose was going to do , until he pulled out a paint brush . Sloose dipped the paintbrush into the pale white paint , and started painting Floose . The paint was so cold , Floose jumped high into the sky . When Sloose was finished , the moose wanted to see if he actually looked like a goose , so he trotted outside . Once the geese saw Floose their jaws dropped as if they had seen a monster . Floose the moose looked nothing like a goose or a moose . He ran into the house , not knowing what the geClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Dylan and The Bullies Dylan is 14 years old and has brown hair , blue eyes , with geeky glasses and he wasn 't the best looking kid , but he was very intelligent . He told his mom in the car , ' I don 't want to go to school . ' Freshmen year was about to start and poor Dylan didn 't have any friends . Dylan got to class early , to get a seat in the back where the popular kids would usually sit . He said to himself , ' I know I shouldn 't sit back here , but oh well . ' As the bell rang everyone started to come in . The popular kids , who are mean and rude to all students classified as anything but popular , demanded Dylan to move . Dylan did what they said instantly . Dylan went home and ran straight to his bedroom His mom walked in and saw that Dylan was crying . She asked what was wrong and sat on the bed next to him . He exclaimed , ' The popular kids yelled at me today . ' His mom sighed and said , ' None of this is your fault . ' Dylan replied , ' Yes it is , I knew not to sit in the back and I knew that since I 'm so ugly and so much smarter than they are that they would do this to me . ' ' No , none of this your fault , ' replied his mom . Dylan finally stopped crying and went down for dinner . When he arrived at the table , he was pleasantly surprised by the aroma of the meatloaf . ' Yum , meatloaf ! ' he exclaimed . ' Yes , I hope you 're hungry because your dad won 't be coming home tonight , ' his mom said . Dylan got up and went to the bathroom to wash up . As he did he looked in the mirror , and thought , ' Why can 't I be handsome and popular ? ' Dylan then decided to go to the barber shop . His mom asked him , ' Is this really what you want ? ' He told her , ' Yes , this is what I really want . ' She said , ' Okay . ' When he got there the man asked ' What would you like to do with your hair ? ' He replied , ' I have no idea . I just don 't want this hair anymore . ' The man said , ' Okay . ' ' Would you like to dye your hair today ? ' the man questioned . Dylan took a deep breath and thought about it . ' No , I think I will be fine , ' he answered . When the man was done Dylan went immediately to the eye doctor to get contacts . After thatBy Aaron , 14 It was the middle of winter in Loveland , Colorado . Children were playing , parents were having fun , and dogs were barking with glee . Everyone seemed to be happy , but a lonely beagle named Buddy . He was lying at home atop their living room couch , watching the local nine o ' clock news . He almost always felt sorrow for the people who had been hurt , but today he couldn 't focus on it . He couldn 't get his mind off a certain joy that he longed for , a joy he wished he could have . He lumbered off the couch to take a leisurely walk . He noticed a peculiar joy in the air , a joy that he longed to feel . He set off into town , walking down the mountainous , winding road passing the market . He took a left as he usually does but came to a stop at his owner 's butcher 's shop . He peered in the door and saw his owner , Mr . Blueham . Mr . Blueham was a plump old man , with a beard that needed trimming . Buddy stood there for only a couple seconds , but that was long enough . He wished he could find a family that cared about him , or at least an owner that did . He kept on walking , passing happy families with their dogs . He tried to picture himself with them , but couldn 't . How he longed for a happy family . Buddy passed the mailman , who he normally chased , he passed the policeman and gave his usual bark , and he passed the mayor , who gave him a pat on the back . He strolled into the town 's park and laid down on the grass . Buddy rolled onto his back so he could feel the warmth of the sun on his belly . It was starting to get dark before Buddy finally made his way home . Not wanting to be there , he took the long route back . He paused at the screen door before scratching . ' What do you want ? ! ' asked Mr . Blueham . Buddy replied by giving a light howl . ' Oh , keep quiet , ' snarled Mr . Blueham , ' I 'll be there in a minute . ' After a few minutes Mr . Blueham waddled to the door . He gave Buddy a stern look , but kept quiet . Buddy , not feeling like eating , walked into his bed and laid down for a night 's rest . He woke up to the unpleasant sound of a truck 's horn . Lethargically , Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Ping the Friendly Dragon Long ago in China during the Shang Dynasty , there lived a dragon . This dragon 's name was Ping and Ping had beautiful scales of green with long whiskers as shiny as gold . He flew gracefully in the sky as if he could walk on clouds . Ping lived in a mountain top cave overlooking a vast forest of shrubs , grass , and bamboo . The cave he lived in had an enormous pile of sparkling jewels that he inherited from his grandpa when he past away over 50 years ago . Every morning from that day , he would fly to a plain and indulge himself in a delicious tasting panda . Ping was starting to get bored with his same old life , although he had lots of gold and lots of food . He needed something else ! One day , as he flew over his forest in search of panda meat , he saw two pandas eating together . These pandas had black and white spots that looked as if they had been splattered with paint . Ping stealthily crept up behind them , and was about to eat them when he saw something he had never seen before . The two pandas were talking to each other and sharing food and being friendly to each other . As Ping watched them , he began to feel sad . Without eating the Pandas , he returned to his cave to ponder . Sitting on his enormous pile of gold , silver , and jewels , Ping realized something . He had lots of money and lots of food , but no one to share it with . Ping needed a friend . This friend could not be a dragon because dragons hate each other , and could not be an animal , because he might get hungry . Therefore , his new friend would have to be a human . Ping set off on a journey to find a friend . He flew away from his cave immediately . On his way he saw a farm full of rice and barley . His stomach rumbled with hunger from flying for over three hours , and he wanted to go down there and gobble the whole field up . ' No , I can 't do that , ' thought Ping , ' it would be wrong . These people work hard for their food . If I eat their food then they will hate me and I will never have any friends . ' About half an hour later he spotted some lunch . It was a run away horse that waClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Red Balloon When we were young , we often wondered about the simple things in life . We feared the spaghetti we ate was really a plate of worms . We pondered how the characters on TV got by living in such a small , confined box . We dreamed of what happened to the balloons people let go of at the state fair . Did they drift up into space and linger in the nothingness for all eternity ? Were they all caught up in high trees being pecked at by sparrows ? No one really knew , but oh , how this fascinated us . ' Mommy look , a Ferris Wheel ! Can we go ride mommy ? Please ? ' A four year old boy shrieked to his mom . ' Maybe later , right now we should get something to eat , ' replied his mother . Walking through the carnival grounds , the boy had one hand wrapped around his mother 's finger and the other clasping a thin white string . Tied to the end of the string was a brilliant red balloon , blown to maximum capacity , latex shining in the midday sun . Something caught the boy 's eye ; a friendly cotton candy vendor smiling in his direction . With a sudden hunger for sugar and sweetness , he slipped away from his mother and ran as fast as his little legs could carry him over to the stand . In all the excitement , he disregarded the empty popcorn box on the ground and stumbled over it , letting go of his precious balloon and falling face first into the dust . Frantic , he helped himself up and began to yell . ' Mommy ! Mommy my balloon ! Catch it , catch it ! ' It was too late . The balloon had floated out of sight and not even the man on stilts could catch it . Winds blew westward , and after a long , dreary day , the balloon saw lights up ahead . Flickering signs topped glamorous buildings and replicas of world wonders lit up the evening sky . Traffic bustled in the streets below and the honking horns drowned out all music . Narrowly avoiding countless casino spotlights , the balloon left the sparkling city and continued on its journey . Darkness burst into daylight and the sun arose sleepily , awakening the rooster sitting on its perch . The balloon looked downward as fingers of goldClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Pumpkin Who Cried Pookie Once in a land over the river and through the woods , the pudgy prosperous people of Pumpkinopolis lived . They lived regular lives going to work and spending time with families . What was so special about these people ? Well , first they were not regular humans like you and me . They had a head , legs and arms but instead of a regular middle they had a pumpkin that was personalized with their names . This is how everyone knew each other and lived in harmony . The people lived in a small , quaint village nestled in the woods beneath a giant hill . On top of the hill was a magnificent castle with turrets and banners and carvings and more . Can you guess who lives there ? The Pumpkin People lived under the kind rule of the Royal Pumpkin Family . There was Peter Pumpkin , the wise and thoughtful king ; Petunia Pumpkin the sweet and motherly queen , who saw the citizens of Pumpkinopolis as her children ; Polly Pumpkin the wonderful and beautiful princess , who caused many male pumpkin 's hearts to beat faster when she walked by . Finally , there was Paul Pumpkin , the prince . Paul . . . he was the one thing that everyone could not stand . Paul was bossy , mean and cruel . But the worst thing about Paul was his tricks . Paul would lie and trick people constantly and that was what made him unbearable . Now , like every royal family there is always a royal pet . In this case , it was Pookie Pumpkin the royal bear . Pookie had been living in the castle since he was a cub . When he was rescued from the wrath of a squash bolf ( wolf - bear ) he came to the castle and was there ever since . Pookie was kind , cute , playful , and protective . But , Pookie never got over his childhood incident and was deathly afraid of squash bolfs . Now , the last thing about Pumpkinopolis was that they loved Halloween . It was the one time of the year when the people of Pumpkinopolis celebrated their lives and existence . Halloween was so important it was almost religious . The people cooked , decorated and on the night of Halloween , everyone would come to the castle for a grand feast where theClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Big Challenge There I was , heading to camp Pali . I know the camp is fun because I have been there 2 other times . At this camp they have around 30 different specialities including Secret Agent camp , Hollywood stunts , water sports and a whole lot more . My name is Josh and I am going with my friend Aidan . When we finally arrive at camp everyone is extremely happy to see many familiar faces . Everyone was so happy that we were saying stuff at the same time that I did not hear a word anyone was saying . The camp is surrounded by trees and the cities that we came from re not visible and are miles away . The camp was on Pali Mountain next to Running Springs , California and it was June 27 , 2007 . After we got our cabin numbers we went and put our bags next to our bunk beds . Once we got settled in we met our cabin counsellors . Every counsellor has a fake name and our counsellors names were Yogi Bear and Bomber . We went to the lake to hang out and see if there were any fish . The lake was huge . We were there for a couple of hours . The whole time we were there we skipped rocks . Aidan got the rock to skip the most . The next morning we set out on a hike into the wilderness . This was a part of the special ops camp . The part of this hike that we had to succeed in was getting a counsellor back to camp . The counsellor pretended to be hurt and we had to put him on a stretcher and carry him back to camp . The hard part was that we had to defend ourselves from people who would attack us with paintball guns . The next morning someone in our group was attacked by the people trying to stop us . The group was getting very angry and people were starting to argue . It was getting dark and the group started turning on their lanterns . Half the group stayed with the counsellor . The other half kept watch in case the people with paintball guns came back to attack us again . About twenty minutes later Aidan and I came running into camp yelling , ' They 're right behind us ! ' and ' They 're after us ! ' The group was in red alert ! Aidan and I grabbed our paintball guns and turneBy K . J . , 14 Once upon a time there were three little boys and their odd little selves . First , there was K . J . the strong , sweet , and handsome type . He had blue eyes , blonde hair , and a smile that could light up a room . Next , there was Chandler , the sensitive , caring , great one . He had brown hair , green eyes , and a great personality . Last , the trustworthy , nice , shy , giggly one , Augie . He had brown hair , blue eyes , and a small slender body . These three best friends lived in beautiful , sunny Phoenix , Arizona . On this particular day they were all at K . J . 's house hanging out playing ' Simpson 's Road Rage . ' Augie 's thirst was great and he needed a soda to quench it . He power walked downstairs to the basement before it was his next turn to play . He was just about to grab a Diet Dr . Pepper , ( he 's trying to keep his slender body ) when he caught a glimpse of something peculiar . He went to it and couldn 't believe his eyes ; it was a time machine . Chandler and K . J . were wondering what took Augie so long to get a simple soda . They crept down the stairs as they were going to give him a fright . They stepped up behind him and scared him so bad that he nearly jumped out of his pants . Shook and out of breath , Augie took a big swig of his soda and excitedly whispered , ' You 'll never guess what I found down here . ' He showed the boys the time machine and they went wild . After minutes of fighting , they finally arrived at when and what they would like to go back in time to see . K . J . thought of the idea . It was to go back to 1996 on the Las Vegas strip to save Tupac from his untimely death . They all rushed home , except K . J . of course , to pack for one of the best trips of their lives . Augie ran home and got two fresh pairs of underwear , some other clothes , his blankie , and some food . His mom asked what he was packing for . He lied to her saying he was sleeping over at K . J . 's house and he would be back in 2 days . Chandler packed mostly everything Augie did except for the blankie . Chandler brought his trustful Binky the Bear . He told his mom he was sleepingClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing The Kings Loss Once , a long time ago in a barren desert filled with wastes of many wars and victories , there was a king who was the most magnificent king of the land , Grimles . He had the most vibrant red cape embodied with small white diamonds . His crown was pure gold with a giant red ruby implanted to the crown . He had the most beloved wife Isabel , and his courageous son Leo . As powerful and intimidating as he was , he still had enemies . As numerous as his enemies were though , they still failed to defeat him . ' So we are having a family dinner tonight . Finally , away from all the others , ' enquired Isabel . ' Yes , ' answered Grimles . Grimles set off to prepare his army . After hours of training his new archer team , Grimles exclaimed , ' We are ready to fight . ' ' Thank you king , ' said Onue , the head archer , as he bowed . His melee , a close ground group that fought with swords , was ready for battle they have been experienced for three years now . Suddenly a messenger came . ' I carry a message from the new dark emperor , Enu . He challenges your power with a war starting tomorrow . Be ready ! ' As the archer rode away , ' Kill him , kill him now ! ' shouted Grimles . Onue shot a piercing arrow straight into the messenger . He fell over dead as his horse ran away . Grimles smiled as he walked off , his army was ready . Grimles got home late and found his wife sitting on a chair . ' You forgot again . You are so caught up with this war , ' stated Isabel angrily . ' I am sorry , it will not happen again . It is just that we had to train for hours because a new emperor , Enu , proposed a threat against us , ' Grimles explained . ' Do not let it happen again ! ' commanded Isabel . They went away to bed . When Grimles woke he found Roku , melee battle master , standing over him . ' Enu 's army is approaching , ' said Roku . Grimles got up and prepared as fast as he could . He ran out to the towers and looked over the edge . ' No , this is horrible ! ' yelled Grimles . ' Prepare for battle ! ' The army quickly prepared and got into stance . ' Wait , wait , FIRE , ' shouted Grimles . The archers shot . Many soldiers went down Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Alice the Hungry Alligator There once was a lonely alligator who lived in a lake at the edge of the Enchanted Rainbow Forest . She was not a very happy alligator and was always looking for something to eat . She hoped to one day find some kind of food that would make her happy . But she ate everything in the lake . She ate the birds , she ate the bees , she ate the frogs , she ate the logs but nothing made her happy . So one day she said , ' Hey ! I 'll go on a journey through the forest , to find that magical food . ' So off she went in search of this mystical food . She wandered around the edge of the lake , at the edge of the lake she met a turtle , ' Why hello there alligator , I 'm Timmy . ' ' Hello Timmy , I 'm looking for food and you look mighty tasty . ' ' Oh no alligator , you can 't eat me , my shell is too hard , your teeth are too soft , but I have something that I think you will love . ' So he worked his way slowly into the bushes . He came back with some leaves and berries . ' Here is a salad , it is my favourite food in the whole forest . ' Alice ate the salad in a single gulp , she still was not happy , so she walked away and got in the water . She swam through the lake , and when she got to the middle she saw a little orange fish . ' Hello there alligator , my name is Freddy . ' ' Why hello there Freddy , I 'm looking for some food and you look mighty tasty . ' ' Oh no alligator , you can 't eat me , my bones are too small , and they will get stuck in your throat . But I have something you will love to try . ' So the fish swam down to the bottom of the lake . He came back with a lobster . ' This is my favorite of all foods here in this lake . ' Alice ate the lobster , but she did not feel any happier . So she swam the rest of the way to the other end of the lake . She got out of the water and out by the bushes there was a fluffy white bunny . ' Hello alligator , my name is Bonny . ' ' Hello there Bonny , I 'm looking for some food and you look mighty tasty . ' ' Oh no alligator , you can 't eat me . My fur does not taste good and is hard to swallow . But I have something you can eat . ' The bunny scampered off into the forest . Click here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing Abella the Beautiful The forest surrounding me is enchanting , something I have never seen before . The flowers are colors of green , purple , pink and yellow and have the most delicious smell . The trees tower over me , with moss spreading around their bark . Deer , foxes , and rabbits are trotting across my path , as if they didn 't notice me standing there . ' Abella ' , shrieked a voice . I didn 't recognize the name , but I whipped my head around to see two abnormally small people gazing upward , smiling at me , ' Abella , where have you been ? ' ' We have been watching over you for many years my dear , but recently we have lost track of you , ' spoke the small girl . I look at them curiously , ' Where am I ? ' ' Well , The Twilight Forest of course . ' ' I 'd like to go home now . ' ' We 're afraid we can 't let you do that . ' Their smile is frightening and I can 't take it any longer . I turn around and run , hoping I can find a way back home . As I was running , I stopped at the sight of a glorious creature . The creature spoke to me , ' Oh dear child , are you alright ? You look like you 've seen a ghost ! ' I stared at her . She is so beautiful , her hair was the color of blood , her eyes remind me of an emerald , and her skin of porcelain . She was flawless . The woman scrutinizes me , ' You look quite alright , my dear . I am Amelia , Queen of Zotat , the Fey , and you my child are in my bright court . ' I looked at her to see that she was studying me . ' Pray tell , what is the Fey ? ' ' Darling , how can you not know what the Fey is ? It 's a fairy court . ' I stared at her for her silly response , fairy court . How childish . ' My , my , you are quite the beautiful one , ' Amelia quickly changed the subject . ' Thank you , ' I stammered . ' I saw you once as a baby , but I never imagined I would once see you like this . Your hair is a brilliant shade of black ; it highlights your shimmering green eyes . Your skin looks almost translucent , and is extremely beautiful . ' ' I thought fairies were supposed to be mean to things that aren 't their kind ? That 's how it is in books , ' I said all of a sudden , jumping back to the topic of fairieClick here to reply to this or to read other people 's feedback on it or send your own writing | Writing with a Difference | Creative Writing | Authors & Reading | |
Middleton Factory was the largest factory in the town of Claxton . It had been family owned for almost a century and employed more than two hundred workers . Most of them were unmarried immigrant women , whose ages ranged from 14 to the ripe old age of 32 . Although these women worked ten hours a day , six days a week for a mere pittance , they were grateful to have the job . Middleton Factory was different from most factories . The women weren 't required to buy their own needles and thread and they weren 't charged to rent the machines from the owner . Willowdean Prescott was now a proud employee of the Middleton Factory . She walked the three blocks to work , down the dark streets which were only sporadically illuminated by gas lanterns . Her shift began several hours after the workers had gone home and would end just before they returned the next day . She climbed up the eight flights of stairs and entered the room . Its enormity almost took her breath away . Never in her life had she seen a room that big and she was just now understanding the gravity of her task . There was lint and thread strewn all over the floor as far as she could see and waste baskets were overflowing with bits of fabric , too small to save . The foreman met her at the door and showed her where the cleaning supplies were kept . He was not one to indulge in idle chatter so without another word he left , locking the door behind him . It was customary to lock the workers in the building then , just as it was customary to search them as they were leaving . Frozen , she was embarrassed when she found herself staring . She had been taught that it was impolite to stare but he was devilishly fetching and had caught her completely off guard . His crisp black linen suit , complimented by a bright red bow tie , had not a wrinkle in it other than the perfectly sharp creases in the center of each pant leg . His face was flawless and his full lips were accented by a pencil thin mustache . He had jet black hair , parted down the middle and piercing blue eyes that seemed to be singularly focused on something but not her . He didn 't seem to notice her at all . Perhaps he hadn 't expected her to be there and she simply blended into the background . She hadn 't caught his eye but he had surely caught hers . She watched in silence as he glanced at the time from a gold watch that had been neatly tucked into his vest pocket . There didn 't seem to be any urgency in his stride as he made his way through the huge room and disappeared into the dark hallway toward the office . Hours slipped by as she busied herself with her duties . She had worked through the night and as the sun began to rise , she knew it was near the end of her shift . She had swept the floor , gathering broken needles , what appeared to be a few broken fingernails and left no trace of dust or thread which would be cause for criticism from the foreman . Her last task was mopping the wide plank wooden floors to try to bring some semblance of shine back to them . There would be ample time for the floor to dry before the daytime workers arrived . Thinking she had finished and making her way around the floor , she gasped when she noticed a large , dark stain beside one of the machines . " Goodness , " she thought to herself . " I wonder what caused this and how did I miss it ? " She took out the floor brush and started scrubbing . She was relieved when it seemed to disappear with very little effort . As she began the long walk down the stairs , her mind momentarily went back to the fetching gentleman . She hadn 't noticed him leave . Had he had quietly slipped out while she was scrubbing the stain or was he still there ? Her Papa had called her Willie since the day she was born . When she got older , she said " Papa , when you call me Willie , people are going to think I 'm a boy ! " He laughed when he said " there is no danger of anybody ever mistaking you for a boy , because you are a beautiful young girl who is going to grow into a beautiful young woman , just like your mother . " Willowdean was the spitting image of her mother , whose name was Enez . They were petite women , blessed with thick black hair and eyes the color of rich , dark chocolate . Set against porcelain complexions , they were a striking sight to behold . Willowdean , like her mother , stood just over five feet tall , had a tiny waist and delicate features that were almost doll - like . Enez had died some five years back from pneumonia and there had been no time for Willowdean to grieve . The care of the family had fallen to her at the tender age of twelve and she had never faltered . Her brothers were too young to remember their mother but she did and she knew she had to be strong for them and for her Papa . Harlan had spent most of his life working in the shipyard , loading imports and unloading exports . He worked from sun - up to sun - down . He went to work when he was sick , injured or so tired he could hardly move but she never heard him complain . He looked far older than his 36 years . Life had beaten him down and taken its toll but there was still kindness in his eyes and they beamed with joy at the sight of his children . His hands were rough and calloused but his touch was gentle . Even with his weathered face , furrowed brow and deep lines carved by grief and sorrow , you could see that he was once a handsome man . One day Willie boldly told her Papa that she was going to go to work at a factory . Her Papa had always been slow to anger and that 's not what she was seeing . She was seeing disappointment . She had never before made a decision without first speaking with him . She had fortuitously overheard a conversation while at church . The nighttime cleaning girl at the Middleton Factory had abruptly quit and they were looking for a replacement . It was unlike her to be so bold but she asked about the possibility of gaining employment and was told to go talk to the foreman . The Factory apparently had trouble keeping a long time worker in the position . Three other girls had tried and failed to be successful . The foreman explained that the overnight hours proved to be too demanding . She assured him that he could depend on her to get the job done and he agreed to give her a try . Willowdean put her hands on his face and said " Papa , we need the money . " He had tears in his eyes because he knew she was right . He knew the reality of the world they lived in . Not admitting defeat , he told her he would have to discuss it with her mother . Talking to Enez seemed to put him at peace . He asked Willie what she would be doing at the factory . She told him that she had been hired to clean after the workers had gone home . Her duties would include dusting the sewing machines , emptying the waste baskets at every station and sweeping and mopping the floor . She would work from sun - down to sun - up . " But when are you going to sleep ? " he asked . She said " don 't worry Papa . I 'll be okay and I 'll sleep when I can . You know how the boys fall asleep when I read a story . " She laughed and said " I expect I 'll be doing a lot of reading . " 1 . I have the rarest eye color in the world . So does my youngest daughter . Only 2 % of the entire population have green eyes . Not only do we have green eyes , we both have central heterochromia iridum . Our pupils are surrounded by yellow and the outer iris is green . I also have sectoral heterochromia . I have a brown spot in one of my eyes . She does not . My oldest daughter has the appearance of complete heterochromia , like David Bowie . Like him , hers is the result of an injury which is technically called aniscoria . She was hit in the face by a hard kicked soccer ball and one pupil is permanently frozen in a dilated position . 2 . I never had wisdom teeth nor did my mama . That is a result of a mutation that happens in 35 % of the population . Unfortunately , I didn 't pass that along to any of my children . 3 . My feet are so different , they look like they belong to separate people . They are also different sizes . ( I wouldn 't be surprised if one day I found out that I was the result of a scientific experiment gone horribly wrong . ) 4 . I 've scared many a neighbor ( and still do ) by walking down a ladder from my roof , like I walk down stairs . It never made any sense to me to crawl down a ladder backward . # 4 said " dad doesn 't have any money . " I laughed and said " seriously ? " # 4 said " yeah . " I asked him who the hell told him that . # 4 said " he did . " I told him that we both know what a liar he is and it just wasn 't true . # 4 said " the last time I saw him ( which was a couple of months ago ) he told me that he didn 't have any money . " Last week I called # 3 and asked if I sent her a message , would she forward it to Loser . I told her that I was going to ask him if he would buy # 4 a bus ticket and wanted her to send it to him . She said " no , mom . I am not going to be the mediator between you and dad . " I was disappointed but I said okay and emailed him . I expected him to be on my porch the next day but he wasn 't , nor was he there the day after . I asked # 3 if she had heard from him . I called his AA buddies and asked if they had heard from him . I would have rather been ripped apart by a pack of wild animals than have to communicate with Loser again , but I finally emailed him and asked him if by any chance # 4 had called him about the ticket . I told him I had called everybody I knew , had gone to all the bars and I couldn 't find him anywhere . I told him that he had stitches that needed to come out before they grew into his skin and nobody seemed to know anything . I told him that I was worried to death . I got a message from Loser through # 3 . Loser had been in touch with # 4 the whole time . Apparently # 4 has been through detox , is getting medical attention and is staying sober . Loser says he sees him every day . When I read that message , I was beyond livid . I was outraged … for two reasons . Loser knew that I was scared out of my mind about # 4 and never said a word . A week … . A WEEK … . went by and he never said a word . I reminded her that she talks about how much she hates my mama because of the way she treated me . HIS mama treated me just as bad … but it 's okay . His daddy was a yellow - bellied , lilly - livered coward who allowed that drunk woman and his drunk son to abuse me unmercifully , but again … it was okay . I said " you forwarded a message from Loser to me but you wouldn 't forward one from me to him . " I asked her why she didn 't say " no dad . I 'm not going to be the mediator between you and mom . Why don 't you grow a set and send her the information ? " Why is that ? Is it because mom has never been and will never be as important as their fucking " dad ? " Is it because even in their late thirties and early forties , they are still more afraid of Loser ? I think he 'd have a hard time getting away with knocking them around now but he can still make them feel like shit with his nasty comments and vile texts . What a memory for a son to have about his " father . " In the same conversation , # 4 said he remembered when Loser was dragging # 3 down the hall by her hair . He said I wasn 't there but # 1 was trying to get him to let go . I wonder what the WTC would think if she heard these stories about how he treated his children . I imagine he would either deny them or tell her that he had " reached the end of his rope " and of course , " would regret it for the rest of his life . " That 's his go - to response when he cannot deny his barbaric , volatile behavior . I guess I started fights when I was drunk … oh , wait . He was the one who was always drunk … but I guess that 's my fault too . What a horrible person I am … and don 't forget . I 'm " insane . " I actually agree with that assessment . I would have to have been insane to have stayed with a maggot like him for as long as I did . Guilty as charged . I hope # 4 is in a rehab facility somewhere . I can 't imagine that he is being allowed to stay at the WTCs ' house . I hope he will be successful this time but mostly , I hope he isn 't being poisoned by Loser and that WTC . He wants nothing more than to be close to Loser and if that means believing everything he says , he will and Loser will be triumphant . What a roller coaster ride I have had . After repeatedly finding my son on my porch , I let him come in . He spent one night in the bed . When I finally got him up the next morning , I asked him how he slept . He said he felt like he was in " fucking prison . " I told him that I hoped he would say something like " it sure beats sleeping on the street . " I knew what that meant . It meant he needed a drink . I told him if he went for a walk , he couldn 't come back . He went inside for a minute . Little did I know , he had sneaked a bottle of Vodka in . He started acting more and more peculiar . I should have known he was drinking . I 'm such a fool . He finally said he needed to take a walk . I told him to go on his walk and to keep walking . He said " I 'll be back . " I told him not to come back . Later that afternoon , there was knock on my door . It was the same officer who arrested him the first time . She brought him " home . " He was standing out in the yard , wobbling . She said for me to keep him in the house . Of course , I let him in . I gave him something to eat and let him put on some clean clothes . He went outside to smoke and then said he needed to take a walk . Unbelievable . I told him he was already drunk and didn 't need anything else to drink . I got him to come inside and locked all three doors that lead outside . They have key deadbolts so he had to have the key to get them open . He was like a caged animal and started growling like a rabid dog . Then he started yanking on the doors . He went from one to the other to the other . Then he started kicking them . I told him that if he didn 't stop , I was going to call the police . He said " go ahead … and I will never fucking forgive you . " Then he slammed his cell phone down and broke it into several pieces . He decided to open the bathroom window and jump out but he couldn 't figure out how to get it open . He kept going in there and locking the door . He finally came out and went into the kitchen . He put his fist through the glass in the door . There was blood everywhere . Then he strong - armed me and cracked a couple of ribs . I called the police and told them to come get him . I opened the door and let him go outside . He grabbed a pair of jeans and wrapped them around his arm . When I told him the police were going to be here any minute , he went berserk . He thought I had called an ambulance . He took off down the street . The same officer who had brought him home came and I told her he had walked off . She said she 'd find him . I showed her the door and my side . She told me not to let him back in if he came back before she found him . She said " he 's going to jail this time . " She called me about two hours later and said he was at the hospital , getting stitches . She said the paramedics wanted to talk to me about " his meds . " Great . They told me that he had narcotics on him . I knew exactly what they were talking about . My doctor had given me a prescription for Lorazepam because she knew what I was going through with # 4 . I had to have my picture taken and sign away my house to get that scrip filled and I wasn 't even sure I was going to take it . He took the whole bottle . I think that 's why he was so violent . He must have taken them with Vodka . Lethal combination there and he 's lucky he didn 't stroke out . I rested a little easier that night . I thought he was in jail and would be safe and sober . When I got up , he was on my porch . He walked here from the hospital . Because I didn 't come down and press charges , they let him go . He asked me to take the stitches out of his arm . I took them out of his chest when he was filleted open because they were growing into his skin . I told him they needed to be in there for a while . He disappeared and the next day , he called from somebodys ' phone , drunk . I asked him where he was . He didn 't have a clue . The other person got on the phone and said I could pick him up on some street in the next town . They were walking and should be there by the time I got there . I got there and waited for a while . It was some parking lot across from a service station . As I was getting ready to leave , I saw # 4 and this man walking toward the car . # 4 didn 't see me and started walking across the street , saying " I need a drink . " He only had a dollar on him and it wasn 't enough to buy one of those little bitty bottles of vodka so they turned him away . I got him in the car and he laid down in the back seat . I was on the phone with # 3 and he heard her talking to me . It pissed him off and he got out of the car . I tried to get him back in but he laid down in the parking lot . The next thing I knew , a sheriff was there and then the city police . The sheriff was really kind to him and tried to get him to get in the car . The police officer was a cutie - pie and I mean movie star cutie - pie but he said this was the third time he had been called for # 4 . He wanted to take him to jail . EMS showed up and decided to take him to the hospital because he said he felt sick . Later that evening , he called me and asked me to come get him . He knew he had been in the hospital but he had forgotten that I had been there earlier and he had decided to take a nap in the parking lot . He didn 't have his shoes or his backpack . Yesterday , he was on my porch again . He had spent a few nights with the dangerous drug dealer … . " his friend . " He was still a little drunk but I made him get up . I gave him some water and asked him if he could be sober for just one day . I asked him if he wanted to go back to Florida . He said he did so he could see his boy . I told him he wasn 't going to see his boy while he was still drinking . He growled " why are you always fucking putting me down ? " I told him I would email Loser and ask him to buy him a bus ticket . Saints be praised . I emailed Loser and he said he would . He even thanked me for trying to help him . Of course he 's thankful . If I 'm doing everything , it means that he and that WTC don 't have to do anything and I 'm sure he won 't tell her that he 's buying a ticket for him . She 'll get pissed off . That money could be used for her student loan … or her car payment . # 4 said he really needed a beer because he was weaning himself off of Vodka . I tried to get him to just talk to me . After about an hour , he said he needed to take a walk . I noticed a bottle under the loveseat on the porch . It had a little Vodka in it . He found it and said it would do . I told him if he drank it , he had to leave . He sat right there , opened the bottle and took a big swig . ( Reminded me of my ex monster - in - law . She wasn 't allowed to drink her Vodka , so she grabbed Losers ' beer and downed it . ) I told him he had to leave . He said he 'd be back . I told him he absolutely could not come back . " This is not a homeless shelter and you are not going to hang out here drunk all the time . " He said " I don 't have anywhere to go . " I told him he did have somewhere to go , he just pissed it away for booze . He has told me time and time again that I don 't understand . He 's right . I don 't and I never will . I cannot imagine what it 's like to want a drink so bad that you will do anything and give up everything for it . Pansy Faye 's grandfather and Elwyn Turner were loosely based on my grandpa . He was an entrepreneur who owned cafes , fillin ' stations and little grocery stores . He would let people take a loaf of bread or a gallon of milk or a pack of cigarettes , with the promise of repayment on payday . Most of them returned . Some of them didn 't . Lucy Maes ' character was loosely based on a man who owned a tire place in the middle of town . My friend and I knew the owners of a restaurant next door and we stopped by to grab a bite to eat . This man was eating a salad for lunch , started laughing and then started choking . I thought about trying to dislodge whatever was in his mouth but I was told to stay away . Ron Carson 's sons ' names were based on the husband of a friend of mine when I lived in Philadelphia . His name was Paul Peter . He had a brother named Peter Paul . The airplane crash was based on a crash that happened near my hometown . A large jumbo jet collided with a small private plane . It was the first crash investigated by the NTSB . None of the passengers survived and the only body intact was a stewardess found in a tree , still strapped to her jumpseat . People were combing through the woods , taking jewelry from limbs . According to the report , she and her eighteen month old daughter were traveling down a winding , mountainous road . A semi - tractor trailer drifted into her lane , causing her to swerve . She lost control of her car and it flipped over several times , coming to rest at the bottom of a steep embankment . Her daughter was thrown from the car . Sherry suffered serious injures but managed to get out of the car and crawl up the hill . When she reached the top , she saw her daughter sitting in the middle of the road , apparently okay . Her daughter saw her , raised her arms and called for her . Before Sherry could get to her , another car came around the bend and ran over her little girl . " The light in her eyes , " as her parents said , " was starting to come back . " She began to socialize and had even started to be comfortable riding in a car . Driving a car again however , was a hurdle she had yet to conquer . When she won , although vehemently denied , it was suspected that the drawing had been rigged in her favor . It was the first thing she had ever won and she was determined to go and go alone . He parents begged her to ask a friend to go along but Sherry reassured them by saying she needed to get used to doing things by herself . Many of us associate death with some sort of Divine intervention or design . I believe we need to , in order to make sense of a loss that simply cannot be understood or readily accepted . We don 't want it to be final . We want to know that there is something after . None of us will escape death but when it comes too soon or by what seems to be unjustifiable means , it calls into question , at least for me , the motives of this so - called merciful God . It makes us question His motives . It challenges our faith . There are five stages of death . Acceptance is the final stage . Some people reach that stage , while others never do . Those who can 't or won 't are left with a gaping wound in their hearts and become frozen in a world of unanswered questions . As a reporter , it is my job to tell a story and leave the reader with a comprehensive understanding of the basic who , what , where , when and why . Why has been a question asked by people throughout the ages . For some , the answer to why is the only road to acceptance . We ask but sometimes , acceptance is only realized when we understand that there are and never will be any answers . The remains of Whisper were slowly and methodically put to rest along with the townsfolk . An entire town was gone , leaving only a footprint of what used to be . A large granite boulder , bearing the image of an airplane and all the names of the victims was placed in what was once the center of town . These people are gone but they will be remembered . They once lived and loved and laughed . That will be their legacy and it will withstand the test of time . My stories of just five of the lives lost on that day was reduced to four , as I chose not to include Joshua Beacham . My stories were meant to put into perspective the fact that these were more than names on a victim list . I wanted readers to know them intimately . I wanted readers to question why their lives were extinguished in such a violent manner . I wanted readers to mourn for them as if they knew them personally . |
The kids survived the day ! Last night , I wasn 't sure we were going to make it . By the time they started round two of the cleanse , they were horribly sick and incredibly weak . The last dose was at 9pm and they spent until 1 : 30am vomiting and diarrhea . It was unbelievable . I had decided to have the boys sleep in my bed so they would be closer to a bathroom and Shelbie slept on a mattress on the floor . I laid on the couch , jumping up and down assisting them . I finally fell asleep at 2am and woke up at 3 : 10 . Wide awake . We arrived at 6 am . The kids were in really good spirits and they wore the craziest outfits just to keep the moment humorous . The boys shared a room and Shelbie was next door . We don 't really have any results . The boys ' scopes looked pretty amazing and very normal but he took several biopsies in hopes that it would hold the key to Spencer 's malabsorption . It could be that the problem is in the liver , pancreas or small bowel . None of those areas can be viewed in a scope . Once the GI doc gets all the reports , Spencer will likely do the pill cam so they can get a look in his small bowel . . . well , unless the blood work shows something . All of that should be back tomorrow or Wednesday . Shelbie , on the other hand , had all sorts of GI problems . She has pretty significant gastritis which could actually be H - pylori and some other unidentified growths that will be determined by pathology . Shelbie came back to the room wide awake and incredibly agitated and in pain . They had to give her three doses of morphine before the pain was controlled . Tonight , she seems to be doing better . Spencer has done the worst of the three . He looks like a wreck . Pale , weak and just skin and bones . It will mark our 56 , 57 , and 58th bone marrow biopsies . You would think that by this point we would be use to this but it never seems to get easier . It 's getting a little bit harder . It makes sense really . We have managed to avoid myelodysplasia , leukemia , and other clonal abnormalities that can show up . Dyskeratosis Congenita is a telomere biology disease . Telomeres are the ends of the chromosomes that protect it from damage and disease . As they get shorter and shorter , more and more damage happens and that typically results in cancer and organ failure . So , the shoe could drop at any time . The older they get , the shorter the telomeres . Just as a point a reference , the kids are all at about the 8th percentile for telomere length . . . that 's pretty short . But , we are moving ahead with hope and determination . Heading in to biopsies tomorrow of the bone marrow and colon and upper GI , here are the stats I am not as anxious about the bone marrow biopsies as I am the GI workup and liver studies . But , what will be , will be . We are half way through the prep for surgery and the kids are wilting fast . They had to start this in an already depleted state so this is definitely taking its toll . Tomorrow at 6 am can 't come soon enough . Sam is not doing much better than the other two . . . well , physically , he is I guess but he is in the midst of a bad depression . It 's been a very long time since I saw this kid happy . It 's only getting worse and this weekend , we sort of had it out with each other . He is refusing to take medication and that is bugging me to no end . I don 't understand why he won 't take it . I asked him if I told him I was going to give him $ 500 if that would make him happy . He nodded " Yes . " Then I said , " Well , I 'm not going to give it to you in one lump sum . I am going to put in my hand a $ 20 bill every day until I have given you $ 500 . All you have to do for the $ 20 is take it out of my hand . Would you do that much for $ 500 ? " Again , he nodded ' Yes . ' It 's the same thing with taking medication . You have to take one tiny pill once a day and in return , you find a little joy once again in life . Unless you love moping around , feeling sad , anxious , angry , scared . . . why wouldn 't you take it ? I don 't get it . Finally . . . after hours of poking and prodding him , lecturing , asking questions . . . he yelled , " You have no idea what it 's like to be me ! You will never know what it feels like to live with this disease . NEVER ! ! So , why should I talk to you about it ? You don 't get it ! " I was not happy . However , it sounds like a similar yelling fest I have had with Shelbie in the past and actually again on Friday night . For the first time , I felt like an outsider . I felt like all the rest of the people who stand outside of our experience and misjudge us . I wanted to yell back at them all . . . ' You have no idea what it 's like to be me ! Watching my only kids deteriorate ! What do you think that feels like ? ' I bit my tongue for the simple reason that he is right . They are all right . I finally understand that . After all these years , my experience is not better or worse , just different . Sometimes , these moments happen . I hate them ! I hate it when we all start coming apart at once . I hate the fact that we are each growing into our own stories . It takes a great deal of energy to regroup and live in the moment of what is . In so many ways , the kids are way more mature than any other young adults their age . They have to be yet at the same time , they are very immature emotionally . I think some of the traumatic moments we have had to face has changed them . Shelbie spent no less than 20 minutes on Friday telling me what a lousy mom I am to not have found better doctors for them . If I had worked harder , been more careful , we would have doctors who know what they are doing and doctors who care . She wouldn 't be dealing with low blood counts again if I had just done my job better . Sometimes , you just feel like an outsider looking in . It 's weird when it 's your own children who cut you out from the secret handshake and member 's only clubhouse of Dyskeratosis Congenita . I 'm feeling a little beat up and pretty much exhausted . On a promising note . . . Sam and I came to some understanding after I dragged him up to the nursing home this afternoon to push old people around in their wheelchairs . Amazing how quickly one 's perspective on the difficulties of life changes when you make a difference for someone else . Today was my grandma 's funeral . Sadly , we weren 't able to make the trip back to attend . In many ways , it made today extra hard . We are raised to believe that funerals are to pay respect to the one who passed away . When you think about it , why would they really care about the kind of funeral they have ? We think we care what kind of funeral we will have , the color of coffin , the flowers in a spray and all the other details we deliberate over . I think , that funerals are for the living . Funerals are for those left behind . It 's a time to reflect , remember , process and prepare your mind to move on with one less loved one . Funerals are important . I feel strange not being able to be at my grandma 's funeral to enjoy all those fond memories spoken of and say one last goodbye . I couldn 't just let this day pass without doing something special in honor of my grandma . Something to set this day apart for all the rest . So , after we got through with the hospital today , I ran up to the nursing home where a friend of mine is . His name is Reed . I have been a housekeeper to him and his wife for the past three years . He has always been so kind to me . When he was in better health , he raised chickens and always sent me off each week with a dozen eggs . He made plum jam for me and shared his tips on growing the biggest tomatoes . He has been on hospice for a couple of months and since his wife is not in good health either , they decided to put him in the nursing home for 5 days to give his wife a respite . I haven 't been able to visit my grandma much since she has lived in a nursing home . I often wished I lived closer because I would have spent everyday visiting her so she didn 't have to be alone . I thought that visiting Reed was the best way to make this day special and remember my grandma . My visit with Reed was moving . He is so sad . He broke down because he feels like such a burden . He is lonely and sad . My heart broke for him . He cried and cried . It was the saddest thing to just hold him while he wept in loneliness . I hugged him while he wrung out his heart in my hands . When he calmed down some , I packed him up in the wheelchair and took him out to the courtyard with two Maple donuts , his favorite treat ! He sat in the warm sun and savored those donuts and soaked up the sun . He seemed much calmer and relaxed . After a few minutes , he nodded off and I enjoyed a few moments in quiet while I contemplated on all the great times I had with my grandma . It is so sad to think that a wonderful and amazing generation has quietly slipped away . She saw so many things in this world in her near century of living . She was talented and set out to accomplish all the things she ever wanted in life . She had a love for learning , her grand kids and of course music . My grandma , me - at the piano and Shelbie with my dad singing some of my grandma 's favorite songs . She will be greatly missed . In my sadness , I thought of the great reunion she is enjoying on the other side of this life . Posted by So . . . last night , I ended up having to take Spencer into the ER . He has not been able to keep any food in him for over a week . When I say no food . . . I seriously mean , no food . He is plagued with diarrhea , nausea and , well . . . I will spare you the bodily details . By Wednesday night he could hardly stand on his own . Even Gatorade made him sick . At the ER , he received lots of fluids and orders to get fluids every day until Monday . I think it is helping , at least he has a little more energy . He is losing so much fluid and nutrients and since his gut is so sensitive and cramping , even drinking water is nearly impossible . So . . . IV fluids are really necessary . Since all three kids are scheduled for surgery on Monday , the surgeon dropped by to get a history on Shelbie since she couldn 't leave the hospital to get to his office . He had asked for her CBC . The nurse blurted out some numbers - 51 for platelets was a number she had tried to recall . Without even skipping a beat , I said to the surgeon , " No , she meant 150 , not 50 . " We continued our conversation and I didn 't think another thing about it . As we left , much later than usual , I asked the nurse for the CBC . She handed it to me and I was stunned . Pancytopenia ! ! All of Shelbie 's blood lines are suffering . Pretty darn low . We haven 't seen pancytopenia in a long , long time . Most of all , I was disheartened at her low platelets at 51 . Unless she is working on getting a virus or something , this could quite possibly mean her ITP is back . If her ITP is back . . . we are looking at more chemotherapy ! Last time it was 9 months ! ! Ugh I couldn 't believe it . I like to think that maybe it was a calculation error but the fact that all three blood lines have dropped , is only wishful thinking for a virus . As the night wears on , it 's all becoming even more unbelievable that we are in this very lousy place . . . again ! I can 't help but be grateful that we didn 't go to Canada for my Grandma 's funeral . Leaving the country with counts like this wouldn 't have been the smartest thing to do . Not to mention with a very sick Spencer . Tomorrow , we are back at the hospital . I sure hope we make it through the next few days . I 'm pretty concerned . All day Sunday will be spent in bowel prep . Surgery Monday will be tag team style and start at 6 am . Hopefully by early afternoon , we will be home . I have yet to report on our GI visit . It was disheartening and worrisome . . . hence the colonoscopies and endoscopies . Maybe I will get to that report next . We headed to Boise Monday night for GI at St . Lukes all day Tuesday . Our GI doc completely cleared out his day so all he had to focus on was us ! It was amazing and I was so grateful to him . I will write more tomorrow . It took so long to get everything done medically . When we were finally through , we ran to the mall to get some back to school clothes for Sam . He started school today . Shelbie and I went one direction in H & M and the boys went another to find what they needed . Shelbie and I were in one of the tight aisles . . . with Shelbie in a wheelchair because she has been having more heart problems and breathing issues so it was crammed . There was a girl about Shelbie 's age in the same aisle . She was pretty intent on looking through the rack so I started to back out of the aisle . Just as I did . . . this girl started contorting herself and speaking gibberish ! As I tried to figure out if she was talking to us or what , she went down . . . Hard ! ! She fell against a rack of clothes and banged her head on the bar before hitting the back of her head on the metal bar at the bottom of the rack ! I didn 't notice that her mom had been on the other side and as I ran to the girl , so did her mom . We pulled her out from below the rack and she was clearly having a major seizure . It was terrifying ! ! ! Her mom started to panic and I reassured her that I had dealt with many seizures before and she was going to be okay . I hurried to find her pulse and kept my hand on it to monitor her heart rate . She was breathing . . . sort of but still managing shallow breaths . Her muscles in her legs and arms were seizing violently so we were trying to keep her still and from banging her head around . At one point , she turned the darkest purple and her breathing stopped but her heart rate remained constant . I wasn 't sure if I should start CPR since she was pumping oxygenated blood so I was hoping that would be enough to keep her safe until the seizing stopped . The other issue that I worried about was all her piercings . She had several in her nose , septum and lips . I was worried that pinching her nose would put more piercings in places she didn 't want . It would have been challenging to get a good seal around her mouth because of the jewelry . At this point , while I 'm contemplating what to do , her mom just freaked ! ! ! She was sure that she was dead . I just remained calm and said , " She 's not dead . I promise . Do you know CPR ? " I asked . I was hoping that she did because I 'm sure this girl didn 't want my germs anymore than I wanted hers . If her mom knew CPR , I would have had her start rescue breathing . She didn 't . Instead she yelled out for CPR help . Shelbie had been trying to call 911 but she had no cell service in the store and she was trying to find a sales clerk to call . The she called out for CPR help too . The entire store was in an upheaval . The scary thing was , that the boys saw Shelbie crying and calling for help but they didn 't see me . They immediately thought I was dead . It was just an intense and scary moment for the all of us . This girls seriously looked dead , especially when the seizing stopped and she was just still and not breathing . Eventually , she took a breath and resuscitation wasn 't needed . It was several minutes before this girl regained consciousness . She was 24 years old and had just returned from Argentina where she had been living for two years . Her mom knew very little of her latest health history like if she was pregnant , had any illness or disease . I 'm not going to lie . . . I 'm kind of relieved I didn 't have to do mouth to mouth but I would have . I know I would have given it my best effort in order to save her . It was a hard thing to do . It was hard to see Shelbie so terrified because this girl appeared to everyone to be dead . It brought back so many horrible memories of watching my own kids have seizures . As we were driving home , I got a call that my grandma had passed away . I couldn 't believe it ! ! It doesn 't matter how old a person is , death is just not fun . It 's downright hard ! Needless to say , everything combined yesterday made for a very tough day . Today , I just feel numb and tired and distant . I 'm pretty much exhausted and can 't seem to focus . Losing our Hematologist in Seattle seemed to precipitate many other changes . We have outgrown all of our doctors simply because the kids got older . Not only that , we haven 't been happy with a couple of our doctors . With the DC diagnosis , they seem out of their league . We had options but certainly didn 't feel like any of the options were a good fit . For the very first time , I didn 't fret about this or fidget and try to force a plan . I simply just prayed until something happened . I don 't know what I was expecting . . . I guess that 's just it , I had no expectations . I couldn 't see how this situation could be resolved so I just tried to remain open and hopeful that the way would be made clear when the time was right . Today , I had to make a trip to Wyoming to work on a hospital project I 've been working on the past year . As we walked through the surgical suites under construction , the CEO asked me how my kids were doing . I briefly explained that we were assembling a new team of adult medicine docs and it was a huge and hard undertaking . Out of the blue , he started talking about a cardiologist that works two days a month at the hospital . I thought absolutely nothing of that . When our meeting was over , he offered to walk me out to the front doors . As we left his office , he said , " If you have a minute , I can introduce you to the cardiologist 's nurse . Maybe she could help you in some way . " As we turned the corner from his office , a lady was right there in a hall . She was coming to see the CEO . It was the nurse coordinator for the cardiologist he was telling me about ! We were introduced and I followed her back to her office . We visited for a few minutes and I gave her some background on my kids . We even set up an appointment to see the cardiologist . Soon , a man came out of the office . It was the cardiologist ! He began asking questions about the kids and a history of what we have gone through . We must have spent 45 minutes talking and laughing ! He was an awesome doctor ! ! I loved his personality , and sense of humor . Half way through our visit , he did mention he had a partner who specialized in AV Malformations of the heart and lungs . His practice is almost exclusively congenital heart defects and AVM 's . He is young and on fire when it comes to researching AVM 's . This cardiologist suggested we see his partner instead of him . He felt it would be a better fit , plus , he is set to retire soon . We finished our conversation with instructions from this doctor on what we needed to do next . He said that 90 % of the time , in AVM 's of the lungs and heart , the liver has AMV 's as well . He said that liver screenings would need to take place , before we see the new cardiologist . It was so clear , as we stood there talking that this had been completely and totally orchestrated by God . It was the most amazing feeling to see things work out so simple and easily , without any fretting and worry on my part ! Part 2 coming soon . . . This morning , Spencer and I spent 2 1 / 2 hours at the temple doing some sealing work with some friends . I thought it would only be about an hour which would have worked out fine because I had to clean a house , but it took much longer . I just couldn 't stand the thought of leaving such a peaceful , happy place where families were being joined for eternity . We left though and I got to my house to clean a full hour late . When I arrived , the house was in chaos . The elderly man , who is on Hospice , had become disoriented in the night and flooded the bathroom . His dear sweet wife didn 't hear because she sleeps upstairs and had closed the hall door to keep the dogs out from bothering her ailing husband . I immediately got to work sopping up water on the bathroom carpet . She was saying that she wanted a gate for the dogs so she could hear her husband and not have to close the door to keep the dogs out . I had one at home that was on its way to the thrift shop . I called Sam to see if he could run the gate up . It 's a really nice gate that also has a ' door ' in it so you don 't have to climb over it . I put down my stuff and gave her a hug , telling her I wouldn 't let her cry alone . Just as she was unloading on my shoulder , all of my kids pulled up in the driveway ! It was like a little miracle . Spencer got to work installing it . Sam and Shelbie went down to the basement apartment to check on water damage from the flood and I started folding an overflowing basket of laundry . Then Shelbie sat and visited with the wife and Sam finished helping Spencer . Spencer gave her a blessing and then the kids went and got her some lunch . It was such an incredible feeling to see all the kids working to serve this sweet couple . I knew they had a long list of things they needed to do but they didn 't complain . Shelbie even offered to sit with her husband so she could get out of the house for a couple of hours . It sure doesn 't take much to make a person feel loved . In fact , a little bit of love goes such a long way , not only for the person receiving the love but the people giving the love too ! Seeing my kids so happy and jumping in to help , melted my heart . Everyone was so happy the rest of the day ! I couldn 't imagine that life has ever been hard . . . for a minute at least . I couldn 't imagine that life could ever be anything but this kind of happiness . It is no less than 438 pages of information regarding the disease my kids have . There is not another book of it 's kind . It was written by 40 of the top researchers and providers of care for DC kids / patients . It is complete with references to studies and articles . It 's pretty amazing . I am seriously amazed . In awe . Overwhelmed in fact ! This is worth it 's weight in gold ! I can 't even imagine the work it took to get this compiled . It takes a lot for me to be moved like this . It was out of the blue . The other thing that came quite by surprise was a phone call from our GI doc in Boise . Just a few minutes ago , his nurse called and said that Dr . T has cleared out an entire day for us to bring the kids next week ! Next week ! He 's going to see my kids ! I 'm so relieved . This will be the last time but I love this doctor and I 'm so glad he has taken such great lengths to care for us . His nurse literally said , " He has cleared out the entire day so you can choose any time you want to come and see him and he will spend whatever time it takes . " That has never happened to me before . . . ever ! When Sam was just 15 months old , he was all sorts of sick and failing to thrive . We had already gone the run around with Shelbie and Spencer at Primary Children 's GI and Toronto for Sick Children , who , at the time was the end all and be all of SDS research . They had messed us up which is a long story in and of itself . By the time Sam arrived , we had gone two years without being treated for pancreatic insufficiency . Our family doctor knew we needed to find out what was wrong and he mentioned this brand new doctor in Boise who might be able to help us . It was Dr . Thompson at St . Lukes . On our first visit , he recognized some serious problems with one of the kids whom shall remain nameless because it 's a TMI kind of story . This child of mine had to have an enema while on our first visit . After a horrendous amount of time , the child unloaded in the bathroom at the hospital . I got Dr . Thompson to let him know we were done and he came into the bathroom , pulled on some gloves and began to fish around in the toilet bowl , literally sifting through the remains from an enema ! To say I was shocked would be a blatant understatement . I stood there in awe ! I said , " Why are you doing this ? Don 't you have people to do this for you ? What in the world made you want to do this specialty ? " He looked up at me as he crouched down beside the toilet . . . " It 's fascinating ! " Just then , his pager and hospital ID started to fall from his shirt pocket , headed straight to the toilet . He caught it with his free hand ! Then he looked at me and said , " There 's never a dull moment ! " I am pretty sure it 's all been orchestrated by God himself . I have been so stuck lately , not really knowing what to do so I have done nothing . I just kept praying that I would be led to the next best thing and I would figure out what to do about our doctor dilemma . It has all just fallen into place . So , Oncology and Gastroenterology all next week and bone marrow biopsies will happen if not next week , then for sure the following week . These are some major appointments and all that is left is cardiology , pulmonology and ophthalmology and a sneaking suspicion that all three will be going in for baseline colonoscopy testing and one more appointment for Sam to see the Urologist . It 's a lot left to do but we can manage . We 've had a nice little break from the fray . Time to get things taken care of . Posted by I heard this all familiar saying today . . . Life goes on . It is a statement of truth . Life goes on no matter what you happen to be going through , have gone through or will go through . I remember so clearly , the day we walked out of the Oncology office just over a year ago , after getting blood drawn on Shelbie and Sam to send off for confirmation of Dyskeratosis Congenita . The nurse had inadvertently handed me the wrong paperwork and I saw the diagnosis from the research lab . Something that legally , I was not suppose to see . I remember looking down the street to line of kids waiting for ice cream at the new food truck . Driving home , the park was filled with families having fun , playing , laughing . The radio station still cranked out the tunes that made everyone tap a toe or move to the beat . ' How can these people be going on with life ? ' was the thought that percolated through my numb mind . My life had seemingly stopped . It was a moment that would forever define my life . This oncology visit became a dog eared page in the book of life that I would somehow keep going back to and re - reading the fine print it left in my mind . . . like I did today . Over a year later , I can see that that distant day in the past was not the worst day ever . It wasn 't the best day either . It was a day that left us in pieces . Little bits of what we were once familiar with seemed even more fractured . Somehow , life goes on in those little bits and pieces that fell away that day . Funny . . . how that happens . Funny how life goes on even when you can 't see any possible way for it to do so . Posted by Having to start over with all new doctors has been daunting . I don 't even know where to start looking for new ones . I 've been really bothered with the whole hematology situation . The more time I spend in the Dyskeratosis group and reading about the disease , the more confused I am . We are one of the very few families who has not been to transplant yet . In fact , one family is starting transplant very soon and their child actually has better counts than any of my kids ! I am continually told that it 's better to transplant while they are healthy . Once the lung problems start , it 's too late to transplant . We have never been told any of this . I feel like we don 't have anyone looking at the big picture . Now without our top Hematologist and GI doc , we are even more lost . I 'm hoping I figure something out soon . We could go to Seattle and meet with the new doctor Dr . Shimamura suggested we start seeing but honestly , the thought of going there and driving all that way fills me with dread . However , she works closely with Dr . Shimamura and has been groomed to take over her transitioning patients so it makes sense . We won 't have to re - invent the wheel . Still . . . that drive ! As far as GI . . . I have no clue where to go . We need someone pretty fast . Spencer keeps asking when he will start feeling better . Without a plan . . . he isn 't going to start feeling any better . This is only the tip of the iceberg . Yesterday was overwhelming as Spencer continued to talk about all the things that are ailing him . New symptoms . . . All DC related . Ahh . . . we will move ahead and I 'm sure things will fall into place soon . I look at her and I don 't even know how we arrived here so fast ! In many ways , I remember so clearly each stage of her life . It 's a cool thing to look back and see how each moment was a defining one . For good or for bad . . . it made her the wonderful young woman she is today . Shelbie likes people to think she is aloof and maybe even jaded but in reality , she is the most tender hearted person I know . She is sweet and has an intense desire to not miss out on anything in life . She has talent galore but doesn 't always see the gifts that she offers the world around her as anything special . I guess in a way , that keeps her humble . As I think about Shelbie , there is so much to love but the thing I love the most about her , is the way she lives her life . She is genuine and tenacious . Okay . . . two things ! Out of all the people I know , Shelbie has had more reasons to throw in the towel than anyone but she doesn 't . She may wobble a bit at times , but she always gets back up , brushes herself off and marches on . She gives the people who use her and hurt her more chances than they deserve . . . ever ! I love that about her . She struggles through something until she understands it . She laughs at hard times , she cries . . . she is real . So . . . with another year behind us . . Shelbie loves the white resin deer with antlers and requested a ' deer ' cake . the deer on the front of the cake is even edible ! It 's sugar paper . Present opening ! Spencer is doing so much better the last day or so . Monday , almost felt like he was never gone . The three kids together are having a great time . Last night , as we all sat down for dinner and everyone was laughing and joking around , my heart was so full to see all the ways I have been blessed as a mother . I might even say this stage of life is my favorite . . . Not the part where they all leave me . . . but the part where they are all mature and can enjoy each other as best friends instead of siblings who had their moments of bickering and teasing . It 's amazing to see that they have all turned out pretty good so far . They have learned to make the best of things and the most of a day . Monday , I had a few minutes to get focused on what we need to do to get Spencer feeling better . He still gets sick every day with nausea and pain . Yesterday , he spent the better part of the day with pain around his heart and his sternum . We have a few appointments scheduled but they are way out on the calendar . I found out yesterday that our GI can no longer see the kids since he only sees patients up to age 19 . I begged and pleaded with the nurse to let us see him one more time but I 'm not sure that is going to happen . So . . . I 'm on the hunt to replace the GI and figure out what to do about Oncology . For now , we will see our local doc and do the upcoming biopsies at our local hospital but I feel like in some ways , we have outgrown that clinic . Before Spencer got home , we had finally fallen into our snug little world of denial and living with DC had become a little easier . Having to bring Spencer up to speed on things and get him scheduled to start this process all over again , has been really hard . Harder than I thought it would be . Tuesday , when we were contemplating a trip to Salt Lake , I had this uneasy feeling about my car . For one thing , the front tires are bald and second of all , there have been some odd problems with my tail lights . They go out all the time . After a little research months ago , I found out that this is a problem with Hyundais and when I called , they didn 't have a way to fix it . The weird thing is , the brake light problem is associated to a problem with the cruise control and affects the way that works . I know this because I had both brake lights burn out and my cruise control stopped working . Tuesday , I had this feeling that this whole issue was going to be a problem . I ignored that but decided to at least have my tires rotated so better tires were on the front . With the tire problem sort of solved , I pushed the other worries to the back of my mind and we took off . About 2 1 / 2 hours into the trip , we were getting into some congested traffic . I switched lanes to pass a string of slowing moving trucks . I pushed the button to set my cruise and it didn 't stop accelerating ! In a second the pedal was completely to the floor of the car . I couldn 't get it to stop . I turned the cruise off but that didn 't help . We were accelerating fast and got past 90 mph . There were cars in front of me and cars to the side of me and I was going faster than all of them ! I sort of panicked but more because I was shocked that the very thing I had worried about happening , was actually happening ! I was trying to slam on the brakes and nothing was working . Spencer reached over the pulled the gear into neutral , shut the car off with the key and started pulling up on the emergency brake . I found a small opening in the right lane and flew through that and onto the shoulder til I could coast to a stop . It was pretty darn scary ! ! Like , really scary ! Even with the car stopped , the gas pedal was still completely down and touching the floor of the car . Brings new meaning to ' pedal to the metal ' . Today , I called the dealership and they think they have a way to fix it and yes . . . it has in fact been recalled ! The service guy said he had heard that this could happen but hadn 't actually heard of it happening ! Trust us to have the wild and crazy stuff happen . Ahh . . . . at least we are all still alive ! All in all , he is starting to settle in better than the first few days . I was pretty surprised at how hard it was to have him home . He felt awkward to be ' in the world ' again and none of us really knew how to act . I think we were all trying to pretend none of us were living in the world either ; we tried to shelter him from our usual , hectic life . He was really homesick for Colorado too . It was almost as if he was sad . His face , his actions , everything just seemed sad . I wanted to fix it . Then I thought maybe it was me making him sad . It was just hard . Nothing at all like I had expected . I wasn 't sure how we were going to tell him about all the things that happened over the past two years , especially about his ' new ' disease , Dyskeratosis Congenita . Thankfully , it didn 't end up being as big a deal as it was in my head . On Thursday morning , his dad came over and we were planning the day . Somehow , we all migrated to Spencer 's bedroom . I think he was showing us his lack of clothes . I had bought him some new clothes but he has lost a lot of weight ! I bought him the size he wore when he left but we had to exchange them for two sizes smaller ! His smaller frame led to a conversation on how he lost the weight . Well , he 's been sick almost the entire two years . Not only was keeping stuff from him but he was keeping stuff from me ! He talked about how run down he feels . How his asthma is giving him problems . How is gut and pancreas seem to causing him all sorts of problems . He even mentioned that there have been a few times he has passed out for no reason . . . just standing in his apartment doing nothing and he goes down . When he was done , I talked about DC and all the things we have found to be problems in Shelbie and Sam . With each symptom and problem , he just said , " Ya , that happens to me too ! " It all made sense to him . He already knew he was sick , he didn 't need me explaining some rare disease to him , he has been living it . I 'm kind of glad things happened the way they did . I 'm not sure how he is feeling about things . It will probably become more real when I start getting appointments scheduled and we get a better picture about what is happening . Tuesday , we made a quick trip to Salt Lake to go back to school shopping for Spencer and Sam . While we were there , an old companion of Spencer 's asked him to stay a few days and help him lay some tile . So , we left Spencer behind , said goodbye . . . AGAIN and came home . Being with is friend has been really good for him I think . It is good to be with someone who has already gone through the transitioning phase . I talked to Spencer on the phone tonight and already , he sounds happier . It 's been great to have him home . We have had some really awesome talks about life . We have gone to the temple and enjoyed being together as a family ! Posted by My missionary returned home safely on Wednesday night . It was an amazing experience . I have to admit , I was pretty emotional all day . In two years , I have never shed a tear over Spencer being gone and Wednesday , my thoughts were filled with tender memories of Spencer 's life and everything we have been through . I figured I deserved to cry now ! Remember how I said I had hired a photographer ? The best decision of my life ! I 'm so glad I did . She was amazing . It was so nice to not have tell people to stand still , smile , pose . . . she just snapped away , all candid shots . She posted this awesome one of us walking out of the airport ! I love it ! ! I adore it ! ! I could look at all day long ! It 's a picture of joy ! Complete happiness and the whole point to life . . . Family . I even love that my ex husband and his little girl are in the picture . We have worked really hard to continue to have a good relationship for the sake of our kids and each other 's happiness . Contention is just not worth it . We are all happy and get along great ! It 's the best kind of divorce to have . Just like old times , these three can 't take a serious picture ! Oh well . . . It was good to see them back in their groove ! We went for dinner after the airport and took a minute for a couple of pictures outside . Below is a sweet video my Wasband 's nephew made . I didn 't know he was doing this but it was such a wonderful surprise ! I love it . I love that this moment was captured . I will post more pictures when I get them back from the photographer but I wanted to check in before anymore time passed . Posted by Oh thou afflicted , tossed with tempest , and not comforted ! Behold , I will lay thy stones with fair colors , and lay thy foundations with sapphires . And I will make thy windows of agates and thy gates of carbuncles , and all thy borders of pleasant stones . . . great shall be the peace of thy children . Thou shalt be far from oppression for thou shalt not fear , and from terror for it shall not come near thee . " 3 Nephi 22 : 7 - 14 |
I left on a Thursday , because you always said Thursdays accomplish . Wednesdays anticipate , and Fridays leave things undone . Thursdays tie up loose ends , square away , settle . Mother always knows best , of course . So I ironed Evan 's black dress pants for his meeting with the district manager , washed the dishes in the sink , called Cindy Monroe and asked if Nikki could carpool . I got dinner out of the freezer - beef tips in gravy , pre - packaged , microwave for fifteen minutes , Evan 's favorite - and vacuumed the living room . Then I did the crossword from Tuesday 's News Democrat , found and circled all the typos in the local pages . I could 've been a copy editor for that paper , could 've done a better job than whoever works there now . After that I picked Nikki up from school , asked about her day , dropped her off at a friend 's house to play . I wrote a note when I got home , so Evan wouldn 't worry . Left it right on the stove so he 'd see it . I hung Nikki 's art project on the refrigerator , so he 'd see that , too . I told Evan where I was going . I wasn 't trying to hide . Christine wasn 't home from work when I got there , but I found a post - it on the front door that told me to relax , unpack , make myself at home . Yours is the empty one , it said , with a smiley face . Those same smiley faces she drew next to her name when she was a kid . Big loopy letters and cartoon smiles . Maria 's so smart , you used to tell everyone . So mature . She 's the older sister at heart . Christine could learn a thing or two . Take a page from her sister 's book . Grow up . Christine 's apartment isn 't big , just a little kitchen and a living room , two bedrooms , one bath . She has this thirteen inch TV and an old stereo just sitting on the floor , under some modern looking kind of art on the wall . No landscapes or fruit bowls , just colored lines , circles , brushstrokes all jumbled together in patterns Christine always says she can see and I never can . She has maroon throw pillows with cheap , dangly plastic beads sitting at each end of this gaudy gold couch . I hated it . I didn 't want to be there . The guest room was empty , white walls and an old blue mattress lying right in the middle of the floor . I planned on keeping it that way . I hung my clothes in the closet , short - sleeves on one end , sweaters on the other , everything else in - between . Panties , bras , socks in the top dresser drawer . T - shirts in the middle . Pants on bottom . Just like at home . Just like always . In the bathroom , I put just my toothpaste and birth control in the medicine cabinet . And I only took the birth control so when I got home , everything could pick up right where it left off . I put my toothbrush in the holder next to the faucet . Those holders , they all come with four separate holes so when you have guests , they have a place to put their toothbrush . I put my shampoo in the shower and didn 't recognize the label on Christine 's . Something French and expensive sounding , something impractical I would never buy . I left the rest of my things packed . Hair products and books , jewelry and picture frames , I left all that in the suitcase . I brought the picture frames so I wouldn 't get homesick . I 've never been away from Nikki for more than a week , and I wanted to see her face while I was away . But I left them in the suitcase , because I knew I wouldn 't stay long enough to need them . After that , I sat on the couch and read a book that was sitting on the coffee table . I don 't even remember the title . Christine came home about an hour later and gave me a big hug , told me she was so glad to have me . I hadn 't seen Christine in a while , must 've been at least six months , maybe more , so of course she was happy to see me . She didn 't look much different . Her hair might 've been a little darker , maybe a little longer , but messy as ever , even pulled back out of her face . She still wears those stupid hoop earrings , huge and obnoxious , and layers of those long necklaces that hang down to your stomach . She asked if I wanted to go out to dinner , and I said no , because Evan would probably call and I didn 't want to risk losing reception . Evan called , but Christine had friends over and I could barely hear him over the awful music they were playing . He asked if I was with Christine . He said he read the note , but didn 't understand . So I explained to him that I had been stressed for the past couple of weeks , and I needed some time for myself . Just a little time out of the house . That 's when he started yelling . Probably because the music was so loud . Evan never yells . I told him I couldn 't hear very well . I 'm sure that 's why . I thought he was angry at the time , though , so I got upset . I said things I probably shouldn 't have . I told him I wasn 't coming home for a while . That wasn 't true . I wanted to come home as soon as possible , but Evan yelled stupid things at me , horrible things . " How can you do this ? " he said . " How can you leave your child ? No decent mother picks up and leaves her own daughter . Without saying goodbye . How can you be so selfish ? " Can you believe that ? He had no right to say those things . I 've never done anything to deserve that . So I told him to shoulder the responsibility for a while . I said he could learn what it felt like to look after another human life twenty - four hours a day . He needs to learn . He doesn 't understand . He said he has a job to do , but I have the hardest job in the world . You understand that , don 't you ? I said he didn 't appreciate me . I didn 't mean that . I was upset . Evan hung up after that . I don 't blame him . The music was so annoying and you know how ridiculous I get when I 'm upset . Christine 's friends were gone , so I went into the living room and Christine offered me a beer . All I wanted to do was sleep , but I needed to relax . So I drank a beer with Christine , and we talked for a while . It was nice to catch up . We talked about stuff that happened when we were kids , like the time Rick Fletcher cut half my ponytail off with his safety scissors and Christine tied him to the basketball hoop with a jump rope . Or the time I saw her kissing Scott Carpenter on the front lawn and I thought she wasn 't breathing . I know you hadn 't spoken to Christine since she dropped out , but those stories used to make you laugh . They made me laugh too , until Evan called back . I didn 't check the number and I was laughing when I answered my phone . He didn 't like it . He asked how I could laugh while Nikki was waiting for her bedtime story . She wouldn 't sleep until she heard it from Mommy . He said he was glad abandonment brought me so much joy . He asked how I felt about burdening his mother with the responsibility of watching Nikki after school while he tried to provide for the family and I swapped stories with my deadbeat sister . Those were his exact words . He wouldn 't even let me talk . He wouldn 't let me laugh . What kind of husband doesn 't want his wife to laugh ? You see where this all started getting out of hand , right ? It 's miscommunication . I try to talk and Evan doesn 't listen . He misinterpreted the situation and wouldn 't let me correct him . He thought I sat around all night , drinking and laughing and having a wonderful time . Right off the bat , he thought I took some kind of vacation , like I enjoyed leaving , like I wanted to leave . How can he know what I want if he won 't listen ? It wasn 't a vacation . I went out the next day and got a job , an actual job , selling hand lotion from one of those carts at the mall . I threw myself at people and begged them to try the hand lotion , and they ignored me . They avoided me . They pretended to talk on their cell phones just so they wouldn 't have to look at me . It was horrible . I wasn 't happy , and it wasn 't a vacation . But Evan thought it was , just because I laughed when I answered the phone . He blew it out of proportion . He blew everything out of proportion . I 'm sorry . I know I shouldn 't get so worked up . I 'm just frustrated , because I know now where everything went horribly wrong , and I 'm so mad at myself for not seeing it then . But I knew if I told you , you 'd see it too . You 'd realize this whole thing was just a big accident , one big mistake . Once you hear the whole story , you 'll understand , and you 'll help him understand . I went with Christine to work the next day , because the people at the hand lotion cart only needed me every other day , and Christine didn 't want me sulking around the apartment alone . Christine works at a coffee shop now , serving all those bleary - eyed college kids on their laptops . All those doctors and engineers , authors , accountants , all sitting together feeding a caffeine addiction . Learning together . Poor Christine has to sit and watch them all finish what she started . It must hurt , but she pretends like it doesn 't . If I didn 't know any better , I 'd say she loves her job . She 's that good at smiling it away . But I went with her , and I sat down and started reading that book again , the one I told you about . The one from Christine 's coffee table . And about an hour later , someone tapped me on the shoulder . So I turned around and - you know when you recognize someone but can 't remember how you know them ? This woman said hello and started asking me how I 've been , and for the life of me I couldn 't figure out who she was . I made small talk for a while , and thankfully a man came up behind her and told her she was late for something , and she hurried off . And I was curious , I knew it would drive me crazy if I never remembered who she was , so I grabbed the man 's wrist and pulled him back towards my table . It kind of surprised him , I guess , because he tripped and bumped the table with his hip and knocked my book onto the floor . It was funny , because all I wanted to do was ask the name of his friend , and I caused this big scene . You know how much I hate it when people stare at me , and everyone in the shop was looking at us . That 's why I blushed , because I hated the attention . He was only laughing because it was so awkward , so bizarre that some stranger grabbed his hand . Grabbed his wrist and pulled him over just to ask a stupid question , making a complete fool of herself . He introduced himself to be polite . Wouldn 't you introduce yourself to someone after nearly knocking them to the ground ? His name was Sam . The woman was his sister , Lisa McManus . Her maiden name was Dell . She went to my high school . Her mother Charlotte ran the concession stand at basketball games . Christine said she saw what happened , but it was lunchtime and the shop was busy . There must 've been at least twelve people in line . It wasn 't like she was standing around doing nothing . She doesn 't know what happened . You know how Christine gets . She makes such a big deal out of everything . I even told her the whole story when she asked . I didn 't have anything to hide . I didn 't do anything wrong . But Christine sees what she wants to see . It 's not my fault she 's unhappy . We 're all unhappy . That doesn 't mean we need to go around telling lies . I tried to call Evan that night , but he wouldn 't answer his phone . I thought I 'd give him a few days to cool off before I tried again . I couldn 't force him to talk to me . There was nothing I could do . I planned on taking all the money I made at the hand lotion cart and spending it on Nikki when I got home . The man in charge told me I was a natural salesperson . He said I could make a good living selling things if I wanted . They only needed me every other day , though , so I went to the coffee shop on my days off . What else was I supposed to do ? I would 've made myself sick sitting alone all day , thinking about Nikki and Evan and how unhappy they were because of me . I would 've gone home right then , but Evan didn 't want to speak to me , let alone see me . So I went to the coffee shop , just to pass the time , and the man who knocked my book over - you remember , Sam - he was there again . I told you about Sam , Lisa McManus 's brother . He 's taking some courses at the community college , so he comes in for coffee every once in a while . He saw me and wanted to apologize again . He sat down because he had a little time before class and he liked the book I was reading . Like I said , I don 't even remember the title . It wasn 't an interesting book . Christine only found it in my bag because I wanted to finish reading it at home . I never stop reading a book in the middle , even if I hate it . Like you always said , it 's wasteful to not finish what you 've started . Sam and I didn 't talk long . He asked how I was enjoying the book , asked if I had any classes that afternoon . He thought I was a student . It was flattering . I guess if I had gone to college , I would 've been in grad school by now . Sam 's not a full time student . He 's in the Army and going to Iraq in January . He 's a nice man . A nice kid . He 's only nineteen , practically still a child . Still learning . I don 't have many friends , you know . The mothers of Nikki 's classmates , they think I 'm so young . I don 't speak to any of my old high school friends . You remember how busy I was right after Nikki was born . And they were busy too , planning graduation parties and getting ready for college . It 's hard to keep in touch . It 's hard to make friends . Evan 's working so often and Nikki hates every babysitter I hire and there 's nothing wrong with making new friends at a coffee shop . Every day , people have coffee with other people they barely know . It 's normal . Sam 's not even a friend . He 's an acquaintance . I saw him three times . I 'll never see him again . It happens all the time . You 'd understand if you met Christine 's friends . I know she 's an adult , and she has every right to choose who she wants to spend time with and how she wants to spend it . But she 's exactly the same person she was in college . She hasn 't changed one bit . I asked if she ever thought about going back , finishing her degree , and she laughed it off . She said she makes enough money working at the coffee shop and selling her sketches to keep her happy . A few of her friends take classes at the college , and she won 't even consider it . Maybe staying at Christine 's was a mistake . I just wanted to rest for a few days , but she had friends over almost every night . She had guys over , and her bedroom was right next to mine . The walls were so thin I could hear everything . It made my skin crawl . I felt like I had bugs all over me . You can 't expect me to sleep like that . You can 't blame me for leaving . I just wanted to take a walk . It 's not a huge city , and Christine lives right downtown , right across from every bar every college kid goes to on the weekends . Running into people on the street isn 't even a coincidence there . It 's expected . I didn 't expect it , of course , because I don 't live there . There 's no way I could 've known . I sat down on a bench and I guess it must 've been around two o ' clock , when all the bars close , because whole groups of people started stumbling out at the same time . I wasn 't paying attention , but I heard someone call my name , so I looked up and saw Sam crossing the street . Sam from the coffee shop . I told you , he 's a nice guy . He saw me and wanted to say hi because he 's a nice guy . He likes to make people feel good by remembering their faces from coffee shops and saying hello when he sees them on the weekends . I 'm sure he does it all the time . He didn 't have anywhere to be , and I didn 't have anywhere to go , so we talked for a while . And this is where you really need to pay attention . You have to listen , because no one else will listen to me . Everyone believes what they want to believe because they think I 'm young and stupid . I made one mistake five years ago . I was a good kid , I made one mistake , and no one trusts me anymore . I never lie to you . I 've always done what you thought was best . I married Evan when he asked . I stayed at home with Nikki so he could work . I 've given everything to my family . So you have to understand . Believe me . I felt sorry for Sam . He asked if he could send me letters from Iraq . He doesn 't have anyone else . His mother 's dead , he doesn 't talk with his father . His sister 's so busy with school . He doesn 't have a girlfriend . But he 's scared . He told me he doesn 't usually talk about it , because if he doesn 't talk about how scared he feels , he can pretend there 's no reason to be scared in the first place . All he wanted to do was send me a letter . What kind of person would I be if I said no ? I couldn 't live with myself if I said no . I gave him my phone number . I told him to call me before he left so I could give him my address . I didn 't know if I 'd be back home by then . Evan wasn 't speaking to me . I would 've explained everything , but Evan wouldn 't pick up the damn phone . Christine jumped to conclusions . She didn 't know I had left the apartment . I walked in at three in the morning and she just assumed . The picture she found in the book the next day , Sam gave it to me because he had a spare in his wallet . It was one of those pictures with the flag in the background . He was proud of it . He wanted to give it to a friend that night , but she never showed up , so he gave it to me instead . He wrote his number on the back in case he couldn 't reach me . You have a picture of Gary Convey fishing at Table Rock . You have his number in your address book . Does that mean you don 't love Daddy anymore ? Christine 's a spoiled child who doesn 't think actions have consequences for anyone but herself . She writes stories in her head , just like the ones she wrote in high school , but for God 's sake , we 're not kids anymore . She can 't just reach down and take what 's mine because she 's older . It 's not about what 's fair or unfair . It 's about my husband and my daughter , and I won 't ignore it this time . She wants a family and I 'm not allowed to have what she wants . It 's always been that way . I can 't go home now . Not yet . I 'm not afraid of Evan . I know he believes Christine right now , but I 'm not really afraid he 'll leave me . Evan loves me . He always has . If he knew the whole story , he 'd forgive me . For leaving . But no one knows the truth . If I show my face now , no one will look at me the same way . The mothers at Nikki 's school , her teacher , women in the grocery store , the man at the post office . They 'll talk to me like always , but I know what they 'll be thinking . I 'll see it in their eyes . No one will hear me over their own judgments . Everything will change . I 've given my whole life to Evan . I had his child and I married him and I love him and all I wanted was a little time to myself . A week , at the most . Why would I throw everything away for a boy I just met ? Don 't you think I have more sense than that ? Haven 't I always been the smart one ? Haven 't I always been mature for my age ? I love Nikki more than anything . More than everything . I can 't lose her . You have to talk to Evan . Make him understand . He has to believe me . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . This dark world is here among us . Conventional borders and territorial boundary lines do not keep us away from this side . There are no train tracks to cross , no fences to climb or rivers to traverse . Each of these would normally reveal that you have left the comforts of your home neighborhood and entered into the shadier part of town . No , this world is all around … and most don 't even know it ! This shrouded side is neither a politically - imposed refuge like our shantytowns home of the lost and confounded , nor a gated - community like Hyde Park where the Bagpiping Barons and Wealth - inherited Weasels live . Yet , this dark side is there , too . It is a hidden world all around . I was following a reliable lead on the mysterious disappearances of several young women from various neighborhoods . I had heard of something dark behind the story , but did not know the details at the time . My lead led me to a quaint joint that was across town . It was a social venue , but not very lively . There was a band playing . I asked the bartender for a drink . He pointed to a sign saying that he was legit , " No Alcohol Served Here . " I took him on his word . I asked him if he knew anything about the missing girls . No answer . I asked if he knew if anything strange had been happening lately . No answer , but a cocky - sounding grunt . Man , I was getting no where with this guy . No drink and no answers … which panned out to no good night and no story . I found my way to a corner both to enjoy the music and survey the joint of anyone that might give me some leads . The music was a bit light for my taste . I could tell that the clarinetist seemed to agree with that . He appeared a bit restless with the choice of song sets as . He seemed to be playing just a little louder than the band director wanted . They kept giving each other the evil - eye . As soon as I sat down at the table , a tall dark bloak sat down next to me . I could immediately feel something not right about him . Yet , I gave my hand out in friendship . Maybe knew something . This invitation was clearly unsolicited . That may fly in France among the Absinthe houses populated by the Parisian Art community ; but not in America ! Fortunately , a fellow gentleman put a broad hand on the unwelcome flagrant and told him to go bite the curb . It seemed as if things were about to escalate , when the establishment 's owner slammed down an empty mug that he had been cleaning . Both men looked back at him . The owner 's eyes were like daggers on the unwanted stranger . To my relief he sulked away . The more friendly stranger sat down . He introduced himself as Benny . He order us both a meal . He told me that I had just tangoed with a real life Vampire ! My blood ran cold … at least for the rest of my night I would be less desirable to any more of these foul fiends . Since Benny seemed to know somewhat of this dark world that I was trying to learn more about , I asked him if he knew anything about the missing girls . He shrugged me off and said I should be talking about any of this . I tried to get me to " run on home " . Knighten Foraine never backs down from a story , though . He knew something and that meant that I wasn 't going anywhere until I found out . I was going to stick to him like soot on a chimney - sweeps underpants . When the band ended their song , I turned to clap and acknowledge their performance . As I turned back around we had been joined by a fox . Yes , you read that right … a forestland frolicking furry fox . And if that was not out of the ordinary enough , he SPOKE … in an Irish accent ! ! Readers , if you are having trouble at this point whether you should continue on or put down that paper - - I know how you are feeling . I urge you to continue . Why ? Because this is all true . I stake my reputation and value as a citizen of America , that I am telling it just how it happened . Returning now to the fox . Please , follow me on this . It actually was a talking fox . He said his name was Kyle ( yes , foxes can have names , too ) ; he was a kitsune from legends ( well actually half - kitsune … which meant only one parent was kitsune , the other was , well … you know … one of us . ) Okay , now if this is too much for you , put the paper down just long enough to take a long drag of your tobacco pipe to calm your nerves because you don 't want to miss what is about to happen . I asked him if he knew anything . He did know something , unfortunately it was nothing of importance something about the moors just South of Dublin and something about buried faerie treasure , yoddy , yoddy , yoddy . The kitsune 's long monologue was interrupted when a member of the band , the unorthodox clarinetist , slammed himself down on the booth seat . Immediately , I could tell that he was a pistol ready to fire . I made a mental note not to get on this guy 's bad side . The clarinetist began swearing up a storm about how the band director was the worst person on Earth . I must admit that most of what came out of his mouth would not be appropriate for this newspaper , or was simply unrecognizable as words . His accent was thicker than the kit fox . He must have just got off the boat . Once he calmed down a bit , I was able to ask if he knew anything . Again , not much luck . He said his name was Henry . He did know about some strange activity regarding the Vampires . He apparently moonlighted ( or daylighted , since his band gigs where at night ) as Vampire Hunter . But , he knew for sure that if some Vampires were responsible for missing girls he would be the first to know about it . I don 't know his connections in the Vampire community , but they seemed quite solid . With that , he was back on the bandstand playing another set . My friend Celena Glistine ( I call her CG for short ) walked in unexpectedly . I don 't even know how she knew about this place . CG and I go back quite a ways , but it is too complicated to explain in this article . Just know that I was very surprised to see her , yet she did bring a bit of comforting light to such a darkening place . Somehow , Kyle knew my friend , but she was not liking his vibe at all . By the way , Kyle if you are reading this column ( I just assume that if you can talk you can read , too ) the name is Knighten , K - N - I - G - H - T - E - N . Knighten Foraine . It is not Knight . It is not Knightly . It is not Knight of the Round ! It is Knighten ! Anyway , the last member of this party showed up . A cop from the Southside . He introduced himself as Krzysztof He had just got off his beat . He looked a bit tired . I asked him that same questions . He wasn 't very hospitable . I felt that he was a hard - jawed officer that kept things close to the chest . He looked at me like I was just some kid . After I was about to give up on these guys , and go looking for answers on my own , Benny sized me up and said , " Look kid , there are things out there that you could only dream of in your worst nightmares . You don 't got what it takes . Go home before you get hurt ! " " I can take what ever is dished out to me . I might have been born with a slightly tarnished silver spoon in my mouth , but I have been able to swallow whole pieces of chopped liver for breakfast . You dish , I 'll take it . " " Prove it . You take a hit on this guy . One black eye , and we will back you up . We will tell you everything you need to know . Heck ! We 'll even take you to the bowels of Hell if you ask . " The ornery clarinetist had just returned and was standing at the end of Benny 's pointed finger . He looked more disgruntled than ever . It felt like an auction at the Stock Yards . What was I getting into ? Once the bets were made , Henry spit on a cloth from his pocket and rubbed it on the side of his chin . " I 'll give you one free hit right here . " The place had cleared out and our party were the only ones left . Half of us were cheering for Henry the other half for me . I thought , one free shot , Knighten you better give him everything you got . I could tell he was a bit over - cocky and if I egged him on he might move just enough off balance . From the way that he moved , it didn 't seem that he was much of a weakness to anything . I didn 't let that stop me though . I knew from my college days that I had brought down many opponents to the mat . They didn 't call me the Knightcap for nothing . I had made many an opponent drift off to sleep with one punch ; this guy would be no different . I squared him up , feinted forward and saw him reflex the intended blow . I then released an astounding cross - over stepping in with all my weight . It was like punching right into a bag of flour . I took only a half step back . With all my force , I had not even phased him . In fact , I just enraged him . His face went as red as his trademark hair . I could see Death in his eyes . He was about ready to send me to my Maker just from looking at me , when I suddenly thrust out my hand to make peace and bow out . To my relief he took me up on it . He squeezed my hand like uncle Marvel used to do . He left it throbbing on releasing my hand . " Listen kid . My father always told me , ' You don 't question when a man makes the Tatras move JUST an inch . ' Here 's your $ 10 . A bet 's a bet . " " I don 't need the money . You keep it , give it to someone widow in your neighborhood . Goodness knows she needs it more than I do in these trying times . " " You 're all right , kid . " He said affirmatively . " Fellas , the kids in . " The rest of the group instinctively knew what he meant . I had done it ! With a bit of luck and one sore hand , they were going to help me get this story . Readers , if this is the last column I write it is not that I do not have anything more to write . It will be because I am going into the treacherous dark , where I might not return . If this dark world takes me know this , you can bet that I am biting on to this story like a British Bulldog and I won 't let it go until it squeals out the truth like a whorish hog . It had only been a few weeks on Earth , but it seemed like an eternity . Will I ever get back home ? I have no choice . I cannot give up . I will not be like my other fallen brethren . I 've lost too many friends and have seen them in the battlefield before . Their hatred slowly corrupts them as each day passes . If they lose out on their spots in paradise , why should the humans be any different ? Well I lost out on my chance on paradise , but I don 't want others to suffer my same fate . Maybe this is why I have retained some shred of my being . Maybe I haven 't truly been exiled . Maybe this is a chance for me to prove myself in His eyes . All I know is I won 't give up . I have made several friends since I have been here . One which truly understands me is the pastor of the local protestant church , Pastor Robins . Up until recently he had been questioning his faith . Is God real ? What happens after death ? He was getting ready to give it all up . It was thanks to my new friend , Krzysztof , who brought me into the church with me wearing only the coat off his back . The pastor was shocked . We sat in his office for hours that night as I told him my story . He sat in complete silence taking in each word . It was later that I learned of the pistol and bottle of scotch that were scheduled to have a meeting with him if our meeting had not occurred . As time passed Pastor Robins was immersed deeper into our world . The demons and angels of his faith more than just that . They are real creatures that bump and bump back in the night and I was here to help tip the scales in heaven 's favor . It turns out this may be my only way back . This was how I met Kyle . It was supposed to be a hunt for a possible demon trouble maker , a lower one . That is another story leading to a dead end however . This lead me to the events of recent . I was told that this lead would be much more fruitful . I heard rumors that Nicodemus may be in town . This would be some real bad news . We are talking the opposite of Michael , the archangel . So I set off to find Krys but with no luck . I left a message with his mom and headed to find what I could . As I arrived at the lounge I was greeted by an interesting sight . It turns out my friend Henry has a gig at the joint . Could mean two things either one there is a high amount of vampire activities , or his band manager is a terrible organizer when it comes to dangerous places . Well might as well enjoy the show . That was until I saw the kid walk in . He looked like he was straight out of prep - school . This kid stood out like a sore thumb and I wasn 't the only one who noticed . A red court hopped on him like he was the last drop of blood in the joint . I approached the fool and told him to scram . If it weren 't for the owner backing me up I would have broken treaty and so would he . The kid has no clue what just happened and I don 't expect him to . I decided I should buy him dinner before I send him on his way . Maybe a vamp that hungry would leave and go off somewhere else . After sitting and talking with the kid I find out why he is really here . It turns out its the same cultish lead I am after . At this point Kyle joins us accompanied by some lady who the kid claims is with her . The broad is beautiful , but I don 't have time for this , eternity awaits me . So we sit and have a talk till Henry gets done with work . As he finally gets off who other than Krys shows up . After all our lovely friends have decided to join us we talk about the situation at hand . The kid seems eager to join us on these dangers . I give him a stipulation , give Henry a shiner if he can or go home and never look back . Henry agrees like I knew he would . Krys and I place bets on the spectacle unraveling before our eyes . After bets are placed , we had a slight hope in our mind that the kid would actually win . Maybe it was uView Its 3 : 00 A . M . in the morning and I am back in my one room apartment here on the second floor . I just got out of jail . The silence is killing me . I want to go out with Benny and do some drinking because of the stories that the gang told me . While I was in jail … well first let me start how I got there . It all started with meeting this reporter yesterday . He wanted to investigate some disappearances of women in the area . One thing lead to another and we became friends , acquaintances really . At any rate , we agreed to meet at our friend the policeman 's place in the morning for coffee to discuss the disappearances and if the supernatural had anything to do with it . Not that I would like a reporter in on this but Knighten ( that 's the reporter 's name ) is also invited . Now I usually try to keep the paps out of this because they can really mess things up ( then again I try to keep the cops out but I have one for a pal ) . At any rate , we get together to discuss what we are going to do and we decide to let Kristoff ( that 's the cop ) do what he does so well and check with neighboring precincts . He knew a guy ( I cousin of his I think ) who possibly knew what was going on because it was in the middle of the ' Reds ' territory . Well story goes that about 14 virgins ( I still could not imagine that there was that many in Chicago ) had turned up missing but not on the paps ( not popular enough eh ) . Well we got impulsive and while our dear friend was looking into it the legal way we decided to do a little looking of our own ; bad idea . We go looking for disappearances and got a small list of names of people that had lived in the area and go knocking on doors like a bunch of mormons ( you know the guys with the suits ) . Stupid us we bring the annoying fox , Kyle , along for the ride . While we are attempting to be serious he uses his magic er , what ever to manipulate my looks so that a kilt wearing guy like myself appears like a woman . It works , there 's the three of us humans ( and the fox worn around Benny 's neck like grandma 's shawl ) . This old geezer answers the door and looks at us . Of course I introduce us and because the fox 's trick the guy freaks out and then the fox speaks and the man passes out . I wanted no part of it but Knighton ask me to help him back into the house and Benny starts looking for clues as to why this old guy 's daughter disappeared . Yea , we found nothing . The guy comes too and calls the cops . Now we didn 't know this but it complicates out lives even more because again , we are not in Kristoff 's turf but in fact his cousins and as I heard he was making nice with the police chief of the area . Well the cops show and the fox will no shut up . Naturally someone has to explain the supernatural and the next thing I know I am taking one for the team and claiming that I am a ventriloquist and an ass . So I go quietly but the fox ( who I took with me ) will not shut his hole and keeps talking ) . The cop who thinks that its me asks politely to keep quiet and the fox continues and I finally have to shut him up myself because the cop is quite upset ( as am I ) . Well we got book and arrested and I spent some time in the clink while the fox went to the locker . I heard that while the fox and I was in the lock up that our friend the cop returned and he was quite upset with what we had done and cussed about his efforts to keep the peace with the other cops and told them that he planned to meet with family to discuss the case ( I really wished it had turned out for him ; I explain later ) . The arrangements were made and the two were going to meet at Rigley 's Field . Kristoff had worked out with Benny and Knighton ( whom I refer as Baby Face affectionately ; he does , he has a cute face . I almost punched it once . I 'll tell you the story some time ) . Well when they went down to the meeting , Benny and Baby Face followed Kristoff to the field and they were supposed to watch from outside and stand watch if there was any monkey business . They came to nothing but an empty car with a corpse inside ; yup , the cousin . More dead then a bag of hammer and with his throat ripped clean out . No blood just a dead guy . The shock shook the cop to the core and the hunt started to find out what the missing girls and dead cop had in common and what was really going on ; who knows . We need to get to the bottom of this and fast because people are going to die fast if we do not get this figured out . I have been experimenting a little bit several spells I am learning in this Parcaemancer book I found by happens stance in my old college library . I didn 't steal it … I am just " borrowing " it until I am fully done with it . ( Which according to how some of my spells are going , might not be for a LONG time ! Rats on that HEMOTHAUMAGORGIUM spell ! ) Anyway , I am definitely not good enough for any ritual spells , so I have been practicing on my spare time . Yet , it seems that my powers are more focused when CG is helping me . At any rate , I created from an ordinary photograph that I " borrowed " from a co - worker at the Register , and some hair I gathered from Sandy 's ( Name changed to protect the innocent ) comb ( I hope you don 't mind buddy ! ) what the book calls a Memorata Lumotograph . I used the old photo to focus my spirit magic and pull a memory from Sandy 's past using his hair , at least that 's what I think the spell is supposed to do . I included the Lumotograph in this book . Let me know what you think . And … Sandy don 't kill me … it wouldn 't be good for the soul . Crap ! This is just a bunch of crap ! Why won 't Ripley let me publish what I really want to publish ? He goes and takes my article and chops it up . This only gives the public a mere fraction of the events that really happened . He says that the public just won 't believe it . Isn 't he the one who 's catch phrase is , " Believe it , Or Not " ? I mean really ! Ripley even changed the name of the downed officer . How far from the truth can you get ? Well , in order to make sure that these truths are never forgotten , I am writing them here . Where Ripley has no authority and editing rights . The new troupe that has promised to help me on my latest case , started the day early . Officer Krzysztof Krystkowiak headed over to the Little Italy Police Precinct to get some assistance . He is very " by the book " kind of guy . In my opinion this slows him down a bit . I think he sometimes doesn 't see the bigger picture at times . Yet , I realize that if he steps over too many lines , he could ruin his career . That would be terrible for his family ; and would probably ruin all his possibilities to work on leads . So I respect him for that . Officer Krystkowiak met his second - cousin at the precinct . His cousin told him that nobody was looking into the 14 missing persons case . In fact , they didn 't even think it was a case . I don 't know how Krzysztof even kept his cool at moment . Krzysztof asked to talk with the police chief , a big broad man by the name of Captain Luigi Armario ( interesting name ; I wonder if he is keeping any skeletons in his " closet " ? ) The Chief was not very please to even meet with Officer Krystkowiak , yet out of respect for a fellow officer he gave Krzysztof some time to address the recent events . I wish I could have been there . From what Krzysztof told us , once Krzysztof opened his mouth the Chief bowed out like a whipped dog . One quip from Krzysztof and the Chief turned the case over to Krzysztof . Unfortunately , that " by the book " code took over , and Krzysztof realize that he still did not have any jurisdiction in Little Italy ; so he gave the assignment over to his cousin . Meanwhile , Benny took us all to his library . Its not actually his library , it is more like His library . The collection of books belongs to one of the local cathedrals , the same church that Benny has been staying at . The priest was very kind and let us all peruse all the ancient text . We were looking for something that fit the description of the supernatural creature or being that could be causing all the Red Court Vampires to be leaving their territorial feeding grounds ; and that could be behind all the reports of the missing girls . Our searches didn 't reveal any direct details , but it did narrow down some hunches . Henry could have been a little more help in providing more clues about his specialty , Vampires , but it seems that he hung out with his band the previous night drinking . I suspect that he didn 't get to bed until 4 am . I hope he will be of more research help on later days . Other members of the troupe were kind enough to add to the library . I gave what I could from my personal collection . A few minor books on magic that I have been collecting in old book stores . I don 't know how much of it is useful or not . The only book that I kept is the one that I am still " borrowing " from my old university 's library . It is a book on Parcaemancy . After about 3 or 4 hours of researching in Benny 's Library , Krzysztof returned from Little Italy . He told us what I have already written . He then went on his own again to get some more leads from a " friend " in his neighborhood . I offered to give him a ride , but he preferred to walk . I think he just likes to do things alone . His " friend " was a leader of a small Prussian Syndicate named Ludomir . Ludomir would not reveal much . Fortunately , one of Ludomir 's cronies , Petrov was a little bit loose with his tongue . Not one of the brightest chaps , but not someone I want to meet alone in a darkened alley . Petrov let slip that some mob activity might be involved in all this supernatural goulash . While Krzysztof was away , I felt that we would best be of help if we looked from some clues on our own . Even though he directly advised us not to , we decided to go to Little Italy and ask some questions . Ripley had given me two names of the girls that went missing . I knew that it wasn 't much , but they were something . Kyle , Henry , and Benny joined me . I wanted to find out if there were any connections between the missing girls . This might reveal the reason why they were taken . At first it seemed like a great idea , all up until we arrived at the first house . As I knocked on the door , the wretch of an demon , Kyle decides that he is not too keen on " just " going to ask questions . He decides to have a little fun with our friendly Scotsman . The Scot stayed friendly all the way up till he found himself wearing a lady 's - dress - of - a - kilt with bosoms to match . The grandfather that answered the door became startled when Henry 's deep Baritone voice came out of a woman . Henry , though infuriated , quickly changed roles to play the part . I vouched for him stating he was getting over a cold . But all that was for not , when suddenly the Kitsune beast , who was masterfully playing as if he were a fur tuff on Benny 's collar , suddenly proceeded to have a conversation with the grandpa . The grandpa 's heart might not have been well ( that rat might have killed him if he pushed him any further ) , he collapsed in a sudden faint . Henry and I carried him to the couch . Benny ( who should have been keeping that fox in check … I suppose it didn 't seem out of the ordinary for him , after all Benny was still getting used to being human ) . Benny began searching the man 's house . We did not finding anything out of the ordinary . Meanwhile , I was looking around the house for some ammonia to use as a smelling salt . I couldn 't finding anything . The way the house looked , I bet this guy could afford a maid to come in and clean twice a week . No wonder why I didn 't find something as simple as ammonia . Once Benny was satisfied that there were no clues to be found , he filled a glass of water , took one sip , then threw the rest on the elderly gentleman . This woke him up with a jolt . But that didn 't last long , when Kyle opened up his big mouth again . We decided to leave him on the couch and go our way , since there was nothing to be found . The next house went better ( Kyle was not permitted on the grounds ) , but our results were the same . Nothing . As we were leaving , a patrol car pulled up to our car before we could get in . The officer put on his lights . " Were you three the ones that just came from the Giacomo Estate ? " " I am a reporter for the Ripley Register . I was asking Mr . Giacomo about his granddaughter . Here is my press pass . What ever inconvenience we caused Mr . Giacomo , we apologize and would like to make restitution … " " A wise guy , eh ? You are coming down to the station . " The officer put the cuffs on Henry . Once in the car , it became apparent that Henry had more plans than just " taking on for the team " . We could see him wailing on the defenseless Kyle . He was doing it for REVENGE ! Before , the officer got into his vehicle , Benny notice a vague resemblance to our friend Krzysztof . Benny point this out . The officer confirmed that he was Krzysztof 's second cousin . We tried to use this as one last pitch to get Henry off . Unfortunately , it blew up in our faces . The officer just turned to get in his patrol car and scoffed , " Krzysztof 's friends , eh , should have known . " Then , drove away . I didn 't know how Krzysztof would take that . It turns out that Kyle 's little stunt affected more than just an angry Scotsman . Krzysztof was livid that we had directly went against his advice . He believed that our simple actions might have lost his influence in the Little Italy Precinct , which meant that we were about to get shut down complete from this story . Fortunately , Krzysztof knew a thing or two about family . He told us there might be a chance if we stuck to his lead . After all the dead ends we hit to day , I wouldn 't mind some much of sticking to the book if it meant we could get some answers . We all agreed to follow Krzysztof 's lead . His first command : Borsht . We were invited to eat at Lumita 's place . Krzysztof introduced us to his mother . But before doing so , he gave us the strictest of instructions that there was to be absolutely no funny business in front of Lumita . She was a precious portly woman with dark hair and a bright smile . Her cheeks were warmly , just like her Borsht . She took pride in her culture . Her house was decorated in small trinkets and curios from the old country . Though her English was a bit broken , she described each piece in exquisite detail as she provided us her personal tour . My favorite was a painting of a mountain cottage painted by Krzysztof 's great - great grandmother . That mountains , oil on canvas , seemed so bold and life like with color . The cottage though was serene and simple . The detail with in the windows of the cottage was something to behold . I could not fathom how she capture such detail with a brush . It reminded me of some of the works of art forged through magic , that I have read about in my book . Maybe , Krzysztof comes from a magic bloodline after all . She sat us down at a large wooden table . By now the whole house was filled with the savory aroma of her homemade Borsht . Benny was the first to finish his bowl . Krzysztof was hardly even touching his mother 's Borsht . Instead he seemed lost in thought gazing through the shear drapes hanging in the front window . " Mama , excuse me , there is something I must do . He stood up and put his napkin on his empty chair . He did this so neatly , it was clear that this was a tradition that meant he was only leaving for a short while . I left out the front door . Sure enough , he returned but he was not alone . Behind him heavily walked a large man , definitely Polish with a large chin and wide - spaced eyes . His two eyebrows nearly touched each other in one continous hairy arch . " Mama , this is Petrov . He is a friend of Ludo . I did not want him to wait out in the cold . " Petrov just responded with a big grin and a single slow nod . With one scoop of his spoon his bowl was emptied . I sensed that this did not set well with Benny , who was trying to make a good impression on Krzysztof 's mom . Benny asked for another . Petrov realized the challenge , filling his bowl again , too . Bowl after bowl the two were locked in barf - inducing beefy buffet battle . Neither had the desire to be bested . In the end , Benny had to pull out all the stops to finish his last bowl . Petrov bowed out just shy of a tie by less than half a bowlful . Krzysztof enjoyed their enthusiasm , but was just grateful no one stained his mother 's rugs with a slip of emesis . By the end of dinner everyone seemed to be old friends . Incredible the magic a pot of Borsht possesses . Once Petrov had left we were all replaying the events of the Borsht Contest . The laughing and gaiety was broken with the phone ringing on the wall in the sitting room . Krzysztof paused before answering it . He picked it up , " Hello ? " " Good . How about you come with us ? Knighten , I will take you up on that ride . Do you know the way to Wrigley 's Field ? " " Mama , I might be out late to night . Make sure to lock up . " With that we put on our coats and hopped into my car . Krzysztof had us park about a mile away from the field and walk . " What ever happens , I want you to stay hidden . If anything goes wrong you run and get Benny . Benny , I need you to keep your distance a bit . It will all make sense a little later . " Benny and I both agreed to the plan . The rest of the mile was all in silence . It seemed like a long single mile . I stayed in the shadows while Krzysztof entered the park . He had told us he was meeting his cousin about something important . He was gone only five minutes when I saw him drop to his knees . I struggled to decide whether to stay put or run to his side . I made up my mind once I heard him wailing in to the night . I ran to see what had happened . I found Krzysztof splayed out over the body of his cousin . I recognized his face as the officer that had taken Henry and Kyle to the station . The body was clearly lifeless . His mouth was gapping horrifically , as if his last moments were spent in agony . I immediately felt the pain Krzysztof must have been feeling . In the dim quivering light coming from Krzysztof 's flashlight I could sort of make out the wounds left in the victim 's neck . Krzysztof was not thinking about holding his light steady . Rather , his mind was transfixed on the macabre scene in front of him that was so close to him on more than one level . " No , go - - get - - Benny - - NOW ! " The tone of his voice was slow and deliberate . I didn 't question him . I ran off the field and down the road where we had left Benny . By the time Benny and I had returned , Krzysztof had already combed the area for any clues . He had skillfully regained his composure , and was back to being an nose - to - the - ground beat cop . Krzysztof pointed out the lack of blood on the body , even though his cousin 's wounds must have cause a lot of hemorrhaging . There was no blood on his clothes or even on the ground . He also pointed out that there was no forced entry into the park . It appeared as though Antoni was murdered in locus alterum and planted here inside Wrigley 's Field . Once our search revealed nothing else , per Krzysztof 's request we carried the body off the field . It was a cold , lonely precession just the three of us . It felt very eerie . Something just didn 't feel right . Maybe I was sensing something magic ( CG said as I became more in tune I would start to feel something , much like a sixth sense ) ; or maybe it was that fact that this was the first dead body I had ever seen , let alone touched . I never did get to see Granddad 's body , unfortunately it was a closed casket ; his death still weighs at my mind . Without warning , local cops showed up to take the body away . This seemed strange and out of place . I did not object to it because Officer Krystkowiak wasn 't concerned . Officer Krystkowiak went to the precinct to accompany the Little Italy officers . I took Benny back to the church and went back to the office to write somethings down . Late that night I got a call from Krzysztof to meet him in the morning . I am very curious what it is all about . It is strange enough to have a friend that is a fallen angel . Now I have a companion that is a magic fox . The events of the past few days have led me to believe that anything is possible - in fact , probable . We expect to receive our next ' Shipment ' tomorrow night at nine . This is working out better than any of us could have hoped … except for the human portion of the cargo . Still don 't know what he needs all of those virgins for , but as long as he keeps up with the whiskey we 're good . Talk about not needing any investigation , stuff falling into your lap , etc … This one even Henry could figure out ( great guy , no one better in a fist fight , but lets face it - the Scot has had his bell rung a few times ) . So , we cased the place out - first with Henry , Kyle , and that kid reporter Knighten , who has turned out to be invaluable and a good guy - although I don 't think he likes borscht … . They saw a few thugs from the Purple Gang with guns , but no signs of the girls , other than a whiff of perfume . After work , Kyle disguised himself , with MAGIC , to look like a kid , and we slowly walked by . This time , we got it - the girl was on a boat , and the whiskey was in the warehouse . We called in the cops for the warehouse , and went after the girl ourselves . We decide that we will sneak up on the 3 goons holding the girl by going under an " invisible glamour " cast by Kyle - yes , more MAGIC . We will use its cover to sneak on the boat unseen , and take out the Italians quietly - or so we thought . Somehow the magic users , Kyle & Knighten , forget that the moving water of Lake Michigan would dissipate the spell ! So , one moment we are quietly sneaking up , the next the veil has dropped and we are standing there , in clear view , on a gang plank ! Oops ! The battle went quickly , however . They decide to try and make a run for it , one of them laying down a stream of tommy gun fire . I swing at one before he gets past the covering fire - and hit an invisible wall of force - Paradox ! Henry decides to throw a crate at the shooter , and he proceeds to shoot the rigging around Knighten - who of course goes unconscious on the dock . Hmm , wasn 't Knighten unconscious at the beginning of the Car Chase ? I yell to Henry to drive , grab Knighten , and with Kyle still wrapped around Henry 's neck we get to the car - and see Benny on the corner . He mumbles something about a divine message to meet us there - and the chase that happened before , happens again . I 'm hungry . . well I often am . . I choose to try to get some food from a human I knew but since he didn 't like my fox look I tried being a human I knew named Benny . But the humans I knew seemed to be grumpy today and Krystof made me eat out side . After that they wanted to find the missing girls and hoped they where by the waters they called the docks . And so the human that guarded human law and I went there and I showed myself as a human child and I smelled the missing girls . Later we went in and I made them all unseeable and all was well . That is up to when we got to the human boat . . forgot moving water washes magic away . . I feel bad I chose to guard these humans I 'll do better . . I promise … a Kitsune learns . . a Kitsune grows , the bad humans will not get away I 'll make sure of it ! We had stopped the bad guys - see the logs Car Chase and Paradox - now we had to bring them in . I got a lucky shot off , and disarmed the guy with the tommy gun . I put him in cuffs , and looked over to see how the others were doing . Kyle had changed into a slobbering werewolf like that movie Wolf Blood - scary stuff . Benny was sitting on the guy . I asked Henry to take care of calling the local precinct , and looked for Knighten - who was right where I figured - comforting the damsel in distress , the virgin girl that had been in the trunk , a Miss Karen Masters . Knighten seems to have that way , always around the young beautiful women , it must be his youthful face . Knighten & I accompanied the cops when they arrived , Henry having stayed until they showed up . Benny and Kyle had already gone ahead , seems they had gotten an address from one of the bad guys . Must have been their natural charms , or the fact that Benny is house size and Kyle had been a werewolf , and somehow I think Henry had something to do with that as well . All I knew is that I had a lot of paperwork to do , and was surely going to have to say that the bad guy was hitting the sauce too hard - I could not let the cops think I was working with a magic fox ! Arriving at the station in the Italian district , for the second time in less than a week , was more than a bit uncomfortable . The Chief , I am sure , still blames me for my cousin 's death , and the looks of the officers told me the same story . I was , however , getting some pats on the back for nabbing 2 of the guys that were responsible for the kidnappings of the 14 young women . Paperwork . That most rancid of duties . It must be done , especially now , especially here . Then Knighten shows up , while I am in a most foul mood , at this temporary desk , where half the force hates me and the other half thinks I am a good cop , which means even more hate me . He tells me that the girl , Karen Masters , is fine , and it is time to go . I ask him nicely at first , to go ahead . He then starts badgering me . I think , trying to shut out his words . Lucia is sleeping with her dead husband 's brother , my dead cousin Antoni . Antoni 's former partner is staring at me . Knighten keeps going . Finally , I snap . Knighten is a good guy , but the pressure of 2 worlds is starting to get to me . Hopefully he understands . I sit back to my paperwork , and a few minutes later a man in a coat who sticks out to me comes into the station . He asks questions of the detective that I had made my verbal report to , and something he says catches my ear . I introduce myself , and ask the man to join me outside . He tells me his name is William Blake , and he is a lawman for the magic side of the world . For some reason , I trust this man . I finish my paperwork quickly , and we take his horse and carriage to the address that Benny , Kyle , Henry , and Knighten were bound for . I will not detail my conversation with William , but I like him , trust him , and I think we can help each other . Arriving on the scene we found an unconscious Kyle . I knew I had made the right decision on Mr . Blake when all he said was , " A Kitsune ? Fascinating , " and continued through some shattered root cellar doors . ( I learned later that the discussion of how to get in ended with " Who needs an axe ? We have a Scotsman ! " Henry , Henry , Henry ) Before anyone jumps out of the car Henry threatens , " Keep this inside the Law ! Or else we cost Kris his badge … I 'd rather not be thrown in the pokey again , either . Angel - boy this means you ! " Something about his presence felt uncomforting as he said this . As the car was rolling to a complete stop and before I even put it into park , Benny flew out his open door and pounced on top of one of the thugs trying to flee the scene . I saw Kyle throw a horrifying glamour like a cloak over his small fox - like body . The glamour liquidously lurched upright into the form of hideous wolfman with vulpine features . The visage had a narrow muzzle full of razor sharp teeth ; thick gelatinous drool dripped from its blood - red gums . Its black ferociously charged lips were pulled back and quivered with readiness . If I didn 't know it was Kyle underneath I would have felt the urge to pop the clutch back into drive and run him over with my bumper . The one thug still in the car was suddenly barred from opening his door as he stared bare faced into the eyes of the Vulpine Man . The thug couldn 't speak or even move . I could not seen the exact details of his face from my point of view , but I thought I saw his eyes closed tightly and is lower lip shaking . Even from my distance I could hear him mumbling something incoherent . The last thug escaped the gaze of Kyle 's glamour beast . He raised his gun to shoot it . Bang ! A gun went off . But it was not the thug 's gun . Krzys was now out of the car bracing his shooting arm on the open door , smoke rising from the barrel of his pearl - handled revolver . The thug dropped the gun losing immediate strength from the bullet that had passed through his hand . He dropped to his knees clenching his jaw to the pain . He tried holding back a scream so as not to appear weak . Blood fell in large drops onto his black brightly polished Ferragamo shoes . Although he didn 't prove to be much of a fight , he was being paid well to afford those shoes . Being the last one out of the car , I had seen this all unfold . From seeing how well dressed these thugs were , I immediately saw the marks of organized criminals . Usually these forms of low life deal in high priced crimes , ones that were easily controlled and monitored . Crimes that could easily be covered up with high priced attorneys and bought - off politicians . That way , the profits were higher , the risks were lower . Kidnapping was not one of these typical crimes . I had to ask myself , what did these suits want with a handful of girls ? GIRLS ! My goodness I forgot almost about the reason we risked our lives in that deadly car chase . I raced over to the back of their car . I took out of my pocket my Grandfather 's knife that he had entrusted me before he died . I used it to jimmy open the lock . A young woman in her early twenties was gagged in the trunk , terrified as a mouse waiting to be attacked by a lurking viper and swallowed whole . The street lamp behind me cast my figure as a silhouette . The girl look at me with terror . I immediately recognized her confused fear . " Its okay . I am Knighten Foraine I am here to help you . " Her body immediately let go of her tension and began to shake uncontrollably followed by an deluge of tears and uneven breathing . I helped unbound her hands which had been tied behind her back . I picked her up out of the trunk and carried her to the curb to sit and reform her composure . " M - masters , I mean Karen . Well , i - its Karen Masters … b - but you can just call me Karen . I mean , not JUST you … m - my mom and dad of course call me that … what I meant to say is that ' just ' meaning you don 't have to call me Ms . Masters … that sounds too much like a librarian … " " Karen . " I said with a sincere smile . " Karen it is . That 's a very nice name , Karen . And don 't worry about ' Ms . Masters ' , you might think it sounds like a librarian , but I happen to like librarians . My mom was a librarian before she met my father . " " Really ? " She asked dreamily . Oh no ! I probably went too far on revealing this to her . But it worked . She was no longer shaking and her voice wasn 't trembling . She was transfixed on what else I liked . Not wanting to push it too far I shut my mouth after asking her about what happened . Unfortunately , my strawberry blond hair was distracting her from remembering too many details . Or at least in details that mattered to solving this case . Fortunately , Benny had more useful talents than getting girls to stop trembling . He manage to rough up the guy he was sitting on to reveal some valuable information . Lucky for Benny , the officer and the Scottish band stander didn 't see the semi - illegal position of Benny 's gun to the thug 's head . That was the true talent … making it look like it was all clean . Meanwhile , Henry went to find the nearest phone to call in the police … the one 's who were actually on duty . Benny let us know what he found out . We had an address where our suited friends were taking Ms . Masters … I mean Karen . Dang it now she 's got me doing it . Krzys and I stayed with Karen to await the police . Krzys had already detained the thugs . Once Henry got back , he , Kyle and Benny all caught a cab to the address . The officers that arrived had a lot of questions for Ms . Masters . They wanted her to come down to the station to give a statement . She said she would only go if I went with her . Well , a hero has got to do what a hero has got to do . Besides , Krzys would need a ride back once he got the paperwork done that he said he needed to fill out . The precint was a mad house . Apparently there was a bootlegging bust that went down at the train depot less than an hour before we arrived . It was like an Italian family reuinon at the station , except someone forgot the food . Man , one could have made a fortune selling Chicago dogs to all these hungry , disgruntled Italians . The scene didn 't get any more friendly when our party arrived with members of the North Side Gang . I stayed with Karen for as long as I could stand , until she gave her full report to the cops . At that point , I knew there was a greater good that was calling me . The group needed me . I found Krzys at a spare desk thumbing through files . We had been there for almost an hour , surely he was done with his paperwork . " Look Krzys , it not supposed to be on duty anyway . Didn 't they put you on mandatory leave when Andreas … " I trailed off knowing I should have gone there . Krzystof gave me a look of a bronze Gorgon , one of those that could kill a man . " Listen Knighten . You might have been raised with a @ & % * ing silver spoon in your mouth where you didn 't have to raise a hand to do any work . But this is the real world , kid . I am working . This my job . People depend on me to consistently give it all I got . Unlike you , writing for a worthless , no - name paper that nobody reads anyway . The only one that really cares if you miss a deadline is YOU when you belly clenches the slightest when you 've run out of mommy 's and daddy 's caviar a day early . Now go away and leave me to my work ! " I stood there feeling like Karen might have felt in that trunk . Something sunk inside of me . Repressed emotions swelled up in me about my father talking to me stearnly after I had ' carelessly knocked over ' a tray of Burboun at a gala he had been hosting with many of his business associates . The Burboun had spilt on to the dress of a gorgeous young lady I had been standing next to . She was the eldest daughter of a senator , at least twice my age . I can still remember the smell of her sweet perfume . I had been leaning in to steal a wiff , while holding the tray and serving the guests . It was embarrassing enough having dropped the jar of spirits on the girl , but to be reprimanded by my father was unbearable . I remember that everyone was silent , looking at me . I ran up to my room and cried into my pillow . I felt so sissy afterward . Here I was again . The whole second floor of the police precinct was suddenly silent . All were looking at me . I froze . Then I grabbed my coat and gentleman 's cane , turned and walked out . I had learned over the years that sissy doesn 't make friends . I tried to preserve my dignity . I made it out of the station and into my car just in time . It was hard to breath , like I had got hit in the gut . I struggled to regular my breathing . I could feel the adrenaline kicking in . My hands were shaking , now . I was good at helping others work through their feels . But not so good at doing it for myself . I could actually feel myself burying something deep inside of me . I knew that it would hurt me later on like the memory of the spilt Burboun . Yet , I didn 't stop it . I let it seep down into an empty recess of my heart . One thing was for sure , I wouldn 't mess with Krzystof again while he was working . I started up the engine of my Mercedes - Benz Mannheim 350 Tourer . The purr of the pistons instantly calmed my hand tremor . I looked over the curved cabriolet body , with its red high - end fenders and golden brass trim . I suddenly remembered that perfume again . I shift her into gear and peeled away . Krzystof would have to get his own ride . I arrived at the address and went around back . The root cellar doors had been blown to pieces . I smelled gun powder and saw 5 or 6 empty shotgun shells on the ground . The number of shells immediately put me into alert mode . I raced down the steps expecting to run into trouble . I entered into a black narrow stone hallway . At the end was a faint light . Kyle was on the ground , muttering incoherently . I ran to him . He lay in an open doorway . Beyond the door , Benny and Henry were inside a morbid room . The walls and floors of the room seemed stained with blood . It was being lit with thirteen torches mounted on thirteen iron candelaras standing at least six - feet tall encircling an alter . We were back to where we were at the beginning . I approached the car with caution , ready to fire at a moments notice . My only problem was they weren 't looking for a fight . I see one leap out and start bookin ' it towards his only route of escape . His only problem ? He was too slow ! In moments he was taken to the ground and made a nice lounge chair . " It 'd be really nice of you to tell me where your boss is , " I said as I placed the muzzle of my Tommy into his the back of his knee . After that he sung like a canary . We got the location of the place , but not before Kyle decided to mess with the guy by taking on the form of some monstrosity . The guy literally pissed himself . This was all fun and games , but now it was time to get serious . I told Krysztof where we were headed and we took off . We must have got loss because we were there for less than a few minutes and everyone except Krysztof was there . So we began examining the area . It gave off a strong sense of evil and the evil seemed to be coming strongly from the back cellar . We were gonna break it with an axe , but Kyle said , " Why use an ax when we 've got a Scotsman . " With that Henry began to beat the door in . After a few minutes we were in the basement with what looks to be some kind of alter and candles spread throughout the parameter of the room . It was here where we found some kind of invisible barrier . It was impenetrable by myself . Suddenly something was causing the fox some serious pain and he passed out . I asked the kid to take him out of the room to get some fresh air , so he did . When he returned some type of flame filled the room . I barely avoided it , so I decided to sit up top till I was useful . After a few minutes I came back down to see a creature of complete evil and horror . So I did what anyone would do . I shot at it . The creature gave off a shriek of pain , but it was pretty tough . After a few moments Kryz came down with some guy . The guy mumbled some words and did some magic , which knocked a man down from the ceiling . At this point the evil creature turned into Henry and he stood over the man that emanated pure evil . I approached the man to interrogate him , but before I could Kryz 's new friend lopped the man 's head off . This guy pissed me off to no end . He was the most arrogant , self - entitled person I have ever met . It took everything in me to keep from laying into him with my fists . He made a bunch of claims about how he was doing right , but he has a long way to show he 's not the douche he presents himself to be . For now I shall avoid contacting him at all costs . |
Sarah lives in the city now , has to learn to deal with this kind of life . Where the time passes so fast , people running to get early to work , as if they are chasing time . She comes from a village , a place in the mountains where everything is calm and quiet . Where all the people know each other and care for each other , even if they are in a hurry . They have the time to look at the person who 's passing them by and say good morning . But from now on , she has to get used to the city life , for the sake of her angel … . As usual , every morning she drinks her coffee rapidly , gets dressed , takes her flowers and runs rapidly so to never miss her morning customer . It 's true she has all the day to sell her flowers , but looking at this one persons eyes in the morning making her rich , not financially , but emotionally … . Those eyes fill her heart with happiness , and her day with security . " Good morning madam " , this the voice she waits to hear every morning . She looks back at that girl and says , " Good morning to you young lady , here 's your flower " . With a shining smile the young girl takes her flower and gives the dollar to the flower seller . " Thank you , your flowers fill my days with a warm perfume " . With a little cute wink from that girl 's eyes , the lady 's day is as perfect . Selling that one flower to a stranger allows her to gain not just a dollar but also a smile that will never leave her face the whole day … In her room she has a big diary , where she writes the date and details of that first flower that she sells each day . Beside every flower , she writes what exactly she saw in the girl 's eyes , what she felt when she saw her , and how much she is grateful that she met her that day . Sarah 's story began when she married a young rich man from the city . He was a very gentle and wise man who came to her town to visit his cousin . The cousin was Sarah 's friend , but she never thought that one day this would end up in love . But this is how things go sometimes , and over the course of many visits to the town , love grew strong between Sarah and Ethan , until one day they decided to get married . Her family had their concerns about the marriage , Ethan was a person from an upper class family and Sarah 's family were very normal . They were afraid that this class difference would have effects for Sarah 's future happiness . But when these fears were exposed to Ethan , he assured her that these were illusions and nothing was going to happen , he would buy a property in Sarah 's town so they could live in peace . After two years they had a baby girl , Emma . The baby filled their life with happiness , and for several more years Sarah 's life with her husband was wonderful . Love , laughter , amazing moments to remember forever , and Emma 's presence adding so much fascinating happiness to their days . Until one day , Ethan went on a business trip and never come back . The train he was on crashed and he with hundreds of other people died . Emma was only 3 years old , and for Sarah all her years burned in front of her eyes . She felt she 's been left alone , Ethan was her whole world , she felt like a stranger in the world . Though her family and her friends were all around her , she could never feel any connection to them . A couple of months later , Ethan 's brother showed up asking to take Emma to raise her in the city with his parents . Ethan 's family were against his marriage to Sarah , but Ethan had left them all in shock by moving to marry the small town girl who had captured his heart . Sarah tried to resist , to keep her daughter with her , but the powerful have ways and they took Emma away . Since that moment Sarah never knew anything about her daughter . The years went by , and with every year a piece of Sarah 's heart were dying . Only the memory of her husband was left , and of Emma 's laughter , that she seemed to hear all the time … As the years passed by she changed into another person , shaped by the tears and the pain , by memories of her angel 's giggles and her husband waving with his last smile on his face . Until one day , Sarah received a letter from a friend of Ethan 's , a letter with Emma 's address . Sarah couldn 't believe that after 18 years she might see her daughter . She packed her up her life in a suitcase and went to the city . Challenged by everything , a community that she was unused to living with , strange people she didn 't know how to talk to … The first thing she did was search for Emma 's address and try to think of an excuse to talk to her . The photos that were sent in the letter showed how pretty and wealthy Emma was . Her grand parents took care of her it seemed , but not enough , since they raised her away from her mother . Standing on the street facing Emma 's apartment , Sarah waited for Emma to leave her place . Then as if from nowhere a beautiful lady walked out the gate , talking on her phone . Sarah looked at the photo she 's holding tightly between her hands , so tense as if she was afraid she would drop it . Sarah compared it with the girl and the tears ran down her face , that was Emma , that was her daughter . She wanted to run towards her and hold her so tight , but she couldn 't . Her baby girl is there grown up to become a pretty lady . Sarah felt as if she was safe again , with a new reason to live , and a new reason to love her life . She rented a small room and with time she collected information about her daughter 's life . And with everything she needed to know she was ready , set herself up to sell flowers . Sarah 's first day of selling flowers started when she stood near where Emma waited for her driver to take her to the university . With weak steps she got near to Emma and said , " a red flower every morning will fill your day with warm perfume and add smiles to your face pretty lady " . Emma turned around and looked at the woman 's eyes , with a shining smile she said " Sure , why not . Are you new here ? " Sarah felt like her heart was stopping , not sure if it was from happiness that she was standing in front of her daughter after 18 years , or sadness from missing all these days watching her growing up . Sarah wanted to tell her that she was new in this place , but not new in Emma 's life . She wanted to tell her that she was the one who had given birth to her , but she gathered herself and said , " Yes , I 'm new in this place , I 'm trying to sell my flowers , but not all people are interested in buying flowers " . Emma smiled and said , " Well , now you have got a new customer , what about if I meet you every morning in this place to buy a red flower ? " With a little wink Emma added , " And don 't you dare to miss this appointment ok ma ' am ? " That little cute wink , her dad used to make it . Lord help me , Sarah felt drained and about to pass out , it was almost too much to handle . But yet she thanked God for finding her angel again . " Ok " Sarah said , " How can I miss looking at such an angelic face like yours young lady ? " Emma wished Sarah a happy day as she left . For the next several years , Sarah had a reason to wake up and live every morning . Emma graduated from her university and started her own work , and Sarah followed all Emma 's news . Due to the trust they built they became quite close . But that friendship never crossed that corner in the street , the place where for Sarah the whole world turned around . Standing in the cold to sell flowers wasn 't easy though , Sarah 's health started to get bad and she got a lung infection . Her face started to look ill and under her eyes there were black circles , which showed how tired she was getting day after day . Emma used to check on her and offer to take her to the Doctor , but Sarah didn 't want to , all she used to say was " I 'm fine , I don 't feel any pain " . Sarah was afraid to miss a day of seeing her angel 's face in the morning , and she would convince herself and her daughter that she was fine . One day Emma came to the place to buy her flower as usual , but she couldn 't find Sarah . She was worried about her , standing in the middle of the street looking left and right , trying to find someone to ask about the flower seller . A man asked her " Are you looking for your friend ? " Emma turned quickly and really concerned replied " Yes , have you seen her today ? " He said " Unfortunately , we found her this morning lying in the street , I think they took her to ER " . Emma interrupted him and asked , " do you know where she lives ? " The man was surprised , " You don 't know where she lives ? " Emma replied " No , she never told me " . The man smiled , and said " in a little room under the stairs " … Emma was shocked . She went to check the room , the door was unlock , the room had one bathroom , but not even a kitchen . When she stepped into the room she stood powerless , not believing what she was looking at … Photos of her from when she was a little baby , but she never had photos when she was that age . She saw Sarah 's diary where she had written alongside every flower she had sold Emma , how she had felt to see her Angel 's eyes . In the drawer she even found the letter that had caused Sarah to move to the city . Emma couldn 't believe it , she recalled how every year on mother 's day Sarah used to say , " Here this is another red flower for your mom on her day " . Emma used to reply , " Thank you but my mother died when I was a little girl , my grand parents raised me " . Emma recalled that she used to see tears in Sarah 's eyes , she though she was feeling Emma 's loss and pain . Then Sarah used to give her an extra flower and said , " Take this for free , but in water as if you are buying it for your mom and you are going to see her tomorrow , she will feel your love " . Emma stayed in shock for hours , crying , and not know what to do . Having doubts , and yet no doubt , at the reality of Sarah revealed , her real mom . Running to the ER to see her mother , she saw her lying in the bed without any movement , without any breath . Another visitor had reached this the place before Emma . Death ! Emma stood there in a silence , not only her heart was breaking , she felt her soul was aching too . A voice cut her thoughts and the silence , " Do you know this woman ? " Emma replied " Yes , she 's my mother " . The nurse handing Emma a letter said , " She gave me this letter with this photo and asked me to give it to her daughter when she comes " . Emma took the letter with shivering hands and started reading … I know when you read this letter I 'll be gone , I know you have so many questions to ask . I came to the city searching for you . The room I rented faced your room . It 's a tiny room but through that window that faced your apartment I used to feel that I 'm living in a castle , and looking through it 's window to my real world , you . I convinced you to buy a red flower every day from me because it would bring warm smiles to your days . I was selfish to ask this , I wanted these smiles so much after I lost them so many long years ago . It was you giving me those smiles , it was looking at your eyes , that gave me the courage to keep on living . Don 't cry after me , I 'll be always near . Sometimes life gives us a reason to cry and sometimes a reason to smile . Life gave me reason to cry for long years , but you my precious daughter are the reason to make me smile . Even at this moment while I am close to death … Four years old , he was sitting on the floor playing with his toys when I entered with my friend . We were visiting his mother . I don 't know her ; I was just there because my friend asked me to accompany her . Looking at me with an innocent smile , never a word towards me from the minute I entered ; it seemed to me that he was used to my friend 's presence . I was watching him , he didn 't move from his place . I never got any vibe that he might have any problem . Maybe I noticed he couldn 't talk , but then I thought that maybe he 's still too young to talk yet or maybe just too shy . There I was , a stranger in his house , yet he was smiling all the time , as if he wanted to come to sit on my lap , but it was as if something was preventing him from doing so . My friend asked him to go to her , but then I found out what I never expected to find . He was crawling to reach her . For a moment , I froze , watching him crawl , looking at the smile that never left his face , and trying to figure out what 's wrong with him . He looks healthy , but a four year old , not being able to walk ? That seemed odd to me . So I asked his mom what 's wrong and she said , " He had a problem in his head since he was born and he had surgery months ago . " When I asked her if he will stay like that for the rest of his life , she said : " He is undergoing therapy ; he might or might not get better . " After the hard effort he made , he reached out to my friend and kept pointing at me . My friend held him and handed him to me . Having him on my lap was another feeling ; he was talking words I never heard but I felt them so deep . Those words made me cry silently , yet I felt my tears shedding down on my face when I knew that his words meant that he wanted to leave the house with me . I was asking him questions and smiling but I couldn 't hide my tears ; it was the first time that a child made me cry and touched my heart so deeply . I don 't remember what I was saying but all what I was trying to do is to avoid my friend and the child 's mother from seeing my tears falling . Maybe I didn 't want his mother to feel bad about her son or maybe I didn 't want to show the hidden side of my personality , the side that I always try to keep hidden . I thought I 'm a strong human being but I was surprised how in less than a minute God showed me that I 'm the weakest . And showed me how blessed I am just because i 'm able to walk . I thought I 'm the happiest but in less than an hour God showed me that he can make me the saddest and the happiness can fade away in one second . I kept holding the child and I felt as If something was binding me to him . I felt it even stronger when it was time to leave . His eyes were begging me to stay as if he 's a prisoner but it wasn 't jail . His hands were holding my hands tightly as if I 'm the only one who will save him from his unlimited suffering . But I couldn 't do anything to help ; it was the weakest moment I ever felt in my whole life . I knew how weak we are in front of God 's will , no matter how much we have faith in God , we feel it 's so little when we stand up crippled in front of the fate he draws us to . He held my hand and in his other hand he was holding his little pillow . I remember his mother 's answer after I asked her about it ; she used to put it on his head to protect the injured area after his surgery . In the middle of the night , he wakes up to hold it as if it 's the only friend he has . On my way back home , I didn 't stop asking my friend questions about his situation ; my heart was torn . The image of his little face kept coming back to me , his helpless words , and his voice that kept playing in my ears . He was just a four year old child who I saw for the first time , who crawled towards me with a hopeless smile , asking me for something . However , I still don 't know what it was … All I knew was that he touched my heart . I realized how weak I am and the tears keep shedding down my face with every time I remember that child 's face … She received his message saying : " Things didn 't work out , hope you understand " . She fainted , " Understand what ? " She mumbled while recalling his smile , and all the words he said before when nothing seemed to be weird , he even said he 'll come for a long visit next time , but it seems she is not going to understand what she just received … Time stopped and her memory took her back to the day when she met him , never showing her that he might leave and never come back , " How could he disguise himself ? " , looking in her eyes all the time showing nothing but the good side of him . " How could I understand his act ? " She wondered about his smiles , " How could he fake it ? " For one second she wished she had never met him , or at least if he has the courage to face her with the reason that lies behind his words . What hurt her wasn 't that he 's not coming back , but the fact that he lacked the courage to tell her at least anything to make her understand … Her life turned into cloudy days , and his message erased the smile that used to decorate her face . With every moment passing , bringing back to her his words saying : " Will see you " , her tears find their way to those words and leave nothing but the fear of coming days … How was she supposed to understand what he never said ? How could she understand the idea of not seeing him again after he said he 's coming back ? It wasn 't the feeling of love that aches her heart , it was the lies he said and what was revealed after he left . It wasn 't that she 's missing him , what aches her deeply was her wounded pride for letting him enter her life and mess with her feelings , the feelings he 'll never know , the ones that stayed unknown … She understood now that she can 't let him know that she used to smile every time he crossed her mind , and that her world changed to happy rhythm day and night . She can 't let him know that her prayers used to flow towards him wherever he goes , asking God nothing but to keep him safe . She can 't let him know how she used to wait for his call and how her eyes used to shine after she heard his voice . The simple , the very simple words he used to say were making her the happiest girl … She can 't tell him anything anymore ! ! He just fades away with no reason to convince her , with no courage from him to tell her why . It was a very short while but painful at the time … Maybe he came to leave but it 's hard to breathe when she thinks of him . It 's hard to think of the person who she had good thoughts about as bad one , through the weird act he made that erased the good feeling she used to feel towards him . Feelings are not something to play with , or to take for granted , the feelings are like a fragile heart . A sensitive person who gives the best of him to others , but when he is faced with lies and disguises , those feelings would get wounded and the heart would be broken . It 's not the love that makes her heart broken only , it 's all mixed together , all the feelings that lead to knowing him , all break … With ignorance , she acted like she understood , though she didn 't and still she would want to know the reason that made him say that he 'll come back , but the courage he lacks prevented him from doing that . How is she supposed to understand what he never said ? ? How can she move and trust anyone that might come her way ? She didn 't understand , how he came to hurt her so bad and move forward as if he never knew her ? … Replying to his message for the last time with tears in her eyes , saying : " I understand you were a big mistake , maybe you came to leave but why is it hard to breathe every time your face comes to my mind ? Why couldn 't you wait to be in the right time to see my face , but everything went wrong after you left ? … But before she even continued typing , she deleted her message feeling she doesn 't want to know anything anymore . She just felt that he left a painful wound in her heart , her heart that she promised to never let him get hurt . Now she caused him a big ache , a painful trace things didn 't , but if he never said any word , how can she understand what he never said ? … What hurt her wasn 't that he 's not coming back , but the fact that the courage he lacked to tell her at least anything to make her understand … Too bad when we know they knew they are unfaithful , towards us , but they kept on hiding the truth … To feel more satisfied about themselves , to feel they are taking revenge from those who are hurting them , but by being unfaithful to those who truly loved them … . Taking revenge from the wrong people , maybe they can 't face who they should face … . Shut the doors , in the face of unfaithful people , … No matter how hard they knock , never open up , never even look through the lens of the door , never regret them , they are not worthy to think for one moment about them … they will always lose , simply because they have the ability to lie , to cheat , to hurt , without even regret the pain they cause , they will never learn from their mistakes , for one reason , they 'll always be unfaithful … . Sometimes , we feel someone is being unfaithful to us , but we keep on walking maybe to see where the road will lead us , maybe because we don 't want to believe that those who we truly love are being unfaithful to us . . We keep on walking though with every step we feel pain , but suddenly , we stop walking , we stop thinking , we stop talking , the moment we feel our heart broken , even if we were expecting their betrayal , we feel as if the world end here , and can 't breath again , the moment kills , after we believed in them , we stop believing that there is a faithful part in their unfaithful love . . Soon she 'll be gone without a trace , without a memory to remind him she was there … No memories between them to make him remember her … . As if she felt someday she 's leaving him , even if she stays , he will leave her because he belongs to another … . But she 'll never know if he loved her the way she did , she 'll never know all the feelings he kept inside , all the care he couldn 't provide , is it the same as what he feels inside ? . . She 'll never know … All the letters she wrote she 'll never know if he read them . If he felt her pain while she was drawing the picture of her love and longing for him … . All the hours she spent waiting for him to reply , all the tender words she saved till she meets him someday , she 'll never know if he was there but couldn 't reply or if he 's somewhere else with another … . . She will be missing his smile , his voice and all the words he used to say even the ones that made her cry … Soon she 'll be gone but she 'll miss his presence and all the things he used to do , even the ones to make her mad … . But she 'll never know if he will miss her the way she does or more … . The same sunshine that brightened her life when she met him for the first time , is burning her heart now … . The laughter she used to share with him , is gone now … And she 'll never know what made him loose the power to keep her smiling … . Struggling between staying and leaving , in the end she 'll leave … . Maybe to stop her heart from bleeding , maybe she feels he never belonged to her … . Even though she wishes to stay to always be there for him when he needs her … But sooner or later , she 'll be gone , looking over her shoulder while leaving to make sure he 'll be fine … She keeps asking herself the reason behind meeting him , but she 'll never know why she did … Walking away someday without leaving any trace , without leaving any memory , just heart ache because she will never know if he heard her words , if he saved her photos , if he will remember her after she leaves … She 'll never know if he knows how hurt she is by leaving him … . The same person she loved today will be a memory for her tomorrow but she 'll never know if he loved her the way she did , she 'll never know all the feelings he kept inside , all the care he couldn 't provide is it the same what he feels inside ? . . She 'll never know … 0 . 000000 Sometimes it 's the bad words we say due to anger and sadness silently , it has another meaning … We don 't say it out loud … We are being honest with ourselves , but not to those who are hearing us , who are hurting us … . We just show them we don 't care , though silently we do care ! " I hate you " why would we say those words to the person we love the most ? Is it to show our madness ? Or to show how much we 've been hurt from that person ? " I HATE YOU " , but silently it 's : " I LOVE YOU " ! We say the word HATE to shake the person , to force him / her to look towards us and see the pain he / she 's causing … . He / she , when hearing this word will definitely look towards you with a shocked look , even if to only ask why ? . Sometimes , saying " just leave me alone " has another meaning , we try to push people away from us to protect ourselves but silently we say " don 't listen to me , don 't leave " . We show our strength , to hide our weakness … . We think we are doing just great in front of them but silently we are suffering … Sometimes , it takes us years to feel secure but in return it takes them one second to make us feel insecure … by one action they make , by one word they say out loud … . How we wish they say it silently instead … . Closing our eyes to never see them , but our heart is always open to protect them with our love … . Pushing them away trying to tell them we are wounded , asking them to stay away , but silently our arms are wide open to hold them when they need us …… The truth remains silent , the honest words we need to say … sometimes we are afraid to say them … To keep it meaningful , to keep on reminding ourselves that we have the ability to treat ourselves nice if they don 't … When we say words , we kill it , it lost in the ignorance of others that cause us our pain … . We keep it silently we keep it alive inside of our mind and our heart never set it free to get broken … . . Sometimes , by saying words loudly , they can heal us and ease our pain , especially if they caused that pain … when we want to get their attention , we are forced to say the most painful words which are " I HATE YOU " . . But silently words that mean " I LOVE YOU " kills us at the same moment ! Jinan They are humans just like you , but they think in a different way . They could hate you for very simple reasons , they could say lies , they could be very harmful but at the same time very friendly , they can be disguised to fool you , and you can be fooled if you don 't think that they are human but not angels … Just like you . . Human beings . . We are all humans , no angels living on the earth unless the others , the very good humans who love you unconditionally , the tender hearts who make sure to protect you when someone hurts you … The caring people who cry for your sadness and smile for your happiness , those who forgive you before you make mistakes and who forget themselves for your own sake . . those are the angels on earth … But here 's the question to ask : " Why are the others always the ones who cause pain to others ? There is always one side against the other side , is it how life goes on ? Must there be one who is loved and others who hate ? Must there be one who smiles and others who cry ? Is this is the way life goes on ? It 's always there … The others who don 't care for others . . who never appreciate them because they have their own reasons , not because they are bad humans … The others are human but they are not bad , even though they hurt you in someway … Even though they say words that offend you , there must be deep deep pain in their hearts … . When others treat you badly without any reason , you should think what 's behind this treatment , you should think what the others have been through , who they met on their Path , who made them lose their faith in others … . Life could be so cruel to others , and sometimes could be unfair … Just forgive them when they stand in your way trying to destroy you . . Just forgive them if they try to fight you with all the different ways … . They are humans just like you , you have faith in yourself and in God too , but the others might have lost their way and lost their faith in God and that 's why they do their best to harm you … Jinan " I wish I didn 't wake up today " , with wet eyes the young guy opened his eyes , after trying to get back to sleep , but he couldn 't … . . Today is mother 's day , but where 's my mother today ? Resting in peace … If he knew that it was the last mother 's day for her , he would spend the whole day telling her how much her presence is appreciated and important to him … Last year she was here , but today she 's not , last year he bought her flowers on mother 's day , her face was shining taking the flowers from him , she held him with her warm arms , he almost felt himself in heaven , while her arms were surrounding him , he felt like the angels were protecting him … . . It was the last time he celebrated it with his mother . … . It was the last time he felt he was blessed by her angelic soul … . . " Today , I 'm going to her grave " … . . He mumbled , he looked towards his room 's door expecting her to knock on the door asking if he 's awake , he was waiting to hear her voice calling from downstairs telling him to get up , the breakfast is ready . But it was all illusions that drift him to jump from his bed believing that she 's in the kitchen preparing his breakfast , but when he got there he broke down , knowing that he was drifted behind his illusions , his mother is not here , not in any place , his mother passed away year ago , and he 's here by his own , with her memories , thinking how his life went downwards since his mother died … . It 's so weird , his life went as a short movie that morning , since his very first step when he was a little baby , the way she was crying after every fall he fell down , he recalled his first day in school , she stayed with him the whole day to make sure he 's ok … With every step he took in his life , she was there for him . When he succeeded she was there to clap her hands and tell him how much she 's proud of him , and when he failed , she was always there to tell him never mind everything is going to be ok , she was always there to hold him in his good times and bad times … . His mother was simply his world … . But today , his world collapsed , his mother gone forever , he felt as if it 's the end of his world , nothing is going right , his life became darkness after he lost his light in his mother 's soul … . . With all the sadness in the world , he walked to the graveyard , and put the flowers on her grave . He stood there with no words to speak , only tears … . . He cried when he told his mother how much he needs her , he apologized if he made her upset someday , he told her how much he needs to be surrounded by her arms to feel safe , because he feels so cold and his whole world has been breaking down since she died … . . He told her how hard it is to go back home every day since she left and not find her waiting for him there … . . It 's only words … Some are honest when they say it … To give another chance , to tell others they forgive them , to tell others they love them … as long as it 's honest words with letters that never break , it 's good to say … But if it 's only words , covered by lies and fake , it 's better not to say … . . Anyhow , who cares … . . Those letters that make your life so bitter , broken letters covered by wonderful spoken words … the letters break , the meaning is fake … you 're life to be effected … . Create new words with strong letters … . Who cares if they let you walk away … . Nothing matter anyways … . It was only spoken faked words … . . When the others break their words and forget promises they made , you walk away feeling silent pain , after they miss the chance you gave … . Finally , I want to thank every one who believed in my talent and encouraged me all the years . A special thanks to my sister Samia and her husband Hadi for being there for me all the time . Also , special thanks to my precious uncle Dr . Faouzi Abou Reslan for his invaluable support , words fails to express how thankful I am … Also to the person who make the editing to my articles Peter Buckton , Thank you . I 'm blessed to have people like you all in my life … . . |
This is an inspirational blog . I believe that God is involved in the everyday events of our lives , no matter how seemingly small . Sometimes He allows us to catch glimpses of what He 's been doing all along . The lady handed me a check after the service that morning saying she wanted to help out with Operation Christmas Child , a ministry that sends hundreds of thousands of Christmas gifts to underprivileged children in third - world countries . I 'd never met her before , she was from out of town , visiting with her mother on that particular Sunday . The video we had shown that morning had obviously moved her . " My husband died recently , " she said . " I 'd like to do this in part to honor his memory . " My mouth dropped open when I looked at the amount . This was going to fill a lot of shoe boxes . We had spent several minutes filling the cart at the dollar store . As Larry emptied the contents onto the counter I engaged in small talk with the cashier . She had grumbled a moment before to a coworker about things not being put back where they belonged from the night before . An older woman , she looked tired , as if taking this job had come out of pure necessity . She mumbled about the disrespect she suffered on this job from some of the other workers . I needed to lighten the atmosphere and commented that the items she was ringing up were all going into shoe boxes to be sent to needy children , most of whom had never received a Christmas present before . But there was no lightening the mood of this woman . " Well , I certainly hope they 're staying here , " she retorted . " We have enough children in our own country who need help . We don 't need to be sending them somewhere else . " She brought up the recent storm that had created such havoc to the east of us in New Jersey . I reassured her that I 'd no doubt that various agencies and faith - based groups would make sure they were covered . She continued to frown as we beat a hasty retreat for the doorway with our dozen or so bags . One Christmas many years ago we stopped at the home of Rojelio and Argentina in La Julia , one of the poorest barrios in La Ceiba , Honduras . As we entered their simple two - roomed house with its dirt floors , I noticed nothing there that set that particular day apart . No tree , no lights , no gaily wrapped packages . It was in such sharp contrast to the mission house that we had just left with its colorful decorations and the newly - opened gifts that my children had been enjoying throughout the day . Rojelio and Argentina hadn 't seen the looks of delight or heard the cries of pure pleasure coming from their three boys as we had experienced that morning with our own children . If there is anything I came away with from those years of seeing such blatant poverty , it was a profound sense of gratitude and humility at the privileges I had received because of where and to whom I had been born . Day - to - day survival was not a concern for my parents . But for Rojelio and Argentina , having enough food , medicine when needed and an adequate shelter for their growing family was all - consuming . Having money left over to buy a few Christmas gifts was the farthest thing from their minds . Back to the lady in the dollar store . If there hadn 't been other customers waiting in line behind us , I think I might have told her a bit about Argentina and her little two - roomed house with its dirt floors and no indoor plumbing . And if there was time , I 'd go on to tell the story of Antonia and her family of five that lived in a tiny shack beside the river where they bathed and drew their drinking water . I would remind her that because of the privileges offered her , she will have a certain amount of money guaranteed her when she retires and her medical needs met as well , so unlike the elderly and the disabled and the disadvantaged in other places that survive by whatever means they can , sometimes doing odd jobs but mostly by begging in the streets . I would remind her that no country in the world takes care of its own better than we do , and that same generosity has always and should continue to extend beyond our borders . Whether she approves or not . Larry and I filled eighteen more containers after leaving the dollar store that afternoon . We knew that each one equated with that many more boys and girls in far off places having the joy of opening a gift meant specifically for them , possibly for the first time in their life . And that in turn could easily bring the spirit of Christmas to an entire family . A couple of years ago I received a letter from a grandmother in Africa who was raising her grandson , John . He had received one of the shoe boxes that I had packed up a few months earlier . She introduced herself , told a little about her family and then concluded her letter with this . " Thank you for the gift you sent John , " she wrote . " He was so happy , and I know that he received the gift that was meant just for him . " She had enclosed two pictures , the first of an eight - year old boy with a big toothy grin holding a package . Yes , it was definitely from us , I recognized the blue and white wrapping covered with snowmen . The second photo was a family shot , John 's family . He stands front and center surrounded by those closest to him . They are dressed in their best , their love and support evident . And their gratitude . I am not a collector of stuff . Though I do have a few special trinkets , paraphernalia from our years in Central America and some special possessions given as gifts over the years , we don 't have a lot of non - necessities in our home . As much as I hate to move , and I 've done it enough , I 've seen each major change as an opportunity to simplify my life . I 've always been this way . My mom loved clean but didn 't mind a few extra things lying around , her dining room table was ample proof of that . Even as a kid I took it upon myself to keep that table cleared as much as possible , a never - ending task with four younger brothers and sisters who couldn 't have cared less at that time . Larry has worked well with me on my need for tidiness over the years . Well , that is except for his tendency to leave a paper trail wherever he goes . He 'll write phone numbers and bits of information on tiny scraps of paper and leave them all around the house . When I find them , often days or weeks later , he doesn 't usually have a clue as to what they are . Every once in awhile I 'll commit the unpardonable sin , going into his office and peeking into or under his desk . There is always paper , piles of it . He seems to love the stuff : sermon notes , minutes from board meetings , personal reminders , emails , letters . You name it , it 's there . Then there are the boxes stowed away in our attic full of old bank statements , utility bills and the like . The thought of all that paper makes me shudder . I have mentioned more than once that I 'd love to take a week off , get a high - powered shredder and start eliminating it all . But this is one of those subjects that has created some tension in our marriage , and I have learned to tread a bit more carefully when broaching the subject . So I figured that if he goes to his reward first , one of the first things I 'd do is turn my music up full blast and start shredding away . But if I were to precede him , I fear they would remain where they are . I can just see my poor children opening those boxes and throwing their arms up in the air , wondering why their father hung onto all that stuff for all those years , leaving them to do all the work of sorting through . That brings me to today , our anniversary . Thirty - six years ago I married a tall , skinny seminary student who is ridiculously romantic and terribly sentimental . I 'm neither . So for example , if he 's going to get me flowers , he 's learned that I 'd prefer a single rose over a dozen . I reason that since they 're going to eventually die anyways , why spend all that money ? This is what he 's had to contend with all these years , an overly practical wife . I had already had my coffee and watched almost an hour of news when he came shuffling down the steps this morning . " I know what I 'm giving you for an anniversary gift this year , " he said . " I 'm going to start shredding those boxes of papers for you . " An hour or so later I heard the scraping of heavy objects being dragged across the attic floor and then the plod of heavy feet coming down two flights of stairs and then out the door to the office next door to begin that monumental task . Except for a few hour 's break in the afternoon to take in a meal and do a little shopping , Larry has spent almost the entire day on my anniversary gift . Lots of couples say they have a special song that they 've chosen for their own , music that expressMore Recently My mom would be turning 90 this year . A lot of August 29ths have passed since she died more than 15 years ago , and there have been a few times that I 've simply let the day go by without hardly giving it a thought . I 'm kind of bad about birthdays that way . Sometimes I remember , sometimes I don 't . If my four kids weren 't all born the same month I might forget theirs , but I get them all over with and then have eleven months break before I have to remember again . It 's easier that way . There are other days , however , when I can 't stop thinking of her , especially holidays . She loved them all , perhaps in part because she enjoyed her kitchen and loved to bake , and what 's a holiday without a few pastries and other goodies lying around ? She made the most delectable mincemeat pie with the flakiest of crusts sprinkled lightly with sugar for Thanksgiving , and the special fruit salad and popcorn balls that she and my dad made every Christmas have become traditions with my own family . Memorial Day and Veterans ' Day weekends were excuses to make her decadent , walnut - filled chocolate brownies and ever - popular carrot cake . I 've never found a better recipe for either , and as I follow the instructions written in her own hand , I remember her and wish she were here to show me how to roll out the perfect pie crust for my strawberry - rhubarb pie . I have yet to roll it out in a perfect circle like she was able to do with so little effort . Yep , my mom loved the holidays and I 'm pretty sure that food had a good part to do with it . She enjoyed everything about it , the preparation as well as the eating . Even the many letters she wrote to me over the years , and I have hundreds of them , include details on what she had prepared for dinner during that week . I would say there 's probably only a handful that don 't have some mention of food in them . My sister reminded me that she didn 't like using the oven during the hot days of summer , but even so , she 'd always manage to whip up some homemade biscuits for strawberry shortcake when the berries were in season . And when the Fourth of July came round she was more than willing to put up with a hot kitchen to have a platter of Ol ' Henry bars or a cake on the dessert table . I never thought to ask my mom which was her favorite . I imagine Christmas and Thanksgiving were right up there , but the day I miss her the very most is July 4th . My mom loved America about as much as she loved us . She couldn 't get through the National Anthem without tears or see an American flag without placing her hand on her heart . And if a flag passed by during a parade or a marching song was being played that stirred her , she would always stand to attention for a few moments . I was in Alabama the winter she died . She 'd been sick for a long time , so when I got word that she was gone I felt mostly relief that it was over for her . In fact , I was amazed at how well I was handling her death during those first months . Of course I missed her , especially the phone calls and letters , but all in all I was doing pretty well . And then July 4th came . The day was full of activities : a pool party , a picnic , lots of people , lots of food . But when I returned home that evening , I was suddenly overwhelmed by a sense of loneliness and loss . Memories of past years ' celebrations came flooding into my mind and I longed for those times again . And I longed for my mother . I 'll be traveling home in a few days to spend the Fourth with my family . We 'll picnic at my brother 's in Olean and go to Bradner 's Stadium in the evening to watch the fireworks . We 'll get there a bit early and sit on the field on blankets and lawn chairs anticipating that moment when the sun drops over the horizon and the display of lights and sparkle begins . But first , right when it 's almost time , the Star - Spangled Banner will come through the speakers . All will stand to their feet and some will hold their hands to their hearts . It is then I will remember and stand all the prouder , grateful for my nation and my heritage . It is especially at that moment I will miss her and wish she could be there . Posted by My friend Kathy 's birthday would have been today . We were just a week apart in age and both of us lived on Chestnut Street in Weston 's Mills . I rarely got out of school for mine , only if it happened to fall on a weekend . But she on the other hand never had to go to school when hers came around . That 's because she had the wonderful fortune of being born on the same date that Christopher Columbus bumped into a continent that hadn 't been discovered yet and made it a national holiday . I 'll admit , at times I was a bit envious of her and wished that America could have been found on some other day , like a week earlier maybe . When we were young we spent a lot of time together . Because we were so close in age and only a few houses apart we just naturally sought each other out when needing something to do . The Christmas we were ten we both got Mattel 's Lie Detector Game . We couldn 't get enough of it , playing it as often as we could . She never made it through the whole night at my house , she 'd always get homesick . But I 'd sometimes stay overnight at the Williams where we 'd sit in the middle of the kitchen floor for hours trying to figure out who 'd committed the crime . I still have mine by the way . Most of the homes on Chestnut and Mill Streets in Weston 's had kids , so there were often whole groups of us playing together . Certain games went with certain yards . We used the Cassada 's place for dodge ball because they had a side walk that divided their front yard in half . Our place worked best for football and kickball and the Reese 's field was perfect for baseball . But one of our favorites was the gentler , quieter game of Mother May I . That one was always reserved for the side yard at the Williams ' house . As for Wintertime , there was still plenty to do . Sledding , making snowmen and building fortresses kept everyone occupied . And there was always the Mill Pond . Kathy was a natural on skates , much better than I . We spent hours there , our absolute favorite thing to do during those cold months . But we didn 't always get along . We were both bossy , liked to get the last word in and and have our own way . At times our relationship was a bit strained . I remember one day in particular where we had a horrible argument after getting off the bus and somehow ended up in my neighbor 's yard . It escalated to where Kathy took her metal lunch pail and hit me as hard as she could over the head . I followed it up with a hard shove , pushing her into Sally Cassada 's flowerbed that ran right next to the house . It was not one of our better moments . We were also pretty different . She came from a family of all girls . I didn 't . Her dad was Irish , so they were good Catholics , the kind that didn 't eat meat on Fridays . When I had dinner at their house they always did this strange thing with their hands after saying grace and had a medal of some saint hanging in their car . My family was Protestant . She liked Elvis Presley and had his posters hanging on her bedroom walls . I was more into Julie Andrews and The Sound of Music . She was athletic and played intramural sports at school and she could do a great cartwheel . I couldn 't get much beyond a somersault . I played in the band and auditioned for school plays , stuff that didn 't interest her all I was suddenly awakened when a loud yell came from our bed followed by a horrible scream . Larry had opened his eyes to see a white ghostly figure slowly making its way across the room . As he hollered the startled apparition in the white nightgown began to scream back . " I thought you were a ghost ! " He was still shaking . And then she started to laugh , a wonderful loud belly laugh that went on and on , and the next day she was still laughing . All these years later I still laugh out loud when I think about it . Kathy the morning after she scared Larry half to death I saw Kathy several times over the following years . I always felt that she was a much better friend to me than I ever was to her . When I 'd get back home for a visit she 'd always try to see me . When I came home for my brother 's and dad 's funerals she was there . When she remarried , she made arrangements for me to meet her husband Kevin and to see her new home . I spent an evening with her there . I was living in South Carolina when I got the call from my brother Rex . Kathy was gone , a blood infection of some kind had taken her life . She 'd had some serious health issues resulting from a botched surgery a few years earlier , but I 'd never expected this . I grieved as if I 'd lost my own sister . When I was a kid you always knew when it was suppertime at the Williams ' house . That 's because Kathy 's dad would stand outside when it was time to eat and call her home . Sometimes we were right in the middle of something and I 'd wish she could just stay a few more minutes . But she never hesitated , not even once . She 'd drop whatever she was doing and start down the road . Going home . There was no one with a voice like that . It would boom and everyone in Weston 's Mills would hear it . The Father calling his daughter home . Posted by Fawn came home from the hospital in this outfit My third child turned thirty years old today . Her name is Fawn . I 've only met a couple of other people in my lifetime with the same name , and one of them had a rather peculiar spelling . But it seems to fit her well . If everyone was matched up with a particular animal on the basis of appearance , she could easily be described as a deer with her slender build , long - legs and big doe - like eyes . Where her name 's concerned , I 'd say her dad and I got it right . But we almost didn 't . Fawn seems to always be running a bit late . When she calls she 'll usually preface the conversation with " Mom , I 'm running late . " In fact , of all four of my children , she was the only one that came after she was due . The first two both arrived on the exact day and her little sister had the courtesy to show up early . But Fawn arrived five hours after midnight , the day after . No , she wasn 't terribly late , she never is . Just a little late . I still remember my mother 's call the evening before asking if my labor had started . Nope , not yet . She confidently assured me that I 'd have my baby by the next day . She was right . I called her early the next morning to tell her that she had a new granddaughter . She wasn 't even the least bit surprised . When I gave that final push during that early morning hour and heard we had a girl , I knew what we would call her , a name I 'd loved since I first heard it while in college . It belonged to one of the most striking girls on campus and had fit her perfectly . When I called my mother that morning to tell her that we had a new little girl , she already knew her name . In fact , it wasn 't a surprise to anyone . We 'd told most everyone the names we 'd picked out , both for a boy and a girl . The name wasn 't received well by some of our church people . I attributed it to the area . Bradford County is made up of mostly country folk , so I assumed they preferred more traditional things , including names . Whatever . I still liked it . And besides , they 'd get used to it . It would grow on them over time . But the response of one especially close friend still bothered me . " If you have a little girl , I 'll love her , " she had told me . " But I 'm not sure I 'll be able to call her by her name . " Ouch . As I held that new little baby girl in my arms on that first day , I called her by the name I had held on reserve all those years . But I was uneasy , something didn 't feel right . When Larry came in that evening I told him that I was thinking we might want to rethink this whole name thing . As much as I loved what we 'd chosen , I needed for others to like it as well . I asked him to bring me the baby book of names from the house . I hadn 't remembered putting a star by the name Fawn in the little paperback . But there it was . I stared at it for a moment then ran it over my tongue . It sounded right . I continued to look through the book noting what else I had highlighted at some point in my pregnancy , but I was only half - reading . I sensed that I 'd already found the right one , certainly not as common as some might like , but one our friends could learn to live with . When Larry later walked into my room , I showed him what I had found . " And we could use your mother for the middle name , " I said . He smiled . My friend Tina Laudermilch stopped at a children 's boutique in Towanda , bought a little outfit and brought it to the hospital just a few hours before we were both to be released . I opened the wrapping to find a red velvet outfit with puffed sleeves and a little white collar . " I thought you might like to have something new for her to wear going home , " she said . I felt the soft fabric and then reached to tear off the cardboard tag that was attached to the sleeve . I couldn 't believe my eyes ! I asked Tina if she 'd looked at the tag . She shook her head . There imprinted was the picture of a deer , and above that in large bold - print letters was the word FAWN . I have told my daughter many times the story of her name and how we chose it . She has used it now for thirty years and has thanked me over and over for not staying with the original . She 's not all that crazy about it either . Actually , it 's thirty years minus one day , for in the archives of one particular newspaper , she is known by another name , the one she had for that entire first day . After I called my mother , she contacted the Olean Times Herald that very morning and had a birth announcement placed in the paper . It 's in print that on that very day , Friday , October 8 , 1982 , I gave birth to a daughter , Love Lee . I traveled to Olean a couple of weekends ago for a birthday party . It was a big one . My brother Rex turned 60 . His wife Gale rented the pavilion at War Vets Park right across from Bradner 's Stadium , our favorite place to watch the fireworks on the Fourth of July . It seemed fitting . Rex has always loved to watch things explode , especially when they 're high overhead splattering the sky with color . There 's no one I 'd rather watch with than my half - man , half - child brother who shouts out in pure delight and joy at the best of them , his eyes never once leaving the sky . A couple of years back he had the audacity to go to a major league baseball game on that day and watched the fireworks from the stadium there . He said they were awesome , some of the best he 'd ever seen . But for me , that day wasn 't quite the same . Rex came along just thirteen days short of my first birthday . We didn 't always get along during those growing up years . My younger brother Karl was pleasant and easy going . Rex , on the other hand , was much more intense . If I annoyed or upset him , which seemed to be quite often , he 'd give me a good punch to the stomach , knocking the wind out of me and putting me to the ground . But occasionally we got along . One of our favorite things was to go down into the canal that ran by our house and look for snakes and lizards . One day we picked up a piece of sheet metal and were suddenly set upon by a swarm of yellow jackets . I immediately went one way , he went another . I came through the incident unscathed , but Rex wasn 't so lucky . In no time he was covered with ugly red welts from the angry bees ' stingers . My mother , hearing the screams , came flying from the house , snatched him up and ran for the driveway where she proceeded to thoroughly roll him in a mud puddle . Obviously he survived . Speaking of puddles , another incident I specifically remember involved a live lobster that my dad was going to prepare for dinner after he got home from work one night . A meat cutter with five kids doesn 't generally include lobster in his food budget , this was a luxury . But Rex managed to spoil it for all of us when he got a hold of the crustacean and decided to take it for a swim after a good rain . I never heard my mother use one curse word her entire life , but I doubt she was ever closer than she was on that particular day . I wasn 't anywhere near when my father got home from work that night , but he never brought another one home . It would still be several years before I 'd get to taste my first lobster . I had my brother to thank for that . We loved to fish as kids , and nobody more than Rex . We 'd often walk to Haskell Creek with our poles and spend a couple hours just waiting for a bite . Honesty , I don 't ever remember catching a fish in that place . I don 't know if any of my siblings ever did either , but we spent more hours there than I could probably count . One particular day I was standing high on the creek bank with my two brothers when Rex pulled back on his pole and gave it a hard yank , wanting to cast his line out past the trees and into the water below . As the line jerked forward , I suddenly felt a sharp tug at my upper lip and then heard the snap of the fishing line . There , dangling from my mouth , was his hook and an entire worm , still intact . First stunned and then upset , I begged him to ride home with me . But fishing in a creek where we never caught anything obviously came first . He refused . But the good brother had ridden on ahead and my mother was waiting for me in the car as I pulled my bike into the driveway . It would be several days before the swelling would go down because of the stitches , and for the longest time there was a little bump on my upper lip where the hook had lodged itself , a continual reminder of that day and of my horrible brother . I 'm not sure if over time that little bump simply faded away or if just became so insignificant that I no longer noticed it . No matter . That 's often how relationships evolve between siblings . I grew up , he did the same . The crises of childhood somehow faded , no longer all that important . I 'm not sure when it was that I began to see my brother as a friend . I just know that it happened . Rex and his co - counselor at Circle C Ranch after a ride down a mudslide Around eight years ago I noticed that Rex was slowing down . A lot . Always full of energy , he was considered the fun uncle . He loved baseball , amusement parks and roller coasters and would often set off his own private stash of fireworks to the delight of his nieces and nephews . One day I watched as he put on his jacket , it was as if he were moving in slow motion . Something was very , very wrong . We pushed him to see a doctor . It was Parkinson 's . When you don 't see someone very often , you can 't help but notice the changes . Medications help , but they don 't heal , so he moves somewhat slower , tires more easily , talks softer . But he seems to take it all in stride and continues to see his life as blessed and lives it to the fullest . Oh , by the way , when I got to the party the first person Rex insisted I meet was some Bona 's basketball player . Rex is probably the biggest St . Bonaventure basketball fan out there . He never misses a home game and is known by all the players and most of the people in the stands as the flag man . That 's because he has flags representing all the countries that these young players come from and waves them when they 're on the floor . He 's even been written up in the newspaper and has been featured on the news . Rex has always been a bit crazy for sports . He knows the teams , the players , the stats . From the time he was a kid trading baseball cards he 's loved the Yankees , and when baseball season is over , he 's totally immersed in keeping up with his football team , the Buffalo Bills . And then there 's his beloved Bonnies that kick their basketball season off just as football is winding down . The party was scheduled from two o ' clock to five . It wasn 't hard to see how tired he was , but there was someone else he wanted me to meet . One of the bosses from work had come to congratulate Rex on his milestone birthday . Rex is the manager of the frozen food and dairy department of a large grocery store in Olean , a physically demanding job . And cold . The last time I was there he was wearing gloves as he loaded up the ice cream freezer . He sometimes goes in early and often stays late . It takes him longer nowadays . But he likes to work and says he wants to do it as long as he possibly can . He 's well - liked and respected there . I can understand why . Five o ' clock came and we began to take down the decorations and gather up the food and gifts . We needed to head home , but Larry loaded some of the stuff into our car to drop off at the house on the way out of town . We found the living room already full of people , some who had come a long ways to share this special day with Rex , and I knew that though the party was officially ended , the celebrating would continue on for a bit longer . I hope that someone thought to set off a few fireworks in the backyard as the sun dropped behind the horizon . There 's nothing Rex would have liked more . It 's been over ten months since I last went to New York for the injections that let my vocal cords work . The best part is that I 've been able to sing during most of that time . I 'm going back in a couple of weeks because the spasms are slowly starting to return , but amazingly , I can still sing some harmony . I think this would be a good time to repost what I wrote almost two years ago : When I asked my voice doctor in Atlanta if I would ever sing again , he guaranteed with the treatments I would be speaking almost normally again . And he was right . A few weeks after the muscles on either side of my vocal cords were injected with botox , I was speaking again . If someone didn 't know that I have spasmodic dysphonia , they wouldn 't have realized that I have a voice disorder . But he offered me no hope where my singing was concerned . The vocal cords work harder to sing than to talk , and it was highly unlikely that I would ever sing again . And as grateful as I was to finally speak without forcing almost every word , I missed the singing terribly . I remember reading the story of Dave Dravecky , a professional baseball player who lost his pitching arm to cancer . He wrote in his autobiography about the deep grief he experienced during that time . And though this thing in my brain that makes my vocal cords go spastic is not life threatening , the grief was just as real as if I had lost a limb . I used to wonder what it would be like if I could no longer play the piano or hear music . But to think hypothetically of losing my voice , the thought was just never there . So when it happened , I was completely unprepared . I imagine there are times when Dave dreams that he 's playing ball again , throwing the fast ones . I know , because I have the occasional dream where I am singing again . I used to dream as a kid about flying down the deep , narrow staircase of our home . Even in my sleep I could feel the freedom of no longer being restricted by gravity . I was always a bit disappointed to awaken and find that I couldn 't fly after all . When I dream now , the words I speak and sing come out flawlessly with no catch in my throat . It 's liberating . Then I awaken to reality , always vaguely disappointed . It took me almost two years to work through the grieving process . It was during that period of time I lost my dad and brother , moved from Alabama and said goodbye to many dear friends . I also left the wonderful preschool where I had served as music director for 11 years , as well as three of my four children who were now living independent lives . I arrived at our new home , emotionally exhausted and with my voice at its worst . I was vulnerable , and grief washed over me like a tsunami . A number of factors working together brought me through that difficult time . A friend sent me the right book dealing with grief , someone else recommended an excellent doctor trained in the treatment I needed , I found some part - time work , and I was beginning to use some of my talents again . In group settings I was no longer tearing up as those around me sang . Life was getting good again . When people ask about my voice , especially after the spasms have returned and I need another treatment , I can tell them with confidence that I 'll soon be speaking somewhat normally again . But the injections will not give me the ability to sing . That only comes from God . Today I sang as in my dreams . Only I wasn 't dreaming , and for an afternoon I sang to the One who stilled the tremors long enough that I might praise Him . I don 't know how tomorrow will be . I have no guarantees that what I had today will be a part of any of my tomorrows . But I know that today He gave me what only He could give . He let me sing . You would have turned 90 last week . What a great time it would have been to have a big celebration , an ideal time to get all the family together . We would have had a picnic with a store - bought cake and a huge dessert table in honor of you , that being your favorite part of the meal after all . Then , after we finished eating , we would have said lots of nice things about you , some to make us laugh and perhaps a few to make us cry . But we all know it 's pointless to plan a big party when the guest of honor has no intention of showing up . After all , even if you could come , nothing would ever entice you back here , even for just a few short hours and a promise of the most delectable sweets imaginable . Even so , I think it would be a good time to mention some of those things I might say if you were here . And if by some chance there is but a thin curtain between your world and mine , you just might hear what I have to say . So here goes . Even though you 've been gone a long time , I still think about you a lot . It 's hard not to as there are reminders of you everywhere . This parsonage has a nice patch of rhubarb out behind the garage , and I can 't make up a batch of sauce or a strawberry - rhubarb pie without thoughts of you . I took a couple of pies made with your homemade crust to the Marvin reunion last month . They were a hit . In fact , I use several of your favorite recipes . Larry 's family especially loves your carrot cake . In fact , I just made one this past weekend to take to his sister Paulette 's for a picnic . Do you remember after Beth started kindergarten and you went to work , how you 'd start dinner in the morning and have me finish it up when I 'd get home from school ? I 'd complain sometimes , like when I had to help with the canning and freezing during the summer . But when Larry and I took our first church in Bradford Country , I couldn 't begin to count all the corn we froze or the applesauce we canned . Our big chest freezer was always packed with vegetables and meat that came from farmer friends , and the shelves in the basement were covered with mason jars filled with tomatoes , peaches and jams among other things . I never lacked , and that allowed me to invite people into our home week after week . You prepared me for that . I wish I had expressed so much more how grateful I was for all you had done for me . One day I went into Stroehman 's Bread Store here in Elmira and told the lady at the register how my mom had put me through four years of college working in a bread store just like theirs . I don 't know if I ever thanked you for that , the sacrifices you made so that I could not only attend school but come out debt free . And on top of all that , you managed to find time to write me once or twice every week , long hand - written letters with five - dollar bills often tucked between the pages . I looked forward to those letters more than you can imagine , I was so lonely for home . I still have most of your letters , hundreds of them . Besides my college stash , there 's quite a few you mailed to Costa Rica that year we were in language school and an entire suitcase packed full of those addressed to Honduras . When we returned stateside , you kept writing . There 's a smaller stack from when we were in Colorado Springs trying to work in a very difficult church and a few that you even sent to our place in Alabama , even though you were so sick at the time . And then they stopped coming altogether and I knew . But it wasn 't just the letters . You were sending us stuff all the time , especially while we were in Central America . No matter what we asked for , you took care of it . If we needed clothes , you found the right sizes . If we sent film home , you had it processed . If a work team was coming down , you 'd always get a package to them before they flew out . You even sent a basketball hoop to Larry that he requested after building that small basketball court in our back yard . And you never fussed at us , never complained . You always gave so willingly . I know we always said thank you . I don 't think we took you for granted , but if I had to do it again , I would have written you a letter just like this one . You loved words , especially when they were written down . You would have read it over again , maybe several times . You might have even put it in your Bible . That 's where I keep one that you wrote to me right before we left for Language School . Most of your letters were filled up with the details of your days , the happenings of my siblings and what you 'd eaten for supper that week . But this particular letter was full of your heart , sadness at our going , pride that we were , and gratitude that we were serving the God whom you had loved for most of your life . I wish I had written a letter like that to you . There are a few things more I would have said . I have some regrets , especially about the times I was particularly selfish and difficult . But when I apologized to you towards the end of your life for the times I 'd disappointed you , you acted as though they had never happened . Grace . There was never any doubt that your love for others was the directive of your life . Even in those last days , you didn 't want to talk about yourself . You would always turn the conversation towards others . And that caring was genuine . Your entire life had been a reflection of God 's love invested into others . And finally , one last thing . Do you remember when we were traveling to Guatemala and stopped by the roadside to eat our lunch and all the children gathered around our vehicle ? You looked in the lunch bag to see how many sandwiches were left , and when you saw there weren 't enough to feed them all , you began to cry . " There aren 't enough , " you said . " There aren 't enough . " That scene never left me , your visibly broken heart . I mentioned all those letters I have in my attic , I hope someday to have some extra time when I can go through them . I know there are some wonderful stories and memories to be relived . But there 's a passage in the Bible that talks about us being living letters . That 's what you were to me . That 's what you were to so many others . You were the greatest letter of all . They weren 't in their room . The door stood open , all the furniture gone . It had been some weeks since we 'd been able to get over to the nursing home to visit with the couple who always greeted us with wide smiles and an invitation to find a seat in one of the chairs that fit snugly into the tiny living room . They had been on the first floor in this small suite complete with a small bedroom and a bath . There had been no need for a kitchen , all meals were provided in the dining room just down the hall . They had especially enjoyed that part , dining in the large , cheery room that seemed more like a restaurant with its small , festive tables . There were even menus so that they could select each day what they wanted to eat . It might not have been the home they had shared for many years , but it would do . Best of all , it allowed them to be together . Someone passing in the hall stopped and told us they 'd been moved to the second floor , that we 'd find them behind the double brown doors . We climbed the stairs , passed through a long hall and found what we were looking for . Larry gave one a push . It didn 't budge , obviously locked from the inside . I don 't know why I was surprised . I vaguely remembered a mention on one of our visits of the second floor residents being there because they could no longer care for themselves . I don 't believe the word Alzheimer 's was used , but it was fairly obvious what she had meant . Their names had been on a plaque outside their little home on the first floor along with a welcome wreath on the door that was usually open when we stopped for a visit . I suddenly felt weary , sad , at the sharp contrast . A worker told us to try the double brown doors again , that someone would open them from the inside . But be careful , she warned , not to let anyone come out as we were going in . He was sitting at a table with some of the other residents playing a memory game . We watched for a bit then wandered into his wife 's new room . A twin bed sat in the middle of the floor , her daughter plopped down on the corner putting pictures in a frame while her mother sat close by watching . She talked as she worked , expressing concern that her mother needed to get more rest , that she needed to sleep in the bed each night like she was supposed to . She looked up at me and explained that her father had been coming to her mother 's room at night . One would take the bed while the other slept in the chair . " You both need to sleep in your own beds , " she said , gently scolding her mother . One of the sons stood a bit awkwardly on the other side of the room , perhaps not quite knowing what to do with himself . His father was becoming increasingly disoriented and had recently wandered off the premises , he confided to Larry . That 's why they had been moved out of their little suite on the first floor . " We 've been together for sixty - two years . " Her voice came from the corner where she sat . " We 've never been apart . " The daughter picked up an album and pulled a few pictures for the frames that would hang on the walls , something to make this sterile little room feel a bit more like home for her mother . Suddenly her father appeared and plopped down in the chair that sat empty next to his wife . His eyes twinkled . He looked at his bride of sixty - two years . " So I 've been wondering , " he said . " Who gets the bed tonight ? " Posted by I went back home for a couple of days last week to celebrate the Fourth . It was nice being with family and sitting on the field at Bradner 's Stadium to watch the fireworks . But the best part of the trip had nothing to do with the occasion , it had more to do with meeting up with a friend . I hadn 't seen Debbie for several years , the last time was when her husband Gary was pastoring a church in Olean . Her kids were still home then , teenagers I think . Now they 're adults with families of their own . But a few months ago I happened to see a picture of her on a friend 's facebook page and felt a nudge to contact her . I need to go back a few more years . Karen is married to Gary 's brother Will . While visiting their son in South Carolina , they came to spend a day with us . I was not having an easy time with my voice , my Spasmodic Dysphonia was making it especially difficult to speak during their visit . Karen remembered , and when Debbie started having problems with her voice , her sister - in - law mentioned that the symptoms were similar to mine . I heard from her a few days after making contact . Included in her message she wrote , " I hear that you have experienced vocal loss in the past . I was diagnosed with Spasmodic Dysphonia . Have you heard of this ? I am struggling with vocal issues . " I don 't know why I am always surprised and amazed that our lives somehow manage to intersect with others in ways that I know to be far beyond mere coincidence . I never dreamed all those years ago that the day would come when we would both be facing the same health challenge . But I am the veteran , six years of working through the questions and frustrations . This is still pretty new for her , and if her experience is anything like mine , quite overwhelming . I am convinced that this was a divine directive , perfectly timed , designed to bring us together through a series of circumstances and individuals . This was just the latest , that we would both be in the same town visiting family and friends for the Fourth . We were heading South a little over a year ago when I tuned into a Christian radio station a few hours into our trip . I knew as soon as I heard the news announcer that there was something seriously wrong with his voice . The words were forced as if in a tug - a - war with his vocal cords . I looked at Larry . " Listen to him , I think he has what I have ! " I quickly wrote down the call letters and sent an email to the station after returning to New York . I explained that I suspected one of their staff had a voice disorder that I could identify . It wasn 't long before I heard back from the station manager , appreciative at my concern and curious at what more I could tell him . We exchanged a few messages and then I heard nothing more . I still don 't know the end of this story or if I ever will , but I 've no doubt that my tuning into that station during those few minutes of news broadcast was devised ahead of time . Larry and I were married his senior year of seminary . We had little money and didn 't own a television set , so we would go over to the student center to watch The Waltons on Thursday nights . One particular evening it was snowing hard as we drove back to our apartment , and we came upon a lone figure walking along the side of the road . Larry pulled over and asked if he could give the man a ride somewhere . His name was Bob Scott , a pastor from New York taking a sabbatical from his church to work on his doctorate . He would be separated from his family for several weeks , so I asked if he 'd like to come for dinner some night . He accepted . We sat around the table for a long time the night Bob came . I guess he liked us , because before he left , he asked if Larry might consider letting him send a resume on up to his district superintendent in New York . We looked at each other . What could it hurt ? Not too many months later , we were in that very district , settling into our first parsonage in beautiful Bradford County where we would spend the next eight years . I can 't watch an old episode of The Waltons without thinking of that night , over thirty - five years ago now , and the man we just happened to pick up on the side of the road . That simple act would determine not only where we would be in those early years of ministry , but would shape our future steps as well . So back to Debbie . She 's still trying to figure out what recourse to take with this voice stuff . I opted awhile back to go with botox injections , she 's seriously thinking of trying voice therapy . It was nice to reconnect and have someone to talk over these things , something that impacts both of us . Come to think of it , the timing couldn 't have been more perfect . Debbie Beers and me ( she 's on the right ) on July 5 , 2012 in Olean , New York A few days ago I had to be in a certain place at a certain time . Larry gave me what he considered a simple map . I knew the exit , no problem . I was positive he had told me to take the first left and then the next right after getting off the ramp . But something about the road wasn 't right . I pulled over to the side , pulled out the map and looked at the part he had highlighted in yellow . I was still confused . But I wasn 't going to panic yet , he promised me that he 'd have his cell phone close at hand , just in case . I dialed and it rang . And then it rang again and then again and a few more times before going to voice mail . My palms started to sweat and my chest tightened as I began to talk out loud . I always talk to myself when I 'm feeling out of control . This time I added Larry to the conversation as well , addressing him through clenched teeth as I tried the church and house numbers . The only one who answered was my sixteen - month - old granddaughter who 's visiting with her mom from El Paso . She obviously didn 't call her grandfather to the phone . Several years ago , long before cell phones were even a concept , I got lost in Rochester , New York . Larry had spoken at a men 's breakfast earlier that morning and I was supposed to meet him at the entrance to the New York thruway around nine or so . We were driving to Buffalo where I would be speaking at a women 's luncheon that afternoon . I would soon find out that the pastor 's wife who told me how to get there is as directionally challenged as I am . It wasn 't long before I was driving on the widest highway I had ever seen with cars whizzing past me at high speed . I had no idea where I was , where I was going or how to find my way back . My two youngest were in the backseat watching , their mother with her hands clutched vice - like to the wheel , talking to herself while blubbering like a baby . It eventually occurred to me that it might be a good idea to get off the highway , find a gas station and ask for a phonebook . I was able to stop my shaking long enough to look up the phone numbAnd then there 's the time that we were in Allentown , Pennsylvania . We had made arrangements to meet our friend Mick at the school where he was studying for the ministry . Larry immediately jumped out of the car upon seeing him and before I knew it Mick had suggested I might want to drive on over to the trailer park where they lived . Cindy and their two girls were waiting for us there . He hastily gave me the directions , assured me that I 'd have no trouble finding the way , and suddenly they were gone . I wasn 't too far out before I knew I had no idea where I was , for not only am I directionally challenged , I also have trouble retaining a lot of information at once . I remembered the first few turns , and then nothing more . My mind was blank , I was completely lost with no address , no phone , no number . And so I did what I do so well in this situation , I gripped the wheel as tight as I could and cried . " Sing . " The voice wasn 't audible but it spoke nonetheless . So I sniffed one last time and started singing one of my favorite songs , " Praise the Lord . " I don 't think I was hardly out of the first verse and chorus when I remember descending a hill and coming up on the other side to find directly in front of me the most beautiful scene imaginable , a trailer park . Last August some friends came from South Carolina to spend four or five days with us . Unexpectedly , a dear friend from Alabama died right before their arrival and Larry was asked to fly down and perform the funeral service . I was in a panic . Granted , I wouldn 't have to drive , but they would need me as navigator , getting them where they wanted to go . When I actually found my way to Watkin 's Glen one day , I inwardly breathed a huge sigh of relief . They had no idea how terrified I was that we might end up somewhere else . There was one afternoon , however , that went particularly badly . They love thrift stores , and we put some extra miles on their speedometer getting to the Salvation Army . I knew where it was , I had been there on several occasions . I just couldn 't remember how to get there . But I do know how to get to the airport where we picked Larry up the following day . I was never so happy to see him , a tremendous burden lifted ! On the way home I asked him if he minded making a stop . It was one of those thrift stores they 'd wanted to check out . I 'd tried to take them but ended up somewhere else . He didn 't even hesitate , knowing right where to go . I wish I could do that , head somewhere and get there without getting lost first . I read an article in Reader 's Digest sMarcy Burke I picked the first of my rhubarb on Saturday . I think it was early this year due to the short , mild winter we had . I cooked it up into sauce , set some aside for us and then took a container over to my neighbor John who really likes the stuff . I was glad some of it was ready . It was Mother 's Day weekend and it brought back some special memories for me , especially of my mom . I love rhubarb , so you can imagine my delight when I discovered a small patch of it after we moved into our little parsonage three summers ago . It sits back behind the garage so it was several days before I even noticed it . One day I decided to take a stroll around the yard and voila , there it was ! I could hardly wait for Larry to come home to share my find with him . Growing up , there was a row of rhubarb that popped through the soil every spring in the far corner of our back yard . My parents purchased their home when I was five years old , and I don 't ever remember a time when the rhubarb wasn 't there . I can 't begin to imagine how much I must have eaten over the years , the desserts , the jam , the sauce served in little bowls still warm off the stove or as a topping over vanilla ice cream . I never tired of it . My mom loved her kitchen and could bake most anything , but of everything she concocted , her pies were the best . Her crust was melt - in - the - mouth perfection which she would first roll out into a perfect circle and would then bake to a golden brown , the filling bubbling through the narrow slits she 'd cut into the top . They were all wonderful , the apple , the peach , the cherry , the blackberry . She made a mincemeat in a ten - inch pie pan every Thanksgiving , with a light sprinkling of sugar over the top crust . It was exquisite , I 've never had better . But of all the pies she made , my absolute favorite was the strawberry - rhubarb . Frances Lea Marvin , my mom ! My first year away at school was especially lonely for me . I was in South Carolina , nine - hundred miles away from home and terribly homesick . But someone who was traveling through from New York came to my room one day bearing gifts from my mother . In the first container was a dress she had made , a green one to match my red hair . And in the other container , much to my delight , was a strawberry - rhubarb pie . There would be more packages . Each birthday she would send a new dress , every one of them green . And if she knew of someone coming my way , I 'd get a hand - delivered strawberry - rhubarb pie . When Larry pastored in Pennsylvania , one of the members had some at her place and insisted we help ourselves to all we wanted . And I did , making my share of rhubarb sauce and rhubarb crisp and rhubarb pie , just like my mom had . And like her , I 'd make sure to freeze some so it would be on hand during the winter months . But eventually we left the north land and headed to the far south where rhubarb refuses to grow . I missed my rhubarb , but occasionally one of the grocery stores would bring it in and I 'd pay a ridiculous amount of money to buy enough for a couple of pies . One time Larry flew home to see his ailing mother in New York . He had a surprise for me when I picked him up at the airport a week later , a carry on full of rhubarb . Now back to this past Saturday . Early that evening I decided to go see my octogenarian friend Rena and check out the seedlings she 's been growing to put in her garden . I spent several minutes in her little greenhouse admiring the young plants and walking around her backyard to see where everything would eventually go . Then suddenly she raised her hand and pointed to the far fence which bordered her property . " Do you see what I have growing there ? " she asked . My mouth dropped open . The entire length of the wall was nothing but rhubarb ! Then she pointed to the right of where we were standing and there was more yet . I had never seen so much rhubarb growing in one place in my entire life ! " Do you like rhubarb ? " she wanted to know . The next morning I got up early and cut up what I had brought from Rena 's house . She had insisted I take some and to help myself anytime I 'd like more . So I made what I had into sauce , filling a couple more containers full . I delivered them that afternoon after church . I think my mom would have been pleased . It was , after all , Mother 's Day . Larry will never forget the first time he saw him . We were pastoring in Herrickville , a farming community in Northeast Pennsylvania . I 've written a bit about our early years in Bradford County , a beautiful little chunk of God 's creation made up of dirt roads and green vistas . He was traversing one of those very roads when he came upon a lone figure dwarfed in a large trench coat , wearing a crumpled hat and carrying a gas can . Larry pulled over to ask if he could give him a ride somewhere . He was met with a toothless grin as the gentleman slid in beside him . He introduced himself as Albert . He showed up for church the following Sunday with his wife Jeanette and their son Joey who was probably twelve at the time . Albert was scrawny , I don 't think he weighed much over a hundred and twenty pounds . His son , however , looked nothing like his father . He was big for his age , favoring more his mother who was a bit on the plump side . They settled in and we began to see a lot of them . Jeanette was intelligent and pleasant . But we soon discovered that Albert was a different matter altogether . He was slow , simple . And at times difficult . He wanted to play softball , for example , so joined the church team but would curse every time he missed the ball . He found it difficult to control his emotions and was easily offended , much like a child on the verge of puberty . In spite his lack of certain social graces , most in the church were patient with him . There were a few , however , who complained about him , tired of his poor manners . Thinking back , I might have been one of them . Then came Father 's Day . Larry had asked his Sunday school class to write down and then share something they had learned from their dads . During the course of the discussion , Albert said he had learned nothing from his father because he 'd never known him . He proceeded to tell his story , about being birthed out of an illicit family relationship . When Larry later told me what Albert had said that morning , I felt so sad for him , for the childhood he must have had . There were still some episodes with Albert after that , at one point he even left the church for awhile . But Larry was always attentive towards the family , and after paying them a few visits , we saw them once again back in the pews . I remember well the time they invited us into their home for a meal , so proud that they were able to extend hospitality to the pastor and his family . Larry happened to take a picture of Albert in his kitchen that day . He looked a bit frazzled , but I know that he was trying the best he could to express his gratitude to us for caring about him , making him feel important . Albert in his kitchen the day he and Jeanette invited us for dinner Albert had been given the important job of counting heads on Wednesday evenings when we ran our children 's program , and Jeanette was helping pretty regularly in the nursery . It was also on a Wednesday evening in early December that we would see them for the last time . As they headed out the church door for home that night , Albert turned to Larry and told him how glad he was that he took the time to pick him up on the road that day . The phone call came during dinner the next night . Albert 's house was on fire . As Larry pulled up to the property , he saw no sign of the family among the crowd that had gathered there . It wouldn 't be until the fire was extinguished that the horrible , gruesome discovery was made . There were three bodies in the garage , so badly burned they were unrecognizable . An investigation would later reveal the truth . They 'd all been murdered . The place had been doused with gasoline and set ablaze to cover the crime . It was sometime afterwards that Larry sat down with the man who would spend the rest of his life in prison for their murders . He had asked for the preacher to come , wanting in some way to explain how an ordinary day had turned so tragic . Ironically , Albert had considered him to be one of his closest friends . But it was a female companion , also a so - called friend , who suddenly snapped and pulled the trigger , killing Joey first and then his parents . I can 't imagine the shock , then the unimaginable horror of that moment when Albert and Jeanette heard the blast and saw their son fall to the ground . He was , after all , everything to them . It was his being that gave them both purpose . So as horrible as those next moments were , when those final shots rang through the air , I do believe that God was showing mercy to Albert and Jeanette . There was a memorial service for the three of them and the church was packed . I think they would have been surprised but pleased to see how many people had come to pay their respects . I was in Herrickville a couple of months ago and passed the place where their home used to sit . All traces of the house are gone , nothing there to remind us that a very simple man and his family died on that bit of ground almost thirty years ago . But Albert never really went away , I 've seen him many times since , pretty much everywhere I 've lived . He looks different and his circumstances have changed , but it 's him . He can be difficult and sometimes demands more of me than what I have or feel like giving . And his story often makes me uncomfortable , it 's so different from my own . It 's then that God speaks to my spirit . " Except by my grace , " he whispers , " that could be your story . " Jeanette , Joey and Albert in 1983 , a year before they died A Valentine for Frances Several adults with special needs attend our church . Tim is one of my favorites . After you read his story , I think you 'll see why . . . . A Valentine for Frances Several adults with special needs attend our church . Tim is one of my favorites . After you read his story , I think you 'll see why . . . . |
My assigned letter is written and the envelope attached . I will turn it in . It will also have a small note paper clipped to the front of it that says , " You do not have my permission to mail this . " I will leave it at that . I will see what happens . If I am called into the office , I will explain , as briefly as possible , why it is a violation of my civil rights . I will explain , briefly , that I consider it to have the smackings of a conflict of interest for the college . I will offer to discuss it with higher ups . But I will not negotiate this one . If it affects my grade adversely , I will protest . I did the assignment . I did not let them mail the letter . If I want it mailed , I will do so myself , at the urging of my own conscience , which is , in my opinion , the only reason that people should be politically active . I have a number of reasons that I am taking this stand . Mostly though , I am doing it because of this : ( a snippet from a column ) " Cara is in Korea , at Daegu University . She was gathered up , along with all the other students and bused to an ' event ' . It turns out that this was a government / university backed propaganda event . Korea and Japan have disputed the ownership of Dokdo Island , which the Japanese refer to as Takeshima Island . The college president got up to speak , citing a long list of ' proof ' of Korean ownership . Then a Korean student dressed in a kimono which had been cut immodestly short , and tottered around the stage as students laughed . Japan was being portrayed as a prostitute . Some students gave speeches that they had been paid for . Patriotic tee - shirts were offered to all students . " Dokdo is Korea Land ! " The students were whipped into a frenzy of patriotism and that chant rang throughout the stadium , again and again . Cara sat in the midst of the international students watching all of this , and was horrified . The culture of Japan was mocked repeatedly during the 5 ½ hour event and at one point , it was suggested that Japan 's tsunami and earthquakes were divine retribution . " Dokdo is KorPosted by Sometimes , we are called to do things for our class that I don 't agree with . Nobody asks my opinion , and so I attempt to do what is required despite my own feelings . One of the things that sticks in my craw is that we have been called to go to our professional website and take legislative action on two controversies , as well as write a letter to one of our elected officials advocating for our profession . We must bring the letter in to be graded , along with an addressed envelope so that when they are finished with it , it can be sent off to the elected official . Now , I have some pretty strong political feelings , and one of them is that my politics are my own business . The idea of being graded on my opinion ( in effect ) rankled me . Lets be real here . If I sent in a letter that adopted a stance they felt was not helpful to the profession of Occupational Therapy , I would not get a good grade . To be sure , they are not merely checking the letter for spelling errors and to insure that I knew how to write a business letter . Having us compose the letter was bad enough , but sending the letter off , whether I want it sent off or not , irks me . But a grade is a grade . I dutifully went off to the website and I took action on two things via e - mail . I wrote my letter , which was easier that I expected , once I discovered that I did feel strongly about arbitrary caps to medicare outpatient treatment , and Lord knows , that is something that would affect the profession , but still , being forced to get politically involved because your teacher has assigned it . . . oi . . . it still rankles me to no end . So tell me : Is this one of those mountain out of a molehill things ? It 's been one of those days . You know what is really beginning to frighten me ? We are taking these exams that are supposed to prepare us for the state certification exam . I am consistently awful at these , ranging in the 60 - 70 percent range . It is a multiple choice set up where you have to find ' the most right ' answer . Today , an answer that I was sure I 'd figured out was not the most right answer . The more time that I spend on the test , the worse I do . The teacher tells me that I 'm over thinking . I listen to her reasoning , and honest to pete , I don 't see where I 'm making any more assumptions about the exam than she is . It 's just that we 're looking in two different directions . I 'm earnestly trying to follow her reasoning , because I want to do well , but I 'm not getting it . I walked out of there today and all I could think was : " What if , what if , I get all the way through this course and flunk the certification ? " I know that it is stupid to look that far ahead . Especially since I manage to scare the puckey - doo out of myself every single time that I do this . Oh , me of little faith . I am ashamed . Some folks can leap from their bed and greet the day with a smile . Me ? I sort of climb out of bed and stagger down the stairs . Coffee is important to me , and my first stop is always to start the coffee pot . ( Yes . The first stop . . . ) That first sip of coffee starts the process . I can feel tiny fingers of alertness uncurling inside of me . By the time that I finish my customary two cups , I am generally ready to amble off to get ready for the day . This morning was no different . Now I am awake . Things looked much brighter before I woke up . Stinking coffee . Oooh . I 've been studying hard , and it 's making me a little crazy . I always feel like there is just . so . much . more . I . need . to . know . * whimper * I went to bed later than I should have last night , got up at 3 for freight day at the store , ended up working until 3 PM which made me cross and tired . The freight team has always done freight and left . Today we were assigned cleaning one side of the store . Deep cleaning . Thorough cleaning . No one was happy about that . It 's not a lot of fun to be dirty and smelly and socially unacceptable , and still interacting with customers . I am afraid that I got kind of snotty about it . A 10 hour day is bad enough . A 10 hour day busting ass is horrid . I hadn 't brought lunch because we never work that late , and when we do , the store generally sends out for pizza . I drove home . I had a call that I had to make . I grabbed a sandwich and vented my spleen to Tim , and then headed back out the door and went back to work . I apologized to Ryan , the freight team leader . I can be ornery when provoked , and the whole thing was not his idea , to be sure . In any case , I came home hungry and tired , and put in several hours of studying , and still feel dumb . I was saved by little snippets of entertainment over at BB 's comment section , a words of wisdom from Kelly and a invitation to go to Pumpkin Town with my nephews and sister in law . Thanks everyone . You saved the day . But parts of it still sucked . Posted by I was headed out of Walmart yesterday . As I headed towards the sliding glass doors , an elderly man was headed in . He flashed a huge smile and with great flair , he raised his hands and flung them wide . The doors slid open , just as they usually do when a person approaches them , and with the grin of a satisfied magician , he dropped his hands and stepped through the door . I burst out laughing and said , " Man , that 's quite a magic trick there , by gosh ! " and he said , with mock modesty , " Yes . I know a lot of tricks like this . " I love that the world has characters like that . I made up my mind that I 'm going to be one . Posted by I can 't abide a gossip . Gossip is never harmless , even if the person repeating it thinks that it is . It 's embarrassing to be gossiped about . I remember once , after my hair fell out during chemo , a local beauty salon offered free wig cuts as a service to cancer patients . I was uncertain about the wig , and how to wear it , and so I took advantage of that offer . The beautician was very nice , don 't get me wrong , but as she was cutting my wig , the comb caught , tore the wig from my head . I sat there , exposed , as the other patrons of the salon stared at my bald head . It was mortifying . The beautician snatched my wig , and slapped it back on my head . I knew that she didn 't mean to , and I knew that she felt badly , so I accepted her apology immediately , and tried to reassure her . Much to my surprise , when I walked into church the following Sunday , an elderly lady who loves to talk , walked up to me and , laughingly told me that she 'd heard about the incident , talked how badly the beautician felt . My fellow congregant seemed to have no idea that the incident was embarrassing , and spoke of it openly and for everyone to hear , and moreover , when she did not get a response from me , went on about the story at length . I was upset at the beautician , and made up my mind to never go back there again . I was also upset that the person repeating the story would do it so blatantly , and in church at that . I took a deep breath . I have heard this woman gossip before , and about others , and thought it was not nice , but at that point , being the person with the interesting life , being the subject of gossip , I made up my mind that I would never gossip . It 's petty , it 's hurtful , and it is also discussed quite plainly in the Bible . We are not to do it . The church gossip met me on the steps this morning . She told me that she 'd worked with my mother , that they 'd shared a lot , how sorry she was , etc . She waited eagerly for me to speak . I thanked her for her condolences . This was not at all what she wanted to hear . She began to nose a little . You know , sDebby Today , after the funeral , after the graveside service , after meeting with the kids for dessert to celebrate ( belatedly ) Brianna 's 30th birthday , we came home . Dylan headed for Allentown in his Jeep , and Cara headed back to Clarion in her little Cavalier . The house was empty once again . We went to the new house with a load of things . There is a large walk in closet that I had plans for . I have always had a ' gift closet ' . When I see things that I think people would like , or when I see things on sale , I buy them , ( when I can ) and I put them away . You save a lot of time and money at holiday times . I stood there daydreaming in that closet ( it even has a window ~ ) , trying to imagine what Christmas would be like this year . It made me feel better on this sad day . A local building supply place was having a ' yard sale , ' and Tim had his eye on a door , so we headed off with some measurements . We couldn 't actually make any purchases there . The store was closed . So we headed off to another building supply place to buy some wood putty . They had some discontinued ceramic tile on sale , marked down from $ 6 . each ( yikes ) to 79 cents each , so we bought the rest of them . We thought the carved design would make a beautiful backsplash for the kitchen sink and the 22 tiles would be enough to take care of that job . We also found a dozen painted tiles that matched the kitchen curtains , and I 've an idea to put them together to make a couple trivets to use on the table for hot things . When they are not being used , they would look attractive displayed on the wall by the window . They were only 33 cents each , so they were an exciting find as well . We want to have large area rugs for the hardwood floors , and we stopped by to look at some . I found one , a sculpted white area rug that would look very nice with the wicker furniture at the base of the third floor stairway , and at $ 19 . for a six by nine , we figured that we could afford to make that purchase as well . It was a dreamy sort of evening , finding treasures for the house and daydreaming aboutPosted by Kind of an astounding day today , and I am not sure what to make of it . There 's been a lot going on , a lot of things that you all don 't know of , lots of things that I 've been pondering in my own heart . Today , many things were set to rest in that heart of mine , and I don 't know how to explain that right now , not without sounding like a complete lunatic . It is enough to say that driving today , my heart was set to rest , and I feel as if I can step out in confidence to deal with the events of the next few days , and I thank God for that one . My kids will be home tomorrow night for their grandmother 's funeral on Saturday . Dylan gets in at four , no word yet from Cara . Brianna and Buddy are moving into their own place this weekend , so that is a good thing , although it makes things a bit more hectic . I 'm looking forward to having my kids home . It gives us a chance to celebrate Brianna 's 30th birthday , which was actually September 18th , but we thought it would be more special to celebrate it when everyone was home . Marking the end of a life , celebrating a life unfolding . It 's all kind of jarring in a way , but it 's also the way of life , I guess . My mother 's 9th great grandchild was born the day after her death . ' Life 's a dance you learn as you go . ' We 're dancing along with things as best we can . I suppose that the big news is that I drove to Erie for the results of my PET scan . No cancer . They also said it is about this time when they begin to cautiously use the word ' cure ' . They did comment that I need to seek followup because I have , of all things , an aortic aneurism . It shocked me to hear that , because my mother had one for years . Since hers never grew or changed , I guess that I was pretty calm about that news . It was more like ' Huh . Now that 's ironic . ' I 'm not worried about that in the least . I am very glad for the cancer free diagnosis . I walked out of there in shock , I imagine . I called Tim to let him know , because I knew he was anxious to know , and I called my sister and left the news on her answering machine . I began thePosted by My mother 's funeral is Saturday , at noon . Her ashes will be buried with my father 's ashes . Then it will be done . This evening , I wrote my column for her , and I submitted it . Now I sit in my quiet dark house . I should be doing homework , but instead , I am listening to the distant thunder and thinking on things even more distant than that . The rain is coming , and it seems only right that it should . Not much to report here . I 've got three projects and a test this week , so I 've been very busy . I 've got one project ready to be handed in , another project will be done today , and the third project ( and a test ) on Friday . I was working in a group on manual muscle testing . We have a practical the first week of October , and these practicals are big deals . Now , I 'd just made the astounding discovery that I still had one week between now and the practical . That was stunning to me , and mentally , I did a little happy dance , because I 've been studying like crazy for this exam , because I thought that it was next week . Anyways , later that day , Vanessa asked a worried question about the practical , and I responded in a pretty laid back way . Something to the effect of , " Every single class has gone through these practicals and survived to graduate . We 're not stupider than any class before us . It 'll be fine . " She looked at me , surprised . " What happened to you ? " she asked . I looked back at her . " What ? " Vanessa has no ' filter ' . Have you met people like that ? She once said to another class mate , " You know , you 're kind of smart , " to which the classmate smiled hugely and started to say " Hey , thanks . . . " before it turned into " Hey . . . wait a minute . . . " So , I said , " What , " and I waited a little nervously , because Lord knows what the girl was about to pop out with . She looked at me and said , " You 're so calm . Last year , you always had your panties in a bunch about something . " All four of us fell across the table laughing . It 's true I suppose . Last year , I had classes every single day , and two of the classes were truly labor intensive classes , and I had to work , and juggle home stuff , and it was awful because I never felt like I had enough time to do my homework , and I was always just feeling sick about something . This year , I attend school Monday , Wednesday , and Friday . That 's it . The days in between , I can work on school stuff . I am a lot more relaxed . It feels nice actually . Yesterday morning at work , we pulled a half ton of wood pellets inside . People sometimes just want a bag or two , so we keep some of them up front , along side the woodstoves , but we have tons of pellets stored outside , wrapped in plastic . Anyhow , I cut away the plastic from the pallet of pellets ( say that ten times fast why doncha ? ) and we began tossing bags of pellets . Much to my dismay , between the bags was a preying mantis that had been damaged . That made me feel badly . We set him off to the side . We finished the job , and were surprised to find a toad had hidden away between those bags as well , and was hopping around the aisle . I laughed , and I picked him up and carried him outside . I felt so bad about the mantis that I carried the toad to the end of the parking lot and set him down by the tall grass . I just would have felt terrible to set him down in front of the store and find him smooshed flat on the pavement later . ( Natch , he showed his gratitude by peeing on my hand twice . ) I came back into the store , and continued to clean up the debris from our pallet of pellets . I was gratified to see that preying mantis sitting up as a preying mantis does , looking restored . He was carried out the back door and put in the tall grass there . Life is made memorable by the small moments , the tiny details . At least it seems that way to me . It was a busy night last night . Tim started talking to the new neighbor over the fence , and he was quite a genial guy , full of information about the history of our house , and the people who lived there before . By the time that I dragged those stone urns to the garden shed and returned , Tim was over in their yard calling me . They pulled the fence back and I stepped over . The man worked for a time for the Historical Society , and his mother and wife and I talked in the rapidly fading evening light . They now run a small ' playhouse ' , where bands and small stage productions book performances , so that was interesting . They had a little fire going . Tim took him over to our house and showed him where there was a ready supply of small firewood they could help themselves to . It was nice to chat in the cool evening , and we made plans to do it all again , as soon as we get moved in . When we told them we were hoping to be moved in by the end of October , they were pleased . It will be nice having neighbors , neighborly neighbors , the sort of neighbors that become part of your life . On an entirely different note , a woman who 'd often come to sit with my mother walked up to Tim in the store yesterday and began to talk . Much to his shock , she wanted to know if the will had been read . She was curious . She knew there was an insurance policy , she began . Tim said , " I don 't know anything about that , " and told me about it later , a bit amazed . I was more than a bit amazed . I was gobsmacked . Okay . We 're finishing the floors and the second floor is done . Tim has done a beautiful job . They just glow . He 'd gone to a local home improvement store , and found an oil based semigloss finish that looked to be the same as we 'd begun with , except that this was on clearance , marked down from its normal $ 40 a gallon to $ 30 . Tim bought a gallon to see if it worked as well as the higher priced stuff we 'd bought . Lo . It did . He called me and told me to go buy three more gallons . I did . He went back today , and he bought the remaining 3 gallons . We marvelled over that . It seems like when we need something , we find it on clearance or on sale . It 's kind of neat how it happens , and we 're always grateful when this happens , because it really seems to happen a lot . Today , I was working at the store . We 've had some stone urns out front that I have coveted for such a very long time . These are heavy suckers , that I can barely carry , probably 18 " high , ornate . They 'd been reduced from $ 60 to $ 35 , and then down to $ 20 . I did so want them , but I didn 't feel like I could justify spending that kind of money . Things are tight around here after paying for my semester of schooling out of my own pocket . When I went out to bring carts in , a man and a woman were eyeing the stone birdbath . I watched a little enviously , wondering what it would feel like to just spend $ 20 without thinking about it . Imagine my shock to hear the manager ringing them up on the next register , and saying , " I don 't know how we missed this ; these are now $ 9 . 99 . " I said , " What ? ! ! ! Are you kidding me ? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " I whipped my debit card out of my pocket , and said , " I am so not joking . I want two of those urns . " I got two of those massive urns for $ 19 . 98 , plus tax . Yes . I know . I spent $ 20 without thinking . I spent the rest of the day feeling guilty about it . Tim was not mad . He was tickled pink . They 're really gorgeous . He stopped by the store to say , " Hey , they 've got a sconce on clearance at Lowe 's . I think it would match . I don 't know . " So after work , we charged over tPosted by The polished and finished floors are beautiful . Just gorgeous . And we ordered the counter top for the kitchen . And the carpet cleaners are coming on Thursday . We will begin moving things in , room by room . I cannot believe this is happening . I 'm all kinds of way excited . We hope to be moved in by the end of October . How this will happen between school and everything else ? I think it will take a miracle , but then I think that this whole episode has been one miracle after another . I remember to be grateful . It 's been a jumbled up week . I 'm trying to catch up from the things that I missed Monday , when I was not in class . We cover so much , and so quickly , that it 's easy to get behind . Today , I was supposed to submit my personal and professional goals . My teachers had given me a list of strengths as well as areas that I need to work on . My strengths were listed first : " Compassionate , hard working , reflective , dedicated , driven , very self aware ( some times to a fault though ) , great with patients ! " My weaknesses were also laid out : I 'm not good at conflict resolution , much preferring to back out of the conflict . ( I suppose that is from years of conflict with NO resolution . ) Another weakness was my ability to work with difficult people . ( I back away from them to avoid the conflicts that I don 't know how to resolve , I suppose . ) It was also suggested that I begin to work on my self esteem issues . I was headed to the library , deep in thought . It is one thing to know your faults , another thing altogether to figure out how to fix these things . I walked past an Asian woman and smiled in a distracted sort of way . Suddenly , she called my name . I turned , confused . " You are Debby ______ ? " she asked . She remembered me from a tour while I was at the Conservation District . She worked with Tim for a short while at a factory . She introduced herself to me , and then said the most amazing thing . In her heavily accented English , she said , " I am here to learn to write better English . I love your articles . I want to learn to write like you do . " Heck . That meeting was darned good for my self esteem . Late Edit : You know what else is good for my self esteem ? Just sitting down with my books . I worked on muscles for several hours tonight , memorizing and making notes , downloading diagrams . I don 't feel nearly as hopeless as I did for most of the week . There is a fellow who comes into the store sometimes . I do not like him . He always says , in a sotto voice , that he is friends w / the manager , and says that they have a deal . Now there are some customers who do get a deal , but they are the ones who buy feed by the pallet , or something like that . This fellow does not come in frequently . I believe that he runs the scam all over town . When he gets a lower price on the dog food at our store , he flashes that receipt all over town to get other stores to match the price . Then after a few months , when other stores refuse to match the price on the months old receipt , he comes back to us , and tells the cashier that he is a friend of the manager 's , and starts the cycle all over . The first couple times that he came in , I gave him the special deal that he claimed he got , although I did not think that he should have gotten it . The manager wasn 't there to ask . It always made me feel dishonest because it is not our policy . It made me nervous , but then I never remembered to ask the manager about it , because this fellow is such an infrequent customer . The last time , though , the assistant manager was in , so I talked him and he told me that I should ask the boss how he wanted it handled , and so I did . The manager was shocked , knew nothing about this , did not know the guy , told me not to honor the price . Anyways , I haven 't seen that customer for some time , but lo , tonight he came up to the register . He said , in a very business - like voice , " I 'm sure you remember me . Your boss and I have a deal . " I looked at him , and explained our policy very clearly . He looked at me . He was surprised . He said , " Your boss told me . . . " and I said , " I 'm sorry but that is incorrect , and this directive is from my boss . " We stared at each other , and I have to say as I stood there sticking to my guns , it felt good to do so . He finally said , " Well , then I 'm only buying one bag of dog food . " I said , pleasantly , that I 'd be glad to put the other bag back . That cat was around a couple days ago * hangs head * No , Bill . I did not have a camera on me , but she sashayed up to Tim and wound around his legs a couple times and then came over to me to be held and petted . I set her gently back on the ground , and she walked into the open door of the house . I followed her . She sat waiting for me patiently at the top of the stairs . I climbed to the second floor and she went straight to the door of the third floor and began to try to nose it open . I opened it for her and she shot directly up the carpeted stairs and turned left . I went away , thinking to myself that she 'd been in the house before . She knows the place . I wondered about her story , if she 'd been abandoned by the previous owners . I went back outside and visited with Dave and Anna and Tim . When it came time to close up and leave , lo , I could not find the cat . Anna helped me look . No sign of it , not anywhere . Tim laughed from outside . That cat had climbed out the window , on to the roof of the second floor porch , and then went to the side and leaped up on the third story roof , and was sauntering around having a cat 's eye view of the world . She came when she was called , climbed back in the window , and came down stairs to sprawl lazily at Dave 's feet for some more petting . She really does act like she belongs , the furred royalty of that fine house . In the midst of everything that has been going on , Tim 's Uncle Chuck died suddenly , just a scant three weeks after his wife Ruby died . The funeral was yesterday . Tim 's parents met him at the new house , and they rode together to the funeral , which was a 1 1 / 2 hour drive . Before they left , the cat checked up on things . When Tim 's father saw the cat , he was quite taken with it . ( It is a pretty creature . ) He wanted to take it home . It was Tim that told him no , that he couldn 't have it . He told me about it that evening . " My father sure liked your cat , " Tim said . My cat . I like the sounds of that . . . P . S . The cat 's name is Booker C . I 've long had a vision of sprawling on the couch in the libraPosted by Did you ever get to a place where you just feel as if no explanations are necessary ? Where you can sit quietly amidst the swirling complaints and negatives , and it simply doesn 't matter . You feel no need to speak up , to explain yourself , to correct the narrative as it is recounted by others ? I 'm there . The people that love you will give you the benefit of the doubt . The ones that don 't , won 't . In the end , the people that love you are the people that matter . I sit here in the quiet of my own house , and I savor that quiet . I have no desire to let chaos in , and so the door stays shut from it . I am grateful for this place . Mostly , I am grateful for the quiet knocks , for the people that say in a whisper , " Are you okay ? Do you want to want to talk ? " and I do , so I let them in , and we speak quietly and calmly , and without accusations and pointing fingers . On the morning of September 11th , my mother passed away . It 's sad . Anna had sent me an e - mail saying , " mom is about the same , maybe tireder . . . " so it was a shock to walk in to her room and find her gurgling and unresponsive . That night , when Tim and I got up to leave the room , there was a whir from her dresser . She had a music box , something that my father had bought her for Christmas many years ago , when I was still in high school . He 'd given it to me , along with some other things to wrap . I remember being tickled that he would have bought something so sentimental for her . I heard that whir , and I turned to it , and that music box played just the first line : ' . . . let me call you sweetheart . . . ' and then it just stopped . Just like that . My mom died a few hours later . Coincidence ? Maybe . I don 't know . I 'm not a great believer in stuff like that . I do know that it was a comfort to hear what she could not say , and I am glad for it . I grieve . I grieve for the loss of my mother , and I grieve for what was and what is no more . There 's that . There 's relief too . It was a stressful time . She did not seem to suffer , and I am glad for that . I can 't feel more than that right now . I 'll ponder it in my mind and pray on it . I 'll talk with the people that know me best . The sharp discomfort of grief will give way to something softer and more comforting . I spent this morning on my knees , working on the kitchen floor . Tim had ripped up horrible linoleum , and discovered that beneath the linoleum was a layer of felt that had been glued to the hardwood floor . I 'd been trying to scrape it up , but the felt just separated into layers , and I was removing a layer only to find another layer of felt beneath that , and then beneath that yet more felt . The kitchen is good sized , and it began to seem that this was the never ending job . We tried a heat gun suggested by the folks at the wallpaper store , but that did not work . In desperation , we poured water on the floor . Lots of it . Ironic , since when we 've been trying to dry out the house since we moved in . The burst radiators had introduced a whole lot of humidity into the house , and we 've had dehumidifiers running since we took possession of it . In any case , Tim poured the hot water on the floor , soaking the felt , and I crawled around on my hands and knees scraping . That worked well , and within a couple hours , we could see that the floor in the kitchen was salvageable . ( We were afraid we might have to put down more linoleum or perhaps a laminate . ) I crawled around on the floor scraping and daydreaming about what the world was like the last time that wood floor had seen the light of day . I wondered about the people that lived in it then . I spend a lot of time daydreaming about what was , but I know that time does not run backward . Those people lived in their time , and they are here no longer . I am living in my time , and the day will come when I am here no longer . Somebody I do not know prepared meals for her family . She is gone now , and although I am surrounded by what was familiar to her , it tells me nothing about her . When I am gone , there will be someone else who follows me into that kitchen , and she will prepare meals in the place that is familiar to me , but tells her nothing about me , and who I am . I think about that . When we are young , we have big dreams of making a mark in this world , but the truth is , most of us won 't . Most oPosted by Kelly did a post over at her blog about favorite five feel good songs . To my way of thinking , a feel good song is one of those songs that you cannot hear on the radio without singing along . I grew up in the sixties and early seventies , so my ' feel good ' music is from that time frame . Understand also that you can 't get too hung up on the lyrics of it . It 's the beat man . I tried to download the videos , but could not , but click on , peoples , click on . . . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? NR = 1 & v = iMD5J96Qv4g & feature = fvwpOkay . ' Fess up . Could you watch this without your lips moving ? http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = DPTiBGlz2eUGo to town every Saturday , church every sunday , awwwwww Nutbush ! Nutbush City limits . . . . . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = KqZ95a249p0Old black water , keep on rolling , Mississippi moon won 't you keep on shining on me ? http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = np0solnL1XYIf I died tomorrow , would you still remember me ? I 'm as free as a bird now , and this bird you cannot chaaaaaaaaaaaange . . . . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = 2omuoO _ hIbQ & feature = relatedIs this a real life , or is it fantasy ? Caught in a landslide , no escape from reality . . . These songs bring back memories of other places and other people and other times . And they always make me sing . But putting together this post I also came up with http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = iQDaUjI1y3Q & feature = related She packed up her bags and she took off down the road , she left me here stranded with the bills she owed , she took my address and my name , ain 't it a doggone shame , sunspot baby : I 'm going to catch up with you some time . And what about ' they do respect her but , they sure love to watch her strut ' http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = 6qbeIwn5jR8 & feature = related . Today 's music ain 't got the same soul , I like that old time rock and roll http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = U4lglk29Tp0 & feature = relatedYeah , Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet put out a lot of stuff that is very singable even if you 're in your fifties , driving a Buick down the road . I admit it , I just can 't stop at five . There 's a lot oPosted by Well . You know how sometimes you blurt stuff and then later ( and only later ) realize that it could be misconstrued . I did that . ' Round here , I call them ' fox paws ' . I did a fox paw today . I 'm at the grocery store picking up a few items . Dylan is coming home to see his grandmother , and it 's almost his birthday so we 'll celebrate his birthday while he 's here . We haven 't had a chance to do that for probably four years now , so it is a big deal in my own heart . I made Boston Cream Pie ( his favorite ) and the steaks are marinating , with a nice tossed salad to go with it . But then , Dave had roma tomatoes from his garden at church , and I thought that a nice bruschetta would go well with everything , but of course , then I had to stop to pick up black olives and bread to go with , so that meant a stop at the grocery store on the way home from church . A woman smiled at me in a friendly way , and I smiled back . I noticed that she was watching me closely . Being self conscious , I begin to wonder about proverbial spinach on my teeth . Or worse yet , did I know her , and not recognize her ? Gosh that happens to me all the time . I wondered and I worried . Walking out of the store with my few items , talking with Tim , I saw the woman again . She said , " I 'm sorry . I love your articles . I feel like I know you . " Dear reader : if you are reading this , I did not mean it the way it sounded . Please comment and let me know that you were not offended . I should stick to writing . At least I can backspace and correct my mistakes . Well , Bill , we saw that cat . We worked at the house today . I painted the kitchen . ( Tim changed his mind on the color . And then he changed his mind on the finish , and finally , he changed his mind on the color one last time ) . I painted the kitchen for the final time . Tim was in the back yard moving a shed with his truck . The noise attracted a neighbor boy , a quiet thin boy , smart , a worker . He pitched right in . We offered him work any time that he wanted it , and he was very excited at that opportunity . He looked around and found himself a project right away . Seems like an awfully good kid . So we were closing the house up , giving Justin his last minute instructions . Tim pulled down the garage door , and much to my horror , I saw a long furry tail emerge from the top of the garage door . I thought for sure the thing was pinched in there , badly injured , even dead , but then two rear legs popped down scrabbling wildly . Tim was staring questioningly at me as I stared beyond him at the garage . Wordlessly , I pointed . He turned , and laughed out loud . Carefully , he raised the garage door , and the cat leapt down , inside the garage . " Here , kitty , kitty ! " I called , and he shot out of the garage , past me , and down the driveway like his tail was on fire . I was driving to the Erie Cancer Center yesterday . The route took me past a house that I have been passing since I was a girl . This house is big , looks like a mansion you 'd see somewhere in England , with a big horseshoe driveway . I always used to dream about what the inside of that house looked like . I imagined walking in to a huge foyer . I imagined fireplaces and a library , and . . . well . . . just say that I could dream on a pretty grand scale even as a kid . As I passed the house , I remembered all my daydreaming about it , how I used to try to imagine myself in a house that grand . Suddenly , it occurred to me . I have a house that grand . It is not a big stone house , but it is a grand house , and it is being lovingly brought back to it 's former glory . It struck me once more , how very very lucky I am . It sounds like bragging a bit doesn 't it ? I don 't mean it to . I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure that I 'm not just daydreaming still . Ruts have a bad rep . When you hear people talking about being in a rut , it 's always seen as a bad thing . When life is difficult , I find that I appreciate my ruts . I am comforted by the knowledge that , in my rut , I know where I am headed , I know what to do , I know the people that plod at my side , I know what to expect . Real life , life outside the rut is not always like that . Sometimes you have no idea what will come next . You don 't know what to do . You 're surrounded by people you don 't understand ( and , sometimes , are not so sure you want to understand ) . You have no clue what to expect . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
My assigned letter is written and the envelope attached . I will turn it in . It will also have a small note paper clipped to the front of it that says , " You do not have my permission to mail this . " I will leave it at that . I will see what happens . If I am called into the office , I will explain , as briefly as possible , why it is a violation of my civil rights . I will explain , briefly , that I consider it to have the smackings of a conflict of interest for the college . I will offer to discuss it with higher ups . But I will not negotiate this one . If it affects my grade adversely , I will protest . I did the assignment . I did not let them mail the letter . If I want it mailed , I will do so myself , at the urging of my own conscience , which is , in my opinion , the only reason that people should be politically active . I have a number of reasons that I am taking this stand . Mostly though , I am doing it because of this : ( a snippet from a column ) " Cara is in Korea , at Daegu University . She was gathered up , along with all the other students and bused to an ' event ' . It turns out that this was a government / university backed propaganda event . Korea and Japan have disputed the ownership of Dokdo Island , which the Japanese refer to as Takeshima Island . The college president got up to speak , citing a long list of ' proof ' of Korean ownership . Then a Korean student dressed in a kimono which had been cut immodestly short , and tottered around the stage as students laughed . Japan was being portrayed as a prostitute . Some students gave speeches that they had been paid for . Patriotic tee - shirts were offered to all students . " Dokdo is Korea Land ! " The students were whipped into a frenzy of patriotism and that chant rang throughout the stadium , again and again . Cara sat in the midst of the international students watching all of this , and was horrified . The culture of Japan was mocked repeatedly during the 5 ½ hour event and at one point , it was suggested that Japan 's tsunami and earthquakes were divine retribution . " Dokdo is KorPosted by Sometimes , we are called to do things for our class that I don 't agree with . Nobody asks my opinion , and so I attempt to do what is required despite my own feelings . One of the things that sticks in my craw is that we have been called to go to our professional website and take legislative action on two controversies , as well as write a letter to one of our elected officials advocating for our profession . We must bring the letter in to be graded , along with an addressed envelope so that when they are finished with it , it can be sent off to the elected official . Now , I have some pretty strong political feelings , and one of them is that my politics are my own business . The idea of being graded on my opinion ( in effect ) rankled me . Lets be real here . If I sent in a letter that adopted a stance they felt was not helpful to the profession of Occupational Therapy , I would not get a good grade . To be sure , they are not merely checking the letter for spelling errors and to insure that I knew how to write a business letter . Having us compose the letter was bad enough , but sending the letter off , whether I want it sent off or not , irks me . But a grade is a grade . I dutifully went off to the website and I took action on two things via e - mail . I wrote my letter , which was easier that I expected , once I discovered that I did feel strongly about arbitrary caps to medicare outpatient treatment , and Lord knows , that is something that would affect the profession , but still , being forced to get politically involved because your teacher has assigned it . . . oi . . . it still rankles me to no end . So tell me : Is this one of those mountain out of a molehill things ? It 's been one of those days . You know what is really beginning to frighten me ? We are taking these exams that are supposed to prepare us for the state certification exam . I am consistently awful at these , ranging in the 60 - 70 percent range . It is a multiple choice set up where you have to find ' the most right ' answer . Today , an answer that I was sure I 'd figured out was not the most right answer . The more time that I spend on the test , the worse I do . The teacher tells me that I 'm over thinking . I listen to her reasoning , and honest to pete , I don 't see where I 'm making any more assumptions about the exam than she is . It 's just that we 're looking in two different directions . I 'm earnestly trying to follow her reasoning , because I want to do well , but I 'm not getting it . I walked out of there today and all I could think was : " What if , what if , I get all the way through this course and flunk the certification ? " I know that it is stupid to look that far ahead . Especially since I manage to scare the puckey - doo out of myself every single time that I do this . Oh , me of little faith . I am ashamed . Some folks can leap from their bed and greet the day with a smile . Me ? I sort of climb out of bed and stagger down the stairs . Coffee is important to me , and my first stop is always to start the coffee pot . ( Yes . The first stop . . . ) That first sip of coffee starts the process . I can feel tiny fingers of alertness uncurling inside of me . By the time that I finish my customary two cups , I am generally ready to amble off to get ready for the day . This morning was no different . Now I am awake . Things looked much brighter before I woke up . Stinking coffee . Oooh . I 've been studying hard , and it 's making me a little crazy . I always feel like there is just . so . much . more . I . need . to . know . * whimper * I went to bed later than I should have last night , got up at 3 for freight day at the store , ended up working until 3 PM which made me cross and tired . The freight team has always done freight and left . Today we were assigned cleaning one side of the store . Deep cleaning . Thorough cleaning . No one was happy about that . It 's not a lot of fun to be dirty and smelly and socially unacceptable , and still interacting with customers . I am afraid that I got kind of snotty about it . A 10 hour day is bad enough . A 10 hour day busting ass is horrid . I hadn 't brought lunch because we never work that late , and when we do , the store generally sends out for pizza . I drove home . I had a call that I had to make . I grabbed a sandwich and vented my spleen to Tim , and then headed back out the door and went back to work . I apologized to Ryan , the freight team leader . I can be ornery when provoked , and the whole thing was not his idea , to be sure . In any case , I came home hungry and tired , and put in several hours of studying , and still feel dumb . I was saved by little snippets of entertainment over at BB 's comment section , a words of wisdom from Kelly and a invitation to go to Pumpkin Town with my nephews and sister in law . Thanks everyone . You saved the day . But parts of it still sucked . Posted by I was headed out of Walmart yesterday . As I headed towards the sliding glass doors , an elderly man was headed in . He flashed a huge smile and with great flair , he raised his hands and flung them wide . The doors slid open , just as they usually do when a person approaches them , and with the grin of a satisfied magician , he dropped his hands and stepped through the door . I burst out laughing and said , " Man , that 's quite a magic trick there , by gosh ! " and he said , with mock modesty , " Yes . I know a lot of tricks like this . " I love that the world has characters like that . I made up my mind that I 'm going to be one . Posted by I can 't abide a gossip . Gossip is never harmless , even if the person repeating it thinks that it is . It 's embarrassing to be gossiped about . I remember once , after my hair fell out during chemo , a local beauty salon offered free wig cuts as a service to cancer patients . I was uncertain about the wig , and how to wear it , and so I took advantage of that offer . The beautician was very nice , don 't get me wrong , but as she was cutting my wig , the comb caught , tore the wig from my head . I sat there , exposed , as the other patrons of the salon stared at my bald head . It was mortifying . The beautician snatched my wig , and slapped it back on my head . I knew that she didn 't mean to , and I knew that she felt badly , so I accepted her apology immediately , and tried to reassure her . Much to my surprise , when I walked into church the following Sunday , an elderly lady who loves to talk , walked up to me and , laughingly told me that she 'd heard about the incident , talked how badly the beautician felt . My fellow congregant seemed to have no idea that the incident was embarrassing , and spoke of it openly and for everyone to hear , and moreover , when she did not get a response from me , went on about the story at length . I was upset at the beautician , and made up my mind to never go back there again . I was also upset that the person repeating the story would do it so blatantly , and in church at that . I took a deep breath . I have heard this woman gossip before , and about others , and thought it was not nice , but at that point , being the person with the interesting life , being the subject of gossip , I made up my mind that I would never gossip . It 's petty , it 's hurtful , and it is also discussed quite plainly in the Bible . We are not to do it . The church gossip met me on the steps this morning . She told me that she 'd worked with my mother , that they 'd shared a lot , how sorry she was , etc . She waited eagerly for me to speak . I thanked her for her condolences . This was not at all what she wanted to hear . She began to nose a little . You know , sDebby Today , after the funeral , after the graveside service , after meeting with the kids for dessert to celebrate ( belatedly ) Brianna 's 30th birthday , we came home . Dylan headed for Allentown in his Jeep , and Cara headed back to Clarion in her little Cavalier . The house was empty once again . We went to the new house with a load of things . There is a large walk in closet that I had plans for . I have always had a ' gift closet ' . When I see things that I think people would like , or when I see things on sale , I buy them , ( when I can ) and I put them away . You save a lot of time and money at holiday times . I stood there daydreaming in that closet ( it even has a window ~ ) , trying to imagine what Christmas would be like this year . It made me feel better on this sad day . A local building supply place was having a ' yard sale , ' and Tim had his eye on a door , so we headed off with some measurements . We couldn 't actually make any purchases there . The store was closed . So we headed off to another building supply place to buy some wood putty . They had some discontinued ceramic tile on sale , marked down from $ 6 . each ( yikes ) to 79 cents each , so we bought the rest of them . We thought the carved design would make a beautiful backsplash for the kitchen sink and the 22 tiles would be enough to take care of that job . We also found a dozen painted tiles that matched the kitchen curtains , and I 've an idea to put them together to make a couple trivets to use on the table for hot things . When they are not being used , they would look attractive displayed on the wall by the window . They were only 33 cents each , so they were an exciting find as well . We want to have large area rugs for the hardwood floors , and we stopped by to look at some . I found one , a sculpted white area rug that would look very nice with the wicker furniture at the base of the third floor stairway , and at $ 19 . for a six by nine , we figured that we could afford to make that purchase as well . It was a dreamy sort of evening , finding treasures for the house and daydreaming aboutPosted by Kind of an astounding day today , and I am not sure what to make of it . There 's been a lot going on , a lot of things that you all don 't know of , lots of things that I 've been pondering in my own heart . Today , many things were set to rest in that heart of mine , and I don 't know how to explain that right now , not without sounding like a complete lunatic . It is enough to say that driving today , my heart was set to rest , and I feel as if I can step out in confidence to deal with the events of the next few days , and I thank God for that one . My kids will be home tomorrow night for their grandmother 's funeral on Saturday . Dylan gets in at four , no word yet from Cara . Brianna and Buddy are moving into their own place this weekend , so that is a good thing , although it makes things a bit more hectic . I 'm looking forward to having my kids home . It gives us a chance to celebrate Brianna 's 30th birthday , which was actually September 18th , but we thought it would be more special to celebrate it when everyone was home . Marking the end of a life , celebrating a life unfolding . It 's all kind of jarring in a way , but it 's also the way of life , I guess . My mother 's 9th great grandchild was born the day after her death . ' Life 's a dance you learn as you go . ' We 're dancing along with things as best we can . I suppose that the big news is that I drove to Erie for the results of my PET scan . No cancer . They also said it is about this time when they begin to cautiously use the word ' cure ' . They did comment that I need to seek followup because I have , of all things , an aortic aneurism . It shocked me to hear that , because my mother had one for years . Since hers never grew or changed , I guess that I was pretty calm about that news . It was more like ' Huh . Now that 's ironic . ' I 'm not worried about that in the least . I am very glad for the cancer free diagnosis . I walked out of there in shock , I imagine . I called Tim to let him know , because I knew he was anxious to know , and I called my sister and left the news on her answering machine . I began thePosted by My mother 's funeral is Saturday , at noon . Her ashes will be buried with my father 's ashes . Then it will be done . This evening , I wrote my column for her , and I submitted it . Now I sit in my quiet dark house . I should be doing homework , but instead , I am listening to the distant thunder and thinking on things even more distant than that . The rain is coming , and it seems only right that it should . Not much to report here . I 've got three projects and a test this week , so I 've been very busy . I 've got one project ready to be handed in , another project will be done today , and the third project ( and a test ) on Friday . I was working in a group on manual muscle testing . We have a practical the first week of October , and these practicals are big deals . Now , I 'd just made the astounding discovery that I still had one week between now and the practical . That was stunning to me , and mentally , I did a little happy dance , because I 've been studying like crazy for this exam , because I thought that it was next week . Anyways , later that day , Vanessa asked a worried question about the practical , and I responded in a pretty laid back way . Something to the effect of , " Every single class has gone through these practicals and survived to graduate . We 're not stupider than any class before us . It 'll be fine . " She looked at me , surprised . " What happened to you ? " she asked . I looked back at her . " What ? " Vanessa has no ' filter ' . Have you met people like that ? She once said to another class mate , " You know , you 're kind of smart , " to which the classmate smiled hugely and started to say " Hey , thanks . . . " before it turned into " Hey . . . wait a minute . . . " So , I said , " What , " and I waited a little nervously , because Lord knows what the girl was about to pop out with . She looked at me and said , " You 're so calm . Last year , you always had your panties in a bunch about something . " All four of us fell across the table laughing . It 's true I suppose . Last year , I had classes every single day , and two of the classes were truly labor intensive classes , and I had to work , and juggle home stuff , and it was awful because I never felt like I had enough time to do my homework , and I was always just feeling sick about something . This year , I attend school Monday , Wednesday , and Friday . That 's it . The days in between , I can work on school stuff . I am a lot more relaxed . It feels nice actually . Yesterday morning at work , we pulled a half ton of wood pellets inside . People sometimes just want a bag or two , so we keep some of them up front , along side the woodstoves , but we have tons of pellets stored outside , wrapped in plastic . Anyhow , I cut away the plastic from the pallet of pellets ( say that ten times fast why doncha ? ) and we began tossing bags of pellets . Much to my dismay , between the bags was a preying mantis that had been damaged . That made me feel badly . We set him off to the side . We finished the job , and were surprised to find a toad had hidden away between those bags as well , and was hopping around the aisle . I laughed , and I picked him up and carried him outside . I felt so bad about the mantis that I carried the toad to the end of the parking lot and set him down by the tall grass . I just would have felt terrible to set him down in front of the store and find him smooshed flat on the pavement later . ( Natch , he showed his gratitude by peeing on my hand twice . ) I came back into the store , and continued to clean up the debris from our pallet of pellets . I was gratified to see that preying mantis sitting up as a preying mantis does , looking restored . He was carried out the back door and put in the tall grass there . Life is made memorable by the small moments , the tiny details . At least it seems that way to me . It was a busy night last night . Tim started talking to the new neighbor over the fence , and he was quite a genial guy , full of information about the history of our house , and the people who lived there before . By the time that I dragged those stone urns to the garden shed and returned , Tim was over in their yard calling me . They pulled the fence back and I stepped over . The man worked for a time for the Historical Society , and his mother and wife and I talked in the rapidly fading evening light . They now run a small ' playhouse ' , where bands and small stage productions book performances , so that was interesting . They had a little fire going . Tim took him over to our house and showed him where there was a ready supply of small firewood they could help themselves to . It was nice to chat in the cool evening , and we made plans to do it all again , as soon as we get moved in . When we told them we were hoping to be moved in by the end of October , they were pleased . It will be nice having neighbors , neighborly neighbors , the sort of neighbors that become part of your life . On an entirely different note , a woman who 'd often come to sit with my mother walked up to Tim in the store yesterday and began to talk . Much to his shock , she wanted to know if the will had been read . She was curious . She knew there was an insurance policy , she began . Tim said , " I don 't know anything about that , " and told me about it later , a bit amazed . I was more than a bit amazed . I was gobsmacked . Okay . We 're finishing the floors and the second floor is done . Tim has done a beautiful job . They just glow . He 'd gone to a local home improvement store , and found an oil based semigloss finish that looked to be the same as we 'd begun with , except that this was on clearance , marked down from its normal $ 40 a gallon to $ 30 . Tim bought a gallon to see if it worked as well as the higher priced stuff we 'd bought . Lo . It did . He called me and told me to go buy three more gallons . I did . He went back today , and he bought the remaining 3 gallons . We marvelled over that . It seems like when we need something , we find it on clearance or on sale . It 's kind of neat how it happens , and we 're always grateful when this happens , because it really seems to happen a lot . Today , I was working at the store . We 've had some stone urns out front that I have coveted for such a very long time . These are heavy suckers , that I can barely carry , probably 18 " high , ornate . They 'd been reduced from $ 60 to $ 35 , and then down to $ 20 . I did so want them , but I didn 't feel like I could justify spending that kind of money . Things are tight around here after paying for my semester of schooling out of my own pocket . When I went out to bring carts in , a man and a woman were eyeing the stone birdbath . I watched a little enviously , wondering what it would feel like to just spend $ 20 without thinking about it . Imagine my shock to hear the manager ringing them up on the next register , and saying , " I don 't know how we missed this ; these are now $ 9 . 99 . " I said , " What ? ! ! ! Are you kidding me ? ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! " I whipped my debit card out of my pocket , and said , " I am so not joking . I want two of those urns . " I got two of those massive urns for $ 19 . 98 , plus tax . Yes . I know . I spent $ 20 without thinking . I spent the rest of the day feeling guilty about it . Tim was not mad . He was tickled pink . They 're really gorgeous . He stopped by the store to say , " Hey , they 've got a sconce on clearance at Lowe 's . I think it would match . I don 't know . " So after work , we charged over tPosted by The polished and finished floors are beautiful . Just gorgeous . And we ordered the counter top for the kitchen . And the carpet cleaners are coming on Thursday . We will begin moving things in , room by room . I cannot believe this is happening . I 'm all kinds of way excited . We hope to be moved in by the end of October . How this will happen between school and everything else ? I think it will take a miracle , but then I think that this whole episode has been one miracle after another . I remember to be grateful . It 's been a jumbled up week . I 'm trying to catch up from the things that I missed Monday , when I was not in class . We cover so much , and so quickly , that it 's easy to get behind . Today , I was supposed to submit my personal and professional goals . My teachers had given me a list of strengths as well as areas that I need to work on . My strengths were listed first : " Compassionate , hard working , reflective , dedicated , driven , very self aware ( some times to a fault though ) , great with patients ! " My weaknesses were also laid out : I 'm not good at conflict resolution , much preferring to back out of the conflict . ( I suppose that is from years of conflict with NO resolution . ) Another weakness was my ability to work with difficult people . ( I back away from them to avoid the conflicts that I don 't know how to resolve , I suppose . ) It was also suggested that I begin to work on my self esteem issues . I was headed to the library , deep in thought . It is one thing to know your faults , another thing altogether to figure out how to fix these things . I walked past an Asian woman and smiled in a distracted sort of way . Suddenly , she called my name . I turned , confused . " You are Debby ______ ? " she asked . She remembered me from a tour while I was at the Conservation District . She worked with Tim for a short while at a factory . She introduced herself to me , and then said the most amazing thing . In her heavily accented English , she said , " I am here to learn to write better English . I love your articles . I want to learn to write like you do . " Heck . That meeting was darned good for my self esteem . Late Edit : You know what else is good for my self esteem ? Just sitting down with my books . I worked on muscles for several hours tonight , memorizing and making notes , downloading diagrams . I don 't feel nearly as hopeless as I did for most of the week . There is a fellow who comes into the store sometimes . I do not like him . He always says , in a sotto voice , that he is friends w / the manager , and says that they have a deal . Now there are some customers who do get a deal , but they are the ones who buy feed by the pallet , or something like that . This fellow does not come in frequently . I believe that he runs the scam all over town . When he gets a lower price on the dog food at our store , he flashes that receipt all over town to get other stores to match the price . Then after a few months , when other stores refuse to match the price on the months old receipt , he comes back to us , and tells the cashier that he is a friend of the manager 's , and starts the cycle all over . The first couple times that he came in , I gave him the special deal that he claimed he got , although I did not think that he should have gotten it . The manager wasn 't there to ask . It always made me feel dishonest because it is not our policy . It made me nervous , but then I never remembered to ask the manager about it , because this fellow is such an infrequent customer . The last time , though , the assistant manager was in , so I talked him and he told me that I should ask the boss how he wanted it handled , and so I did . The manager was shocked , knew nothing about this , did not know the guy , told me not to honor the price . Anyways , I haven 't seen that customer for some time , but lo , tonight he came up to the register . He said , in a very business - like voice , " I 'm sure you remember me . Your boss and I have a deal . " I looked at him , and explained our policy very clearly . He looked at me . He was surprised . He said , " Your boss told me . . . " and I said , " I 'm sorry but that is incorrect , and this directive is from my boss . " We stared at each other , and I have to say as I stood there sticking to my guns , it felt good to do so . He finally said , " Well , then I 'm only buying one bag of dog food . " I said , pleasantly , that I 'd be glad to put the other bag back . That cat was around a couple days ago * hangs head * No , Bill . I did not have a camera on me , but she sashayed up to Tim and wound around his legs a couple times and then came over to me to be held and petted . I set her gently back on the ground , and she walked into the open door of the house . I followed her . She sat waiting for me patiently at the top of the stairs . I climbed to the second floor and she went straight to the door of the third floor and began to try to nose it open . I opened it for her and she shot directly up the carpeted stairs and turned left . I went away , thinking to myself that she 'd been in the house before . She knows the place . I wondered about her story , if she 'd been abandoned by the previous owners . I went back outside and visited with Dave and Anna and Tim . When it came time to close up and leave , lo , I could not find the cat . Anna helped me look . No sign of it , not anywhere . Tim laughed from outside . That cat had climbed out the window , on to the roof of the second floor porch , and then went to the side and leaped up on the third story roof , and was sauntering around having a cat 's eye view of the world . She came when she was called , climbed back in the window , and came down stairs to sprawl lazily at Dave 's feet for some more petting . She really does act like she belongs , the furred royalty of that fine house . In the midst of everything that has been going on , Tim 's Uncle Chuck died suddenly , just a scant three weeks after his wife Ruby died . The funeral was yesterday . Tim 's parents met him at the new house , and they rode together to the funeral , which was a 1 1 / 2 hour drive . Before they left , the cat checked up on things . When Tim 's father saw the cat , he was quite taken with it . ( It is a pretty creature . ) He wanted to take it home . It was Tim that told him no , that he couldn 't have it . He told me about it that evening . " My father sure liked your cat , " Tim said . My cat . I like the sounds of that . . . P . S . The cat 's name is Booker C . I 've long had a vision of sprawling on the couch in the libraPosted by Did you ever get to a place where you just feel as if no explanations are necessary ? Where you can sit quietly amidst the swirling complaints and negatives , and it simply doesn 't matter . You feel no need to speak up , to explain yourself , to correct the narrative as it is recounted by others ? I 'm there . The people that love you will give you the benefit of the doubt . The ones that don 't , won 't . In the end , the people that love you are the people that matter . I sit here in the quiet of my own house , and I savor that quiet . I have no desire to let chaos in , and so the door stays shut from it . I am grateful for this place . Mostly , I am grateful for the quiet knocks , for the people that say in a whisper , " Are you okay ? Do you want to want to talk ? " and I do , so I let them in , and we speak quietly and calmly , and without accusations and pointing fingers . On the morning of September 11th , my mother passed away . It 's sad . Anna had sent me an e - mail saying , " mom is about the same , maybe tireder . . . " so it was a shock to walk in to her room and find her gurgling and unresponsive . That night , when Tim and I got up to leave the room , there was a whir from her dresser . She had a music box , something that my father had bought her for Christmas many years ago , when I was still in high school . He 'd given it to me , along with some other things to wrap . I remember being tickled that he would have bought something so sentimental for her . I heard that whir , and I turned to it , and that music box played just the first line : ' . . . let me call you sweetheart . . . ' and then it just stopped . Just like that . My mom died a few hours later . Coincidence ? Maybe . I don 't know . I 'm not a great believer in stuff like that . I do know that it was a comfort to hear what she could not say , and I am glad for it . I grieve . I grieve for the loss of my mother , and I grieve for what was and what is no more . There 's that . There 's relief too . It was a stressful time . She did not seem to suffer , and I am glad for that . I can 't feel more than that right now . I 'll ponder it in my mind and pray on it . I 'll talk with the people that know me best . The sharp discomfort of grief will give way to something softer and more comforting . I spent this morning on my knees , working on the kitchen floor . Tim had ripped up horrible linoleum , and discovered that beneath the linoleum was a layer of felt that had been glued to the hardwood floor . I 'd been trying to scrape it up , but the felt just separated into layers , and I was removing a layer only to find another layer of felt beneath that , and then beneath that yet more felt . The kitchen is good sized , and it began to seem that this was the never ending job . We tried a heat gun suggested by the folks at the wallpaper store , but that did not work . In desperation , we poured water on the floor . Lots of it . Ironic , since when we 've been trying to dry out the house since we moved in . The burst radiators had introduced a whole lot of humidity into the house , and we 've had dehumidifiers running since we took possession of it . In any case , Tim poured the hot water on the floor , soaking the felt , and I crawled around on my hands and knees scraping . That worked well , and within a couple hours , we could see that the floor in the kitchen was salvageable . ( We were afraid we might have to put down more linoleum or perhaps a laminate . ) I crawled around on the floor scraping and daydreaming about what the world was like the last time that wood floor had seen the light of day . I wondered about the people that lived in it then . I spend a lot of time daydreaming about what was , but I know that time does not run backward . Those people lived in their time , and they are here no longer . I am living in my time , and the day will come when I am here no longer . Somebody I do not know prepared meals for her family . She is gone now , and although I am surrounded by what was familiar to her , it tells me nothing about her . When I am gone , there will be someone else who follows me into that kitchen , and she will prepare meals in the place that is familiar to me , but tells her nothing about me , and who I am . I think about that . When we are young , we have big dreams of making a mark in this world , but the truth is , most of us won 't . Most oPosted by Kelly did a post over at her blog about favorite five feel good songs . To my way of thinking , a feel good song is one of those songs that you cannot hear on the radio without singing along . I grew up in the sixties and early seventies , so my ' feel good ' music is from that time frame . Understand also that you can 't get too hung up on the lyrics of it . It 's the beat man . I tried to download the videos , but could not , but click on , peoples , click on . . . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? NR = 1 & v = iMD5J96Qv4g & feature = fvwpOkay . ' Fess up . Could you watch this without your lips moving ? http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = DPTiBGlz2eUGo to town every Saturday , church every sunday , awwwwww Nutbush ! Nutbush City limits . . . . . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = KqZ95a249p0Old black water , keep on rolling , Mississippi moon won 't you keep on shining on me ? http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = np0solnL1XYIf I died tomorrow , would you still remember me ? I 'm as free as a bird now , and this bird you cannot chaaaaaaaaaaaange . . . . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = 2omuoO _ hIbQ & feature = relatedIs this a real life , or is it fantasy ? Caught in a landslide , no escape from reality . . . These songs bring back memories of other places and other people and other times . And they always make me sing . But putting together this post I also came up with http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = iQDaUjI1y3Q & feature = related She packed up her bags and she took off down the road , she left me here stranded with the bills she owed , she took my address and my name , ain 't it a doggone shame , sunspot baby : I 'm going to catch up with you some time . And what about ' they do respect her but , they sure love to watch her strut ' http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = 6qbeIwn5jR8 & feature = related . Today 's music ain 't got the same soul , I like that old time rock and roll http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = U4lglk29Tp0 & feature = relatedYeah , Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet put out a lot of stuff that is very singable even if you 're in your fifties , driving a Buick down the road . I admit it , I just can 't stop at five . There 's a lot oPosted by Well . You know how sometimes you blurt stuff and then later ( and only later ) realize that it could be misconstrued . I did that . ' Round here , I call them ' fox paws ' . I did a fox paw today . I 'm at the grocery store picking up a few items . Dylan is coming home to see his grandmother , and it 's almost his birthday so we 'll celebrate his birthday while he 's here . We haven 't had a chance to do that for probably four years now , so it is a big deal in my own heart . I made Boston Cream Pie ( his favorite ) and the steaks are marinating , with a nice tossed salad to go with it . But then , Dave had roma tomatoes from his garden at church , and I thought that a nice bruschetta would go well with everything , but of course , then I had to stop to pick up black olives and bread to go with , so that meant a stop at the grocery store on the way home from church . A woman smiled at me in a friendly way , and I smiled back . I noticed that she was watching me closely . Being self conscious , I begin to wonder about proverbial spinach on my teeth . Or worse yet , did I know her , and not recognize her ? Gosh that happens to me all the time . I wondered and I worried . Walking out of the store with my few items , talking with Tim , I saw the woman again . She said , " I 'm sorry . I love your articles . I feel like I know you . " Dear reader : if you are reading this , I did not mean it the way it sounded . Please comment and let me know that you were not offended . I should stick to writing . At least I can backspace and correct my mistakes . Well , Bill , we saw that cat . We worked at the house today . I painted the kitchen . ( Tim changed his mind on the color . And then he changed his mind on the finish , and finally , he changed his mind on the color one last time ) . I painted the kitchen for the final time . Tim was in the back yard moving a shed with his truck . The noise attracted a neighbor boy , a quiet thin boy , smart , a worker . He pitched right in . We offered him work any time that he wanted it , and he was very excited at that opportunity . He looked around and found himself a project right away . Seems like an awfully good kid . So we were closing the house up , giving Justin his last minute instructions . Tim pulled down the garage door , and much to my horror , I saw a long furry tail emerge from the top of the garage door . I thought for sure the thing was pinched in there , badly injured , even dead , but then two rear legs popped down scrabbling wildly . Tim was staring questioningly at me as I stared beyond him at the garage . Wordlessly , I pointed . He turned , and laughed out loud . Carefully , he raised the garage door , and the cat leapt down , inside the garage . " Here , kitty , kitty ! " I called , and he shot out of the garage , past me , and down the driveway like his tail was on fire . I was driving to the Erie Cancer Center yesterday . The route took me past a house that I have been passing since I was a girl . This house is big , looks like a mansion you 'd see somewhere in England , with a big horseshoe driveway . I always used to dream about what the inside of that house looked like . I imagined walking in to a huge foyer . I imagined fireplaces and a library , and . . . well . . . just say that I could dream on a pretty grand scale even as a kid . As I passed the house , I remembered all my daydreaming about it , how I used to try to imagine myself in a house that grand . Suddenly , it occurred to me . I have a house that grand . It is not a big stone house , but it is a grand house , and it is being lovingly brought back to it 's former glory . It struck me once more , how very very lucky I am . It sounds like bragging a bit doesn 't it ? I don 't mean it to . I sometimes have to pinch myself to make sure that I 'm not just daydreaming still . Ruts have a bad rep . When you hear people talking about being in a rut , it 's always seen as a bad thing . When life is difficult , I find that I appreciate my ruts . I am comforted by the knowledge that , in my rut , I know where I am headed , I know what to do , I know the people that plod at my side , I know what to expect . Real life , life outside the rut is not always like that . Sometimes you have no idea what will come next . You don 't know what to do . You 're surrounded by people you don 't understand ( and , sometimes , are not so sure you want to understand ) . You have no clue what to expect . I 'm the wife of a good man , the mother of good kids , the grandmother of sweet William . I am a student . A small time writer for the local paper . I am funny . I am serious . I am practical . Hardworking . I make great bread . I 'm loyal . |
Prelude : Tales of a Librarian , In D Minor Posted on April 9 , 2015 by hiddendragonn Few people actually know that a city has many gods . The bigger the city is , the more crowded it is with divinities . Major and minor gods , spirits , pixies , fairies , demons and their devoted acolytes dwell in the streets , unknown to most of the inhabitants . Since she moved to this city , Elisabeth had discovered some of them , including the secretive god of commercial ads . If you worship him , he reveals hints hidden in ads . The all - powerful god of public transportation is a major god everyone knows they have to worship if they want to get anywhere . Then , there 's the fickle god of fast food , the dangerous fairies living in public parks , mercurial pixies inhabiting traffic lights … yes , it was a big and crowded city . The advantage , of course , of being aware of the whole divine crowd is the possibility to call for help in time of need . Alone in the cold , dark and wet room they had put her into , Elisabeth was trying to focus , despite everything , and to think about something or someone that could help her escape . In her place , a soldier , cop or maybe some sort of criminal could come up with something since they would have been trained or otherwise familiar with these situations . But Elisabeth , as a hapless librarian , wasn 't at all used to getting kidnapped and interrogated , much less beaten , by men three times her size . Some people have impressive strength or lock - picking skills but Elisabeth had perfect pitch , which wasn 't much help in her current situation . After all , it was not a good time to ponder music . She had to make up some sort of answer for the man because he would eventually come back . Well , she was thinking about it , indeed . Thinking about how things turned out this way . It all began only … " What do you mean there 's someone in your apartment ? Are you living with a guy or something ? " her father gasped . " Who the hell is he ? What does he do ? " " Well , come on , dear . How can you say there 's someone in your home if you haven 't even seen them ? You live in a fifty square - meter flat , " said her mother , trying to sound reasonable . Then , with a glance at her father , she added , " You are worrying us ! " As he didn 't say anything , she went on . " Next time you come , stay a bit longer will you ? You need to rest . You 're just exhausted , aren 't you ? " Elisabeth didn 't reply , since these came across as just platitudes , not real questions . Instead , she went on charging her car with the useless cooking supplies her mother had given her . Her father had lowered his voice but still she could hear him say , " If there 's some damn guy , I want to know about him ! " On her way back home , after finally getting her car going , she wondered why she had ever told them about it . Every time she talked with them about something that bothered her , she regretted it . It was sad how deeply convinced they were that she was out of her mind . They didn 't even make an effort to understand . But she wasn 't talking nonsense ! She knew she wasn 't alone in her apartment . Since when , she couldn 't tell , but there was someone , or something living there with her . Something dark and stealthy … It hid in awful places and watched her constantly . It crept through the rooms at night , or when she wasn 't around . On her way back to her apartment , she stumbled upon the landlord , who also lived in the same building . Since he owned pretty much all the apartments , he could take his pick . " Yes , I know exactly what you mean , " he said , before she could finish her sentence . " You 're not the first one in the building to complain about it . " " Mice , of course " said the landlord , looking at her with his " what did you think ? " look that Elisabeth just hated . " But don 't worry , young lady . I 'm taking care of it . Next week people will come to perform a rodenticide … rodent … rotenticidization , yeah , well , they 'll exterminate all of them ! " Elisabeth sighed . She thanked him and wished him a good day . But she knew there wasn 't a single mouse in her house . It was something else . And the minute she came home she saw it . It was there , on the couch : a large snake . Curled up in multiple circles , she couldn 't tell how long it was . It was dark brown with yellow zigzag shapes on its back . It had a small triangular head , very much like a viper . It was staring at her with its green eyes . " I am Simbi Anpaka , the god of sorcerers . A month ago , I was stolen from my homeland , Africa , and brought here . Then , I escaped and hid myself right here . " That 's how the two started living together . But they had to set some ground rules : crawling inside the cupboards was absolutely forbidden , as was using bleach for cleaning . Smoking was OK since the smell remained up near the ceiling . Elisabeth regretted not saying anything about sleeping on the bed , however . As all reptiles do , the snake liked body heat , but after two nights she got used to it . And , on the third night , she had a visit from her great grandmother . It was a nightmare about some bridge under the rain , and a policeman who woke her up . She heard a familiar voice coming from the living room : " Oh my , oh my … What a mess , " the voice murmured . " This girl will never learn . Two ashtrays on the table , both filled to the brim . I 'm sure if there was a third one it would be full as well ! " The old woman put the ashtrays back on the table and smiled . " Yes , my little girl , long time no see , eh ? You haven 't learned yet how to be tidy but I see you still put a small cup of milk outside the window for the pixies , just like I told you . At least I was able to teach you some of the important things . " Elisabeth glanced quickly at the bed through the open bedroom door . The snake was still sleeping so she turned back to her great grandmother . The old woman hadn 't changed one bit since the last time she saw her , which was normal , since she was long dead . She wore the same clothes , those that she was buried in , Elisabeth supposed , and her long white hair was tied up in a bun . The old woman sat down on the couch and kept silent for awhile ; her face had a bitter expression . Then , she started talking . Elisabeth had already anticipated that , thinking that if the snake had escaped from someone , they would definitely be looking for him . So , soon there would be people , probably dangerous ones , searching for the snake . Godnappers , at the very least . " So , what do you recommend ? " she asked . " Good , that 's my girl . The snake should be returned to his homeland and there 's someone I know who can get it done . I will contact him and we 'll come up with a plan . Then , I 'll tell you what to do . " " You wait , my darling , and you be careful , " said her great grandmother . After these words , she got up and smiled . " Good night , my child . Sleep well . " Then she left as silently as she had come . " She 's my great grandmother . I never saw her alive ; she was dead before I was born . I only saw photos of her . Her name was also Elisabeth and they named me after her , though I always called her grand grand . I was told we had the same hands . I don 't know if you noticed , but I 'm not sure if it is true . They also said that she was crazy and , when I 'm not around , I 'm pretty sure they say the same thing about me . " " Not as often as I would like . But every time she does , she tells me something of great importance ; she often teaches me about the city 's gods and other magical creatures . Anyway , I don 't know how she comes to visit me or how she knows about such things . " " That should explain why people thought she was crazy , " continued the snake . " Anyhow , I do very much appreciate her help . I hope we will hear from her soon . " The next day started out as a tough one for Elisabeth . Early in the morning , she realized that her great grandmother had confiscated her cigarettes before she left . So , she had to make a detour before work to buy more . Because she was late getting to the library , she had to make up the lost time by taking a shorter lunch break . That meant less time for lunch and , above all , less time for music . In every city , there is a demon of secrets . His major occupation is to stalk every soul that is hiding something and make them forget some important details so that their secret gets revealed . His most loyal acolyte , Andy , was sent to search the young librarian 's apartment for her secret . Before going upstairs , he took a slip of paper from his pocket and double checked the address his master had given him . Yes , this was the place . As he approached Elisabeth 's door , he could hear music coming from inside the house . " No , this key … I like how it vibrates . What is it called ? " As he asked , he started crawling onto the key . Since Elisabeth 's foot was still on the sustain pedal , it produced a constant tone . There were several minutes of uncomfortable silence . Andy didn 't know what to say . He wasn 't expecting this . The woman in front of him was a slender creature with dark hair and blue eyes . She was uncommonly beautiful , the kind of woman that unnerved most men . Except for what was on TV or the big screen , Andy had never seen anyone like her . He wanted to touch her and maybe hurt her , or prevent someone from hurting her … and then hurt her . That 's when Andy remembered his purpose . " It 's for the rodents , " he said , showing her his toolkit that was supposed to contain poison for the mice the landlord was sure had infested the building . ( Except , of course , the apartment actually didn 't have any mice , since the snake gobbled up every single one that showed up . ) After searching through every detail and forgotten hint and collecting sufficient proof of the snake 's presence in the apartment , Andy gathered up his tools and started staring at the woman as she played her piano . He observed the way her hands moved over the keys and wondered how it would feel to be touched by them . He stared at her neck , wanting to grab it with both hands . That 's when Elisabeth looked behind her to see if the rat killer guy had finished his work . She couldn 't help but be rattled when she noticed that he was standing right next to her , staring at her like a psychopath . She quickly stood up . " You don 't have any mice in the house , M ' am , " said Andy in a calm voice . He loved the fearful look in her blue eyes but had to control himself ; those were his orders . He walked towards the door saying , " The whole building is being treated so you shouldn 't worry . You won 't have mice in the future , either . " Just before he left he looked back at her and added , " See you soon , " with an amused voice and a scary smile . " At least that 's what I felt . I 'm afraid they are looking for me . And my best guess is that they figured out I was here . We should do something . We should seek help . " " The dead are powerful , but not omnipotent , " said the snake . His voice sounded somehow sad . He didn 't like to say things like that about the ghost of a late sorceress . This woman was none other than Lilith . Her long white hair and ice blue eyes betrayed her inhuman nature . She would stand out in any crowd and would be noticed anywhere she went . But Elisabeth was in a hurry as she rushed to her car , so coincidentally , she hadn 't noticed Lilith . Actually , this was quite logical given that Lilith was a spirit working for the god of coincidences ; the odds were always on her side . On her way to the library , benevolent pixies helped Elisabeth by turning the traffic lights green so she was not late for work after all . She even had time for a cup of coffee and a cigarette . While smoking , she noticed that the ad at the bus stop in front of the library had changed . Before , it was an ad for perfume featuring a famous actress . Now , it was a Guinness ad and they had strangely chosen " Don 't trust the white " as a new slogan . The beer was black so it made sense but Elisabeth didn 't like either Guinness or the new slogan . She liked the actress better . Lilith , on the other hand , got to the library much later . As she went in , the few patrons turned to look at her . Young people these days , some of them thought . They 'll do anything to look different . Others wondered if she was an albino or something , you know , like the lab rats . Elisabeth checked on the computer and took Lilith to a series of shelves , where they found two African mythology books as well as many other books of African tales . Lilith grabbed one of the two mythology books and quickly scanned the index . " Oh , they don 't mention Simbi Anpaka here , " she said . She looked straight in Elisabeth 's eyes and added , " Do you know where can I find that one ? " Sensing that something was terribly wrong , Elisabeth took a step back . In order to gain some time , she asked , " What do you want ? " even though Lilith had just made it perfectly clear . That section of the library was strangely empty of visitors . Seemingly , nobody wanted to read a book about African stuff at that precise moment . What were the odds ? " Don 't try to play smart , Lily . It 's just a matter of time before the demons get to him , " Lilith said , with her smile unchanged . " The thing is , the way he hides in your house , it 's very hard for us to grab him . But you , on the other hand , can easily bring him to us . We want to protect him , I promise . " " Well , because I 'm telling you that I 'm not ! I am a spirit , working for a major god in this city . They call me the white spirit . Look , how long do you think you can keep this up , anyway ? Things will get more and more complicated for you . I understand that you want to protect the snake or , I don 't know , maybe you even like him . That 's exactly why you should hand this business over to people who are much better qualified to handle it . " Elisabeth looked around her , considering her options . That 's when she remembered the Guinness ad ; " Don 't trust the white . " What if this was the god of commercial ads warning her ? She hoped her great grandmother wouldn 't take long to contact her . Things were getting really creepy . She needed to buy some time . When Elisabeth passed by , one of her colleagues asked where in the heck she had been . They had just found a major bug in the computer system and they all had to work together to figure out how to fix it . Yes , it happened at exactly the same time that she was stuck back there with the white spirit . What a coincidence ! Elisabeth helped her colleagues fix the so - called problem for awhile and then noticed , with great relief , that the spirit was gone . " She must be persuaded that you will eventually make up your mind and hand me over to them , " the snake explained . " Now , you put in the rosemary , but don 't forget to mix the whole thing first . Yes , that 's it ! You 're a natural born charm cooker . " Elisabeth knew that she had to do it , but she liked to complain anyway . " Do you even know what they want from you ? Not only demons , but some gods are after you , too . " " I have an idea , " said the snake . " Every so often , a new demon needs to be created and there 's a ritual that is used . It involves the sacrifice of a god . Since there is a truce between demons and gods in this city , demons cannot kill gods , nor can gods slaughter demons . That 's why they prefer to bring in minor or nearly forgotten foreign gods , so that they cannot fight back . " " Well , it 's a simple matter of competition . Some of them don 't like new folks coming in so they just want to get rid of me and some of them just don 't care . As if I could find a place in a modern city . " As he finished his sentence , Elisabeth thought the snake might cry . Then she remembered that snakes don 't do that and she was a bit relieved . She came closer to him and caressed his head as if he was a cat or a dog . The snake didn 't say anything . He left the kitchen and crawled to the living room and climbed up onto the piano . Well that 's a good idea , Elisabeth thought . She woke up with a terrible headache , in a place that looked very much like a warehouse . The windows were close to the very high ceiling and moonlight was pouring inside , giving just enough light to create the shadows of her two captors . She became aware that she was tied up , sitting on a metal chair , maybe one of the most uncomfortable on earth . " Does your head hurt ? " asked one of the men . She recognized his voice as the rat killer guy . As he brought his face near hers , a little too close , she knew that it actually was him . " I know that your head hurts ' cause you frown and make your eyes smaller like this , " he imitated . Then he turned to the other man . " They say people with blue eyes are prone to migraines , since they 're more sensitive to light . " Andy laughed and switched on the light bulb hanging down just above the chair . It shone a ray of naked white light around the warehouse and made Elisabeth realize just how much her head actually hurt . The light also allowed her to look at the other man 's face , an action which she deeply regretted . He was an acolyte of the demon of city fires and , like all its acolytes , his face was covered with terrible burn scars . She shivered at the thought of it . " Tell us . How did you get the snake ? How could you keep him in your house ? " asked the man with the scars . As soon as he finished his question , Andy hit her hard on the left side of her face , so she couldn 't answer . She could only scream in pain . " Why the hell did you hit her ? You should hit her only if she doesn 't answer . She didn 't even have time to say a word ! " " Well , now she knows she really should answer , right ? " Andy retorted . The truth was , from the time he had first seen her , he had wanted to do that , to hit her . He was so excited that he could barely control himself . He once again brought his face near hers , this time his lips were actually touching her ear . Elisabeth felt a wave of hatred wash over her . His blow had opened the side of Elisabeth 's lower lip and the blood flowed slowly down her chin , onto her neck . Andy couldn 't take his eyes off that sight . " I liked the way you screamed . I liked it very much , " he sighed . " I 'd love to know how high your voice can go . " Elisabeth had a mezzo - soprano voice and , thanks to its uncommonly beautiful coloratura , she could extend it up to five octaves . She could , if she warmed up correctly , go up to E - very impressive since the highest note a soprano could hit was G . But she didn 't answer Andy 's latest question . She was being interrogated for the first time in her life , and at that , by two demon acolytes , one of which was the good acolyte and the other the bad acolyte . No wonder this strategy worked with cops . That 's why she replied to the first question instead . " Normal people can 't just take gods into their houses , you know ? Even a nearly forgotten one … So who are you ? Who do you work for ? " " I 'll give you time to think about it . As you know , if you work for a god or something we cannot kill you because of the truce . That 's why it 's in your best interest to tell us the truth . Who are you and who do you work for ? " Andy untied her and dragged her into another room inside the warehouse , even more rank and uncomfortable than the first . As he was locking the door , the man with the scars said , " Think about it . I 'll be back to ask you the same question . " " Sorry about that but it wasn 't easy . There 's a plane leaving tonight that will take the snake back to his homeland . One of my contacts will drive the snake to the airport and then to wherever he came from . The driver 's waiting for you outside , across the street . " The great grandmother stroked her little child 's hair . " Don 't worry about that , my child . I will help you . " then she left the room . In a little while , Elisabeth heard distant screams . She recognized the tortured voices of the two acolytes , then the sound of a key turning in the lock . The door opened and her great grandmother was there again . " Well , they hurt my little child , didn 't they ? Now , you stand up . We need to get out of here and find the snake . They 're keeping him inside a warehouse next door . " Elisabeth did as she was told : she stood up and went outside . It was deserted . It must have been only the two acolytes guarding her . What she didn 't know was that demons had given strict orders to keep her alive and not kill her . But they also wanted the feeling of high security . As an odd coincidence though , the acolytes had failed to receive that last part of the orders . In the glass cage they had put him in , Simbi Anpaka waited . One thing a nearly forgotten god should absolutely do , in order to keep his sanity was to put his ego to aside . Back in the day , Simbi Anpaka was worshiped , feared , and people prayed to him . Because he was the god of sorcerers and venomous snakes , people used to beg for his blessing . But now he was trapped , stolen from his homeland , suffering the indignity of being put into a cage … he had every reason to be angry since all this was an outrageous blasphemy . Instead , he was just downhearted and nostalgic about the old days ; he wasn 't even sure he wanted to go on living . He wondered if he could sleep in spite of everything . Then , he heard a familiar voice : " Don 't worry , I 'll get you out of there . Grand grand took care of them ! " She and the snake , which immediately wrapped himself around her chest and her wrist , as if in a hug , and ran outside . As grand grand had told her , there was a car waiting across the street . The guy who was supposed to be the driver was leaning against the car door , smoking . When he saw her coming he threw down his cigarette and jumped into the car , ready to start the engine . For Lilith , the time for negotiations was over . Her orders were simple and direct : " Kill the woman and the god . " She pointed her gun at Elisabeth and pulled the trigger . Her aim had always been exceptional . Simbi Anpaka had done it on purpose . Not only as a god but also as a viper , he had finely tuned reflexes . He moved towards the exact spot where the bullet would hit Elisabeth so it hit him instead . A god sacrificing itself was never before seen . But Simbi Anpaka preferred saving the person who had helped him so much to dying alone and forgotten . However , what he didn 't know was that bullets , unlike the arrows of his time , were much more penetrating . The bullet from Lilith 's gun passed through his snake body and pierced Elisabeth 's heart just as originally intended . As if someone had pushed her with all their might , Elisabeth fell on her back , her hand on the wound that she shared with the snake . She thought it would hurt , but it didn 't . The ground was probably cold , but it didn 't feel like it . It is often mentioned that before someone dies , they see their lives passing in front of their eyes like a movie but Elisabeth didn 't see anything but the night sky . Instead , she heard music . She listened to it as before her eyes the figures faded into colors , and colors faded into ghosts of themselves . It was an arpeggio , probably in D minor , she thought . When Lilith realized she had bagged two birds with one bullet she felt as happy as she was surprised . This was more luck than coincidence , she thought . She could forgive the driver , for he hadn 't done anything wrong , except that he had failed to accomplish his mission . Satisfied with the outcome , she hopped on her motorbike and left , ignoring ( or forgetting ) that after this , the wrath of a revengeful , dead sorceress would be upon her . A couple of hours later , Elisabeth woke up where she had fallen . Her wound was gone , so was the snake , the car and the white - haired bitch . She stood up and felt unusually strong . She headed towards home , which she had a hard time finding since she basically had a nonexistent sense of direction , and on the way , she thought about what possibly could have happened . The spirit called Lilith had shot her along with the snake , who had unfortunately gotten in the way , the driver must have escaped , and then what ? What in the heck was she doing still standing and walking around without any visible wounds ? As she approached her building , the only idea left in her mind was to clean her house from top to bottom . She 'd start by getting rid of the useless and stinky charm she had cooked for the snake . As she came through the door , she felt extremely uncomfortable . The discomfort increased as she walked into the kitchen and she realized she was unable to take hold of the casserole she had used to cook the charm . How come ? she thought . I was the one who cooked it ! Had someone broken into the house and changed the charm 's composition in order to keep humans away ? Then , terrorized , she remembered what the snake had said : This entry was posted in The Book and tagged fantasy , fiction , magic realism , music , voodoo . Bookmark the permalink . ← The Book of the Seven Forbidden Wisdoms Reply hiddendragonn says : June 11 , 2015 at 9 : 21 am This comment made my day ! ! Thank you so much 😀 I 'll definitely let you know . LikeLike |
The days slowly began to turn to weeks and the weeks to months . As time wore on , I settled into a routine , and from what I could tell , Elthinor and Nolan did the same . I would wake up , eat , go to work , go back to our rooms , bathe occasionally , then go to bed to do it again the next day … or night ; I could not tell as we were underground . The first few nights we had experimented with our sleeping arrangements , as all of our supplies , including our bedrolls , were taken when we were captured and we all had to sleep on the one bed . We finally settled on me sleeping as I was supposed to in the middle of the bed with Nolan and Elthinor on either side of me turned with their feet towards the headboard . It worked as well as anything could . True to his word , Korvict came to visit me while we worked every week or so and he seemed confused as to why I was not producing crystals . He could plainly see the progress we were making by how much different the tunnel looked every time he came , but still no crystals . I could tell he was becoming suspicious of what Valtrak had said about the dry vein , which he had once overheard . Valtrak did not talk much during my work , for he still just sat and did nothing , and when he did speak , it usually pertained to some matter of importance in the Dwarven world , especially of gems and crystals . I slowly learned about how the crystals were cut and shaped to the magnificent shapes I saw in the houses . The information on cutting , chipping , and polishing of the stones fascinated me . It amazed me that they could take such raw material and make it into something beautiful . I once told him of God , who I had been praying to about how being slaves tied into His plan for us and how we were supposed to escape and find the scroll , and the mission for the scrolls , but he did not react beyond grumbling and spinning his carving knife . Despite his obvious efforts to rebuff my attempts , I would always carry on a one - sided conversation with him when we took a break , talking about anything that came to mind . I could not tell if he was listening or not , and it made me upset , but I kept talking anyways . " Nephew ! " Firbrawn called from down the tunnel ; the others all had their work areas closer to the city than Valtrak and I . We were the farthest down the tunnel . Valtrak jumped up , grabbed his pickax , and started swinging at the wall . I paused in surprise for a moment before getting back to work . I saw Firbrawn approaching out of the corner of my eye and he stopped and looked around . " Wow … I am impressed . It looks as if you have made impressive progress . " Firbrawn 's tone sounded a little strange and I realized he was upset . " On widening the tunnel , " he finished , as I stopped swinging . Valtrak , on the other hand , did not stop . " We widened and heightened the tunnel for me . My knees were raw for the first couple weeks , " I said defensively . " We have been working on this tunnel for months and have found nothing ! " " You must be as bad as Valtrak , " Firbrawn said . " Even your Elf and Human companions have found crystals . I have given you a little leniency as you are of the fairer sex and you because you are my nephew , but no more . You two find crystals or I will send you to the coal mines ! " " Enough ! " Firbrawn roared . " Now , you have one week to gather a bucketful of crystals between the two of you . If you do not , you are to be sent to the coal mines . " He turned and stormed off . I looked at Elthinor desperately and he looked sad . He broke away from his Dwarf supervisor and walked over to me . Valtrak was silent and stared at the Elf , but other than a glance , Elthinor ignored him . " No , " I said sternly . " I won 't do that . You need them to stay here . I 'll think of something . You just go get back to work , okay ? " Over the next six days , there was no luck for me . Valtrak was not even trying . He had obviously resigned himself to his fate . His face was a little sadder than usual on our last day . He had told me on that second day what the coal mines were like and I was quite reluctant to go there . It sounded like horrid work . Besides , I was used to the mine I was in already . " Valtrak ? " I asked after a few hours on our last day . " Would you please dig a little ? Who knows , maybe we will find something ? " " Because I never wanted to be down here in the mines . I wanted to cut and polish the crystals . Turn them into beautiful gemstones . To set them into jewelry . Digging for the crystals just does not appeal to me , but does my uncle care ? No . All he cares about is how I am viewed by the other nobles . Each noble is required to have a job that has to do with crystals , and mining them is the most desired , so my uncle got me in here so that the other nobles would be jealous and think highly of me , but they don 't because I am a failure at it . Most of the common Dwarves do not really like nobles so they keep the mines full , and they give me the dry veins so I cannot get anything . So I lose both ways , " Valtrak finished . I stared at him for a moment . That was the most he had ever said to me at one time ; he always gave me information in little snippets then would go silent again , and even that little bit of information was never about him . That he would tell me this made me realize that I was probably the closest thing he had to a friend . I smiled at him and his eyes got that distrustful look in them again , but this time I did not mind . Valtrak looked at me for a moment then smiled for the first time since I had known him . His eyes darted back to the hollow that had been revealed by my blow and shook his head in wonder . Crystals of every kind decorated the wall and he stood and we began to dig out the crystals together , placing them one by one into the bucket of his that had never had even one crystal in it . Soon it was stacked full and there were more past the brim and we began working on filling mine . He gave me a thoughtful look then shrugged and focused back on our task . We could feel them staring at us , but we ignored them . I saw a pair of hands with faint green and silver designs on them reaching forward and I slapped them away . He paused and looked at me , frowning slightly . " Fine . Come Nolan , let 's get back to our buckets , " he said , sounding a little irritated . I watched as the crowd dispersed only to reveal Firbrawn and I froze . Valtrak must have noticed me stiffen because I heard him stop his own movements . We stood there for a few minutes before Firbrawn walked forward and began picking crystals up from our buckets . " Yes , " I said immediately as Valtrak looked guilty . " It took us forever , but we finally found some crystals in this vein . Looks like it was not completely dry after all . " Two weeks into mining and I had made the tunnel high enough for me to stand straight and swing the pickax over my shoulder . It had taken me all that time plus standing in several uncomfortable positions to get it that way . I was pleased with my work , but Valtrak , who was still carving away , was as apathetic as ever . I sometimes caught him watching me with those strange violet eyes . When I did he did not avert his gaze , but kept staring at me , as if he was trying to understand me . He did not talk much , but his company was pleasant enough . We were heading back to the house we were staying in when we were intercepted by the king . I bowed to him immediately and Elthinor and Nolan grudgingly followed ; they were still upset that they were basically slaves . Elthinor had asked me a couple times already how I had withstood his own family 's constant demands on me and I had just smiled at him and told him I did not know . Elthinor and Nolan both mumbled under their breath about how that was half lying , but the truth was that I did not mind the manual labor as much as they did . Elthinor had been a hunter in Ellavendir , not a farmer or woodcutter or carpenter , which was probably one reason he had not been strong enough to fight off the other Elf boys . He was definitely strong enough , and skilled enough now , I thought happily , to easily defeat any of them . Nolan … was an orphan . The most physical labor he had done was probably running away from men who were screaming that he was a thief ; I knew he had most likely stolen to survive in Bushacre . Valtrak jerked and his eyes lit up . I glanced at him , and he sank back into his stoic attitude , except for his eyes . His eyes continued to gleam with interest . I smiled , relieved to know that the young Dwarf actually did have emotions . Sometimes I really wondered , but this refuted that idea completely . I looked around the city as we walked , marveling at the amount of detail that was put into the carved buildings , especially in the richer parts of the city . I recalled the details in Ellavendir that the Elves had painted on the wood of their own buildings . While they had been pictures of plants and animals , the Dwarves had increasingly complex gemstone - looking carvings decorating the walls of their buildings . Unlike the Elves , there was no color to them . No paint had touched the stone of the houses . They were all grey or variations of brown . I found it odd that the Dwarves were so like the Humans in Paxtonvale and Bushacre , at least in their color schemes . In fact , the gems seemed to be the only color in the dull world of Dwarves . I suddenly understood why they were so desperate to find them . I turned and was about to share this sentiment with Elthinor and Nolan when our group suddenly stopped , Korvict looking at me expectantly . " Oh … sure , " I replied and walked into the room . There were stone tables set up in rows of five . The air was just as stuffy down here , smelling of earth , but there was no stench of sweat like there was in the mines . Instead of pickaxes , they wielded strange tools . They were using them to chip and cut the various crystals , forming them into the angled gems that sparkled from the Dwarven houses and statues . The ones being cut - carved was too harsh a word - were dull , though , not clear and sparkling . I watched , but more importantly , I listened as Valtrak explained the process of cutting and polishing diamonds with a passion that I respected . It sounded like my passion for God and Jesiah - sometimes muted , but always there just under the surface , waiting for the right words to be spoken to stir it into a fiery blaze . He seemed so eager about it , which contrasted so much with the apathetic view he took on his work down in the mines . I wondered briefly if working in the mines was his choice , or his uncle 's . All too soon , it seemed , the king interrupted us . " Not to be rude , but I must leave now . Royal duties and whatnot . So , I am afraid you must head back to your lodgings , " Korvict said , a smile nearly hidden by his long beard . Valtrak 's face went back into apathy as we left and I felt sorry for him . He seemed so withdrawn , and it hurt me . What had made him like this ? Mayhap it was him losing his family so abruptly . Maybe it was his being ostracized by the Dwarves down in the mines ; Elthinor and Nolan had told me some of what the others said about Valtrak , but refused to tell me the rest because it was , as they said , " Much too vulgar for a lady to hear . " I did not really think that I was a lady , but I respected their refusal and let the subject drop . Nolan and Elthinor both jabbed me in the ribs at the same time and I shot them both dirty looks , one after the other . Valtrak slowly turned back to look at us , wearing a guarded expression . He gauged our reactions and finally nodded slowly . I smiled and opened the door , gesturing for him to enter . He did so and looked around at the room . There were not that many personal touches , just an interesting crystal that Elthinor had dug up that he had been allowed to keep . Other than that , the room was just how we had found it that first night . My thoughts turned to Firbrawn . His attitude toward us had lightened only slightly since he had been ordered to keep us in his home . He still was not happy about the special treatment we received from the king . On a whim , I decided to ask Valtrak about him . Valtrak was avoided looking at us as he answered . " He is jealous . He has been trying to get into the king 's favor for years , then you come in and win it within a few minutes of being in his presence . I can see why , though . You are easy to get along with and there 's just something about you that … " Valtrak trailed off . He seemed to be embarrassed if the way he was playing with his short beard was any indication . He did not seem to know what to do next so he just stood there awkwardly , shifting his weight from foot to foot . Elthinor broke first . Valtrak 's eyes lit up again . " Yes . In fact , I have spent many hours perusing the shelves of the small library we have here in the city for information on it . It interests me greatly . " My mind began to drift as the conversation turned into what gems were used for , what the colors symbolized , and even how to propose marriage with them . I focused my thoughts on what we were going to do . We had been in Crystalmoor for two weeks . Our mission had been put on hold for two weeks . How would that affect it ? I knew that on the surface , winter was fast approaching . What were we to do if we managed to get away and we had to run over ice and through snow ? We would not last long , that I knew . I sent up a quick prayer , affirming that I trusted God to take care of us as He had been throughout our journey so far and that He knew what He was doing . As soon as I thought of God , it made me think of Jesiah . Why had I not been getting dreams from him ? Was he done with me ? Or was it something else ? The last two dreams had been accidentally interrupted by Nolan , who had just been concerned because of my tendency to verbalize my dreams . But since that last dream … nothing . It concerned me , and scared me a little . Was he abandoning me ? No , certainly not . He seemed to care for me deeply and I do not think he would hurt me purposefully for the world , even in spite of the death of my mother . I looked at him , my train of thought broken . " No , " I answered honestly . Valtrak looked a little disappointed so I added quickly , " But it is probably because I am a little tired . Please , repeat what you said and I shall try to listen this time . " As I listened , I learned more and more about the importance Dwarves put on gems and gold . They were not just for splashes of color . I did not understand it all , but I did not have to . It was just a different culture . We talked and exchanged our different cultures for a few hours before exhaustion caught up with us all . We said good night and Valtrak left . I swear as he walked away , there was a slight skip in his step . I smiled and closed the door . I felt better than I had in a while even with raw knees and heavy , aching arms . I had not bathed in what felt like forever . Sure the rain had kept us fairly clean , but the Dwarves actually had soap and hot water that a person could scrub themselves clean with . I wore a clean shirt and pants , which I had washed with me , and padded barefoot out to Nolan and Elthinor , who were both lying on the bed half - asleep . Elthinor shook himself awake and sat up to smile at me . I shrugged . " It just feels nice to be clean for once , " I said with a smile . " Oh , and I drained the … whatever you want to call that thing , and filled it with fresh hot water . " I shrugged one shoulder . " I am not really sure , " I answered honestly . " I was a servant in Elthinor 's home before we left Ellavendir . I had the same sense of … I think it is peace , when I was there . It did not bother me then and it does not bother me now . This time I just know to do what they say . I think , and I am just going out on a limb here , that it is God 's will for us to be here and to serve the Dwarves . " Nolan rolled his eyes and abruptly changed the subject . We chatted about our favorite things and he questioned me about my running , which he had undoubtedly heard about from Elthinor and Gabrithon … Just the thought of Gabrithon saddened me . He had run away , leaving us to our fate . Even though I did try , I simply could not be angry at him . I figured that he had feared the Dwarves for his whole life , and I could not blame him for acting on that fear . " I just … back in Bushacre I had one friend when I was younger . He … betrayed me , " Nolan said , looking away from me . " I trusted him one time after that , and he betrayed me again . I do not trust those who run out on me even now . Gabrithon included . I am sorry if that upsets you , but I shall hold tightly to this law . I will never fully trust him again , if he comes back . I doubt he will though . Jacob never came back the second time around . " I felt sorry for Nolan . At least I had grown up with a mother . He had had nobody except for this Jacob , and he had turned on him . I reached over and grabbed Nolan 's hand . He looked at our hands and back at my face with raised eyebrows . " I am sorry about what Jacob did , but I just can 't not trust my friends . Before I met Elthinor , I had never had any friends , and none of the ones I now have has given me a reason not to trust them . Even Gabrithon . Fear is a powerful motivator , and he has feared these stone - like Dwarves his whole life . That is a long time to fear something . " The door to the bathing room opened and Elthinor stepped out , his hair plastered to his head , and he looked decidedly happier and much cleaner ; we had all been covered with dirt and grime after our time in the mines . It was no wonder that the Dwarves had come up with such an ingenious bathing system with all the dirt and dust they accumulated throughout the day . Even if a Dwarf did not work in the mines , the air had plenty of dust simply from being underground . Elthinor only wore his pants , which he had obviously washed , and his equally clean shirt was carried in his hands . He jumped easily over me and landed between me and Nolan , bouncing us both in the air . I laughed with them as Nolan and I settled back onto the bed . Elthinor sat up and tossed his shirt onto the bedside table . I could not help but stare curiously at Elthinor 's designs . The green tree and silver flowers were shimmering in the candlelight . On either side of the tree , roots stretched up from his side and went up to his shoulders where they bloomed into intricate vines that wrapped around his arms and bloomed into silver flowers on his hands . I knew that the starry night above the water scene on his back was just as beautiful . It looked magnificent on his skin and I stared until Elthinor coughed slightly , drawing my attention back to him . I blushed fiercely as he looked at me with one eyebrow arched . " I keep forgetting you are not a full Elf and do not possess our unique physical appearance . It 's alright if you study the designs . I don 't mind . " Elthinor smiled at my words and reached over to poke my cheek . " I wonder why you do not have designs if you are half Elf . You do not have one anywhere ? " he queried . " Maybe . I still do not know his views on Him . He seems disinterested , even more so than Gabrithon is … was , " I corrected with a sigh . " I am worried about our Centaurian friend . " I closed my eyes and sighed , my heart aching with that thought . Gabrithon had become a close friend in the short time I had known him . He had been as lonely as Elthinor and I had been before we had found each other . I sighed again and leaned back against the bed . " Father , please . Let him come back . I do not wish to lose a friend , " I said out loud , feeling tears sting my eyes . " But if he does not come back , please protect him . " I went silent and the only noise in the room was the sound of us breathing . I must have fallen asleep because I jerked awake when the door to the bathing room closed behind Nolan , who was fully dressed in his clean clothes . Elthinor sat up and reached out to the side for his sword , which had been taken by the Dwarves . I stared at Nolan for a moment then yawned . " No . The floor is stone and I do not think you could sleep too well on it , " I said , shooting down that idea . " We shall just have to find a suitable sleeping arrangement . " The mines were filled with the clang of the Dwarves ' tools against rock and peeking through the walls were covered with what looked like gems . They weren 't , however , shining nearly as much as the ones had set into the statues and homes , and they didn 't hold the same beautiful shapes . As we walked through the mines , the ceilings began getting lower and lower , matching the smaller creatures ' heights instead of ours . We were stooped over by the time we stopped . Every eye was on us , most of them focusing on Elthinor ; I was guessing that they had never seen an Elf before . There was dead silence around us , and the Dwarves refused to look up at their angry superior . I looked around at them and noticed they were shifting nervously . Firbrawn repeated the question with more force . A Dwarf finally stepped forward , looking up at the intimidating Dwarf with a slightly fearful expression . His skin was a reddish brown and his hair and short beard were black . His face and build resembled Firbrawn 's , so I assumed the latter was related to him . He was obviously younger by far than most of the other Dwarves present , and even I could tell he was lying . The Dwarf crossed his arms and grumbled a response . Firbrawn sighed . " Valtrak , I am doing this for your own good ! Can you not see that ? " Firbrawn narrowed his eyes . " We shall talk about this later , Valtrak , " he said sternly , ending the conversation with his tone alone . " Now , " he said , changing his demeanor . " These … people will be helping down here with your crew , Kirrak . " Elthinor snickered , making the Dwarves all look at us , or more specifically him . I remembered the first time I saw him and smiled at him . He seemed uncomfortable at being stared at by so many people of a race that he had never seen before . At my smile , he relaxed a little and smiled back at me . Firbrawn commanded our attention again . The Dwarves all eyed me with distaste as Firbrawn left , but it was nothing I had not suffered through before so I ignored them . Judging by the way the Dwarves flocked towards Elthinor and Nolan , none of them wanted to work with me . Kirrak watched me with his strange white eyes to see what I would do . I simply stared back at them , not even bothering to hide my displeasure . Kirrak smirked and called over the young Dwarf . Valtrak downright glared at me , but instead of glaring back , I gave him my sweetest smile . He was immediately confused and grumblingly led me down to what I assumed was his workspace . There were no crystals showing through the walls down here , attesting , I guessed , to how little work he did . He showed me how to hold and swing the tool , which he called a pickax . It was heavier than I expected , but I believe the farm work and heavy lifting I used to do helped me to hold it . I took a few practice swings before he corrected my grip and I tried again , finding it was much easier that way . I got into a rhythm for a while before I noticed that Valtrak was sitting on the ground carving something . I stopped and stared at him questioningly . I was not really sure what to think of that for a moment then thought of my father . I guess I could empathize with him , I thought . I had never known my father , so I could not really miss him . I could miss the idea of having a father in my life , but not the Elf himself . " When I first came down here , I mined with all my heart , hoping to make my uncle proud , but that was nearly a year ago . Every day , I moved deeper into the tunnel and still found nothing . Then our group moved into another tunnel . Again , there was nothing in the area they gave me . Each place we move , a couple of the Dwarves listen to the stone to see where the crystals lie , and I am sure they give me the dry veins now . It could have been chance on the first two or three , but we have moved through more than ten and still nothing . My uncle thinks I am a slacker and a disappointment so why should I do anything to try and change his mind anymore ? I know it will not help . " " It gives me something to do . Besides , Korvict told me we are basically slaves , and slaves listen to their masters . He told me to mine , so I will mine even if I find nothing . " I smiled at him and his emerald eyes narrowed , as if he did not trust my motives . He finally shook his head and moved to sit back against the wall and began carving again . I quickly got back into the rhythm of chipping away at the walls . I worked until a low horn blasted through the cave and made me jump and drop the tool . Valtrak snickered . We walked back to where the others were filing out and I made a beeline for Elthinor and Nolan , who both looked exhausted . As soon as I noticed that , I became aware that my arms were heavy from the work that I had done , my knees , which I had been kneeling on the whole time , were raw , and my body suddenly stopped as my head became fuzzy . I shook my head to clear it and when I opened my eyes - which I hadn 't known I had closed - Elthinor was right beside me , holding me up . " Because it keeps me close to you two . I do not want to be away from you . Not in this strange underground world , " I said sternly . " I could not help it , " Korvict said with a smile ; the four Dwarves behind him stood there looking shocked that I addressed their king in such a way . " You intrigue me , girl . I shall be keeping an eye on you . So , how was your first day ? " " That is too bad . Well , there is always tomorrow , " he said cheerily . " These tunnels are filled with crystals , and most of them can be turned into beautiful cut gemstones . " I was struck with just how true Valtrak 's statement was , and the king 's for that matter . I turned and smiled at the red - brown Dwarf . He just stared at me with those violet eyes of his and frowned . I finally turned away , a little disturbed , and noticed Korvict staring at me expectantly . I smiled at him and he actually smiled back at me before calling Firbrawn , who was standing back away from the king , to him . " Well , follow me , " Firbrawn said irritably . " I do not understand why the king demands such special treatment for you slaves . What is so special about you ? The only difference I can see is that Filynora is with you . " I was , quite frankly , confused . Firbrawn had seemed so cheery and , well , friendly to us , me in particular , earlier . Now he was , to put it kindly , disagreeable . As we made our way back through the city , I wondered what had changed his attitude . From what he had said and the way he had said it , I finally assumed it was the attitude of the king towards me . Mayhap he was jealous ? We were guided through several hallways decorated with glowing crystals and gemstones set into more beaten gold . In one room we passed , I noticed a fountain leaping from the floor itself ! I could not believe that I could feel so much amazement in one day . This underground city seemed to hold constant wonder for me . I was so lost in my thoughts that I ran into Elthinor when he suddenly stopped walking . He grabbed me to steady me ; my legs were weak from kneeling the whole time I had worked . " Well , here is your room . You three can share , " Firbrawn said , sounding too sweet . " There is a bathing room connected by the door on the right side of the main room , and on the other side is a place where you can relieve yourselves . Enjoy . " He left us standing there and we just stared after him for a moment before Elthinor hesitantly opened the door . The room was furnished with a good sized , plush looking bed , a few chairs carved out of wood , and a small table off to one side carved out of stone . I imagined they had snuck the wood down here when the Centaurs were not looking . All three of us walked into the room and just gazed around . When the door suddenly shut , I jumped and spun around , clutching at my knife , or where it should have been , before I realized it had only been Nolan . Elthinor walked over and flopped on the bed , sighing tiredly . Nolan chose a chair and I just stood where I was . I noticed a door to the right of me and opened it to see a large depression in the middle of the room and what looked like a lever off to the side that led into a stone basin set over a stove . I pushed the lever down and gasped as water gushed from a spout and into the stone basin . " It is like the baths I took when I lived in Paxtonvale except you do not have to carry the water . See ? We light the stove and the water heats up . We pull that string and that wooden slat lifts and the hot water will go down into the depression of the floor . " " It seems like it , does it not ? And look at the bottom of the depression , " I said , jumping down into it . " There is a stopper . Pull it up and I assume the water will drain out . " I stared at the strange black rocks inside the stove for a moment before humming and experimentally striking the stones together . Sparks flew and the black rocks flared up . I laughed and turned to look at Elthinor and Nolan , who were both just as tickled as I was by the unusual rocks . We walked for a good half an hour before we went into the forest . We continued for another fifteen minutes before we came to a well - concealed opening . The Dwarf who had said he liked me walked up to it and gestured . I swallowed and walked into the hole to find an incline that led deeper into the earth . The farther and deeper we went , the darker it got . Just before my vision disappeared completely , there was a pale blue light that came from ahead of us . I picked up my pace to see where the light was coming from and paused when I could finally see what was causing it . We began walking again , this time following the Dwarf , whom I assumed was in charge of this group by his demeanor . It took another ten minutes of walking before the tunnel ended . I gasped as the cavern came into view . There was an entire city carved from the rock and was lit up by enormous crystals stuck in the walls around the entire cavern , as far as I could see . I could also see other tunnels branching out in the walls between some of the giant crystals . " It is , isn 't it ? " the Dwarf in charge said proudly . " It took years and years to carve it . It is the Dwarves ' pride and joy . " I sighed again , but started walking again ; the Dwarves had taken our weapons as soon as they had found them and I did not want them to get rough with us . I was almost sure they would not hurt me , at least not too badly , but I knew they would not hold back with Elthinor and Nolan . This was one time I was glad to be a female . We moved down the path to the city and walked through the straight , pristine streets to the center where a giant house stood . The houses that we had seen throughout the city were miniscule compared to this one . They all had some of the glowing crystals set around the outside doorway and they all had beaten gold designs on their doors with jewels decorating them , pointing to just how rich the Dwarves were in things that were so rare on the surface . The outside of the giant house was magnificent . It was intricately carved stone with great attention given to the tiniest detail . The inside was just as beautiful . It contained more of those glowing crystals set , not into the walls , but into the high ceiling . They revealed jewel - encrusted stone statues set around the rooms we went through . We were led to a room with a large stone seat , also jewel encrusted . The Dwarf who sat upon the throne , the only word appropriate for the chair , had skin that was a dark , dusty grey and his beard and hair were thick and black . He wore the same kind of clothes that the Dwarves who had captured us wore , but he had many jewels woven into his beard and on his fingers were many golden rings . He stared at us with gleaming sapphire eyes , which were focused on a point behind me . I looked to where he was looking and realized it was Elthinor that was being stared at . I managed to elbow his nose and he yelped and did not shake me again . I looked back at the Dwarf king , who was staring at me with interest . I was hoping that the special property I possessed that the other races liked was still with me . It seemed to be , I thought gladly as he smiled at me . As soon as they were gone , the king stepped from his throne and became much less formal . He stroked his beard thoughtfully as he walked around me , watching me . He stopped when he had circled me twice and stood in front of me . I shrugged my shoulders . " Everybody but mankind seems to like me . Well , except Nolan . He likes me , I suppose . He has traveled this far with me , " I said thoughtfully . I looked at the king after a moment . " If it does not offend you , what is your name ? I think it is only fair that I know . " " My name is Korvict , " he said after a thoughtful pause . " You know , not many people ask my name . They just call me ' Your Majesty . ' " " You know where to find our caves and it was reported to me earlier that you traveled with a horseman . It is against the Dwarves ' best interests that I let you go , therefore you are staying here . As what , though , depends on how I feel about you . Right now , it is looking very good for you . " He paused and stared at me . " What do you have to offer ? You are not like a normal girl . My scouts reported they saw you fighting like a man . " " Well , " I said eventually . " I can hunt , skin animals , make leather , disembowel and cut up most animals … I can do a lot with animals . I was the one doing the chores around my farm , " I finished with a small smile . I thought and then added , " I can also sew , but not very well , and I can clean . " " Well , I already have plenty of servants to clean and sew , and we have hunting parties that go up to the forest that do the skinning and such . I do not know what to do with you , let alone your friends . I suppose the boy and the Elf could go and dig for crystals that are to be cut down to gems , but as for you , I do not know . " " It is not special treatment . It is the way things here are done . In fact , it would be special treatment if you did go down there , but if you want to go and work in the mines , then fine , " the Dwarf king said with a wave of his hand . " But you will not last down there . It is a male 's work . " " No , " Korvict admitted , scrutinizing me . " You don 't act like any female I have met before either . " His eyes met mine and we stared at each other for a minute or so . " Very well then , " he said finally . " You and your friends shall work in the mines . I shall check on your progress in a couple days . If you wish to change jobs then I will allow it . " " Likewise , " I said , with a bow ; I couldn 't very well curtsy without a dress on . " Dwarves seem to be interesting creatures . You are like nothing I have ever seen before . You kind of look like living rocks . " The Dwarf king chuckled . " We live amongst the rocks , we harvest crystals from rocks , and we build our cities from the rocks . So it only makes sense that we look like them . " " Firbrawn , do not argue with me . They are going to join your son down in the mines . Yes the girl , too . Make sure they are on the same crew as Valtrak . Now , untie their hands and lead them down to the mines . " We were awakened that night by Ember , who was growling and looking in the forest . Gabrithon 's nostrils flared and he was up in an instant . By the faint light of the embers in the fire pit I could see his panic . He was frightened . The fear in his voice persuaded us to do as he said and we packed up in record time . Once our bedrolls were firmly tied to our separate packs , Gabrithon had us moving swiftly along the edge of the forest with Ember 's markings glowing orange to light our way . There was suddenly the sound of hooves and the poor Centaur squealed and shot off . We gasped and ran with him , his fear spreading to us . We ran and ran until we - well , they - could not run any further , and all three of them stopped , panting heavily . I was a bit winded myself ; the longer we travelled , the fitter the rest of them got and the longer and faster they could run . " We cannot stop , " Gabrithon whimpered . " They will catch us and father will be awfully angry at me . I do not like my father in his best temperament . Anger is worse . Much , much worse . " " What do you propose we do ? " Nolan asked , still sucking in air greedily . " We are not Filynora . We cannot run until sunup the way you would like . We must walk ! " Gabrithon blinked . " I forgot you are not Centaur and do not know the land . Right inside the forest about a mile or two is Woodspell . It is a small community , but home to some of the fastest Centaurs in the world . They are also some of the most unforgiving of trespassers as they live close to stone men … or Dwarves as you call them . Dwarves are rather cruel creatures . They enjoy roping and branding us , and a branded Centaur is considered useless and it is a shame just to look at him . " I made a face and the three of them laughed , albeit nervously . They were wary of my temper when I spoke of those subjects , and I could not blame them . I ignored the comment to the best of my ability , looking up at the stars and the sliver of the pale moon that was high up in the night sky . The stars twinkled , ever so far separated from the desperate race against time and Centaurs that we were going through . It made me envy them just a little bit . Elthinor caught up with me and smiled hesitantly in the half light . I sighed and smiled back . I could not stay mad at any of them , especially Elthinor . We were just too good of friends . I enjoyed having friends . It made my life a lot more interesting than raising my wild Elementals ever had . The fact that we were on a mission that seemed like it was of dire importance was just a bonus . My life had turned from boring and plain ( well , as plain as an Elemental raiser 's life could be ) to an exciting adventure that had no end in sight . Despite all that my life had become , I had begun to yearn for the safe days back at the farm with my faithful Elementals and pets by my side . The long days I spent hunting in the wood where nothing seemed to be against me was in stark contrast to today when everything seemed to be after me . Ignorance , I thought to myself as we walked , is something I would pay dearly to get back . We traveled the rest of the night and well into the morning before we decided to unroll our bedrolls and sleep a bit . Gabrithon volunteered the watch ; he just could not sleep being so close to Woodspell , and we decided not to argue with him . I woke first to find him dozing . As soon as I moved , his head shot up and his eyes locked onto me . As soon as they did , he relaxed and rolled his head back . " I cannot sleep , " he sighed . " I am too worried about my father . He 's not a forgiving stallion , and I fear he is livid about my leaving . " Gabrithon chuckled softly . " You will think it is ironic . " I looked at him questioningly . " He arranged a marriage for me with a shy filly from one of the noble families . I did not like her so I … ran away . " " In some ways , yes . Being the youngest prince , I did not have the responsibilities my brothers have , but I was restricted by the same rules . Sometimes they were stricter rules . It is quite boring being royalty , and my father had complete control over everything I used to do . When I ran away , there was such a sensation of freedom that I could hardly believe it . I could do what I wanted . When I met you , believe it or not , I was a bit irresponsible . I had nothing to really live for , so I took ridiculous risks . That 's how I got in trouble with the Vampires . I followed their noises out from my campfire , even though somewhere in me I knew better , and … well , you know what happened . I still have a couple scars to prove it . " " It is a little hard to explain . Your face just used to have this glow . Like you were always happy or … I don 't know , joyful , even when you were in pain , or times were hard . " I looked down . I had felt a little empty since my mother 's death , but I had just assumed it was from her , not God . Now that I thought about it , it made more since that it seemed to be a greater hole than even my mother could have left . I began to cry and Gabrithon looked alarmed . " I don 't know what to do , Gabrithon . I don 't know how to tell Him I am angry at Him or that I don 't understand why He took my mother . I know he had to have a reason , but that does not help the pain . I miss her . " " It won 't really do if you hit Jesiah . Elthinor told me the last time you were angry at Him you tried to hit Him and it upset you terribly . " He tilted his head at me . " Is that what you fear ? Losing control like you did the first time ? " I hummed , realizing he was right . I decided the next time I dreamed of Jesiah , I would try and explain my feelings to Him . It would not do to be separated from Him . I knew that the best place to be was with Him , no matter what my circumstances were . I knew it wouldn 't be easy , but when had my life been easy ? The rest of his excuse was drowned out by a horn . Gabrithon yelped and was up and running away before I could register what was happening . The horn had woken Elthinor and Nolan up and they sat up in surprise . Gabrithon had disappeared , and I called for him . Instead of the Centaur , a short , bearded creature came out with an axe held in his hands . His beard was a reddish brown and his dark eyes stared distrustfully at us . They were just as unusual as any of the other creatures . They looked just as I remembered from the scroll readings , but judging by the looks on Elthinor 's and Nolan 's faces , they had never imagined anything like that . Their skin and hair looked textured like rock with different colors for each Dwarf . Their eyes sparkled like the gemstones I had only caught glimpses of in the traders ' camp , each color taking up the entire eye , with no iris or pupil to mar the jewel - like perfection . They were stunning beings , like the Elves and Centaurs were , but in a different way . The one with the reddish brown beard approached us . His skin was brown and I could see his eyes were black as he approached us . My eyes widened and I commanded him to flame up . He did so and the Dwarf holding him down yelped as the staff caught on fire . Ember leaped up and I said the only thing I could think of . The Dwarves growled amongst themselves then the leader grabbed me . He seemed angry , but not worried , that Ember had gotten away . He seemed to have a more pressing question on his mind , and he did not mince words . He looked at my Elven friend and asked his question . The Dwarf actually smiled a little and his eyes softened . " I like you , girl . You are bold . You and your companions are to come with us to our king . " I woke early the next morning and , despite my body 's soreness , decided to take a walk in the woods . I knew I would be nearly silent so any Centaurs , if there were any this far away from Cyrene or whatever the nearest town was , would be unable to tell it was a Strangeling . I debated on waking one of the others up , but decided against it ; I wanted everybody to get as much sleep as they could so there would be no more irritability . As I walked , I took in the sheer beauty around me and just felt awed . The trees seemed to become bigger and bigger the farther I went . Sadly , with autumn so close , the flowers that had been so bright the day before had already begun to die , and I wished for their colors to brighten up the dying greenery on the forest floor . Even though the ground plants were losing their beauty , the trees were just beginning to show theirs . The leaves were just starting to turn and there were hints of red and yellow and orange everywhere . Almost subconsciously , I redirected my awe up to God , who had created such wondrous beauty . I knew it was strange , but I still talked to Him ; I just did not say anything about my feelings to Him . As time wore on , I found it was more and more natural just to thank Him for all the things around me , like my friends , whom I knew were loyal ; I supposed we were loyal simply because we had never had friends before . I was happy to praise God . It was like I was made for it . As I thought about it , I realized we all probably were made to praise Him and love Him . Maybe that 's why life was so empty without Him . All my hard work on the farm really amounted to naught in the grand scheme of the world . Now , with God guiding me , I had a mission , something that I knew would matter in the grand scheme of things . My musings were interrupted by a soft sound . I immediately froze and ducked behind a tree . After a moment , the sound was repeated and I realized it was a sob . I crept forward until a little stream was in view and , lying beside it , was a female Centaur . She had her face down and her long black hair hung in a large braid down her back . She wore a single garment : a red - brown shirt that covered her chest , but left her stomach exposed so that it was easy to see where the tanned skin ended and the black horse 's body began . She was quite beautiful and I didn 't like to see such a magnificent creature so sad . She sobbed again , her whole body shaking , and I was just about to go out and talk to her when a snort sounded and I tensed . A male Centaur came out and of the woods across from me and walked straight towards her . She looked at him , quickly wiped her face off , and stood . He sighed . " You mares are all the same , " he sighed . " You should be happy a suitor has chosen you . Now you can serve your purpose and bear foals for him . " " Sister , " Tailsan sighed . " Father has already accepted the bridal price . You are to be wed in a week . We cannot change his mind . I know you do not like Hidasor , but you must marry him . Father will not be swayed . He thinks Hidasor is a suitable stallion for you . " I watched as Bellana followed him , her head lowered again . I felt sorry for her . From the tone of her voice , this Hidasor was not a pleasant stallion . In fact , she sounded as I would if I were forced to marry Tynan . I felt my lip curl in disgust at the thought and turned and walked back towards our camp on the edge of the forest . By the time I got back , the others were awake . As soon as Elthinor saw me , his face lit up in relief . He embraced me , then hit me lightly . I winced , suddenly aware of how sore my body was from the sparring the night before . He did look a little sorry at that , but his face also held a bit of anger . I was about to give a sharp retort , but it died in my throat when I saw how serious he was . I realized that my disappearance probably had worried them all greatly . I sighed softly and hugged Elthinor , obviously surprising him . I felt sad for the young Centaur lass , but dropped the subject . At least I stopped speaking of it , but my thoughts raced around and around the subject . I did not think it was fair that she had no say , at least no say that I could see anyways , on who she was to be wed to . I would never wed somebody I did not want to , and nobody could make me . Not even with the threat of death . " When one gets to know you , yes , " Elthinor said with a smile , which disappeared as he became serious again . " I am serious about you not running off without telling us , Fily . You have so many creatures after you that it isn 't safe for you to go anywhere by yourself . " " Great , " I said softly , looking back at Elthinor . " Look , I appreciate your concern , but I will be fine . If you haven 't noticed , I can fight just fine . " Elthinor 's eyes were hard and I suddenly knew I would not be able to talk him out of this . With a speed that I had only seen when we were in danger , he grabbed the sparring sticks and tossed me one . I caught it easily and glanced at it for a moment . When I looked back up , the Elf was charging me ! I yelped and leaped aside , spinning around to face him with the stick at the ready . I did not have to ask what he was doing ; I knew he was trying to prove his unmentioned point that I couldn 't fight as well as he would like . I was determined to prove him wrong . I quickly found out that I was the one who was wrong . He was not hesitant like Nolan and he was much more skilled . I found myself constantly on the defensive , and suffered from several well timed strikes . I was sore enough from the night before , but I knew after this I would not want to move . I suddenly stumbled back and saw a streak coming at me . The next thing I knew , cold water was being poured onto me . I sat up , breathing heavily and looking around . My head was throbbing and I lightly pressed my hand against my temple . I felt something sticky and pulled my hand away to see blood . I looked up to see Elthinor kneeling in front of me , looking guilty . I frowned and a burst of anger flooded through me . I swung my own stick , which had fallen right beside me , and hit his as hard as I could . His body jerked as the stick made contact with his head and he fell back limply . I felt smug satisfaction as he lay there , which quickly faded as blood began pouring out of a cut on his forehead . I winced and crawled over to sit beside his head ; I wasn 't sure if I could stand without falling over again , so I decided to stay as close to the ground as I could . There was a titter of laughter and I looked up to see Nolan trying not to laugh . Gabrithon was wide - eyed with surprise , his mouth slightly agape , and was staring at me . I nodded and he disappeared quietly into the forest . Gabrithon was still looking at me , seemingly impressed by my act of anger . I shifted under his gaze and pressed my hands against Elthinor 's forehead , trying to staunch the blood flow . Nolan returned quickly and poured the water over Elthinor 's lifeless - looking body . The Elf sat up gasping and sputtering , looking bewildered . Elthinor 's face scrunched up as he tried to remember . " No , " he finally said then looked at me . " I didn 't think a female could hit hard enough to knock anybody out . No offense , but I just didn 't think it could be done . " " Nor I you , " Elthinor said with a smile then lifted his hand to his forehead . " I 'm bleeding , " he said in surprise . " And so are you . " Nolan gently tended to my temple while Gabrithon did the same for Elthinor . Against the Centaur 's advice , we decided to stay for another night . I was too sore to want to walk , and both Elthinor and I were a bit dizzy from the blows we had dealt each other . We knew it was dangerous to be so close to the Centaur city , even if we were a ways away ; because of their horse bodies they could travel longer distances than most of the races could . Despite that fact , we were staying put . Another day of rest would help us a lot . Gabrithon was exceedingly nervous , but didn 't comment . We all knew of his reluctance to see his father again . I silently hoped that it wouldn 't come to that , for his sake . |
My name is Nia Preez . I live in Second Life Universe as a submissive woman . I would like to discover my submissive mind and I had the idea to do it with help of other people living in this wonderful world , too . I repaired the ladder . My Mistress seemed to be content . I received the name of the shop , which had moved . We went to this shop . My Mistress allowed me to look around . She even asked if I could see everything . Unfortunately , I had to leave soon . My Mistress wore wonderful clothes . I loved her skirt . It was a new outfit , which fitted on her very lovely . She told me that we would go to the certain place . She did not mention the name of the place . I was a bit excited ; however I knew that I would know the destination in few seconds . I turned around , when I arrived . The place did not seem to be familiar . My Mistress leaded my by the leash . My ankle cuffs were locked together with a very short chain . My hands were cuffed behind my back . It was very difficult to walk ; especially stairs were almost impregnable stymies . We walked through a small bridge and we went in a small room . I looked around . One Mistress was sleeping in a throne . On the opposite side of the room , a huge , daemon like person stood . He looked like a bull , except that he stood on his two rear legs . One of my Mistress 's friends knelt near the daemon . I realized that we were in the femdom place . My Mistress had warned me earlier , how to greet people here . I had to greet each person individually . I did it so , but the other Mistress and the daemon was sleeping . I sat down near my Mistress . A man came in the room . He used translator device . My Mistress 's friend talked to him in Russian . He could write with Cyrillic letters . I had talked to Russian people earlier . Do you remember the Russian girls , who invited my Mistress and I to their Gorean city . They were the last people with whom I could speak in Russian . But , they gave up inviting me about a month ago . I asked permission for asking question . I would have wanted to know how to write with Cyrillic letters . My Mistress ignored my question . My Mistress told me to kneel in front of her . There was a pose ball at her throne . I tried it . It was so bad . I realized that I started to lick my Mistress . I stood up as soon as I could and I begged for pardon . The other Mistress woke up and my Mistress ordered me to lick her feet . I obeyed and I licked her feet as gracefully as I was able to do it . Then my Mistress asked if I liked to lick her feet . I answered long Posted by I woke up early and I descended to the cellar . I knew what the problem was , but I had no idea where to repair . My Mistress arrived . After our greeting ceremony , she asked about the progress . I told that I was still searching the solution . She suggested calling for help . One of her friend is a brilliant scripter , maybe you remember , I mentioned him in this blog . I did not want any help . It was my ladder . It was my gift for my Mistress . I became envy . I did not want any help . She ordered me to continue working . I thought silently searching for the root of the problem . It may have seemed that I was sitting lazily . My Mistress looked at me and then she demanded explanation . I trembled . I did not feel her anger , or any emotion in her voice . I apologized for my behavior . At the end , my Mistress allowed me to continue working . She left me in the cellar . When I was ready , I tested it . My Mistress realized that I almost finished . She allowed me to put the ladder in the right place . Then she told me what she did not like in the ladder . According to her opinion , the ladder was too short . So , she ordered me to make it longer . It was not an easy job . I am not a scripter , and math was not one of my favorite lessons . I had not counted the sizes of the ladder and the pose balls . It had just estimated the sizes . Beside it , I had received the ladder texture and I did not know how it would behave when I would change the size . I did not have to make these changes today . My Mistress took me to the hair exhibition . The Hair Fair is placed on four sims and every sim looks like the others . So , if you broke off your tour , then it is very difficult to find where to continue the tour . It would have been luckier to place different signs to help visitors . I did not enjoy the visit as much as I had enjoyed it two days ago . I listen to myself not to fall in love with one of the hairstyles . I gathered free items . I had many free hairs , but I did not try any of them . I did not have much time , so I cut off the tour soon . I received a mail that there would be a class about the usage of RR viewer . I was in hurry to tell my Mistress about it , as it started at the same time with my service hours . My Mistress seemed to be interested in , too , so we went there . It was not a usual class , it was rather a discussion with strong moderation . I did not learn much about the new features . The only interesting feature was the shared inventory folder . The Owner can take off clothes from the slave using this folder . Before going to sleep , I asked my Mistress not to tie me to the wall of the bedroom . I knew that I would wake up early next morning and I wanted to repair the ladder in the cellar . My Mistress chained my ankle cuffs together and she did not bind me to the wall . My Mistress slept much today . I was waiting for her chained to the wall of the bedroom . When she woke up , she allowed me to go to the Hair Fair . She said she had many IMs to answer . I smiled happily . I loved this exhibition . From the other hand , I felt uncomfortable to leave my Mistress . I assured myself that it was better to go . I supposed that my Mistress would call me if she would need me . I arrived and I did not observe any lag . I checked the map and two of the four sims were empty . I guessed that these sims were restarted . I was walking along the different vendors . The hairdressers took their best models here . I found a lovely bun and I got a demo . It looked nice on me . Then I found a wonderful hair . It was long , straight and it left open my forehead . Most of hairstyles come with bangs . They usually look nice . However , I prefer hairstyles without bangs , when my forehead is visible and the hairline is straight . It is very difficult to find such hair and I found one . Unfortunately , it was not free . I got a demo and I walked away . There was huge territory undiscovered . My Mistress finished her work and joined me . She asked if I had found something . I smiled and nodded . She told me to show it to her . It was a bit difficult to go back to the shop and I showed her the vendor proudly . She shook her head and explained why this hair was bad . I listened to her broken . I knew that I would not change my hairstyle . I had known it when I had arrived here . I got to know again that our taste in hairdos were very different . She liked the hair I had been wearing and she had told me many times that I must have worn this hair . I do not like this hair very much . It is not bad , but it is rather average . So , I knew that I could enjoy the vendors at Hair Fair , but not more . Even so , I felt bad . I cannot explain why . I think I lost my interest in Hair Fair and the gifts I had gathered at this moment . We went home , soon . I closed my eyes and I tried to sleep . My Mistress invited me to her working place . There she showed me a table and two chairs around it . She ordered me to sit down . I obeyed . Then I had to stand up and sit down again . She ordered me to repeat motions some times . I was getting tired . My Mistress ordered me to sit down , again . But , at this time , I had to sit on the other chair . I tried and failed . I was unable to sit the selected for me chair . She asked me why I was unable to sit there , where she ordered . She asked me calmly . Her voice was motionless . I tried and failed . I tried and failed . I was unable to answer . I supposed that some script prohibited me to obey . I was sure that my Mistress knew of this script . I remembered when Sir Sleight had ordered me to walk in the stairs . I had known that he had enjoyed it . Now , I knew nothing of my Mistress ' feeling . Her voice did not tell me anything . I felt despaired . I did not know why she forced me to execute impossible . Her voice was emotionless , but I heard it derisory . I tried and failed . I tried and failed . I do not remember how many times my Mistress asked me why I was unable to sit . Once , I answered almost crying that the creator of the chair must have known the answer . Then she ordered me to tell draft of possible solutions . I did . I told ideas . She did not like it and gave an entire explanation . Later , when we went home to sleep , I asked my Mistress to allow me to sleep without handcuffs today , as my shoulders had been hurting . She allowed it and gave me a message on my shoulders . I slept today wearing only ankle cuffs . My Mistress wanted to continue our tour in Hair Fair , but there were so many disasters in SL , flood , earthquakes , hurricanes . You can call these disasters apocalypse ; however , the correct expression is server upgrade in SL . I am sure that survivors , if there will be any , will be happy after the successful upgrade . Maybe they will not use the new useful and excellent features . But , they will have the possibility to use SL , as they did before . If there will be survivors . Yes , I am a bit angry with LL . So , my Mistress decided not to visit laggy places . We had wanted to go to the free surfing place and the fantasy role playing area . My Mistress told me that she had been in the surfing place without me . We traveled to the fantasy place . In the hall of the role playing area , I found proper clothes . They were free and many . However , my Mistress did not like it . She took me to a shop , where she had found free and nice medieval outfits . Unfortunately , we did not find free clothes . Then my Mistress decided to go to sleep , as there were dangerous disasters around us . She did not send me to go to sleep , at this time . I hesitated . I guessed if it was the time to repair the ladder . But , I was afraid of going to the cellar , when there were flood in the sims . I slept in the dark and cold cellar . I did not sleep very well . In the daylight , I had seen some spiders on the walls . During the night , I had woken up feeling as a spider crawling on my naked skin . I had hit myself , but there had been no spider on me . I woke up and I cleaned my hair and clothes from the straw . I heard some nice from the cellar door . The door opened and the light cut its way in the darkness . I closed my eyes trying to protect them from the sharp light . When I opened my eyes again , a hooded woman stood before the door of the cage . She was looking at me silently . I got frightened . Then I remembered that only my Mistress had the key of the cellar door . So , this person must have been her friend . Maybe , she had lent me to her . I greeted the hooded woman . She picked up the hood and I realized that she was my Mistress . My Mistress opened the door and came to me . I greeted her kissing her shining black boots . She allowed me to come out of the cage and then she showed the ladder , I had given her some days ago . She told me that there was a problem with the ladder and she ordered me to repair it . She did not tell me the deadline . I would do it if I would have some free time . Then she leaded me to the rug in her living room . She laid down and opened her legs . I had to kneel between her legs and licking her to the orgasm . I did my best . However , my Mistress told me that my tongue was short and that she would make it longer . She had been saying it many times making me feel fear . When she was ready and I cleaned her pussy and ass , she told me how she would use me in the future . I would wear an xcite hud . She would set her excitement level increasing it if I would do something exciting and decreasing in opposite case . I must check her excitement level all the time , but I would have right to touch xcite pussy only if she would be only one step from her orgasm . I tried to memorize it . Then she told me that we would go to Hair Fair again . I felt so happy . So many wonderful things happened to me this day . This exhibition waPosted by My Mistress sat down in her favorite chair , after the greeting ceremony . She ordered me to lick her legs . She had walked barefoot on the beach , so her legs very covered with sand . I obeyed ; I licked her feet with long , slow motion . Then I leaned lower and turned my head to reach her sole . I gathered sand with my lips ; I felt the sand on my tongue and a bit later in my mouth . I did not dare to spit . I tried to swallow it . The grains of sand scraped my throat . One of my Mistress ' friend arrived and he looked at us . My tongue rubs her skin between her toes . I parted my lift and I would have liked to insert my Mistress ' toe into my mouth , when she suddenly disappeared . It was SL , who prevented me from tasting her toes . In these cases , I usually wait for the return of my Mistress . At this time , I was not alone . My Mistress ' guest talked to me . He is nice person and I usually enjoy his speech . I did so , now , too . During our conversation , I received an IM from my Mistress ' other friend , who worked in the femdom place as a slave . He delivered me a message from my Mistress . The message said that my Mistress had problem to come into SL and she allowed me to have a free day . While , I was reading the message , my Mistress appeared . She stayed with us for a minute and then I lost her again . I decided to wait for her . I thought that a good slave had to wait for her Owner . During the wait , we talked with her friend . We had very interesting conversation . He had been in the caller when I had received my piercing . Suddenly , I asked if he liked it . Yes , I failed again . I apologized , but it was too late ; the mistake was done . I became very sleepy , when my Mistress appeared . She ordered me to lick her feet immediately . I obeyed and I informed you about my mistake . She became angry . She asked her friend if she had to punish me . Her friend agreed . It was a bit strange for me , because I had felt that he had liked this question . My Mistress told me that she would not close me in the stock for this night , as I had admitted my mistake and informPosted by When I woke up , I realized that my girlfriend had sent me gifts from Hair Fair . My heart started beating faster . My Mistress was away , so I started to unpack them . I did it quickly with excitement . I finished unpacking and I wanted to try the first hair , when my Mistress woke up . My Mistress asked what I had done in the morning . I told her of the gifts I had received . She did not seem content . She said that we would see it later . She also mentioned that she did not want me to wear different hairstyle . She liked the hair she had given me . I knew that I would wear this hair . all the time and I had been tried not to think of my other wonderful hairs . But , I would have wanted to see gifts so much . Creag Emmons , the author of the interesting blog called " Two Lives to Live " , sent me the name of a fantasy role playing place via my blog . Thank you , Crag ! I mentioned it to my Mistress . She sent me there to have and LM , but I had to return as soon as possible . Then we went to the femdom place . My Mistress locked all my cuffs and leaded me by the leash . There , we met her friend and they talked for a while , until we had to live . My Mistress sent me a teleport . I arrived and looked around . We were in a furniture shop . My Mistress examined a couch . She lied down and asked me if I could lie near her . I did not answer , just lied down . She answered , " So , you can " . I felt fear . I did not know if I did wrong again . Maybe , I should have answered only . There were many pillows on the coach . Some furniture manufacturer uses pillows as pose balls . I told about it to my Mistress . She ordered me to prove it . How could I prove it ? I did not know this coach . Why did not I take my tongue still ? Cold fear descended from my stomach and grabbed my throat . I tried all pillows ; they did not contain different animations . My Mistress did not punish me . She did not seem to be angry . We visited a shop I suggested to my Mistress . Then we went home . She tried everything she had bought . Before sleeping , my Mistress leaded me to the bathroom . I had to put my head in the toilet and she pissed into my mouth . She ordered me to lick her pussy before she started to piss . When the warm stream fell down , many drops reached my face . My Mistress took breaks , so , I could drink almost everything . At this time , she did not order me to take a shower ; she wanted me to feel the taste of her pee in my mouth all night . Of course , she did not hug me before going to sleep . At weekends , I wake up earlier than my Mistress does . So , I have some free time . My Mistress allowed me to leave the house when she was sleeping . Sometimes , I had used this possibility . But , I knew that I would not go away from her house any more . I wanted to be ready to serve in every minute . I was talking with Sir Bela . Maybe you remember that I had worked for his shop as a model . I made a decision that a slave could not be a model . I knew that he had another model and friend . It was she , who had sent me the LM to Hair Fair . So , I supposed that my decision would not affect on his business . He wanted to talk to my Mistress . But , I explained that this decision was made by me not by my Mistress . When my Mistress arrived , I was very excited . I wanted to go to Hair Fair . I checked the related sims and they were full almost all the time . I realized that one of the four sims was not full . I thought that we could go teleporting there . I greeted my Mistress and she locked my handcuffs behind my back while I was leaning and kissing her feet . Then she told me to go to Hair Fair . I was so happy . I could not describe my excitement . My Mistress told me that we would go to Hair Fair . I smiled like a baby . I tried to teleport and I failed . All sims were full . I did not feel lucky . The SL , after the unsuccessful teleport , put me down on the ground floor . I did not know what to do . Shall I return to my Mistress to the bedroom or shall I continue trying the teleport ? I decided to mix them . I was trying to teleport while I was going back to her . I could move very slowly because of my chained ankles . When I arrived to the bedroom and I could see that my Mistress turning to me , I could teleport . I arrived to the exhibition and I called my Mistress without delay . I was afraid that she would not able to arrive . But she did . I looked around and I could see the huge place and shops in the distant . There was so much lag there , that the one could walk very slowly . After some steps , my Mistress told me to stay in place . She said that I could noPosted by My Mistress was working and she called me to her workplace . I arrived and greeted her . She locked my handcuffs and cuffs on my ankles as well . Then she left me there . I was waiting silently . She did not tell me to be silent and she did not tell me to be frozen . However , I thought that I must have stayed silently . Some minutes later , my Mistress returned to me . She was asking of my thought . She said that I behaved like a robot . She also said that she want me to be a human being and to behave so . I had tried not being a robot . Changing my personality was not easy and it seemed that I had done errors . Of course , I did not want to be a robot . But , I had realized that being a part time slave and a part time girlfriend of my Mistress did not work . My Mistress had treated me well and she had wanted to be her girlfriend , too . She wanted it now , also . But , I knew that she wanted a slave deep in her mind . I knew that she would chide me , if I would argue with her or have different opinion . She wanted a slave and I wanted to be a slave . I thought it was the best for both of us if I behaved like a slave . I had received an LM and a name of a place . The place the name of which I had received was a surfing place . I had never surfed and I was not fun of this sport . I know that my Mistress likes it . It was why I was glad to have this name . The LM showed the way to Hair Fair 2008 . Hair fair is an exhibition and sale of different hairstyles . The exhibition is located on four sims . Let me copy some text here from their note card : " Hair Fair 2008 is a Charity Event for Locks of Love , raising funds for Children that suffer hair loss from illness . The items you purchase here at Hair Fair will go towards helping those Children . . . look out for styles that feature the Donation Displays , as well as the Donation Kiosks and Bandana Stalls on all four sims . " Recently , I had been wearing one hairstyle , but probably you remember how I love hairstyles . I have some favorites in my inventory . I wanted to go to this exhibition very much . My Mistress toPosted by After greeting , my Mistress sat down in her favorite chair and ordered me to lick her feet . I was working on her feet with my lips and mouth , while she was busy with IMs . Then she wanted me to show her role playing places . Maybe you remember , I had visited such places , some weeks ago . Unfortunately , I had deleted my Lms , as I had thought that my Mistress had not been interested in role playing . She wanted to go to fantasy related places . I did not know any of fantasy role playing places . ( In my mind , dragons and magic are far from slavery . ) I offered her to find fantasy role playing area , but my Mistress decided to go to one of the dark cities . So , we visited Toxian city . We were unable to move because of the lag . So , we had no choice , we had to go further . Median city was our next target . We were walking in the city . My Mistress did not like it and we went home soon . When we arrive , my Mistress took off her pants and ordered me to kneel down before her . I obeyed . I felt her excitement ; my face was so close to her horny pussy . I did not dare to move until I received an order . The order came soon and I started to lick my Mistress ' pussy . The waves of excitement ran through my body . I felt as my erected nipples were stroked by my shirt . I usually give pleasure for my Mistress fully clothed . No , not usually . She never ordered me to take off my clothes . My Mistress ordered me to pull out my tongue . I obeyed and licked her clit . My tongue danced on her silky skin . My breath was short in excitement , when I heard my Mistress ' voice . She said that I had short tongue and she would elongate my tongue . These words and the fear I felt blew away my excitement at once . I did not understand how she meant it . I was afraid of body modification . I supposed that it would be painful . But , when I calmed down , I was thankful for this word . I had become excited . It had been allowed before . But , after the personality modification , I knew that I had no right to enjoy it . I continued licking her listening to only my Mistress ' pleasure . When she rPosted by This day was a feast in Hungary . What did we celebrate ? Hmm , it is an interesting question . I have to say that it depends on the current political leader of Hungary . But , anyway , it was a feast . My Mistress told me to put on some not too sexy clothes , as we would go to participate in the celebration and we would watch the festal firework . Unfortunately , the firework area was full . My Mistress leaded me to another Hungarian place , where people were sitting and playing the game called " truth or dare " . It was an interesting game ; I had not known it . We did not participate in the game . My Mistress disappeared and I was standing alone . Some minutes passed and she called me to a club . We danced there for a while . Then we went to watch firework , as some places were set free there . I enjoyed the firework . It was very nice . My Mistress showed me bizarre camping places . I had never seen similar before . The camper must have played the role of beggar or the camper had possibility to search many in public dumpsters . I like humiliation , but I found it disgusting . It was a Hungarian place visited mostly by Hungarian people . I was not sure that other people could do similar with his fellows . During the celebration , I behaved according to my new personality . I was answering , as I supposed my Mistress would have liked to answer . I did not speak much . I always took attention to my Mistress . It was very new experience for me . I realized that I was afraid to talk . I was afraid to move . I never was sure if I did something well . Before sleeping , I had unusual thoughts on my brain . I did not know if I could get into the habit of this fear . My Mistress was sleeping in the morning . She had allowed me to meet my friend if she was away . First , Sir Bela called me . He found a shop where nice skin can be bought . He just showed me the shop and left . I bought demo skins to try them . But I received an invitation from Sir Sleight . I arrived to his location . He was with her friends . We had nice conversation , there . I realized that my Mistress woke up , so , I immediately went home . I greeted her with foot kisses . She sat down and started getting me on for my behavior yesterday . She was sure that I had been lazy or that I had not paid my attention to her , at least I felt so . I argued her very politely , but she put me to silence . She told me that it was better to use my tongue on her feet instead of talking . If you read my blog , than you know that I often have such problem . I was not sure if I had permission to explain my point . At this time , my Mistress told me that I did not have permission to do that . From one hand , I was sad , as our relationship would change . But , from the other hand , I was happy . I knew how to behave in the future . I am a slave and I have to behave like a slave . My Mistress is always right . It changes my personality . I sometimes felt that my Mistress liked my personality and maybe others liked it , too . However , I was a slave and I was ready to change my personality . I felt that my Mistress had been very patient with me , as she had not liked my mind and me . I decided to agree with her every time . I knew that she did not want me to be a robot like slave , so I have to listen to my behavior very carefully . I decided not to do anything about asking for permission . My Mistress told me that she would allow me to visit my friends ; I just would have to ask for it . I nodded , but I knew that I never would ask for such permission . The aim of the slave is to please her Owner . Having fun with others reflects the bad behavior of slave . I hoped that my Mistress would like my new personality . My Mistress ordered me to show all shops I had found during last two says . I hated these days ; searching for these equipments was very boring . Now , I had to visit the selected by me shops again . There were five shops on my list , the best of the shops offering such equipments . We started checking shops . My Mistress lost her interest soon and she started to fly . I could follow her while we were in the buildings . However , it was not easy for me , especially in laggy places . I could see my disappearing Mistress and I tried to determinate the possible direction of her flight . But , she did not fly straight ; she changed her direction and height level during her flight . In the third shop , she decided to go out of the building and she started to fly in an open area . When I am talking of the open area , then I mean that we were outside of buildings . But , there were trees around us . I listened to the smallest motion of my Mistress . But , once , she turned around and started to fly toward me with very high speed . I turned around despairingly , but , I could not see her . I flew around trying to find her . I did not success . Last time , when I had lost her , she had been very angry with me because I had not notified her about it immediately . So , I sent her an IM . She ordered me to go back to the location I had seen her last time . I was in this location . I was searching for her turning around in the air . I could see nobody but trees and buildings . In the end , she appeared before me . She railed me . I did not feel guilty , as it was impossible to follow her . I was sure that she knew of it . She threaten me . She promised me to be punished . I had a feeling that she wanted me to punish . I begged for punishment if she indeed thought that I was guilty . She said that I would be punished later . We continued our tour . In the shop before last , she was standing in front of paintings ; she did not show interest in equipments . In the end , she told me that there was nothing interesting here , but the paintings . She hoped that the next shop would be better . InPosted by I greeted my Mistress with usual kisses on her feet . She sat down in her favorite chair and ordered me to continue . I was licking her feet and she looked at me silently for a while . Suddenly , she asked me if any of my friends were online . Nobody of them was in SL . Then she stood up and descended from the bedroom without a word . I followed her . We went to her neighbor . I guessed what she intended to do . I supposed that she was busy and she would like to lend me to her neighbor . Once , my Mistress had mentioned that her neighbor had asked for my services . I became excited . Treating me as an object made me breathe quicker . It is one of my secret fantasies . Her neighbor was not at home . My Mistress was tired , so , she could not deal with me . She sent me to continue searching for the equipments needed for her job . I was visiting many shops and I could see almost the same equipments everywhere . Of course , there were some small differences in functionality and in prices . I like shopping . I like to watch pretty outfits , shoes and hair . But , searching for the equipments she had ordered me was not enjoyable . It was a real slave labor . After visiting about ten shops , I became very tired and I asked for permission for going to bed . My Mistress did not answer . She had said that she was not available all the time when she had sent me to my shopping tour . I was waiting for five minutes . I did not receive answer , so , I went home and I fell asleep . I hoped that she would not punish me tomorrow . My Mistress showed me what she had done while I had been away . She had done nice work ; it is so pity that I am not allowed to speak of it , yet . Then my Mistress sent me to find some special equipment necessary for her further job . I was roaming among shops until I could go to sleep . I greeted Arta with kisses on her feet kneeling before him in the bedroom . Arta leaned and locked my handcuffs . My shoulder stretched and my bottom lifted higher , as my hands were very close to each other . I took a deep breath and continued rubbing her feet with my tongue . My Mistress told me to kiss her thighs . I lifted my head and my lips reached her silky skin . She grabbed my hair and pressed my head against her pussy moaning in pleasure . I kissed her pussy . I felt her aroma . My mouth touched her wet lips . Arta lifted her leg and placed it on my shoulder . I teetered holding her weight . Her pussy opened and allowed me to reach her better . I parted my lips and stuck out my tongue toward hot pussy . My tongue circled around her lips , moving higher , slightly stroking her clit . Her lovely taste stroked my mouth . She urged me to move quicker . I did . My tongue runs over her lips , once , twice , and then descended into her hot body . I swirled deep in her rubbing her from inside with my tongue and with my piercing . I heard her moans in excitement . I closed my eyes and I felt her better . I felt her aroma floating before my face . I felt her taste tickling my tongue and spreading in my mouth . My Mistress pushed my head and told me to go to the living room . She wanted to enjoy me in position that was more comfortable . She lied down and spread her legs . I lowered and pushed my head before her thighs . My face felt the heat radiating from her fragile body . I worked on her until she reached her orgasm . Then she pushed my head against her body very hard . She did not want to waste any drops of her juice . I swallowed them all . My Mistress turned me on my back and sat on my face . It was difficult to breathe while I was cleaning her pussy . My tongue danced on her lips ; it sometimes drilled into her gathering all her juice . Arta was content with me . She smiled at me with blushed face . She allowed me to change my clothes . I showed some outfits I had to her . In the end , she chose me a lovely one and we went shopping . After shopping , she took me Posted by I have to leave SL for a while . I will return in a week . I do not have enough time to write down what happened to my Mistress and me this evening . Please , return in a week and you will know everything . Some of them asked where my pictures were . You can find them very simple ; just follow the link called My Photos . This link leads you to the Flickr website . To make your job easier , here is the link : http : / / www . flickr . com / photos / niapreez / So , take care and enjoy the wonderful world of SL . Please , do not forget about me . Do you remember that my Mistress bought a bow ? I received a landmark where she would be able to practice with a war puppet . Now , she wanted to visit this place . The war puppet was placed in a Gorean market . You can fight with this puppet with Gorean meter or without it . Gorean meter is a small object , which indicates if you were hit by others . First , my Mistress fought without Gorean meter . The arrows flew toward her rapidly . She could hit the puppet three or four times . Then she decided to fight with Gorean meter . The battle was cruel and very quick . The puppet won , but Arta almost killed it . She fought very well . It was her first try and I was sure that she would win , soon , in the near future . I helped my Mistress . She ordered me to find proper textures , according to her description . I was browsing about a hundred of textures . The result of my work must have been boxes textured with the found texture and named as the name of the texture . This work took my whole day . When I was finished , I prepared 29 boxes . While I was working , a friend of my Mistress arrived . He had started to live in a Gorean city . He spent a little time with us . He had to go to war between two Gorean cities . He said that wars were usual in his city . Warriors usually shot with their bows and the women ran across the battlefield . These were his words . I have never lived in a Gorean city . I do not like wars . I know that battle is part of Gorean life , but I hope that there are more peaceful Gorean cities , too . Arta was busy . I joined her at her working place . She allowed me to go around freely . She showed me how far I had right to go away from her . The point was to stay as close to her , where I was able to hear her commands . So , I received big freedom . When she finished her work for this day , she sat down and ordered me to lick her to orgasm . I did not use my hands . I had learned that she liked if I used only my mouth and tongue . At this time , I did not forget to use the piercing in my tongue . She enjoyed my work on her sensitive pussy . She talked to me much . I did not know if I had to talk with . I decided not to talk to her , as I supposed she want me to use my tongue on her pussy instead of talking . It was interesting that I became very excited while I was licking her . I am still straight . So , I did not understand what was happening to me . I guess , it was because she did not always use me like a sex doll . For what , I am very thankful . She told me that we would choose a day , when I would lick her all the time . I was frightened and excited at the same time . It is not easy to work with my tongue , without my hands , kneeling . I am getting tired . But , the idea that I must lick her nevertheless I feel tired makes me very excited . I have never done similar before . When she reached the top , I licked her as usually . She asked me if I wanted to drink her pee . We had a conversation about peeing and drinking soon . I mentioned her that I had been in the Golden Shower Tower , where I had had to ask foreign people to pee in my mouth . My Mistress wanted to go to this place . We arrived and I felt not very happy . I remembered what I had had to do when I had been here last time . I accept humiliation even in public places . I love to be humiliated in private and in public , too . I still remember the excitement I felt when Sir Bela had sent me to a park and I had had to undress step by step walking in the park . Oh , I had enjoyed it very much . But , my experience in the Golden Tower Shower was different . I served an Owner , not Sir Bela . ( Sir Bela nevPosted by My Mistress was busy with her work . She allowed me to put the running animation into the collar . I was excited . I did it and tried it . She ordered me to run around the working area . I looked at myself running . I became disappointed . The animation was so ugly . Do you remember ultimate romantic movies , when lovers run toward each other in slow motion ? My new animation works the same . My advice to all is not to buy animation for 30L . What a pity that there is no free running AO . We were talking about the AOs . I showed my favorite AO to my Mistress . I knew that she would not like it , as she had not liked it in the past , neither . She ordered me to run a lap around the working area . I started to run from her and I thought that I would run one more lap . Such way , she could look at the AO better . I was mistaken . She shouted at me because of my disobedience . I used to make similar mistakes with my other Owners . I tried to behave for the good of them . I do not know when I will learn not to think instead of my Owners . My job is to obey . How could I dare to decided what is good for my Owners ? Fortunately , my Mistress forgave me . I had to run a lap in opposite direction , as a punishment . Arta then sent me to find doors . She described what kind of door she wanted . According to the description , she wanted the most common door . The first place I found was a very nice shop offering plenty of doors . Oh , I cannot describe how wonderful doors they offer . Before going to find doors , Arta had ordered me to call her immediately , if I found something . I IMed her . She gave me more detailed description of the doors . It could not help me . However , I felt that she was very busy and that she did not want to come to me . So , I returned to my old method of creating note cards with LMs to possible locations . I visited some shops . Two of them were interesting ; the others offered ugly doors . I went to the next location and I could see no doors around . This place was some kind of scripters ' library , not a shop . In a corner , there was a box with sculptPosted by My Mistress called me to join her . She was working hard , as she usually did recently . It was the time to disclose my secret . I had been serving my Mistress for 3 months . I had prepared a small gift to thank her for her time and patient to me . I gave her my packed gift . Recently , I did not have much money , so , I had decided to create a collapsible ladder . I had thought that she could use it in her cellar well . My secret was the ladder . I had worked it in secret , because , I had wanted to make surprise for Arta . My Mistress was kind ; she told me that she liked the gift . However , later , I got to know that she did not want any equipment or furniture , which help people to come out of the cellar . I had had to nose out her will before making such gifts . Next time , I will be more prudent . Arta tried the ladder and she fixed it in the cellar . Then she decided to spend the evening with me . She ordered me to very a sexier outfit , the silks set with jewels . She attached a leash to my collar and I had no idea where we would go . Earlier she had leaded me by leash almost all the time when we left her house . Recently , she had ordered me to follow her without the leash . I love when she leads my by the leash . I love it not because of making easier to follow her , but I like the idea to be restricted . The leash emphasizes my slavery . At least , I feel so . She took me to a femdom place . Here , we met her friend , who I had mentioned in my previous posts . She tried to order her to kiss her feet . She did not succeed . Then we went to to animation shop to buy me a running AO , again . I did not mention that I lost this animation . Arta also had lost all her clothes , what she bought there . Fortunately , shop owners had understood the problem and they resent the clothes . However , one of my friends said that the owner of the shop called " Free style " , did not answer her when she asked for help . She also said that this shop Owner was talking with others and ignored her at all . Fortunately , my Mistress did not buy anything there . Before leaving the femdPosted by My Mistress was working and she called me to join her . While she was working , one of her friends arrived . He wore an interesting collar . First , I did not pay attention to it . Arta and he started to talk . My Mistress tried to persuade him to kiss her feet . She had tried it in the past , unsuccessfully . She had hard luck this time , too . Suddenly , a woman appeared . She wore interesting latex outfit and a bow was attached to her back . She attached a leash to the collar of Arta 's friend . He dropped on his knees to the Gorean position of pleasure slaves . The just arrived woman was not talkative , however my Mistress tried to talk to her . So , Arta continued working and I was standing silently . When the woman with the bow left , we started a conversation . We learned that her friend had become a kajirus , the male Gorean slave . The woman was a Tatrix , the queen of a Gorean matriarchal city . I did not know that such cities existed in SL . We were talking with him while Arta was working . I remembered how I had wanted to go to a Gorean city . I envied him . During the conversation , I realized that we had the same feelings , some kind of mix of fear and excitement . I envied him because of the wonderful experience , which stood before him . It must be very exciting to belong to a Tatrix as a slave . Arta 's other friend arrived , the one who had helped me to create the rotating door . He was playing with me for some seconds . He closed me to a glass sphere and threw it in the sea . He got me out almost immediately , so I was not damaged . It was frightening to be closed in a sphere and to be thrown to the sea . However , I did not count it cruel . * smilesArta asked if I still felt pain in my tongue . Hearing my answer , she decided to go home and to test my tongue piercing . I became excited immediately . I ran home and sent a teleport to my Mistress . She went to the desk and she took off her skirt . I was ordered to kneel down and make her pleasure . I looked at her wonderful pussy and my hands ran over her round butt and tight thighs touching her silky skPosted by My Mistress was busy . She called me to join her . While she was working , I was allowed to IM with my friend . I use the default run animation and it does not look well . I had asked my friends to help me . I received an LM of a shop , where there was cheap running AO . I mentioned it to my Mistress and she allowed me to go . I quickly went to the shop . It was not easy to find the animation , as there were at least ten different AO vendors around . In the end , I found it and after buying , I quickly returned to my Mistress . I checked my inventory . The new animation was not there . The vendor had taken my money . It had sent me the animation ; I had accepted it . But , there was not any new animation in my inventory . My friend had told me that there are good shops around the animation shop . She had mentioned shops offering nice shoes . Of course , I told about them to my Mistress , who liked nice shoes very much . When she finished her work for today , we went to look around there . We found very nice shops . I loved their clothes and jewels . For some time , one of Arta 's friends joined us . He was patient and walked with us through two shops or so . Then he left us alone . Yes , men also have some limits . * smilesMy Mistress bought nice boots . I asked for permission to buy the animation , again . I had not received it , yet . I knew that Linden would not help me , so , it seemed to be the only possible way to get it . We walked and visited almost every shop until late night . We went home , where we met one of Arta 's old friends . We had no time to talk , because my Mistress told me to go to bed . Probably , she realized how I was tired . I closed my eyes and felt asleep immediately . I woke up and I greeted my Mistress in IM . She did not answer me at all . I did not know if she was very busy or she was angry with me . It was the second time that she had ignored me . I saw that Sir Sleight was online . I wanted to go to visit his sim . But , Arta did not answer me . She did not even say hello . I did not dare to disturb her again . I was waiting alone in my Mistress 's bedroom . Most of my friends had left me . I am not angry with them . I am not the best friend . I usually do not have time to talk with anybody . My Mistress allowed me to IM with others . But , it is impossible to listen to my Mistress and talk with others in the same time . So , I usually tell me former friends that I have no time for them . It is no wonder that I am alone . Who wants a friend like me ? I spend more than an hour alone , in the empty bedroom . Then I asked for permission to go to my cushion from my Mistress in IM . She gave permission , but she did not even say hello or bye . I felt alone so much that a stone could have felt in the cold deep space . I woke up very early and I continued my work . It went well . I found solution and I became ready . I packed everything and I went home . I had just arrived , when my Mistress woke up . She wanted to know what I had worked on . She was so kind and she did not order me to tell it . So , I could hold my secret . It was very hard for me , as I felt happy and I wanted to stand on the peak of the highest hill in SL and cry out that I was readyMy Mistress did not like that I had secret . I understood her . But , she was very kind and allowed me to be silent . She allowed me to go to relax to my cushion . My Mistress had promised me a free day . I asked free day because I wanted to finish my secret word . I also wanted to visit Sir Sleight new sim . We had talked about it in IMs and I had become really interested in . I supposed that I would have some time to visit it . My Mistress had ordered me a task to do . I had done it but I had caused much delay in my plans . I could log in later . I wanted to start to work immediately , but Arta had other plans . She called me and I had to see how she worked . Yes , we both were very busy . * smilesI was sitting silently looking at my working Mistress and I knew that I would not visit Sir Sleight today . I hoped that my Mistress would let me go , as she had promised . Half of my time elapsed , when Arta told me that she had to go and I would be free for tonight . You know I love to be together with Arta . I am thankful for every minute we spend together . But , now , I wanted to go so much . I had mentioned that I had had a plan . You must be surprised . What plan can a slave have ? I was interested in Sir Sleight 's sim very much . However , I accepted that I could not go . I was worried of disappointing him . I knew that he wanted to show me it very much . I also was afraid that I would not be able to finish my secret work . When I stayed alone , I started to work without delay . The work was going slow and badly . I received IMs from my Mistress and I had to answer . It took time and confused me in my work . Once , an earthquake kicked me put from the place , where I worked . I already knew that I was not clever enough to do this work . I was on the border of crying . I had headache , which prevented me thinking . I knew that I would not finish my work today . I thought that I would not finish it ever . I decided to sleep and I asked for permission to go home to place . My Mistress ignored me . I did not receive any answer , so I slept away from home this night . My Mistress was sleeping and I had some free time . I was working on something . I cannot tell you more about it , now . But , soon , it will tell you the secret . My Mistress woke up and she wanted to buy a sculpted palm , similar to the one that her neighbor had . She tracked down the creator profile and she found an LM to the shop . When we arrived to the shop , we looked at vendors . Vendors offered something for an unbelievable high price . We had no idea what vendors wanted to sell . We arrived here to buy palms . There were many palms around us , but none of them was set for sale . I wanted to write an IM to the creator , when a police officer arrived . This man was cleverer me , and he read the note card what everybody received at the arrival . According to the note card , this place consisted of eight sims . It was huge , was not it ? We divided sims between us and we started our exploration . Of course , we found nothing . Then we continued searching with the police officer 's helicopter . The result was the same . Later , this kind police officer informed me that the vendors offered equipments for palm creation . Hmm , it was not what we wanted . He also sent me a landmark of the shop where we indeed could buy palms . I could talk slowly , however it caused a little pain . My Mistress was busy with building and she wanted to have sculpt stairs . We went shopping . Arta allowed me some freedom because of the pain in my tongue . I was allowed not to add to the end of each sentences the word " Mistress " . We found some nice stairs , but their price was unbelievable high . After the shopping they , I slept well . * smiles I have submissive nature . I had only a few RL experience as a sub . I would like to know how I can realize my slave fantasies in SL . It is interesting how I can handle if my body and my mind belong to others . |
I 've decided that I want to have the life of one of my pets . They have very little stress and I am there to take care of their every need . They don 't have to worry about the gas prices and how it now costs $ 60 to fill up the car . They don 't have to worry that the prices at the grocery store are going up faster then the price of gas . They have no alarm clock and sleep whenever they want and get up whenever they want . Whenever they " voice " their opinions I listen to what they have to say even if I can 't understand what they are saying . They have preference when we are all sleeping on the bed . I will move my body to make sure they are comfortable . So yes , I want to have the life of one of my pets . I just need a small break from life in general . I need just a couple of days where I don 't have to worry about money , work , still being single and just feeling incredibly lonely . I miss having someone to come home to at night . I miss not having someone call me in the middle of the day just to see how my day is going . It is really hard when I am going through something difficult and I don 't have anyone at home to " process " it with . Yes I am enjoying being single , but there are some days where I really miss having a partner to go through life with . I know one day I will finally find her , but right now I am just feeling lonely and overall kind of blah . I met Meghan my first year at Camp Mishawaka . She was everything I wasn 't . She was outgoing , I was shy . She was a " wild " child , I was the good kid . She knew all about fashion , I knew nothing ( and still don 't ) about fashion . We were perfect for each other and within a couple days were the best of friends . That first year we were in the same cabin together . One of my favorite memories of Meghan is when we had a chipmunk living under the cabin . We found the hole he was coming in and out of and we decorated it . We took 2 toothpicks and made them flagpoles , complete with flags . Everyone else thought we were crazy , but we didn 't care and continued to make things to decorate the chipmunks front door . When we left camp we wrote each other at least a couple of times a month . And every once in a while we were allowed to talk on the phone . Back then talking long distance on the phone was a huge thing . The next summer ( 85 ) we were not in the same cabin , but we continued to be best friends . I still remember getting off the bus that first day and seeing Meghan running when she saw me . That summer was probably one of my best summers of my life . When camp was over that year my Grandma ( Dad 's Mom ) picked me up and I stayed with her a few days . I remember at the time I was upset because I really wanted to ride the bus back to Minneapolis with everyone else . That visit was the first time I had spent any time with my Grandma when it was just the two of us . She lived on a small lake in a tiny town called Outing . It had been a month since I had talked with my parents and when I tried to call the house it said the number was disconnected . I remember thinking that this was strange , but my Grandma reassured me that everything was OK . And when my parents did call later that night I was so excited to talk to them that I forgot to ask why the phone was not working . Three days later when I went home I found out why the phone was not working : my parents had moved while I was at camp . They had been thinking about moving , but I had no idea they didPosted by Today I did something that I never do . . . I took a mental health day . It has been the best day and I can honestly say that I have done nothing . Here are some pictures from my very relaxing day : Watching Bonk sleep has this amazing calming effect . Sophie and I also took a nap : She had been up on the bed and I just went and laid next to her . Sophie does not like to cuddle , so I didn 't get too close to her . It was funny because she kept looking over at me ( without moving her head ) to see if I was still there . I also watched Ben fall asleep sitting up : He was just laying in front of me with his head up , but he kept closing his eyes . So sweet . . . I know the pets enjoyed me being home today , but they all kept giving me this look like , " You have really messed up our routines today . " It has been cloudy all day and we are expecting a lot of rain tonight thanks to Dolly . With all the humidity we have had lately , I wake up to the most interesting designs on my window . The rain is suppose to start right about the time I will go to bed . I love falling asleep to the sound of rain . Now if it would just cool down about 30 degrees , then I would be very happy . In a small town outside of Kansas City , a man went into a Kingdom Hall and committed suicide . When I heard this it made me so sad . They have not said if the man was a witness , but I know he was . I imagine he was disfellowshipped and could not handle the isolation he was suddenly experiencing . You can watch the the segment HERE . I can not explain to you how isolated you feel when you are disfellowshipped . Your entire life is about being a witness and nothing else , so when you are suddenly out there you feel so unprepared . Those first few years after I was disfellowshipped were the hardest time of my life . I had to relearn how to do everything . 4 + years later I still find myself working on the things that most people my age learned twenty years ago . When I hear about an ex - Jehovah 's Witness that has committed suicide , I realize that maybe everyone is right and I really am strong . I have always thought that it was interesting that I was able to go to summer camp as a kid . My Dad was raised going to summer camps , but my Mom preferred to have my brother and I close so she could keep an eye on us . I often wonder about the talks my parents had when they were deciding to send me to camp because I am sure they were pretty heated at times . Not only would I be far away , but I would be gone for at least four weeks and that was four weeks of missing church . I attended 3 camps as a kid and the first time I went away was when I was just 9 years old . In 1982 my parents sent my brother and I to a horse back riding camp in southern Missouri called Camp Zoe . We were only there for 2 weeks , but it was the worst two weeks of my life . I was so homesick and it didn 't help that I hated horse back riding . I have been afraid of horses since I was bucked off one when I was 7 , so sending me to a horse back riding camp was probably not the best thing . Plus I really didn 't have good social skills . I had been very sheltered and suddenly being on my own at 9 was very scary . As you probably guessed I was very happy when my parents came and picked us up . The next summer my Dad wanted to send me to camp again and this time for an entire month . I had a friend that I would hang out with at the lake and she went to a camp in Northern Minnesota and my parents decided to send me there . Just a few days before I left for camp my Mom 's Dad passed away and the day before I left was the funeral . It was a very hard time for my Mom and I remember saying goodbye to her as I left for the airport that morning and she had us both crying . I can only imagine how hard it was for her . This second camp was called Camp Lake Hubert and it was huge . I think there were 25 girls in my cabin and I seemed to get lost in the crowd . The friend from the lake I went with was a year older then me and once we got to camp I hardly ever saw her . Two weeks into the session was visitors day and I was so surprised that my Mom had drove up to see me . I still remPosted by This really has been the weekend for middle of the night calls for me . It all started on Thursday morning when one of my first shift techs called me at 6am . Friday morning I started getting calls at 7am . Friday night one of my techs called me at 4 : 30am to ask me a question that really could have waited until the morning and then this morning I got a call at 3 : 30am . Do you know how hard it is to wake up from a deep sleep and have to be able to make decisions ? Then this morning I got a call at 8 : 30am because there was an emergency situation at work . I jumped out of bed , got dressed and walked Sophie in less then 10 minutes . I ended up staying at work until close to noon . The tech that was there for the incident I took out to breakfast so she could process what happened . This tech told me that I was one of the best supervisors she has had and she also said that most of the techs love the fact that I will come in on the weekend or evenings to help them if a situation comes up . I was always taught that a good supervisor gets out there and works with you and doesn 't just leave you hanging . The last couple of weeks have been very stressful , so it was really nice hearing that this morning . When I got home I was going to go to the pool , but I guess it 's closed today . The complex held a huge pool party yesterday and even had one of those big bouncy things . I prefer the pool to be less crowded when I go , so I didn 't go yesterday . I hope they are treating the pool today because there were a lot of people in it yesterday . This is the first weekend all summer that I have not gone at least one day . I am taking half a day on Friday , so I imagine I will spend most of the afternoon at the pool . Yesterday when I was at Target I found a package of Mini - Marshmallows covered in Chocolate . If you like chocolate and marshmallows , I strongly discourage you from trying them . Oh . My . God . They are so good and so addictive . If you insist on wanting to to them , they are in the aisle with the hot chocolate . I can 't wait to try them in my hot chocolPosted by This morning when I took Sophie out for her walk it was so humid that you could literally see the moisture in the air . It was very " soupy " and down right miserable . I took this picture ( of course after my lens was no longer fogged over ) and if you look through the trees you can see the humidity . My door handle as well as the lock were wet this morning . I don 't remember the last time it was this humid . Since I hate the humidity as much as I do , I have no idea why I stay in Kansas City . Here is Sophie 's best " I am so done with summer " look . She feels better now that she got her haircut , but just like her Mama , she would rather it be snowing outside . This morning I met a couple friends I used to work with . One of them I had not seen since I moved into my apartment and she brought me a small house warming gift . Apparently word is out that I live in a very small apartment : I love this picture . Having grown up in a 5 bedroom house with my own walk in closet and own private bathroom , I am finding that even though I am living in a very small place , I have never been so happy about my home . Last night I was looking through my old camp memory books and got a kick out of some of the pictures of me . You can see in the pictures how truly happy and content I was . I was thinking of doing a couple posts about the times I spent at camp and why I am feeling that for me to truly be happy , Kansas City prbably is not the place for me . It 's no secret that I love my iPod . In fact , I love it so much I named her Penelope . She is always with me , she helps me sleep at night , she helps me get through my workouts , and she makes the drive to and from work not that bad . One of the things I love doing is making new play lists . I love looking back on my play lists and being able to see where I was in life . Tonight I created what I think is my best play list . Do What You Have To : Sarah McLachlanWe Don 't Need Another Hero : Tina TurnerFar and Away : EnyaFollow You Follow Me : GenesisGood Enough : Sarah McLachlanLife In a Northern Town : Sugar LandCalling You : Blue OctoberYou and Me and a Dog Named Boo : LoboWild Child : EnyaThe Best : Tina TurnerAnywhere Is : EnyaI Wish it Would Rain : Phil CollinsFar Away : NicklebackNo One : Alicia KeysGot a Hold On Me : Christine McVieI Love You : Sarah McLachlanViva la Vida : ColdplayWon 't Go Home Without You : Maroon 5Underneath : Alanis MorissetteInteresting list isn 't it ? It seems there is a lot going on in my life . : ) The parking lot at work is horrible . I usually don 't like to go anywhere during the day because I will lose my spot in the shade . Well , last week I had to go somewhere and when I came back one of my co - workers had parked in my spot . I joked with him about taking my spot and he said that he didn 't see a sign saying it was mine . Well , today I found this sign in front of my car : As you will see in the next picture , it 's not exactly a big sign : My co - workers crack me up . Today was a really good day at work . I felt like I got so much done and I just really felt really productive . I love leaving on Friday knowing that I don 't have a pile of stuff waiting for me on Monday morning . No big plans for the weekend . I am having breakfast with a couple friends tomorrow and that 's about it . It 's suppose to be really hot this weekend , so that means I won 't be spending too much time outside . What is everyone else doing this weekend ? Here is what I have done this week : I prayed . I cried . I daydreamed about moving to Alaska . I was nervous . I felt lost . I wished I was at the lake . But was OK with the pool . I wished it was a snowy day . I yelled . I had a headache . I felt embarrassed . I smiled . This is one of my favorite pictures of Ben . To me it looks like he is peaking out to make sure the coast is clear . That 's kind of how I feel right now . I am slowly peaking around the corner and checking to make sure I am OK . When we are faced with life 's challenges I think we learn a lot about not only those around us , but ourselves as well . To say the last month has been a challenge is probably the understatement of the year . I have tried to keep myself above water , but I have had several days where I go under and slowly see the surface disappearing . It 's hard to predict what you would do in certain situations and I certainly was not prepared for this past month . With everything I go through in life I try to figure out what lesson I need to be learning . For the last 29 days I have been trying to figure out what my lesson was suppose to be . I was betrayed on so many levels by someone that I felt was a friend and in just one instant how I dealt with things in the past was out there for so many people to know . I am working on not being ashamed of how I coped with the break - up and my family , but I feel that my choice to share it was stolen . Think about your deepest secret and now think about how it would feel if that secret was suddenly out there in the open . One of the hardest things to do is to forgive someone that has really hurt you . The way I see it , I have two choices : I can continue to be angry with this person and give them the control or I can forgive them and let go and let God . I am choosing forgiveness . A Dogs Purpose : ( from a 6 - year - old point of view ) Being a veterinarian , I had been called to examine a ten year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker . The dog 's owners , Ron , his wife Lisa , and their little boy , Shane , were all very attached to Belker , and they were hoping for a miracle . I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer . I told the family we couldn 't do anything for Belker , and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home . As we made arrangements , Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for 6 year old Shane to observe the procedure . They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience . The next day , I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded hm . Shane seemed so calm , petting the old dog for the last time . I wondered if he understood what was going on . Within a few minutes , Belker slipped peacefully away . The little boy seemed to accept Belker 's transition without any difficulty or confusion . We sat together for a while after Belker 's death , wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives . Shane , who had been listening quietly , piped up , " I know why . " Startled , we all turned to him . What came out of his mouth next stunned me . I 'd never heard a more comforting explanation . He said , " People are born so that they can learn h ow to live a good life - - like loving everybody all the time and being nice , right ? " The 6 year old continued , " Well , dogs already know how to do that , so they don 't have to stay as long . " Remember , if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like : * When loved ones come home , always run to greet them . * Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride * Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy * Take naps * Stretch before rising * Run , romp , and play daily * Thrive on attention and let people touch you * Avoid biting when a simple growl will do * On warm days , stop to lie on your back on the grass * On hot days , drinks lots of water and lie under a shaPosted by It 's hot outside . It 's really hot . I think the high today was 97 and that doesn 't include the heat index ; which I am sure was well in the 100s . Two months from tomorrow is the first day of Fall . The only thing that makes me more excited is December 21 ; the first day of Winter . Since I really don 't have that much to say tonight , I leave you with a picture of my babies . . . . . . . . It 's been a good weekend , at least for me . The pets are another story . Friday night I watched P . S . I Love You and loved it . A friend sent me a txt message during it and I told her I was watching it and I guess she didn 't realize I had not finished the movie yet because she asked how I liked the end and then said what happened . Ha ! Saturday I worked for a couple hours , ran a couple errands and then came home and did nothing . Well , I did nothing after I worked out . Speaking of working out . . . . I lost 3lbs this past week . Yay ! ! Only 47 more pounds to go . : ) Yes I had a great weekend , but my pets did not . Let 's recap : Friday AM : In my frustration with other things I yell and curse at Sophie . I feel guilty all day long . My guilt caused me to stop and buy her a new toy , she got a car ride to the convenience store and part of my dinner . All was well again . Saturday AM : I take Sophie to the groomer and she is furious with me . I had a hard time getting her to get in the car and ended up losing my patience with her again . While she is at the groomer I feel guilty and stop and buy her a can of moist dog food . We make peace again Saturday night after she shares my dinner . . . again . Saturday PM : I buy Ben a collar with a bell so I can hear if he is by the door when I leave . When I put the collar on him he starts thrashing around and gets his bottom teeth stuck in the collar . Thankfully the collar unlatched before he broke his jaw . After a few hours he decides I am safe again only to find out I was hiding the collar . I put it on him and he runs under the bed where he will spend the next two hours . I finally lure him out with the laser pointer . Peace was made when we went to bed and he curled up next to me laid his face on my hand . I think everyone in my house hopes this week is better then last week . * Picture of my Citronella candle Someone is not happy . . . . . But notice that the bell from the collar . I made it a lot tighter and he has not messed with it . He 's had it on for an hour and he has been under the bed for the last hour pouting . Oh , and see that red thing in the picture . . . . . that is the plastic ring that comes off of the litter bucket . Why is it I spend money on toys for them when they would rather play with big pieces of plastic ? Someone got a haircut today . Isn 't she adorable . I know she feels a lot better , but I know going to the groomer is kind of traumatic for her . Look at those eyes . . . . Yea , she will probably be getting some of my dinner tonight . Do you remember a few years ago when I lost Ben for a week ? Not knowing where he was for an entire week was horrible and it was one of the worst weeks of my entire life . Well the last few days Ben has been trying to get outside so when I was out today I bought him a collar with a bell . Brady had one because he was always wanting outside . When I got home I tried to put the collar on Ben . Oh my God , you would think I was trying to kill him . He somehow got his bottom teeth stuck in the collar and started freaking out more . Do you guys have any suggestions for getting him used to the collar . I don 't want to risk losing him again . I am pretty confidant that Bonk can not hear at all . This morning she walked past me and I called her name and she just kept walking . Normally she stops when she hears her name . I then gave them a can of moist cat food and she normally comes running when she hears the can being opened , but she didn 't budge from the bed . Overall , she is doing pretty good for a 21 year old cat . She still loves to play : And most days I am pretty sure she is more active then 7 year old Ben . Oh my gosh , I am so happy it 's Friday . It 's been such a stressful week and by last night I was feeling so stressed and anxious that I had a small breakdown . I ended having to call a couple people including Lynilu to get myself to calm down . Lynilu is so wonderful because she has this calming affect and when she tells me it 's going to be OK , I believe her . I can 't imagine my life without her . When I got up this morning I was still feeling kind of stressed and anxious and as I was leaving Sophie kept getting into the cat food . I did something that I never do . . . I yelled and cursed at her . She stopped and just sat down . I felt guilty all day long . On my way home I stopped and bought her a new stuffed toy as a peace offering and she has gotten lots of treat tonight . I think she has forgiven me . I took last night off from working out since I was so tired physically and emotionally . Here is my workout from today : It 's not my best workout , but it 's still pretty good for being the end of a long week . Is it weird that I can 't wait to work out now ? This machine is right in front of the machine I work out on . I know I am totally acting like a teenage , but this really makes me giggle ? Last night right before I went to bed I read the obituaries ; as I do everyday . Every time I get close to the M 's I kind of hold my breathe because I am worried that I will see that one of my parents has passed away . Well , last night I read that my late Grandma 's ( Mom 's Mom ) husband passed away on Sunday . F became part of our family in 1985 when he married my Grandma . My Grandpa had passed away two years earlier and I loved the fact that my Grandma found someone . F was such a sweet and gentle person . And he was so good to my Grandmother . Whatever my Grandma wanted he got for her . For their honeymoon he took her to New Zealand because she had always wanted to go there . When F and my Grandma got married I was told that didn 't have to call him Grandpa and I could call him by his first name if that made me feel more comfortable . I always did call him by his first name , but I know he looked at us kids ( 5 including my cousins ) as his Grand kids . When I got married he said to me , " I know I have only been your Grandpa for ten years , but I love you very much . " I really didn 't know my Mom 's Dad and have always referred to him as my Grandpa , but now that F is gone I wish I had called him Grandpa because he was exactly that . . . . my Grandpa . I know that is something he would have really wanted . I am also sad that I was not notified by my family . Just a few weeks ago I read in the obituaries that my Great Aunt passed away . I know my family doesn 't want anything to do with me , but I would appreciate if someone would let me know if someone passes away . The Memorial Service for F is on Saturday . I know I would not be welcome if I went , but there is still part of me that thinks I need to say goodbye to my Grandpa . Here is another picture I took last night . If you click on it you will see the green in the trees . By putting the camera on night scape and then moving the camera as I take the picture makes these kind of pictures . I can 't wait to do more pictures like this . I have a lot going on at work right now and I have been feeling stressed . I am having to deal with some tech issues and I get so frustrated sometimes . Some of the techs don 't seem to understand that I just want them come to work ( on time ) and just do their job . Really , how hard is that ? And some of them are so rude to me . Do they understand that I pretty much work 24 / 7 or the fact I come to their defense with other employees ? I guess it would just be nice if every once in a while they said " hey , thanks for all the work you do for us . " A girl can dream I guess . : ) I " ll have to make sure to tell my boss tomorrow , thanks for all the hard work you do . They are in the process of repaving the parking lot in my complex and it really is a cluster fuck . I had to make sure that my car was moved by 8am otherwise they would tow it . They literally had tow trucks waiting to take away the cars that weren 't moved . I wanted to wait around this morning to see how many they towed , but I had to get to work . Tonight I had to park about 1 / 2 mile away and then walk to my apartment and try not to cross the street and get tar all over my shoes . It was an adventure just getting to my apartment . It 's just weird going outside because with no cars around it seems like a ghost town . Here are some pictures : It 's so quiet . I discovered a new way to take pictures at night and this picture is the result of that . This was a picture of the trees in front of my house with the little bit of daylight that was left . Pretty cool , huh ? I have not seen my therapist in more then a month , but a couple weeks ago when things were kind of rough , I made an appointment for this Friday . Since things have cleared up a little I had decided to cancel my appointment . Well , I got an email from my therapist saying that he is moving to Springfield next month . Even though I don 't see him on a regular basis anymore , my first thought was panic . I don 't plan on finding another therapist because I feel like I am handling things pretty good , but it was still a comfort knowing he was there if something came up . I am thinking about taking half a day on Friday . Little things at work have been stressing me out and I think I just need an afternoon where I lay by the pool listening to my iPod . Although I imagine I will work out before laying out at the pool . A week ago when I started working out again I told myself that I would work out every other day and well , that lasted about 10 hours . I ended up working out Friday and Saturday and took Sunday off . I worked out Monday and Tuesday and I had planned on taking tonight off , but I will probably work out . I don 't think it would be a bad thing if exercise became my new addiction . Is anyone else watching Tori & Dean ? Can I tell you how much I love this show and how much I love Tori Spelling . She is just about the cutest thing out there . Her relationship with her Mom is very similar to the one I have with my Mom . It 's interesting watching someone that feels the same way as I do . This is one of my favorite views from work . Today I was feeling kind of blah about a couple things and decided to go back and see what I was doing a year ago . As I was reading my posts from last July , I realized how much I have changed in one year . When I first came out to my parents , one of the things my Mom said was , " You have changed from the Caroline we know . " I used to argue with her and tell her that I hadn 't changed and I was the same Caroline they have always known . But the truth is , I had changed . I seem to be on a roll in making positive changes in my life and it really gets me thinking about how different my life will be a year from now . Who knows . . . I might just have a wife and kids . * I am ready for summer to be over . Yes I love laying out by the pool and getting tan , but I would much rather it be fall or winter . I am ready for those evenings where you can leave the windows open . And of course I am ready for the holidays . I can 't wait to decorate my apartment this year . * My DVD player is not working . I can 't just go out and buy another DVD player since this one came with the surround sound . The speakers work fine , but it 's not reading the discs . I really miss listening to music in the mornings and now I suddenly see 5 movies that I would love to rent . * I came across this Saturday morning : All Jehovah 's Witnesses carry this card so they do not receive a blood transfusion . The first 31 years of my life I carried this in my wallet . You were not suppose to go anywhere without it ; even if you were just walking down the street . As much time as I spent being taught the ways of the witnesses , you would think I would know why they don 't accept blood . Really , I couldn 't tell you . * I went to the dentist today to have my crown put on and for a cleaning . The dental hygienist did mention that my gums looked a lot better . She was so excited when I told her that I quit smoking . Hearing her tell me what it was doing to my gums today has helped me to really see the damage it was doing to me . It was also nice to have someone that doesn 't even know me get so excited about me quitting smoking . * I have gone back and forth about having a baby , but in the last couple of months I have felt this real desire to have a baby . I don 't know if it is because there are like 3 people at work that are pregnant and several others that are trying , or maybe it 's because I am finally ready to have a child . When I used to think about having a family , I always saw me as the one carrying the baby . I think I always worried about bonding with a child that I did not give birth and I think a lot of that is because of my relationship with my own Mom . A few weeks ago I realized that just because I don 't have the best relationship with my Mom doPosted by It 's been a good weekend and here 's why : Someone got a new toy . Lots of sunshine . . . . . . . . after a rainy Saturday . My complex has so many stray cats . I have done real well in not getting attached to them . . . . . . . . . . . until this weekend . How in the world can I say no to these two cuties ? One of my neighbors named the cat in the bottom picture Cally . Cally is pregnant . . . . again . After she has this liter I may take her and get her fixed . I know there is a place in town where I could get her fixed for very little money . It 's also been a good weekend since I did not smoke and that makes me very happy . How was your weekend ? Posted by When I first started this blog it was because I felt lost in the world and didn 't know where I fit into the world . After taking several years off to get to know the real Caroline , I think I have finally found my place in the world . I hope you will tag along so I can share with you all the wonderful little things in my life . I now live at the top of the world ( literally ) and I love the view from here . |
Harper was putting the slipstream back together , and talking to himself . He said , " Damn slip stream . Stupid Clarissa . What a bunch of creeps . It 's not good enough to share fifty - fifty , even though we found the deserted ship first . No , now they want all the good stuff for themselves . Sabotaging my poor Maru 's slipstream so we can 't get away . It 's okay baby , I 'll fix you up . Don 't worry about a thing . With Harper on the job , you 'll be running in no time . Of course if I had a neural port , you might have been up and running half an hour ago right after they started firing on us . Does Becka listen to me when I tell her how useful a neural port would be ? No , it 's always " Maybe when we 're not so busy " or " Can 't you see I 'm working " or my personal favorite " We need to check it out more and make sure it 's safe enough for you . Becka shouldn 't have agreed to share the loot anyway . I mean did she really think the crew of the Clarissa could be trusted ? We should have just blown them out of space . I sure " The Maru shook again as the Clarissa came around the meteor they 'd been hiding behind . Harper put on the last piece of the slipstream , and turned it on . Harper said , " As a matter of fact , I think you should stay where you are , and go to slipstream , ' cause it 's fixed . " Becka went to slipstream , and got away from the Clarissa easily . By the end of the day they had sold the salvaged parts from the vacant ship , and they were playing a game of cards in the mess hall when Harper decided to bring up his neural port again . This time , he decided to try a less direct approach . Harper said , " Hey Becka , we don 't have any jobs lined up for the next two weeks , right ? " " That 's great Becka ! I 'm sure it 'll be safe . They do hundreds every year . And while I 'm recovering , you can go look for work . I really do believe we 'll be able to find work there . " Harper had nothing nice to say to that , and for once he kept his mouth shut . Becka said , " And if I tell you that you can 't get one , you 'd better stop telling me every day how much better each job I give you would be if you had a neural port . I 'm already tired of it . " Becka disliked Newmars before they even landed . As they approached the planet , the Maru was hailed . A male voice said , " Welcome to Newmars . Please state your business , your ship 's id number , the number of crew members , and the captain 's license number . " Becka said , " We 're here to look for work , and to get information about neural port surgeries . The ship is a cargo class number 593 . The crew is two members , and I 'll have to go find my license to get the number . " Becka went to find her id . As she was headed to her room , Harper came out of the little room he liked to call his workshop . Becka thought it looked like piles of junk with a table and tools in the middle , but since Harper always got stuff fixed when she asked , she didn 't say anything about it . Harper said , " Hey boss , I heard the hail , do you have a license ? " Becka said , " Well I have a fake one . I never got a real one , because my father and uncle built this ship away from the main systems . Then when I got old enough , he helped me get a fake one . He thought it was safer not to let the main systems have your real information . " Becka said , " I hadn 't thought about it , but yes you will . I 'll show you what mine looks like , and you can try to make one for yourself before we land . Your home planet can be Louties . For most people I would say use your real first name , and change your last name on the fake id , but since you usually use your last name as your first , I would say keep that and add a different last name . " Soon they both had identification that was good enough to pass normal inspection . As soon as they landed , a woman met them at their ship and said , " Welcome to Newmars . Please follow me , and we can get your paperwork ready for your stay . " After a half an hour of filling out forms and having someone look through their ship , Becka was almost fed up enough to just leave . Harper looked at Becka and could see she was tense all over . He said , " Thanks so much for coming here for me Becka . Now that we 're done with paperwork , can we go to the medical center , and try to get an appointment ? " " Yeah , that would be really smart what with you having a doctor 's appointment tomorrow . And let 's not even mention that the drinking age on Newmars is 25 . " " Okay , okay , so what should we do now ? " " It 's okay Harper . I know this means a lot to you , so I 'm willing to put up with the bull for a week or two . But if you don 't get the surgery , I want to leave tomorrow . " Harper nodded his head and said , " Yeah . I didn 't know any of the planets still had this much order to them . It kind of freaks me out . Even being overrun by Nietzscheans seems less horrible . " " So , I guess if you do get the surgery , and I 'm here for a week or two , I 'll look for work that I can do here and that I can finish in a day or two . Like maybe helping to repair ships or something . And I guess if I can 't find work , I 'll spend my time with you at the medical center . I think for now we should just go back to the Maru and relax for the rest of the day . I am so tired of red tape , I want to shoot something . " " Sounds good to me boss . The relaxing part not the shooting part that is . Well , come to think of it , that doesn 't sound too bad either . " In the morning they went to meet the doctor . Becka and Harper were shown to the doctor 's office . Soon a man came in and said , " Hello , I 'm Dr . Jacob , my assistant Trance will be with us shortly . " Everyone sat down , and Harper said , " I want to get a neural port . Becka here wants all the details on the surgery . If the details all meet with her approval , I 'll want to schedule an appointment to have the surgery as soon as possible . " Dr . Jacob said , " All right , but before we get started , I need to know how old you are . I didn 't pay attention to your age when I was going over your information . But you look younger than I expected , and we won 't put a neural port in a human under the age of sixteen . " The doctor said , " Good . Okay , I 'll go over some basic information . First off , the surgery takes about four hours . Then the recovery time in the hospital is a minimum of five days , but we suggest seven days . You should feel like yourself again around the third day . We need to keep you under observation for five days , because your body can reject some of the circuitry , and it can start to deteriorate without you feeling it . Then if you try to use the port , it can do some serious damage to your brain . We 've never had a case of the body rejecting the wiring after the five days is up , but we just feel it is safer with seven days . Any questions so far ? " " Okay . During the recovery time , if your body starts to reject the wiring we 'll do an immediate surgery to take that neural port out . At this point you would have two options . We could try one more time with a new neural port , or we could just patch you up , and send you on your way . Now for some statistics so you have an understanding of what the likelihood of all this is . I have been in this hospital for seventeen years . In that time we have done thousands of these surgeries . I have known of eight patients whose bodies rejected the wiring . Only one of them was human . Of those eight , five had a new neural port put in , and of those five , only two of them had their bodies reject the wiring a second time . The human was one of the patients who had a second one put in , and the second one worked for him . We have had three patients die while in surgery , and none of them were human . All in all , it 's a fairly safe procedure that has been perfected over time . Any questions now ? " Dr . Jacob said , " Harper will have a headache for the first two days , and his neck will be swollen and sore . We 'll be medicating him during this time , or he would have a debilitating migraine . He might have a slight headache for a day or two after that , but most people don 't . Then the only time he should have pain , is when the neural port gets bumped , or used improperly . " When Harper saw Trance the first word that came to his mind was beautiful . He had no idea what species she was . Her skin had a slight lavender color to it . Her short hair was blond and managed to be both spiky and puffy at the same time . Her ears came to a point on the top . She had big eyes , full lips , and she was smiling in a way that made her whole face look radiant . She had a human female form , with the addition of a long tail . Dr . Jacob said , " This is my assistant Trance . Trance , this is Mr . Harper Smith , and his friend Becka . " Trance looked at Harper who was staring at her . The silence lasted for a couple of seconds until Becka nudged Harper . He tore his eyes away from Trance to look at Becka . Becka was looking at him expectantly and he realized what the problem was . He looked back at Trance and stammered . " N nice to meet you . " Trance nodded and said , " Usually about the third day of recovery time , we start training sessions . We generally have two sessions a day , and they last for about an hour to an hour and a half each . You will learn how to use the neural port safely , and how to keep from hurting yourself . If you decide to do the surgery , I 'll be overseeing your training program . " Harper couldn 't believe his luck and just nodded his head . Becka said , " How in depth are the training sessions ? I mean , Harper is the engineer for my ship , and sometimes he has to fix things quickly under pressure , so do the training sessions just go over some basics , or do they go over real life problems and solutions ? Trance said , " There are various simulations that we do to get people ready for problems that they will encounter in real life . All the simulations are in a controlled environment on a computer system that can be disconnected from the rest of the network in case of trouble . " Harper said , " That 's all the questions I have . We 've been looking into this for a while now , and I 've read all about the surgery and the risks . I guess Becka and I need to talk alone for a few minutes before I decide . If I do decide to get it done , when could I get it done ? " Dr . Jacob said , " Well if you decided to do it , then we could take some blood samples , and some brain scans today . We should have all the results from those by tomorrow morning , and then we could do the surgery that afternoon . The surgery has to be done within twenty four hours of the brain scan . " Trance said , " We should give you some time to talk . If you 'll follow me , I 'll show you to another room where you can be alone . When you 've made a decision , just open the door , and someone will be with you shortly . " Becka and Harper got up and followed Trance to another room . He couldn 't stop staring at her tail while they followed her . It looked to him like a cat 's tail with no fur . He liked the way it swayed while she walked . They got in the room and sat down . As Trance was closing the door she said , " I 'm sure you will make the right decision . " Harper looked Becka in the eyes and said , " I really want to do this . I 'm aware of all the risks , and I am willing to take them . It will make me useful for the rest of my life , no mater how old or feeble I get . What do you think ? " Becka said , " I don 't like the idea of it as much as you do , but I think we 've looked at all the information , and I think it 's safe enough . If you still want to do it in the morning , you can . " Harper , who was sitting next to Becka on a couch , reached out and hugged Becka . He said , " Thanks Becka . " Harper went and opened the door . Trance was standing in the hall a few doors down , and smiled at him . She said , " Well that was the quickest decision we have ever had , and I know it was the right one . " Over the next couple of hours they did all the preliminary work on Harper , and got things set up for the surgery . The next day they got up and puttered around the Maru until it was time to go to the hospital . On the way , Becka said , " Are you sure about this Harper ? You know you can still back out if you 've changed your mind . " At the hospital Becka stayed with Harper while they got him ready for surgery . Trance came in and put an IV in to start to put him to sleep . Once Harper was out , a couple of orderlies came to take Harper to the surgery room . Trance showed Becka to the waiting room and said , " Don 't worry Becka , Harper is going to be fine . " After four long hours Trance came back and said , " It 's over , and it went very well . If you want to come with me , you can see Harper , but he won 't be awake for a few hours yet . Becka followed Trance , and went to see Harper . He was lying in bed with a big bandage on his neck . Becka thought he looked very pale and young . To her surprise , Trance sat down next to her and said , " So , what 's your story ? " Becka was all for honesty , but she didn 't like to share personal stuff with people she just met . It could be dangerous . She said , " I own a cargo ship , and Harper is my engineer . " Trance looked disappointed for a second . Then she smiled and said , " I 've been working in this hospital for about four years now . It 's really nice to be able to help people . The society I grew up in valued helping others above most other things , so I decided to try working in a hospital . I enjoy it for the most part . " Trance paused for a minute like she expected Becka to comment . Then she sighed and said , " For the rest of the day , and tomorrow , Harper is going to be in considerable pain even though we 're giving him pain medication . We 'll be letting him rest during this time . It 'll help his recovery if he eats , but most patients feel sick , and don 't eat much . Then the day after tomorrow we 'll start with some training . The reason I asked about you and Harper , is because he 'll be needing support , and we 're all pretty busy here , so if you are able to , it would be good if you could visit him pretty often in the next two days . " Harper woke up about two hours later . Becka was sitting in the chair next to him reading a book . She smiled at him as he groaned . She pushed the nurse button , and said quietly , " How are you feeling Harper honey ? " A nurse came in to check Harper 's vitals , and put a new IV up . For two days Harper lay in bed and tried to ignore the pain . Becka spent most of her time with Harper reading to him , or just sitting with him . On the third day the pain lessened , and the training sessions started . Harper knew he had made the right decision the first time he jacked in . It was the most exciting thing he had ever done . He even thought it was better than surfing . Harper had always been interested in electronics and how things worked even when he was very little . Seeing the computer from the inside gave him a new perspective , and he knew once he saw the Maru from the inside he would have a greater understanding of how the ships parts and functions all worked together . During the three days following that , Harper had a training session every morning and every night . Trance and the other hospital staff were quite surprised at how quickly Harper learned to use his neural port , and they were amazed when he beat all the previous records for completing the simulations . Because he could finish them so quickly , he was able to go through more simulations than any other patient they had ever had . Becka had tried looking for work as soon as Harper was well enough to start his training sessions , but after one day of that , she decided it was hopeless and spent most of her time in the Hospital . Becka and Trance sat in on all of Harper 's training sessions , and Becka slowly warmed up to Trance . Trance said , " I think you 're ready to try this in the real world Harper . It isn 't normal , but I 've gotten clearance from the hospital to try something different with you because of your test scores on the simulations . Maybe you 'll even help us out . One of our ambulance ships isn 't working like it should . It 's systems will seem pretty simple compared to a starship , so you should be able to find your way around it pretty fast . Hopefully you can get it working at full capacity again . " Harper said , " Lets do it now . I 'm ready for more . " Trance said , " No Harper . It 's important when the neural port is new , to only use it for two or three hours a day . Probably for at least the first month you should keep it under three hours a day . Also every seventh day or so , you should take a break , and not use it at all . After the first month it 's okay to slowly increase the time you spend in the computer , but you should never do more than five hours a day , and you should always take at least one day off every seven days . " Harper thought to himself ' That sucks , and of course Trance would have to say this in front of Becka . ' He pouted a bit and said , " Okay . " Becka saw the pout and thought ' Well , this is going to be a struggle . ' That night Harper had a great time jacked into the hospital 's ship . He was able make it run much better after just half an hour . It made him very anxious to explore the Maru . On the seventh day , Becka arrived in the morning after Harper had eaten breakfast , and soon Trance joined them . Trance explained that today they would be doing the full work up on Harper again . They would be checking his blood and doing scans and tests . Harper groaned and said , " Yuck . " " Yes , but we always make people rest on the last day they stay with us . Mostly because all the testing you 'll have today is stressful , but also because the hospital found out long ago that patients don 't usually follow our advice about resting . We used to let people jack in every day they were here if things were going well , but many people didn 't rest after being released from the hospital . Then after a few weeks of jacking in every day , they would be back here with complaints of headaches and pain . " Harper didn 't react well to this news . He crossed his arms and clenched his jaw . He frowned and said ; " Well that 's just great ! Now I get a nice relaxing day full of annoying tests with nothing good to look forward to . Perfect . " Becka had transported people before , and she didn 't think it was too bad . They were more trouble than cargo , but usually paid better too . She said , " Let me meet the person , and then we can talk about price if I decide to transport them . " Trance said in a rush , " I would really like to try something new . I 've been thinking about leaving Newmars for a while now , and I 've enjoyed spending time with you and Harper . I would pay you of course . " Trance said , " Well I think I 've done all that I can working here . I 've gained many skills here that will enable me to offer my aid to others , but all the people who come here are well off , and have plenty of other ways to get help if we didn 't help them . I want to help people who really need me . I haven 't been to any of the outer planets , but I 'm sure there are people in need of medical attention , or in need of some other kinds of assistance , and riding with you would be a good way for me to find those people . " " I 'm gonna need to think about it for a while . As I 'm sure you 've noticed , Harper and I are pretty much like family , and while we would have no problem transporting someone for a couple of days , having someone around for a longer period of time would be a big change . I 'll talk to Harper and let you know our decision by tomorrow morning before Harper checks out . " By the time dinner was being served , Harper 's testing was done , and he was truly glad it was over . Becka was in his room waiting to visit and talk to him about Trance . Harper perked up even more when he saw Becka . He said , " Hey , how was your day ? Mine sucked . " Harper said , " I think that sounds great . I like Trance . She 's been really nice to me , and it would be helpful to have a medical type person aboard if one of us gets sick or injured . What do you think ? " Becka said , " Yeah , I agree . It may only be for a little while . There are plenty of places she could be very useful because of her medical knowledge , and she 'll be paying us to stay aboard . And come to think of it I like her too . " They both smiled and Becka was about to leave when Trance came in somewhat abruptly and said , " I heard from several people that you were grumpy today . Is your head hurting ? All your tests came back normal , but if you don 't feel good , we may need to do some more testing . " He thought ' this is not good ' and said , " No I feel fine . " Trance looked at him and said with concern in her voice , " Are you sure you 're feeling okay . At least five people said that you were mean or abrupt with them today , and they all thought something was wrong with you , since you 've been so nice to everyone the whole time you 've been here . You really need to be honest if anything is hurting . " Harper blushed and said ; " Nothing hurts . " Harper thought about his day . He had been unhappy , and he had been extremely unpleasant to the people around him . He hadn 't really thought about the possibility that the hospital staff would tell Trance that there might be something wrong with him . He thought they might complain amongst themselves , and maybe even tell Trance he had been unpleasant , but he hadn 't counted on them being worried about him . Becka was looking pretty mad now . Harper looked at her and his stomach started to twist a bit . He swallowed hard , and heard Becka say , " Trance , can you give us a minute alone please . I 'll come open the door when we 're done . " Harper hung his head and shook it no . Becka sighed and picked up the note pad and pencil that were beside the bed . She wrote something and said , " Well Harper , there are a few hours before you need to go to sleep , so I want you to go find each of the people you were mean to and apologize to them . Don 't you shake your head at me mister . If you don 't know who someone was , then Trance can help you find the person . Then after that you will write this for me fifty times before you go to bed tonight . " Harper looked at the paper Becka handed him . It said , ' I will not be mean to people just because I am in a bad mood . " He said , " This isn 't fair . I hate tests . " Becka said , " If you don 't do it , then you and I will have a little ' talk ' about your behavior when we get back to the Maru . I don 't like to hear from other people that you were being obnoxious and acting like a ten - year - old . Have I made myself clear ? " Becka cleared her throat and gave Harper a look that clearly meant ' Try again ! ' Harper still had his arms crossed and looked down while he said , " I 'm sorry I was mean to everyone today . I just was really unhappy about the tests , and I took it out on everyone . I really do feel fine . " Trance smiled and said , " That 's okay Harper . I know the testing can get tiring . I 'm glad to know you 're okay . I 'll let everyone know you 're fine , and tell them not to worry . " Harper smiled and started to say ' That would be great . ' Then he looked at Becka and he could tell she was serious about him apologizing . He said , " Actually Trance , I feel bad about today , and I would really like it if you could take me around to everyone so I could apologize in person . " Becka rolled her eyes while Trance was looking at Harper . Becka could tell that Trance would be no help keeping Harper in line if she came with them . Becka interrupted , " I think it would be good for Harper to apologize in person . He feels really bad about it , and it will make him feel better . " While Trance was looking at Becka , Harper rolled his eyes back at her . He could tell that if Trance came with them , Becka would be just as bossy as ever , but Trance would be a push over . Trance smiled and said , " Well okay then . " Becka walked over and kissed Harper on the forehead before saying , " I 'm going home for the night . Try to get some rest , and I 'll be back tomorrow morning to pick you up and take you home . " Trance showed Harper to all the people that had worked with him that day , and he was truly embarrassed at the amount of affection and understanding they all gave him . They all forgave him easily , and told him they understood how horrible all the testing could be . Harper felt much worse by the time he got back to his room . He realized after the first couple of apologies that the people he had been mean to were really very nice , and he had made them feel bad for no good reason . He hated it when Becka was right . He picked up the note pad beside the bed , and started to write lines . By the time he was done he felt a little better , but he was still upset that Becka had made him do it . He sat and thought about how much his day had sucked . He thought , ' I had to do the horrible testing all day , and then Becka got mad and embarrassed me by making me apologize to everyone . Then on top of everything else , I had to write lines . What 's that about anyway ? What a huge waste of my time ! This has been an abysmal day , and I didn 't even get to jack in . Rest every seven days my ass . We 'll just see about that . ' The more Harper thought about it the more angry he got . He was really tired of everyone telling him what to do . He thought ' I 'm a responsible adult even if Becka can 't see it . I was taking care of myself for a long time before she came along , and I don 't need her looking after me now . I know what my body can handle . I 'll jack in any time I want to . She just doesn 't need to know about it . In fact I could jack in right now . ' Harper knew the training room wasn 't used at night , and the more he thought about it , the more he wanted to go play in the computer . He figured he had ' rested ' all day , and he conveniently overlooked the fact that all the testing had been stressful , and that he was feeling tired . He decided to go jack in for just a little while . He knew the night was slow in his area of the hospital , and no one would come to check on him for about two hours . He found it was pretty easy to sneak out and get to the training room . He sat down and jacked in . Harper was having a good time . He had been in for about half an hour when someone he didn 't know came in the room . The woman said , " You 're Harper right ? " Harper knew that couldn 't be good at all . As he pulled the connector out of his neck Trance and a large male orderly came into the room . For a couple of seconds they all just stood there looking at Harper while he looked around for an escape like a trapped animal . Harper noticed that the orderly was one of the people he had apologized to a while ago . Harper gulped . Trance and the orderly looked really angry , and he knew he couldn 't say anything to defend what he had done . He eventually looked down , and waited for someone else to say something . Trance said , " Kyle will you please escort Mr . Smith back to his room , and see that he stays there . " Harper felt a massive hand on his arm pulling him towards the door . He said quietly , " I can walk myself . " Trance said , " I 'm sure you can , but I guess we can 't trust you to go back to your room without a babysitter . " Harper decided he needed to re - evaluate his opinion of Trance . Maybe she wouldn 't be as easygoing as he thought she would be . He went with Kyle without further comment . Kyle took Harper to his room and sat him on his bed . Kyle said , " I 'll be right outside the door if you need anything . " He made it sound like a threat . Harper 's main thoughts for the next half an hour were about how to keep Becka from finding out what he had done . He knew what she would think of his little trip , and he had a pretty good idea of what she would do about it too . While Harper was thinking , Trance came in . He expected her to be angry , but she just looked like she was disappointed in him , and Harper felt pretty bad about that . She always seemed happy to him , and this night was the first time he had seen her without a smile . She said , " Harper what in the universe would make you decide it was a good idea to jack in tonight ? " Trance said , " Well this doesn 't bode well for you . If you 're the type of person who can 't handle self - discipline , then you 'll be back here within the month . You 'll have over used the neural port , and we 'll end up having to remove it to keep you safe . I really thought you were more sensible than that . " Harper nodded his head and said , " I usually am . I 'm really sorry . It won 't happen again . Please don 't tell Becka . It 'll just upset her . " Harper thought ' Sure she 'll forgive me . Right after she punishes me she 'll forgive me . Forget that ! Tomorrow I 'll tell Trance that I told Becka , and then Becka doesn 't have to hear about it . ' He said , " Alright . I 'll tell her . " Trance said , " Okay , I 'm glad that 's settled . Now we 'll be putting this electronic bracelet on you for the night . We really can 't afford to have the orderly standing outside the door all night , so this bracelet will let us know if you leave your room . " Harper looked at the bracelet , and realized it was made for children who had to stay in the hospital . He said , " No ! I mean , we don 't need to do that . I swear I 'll stay in my room the rest of the night ! Really . " Harper reluctantly let her put the bracelet on . When he was alone , he looked closely at the bracelet . He knew he could remove it without setting off the alarm , but he left it on . He figured Becka would take a dim view of his tampering with hospital equipment , especially if she found out why it was put on . He had trouble falling asleep . He kept imagining Becka 's reaction to his adventure , and it wasn 't good . The next morning Becka was there early . She found Trance and said , " Good morning . Did Harper do all of his apologizing last night ? " Trance smiled and said , " Yes he did , and everyone was very pleased about it . I think he made quite a few people happy . We 're used to rude patients , so when one is really nice , it 's a pleasant surprise . " Becka smiled and said , " Great . I wanted you to know that I 've decided to let you travel with us , until you find the place you want to stay . Do you want to go talk about money , and a contract ? " By the time the two women had come to an agreement , Harper was ready to be released . Becka went to Harper 's room , and gave him a big hug . She said , " Are you ready to get out of here ? " Harper said , " You bet boss . " Becka looked over the paper and then threw it away . She smiled and said , " Good . I just signed the contract with Trance . She 'll be going with us . After she finishes her day here at the hospital , she 'll go home and pack . Then she 'll be joining us aboard the Maru tomorrow morning . " Harper smiled a bit and said , " Great . " His thoughts were jumbled . He couldn 't decide if he should be happy , angry , scared , or relieved . He thought , ' It 'll be good to have Trance aboard , because I really like her , but I 'm sure one of the first things she 'll do is bring up last nights activities . Maybe she won 't mention it . But if I don 't tell Becka , and then Trance tells her , Becka will see that as a lie . Then she 'll be even angrier with me than she 's gonna be any way . Crap . What should I do ? If I tell her what I did , she 's gonna spank me again . Well maybe she won 't . I just know she will . This sucks . Sucks , Sucks , Sucks ! ' Becka watched various emotions flash across Harper 's face . She waited patiently for him to work out his thoughts . Harper bit his lip and then said , " When we get home I 'll need to tell you about last night , and you aren 't going to like it . " Harper had the bracelet removed , and signed all the papers . Becka had brought his money for him , and he paid off his bill . He noticed that they charged him extra for the bracelet , which pissed him off , but didn 't want to say anything bad to them about it with Becka there . Trance came to see them before they left . She said , " So I 'll see you both tomorrow at the airport . " The ride back to the Maru was silent . When they got in , Becka said , " Lets go talk in the mess hall . " Harper nodded . They spent most of their time together when they were just talking and having fun in the mess hall . Becka got them both some juice , and sat down to listen to Harper . Harper said in a rush , " Last night after I apologized to everyone and wrote my lines , I went to the training room and jacked in . About half an hour later they found me , and made me go back to my room . " Becka sat quietly for a few minutes while Harper squirmed in his seat and felt his stomach churning . Becka looked in Harper 's eyes and said , " Thank you for being honest and telling me about it before I found out from someone else . Why did you do it ? " Harper mumbled something that Becka couldn 't quite make out . She said in a clam voice , " I couldn 't hear you . Why did you jack in last night knowing that you were told not to by the hospital ? " Harper said , " Because I was mad , and I wanted to . " Harper followed her slowly to her bedroom . She closed the door after them . She said , " Harper , I need to think for a minute . Please go stand and face that corner until I call for you . " Harper looked surprised , but went to the corner without complaint . He was happy to put off the inevitable . Becka thought her informal command style usually worked well for them , but she decided they needed to write down a few rules about his neural port . That way there would be no misunderstandings between them . She could tell it was something that Harper was going to push every chance he got . She went to her desk and wrote some of her thoughts down . She could see Harper fidgeting in the corner . When she was done writing , she pulled the desk chair out and put the back of it against her bed . She went to get the hairbrush off her dresser and said , " Okay Harper come here . " Harper saw the chair and the hairbrush and felt like crying already . He slowly walked over to Becka . She gave him a quick hug , because he looked so miserable , and then sat down , and pulled him face down across her lap . She said , " After this spanking we 're going to work together and make a short list of rules for your neural port . " He felt her arm around his waist holding him tighter , and he closed his eyes and held his breath without realizing he was doing it . Soon he felt it and heard it . Smack , smack ! He let his breath out in a grunt , and tried to be still and quiet while she spanked him . By the tenth swat he couldn 't be still or quiet . He started squirming to get away , and yelping with each swat . Becka held him tight and continued to spank him . By the twentieth , Harper knew he couldn 't take much more without crying . He yelled , " I 'm sorry Aah B cka please Oohh stop , please ! x ? V Harper could barely make out what she was saying and yelled , " I won 't Oww do it again ! Unhh Please stop ! Aahhh Becka shook her head and kept spanking . Soon Harper did start to cry , and he stopped pleading . Beck concentrated the last few spanks on his sit spots . When she was done , she tossed the brush behind her on the bed . She ubbed Harper 's back for a minute while he lay there . He r alized she wasn 't holding him down anymore , and started to stand up . She elped him up , and then pulled him to a sitting position on her lap . She ade sure most of the pressure was on his thighs , and not his butt . He s ruggled a bit , but soon let her hold him while he cried . When he had calmed down enough to talk he said , " I 'm s . . sorry Becka . " M Harper stood up and rubbed his butt while he watched Becka put away her chair and brush . Then she picked up the paper she had been writing on and said , " Go get cleaned up and meet me in the mess hall . We 'll have lunch and go over some rules for the neural port . " Harper nodded and headed for the bathroom . He drank some water and took an aspirin . He wiped up his face and looked at his butt in the mirror . It was very red with some lighter raised spots where he would be sitting . He didn 't understand how Becka had such good aim . Like the first time she spanked him , he was going to have just a couple of bruises where he sat down , and the rest of his butt would just be sore for a couple of days . He gently pulled his pants back up , and went to meet Becka in the mess hall . Becka sat on a stool by the counter with some blank paper and some sandwiches . Harper came and stood by her . While they ate , Becka said , " I just want us to make a quick list of the rules Trance told you to follow , so that we can make sure you don 't make yourself sick . " Harper wasn 't happy with the list , but he agreed that it did seem fairly reasonable . Becka said , " Thanks for helping me make the list , and for not getting too upset about it . I know you don 't like me telling you what to do , but I really do worry that you 'll hurt yourself if you don 't have some kind of clear guidelines with this . I 'll keep this in my desk , in case we need to look at it again . " Harper didn 't say much , but he nodded . Becka decided now was a good time to bring up something she had been thinking about since she had agreed to take Trance aboard with them . She said , " Harper , there 's one more thing I want to make clear today , so there are no unpleasant surprises down the road for us . I want you to know that I will not hesitate to punish you while Trance is with us . " Harper looked horrified and said , " You can 't be serious ! " Becka said , " Yes I am serious . I don 't want to embarrass you or make you feel worse , but I will spank you if I think you need it . I 'll try to make it as private as possible by taking you to my room , and asking Trance to do something on the other side of the ship , but it 's a small ship , and she very well may hear us . " Becka counted to ten in her head and said calmly , " Let me rephrase it for you . I hope you don 't get into trouble while Trance is here , or ever for that matter . I really don 't want to embarrass you , but if you do something I consider dangerous , then I believe a little embarrassment is a small price to pay for keeping you safe and alive . I 'm sorry if you don 't understand my logic , but if you 're really worried that Trance will find out about it , then I suggest you behave . " Harper crossed his arms and looked at the floor and said , " I don 't like it , but I guess that doesn 't matter . Can we talk about something else ? " Becka said , " Just one more thing , and then we can talk about nicer things . Because you jacked in yesterday , you may not jack in today . You can start tomorrow once Trance is here and settled in . " |
These are the adventures and crises of a world traveler who hardly ever gets to leave the Nashville area . I 'm a mother , wife , waitress , teacher , former dental assistant , and a superhero . And my son thinks I 'm funny , so I 've got that going for me . and I 'm out of wine . What should I do ? ? Well , play another game of course . I 'm leaving ya 'll out of it , though . Maybe that is why I lost . I 'd feel so much better if 4th place would just leave ! I would 've just won with 3 of a kind : 3 's . You can 't really stick around with 3 , 7 , off suit , though , right ? I went all in with pocket 5s and made $ 1 , 300 . I was short - stacked , otherwise I wouldn 't have called the guy 's all - in after I raised . Phew . I feel a little better about the game now , but who knows . . . This live blogging session sucks . I don 't have anything to comment on . . . My favorite hand while playing Texas Hold ' em is Q 9 , suited because it pays off well when it pays off . Of course , I haven 't seen a Q9 or even a suited hand yet , so this is a boring post . I held on too long , hoping for a flush . I lost , but ya gotta cut me some slack . Night is on the floor , wrapped in a blanket . Keira is " getting him " and giggling hystarically ( spell ? ? ) , Josh isn 't home , and I drank my wine in less than 10 minutes . I WAS on the small blind . . . I 've had a glass of wine . . . I think that is what I started with . . . I 'm playing my second sit and go at . 25 + . 02 . . . I haven 't started off with a bang . 2 , 9 off . Fold . I 've already played one game - online . Now I 've signed up for the second and am hopeful . I started off with . . . $ 2 . 18 . Now I have $ 2 . 09 , after playing a $ . 25 ( + . 02 ) sit and go and winning 3rd ( $ . 45 ) . Wish me luck . We went to Centennial Park today and fed the ducks . I have some cute pictures to show ya 'll , but photobucket keeps posting the same VERY CUTE picture of Keira over and over rather than the variety of cute pictures I have . My flickr account is full for the month , but tomorrow is a new day , so I will show ya 'll tomorrow ! It is 9 : 00 in the morning , and I 'm thinking of taking my pill with wine instead of water . We are out of diet coke , and coffee is too hot to take a pill . It is my day off . That 's not bad , is it ? ? This WFMW post comes from my wonderful husband Josh . When we were getting ready for our trip to Austin , I was packing the cooler , full of sandwiches , snacks , and drinks . Rather than just putting ice in the cooler , Josh told me to put it in ziplock baggies - this way when they melt , there isn 't water everywhere . I filled several baggies so the ice could be dispersed properly . Maybe this is what everyone does , but I hadn 't thought of it ! For more WFMW hints , go to Shannon 's site Rocks in My Dryer ! * In no particular order - just how I think of them ! - Keira leans on me to cuddle . - The local grocery store is going out of business and there are DEALS to be had ! - Josh cleaned the whole kitchen last night ! - Night asks , " Can you be with me ? " ( although I don 't always want to watch Spiderman for the 100th time , it is nice to be wanted ) - My animals cuddle with me at night . - Coffee - Night calls me Mom - I 've got most of the " high scores " in Brain Age ( gameboy ) - Seeing the video of Keira saying cheese - Having a shitload of work to do here at the office , yet taking time to blog - I get to go home for lunch - Having a loving and supportive husband , even though I don 't deserve himOkay . Break is over . More work to do before lunch . I 'm thankful for more things , I just need to keep working so this job doesn 't become one of the things I am no longer thankful for . . . Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson have filed for divorce . I hadn 't even driven out to the house that they may or may not have bought together . You snooze , you lose . It is true . I missed out . Thanks for all the advice . I am feeling better today . I 'm going to tweak the words of knowledge from everyone and try to continue having a good day , week , etc . I also successfully got back on my biphasic sleeping schedule last night , so I think that helped a bit too ! I just didn 't do anything when I was awake ! I 'll work on that , though ! ! Ever since the day after the kids came back , I 've been struggling with my depression again . It is a bit saddening because I know that by now my pills have kicked in , and I 'm still feeling this way - that hasn 't happened before . This recurrence has made me feel like a horrible mother . I LOVE that my kids are back , and I have been enjoying them immensely ; however , I still feel sad . I feel unable to do anything but sleep . I am worrying more and more about our finances , yet I am starting to dislike going to work . Before , I enjoyed work ( you know , as much as one can enjoy work ) even though I didn 't like leaving my family . Now , I see work as a place that is making me leave my family , even though I just feel like sleeping when I am with my family ! I 'm trying biphasic sleeping again ( weird schedule got me off it for awhile , then depression . . . ) because I love the way I feel when I am on the schedule , but I find that when it is time to get up from my nap , I don 't see any reason to do so - I should clean , do pilates , be with Josh , work on my photo album , read , etc , but I don 't feel like doing any of these things , so rather than get up , I just stay in bed even though I 'm not necessarily tired . So , after all the complaints , here is my working theory : Before I left for Austin , I wasn 't depressed at all . I was quite happy and busy . I was preparing for Austin and preparing the kids for their trip to Indiana . I was very happy in Austin . I even forgot to take my pills in the morning ( now I never forget - it is one of the first things I think of in the morning , even though I don 't feel any different after I take them ; I just don 't want to regress ) . After returning from Austin , I was looking forward to the kids returning . I cleaned the house , and watched some shows that I knew would be interrupted once they returned . Then they returned . I loved it , but now what do I have to look forward to ? I noticed yesterday when I went back to the restaurant for work , I was happier - I think it was because I was busy . I 'm not the same kind of busy at the dentPosted by After my post about making special days special , I sheepishly tell you that we are not celebrating Thanksgiving today ! I am , however , VERY thankful that my family is home with me and safe . Josh finally pulled up around 11 last night . The longer they were gone , the more worried I became even though I had talked to them and knew everyone was doing fine . I had just realized that my whole world was in that Xterra , and even though Josh is a great driver ( not a great passenger . . . ) , traffic was bad yesterday , so it worried me . On the way home , I talked with Night , and he said , " Will you do me a favor ? " I said , " um , it depends . . . " " Will you clean the living room and the den and your room and my room ? " " Okay . . . " " Then when I get home I want to help you clean the kitchen . You can clean the top and I can clean the bottom . " " Sounds like a plan ! " I had already cleaned everything - what else do you do besides drink when the kids are gone ? When they did arrive , both kids were just waking up as I greeted them at the Xterra door . Keira smiled at me , which made me ecstatic because Josh said it took a good hour for her to warm up to him again - she was clinging to his mom . Night told me he was so excited to be at his new home ( the name for our house since we moved in last February ) . He then walked in to the house and asked me if he could help clean . He was a bit delirious . . . As silly as it sounds , his wanting to clean made me smile because that is one of the good memories he has of me and our house - cleaning the floor with Clorox wipes while I clean the counters . I hope that continues to be a good memory since I hate cleaning ! Night DID look like he grew - his legs are at least an inch longer ! Keira looks different too - something about her face , but I can 't work out what it is ! Since our last couple of weeks have been hectic , I didn 't go grocery shopping . We are all just looking forward to having normal days again . It is weird , when you are single or even married without kids , a schedule doesn 't seem so important , but having a messed up schedule whPosted by When I first read this article , I thought , " What a waste of time , " but then as I read further , I realized that the man did it with his two kids . That is nice . The kids will have something special to remember doing with their dad . It taught the boys to work toward a goal , which is something I have a hard time accomplishing . It makes me want to build the longest gum wrapper train or something . I just don 't remember how to do it . . . How much do you think it cost to get all those rubber bands ? I wonder how they got it to Chicago . I also wonder how Wagner , the Guinness judge , got her job . I want to do that ! ! Shelves , originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Okay , Anna , here are MY shelves . We also do not have a cupboard , so we use these shelves and the space under the bathroom sink . Notice the eyebrow kit I am still too scared to use ! I bought some baskets ( oh , about 2 months ago ) to organize this area , so maybe I 'll tackle that tonight , if I can get into my sleeping schedule . . . Let 's see , what is in there ? lotions , 3 kinds of mouthwash , babywash , pet spray ( litter box is right by the bathroom ) , lots of band aids , some washcloths , deodorant . . . There is absolutely NO ORGANIZATION to it . There are 4 drawers in our bathroom that are chock full of disorganization as well : makeup , medicine , razors , hair stuff , more band aids ( Night likes them ! ) , xtra toothpaste and toothbrush . . . Wow . I 'm getting to overwhelmed . I doubt if this will get clean tonight ! ! , originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Beautiful Day for a Wedding , originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . With the Bride , originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Yep . That 's Amanda , originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Here are some pictures from Amanda 's wedding and the reception . Sadly , I have none of Alex , the groom . . . Yes , those are jeans that Josh is wearing . Since the reception was in the same hotel that we were staying in , he took the first opportunity to change into something more comfortable . I at least waited until after we ate . It was before they cut the cake , but it WAS after we ate ! Yay ! I 'm not cut off from society . My phone was in my purse . I love my purse , but it is rather big and makes it easy to lose things . I found the phone , though , and I 'm charging it . Let the calls begin . I am also remembering why vacations are so difficult . I HATED coming back to work after my lunch break . It is an easy day at work , and there is no reason I should dread coming back , but I oh so enjoyed sitting on the couch in my own house for that brief 35 minutes . . . Luckily , I only have 2 more days this week due to Thanksgiving ! I can make it . I talked to Josh . He said that the kids are doing well . Night grew 2 inches in the week that he was gone , and Keira is now talking in complete sentences . I 'm sure it is an exaggeration for both of them , but it made me even more excited about seeing them - tomorrow ! Well , do I have a story for you ! Here 's part one of DrugHead , and here 's part two . Now , for part three . Who knows if this is going to stop at a trilogy or continue ? only Mr . DrugHead knows . . . . While I was on vacation , I called the office voicemail , knowing that Mr . DrugHead was going to fill up the account . Of 15 messages , 11 were from him , and there were 2 hangups . Of the messages I could understand , they all seemed to say the same thing : He took the Darvon ( kind of like Tylenol 3 - I 'm not into medicines / drugs - I don 't really know the differences ) . He told Dr ( on voicemail ) that since Darvon has aspirin in it and he has asthma , he had an asthma attack . He said that he is in horrible pain and needs more lortab . He also said that he had talked to Tenncare ( Tennessee 's version of medicare ) and they would pay to get the teeth taken out if Dr said it was an emergency . At the end of many of the messages , he said , " Well , I 'll try Dr . on his cell phone again . " ( Dr forgot to block number when he answered a page ) Mr . DrugHead left this message 11 times ! First of all , we don 't take Tenncare , so if they do pay for it , they won 't pay us . . . Second of all , Dr . won 't say it is an emergency because there is another issue here . . . Third of all , Dr . told DrugHead that he couldn 't be seen here until after he got a paper from the ER saying what they did to treat his bleeding . Fourth of all , HE STILL OWES US MONEY ! When I got back to work today , Dr . said that he had spoken with the pharmacy after writing the Darvon prescription , and the pharmacist said that they didn 't have any , so Dr . said not to give him anything . Dr . talked to pharmacy later in the day ( after getting asthma attack message ) , and they didn 't transfer the prescription , so he didn 't even take the Darvon . Then , the pharmacist said that they ran a search of Mr . DrugHead at local pharmacies . Since August , he has had 5 different pharmacies filling prescriptions , 3 or 4 prescriptions for lortab , xanzx , and percocet in the same day ! One doctor even wrote a prescrition for 120 lortab ! Posted by I had soooo much fun on our little vacation to Austin . Seeing Amanda again ( has it been 2 years ? ) was wonderful . The wedding was beautiful , and I enjoyed getting to know some of her friends . I forgot what it is like to socialize . I kinda liked it ! Amanda still kicks ass at cards - any game , but it was fun trying to beat her . On Sunday , we met up with one of my Aussie friends who has been staying in Dallas , TX for a few months with work . It was very fun . We only had time to go out for breakfast before leaving for home , but it was better than nothing ! We stopped in Dallas too . We visited the grassy knoll and saw where JFK was shot . Now I want to watch JFK again . The first time I saw it , I was a teenager , and I got bored . I 've matured ( a little too much ) now , so I think I could appreciate it better . Tidbits from the way home : We figured out the two states we missed ! We got all 50 this time , without even cheating and looking back on the list from the trip down . We had missed Minnesota and Utah , both of which surprise me because we were thinking of movies / tv shows and where they were filmed or supposed to have as the setting . How could we miss both FARGO and BIG LOVE ? That makes no sense ! I started watching " Assault on Precinct 13 " on the way home , but the laptop battery died . We need a car charger for the laptop , not that we will be needing it again for a long time . It has been 3 years since our last trip , so we 've got another 3 before we 'll need the charger . . . I slept most of the way home , so that 's all I have to say about that . The dog and cats were alive when we got home ( we hadn 't heard from our house - sitter ) , and they were very excited to see us . Hopefully the kids will be just as thrilled . Josh went to get them last night . They 'll be back tomorrow afternoon - YAY ! I can 't wait . I think I left my cell phone in the vehicle that Josh took . That sucks since we don 't have a home phone . . . That 's all for right now . I 'll post some pictures tonight . We are having a great time ! Traveling was fun . It feels so good to be out and about . I didn 't drive a bit . Josh gets a bit . . . mean when I drive . He 's not a good " backseat driver " at all . During the drive , this is what I learned from car games : * There aren 't very many Q 's in our language - Josh beat me at the alphabet game ( looking for letters on billboards ) because of our lack of Q 's . * We are dumb Americans . We are missing 3 states . I 'm dumber than Josh . He came up with more than I did . After arriving in Austin , this is what I 've learned : * Nashville is a small city . Austin is a big city . * The interstate here scares me , and it is impossible to spot something from the interstate then actually find it by getting off the interstate . They have signs that say " U - Turns Only " other than the normal " No U - Turns " signs that we are used to . I miss my children terribly . I keep thinking about how they would enjoy this or that here . We have some site seeing to do , so I 'll write more later ! Dr and I were in the operatory with a patient . The phone rings . Since I am the only dental assistant , I am the only one to answer the phone . If we are in the middle of a procedure , I just let it go to voicemail , which is what I did . Then the phone rang again , right away . Knowing who was calling and knowing that he wouldn 't stop , I went to pick up the phone . " Um , yes ( blurred speech ) this is Mr . Druggie . Dr said he would call in a prescription for me . " ( Previously , Mr Druggie had called Dr 's direct line ( caller id sucks ) and agreed to the lesser drug . He just wanted a drug . ) " Well , he is in the middle of a procedure now . He will call it in when he finishes . " " He told me he would call it in RIGHT AWAY . " okay . I doubt that . " Well , he is with the patient . When he finishes , he will call it in . " " I 'm at the pharmacy right now . " " Again , he is still with the patient . " " Can I come in and pick it up ? " " It isn 't written yet . " " Does he need to write it out ? " " Um , not if he calls it into the pharmacy , which is what he is planning on doing when he finishes with the patient . " " Well , I live clear across town . " huh ? " Okay . " " This is ridiculous ! mumble . mumble . " " Sorry ? " " I 'm just going to come sit in your waiting room . " " That will just make the process take longer . Then he would need to write it out , then you would have to go to the pharmacy , then they would fill it . If you wait ( of which you have no choice ) until he is finished with the procedure , he can call it in and get it filled more quickly . " " How long will it be ? " " Maybe half an hour , but since he doesn 't have me helping him , probably longer . " " Mumble mumble . click . " After Dr calls it in , I get ANOTHER call from Mr . Druggie . * * " When Dr calls in my prescription , will you give him the number to a different pharmacy for me ? " " He has already called it in . " " Okay , bye . Click " * * what 'd I tell you ? ? he has them spread around town ! ! You know the guy that called me Monday the 13th and left 13 messages about how he NEEDED to talk to the doctor because he is in pain ? Well , yesterday ( just Tuesday the 14th ) , he called and said he needed to see the doctor again ! Whenever he calls , he is all slurry and disoriented . I told him that the doctor was at a meeting all day , the man said he was in so much pain and his gums were bleeding . Dr gave him a prescription for 12 lortabs the day before ! I told him that if he was bleeding , he needed to go to the ER because Dr wasn 't even in the office . ( I think I told him this in our 3rd conversation of the day . ) Then he called back , no more than an hour and a half later , and told me that he went to the emergency room and they told him to contact us . Excuse me ? Who has ever been in and out of an emergency room within an hour and a half , including driving time ? ? He then asked for Dr 's pager number . Knowing that Dr was getting his pager battery replaced , so it wasn 't working at the moment , I gave the guy the number . I even told him that he wouldn 't be able to reach the dr . I came in this morning to 3 hang ups from him . Well , I guess I can 't PROVE that they were from him , but seeing as his was the only number on the caller id , I 'm pretty sure that they were from him . I have his number memorized by the way . By 10 : 00AM , he had called me and asked for a refill then had his pharmacy fax me asking for a refill . Dr . called pharmacy , and the pharmacist asked Dr if he is in a group practice since there were so many doctors writing prescriptions . Nope . Apparently , Mr . Druggie has been getting prescriptions for the same type of medicines for about 3 months now , but they are from more than 4 different doctors . ( Wouldn 't you go to several pharmacies if this was your MO ? Maybe he does - that 'd be even MORE drugs ! ) My doctor called the patient and offered to write an Rx for Tylenol 3 , but the patient refused . Doctor refused to refill prescription . This happened over my lunch break . Dr said that he left for lunch with the phone ringing - thePosted by Even though my family is fairly messed up ( Josh would use a different description , I 'm sure ) , I do have nice memories of our Christmas traditions . If the kids weren 't awake yet ( ie - we were teenagers ! ) , my dad would run through the house yelling , " Merry Christmas ! " in his underware ( not such a fond memory ) . Then , we would all get dressed . We were not allowed to be in pjs for opening up presents . Sometimes we got creative and dressed up in mismatched clothes , which was fine , as long as they weren 't pjs . My mom would make homemade donuts and we had to wait until everyone was finished with breakfast before opening presents - even ( this was the worst part ) the coffee . From there , either Dad or one of the kids would pass out presents , one to each person then everyone would open them at the same time . I think it is important for my kids to have good memories , so I am always trying to make special days special . Here are some of the traditions I have come up with thus far : * Christmas pajamas . Going the opposite of my parents , I like to stay in my pjs , and I think it is neat to have special Christmas pjs each year . Josh doesn 't participate ( he can if he wants to , though ) , but everyone else gets a new pair of Christmas pjs each year , to be worn for the first time on Christmas Eve . We can wear them after that too . * Christmas Pickle . I don 't remember what country it is , but there is a country that people hide a pickle in the tree for other members of the family to find . My mom got us a glass Christmas pickle that Josh and I have been hiding back and forth . It is problematic trying to find hiding spots on a fake tree . . . but this is a tradition I want to carry on with my kids too . * Christmas Crackers . When I was in Australia , we had Christmas crackers , and I thought it was so fun ; it was originally a British tradition , but then again , wasn 't everything ? ? So , every year , we put our crackers under the tree and snap them before opening presents . We then wear our hats until we get tired of them , which is all of about 2 minutes . * Last year , Posted by The Vet just called . Orson is doing fine , but she wants him to stay over night . WHAT ? She said that he kind of acts like he 's had a few martinis , so she wants to be able to keep him calm for a little while longer . I asked if there was anything WRONG , and she said that he was doing really well - she just didn 't get to do his surgery as early as she had hoped , so he just needs to recuperate . Thats fine , but we are leaving tomorrow night . He 's going to think I snipped him and left him . I 'm very cruel . Not being male , these things shouldn 't affect me quite so much as they do . You should have seen me bawling as I rolled Night back from his circumcision . He was only a day old ! I 'm kinda jealous . I wish I were " snipped " since we aren 't planning on having any more kids . The women in my family seem to be quite fertile , so I am a bit worried . My mom got pregnant with me when she had an IUD in . She had to take it out to keep from aborting me . My sister got pregnant when she was on the patch . Both have a failure rate of less than 1 % ! Here 's to hoping the depo shot is the answer ! ! Wow . This post has changed directions ! ! Um , Orson is fine . I pick him up tomorrow . Everyone is happy ! I took the cat into the Vet today to get neutered . . . Hopefully this will take care of all the problems we 've been having . I know that Wanda ( the girl cat ) will be grateful because he chases her around and " attacks " her every couple of weeks . He is already mad at me because I had to take away his food around midnight last night so he could have anesthesia . He was cussing me out this morning because he wanted some food ! I don 't know when he last ate - you can 't explain to the cat that he needs to eat before you take the food away . I 'm nervous because I had to sign all these papers saying it was okay to put him to sleep and to do blood tests etc . I think I signed more paperwork than our patients do here at the oral surgeon 's office ! Sigh . I hope he is doing well ! I 'm going to be in a wedding this next weekend ( no , I 'm not Katie 's bridesmaid , even though she asked . I already had plans . . . ) . For the first time since moving back here to Nashville , I 'm going on a road trip . My bones are aching to travel ! We leave for Austin , Texas on Wednesday night . We are driving the 13hours , and I know that I am crazy , but I am looking forward to it ! Josh left last night to take the kids up to stay with his parents in Goshen , Indiana . Night was super excited . That was an 8 hour drive , and I can 't say that I was jealous of that drive ! He took them late at night so they would sleep . . . Josh said that during the drive , Keira woke up in the middle of the night ( like usual ) , and he found out what she would do if we didn 't go into the bedroom when she wails . She kept hitting her brother . She threw her pacifier at him and pulled his hand out from under him ( he was leaning on his hand while he slept ) . She wanted someone to play with ! He 's a pretty sound sleeper , so she didn 't get her wish . As for me , I stayed behind so I could earn my paycheck . For the first time in . . . well , for the first time , I was COMPLETELY ALONE in the house ALL NIGHT . What a strange feeling . One thing that I noticed was that if I chose to pick up a toy ( no promises ) , that toy will STAY PUT AWAY ! I can 't even fathom the concept of a clean house that stays clean ! ! I went all over the house and turned off all the lights except for the ones in the room that I was in . I 'm saving money ! Then , I sat down and ate a bowl of ice cream . No sharing . Well , Scully ( the dog ) tried to get her share , but I was steadfast . Josh will be back tomorrow . I 'm going to try to enjoy the quiet . Today is Monday the 13th . It is living up to its name : hectic Monday and unlucky 13 . I woke up to a lonely house ( Josh took the kids to Indiana to be with his parents ) . It was nice and not nice at the same time . I got to work and had THIRTEEN messages on the answering machine - all from the same man . He wanted to talk to the Dr and wanted pain medication . I don 't know why he didn 't page said Dr rather than leaving messages on a machine over the weekend . He hasn 't been in to see the Dr for over 6 months . He owes the Dr money , and I 've been trying to get ahold of him for months . Now he says he is in pain , so he NEEDS to see the Dr . Hmm . . Then , while I 'm listening to the messages , I get a phone call from an irate wife of a patient . She said that she shouldn 't have been billed for the extractions because her insurance covered it . In fact , she said we owed her money . It turns out that she was right . When you ( meaning a doctor 's office ) sign up for a PPO , you agree to accept lesser payment for your fees , based on whatever it is the insurance company decides to pay . In return , you are put on the list so more people are referred to you . So , you see more patients , but you don 't get paid as much for each patient . When you are a new doctor , this is to your advantage because you build your patient base ; however , you are doing more work for less , so in the long run , it is a bad system . Apparently , we have been on the list for this particular insurance company even though we do not have any paperwork saying we are . So , now we look like we were trying to steal money from the patient when in fact , we don 't have any proof that we belong to the PPO list . Oh well , I 'll refund the money and grovel . Next task - get us off the list . . . What a great start to a Monday morning . Cutie Originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Ever watch The Torkelsons ? It was on in the early 90 's . A single mom with about 5 kids had a person renting out the basement ( I think ) . One of the little girls would always sit at the kitchen table when the person renting the room was eating a sandwich or a snack or something . She would look longingly at the food and say , " You gonna eat that , Boarder Hodges ? " To which he would usually respond by sharing the food . This phrase runs through my head almost daily . No matter how much she has already eaten or what I am eating , she stands patiently at my knee and looks at me , thinking , " Are you gonna eat that , Mom ? " I feel like I 'm on a roller coaster . One minute I am exhausted and can 't bring myself to get up off the couch . The next minute I am planning adventures for the family . It is a strange ride . I 'm trying to hold on and enjoy when I 'm feeling up and make the downs less frequent ! I 've learned my lesson - stay on the medicine ! I 'm also trying to keep busy , which I know will help . I just don 't want to do anything , which makes it more difficult ! I don 't remember the last time I did pilates . I 'll get back into the swing of things ! It is hard for me to write this , but I 'm depressed . I have no reason to feel like this - I have a wonderful life , and I am happy . Yes , I am happy and depressed at the same time . I 've been dealing with it for a while , but it is usually under control . Here 's a little background about it . Anyway , I kind of weaned myself off of zoloft . I don 't think I 've taken it for 1 1 / 2 months . I am pretty in tuned with when I feel it coming on . Well , I say I 'm pretty in tuned with it , but Josh would probably say otherwise ! He notices it before I do , but he never says anything until I do . Can 't say as I blame him - I wouldn 't want to be the one to tell me I was acting depressed again ! A few weeks ago , my mom and her two friends were here to visit . It really threw our schedule off . Keira still hasn 't gone back to her normal sleeping habits . I think this is when it all started . Having them here stressed me out because our house was crowded and we just have different lifestyles , so it was just kind of uncomfortable . ( that is a whole post in itself ) At the same time , my dentist was having an open house and I was in charge of EVERYTHING , which also stressed me out a bit . I like to think that I am really easy - going and that nothing really phases me . For the most part , I am pretty damn easy to get along with and I am easy - going , so it makes me feel weak when I get this way . Chances are , if I would 've stayed on my zoloft , I would have had a " buffer " for when I got stressed out , but since I decided that I didn 't need drugs , I 've been slowly feeling more and more lethargic and less and less motivated . I don 't think I noticed it until Sunday or Monday . I started taking my pills the next day . I know that my depression is mild in comparison to most - I 've NEVER felt suicidal and I have always kept up with my " outside " life - you know work and whatnot . However , the minute I step into the house , I want to either run to bed , lay on the couch , or take a bath . The bath sometimes is too much work . . . I am exhausted all of the time , even at work . I 'm very sensitivPosted by My cat peed on my cutting board . My mom got it for me when she went on a cruise to Alaska - it has a little bowl set in it with a special knife . It is very cool , and I haven 't even used it yet . Apparently , Orson thought the little bowl looked like the perfect toilet or something . Anyone know how to clean it ? Anyone know how to humanely murder a cat ? I really like him , but he 's been peeing out of his kitty litter box quite a bit - the laundry basket and one of the kids ' storage containers were his objects of choice before my beloved cutting board . Luckily , he goes for the empty containers . . . My son and daughter share a bedroom . There is a clothes storage issue in the room . They have a small closet and a dresser . Night ( my son ) has the closet - two rods ; all of hanging clothes go in the closet . He gets the bottom two drawers of the dresser - for pjs , socks , and underware ( he 's a big kid and wears big kid underware ) . My daughter has the top drawer for her socks and bibs etc . We were having a difficult time with storage for my daughter 's clothes . Instead of having a fourth drawer , the dresser has doors and a shelf . So , I folded all of Keira 's clothes together in outfits and piled them on the shelf . In theory , this was fine . In reality , when my son or husband ( okay - I admit : sometimes me ) got clothes for Keira , they would pick two halves of two different outfits , leaving the dresser a mess , with Keira having no matching clothes . So , I put the outfits in gallon freezer bags , one outfit per bag . Anyone can pick a matching outfit ; then the empty bag goes in Keira 's dresser drawer so I can find it when I put away clothes . I know that some people use this technique when travelling , and now I 've found that it works at home as well ! Sorry - no photos : I 'm at work and didn 't think about taking a picture when I was at home ! For more WFMW hints , visit ROCKS IN MY DRYER ! Night has been playing Spiderman on the Gamecube . He is only 3 , so he doesn 't really know what he is doing , but he has a lot of fun swinging from his webs . The game is kind of like a movie because there is a lot of dialog in it . Night has been incorporating this dialog into our conversations with him . He told Josh that Aunt Mae and Uncle Ben raised him like parents did and he is like their kid . We 've been having difficulties trying to get him to leave the pacifier alone , so we bought him a Spiderman lego toy thing if he agreed to throw away his pacifiers and not to " borrow " Keira 's pacifiers . No problem , right ? Well , he 'd been only having it at bedtime , so that is when the screaming takes place . Luckily , my bedtime is before his , so I don 't have to deal with it . Last night , Josh walked into the kids ' room when Keira was crying - to check on her . Her pacifier was missing . . . it was in Night 's mouth , who was sleeping soundly in his own bed . Josh was telling me this story after work today , and I was trying to let Night know that it wasn 't " cute " , so I looked at him and asked him if he stole Keira 's pacifier . He just hid his head behind the couch . It was very cute , so I had to turn around so he didn 't see me smile . Then I tried yelling at him with my back to him . It didn 't work . He wasn 't looking at me either . Then he informed me that he just wanted some old fashioned justice . ( a line from the game ) I don 't understand how anyone could be so cruel as to put a PUPPY IN THE OVEN ! You know that the dog had to be barking or scratching or something , right ? I can 't even imagine . The wife filed for divorce ! Well , I should think so ! Why don 't I get to see drama like this ? ! The most we get is some old lady driving her car into the doors of the side dining room . I wasn 't even there to see it ! At least at Waffle House , I could 've seen some nudity ! As I was driving to work ( restaurant ) this morning , I passed a police car . Well , I passed quite a few police cars . Every other car in Franklin is a police car . I 'm not complaining at all - I like that there are a lot of cops around . Anyway , as I passed the police officer , I tried to look " not guilty . " I don 't know why I tried to look not guilty ; I wasn 't speeding or doing anything wrong . Then , less than half a mile later , I pulled into the Kroger parking lot ( to buy clearance Halloween candy for the other servers ) . I pulled into the wrong way of the entrance . It was one of those entrances that have concrete up , so if someone were coming out , I would 've run right into them . Luckily , it was seven o ' clock in the morning , so there wasn 't any traffic . Then what do I do after making that ILLEGAL move ? I pull into a handicap parking spot to run into the store . I did see that it was handicapped before I got out of the car , but it just made me think that maybe I should be careful around the authorities . I made those two attempts at getting put in the slammer all within 3 minutes of seeing the cops . Wonder what else I do during the day when I 'm not paying attention . . . Well , meeting with the girls was a blast ! I loved joining the group because everyone already knew everyone ( except me and Mandi , but she knows Kathy ) and everyone was so comfortable with everyone ; it was just a great time . I don 't remember all the names , but I 've been cheating and reading blogs about the night , which helps me remember who all went ! There was a lot of talk about people I don 't know , but the stories were very entertaining . We didn 't play bunco , but I don 't know how anyway . I didn 't contribute too much to the conversation , but I didn 't know the people we were talking about ! Why I think the bloggers from last night cool : No one thought twice about my being there . They didn 't think it was strange that a stranger joined the mix - they just treated me like one of their own . Kat makes yummy food . There was a lot of swearing . I felt like an adult . The word trifecta was used twice . . . by two different peopleOther adults have messy homes and are poor ( not Kat ! this was just gathered from conversation , not demonstration ) Everyone had different opinions and shared them without hitting each other . Everyone was themselves ( at least seemed to be ) I laughed a lot . A lot a lot . I had an irrational fear that everyone would be psychotic and judgemental but the conversations of the evening proved contraryIn theory , they like to play bunco . . . I like games , so in theory , I like bunco . There are more reasons , I 'm sure . I just can 't think of anymore at the moment . . . I had such a good time . I 'm now putting faces and names with blogs , which is also fun . I would like to join them again . Can I ? Can I ? Yesterday afternoon , I was reading a local blog by Kat Coble , and she had invited her blogger friends ( only the girls ! ) over to her house to play Bunco . I just happened to be home early from work and was reading the blog near Josh . I said something about how it would be fun to go because I never do anything social , don 't have any friends , and like to play board games . Then I said , " Too bad I 'm too afraid to go . " Josh told me I should go . I told him that there was no way I could go because I was too much of a pussy , especially if I had to go by myself . This banter went back and forth until he reminded me that by saying I was scared I wasn 't being myself because it really wasn 't in my personality to be scared of something like that and that I should go . So I wrote Kat an email asking if she didn 't think it was too creepy , ( you know - a total stranger in your house when you are meeting with a few friends - it is kind of creepy ) I would like to go . She said I could , and off I went . On the way there , I started thinking about how weird it was that my reaction was to be scared . I 've done a lot of things in my life , many of them by myself , and it had never phased me to be scared or intimidated . I went to Australia for a year , knowing no one . I moved here to Nashville , knowing no one . Okay . I can only think of 2 , but they are big ones , both of which never even phased me to be intimidated . In fact , when asked how I could do that without knowing anyone , I was confused as to why it would be an issue . When did my personality change ? What happened ? Once I thought about not really being a pussy , I stopped feeling intimidated and nervous and started really looking forward to meeting people . Let 's see - when is the last time I did anything remotely social ? My family ( Josh , me and the kids ) walked to a nearby restaurant and met my college roommate ( from Indiana ) and her husband for dinner . They were passing through Franklin on their way to a wedding in Florida . The event lasted about an hour . I hadn 't seen my roommate for about 3 years and havePosted by Thanks for all the help with Excel . . . Oh wait - nobody helped me . I forced quit it . When I pulled it back up , the stuff had been saved : ) . Then it happened AGAIN . This time the new ones weren 't saved . Alas , maybe I 'm doomed to unorganized coupons . They are organized in the little folder thing , but I can 't remember what I have and when they expire . Oh well - there are worse things . Maybe I 'll give it another try . I am trying to organize my coupons in Excell ( I know - I 'm nerdy ) . It is one of my being awake in the middle of the night projects . I somehow selected 2 sheets at the same time or something . An error has come up that says , " You cannot make changes to a list when mulitple sheets are selected . " Okay . How do I unselect the other sheet so I can make changes ? It locks up whenever I do anything . I click okay and try to figure out how to unselect it , and then the error pops up again . I 'm stuck . It won 't let me save it . It won 't even let me close it . Computers are dumb . Here are some pictures from last night . We had a great time ! Night had a ghost costume but decided to be a zombie instead . He didn 't want to get his arms dirty , so we had to wash off the blood . It is hard to get good pictures of Keira . With the flash on , she blinks and looks like she is on drugs . With the flash off , she is blurry and looks like she is on drugs . . . Zombie Dad and Son Originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Zombie Originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Cheetah Originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Cat Originally uploaded by mari _ ickes . Posted by Well , I don 't have anything to post , but my friend Anna does - so here 's her hint : ( Almost ) Chemical free surface cleaner : Boil water in a saucepan with fresh rosemary and mint to make a very strong tea . Let it cool and strain , retaining the tea , discard the herbs . Fill a spray bottle with the tea and add several drops each of Lavender and Tea Tree Oil ( or any combination of antiseptic oils ) , a splash of white vinegar , and a small squirt of washing up liquid . Much nicer on the nose than chemical cleaners , and suprisingly effective on most cooking / kitchen mess . I haven 't tried it yet , but it sounds like it will smell nice ! ! By the way , we ( Anna and I ) have started a blog about our biphasic sleeping experiences , which was my WFMW hint last week , so if you are interested , stop by ! For more fun / interesting / helpful hints , stop by Shannon 's blog . |
Ethan was sick of Giles ' brooding . He slammed into his apartment only to find Giles once again sitting by the window , staring out into the darkness . " Ripper , get up , let 's go . There 's a gathering tonight . " " Maybe it 's escaped your attention but you are a frustrated bitter old man . And no matter how little you 've practiced I know you still have your power . I can feel it . Time to dust it off and take it out for a run . " Ethan let out a frustrated noise . " You never go out . You don 't see any of your friends anymore except for me and that 's just because I 'm a stubborn son of a bitch . You haven 't even looked for a job . Ever since you arrived from Sunnydale you stay locked up in your flat instead of enjoying your freedom . " Ethan moved to sit on the coffee table across from Giles . " If you miss her so much , go back . Although why you would want to is beyond me . All she did was make your life miserable . Good riddance to bad news is what I say . " Ethan didn 't care . " Come on , you need to get out . You need to stretch your wings a little . What 's a little magic between friends ? It will distract you . " " It always works for me . And you need some distraction before you wither up and die . " He held out Giles ' jacket . " Come on , let 's go . " Ethan grinned . " Only a little . It 's nothing you can 't resist if you really don 't want to go , but if you 're at all interested it will make it easier to say yes . Come on , let 's go have some fun . " Giles pursed his lips and let out a long breath . Then he stood and grabbed his coat from Ethan . " If I go tonight will you leave me alone ? " Giles groaned as the sun hit his face . His head was pounding and he thought he might throw up . He muttered . " God , I wish I was dead . " As he heard those words out loud he laughed bitterly . There was a little too much truth in them . He opened his eyes and saw he was back in his flat . He had no idea how he 'd gotten there . For his peace of mind he was going to assume it had been Ethan who had brought him home . Giles had done too much magic too fast and after his long hiatus it had gone right to his head . Giles groaned again when he thought of how he 'd spent the evening . And with whom he 'd spent it . He hated that he felt lonely and vulnerable enough to have allowed Ethan to drag him out . And he hated that the magic still held such allure for him , even after all this time . Thoughts of Willow filled his mind . He understood what she was going through all too well . Magic called to magic , it called to one 's blood , like the sirens of Greek myth sang to sailors causing them to leap overboard to their death . He had spoken to Willow of those with power ; people whom she would not want to meet . He had spent time with a couple of them last night . Trust Ethan to have created a group of extraordinarily powerful magicians of very questionable ethics . That he had partaken of rituals with men such as these made Giles feel soiled . And yet the power had been heady , and a part of him had been gratified to see that he was by no means the weakest of the group . His power had sung strongly last night . And even now it was pulling him . Using magic to save Buffy or to fight evil hadn 't woken this longing in him . The focus had been altruistic , not for pleasure . But last night had been just about pleasure . Getting lost in the rush , losing inhibitions , feeling free of all the emotional baggage that cluttered his mind day in and day out , feeling free of his desperate feelings for Buffy . Giles groaned again as he thought of her . He had only been away from Buffy for a couple of months but it felt like years . All he wanted was one day when he didn 't think of her . One day when he might feel as if he could actually build a life without her , find a way to get past the misery in his heart . The news he kept hearing from Anya didn 't help . Buffy was still unhappy , still not coping particularly . Things weren 't quite patched up between Buffy and the rest of them . Dawn was still skidding towards juvenile hall and Anya was sure that Buffy was sleeping with Spike . And Buffy never spoke with him . Nor would she take his calls . She never answered the phone at home and he could sometimes hear her in the background instructing Dawn to tell him that she wasn 't home . He had gone too far this time by leaving her . He didn 't think that going back was even an option . She hated him now for leaving her and he couldn 't even blame her . Giles knew the real reason he had left and it had very little to do with wanting her to learn how to live on her own . It had to do with him surviving . In a way , her death had been easier . He could grieve and move on , only half of what he had once been , but still , he could move on . But then she had come back and once confronted with her all his longings and feelings for her had grown exponentially inside of him until they started taking him over . In the short time they had spent together he had felt himself changing . He had felt himself allowing her to rule him , his decisions controlled by his need to be with her , to make her happy , to be what she needed him to be . And who he was , the man he was , was shrinking inside . In time he 'd have become little more than one of Glory 's minions , worshipping Buffy from afar , willing to accept whatever little dregs of affection she chose to send his way . So he had run . He had run as fast as he could and , even 8000 miles away , it didn 't feel far enough . She called to him , just like the magic did and he felt ragged inside . Giles was beginning to feel that too much of him was hers now to ever get it back , to ever feel whole again . The nausea surged and Giles ran for the bathroom . Sitting on the bathroom floor he muttered again . " God , how I wish I were dead . " And he knew that too much of him really felt that way . All day long he tried to stay busy . He tried not to think about Buffy and he tried not to think about magic . He cleaned his flat , and read the newspaper , even the want ads , and he went for a walk . Giles was determined to move on , to build a life for himself . But when Ethan showed up at his flat again that night , Giles picked up his coat and went with him . Every night he went with Ethan and every day he hated himself more . But the magic was the only thing that made him forget about Buffy and thinking about her hurt too much . Especially as she still wouldn 't talk to him . And the visuals that accompanied his thoughts about her and Spike being together were tearing him apart . They had done some conjuring last night . And for the few minutes that Giles had been possessed he had felt truly free . Free of the responsibility of his life , of making decisions , of slogging through every day as if it meant something to him . Giles knew this was dangerous ground . It was this that had gotten Randall killed , this that had allowed Eyghon to kill so many people and almost kill Buffy . But Buffy was safe and out of reach and Giles was finding it hard to care about the rest of it . And he was deciding that the few minutes of last night had not been enough time . Giles sat at his kitchen table drinking a cup of tea flipping through a book that he had pilfered from Ethan . This was the book Ethan always used for conjuring . The spell for Eyghon was in here , as was the spell from last night . The trick , Giles was sure , was in doing research . Knowing a little bit about the demon , more than what this book told you . Giles had a sizable library that would help him do just that . A small part of Giles , the part of him that was staid and sensible was screaming at him , but Giles ignored it and kept turning pages . Ethan could sense the magic brewing before he even opened the door . He grinned . Ripper was back in full force . Opening the door he stuck his head in . " Ripper ? " Ethan snorted . " We 'll be safe enough ? " He leaned a little closer . " What 's going on with you ? " Giles rolled his eyes . " You 're the one who said I needed a distraction . " Ethan 's eyebrows rose high on his head . " From life ? You need a distraction from being alive ? " Ethan might not always act like it , but even he had learned a few lessons after Eyghon , especially after that debacle in Sunnydale . That had been a little too close for comfort . Giles didn 't answer him or look at him . Ethan put out a hand and turned Giles ' face towards him and he blanched at the emptiness he saw there . He tried again . " Rupert , even I know this isn 't something to take lightly . " Giles just shook his head . " I know what I 'm doing . I 'm stronger than I was back then ; you are too . And I haven 't chosen anything particularly heinous . " He turned the book so Ethan could see what he was intending . " We can do this . " Ethan sat down , frowning . " This is my book and I don 't remember loaning it to you . " Glancing at Giles he was surprised to find that he felt a little out of his depth . " I see I 've created a Frankenstein . " He let out a breath . " She hasn 't called , has she ? " " Oh , come on , Rupert . What kind of friend was she ? See , that 's the problem , she wasn 't ever a friend . She was your Slayer ; it was a business relationship . And as far as she 's concerned , out of sight , out of mind . You left , you 're out . That 's not friendship and you need to stop fooling yourself . She doesn 't give a shit . " " You mean , she is trouble . " He put up his hand to stop Giles from responding . " Okay , I 'll stop badmouthing the poor little thing . " He tapped the book . " How far do you think you can run with this ? You 'll still be here ; you 'll still be Rupert Giles when it 's done . This is only a temporary solution . " " Will you stop calling her if I stay ? " When Giles didn 't answer , he asked again . " Will you at least think about it ? Every time you call she hurts you again , ripping off the scab . You 'll never get past this if you keep calling . It 's time to let go . " Giles glanced at Ethan and he gave a brief nod . Ethan wasn 't sure if Giles had agreed to not call Buffy , or to simply think about it but it was enough for him . Ethan stood and shrugged off his jacket then took his place on the floor . " I assume you want to go first ? " Giles nodded . " I think I 'd better . Just in case I 've miscalculated . " He gestured to the chair across the room . " If things go wrong … " " That was different . I 'm not killing you . " He leaned back against the couch . " Just don 't fuck up , or we 're both dead . Clear ? " Giles nodded . Ethan tried one more time . " We can still go and join the others . " The demon was far from heinous . Actually Ethan found that he was enjoying himself . The demon didn 't even try and get out of the pentagram but rather seemed perfectly happy sitting there in Giles ' body and just chatting , getting caught up on what was going on in the world , discussing historical events and even sharing a killer recipe for baklava . Ethan was almost sorry to banish him when the time was up . Giles experienced the momentary disorientation when the demon left his body . After it passed he grinned at Ethan . " I knew we could do it . " " That 's where my Watcher training comes in handy . Many of these demons aren 't evil . But this book was written by someone who didn 't know the difference and just assumed anything not human had to be evil . " Giles nodded . " Many demons have been banished who never should have been . Many who deserved to live , who would have lived good lives , lives of meaning if someone filled with fear and ignorance and a little power hadn 't come across them . " " These that I 've chosen are a little tame for a gathering . There 's not much written about them , nothing that might pique your interest if you were looking for an evening of hedonistic fun and mayhem . " He looked at Ethan . " Your turn ? " Ethan shook his head . " No , not tonight . I want to go try out this recipe . " He grinned . " I love baklava . " He cocked his head to the side . " Could you hear ? Were you there ? " Giles nodded . " Just barely . Just enough to know I didn 't need to worry . " Just enough to know that he didn 't need to care , that he could check out and embrace oblivion for a short period of time . Ethan caught something in Giles ' voice that he didn 't like but he couldn 't put his finger on it . Giles ' was up to something . " You won 't do this without me , right ? " Ethan looked at Giles not believing him . If Giles wanted to do this on his own he 'd figure out a way . " Don 't do this on your own . " The phone rang and Buffy looked up from the dinner table . She didn 't move to answer it . Dawn rolled her eyes and got up . " Hello ? " She paused . " Oh hey Jennifer . Can I call you back ? We 're in the middle of dinner . Okay , bye . " She hung up . Dawn brandished her fork at her sister . " Besides , why do you care ? You never spoke to him , even when he was calling every other day . For two months he called and you never talked to him . I had to be the bad guy and tell him you weren 't here when I know he could hear you talking . I 'm not doing it anymore . " Buffy slunk down lower in her chair . She had depended on his calls . Even if she didn 't speak to him , his calls made her feel connected to him . His calls brought him into the house for a few minutes . She had known that if she wanted to she could speak to him the next time he called . It never crossed her mind that he would just stop . She 'd just been trying to make sure he knew she was good and hurt . Which she had been . But now she was miserable . Now it felt like he was really gone . Willow asked again . " Buffy , have you tried to call him ? " Buffy shook her head . " I know Anya talks to him . She 'd find out if something happened to him . " " Of course I care . I was just answering your question about how we would find out . Anya would find out . That 's all I was saying . " " Well , it might make him feel good to know that we were thinking of him . " She looked at her watch and frowned . " It 's the middle of the night there now . Maybe I 'll call him later . " She sat back . " A month ? He hasn 't called in a month ? I had no idea that much time had gone by . I hope he 's okay . " " He didn 't call here . He called the shop . He calls there once a week to talk to Anya . I just made sure I was there . I miss him . " She glared at Buffy . " Unlike some people I know . " Buffy got up quickly and left the room afraid she might break down and cry . Willow had seen the sheen of tears , though . She looked at Dawn . " She misses him , Dawn . She misses him more than the rest of us put together . " " He hurt her when he left . It 's weird when you love someone and hate them all at the same time . It does weird things to your head . " " I think he made her feel safe in a way none of us do . She 's just floundering a little right now . She 'll be okay . " Buffy sat out on the back porch . A month . Somehow it broke her heart that everyone was talking to him except for her . Even though she knew it was her fault that she had driven him away . Permanently , it looked like . Maybe she should call him . She wanted to . She wanted to hear his voice , to hear his soft chuckle , to hear his concern for her . Now that she couldn 't hear it , she longed for it . She longed for him . She heard footsteps and she rolled her eyes . " Not now , Spike . " Spike scowled . " I don 't know . Like one picked up where the other left off . Like you could finish each other 's sentences , like he always knew when you were down and out . I don 't know , stuff . " He scowled again . " Not to mention how he almost pushed me through a bookshelf when he thought I was coming on to you . " Spike had to admit that he had been glad when the Watcher had gone . It had left things a bit more open for him . " Well , fuck you too , Slayer . You know you have this annoying habit of blaming everyone else for the decisions you make . I didn 't rape you , you know . " " Well , I can fix that . The last time you were missing him you kissed me , remember ? So , come on , I 'm willing to go again . " She looked at him , too distraught to be disgusted . " It won 't work this time . " She rested her head on her knees . Spike watched her for a minute and he could see that indeed , it wouldn 't work this time . She was too far - gone in her misery . He stood up . " Well , when you finally figure out that he 's gone for good , you know where I 'll be . " Spike pursed his lips . " You know , I 've heard that before . " He grinned . " You 'll be back . " With that he sauntered off . Buffy shook her head and spoke softly . " No , I won 't . " She reached into her pocket and pulled out a piece of paper . It had Giles ' telephone number on it . Buffy had been carrying it around for two weeks . She 'd almost called him a dozen times a day . Buffy just couldn 't imagine what she would say . She wasn 't ready to forgive him ; the pain of his leaving her was still too sharp . But she couldn 't bear to not have him be a part of her life . So how do you have a conversation like that ? Tell him that he needed to call so she could make sure that he knew she was still hurt ? She couldn 't just chat with him , she couldn 't pretend it didn 't matter that he was choosing to live so far away from her . She didn 't want to hear about his new life , about how he was moving on . What she wanted to tell him he didn 't want to hear . He needed to come home . He needed to be with her . She thought about what Spike had said . That where Giles had left off she had picked up , or vice versa . Buffy had never consciously thought about it but that was a good way of putting it . The problem was that now where she left off there was no one there , like half of her was drifting away without something to hold onto . She wrapped her arms around her knees and laid her head down again . As she sat there all she could think about was how much she wished he were there . Over the next month Ethan and Giles conjured eighteen demons and during that time Giles just stopped calling Buffy . Some of them were banished quickly because they were utter bores , or not as benign as they had thought . But the majority of them had been good company . Giles had quizzed Ethan at some length as to who his favorite had been . Now that he knew , Giles was planning on reconjuring him tonight . Ethan had gone along with the conjuring mostly because he didn 't know how to stop Giles from doing it , and because while they were doing it Giles had stopped calling Buffy . It 's not that he didn 't enjoy it but he couldn 't shake the idea that Giles was up to something , but he couldn 't figure out what it was . Giles had been right , the conjuring had been easy and the two of them were handling it fine . But as the days ticked by Ethan found himself getting nervous . Call it intuition or just their long years of friendship but Ethan knew something was up . Nothing seemed out of order tonight . The sigils on the floor were the same . Giles seemed a tad distracted but nothing that couldn 't be explained by too much magic and not enough sleep . Ethan watched him closely as he stepped into the circle . " Maybe we should not do this tonight . " Giles looked at Ethan , a flash of alarm crossing his face before he could school his expression into one of studied indifference . " Why ? Do you have someplace to go ? " Ethan looked down at Giles ' hands . They were clenched tightly at his side . He didn 't know what to do anymore . It was as if his friend was slipping away . " Rupert … " Ethan didn 't speak with him long . He knew Giles wouldn 't be happy about it but Ethan wanted this last time over . As he reached for the book that held the spell that would banish the demon again , Zurvan spoke . " The owner of this body wishes to speak with you . " Ethan sat up straight , his eyebrows high . " Rupert ? " In a moment Ethan could see that Giles was back in control , the familiar gaze staring at him . " What is it ? " Giles shook his head . " No , that 's not the kind of rest I need . I 'm tired to my bones , I 'm tired of my life . " " Thank you for trying to help . I just think he 'll do a better job with it . Maybe he 'll do a better job making something worthwhile out of it . " He softly smiled again . " And at least I know he 'll keep you entertained , probably better than I could . " Ethan 's heart was racing now . " What the hell are you doing ? " Giles began an incantation . Ethan let out a cry and lunged for his book beginning his own incantation , the one to banish Zurvan . Giles finished first and Ethan watched as the familiar gaze of his friend vanished . Ethan finished his incantation but it achieved nothing . Giles ' body was still there but Zurvan looked out of his eyes . Ethan stared at him accusingly . " Where the hell is he ? What did you do to him ? " " Bring him back . " Ethan moved closer and yelled . " God damn it , Ripper . What the fuck are you doing ? " He looked at Zurvan , his eyes desperate . " Where is he ? Is he still there ? " Zurvan closed his eyes for a moment . " His essence is still here , it is tied to this body , but he is not consciously aware . " Ethan covered his face with his hands . " Fuck . " He stood . " Fuck . How could I be so stupid ? " He crouched down right outside the pentagram so his eyes were level with Zurvan . " Wake him up . Make him listen . " Zurvan shook his head . " He has already chosen . " Again he lifted his hands . " He has given me his body . He has given me life . " Zurvan accessed Giles ' memories . " He had no further use for it . " " I do not know the answer to that . Why do you fight this ? It is what he wanted . Do you not wish to honor the choice your friend has made ? " " No , I do not wish to bloody honor the choice he made . It was a bad choice . He wasn 't right , he wasn 't thinking right . " " It would seem that despite your unhappiness with the situation that your friend has made his decision quite clear . " He looked down at the floor . " Will you remove the pentagram ? " " Well , when that body starts getting uncomfortable enough maybe he 'll start to notice . " Zurvan looked down at the lines surrounding him . He closed his eyes and his body began to shimmer . Ethan backed away . Still shimmering Zurvan simply stepped over the lines . Once across the lines his body firmed up again . Ethan stared at him . " How the hell did you do that ? " Ethan went to stand in front of the door . " You can 't leave . I won 't let you leave . " If he left , his friend was as good as gone . " You cannot stop me but I will not leave quite yet . I have much to learn before I venture outside . The world has changed greatly . " He walked slowly to the window and looked outside . " It has been a thousand years since I have been free to walk the earth . " He continued to stare out the window . " This body has much knowledge . It will be useful . " " I understand the words but I am unfamiliar with the concept . Perhaps when I have reviewed this body 's memories I will be more able to understand your distress . " Ethan didn 't want to talk to him anymore . His mind was racing furiously trying to figure out what to do . He had no idea how long he had until Zurvan felt ready to leave and he had no idea how he could stop him . It would probably be just as easy for him to do that shimmery thing and choose a road where Ethan wasn 't blocking the door . " Fuck . " Ethan slumped against the door and let his head fall back , hard , against the wood . Ethan was pouring through every book Giles had hoping he would find something he could use . Zurvan was still at the window . Every time Ethan looked at him he could feel his frustration rise again . He could barely stand to see his friend and know that it wasn 't him , that it might never be him again . If it came to that he supposed it would be easier to just let Zurvan go . Ethan lifted his eyes from his book and ran a hand through his hair . He was still sick at the thought that he had missed it . He 'd known how unhappy Giles had been . But it never crossed his mind that Giles would do something desperate like this . And Ethan felt that he should have known ; that he should have figured it out in time to stop him . He saw Zurvan start to move . " Where the hell are you going ? " Zurvan turned to look at him . " I seem to want … some tea . I have reviewed the procedures and I feel that this is a task I can perform . " He headed slowly into the kitchen . Zurvan stood there for a moment getting a sense for everything and then he lifted the kettle and shook it to ascertain how much water was in it . He added some more and then put it back on the stove , turning on the burner . He turned to Ethan . " I must say , this method of heating takes much less effort than the way it used to be . " As he opened the cabinet he spoke again . " Would you like some tea ? " Ethan closed his eyes . It felt obscene to watch this being in Giles ' kitchen , making tea , asking the same question that Giles had asked Ethan thousands of times , but have it not be him . His voice was thick when he answered . " No . No tea . " He cleared his throat . " Zurvan ? " " Will you fight me on this ? You know that I am going to try and find a way to unbind you . If I find it , will you fight me ? " He shook his head . " No , I will not fight you . If it is my destiny to remain in this body then so be it . If it is not , then so be it . I will assist you if I am able . I begin to understand this term friend . You were also his friend . " He frowned . " Your relationship was quite complicated . " " There are many emotions inside of this body , many emotions regarding you . Much of what I feel inside is disappointment . Disappointment that you two drifted apart , that you chose different paths . You were quite important to him . " The kettle began to whistle and Zurvan returned to his task . Moving slowly and carefully he poured the hot water in the teapot and placed the tea within to steep . " This is a soothing ritual , is it not ? " " Rupert thought so . " Ethan sighed . " I guess I will have tea . " He paused . " Seeing as you 're so willing to help , do you have any suggestions ? " Zurvan thought for a minute . " No , he is even farther away now . I can barely sense him . I do not know what it will take to bring him back . " He shook his head . " This emotion , this heaviness in the heart and body . This is sadness ? " Ethan moved into the kitchen as well . He gestured towards the teapot . " You better check that . He doesn 't like it to steep too long . " Ethan slammed his hand down on the counter . " Buffy . Jesus , it always comes back to her , doesn 't it ? I wish he 'd never met her . I always knew she 'd kill him one way or the other . " Suddenly his eyes widened . " Buffy . " Ethan ran to Giles ' desk looking for an address book . When he found it he flipped through it but she wasn 't in it . He looked all over the desk looking through scraps of paper , anything that might indicate how to reach her . When he came up empty he picked up the phone . Working with an international operator he was finally connected with information only to find out that Buffy Summers ' phone number was unlisted . He slammed the phone down and sat back in his chair . After a moment he spoke . " Zurvan ? " Ethan took it . " Yes . " He started pulling all the contents out and finally he let out a cry of triumph . He looked at a clock . Midnight . Perfect . Middle of the afternoon in Sunnydale , the store would still be open . Pulling the phone closer he began to dial . Anya snorted . " I just spoke with Giles yesterday and he 's fine . So , whatever you 're up to , it 's not going to work with us . " Anya slammed the phone down . The phone started to ring again . They all ignored it . Anya flicked the answering machine off . They all started to shift a little impatiently as the phone kept ringing and ringing . Anya picked up the phone again and huffed into it . " What ? " " Please , this is important . If you won 't give me her number , ask her to call Rupert 's . I 'll be here . I have to talk to her . " Ethan clenched his jaw . " I know that . This is all her bloody fault . Tell her to call if she ever wants to see her Watcher again . " " He just told me to have Buffy call if she wanted to see her Watcher again . That 's a classic kidnapping line . I see it all the time on TV . " " Ethan kidnapped Giles and is holding him at his own home ? Seems to me that 's the first place anyone would look . " He shook his head . " I 'm not buying it . I think it 's a joke . " Willow spoke up . " I don 't think so . He doesn 't even call the house anymore . " She looked at Anya . " Did he sound okay on the phone yesterday ? " Anya hesitated . " He said he was sending some stuff in the mail for me to sign . And then he said that he knew I 'd do fine and not to worry . " She looked indignant . " Of course I 'll do fine . I don 't even know why he said that . Then he just said that he was tired . He asked if Buffy was around and I said no and he said to send his love to everyone and he hung up . " Buffy walked in about an hour later . They all turned to look at her . She slowed down at the looks on their faces . Anya volunteered the information . " Ethan Rayne 's kidnapped Giles and is holding him for ransom . " Xander waved his hand . " No , we don 't know that for sure . All we know is that Ethan has called three times looking for you and … " Anya glared at Xander . " And he said that you needed to call if you wanted to see your Watcher again . And then he said it was all your fault . " She looked at Xander . " I forgot about that part . " Buffy was already at the phone . " He is so dead if I ever see him again . " The phone hadn 't even rung once when it was picked up . " Buffy ? " Ethan let out a sigh and handed the phone to Zurvan . " She wants to speak to you . " Buffy 's brows furrowed as she listened to Ethan talk . " No , you put this part up to your ear and talk in this part . " " No , that man is no longer here . This is Zurvan . " Zurvan looked at Ethan . " Who is this ? Where is she located ? This is amazing . She sounds as if she is right here . " " No , you misunderstand . Ethan 's friend , Rupert Giles , the man who used to inhabit this body bound me into it so he could depart . He felt it was time to choose a different road . " Ethan blew out a long breath . " I didn 't know he was going to do it . I swear . I 'd have stopped him if I 'd known . I knew he was depressed . I knew he … " Ethan hesitated and then he blew up . " You couldn 't have fucking called him ? One fucking time ? Was that too much to ask ? I kept trying to tell him to move on , that you didn 't give a shit about him , that while he may have thought that what the two of you had was special , it was obvious that you didn 't , but he kept hoping . " Ethan let out a short bitter laugh . " He conjured a demon , a pleasant demon I 'll grant you , Rupert 's learned to do his homework . And then he did a binding spell giving control of his body to Zurvan and then he checked out . " There were tears running down Buffy 's face . Xander , Anya and Willow were all watching her , deep concern on their faces . Buffy thought she might throw up . Swallowing down bile Buffy spoke . " How do we … is he … oh God . " Guilt and misery swamped her and she started to cry . Ethan was impatient . " Buffy . It might not be too late . Zurvan says his presence is growing weaker but it 's still there . Rupert can undo this but only if he chooses to , only if we can make him aware enough to convince him to . I 've tried , Zurvan 's tried . He 's in too deep . " Ethan interrupted her . " I don 't know why after all the pain you 've caused him but for some reason he loves you and you 're important to him . Trust me , it kills me to ask you to help but I don 't know what else to do . Maybe he 'll want to talk to you . Not talking to you made him give up so maybe talking to you and seeing you will bring him back . " " Come here . I 've secured you a seat on the off chance you might agree to come . There 'll be a ticket waiting for you at the airport . " Ethan gave her the details . And then he spoke again . " And Buffy , when you get here , if you bring him out and then you do anything to hurt him , Slayer or not , I 'll push you out the bloody window . " " He left me . He . Left . Me . I didn 't want him to go . I wanted him to stay here . He left . He broke my heart . " " Yeah , well you bloody well broke his first . " Ethan let out a sigh . " Just get on that plane . I 'll pick you up outside . " Ethan hung up . Buffy handed the phone to Anya who hung it up . Xander spoke first . " What is it ? What 's happened to Giles ? " His stomach was churning . Buffy attempted to stand but her knees felt wobbly . Xander assisted her up . Buffy looked up at him . " Giles has been taken over by a demon . " Buffy 's eyes filled with tears . " No , I did . " She fought back a sob and looked at Xander again . " I need a ride to the airport . I have a plane to catch . " " I 'm going to Giles . " She brushed her tears away and looked at Willow . " You 'll watch Dawn ? " Willow nodded . " I have to stop by the house and get some stuff . " Ethan was there just as he 'd said . He popped the trunk so Buffy could put her bag in but he did not get out of the car to assist her . She slid into the passenger seat . " Ethan . " He just nodded at her . " Buffy . " Ethan put the car in drive and he drove to Giles ' . Neither of them spoke for the duration of the ride . When they arrived Ethan parked the car in the garage and turned the car off . He turned to Buffy . " Look , I know you can 't stand me and the feeling 's mutual . But , this isn 't about either of us . " Buffy looked up and saw the unhappiness in Ethan 's eyes . " I 'm here , aren 't I ? I came . I never wanted anything … " She turned away . Letting out a long breath she turned back to him . " Just take me to him . " " You and I . We 're probably the two people Rupert cares for the most and we 've both completely fucked him over . " He got out of the car . " He 'd have been better off not knowing either one of us . " Buffy just stared at him for a minute not wanting to believe his words . Then she slowly got out of the car and followed him in . As they stood outside the door they both paused . Buffy looked up at Ethan and to her surprise he looked at her with some kindness in his eyes . " Don 't let it throw you . He takes some getting used to . He looks so much … " His lips tightened and he shook his head . Unlocking the door he pushed it open . He was standing there by the window . Buffy headed over to him , hoping that it had all been some huge mistake , or some gross practical joke . It looked just like Giles . Buffy almost threw herself in his arms but then he turned and looked at her . And she saw that whatever this thing was , it wasn 't Giles , not anymore . Zurvan smiled . " Ah , you must be Buffy . I have been trying to access all the memories this body holds about you . There are quite a few and I haven 't yet finished . " Buffy just stared at him , a chill going down her spine . His voice sounded the same , except the emotion was gone . This wasn 't the voice Giles used when he spoke to Buffy , his tones filled with concern or compassion or annoyance . He looked at her and nodded . " I can see that this distresses you much as it distresses Ethan . " Buffy 's voice was tight . " He is my friend . " She didn 't know if she could stand this . She could feel Ethan standing a little ways behind her . Zurvan nodded . " I apologize then . " He cocked his head just a little to the side the way Giles always did and Buffy 's heart clenched . " I did not choose for this to happen . " " Why did it happen ? " She turned to look at Ethan and then back at this thing that looked like Giles . " Why ? Why did he do it ? " Buffy looked at Ethan again and the two of them exchanged a similar look . The tea was too much a part of Giles . Both she and Ethan hung around the periphery of the kitchen watching Giles ' body make tea . He made both Ethan and Buffy 's tea just the way they liked it and then he poured his . He smiled as he took a sip . At the look on their faces he sighed . " It is difficult for me to understand all of what he was experiencing . I am not human . I have spoken at some length to Ethan about it to try and make some sense of the human experience . You seem to have difficult and convoluted lives . " Buffy interrupted . " Oh , you never meant to hurt him ? You never meant to turn him into a demon , or back into a teenager , or kill me by putting that tattoo on me ? You didn 't mean that ? I feel so much better . " " Yes , he did . He left me for you . " Ethan slammed his hand down on the counter . " Damn . " He was feeling too raw to have this conversation . Ethan rolled his eyes . " No , we weren 't . We were friends , the best of friends until he went back to become a Watcher . It changed him . " " So all that stuff in Sunnydale is because you were mad at him ? Because you were angry that he left you ? " Buffy moved close to him . " Because you felt he abandoned you ? " " Well , get in line . " Her eyes were flashing . " I was angry too . And maybe you were right , what you said downstairs , maybe we both have fucked him over but you know what ? For the two people he cares about the most he did a pretty good job on the two of us , didn 't he ? He doesn 't quite get the squeaky - clean friendship award . He left us both . He abandoned us both . " She pointed at Zurvan . " And now he 's done it again . " Ethan just stared at Buffy , somewhat disoriented to suddenly find himself standing on the same side of this argument as she was . He let out a half laugh . Buffy was a little taken aback when Ethan flashed her a grin . " Well , I suggest we not let him get away with it this time . " Buffy saw the humor and determination in his eyes and for a second she saw the man that Giles had chosen to be friends with . The man Giles still chose to be friends with despite all he 'd done . She smiled tightly back . " You 've been seeing him , then , since he 's been back ? " " Almost every day . " He pointed to the window . " He 'd be sitting there , staring outside , staring at nothing . I 'd drag his ass out . I made sure he ate . He was a mess . " Ethan nodded . " He was a mess then too , but I could get that . I could imagine what he was going through . But I didn 't understand this . He wouldn 't talk about it . All I knew was that you wouldn 't talk to him and he was lost . " Ethan didn 't let her finish . " No , you don 't need to say anything . I understand , really I do . You just had the power to hurt him more than I did . Whatever happened between the two of you , it was obviously more than he could deal with . " " I got him back into his magic . I thought it would distract him . " He snorted . " Well , it did , a little too well . " He shook his head . " We 've been conjuring for weeks but I had no idea what he was planning . We 'd conjured Zurvan here a couple of times and both Rupert and I had spoken with him . Rupert had obviously already come up with the idea and was searching for the right demon . " He looked at Buffy , the misery clear on his face . " He told me that he was tired . That he was tired of this life , that he needed a rest . He told me that Zurvan would keep me entertained . " His eyes grew angry again . " Bloody entertained . " He looked around for something to hit . Ethan needed no encouragement . He let one fly and Buffy found herself on her butt . Ethan grinned . " Thanks , I do feel better . " He reached down a hand to help her up . At a noise from Zurvan they both turned . He had been watching their argument with fascination . Now , his eyebrows had risen . " That got his attention . Just for a second but I felt it . " Buffy got excited . " You mean when he hit me ? " She turned to Ethan . " Hit me again . " Ethan complied . Buffy got up and looked at Zurvan . " Anything ? " Zurvan shook his head . Buffy gestured at Ethan . " Come on , make this look good . " The two of them went at each other . They crash landed on one of the end tables . It shattered underneath them and the lamp went flying . Buffy pulled her punches the best she could but Ethan went for it . He put every inch of his anger and frustration at her and what she represented into each of his punches and kicks , wanting it to look real , wanting Giles to think that maybe she could be in danger . She accidentally walloped him with a kick and he flew across the room . He lay there , momentarily stunned . Buffy ran to him . " Oh God , I 'm not very good at pulling my kicks . Are you all right ? " Zurvan frowned . " No , he is more present but still largely unaware and making no attempt to communicate . " He looked at them both . " I am sorry . " Buffy threw herself down on the floor next to Ethan . She leaned against the back of the couch , closed her eyes and covered her face with her hands . Finally she spoke . " What do we do ? " Ethan pulled himself up so he was sitting against the wall as well . " I don 't know . " He gestured at Zurvan , calling him over . " Talk more . See if we can figure something out . " Zurvan lowered himself to the floor and sat with them . " Can you remember what he was the most upset about ? What was bothering him the most ? I mean exactly ? Maybe that would help . " " As I said before I haven 't had time to access all his memories and feelings about you . I would suggest you both sleep . I understand that these bodies need time to recuperate . This body must rest as well . While it rests I can sift through all the memories and we can talk tomorrow . " Buffy frowned but then she paid attention to her own body . She was exhausted from the trip and the fight with Ethan hadn 't helped . A rest would be good . She looked at Ethan . " Where do I sleep ? " Ethan looked at her for a moment . " Rupert 's room . I 'm in the guest bedroom . Zurvan can take the couch . It 's where he slept last night . " Buffy just sat on his bed for a while . She was glad Zurvan had suggested a rest . She needed a little time to regroup . It was difficult to believe that she was in England when just a little while ago she had been in Sunnydale with no plans to go anywhere . She was also having a hard time dealing with what had happened to Giles . A part of her wanted to go in the other room and crawl on the couch with that thing and just have him hold her . She missed his body , his size , and his strength . Buffy had wanted to hold him for so long that the desire in her for his proximity was like this live presence inside of her . The other part of her wanted to run . Because that thing , it wasn 't Giles . And she missed that part of him more than anything . His humor and view of the world , his experiences of being her Watcher , of knowing her better than anyone had ever known her . She missed his sarcasm , and eye rolling and the way he took his duty so seriously . She missed everything about him , the inside part . The mind and heart and soul of him . It was disconcerting to be allied with Ethan , even more disconcerting to find herself understanding him a little . And she was angry with Giles , still angry with him for leaving her in the first place and even angrier that he had done this . It was as if he had killed himself . And it hurt to think that he would do that to her . And it hurt to think that she had contributed to his feeling so hopeless that he saw no other way out . Buffy understood hopeless . She understood wanting to be dead . But she didn 't understand it for him . It was essential for her that he be alive . Buffy stood and walked across the room to look out the window , wondering how often Giles had stood here and done the same . Looking with some inner vision across the Atlantic Ocean , across the United States , all the way to Sunnydale , all the way to her . She looked back at the bed and realized that the last time it had been slept in was when Giles was still Giles . Buffy walked back over to it and lay down , reaching for his pillow . She laid her head on it ; imagining she could smell him , sense him there . Again , a longing for him suffused her . She let out a cry , holding the pillow close to her face to muffle the sound . What would it take to bring him back ? What did he need from her ? She felt so lost . What could she offer him ? More of the life they had had ? More death and suffering ? She couldn 't stay here with him . And he clearly didn 't want to be there . What could she give him , what would bring him back ? Getting up again she went to his closet . She looked at his clothes , running her hand over the fabrics . She had brought some pajamas but she took out one of his shirts and taking off her clothes she put it on , rubbing it close to her body . It almost covered her to her knees . Buffy went into his bathroom and touched his things there . She held his razorblade and squirted some of his shaving cream on to her hand . Finding his aftershave she sat on the toilet and just held it under her nose , her eyes closed , the smell making him feel so present to her . FinShe found an envelope and pulled it out . It wasn 't sealed so she opened it . Inside were several pictures , and all of them were of her . They were a little worn as if he looked at them all the time . They were a mix . One was of her at the prom , one a family portrait of her with Dawn and her mom . A couple looked as if they had been cut out of pictures of a larger group , one was even her yearbook picture , torn from the yearbook . Eight in all . She carefully opened up a small piece of newspaper . It was her obituary . Buffy held them a little farther away as tears began to fall . The first few tears had caught her unaware and they had splattered on a couple of the pictures . It seemed so sad , that after all they had been through , after all they had meant to another , that this was all he had . Eight lousy pictures . He should have scrapbooks of all their years together . Scrapbooks filled with mementos of all the silly times , and happy times , and scary times , and angry times , and make up times , and him and her times . Pictures of the two of them . Buffy didn 't even think she had one picture of Giles . Not one . Suddenly it all seemed so stupid . So stupid that they were apart . So stupid that they had ended up here , a million miles apart in every way . She needed pictures of the two of them and for that they had to be together . And that meant he had to come home . Buffy snorted . That would be sure to work . She spoke softly . " Come on out Giles , come out and live again . Come home with me so we can have our picture taken together . So we can build a scrapbook of our lives together . You and me . Like a family . " She let out a sad laugh and shook her head . Buffy put the pictures back in the envelope and replaced them in the drawer . Her heart was aching . She went back into the bathroom and retrieved his robe from where she had seen it hanging on the back of the door . Crawling back into bed she held it in her arms , wishing it were him . Buffy finally drifted off into an uneasy sleep . In the morning Ethan went in to get Zurvan some clean clothes . He stood there and watched Buffy sleeping . She was curled up on the bed in one of Giles ' shirts , one of his handkerchiefs held in one hand and his robe tucked tightly against her . Against his will he felt a moment of compassion for her . Moving quietly he opened Giles ' closet and pulled out an outfit . Then he went into the bathroom and retrieved some of his toiletries . Zurvan had wanted to try and shave but Ethan had dissuaded him . Having Giles bleed from a dozen spots on his face seemed an inauspicious way to start the day . Buffy 's eyes opened as Ethan was creeping across the room back to the door . " What are you doing ? " Ethan turned around . " Just getting him some clothes . He 's been wearing the same thing since he … well … he needs to take a shower and change . " Buffy 's eyes unexpectedly filled with tears . " I missed him . " She covered her face with one of her hands . " I 'm sorry . " A sob escaped her . Ethan let out a sigh and moved to sit on the side of the bed . " I never thought I 'd ever say anything like this to you but I 'm sorry I … " He paused and tried again . " I know this is hard for you , and I 'm sorry if I 've made it harder . " " I never meant to hurt him so much . " " I know you didn 't . " He stretched out his legs in front of him . " I wish I hadn 't been so blind . I wished I 'd understood how much he was hurting . " Buffy put out a tentative hand and touched Ethan 's arm . " He wasn 't exactly share guy . " She let out a soggy giggle . " Willow called him the emotional marathon man . " Ethan barked out a laugh . Buffy spoke softly . " Did Zurvan say anything about him ? " Buffy sat up . " We 'll figure it out , Ethan . We 'll get him back . " Her voice was shaky and still thick with tears as if in denial of her own words . Ethan patted her hand and stood . " I hope you 're right . " He looked at Buffy . " Just so you 're prepared … Zurvan went out this morning and bought you jelly donuts . " Buffy let out another sob and ran for the bathroom shutting the door behind her . Ethan just stared at the closed door for a moment . Zurvan had shown up with Ethan 's favorite kind of scone as well and Ethan had had to fight off some of his own tears . Heading back out , Ethan shut the door to Giles ' bedroom behind him . Buffy took a long hot shower and cried herself out . Finally she shut the water off , dried herself and got dressed . She wore her own clothes , a pair of jeans and a T - shirt but she covered the whole ensemble with another one of Giles ' shirts . Ethan had already seen her at her worst . Between wearing one of Giles ' shirts to sleep in and cuddling his robe she knew she must have looked about as pathetic as she could be . Ethan noticed the shirt but he didn 't say anything . Zurvan was bustling around in the kitchen . He looked up when Buffy came out . " Ah , you 're awake . I have finished accessing his memories . He seems to know many of your preferences . " Zurvan pointed at the box on the counter . " I have bought you donuts , jelly ones . " Buffy was grateful Ethan had warned her . She was able to give him a small smile . " Thanks . " Zurvan nodded . " It was an interesting exercise . I have tried several tasks this morning and believe that I have been successful at achieving the appropriate end result . " He ticked off a list on his fingers . " I have shopped and spent money . I have taken a shower and gotten dressed . And of course , I have made more tea . " He looked down at himself . " Have I dressed correctly ? " Buffy looked at him . He was wearing jeans and a Henley that was not tucked in . His feet were bare . Somehow it made his attire seem so intimate . Giles was rarely this casual . Buffy blushed . " You look fine . " " Good . This type of clothing is unfamiliar to me . So much of this is unfamiliar . It will take me some time to sort it all out . " Buffy felt a surge of anger and she had to fight to keep her mouth shut . She wanted to hit him for even talking as if he was here to stay , as if he had a right to experiment with this life . Buffy glanced at Ethan and saw the anger there in his eyes as well . For a second their eyes held and then he looked away . Zurvan pushed the box closer to her . " Have one . I have eaten two already . " Buffy reluctantly took one and she nibbled on it . Zurvan opened the refrigerator door and pulled out some orange juice . " I believe you like this as well . Shall I pour you a glass ? " Zurvan just looked at her . " Ah , this distresses you . I understand . I thought you would find it comforting . " He looked at the juice in his hand . " However , despite your distress , perhaps you would still like some juice . Would you ? Shall I pour you a glass ? " Ethan let out a snort . Then he got everyone 's attention . " Let 's get back to the problem at hand . I 'm afraid the longer he 's gone the less chance we have of getting him out . " Buffy let out a long breath . " What made him do it ? What pushed him ? Was it me ? Was it because I wouldn 't talk to him ? " Buffy felt it had to be more than that . She and Giles had gone through other times of not talking , of being estranged from one another , and he 'd been all right . He hadn 't been happy about it but he 'd been all right . Zurvan hesitated . " It is difficult . If it was just thoughts it would be easy for me to communicate them , but all his thoughts are coupled with strong emotions and I do not understand them all . " " Very well . " He thought for a moment . " His strongest emotion is hard for me to explain . It is surrounded by sadness and other emotions I haven 't identified yet . " Zurvan shook his head . " No . " He stared at Buffy . " Let me try and describe it . It centers here . " He touched his chest , over his heart . " It makes it ache but in a different way than sadness does . It makes it feel full . " He thought for a moment . " He called it love . " Buffy let out a cry . " He didn 't think I loved him ? He left because of that ? " She turned to look at Ethan . " That doesn 't make any sense . He knew I loved him . " Zurvan looked puzzled . He sat there at the table thinking . Finally his eyes lit up in comprehension . " This word love , I see that it gets used in many ways . " He pointed to the box on the counter . " He loved jelly donuts , he loved to learn , he loved the rain . " He glanced at them both . " Is that normal ? To love in so many different ways and to love many different things ? " Ethan nodded . " It is an overused word . It is used for affection , for preference , for exclamation . And occasionally it is used to describe someone who has extra meaning for you , someone who is very important to you . " Zurvan looked at Buffy . " His love for you was another kind of love . " He looked frustrated at his inability to adequately explain . Ethan was the one who guessed . " He was in love with her , wasn 't he ? " Zurvan considered the phrase . Then he nodded . " Yes , that is the way to say it . In love . He was in love with you . " He looked at Buffy . " Is that phrase significant to you ? " Buffy opened and closed her mouth a few times . " I … he … " She shook her head feeling completely flummoxed . " He never told me , he never did anything . . . " She glanced at Ethan and at the look on his face she felt defensive . " How was I … how … ? " She finally looked at Zurvan . " How long had he felt that way ? " Ethan again was the one that guessed . " I think he figured it out after you died . He kept talking about it being too late but I just assumed he was talking about the fact that you were dead . Which he was , but he obviously was speaking of something more . And it would explain why he 's been the way he 's been since he left you . " Zurvan had to think again but finally he spoke . " There was too much sadness . He couldn 't stand being so near to you , being with you every day , having you treat him like he was your … " He looked confused for a moment , “… I do not understand . A mother is a female , correct ? " At Buffy 's nod he continued . " Why does he think you thought he was your mother ? " " All right . He couldn 't stand to be with you and not be able to touch you . He wanted to engage in mating rituals with you . " Buffy 's jaw dropped but then she thought about the short time they had spent together after she had been brought back . To his reaction to first seeing her , to his repeated attempts to touch her , to take care of her , all the way to his announcement that he was leaving her . that he had to leave because he couldn 't say no to her . She 'd been so blind . And she 'd looked to Spike to make her feel alive when all the time … Alarmed at where her thoughts were going Buffy stood so fast her chair fell . She looked at Ethan . " I gotta go take a walk . " Ethan looked at her , wondering what was going on in her head . Finally he nodded . " Don 't get lost and don 't be long . " " I won 't be long . I just need to … " She shook her head . " And I won 't get lost . I always know where I am . It 's a Slayer perk . " He gestured towards the door of the flat and with that as encouragement Buffy headed towards the door . She turned before she left . " Do I need a key ? " " One of us will be here . But if it makes you more comfortable take his . " He pointed to the keys sitting on the table by the door . Buffy just ran at first , as if she could run away from the entire situation if she could just go fast enough or far enough . Finally she slowed down and walked at a quick pace , no particular destination in mind , not that she could have had one even if she wanted one . She had no idea where she was , what there was around to see . Finally she found a small park and finding a bench she sat down . Giles was in love with her . And he had found it so horrible that he had essentially chosen not to exist any more . The Buffy Summers charm continued . She thought Riley had gone far away but he was an amateur compared to Giles . She didn 't know where to start . Nothing about this felt good to her . It would be different if Giles were waiting for her in his apartment . If she could hold him and rest her head on his chest while she worked this through . If she could feel his arms hold her closely , listen to him breathe , his chest rising and falling . Have him try to stutter his way through an explanation . It would be so easy then . They 'd work it through , eating their jelly donuts , him making them tea . But he wasn 't . The only one making tea back from where she had just fled was Zurvan . Buffy tried to remember the last time she had really touched Giles . Certainly when he had first returned from England . Those few minutes while he had held her had been the safest she had felt from the time she had been brought back to now . She certainly hadn 't felt safe in Spike 's arms . She hadn 't been able to let her guard down for a second . Buffy hadn 't felt safe at all except that night , and the night she 'd been with him and he 'd given her that money . The night she had told him that having him around was like having her mom back . Buffy let out a rueful laugh . If only she 'd known . But what if she had known ? What if that night he had told her that instead of being a rakish uncle that he wanted to be her lover ? Buffy felt a moment of sadness when she had to honestly admit that it would have made her angry . It would have felt like one more expectation , one more thing that somebody wanted her to do , to be , when all she wanted was to rest , to be in heaven again , to be free of all responsibility . Giles had been right . She hadn 't been in any shape to discuss it , to even hear it . And yet , nothing had made her more desolate than him leaving . Was it just about being safe ? Is that all he meant to her ? She knew the answer to that was no , but she wasn 't sure how to define what he was to her . She wasn 't sure what he could be . And he 'd know . He always knew when she was off . There was no way she could go back and tell that him that she loved him and she wanted him and for him to come out , not unless she meant it . Besides , if she did that and it was a lie , and she hurt him like that , she 'd throw herself out the window and save Ethan the trouble . That would be beyond cruel . She knew she longed to touch him . Ever since he had held her that night in the Magic Box , a part of her had wanted to be in his arms . And after he had left she thought about it all the time . Buffy tried to imagine him touching her . Engaging in … mating rituals . Buffy blushed but she stuck with it . It was easier than she thought it would be . It was much easier than imagining herself with Spike again . It would be weird but it wouldn 't be bad . In fact , it might be nice . It might be nice to have someone touch her that knew her so well , someone who accepted her for what she was . She felt an unexpected warmth pool in her lower body as she thought of Giles ' hands and what they might do to her , and as she thought of him lying on top of her . She felt a longing to be next to him , to be as close to him as she could be . To feel his gentleness coupled with his strength , to see a smile on his face , to see him smile at her , for her . To see him happy . But would it make her happy ? Would this be enough for her ? Could she take him home and commit to him , deal with what the gang might say , what Dawn might say ? With a flash of anger she realized that she didn 't give a shit what any of them said . If this were what she chose to do they 'd have to deal . Besides Buffy was pretty sure that Dawn would be secretly delighted to have Giles back . Of course , Giles would need to deal with Dawn . But that didn 't really concern Buffy too much , not now that she knew why he had really left . Taking care of Dawn had been a convenient excuse but he 'd probably resented it more because Buffy had treated him like her personal slave than because of Dawn . The whole thing felt so cold and clinical toBuffy burst back into the apartment . She sought out Ethan and when she saw him she smiled at him , really smiled at him . " I can do this . " She nodded . " I mean . " She walked over to Zurvan and she frowned . Somehow she had forgotten . Somehow a part of her had been thinking that Giles would be here . Buffy had forgotten that any declarations of love would have to be made to , well , to Zurvan . Hesitating she glanced at Ethan . " I … " She grimaced . " I can 't . Not with you watching . " She gestured at Zurvan . " I can hardly bear to do it with him watching . " Buffy grabbed Zurvan 's hand . " Come on . " Buffy turned back to Ethan and she smiled softly at him . " I 'll call for you . If he comes out I 'll tell you right away , I promise . " Buffy turned to Zurvan and screwed her mouth up , thinking . She pushed him down to sit on the bed . Then she pulled him back up . She stepped up close to him and then she backed away . Letting out a small mewl of frustration she stared at him , trying to find a way to pretend this was Giles . Finally she told Zurvan to get on the bed and lean against the headboard . Buffy got on the bed too and sat near him , facing him . Zurvan watched her , his face curious . She looked at him . " Is this weird for you , knowing that if I do this , if I bring him out , that you won 't be here anymore ? " Buffy scrunched her face up . " You have to shut your eyes . " Zurvan complied and Buffy felt better immediately . It would be much easier to pretend this way . Buffy decided she better explain . She touched him and he opened his eyes . " I 'm going to talk as if he 's here . I 'm going to tell him things , and maybe I might … I might touch him . I need you not to say anything . I need you not to touch me back . I need to know it 's him touching me if that happens . Okay ? " Buffy closed her eyes for a second , too , willing herself to just see Giles . When she opened them she reached out and took Giles ' hands in hers . She brought them to her lips and she kissed them and then opening them she pressed them against her face . " Giles . I need you to come back to me . " She blew out a breath , trying to get past the lump in her throat . After a few moments she spoke again . " I just discovered something . I just discovered that I don 't want to live without you either . " She looked at his face . And she loved him . Buffy pulled his hands from her face and brought them down . Keeping one of his hands in hers she began to trace his face with her other . She touched the crinkles at the sides of his eyes ; with feather light touches she ran her fingers over his eyelids and down his nose . " I wish I could let you see inside of me . I 'm so bad at this stuff . I 'm so bad at saying what I mean . And it 's never been so important for me to make someone believe what I 'm saying . " She ran her fingers over his lips . Leaning forward she very softly pressed her lips against his . " I want to kiss you , but I need you here for that . I want to hold you but I need you to hold me back . " She let her hand drop to his chest , resting it over his heart . " I know that you love me . That you 're in love with me . Zurvan told me . What I didn 't know was that I love you too . That I 'm in love with you too . " She lifted the hand she was holding and brought it to her lips again to kiss . " Giles , I need to see you looking at me . I need you to tell me that you love me . Suddenly nothing feels as important to me as that . " She shifted closer to him and she rested her head on his chest . " Please , come back to me . Please hold me . Please don 't leave me alone . " She rested against him for a minute and then she pulled away . Buffy felt a moment of hopelessness . She had no idea if he was hearing her , if he was even aware of her . She didn 't want to ask Zurvan , she didn 't want to stop pretending that this was Giles . Pushing down her despair she touched his face again , this time running her fingers along his jaw . " We belong together , I see it now . I 'm sorry I didn 't understand before . I 'm sorry things got so bad . But I 'm here now . We 're together now . " Buffy leaned in and kissed him again . This time her lips lingered , she gently bit his lower lip , and then pressed her lips full against his . She pulled back and touched his lips again with her fingers . " Your lips are so soft . I wish you would kiss me . " Buffy sighed . " I don 't blame you if you are finding this hard to believe . I 'm finding it a little hard to believe and I know it 's true . " She paused trying to find the words , trying to find the way to convince him . " Remember when I told you that having you around was like having my mom back ? I meant that in a way . But , now I get what I really meant . What I meant was that when my mom died it left a hole in my life that I didn 't ever think could be filled again . I missed her so much and I felt lonely and afraid of dealing with my life . But that night , when you gave me that money , when you sat there and looked at me , and loved me , what I felt was the hole filling in . What I felt was not alone , what I felt was that I didn 't need to be afraid if you were with me . " Buffy started to cry . " I need you to come back to me now because if you don 't then that hole will be back but it will be so much bigger , it will be so big that I can 't face it . " She leaned again against his chest . " I don 't know how to live without you anymore . " Buffy just sobbed against him , her tears soaking his shirt . " Giles , come back to me . " As he continued to just sit there Buffy 's heart began to break and she sobbed even harder . Buffy didn 't even notice it at first . She was too lost in her misery . But then it slowly started sinking in . His arms were around her and he was stroking her hair . Buffy 's heart began to race . Was it Zurvan ? Had he been unable to ignore her crying ? She could hardly bear to look . Buffy lay there for another minute , just enjoying the touch . Finally she had to know . Her voice still hiccupy she spoke his name . " Giles ? " His answer was soft . " Yes , it 's me . " Buffy let out a cry and she pulled away , having to see his face . " It 's you ? You 're back ? " She could see his eyes ; Giles was looking at her . She touched his face with her hand . He smiled sadly . " Not completely . Zurvan is still bound in this body . He is allowing me to be in control . " Buffy said it for him . " How can you know this is real ? " Giles nodded , his eyes vulnerable . Buffy smiled at him and then she leaned forwards and kissed him again . He stayed still at first but Buffy persisted . She shifted even closer to him and snaking a hand behind his head she pressed him against her . Touching his lips with her tongue she invited him to open to her . When again he hesitated she spoke softly . " Giles , kiss me . I want you to kiss me . " With a groan Giles ' lips opened and he met her tongue with his own . Buffy let out a cry and kissed him with all the love in her heart . Their arms were wrapped tightly around each other and Buffy thought her heart might burst in her chest . She started to laugh . " I 'm happy . I 'm happy again . You make me happy . " It felt like such a foreign emotion to her , like a bubbling well in a desert . Giles looked at her face , and saw the Buffy he used to know . Before her resurrection , before her death , before Glory . The Buffy who used to be happy , and filled with life . " Oh , Buffy . " He touched her face , his eyes filled with wonder . Ethan was in the door so fast she wondered if he 'd been standing outside . Ethan knew , he knew as soon as he saw her face , the happiness on it . He looked at his friend . " Rupert ? " Ethan almost tripped over his own feet he turned so quickly . Grabbing the book he brought it back in and handed it to Giles . While Giles flipped through the book Ethan grinned at Buffy , and he fought off the urge to hug her . She grinned back . They both looked up as Giles started an incantation . When he was done Giles shut the book and Ethan took it from him . He gave him a second to let his disorientation pass . Then he spoke . " Are you back now ? " Ethan laid the book down on the bed and then hauled back and punched him . " If you ever do anything like that again I will bloody well kill you . " Buffy 's eyes were wide as she stared down at Giles , now sprawled on the floor . Ethan extended a hand and helped him up pulling him into a hug . Ethan held him so tightly Giles grunted . " You scared the shit out of me . I thought I 'd lost you . " Ethan laughed again . He turned to Buffy . " Don 't get used to it because I 'm sure it will fade but I actually kind of like you right now . " Picking his book up he brandished it at Giles . " I 'm taking this back and I 'll thank you to leave my magic books alone . " Taking another long satisfied look at Giles he spoke one last time . " I 'm going home . I 'll call later . " With one last look at Giles and a wink at Buffy he sauntered out . Buffy came up off the bed . " Come on , let 's put some ice on that . " She dragged him out to the kitchen . She opened the freezer and pulled out some ice cubes . Finding a plastic bag she placed the ice cubes within and then very gently put the bag against his jaw . " He 's stronger than he looks . " She touched her own jaw . " Trust me , I know . " Buffy glared at Giles . " You didn 't mean for me to get hurt ? Because Ethan punched me ? But it never crossed your mind that letting a demon take over your body might upset me a little ? " Giles didn 't respond and just looked at the floor , interested suddenly in the tile pattern there . Buffy 's eyes filled with tears . " You didn 't think I 'd care , did you ? " Giles glanced at her quickly and then away but not before she saw the uncertainty and vulnerability there . " You didn 't seem to want anything to do with me . You wouldn 't talk to me . I knew you were with … " Giles turned his head away . Buffy looked horrified . " You knew ? Oh God . That is so over . It was over before I knew anything had even happened to you . " Giles just nodded briefly but he again didn 't respond or look at her . Buffy sighed . " Giles . The only reason I didn 't talk to you was because I wanted you to know I was mad at you . " Buffy felt a lump in her throat as she heard the sadness in his voice . She needed to do something to make things better . Moving over to him she touched the other side of his jaw . " How 's it feel ? " Buffy stood on her tiptoes and brushed her lips against his . " Does it feel good enough for me to do this ? " Giles looked at her . Again she rose . " Or how about this ? " She kissed him a little more firmly this time . " Or this ? " She bit the side of his neck , then soothed it with her lips and her tongue , and then moved up to nibble on his ear . Giles let out a groan . " Buffy . " She looked up at him and laid a hand on his face . " Giles , what happened in the bedroom , those things I said ? They were the truth . I didn 't just say them to get you to come back . I said them because I meant them . I love you . " She nodded her head at him , her eyes pleading with him to believe her . " You , Rupert Giles , Watcher , older than me guy , book guy , tea guy , I love you . And you 're stuck with me . And you 're never leaving me again , ever . " Pulling his head down this time she again pressed her lips against his . Giles threw his bag of ice in the sink and with another groan he wrapped his arms around Buffy and pulled her up tightly against him . He repositioned his head so he could better access her lips . He kissed her with months of pent up passion and Buffy felt her body grow weak with desire . She lifted one of her legs and curled it around him to try and move even closer . Giles cupped her bottom , lifting her and she wrapped her legs around him . Holding her tightly he moved them back into the bedroom . Resting one knee on the end of the bed he slowly laid her down . He stood there watching her , lying on his bed . She waited for him to join her but he didn 't . She cocked her head to the side . " What is it ? " She patted the bed . " Come here . " Giles let out a small laugh . " I 'm feeling a bit disoriented . You don 't know how often I 've fantasized about having you here in my bed . And now that you 're here I think I 'm afraid that I 'm still just imagining it . " He sat beside her on the bed . " How long have I been gone ? " Giles shook his head . " No but then I didn 't want to . " His lips tightened . " I just wanted to be gone . " His eyes took on a distant look . Giles let out a long breath and then he unexpectedly grinned at Buffy . " It 's like I conjured you , right to my bed . I said an incantation to lose myself and then I find you in my arms . " His grin faltered . " Am I really out ? Am I imagining this ? " Buffy prodded him in the jaw , not too hard . " Feel that ? " He grimaced . Then she placed her hand over his crotch and caressed his cock . " Feel that ? " Giles thrust against her . " Yes , I feel that . " He covered her hand with his own and helped her to stroke him , both of them feeling him grow hard . Still stroking him she spoke softly to him . " So , you fantasized about me ? " " What did you fantasize about ? What were we doing ? " Buffy grabbed one of Giles ' hands and placed it between her own legs . Giles shifted his body so he could fully cup her . He leaned down and bit one of her breasts , teasing the nipple through the thickness of her clothing . He grinned . " Nice shirt . " Buffy grinned back and then put her hand over his to make him press harder . Instead he rolled so he was lying on top of her , and he thrust against her . Buffy groaned . " We have way too many clothes on . " She grinned again and rose . " I 'll be right back . " Then she frowned at him . " And I want you out of those clothes , mister . " Giles stripped off his shirt and lay back on the bed . Another feeling of disorientation swept through him and he panicked for a moment . With almost a sense of desperation he got up and walked to the bathroom , straining to hear her within , almost expecting that he would hear nothing , that she wouldn 't be there . When he heard her movements in the bathroom he let out an enormous sigh of relief and with his arms braced against the doorjamb he waited anxiously for Buffy to open the door . Seeing her standing there in his shirt , seeing his fantasy of her come alive Giles felt his body flame with passion . He pulled her roughly into his arms and lowered his face to claim her lips . His mouth slanted over hers as he begged her to open her mouth under the onslaught of his tongue . Buffy felt as if he was consuming her and she opened herself up to him , responding to his need . His hands swept under his shirt and he touched her , finding her wet and ready for him . As he entered her with his finger Buffy let out a cry and parted her legs , allowing him easier access to her . He inserted a second finger and her head fell back against the doorjamb at the sensation . He got down on one knee and as he continued to slowly move his fingers in and out he found one of her nipples with his mouth and began to suckle , the shirt growing dark with the moisture from his mouth . Buffy had both her hands on his head , trying to remain standing . His head began to move lower and pushing the tails of his shirt aside he tongued her soft curls , teasing her clit with little flicks of his tongue . Buffy let out short cries every time he teased her . Trusting that Buffy could keep her balance Giles removed his hand from her hip and used his fingers to open her more fully so he could taste her . Buffy parted her legs further , awash in the sensations he was causing in her . And then , as he sucked on her clit again she exploded into an orgasm . Feeling Buffy 's vagina pulse around his fingers made him want her even more . He slowly pulled his fingers out and he stood . Taking her hands he put them on the waistband of his jeans . " Take them off . Take them off now . " Buffy had to shake herself out of her daze but when she realized what Giles was asking her to do she started to work on his jeans . When the button seemed to be denying her access she just ripped it open and pulled down his zipper . She wanted to feel him , get him inside of her and with an almost frenzied haste she backed him up and pushed him down on the bed so she could pull his jeans off . She crawled up his body and she took him in her mouth . Giles let out a groan and his hands fisted in her hair as she tasted him and used her tongue to drive him crazy . Finally when he could stand it no longer he flipped her over and parting her legs with his he positioned himself and drove himself into her . Buffy let out a cry of satisfaction as she felt his hard length enter her , pierce her . She sobbed his name out and found his lips . Giles was lost in her . Thrusting his tongue in her mouth he thrust his cock into her body . Pulling back he grinned at her , a fierce look of joy on his face . He slowed his pace down and found her hands . Pulling them to her front he spoke , his voice harsh . " Rip it open . Let me see you . " She let out a moan as he slowly pulled out of her and then entered her just as slowly . " This shirt ? You want me to rip it off of me ? " Giles nodded . Buffy ran her hand over the shirt , touching her breasts , teasing her own nipples . " You want to see me ? " Buffy fingered the edges of the shirt and taking hold she ripped the shirt apart , buttons flying . She lay there under his gaze , loving the hungry look in his eyes . Giles caressed her breasts , suckling first on one and then the other . As Buffy 's fevered panting grew more frantic and her cries increased Giles began to thrust hard again , his pace growing as she began to climax . Thrusting a few times more he found his own release and they clung to each other as they rode out the storm . In time their heartbeats and their breathing began to calm down . Giles would have moved off of Buffy but she protested so he remained , content to feel her underneath him , knowing her strength could withstand it . She ran her hands up and down his back , making little happy sighs . Giles finally pulled his head back and looked at her . She grinned . " Was that as good as your fantasies ? " Giles let out a half laugh and touched her face . " Buffy , in my fantasies you weren 't here . So I 'd say that it would be impossible to compare . But allow me to reassure you that you are better than any fantasy could ever be . " Giles leaned down and kissed her . " I 'll buy a dozen of them . " He touched her face , reverently . " I love you so much . " Buffy let out a happy sigh . " I love you too . " Her eyes lit on the bedside table and she frowned . " But I have a bone to pick with you mister . " Giles ' eyes opened wide . " What are you talking about ? " Buffy rolled them until she was on that side of the bed . She opened the drawer , pulling out the envelope . Giles stilled when he saw what she had . " When did you find those ? " " Last night . " She opened it up and pulled out the pictures . Finding the one she was looking for she held it up . " My yearbook picture ? Could I look more horrible ? You so cannot keep this . " She flipped through the pictures again . " And this one , look at my hair . Look . " Giles started to grin . She didn 't even notice . " The first thing we 're doing when we get back is getting some real pictures done . Pictures of you and me . " She glanced up to find him grinning at her , this delighted look on his face . " What ? " He nodded . " Never in any fantasy of mine did you pull those pictures out and start complaining about how you look in them . " He started to laugh . " Only you , the real you , would do that . " Buffy grinned at him as he lay on his back and laughed . She had made him laugh . The satisfaction of that raced through her . Buffy decided then and there that she 'd make him do that as often as she could . It looked good on him . She put the pictures back in the envelope and rolling to her side she replaced them in his drawer and then she snuggled into his side . She ran his fingers through the hair on his chest . " So , you are coming back to Sunnydale with me , right ? " When he didn 't answer right away she leaned up on her elbow and glared at him . " I wasn 't really asking you , you know . " " I know . But you did . So , I 'll take care of you and you 'll take care of me , and together we 'll do all right . " She asked him again . " So , you 'll be coming back with me , right ? " She nodded her head , encouraging his answer in the positive . He grinned . " Right . " She let out a satisfied sigh and lay back down . Pulling the blanket over them Giles wrapped his arm around her and nestled together they gently fell asleep . Ethan drove Giles and Buffy to the airport . It hadn 't taken Giles long to get things ready as he hadn 't done much to settle in . They now stood near the security gates and it was time to say goodbye . Buffy , after a moment 's hesitation , made herself scarce . Ethan shook his head . " I don 't know why I put up with you . " They both shared a smile knowing that for the most part it was Giles who put up with Ethan . Giles continued the charade . " I 'm glad you do . " He put his hand on Ethan 's shoulder . " Thank you . " " Will you come and visit me , Ethan ? Will you come as a friend ? I 'd like to be glad to see you instead of feeling like I need to duck . " Ethan gave Giles a crooked grin . " Old friends . I 'll see what I can do . Besides we promised Zurvan we 'd visit now and then . " Giles grinned . " Yes we did . I 'm thankful he found the whole thing so fascinating and doesn 't hold any sort of grudge . " Buffy had been a nervous wreck but he and Ethan had conjured Zurvan again to thank him and make sure that he was all right . They had used Ethan as a vessel . Neither Ethan nor Buffy could stand the thought of seeing Zurvan staring out of Giles ' eyes again . Ethan and Giles stood there grinning at each other . Then they heard a click . They looked up to see Buffy holding a small disposable camera . She gestured to them . " Stand side by side . " Ethan and Giles both rolled their eyes but they complied . Buffy took another picture . Then she handed the camera to Ethan . " Now take one of us . " Ethan took a couple of them and then handed the camera back to Buffy . She looked up at Giles . " I 'm starting us a scrapbook . And this is where it starts . " She looked at Ethan . " I 'll send you a copy . " She hugged him back fiercely . " Thank you for calling . Thank you for letting me try . " She pulled back out of the hug and looked at him . " I can 't believe I 'm saying this but will you come and visit ? If you promise not to do anything that will make me have to kill you ? " Giles ' eyebrows rose but he didn 't say anything , choosing instead just to put his arm around her . He noted the time on a clock on the wall . " We better go . " Giles let out a gasp . " Good Lord . I sent her papers to sign giving the shop entirely over to her . " He slapped himself on the forehead , appalled that he had forgotten . Buffy started to laugh . " Don 't worry . Xander called while you were out with Ethan a couple nights ago . Fortunately he was the one who opened it and once he saw what it was he called . I told him to burn it . You still own half the shop . " Hours later on the plane Giles had fallen asleep . Buffy was almost asleep herself . Snuggled in his arms she noticed a flight attendant walking by checking on everyone . Buffy stopped her . The attendant looked at her . " May I help you ? " Buffy nodded and trying not to disturb Giles she rooted around in the pocket in front of her . She pulled out her camera and spoke softly . " Will you take a picture of us ? " The woman smiled and took the camera . Buffy closed her eyes and lost herself in the luxury of being in Giles ' arms . She fell asleep right away . The attendant took a picture of the two of them and then gently she replaced the camera in the pocket . Taking another look at the sleeping couple she smiled and then headed on down the aisle . |
Spoilers : None Author 's Notes : This is a sequel to the fanfic " Unrequited " . If you haven 't already read it , you should go do that before reading this one . Though not absolutely necessary , you 'll have a better understanding of what 's going on in this story if you do . in the car . He almost couldn 't believe she was there , Sam , the woman he had secretly been in love with for years . They were on their first date , and he was nervous . Actually , he was just shy of petrified . What if , after this first date , Sam decided that she wanted them to remain just friends ? Yes , they 'd already shared two amazing kisses , but that might not mean anything . Sam had just been told by Jack that there could never be anything between them . She was hurting when Daniel found her in her lab and , in the conversation that followed , finally confessed his unrequited love for her . And then came the kisses and the reservations for dinner . It had all happened so fast . Was he fooling himself into believing that he had a prayer of seeing his love returned ? Vying for time in Daniel 's thought was the other event of this day . He 'd finally had to tell Vala that he didn 't love her and that they could never be together . It hadn 't been easy seeing how it hurt her , though she tried hard to hide it . But what a shock he 'd received a while later when he learned that Vala was going on a date with Jack . Jack ! What a concept . Daniel nodded in agreement . " Yes , I heard that it was a nice restaurant . It 's only been a couple years since it came in , I think . " The poor man who 'd just brought Jack and Vala to their table was looking at all of them , eyes slightly widened , probably wondering if there was going to be a scene . Jack decided that now would be a good time to sit down before there was a scene . He pulled out a chair for Vala and laid a hand on her shoulder to encourage her to sit . Still staring at Daniel and Sam , she did so . He then took his seat . With a relieved sigh , the waiter handed them their menus and asked if they wanted anything to drink . Jack ordered a bottle of wine , and the waiter hurried off . Daniel had his gaze focused on the table , afraid to look at Sam . The date had barely begun , and it was already a catastrophe . Why , why , why did Jack have to pick this restaurant to take Vala ? Daniel drew in a deep breath and let it out . He found the courage to meet Sam 's eyes . " I knew that Jack was taking Vala out , but not that , out of all the restaurants in the city , he 'd bring her here . " The wine arrived at that moment . As soon as her glass was poured and the waiter was gone , Vala took a big drink . In all her adventures throughout the galaxy , this was probably the most disconcerting . " No . Well , I did attempt to seduce him once or twice . . . maybe three times . But I swear he never took me up on the offer . Of course , there was that kiss on the Prometheus , but that probably doesn 't count since he was tied up at the time and called me a fruitcake afterwards . I didn 't know what that meant then , but it didn 't sound especially complimentary , so I hit him . " Jack was just staring at her now , dumbfounded . Oh , he was definitely going to be having a talk with Daniel . " Well . . . I have to give you points for being candid . " " I wonder why , " Jack muttered under his breath . He glanced over at the table of his former teammates . Daniel and Sam both appeared to studying their menus with almost religious fervor . Despite appearances , Daniel 's mind was not on the selection of food . ' I 've got to do something about this , ' he told himself . He glanced up at Sam , who was frowning at her menu . He reached over and touched her arm . " Sam , I 'm sorry . I just didn 't want you to be hurt . And if you 're thinking it was because of our date , you 're wrong . That had no bearing on it . I just knew that you were still hurting over Jack and . . . . " He shrugged . Daniel smiled in relief . He gave Sam 's hand a squeeze and released it , turning his eyes back to his menu . " See something you like ? " " Ummm . " Sam looked at her menu a bit more . " I was thinking of either the snow crab or the lobster . I 'm in a seafood mood tonight . " Any other man might have teasingly suggested the oysters , but Daniel didn 't . . . even though he thought about it . " Lobster sounds good . Actually , so does the crab . " Now that their meal decisions were made , Sam couldn 't help but glance over at Jack and Vala , hiding the look behind her wine glass as she took a sip . They appeared to be talking rather animatedly . Sam had to admit that it bothered her . She 'd had feelings for Jack for a very long time and only just today had her dreams of a future with him dashed to the ground . Even though she had come to realize that her dreams had been totally unrealistic , it still bothered her to see him there with Vala . She wasn 't seething with jealousy , but she wasn 't happy about it either . Once they 'd decided what to eat , Jack and Vala got into a conversation that developed into Vala chatting away about the interesting things she 'd discovered about American culture . Jack watched her , amused by her lively discourse , which was broken only for a moment by the waiter coming to take their order . As Jack had already discovered , she could be alarmingly candid and seemed totally unacquainted with the concept of tact . But then , tact wasn 't one of his strong suits either . " What ? Uh , no . Pigs don 't talk here either , unless they 're named Babe . To be honest , I have no idea why it 's called Pig Latin . " Jack managed to hide most of his smile . " Oh , no doubt . I 'm sure it 's one of the thirty or forty he knows . You 'll have to ask him to teach it to you . Very important language to know in this country . " At that moment , the farthest thing from Daniel 's mind was Pig Latin . He and Sam 's orders had been taken , and he was now trying to think of something to say . He hadn 't failed to notice Sam glancing over at Jack and Vala more than once , and , yes , he was jealous . He was also pretty unhappy about the whole thing . Here he was , having his first date with the woman he was head over heels in love with , and the guy she 'd had a thing for during the last nine or ten years was sitting just a few yards away , and she couldn 't stop looking at him . But then , was it really reasonable for him to expect her to suddenly get over those feelings ? That 's when Daniel had a terrible thought . Maybe she 'd gone on this date only because she couldn 't have Jack . Was this just a rebound thing ? Suddenly , Daniel was feeling a whole lot more than a little down . Perhaps he shouldn 't have gotten his hopes up . Maybe it really was too much to hope that Sam could ever feel even half of what he felt for her . After yet another surreptitious glance at Jack and Vala , Sam looked at Daniel . He was staring at the table with a sad expression on his face . What was wrong ? ' You idiot . Maybe it 's because he 's seen that you keep looking over at Jack and Vala . ' Here she was on a date with a man who had confessed his love for her , and she was paying more attention to another man . Sneaking another glance at the other couple , Vala saw the astrophysicist holding Daniel 's hand , the two of them smiling at each other . She felt a brief twinge of jealousy , but tried to ignore it . Okay , so there seemed to be something between Daniel and Samantha , but she shouldn 't let it bother her . After all , it 's not like Daniel was the only attractive , interesting man on the planet . She was sitting across from one right now . In fact , it was high time that she devoted her full attention to that man . Jack had seen the latest glance and followed it to the subject . At least it looked like Daniel and Sam were having a nice time . That was good . He 'd been afraid that Sam had only agreed to go on a date with the archeologist because of what Jack told her . He didn 't want to see Daniel get hurt , and Sam dating him only because she couldn 't have another man would really hurt him . Jack knew that his best friend had been in love with Sam for quite a while now . Oh , the younger man had tried to hide it , but Jack had seen the signs anyway . And then there was Vala . Jack was beginning to wonder about her , too . Maybe he was the one on a date with a woman on the rebound . Well , not exact rebound since , according to her , there had never been any kind of relationship between her and Daniel , but , judging by the way she kept looking over at the other couple , Jack suspected that Vala 's feelings for the archeologist might be deeper than just sexual attraction . If that was the case , he should just thank her for a nice evening at the end of this date and walk away . Though he had no expectations of anything serious developing , Vala was the kind of woman that he wouldn 't mind getting to know . He knew that she drove Daniel totally up the wall , and any woman who could do that was someone he 'd like to know better . Daniel was glad that Sam was no longer looking at the other two , but he was still feeling low . He was really beginning to think that he 'd just been fooling himself into believing that he could have a chance with Sam . She still loved Jack . She would always love him . Keeping his sadness hidden , Daniel talked with Sam about all different things , the conversation wandering from subject to subject . He couldn 't help but watch her admiringly , her face , her hair , the dress she wore . She was so beautiful . But then , she was always beautiful in his eyes . His heart ached for her . He wanted to take her into his arms and kiss her again . He wanted way more than that . Years of dreaming what it would be like to be with her had left him with such a longing that there had been times when he was certain he couldn 't keep it to himself any longer . Then he 'd think about how devastating it would be to have her tell him they could only be friends , and he kept silent . " I would love to go to a game sometime , " she said and truly meant it . She was a bit of a sports fan herself and had watched more than one of this planet 's sports on TV . She especially liked football , although that had more to do with the tight pants displaying the fine derrieres of the players than it did the game itself . Jack studied her face , seeing the keen interest in her eyes . " Well , as it so happens , there is a game in Denver tomorrow , and a buddy of mine has extra tickets for it . But I was planning on leaving in the morning . " " Couldn 't you delay your trip back ? I truly do love all manner of sports . I 've played what you call basketball with Daniel , Cameron and Teal ' c , and it was very enjoyable . I 've tried to get Daniel to take me to some sort of game , but he doesn 't appear to be interested . " " Daniel 's not much into sports . " Jack paused . " Wait a minute . Daniel plays basketball ? " He paused again . " Teal ' c plays basketball ? " Jack was amazed . " Well . Things really have changed . And here I 've been missing all the fun . Not that my knees could take basketball anyway . " Speaking of passion , at that moment , Daniel and Sam were in the midst of a passionate discussion about the history and philosophy of astronomy and the things early astronomers got right and wrong . Sam was thoroughly enjoying herself . How long had it been since she and Daniel did something like this ? Way too long . " Daniel , Carter , " Jack greeted as the couple came up to him and Vala . " Enjoy your meal ? I noticed that you seemed to be sharing a lot of your food with each other . " " Oh . Um , yes , sir , " Sam said , feeling a little uncomfortable . " Daniel and I couldn 't make up our minds on whether to get the crab or the lobster , so we got one of each and split our meals . " " Actually , my plans have changed , " Jack told her . " I 'm taking Vala to a hockey game tomorrow . She 's quite a sports fan and has never seen one . " " Oh , " Sam responded , feeling even more uncomfortable . This was just too weird , thinking of Jack and Vala doing things like that together . She was also worried that the alien woman was just playing Jack to get into his pants . After all , she 'd tried repeatedly to get Daniel into bed . The general could certainly take care of himself , but Sam would hate to see him being used like that . Daniel 's heart sank as he watched the expression on Sam 's face , which made it clear to him that she was not happy about Jack and Vala 's plans . This really was just one big folly , wasn 't it . He should have known all along . Daniel swallowed to relieve the tightness in his throat . " Oh . Uh . . . actually , Sam , I think I 'm going to have to take a rain check . I 'm not feeling up to it right now . " " I know that it 's Jack you really wanted to be with tonight . I can 't be a substitute for him , Sam . I love you too much . So , I think it 's better if we just go back to being friends . " Daniel gave her a sad smile . " Thank you for tonight . I 'll never forget it . " Then , before Sam could say anything , he turned and strode away down the walkway . Sam had just gotten her foot out of the stuck shoe when Daniel drove away . She stood there , watching his car disappear into the night , her heart tearing open . This was all her fault . She should have ignored Jack and Vala right from the start . She was supposed to be paying attention to Daniel tonight . Now , he thought that she 'd only gone on the date because of what happened with Jack . Furious with herself , Sam bent down and ripped the shoe out of the crack , not caring that the heel broke . She took off the other shoe and went into the house , hurling the footwear across the room . She flopped down on the couch . Was he right ? Had she gone out with Daniel only because she now knew that she could never have Jack ? Was he a substitute ? Yes , some of those feelings for Jack were still there . She 'd clung to them for so long that letting go was hard . It was going to take time to completely put them to rest . But then there were those feelings she experienced while kissing Daniel . That had been real and shockingly intense , not to mention a huge surprise . She 'd never expected to feel like that toward him . Even so , she very much wanted to feel it again . Sam didn 't know what to think . Could you have feelings for two men at the same time ? The point was that the thing with Jack was over , dead , and there was a wonderful man out there who loved her and wanted to be with her . She really needed to talk with Daniel , but not tonight . It was late , and he was too upset . Tomorrow , he 'd be calmer , perhaps more willing to listen to her . Jack glanced at Vala at they rode down the base elevator . It had been odd picking up a date here at the SGC , and it felt equally odd dropping one off here . Not that you could actually call it dropping off . He was staying just down the hall in a VIP room . Vala smiled . " All right . I 'm looking forward to our day tomorrow . " She paused a moment , then , on impulse , kissed Jack 's cheek . She then slipped inside her room and shut the door . Sam hung up the phone . It was her third attempt to reach Daniel this morning and the third time that there was no answer , both at his house and on his cell . She 'd already left one message , and she was starting to get worried . Was Daniel seeing her name on Caller ID and simply choosing not to answer ? That didn 't seem like something he 'd do . He was too much of a gentleman to ignore her calls . Deciding to go over to his house , Sam grabbed her purse and headed out the door . She was getting in her car when her cell phone rang . Her hopes soared that it was Daniel , but then she saw the caller 's number . Disappointed , she answered . Sam disconnected the call . Daniel was gone , run off somewhere . God , how much pain must he have been in to do that ? Sam knew in her heart that it was because he 'd felt that he couldn 't be around her , that he had to be away from her for a while . Sam didn 't know what to do . Should she try to find out where he was or wait until day after tomorrow to speak with him ? She hated the idea of him spending today and tomorrow hurting . She didn 't want him going through that . But she had no idea where he could have gone . That 's when a thought occurred to her . She started the car and drove to the SGC . Once there , she went to the control room . There were actually two ways that she could track Daniel 's location . The first was through the GPS chip in his phone . But , considering that he wasn 't answering it , she guessed that either it was off or he didn 't have it with him . That left the other way . Sam sat at a console and brought up a screen . She typed in a few commands , and the data she was seeking came up . It was telling her where Daniel was via his subcutaneous locator chip . She recognized from the latitude and longitude that he was still in the Colorado Springs area . She jotted down the info , then closed the program . Jack looked over at Vala in amusement . She was yelling at the top of her lungs about the player for their team who had just gotten put in the penalty box . A big tub of popcorn was between her legs , and she was wearing a jersey for the team Jack had told her they were rooting for . On the way to Denver , Jack had given her a primer for the sport of ice hockey . She had soaked it up like a sponge , asking tons of questions . Once they got to the game , she had thrown herself wholly into it , cheering like a maniac when their team scored and booing when the other team did . Jack found that her energy and enthusiasm were contagious , and he was right there cheering and booing along with her . He couldn 't recall the last time he had this much fun at a game . No , actually , he could . It was the last one he 'd gone to with Sara and Charlie . That made him think about his wife . Sara had adored hockey , too , it being one of the passions they shared . In fact , it had been at a game that he met her . They were seated next to each other and got into a conversation . By the time the game ended , they 'd made plans for a date . Jack glanced at Vala again . In some ways , she was a little like Sara , in others , she was very different . One way they were alike was their zest for life . Sara had lost some of that zest after Charlie 's death , but he always remembered the vivacious woman he married . Daniel stood gazing at the red rock formations . It had been years since he 'd gone to the Garden of the Gods . Unfortunately , he wasn 't in the mood to fully appreciate the natural beauty surrounding him . Perhaps he shouldn 't have come . He 'd just felt the need to go somewhere , to get out of his empty apartment . After a virtually sleepless night , Daniel had decided this morning that he just couldn 't face going to work tomorrow and seeing Sam . He needed more than a single day to get past the pain inside and move on . When he saw Sam , he needed to be able to look her in the eyes and tell her that it was okay , that he understood and was all right with being just her friend . That was something he simply could not do right now . But would he ever really be all right with just being her friend ? He 'd lived that way for all these years since realizing that he loved her . But that was before he knew what it felt like to hold her in his arms and kiss her , before he 'd allowed himself to hope that she could be his . It was going to be so much harder this time getting back to the " just friends " place . But he 'd do it . He had to . Ever since the Ori and their followers were dealt with , Daniel had been thinking about requesting a transfer to Atlantis . . . again . He was no longer needed here . Of course , Mitchell would not be happy , but he 'd get over it . With the Ori and the Goa ' uld gone , SG - 1 would do just fine without Daniel . Now , with this latest situation with Sam , the idea of going to Atlantis was even more attractive . In Atlantis , he could lose himself in the work , and not seeing Sam every day would make things so much easier . It would probably also make things easier on Sam . It was going to be very awkward for her to be working with a man she knew loved her and she didn 't love in return . All in all , it would be the best decision for both of them . Daniel continued down the path . All around him were tourists , taking pictures of the scenery and their families . Their laughter and voices added to the sound of the wind blowing through the formations of rock . Sam came to a stop a couple of feet away . " You wouldn 't let me talk to you , Daniel . You wouldn 't let me explain . " Daniel 's gaze dropped to the ground . " You don 't owe me any explanations , Sam . I understand . You still love Jack . I was just . . . . " " A substitute ? That 's what you said last night . Well , you 're wrong , Daniel . You are so wrong . " Sam glanced about . " Come on . We need to talk , and this isn 't the place to do it . " " Okay , now I 'm going to explain about last night , " Sam said . " But , first , I 'm going to apologize . I acted terribly . I was with you , on a date with you , yet I kept looking at the General and Vala . " " No , it 's not . If I was on a date with a guy and he kept looking over at another couple , I 'd think it was rather rude , and if the woman was an old girlfriend , I 'd probably say goodbye and never see him again . If that kind of thing wouldn 't be acceptable to me , it shouldn 't be acceptable to you . " " All right , now for the explanation . Yes , it bothered me to see General O ' Neill there on a date with Vala . Though I am putting my feelings for him in the past , I still do feel something . I 've had those feelings for a long time , and it 's going to take more than a few hours to get over them . " " Shush , " Sam commanded . Daniel shushed . " As I was about to say , there was more to it than that . I like Vala , I really do , but I 'd have to be utterly blind not to see that she really likes men and isn 't above having a one - night - stand with a guy she 's attracted to . Perhaps not when she was married , but there 's nothing preventing her from doing it now . I just didn 't want to see her hitting on the general if all she was interested in was a good time and some sex . He deserves better than that . " Sam laid her hand over Daniel 's . " Daniel , I thought about all of this on the way here , and I got a lot of things straight in my head . I want to date you , and not because I 'm looking for someone to take Jack 's place . Your place in my heart has always been yours alone , and that won 't ever change , no matter how our relationship develops . " At last , Daniel looked at her . He searched her eyes , seeking the truth behind her words . " I just can 't date you and get my hopes up if I don 't really have a chance with you . " Sam answered in the one way she knew was better than words . She leaned over , cupped Daniel 's face in her hands , and kissed him . He did not respond at first , then his arms went around her and drew her as close as the seats would allow . Though the kiss was slow and gentle , they both felt the fire kindling inside . " Good . " Sam looked out the windscreen . " You know , it 's been years since I 've been here . How about if we go sightseeing together ? " The couple enjoyed their time together at the Garden of the Gods . As they walked to the parking lot , Daniel cleared his throat . " Um , I should probably tell you that I requested tomorrow off . I feel silly about it now , but , this morning , I just felt like I needed some time . " " No , of course not . " They stopped at Sam 's car . " Daniel , I am so , so sorry I hurt you last night . I want to make it up to you . " " Yes , it is , at least to me . I 'm going to request tomorrow off , and we can go have fun somewhere . And , no , I 'm not doing it just to make up for last night . I want to spend the day with you . It has been so long since we spent some real time together outside of work , and I miss it . " Sam did so . The general was clearly very curious about why both she and Daniel had requested the day off , but didn 't come right out and ask . He granted her permission and told her that he expected her and Daniel to be back at work first thing Tuesday morning . It was not hard to figure out what Daniel had stopped himself from saying , and it made Sam feel even worse than she did before . She didn 't say anything about it , though . Instead , she asked , " Would you like to go to a movie ? " About a third of the way through the movie , Daniel 's hand tentatively laid over Sam 's . She turned to him and saw him looking at her questioningly , clearly asking permission for the touch . She smiled and curled her hand around his . She was rewarded with an answering smile from him . Jack looked at his watch . " Oh , I don 't know . We don 't want to get back on the road too late . I 've got an early flight out of Peterson in the morning . " Daniel and Sam had ended up holding hands throughout the rest of the movie . As they left the theater , Sam found herself taking his hand again . It felt right for it to be there . " Do you want to get some dinner ? " Daniel asked tentatively . This day he 'd spent with Sam had been fantastic , but he was still afraid of pushing it too far , asking for too much of her time . If it was up to him , he 'd spend every day of the rest of his life with her , but Sam 's feelings were not the same as his . He needed to go slowly . Sam grinned . " Sure . That would be great . " She was having a terrific time with Daniel today , and she didn 't want it to end . She 'd always enjoyed spending time with him , but it was even truer today . She felt warm and content , happy . Every time Daniel had looked at her today , she 'd seen the love in his eyes . He hadn 't hidden it from her . It was a look she 'd never really seen in Jack 's eyes , and it made her feel special . Daniel truly loved her . Such a wonderful man , and it was she whom he loved , she whom he 'd put in that place in his heart that had been taken by his beloved wife for so long . Sam knew that she should feel nervous about that . Sexual attraction was one thing . That was physical . When she and Daniel kissed in her lab , Sam 's body had been flooded with shockingly powerful sensations . She 'd wanted to keep right on kissing him . If she was honest with herself , she 'd admit that she had wanted more than just a kiss . But that was a physiological reaction of her body . Love was so much more than that . Daniel loved her , and , though she should feel nervous , perhaps even a little scared to know that her best friend was in love with her , she didn 't feel like that at all , just the opposite in fact . It had shocked her at first , but , now that she 'd accepted it , it felt . . . good . Sam didn 't know why , but it did . They decided on a restaurant , and Daniel drove them there . Once their orders had been placed , they both grew quiet . Daniel was thinking about this day with Sam , how great it had been . He was thinking about tomorrow , too , wondering what they 'd do , where they 'd go . He wanted to take Sam on another date , go dancing , take that night stroll with her that they didn 't do last night . Then he wanted to take her home and . . . . No , don 't go there . That would most definitely not be happening . He couldn 't deny that it was what both his body and his heart wanted , but it was way too soon . Perhaps , someday , it wouldn 't be . He could only hope that Sam would come to want that with him , would come to feel for him what he did for her . Daniel looked at Sam and saw a slightly puzzled frown on her face . He couldn 't help but wonder what she was thinking about . Was she wondering about Jack , thinking about the day he was having with Vala ? Daniel knew he shouldn 't let that possibility bother him , but it did . For all these years , he 'd accepted that Sam loved Jack . He 'd never been jealous of those feelings before . But , now , he was . He wanted her to feel that way about him , not Jack , and that made him ashamed . He shouldn 't be jealous . He should be content that Sam was willing to see if a relationship with him could work out . It was far more than he 'd ever dared hope for . And what if it didn 't work ? What if Sam decided that she could never care about him like that ? It would rip his heart open , but at least then he 'd know once and for all that his dream would never come true . He could put that dream away for good and get on with his life . Daniel began playing with his napkin . " It 's , um . . . it 's okay if you 're thinking about Jack . I 'd understand . Actually , I 'm kind of curious about how he enjoyed the game with Vala . She can be - " " I wasn 't thinking about Jack , Daniel . Well , actually , I was , but not the way you think . It had just dawned on me that , ever since we began our day together , I haven 't thought about him even once . " Daniel searched her eyes , feeling his heart soar . " It 's been great for me , too , Sam . It 's felt . . . really good . " The arrival of their food put a halt to anything else they might have said . They ate in silence for a while . When they did begin to talk again , it was mostly small talk , nothing personal . " So , what were you thinking we 'd do tomorrow ? " Daniel asked . Then he hastily added , " That is if you still want to do something . I 'd understand if you 'd rather not . " " Daniel , " Sam said . She looked into his eyes , seeing doubt and , surprisingly , a measure of insecurity there . She realized that a big part of him still believed that she was going to change her mind about seeing if they could have a relationship . She took hold of his other hand , now holding both of them . " Yes , I still want to spend the day with you tomorrow . I 'm really looking forward to it . " Daniel visibly relaxed , giving her a little smile . " Good . That 's . . . that 's good . " The smile faded . " Well , I guess I should get you home . " The arcade had been quite an experience . Vala wanted to play virtually every game in the place . What 's more , she managed to convince Jack to play a lot of them , too . The general had known that , to those around him , he looked like a fifty - something guy desperately trying to recapture his youth , but , strangely , he really hadn 't cared all that much . He also laid out a small fortune for tokens , but it was worth it . " My wife and I divorced ? " Jack finished . " Yes . When I came back from the mission , she was gone . I don 't blame her for leaving . My head was not in a good place after Charlie died , and I wasn 't there to give her what she needed from me . " He shrugged . " Like I said , it was a long time ago . " " Oh , don 't worry , " Vala said . She leaned closer to him and lowered her voice . " How many people here do you think even knows who or what Qetesh is ? " " Oh , I 've gotten lectured on that many times by both Daniel and Cameron . I 'm just not used to the secrecy . All the other places I 've gone in my many , many travels know all about - " Vala swirled around the remnants of chocolate sauce in her bowl . She didn 't want the day to end . This was the most fun she 'd had on Earth since it became her home . Though the members of her team had , at different times , taken her into town , they 'd never spent an entire day with her , just cutting loose and having a good time . Today had made her feel like she was really a part of this culture , that it really was her home . " Thank you for today , " Vala said . " It 's the most fun I 've had since coming to Earth . I appreciate the time you took out of your busy schedule for me . " " Hey , I 'll take any excuse I can get not to be sitting at my desk . " Jack glanced at her . " And you 're welcome . It was a pleasure . " Jack smiled , his male pride getting a boost at the comment . He had to admit that he wouldn 't mind being able to spend more time with Vala . She 'd brought out things in him that he 'd believed long gone . Yes , maybe she was a bit young for him , both physically and . . . energetically , but it 's not like he hadn 't dated younger women before . Kerry had been quite a few years his junior . Of course , Kerry was nothing like Vala . Daniel and Sam walked slowly down the sidewalk . A short while ago , Sam had slipped her arm around Daniel 's waist . It felt really good there . " Sam , I want to apologize for last night , " he said . " I shouldn 't have left like I did . It 's just that . . . . " He sighed . " For all these years , I was certain that there could never be anything between us . I never let myself hope for even a moment . I knew that you cared about Jack and that I was only a friend to you . Then , yesterday , I finally let myself hope . When I saw you looking at Jack and Vala , the expression on your face , especially when you learned that they were going to a hockey game together , I was certain that I 'd been stupid to let myself have that hope . I shouldn 't have given up so easily . " Sam tightened her arm around him . " No , you shouldn 't have . But I do understand , Daniel , and I 'm still really sorry I did that to you . " She smiled up at him . " On our next date , I promise that my attention will be on you and you alone . " There was a husky quality to Sam 's voice that lit the flame of desire within Daniel . Though a little voice in his head was telling him that he shouldn 't do it , he stopped , pulled Sam into his arms and lowered his lips to hers . Her reaction was not what he 'd have expected . Almost immediately , she opened her mouth , grabbed hold of his head , and began kissing the life out of him . With a groan , Daniel pulled her tight against him , his tongue plunging deep into her mouth to mate with hers . They kissed with insatiable hunger , not caring if every driver who passed by watched them . At some point , Sam felt something hard against her back , but spared no thought to it . All she cared about was Daniel 's mouth on hers , his hands on her body . They were gliding across her , every place they touched alighting her with incredible pleasure . She wanted them to touch her everywhere . When their lips finally separated , they were both gasping for air . Daniel realized that he 'd backed Sam up against the wall of a building . He 'd feel bad about that if it wasn 't for the fact that she seemed to be having no problem with where she was . One if her legs was between his , her hand on his butt . One of his hands was in a matching position on her body . A shudder past through Daniel , along with an erotic image of him making love to her right there against that wall . He had to get control of himself . The problem was that , at that moment , he really didn 't want to . Sam drew in deep breaths , shocked by the almost overpowering desire that was coursing through her . God , she wanted him . She wanted him right here and now . This was crazy . Just yesterday , she was mourning the loss of her dream to be with Jack , and , now , she was here in Daniel 's arms , wanting to pull him down to the ground and have wild sex with him . An image flashed through her mind of Daniel ripping her pants off and taking her right there against the wall . She let out a moan and unconsciously rubbed against him . He gasped and pressed her harder against the building . She looked up into his eyes . They were burning into her with such an intense fire that she felt for sure they 'd consume her . It frightened her to realize that she wanted to be consumed . " Sam , " Daniel whispered roughly . He didn 't want to move , but things were getting way out of hand . This wasn 't supposed to be happening . Though he was ready for it , Sam wasn 't , although you 'd never guess it by the way she was responding to him . But he had to keep in mind that she was still recovering from being let down by Jack . That caused a laugh to escape him , one that was a bit on the nervous side . Sam laughed , too . She stepped away from the wall , smoothing down her hair and clothes . " Yes , we probably should , " Sam agreed , silently adding , ' before I get it into my head to take you to that motel across the street and do things with you that will have the people in the rooms next door yelling for us to be quiet . ' That thought caused a blush to suffuse Sam 's cheeks . Fortunately , Daniel wasn 't looking at her . Instead , he was staring down at the ground , his hands in his pockets . The silence remained as they drove to Sam 's house . Pulling up in front of her place , Daniel kept the engine running . Sam glanced at him . He hadn 't looked at her at all , and she was worried that he was beating himself up over what happened . They really should talk about this , clear the air . Once again , Jack and Vala were in the elevator riding down to Level 25 . The general figured that , by now , it was all over the base that something was going on between him and the alien woman . Oh , well . In a few more days , he 'd be retired , then it wouldn 't matter one iota what they thought . Just like the previous night , as they stood at Vala 's door , she asked if Jack would like to come in . He was about to refuse again when she said , " Come on . I don 't bite . We can even leave the door open . It 's not like I 'm asking for a night of wild sex . I just thought we could talk for a few more minutes . You 'll be leaving tomorrow , then who knows how long it will be before we see each other again . " They went into Vala 's room . As she 'd said , she left the door open . But what she hadn 't said was that , as soon as they were in the room , she 'd be kissing him . Needless to say , Jack was shocked and , for a few seconds , just stood there . Then , as most men who had a very attractive woman kissing them would do , he began kissing her back , and he was more than a little stunned by how good it felt . Vala Mal Doran definitely knew how to kiss . " Did I ? Sorry . " Vala 's smile was one part coy , the other part sultry , an interesting combination . She ran a finger across his lips . " I just couldn 't help myself . I wanted something to remember you by until I see you again . " " That maybe so , but I don 't trust me . Sam , you have no idea how much I want to . . . to do things with you that have nothing to do with talking . I 've wanted that for a very long time , and , now that I 've kissed you and . . . and . . . . " He stopped and took a deep breath . " I know that you can 't possibly be ready to take that step with me . So me going inside would be a really bad idea . " Sam gave him a gentle smile , then nodded , letting her more rational self take over . " Okay . Just walk with me to the door , all right ? " Daniel smiled back . " All right . " He shut off the engine and removed the keys from the ignition . They got out of the car and went slowly up the walkway . " All right . " Daniel gazed deeply into her eyes as he caressed her cheek . " Thank you for today , Sam . It meant more to me that you could know . " Neither one of them recalled entering the house or the trip to the bedroom . They never let go of each other , mouths and hands searching almost frantically . They were on the bed now , Daniel 's glasses having fallen by the wayside somewhere along the way . He began pushing Sam 's top up . She helped him get it off her , then pulled his shirt off . The touch of bare skin made them both moan . Daniel 's hands touched her breasts , stroking the peaks through the material of her bra . Sam gasped at the touch , wanting more . She reached behind her back and undid the catch . The bra slipped down . And then it was off , and it was Daniel 's mouth and hands covering her . The wet slide of his tough over her nipples made her cry out , a shudder passing through her whole body . It felt so good , he felt so good . Daniel was completely lost in the lovemaking , the smell of her , the taste of her . He pulled one of her nipples deep into his mouth , wanting to touch and taste all of her , every inch . Sam writhed beneath him , arching her body up against his . Reaching down , he yanked her sneakers off , taking the socks with them . His fingers sought the button and zipper of her jeans . She helped him remove the clothing , pulling not just the jeans down but also the panties underneath . Sam cried out , bucking upward . She was on fire , her body set alight by Daniel 's mouth and hands , the things he was doing to her . She began to tremble , and she knew that she was going to come . Never before had it happened so quickly . Sam pulled him upward , claiming his mouth with hers . She rolled them over and got to work divesting Daniel of his remaining clothing . Soon , he was lying naked before her . The sight made her desire for him race through her body like a flash flood . It was Daniel 's turned to cry out when Sam 's mouth and hands fell upon his body , touching him , tasting him . It was too much , the sensations too powerful . He was in serious danger of losing control . And then she touched him in that most intimate of places , and he almost did lose control . With a groan , Daniel sat up , pulling Sam up into his arms , his mouth crashing down upon hers . He turned them around , settling on his haunches and putting Sam on his lap . Her head fell back as he lowered his mouth back down to her breasts , her back arched , hands clutching his arms . After long seconds of feast upon her breasts , Daniel lifted his head . Sam 's eyes met his , and there was no need for words . Daniel kissed her , long and deep . As their lips parted , they positioned themselves . And then Daniel was inside her . They gasped at the feeling of the union , just holding onto each other for several seconds . But they could not remain still for long . Soon , they were rocking together , fully immersed in the sensation of their first time together . Feeling himself very swiftly approaching release , Daniel held Sam to him and rose up on his knees , pressing her against the wall above the headboard . With a deep moan , she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist . Their movements grew more intense , sweat - soaked bodies sliding urgently against each other . " God , Sam , " Daniel gasped . " I - I can 't . . . . " He groaned , feeling himself sliding over the edge . He slipped a hand between them , wanting to take her on the plunge with him . By the time their climax ended , they were both feeling dizzy and ridiculously weak . Keeping their bodies connected , Daniel lay down on the bed with Sam , holding her close . The silence stretched on as they slowly recovered . Once the pounding in his head had eased and his breathing had slowed , Daniel began placing soft kisses on Sam 's face and neck . The salty taste of her sweat made his tongue come out to lap at the pulse point in her throat . Sam breath caught , and she clutched at him . She wanted him again . She 'd just climaxed so hard that she almost blacked out , yet she already wanted him again . Their bodies were still joined , and she loved the feeling of that connection . She tightened the grip of her thighs and rubbed against him . Daniel let out a low groan . Though he knew there was no way it would be happening this soon , he wanted her again . He lifted his eyes to hers , surprised to see the same desire there . He laid claim to her mouth as he gently rocked against her a single time , receiving a moan from Sam . Though neither one of them wanted to be separated , Daniel at last pulled away from Sam , but only for as long as it took them to get under the covers . Then they were back in each other 's arms . Soon , sleepiness overtook both of them . Jack took another bite of the early breakfast . He was scheduled to be on a flight home in an hour , and he was feeling very reluctant to leave . He 'd caught himself glancing about a couple of times , searching for the long dark hair of a certain woman , a woman whom he 'd been thinking about a lot since awakening . Jack shook his head and forked in another mouthful . Here he was , a man in his mid - fifties , and he was acting like a guy thirty years younger . Yes , so the day he spent with Vala was enjoyable , making him feel younger and more carefree than he had in a very long time , but he was a mature adult , not some lovesick teenager who couldn 't get the pretty cheerleader out of his head . He hadn 't felt like this with Kerry . Hell , he hadn 't felt like this since . . . . Oh , shit . Not since Sara . ' No way . No frickin ' way . O ' Neill , you are losing it . You 've got to be going through some damn mid - life crisis or something . That has to be the explanation . ' Jack 's explanation went right out of his head when a familiar alto voice said , " Good morning . " He looked up to see Vala smiling down at him , a tray in her hands . Instead of sitting across from him , Vala took a seat right next to him . Her thigh brushed up against his , almost making him jump . He slid over a few inches , putting a bit more space between them . " Well , they mean that I can make people wait as long as I want . Well , most people , that is . It doesn 't work with the president . " As Vala grabbed her burrito , Jack disposed of the remainder of his meal . Then the two of them left the commissary and took the elevator up . A while later , they were on the mountaintop . The chill of the morning air wasn 't as bad as Jack had thought it would be . It was going to be a warm day today . Vala munched on her burrito as they walked . " You know , I haven 't been up here very often . In fact , I didn 't even know about that way up here until a few months ago . I followed Daniel up , though he didn 't know it . He was upset about something , and I was worried . At the time , I didn 't know what was bothering him , but , now , I do . " " No . I admit that I 'm far from being inhibited in that regard , but I respect when a man feels that way for another woman . Obviously , this explains why Daniel rebuffed all my advances . And I was beginning to think that I was losing my touch . " Vala began toying with the napkin wrapped around her burrito . " I do admit that I 've had certain . . . feelings for Daniel . He believed in me when he had no logical reason to do so . He offered me his trust and his friendship . That was something I never had , not since I was taken as a host . It meant a lot to me . In the beginning , I just wanted him , but , later , I felt more . " " Oh , I 'm not in love with him , " Vala hastily stated . " Well , okay , maybe a tiny bit . " She put her forefinger and thumb about half an inch apart . The women fidgeted . " Well , maybe a bit more than that . But it 's not like my heart is shattered into tiny little pieces knowing that he loves another woman , and I can never have him . I 'm fine . " Jack didn 't respond . He wasn 't sure what to say . He was starting to feel things for this woman , but there was no way he was going to pursue anything with her if she was in love with Daniel . Vala finished her burrito and stuffed the napkin in her pocket . She looked at the man walking beside her . There was a slight frown on his face , and she wondered what he was thinking . She had enjoyed her day with him yesterday , very much in fact . She had enjoyed that kiss even more . She wanted another . She wanted more than that . But he was leaving in just a little while , and she didn 't know how long it would be before he came back . She didn 't know what role he could have in her life . Vala realized that she really didn 't want Jack to leave . As much as she cared about Daniel , he had never given her what Jack did yesterday . She very much wanted more days like that . " Well , in that case . . . . " Jack stepped forward , pulled Vala against him , and lowered his mouth onto hers . Vala wasted no time in letting him in . Vala brought her mouth close , brushing her lips over his . The tip of her tongue came out to tease him . Jack 's arms tightened around her convulsively . God , she was driving him crazy . To stop the teasing , he kissed her again . He felt her hand skim down his body to land on his ass , where she gave him a little squeeze . Oookay . That was enough of that . Any more of this , and he 'd be in no fit state for public viewing . Jack pulled away , stepping back half a pace . She was smiling at him , a sexy , come hither smile that was playing havoc with the general 's self - control . Was this how she acted with Daniel when she went after him ? If so , the fact that he actually resisted made Jack 's respect for the man go up several notches . " Yeah . " Damn . He had to get out of here before he did something really stupid , like telling the pilot he was staying another day , taking Vala to some hotel somewhere , and . . . . Crap . Just thinking about that was threatening to destroy his already tattered will power . And Vala wasn 't helping either . She was making no effort to hide her desire for him . Vala nodded , her gaze dropping to the ground . She could tell that Jack wanted her . It was in his eyes and the tension of his body . But that was just lust . The kisses they 'd just shared had made Vala feel something more than simple lust . He was leaving , and she didn 't want him to go . She wanted him to stay . " Like I said before , my retirement takes effect on Friday . After that , I 'm a free agent . I can do what I please , go where I please . " Vala also looked at the door . " Yes . You 're right . It wouldn 't be good to embarrass you in front of your subordinates . " She smiled . " I will just have to wait a while for another one of your killer kisses . " Jack couldn 't stop himself from laughing . God , when was the last time he actually laughed ? This woman made him feel genuinely happy for the first time in years . " Thank you . And you are quite a man , General Jack O ' Neill . " Vala walked up to him , heightening the sway of her hips . She ran a finger over his lips . " Now , don 't keep me waiting for long , darling . I have things planned for you when you come back . " Jack released the breath he 'd been holding . " Damn . I 'll be lucky if she doesn 't kill me our first time , " he muttered . Bright sunlight streaming into the room awoke Sam . As the cobwebs of sleep were brushed away , the events of last night filled her mind , as did the awareness of a naked male body pressed close to her . Satisfaction and contentment washed over her , bringing a smile to her face . Sam turned her head to look at the man sharing her bed . Daniel was behind her , his body spooned with hers , one arm snug around her waist , the other beneath her head . The feeling of his nakedness against hers was awakening Sam 's arousal . More than that , it felt really good to be here , to awaken within Daniel 's arms . Sam 's mind went back to all the things that happened last night . Their lovemaking had been nothing short of phenomenal . Sam knew that it probably shouldn 't have happened , that they 'd moved forward in their relationship way too fast , but she couldn 't find it in her heart to regret it . It had been too fantastic . This moment right here and now felt too wonderful for any regrets . Being careful not to awaken Daniel , Sam turned around so that she could look at him . He looked so peaceful in sleep , all his worries and cares smoothed away . He was handsome enough to take her breath away , but she knew that he was even more beautiful on the inside . Gazing at him as the minutes ticked by , Sam felt something blossoming within her heart , the same feelings she 'd experienced last night on her porch when Daniel looked at her with his love for her so bright in his eyes . But , this time , it was far stronger , so powerful that it left her feeling shaken . How could she be feeling this ? It was impossible . Yet she couldn 't deny what her heart was telling her . Just then , Daniel 's eyes fluttered open . Seeing her face so close to his , he smiled . But then he saw the look in her eyes , an expression of stunned disbelief . Oh , God . She was regretting what they did . She didn 't want this . Feeling his heart shatter , Daniel began drawing away , but he wasn 't given the chance . Sam quickly grabbed hold of him , pulled him into her arms , and kissed him . Shocked and confused , Daniel didn 't respond . She drew back and smiled at him . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to scare you . " Sam cupped his cheek . " I don 't regret it , Daniel . I don 't regret it at all . Just the opposite . Last night was wonderful . And waking up with you this morning , it felt so good , so . . . very right . Being here with you feels perfect . " Sam pulled his head up so that she could meet his eyes . " Daniel , the reason why I was looking at you that way was that I 'd just realized something , something that really shocked me . It still amazes me . " " All this time , I thought that I was so in love with Jack . When he told me that he didn 't feel the same , it hurt a lot , but it didn 't take long for the pain to ease . When I saw him with Vala , I wasn 't nearly as jealous as I should have been . And then yesterday , I spent all that time with you and didn 't think about Jack even once . " " I think that , somewhere along the line , what I felt for Jack started to fade , but I couldn 't see it . I 'd cared about him like that for so long that I was certain I 'd love him for the rest of my life . I held onto those feelings , the fantasy about being with him . But , this morning , waking up in your arms , seeing you lying there and remembering what we shared last night , I realized that Jack isn 't the one I want to spend my life with . " Sam stared intently into the eyes of the man in her arms . " I 'm falling in love with you , Daniel . I think I 'm already more than halfway there . " Sam did not answer with words . Instead , she brought her lips to his and kissed him with all the emotion she felt for him . Daniel pulled her into a tight embrace , kissing her with every ounce of love inside him . This time , as Daniel 's mouth traveled down her body , there was no thought of stopping him . With gasps and soft cries , she let him carry her up into the stratosphere . She cried his name as she came . Sam was still recovering when Daniel lay down upon her . He looked into her eyes . What he saw there answered his question . With a deep sigh , he slid into her , closing his eyes at the sensation of being within the heat of her body again . " I love you , " he murmured as he began to move , slowly and gently , feeling her inside him as much as he was inside her . Sam held onto him tightly , murmuring words too low for him to understand . He opened his eyes and looked at her face , seeing rapture there . At last , his pace began to quicken , his movements growing stronger . Sam 's head was now thrown back , quiet cries escaping her lips . His climax fast approaching , Daniel shifted their position in such a way that had the volume of Sam 's cries escalate . She came seconds later . Daniel followed her over the edge with her name on his lips . Sam saw the twinkle in his eyes and knew that he wasn 't being serious . She did wonder where he 'd learned that technique , but finding that out could wait for another time . Right now , she was just feeling incredibly lucky to be Doctor Daniel Jackson 's lover . Stargate SG - 1 , its characters and all related entities are the property of Stargate SG - 1 Productions ( II ) Inc . , MGM Worldwide Television Productions Inc . , Double Secret Productions , Gekko Film Corp and Showtime Networks Inc / The SciFi Channel . No copyright infringement is intended . This website , its operators , and any content on this site relating to Stargate SG - 1 , its characters , or its distributors is not authorized by MGM , Stargate SG - 1 Productions ( II ) Inc . , or any personnel associated with Stargate SG - 1 . All fan fiction , original artwork and photographs on this Web site are protected under copyright law and are the property of their creators , who retain all rights . All rules governing the unauthorized usage of copyrighted materials apply . The fan fiction , original artwork and photographs on this Web site may not be copied in any way except as expressly allowed by the owner . They may not be copied , in whole or in part , for the purpose of publication in any manner or form without the written permission of the owner . This includes , but is not limited to , placement of the text or images on another Web site . The stories included on this site are not intended for commercial profit . |
" So you 're busy tomorrow night ? " Julie took off her earring as she pressed her cell phone to her ear . She stood up straight in her chair . She sat at their table at their coffee shop . " But you said that we were going downtown so I bought - - well , yes , you said that you might have other plans and that you would check but I talked to you on Monday . " She closed her eyes and tears splashed on the table . " Joe , I thought that we were ringing in the New Year together . I just talked to you . " " Look , Julie . We 've had a great time together . Didn 't I spend Christmas with you and your family ? Didn 't we have a good time ? It 's just , you know , I feel like we 've had fun together but it 's time to start the New Year fresh . You 're a great girl , Julie , but I think you want something more from me than I want to give right now . I 'm sorry . " Joe sounded the same as he did at her family 's house . Pleasant , conversational , like nothing was wrong . " Call up Amber and Liz . Don 't worry . You 'll go out and forget all about me , Jule . " " Joe , I don 't think you understand - - " Her voice tightened as she gripped her cup of coffee . The paper cup began to collapse and spill on the counter . " My coffee - - I spilled - - hold on - - " " I 'll let you get that . You 'll be ok , Julie . Take care . " He hung up . Julie stood up with a red nose and a wet face . She clicked her phone off and swallowed a sob . The chair at their table scraped the wooden floor and fell over . Julie looked down and almost burst out when someone picked up the chair and handed her napkins . She felt herself sit down and watched someone wipe off the table . Julie whirled her head around and saw that guy that always sat by the window when she was there . " Yeah , Amber ? Thank God I got you . You 'll never guess what Joe just did to me . " Julie stood up , pushed her chair in and grabbed her crumpled cup . That guy put a new empty cup in front of her and she poured her coffee into it . " Let me guess . He broke up with you . " Amber 's voice was caustic as ever and it felt like a warm hug to hear it . " Yeah , Amber . That 's exactly what he did . I can 't believe it . He said he loved me . I thought he was the one . Wait , hold on , Amber . " Julie buttoned her coat and picked up the phone off their table . " Yeah . Can you believe it ? I thought he loved me as much as I loved him . He must have planned this all along . Why can I never meet anyone nice ? Oh no , my gloves . I can 't find my gloves . Those were the ones my grandma gave me . " That guy appeared by the door with her gloves in his hands . " You dropped these on the floor by your table . " He handed them to her and pushed his brown hair away from his glasses . " Thank you so much . These were given to me by my grandma - - hold on , Amber . Thank you . See you around ! Happy New Year 's ! Yeah , Amber ? There 's this guy at the coffee shop , he found them on the floor and just gave them to me . Yeah , I know , that was nice . So , what are you guys doing tonight ? " Julie pulled open the door and the wind slapped her in the face . " We 're going to a Western bar , probably Cork and Kerry 's . Nothing exciting . I always knew that guys was a complete jerk . I never told you this but I always thought that he was a big phony . What a jerk . Breaking up with you on New Year 's Eve ? Idiot . Well , at least you found your gloves . I know much they mean to you . Remember when you lost them in my car and you took half an hour at midnight to find them ? They 're from your grandma and when you wear them you remember her , right ? Someone who loved you unconditionally . Just because you 're you . Unlike that moron - - " " Unconditionally , " Julie said outloud . She looked into the window and saw that guy looking back at her through the foggy glass . She stopped and stared back . " Amber , I 'll call you right back . " I 'm so far behind that I think that I 'm ahead . I 'm currently at the library for a couple of hours so I can get a little caught up . May have to go to Panera or Corner Bakery for some quiet writing time . We have been regularly using our pressure cooker . Made split pea soup in under an hour start to finish . I could have cooked it a little longer but it was good . I have enough potatoes for potato soup . It 's chilly here - about 33 degrees F / 3 degrees C . Anyway , time to type . Love to all . For once in my life , I have planned something or am working on it . I figured out my schedule to meet up with people . I 've even printed out a blank Nov . calendar so that I can - get this - plan out the meals for the month . I 'm getting a crock pot , possibly two , from local friends . The crockpot I own has 2 Corning Ware pots that fit in it ! However , I still don 't have a title and I need to name my main characters . I 'll work on that when I get home tonight . The words echoed in the recesses of his mind , the only thing he remembered of his life . They flitted through hovering mists and shadows and bounced off the emptiness , taunting him . Had he started something ? Finished it ? He needed information . Detailed information . And lots of it . He looked into the mirror hanging in the unfamiliar room and ran his fingers through his unruly dark hair . But for now he 'd settle for his name . He reached in his right front pocket and found a wallet . He didn 't have to search for it . He knew instinctively it would be there . The wallet was leather and it was black . On one side was plastic clip . The other side was closed by a little black velcro strap . He ripped it open and saw the blackberry was off . He turned it on and looked at the papers . A receipt for Starbucks with a credit card number of XXXX - XXXX - XXXX - 2349 , dated September 28th was shoved in the back . Gas Card for Marathon . Gas Card for Mobile . Grocery store card . A twenty . And no driver 's license . He started operating the Blackberry and could find no information . None of the history was saved . All the passwords were deleted . Nothing . The room appeared to be a motel room . He turned on the television and the channel was set to Animal Planet . He watched a few seconds and wondered why he would be watching this station and not another one . Children ? He spun around and looked on the perfectly made beds . No suitcase . He checked the bathroom and it was pristine with clean towels , clean wash clothes , complimentary shampoo , conditioner and french milled soap . He went to the windows and pushed back the lined curtains to see the sun . He went outside and the heavy door shut behind him . He tried the handle but it was locked . He checked his other pockets for the card key but found none . He held the blackberry and wallet in his hand like a life raft , which held him afloat in the middle of an oceanic nightmare . He spun around and realized that his credit cards and receipt were laying on the bed inside the room . He looked around and saw red , singular mountains . Beyond the motel there were little homes and past them another mountain , red , jagged and almost flat in the distance . " I don 't know where I am . " He walked past other rooms and saw the swimming pool lined with an iron gate . A family with children walked leisurely towards a room and decided to follow them . They held the door opened to him and said " Good morning . " There was lots of people , lots of talking and food and coffee . He got a cup of coffee and went out to the sun . " 301 . Wait . My bill . I registered . I - - I need my bill , um , Donna . " Cold sweat poured down his face . There had to be a receipt from the bill that would have his name . Donna , the name on her tag , held more keys than one . " Here you are , Mr . Smith . Paid in full for two more days . And here 's a key for your room . Is there anything else I can help you with ? " The bill read John Smith from an address in Galesburg , IL . It did not sound familiar in any way . He ran to his room and opened the door . He picked up his gas cards and the cash and put them carefully into his wallet . The receipt was gone . He took everything out of his wallet and one of the cards fell on the floor between the two beds . He picked it up and noticed car keys in the middle of the floor . The receipt was forgotten as he held the smart key . He pushed the green button and heard a familiar chirp . He swallowed and went through a mental checklist before leaving his room . Outside his door was a green , older model Toyota that he swore was not there half an hour before . He heard the chirp again and got in . In the lower dashboard , just above the steering wheel , tucked in by the odometer , he found an Illinois driver 's license . John Smith from Galesburg , IL . He left the motel and wove his way through Sedona to the highway . I - 17 was not crowded . The sun was getting hot , even with the air on . He drove aimlessly and tried to remember anything that reminded him of something . And then he saw it . Exit 244 Black Canyon City . He was meeting someone , a buyer . The guy was buying something . A rock . It was some kind of rock . He made the exit and drove what was more of a town . He passed a little house that looked familiar . The front lawn had a large bear carved out of a log ; the bear wore a tall troll hat . He parked his car and walked up the gravel drive way . It was river rock . When he knocked on the door an old man answered and gasped . He heard a noise behind him and when he turned , he saw a woman behind him . The house spun , the yard spun , and he felt a terrible pinch in his lower back . He dropped to his knees and his eyes pulled themselves shut . " Thanks , Manny . We got him . He 'll be fine . Don 't worry . We 'll be around in few more days , just in case . " The woman climbed into the white work van and shut the door behind her . " I know , but it was cheaper . We 'll have to drive him back now . " The driver stared ahead and put on black sunglasses . " This sun . How do you stand it ? " " The sun 's more direct here . " The woman put on black sunglasses and scratched the back of her head . " He looks fine . He 'll be out for a while . " " The atmosphere of this planet gets extraordinarily hot on descent . We were lucky to land safely . " " 618 terra miles off course . " The woman turned to the driver who said nothing for the next 20 miles on an off road . " Well ? " The driver stopped the van in the middle of the desert . " We have no choice . We have our orders not to kill or be noticed . We 've already broken one rule . Manny noticed us . I don 't want to hurt any more of these creatures . Hold on , I have hair in my eye . " The woman moved the hair on the back of her head and her third eye opened , sparkling blue . " That 's better . It looks like a road trip to Illinois . He 's got a two cards for gasoline and this other useful card called Visa . We better get moving . " The driver rubbed the back of his head and his third eye blinked open , a little bloodshot . He hadn 't slept well since the landing and wouldn 't until he wiped away that human 's memory again , made certain they had all those receipts and deposited him back near his familiar habitat . " Mrs . Arnswald , Tiffany will see you in a moment . Thank you for waiting . " The young secretary turned and typed on her computer . Even though she sat across the room , Nancy could see she was on Facebook . The room was decorated in a retro avocado green on one wall with some type of largish , hanging light fixture that looked like it was bought from Ikea . Very trendy and modern . It reminded her of something her mother would have picked out when she was a girl . The phone hadn 't rang since she came at 10 : 30 , half an hour before Nancy 's appointment . There were two people ahead of her , both of them younger . Tiffany , who was conducting the interview , was cordial and polite to the first one ; a black man who appeared to be in his late 30s . He looked a little overweight but seemed poised and a little grim . That interview was quick . The next interview was with a much younger girl , probably just out of college . Tiffany remarked that she had the same shoes at home ; it was now 11 : 30pm . The secretary turned off her computer , got her purse and walked out of the room . Nancy took out her Blackberry to check for messages , leaned her head back on the white wall and closed her eyes with a sigh . Thirty years ago she was as young as that secretary and just out of college . She was gorgeous , with great billows of dishwater blonde hair , styled just like Jaclyn Smith . She wore a navy power dress complete with shoulder pads and large , white button earrings . Her first interview at the law offices of Beloit Haskell and Seins went quite well . She had sex with one of the junior partners who hired her on the spot . Nancy let the affair come to its natural conclusion and the two of them got along quite well . They attended each others weddings and baptisms of children . Nancy organized soccer practices from the office ; after he made partner , she stayed with him and served as a patient go between him and his first wife . She remembered when he introduced her to his girlfriend . Nancy had seen her many times before at various events and knew that she was trouble . This girlfriend was sweet as sugar to her face but she knew her time was up . Girlfriend had been a secretary . Her boss gave her a pretty good severance package ; it was guilt money . According to her office friends , new wife now sat outside her husband 's office . Nancy heard the door open and sat straight . No reason to give Tiffany any more reason not to hire her . She knew she was going through the motions when she saw the two of them laugh and pause at the open door to get each other 's e - mail . The young woman did not look her in the eye as she left . Tiffany smiled , cordially and politely . Nancy stood up , smiled back grimly and entered her office . I soaked in that tub until my fingers and toes were pruny and the water was tepid . It felt so good to sit in that water . I imagined myself as Joan Crawford or Greta Garbo , exotic and detached from the triviality of the mundane . " Are you done yet ? Mama said it 's dinner time and to come your hair ' cause Granny Matkin 's here . " The urgency in Kenny 's voice was gone . I figured he must 've gone behind the garage , but all that didn 't matter one bit . Granny Matkin was having dinner with us tonight . My blood ran cold . I knew that Mama wanted me to run a comb through my hair , put a ribbon around my head , put a dress on and be on my best behavior . I threw a towel around me , ran to my room and shut the door behind me . My toes looked like gorgeous , glamorous gems that gleamed on my little braided rug . Even so , I knew I better get some socks on because Granny would not approve . Now , my Granny Matkin was a tiger . She was about as formidable as a Grizzly Bear Mama against a pack of wolves . I was scared to death of her when I was little . She wore her thick black hair in a large bun behind her head . Her face was wrinkly and wide . I think of her now and I can see that she must have been a knockout when she was young . But on that hot day , she was the embodiment of a hungry bobcat , a thorny switch , just waiting to come across someone 's backside . I hurried and put on a clean dress . I figured Mama wouldn 't mind , considering Granny was here . I found a pretty ribbon . I had never noticed how soft and satiny it looked until I stood there with my fancy feet . Kenny yelled up the stairs again and I knew I needed to fly . " Hi , Granny . " I sat up straight and looked up at Mama , who was placing the food on the table . She looked so pretty tonight and she had a soft , kindly look on her face . Kenny looked like he had been rolling around in dirt all day long , except for his face . It was brown , certainly , from the sun , but it was scrubbed clean . " Let me see your fingernails , child , " Granny told my brother . He sat straight and held out both hands , palms up . Granny pursed her lips and stuck her chin in the air . Kenny slumped a little and turned them over . His nails were short and they were black . " You go in the kitchen and scrub them good , you hear me ? " " Yes , Granny , " he murmured and flew out of his seat . The food smelled so good . Mama must have known all along that Granny would be coming because we had a whole chicken , green beans and new potatoes . It was like a Sunday dinner during the week . In the meantime Kenny plunked back in his chair , but straighted as he saw Granny across the table . Mama smiled and had just sat down when we heard a knock at the front door . She opened the door and I saw Pete Kauffman , who held his hat in his hands . " Thank you , Evelyn . Good evening , Mrs . Matkin . Min . Kenny . I am sorry to disturb you at supper time . " Pete looked down at his shoes , but he didn 't leave and come back . He stood his ground , God bless him . " Pete , you look hungry , won 't you sit and join us ? We have plenty tonight . " Mama pulled out a chair for him to sit opposite her , in Daddy 's chair . Granny cleared her throat and looked away . Pete just stood there . " Well , now , go on and sit down , Peter Kauffman . " Granny seemed to glare at him . Pete glanced up at her , nodded his head and sat . We all bowed our head and Mama said grace . I sure was glad that she said a quick prayer because I was ready to eat . Even in that hot dining room , I was hungry and I ate my fill . We all did , Pete included . In fact , he ate like he 'd never had seen food before he came in our house . I saw him catch himself after a third piece of chicken . He wiped his mouth and put his napkin down on his lap , his eyes still averted . " Go on , now , Pete . Here 's another piece . " I couldn 't believe my eyes , but Granny put a whole chicken breast on his plate and a heap of potatoes . He nodded and ate . " No , ma ' am . I heard that he 's on his way up to Effingham to see if he can find some farmwork there . " Pete wiped his face and hands before he dug into that pile of creamy , mashed potatoes . " It 's bad out there , Evy . I 've been to every town and farm within 10 miles and I can 't find - - that is , I been trying real hard - " " I 'm sure you have been . Work is scarce right now . When the harvest comes in , I 'm certain you 'll find something . " Granny sat ramrod straight in her chair , her chin hard as granite . " Yes , ma ' am . I 'm sorry - - that is , I 've already eaten so much . " Pete pulled his chair back and stood , still looking at the floor . Mama quietly withdrew into the kitchen . " No , you may not . That 's all you 've eaten and your Mama spent all that time preparing all this good food . Have some turnip greens . " Granny plopped down a spoon of greens on Kenny 's plate . He sat back in his chair and frowned ; he 'd have to eat the whole thing before he was excused from the table . " Virginia Min , please take that plate into the kitchen for your Mama . " I got out of the chair and to my horror I looked down and saw I was barefoot . I grabbed the serving plate and walked into the kitchen just as fast as I could . Mama was putting food into a paper bag . I think it was bread from the morning . " Evvy ? " Granny called from the next room . " I suppose you should give him a piece of that pie I brought . You could wrap in paper for him . " Mama smiled , cut that pie quick , wrapped it up and put in that bag . It would be a nice meal for tomorrow . I put in the another chicken breast and we closed the top . Mama handed him the bag and touched his arm . Kenny darted into the kitchen and I know why . It was to get away from the greens and Granny Matkin . Granny sat quietly in her seat and ate her greens , a little bit at a time . Pete , in the meantime , accepted the bag , but never looked up . I saw tear drop from his face and on to our floor . He was so embarrassed and hungry . Kenny bounded back in and dropped the apple on the floor . It rolled by my foot . Now then . I love my brother . He 's one of the best men I 'll ever know but so help me , at that moment , I could have smashed a brick in his brown , freckled face . " Virginia Min Stevenson . Painted toes . What is next , child ? Evvy , I don 't know , but you are too indulgent with your children . Nothing good will come of this . " Granny gave me a withering look . I looked up at my mother and her eyes were about as big as our plates . Pete , too , stared at me with an open mouth , shocked at my depravity . So I did what any nine year old would do . I burst into tears , ran upstairs into my room and slammed the door shut . I wept on my bed . I sobbed into my pillow and thought I would never be able to show my face in public again . I would live upstairs in my house , a spinster , for the rest of my life , while that old buzzard of a brother of mine would become a bastion of commerce and live in a big mansion with bushels of money . After some time , the mattress sagged by me and I felt a warm hand on my back . " Virginia Min , I wish you would have told me . I wouldn 't have yelled . Well , now , I might 've but not as much as you think . " There was a smile in her voice but I didn 't look at her . I laid my head on my arms and involuntarily sobbed . " Virginia Min , do you know what your Granny did when I cut my hair ? She was mad as a hornet and told me that I was a brazen hussy and that nothing good would come from me getting my hair bobbed . " Mama was laughing . " Granny means well . She 's , uh , set in her ways . Now I don 't approve of little girls like you painting your toes . And I can only guess that you girls took that paint without permission , right ? " How in the world did she know ? I didn 't say a word . I got up and my arms were all red and marked from my candlestick spread . I was ready to got outside and get a switch . Tears streaked down my face . Mama looked at me with a face full of love and I melted into her arms . She kissed my head , took my hand and led me to her room . She turned on her little light and showed me a little perfume bottle . " Grandpaw Matkin gave this to your granny when they were young and newlywed . She passed this on to me when I got married , but - " Mama whispered in my ear - " I don 't care for it . Maybe you will . " She opened the top and held it to my nose . The fragrance was heavy and exotic . In my head I saw visions of lipstick , Hollywood and Garbo . I liked it . Mama let me put a little on my finger and I dabbed it behind my ears . I kissed her on both her cheeks and ran down the stairs . Kenny 's plate still had the greens on it . Granny was sitting at the table playing solitaire . She said nothing , didn 't even acknowledge me ; she gripped a card in her hand and stared like a hawk . I jutted out my chin , just like her and went right over to her and hugged her . On the floor by our radio , Kenny had dropped Mr . Winkie . Mr . Winkie was his bear and he could not sleep without it . In fact , I could hear him whining and crying in his room . I thought about dropping it into the trash . I thought of taking scissors and cutting each limb off in front of him while he watched . I even thought of putting through the butcher 's meat grinder . That 'd teach him . I grabbed Mr . Winkie and walked upstairs . Mama was coming down . She stopped me and kissed me on my head one more time . " Min , have you seen Mr . Winkie ? " He sobbed , a lonesome , lonely sob . I remembered how upset I was early that evening . I remembered how sweet and kind Mama was to me . I took Mr . Winkie and I threw him at my brother as hard as I could . He protested and called for Mama . I went in my room and slammed the door shut . I 'm sorry if this is a mere recap from year to year . Today is my mom and my own birthday . On Sept . 11th , 2001 , My youngest was 6 mos old , my daughter was 2 1 / 2 and my oldest just under 5 . I happened to turn on ABC and Peter Jennings was on . That was unusual because it was so early ; saw one of the twin towers on fire . I turned the t . v . on PBS so that my little ones could watch something nice and safe . That 's all we did that day was watch t . v . and I don 't apologize . I remember watching the second plane crash into the other tower and thought it was a joke . Then news of the Pentagon . Then the towers fell . I remember screaming " No " and my kids got up and wanted to know what was wrong . I shuffled them back to Teletubbies or whatever was on at the time and made them lunch . My mom was in FL and I couldn 't get a hold of her . I tried all day . Became a little frantic . She was in the Keys with my aunties and was safe . I can 't forget that day because it was my birthday . But it changed the way I look at little things like birthdays . Sunday Scribblings # 230 Faith Do you have faith in the future , faith in your friends or family , faith in your car starting , the floor being there in the morning , or in a religion or religious figure ? Is there someone in your life named Faith ? Do you have faith in humanity or goodness or animals or superheroes or simply that the sun will rise tomorrow morning ? Is faith something we all need in some way or another ? What do you think about faith ? I know what my faith is and what it is in . My faith is trust , but it 's more than trust . It 's a certainty , beyond a shadow of a doubt . There is a Bible verse in the old King James Version which says : I do not have faith in institutions , such as denominations . Nor do I place my faith and trust in leaders , such as pastors . They are men , nothing more . Some are corrupt and perverse ; we hear it all the time . Some are wonderful people who devote their lives to what they believe in . But I cannot put my trust in such a person because I know that they will fail me . Seen it too many times . I have put my faith in my family . I love my family but it would be foolish - - no , insane - - to put all my hopes and dreams into them . They will fail my hopes and dreams because they have their own journey and their own dreams . It would not be fair to them to do that . Every Sunday morning churches all over the world get together and sing praise and worship music . All different languages , different styles , different instruments , different songs , different dynamics of sounds and harmonies . Beautiful . Except in America or so it would seem . African Americans like different types of music than white people . Their harmonies are different too . White people like their worship more sedate or more like a rock band . African Americans love gospel and syncopation . I swear , the white church just discovered syncopation . It 's awkward for us . Sunday mornings are called the most divisive day of the week . I say it 's because of the preferential style of music . I wonder if one day we will all relax and just do music . Some Spanish , some gospel , some rock and roll and some lovely hymns with all that beautiful poetry and theology . Personally , I would love to sing a pretty African chorus in the native language . Of course , I would want to know what I 'm singing - - I 'm not completely nuts . But I think that singing an African chorus or a Chinese chorus would help me to feel a little connected with my church around the world . I know they are there and I wish I knew them and could pray for them . It seems like music could connect us together in the here and now . Maybe one day . " Go on upstairs , take a bath and change your clothes . Dinner 's almost ready and it 's Lum and Abner night . Honestly , Virginia Min , I think you have more dirt on you than skin . Come on . " Mother walked up our carpeted stairs and marched me into the bathroom . " I thought you said you were playing at Ray and Walt 's house . I saw their older sister and she said you left after lunch . " Mother helped me unbutton my gingham dress , blue and green with thin red stripe and a white Peter - Pan collar . I liked that dress . It hid the dirt . " I saw Gladys Pinkley and played with her this afternoon . " I was in my little slip and getting nervous now . I turned and faced my mom . I didn 't know what to say to her . I didn 't know how she would react . " Gladys Pinkley ? You never played with her before , Min . I didn 't think you even liked her , the way you spoke of her . " Mother sat on the commode and stared at me suspiciously . I shuffled my feet . " Aren 't you going to take your socks off ? " " Isn 't so bad . We had fun . " I bent down and slowly untied my shoes . Mother turned on the faucet to the tub . Sweat from dread poured down my cheek . " Well , " Mother said as stood . I swear she looked twenty feet taller in that little bathroom . " It 's about time you found some girls to play with . You can 't be a tomboy forever . You 're growing up . " I looked up at her , my heart on my mouth . She would never approve . I wondered if I was going to hell for keeping this from her . I wondered if Gladys ' older sister found out what we used . I wondered if Gladys was getting a thrashing as I stood in my slip in the bathroom . " Um . " I didn 't know what to do so I cross my arms in front of me . Mother 's jaw dropped open and she coughed . It looked to me like she was laughing but I was too scared to be sure . " Ok , Min . Wash your hair and you make sure you scrub . " She handed me a wash rag and closed the door . I locked it behind her . Then I listened to her walk down the stairs . It was only then that I took off my shoes , my socks and my underthings . I sat back in that wonderful clawfoot tub . Today was the day that everything changed . With a deep , contented sigh , I let my feet float up and admired my painted red toenails . brush your teeth , brush your hairhide in the under brushbrush up against someone . . . just be sure you brush it up for theme thursday ! Wai - GongHe opened his eyes to the little kitchen across from his bed . It took him a few moments to sit up and feel the pains in his feet , his legs , his back and his hands which gripped the wooden frame under his mattress . He took a deep breath and with a sigh , stood . The new stove turned out to be a blessing ; he merely turned the nob and he heat came on for his hot water . After he relieved himself , he shuffled over to the little hook where he kept his clothes . He winced as he lifted the clothes off the hook . He sat down to put on his pants and stood to zipper them , with mechanical grace . He happened to notice the faded wedding picture on the wall by the door . He walked over to touch it and his gnarled hand straightened the frame on the crumbling plaster . The old man pulled his shirt over his head and for an instant , he was young . He remembered , he felt , he transformed into the artist of the people . He proudly put on his hat , picked up his brushes and ran out the door with a shout of good - bye to his young wife . The streets were alive and vibrant . The cause bubbled through his veins and his heart . He , the oldest , the artist , would be painting for the people . How his father would have to eat his words - - he would be an artist but he would be serving his great country . Productive and creative . The possibilities of the future were as open as the skies above the millet fields in Zhongyuan . The old man buttoned the shirt and turned off the water , which boiled in the little metal kettle . He let his mind wander to his father 's fields , to the quiet , honest roads and families and to endless stars in the night sky . A car 's horn outside his apartment window brought him back to his dingy room in the city . He had just enough time to sit down for a cup of tea and a little rice . He picked up his brushes and examined the bristles . He kept them as clean as an old man could and handled them jealously . No one Chris D Sunday Scribblings # 228Please click here to see moreThe prompt this week is : view . What 's the view from your window ? What 's your view on life ? On the current world situation ? What 's the best view you have ever seen ? Had ? What 's your dream view ? Have you expressed your views ? A Fork In The Road by * intao on deviantART A Room with a ViewMost times I sit and type my blogs in my front room . It is a gateway to several places in the house . My bedroom , bathroom , dining room and up the stairs . From here I can listen to my children complain about homework . Or watch them post things on Facebook , since our computer is centrally located in our frontroom , thank you very much . I can watch my hard working husband crash on the couch . I can get the front door . It 's a very good view of what is going on in our little home . I am in my last semester at the local college and will need to make a decision about what to do beyond my associate 's degree . I don 't even know that it matters . I 'm doing this so that I will have some type of paper to show that I have education to do a job - - that doesn 't exist anymore . I will be taking classes that will go towards the old Liberal Arts degree but they 've titled it different . If I don 't do this , then I will have several years of extra classes to take and I 'm not sure I want to do that . I 'm older now . I am approaching 50 in a couple of years or so . The dreams I had when I was young stayed there and new ones took their place . But dreams don 't pay bills or feed a family . My view is one of transition and stability . It seems that I am exactly where I am supposed to be . I am a stay at home mother who is available for her children . I am guiding my children to become more independent and self reliant so that when the time comes , they will fly . Some people embrace this but I chafe at the very thing I like . Stability . The other view is one of transition . I am getting older and it cannot be escaped . The options that were open to me in my 20s and 3os are no longer feasible . I am a dreamer from way back and I supPosted by From Pumping Your MuseSituations come into life unplanned and how we deal with them is a story . I sat at a garage sale today and a stray dog wandered into our midst . His golden coat was dingy and dirty . He 'd been around for three days . Someone probably dumped him hoping he 'd find a home . The grandkids begged to keep it , and with each potential shopper the dog 's ears perked up as if to ask , " Are you my new family . " Each individual reacted differently . For your prompt today , write three short paragraphs telling the story of three different people and how they reacted this this two - year - old yellow lab . Include the sense of smell or hearing in each paragraph . Her hip bothered her that morning . Aches and pains were part of the daily routine , but it was inconvenient that morning . She looked forward to browsing through small , cast off items at the garage sales . A cup here . A plate there . The carafe of a long gone coffee maker . As she walked up the driveway , she paused to take in the heavy , scent of homeowner 's climbing roses . She turned and her leg was blocked by something warm and soft . The dog looked up at her ; his tail thumped in anticipation . She smiled and caressed his broad head with a stiff hand . He was so like Charlie . She missed a dog 's companionship . Something else to put aside to remembrance . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The mother was huffing and puffing and she just gotten out of the car . She told her four year old son to hold her two year old sister 's hand ; she carried her newborn in the carrier along with the diaper bag . The walk up the drive way seemed an eternity of watching , lifting , carrying and worrying that someone would fall . No one did . The yellow lab stretched out across her path . One more thing to worry about . She told her son to step aside of the dog as a bead of sweat poured down her cheek . All that effort and the mother saw no clothes , no toys or anything that she could use . She stopped to take a breath and heard her baby make a familiar noise . She closed her eyes and turned around . She summoned her children and tookPosted by # 226 - I 'd like to thank . . . This week you are going to write your acceptance speech . Whether it is your Oscar 's speech , the dedication page from your book , or some other award , make sure it is for the award that is the most important one you can think of . In that moment of accepting your prize , who are you going to thank and why ? What would you like to say to the people in your life who have helped you get this far ? Who do you need to acknowledge ? A Thank You SpeechDear Jesus , my loving Heavenly Father , and sweet Holy Spirit ; I have thought many times of how to thank You for awarding me not one , not two but three children . I remember how hard it was to try to have children and wait . I remember the agony of each month , hoping and crying when that hope was dashed . I remember my co - worker asking me every Monday morning if I was pregnant and how humiliated it made me . I remember the doctor visits , the poking and prodding in places reserved for intimacy and privacy . And I remember seeing the little heart beat . It was nothing but a blip ; he was only 2 weeks from conception but his little heart was strong . Two more times I was able to carry a child to full term . Through all the sleepless nights , the exhaustion , the nursing , the crying and changing and wiping and demands , You brought me through it all . It was so difficult but You , God , You helped me . But today , that 's not why I am here to thank You . You see , Lord , I thought that I had faith . And I did . I thought that I was a faithful daughter and servant . I did many things , like sing at shelters and at Spred Group . Like visit the elderly once a week . Like become a chaplain to hand out coloring sheets . I did a lot of things and You helped me grow . But nothing prepared me for the award You were to give me . I don 't have a lovely statue or a trophy as my award . No , You have given me so much more . Through my son 's diagnosis of asperger 's , you have given me compassion , patience and tolerance . You have helped me be comfortable with people and families with special needs . That was a precioPosted by 1 Husband is still home on vacation so we are doing a lot of work around the house . 2 We are catching up from all the things we neglected last year . Last year , my husband and I were worship leaders , doing way too much and just letting things go . It was what we had to do . Now that we 're not the actual leaders anymore , we have time to do things like clean up our the porch , get rid of a lot of books and clothes , and fix the roof on said porch . We are thanking God for this time . 3 We took the Wii remotes , the Gamecube remotes , our old Gameboy and the DS . I am not going to let them rule my children 's summer . 4 Ronn the aspie loves his little Ipod ; it 's only 1G so it holds only 100 songs or so . He loves it . He tries to hog the computer every day , rearranging songs , putting new songs in it and playing his music . Obsessed or typical 13 year old ? I think it 's the latter . 5 Ronn hasn 't had any playdates . He seems to be handling it ok so far . He had mentioned something about wishing he could have fun with other kids . He and his sister are in band Monday through Thursday from 9am - 12pm . That 's quite a bit of socialization , I think . And he 's not being harrassed . I talked to friends who have kids his age - - normal kids . They have been bullied , harassed , letters to principal , board members , talked to bullies ' parents and still their child is bullied . I cannot understand why our district does nothing about it . 6 Harrey the younger is across the street or outside all day . It does my heart good . However , he took the Nintendo DS ( a handheld video game ) and sat in the car with it . It was a cool day , thank God . Needless to say , said DS was taken away until further notice . 7 It is indescribably beautiful out . At the time I am writing this , it 's 63 degrees F with low humidity . 8 As soon as the porch is done , I will take pictures . It is such a pleasure to be able to use it again . 9 Another reason the mess on the porch was out of control was the garage sale . Excuses , excuses . But it 's being cleaned . 10 I don 't know if I 've said it before , buChris D For the past month or so I have had fluid in my ear . My right ear is filled that I have hearing loss in it and on Saturday I will be on a plane to Florida . This is a problem . I have tried candling in the past and believe it or not , it worked . Experts don 't recommend doing it . I cautiously recommend it but you have to be so careful and you should never ever do it alone . But that 's my opinion . If I didn 't tell you that I had this problem , you would not know . I don 't physically speak or make videos of myself speaking . Even if I did , there would be no way for you to know that I have this problem , unless we had conversation . Blogging is like that and I forget that . Sarcasm sometimes does not translate as sarcasm - - it translates as stupidity . I should know because I 've posted sarcasm unsuccessfully . It 's a little like my ear problem . If I never posted it , you would not know . And mere words may not convey a certain tone of voice , unless you are thoughtful and careful . Posted by Sunday Scribblings # 216 - dragonI know we don 't very often go fantasy here at Sunday Scribblings , and this doesn 't have to be if you don 't want to go there . It is inspired by this J . R . R . Tolkien quote : " It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations , if you live near him . " This is a piece I wrote about 3 years ago . I reread after a couple of years and I still like it . Would love some good feedback on this one . Farewellby C . DeanneCopyright 2010 All Rights ReservedPragmatism , child . I have taught you since you played as a hatchling in the trees . Yet another harvest , my daughter . And still , you do not listen . You will see for yourself if I am right in so teaching you . This stone shelf is warm . The sun loves it here , high on the mountain , above the trees . Your bones and flesh will warm on this smooth stone well into autumn . Keep it clean , my child . It does not belong to us , really . Lord Arawn has not come here in many good long years but he will one day . They always do and out of politeness and regard for their courtesy , you must keep the shelf clean . He and his people have never once hunted you or your brother . For that matter , they have never bothered me , your father or any of your sires ; that means something . Do not forget . This is their holy place . There are many things that I will miss . I have many memories here , most of them are good . Just the few bad ones from my youngest days . I befriended a little girl at the root of one of the mountains . Her hair was gold , like armor on your chest and she was sweet as ripened berries in summer . Many a fine talk we had when she was a little one and I a dragonling . We walked the tree line . We hid , or we thought we hid , from her mother . Her mother said nothing , bowing her head towards me ; she never said a word to me . And the little girl - what was her name , it 's been so long ? She used to run to me , her curls bouncing in the summer fields when the wildflowers were in bloom . So pretty she looked , so pretty that I forget how sick I would get from the flower dust . The wPosted by # 215 - recipeWith all of the foodie blogs out there , sometimes I get full just looking at the internet . With deliciousness in mind this week , I thought I 'd suggest something a little different . The prompt is : recipe . Do with it what you will ! My Scattered Mind ( results and ingredients will vary . This is a good , basic recipe ) For this recipe , you will need the following ingredients . 1 - redheaded boy with a social skill problem1 - 11 year old girl with braces , zits , hormones and low blood sugar1 - 9 year old boy with the attention span of a fly1 - tired husband , who is no longer afforded the luxury of overtime , unless authorized3 - churches : one for the family ; one for the daughter ; one for the boys5 - personalities1 1 / 2 bible studies : one you could only attend in the fall ; one you can attend regularly2 - semesters of college ; more if needed5 gallons / yards / gross of music , homework and choresa dash of dreams a pinch of crabbiness , PTA , anxietyguiltimaginationhopelovefaithPreheat the summer air in Chicago to 90 to 100 degrees F . Add moisture , if the atmosphere is not saturated already . Add first four ingredients and let them go . Either tread carefully around them or step out of their way . Stir in churches , personalities . Simmer gently . Carefully add Bible studies and then college . If you reverse the order , the husband will fly off the handle and you will have a mess on your hands . Transfer into the music . Stir often so that practicing , chores and homework do not get mushy or stick together . Add the dreams , along with the crabbiness , PTA and anxiety . Be careful that you don 't add too much PTA because it can overwhelm the recipe . Sprinkle with guilt liberally ; in this recipe , there is never enough . It is easy to walk away from this recipe because it takes a long time until it is done . In fact , it takes a lifetime . While you are stirring , add imagination , love , hope and faith ; without them , the stirring is useless and your results will be ruined . Best served on a cold November day with hot chocolate , blankets and the Three StooChris D The prompt this week is : courage . Note : I took this from another prompt but it fits Sunday Scribblings ' prompt as well . ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Training WheelsI made him wear a helmet . I don 't care ; there will be no skull fracture if I can help it . We bought him one of those push bicycles but he wouldn 't pedal . We tried everything . He liked tricycles at other people 's homes but outgrew them before we could purchase one . We bought him a bike with training wheels . He outgrew it . We bought him a larger bike with training wheels , but when we took the training wheels off , he still couldn 't do it . It all has to do with upper body weakness and low muscle tone . I read that 's part of my son 's diagnosis . What that has to do with autism or asperger 's syndrome , I 'll never know . We gave up on it or rather , we let it go . My husband and I had tried our best and if he couldn 't ride a bike , so be it . There are so many more worse things in life than that . But that sunny afternoon , my husband called me from our side door and let the screen slam shut . I hate that noise and so does he , so I ran out ; my husband does not let a screen door slam for nothing . I walked to our front sidewalk and there he was . In fifth grade , yes , but riding without training wheels and beaming . How many prayers had gone up for that small childhood milestone . My husband and I watched him pedal past us and felt a couple of fears lift off our shoulders and vanish . I went on a little writing spurt for a while , posting on blogger and Multiply . Then I got distracted with school and life and here it is , May . I had so many goals and dreams about writing a novel . Now I 'm not sure I ever will . It 's pretty sad when your goal is not to write a great novel ; your goal is to finish , to complete . I thought about doing a frame novel , like in " The Martian Chronicles , " where the novel is almost a compilation of short stories that centers around the colonization of Mars . I thought of using the snowflake method to outline a good plot and then write it from there . In the end , I 'm back where I started from - - the beginning . Posted by From Dragon Writing Prompts : Tell a true story . . . in one sentence . No cheating with run ons ; - ) Tell the essence and keep it succinct . After asperger 's , ADHD is a mere inconvenience . A minute before midnightShe read the last lines of her Elizabeth Gaskell novel : Miss Barker hovering about us with offers of help , which , if she had notremembered her former occupation , and wished us to forget it , would have beenmuch more pressing . The pages of the paperback pressed into her thumb and left a small red mark . She placed a cross stitch book mark to keep her place and put the book on her bedside table , next to her alarm clock . The sheets were clean and crisp because it was Sunday , when she changed her sheets . It was like a fresh start to the new week . Normally she would turn off her light and snuggle into the white eyelet pillowcase , but not tonight . Tonight Amy wished she had a television in her bedroom to keep her company . The silence in her condominium seemed a judgmental . She turned her light off and lay on her back . She had to straighten out her cotton nightgown against the cotton sheets , flip her hair out her face and smooth the blanked over her . Her eyes were stubborn that night and she could not get them to shut , even after reasoning with herself . The top of her ceiling gave no sympathy and pressed down from the heights in a shadowy gray and black . The shadow from the fan looked like a spider ready to silk down on top of her . She turned the other way and had to adjust her gown again , which made her turn the other way and of course , she had get up , fix her gown and go back into the bed . Amy turned on the light with a sigh and picked up her book . 11 : 59Tears filled her eyes . Soon it would be midnight and she would miss her deadline . She smacked the book on her bed and covered her face with her hands . She had gone to Carson 's because they had a sale on black Aerosoles . When the sales clerk had gone in the back to find her size , she looked down on the floor and there it was . A perfect , white baby bootie . Just one , which told her that the baby had the other one on her foot . It was a her because she would never dream of putting a lovely thing like that on a boy . She picked it up . It was hand done , she was Posted by . . . so as to not waste a perfectly good image , let 's think outside the box and have BOX be the theme for april 8th ! hope we don 't make you feel boxed in with our request ! James Blanton adjusted his Brooks Brother 's jacket . It impressed him that in spite of the humid St . Louis July afternoon , the lines of his suit were crisp and clean . He straightened his blue satin tie and ran his finger between his Adam 's apple and collar . He popped a small Altoid 's under his tongue and turned to face Ms . Wilma Whitman 's secretary . His shoes tread through the plush carpet while he walked to the man 's desk . The older man was typing on his keyboard and looked at him in a sort of wide - eyed wonder . " My name is James Blanton . I 'm here to see Ms . Whitman . She is expecting me at 4 : 30 . " The man swiveled his chair and faced him . His eyes looked sad and his lips moved , as if he were searching for the right words . " Yes , James , I know . I 'll go in and tell her you 're here . " " Is - - has she said something to you ? " James asked him . " Oh , yes . Yes . " The man 's smile appeared sad and sympathetic . Ms . Whitman 's secretary walked to the large double doors , opened them and disappeared behind them . The carpet muted the sound of everything in the room . The tall doors climbed all the way to the cathedral ceiling . James sighed and walked to the windows . Like the doors they went to the ceiling and overlooked downtown St . Louis , but not the arch or river . That view belonged to the chosen ; the well - do - to ; the lucky of the world . The two black leather chairs and little glass table looked a like an after thought . James wondered in his mind if anyone had ever used them . He turned to the elevator . The walls were painted black as was the elevator ; no numbers at the top . All floors were down from here and straight to the garage ; he had to leave his desk and go to the garage in order to get to her office . What is it like to be here ? To hold the future of all these people in your hands ? What is it like to have so much power ? To make decisions that will have lasting effect inPosted by |
Tonight our recycled Governor Jerry Brown will deliver his State of the State address for California . I like Jerry Brown and I hope he can return this great state to its prior glory . But I need to give Governor Brown a few last minute pointers before the big speech . Californians understand there will be more cuts . Pundits indicate most people are in favor of those cuts . I suggest , however , that both the pontificating pundits and the plurality of people will not be as adversely effected by the anticipated cuts as the disabled citizens of California . Governor Brown , we already know : it 's a mess . We all hope you can do something to fix it and all Californians know that we will have to tighten our collective belts and do more with less . I just ask you to remember those who are unable to tighten their own belts because of physical , mental or intellectual disabilities . Those who cannot do for themselves need people to help them . They need services and care and places to live and food to eat . they need access to medical care and doctors who will accept them as patients . Those who cannot do for themselves will feel the cuts so much more profoundly than their fellow Californians . This is true not only because they need the services more , but also because the services are not providing anything more than basic human needs . Most Californians will pay more in bridge tolls and gasoline tax as they drive themselves to work , but they won 't be left behind . They will suffer the closure of State Parks and endure longer lines at the DMV . College students will go further into debt as they prepare for a future that is pushed a little farther back because they cannot get the classes they need . None of these are acceptable , but we understand many are necessary . It is a high price to pay to fix things , but most stand at the ready , prepared to do their part . The disabled citizens of California will suffer those same issues and so much more . Some will be left homeless or be forced into institutions , others will die for lack of care and services . That price it too high . I ask , then , Governor Brown , that you consider very strongly the cuts that are terribly inconvenient for everyone and differentiate them from the cuts that can ruin or kill a select group of the citizenry . The disabled are for the most part , unable to turn anywhere else for assistance . They will be the responsibility of the State of California in one form or another . Consider the big picture , what state costs are being saved and what are being increased . Institutional care comes at a very high price and that price will be borne by the State . Protect the basic services that the disabled rely on to survive . Maggie decided we should go to the mall today . She would not entertain any other options . The museum ? NO ! Target ? NO ! walk in the park NO NO NO ! She is a mall rat . It 's an age appropriate activity , even if you have to go with your old mom . We bought some fantastic baby girl clothes for our friend 's new baby , which is always fun . It 's so easy to pick things out , it 's just hard to stop because all of it is so cute ! Once that was done I said , let 's go get a card so we can wrap this up when we get home and have it all ready to give to the new mama . We went into Papyrus , which is a fancy card store . It 's a tad overpriced , but it was right there . We entered the store and one of the workers was making her way out with three large boxes on a dolly . I pushed Maggie into a side aisle so she could pass . We were cornered because I could not negotiate the tight turn . When she was done I carefully backed Maggie out to the main aisle again . The clerk told me the new baby cards were toward the back on the right . Ok . We started back . A woman was perusing cards and her stroller was blocking my path . I said , " excuse me , please . " She looked up and quickly moved the stroller so we could pass . There was a sharp right turn to navigate with displays on either side . I evaluated how to manage that . Once back to the section I needed I would not be able to reach the cards because Maggie would be blocking the way . I considered my options for a moment and then just stopped . I said to the woman , this just isn 't going to work and I started backing out . She said , very nicely , " I will be happy to hand you anything you are interested in . " I pictured myself gesturing and saying " That one , no up , . . to the right . Yes ! That one . " Of course I would probably have to do that several times to get something I wanted . I just said nicely , " nope , it 's just not going to work . " The woman was very nice . She offered accomodations , but the bottom line is that I could not shop the way I wanted because I had a wheelchair user with me . That just doesn 't work for me . I hope she took note . I hope other people in wheelchairs and their families don 't shop at stores that don 't have room for wheelchairs . Getting inside the store is not access , you have to be able to shop . Strollers and dollies have to get around too , so it 's not just wheelchair users - or their mothers - who would benefit . There are a few individuals in wheelchairs who make a living setting up businesses for claims . I hate that . The professional litigant in the wheelchair is giving other wheelchair users a bad rap . Those people are taking advantage of the laws to further their own interests and they are causing unnecessary grief for the small business owners . Neighborhood Businesses are closing because of this activity . I do not condone this in the least and have no intention of filing any type of complaint . Due to her visual impairment , or perhaps her higher intelligence , Maggie does not watch television . If we are watching television she will use her talker to say " I don 't like tv " over and over again . Sometimes we turn it off and sometime we say , " Too bad , we do . " She finds that hilarious . Maggie 's visual impairment makes it difficult to process the movement of the images on a screen . She can see it but she cannot keep up with the changing images . She will simply turn her head away . There are certain camera angles and tricks that bug me , rapid fire image changes or the panoramic shots moving 360 degrees around an object that stays in the center . I always look away from that type of thing . I 'm not sure if it 's right , but I imagine every image on the screen creates that feeling in Maggie . When we are watching television , I position Maggie so that she is not facing the screen . She is either at right angles to the screen or has her back to it . She can hear the television and spend time with us without being visually assaulted . It isn 't perfect , but it seems to work . The other night we were watching an old episode of Glee . It featured the music of Lady Gaga . As you may know , Lady Gaga is one of Maggie 's favorites . She was sitting with the screen almost directly behind her when the Glee kids started singing " Bad Romance . " The first chords of the song make her stop and sit up very straight . I motioned for Steve to watch Maggie . When the song started she was trying with all her might to turn her head around . We laughed and put her right in front of the screen . She was going wild with excitement . I got some of it on video . I guess Maggie is willing to sacrifice for the arts . Posted by When I picked up the mail the other day there was a large bright green envelope addressed to Maggie . I noticed the return address was that of Joan P . , an old friend of my parents . I admit , I was curious , but I had to wait for Maggie 's bus to arrive so she could open it . After all , it 's not like Maggie gets mail every day . ( Well , actually she does , but it 's never anything fun , just insurance statements , medical bills and notifications about services . ) I knew the bright envelope would entertain her no matter what the contents . When she arrived Maggie was delighted to have the envelope on her tray . She pulled and yanked . Finally I helped her open it and she pulled out a soft inner package in wrapping paper along with a note . I read Maggie the note as she ripped the wrapping paper to shreds . Joan said in her note that she admired how Maggie always had a scarf that matched her outfit and sent her 5 more in various colors . Maggie has a ton of scarves , but she needs them . She sometimes goes through 10 or more in a day . They serve various functions . They cover the trach from prying eyes , the catch secretions and they look good . We try to emphasize the last function . The five new scarves were still on the table on Saturday when Steve and Maggie and I went for a walk in Golden Gate Park . In an amazing coincidence , we ran into Joan P , and I think that 's the first time that has ever happened . Of course I 've seen her at events and things numerous times over the years , but I have never crossed paths accidentally . She knows all about Maggie from this blog and gets news from my mom , but she had never met Maggie first hand . Funny how the universe works Maggie started out a bit shy , but she gave Joan a big laugh and wave when she heard it was the lady who sent the scarves . Yesterday Maggie wore the cool black and pink one and I don 't mind telling you she looked HOT ( Note Maggie flashing the peace sign to match the peace sign on her sweatshirt . That is purely coincidental . Maggie cannot generally isolate the movement of her fingers like that . ) The only thing that was deliberate was matching the hot pink outline of the scarf with her hot pink shirt ( not visible ) and the sweatshirt . Steve and I stole away on Friday night for a quick bite . We don 't go out very often and we always have a great time . I really needed to get out of this house but didn 't have the drive to come up with any thing . I jumped at Steve 's suggestion that we go out to dinner . We went to a little Mexican place we like . It 's always crowded and very ALIVE . Every inch of that small restaurant is decorated with brightly colored paint , pictures or other things . You can 't stay down in the dumps for long if you eat there . Here 's Steve posing by the beers and you can see some of the decor in the background . In addition to the decorations on the walls , every chair has a name painted on the back . The names are random , there will be Jordan or Ann next to a Julio or Mike . It 's just another part of the energy of the place . I signed in for us and we waited about 20 minutes for a table , wandering into a nearby bookstore for a few minutes . We came back just a minute before they guy said " Sally , for 2 " I said " right here . " He held out my chair and I had to point this out to him ( see picture ) . He smiled and said I 'd love to tell you that was on purpose , but we are a little busy to match the chairs with the customers . My phone rang during dinner . I always keep it on the table in case the nurse calls about Maggie . It wasn 't the nurse , but a number I didn 't recognize . I don 't know why I answered it , but I did . The woman on the other end said " Sally ? " I ( checked the chair and ) said YES ? I came back to the table and told my confused husband that it was Anna Romo . ( It was Steve 's idea that Maggie write the note ) . I said , she got Maggie 's note and was very happy about it . We smiled at each other and Steve said simply " Small Things . " What he meant by that was what a difference small things makes in someones life . Anna showed a small kindness to Maggie , Maggie sent a small note of thanks , Anna made a phone call to thank us for that and to invite us to visit again . Three small things that add up to a lot . And my chair had my name on it ! Maggie and her classmates had an art project making fish prints . I haven 't seen the results yet , but the picture the teacher took of the process is hilarious . All Maggie had to say was that the fish was stinky . It looks like a stare down I cancelled the bus Thursday because Maggie had an appointment at 2 : 30 and we would be late if she took the bus . That appointment was subsequently cancelled , but too late to get the bus back . So I drover her to school and picked her up . I arrived at school around 2 : 10 , a bit before dismissal . There were some kids leaving and others milling in the hallways , just like we all remember the end of a high school day . When we were leaving I found myself in the midst of a group of about 6 guys who looked quite cool . As they separated , some going downstairs , some out the door etc , they were saying their good byes . A baby girl was born last night . I don 't know her name yet , but she entered the world a few weeks early . There was quite a scare in the past few days . The young mom was told there was a liklihood that the baby was not getting enough oxygen . This is obviously extremely bad news . Mom knows better than anyone the dangers of that . Her first child is had extreme disabilities and health problems , many of them from a similar issue . She is an excellent mom and takes care of her son with love and devotion . But again ? It just wasn 't fair . Mom was scheduled for some emergent tests yesterday because of this . I wanted to call and ask about the tests but I didn 't want to intrude . Apparently after the tests the doctors decided it was time for this baby to join the world . I received a text last night from mom 's sister that said : " baby born today . She 's big and HEALTHY ! " We thought it was only right that Maggie should write a thank you note for the kindness shown to her by the lady at Boudin Bakery . I wanted it to be from Maggie , not from me . She 's 16 years old and can do this on her own . We don 't have the software at home to translate things she says on her talker to print , so I asked her teacher if Maggie could do it at school . She wrote it yesterday and they decorated it with glitter and sent it home today after it dried . About an hour after posting about being a local , we took Maggie on one of her favorite outings . We played tourist and walked through Fisherman 's Wharf . It 's a great outing for Maggie . There is a ton of activity with the people , the boats , the birds and the sights . We can just wander about for an hour or so and then come home . Whenever we go , we always stop at the Boudin Bakery . It is a two story working sourdough bread bakery and its all visible to passers by . You can watch the bakers make sourdough bread through the picture window while baskets of fresh bread pass by over their heads . The fresh bread moves slowly on an elaborate conveyer belt system from the the racks where it is cooled to the shop where people line up to buy it and lots of other good food and kitchen supplies . It is living theatre and you can eat the results . Here 's a shot of the baker working in the picture window taken from upstairs looking down . You can see the folks watching her . The baskets of bread go by on the track system at the top of the picture . The baker working in the window is often making bread in the shape of various animals including Dungeness crab , alligators , turtles and the like . Saturday was no exception . The woman was shaping together pieces of dough to create sourdough turtles . It was only ten AM , which is earlier than most tourists bother with Fisherman 's Wharf , so we were the only ones at the picture window . The baker waved at Maggie and then motioned for us to come around to the door . We did that . She came outside , introduced herself as Anna Romo , and presented Maggie with a gift of two small turtle loaves , which are pictured above . . Maggie was surprised and didn 't really react at first . Anna the baker asked where we were from and seemed surprised that we were locals . I told her we love coming down here because of the excellent energy . She smiled . Maggie then decided it was time to wave and smile at her too , which made Anna happy . Maggie was very proud of her turtle bread and held the bag herself for a while . AAnna Romo , baker at Boudin Bakery did that . Her one act of kindness and generosity erased so many annoying things that Maggie has to put up with . Anna is a great ambassador for all the visitors to Fisherman 's Wharf . Even the Locals . We tried to get a shot of Maggie and Anna together . The sun and glare from the window kind of washes Maggie out , but I wanted to get Anna at work . San Francisco draws people from all over the world . Most people who live here came here from somewhere else . Those transplants are always amazed when they meet a native San Franciscan . But there are quite a few of us around . I am a San Francisco native . I live four miles from my parents house where I grew up . I haven 't gone very far . It doesn 't seem strange to me because I know so many people who are also natives and still live in the area . One benefit of staying in the same small geographic area is the ability to stay in touch with friends and acquaintances from so many different parts of your life . For some that might be a nightmare , but I love it . San Francisco is not a very big city and those that stay tend to see each other over and over again . My friend Lori , who grew up in Los Angeles , is always amazed at the number of people I know . It has become something of a game to see if I will run into somebody I know when we are out . I always do . I can 't help it , I know a lot of people . I grew up here . I am one of seven children . I have 31 cousins , 25 of whom also grew up in San Francisco . I attended Catholic schools where many families were the same size . That is a wide net right there . It 's not just my old friends I see , but their siblings or friends of my own siblings . I worked downtown before I went to law school and made friends at that time . I returned from law school and joined the legal community . I have many friends from that part of my life . I married Steve and inherited all his friends from growing up and from college . I raised my kids here , sending the boys to the same Catholic school system I attended . I met many friends this way . When Maggie was born , I met an entirely new set of people in the world of disabled children and healthcare , several of whom I count as very close friends . We have lived in this house for 24 years and know many people in the neighborhood as well . Now friends of my sons are out in the working world and I run into them as well . There is some overlap in the different groMaggie World I have tremendous respect for pneumonia . The illness manifests in many different ways , but it always kicks your butt . Maggie is recovering from her latest bout with this bug now and she is doing fine . Until she isn 't . It just sort of sneaks up on her and saps her energy . She will be mid sentence with her talker and suddenly fall sound asleep . Pneumonia ordinarily means horrible coughing and a high fever . In her countless past episodes of pneumonia , I 've certainly seen both more than once . She has neither this time around . Her chronic cough is a little worse than usual , but not terrible . Her usually low temp is more in the normal range , but nothing I would call a fever . This time it is all issues related to energy and stamina . Maggie was exhausted for a week before I took her to the doctor on Monday . I assumed she was adjusting back to a full school day after two weeks of Christmas vacation . By last weekend she was needing a little oxygen during the day , which is unusual . That little bit would reenergize her for several hours . I sent her to school Monday warning the nurse that something was off . After a couple of hours the nurse called to tell me that she needed oxygen constantly or her oxygen levels would drop . That was my tipping point . If she needs that much help it had to be a pneumonia . It was time for the doctor . Now we are on day 5 of antibiotics and Maggie is much better . I tried to send her to school yesterday but she didn 't last more than a couple of hours . She 's a wee bit stronger today , though and she went back to school this morning . She has already lasted longer than she did yesterday . Now theres a three day weekend , so she should be in good fighting shape by Tuesday . I know there are many who feel the cost of caring for the disabled is too high . Most of those are too polite to tell me their position , but there are always a few who let me know . Fortunately I 'm ( usually ) too polite to tell them what I think of them . I have to admit I had some hesitation about talking to a reporter doing a story on the financial aspects of raising a child like Maggie . When Rob Reuteman , the author of the piece contacted me I asked him specifically if this was going to be a " these kids aren 't worth the money " piece . If it was , I didn 't want to be part of it . He quickly assured me that was not the case and I found his story to be realistic without being alarmist . ( check out the story here ) As we march into the abyss of inevitable budget cuts in California , I will not justify the government 's support of Maggie and her peers . It is the responsibility of a decent government to care for its most vulnerable citizens . Besides , I know two things to be true : 1 ) We are saving the state a ton of money and 2 ) Maggie is a pioneer and deserves the government support . The care Maggie is getting here , though costly , is far far far less expensive than it would be if she were living in a facility . She would have all the same costs PLUS lodging . Also , we can deal with things like her current pneumonia at home instead of in the hospital . One week in the hospital is about two months worth of in home care . In all of last year Maggie spent three days in the hospital , compared to weeks and weeks in other years . It is not that Maggie is healthier than in previous years , because she is not . It is because we can catch things early before they get out of hand and because the doctors know she will be well cared for at home and the we have everything we need . Maggie is absolutely a pioneer and she benefits from the pioneers who came before her . The American government has always supported pioneers . We 're not looking for a land grant , just the ability to live the life the medical advances saved . Medical technology and practice is improving every day . Medical advances are much faster than the social infrastructure . They can save people , but society doesn 't have ability properly care for them . Society fumbles along to create the services that weren 't there . By the time they are in place there is another level of care necessary . Maggie is in that " next level . " But she 's not the last . I have my daughter today because a mother a generation lost her daughters and the medical world figured out how to change that . Maggie is living the life she is so that a little girl a generation form now won 't have to because medical advances will continue . There is no question that caring for Maggie and others is expensive . Is it worth it ? Yes , I think so but admittedly I 'm biased . She 's my daughter . Maggie is sick . At 8 : 00 AM I called the doctor to report symptoms of Maggie 's and thought she had pneumonia . she was doing all right and I sent her to school , but something was " off " . I had to go get her because the school nurse had to keep giving her oxygen . She wasn 't terribly ill , but this is not normal . I called urgent care and waited 30 minuted for someone to answer the phone ( do they understand the definition of " URGENT ? " ) They gave me an appointment and then called back and instructed me to go straight to the ER . I silently groaned . Maggie wasn 't really sick enough for the ER , it would take longer and we would be taking up apace that someone else could use . On the way up there my call to the pulmonology nurse was returned . I told her we were on our way . While we were in there Maggie kept telling me on her talker that she wanted to go home . her sentence was " Mom , I want to go in car . Home " I said Sorry , Mag , we have to wait . Finally the resident came in . He was a handsome young guy who was very sweet to Maggie . He ordered a chest xray and left the room quickly grabbing Maggie 's hand to say good bye . After 3 hours , they decided Maggie does indeed have pneumonia . I ran into someone in the elevator back to the car and told him the story . He said , Dr . Mom is always right . As I left the elevator full of doctors I said , " My life would be so much easier if they would just give me a license . " in other news ( literally ) I was contacted by a reporter named Rob Reuteman recently . He was doing a story on the financial implications of raising a seriously ill child . Maggie and I became the example family . For someone who never met Maggie , he really managed to " get " her and the situation . Check out the article here http : / / www . foxbusiness . com / personal - finance / 2011 / 01 / 10 / newborn - unexpectedly - unwell / I live a horizontal life in a vertical house . I need to move things around easily , store a ton of supplies for Maggie , and maneuver her wheelchair , yet I live in a house that 's 25 ft wide and three stories high . That means a lot of stairs and a lot of up and down . Brisco the wonder dog and I have had quite a morning on the stairs . This dog loves to follow me up and down the stairs just in case there is a chance I will grab a leash and open the front door . You can almost hear him ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy . He has to follow because he is depending on his vision more and more . He can 't hear me call him when it really is time to go out . It seems Brisco 's hearing has really faded to almost nothing . I have been up and down the stairs a lot today . There are several rugby players from the University of Nevada staying here this weekend so they can attend the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl on Sunday . ( Nevada v Boston College ) We have a futon and floor space in the laundry room downstairs , but I have to get all the laundry done so a couple of guys can use that room . Every load is a trip down the stairs and Brisco follows expectantly . In addition , Maggie 's new mattress arrived and I had to get the other mattress back upstairs . I 'm the only one home but I figured I could move a single bed mattress . It was more difficult that I anticipated . ; it took several tries as the staircase is rather steep . I could get it as far up as the bend on the staircase , but it would slide back down as I tried to navigate the bend . I kept stepping out of my shoes as I pushed and pulled . It did not help that Brisco was walking between the mattress and the wall pushing the mattress against me so that he could stay as close as possible . ( It 's up there now because I refused to fail . ) The best , though , was the attempt to put away Maggie 's supplies . The diapers , " chucks " ( underpads for changing ) catheters etc arrived in three huge boxes as they do every month . They just leave them on the front porch . I wish they would leave them in the driveway so I could eliminate some of the work of putting them away . I have to store these in the basement because there isn 't any other room . The boxes are too big to carry so I have to unload them a little at a time and bring the stuff downstairs . There are 16 packages of diapers ( 12 in a pack ) and 8 packages of chucks ( 12 in a pack ) to bring down . ( note this is not enough to last her the entire month , I have to buy an extra case of each . Don 't be jealous ) They 're not heavy , but bulky and I cannot carry too many at once , but I always try anyway . I start down the stairs with some of the chucks , which for some reason are packaged in plastic bags that are open on one end . They will slide out if you pick them up from the wrong end . Brisco waits for me to start down the stairs and then has to race me . You can imagine what happened . He brushed me as I was trying to balance too many packages at once and everything went kaplooie . I teetered but did not fall ; I did , however drop the packages and there were orange chucks everywhere . I was afraid to take a step for fear I would slip on the slick plastic so I just backed up the basement steps , went out the front door , down the front steps and into the basement form the front so I could clean up the mess safely . Here they are all stored on two shelves in the basement . Brisco was beside himself when I went out the front door thinking for sure it was walk time . He looked at the hook where the leases are and looked back at me as if to say " WHAAAAT ? " I had to laugh . Maybe it 's time we both went for a walk . Posted by We are about to give Maggie her second new mattress in three days . That 's painful when the Christmas bills are still rolling in . So much for that spending freeze we were going to go on . As I mentioned the other day , I am on a tear to get rid of things in this house . I want to get my office out of the dining room and into one of the bedrooms upstairs . The dining room will look better and I can hide my mess upstairs . It 's hard for me to get any work done when the nurse are with Maggie . When they need my help I can run downstairs . On the other hand when I 'm on my own with Maggie I can just bring the laptop down , I don 't need all the supplies and machines around me all the time . Before I can do that , though , we need to clean out as much stuff as possible from that back room . We do need to have a bed in there still , but we are going to make it a full instead of a single - or at least we were . That 's out now . The single bed in there has a fantastic mattress . Maggie 's mattress is terrible and old and should have been tossed years ago . Ironic , isn 't it . NO one sleeps in the bed upstairs and Maggie probably spends 2 / 3 of her life in or at least on the bed . Out with the old one and bring the good one down to Maggie 's room . Turns out the good one is too good . It has a pillow top on it and it is too high to be safe for Maggie . Maggie 's bed was custom made by Steve . It is a large box set about four feet up off the ground . The side rails are the key to keeping this constantly moving child in place . There is still a little bit of room between the top of the mattress and the rails , but when she gets going she could easily fall out . It has to go back upstairs . Here 's a comparison of the old and the new . Look at the openings on the rail . There is at least four or five inches of difference . When shes on top of the new mattress she is right at the rail . You can see in the old mattress pictures how she hangs her legs over the edge . No question she could flip herself right out and it 's a long way to the floor from there . The old one is NOT coming back , though . It 's too disgusting . I went to Mattress Discounters and bought a new one yesterday . I might be the first customer they had to insist the mattress could not be too high . I started to explain why , but just stopped mid sentence . It was too complicated . The mattress was supposed to be delivered today , but the only time they could do it was between 5 and 8 PM . I told them to wait until tomorrow . They won 't guarantee that will be any different , but hope springs eternal . I need to get it covered in the allergy / dust cover and then get the bed made , which requires some rigorous climbing . I can 't do that when Maggie is in the house needing all her interventions . If they can 't do it while she 's at school tomorrow I will have them leave it and Steve and I will do it Saturday morning . Someone asked me recently how Steve and I feel after 16 + years of raising Maggie . My first ( and flip ) thought was " tired " but I did not answer that way . Instead , I said what I truly believe . We feel like every other parent of a 16 year old . Despite the drama and complexities , parenting Maggie has many similarities to raising any other child . We love her , worry about her and want whatever is best for her . The specifics are different but the general ideas are the same . Of course , the devil is in the details . Many parents of 16 year old girls have to worry about academics and getting into the right college , the impact of certain friends , whether she will make the sports team , is attending her music lessons or , on the darker side drugs , depression and teen pregnancy . We don 't have to worry about any of those things , good or bad . We worry about oxygen saturation and tubes of all shapes and sizes to meet Maggie 's physical needs and worry about boredom and difficult logistics when it comes to meeting her social and emotional needs . The common denominator is worry . That is what parents do . Whenever someone says , " I couldn 't do what you do , " I feel very uneasy . Of course they could and they would if it was their daughter . Parents do what they have to do to protect and care for their child . I cannot say that either , though because people don 't want to imagine themselves in our situation . They find it tragic and sad and do not want to think of their own child like this . That makes me uneasy too . Our life is not tragic and sad . It is simply life . Trying to fit a nice clean label on it just does not work , and the words " sad " and " tragic " never work . This is Maggie 's life . This is how she was born . She is a fully engaged young woman with a range of things to offer . If anything I wish people would try to appreciate the wonder of our experience and save the labels for the jam jars . There are times when our life with Maggie is unbelievably difficult , but there are also raucous celebrations of the simplest achievements . You cannot spend 30 minutes with Maggie and still find anything about her life " sad " because she will have already made you laugh 10 times . Maggie is living her life at full tilt and we are just along for the ride . In her case the tilt is much steeper . It 's a tough climb up the steep incline , but it 's a great ride down . It 's all in how you look at things . Just move your lens a little bit and what you see won 't be so scary . Today is the first day of school of 2011 . I remember trying to get the boys moving on school days . It was not an easy task . The first day back after vacation was nearly impossible . There was cajoling , and pleading coming from me and sloth - like grunts coming from them . I used my cheeriest ( and most annoying ) voice to wake them while turning on the light and singing a song . If a pillow wasn 't thrown at me , it was pulled over their tousled heads . When they did come downstairs , it was generally with about two minutes to spare . They would eat a banana or a piece of toast as they left the house . Communication from either of them was rare . My singsong " have a nice day guys " was generally met with a tilt of the head or a single eyebrow raise . Not Maggie ; she was chomping at the bit to get going . After two weeks of partying , and hanging out together every morning , we had to get up , face the morning routine and be outside for the bus at 7 : 10 . Getting up at that hour is not a huge change , it 's not like we slept in during vacation . The nurse leaves at 7AM every morning so I was always up . Maggie was awake almost every morning , but not ready for her day . Being " up " and being " ready " are two very different things . During vacation I got up at 6 : 55 and padded downstairs half asleep . In order to actually be ready , I have to be up around 6 : 15 , load up the chair with the equipment and get Maggie downstairs . When that alarm went off earlier than it has for the past two weeks , I really felt it . When I came into Maggie 's room this morning she was already in her chair waiting to go . Lucy had done almost all of the preparation and we actually had a few minutes . Maggie was jumping around in her chair , anxious to start down in the elevator . I had to laugh , even thought I wasn 't surprised . Last night Maggie kept using her talker to say , " Mom . Tomorrow is Monday I go to school . " When I said , " that 's right , are you excited to go back to school ? " Maggie would waive her arm as though someone had plugged her in . Now Maggie is at school . The house is quiet , there is not pop music playing . I can put away the Christmas decorations and get some work done . Or , for the first time in two weeks , do nothing at all . |
Tonight our recycled Governor Jerry Brown will deliver his State of the State address for California . I like Jerry Brown and I hope he can return this great state to its prior glory . But I need to give Governor Brown a few last minute pointers before the big speech . Californians understand there will be more cuts . Pundits indicate most people are in favor of those cuts . I suggest , however , that both the pontificating pundits and the plurality of people will not be as adversely effected by the anticipated cuts as the disabled citizens of California . Governor Brown , we already know : it 's a mess . We all hope you can do something to fix it and all Californians know that we will have to tighten our collective belts and do more with less . I just ask you to remember those who are unable to tighten their own belts because of physical , mental or intellectual disabilities . Those who cannot do for themselves need people to help them . They need services and care and places to live and food to eat . they need access to medical care and doctors who will accept them as patients . Those who cannot do for themselves will feel the cuts so much more profoundly than their fellow Californians . This is true not only because they need the services more , but also because the services are not providing anything more than basic human needs . Most Californians will pay more in bridge tolls and gasoline tax as they drive themselves to work , but they won 't be left behind . They will suffer the closure of State Parks and endure longer lines at the DMV . College students will go further into debt as they prepare for a future that is pushed a little farther back because they cannot get the classes they need . None of these are acceptable , but we understand many are necessary . It is a high price to pay to fix things , but most stand at the ready , prepared to do their part . The disabled citizens of California will suffer those same issues and so much more . Some will be left homeless or be forced into institutions , others will die for lack of care and services . That price it too high . I ask , then , Governor Brown , that you consider very strongly the cuts that are terribly inconvenient for everyone and differentiate them from the cuts that can ruin or kill a select group of the citizenry . The disabled are for the most part , unable to turn anywhere else for assistance . They will be the responsibility of the State of California in one form or another . Consider the big picture , what state costs are being saved and what are being increased . Institutional care comes at a very high price and that price will be borne by the State . Protect the basic services that the disabled rely on to survive . Maggie decided we should go to the mall today . She would not entertain any other options . The museum ? NO ! Target ? NO ! walk in the park NO NO NO ! She is a mall rat . It 's an age appropriate activity , even if you have to go with your old mom . We bought some fantastic baby girl clothes for our friend 's new baby , which is always fun . It 's so easy to pick things out , it 's just hard to stop because all of it is so cute ! Once that was done I said , let 's go get a card so we can wrap this up when we get home and have it all ready to give to the new mama . We went into Papyrus , which is a fancy card store . It 's a tad overpriced , but it was right there . We entered the store and one of the workers was making her way out with three large boxes on a dolly . I pushed Maggie into a side aisle so she could pass . We were cornered because I could not negotiate the tight turn . When she was done I carefully backed Maggie out to the main aisle again . The clerk told me the new baby cards were toward the back on the right . Ok . We started back . A woman was perusing cards and her stroller was blocking my path . I said , " excuse me , please . " She looked up and quickly moved the stroller so we could pass . There was a sharp right turn to navigate with displays on either side . I evaluated how to manage that . Once back to the section I needed I would not be able to reach the cards because Maggie would be blocking the way . I considered my options for a moment and then just stopped . I said to the woman , this just isn 't going to work and I started backing out . She said , very nicely , " I will be happy to hand you anything you are interested in . " I pictured myself gesturing and saying " That one , no up , . . to the right . Yes ! That one . " Of course I would probably have to do that several times to get something I wanted . I just said nicely , " nope , it 's just not going to work . " The woman was very nice . She offered accomodations , but the bottom line is that I could not shop the way I wanted because I had a wheelchair user with me . That just doesn 't work for me . I hope she took note . I hope other people in wheelchairs and their families don 't shop at stores that don 't have room for wheelchairs . Getting inside the store is not access , you have to be able to shop . Strollers and dollies have to get around too , so it 's not just wheelchair users - or their mothers - who would benefit . There are a few individuals in wheelchairs who make a living setting up businesses for claims . I hate that . The professional litigant in the wheelchair is giving other wheelchair users a bad rap . Those people are taking advantage of the laws to further their own interests and they are causing unnecessary grief for the small business owners . Neighborhood Businesses are closing because of this activity . I do not condone this in the least and have no intention of filing any type of complaint . Due to her visual impairment , or perhaps her higher intelligence , Maggie does not watch television . If we are watching television she will use her talker to say " I don 't like tv " over and over again . Sometimes we turn it off and sometime we say , " Too bad , we do . " She finds that hilarious . Maggie 's visual impairment makes it difficult to process the movement of the images on a screen . She can see it but she cannot keep up with the changing images . She will simply turn her head away . There are certain camera angles and tricks that bug me , rapid fire image changes or the panoramic shots moving 360 degrees around an object that stays in the center . I always look away from that type of thing . I 'm not sure if it 's right , but I imagine every image on the screen creates that feeling in Maggie . When we are watching television , I position Maggie so that she is not facing the screen . She is either at right angles to the screen or has her back to it . She can hear the television and spend time with us without being visually assaulted . It isn 't perfect , but it seems to work . The other night we were watching an old episode of Glee . It featured the music of Lady Gaga . As you may know , Lady Gaga is one of Maggie 's favorites . She was sitting with the screen almost directly behind her when the Glee kids started singing " Bad Romance . " The first chords of the song make her stop and sit up very straight . I motioned for Steve to watch Maggie . When the song started she was trying with all her might to turn her head around . We laughed and put her right in front of the screen . She was going wild with excitement . I got some of it on video . I guess Maggie is willing to sacrifice for the arts . Posted by When I picked up the mail the other day there was a large bright green envelope addressed to Maggie . I noticed the return address was that of Joan P . , an old friend of my parents . I admit , I was curious , but I had to wait for Maggie 's bus to arrive so she could open it . After all , it 's not like Maggie gets mail every day . ( Well , actually she does , but it 's never anything fun , just insurance statements , medical bills and notifications about services . ) I knew the bright envelope would entertain her no matter what the contents . When she arrived Maggie was delighted to have the envelope on her tray . She pulled and yanked . Finally I helped her open it and she pulled out a soft inner package in wrapping paper along with a note . I read Maggie the note as she ripped the wrapping paper to shreds . Joan said in her note that she admired how Maggie always had a scarf that matched her outfit and sent her 5 more in various colors . Maggie has a ton of scarves , but she needs them . She sometimes goes through 10 or more in a day . They serve various functions . They cover the trach from prying eyes , the catch secretions and they look good . We try to emphasize the last function . The five new scarves were still on the table on Saturday when Steve and Maggie and I went for a walk in Golden Gate Park . In an amazing coincidence , we ran into Joan P , and I think that 's the first time that has ever happened . Of course I 've seen her at events and things numerous times over the years , but I have never crossed paths accidentally . She knows all about Maggie from this blog and gets news from my mom , but she had never met Maggie first hand . Funny how the universe works Maggie started out a bit shy , but she gave Joan a big laugh and wave when she heard it was the lady who sent the scarves . Yesterday Maggie wore the cool black and pink one and I don 't mind telling you she looked HOT ( Note Maggie flashing the peace sign to match the peace sign on her sweatshirt . That is purely coincidental . Maggie cannot generally isolate the movement of her fingers like that . ) The only thing that was deliberate was matching the hot pink outline of the scarf with her hot pink shirt ( not visible ) and the sweatshirt . Steve and I stole away on Friday night for a quick bite . We don 't go out very often and we always have a great time . I really needed to get out of this house but didn 't have the drive to come up with any thing . I jumped at Steve 's suggestion that we go out to dinner . We went to a little Mexican place we like . It 's always crowded and very ALIVE . Every inch of that small restaurant is decorated with brightly colored paint , pictures or other things . You can 't stay down in the dumps for long if you eat there . Here 's Steve posing by the beers and you can see some of the decor in the background . In addition to the decorations on the walls , every chair has a name painted on the back . The names are random , there will be Jordan or Ann next to a Julio or Mike . It 's just another part of the energy of the place . I signed in for us and we waited about 20 minutes for a table , wandering into a nearby bookstore for a few minutes . We came back just a minute before they guy said " Sally , for 2 " I said " right here . " He held out my chair and I had to point this out to him ( see picture ) . He smiled and said I 'd love to tell you that was on purpose , but we are a little busy to match the chairs with the customers . My phone rang during dinner . I always keep it on the table in case the nurse calls about Maggie . It wasn 't the nurse , but a number I didn 't recognize . I don 't know why I answered it , but I did . The woman on the other end said " Sally ? " I ( checked the chair and ) said YES ? I came back to the table and told my confused husband that it was Anna Romo . ( It was Steve 's idea that Maggie write the note ) . I said , she got Maggie 's note and was very happy about it . We smiled at each other and Steve said simply " Small Things . " What he meant by that was what a difference small things makes in someones life . Anna showed a small kindness to Maggie , Maggie sent a small note of thanks , Anna made a phone call to thank us for that and to invite us to visit again . Three small things that add up to a lot . And my chair had my name on it ! Maggie and her classmates had an art project making fish prints . I haven 't seen the results yet , but the picture the teacher took of the process is hilarious . All Maggie had to say was that the fish was stinky . It looks like a stare down I cancelled the bus Thursday because Maggie had an appointment at 2 : 30 and we would be late if she took the bus . That appointment was subsequently cancelled , but too late to get the bus back . So I drover her to school and picked her up . I arrived at school around 2 : 10 , a bit before dismissal . There were some kids leaving and others milling in the hallways , just like we all remember the end of a high school day . When we were leaving I found myself in the midst of a group of about 6 guys who looked quite cool . As they separated , some going downstairs , some out the door etc , they were saying their good byes . A baby girl was born last night . I don 't know her name yet , but she entered the world a few weeks early . There was quite a scare in the past few days . The young mom was told there was a liklihood that the baby was not getting enough oxygen . This is obviously extremely bad news . Mom knows better than anyone the dangers of that . Her first child is had extreme disabilities and health problems , many of them from a similar issue . She is an excellent mom and takes care of her son with love and devotion . But again ? It just wasn 't fair . Mom was scheduled for some emergent tests yesterday because of this . I wanted to call and ask about the tests but I didn 't want to intrude . Apparently after the tests the doctors decided it was time for this baby to join the world . I received a text last night from mom 's sister that said : " baby born today . She 's big and HEALTHY ! " We thought it was only right that Maggie should write a thank you note for the kindness shown to her by the lady at Boudin Bakery . I wanted it to be from Maggie , not from me . She 's 16 years old and can do this on her own . We don 't have the software at home to translate things she says on her talker to print , so I asked her teacher if Maggie could do it at school . She wrote it yesterday and they decorated it with glitter and sent it home today after it dried . About an hour after posting about being a local , we took Maggie on one of her favorite outings . We played tourist and walked through Fisherman 's Wharf . It 's a great outing for Maggie . There is a ton of activity with the people , the boats , the birds and the sights . We can just wander about for an hour or so and then come home . Whenever we go , we always stop at the Boudin Bakery . It is a two story working sourdough bread bakery and its all visible to passers by . You can watch the bakers make sourdough bread through the picture window while baskets of fresh bread pass by over their heads . The fresh bread moves slowly on an elaborate conveyer belt system from the the racks where it is cooled to the shop where people line up to buy it and lots of other good food and kitchen supplies . It is living theatre and you can eat the results . Here 's a shot of the baker working in the picture window taken from upstairs looking down . You can see the folks watching her . The baskets of bread go by on the track system at the top of the picture . The baker working in the window is often making bread in the shape of various animals including Dungeness crab , alligators , turtles and the like . Saturday was no exception . The woman was shaping together pieces of dough to create sourdough turtles . It was only ten AM , which is earlier than most tourists bother with Fisherman 's Wharf , so we were the only ones at the picture window . The baker waved at Maggie and then motioned for us to come around to the door . We did that . She came outside , introduced herself as Anna Romo , and presented Maggie with a gift of two small turtle loaves , which are pictured above . . Maggie was surprised and didn 't really react at first . Anna the baker asked where we were from and seemed surprised that we were locals . I told her we love coming down here because of the excellent energy . She smiled . Maggie then decided it was time to wave and smile at her too , which made Anna happy . Maggie was very proud of her turtle bread and held the bag herself for a while . AAnna Romo , baker at Boudin Bakery did that . Her one act of kindness and generosity erased so many annoying things that Maggie has to put up with . Anna is a great ambassador for all the visitors to Fisherman 's Wharf . Even the Locals . We tried to get a shot of Maggie and Anna together . The sun and glare from the window kind of washes Maggie out , but I wanted to get Anna at work . San Francisco draws people from all over the world . Most people who live here came here from somewhere else . Those transplants are always amazed when they meet a native San Franciscan . But there are quite a few of us around . I am a San Francisco native . I live four miles from my parents house where I grew up . I haven 't gone very far . It doesn 't seem strange to me because I know so many people who are also natives and still live in the area . One benefit of staying in the same small geographic area is the ability to stay in touch with friends and acquaintances from so many different parts of your life . For some that might be a nightmare , but I love it . San Francisco is not a very big city and those that stay tend to see each other over and over again . My friend Lori , who grew up in Los Angeles , is always amazed at the number of people I know . It has become something of a game to see if I will run into somebody I know when we are out . I always do . I can 't help it , I know a lot of people . I grew up here . I am one of seven children . I have 31 cousins , 25 of whom also grew up in San Francisco . I attended Catholic schools where many families were the same size . That is a wide net right there . It 's not just my old friends I see , but their siblings or friends of my own siblings . I worked downtown before I went to law school and made friends at that time . I returned from law school and joined the legal community . I have many friends from that part of my life . I married Steve and inherited all his friends from growing up and from college . I raised my kids here , sending the boys to the same Catholic school system I attended . I met many friends this way . When Maggie was born , I met an entirely new set of people in the world of disabled children and healthcare , several of whom I count as very close friends . We have lived in this house for 24 years and know many people in the neighborhood as well . Now friends of my sons are out in the working world and I run into them as well . There is some overlap in the different groMaggie World I have tremendous respect for pneumonia . The illness manifests in many different ways , but it always kicks your butt . Maggie is recovering from her latest bout with this bug now and she is doing fine . Until she isn 't . It just sort of sneaks up on her and saps her energy . She will be mid sentence with her talker and suddenly fall sound asleep . Pneumonia ordinarily means horrible coughing and a high fever . In her countless past episodes of pneumonia , I 've certainly seen both more than once . She has neither this time around . Her chronic cough is a little worse than usual , but not terrible . Her usually low temp is more in the normal range , but nothing I would call a fever . This time it is all issues related to energy and stamina . Maggie was exhausted for a week before I took her to the doctor on Monday . I assumed she was adjusting back to a full school day after two weeks of Christmas vacation . By last weekend she was needing a little oxygen during the day , which is unusual . That little bit would reenergize her for several hours . I sent her to school Monday warning the nurse that something was off . After a couple of hours the nurse called to tell me that she needed oxygen constantly or her oxygen levels would drop . That was my tipping point . If she needs that much help it had to be a pneumonia . It was time for the doctor . Now we are on day 5 of antibiotics and Maggie is much better . I tried to send her to school yesterday but she didn 't last more than a couple of hours . She 's a wee bit stronger today , though and she went back to school this morning . She has already lasted longer than she did yesterday . Now theres a three day weekend , so she should be in good fighting shape by Tuesday . I know there are many who feel the cost of caring for the disabled is too high . Most of those are too polite to tell me their position , but there are always a few who let me know . Fortunately I 'm ( usually ) too polite to tell them what I think of them . I have to admit I had some hesitation about talking to a reporter doing a story on the financial aspects of raising a child like Maggie . When Rob Reuteman , the author of the piece contacted me I asked him specifically if this was going to be a " these kids aren 't worth the money " piece . If it was , I didn 't want to be part of it . He quickly assured me that was not the case and I found his story to be realistic without being alarmist . ( check out the story here ) As we march into the abyss of inevitable budget cuts in California , I will not justify the government 's support of Maggie and her peers . It is the responsibility of a decent government to care for its most vulnerable citizens . Besides , I know two things to be true : 1 ) We are saving the state a ton of money and 2 ) Maggie is a pioneer and deserves the government support . The care Maggie is getting here , though costly , is far far far less expensive than it would be if she were living in a facility . She would have all the same costs PLUS lodging . Also , we can deal with things like her current pneumonia at home instead of in the hospital . One week in the hospital is about two months worth of in home care . In all of last year Maggie spent three days in the hospital , compared to weeks and weeks in other years . It is not that Maggie is healthier than in previous years , because she is not . It is because we can catch things early before they get out of hand and because the doctors know she will be well cared for at home and the we have everything we need . Maggie is absolutely a pioneer and she benefits from the pioneers who came before her . The American government has always supported pioneers . We 're not looking for a land grant , just the ability to live the life the medical advances saved . Medical technology and practice is improving every day . Medical advances are much faster than the social infrastructure . They can save people , but society doesn 't have ability properly care for them . Society fumbles along to create the services that weren 't there . By the time they are in place there is another level of care necessary . Maggie is in that " next level . " But she 's not the last . I have my daughter today because a mother a generation lost her daughters and the medical world figured out how to change that . Maggie is living the life she is so that a little girl a generation form now won 't have to because medical advances will continue . There is no question that caring for Maggie and others is expensive . Is it worth it ? Yes , I think so but admittedly I 'm biased . She 's my daughter . Maggie is sick . At 8 : 00 AM I called the doctor to report symptoms of Maggie 's and thought she had pneumonia . she was doing all right and I sent her to school , but something was " off " . I had to go get her because the school nurse had to keep giving her oxygen . She wasn 't terribly ill , but this is not normal . I called urgent care and waited 30 minuted for someone to answer the phone ( do they understand the definition of " URGENT ? " ) They gave me an appointment and then called back and instructed me to go straight to the ER . I silently groaned . Maggie wasn 't really sick enough for the ER , it would take longer and we would be taking up apace that someone else could use . On the way up there my call to the pulmonology nurse was returned . I told her we were on our way . While we were in there Maggie kept telling me on her talker that she wanted to go home . her sentence was " Mom , I want to go in car . Home " I said Sorry , Mag , we have to wait . Finally the resident came in . He was a handsome young guy who was very sweet to Maggie . He ordered a chest xray and left the room quickly grabbing Maggie 's hand to say good bye . After 3 hours , they decided Maggie does indeed have pneumonia . I ran into someone in the elevator back to the car and told him the story . He said , Dr . Mom is always right . As I left the elevator full of doctors I said , " My life would be so much easier if they would just give me a license . " in other news ( literally ) I was contacted by a reporter named Rob Reuteman recently . He was doing a story on the financial implications of raising a seriously ill child . Maggie and I became the example family . For someone who never met Maggie , he really managed to " get " her and the situation . Check out the article here http : / / www . foxbusiness . com / personal - finance / 2011 / 01 / 10 / newborn - unexpectedly - unwell / I live a horizontal life in a vertical house . I need to move things around easily , store a ton of supplies for Maggie , and maneuver her wheelchair , yet I live in a house that 's 25 ft wide and three stories high . That means a lot of stairs and a lot of up and down . Brisco the wonder dog and I have had quite a morning on the stairs . This dog loves to follow me up and down the stairs just in case there is a chance I will grab a leash and open the front door . You can almost hear him ohboy ohboy ohboy ohboy . He has to follow because he is depending on his vision more and more . He can 't hear me call him when it really is time to go out . It seems Brisco 's hearing has really faded to almost nothing . I have been up and down the stairs a lot today . There are several rugby players from the University of Nevada staying here this weekend so they can attend the Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl on Sunday . ( Nevada v Boston College ) We have a futon and floor space in the laundry room downstairs , but I have to get all the laundry done so a couple of guys can use that room . Every load is a trip down the stairs and Brisco follows expectantly . In addition , Maggie 's new mattress arrived and I had to get the other mattress back upstairs . I 'm the only one home but I figured I could move a single bed mattress . It was more difficult that I anticipated . ; it took several tries as the staircase is rather steep . I could get it as far up as the bend on the staircase , but it would slide back down as I tried to navigate the bend . I kept stepping out of my shoes as I pushed and pulled . It did not help that Brisco was walking between the mattress and the wall pushing the mattress against me so that he could stay as close as possible . ( It 's up there now because I refused to fail . ) The best , though , was the attempt to put away Maggie 's supplies . The diapers , " chucks " ( underpads for changing ) catheters etc arrived in three huge boxes as they do every month . They just leave them on the front porch . I wish they would leave them in the driveway so I could eliminate some of the work of putting them away . I have to store these in the basement because there isn 't any other room . The boxes are too big to carry so I have to unload them a little at a time and bring the stuff downstairs . There are 16 packages of diapers ( 12 in a pack ) and 8 packages of chucks ( 12 in a pack ) to bring down . ( note this is not enough to last her the entire month , I have to buy an extra case of each . Don 't be jealous ) They 're not heavy , but bulky and I cannot carry too many at once , but I always try anyway . I start down the stairs with some of the chucks , which for some reason are packaged in plastic bags that are open on one end . They will slide out if you pick them up from the wrong end . Brisco waits for me to start down the stairs and then has to race me . You can imagine what happened . He brushed me as I was trying to balance too many packages at once and everything went kaplooie . I teetered but did not fall ; I did , however drop the packages and there were orange chucks everywhere . I was afraid to take a step for fear I would slip on the slick plastic so I just backed up the basement steps , went out the front door , down the front steps and into the basement form the front so I could clean up the mess safely . Here they are all stored on two shelves in the basement . Brisco was beside himself when I went out the front door thinking for sure it was walk time . He looked at the hook where the leases are and looked back at me as if to say " WHAAAAT ? " I had to laugh . Maybe it 's time we both went for a walk . Posted by We are about to give Maggie her second new mattress in three days . That 's painful when the Christmas bills are still rolling in . So much for that spending freeze we were going to go on . As I mentioned the other day , I am on a tear to get rid of things in this house . I want to get my office out of the dining room and into one of the bedrooms upstairs . The dining room will look better and I can hide my mess upstairs . It 's hard for me to get any work done when the nurse are with Maggie . When they need my help I can run downstairs . On the other hand when I 'm on my own with Maggie I can just bring the laptop down , I don 't need all the supplies and machines around me all the time . Before I can do that , though , we need to clean out as much stuff as possible from that back room . We do need to have a bed in there still , but we are going to make it a full instead of a single - or at least we were . That 's out now . The single bed in there has a fantastic mattress . Maggie 's mattress is terrible and old and should have been tossed years ago . Ironic , isn 't it . NO one sleeps in the bed upstairs and Maggie probably spends 2 / 3 of her life in or at least on the bed . Out with the old one and bring the good one down to Maggie 's room . Turns out the good one is too good . It has a pillow top on it and it is too high to be safe for Maggie . Maggie 's bed was custom made by Steve . It is a large box set about four feet up off the ground . The side rails are the key to keeping this constantly moving child in place . There is still a little bit of room between the top of the mattress and the rails , but when she gets going she could easily fall out . It has to go back upstairs . Here 's a comparison of the old and the new . Look at the openings on the rail . There is at least four or five inches of difference . When shes on top of the new mattress she is right at the rail . You can see in the old mattress pictures how she hangs her legs over the edge . No question she could flip herself right out and it 's a long way to the floor from there . The old one is NOT coming back , though . It 's too disgusting . I went to Mattress Discounters and bought a new one yesterday . I might be the first customer they had to insist the mattress could not be too high . I started to explain why , but just stopped mid sentence . It was too complicated . The mattress was supposed to be delivered today , but the only time they could do it was between 5 and 8 PM . I told them to wait until tomorrow . They won 't guarantee that will be any different , but hope springs eternal . I need to get it covered in the allergy / dust cover and then get the bed made , which requires some rigorous climbing . I can 't do that when Maggie is in the house needing all her interventions . If they can 't do it while she 's at school tomorrow I will have them leave it and Steve and I will do it Saturday morning . Someone asked me recently how Steve and I feel after 16 + years of raising Maggie . My first ( and flip ) thought was " tired " but I did not answer that way . Instead , I said what I truly believe . We feel like every other parent of a 16 year old . Despite the drama and complexities , parenting Maggie has many similarities to raising any other child . We love her , worry about her and want whatever is best for her . The specifics are different but the general ideas are the same . Of course , the devil is in the details . Many parents of 16 year old girls have to worry about academics and getting into the right college , the impact of certain friends , whether she will make the sports team , is attending her music lessons or , on the darker side drugs , depression and teen pregnancy . We don 't have to worry about any of those things , good or bad . We worry about oxygen saturation and tubes of all shapes and sizes to meet Maggie 's physical needs and worry about boredom and difficult logistics when it comes to meeting her social and emotional needs . The common denominator is worry . That is what parents do . Whenever someone says , " I couldn 't do what you do , " I feel very uneasy . Of course they could and they would if it was their daughter . Parents do what they have to do to protect and care for their child . I cannot say that either , though because people don 't want to imagine themselves in our situation . They find it tragic and sad and do not want to think of their own child like this . That makes me uneasy too . Our life is not tragic and sad . It is simply life . Trying to fit a nice clean label on it just does not work , and the words " sad " and " tragic " never work . This is Maggie 's life . This is how she was born . She is a fully engaged young woman with a range of things to offer . If anything I wish people would try to appreciate the wonder of our experience and save the labels for the jam jars . There are times when our life with Maggie is unbelievably difficult , but there are also raucous celebrations of the simplest achievements . You cannot spend 30 minutes with Maggie and still find anything about her life " sad " because she will have already made you laugh 10 times . Maggie is living her life at full tilt and we are just along for the ride . In her case the tilt is much steeper . It 's a tough climb up the steep incline , but it 's a great ride down . It 's all in how you look at things . Just move your lens a little bit and what you see won 't be so scary . Today is the first day of school of 2011 . I remember trying to get the boys moving on school days . It was not an easy task . The first day back after vacation was nearly impossible . There was cajoling , and pleading coming from me and sloth - like grunts coming from them . I used my cheeriest ( and most annoying ) voice to wake them while turning on the light and singing a song . If a pillow wasn 't thrown at me , it was pulled over their tousled heads . When they did come downstairs , it was generally with about two minutes to spare . They would eat a banana or a piece of toast as they left the house . Communication from either of them was rare . My singsong " have a nice day guys " was generally met with a tilt of the head or a single eyebrow raise . Not Maggie ; she was chomping at the bit to get going . After two weeks of partying , and hanging out together every morning , we had to get up , face the morning routine and be outside for the bus at 7 : 10 . Getting up at that hour is not a huge change , it 's not like we slept in during vacation . The nurse leaves at 7AM every morning so I was always up . Maggie was awake almost every morning , but not ready for her day . Being " up " and being " ready " are two very different things . During vacation I got up at 6 : 55 and padded downstairs half asleep . In order to actually be ready , I have to be up around 6 : 15 , load up the chair with the equipment and get Maggie downstairs . When that alarm went off earlier than it has for the past two weeks , I really felt it . When I came into Maggie 's room this morning she was already in her chair waiting to go . Lucy had done almost all of the preparation and we actually had a few minutes . Maggie was jumping around in her chair , anxious to start down in the elevator . I had to laugh , even thought I wasn 't surprised . Last night Maggie kept using her talker to say , " Mom . Tomorrow is Monday I go to school . " When I said , " that 's right , are you excited to go back to school ? " Maggie would waive her arm as though someone had plugged her in . Now Maggie is at school . The house is quiet , there is not pop music playing . I can put away the Christmas decorations and get some work done . Or , for the first time in two weeks , do nothing at all . |
The thoughts of a dark abyss turned my mind 's attention to a known unfathomably chasm in my own house . In previous years , my husband has had to do many plumbing projects in our bathroom . It 's gotten so that he 's done so many , pulled the nails out of this little kick board so many times , that it no longer wants to stay connected to the wall . So every day , when I use the facilities , I am staring right into this horrible abyss . It 's full of thick cobwebs and I swear to goodness , something furry that I am loath to investigate . I just push the scale up to the loose board and it sort of props itself up enough . I do not believe in making new years ' resolutions . I don 't make bucket lists . But the first thing on my 2014 to do list is to dig some nails out of the junk drawer and hammer this board back tight to the wall . It may have been a quieter Christmas this year , with my husband out to sea and my son moving out , but it was still magical to wake up ( or actually , be woken up ! ) by an excited daughter who cheered and grinned with every opened package and immediately tried on all her new clothes and gave 99 % of them a thumbs up ! My best gift this year ? It was when my daughter turned to me and said , " You 're a pretty cool Mom . " I know I am . . . . . now don 't you forget it ! ! Over the last few months , I have gathered paper at any garage sale I wandered through . Various sizes of index cards , foam shapes , stickers . If the price was right , I bought it . I am the craft Aunt . The one who would rather pull out glue and paper instead of playing a game . I 've crafted my way through all the nephews sleepovers and when I used to babysit regularly , after nap time was craft time . So for Christmas last year , at my sister 's advice , I gave them boxes of paper , glue , markers , and tape . This year , I 'm doing the same thing , times five . I know I have 1 , 000 sheets of white paper . So that is 200 in each box . For two days in a row , I have been on the receiving end of some very serious sweater envy . It feels really nice when something you are wearing ( and love ) is found to be as drool worthy as you thought it was ! At the bank , the teller raved about my ( very tasteful ) snowflake Christmas sweater . It looks so warm and perfect for the season ! Where did I get it , if I don 't mind her asking ? I don 't mind . Value Village . This past spring , I happened to hit a sweet sale : all sweaters 50 % off . I love cardigan sweaters and I love super sales and I found some wonderful deals , that I then had to wait six months to wear . Snowflake sweaters don 't wear well in spring time ! But when I pulled it out from the depths of my furiously jam packed closet this week , I started to second guess myself . Snowflakes ? Really ? Seems almost too close to ugly sweater territory . I tried it on and remembered why I bought it ! It 's warm and cozy and cute and fits just right . The next day I wore a sweater my sister loved . Where did I get it , she asked . Oh , um , remember the garage sale we were both just at ? And I went back later ? Um , there . It was just waiting for me and my 25 cents to come along ! I 've been robbed , I thought , with a sick sinking feeling . And whoever did it was super stinky , because my car still smells like them . I looked to the steering wheel and saw two car fresheners hanging there . And they were thoughtful thieves too , trying to mask their bad odor ! I scoop handfuls off my desk morning , noon , and night . I pick them up from the loving embrace of the carpet beneath my desk . If I move anything I find clips hiding , shirking their clip duties . Today is Super Saturday . That means it is the first Saturday of the month , and our local hardware store ( over 100 years old ) has a 20 % off everything sale . My husband and I had a list of things we needed and wanted ( my list started with the free popcorn and moved on to the free cookies ) . But I heard a cough in that sea of people and I knew who it was . I left the aisle I was in and aisles away , found my son sweeping spilled popcorn . He works at the hardware store and I try not to embarrassingly seek him out when I am there , but that cough . . . So I washed the trays . Then all the dishes . Then dried and put dishes away . I smiled as I looked at the gleaming silverware drawer and then I started wondering if washing dishes at 11 pm followed a normal thought process . Of course it did , I reassured myself . Anyone who saw that grimy , empty tray would have done the same thing . What good did all the worry do me ? Not one thing . I borrowed troubles , I sweated the small stuff , I worried things down to the bone . . . . . If I could go back in time and give myself a note , not only give myself a note , but make it a note that I would believe with my whole heart and start practicing right away , it would be those simple words . If my Grandma 's cookie jar isn 't full when we come to visit , she pulls out her frozen cookie stash and serves us ice cold cookies . I 've never really understood the concept of having extra cookies to freeze until now . I 'm still learning how to shop for a party of teenage girls vs the way I shopped for a party of teenage boys ! Weeks ago , I had a plethora of extra cookies . I filled the cookie jar and still had so many cookies . I decided to freeze them , an experiment , to see if they were still okay after a freeze . My other option was to let them sit on the counter and get old and stale and finally go to the great garbage can in the sky . I froze 2 gallon bags filled with chocolate chip cookies and discovered something about myself . I like frozen cookies . I like to have a frozen cookie after dinner . I like to have a frozen cookie with my coffee . I like to have a frozen cookie pretty much any time of the day . Bears are scary . Those claws and teeth , their territorial possession of any land they are on which you might accidentally walk into , their desire to eat the same berries that you wish to pick . . . . Yep . Scary beyond all reason . As a kid , I had some defining moments with bears , but all without actually seeing a bear . Once , when berry picking with my Mom and siblings , she thought she heard a bear and hustled us back to the car , except for myself , who did not want to be hustled until she said the dreaded words , " I thought I heard a bear , " and then I hustled myself right into a sticker patch and got all the scratches one might expect from that . Another time , my Mom and sisters saw a bear in a neighbor 's field , going after their pig , and the lady of the house came out and shot it with her shotgun . Said bear was hanging in the barn for any who wanted to see . I did not . Next , a bear got drunk in an apple orchard , and the call went around the community for all to come see it 's funny antics , and I did not go . I refused to go . A drunk bear ? Are you insane ? All of these memories were brought to the forefront of my mind , when my Mom casually mentioned that my aunt saw a bear when she was out walking her dogs . 12 miles from my house . Sure , she was out in country section of our hometown , but all I could think was BEAR ! ! ! Too close ! In our many garage sale adventures this last summer , I bought a puzzle . I was taking a big chance on it , as it was open , and old , and it promised more than 500 not inter - locking pieces , but I bought it anyway . How could I pass up a " historic puzzle " of the front page of The New York Times from December 11 , 1936 when Edward VIII renounced the throne ? But then it sat in my dining room for weeks because I 'm not actually a huge puzzle person . I bought it to resell in my shop , but I can 't do that unless I know there aren 't any missing pieces . Yesterday at church my sister asked if I wanted to go to some estate sales . Yes , I did , but I was so tired , the drive to them seemed super exhausting . Instead , I saw my puzzle and suggested that my puzzle loving sister come over and we 'd put it together . She brought her puzzle board , just in case we didn 't finish in time , I could move it off the dining room table . When we opened the box , I thought this was a mistake . It was a front page of a newspaper , for crying out loud ! Tiny font , tiny pieces , and many fake edge pieces . . . . . But we invited our mom over and we all started working . My daughter put on an old movie and did her homework with us and we laughed and talked and teased my son that he should stay and join us . And then we were in the home stretch . We had about 20 pieces left , but we 'd been working on it for hours . Mom had to go home . My sister did too , but she 's a crazy awesome puzzle person , and those last pieces were going in on her watch . My daughter came over and the three of us had a moment or two of worry that we were missing a piece , and then suddenly we had three pieces left and three spots and we each put one in until it was a finished puzzle and we whopped and hollered and clapped ! I have stiffened my resolve and I did not reach for the phone to order . But it was very difficult to find the will power to do so . I hope I don 't see that commercial again tomorrow ! I can 't guarantee I 'll remain firm a second time . I 've been pretty tired lately , and having a slight sinus cold hasn 't helped . But I have powered through it ; haven 't missed work and kept up with the house and even walked the dogs in the evenings . I was sure I was keeping everything together , running smoothly , and had become a world class juggler . I remember pulling dinner out of the freezer and preheating the oven and sitting down for the next 40 minutes , confident I was cooking and had time to take a moment to do nothing at all . Only , it turns out I 'd forgotten the part where I put dinner into the oven to bake . I walked into the kitchen and saw dinner thawing but not cooking and knew I was done in for the moment . Not for health reasons or for jaw pain or fear of pulling out fillings . No , I 'm done with gum because I spilled my last pack in my purse , and pieces floated around in a sea of debris , and many pieces unwrapped . Those unwrapped pieces sank to the bottom and wriggled their way into cracks and turned into a giant gummy mess . The story of Ruth and Naomi is an old one , a Bible story told to youngsters seated in short chairs . Ruth says to her mother in law , " Wherever you go , I 'll go too . " As a kid , I like the romantic part , when long before Bruno Mars said it , Ruth said , " Boaz , I think I want to marry you . " But the other part , where Ruth follows her mother in law away from her family home and all she knew , that I never understood . I 'm lucky in the mother in law department . I 've got a nice one , a kind one , a giving one , but would I go with her wherever she went ? Trust me , she 's been to some wild places and I tend to be more of a homebody ! For 20 years it seemed like all we had in common is we love her son . But then life got hard and sad for all of us and suddenly I knew what Ruth was thinking . It isn 't blood that ties us as family , it is love . And that love will lead me to do all sorts of things I never thought I could , just because I saw a way to help , a need to fulfill , a hand to squeeze when things were rough , and a person I could be friends with . I never made it to visit my mother in law in Morocco , I can 't visit Baghdad , but her next post is Ireland . I 'm going to start saving my pennies right now to make that happen . Posted by Both options have draw backs . I don 't love driving the pick up ; it literally has holes in it where I can look down and see pavement . But I also don 't love having to leave the house at 7 : 15 to get her there on time . We do half and half and on the days I drive her to school , we are both trying to get ready in our bathroom at the same time . This , I said to my daughter as I scrunched up my curls with my hand , this is how I did my hair back in the 90 's . I 'd let my hair dry to just barely damp , then soak it with spray gel , then scrunch and scrunch the curls as I finished drying them on low . Then for the final piece of early 90 's hair magic , I 'd curl my bangs in two directions . One half curled down over my forehead , but the other curled up and bigger over my head , all said as I mimed the whole process . My daughter just stared at me . That , she said , couldn 't have been a good look for anyone . And has your hair always been that curly ? I looked in the mirror and realized I 'd scrunched all the curls into super curls . I grinned at her . That is the power of scrunching , never underestimate what it can do for your hair ! When my alarm went off this morning , it was with one of those disorienting moments when I just don 't understand why the alarm is going off . What day is it ? What time is it ? Am I late for something ? Should I still be sleeping ? When we lived in New Jersey , we lived close enough to New York City to see it across the water . We 'd been making our way on the Jersey shore , when my mom and sisters came to visit for Christmas . There was nothing for it but to pile into a tiny car and go exploring , and while my husband said he was absolutely not going to drive us into the city ( he did it regularly with his job and wasn 't a fan of the traffic ) we took some wrong turns and ended up in the city , driving right beneath the Twin Towers . I remember craning my neck and trying to look up , trying to see exactly how tall they really were in person , and being unable to fully comprehend it , they were so freaking tall ! It was amazing ! We drove around and ended up in a park where we enjoyed a view of the back side of the Statue of Liberty , and the fantastic skyline that is New York City . It was my favorite part of the day . Today is a day to remember , and not to forget . For the first time in years , I can look at this picture and smile . That was a great day , this was a great view , and those towers were really fantastic . My moment of silent remembrance is right now , late at night . I know this was exactly the time when I was laying in bed , listening to my kids sleep , praying like I 'd never prayed before . I still pray like that . This first day of school is different than the last couple of years . This one is quiet . This one is calm . This one is just one , and as I woke up our daughter , our 16 year old junior in high school daughter , I will admit I felt the welling up of tears . . . . missing the troop of boys that made our house shake as they all rolled in before school started each day for years and years . . . . Except 47 bug bites itch like crazy . I woke myself up twice in the night , scratching at angry welts . And even now as I sit here , I 'm aching to reach down and give three on the back of my calf a good , hard scratch . But , 47 bug bites are worth it for a good weekend . I swear . Or at least , I 'll swear that in a week when the itching has stopped ! It was a weekend of blackberry picking , impromptu dance parties , summer homework , smores , tractor rides and tractor driving , and so much fun . There is nothing like watching Grandma and Grandpa walk down from their house to have blueberry pancakes with us around the fire . It is literally priceless . When my son calls in the late hours , it is never a good thing . It usually involves the car and some variation of its barely held togetherness coming un - held . So when the phone rang at 9 : 30 pm , it was no exception . Last September , I was a barely turned 38 and if anyone accidentally said I was 39 , I was quick to say they were wrong . I was not even close to 39 . Don 't even whisper that wrong number in association with me ! I was just 38 . He did so much better than just ' okay ' ! He 'd met his perfect partner in his wife , and for 41 years their strengths and weaknesses complimented each other as they lived life fully , with many wonderful adventures to their name . He had three sons who are three really good men , and I 'm not just saying that because I married one . His sons are a testament to him and his kindness , his love , his integrity , his urge to learn new things and the need to see what is over the next ridge . They are good fathers because he showed them how it was done . His four teenage grandchildren have been blessed to grow up knowing him , listening to his stories , laughing at his jokes , and loving every minute of time spent with him . His newest grandson , just a few days old , will know him too , because each one of us has memories we treasure , and can 't wait to share . A few years ago , I decided that at the very least , I should be recycling the paper tp tubes , but at the best , I 'd be saving them for crafts . I mean , how many times have we gone to our cupboards to put together eight binoculars for Sunday school , and there were no tubes to be had ? I know , right ? All the time ! Since I am frequently the changer of the toilet paper roll , I started setting the tubes aside to put away later . Later turned into never and occasionally I will do a clean sweep of the bathroom shelves and recycle all the tubes I find . Dryer lint and I go way back . When I was young , I 'd read of an artist who used dryer lint as her medium . This made perfect since to me because dryer lint can be the softest shades of pink , purple and gray . Lovely ! I wanted to start my own art form , based on stealing all the lint , but that was ix - nayed by the parents ! As an adult , I don 't like it . I hate pulling the trap out . But I do , and since I 'm half lazy , I leave the trappings in a small basket in the laundry room , referred to me as the laundry garbage but really it was just a nice basket to hold toys that somehow ended up empty by the dryer and was commandeered into service . Years ago , I switched to a slightly more expensive toothpaste , not because it has fantastic promises of anti - cavity , anti - gingivitis , and whitening thrown in to boot , but because it had a flip top . In my family , a screw on cap for toothpaste is the worst . I might be the biggest culprit in this , but I 'm not the only one , who forgets to screw it back on after use . In time the toothpaste tube sits in a puddle of sticky blue gel and the lid has rolled off the counter to hang out in no man 's land , behind the toilet . I 'm afraid it 's just a matter of time before the cap is gone and the tube starts it 's downward slide to the garbage . Honestly , an uncapped tube of anything that sticky seems to have a magnetic force that attracts every single stray hair and fluff of dust in the room . But it only cost me 88 cents . . . . so I 'd probably do it again next time too . We can learn to screw the lid back on . I hope ! It 's leftover central in the fridge , and even tonight , as I was making homemade mac and cheese , I told myself to cut it in half , instead of 2 cups of milk , I only need one . It 's simple math on this one , and yet I didn 't do it . What if the recipe doesn 't taste as good when it 's not in its full glory ? It 's jam making time again and my Mom and I made a whopping big batch of strawberry . I 've eaten jam for breakfast , lunch , dinner and snacks . I 've used it on biscuits and toast and vanilla ice cream and on occasion had a tiny taste all by its self as I made a sandwich . My house is the Bermuda Triangle for Tupperware and towels . . . . . once they come in , they are rarely seen again . I don 't mean to absorb these things into my own , but it just happens . Take for instance , the Tupperware my sister Amy brought to my husband , filled with jello . . . . that was like 9 months ago and I just put our leftover dinner in it . I try to set them aside , to remember to return them to their rightful owners , but in moments of super cleaning , I forget why exactly I 've got a large plastic bowl balancing on top of the coffee maker . The towels , on the other hand , I am not sure where they come from . Who is coming into our home and leaving their bath towels in the laundry ? I don 't even try to return the those ; I am that short on towels . I will use every single one that drifts into our house ! No fork . No utensils of any kind . Just me , a piece of stale cake with scrumptious frosting and my fingers . And it is soooooo yummy . I 'm going to take a swipe as I leave for home . One for the road , you know ! My Mom made a new best friend when I was in New Jersey . My family started talking of a " Sandy " and didn 't I remember her from church ? Her kids were around our ages ? No . I couldn 't place her . She 's been there for our highs and lows . She 's helped clean and cook and celebrate and laugh and pray . Oh , how she can pray ! If you 've never been pulled into a Sandy pray hug , then you 've never met her . She 's not afraid to hug or pray and often is moved to do both at the same time . There is something to be said for having a well rounded education . My daughter is taking advanced math and science and literature classes and I know by her 4 . 0 that she understands the materiel . But I 've never been so proud as when she decided she would sew a skirt , zipper and all , and did in in the mater of hours . She can whip up just about anything in the kitchen , she is helping her Dad rebuild her old car , and she isn 't afraid of a sewing machine we 'd never used before , an old pattern we 'd found at a rummage sale , and the fact that I 'd never sewn a zipper in my life and had zero advice to give her . 1 . Our first meal as a married couple was pepperoni pizza at our local pizza parlor . We 'd just left our wedding reception and realized we 'd been too busy shaking hands and hugging family to have eaten any of the food . As we headed into town , pizza sounded so deliciously perfect , we stopped . We sat in the restaurant and held hands across the table and we couldn 't stop grinning . Sometimes when I 'm down there picking up our pizza order , I can see the ghost of those two joyful kids , and it is pleasing to know that we were right . Us is a very good thing . 2 . I tuck his side of the blankets in tight all the way from top to bottom , while my side is loose and ready for dogs to slip under . Even when he is gone , when I make the bed I tuck his side in just the way he likes it . Our daughter recently tried to get into bed on his side and was horrified by how tight it was . How can he even move ? she asked . That could explain why he spends most of his nights in the middle . 3 . When we roast hot dogs over an open fire , be it on camping trips or backyard adventures , he cooks both of our dogs . I get the buns ready while he slaves over an open fire , putting just the right burn on mine . It started because we only had three hot dog sticks and four people , so while he and the kids were cooking the hot dogs , I was busy getting plates of food ready for everyone . Sometime last summer we accidentally left a family camp out with several more hot dog sticks then we brought to the party ; but I still don 't cook my own ! 4 . We hold hands all the time . There was a moment in high school that I realized my hand fit to his perfectly , like the finishing pieces of a puzzle , and we 've never let go . His homecomings become real the second our hands find each other . When I picked him up at the train station just in time for our son 's graduation , we hugged and kissed , and it was when we got back in the car , and my hand resting on the console was clasped tight with his , that I was happy . 5 . When we moved to New Jersey , we spent a week living in a hotel , waiting for our Coast Guard apartment to be ready . We had no choice but to eat out at every meal . We 'd drive in random directions each evening , eating at new places , missing our old familiar favorites . I will never forget the moment we found a Denny 's ! It was like a piece of home and our joy and excitement was unparalleled . It served as a beacon of hope that we would be able to be at home in our new town . 6 . He 's a country boy at heart ; he yearns for trees and fields and space from neighbors , but I prefer to live in town so we live in town . I said I live alone too much to feel comfortable with the idea of bears spying on me through windows . Human peeping Toms don 't frighten me near as much as furry ones do , and after laughing ( a lot ) he bought this house on a corner lot , with views of our old high school and the valley leading into town . We 've made a good home here , one we both love . The last few months have seen some changes , some challenges , some new horizons . My company merged with a bigger company and my job changed . My husband traded a shore side job for one out at sea , gone for 40 days at a time . And this whole time we 've been gearing up to high school graduation and half an empty nest and a newly licensed driver . The changes in our life aren 't softly singing . They are roaring and ferocious and I 've got to say , I 'm exhausted . Yet , as I came home from work and started mowing the lawn , I felt strong and capable . I can do this . I can kiss my husband goodbye , straighten my son 's cap and gown , see my daughter take her first solo drive and survive . Tomorrow we will be reunited . I can 't wait ! I 'm not ready physically ( still working on laundry and the house is a disaster for our poor house / dog sitter and I just got called to work all day ) but emotionally I am beyond ready to drop our things off at the hotel and feel the cold sand under my bare feet , to spread out our beach towels and wrap up in blankets and give the kids shovels and buckets and kites and snack food as we sit and let the beauty of nothing to do soak into our souls . I 'm ready for the laughter and the visiting , for the memories that will be added to our family lore , for the fun and food and salt water taffy ! There you have it . Those three random tacky spots , that catch the bottom of my shoe just enough for me to know that something icky had been there before me , are actually because I have three whipped cream loving dogs . And one soft hearted husband who can 't resist puppy eyes ! I always have grand plans for my weekends ; lists of things I want to accomplish . Garage sale shopping , early morning walks , weed out the flower bed , catch up on laundry . I usually get everything done except one horrible job that is so overwhelming , I just keep putting it off , as any good procrastinator would do . My flower beds are once again a nightmare tangle of grass and weeds . I can 't seem to get motivated to go out there and tackle it . I was able to say the weather wasn 't very nice on my day off , but this last weekend was super wonderful and instead of weeding , I spent some time lying in my hammock with a a good book . . . . This is not a new problem for me . I face it every spring ! This year 's plan was to dig it all out and start fresh with sun loving , drought resistant plants ( because not only do I not weed very often , I always forget to water my plants ) . . . . . and by plan I mean I looked at a magazine and liked the pictures of hardy plants . I 've got some work to figure out what to plant and where it should go , but first , I better get the weeds out . But I looked around and suddenly had the realization that every single person I saw had a mother . I was not the first woman to do this whole thing . That gave me quite a bit of comfort ! As I start planning graduation parties and college preparations and a baby bird leaving the nest , I had that same realization . I am not the first mother to do this whole thing . Thinking back to how my own Mom helped me move to California , and left me in a strange city , waiting for my husband to come home from a Coast Guard patrol , and did it all in a such a way that I knew she would miss me but not feel an ache in her soul that her baby was old enough to try flight on fragile wings , I know that I can do this too . I am crazy in love with a handful of things : my husband and kids and family , buttered toast , good books and dogs . The dog part might cross over from crazy in love to obsessed . When I first started to really shop in the local antique towns , I decided to limit myself to dog related items . I was slowly building up my collection and it was cool . Then I started garage sale shopping every weekend and discovered I didn 't need to pay $ 8 for a ceramic dog when the chances were very good that I would find one for $ 1 . Last weekend , my sister and I were digging through a box of 10 cent items when she pulled out a bag of plastic dogs . It 's a pickers world , with finds going to the eagle eyed , but I wanted that bag of dogs desperately . It 's cool , I told myself . I probably grabbed up tons of stuff she 'd wanted but I saw first . All 's fair , I reminded myself . And yet , I wanted ! The wonderful thing about my sisters is that we know each other pretty well , and shortly thereafter , her bag of 10 cent dogs became my bag of 10 cent dogs and now they sit on my shelf , high enough to not be considered chew toys for babies or real dogs . I love them ! Posted by The other morning I decided I would have toast for breakfast . I got out my loaf of Dave 's Killer Bread , which is seriously the best bread I 've ever eaten . I was thrilled to find it comes in smaller " 60 calories a slice " loafs because I feel less guilt when I toast up two slices . It 's full of whole grains and nuts and my daughter likes it while my husband and son hate it . I toast it , it was delicious , and when I got home for lunch , I decided to go bread crazy and eat a sandwich . I reached for the bread and it wasn 't there . I looked by the toaster , I looked by the bananas , I looked in the cupboard and in the fridge and it was gone . Half a loaf of bread disappeared and as far as I knew , no one had been home between my breakfast toast and my lunch sandwich . I looked in the yard for any evidence of the bag , as in , our dogs have been known to drag whole loafs of bread outside to gorge themselves and remnants of the plastic bags always remain , but no chewed up bag was to be found . I went upstairs in case a kid was actually home , which has been known to happen when one didn 't feel good and didn 't feel like going all the way back to his house , he just crashed on the couch upstairs and I got a prickly feeling all morning that someone was in the house with me but was actually too freaked out to go upstairs to check , but this time I sent the dogs upstairs first , then slowly crept up the dark stairway ( burned out light bulbs don 't you know ) and it was empty . Which , turns out , was the saran wrap drawer . Worse , I must have opened and closed that drawer getting out chip clips , sandwich baggies , tin foil , and never once noticed a loaf of bread . Luckily , it survived its confinement in the drawer without any flattening and still will make a very nice piece of toast . At my Grandma 's house , she has two Swedish trolls . She keeps them under a glass box and my kids were scared silly of them when they were small . Apparently , shriveled apple head trolls with shiny red eyes and bodies dripping with moss is a scary thing to walk past in a dark hallway . This is the thing that will scare my future grandchildren , with its one bulging eye , gleaming white horns , janky teeth and no arms . I will put it under glass to keep it safe . Which , my daughter was quick to inform me , makes it seem more like I am trying to keep it from getting out to do harm . It all started in the middle of the night , as all good stories do . I got up to use the facilities and as I flushed , the handle let go of the inner workings of the tank , and flopped around uselessly . Now this is a situation I know a little something about . I 've taken the lid off and hooked the arm back to the thingy so many times , I can do it half asleep , but when I took the lid off this time , there was no hook , no inner thingy with holes . I did the next best thing at 3 in the morning . I found a shoe lace in the junk drawer and tied one end to the flapper and dangled the other end outside the tank . Whenever a flush is in order , pull the string up , the flapper pulls up , the toilet flushes , let the string resume its resting place outside of the tank . But when I got home from work that night , there was the tail , wiggling and wagging , hanging in the toilet bowl . I told my husband something was not right . I said it was broken or something . I didn 't want to say it 's a tail . I didn 't have to . My husband 's first response was a startled one : it 's a tail ! Then he realized it wasn 't a tail . Just part of the inner thingy that had worked it 's way out of the tank , on a Saving Nemo type journey . Now I know it wasn 't a tail . I know it for a fact . That does not ease my concerns every time I look at the toilet . It feels like it could have a tail in it for real , and whatever creature said tail would be attached too probably wants to bite ! Zoinks ! I 'm going to try to use this word more often . It feels good to say . And also jinkies . And yes , I did watch Scooby - Doo this past weekend . Unlike the classic Beatles song , yesterday all my troubles seemed close by and ready to pounce . This week at work is going to be stressful with changes and mergers and yesterday I was pretty upset about it . But the glorious thing about each new day is that it is a new day . When I woke up this morning , I was not troubled by worries of the stress of new things . Am I going to come home from this day , put my feet up and not want to eat leftover soup for dinner ? Undoubtedly ! But that is troubles best saved for after 5 : 00 ! Right now I 'm content with my cup of coffee and the promise of reading for 30 minutes before I get my turn in the bathroom to dry my hair and do my make up . After walking my three dogs this morning , I came home feeling like our 1 . 5 mile walk had taken us ten years and every day was boot camp . Three dog walking should be classified as an X - Treme sport . It takes extreme arm strength to keep them together and untangled . I 've got to be extremely agile to avoid tripping when they stop short and glob together to smell one super interesting spot right in front of me . Plus there is extreme danger of leash burn when walking past another dog in a yard as I try to hold them to heel . And if that other dog is barking . . . . well . . . . that moves from the X - Treme to the Completely Insane What Was I Thinking category ! For my 8 year old nephew 's birthday , his gift from me was a two night sleepover at our house , just him , and he got to pick Friday 's dinner , and watch all the movies he wanted , and stay up until 11 , and have waffles for breakfast two mornings in a row . His six year old brother has his birthday weekend next weekend . And don 't tell their soon to be 4 year old brother , but he will be getting the same gift ! Meanwhile , one of my other nephews started asking when his sleepover would be . He would drop his baby sister off at our house before his swim lessons and he would ask when he could stay . Well , I don 't work on Friday , how about Thursday night after swim lessons ? He was pretty excited , let me tell you ! He arrived with his bag and settled in nicely . Toys were everywhere , he quickly got the idea that at Oh - Cho 's house , he could eat cold pizza at 8 : 30 at night if he wanted , and Oh - Cho is a sucker for a plea of ' just one more book ' at bedtime so we read 8 books . By that time it was our bedtime too , so Uncle Erik and I went to bed . Now that all my nephews have graduated from playpens , they sleep on mattresses on my floor . That way I know what they are doing ( except that one time when one of them ate an emery board ) and if they need me , I am literally right there . My nephew and I made up his bed and read his stories and then we turned off the lights and covered him up and when I came back from changing into my pajamas , he was in our bed . I put him back in his bed , laid down in mine , and suddenly had a squirming , excessively hot , little body pressed against mine , insisting that all the covers be pulled over us . I decided to let him fall asleep there , then put him in his own bed . And that worked out really well , for about an hour . Then he woke up , crawled back into bed with us , and moved and shifted and all around thrashed about until he was using my arm as a pillow and tucking his cold feet against my legs . I gave up and fell asleep and in the morning , two alarm clocks and three dogs jumping over him didn 't wake him . I bake cakes and cookies and brownies and love to whip up a batch of waffles or pancakes , but all of those things call for vanilla . And I 'm out . And I 've been out for a month . Or more . It 's my dirty little baking secret . Bottles of vanilla are just one of those weird little things I never remember to add to my grocery list . I never remember I need it as I walk up and down the aisles of the store . I never remember I need it until I start to pull it from the cupboard and come up empty handed . In my younger years , I was a member of every book club imaginable . I loved book clubs more than I liked movie or music clubs , and my love is the reason my kids had an extensive library all of their own . Some books are treasured by them and kept upstairs away from little cousins ; others are treasured by me and kept downstairs to read over and over and over to those same little guys . Animals in underwear is just plain funny ! And who doesn 't like a nice , comfy , fitting just right pair of underwear ? But the best part about this book is listening to the kids giggle as I say the word ' underwear ' 38 times . Every work morning , my husband gets up at 4 : 30ish and starts his day . He lets our three dogs out of their crates and they run to our room , jump on our bed , and quickly get into their reserved spot . Every morning , with few exceptions , they can be found in their spots next to me . This morning , as my husband kissed me goodbye , seconds before my alarm went off , I woke up enough to ask where Olive was . I moved my feet back and forth under the covers , searching for the foot of the bed dog , and she wasn 't there . My husband said he didn 't know . I patted the two dogs on each side of me and could tell by their smooth fur that they were not the fluffy badger one I was seeking . I got up and looked around the house : couches , chairs , crate . No Olive . I went upstairs to see if she had snuck up to be with the kids . No Olive . I put on my jacket and went outside in the dew wet grass and softly called her name . No Olive . I checked the alley and the streets and was starting to have worries of dog - knapping . I sent a text to my husband . And within a minute of that text , I was sending one back to him that said , " Never mind . Found her . " And I didn 't want to elaborate on the wheres and hows I found her , but he called to check on the great lost dog case of 2013 , so I had to admit where I found her . I love the movie " Beaches . " I love the music ( still have the soundtrack on tape ) , I love the characters , I love Bette , and I love the line when C . C . tells Hillary that she knows everything there is to know about Hillary , and C . C . 's memory is very , very long . Hillary responds with a soft reply that she is counting on that . That sums up how I live my life . I know all my sisters ' stories . I can tell my husband 's childhood tales better than he can . My memory is very , very long and I love to share it . Go ahead . . . . Quiz me ! This morning as I was sleeping , our dogs swarmed me like always . I lifted one side the covers for Emma , and the other side for Olive and Sarah . One dog had been outside in the rain and was shockingly cold and wet as she curled up next to me . As the covers cocooned down on us , I wondered if there was anything better than dogs snuggled close on a day you just aren 't loving . Being on time is important and it is usually something I fail at . For family events , when we are running late , I can blame the kids or the husband or even the dogs . But on work days , it 's all me . Today I am going to be on time ( early even ) but that means I must stop writing . I still have to dry my hair , eat breakfast , find my dress shoes and my car keys and my water bottle and pack a snack and I better get to it ! Not only did my sister and I have a great time on Saturday ( minus the dead car battery incident that she handle with common sense and gumption while I freaked out ) , we went out again on Sunday afternoon . The sun was shining , her husband watched the little kids , and an estate sale close by was wheeling and dealing . We 'd never gone to a Sunday afternoon sale before and were very curious about how low the prices would be slashed . It was like , wow ! We had our arms full and even a box or two , and we each paid $ 7 for our huge pile of treasures . As I was standing there waiting for my sister to do one more walk through ( making sure we didn 't miss anything ! ) , I stared at this old bicycle . It 'd been one of the first things I looked at , but I was there for smaller things and didn 't want to spend all my money at the start . Her enthusiastic , " Yes ! " led me to believe they might have given up hope on selling it , and then I second guessed myself . What if it was too broken for riding ? What if it was $ 5 wasted ? I rolled it over to the car and decided if it was trashed , the bike rack at the back could be salvaged . Its hinge is still trap tight . There is no way to describe my joy when my husband pumped up the tires that still held air , adjusted the seat to fit me , and I gave it a test run . The brakes are solid , the gears shift nicely , and I am now the proud owner of a bike ! M is for Mine ! My son has worn these shoes into the ground . Or the garbage if you ask anyone who sees them . And yet , he continues to wear them ! They . . . I 'm going to let you all in on a secret . 2013 kind of kicked my butt . Kicked it , helped me regain my feet , then kicked me again . . . . Isn 't this cute ? A Mother Bear and her Cub , all sweet and nice and loving . The thing with a Mother Bear is that she does not l . . . My husband says I gravitate towards things from the 70 's when I shop vintage . That may be true . Actually , that is true . There is somet . . . |
Looking for a diet that will stave off cancer , cardiovascular disease , high blood pressure , obesity , osteoporosis , and type 2 diabetes ? Then this is the diet for you . Simple , easy to follow , and frees your body of toxins producing an efficient human specimen . I came across this one and decided to share . The Paleolithic ( Paleo or Caveman ) diet consists mainly of fish , grass - fed pasture - raised meats , eggs , vegetables , fruit , fungi , roots , and nuts , and excludes what are perceived to be agricultural products : grains , legumes , dairy products , potatoes , refined salt , refined sugar , and processed oils . Since the end of the Paleolithic period , several foods that we humans rarely or never consumed during previous stages of our evolution have been introduced as staples in our diet . With the advent of agriculture and the beginning of animal domestication roughly 10 , 000 years ago , during the Neolithic Revolution , humans started consuming large amounts of dairy products , beans , cereals , alcohol , and salt . In the late 18th and early 19th centuries , the Industrial Revolution led to the large - scale development of mechanized food processing techniques and intensive livestock farming methods , which enabled the production of refined cereals , refined sugars , and refined vegetable oils , as well as fattier domestic meats , which have become major components of Western diets . Paleo lunches are easy . At the beginning of the week , make a huge salad with anything you like . A good starting point can be mixed greens , spinach , radishes , bell peppers , cucumbers , carrots , avocadoes , walnuts , almonds and sliced apples or pears . Store the salad in a large sealable container . Each morning prepare a single serving from the large batch and then mix in meat ( ground beef , beef slices , chicken , turkey , ground bison , pork chunks , etc . ) or seafood of choice ( salmon , shrimp , tuna , or any fresh fish or seafood ) . Toss with olive oil and lemon juice and you are set . For dinner , try spaghetti squash as a substitute for any pasta recipe . Top with pesto , marinara and meatballs . Roasted beets and their greens make a great side dish for pork . Asparagus , broccoli , and spinach can be steamed quickly . Salmon , halibut , or other fresh fish filets grill well with accompanying foil packs full of cut veggies with olive oil and garlic . Since a scan of my uncle 's property showed no sign of him , I headed straight for the path that led to the river . The path was narrow and alders kept smacking my face ; I heaved a sigh of relief when I got to the airy open space of the river . Within a few minutes of walking along the riverbank , I started to see a gray figure ahead , and as I approached I could clearly see it was him ; the hat , bush jacket , faded jeans … yep , that was him alright . As I got closer to him I began to feel uneasy . The day was turning into night and the sky seemed to take on an eerie quality . There was no one else in sight and there was a dead calm . Even the sound of the river seemed to dissipate . The saliva in my mouth dried up causing a lump to form in my throat . Phonse seemed like a drunken man , he was staggering back and forth and his body was bent in an odd shape . His hat fell off his head and I could hear him grunt and moan . His arms were tight against his body , bent at the elbows ; I couldn 't see his forearms or his hands . My heart raced as panic set in , and I began to run . When I finally got to him , I found him soaking wet and clutching his trout rod with everything he had . The rod was bent in a u - shape , with the tip of the rod almost touching the reel , and at the end of the rod was the biggest salmon I had ever seen ! It was over three feet long and over a foot wide . It was wriggling like an alligator , twisting and turning , fighting with all its might to get away , and splashing water everywhere . There were scars around its gills and snow - white underbelly . Phonse had caught it in the main river and had managed to land it in a pool of knee - deep water beside the rapids . " I can 't hold it much longer ; the line 's not strong enough ! " He had been tackling with it for some time , but the salmon showed no sign of giving up . " Jump in and grab it ! " Without hesitation , I went in . Phonse pulled on the line one last time and gave it a good tug , hoping he could get it out of the pool and away from the water . I reached in and tried to grip it around its gills , but I couldn 't even get my hands around it . The line snapped , and in my last attempt to grab it , I fell into the water . The fish jumped out of the pool and into the rapids . We all need correction in our lives and there is nothing shameful about needing to be corrected when you do something wrong , it doesn 't mean that you are a failure . When people give correction try to focus on how difficult it must be for them to do it and how loving it is for them to give advice . Correction is essential for growth . It gives you insight into how you are perceived by others and helps you to curb negative traits that you may not even know you have developed . When someone corrects you try to look at the matter objectively . You might be inclined to take offense at the correction . But try to put your feelings aside . To help you do that , take yourself out of the situation for a moment and imagine that you are giving the same correction to someone else . Now put yourself back into the situation and try to view the matter the same way . Sometimes you can get so upset over the criticism that you forget that this person was trying to help you become a better person , not trying to hurt your feelings . The correction that hurts the most may be the correction that you need the most . Do not let pride cause you to reject the correction . On the other hand , do not allow yourself to become overwhelmed with discouragement just because you have something to work on . Humility will help you to avoid either extreme . Remember : The correction that hurts the most may be the correction that you need the most . If , for whatever reason , you reject it , you miss out on a valuable opportunity to grow . Even if you find the correction difficult to accept , why not express your gratitude to the person who gave it ? Undoubtedly , that person has your best interest at heart and truly wants you to succeed . You can never go wrong with saying thanks , especially if you needed the counsel . Even if you didn 't , you can be gracious and express thanks for the effort the person took to approach you . As I grow in age , I value women who are over forty most of all . Here are just a few reasons why : A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask , " What are you thinking ? " She doesn 't care what you think . If a woman over forty doesn 't want to watch the game , she doesn 't sit around whining about it . She does something she wants to do . And , it 's usually something more interesting . A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is , what she is , what she wants and from whom . Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she 's doing . Women over forty are dignified . They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant . Of course , if you deserve it , they won 't hesitate to shoot you , if they think they can get away with it . Older women are generous with praise , often undeserved . They know what it 's like to be unappreciated . A woman over forty has the self - assurance to introduce you to her women friends . A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn 't trust the guy with other women . Women over forty couldn 't care less if you 're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won 't betray her . Women get psychic as they age . You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty . They always know . A woman over forty looks good wearing bright - red lipstick . This is not true of younger women . Once you get past a wrinkle or two , a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart . Older women are forthright and honest . They 'll tell you right off if you are a jerk , if you are acting like one ! You don 't ever have to wonder where you stand with her . Yes , we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons . Unfortunately , it 's not reciprocal . For every stunning , smart , well - coiffed hot woman of forty - plus , there is a bald , paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty - two - year - old waitrAndy Rooney knew women . Maybe he didn 't always , but he caught on . It 's so true what you said about women over forty not giving a darn about what men think , heck , we don 't give a darn about anything once we pass a certain age . We are too busy to care . We 've seen and heard all the BS , nothing impresses us anymore , we just do what we gotta do with the time we have . Only recently , I realized what I wanted and where I should be putting my best effort . For me , I have spent so much time looking , I didn 't see what was right in front of me . I believe most women find their niche over forty . And about what you said about not being appreciated . Wow ! You hit the motherload . Why just the other day when I was out running errands , I got in a conversation with a fellow shopper and that person gave me the best compliment anyone could ever give a woman : . . . " you look 36 - 37 . . . " That 's 10 years younger than my actual age . I was so overwhelmed , I cried . ( Thank goodness for Mother 's Day . ) Our wrinkles show all the weight of the world . And , yes , we are done with taking the heat . Thanks for all your hard work and dedication , Andy . Andrew Aitken " Andy " Rooney ( January 14 , 1919 - November 4 , 2011 ) was an American radio and television writer . He was best known for his weekly broadcast " A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney , " a part of the CBS News program 60 Minutes from 1978 to 2011 . His final regular appearance on 60 Minutes aired October 2 , 2011 . He died one month later , on November 4 , 2011 , at age 92 . " I looked into it , " Karen replied , " but the cost is way out of my budget , and I don 't know if he is seeing anybody for sure . Regardless , I can 't wait . I figure I could speed things up by doing it this way . I just need a few pictures . So when I told a friend of mine what I was thinking of doing , he told me about you and got me your number . He knows someone in your group . " " Oh , who is it ? " she inquired . " Do you know Angie Tate ? I think her stage name is Nicky d ' Angelo , her father is Italian , or so I 've heard . My friend Paulie used to date her . " Karen took a sip of her coffee . " Yes , I know her , nice girl . She 's also a good actor , so why didn 't you choose her ? " " You just answered your own question , Casey . She 's a nice girl . And besides , you have assets that I can use . " Karen made googly eyes in the direction of Casey 's large breasts , and they both laughed . They carried on the conversation for another half hour and after careful consideration , Casey decided to do what Karen wanted . She didn 't have any acting gigs lined up and she really needed the money ; her agent always kept in touch , if anything came up she would deal with it . Since it was late and Karen had to get home to her son , they agreed to lunch the following day to discuss the plan further . Karen went home and checked with her son to make sure he was getting ready for bed . He had just brushed his teeth and was waiting for her to get back . He was a teenager now and didn 't need much instruction or supervision , but he still like to be tucked in occasionally . This they both enjoyed and savored . She kissed him , they exchanged I love yous , and then she shut off the light and closed the door . Parallel to her son 's door was her and her husband 's bedroom . The door was ajar and she peeked inside to see if he was sleeping . He was . She felt relieved . She made herself some herbal tea , took a lorazepam , and turned on the TV , these things always helped to switch off the brain chatter . After a while , she got drowsy and went to bed , being careful not to wake the sleeping bear . The next morning , Karen had the energy of a twenty year old instead of a forty year old . She got up early , got her son up and ready , and drove him to school . When she got back she cleaned the house , took care of the pets , and even did a load of laundry . She was on a roll , and the brain chatter was at bay . " Yah , thanks , I came across it one night while walking off my anger after a big argument with my husband . We used to live a few blocks down the street . " Karen sat down and got comfortable . The waiter came over and they ordered salads and green tea , then Karen started telling Casey the whole story from the beginning . She told her that her husband had seemed to be a loving partner in the beginning , but shortly after the marriage he had begun to drink . They had a son together and he seemed to be happy , but she started noticing that his drinking was getting out of hand and when she confronted him he became angry and violent . He had come home many times drunk and would hit her and try to knock around their son , but she would protect him . Several times she had called the police to take him away somewhere to sober up and he would come home the next day apologetic and regretful , saying that he wouldn 't do it anymore . She had gone to Al - Anon for support and she decided to leave him alone and she would concentrate on raising her son . Years went by and he drank his life away while she raised a child . He didn 't want to admit that he had a problem and after years of heavy drinking he developed Hepatitis and the doctor told him that if he didn 't quit drinking his liver would break down , causing cirrhosis and eventually cancer . Casey interrupted , " Did he quit drinking ? " " He tried . I think he really did try . I remember that day we came from the doctor . He said to me , ' Gee , I musta drank a lot , eh ? ' " I wanted to take my fist and drive it right between his two eyes , but then I felt so sorry for him , and I wanted him to get better . My son and I even had an intervention . One evening he came home after work , sober , and we made him choose , the bottle or your family . " Tears filled Karen 's eyes as she rummaged through her purse for tissue . " So what happened ? How did you get to this point ? " Casey was curious but patient , and handed over the tissue that Karen couldn 't seem to find . " Well , he quit for a while , but he started again , this time worse than before . We had a huge fight a couple of years back and I thought that would be the end . I had never before let it all out , but I did that day , and I screamed at him and I had made up my mind . I was leaving . But then , and this is the worse part , when I looked over at my son and saw the look on his face my heart sank . He was crushed . We had always tried to hide our fighting from him , but that time , I had had enough . I went over to him and took him out to the car and he cried , " I don 't want my parents to get divorced ! " I swear to you , Casey , I never saw him cry like that since he was a baby , the one time he fell and hit his head . It broke my heart . So I talked to him and I told him that sometimes parents fight , it doesn 't mean they are going to get divorced . I calmed him down then we went back upstairs where I spoke with that drunken idiot and explained to him the damage we were doing to our son , but I don 't think he cared . But anyway , we got through that and then things were going okay for a while , until the next time he came home , bouncing off the walls . " " Jesus Christ , why did you stay with him ? " " Believe me it wasn 't easy . I had spoken to so many people about what to do and I couldn 't figure it out . I was a damn fool to believe he would change . All I could think about was how I grew up without a father and I didn 't want my son to grow up without one . But then I had my sister - in - law telling me that what I was doing was worse . I felt the situation was hopeless . I couldn 't make it on my own , not with my salary , and welfare doesn 't give money to people with credit cards and brand new cars . I would have to sell everything I had and the money that I had in my bank account would be used up fast and then where would I be ? " " If it 's any consolation , Karen , I 've heard and seen worse . My father was a drinker , too . Listen , how about we order a drink to help us get through ? " They both laughed at that . After a sip of the whiskey , Karen continued with her story . She told Casey that they had moved to a new apartment and that her mother - in - law had passed away from cancer . Karen told her that he hadn 't shown his feelings and after the funeral had started coming home later than usual . She went on to say that they had planned to go visit his Dad for Christmas , he lived in another province and they had to travel by plane . All arrangements for the flights and pets had been made and it was an enjoyable Christmas . She told Casey that her husband had gone home first and she and her son followed two days later . Her husband had picked up all the pets and did the grocery shopping before they had arrived . And a month later he had started cheating on her with the young girl who had taken care of their parrot over the Christmas holidays . " I knew something was wrong , but I just couldn 't put my finger on it . He was acting more strangely than usual , lying through his teeth , hiding his paystubs , coming home later in the evening and leaving earlier in the morning . Oh , he had a great knack for disappearing . I started investigating and rummaging through his things . One night while he was sleeping I crawled along the floor and grabbed his cell phone . Now , usually he would have it locked , but this time it wasn 't and I saw everything on the phone . I recognized the number and right away I knew . " " The next night I told my husband that I was going to the bingo . I knew where she worked , it 's how I found her in the first place . So I waited until the store closed and followed her home . I had no idea what I was going to do , but I knew I was going to confront her that was for sure , so when she pulled off the main road , I parked my car and walked the rest of the way . She was just getting out of her car as I was walking up . It was dark . The street was dimly lit and there were no lights on in the house . Once I saw her I couldn 't hold back the rage burning inside me . She didn 't even see me coming . I grabbed her by the back of the hair and dragged her in the nearby bushes and when she tripped and fell down , I kicked her in the face , I kicked her in the stomach , and I never stopped until I knew she couldn 't get up . " " And then I ran through the bushes , found my way back to the car , and sat there , trying to catch my breath . There was no traffic , so I was pretty sure no one had seen anything . I started up the car and drove for an hour , away from there . I stopped at a bar in the next town and had a couple of drinks . On my way back I stopped at MacDonald 's , got a burger and fries , and downed that to disguise the smell of liquor on my breath . When I got home , everyone was asleep . " " Are you kidding , I wasn 't thinking about anything , rage was at play . Of course , if I had been thinking straight , I probably would have just told her off , and threaten to tell her fiancé if she ever saw my husband again . But nothing ever goes as planned does it ? " Karen heaved a big sigh , shook her head , and rolled her eyes at the ridiculousness of it all . " She was cheating on her boyfriend , her fiancé ? What a bitch ! So what happened after that ? Did your husband ever find out about it ? Did he hear from her again ? " " I could tell something was wrong , but he never said anything . I mean what would he say ? He might have suspected that I found out about his little girlfriend , but I don 't think he ever found out about what I did . A few days later I read about her in the paper . She was fine , if you call a broken nose , missing teeth , and a few broken ribs fine . There were no leads and the police were treating it as random act of violence . A few weeks after that he started treating me better , saying he was going to quit drinking and he was going to go to AA . He started coming home early and spending more time with us . But then a few months later things just went to hell again . " Karen started , " I can 't look at him , Casey . He disgusts me . I can 't get past this . I know I should 've just confronted him and kicked his ass out , but I was just so devastated at his betrayal , I got scared that I couldn 't make it on my own , but I was wrong . And I think that my son is old enough to understand now . I know we 'll be just fine . " Casey took a deep breath in . " Well , okay , what would you like me to do , exactly ? " " Like I said yesterday , I just need a few pictures of you and him , I don 't really care if you get him in bed or not , I 'm not asking you to sleep with him , but if you can provide some naked photos of you two together then that 's better . You see , I let him off easy , way too easy , and I don 't want to have it said that the breakup was my fault . " Karen grabbed her purse . " You know how people think . Everyone thinks he is so nice , but nobody knows the hell I have been through . " " He usually gets off work around 2 : 30 pm , so all you have to do is be on the bus . Now , listen , I don 't need updates and I don 't think we have anything else to say to each other . Once I receive the pictures , I will e - transfer the money , and we can go on with our lives . " Karen raised her glass in a toast . " To all the women out there who need women like you , Casey Jameson . " " No Ma ' am , he was found shot in a hotel room not far from his place of employment . I 'm sorry Ma ' am , he 's dead . Ma ' am , you need to come with us . " Karen called her friend Paulie to meet them at the police station , to be with her son while she spoke with the police . Karen told the investigator all she knew of Casey Jameson , since they had the file folder she had given Casey . Casey Jameson 's real name was Carrie Lowe and there was a warrant for her arrest . In the past year she had murdered three men , all under the same circumstances . The investigator told Karen that when Carrie had been a child she had been raped by her father and continued to be raped by him until she stabbed him to death and ran away when she was sixteen . " We know what you were trying to do ; others have done the same thing . But she has such a deep hatred of men that she just ends up killing them . Do you have any idea where she might have gone ? " The investigator did not judge Karen , and she would not be in trouble if she cooperated completely . " I don 't know . I had coffee with her , then lunch the next day , and that was it . She mailed me the photos and I paid her . That was our business . I didn 't know anything about her and she knew little of me , except what I told her about my husband . I only wanted some pictures . " Karen broke down . " Don 't blame yourself , Mrs . Haier ; you had no idea what you were getting yourself into . " The investigator said she could go home , but not to leave town , and be available for an official statement . She took her son and went home . Paulie stayed with them , and helped them through . Karen couldn 't believe what had happened . She blamed herself . Instead of becoming divorced she was now a widow . My son and I were watching the infomercial for the NO ! NO ! one night and when it was over we just looked at each other and laughed . " Yah , right ! " my son piped up . To which I replied , " I know , eh , how stupid do they think we are ? Who 's gonna buy such a thing ? And what about the price ? Really ? Three hundred dollars for that ! " About a year later we were at the mall shopping and guess what ? We went into that store where they sell all the stuff advertised on TV and saw the NO ! NO ! there and after the salesclerk gave us a demonstration we decided to buy it . And , yes , it did cost over three hundred dollars , the price just didn 't go down at all . ( I thought that was a good sign . ) First , remove the cover and snap the Thermicon tip in place . Next , just charge it up and turn it on . You can tell it is on if the Status Screen is showing . Adjust the Treatment Level . Press the button under the status screen to adjust your treatment level . Always begin at the lowest treatment level and work your way up . The Treatment Level icon appears first then automatically switches to the Tip Status icon when you begin to glide . Check the icon to see what information is currently displayed . Glide no ! no ! over your skin at a 90º angle with the roller flat against the skin and the status screen facing you . Glide in one direction in one slow , smooth motion . Glide upwards and towards your body , against the grain of hair growth . Keep the blue light steady . If it flickers , adjust your speed . * The red light will turn on if you are not gliding properly . Simply restart your no ! no ! and let the blue light guide you . After you do that , you have to buff . For a smooth finish , hold the Buffer by the flaps and firmly rub in a circular or back - and - forth motion over the treated area . You use the provided buffer because , the manufacturer says , " without buffing , crystallized hair remains in place , giving your skin a prickly feel . " Okay , so using the no ! no ! was no problem at all . It was very easy to use . The problem was that it wasn 't even cutting , or " burning " any hair whatsoever . Every now and again though I did smell the burning of hair , but not with every stroke . And yes , I was using it properly , the thing just would not " catch " any hair . I used it on my face and neck , on my underarms , and on my legs , and got the same result . This thing they call a Thermicon tip is just a wire , attached to some plastic , that hovers just above the skin , so therefore , it does not and can not give you a " just waxed feeling " as they say on TV . It cannot touch the skin because it gets hot and will burn your skin . When I first used it I used up about an hour of my time ( it would have taken me all of two minutes to shave my legs and underarms in the shower with a razor ) to go over my face , underarms , and legs . You have to go over one stroke at least four times . After using the no ! no ! you are supposed to smooth out the area using this circular piece of sponge with some very fine sand paper glued to it . I still had hair on my legs in most places and stubble in a few places where the thing burned just the tips of the hair . I believe the buffer was buffing away more of the hair on my leg , and there is a product similar to this one that is designed for the face and works like sandpaper to remove the hair . The final step is to moisturize with this special moisturizer , which cost about fifty dollars . Need I say more ? All right , so the no ! no ! didn 't really work as well as they said , but they did say to keep using it for about six weeks to see a result , so I used it 3 - 4 times a week on my face , underarms , and legs . I did not shave with a razor . After about a month , I had to shave my underarms , because I couldn 't stand it any longer ! The no ! no ! did not work at all for my underarms . Then I began to notice that the skin on my face started looking like snake skin . My skin was drying out even though I was using the recommended skin moisturizer . I was even using my regular moisturizers and keeping up with my same skin care regime . So , I stopped using the no ! no ! on my face and within a month my skin returned to normal . I kept using the no ! no ! on my legs once a week for four months then I gave up . It did not work at all . My legs remained hairy throughout that time . At this point I don 't know what I am going to do yet . I will definitely write a letter , but I doubt if I 'll get my money back . Either way consider yourself warned . Don 't waste your hard earned money like I did . Lesson learned . |
I enjoy looking out my window at the birds - I find it both entertaining and relaxing . I feed them and bought them a bird bath , all of which I placed out by the Dogwood tree in the backyard . The one my dad planted . Now the tree creates a little haven for the various birds that visit the yard . Once in a while I have to chase out a neighbor cat . They enjoy the birds too but for a different reason than me . My life has slowed down immensely in the past two years since I retired . Now I get to enjoy things I never would have notice in my past busy schedule of working three jobs and taking a weekend course . I have time to do what I want to do . I like it . My dad , Alvin , died in 2008 after a three year struggle with Myelofibrosis , a disorder of the bone marrow . It affects the red blood cells and people get anemic . It started with him complaining about being tired all the time . I watched my once energetic father struggle to move , lose weight , get infusions ( a type of transfusion ) progressively until he was getting them every couple of weeks . He was a trooper . I remember him carrying the water can from plant to plant outside on hot days . Watering the few plants that managed to survive his slow health decline . He continued to maintain the house with my mother Louise 's help . But then my mom wasn 't doing that great either and she ended up in the hospital with a lung infection , after that they put her on oxygen so when she got back home she had to drag her little tank around everywhere she went . My home , at that time , was in Burbank , CA where I worked in the transportation department of Warner Brother 's Studio . I had been there 19 years and had an opportunity for early retirement after 20 years , since I would be 55 years old . My son , Ryan , was 25 years old , still living at home , between jobs but working part time as an extra in T . V . and movies . We were all suffering through a writer 's strike and the job situation and economy were fast going south . And that 's what happened . One day the thought hit me to ask my son if he would go to Oregon for a year and help out my parents . Before I ran this by mom and dad , I felt I should " try to convince " Ryan how important this was - I knew he would say " no way . " That night when I mentioned it to him . I was surprised when his face brightened , he sat up straighter and actually got excited . He didn 't even need to think about it . Wow . I really didn 't know my son . He was close to his friends and L . A . lifestyle and I never imagined he might want to leave all that . Plus , he would be biting off a lot to take care of ailing grandparents , who he had met maybe six times since he was five years old . The next day my mom told me Social Services wanted to talk to her . They were concerned she wouldn 't be able to take care of herself . They wanted to set an appointment . There was my mom , driving to see my dad every day with her mobile oxygen tank . It was tiring her out , no doubt . She thought they were being helpful but I don 't always trust government agencies and I had heard horror stories of elderly abuse , drugs , setting up guardians , taking their money , selling their home and personal belongings , putting them in a home - you get the picture . I told my mom not to meet with them . I said , " Tell them your grandson 's coming to stay for a while and help out . My parents were so excited and my dad even offered to pay Ryan for his help ( money was always king in my household ) . In two days Ryan had his one - way ticket and was gone to Oregon . Over the next weeks my dad 's health deteriorated . Soon I bought a plane ticket because I felt I needed to be there at his side . I took a week 's vacation and was so grateful I did because my dad died midnight of the morning I was scheduled to fly back home . He was just a few days past his 80th birthday . He had always said he wanted to live to be 80 . I thought , " Be careful what you wish for . " A lot took place in that week before my dad died that brought me to a place of peace with regards to personal issues that I hadn 't faced and held onto all my life . In the end I was left with renewed love and closeness - cherished loving memories of self - sacrifice , knowing I helped my father in his time of need , knowing I made amends . It 's amazing how quickly people can change in the face of hardships and emotional trauma . How viewpoints can shift and minds once hard and set can soften . Hearts can do the same . Mom and Dad I stayed for another week on my bereavement leave from work and reconnected with family and friends . My dad had set up his entire funeral in advance and paid for everything . I can 't put enough emphasis on how important that was to his loved ones left behind to not have to make those kinds of decisions . And we knew everything was as he wanted it . The only things we had to select were the clothes he would wear and the day of the funeral . I had lived away from my family since I was 18 , always anxious to leave , just get away , sometimes angry , and for the first time in my life when I flew back to L . A . I felt like I was not coming home . I wanted and needed to stay in Oregon near my mom and son . That 's where I now belonged . As I watched the brilliant sunset from the plane 's window I cried and thought of the song my dad had selected to be played at his funeral - It was about , somewhere over the sunset , that 's where he would be going . An old song from his era I had never heard . I stared out the plane window toward the sunset knowing he must be there somewhere and aware of me watching . I said goodbye and promised to take care of mother . The next year I called " home " every day . I began wrapping up the loose ends , selling all my belongings on Craigslist , saving my money and getting rid of useless accumulated crap . It felt good and as the process continued I began to feel free and unencumbered . I flew home over Christmas , helped paint the living room , sorted through belongings with mom and knew this was where I belonged . Over that year I helped my mom work with her health issues - she in Oregon me in California . I helped her buy an air filtration system . Had her take out the carpets and put in oak floors . Told her to get rid of dust traps that weren 't helping her lung condition . We spoke of diet and nutrition , not running the furnace but finding another heat source . She was making changes . A person has to have a reason to live , something to look forward to , in order to survive . I wanted my mother to survive . I tried to get her interested in her genealogy again because she had set it aside and it was her favorite past time . Ryan helped her every step of the way and it was an invaluable lesson in responsibility . I was so proud of him . I know many young adults would not do what he did . After we were sure my mom could manage better , she had cut down on the oxygen , Ryan went looking for a job and got the first one he applied for . One day when we were talking on the phone he said , " I 'm not coming back to L . A . I 've discovered my personality is more suited to Oregon . " Hearing that was like a ray of light in my world . I left L . A . July 1 , 2009 to drive to Portland , Oregon with my friend Mark . He had helped me paint my apartment , clean , pack and finally drive there in one day . I was home . I moved back into my old bedroom ( odd ) and for the first time in 30 years I was living in someone else 's home - I had lived here throughout my high school years - but it in no way represented me . It was my mother 's home and I soon found out we lived on opposite ends of the equator when it came to how we did things . But I was ready to step up to the plate . I knew , no matter what lay ahead , I was doing the right thing . Mariah Evans , one of the triplets born to my niece Melanie and her husband Mike Evans in Virginia , turned nine this April along with her brother Ethan and sister Savannah . Mariah was the largest but eventually the weakest of the triplets . Because of a prolapsed umbilical cord during pregnancy and possibly labor , and attorneys belief that there was negligent prenatal care while Melanie was hospitalized , Ethan and Mariah were born with Cerebral Palsy . Melanie said it started " with the fact that I had only one ultrasound for monitoring the entire 4 weeks I was in the hospital in preterm labor and ending with the fact that Savannah was the only one of the three who received oxygen at birth , and she is the only one not affected [ with Cerebral Palsy ] . " Mariah suffered severe symptoms and had more problems than her brother Ethan . In her early days Mariah spent much of her time in the hospital and had several operations . Doctors told Melanie and Mike she would never walk or talk . Her triplet sister Savannah was normal in every way and a bundle of energy . She looked just like her mother did when she was her age . Her brother Ethan who was also born with Palsy could now talk in whole sentences , hold his head up and will possibly walk one day . He 's a very smart little guy with a high IQ and gets around in a motorized wheel chair . Mariah could not hold her head up or move around like her siblings although she is very alert and understands all that is said . The Palsy seemed to affect her muscles most . What is evident is her happy and lovable spirit in spite of her handicaps . Since getting on Facebook my mom and I have come to realize how many people Mariah has touched . When Mariah was around two - years - old the whole family , including my sister - in - law Wilda and her entire family except her oldest daughter Crystal , up and moved to Savannah Tennessee where they bought a twenty acre farm . The property was inexpensive and had a large house , a duplex and a trailer house included . Mike 's parents also moved there from Virginia and they all shared the property . After they got there they built Wilda a three bedroom pre - fabricated house with an attached porch on a section of the property . While there , Mariah always had nurses to help her and she had physical therapy to exercise her muscles daily . Her parents eventually got her a special wheelchair as she got older that helped to hold up her head . She loved her wheelchair as she could now sit up and see what was going on around her . It allowed her to be more involved with the family . From that point she blossomed . Mike and Melanie had two other children before the triplets - Jeremy who is a couple of years older and Andrew who was ten years older . All the children loved Mariah and helped her in any way they could . Savannah , Ethan , Mariah with older brothers Andrew & Jeremy After several years Melanie and Mike decided they wanted to move back to Virginia . They prayed about the move because it would disrupt all their lives as they were quite established now in Tennessee . They had not sold their previous house in Virginia but had rented it out . One day shortly after they had decided they were going to move in October they got a call from their tenants telling them they were moving and would be out on October first . Melanie and Mike hadn 't even told them about their plans so it was obvious to them that God had answered their prayers . Now , moved back into their home in Virginia which they always loved , Melanie had to make new arrangements for the triplet 's care . Melanie 's older brother Scott had come back to Virginia with them and moved into the bungalow on their property . Melanie found out she could get government subsidy for the triplet 's care so she could now pay Scott to help out . Eventually her sister Crystalee , who is a trained caregiver , offered to help also and did so until she had two children of her own . But it has always been a family endeavor based on a strong faith in God . That family also extends out into the community now since Mike sometimes takes the pastor 's place in his absence . Because of this they have many supportive friends from their church . One day I was looking at Facebook , where we can keep in touch with the whole family daily , and Melanie had a short video clip of Mariah walking . We were so excited we had to turn that video on to see what was happening . Soon we saw Mariah taking baby steps with the help of her mom Melanie . We could hear her squeals of delight as she put one foot in front of the other , a big smile on her face , as the rest of the family cheered her on . Mariah looked so determined and proud . Mike held the camera , giving words of encouragement as Melanie moved back and walked Mariah toward the camera again . One of the most moving moments of this brief video was when her sister Savannah briefly appeared on the screen as a blur of excitement pushing Melanie and Mariah back to their starting point so they could walk toward the camera for a third time . You couldn 't see Savannah 's face but you could tell how thrilled she was because of her sister 's accomplishment . So , that made two blessings we experienced that day - the first because we were able to see this at all across all those miles , the second because everyone was so happy to witness what we would never have expected - Mariah walking . In the past we wouldn 't have been able to share this event on the same evening as the rest of the family - Mariah 's miracle brought to us by modern conveniences . Mariah " WALKING " tonight ! ! Please excuse my yelling , but needless to say she made me one proud enthusiastic mommy ! Hahaha ! Thanks for watching ! ( click the link on " Walking " to see it ) My husband , Randy , shook me awake , It must have been 2 : 00 A . M . He was hunched over , holding a hand to his chest . " Wilda , I need to get to the hospital , " he said , gasping . " Can 't breathe . " I helped him up and got him in our van . Randy slumped against the passenger - side door . Fifteen miles to the hospital . Too far , I thought . We 're not going to make it . Send help , Lord . We tore out of the driveway , engine roaring in the still night air . Could Randy hold on ? About a mile down the road , at the bottom of a hill , I saw something in the street . We 're my eyes playing tricks on me ? No , it was real . An ambulance ! I slammed on the brakes , leaped out of the van and ran over to the ambulance , screaming for help . The paramedic and his partner went right to work . " Possible cardiac , " one said . They strapped an oxygen mask onto Randy and started treatment . Then they loaded him onto a stretcher and into the ambulance , unconscious . " Follow us , " one of them told me . The next three days were touch - and - go . I never left Randy 's bedside , praying he 'd wake up and be okay . Finally , he did . " What happened ? " he asked . " No , " I told him . " They received a report of a car crash at that intersection . They even called in to make sure that they were at the right location . They were . And then we came along seconds later . " Fifteen miles on empty roads in the middle of the night . Randy 's heart attack would have been fatal if those paramedics hadn 't been there . I 'd say they were in the perfect location . Back during the last Ice Age ( 12 , 000 to 18 , 000 years ago ) the Missoula Floods , originating in southwest Montana , deposited vast amounts of earthly debris over portions of Idaho , Washington and Oregon - eventually spilling into the Pacific Ocean . Because of these floods , the Willamette Valley in Oregon became one of the most fertile regions in the state . Vineyards sprung up - some 40 , 000 acres of grapes - which now produce some of the finest wines in the French Burgundy style . When the 3 , 000 square mile prehistoric Glacial Lake Missoula flooded , the waters coursed through the Columbia River Gorge at 60 - miles - per - hour carrying huge boulders with it . Eventually the cataclysmic waters receded and what remained were " glacial erratics " stranded where they had come to rest . One such 90 - ton boulder stands atop a hillside in McMinnville , Oregon surrounded by rich farmland and vineyards below . You can hike the 1 / 4 mile paved path year - round up to the site and see the largest glacial erratic found in the Willamette Valley . In fact , the only other place rocks like this have been found are in Canada . Soaking up the sun , taking in the view My mother was raised on this hilltop in Yamhill County , her family moved there in the early 40s when she was 12 , and she used to hike to the Rock throughout her childhood . It hadn 't been " discovered " yet and she knew it only as a cool rock and a good place to hang out ( my slang , not hers ) . I also loved the rock as a child and remember finding it one day when I was at grandpa and grandma 's farm . It was a warm day and I climbed up on it 's sunny surface to daydream . I remember the rock seemed out of place here ( being the only thing like it in the area ) and I thought it was a special find , but I imagined it coming from outer space - like a meteor . After parking along Oldsville Road , there 's an interpretive sign which allows visitors to learn about the rock . Once on top of the hill , there 's a picnic table in case anyone brings a lunch . On a warm day its nice to sit or lie on the rock and soak up the warmth . You will also be rewarded with spectacular vistas - vineyards , orchards , farms and the Oregon coast range . Park along Oldsville Road off of Highway 18 to reach this park . From Oldsville Road , you 'll need to walk up the quarter - mile paved path to the rock itself . The trail becomes steep briefly as you near the rock . There is no fee to use this park . In late April of 2010 I got a call from my sister - in - law Hilda Jones from Kansas . She told me our nephew John Lahmann had died in Nebraska . He was 62 , two years older than my son , and had been ill for some time . Hilda and I spoke occasionally over the next few weeks and John often was a part of these conversations . John Stanley Lahmann 1947 - 2010 His early life was complicated with drugs and drinking . He may have been somewhat of a rebel - arising from the Easy Rider days ( he even had a motorcycle ) . He served in the United States Army right out of high school . Following his discharge he owned and operated Mutha 's Autobody in Wahoo , Nebraska where he specialized in automotive body repair and painting . He married his first wife , Beverly Bohaty in 1968 and they had a son named John . Her family never approved of the marriage , and soon after the baby 's birth , Beverly and the baby were whisked away by her parents . John never really got over this and only saw his son a couple other times before he was two years old . Unfortunately John sold drugs from his business and local complaints and fear of retaliation from police caused him to move to California . Here he married his second wife , Carol Krueger , in 1976 . The marriage only lasted two years . Someone told me he didn 't want children . He may have been worried about losing them , as he had his first son , since this was a very hurtful experience for him . John 's first marriage Somewhere during this time he was involved in a hit and run accident where a pedestrian was killed . He left California and went to Arizona , where his second wife was originally from . The only reason I knew about the accident was I happened to see the article his mother Phyllis had cut out of the newspaper when I was visiting one time . I don 't know what ever became of this situation . Bad luck followed John to Arizona where someone intentionally ran him off the road while he was riding his motorcycle . He skidded down the embankment and hit a telephone pole . The accident left him paralyzed from the waist down . John had started another automotive business in Arizona and his father Henry ( my husband 's older brother ) sold the business and moved John back to Nebraska to live with them . John had to go through therapy and it was a long time recuperating . He had to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair . His parents fixed the house to make it wheelchair accessible and built a pulley system so he could easily move from room to room and in and out of bed . His arms were strong and soon he was driving with a hand control device . After automotive school he decided to open another business in Wahoo . He hired young boys to help him do the jobs he was unable to do because of his condition . One day I saw an article in the newspaper advertising a motorized piece of equipment that allowed paraplegics to stand upright or lie in a reclining position . I sent the article back to John 's mother and he purchased it so he could work on his cars more easily . He could be upright and move around or slide under the cars . Later , Phyllis told me he considered it one of his most important pieces of working equipment . Mutha 's Autobody grew into a thriving business and John was somewhat famous in his home town . He also did all of his own ordering and bookwork . Over the years John had physical problems from continually sitting in the wheelchair . He was thin and had lots of pressure points that created sores . He also had poor circulation and eventually had one of his legs amputated . John 's dad died from heart trouble in 1985 . Years later , in 2007 , John unexpectantly lost his younger sister Maxine . She 'd lived in California and left four children who hardly knew their uncle . Then a year later his mom Phyllis died of cancer in a nursing home . John 's last few years were plagued with infections . Finally , he had to sell his automotive business when he could no longer do the work . Through it all , John was a cheerful , kind man who had made many friends in Wahoo over the years . One day he passed out and someone found him on the floor in his home . Sister Maxine , John , mom Phyllis After that he was hospitalized and then spent months in a nursing home . Doctors never thought he would be well enough to go back home but one day it was decided he could , under a nurse 's daily care . In his last days he found pleasure rolling his wheelchair down the street and getting out of the house for short jaunts . Hilda told me when John was very sick and on oxygen , he mentioned his son that he never saw , and said someday my son will know who I am . On April 30 , 2010 his nurse found him dead of a severe infection from a bed sore that wouldn 't heal . He was buried at Sunrise Cemetery and Military Funeral Honors were conducted by Wahoo American Legion . My interest was fixated on a bridge my grandfather Stephen Jackson helped build in my hometown of Paulding , Ohio . The adventure began when my husband Al and I made a trip across country in the late 70 's or early 80 's to visit friends and relatives in various states and one of our stops was to see my childhood girlfriend , Gladys , in Holgate , Ohio . We reminisced about old times , we hadn 't seen each other since we were nine - years - old , but we had written back and forth over the years . Stephen Jackson The next day we took a road trip with her and her husband Bob . They took us to Defiance , Ohio to the last place where I lived in Ohio . I had been nine at the time my family of seven moved to Oregon so the area had really changed . It had been country and now was developed with houses . The old house had been torn down and someone had built a new home so it looked different , like nothing I remembered . We then went to see the bridge my grandfather had helped to build . Gladys said it was called The Five - Span Bridge . I had known about the bridge from my father talking about it but I never knew its name . The bridge crossed the Auglaize River in northwestern Ohio . When we arrived , we got out of the car and looked at the plaque at the top of the bridge with my grandfather 's name on it . I took a picture with my old box camera but the plaque was far away and it didn 't really show up in the picture . Gladys told me the bridge was going to be torn down and a new one built in its place . I was disappointed because a landmark that my grandfather was somewhat responsible for would be gone . While we were standing there looking at the bridge , an old man in a pickup stopped and called out to us , " It will hold you , never fear . It is well built . " We all started laughing and couldn 't quit . The man drove off and probably thought we were nuts . Five - Span Bridge Many years later I got curious about the bridge and wondered what had happened to the plaque with my grandfather 's name on it . I called several cousins that lived in Michigan but they had forgotten about the bridge . I called Gladys and she told me they had built the new bridge but she didn 't know what happened to the plaque - she was going to inquire about it . I called my cousin Paul , who lived in Finlay , Ohio , and he said he might have a cousin on his mother 's side who knew something about it because he had lived there a long time . I told him it might be in a historical museum and if he found it would he take a picture . He said he would get together with his cousin and find out . Soon , all I was thinking and talking about was the bridge . My daughter and I searched the Internet for five - span bridges in Paulding , OH that crossed the Auglaize River . All we found was information and pictures about the new bridge - no mention of my grandfather 's bridge , except that it had been replaced . We found out the new bridge was on US 127 north of Paulding and that they were doing work on its road . It 's called 637 Bridge 5 - span over the Auglaize River . It was built by Vernon Nagel Construction . Then one day , months later , I got a call from my cousin Paul and he said his cousin had found the plaque at the Paulding County Historical Society and they had gone together to take a picture of it . I had gotten Paul as excited as I was about the bridge . He sent me the picture of the plaque and I sent him a copy of the picture of the bridge I had taken those years ago . I decided the old bridge must have been built between 1908 and 1912 because my grandfather 's obituary said he was county commissioner of Paulding County , Ohio during that time and the plaque that had been at each end of the bridge had my grandfather 's name and that title on it . I also had the information on the plaque to go by and it said the bridge was built by the Oregonia Bridge Company from Lebanon , Ohio . It had the date 1912 above it so that might have been when it was completed . Recently I found an old family picture of a five - span bridge in an envelope amongst all my stacks of genealogy materials . It must have been my grandfather 's picture because it 's from that era and looks like the region . When I found the photo I was thrilled because I felt it was my grandfather 's picture of the bridge he had built . The family had always been really proud of it . Here was a gift after all I had gone through . With a little help from others I solved the mystery of the five - span bridge and the plaque with my grandfather 's name on it . Then in 2010 my daughter Lorita and I drove back east for a family wedding . On the way home we stopped in Ohio and we stayed with my friend Gladys and her husband Bob for a few days . I told them the story about finding the plaques and they drove us out there to see the new bridge . As we stood there on the bank of the Auglaize River and Lorita took a picture I thought how neat it was to bring this story to its completion . We moved into the home where I live in Oak Grove in 1963 . The house was in need of lots of repairs and my husband Al being a handy man went right to work . There was a big hole in the front porch . When the previous owner left they took the kitchen cupboards and the sink with them . I had to wash the dishes in the bath tub until Al and his brother Ray built new cupboards and a new sink in . Al did so many things to fix this house up it 's hard to remember now . He remodeled every room and built on to the bathroom and kitchen . He changed the stairway downstairs into a closet and made a new stairway down to the basement out of a little kitchen nook that wasn 't good for much else . There was a partial basement ( more of a dirt cellar ) and Al dug more than half of it out and made a laundry room , huge bedroom and closet and a large family room . That was a lot of work and it turned out beautifully as he changed everything to suit him and he was a perfectionist so everything had to be just so . He took pride in his work and I had great admiration for all the things he did . He was quite a wonderful person . He remade the front wood porch by pouring a cement slab . He built a small patio off the back door coming from the basement and another patio off the kitchen . There was no foundation on the north side of the house so he had to jack the house up so he could put a new foundation under it . I helped him with that , whew , a lot of work . It was all a labor of love . He did all this work on his time off from his regular job as he worked full time at Publishers Paper Company . It was not an easy job at the mill either as he worked a different shift each week so had to keep adjusting to a new schedule . I know it was difficult for him but he hardly ever complained . He was a good provider . Later he built a fence around the property to keep out the neighbors dogs , as back then dogs roamed free . He put in three gates and paved the driveway back to the garage . He put in a gravel drive on the other side of the house and a carport so we could have a place to park our other car . Later , we put in an electric garage door . It seemed there was always some improvement and Al was up for the job . Sometimes I wondered where he got all of his energy . Besides building and remodeling , Al was a master woodcrafter and had many tools to work on his different projects . He built book cases , closets , lamps , picture frames , file cabinets and even grandfather clocks . He could make anything to order and designed and made up his own patterns many times . Anything he could see he could turn around and create . He had a good sense of humor and liked to build whimsical toys , whirligigs and a variety of windmills . But after a while he got too sick to do much around the house and after he broke both of his ankles ( at different times ) it was difficult to stand for long hours in his workshop . I know he missed being able to make new things and left many projects unfinished . He would get frustrated because he just couldn 't do it like he used to . I love this house and all it means to me because of or shared labors . Every place I look is a reminder of my life with Al . He was so talented and capable and left me with a beautiful home and thousands of wonderful memories . I 'm a traveler on a journey through life . I am who I am partly because of the people and all things and events that came before me . This blog is a collaboration between my mother Louise Lahmann and myself . I am a writer / researcher . She has practiced genealogy for 40 plus years . What I 've come to realize - we are all truly connected . View my complete profile |
Well today was both good and bad . I got up this morning and I was feeling fine and I was ready to go get everything done . The for some reason my stomach started turning and I was laying on the bed in pain . A little bit of pepto and I was fine . I was fine until we got into the truck and Rusty hit the first bump . I don 't know what is wrong , but man I hurt . And let me tell you that moving boxes did not help at all . For once the weather man was right and it rained . On top of the rain it was windy that trucks were pulling over because they could not deal with the rain ! It was an awesome day for moving ! NOT . Anyway we were able to sort through a lot of stuff , and everyone 's piles are now marked . Then we were informed that one of Rusty 's Aunts is being a royal pain . She is demanding to sleep in my mother in laws old room , and she is demanding to go through all of the stuff and take what is " hers " . Well that pissed Rusty off . We will have to make another trip up there on Tuesday to finish sorting , and hope that this Aunt does not go through everyone 's else stuff . Oh the Joy 's of family . I thank God that I am not the only one with a messed up family . 1 . Miserable people are just ; they are miserable and they want to pull you into under their rain cloud . The best way to deal with them is to smile and say something positive . 2 . you can count your friend on one hand . So Rusty and I had to take a load of stuff to the dump and we are sitting there waiting for a spot to open up when I notice this mirror in the back of someone 's truck . I jumped out and went over and asked the people if I could have the mirror since they were just going to throw it away . So they gave it to me . Can you believe that a worker at the dump told us that we were not allowed to do that ! O . K . so you would rather see items go into a land fill instead of being used ? I don 't get it , but I did get a mirror out of the deal . Well we get to spend our new years eve going through more of Rusty 's mothers stuff . On this trip up we will be going through the clothes . Joy is going to keep a few pieces of clothing and then the rest is for Rusty and I to sort through . We have decided to give the everyday clothes to lady we know who has a daughter with c . p . . Then we are going to keep a few nice outfits to just put away for future generation . The rest we are going to take to the women 's shelter . We saw a news paper article a while back and dress clothes was on the list of items that they needed . I am just very glad to see the items go to a good place . I know my mother in law would not mind us doing that . Happy new year to us . We get to drive for two hours just to load up the truck and come back . To top it all off it is suppose to rain . Rusty went out to shoot pool with the guys . I am happy that he has found an out let for his stress . I wish that I could do more for him , but . . . . I know that the last few days have been really slow around here . Pot is still in the safe , Ambers hole is no longer bleeding and it is healing . Nikki is still trying to believe that little boys are nice , and Ryan ? Well he is still in his own little world and does not often stays there . I have no idea what is up with me ! I actually went to bed before mid night . The first dream I had was where I was wrapping Christmas gift in the living room , and then someone broke in our home through our bedroom window . First of all we do not have a window in our bedroom and second of all Rusty would have pulled a gun on him . Anyway back to the dream . Then the guy told Ryan that if he told him where I was that he would not shoot him . That woke me aright up . So anyway , My big idea about cleaning the house was just that an idea . I started to run the vacuum , and then discovered that it finally gave up the ghost . So I had to go buy a new one . By the time I did finally get the house vacuumed Rusty came home with a shelving unit for the garage . So it was off to the garage to start clearing a spot where the shelves were going to go . Well , once I got all of the stuff moved I needed to vacuum out there . One thing lead to another and I ended up cleaning the garage in stead of the house . I had Rusty help me drag all of my material in the house . I started going through it last night and I need to finish sorting it all out . Once I am done with that I am going to put it on the shelves in the garage . We are going to need all the room we can find in the back room to put more boxes from my mother in laws place . I have a lot that I should do today , but nothing that I want to do . I do need to find out what happened to all the " stuff " that use to be in the living room . We put everything in a box when we put up the Christmas decorations , but now we cant find anything ! I think that everything got thrown out . Oh well , less I have to clean ! So Rusty and I have not had a ying yang moment today ! LOL Actually when I got home from shopping he put his arms around me and told me that he missed me . I swear to you that I am married to the most awesome man . I don 't think I mentioned this yet . My dad really liked his Christmas gift . I found this book that he had been looking for , for 15 years ! So on Christmas my mom said that when my dad opened it up he just clung it to his chest . At first she could not tell if he was having a heart attack or just happy . He was just happy . Rusty also talked to my dad on Christmas and he made the comment that my dad does not sound good . Well he is very slowly being eaten away be cancer anbd infections , so how is he suppose to sound ? At least he not on oxygen and drugs through an i . v . any more . Any way , Rusty asked me if I wanted to go home and visit my dad . I told Rusty not right now , because it is just not a good time . One thing I have learned with helping Rusty is that I now know what to do . Let me explain . I know how to get a dd214 , where to take the form . what the government will and will not pay for . Well I need to go make dinner . I am trying to use up all of the stuff in out freezer before we go shopping again . So for the next few nights our dinners will be a little bit strange . Tonight I am frying up one cube steak , some hash browns , I rolled some hotdogs in a crescent rolls . If you have not tried the hot dogs in a crescent roll you have to try them ! They are good and children love them ! Just as a side note that I thought of . On the subject of helping people . Can you imagine how many people who could all help if we just did one nice thing everyday for someone that we do not even know ? Any way that is just something to think about . So . . . hmm how do I start ? O . K . here it goes . Rusty is so different from me ! Today I told him that he was definitely my ying ! Rusty can not understand why I want to finish pulling up the carpet in our sink area ? Well maybe because I hate the carpet ? The asked Rusty to go buy me some sealer for the cement . Well that went over like a ton of bricks ! Then I asked him to go buy some purple metallic paint so that I could finish painting the bird cage . Well you guessed the answer to that . NO ! So my vacuum finally gave up today . I swear to you that I go thro more vacuums than any women I know . I must get a new vacuum every year . Anyway , Rusty comes home and I am using the shop vac . to clean the carpets . Once again he gave me the dear in the head lights look . Well what was I suppose to use ? If he would let me get rid of all the carpet we would not have this issue . I am going to spend the night sewing some simple quilts . We know a lady who said that he church could really use some baby blankets . Well I can sew that ! I love doing nice things for other people . It really makes me feel good . I must say that 99 % of the time I never see the end results of my kindness , but that is o . k . Today I must say that I am so glad that Rusty and I are so different . I keep him wondering and he keeps me grounded ? Well as much as he can . Man did sleep good last night ! So now I am bright eyed and bushy tailed . So what should I do first ? Put away the china ? Do laundry ? sweep and mop ? LOL So much energy , but non of this sounds good to me . I want to do something fun ! I would like to know who took our sunshine . It was so cold and nasty here today . My gosh it did not get above 60 degrees all day . I live in southern California and I want my warm weather and sunshine ! LOL Rusty has to go to the doctors in the morning . This appointment is for his shoulder . He threw it out when he had his heart attack and it has not worked the same since . There really was not to much that they could do for because he was on blood thinners . So now that he is off the blood thinners the have to try to figure the best to do about it . Ryan looks so cool in his marine outfit . Ryan said that the chicks will dig him because he is so handsome . Well . . . o . k . that is true . Nikki has been lost her room most of the day . Between setting up the computer and loading all of the sim 's she has not had much time for anything else . Some how she did find time to watch a video on her personal dvd player . Nikki was so shocked that we got her a new computer . Rusty and I talked about it , and she has worked really hard this year so she deserves it . Amber got everything tinkerbell ! I swear Amber really think that she is tinkerbell . Amber is so happy t she got a new stereo that has a remote . So now she can sit across the room and work the stereo without leaving the computer . I swear she is so lazy . Amber also got her lettermen coat . I am so proud of the way that Amber has turned her life around ! I am so proud that she will be lettering in something . Rusty had an awesome Christmas . He loved the bike that my parents bought him . I have video of Rusty opening his quilt . I thought he was going to cry . I am so glad that he loved the quilt . I sewed the quilt with a lot of love and let me tell you that it is so hard to sew for someone that is home 24 / 7 ! Rusty also got some videos , a new watch , and his nice sit down dinner . I am so glad that Rusty had an awesome Christmas . Rusty has had a bad year , between his heart attacks and having to make the arrangements for his mother ; he really needed something positive . I am just glad that my shoulders are big enough for him to lean on because no one else has really been there for him . oh sure friend have called or stopped by , but . . . . . well I am just glad that Rusty can lean on me . As for me . Lets see . . . I got a new dragon fly pin and some dragon fly earrings . Some new p . j . 's and some new quilting supplies . I finally got a copy of the sound of music ! That is my all time favorite movie . Rusty tried out his new bike today . He was able to ride about a 1 / 4 of a mile . I kept telling Rusty to take it slow , but he would not listen to me . I know that it is going to take Rusty time to work up to a full blow work out . I know that Rusty thinks he is just fine , but I still worry and I worry a lot . So today some of our friends stopped by today . One of the asked me if I heard what our frien Linda did ? I was like what are you talking about ? It seems that Linda has given up her family and just walked away . She is living with some guy who lives up the mountains . I thought good for her ! Linda played by all of the rules . Got married in white and could really wear white . Raised 3 boys , hell she even home schooled them . She tought quilting , and did what ever her husband asked . Even when her family shit on her she just stayed positive . I guess she had finally had enough . I give her credit for staying as long as she did . Who am I to judge ? Well santa just left . For the girls he left personal dvd players , and for Ryan he left a touch screen computer . He even stuffed all of the stockings ! I forgot to mention this . Our friend Tony is in Italy , and this year he played santa . He said that he did fine until a little asked santa to bring her dad home from Iraq ! Poor girl . Then Rusty came home and joined in on the games . Rusty ended up chasing Amber down the hall and out the front door . So Rusty locked the door and walked away . About 10 minutes later Rusty comes into the bedroom and starts grabbing first aid stuff . It seems that When amber fell on the light house the sharp pointy part went into her leg and she was REALLY hurt . Amber was on the living room floor screaming and bleed ing all over the floor and I just walked away . Well everything is ready for Santa to come tonight . I even have a lot of stuff done for tomorrow . The green beans are snapped , the pineapple is cut up , and the chocolate chip muffins for breakfast are done . Rusty is going to cut the ham up later and that will be one less thing that I will have to do on Christmas day . As part of Rusty 's Christmas gift this year I broke out his grandfathers china so that we can have " the formal dinner that Rusty has wanted " . Let me tell you that is a pain in the ass ! Dig through all of the china and find what we need . then we have to wash it all by hand . Lets not forget the water and wine goblets , and the cloth napkins . All in all I guess I can suck it up for one day to give Rusty something that he has never had . A true no shit sit down formal dinner . So today I got up and got busy . Can you believe that I found wedge wood ? and spode ? I had no idea of the value until I looked it up on the Internet . So we set everything of value a side and we are going to take it to some dealers . We are not looking at real big buck , but we will make a little bit of money off of the stuff . Hell if we can just get back all of the money we spent on gas , u hauls and the storage unit I would be happy . When I die I am leaving NOTHING for our family to sort through . I do not want our children to have to choose what to keep and what to get rid of . I would just rather get rid of all of it and sleep on the floor . Well we finally got the direct t . v . hooked up in our room . It is so nice to go there and escape ! I just love sitting in there with my knitting ! While we were cleaning out some of my mother in law 's stuff her friend gave me some socks . She said that my mother in law had bought them for me for Christmas . Well the other day I opened them up and they are so nice . Now I know that they are are just socks , but these socks are so comfy ! I told Rusty that I am going to order some more of them . I checked out the web sight and the sights motto is " life is to short for matching socks ! " We have been debating about what to do with a lot of my mother in laws stuff . I think that I am going to have a yard sale with all of the little items and put the profit towards the girls trip . Then what ever is left I will take to the good will . Last week I was talking with a friend , and she said that since they adopted a baby she not gotten anything new for herself . This is not a huge deal for her , but she said that she would like to go buy herself something pretty . So I sat down and knitted her a scarf . Today I took that and a necklace up to her work . She was so shocked . I whispered in her ear that mom 's need pretty stuff too ! She just laughed . The lady called me today and I went and met her . She was so sweet and she kept saying that she was sorry that it took her so long to get the items to me . Her mother had a brain tumor removed and then she had a stroke , and with Christmas . . . . That was when I stopped her . I told her what has been going on with us . I am finally making headway on cleaning up the house . I keep telling myself that I need to get this done before more of my mother in laws stuff shows up in our already crowed house . Today I went through our bedroom and just cleaned like there was no tomorrow . I even cleaned out my clothes and shoes ! I guess I needed an excuse to do that . Well the girls will not be going to Africa , instead they are going to Nicaragua ! Rusty and I are so excited for them ! The trip is going to cost us about $ 3 , 000 for both of the girls . That will include everything except passports , and shots . All of the girls who are going on the trip will be hitting the thrift stores to buy some clothes . The girls must dress in the same style as the girls down there are . No belly shirts and no really short shorts . They will be wearing skirts and dresses . Then I was told that when they leave to come home that the girls will all of their clothes for there for the people . I think that is so cool . Well after the first of the year I will need to get back to work , so I can make the money to send the girls . We can afford to do this , but I don 't want to take the money out of the budget . Rusty and I bought a t . v . with a dvd player built in . The other night I was just so worn out and I told Rusty that all I wanted to do was crawl into bed with a cup of chai tea and watch some t . v . So we now have a t . v . in our room . Today is Rusty 's birthday and he is 38 years young ! We went out to lunch with some of our friend 's and then we just hung out with them for a little bit . While we were gone the children made Rusty a ginger bread house for his birthday . He was so shocked ! Life is so good ! Yesterday I was just so over whelmed by everything that still has to be done . So I broke it all down into small task and now I am almost done with everything . I am going to make some more candy today . Yesterday I made root beer and fire . So Now I am trying to figure out what flavor to make today . Well , I wrapped all of the gifts last night . I was worried that Ryan would not have as much as the girls did and it turns out that I was wrong . It was Amber who does not have enough to open ! I try to give them the same number of gifts , but . . . . . . oh well Kevin was so great yesterday . He took Nikki and Ryan out to see a movie . I was able to finish Rustys quilt , so now all I have to do is tie it off ! I have put so much time into this quilt and I hope that he really likes it . We have gone through all of my mothers in law Christmas stuff . So the rest we are going to let some other people go through and then we are going to give it to good will . I am just amazed at how much crap my mother in law had . Oh well on to a better subject . I am getting really excited about Christmas . Today I am going to tie off Rusty 's quilt and make some candy ! I have not made candy in a few years so I figured that I would do it this year . I must admit that I feel very over whelm this year . Our house is a mess and to top it all off we have my mother in laws stuff in our back room . I just feel like the walls are closing in on me . Well I should get off my butt and start cleaning . I will talk to everyone later . We mainly went through the stuff in the garage and just loaded up Rusty 's truck with a lot of crates . When we got back here we went through most of them . We ended up getting mostly Christmas stuff and some with pictures in them . Anyway . we only saved a few Christmas and the rest is going to good will . Rusty had a good day . Rusty was able to laugh a little and I even saw him smile once or twice today . So for me that is great news . I can 't stand seeing Rusty so hurt . I gave Kevin the quilt that I made him for Christmas . He really liked and I am so happy . I told him to take it to Iraq and that if the quilt does not make it back then I will just have to make him another one . I found out today that our friend Ray did not get selected for first sgt . So I guess we will be going to his retirement ceremony . Ray really wanted to stay in , because he truly loves leading marines , but . . . . . well . . . . . . . . oh I don 't know . I feel for him . I know how hard it is to have to give up something that you love doing . Last night we delivered Christmas to family . Now I had never met this family before I was just told that they had nothing . I talked to the mom on the phone several times and found out what the children would like for Christmas . This gal is a single mom of four who does not get wel fare because she wants to do everything for her children . So I bought them some air mattress , blankets and some pillows . Then I got each of the children 2 gifts . Then when I asked the mom if they had a tree , she told me that they have nothing . So we got them a fake tree , so ornaments and some lights . I also got the mom a few gifts . Well , last night when we went by the mom was still in L . A . at a job interview , so I knocked on the door and asked the children if they needed some holiday cheer . The children smiled and said yes . So I told them to come outside . It was there that they saw Rusty unloading the car . The smiles that we saw from the children was so priceless . They just knew that there would be no Christmas this year and . . . . . . . . Well it was just a good thing for us to do . When the mom said that they had nothing she meant that they had nothing . There was no furniture in the living room . In the dining room there was a small t . v . sitting on a t . v . tray and that was it . I just cried once we got in the car to leave . We are so blessed . Yesterday Rusty took the day off from dealing with everything . So today we need to get back to sorting out a few things , and trying to get a hold of a copy of her dd214 . We have a lot left to do , and it is just so hard to handle everything right before Christmas . Yesterday went o . k . for us . We had to go make a few arrangements . There was no life insurance , so . . . . well we are making it . It seems that Joy must pay to ship everything that was left to all the relatives . Well that is getting expensive and she is now wondering how she is going to do it all . Sounds like her problem . Leslie left me her car . So Rusty and I are going to park it and then let Amber drive it when she is able to . I found out yesterday that Kevin will not be spending Christmas with us . He has to take leave before he leaves for Iraq , so he is going to go home . I am going to miss him , however I totally understand . Today started out real good . I took Rascle to the beauty shop and I even found her a new coat and a bone . I have not given her the bone yet since it is not Christmas . Yes for anyone who does not know Rascle is our dog . What I have not told anyone is that we adopted two families this year for Christmas . Well tonight the girls and I were wrapping the presents for the one of the families . After all of that was done Rusty and I were going to go get our own Christmas tree and let the children decorate it . The phone rang , so Rusty answered it . Then Rusty started screaming , and he threw the phone . I picked the phone up and found a nurse on the other end telling Rusty that his mom had just died . We went up to the hospital and talked to the doctors . Rusty 's mom went in for a regular surgery , and a blood clot broke loose and killed her . We were able to view the body . I have never really seen a dead person . I have been to funerals , but the bodies always look good . Leslie was white and blue , her eyes were still open a little and her mouth was open . Rusty just knelt down next to her and closed her eyes and started to cry . What was I to do ? I just leaned over him and hugged him . What am I suppose to say ? Both of my parents are still a live . Both of his are dead . Rusty did get a hold of his brother in England , but we don 't think that he will be coming back here . So I guess Rusty is on his own . I will be there for him , but all of this is on Rusty now . I am worried about Rusty . Rusty just got his blood pressure medicine lowered and I hope that this does not put to much stress on him . The doctors say that his heart is strong , but I still don 't want Rusty under any stress . I have decided not to take any of the children to funeral . I feel that it would be to much for them and I don 't want them to remember December as a bad month , but rather a time to celebrate . our friend Kevin said that he would come up at a moment 's notice , so I am going to ask him to stay with the children on the day of the funeral . Ray and one of his buddies are going to come up here and get all of the stuff that we had bought for this military family . I so wanted to have it all wrapped , and we were going to deliver all of the stuff on Saturday . Ray told me not worry about it . He said that he will buy all the wrapping paper and get all of his female marines together and they will wrap and deliver Christmas to the family for us . The other family we are going to have to find the time . This family has NOTHING , not even bed 's . So we had gone out and bought them some air mattress , and bedding . We bought the children some toys , we got them a tree and all of the trimmings . We even stuffed stockings for them ! We really wanted to spread some holiday cheer this year . I need to get some sleep . I know that I have a long week ahead of me . I need to find something to say to Rusty . All I keep saying is lean on me because my shoulders are strong . Well we finally got a response from the V . A . They have decided that Rusty is 100 % disabled ! It took them long enough . LOL I am just so glad that we finally got an answer . After all Rusty had high blood pressure for 5 years while on active duty and they did nothing about it . Uncontrolled high blood preasure is the leading cause of heart attacks . Three cheers for Rusty . I found out yesterday that our friend Kevin is leaving for Iraq sooner then he thought . I am so sad for him . I will miss him so much . I just pray for his safe return . Rusty does not understand my sorrow because he says " Kevin is a marine and marines go to war . That is their job " Well that does not make me feel any better ! As of today I will be unemployed . This does not break Rusty 's heart at all . I on the other hand I kinda liked working , and having some extra change . Petitions should start up after the first of the year , so there will be work again after the holiday 's . Last night at work I was calling on voter cards . If someone is born outside of the United States we must ask them again if they are citizen 's . Well last night I called a couple that was born in Iraq . When I asked them if they were citizen 's the gentlemen said " Yes we are u . s . citizens ! We are very proud to be here and to be an American " . HMMM . . . . I wonder why more people who were born here don 't feel that way ? The other day I went to the vet 's office that took in the kitten I found . They said that the kitten is doing great ! I am so happy to hear that . I did not think that it was going to make it . I need to stop by another day because the lady that has the kitten was not working . I also made up some pet quilts for the vet 's office . The ladies were so jazzed just looking at the quilts . Did I ever mention that I make quilts for pets / I save up all of my scrap material and my scrap batting and that is what I use . Sometimes I take them to the animal shelter , and sometimes I give them to my friend who works at a vets office . I guess it is just a little way to give back . Well it is late and I just got home from work . So I thought that I would check my e mail . One of my friends sent me this e mail and thought that you guys might find it funny . The other day I went against what I said about not taking Ryan anywhere . Nikki had asked me to make a quilt for someone , so I was just going to run to wal mart . While we were there Ryan told the lady that was cutting the material that " My dad takes me to casinos " . I was so floored ! Rusty was just as shocked . So yesterday I had a lot of stuff to do and so did Rusty , but Rusty took Ryan with him . No shock to me Ryan was perfect for Rusty . Oh well . I have to work tonight . But before I can go to work I have to go get a few more signitures , so that I can do a turn in . Well crap , I just called the hot line and the petition that I have been working on is ending ! This sucks ! I was really hoping to be able to make some more money before Christmas . I guess not . Rusty got a call yesterday that the post had been raided and was being shut down . So he went down there to find out what was going on . It turns out that the A . T . F . ( alchol , tabacco , and firearms ) was there to raid the place . It turns out that the slot machines were illegal . Well duh ! gambling is regulated in California ! Anyway , the slots were taken and all of the books were gone over with a fine tooth comb . I got a phone call from Nikki 's school yesterday . It seem 's that she has made honor roll again . I am so proud at how well Nikki has been doing . Years ago when I was in high school I had the oppertunity to travel through Europe . I had a blast and I got to see things that I will never see again . I saw the wall when Germany had and east and west . I saw countries that do not even exesit anymore . I even got to see the house where the sound of music was filmed . It was the time of my life . I said that when I had children that I want them to take advantage of any opportunity to travel . Now they have the opportunity to go to Africa . I told the girls that we would go to the meeting about the trip . The girls will be going with the youth group from church . I so want them to go ! I am willing to work my ass off to get them there . What an opportunity ! I must admit that one hand I am jazzed for them , but on the other hand I am sad . Sad because Africa was on my list of things to see before I die , and my children will see it before I do ! We are back to coning the ears again . The doctor said there is still a lot of wax in the ear . I am just in shock at how much stuff has been crammed into one ear drum . Oh well , at least he is hearing again . I did go out and work for a little bit today . It felt good to get out and work . I should be ashamed of myself for wanting to work and to get out of the house . . . . . Well the last few weeks have just proved to me that I need to take a break from being a house wife and that I need to do something else . Well , Rusty is off to the doctors . I do hope that all goes well for him . I am so amazed at how much he has recovered already , but I am really hoping that the doctor says that he can start with some exercise . Rusty said to me the day that his jeans are getting tight and he so wants to be able to exercise because he does not want to buy bigger clothes . I do blame him . Well I am off to get some stuff done around here , and then when Rusty gets home I am going to go chase some signatures . Oh I realized this first thing this morning . Once again by standing by my morals I am loosing out . My boss asked me if I wanted to come over and work this morning . i said " let me go to my happy place for a minute . No I cant work at your house and be around Lisa " That 's Right the person who gave me speed is still living at my bosses house . She cant work in the office , but he is not wiling to give up a free piece of ass . So , I am loosing hours because I refuse to be around people who use drugs . Oh well signatures pay more . I now know that I am defenitly on the wrong side my job . Tonight my boss was writing checks for over $ 1000 to just about everyone ! There is a bonus going on , so people are really cashing in . I swear I am going to go get some signitures . I wont hit the bonus , but heck a little extra before Christmas wont hurt ! Well it happened today . I was at wal mart with Sara and there I was alone in the aisle Sara and HAZEL ! Can you believe it ? I had the chance to kick the ever loving shit out of her and really put her pace maker to the test . But I just acted like I did not see her and I kept walking . So what does that say about me ? I am a wimp ? I am better then she is ? I think that I just cant give negative people any more of my energy . Several years ago we were on welfare , and around Christmas we got to fill out this form as to what our children would like for Christmas . This was the year that Amber was i love with madaline . My mother and I looked everywhere for Madline stuff and we could not find it . So I put on Ambers card that she would like a madaline doll . Nikki got a lot of gifts from the person that pulled her name off the angel tree . Amber only got one gift , but inside the box was a madaline doll ! I just cried . Amber got her Christmas wish . I just finished wrapping the gifts for the little girls that I pulled off the angel tree . I hope that on Christmas her parents have the same joy that I had . I hope . Well Rusty had a bad night last night . He was yelling in his sleep and then he punched me in the arm ! It still hurts . I usually wake him up when he starts yelling but for some reason I did not wake him up last night . Anyway , I am going to go shopping with my friend Sara today . Both of us adopted a child off the tree at wal mart , we have to finish up with some of the little gifts and then get them turned in . I hope the little girl that I adopted has an awesome Christmas . Rusty has to go get blood drawn first thing in the morning because he has a doctors appointment on Monday . We are hoping for nothing but good news . Rusty will have had his heart attack 5 months almost to the day . We are really hoping that the doctor will release him to start doing anything ! Rusty really wants top start working out again . I know that once he does start working out again that it is going to be very slow going , however everyone has to start somewhere . As I was walking out the door to go to work the mail man handed me a package from a friend back east . It was a black persons nativity scene . I have been looking for one for a long time and I am so glad to finally have one ! LOL For those of you who don 't know I collect nativity scenes . However my family thinks that I have to many . I think we just need a bigger house . Amber had a dance competition tonight , and Rusty said that she did awesome . ( I was at work ) I could not believe that Rusty forgot to take the video camera ! Oh well so goes life . Jacinda called me last night , and she is having a boy ! Jacinda has been very sick and she was told that the baby is very small . I am just hoping and praying that both Jacinda and the baby will come through this just fine . If something happened to either of them Jason would lose it . I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go ! |
Leave a reply Bumpy and Hush had been close friends since High School . They were sort of outcasts to the rest of the school because of their appearance , so they gradually transitioned into loners . Bumpy got his name because of the inexorable amount of acne that was plastered on both of his cheeks and his forehead . It was a bizarre sight to look at , and you were bound to lose your appetite if he sat near you at the lunch table . Hush was a step up from him appearance wise , though . He had Alopecia Areata , and because of that , he wasn 't able to grow any facial hair . The spot where his eyebrows were meant to be were completely bald , and he didn 't have an ounce of hair above his lip like most of the other boys in our grade . But that wasn 't it ; the reason everybody called him , " Hush , " was because he wasn 't able to bring his voice above a whisper . Nobody why he spoke with such a low volume and as far as we could tell , it wasn 't due to another medical condition . It was just that he hated talking too loud . I watched them from a distance , and they always kept to themselves and accepted the fact that they were outcasts . In my opinion , between the two of them , Bumpy had the hardest time with it . He was much more of an extrovert than his counterpart , but Hush ? He had no complaints about it at all . It fit his demeanor entirely . Quiet . Sneaky . Always thinking . I would 've given a week 's worth of lunch food to know what was going through his mind , but by the way he looked at everyone , it didn 't seem like it was anything that could 've been spoken out loud . His glare , the way his cheekbones gyrated whenever somebody disrespected him . He just had an eerie vibe about him ; a reclusive personality mixed with a short temper and that was never a good combination . It was blatantly clear that he was headed for a life of crime . Sometimes , that life has a way of choosing you , no matter what your will is . I glanced down at the murder scene ; one man was beaten senseless to the point that he was hardly recognizable . His face was smashed in and bloodied ; cheekbones were broken as well as every other bone that would have kept his countenance in place . His fingers were chopped off , making it much more challenging to identify the victim . This was all at the hands of Hush , and I knew it , even though there was no evidence pointing to him , I knew his calling card . Once he wanted to get rid of you , his aim was to get rid of you and make it seem as if you never existed . That way , whenever we were fortunate enough to find a body , there was nearly no way to identify who he was for sure . He even went as far as knocking each and every last one of his victim 's teeth out to keep us from checking it against dental records . I took a puff of my cigarette and blew the smoke into the night air . It fluttered around us like a cloud before it disappeared , " Yeah . No doubt about it . " " Sheesh . This is the third body we have found like this in the past two weeks . I 'll tell you what , we better find something here , or else , heads in the department will start rolling . After that , it will be better if one of us are one of these dead men that are popping up around the city . " He tapped me on my shoulder and then stood up to walk back towards the other police officers . I blew another cloud of smoke into the air as I looked up to the sky . Damnit , Hush - I said to myself - what are you up to now ? I hope you all have been enjoying the short stories that I have been posting . I started out doing them once a week , but as my Ghostwriting career took off , I began to find it more difficult to continue writing weekly stories in addition to the other contracts that I picked up . However , another project that has taken up a lot of my time is my upcoming novel , " Strange Fruit in the Concrete Jungle . " Oh , you didn 't know that I was writing a novel ? Well , let me fill you in on the plot ! Ehhis is young man who moves from a small , racist town in Idlewild , Texas to Harlem , NY in 1921 . He has aspirations of presenting an unheard of form of art to the citizens of Harlem , Spoken - Word . But his dreams of becoming an entertainer are quickly interrupted when he witnesses a murder within the first few months of his move to Harlem . Against the advice of one of his good friends , he speaks to the police and is prepared to testify in court . If he testifies against the killer , it will expose a string of corrupt cops and city officials and their ties to a viscous , black crime mob terrorizing Harlem . The powers that be are not prepared to let that happen so they seek to handle it the best way they can ; eliminate Ehhis . Not knowing who to trust and where to go , Ehhis becomes a target of one of the most dangerous crime families in Harlem as he stubbornly continues pursuing his dreams as an entertainer . In a narrative that captures the essence of 1920 's Harlem with breathtaking descriptions and painstaking imagery of the Renaissance , it will make you feel as if you are right there with the characters . Journey with Ehhis through his triumphs and downfalls in this epic story of ambition and determination . It will leave you speechless and inspire you to always keep going , no matter what is ahead of you . There are a couple of snippets of the book inside of this blog and if you want to check them out , just look for the book the cover when you scroll through my blog posts . I have enjoyed every moment of this process , from starting out in three notebooks ( Yes , I wrote the ENTIRE first draft of the novel by hand and it is over 111k words ) , transferring it to the computer , creating in - depth characters and studying the time period so I would be sure to have everything close to how it really was in the 1920 's . I have even written a movie script to go along with the novel ! I have put a lot of time and effort into this project and I am thoroughly excited about its release ! I am currently on my third edit of the book and it is going well , but I am reaching the point that I realize I cannot do it all on my own . Check out the page and see what is going on with this ground - breaking novel that captures the essence of the renaissance ! Thank you in advance ! Peace . She let out a scream that would 've shaken the graves of those who passed away . It was her first child , and she didn 't know what to expect . When the doctor came in with a needle the size of her finger , she waved it off , " You have to stick that in my back ? No , I 'll pass . " The epidural would 've saved her from a multitude of pain , but she wasn 't privy to it . As a matter of fact , she rarely saw the doctor throughout the pregnancy so it was a tossup as to whether or not the child would be born without any difficulties . Her mother passed away when she was five , and it left her father to raise her on his own . At the time , he was twenty - three , and he was so caught up in his own life that he didn 't make time for her . Luckily , she had a grandmother who was older but still willing to take custody of Monica to keep her from going into the foster care system . She had seen first - hand the effects that could have on a child , so she did what she had to do . Her name was Janice Carter , and she was her father 's mother , but Monica only knew her as Mama . In the hospital room , the nurse stood beside her and held her hand as she used a towel to wipe the sweat from her forehead . " You 're doing great , Monica . Just keep going . " She coached her from the side and as a two - time mother herself , she knew the pain the Monica was going through and did her best to ease it all . Trey , the child 's father , stormed out in an unbelievable rage the day he found out Monica was pregnant . The scene wasn 't how she expected it to go at all . She walked to the couch as he sat , watching Sunday football with a burger in his hand that she just prepared for him . They were both nineteen years old , and Janice passed away two years before , but she left her the house that she paid for before she died . Janice was living in a three bedroom house with no mortgage , and the only thing she had to pay for was the monthly bills , something she could manage as a cashier in a department store . " Do you like the burger ? " Trey didn 't turn to look at her when he answered , " Yeah , it 's straight . " The announcer on the television spoke up as the play just began . Monica reached into her pocket and pulled out two pictures to place them on the table . After a few moments , she realized that Trey wasn 't going to look at them from there , so she picked them up and set them on his lap . He stopped in mid - chew and glanced down at them , speaking will a full mouth . His voice was muffled , " What is this ? " She was nervous because she didn 't know how he would take it but she knew the truth had to come out eventually , " These are sonograms . We 're um ; we 're gonna have a baby . " She had been dating Trey for almost a year and even though it was off - and - on , it was still the most consistent relationship either of them had . Monica smiled at him as she waited for a response and suddenly , she got it . Trey smacked the small photos off his lap as they fluttered to the ground , " Pregnant ? ! Nah , I … I don 't know why you 're tellin ' me that . You know I pull out every time we don 't use a condom . " She exhaled , hoping that it didn 't go this way , but she knew it was a slim chance that it wouldn 't . She sat back on the couch as seclusion saturated her facial expression . He slammed the plate down on the table , nearly shattering it as the top bun of his burger flew onto the floor . " Nah , nah , I know that ain 't mine . You 've been cheatin on me , Monica , huh ? You 've been messin ' around with somebody else , and since they got you pregnant , you 're tryin to pass it off as mine ? " " Whatever , Monica ! You can tell me anything you want to ! Oh , I guess the dude I saw you at the grocery store with ain 't nobody , huh ? Go and tell him that you 're pregnant ! " " Whatever ! Look , I ain 't stayin ' here for this ! I ' ma let you go and find the real father of that baby and tell him the news because it ain 't mine ! " He looked down at the sonograms that laid spread out on the floor and when he reached down to grab one , he ripped it into pieces and flung them into the air like confetti . " And don 't call me until you get all this situated ! I 'm done ! For real ! " He stormed out of the house and slammed the door behind him , the vibration knocked pictures off the wall as Monica buried her head into the couch and cried out loud . It was an acute pain that she hadn 't felt before , the precise stabbing of small needles into her heart as she was on the verge of hyperventilating . Suddenly , she felt a cool and calm spirit around her . " It 's gonna be alright , Monica , " the voice said as she looked up with teary , reddened eyes . She calmed her breathing and sat up as she looked to the floor to grab the two pictures that were still intact . On the back of them , she wrote , " Monica and Trey 's baby , " and placed them on her table . The truth was the truth , no matter what Trey said . Inside the hospital , she pushed again but this time , the baby was fully out as the doctor suctioned the fluids out of his mouth and patted him on the back until his first cries came out . " There we are , theeere we are little boy , you 're fine , you 're fine , " the doctor said as he passed him to the nurses to they could quickly clean him up . Monica was out of breath and suddenly , the pain she had seconds ago seemed to all be worth it once she realized her baby boy had come out unharmed . " Can I … can I see him ? " she asked , still trying to recollect herself . " Of course ! They are just cleaning him and then they will bring him right to you . " They walked over with her baby boy and placed him in her arms as tears rolled down her face . The nurse that was by her side continued to coach her , " Just hold him close to your skin for a while so his body temperature can regulate . Yes , that 's it , right by your bosom . " Monica held him close and kissed him on the cheek as he relaxed , his eyes moving around aimlessly like he knew he was no longer in the comfort of the womb . " Do you have a name for him ? " the nurse asked as she admired them . " Yes . His name is Allen . Allen Travelle Taylor . " From that day , she always held him close to her and when Trey came to visit his son in the hospital , Monica rolled her eyes at him . He hadn 't contacted her at all for the entire length of the pregnancy , but Monica didn 't want her son to grow up without her father around , so for his sake , she told Trey what hospital she was in . When he came in , his hair had grown out and was on the verge of locking up . His pants sagged just below his waist , and he had all types of jewelry hanging from his neck and around his wrists . During the last nine months , Monica had gotten word that Trey started selling drugs to make extra money . He walked over to look at his baby boy , but honestly , he wasn 't interested in him , and he still hadn 't accepted the fact that he belonged to him . He stuck his finger inside the incubator and smiled at Allen , but quickly left his side and stood by Monica . He reached out for her hand , but she snatched it away , " What do you want , Trey ? I thought you were here to see the baby . " He smiled arrogantly , " Yeah , I did come for that , but I came for you , too . I miss you . I miss what we had . " She sucked her teeth , " Trey , get out of here with that , for real . You dissed me nine months ago and after all the morning sicknesses , the cravings , and everything else I had to go through BY MYSELF , you wanna come back around ? Nah , I 'm not goin ' there with you . There is your son . He is the only reason we will ever need to communicate with each other . " He reached out for her hand , His nostrils flared , the same look he had when she told him that she was pregnant and with that , he left the room without once looking at his son . Monica refused to let tears fall from her eyes over him as Allen moved around in his incubator . He deserved more than what Trey was going to give him , and Monica knew it but for now , she was only focused on raising her son to the best of her ability . The two of them yelled back and forth from the kitchen to the front room until Monica sighed and got up , " If I come in there and grab that ketchup , I promise I am going to pop you upside your head ! " She walked in as Allen stood with the ketchup in his hand and a broad grin on his face . He burst out laughing as soon as he saw her . Monica shot him a look of disgust before she charged at him . She was thirty - four years old , but she still looked as though she was in her mid - twenties and people had a hard time believing that she was the mother of a 15 - year - old boy . She still lived in her grandmother 's house , but now , she worked as a supervisor at a call center and made well over enough money to keep her and her son happy . Allen was a good kid for the most part , but she saw a lot of Trey in him . His temper , mainly , was what she worried about the most . He was always getting into fights at school and with children around the neighborhood . His father came close to laying hands on her when she was younger , but he never crossed the line . With Allen though , it didn 't seem that he had that kind of restraint when it came to other people . The two of them had an air - tight relationship and even though he didn 't have a father figure in his life , he still had a good grasp on what it was like to be a man . His teacher , Mr . Weston , did much to structure him as much as he could , and he recognized Allen as a bright student during the parent teacher conferences . " Allen is really a smart kid , Monica . He just gets mixed up with the wrong crowd a lot of times , you know ? Bad company corrupts good morals , so all of the good things you are teaching him at home sort of gets washed away when he comes around these group of kids . " That was what he said each time Allen had gotten into trouble at school , and he was on the verge of being kicked out of Madison High School if he kept up his behavior . Trey had only seen Allen twice in his lifetime , once at the hospital and then once again when Allen was five . Allen said that he had no memory of his father and even though Monica tried her best not to talk bad about Trey in front of his son , Allen still drew his own conclusion . He was a mirrored image of his father , same thick eyebrows and dark brown eyes . His hair kinked up the same way Trey 's did when he started growing it out , and Monica would shake her head at how much the two of them resembled . At times , it scared her because she felt that somehow , she had gone back in time and started life as a teenager all over again . Those thoughts only lasted for split seconds , though , and she hated when it happened . Trey continued to be a dope dealer since the day he left the hospital and for a while , he was making a lot of money . Monica would hear how he was driving new cars almost every other week and flashing pockets full of twenty dollar bills and tossing them up at the strip clubs like they were dollar bills . Ten years after Allen was born , Trey was robbed by a group of other men and the ended up shooting him in the legs . The doctors thought he would be paralyzed , but amazingly , he regained his ability to walk after extensive rehab sessions . He had a limp , but it was better than strolling along in a wheelchair . Back at the house , Allen was preparing to leave . " Aight Mama , I ' ma be back later on . " He grabbed his bag and headed to the door , When he got far enough away from the house , he looked inside of his bag to make sure he had everything . A black Glock 9 and a few bags of weed was what he needed for the trip he and Ricky were about to make . Ironically , he followed in the same footsteps of his father except he started at a much younger age . He was influenced by the wrong crowd , and when the music videos showed him what it was to be a man , he figured he needed to step into his place as well . He made it over to Ricky 's house , " What up , fam ? " They shook hands as Ricky spoke , They headed to the West side of town to make a drop . Allen knew that it would be dangerous because they were going on unknown territory but he wasn 't scared at all . In fact , Ricky was the one who was calm , and it was just because Allen was there . As they rode to the West Side , Allen glanced at his phone . " My Moms is calling , man . She is about to snap once she finds out where I 'm at . She probably called your mom first . " Ricky drove his car with one hand on the steering wheel , " Yeah . Don 't answer that , though . Just wait until we get back . " Allen slid his phone back in his pocket , and twenty minutes later , they arrived on the West Side of town . Both of them were unfamiliar with the area , but they knew where they needed to go . Little did Allen know , Trey lived on the same side of town , but Allen wouldn 't be able to pick him out of a lineup , let alone identify his relation to him . " Aight , you ready ? The house is right there , " Ricky said as they were parked on the street . " Aight , Let 's go . " They both got out of the car and headed towards the house as Trey walked down the sidewalk with a limp . He was still on edge since the time he had gotten shot and even though it was almost ten years ago , he never forgot the moment it happened . A group of young boys , close to the ages of Ricky and Allen , were the reason he had to walk with a limp . As they approached him , Allen put his hand near his waist . In unfamiliar territory , he always wanted to be ready to pull out if it came down to it . Trey tensed up as they inched towards each other 's path , " Whassup , little nigga ? " he said as he stopped in the middle of the sidewalk to block their path , " Yall don 't belong over here . I can tell . What 's up ? " Allen glared at him , but before he responded , he realized that something was off about him . It was like he was looking in a mirror and watching an older version of himself right in front of him . Ricky spoke up , " We ain 't here to see you , so watch out . " Trey didn 't budge , and when Ricky shoved him back , Allen snapped out of his trance and pulled his gun out , " Look , we ain 't come here for all that . We just trying to see Snap , aight ? " In Trey 's mind , flashbacks of the fateful night he was shot twice by the group of boys began to replay in his mind . He looked down the dark barrel of the gun , oblivious to any detail of Allen that might have told him that they were related . It was all erased , and the only thing he could focus on was avoiding being gunned down again by a group of teens . As Allen pointed the gun at Trey , he froze again . He saw his own eyebrows , lips , nose and eyes on the face of this man in front of him . His eyebrows wrinkled up but to Trey , he sensed hesitation . He is not going to shoot me , he said in his mind . He had been living a street life for a while , and he knew when somebody was going to shoot and when they were bluffing . Allen wasn 't bluffing by any means , but seeing his features on another man bugged him out completely . Slowly , he began to wonder if the man standing in front of him was his father . Before he could react to his thoughts , Trey pulled the pistol from his waist and as Allen was on the verge of yelling for him to stop . Pow ! Pow ! Pow ! Trey emptied his clip into Allen as Ricky ran from the scene . Blood spilled from his body as he laid on the sidewalk , gasping for air . Trey stood over him and shook his head , " Not this time , little nigga . Not this time . " As Ricky sped off , Trey turned around and limped away from the scene of the murder . Allen laid there with his eyes wide open ; chest covered in blood as his gasps for air slowly ended . If you are not being a father to your son , you are killing your son . Leave a reply The sun beamed down on them as they sat outside on the outskirts of a park in New York City . It was the place that people came to find good chess competition . He emptied the pieces out of his brown paper bag as they slid onto the table and banged into one another . He set each piece up carefully , first the King and Queen , then the Bishops , the Knights , the Rooks and finally the Pawns . When he placed the clock on the side of the table , she walked up to him and took a seat . He looked at her with a haughty smirk as she glared down at the chessboard . She wore jeans and a black , sleeveless shirt with a small bag strapped over her shoulder . Her smile was alluring and had been the downfall of many men before her . Her lips were full like moons at the winter solstice . Her eyes were barely visible behind her dark shades while her brown skin was as smooth as soft , chocolate ice cream . The man shook his head , " Are you lost , little lady ? " She didn 't pay attention to his sarcasm as she nodded to the clock , " Whenever you 're ready . " He was a shark , one of the best players that this park had seen in quite some time , but she was by no means intimidated by his reputation . She enjoyed the strategy of the game just as much as anybody else . The way everything is set up to attack the king slowly or quickly with tactical means . She went in for the kill if it was there every time . She hardly ever waited because patience wasn 't her strong suit . If she had to , she would wait for the kill but for the most part , she wanted to pounce as soon as her opponent made his mistake . This was her life but to him , it was just a game , and that is where he made the mistake . He extended his hand and with that , she picked up her first piece and slapped the clock . Pawn , E4 . Pawn , D4 . Pawn , C3 . She was playing a gambit , and he fell right into it . Moments later , his fallacious smirk slowly began to fade as she pushed him into taking pieces so that she could get into a better attacking position . A small crowd started to gather as he looked at her . She folded her arms just under her chest as her breasts sat perfectly on top of her forearms . She was built like a model , and every man knew it . Most times , they were caught off guard when she showed what she could do , and that 's what she loved the most . Words she lived by . During each of his moves , she shifted her head slightly to the right , picking up on every sound the piece made when it came in contact with the board . She was a student of the game . When she was younger , her father blindfolded her and made her play games against him . " Focus on the sound of the board . You have to learn how to see your opponent 's moves before they do . You have to see the whole board in your mind before you can take apart your adversary . Always remain two steps ahead of them . " It wasn 't the same since he passed away and even thought she was responsible for it , she had good reason to do it . Things changed a lot as she grew up in her parent 's home and that was one of the things she had to deal with . She had to deal with his death on her terms and most of the times ; they came in the form of nightmares . She tapped her finger across the surface of the table as his clock ticked further and further down . He simultaneously looked between her and the board as his hands started to shake and people around began to gasp at the fact that he was on the verge of being dismantled by this attractive young woman . She wasn 't from around here . She was too quiet to be a New Yorker . Too reserved . Too calm . Her accent wasn 't gritty . He makes his move , and she smiles . She could have ended the game , but she wanted him to suffer . She enjoyed it . She moved her Bishop down and took his Queen and with that move , you could feel the torment shooting from his soul . He flipped his King over onto the board as the people around stood with their mouths open . It wasn 't completely because he had lost because , even with his skill , he has seen defeat a few times before in that very park . What caused everyone to remain with looks of unbelief plastered onto their faces were her eyes . The coolness of the gray that covered her iris 's when she removed her glasses . The way she looked at her opponent with eyes full of nothing and winked at him as if she could see everything in front of her . It was the same look she had given the men before she ended their lives . Her beautiful smile was where they underestimated her . The perfect shape of her lips coated with black lipstick , the complexion that wrapped around her body flawlessly . The beauty mark that sat right in the middle of her cheek and made a small trail to the edge of her eyes . Two long french braids hung down from both sides of her head . Her pulchritude was uncanny , and it hid who she was . Moments later , she got up and walked away from the table , parting the crowd with each step like the red sea . She was dangerous . Much more dangerous than anything that chess table had ever seen . He smiled and got up from the table to fix two more plates . He was that kind of guy . A loving father who was willing to sacrifice his things just to make sure his two women were ok . Jade Bowen was the only child of two well - off parents . Her Father was a defense attorney , and her mother made her living as a surgeon . There wasn 't much that the family couldn 't get if they wanted it , but they did their best not to spoil Jade , and so far , they did well . She was seventeen and just a few months away from graduating High School and had aspirations of going off to College to major in pharmaceuticals and follow the path of her mother . She was fascinated with repairing wounds and sewing up deep wounds were guilty pleasures for her . The blood didn 't make her queasy the way it did her father . She had a strong stomach , and her mother was the same way . Her parents were pleased because they wanted her to understand that she should have to work for everything she got , just as they did . Moments later , her mother came down the stairs . She was a more mature version of her mother . Her body filled out in a way that her daughter patiently waited for . " If that is my mom , " she thought to herself , " Then I know my body will be here sooner or later . " She walked into the kitchen with her house robe on and tied it once she got to the table . Her father turned around as he pulled juice from the refrigerator , " Oh , so Jade just automatically gets my credit ? " he said as he placed the juice on the table . Her mother laughed , " I knew you were going to throw a hissy fit ! I was just playing ; I knew that you made it . Jade 's lazy behind just got up ! " She leaned over and kissed her daughter on the cheek , then walked to her husband and put her arms around him as she pushed her lips against his . They had been married for thirteen years , and most people would say that was an unlucky number . The Bowen 's didn 't believe in luck or anything like that , but that thirteenth year of marriage is when things started to become unhinged for them . On the subway , she took a seat right next to an older white man . She folded her hands across her legs as the train glided across the tracks . The lights flashed into the car every few seconds as she took a book out of her purse and ran her fingers across the small dots on the pages . The older black man with silver hair looked down at her book , then towards her . As she turned a page , she spoke , " The Invisible Man . I love this book . Have you read it ? " The older man adjusted his glasses , " I have . I have read it , indeed . " He paused for a few moments , " Have you ever wanted to become invisible ? " Suddenly , she remembered that same thirteenth year of marriage , and it was at that moment that she wished she was invisible . Her father lost his job because he lost a case that he was forced to take . His confidence was sky high at the time , and he hadn 't seen a loss in the courtroom in a few years , but even he wasn 't sure that he could get a man off for a double murder . It was the governor 's son , and the case was as highly profiled as it could get , and when the jury came back with the verdict , it was like a pillowcase of bricks collided into his chest . From that point , he was let go of the firm and blackballed in the state . He couldn 't find another job as a lawyer if he sold his first born and the thought crossed his mind more than a few times . He was unraveling before his family 's eyes , and as the time passed , he picked up a bottle more than he did a phone to search for jobs . Jade 's mother , Allison , was become weary by the day , but she did her best to hold it together even though things were becoming tight on them . They had tapped out of all of their savings and started dipping into Jade 's college fund . She fixed dinner on her day off as Maurice stumbled into the kitchen . She sighed when he walked up to her and put his arms around her waist . " Maurice , not now . I 'm tryin ' to get dinner done . " He kept trying to kiss her until she sucked her teeth and spoke with more attitude , " Maurice ! I said not now ! " He stumbled as he took a few steps away from her . His speech was slurred , " What … what are you talkin ' about not now ? You 're … you 're MY wife and I can … I can do whatever I please to you . Now , come here and let me get a kiss . " He walked over to her again , but this time , she lifted her elbow and pushed it into his chest , " I said not now , Maurice ! I need to finish cooking ! " It may have been the stress that built up over the past seven months of unemployment , but now , the look in his eyes was much different than it was before . The man that was full of love had become bitter . Angry . Resentful . He bottled it all inside of him when he should 've released it because now , it had the propensity to come out at the wrong moment . He had an unbridled sea of emotions swirling around inside of him that was just waiting to be released . He hadn 't been able to control them and for the most part , he had become a wild card . He said as every word left his tongue as if it weighed one hundred pounds . He lifted his hand and sent it crashing down into her face again but this time , she shoved him back into the table and knocked the dinner plates onto the ground . Just then , Jade ran into the kitchen in the midst of the commotion and saw her mother bleeding from her lip , and her father tumbled onto the ground next to the shattered glass . When he got to his feet , he charged forward again , but they both moved out of the way . They had been through this before , though . This wasn 't the first time he had put his hands on her . It had nearly become a weekly occurrence for the past two months , and Jade was tired of it . She was tired of seeing her mom hurt , and her mother was tired of making up excuses for the cuts and bruises she had all over her body . Only one person can have so much misfortune happen to them at once , and things had become difficult to explain away . He walked over to Jada , " Mo . . move out of the way , Jada . This is between me an … me and yo ' mama . " Jada knew what was coming . Ever since she knew she wasn 't going to be able to go to College , she wanted to go to the army instead . She felt she would be able to make the most money in the quickest way to help her mother as much as she could . She took courses on how to handle guns and enrolled herself in multiple self - defense classes to help her hone in on her hand to hand combat . She stepped in - between her mom and dad to help protect her mother as the rage built behind his glare . He took his hand and thrust it into her chest . She fell into the stove and smacked her head forcefully into the corner of it . Jada grabbed her head as she started to lose consciousness and her mother rushed over to her . Maurice grabbed Allison by the hair and threw her backward into the wall and slowly started walking to her with a staggered limp as if he was a zombie . With the little strength she had , Jada pulled herself up and grabbed a knife from the drawer . Maurice lifted his hand and sent it crashing down into Allison over and over , " This is th … this is the last time I ' ma … I ' ma tell you about talkin ' … talkin ' back to me ! " Pow ! He sent another hand down onto her cheek , and suddenly , he stopped and looked at his stomach to see the tip of a long steak knife sticking out of it . Soon after that , blood began to trickle down his mouth as Allison looked up in horror . Maurice gasped for air as more blood fell from his mouth and he dropped to his knees . The very last thing Jada saw was her father on her back , choking on his blood . Moments later , she passed out . Back on the train , she turned slightly towards the older white man , " Once . One time . But I have no regrets . " She quickly turned towards her book and continued reading as the train came to a stop . The older man got up and got off as she closed her book and trailed him like a shadow . He didn 't suspect a thing , and that 's how she saw it in her head before it happened . She studied him . She knew he was a fan of Ralph Waldo Emerson and flashing the book in front of him would force him to speak to her so she could get the tone of his voice . She didn 't plan on needing it , but she was told to always see the whole board before she made her move . Cover every angle . She could tell you his age , height , and complexion and she hadn 't laid an eye on him . She was good at what she did , and that 's why she was on . She was a ghost . He headed up the elevator to his office building and went into his corner room . When he took his suit jacket off and hung it on the rack , he walked to the window that overlooked downtown . He put his hands behind his back as his gray hairs reflected the sunlight that beamed down onto him . He cleared his throat , " I didn 't think you would be coming this soon . " He fixed his glasses as his reflection in the glass window shined back at him and seemingly out of nowhere , Jade emerged . " But you knew I would be coming . " He laughed , " Yes . Yes , I did . However , I did not suspect that you would have been on the train with me . " She walked closer to his desk as he continued standing with his hands behind back . He was wealthy himself , the owner of the largest grocery chain in the world . However , his desire to stay connected to the common people was astounding . He rode the train , the subway , and the city bus at least once a week so he wouldn 't become so haughty and high - minded . It worked as good as anything else could have as his workers , even starting , were paid two dollars above minimum wage and qualified for healthy benefits only after three months of employment . He was one of the good guys , but the industry saw him as a bad apple . He wasn 't falling in line with what the rest of the men in his position did and therefore , he knew the end was coming . He knew that not falling in line with the status quo and succumbing to the powers that be ; there would be a stiff penalty . He was prepared , though . She reached into her bag and placed two items on his desk ; a poison that he could ingest and send him away quietly or a double - edged blade that would sever his head from his body with little to no force applied . Her escape was already planned . She walked his office many times on his lunch breaks without him noticing that she had been there . He was positioned on the fifteenth floor , but she scoped out an exit through the ventilation system that led right outside . She would grapple down the building and come down through the sunroof of a car driven by another member of the agency , and they would be gone before anybody could blink twice . They were professionals . He spoke , not once turning towards her . It was slightly jarring that he said her name . However , she wasn 't deterred . She wasn 't going to dive off into unnecessary conversations . She was there to do a job , and that was it . The sun beamed down on him as he squinted his eyes and remained in his position , " You know , I pride myself on the things that I do for my employees . I respect them and in turn , they are willing to work for me and help keep my business afloat . I understand that - " she interrupted him , " Albert , please . " He slowly turned towards her with a smile on his face and his stomach round and plumped like a globe was stuffed in his shirt . His dark skin enveloped his body as if he was dipped in a dark , oily river as he looked at the options in front of him . He picked up the small bottle and opened the lid , " Temazepam , " he said as he spread the pills on the table . Jade stood in front of him with the blade in her hand , a silenced 9 - millimeter pistol in the other . He looked at her and smiled , " Ah , three choices now , huh ? " He didn 't seem to be worried , not even in the slightest fashion . Death is something that he was prepared for ever since he took his stance . His will was prepared , and all of his businesses were in order . He picked up a few pills and walked over to his water dispenser , " Would you like a drink ? " She stood there silently , her dark shades facing in his direction . " Just being hospitable , " he said as he pressed the release button for the water . It splashed into his paper cup , and he nearly filled it to the brim , then walked back to his desk and took a seat . Her head moved with each step he took until he was perched in his chair . She tightened her finger on the trigger as Albert tested her patience . He looked up to her , " I 'll be sure to tell Allison hello for you when I get there . " Suddenly , she paused , and the chances of that happening when she was in the midst of a job were unheard of , but right now , she was frozen . The machine in the hospital beeped right next to her bed as Jade stood by her mom , stroking her hand delicately to calm her anxiety . Even though she told her she was fine , Jade knew the truth . She could feel emotions better than most people could read faces . Her senses seemed to enhance weeks after she lost her vision . " I 'm here , Mama . I 'm not going anywhere . " Five years after Allison 's husband was killed , she was diagnosed with malignant cancer that was rapidly eating away at her insides . The doctors said that she didn 't have many more days to live , however , the time she spent in the hospital was as pleasant as anyone 's last days could be . She was bombarded with flowers and balloons almost on a daily basis just to show that she was appreciated . Albert had grown quite fond of her in the past few years . Although she wasn 't making herself available by any means , he still pursued her and , in fact , he was seeking to make her his bride . Jade knew all of this , but business is business . She stood in front of him as he took a deep breath and leaned his head back with the pills in the palm of his hand . Suddenly , he stopped and tilted his head forward as he put the cup of water back on the table . " You know what , " he said , " You 're going to have to - " and before he could finish , she sent a shot from her silenced pistol that went through his forehead and out of the glass behind him . She was through the ventilation system before his body hit the ground . 2 Replies " I don 't know , it was all just a blur , " he said as the detective sat across from him with his arms folded across his chest . He sucked his teeth at the young man 's response . He knew there was something off . The way he fidgeted in his chair . How he consciously avoided eye contact whenever the detective looked him squarely into his bold , brown eyes . " A blur , huh ? You really expect me to believe that ? Your best friend is dead . Your wife is dead . You hear me . DEAD . And you have the nerve to sit there , no tear in your eye , no feelings of remorse , nothing ! " the detective spoke as his deep voice began to rise , " on top of that , all you can give me is , ' it was all just a blur ' ? ! " The man leaned back in his chair , scooting further away from the detective but going nowhere . The room was small and the detective sat as close to him as possible , knees brushing against his . The room they sat in became smaller by the second . The young man fanned himself with his hand as the temperature increased in the room . " Is … is it getting ' hot in here or is it just me ? " he asked the detective with a befuddled look . The detective said nothing . It was all calculated because they knew he was semi - claustrophobic . The fact that they chose the smallest room available . The way the detective sat as close to him as he did . The sudden raise in room temperature . The detectives on the other side of the glass watched as one of them consistently increased the temperature in the room every five minutes . The two detectives involved in this case were strong chess players . Their mouths all watered whenever they had the opportunity to employ these type of strategic moves during their interrogation . " Well , can I at least get some water or somethin ' ? I feel like I 'm about to pass out " the young man said as if the life was draining from his body . The detective motioned towards the two way mirror . Moments later , another detective brought in a bottled water . It was much warmer than room temperature . The young man gaggedThe young man straightened out his shirt and picked up the bottled water . It was halfway empty as he took another swig , smiling at the two way mirror . Inside , he was breaking apart . His best friend and his wife was just murdered right in front of his eyes . His tears would never be seen by any detective but the truth ? We would all die to know it . It wasn 't that he was afraid to snitch , it was just the code that he lived by . He didn 't want justice in the form of prison bars . He wanted street justice . There was no way the men who did this would live to see another day . He already had it made up in his mind . " He 's not breaking " the large detective said to his counterpart on the other side of the glass , " he 's smart . He 's in there mocking us drinking that water knowing it 's hot . He knows good got - damn well it 's hot and he 's still drinking it ! " he said as the anger seeped out of him in the form of erratic yelling . " Hey , hey big fella , calm down . We 'll get him " the other detective said as he peered at him from behind the window , " he knows something . Maybe he didn 't do it . Matter of fact , I 'm sure he didn 't do it but he knows who did . " They peered at him as he sat in the room , still drinking the warm water . He emptied the bottle and held it up to the mirror , pointing at it as if he was suggesting a refill . " Look at him ! Look at him ! That cocky son of a - " , the other detective interjected , " easy , easy big man . That 's what he wants you to do . He wants you to lose your mind and pull something out of your behind that you have no way of proving . Let me take a run at him " he said as more of a heads up call than asking for permission . He walked into the room with another bottled water . The condensation from the coolness dripping off the surface of it . " Sorry about that last one " the slim detective said , " I know it was kinda ' warm . Don 't know how it got to you that way . " The young man shook his head , seeing right through the feeble attempt to cover the lie . " Don 't sweat it " he said , speaking with a double entendre . He unscrewed the top and took a swallow , internally savoring the coolness but being sure not to give the detective the satisfaction of knowing that he appreciated it . " How about a towel ? " the detective asked . The young man left it dangling in the detective 's hand . " I 'm good " he said in a low , barely discernable voice . The slim detective smiled and laid it over the young man 's knee completely disregarding his response . " Oh , I 'm sorry . Let me clarify . The murder you witnessed . I know the death of your friend and your wife is something hard to digest . The shock of it all may not have passed you yet so I 'm not concerned with your lack of emotion . I 've seen it all many times before . " " Newlyweds , huh ? She was a beautiful young woman . It 's a shame she had to go so soon . I bet you guys were just beginning to enjoy each other . " " Hold on young fella , just hold on . Now , like my man say , you look good for this murder . Ballistic reports show that your gun was fired . The shell casings in the house match your gun . Your prints are all over the weapon . I mean , it 's not looking good for you right now . " The detective scooted closer to the young man and spoke in a low voice as if he was trying to keep what he had to say a secret between those two , " look , in my heart I don 't believe you did it . Not for one second . But the prosecution ? They are looking for somebody to put away for this and right now , you fit the bill . " The young man sucked his teeth and took another gulp of water , peering over the bottle at his accuser . " A bluff " he thought to himself , " and a horrible one at that . " " Don 't you even care about the two people you had close relationships with ? The two people that died in the same room you were in ? I mean , you 're coming off pretty heartless right now , don 't you think ? " " Look . It 's going one of two ways ; either you killed them both or you had them set up . We did a little digging around . " " No , like finding a motive . You don 't think we knew that your wife and best friend were fooling around with each other ? " The young man froze , staring just beyond the detective into the wall behind him . The news hit his chest like a bag of bricks and a nauseous feeling went straight to his stomach . He kept a straight face , " everybody knew that " he said as he fell apart inside . His best friend and his wife . He had seen it too much in reality TV shows . It was something him and his wife would shake their heads at all the time . She covered it perfectly to the point that he never suspected a thing . Had he found out , he may have really been on the hook for murder right now . " They were like brother and sister " he said to himself , fighting back tears . " So , you mean to tell me you knew about it and at the same time , you were chilling with them ? With no issues ? No problems ? You REALLY expect me to believe that ? " " Us ? " Dajuan said nervously , " Aw man , we just comin ' from the store . I picked her up on my way over here . " Sherrie avoided eye contact with them , pretending to focus on the video game that was being played right in front of her . Dajuan picked up the vacant game controller , " Let 's get a game in " he said quickly in an attempt to avoid further questioning . They knew where they just came from and it had nothing to do with a store . Sherrie and Dajuan were just alike in the sense that they thrived on danger . The fear of " almost getting caught " is what kept the fire and passion in their affair . She believed she married Charles too young and since he cheated before , she had to get him back . She had to do it in a way that would teach him to think twice before he ever did it again . It was only supposed to happen once but once turned into twice , twice turned into three times , and three times turned into almost six months of treachery that was so covertly operated that the navy seals would 've been proud of it . " Aight man " Charles said , " I think you need a reminder of what happens every time you pick up them sticks " he said as a smile jetted across his face . Sherrie smiled in his direction , looking more towards Dajuan . The two men sat so close to each other that one could barely tell who her attention was really on . The way he redirected Charles made her want Dajuan even more . They were midway through the second quarter when the doorbell rang . Charles got up and walked to the door . Once he realized who stood on the other side , he scooted outside and cracked it behind him . " What are you doin ' here ? " he exclaimed in a stern , hushed voice . It was the woman he cheated on his wife with almost a year ago . She would show up unannounced at times asking for things that she left hanging around his house . He believed she left traces there covertly just to have a reason to come back . " I need my notebook . It 's under your bed " she said in an irritated voice . " No its not ! No . Its . Not ! And you 're gonna ' have to stop comin ' roun ' here , Jazmine ! I told you that ! " he said as he peeked behind him into the house , making sure nobody was coming to the door . " Boy , please . Like I said , I just want my notebook . If you 're not gonna ' go get it , then I will " she said as she tried to push her way past him . He put his hand up to block her , " No , I 'll get it . Just wait here . " He looked to his right as a black Monte Carlo began creeping down the block . It was right on time . He left her at the door , closing it as she stood there waiting with her arms folded . " Who was that ? " his wife asked as he briskly walked past them in the front . " Huh ? " he said , attempting to stall as he walked back to their room and began searching under the bed . Moments later , he yelling coming from the front room . Jazmine and Sherrie began arguing at the door . He glanced at his watch , knowing he had to get back out there as fast as he could . He climbed all the way under the bed and pulled out a notebook she had tucked on top of " Look " the detective interrupted him out of his daydream , " I 'm done here . If you don 't want to talk , that 's fine . That 's fine with me but please believe that there will be somebody you will have to answer to . We 're gonna hold you here for that traffic ticket until we can sort the rest of this out . " He shrugged his shoulders as the detective walked out of the room . He sat there , cold and sullen , sipping the final drops of water out of his bottle . He knew he would be out in a couple days and when he did get out , he would go back to life as it was before . Before the adultery . Before the wrong choices . It was a restoration time for him . He smirked at the detectives as they watched from the other side of the mirror . He held up his hand and pointed at the empty bottle . He knew he was going to get away with murder . Leave a reply Her mother , Elaine , walked in with a magnanimous smile on her face before he finished biting into me . He looked at me as if I just escaped his mouth . She walked over to hug her daughter and then headed towards me . She was the same height as her daughter and outside of her mother 's darker skin , the two were nearly identical . It was clear where she had gotten her beauty from . Even in her mid - forties , her body still found a way to retain a bit of its peak from her golden years . She cut her husband off , " Oh hush , old man ! This house is too quiet ! It 's time to hear the pitter - patter of tiny feet running through here . " " Well " , her mother interjected , " Supper is ready . Shall we ? " She smiled . Geoffrey , their butler , came in and directed us to the kitchen . We walked down long hallways , passing artwork and statues along the way . Our footsteps made unnerving echoes throughout the hallow halls with each steps . As we walked a few steps behind her parents , my lady whispered to me sternly , " Ehhis , please do not incite my father at the dinner table . " Her whisper went slightly above a secretive tone . Geoffrey and her parents turned towards us . We smiled as if nothing was being said . They turned around and we continued , " Well , would you like to serve the food as well ? " her father said . I began to get up , but my lady restrained me , subtly forbidding me to respond to his sarcasm . Geoffrey served the food . Smothered pork chops , steamed vegetables , mashed potatoes , hot water cornbread and lemon - aid . The dinner was filled with the clanging of silverware against plates and nods of approval of the food that was served . Geoffrey did his job of refilling our glasses with ice cold lemon - aid and providing seconds of whatever we requested . Out the corner of my eye , I noticed the interactions between Geoffrey and Elaine . The indirect , flirty smiles that they exchanged when they thought nobody was watching . They looked like they enjoyed the thrill of almost being caught , like it was something that drove their relationship . I pretended to take a drink , watching their interaction through the distortion of my glass . It would take a blind man to not know there was something amiss between those two . Luckily , she was married to one . We finished our food . Her father wiped his mouth with a napkin , then sipped a cup of tea with his pinky finger extended . I thought of the artwork that hung on his wall and the records that were buried in the drawer . " I noticed there were a few paintings and records by Negro artists around the house . My lady said they were yours . Why are they tucked away beneath everything else ? " My lady sensed what I was doing . She tried to interject but I cut her off and directed the question back to her mother . Her father looked as if I just reviled him , placing his mug gently down on the table . Elaine looked at him with a thwarted countenance and then turned towards me . " Well " she said , " there is really not enough room for all of the artwork we have . So , we just decided to put the ones up that fit the décor of the rooms . It gives it a better ' Feng shay ' as father puts it . " He nodded his head as if she correctly gave the answers they rehearsed for times like this . He added , " You do know what that means , right ? " his hands were folded onto his protruding belly . " Why are you defending this fool ? He has nothing to offer our little girl . He 's not doing a thing but suckin ' her dry " he paused , " well really , suckin ' me dry since I 'm the one givin ' her all the money . " Lady and I looked back and forth between them like siblings watching their parents argue . Lady took a drink of lemon - aid and I looked towards Elaine . She had a scowl , mirroring the same face my mother gave my father when she was going to lay into him with her words . She never cussed at him in front of us but she knew how to give the most sanctified tongue lashing my ears had ever heard . I wondered if Elaine had the same type of skill . She began tapping her finger nails on the table from right to left , one after the other . Geoffrey walked back in , refilling glasses with Lemon - aid . He knew he stepped into a war zone . I could tell he was uncomfortable when he poured the drink into my glass and splashed a few drops onto the table in front of me . " I 'm sorry , sir " he said , wiping up the small accident . Charles took another sip of tea while his pinky was still erect . She was hesitating to answer , either searching for the words or trying to figure out how to say them . She finally spoke up , Her father 's eyes bucked open as he slammed his glass on the table . My Lady 's eyes widened as she gasped . I looked between all of them at the table . I didn 't know exactly what she meant but I picked up on the context clues and assumed the rest . I was right . He sat up in his chair . His face was slowing turning beet red . Geoffrey quickly exited out the room before things got worse . My lady 's mouth hung wide open . Elaine continued , " Yeah , I didn 't want to embarrass you in front of them but since you pushed me to do so , there it is ! Hell , you deserve it the way you 've carried on with Ehhis this night . It 's completely ridiculous ! " " Charles , sit your behind down ! You can barely tie your own shoe without me around here to help you ! Had it not been for your parents , you wouldn 't even be in the position you are in now and you 're talking like you 're some big shot . " I smiled as I drank more of my lemon - aid . My lady smacked me on the arm and Charles looked towards me , " What are you smiling at , boy ? ! I 'll put you on the same boat ! You 're the reason she 's fired up right now ! " I smiled wide , completely enjoying the situation he found himself in . Elaine was much more reckless with her words . I felt as if she was partly defending me in her responses , " This ain 't about him , Charles ! This is about us ! Sit your wobbly behind down , you know good and well Ehhis ain 't the cause of none of this ! " I knew Lady got her beauty from Elaine but it wasn 't until now that I saw where she got her feistiness from as well . Elaine was a firecracker . His face was completely red . Geoffrey came out of the kitchen and walked towards me . With a vague smirk , he filled my glass up with water . The ice clanged on the sides of the glass pitcher as he poured . Charles interrupted him , " That 'll be enough , Geoffrey . Our guest was just leaving ! " I stood up and tipped my hat to Elaine . " No , don 't leave yet " she said , " there is one more thing I need to say and I want you to hear this . " She stood up at the table . Her eyes on fire , chest moving up and down at a rapid pace from her breathing . Geoffrey looked up towards her and subtly shook his head . I saw their interaction and looked towards my Lady . We made eye contact , then we both looked at her father as he peered between all of us . His face was still beet red . " Well , speak , woman ! " She examined him intensely . She had something to say and it seemed that she was holding onto it for ages . I imagined that it was that very thing that was trying to push its way out her chest as she breathed heavily . " Spit it out ! " Charles said impatiently . She finally exploded , " I cheated on you 24 years ago ! " The room went silent . My lady and I sat with our mouths hanging wide open , looking around the room at each other , not knowing what to do next . " And that 's not it ! " Elaine added , " I 've been cheating with the same man since then . " Our facial expressions didn 't change as she continued , " And Lady is not your daughter ! She is Geoffrey 's ! " I looked at my Lady and she turned to look at Geoffrey as he stood by the door just as uncomfortable as he could have ever been . The silence in the room was deafening . I put my head down , wanting to sink under the table and disappear . Charles sat lifeless at the head of the table . He passed out and rolled off his chair onto the ground . The craziest part about that is that nobody went over to check on him . Not one soul . Check the short promo for this upcoming novel ! 4 Replies The smoke was just beginning to clear . The buildings were demolished and the once plentiful city they lived in was on the verge of becoming an abandoned wasteland . People walked around aimlessly , covered in debris still trying to piece together what just happened . Cars were flipped upside down and metal street signs were bent at the base . Slabs of concrete were missing from the streets as dead bodies littered patches of land . In the middle of it all , he stood . His ears were still ringing from the explosion as he looked around in complete shock . He breathed heavily , attempting to bring his mind back to the present state the world was currently in . People ran in every direction , some with their bodies covered in blood while others were maimed in some sort of way , yet , still able to limp their way along . Smaller explosions were still going off in the distance as he stood in the middle of a once congested busy street , observing his surroundings in a panoramic view . Another explosion went off 100 feet away from him causing him to flinch . That 's when she ran up to him and the ringing in his ears were replaced with her words , " come on ! We have to move ! Now ! " Still disoriented , he reached his hand out to hers unconsciously as she pulled him along with her . She wasn 't a big woman , 5 ' 8 165 pounds but she was still able to pull a willing body along with her . They ran hand in hand past the screams of people who were in agony and too injured to run for themselves . He looked at them as they ran past , wanting to help but not able get his body and mind on the same page . " Pleeease don 't leave me here ! " they yelled as the two maneuvered through the rubble . " Come on , keep up " she said , " We can 't save them . We have to keep moving . " He slowly became more cognizant of the chaos going on around him , picking up his speed and alertness . " This way " she said as another explosion went off to their right , " through these doors . " They turned off the street and headed into a building that somehow was Recent Posts The Teacher - Part 2 |
Yesterday , we got a piece of good news : Gregg 's PET scan came back clean . So in order to celebrate , I ran around to all the neighbors that have supported us though Gregg 's ordeal and invited them over for a glass of champagne at 5 : 00 . Ray followed me mopily around the house as I did a quick houseclean then when bedtime ( about 4 : 30 ) rolled around , went to his usual spot on the couch to go to sleep . But his pillow wasn 't there ( it was in the wash ) , and his blanket wasn 't there ( I had folded up the throws and stashed them out of sight ) . He stood at the edge of the couch , his head down in sad - dog mode , uncertain what to do . I wanted him asleep so I spread his blanket in it 's usual place . Ray immediately crawled up , curled up , and went to bed . As soon as Ray went down , Gregg started putting out food ; a cheese board , crackers , nuts , carrots , etc . At 5 : 00 sharp , Marva arrived followed immediately by Halle 's grandparents , Deborah and Steven . Ray got up off his couch to greet them . I was taking coats when I heard Steven say the dreaded words , " Um , should Ray be doing that ? " I turned to look . Something was missing off of the cheese board . Ray was headed into the kitchen with a prized mozzarella / prosciutto / basil roll clenched in his teeth . I swiftly grabbed his collar , removed the roll from his mouth , handed it to an outraged Gregg ( who quickly took it to the sink and rinsed it off ) and clipped a leash onto the dog . Amid much laughter , and " you shoulda seen what Ray did " s , more neighbors arrived . Steven asked , " So what was it ? " We described the cheese roll . " Oh , go ahead and put it on out , " he said , " It 's just a little dog spit . " ( He is my kind of people ) . I thought about it briefly but dismissed the idea when I saw the look of horror on Marva 's face . The small party went swimmingly . After all the guests had left ( and after Ray spent quite some time trying to intimidate Steven out of his spot on the couch - " I 'm not giving you my spot , Ray . I have dogs , I know the move . " ) I found Gregg in the kitchen with the mozzarella roll , Ray the Blind Dog It was about 6 a . m . BAMBAMBAMBAM . Ray was in my studio trying to get into the closet again . I had finally caved - in and given him one of his Christmas presents , the shrink - wrapped rib bone , just to keep him out of my room . But now , of course , he thinks that the closet is the Pez dispenser of rib bones . I could hear him give a brief whine then wander down the hall to our bedroom . SCRATCH ; he wanted in . " Go to bed Ray , " said Gregg . Ray gave a deep sigh . No bone and not allowed to sleep with us . I heard him sadly walk to the futon outside our room where he settled himself in . Life is so hard for the poor , lonely , blind dog . Posted by 1 . Eating the Christmas ornaments on the lower half of the tree2 . Opening one of the Christmas presents that was meant for ME ( from my sister , Kathy ) 3 . Trying to open one of the Christmas presents tagged for Gregg ( it was too flat for him to get a good grip on ) 4 . Annoying the crap out of me by coming into my studio 10 times a day to BAMBAMBAM the closet door to get at his presents . On the plus side , Ray made a crying baby smile by licking the bottom of the baby 's feet . . . I think that cancels out at least three of the above four demerits ( he 's really going to have to work to cancel out opening one of my Christmas presents ) Well , how was I supposed to know it was an ornament ? I AM blind y ' know . We had just finished dinner . I was sitting on the couch bookended by my cats . " Where 's Ray ? " asked my lovely husband , Gregg . " He upstairs watching Pitbulls and Parolees , " I replied . We had installed a TV in our bedroom the week before . I had given Ray a bath and the damp dog was up on our bed , cozily ensconced under his woolie blanket , drying . The last time I had passed the bedroom , Pitbulls and Parolees was on the TV . " I think we should block pay - per - view , " said Gregg . " I don 't want him ordering Dogs Gone Wild when we 're not home . " Ray has found the closet where I stash the Christmas presents . On more than one occasion , I have found him wandering down the upstairs hallway with one of the new stuffed toys dangling out of his mouth . But ever since I bought him a rib bone shrink - wrapped in plastic , I have had to make sure to monitor the closet very closely . I never realized how much I was in and out of my ( studio ) closet until I had to make sure that the door was closed every single time . I 've made many mistakes and each time have had to chase the dog down the hall or down the stairs with the bone in his mouth . I tried putting the bone on a shelf instead of in a bag on the floor but , as usual , Ray 's reach surprised me . And every time I take a present away from him , I tell him the same thing , " Ray , you 're just going to have to wait until Christmas like everyone else . " Now , sometimes when I pass the room with the closet , I 'll see Ray standing in front of it , his head down , his forehead resting on the door . Waiting . Only ten more days . ( sigh ) It was a little after 7 : 30 in the morning . I was on the phone with my BFF discussing where and when we would meet for lunch . The part of my brain that listens for unusual noises heard one . I turned to look and saw my dog at the Christmas tree . His back feet were firmly planted , his neck outstretched . Between his jaws was a string of Christmas lights . He was pulling with all his might trying to get them off of the tree . I gave an outraged howl and pried his teeth from the string , silently thanking the powers that be that the lights weren 't plugged in . Ray 's teeth had flattened one of the light sockets and the little glass bulb had been ejected and was laying on the carpet . The entire string of 100 lights was ruined . Santa was not happy . I gathered my wrapping materials and headed downstairs . I placed everything on the floor , went to get the packing tape and shipping boxes and returned to do some Christmas wrapping . I cut an appropriate - sized piece of festive wrap and then watched as my roll of paper was carried away . I retrieved my paper , reached for a roll of glittified ribbon , unrolled a nice , long piece , put the roll aside , then watched the ribbon was carried away . I retrieved my roll and decorated the package with the length of ribbon . I finished wrapping . There was glitter everywhere , including Ray 's snout , feet , and back . He takes decorating for Christmas to a whole new level . Posted by I realize I post a lot of photos of Ray sleeping , but truthfully he does move around quite a bit during the day . Here he is taking a Sunday morning nap previous to his Sunday morning walk ( which takes place AFTER my second cup of coffee . ) He was shivering , so I threw the blanket , that I use to keep dog hair off of the couch , on top of him . He wasn 't laying on it anyway ( sigh , why do I even bother ) . AND , YES , I DO KNOW MY DOG IS SPOILED , THANK YOU VERY MUCH . Ray 's thought bubble , " I love Sundays . " Nothing is happening . Ray is trying to be on his best behavior because Christmas is coming . I 'm sure the following acts have been scribbled in Santa 's notebook . On the Good side : We got caught in a downpour while walking around a different lake than our usual , and at the end of the walk , while I dried Ray off with multiple towels , he tried to lick my fleecey sweatshirt dry with his tongue . ( Santa likes helpful dogs ) While we were walking around the block , Ray found a big , half - empty bag of Candy Corn , picked it up in his teeth and carried it awhile then dropped it in front of someone else 's house . ( Santa likes dogs that share ) Ray took a shine to a Basset Hound puppy at the dog park . The little dog 's ears were so long that he kept tripping over them and had so much extra skin that he could have fit a dog of Ray 's size into it . ( Santa likes kind dogs ) Ray with his friend the Basset puppy and the Basset 's sister puppy , a Labrador RetrieverOn the demerit side : Ray continues his fascination with shoesRay starts whining at 2 : 00 o ' clock for his afternoon walk . ( The time change and the early darkness has really screwed up his schedule ) Ray has been caught multiple times with his nose in my morning coffeeGood or Bad ( depends on the interpretation ) : Ray continues his efforts to ' woo ' Hugo . Hugo considers this a bad thing . Ray 's interpretation is slightly different Another day , another attempt to win over the cats . Ray followed me into the cat room . His tail started to wag the minute he realized that Moonie was on the edge of the bed . He gave her a friendly little shove with his snout . Moonie retreated with a look of outrage on her face but didn 't panic ( too much ) because , as usual , Ray had moved on to the cat food . So , since Ray has decided that Moonie is now his good friend , he is focusing all his efforts on Hugo . Every time Hugo comes downstairs , Ray feels obligated to get up from wherever he is soundly sleeping and rush frantically to meet the black cat . Strangely enough , this tactic is not working . Even stranger still , it seems to be having the opposite effect . Posted by We had another breakthrough the other day . Moonie intentionally touched Ray 's nose with her nose . Moonie was crouched close to the edge of the bed when I went into the cat room to feed the cats . As usual Ray was following me and as usual , he went right up to the bed and stood , ears fully deployed in Dumbo mode . Moonie was inches from his nose . She crouched motionless for a moment then stretched her neck way out , touched Ray 's nose with hers for a nanosecond , and then retracted her neck . I watched Ray to see if he would try to grab her , or jump up on the bed after her , or do any of the things that he usually does , but he just stood still , with a surprised look on his face , and did nothing . Yay . Yesterday while I was out and about , I bought Ray a new bag of rawhide . I buy them by the mixed 10 pack ; flips , rolls , small knotted bones , a pretzel , and a doughnut . Ray doesn 't chew them anymore , but they are one of his favorite toys because he likes to bury them . I knew it was time to get a new bag when I saw him headed outside with his Lamby . He had a certain focused look on his face , the one he gets when he 's going to bury a bone and I had an inkling that , since we were out of rawhides , Lamby was in for it . Sure enough , Ray found a nice place to park Lamby for all eternity and came back inside with the tale - tale spot of dirt on his nose . He got me up in the middle of night to check on Lamby , she was still in her cosy resting place , but the next morning , Lamby had been disentombed ( probably the fox - I think he comes here in the middle of the night just to play with Ray 's toys . ) Ray picked Lamby up and shook her violently a couple of times , ( like he does when he unburies a rawhide ) flung all the extraneous clumps of dirt off of her , and carried her away . So yesterday , I bought a new bag of rawhide . I opened it up when I got home and gave Ray a flip ( a flat chip ) . He immediately started a game of keepaway around the coffee table , but it wasn 't long before he headed outside to bury his new prize . Unfortunately for Ray , it was raining , cold , windy , and getting dark out so it was only a matter of moments before Ray was back inside the nice cozy house and enthusiastically digging a hole for his rawhide in the couch . He gently placed the flip behind the cushions , nosed the throw over the hidey hole , then went to sleep on top of it . Problem solved . Nothing was going to going to get to this one . Posted by Every single day my dog does things that ; A . Make me laughB . Drive me to distraction C . Move meI find it a conundrum that he can do each one of these things every single day . Usually , in the ' make me laugh ' category , Ray will do something funny with his toys . It can be as simple as picking one up in his mouth and giving me a look of expectancy . An " I know you want to play with this but you can 't have it " look . This usually results in a game of keepaway . The ' drive me to distraction ' category usually involves incessant whining ( for no apparent reason ) or my shoes , or Gregg 's shoes , or nicknacks , or paper , or anything else that Ray can fit in his mouth . The ' move me ' category is a bit trickier and more unpredictable . I find myself unexpectedly moved at simple things . Like the other day , when I had just come home from running errands and was squating in the front hall petting Ray . My back was against the wall . Ray 's head was down and pressed into my chest . I couldn 't move . I laid my face on the back of his neck and he pressed against me harder . It was funny and moving at the same time . A two - fer . It 's things like this that make the ' drive me to distraction ' category insignificant . Until , of course , he starts whining or eating my shoes , or Gregg 's shoes , or nicknacks , or paper , or anything else he can fit in his mouth . Posted by The answer to this question will solve a little mystery . The other day I was working in the cat room where I keep a trunk of fabric . I opened the trunk , removed the top tray which holds a pillow , some large fabric pieces , and a pattern that I made and upon which I had neatly printed " DOG COAT . " I left the tray on the floor and rummaged through the trunk , leaving bits and pieces of fabric scattered throughout the room . The cat room remained like this for several days . When I returned to finally finish the project , I noticed that the " DOG COAT " pattern had been peed on . Nothing else had been thus defiled . Not the stacks of fabric , not the pillow , not the fluffy piles of fabric scraps scattered about , just this one thing . SO , since Ray does not have access to the cat room , and Gregg tends to use the bathroom when he pees , this leaves only two viable suspects in the case . Hugo , who hates dogs with a white - hot passion , and Moonie , who has gotten a bit loopy in her old age . IF the answer to the title question is " No , of course cats can 't read , " then I have to consider Moonie as the main suspect in this case . IF the answer to the title question is " Yes , of COURSE cats can read , " ( which I have always suspected ) then I have to look at Hugo as perpetrator of the abominable act . I 'll even go so far as to say he was probably smiling while he did it . ( Be sure to look again at the " Relaxed Dog " posting . I added a photo sent to me by Ray 's foster mom , Amber , of her own pillow hog - I mean , pillow dog . If anyone else sends a photo of their pillow pet , I 'll be glad to add them to the posting . j ) " I 'm going to bed , " said Gregg . He got out of his chair and headed for the kitchen . Ray - - who had been in bed since four o ' clock - - got out of his bed , stretched , and headed to the kitchen also . I was comfily stretched out on the recliner with Hugo curled up between my knees . He growled at Ray as the dog went by but didn 't give up his prized position . I was thrilled . " I 'll take Ray out , " said Gregg , getting Ray 's leash off of its hook . " Thanks , " I replied . Ray was exhausted from his hard day working in the yard . I had been redesigning one of the beds out back . It had gone to the dogs in the past couple of years so I was digging out flowers that had seeded beyond my wildest expectations , pulling out masses of thyme , moving some bulbs and planting others . Ray was with me every step of the way ; one minute relaxing in a pile of leaf mulch , the next digging holes in various places where he thought I should plant bones . There was even time for a jail break . ( I had headed out front to relocate some of the thyme and hadn 't fully latched the gate . When I returned to the backyard , the gate was suspiciously ajar . I quickly ascertained that the dog , which had been peacefully sleeping in his leaf mulch bed , was no longer there . [ - HOW DOES HE KNOW - ] I ran to the front and called out a few times , " RAY , RAY . " No dog . I ran to the kitchen where Gregg was standing . " Did Ray come in ? " I inquired anxiously . " No , " replied Gregg . I ran back out front , yelling , " RAY , RAY . " Sergio came out of his house across the street and pointed to William 's house next door . " I saw Ray go that way , " he yelled to me . " Thanks , " I called back as I headed over to William 's . Ray was headed off of the front porch , a big grin on his doggy face , his usual expression when he gets away with something . I gathered my dog and returned to gardening ) . So getting back to later that night , Gregg took Ray out to pee , came back inside , turned the dog loose , and went to bed . Ray started to head back to bed also but when he got alongside my recliner , Hugo growled and hissedPosted by Last night I forgot to close the dog door . At 5 : 20 this morning something roused me from my sleep . I didn 't at first know what it was . When I realized what it was , I jumped out of bed , scrambled into some clothes and shoes and ran for the stairs . I fumbled for the flashlight , shot open the deadbolt on the door , and raced outside just as my trumpeter - of - the - dawn was heading back to the house . I had a brief moment of panic when I saw him turn in my direction and his ears and tail go up . I thought he was going to announce my presence to the neighborhood as well but he just trotted on over with a triumphant little jig in his step as if he knew he 'd pulled a fast one . I grabbed his collar and we finished the jog together . At the last second , Ray reached down and , without breaking stride , snatched from the ground a sheep toy that he had abandoned outside the day before . ( I found myself wondering for the millionth and a half time ; HOW does he know it 's there ? ) He dropped the sheep on the kitchen floor and headed back to bed . Hmmm , this looks vaguely familiarOh , yeahSo to all of my neighbors who awoke to the sound of a hound baying in the dark , I apologize . I will try to do better in the future and remember to close the dog door before I retire at night . But if it happens again and you feel the need for a little retribution , just come knock on my door in the middle of the night . I 'll understand . It was interesting on Halloween how many kids and parents knew Ray . One little boy standing on the stoop very seriously said to another , " Ray is my best friend . " I have no idea who they were since they were in costume , but Ray knew . He got up off of his chair to come greet them . I also heard one of the parents standing out on the sidewalk yell to her kids , " Hey , Ray lives here ! " One of my " neighbors " ( who lives down the street and around the corner ) was following her two kids around and brought her baby boy up to see Ray . " I just had to bring him to see Ray , " she told me , grinning , the placid little guy balanced on her knee as she crouched outside the door . Ray strenuously tried to climb through the opening and managed to get in a few licks ( we removed the glass in the storm door to make it easier to hand out candy ) before they continued on . My neighbor will sometimes let Ray lick the baby 's feet or hands when we see them on our walks around the block , and as I 've mentioned before , Ray remembers things like this . He LOVES baby boys and , in particular , this baby boy . So , despite the costume that Ray had to wear for 10 minutes , he had a very good Halloween . He got to see his best friend and lick his favorite baby . A very good day indeed . Remember Bess and Beverly , the vision - impaired Cocker Spaniels adopted by a co - worker of my sister , Kathy ? ( If not click on the link to see the posting ) . Well , Cheryl , who adopted Bess and Beverly , was contacted by the rescue society when Blanche , a sibling of Bess and Beverly needed a foster home while her owner recovers from a medical problem . For those of you who have been wondering about Bess and Beverly ( I know I 'm always asking my sister about them ) , here 's an update from Cheryl about the dogs . Bess , Beverly and Blanche are sisters that were rescued from a puppy - mill in Kansas in Oct 2009 . Blanche was adopted soon after because she had no health issues at the time . My husband and I adopted Bess and Beverly in April 2010 . Since they both have health issues ; cataracts for both , glaucoma and blindness in one eye for Bess , and occasional seizures for Beverly , they were harder to adopt . We got them and have loved every day with them ! A couple of weeks ago the rescue contacted to us regarding Blanche . Her owner had suffered a stroke and the rescue had agreed to foster Blanche . They were having a hard time finding someone to foster Blanche because she now has health issues - cataracts , partial blindness and an occasional seizures . No problem for us ! We have had Blanche now for a week and have come to love her as much as our other two . More than likely we will end up being her forever home also ! The reason they are posted here ; their adoption was inspired by Ray the Blind Dog . Cheryl is my hero . Bess , Blanche , and BeverlyThe Visual Definition of the Word " Dogpile " Blanche I have to say , that I have always been appalled at people who dress their dogs ( and cats ) in humiliating costumes . So it really pains me to admit that I have become such a person . I can 't help myself . The minute the air starts to get a little cooler , my thoughts turn to Halloween and what I can do to my wonderfully - passive , 4 - legged mannequin , Ray . He is such a good dog . He will stand stock still while I fit and pin and mark whatever fabric I 'm using to make him into whatever alter ego I have chosen for the year , and will goodnaturedly wear it to the neighbors to show off . But this year , even I have to admit that maybe I went a little too far . Turning Ray into a . . . Well , see for yourself . Last evening while I was making rumbledethumps for dinner , Moonie came down to join me in the kitchen . Lately , for some reason , both of the cats have been coming out more in the evening . Hugo was sitting at the foot of the stairs , Moonie was sitting in front of Ray 's water dish getting ready to take a drink . Ray was ' asleep ' on the couch in the adjoining living room . I heard the faint jingle of dog tags and looked up to see Ray stealthily get down off of the couch and head towards Moonie who was sitting with her back to him , oblivious to his movement . Ray tiptoed toward the cat , his head down , ears deployed in full dumbo mode . I wasn 't sure what to do . I didn 't want to make any sudden movement which would alarm Moonie and set her racing for the stairs . I stayed still , ready to spring into action if need be . Ray slowly walked up to Moonie , nudged her with his nose , then pulled his head back and waited for her reaction ( which is usually an instantaneous and dramatic flight ) . Startled , Moonie turned to see the dog at her side , his head easily as big as her entire self , then took a slow step away and casually trotted to the foot of the stairs . Hugo ran from the bottom of the stairs up to the landing then stopped there and waited to see what would happen . " Go to bed , Ray , " I said . Ray moseyed on over to his bed and curled up . I celebrated the minor victory for about half an hour until Ray ruined his good - dogginess by getting out of bed every ten minutes or so to search for the cats while we ate dinner . They 're on to him though . They laid low , watching him from the couch until he settled down . Progress . The doctor walked into the office , looked at Ray and smiled . " He looks like he 's looking right at you , " she said , " It 's pretty amazing . But dogs compensate so well with their sense of smell . " " That 's because the retina in that eye is flopped over , " said the doctor . " So the top part is folded over the bottom part . " She peered into Ray 's right eye with her scope . Ray lay passively flopped out on the floor . " I know you can see something , " she said to Ray , " But I really don 't know how . But I guess I don 't have to know , do I Ray ? As long as you know . " " He 's three , " I replied , slightly stunned . I wasn 't sure how I felt about someone taking Ray 's eyes when he died . " Oh , " she said , " Then it won 't be for a long time . " The doctor was checking Ray 's eye pressure . " The pressure is up in his left eye . It 's over 30 . It should be in the teens . I 'll prescribe some drops . You 'll need to give them to him once a day . If you notice him rubbing his eye or if it 's weepy you should up it to twice a day . I think he 's probably a pretty tough dog so don 't wait to see me to get the OK , just do it , and come in when you can to get him rechecked . But definitely come back in 3 - 4 months . He 's getting a cataract in that eye , so it might turn totally white . " Ray was stretched out on the floor . Still totally relaxed . The only thing moving were his eyebrows . " Ray , you are such a good dog . Do you want a treat ? " asked the doctor . At the word treat , Ray 's head lifted from the floor . The doctor wedged a little dog biscuit between Ray 's teeth . Ray just lay there with it sticking out of the corner of his mouth . I laughed . I knew what was coming next . Without moving his head , Ray let the vile thing drop from his jaws and onto the linoleum . The doctor shook her head and smiled I paid my bill , collected Ray 's drops , and left . On the drive home , all I could think about was donating Ray 's eyes to science . I wasn 't sure how I felt about it . I 'm still not . Posted by The football team of our local high school , which is about half a mile from our house , has been in a slump . Last night they scored a touchdown ( and won the game ) . I know this because when Ray ran out of the house and to the fence , yelling , I followed him outside and could hear the crowd cheering and the announcer call " TOUCHDOWN ! " The band was playing . Ray was dancing along the fence , going crazy along with the crowd . I retrieved my hound , brought him inside , locked the dog door so that Ray couldn 't get back out , and went upstairs to brush my teeth . Ray stayed downstairs and yelled . And yelled . And yelled . He came upstairs to yell some more . I finished brushing my teeth and washed my face . Ray was still yelling . My dog always surprises me . I had absolutely NO idea that he was such a football fan . Posted by It was 6 : 30 in the morning , dark , and raining . Ray the Blind Dog scratched on the bedroom door signaling his desire to go out and pee . I crawled out of bed , gently retrieved my sandals , and quietly exited the room so as not to wake my lovely husband . I fumbled around with the umbrella , flashlight , and dog leash . ( It is inadvisable to let Ray out unattended first thing in the morning . He likes to trumpet the dawn . ) We exited and Ray quickly identified the correct place to pee . Usually , this a pretty involved process but since he really doesn 't like being rained on first thing in the morning , his brain - box was firing on all cylinders . We returned to the kitchen , I toweled off Ray 's feet , gave the rest of him a quick rubdown , and turned him lose . He meandered off to bed . After a few minutes , I followed him and laid down on one section of the L - shaped couch for a few more minutes of sleep . I could hear Ray licking himself dry . He was busy for a good ten minutes and I thought I was in the clear but the minute he finished , Ray headed over to try to convince me to move my feet so that he could sleep with me . As I 've mentioned in previous blogs , it is extreeeeemly difficult to get comfortable with a 68 pound dog sharing a narrow sleeping space , so I pretended to be asleep and didn 't move a muscle . Ray stood his front feet on the edge of the couch and pawed at the afghan covering my legs . I didn 't budge . He jumped his feet down and moved over a foot to do the same at my waist . I didn 't budge . He jumped his feet down and moved to my head . Ray lay his head down on my shoulder , his nose a breath 's distance from my cheek . I didn 't budge . He gave a little whine then climbed up on the other section of the L . He turned a few circles and was using his nose to shift things around to his liking . I was just congratulating myself on the success of my strategy when a pillow landed on my face , then another one on my head . Ray climbed back down off his section of the couch , went back to my feet , and pawed at the afghan again . Point takeRay the Blind Dog When Gregg and I lived in Thailand , we had a cat that we brought with us . The very first time she walked out onto the balcony that was attached to our bedroom , a lizard dropped onto her head . For the next two years , every time she walked out onto the balcony , our cat , Ruhe , would look up the minute she set a paw out that door to see if another lizard was going to hit her in the head . So I know that cats never forget anything . Ray has shown me that dogs have similar memories . Every time we stop at a random person 's house to chat ( usually they initiate a conversation about my nice looking dog ) , Ray remembers the house . And every time we pass the house when we walk that same route , Ray 's tail will start to wag when we approach the house and , if no one is outside , he will try to stall when we get there to see if someone will come out . He remembers that there is a nice person that lives in that house , someone who will pet him , or talk to him , or give him a bellyrub . We may have stopped there only once in the two years that Ray has been with us , but Ray remembers . It 's amazing , really . Ray has a memory like a cat . Posted by I have concluded that it is just as difficult to train an adult male to leave his bathroom door closed as it is to train a blind hounddog to stay out of a trashcan that contains interesting medical waste . After spending the last week or two dragging Ray 's head out of Gregg 's bathroom trashcan and telling him to " STAY OUT OF THE TRASH " ( and removing shoes from his mouth ) , I decided that a new , covered trashcan was in order and that Ray needed serious off - leash exercise with his old friend , Murphy . ( The dogpark is too muddy from all the rain . ) I called Rachel . After a brief conversation and some emails it was agreed that on Sunday afternoon , she and Josh would take Marvelous Marva out for lunch , pick up Ray afterwards , and take him home with them . Ray could play with Murphy for a couple of hours while I shopped and ran errands , and then I would drive out to their house to pick him up ( it 's about an hour away ) . All went as planned . Ray was at the door and attempting to dig his way out before his old friends even had a chance to knock . He went off with them , tail wagging wildly , without a backward glance . I went to pick him up three hours later ; he and Murphy were still having a good time . We miss Murphy ( and Josh and Rachel ) . Although not so much the mud she drags around in her hula skirt . Gonna get ya ! ZoomZOOM ZOOMPigpen We were starting out for a 2 + miler . We had only gotten about a block away when I saw a white blur out of the corner of my eye . I turned to look and saw Lexie following us , a little , mixed - breed , ankle - biter that lives in the house on the corner . Usually she 's a yapping ball of fury and literally bites Ray 's ankles . He is terrified of her . I glanced down the block at Lexie 's house and saw that the gate was open . I bent down and called to her . Lexie un - agressively trotted up and allowed me to gently scoop her up onto one arm . She was shivering . Ray stood docily at the end of his leash , oblivious that his nemesis was nearby . We turned back down the street , and walked face - first into the cold wind . Still shivering with her little white ears flapping out behind her from the brisk breeze , Lexie started doing the mid - air dog paddle . She paddled herself all the way home . Huh , I thought to myself , never seen that before . Posted by Ray was being bad . Over an hour at the dog park just wasn 't enough to shake the fidgets out of him . He was following me around , whining , then when I obviously wasn 't paying attention , he went to the front hall and made a big show out of eating one of my running shoes ; tossing it around , pretending ( my interpretation ) to chew it up . He knows this ALWAYS gets a reaction and was trying to entice me to take him around the block . I grabbed the shoe out of his mouth and tapped his butt with it . Ray looked surprised . I usually just take the shoe and throw it back on the pile next to the door but he was on my last nerve . Ray laid down in the hall , his eyebrows doing the dance . I resisted as long as I could , then grabbed the leash and around the block we went . He has trained me ever so much better than I have trained him . Later in the day , I passed him , again in the front hall . This time he was playing with one of my socks . He had it dangling from his mouth , then went down in the dog - play stance , forelegs down , butt up . I just knew he was taunting me , daring me to tap his butt with a sock . He 's not stupid , my dog . He knows I can 't do anything with a sock . I laughed and grabbed his leash . . . . I was shoving scented , fabric - softener dryer sheets in my running shoes . Ray and I had walked around the lake the day before and they had been covered in mud by the time we got home . I rinsed them off with the hose and put them in the laundry room to dry . The mud had been smelly and now my shoes reeked . I was attempting to un - stink them the lazy - man way . Ray followed me into the laundry room , snatched one of the dryer sheets out of the shoes , waved it up and down a couple of times then dropped it on the floor . I watched as his front legs started to buckle . He was going down for a roll on the sheet . I grabbed Ray 's collar and pulled him out of the room . Later the same day , I was ' working ' in my office . I heard Ray rummaging around the linen closet . I walked out of my office just in time to see him heading for the stairs with a still - wrapped bar of soap in his mouth . I 'm starting to think that Ray is trying to tell me something . Maybe this weekend I 'll give him a bath . Tropical Storm Lee stalled over Northern Virginia last week . The hype surrounding Hurricane Irene 's arrival a few weeks ago was intense . In contrast , Lee came in practically unannounced and caused an amazing amount of flooding . The only reason I mention it is because our little lake flooded . Bigtime . The same storm that did this ( click this for a short video ) to our backyard , made the lake a very inhospitable place for Ray and I to take a walk . It wasn 't only the volume of water that caused problems , it was the after affects of the flood that caused Ray the most problems . Ray and I weren 't able to walk any of the trail until Monday when the water had finally receded . Because of the mud , we were only able to navigate a short section . The mud line on the trees along that section of the path was my eye level . On Tuesday we walked another section of the trail . The mud line there was higher , just above my head . Thursday we walked the final section , the mud line on the trees was higher than my arm could reach . Each time we walked , I noticed something unusual . Ray was weaving along the path like a drunk coming home late from a bar . At first I thought maybe it was just that there were so many new smells that he was trying to get to . But then I realized that it could be because everything smelled the same . Everything was covered with a layer of mud ; from the leaves on the trees to the grass on the ground and whatever scents Ray uses to navigate his way around the lake probably weren 't there . For a dog totally dependent on his nose to see , it was like taking a walk in the darkIt didn 't stop him though . Didn 't even slow him down . He just got twice as much exercise with all his weaving . The trail is on the far side of the shrubs ( about 10 feet high ) that are ' floating ' in the lake . Notice the mud - covered benches ( one is still wet , the other dry ) . The trail , in this photo , is on the far side of the ball field Posted by I couldn 't stop laughing . I had stopped by the vet to get some more betadine spray for Ray 's hot spot ( which he will NOT leave alone . ) I 've been loathe to put a satellite dish ( Elizabethan collar ) on him because I figure , Blind Dog + Satellite Dish = YIKES . The vet tech there recommended an alternative . " It 's like an inflatable donut that goes around the dog 's neck , " he said . " It might work better for Ray . " " That 's right , " added the receptionist , " One of our customer 's gets it for his Basset Hound . His dog is so low to the ground that the Elizabethan collar acted like a bulldozer and was always scooping up dirt . So he got one of the donuts . " So I ran out to PetSmart , picked one up , brought it home , and blew it up . It was now resting snugly around Ray 's neck . Ray acted like I 'd glued his feet to the floor . I was laughing . " What ? " said Gregg . I just laughed more and pointed . Gregg extracted himself from the recliner and came to see . " Abandon ship , Ray . Save yourself . " said Gregg to the miserable dog . Did we hit an iceberg ? I went to get some treats to see if I could convince my dog to move ( and to get my phone so that I could take a picture ) . Ray moved a few feet to take the treat but still looked miserable . He climbed up on the couch and tried to curl up . I laughed some more . I couldn 't help myself . Gregg looked at the unhappy hound . " Don 't worry , Ray , it 's only a ( lifeboat ) drill , " he said . Sunday was the end - of - summer dog - swim at our local pool . I had debated about going since Gregg couldn 't get in the water with Ray , and because it had been raining off and on most of the day . But at the last minute , I decided that since Ray always seems to have such a good time at the dog swim , that I , myself , would don a bathing suit and take him . I convinced Gregg to come along and sit on the sidelines and enjoy the show . We arrived about 10 minutes early and were the first ones there . I was worried that we would be the only ones at the swim because of the weather , but the pool president assured me that he had received " about 9 phone calls in the last few minutes " asking if the swim was still on . The words were no sooner out of his mouth when the dogs with their people started streaming in . Ray , as always , was excited . I took him around to meet all the dogs as they arrived then waited by the gate for the grand opening . They slipped the chain and lock off of the gate , and Ray dragged me through . Gregg grabbed a chair far enough away from the action to be out of the way of rampaging dogs and milling people but close enough to still enjoy the view . Ray was quiet until he heard the first splash . Then all hell broke loose . I think I 've mentioned before that Ray has two yells . One is for everyday and announces things of import like , " I 'm here ! I 've just pooped ! My family is home ! I think someone is having a party ! It 's morning ! It 's night ! I think a cat just walked through the yard ! " and things of that ilk . This yell , if performed inside the house , raises the roof approximately 6 inches . Ray 's other yell , which comes from somewhere deeeeeeeep within , is for things of much , much , much more importance , like " I 'm pretty sure a fox is directly on the other side of this fence ! " or " I 'm pretty sure a raccoon is directly on the other side of this fence ! " or " I think I can give this nervous little dog a heart attack if I yell really , really loud ! " It is estimated that this yell can raise the roof on the house by 5 - 6 feet ( he Ray the Blind Dog Ray has a new girlfriend . Ray 's girlfriends never seem to have anything in common . Murphy is fast , rough , and a ball of energy . Halle is tall , leggy , and calm . The rottweiler next door to my parents in SC is dark , exotic , and menacing . The only thing the girls have in common is that they are totally uninterested in Ray . Sasha is the only girl that is totally infatuated with Ray , and he will have nothing to do with her anymore ( it 's heartbreaking ) . This girl is no different . She 's a tiny , chubby Chihuahua with bulging eyes and bow legs . The little spitfire hurls insults through the window at us every time we pass Ken 's house where she stays during the day while his daughter is away at work . Ray worships her from afar . Every day as we near the house , Ray 's tail starts to wag and he pulls at the leash to get closer to Peanut 's window . Peanut pops up , shrilly yips out a few epithets and pops back down . Pops up , yips , pops down . Pops up , yips , pops down . Ray is entranced by the sound of her voice . Yesterday , as we were walking around the block , we met Ken with his old husky , Miko , on one leash and Peanut on another . Ray was thrilled when he realized Miko was there ( he loves this old dog ) . Then went into sheer ecstasy when he found a Peanut . He totally abased himself for the little girl ; got down on his belly and tried to lick her face . Peanut turned a walked away . Ray tried crawling a bit to get closer to her but Peanut would have none of him . Ray , being used to this type of treatment from his girls decided just being in her presence was enough . We turned and joined Ken for the rest of our walk . Ray was bored . It had been raining for awhile and he was bored . Luckily , the day before , I had finished work on Ray 's latest raincoat . It had occurred to me in the spring that he needed one without a lining for downpours when it 's warm . So I cut the bottom off of an old australian duster and turned it into the perfect thing for braving Hurricane Irene . We went for a walk around the block . By the time we got home , the only thing wet on Ray were his feet and head . Now , I just need to figure out how to make him a hat . . . Please , can I take it off now ? Hurricane Irene was on her way . I headed out back followed by my trusty hound . I thought it might be a good idea , before the storm hit , to fill in the graves along the foundation that extend almost the entire length of the house . I went to the shed and grabbed a shovel , a tamper , a hoe , and some pruners . I pruned some of the vegetation out of the way , loosened up some of the compacted dirt with the hoe and shoveled it into the first grave with the shovel . I tamped it down as good as I could , then took my shovel , hoe , and pruners and moved on to the next grave . When that was filled , I went back to the first grave to retrieve my tamper and found a hound dog rapidly re - excavating his hole . I yelled , " HEY , GET OUT OF THERE , " and grabbed the bad dog 's collar and dragged him away . I picked up my tamper , re - tamped the dirt in the first hole and returned to the second , where I found Ray re - excavating his grave . With a serious case of deja vu , I yelled , " HEY , GET OUT OF THERE , " grabbed the bad dog 's collar and dragged him away . I tamped the dirt down and moved on to the third grave . I kept a wary eye on Ray while working on the third grave . Until I forgot . The sound of dirt clods flying reminded me that there was a gravedigger on the loose . I grabbed his collar , led him to the kitchen and turned my helpful dog over to Gregg . " Could you close the dog door , " I asked . I heard it thunk shut as I returned to finish my task . Posted by I had just reassembled Ray 's bed after wash day . I walked back through the front hall where Ray was sprawled out doing his best imitation of a dead dog . " Oh no , " I cried facetiously , " I think my dog is dead . " I bent over Ray , put my hand on his side and said " Are you OK Ray ? " Ray weakly raised his front paw an inch or two to expose a little bit of his belly . Only a belly rub could save him now . I scrubbed him up a bit and continued on my way . Ray 's front leg slowly repositioned itself and he returned to dead dog mode . Posted by For all his being able to trip me up on a walk ( tip - do not use a very short leash when walking a blind hound ) , Ray is not one to get underfoot when he is being fed . Although , in the interests of full disclosure , when I first brought him home Ray would be right by my side when his food would come out of the cupboard . Now , when he hears his food container , Ray goes to a spot in the living room and waits , head cocked , listening . He starts out a few paces away and listens while I put the crunchies in his bowl . Then he when he hears the top of the can come off , he moves a little closer . I never actually see him move , he is just all of a sudden there . And when his bowl hits the floor , Ray is ready , in place , patiently waiting for his dinner . I needed to get to work but first I needed to take Ray for a quick walk around the block . I grabbed his leash off of the hook where it hangs . Usually the noise of the leash being picked off its hook is enough to get Ray moving , but he knew that today he was going to daycare ( he can tell the difference between getting ready for work and getting ready to walk around the lake ) and was comfily curled up on his favorite chair . " C ' mon Ray let 's go for a walk , " I said to my hound . Ray didn 't move although those tell - tale eyebrows were doing the dance showing that he had heard me . " C ' mon Ray , don 't you want to go for a walk ? " I asked . Ray pretended not to hear . " Let 's go Ray , " I said sternly . Ray buried his nose further into his tail to show me that he was perfectly fine right where he was , thank - you - very - much . " Ray , come , " I said commandingly . Ray didn 't move a muscle . I gracefully accepted defeat ( for the moment ) and sat back down with a cup of coffee . To paraphrase Malcolm Forbes , " Coffee is sweetest when you 've known defeat . " ( Ok , so he was talking about victory , but coffee works very well in this context ) . Monkey Butt . That 's what the vet called it when she had to shave a hotspot on Ray 's rear end . I 've never seen a dog with such single - minded determination to lick himself raw . The vet said that hotspots in dogs are very common this time of year . So she gave him a shot and sent him home with some ointment . Seems to be working a bit already although he is still one miserable dog . It was hot and steamy . A typical Northern Virginia day . Ray and I were dragging around the lake . A 20 something girl was approaching . As she neared , she got a smile on her face . " Nice . . , " she said . I started to swell with pride as I usually do when someone is complimenting my dog . " . . . shorts , " she finished . I deflated a bit but then realized I , myself , had just received a compliment from a YOUNG person . I spent the rest of the walk wondering if she was being sarcastic . It was Sunday night . I had spent the last two days ( off and on ) under Greggie 's sink and had finally ( I think ) managed to get it working without any leaks ( after replacing every single part but one ) . I came downstairs . When I entered the kitchen , Greggie humorously started singing " You will alwwways be my heeero " and gave me a hug for fixing his bathroom . All of a sudden , Ray rushed down the stairs , right through my legs , out the dog door , and into the back yard , howling . We both started laughing at Ray 's extreme reaction to Gregg 's rendition of Wind Beneath My Wings ( although , truthfully , Gregg 's singing does tend to make my ears bleed just a bit and just for the record he was absolutely appalled when he found out that he was singing Wind Beneath my Wings ) . I opened the back door and yelled " Oh , come on , it wasn 't that bad ! " Ray was at the fence , dancing back and forth , yelling . I was laughing . Gregg was laughing . I walked out into the back yard , " C ' mon Ray , don 't you like your dad 's singing ? " I asked . I heard a thump . The guy next door was closing his shed door . Ray was at the fence yelling and yelling ( the neighbors are new and Ray is not too sure about them ) . I had told the man to just talk to Ray to stop him from yelling at him . " It 's just me , Ray , " he said helpfully . Ray 's tail wagged a bit uncertainly , then he started yelling again . Gregg came outside , too . " C ' mon in Raylin , " he said , " ' Top Shot ' is on and we can watch it together . You can see all kinds of ways to kill a coon . " Ray snorted in disgust as the coward next door went into his house . He stood at the fence a minute more to make sure the guy wasn 't coming back out , then , job done , came inside and headed for his bed . Gregg and I laughed again . " I 'm going to blog , " I said . " Make sure that people know I listen to the Cure and the Clash and not Bette Midler , " said Gregg . Posted by It turns out that Ray is as good at plumbing as he is at odd - jobs . Today , Gregg 's sink was stopped up so he decided that , before he becomes a complete mess , he would try to fix it . This turned out to be a really bad idea as plumbing and feeding tubes do not mix . While Gregg was able to take the pipes under the sink apart ( and clean them out ) , by the time he ready to put them back together , he couldn 't . So while Greggie recuperated from his plumbing , Ray and I took on the sink . I have to say that plumbing is one of those things that I hate to do . Not so much because it 's difficult ( even though it is ) but because it never goes smoothly , is always in a cramped uncomfortable place , and always takes two or more trips to the hardware store . This time was no exception . But having Ray around made thing so much better . Every time I came out from under the sink , Ray was right there ( with his head in the trash ) to support me . When I needed the teflon tape , Ray was ready with it in his mouth ( headed down the hall ) . When I was at my wits end and ready to throw in the towel , Ray was there ( inches from my face ) with his favorite toy ready to distract me . Ray is such a natural at plumbing that , after today , I was seriously thinking of apprenticing him out . There 's only one problem with that . Ray doesn 't have a butt crack . Yesterday , Deborah came by with Ray 's supermodel girlfriend , Halle . Gregg was sitting on the front porch and I was standing at the front door holding it open . As Halle got even with our house , her ears pricked straight up and she did a little skip . Deborah let go of Halle 's leash and Halle scampered up to the door and into the house . Ray , who had been standing at the front door with a bone in his mouth trying to entice me in , turned an excited circle on the floor . His girlfriend had come to see HIM . Still holding the bone in his mouth , Ray excitedly tried to get Halle to play . He did a little bow and a little jump . Halle ignored him ( she doesn 't know how to play ) . Ray bowed again , staying in position with his tail wagging madly . Halle , acting bored , found Ray 's food bowl and helped herself to a snack . Ray pranced around in the background with his bone . Halle ignored him . She went to his toybox where she had found a magical rib bone the last time she had visited , then spied Ray 's long , tubular , dried cow - part laying on the rug nearby . She happily picked it up and settled down for a chew . Ray stood nervously by with his bone in his mouth , listening . Once he was sure that Halle wasn 't planning a sneak attack on him , Ray left the supermodel to her Twiggy - sized bone and settled down next to her with his more manly - sized rawhide . They chewed in companionable silence ( except for typical gnawing noises ) , their tails crossed romantically , while Deborah and I chatted . It didn 't take Halle long to chew the dried cow - part down to a nub . Deborah clipped the leggy greyhound to her leash and got ready to leave . " You might as well take that with you , " I said , pointing to the remaining 3 or 4 inches of the soggy , icky thing . Deborah gingerly picked up the cow - part and dangled it between thumb and forefinger . " I 'm pretty sure Ray won 't miss it , " I said , knowing that he would want his special girlfriend to have the rest of it as a parting gift . And , really , what girl wouldn 't be impressed at the selfless act of a hound dog giving up a loPosted by One thing that I have noticed that Ray and Hugo have in common is the simple pleasure they get out tiny little acts of total autonomy . With Hugo , it 's getting to stick his paw in the bag of cat treats and help himself to one ( or two ) . With Ray , it 's when we return home from a walk , are only separated from the house by the front yard , and I turn him loose so that he can gallop up to the front door alone . ( Granted , Ray does sometimes end up in the shrubbery to the left of the front door , but he self corrects and finds his way . ) Both Hugo and Ray LOVE being able to do these things by themselves without any help from humans . Such small things , and such a fleeting moment of happiness . Something that we wouldn 't give a second thought to . I think it 's the complete autonomy of the act that makes them so happy . Of course , in Hugo 's case it may be just the fact that he gets to help himself to more food . But in Ray 's case ? Is it being trusted enough to be turned off - leash for a moment ? Is it having a home that he likes going to ? Or is it just knowing where the front door is that makes him so happy ? This evening my lovely husband and I were having cocktails with the couple across the street . That would be Sandra ( who owns Maddie , the Cocker Spaniel ) and her hubbie , Dick . We were on their screened - in porch drinking Margaritas and chatting . Ray was passed out on the deck . Maddie was trying to cadge food from Dick . We were all having a good time . When we got ready to leave , Dick called Ray over for a goodbye . As usual , Ray went up to give Dick a kiss on the ear . And as usual , Dick said to me " You 've done a good job with him . " Makes me glow every time . Posted by Boxers are hands - y ( paws - y ? ) , high energy , spastic dogs ( if you disagree , that 's ok , I 'm sure there are exceptions ) . Where other dogs play by biting each other on the neck or wrestling . Boxers smack their playmates with their paws - hence the name . Today , just as we were finishing up our walk around the lake , Ray met a 10 month old , deaf , white Boxer named Bella . Bella , being a bouncy , young dog wanted to play with my blind hound . Ray , being an agreeable sort , seemed fine with the idea until he was at the receiving end of a couple of quick jabs to the torso and a right hook to the head . Ray growled to let the young lass know that she was out of bounds . Bella not hearing a thing delivered a jab to Ray 's snozz . Ray , feeling like he was under attack , let loose with a warning AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOO , AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO . The deaf dog must have felt the vibrations in her innards ( I know I did ) and flattened herself on the ground . She recovered quickly and tried to deliver a couple more quick punches but by this time , both her owner and I thought maybe separation was a better idea . Obviously , the blind dog couldn 't tell that the deaf dog was only playing and the deaf dog couldn 't tell that the blind dog was delivering a warning . Not a good match . Posted by I was at daycare waiting for Ray . A young man at the counter was talking to Kristen , the Just Fur Pets manager . At his feet was a plastic bin filled with unidentified , dried cow - parts in plastic bags . He was pedaling his wares . " Dogs love these , " he said , holding out a bag of long , thin , tubular thingies . Kristin took the bag and examined the contents . He bent over the bin and rooted through it a bit and brought out another bag of thingies . " These are another favorite , " he said . " I 've never met a dog that didn 't like these . " Just then Ray was led out by one of the guys that works at the daycare . Ray immediately headed to the bin and stuck his head in , sniffing interestedly . " Now there 's a dog with perfect timing , " said the dried - cow - part salesman . He zipped open the bag with the long , thin , tubular thingies , extracted one and held it out in Ray 's general direction . Ray , being a blind dog , didn 't see anything and so didn 't try to take it from the young man 's hand . The young man looked a bit confused . I put my hands on either side of Ray 's face and turned it so that the cow - part was right under his nose . " Ray doesn 't see , " said Kristen to the cow - part salesman who looked even more confused . Ray gingerly took the long , thin thingy , turned his head a fraction and dropped it on the floor , disdain writ large on his face . I started laughingThe dried - cow - part salesman looked slightly stunned and a bit nonplussed . He turned back to Kristen . " Of course I can 't guarantee that 100 percent of dogs will like them , " he said with a grin . " But nine out of 10 dogs do . " He bent over his plastic bin and came out with another plastic bag . He zipped the bag open and this time extracted a dried part that looked like beef jerky . " Dogs love these , " he said holding the jerky in Ray 's direction , " Try this . " I again took Ray 's head and turned it in the direction of the jerky . Ray took it in his teeth , turned a fraction of an inch and dropped it on the floor . I couldn 't stop laughing . Kristen was laughing too . She 's seen Ray do the exact same tRay the Blind Dog My name is Ray the Blind Dog . I 'm a Redtick Coonhound that was born blind in July 2008 . I 'm named after my blind counterpart Ray Charles . I joined a family of 2 cats and 2 humans in June of 2009 . I want to show everyone how well I get along in this world and let my friends know how I 'm doing . Please feel free to add remarks or share your experiences in the comment box . We all want to know what you think . |
We have a couple of big boys and crib climber - outers . Last Wednesday they both made a break for it . They escaped while I was refilling bottles and took off for mommy who wad in bed . The following night , we converted their cribs to toddler beds . We got a gate for their door and new bedspreads . Jacob has Mickey set , which he picked out and Jasper has Cars , which he picked out . Bedtime has been challenge but not as bad as nap time . I have been staying in the room with them between their beds trying to keep them in their beds . I 'm doing that right now while they 're drinking their bottles . The rule is that they have to keep their booties in bed . Jasper has been laying his head on my lap while the rest of his body stays in the crib . Jacob likes to take off as soon as he notices I 'm distracted with Jasper . Jacob also lays diagonally by the bars of his bed and slowly moves his legs over the bars till he 's off the bed . Super cute but ornery ! I have been able to get them to sleep at night but haven 't been lucky with nap . I gave up the last two days and put a movie on till they falls asleep . Today however is the first day I got them to nap ! ! Yay ! ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone The boys are finally feeling better . They had a rough few days but they both seem to be feeling better . Jacob still has his moments where he just wants to be held . Jasper seems like he back to normal . With them being sick , they barely slept in their cribs . We all thought they would have a hard time going to their cribs but apparently we are wrong . They have been going to their cribs for both nap and bedtime with barely any issue . Jacob had been waking up in the middle of the night and I had just been taking him to bed with Joy and I . However last night he slept all night in his crib . Last night , Jasper woke up crying a couple times . I was able to rub his back till he laid back down and went to sleep . This morning , he woke up again crying and Joy brought him to bed with her . She said he held on to her so tight and went back to sleep . Last night , Joy and I worked on their Christmas presents . We set up their lego - like block and made a castle . To be honest it was a lot of fun . Almost want to go up there and make a new one , I guess the kid in me came out . I bet the boys will get much enjoyment out of them . I also set the boys toy drum set . Joy did such a great job upstairs ! It looks amazing ! The boys are gonna get such enjoyment out of their new playroom ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone For the first time , the boys are sick ! They lasted this long without getting sick which is great . Sadly , sickness has caught up them . Jasper seems to have gotten it first and worse than Jacob . It stated the other night when Jasper throw up in crib . Since then , he has developed a cough and has been sluggish . Jacob has developed the cough too and is also sluggish . They both have had a hard time keeping food down , though I think might be coming up when they cough rather than a flu like symptom . They have spent the last few days watching movies and sleeping on the couch . Joy put the laptop in their room so they can chill and watch movies from their crib . They haven 't slept much in their cribs . Joy has been taking one ( usually Jasper ) in bed with her and I have been taking the other ( usually Jacob ) on the couch . Jacob has been my little dude the whole time . He wants held a lot by me and to be around . Jasper is the same way with Joy and Grandma . Joy 's mom has been staying with us all weekend . Jasper has been loving it . He got all giddy when she walked in the door Saturday morning . I hope the boys feel better soon ! ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone The boys had their 18th month check up on Friday and with the exception of flu shots , they are done with shots until they 're 4 ! Yay ! Next time we go in , Jasper will be on the big boy scale for sure . He was 29 pounds and the scale goes up to 30 . I 'm sure Jacob will to as he is just a little below him . The poor dudes knew exactly what the examination table was used for and freaked every time they had to get on it . They only needed one shot and it wasn 't too bad . It 's still hard holding them still while they get pricked . I held Jasper who looked me in the eye with horror . Joy had Jacob who tried to flip over and crawl away . The nurse we had was really nice . She gave them little books which they loved . She stuck around afterwards to wave goodbye which I think was very helpful . When we got home they took a nap . Joy had to work with her cookie business all weekend , so it was mostly just me and boys . I worked on words with the boys . Explaining what everything is . I got several books from library that we read and they looked through . We played a lot of ball , listened to music , ran around , and played with toys . They loved trying to pull the lights off the Christmas tree and almost making it fall . Tonight , i took the lights off the bottom of the tree . So we have a half decorated tree . It was a great weekend . Really nice to spend some one on two time . Though , I wish Joy could have been with us . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone We celebrated Thanksgiving with Joy 's mom and brother at her mom 's apartment . The boys were a little unsure of Joy 's brother at first . During the meal , Jasper sat at the end of the table with me on one side and Joy 's brother on the other . Jasper turned his back to him and was trying to not to look at him . Jacob was on the other end of the table being fed by Joy 's mom . Eventually , they both warmed up to Joy 's brother . Jacob spend most of the time there sitting with him watching the parade and dog show . Jasper went off into the kitchen to be with grandma . I kinda dozed off a little . After that , Joy 's mom came over our house so Joy and I could black Friday shop . We did great . The boys are gonna have a great Christmas ! Friday night , my parents joined us for the tree festival at the convention center in Akron and the tree lighting with fireworks at lock 3 . The trees were really neat at the convention center . One was made up with Beatles records that I really liked . We missed the lighting of the tree at lock 3 but caught the fireworks . The boys seemed to have a good time . We also put our tree up Friday . The boys have enjoyed taking the ornaments down ever since . Haha Saturday , we went to the Santa parade in Akron . The parade was a lot if fun . The boys waved at the police men . Jasper loved the corvettes and old cars that were in the parade . Jacob loved people watching , mainly the kid behind us . It was a great long weekend ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Today Joy suggested we hit the cuyahoga valley national park to let the boys walk around outside . She texted my mom so her and my dad could meet at the beaver marsh . We arrived first so we walked with the boys up to the marsh . Jacob did a great job at holding hands with mommy during the walk . I held Jasper 's hood because he 's not into holding hands . The boys loved looking at the marsh and the ducks but mostly loved walking . We hung out there for a while then walked back to meet my parents . The boys acted shy around my parents but warmed up to them later . When we walked back to the marsh , I held Jacob 's hand . When I looked back Jasper and my dad were holding hands . He held hands the rest of the way to the marsh . We were amazed . We hung out the marsh for awhile . The boys had fun with my dad who was goofing around with them . It was really nice being outside . I hope we get a few more chances before winter sets in . Tonight , we had a good chill out night . After they got up from their nap , we put on Monsters Inc for them and then after dinner Joy and I played with them on the rug . Jasper laid on my stomach and we did plenty of secret handshakes , fives , and patty cakes . Jacob was a little more into doing his own thing in the dining room but he would stop in from time to time for a secret handshake . Yesterday , Joy 's mom watched the boys while we went on a date to see Breaking Dawn . The boys got to stay up past their bed time and watched muppets christmas movies . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone One day this week , Joy took her mom home and I stayed at home with the boys . We started our dudes ' night by blasting a Beatles album on the record player . We had a little dance party . Jasper started clapping his hands but when he saw me looking at him , he stopped . Almost like " I wasn 't doing anything . " So cute ! I chased the boys around the house playing " get ' chew . " That game ended in the hallway when Jacob found the basketball . We played catch and I dribbled the ball back to them . Jacob was really good at throwing the ball back to me . I got a feeling he might be a sport dude . He threw the ball almost like how you 're supposed to throw a basketball . Jasper was laughing so hard . He came over to me so I asked for a high five . I then tried to give him a " secret handshake . " I helped him make a fist and then knocked the top , then the bottom and finally our knuckles . He thought it was funny . Now , when I ask for a " secret handshake " he makes a fist . One day while I was at work , Joy and her mom took the boys outside . At one point , Jacob took off to our neighbor 's yard . Our neighbor was mowing with his riding mowing . He took Jacob and let him steer the mower . Jacob had such a blast . Jasper got a chance too but Joy said he was a little more afraid . The picture above is from when the boys and I went giant eagle for milk . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone This year we celebrated Halloween by attending Akron 's Boo at the Zoo . We were characters from How to Train Your Dragon . Joy and I were the two main characters and the boys were dragons . Joy 's mom who was with us was a scarecrow . Joy 's mom made the boys their costumes from patterns we picked out . She did a great job ! They looked awesome and very cute ! Joy made her and I 's costume . We both made Viking helmets out of paper mâché . She ended up not wearing hers , so I did because it looked better than mine . It took the boys a minute to get used to their grandma in her costume . At one point , Jacob hid in the hallway only peeking out to look at her . They eventually warmed up before we got to the zoo . We set the boys loose at the zoo with Joy and I directly behind one . At first I was with Jacob and he did a great job at holding hands . Jasper wanted none of the hand holdings . Soon after I carried Jasper a lot so we could keep up with others . I did let Jasper wonder off enough till he found a blow up jack - o - lantern . He had so much fun pushing it and having it bounce back . Eventually Jacob joined in the fun . We then walked up to the petting zoo . The boys loved the goats ! They got up all close and personal with one on the other side of the gate . We had a good hand washing session afterwards . Our final stop at the zoo was one last walk through the jellies exhibit . We got tons of pictures while we were there . Mostly on Joy 's mom 's camera . I haven 't seen them yet but the ones we took are so cute ! I took off three days from work to celebrate Halloween and Joy 's birthday . During my time off , we enjoyed much time outside . The boys loved playing in the leaves for first time . We set them from free and they didn 't wander off too far . They had a blast ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Today the boys got to try out their Halloween costumes for grandma and grandpa . Tomorrow we are taking them to boo at the zoo . I can 't wait ! I 'm so excited to finally take them . We just finished watching Young Frankenstein which actually holds their attention . Great movie . The boys had fun at parents ' house today while Joy and I went out shopping . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone It got cold ! I got a feeling we will be in for a long winter . We didn 't get to take the boys to any parks this week . Instead , we spend most of our time in doors with the boys . Teething has been taking it 's toll on the boys . They have been a little more irritable and quick to cry or fight with each other . Jasper has had the most trouble trying to go sleep at night . It 's probably because I pulled him from his crib and brought him into our bedroom and tried to get him to go sleep . We then tried watching some tv but after that it seemed like sleep wasn 't going to happen . I ended up rocking him to sleep in the dining room in the dark , just like the old days . Like a switch , he was on and off , passed out . Didn 't even wake him putting him back in his crib . Jacob has been doing great with sleeping . Except for last night , he was usually out on his second bottle . He 's then been getting up early and spending some one - on - one time Joy before Jasper got up . Joy 's mom spend the weekend over . Saturday , Joy and I went out for a date . We went to the ledges to hike . We even got lost . It felt really nice . It was great spending some alone time with Joy and at the ledges . Such an amazing place ! This weekend , we 're going to my parents ' house for a family get together . So , I 'm not sure what do to about the boys room to keep it warm . Last year , I put plastic on the windows , but I did it on the outside . Eventually it fell off . I think possibly because I didn 't clean the frames well , where the tape went . A lot of cold air comes in from closet so I put a towel at the bottle last night . That seemed to help some . We 're thinking of getting a space heater to it warmed before bed but turn it off when they do . We don 't need no accidental fires ! The boys are still loving their toys ! They get so much enjoyment and even play independently with them . One the toys is a farm . I was playing with Jacob and putting a small stuffed bear in the window and then have him walking out the door . He got such a kick out of it , last night he was doing it himself ! We alsoPosted by Last Sunday , we took the boys to a park in Barberton with Joy 's mom and brother . Joy 's mom hadn 't been able to come over last week because she was working over time and Joy 's brother hadn 't seen the boys since last winter . The park was nice , they had a small jungle gym but little kids . We were able to let them climb and slide with supervision . They had a great time . Jacob wanted to wander around so I followed him as he went to discover the playground and baseball field . Jasper stayed at the jungle gym . I think he missed grandma . Later on , I think he thought it was time to go and got upset when Joy would come for him . We took them to the swings and then I was able to put him in stroller afterwards . We had lunch grandma 's house . She has ham and apple sauce for the boys . Joy peeled grapes for them . They both fell asleep in the car on the ride home but transitioned from car to crib failed to continue their nap . At home during the week , Joy 's aunt and uncle stopped by with Joy 's mom . They all had gone shopping and had brought tons of toys and clothes for the boys . The boys love their new toys and they 're playing with them more than had with other toys . They got a Thomas train station which they love . Although their favorite thing to do is dropping it off the coffee table . HeheI think the boys have a cold or their teeth hurt . They have been a been fussy this week . Last night , Jasper was in his crib with his fingers on his teeth and crying . Poor guy . I gave him some tylenol and some milk which helped him go to sleep . Joy and I started doing the " head shoulders knees and toes " song with the boys . They laugh so hard when guide them through the song . Jacob can find most of his body parts when we ask . We both think Jasper knows where some of his parts are but just doesn 't want to show us . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone This week I took on a new job at work which changed my hours . I now get to come home a little bit earlier . Which is great because we have been able to have dinner and hit the park before dark , which is now at 7pm . We hit the park on Tuesday and I had Jasper with me at first . I put him on the smaller slide and let him go . He went down the slide by himself with my hands right there just in case . He got the biggest kick out of it . We repeated this for a while and then later I did with Jacob . He loved it . They both laughed as they went down . I followed Jacob around most of the time at the park . He loves to follow the other kids and talk to them . He enjoyed climbing up the slide and steps to the jungle gym . We also walked across the wavey bridge holding hands . Jasper seemed to get really shy at park . At least the first time we went . Not sure if it was because his teeth hurt or not feeling good . He mostly stayed close to Joy and not wandering off too much . Yesterday when we went , Jasper was more active . Jacob continued to have a blast walking around following kids . Two girls were playing and he and Jasper walked up and Jacob started pointing at their toys and talking . It was so cute ! ! It really amazing me how much they are growing . They are defiantly more like toddlers now . I really think we are in for a ride . This weekend it 's supposed to be nice outside . I think we 're gonna milk it all we can . Tomorrow we might go a bike ride and Sunday we 're gonna hit a park with Joy 's mom and brother . - - the picture is from last weekend . I stayed home with the boys while Joy went out with her mom . I brought up a kid - sized guitar . They enjoyed hitting it mostly . We then played with a drum , jumped around , and danced to music till they got tired of hanging with daddy and went to play with farm toy . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Last weekend we hit the playgrounds . We went to the two elementary schools that are in our area . We set them free with one us following each . They have gotten so good at climbing . They climbed up the jungle gyms . We took them down the slides . And we swung them by holding them in our laps . It 's so amazing watching them grow . Pretty soon they should be talking with words . Joy sent me a chart with milestones today . It 's crazy how advanced they are . Pretty soon they should understand 200 words . That blows my mind . Right now the boys are at 16 month . . The chart Joy sent starts at 19 . At 19th months they should : Use a spoon and fork - - already do thatUnderstand 200 words - - not yetKnow when they pee - - Jasper takes off his diaper and hands it to Joy sometimes when it pees . At 20 months : Take off their clothes - - Jacob has been able to take his shirt off got awhile . Jasper just started this . Yesterday , Joy sent me a picture of Jasper with this shirt off and then short after a picture with Jacob standing on the coffee table with his shirt off . The next few months , I think the boys will be doing quite a bit of learning . It 's gonna be exciting ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone We are attempting to cut back the milk consumption for our boys . We go through about three gallons a milk a week , sometimes four . For some reason milk really helps them go to sleep at night and also nap time . I sometimes give them as much as two and half bottles at night . So it 's not wise to give the boys so much milk and with cost that goes into buying so much milk , we 're starting to cut back . We 've been working on giving them one bottle of milk and substituting the rest with water . Last night was the first night of success and I believe Joy had success during nap time . I think it 's the laying down to concentrate on drinking that helps them go into dream land . We tried water before but usually they ended up just spitting it out . Last night , Jasper was having so much fun taking his sheet off his bed . Joy and I were in the living room watching a movie while the boys were supposed to be sleeping but rather jumping and playing in their cribs . I heard Jasper pulling his sheet off and when I went in their room , Jacob was playing with Jasper 's sheet . They 're such good sharers . I had a hard time getting Jasper to keep his sheet on so I gave up putting the sheet back on . He eventually went to sleep without a sheet . I was able to put a sheet on his crib and move him without waking him , only minutes after he went to sleep . Either I 'm good or he was really tired . They are both doing a great job at talking . Still gibberish with an occasional " da da " or " ma ma " . This week Jacob started doing hand motions while he talks . It 's really cutest thing . Some of his hand motions look like gangsta symbols . Hehe Today , Joy said they all went to the store with Joy 's mom and Jacob was talking to everyone . Sometimes people would talk back . I wish I were there ! This week , they also advanced their climbing abilities . They can now climb up into their highchairs . They have also been able to release their trays . At one point , Jacob was climbing the high chair , holding on to the tray when Jasper released it on him . Jacob went falling down to the grouPosted by Tuesday , we took the boys on a walk or more like stroll for them around the neighborhood . We started by going to what might be there elementary school , case . We stopped there so Joy and I could vote in the primaries for our mayor . The school really reminds me of what my Elementary looked it . Kinda grungy . Joy said it was also similar to her school . It seems good though . I hope we can get them in new elementary on w market , we are gonna at least try . After we voted , we all sported voting stickers and walked over to the library . We picked out a bunch of board books for the boys . The boys played a little bit with the toys there from the stroller . The boys really like Suzy Goose book we got . I think Joy picked it out . It 's very interactive . It follows a goose who wants to be like someone else . Like a penguin that " slides , " a bat that " flaps his wings , " etc . The boys have fun running around the house and jumping as we read along . Jacob is doing a great job at finding his body parts . Yesterday , out of nowhere I asked him where his toes are and he showed me . We were amazed . I thought them both to shake my hand . They are also pros at high fives and giving skin . Yes , we 're bringing back " giving skin . " heheJasper has been my little buddy lately . He 's been giving me really tight hugs and wants picked up a lot . It seems they both take cycles like this . I love it . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone This week Joy made the boys pudding paints to play with . They are just pudding and food coloring so it 's totally safe for them to eat . We didn 't get to see them the first time they played with them . She left them with her mom as she watched them while we did a bikeathon . Luckily Joy 's mom took pictures . One night this week though , Joy gave them the paints after dinner . They loved it ! ! Jasper put them in his hair and Jacob spread them all over his tray and even wall . They both had a blast and even smiled for pictures . This week , we also had our first broken window . Luckily , Jasper wasn 't hurt as he was protected by the curtains . When we got the window fixed we had them put in plexiglass . It was a little more pricey but worth it . My mom said she had to do that for us because we were always pounding on the windows . Today , we took the boys to the zoo and let them walk around themselves . They did really good ! They didn 't even complain when it was time to go . Their favorite book right now is What Will Fat Cat Sit On . They crack up when I read it because there is emphasis on the word " no " and I shake my head . They have been getting into night time stories . Sometimes they 're sit right next to for them . Other times they run off but I read anyway . Joy is working hard upstairs on the boys play room . She is painting / drawing now . It 's going to be Canadian themed . We bought a play house and play grill for it . Last Saturday we both insulated it better . It was crazy but it should help keep it warmer up there during the winter . This is going to be there Christmas present , so shhh ! Right now , I 'm in the boys room hoping they will nap . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Last Friday , the boys had their 15 - month check up and more shots . This time , the boys remembered the table and we 're not happy at all to go near it . We set them both on the table to change their diapers and they flipped . We thought maybe if we tried to get them used to it they wouldn 't freak when the shots came . Didn 't help . When it was time for the shots , two nurses bursted through the doors and wanted to get both done at the same time . Joy held Jacob and I held Jasper . The nurses were in and out in a flash but the boys were pretty upset about the shots . After we got home , the boys took a good nap . Sunday , we dropped the boys off at my parents house for them to baby sit . Joy and I went on a bike ride . The boys had a good time at grandma and grandpa 's house . They played on the swings , walked around . I believe Jasper helped grandpa pull weeds from the garden . When we got back , Jacob was sitting next to my dad on the couch , eating a crunchy , and watching a baseball game . Jasper was playing around , opening up drawers and closing them . The boys had been pretty sluggish for the rest of the week . We 're not sure if it 's the shots , teeth , or just not feeling good . I 've been doing pretty good at keeping the nightly ritual down . The boys brush their teeth , I read a story , and then bedtime . One really cute thing they 've been doing is waving when it 's bedtime . I 'll get bottles and " Jasper and Jacob ! Bedtime " and they 'll turn to Joy and start waving . It 's really cute . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Monday we headed to the nature realm after dinner for some walking around . When we got to the path we set them down to walk on their own with one of us closely behind or next to each . Jacob did the sweetest thing . He was walking with Joy and they started holding hands as they walked . It was really sweet seeing then walk in front of Jasper and I holding hands . I tried to hold hands with Jasper . He responded by going down to the path and crawling . I did get to hold his hand for a few second though . Joy and I switched kids and I got hold Jacob 's hand for a bit . The boys love the nature realm . Jasper pointed to trees when I asked . They both enjoyed picking up little stones and throwing them on the path . I really enjoy taking them to the park , especially after work . I 'm not really looking forward to fall and winter coming . * * note : the picture is from our visit to nature realm previous week - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Saturday we had " dudes day out . " Joy had gone shopping with her mom and left me with the boys . This has only been the second time where I had been with the boys solo for an extended amount of time . It doesn 't count when Joy goes to pick up her mom , even though it 's about 40 minutes till she gets back . I got up early to get the dishes and laundry going so I wouldn 't have to worry about that later or rushing to get it all done while they nap . We started off with a little movie matching . I put on the cartoon channel but quickly decided we should watch something with music in it . I put the Blues Brothers in . We then had breakfast while that was going . The boys liked the music and Jasper was making weird faces when they went to visit the nun . After breakfast , I put the boys into the stroller and we walked to the library . On the way we talked and sang . We also pointed out the trees and I named things along the way . We got to the library and I picked out a bunch of kids books that I think would benefit the boys in a way that they could interact with . I got a baby book on body parts , smiles , hugs , zoo animals and bunch more . The boys loved walking down the aisles and grabbing books off the shelf . I quickly had to stop them though . All in all not much mess made . On the way back home , I was telling the boys that mommy was shopping with grandma . I noticed Jasper hunched over to the side of the stroller with tears in his eyes . I think he missed his mommy . So I picked him up and held him as I strolled Jacob back home . Jasper cheered up quickly . When we got home , I got the boys water and we hung out in the dinning room reading books . They especially loved the book on hugs . Jacob sat in my lap and without warning I got lots of hugs . After reading I took the boys outside to their sandbox . I put pandora on my phone and we danced some . The boys played for a little bit and pulled some dead branches down not far from them . After the sandbox we had lunch and then I gave the boys a bath / shower to get the sand and food off of them . We concludePosted by During the nights this week , I have been reading to the boys more and having dance parties . It usually starts out with me getting my drum that Joy got me out . The boys love the drum . I 've been really into listening to cheesy Halloween songs , so I searched for " monster mash " on pandora . The boys seem to like dancing around . Although , the other night they were visibly too tired . They both went from hanging around and dancing a little to playing with their blocks over by the toy box with themselves . For a while now , Jacob has been able to stack two / three blocks . Even though , it 's advanced Jasper wasn 't catching on until the other night . I showed him how to do it and without actually stacking a block , I would hand it to Jasper . Jasper caught on quickly and before anyone knew it , he was stacking 5 to 7 blocks like it was nobodies ' business . This week , Jasper was also able to point a tree and when I would say " where 's a tree . " He would get really happy point and start talking . It 's really good now to start naming things around the boys . Jacob brought me a basketball and I would say " ball " and pass it back to him . He got a kick out of it . Jacob loves to talk . If you ask him a question , somehow he knows to respond and boy does he love to respond . It 's really cute . Joy held out her phone and said " black phone . " She said that Jacob said something that sounded like black phone but then quickly changed it to " da da . " Tonight we took them to the nature realm and let them walk around . They did great . There weren 't many people there so the we pretty much had the place to ourselves . Tomorrow , Joy is going out with her mom and the boys and I are gonna have a " dudes day . " I 'm looking forward to it . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone I miss vacation already ! Can 't believe an entire week went by already . I miss being home with Joy and the boys and having fun action packed days . Monday , we headed to the park for another " concert in the park . " Instead of just hanging out and watching the band , we took the boys to the playground . We put them in the swings for a while and then wandered off into the field to let them run around . I mainly followed Jacob while Joy followed Jasper . They both had fun playing " I 'm gonna get ' chew " game . Then Jacob got ahold of some sticks and Jasper followed . Jacob has been talking so much lately ! It 's like he 's trying to have a conversation with you but doesn 't know many words . It 's so cute . Jasper is starting now too . I gotta get it on video . Tuesday , we all went for a bike ride . Joy pulled the boys in the bike trailer for 4 miles and then we switched bikes and I rode them back . Jacob fell asleep first , followed by Jasper . The coffee table has been insane lately ! We 've been trying to keep them off it but it has been an endless battle . Joy finally had enough and created a new gate . Now , there is a gate that just covers the tv and that side of the wall . Before the coffee table was a part of the gate . The boys can get onto the coffee table but the new rule is that they have to " stay on their booty . " It 's been mostly successful except last night Jasper wanted on the coffee table to dance . I tried to be more aggressive with saying " no , on your booty . " That failed . So I ended up sitting on the coffee table , keeping both off . The boys then grabbed blocks and proceed to bang them on the glass part of the door . I tried to be more aggressive at telling them " no " and they responded by smiling and banging them harder . I had to eventually take the blocks away . I think I need to work on my parental authority voice . I 'm so glad it 's Friday . It 's been a struggle this week when I just want to be home . I don 't think we have anything planned . I 'm sure that will change but it 's nice to have a free weekend ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoPosted by I had a great vacation at home with the boys , though we didn 't stay home too much but we kinda treated it like we were tourists in the our city . Friday night , Joy 's mom watched the boys so we could have a date night . We went to beaver marsh where we rode our bikes and waited till dark to see the beavers . Blossom music center is on the other side , so we hears Neil Diamond . Saturday , we went to summit county fair . It was so - so . It was really hot . We caught the end of a circus act and then wandered around . Sunday , we took the boys to a jungle gym in Fairlawn . The playground was empty so the boys had free range . We put them in our laps and went down the slides . After that we went for a walk at the nature realm . Monday , we went to the Cleveland zoo . we thought it would be empty but instead was packed ! Turns out zoo is free for cuyahoga county residents on Monday . We had fun though . The boys seemed more aware of the animals and pointed . At night , we caught the concert in the park . Tuesday , joy 's mom came over so we could go to the eye doctor . Afterwards we worked on cutting down a tree . Wednesday , we took the boys in the bike trailer and went biking on the towpath . The boys loved it . They were singing and having a great time . Thursday , we did some grocery shopping and then stayed in most of the day . Friday , we visited my grandma in the nursing home . She was feeling depressed in the nursing home . She had been in the hospital . The boys cheered her up greatly and just about everyone else in the nursing home . After that , we went to my parents house for pizza and to let the boys swing on their jungle gym . Saturday , we went to twins day in twinsburg . That was a lot of fun ! ! It was really neat seeing all the twins for newborns to twins in the seventies . The boys had a Popsicle and got it all over themselves . It was really cute . Can 't wait to take them again next year . Today , we just taking it easy . It was great being home ! Joy said the boys treat me the way they treat her during the day . They are a handful . The most challenging though iPosted by Sunday , we went to see the Akron orchestra perform at the park by our house . This is the second time the boys saw an orchestra this summer and got to enjoy it from the comforts of their wagon . The boys did really good . They played with some toys we brought : keys and paper footballs Joy made out of the programs . They really enjoyed clapping and watching the other people . The music was really good too . It sounded great in the park . During the week , the boys learned to climb on the coffee table . It had been a battle trying to get them off and to safety . They get so pleased with themselves when they get on top . This week , the boys had a tough time napping . They love playing in the cribs and they now occupy themselves being in there and with each other . Wednesday , we had our last baby time at the library . This time a little Indian girl was there . She was 17 months old . The boys loved playing with her . It is nice living in a diverse community . I think the boys will benefit . Next week , I 'm taking a week off from work . We plan on going to the fair , the zoo , and the Twinsburg festival . Can 't wait ! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone Last week , Jasper was loving his play phone . He would talk into it and walk in and out of the living room . He had a good conversation with Elmo , the type of play phone they have . So Monday on the ride home from work , I called and Joy tried to give them the phone to see if they would talk in it . Jacob seemed to take control of the phone . He was talking up a storm . I would say " dada " and he would repeat it . I asked him where his nose was and he touched his nose . Joy had to tell that . Wednesday , I talked to Jasper more on the phone . He was a little more reserved but he did he did talk a bit . I got him to sing " Ahh . " I stated singing to him and he dropped the phone and ran off . Jacob took the phone and after I stated singing , he dropped the phone and ran off . Little critics ! : - ) Wednesday night , we went to the library to have baby time . This time , there was another couple there with their 13 month old . We were hoping the boys would interact more with the little girl but they all seemed to be independent . The boys loved rolling the ball back and forth with the librarian and marching around the room . The librarian brought out bubbles , which Jasper loved . He stood right by the bubble maker . Yesterday , it was hottest day we 've had in 16 years . So after dinner , we took a family trip to dairy queen . The boys shared dq ice cream sandwich , which they ate on the ride home . When we got home , I gave them a bath and Joy took all the fabric off the car seats to be washed . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone The boys are growing so fast . Every day they are acting and look more like toddlers . It 's crazy to think about how much time has past by . Jacob will now show you his nose whenever you ask . Jasper still selectively shows when you ask but he knows where it is as well as his head . I 'm working on ears with them too . Joy has rearranged the house again . This time making the living room more accessible . We can all get to the couch now . The boys have done well at not falling off the couch and sometimes they just sit on the couch . The other night , Jacob enjoyed a nice sitting on the couch session playing with my iPhone . I don 't know how he open it up but he was writing emails . The dinning room however has been reduced to a table and high chairs . The chairs and computer have been removed . The boys were climbing the chairs and trying to get on the table . The computer was moved after they were beating the printer with blocks and once removed they could easy get to the computer . Bedtime has gotten a lot better . They like when I come in to read to them . I usually read to them till they fall asleep . They have both been doing a great job at sleeping through the night . Usually if anything I go in there to give them a bottle and then walk out around 3 or 4am . Last night , Jasper started running in place . Joy stated running in place too . He got a kick out of it . Then Jacob and I stared running in place . I then started jumping and Jacob started jumping . Joy responded with " they 're not supposed to be able to do that yet . " They are smart . - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone |
On Friday night we met my friend Coach and her daughter , Candy at the haunted mansion . The ' kids ' looked quite terrified , but they made it through . DC , although he looked like he was about to fall apart , wanted to go again , while Candy decided to sit out the second go - round . Coach , Candy , DC and I met Doug at a local diner for dinner afterwards . Doug was leaving that night for another leg of his quest to golf in all 50 states . He would be away for more than a week . After dinner we all went home to get prepared for the 3 party marathon we had scheduled for the following day , one more on Sunday and then of course , Monday was Halloween . Usually the parties are spaced out a little more , but this year they were all crammed into the same weekend . It took a lot of planning costume - wise . The parties were back to back , and DC has grown accustomed to having a different costume for each party and another for Halloween itself ( I love this child ! ! ! ) so I had to plan the best way for him to make quick changes between each party . Still in denial about all of this … . How long could this possibly last - It is October ! We went inside and joined the rest of the party - goers that were probably in much denial as we were . It seemed as though everyone that RSVP 'd attended and no one left early . It IS October , after all . Katie and Kate witnessed a terrible accident on their way home , but made it home safely . Coach and Candy got home safely as well . We arrived at Tonya 's house to find her son in the driveway , looking at the very large tree branch that had fallen on his car . Okay - got it - " leaves still on the trees " - it finally clicked . Their power was out . Tonya went into panic mode ( panic mode is usually my role - Tonya is normally relatively calm about everything ) - yelling at everyone to get out of the driveway and out from under the other low - hanging branches . Her son , on the other hand , looked relatively calm about the branch laying on his car . DC and I got into my car which was parked under another very large , now very low - hanging branch and started home . Home safely , WITH power , DC and I went about our normal routine assuming that all of this would be over by morning . Within 45 minutes of our arrival home , the power went out . DC was screaming from the bathroom , I told him to stay there , got a flashlight and went up to get him . I hunted about for more flashlights , got DC 's pillow and blankets and brought them down to the living room . THIS IS THE MOMENT , right here that the " sleeping on the couch " situation began . 3 years later , we are still sleeping on the couch most nights . We woke up on Sunday morning and still no power . Still convinced it would be back soon , DC had breakfast , under protest . Even though losing power is one of the things he obsesses about , he just can not understand that I can not make toast . He can have bread with Peanut Butter ( something he ate everyday for lunch ) , but it was morning and mornings are for toast , not bread . There was plenty of other non - refrigerated items that he could have , but no , he HAD to have toast . He finally gave in and had some " un - toasted " toast and we set out to find coffee . My landline was down , my cell was only working sporadically . Most of the time , I had to drive to the center of town to get any reception at all . We kept taking short trips throughout the day in search of coffee . I didn 't want to drive too far as with no information to be had , I never knew what we 'd be driving into , but on the other hand I needed coffee and DC needed something to do . He loves to and will read his books for hours , normally , but not during a power outage - he is just much too distracted and upset to do any of the things he normally would do . I have driven him around for hours in the past when we had an outage , but this was different , there was really nowhere to go , trees and branches were still falling and I didn 't want to waste gas . I didn 't know where we would find an open gas station . It was a very odd and unsettling feeling not really knowing what was going on out there . I felt cut off from the world . Between feeling cut off and my " dropping dead and how long will DC be alone before anyone knows ? " obsession - I was not having a good time . The day was spent , dealing with what I affectionately named the " raw sewage room " - RS Room for short - ( Did I forget to mention that DC clogged the toilet the very second that the power went out ? Did I forget that ? ) - and taking quick , not too long trips to find coffee . I did finally find a Dunkin Donuts ( because apparently I always do ) open at about 4pm . They did not have power and were just about out of everything but coffee was still available . I 'm not quite sure why or how they still had relatively hot coffee available with no power and I did not ask ; I ordered the bucket size . At this point , DC was no longer fixated on the power coming back , he was just defeated , very quiet , no emotion , just going through the motions . We got ready for the night to come , I made another attempt at fixing the " RS room ' , we read for a while and went to bed . Worried about the cold , I had DC wearing thermal underwear , thermal socks , slippers and his very heavy robe . I began piling blankets and comforters on us and at the point when he had just about enough , he yelled , " Mom ! I don 't want to be warm ! " - of course he wanted to be warm , but it was his way of telling me that I was putting way too much stuff on him . DC and I attend many events , activities and parties . Many related to his autism or specifically geared to special needs children and adults , many are not . Although I do write about some of these events or trips , I certainly do not write about all of them as , in most cases , there is nothing significantly related to DC and his autism to write about . This event was not going to become the subject of one of my posts ; it had nothing to do with Autism , there would be no princesses , no wizard , no costumes , no bookstore - just DC , my mother and I attending a fundraising event hosted by an old friend of mine . An old friend of mine invited us to his annual fundraising event . We could not make it last year , I can not remember why , but we were available to attend this year . We invited my mother to go along with us . Knowing full well that a sit - down - dinner at a table with probably 6 to 8 other people would be tough for him ( and me ) , I tried , as I always do , to relate * the event to something of interest to him . Tony Orlando , The Honorary Chairperson , would in attendance . Now , I am old enough to know who Tony Orlando is , but I didn 't know how to relate him to something in DC 's world . There have been many times where I am surprised by who DC does know . Usually I find out that they are " the voice " of a character in one of his movies . I checked on - line to see if Tony Orlando might have been the " voice of " anyone DC might relate to . He was not . But then I realized that whenever we hear " Knock three times " on the radio , I make DC sing along with me . We 've done it enough times that he does now recognize the song . It is also one of the few songs that DC does not say , " Mom , please STOP singing ! " The event was being held in the midst of our Halloween party season . We had already attended one party and we had a few more on the schedule in the next few days . The event 's description indicated that it would be a 40 's style gala . I did not know what that really meant but I went out and purchased a 40 's style men 's hat to go with DC 's suit . My greatest concern was the seating arrangements . As I talked about in an earlier post , there are not many things that we avoid because of DC 's autism , but we do try to avoid situations where we will be seated at a crowded table with strangers . There are times when it can not be avoided , and we get through it , but if I can avoid it , I will . I am usually not a big fan of eating in the dining room with DC . The tables are crowded with strangers . I get anxious because DC , although pretty well - behaved in restaurants , can get a little bit loud and chewing with his mouth closed does not come naturally to him , he has to be reminded continuously . When he does remember on his own , he feels the need to point it out to me throughout the entire dinner . He likes to bring a book with him whenever we go out to eat , but at these crowded tables , it is not always possible , there just isn 't enough room . I was never of the mind that other people should be made to just accept DC 's behavior . Yes , if I am trying to manage the situation I can live without the stares and comments - but letting him do whatever he wants in the name of awareness , is not something I ever subscribed to . I do not believe that every behavior can or should be blamed on his autism - it is never used as an excuse . I was told that I had to e - mail someone for reservations before purchasing tickets . I am not one that ever asks for special treatment or accommodations for DC , but since I had to send an e - mail , I decided I would just mention that DC tends to get a little bit anxious in crowds and if they happened to have a table that was not full ; would it be possible to be seated there ? I didn 't want them to go out of their way or change anything around , I just thought that if there was already such a table available , I would appreciate it if we could be seated there . It wasn 't a deal - breaker , we were going either way , but since I had someone 's ear I thought it could not hurt to ask . DC has issues with many types of clothing , more - so now than when he was younger , but there is nothing better , in DC 's eyes , than wearing a suit . I suspect the fact that people tell him how handsome he looks is the number one reason - if you neglect to tell him just how handsome he looks , believe me he will bring it to your attention . Add the hat " costume " to his already handsome apparel and he was over the moon . The very first thing DC noticed upon arrival was the sign for the " Grand Ballroom " . I had not thought of this aspect when looking for things relatable for DC . Not only was he going to see the ' voice of ' " Knock Three Times " , while looking handsome in costume , but we were going to the " Ball " ! How did I miss that one ? We were in the lobby with quite a few others who had arrived a few minutes early . We were told that we had to wait a few minutes as the staff was still in the process of setting up . DC was having the normal anxiety he has upon arriving anywhere . I always know it is coming , he just needs a little time to shake it off . The woman at the door noticed he was having a difficult time , and shuffled us into the ballroom . We were away from the crowd and he didn 't have to ' wait " . He would have been alright waiting with everyone else , but it would have taken him longer to shake his ' arrival anxiety ' , so I was very appreciative that she let us in . We found our table . It was the very last table all the way in the corner . It was perfect . DC , who generally is not aware of anything around him in terms of pushing his chair out , getting up from the table without looking to see if anyone is coming or putting his coat on , arms flying outward to accidentally hit anyone that might be in range , had room behind him so he would not bump into anyone else 's ' chair or knock anyone over when he got up from the table . There was no one behind us to bother if he felt the need to get up and dance . We were the only people in the ballroom other than the staff and a few people I assume were with the organization , for quite some time . Not long after , Tony Orlando came down the stairs . I do not like to bother people . DC has had his picture taken with many people over the years but it was almost always as a photo op . I just do not feel right asking people that are not there for that reason , to take a picture . My mother , had other ideas . She reached into her box of ammunition and pulled out the ' Mom Guilt ' … . . " Oh you have to ! " , " He won 't mind , he 's used to it " ( that went on for awhile ) , she stared at me for awhile and then resorted to the sideways glance , " Now , Vickie " in a tone I hadn 't heard in years , I finally gave in , only under the condition that SHE had to do the asking . First , he told DC that he looked like a movie star . You know that won DC over completely . I told him that his friend BB and Mrs . H will be so jealous . ( That is usually DC 's line when we go somewhere that he is excited to be , but I decided to use it just as an added incentive to help move him out of his anxiety ) . Mr . Orlando was very good to DC . They had a little chat and he told DC that they would be " friends forever " , and DC certainly believes they will . When they began letting all of the other attendees into the ballroom we realized that we were the only people that would be sitting at our table . One of the women that I had e - mailed before we purchased the tickets stopped by to be sure we didn 't feel as if we were being isolated . It was a perfect table and we did not feel isolated at all . We didn 't expect them to go that much out of their way to give us our own table , but I was so glad they did . DC had room for his ever - present book , he was able to get up and dance behind the table when he wanted to . There was a window right there that helped to keep him occupied ; he loves to stand and just look out the window . When it got dark outside , the window then served as his own personal mirror . There is no one that loves looking at himself in a mirror or any reflective surface more than DC does , especially that night , while wearing his new hat . He enjoyed watching the ballroom dancers they had performing . At one point I did take him out closer to the dance floor where he could watch them ( and follow along , pretty well , I might add ) from the sidelines . He sang along with " Knock Three Times " and they even had pizza bites as one of the appetizers ! What could be better ! DC came into the store with me , hoping to pick out a treat . He went to the ' treat ' aisle and grabbed his bag of Combos - no surprise there . I went to the next aisle . We met in line at the register . He was very loud and adamant about it . Alright , so he was nervous about running out of paper towels . I did think that it was a bit odd that he was so worried about paper towels , but not a big deal . We still had the one customer in front of us so I said " Okay , if you want two , go over and get ONE more , but you have to hurry " This child , has THE best sense of direction of anyone I have ever met . He remembers how to get anywhere we 've ever been . He always seems to know right where he is . He does NOT get this from me . I still get lost in the mall . For someone who has this type of directional sense , he just could not take direction to the paper towel aisle , even though there were only 3 aisles in the store and he had seen me go to the aisle only a few seconds before . The man behind the counter said , " It 's okay , I will just ring up an extra one if he really wants two " . He was ringing and helping to give directions to DC - it was beginning to get ridiculous - there were only 3 aisles , but I knew if he did not find the aisle soon he would become very upset and frustrated ( he was already beginning to ) and this agitated mood would carry itself over to the dance we were headed to . Just as I was going to leave the line to help him , the clerk said " I think he 's found them " . DC stood in the middle of the store , with his arms full of paper towels and yelled " PLEEEEEASE " " PLEEEEEASE " as if his life depended on it . He does not beg this much or this loudly when he wants me to buy him a book or movie . I told him to put them back but he just stood there , arms full yelling " PLEEEEEEASE ! " The clerk was now laughing , not at DC , but at the sight of him standing there with so many paper towel rolls . The poor woman waiting patiently behind me said " He sure loves his paper towels , doesn 't he ? " " Yes , apparently , he does today . " Right up there on DC 's ' fandom ' meter with all things Disney is the Wizard of Oz . I can not really put my finger on how , when or where this fixation developed as it is not a Disney production , but it certainly did . DC owns every version of every book , movie and soundtrack of The Wizard of Oz . I discovered a festival in Kansas called , you guessed it - The OZ Fest . The OZ fest is held in late September , not October , but still close enough to count as our Halloween trip . The OZ fest was the plan for this year 's Halloween get - away . That WAS the plan … . . until we calculated the cost of the flights , rental car and hotel for the weekend and realized that it was almost equivalent to booking a cruise for a week . But now I had OZ on the brain and I was not going to give up the notion of getting DC to OZ . I remembered seeing photos that my sister - in - law posted from an OZ event that they had attended a few years back . It was at Beech Mountain , North Carolina . I facebooked her to get more details . She told me that this event was very popular , but only open for ONE weekend each year ; this year on October 3 , 4 and 5 . Tickets had to be purchased in advance . and I was told that it sold out very quickly . DC has a difficult time pronouncing most of my brothers ' names . Uncle Larry , is ' Uncle Lally ' ( he can pronounce " Harry " and " Mary " but for some reason " Larry " is impossible for him ) . Uncle Lyle is ' Uncle Liar ' . He always could pronounce Ted and Skip - or so I thought . He does pronounce " Ted " correctly , but at one point I realized that all this time , he was really calling Skip , Uncle ' Scamp ' - it sounded so much like ' Skip ' all of the times that he 's said it that I didn 't realize he was actually calling him ' Scamp ' until he wrote it down one day . We arrived at the sky - resort where we were to catch the bus . We met " Uncle ' Liar ' , my sister - in - law and my niece in the parking lot . IT WAS COLD ! ! ! ! ! My brother was disappointed that we were not in costume ( they were not , but he knows me well ) . My title of " Queen of the Costume " was now tarnished , forever ! - I have to give props to the " Autumn at Oz " people for sending out more than one e - mail to let ticket holders know just how cold it was excepted to be . This would not have occurred to me and thanks to them , we were prepared - But still … . . IT WAS COLD ! ! ! After our hot chocolate / coffee / heat break , we went out to board the bus . We were first in line for our bus , which means we would be seated all the way in the back . My sister in law gets a bit of motion sickness , made worse by riding in the back . She and my brother were allowed to take the front seat , while DC and I took one seat in the back and my niece and Doug took the other , a decision my niece would soon regret . The Wizard of Oz soundtrack was playing on the bus on our way up the mountain ; Doug , being Doug , decided , out of nowhere , to just belt out " If I were the king of the Foreeeeest " I will never be able to describe the look on my niece 's face , ever . I told Doug that he was embarrassing her , but that is what he lives for . The look on her face was priceless and although I felt sorry for her , I just could not stop laughing . She was just mortified . Not being able to stop laughing actually distracted me from the ride that I had been so apprehensive about . I will never forget that face and even now as I 'm writing , I am laughing . Cold Dorothy We found the Gale farm . While waiting to get into the house , Dorothy saw DC waving to her through the crowd . She walked into the crowd to greet DC and launched into the whole spiel - She was very nervous . Miss Gulch tried to take Toto for chasing her cat . She needed to find Auntie Em to protect her and Toto from Miss Gulch . We rounded the corner and there we met Glinda . Glinda , in DC 's eyes is equivalent to a Princess . She has " princess status " in his world . He is always happy when Glinda appears , and now he would be meeting her in person ! I can 't say enough about the actors that played these characters . I am told that they are all volunteers . These people were impressive . They were definitely " Disney - Caliber " . Not only were they out there all day , in costume , in the cold , but they never broke character . A few even burst into song . Let me tell you , if DC decides to throw a line at you , you better be able to respond , in character and correctly . Believe me , his interaction with the Oz characters was no different that his conversations with ' his ' Disney Princesses . They all had the proper response or song to whatever DC decided to discuss with them and we all know that DC can come up with the rather obscure reference . One HAS to know the movie inside and out to pass the DC realism test . Each and every one of them passed with flying colors . But we didn 't turn back …… . Who 's afraid of a Wicked Old Witch anyway ? But , curses , we neglected to bring our buckets of water ! We 'd have to take our chances . I so wish I had thought to take a video of this exchange . DC went through the entire scene - he rang the bell , the door guard yelled at him and slammed the door for ringing said bell . He then followed the new directions , now that the sign was turned to the proper side , and knocked … because of course we know that the bell is " out of order " - he laughed and laughed . I think this may just have been his favorite part of the entire day in Oz . I read somewhere that the Emerald City was lost to a fire . It is a shame ; based on the quality of the Yellow Brick Road - I have to imagine that the Emerald City must have been magnificent . Even with the loss of the Emerald City , the story was told from beginning to end . I really do not know just what I was expecting at " Autumn at OZ " but I have to say , it was above and beyond anything I could have imagined . It was beautiful , very well maintained and VERY well staffed . It was such a fun day . Yes , it was cold , but we were warned and we were prepared . The trip was well worth it . We had a wonderful time ( " terrific time " - ' terrific ' being DC 's new word ) . I would recommend this event to anyone . It is a shame it is only open once a year , but if you are an OZ fan ( even if you are not ) , it is well worth it . DC will never forget his trip to OZ . I have to talk a little bit about my niece as well . My brother and his family have lived in Tennessee since DC was born . My niece and DC have only actually met each other maybe three times since she was born . So she has not spent much time with DC at all over the years . I have to say I was so impressed with her . She was not afraid of him - you might think that is an odd thing to say as he is her cousin , but believe me - it 's happened , more than I care to think about . She put up with him hugging the stuffing out of her all day . She made attempts at conversation with him , even if the response she got didn 't have anything to do with what she originally said to him . The day went wonderfully and HE is completely enamored with her . In 1992 , when Sami , who has Down syndrome , was 18 months old , her father , Rich , was the Senior Producer for the Sony JumboTron in Times Square . He began producing a series of spots to raise awareness and acceptance of people with Down syndrome to run on the JumboTron during Down syndrome awareness month . He continued to produce these PSA 's on his own until 1994 , when he contacted Emily Perl Kingsley . Every October , we try to take a weekend trip - our Halloween trip - somewhere Halloween themed of course . Usually we go to Salem , MA . Two years ago , just to take a break from Salem ( there is never really a break from Salem as we tend to end up there quite often during the year ) , we decided to try Sleepy Hollow , NY . It was fun . It was no Salem , but DC had his best friend BB , along so he had an exceptional time . Last year , we opted for NY ComicCon and a weekend in NY - DC 's favorite place . ComicCon - Costumes , Characters - close enough to qualify as our Halloween weekend away . Last year , I also discovered a festival in Kansas called , you guessed it - The OZ Fest . The OZ fest is held in late September , not October , but still close enough to count . The OZ fest was the plan for this year 's Halloween get - away . That WAS the plan … . . until we calculated the cost of the flights , rental car and hotel for the weekend and realized that it was almost equivalent to booking a cruise for a week . But now I had OZ on the brain and I was not going to give up the notion of getting DC to OZ . I remembered seeing photos that my sister - in - law posted from an OZ event that they had attended a few years back . It was at Beech Mountain , North Carolina . I facebooked her to get more details . She told me that this event was very popular , but only open for ONE weekend each year ; this year on October 4 and 5 . Tickets had to be purchased in advance , and I was told that it sold out very quickly . We went about booking flights , but then the tickets did not go on sale on the day they were scheduled to , and not on the following date that was posted . We had flights but had no idea if we would be able to get tickets . Finally we just happened to go to the site to check for a new sale date , and there they were , on sale , unannounced . Tickets - purchased ; we were good to go . At this point I was thinking that this just may have been a big mistake on my part but I wanted to get DC to OZ so we went ahead with the plans . We were also planning to meet up with my brother and his family from Tennessee , while there , so that would be fun too . They were to join us in OZ and DC was very excited about that . The plan … . to fly down on Friday morning , head straight to Dollywood , back to the hotel and Saturday morning head straight for the mountain . The entire week before , the forecast was calling for rain , lots of rain , on Friday - Saturday was still looking good , with the exception of the " dress for winter " e - mail from the " mountain " , but sunny and no rain . We kept hoping that Friday 's forecast would change , but it never did . We arrived in Charlotte at 8 : 00 am Friday morning to sunshine , but it was short - lived . It would be a 4 hour drive straight to Dollywood or a 2 hour drive to our hotel . The original plan was to head straight to Dollywood , but now it was pouring so we really did not know what we were going to do . We stopped for ' second breakfast ' because DC had his breakfast at 3 : 00am at home . He was actually looking for lunch at 8am . I tried to explain to him that we woke up much earlier than usual and it was not lunchtime , he would just be getting to work if we were at home . I knew he really did not understand this . He had breakfast at home so surely it must be lunchtime , because that is what comes next … period . We checked on - line for other things to do in the area , but most were outdoor activities , so we decided we would just head in the direction of our hotel and Dollywood . If it was still pouring when we reached the hotel - maybe they would let us check in early . If the weather changed , we could just continue on to Dollywood . Checking the forecast , the weather was actually looking worse ; now predicting thunderstorms . The hotel did let us check in early and I was really looking forward to a quick nap ( more about that later ) , but we decided to call just to see if Dollywood was open . They were , so we decided to risk it and drive 2 more hours to get there . If the weather didn 't change we could always just try to find a bookstore and DC would be happy to just go back to the room with more books - and I would be able to take a nap . We drove the 2 hours to Dollywood - pouring almost all of the way . The forecast still reading heavy rain and thunderstorms , but … . the closer we got the lighter the rain , until it had completely stopped . When we pulled into Dollywood , the clouds parted and the sun came out - full force - seriously , it was hot ! We were not dressed for HOT , but whatever - it was amazing . While the forecast was still reading heavy rain and thunderstorms , we were in the blazing hot sun ! After only a few minutes , the clouds rolled in , but not like earlier , just enough to cool it down . It was perfect . I think the weather actually worked in our favor . The park was not crowded at all . There were no lines for any of the rides . DC was able to ride on most of the roller coasters , before Doug began looking a little green . There were only 3 hours left of park time by the time we arrived , but it was plenty of time - everything moved very quickly . This means that when we arrived in North Carolina at 8 : 00 am Friday , I had already been awake since 5 : 30 am Thursday morning - about 27 hours for those of you that don 't want to do the math . By the time we left Dollywood and started back to have dinner and find a bookstore , it was somewhere around 37 / 38 hours without sleep . I just could not take it any more . It was a meltdown of epic proportions . We had dinner , skipped the bookstore and got back to the hotel all before 9pm . I got some very much needed sleep . I think I was " out " in all of 5 minutes - that never happens , no matter how tired I am - and I slept straight through the night , which also never happens . Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Everything is Related - Dr . Who Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
On Friday night we met my friend Coach and her daughter , Candy at the haunted mansion . The ' kids ' looked quite terrified , but they made it through . DC , although he looked like he was about to fall apart , wanted to go again , while Candy decided to sit out the second go - round . Coach , Candy , DC and I met Doug at a local diner for dinner afterwards . Doug was leaving that night for another leg of his quest to golf in all 50 states . He would be away for more than a week . After dinner we all went home to get prepared for the 3 party marathon we had scheduled for the following day , one more on Sunday and then of course , Monday was Halloween . Usually the parties are spaced out a little more , but this year they were all crammed into the same weekend . It took a lot of planning costume - wise . The parties were back to back , and DC has grown accustomed to having a different costume for each party and another for Halloween itself ( I love this child ! ! ! ) so I had to plan the best way for him to make quick changes between each party . Still in denial about all of this … . How long could this possibly last - It is October ! We went inside and joined the rest of the party - goers that were probably in much denial as we were . It seemed as though everyone that RSVP 'd attended and no one left early . It IS October , after all . Katie and Kate witnessed a terrible accident on their way home , but made it home safely . Coach and Candy got home safely as well . We arrived at Tonya 's house to find her son in the driveway , looking at the very large tree branch that had fallen on his car . Okay - got it - " leaves still on the trees " - it finally clicked . Their power was out . Tonya went into panic mode ( panic mode is usually my role - Tonya is normally relatively calm about everything ) - yelling at everyone to get out of the driveway and out from under the other low - hanging branches . Her son , on the other hand , looked relatively calm about the branch laying on his car . DC and I got into my car which was parked under another very large , now very low - hanging branch and started home . Home safely , WITH power , DC and I went about our normal routine assuming that all of this would be over by morning . Within 45 minutes of our arrival home , the power went out . DC was screaming from the bathroom , I told him to stay there , got a flashlight and went up to get him . I hunted about for more flashlights , got DC 's pillow and blankets and brought them down to the living room . THIS IS THE MOMENT , right here that the " sleeping on the couch " situation began . 3 years later , we are still sleeping on the couch most nights . We woke up on Sunday morning and still no power . Still convinced it would be back soon , DC had breakfast , under protest . Even though losing power is one of the things he obsesses about , he just can not understand that I can not make toast . He can have bread with Peanut Butter ( something he ate everyday for lunch ) , but it was morning and mornings are for toast , not bread . There was plenty of other non - refrigerated items that he could have , but no , he HAD to have toast . He finally gave in and had some " un - toasted " toast and we set out to find coffee . My landline was down , my cell was only working sporadically . Most of the time , I had to drive to the center of town to get any reception at all . We kept taking short trips throughout the day in search of coffee . I didn 't want to drive too far as with no information to be had , I never knew what we 'd be driving into , but on the other hand I needed coffee and DC needed something to do . He loves to and will read his books for hours , normally , but not during a power outage - he is just much too distracted and upset to do any of the things he normally would do . I have driven him around for hours in the past when we had an outage , but this was different , there was really nowhere to go , trees and branches were still falling and I didn 't want to waste gas . I didn 't know where we would find an open gas station . It was a very odd and unsettling feeling not really knowing what was going on out there . I felt cut off from the world . Between feeling cut off and my " dropping dead and how long will DC be alone before anyone knows ? " obsession - I was not having a good time . The day was spent , dealing with what I affectionately named the " raw sewage room " - RS Room for short - ( Did I forget to mention that DC clogged the toilet the very second that the power went out ? Did I forget that ? ) - and taking quick , not too long trips to find coffee . I did finally find a Dunkin Donuts ( because apparently I always do ) open at about 4pm . They did not have power and were just about out of everything but coffee was still available . I 'm not quite sure why or how they still had relatively hot coffee available with no power and I did not ask ; I ordered the bucket size . At this point , DC was no longer fixated on the power coming back , he was just defeated , very quiet , no emotion , just going through the motions . We got ready for the night to come , I made another attempt at fixing the " RS room ' , we read for a while and went to bed . Worried about the cold , I had DC wearing thermal underwear , thermal socks , slippers and his very heavy robe . I began piling blankets and comforters on us and at the point when he had just about enough , he yelled , " Mom ! I don 't want to be warm ! " - of course he wanted to be warm , but it was his way of telling me that I was putting way too much stuff on him . DC and I attend many events , activities and parties . Many related to his autism or specifically geared to special needs children and adults , many are not . Although I do write about some of these events or trips , I certainly do not write about all of them as , in most cases , there is nothing significantly related to DC and his autism to write about . This event was not going to become the subject of one of my posts ; it had nothing to do with Autism , there would be no princesses , no wizard , no costumes , no bookstore - just DC , my mother and I attending a fundraising event hosted by an old friend of mine . An old friend of mine invited us to his annual fundraising event . We could not make it last year , I can not remember why , but we were available to attend this year . We invited my mother to go along with us . Knowing full well that a sit - down - dinner at a table with probably 6 to 8 other people would be tough for him ( and me ) , I tried , as I always do , to relate * the event to something of interest to him . Tony Orlando , The Honorary Chairperson , would in attendance . Now , I am old enough to know who Tony Orlando is , but I didn 't know how to relate him to something in DC 's world . There have been many times where I am surprised by who DC does know . Usually I find out that they are " the voice " of a character in one of his movies . I checked on - line to see if Tony Orlando might have been the " voice of " anyone DC might relate to . He was not . But then I realized that whenever we hear " Knock three times " on the radio , I make DC sing along with me . We 've done it enough times that he does now recognize the song . It is also one of the few songs that DC does not say , " Mom , please STOP singing ! " The event was being held in the midst of our Halloween party season . We had already attended one party and we had a few more on the schedule in the next few days . The event 's description indicated that it would be a 40 's style gala . I did not know what that really meant but I went out and purchased a 40 's style men 's hat to go with DC 's suit . My greatest concern was the seating arrangements . As I talked about in an earlier post , there are not many things that we avoid because of DC 's autism , but we do try to avoid situations where we will be seated at a crowded table with strangers . There are times when it can not be avoided , and we get through it , but if I can avoid it , I will . I am usually not a big fan of eating in the dining room with DC . The tables are crowded with strangers . I get anxious because DC , although pretty well - behaved in restaurants , can get a little bit loud and chewing with his mouth closed does not come naturally to him , he has to be reminded continuously . When he does remember on his own , he feels the need to point it out to me throughout the entire dinner . He likes to bring a book with him whenever we go out to eat , but at these crowded tables , it is not always possible , there just isn 't enough room . I was never of the mind that other people should be made to just accept DC 's behavior . Yes , if I am trying to manage the situation I can live without the stares and comments - but letting him do whatever he wants in the name of awareness , is not something I ever subscribed to . I do not believe that every behavior can or should be blamed on his autism - it is never used as an excuse . I was told that I had to e - mail someone for reservations before purchasing tickets . I am not one that ever asks for special treatment or accommodations for DC , but since I had to send an e - mail , I decided I would just mention that DC tends to get a little bit anxious in crowds and if they happened to have a table that was not full ; would it be possible to be seated there ? I didn 't want them to go out of their way or change anything around , I just thought that if there was already such a table available , I would appreciate it if we could be seated there . It wasn 't a deal - breaker , we were going either way , but since I had someone 's ear I thought it could not hurt to ask . DC has issues with many types of clothing , more - so now than when he was younger , but there is nothing better , in DC 's eyes , than wearing a suit . I suspect the fact that people tell him how handsome he looks is the number one reason - if you neglect to tell him just how handsome he looks , believe me he will bring it to your attention . Add the hat " costume " to his already handsome apparel and he was over the moon . The very first thing DC noticed upon arrival was the sign for the " Grand Ballroom " . I had not thought of this aspect when looking for things relatable for DC . Not only was he going to see the ' voice of ' " Knock Three Times " , while looking handsome in costume , but we were going to the " Ball " ! How did I miss that one ? We were in the lobby with quite a few others who had arrived a few minutes early . We were told that we had to wait a few minutes as the staff was still in the process of setting up . DC was having the normal anxiety he has upon arriving anywhere . I always know it is coming , he just needs a little time to shake it off . The woman at the door noticed he was having a difficult time , and shuffled us into the ballroom . We were away from the crowd and he didn 't have to ' wait " . He would have been alright waiting with everyone else , but it would have taken him longer to shake his ' arrival anxiety ' , so I was very appreciative that she let us in . We found our table . It was the very last table all the way in the corner . It was perfect . DC , who generally is not aware of anything around him in terms of pushing his chair out , getting up from the table without looking to see if anyone is coming or putting his coat on , arms flying outward to accidentally hit anyone that might be in range , had room behind him so he would not bump into anyone else 's ' chair or knock anyone over when he got up from the table . There was no one behind us to bother if he felt the need to get up and dance . We were the only people in the ballroom other than the staff and a few people I assume were with the organization , for quite some time . Not long after , Tony Orlando came down the stairs . I do not like to bother people . DC has had his picture taken with many people over the years but it was almost always as a photo op . I just do not feel right asking people that are not there for that reason , to take a picture . My mother , had other ideas . She reached into her box of ammunition and pulled out the ' Mom Guilt ' … . . " Oh you have to ! " , " He won 't mind , he 's used to it " ( that went on for awhile ) , she stared at me for awhile and then resorted to the sideways glance , " Now , Vickie " in a tone I hadn 't heard in years , I finally gave in , only under the condition that SHE had to do the asking . First , he told DC that he looked like a movie star . You know that won DC over completely . I told him that his friend BB and Mrs . H will be so jealous . ( That is usually DC 's line when we go somewhere that he is excited to be , but I decided to use it just as an added incentive to help move him out of his anxiety ) . Mr . Orlando was very good to DC . They had a little chat and he told DC that they would be " friends forever " , and DC certainly believes they will . When they began letting all of the other attendees into the ballroom we realized that we were the only people that would be sitting at our table . One of the women that I had e - mailed before we purchased the tickets stopped by to be sure we didn 't feel as if we were being isolated . It was a perfect table and we did not feel isolated at all . We didn 't expect them to go that much out of their way to give us our own table , but I was so glad they did . DC had room for his ever - present book , he was able to get up and dance behind the table when he wanted to . There was a window right there that helped to keep him occupied ; he loves to stand and just look out the window . When it got dark outside , the window then served as his own personal mirror . There is no one that loves looking at himself in a mirror or any reflective surface more than DC does , especially that night , while wearing his new hat . He enjoyed watching the ballroom dancers they had performing . At one point I did take him out closer to the dance floor where he could watch them ( and follow along , pretty well , I might add ) from the sidelines . He sang along with " Knock Three Times " and they even had pizza bites as one of the appetizers ! What could be better ! DC came into the store with me , hoping to pick out a treat . He went to the ' treat ' aisle and grabbed his bag of Combos - no surprise there . I went to the next aisle . We met in line at the register . He was very loud and adamant about it . Alright , so he was nervous about running out of paper towels . I did think that it was a bit odd that he was so worried about paper towels , but not a big deal . We still had the one customer in front of us so I said " Okay , if you want two , go over and get ONE more , but you have to hurry " This child , has THE best sense of direction of anyone I have ever met . He remembers how to get anywhere we 've ever been . He always seems to know right where he is . He does NOT get this from me . I still get lost in the mall . For someone who has this type of directional sense , he just could not take direction to the paper towel aisle , even though there were only 3 aisles in the store and he had seen me go to the aisle only a few seconds before . The man behind the counter said , " It 's okay , I will just ring up an extra one if he really wants two " . He was ringing and helping to give directions to DC - it was beginning to get ridiculous - there were only 3 aisles , but I knew if he did not find the aisle soon he would become very upset and frustrated ( he was already beginning to ) and this agitated mood would carry itself over to the dance we were headed to . Just as I was going to leave the line to help him , the clerk said " I think he 's found them " . DC stood in the middle of the store , with his arms full of paper towels and yelled " PLEEEEEASE " " PLEEEEEASE " as if his life depended on it . He does not beg this much or this loudly when he wants me to buy him a book or movie . I told him to put them back but he just stood there , arms full yelling " PLEEEEEEASE ! " The clerk was now laughing , not at DC , but at the sight of him standing there with so many paper towel rolls . The poor woman waiting patiently behind me said " He sure loves his paper towels , doesn 't he ? " " Yes , apparently , he does today . " Right up there on DC 's ' fandom ' meter with all things Disney is the Wizard of Oz . I can not really put my finger on how , when or where this fixation developed as it is not a Disney production , but it certainly did . DC owns every version of every book , movie and soundtrack of The Wizard of Oz . I discovered a festival in Kansas called , you guessed it - The OZ Fest . The OZ fest is held in late September , not October , but still close enough to count as our Halloween trip . The OZ fest was the plan for this year 's Halloween get - away . That WAS the plan … . . until we calculated the cost of the flights , rental car and hotel for the weekend and realized that it was almost equivalent to booking a cruise for a week . But now I had OZ on the brain and I was not going to give up the notion of getting DC to OZ . I remembered seeing photos that my sister - in - law posted from an OZ event that they had attended a few years back . It was at Beech Mountain , North Carolina . I facebooked her to get more details . She told me that this event was very popular , but only open for ONE weekend each year ; this year on October 3 , 4 and 5 . Tickets had to be purchased in advance . and I was told that it sold out very quickly . DC has a difficult time pronouncing most of my brothers ' names . Uncle Larry , is ' Uncle Lally ' ( he can pronounce " Harry " and " Mary " but for some reason " Larry " is impossible for him ) . Uncle Lyle is ' Uncle Liar ' . He always could pronounce Ted and Skip - or so I thought . He does pronounce " Ted " correctly , but at one point I realized that all this time , he was really calling Skip , Uncle ' Scamp ' - it sounded so much like ' Skip ' all of the times that he 's said it that I didn 't realize he was actually calling him ' Scamp ' until he wrote it down one day . We arrived at the sky - resort where we were to catch the bus . We met " Uncle ' Liar ' , my sister - in - law and my niece in the parking lot . IT WAS COLD ! ! ! ! ! My brother was disappointed that we were not in costume ( they were not , but he knows me well ) . My title of " Queen of the Costume " was now tarnished , forever ! - I have to give props to the " Autumn at Oz " people for sending out more than one e - mail to let ticket holders know just how cold it was excepted to be . This would not have occurred to me and thanks to them , we were prepared - But still … . . IT WAS COLD ! ! ! After our hot chocolate / coffee / heat break , we went out to board the bus . We were first in line for our bus , which means we would be seated all the way in the back . My sister in law gets a bit of motion sickness , made worse by riding in the back . She and my brother were allowed to take the front seat , while DC and I took one seat in the back and my niece and Doug took the other , a decision my niece would soon regret . The Wizard of Oz soundtrack was playing on the bus on our way up the mountain ; Doug , being Doug , decided , out of nowhere , to just belt out " If I were the king of the Foreeeeest " I will never be able to describe the look on my niece 's face , ever . I told Doug that he was embarrassing her , but that is what he lives for . The look on her face was priceless and although I felt sorry for her , I just could not stop laughing . She was just mortified . Not being able to stop laughing actually distracted me from the ride that I had been so apprehensive about . I will never forget that face and even now as I 'm writing , I am laughing . Cold Dorothy We found the Gale farm . While waiting to get into the house , Dorothy saw DC waving to her through the crowd . She walked into the crowd to greet DC and launched into the whole spiel - She was very nervous . Miss Gulch tried to take Toto for chasing her cat . She needed to find Auntie Em to protect her and Toto from Miss Gulch . We rounded the corner and there we met Glinda . Glinda , in DC 's eyes is equivalent to a Princess . She has " princess status " in his world . He is always happy when Glinda appears , and now he would be meeting her in person ! I can 't say enough about the actors that played these characters . I am told that they are all volunteers . These people were impressive . They were definitely " Disney - Caliber " . Not only were they out there all day , in costume , in the cold , but they never broke character . A few even burst into song . Let me tell you , if DC decides to throw a line at you , you better be able to respond , in character and correctly . Believe me , his interaction with the Oz characters was no different that his conversations with ' his ' Disney Princesses . They all had the proper response or song to whatever DC decided to discuss with them and we all know that DC can come up with the rather obscure reference . One HAS to know the movie inside and out to pass the DC realism test . Each and every one of them passed with flying colors . But we didn 't turn back …… . Who 's afraid of a Wicked Old Witch anyway ? But , curses , we neglected to bring our buckets of water ! We 'd have to take our chances . I so wish I had thought to take a video of this exchange . DC went through the entire scene - he rang the bell , the door guard yelled at him and slammed the door for ringing said bell . He then followed the new directions , now that the sign was turned to the proper side , and knocked … because of course we know that the bell is " out of order " - he laughed and laughed . I think this may just have been his favorite part of the entire day in Oz . I read somewhere that the Emerald City was lost to a fire . It is a shame ; based on the quality of the Yellow Brick Road - I have to imagine that the Emerald City must have been magnificent . Even with the loss of the Emerald City , the story was told from beginning to end . I really do not know just what I was expecting at " Autumn at OZ " but I have to say , it was above and beyond anything I could have imagined . It was beautiful , very well maintained and VERY well staffed . It was such a fun day . Yes , it was cold , but we were warned and we were prepared . The trip was well worth it . We had a wonderful time ( " terrific time " - ' terrific ' being DC 's new word ) . I would recommend this event to anyone . It is a shame it is only open once a year , but if you are an OZ fan ( even if you are not ) , it is well worth it . DC will never forget his trip to OZ . I have to talk a little bit about my niece as well . My brother and his family have lived in Tennessee since DC was born . My niece and DC have only actually met each other maybe three times since she was born . So she has not spent much time with DC at all over the years . I have to say I was so impressed with her . She was not afraid of him - you might think that is an odd thing to say as he is her cousin , but believe me - it 's happened , more than I care to think about . She put up with him hugging the stuffing out of her all day . She made attempts at conversation with him , even if the response she got didn 't have anything to do with what she originally said to him . The day went wonderfully and HE is completely enamored with her . In 1992 , when Sami , who has Down syndrome , was 18 months old , her father , Rich , was the Senior Producer for the Sony JumboTron in Times Square . He began producing a series of spots to raise awareness and acceptance of people with Down syndrome to run on the JumboTron during Down syndrome awareness month . He continued to produce these PSA 's on his own until 1994 , when he contacted Emily Perl Kingsley . Every October , we try to take a weekend trip - our Halloween trip - somewhere Halloween themed of course . Usually we go to Salem , MA . Two years ago , just to take a break from Salem ( there is never really a break from Salem as we tend to end up there quite often during the year ) , we decided to try Sleepy Hollow , NY . It was fun . It was no Salem , but DC had his best friend BB , along so he had an exceptional time . Last year , we opted for NY ComicCon and a weekend in NY - DC 's favorite place . ComicCon - Costumes , Characters - close enough to qualify as our Halloween weekend away . Last year , I also discovered a festival in Kansas called , you guessed it - The OZ Fest . The OZ fest is held in late September , not October , but still close enough to count . The OZ fest was the plan for this year 's Halloween get - away . That WAS the plan … . . until we calculated the cost of the flights , rental car and hotel for the weekend and realized that it was almost equivalent to booking a cruise for a week . But now I had OZ on the brain and I was not going to give up the notion of getting DC to OZ . I remembered seeing photos that my sister - in - law posted from an OZ event that they had attended a few years back . It was at Beech Mountain , North Carolina . I facebooked her to get more details . She told me that this event was very popular , but only open for ONE weekend each year ; this year on October 4 and 5 . Tickets had to be purchased in advance , and I was told that it sold out very quickly . We went about booking flights , but then the tickets did not go on sale on the day they were scheduled to , and not on the following date that was posted . We had flights but had no idea if we would be able to get tickets . Finally we just happened to go to the site to check for a new sale date , and there they were , on sale , unannounced . Tickets - purchased ; we were good to go . At this point I was thinking that this just may have been a big mistake on my part but I wanted to get DC to OZ so we went ahead with the plans . We were also planning to meet up with my brother and his family from Tennessee , while there , so that would be fun too . They were to join us in OZ and DC was very excited about that . The plan … . to fly down on Friday morning , head straight to Dollywood , back to the hotel and Saturday morning head straight for the mountain . The entire week before , the forecast was calling for rain , lots of rain , on Friday - Saturday was still looking good , with the exception of the " dress for winter " e - mail from the " mountain " , but sunny and no rain . We kept hoping that Friday 's forecast would change , but it never did . We arrived in Charlotte at 8 : 00 am Friday morning to sunshine , but it was short - lived . It would be a 4 hour drive straight to Dollywood or a 2 hour drive to our hotel . The original plan was to head straight to Dollywood , but now it was pouring so we really did not know what we were going to do . We stopped for ' second breakfast ' because DC had his breakfast at 3 : 00am at home . He was actually looking for lunch at 8am . I tried to explain to him that we woke up much earlier than usual and it was not lunchtime , he would just be getting to work if we were at home . I knew he really did not understand this . He had breakfast at home so surely it must be lunchtime , because that is what comes next … period . We checked on - line for other things to do in the area , but most were outdoor activities , so we decided we would just head in the direction of our hotel and Dollywood . If it was still pouring when we reached the hotel - maybe they would let us check in early . If the weather changed , we could just continue on to Dollywood . Checking the forecast , the weather was actually looking worse ; now predicting thunderstorms . The hotel did let us check in early and I was really looking forward to a quick nap ( more about that later ) , but we decided to call just to see if Dollywood was open . They were , so we decided to risk it and drive 2 more hours to get there . If the weather didn 't change we could always just try to find a bookstore and DC would be happy to just go back to the room with more books - and I would be able to take a nap . We drove the 2 hours to Dollywood - pouring almost all of the way . The forecast still reading heavy rain and thunderstorms , but … . the closer we got the lighter the rain , until it had completely stopped . When we pulled into Dollywood , the clouds parted and the sun came out - full force - seriously , it was hot ! We were not dressed for HOT , but whatever - it was amazing . While the forecast was still reading heavy rain and thunderstorms , we were in the blazing hot sun ! After only a few minutes , the clouds rolled in , but not like earlier , just enough to cool it down . It was perfect . I think the weather actually worked in our favor . The park was not crowded at all . There were no lines for any of the rides . DC was able to ride on most of the roller coasters , before Doug began looking a little green . There were only 3 hours left of park time by the time we arrived , but it was plenty of time - everything moved very quickly . This means that when we arrived in North Carolina at 8 : 00 am Friday , I had already been awake since 5 : 30 am Thursday morning - about 27 hours for those of you that don 't want to do the math . By the time we left Dollywood and started back to have dinner and find a bookstore , it was somewhere around 37 / 38 hours without sleep . I just could not take it any more . It was a meltdown of epic proportions . We had dinner , skipped the bookstore and got back to the hotel all before 9pm . I got some very much needed sleep . I think I was " out " in all of 5 minutes - that never happens , no matter how tired I am - and I slept straight through the night , which also never happens . Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Everything is Related - Dr . Who Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
I 've gotta tell ya , that scale just will NOT budge one tiny little bit ! It doesn 't matter what time of day I weigh , if I 've eaten recently or not , or whether I 've drank a gallon of water or not , I weigh the exact same thing ! Right down the the ounce ! It 's very frustrating ! I know I 'm not doing too great on eating , but I 'm doing better than I was . And I know I 'm not exercising much , but I chase around two toddlers all day while I 'm nursing , and then we run all around the country in the evenings to various events . Couldn 't that count for something ? ! Oh well . . . . On a positive note , I have lost some thickness . I measured everything a couple of weeks ago and then re - measured today and had lost half an inch around my waist and 1 / 4 " on the hips . Those are the only places I measured today , but I was happy with that because it means I 'm getting closer to getting out of my stretched out maternity clothes . I 'm going to miss their comfort , but it will be nice to have more than two outfits again ! Tuesday afternoon Ethan had baseball practice . No big deal . We got there and he took off to the field with his coach and team mates . I sat in the van with sleeping Elijah , hungry Melia and impossible - to - contain in an open area Ezra . A friend from church came over to chat and we talked a bit while Ezra bounced all around the inside of the van . At 6 . 30 , I went to the field and got Ethan since we needed to leave to go to church . We all got back to the van to load up , and I went to crank the van . There was a problem . The van wouldn 't crank . I tried again . And again . And again . No luck . But then I couldn 't take the key out of the ignition . I had to idea how to fix the thing ! I looked around and found one of Ronnie 's friends . I had him come over and see what he could do . He found that the battery posts were corroded so he tried cleaning them off and then hooked up jumper cables to jump the van off . No luck . He cleaned some more and we tried again . No luck again . My friend from church came over with her drink and we poured it on the battery . Once again we tried to crank it , but had no luck . At this point Ronnie 's friend got another vehicle brought over and we tried to crank the van with two vehicles ' batteries . No luck . By now , there were several people around . All of them were trying to figure out why in the world my van wouldn 't start . It just didn 't make sense . The friend from church tried to crank it one more time . And when she did , she asked why the van was in " neutral " rather than " park . " No one knew , but she shifted it into " park , " and tried once more to crank it . Lo and behold , it started ! The only problem was that it had been in the wrong Posted by Thus far , Ethan has lost five of his baby teeth . After the first three , the tooth fairy showed up , deposited a dollar bill , and left a happy child in her wake . That 's how I imagine her process works on a good night , c anyway . With tooth number four , there was a slight hiccup . By this I mean that Ethan 's daddy was home . One would think assistance from a father would help the tooth fairy remember the task at hand , but no , it didn 't . That fairy stayed up late talking to the man of the house and forgot why she was even at our house in the first place . Shame on her ! The next morning Ethan flew into my room in quite a tizzy exclaiming , " The tooth fairy didn 't leave me any money ! " Yikes ! Not what parents want to hear . Ronnie quickly grabbed a spare bill and went to the kids ' room to help " find " what the tooth fairy had actually left . Ethan bought it . Whew ! Surely that tooth fairy had learned her lesson ! Last night , Ethan told me that his other top front tooth was loose . And indeed it was . I instructed him to wiggle it really good and saw that it was time to be removed . I offered to yank it out , but he declined , saying that he could do it himself . Alrighty . Sure enough , he got brave and pulled hard enough only to look down at his cloth to see no tooth . It was quite funny to watch . With his mouth hanging open , trying to keep his pearly whites visible and talk at the same time , he mumbled , " Is it still there ? " " Yes , sweetie , it 's still there . You 're going to have to really pull on it hard to get it all the way out . " And that he did ! He pulled and there was his little tooth on the cloth ! " Take a picture , Mama ! " ( It looked gross , so I 'm not sharing . ) Only the money wasn 't there when he woke up . Yup . That tooth fairy done messed up again ! Apparently she was super tired and totally forgot the previous evening 's events and didn 't even think about delivering a reward for Ethan 's bravery . At least that 's what I heard . Someone really should fire this chick and get a more reliable fairy for these kids . I was feeding Melia when Ethan comes charging at me with his Kleenex - bound tooth , declaring in an angry voice , " She didn 't even come ! My tooth is still here and there 's NO money ! " Uh oh . I explained that she had probably been , but why would she really want your tooth anyway , and told him to get dressed while I went to see if I could find his money . For a second I saw a look on his face telling me that he has the worst tooth fairy in the world . I agree , sadly . I quickly grabbed a dollar and headed to his room , pretending to dig under his pillow and yelled out to him , " I found it ! I don 't know why you didn 't see it ! It 's right here ! Come see for yourself ! " Did he buy it ? I don 't know . Did he get his dollar ? Yes . Was he happy ? Yes , he was . Is the tooth fairy in trouble ? Yes , I think she is . Maybe she 'll redeem herself next time . After I scheduled the appointments , I worried about the logistics of my choice . How will I hold Ezra and / or Melia while they 're getting shots while also caring for the other ? How will I console each one after said shots ? Everyone knows that Mama 's hugs take the hurt away . First of all , there 's nothing like the looks of other parents in the waiting room when the nurse comes out and calls not one , not two , but three names and you 're the only family moving . Then there 's nothing like trying to get toddlers to stand still to be weighed and measured . Who am I kidding ? There 's nothing like doing anything with all these kiddos . : ) Nurse Pamela and Dr . Connors are so awesome at taking care of children . They love their jobs and it shows ! They both handled my three - in - one appointment very well and I was very appreciative . Ladies first ! Melia weighs in at 10lbs . 1oz . She 's still a light weight ! This puts her in the 23rd percentile for her age . She is 23 " long which is the 60th percentile so she 's just about average in length . We 're hoping she starts to bulk up soon ! Ezra weighs in at 33 . 6lbs . He is 35 " tall . His weight is the 93rd percentile and his height is the 60th . Therefore , he 's average in height , but a little on the chunky side . The good news is that he is more slim than he was at his last checkup so he 's moving in the right direction ! Elijah is in the 84th percentile for height , measuring 41 " . And his weight is 41 . 6lbs . , which is the 84th percentile . I was told he was on the heavy side as well , but I 'm really not too concerned . He really isn 't big at all ! Everyone is healthy and growing , but we 're preparing to investigate Elijah 's speech a little further . While I can understand most of what he says , there are times that I have no clue what he is saying and we end up playing charades . Many times , when he 's asked to repeat something a few times , he gets frustrated and stops the conversation . I feel so bad for him when he can 't get his point across ! He 's a smart boy and has lots to say , but it is difficult for him to articulate . Dr . Connors explained that I should definitely be able to understand nearly everything he 's saying , and others should be able to understand the majority of his speech , but that 's not the case . The doctor 's office is making contact with the proper venues and we 'll be referred for evaluation soon . Today his hearing was tested and he passed with flying colors so we were able to rule out any audiological problems , thankfully . And I must say , these three kiddos were awesome today ! Elijah and Ezra took the flu mist with no problems , Ezra didn 't flinch when he had his toe poked for blood tests , and Melia only cried a little when she got her THREE shots . I 'm so thankful that they are well cared for and that we have the means to take them for medical care ! I hate snakes . It 's biblical . Remember in Genesis when the serpent convinced Eve to eat the forbidden fruit ? And then Adam did and God found out ? Then when it all came out , God told the serpent he 'd have to crawl on his belly and that there would be enmity between the serpent and the woman . Enmity means hostility or hatred . Therefore , there is enmity between me and any snake I happen to come into contact with , especially when he decides to enter my home . Last Thursday , the kids and I were getting ready to go to the library for preschool story time . I told the boys to go to their rooms to get shoes . They both went to Elijah 's room , so Melia and I went to Ezra 's room . Right about Ezra 's shoe basket was a hole that Ronnie had to put in the wall in order to work on the bath tub faucet in the next room . I 'd been after him to patch it up for awhile , but it hadn 't been done . I was standing in the bedroom , looking down in the shoe basket , when some movement caught my eye . There was a snake crawling into my house through that hole ! I lost it ! I started screaming and yelled at the boys to get out of the house . They had no clue what was going on , but they started screaming and took off . I ran to the phone and called Ronnie . Being 3 . 5 hours away , there wasn 't really anything he could do . He said he 'd get someone over here , but I told him it wouldn 't matter because there was no way I was hanging around waiting on them . When we hung up , I went back to Ezra 's room , but didn 't see the snake . I wasn 't about to go looking for him , so I shut the door and sealed the room off by shoving towels under it . Then I got out of there until Ronnie could get home . When I got home that night , Ronnie had looked through the room , but had no luck finding the snake . But he was sweet and moved Ezra 's bed to the other room . The door was shut again and the towels replaced . Friday , Ronnie repeated the search . He went through the room , looked in all the dresser drawers , and messed around in the closet . ( The closet is messy because that 's where all my craft stuff is and it is far from organized here lately . ) No snake . On Saturday , my dear husband decided it was time to patch the hole . Finally . He did a good job and I was appreciative . He looked again , but found no slithering critter . He assured me that the snake had more than likely gone back out the way it had entered . After all that time , the door was left open , but Ezra stayed in the other room . Monday morning , Ronnie got up and left like normal . I got up , sent Ethan to school , and then I took the other kids to my mom 's so I could help her out some . We got home in time to get Ethan off the bus , to do homework and fix supper before heading to church for revival . Things were going well . Then I had to go to the bathroom . Sorry if this is TMI . I was sitting there when a movement caught my eye at the full length mirror across from me . It was that stupid snake . I jumped up and ran out the bathroom and then out the front door . The boys followed me . I was looking for the shovel , but I couldn 't find it . I started looking for anything to kill that booger with . He wasn 't getting away again ! ( In my mind I was trying to figure out how to get everything we would need for the rest of the week in 2 seconds in case my plan to kill this thing didn 't work . ) Looking around our yard , I saw a tomato plant and there was a porch rail that Ronnie had used to stake the plant . I ran over to it , yanked it out of the dirt , ripped the plant off of it and started back inside . I yelled for Ethan to get Melia and to keep everyone outside . In the bathroom , the snake was still where he had been . I stepped onto the bath tub and rammed his body with my stick . He took off under a box that was sitting at the wall . I used the stick to throw the box out of the way and started jabbing him with the stick . I couldn 't see his head because he went under a pile of clothes , so I was hitting his body . That 's when he brought his head out and struck of the the stick . I tried to hit his head , but missed again and he struck again . I just kept hitting him with the stick with all I had , the whole time praying out loud for God to please help me because I couldn 't do this . Finally , I hit his head and he stopped striking . I hit him a couple more times for good measure and walked out of the bathroom . I called my daddy and asked him to come dispose of the corpse , then I called Ronnie to tell him that I had gotten the snake . Neither of them could hardly understand me because I could barely talk . I could barely breathe and I was shaking like never before . I walked outside to where my babies were and fell on the ground . I just sat there , shaking , until my daddy got there . I had trouble sleeping last night because I kept seeing that snake every time I closed my eyes . But I am thankful for many things in this situation . I 'm thankful that I was the one who saw it both times . If the boys had seen it in their room , they probably would have picked it up , thinking it was a toy . I 'm thankful it didn 't bother my babies while they were sleeping . I 'm thankful it didn 't bite anyone . And I 'm thankful that God gave me the strength and courage to kill it , because that wasn 't me . Not too much to post about this week because I didn 't do very well . I tried eating less , but I was hungry all the time . This led to me overeating right before bedtime . Then there 's the fact that I only exercised one time all week . Not a good combo . I forgot to weigh this weekend , but I remembered today . It was lunch time ( I like to weigh first thing in the morning ) and I had been eating and drinking through the morning , but I was right around where I started . So , I didn 't lose , but I didn 't really gain too much either . And that 's a good thing . Oh well . I 'll try to do better this week . I 'm trying to eat more at breakfast to curb daytime snacking . We 're also eating supper earlier because we have revival this week so maybe that will help as well . There 's the whole gestational diabetes thing . I 've been diagnosed three times and was told that because of this I am at a much higher risk of developing diabetes later in life . I don 't want that . I weighed at my parents ' house ( I don 't want scales at my house so I don 't become obsessive . ) last weekend and again yesterday . And in the first week I 'm down . 6 . Not too bad ! I 'm not going on any crazy diets . I won 't limit myself to only certain foods or take anything crazy . I 'm going to work on portion control and some exercise . I 'm not going to stress if the pounds don 't melt away because I 'm still the sole source of nourishment for Melia . Elijah has just informed me that his baby sister 's name is Mister P . He went over to the pack n play and asked me , " Where is Mister P ? " Once I figured out that he was talking about Melia , I told him I was feeding her . Silly boy was looking at her the whole time . So he comes over and starts singing a personalized song for Mister P . It went something like this : Ronnie and I knew what we were going to name her when we found out we were having a girl , kind of . Melia was originally going to be her middle name , but I decided I didn 't like the first name we had picked as much as I once thought I did . So we decided to name her Melia . For those that haven 't figured it out , " Melia " is " Melissa " without the two " s " es . Since the name isn 't common and I spelled it weird , I have found several different meanings for Melia . I 've seen several meanings according to " Melea " in the Bible , which include " fulness " and " supplied . " I like to think that God supplied us with her after we prayed for her and also that she has made our family full . It is also a common Hawaiian name which means Plumeria , a beautiful flower . Her middle name is Pearl . This is for two reasons . The first is that my great grandmother 's name was Pearl and we try to incorporate a family name as the middle name of each of the kids . The second reason has a cute little story . Ronnie taught Sunday School for the first time back in the spring , in May , I think . While he was teaching , he mentioned patience , and that he had been told he has the patience of a clam . One of the pupils , who had never heard that saying , asked why a clam was considered patient . Ronnie explained that a clam has to be patient in order to take something that irritates it , a grain of sand , and turn it into a beautiful pearl , a process that takes a long time . The student looked over at me and told Ronnie that he must be patient because he got his pearl , meaning me . After that class I told Ronnie that he had been patient and was finally getting a girl ( he always wanted a " Daddy 's Girl " ) so I thought it would be neat to name her Pearl . He agreed and now we have Melia Pearl . It actually didn 't take long for the nurse in L & D to call me back , but at the time it felt like forever . When the phone rang , I grabbed it , but hesitated to answer . I was wondering how I would react when she told me to call back or wait until the next day . I answered and was told that I could come on in , to get there when I could . What ? ! Seriously ? ! I 'm getting to go to the hospital ? Okay ! Last pregnant picture . Once I was changed and in bed , the nurse arrived to start getting me prepped . I was so happy that it was Donna , the nurse who was with me when I had Elijah ! The doctor came in once I was on the IV and explained that the antibiotic needed to be in me for four hours before delivery to prevent a longer hospital stay and since she felt that I have fast labors she wasn 't going to start pitocin just yet and wouldn 't break my water until around 3 . 00 . I said that would be fine . She checked me and I was only around 2 cm dilated . So for the next three hours Ronnie and I hung out in the room waiting for the action to get started . Finally around 3 . 30 the doctor came back to break my water . I was only around 2 . 5 cm when she did that , but once my water was broken , I really started to feel some contractions . The contractions really affected my back . When I would get up to visit the rest room , I would feel better , but as soon as I had to get back in that bed , my back hurt so bad . I mentioned this to Donna and she asked if I wanted the peanut ball . I had no idea what she was talking about so she said she 'd bring it to me and see if it helped . I found out that this is a peanut ball : Oh boy did that thing help ! Donna helped me get on it and I bounced and swayed on that ball for about two hours ! I could still feel the contractions , and some of them hurt , but I could adjust myself so that my back didn 't hurt so bad . The problem with the peanut ball was that the external heart monitor wasn 't picking up baby girl 's heart rate too well . Part of it was that she was moving and part was that I was bouncing all over the place . Because of this , I had to get back in the bed for a bit so we could be sure she was doing okay . Once I hit the bed , the contractions felt 10 times , 100 times worse than before . When everyone left ( but Ronnie ) and I had the chance to focus on my body and nothing else , I started thinking about the epidural . Soon after it was time for Donna to go home so she introduced me to Sue , who would be with me through the night . Right after shift change , I asked to be checked . When I was told I was 5 . 5 cm I opted for the epidural . I felt that I had too far to go and that I was hurting too bad to make it without one . I was disappointed in myself because I had really wanted to deliver without one , but I just couldn 't hack it . It seemed like it took forever for the anesthesiologist to get to my room , but she was there rather quickly since she had just left a C - section down the hall . Ronnie was told to sit in a chair across the room because too many daddies had passed out during the administration before . This made me nervous because he had always been right there with me before . But Sue was great at helping me do what I was supposed to . I was sitting on the bed with my legs crossed ( as well as they would cross with my big belly in the way ) and leaning onto Sue . Let me say , this was the worst , most painful experience of my life . The lady stuck me with some numbing stuff , then tried to insert the epidural . She couldn 't get it to do right . Then she stuck me again and jabbed around in my back . She pulled out and stuck me again . More rough pushing . Oh my word , I thought I would die ! I don 't remember if she stuck me a forth time or not , but she was pushing and talking my ears off about crap I didn 't care about . Then she hit a nerve , literally , and my leg moved with a sharp pain and I screamed . Then she did it again and again . Not having control of a moving body part is such an odd feeling . She asked if I had ever had trouble with an epidural before and I told her no about the time she got it to work . During that process my contractions were coming faster and harder . Before she got it in , I told her and Sue that I needed to push . Baby Girl was coming and I needed to push her out ! NOW ! I had to sit in that position for a couple more minutes while the anesthesiologist finished up . Once she did , I was told I could lay down , but I couldn 't move because I was in the midst of a crazy contraction and had I moved , I believe the baby would have shot out of me ! When the contraction was over , I turned in the bed and the nurse checked me . I know it sounds gross , but she barely touched me and announced , " You 're complete ! " The doctor was called in and was working on getting dressed in her scrubs while I was told to not push . Hardest thing in the world is trying to hold back a baby that wants out ! Finally I was told that I could push and I did with all my might . Her head came out , then her shoulders on the next push and finally the rest of her on the last push of the contraction . I am married to my firefighting , truck - driving , Gospel preaching sweetheart , Ronnie . I am a full time mother to my three wonderful boys , Ethan , Elijah and Ezra , and my beautiful girl , Melia . I am saved by the blood of Jesus . I used to work as a high school Spanish teacher . I enjoy spending time with my guys , baking , taking pictures and blogging . 1 / 12 / 09 : 200 lbs . Postponing this journey , but reminding myself that I got down to 183 before Elijah . : ) I 'll just start over again after August ! |
Published in Jul . 2015 ( Issue 34 ) | 6214 words © 1992 by Lisa Tuttle . Originally published in METAHORROR , edited by Dennis Etchison . Reprinted by permission of the author . Walking through gray north London to the tube station , feeling guilty that he hadn 't let Jenny drive him to work and yet relieved to have escaped another pointless argument , Stuart Holder glanced down at a pavement covered in a leaf - fall of fast - food cartons and white paper bags , and saw , amid the dog turds , beer cans , and dead cigarettes , something horrible . It was about the size of a cat , naked - looking , with leathery , hairless skin and thin , spiky limbs that seemed too frail to support the bulbous , ill - proportioned body . The face , with tiny bright eyes and a wet slit of a mouth , was like an evil monkey 's . It saw him and moved in a crippled , spasmodic way . Reaching up , it made a clotted , strangled noise . The sound touched a nerve , like metal between the teeth , and the sight of it , mewling and choking and scrabbling , scaly claws flexing and wriggling , made him feel sick and terrified . He had no phobias ; he found insects fascinating , not frightening , and regularly removed , unharmed , the spiders , wasps , and mayflies which made Jenny squeal or shudder helplessly . But this was different . This wasn 't some rare species of wingless bat escaped from a zoo , it wasn 't something he would find pictured in any reference book . It was something that should not exist , a mistake , something alien . It did not belong in his world . He straightened up , shaking , and wiped his mouth again and again with his pocket handkerchief . He wondered if anyone had seen , and had a furtive look around . Cars passed at a steady crawl . Across the road a cluster of schoolgirls dawdled near a man smoking in front of a newsagent 's , but on this side of the road , the fried chicken franchise and bathroom suppliers had yet to open for the day , and the nearest pedestrians were more than a hundred yards away . Until that moment , Stuart had never killed anything in his life . Mosquitoes and flies , of course , other insects probably , a nest of hornets once , that was all . He had never liked the idea of hunting , never lived in the country . He remembered his father putting out poisoned bait for rats , and he remembered shying bricks at those same vermin on a bit of waste ground where he had played as a boy . But rats weren 't like other animals ; they elicited no sympathy . Some things had to be killed if they would not be driven away . He made himself look to make sure the thing was not still alive . Nothing should be left to suffer . But his heel had crushed the thing 's face out of recognition , and it was unmistakably dead . He felt a cool tide of relief and satisfaction , followed at once , as he walked away , by a nagging uncertainty , the imminence of guilt . Was he right to have killed it , to have acted on violent , irrational impulse ? He didn 't even know what it was . It might have been somebody 's pet . He stifled a scream . No , of course it was not the same one , but another . His leg twitched ; he felt frantic with the desire to kill it , and the terror of his desire . The thin wet mouth was moving as if it wanted to speak . As the crossing - signal began its nagging blare , he tore his eyes away from the creature squirming at his feet . Everyone else had started to cross the street , their eyes , like their thoughts , directed ahead . All except one . A woman in a smart business suit was standing still on the pavement , looking down , a sick fascination on her face . As he looked at her looking at it , the idea crossed his mind that he should kill it for her , as a chivalric , protective act . But she wouldn 't see it that way . She would be repulsed by his violence . He didn 't want her to think he was a monster . He didn 't want to be the monster who had exulted in the crunch of fragile bones , the flesh and viscera merging pulpily beneath his shoe . Stuart Holder worked as an editor for a publishing company with offices an easy walk from St . Paul 's . Jenny had worked there , too , as a secretary , when they met five years ago . Now , though , she had quite a senior position with another publishing house , south of the river , and recently , they had given her a car . He had been supportive of her ambitions , supportive of her learning to drive , and proud of her on all fronts when she succeeded , yet he was aware , although he never spoke of it , that something about her success made him uneasy . One small , niggling , insecure part of himself was afraid that one day she would realize she didn 't need him anymore . That was why he picked at her , and second - guessed her decisions when she was behind the wheel and he was in the passenger seat . He recognized this as he walked briskly through more crowded streets toward his office , and he told himself he would do better . He would have to . If anything drove them apart it was more likely to be his behavior than her career . He wished he had accepted her offer of a ride today . Better any amount of petty irritation between husband and wife than to be haunted by the memory of that tiny face , distorted in the death he had inflicted . Entering the building , he surreptitiously scraped the sole of his shoe against the carpet . " Joke , Frankie , joke . " He always got his own coffee because he liked the excuse to wander , and he was always having to reassure her that she was not failing in her secretarial duties . He wondered if Next sold sexy underwear , decided it would be unkind to tease her further . It was unthinkable for Jenny to leave work early , as unthinkable as for her not to return his call . He wondered if she was ill . Although he usually stayed in the office until well after six , now he shoved a manuscript in his briefcase and went out to brave the rush hour . He wondered if she was mad at him . But Jenny didn 't sulk . If she was angry , she said so . They didn 't lie or play those sorts of games with each other , pretending not to be in , " forgetting " to return calls . As he emerged from his local underground station , Stuart felt apprehensive . His eyes scanned the pavement and the gutters , and once or twice , the flutter of paper made him jump , but of the creatures he had seen that morning , there were no signs . The body of the one he had killed was gone , perhaps eaten by a passing dog , perhaps returned to whatever strange dimension had spawned it . He noticed , before he turned off the high street , that other pedestrians were also taking a keener - than - usual interest in the pavement and the edge of the road , and that made him feel vindicated , somehow . London traffic being what it was , he was home before Jenny . While he waited for the sound of her key in the lock , he made himself a cup of tea , cursed , poured it down the sink , and had a stiff whiskey instead . He had just finished it and was feeling much better when he heard the street door open . " Oh ! " The look on her face reminded him unpleasantly of those women in the office this morning , making him feel like an intruder in his own place . Now Jenny smiled , but it was too late . " I didn 't expect you to be here so early . " " You look fine . " The familiar sight of her melted away his irritation . He loved the way she looked : her slender , boyish figure , her close - cropped , curly hair , her pale complexion and bright blue eyes . Her cheeks now had a slight hectic flush . She caught her bottom lip between her teeth and gave him an assessing look before coming straight out with it . " How would you feel about keeping a pet ? " " It was under my car . If I hadn 't happened to notice something moving down there , I could have run over it . " She lifted her shoulders in a delicate shudder . She looked indignant . " Well , of course I did ! I couldn 't just leave it in the street - somebody else might have run it over . " Or stepped on it , he thought , realizing now that he could never tell Jenny what he had done . That made him feel even worse , but maybe he was wrong . Maybe it was just a cat she 'd rescued . " What is it ? " She gave a strange , excited laugh . " I don 't know . Something very rare , I think . Here , look . " She slipped the large , woven bag off her shoulder , opening it , holding it out to him . " Look . Isn 't it the sweetest thing ? " How could two people who were so close , so alike in so many ways , see something so differently ? He only wanted to kill it , even now , while she had obviously fallen in love . He kept his face carefully neutral , although he couldn 't help flinching from her description . " Sweet ? " It gave him a pang to see how she pulled back , holding the bag protectively close as she said , " Well , I know it 's not pretty , but so what ? I thought it was horrible , too , at first sight . . . " Her face clouded , as if she found her first impression difficult to remember , or to credit , and her voice faltered a little . " But then , then I realized how helpless it was . It needed me . It can 't help how it looks . Anyway , doesn 't it kind of remind you of the Psammead ? " He recognized the title , but her passion for old - fashioned children 's books was something he didn 't share . He shook his head impatiently . " That thing didn 't come out of a book , Jen . You found it in the street , and you don 't know what it is or where it came from . It could be dangerous , it could be diseased . " " Now you 're being racist . I 'm not going to listen to you . And you 've been drinking . " She flounced out of the room . If he 'd been holding his glass still , he might have thrown it . He closed his eyes and concentrated on breathing in and out slowly . This was worse than any argument they 'd ever had , the only crucial disagreement of their marriage . Jenny had stronger views about many things than he did , so her wishes usually prevailed . He didn 't mind that . But this was different . He wasn 't having that creature in his home . He had to make her agree . Necessity cooled his blood . He had his temper under control when his wife returned . " I 'm sorry , " he said , although she was the one who should have apologized . Still looking prickly , she shrugged and would not meet his eyes . " Want to go out to dinner tonight ? " Her shoulders relaxed . " I 'm sorry . Low blow . Yeah , pour me one . And one for yourself . " She sat down on the couch , her bag by her feet . Leaning over , reaching inside , she cooed , " Who 's my little sweetheart , then ? " Normally he would have taken a seat beside her . Now , though , he eyed the pale , misshapen bundle on her lap and , after handing her a glass , retreated across the room . " Don 't get mad , but isn 't having a pet one of those things we discuss and agree on beforehand ? " He saw the tension come back into her shoulders , but she went on stroking the thing , keeping herself calm . " Normally , yes . But this is special . I didn 't plan it . It happened , and now I 've got a responsibility to him . Or her . " She giggled . " We don 't even know what sex you are , do we , my precious ? " She gave him a withering look and for a moment he faltered , but then he rallied . " Come on , Jenny , be reasonable ! You can 't just drag some strange animal in off the street and keep it , just like that . You don 't even know what it eats . " " But you don 't know , do you ? Maybe the fruit juice was just an aperitif , maybe it needs half its weight in live insects every day , or a couple of small , live mammals . Do you really think you could cope with feeding it mice or rabbits fresh from the pet shop every week ? " " Then we can talk about it . Hey , don 't pout at me ; I 'm not your father , I 'm not telling you what to do . We 're partners , and partners don 't make unilateral decisions about things that affect them both ; partners discuss things , and reach compromises , and . . . " This was why wars were fought , thought Stuart , but he didn 't say it . He was the picture of sweet reason , explaining as if he meant it : " The compromise is that we each try to see the other person 's point . You get the animal checked out , make sure it 's healthy , and I , I 'll keep an open mind about having a pet , and see if I might start liking . . . him . Does he have a name yet ? " In bed that night as he groped for sleep , Stuart kept seeing the tiny , hideous face of the thing screaming as his foot came down on it . That moment of blind , killing rage was not like him . He couldn 't deny he had done it , or how he had felt , but now , as Jenny slept innocently beside him , as the creature she had rescued , a twin to his victim , crouched alive in the bathroom , he tried to remember it differently . In fantasy , he stopped his foot , he controlled his rage , and , staring at the memory of the alien animal , he struggled to see past his anger and his fear , to see through those fiercer masculine emotions and find his way to Jenny 's feminine pity . Maybe his intuition had been wrong , and hers was right . Maybe , if he had waited a little longer , instead of lashing out , he would have seen how unnecessary his fear was . He woke in the middle of the night with a desperate urge to pee . He was out of bed in the dark hallway when he remembered what was waiting in the bathroom . He couldn 't go back to bed with the need unsatisfied , but he stood outside the bathroom door , hand hovering over the light switch on this side , afraid to turn it on , open the door , go in . It wasn 't , he realized , that he was afraid of a creature no bigger than a football and less likely to hurt him ; rather , he was afraid that he might hurt it . It was a stronger variant of that reckless vertigo he had felt sometimes in high places , the fear , not of falling , but of throwing oneself off , of losing control and giving in to self - destructive urges . He didn 't want to kill the thing - had his own feelings not undergone a sea change , Jenny 's love for it would have been enough to stop him - but something , some dark urge stronger than himself , might make him . When he went back inside , more uncomfortable than when he had gone out , he saw the light was on in the bathroom , and as he approached the half - open door , he heard Jenny 's voice , low and soothing . " There , there . Nobody 's going to hurt you , I promise . You 're safe here . Go to sleep now . Go to sleep . " " God , Stuart , what do you want ? It 's obvious to everybody but you that my little friend is healthy and happy . What do you want , a birth certificate ? " She shrugged . " Everybody at work . They 're all jealous as anything . " She planted a kiss on the thing 's pointy head . Then she looked at him , and he realized that she had not kissed him , as she usually did , when he came in . She 'd been clutching that thing the whole time . " I 'm going to keep him , " she said quietly . " If you don 't like it , then . . . " Her pause seemed to pile up in solid , transparent blocks between them . " Then , I 'm sorry , but that 's how it is . " She shook her head , turning away . " I want to stay in . There 's something on telly . You go on . You could bring me something back , if you wouldn 't mind . A spinach bhaji and a couple of naans would do me . " He went out and got take - away for them both , and stopped at the off - license for the Mexican beer Jenny favored . A radio in the off - license was playing a sentimental song about love that Stuart remembered from his earliest childhood : his mother used to sing it . He was shocked to realize he had tears in his eyes . " I do . He 's confused , everything is new and different , I 'm the one thing he can count on . I have to stay with him . He needs me . " " What am I supposed to call it ? Look , you 're not its mother - it doesn 't need you as much as you 'd like to think . It was perfectly all right in the bathroom last night - it 'll be fine in here on its own . " " No , " he said , terrified that she had guessed the truth . If she knew how he had killed one of those things , she would never forgive him . " It 's not true , I don 't - I couldn 't hurt it any more than I could hurt you . " Her face softened . She believed him . It didn 't matter how he felt about the creature . Hurting it , knowing how she felt , would be like committing an act of violence against her , and they both knew he wouldn 't do that . " Just for a few nights , Stuart . Just until he settles in . " The days passed . Jenny no longer offered to drive him to work . When he asked her , she said it was out of her way and with traffic so bad a detour would make her late . She said it was silly to take him the short distance to the station , especially as there was nowhere she could safely stop to let him out , and anyway , the walk would do him good . They were all good reasons , which he had used in the old days himself , but her excuses struck him painfully when he remembered how eager she had once been for his company , how ready to make any detour for his sake . Her new pet accompanied her everywhere , even to work , snug in the little nest she had made for it in a woven carrier bag . " Of course things are different now . But I haven 't stopped loving you , " she said when he tried to talk to her about the breakdown of their marriage . " It 's not like I 've found another man . This is something completely different . It doesn 't threaten you ; you 're still my husband . " But it was obvious to him that a husband was no longer something she particularly valued . He began to have fantasies about killing it . Not , this time , in a blind rage , but as part of a carefully thought - out plan . He might poison it , or spirit it away somehow and pretend it had run away . Once it was gone , he hoped Jenny would forget it , and be his again . But he never had a chance . Jenny was quite obsessive about the thing , as if it was too valuable to be left unguarded for a single minute . Even when she took a bath , or went to the toilet , the creature was with her , behind the locked door of the bathroom . When he offered to look after it for her for a few minutes , she just smiled , as if the idea was manifestly ridiculous , and he didn 't dare insist . So he went to work , and went out for drinks with colleagues , and spent what time he could with Jenny , although they were never alone . He didn 't argue with her , although he wasn 't above trying to move her to pity if he could . He made seemingly casual comments designed to convince her of his change of heart , so that eventually , weeks or months from now , she would trust him and leave the creature with him - and then , later , perhaps , they could put their marriage back together . She lurched back on her heels and got up awkwardly . She blushed and ducked her head as she turned , looking very unlike her usual high - powered self . " Oh , uh , Stuart , I was just - " Before he could ask , Stuart saw the creature , another crippled bat - without - wings , on the floor beside the open bottom drawer of Frankie 's desk . It looked up at him , opened its slit of a mouth and gave a sad little hiss . Around one matchstick - thin leg it wore a fine golden chain which was fastened at the other end to the drawer . She turned away from him , busying herself with her stacks of paper . " I can 't leave it alone . It might get hurt . It might escape . " " I don 't have a boyfriend . " She sounded angry but then , abruptly , the anger dissipated , and she smirked . " I don 't have to have one , do I ? " He was tempted to say yes , but thought of the manuscripts that wouldn 't be sent out , the letters that wouldn 't be typed , the delays and confusions , and he sighed . " Just don 't bring it back again . All right ? " He felt very tired . He could tell her what to do but she would no more obey than would his wife . She would bring it back the next day and keep bringing it back , maybe keeping it hidden , maybe not , until he either gave in or was forced into firing her . He went into his office , closed the door , and put his head down on his desk . It was immediately obvious that it was that way round . The creature might be a vampire - it obviously was - but his wife was no helpless victim . She was wide - awake and in control , holding the creature firmly , letting it feed from a vein in her arm . " I can 't hold down some poor , scared rabbit or dog for him , no . " She made a shuddering face . " Well , really , think about it . You know how squeamish I am . This is so much easier . It doesn 't hurt . " " Oh , don 't start , " she said crossly . " I 'm not going to get any disease from it , and he doesn 't take enough to make any difference . Actually , I like it . We both do . " " No . " She held the scraggy , ugly thing close and gazed at Stuart like a dispassionate executioner . " I 'm sorry , Stuart , I really am , but this is nonnegotiable . If you can 't accept that , you 'd better leave . " This was the showdown he had been avoiding , the end of it all . He tried to rally his arguments , and then he realized he had none . She had said it . She had made her choice , and it was nonnegotiable . And he realized , looking at her now , that although she reminded him of the woman he loved , he didn 't want to live with what she had become . He could have refused to leave . After all , he had done nothing wrong . Why should he give up his home , this flat which was half his ? But he could not force Jenny out onto the streets with nowhere to go ; he still felt responsible for her . " I 'll pack a bag , and make a few phone calls , " he said quietly . He knew someone from work who was looking for a lodger , and if all else failed , his brother had a spare room . Already , in his thoughts , he had left . He ended up , once they 'd sorted out their finances and formally separated , in a flat just off the Holloway Road , near Archway . It was not too far to walk if Jenny cared to visit , which she never did . Sometimes he called on her , but it was painful to feel himself an unwelcome visitor in the home they once had shared . He never learned if the creatures had names . He never knew where they had come from , or how many there were . Had they fallen only in Islington ? ( Frankie had a flat somewhere off Upper Street . ) He never saw anything on the news about them , or read any official confirmation of their existence , but he was aware of occasional oblique references to them in other contexts , occasional glimpses . One evening , coming home on the tube , he found himself looking at the woman sitting opposite . She was about his own age , probably in her early thirties , with strawberry - blond hair , greenish eyes , and an almost translucent complexion . She was strikingly dressed in high , soft - leather boots , a long , black woolen skirt , and an enveloping cashmere cloak of cranberry red . High on the cloak , below and to the right of the fastening at the neck , was a simple , gold circle brooch . Attached to it , he noticed a very fine golden chain , which vanished inside the cloak , like the end of a watch fob . He looked at it idly , certain he had seen something like it before , on other women , knowing it reminded him of something . The train arrived at Archway , and as he rose to leave the train , so did the attractive woman . Her stride matched his . They might well leave the station together . He tried to think of something to say to her , some pretext for striking up a conversation . He was , after all , a single man again now , and she might be a single woman . He had forgotten how single people in London contrived to meet . He looked at her again , sidelong , hoping she would turn her head and look at him . With one slender hand she toyed with her gold chain . Her cloak fell open slightly as she walked , and he caught a glimpse of the creature she carried beneath it , close to her body , attached by a slender golden chain . By then he was wondering if he had really seen what he thought he had seen . The glimpse had been so brief . But he had been deeply shaken by what he saw or imagined , and he turned the wrong way outside the station . When he finally realized , he was at the corner of Jenny 's road , which had once also been his . Rather than retrace his steps , he decided to take the turning and walk past her house . Lights were on in the front room , the curtains drawn against the early winter dark . His footsteps slowed as he drew nearer . He felt such a longing to be inside , back home , belonging . He wondered if she would be pleased at all to see him . He wondered if she ever felt lonely , as he did . Lisa Tuttle was born and raised in the United States , spent ten years in London , and now lives in a remote part of the Scottish highlands . She began writing while still at school , sold her first stories at university , and won the John W . Campbell Award for Best New Science Fiction Writer of the year in 1974 . Her first novel , Windhaven , was a collaboration with George R . R . Martin published in 1981 ; her most recent is the contemporary fantasy The Silver Bough , and she has written at least a hundred short stories , as well as essays , reviews , non - fiction , and books for children . |
Tag Archives : yafiction June 8 , 2017 · 6 : 25 am What 's Up … Thursday ? : A Day Late And A Dollar Short What 's up guys ? How has your week been ? Mine has been absolutely insane . Last Friday was my mom 's birthday . I won 't tell you which one , because I 'd prefer to make it to my next one . On her birthday , we took her out to a nice dinner and gave her our gifts . I got her an action camera like the one I 've used to record a couple of videos on my YouTube channel . Shannon got her a ticket to go see Home Free this October . If you don 't know , they 're a great country acapella group . I don 't even like much country , but these guys are awesome . On Saturday , Shannon , my Mom , and I took a ride on the 1880 Train from Hill City , SD to Keystone , SD and back . It was a lot of fun and something Shannon and I have been wanting to do for years , but never found the time . It was great being to be able to step back in time as we entered vintage rail cars being pulled by an actual steam engine . I took a video and posted it on my YouTube channel here . Warning , it 's close to a two hour video , but I think it 's a reasonably soothing watch . You wouldn 't think riding in a convertible and then a train would wear you out so much , but we were both beat by the time we got home . Of course , Sunday was back to the grind . What I wasn 't prepared for was the hotel being nearly or completely sold out every night . Some nights , even when we 're sold out , I still have most of the night to myself . Not so this week . It seemed like every five minutes or so , somebody needed something . I was hoping to get some writing done , but to tell the truth , this blog post is all the writing at work I 've been able to do all week . I would try to get something on the page , but it always seemed that as soon as I would start to type , either the phone would ring , or someone would magically appear at my desk . Finally I gave up and cued up the next episode of Black Sails and dreamed of running away and turning pirate myself . Of course , one full night was devoted to editing the aforementioned two hour YouTube video . I 'm getting better with my editing skills . I 'm even considering getting a green screen so I can replace the ugly background when I shoot vlogs at work . Now I just need to work on my on - screen presence . The good news is that during my time at home I 've been fairly productive . The bad news is , what I 've been productive at is procrastination . Yes , my office is spotless so that when I do finally sit down to write , I shouldn 't have any distractions , but I 've yet to test this theory by actually sitting down to write . Oh well , this weekend is supposed to be ridiculously hot and Shannon has a lot of homework to do for her masters in English , so I plan on giving her space and working on my own homework . I 'm hoping to even get some serious reading time in over the weekend as we hide from Mister Heat Miser . March 29 , 2017 · 5 : 19 am What I 've Been Up To Since Returning From Pitchfest / Thrillerfest In NYC So I bet you thought we were done with story time . You thought wrong . Hopefully I 'll be able to bring you up to present with this post , but buckle in . It 's going to be a long one . First , I need to explain our living situation prior to my trip . Shannon and I were living in the basement apartment of a house my mom owned . Yes , I was living in my mom 's basement . She rented out the upper part of the house to people coming to the area on vacation . Now , before you start asking why people would come here on vacation , I 'll list a few nearby attractions . Mount Rushmore of course , Deadwood , The Black Hills , Custer State Park , Badlands National Park , and the big money maker , Sturgis . I helped manage the property and the grounds . Now that you know the backstory , I 'll tell you what happened upon my return to South Dakota . Prior to my leaving , the stars aligned for us to buy the house we were living in . My mom wanted to get out of the vacation rental business so she could concentrate on her actual bed and breakfast and making gourmet breakfasts for her guests . Unfortunately , Shannon and I could never have afforded the house on our own . Then a friend of ours told us that her lease on the apartment she was renting was coming up , and she had been told her rent would be going up . We quickly hatched a plan . We would move out of our basement apartment into the upstairs and move our friend into the basement . Money would be tight , but with the rent we got from her , we would just be able to make it . So the moment I returned from my trip , we frantically started packing . Unfortunately , she had renters through the Sturgis motorcycle rally , so we couldn 't start moving upstairs just yet . We had to content ourselves with getting as much packed up as we could so we would be ready as soon as the last renters left . Boxes quickly filled our living room . I dragged my feet when it came to packing up my office in hopes I would get a little time behind the keyboard . No such luck . We couldn 't believe how much stuff we had accumulated in the years we had lived down there . I wish I could say we threw a lot of it out , but we were in such a hurry , we just packed everything in hopes of sorting through it when we unpacked . More on that later . Now it was time to start the actual move . It would have been nice to unpack as we moved , but no such luck . Our friend had to be out of her apartment by the end of the month , so we ended up putting all the boxes in the room that was to become my new office . It went from this , The furniture was another story . Luckily by then we were able to place our furniture roughly where we wanted it . I couldn 't have done it without the help of my younger cousin and a friend though . I like to think of myself as strong , but I 'm not the young buck I once was . I ended up overdoing it and throwing out my back which laid me up for several days . Once we got her moved in , we still had our mountain of stuff to contend with . As I said , we had planned to get rid of things we didn 't need as we unpacked . This didn 't happen . In short , we were tired of living in a war zone , so the easiest way to deal with anything we weren 't sure what to do with is throw it in the attic to be dealt with later . And there it still sits . I keep promising myself that I will start bringing it down one box at a time , to be sorted through . Sadly , just when it seemed life was starting to get back to normal and we were down to our last dozen or so boxes , tragedy struck . A dear family member passed away unexpectedly in an accident . The grieving process was terrible . Once everyone had come to terms with the fact that she was gone , there was her estate to contend with . If we thought sorting through the stuff we 'd collected over the course of our short time downstairs was difficult , we were in for a surprise . Imagine how much stuff you collect over the course of a lifetime . I have to give thanks to Shannon 's uncle who took the reins as executor . Shannon and I were at a loss for where to even start . I still feel guilty that we weren 't more help . Next came my grandfather 's reading lamp which had been in storage for years . I finally had a ceiling high enough to use it . Of course the small bookcase was barely big enough to house my writing reference books , so I needed something bigger . I was going to just buy a cheap one , but then inspiration struck . ( Or maybe it was pinterest . ) I started with ten wooden crates and stacked them to see how they would look . I liked the look , but they were too nice . I needed something more rustic , so I aged them and put an appropriate logo on them . I 'm a pirate at heart , after all . Bonus points if you recognize the logo . And that brought us to Thanksgiving . We literally unpacked the last box the day before . I had volunteered to cook and host at our house . My mom has always done it in the past , but I thought that I could take some of the work off of her shoulders . Besides , I 'm a pretty good cook if I say so myself . Thanksgiving went off without a hitch . Everyone seemed to enjoy my food and we all had a good time . Luckily , we aren 't the type that has family drama that ruins holidays . Following closely on Christmas ' heels was of course New Year 's Eve . For once , I had the night off . I 'm sorry to report that Shannon and I stayed in and were yawning long before the ball dropped . When it did , we had our new year 's kiss and headed off to bed . I blinked , and January was half over . Still , I decided to do what amounts to a resolutions vlog on my YouTube channel even if it was two weeks late . I won 't even go into what my resolutions were because I failed miserably on most counts . Not long after that vlog , I had an incident at work involving a criminal who had come in off the street . When I ran him off , he threatened to come back with friends . I played brave , but I have to admit , I was a little scared , especially when he showed back up about a week later . I immediately called the police , even though he claimed to have been so high , he didn 't remember threatening me in the first place . I gave him ample warning , but he was there when the police arrived . Upon searching him , they found enough drugs to arrest him on a class five felony . I was ordered to appear before a grand jury and give testimony in the case . Now , I suffer from anxiety on the best of days , but this sent me over the edge . I wasn 't so much concerned for myself , but a quick google search for my name made it clear how easy it was to find my address . I didn 't want him to come looking for me and find Shannon . I did everything I could to remove any personal information from the internet , but that took time . In the meantime , he posted bail . Apparently , all my stressing was for naught . It seems the same day he got out , he was arrested for shoplifting and another felony drug offense . Needless to say , he was back in immediately without bail . Hopefully he goes away for a long time . At least long enough to forget about me . If he even remembers me at all with all the drugs . Once my tooth was fixed , it was time to celebrate my fortieth birthday in style . We went to the local speakeasy . I started with a glass of absinthe . I know there were more drinks after that , but I honestly can 't recall what they were . There was an option on the menu for three courses of the bartender 's choosing . I was told what they all were , but just don 't remember at this point . They were all tasty and very strong . Starting at the beginning of March , I began blogging faithfully . I now post three times a week . Mondays , I recap what I 've read / am currently reading . Wednesdays ( today ) is a general blog . This is where I 'll share what I 've been up to writing wise or whatever else I feel like sharing . I 'm also hoping to answer your questions and comments so message me on my social pages . I 'll post links below . Finally , Fridays are Flash Fiction Fridays . I post very short stories , just to give you an idea of my writing style and hopefully leave you wanting more . I 'm also starting to vlog on YouTube more often . I 'm hoping to do at least one a week . I 'm still trying to nail down a good day though . I tried Friday , but that didn 't work out . Maybe Wednesday . I also bought an action camera to post bonus videos of my motorcycle rides through the black hills . I hate to admit this , but with my life in complete upheaval , I haven 't actually gotten much real writing done . That 's finally changing though . I 'm working on a regular writing schedule and the words are flowing again . I 'm experimenting with outlining once again . I 've never had much luck with it , but I 'm trying to approach it with a more open mind this time . And that brings us up to the present . Needless to say it 's been a crazy year , but at least it 's given me things to blog about . Now to think of what I 'm going to write about next week . March 25 , 2017 · 2 : 49 pm Flash Fiction Friday Number 4 : Reymir 's Savior Welcome to another Flash Fiction Friday . On a Saturday . Apologies . The time got away from me yesterday . So since we 're already running late , let 's get into it . Shall we ? Reymir wandered down the dirt road that ran through his village , dwelling on his misfortunes . There were almost too many to count . He had always been the fat kid . Other kids made fun of him mercilessly . Girls were out of the question . His father was an abusive addict , but nevertheless was a village elder , so nobody would speak out against him . And then there was Bearok . " What ? " He said , turning around . He had been so engrossed in his myriad miseries that the surprise of being torn from them made it come out sounding more angry than he had intended . As if summoned by Reymir 's mere thoughts , he found himself face to face with Bearok , his constant tormentor . Reymir curled into a ball on the ground , covering his head in anticipation of the beating to come . His years of experience with his father 's temper had trained him for this . He squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for his mother to come and rescue him . An odd thing for him to do since she had died giving birth to him . His father had implied on numerous occasions that it was his size , even then , that had killed her . Reymir waited for the first punch to land , but it never did . He felt a hand on his shoulder and flinched . The hand didn 't hurt . It gently squeezed his shoulder . He cautiously opened his eye , just in case it was some sort of trick . It wasn 't Bearok at all . It was Terek , the son of the chieftain . He extended a hand to help Reymir up from the dirt . Reymir looked around and saw Bearok standing a few feet away , holding his nose and hate burning in his eyes . As Reymir watched , blood began to seep between his fingers . Reymir nodded and immediately made himself a promise . If Terek were ever in trouble , he 'd make sure he was nearby to help . He owed his savior that much . And that 's it . I wrote this story in part to satisfy a friend who wanted a little more backstory on Terek and Reymir . I hope you enjoyed it . As I said earlier , part two in the series is coming soon . Stephanie felt the gel slipping from her face and she opened her eyes . This time there was no disorientation . She knew exactly where she was . She had just completed her test . The past few days had just been part of the simulation . All the pain , the abject terror , the heartbreak , had been a lie . She should have felt anger , but she was too exhausted for that . Her muscles felt like jelly , but she willed herself not to fall . All lethargy left her body as she began to panic . She had heard what happened to people whose results came back as classified . They disappeared , never to be seen again . She tried to bolt , but the guards were already there to catch her and haul her toward the doors . They didn 't take her through the large double doors . Instead , at the last second , they veered left . One of the guards placed his hand against the wall and a small , hidden door opened . As they dragged her through it , she tried to struggle free , but one of the guards pressed a small metal object against her neck and then everything went black . Oh yes , I had just arrived at Thrillerfest and was starstruck by all the famous authors I saw just standing around like normal people . Thanks to the help of Sandra Brannan , author of the Liv Bergen mystery series , and my personal friend , I got checked in , received my swag , and found myself free to mingle amongst the crowd . The crowd filled with bestselling writers . Surprisingly , they all turned out to be pretty normal people . Or at least , as normal as us artistic types can be . The point is , none of them seemed to think they were any better than me and were even willing to give as much advice as I could take . They all seemed to remember when they were at my level and honestly , didn 't seem to think they were that far ahead of me . The highlight was when I approached R . L . Stine and timidly called him Mr . Stine and he told me to call him Bob . Here I was , on a first name basis with an author I had read for years . I 'm not going to claim I read them as a kid , because the first one came out when I was a senior in high - school , but I read all of them I could get my hands on when they did come out . Luckily my girlfriend at the time had little brothers . I chatted with Bob for a few minutes before making room for his other fans and mingled in the crowd . I was sure to talk to as many famous authors as I could , but I also talked to several people like me who were still looking to break in and find an agent . It truly felt like a community . There wasn 't any of that competitive backstabbing you get in other professions . I do have to confess one thing though . A couple of times , I found myself talking to someone , thinking they were there to find an agent like I was , but when I looked at their badge , I realized they were very successful authors that I just didn 't recognize . I 'm not going to say their names just in case they ever read this blog . To be fair , it 's hard to memorize a face when you 've only seen it on the back of a book . Anyway , when the mingling was done , everyone who was pitching a book was ushered downstairs for orientation . We were told we would stand in line to meet each agent and would have a limited time to pitch . I can 't remember what the official time was ( I believe it was either one or two minutes ) but we would be given that time to pitch , then the agent would either say they weren 't interested or if they were , would tell you what they wanted and how to get it to them , Of course the agents had discretion to either extend your time , or to cut you off if they could tell they weren 't interested . Both happened to me , although I 'm happy to say the former happened way more often than the latter . After orientation , we were paired with successful authors who gave us helpful advice for pitching . I was paired with Lissa Price , author of Starters and Enders . She was very sweet and helpful . I was sorry to say I hadn 't read her books , but both Shannon and her sister had and loved them . I 'm currently reading Starters . My heart sank when , after my practice pitch , in which I had referred to my book as Dystopian YA , she told me that dystopian had become somewhat of a bad word in the publishing business and to avoid using it at all costs . With her help , we came up with an alternative genre . I can 't at the moment remember what that was , but she said other than that one thing , my pitch was good and sounded interesting . I shook her hand and thanked her profusely before making my way back upstairs to pitch . My first pitch went very well and she asked me for pages . My second , not so much . I got a few words into my pitch and my brain completely locked up . I couldn 't for the life of me string together a coherent sentence . I started to panic . My heart started to race and I couldn 't even think . Finally , I had to get up and walk away . Looking back , I think it was just that this particular agent clearly wasn 't interested from the get go and showed it . His glazed over eyes flustered me and things went downhill from there . After that , things began to go more smoothly . Even though I don 't think my alternative genre fooled anyone , there was still quite a bit of interest . Once I had pitched to everyone on my list , there was still some time left . I didn 't expect much , but I didn 't see any point in standing there twiddling my thumbs when there were agents willing to talk to me . Surprisingly , this strategy was more successful than I expected and two asked for pages . All told , six agents wanted to see partials , and two wanted the whole thing . Even better , there were also publishers there and I got a yes from my dream publisher . Again , I 'm not going to name names , because I don 't want to jinx it . After the pitching was done , I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders . the hard part was done . Now I could enjoy the rest of the convention , starting with the Thrillerfest opening reception . There , while enjoying some delicious food and cocktails , I was able to talk to more authors of all levels . I found myself seeking out other pitchfest attendees just to find out how they did . I was afraid my success was just normal and some of the agents were just being polite . As it turned out , this was definitely not the case . Many of my fellow attendees had only gotten a couple of yesses , while some hadn 't gotten any at all . I found myself becoming more and more embarrassed at my success . Finally , Sandra Brannan found me and asked how I had done . When I told her , she first looked surprised , then gave me a huge hug . Apparently , my success was very unusual indeed . March 2 , 2017 · 6 : 53 am It 's March Already ? ! ? ! ? ! ? My Trip To NYC For Thrillerfest / Pitchfest 2016 part 1 Are we really already two full months into the year already ? Say it isn 't so . Well , I guess it 's better late than never . Actually , looking back at my last post , I realize that a lot has actually happened both in my personal life and my career . I 'm just now realizing that I haven 't posted since May of last year . I truly am ashamed . Well , no point crying over spilled milk . I 'm not going to promise to do better . I know I 've made that promise over and over in the past and haven 't delivered . So this time , rather than tell you I 'm going to post more regularly , I 'll just have to show you . So as I was saying , a lot has happened in both my personal life and my career since my last post . The last time we talked , I was getting ready to go to Thrillerfest / Pitchfest in NYC . I went , and it was an absolutely amazing experience . Sandra Brannan , author of the Liv Bergen mystery series , and a personal friend of mine , runs Pitchfest . When she invited me to come , she described it as speed dating with agents . I couldn 't have been more excited . Upon arriving in NYC , a city I haven 't visited since a class trip in seventh grade , I was amazed . I have spent my share of time in big cities , but none of them are quite like New York . Just the sheer press of people at all hours of the day and night is enough to make you claustrophobic . I climbed into my first New York taxi , and he dropped me off in front of my home for the several days , The Jane Hotel . It 's an awesome little throwback hotel complete with a staff dressed in classic bellboy uniforms . Everyone there was extremely helpful . They quickly checked me in without an issue and I took the elevator up to my room . That 's it . That 's the entire room . Actually , believe it or not , the picture makes it look a little bigger than it actually is . Apparently , when it opened , it catered to sailors who were used to tiny berths . Still , I was in The Big Apple to meet with publishers . I didn 't plan on spending much time in it anyway . Besides , at less than $ 100 a night for a guy flying solo , it was a great deal . The next morning , I was up early , jumped in the communal shower at the end of the hall before most of the other guests were even awake , put on my best suit , and was out the door ready to make the long walk to the nearest subway station . I quickly rethought this when I was greeted with a blast as if from a hair dryer as I opened the doors . Knowing I was going to be meeting with agents , the last thing I wanted to do was walk over a mile in near 100 degree weather in a suit . I quickly slipped back inside and did the only sensible thing . I called myself an Uber . I wasn 't expecting all the swag they gave me . Books by authors in attendance that hadn 't even been published yet . I believe one was a galley proof . I made sure to get as many of them signed as possible . There was also a baseball cap , my id badge , which came in a neck wallet which came in handy during the rest of my adventures in New York , and of course , itineraries , programs , and a map so I didn 't get lost . |
Author Archives : Aradhna Cape Town 2017 : Day 3 Every morning when we woke up , the first thing we 'd do was look outside the big glass windows ( the ones that stretched from one end of the apartment to the other ) in search of the sun . Would we finally be able to go up Table Mountain ? No . Sunday was not the day . We were a little lazy that morning and decided to make it a lazy day . Premsheela wanted to go back to Boulders Beach in Simon 's Town to see the penguins but I really wasn 't keen on driving all the way back there , since we had just passed through Simon 's Town the previous day . We still had to go to the winelands , and Sophia and my high school friend Priscilla wanted to get together that day . Sophia was in constant contact with me that day because we really wanted to spend some time together , given that me visiting her in Cape Town was so long overdue , and the previous night didn 't work out . Just thinking about what I 'm going to say about it in the next few paragraphs is making me smile . But I 'll get to that in a bit . Although it was a dull day , the sun peeped out now and then and it wasn 't actually cold . We embraced the fact that there was no wind either by wearing light clothes . The drive to Constantia was fun - Premsheela had opened a massive slab of Kit - Kat , which my trusty co - driver Surbhi handed to me . That , and chips . I found it very odd having chocolate and chips at 10 in the morning , but I figured stuff it , I 'm on holiday . And with Premsheela there , I expected nothing less . The GPS took us into the middle of Constantia , which wasn 't exactly where I had in mind , but I knew we weren 't far off from where I wanted to be - Groot Constantia . Constantia is probably the most beautiful suburb in Cape Town as the majority of the homes are Dutch style . The streets are lined with trees and are immaculate . It actually reminded me of Bavaria a little , particularly Schwangau , the area around Neuschwanstein Castle . When we got to Groot Constantia , the guard at the entrance asked where we were going . I said something stupid like " We 're just going to walk around a little " , and he gave me a brochure saying we could go have lunch at the restaurant . I said it was a good idea and that we 'd probably do that , knowing full well we weren 't actually going to do that . I was hungry though . There was ample parking so I had no trouble finding a spot . We walked around a little enjoying the peace and quiet of the vineyards . The grape trees carried on for as far as the eye could see , and the roads were lined with white and red rose bushes . After dodging the occasional car for our " road trip " photos , we found what appeared to be a park with rolling grass steps . Only , the steps were large and quite steep . We could have walked around them , but we were with Premsheela , so of course we had to climb . Surbhi and I found spots that weren 't as steep so we could walk up on our two feet rather than on all fours like Premsheela . Surbhi was just as amusing too , as she was taking so many baby steps so that she could stay upright . I couldn 't help but giggle . The entire time , I was having an argument in my head as to whether or not to go to Boulders Beach , because on one hand I didn 't want to drive all the way back there , but on the other hand , I didn 't want Premsheela to leave South Africa not having seen the penguins in the one place you can see them here . I try to live my life without regrets , so I didn 't want to be the one stopping Premsheela from seeing something she might never see again . It just wouldn 't have been fair . * The reason I mentioned us using Premsheela 's phone for taking selfies on the wet grass is because while we were on our way to the Waterfront , her phone decided to crash . It required a factory reset , so we basically lost all the photos she had taken and sitting on that wet grass for so long was for nothing . The photos I posted above are ones that she had sent out to other friends , thankfully , so we got those back . It was already closing on 12pm and time was of the essence , so after taking a quick walk to the wine cellar and having a look around ( I know , a total fail considering where we were ) , we left for Boulders Beach , much to Premsheela 's delight . Constantia is pretty much half way between the city and Boulders Beach , so the fact that I had already driven half the distance and only had 30 minutes more to go made my decision easier . Premsheela offered to sing for me to show her appreciation , but when I refused ( knowing how ridiculous it would be ) , she offered her most prized possession instead : chocolate . I couldn 't help but laugh , and started on the drive to Boulders Beach . We had to go up the winding road over the mountain again , and this time the views were much better because the sky was relatively clear . We reached Boulders Beach just before 1pm ; a good time . We paid special attention to the signage in Simon 's Town this time and it was evident that there weren 't clear enough signs for us to have noticed it the previous day . I felt slightly better . There was a wooden walkway on either side of the small ticket kiosk - we assumed the left side was for people exiting the premises and the right was the entrance , but it turned out that there was no set direction . It was R40 each if I remember correctly , which I thought was quite reasonable . It as only a matter of minutes before we spotted the first penguin . We were surprised to see them that far away from the water , waddling underneath such thorny bushes . I don 't know if penguins are usually that chilled or whether they 're just used to seeing people around , but it was as if some of them were posing for photos . After a while we came to what appeared to be an " official entrance " to the actual beach , and there was a long queue . We were confused because we had already paid for our tickets and weren 't sure whether this was something else or not . I stood a little out of the line trying to see who was being let through the entrance separate to the one people were queuing in front of , but I was too far to make out clearly . I purposely stood with my right hand visible - the one which was holding our tickets - and it worked in alerting one of the staff who gestured for us to proceed passed the queue . Thankfully we were only in the queue for a few minutes . One we got through the gate , we were met with an open area where we could see the whole beach . There were dozens of penguins walking around , and what I enjoyed just as much as the view was the weather : there was barely even a breeze despite the fact that we were right on the beach , and it wasn 't cold either . I know I keep mentioning the weather when it came to this trip , but winter is a funny time of year in Cape Town and it 's practically a miracle for it to be dry and not cold , so we took what we could get . When we walked back to the parking lot , we came across a souvenir shop as well as a coffee shop / restaurant which was above it . We thought we could get something to eat take away , but Surbhi and I decided to settle for a cup of coffee while Premsheela browsed around the shop . We went upstairs , ordered 2 cappuccinos , and waited patiently while Surbhi took photos of the random ocean - themed decorations around the restaurant . What was nice about being with Surbhi and Premsheela was that they really were tourists , and I remembered how I am when I 'm in a foreign country where I find interesting what a local would normally overlook . We got our coffee and went back downstairs to meet Premsheela , and she was still choosing what she wanted . I didn 't blame her because there were dozens of miniature penguins to choose from and all were so cute . I was actually quite tired and a little cold , so I waited on the benches outside . I think the girls thought I was still mad about coming to Boulders Beach , but I was actually just a little preoccupied . We were there for another 15 - 2o minutes while they choose what they wanted . I didn 't want to rush them at all - they are never going to go there again . I was keeping Sophia up to date regarding our whereabouts , so informed her as soon as we were leaving . She was at the Waterfront with her mom so there was no rush to get to her since they had no plans for the rest of the day , and she asked me to call when I was close to the city so she could tell us exactly where she was . I did exactly that and found that she was in the Zara at the mall at the Waterfront . We parked where we had done so on the Friday , and walked over to the mall . It looked exactly how I remembered it from 9 years ago , and I felt a little nostalgic . I walked through Zara while Surbhi and Premsheela went to answer nature 's call . I couldn 't find Sophia or her mom anywhere and figured they were in the change rooms , so I went back outside to wait for the girls . Upon their return , I called Sophia and she said that they were indeed in the change rooms and were now paying . We walked back into the shop and there she stood , in the queue with her mom . I can 't quite describe just how happy I feel when I see or even speak to Sophia . She is definitely my most beloved friend . The warmth with which both Sophia and her mom greeted not only me , but Surbhi and Premsheela with , is something I don 't think any of us will forget . After Sophia was done paying , we headed to Gucci ( if I remember correctly ) to get a jacket for Sophia 's cousin from Australia . They didn 't have it , and after Sophia 's mom complained about the price of the tiny underwear ( it was like R700 for a pair ) , we left . I had already told Sophia at least 2 hours prior to meeting about how little Premsheela eats and that we were starving , so as the 2 of us walked ahead of the girls and Sophia 's mom , she gave me some options on where to go so that we could all eat something . I didn 't need to worry about Surbhi at all , but Premsheela was another story . I couldn 't let her go a full day without eating at least one decent meal . I found myself occasionally turning back to check on whether or not the girls were comfortable enough walking alone with Sophia 's mom , and it was evident that they were . Surbhi smiled back at me as a reassurance , and Sophia told me not to worry because her mom loves people from India . It was as if I had introduced the girls to my own family - I loved it . As we walked to a familiar part of the Waterfront and headed towards the food market , we finally got our first clear view of Table Mountain . Surbhi remembered the big yellow frame we had seen from afar on Friday and asked if we could take a photo there . Sophia assured us that we 'd be passing it , so we stopped there when we did . I think what I enjoyed the most was the fact that we were in no hurry at all at this point - it was just a chilled afternoon with people I adore . Photos done , we headed for the food market where Sophia proceeded to give us a full tour of every stall in the entire place . We were mostly focused on where the girls could eat , and Sophia pointed out her favourite places for both veg and non - veg while her mom guarded a table for us patiently downstairs . The market has a balcony - like area upstairs with a handful of stalls - there was an Indian stall there that served dosas , so it was perfect for the girls . I asked Sophia which stall was her favourite , and she pointed it out to me so I got exactly what she recommended - a pulled lamb flatbread . It really was amazing so I 'm glad I went for it . I went to fetch the girls from upstairs but their dosas weren 't ready . I told them where we were sitting which was literally at the bottom of the stairs , and they agreed to meet us back there . I feel very happy when I see people eating , so when they came down with their food , I couldn 't help but smile at them , especially Premsheela who pretty much doesn 't eat . Sophia and her mom were the most pleasant of hosts too , and I still felt like I was sitting with family . After all , Sophia and I have been best friends for 20 years , so listening to her mom talking to friends who , in comparison , I had only just met , made me feel very proud . After we had what was left of Sophia 's Nutella and banana waffle which she insisted we taste , it was time to say bye . Sophia 's mom 's flight was at 6 : 30pm the following day , and ours was at 6pm , so we were pretty sure we would see each other one last time at the airport . I really hoped we would , cos that would be awesome . As we said our goodbyes , my high school friend Priscilla informed me that she was on her way to meet us . Considering I had last seen her 15 years ago , I was pretty excited . Since Premsheela and I had left our jackets in the car , we decided to use the 20 or so free minutes that we had to go back to the car to fetch them before Priscilla arrived . However , since it was dusk , everything was just so damn beautiful , and the tablecloth ( i . e . the clouds ) was coming over the Table Mountain , so we couldn 't help but stop to take more photos . By the time we were done wandering around the area , Priscilla had arrived and since we were near the ferris wheel , I suggested that as the meeting spot . When I spotted her , she screamed with delight and we obviously hugged each other . But not just once … I actually don 't know how many times . It was a super happy moment seeing her after that long and I think we were both in slight disbelief that that much time had passed . It was insane . Priscilla walked with us to the car so we could get our jackets , all the time trying to catch up on what the other has been doing for the last decade and a half . There was so much to say that we had to try to summarize everything , but at the same time it was as though no time had passed . I was glad that I had told her I was coming to Cape Town and will be forever grateful for the fact that she made a plan to meet us at such short notice . I think real friends are the ones who make time in their diary for you ; even though she had a full weekend planned , she still managed to squeeze in some time to spend with us . We had all eaten so we decided just to have coffee somewhere . Priscilla suggested Quay 4 , a restaurant adjacent to the water . We choose a table right next to the railing so we got an amazing view of the Waterfront . The amusing part of the evening , apart from Premsheela 's insanity , was the seagulls . There were several times where we thought they were going to fly straight into us , but somehow we managed to dodge them . We spent a little over an hour at Quay 4 not only catching up but also talking about our current lives , both personally and professionally . It was funny how much we could relate to each other , and I 'm not just talking about Priscilla and I . What was good was that the girls got along with her too - the defining moment was without a doubt when she described how the wind hits you in Cape Town . I wish I had caught that on video but Priscilla , you really made our day with that face . Poor Priscilla had to go to work the next day , so we had to leave fairly early . After we finally got the waiter 's attention ( we thought he had gone all the way to the paper mill to manufacture the paper with which to print the bill on ) , we paid and left . Priscilla had taken an Uber to meet us since she doesn 't have a car ( she doesn 't need one thanks to Cape Town 's fabulous public transport system called My City , which works like London 's Oyster card ) , so she walked us to the entrance of the parking lot where we said our goodbyes . I 'm so glad we met up , Priscilla . You were one of the few genuine people I knew from high school that I wouldn 't hesitate to hang out with again . You 've not changed a single bit , and I hope you never do ! The girls and I headed back to the apartment , pretty tired , but feeling good . That night , after watching some random music videos and some episodes of Full House , we decided to watch Queen , a Bollywood film about a girl whose fiance dumped her right before the wedding which prompted her to go on her honeymoon to Europe alone . I love that movie because she kind of reminded me of my first solo trip which was also to Europe , and I could relate to her character because of that . After watching Queen , we headed to bed . But we didn 't sleep because Surbhi and I had so much to talk about . It was also still too early for Premsheela who proceeded to watch more Full House on what sounded like full volume . Surbhi and I were eventually at the point of wanting to actually sleep , but we couldn 't because of the TV volume . Surbhi then decided to do something about it . Cape Town 2017 : Day 2 It was obvious from the noise of the TV that Premsheela was awake around 5 that Saturday morning , but until Surbhi woke up and went to the lounge to find out what Premsheela was doing , I didn 't realize she was awake too . Premsheela was already watching more Full House , and complained that we sleep too much . Surbhi argued that we 're normal people that need 8 hours of sleep , then came back to snooze . It was definitely going to be an entertaining few days . There are so many gorgeous beaches and viewpoints on the way from the city to the Cape of Good Hope that we couldn 't help but stop somewhere - just before Simon 's Town . We just wanted to take a few pictures , but Premsheela went all the way down to the water and decided to take off her shoes . Surbhi and I eventually gave in and decided to join her . We ended up spending at least an hour playing around in the ice cold water of the Atlantic . The water was so cold that my feet felt as though I was being stabbed with hot daggers . We got to the Cape of Good Hope around midday and hiked all the way up to the lighthouse rather than taking the funicular . Premsheela marched ahead of us - I think her energy comes from all that chocolate she eats . She really is a chocolate queen . We wanted to take a group selfie with the lighthouse in the background , but as you can see , she was already too far ahead to even hear us properly . If you 've ever been to Cape Point , you 'd know that it is insanely windy . I think I spent as much time trying to control my hair as I did doing that climb . Of course , even when we only had one shot at a photo of all 3 of us with Cape Point in the background , my hair couldn 't give a damn . After admiring the views from the lighthouse , Surbhi wanted to take the Lighthouse Keeper 's Trail which is a path that takes you along a sheer cliff - face below the old , more well - known lighthouse , to the new one which Surbhi 's head is blocking in the above photo . I wasn 't too sure about doing it because of the time and also because the sign said it was a 1 . 5 hour hike there and back . After a little thought I decided to do it because I figured we 'd never come there again , at least not together , and I hadn 't done it before either . I let the girls go ahead as I stopped to take photos . Many times . The path was on the right side of the cliff because there was absolutely no wind at all . It was absolutely silent , and all we could see was False Bay below us and the Cape Peninsula encompassing it . It was other - worldly . The hike back up was … challenging . But everyone knows I my fitness levels are in the negative , so it shouldn 't be surprising . It wasn 't that bad though , I just stopped here and there to breathe and I was fine after that . Premsheela wanted to walk back down whereas Surbhi wanted to take the funicular just so she could experience it . She 's like me in more ways than one , and this was just another example of how similar we are . I totally understood her desire to go on it , and I myself wanted to use it too cos I really had had enough of the wind . Premsheela carried on down the same path we had climbed earlier , and Surbhi and I went to find out the cost of the tickets for the funicular . When the guy told us the price , we weren 't impressed as it was just one way and didn 't really want to spend more money unnecessarily . When we turned to leave , he told us he 'd do us a favour and charge us only for one ticket , as long as we gave him the money discreetly . We figured we 'd take up the opportunity because heck , why not ? He then opened the " special entrance " for us and let us through , bypassing all the other people who were queuing . I think he felt bad when he saw our expressions after hearing the price - it was very kind of him . I felt good knowing that someone local had been s0 kind to us , especially to my foreign friend . I was the designated driver since the girls don 't know how to drive ( yet ) , so I couldn 't eat . Surbhi is without a doubt the best passenger I 've had . When we were on our way to Cape Point in the morning , she held out a handful of chips for me to take from , and when we left for Hout Bay after getting our muffins , she broke pieces off of it so that I could just grab it without having to struggle or even look away from the road . She did the same with pieces of chocolate too . It 's the little things . Thanks Surbhi . Hout Bay is around 40 minutes back towards the city from Cape Point and we headed straight for it . I didn 't actually know what we were going to do apart from enjoying Chapman 's Peak drive and the views of Hout Bay itself . I was also hoping to have some fish from Mariner 's Wharf , the local restaurant in the harbour , but I wasn 't sure if I would be able to since both girls are vegetarian and I would have felt bad to have something non - vegetarian . I didn 't say anything about it though . Minutes after we arrived at the Hout Bay harbour , Surbhi asked if I want to have the fish . I was surprised because it was as if she had read my mind . I said yes , but that we should walk around a little . We really thought it was going to rain because there were threatening clouds behind us . In fact , there was a different weather pattern in every direction we turned , so we basically just followed the light . After taking in the views and a bunch of silly selfies ( we went a little mad at one point ) , we started walking back until Surbhi again asked if I want to have the fish . I couldn 't say no , but I knew she hadn 't eaten either so asked if they would both sit down and have at least some chips with me . They actually just wanted to play in the water again , so me having the fish I so wanted was the perfect opportunity for them . I didn 't mind at all , since I 'd be able to sit outside where I could see them . The fish was to die for - it was as fresh as I expected it to be . It was just battered hake , nothing fancy , and chips . Mariner 's Wharf now also makes their own craft beer called Olde Seadog Beer which is a must . I 'm glad I could give it a try because it was so worth it . If Surbhi and Premsheela weren 't real friends , I would have felt bad sitting there eating alone , but that didn 't happen even once . You can tell when people are genuine , and these two girls are . It might seem insignificant , but when a friend warmly smiles and waves at you , it says a thousand words . We didn 't spend too long in Hout Bay , probably just over an hour . I suppose we could have done more but I myself wasn 't too familiar with what the place had to offer apart from the stunning views . Anyway , I wasn 't keen on driving back at night since I wasn 't familiar with the roads . We made our way back to the city and something I just had to do was see the sunset from Camps Bay . I had done it when I was last in Cape Town in 2008 , and I just had to see it again . It 's funny , I 've never seen a sunrise in my home town of Durban , but I 've seen several sunsets in other parts of the world . My best friend Sophia suggested Punjab Wok for us to have supper at - she rates it higher than Bukhara , which is quite something considering it 's the most top rated Indian restaurant in Cape Town . Punjab Wok is near where she lives , in Century City , so she agreed to meet us there . I had been wanting to visit her in Cape Town for several years but I always ended up doing something else . I guess the time just wasn 't right . Sophia 's mom was visiting from Durban and at the last minute , Sophia had to shuffle plans around , so she could only meet us for around 10 minutes . It was fine though , the main thing was that we 'd see her and that Premsheela would eat something . We weren 't sure exactly where the restaurant was so took a few minutes trying to figure out where to park . As we were walking towards where we figured the restaurant might be , we passed one called Tiger 's Milk . Really now , why on earth would you name a restaurant Tiger 's Milk ? It looked like a really cool place though - I think I 'll give it a try next time . Once we got to the restaurant , we just ordered some starters while waiting for Sophia . She arrived full of smiles and energy only 15 or so minutes later . If there 's ever a friend who can light up a room , it 's Sophia . In the short time we spent with her , she took us through the entire menu telling us what was good ( everything , pretty much ) and asked what we had gotten up to . She asked whether we had gone to Boulders Beach to see the penguins , since we had gone to Simon 's Town . I didn 't realise at all that Boulders Beach was in Simon 's Town ( I know ) and I knew Premsheela wouldn 't stop asking for me to take her to see the penguins until I did . Sophia is a regular at Punjab Wok so when the waiter and manager came to say that they 're closing the kitchen at 9pm , she was not impressed . It was only around 8 : 30 . She firmly told them that she knows they just want to go home and that the kitchen does not close at 9 , especially when there are customers , so they must not irritate us and should let us order whenever we feel like . They agreed to close the kitchen at 9 : 30 , but even after Sophia left ( she also had a quick word with them at the counter ) , they continuously came to our table to ask whether or not we wanted to order anything more . I eventually asked the manager whether he was telling the couple in the corner the same thing because I don 't see him going to their table as often as he was coming to ours . He said that he did tell them ; he knew I was irritated . It 's one thing when you can 't get a waiter 's attention , but when he keeps coming every 5 - 7 minutes , it becomes annoying as hell . So annoying , in fact , that the 3 of us ended up hurling swear words at him in Hindi with full blown smiles on our faces . I 'm sure he thought we were complimenting him . I loved it because since there was only one ( white ) couple in the restaurant , apart from the girls , no one could understand what I was saying and I could say it at full volume . When the waiter brought the bill at 9 : 25 , Premsheela couldn 't help but ask what the chai ice cream was , just to have a final dig at him since it was close to the time that they said the kitchen is going to close . He then left the bill on our table and went back to the front desk . We told him that we were going to pay cash , but he didn 't come back . Premsheela wanted to walk out ( just to mess with them ) but Surbhi and I were scared to push it that far . We ended up just getting up and paying at the front desk . Once we went out of the door , the waiter asked us whether or not we were going to come back . I wanted to just say no and walk away , but I decided to moderate my response by saying " We don 't live here , so I doubt it " . I will probably go back at some point though , but when I 'm with Sophia . It took us longer to get home than we expected because the car 's GPS took us into some dodgy part of the city . I had a bad feeling about it when we took one of the turns , and ended up using Google Maps on my phone to get us out of there . On the way , Surbhi spotted a sign on a building that said " Cape Town " , but because of the font , it looked like " Tape Town " . Let 's just say that was Premsheela 's trigger and for the rest of the night , even till today , everything is " tape " . We are tapey girls ; that thing is tape ; that person is tape ; tape is bisexual because it 's not a straight tape . It was absolutely crazy and Surbhi and I were in stitches . Cape Town 2017 : Day 1 In 2013 , it took me only about 10 minutes to decide that I was going to take up my relative 's offer to visit her in Switzerland . Roughly 2 months later , I was on a plane . That was the least amount of time I had taken to plan , book , and go on a trip . Ever . Until now . One of my friends from India who is contracting to my company went back home on Wednesday 17 May . Because we had been so busy with the project that I 've mentioned several times in recent posts , we could not really go anywhere over the weekends . Surbhi had been saying for weeks that she wants to go to Cape Town before she leaves , but we didn 't know if or when we could make that happen . When we arrived on Friday , we got our hired car from the airport and went straight to Table Mountain . The weather was dismal and the sun was playing hide and seek with us . We were stuck in annoying traffic and realised that it was partly due to a large truck which was going at around 30km / hr . The horse part of the truck was Stuttaford Van Lines , but the trailer had transparent plastic sides . When we looked inside , there were 2 surgeons inside operating on a patient . I was totally taken aback because I made eye contact with one of the surgeons the moment that I realised what was going on . The girls were totally freaked out by it , and the fact that it was close to one of the hospitals made the whole situation even more believable . As it turned out , it was just a marketing strategy for a new movie called Bypass . The patient was a dummy , and the surgeons were just actors . Damn , they did a good job ! I hadn 't driven a manual car for at least 2 years , so I was slightly nervous driving around a city that was relatively foreign to me , especially up the windy road to Table Mountain . I felt like such an idiot when I eventually found a parking but couldn 't figure out how to put the car into reverse . Before my BMW , I drove my dad 's VW Polo , and one had to push the gear to the extreme top left to put it into reverse . I tried that several times with this car ( a Toyota Corolla ) and I just kept going forward . Eventually , I went so far forward that 2 cars were able to parallel park behind me . Eventually we just sat in the car waiting for someone to park in front of me so I could ask them . Only a minute or 2 later , a young local couple showed up , and , visibly embarrassed , I asked the guy if he could help . He chuckled and got into the car while telling me that all I needed to do was lift the top of the gear up while shifting . I had never used a gear like that before , so I didn 't feel so bad after that . It was still pretty funny though . Unfortunately , once we got to the ticket station , we were informed that cableway was closed because of the wind . We didn 't know what to do because going up the mountain was pretty much our only plan for the day . We spent a few minutes considering our options before deciding to head down to the V & A Waterfront . Even if we couldn 't do anything , we could at least enjoy the beauty of the place . We wandered around the waterfront for at least 2 hours and even considered going to the Two Oceans Aquarium so that we could be indoors and avoid the occasional drizzle and cold wind . It turned out to be a little too expensive considering we would only spend an hour or 2 there so that we 'd make it in time for check in to the guest house we booked at in Camps Bay . Despite the dull weather , we got ourselves an ice cream sandwich from a Crumbs and Cream stand right outside the aquarium . It 's never too cold for ice cream . When we eventually arrived at the guest house , there was no one to receive us . All the doors and gates were locked , and we didn 't know how to get in . I called the owner and he had forgotten that he didn 't send me an access code or directions on how to enter . It was like a puzzle getting into that place : first there was a combination lock on a box against the wall next to a gate which , when opened , gave us access to a big door key that was stuck with Prestik to the back of the box in which it was in . Then we had to use that key to unlock another box close to the ground which contained an envelop marked " Welcome pack " , inside which lay a set of keys . One of those keys opened the gate , and another the door behind it . The third key opened the door to the actual guest house . We were uncomfortable as soon as we walked in . Let 's just say the place was not at all like the pictures made it out to be . Besides it being tacky , it smelled as though the windows hadn 't been opened in months . The bathroom was a scary sight too ; it was as if we were in a jungle thanks to the blue mosaic tiles and plastic roof . We only spent around 1 . 5 hours there trying to come up with an escape plan . Long story short , we cancelled the booking and bolted out of there , only to spend the next 2 hours or so looking for an alternative within our price range on booking . com . My best friend Sophia was on the phone with me trying to help us out too , and eventually we found the perfect place titled " Convenience by the sea " . Sophia found it very amusing , but I knew it was just a description of the place as it was clearly an apartment . After securing the booking , I called Marc ( the guy letting the apartment out ) from Surbhi 's phone , and he quickly agreed to meet us there within 30 minutes . I thought it was brilliant that he 'd be available at such short notice . We found the place easily and parked in the space in front of the apartment building , next to the front door . We waited patiently in the car for a few minutes , since we were only 5 minutes away . The apartment is in Three Anchor Bay , which is an area in between Green Point and Sea Point . Barely 10 minutes later , a very good looking guy showed up at the door . He was looking at his phone so I asked Surbhi to check hers in case he was calling or messaging on it , because I was convinced that he was the guy I had spoken to on the phone . I thought that his face matched his voice . I told both girls not to stare at him because he 'd be able to see that the 3 of us were all looking at him at the same time , and it would have been creepy ! When Surbhi 's phone didn 't ring and the guy went inside , I thought I was probably wrong about who he was . A minute or two later , a petite woman entered the building . I figured it was another resident . Suddenly I noticed movement on my right so I turned to look - the same good looking guy had come out of the side entrance and was walking towards me smiling . That smile instantly confirmed that he was Marc . We all got out of the car and he introduced himself to each of us . I don 't know if it was just me , but I pretty much became like a blithering idiot because he was so insanely good looking . He said that our timing was perfect since the cleaner had just left , and the apartment had only just become available as the last guest had left that morning . He then asked if I could move the car a little to the extreme left of the parking as that was his parking . I don 't know why the girls got back into the car with me , but I wouldn 't be surprised if it was because they were just as starstruck as I was . Because there was a small gutter in between the parking and the road , I had to move the car very slowly as I was scared I was going to scrape the bumper on the road . Let 's just say I went a little too slowly and I stalled the car not once , not twice , but THREE TIMES . I wanted to kill myself ; it was without a doubt the most embarrassing moment of my life . When I got out of the car , I told Marc to forget what he just saw cos it was my first time driving a manual in a very long time . He chuckled pleasantly and said it 's ok and that these things happen . He was so nice . He broke our hearts seconds later when he said that his girlfriend was waiting for us upstairs . Turns out it was the woman we had seen entering the building minutes earlier . The girls and I gave each other looks of approval the moment we entered the apartment as it was not only clean and tidy , but also bright , airy , and kind on the eyes . I really don 't remember her name , but Marc 's girlfriend said that she noticed us in the car but wasn 't sure if it was us , and I said yes , we saw her and Marc too but I told the girls not to stare cos it would be creepy for all of us to be looking at them at the same time . It was quite amusing , and they were so warm that I didn 't feel embarrassed to say that . Besides , what could be more embarrassing than stalling the car 3 times in front of an audience ? Marc was also nice enough to waiver the deposit of R1500 because he said we look like decent girls so he doesn 't foresee any trouble . If you think I 'm exaggerating about how good looking he is , ladies , do yourselves a favour and google Marc Buckner . Yes , he is a model . You 're welcome . The apartment was just off a popular main road which had lots of restaurants and supermarkets too , so after getting some groceries for the next few day , we headed to Posticano , an Italian restaurant that Sophia recommended . Surbhi is a foodie so she eats anything ( vegetarian ) , but we weren 't sure what Premsheela was going to have . Long story short , Surbhi and I ate while Premsheela sat and watched us . That girl is crazy , but she did make something to eat once we got back to the apartment . USA and Canada : The trip I 've planned the least This trip should be very interesting . The project I mentioned in my previous post has been moved yet again ( with good reason ) and this time we are targeting the end of May . I hope to God that that 's the last time it 'll be moved , but the last thing we want to do is sacrifice quality just to meet a date . Fingers crossed . Thanks to this project , I am now working 10 hour days every day , which is not at all normal for me . There are the odd 11 and 12 hour days here and there too . My body has actually adjusted to it now and I 'm not sure whether or not that 's a good thing . I am also attending training now which is awesome , however I missed the past 2 weekends because classes ran over both Saturdays and Sundays , from 8 : 30am - 4pm , so I 've been having 7 day weeks . Thank God for the Easter weekend break . Thereafter , classes will be exclusively on Saturdays . Basically , I have no life right now . I have not even had the time to get my Canadian visa yet . The US one took less than a week - I did it in January I think , which should give you an indication of how busy I am since we 're going to be in the second week of April and I still haven 't gotten to it . Next week it needs to happen ; come hell or high water ! The visa is probably the biggest thing left for me to do . That , and booking for the Calgary Stampede . If you 've read my blog before , you 'll know that I do a fair amount of planning before any trip , but by the looks of things , I 'm gonna be winging it for most of this one . I have not even had a Skype call yet with the family I 'm going to stay with in Toronto and I kind of feel bad because it 's almost as if I 'm only going to be in contact with them while I 'm there . That 's really not how I want things to be considering I 've never met them before . A friend and colleague of mine also resigned , and we did something I haven 't done before for her farewell - Paint Nite . It 's basically what they like to call " creative drinking " i . e . paint while you drink . The event , where the artist guides the class in recreating his / her painting , is held at different restaurants around Joburg . Once upon a time I was pretty good at art , and considering my mom was an art teacher , it 's in my blood . I 'm not sure if I still have it in me , but I 'm happy with how my painting turned out . So besides bidding Steph farewell , this was a small tribute to my mom too . 2017 : Filling in more pieces of the puzzle I think this is going to be a very important year for me . The project I 've been working on for a 3rd year now is ( hopefully ) about to come to an end . In less than 2 months we can talk about things other than the project which I know everyone in my company is looking forward to . It 's been 6 years since I studied and I 'm going to change that this year . I 've spent the last year being not only a Business Analyst , but a Developer , Architect , Team Leader , and Project Manager as well . There were days where I didn 't know whether I was coming or going , but somehow I managed to pull it off . Fake it till you make it , they say , although it was more of a do - or - die situation . I 'm not planning on doing anything major , but the fact that I 'll be studying ( since I 'll finally have the time and mental energy to once this project ends ) is a big thing for me . It 's always nice to have a formal certification to prove your abilities . If you 've read my blog posts before , you 'd know that there is almost nothing more important to me than travelling . Last year I was so confused where I wanted to go next , and I had pretty much made up my mind that it was going to be Norway . However , after checking what it was actually going to cost me , I immediately switched over to the second option : Canada . You might be wondering how bad the cost of going to Norway must have been for me to turn it down . Well , I wanted to do a cruise with Hurtigruten , a proper one where I 'd have my own decent cabin and bathroom facilities . It turned out that the price I initially thought I was going to pay was for one of the smallest ships on the fleet that had shared bathroom facilities . Call me spoiled if you want , I don 't care , but I refuse to share a bathroom with strangers . In order to get what I wanted , I 'd have to pay for one of the proper cruise liners whose price soared to over € 3000 for the 12 day round - trip . I was simply not prepared to pay that on top of my flights , visas , and transfers to and from Oslo , not to mention accommodation in Oslo . I 've spent less than that touring several countries for almost double the time . So sorry , Norway , but you 're going to have to wait . For decades my relatives in Canada have been nagging my mom and I to visit , and the time has come to do it . Unfortunately my mom isn 't physically able to do the journey comfortably , so I am going alone . Of course , this isn 't going to be my first solo trip . I 've never been to North America before , so I 'm very excited about it . Canada is somewhere I 'm considering relocating to in the not too distant future , so this trip is not only to see family , but to also scout around to see whether or not I like it enough to see myself actually living there . And yes , I know it 's cold , but the only way I 'll know how cold it really is is to go there myself . I 'm expecting summer to be like a winter in Johannesburg , so I 'm quite looking forward to seeing if that is really the case . So where exactly am I going ? San Francisco , Calgary , and Toronto . In that order . I 'm lucky enough to have a good friend in San Francisco with whom I 'm going to stay , and God knows what shenanigans we 're going to get up to for a whole week . We 've only met twice ( at my cousin 's wedding ) but we literally talk everyday . Even though there 's a 10 - hour time difference , we speak just as often ( if not more ) than the friends I actually see everyday . It 's insane that I found a twin sister across the Atlantic ; who would have thought ? Ok so this is definitely going to sound cheesy ( and probably really dumb ) but here goes : not only did I grow up hearing about Alcatraz and Golden Gate Bridge , I also spent over a decade of my life watching Charmed and Full House . Several movies that I like to re - watch were also set there . It 's only recently that I joined the dots and realized that all these things I 've been watching for so many years had one thing in common : San Francisco . It 's also the home of Silicon Valley - every IT person 's ultimate place to work . So it 's an obvious choice , don 't you think ? Family , duh . I can never remember exactly how we 're related , but it 's through my late grandmother on my mom 's side . They 've lived in Canada for around 30 years . I remember first meeting my niece and nephew ( who are actually older than me by about 10 years ) at my grandmother 's house when I was 4 or 5 years old . We were playing in her garden . It was so long ago , it feels like a dream . I can 't wait to see them again . Right now I 'm going through the visa process before I can book my flights . Had I known I had to get the US visa before booking flights , I would have done it last year . Now I can only hope it processes quick enough so that the flight prices don 't soar too high by the time I have to book . I 'm so used to the European visa process that I took it for granted that you book your flights before applying for the visa so that you can prove when you 're entering and leaving the country . Oh well , I guess you learn something everyday . Throughout my life , every single trip I 've been on has something to do with that world map puzzle I used to build when I was little . There were particular labels on that map , be it countries , cities , rivers , or even lakes , that made me excited every time I picked up that particular piece to fit it in to where it belonged . Physically going to those places now is like picking up that piece of myself and fitting it in that puzzle . The year started off busy as I am involved in a massive transformation project at work which I 've now been working on for over 2 years . Up until the end of March , I was a developer gearing up one of the systems for the change . I knew for a long time that I did not want to be a developer forever , but that it would be a solid foundation for growing my career in IT , a place I have no intention of leaving any time soon . I could not see myself writing code at 50 years old . Long story short , I became a Business Analyst , for the same company , so I could bridge that ridiculous communication gap between them and developers . Plus , it 's an excellent foundation for becoming a Business Architect , and maybe even an Enterprise Architect later on . In general , developers have a terrible opinion of BAs : that all they do is write documents and that they don 't ask the right questions to get those documents right . Consequently , BAs think that developers are stubborn robots , and truth be told , most of them are . ( Don 't stab me if you 're a developer , or know one that isn 't a stubborn robot , I 'm talking general terms here ) . In April , my title changed from Senior Developer to Senior Consultant , and it couldn 't have happened at a better time . This phase of the project had to be divided into separate streams so that each could be tracked individually . Because of my experience on one particular system as a developer , I was immediately made the lead of that stream . I did find it a little awkward adjusting to the new responsibility because my previous boss and junior colleague were now answerable to me , even though I was technically not their boss . Being the lead basically opened up multiple roles for me because of the daily tasks I had to perform , such as that of Project Manager , BA , and even Developer on some occasions . Funny enough , because we are working with an offshore company , I even served as a translator for the local developers . I 'm also the bullshit - smeller for some of the cocky developers who forget that I have several years of past experience as one . It can be both frustrating and amusing , but I guess it is the universal attitude of developers to think they are more intelligent than everyone else ! My mother was taken into ICU in the early hours of the morning of the day that the above photo was taken . It was less than 2 weeks into my new job , and the event I had attended with one of my best friends ( who is wearing a shirt that I have too ) was something we had planned months before . In case you don 't know , I live in Johannesburg , but my parents are in Durban . I 'm not going to go into detail about why and how my mother was put into ICU as that is the very reason why I couldn 't bring myself to even read through what I had written in my original draft post of this year . My bosses were gracious enough to allow me to fly down to Durban on the Monday in order to be with her for as long as we needed , but since I had literally just started the new position , I offered to work remotely . 3G was an absolute lifesaver , and since I didn 't have my own card for such a last minute trip , a generous friend and coworker offered me hers . On Tuesday my dad and I went to see the neurosurgeon and he told us that my mother had had a brain aneurysm . Basically , she had a 1 % chance of surviving the procedure that she had to have , and it was a lifesaving one . My dad and I were basically saying goodbye to her , moments before her procedure . I can 't put into words the depth of our fear . In those few visits prior to the procedure , I had to be strong for not only myself , but my dad as well ( he isn 't strong at all ) because I didn 't want her to know that I was scared and what had actually happened to her ( she thought she had had a stroke ) , but in those moments where I thought I was saying goodbye , I couldn 't hold back my tears and all I said to her was " Just come home " . I stayed in Durban for 2 weeks until she finally got out of ICU and into a general ward , and eventually home . It is literally a miracle that she survived , and it was the first time in my life where I realised how much she actually loves me . Her survival of something like this also made me realise that I don 't know anyone stronger than her in the world . It only made me even stronger , even though I had many sleepless nights and anxiety attacks after the ordeal once I got back to Johannesburg . Very few of my friends knew about it and I can 't thank them enough for their support . With Christmas less than a month away , I can 't wait to get back home to Durban to spend what could very well be my last festive season there , since after our ordeal with my mom , we realised how precious time is . My parents are therefore on the road to selling their house so that they can move up to Johannesburg with me . They worry that I will not meet someone and get married , but I say it 'll happen when it 's meant to . After all , I 've got time , I just don 't know how much of it will be with them . They 're at a fragile age where anything could happen , and although my dad is built like a mule , there 's no telling what could happen at the blink of an eye . Last year while in Germany , I decided that I wanted my next trip to be somewhere outside of Europe , since my last 4 trips ( including that one ) were there and I thought it high time I visited another continent . I don 't know what it is about Europe that draws me to it so much but I just keep wanting to go back . I also decided that whenever I do go back to Europe , that it 'd be in winter . I 've got family in Canada who have been asking for years for my mom and I to visit them , and I figured that it would only be right for me to go there next . Canada is one of those places I am considering emigrating to at some point because it has the kind of lifestyle that I want . I love mountains and lakes and open space , and want to be in a place where the quality of living is high and the stress levels are low . I also want to be able to enjoy the outdoors and not have to go very far out to do that . Johannesburg is great for building a career , but in the long term , it is not the kind of life I want . When I go to Canada , I want it to be for at least a month so that I can see as much as I possibly can while also spending some time with my family in Toronto and Montreal . I also want to do hikes and see the national parks like Banff , and visit Whistler for a couple of days too . I even have a friend in Saskatchewan that I 'd like to stop over at . Since I 'd be going so far , I thought it would be a good idea to visit friends in New York and San Francisco as well , since I plan to go across the country all the way to Vancouver . A colleague of mine , Elize , told me about a business trip she once did to Vancouver , accompanied by her husband . While she was busy with all the business she had gone for , Elize suggested that her husband take a boat trip to Alaska . He didn 't want to and she still remembers that opportunity that he missed . She told me about it not knowing that I 've always wanted to go to Alaska . A boat trip from Vancouver was one of the ways to do it . I am going to keep that in mind until I actually put the Canada plans into motion . From the time I used to build that humongous world map puzzle when my age was in single digits , I was always fascinated with that curved piece of land above Europe ; it was one of a couple puzzle pieces that joined the one that said " Baltic Sea " . Norway , Sweden , and Finland were green , yellow , and purple on that puzzle . I remember it like it were yesterday . I not only loved the names of those countries for reasons I still can 't comprehend , but there was something about what appeared to be a hundred rivers cutting up the edge of the westernmost country , Norway . Not only that , there was also this little pointy bit that stuck out towards the top of it . As I got older , I found out that those ' hundred rivers ' were actually called Fjords . It was only until much later , after having access to the Internet and social media , did I find out that those pictures that I loved the most were of a place called the Lofoten Archipelago - that ' pointy bit ' that caught my interest every time I built that puzzle . And I built it many times . The Northern Lights . Need I say why ? There is only one problem with this , however : even though probably the most ultimate bucket list item of mine would be ticked off after seeing it , it means that I 'd have to go beyond the Arctic Circle in the middle of winter . Yes , I did want my next trip to Europe to be in winter and I would absolutely die for the experience of going north of the Arctic Circle , but thanks to Norway 's latitude , this means that there would be almost 24 hours of darkness . It 's not the cold that I 'm worried about ( I prefer cold to heat ) , it was that . The best time to see the Northern Lights is between late September and late March , and the more north you go closer to December , the fewer the hours of daylight . To make a trip that far to a country I 've had some kind of spiritual ties to since childhood would just not make sense when my plan is to do a 12 day cruise along the coast . If the Northern Lights was all I 'd be able to see ( and even that won 't be guaranteed ) , is it really be worth spending that much money for so many days ? Granted , I 'd be able to do things like dog sledding and other snow - related activities , but then that means I 'd have to go pretty much in December when it is actually snowing . Snow is good , but have you ever heard of a Polar Night ? That 's 24 hours of darkness and it happens for pretty much the entire month of December . No . The Fjords . Norway is known for it 's rugged beauty . As I said before , I love mountains and lakes more than anything else . Fjords are on another level . I would just not be satisfied sitting on a ship all day because of the darkness . This means that I will need to choose between winter and summer . The Northern Lights or the Fjords . As of today , the Fjords are winning . Why ? Yes , it 's not like I wouldn 't be able to see them in winter , but in winter , I wouldn 't be able to actually get off the ship and hike them . I 'd be able to see them from sea level and that 'd be it . Even though I know I 'd regret not going for the lights , I 'd have traveled so far and not been able to truly see the country . Going in the middle of summer means that I 'd experience the total opposite of the Polar Night , namely the Midnight Sun . I 'd literally be able to wake up in the middle of the night and hike . Even if the hiking opportunity at night might only be possible once or twice , it 'd be a totally unique experience nonetheless . You may be wondering what cruise I 've been talking about all this time . If you haven 't already heard about them , I am talking about Hurtigruten . They are a company that started by doing Norwegian cruises , but have also now expanded to the Americas , Iceland , and even Antarctica , among others . I 'm planning to do what they call the " Classic Round Trip " voyage which starts in Bergen and goes all the way to Kirkenes , a mere 11km or so from the Russian border . So where on earth did India come from ? I have my mother to thank for that . I 'm not going to say how this suggestion came about or why it is on this list ( I 'll save that for another post ) , but recently I have been thinking a lot about how precious time is . If my mother is able and willing to go to India , then I will put my plans aside and go with her . We don 't value the time we have with our parents or other loved ones enough , so if I have the opportunity to go with her on what could very well be her last trip , how could I miss that ? I 'm still young and I hopefully still have plenty time left on this earth , but I can never get back the time I have with my mother . It will happen one day , but I 'm in no hurry . I fell in love once and it couldn 't work out , and until I have that kind of connection with someone again ( or even the same person , who knows ) , I don 't see why I should rush into anything . People these days rush into relationships just because they don 't want to be alone , and then they end up being miserable because that person doesn 't actually make them happy . The one thing I will never do is settle for some guy just for the sake of saying I 'm married . It 's not worth it . Yes , I do want to get married and have kids , but until I meet someone , why should I not live my life ? I don 't want to wake up old , sick , and fragile one day wondering why I didn 't take that trip when I was young and able and had no ties to keep me down . Many people spend all their time building their careers and trying to set themselves up for an early retirement or whatever , not realising that we actually don 't know if we 'll even be alive long enough to see that happen . By all means , save some money , but don 't just let your life pass you by . Stop taking your time or health for granted . Trust me . Otherwise , if it wasn 't already clear , it has basically come down to Norway or India , and it all depends on my mother . She isn 't the only factor , but she is the main one . Of course I will be documenting everything once a decision has been made . Till then , do yourself a favour and go plan a trip . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Warning : This article contains content that may be unsuitable for younger viewers . It may contain cursing , sexual references , alcoholic references , and violence . Should you not want to subject yourself to such things , please return to your previous page . Looks like things get a bit chilly when Syi and her friends head out to the town acknowledged as Christmas Town , and the winter begins to settle in . Things seem quite cheery for the three until a scarecrow of properties that are almost identical to Syi 's comes up and wreaks havoc , kidnapping of the three , May , and leaving the other two stranded . They got to find May , and fast ! Moreever , a blizzard will strike the area quite soon . . . what will be the fate of Syi and her friends ? Syi is a live scarecrow who originally lived in the town of Hynau before eventually abandoning the town due to them abusing her status of power in the town - supplying the people within with crops and water . Her status of uncertainty and her usually self centered antics make it difficult to both talk to her and befriend her . Despite these traits along with her incredibly low self esteem , she can actually be quite kind and when you do befriend her she 's quite nice . For the majority of Frozen Up , she travels through the Christmas town that is literally named Christmas Town and attempts finding a new place to live after abandoning the people who tried to attack her in the first place . She desparately tries to defend herself alongside her friends against another scarecrow body , which proves to be quite malicious after Syi denies the fact that he is her son . . . but who 's telling the truth ? No one knows . Hene is , just like her friend Syi , a live scarecrow , although was originally a human before she was slain and transformed . She is a flirtateous being who has done much wrong in the past , from killing off the Goddess of Life to impersonate her and use the powers to her will to trying to make Syi , who was actually a former enemy of her , into her servant . Those plans failed and ever since Syi slain her and transformed her , she decided to befriend her and join her on her quest . In Frozen Up , she behaves similarly in nature to her previous self , although is more true in feelings and does not attempt to disguise anything from Syi this time . Her true backstory and natures are revealed in this story , and she proves herself to be a good ally of Syi in any situation , anywhere from helping her plow through the snow to dating her . I 'm not actually kidding she has somewhat of a crush on Syi . May is a good friend of Syi and helps her and Hene on their travels . She 's a cute little scarecrow who had a crush on both Syi and Hene , and always had trouble choosing between the two . She originally helped Syi defeat Hene when she was a monster of a deity . The bane of Syi 's existence and a person who claims constantly , over and over again , to be the child of Syi , although she denies this so much that it has driven him to the point of insanity . Again and again , he tries to get both Syi and her friends to realize his words , but he fails every time , and does something naughty to attempt to get his way . As he has no real name , he 's just called " scarecrow kid " . It wasn 't very long ago when winter began settling into the town of Hynau . I normally wouldn 't find this a problem but it doesn 't add to my day whatsoever , it feels like another excuse for me to complain about my life . Did I mention my name yet ? I 'm Syi , Syi the scarecrow , the guardian of Hynau . And because of that status , I have remained alone with little friends , and all the friends I 've had either went against me in the end or opposed me overall . I don 't know anyone who directly likes me , and having only a tiny handful friends just brings forth that . . . empty feeling . I rushed through the darkness of the night , which was a bitter and unwelcoming December 18th . Remember that I said I was a guardian ? Well I actually ditched that position a while ago because I was fed up with all the citizens ' whiny outbursts and high demands for crops . I was speeding away from the city to search out a new life , alongside my friends May and Hene , whom I recruited not too long ago . Let me tell you a bit about them . Hene was a Goddess of Life , or so I believed until she let her plan fall in front of me , where she lied and apparently killed off the real Goddess of Life , leaving the world without a goddess in that position when I eventually defeated her . We 're friends now because I did some . . . erm . . . convincing . May , on the other friend , was a friend I met on the way whilst trying to escape from Hene 's dead wrath . But that wraps up who I have for friends . We all travel , step by step , down a small valley , in hopes of seeking a better future together . The cold weather is far from pleasant but I have no problem walking in the conditions , for my thick clothing allows me to withstand the cold , breezy weather . It wasn 't a very long walk , but it was definitely confusing to go through and occasionally we 'd walk into trees , it wasn 't exactly the most fun experience I 've ever had . Well maybe it was because I never got to have much fun in my life anyway , because , at least at my point of view , life is pointless and that there really isn 't much point in doing things that are not important . Maybe it 's just because I 'm a talking scarecrow . Either way , we eventually arrive in a snowy , blizzard covered town that seems to have most of its building crooked at an awkward angle . The ground was torn up as if an earthquake struck the area not too long ago , and many trees have fallen and in the very center of the half destroyed town was an active Dairy Queen . Not a very impressive village , but the people around seem to be light hearted and not demented like those back in Hynau . Hene and May have apparently never seen a village of such wonders and " delight " , as they put it , but I find the Christmas spirit ridiculous . Why do they like Christmas ? Who cares for joy when your goals for a better life are actually more mainstream ? Nonetheless we kept walking , and decided to check out the Dairy Queen located at the town 's center . Over there , we found an assortment of nice looking treats , but what was unusual were the people running it . Everyone there was wearing a mask of sorts , and when I asked why they were wearing the masks , they simply didn 't respond . It made me feel strange and somewhat ignored in a way , but they gave me a free treat , which I couldn 't eat anyway because I don 't have a stomach to digest it with or a tongue to taste it with . Sad , the life of a stupid scarecrow . We left the restaurant and continued moving towards the end of town , and eventually I got somewhat dizzy from all the excessively bright lights . I got both Hene and May to retrace their steps and return to the Dairy Queen where I can meet up with them later . I pressed onward , and then sat down on a log , and thought about today 's travels , and where I should go next . Out of the blue , I was grabbed by a shoulder , and a mass picked me up from the ground , and rudely asked for my name . I wouldn 't talk to a stranger with that tone , so I just didn 't say my name , resulting in my body being shaken . When I ran away , it chased after me . The brightness of the lights made it too hard to see the guy 's face , and the darkness of the sky made it hard to see his face when I got away from the same lights . Eventually I sped down an alleyway in the town and hid behind a dumpster , where he continued to chase me . He didn 't find me , but started speaking in a friendlier voice where I was . I never answered , and his calls for me went from anger and strength to pure fear , to the point where he ran off whimpering . What was up with that guy ? Why 'd he grab me and force me to run away , and give up and end up going away , whimpering ? I thought I 'd be able to get down to the bottom of this but I haven 't yet . I went out of my hiding spot when I heard an ominous breathing sound . I felt it behind me , and when I looked there , my vision suddenly fuzzed out - what seemed to be annoying from noise alone turned out to be sourced from a demon from Hell ! Laughing with utter cruelty , it grabbed my shoulders and stared into my eyes , and asked me calmly for my name . He wasn 't like that other guy , but this guy sure seemed dangerous for sure ! Cackling that I couldn 't bring myself to say my name , he simply dragged me out into the city . I beat my hands against him ; I wanted to know who he was and where exactly he was taking me . First thing I know is that his name doesn 't matter , and second thing is that he said that he 'll be taking me to the local prison . Well that was confusing enough on its own , why did he want to take me to prison ? What did I do ? We kept walking across the snowed grounds in the city , and eventually came across a bent , wooden building , standing far above the height of the tallest person in the world . Even if they had stilts they still couldn 't outmatch the height of this prison . I didn 't get to notice any more details because the demon dragged me inside . I was taken to the fifth floor in the building , exactly where the bend in the building was , and he shut me up inside a cell . I demanded to know why I was being held there as a prisoner , and what have I done . He finally responded with , " abandoning your child " . I didn 't know what he was talking about , I 'm a scarecrow , scarecrows are incapable of having children in any way . When I tried talking that into him , he said in a low , rough voice " you 'd be quite surprised " . Stunned , I just sat there , and he left the room , leaving me to think to myself on the whole matter . The day became December 19th as I sat alone in the jail cell , and I winced at the thought of having a child . If I had a child , did I even take good care of it ? My only responsibility was to feed an entire town and I eventually failed at my job , supposedly I starved that child ? But I convinced myself that I didn 't have a child , it 's too ridiculous of a thought to have . I sat in the cell and just tried polishing my arms , I wanted to look clean and make it look like I wasn 't in this rusty cell at all . And if they found out I was in a jail cell , would they even be my friends after that ? The idea of being in a jail cell would bring to their thoughts that I am a bad person , although I didn 't do anything really to be put in here . I still felt very confused , but that confusion was interrupted when the hallway door opened , and the sound of wood being dragged across the floor brought my attention . I didn 't get up to look to see exactly what was going on , so I kept sitting on the floor . As seconds and minutes passed on , I felt a knot inside me , and I started feeling very nervous . Eventually I couldn 't take it anymore so I stood up and peeked past the jail bars and looked in front of me . I was very close to screaming , a scarecrow of about my size and of similar attributes to me was standing right in front of my cage ! That scarecrow pushed its arms into the cage and grabbed my neck , pulling me closer . The scarecrow tried pushing me out of the cage towards him , but the bars of the cage were too tight to do anything about , so he picked the lock with one of his twig like fingers , then opened the cell door . The very first thing I know is that he pulled me into a hug , which I immediately backed away from . I don 't know if I 've said it before , but I am not into men . He came towards me again silently , and when I backed away again , he began sulking . I didn 't care for this person at all so I turned to leave the building , but then he shouted " WAIT " towards me . I paused and looked at him for what I thought would be the final time . But he didn 't say anything after that , so I just turned and left , and broke out one of the windows , hoping for a soft landing when I fell to the floor . I 'm fortunate that I landed in the snow , which was deep enough to prevent me from hitting the actual ground . Almost immediately I began shivering , so I went out into the snow and tried to search out the local Dairy Queen for signs of Hene or May . Unfortunately , the jail must have been on the other side of town , as the Dairy Queen wasn 't anywhere nearby , so I tried finding my way there , but got hopelessly lost after half an hour , and I sat on the ground , trying to think of ideas on how to get to my only friends . The same scarecrow from earlier eventually came along and sat next to me , causing me to shfit my position away from him . He said that he would be able to direct me to wherever I 'm trying to go , and I walked away without even responding . But eventually he said in a snarky tone that . . . I probably would just get even more lost , so I hesitated and decided to take his help . Right after embarking on our supposedly sole travel together , I immediately regretted the decision . He started talking to me and how things went on with him and how home was like , and how the only person he missed was me . I didn 't understand him , for I have never had a husband and never will , and I never even been in the same place as him before until today . But he persisted that it happened , which brought worry to his eyes and a soft , saddened expression to his dusty face . Eventually I got tired of him and I insisted that I can find my way back home , and he responded by tearing up and running away . It may seem cruel of me to say this , but I was pleased that he ran away , and I continued walking forward . I guess it wasn 't a bad thing that I made him leave , as I eventually found the other side of town . I had to credit the scarecrow person for actually leading me in the right direction , however . Regardless , the Dairy Queen was still intact and colorful as ever , and I entered inside it , hoping to find May and Hene inside . Upon entering , I did find Hene sitting on a stool , but May was missing . I was extremely alarmed and tried searching all over the place , overturning stools and lifting the counter , but I couldn 't find her at all , so I just sat still . Hene then came up to me and said that she 's doing fine , and that she 'll return later tonight . The thing is that she didn 't , and I was left upset , and began sleeping on the floor of the restaurant . I started folding my thoughts into a dream . . . I dreamt of that same scarecrow , and inside my dream , he pleaded me to stay in town and have him live with me . I refused at the idea of it , and he just grabbed me and tossed me at the wall , and called me a " good - for - nothing " mother , and started beating me up . I quickly woke up , and only a few hours have passed since I began sleeping . Hene teased me and asked if I had a nightmare , and I at first refused to answer , but then I openly shook my head up and down , and she offered to fix my sleeping condition . I didn 't know what to say , but I said yes anyway , and I sat down whilst Hene did only one thing : pulling herself right next to me and sleeping immediately . I smiled and placed an arm around her , and fell asleep silently . No nightmares , but I woke up after a heavy wind blew through the restaurant , which barely made me open my eyes . The shattering of glass make me wake up entirely and look up , that same scarecrow was dumbly leaning over my head ! He pleaded me to have him stay with me and for me to live in this town forever and ever . It was a ridiculous request so I refused , but he moaned that it was going to be Christmas later or whatever holiday that is and that I should really be around . I didn 't care , so I smacked him across the face . Bad choice , because he began crying loudly , and started really annoying both of us . I just tried to sleep through it because I didn 't know what to do about him . December 20th began dawning , and this scarecrow in particular hasn 't even said his name , nor mentioned why I 'm important , and I have no idea why he wants to spend the holidays with me . It didn 't matter at the moment , but at least he didn 't question why I was sleeping on the floor of a restaurant nor did he ask who Hene was . Speaking of Hene , I really had to find May , her absence yesterday disturbed me and brought me to worry . As soon as this person hightails it out of here , I can begin searching for May , and perhaps the three of us can figure out where to go next . Little did we know that it would actually be much more of an exhausting experience than we all anticipated . December 20th started out by Hene and I searching out for May in the middle of the night . Her lack of presence was very troubling . . . where did she go ? Honestly we 've known each other for a very short amount of time and I didn 't really want to lose her quite so soon , in fact , she is a very comfortable person to converse with , and even helped protect me from Hene 's wrath when she was out of control . High and low I searched , and the only thing I could even see was the grey of sky and the white of snow . . . I could hear Hene panting heavily beside me , wanting some air as this searching was beginning to tire her out as well as I . But I refused to stop until we found May , and she shut up and followed my commands . The city was actually well lit now , and everyone was out and setting up the town more appropriately for " seasons ' greetings " or whatever Hene called them . The lights . . . they all disgust me . Pretty in a way , sure , but I always preferred darker colors and dimmer sights . . . maybe it 's because I 'm very used to Hynau 's dim lights and dark tinted atmosphere . But I guess it 's a change from home , and the less I can remember the people who " raised " me and " used " me for their crops , the better . Hene and I continued walking through the streets , and saw items that neither of us have seen before . . . doughnuts ? What are those ? . . . and stockings , too . The vibrant lights were in different colors , of green , red and white , and the walls were of a " chocolate brown " , as my friend put it . It all weirded me out , yet it was all strangely . . . adorable ? I really can 't think of the appropriate words . The search for May continued on . The Dairy Queen was far behind , and we were left to explore the backside of town , where we approached a graveyard after I stubbed my knee on a tombstone . All around us were lines of tombstones , but we couldn 't even see them until we were very close , or until we brushed our bodies into them . None of it really brought me to fright , I just kept on pushing to find May , but didn 't find her at all . I must have been tired , as I remember just falling down and resting on the ground again . Hene just rested at my side , and promised me that we will be eventually able to find May before December 24th . That did not turn out to be the case , unfortunately . When I woke up from my sleep , Hene was at my side , but the panic of May being gone and the blazing sun hitting my eyes gave me a bad start to the afternoon . Hene told me that I overslept and that they really need to move , or May might not exist in the remaining hours . In a panic , I take Hene over my shoulder and run through the graveyard , finding myself tripping on the grass often , and finding myself knocking over tombstones and turning over other miscellaneous items . It was a very quick rush , but we had no idea what to do now . I just kept running until I tired out again , when Hene picked me up and dragged me through the area , which felt delightful except for the times when Hene tripped . Eventually we sat down to rest , and briefly panicked . I asked Hene to sit down on a tombstone and tell me a bit about herself - what she 's done in her early life , and why she killed the previous God of Life . Hene was actually very hesitant , and tried to switch to another topic , but I was curious ! I was also curious on why she fell for the butt - trap earlier when were trapped together in a small , parallel dimension . So I shook her body and told her to tell me the truth , or word about that incident in general will be passed around the world . She sighed , then told me to sit next to her , and listen to her stories on what happened . Eager , I sat down and listened to her , and for the sake of me possibly giving off wrong information , I will say what she said in her very own words . " I was an ordinary human girl born about twenty five years ago . I lived an ordinary , average life until I turned thirteen , where people poked fun at the fact that I had small breasts . Never have I liked those people , and never had they liked me . Why do people care about breasts ? Why did people care about what size they were ? It was really weird things for people to be into , but I just tried to ignore them to the best of my abilities . I have went through puberty , yes , but it didn 't quite come out as far as some other people . All this anger made me eventually run away from school at one point , and I lived a life of pure thievery , stealing from other people and living off of what comes from their houses . I never felt bad over this . Once I spied on a kid who was giving prayers to the Goddess of Life for his sister to be healed well . A rift opened up and the Goddess of Life came through , and I took the opportunity to go into the rift myself . I appeared in the Rose Gardens , where you and I met , Syi , and I saw the Goddess ' weapon hanging above her Garden Chair when I eventually reached that area . When I grabbed ahold of her weapon , she came back into her realm , and before she could even see me I skewered the weapon right through her head . So what if she couldn 't care for those people ? I 'd do it myself , and I 'd do a better job than her , and I would have made sure everyone had a good , healthy life . Little did I know that I would soon lie to myself . I did my job fairly decently for about ten years , then I started feeling lonely , and felt desparate to have someone else at my side , helping me out . But I also wanted a friend . . . no , more than a friend , and when you attempted suiciding , I led you into my realm . I was intending to make you my assistant , and when I got way out of whack and when you refused to help me or become my girlfriend , I attacked , and all the attacks were out of absolute rage over the years of life and how unfair it 's been to me . When you persuaded me to let you two back up , I was happy . . . I thought things were going my way . I took it into consideration because all I wanted in my life was nothing more than the speck of love , but I overestimated what luck was supposed to be . But when you killed me , you taught me that not everything in life was fair . I just joined you in your travels because I 'm interested in your goals . " With all this being said , I really pitied her . All she wanted in life was love , never got it , and was brutally punished for it all instead . I never felt bad for her when we were in the Rose Gardens , but she seems to be over those dumb and obnoxious phases . After the half hour conversation , I looked into her eyes slowly , and she did the exact same thing back . Eventually , I reached out to put my arm around her neck , and pulled her close for a hug . You know , when you have friends that do something stupid , that shouldn 't make you hate them forever . Everyone makes mistakes , and Hene really is no exception . But I accepted her apologies , and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek , and told her to have a Merry Christmas or whatever . Well it 's only December 20th but still . We had to place all our concentration into finding May now . If we don 't find May , it 's one less person to be able to laugh and have great times with . We instantly got up and went , and Hene went at full speed , with a stunning determination that I almost immediately admired . Her face shone with brightness and delight , and she searched all around for May 's location . The search will obviously be tough , but we 're pretty good friends , we 'll find her , right ? Suddenly , our search was halted - at the very end of the graveyard , that stubborn male scarecrow was right at the end of the field , and he was running right towards me . That same scarecrow , the same dreaded one , came running my direction . He was awkwardly smiling when he ran up to me and gave me a hug . I didn 't shrug him off like last time because I was getting tired of things working out dumbly every single time . He then told me that he stole my friend as " revenge " , which is exactly when I pushed him away out of alarm . Angrily , I shook him and asked him where she was , and he told me that he wasn 't going to tell until I admitted that he was my child . I didn 't have a child , so I refused to admit it because it was just total bull . Darkly , he turned away from me , and told me that not everything is what it seems , and told me to rethink my answer . I still said no . So smiling , he walked off into the darkness , and he held a chainsaw in his hands , turning it on to catch me off guard . I started immediately chasing him as did Hene . He was really fast , but he seemed to not note that we were following him quite so quickly . As we were running , the morning sunk into afternoon , and the snow cleared away to reveal the sunshine , blinding my eyes as well as Hene 's . We couldn 't see where we were going and we eventually smashed into trees and lost sight of him . Hene got up quickly and sped after him again , as did I , but as he was no longer visible , we were pretty much just blindly running at this point . Eventually we managed to run into town , which had its lights off as the sun was out from the clouds again . The two of us split up to find May or the scarecrow kid , although none of us had managed to have any success after four or so hours . We met up again at the Dairy Queen location and tried to imagine where the kid might have went . As night came by , we gave up entirely , and assumed May was killed and that the scarecrow kid got away with it . We sat at the Dairy Queen and stole a few sundaes although it was obvious we weren 't going to eat them , I mean , we 're scarecrows we shouldn 't be able to do that . I sighed at how I was going to be more alone without a good friend like May on my team , although Hene tried cheering me up by affectionately hugging me or by attempting to tell me that everything was all right . I just stared at her , and told her out of exhaustion that we weren 't likely to see May again and that we 'd be more alone . She shrugged and placed her hands through my hair and stroked my head , and said that for the rest of her life that she would stay at my side and help me get through the tougher times . I told her that she didn 't need to , but she just picked me up and cradled me in her arms . If she were that Goddess of Life that she was faking earlier , I would have immediately gotten out of this grasp , but I stayed because it felt nice . Slowly , I closed my eyes and just let her move me back and forth , and kept thinking about May . Even though we probably lost her , I doubted that she was dead , and I thought that she was around somewhere , just as a captive of that stupid scarecrow kid . I feared that the scarecrow kid is my child , he acts lost and confused . . . like me . But how do I have children ? At all ? I turned over more in Hene 's arms , and she smiles and rolls me around in her hands , again and again . I opened my eyes and looked straight at Hene 's face , and told her that first thing tomorrow , we 'll be finding that kid . She didn 't mind the idea , and started rubbing my supposed stomach area , and I placed my hands around her back and held myself against her . If I don 't find May , at least I 'll have a great friend like Hene to help take care of me . I opened my eyes , and sat up straight , and looked at Hene in the eyes , and she did the same . We weren 't going to kiss or anything , but we just looked at each other long in the eyes , and didn 't stop until the restaurant door was kicked open , by the scarecrow kid again ! Immediately I asked him how he kept managing to find us , and he responds with the fact that this is the only place where I go to discuss plans with my friends . He also told me that May was alive and well but that he will still not reveal her position until I use my last chance to admit that he is my child and additionally when I apologize to him for doubting . I thought in silence for a second , but then Hene got up , unintentionally knocking me over , and went to the kid and told him that he was going to make him pay dearly if he didn 't reveal May 's location immediately . There was about a fifteen minute pause immediately afterward , everyone stopped moving , and the only sounds that could be heard were breathing and the beautiful , yet silent moments of anxiety . Eventually the kid started moving and scratched Hene in her stomach area , forming a wound in her wooden body , and left the room , leaving us to chase him . I picked up Hene in my arms immediately and began chasing the wretched kid . I dashed right out of the Dairy Queen and knocked a lot of people out of my way who were going through the streets , and kept my eye out for the scarecrow kid . I kept chasing him , going left and right and left again , and I eventually managed to track him down all the way down at the sewage area of the city , which he climbed into . I at least knew a better place to search than the city itself , and I set Hene down , and hugged her tight , and told her that I was going to go into the sewers . Hene grabbed me by my clothing and pulled me closer to her , and told me that I was not going to go down there without her assistance . I told her that she had a wound , and that she shouldn 't get it infected by whatever might lurk down there that isn 't the kid . She responded by getting up and going down the manhole herself , expecting me to follow , which I certainly did . The first thing that I could ask her was if she was insane for making this choice , and she told me that if I was insane enough to attempt suicide before and that if I was insane enough to jump out from the Rose Garden to the grounds of Hynau , then she 's no different . I thought of those darker times and I nodded that this really wasn 't a change , and I said that I believed in her , to which she smiles and motions for me to follow her to find the scarecrow kid , to which I agree , and began following her at a very quick pace . The harmful water hurt me a bit as well as Hene , but it wasn 't our injuries that were our priority as it was May . We kept going through the terrible odor of the sewage and the overall disgusting shape of the place but it was all worth it as we eventually managed to drop into a room where the kid was at . May wasn 't in sight but that was going to change very soon . The kid was actually quite surprised , and asked how on earth we managed to get to his place without any tutorials or anything like that , and I responded that we just followed him through these straightforward sewage tunnels . Shocked , he told me that I had one more chance , and he pulled a rope from the ceiling , which instantly brought May down from wherever hidden above the room . I thought long and hard about this , and told him that I happily accepted the fact that he was indeed my child , although inside I was lying . He could sense this however , and told me that I actually used my last chance earlier , and he picked up May , placed the rope around her neck , and tightened it before I could pull the rope away from him . May 's head fell clean off , and rolled across the floor , ending her life . Horrified , Hene stepped back , but I stepped forward , and thrust my hands into his chest , knocking him to the floor , angered at the fact that he killed the person I tried really hard to save . The kid didn 't die , but he escaped the room , and said that May 's body may as well be down here forever . December 21st dawned , and Hene and I were dragging May 's body and head out from the sewage , and we buried her in the local cemetery . I was extremely angry at the kid I couldn 't even acknowledge the name of , but at the same time , I was also extremely upset , and I just spent the morning crying away . Hene cried softly with me , and we spent the afternoon in misery together . It was only four days until Christmas too , according to Hene , and we couldn 't get to enjoy it with May . There was nothing I could do about her death , and I needed to get over it , but indeed , the eternity of today was spent in sadness . . . one less friend . . . one less friend . . . one less friend to enjoy time with . Hene suddenly perked up however and told me that tonight . . . would be a special one , and that she will be able to make up for all of this . I almost said no , but after what happened today . . . I just said yes , and decided to go with it . Knowing Hene she might make my day better . . . . Even though I no longer had May , at least I could enjoy the last of the year with a special friend like Hene . Warning : This article contains content that may be unsuitable for younger viewers . It may contain cursing , sexual references , alcoholic references , and violence . Should you not want to subject yourself to such things , please return to your previous page . Hene told me today that I should come down to the local Dairy Queen , as it was mostly abandoned for the day , and she immediately left before I had a chance to respond . I gave myself a little time to think about whether or not I should really follow her down , I mean , what did she plan on doing there ? Her flirtateous voice didn 't really help either , it reminded me of an earlier time where she actually tried taking me in as her girlfriend when she was disguising as the Goddess of Life . But I know now that she has changed a lot over these recent times , so I decided to head down to the restaurant and see what exactly she had in mind . I finished burying the rest of May , kissed her tombstone and placed a rose into the dirt bed , then I strolled down to the end of town . I was a bit nervous still from what I mentioned earlier , but I happily opened the doors to the restaurant and found Hene , smiling , waiting at a table , with only one seat next to her , reserved for me . As I came closer , she tapped her hands in a wondrous rhythm across the table , and winked with her left eye . I had no idea what that meant but I sat down immediately next to her . Right as I sat down next to her , Hene put her right leg over my left , and smiled brightly at me , shaking her head around . A waiter came near our table , and asked what we wanted to eat , but right before I could say something , Hene reached forward and smashed her hand into the waiter 's chin , knocking him out . I was stunned at her hostility but I simply smiled and asked her what exactly she had in mind for today . She responded by slowly taking my left hand off the table and holding it , and didn 't really say anything . I watched slowly and curiously as she grasped her hand inside mine , putting both into a tight grip . Breathing slowly , I watched her lift up her other hand and place it around my right , pretty much preventing me from going away if I ever wanted to , but all I wanted to see is what she does next . Slowly she pulled me towards her , and lifted me up so that my legs were around her , and that I was at face level with her . I was very timid - and somewhat shy for this moment - so I didn 't exactly respond , but she began rubbing my back with both her hands , and I couldn 't help but make a small giggle to showcase my current mood . She responded by laughing a bit and telling me that I was very soft and comfortable to hold . That was a weird thing for her to say , but she moved from rubbing to stroking so I just stopped moving overall . After what could have been seven minutes , she ceased her actions and let me go , and asked if I felt uncomfortable with the whole thing . I shrugged it off - it actually felt great and I didn 't understand why she did it , but it was a great feeling . I thought to myself for a moment again , then I hesitantly placed my hands over her shoulders , placing them on her backside . She looked confused for a moment , then I leaned my face towards her cheek and rubbed it with my own , Hene laughing heartily and happily with me , both of us actually at a happy mood ! Immediately after I was done rubbing her cheek , I " kissed " her fully on the lips , giggling as I watched her face flush a crimson red color . She didn 't know quite how to react , but she whispered my name quietly , and got out of her chair holding me . With a bit of hesitation , she didn 't say anything for roughly six minutes . She looked at my eyes directly . . . I was waiting for her to say something . Then she said in a very slow voice that said that we need to be at Hynau tonight , and head to my origin location . At first I didn 't say anything - I hated Hynau with all what can be considered my guts . But then I nodded and asked her why . Hene said that we 're going to continue it there , as the waiter got up and now is eyeing us suspiciously . I guess he caught on what we were on to as he kicked us straight out of the Dairy Queen , and told us to never come back . Following what Hene said , I started heading out for Hynau , and she ran there very quickly , and told me to lag behind as much as I could take it , so I could only assume she was preparing for the rest of our . . . what would I call it ? Doesn 't matter , I guess . As I slowly walked out from the lighted village , I had flashbacks on Hynau . . . how the people abused how fast I grew crops . How the people mistreated me so much that I had days where I did nothing but cry . How the people shouted insults at me when I did something minorly wrong . I hated that village , and I didn 't like Hene for that one moment for wanting to take us both there . . . but because I actually . . . had feelings for Hene , I kept going and pressing onward . The darkness of the town lied ahead , and I got lost a bit , but I didn 't mind , I kept going as the only thing that mattered to me right now as Hene 's beautiful tone of voice and her body of absolute wonders . Her story about how the kids in her childhood treated her didn 't matter to me , they were wrong - Hene is incredibly beautiful . . . I started racing forward a bit , and picking up my pace , it became clear to me that Hene was the only thing that mattered to me in terms of extremes . I did want to search out another home , but I decided that Hene was more of a priority . Upon arriving in Hynau , Hene pointed out an abandoned hotel and told me to go inside there to the tenth floor . Upon opening the doors to the hotel , no one was visible , and the elevator remained usable . The more I thought about it , the weirder I felt , so I just took the elevator and went to the tenth floor as Hene asked me to . When I got out of the elevator , Hene came out of a separate one , and pointed to the first room to the right , which I followed her into . I asked her why she picked this hotel of all places , but she told me that no one used this hotel , even when I was here , and that the Christmas lighted town was way too crowded and lighted . She told me to come closer to her ; she had the perfectly early Christmas gift and wanted to share it with me . I don 't know what she meant by Christmas gift , and I didn 't even know what Christmas was , but I came closer to her , and she lifted me once more into the air , but lowly threw me onto the bed present in the room , and she immediately followed up by slowly crawling up into it . She softly told me that when she was impersonating the Goddess of Love , she didn 't get a chance to do anything " cool " as she put it , and she was definitely capable of doing it now . The first thing Hene does is slowly push me towards the front of the bed so that my head is comfortably resting on a pillow , then she rises her body and lowers it atop mine , and stares into my eyes , placing her hands around my back , grinning down at my awestrucken face . My first response was leaning her head down and once more " kissing " her on the lips , bringing a deep flush of red to her face . I felt weird all tangled up in this position , but we were clothed so it 's not at its most awkward . The next thing I do is wrap my legs around hers , and rub her back , to which she does to me back . We were both very comfortable at the moment , and I couldn 't think of another thing that would have felt as relaxing or happy . Then suddenly I asked her why we were doing this , and what led up to this moment . Hene slowly lifted herself off of me , unwrapping her legs and her arms , then she laid to my side , and took a deep breath . She then told me that after May died , she was greatly depressed , like I , and didn 't know what to do , and could have spent the eternity of today crying . But then she remembered her times with me back in the Rose Gardens , prompting her to try to see if she could date with me and have a grand time . She tapped her left hand on the bed again in an identical rhythm to when she did it on that restaurant table , and slowly placed it towards my head , rubbing it . She told me to get some rest . . . I fell asleep , and the result was a nightmare . In a post apocalyptic world , I was stationed at my old post in Hynau , set under a powerful lime green sky , with the evil people within , appearing as zombies , attempting to come to my post and attack me . I was very stationary , and was unable to move , so I let those people come up to me , and start taking me apart , the crops I made were spoiled by their rotten skin , I was screaming for help , but nobody came , everyone was laughing , especially the scarecrow kid located quite a distance away from me . He was laughing very hard , and pointed fingers at my stupid face , and told me that soon , everything I 've known and loved was going to die , and the dream ended by them all taking me apart , and ripping apart my face . I woke up in a panic , and Hene was still lying next to me , and asked what was wrong . I told her about the eternity of my nightmare , and she told me that perhaps it was a good time to go home . I was quite relieved , for I didn 't like Hynau at all , not even now . We both went to the bottom of the hotel , and were prepared to exit when there was a knocking on the front doors . I opened the doors , and the scarecrow kid was there again ! I tried slashing my hands forward to kill him , but he moved away so quickly that I just tripped to the floor . The kid had a message : on December 22nd , which was tomorrow , the ground would floor with six to seven feet of snow , and that escaping homes would be difficult . Kid told us to stock up on food and stuff , even though I don 't care for eating whatsoever , and he slumped away with an evil cackle . I asked him what his name was , and he told me that he would never told me except for if I admitted that he was my child . Still refusing to believe him , he laughed hard and vanished before I could say anything more . I looked at Hene , and she looked at me . We both needed to find shelter or the snow would hit us hard . We both raced out of the hotel and headed for the Christmas village to see what we should do to prepare for the heavy storm , and what to do when the scarecrow child comes again . Little did we know that a barricade came in our way when we tried to head back " home " - a barrier of snow prevented us from progressing , meaning that we had to stay in Hynau . It was a dangerous thought , as Hynau can be easily destroyed by any form of liquid , and snow was just the ticket to kill everything , even the high standing buildings . We had to find a way out of town , before the night of December 22nd comes . So with immediate feelings of determination , I went backwards , then took a running start and went straight into the snow , and started trying to speed through the wall . However , I managed to trip , and Hene picked me up and tried getting me through as well . We were going to be able to make it to the other side no matter what , so we kept switching turns running . We made it to the very end and made it back to the Christmas lights town , which was already covered with a few inches of snow . Hene and I went back into the Dairy Queen and immediately killed the managers inside , and knocked off the Dairy Queen logo to make the place look more abandoned . The two of us sat inside and discussed how we were to survive the snowstorm , and how we can kill that stupid scarecrow kid before anything else happens . December 22nd began with no sun , but a powerful blizzard and strong winds , and we had to find that Scarecrow Kid before he found us , and we had to shoot him down ; we couldn 't afford any more madness and perhaps it was a good time to kill it off . First , Hene said that she would go out and get necessary supplies , and I told her that she was not going to leave me - the snowstorm would probably kill her or our enemy would . She shrugged and said that perhaps we should do it together if we want to survive the storm . I hesitated a bit because it was possible for us to be blinded and be separated by accident , but I nodded and said that we must do it fast or we would be found , possibly captured and hung from the walls of this town , which I came to acknowledge as Christmas Town . Hene pointed the way to the nearest store and we went inside quickly , and had the immediate objective to avoid as many people as possible . I mean , who wants walking scarecrows in a store ? This ain 't Halloween , sorry to disappoint . Hene said that we should find wooden supplies to build barricades around windows because our place would definitely have them , and that the wood should be able to prevent the snow from getting in . With no hesitation we looked over at the supplies area of the store and gathered as many wood as possible , and knocked out at least three people that came near us . This was our most major supply , and we couldn 't carry anything more , so we went out of the store and found our shelter building very quickly - an abandoned warehouse with small windows . We went inside and boarded the wood over the windows , and did the same thing on the outside , then we raced back to the store to find more things . We went back inside and picked up card decks for pure boredom purposes , extra wood , and lights just in case city power went out . Upon returning home , we found a disturbing sight : the Scarecrow Kid was inside our home ! He gloated in delight at seeing us and pointed a gun at us both , telling me that I need to admit that he is my child . . . . I told him he was that I really apologize for doubting him . He pulled down the gun and told me that while he accepted my apology , he 's not going to ever forget the trouble that he went through just to tell me that . Angrily , I told him that if I even raised him , I wouldn 't teach him to be such a spoiled and rotten child , and he simply laughed his heart away at this and told me that I didn 't understand and would never understand , as I was never a child . I actually have been a child , I guess whenever I told him stories I told something wrong . Whatever , I told him that his command will be in a long time to accept that Hene will be his " other mom " while I try to guard this place from falling apart . He shrugged , laughed , and told me that 's fine , as he can manage it completely on his own . Considering he killed May , of course he could ! The afternoon eventually settled in after a lot of nothing and playing with our card decks when the storm broke through the town and the heavy winds breezed through cracks in the walls and flung even heavy things off the ground , and the snow fell at such a quick rate that floods of snow from all around were to be expected . The sun was nowhere to be seen , and the clouds brought forth flashes of lightning and sudden descents of hail . Everything was freezing and it went through every crevice through the town 's buildings , evidenced by the fact that ours was being heavily infected by it . The three of us huddled up together , and tried to converse warmth . It was difficult as the weather was extremely violent and the temperature plummeted into , what , the low twenties ? Not the right conditions for walking scarecrows for certain . The weather bashed against the windows in such a way that it sounded like a person knocking extremely loudly on a door , it was very frightening for both me and Hene , but the little kid just smiled as if it were nothing . The windows shook up violently and the roof was being hit over and over again with the uncomfortable sound of hail , and the wind eventually broke through parts of the walls and attacked us . It was just something that we had to live through , even though it hurt for it to touch us all . I backed towards a wall , which fell down in the intense cold , and I just backed up and hugged Hene tight , whilst the Kid just held on for his life onto my bare legs . Everything was so cold that I began screaming inside my head , nothing felt comfortable to touch at the very slightest . At the very least , I enjoyed the pure touch of Hene , it was wonderful to feel her lean against my shoulder . All else was hitting me hard though and I hated the weather , it hated me too . Eventually , the windows broke apart and the snow started falling in , and the front door opened and the snow as piling up . We made an effort to get as far away from the snow as possible , and the room started slowly flooding up with the snow , and the snow outside became high enough to race into here and help out with flooding everything . Eventually the kid went outside and told me that he was out of here , but then I picked up a gun from the shelf . I told him that there was two things I really wanted to tell him : one , he wasn 't my son , and two , I wanted to pay him back for killing my friend May . Instantly I hit the trigger and shot the kid clear in the neck . The head came flying off and went into the snow , which buried it along with his body instantly . Hene and I looked in astonishment at how easy it was to kill him , but then we had to continue surviving . We huddled up for dear life , and prayed for the snowstorm to stop . It didn 't stop , and the snow piled up around us . We eventually couldn 't see anything . Everything was starting to freeze up . . . it was all beginning to hurt badly . The clock outside struck hard . . . December 23rd came about . But I didn 't feel like celebrating , for we were stuck inside the snow still . I tried to fight my way out with Hene , who was struggling as well , but it was no use . . . we stuck to the floor , and hoped that we would be rescued soon . If anything , I 'm glad the Scarecrow Kid was dead . To be honest , good riddance ! I wanted to never see his face again , and I am happy that we got away from this stupid murderer . The fact that I killed this person for killing my friend was satisfying . I reached my hand through the snow and found Hene 's cold hand . I grabbed it , then tried to pull myself next to her . We tried to sleep through the cold , and despite our troubles , we eventually did so . Eventually , I was able to poke my head out from the snow , and the sun was glazing overhead . Looking around the warehouse , everything has been toppled over or destroyed . I shook Hene 's body , which was lying to my left , and I picked her up and shook her to wake her up . The first thing I asked was if she was alive , and Hene just barely managed to place her hand right above my chest and bring herself above my shoulder , to which I went a bit red . She told me that she was alright , and that we should head to the main village . We can apparently celebrate Christmas over there . I mean , who wouldn 't , after a time like this ? The Scarecrow Kid was dead , the snowstorm is over , everything maddening from miles around has pretty much ended for now . I took up on her offer and started heading towards the village and knocked anyone out who saw us walk through town . We would have really done it like normal but our clothes were tattered and it was somewhat embarrassing . Once we reached a small house with no one inside , we went in and locked the doors , then sat down in the two chairs present in what appeared to be the living room . There was almost nothing particularly exciting , although there was a Christmas tree and some cookies on the counter . We shrugged off the fact that those belonged to other people and we tried eating the cookies , although it was pretty unsuccessful as , again , we can 't eat anything , due to our status as scarecrows . It didn 't matter , we continued sitting in the house and talking of old times . We laughed quite often at our small jokes , and I started feeling better about the direction my life has been taking me . Eventually we got out of the chairs and sat under the Christmas tree , and hugged each other under the warmth of the light coming off of . . . the Christmas lights ? ? They were really pretty , so they were enjoyable to look at . The time of Christmas was nearing pretty quickly , so I said that tomorrow I 'll go see if I can pick up anything for us to use to enjoy the holiday together , and I said that I 'll be getting a surprise , so she needs to stay there and make sure no one else gets into the house . She was quite surprised that somone like me who is usually never happy is actually going out to the rest of the town to get a gift for a friend , but she nodded and said that she 'll keep the house good whenever I go away to do it . I hugged her tightly once more , we 've been through a lot , and we probably always will , and although May died , to be truthful that 's one less person to try and keep an eye on . It sounds rude from a prospective but I think May is resting peacefully in the heavens above . If scarecrows even go there in the first place , anyway . I gave Hene a kiss on her cheek , and slept soundly next to her . I don 't remember what happened next , but Hene said she picked me up and placed me in her chair , and slept next to me directly . Is there really any better scarecrow being out there ? Hene and I woke up at about the same , and it was basically the afternoon of December 23rd . Both of us got up from the chair and looked around for a bit before I went outside to get Hene 's gift . After I was content with the house we 'd be spending Christmas in , I dashed outside and headed to the local store . Hene waved to me goodbye , and I dashed through the snow . In the distance , the store was flashing a few neon lights , so it wasn 't fully damaged from the storm like I somewhat thought it would be . Upon coming up to the front door however , the store said it was closed . At first I was discouraged , but I decided to shatter through the front door and look for something anyway . The floors were thinly flooded with a thin layer of ice and some snow , so I had to be careful getting in and out . At some point , I found a diamond ring . Of course it cost a lot , but since I 'm going to be a thief like usual , I broke through the glass containment it was in and stole it . The store 's alarms did not sound , so I assume that the snowstorm damaged them . I got out of the store as soon as I could , being careful not to drop the ring so I didn 't lose it in the snow . Getting back home was difficult . A small hailstorm struck the area , and because I was in the open , I was getting hit pretty often . Not to mention that the icy ground made getting around almost impossible and I kept having moments where I slipped . Eventually I started crawling on the ground at the speed of molasses just to make sure I didn 't have a chance of losing the ring . I rolled about trying to pick up speed , and tried walking at various points just to get going . When the hail stopped , I got up and took the path through the cold , cruel snow just to get out as fast as I could possibly go . Finally , I reached the house where Hene was at , and opened the door , and saw Hene waiting in the chair , relaxing . Happily , I walked up to her and told her that the trip went successfully , and I told her to open her hand . When she did , I put the ring into her very hand , which caused her to squeal slightly with delight . Grinning happily , she put it around her " ring finger " and hugged me very hard . We had a very relaxing moment there , just between the two of us - then the door began getting knocked upon , and pretty loudly too . When I looked through the front door , the head of a disembodied green teddy bear was staring at my face , and glared with such a frightening look that I was paralyzed . Hene got up and opened the door , where a hideous being roared at the two of us . I winced , and pulled Hene back , and together we watched as the beast walked towards both of us . . . it was a very scary sight ! Every time we made a move away from him , he made two , and it was getting difficult to outpace him . What appeared to be the real head asked why we took away his home . . . we didn 't know it was his ! We got behind a desk and shoved it so it would hit his feet , and it did ! But it didn 't actually mean anything , as he seemed to be invulnerable to attacks . He grabbed Hene by the neck , then me by the neck , and made us try to escape his grip , trying to explain that we would go if he really did want us to go away . But instead , he hugged us both rather than doing anything malicious . . . . Perhaps he just wanted a bit of Christmas love and spirit ? Despite his ugly appearance , I hugged him back - perhaps it would save me trouble . Eventually he let go of both of us , and sat down in the seat , and told us to sit down next to him . When we did so , he told us of an old time , where there was a massive God floating in the space above . His name was Fandraxono - just like the name of that vermin from Split Personality , you know that book , right ? - and he was managing the planet well and overseeing everything . But one day , the God split into what appeared to be three , but it was actually four , and this being was the result . His name was the Acebreaker , and that he was meant to be the full power of Fandraxono 's extent . . . . That explains why the desk couldn 't hurt him , he was a flipping God and therefore he was immune to pain . We comforted him and hugged him again , and we rested towards his sides . I mean , even though I 'm not attracted to him or anything , he 's about as soft as a pillow . The gross thing is how his blood dripped off of him , but I 've seen worse . At a certain point in time , he told us that he sent a rogue upon Christmas Town to spy on three criminal scarecrows who have wreaked a bit of havoc in the town of Hynau , and that he didn 't have a name ; he was just called a Scarecrow Faker . Apparently , he sent the Scarecrow Kid to spy on us , and he said that it is indeed his fault that May was dead , and then I asked why he thought it was important for us to get spied on . He said that he was too shy to show his ugly body towards us , so he sent someone after , but it would have been better if he did it instead . The Acebreaker then asked what happened to the Scarecrow Kid anyway . I told him that I killed him off for what he 's done , and he stroked my hair with his metallic , rusted hand , being proud of me for being brave and fighting a true fight , and a true foe at that . I 'm not one to smile but I did so anyway , encouraged by those very words . For someone who was meant to just be the true power of a God , I 'm amused at how polite this person is acting . Eventually , he told me in general that he 'll leave us alone so we can celebrate our Christmas together , and that he will go to the town 's bar to celebrate the holidays . With those words said , he teleported out of the house , and left us stranded in the house . Smiling , I went up to Hene and leaned myself over her shoulder as December 24th dawned . . . one day until Christmas Day . She rubbed her face against my cheek , and I did the same . It 's been somewhat of a rough road , but . . . we made it through all right . Suddenly , there was another knocking on the door . In volume , the knocking was becoming louder and louder . I went up to the door and opened it , and there stood . . . a . . . surprise for everyone . I can 't begin to tell you how amazed I was at what just happened . A scarecrow stood in the frame of the doorway , and she was standing tall and lean , with stitches around her neck , and a smile crossing her face . May has come back to celebrate Christmas ! I told her to immediately take a seat and tell us how she managed to come back to us all . She simply smiled and told her that when she was buried , she was connected to the roots of fertile earth , so she was able to revive . I immediately took her and danced around with her and Hene , and I didn 't care that I was really clumsy , our friend was back and I felt like doing it . Perhaps it 's time for the warmth of the season to begin , with feelings of love and excitement . All three of us had a pretty good laugh , and after we were done , we went into one chair together and slept in peace , me being in the center and enjoying the comfort of both . A few days passed , and eventually it became Christmas Day , and we all sat in the house together , sitting in the chairs and watching the snow lightly fall from the outside . I smiled - the horror was over , and we have a comfortable place to stay at for a while . I stared at Hene 's warm , glorious eyes , and looked at her pleasant , wonderful face , and reached out for her hand . I 've been waiting for a long while now to be with Hene , well maybe not a long , long while , but if you judge by the amount of trouble I 've cut through and the horrors mentioned throughout this journey , you 'll understand . Hene happily took my hand , and May took my other . We all hugged each other - normally I wouldn 't hug people but everything has calmed and I feel so happy that I couldn 't resist doing it . Hene looked straight at my eyes , and called out my name softly , and I responded with a nod of the head . A tear tore up in her eye , and she said in perhaps the sweetest tone , the softest you could ever hear , that she loved me , and wished to spend the rest of her life in my presence . I was somewhat hesitant for some reason , and it took me a while to respond , but then I greeted her with open arms and told her that no matter what , we were going to be the greatest of friends . I mean that 's what friends are , yes ? The three of us eventually stopped hugging one another , so that Hene could put on her ring , and then we went outside our home and went to the pretty much destroyed Dairy Queen . We got inside and smashed open the soft serve machines and got ourselves " ice cream " . I mean I said we couldn 't eat anything but for all I cared we could pretend that we could eat . We sat down at our table and laughed as we tried eating the ice cream , only to fail . You know , life is full of hardships , but it 's also full of friendships , and even though my past life has been difficult to maneuver , I can see much potential in a brighter future for me . . . as long as May and Hene are at my side to help me go through the tougher times . Fissure ( 2014 ) | Underground ( 2014 ) | Tragedy ( 2015 ) | Strafe : Warzones | 3 . 14 Worlds | Wasteland Warriors | Resurgence | Thorn : No Man 's Land | Overclocked ( 2015 ) | Dark Woods | Heroforce | Aura 's Junkyard | Magma Sentinels ( game ) | GHOST SMILE | GHOST SMILE II | GHOST SMILE : Spooky Spirits | GHOST SMILE : Block n ' Boo ! | GHOST SMILE III | Pusher 's Pile Oxide | The Guap Squad | Vermilion Ashes | The Temple of Dreams | Melting | Paintverse - Just the start ! | Paintverse - Seraphina | Paintverse - Into the Spirit Realm | TriggerBound | Shadowcalypse : Master of the Eclipse | Shadowcalypse 2 : Lord of the Blood Moon | Slaughterbus Forever | Luxmors Bastion | SCRATCH KAT ( Comic ) | Ironworks Pioneers | Spookhaunt | Fantendo - Gaiden | Fantendo - Journey | The Origins of Sreel : Electric Adventurer | Fantendo - Gaiden : Legacy | Fantendo - Misfits at War | Fantendo - Misfits : Starsnow | Gone | Crow vs the World | The Shadows in the Stars | Lucky Charm ( 2016 story ) | Parvati : Written in the Stars | Wonder Wisp | Debutante | Debutante II : Echoes | Johnny Dog | Zodiacs | Constellations | Tessellate | Tessellate : Bad Luck | Dr . Needlenam RX | Champions of Ascerth Expanded Universe Wikia is a free - to - use site that makes money from advertising . We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers Wikia is not accessible if you 've made further modifications . Remove the custom ad blocker rule ( s ) and the page will load as expected . Categories : |
I know … it 's summer . But if you know me , I tend to be a day late and a dollar short . So you are going to have to take what you can get and not read Turkey hunting stories in the right season . It 's still a good story . This was my first year Turkey hunting and I have to admit I was feeling a little down - hearted about going out the second time after my initial experience . The first time around , we got to the spot where we thought the turkeys might be and heard them gobble right at daybreak so we hustled through a small ravine and up the other bank and got set up to be ready for them . They were talking quite a bit but I couldn 't see them . Suddenly I caught a glimpse of movement up in a pine tree and realized it was a big Tom . He was thumping and gobbling as he stood up on a big branch . I turned to my dad who was sitting behind me and pointing up , I quietly said . " They 're up in the tree ! " He nodded his understanding and went on watching and calling . Well , now my first realization here should have been " dad can 't hear very well , maybe you should clarify . " But instead I assumed that since he didn 't react , I wasn 't able to shoot him out of the tree . Bob was back around on my left with a number of trees between us and I couldn 't see him to make him aware of it , so there I sat , for about a half hour , enjoying my view of this big ol ' Tom dragging feathers and gobbling away . Suddenly the flock flew down out of the trees and went down the ravine away from us . We called and tried to bring them back , but they just took off out of there . We chased ' em all around the country and saw them a couple more times , but never close enough to get a shot . Turkeys are fast ! Finally when we were in the pickup , heading home , Bob was saying something about how he thought there must have been one big Tom on the ground because he could hear him stomping heavy , or something like that . So I chime in to explain that he was doing it in the tree . Bob kind of turns to me funny and says " You mean you could see him ? " And I was like " Yeah , I was watching him the whole time . " And both Bob and Dad exclaim " Why didn 't you shoot him ? " Well , you all know why by now . So lesson learned , you can shoot a turkey out of a tree if you choose to . I think some people prefer not to , but it 's not illegal . Okay , so I wasn 't feeling super confident in my ability to get close to a turkey , but Bob dragged me out of bed at 4am anyway so I figured I would give it a try . If nothing else , it was a beautiful morning . We were hunting on a ranch that I had gone to a few times as a kid when my mom was doing some calving for them . I loved going with her , we would get there around 10pm and check cows , then nap in a camper before going back out again after a bit . We would listen to the overnight talk radio while we checked cows , it 's a good memory for me … Anyway , I digress , turkeys . We walked past a dam and bellowing cows up to a stand of pine and quaker trees and started to hear the turkeys gobble . We thought about setting up near some brush but decided to push up a little further . We hunkered down in some dead fall and dad set up his hen decoy where the coulee came down in front of us . We sat and called for awhile when all of a sudden we heard a funky sound ( not 70 's music , just a weird sound … ) We all looked at each other in confusion but we couldn 't see what was making the sound . Well a few minutes later , a muley doe crossed the upper part of the coulee and she was on high alert . She was the one making the crazy noise , sort of a whistly , nasal , snort , bark … I don 't know if she had a fawn down where we were , or what , but she couldn 't figure out what we were , but knew something was up . She crossed back and forth three times trying to sort us out and we figured that her alarm call pushed the turkeys up over the top of the hill because we couldn 't hear them any more . We sat a little longer and I did some arts and crafts with some pine needles and updated my facebook . ( I no longer have the facebook app on my phone , because obviously I have a problem . ) Then we decided to go looking for turkeys . It was starting to feel like that first trip out … So we ramble up over the hill and sort of meander around the top of it when dad catches sight of a hen . He starts calling and we hustle along . Dad informs me that I need to walk further away from the edge of a hill so I can see over the edge but only my head shows to anything down below ( learned something new … ) I was in the front and all of a sudden I see a Tom . He saw us , but didn 't know he should be worried yet . He had his head up and was looking intently my way , and pretty as a picture , right in front of me was a pine tree with a broken branch right at shoulder level . I set the barrel of my gun on it , got a bead on him , let my breath out , pulled the trigger and WHAM ! I flew backwards ! Well , maybe not that bad … But , son - of - a - gun ! That gun kicked ! Good thing I had it seated in my shoulder . For some reason , I didn 't think a shotgun with turkey shot would pack a punch like that . Oh yeah … You want to know if I got the turkey . I did . One shot to the noggin and he was done . Bob tried to get a shot with his bow , but the other turkeys were taking off pretty fast . He said later he should have grabbed my shotgun rather than trying to get a shot with his bow on the run . But you don 't always think of that in the heat of the moment . Bob and I have recently been seeing information about hunting a large game animal called an Aoudad . And if you are anything like me , your first thought might be " What the heck is an Aoudad ? " So of course I had to go online and look up information . And if you are anything like Bob , your first thought might have been " I don 't care what they are ! How can I get on a hunt for an Aoudad ? " Well in either case , I am going to save you some time and fill you in . The Aoudad are a short haired , reddish - brown animal , with a mane of longer hair under their neck and front legs . Both the male and female have horns . They have flourished in the mountains of Texas and New Mexico due in part to their ability to obtain all hydration from the vegetation they consume and remain hydrated for long periods with little water . And that 's why a wild aoudad hunt in West Texas might be one of the most underrated big - game trips out there . You get to glass , climb , feel your muscles ache , and hear your joints creak . And if you hunt hard and shoot well , you 'll likely come home with a very cool trophy and some great memories . While hunting Aoudad is less expensive than some hunts out there , right now it still is above our budget . So Bob and I were excited to find a group of guides from Terlingua , Texas who run a site called HUNTAOUDAD . COM and who regularly give away Aoudad ewe hunts as part of their management strategy and to build awareness about their organization . You can sign up to win a hunt on their website . They also have a great FAQ page that lays out the requirements for a hunt on their place . It would be so exciting to win a hunt and get the chance to go after such a unique and challenging animal . I really like that the hunts are free range and fair chase so we wouldn 't be shooting an animal while it 's feeding at the hay mow . They also have a guide available for the extent of your hunt and you can decide how much or how little they help out . During this year , due to hunting for elk with my family and friends , antelope was an afterthought . Although there were multiple times that I went out hunting antelope with my bow , the first day I had eluded to in Kevin 's elk post awhile ago . Needless to say it didn 't work out on that trip . After getting Kevin 's bull to the processor , we started back out to take a look and check to see if there were a couple of antelope on the property that we had permission on . They weren 't there , so we moved on to the state land nearby . We drove by and while we were glassing , there was a decent buck bedded down about 150 yards in . I got out the arrow and got ready . We pulled onto the road and when we were in bow range we stopped . I asked Henry how far and he said sixty , I was already thinking that in my head so I went with it . We were pulled off the road and I opened the door of the pickup as slowly and as quietly as I could . I stepped out and nocked my arrow . I was shooting in the gap between the door of the pickup and the cab , which in this case was a 3 inch gap . I settled into the pocket of my aiming , squaring up my peep with the sixty yard pin on my Mission Riot bow , making sure the bow was flat on the bubble . I aimed and squeezed down on the release trigger . I watched the arrow fly towards the target and go just under the buck 's chest . He ran off as only antelope do , fast and gracefully . I knew that was going to be it for him coming back to the property for awhile . I walked over to where my arrow went , and when I found the arrow and where the buck was , I ranged back to the truck 65 yards . I had missed my target by the slimmest of margins and it was the closest attempt I had at an antelope throughout bow season . As we waited for a great Montana sunrise , we sat and tried to glass . As the first rays came over the top of the hills , we could see movement . To our right there were some antelope by the fence line only about 200 yards away . We sat and waited . Within about 30 minutes ( and two hours in my mind ) , the antelope moved away on to the private land that I didn 't have permission to be on . We decided to move on and come back by in a couple of hours and see if they crossed the property line . We went to another section of property which usually held antelope and started glassing . After about an hour of glassing the public land , we determined there weren 't any antelope there . We moved back down to where we were in the morning . As we were moving through the edge of the bottom of a draw , we saw antelope , two bucks to be precise . I looked quickly at my GPS and knew they were legal . We looked to make sure weren 't any directly behind those two and there weren 't , but off to the right there were another 20 . Henry and I talked about the antelope and we decided from the quick look we had , the one on the right was the biggest one . I settled into my ruger american 30 . 06 and turned the scope up to 12 . I was looking at the antelope just over some grass . One good breath and as I hit the end of it , I squeezed the trigger . The report sounded off and the antelope dropped out of the scope . It felt like it was a solid shot but I couldn 't tell from where I was shooting . I looked over at Henry and he said with a smile , " Lets go get him . " We cleaned him up , snapped a couple of photos , and then loaded him up into the pickup . We then drove back to Henry 's and started processing . We finished him a couple of hours later , and loaded him in to the cooler to finish the rest back at home . Hey ! We are adding a new aspect to the blog . Almost every week I will put together a post that includes recipes and links to meals we made during the week . Most of them will be centered around fish and wild game that we have harvested and will for the most part be low - carb , paleo - ish friendly . I think this will be really fun and I look forward to hearing what you all think . I will be figuring out how to make these recipes printer friendly as well . This is a recipe I found quite a few years ago . It 's pretty quick to put together because it uses smoked sausage and it 's nice and hearty . This is the original recipe , but I have made a few adjustments . 3 . I add extra veggies and only put in two cans of beans to limit carbs . You could also ( a ) leave out the rice , ( b ) use a rice that fits the way you eat better ( we use brown rice ) and ( c ) just take a small portion to limit carbs also . Pre - heat a frying pan to med - high heat and lay those steaks on there . Depending on thickness , cook for 2 - 3 minutes per side . If the steak sticks to the pan , wait . It 's not ready yet . You want it to be seared and then it should release . Now flip ! As this side cooks , all those yummy juices should come to the top . You want the juices on top to still be a little red and the outsides to be seared . A dry , overcooked steak = sadness . If you aren 't certain if it 's cooked right , take one steak out of the pan and cut it in half . It should be red , but the middle should not look raw . Red = yes , Raw = no . Once the steak is cooked to perfection , pull them all out of the pan . Throw your steak on a plate , slice it up so it looks pretty and fill up the rest of your plate with veggies . We normally do salad . The night I made the steak in the picture , it was just the kids and I so we had raw carrots with ranch and potatoes . ( ok ! It was tater tots , but sometimes you do what you have to do to survive … ) So , I think this was a good recipe … But the problem with fish is that , no matter what you do to it , it still tastes like fish . Now , I know fish is healthy and we have a lot of it , so I continue to eat it . But I don 't care for it . But Bob and our 4 yr old son , who both like fish , enjoyed this dish . So I think it must be okay . It was a cool - crisp Saturday summer morning on September 3rd 2011 , the first day of Montana bow hunting season . My friend Matthew Phillips and his brother Joel accompanied me to the Highwoods National Forest in search of elk . We had gone out a few times the season prior and had seen plenty of elk but we were never able to get close enough to get a good shot off on one . The archery bull tag for the Highwoods is a special draw elk tag for bow hunters . We got up to the spot where we would hike in at dark . First shooting light was around 6 : 13 am . So we wanted to be in position far before the elk started moving around for their morning feed . The first thing we did which we always do before the hike up was say a prayer for the Lord 's blessing on our day , for our safety during the hunt and , God willing , a successful hunt . The hike in was short and easy as we got into position in the pitch dark under a small patch of pine trees . As soon as the darkness started to turn a dark blue tint Matthew gave out the first bugle of the morning to see if there were any answers . The first one fell unsuccessfully without any reply . The elk talk very little in the beginning of the season before the rut starts . The cows were not chirping nor were the bulls bugling . After a few more minutes in just the waning moments of darkness early on this cool clear morning we could still see glimpses of stars shining when Matthew let out another bugle . This time we got several replies in about two or three directions . The farthest bugle was so far up the mountain that it was hard to tell just how far away it could have been . The closest reply sounded like it could have been within 300 yards away which this early in the morning on opening day is extremely close to the bottom of the mountain and quickly forced the adrenaline through our veins . As subtle light began to illuminate the peaks of the surrounding mountain tops to bring separation between darkness of the ground and the lighter tint of the sky , we waited for shooting light to arrive . SittingAfter some time we walked down to the bottom of the coulee where we believed he had ran but there was no sign of him and no blood . With nothing in sight we did not want to push him any further than he had already gone so we decided to hike back to the truck for the game cart in case we did find any sign of him . After a while at the truck we set off to find some sign of where he had gone . We came upon a path in between the aspens that we were in and the creek bed . It was a small open field . After sweeping and surveying the area we finally came upon some hope . We found my blood stained arrow which was covered from G5T3 broad head tip to nock end . It was very exciting to find this and it picked my adrenaline back up . From the spot of the arrow drop we discovered that the blood trail began . We followed the faint blood trail up the creek a ways , across the creek , into the trees , up the tree covered hillside which switched back and forth all the way up . Half way up the hillside we came upon a paper plate sized pool of curdled dark blood which was a sign that the blood was building up in his lungs . Most likely this was the spot where he had stopped to give the blood curdling last bugle after he was shot . We followed still a faint blood trail up the rest of the way , across a small clearing , into another thick tree line which was just the beginning of the thick of the forest . We followed the trail for hours and at some points we were even on our hands and knees looking for even the faintest sign of blood . By now Matthew 's oldest brother Jeff had joined us in the search . At times even finding a pin head sized blood spot kept us going to the next blood spot . After over eight hours of searching and tracking for the bull that I thought I was going to harvest , hope started to fade to a sickening feeling of defeat . The thought that I had lost this bull was overwhelming and frustrating . The perfect and ideal opening day hunt had turned into a nightmare . The last sign that we had of him was high on the mountain - side . In the thiI went home that night frustrated and disappointed . Yet , I was absolutely amazed at the survivability of this animal . I had just shot an arrow completely through the body of this massive bull elk in what I thought at the time was a vital area shot and yet he had survived . Questions and doubt were haunting me and I had trouble sleeping for the next several nights . I have always touted my belief in a good , clean , ethical kill when hunting . The thought that I would merely injure an animal that I was hunting and not be able to harvest it is a nightmare because of those hunting morals that I hold true to . There was no doubt that my arrow had gone completely through his body because it was blood soaked from tip to tip . How could anything survive that ? What incredible creatures elk are . If anything , this experience gave me much more of a respect for these animals . Five days later on Thursday , 8 September , Matthew and I decided to go out to our same spot for an afternoon hunt after work . We made it out to the woods at just after 5 : 00 p . m . which gave us just about 3 hours for the hunt . After hiking up a ridgeline halfway to the peak of the mountain top that we were shooting for we stopped to scout the open clearings . While we were glassing the peak top clearings Matthew immediately spotted a small herd in a clearing where we had spotted them while scouting before the season opener . We were in such a rush to get up to this point we never really established who would be taking the shot if we got within range . By this point we both had an opportunity to take a shot at an elk this season . We decided to take a democratic approach ; we played paper , scissors , rock . I won . So , Matthew agreed to call for me if we could get in on the herd . By this point we had only about one and a half to two hours of shooting light . We decided the only option was to sprint to the top . We took off . It was like the scene at the end of Last of the Mohicans when they were charging up the mountain side . We had no choice but to push hard . We were losingAs we approached the clearing that was through the tree line where we saw the herd we heard a bugle call out and we could tell it was somewhere within 150 to 200 yards away . Chills ran down my spine . Matthew explained that he would stay at least 80 yards behind me before starting to call to the herd . We spotted movement through the trees . Matthew got into position while I positioned myself further up in the trees edge by the clearing . I now was in full stalk mode . I knew that every movement , sound and breath I made was crucial . Matt gave out a few cow calls . A bull started barking back . Not giving a full out bugle but instead small short barks . Yet , they were loud powerful barks that emanated through the trees . As I quietly hunkered down inside the tree line I finally spotted the bull that was calling back to Matt . He was a nice mature looking bull . There was a patch of trees that the bull was hugging . This patch of trees was only a few hundred yards from the top edge of the mountain ridge in a beautiful clearing cradled in the midst of the thick forest pines . I could just make out his figure and then he walked out from behind the trees and stopped to look in our direction . I made no movement yet because he was out in the open and still about 100 yards away . Matthew did an amazing job of keeping this bull 's attention and curiosity up . It was as if I was listening to a conversation between a bull elk and a cow elk . Bothered by the call he walked into the thick forest tree line . Now out of the bull 's line of site I took this opportunity to advance my position . I gained a few more yards . Matthew continued his talking back and forth with this bull . I will never forget the resonating sound of the bark that the bull would let out . Being so close to a bull elk and hearing the sounds that they give off truly sends chills down the back of my neck making every hair stand on edge . There is no other sound like it . The daylight was quickly fading , as was my window of opportunity . I watched as the bull walked back behind the small patch of trees . At about 80 yards away , I knew that I had no choice but to try to get within shooting range if I was going to get a shot at this bull . With my Reezen nocked with an arrow I began to slowly creep up the steep incline toward this small group of trees . Moving slowly up , my thighs were burning ; not just from the hike up but also from slowly creeping up at a snail 's pace trying not to spook this bull . Adrenaline was keeping me going as I continued to stalk forward . I approached the edge of this group of trees and the bull was staring in my direction . I finally got right up behind and against a tree on the edge . The bull jerked around to the right in a short charge as if he was about to run away but he stopped . He was curious and did not know what I was . He turned back to the left with his left side facing me . All I was waiting for was for him to walk a few yards to the left and I would have a clear broad - side shot through the trees . He began to walk to the left as if he was going to head into the thick forest tree line and into cover . As he began to take his first steps to the left I drew back on my bow . Light was fading and I knew it was almost last light . If not for the fiber optic pins on my sight I would have had trouble sighting in on him . After taking a few steps he curiously stopped and looked directly at me . He was majestic , just like the bull I faced five days before . It was a perfect opportunity , as if the Lord was giving me a second chance at success in one week . Just as before , I had ranged him in my head . I put him at 60 yards . He was now perfectly broad side and looking at me . With my 60 yard pin on the same spot as before I relaxed , took a breath and let the arrow fly . It felt like minutes before the arrow reached him , the moment that took only seconds felt like forever . The arrow penetrated his side , he immediately charged to the left and into the thick tree line of the forest . After seeing him run into the tree line about 80 yards away all I could do now was listen . I heard him stop , followed by a short pause . Next , I heard branches rustling , crashing and then silence . I knew that I had just shot and taken down a beautiful bull elk . Matt was still down the hill . I wanted to yell for excitement at the top of my lungs but I composed myself . I called out to Matt and said , " Matt , I got him ! He 's down . I got him ! " Matthew later told me that at that moment when I called out to him he looked down at his watch and it was 8 : 12 p . m . , the last minute of shooting light . I shot a bull at the bottom of the mountain on opening day , just after first light and lost him . Five days later I shot a bull at the top of the mountain at last light and this time I got him . We walked into the thick tree line and found my bull with his 6X6 rack up against a tree . The most amazing part of the story is what we discovered next . While field dressing the bull we pulled out the front half of my arrow that had broken off inside him during his fall which penetrated his lungs and brought him down . Less than two inches from my arrows entry point , in his left side , was another entry wound just an inch outside of the lungs . The other wound was recent but older by only a few days . There was an exit wound on his right side that clearly was the exit wound from the older entry wound on his left side . This was the same bull that I had shot five days prior on the same mountain . I shot him twice on the left side but only the first shot from five days prior had an exit wound on the right side . Not only did the Lord give me a second chance at success , he gave me a second chance at the same bull that I had shot just days earlier . I was exuberant with joy . I would not have wanted it any other way . What a blessing this was . This truly was a hunt of a lifetime . This is one I will never forget and maybe never surpass . This wSave Every year there is a place in Montana where I apply for an archery permit because it has 75 % draw odds so I can draw it and hunt with the rest of the crew . This is one of my favorite hunts during the year , as we are able to see elk and every once in a while be able to get within bow range . This is a public land hunt , but sometimes it can seem as if it were not a public land hunt . This year I invited a friend , Kevin , to come along on this hunt and put in for the same draw for a permit . This year ended up a bit differently . We applied for the permits and then came the long wait . The months and weeks seemed to crawl by , waiting to see how our crew did with the lottery . One day , while on Facebook , I saw someone post that the permits had been drawn and were available to look at on the Montana Fish Wildlife and parks website . I went to look and after a couple of minutes , my hopes were dashed . I ended up not drawing the elk tag . After a few phone calls and text messages , I found out the rest of the party had . Since I didn 't want to miss out on this hunt though , this would essentially make me the caller for this trip . * On a side note , I would end up drawing a cow tag for the same unit , but that tag would not be a priority during bow season . Kevin ( my friend who I had apply for the unit ) , Henry ( my father - in - law ) and I packed up the camper and Kevin 's truck to go see what we could find . We pulled into the spot late on Friday and got ready for the next day . That first night is always a restless one , with the all too familiar dreams of grandeur and excitement . The morning also came with the familiar feeling of grogginess from the lack of sleep . back into them that day . The one good thing was as we split up and walked back to the truck . Henry found the best dead head of a 6X6 I have ever seen . He initially saw just the top two tines sticking up out of the mud , but as he pulled , the antlers just kept coming ! It was a neat find . The next day we saw more elk , but no luck in slipping in for a shot . That afternoon started the rain , which would continue throughout the night and into the next day . We decided to pack up the gear and headed out since the rain was really coming down . The area we were in could become a giant mudhole and we could potentially get stuck in there until it dried out some . The next week at work was fast and furious as I was attempting to get everything done in four days that I would have to take care of to be gone for 10 total . Finally Thursday night rolled around . Kevin and I would be taking his camper out so we met at his house to get all of the final items ready for us to get on the road . I kept as low as I could and eventually they turned broadside . The only issue , they were at 90 yards and I had no way of trying to get any closer . I knew we should get going , so I pushed it a bit and tried to belly crawl . Their eyes were too good and I ended up spooking them on to the neighbor 's property . The next morning we headed out and parked the truck . We moved to the top of the ridge and I let out a location bugle . To our surprise , three different bulls sounded off down the canyon . From this reaction , I figured it was going to be a good morning . We then split up from Henry and moved in closer . As we got closer to where the bulls could be , I decided to adjust some gear . Kevin was new to bowhunting and all he had this year was a hiking backpack and with every step he took , it was making a swishing sound . I had him take it off in order to kill some of the noise we might make . He grabbed a few items and we moved on forward . We moved to the edge of a field and I put Kevin into a spot I thought would be perfect if the bull kept coming . I moved off about 75 yards and set up my decoy . During this whole time the bulls were screaming bugle after bugle , getting us excited about what may be coming . I thought they were within about 150 yards and so I started cow calling since we heard a couple of cows in the mix . After a few minutes of calling , one bull seemed to be moving away , but the two other bulls were still bugling . We decided the only way to get him to come in was to get closer to the action . We pulled the decoy and moved about 300 yards down the ridge to where the drainage we were on opened up to another drainage . I then set out the decoy and started cow calling again . While I was calling this time , after about every third call , I would hear what sounded like a hoochie mama from primos . Kevin and I talked about this for a moment and we decided that we should keep calling and that the primos call was maybe a hunter but hopefully they would stay were they were at . After about 10 minutes , the bull seemed to be moving further away again . This is when I went to desperation mode and I decided to rake the tree . When I raked the tree , the bull lit back up and I started into my cow calls again . I sent Kevin down across the other side of the draw . I ended up cow calling a couple more times and then the surprise of the day happened . What we both had thought was a hunter calling using a hoochie mama , was actually a cow ! She appeared over the ridge to our right . She saw the decoy and I called again and she started coming . It was at this time I saw the bull , his antlers coming over the top of the ridge . From where Kevin was sitting , however , he couldn 't see him coming . I cow called one more time and he ripped off a bugle , which let Kevin know he was almost there . It was just after this bugle , the bull saw the decoy ( which I was sitting behind ) . Once he saw the decoy he lost his mind and he moved quickly toward the bottom of the draw and was 32 yards in front of Kevin . I saw Kevin draw and heard the bow go off and the great thwack the arrow makes when entering the body . The elk ran up the ridge a ways and then coughed out blood . I kept calling and he stopped one more time . I then packed up my gear and took my bow and strapped it to my badlands diablo dos pack . I moved across the draw and got up to Kevin . He was beside himself trying to decide what to do next . From what I had seen I told we should wait about another 15 minutes and that we should go take a look at the arrow . We found the arrow in a bush and Kevin was worried as the broad head didn 't look like it deployed . I had him hand it to me and I opened it up , to which we saw it had blood and hair on the inside . This told me we probably were going to find the bull not too far away . We moved up the hill to follow the blood trail ( although it wasn 't where I last saw the elk ) . When we moved up to where he had coughed , there was a good amount of blood . So we kept moving . At the top of the hill , there was an insane amount of blood and I absolutely knew that the bull was close . But for Kevin , he expected the bull to keep moving , as this was his first elk ever ( and with a bow ) . As we approached the top of the hill , in a dip to the left I saw the bull upside down . Just as in the hunting shows , I ended tapping Kevin on the shoulder and pointing out his bull to him . It was at this moment he lost his mind . The bull in the end ran about 200 yards but ended up only being about 100 yards away from the initial shot . Kevin had hit the main artery in the neck with his frontal shot ( which we discussed a few months earlier about where to aim ) . I gave him my phone to take pictures with and I used my GPS to find where we left his pack . From where he was located in relationship from the truck we determined to gut the elk , cut him in half and then go get the cart . The cleaning was probably the least bloody one we have ever had as most of the blood had come out of the neck . We cut between the third and fourth rib and moved the bull in to the shade . Just as we started heading up to the pickup Henry called and said to come pick him up . We responded that he should come find us and we headed up to the pickup . We got the back half loaded in to the cart and headed back up to the pickup . Just as we were about a hundred yards away from the pickup , Henry saw us loading up the back half so he joyfully sat down and watched us load the back half . In Montana the past two seasons , the state has opened up a shoulder rifle season for cow elk in certain hunting districts . In 2015 I wasn 't able to take advantage and fill one of my tags during the late season . However , I thought that this may be different this year . When I arrived in Lewistown , my father and law and I hopped in the truck and took a ride . After not seeing much that evening , we thought that there may be a group of elk that would come out on a certain piece of state property , which is irrigated and still very green . We had our plan for the morning . We woke up early about 4 am . We got dressed and got all of the gear loaded up and headed out . Along the drive about 10 miles away from the place we were planning to check out , we had 8 elk come up to the road to our right ! This is just what we were looking for . We kept driving , hoping that they were going to go to the state land we were headed to . I got out of the truck to open and close a gate . As I stepped out of the truck , I realized the temperature was already balmy , I looked when I was back in the truck and saw it was 55 degrees . As we continued forward , daylight was just breaking . We rounded the corner and saw a pickup stopped in the road . The driver opened his door and walked back to Henry and I . We waited a couple of minutes to get us to the time where we had shooting light . When it was time , we moved forward in the vehicles and then the elk saw us coming . They started moving forward and away from us . We all busted out of the trucks and the guy in the other truck got out and steadied himself for a shot . He took a shot and was able to get his elk , but we didn 't have a shot under 400 yards . The elk were now running . We didn 't have much of a chance for a shot . We ran forward to a place where we had a chance to shoot . I tried to get my rifle steady for the shot , but couldn 't get set up well , so I didn 't try for a shot . Henry and I took a minute and talked about what we thought could happen . We decided to hop in the truck and go around to the other side of the place we were hunting . We figured that the elk were going to move to the private property on the other side . We got in and started driving . About 20 minutes later , we were on the other side . We stopped the truck and get out and just started listening . Right away I heard cows mewing . I told Henry and we moved into the woods . Not 200 yards in , we see the first cow . Henry takes a shot and misses . I hear them move to my left and so I break from Henry and get into position . I hear Henry shoot again and about a minute later , I end up taking a couple off hand shots at a cow moving through the trees . I missed ! I checked the area where the elk was and confirmed my miss and then I went back to check on Henry . I found him looking for me and he said that he hit a cow well . We then went and checked where the elk he hit was standing and found good blood . We then followed the tracks and after a bit we couldn 't find any more blood . We moved forward through the woods when all of the sudden I see an elk with her head hanging lower looking at us . I didn 't have a good shot from where I was , so I tried moving to where I could get a good shot to get the cow down . During my movement , she saw me and busted out of those trees . We got in and got to work . We got her broken down into half and went to go get the cart . We brought in the cart and she was only about 700 yards from the pickup . We loaded up the back half as fast as we could and got it back to the truck and then went in for the front . We were back at the truck about 9 am and 67 degrees , headed for the processor as fast as we could . After a long couple of hours back and forth , we pulled in to the spot where we had parked that morning . We walked in and when we were 100 yards from where we got the cow , we saw the calf . Henry tried cow calling as I moved toward the calf and a tree to get a shot . I ended up setting up in a bad spot and didn 't have a shot and the calf ran off . We talked about our next plan of action . We decided to move and get our wind right and start calling . So we get set up and Henry said , " I 'm going to take a nap , wake me up before you shoot . " I start calling a couple more times and then I hear the calf respond 100 yards away in another patch of trees . I get Henry ready to call and i get my rest on a tree . There was one window I had through all of the branches and said to myself when the elk hits that spot , I need to be pulling the trigger . Henry called one more time and the calf trotted in to the opening and I pulled the trigger . I hit the calf right behind the front shoulder and it went 20 yards and laid down . I snuck over and took another shot to end it . I got to work cleaning the animal and Henry went back to get the cart . I moved the calf as far as I could by myself with the shade we had . After 15 minutes , Henry made it back and we loaded the calf up . We then were back at the truck in another 15 minutes . The temperature then , at 11 am , was 77 degrees so we were in a hurry to get him to the processors as quickly as possible . Well opening of rifle season was October 22nd and that marked the beginning of a week long " vacation " we take each year . As some of you know , we homeschool , and one of the perks of homeschooling is determining when you take vacations . A few years ago we started spending the entire first week of rifle season at my parent 's house in Lewistown , Montana . The first year , I packed up all of our school books and supplies and tried to do school while we were there . It was a flop . So now we just look forward to a week of visiting with family and hunting . My brother comes over from Washington and mom watches the kids some so I can go out and it 's a blast . I decided I am going old - school and will set these up like a photo album and fill you in as we go . Do you remember photo albums people ? That reminds me , I need to print pictures … I think I am behind by about seven years … Anyhow , we started out the week by waking up early and heading out to some BLM land . We had heard that the elk bed down there and sometimes you can catch them there before they head back over to graze on the N Bar Ranch in the morning . Dad , Bob & I hiked up a large hill through the quaker trees and the underbrush in the semi - darkness while Jonas and my cousin - in - law , Raleigh hiked up a trail to the other side of the hill . We knew also that my dad 's cousin Benny 's boys , Aaron and Logan , were up there somewhere too and found out later they were up a ways more and were overlooking the next ridge . We got set up under some trees in front of a meadow we thought they might come through as light broke . We almost immediately heard three shots further North of us and thinking that the elk might now get pushed down a coulee further that way , we relocated quickly . We continued to hear a shot here and there , but unfortunately , we didn 't get into the elk . Aaron and Logan ( along with a couple other guys ) had been able to see a herd of cows right below them once it was light and they shot a cow , which pushed the elk up Southwest of us , into a group of other hunters who shot their elk . We never did get to see them . Although once we were back at the truck and looked up the hill we had come down , we did see a large black bear run across a clearing and down into the trees . We spent the rest of that day watching other hunters … Well that 's what it felt like . It was really crazy , being the first day of rifle season . Normally the guys go down to the river to hunt and they get way back into the backcountry where there aren 't so many people . But I didn 't have a tag for that area and they were trying to let me hunt without completely abandoning my mom with the kids so we were doing more local hunting . Thus all the people . It 's hard to not have fun when you get to drive around Montana and hang out with other hunters though . We spent awhile just watching all of the movement of hunters below us as we stood on a ridge and visited with Benny , his boys and the others who had been hunting with them . And we chased coyotes and saw lots of wildlife . Anybody know this song ? Mom ? " I 'm wild and wooly and full of fleas , never been curried below the knees … I sit and howl on the lone prairie ! I 'm a _ ( What 's the answer ? ) ! " The next day we tried a different spot and ran into a whole lot of elk hanging out on private land which again was owned by the N Bar ( it feels like they own everything over there now ! ) . I hear they don 't let many people hunt on their place . But I am starting to think I need to call and ask for next year … Ok , over there in the middle of the side - hill … Do you see the herd of elk ? No ? That 's because my camera sucks . If that bothers you , keep checking back , we have plans for a new camera and your continued support of the blog will help immensely ! Well , that morning we didn 't have any luck with the elk so we decided to go back over by the colony to look for deer . We dropped off my brother , Jonas , at one end of the area we planned to hunt and we went to look up on the other end . He saw some does and a few small bucks but the one we were looking for wasn 't there . Jonas saw a few coyotes too so as we were driving to another spot dad wanted us to try we caught sight of one of the coyotes and gave chase . So the guys did end up getting a shot at the coyote but it made it to a den and dodged inside . Dad and Jonas tried to figure out how to get the coyote out of it 's den and decided they didn 't want to stick their face down in there . They dug out the front so they could look in without having to get too close and found the coyote . Jonas decided to shoot him once more with the pistol and his front half disappeared into the den . He pulled the trigger and WHUMP … the sound reverberated from out of the den and Jonas came out shaking his head . As a result the coyote moved way to the back and we weren 't able to retrieve him , but on our way out we saw Logan and told him about it . By the time he got back there , the coyote had come out and was laying dead at the opening . Meh … At least I was able to glean some entertainment from the whole deal . The next morning found us again looking at elk on the N Bar , I am serious , it 's everywhere … We were at their fence line looking back towards private land that we could hunt on the next day , but their family was hunting there over the weekend and we could go on after they had first chance . In between the private land was some BLM and we were hoping that the elk might get pushed up through there on their way to the N Bar . No luck . This here is an N Bar fence post . In those trees back there were the elk . We sat and listened to bulls bugle and cows mew for awhile as we watched them through the binoculars . It was beautiful and exciting and frustrating … We set up in a meadow that evening to wait for the elk to come back in to graze . Jonas and Dad went scouting around to see if they might run into them . I found a lot of pretty mushrooms and took some selfies . No elk . Ok the days have all started running together in my memory at this point . So here 's the wrap - up . It was fun . We saw and did SO much that week . I am going to throw a couple more pictures at you including the one with the single critter I managed to harvest all week . Thanks for joining me on my trip down memory lane ! My mama got this nice whitetail doe . She was kindly pointing out that she got her with one shot so I could show my cousin Raleigh who did not get his deer with one shot . Or two … We love you Raleigh ! Finally got something ! I got this nice whitetail buck on the last day we had to hunt . I was really pleased with this guy . He is a really nice size , antler - wise , for this area and he was a well - fed , big - bodied deer . And it was a beautiful shot , if I do say so myself . He never knew what hit him . I made one shot and he just toppled down on himself . When we gutted him we saw that the shot entirely disconnected his heart so I was really happy about that . Oh , man I just love fall . I love the colors , the smell , the way the air feels … It just has a different energy from the rest of the year . So combine that with going out to look for Bob 's antelope and going Pheasant hunting for the first time and it makes for a great time ! First I want to tell you this story … I guess about 13 years ago I had said to my dad that I wanted to hunt pheasant so my dad was on the lookout for a shotgun for me . Well , while he and my mom were in Billings she had him stop at Shopko and he went to go look at guns and was eyeing a 20 gauge they had there for $ 230 but decided not to get it . So they get ready to leave and as he goes out the door , the blue light starts flashing and the voice over the loudspeaker announces that the Remington 20 gauge is on blue light special ! Did you guys know they really did blue light specials ? And I do want to know who controlled what went on special , maybe the guy at the gun counter who saw this fella looking at a particular gun ? Anyway , dad goes back in there and the gun is on special so he goes ahead and buys it . Then when he gets home , there 's a rebate in one of his hunting magazines so he sends that in and get twenty bucks back . And now he 's got my gun . But unfortunately it didn 't get out much until now . And once you hear the rest of this , you might pity it even more ! Now for page two … ( Anybody get that ? Huh ? ) Well , anyhow Bob and I took our 4 yr old son , Robby , with us and piled in the truck with my dad and went looking for antelope at daylight . We drove out towards Grass Range to hunt out at the Ayer 's Hutterite Colony and entered the first pasture . We soon realized we had picked the wrong day to hunt that area because it was the weekend that there were cattle buyers in town and a lot of the area rancher 's were gathering up calves to ship . So as we drove in we were met with cattle semi 's , bawling cattle and horses and riders on the move . We went ahead and checked the entire area that we had permission to hunt on , but the antelope had all been pushed out into the neighboring ranches . My dad hunts two Brittany Spaniels , Joe and Dex , that are eight and ten years old so they have a lot of experience . And we have a Brittany Spaniel / Golden Retriever cross we call CC . She is almost two and this was her first time out . We really should have had her out before and we have mostly worked with her on obedience training , but she has always been pretty keen on pointing so we were hoping she hadn 't lost some of that natural instinct . As we got out of the truck , there were some Pheasant feathers on the ground and I showed them to CC and she got pretty excited and dad 's dogs started sweeping along , nose to the ground . We took off up along a draw with dad on one side and Bob and I on the other . Dad 's dog flushed a hen right away but we can only shoot roosters so we continued on . Our dog swept in and out of the long grass and brush , coming back to check in with us and then taking off again . I think she thought at first that we were just out for a nice walk when all of a sudden as she was running excitedly after a scent she surprised a hen that flew up right in front of her . She jumped up after it as it flew and then came back to us , running all out and you could see in her eyes that she knew what was up now . She became a bit more focused and followed dad 's dogs more closely as they scoured the bottom of the coulee . They scared up a few pheasant here and there and Bob and Dad got a few shots off with no luck . Day was drawing to a close and we decided to drive down and check out one more spot when dad noticed some roosters in the field off the road . Bob hopped out and intended to let me try to get around where I could try a shot too but the birds started to take off and we didn 't get a chance at them . We drove just a bit further and there was another rooster . I hopped out and he flew up right in front of me . I pumped my gun , settled it into my shoulder , squeezed the trigger … and nothing . I left my safety on . ARG ! ! ! Well , after that we saw a bunch of pheasant head across the stubble field and down towards the ravine in a different area . We still had 40 minutes of hunting time left as you can hunt 30 minutes after sunset so we set off after them . As we came up to the edge we saw them all coast down into the bottom . We had left the dogs because we had hoped to sneak up on them a little bit so we stood looking down the steep hill as they disappeared into the long grass and brush in the bottom . Then we all started to meander down the slope . Pheasant flew up here and there and dad shot two roosters . I didn 't get a shot and Bob tried for a couple . So , all in all , it wasn 't entirely successful but man was it fun . I loved tromping around with the dogs and the thrill of watching those beautiful birds fly up and hearing the whir of their wings . I can 't wait to get out again . And this time I am sure I will remember to flip my safety off . I am so excited to share this story with you today ! Courtney has a great way of telling her story and it 's an exciting hunt . I 'll turn you over to Courtney to hear what happens . I grew up rifle hunting with my dad and my brother ; I give my dad all the credit for introducing me to hunting and instilling in me a passion for being outdoors and soaking up God 's creation . I 'm so grateful that he didn 't discount me as a daughter ( hunter ) , and brought me along like a son . Some of my fondest memories are hunting trips with the two of them . Another amazing man in my life , my husband , introduced me to the archery world . He spent the majority of his big game hunting carrying a bow , and if I wanted to be hunting with him I needed to pick up a new art . After one season of his hunting without me , I couldn 't handle the amazing stories - I had to try it out . I 've been hooked ever since . There is NOTHING like a bull elk within 30 , 20 , even 10 yards of you , and his amazingly distinct bugle screaming in your face . I have had more close - up , pee - your - pants experiences with elk since I picked up the sport than I could ask for . It has been incredible . Our alarm went off at 3 : 30 am , opening morning . Maybe , just maybe , it was a little easier to get up this morning than other stupid - early - ones , simply because of opening morning excitement . But , we were still dragging . " You 're not gonna shoot a big bull elk laying in bed ! " was always my husband 's line . We met up with my brother , my other favorite hunting partner , and hit the road . We were teeming with excitement to see what the public land we had our eye on held for us this year . We had done our homework , and scouted plenty . Things seemed pretty promising , but once hunting season starts there are no promises . We have had incredible years out there , as well as flops . We parked quite a distance from our goal coulee , checked our wind , and walked across a field . While walking in , Kyle ( brother ) spotted 5 bulls feeding in a field beyond the draw . We quickly made a plan and split up . Toby ( husband ) set - up with the cow decoy on one side of the coulee , and Kyle and I headed down in and up the other side . We split up , both hoping to intercept the bulls as they grazed out of the field . As I slowly side - hilled around a corner , I could hear 2 bulls fighting . It sounded super close , so I set up near a tree that was right off of an elk highway . My heart began to pump and I started to get nervous , as I felt the adrenaline rush through my body . I have had plenty of close encounters with bull elk , and my body involuntarily remembered and began to shake . I thought , " Am I going to be able to hold still enough to shoot ? " Within a minute of standing there , I heard something splashing through some water straight downhill from me . I looked down and spotted a spike bull , wading through the small puddle in the creek below and crossing to the other side . Soon another followed him . And another . I couldn 't believe it . Now what do I do ? Stay where I hear 2 bulls sparring , and am hoping they will come ? Or get down to the water ? I decided the water was obviously where they were traveling , and as quickly and quietly as I could , snuck down over a small cliff and through a carpet of noisy pinecones . The whole time , I had to be mindful of the spikes across the canyon from me , and keep trees between their eyesight and my movement . I found a great little opening , pulled up my rangefinder , and found that I was still 60 yards from a shot to the other side of the water where they were coming out . Sixty is beyond my range , so I planned to try to get down a little lower . I glanced up to check my surroundings , and another bull ( 5 or 6 point ) had busted me . He was standing above me ( on the trail I had just left ) staring me down . He quickly turned around and left , as quietly as he had snuck up on me . It constantly amazes me how quietly such a large animal with 4 hooves can move through a wooded area . A little bummed , I returned to my plan to move down . I reassessed my position : I was now 40 yards from the other side , which was perfect . I started to range spots around me , when something caught my eye off to the left . Another bull was quickly moving toward the water below me . It wasn 't moments after I saw him that he walked behind some bushes / trees , and I instinctively drew my bow ( I 've made the mistake of being busted with my draw too many times ) . This bull didn 't walk through the water , and made the deadly choice to walk my side of it , at 19 yards . As he crept into the open area in front of me , I let my arrow fly . He took off like a dart , and I immediately started cow calling with my diaphragm call . It was thick enough off to my right that I had He had had his own circus with bulls up above me , and thought at the sound of my wild calling that he had busted everything out . He was bummed . I was pumped . I quietly shared my tentative excitement . We devised a plan to let my bull be for a bit , and to meet up with Tob and head back to the truck . Once there , we optimistically grabbed the pack frames and loaded up for a pack - out - trip . We decided to walk the draw from the east end of the public land , in hopes that if we jumped him he wouldn 't run off " huntable " land . I took the middle , and Kyle and Tob took either side of me as we worked the draw up toward the spot where I had shot . About 150 yards from where my arrow flew , I heard a cow call being used like a kazoo ; Tob had spotted my bull , who was down and done - for . What a relief ! I immediately gave the Lord thanks , and jumped in the air like a little girl . Last year , I was devastated after an amazing hunt and good shot left us tracking a bull for a night and a day . We never recovered him . Unless you have had that experience , you don 't even know how close to hanging up your bow it leaves you . So , my relief and excitement were beyond explanation ! My first bull with a bow ! We celebrated , went back to the spot where I shot him , and tried to " track him " back to where he was laying for fun . Using the gutless method , we cut out as much meat as we could and loaded up the pack frames . Thank goodness for those two men . It wasn 't mountain hunting , but it still wasn 't easy . We hiked up the cliffs of the draw ( which was not fun ) , and then about 1 mile out to the truck ; the guys both had about 100 lbs on their back , and I was sucking wind and proud with my antlers and all the non - quartered meat . |
One of my favorite meals is a fried , broken - yolk egg on toast . It is quick , easy , cheap , nutritious , and I almost always have the ingredients . Today as I was frying my egg and toasting my toast , I remembered some eggs of my youth . Most of the time our meals were very consistent : meat , potatoes , vegetable , bread and dessert . But occasionally , probably on a weekend , we would sit down to the table and mom would bring in a big platter . . . a very big platter . . . of eggs . I can see it now . It would start with the person sitting in the NE corner and go all the way around the table , with everyone sliding off a few eggs . Everyone , that is , except me . All those eggs had soft yolks , and I have never been able to stand soft - yolked eggs . I wonder how many eggs mom fried for a meal . She used the lefse plate and I 'm sure she covered it more than once . Funny , I can 't remember what we had to eat with the eggs . I just picture that big platter of soft - yolked eggs going around the table , stopping at each place , and depositing some eggs onto the plates . I wonder . . . what did I eat ? I 'm sure it wasn 't eggs . As some of you know , a hobby of mine is to collect teacups and saucers . But not just any teacup and saucer . I only want ones from different countries . My goal is to have twelve cups and saucers made in twelve different countries . Right now I have Russia , Germany , England , Poland , Greece and the USA . I am halfway there ! When Amber and her Dad went to South Africa in November , my only wish was that they would bring me back a teacup and saucer made in South Africa . They returned just before Thanksgiving . When they came over to celebrate the holiday , I was trying to control my excitement , expecting my teacup and saucer ! But , alas ! No such thing . Instead there were the stories of how they looked here and they looked there , and they tried to buy one from a coffee shop ( they were in use ) , and they went to malls and stores and could not find any teacup and saucer that was made in South Africa . " They aren 't much into making those in South Africa , " said Nik . I was starting to feel guilty for even wanting it ; they worked so hard to find it for me . I was afraid their entire trip was ruined because of my teacup and saucer obsession . But , no problem , everything is okay . Then came Christmas . I opened my gift from their family . . . . a massage ! Hey , that 's cool . I love massages , though I 've only had one in my life . One more gift - - you guessed it . A teacup and saucer made in South Africa ! ! I was overjoyed . But didn 't they tell me they could not find one ? Now the full story comes out . They were correct in saying all the things they did ; couldn 't find it in the malls or stores . What they didn 't say was that at the airport , as they were leaving South Africa , they found this teacup and saucer . Whew ! Thanks , Nik and Amber . I love it and have used it many times already ! Today we drove hundreds of miles across the prairies of Wisconsin , Minnesota and Iowa . It was as we were going through Iowa that I tuned into the beauty around me . Many of my sophisticated urbanite friends ( and probably some relatives ) find a trip like this boring and . . . . . well , very boring . " Nothing to look at , " they say , " It 's just too barren . " Let me tell you what I saw today . I saw thousands of acres of rich farmland hidden beneath a thick blanket of snow . Snow that will melt and water the earth . Water the earth that will produce food to feed us all . Or produce grasses and grains to feed the animals that will feed us all . Dotted along the highway I saw roads leading up to cozy homes . Homes with houses , barns , sheds , garages , large yards , and acres to call their own . Homes that brought back memories of the days when I lived in a place like that . I saw trees barren of leaves , but clothed in a thin layer of ice that glittered in the sunlight , as if they were made of glass . As we drove by I noticed one of the glass trees had a lone bird perched on a glass branch . I saw trees that were coated in frost , each branch and twig pure white . For several miles , along the roadside , I saw snowdrifts that looked like the wave of the ocean coming to shore . Boring and barren ? Not so much . We just need to open our eyes and understand the cycles of nature that gives us all life . And where else can you stretch your soul from horizon to horizon , with nothing to obstruct the view or to restrict the feeling of freedom ? 1969 - my last Christmas living in my parent 's home . This seems like a good ending to my series of Christmas memories . And what a memory Christmas 1969 was ! I was almost 18 , a senior in high school . After months of begging , pleading , cajoling , I got my biggest wish - I was going to fly to California to spend Christmas with my sister Evie and her family . This was a very big deal . I had never been on an airplane . I had never been to California . I had never taken a trip by myself . But I was full of confidence and had no fear of the unknown . My world was about to expand exponentially . Some of my favorite memories of this trip : Changing planes in Minneapolis , having to go to the bathroom and discovering you had to pay . ( I did not pay because I caught the door when someone else was leaving . ) Seeing Evie and Bill at the airport in Los Angeles as I came off the Jetway . Little Annette and Billy ; they were so adorable and loving to their Aunt AudreyPalm treesWarm weatherSpaghetti on Christmas EveOpening gifts on Christmas morning ( can you believe it ? ? ) DisneylandSubs and Suds ( never heard of it before ) Montovani musicCheetosCute guysLong talks with EvieTraffic , traffic , trafficPacific oceanChristmas dinner in the garage . . . with doors open . . . in DecemberWhat a long way life had brought me . I went from cozy , familiar and safe Christmases to a whole new and different world ; strange environment , different customs and traditions , strangers . Over the years since leaving home , Christmas has been so many different scenarios . As good or not - so - good as any of them were , every December 24 my mind and heart takes a short trip back to the little living room overflowing with presents under the tree , the tables laden with food , and my large family gathered together . And I thank God for how blessed I was in my formative years . Come on , ring those bells ! Light the Christmas tree ! Jesus is the King . . . . born for you and me . Come on , ring those bells ! Everybody say , " Jesus , we remember this , your birthday . " Little did I know that the next Christmas would be very different . . . in a good way . You wouldn 't think so the way 1967 started . The first months of the year I was one very miserable teenager ; extremely disillusioned , feeling like my life was restrictive and repressive . I was questioning everything . And we were at war . In fact , I had three brothers connected to the military . . . . David was in the Navy and Tom was soon to join . Don was in the Army . And Vietnam was very real . It was the days of Peter , Paul and Mary , the days of love - ins , the days of the flower children , the days of pot . Rebellion and cynicism was everywhere , and my own heart was swept along a sea of discord and discontent . And then . . . . . the unthinkable happened . The " Hound of Heaven " wouldn 't leave me alone . Finally , on June 30 , 1967 , I let it all go and invited the Prince of Peace to reign in my heart and in my mind . Instant change . Discord turned to peace , discontent turned to joy , rather than feeling restricted and repressed , I felt freedom . Rather than feeling like no one loved me , I felt loved like never before . A teen aged phase ? I don 't think so . It has stayed with me for over 40 years - through the best of times and through the worst of times . And I will never forget Christmas 1967 . By now Don was in the trenches of Vietnam and there were reports every day of soldiers being killed . Would Don be the next one ? What was he doing this Christmas eve ? As we shared a good meal and later opened our gifts , I remember feeling such an overwhelming peace and joy , for now the ceremonies and traditions had meaning . I finally understood what we were really celebrating . I put on my new watch and tried to calculate what time it was in Vietnam - - it was already Christmas Day there . And I prayed the prayer yet again , " Lord , please bring him back to us soon , even if he has to have a small injury to do it . " I figured a small injury to bring him home would be better than getting killed any day ! ( Don , I take full responsibility for the bullet in your leg ! ) Somehow , I jPosted by We had a wonderful early Christmas with our middle daughter and her family on Sunday night . The ham dinner turned out nearly perfect , the kids were well behaved , the Christmas story was meaningful , the desserts were yummy and the family time was priceless . The first thing the kids said when they came was that it really wasn 't Christmas Eve . But it sure felt like it as the evening went along ! Now we are on our way to see youngest daughter , her husband and grandson Archie . Everything would be complete if only we could also see oldest daughter and her family ! Posted by Holidays aren 't turning out to be the best of times for my sister , Sylvia . When I went to North Dakota over Thanksgiving , she decides to get pneumonia so bad that she spends Thanksgiving in the hospital . She was soon back home , feeling much better , although weak . And here we are , the week of Christmas . And my always healthy sister is back in the hospital ! What 's the problem this time ? She has CHF , also known as congestive heart failure . It was so hard for her to breathe that she could barely move around the house . They 've taken a lot of water off her , so she is feeling better again . But I 've got lots of questions . Thankfully , she has an appointment in a couple weeks with a cardiologist in Grand Forks . I sure hope we get some answers . ( Karen - we 're counting on you being with her . . . ) Meanwhile , looks like she won 't be doing much for Christmas this year . Take care , Sis . We don 't want you in the hospital for Valentine 's Day ! I called Mom today and she gave me more information about the Santa visit . Actually , the first time Santa came only Dad and Mom knew about it and Dad was the Santa . They got the idea when Dad got some red flannel pajamas . Mom put cotton around the edges to make it look like Santa 's outfit . Then they found a Santa mask . The second year was the one I blogged about earlier - Mom was the Santa and we had the red flannel stockings . The third year my brother Tom acted as Santa , but by then everyone knew what to expect . It was all a lot of fun . So now the record is straight . . . . remembered better by my 93 year old mother than by me ! It was soon December once again . It was with apprehension that I approached Christmas Eve this time . It would be like none I had ever experienced . No overabundance of people , presents and food . I was also beginning to go through teen - age angst . Did anyone really love me ? What is Christmas all about , anyway ? I 'm sure of it - no one loves me . Christmas is meaningless . Church is meaningless . All is vanity . As the day progressed , I set the table . No kids tables this year ; we all fit around the dining room table just like every other day of the year . I wondered how my nieces and nephews were feeling , knowing they would be in their own small groups as well . After eating , we again gathered around the Christmas tree in the living room . I don 't remember if Dad moved from his place at the dining room table to the living room . There certainly was room for him this year . Everything went okay and we had a good family time . Two things made it special : ( 1 ) Bob and Jim were still little enough to provide the child excitement ; and ( 2 ) my big brother David was on leave from the Navy and was able to join us . David was my hero and I was so proud of him . Yes , Christmas this way turned out fine . Except that I felt a little empty and . . . . lonely . Little did I know at that time that the next Christmas would be very different . Oh , how I loved Christmas Eve with all the family gathered together . It was a time to look forward to all year . It was a time of magic . The glow lasted all during Christmas vacation . It was a tradition I thought would last forever . I will never forget the huge let - down feeling I got when I was told , " This is the last Christmas Eve that Vivian and Sylvia and their families will be coming over . " What crushing news ! It was time , I was told , for them to start creating their own Christmas traditions . And there were too many people . And it was hard to carry all the wrapped gifts over and the unwrapped home again . It was hard to be out late at night with all the little ones . I certainly understand that logic now , but back then . . . . it was all about me and my loss . All year I tried not to even think about what Christmas Eve would be like without all of us together . The months rolled by , and it was soon December once again . A present I will never forget - a present I still have . In the months leading up to this Christmas I was one very unhappy girl . Things weren 't going my way and there was no way I could change it . And every day there was a very clear reminder of the unfairness of life . You see , when I found out my mother was going to have baby # 10 , it made perfect sense to me that it would be a girl . That would make us 5 girls and 5 boys . And it would also give me a break from being around only boys all the time ( the other girls were all much older ) . Well , the baby turned out to be a boy . I was devastated . And , frankly , a little peeved . I guess I took it out on my mom a lot . I kept begging her to have another baby , and it better be a sister ! My friend , Judy , just got a baby sister and she already had a bunch of sister and no brothers . Not fair ! So here we are again , all of us gathered around the Christmas tree in the living room . I had a really big box with my name on it . I eagerly opened the package and there . . . . was this very big doll . I wasn 't sure what to think , as I had not received a doll for the last couple of years . But I soon got the message as I heard my mom say , " Here 's your new baby sister . " I don 't know if she said it or not , but the message I heard in my heart was , " I don 't want to hear any more about getting a baby sister . This is what you get and there aren 't going to be any more babies . " I named her Mary Ann . Not quite the same as a live sister , but Mary Ann became a good friend ; she has been with me for a very long time now . A year ago I took her to the doll doctor and got her a wig ( a lot of her hair had fallen out ) , got her eyelashes repaired , and gave her a good cleaning . I also bought her some new clothes . She now sits in my living room day after day . She looks pretty good for being close to 50 , doesn 't she ? By the way , the glasses she is wearing did not come with her . She is modeling my new glasses . P . S . There did come a day when I fell in love with my baby brother : - ) I was sure of it . . . . next Christmas would be better . Well , I 'm not exactly sure if it was the next year or not , but this is a story of the Christmas of the Big Surprise ! As usual , the tree was overflowing , the food was in abundance , and the family was large . In great anticipation all the children and most of the adults were gathering in the living room . Dad was at his usual place at the dining room table ; mother was at her usual place in the kitchen . Suddenly - a knock on the front entry door . Now what was that all about ? ? ? No one ever used the front door . And who dared interrupt us just as we were gathering around the tree ? ? ? Someone finally opened the door and we all heard a hearty " HO ! HO ! HO ! " And there appeared a real live Santa with a sack over his shoulder ! What a surprise . Several of the younger children ran and hid , with their little heads peaking out from under chairs , around the corner , behind their mother . I was really mystified , as I was old enough to know that there was not a real Santa . But who could this be ? Santa , with help from my sisters , reached into his sack and pulled out a large red stocking for each child . I cannot remember what was in the stockings , but I can still see them . They each had a name done in glitter , with cotton at the top . After all the stockings were distributed , Santa wished us all a merry Christmas , and departed back into the night . It wasn 't until much later that I found out who Santa was - - my Mother ! She sure did a good job - I didn 't even recognize her voice . Mom , Dad and my sisters planned this for weeks , making a Santa outfit out of red flannel pajamas and each stocking made from red flannel . I don 't think any of us who were there that night will ever forget when Santa showed up for Christmas eve ! It reminds me of a present I will never forget - a present I still have . Flight - one hour late . Drive - 125 milesWeather - freezing drizzle , about 15 degreesDestination - Storm Lake , IowaTime - 3 1 / 2 hoursDistraction - ICED UP WINDSHIELDI tried everything , but could not keep the ice off the windshield . Hours of highest temp , full - blast , on the windshield . That makes for a very hot car and a very hot face . I finally discovered that if I kept the back windows cracked open , at least the back of my head was cool and it was bearable for a few miles . Had to stop many times just to thaw out . And I learned to be content looking through only the bottom third of the windshield . ( I 'm going to have a very stiff neck tomorrow ! ) I had to come to a complete stop about 10 times just to rest my neck and de - ice . As I drove through some of the small towns I could see people in their nice , warm houses . I thought , " I sure hope the adults are happy and the children aren 't cranky . Because they are very blessed to be where they are ! " This trip reminded me of the time , a few years ago , when I drove from Denver to Scottsbluff , NE , in freezing rain . Same story as tonight . I finally got to my one - hour meeting with the three doctors . Except that two of them didn 't show up . And the one who did , had already seen my presentation . That was a very stupid trip to take . Tonight 's trip is much more important . Ouch - neck already hurts . And I bet that tomorrow morning my car will be covered in ice ! Tonight I am giving this knife sharpener to my brother , Bob . From my earliest memory , this knife sharpener was in the utensils draw in the kitchen of our farm home . Periodically , Dad would take it out of the drawer and vigorously sharpen all the knives in the kitchen . He made sure each was razor sharp . When we were cleaning out Mom 's apartment and deciding who would like to have what , I asked mom about this item . Long , long ago mom and dad had someone come to the farm to do some work for them . I can 't remember exactly what they did . But they had a sharpening stone that was operated with pedals to whir it around . They also had this sharpening stick . Long after the job was complete , one of the older boys found this stick laying in the grass . It was left by the workers . My brother brought it to the house and it was used from that day until we cleaned out the apartment . I hope Bob continues to use it to keep his knives sharp . And every time he does , I hope he remembers the dad he lost when he was only 13 years old . Last night we drove 35 miles in an hour and a half ( very slow ) to go to Amber 's ( 10 - year - old granddaughter ) Christmas concert . It is amazing what someone can do with a bunch of 3rd - 5th graders . It was really good ! After the concert we went to Amy 's house for pizza . I spent some time with Amber in her room , just talking . She revealed that she didn 't like being in the choir and would probably drop out next year . And she didn 't much like Girl Scouts anymore and would probably drop out next year . Trying to find her interest , I asked , " If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do , and you didn 't have to worry about time or money , what would you want to do ? " Her face turned into a big smile , her eyes sparkled , and I just knew we had finally found her passion , her interest . " Go shopping ! " she said . Christmas was . . . . . almost normal . It was sometime during the day Dec . 23 that I began feeling a little " off " . Surely , all would be well by morning . Not to be . Throughout the day , I felt more and more rotten . Lying on the sofa by the Christmas tree , I tried to capture the special feelings that came every Christmas eve . But bed felt best . Too sick to help set the tables , my fever continued to climb . . The house began to fill up with people , food , and noise . I tried to join , but ended up lying on Mom and Dad 's bed in the dark downstairs bedroom . Unable to participate , I could hear the sounds , smell the food and picture the scene . It was so lonely . I was offered food , everything from dessert to crackers . Nothing was appealing . When it came time for the presents , I moved to a chair and managed to open my gifts . I took them upstairs to the room that wasn 't as clean or organized this year . As I laid the gifts on my desk , I looked at my bed and immediately crawled in . Sometime during the evening someone took my temperature and I heard something about how high it was . I heard that dad was worried and said that if I wasn 't better in the morning we would have to find a doctor . I was too sick to care and fell into a deep sleep . I never went to the doctor ; my fever broke before morning . I had all Christmas vacation to recuperate , but always felt a little cheated out of a special Christmas Eve celebration . I was sure of it . . . . next year would be better . Yesterday I attended Mom 's quarterly care conference via phone . Overall , it was good . Her skin tears are healing , her pulse is staying stable at 50 - 60 , her weight is stable , her labs are mostly within normal ranges , her lungs are clear ( though I don 't trust their lung assessments ) , and she is doing some walking during physical therapy ( 5 - 15 feet times two ) . The bad news is that her legs are swelling again . She was very aware of what was going on and took part in the conversation and continues to make her own decisions . We are trying to identify high protein foods she will eat so she can get a little better nutrition . I have to admit she is the fussiest eater I have ever known ! Worse than any of my kids ever were . Keep those emails going to her . It is almost becoming legendary how many emails she gets and how much she enjoys them . The activities director said she gets more emails than anyone else ! The pain was much closer than I could ever have imagined . In the midst of all the activity and noise I heard someone say , " It sounds like someone is knocking on the door . " No one saw any car lights , no one saw a car in the yard . There it was again . How strange to have an unexpected visitor on Christmas eve . I got to the kitchen in time to see mom and dad talking , then dad disappeared into the entry and closed the door . Soon he came back into the kitchen with Mrs . L . , our neighbor from about a mile and a half away . She sat on the kitchen stool , warming up , while dad started the car , then they both went off into the cold night . I caught bits and pieces of the story . Mrs . L . had walked from her place to our place , in the dark , in the cold , through the snow , by herself , on Christmas eve . Why ? Because . . . . . her husband was drunk , had a gun , and was threatening to kill her . Dad took her home ; staying long enough to be certain she was safe . To this day I 'm not sure how he did it . But to me , it was incomprehensible that a man would be less than loving and respectful to his wife ; especially on Christmas eve , the most wonderful time of the year . That evening , a crack appeared in the protective shell in which I lived . Little did I know that over the years that shell would have many cracks and some day completely crumble . I would be left standing alone , vulnerable , assaulted by the ugliness of life . That would be later . Now it was time to return to the festivities . Children were playing with their tractors and trucks , their dolls and books ; teenagers were working puzzles and playing pick - up - sticks ; the men were talking farming ; diapers were being changed ; hands of all sizes were reaching for another cookie , a piece of fudge , a chocolate bon bon . Once again Christmas was . . . . almost normal . I could see the car lights as the first guests began to arrive . Soon sister Sylvia and family were piling out of the car , bearing arms full of gifts and food . The house was suddenly filled with activity and little children . A little later , the next car arrived , carrying sister Vivian and her family . They , too , burst into the house with gifts and food , and more little children . It wasn 't long before we were all sitting at the tables enjoying a delicious meal , all the children brimming with excitement over the activities to come ; always impatient that the adults did not seem to be in any hurry . Children were then sent to the basement while everything was cleaned up . No dishwasher in those days - except human ones . I remember going through several dishtowels , as they would get too wet to dry any more dishes . Finally - everyone gathered around the Christmas tree . Picture , if you can , a tree in a rather small living room . . . . presents spreading out far beyond the branches , with many children of all ages and sizes gathered around . I will forever remember seeing my dad sitting at the dining room table , cracking and eating nuts , and visiting with ( I think ) my brothers - in - law . He sat in the same spot every year where he could watch what was going on , but yet be removed enough to have a little space around him . Some gifts I remember getting during those years : Nancy Drew books , Trixie Beldon books , paint - by - number kits , always a sweater , games , puzzles , jacks , a wrist watch . Finally all the gifts were unwrapped , everyone was sharing , looking , basking in the glow . Then . . . . my sisters and mother would open the door to the front entry and bring out unending goodies to enjoy for the rest of the evening - fatimund , rosettes , cookies , bars , candies ; all beautiful , all homemade , all delicious . At those moments I thought every home , every family , enjoyed Christmas eve the way we did . I was soon to find out that while we had joy , others had pain . And the pain was much closer than I could ever have imagined . The day of Christmas Eve . Ahhh , what a long , lovely day it was . It was the slowest day of the year . Christmas eve was the biggest celebration ever and it took forever for nighttime to come . First thing on the agenda was cleaning my room . Before the day was over , I would be bringing new things , my presents , into that room . Everything had to be spotless and orderly ; every pencil laid straight , the bed made perfectly , the dolls in their rightful place , my drawers organized and even the hangers in my closet had to be perfectly spaced ( blame my dad ; you should have seen how organized his tools were ) . Then there was time spent lying on the sofa , looking at the beautiful tree , and waiting . As soon as the boys brought the tabletop up from the basement ( to lay over our dining table to make it much bigger ) , we could begin setting the table . Oh , so many table settings , and done with such care . After the big table I set the " kid 's tables " . I began to smell the food . The excitement within was so hard to contain ! But I was a big girl now , and had to act like it . The boys went to the barn to do the chores a little early . Then . . . . . . I could see the car lights as the first guests began to arrive . What a fun day ! On Saturday I made lots and lots of cut - out sugar cookies . Today the 6 , 7 , and 10 year old grandkids decorated them . We had many colors of frosting , sprinkles , M & M 's , tubes of gel for detail and three creative kids . Julia counted them to be certain everyone had the same - 37 cookies each . The aprons were full of frosting , the tabletop was full of frosting , and the floor was full of colored sugar . But it 's hardwood , so it was easy to clean up . While they were decorating Amy and I made an assortment of other goodies . It was a good day . But , oh , how I missed my other girls and their kids . Will we ever again be able to share days like this as a complete family ? Why do they have to live so far away ? ? ? ? Two very long , tension - packed , tough - decisions , emotionally and mentally draining days sandwiched between two very long days of travel . Travel that includes hours of driving , hours of flying , hours in airports . This week left me drained , fatigued - mentally and physically . But at the same time I am feeling excited and jazzed in my spirit . I find it incredibly exciting and fulfilling to investigate , find solutions , motivate for change , build relationships and truly make a difference . Oh , the job is far from over . But this week , one of my clinics turned the corner and is poised for a much better 2010 ! And tomorrow I won 't be quite as tired . Gabby is a beautiful cat . She is gold and white with lots of soft , fluffy hair . I 've always been a cat person , but due to their hair and the yucky litter box stuff , we decided to not have any more cats once the kids all left home . Besides , the poor thing would spend way too much time all alone . But last weekend I stayed in a house with Gabby . It didn 't start out very well . As I was running out the door to go see Mom , Gabby snuck through the door and into the cold garage . Gabby , of course , was in no hurry to be caught . She went behind a cupboard sitting in the middle of the garage . She peaked around the left corner and I started reaching for her . She quickly turns to go the other way so I run to the right - and there she is peaking around the corner on the right . Then to the left , then the right . I was getting a little frustrated because I was in a hurry . It crossed my mind to just let her spend Thanksgiving Day all alone in the cold garage , but I didn 't think Jeri would be very happy with that ! So I get more aggressive and Gabby runs behind some other stuff in the garage . As I head to the door to put down my stuff so I can get down and dirty , she comes out and stands in front of me . Ahhh . I grab her quickly and hold her away so I don 't get fur all over . That little imp was purring like a motor and I could see by her eyes that she was laughing . Well , by Friday night she won me over . We cuddled together on the sofa , she licked my hand and purred on my tummy . And she left lots of hair on my clothes . I felt myself falling in love again . Don 't know if I will ever see her again , but it was good while it lasted . I 'm an empty - nester who is thoroughly enjoying this stage of life - so much to do , so little time . I 'm still living with the man I married in 1971 . We raised three daughters who all [ miraculously ] turned out okay . And they have blessed us with three granddaughters and three grandsons . |
One of my favorite meals is a fried , broken - yolk egg on toast . It is quick , easy , cheap , nutritious , and I almost always have the ingredients . Today as I was frying my egg and toasting my toast , I remembered some eggs of my youth . Most of the time our meals were very consistent : meat , potatoes , vegetable , bread and dessert . But occasionally , probably on a weekend , we would sit down to the table and mom would bring in a big platter . . . a very big platter . . . of eggs . I can see it now . It would start with the person sitting in the NE corner and go all the way around the table , with everyone sliding off a few eggs . Everyone , that is , except me . All those eggs had soft yolks , and I have never been able to stand soft - yolked eggs . I wonder how many eggs mom fried for a meal . She used the lefse plate and I 'm sure she covered it more than once . Funny , I can 't remember what we had to eat with the eggs . I just picture that big platter of soft - yolked eggs going around the table , stopping at each place , and depositing some eggs onto the plates . I wonder . . . what did I eat ? I 'm sure it wasn 't eggs . As some of you know , a hobby of mine is to collect teacups and saucers . But not just any teacup and saucer . I only want ones from different countries . My goal is to have twelve cups and saucers made in twelve different countries . Right now I have Russia , Germany , England , Poland , Greece and the USA . I am halfway there ! When Amber and her Dad went to South Africa in November , my only wish was that they would bring me back a teacup and saucer made in South Africa . They returned just before Thanksgiving . When they came over to celebrate the holiday , I was trying to control my excitement , expecting my teacup and saucer ! But , alas ! No such thing . Instead there were the stories of how they looked here and they looked there , and they tried to buy one from a coffee shop ( they were in use ) , and they went to malls and stores and could not find any teacup and saucer that was made in South Africa . " They aren 't much into making those in South Africa , " said Nik . I was starting to feel guilty for even wanting it ; they worked so hard to find it for me . I was afraid their entire trip was ruined because of my teacup and saucer obsession . But , no problem , everything is okay . Then came Christmas . I opened my gift from their family . . . . a massage ! Hey , that 's cool . I love massages , though I 've only had one in my life . One more gift - - you guessed it . A teacup and saucer made in South Africa ! ! I was overjoyed . But didn 't they tell me they could not find one ? Now the full story comes out . They were correct in saying all the things they did ; couldn 't find it in the malls or stores . What they didn 't say was that at the airport , as they were leaving South Africa , they found this teacup and saucer . Whew ! Thanks , Nik and Amber . I love it and have used it many times already ! Today we drove hundreds of miles across the prairies of Wisconsin , Minnesota and Iowa . It was as we were going through Iowa that I tuned into the beauty around me . Many of my sophisticated urbanite friends ( and probably some relatives ) find a trip like this boring and . . . . . well , very boring . " Nothing to look at , " they say , " It 's just too barren . " Let me tell you what I saw today . I saw thousands of acres of rich farmland hidden beneath a thick blanket of snow . Snow that will melt and water the earth . Water the earth that will produce food to feed us all . Or produce grasses and grains to feed the animals that will feed us all . Dotted along the highway I saw roads leading up to cozy homes . Homes with houses , barns , sheds , garages , large yards , and acres to call their own . Homes that brought back memories of the days when I lived in a place like that . I saw trees barren of leaves , but clothed in a thin layer of ice that glittered in the sunlight , as if they were made of glass . As we drove by I noticed one of the glass trees had a lone bird perched on a glass branch . I saw trees that were coated in frost , each branch and twig pure white . For several miles , along the roadside , I saw snowdrifts that looked like the wave of the ocean coming to shore . Boring and barren ? Not so much . We just need to open our eyes and understand the cycles of nature that gives us all life . And where else can you stretch your soul from horizon to horizon , with nothing to obstruct the view or to restrict the feeling of freedom ? 1969 - my last Christmas living in my parent 's home . This seems like a good ending to my series of Christmas memories . And what a memory Christmas 1969 was ! I was almost 18 , a senior in high school . After months of begging , pleading , cajoling , I got my biggest wish - I was going to fly to California to spend Christmas with my sister Evie and her family . This was a very big deal . I had never been on an airplane . I had never been to California . I had never taken a trip by myself . But I was full of confidence and had no fear of the unknown . My world was about to expand exponentially . Some of my favorite memories of this trip : Changing planes in Minneapolis , having to go to the bathroom and discovering you had to pay . ( I did not pay because I caught the door when someone else was leaving . ) Seeing Evie and Bill at the airport in Los Angeles as I came off the Jetway . Little Annette and Billy ; they were so adorable and loving to their Aunt AudreyPalm treesWarm weatherSpaghetti on Christmas EveOpening gifts on Christmas morning ( can you believe it ? ? ) DisneylandSubs and Suds ( never heard of it before ) Montovani musicCheetosCute guysLong talks with EvieTraffic , traffic , trafficPacific oceanChristmas dinner in the garage . . . with doors open . . . in DecemberWhat a long way life had brought me . I went from cozy , familiar and safe Christmases to a whole new and different world ; strange environment , different customs and traditions , strangers . Over the years since leaving home , Christmas has been so many different scenarios . As good or not - so - good as any of them were , every December 24 my mind and heart takes a short trip back to the little living room overflowing with presents under the tree , the tables laden with food , and my large family gathered together . And I thank God for how blessed I was in my formative years . Come on , ring those bells ! Light the Christmas tree ! Jesus is the King . . . . born for you and me . Come on , ring those bells ! Everybody say , " Jesus , we remember this , your birthday . " Little did I know that the next Christmas would be very different . . . in a good way . You wouldn 't think so the way 1967 started . The first months of the year I was one very miserable teenager ; extremely disillusioned , feeling like my life was restrictive and repressive . I was questioning everything . And we were at war . In fact , I had three brothers connected to the military . . . . David was in the Navy and Tom was soon to join . Don was in the Army . And Vietnam was very real . It was the days of Peter , Paul and Mary , the days of love - ins , the days of the flower children , the days of pot . Rebellion and cynicism was everywhere , and my own heart was swept along a sea of discord and discontent . And then . . . . . the unthinkable happened . The " Hound of Heaven " wouldn 't leave me alone . Finally , on June 30 , 1967 , I let it all go and invited the Prince of Peace to reign in my heart and in my mind . Instant change . Discord turned to peace , discontent turned to joy , rather than feeling restricted and repressed , I felt freedom . Rather than feeling like no one loved me , I felt loved like never before . A teen aged phase ? I don 't think so . It has stayed with me for over 40 years - through the best of times and through the worst of times . And I will never forget Christmas 1967 . By now Don was in the trenches of Vietnam and there were reports every day of soldiers being killed . Would Don be the next one ? What was he doing this Christmas eve ? As we shared a good meal and later opened our gifts , I remember feeling such an overwhelming peace and joy , for now the ceremonies and traditions had meaning . I finally understood what we were really celebrating . I put on my new watch and tried to calculate what time it was in Vietnam - - it was already Christmas Day there . And I prayed the prayer yet again , " Lord , please bring him back to us soon , even if he has to have a small injury to do it . " I figured a small injury to bring him home would be better than getting killed any day ! ( Don , I take full responsibility for the bullet in your leg ! ) Somehow , I jPosted by We had a wonderful early Christmas with our middle daughter and her family on Sunday night . The ham dinner turned out nearly perfect , the kids were well behaved , the Christmas story was meaningful , the desserts were yummy and the family time was priceless . The first thing the kids said when they came was that it really wasn 't Christmas Eve . But it sure felt like it as the evening went along ! Now we are on our way to see youngest daughter , her husband and grandson Archie . Everything would be complete if only we could also see oldest daughter and her family ! Posted by Holidays aren 't turning out to be the best of times for my sister , Sylvia . When I went to North Dakota over Thanksgiving , she decides to get pneumonia so bad that she spends Thanksgiving in the hospital . She was soon back home , feeling much better , although weak . And here we are , the week of Christmas . And my always healthy sister is back in the hospital ! What 's the problem this time ? She has CHF , also known as congestive heart failure . It was so hard for her to breathe that she could barely move around the house . They 've taken a lot of water off her , so she is feeling better again . But I 've got lots of questions . Thankfully , she has an appointment in a couple weeks with a cardiologist in Grand Forks . I sure hope we get some answers . ( Karen - we 're counting on you being with her . . . ) Meanwhile , looks like she won 't be doing much for Christmas this year . Take care , Sis . We don 't want you in the hospital for Valentine 's Day ! I called Mom today and she gave me more information about the Santa visit . Actually , the first time Santa came only Dad and Mom knew about it and Dad was the Santa . They got the idea when Dad got some red flannel pajamas . Mom put cotton around the edges to make it look like Santa 's outfit . Then they found a Santa mask . The second year was the one I blogged about earlier - Mom was the Santa and we had the red flannel stockings . The third year my brother Tom acted as Santa , but by then everyone knew what to expect . It was all a lot of fun . So now the record is straight . . . . remembered better by my 93 year old mother than by me ! It was soon December once again . It was with apprehension that I approached Christmas Eve this time . It would be like none I had ever experienced . No overabundance of people , presents and food . I was also beginning to go through teen - age angst . Did anyone really love me ? What is Christmas all about , anyway ? I 'm sure of it - no one loves me . Christmas is meaningless . Church is meaningless . All is vanity . As the day progressed , I set the table . No kids tables this year ; we all fit around the dining room table just like every other day of the year . I wondered how my nieces and nephews were feeling , knowing they would be in their own small groups as well . After eating , we again gathered around the Christmas tree in the living room . I don 't remember if Dad moved from his place at the dining room table to the living room . There certainly was room for him this year . Everything went okay and we had a good family time . Two things made it special : ( 1 ) Bob and Jim were still little enough to provide the child excitement ; and ( 2 ) my big brother David was on leave from the Navy and was able to join us . David was my hero and I was so proud of him . Yes , Christmas this way turned out fine . Except that I felt a little empty and . . . . lonely . Little did I know at that time that the next Christmas would be very different . Oh , how I loved Christmas Eve with all the family gathered together . It was a time to look forward to all year . It was a time of magic . The glow lasted all during Christmas vacation . It was a tradition I thought would last forever . I will never forget the huge let - down feeling I got when I was told , " This is the last Christmas Eve that Vivian and Sylvia and their families will be coming over . " What crushing news ! It was time , I was told , for them to start creating their own Christmas traditions . And there were too many people . And it was hard to carry all the wrapped gifts over and the unwrapped home again . It was hard to be out late at night with all the little ones . I certainly understand that logic now , but back then . . . . it was all about me and my loss . All year I tried not to even think about what Christmas Eve would be like without all of us together . The months rolled by , and it was soon December once again . A present I will never forget - a present I still have . In the months leading up to this Christmas I was one very unhappy girl . Things weren 't going my way and there was no way I could change it . And every day there was a very clear reminder of the unfairness of life . You see , when I found out my mother was going to have baby # 10 , it made perfect sense to me that it would be a girl . That would make us 5 girls and 5 boys . And it would also give me a break from being around only boys all the time ( the other girls were all much older ) . Well , the baby turned out to be a boy . I was devastated . And , frankly , a little peeved . I guess I took it out on my mom a lot . I kept begging her to have another baby , and it better be a sister ! My friend , Judy , just got a baby sister and she already had a bunch of sister and no brothers . Not fair ! So here we are again , all of us gathered around the Christmas tree in the living room . I had a really big box with my name on it . I eagerly opened the package and there . . . . was this very big doll . I wasn 't sure what to think , as I had not received a doll for the last couple of years . But I soon got the message as I heard my mom say , " Here 's your new baby sister . " I don 't know if she said it or not , but the message I heard in my heart was , " I don 't want to hear any more about getting a baby sister . This is what you get and there aren 't going to be any more babies . " I named her Mary Ann . Not quite the same as a live sister , but Mary Ann became a good friend ; she has been with me for a very long time now . A year ago I took her to the doll doctor and got her a wig ( a lot of her hair had fallen out ) , got her eyelashes repaired , and gave her a good cleaning . I also bought her some new clothes . She now sits in my living room day after day . She looks pretty good for being close to 50 , doesn 't she ? By the way , the glasses she is wearing did not come with her . She is modeling my new glasses . P . S . There did come a day when I fell in love with my baby brother : - ) I was sure of it . . . . next Christmas would be better . Well , I 'm not exactly sure if it was the next year or not , but this is a story of the Christmas of the Big Surprise ! As usual , the tree was overflowing , the food was in abundance , and the family was large . In great anticipation all the children and most of the adults were gathering in the living room . Dad was at his usual place at the dining room table ; mother was at her usual place in the kitchen . Suddenly - a knock on the front entry door . Now what was that all about ? ? ? No one ever used the front door . And who dared interrupt us just as we were gathering around the tree ? ? ? Someone finally opened the door and we all heard a hearty " HO ! HO ! HO ! " And there appeared a real live Santa with a sack over his shoulder ! What a surprise . Several of the younger children ran and hid , with their little heads peaking out from under chairs , around the corner , behind their mother . I was really mystified , as I was old enough to know that there was not a real Santa . But who could this be ? Santa , with help from my sisters , reached into his sack and pulled out a large red stocking for each child . I cannot remember what was in the stockings , but I can still see them . They each had a name done in glitter , with cotton at the top . After all the stockings were distributed , Santa wished us all a merry Christmas , and departed back into the night . It wasn 't until much later that I found out who Santa was - - my Mother ! She sure did a good job - I didn 't even recognize her voice . Mom , Dad and my sisters planned this for weeks , making a Santa outfit out of red flannel pajamas and each stocking made from red flannel . I don 't think any of us who were there that night will ever forget when Santa showed up for Christmas eve ! It reminds me of a present I will never forget - a present I still have . Flight - one hour late . Drive - 125 milesWeather - freezing drizzle , about 15 degreesDestination - Storm Lake , IowaTime - 3 1 / 2 hoursDistraction - ICED UP WINDSHIELDI tried everything , but could not keep the ice off the windshield . Hours of highest temp , full - blast , on the windshield . That makes for a very hot car and a very hot face . I finally discovered that if I kept the back windows cracked open , at least the back of my head was cool and it was bearable for a few miles . Had to stop many times just to thaw out . And I learned to be content looking through only the bottom third of the windshield . ( I 'm going to have a very stiff neck tomorrow ! ) I had to come to a complete stop about 10 times just to rest my neck and de - ice . As I drove through some of the small towns I could see people in their nice , warm houses . I thought , " I sure hope the adults are happy and the children aren 't cranky . Because they are very blessed to be where they are ! " This trip reminded me of the time , a few years ago , when I drove from Denver to Scottsbluff , NE , in freezing rain . Same story as tonight . I finally got to my one - hour meeting with the three doctors . Except that two of them didn 't show up . And the one who did , had already seen my presentation . That was a very stupid trip to take . Tonight 's trip is much more important . Ouch - neck already hurts . And I bet that tomorrow morning my car will be covered in ice ! Tonight I am giving this knife sharpener to my brother , Bob . From my earliest memory , this knife sharpener was in the utensils draw in the kitchen of our farm home . Periodically , Dad would take it out of the drawer and vigorously sharpen all the knives in the kitchen . He made sure each was razor sharp . When we were cleaning out Mom 's apartment and deciding who would like to have what , I asked mom about this item . Long , long ago mom and dad had someone come to the farm to do some work for them . I can 't remember exactly what they did . But they had a sharpening stone that was operated with pedals to whir it around . They also had this sharpening stick . Long after the job was complete , one of the older boys found this stick laying in the grass . It was left by the workers . My brother brought it to the house and it was used from that day until we cleaned out the apartment . I hope Bob continues to use it to keep his knives sharp . And every time he does , I hope he remembers the dad he lost when he was only 13 years old . Last night we drove 35 miles in an hour and a half ( very slow ) to go to Amber 's ( 10 - year - old granddaughter ) Christmas concert . It is amazing what someone can do with a bunch of 3rd - 5th graders . It was really good ! After the concert we went to Amy 's house for pizza . I spent some time with Amber in her room , just talking . She revealed that she didn 't like being in the choir and would probably drop out next year . And she didn 't much like Girl Scouts anymore and would probably drop out next year . Trying to find her interest , I asked , " If you could do anything in the world that you wanted to do , and you didn 't have to worry about time or money , what would you want to do ? " Her face turned into a big smile , her eyes sparkled , and I just knew we had finally found her passion , her interest . " Go shopping ! " she said . Christmas was . . . . . almost normal . It was sometime during the day Dec . 23 that I began feeling a little " off " . Surely , all would be well by morning . Not to be . Throughout the day , I felt more and more rotten . Lying on the sofa by the Christmas tree , I tried to capture the special feelings that came every Christmas eve . But bed felt best . Too sick to help set the tables , my fever continued to climb . . The house began to fill up with people , food , and noise . I tried to join , but ended up lying on Mom and Dad 's bed in the dark downstairs bedroom . Unable to participate , I could hear the sounds , smell the food and picture the scene . It was so lonely . I was offered food , everything from dessert to crackers . Nothing was appealing . When it came time for the presents , I moved to a chair and managed to open my gifts . I took them upstairs to the room that wasn 't as clean or organized this year . As I laid the gifts on my desk , I looked at my bed and immediately crawled in . Sometime during the evening someone took my temperature and I heard something about how high it was . I heard that dad was worried and said that if I wasn 't better in the morning we would have to find a doctor . I was too sick to care and fell into a deep sleep . I never went to the doctor ; my fever broke before morning . I had all Christmas vacation to recuperate , but always felt a little cheated out of a special Christmas Eve celebration . I was sure of it . . . . next year would be better . Yesterday I attended Mom 's quarterly care conference via phone . Overall , it was good . Her skin tears are healing , her pulse is staying stable at 50 - 60 , her weight is stable , her labs are mostly within normal ranges , her lungs are clear ( though I don 't trust their lung assessments ) , and she is doing some walking during physical therapy ( 5 - 15 feet times two ) . The bad news is that her legs are swelling again . She was very aware of what was going on and took part in the conversation and continues to make her own decisions . We are trying to identify high protein foods she will eat so she can get a little better nutrition . I have to admit she is the fussiest eater I have ever known ! Worse than any of my kids ever were . Keep those emails going to her . It is almost becoming legendary how many emails she gets and how much she enjoys them . The activities director said she gets more emails than anyone else ! The pain was much closer than I could ever have imagined . In the midst of all the activity and noise I heard someone say , " It sounds like someone is knocking on the door . " No one saw any car lights , no one saw a car in the yard . There it was again . How strange to have an unexpected visitor on Christmas eve . I got to the kitchen in time to see mom and dad talking , then dad disappeared into the entry and closed the door . Soon he came back into the kitchen with Mrs . L . , our neighbor from about a mile and a half away . She sat on the kitchen stool , warming up , while dad started the car , then they both went off into the cold night . I caught bits and pieces of the story . Mrs . L . had walked from her place to our place , in the dark , in the cold , through the snow , by herself , on Christmas eve . Why ? Because . . . . . her husband was drunk , had a gun , and was threatening to kill her . Dad took her home ; staying long enough to be certain she was safe . To this day I 'm not sure how he did it . But to me , it was incomprehensible that a man would be less than loving and respectful to his wife ; especially on Christmas eve , the most wonderful time of the year . That evening , a crack appeared in the protective shell in which I lived . Little did I know that over the years that shell would have many cracks and some day completely crumble . I would be left standing alone , vulnerable , assaulted by the ugliness of life . That would be later . Now it was time to return to the festivities . Children were playing with their tractors and trucks , their dolls and books ; teenagers were working puzzles and playing pick - up - sticks ; the men were talking farming ; diapers were being changed ; hands of all sizes were reaching for another cookie , a piece of fudge , a chocolate bon bon . Once again Christmas was . . . . almost normal . I could see the car lights as the first guests began to arrive . Soon sister Sylvia and family were piling out of the car , bearing arms full of gifts and food . The house was suddenly filled with activity and little children . A little later , the next car arrived , carrying sister Vivian and her family . They , too , burst into the house with gifts and food , and more little children . It wasn 't long before we were all sitting at the tables enjoying a delicious meal , all the children brimming with excitement over the activities to come ; always impatient that the adults did not seem to be in any hurry . Children were then sent to the basement while everything was cleaned up . No dishwasher in those days - except human ones . I remember going through several dishtowels , as they would get too wet to dry any more dishes . Finally - everyone gathered around the Christmas tree . Picture , if you can , a tree in a rather small living room . . . . presents spreading out far beyond the branches , with many children of all ages and sizes gathered around . I will forever remember seeing my dad sitting at the dining room table , cracking and eating nuts , and visiting with ( I think ) my brothers - in - law . He sat in the same spot every year where he could watch what was going on , but yet be removed enough to have a little space around him . Some gifts I remember getting during those years : Nancy Drew books , Trixie Beldon books , paint - by - number kits , always a sweater , games , puzzles , jacks , a wrist watch . Finally all the gifts were unwrapped , everyone was sharing , looking , basking in the glow . Then . . . . my sisters and mother would open the door to the front entry and bring out unending goodies to enjoy for the rest of the evening - fatimund , rosettes , cookies , bars , candies ; all beautiful , all homemade , all delicious . At those moments I thought every home , every family , enjoyed Christmas eve the way we did . I was soon to find out that while we had joy , others had pain . And the pain was much closer than I could ever have imagined . The day of Christmas Eve . Ahhh , what a long , lovely day it was . It was the slowest day of the year . Christmas eve was the biggest celebration ever and it took forever for nighttime to come . First thing on the agenda was cleaning my room . Before the day was over , I would be bringing new things , my presents , into that room . Everything had to be spotless and orderly ; every pencil laid straight , the bed made perfectly , the dolls in their rightful place , my drawers organized and even the hangers in my closet had to be perfectly spaced ( blame my dad ; you should have seen how organized his tools were ) . Then there was time spent lying on the sofa , looking at the beautiful tree , and waiting . As soon as the boys brought the tabletop up from the basement ( to lay over our dining table to make it much bigger ) , we could begin setting the table . Oh , so many table settings , and done with such care . After the big table I set the " kid 's tables " . I began to smell the food . The excitement within was so hard to contain ! But I was a big girl now , and had to act like it . The boys went to the barn to do the chores a little early . Then . . . . . . I could see the car lights as the first guests began to arrive . What a fun day ! On Saturday I made lots and lots of cut - out sugar cookies . Today the 6 , 7 , and 10 year old grandkids decorated them . We had many colors of frosting , sprinkles , M & M 's , tubes of gel for detail and three creative kids . Julia counted them to be certain everyone had the same - 37 cookies each . The aprons were full of frosting , the tabletop was full of frosting , and the floor was full of colored sugar . But it 's hardwood , so it was easy to clean up . While they were decorating Amy and I made an assortment of other goodies . It was a good day . But , oh , how I missed my other girls and their kids . Will we ever again be able to share days like this as a complete family ? Why do they have to live so far away ? ? ? ? Two very long , tension - packed , tough - decisions , emotionally and mentally draining days sandwiched between two very long days of travel . Travel that includes hours of driving , hours of flying , hours in airports . This week left me drained , fatigued - mentally and physically . But at the same time I am feeling excited and jazzed in my spirit . I find it incredibly exciting and fulfilling to investigate , find solutions , motivate for change , build relationships and truly make a difference . Oh , the job is far from over . But this week , one of my clinics turned the corner and is poised for a much better 2010 ! And tomorrow I won 't be quite as tired . Gabby is a beautiful cat . She is gold and white with lots of soft , fluffy hair . I 've always been a cat person , but due to their hair and the yucky litter box stuff , we decided to not have any more cats once the kids all left home . Besides , the poor thing would spend way too much time all alone . But last weekend I stayed in a house with Gabby . It didn 't start out very well . As I was running out the door to go see Mom , Gabby snuck through the door and into the cold garage . Gabby , of course , was in no hurry to be caught . She went behind a cupboard sitting in the middle of the garage . She peaked around the left corner and I started reaching for her . She quickly turns to go the other way so I run to the right - and there she is peaking around the corner on the right . Then to the left , then the right . I was getting a little frustrated because I was in a hurry . It crossed my mind to just let her spend Thanksgiving Day all alone in the cold garage , but I didn 't think Jeri would be very happy with that ! So I get more aggressive and Gabby runs behind some other stuff in the garage . As I head to the door to put down my stuff so I can get down and dirty , she comes out and stands in front of me . Ahhh . I grab her quickly and hold her away so I don 't get fur all over . That little imp was purring like a motor and I could see by her eyes that she was laughing . Well , by Friday night she won me over . We cuddled together on the sofa , she licked my hand and purred on my tummy . And she left lots of hair on my clothes . I felt myself falling in love again . Don 't know if I will ever see her again , but it was good while it lasted . I 'm an empty - nester who is thoroughly enjoying this stage of life - so much to do , so little time . I 'm still living with the man I married in 1971 . We raised three daughters who all [ miraculously ] turned out okay . And they have blessed us with three granddaughters and three grandsons . |
Jason and I got going early , as he had his formation , at 07 : 30 , and the very good positive news is that it was short , so we were able to leave before 08 : 30 . Both of us were hungry so we went over to The Broken Yoke and got breakfast . I guess I am going through a change of sorts , as I can 't eat like I used to . I ordered a normal breakfast , but was only able to eat about half of it . The rest came home for left overs , later tonight . From breakfast we returned to the base because I had an appointment , and didn 't want to miss it . Actually it was a make up appointment since the original appointment happened when I was sick a couple of weeks ago , and I didn 't want to miss it again . Funny thing is , Jason apparently had missed an appointment yesterday and the doctor who he would have seen saw him and said there was an open time slot right now . Bottom line is that both of us ended up with " make up " appointments , at about the same time . Once we left the base , again , we headed back to the house and Jason wanted to take a shower and do his daily dressing change . Once this was done we headed over Anthony Nettos for a bar - b - que of sorts . He wanted to try out some new recipes for marinade . The meat was done well and tasted pretty good , though I didn 't eat too much . There were other goodies there and I wanted to try some without getting too full . There were a few other folks there and it tuned out to be a nice little party , that lasted until about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) . We came back to the house and relaxed and I caught up on some of my email . Otherwise , other than a couple of phone calls , I didn 't do much . Dinner was easy , and tomorrow is Saturday . I plan on getting out for an early bike ride , and hope to go more than 15 miles . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Jason had a PT appointment today , and an appointment with Nurse Practitioner Grainie . Both of these were done by 10 : 30 , and even a quick visit over to building 26 , then we were on our way home . Actually , one of the first things I said to Jason ( besides , " Good Morning ! " ) was that I wanted to wash the van today , and was planning on taking it to the car wash , it desperately needed to be vacuumed ( dog hair everywhere ) . I removed the two car seats and was fully intending to go to the wash . However , on the way home it started to drizzle and the sky didn 't look particularly friendly , so I changed my mind . Then , again , it has been very dry to date , so maybe that was what I needed to do all along . My apologies to the state for not thinking of this sooner . . . ; - ) The rest of the day was relaxed , and a few personal things were taken care of . We did have the rest of Jason 's soup for dinner , and we 're doing our best to use the food in the house , without having to go to the store again . . . at least for now . We 'll be gone most of next week so we don 't want to have stuff just sitting around for a week . Anyway , tomorrow is another early formation and then I 'm not sure what the day will bring . I will , again , attempt to get the van cleaned , but that remains to be see . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Another day that started a little later in the day . Jason 's first appointment wasn 't until 09 : 00 , and no girls to get to school , so we didn 't have the crazy push to get going . After his PT appointment ( about an hour - and he is doing very well with range of motion ) we headed over to Best Buy to see if his computer was ready . He received a call from them and he wanted to get his unit back . As it turned out , the laptop wasn 't ready , though it was being worked on , and they said it should be ready shortly . I even asked , " should we just wander around the store until the unit is done ? " They said they didn 't know when it would be ready , so we went on home . Almost as soon as we walked in the door Jason 's phone rang and it was Best Buy . . . The laptop is ready for pickup . At that point we didn 't go get it . Jason wanted to take a shower and I wanted to change the sheets on his bed . That all taken care of , so I made lunch and we just kind of relaxed around the house . Joselyn came to the house a little while later and I went for a bike ride . I had already hit the treadmill while Jason was at his PT , but I wanted to get on the bike . I rode a nice 12 mile ride , and surprisingly the traffic wasn 't too bad . When I got back I took my shower and got dressed , and asked Jason if he wanted me to go pick up the laptop . He said , " Sure . " It was getting a little later in the day now , so I expected traffic to be bad , but it wasn 't too much , and I was back at the house in just a little over an hour . The laptop is working fine and I guess they did a good job of " cleaning " it up . Jason cooked dinner tonight , and he made a great vegetable - beef soup . I think I must have eaten too much because a short while after eating I was ready for a nap . The rest of the evening was spent relaxing and catching up on a few things , like email . In a matter of a few days we will be heading up to Hollywood to go to the 20th anniversary showing of Forest Gump , at Paramount Studios . We 'll be up there for a few days , so I really don 't know what to expect . I may not be able to keep up with the blog for some of those days , so please forgive any gaps , though I will do what I can . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had an appointment with PT ( Physical Therapy ) this morning , and then there was possible visit to Nurse Practitioner Joanne Grainie . As it turned out he did make the PT appointment , but then decided to see Joanne tomorrow . In the mean time I wanted to do some extra walking . Linda ( my wife ) and I both have the Fitbit now and she has been " running " circles around me . A couple of days ago she had a day where she did over 10 , 000 steps , so I wanted to do the same today . As a result of my extra focus and effort I am happy to say that I too , now have a 10 , 000 step day . Actually I went over 11 , 000 , but the award is for going over 10K . My guess is that she is going to do the same , and that way she 'll have two to my one . After leaving Balboa we went over to Best Buy , where Jason wanted them to work on his laptop . He has a service contract with them and the laptop has been running poorly . While he was talking to the guys there I walked the store - again to keep the focus on the steps . When we finished at Best Buy we went over to the grocery store where I wanted to get some lettuce . Once we got into the store Jason decided that he wanted to get a few things , too . Well , actually he probably made that decision before getting out of the van , he just hadn 't told me . He plans on making one of his tasty stews , and I look forward to it . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and not much else happened . I sat down to check my email and a short while later received an email , from Fitbit , stating I had received the 10K award . I was glad , because I really didn 't want to do a bunch more walking around . There is another for 15K , so perhaps I 'll attempt that , but on a day where I will be walking around , possibly while on vacation or something like that . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out pretty much as normal , with the weather bouncing back and forth from nice to looking like it was going to rain . We headed over to the hospital at Balboa and Jason 's formation . The formation was over and then he went on to his class . The class was over in about 30 minutes , so that didn 't take much time at all . That 's when things got a little different . We went to see Nurse Practitioner Grainie and Jason needed his shot ( he gets an injection every two weeks ) of testosterone . While waiting there she asked me if I wanted to learn how to give the shots and I replied that it was up to Jason . I was comfortable doing it , if he was comfortable with me being the one doing it . I went through a short instruction on the types of needles and how to draw the fluid and on how to inject . Then I did it , and everything went fine . Now I have another talent to add to my list of things I 've learned . It also helps us to be just a little more independent and not have to come in to get the shot . The rest of the day was spent going to a restaurant for lunch ( Hooters ) and eating the wrong stuff . They had a special on Boneless Buffalo Wings , all you can eat , so Jason and I both took advantage of that special . Even though the price was reasonable , and Jason received an additional discount for being military , it was a bad deal for me , and I think Jason , too . I still feel like I have a brick in my stomach and didn 't have anything for dinner , and Jason didn 't want any dinner either . This isn 't the first time we 've eaten there , and have had good experience in the past ; just this time it wasn 't so good . Note to self , don 't do that again . . . The rest of the evening has been basically about laying around the house and recovering from lunch . Tomorrow there are a couple of small appointments , and then I think we 're going over to see Anthony Netto . We haven 't touched base with him in a couple of weeks , and we try to stay in touch since he and Jason seem to have hit it off pretty well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report on , for today . We both got up a little later than usual , but actually , not too much later . I was down stairs by 07 : 30 and fixing Jason his breakfast - mine too . A little while after that I decided to go for a bike ride . I hadn 't been on one for a couple of weeks , and the weather was reasonable , though I sure wouldn 't mind if it rained . I 've even threatened to wash the van , to see if that would make it rain . I did wash the truck , and that didn 't do much . The ride was only 11 miles , and I could tell that I hadn 't ridden in a while . It still felt pretty good , and I was glad that I chose the route I did . If I 'd gone much farther I think I would have been exhausted when I got home . As it was , I was just very tired . . . ; - ) The rest of the day consisted of taking care of a couple of personal things ; washing a load of clothes and dishes ; and fixing the meals . Jason basically used the time to just sit back and relax . Tomorrow he will be heading off for his formation and I 'm not sure what I 'll be doing , so I plan on playing it by ear . Thanks , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Nice day today with the girls . We got up in a much needed relaxed manner and had a nice breakfast . Jason wasn 't pushing at all , about getting out the door to get to Gracie 's training , and as a result we did get out late . Actually , I was the one doing most of the pushing this morning , but the girls were still having fun and it all became a great big game for them . We left about 30 minutes later than we typically do , and then . . . we needed to stop to get some gas . We got to the training more than 1 / 2 hour late , but that 's okay , they still let Jason and Gracie come in . The girls and I headed over to the play area and immediately hit the swings . Funny thing is , this time they only spent about 15 minutes there and decided they want to do all the other things available , like the different climbing structures and slides . We were over by the climbing tree when Stacy decided that she wanted to go for a run , as there is a nice running pathway around the park . I went with them ( Jackie agreed to go , though I don 't think she really understood what Stacy wanted ) , and ended up carrying Jackie about 150 meters into the path . We might have gone as much as a 1 / 4 mile , but that kind of wore them out ( me too ) , and we were very close to where Jason was . It looked like they were done so we walked over . Jason was just wrapping things up and I carried the two girls back to the car , as it wasn 't too far away . By the time I had the girls back in their car seats Jason was ready to get in the van , also . We drove back to the house and the traffic wasn 't too bad , except for this one place where there was a walk way over the freeway . There were a bunch of folks up on the over crossing , with signs and stuff , so the traffic was slowed down , I guess because some folks wanted to read what was hanging there . It was irritating , as traffic really picked up right afterward . It only takes a couple of people to slow everyone else down , and then traffic gets totally jammed up . Fortunately , this only lasted for about a mile or so . We got home and I fixed lunch , and the girls then took a nap . After that , I took a short nap , at least I guess I did , because I closed my eyes and suddenly it was about an hour later . The rest of the day was easy , with the girls getting up and me fixing a simple spaghetti dinner . At about 19 : 15 ( 7 : 15pm ) they were picked up and will be flying to Boston , early in the morning . We won 't see them again until about February 15 , or something like that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning , much like other mornings with early formation . We went over to building 26 , and he went to the gathering of the troops . It was a quick formation , and right afterward I needed to head over to see one of the admin techs , to sign some documents . Jason also needed to go to another building ( 14 ) which happened to be in the opposite direction , so we went or two different ways . I did a bunch of walking , but I have to admit it was because I wanted to get some distance recorded on my Fitbit . I was tired of Linda always making me look bad . . . okay , maybe not " bad " just she was doing so much more . Anyway , I found out where the new case manager was located , though she wasn 't there - not back from a vacation or something - so we 'll have to connect next week . After this initial walking around I got back to the van and sat down for a few minutes and then Jason called . He was done with the training and was ready to be picked up . It was still relatively early ( I think about 09 : 15 ) , and we could get back to the house and grab some breakfast . However , Jason wanted to stop in and talk to a couple of the folks to find out why the supplies were no longer coming to the house . Both he and I thought it was a simple task and figured it wouldn 't take more than a few minutes . About two hours later we finally left the room we had been working in , and let the Navy take care of the clean up . For what ever reason , there seems to have been a break in communications somewhere , between the Navy and the insurance carrier . We could tell that the folks we were working with , in the Navy , were frustrated with the responses we were getting , and working through the red tape at the insurance company was crazy . With that effort , things were found out that they , the insurance folks , had not made updates to some records that were almost 7 years old . They swore they were faxing stuff to us , but in that two hour window , we didn 't see a single fax show up . . . and our fax was working fine . There were other things , that I won 't mention here , I just hope it is now cleaned up . Anyway , as I said , we finally left , and the Navy people handled the rest of the clean up . I just hope all the ordering issues are now taken care of . Well , Jason and I got back to the house and we had our breakfast . . . err lunch , and shortly afterward Joselyn showed up . It is good to have her here , as she does a great deal to help take care of those little things that can sort of pile up . The house stays a lot nicer / cleaner , and that is important . On top of that , the girls like her and that gives me a bit of a break . Speaking of the girls , I went to go pick them up and it was good to have them back at the house , even if it is only for a couple of days . Sunday they will be flying out to Boston to spend some time with their Nana , and won 't be back for over two weeks . Tonight , after dinner , the girls were having a great time playing with their toys and being very creative . I was very happy to see this , and didn 't even have to think about turning on the TV . We played for a little while , and then it was bed time . I have started to tell them stories about familiar characters ( TinkerBell , Peter Pan , cartoon characters , etc ) , and Stacy likes to join in on the story telling . This makes it a fun event , and I think brings us closer as a family . They are now asleep and shortly I will be heading off to slumber land as well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Last night I was coughing a bit more than I liked , so I took some Nyquil , and hoped that it would allow me sleep better . It sure did . I went to sleep and didn 't wake up until right before my alarm went off . Normally I am awake hours before the alarm , and then go back to sleep and wake up again , before the alarm . Anyway , I woke up and called Linda ( I 'm her alarm ) , and then went back to sleep . I slept for another two hours . I got up and felt more congested than I had in the past several days . After I was up and moving around it all seemed to clear up , and I actually felt much better . Right now I am feeling pretty good and only have the occasional cough . So on to the rest of the days activities . Jason had been asked to head up to Camp Pendleton , to attend a " Jobs Fair " type gathering , and it was set up for all the Wounded Warriors to get a chance to talk and interact with people from the civilian work world . The meeting was held up in a large conference room , where a panel was set up to speak to the people ( men and women ) attending . The interesting thing was that two of the speakers on the panel were people we knew . Eric was himself , a former Wounded Warrior , and had been in the Balboa hospital at the same time Jason was there . His room was right next to Jason 's room , and we got to know each other a little . Nick , the other guy on the panel we knew , is a recruiter from Northrup Grumman and we had met him about a year ago , when Jason went up to NG to tour their engineering area . Nick has expressed an interest in getting Jason to come work for them , once he is out of the Marines . He also complemented Jason , and his insight , in front of the rest of the room . Anyway , it was a very good meeting , and Jason made contact with a few other folks while we were there . There was a lunch afterward , so we stayed for that and then came back to the house . As we got home , Joselyn was waiting for us . We were supposed to be back by 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) , but didn 't get there until 14 : 15 ( 2 : 15pm ) . It was great to see her again , as she has really be a great help around the house and provides me with a break when I need it . The rest of the evening was just hanging around the house and then having dinner . Tomorrow there is yet another event that is coming up , where Jason is going to be wearing a shirt and tie ( he wore a shirt and tie today - and looked pretty good ) . We don 't know what is going on , but it is going to be different from the regular Friday formation . Hope it turns into a fun event for him . While he is doing that I will be taking care of a couple of other things , and I may just hang around until he is done with the activities and we 'll go back home . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning , and I let the girls sleep in for a little while , just enough for them to start to wake up on their own . I really don 't like having to get them up early in the morning , but sometimes I guess it is what has to be done . Breakfast was simple , more Cheerios , and I packed Stacy 's lunch , and then we were all off to the pre - schools . Actually we dropped Stacy off first and then headed over to Balboa to drop Jason off , and then I took Jackie to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) , on base . Jason had his PT appointment , and that took just a little over an hour , and while he was there I stopped in and visited with Jenifer T . She has responsibility for much of the goings on with C5 , and she let me know that in fact , C5 is NOT going away , and that much of the core structure or programs , are going to remain in tact . I apologize for any confusion that I may have caused with yesterday 's statement , so hopefully this provides the correct information . After his appointment , Jason wanted to go get his hair cut and then we were called over to Building 26 to deal with some paperwork . Unfortunately , I goofed on another scheduled appointment that Jason and I both had , and it was back at the house . Fortunately , I received a call as a nice reminder and Jason and I were quickly headed back to the house . Robb and Mark , from the Nice Guys wanted to speak with Jason about his truck , or better , his desire to get a truck . They can help coordinate the ability to get Jason something very close , if not exactly , to what he wants . They have a great number of connections and can work with multiple other organizations to help make the truck a reality . Anyway , Jason answered a few questions and then we had a nice visit , and they were on their way . After that visit I made lunch for Jason and sat back to rest for a little while . Later in the afternoon I had a meeting with PMI , and it was going to go on into the evening , where I didn 't get home tonight until about 21 : 00 ( 9pm ) . It was a good meeting for me , and if I should decide that I can get back into the work force , than this will be a good place for me to start to network . That was pretty much the day , and tomorrow is going to be spent at Camp Pendleton , or at least a few hours of it . We go in the morning , and then we 'll be back by early afternoon . Joselyn will back from her vacation and we can get back to a more normal routine again . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason was in fine form today , and really drove the direction of the property search today . We got up early , though not too early , and even had plenty of time for a nice easy breakfast ( they love their Cheerios ) . We got them to school and made a quick stop to see the folks who are the new contacts for his care and case management . We were told that C5 no longer exists , or maybe more appropriately , has been shut down . We both thought , " Wow ! I would have expected a little more communications on that . " Now Jason will simply be handled via the regular medical pathways , though I do plan to find out more about it tomorrow , when we go in . Anyway , after the Balboa visit we headed off to Fallbrook , to meet up with Tim and go look at some property he had lined up for Jason . Fallbrook is a little over 1 / 2 an hour to get to , via I - 15 , and it seems to be a pretty nice area . We actually spent a good six hours driving around and looking around and found some very nice properties that Jason liked . There were a couple in particular , that he liked , and to be fully honest about it , I liked them , too . The last one , in particular had some very strong possibilities , though we need to make sure all of them fit into the agreed upon budget . We did stop in the early afternoon to grab a bite to eat , and to take a look at the local businesses a little . I liked what I saw and I think Jason did , too . The path we took , going from one property to another , was pretty well directed by Jason , and Tim did a great job of keeping him engaged with everything . Towards the end , Jason was getting a little tired , and on top of that we needed to get back to pick up the girls . Typically we have the girls back at the house no later than 16 : 00 ( 4 : 00pm ) . Today it was more like 17 : 00 ( 5 : 00pm ) when we walked back in the house . They were excited to see us and it made me feel pretty good the way the jumped up on Jason , when we got to the respective schools . Jason didn 't get his regular shower in , until after the girls went to bed . The wounds are looking good , and getting smaller all the time . My guess is that he will be pretty well healed up , just about the time they want to open up that same area to get that final procedure done . I am hoping that the healing time is faster , since it will be on already healed tissue . Anyway , we 'll see what happens . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Good day today , with the girls showing up at a little after 08 : 00 this morning . Today is a federal holiday so no school for either of them . We spent the day at the house and just enjoyed each other 's company . We did make a short trip to the pet store , Jason wanted to get a few things for Mr . Jingles ( the rat ) ; and , we spent about an hour in the backyard , with the girls riding their scooters and trike . Other than that not much to report on . Jason is doing well and I 'm feeling better . Tomorrow we plan on taking the girls to their schools and then head up to Fallbrook to check out some possible home sites . We figure it is going to be an all day thing , so we want to get going early , so we don 't have to pick up the girls too late . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kick back and relax kinda day . I made breakfast and a short while later we went off to Costco for a shopping trip . I wanted to go earlier in the day so that I could possibly watch the NFL playoff games , and as it turned out , I did . I didn 't want to do too much , mostly because I am starting to feel much better and I didn 't want to over do anything to just get sick again . Now I just have to deal with this darn cough for the next two weeks ( that 's generally about how long it takes for me to get rid of it ) then I should be completely back to 100 % , or very close to it . We got back from Costco about 20 minutes before the first game , and that gave me the time to put away all the items we purchased . The game started and played out pretty much the way I expected it to , with the Broncos being the better team . They are an experienced team with a bunch of talent , and Manning is playing at the top of his game . Now with the second game of the day , the one I was more concerned about ; it didn 't end the way I had hoped . It began well enough and the 49ers held their own , the first half . Even the second half looked like it was going to be okay , but then they started to fail . Collin made a couple of bad choices and performance by a couple of players was not at the level I had hoped . There were also a couple of bad calls , and even a missed fumble recovery that might have helped , but over all the game was lost on their own accord . As for the Super bowl . . . well , I really don 't care who wins , but my guess would be that the Broncos are going to take it . Okay , that is about all for the day today , and tomorrow is a federal holiday , so we don 't have to go in , though there is formation on Tuesday morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I stayed at home today , other than a quick trip to the post office . I 'm still getting over this darn cold and I think Jason is just wanting me to rest and get better . There were a few phone calls , with folks we haven 't seen in awhile , wanting to find out what we 're up to , and that was good . I feel like staying off my feet most of the day was a good thing - though I did do some clean up of the garage , about 20 minutes worth . Tomorrow is going to be another day of resting and minimal effort . I intend to watch a football game , maybe two ; and , then we need to get to the store to pick up a few things . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out with an early morning drive to the base , so that Jason could participate in his formation . The difference is that today , at his formation , there was a retirement ceremony . A member of the Wounded Warrior Battalion , a Corporal who is a double amputee , retired . It was a very nice presentation and ceremony and I hung around to watch . Besides , by hanging around I got a chance to see some folks I normally don 't see on a regular basis . After the ceremony was over we , Jason and I , headed back to the house , and then had breakfast . The funny thing is , we didn 't have much planned today , other than attending another retirement ceremony , though this time it was for Commander Laura Ledyard . She has been Jason 's Recovery Care Coordinator since we arrived in San Diego , and we 've gotten to know her pretty well . Laura had asked us to be at the event , and I said I would love to be able to take the pictures , if she needed someone to do that . She was very happy to have me do that for her , that way no one in her family would have to , and they could all enjoy the ceremony . Anyway , I took about 160 pictures , with some of them being pretty good , I think , and will be getting them to her as soon as I can . Her retirement ceremony was done at the Veterans Memorial Hall , and had a bunch of people there , mostly her friends and family . Laura did a lot for Jason and really helped me to better understand how to get things done . We are both going to miss her very much , though we plan to stay in touch . The rest of the day was spent resting at the house and me fixing dinner . Jason has recently gotten into Dr . Who , the British television series . It is the same one that I used to watch when I was a young man and had time to spend in front of the TV . Funny how things some times go full circle . I am still dealing with this darn cold / flu and I intend to not do much more than I have to , tomorrow . I have already told Jason that I plan on sleeping late , so not to call me unless it is important . The girls get back on Monday and I want to be in better shape for them . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out a little slower than the past few days , and that is kind of understandable , since the girls are not with us , and Jason 's first appointment wasn 't until 09 : 00 . I was up before 07 : 00 and went down stairs to see how Jason was and to ask if he wanted Cream of Wheat for breakfast . I was in the mood and we had time . He said , he would like to have some so I went to the kitchen , and we didn 't have any . I immediately grabbed the car keys and headed off to the store to pick some up . It didn 't take long too get there and back , and I looked around and noticed the pan was dirty . Now I was washing dishes , and thought , " time is running out . " By the time I had the water on the stove , heating up I looked at the clock and saw that it was now just a little after 08 : 00 . Okay , we 'll have to push this until Saturday , now . Tomorrow we have to get going early so Jason can get to formation . We headed over to the base and we got to C5 with plenty of time to spare , so Jason went on in and I laid back in the van . Actually , I went up to the building as well , but CMDR Ledyard wasn 't in her office so I just slipped on back to the van . I had some time to sit back and just relax and think about what I wanted to try to get done today , and it felt kind of nice . I did make a couple of phone calls and looked at ( or at least tried to ) a couple pieces of email , though the sun was too bright and it was hard to see . We got back to the house and I wanted to get started , right away , with the cleaning chores I had assigned myself , including the cleaning of the oven . The oven cleaning turned out to be a poor choice , for about an hour in to the self cleaning program it started to smoke . I flipped the switch to get the exhaust fan going but nothing happened . Smoke was starting to come out pretty good now , so I turned off the cleaning cycle . Of course that didn 't immediately stop the smoke , and now smoke was getting everywhere so Jason and I turned on the ceiling fans and opened the doors . I was actually surprised that the smoke alarm hadn 't gone off , when suddenly , it did . Now we have the high pitched and loud alarm going off and Gracie is roaming free , and she doesn 't like that sound , at all . Jason came to me about 30 seconds later asking where she was , and I said I thought she was with him . Both of us kind of panicked a little , and went quickly looking everywhere for Gracie . She didn 't respond to calls so we took off in opposite directions looking for her . Even the neighbor , across the street ( he happened to be home ) got involved and was driving around looking . We met up back at the house and Jason asked me if I had checked upstairs , and I said , " No " , so I quickly walked upstairs , and she wasn 't there . I began to think about how she reacts when she wants to get away , so I opened the back door and went over to the hedge and said , " Come here Gracie . " and she crawled out from under the plants along the fence . The alarm had gone off and most of the smoke had cleared the house , so it was good to just sort of get back to what we were doing . I called the maintenance people and they came over to fix the fan , and instead replaced the old " hood " unit with a new microwave with a built in fan . The old unit could not be repaired . The rest of the day was much less exciting , and that was okay by me . We took care of the things we needed to get done and the rest of the day was spent just relaxing and doing whatever we wanted to do . Tomorrow will be another day , and should be lots of fun , and I 'll tell you about that , tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Took the girls to their schools this morning and won 't see them again for five days . I guess the break will make it a little easier to heal up from this darn cold , but we miss them anyway . The house always seems do empty when they 're not here , and far too quiet . Heck , even right now I have some music playing just to have some noise to keep us company . After dropping the girls off I took Jason to his appointment and pretty much just laid back in the van , so that I could relax as well as not be around too many people . I don 't think I 'm contagious but it probably is a good idea to stay a little isolated . After his appointment he came back to the van and asked me if I had anything planned for the day . I told him that I wanted to finish up cleaning the house and get the vacuum going on the carpet , other than that the only thing I wanted to get done was to cook that large turkey breast that was given to us . I wanted to get it done before it went bad and besides it took up a big chunk of the freezer . He said , " Good , I want to go see a movie , Lone Survivor . " So I said sure , there was no pressing issues otherwise . We first went home , where I fixed lunch ( it was about 11 : 15 ) and neither of us had a chance to have any breakfast , so we were both kinda hungry , and the movie wasn 't until later . The movie was done well , and I think told the story very well . I would recommend that if you want to see a movie , much like the quality of Saving Private Ryan , then this is an excellent candidate . If you 're a bit like me ( maybe even if you 're not ) it will break your heart , and at the end you will feel that emptiness that comes when you 've just said , " good - bye " to a dear friend , not knowing when , or if , you 'll see each other again . Jason was moved by this movie , more so than any other movie I 've seen him watch . Perhaps it was because so much was where he was , and involved some of the same areas he is familiar with . It really doesn 't matter , what matters is that it was a good movie and we both enjoyed it . The rest of the evening was spent just laying around the house . I did get to talk with Linda tonight for quite a long time . From that perspective it was nice being home alone , well , Jason and I were both there , but no one else running around . The turkey cooked up nicely and tasted better than I thought it would . I really didn 't know quite how to cook it , since it was just the breast of the turkey and not in any kind of real form , other than a GIANT filet . I cooked at at 350 degrees for a couple of hours and it came out better than expected . . . not bad for a guess . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Okay , we are now two weeks into the new year , and so far it seems like not much has changed , that is , with regard to our daily lives . I woke up feeling a bit better and after getting the girls to their pre - schools and Jason to his appointments , we came back home ( I 'll tell you more about the appointments in a moment ) . As we were getting ready to head back to the house Jason only had one more thing to do , and that was to get his prescriptions into the pharmacy , so that we could pick them up later , when we came back for Jackie . He asked me if I had anything planned and I said , " No , not really . I just wanted to finish up with the laundry ; get the floors cleaned ; head over to Target or Walmart to pick up the vacuum cleaner bags ; and , then get started on the rest of the house . Other than that I don 't have a lot to do . " He just sort of smiled and said , " Oh , so you don 't have much planned . " and chuckled . I said it was only about 10 hours worth of work , and I really wanted to get the house back in shape . Anyway , we just came back to the house and I got busy . After working for a little bit , I began to feel exhausted and realized I was starting to do too much , again . I laid down and napped for about an hour and then got up to head over to Target . I wanted to pick up a few things and was hoping they would have the vacuum cleaner bags , they didn 't . I came back and swept the floor and then mopped , and it was much nicer . We then took off to go pick up the girls and while I was getting Jackie ( with Stacy 's help ) , Jason was picking up the meds . We then headed over to Walmart , and they had the bags ! I was pretty happy , because otherwise we were going to have to order on line , and that meant another delay in cleaning the carpeted areas . The rest of the night was fun and relaxed . The girls were doing their best to help me with dinner , and then spending the evening with Daddy . I really enjoy the times they are with him , and I think they do too . Now , for his appointments ( told you I 'd get back to it ) - The first one was with his Nurse Practitioner , who does all the filling of his meds . It was a nice visit , and since she has moved down to the C5 area , it makes it a lot easier for us to get to her office . After that we went over to the other building where we ended up in the Dermatology area , it was closest , so we stopped there . I wanted to get a better feel for when Jason 's next surgery was going to be , and up to that point we simply had no new information . I spoke with the scheduling nurse and then pulled in one of the other doctors and she got on the phone with the other departments and we finally had a closer date . Tentatively set for February 20 . I told them that we need to start making some other plans , and that was a major aspect of the planning , so I needed to find out . Linda is planning on being down here around that same time , so we have to figure out where we are going to be and who is going to be going where . Anyway , it was nice to have a better idea , now we just have to hope it holds . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Woke up this morning feeling pretty good , though still not 100 % ( closer to 85 % I think ) , but good enough to get going with the day because Jason had his early formation call , and the girls needed to get to their preschools . With everything done and everyone where they needed to be I found myself with that rate moment of time , where I could call the VA . I did just that , I called and connected with a very nice receptionist who informed me that I needed to speak with someone else and attempted to transfer the call . Before doing so , she provided me with their extension , and I am guessing she did this because of what happened next . I sat on hold for about five minutes ( fortunately I had something else to do ) before I finally gave up . The phone simply rang and never rolled over to voice mail . Anyway , I called a little later , about 30 minutes , and this time I got through . The appointment was rescheduled to April , as that was the next available slot , open to me . Anyway , I didn 't have my hand even looked at , let alone operated on , so that will just have to wait until April now . The rest of the day was pretty slow , and I needed that , and by the end of the day now , I 'm feeling much better . Jason and I went over to visit with Anthony Netto ( Mr . Stand - Up - And - Play ) and had a very nice lunch with him . Funny thing is that a short while before we left a call came in from George Bowan , and it reminded me I needed to get in touch with him . I had intended to call him over this past weekend but with getting sick , I didn 't want to do much of anything for a couple of days . Anyway , they had a nice chat and we , Jason and I , got a brief up date on things , so I 'll be calling him probably on Wednesday , unless tomorrow works better for me . Tonight was great fun . It started as a regular kind of night , but then getting close to bed time I asked Stacy to help me with putting a few things away ( mostly their toys scattered about ) , and then Jackie decided to pitch - in . Then it became almost a game and pretty soon we were having all kinds of fun , cleaning up . I guess we were making quite the racket because Jason came out ( actually I think he was a little worried about me doing too much ) , and we were very soon done . It kind of rolled into their bedroom , and the four of us were all having a great time in the single room ; telling bed time stories and generally being silly . We were actually in the room , together , for almost an hour . It was , I think , the best " good night " for the girls we have ever had . I hope we can do it again . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a day that I didn 't even get out of my pajamas , and neither did the girls . I am not feeling well right now , though it is better than yesterday . I asked the girls to not come up to greet me this morning , and it turns out that I didn 't need too , as I was up before them and came down stairs before they were out of bed anyway . All I did was some laundry and watch football , well , okay , I just watched the 49er game . I wasn 't up for anymore football after that one , and I kind of figured that the Broncos were going to win the game against the Chargers - and they did . Jason had a nice laid back day as well , and the girls got to spend some time with him , which made me feel better . I got some of the clothes folded and even put away , and now I just have to get the rest done , at least now I have a wide selection of clothes for the girls . The young ladies from Serving Spoons brought dinner tonight ( they come once a month and today was their day ) , so I didn 't have to worry about that . They have brought some really tasty meals , so it is working out well for us . I really didn 't want to have to prepare dinner . I will be going to bed in a little while , and attempt to sleep through the night . Then take on the new day . I have a minor surgery scheduled tomorrow , but I don 't think it will be happening , as a result of this cold . I 'll be giving them a call in the morning to see what they say . Right now my hand is doing much better and only locks up on me at night and early morning . I can probably get along with the way things are anyway . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The day started out with taking the girls to Gracie 's training class , maybe I should say Jason 's training class , anyway , the girls really enjoy the playground area , so it works out nicely . Jason is in the training class for a little more than an hour and that gives the girls plenty of time to burn off some of their energy . As it turned out there was another family there with three kids , and one of them was about Stacy 's age . They hit it off reallly well , and that made it that much easier . When we were done we headed back to the house , where the girls had a quick lunch and then got ready to go see Beauty and the Beast ( Disney on ICE ) . They were gone for about 3 1 / 2 hours , and that gave me a much needed rest , as I think I 'm coming down with a significant cold . I am hoping that it is under control by Monday , as I have surgery on my hand on Monday , for trigger finger . Bottom line is that I slept for a couple of hours and then got up and started moving around . Felt a little better , but not by much . The girls are going to be a little early tonight , in the hope that I can get some sleep . I hope tomorrow is a better day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive , We started the day early , with the intentions of going in to Balboa , and building 26 for Jason 's regular formation . I went in to make sure he was up and moving , at about 06 : 45 ( I 'm up showered and dressed ) and ask the regular question , " What shorts do you want ? " His reply was what was different . Jason said he had received a text message from his section leader and it basically told him he didn 't have to come in , unless he wanted to , and that the guys were going to be doing PT Basketball . Because he is in a power chair he really can 't play basket ball with the other guys , and besides , basketball has never really been his game . I immediately asked him if he wanted some breakfast , and he declined . He usually doesn 't eat breakfast until after 08 : 00 , and that 's what we targeted . As it turned out , Jason needed to go in anyway , to take care of some paperwork , so at about 10 : 10 we went to take care of that . Anthony Netto was flying back from Pennsylvania , and would be arriving at about 11 : 00 . We had plenty of time so we went to Balboa and then over to the airport . The next stop was to get some lunch and then go pick up the girls . Apparently they didn 't go in to school today so we didn 't need to head over to the respective preschools , and that was nice for us . We went to pick them up right after lunch and brought Anthony along with us . The girls like Anthony , so there was no worries there . In fact they were asking about going over to his place , because there is a nice park where they like to play , very close by . After dropping Anthony off , and then getting the girls back to the house I fed them lunch . It was now after 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) and they both showed signs of needing a short nap . Of course , I needed a nap too , and so it worked out for everyone . The rest of the day was simply the girls getting up from their nap and playing with their toys - They love their kitchen play area . We stayed up for a little while and then they were ready for bed . The interesting thing is that I feel like I might be coming down with something , so I plan on taking it easy for the next couple of days . We will be heading up for Gracie and Jason 's training , and the girls will be playing at the park , but I believe I can get through that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started at a different pace , as we didn 't have to get up for anything in particular . When I went down to see how Jason was doing , and to get him breakfast , he told me that he did need to get over to Balboa , but it could wait to a little later . After all , it was only 07 : 30 and besides I wanted to get a nice ride in . I went for a nice 15 mile ride , and I 'm feeling better about the rides all the time , so I guess it is just a matter of time before I build up my stamina again . Anyway , after the ride I cooled down a bit and cleaned up , then Jason and I went to take care of the business at Balboa . As it turned out , there really wasn 't much that he needed to get done , but because he was contacted he wanted to get it taken care of . He is very dedicated to being a Marine and he has a strong reputation for doing whatever is asked of him . When we were done , I needed to get over to the VA office and take care of some paper work of my own , and fortunately the office is close to Balboa . Once done there we went to the pet store and picked up some food for Gracie , then headed back to the house . The rest of the evening was spent at home resting , and me doing a little organizing work on the garage . We decided to check out a new hamburger place that just opened up , The Habit , and we were pleased with what we found . The prices aren 't too bad , and the food is good . About the only down side is that I didn 't notice much for the kids , so we won 't be heading back there when we have the girls . That 's pretty much it for the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Early start to today 's activities ; Jason had a 07 : 30 formation . Unusual for mid - week , but still something we have gotten used to dealing with . The girls got up this morning with only minor protest . Actually Jackie was up and raring to go while Stacy pleaded to get more sleep . Because of that I got Jackie up first and then went to work on getting Stacy to move . Still , we managed to get down stair with clothes on , hair brushed , and time for breakfast . I finished getting my shoes on while they ate , and then helped Jason to get Gracie ready . Actually , we were at the base with plenty of time ; Jason was dropped off and then Jackie was taken to her day care preschool . The next stop was getting Stacy over to her preschool , and that just about gets me back to the house . I went to the house and since Jason was going to be doing his Marine thing I went for a bike ride . It was a modified version of my ride along the harbor , and I would have liked to modify it more , but I was worried I wouldn 't be back soon enough . After my shower and heading back over to the C5 clinic at Balboa Hospital I found that Jason was still in his last appointment . I guess I would have had time to go that extra part of the ride . Oh well , maybe I can do it tomorrow . Jason doesn 't have any appointments tomorrow , but we do have some chores to get done , so I will need to get out early for the ride . I 've also began doing another exercise that is supposed to be beneficial , as it sort of does a bunch of isometric type exercises , and you have to do it all at the same time . Right now I can go for about a minute , with a goal of getting up to two or more . You just have to do it every day , though you can make some modifications so that it doesn 't get too boring . The rest of the day was spent at the house . I did a few chores around here and Jason rested . I fixed a nice dinner of chicken with baked potato and mixed vegetables . The chicken came out much more moist than I thought it would , so I was very happy . I went to talk with Jason , while he was eating and he let me know that he had found a few more properties that he wants to look at , so we just might be doing that in the near future ( my guess would be Wed . or Thur next week ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to talk about today , as it was a slow starter and there really wasn 't a great deal of movement in any one direction . The girls slept in until after 07 : 00 , and then I started cooking French Toast . I was actually a little surprised with the fact that Jackie didn 't seem to like the French Toast , yet Stacy did . Usually if there is something that Stacy likes , Jackie is going to be right there . Oh well , tomorrow we 'll simply have Cheerios and leave it at that . I know both of them do like their Cheerios . We took the girls to their respective classes and then Jason had some things to take care of on the base . That took us a couple of hours , and it was mostly paper work that had to get done , with some updates . We were on our way back to the house , well before noon , and Jason said he would like to get some lunch and then take care of the dressing change . I fixed him his lunch and at the same time told him that we needed to get tot he store to stock up on a few things . By the time he was back in the bed , after the dressing change , I was ready to go for a short ride ( not quite 8 miles ) . About a half hour after Joselyn got there we were off to go pick up the girls and then to Costco . The girls considered this a great fun activity , and I enjoyed it , too . Not too many people , and we found everything we needed . Tonight I prepared some salmon and rice for dinner , and the girls really like the salmon . Tomorrow we have to be up early , so the girls were in bed a little earlier than usual , but not by much . Apparently there is a need to have all the Marines at formation tomorrow , at 07 : 30 so we have to get the girls to their classes right after I drop Jason off . My guess is that the early formation is a result of somebody doing something they shouldn 't have , and so they are calling everybody in to talk about it . Actually , this is the first such formation in over two years , so it hasn 't been too bad , and we 'll find out exactly what , tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . January 6 , 2014t Today is kind of like the first day of the new year , and actually it is the first Monday of 2014 . Those first five days were sort of a getting used to the idea of a new year and not really focused on doing to many of the things we need to . Today , however began like so many of the other Mondays , with Jason needing to get to his formation and then some sort of a training period . On the bright side , the training didn 't take very long and we were getting back over to C5 to visit with CMDR Ledyard , and taking a moment to wish her a prosperous new year . She is going to be retiring soon ( later this month ) so she won 't be around much for very much longer . Anyway , we visited for a few minutes and then we were on our way . Jason asked me if I 'd like to go to the movies , and see 47 Rhonin . It is a new release and most of the critics don 't like it , so I figured it was probably going to be a good movie . It had some of the Asian fantasy characters and magic , and some excellent costumes . The characters could have been developed a little more but in general it was a good movie , I thought , but hey that 's me . Funny thing is , this was the first time that we went to the movie and Jason didn 't buy popcorn ; and , that was good as far as I was concerned . There is an update on Jason getting his own vehicle ! We received an email from The Nice Guys , and they are wanting to help Jason get the vehicle he wants . Jason is wanting a pick up , and it will have to have a special lift mechanism that allows him to pull up to a platform ; the platform lifts him up and places him behind the wheel ; and , he simply drives off . Now we just have to see exactly what is going to be done , and how long will it take for this vehicle to become real . The rest of the day was kind of relaxed . I went and picked up the girls at around 15 : 30 ( 3 : 30pm ) . First thing they asked was " Where 's grandma ? " I explained that she had to get back to the house up in Livermore ; and , then after getting back to the house they asked , " Where 's Joselyn ? " I explained that she had to stay home today because she wasn 't feeling well . It all worked out and the really good news was that the TV was never turned on , for broadcast or for watching a video . They were playing with their toys and using their own imaginations . Dinner was simple and Daddy read them a couple of stories , then it was bed time . At bed time Stacy got a bit silly , and so Jackie jumped right in to be just like her big sister . Pretty soon the room was very noisy and full of laughter . I figured it was okay to let them be happy and silly for a little while . I just didn 't want to have them get too wound up , otherwise they wouldn 't go to bed . I told them another couple of stories and we sang two songs , and then it was lights out . It is always so good to have the girls around , though it is much easier with Grandma around too . . . ; - ) Not sure what is on the agenda for Jason , tomorrow , as we did discuss it , and now he 's asleep . My guess is that we 'll be taking the girls to their respective schools and then take care of a couple of small chores . I want to see if I can get a bike ride in and then some straightening up of the garage . I have a few other things to do as well , and then head off to get the girls back home . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We all got up early this morning . . . I woke up and looked at the clock ; realized that we didn 't have a great deal of time ; and , quickly got Linda up and moving . We had been invited to go to the Grace Presbyterian Church , up in Vista , by Tom and Carol Lightner , and we didn 't want to be late . Linda and I got up and started to get ready , and dressed . I went down stairs to make sure Jason was awake , and it was a good thing , he was asleep . Fortunately it really doesn 't take him too long to get up and dressed , so we were okay . We didn 't need to worry about eating as we were also invited to go to brunch after church . We drove up to Vista , up to the Lightner 's place and then on over to the church . The drive up was faster than I first thought it would be , and that was good because my GPS decided to take us the wrong way , at just about the end of the drive . Fortunately we had been there before and I did remember some of the way to their home . I had to call Tom and ask for a little help , and that still got us to the house earlier than we needed to be . The drive over to Grace Presbyterian was relatively short , and it was good to visit . The folks there are great and Pastor Tom gave us a very nice greeting . After church we went to brunch and had a great time . It was at their country club , and there were several television sets with the San Diego Chargers game going . Honestly , it wasn 't a game I was too concerned about , but it was still interesting to see , and the food was quite good . It gave us a chance to catch up with Tom and Carol , and Jason was having a good time , too . Linda and I really feel like there is a solid connection with folks like Tom and Carol , so we truly had a great time . After Brunch we got a chance to meet a few of the folks at the club house and Jason even spoke with the general manager about the paragolfer - he seemed very interested . We visited for about 10 - 15 minutes and then headed back home . Linda was flying out later in the day and we wanted to make sure there was plenty of time to pack , as well as take care of anything else that might come up . Back at the house , Linda was feeling a little sleepy so she asked me to wake her after a short nap . Jason was ready for his shower , so it all worked out nicely . It also happened to be about the time the 49er game got started , so I had an incentive to get everything done . I had the game on , but only got to watch clips of the first quarter - it looked very promising . Once Jason was comfortably back in his bed I fixed him a little plate to snack on and then I could just sit down and enjoy the game . Green Bay finally got things going and turned it into a really good game . I was very happy with the out come , though , and especially since it was a good game . Linda got up after her nap and finished packing . We took care of a few things around the house , and then we just sat on the couch for a little while , enjoying each other 's company . We talked a little about what our plans are and I think things are going to be very good for 2014 . Linda finally had to get going so I put the suit cases in the car and we loaded up to get to the air port . Linda , mom , said good - bye to Jason and we headed off to the airport . I dropped her off and came back home , expecting her to call me when she finally arrived back at the house . I did , however , receive a phone call from a friend who is going to be picking her up . Karen wanted to know if Linda had gotten to the airport and also if I was aware of the delayed flight . I wasn 't so she let me know the flight was over two hours delayed ( due to a problem in Chicago ) . Linda finally did give me a call , to let me know about the delay , and I asked her to contact Karen . Everything turned out and now , at 06 : 00 tomorrow morning I will be giving Linda a call to wake her up . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had a good day today , and we even went for a ride , out in the country side . Of course , around here that means you basically can only go in two directions . . . North or East . The other two directions will get you to Mexico or out in the Pacific ocean . Anyway , it was something kind of different and it was fun to get out and explore a little bit . We were gone for about three hours and the effort was a bit of a load on Jason , so after we got home we had a quick lunch and then he went to sleep . The rest of the day was spent with Linda and I making a quick trip to Target and then the rest of the day was spent at the house . We even had a simple dinner of soup and sandwiches for dinner , and it was nice . We still had some of the ham from the Honey Baked Ham left over and it made a couple of very nice sandwiches . We also sat back and watched a movie , something we always enjoy doing , and won 't be able to do again until she comes back down ( or I have to go up north for some reason ) . All the decorations are down , and put away - the put away part is usually the slowest part . Now it is a matter of moving on into the new year and seeing just what we can accomplish . We 'll be going to church in the morning , and in fact , have been invited to brunch with some friends after . Not sure what else will be going on , other than Linda will need to head on back up to Livermore by the end of the day . It was been extra nice having her here for these past couple of weeks , so I guess I got a little spoiled . Jason and I will need to get back into our routine again , and that shouldn 't be too difficult , I hope . Thank you , all for all the continued prayer and support . Take care and stay positive . Nice day today , with a formation in the morning and a very relaxed evening . Miss the girls , though they will be back , so we 'll just have to deal with that . After formation , Jason and I came back to the house and picked up Linda so we could head over to the Original Pancake House . It isn 't too far away and we all like the food there . Once that was done we headed back to the house so that Jason could get his shower in and I could change the dressings , and then Linda and I were to head off to Wal - Mart ( actually about the first time I 've been to a Wal - Mart this year ) . Another thing that I didn 't mention was that prior to heading out to do some shopping , we took down a bunch , almost all , of the Christmas decorations that were left . Tonight we ate Linda 's stew , and it was great ! Jason had a big bowl and Linda and I used two slightly smaller bowls . Of course we also had seconds , so we made up the difference . . . ; - ) One thing that I like to do is to spice it up a bit , and added some hot sauce to the mix , and I think it was a great flavor enhancer . No one else seems to think the same way as I do , but heck , that 's nothing new . The rest of the evening was spent just sitting back and relaxing . Tomorrow we will be getting up and I 'll be fixing some French Toast . After breakfast we plan on going out and taking a look at some property . Linda has only seen pictures and she would like to see just what it is that Jason is looking at , and possibly wanting to settle down with . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a pretty exciting day , and also a bit of a downer day . The downer part was related to the fact that the girls went away for a few days ( we get them back on Monday ) . The exciting part was that we had a great deal of fun with them , while they were here , and they even helped to take down a bunch of the Christmas decorations . Of course , because it is military housing we really only had a limited amount of decorations we could put up , but we still had a great time . The other exciting thing was that Scott , the Gary Sinise Foundation project manager for building Jason 's house , sat down and talked with us . As you might imagine , most of the conversation revolved around Jason and his needs , but it was still nice to be a part of the conversation , and I enjoy getting my two cents in there , when it is appropriate . As the house develops I will be putting more of it in the blog , but for now just be aware that we have begun the process , and depending on a number of factors it could take the better part of a year to get accomplished . The other two things that happened today , that I consider positives , Linda made us some stew ( I already had some of the broth and it was great ) and Jason , Linda and I went to the movies . We went and saw Saving Mr . Banks . It was a movie that Linda wanted to see and I had heard some good things about it , so I was open to seeing it ; and , Jason went along just because I think he wanted to get out of the house for a while . As it turned out , both Jason and I were laughing at some of the humor in the movie and enjoyed the history immensely . After the movie I told Linda that it was an excellent choice and we were all glad to have seen it . I would recommend it for anyone , especially the history buffs out there . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . What a great start to a new year . We were up kind of late last night , though we didn 't make it to midnight . The girls were up with us until close to 23 : 00 ( 11pm ) and then began showing serious signs of being tired and needing to go to bed . We thought that since the girls had gotten to bed so late that we could figure on them sleeping in a little . Well , that 's about what we got . . . At 07 : 10 this morning Jackie was up poking Linda and asking if she was awake . Obviously we both opened our eyes and Linda helped Jackie on to the bed . A few minutes later Stacy came running into the room and immediately jumped up on to the bed and landed with both knees right on Grandpa 's belly . . . " Good morning ! " So much for sleeping in . We ended up playing with the girls for about 10 minutes and then we all got up . Grandpa was making pancakes for breakfast ! The rest of the day was fun , and even productive . Our son David and his wife , Miriam bought us FitBits for Christmas so I got them set up , today . Well , at least I got mine set up . Linda is going to be able to use it right now , but not be able to track the data until she sets it up with her computer at home . That 's okay , she can still track what is going on , and we can compare results on a regular basis . Right now it looks like she actually takes more steps than I do , so I guess I need to " step " up my activity . As for beginning the new year , Jason 's wounds are looking better than ever , and in fact , most of them have closed up . There is still one section that still has some closing to do , but even that is better than it has been , ever in the past . Gracie is doing much better as well , and hardly shows any sign of limping , or having any problems with her leg . This is a year Jason makes some major steps at gaining more independence , and Jason is looking forward to getting his own vehicle , as well as possibly moving into his own home . I will do my best to keep up with the blog , and everyone will continue to know what is going on . Perhaps I can get started on my book again and see if that can start to become a reality . Thank you , all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
Jason and I got going early , as he had his formation , at 07 : 30 , and the very good positive news is that it was short , so we were able to leave before 08 : 30 . Both of us were hungry so we went over to The Broken Yoke and got breakfast . I guess I am going through a change of sorts , as I can 't eat like I used to . I ordered a normal breakfast , but was only able to eat about half of it . The rest came home for left overs , later tonight . From breakfast we returned to the base because I had an appointment , and didn 't want to miss it . Actually it was a make up appointment since the original appointment happened when I was sick a couple of weeks ago , and I didn 't want to miss it again . Funny thing is , Jason apparently had missed an appointment yesterday and the doctor who he would have seen saw him and said there was an open time slot right now . Bottom line is that both of us ended up with " make up " appointments , at about the same time . Once we left the base , again , we headed back to the house and Jason wanted to take a shower and do his daily dressing change . Once this was done we headed over Anthony Nettos for a bar - b - que of sorts . He wanted to try out some new recipes for marinade . The meat was done well and tasted pretty good , though I didn 't eat too much . There were other goodies there and I wanted to try some without getting too full . There were a few other folks there and it tuned out to be a nice little party , that lasted until about 14 : 30 ( 2 : 30pm ) . We came back to the house and relaxed and I caught up on some of my email . Otherwise , other than a couple of phone calls , I didn 't do much . Dinner was easy , and tomorrow is Saturday . I plan on getting out for an early bike ride , and hope to go more than 15 miles . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Jason had a PT appointment today , and an appointment with Nurse Practitioner Grainie . Both of these were done by 10 : 30 , and even a quick visit over to building 26 , then we were on our way home . Actually , one of the first things I said to Jason ( besides , " Good Morning ! " ) was that I wanted to wash the van today , and was planning on taking it to the car wash , it desperately needed to be vacuumed ( dog hair everywhere ) . I removed the two car seats and was fully intending to go to the wash . However , on the way home it started to drizzle and the sky didn 't look particularly friendly , so I changed my mind . Then , again , it has been very dry to date , so maybe that was what I needed to do all along . My apologies to the state for not thinking of this sooner . . . ; - ) The rest of the day was relaxed , and a few personal things were taken care of . We did have the rest of Jason 's soup for dinner , and we 're doing our best to use the food in the house , without having to go to the store again . . . at least for now . We 'll be gone most of next week so we don 't want to have stuff just sitting around for a week . Anyway , tomorrow is another early formation and then I 'm not sure what the day will bring . I will , again , attempt to get the van cleaned , but that remains to be see . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . Another day that started a little later in the day . Jason 's first appointment wasn 't until 09 : 00 , and no girls to get to school , so we didn 't have the crazy push to get going . After his PT appointment ( about an hour - and he is doing very well with range of motion ) we headed over to Best Buy to see if his computer was ready . He received a call from them and he wanted to get his unit back . As it turned out , the laptop wasn 't ready , though it was being worked on , and they said it should be ready shortly . I even asked , " should we just wander around the store until the unit is done ? " They said they didn 't know when it would be ready , so we went on home . Almost as soon as we walked in the door Jason 's phone rang and it was Best Buy . . . The laptop is ready for pickup . At that point we didn 't go get it . Jason wanted to take a shower and I wanted to change the sheets on his bed . That all taken care of , so I made lunch and we just kind of relaxed around the house . Joselyn came to the house a little while later and I went for a bike ride . I had already hit the treadmill while Jason was at his PT , but I wanted to get on the bike . I rode a nice 12 mile ride , and surprisingly the traffic wasn 't too bad . When I got back I took my shower and got dressed , and asked Jason if he wanted me to go pick up the laptop . He said , " Sure . " It was getting a little later in the day now , so I expected traffic to be bad , but it wasn 't too much , and I was back at the house in just a little over an hour . The laptop is working fine and I guess they did a good job of " cleaning " it up . Jason cooked dinner tonight , and he made a great vegetable - beef soup . I think I must have eaten too much because a short while after eating I was ready for a nap . The rest of the evening was spent relaxing and catching up on a few things , like email . In a matter of a few days we will be heading up to Hollywood to go to the 20th anniversary showing of Forest Gump , at Paramount Studios . We 'll be up there for a few days , so I really don 't know what to expect . I may not be able to keep up with the blog for some of those days , so please forgive any gaps , though I will do what I can . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had an appointment with PT ( Physical Therapy ) this morning , and then there was possible visit to Nurse Practitioner Joanne Grainie . As it turned out he did make the PT appointment , but then decided to see Joanne tomorrow . In the mean time I wanted to do some extra walking . Linda ( my wife ) and I both have the Fitbit now and she has been " running " circles around me . A couple of days ago she had a day where she did over 10 , 000 steps , so I wanted to do the same today . As a result of my extra focus and effort I am happy to say that I too , now have a 10 , 000 step day . Actually I went over 11 , 000 , but the award is for going over 10K . My guess is that she is going to do the same , and that way she 'll have two to my one . After leaving Balboa we went over to Best Buy , where Jason wanted them to work on his laptop . He has a service contract with them and the laptop has been running poorly . While he was talking to the guys there I walked the store - again to keep the focus on the steps . When we finished at Best Buy we went over to the grocery store where I wanted to get some lettuce . Once we got into the store Jason decided that he wanted to get a few things , too . Well , actually he probably made that decision before getting out of the van , he just hadn 't told me . He plans on making one of his tasty stews , and I look forward to it . The rest of the day was spent at the house , and not much else happened . I sat down to check my email and a short while later received an email , from Fitbit , stating I had received the 10K award . I was glad , because I really didn 't want to do a bunch more walking around . There is another for 15K , so perhaps I 'll attempt that , but on a day where I will be walking around , possibly while on vacation or something like that . Thank you , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out pretty much as normal , with the weather bouncing back and forth from nice to looking like it was going to rain . We headed over to the hospital at Balboa and Jason 's formation . The formation was over and then he went on to his class . The class was over in about 30 minutes , so that didn 't take much time at all . That 's when things got a little different . We went to see Nurse Practitioner Grainie and Jason needed his shot ( he gets an injection every two weeks ) of testosterone . While waiting there she asked me if I wanted to learn how to give the shots and I replied that it was up to Jason . I was comfortable doing it , if he was comfortable with me being the one doing it . I went through a short instruction on the types of needles and how to draw the fluid and on how to inject . Then I did it , and everything went fine . Now I have another talent to add to my list of things I 've learned . It also helps us to be just a little more independent and not have to come in to get the shot . The rest of the day was spent going to a restaurant for lunch ( Hooters ) and eating the wrong stuff . They had a special on Boneless Buffalo Wings , all you can eat , so Jason and I both took advantage of that special . Even though the price was reasonable , and Jason received an additional discount for being military , it was a bad deal for me , and I think Jason , too . I still feel like I have a brick in my stomach and didn 't have anything for dinner , and Jason didn 't want any dinner either . This isn 't the first time we 've eaten there , and have had good experience in the past ; just this time it wasn 't so good . Note to self , don 't do that again . . . The rest of the evening has been basically about laying around the house and recovering from lunch . Tomorrow there are a couple of small appointments , and then I think we 're going over to see Anthony Netto . We haven 't touched base with him in a couple of weeks , and we try to stay in touch since he and Jason seem to have hit it off pretty well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to report on , for today . We both got up a little later than usual , but actually , not too much later . I was down stairs by 07 : 30 and fixing Jason his breakfast - mine too . A little while after that I decided to go for a bike ride . I hadn 't been on one for a couple of weeks , and the weather was reasonable , though I sure wouldn 't mind if it rained . I 've even threatened to wash the van , to see if that would make it rain . I did wash the truck , and that didn 't do much . The ride was only 11 miles , and I could tell that I hadn 't ridden in a while . It still felt pretty good , and I was glad that I chose the route I did . If I 'd gone much farther I think I would have been exhausted when I got home . As it was , I was just very tired . . . ; - ) The rest of the day consisted of taking care of a couple of personal things ; washing a load of clothes and dishes ; and fixing the meals . Jason basically used the time to just sit back and relax . Tomorrow he will be heading off for his formation and I 'm not sure what I 'll be doing , so I plan on playing it by ear . Thanks , for the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Nice day today with the girls . We got up in a much needed relaxed manner and had a nice breakfast . Jason wasn 't pushing at all , about getting out the door to get to Gracie 's training , and as a result we did get out late . Actually , I was the one doing most of the pushing this morning , but the girls were still having fun and it all became a great big game for them . We left about 30 minutes later than we typically do , and then . . . we needed to stop to get some gas . We got to the training more than 1 / 2 hour late , but that 's okay , they still let Jason and Gracie come in . The girls and I headed over to the play area and immediately hit the swings . Funny thing is , this time they only spent about 15 minutes there and decided they want to do all the other things available , like the different climbing structures and slides . We were over by the climbing tree when Stacy decided that she wanted to go for a run , as there is a nice running pathway around the park . I went with them ( Jackie agreed to go , though I don 't think she really understood what Stacy wanted ) , and ended up carrying Jackie about 150 meters into the path . We might have gone as much as a 1 / 4 mile , but that kind of wore them out ( me too ) , and we were very close to where Jason was . It looked like they were done so we walked over . Jason was just wrapping things up and I carried the two girls back to the car , as it wasn 't too far away . By the time I had the girls back in their car seats Jason was ready to get in the van , also . We drove back to the house and the traffic wasn 't too bad , except for this one place where there was a walk way over the freeway . There were a bunch of folks up on the over crossing , with signs and stuff , so the traffic was slowed down , I guess because some folks wanted to read what was hanging there . It was irritating , as traffic really picked up right afterward . It only takes a couple of people to slow everyone else down , and then traffic gets totally jammed up . Fortunately , this only lasted for about a mile or so . We got home and I fixed lunch , and the girls then took a nap . After that , I took a short nap , at least I guess I did , because I closed my eyes and suddenly it was about an hour later . The rest of the day was easy , with the girls getting up and me fixing a simple spaghetti dinner . At about 19 : 15 ( 7 : 15pm ) they were picked up and will be flying to Boston , early in the morning . We won 't see them again until about February 15 , or something like that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning , much like other mornings with early formation . We went over to building 26 , and he went to the gathering of the troops . It was a quick formation , and right afterward I needed to head over to see one of the admin techs , to sign some documents . Jason also needed to go to another building ( 14 ) which happened to be in the opposite direction , so we went or two different ways . I did a bunch of walking , but I have to admit it was because I wanted to get some distance recorded on my Fitbit . I was tired of Linda always making me look bad . . . okay , maybe not " bad " just she was doing so much more . Anyway , I found out where the new case manager was located , though she wasn 't there - not back from a vacation or something - so we 'll have to connect next week . After this initial walking around I got back to the van and sat down for a few minutes and then Jason called . He was done with the training and was ready to be picked up . It was still relatively early ( I think about 09 : 15 ) , and we could get back to the house and grab some breakfast . However , Jason wanted to stop in and talk to a couple of the folks to find out why the supplies were no longer coming to the house . Both he and I thought it was a simple task and figured it wouldn 't take more than a few minutes . About two hours later we finally left the room we had been working in , and let the Navy take care of the clean up . For what ever reason , there seems to have been a break in communications somewhere , between the Navy and the insurance carrier . We could tell that the folks we were working with , in the Navy , were frustrated with the responses we were getting , and working through the red tape at the insurance company was crazy . With that effort , things were found out that they , the insurance folks , had not made updates to some records that were almost 7 years old . They swore they were faxing stuff to us , but in that two hour window , we didn 't see a single fax show up . . . and our fax was working fine . There were other things , that I won 't mention here , I just hope it is now cleaned up . Anyway , as I said , we finally left , and the Navy people handled the rest of the clean up . I just hope all the ordering issues are now taken care of . Well , Jason and I got back to the house and we had our breakfast . . . err lunch , and shortly afterward Joselyn showed up . It is good to have her here , as she does a great deal to help take care of those little things that can sort of pile up . The house stays a lot nicer / cleaner , and that is important . On top of that , the girls like her and that gives me a bit of a break . Speaking of the girls , I went to go pick them up and it was good to have them back at the house , even if it is only for a couple of days . Sunday they will be flying out to Boston to spend some time with their Nana , and won 't be back for over two weeks . Tonight , after dinner , the girls were having a great time playing with their toys and being very creative . I was very happy to see this , and didn 't even have to think about turning on the TV . We played for a little while , and then it was bed time . I have started to tell them stories about familiar characters ( TinkerBell , Peter Pan , cartoon characters , etc ) , and Stacy likes to join in on the story telling . This makes it a fun event , and I think brings us closer as a family . They are now asleep and shortly I will be heading off to slumber land as well . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Last night I was coughing a bit more than I liked , so I took some Nyquil , and hoped that it would allow me sleep better . It sure did . I went to sleep and didn 't wake up until right before my alarm went off . Normally I am awake hours before the alarm , and then go back to sleep and wake up again , before the alarm . Anyway , I woke up and called Linda ( I 'm her alarm ) , and then went back to sleep . I slept for another two hours . I got up and felt more congested than I had in the past several days . After I was up and moving around it all seemed to clear up , and I actually felt much better . Right now I am feeling pretty good and only have the occasional cough . So on to the rest of the days activities . Jason had been asked to head up to Camp Pendleton , to attend a " Jobs Fair " type gathering , and it was set up for all the Wounded Warriors to get a chance to talk and interact with people from the civilian work world . The meeting was held up in a large conference room , where a panel was set up to speak to the people ( men and women ) attending . The interesting thing was that two of the speakers on the panel were people we knew . Eric was himself , a former Wounded Warrior , and had been in the Balboa hospital at the same time Jason was there . His room was right next to Jason 's room , and we got to know each other a little . Nick , the other guy on the panel we knew , is a recruiter from Northrup Grumman and we had met him about a year ago , when Jason went up to NG to tour their engineering area . Nick has expressed an interest in getting Jason to come work for them , once he is out of the Marines . He also complemented Jason , and his insight , in front of the rest of the room . Anyway , it was a very good meeting , and Jason made contact with a few other folks while we were there . There was a lunch afterward , so we stayed for that and then came back to the house . As we got home , Joselyn was waiting for us . We were supposed to be back by 14 : 00 ( 2pm ) , but didn 't get there until 14 : 15 ( 2 : 15pm ) . It was great to see her again , as she has really be a great help around the house and provides me with a break when I need it . The rest of the evening was just hanging around the house and then having dinner . Tomorrow there is yet another event that is coming up , where Jason is going to be wearing a shirt and tie ( he wore a shirt and tie today - and looked pretty good ) . We don 't know what is going on , but it is going to be different from the regular Friday formation . Hope it turns into a fun event for him . While he is doing that I will be taking care of a couple of other things , and I may just hang around until he is done with the activities and we 'll go back home . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We got up this morning , and I let the girls sleep in for a little while , just enough for them to start to wake up on their own . I really don 't like having to get them up early in the morning , but sometimes I guess it is what has to be done . Breakfast was simple , more Cheerios , and I packed Stacy 's lunch , and then we were all off to the pre - schools . Actually we dropped Stacy off first and then headed over to Balboa to drop Jason off , and then I took Jackie to the CDC ( Child Development Center ) , on base . Jason had his PT appointment , and that took just a little over an hour , and while he was there I stopped in and visited with Jenifer T . She has responsibility for much of the goings on with C5 , and she let me know that in fact , C5 is NOT going away , and that much of the core structure or programs , are going to remain in tact . I apologize for any confusion that I may have caused with yesterday 's statement , so hopefully this provides the correct information . After his appointment , Jason wanted to go get his hair cut and then we were called over to Building 26 to deal with some paperwork . Unfortunately , I goofed on another scheduled appointment that Jason and I both had , and it was back at the house . Fortunately , I received a call as a nice reminder and Jason and I were quickly headed back to the house . Robb and Mark , from the Nice Guys wanted to speak with Jason about his truck , or better , his desire to get a truck . They can help coordinate the ability to get Jason something very close , if not exactly , to what he wants . They have a great number of connections and can work with multiple other organizations to help make the truck a reality . Anyway , Jason answered a few questions and then we had a nice visit , and they were on their way . After that visit I made lunch for Jason and sat back to rest for a little while . Later in the afternoon I had a meeting with PMI , and it was going to go on into the evening , where I didn 't get home tonight until about 21 : 00 ( 9pm ) . It was a good meeting for me , and if I should decide that I can get back into the work force , than this will be a good place for me to start to network . That was pretty much the day , and tomorrow is going to be spent at Camp Pendleton , or at least a few hours of it . We go in the morning , and then we 'll be back by early afternoon . Joselyn will back from her vacation and we can get back to a more normal routine again . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason was in fine form today , and really drove the direction of the property search today . We got up early , though not too early , and even had plenty of time for a nice easy breakfast ( they love their Cheerios ) . We got them to school and made a quick stop to see the folks who are the new contacts for his care and case management . We were told that C5 no longer exists , or maybe more appropriately , has been shut down . We both thought , " Wow ! I would have expected a little more communications on that . " Now Jason will simply be handled via the regular medical pathways , though I do plan to find out more about it tomorrow , when we go in . Anyway , after the Balboa visit we headed off to Fallbrook , to meet up with Tim and go look at some property he had lined up for Jason . Fallbrook is a little over 1 / 2 an hour to get to , via I - 15 , and it seems to be a pretty nice area . We actually spent a good six hours driving around and looking around and found some very nice properties that Jason liked . There were a couple in particular , that he liked , and to be fully honest about it , I liked them , too . The last one , in particular had some very strong possibilities , though we need to make sure all of them fit into the agreed upon budget . We did stop in the early afternoon to grab a bite to eat , and to take a look at the local businesses a little . I liked what I saw and I think Jason did , too . The path we took , going from one property to another , was pretty well directed by Jason , and Tim did a great job of keeping him engaged with everything . Towards the end , Jason was getting a little tired , and on top of that we needed to get back to pick up the girls . Typically we have the girls back at the house no later than 16 : 00 ( 4 : 00pm ) . Today it was more like 17 : 00 ( 5 : 00pm ) when we walked back in the house . They were excited to see us and it made me feel pretty good the way the jumped up on Jason , when we got to the respective schools . Jason didn 't get his regular shower in , until after the girls went to bed . The wounds are looking good , and getting smaller all the time . My guess is that he will be pretty well healed up , just about the time they want to open up that same area to get that final procedure done . I am hoping that the healing time is faster , since it will be on already healed tissue . Anyway , we 'll see what happens . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Good day today , with the girls showing up at a little after 08 : 00 this morning . Today is a federal holiday so no school for either of them . We spent the day at the house and just enjoyed each other 's company . We did make a short trip to the pet store , Jason wanted to get a few things for Mr . Jingles ( the rat ) ; and , we spent about an hour in the backyard , with the girls riding their scooters and trike . Other than that not much to report on . Jason is doing well and I 'm feeling better . Tomorrow we plan on taking the girls to their schools and then head up to Fallbrook to check out some possible home sites . We figure it is going to be an all day thing , so we want to get going early , so we don 't have to pick up the girls too late . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Kick back and relax kinda day . I made breakfast and a short while later we went off to Costco for a shopping trip . I wanted to go earlier in the day so that I could possibly watch the NFL playoff games , and as it turned out , I did . I didn 't want to do too much , mostly because I am starting to feel much better and I didn 't want to over do anything to just get sick again . Now I just have to deal with this darn cough for the next two weeks ( that 's generally about how long it takes for me to get rid of it ) then I should be completely back to 100 % , or very close to it . We got back from Costco about 20 minutes before the first game , and that gave me the time to put away all the items we purchased . The game started and played out pretty much the way I expected it to , with the Broncos being the better team . They are an experienced team with a bunch of talent , and Manning is playing at the top of his game . Now with the second game of the day , the one I was more concerned about ; it didn 't end the way I had hoped . It began well enough and the 49ers held their own , the first half . Even the second half looked like it was going to be okay , but then they started to fail . Collin made a couple of bad choices and performance by a couple of players was not at the level I had hoped . There were also a couple of bad calls , and even a missed fumble recovery that might have helped , but over all the game was lost on their own accord . As for the Super bowl . . . well , I really don 't care who wins , but my guess would be that the Broncos are going to take it . Okay , that is about all for the day today , and tomorrow is a federal holiday , so we don 't have to go in , though there is formation on Tuesday morning . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason and I stayed at home today , other than a quick trip to the post office . I 'm still getting over this darn cold and I think Jason is just wanting me to rest and get better . There were a few phone calls , with folks we haven 't seen in awhile , wanting to find out what we 're up to , and that was good . I feel like staying off my feet most of the day was a good thing - though I did do some clean up of the garage , about 20 minutes worth . Tomorrow is going to be another day of resting and minimal effort . I intend to watch a football game , maybe two ; and , then we need to get to the store to pick up a few things . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out with an early morning drive to the base , so that Jason could participate in his formation . The difference is that today , at his formation , there was a retirement ceremony . A member of the Wounded Warrior Battalion , a Corporal who is a double amputee , retired . It was a very nice presentation and ceremony and I hung around to watch . Besides , by hanging around I got a chance to see some folks I normally don 't see on a regular basis . After the ceremony was over we , Jason and I , headed back to the house , and then had breakfast . The funny thing is , we didn 't have much planned today , other than attending another retirement ceremony , though this time it was for Commander Laura Ledyard . She has been Jason 's Recovery Care Coordinator since we arrived in San Diego , and we 've gotten to know her pretty well . Laura had asked us to be at the event , and I said I would love to be able to take the pictures , if she needed someone to do that . She was very happy to have me do that for her , that way no one in her family would have to , and they could all enjoy the ceremony . Anyway , I took about 160 pictures , with some of them being pretty good , I think , and will be getting them to her as soon as I can . Her retirement ceremony was done at the Veterans Memorial Hall , and had a bunch of people there , mostly her friends and family . Laura did a lot for Jason and really helped me to better understand how to get things done . We are both going to miss her very much , though we plan to stay in touch . The rest of the day was spent resting at the house and me fixing dinner . Jason has recently gotten into Dr . Who , the British television series . It is the same one that I used to watch when I was a young man and had time to spend in front of the TV . Funny how things some times go full circle . I am still dealing with this darn cold / flu and I intend to not do much more than I have to , tomorrow . I have already told Jason that I plan on sleeping late , so not to call me unless it is important . The girls get back on Monday and I want to be in better shape for them . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started out a little slower than the past few days , and that is kind of understandable , since the girls are not with us , and Jason 's first appointment wasn 't until 09 : 00 . I was up before 07 : 00 and went down stairs to see how Jason was and to ask if he wanted Cream of Wheat for breakfast . I was in the mood and we had time . He said , he would like to have some so I went to the kitchen , and we didn 't have any . I immediately grabbed the car keys and headed off to the store to pick some up . It didn 't take long too get there and back , and I looked around and noticed the pan was dirty . Now I was washing dishes , and thought , " time is running out . " By the time I had the water on the stove , heating up I looked at the clock and saw that it was now just a little after 08 : 00 . Okay , we 'll have to push this until Saturday , now . Tomorrow we have to get going early so Jason can get to formation . We headed over to the base and we got to C5 with plenty of time to spare , so Jason went on in and I laid back in the van . Actually , I went up to the building as well , but CMDR Ledyard wasn 't in her office so I just slipped on back to the van . I had some time to sit back and just relax and think about what I wanted to try to get done today , and it felt kind of nice . I did make a couple of phone calls and looked at ( or at least tried to ) a couple pieces of email , though the sun was too bright and it was hard to see . We got back to the house and I wanted to get started , right away , with the cleaning chores I had assigned myself , including the cleaning of the oven . The oven cleaning turned out to be a poor choice , for about an hour in to the self cleaning program it started to smoke . I flipped the switch to get the exhaust fan going but nothing happened . Smoke was starting to come out pretty good now , so I turned off the cleaning cycle . Of course that didn 't immediately stop the smoke , and now smoke was getting everywhere so Jason and I turned on the ceiling fans and opened the doors . I was actually surprised that the smoke alarm hadn 't gone off , when suddenly , it did . Now we have the high pitched and loud alarm going off and Gracie is roaming free , and she doesn 't like that sound , at all . Jason came to me about 30 seconds later asking where she was , and I said I thought she was with him . Both of us kind of panicked a little , and went quickly looking everywhere for Gracie . She didn 't respond to calls so we took off in opposite directions looking for her . Even the neighbor , across the street ( he happened to be home ) got involved and was driving around looking . We met up back at the house and Jason asked me if I had checked upstairs , and I said , " No " , so I quickly walked upstairs , and she wasn 't there . I began to think about how she reacts when she wants to get away , so I opened the back door and went over to the hedge and said , " Come here Gracie . " and she crawled out from under the plants along the fence . The alarm had gone off and most of the smoke had cleared the house , so it was good to just sort of get back to what we were doing . I called the maintenance people and they came over to fix the fan , and instead replaced the old " hood " unit with a new microwave with a built in fan . The old unit could not be repaired . The rest of the day was much less exciting , and that was okay by me . We took care of the things we needed to get done and the rest of the day was spent just relaxing and doing whatever we wanted to do . Tomorrow will be another day , and should be lots of fun , and I 'll tell you about that , tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Took the girls to their schools this morning and won 't see them again for five days . I guess the break will make it a little easier to heal up from this darn cold , but we miss them anyway . The house always seems do empty when they 're not here , and far too quiet . Heck , even right now I have some music playing just to have some noise to keep us company . After dropping the girls off I took Jason to his appointment and pretty much just laid back in the van , so that I could relax as well as not be around too many people . I don 't think I 'm contagious but it probably is a good idea to stay a little isolated . After his appointment he came back to the van and asked me if I had anything planned for the day . I told him that I wanted to finish up cleaning the house and get the vacuum going on the carpet , other than that the only thing I wanted to get done was to cook that large turkey breast that was given to us . I wanted to get it done before it went bad and besides it took up a big chunk of the freezer . He said , " Good , I want to go see a movie , Lone Survivor . " So I said sure , there was no pressing issues otherwise . We first went home , where I fixed lunch ( it was about 11 : 15 ) and neither of us had a chance to have any breakfast , so we were both kinda hungry , and the movie wasn 't until later . The movie was done well , and I think told the story very well . I would recommend that if you want to see a movie , much like the quality of Saving Private Ryan , then this is an excellent candidate . If you 're a bit like me ( maybe even if you 're not ) it will break your heart , and at the end you will feel that emptiness that comes when you 've just said , " good - bye " to a dear friend , not knowing when , or if , you 'll see each other again . Jason was moved by this movie , more so than any other movie I 've seen him watch . Perhaps it was because so much was where he was , and involved some of the same areas he is familiar with . It really doesn 't matter , what matters is that it was a good movie and we both enjoyed it . The rest of the evening was spent just laying around the house . I did get to talk with Linda tonight for quite a long time . From that perspective it was nice being home alone , well , Jason and I were both there , but no one else running around . The turkey cooked up nicely and tasted better than I thought it would . I really didn 't know quite how to cook it , since it was just the breast of the turkey and not in any kind of real form , other than a GIANT filet . I cooked at at 350 degrees for a couple of hours and it came out better than expected . . . not bad for a guess . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Okay , we are now two weeks into the new year , and so far it seems like not much has changed , that is , with regard to our daily lives . I woke up feeling a bit better and after getting the girls to their pre - schools and Jason to his appointments , we came back home ( I 'll tell you more about the appointments in a moment ) . As we were getting ready to head back to the house Jason only had one more thing to do , and that was to get his prescriptions into the pharmacy , so that we could pick them up later , when we came back for Jackie . He asked me if I had anything planned and I said , " No , not really . I just wanted to finish up with the laundry ; get the floors cleaned ; head over to Target or Walmart to pick up the vacuum cleaner bags ; and , then get started on the rest of the house . Other than that I don 't have a lot to do . " He just sort of smiled and said , " Oh , so you don 't have much planned . " and chuckled . I said it was only about 10 hours worth of work , and I really wanted to get the house back in shape . Anyway , we just came back to the house and I got busy . After working for a little bit , I began to feel exhausted and realized I was starting to do too much , again . I laid down and napped for about an hour and then got up to head over to Target . I wanted to pick up a few things and was hoping they would have the vacuum cleaner bags , they didn 't . I came back and swept the floor and then mopped , and it was much nicer . We then took off to go pick up the girls and while I was getting Jackie ( with Stacy 's help ) , Jason was picking up the meds . We then headed over to Walmart , and they had the bags ! I was pretty happy , because otherwise we were going to have to order on line , and that meant another delay in cleaning the carpeted areas . The rest of the night was fun and relaxed . The girls were doing their best to help me with dinner , and then spending the evening with Daddy . I really enjoy the times they are with him , and I think they do too . Now , for his appointments ( told you I 'd get back to it ) - The first one was with his Nurse Practitioner , who does all the filling of his meds . It was a nice visit , and since she has moved down to the C5 area , it makes it a lot easier for us to get to her office . After that we went over to the other building where we ended up in the Dermatology area , it was closest , so we stopped there . I wanted to get a better feel for when Jason 's next surgery was going to be , and up to that point we simply had no new information . I spoke with the scheduling nurse and then pulled in one of the other doctors and she got on the phone with the other departments and we finally had a closer date . Tentatively set for February 20 . I told them that we need to start making some other plans , and that was a major aspect of the planning , so I needed to find out . Linda is planning on being down here around that same time , so we have to figure out where we are going to be and who is going to be going where . Anyway , it was nice to have a better idea , now we just have to hope it holds . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Posted by Woke up this morning feeling pretty good , though still not 100 % ( closer to 85 % I think ) , but good enough to get going with the day because Jason had his early formation call , and the girls needed to get to their preschools . With everything done and everyone where they needed to be I found myself with that rate moment of time , where I could call the VA . I did just that , I called and connected with a very nice receptionist who informed me that I needed to speak with someone else and attempted to transfer the call . Before doing so , she provided me with their extension , and I am guessing she did this because of what happened next . I sat on hold for about five minutes ( fortunately I had something else to do ) before I finally gave up . The phone simply rang and never rolled over to voice mail . Anyway , I called a little later , about 30 minutes , and this time I got through . The appointment was rescheduled to April , as that was the next available slot , open to me . Anyway , I didn 't have my hand even looked at , let alone operated on , so that will just have to wait until April now . The rest of the day was pretty slow , and I needed that , and by the end of the day now , I 'm feeling much better . Jason and I went over to visit with Anthony Netto ( Mr . Stand - Up - And - Play ) and had a very nice lunch with him . Funny thing is that a short while before we left a call came in from George Bowan , and it reminded me I needed to get in touch with him . I had intended to call him over this past weekend but with getting sick , I didn 't want to do much of anything for a couple of days . Anyway , they had a nice chat and we , Jason and I , got a brief up date on things , so I 'll be calling him probably on Wednesday , unless tomorrow works better for me . Tonight was great fun . It started as a regular kind of night , but then getting close to bed time I asked Stacy to help me with putting a few things away ( mostly their toys scattered about ) , and then Jackie decided to pitch - in . Then it became almost a game and pretty soon we were having all kinds of fun , cleaning up . I guess we were making quite the racket because Jason came out ( actually I think he was a little worried about me doing too much ) , and we were very soon done . It kind of rolled into their bedroom , and the four of us were all having a great time in the single room ; telling bed time stories and generally being silly . We were actually in the room , together , for almost an hour . It was , I think , the best " good night " for the girls we have ever had . I hope we can do it again . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a day that I didn 't even get out of my pajamas , and neither did the girls . I am not feeling well right now , though it is better than yesterday . I asked the girls to not come up to greet me this morning , and it turns out that I didn 't need too , as I was up before them and came down stairs before they were out of bed anyway . All I did was some laundry and watch football , well , okay , I just watched the 49er game . I wasn 't up for anymore football after that one , and I kind of figured that the Broncos were going to win the game against the Chargers - and they did . Jason had a nice laid back day as well , and the girls got to spend some time with him , which made me feel better . I got some of the clothes folded and even put away , and now I just have to get the rest done , at least now I have a wide selection of clothes for the girls . The young ladies from Serving Spoons brought dinner tonight ( they come once a month and today was their day ) , so I didn 't have to worry about that . They have brought some really tasty meals , so it is working out well for us . I really didn 't want to have to prepare dinner . I will be going to bed in a little while , and attempt to sleep through the night . Then take on the new day . I have a minor surgery scheduled tomorrow , but I don 't think it will be happening , as a result of this cold . I 'll be giving them a call in the morning to see what they say . Right now my hand is doing much better and only locks up on me at night and early morning . I can probably get along with the way things are anyway . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . The day started out with taking the girls to Gracie 's training class , maybe I should say Jason 's training class , anyway , the girls really enjoy the playground area , so it works out nicely . Jason is in the training class for a little more than an hour and that gives the girls plenty of time to burn off some of their energy . As it turned out there was another family there with three kids , and one of them was about Stacy 's age . They hit it off reallly well , and that made it that much easier . When we were done we headed back to the house , where the girls had a quick lunch and then got ready to go see Beauty and the Beast ( Disney on ICE ) . They were gone for about 3 1 / 2 hours , and that gave me a much needed rest , as I think I 'm coming down with a significant cold . I am hoping that it is under control by Monday , as I have surgery on my hand on Monday , for trigger finger . Bottom line is that I slept for a couple of hours and then got up and started moving around . Felt a little better , but not by much . The girls are going to be a little early tonight , in the hope that I can get some sleep . I hope tomorrow is a better day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive , We started the day early , with the intentions of going in to Balboa , and building 26 for Jason 's regular formation . I went in to make sure he was up and moving , at about 06 : 45 ( I 'm up showered and dressed ) and ask the regular question , " What shorts do you want ? " His reply was what was different . Jason said he had received a text message from his section leader and it basically told him he didn 't have to come in , unless he wanted to , and that the guys were going to be doing PT Basketball . Because he is in a power chair he really can 't play basket ball with the other guys , and besides , basketball has never really been his game . I immediately asked him if he wanted some breakfast , and he declined . He usually doesn 't eat breakfast until after 08 : 00 , and that 's what we targeted . As it turned out , Jason needed to go in anyway , to take care of some paperwork , so at about 10 : 10 we went to take care of that . Anthony Netto was flying back from Pennsylvania , and would be arriving at about 11 : 00 . We had plenty of time so we went to Balboa and then over to the airport . The next stop was to get some lunch and then go pick up the girls . Apparently they didn 't go in to school today so we didn 't need to head over to the respective preschools , and that was nice for us . We went to pick them up right after lunch and brought Anthony along with us . The girls like Anthony , so there was no worries there . In fact they were asking about going over to his place , because there is a nice park where they like to play , very close by . After dropping Anthony off , and then getting the girls back to the house I fed them lunch . It was now after 13 : 00 ( 1pm ) and they both showed signs of needing a short nap . Of course , I needed a nap too , and so it worked out for everyone . The rest of the day was simply the girls getting up from their nap and playing with their toys - They love their kitchen play area . We stayed up for a little while and then they were ready for bed . The interesting thing is that I feel like I might be coming down with something , so I plan on taking it easy for the next couple of days . We will be heading up for Gracie and Jason 's training , and the girls will be playing at the park , but I believe I can get through that . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today started at a different pace , as we didn 't have to get up for anything in particular . When I went down to see how Jason was doing , and to get him breakfast , he told me that he did need to get over to Balboa , but it could wait to a little later . After all , it was only 07 : 30 and besides I wanted to get a nice ride in . I went for a nice 15 mile ride , and I 'm feeling better about the rides all the time , so I guess it is just a matter of time before I build up my stamina again . Anyway , after the ride I cooled down a bit and cleaned up , then Jason and I went to take care of the business at Balboa . As it turned out , there really wasn 't much that he needed to get done , but because he was contacted he wanted to get it taken care of . He is very dedicated to being a Marine and he has a strong reputation for doing whatever is asked of him . When we were done , I needed to get over to the VA office and take care of some paper work of my own , and fortunately the office is close to Balboa . Once done there we went to the pet store and picked up some food for Gracie , then headed back to the house . The rest of the evening was spent at home resting , and me doing a little organizing work on the garage . We decided to check out a new hamburger place that just opened up , The Habit , and we were pleased with what we found . The prices aren 't too bad , and the food is good . About the only down side is that I didn 't notice much for the kids , so we won 't be heading back there when we have the girls . That 's pretty much it for the day . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Early start to today 's activities ; Jason had a 07 : 30 formation . Unusual for mid - week , but still something we have gotten used to dealing with . The girls got up this morning with only minor protest . Actually Jackie was up and raring to go while Stacy pleaded to get more sleep . Because of that I got Jackie up first and then went to work on getting Stacy to move . Still , we managed to get down stair with clothes on , hair brushed , and time for breakfast . I finished getting my shoes on while they ate , and then helped Jason to get Gracie ready . Actually , we were at the base with plenty of time ; Jason was dropped off and then Jackie was taken to her day care preschool . The next stop was getting Stacy over to her preschool , and that just about gets me back to the house . I went to the house and since Jason was going to be doing his Marine thing I went for a bike ride . It was a modified version of my ride along the harbor , and I would have liked to modify it more , but I was worried I wouldn 't be back soon enough . After my shower and heading back over to the C5 clinic at Balboa Hospital I found that Jason was still in his last appointment . I guess I would have had time to go that extra part of the ride . Oh well , maybe I can do it tomorrow . Jason doesn 't have any appointments tomorrow , but we do have some chores to get done , so I will need to get out early for the ride . I 've also began doing another exercise that is supposed to be beneficial , as it sort of does a bunch of isometric type exercises , and you have to do it all at the same time . Right now I can go for about a minute , with a goal of getting up to two or more . You just have to do it every day , though you can make some modifications so that it doesn 't get too boring . The rest of the day was spent at the house . I did a few chores around here and Jason rested . I fixed a nice dinner of chicken with baked potato and mixed vegetables . The chicken came out much more moist than I thought it would , so I was very happy . I went to talk with Jason , while he was eating and he let me know that he had found a few more properties that he wants to look at , so we just might be doing that in the near future ( my guess would be Wed . or Thur next week ) . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Not much to talk about today , as it was a slow starter and there really wasn 't a great deal of movement in any one direction . The girls slept in until after 07 : 00 , and then I started cooking French Toast . I was actually a little surprised with the fact that Jackie didn 't seem to like the French Toast , yet Stacy did . Usually if there is something that Stacy likes , Jackie is going to be right there . Oh well , tomorrow we 'll simply have Cheerios and leave it at that . I know both of them do like their Cheerios . We took the girls to their respective classes and then Jason had some things to take care of on the base . That took us a couple of hours , and it was mostly paper work that had to get done , with some updates . We were on our way back to the house , well before noon , and Jason said he would like to get some lunch and then take care of the dressing change . I fixed him his lunch and at the same time told him that we needed to get tot he store to stock up on a few things . By the time he was back in the bed , after the dressing change , I was ready to go for a short ride ( not quite 8 miles ) . About a half hour after Joselyn got there we were off to go pick up the girls and then to Costco . The girls considered this a great fun activity , and I enjoyed it , too . Not too many people , and we found everything we needed . Tonight I prepared some salmon and rice for dinner , and the girls really like the salmon . Tomorrow we have to be up early , so the girls were in bed a little earlier than usual , but not by much . Apparently there is a need to have all the Marines at formation tomorrow , at 07 : 30 so we have to get the girls to their classes right after I drop Jason off . My guess is that the early formation is a result of somebody doing something they shouldn 't have , and so they are calling everybody in to talk about it . Actually , this is the first such formation in over two years , so it hasn 't been too bad , and we 'll find out exactly what , tomorrow . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . January 6 , 2014t Today is kind of like the first day of the new year , and actually it is the first Monday of 2014 . Those first five days were sort of a getting used to the idea of a new year and not really focused on doing to many of the things we need to . Today , however began like so many of the other Mondays , with Jason needing to get to his formation and then some sort of a training period . On the bright side , the training didn 't take very long and we were getting back over to C5 to visit with CMDR Ledyard , and taking a moment to wish her a prosperous new year . She is going to be retiring soon ( later this month ) so she won 't be around much for very much longer . Anyway , we visited for a few minutes and then we were on our way . Jason asked me if I 'd like to go to the movies , and see 47 Rhonin . It is a new release and most of the critics don 't like it , so I figured it was probably going to be a good movie . It had some of the Asian fantasy characters and magic , and some excellent costumes . The characters could have been developed a little more but in general it was a good movie , I thought , but hey that 's me . Funny thing is , this was the first time that we went to the movie and Jason didn 't buy popcorn ; and , that was good as far as I was concerned . There is an update on Jason getting his own vehicle ! We received an email from The Nice Guys , and they are wanting to help Jason get the vehicle he wants . Jason is wanting a pick up , and it will have to have a special lift mechanism that allows him to pull up to a platform ; the platform lifts him up and places him behind the wheel ; and , he simply drives off . Now we just have to see exactly what is going to be done , and how long will it take for this vehicle to become real . The rest of the day was kind of relaxed . I went and picked up the girls at around 15 : 30 ( 3 : 30pm ) . First thing they asked was " Where 's grandma ? " I explained that she had to get back to the house up in Livermore ; and , then after getting back to the house they asked , " Where 's Joselyn ? " I explained that she had to stay home today because she wasn 't feeling well . It all worked out and the really good news was that the TV was never turned on , for broadcast or for watching a video . They were playing with their toys and using their own imaginations . Dinner was simple and Daddy read them a couple of stories , then it was bed time . At bed time Stacy got a bit silly , and so Jackie jumped right in to be just like her big sister . Pretty soon the room was very noisy and full of laughter . I figured it was okay to let them be happy and silly for a little while . I just didn 't want to have them get too wound up , otherwise they wouldn 't go to bed . I told them another couple of stories and we sang two songs , and then it was lights out . It is always so good to have the girls around , though it is much easier with Grandma around too . . . ; - ) Not sure what is on the agenda for Jason , tomorrow , as we did discuss it , and now he 's asleep . My guess is that we 'll be taking the girls to their respective schools and then take care of a couple of small chores . I want to see if I can get a bike ride in and then some straightening up of the garage . I have a few other things to do as well , and then head off to get the girls back home . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . We all got up early this morning . . . I woke up and looked at the clock ; realized that we didn 't have a great deal of time ; and , quickly got Linda up and moving . We had been invited to go to the Grace Presbyterian Church , up in Vista , by Tom and Carol Lightner , and we didn 't want to be late . Linda and I got up and started to get ready , and dressed . I went down stairs to make sure Jason was awake , and it was a good thing , he was asleep . Fortunately it really doesn 't take him too long to get up and dressed , so we were okay . We didn 't need to worry about eating as we were also invited to go to brunch after church . We drove up to Vista , up to the Lightner 's place and then on over to the church . The drive up was faster than I first thought it would be , and that was good because my GPS decided to take us the wrong way , at just about the end of the drive . Fortunately we had been there before and I did remember some of the way to their home . I had to call Tom and ask for a little help , and that still got us to the house earlier than we needed to be . The drive over to Grace Presbyterian was relatively short , and it was good to visit . The folks there are great and Pastor Tom gave us a very nice greeting . After church we went to brunch and had a great time . It was at their country club , and there were several television sets with the San Diego Chargers game going . Honestly , it wasn 't a game I was too concerned about , but it was still interesting to see , and the food was quite good . It gave us a chance to catch up with Tom and Carol , and Jason was having a good time , too . Linda and I really feel like there is a solid connection with folks like Tom and Carol , so we truly had a great time . After Brunch we got a chance to meet a few of the folks at the club house and Jason even spoke with the general manager about the paragolfer - he seemed very interested . We visited for about 10 - 15 minutes and then headed back home . Linda was flying out later in the day and we wanted to make sure there was plenty of time to pack , as well as take care of anything else that might come up . Back at the house , Linda was feeling a little sleepy so she asked me to wake her after a short nap . Jason was ready for his shower , so it all worked out nicely . It also happened to be about the time the 49er game got started , so I had an incentive to get everything done . I had the game on , but only got to watch clips of the first quarter - it looked very promising . Once Jason was comfortably back in his bed I fixed him a little plate to snack on and then I could just sit down and enjoy the game . Green Bay finally got things going and turned it into a really good game . I was very happy with the out come , though , and especially since it was a good game . Linda got up after her nap and finished packing . We took care of a few things around the house , and then we just sat on the couch for a little while , enjoying each other 's company . We talked a little about what our plans are and I think things are going to be very good for 2014 . Linda finally had to get going so I put the suit cases in the car and we loaded up to get to the air port . Linda , mom , said good - bye to Jason and we headed off to the airport . I dropped her off and came back home , expecting her to call me when she finally arrived back at the house . I did , however , receive a phone call from a friend who is going to be picking her up . Karen wanted to know if Linda had gotten to the airport and also if I was aware of the delayed flight . I wasn 't so she let me know the flight was over two hours delayed ( due to a problem in Chicago ) . Linda finally did give me a call , to let me know about the delay , and I asked her to contact Karen . Everything turned out and now , at 06 : 00 tomorrow morning I will be giving Linda a call to wake her up . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Jason had a good day today , and we even went for a ride , out in the country side . Of course , around here that means you basically can only go in two directions . . . North or East . The other two directions will get you to Mexico or out in the Pacific ocean . Anyway , it was something kind of different and it was fun to get out and explore a little bit . We were gone for about three hours and the effort was a bit of a load on Jason , so after we got home we had a quick lunch and then he went to sleep . The rest of the day was spent with Linda and I making a quick trip to Target and then the rest of the day was spent at the house . We even had a simple dinner of soup and sandwiches for dinner , and it was nice . We still had some of the ham from the Honey Baked Ham left over and it made a couple of very nice sandwiches . We also sat back and watched a movie , something we always enjoy doing , and won 't be able to do again until she comes back down ( or I have to go up north for some reason ) . All the decorations are down , and put away - the put away part is usually the slowest part . Now it is a matter of moving on into the new year and seeing just what we can accomplish . We 'll be going to church in the morning , and in fact , have been invited to brunch with some friends after . Not sure what else will be going on , other than Linda will need to head on back up to Livermore by the end of the day . It was been extra nice having her here for these past couple of weeks , so I guess I got a little spoiled . Jason and I will need to get back into our routine again , and that shouldn 't be too difficult , I hope . Thank you , all for all the continued prayer and support . Take care and stay positive . Nice day today , with a formation in the morning and a very relaxed evening . Miss the girls , though they will be back , so we 'll just have to deal with that . After formation , Jason and I came back to the house and picked up Linda so we could head over to the Original Pancake House . It isn 't too far away and we all like the food there . Once that was done we headed back to the house so that Jason could get his shower in and I could change the dressings , and then Linda and I were to head off to Wal - Mart ( actually about the first time I 've been to a Wal - Mart this year ) . Another thing that I didn 't mention was that prior to heading out to do some shopping , we took down a bunch , almost all , of the Christmas decorations that were left . Tonight we ate Linda 's stew , and it was great ! Jason had a big bowl and Linda and I used two slightly smaller bowls . Of course we also had seconds , so we made up the difference . . . ; - ) One thing that I like to do is to spice it up a bit , and added some hot sauce to the mix , and I think it was a great flavor enhancer . No one else seems to think the same way as I do , but heck , that 's nothing new . The rest of the evening was spent just sitting back and relaxing . Tomorrow we will be getting up and I 'll be fixing some French Toast . After breakfast we plan on going out and taking a look at some property . Linda has only seen pictures and she would like to see just what it is that Jason is looking at , and possibly wanting to settle down with . Thank you , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . Today was a pretty exciting day , and also a bit of a downer day . The downer part was related to the fact that the girls went away for a few days ( we get them back on Monday ) . The exciting part was that we had a great deal of fun with them , while they were here , and they even helped to take down a bunch of the Christmas decorations . Of course , because it is military housing we really only had a limited amount of decorations we could put up , but we still had a great time . The other exciting thing was that Scott , the Gary Sinise Foundation project manager for building Jason 's house , sat down and talked with us . As you might imagine , most of the conversation revolved around Jason and his needs , but it was still nice to be a part of the conversation , and I enjoy getting my two cents in there , when it is appropriate . As the house develops I will be putting more of it in the blog , but for now just be aware that we have begun the process , and depending on a number of factors it could take the better part of a year to get accomplished . The other two things that happened today , that I consider positives , Linda made us some stew ( I already had some of the broth and it was great ) and Jason , Linda and I went to the movies . We went and saw Saving Mr . Banks . It was a movie that Linda wanted to see and I had heard some good things about it , so I was open to seeing it ; and , Jason went along just because I think he wanted to get out of the house for a while . As it turned out , both Jason and I were laughing at some of the humor in the movie and enjoyed the history immensely . After the movie I told Linda that it was an excellent choice and we were all glad to have seen it . I would recommend it for anyone , especially the history buffs out there . Thank you , for all the continued prayers and support . Take care and stay positive . What a great start to a new year . We were up kind of late last night , though we didn 't make it to midnight . The girls were up with us until close to 23 : 00 ( 11pm ) and then began showing serious signs of being tired and needing to go to bed . We thought that since the girls had gotten to bed so late that we could figure on them sleeping in a little . Well , that 's about what we got . . . At 07 : 10 this morning Jackie was up poking Linda and asking if she was awake . Obviously we both opened our eyes and Linda helped Jackie on to the bed . A few minutes later Stacy came running into the room and immediately jumped up on to the bed and landed with both knees right on Grandpa 's belly . . . " Good morning ! " So much for sleeping in . We ended up playing with the girls for about 10 minutes and then we all got up . Grandpa was making pancakes for breakfast ! The rest of the day was fun , and even productive . Our son David and his wife , Miriam bought us FitBits for Christmas so I got them set up , today . Well , at least I got mine set up . Linda is going to be able to use it right now , but not be able to track the data until she sets it up with her computer at home . That 's okay , she can still track what is going on , and we can compare results on a regular basis . Right now it looks like she actually takes more steps than I do , so I guess I need to " step " up my activity . As for beginning the new year , Jason 's wounds are looking better than ever , and in fact , most of them have closed up . There is still one section that still has some closing to do , but even that is better than it has been , ever in the past . Gracie is doing much better as well , and hardly shows any sign of limping , or having any problems with her leg . This is a year Jason makes some major steps at gaining more independence , and Jason is looking forward to getting his own vehicle , as well as possibly moving into his own home . I will do my best to keep up with the blog , and everyone will continue to know what is going on . Perhaps I can get started on my book again and see if that can start to become a reality . Thank you , all , for all the continued support and prayers . Take care and stay positive . |
We were back at school for the 2nd semester . I got a job cooking for children at this orphanage that looked straight out of Dickens . They were completely ungrateful , as I didn 't make them macaroni and cheese for every meal . I wasn 't just there to keep them fed , though , I had to keep them protected from some bad guys . I made some friends among the other workers there , one of them was a guy who always wore a trench coat and a fedora . One of my best friends there was dating this guy too . He broke some rules , and made himself an enemy of the place 's management , who made some deals with the aforementioned bad guys with guns who were always milling about . This guy with the fedora was to be shot on sight . So we all started wearing fedoras . I had to go to classes too . My gym class was in the individual exercise rooms , not the tennis courts . We had to work on our upper body strength . These thugs started following me and my friends to my classes . German literature promised to be very interesting , we were going to be reading science fiction , and we had a field trip planned . For Buddhism , I was supposed to have done this workbook , but I hadn 't . It was the first day of classes , so I didn 't even have the workbook . I 'd started carrying a gun . One day I was eating in Seacobeck and noticed the bad guys at the door . I snuck out ahead of them , wearing my fedora , and ended up in a room filled with people I didn 't know . The room looked like the Combs lobby . Half of the people in there were wearing fedoras . I supposed more people had heard of whatever - his - name - was than I thought . I sat in the corner with my back to the entrance . I pulled my hat down over my face . I heard the guys enter , and turned around to notice one of them pointing a gun at me . He was the only one armed . I took out my own weapon and pointed it at them . His 2 friends seemed a little alarmed , and they told me that I wasn 't allowed to have a gun on campus . I looked around at the room and snorted . " How many of you people are carrying guns ? " All of those wearing fedoras , anPosted by It was the morning of the first day of classes . I didn 't have class til 11 , so I got up at 8 : 30 . I spent an hour or so talking to Matt about Spongebob before deciding to get ready for class . The shower was unavailable , so I still had to wait . I waited and waited . We weren 't in our same apartment by the way , we were in the same old building that looked vaguely like Taunusstrasse 8a , except my room was much bigger and had more impressive windows . We had a patio in almost the same place as the UMW apartment , so while I was waiting I took a walk . The door didn 't lead to a parking lot , but instead to a huge expanse of grass and a forest . I was certain I was alone , but I didn 't realize I wasn 't wearing anything but my underwear until a bunch of girls came over the hill to yell at me . " This is the last time we let you get away with such indecency ! " I didn 't recall ever doing this sort of thing before . The one who accused me clarified that she was talking about the time I wore a short skirt outside . I was still in my underwear , and I excused myself to go inside . One of the girls mentioned to me that it was after 11 : 00 , and I was going to miss class . I went inside , and was able to get dressed and 20 minutes of class left . I wasn 't able to shower . But this building was further from Combs than the usual apartment . By the time I got there I had indeed missed class . So I went to Herr Rotter 's office to apologize and ask what I missed . He wasn 't in his office , a woman was . She told me to go through the double doors at the end of the hallway and then go left . This part of Combs didn 't exist before winter break . I went through and found the office she spoke of . It was barely bigger than a closet ( figures they 'd do that to Herr Rotter ) . Rotter wasn 't in there either , but there was a girl about my age sitting at the desk with her back to the door . She identified herself as his assistant , and said she 'd give me the work I missed . First I had to take the quick quiz Herr Rotter had given , it was a single question about the dative casePosted by I got a letter . But I hadn 't picked up the mail , Madeline had , and she 'd thrown the letter away thinking it was somehow related to me getting bad grades , or a terrorist attack , I can 't remember . But she thought the letter was somehow bad . I yelled at her , saying that it might have been my paper graded by Niebuhr . Mom took Madeline 's side , saying that I should 've checked the mail if I thought I was getting something . The next day I checked the mail myself , and found a hand - written envelope for me . The letter inside invited me to this creepy house for an interesting academic opportunity . I went to check it out . There were a lot of other people my age there . As you might have guessed , this was a school for magic , and I was to be a magician . I made a bunch of friends , but I don 't remember what magic I learned . I still talked to Reece online often . I wanted to go to the playgrounder meetup . I told my sister that I wanted to go to this sushi place in order to trick her into taking me there . I told her I wanted to take some of my new friends from the magic school along as well . Reece was pretty ok with it , Madeline agreed to it . After the meetup , Reece was going to come back with me to visit my new apartment . One of my almost - friend - acquaintances named Tom asked to go with us . I apologized and said that there was no room in the car . We stopped at a hotel on the way to the meetup . It was also an old , creepy house . It kind of looked like Taunusstrasse 8a , but bigger . Once I settled into my room with my roommate from magic school , I called my parents . They were kind of annoyed that I was taking this trip , but I reassured them that everything was fine . It barely had an affect . After I hung up on my parents , I went downstairs to party with my friends . It was around 3 in the morning when I got to bed . My phone buzzed again . I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Tom . I answered the phone , and told him I was trying to sleep . He didn 't say anything for about 10 seconds , then he said " HA ! You are a grey magician now ! " and hunPosted by It was the night before my Relgions exam , and I fell asleep while studying . The exam was at 7 AM , so I had to get up at 5 . I got up at 4 to study more , I had to memorize a list of 5 rules for a nonexistent religion . One of the rules was to only wear sparkly clothes . I left at 6 without eating breakfast . My mother caught me and forced me to eat a peach before going to the exam . The actual test wasn 't in the dream , but the aftermath was . I didn 't fail the exam , but I don 't think I passed it either . First dream , I was challenged to a duel . The weapon was quarterstaves , and Madeline had to teach me to use one . Second dream , there was some kind of criminal investigation , and I had to cooperate with this PI . Puppies were involved . That is all I remember . If I remember more , I will edit it in . I was late for German Civilization . I had to be on time , or I would fail that class . So I caught the bus to get from the top of College Avenue to the bottom . College Avenue was much longer than it actually is , so it made sense . It also ran parallel to a river and some train tracks . The bus only had one stop on College Avenue , and it was closer to the top than I wanted . I met my mother there and told her I was going to be late , hoping she would drive me there . But Mom didn 't have a car . She started walking with me down the street , practically dragging me . We got on a train and went a little ways . Ahead of our train we saw a bright flash . It was a little confusing . Then we were kicked off for not having tickets , and started walking again . A bus was stopped perpendicular to the sidewalk , we didn 't try to go around it and just walked in one door and out the driver 's side door . Well , my Mom managed to . I couldn 't cross the bus before the driver came back and started the bus . The bus was a school bus , and it was filled with high schoolers . It began driving in the opposite direction that I wanted to go . I noticed a rocket on the train tracks , and thought oh , that 's what the flash of light was . Then I talked to the bus driver . He laughed at me , but then helpfully drove in the correct direction and dropped me off at Combs . I was 5 minutes late to class , but Niebuhr listened to my story and didn 't fail me . I went back to the table I sat at . The arrangement of this classroom was like an elementary school , there were small tables instead of desks , and they each sat four people . Erin , Meredith and some chick from my digital storytelling class were sitting at mine . The girl with no name asked me if I was nervous about the online test I was supposed to do for today . I was surprised that this had been an assignment and started freaking out . Mer asked me if I 'd brought all of the pop quizzes we 'd been given . Erin asked me if I 'd done the workbook . I started panicking , and said that I just need a B in this class oh crap . Erin lookedPosted by First dream , I got my paper back in History with a B + . But still with comments that a bunch of my content was superfluous , my title was stupid , and he didn 't like the pictures I added . I woke up and was relieved I hadn 't received my paper yet . Second dream , Adrienne and Erin and Meredith decided we needed to go on a trip , so they bought plane tickets for all of us , plus Stephanie . I didn 't know where we were going , but I suspected Berlin . While we were pressing through the airport ( a very strange - looking airport , all of the hallways were made of twigs and all of the windows overlooked a river ) I realized that I had to go to history today to turn in the book assignment . Erin told me I had to call Ross , and she handed me the phone . I asked Ross to break into our apartment , grab my paper off the printer to hand it in , and see if he can grab my research paper for me as well . Ross gave me a brief lecture about missing class before saying he would do it . Third dream was Gunnerkrigg Court . Because of the current fight they 're having , Reynard has the power to leave his doll body . He takes over the body of a strange man in a black hat adorned with a feather . I was fighting ninjas with a team of people . Because I don 't know who they were , I 'll codename them Meredith , Erin , and Matt . These ninjas were trying to steal something precious from us , I think it was a DVD of some Disney movie . Matt had a dart gun , Meredith and Erin and I only had our wits and our amazing parkour skills . We chased them over the roofs of buildings , up and down , through courtyards . I began to recognize scenery from Disney movies . We ended up in a place that looked like Agrabah , except with some buildings from Mulan thrown in . We still had to fight the ninjas . I was momentarily distracted by a band randomly placed in a corner of this yard . Suddenly the ninjas turned into genies , and I was killed and turned into a ghost . I was completely invisible to my friends , but I managed to communicate by stealing one of the instruments from the band . They had to find and defeat the ninja / genie / whatever who killed me so I could return to life . I was taking my history exam . The short answers were really easy , so I finished them in about 5 minutes . But then the professor told me that if I handed in my work on looseleaf it wouldn 't count , and I had to have a blue book . I dug around in my backpack and found a rather beat up one . I copied my short answer questions , then started on the IDs . They weren 't IDs anymore , they were matching , but they were still really hard . I looked at the clock and realized I only had 20 minutes to do the essay portion of the test , which is half of the test grade . I looked at the essay question , and was completely bamboozled . It was about one of the books , which I hadn 't read for some reason . Then I " woke up " , remembered that the test was a take - home test and that it was due TODAY , and I still hadn 't done the essay . I had an hour . I forced myself not to used the internet to find the answers to everything . And just now I get the chance to . So I don 't remember too much . = ( I was hanging around my house on a Saturday . Both of my parents were there , and everything was quiet . I said " We should go to Berlin . " My mom said " Ok ! " like I 'd just suggested we go see a movie . We got on a plane for a quick daytrip to Berlin . I wondered why we hadn 't done this earler and my mom said " I have no idea ! " Berlin underground for some reason . We had to go down several flights of stairs from the airport , into a place that looked sort of like a subway station . We went to a pizza place for lunch . Then I woke up . I was at a mall , in a clothing shop , with my mother , my sister and Meredith . Somehow by looking at the jewelry we determined that this clothing shop was run by criminals , and the entire mall was owned by the mob . Then we learned from my mother that Marcone had infiltrated the government and was really behind the vampire war and the end of Changes . I was at a thrift store with my parents and Reece , and I wanted to try on some clothes . It was a skirt and a top . They had no changing rooms , so I went into the ladies ' room to try them on . There was a playgrounder meetup going on , and I really wanted to go but I was still sick . So I 'm in my room , hacking coughing and wheezing ( even in my dreams it won 't stop ! ) talking to Reece on IM since he was also unable to go . It wasn 't my room though , it was a bright room with yellow walls , and a window that looked out on a green field and mountains . I was pretty high up , the people outside looked very small . Across the field were some trees , mountains in the distance , and to the left of my window was a cliff . Then skype opens up and I get a call from the meetup . Sort of . There wasn 't any video , but someone had a phone and they 'd called me . The phone , I was told , was attached to someone 's backpack and that 's why the voices were faint . They were in the middle of rock climbing , up the face of a cliff . The playgrounders tell me that they 're coming to visit me . I look out my window , and see tiny people pop up onto the field from the left of my window . They went toward a small fest tent that appeared in the middle of the field . There were already people in the tent . I went outside to meet them . Right outside the house , there were some people I didn 't know , walking their dogs . There were 2 Irish Wolfhounds , the size of llamas , with spotless white coats . I hugged one of them and said that I wanted this type of dog when I got one , and Reece could have his Yorktese . I went around the house ( I 'd exited on the other side ) to the tent , and sat down with people . The Orells and the Hensons were there too , as well as everyone who 'd been at the MD meetup last October . Including the small children . I wondered how they 'd gotten safely up the side of the very high , very steep cliff . Then I woke up . It was the middle of the night . Adrienne and I went somewhere , to the playground or something , and we were discussing Doctor Who and how happy we are that 10 is gone . We came back a weird way that led us through several buildings and across a large grassy space , to end up behind the apartments . As we headed towards our buildings , it started to rain . This stressed me out . I ran over to my building , cried out to Adrienne dramatically as we separated , and instead of fishing my key out I swiped my card to get into the laundry room . Meredith was there . I decided to do some laundry too , and loaded my clothes into a machine ( without having to go back into the apartment to get them . ) Meredith got upset , because apparently she was washing all of the clothes in the world , and needed the entire roomful of machines . I apologized . Then I woke up . I was in Trinkle 204 , for some reason , chilling with my roomies . Suddenly I remember that I have to go take a standardized test ! Erin and Meredith both go " Emily , you should leave NOW ! We all have classes to go to . " I 'm like " Who will look after my laptop while I 'm gone ? " A blind guy with a puppy comes in and says that he 'll do it . I leave Trinkle and end up in the science hallway of Centennial . I go into the room where I used to take Chemistry , and I ask the person there if this is where I take the test . He looks very confused , but he says yes and hands me a sheet of paper . The paper says " Draw a fish . " and has a bunch of different drawings of fish on it . I leave the room . Erin is out there with Sunshine . She says " Emily , that 's not the room where you 're taking the test ! How on earth did you get lost ? ! " I 'm like " I know , I know ! " I go from the science hallway to the English one , into the room that was Wright 's room . There 's my chem teacher , passing out the standardized test . She glares at me for being late . I give her a paper slip with my name , my year and my major . The room looks almost exactly like the room where I took English , except the wall on the far side of the room that had a wall of boxes that looked like the mailroom . The teacher looks at me like I 'm crazy for not knowing this , and tells me to go put this slip in my box , though the slip is supposed to be an index card . I do this . I look at the other desks in the room , and see that they 're all freshmen ( in college ) . This test is taken by freshmen and seniors , I was the only senior who 'd signed up for this time . The other students look like they 're much younger than college students , maybe freshmen in high school . I 'm then told that I need to keep this class occupied while the teacher steps out . I go up to the front of the classroom , the other students look really young now , middle school aged . So I start to tell jokes about the first time I took this test , and quickly run out of material . Then I woke up . Merin ( Mer and Erin ) and I were getting ready to go somewhere , some kind of carnival I think . I was singing " She Don 't Use Jelly " by the Flaming Lips . I told Erin that I like the Ben Folds cover of the song better , and she told me she liked the original . Meredith complained that the lyrics make no sense . Then I texted Reece and told him that we were going to this carnival , and that I wish he was here . Suddenly he appeared next to me , in the doorway of the kitchen . He gave me a big hug . But then I received a text from Reece that read " : ( I wish I was too . " I kept receiving texts from him . I showed the texts to the Reece that was here , and he was also confused . At least , his face said so . He hadn 't actually spoken since arriving , and I hadn 't noticed ' til now that that was strange . We determined that this guy was a doppelganger and should not be . I didn 't want to destroy him though . I was deciding what to do when I woke up . FINALLY . I was complaining through IMs that no one commented on either of my blogs . Then a dragon commented on one of my posts . Another dragon commented on the same post , and there was a flame war between these two . Turned into a literal flame war when they decided to meet in Ball Circle to settle their differences . Me and Reece were at some kind of harbor markety place , waiting for someone to get off of a cruise ship she 'd been on . Reece started smoking , which startled me , and I was like " Dude , you 're putting poison into your body . " He glared at me and put out the cigarette , then we went to meet whoever we were meeting . I think it was Nicole , actually . When we found her , we discussed the Harry Potter movies . Then Erin came and told me to do the Wii fit . Then Erin banged on my window ' cause she 'd been locked out . I responded by turning over and ignoring it , then getting up again when I heard Chibi answer the door . Herr Rotter was teaching a class about anime . I was the only one taking it , but I had Alice help me with my homework . She was jealous of me for being in this class . She kept sending Rotter emails telling him he was doing it wrong , under the pseudonym " Pikachu " . After a while Rotter figured out it was Alice . I was taking a trip down to see my grandfather along with the rest of the family . Through a series of confusing cell phone calls we all ended up at this hotel for the night . The hotel looked more like a ski lodge , and had no rooms left , so we were stuck sleeping in the dining room . Madeline wasn 't with us , so we texted her and asked her where she was . She said she was busy saving whales with Will and couldn 't help us escape . Freaking alarm went off before it got really interesting . So I " woke up " and I went to German History , which instead of in Dupont was taking place in a room not unlike the lecture hall in Monroe , but much smaller . I was sitting on the right side of the room , and Jenn was sitting next to me . So it was kind of similar to Anthro in sophomore year . It turns out there was some homework that I 'd missed . I was supposed to do a reading , and answer some questions . The questions were to be answered in one word . And there was a test on the homework worth 50 % of my grade . He went over the homework after checking to see if we 'd done it , like we were in high school . Also like in high school , I hadn 't done my homework and was ashamed . I listened closely as he went over it , and copied down the answers discreetly . He handed out the test , and I forgot everything he just told us . So like Arabic . I got a C + on the test I took yesterday , and everyone else did equally poorly . So instead of having class , Niebuhr asked me to bring the Wii to class and any games I could think of . I brought the Wii , but didn 't want to embarrass myself playing DDR , and didn 't want to take Erin 's games without asking ( though it 's her Wii , and I didn 't ask about it . ) We played Super Mario . I had trouble sleeping last night , so when I finally dozed off 5 minutes after my alarm rang , my dream was about that . In the dream , I stopped trying to sleep and went out into the kitchen to get a cup of water . When I turned on the faucet , the fire sprinkler on the kitchen ceiling ( that is not actually there ) went off . My cup was suddenly on the floor directly under the sprinkler , where the heaviest stream was . I was trapped at the sink , so I yelled to Matt to fix this problem . He groaned from the hallway that he 'd shown me how to use the faucet last week , but he wasn 't expecting that the sprinkler had turned on . He started grumbling about how his fellow students ruin everything when suddenly the fire alarm was activated and we all had to leave . My alarm rang , I turned over and continued dozing . Once again I left my room and went to the kitchen , but there was a sign blocking my way . The sign looked like the ones from Seacobeck , and it warned me to stay out of the kitchen . One of the sodexho people stepped out of the kitchen to explain to me that the pinhole in our kitchen wall was a doorway to another dimension , and they had to fix it or the people over there would keep spying on us . I should explain here that in the apartment during summer school there was a tack in the kitchen wall plugging up a tiny hole that Mer and I joked was a camera . It is not in this apartment . Then I put on my roller blades and went to class . As I was skating home from class I ran into Adrienne and Stephanie . It suddenly started pouring , so we took refuge under the bell tower until it stopped , and discussed our classes . Once it stopped I kept skating back to the apartment , but when I entered the complex I noticed that it was full of horse trailers . My apartment had turned into Moonie 's barn , and my mother was there brushing him . She asked me how I got there . I explained that this was where I live , and she explained that the UMW apartments were moved 2 blocks down the street . Allison and I were grocery shopping at Wegmans and talking about classes . I made a bad joke about one of my teachers , and Allison laughed . I turned around and saw that the teacher was in line behind me . She gave me a look , then pressed a button on her cell phone . Police officers came and arrested me and Allison . We were taken to a judge and sentenced to a month in prison . The prison happened to be just around the corner from Wegmans . The prison hallway basically looked like the basement of Randolph , except with doors on both sides and everything was made of concrete . My cell was the last door on the right , Allison 's was the first on the left . I went into my cell and was quite surprised to find that it was about as big as my apartment . The walls and floor were the same grimy concrete as the hallway , but I had a queen - sized bed up on a platform , a television , a bookshelf , and a minibar . There was art on the walls . A barred window on the far side of the room led outside , and another on the back wall led to another person 's cell . I looked through the window and saw that my neighbor was a dude . His cell was much more standard , 9x9 with a toilet and a bed . He was on a cell phone and wouldn 't stop laughing . I asked him why my cell was so fancy , he shrugged his shoulders and ignored me . I looked underneath my bed and saw an ant the size of my big toe . I kept myself from yelling and found something to squish it with . When I did , I heard a loud growling shriek like a jaguar and woke up . Fell back asleep and in the next dream I 'd been let out of prison , sort of . I was taken to school in a prisoner carriage pulled by black horses . I had bright red shackles around my wrists . I met Reece at my apartment and he was disappointed because I 'd missed most of the time he had to visit me . Sort of ! First , I was walking around campus with Erin . We 'd just been at seacobeck and had to - go boxes . Campus was greener and had more hills than it does . It was sort of raining , which was putting me in a bad mood . I told Erin we had to go grocery shopping . Erin said that we didn 't , because she went and bought new food yesterday . I threw a fit like a five - year - old , whined that I didn 't like any of the food she got , and kicked my to - go box of seaco food off a nearby cliff . I apologized to Erin and went back to my room , which looked a lot like the room I sleep in at Grandpa 's house . I sat on the bed , grabbed a random book and read it . I noticed that the clock said 10 : 45 , and it was time to leave and go to World Religions , but I didn 't care and continued reading . I didn 't check the time again until 11 : 15 . Around : 45 I got kind of worried , ' cause I remembered that this was the second day in a row that I 'd skipped RELG101 ( not really , but in the dream . ) I decided to use the Epilepsy excuse , and headed over to Trinkle to catch the professor . Trinkle was different than it usually is , but I didn 't notice it . The ceilings were higher , the walls were whiter and clear of bulletin boards , and the huge windows were trimmed in gold . A large spiral staircase with a blue carpet let straight up to the door to room 204 . I vaguely noticed that there usually wasn 't a staircase there . The professor was talking to a bunch of other students . I apologized for skipping , and asked for a summary of what I missed . He gave me a little slip of paper that had all of the readings I was to do on it , and told me to read the syllabus . He asked why I didn 't come to class twice , and I said that my Epilepsy was acting up , and I 'd had seizures on both days . He didn 't buy it . I woke up before I had to think of a different excuse . Next dream , the actor who played Chewbacca had been murdered , and we had to follow clues hidden in the Expanded Universe books to find his body . It was in George Lucas 's basement . A second African Grey snuck into our house like a deck toad . He started stomping around the floor while I was at the computer , and I got annoyed because I thought it was Cyrus . Then I realized that another parrot was stomping around in the living room . Since they were both African Greys , which all look exactly alike , I was confused about which was which . I spoke to the one in the kitchen , and he started spouting intelligible English . I spoke to the one in the living room and he went " Ooo ! 4 , 5 , sssss " so I took that one and put him in his cage . The other one I had to find the owner for . I found its owner , but they were an evil cult that wanted to use the parrot in a ritual sacrifice . I had to save it , so I did . I didn 't know what to do with him though . I 'm pretty sure Erin O ' Neal was involved in the solution . First dream , I was outside the L . L . Bean side of the Columbia mall , except instead of restaurants and Macys and a parking garage on the one side there was this river . And where the parking lot begins was the shore of a large body of water . And where the fountain is was instead a small wooden building that looked like an information stand but was in fact a pizza place . Reece and Meredith and Erin were in there . I was walking along the outside of the building , looking at the water , when someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the mall . I shouted , nobody noticed . He went through a door I didn 't know existed and up a staircase and into a small room that looked sort of like the reception area of an office . Except instead of chairs and a desk there were 2 rows of little cots . To each cot was handcuffed a child , their ages ranged between 8 and 13 . Some of them had been visibly beaten . The man , who identified himself as " Chester " ( of course ) , handcuffed me to a larger bed . I said to him " I think I 'm a little old for you . " He sneered and left . I talked to one of the kids , who basically told me the obvious , that this guy was horrible to them . I gained super strength or something , because suddenly handcuffs weren 't a problem . I escaped from the room and ran down the hallway . I must have passed Chester , because he started chasing me and yelling at and threatening me with a gun . I ignored the weapon and called 911 . I was having trouble with my phone , it kept autodialing the numbers in my phone that began with 9 before I could press the other two digits . I ran out of the mall and around to the pizza place , with the guy right behind me . I finally reached the police and told them a kidnapper / sex offender was imprisoning kids in an office above the mall , oh and he 's threatening me with a gun , could you please come out here . They said they 'd be out there as soon as possible , and if I stopped being in danger could I please meet an officer at the front door of the mall at 4 : 00 ? I said yes and hung up . During the call I 'd been runPosted by It was exam day , and I was doing a lot of running in the hallways to get to my classes . The classrooms looked like the rooms in Centennial , but the hallways looked more like the basement of Chandler . I had a two part exam to turn in to Alan Rickman ( who made it clear to us that he was NOT professor Snape , when I pointed out that the name on his office door was Snape he gave me detention ) , the first part of which was due at 8 : 00 AM . It was a multiple choice exam . When we were done we were to tack the scantrons to the corkboard on the left side of the room , then return at noon to turn in the essay portion of this exam . The " essay " part was 2 questions . The first task was to write down everything I knew about Satyrs . I wrote that they were half - goat half - men , but that was all I could remember . I went down the hall to the library . The library was huge , like one you 'd see in a cartoon , with bookshelves going up to the extremely high ceiling . I went to the mythology section . The librarian who was helping people was the alien scientist guy from Titan A . E . He was very eager to help , and got me a book about Satyrs . It was a children 's encyclopedia . I revised my essay to note that they were depicted with wreaths of ivy around their heads , and that they were companions of Pan and Dionysus . Also that they were half - goats in Roman tradition , but in the Greek tradition they had horse tails . The second question was an arithmetic exercise . I had to add together a pageful of numbers and divide them by 153 . I don 't remember the answer . I had another exam with a different teacher between Rickman 's first and second exams . This exam took place in the bio 101 lab in Jepson . I had to write a brief essay about a music video that was playing on a loop at the front of the classroom . It was a Die Aerzte song I 'd never heard , and I found that exciting . Also for some reason Hugh Laurie was in the video . I noticed that the lyrics were clues to a mystery that I had to solve in order to save my family . But first I had to run over to Chandler to givPosted by So , Erin and Meredith and I had finished moving into our rooms . I invited Sunshine over , and Matt , and we were going to order pizza . Meredith insisted on inviting Titus , who brought over 7 of his closest friends . This of course annoyed me to no end , and I told Meredith that I wasn 't going to pay for the pizza they ordered . Meredith got mad at me and asked me why I wouldn 't be social . I explained that not only did I not invite them , I 'd invited Titus , but also that my money wouldn 't go that far . In a cartoonish display of childish petulance , we each crossed our arms and sat at opposite ends of the room ( for we were living in the same room ) facing the wall , with > 8 ( looks on our faces . Then Reece shows up , and we have to go grocery shopping because we had nothing for breakfast ! So we walked up to the Giant . I went to the bread section for bagels , but stopped at the cheap - baked - goods cart to see if they had any muffins . Reece said " Why are you looking for muffins ? That is why you hate yourself . " I said " I thought you might like some , silly ! " But they only had chocolate chip muffins , so we dismissed them . We went around the corner , where the shelves of bread are in the F - burg Giant , and found instead the kitchen in Bushnell . Reece disappeared to go somewhere . Erin said she was making pancakes . I asked her if she could leave the stuff out so I could make some when she was finished . She refused , because apparently I 'm super - unreasonable and picky when it comes to pancakes . I shrugged and glanced at the recipe , thinking I would make them anyway , even if she washed all the dishes first . Erin got annoyed with me and ordered me out of the kitchen . Around the corner I was back in the Giant . I ran into Meredith , and asked her if it was true that I was unreasonable about pancakes . She said it was , but wouldn 't explain how so . I was confused . Erin appeared again and explained that I can 't have pancakes because I haven 't finished my muffin . I looked at my hand and realized it had a half - eaten muffin in it , but I hadn 't bought onePosted by First dream , I woke up , went downstairs and got online , much as I have done this morning . I started getting messages from these people who said they were angels . One was trying to convince me to be evil , one was trying to convince me to be good , and one was just trying to help me do whatever . I couldn 't tell which was which . I blocked them all and got off the computer . As I was watering the plants and doing other morning chores , I started to hear voices and laughter in my head . They were bickering . I rolled my eyes and ignored all of them . I went inside and started making a sandwich for breakfast , when the bad guy from last night 's episode of Psych starts talking to me . I can 't hear him , because the " angels " in my head were trying to instruct me on how to make a sandwich according to Good , Evil and True Neutral instructions . All of them involved bloodshed somehow . Next dream . I had to research a person for a class . His name was . . . Anthony something , and he was Jewish , but that 's all I knew about him before I started researching . I went to the UMW library , which had changed a little . The computers by the reference area had been moved so that instead of the wall protecting the staircase , there were more bookshelves . I walked past the first bookshelf and found myself in a graveyard . I began looking for Anthony 's grave . I figured that it would have a star of David on it , so I was looking for that . I saw a classmate looking for her person 's grave . She picked one up that was shaped like the Star of David and lugged it back to the computers , which I could see from the graveyard . I gave up and went back to the computers to try Googling the guy . A search on Anthony brought me absolutely nothing . I did some skillful searching on the library website and found one book featuring the guy 's name . I got the book from the shelves and looked through it . I couldn 't find his name in the book until the last few pages . There was a page of Garfield comics , and the last comic on the page had Garfield talking about Anthony and his pet fiPosted by I had to go to the Giant to get cake mix . I had to take off my shoes to go into the store or I 'd wake up the puppies . See , the store was filled with sleeping puppies instead of groceries . So I traversed the Giant shoelessly and got some chocolate cake mix . My father had driven me there in his volvo , but he had to leave . He left the car right outside the door of the giant so I 'd have it . I got in the car , but I 'd never driven a stick before . The seat was too low and too close to the wheel , and the pedals were about the size of piano keys . There were cars behind me honking . I tried to adjust my seat and remove my shoes so I could hit the pedals with my toes . My feet were covered in dust from the store and kept sliding off the pedals anyway . An old woman came up to the window of my car and asked me if I needed help . I said I didn 't , though at this point there were tears in my eyes . The school decided that instead of apartments they were going to move us all into treehouses . To get to one house to the other we had to swing on ropes . We were distressed because we couldn 't play DDR in these houses because the floor was too delicate . I swung over to Alice 's room to discuss this . On the way back to our room I found a metal door . I thought this was odd , and went through . There was this huge , dark room filled with computers . And it was AIR CONDITIONED . I thought this was just spectacular . I went up to the only people in the room . They were all mad scientists , and they asked me if I wanted to help them create devices that would allow one to control objects with one 's mind . In return I would be allowed to have AC in my treehouse room . But I couldn 't tell anyone about it . This of course caused everyone to hate my secretiveness and envy my air conditioning . I told Erin and Meredith about it , and they were both unimpressed . There was a girl haunting a park I was at . The playground equipment was incredibly high up , and she 'd fallen to her death . The girl 's voice taunted me until I saved a bunch of people from the same fate . I went to talk to her . I was the only one who could hear her , so my family thought I was crazy . I missed breakfast with my family because I was talking to her , but then I went out to lunch with friends . It was Mel , David , Sheckells and I at the Spotsylvania mall . We wanted to get lunch . Sheckells insisted on ordering pizzas , 4 of them . I pointed out that there was a pizza hut right there in the mall , so there was no reason to call them , but Sheckells did anyway . We waited at the counter for our pizzas , but they were taking too long , so we jumped over the counter and went back into the kitchen . The kitchen looked kind of like the bio labs in Jepson , except there was an oven , and every table had at least 5 pre - made pizzas on it . These pizzas were all square and flat crusted , not what we wanted . The people in the kitchen were pretty mad at us for being back there , but since we 'd called ahead they couldn 't kick us out . I complained at them until they made us some proper round pizzas like the ones on the sign outside . I was walking from Seacobeck to my last class with Meredith and Sunshine . None of us were wearing shoes , which I found strange . I got to Combs , and had to use the restroom , but instead of the restroom there were a bunch of hospital rooms with toilets and beds in them and no doors . I walked through a maze of them until I found an empty one . I checked my watch . I was afraid that I was late to class , but then I remembered that it didn 't start until 10 : 15 . The class that was being taught in there right now seemed to be an art class . I got a phone call from my sister . I had to go grocery shopping . I told her I had a final exam , but she said that this was more important and I should meet her at the Giant ( the one in EC , not in F - burg ) . I did . The aisles seemed impossibly huge , and filled will all kinds of stuff I 'd never heard of . We came across my father playing some kind of cornhole - type game , but with large golden chess pieces . Apparently he was on a business trip that turned out to be the best business trip ever . Then we went to the park . Well , a park anyway , it didn 't look much like Centennial park except there was a lake . We met Kenan Thompson there . I fell into the water . I got too far underwater to get back out but I could breathe just fine . I found out that I had to stay in the lake for the next 10 years . I could come out of the water once a year , but I wouldn 't be free unless during that time I pulled someone else into the water . When a year passed and I could come out again , I noticed that my belongings would wash up onto the shore before I could get out . When I finally climbed out of the water onto a bank , I found some UMW freshmen messing with my wallet . Meredith was there , and I told her what happened . I pushed one of the freshmen into the water so I 'd be free . A year later I went back to that spot , which was on the UMW campus , you know , the part where there 's a lake . The chick I 'd pushed in came out of the water , I found her UMW ID card . She 'd apparently gone a little loopy while alone under there , because shPosted by I 'm sure there was more to it than this . I was on a field trip to a hardware store . I had to buy a flashlight . Then I had to do an assignment for linguistics , I had to read an article about language and report on it . There were 2 choices , one about how eating curry results in better language skills , and one about how building architecture is related to body language . I was partnered with this fellow who was way too chipper . Then the phone freaking rang and I woke up . I was tired of dieting , so I got a bunch of friends to break into a grocery store at night with me and steal a bunch of candy . It was ok , the manager was fine with it . Except he 'd switched up everything in the aisles and poisoned some of the bags of candy . He was standing there cackling evilly when we entered . In one of the aisles I found a baby snake . I picked him up to take him back to his home . It was a car ride to a lake , and in the middle of the lake was a house where the snake lived . I remembered a story that said a snake would refuse to go home if you took him there in a boat . So I got an inflatable raft instead . On the drive back I asked my parents if we could get fast food . They said no because we were on a diet . Then my father woke me up to check if my windows were closed because he had to turn the AC on . They were . I went back to sleep . There was some sort of Halloween celebration at centennial . There were shows , and everyone was in costumes . I forgot to wear one , so I picked up some fake vampire fangs . I was introduced to some people . My antisocial behavior started to tick them off . Then I found out they were the children of the guys in the band that was playing . In an attempt to get me to participate I was invited to go on stage and sing songs by The Offspring , and I did . Then I left . I had to walk home , but it was Centennial , so it was no big deal . Just a few minutes into the walk , a Mexican guy in a convertible drove by and offered me a ride . I said no thanks . He asked me to call 9 - 1 - 1 because he 'd broken his arm and needed an ambulance . I did . I told the operator where I was . I told her I was on century drive by Centennial High School , but she said they could tell from my cellphone that I was somewhere else . I looked around and noticed I was on a dirt path at the top of a hill . The guy in his car was nowhere in sight . A wooden sign at the side of the road said I was on the street she said I was on ( I don 't remember the name ) . It was still a close enough walk to my house from there . The woman pointed thPosted by There was some kind of cookout going on . It was a huge party , there were 5 grills going at once . I was hanging around , listening to my ipod , when I accidentally tripped over the wrong cord or something . A sprinkler turned on , a giant one that went up about 20 feet , and it doused my father 's grill . He got really mad , so I made myself scarce . Then I had a choice between hiding in my room and playing my gameboy , or going to a children 's talent show . The talent show featured a bunch of kids from St . Peter 's , so Kirk and MM were there . It also had the advantage of being right before a screening of the latest Pixar movie . However , I didn 't want to sit through it , so I asked MM to call me before the Pixar movie began . My mother , and Meredith , who was suddenly there , got mad at me for being antisocial . I was competing in some sort of contest with some kids who were younger than me . Oh right , it was a race through an obstacle course . We had to dive off of one precipice into the ocean , swim to a pirate ship , sail the ship over to a different cliff , climb it , and finally fight a lightsaber battle . I won . Then I went on a cruise ship with Mer , Erin and Reece . While on this ship I had to give my final presentation with visual aids . I hadn 't prepared a powerpoint , so I grabbed Meredith 's purse , rifled through it and found some nailpolish and nailpolish remover . I did my presentation on how to polish one 's nails . My audience was bored out of their skulls , so after I was done I went to the computer and through together a quick powerpoint about the Dresden Files , and gave that as a presentation instead . Then I went back to the cruise part and hung out with Reece next to a pool . Then I woke up . I was on a walk , and I passed a shrubbery . On top of the bush was a baby bird who was crying . I took it home and nursed it to health and put it in a jeweled cage locked with a teeny tiny key that I kept on a rainbow keyring the size of my pinky nail . A bit passed and the bird wanted out , so I gave it the key and it unlocked the door and went out . Then I was babysitting at this house , and I took the kids out to go shopping , and there was a shop full of pillows and I went in to take a nap . The kids went to the toy store across the way . When I woke up , I had no idea where they 'd gone . So I went looking for them , and came across my parents who told me that the bird had escaped and I was like " No , I let it go " and they were like " WHAT ? ! " They demanded that I give them the keyring , so I did . Then I continued looking for the children . I ran across the plot of Toy Story 3 , and learned about Lotso 's past . Moving on , I found a sandwich shop and ordered a BLT . I was followed shortly by my parents who mentioned that they 'd been here earlier and never received their order . The chick behind the counter explained that that was because they ordered something not on the menu . I was in a gift shop looking for some hair ties . The only ones I could find were are glittery , or had skulls on them . I picked some glittery ones , but before I could buy them my mother came in and told me it was time to go . Outside the shop was a cobblestoned street , it looked kind of like the Fussgangerzone . We went across the street to a restaurant to meet my dad and sister . Then we got in the car and went on a trip somewhere , we passed a large lake but that 's all I remember . I was texting Reece as we drove , and Mom got really angry at me . My sister told me not to stress out about it , but Mom was pregnant . Then I was freaked out . First I thought " That 's impossible . " Then I though " Wait , why is she keeping it a secret ? " Eventually I found out Madeline was yanking my chain , and I was so annoyed that I woke up . I missed giving my presentation today because not only did I find myself turning to stone like Amy in that Doctor Who episode , but I 'd also been bitten by a Red Court Vampire . I was also visiting with family , who seemed to not really care about my condition . The Ballards were there , too . We went out for pizza . I got on a train to Fredericksburg . There I coincidentally met my public speaking professor . I explained to him what was happening to me , showed him my stone arm and the cut on my finger where the Rampire had bit me ( which was somehow able to half - turn me ? ) . He was not at all sympathetic to my plight , and told me I could not make up the speech . I went and visited other public speaking classes and asked those teachers whether they would have let me make up the speech . Some said yes , some said no . In one class , a girl ran from the sight of me . In another , a boy had a cut on his leg and I was unpleasantly overcome with a desire to bite him . I went back on the train to talk to my professor . He then said I could make up the speech if I could get off the train . The train was going really slowly , he jumped off and started walking beside it . But I was already half - way turned to stone and couldn 't jump off the train . I think I don 't want to give this speech . First , in the dream , I almost slept through my public speaking class . I only woke up when someone banged on my door , a guy who I knew in the dream but I don 't think exists in real life . He was short , and had black hair . I panicked and texted my professor . He didn 't have my number , so didn 't know who I was , and I forgot to sign the text message . He addressed me by a few playgrounder names that weren 't mine . I told him I was sorry for sleeping through class yesterday and that it wouldn 't happen again . He reminded me that I didn 't have class yesterday . It was raining heavily outside , and I didn 't think I had time to walk to class . The guy who 'd woken me up gave me one of those candles from the movie Stardust , and I wished myself into Combs . I landed in the stairwell between the first floor and the basement . It was as black as night outside . I went up the stairs to the classroom . I went in , and asked the professor whether I had a good topic for the persuasive speech . He just looked at me and told me I couldn 't use visual aids . Then he started writing anagrams on the whiteboard , and I left the room . Then I was playing soccer with some African guys , except instead of a soccer ball we were using 3 pingpong balls , so the only resemblance between the game and soccer was that there were two goals , and only the goalie could us their hands . Then I went to dinner at Seacobeck with my family from this past weekend . So , I was trapped in this room with my family . We and some other people had been imprisoned by a mobster . A mob boss , actually , and my brain kept calling him Johnny Marcone , but his disregard for civilian life made me think otherwise . No one ever referred to him by name . So we had to escape . The room we were in had these big display windows , and smaller windows along the bottom of the wall . The big windows had alarms on them , but the smaller ones didn 't . There was a table pushed up against the wall in a corner , so I went underneath it and broke one of the small windows so that the glass would be hidden by the tablecloth . The window opened onto a small grassy space which sloped down into to a forest . I snuck around the building and started running through the streets of this random town . The building my family was trapped in was tall , and castle - like . The streets of this town were cobblestoned . I ran into some guys I thought were cops , but they were security guards , and they worked for the mob . They took me back to the castle , and not - Marcone gave me a lecture about sneaking out , said something like he was keeping us there for our own safety . Then he locked us in a different room . This room had a blue , plasticky carpet , like the kind used in classrooms . There was a clock in the corner , a standard wall clock leaning up against the wall , ticking loudly . My mom was acting like it was a big deal that we kept this clock unbroken . There were windows on one wall , this time high up and unreachable , and perpendicular to that wall was a door on rails , like my closet door at home . I tried to open the door , but there was someone outside , a woman wearing sunglasses and a blond ponytail , and she started shooting at me . The bullets went past me and hit the clock my mother 'd been trying to keep whole . Not - Marcone came in again and said he 'd kill one of us if we broke something else . He left , and I suddenly noticed that on one table there was a bunch of craft supplies . I started drawing with glitter pens . Then I looked up and saw tPosted by I was walking Ralph around the neighborhood . I walked him up Century Drive to Centennial Lane without realizing that he didn 't even have his leash on him . There was no sidewalk , and Centennial Lane looked like Jefferson Davis Highway , so we were going to have to be super careful . On the corner of Century and Centennial , instead of that large wooden sign with Century on it , there was a really steep grassy hill , with a house on top of it . " Mound " would be a better word than " hill " . It was very smooth and round , and the grass on it was very green . Some guy , an old man , came down the hill holding a yellow leash with black and white paw prints on it and offered it to me . I accepted , and he walked with me some of the way , asking me if I was back from school , what my major was , etc . We had to walk single file next to the road , there was no sidewalk and the ground on the other side of the curb was outrageously steep . I was walking faster than he was , and was a few feet ahead of him . He said something about the road we were walking on . I didn 't hear him because of the traffic , so I asked him to repeat . He said something like " you young people never listen ! " and disappeared . I was concerned because I still had the leash he had lent me . The hill on the side of the road suddenly turned flat , and the houses were now on level with the street . I turned onto a little road to get off of the highway . There was a blue fence with a hole in it next to the first part of this path , and Ralph went right through the hole in the fence . I followed him into a backyard that looked similar to ours , but the house was very different . Ralph bounded right up the deck and went inside . I was slightly horrified and went after him . The room we went into looked like the front room of our house , with all of the old lady furniture . There were some ladies in there with other dogs . Ralph greeted the dogs , the women offered me tea . I noticed that all of the other dogs had eyepatches . Ralph had an eyepatch too . He was also limping a little , so I looked at hisPosted by I took an afternoon nap from 1 : 00 to 3 : 00 . I woke up around 2 : 25 and tried to force myself back awake , but I decided I could sleep the full two hours , because after all , Meredith wouldn 't come back til 3 anyway . So I fell back asleep , like a log . I hadn 't slept well the night before . Then I had a funky dream . You can tell , because I 'm here . In my dream , I forced myself up , and walked groggily to the kitchen for something cold and caffeinated to wake me up . In the hallway , I began to fall asleep again , and fell to the floor . I couldn 't get myself back up . I tried to move , and found it impossible . I thought it might be some kind of weird seizure . But then I " woke up " again . Once again , I forced myself up , this time heading over to my computer . I stopped at the desk chair , and had to hold it to keep from falling to the floor again . Then suddenly I was standing next to my bed , looking at the space between my bedside table and my bed , wondering why it didn 't look like the floor . It turned sideways , the room sort of melted and I realized I was still lying down on my bed , and the reason the floor hadn 't looked like the floor was because I 'd actually been awake for a while and was looking at the wall on the opposite side of the room . This revelation caused me to wake up for real , and get myself out of bed . First , Meredith had befriended this giant Kevin - like bird . He was frightened of me , and convinced that I would hurt Meredith , so he attacked me every chance he got . Luckily for me he couldn 't fly , so I was able to save myself by sitting at the top of a pit while he ran around at the bottom . I was preparing to go to the party today , but suddenly there was a scheduling conflict , as Meredith was performing in a play at 1 : 00 . So I got excited about that , I 'd get to put on a dress and everything , but then I told my mother about that and she was very frustrated , because I would have no way to get to the party . Something was arranged so that Madeline would pick me up when the play was completed , oder was , and I went to see Meredith . But the entire performance was just this one guy sitting on a stool with a guitar . He wasn 't playing the guitar or anything , he was just talking to the audience . He started talking to me about my epilepsy . I noticed that he was missing half of his face . I felt incredibly awkward , and overdressed for this occasion . So , I was on a field trip with Di Bella and my art class . We were going to New Jersey . Or so I was told , we didn 't actually go to New Jersey , we went to a theme park , and rode on a roller coaster . Then we went back to the bus . We started driving through this city , we were stopped by slow traffic . I saw Mel outside , and she saw me , and waved frantically to get me to come outside . Luckily the bus stopped shortly , and I walked over to where I saw Mel , outside this spooky old house . Mel was trying to find some people , and some other people were after her , but she didn 't know who . We were looking through the house , and we passed a rack of clothing . I started looking through the clothes and found a key in the pocket of a shirt . There was a guy who 'd been helping us , but he just laughed and told me the key was poisoned and I was going to die a slow and painful death just by touching it . He opened a door behind him and let in some bad guys . I grabbed Mel and we ran towards the other side of the room we were in . The only other exit was a window . The window had a lock on it that the key probably fit . My steps started faltering before I could get to the window as the poison started working . Then this random dog that had been helping us took the key in its mouth and unlocked the window for us . Then the dog disappeared . Mel was also nowhere to be found . I jumped out the window , expecting to fall at least a story , but I landed on my feet in a sort of dingy basement room . The rest of my art class was there , at long tables like the ones in Melchers , and they were drawing . I started drawing what had happened to me , and Di Bella came over and told me that it wasn 't 3D enough and I could fix it by doing X , Y , and Z . THEN , Meredith came by and we left together . My parents were going to take us out to dinner at Chipotle . I dragged Meredith to Joann 's Crafts so we could apply for jobs . I talked to a few employees until I found the hiring manager and asked her whether they 'd seen my previous application . They said they 'd be happy to hirMauve Shirt So , I was talking to my parents about how I wanted a new phone . My mother had gotten a droid , and she said she 'd trade phones with me . They didn 't want to pay the Verizon people any fees to transfer my numbers and pictures and such over to Mom 's phone , so I had to email all 180 of my pictures and copy all 26 of my contacts manually . What a pain . Then in the evening was a dance . It was a " big deal " dance , in the way that prom is a " big deal " , so Meredith convinced me to go . I used my new phone to take a picture of my dress , which was this heavy red velvet thing that looked like it came from the Society for Creative Anachronism . Because it had . Mer and I both borrowed dresses from the SCA and we didn 't have to pay for them . Erin , meanwhile , did not want to go to the dance . She had read about a different activity happening at the same time in Randolph , one that involved babysitting puppies . So she and Matt went to that . The " dance " took place in the room in Melchers where I 'm taking my design principles class . It seemed much more like the Elizabethan feast , as we were all seated , but Mer and I were the only ones dressed appropriately for the Elizabethan feast . And the lights were down , and dance music was playing . As we were sitting there , we were attacked by vampires . And werewolves . Sadly , Robert Pattinson was there , and a throng of girls ran at him and practically begged him to bite them . There were frightening Dracula - type vampires too . The werewolves were much more typical , but small . Meredith and I just walked out of the room in disgust , mostly unharmed , but I got nipped in the elbow by a wimp of a werewolf . Mer told me to wash out the bite or I 'd become a werewolf , so I did . In the bathroom I met Erin Kenderish ( she 's in my art class ) who informed me that the bites from the monsters weren 't at all contagious or dangerous , not even the vampire bites . Upon leaving the bathroom , I found myself not in Melchers , but in the basement of Randolph . I looked around for our Erin , but didn 't find her . Outside in the parking Posted by First , I was attending a family dinner . It wasn 't my real family , it was a bunch of people who according to dream logic were my family . A few of my uncles were plotting to kill me and my parents and a few other relatives for some monetary reason . So we had to run . There was a chase scene through a train station . We fooled the bad guys into going on a train in the opposite direction of the train we were on , but we abandoned one of my cousins ( or half cousin twice removed or something , I kept calling her my cousin and being corrected ) at the train station . I was very worried about her . The train we were on looked like the metro . The entire family ( which was a huge amount of people ) was bunched into 4 seats at the end of the train . Yet there was enough room , it was kind of like Mr . Weasley 's car . Then I woke up , looked at my clock , and found it was only 10 : 20 AM . Next dream . My parents weren 't willing to drive me back to school , so I had to take a bike . But first I had to pick up a bunch of neighborhood kids and take them to their schools , on my bike . My bike had a sidecar , so it was ok . But the first kid I had to pick up was an hour and a half late . I spent the whole time sitting in front of his house . I considered riding around the neighborhood for a bit , but then I didn 't . Finally we left . We passed a lake and a few high schools before I realized I was completely lost and didn 't know how to get to this guy 's school . Then we met some other dude who offered us a ride in his car . We took it . My bike broke as we put it in the back seat . The dream started with me sorting through my clothing , and finding that I had 2 Die Toten Hosen t - shirts . I was surprised and a little annoyed , as I had just bought some t - shirts online the day before . I put one on and went downstairs ( despite the fact that I was in my room in the apartment , there was a downstairs ) . I had just met my parents at this fancy place , to prepare for a party - type thing . We were in a garden , and in this garden was a large pool with a fountain in it . It was covered in ants . I had to take a can of Raid and get rid of them all . When I was done , the pool smelled like ant poison and it was disgusting . Without transition I was inside , in a kitchen similar to Erin 's in Yorktown , and spraying the kitchen counters . My mother was in the other room , talking to someone I didn 't recognize about how I couldn 't do anything right . I got really annoyed and punched a hole in the wall . Mom yelled angrily that she of course was joking . I went to play the piano to let off some steam . I found some sheet music for " Hier Kommt Alex " and decided to learn it , since it matched my t - shirt . My sister came in ( we were in my living room at home now ) and started lecturing me on how to deal with the parents . There were other bits about the FBI lady from the episode of Castle I watched last night , but I don 't remember them . So , I was in a lecture class , and I was warned that aliens could possess anyone , and one of my friends might even be possessed . After the lecture I needed to head to Niebuhr 's German Civ class . But then I looked in the mirror and found I had grown a mustache and I needed to shave it off before anyone I knew saw it . o _ O The buildings were ridiculously far apart in this dream . I had to get on a bus to get to Combs from Monroe . The bus dropped me off at the Fred stop on double drive , which was inconvenient for me since double drive in this dream was an incredibly busy street , and there was no crosswalk . Also , while Combs was only a half - mile walk away , Bushnell was 2 miles from both Combs and the bus stop , and I lived there . I also had to be at class in 3 minutes . I was kind of stressed , and complained about this to some girls on my bus , who turned out to be possessed by aliens and attacked me . While I was fighting them off , a crowd gathered around and laughed at my handlebar mustache . Andrew Ballard and I were taking a trip to the moon . He had to build the moon base , and I had to build the vehicles , entirely out of legos and glow sticks . My moon buggy had a functional microwave and minifridge , and guns that shot lasers and fire . So of course I used it to attack Andrew 's moon base . With the help of the armies of Halloween . There was a murder . A girl had been killed , and Mer , Reece and I had to find out what was up . We went to this big party at a hotel , and there were all of these rich people that we talked to . Sadly , I don 't remember much of this part except that most of these interviews took place in a teeny - tiny cramped diner attached to the hotel . We eventually ended up getting a confession out of one of the old rich dudes . Now for the parts I remember . The hotel had 3 floors , and my family had a room on the middle floor . Madeline and I wanted to go swimming , but were prevented from doing so , because the rich guy 's family inhabited the entire bottom floor of this hotel and they were pretty angry at me . So I went up to the third floor , but the grieving family of the girl were on that floor , and I didn 't want to talk to them . So our only option was to take Ralph for a walk and go swimming in the lake . We didn 't want to go all the way around the lake , so we instead took Ralph around to wear the campfire is . The little pond in that area was completely clear , and they allowed swimming there . But there was a party going on , and a band next to the water . I 'd let Ralph off the leash as I usually do , and he joyfully ran up to the band members and knocked them all in the water . I decided to avoid this confrontation by going up the little path at the side of the campsite , that leads to a neighborhood . But the forest was filled with people shooting off fireworks , and that was pretty dangerous . Ralph didn 't like that at all . Then I woke up . Readers of my dream log , I would like to show you http : / / jarofbees . net / blog , a new blog of mine . I will continue to update this of course . Starting now . First part of the dream , I made my facebook relationship status " married " , and didn 't specify who . My mother left an angry comment asking when this happened , and why didn 't I have a ceremony because I have some relatives who would have liked to attend such a thing . Second and far more interesting part of the dream . Mom , Dad and I were on our way to Fredericksburg , but instead of using a car we were using a time travelling device similar to Captain Jack 's in series 3 . There were goons chasing us , Hereti - Corp - looking - goons , but not Hereti Corp . I 'm pretty sure they were actually Cyberdyne , but it was never specified . We stopped on an outcropping of rock outside of a cave in this huge canyon filled with waterfalls . It was a man - made platform , we could tell because there was a metal door in the back of the cave , and windows in the rock . We went inside and sat down next to a window . We could still see the waterfalls , and the sun came through the window even though we couldn 't see it through the top of the canyon . My mother found a book of piano songs , and started complaining at me about how she never hears me practice because the volume is always down too low . Also , this book was all arrangements of pop songs and no pretty music . I pointed out some songs that were pretty . The book also had an arrangement of " American Idiot " in it . I went back outside and looked off the edge of the cliff . I looked to my right and saw 3 Evil Corp goons riding on the back of giant flying insects , heading straight for the platform on which I stood . They landed , and one of them took off her sunglasses , revealing her identity as none other than Meredith Roane ! The other two were Erin and her sister . Mer pulled a gun on me and said something along the lines of " TIME TRAVELLING IS AN ILLEGAL USE OF EVIL CORP TECHNOLOGY ! " I ran back inside to hide with my parents . My father stalled a different grPosted by There was a small closet located where Cyrus ' cage is in the computer room . Well , it was the computer room , except instead of a computer and Ralph 's crate there was my bed . And instead of Cyrus ' cage , there was the small closet . It had a light shining through the crack in the door , but it had always been there , and I had never opened it . Then Meredith came over , and asked what was in the closet . I was a little puzzled , and said that I didn 't know . So she climbed over the mound of junk that was in the way , and opened the closet door . There was a little tunnel , like the one in the Coraline film but less well - lit . As we peered through the tunnel , a door on the other end opened , and a ghoul appeared . Now I don 't know what a ghoul really looks like , but this was definitely a ghoul . It had a stretched - out elasticky face , like that in Munch 's " The Scream " , with sharp teeth and spiky hair on it 's head and on the back of it 's hands , which looked like rubber except for the rather horrifyingly sharp claws . It didn 't look very threatening at the moment , though , it just looked at us , blinked and shut the door . We shut ours , and a second later we heard loud cries , a lot of them , from the other side . I 'd never heard sounds coming from the closet before , but now I could . There was a " thunk " sound , and we heard one of them running down the tunnel toward our door . Meredith and I scotch - taped it shut . The light on the other side was brighter than it ever had been , so we covered the crack in printer paper to dull the light . I called Dad and told him we had ghouls in our house . He sounded more frustrated than scared , and asked us what we 'd done about it . I told him we 'd taped the door shut , and he said that he 'd look into it when he had time . I had to sleep in the little room that night , and I really didn 't want to . My father told me to suck it up , nothing would come through the door . I lay on my bed for a while , the light was very distracting . I was suddenly overcome by a feeling of dizziness , and I sat up . Meredith was sitting there , Posted by There was a prince who was about 10 years old . To prove him a worthy heir to the throne , the king would erase part of his memory once a week , and he would have to use hints provided by his mother and sister to figure out what he can 't remember . If he didn 't remember , he would be put to death . His sister would always mislead him , but his mother always helped him . His mother had magic powers and a spellbook . That is all I remember . So , first of all , Reece came to visit me at school . So all of us and our boys were hanging out , and Mary Katy . We decided to go get some fast food . We ended up at a MacDo . They were only selling large fries , nothing else , and we didn 't know why . But we ordered some . As we were hanging about in the parking lot as us sketchy college students are wont to do , when we were attacked by some random people . We later learned that they had eaten food from the MCD that wasn 't fries , and had been possessed by aliens . We had to stop the aliens by building a space ship out of the VA hall fountain . There was a flood on campus . The water was a little over 5 feet high I think , about as high as the windows of bushnell . Erin and Matt and I had a rowboat , and we were floating outside Meredith 's window yelling at her to hurry up . But she had 30 minutes to go , because she and Titus were in the middle of making brownies . We were all like " BROWNIES ? ! BUT IT ' S THE END OF THE WORLD ! " But they had to finish . Then I realized that I hadn 't unmade my bed , or packed any of my stuff . So I climbed through the window and started doing those things . Then I remembered that I 'd taken a picture of our empty room , so why wasn 't all of my stuff packed ? I decided it didn 't matter and kept packing . Then I woke up . Herr Rotter wanted to take Death Class on an excursion to this giant cemetery in California . I was late coming out of my classes , and missed our ride to the airport . I called one of the girls in the class and she said she had my tickets , I needed to get to the airport before 4 though . I called a few people , asking for a ride , but they all said no so I had to walk . There was an airport in College Park , so it would be no problem . I started the walk along college avenue , which was a straight shot , but really really long , and it passed some sketchy areas . It got dark when I was only halfway there . I got a call from the girl who had my tickets , she said I 'd missed the plane and I 'll have to make it up over the weekend . Disappointed with myself , I turned back . My phone started buzzing in my pocket . I looked at the caller ID and of all people it was Faith Zhang , from high school . I answered it , but got no response so I hung up . I was walking on College Avenue , but the graveyard from William Street was on my left , where the school should have been . I looked across the street and saw Meredith and Erin and Matt , ( Matterinedith ? ) and ran over to meet them . They took me to this building I didn 't recognize . We went inside it , and Erin led us to this one room . Behind the door was a lever , which would cause some of the ceiling tiles to come down and form a door in the wall . Outside the door was a beach . We lifted the lever and closed the door to the beach . Then we turned around and found a dragon sitting on the opposite end of the room . It was large and green and sitting in that way that dragons do . It told us we had a job to do , and we had to go back out to the beach . We went through the door . I looked around and found that I recognized this spot , and it wasn 't far from the beach entrance to the house we usually rent . The sky was gray , it looked like the sun might be coming up but it was difficult to tell because it was cloudy . I found my family , the whole beach crowd , wandering around on the beach looking for something . My fatherPosted by I was in German Film class , and we were watching Nirgendwo in Afrika again . Except the main character had an obnoxious comedy - relief sister . And the quiz we took afterward was in Swahili , and was about pirates . I was in the business classroom . We 'd had homework to record a dream , if we 'd had one about the Dresden Files . I hadn 't printed one out . I went up to professor Cunningham and asked if I could print it out and give it to him later . He said " Has there ever been a time when I 've let anyone do that ? " I told him that I had logged my dreams , they were just online . He relented and said I could email him a link to one of my posts . I left the room and found myself in a series of plain white hallways arranged in an incomprehensible maze . Like Melchers , except more sterile . I had to find a computer so I could email my dream log to the professor . I wandered through the halls , and passed a few classrooms . Then I came to a big wooden archway , with some ornate carvings . Through it I saw a huge room with a red carpet , and chandeliers and what looked like stage props scattered around . Some hamlet - lookalikes were fencing with sharp rapiers , rather intensely , while a director - looking - guy said " Hey , you 're not supposed to actually kill each other ! " In other parts of the room there were other drama students acting , and on a stage at one end were some inexplicable gymnasts ( now a band name . ) Directly across from the archway in which I stood was another door - less wooden archway . I started walking across the room to get there . The director guy yelled at me to get out of the way , drama students only , and the guys with the swords looked pretty angry , so I ran across . The room on the other side was an immense hallway . The ceilings were incredibly high , like in the red - carpeted room , and I couldn 't see either end of the room . The hallway was lit only by large , cathedral - style windows on the wall across from me . The light rather dim despite their hugeness , I suppose it was late evening . I was still looking for a computer . The only piece of furniture in this huge room was a fest table . Some girls were sitting on the table . They looked like athletes , and one girl was on the floor next to the table stretching . One of them looked at me and told me IPosted by So I was still at school . And I had a huge test for DS106 . I hadn 't studied for it , and it included such topics as feudal Japan and the linguistics of the German and Danish languages . And this was exceptionally bad , because I got an F on the first DS106 exam , and a D on the second . The class had a blackboard now , and I checked the grades section . The entire blackboard page seemed to be hand - written on the screen , and I had Fs in all of the assignments . I was very confused , as I 'd been told I had at least an A - . Digital Storytelling keeps showing up in my dreams ! I blame the fact that this dream log was mentioned in that class . And the blackboard bit is because I 've been checking it hourly for my German grades . I " woke up " cuddling Reece . He was looking at my wall and examining my posters with interest . I gave him a kiss and went back to sleep . Then I " woke up " again , looked at the clock and saw that we were late for our big important meeting ! I didn 't know what the big important meeting was about , but it sure was big and important . I met up with my cousin Reilly and her mother to go there , and Erin and Meredith of course came with me . Madeline too , I think . We wandered through the halls of this hotel , looking for the conference room . It looked like Dodd auditorium . As we got there , some old guys were leaving . We 'd missed the meeting entirely . We went to the post - meeting reception dealie and got some food . We listened to the people talking , trying to figure out what we missed . Everyone seemed to agree that whatever the main speaker guy had to say , he was completely nuts and this would destroy us all . We found out that the guy was giving a second presentation in about 5 minutes , so we rushed over to catch that one . The guy it turns out was a completely mad scientist , probably based on The Merlin from TDF . He wanted to create lightening from the moon to destroy every volcano on earth , and this would somehow destroy all of the vampires . I was out at lunch with Erin and Meredith and Matt . There was a woman at the next table over , she kind of looked like my science professor from fall 2008 . She was arguing something loudly and obnoxiously , and she was very wrong . I stood up and proved that she was wrong . Then Erin , Mer , Matt and I left . We were in some sort of market place . Sheckells approached me later and told me that I 'd incurred her wrath and that she was going to try to destroy everyone I hold dear . I laughed an said that would never happen . Sheckells looked at me seriously , removed his cell phone from his pocket , pressed a few of the keys , and suddenly I had an aura . It was in the dream , though it almost woke me up . There was more involving the woman trying to trap me and failing . There was some kind of holocaust thing going on , death camps and genocide , whether it was Hitler 's or not I dunno . But it was up to me , Erin , Reece and 5 other guys who weren 't from real life to stop it . So we did . And a bunch of dudes who worked at the death camps and the guys who made the deadly gas were all mad at us . ( ' _ ( ' Then we were on a train . This year 's theme seems to be modes of transport , rather than a city or a path lined with trees . I was in Seacobeck , with Erin and Meredith and Matt , and some doofuses at a table near us were mocking me for some reason . Now , we were all wizards . I tried to prove my magical skill by producing a Patronus without using a wand . Harry Dresden could do it ! It was really hard though , even with my most potent happy memories . Outside there was a second multicultural fair going on . It was reminiscent of that dream with the fest tents on the path lined with trees next to a river , except it was on campus walk . There was a stand selling little statuettes and figurines from Germany . And Erin wanted Chinese food , but the line was too long , and I found a stand that sold bratwurst with German mustard so I bought one of those . Ok , so . First dream , I was with my classmates ( I don 't know what class , but it was a school trip ) on a train . Actually it wasn 't a train so much as a trolley , a street car . It was raining outside . I was sitting down when suddenly I thought I felt something in my back pocket . I reached behind me and pulled out just less than a handful of live worms . I was absolutely disgusted , and I through them out the window of the trolley . But these worms kept coming out of my pockets . I was stuffing them in the can where I keep my loose change . My class was watching this . Once I had a full can I tossed it out the window . I asked the driver to stop so I could solve this problem . I ran down a staircase that appeared randomly . Second dream . I went with my cousin to this zoo / aquarium . There was this black and white seal that I wanted to take a picture of but Reece kept sending me text messages so I couldn 't use my phone 's camera . And I 'd left my real camera at home . Third dream . I was chilling with Erin and Meredith and Mary - Katy and Matt and Titus and Reece . We were walking along next to a lake . We grabbed some sticks , made fishing poles and started fishing . I caught some shrimp - like - things , and a plastic mermaid . Everything we caught melted into goo as soon as it hit the dry ground . I know what inspired this one . It started off in a convent . Meredith was a brand new mother of sextuplets . Some bond villains and Lex Luthor were after her children . Their evil plan involved printing pictures of us off of facebook and writing nasty notes on them . And they talked like the turtles from Finding Nemo . We had to find safe places for her children to go so we could fight the villains . There was a lot of drama and crying . In my dream , I 'd slept through Erin 's science experiment . I 'd woken up to my alarm , but fallen immediately back asleep . And then I 'd sleep - walked into the other room and spoken to my uncle about the Ninja Turtles , all in my sleep . Erin called me , I didn 't answer . And when she came by looking for me , I was on my feet , nodding off and on . She laughed and told me that I looked very silly . Then the rest of my family came in . My sister had gotten me sleepwalking on video . They watched it , and they were all laughing hysterically . I didn 't watch the video , but I heard myself repeating the word " Michelangelo " . My sister put the video on youtube . Later , Collegehumor linked to it and I became the laughing stock of the internet . Or I would have , if I hadn 't woken up for reals . So it was advising time . In this universe Herr Rotter was Meredith 's adviser , because they were assigned alphabetically rather than by department . I was confused because Mer has said that she 's never seen Herr Rotter before , yet he 's her academic adviser , who she 's had to meet with once a semester for 6 semesters . Mer , Erin and I were hanging in my basement , which was also a craft store . Mer had to meet Herr Rotter upstairs . During their meeting I eavesdropped , and something was hilarious because I couldn 't stop laughing . Erin was waiting to pick up someone from the airport . My parents were going to take us to the airport to pick this person up , and we were going to drop Anuan off at the airport at the same time . In the car , I couldn 't stop reading the new Dresden Files book , but I got out of the car to give Anuan a hug . The person we were picking up was Erin 's brother . We then went to a waterpark . I was being framed for stealing a bunch of money from the government and giving it to Russian terrorists . I 'd also " stolen " money from various celebrities as well , since I kept getting calls from them . The only one I remember is Lady Gaga . Some of them offered jobs so I could work off my debt . I had to prove myself innocent and catch the bad guy , so I got the help of Antimony from Gunnerkrigg Court , and Harry Dresden and his apprentice Molly from The Dresden Files . I can 't remember too many details , but I had a blinker stone that I couldn 't remember how to use , I borrowed Molly 's protective jewelry , and I wanted a magic staff so I made one out of a hockey stick . Similarly to the TV show , I suppose . My mother was trying to help me make a deal with the government . Oh , and Prof Merrill was one of the evil govt agents out to get me . I spend most of my internet time on the Giant in the Playground forums , where I am also known as Mauve Shirt . I also have a presence on Kingdom of Loathing as ELQ . I also have a facebook , but I won 't accept you as a friend unless you tell me where you know me from . |
The dog leash broke , right at the corner of Arnaud ( which is an alley ) and Faet . Pickles came across something invisible in the road she wanted sniff of , gave a tug and I found myself holding a leash with no dog attached . The latch had pulled right out . Pickles did not realize she was loose , however , or she would have made a break for it and had a great time . I was able to secure her again with no problem , but I thought walking a mile or so like that back home might be an issue . I called Patti Anne , who promptly got lost looking for me . The street I was on , Faet , is one of those that is in several non - connecting sections , apparently . Very European . It was warm , so Pickles and I were hanging in the shade , rather than venture out to the corner in the bright , bright , sun . But Valdese is not that big of a town , so I was eventually discovered without too much trouble . Patti Anne 's mouse died - her computer mouse . It had lasted several years . So I ran down to the computer shop on main street to buy a new one . I had to wait for a few minutes because Ron , who owns the shop , was talking to the policeman in a really cool unmarked Dodge Charger . Someone passed Ron a bad check for a pretty good sum of money , and he was none too happy about it . So we commiserated about that for a minute or two - and I paid in cash . Then I " lost " my cell phone . It was just a confusion thing . Turned out it was in the vehicle . But then I came within an inch of putting it thru a wash cycle - which would have made the 3rd phone I 'd done that to this year . But I caught it in time , so all is ok . ( Please don 't tell Patti Anne ! ) I remember some punchlines , but can 't remember the jokes . Usually if you want to tell a joke , and you know the punchline , you can create a joke that fits . Kind of like figuring out the ending to a story you want to write , then writing the story to make it work , except coming up with a joke to fit a punch - line is usually a lot easier . I finally finished that Kafka short story , " Investigations of a Dog " . 38 pages of hard , tortuous reading . A 38 page fictional examination of the psyche of a somewhat bohemian , slightly alienated , extremely curious , sociable against his will , and a very 19th century dog . Like most Kafka stories , there was something bizarre in it , something that flies in the face of reality . And like the typical reality based ( usually ) human that I am I try to rationalize it . This came when , without any apparent provocation , the canine protagonist began describing floating and soaring dogs . I closed the book and closed my eyes and thought , here we go again . This took me back to a Kafka story where one minute he was at a party , then some how he 's on a footpath running up a small hill with a friend on his shoulders . In both cases I don 't know how it happened . My great urge is to go back a few pages and see if I missed anything . This rarely works . So this time I didn 't . I just cleared my mind and accepted it . Floating dogs . Dogs soaring thru the air . Dogs who 's arguments , philosophies and science were worthless , maybe because you couldn 't understand anything they said , or maybe because they never touched the ground . Just let it go - in this story there are dogs in the air . Several pages later though , I had a revelation . Someone else may have had this revelation earlier , I don 't know . But at some point in the story it became apparent that our protagonist did not differentiate between the species - everything was some type of dog . The soaring dogs were birds . I can 't describe the relief I felt when I realized the author wasn 't describing Bischon Frises floating amongst the trees . He was in the mind of a dog , describing how a dog saw birds . Big sigh of relief - I finally understood something . Anyway , the protagonist was trying to get at the nature of what it was to be a dog , in a scientific manner . He decided a dog 's nature was all wrapped up in food , so that 's where he conducted a lot of his experiments . After all , according to dog science , if one " had food between his jaws , all his problems were solved , for the time being " . He wanted to see if his " incantations and singing " had any effect on if he received food or not . He was very confused about exactly how food appeared , and wanted to nail that down . He failed . He could not escape his dog - ness , and it tainted every observation and every experiment he did . It 'll be awhile before I read another Kafka story . But I 'm sure I will sometime in the future . I 'm drawn to them , even though I know they never do me any favors . Sunday , we went to a flea market ( swap meet in some parts of the country ) near town , just off an exit on I - 40 . I approach these things differently now than I used to . Used to , I was always looking for something I could pick up cheap to resell , either in our booth or on eBay . We don 't rent a booth anywhere anymore , and we 're much more specialized on eBay these days , so I wasn 't really looking for resell items . I was hoping to find some books , cheap . And I was disappointed , because besides some cook books , which are bit lacking in the plot department , there weren 't any . This is not a big flea market , but still it had space for twice as many vendors as were there . And there weren 't that many customers either . Some of the vendors who were there had given up and were packing their stuff away . I can feel for them , it 's hard to sell people random stuff . Even when it 's cheap . Near the end of the market was a person selling live chickens and roosters & Patti Anne wanted to go look at them . So we did . They were packing their chickens up - it was getting hot but a lot were still out . And this is where I get to the title . In 2008 we went to a flea market in Jamestown , NC , just on the other side of Morganton and much larger than this one . There were a ton of animals for sell there , from Chihuahuas to Pit Bulls . Some were people who just had puppies they needed to find homes for , but a lot were puppy mill types I 'm pretty sure . We were walking past them when we saw this black and white dog stuffed into a chicken crate - the same size we saw at the flea market yesterday . She had no room to move , period . She could not even stretch out . I was afraid the dog had been abused , and would not make a good pet , but Patti Anne has a better heart than I do , so she asked the man about it . This guy looked like he came straight out of the mountains , but he assured us that the dog was healthy & could walk and stuff like that . He warned us that she was likely to pick up stuff and carry it away ( and she does ) . He didn 't want any money , he just wanted to give her away . He said her name was " Pickles " . So we took the dog , who seemed to be scared to death . First thing we did when we got her home was give her a bath , because she was caked in red dirt . She was about 9 months old , and the next day we got her to a vet for shots , because as far as we could tell she had never had any . Later that month we had her spayed . The " free " dog cost about $ 400 the first month . That month we had to get her used to riding in a vehicle , to being in a house ( she was afraid to go in at first ) , used to stairs , housebreak her ( took about 3 weeks before she was 100 % housebroken ) , used to walking on a leash and so on . It took some work at first , but it 's turned out ok . Just her getting a little older helps - she 's not near the puppy she once was . So , Pickles got her name because that 's what that old guy at the Jamestown Flea Market said it was . She recognised it so we never changed it . I don 't know if we 're the best dog owners in the world , but she 's part of our little family now , she gets exercise , knows basic obedience commands ( sit , stay , not so great about coming when called though ) , gets enough to eat , and has a safe place to sleep at night . She thinks she 's a " good " dog and a pretty dog , and we don 't tell her any differently . I lay in bed , an unwilling participant in the earth 's rotation as manifested by the room getting lighter . The birds had started singing a while earlier , not in the least concerned that the earth was rotating . They just knew it was time to sing . My mind raced . It 's not readily apparent that my mind sometimes races - you 'd almost have to be married to me to know that . But sometimes it does . I remember once when I was 10 years old or so , my father posed the famous question to me : if a tree falls in a forest and no one was there to hear it , did it make a sound . I said , of course it does . He laughed , shook his head and said no , it doesn 't . I immediately thought , and I 'm not making this up , " ok , we have two definitions of sound " . I didn 't say this to my father , because I was 10 and I thought it best not to . But I had had occasion to hear a tree fall , and it made a sound . I saw no reason why it would not make a sound , even if I was not there to hear it . It created the waves or disturbance or whatever , and had someone been there , they would have heard it . However , if you define sound as something that has to be heard or recorded by a human in order to exist , and no one heard it or recorded it , then I guess it didn 't . At age 10 , and maybe still , I fell in with the group that held objects which had physical properties retained those physical properties , even if I wasn 't aware of them . For example , we have a very large Mulberry tree in our field of a yard . When I look at it , I see it and I know it exists . If I turn around I don 't see it , but I 'm reasonably sure it still exists . When I look again , it 's still there . Furthermore , other people are aware of it . There are others that hold the view that reality is created by consciousness , and without consciousness , there is no reality . I don 't know if they 'd go so far as to say that Mulberry tree no longer exists when I turn my back on it , but they might , and they might be able to prove it mathematically , at least at a level they can understand . I can see their point to an extent . For example , there are a lot of people on this planet and I 've never seen and never will see or meet the vast majority . I don 't know their names , their appearance or anything about them . I am not conscious of them , I have no proof that they exist . Reality is a continuing stream of thought with me . I 've got lots more to think about , from the brains of birds who don 't care about the earth 's rotation to the possibility that on a very small level at least , a physical entity can be in more than one place at the same time . I 'll think about it later tho . Right now , I 'm hungry . At 1 : 36 AM this morning I lay awake with a bad headache . A storm was moving through , so I watched reflections of lightening bounce off the bedroom walls , and listened to the thunder . It was very warm , and the lightening & thunder seemed quite close . Slowly it moved further & further away , I did not hear any strong winds or rain . I don 't get headaches very often , and when I do , it 's usually not bad . This one was painful . So I stayed there , not moving , hoping that calmness would make it go away . I had nothing else to do but think , so I thought . Why are people the way they are ? It 's the old nature vs . nurture argument . I know the way I am ( mostly ) but I can 't always tell you why . I 'm sure there are genetics involved that predispose me toward certain types of behaviors . The fact that I think about this stuff sometimes , being one of them . It also seems reasonable that if my parents had different values , raised me in a completely different place with different experiences , I might be a different person . Perhaps even think differently . I don 't know . A long time ago I was friends with a person who lived a very structured life . At 2 PM every Sunday , it didn 't matter what was going on , he was going to check the oil and fluid levels on his car . And I 'd think , why no earlier or later , and why Sunday ? Also , whenever he mowed his grass , he 'd drain all the oil out of the lawnmower into a large glass container , then add it back when he mowed again . Where did he learn this stuff , what was it about him that made him do stuff like this ? And this was just two out of dozens of examples of a life structure that I found odd . Some people are slightly manic - always on the go , always feel that have to be doing something to fill up their days . Sitting still is like death to them . Sometimes I wish I were like that , because I 'd get more done , or at least more useful stuff done , perhaps . But I 'm perfectly content to sit in a chair and stare into space lost in daydreams or useless introspection . In fact , that is my natural inclination . Many years ago a person came into the periphery or my life through no choice of my own . He was from an older generation , very quickly ascertained that I didn 't play golf , didn 't hunt , and could live my life quite happily without ever touching a power tool . In fact to me , a power tool would very quickly equal a missing finger or worse . He pretty much thought I was worthless and didn 't mind letting me know . But I knew better . I had an education , had learned a foreign language , had a son who loved me , had completely re - invented myself career wise after I got out of the Army , and had the income , house and property to prove it . I liked photography , I liked reading , I liked riding around and looking at things . But most of these things were intangible , they weren 't things you could hit with a stick . Or a golf club . I pretty much thought he was an asshole , but I was too nice to tell him that . But the bigger question that I so nicely digressed from is , as always , why ? Is it nature or nurture ? In the movie " Trading Spaces " , Eddie Murphy is taken from a very lowly circumstance and turned into valuable professional , all so someone ( was it Don Amechi ? ) could win a $ 1 . 00 bet . The bet was that anybody , given the proper training and environment ( and I assume reasonable intelligence ) could become a top notch trader . In the movie , that turned out to be a case , it was nurture over nature . But it 's just a movie , so it doesn 't prove a thing . I ran out of stuff that I wanted to read , so I picked up my copy of Kafka short stories . I opened it up almost , but not quite , at random to a story called " Investigations of a Dog " . I stared at the title for a long time , with some trepidation . I checked to see how long it was , just to see what I was in for . 38 pages of small print . 38 pages of challenging reading . I was tired , I was looking at this while in bed , and I wondered if I really wanted to do this to myself . Did I want to put myself through this ? I figured why not . So I started reading . By the second page I found myself going back and re - reading portions of the first page , just to double check my understanding , to make sure I hadn 't missed something . It is not light reading . I don 't know what it is with my run - ins with Kafka through the years . I 'm not sure why I 've kept that book . Part of the reason is I take it as a personal challenge , I think . I will not admit that I cannot get thru , and understand , any piece of literature that is written in English , no matter how difficult . I don 't have this problem with people like Faulkner . Heck , I don 't even have it with Hermann Hesse , I 've read both Siddhartha & Steppenwolf and maybe a few other things he 's written . Just Kafka . Why is that ? Of course I 'm reading translations . I 'm not sure if Kafka wrote in German or Czech ( I should find that out ) , but what ever it was , it was the 19th century version of the language . To do it justice , the translation should reflect that , and it sort of does . There are long sentences , lots of clauses , lots of passive voice writing , not lending itself to any kind of college Freshman Composition class . So it 's hard to read from that perspective . Also , its difficult to read because it 's just so weird . You have to discover what is going on , and I find myself going back and re - reading because I either have trouble believing what I 'm reading , or I lost the flow of the story somehow . This story , for example , is being told from the point of view of an apparently alienated , decidedly bohemian dog . And as the reader , I know nothing more than what the dog knows , nothing more than what the dog sees or experiences with his other senses . I know what the dog thinks , I know his opinions , and it is not easy to follow . The dog describes things in a way most humans wouldn 't . Kafka is a very , very good writer . But at the moment , I have no idea where the story is going . Everything Kafka has ever written is like that , at least to me . I 've had this book for years . I guess I 'll keep it and force my way thru a story every now and then . He wrote a story about a man who woke up and found that he was a huge insect - his most famous , probably . He wrote another about a man sitting at the gates of heaven for years , afraid to ask permission from St . Peter to enter ( I think ) . That one was a parable , and I 'm still shaking my head . He wrote one about building the Great Wall of China , and after reading that I remember thinking , yep , that 's pretty much what it was like being in the Army . Ever since I looked online a couple of years ago , I 've been telling anybody who asked , that my dog Pickles was a Bluetick / Lab mix . I ran into a person who agreed with the Lab part , but not the Bluetick - he insisted that Pickle 's is a Blue Heeler . He said he had raised & trained Blue Heelers , and she had the markings . Pickles is smaller than either a Lab or a Bluetick . She is a moderate to high energy dog ( despite her appearance in the picture ) , extremely alert . She has a very good and resounding bark - not quite the quality of a Basset Hound maybe , but you won 't ignore it . She is basically friendly , though that is not always apparent to strangers . In the words of a little girl in the Food Lion parking lot , she 's " all ticked up " . Her ears are Lab - like , but her body markings arent . She has the one large black spot you can see in the picture , and a smaller one near her tail that you can 't see . She get 's a lot of looks , because she looks like a dog that might be good at something . Personality wise , she 's always on the alert . Constantly looking out windows , going from one to another , and barking at anything that comes close to our property , especially people and other dogs . She seems to track things , if she catches a sent she wants to follow it , and she follows it on the ground . I 've not seen any herding characteristics , but I wouldn 't know them if they kicked me in the nose . She has a LOT of energy - the walks I take her on , no matter how far , are mere child 's play for her . I was used to being able to outlast dogs on long walks , but I cannot outlast Pickles . So now I looked online again , and I 've seen Blue Heelers with body markings similar to Pickles . The head is much different , but some of the body 's look very close . I 'm starting to join the Blue Heeler camp . It doesn 't matter . Pickles is our dog , she 's part of the family , and she 's a mutt . But it gives me something to talk about . Howdy from a relatively HUMID North Carolina , & the pun was indeed intended . This is going to be a long , rambling post , with no particular purpose , so just know that going into it . Won 't hurt my feelings if you don 't have the patience . I took a quick trip to Kentucky last weekend , to visit my father , who is just shy of being in his mid - 80s . He 'd spent Thursday night in the hospital , and when I showed up on Friday I could tell he wasn 't feeling well . I wasn 't feeling well either , I 'd managed to hurt my back somehow a couple of days earlier , and it was getting difficult for me to navigate on my own two feet . By Saturday , my father was moving around a lot better than I was . My father joined the Air Force when I was 7 years old . Until that time I 'd spent my entire life in Knott County , Kentucky - specifically Hindman and it 's environs . And I 'm absolutely positive I sounded like it . But in the summer , shortly before my 8th birthday , we packed up and headed out to Altus AFB in Oklahoma . We said our goodbyes to grandparents , uncles , aunts and cousins . My mother was sad and excited at the same time , and I didn 't have a clue . Completely clueless . Before the next school year started , I 'd been to Oklahoma , out to Arizona , on to California then back to Oklahoma . After Oklahoma , I 'd find my self in Montana , Germany , & Colorado , then back to Kentucky for some college , then off again , all over creation for a long time . Maybe if everybody examines their life , they can find a point where there is a dividing line . Where things were one way before and another way after . Or maybe most people cant . But I can , and it is very stark , and very real , and I didn 't realize it for years and years . But looking out the back window of the car as we drove on that dirt road down the hill , seeing my uncle and cousin standing there looking quite sad as we left , is the major dividing point in my life . That exact moment . Before that things were one way , after that things were another . Actually , when we left , we were taking part in a large migration out of Eastern Kentucky . The area had been losing population for years , and continued to lose for years afterwards . We joined the herd . Eventually the area lost it 's congressional district , and was gerrymanded into a couple of others . Before : I was very young . I was part of a large extended family - I still don 't really know how many first cousins I have , but it 's a lot . A large segment of them were my age , and we played and played and played . I had aunts and uncles who I thought were all grown up , but in reality they were kids , teenagers . In a place like Knott County , if a grown up didn 't know you , they 'd always ask " Whose yore Daddy ? " , I 'd tell them , and suddenly it was like I was a member of the family , because everybody knew either my father 's family or my mother 's , in most cases both . I felt very secure , no reason not to . I had my first brush with death when I was 5 years old and my great - granfather died . I 'm going to date myself a little here - this was a man who was born in 1860 , and lived long enough to pretty much scare me to death . It was the mustache more than anything - it was a long , thick , 19th century mustache . He was a lawyer , had at one time been the county attorney , and always wore a suit . He was very stern , or at least seemed so to me . He scared me to death , and when he died just short of his 99th birthday , I didnt understand why people were upset . I didnt understand why they were digging a hole to put grandpa in . I didn 't know what death was . My next brush with death came about 3 years later , when we were in Oklahoma . It was the May after we 'd left Kentucky , and one evening my mother got a call from her brother , who tearfully told her that my cousin , his nephew , had drowned . I heard the words but they didn 't sink in - nobody said dead . I was in 8 year old complete denial , surely it was possible for someone to drown and not be dead . My father was at work , either my mom or my brother called him , I 'm not sure , and within a couple of hours we were on our way to Kentucky . My cousin drowned in Troublesome Creek , a body of water that is 99 miles long and flows into the Kentucky River I believe . Most of the year , it is probably ankle deep in the area where he drowned - but in the spring it can get very high , and can be very dangerous . They were visiting his uncle who ran a service station across the road . It took me decades before I realized the terror of that afternoon and early evening . My cousin must have felt terror , pain and absolute panic in those moments before died , struggling , but not able to get his head above water . His parents , ready to leave , couldn 't find him , probably at first felt irritation . As time when on they started feeling panic too , I 'm sure . They probably checked the houses up the hollow behind the service station to see if he was playing up there . And as time went on and as it began to get later , the horror of that flooding creek must have become more and more of a reality . At some point I 'm sure the police were called , at some point they dragged the bottom of the creek ( I don 't know if these were people trained , or just local people volunteering to try to find him ) , and at some point they found his body . His parents , who went for a visit with a very active and intelligent 7 year old son , went home childless . I don 't know how they dealt with it . I 'm not just throwing " intelligent " around , either . In one of the country 's poorest counties , my cousin 's parents had advanced degrees in education from the University of Kentucky . My cousin was learning to draw and paint , and I have a feeling could read well above his grade level . Anyway . No one knows what happened , no one saw it . But my cousin was dead . And I was in complete denial about it all . But how does an 8 year old deal with a 7 year old 's death ? Probably by being in denial . Later that summer , after school was out in Oklahoma , my parents decided it would be a good idea for me to learn to swim , and signed me up for lessons at the town swimming pool . It was very reasonable , except I was terrified . I had ( and I guess still have ) an unreasonable terror of being in water over my head . The instructors , who were nice people but were probably only high school students , could not do a thing with me . I thought they hated me , but on the last day ( about 5 days or so after I started ) , they sat down with me and talked to me , said things to make me laugh , gave me some chocolate cake , and talked to my mother and that was the end of the swimming lessons . It took me decades to link my cousin 's drowning with the terror I felt in that swimming pool . At the time I didn 't make the connection . Knott County has changed a lot in the decades since my father joined the Air Force . I mean the topography . A lot of the mountain tops have been blown off for strip mining ( or surface mining as the operators prefer to call it ) . I think there is probably flat land now all the way from Hindman to Hazard and beyond in both directions , and Knott County & Perry County have no business having that much flat land in them . But that 's the way it is . Strip mining pays well , but it 's a hard , dangerous business , both for the people and for the land . Go to google & type in Knott County Kentucky , then look at a satellite image of it . You 'll see a lot of green rugged looking terrain , but you 'll also see a lot of gray ( or light brown ) patches . Those patches are mountain tops that no longer exist . They are mountains that have been flattened , valleys that have been filled in , creeks that have been buried , and on and on . Every one of those mountain tops had a name . The operators will tell you that it 's a good thing , that when the mining operations are over , there 's land available for economic activity that didn 't exist before . And they aren 't wrong . But I can 't help it - it 's very ugly , and I don 't like it , and it 's a very high price to pay . |
The dog leash broke , right at the corner of Arnaud ( which is an alley ) and Faet . Pickles came across something invisible in the road she wanted sniff of , gave a tug and I found myself holding a leash with no dog attached . The latch had pulled right out . Pickles did not realize she was loose , however , or she would have made a break for it and had a great time . I was able to secure her again with no problem , but I thought walking a mile or so like that back home might be an issue . I called Patti Anne , who promptly got lost looking for me . The street I was on , Faet , is one of those that is in several non - connecting sections , apparently . Very European . It was warm , so Pickles and I were hanging in the shade , rather than venture out to the corner in the bright , bright , sun . But Valdese is not that big of a town , so I was eventually discovered without too much trouble . Patti Anne 's mouse died - her computer mouse . It had lasted several years . So I ran down to the computer shop on main street to buy a new one . I had to wait for a few minutes because Ron , who owns the shop , was talking to the policeman in a really cool unmarked Dodge Charger . Someone passed Ron a bad check for a pretty good sum of money , and he was none too happy about it . So we commiserated about that for a minute or two - and I paid in cash . Then I " lost " my cell phone . It was just a confusion thing . Turned out it was in the vehicle . But then I came within an inch of putting it thru a wash cycle - which would have made the 3rd phone I 'd done that to this year . But I caught it in time , so all is ok . ( Please don 't tell Patti Anne ! ) I remember some punchlines , but can 't remember the jokes . Usually if you want to tell a joke , and you know the punchline , you can create a joke that fits . Kind of like figuring out the ending to a story you want to write , then writing the story to make it work , except coming up with a joke to fit a punch - line is usually a lot easier . I finally finished that Kafka short story , " Investigations of a Dog " . 38 pages of hard , tortuous reading . A 38 page fictional examination of the psyche of a somewhat bohemian , slightly alienated , extremely curious , sociable against his will , and a very 19th century dog . Like most Kafka stories , there was something bizarre in it , something that flies in the face of reality . And like the typical reality based ( usually ) human that I am I try to rationalize it . This came when , without any apparent provocation , the canine protagonist began describing floating and soaring dogs . I closed the book and closed my eyes and thought , here we go again . This took me back to a Kafka story where one minute he was at a party , then some how he 's on a footpath running up a small hill with a friend on his shoulders . In both cases I don 't know how it happened . My great urge is to go back a few pages and see if I missed anything . This rarely works . So this time I didn 't . I just cleared my mind and accepted it . Floating dogs . Dogs soaring thru the air . Dogs who 's arguments , philosophies and science were worthless , maybe because you couldn 't understand anything they said , or maybe because they never touched the ground . Just let it go - in this story there are dogs in the air . Several pages later though , I had a revelation . Someone else may have had this revelation earlier , I don 't know . But at some point in the story it became apparent that our protagonist did not differentiate between the species - everything was some type of dog . The soaring dogs were birds . I can 't describe the relief I felt when I realized the author wasn 't describing Bischon Frises floating amongst the trees . He was in the mind of a dog , describing how a dog saw birds . Big sigh of relief - I finally understood something . Anyway , the protagonist was trying to get at the nature of what it was to be a dog , in a scientific manner . He decided a dog 's nature was all wrapped up in food , so that 's where he conducted a lot of his experiments . After all , according to dog science , if one " had food between his jaws , all his problems were solved , for the time being " . He wanted to see if his " incantations and singing " had any effect on if he received food or not . He was very confused about exactly how food appeared , and wanted to nail that down . He failed . He could not escape his dog - ness , and it tainted every observation and every experiment he did . It 'll be awhile before I read another Kafka story . But I 'm sure I will sometime in the future . I 'm drawn to them , even though I know they never do me any favors . Sunday , we went to a flea market ( swap meet in some parts of the country ) near town , just off an exit on I - 40 . I approach these things differently now than I used to . Used to , I was always looking for something I could pick up cheap to resell , either in our booth or on eBay . We don 't rent a booth anywhere anymore , and we 're much more specialized on eBay these days , so I wasn 't really looking for resell items . I was hoping to find some books , cheap . And I was disappointed , because besides some cook books , which are bit lacking in the plot department , there weren 't any . This is not a big flea market , but still it had space for twice as many vendors as were there . And there weren 't that many customers either . Some of the vendors who were there had given up and were packing their stuff away . I can feel for them , it 's hard to sell people random stuff . Even when it 's cheap . Near the end of the market was a person selling live chickens and roosters & Patti Anne wanted to go look at them . So we did . They were packing their chickens up - it was getting hot but a lot were still out . And this is where I get to the title . In 2008 we went to a flea market in Jamestown , NC , just on the other side of Morganton and much larger than this one . There were a ton of animals for sell there , from Chihuahuas to Pit Bulls . Some were people who just had puppies they needed to find homes for , but a lot were puppy mill types I 'm pretty sure . We were walking past them when we saw this black and white dog stuffed into a chicken crate - the same size we saw at the flea market yesterday . She had no room to move , period . She could not even stretch out . I was afraid the dog had been abused , and would not make a good pet , but Patti Anne has a better heart than I do , so she asked the man about it . This guy looked like he came straight out of the mountains , but he assured us that the dog was healthy & could walk and stuff like that . He warned us that she was likely to pick up stuff and carry it away ( and she does ) . He didn 't want any money , he just wanted to give her away . He said her name was " Pickles " . So we took the dog , who seemed to be scared to death . First thing we did when we got her home was give her a bath , because she was caked in red dirt . She was about 9 months old , and the next day we got her to a vet for shots , because as far as we could tell she had never had any . Later that month we had her spayed . The " free " dog cost about $ 400 the first month . That month we had to get her used to riding in a vehicle , to being in a house ( she was afraid to go in at first ) , used to stairs , housebreak her ( took about 3 weeks before she was 100 % housebroken ) , used to walking on a leash and so on . It took some work at first , but it 's turned out ok . Just her getting a little older helps - she 's not near the puppy she once was . So , Pickles got her name because that 's what that old guy at the Jamestown Flea Market said it was . She recognised it so we never changed it . I don 't know if we 're the best dog owners in the world , but she 's part of our little family now , she gets exercise , knows basic obedience commands ( sit , stay , not so great about coming when called though ) , gets enough to eat , and has a safe place to sleep at night . She thinks she 's a " good " dog and a pretty dog , and we don 't tell her any differently . I lay in bed , an unwilling participant in the earth 's rotation as manifested by the room getting lighter . The birds had started singing a while earlier , not in the least concerned that the earth was rotating . They just knew it was time to sing . My mind raced . It 's not readily apparent that my mind sometimes races - you 'd almost have to be married to me to know that . But sometimes it does . I remember once when I was 10 years old or so , my father posed the famous question to me : if a tree falls in a forest and no one was there to hear it , did it make a sound . I said , of course it does . He laughed , shook his head and said no , it doesn 't . I immediately thought , and I 'm not making this up , " ok , we have two definitions of sound " . I didn 't say this to my father , because I was 10 and I thought it best not to . But I had had occasion to hear a tree fall , and it made a sound . I saw no reason why it would not make a sound , even if I was not there to hear it . It created the waves or disturbance or whatever , and had someone been there , they would have heard it . However , if you define sound as something that has to be heard or recorded by a human in order to exist , and no one heard it or recorded it , then I guess it didn 't . At age 10 , and maybe still , I fell in with the group that held objects which had physical properties retained those physical properties , even if I wasn 't aware of them . For example , we have a very large Mulberry tree in our field of a yard . When I look at it , I see it and I know it exists . If I turn around I don 't see it , but I 'm reasonably sure it still exists . When I look again , it 's still there . Furthermore , other people are aware of it . There are others that hold the view that reality is created by consciousness , and without consciousness , there is no reality . I don 't know if they 'd go so far as to say that Mulberry tree no longer exists when I turn my back on it , but they might , and they might be able to prove it mathematically , at least at a level they can understand . I can see their point to an extent . For example , there are a lot of people on this planet and I 've never seen and never will see or meet the vast majority . I don 't know their names , their appearance or anything about them . I am not conscious of them , I have no proof that they exist . Reality is a continuing stream of thought with me . I 've got lots more to think about , from the brains of birds who don 't care about the earth 's rotation to the possibility that on a very small level at least , a physical entity can be in more than one place at the same time . I 'll think about it later tho . Right now , I 'm hungry . At 1 : 36 AM this morning I lay awake with a bad headache . A storm was moving through , so I watched reflections of lightening bounce off the bedroom walls , and listened to the thunder . It was very warm , and the lightening & thunder seemed quite close . Slowly it moved further & further away , I did not hear any strong winds or rain . I don 't get headaches very often , and when I do , it 's usually not bad . This one was painful . So I stayed there , not moving , hoping that calmness would make it go away . I had nothing else to do but think , so I thought . Why are people the way they are ? It 's the old nature vs . nurture argument . I know the way I am ( mostly ) but I can 't always tell you why . I 'm sure there are genetics involved that predispose me toward certain types of behaviors . The fact that I think about this stuff sometimes , being one of them . It also seems reasonable that if my parents had different values , raised me in a completely different place with different experiences , I might be a different person . Perhaps even think differently . I don 't know . A long time ago I was friends with a person who lived a very structured life . At 2 PM every Sunday , it didn 't matter what was going on , he was going to check the oil and fluid levels on his car . And I 'd think , why no earlier or later , and why Sunday ? Also , whenever he mowed his grass , he 'd drain all the oil out of the lawnmower into a large glass container , then add it back when he mowed again . Where did he learn this stuff , what was it about him that made him do stuff like this ? And this was just two out of dozens of examples of a life structure that I found odd . Some people are slightly manic - always on the go , always feel that have to be doing something to fill up their days . Sitting still is like death to them . Sometimes I wish I were like that , because I 'd get more done , or at least more useful stuff done , perhaps . But I 'm perfectly content to sit in a chair and stare into space lost in daydreams or useless introspection . In fact , that is my natural inclination . Many years ago a person came into the periphery or my life through no choice of my own . He was from an older generation , very quickly ascertained that I didn 't play golf , didn 't hunt , and could live my life quite happily without ever touching a power tool . In fact to me , a power tool would very quickly equal a missing finger or worse . He pretty much thought I was worthless and didn 't mind letting me know . But I knew better . I had an education , had learned a foreign language , had a son who loved me , had completely re - invented myself career wise after I got out of the Army , and had the income , house and property to prove it . I liked photography , I liked reading , I liked riding around and looking at things . But most of these things were intangible , they weren 't things you could hit with a stick . Or a golf club . I pretty much thought he was an asshole , but I was too nice to tell him that . But the bigger question that I so nicely digressed from is , as always , why ? Is it nature or nurture ? In the movie " Trading Spaces " , Eddie Murphy is taken from a very lowly circumstance and turned into valuable professional , all so someone ( was it Don Amechi ? ) could win a $ 1 . 00 bet . The bet was that anybody , given the proper training and environment ( and I assume reasonable intelligence ) could become a top notch trader . In the movie , that turned out to be a case , it was nurture over nature . But it 's just a movie , so it doesn 't prove a thing . I ran out of stuff that I wanted to read , so I picked up my copy of Kafka short stories . I opened it up almost , but not quite , at random to a story called " Investigations of a Dog " . I stared at the title for a long time , with some trepidation . I checked to see how long it was , just to see what I was in for . 38 pages of small print . 38 pages of challenging reading . I was tired , I was looking at this while in bed , and I wondered if I really wanted to do this to myself . Did I want to put myself through this ? I figured why not . So I started reading . By the second page I found myself going back and re - reading portions of the first page , just to double check my understanding , to make sure I hadn 't missed something . It is not light reading . I don 't know what it is with my run - ins with Kafka through the years . I 'm not sure why I 've kept that book . Part of the reason is I take it as a personal challenge , I think . I will not admit that I cannot get thru , and understand , any piece of literature that is written in English , no matter how difficult . I don 't have this problem with people like Faulkner . Heck , I don 't even have it with Hermann Hesse , I 've read both Siddhartha & Steppenwolf and maybe a few other things he 's written . Just Kafka . Why is that ? Of course I 'm reading translations . I 'm not sure if Kafka wrote in German or Czech ( I should find that out ) , but what ever it was , it was the 19th century version of the language . To do it justice , the translation should reflect that , and it sort of does . There are long sentences , lots of clauses , lots of passive voice writing , not lending itself to any kind of college Freshman Composition class . So it 's hard to read from that perspective . Also , its difficult to read because it 's just so weird . You have to discover what is going on , and I find myself going back and re - reading because I either have trouble believing what I 'm reading , or I lost the flow of the story somehow . This story , for example , is being told from the point of view of an apparently alienated , decidedly bohemian dog . And as the reader , I know nothing more than what the dog knows , nothing more than what the dog sees or experiences with his other senses . I know what the dog thinks , I know his opinions , and it is not easy to follow . The dog describes things in a way most humans wouldn 't . Kafka is a very , very good writer . But at the moment , I have no idea where the story is going . Everything Kafka has ever written is like that , at least to me . I 've had this book for years . I guess I 'll keep it and force my way thru a story every now and then . He wrote a story about a man who woke up and found that he was a huge insect - his most famous , probably . He wrote another about a man sitting at the gates of heaven for years , afraid to ask permission from St . Peter to enter ( I think ) . That one was a parable , and I 'm still shaking my head . He wrote one about building the Great Wall of China , and after reading that I remember thinking , yep , that 's pretty much what it was like being in the Army . Ever since I looked online a couple of years ago , I 've been telling anybody who asked , that my dog Pickles was a Bluetick / Lab mix . I ran into a person who agreed with the Lab part , but not the Bluetick - he insisted that Pickle 's is a Blue Heeler . He said he had raised & trained Blue Heelers , and she had the markings . Pickles is smaller than either a Lab or a Bluetick . She is a moderate to high energy dog ( despite her appearance in the picture ) , extremely alert . She has a very good and resounding bark - not quite the quality of a Basset Hound maybe , but you won 't ignore it . She is basically friendly , though that is not always apparent to strangers . In the words of a little girl in the Food Lion parking lot , she 's " all ticked up " . Her ears are Lab - like , but her body markings arent . She has the one large black spot you can see in the picture , and a smaller one near her tail that you can 't see . She get 's a lot of looks , because she looks like a dog that might be good at something . Personality wise , she 's always on the alert . Constantly looking out windows , going from one to another , and barking at anything that comes close to our property , especially people and other dogs . She seems to track things , if she catches a sent she wants to follow it , and she follows it on the ground . I 've not seen any herding characteristics , but I wouldn 't know them if they kicked me in the nose . She has a LOT of energy - the walks I take her on , no matter how far , are mere child 's play for her . I was used to being able to outlast dogs on long walks , but I cannot outlast Pickles . So now I looked online again , and I 've seen Blue Heelers with body markings similar to Pickles . The head is much different , but some of the body 's look very close . I 'm starting to join the Blue Heeler camp . It doesn 't matter . Pickles is our dog , she 's part of the family , and she 's a mutt . But it gives me something to talk about . Howdy from a relatively HUMID North Carolina , & the pun was indeed intended . This is going to be a long , rambling post , with no particular purpose , so just know that going into it . Won 't hurt my feelings if you don 't have the patience . I took a quick trip to Kentucky last weekend , to visit my father , who is just shy of being in his mid - 80s . He 'd spent Thursday night in the hospital , and when I showed up on Friday I could tell he wasn 't feeling well . I wasn 't feeling well either , I 'd managed to hurt my back somehow a couple of days earlier , and it was getting difficult for me to navigate on my own two feet . By Saturday , my father was moving around a lot better than I was . My father joined the Air Force when I was 7 years old . Until that time I 'd spent my entire life in Knott County , Kentucky - specifically Hindman and it 's environs . And I 'm absolutely positive I sounded like it . But in the summer , shortly before my 8th birthday , we packed up and headed out to Altus AFB in Oklahoma . We said our goodbyes to grandparents , uncles , aunts and cousins . My mother was sad and excited at the same time , and I didn 't have a clue . Completely clueless . Before the next school year started , I 'd been to Oklahoma , out to Arizona , on to California then back to Oklahoma . After Oklahoma , I 'd find my self in Montana , Germany , & Colorado , then back to Kentucky for some college , then off again , all over creation for a long time . Maybe if everybody examines their life , they can find a point where there is a dividing line . Where things were one way before and another way after . Or maybe most people cant . But I can , and it is very stark , and very real , and I didn 't realize it for years and years . But looking out the back window of the car as we drove on that dirt road down the hill , seeing my uncle and cousin standing there looking quite sad as we left , is the major dividing point in my life . That exact moment . Before that things were one way , after that things were another . Actually , when we left , we were taking part in a large migration out of Eastern Kentucky . The area had been losing population for years , and continued to lose for years afterwards . We joined the herd . Eventually the area lost it 's congressional district , and was gerrymanded into a couple of others . Before : I was very young . I was part of a large extended family - I still don 't really know how many first cousins I have , but it 's a lot . A large segment of them were my age , and we played and played and played . I had aunts and uncles who I thought were all grown up , but in reality they were kids , teenagers . In a place like Knott County , if a grown up didn 't know you , they 'd always ask " Whose yore Daddy ? " , I 'd tell them , and suddenly it was like I was a member of the family , because everybody knew either my father 's family or my mother 's , in most cases both . I felt very secure , no reason not to . I had my first brush with death when I was 5 years old and my great - granfather died . I 'm going to date myself a little here - this was a man who was born in 1860 , and lived long enough to pretty much scare me to death . It was the mustache more than anything - it was a long , thick , 19th century mustache . He was a lawyer , had at one time been the county attorney , and always wore a suit . He was very stern , or at least seemed so to me . He scared me to death , and when he died just short of his 99th birthday , I didnt understand why people were upset . I didnt understand why they were digging a hole to put grandpa in . I didn 't know what death was . My next brush with death came about 3 years later , when we were in Oklahoma . It was the May after we 'd left Kentucky , and one evening my mother got a call from her brother , who tearfully told her that my cousin , his nephew , had drowned . I heard the words but they didn 't sink in - nobody said dead . I was in 8 year old complete denial , surely it was possible for someone to drown and not be dead . My father was at work , either my mom or my brother called him , I 'm not sure , and within a couple of hours we were on our way to Kentucky . My cousin drowned in Troublesome Creek , a body of water that is 99 miles long and flows into the Kentucky River I believe . Most of the year , it is probably ankle deep in the area where he drowned - but in the spring it can get very high , and can be very dangerous . They were visiting his uncle who ran a service station across the road . It took me decades before I realized the terror of that afternoon and early evening . My cousin must have felt terror , pain and absolute panic in those moments before died , struggling , but not able to get his head above water . His parents , ready to leave , couldn 't find him , probably at first felt irritation . As time when on they started feeling panic too , I 'm sure . They probably checked the houses up the hollow behind the service station to see if he was playing up there . And as time went on and as it began to get later , the horror of that flooding creek must have become more and more of a reality . At some point I 'm sure the police were called , at some point they dragged the bottom of the creek ( I don 't know if these were people trained , or just local people volunteering to try to find him ) , and at some point they found his body . His parents , who went for a visit with a very active and intelligent 7 year old son , went home childless . I don 't know how they dealt with it . I 'm not just throwing " intelligent " around , either . In one of the country 's poorest counties , my cousin 's parents had advanced degrees in education from the University of Kentucky . My cousin was learning to draw and paint , and I have a feeling could read well above his grade level . Anyway . No one knows what happened , no one saw it . But my cousin was dead . And I was in complete denial about it all . But how does an 8 year old deal with a 7 year old 's death ? Probably by being in denial . Later that summer , after school was out in Oklahoma , my parents decided it would be a good idea for me to learn to swim , and signed me up for lessons at the town swimming pool . It was very reasonable , except I was terrified . I had ( and I guess still have ) an unreasonable terror of being in water over my head . The instructors , who were nice people but were probably only high school students , could not do a thing with me . I thought they hated me , but on the last day ( about 5 days or so after I started ) , they sat down with me and talked to me , said things to make me laugh , gave me some chocolate cake , and talked to my mother and that was the end of the swimming lessons . It took me decades to link my cousin 's drowning with the terror I felt in that swimming pool . At the time I didn 't make the connection . Knott County has changed a lot in the decades since my father joined the Air Force . I mean the topography . A lot of the mountain tops have been blown off for strip mining ( or surface mining as the operators prefer to call it ) . I think there is probably flat land now all the way from Hindman to Hazard and beyond in both directions , and Knott County & Perry County have no business having that much flat land in them . But that 's the way it is . Strip mining pays well , but it 's a hard , dangerous business , both for the people and for the land . Go to google & type in Knott County Kentucky , then look at a satellite image of it . You 'll see a lot of green rugged looking terrain , but you 'll also see a lot of gray ( or light brown ) patches . Those patches are mountain tops that no longer exist . They are mountains that have been flattened , valleys that have been filled in , creeks that have been buried , and on and on . Every one of those mountain tops had a name . The operators will tell you that it 's a good thing , that when the mining operations are over , there 's land available for economic activity that didn 't exist before . And they aren 't wrong . But I can 't help it - it 's very ugly , and I don 't like it , and it 's a very high price to pay . |
I think I can officially say that Twinkie 's potty training has been successful . She hasn 't had an accident in two weeks . Well , there was one day she peed on the ground when she was outside running in the sprinklers but I am not going to count that . She knew what she was doing because she moved her swimsuit to the side so she could ' make a puddle . ' She has been wearing a diaper to bed but she has been dry for about a week . The other night she even woke me up in middle of the night to tell me she had to go pee . The funny part is that the bathroom is closer to her than my room but oh well . She usually goes herself and I only ask her once or twice a day . She is obsessed with going to the bathroom at Mr . Man 's work . Anytime we are there to pick him up or drive by she wants to go pee at daddy 's work . It 's funny at night when she has a diaper on because she tells us " I am a baby now . " But when she takes off the diaper she is a big girl . We went and picked up a playhouse that we bought off someone on a yahoo group . I love it . I will take a picture tomorrow and post it . I had to bribe my brother to haul it for me . It 's like a smaller pink version of a wood shed . It even has a porch . The man threw in the stuff he had with it so I also got a Little Tikes table and chairs , a washer and some kind of kitchen thing . He also gave me one of those big plastic cars that you ride in . The house needs to be touched up and maybe some kind of linoleum for the floor but it 's in great shape and we got it for like 1 / 4 of the price of a new one . We would 've never bought one if I hadn 't seen this one . I was lucky too because I was able to see it the next morning and they still had several people coming later that day . Even though we aren 't moving for awhile , I am dreading having to beg someone to move it for me again . Oh well . The things we do for our children : ) . And I guess from my brother 's standpoint , things he will do for his very cute nieces . Well not any time soon but we have a plan . That is always a start . When we moved here , it was never meant to be forever . Now two children later , we need to figure out what we want to do . So in one and half years or so we are moving to the town an hour away . We will still be close to my family but far enough away for me to be able to keep my sanity . I love my family but it 's so hard living next door to them . I have mentioned this before , but we are just so different from them . We need to get our cars paid off and by then we will be mostly out of debt . This is kind of the straw that broke the camel 's back . It isn 't the reason but more of a sum of everything that happens . Twinkie did something that she shouldn 't have . I think it was more parent error than toddler error so she had to sit down and that was that . Then a little while later , I am sitting there with my sister in law , brother , and mom . My sister in law says , " Don 't get offended but I think you should 've spanked her . " Ummm . . . anytime someone starts a sentence like that , you know you will be offended . I just told her that we had different views about discipline and left like that . However , I was seething . I was kicking myself for not saying anything . When I complained to my mom her reply was that she would 've said it if my sister in law didn 't . It is nobody 's flucking business how I discipline my children . My sister in law is my friend . . . . a very good friend and of all people knows how it irritates me when my parents criticize me like that . I was so upset and it might be a little childish but I feel betrayed by her . I will remain friends with her but it will take me a long time to trust her again . I know that might sound like an overreaction on my part but you should just take my word for it . So it 's just all the little things that add up to me hating it here . I hate that I am judged by them . I hate that my mom is so negative to me about everything . I hate how everything we do with or buy our children is compared to what everyone else has . The hardest thing is tPosted by I know I have been a blogger slacker . I have pretty much been a slacker in my day to day life so I need to get back in the groove . Tater turned 1 today . I can 't believe how time is flying . She is a toddler now , not a baby . Well I guess she is still my baby . She is going to walk any day now and I don 't know if I am ready for that . It seems like she just started crawling . When we found out that I was pregnant with Tater , it was such a huge shock . We had tried for years to get pregnant with Twinkie . I was even on clomid for several months and it didn 't work . Then one day I was pregnant . My pregnancy with her was stressful and hard . I had a severe bleeding and they thought I would lose her at 3 months and then I had another episode at 5 months . The birth wasn 't great . The dr ended up using a vacuum and I had major tearing . Ouch . I know you are cringing . Anyway , just after Twinkie turned one , I was pregnant with Tater . It 's like I can 't get pregnant and then I have them not even 2 years apart . I was working at the time and had plans to be there longterm . Then she came along and everything changed . Honestly , I was shocked at being pregnant but I wasn 't that happy . For a few months there , I think I bordered on being depressed . I felt so horrible and guilty about not being totally happy . My sister in law thought I was horrible because how could I not already love her ? Well I didn 't . I loved Twinkie so unconditionally that I couldn 't imagine feeling that way about another baby . At that point , I would 've been happy with just one child . Now , I can 't imagine my life without her . I know so many people feel that way . My cousin just went through it when she was pregnant with her second . However , when Tater was born , everything changed . Of course I loved her . Even though people tell you that love multiplies and doesn 't divide , it doesn 't really make sense until the second one is here . My pregnancy was so easy with her . Even though I was induced with her , the birth was 20 times easier and faster . I pushed for a few minutes where it Posted by My in laws came this weekend . Well they actually came Sunday and are leaving in the morning . Sunday , we met them for dinner . Twinkie had played outside all day and halfway through dinner , she fell asleep sitting up . It was kind of funny . Then today , we went and met them early . We walked around town and ate lunch . Then we went to the park and the girls had a blast . They went swimming with their Grammy and Twinkie floated on her own . I am so proud of her . They took a quick nap and we went shopping and then ate dinner . Visits are usually pretty short so we pack in as much as we can . Twinkie was so sad that they were leaving . She insisted that we move her carseat so she pretty much spent the whole day with them . It was a nice visit . My girls are lucky that they are loved like that . So , we are eating lunch today . We are about 1 / 2 way through and Twinkie said that she had to go potty . I take her and she takes FOREVER . She is sitting on the toilet singing and counting . Finally she goes and we go back to the table . She is telling me that she has to finish eating . Well we get to the table and all the plates have been cleared . I was extremely irritated at my husband . Since he was done , he gives such little thought that Twinkie and I spent 1 / 2 the lunch in the bathroom . Twinkie was upset and kept asking for more food . I was upset because it was absolutely UNthoughtful of my husband . Anyway , I don 't know why it annoyed me so much but it did . We are having a yard sale this weekend . I mostly only have baby things so we 'll see . It usually goes pretty well because there are three families . We have one every year . What is funny is that we have the same people stop by every year . I need to make money . Want to know why ? heheI am driving home the other day when I pass this Mexican restaurant that is selling Pinatas . I stop and buy the biggest Spongebob pinata ever made . It 's huge . It like comes up to my shoulders . The girls birthday is in a couple of weeks so I thought I would use it then . However , it 's going to be expensive to fill . Posted by We are finally home . We all have the stench of campfire , sunscreen and bug spray but you know . . . The good news is that the camper had no evidence of mice . There were also tons of people there . Twinkie had so much fun . She partied like a rock star . She even got to swim in the lake . That was alot to take with my OCD tendencies but it was fine . Even Tater loved sitting in sand and crawling around . She wasn 't a fan of the water but she still had fun . It was soooo hot though . Seriously in middle of the day , unless you were in the water , you better hope you had air conditioning . Ugh . I am so freaking tired . Both girls have taken baths . I think I am going to take a shower and go to bed . Ohhhh . . . . my own bed . You would 've thought I had been gone for weeks instead of just two nights . Posted by I am a horrible book checker outer . Is that even a term ? Anyway , in the past ( aka : before children ) , I would read all the time . I don 't as much now but I still try . I usually buy books but the problem is that I read them so fast that it is always such a waste of money . I try to become money conscious and go to the library . When I buy a book , I read it and then it 's still new looking and I donate them or sale them ( except if I love it and I put it on my bookshelf ) . Anyway , if I check a book out of the library , it 's just a disaster . About 6 months ago I checked out a book and I could never find it to return it . I ended up having to pay for it . Wouldn 't you know I found it a week later under my car seat . Then last night , my cat knocked over my drink all over the book I am currently reading . So I quickly ordered it off Amazon and I hope they are nice since I am replacing it . One of the children 's books I have has teeth marks and I am suspicious that those teeth marks would match up perfect with Tater . I suck with library books . I still have a book from another library ( you know , the porn one ) that I can 't find even though I really thought I returned it . I am usually an organized person . How is it then that I can 't manage to take care of a couple of books that I borrow ? My books are perfect , books I borrow . . . . something always happens . We are going camping in the morning . Woo hoo ( enter sarcasm here ) . So everyone have a great 4th of July ! I guess we are going camping over the weekend . I hate camping . I always have . I am not one that can go without showers and I can NEVER pee in the wilderness . I just wasn 't cut out for it . However , we now have a camper . I think it 's from like the 80 's but hey , it 's a camper . It 's been sitting outside all winter so I was positive there would be mice evidence . If you have read my blog previously , you know there can 't be anything worse . I looked today and it seemed okay so we 'll see . The last time we went it was last summer and I was like 9 months pregnant . It was not fun at all . Especially when everyone gets drunk and I am sitting there fat and sober . I am still nursing so I guess I will still be the fat and sober one . The only reason I am going is because everyone is going . I have a huge extended family and they use this as kind of an unofficial reunion . My grandparents have a ' homemade ' campground about a mile from a lake . It 's pretty nice . There are bathrooms and a playground . I know Twinkie will have tons of fun . So wish me luck that I survive the wilderness ( well semi - wilderness ) . Potty training is going okay . Twinkie didn 't want to put on a diaper for bed tonight so I know she will wet the bed . Oh well . Today , she peed her pants in the car . Being the bad mom that I am , I didn 't have any extra clothes . I tried to rinse out her panties and shorts in the bathroom at the restaurant and then dry it with the auto dryer and it kind of worked . I am sure the people that came in loved my 2 year old standing there half naked . Plus , I kept running the dryer and it made it soooo hot in the bathroom . Then we went to Walmart to buy things for our ' camping ' trip . Going camping is expensive after all . We bought marshmallows but we already opened them and me and the girls ate some . I should 've bought an extra bag . When will I learn ? How can you resist a huge marshmallow ? Okay , I admit that I opened the bag before we even pulled out the parking lot . If you would have seen the way that Twinkie said marshmallow , you would 've caved tPosted by I just had to say that I love that show . I had the episodes recorded and finally watched them . I always thought I wanted to live in the 50 's . Now I want to go back to the 70 's . Not to be swingers . . . . well probably not : ) . But everything was just so cool . Have you ever seen that movie Dazed and Confused ? Now they were cool . Seriously . Check it out . I would actually like one show that I enjoy to stick around . You know in US magazine ( or mazagine as Twinkie would say ) , they gave Army Wives a bad review . I hate that because I really like that show too . Oh while I am on the subject of TV , I also watched Baby Borrowers last night . I thought it was kind of funny . I couldn 't imagine letting some teens watch my baby . I know the parents get to watch them from another location and intervene if they need to , but how sad when the babies would just cry and cry . I would want to go and pick her up . Then I thought it was funny how one girl threw a fit because she didn 't want to wear the maternity tummy . Another girl was all offended that the baby 's mom came and talked to her . Very mature . I also watched the Wipeout show . You can tell what I do when everyone goes to bed ? Blog and watch TV . Anyway , I laughed because it 's always funny when people are getting hurt . Posted by Potty training continues . I was lazy for a few days and so it was diapers . Today , Twinkie had no accidents . Very cool . She even wanted to wear her panties to bed but we are not even close to that . She is excited to use the potty . It is actually so cute because she just beams everytime she goes . I guess it really is true that they are ready when they are ready . Previously , my mom said that I would probably have to spank her . Ummm . . . yeah , that would 've worked . Twinkie just wants to go to school and she knows that she has to be potty trained to do it . She has another two months so we are doing good . Today we did absolutely nothing . We seriously played in the floor most of the day . I would show you a picture of my living room but it 's just embarrassing . I am trying to ignore the mess right now . The good news is I have most of the playroom put together . The bad news is half of my livingroom is full of things that came out of there . We are thinking of having a yard sale . I just can 't decide what to do with the baby stuff . Keep it . . . . sell it ? Hmmmm . . . I feel a little better today . Maybe I can blame it on PMS . Which I have to tell you , I always heard that when you had children , things because better in that area . THEY WERE LYING . I am still not talking to my sister in law . I will continue being childish . She probably doesn 't even notice . haha I haven 't posted because I am not sure that I have anything interesting to say . My life has been pretty boring . I have been grumpy this week and I don 't know why . Tonight , I let my sister in law offend me so now I am being childish and I am not talking to her . How mature of me to know that I am being childish right ? The girls and I went to my nephews baseball game . I asked her if I could sit where her carseat was so that I could park Tater next to me . She asked me where she was supposed to put him ( my nephew in his carseat ) . I just told her that it probably didn 't matter since it wasn 't like he was watching the game . Then her 3 year old told me that he was going to pour gatorade on me . I told him that wasn 't nice . He sat next to me and she had him move . I told her he could sit by me and she said that he couldn 't because I had a bad attitude . Seriously . Whatever . I told her that I apologized for invading her space and took my children and moved to different bleachers . She can be a bitch for weeks and we are all supposed to live with it . I am grumpy and she won 't let her kid sit next to me . WHATEVER . I am so irritated with her . I mean it 's more than that but nothing I really want to go into . Another story for another time . I did go to the meeting about the sex offender . He lives behind us about a mile back . We live in the country is it 's only like four houses away . I don 't know , the meeting was kind of vague . I guess he lives next door to his brother who is also a registered sex offender . Doesn 't that make you wonder how their childhood was . I mean is that common to have two sex offenders in the same family ? I have seen if before but the times I have seen it , it was a dad and his son . There was a post on the message board about CPS visiting a family . I didn 't read all of it because it was so long . However , I miss that life . I am not sure I miss the job . I mean it 's a hard job for not alot of money . I guess I just miss doing something that was . . . I don 't know . Important maybe . Not that being a mom isn 't . . . . it 's just diffPosted by We are doing it today and it 's not going so horrible . Usually by now she would have tons of accidents . She doesn 't want to sit on the training seat though , just the normal toilet . We 'll see . I am hopeful . My advice for parents though . Potty train before you have a baby . I think it makes a little harder when you have to stop places or go potty 500 times lugging a baby around . Maybe I am just lazy . I am going to a meeting tonight . I guess a Violent Sexual Offender is moving in our neighborhood . We live in a pretty rural area and the notice was rather vague about the area so we 'll see . He could be in the next town . But the meeting is just down the road so it makes me think it 's closer to us . I barely want to live here . Seriously , it 's a tiny town . Why would you move here being public enemy # 1 ? It 's very odd . Everyone knows everyone . If you want to blend in , wouldn 't you live in a city ? When we lived in a city , I would go weeks / months without seeing anyone I knew in public . Here , NEVER . I grew up here and I remember I would walk down the road and my dad would get a few calls before I even made it home wondering what I was doing . He 's probably moving in with his girlfriend and her four kids . I made them up but I am sure they exist . When I worked for CPS , I can 't tell you how many times I saw this . ~ It was different , he wouldn 't do that to my kids . ~ But I love him . ~ My daughter is lying . . . she wants attention . . . her grandparents put her up to it . ~ She is jealous . It was so sad . I don 't mean to go on and on but I remember once this little girl ( around 10 ) telling me how sad she was that her mom didn 't believe her . She later tried to take back her story because her mom was upset at her for messing up her relationship . Did you know that when children recant , they are probably telling the truth ? I don 't know the stats but I have heard that several times . I can 't tell you how many interviews I watched with little kids . It was always the boyfriend . Seriously . Then when babies were hurt , it was always that damn couch . Why I am even Posted by Today is our anniversary . Woo hoo for us . We went out to dinner and it was okay . We had never been there before . We are usually pretty basic . I mean we have two children so it 's not like we get out a lot . When we do eat out , I try to pick the most kid friendly places as I can . So this place was opposite that . You know where the food looks like art . I had roasted chicken . It was good . The potatoes were strange . . . . maybe too lemony . I don 't know . Mr . Man had two different beef things . The best part was dessert where I had what was officially called " Hazelnut Banana Torte . " It was really like a piece of banana bread with ice cream on it . I felt like I was on an episode of ' Top Chef ' that I love . I actually recognized things on the menu because of the show . See , I learned something from television . Tater missed me . When we picked her up from my sister in laws house , she lunged toward me . Then she tried to pull down my shirt . So it wasn 't me she missed but my boobs . Poor baby . We have lost control of bedtime in our house . I don 't even know how to get it back . I think it 's a summer thing because I remember it being like this last year . A couple times a week we watch my nephews play baseball and we get home late those nights . Then the times we have to go and pick up Mr . Man from work . It just throws are schedule off so then the girls are wound up and it always takes them forever to go to sleep . Then Twinkie usually ends up in our bed before morning . I never even hear her come in . I will just wake up and there she is sleeping . I don 't care that she is there but I feel like I should . I don 't know if that makes sense or not but I figure she won 't be sleeping with us when she is in high school . However , Tater might . I meant to add this before but my great - grandma just celebrated her 90th birthday . Isn 't that crazy ? I never realized that she was getting so old . She looks old too and it makes me sad . For the last few years she has not been in the best of health . She 's had diabetes for awhile , then last year had some heart problems . Plus , she is extremely heavy so now she is in a wheelchair and needs help doing things . It makes me sad even to write about it because I know we don 't have much longer with her . My parents were young when they had me . My mom turned 18 like two weeks before I was born . I spent almost everyday at my great - grandma 's house . She would watch children all day . I remember once there were twins there named Mandy and Candy . That always cracked me up . Anyway , usually there were my cousins coming in and out of her house . We would spend the day playing . We ran around the front yard and played capture the flag . We climbed her apple tree and ate those horrible crab apples . We walked to Blake 's and paid 25 cents for flavored ice . We had kool - aid stands on the corner of her road . If I had to actually say it , times at her house with my cousins were the best times of my childhood . We would stay the night with her every New Year 's Eve while all of our parents went out . Then at midnight , we would hit pots and pans together until a neighbor got mad at us . It 's funny because she still lives in the same house but things are so much different . For one , her yard was so big to me when I was little and even though it 's the same size now , it seems so much smaller . The apple tree I fell out of when I was about 8 , I can now reach the branches . She had a dip in her yard that we would all sit in and talk . That dip now could probably only fit one adult . Times have changed too . The corner we had kool - aid stands on is now one of the busiest roads in the town . I would NEVER let my child make that walk to Blake 's . Well I guess now none of us would even send our children to the front yard to play . We would all be safety enclosed in our backPosted by Well actually it is my great - grandmother . We went to her birthday party on Saturday . It was kind of annoying because I only heard a rumor about a party on Thursday so I called my grandma to confirm . She said that invitations barely were sent out . Usually things in my family are potluck but nobody knew if this was the case . Then it said to RSVP but didn 't have anyone to RSVP to . Anyway , so we went . Of course they ran out of food . Well they had hot dogs . But if you see my previous post , maybe it 's better than we didn 't really get the chance to eat . That 's like last weekend we went to my cousin 's son 's birthday . She ran out of party bags . So Twinkie didn 't get one and was all upset . Hello ? Shouldn 't you have enough for the children that you invite . We RSVP 'd . It 's not like we need a party bag but when all the other children have one and she doesn 't , it 's not pleasant . I guess I am a planner . I do not understand how I come from a family that are NOT planners . I am usually on time to things and I come from a family that are always late . Even Saturday , the party started at 11 : 30 a . m . and I tried to get there late because I should know how it is . I didn 't there until almost noon and there were like 2 people there . Ugh . My mom is classic . My sister 's birthday is on Thursday ( she will be 11 ) . I keep asking her what she is doing but they have no clue . She complains that nobody will be there but seriously . . . what do you expect when you don 't plan ? I am already planning the girls birthday and I still have two months . But you know what ? ? People come to my things . That pisses my mom off too . She really expects us to keep weekends open when it 's time for her kid 's birthdays . We have missed so many because she just doesn 't plan . A little effort , that is all . I was going to rent a bouncy house for Twinkie and Tater 's birthday ( we are having them together ) . I got a huge eye roll about that one . Whatever . Two nights ago , Twinkie woke up about 1 : 30 a . m just screaming . Mr . Man went to check on her and I heard her tell him that she spit in her bed ( aka vomit ) . So we got her up , cleaned everything , dressed her in new pj 's and laid her down in our bed . I guess since it was middle of the night , we weren 't prepared because she threw up on our bed . So we stripped our bed and put on new sheets , changed her pj 's and cleaned her up again . Finally , I put her in her clean bed and she is half asleep . About 30 minutes later , repeat above . Finally , she is in clean jammies and laying on the recliner with a towel under her . I finally got smart and had a trash can ready . She didn 't really get the concept but it helped . I slept next to her for most of the night and then Mr . Man took the early morning shift . She was kind of sluggish most of Father 's Day but she wanted nachos that night so I figure she is okay . It was just so sad when she said that she spit in her bed , our bed , on the chair and her bed again . Okay , so then I am sick . I woke up that morning kind of down but by 9 : 00 a . m . I was also ' spitting ' and feeling horrible . Needless to say , Mr . Man had a crappy Father 's Day . He took care of Tater most of the day while me and Twinkie slept and watched T . V . I feel better today but my stomach is still kind of tender . I bet we ate something . Who knows . I know we both had some guacamole at a party . How can you mess up guacamole ? So I think my aunt was trying to kill us . Don 't you love when conversations start out like " I am not trying to tell you how to parent , but you are going to have to spank her . " Just a quote from my mom . Moving on . . . . We went to a birthday party this last weekend for my cousin 's 2 year old . It was during his naptime so that was fun . He pretty much didn 't want to do anything and kept crying and stomping around . Why would you have a party during naptime ? Then my cousin married a ' perfect ' family . I know you know the kind I am talking about . I feel kind of bad for her because there is a lot of pressure on her to be like them . One of them had a daughter named ' Bentley ' . Enough said . Today , Mr . Man was off work . We went to Target . It 's like an hour away so it was the highlight of my month . Of course , I spend too much money everytime I go there . I bought the girls some cute shirts , a few toys , and a book for me . Mostly I was looking for a shelf but didn 't find anything I liked . Shocking I know . I do have a list for what I want next time I go . Tomorrow I am staying home and cleaning my mess of a house . I told Mr . Man if CPS came over they would probably take our kids away . I know , I used to work there . Well , maybe it 's not CPS bad but it could go there unless I get control of the mess . OKAY . . . . . DISCLAIMER . FOLLOWING STORY IS THE WORST HOUSE I EVER SAW WHILE WORKING FOR CPS . So myself and another worker went to this home . I think it was a trailer if I remember right . The report was that the children were sleeping outside and the house was a mess . Well , when the woman opened the door , the smell just overwhelmed you . I thought I was going to be sick . I had even put Vicks under my nose ( smelly house trick ) . The floor was just matted carpet ( pee and feces everywhere ) . In the kitchen , there was a hole in the floor that showed the ground . The fridge was completely black on the inside . There was just a couch and bed . Well and this huge cat castle . I can 't remember how many animals she had but it was quite a few . She said that the kids liked sleeping outside ( even though they aPosted by We had Mr . Man 's company picnic today . It was fun . I usually only like the giveaways even though I never win . We always win a stupid kid toy . Same thing this year . It 's one of those game things you hook to the T . V . I was hoping for at least a toy that I could regift . Oh well . I wanted to win the iPod or the outdoor fire pit . That would have been nice . They had a bouncy house and I think Twinkie jumped for 3 hours straight . She loves those things . I am one of those moms that lets her on even though the older kids want to go crazy . Then they have to slow down because she is so little . The funny part of the day is that she pretended to be lost even though I could see her . The first time she was talking to a girl about 12 or 13 . I didn 't think anything of it and then the girl picked her up . I got to her just as a man was asking her what her mommy 's name was and Twinkie looking all sad . The second time I was like 10 feet away . Maybe she just has that look of a abandoned child about her . She milks it too . She also had like 5 sno - cones and some cotton candy . No wonder she had so much energy to bounce that much . She never wanted to leave . I had to bribe her with renting one for her birthday . Is that too much ? Hmmm . . . . Jackass and his family wasn 't there . That was a good thing . Even though there were tons of people there , I just didn 't want them to show up . Skankho wasn 't there either . Hmmm . . . last I heard , Jackass 's family was out of town so it wouldn 't surprise me if he and Skankho decided to take advantage of that . And for the last thing of the evening , Twinkie put together a puzzle . Now , Mr . Man thinks she is a genius . I am thinking I should go to bed . Today was long with the heat and being out all day . Plus , this morning I did tons of hula hooping on the Wii fit . I am too lazy to do anything else . Mr . Man is asleep on the couch . Which kind of makes me wonder why I am still watching the stupid NBA finals . Especially since I know Army Wives is on . I love that show . Posted by We just got back from visiting my in - laws . They are about 500 miles away . It was a nice trip . I kind of wish we could 've stayed another day or two . Shocking huh ? It 's kind of nice to have someone that wants to watch your kid . I think one day I even slept until like 8 : 00 a . m . My girls love their grammy and she adores them . Twinkie didn 't want to leave . We usually see them every couple of months . Mr . Man and I have flirted with the idea of moving there . It 's a nice town . Much bigger than where we are now with a lower cost of living . For example , if we bought here it would be like $ 100 , 000 more here than in their town . I am totally serious about that too . It 's crazy . We 'll see . I would feel bad about leaving my family but I am not sure it would be that big of deal . I don 't know . I am tired , it was a long trip . Goodnight . Well Jackass is up to it again . If you have read my previous entries , you know that Jackass is the loving name given to Mr . Man 's coworker . You know , the one that pretends he isn 't married . I call his ' girlfriend ' Skankho . Well they all work in a commission based job . There is an hourly wage but it 's not much . Mr . Man and Jackass have always been the top earners . Basically since they started there three years ago . Needless to say , this month , Skankho is ahead of Mr . Man . How you ask ? Hmmm . . . . It 's interesting because she has always been at the bottom ( so to speak ) . There is a scorecard so you pretty much know where everyone ranks that month . Jackass has been helping Skankho . When he rings things up , he puts in her number so she gets credit for it . Then yesterday , he skipped customers so that she would get the one that needed the most help ( instead of Mr . Man getting them ) . I mean Mr . Man could complain because skipping customers is a bad bad thing but you know what a smooth talker Jackass is so it would never work . Basically , he is taking money away from his family because of the commission he is sending her way . I dislike him so much I can 't stand it . He also told Mr . Man that his wife went out of town with their children and then made some comment about how she could be gone for a week or two or that maybe she wouldn 't come back . Of course , Mr . Man never follows up with any questions so who knows how things really are in fairytale land . Their company picnic is next week . I am kind of relieved that their family won 't be there . I don 't even want to go but Twinkie has so much fun . It 's mostly family and child based so I doubt Skankho would even be there . On a side note , I finally have my Wii Fit and I love it . My mii is fat though and keeps looking at herself with a look that says " What the hell happened here ? " I won 't even tell you my fit age but it 's not good . Mr . Man 's was worse . He is very offended that his mii is pretty chubby . It was actually kind of funny how he had to point out several times that it didn 't evePosted by I have always hated going to the dentist . Nothing good comes from it . Believe me , I do not come from good teeth genes . I had to have two teeth pulled yesterday . Personally , I think if your wisdom teeth aren 't bothering anyone you should just leave them alone . Mine , however , couldn 't be nice so now they are gone . Yep , I am loopy from the pain . Even finding a babysitter for my kiddos is an ordeal . That 's mostly why I never get things done from myself . . . . you know , haircuts , doctor . . . . I had my 13 year old sister come over to watch them . What I didn 't know is that my mom wasn 't going to be home ( next door ) . So she couldn 't handle them ( I think they were interrupting her iPod time ) and took them to my sister in laws house ( two houses down ) . We actually live in the country so it 's hard to describe our houses . We are in walking distance of each other though . I have only left Tater a few times so I know it wouldn 't be easy . I would 've asked my sister in law to begin with but she always makes me feel . . . . I can 't think of a word but I hate asking her . And I NEVER ask my mom . It would have to be a very bad emergency for me to ask her . However , I watch their children . How sad am I ? I want to move . We debate it on a monthly basis . I think Twinkie would miss living near everyone . She loves it here . How could you not love having built in playmates ? But too much family is not a good thing . On a sidenote , I was supposed to get my Wii Fit yesterday and it didn 't come . I have all of Twinkie 's toys piled in the livingroom so I guess even if I had it I couldn 't hook it up . Can I just go back to bed ? Before we took our car in to be fixed , Mr . Man and I cleaned it out as best as we could . I don 't know if anyone is as messy and me and my children . I hadn 't cleaned it for a few weeks so there was quite the mixture of things . I had toys , crayons , tossed sippy cups , snacks . Well you get the whole messy picture . I don 't know what happened but nothing that was in the car made it to the house . The conclusion is that Mr . Man threw the sack away . Why you ask ? I have no freaking clue . Who knows what really was even in it . I know Twinkie had a pair of shoes . . . . Tater had a jacket . And like I said , some random kid things . This is the kicker though . I had my iPod in there . Yep , you saw that right . I had put my iPod in the bag to be brought into the house . My fucking iPod touch is now in the landfill somewhere . If anyone knows me , they know I am addicted to the thing . I listen to it all the time . I LOVE IT . Now it 's gone . I don 't mean to be dramatic but I used money I got for Christmas for it and I just can 't spend $ 400 on an iPod right now . I am so sad . Mr . Man has a history of throwing things away so I shouldn 't be surprised . He threw away concert tickets once . He threw away a check one time . I could probably go on and on . I don 't even want to think about what else might have been in that sack . I am pretty sure there was a savings bond that came in the mail that I just stuck between the seats . Posted by Twinkie and I are just having a constant battle of wills . Yesterday we were at my sister in law 's house and she was playing with her ' best friend ' N . Well he pushed her . Granted he shouldn 't have done that , but she called him stupid . I told her to say that she was sorry and for them to get along . This is how it went : Me : Twinkie , tell N that you are sorry for calling him stupid . Her : No . Me : Tell him you are sorry . Her : No . Me : If you don 't tell him you are sorry , we have to go home . Her : No . Me : Okay Twinkie , let 's go . Her : NoWell you get the idea . We just live next door so it 's not like we had to go far . Man , she just wouldn 't say she was sorry . So then we get home and we were talking about it . She said that she wouldn 't call him stupid again but that he pushed her . She still refused to apologize . I was okay with that . But then today , she called him stupid again . I can tell that talk worked . I have a horrible toothache . I finally went to the dentist and I have to have two wisdom teeth pulled next week . Yuck . You know how hard it is to try and schedule dentist appointments when you have two little ones with nobody to watch them ? The dentist is lecturing me about taking so long to come in and I just kept thinking " Yeah , are you going to babysit for me ? " We had to take our car in to be fixed . I think the whole engine might need overhauled . If we didn 't owe so much on it , I would just run it off a cliff . Well since it doesn 't run , I would have to push it . . . . but it would feel so good . I cringe when I think about how much money it 's going to cost . My dad went in for a colonoscopy today . I learned that when he 's medicated , he 's pretty much an ass . But anyway . . . . they found several polyps and I guess the more there are and bigger they are , chances go up that their cancerous . I need to stop reading things on the Internet . I pray that everything is okay . Then today , the wind was blowing like crazy . You know I mentioned earlier that we bought Twinkie a swingset . Well the wind blew it over . It was a nice wood one too . Mr . Man acts likePosted by The last few days have been kind of rough . Twinkie has been . . . what is the correct word ? AN ABSOLUTE BRAT . It kind of all started on Friday . First thing in the morning , I let our dogs out ( you know , since they were both standing at the door ) . She threw a fit that I didn 't let her do it . I didn 't even think about it when I did it . She ended up in her room crying for awhile and screaming for her daddy . . . . you know , the nice parent . The day went downhill from there . She was pretty much like that all day . This weekend has not been any better . Yesterday , she was playing outside with my nephew " N " . Well N had to go home and she threw a tantrum because I made her go in the house . You know , gulping and crying . She could barely calm herself down . Today , I had to go in the gas station to pay for gas and she wanted to go in with me . I wouldn 't give her the sucker she wanted right away and so she just fell to the ground when we were walking back to the car . My hands were full so I ended up carrying her by one arm and she just stayed limp . I seriously do not even know what to do with her . I hate to call it a stage but I seriously hope that 's what it is . She just has so many feelings . And believe me , I am hurting them all the time . I want my nice two year old back . Is that even possible ? I am drained by her lately . My dog and my innocent looking daughter . If you have read my previous posts , I had a problem with some guy watching porn on the computer in our library during the children 's reading time . The library director said that they would make it a priority to put privacy screens on their monitors . It hasn 't happened yet . My sister in a law are now going to a different library . It 's the library in the next town over . They actually have better books . Our old library was always kind of strange . Earlier this year , I donated a few hundred books and only a couple made it to the shelves . The rest went to the for sale bin . That kind of pissed me off because I buy bestseller / new books and read them within a day or two so they are always in great condition . It 's like they weren 't good enough . One book I bought like the week before ( it had just come out ) and read it . They even put that in the for sale bin . Doesn 't make sense . Plus , the other day we were at the library ( sister in law and I ) and our two toddlers were in the children 's part . They were loud but not being horrible . I went to tell them to talk a little more quiet and as we were talking to them explaining how they had to be quiet in the library , one of the workers came by to lecture them about using their library voices . Ummm . . . HELLO ? Their moms are standing right there telling them to quiet down . I always find that extremely rude . Of course , I always wish I would say something like ' I have it under control ' or ' back off bitch . ' That reminds of what happened all Walmart yesterday . I hate Walmart . Maybe tomorrow I can tell all my horrible Walmart stories . Unfortunately , it 's pretty much all we have . Target is like an hour away so I save it for special occasions . Anyway , I am checking out at Walmart and I pushed my cart up to put groceries in . Tater is trying to grab the sacks on the turnstyle thing . The lady actually told her to watch her hands . Kind of in a rude voice too . I told her that she was only 9 months old and I didn 't think that she understood that . When tater was a baby , she was crying and I was almost doPosted by Country living isn 't all it 's cracked up to be . When we moved into our house , it had been vacant for years . Well , except for you know . . . . the creatures . Yuck . I am so used to living in the city where I don 't think I ever saw a mouse , or thought we had one . Here , we get them pretty regularly . Enough that I leave a trap in a certain drawer pretty much all the time . Well killer cat Sasha loves mice . She has caught several . As much as that is a good thing , I could do without her leaving body parts around for me to clean up . Did I mention that I hate mice ? My 10 year old sister actually had to come over to pick up random parts . My mom had to come over and pick up a dead mouse when Sasha decided that she wasn 't hungry . Yesterday , I woke up early and I was in the kitchen . I heard that horrible squealing of a mouse being tortured . Sure enough , Sasha was flipping it in the air . Then the mouse disappeared . Seriously , why does she just play with them , scare them half to death , hurt them , and then oops , let them get away . . So now I know I am going to pick up something or move something and find it . I HATE MICE ! Happy Mother 's Day ! I am not a huge fan of what I percieve as ' made up holidays . ' However , it doesn 't stop me from taking some advantage of it . I was actually going to go to the movies by myself today . I was so excited . Unfortunately I fell asleep next to Tater and missed the movies . Oh well , at least I got a nap and didn 't have to worry about Twinkie being unsupervised . We just put in a swingset and a playhouse . Twinkie is in little girl heaven . She wants to play outside constantly . Tonight , she barely made it through her bath before her eyes started closing . I had to put 3 bandaides on her ' boo - boo 's ( blisters ) . We do have to go get another lock for our front door though . I have caught her trying to sneak out of the house . Plus she keeps letting our stupid cat out . Then she looks at me all innocent and says that Sasha wanted to go outside . I have told her over and over that Sasha has to stay in the house . She will also put her outside because Sasha hurt her . That is on an hourly basis . I would probably hurt her too if I was that cat . Wow . Twinkie was a mess today . We went to the library . She didn 't want to leave so I had to half drag her to the car . Only after she started running off in parking lot . Then she complained for the rest of the day that I hurt her arm . Then she said how much I hurt her feelings and made her sad . That actually made me laugh since it was kind of cute . We get home and she wanted her drink . I guess I wasn 't fast enough because she started screaming . Off to her room for a good half hour screamfest . I guess I could excuse it and say that she was tired but I think she was just being a brat . Then we left to pick up Mr . Man and she dumped her drink . . . . on purpose . . . . all over the floorboard . When will I learn ? So she came home , ate dinner , and went to bed . My head is throbbing and I am already looking forward to tomorrow . On the bright side , Tater learned how to ' roll em up , roll em up ' on the patty cake song . I wish I could even describe her doing it . The cutest thing ever . Posted by Yep , I know you know who I am talking about . I can 't believe she is already pregnant again . Well , I guess I can . More so , I can 't believe that I am actually writing about it . This is number 18 . She has been pregnant for 11 years . Can you imagine ? I wonder if she has pretty easy pregnancies because I only have two kids but both pregnancies were pretty miserable . Tater is the same age as her youngest . I would be sad to be pregnant right now since she is still just a baby . I know it 's really anyone 's business how many children they have . However , they have opened themselves up to criticism ( or praise ) by being on T . V . The main issue I have with this family is no matter what anyone 's says , you cannot care for that many children each day . Some one is getting short changed . I hear people say how good she is delegating and managing her home . Well of course she is . The older children are responsible for the younger children . Her 9 month old will be passed off in 7 months to a ' buddy ' and a new baby will take her place . Her children have to sign up to talk to her . I wonder if one of her teenage daughers wants to talk to her about some kind of girl thing , does she have to sign up and wait three days ? I just don 't know how that works . For the positive , they seem happy . What do I know ? I have two kids and can barely handle that . You know how hard it is to find a good group ? I remember when Twinkie was a baby , I tried to join a baby group . It was okay but we basically all sat around in a circle and breastfed . Then the family activities were hiking and biking . The hell with that . I next joined when she was crawling . Kind of the same thing . One time a mom told me that she stayed with this group rather than the older kid group because moms there would feed their kids skittles and she was still breastfeeding . I think her son was three or so . All I could think when she was telling me that is ' Where do I find that group ? ' I am totally a skittle feeding kind of mom . I know go to MOPS . It 's good but sometimes it 's just irritating . Like today we had a mommy exchange where everything brought some things in to exchange . Well several times during the meeting , we were told we would go and look through the things at the end . By the time the end came , three women had pretty much cleaned everything out . Very rude . They came out with huge piles of stuff . I didn 't really need anything but that is hardly the point . Plus I took in nice things ( or so I thought ) and all that was there were like clothes that had been through 10 kids . Oh well . I will probably continue to go but how hard is it to find a mom like me ? Even at the park , moms are feeding their kids all this healthy stuff and they are drinking organic juice . Twinkie is eating a peanut butter sandwich and drinking a CapriSun . Today at MOPS I gave Tater some chocolate cake . I am sure I could hear the gasps around me . On the upside , we learned how to host a party today . I sure that will come in handy . Really . I guess I need to stop saying it . Twinkie has already said it twice on her own . Of course she will copy things we say but when they start saying them on their own then I guess it 's an issue . I was cleaning out the tub and I put the bath seat up on the ledge . I was leaning over and it fell . I stopped myself from saying anything . Twinkie didn 't . She said ' fuck ' and just started playing again . She has also called our dog ' damn dog . ' Another thing she does is calls everything stupid . I never realized how often I say that . We were putting change into a jar the other day and she would pick up a quarter and say ' stupid quarter ' and then a dime and say ' stupid dime . ' It was funny . I have heard her call many things stupid . Her toy , her shirt , her bed . . . . it 's endless . I am trying to decide if I want to go back to school . I kind of have a plan but who knows . I have my Bachelor and Master 's Degree in Social Work . When I graduated with my BSW I started working for Child Protective Services . I was there 6 years ( up until Twinkie was born ) and then we moved here . I worked last year at the High School here as a counselor and I loved it . So I decided to go to school to become a school counselor instead of the more specialized one I was . I took two internet classes and stopped when I became pregnant . I guess I realized at that point I would probably end up staying home again . I can 't go back to CPS . I mean I am a slacker mom but I just can 't deal with loser parents anymore . I always saw myself working in a hospital as a social worker . However , when I did my internship ( 2 years ) in the hospital we were in a large city . That is what I loved . . . the chaos , the emergency type aspect of it . Now we live in such a rural area it 's not the same . When I was working at the hospital , I thought I would like to be a nurse . To end a llloooonnnnggg story , I want to apply to the nursing program here . I have a couple classes I would have to take so I probably would only take one class a semester and apply for the program next year . It takes 18 months . By then Tater will be in preschool . So that is the plan . We 'll see . I can 't believe that I am 31 years old and still don 't know what I want to do with my life . Of course , I could see myself staying home with my children . I could also see me having a career I enjoy and only have to work part - time but still make okay money . We all know social workers make crap . Not that it 's about the money . . . . but that does help . Okay , thanks for reading my huge life dilemma about what I want to be when I grow up ( well other than a professional student ) . Mr . Man volunteered ( through my prodding ) to give the girls a bath . How nice of him ! I was in the livingroom and he 's in the bathroom digging for something . He is talking to me asking where something is when he shouts and reaches into the tub and brings out my 9 month old who had tipped over in her chair and was underwater . Poor baby is coughing and gagging . Then he yells at the Twinkie because I am sure she is to blame . Not the dad who should know he has to be right there . . . . who I have told over and over that the bath chair can tip over . So by then I am in tears holding Tater and I just close the bathroom door on him . I don 't even know what to do at this point . I know things like this happen to everyone . Hell , I am by far a perfect parent . It just seems like everything is so . . . . magnified . Does that make sense ? Posted by Mr . Man was off work today . I can 't tell you how excited I was about that ( obvious sarcasm ) . It was okay I guess . We went and bought Twinkie a swingset . I can make a bet now how long it stays in boxes on our porch . I don 't think my husband is the handiest and I just don 't have anyone left to bribe to put it together . Poor Twinkie . I ran to the store earlier . I literally was gone less than half and hour . I get home and Twinkie has something all over her . In her hair , on her face , all over her clothes . It had a nice and fruity smell to it . I wiped off as much as I could . I was hoping we could skip bath night but not now . So then I am in the bathroom and realize that it 's handsoap . Seriously , I was gone for freaking 30 minutes . How is she able to do that ? It 's not like we have a big house . . . plus where Mr . Man was sitting , he is looking right into the bathroom . I have an answer for you . MARIO KART . Damn Wii . My mom is messing around with my camera trying to find a way to change the picture settings . She is just pushing random buttons and * POW * she erased every single one of my pictures . Damn her . I had over 500 pictures . Granted I do download to my computer but it 's been a few months . I seriously cried on the way home . I love taking pictures and now some are gone . I barely moved to a digital camera and now I wonder why . I guess I could 've easily have lost a couple of rolls of film . I know she feels bad but . . . . So the things that are erased : ~ Tater 's first food ~ Easter pics ~ Tater 's first tooth ~ Visit with the inlaws ~ Twinkie swimmingUgh . Plus all the random shots I take . How irritating . Then she tried to blame me by saying I shouldn 't have so many pictures on there . Ummm . . . hello ? ? Posted by Tater is sick . She has a horrible fever and is grouchy as hell . I have not been able to get more than a couple inches away from her . I hate it when they are sick . Then Twinkie watched Lion King for the fiftyith time this week . It 's turned into quite the babysitter . Tater 's illness started out with her puking all over my bed . Yep , she still sleeps with me but that is a whole other story . So I cleaned that up the best I could . That next morning ( yesterday ) , Mr . Man took her to change her diaper so I could get a quick shower . He screamed like a girl . Seriously . I went in her room and he had poop all over him and her . I had to wipe it out of her hair . Ugh . I had to give her a bath and barely got a shower . I went to lay her down later for her nap and Mr . Man hadn 't mentioned that poop was all over the bed too . * sigh * Today was slightly better . We went to the park . Tater fell asleep and Twinkie played for awhile . There was a mom there with her maybe four year old . The mom parked herself on the grass and took out a book and sent her kid off to play . I think I might have drooled because it 's been so long since I have been able to read a book . . . . I might have gotten over it though because her little girl peed her pants and the mom just sent her off to play . Poor girl was walking around trying to keep her wet pants from sticking to her leg . Then another mom 's 2 year old had to pee and the mom ran to her car and brought out a potty chair . The bathrooms were right there so I was confused . Then I realized that maybe that is my problem on why Twinkie isn 't potty trained yet . I DON ' T CARRY AROUND A POTTY ! Who knew . How can you really tell ? I just have been so down lately . It 's been hard with the girls . Tater is going through a ' I can 't have anyone other than my mom and she better be holding me stage . ' I love that she loves me . However , it 's impossible to get anything done . I keep telling myself it 's just a stage but still . I know I created that but oh well . Then Twinkie has been showing the world that she is two . I am not a spanker but I could 've easily done that today . I want to work but I can 't . I think it would be nice for the extra money . We want to add on to our house . Right now , we are on top of each other . It 's enough to make anyone go insane . I think I am just in a funk . There is a perfect job for me in the paper . It 's even one I have done before . I mean I have my Master 's Degree so I am qualified . It would just be too hard working and still picking up Mr . Man from work . The girls would always be at daycare or in the car and that isn 't fair to them . I go through this every 6 months or so . I will be fine in a week . I just need to get my life together . Start working out again . I used to always go in the morning but since Tater came along , I have stopped . My house is a mess , car is a mess . I am behind on everything . Twinkie 's room looks like Santa Clause threw up in it . That is the thing about having such a small house . Any tiny mess looks horrible . Well , maybe things will look up soon . The good news is that I think I finally got through to Mr . Man that I am drowning and maybe he could just chip in and help me this time . We 'll see . I am signing Twinkie up for preschool tomorrow . It was a debate but she wants to go to ' school . ' She mentions it everyday . She even goes as far as puts on her backpack and tries to escape out the front door . She thinks that her daddy getting to ride the bus ( to work ) is the coolest thing ever . She is only two . It makes me kind of sad . They are just growing up so fast . I wish that our minds were like video cameras . That way I could rewind things and remember things . I take tons of pictures but there are just moments you can 't catch on film . Like will I remember the way that Tater scrunches up her face and squeals when she is happy or excited ? How about when she rolls over at night and reaches out for me ? Will I always remember Twinkie thanking God for all the stars in the sky when she says her prayers ? Or how she always tells me " I love you too mommy " ? Will I always remember the way that their faces light up when they see me or seek me out in a room ? Being a parent is just such an awesome responsibility . It is hard and overwhelming much of the time . It 's like wearing your heart on your sleeve . It makes you vulnerable . It hurts . Yet it is literally the biggest joy I could ever have . I love these two little girls more than anything in the world . Sometimes I just look at them and just wonder how I could be so lucky . Posted by I wrote previously about Mr . Man 's co - worker . You know , the Jackass ( JA ) that has been messing around on his wife . Well I have spoke with her several times since she found out . We have been friendly . . . . or so I thought . I guess this is a like a ' shoot the messenger ' moment . I was dropped Mr . Man off at work at she was parked out back waiting for JA . We had just spoke on the phone the week before . Well I pulled up next to her and honked the horn to say hi . She put her head down and wouldn 't look up . So that is that . I didn 't really expect we could remain friends but how am I the bad person when her JA is the one doing it to her . Then I find out he has not stopped with this girl . They eat lunch together on a daily basis . He picked her up before work to go to the gym . I just don 't understand how he can have such a lack of respect for his wife . I am amazed how a man can do this to his wife and three children . Believe me , skankho girl isn 't that great . I am a horrible blogger . I can 't believe I just go a month without posting anything . Mostly , it 's just laziness . I also think my mom found my blog . If so , hi mom . I take Twinkie and Tater to Preschool Story Time at our local library every week . This week , Mr . Man was with us . He was pushing Tater around in her stroller . He came and told me that a man at the computers was watching porn . I thought surely not . Sure enough , I was just walking down the aisle and BAM . It was quite in your face and graphic . I told the librarian that does story time . She wasn 't surprised and said that he comes in often and does the same thing . I was shocked . She said that it was his right and that they couldn 't censor the Internet . I am all for free speech . I am not even anti - porn . However , I think that there is a time and place for it . The public library during children 's story time is not one of those times . So my very nervy sister in law walked up to him at tapped him on the shoulder . She asked him if she could have his name so that she could check the sex offender registry . She told him it wasn 't appropriate to do that during story time . He left . The problem is that the librarian said he 's had people confront him and they 've had several complaints . But it 's his right . Ugh . I get that but at the very least the library should move the computers or use some kind of monitor shield . I looked up the statutes and basically it 's up to individual libraries what kind of Internet access they want to give . I called the other libraries in this area and they all have filters on their computers and would not allow patrons to look at porn . Our library is in between head librarian and director so there is seriously no where to take the complaint except up to the library board . I spoke with a reporter for our town newspaper and she said that I should write a letter to the editor and go to the next board meeting . If nothing happens then she will take it up . I am so not pro - active but it 's just so wrong for children to be exposed to things like that . Just while we were at the library that day , two little girls walked right past him and his huge screen filled with porn . Geez . Mr . Man works in retail . He loves his job . It 's mostly comission based so he makes good money because for some reason , he is awesome at that kind of job . So two months ago , they had a meeting one Friday night . He text me after the meeting 8 : 00ish telling me that he was going out for a drink with his friend / co - worker we will call Jackass ( JA ) . We are friends with JA and his family . . . . you know birthday parties , cookouts , that kind of things . No problem . I called him around 10 : 30 p . m . to see when he was coming home . No answer . I text him a few times but no response . I called again around midnight . . . . and I was mad so I left him a mean message . Well come 2 : 30 ish he calls and I have to go pick him up . It isn 't as easy at that but I 'll just leave it at that for now . Well on the way home , he tells me he was out with JA and two girls from work . It seems that when they were leaving work , the two girls came with them ( preplanned by JA ) . Okay . Usually this wouldn 't be an issue but JA is messing around with one of these girls . So it basically was like a double date . Mr . Man denies that of course but like I have told him several times it 's all about perception . What married man does that ? ? These are young 20 year old girls . ( Don 't even ask me how they are bar hopping ) . During the two weeks before this , Mr . Man has told me things that JA tells him about this girl and what they have been doing . Well then he gets a call from JA 's wife ( at 2 : 30 a . m . ) and she is upset wanting to know where her husband is . The next day I called JA 's wife just to check on her . I was upset at Mr . Man and we were talking about that night . Well her version of the story was so different than mine . She didn 't know that they were out with the two girls . So needless to say , I ended up telling her every little thing that I knew about this girl and her husband . Not the best but . . . wouldn 't you want to know ? I didn 't expect JA to twist everything and make me look like I just took everything Mr . Man told me and got it wrong . Whatever . JA even wanted Mr . Man to telPosted by We started a new church a month and a half ago . Twinkie loves to go . Basically she just goes to the nursery which I think is for ages up to three . We usually keep Tater with us but this last Sunday we went ahead and left her too . Anyway , about an hour into the service , I heard Tater crying so Mr . Man went to check on her . She was fine . A few minutes later , I heard Twinkie scream crying . Enough that another man also stood up to go and check . I went in the room and was told that a little boy pushed her down . She cried and cried . I sat on the floor and was holding Tater and reading Twinkie a book . She went to go get another book and the same little boy just pushed her again . She tripped over a toy and started crying again . The little boy was put in time out . The only cute part is he kept telling her he was sworry . Poor Twinkie . When we left she told me she was said because " N " pushed her and that he hurt her and made her cry . I felt so bad for her . She is in the nursery with usually 3 - 4 other 2 year old boys . She is the only girl . Not that is the whole problem but man those boys are rough . Just when I was in there , they push , hit , throw things . Twinkie isn 't really like that . One lady commented to me that Twinkie needs to learn to fight back . Ummm . . . . really ? That is the solution ? ! ? We really like this church so I don 't know . Maybe it was just an off week . I don 't expect children to always get along but geez . She plays and fights with her cousin ( who is 3 ) and it is never like that . I guess I really don 't like to see her feelings hurt . Ugh . What is the future going to be like ? Should I just wrap her in bubble wrap right now ? |
Little Ferl , the dear , frail , French lady in the nearby bed , had an amused look on her face , as she observed our laughter and fun . We pulled the curtain around our side of the room , and giggled as we struggled to make the pants go on . When we had a full outfit , we would push the curtain back , with a bit of a " TA DA " and my mom would wheel over to Ferl 's side of the tiny room , to get her opinion . Struggling to her feet , and with the help of her walker , she " modeled " her newest fashions , on the nursing home runway . Ferl does not have any children , but she does have 2 nieces , who she loves dearly . They had visited her today from Birmingham . Ferl said proudly , " Today is a family day ! " To help my mom physically get through the trying - on part , I brought a Wendy 's hamburger , and fries for her to munch on , in between outfits . ( Hey - a girl needs energy when she tries on clothes . ) We would try on something , and then she would take a bite . Even at that , she really didn 't eat much , but I try to bring her a little something each time I come , just in case she is hungry , because the food there is terrible . My mom modeled two new complete outfits , and we also tried out 2 pairs of black pants . Long before we finished , sweet Ferl fell fast asleep . She and my mom have become very close . My mother has become her protector , looking out for her since she came to the nursing home . She often pats my mom 's hand and tells her how thankful she is for her friendship . Sadly , ( and happily for Ferl ) she will probably be leaving soon . She lives in Bob Hope Village , in a retirement apartment , but she tells me that she will now be moving to an assisted living apartment there . The way she came to be in the nursing home is that one evening she fell in the bathroom of her apartment , and ended up staying on the floor all night , until a neighbor found her . She hurt herself pretty badly in the fall , but fortunately she didn 't break anything . She 's been at the nursing home , getting some physical therapy . We will hate to see her go , because we like her very much , and she was a welcome change from the grumpy Addie . Before Ferl fell asleep , she told us several times , that she enjoyed listening to us having fun , trying on the clothes , and it made me realize that we have had so many fun , special times . We 've faced so much together , and because of that , we are more than friends . Sometimes I have trouble knowing where she ends , and I begin . It is like being a mom , and taking care of a little one . You are meshed , in a special , undefinable way . I helped my mom with her gown , and called for the CNA to help get her in bed . I leaned over and gave her a kiss , and she told me she loved me , and that I made a " great mother . " ( Role reversal again . ) I pulled the chain on her light over the bed , and made my way through the room in the dark , to the hallway , and said goodnight to the CNA , who was sitting in the corner reading a book . As I walked across the parking lot to the car , I wondered if she would be able to function , on her own , at home anymore . She has seen roommate after roommate making plans for a different existence . Sophie was ( more than likely ) going to Mexico , to live in a cottage on her son 's property . It seemed a much nicer thought than moving into an assisted living arrangement here , while her 2 daughters argued over what was best for her . Poor Addie ( who had Alzheimer 's ) , could not believe that she was not going home , when her family arrived to get her . They were taking her to another institution , better equipped to handle dementia patients . And now Ferl , who was living happily in her little retirement apartment , until she fell , is making plans to transfer to assisted living . I am sure that none of this has escaped my mom . But we talk often about what it will be like when she gets home - of how she will sit in her chair and watch TV , and go to the bathroom ( without an audience ) , and eat food that she actually likes , and sleep in her own bed . Tonight she said , " I want to go home . I feel like a kid who 's been at summer camp too long . " ( Such a great description . ) She will have her chance to go back , God willing . We will just have to see how it goes . But she will have an opportunity to do all those things , that we all take for granted everyday , but she no longer does . Today I had a counseling appointment , and I was very glad that I did . I wanted to talk over some of my feelings about Chelsea and her mom reuniting . I told my counselor the story , read her some of the email , and tried to be honest about my conflicted feelings . She understood totally why I felt the way I did , and said that I had nothing to be insecure about . If Chelsea 's mom had been mother material , she wouldn 't have had to give her up all those years ago . ( Though I will always believe that the choice of adoption is a courageous one . ) We talked about how all her childhood memories are with us , and that no one could step into the picture at this point , and be able to recreate that . We discussed how she had planned on living close by , and my counselor , who also knows Chelsea said that we will have to wait and see how this turns out . We know that it will be healing for Chelsea , as to any feelings of rejection she may have , and we know that this is an exciting " fantasy " time for her . I am quite sure that there will be a honeymoon period , and that is good . There should be . Today we got an email from her mom , saying that she intended to go to Miami first , where she previously lived , and retrieve her " designer wardrobe . " It seemed an odd thing to say , and worrisome , from the point of view that Chelsea is so materialistic already ( through no teaching of ours ) , and I hate to see her mom encourage that side of her personality , as her mom mentioned in an earlier phone call having designer handbags and clothes in storage . When Chelsea heard about it , she quickly shouted , " Well , she can bring them to me . " ( That most likely will happen . ) I so wish she would just spend time with Chelsea , and not try to win her affection through material things . ( I 'm praying that she will not . ) Chelsea is the original " material girl " , and she sure didn 't get it from me , as my favorite stores are thrift stores . LOL ! Today was the first time that I 've been in the mall in months , and I was doing some clothes shopping for my mom , not myself . Actually , I bought a new feather pillow , and some shoes that were on sale . It was a fun day of wandering aimlessly there , and of having lunch , and just being alone with my thoughts . And in the midst of it , the strangest thing happened . I was having a late lunch in the food court , and when I sat down to eat , it turned out that my table faced the carousel directly . It took me back to the first time that Chelsea came to visit us . She rode the carousel , and I remember holding her on the horse , like other moms were doing today . I also remembered all the years that passed , as she rode her favorite horse , Arabella ( yes , I still remember the name ) , and I would stand on the sidelines , waving each time she came around into view . I reflected on the night that her mom placed her in my arms , and as we headed home from Pensacola , she turned 3 years old , right there in my arms . ( And now , I have to place her back in her birth mom 's arms . ) And so the circle of life continues , just like the carousel … As most of you know , several years ago , I lost both my birth father and stepfather , very close in time to each other . For the last 3 years , I have been my mom 's primary caregiver , and she has not been well at all . Recently , she suffered 2 devastating falls and broke her right foot , left leg , and right hip . She is presently in a nursing home ( temporarily ) for rehab . She has also had some progressive mental issues , that seem to have gotten worse since her surgery , though sometimes she is completely clear . She experiences sporadic confusion , and memory loss . She will be a far different person , when she returns home , than she was when she left . All of this has changed me as well . It has been very stressful , and very painful emotionally , at times . In the middle of all this , my daughter , who was adopted at age 3 ( and is now 19 ) , decided that she would try to find her mother . We have located her , and she is planning to visit and meet Chelsea in late September . She is presently in England . Of course , I have supported and encouraged Chelsea in her search , and have been very positive . ( This will no doubt be a time of healing for her , that she desperately needs . ) In my more rational moments , here is a link to what I want to feel : http : / / www . associatedcontent . com / article / 469410 / when _ and _ how _ to _ tell _ your _ child _ they . html ? cat = 25 I honestly did feel that way , when I wrote that article back in December of 2007 . But now I 'm facing the situation for real . One thing I try to do in my blogs , is to be honest about my feelings . I can never help anyone else , if I hide my true feelings . And it helps me work through my feelings , when I write them out . Yesterday , I fixed some home cooking for Chelsea ( spaghetti ) , and we shared with her what we had been able to find out . She is very excited , and looks forward to spending time with her mom on the beach , introducing her to her friends , and taking trips with her . Her mom is quite a bit younger than me , still hip ( and a little on the wild side . ) Though , she has become a Christian since we knew her , and that is a great relief . A girl of 19 is very impressionable , and I pray that her birth mom will be a good role model , and not just a best friend . At any rate , it has stirred feelings within me , that I did not suspect it would . Whenever I considered it , in days gone by , I always calmly rationalized that someday she would probably want to meet her birth mom . We told her when she was little ( in answer to her questions ) that if she did want to find her , when she was older ( 18 + ) , we would help her . So now , in the middle of all my losses and daily pressures , that day has arrived . I now face her reunion with her mom , with feelings of excitement and trepidation . Chelsea was a very difficult child to raise . It took blood , sweat , and tears , and two parents working at it full time , to stay one step ahead of her . ( One person could never have done it . ) She came strong - willed , and that never changed . It was like being the matador in a continual bullfight . LOL ! I wanted to run away at times , ( and did twice ) because the pressure was so great . I was told by psychologists , that she saw me in the role of her mom ( who she was angry at ) and that she was trying to reject me , before I rejected her . I had to convince her that I loved her unconditionally , and that I would not leave her . It took time , but God brought us closer and closer . She truly came to love me , and trust me . But as she entered her teen years , she became even more defiant and rebellious . There are no words for the struggles we faced during those years . If there was a rule to break … she broke it . She and her father were in a constant tug of war . But still we loved her , and prayed for her . She entered college this fall , on a full scholarship ( Bright Futures ) , and then promptly dropped out , losing all of her financial aid . She never studied , and rarely attended classes . After working for a little more than minimum wage , these past months , she says she wants to go back to school . She will have to pay her own way , because we had an agreement that if she dropped out , and threw away her scholarship , we were not going to pay for her college . So now into this picture , comes her birth mom . Chelsea sees her as someone she can lie on the beach with , hang out with , and introduce to her friends . And this has me considering the question , " What is a mom ? " My fair skin has seen its best days on the beach , so I 'm not likely to be a very good beach buddy at this time of my life . ( She made sure that I saw her teeny weeny bikini when she was here yesterday , and I imagine her young , hip mom will have an even smaller one . She used to dress like a Barbie doll in mini skirts and spandex . LOL ! ) But as a Christian mother , my place is to be a role model for modesty , and Godly values . She plans to travel ( eventually ) to visit her mom in England , and perhaps take a trip with her to Australia . Her mom had ( or has ) a sailboat , and sailed all the way to Guatemala alone . I have never been out of the U . S . , and probably never will . The farthest my husband and I have been for years , is the North Carolina mountains . ( But they are so beautiful , that honestly , there is nowhere else I 'd rather vacation . ) So , my raw feelings are , that it 's almost like we 've done all the hard , heartbreaking work of nurturing and raising this child , and now when the hard part 's over , her birth mom steps into the picture , to reap all the rewards ( and the hero worship . ) What 's wrong with this picture ? ( Just some honest feelings as I think this through . ) Her birth mom says that she wants to live no more than an hour away from Chelsea by car or plane . We have welcomed her into our lives once again , because that is what Chelsea wanted . We have remained positive and encouraging to our daughter , and now we just have to walk it out . ( The fun never ends … ) ( Confused , happy for Chelsea , sad , a little jealous , a lot frustrated , hopeful , scared , gracious , concerned , conflicted . ) And things that I don 't even have words for at the moment . A little afraid of what the messages will be about life , love , and priorities . But in a way , I feel relieved . Relieved that we actually made it this far , when we often wondered if we ever would . Relieved that someone else will have to deal with her temper , rebellion , and manipulative ways . And relieved that this part of my life is coming to an end . ( Not that I 'll ever stop being her mom . ) I have nurtured , loved and guided this little one for 16 years ( she is now 19 , and we got her at age 3 ) , and I have truly learned the meaning of laying down my life totally and completely . My emotional and physical health has suffered greatly , but I did it . I saw it through , when at times I didn 't think I could . I have loved , even when the love wasn 't returned ( and when it was ) , and I have continued to love through my tears , disappointment , and pain . Many of my dreams of motherhood were just that … dreams . Because this was work - hard work . And because she was so defiant , many things were not the way I would have wanted them to be . I wanted to give her a storybook life , but instead , together we learned the meaning of being faithful to a call , of loving until it hurts , and pressing on toward the finish line . As parents , we learned what it meant to balance love , with teaching the difficult , important lessons of life , which meant not always coming to her defense ( when she was wrong ) , and making her live up to her responsibilities . It is not a popular role , but it is the role of a parent . I can only pray that somewhere along the way , some of the truths stuck , and that our love and discipline will guide her , even when we are gone . I cherish the little girl days , and the memories that we have of mother and daughter . The times when I couldn 't get her out of my bed . The times we laughed , and the times we cried . And I know that those times are deep within her spirit , in a sacred place of love and security . And I am so thankful that she knows the Lord , and was brought up in His ways , and with His values . He gave her to us , for a short time , and now He will complete what He started . I got an invitation , in the mail last week , from the nursing home . They would be holding a Luau on Saturday , August 22 for residents and their families , or guests . Thinking that perhaps it would bring my mom out of her week of anger , I signed us up . She hasn 't been in a good mood all week , and nothing had improved when I arrived this evening . She angrily shouted at me , as I walked through the door , " You better get in here , Lonnette . " If she was kidding , her tone of voice didn 't show it , and she has been like this for almost a week with everyone . I don 't know what to attribute it to , except that she gets like this for awhile , and then , hopefully , has several good days . She seems to be agitated and angry about everything lately . I guess it 's just been too long away from home , with too many injuries , ( and without the freedom of mobility . ) Though she often gets this way at home also . She is quite angry in general , and seems displeased with everyone and everything . She has been through so much . I tried to tell myself long ago , that I would not take on her moodiness , and that her being in a bad mood would not put me in one . Tonight I was able to follow through on that . As I pushed her wheelchair into the hallway , outside the nursing home , all of the residents were being brought to the dining hall , but we weren 't allowed to enter for a while . So I talked to my mom 's new roommate , and she complimented me on my skirt ( a floral print ) , that she said was perfect for a luau . ( My mother never said a word about it . ) We waited , and there was a tenseness in the air . Finally , they opened the doors , and called us in , by families and guests . The Director Of Nursing came out , wearing the tallest stiletto heels that I had ever seen in my life . Honestly , it looked as though she was walking on stilts . ( I would have fallen off , and needed physical therapy ! LOL ! ) I looked back at the new roommate - a precious , frail , French lady , and asked if she could sit with my mom and me , and it turned out that they had it set up that way already . We were so glad . She lovingly touched my mom 's hand , as she sat next to her . She is so very sweet . We enjoyed looking at the decorations . Someone had transformed the dining hall into a cruise ship , and it was amazing . There were strings of white lights that went from the corners of the room to the center , murals on the walls of palm trees , fish , and the ocean . Over the door it said , " Bon Voyage " between two red and white lifesaver floats . A young man in a captain 's hat held the door for us . There was orange punch , with umbrellas in the glasses , and everyone received a beautiful Hawaiian lei . There was live acoustical music , and recorded music that was very enjoyable . And there were some authentic Hawaiian dancers - some with grass skirts , and the whole get up . It took quite awhile to get everyone served , and it took lots of people helping , as well . The menu was Coconut Shrimp , Teriyaki Salmon , Brown Rice , Carrots , Rolls , and Pineapple Upside Down Cake . ( Betty is right about the food . It wasn 't good . I ate my roll , my rice , and my cake . All carbs ! ! ! ) I feel sorry for anyone who has to exist on this food , so I try to bring things into my mom , as often as I can . But all in all , it was a very nice cruise ! LOL ! The decorations were out of this world , and one woman danced with a candle on her head , and one in each hand , until the Director of Nursing came frantically rushing out onto the stage , to blow them out . ( Probably , wisely , against nursing home codes . ) That part was funny , as the woman had to finish her dance with blown out candles , but we all clapped really loud for her anyway . Since my mom was not particularly in a talkative mood , I talked a lot with a lady next to me , Ruby Martain . Ruby 's son , and 4 year old granddaughter were there . The granddaughter 's name was Riley , and she was having the time of her life , dancing to the music . Everything that Ruby said made perfect sense , until she asked me if I lived here . I told her that I did , and my mom also lived in the Fort Walton Beach area . I asked her if she lived at the nursing home , and she smiled and said that she did . Then she added , " I count the buses for them . They said I did a really good job , and wanted me to come to work for them . So I count the buses for them , and there were 7 today . " I smiled with warmth , and said how wonderful that was , and felt sad that conversations often go this way in the nursing home . ( You sometimes feel like you 've stepped into the Twilight Zone . ) And you have - the " Twilight Of Life " Zone . After the " cruise " was over , I wheeled my mom back to her room , and someone else wheeled Ferl ( aka Fergoine , that we can never pronounce ) . She thanked us so much for including her in the evening , and we told her we were pleased to have her be with us . Then my mom seemed agitated again , as the talk turned to the aggravating things that have happened in the nursing home . She was telling the truth about the things that frustrated her , and we listened and agreed . ( But I wished there could have been something pleasant to talk about , but it was clear from the start , that wasn 't going to happen this evening . ) What should have been a lovely evening on the " Love Boat " was a little lacking in love , but with my mom , that 's the way things sometimes go . I can 't change that , but I had a good time , and was glad to get home and see Rob , and sit in my cozy bedroom chair to read awhile . It 's been an exhausting , emotional week … So today was the day we saw the Ortho doctor , for the first follow - up appointment since my mom 's hip surgery . For those just joining me , my mom broke her right foot and left leg , and had been in a nursing home , temporarily , for rehab . Just before she was to be released , she fell one night on the way to the bathroom , and broke her right hip . She needed surgery this time , and it has been a long , long journey back . The news was good today , though the " Ortho Shrew " was back to being a " semi - shrew " again . She didn 't have much to say about the terrible spasms , that my mom has been experiencing , in her leg and hip . She practically shrugged her shoulders at it . But she did seem to think that the healing progress was very good . We got to look at the X - rays , and as big as you please , we were able to see the rod and screws that were inserted to hold the hip together . It was amazing . After the doc left the room , I rolled my mom closer to the x - ray light board , and pointed out the screws to her . The doctor said it would be approximately 6 more weeks , before she would begin to feel like herself again , and I believed she hinted at 4 - 6 weeks for rehab , though the nursing home has hinted at possibly 3 more weeks . I hope they don 't send her home too quickly , because she needs to be as steady on her feet as possible , to avoid another injury when she goes home . I hope she will be agreeable to use her walker in the house now , and will take every precaution . I know that she doesn 't want to get hurt again . My mom had not eaten since breakfast , and she is an insulin dependent diabetic . I pilfered some candy kisses off the receptionist at the Ortho doctor 's office , fearing that she could go low , without something sweet . After her appointment , I wheeled her across the street to the nursing home , and then went to the Waffle House to get take out food . Then I went back to the nursing home , carrying 2 coffees , 2 cups of grits , and 2 trays of food . I had to somehow manage to get all of this , and my mom ( in a wheelchair ) over to the atrium . But it wasn 't easy . I got a basket , and put the coffees and the grits in it ( and put that in my mom 's lap ) , and then I put the bag ( with the trays of food ) over the handlebars of the wheelchair , and off we went . Thank the Lord for the escape we can sometimes make to the Residential Atrium - ( a much cheerier place than the nursing home . ) They got our order almost correct , with the exception of not including sweet and low for my mom 's coffee . ( She was not happy about that . Sometimes I think I 'm losing my mind these days , as I can 't seem to think of everything that I need to . There 's just too much to compute . ) But we enjoyed the food , and certainly needed it , as it was almost 4 p . m . , and neither of us had eaten since breakfast . My mom was in a blue " funk " today for some reason . ( That place does that to you some days . ) We sometimes think that they stay up at night , thinking of ways to torment us . LOL ! They changed transportation plans on us several times , and we always feel crazy trying to keep up with all their mistakes and changes . I finally just decided to wheel her back to the nursing home , as it was easier ( and faster ) than trying to coordinate transportation . Besides , my mom had gotten very cold waiting in the doctor 's office , and it was good for her to be in the warmth of the sunshine . The day is almost over now , and I am exhausted . I have been trying to do far too much again . I coughed for 6 hours straight last night , and have had a cold ( or horrible allergies ) for a month . Tomorrow , I have a doctor 's appointment in Panama City ( a 2 hour drive ) , and the truth is , I have not taken care of myself lately , because there is no time for that . I am a diabetic also , and have high blood pressure , hypothyroidism , high cholesterol , reflux disease , a very high A1c , and general poor health , because of so much stress . It takes a lot out of a person to live two lives . ( I can hardly manage one , I admit . ) But you do what you have to do , and more than that , I do it for love - love of my widowed mom , who needs me now more than ever . I am exhausted emotionally and physically , and my health is reflecting that . I know that I cannot do more than I have , and I fear that I will be even busier , and more stressed when my mom returns home , because I know she will be there on her own ( by choice ) , and I will have to keep a very watchful eye on her , ( which I have always done , to the best of my ability . ) The risks are even greater now . So I am glad that I can lean on God for the support and strength that I need daily . My mom got a new roommate today - a very pleasant 82 year old French lady , who is a bit like Sophie ( that we adored ) , and nothing like Addie ( who we didn 't . ) I am glad that it is not another person with extreme dementia or Alzheimer 's , as that is so wearing on the person in the room , and even on their families , when they visit . Truthfully , who you have as a roommate is so important to your well being , and happiness , in the nursing home environment , and I think this will be a good match . Perhaps it will cheer my mom up , to have someone pleasant to talk to again . The bond that a mother and child share is like no other . A mother is our first memory , and we are their last ( and all the ones in between . ) Though disagreements may occur , just let someone else try to hurt either one of us , and there will be hell to pay . When all the other friends are gone , there will always be a mother waiting with open arms , and when her last hope is almost gone , there will always be her child , to see her through . I received a call from the nursing home , and could not quite wake up enough to answer it . But I quickly listened to the message . It was from a name that I didn 't recognize , but she said that my mom had new doctor 's orders , and that all her pain medicines had been DCed ( discontinued . ) I wasn 't really worried about the additional pain meds that she had received since her hip surgery , but I was worried if that included her Oxycontin . Rubbing my eyes , and dragging myself out of bed once again , I tried to come out of my sleep fog , and deal with the current crisis . ( There seems to be at least one a day lately . ) So I quickly called her back and said , " I got your message . Has the Oxycontin also been discontinued ? " She answered , " As a matter of fact , she ( the doctor ) did order that discontinued also . " It took less than a second to blurt out , " You can 't do that . My mom has been on Oxycontin for years , and you cannot just cold turkey her on it . She is 78 years old , and one of the nurses there told me ( another time that they tried to do this ) that she could have a heart attack , and all sorts of withdrawal problems . She 's already had her dosage cut in half from 40 mg . twice a day to 20 mg . twice a day . She needs it for pain management , and she 'll need it to function when she gets out of there . " She said that she would call me back . I waited all day and never received a call . Meanwhile , I went online , and read the horrifying effects of trying to come off Oxycontin , and the even worse effects of trying to come off of it cold turkey . One person said that you had better plan to stay on it until you died ( if you took it long term ) because you would wish you were dead , if you tried to come off of it sooner . ( I knew that my mom 's physical condition could not sustain withdrawal . She has already had 2 heart attacks . ) Sometimes I feel like one little girl against the world , but I am determined to be the best advocate that I can for my mom , and I will not back down when her health and emotional well being are at risk . I called Rob , my husband , who is a lawyer , and he said that if I didn 't hear anything today , that we would go together tomorrow , and find out how to reach the nursing home doctor . She would have to back down on this one . He had planned to go by the nursing home today , to take my mom 's freshly washed clothes , and while he was there , he ran into my favorite nurse ( who just happened to be working our end of the hall that shift . Just happened , that is , by the grace of God . ) Rob explained the situation , and the nurse agreed that Betty should not come off the Oxycontin , and that the risks were great for her , after being on it for so many years . The nurse suggested that we write out her whole history , and the conditions that she was taking the Oxycontin for . These include rheumatoid arthritis , osteoarthritis , fibromyalgia , and diabetic neuropathy . ( Not to mention a now broken right foot , left leg , and right hip . ) Her own primary doctor made no changes to the dosage , when my mom 's previous doctor took a job somewhere else . The doctor that my mom sees now , knows that she needs it for pain management . She has never abused it , and desperately needs it , to be able to function , with all the pain she has from all these conditions . And to take a 78 year old woman , who has just been through major surgery , and cold turkey her on a very strong opiate narcotic , is insane ! Rob told the nurse ( the one we like ) that we would take responsibility for any effects of her going back on the Oxycontin , but if anything happened because they took her off of it , we would sue the doctor . Bravo ! Rob then called me , to tell me that I needed to write a complete history of her use , and need of Oxycontin . ( It 's so funny - this day did not go at all like I had hoped . I had hoped to get some sleep , and then to try and straighten my living room . ( My entire house is in shambles , from all the craziness of my schedule - running everywhere , and never at home . ) I 'm having to reclaim it one room at a time . But it will be there tomorrow , and tomorrow … But this situation was my greatest priority , so I headed to the computer . The nurse said , " I 'd put her back on the amount of Oxycontin that she normally takes . Because on the reduced amount she 's been on , she has breakthrough pain in her hip and leg . This way she may not . " Can you believe the doctor agreed to do it ? God is Good ! ! ! ! The nurse also told me , that if there is any breakthrough pain , there is a fast acting Oxycontin , that is out of your system in 1 to 2 hours , that could be used . And she can also have Motrin . We were told that Betty 's liver enzymes are elevated , and the nurse said that is not something that Oxy does . We all suspect that it is the Loritab they 've had her on , which is hydrocodone and Tylenol . Tylenol is fast becoming worrisome , because of its effects on the liver , particularly in a case like my mom 's , where they have been giving so much of it to her . I can only hope and pray that they have not damaged her liver with it . I said to the nurse , " You are a Miracle Worker ! We 've been trying to get that Oxycontin back to the correct level forever , and they just ignore our pleas . " Then I thanked the nurse from the bottom of my heart , and said that I hoped that the vacation was wonderful ! This has not been the first time that this nurse has saved the day for us ( or tried to . ) There are truly still some really nice people in this world , ( along with the jerks . ) God places them where we need them , and His favor is a sign of His ever present care and love . Life is , without a doubt , a constant spiritual battle . Good against evil - plain and simple . And it is absolutely a fight to the finish . But the darkness never fully prevails , because of the Light that overcomes it . Thank you Lord , for the miracle You performed today through this nurse . I praise You , and love You for Your constant faithfulness and protection for my family and friends . Last Sunday , on the spur of the moment , I stopped in the deli at Publix , and picked up some snack items , for an informal picnic with my mom , at the nursing home . She had mentioned that she would love some potato salad , and Publix has terrific potato salad . My favorite is called " Southern Style . " It tastes just like homemade ! I also picked up some sliced Havarti cheese , some fresh fruit , and 2 small slices of cheesecake . Even though my mom is a diabetic , at the end of the day , she will always have a snack to ensure that her blood sugar does not go low in the night . ( So we considered the cheesecake her bedtime snack . ) Okay , that 's stretching it a bit , but if you can 't live a little every now and then , what 's the point , right ? I bought one of the Publix green tote - bags for $ . 99 , and put all the picnic items in it . I had already made up a bag of drinks , utensils , plates , and napkins . So bearing food gifts , I headed toward the nursing home . This nursing home has almost no decent places for a family to meet , outside of the room . And my mom looks forward to getting out of the room whenever she can . But we discovered a " get - away " made in heaven . The Senior Living Residential area has a lovely atrium , and it just so happens that there are actually hidden away doors , far down at the end of the hall , that connect the two . Bingo ! ! ! It was almost 7 : 00 p . m . when I arrived . I called for the CNA to transfer my mom to her wheelchair , and I kidnapped her ! We ran away to the atirum . ( Okay , I did stop at the nurse 's desk , and tell them where we would be . ) I 'm too law abiding not to . LOL ! The atrium is beautiful . It looks like a huge courtyard , and it even has lights on poles , that have fans on top of them , near each sitting area . You can adjust the brightness of the lights , and the power of the fans , by an easy to reach switch . The atrium also has lots of tables and chairs , and game areas , etc . , and most of all , lots of green plants . Can you imagine how good this seemed to us ? We were away from the unpleasant smells , and the heartbreaking sights of the nursing home , and we pretended ( for a little while ) that we were together again , on one of our " girls nights out . " I put a lace tablecloth on the table , and added a battery - operated flickering candle that looked so real ! We laughed and talked , and squealed about how good everything tasted ( especially the cheesecake . ) One older lady , who lived in the apartments , and was strolling by with her walker , stopped to see what we were doing . ( She thought the picnic wasdelightful . ) We had so much fun ! We actually forgot about the time , and finally realized that we had better get back to the room , as the nurses did their nightly " drug pass " between 8 : 00 and 8 : 30 p . m . It was a little after 8 : 30 . ( However , my favorite male nurse ( who only works my mom 's hall sporadically ) said it was okay for us to go , and that we could stay as long as we liked , and he would leave her room for last . ) It pays to have connections ! LOL ! As we rushed back to the nursing home part , we saw Snowball , the cat , prancing down the hall towards us . Snowball is a declawed cat that lives in the nursing home . How cool is that ? ( D . J . The Golden Retriever visits every week also . ) We told everyone that we passed that we had " run away " for awhile . They all smiled and nodded with delight . We smiled too , until we remembered that the nurse would be taking Betty 's blood sugar before bedtime . LOL ! Oh well … There is so much cruelty in this world , and unfortunately , from people who claim to be Christians . Only a close friend or family member could hurt you this badly . I am not really surprised though , because this person has always tried to judge me for many years . But I overlooked it , and tried to love her anyway . I am sure now that jealousy is at the root of it all . God is not fond of those who try to stir up discord , and this person has taken a small comment of frustration from me , about her continuing know it all behavior , and used it to devastate everyone in our remaining family . But I know that I am not fighting flesh and blood , but Satan himself , acting through this person . Her motives are wrong , and her heart is wrong . Man looks on the outward appearance , but God looks on the heart . I can honestly say that my heart has been right in this relationship . And before God , my heart is pure now . She wrote a letter that pretty much wrecked everyone in our family - my brother , my mom and me . It was full of lies , half - truths , and venom . She even tried to hurt my memories of my dad , by saying something that she knew would hurt me . These words were calculated to annihilate and destroy . And for a moment , they did . But I will not give her the satisfaction of lingering over them anymore , because the spirit was totally evil . I know evil when I witness it , and this was from the pit of hell . I have bigger things to worry about than someone who has chosen to be judge and jury , concerning my care of my mom . She always has a better idea , always has a story of how she did everything right with her dad ( from changing his diapers , to spoon feeding him ) , and never misses a chance to tell me where I have gone wrong . I dismiss this person from my life . She is no longer significant , because I have much greater concerns . I am concerned about my mom , and I have NO regrets for the care that I have given her . I have loved her always , and have been there for her whenever she needed me , and anything else is a lie . I have been completely devoted to her for the past 3 years , since my dad died , and I will be there for her until her death . I have complete peace of mind about our realtionship . It was not always perfect , but it was and ( is ) always based on complete love and devotion , and I do not have to defend myself to anyone . Before God ( my true Defender ) - He knows the truth of my heart , and for that I am so very grateful . This person uses accusations to cause guilt , outright lies to wound , and gossip to sow discord . She is not what she tries to appear , though I have not been fooled by her ( ever . ) Still , I have shown her love and acceptance . Always . And so I ponder what kind of evil would cause a person to do such a thing , at a time when our family is in devastating crisis . At a time when the decisions we are facing are heartbreaking , and the pain we face daily is crushing . Condemnation instead of comfort is so hurtful . And none of us deserve it . Perhaps one good thing did come from this . My brother and I have grown closer . We have talked , and I told him of my unconditional love for him . I told him that , even if at times I seem overwhelmed and frustrated with the primary care of my mom , I appreciate the things he has done , and I am pleased with him as a person . ( Not that he even needs my approval . I just wanted him to know . ) He has totally changed his life around , works hard , and does the best he can to make a decent life for his teenage son and himself . The stress of my mom 's illnesses and injuries has taken a toll on both of us , but I will not let the callousness and inhumanity of this cold , uncaring person come between us , or any member of my family . Nor will I let her destroy me or my memories . Forgiveness will come , but it will take time … lots of time . She has tried to inflict fatal wounds , but all she has succeeded in doing , is bringing my family closer in this sad time . What Satan intended for evil , God will use for good . And I do not have to continue to subject myself to the cruelty of her thoughts and words . And I will not subject myself to them . She is dismissed from my life . I cling to the kindness and grace of my God , and to His embrace , when I feel that I cannot take another step . He will deal with this person in His way , and in His time . His way is perfect . My task is to not grow bitter , and to somehow forgive . When you are caring for an aging parent , you learn a lot about loss . Their losses are too many to count , but your losses are huge also . As a daughter , I will forever long for my mom . Even though my mom and I didn 't have an ideal relationship , when I was growing up ( who does ? ) , she is and will always be … my mom . Now that Sam , my stepfather , has been dead for over 3 years , and my mom 's health and mental status seems to be fading rapidly , I am already feeling like an orphan . Even as adults , as long as our parents are alive , we feel secure in the knowledge that , if we need them , they are there . There is some sense of security and protection in that belief . The truth is , they need us now , more and more . The roles have changed forever , and there is no turning back . The parent has become the child , and the child has become the parent . But sometimes in our memories , we retreat to a safer time and place , when all the responsibility of the world was not on our shoulders . If middle - age ( bordering on older middle age ) is not scary enough , suddenly we are responsible for everyone . High school and college age kids , parents with failing health and confusion , and spouses who also need some attention and time from us . We begin to feel squeezed by the constancy of it all , and a day spent in bed seems like a storybook option - something we do not allow ourselves very often , because there is much to be done , and we certainly believe that it all has to be done by us . One day I realized that if something happened to me , the whole puzzle would fall apart . Everything would break down , if I did . ( Talk about pressure . ) But of course , for me to break down would be selfish , and self - centered , wouldn 't it ? How scary have things gotten when a breakdown sounds like a way of escape ? Let 's don 't go there … I got a call today from a social worker at the nursing home where my mom is receiving rehab . We are scheduled for yet another of their famous " care plan " meetings , where everyone sits around a large table , and feels intimidated by the people staring back at us . Their decisions are sometimes made with abject callousness , because after all - it isn 't their parent , and it isn 't their problem . The assessments are given , and the cold hard facts about how long the " inmate " does or doesn 't have to continue with therapy are calculated . ( I have to wonder how much of that is based on what financial gain ( or not ) they will stand to receive . ) Last time , our meeting was very positive . The occupational therapist , the physical therapist , and the dietician all had a report about my mom . She passed with flying colors , except for a protein nutritional deficiency , and a problem with keeping a leg brace on , ( that was way too big . ) So big that it kept sliding off her leg . She was told at that time , that if she received a report from the doctor , that the leg and foot were mending , and that she no longer needed the leg brace and orthopedic shoe , then they could keep her about a week longer , for additional instruction in regaining a more normal gait , and a little help with balance issues . She would be home in a week or so - two at the very most . Now they are saying that she is having some mental issues - she " goes in and out " according to the nurse 's assistants . While I know that previously ( before these falls ) , she had some memory loss and confusion , it was minor and manageable . ( Now I am not so sure . ) I live in fear daily of what I will find when I go to visit . ( Some days she is as clear as a bell , and others she isn 't . ) I am sure that I have been in denial to some degree . I have been sure that it was the anesthesia , or the trauma of the surgery , or the morphine , or the daily cocktail and combination of drugs that she takes , with new culprits thrown into the mix lately . There is also the different surroundings , and the complete change in her daily routine to consider . ( And the cutting of her Oxycontin dosage in half , while adding Loritab . ) Maybe it 's denial , or maybe it 's hanging onto a hope that keeps me going . I am not sure anymore if she will go home , or if she should . I know that will be the plan , but everything has changed now … everything . I no longer feel that she is walking on the precarious tightrope that she once was . I feel that she has taken an almost fatal fall , and there was no safety net . But she still wants to get on the wire again . ( I guess we all would . Because not to , would mean the loss of everything . ) Of course , her safety is of supreme importance , but her happiness is no minor issue . We can house people , keep them alive , and imprison them in homes , and for the most part they will be safer ( though not completely so , for my mom broke her hip , while in the nursing home . ) There are no rails on the bed there , and sometimes in her confusion ( combined with her stubbornness ) she tries to get up , and threatens to walk to the bathroom , forgetting that she can 't right now , and not realizing that she is not likely to survive one more fall . ( Neither am I for that matter . ) I am the one who listened to her scream for 6 hours in agony in the ER . I am the one who saw her throw up in the elevator from pain , morphine and the motion of the gurney . I am the one who listened intently , while the anesthesiologists insisted on recounting in detail ( in her presence ) why she may not survive her surgery , and all the complications that could occur . I am the one who had to listen to her question why there were bugs on the wall , as she hallucinated , on her first night back in the nursing home . Was it the anesthesia ? The morphine ? The trauma of her injury , pain , and surgery ? I don 't know … but I do know that it scared the heck out of me . She yelled at everyone in her frustration and confusion , and accused me of not coming when she called . But it wasn 't that that brought me to tears . It was this Sunday , when she wet her clothing , and thought that her roommate had done it . It was when I had to listen to the CNA tell me that she was getting worse mentally , and that they would once again have the psychiatrist examine her on Wednesday . It was the grieving for all that she has lost , and all that I have . It was just because . Now I try to balance protecting her , with keeping her informed about her care . We have been told that at this point , she is receiving coverage from her Medicare , but because of the length of her stay , her supplemental insurance ( Blue Cross Blue Shield ) is no longer in effect , and that she is incurring a daily personal cost of $ 128 . 00 dollars a day . ( I nearly fell out of bed the day I got that message . ) But I decided not to tell her for now . It could only make her feel worse , and there is no way we could pay that . No way . The only asset she has is her house , and they can 't take the homestead . You can 't squeeze blood from a turnip . So I 'm wondering how all these factors will affect her " care plan " meeting . Right now she can 't even take a step . All of her therapy is done from her wheelchair or another chair , and she is not even on her feet at this point . ( There is no way she can go home at this time . ) But I never know what they will say or do next . I never thought they would send her home from the hospital after she had pneumonia either . She had not even come near to finishing her therapy for her broken leg and foot , and the doctor told her she could go home . ( Not back to the nursing home … home to her house . ) How ridiculous was that ? The physical therapist said that she was sure to fall and hurt herself badly , if she put full weight on her broken leg . We had to have an all out war with her , to get her to consent to go back . The doctor said that as long as she was considered competent , he could not force her to go back for the therapy . ( I felt like saying - then you take her home , and be responsible for what happens if she falls . ) Finally , she agreed to go back , and finish her physical therapy , and the rest is history . A few days before being released ( rightfully ) , she fell and broke her hip . And the beat goes on … Tonight Rob and I went to her house , and cleaned out the refrigerator . ( You don 't want to know the " science projects " that awaited us , after her 2 month absence . ) It was one of the things that got lost in the urgency of the crisis of the moment . We also got rid of the flour in the pantry , old cereal , and stale crackers and cookies . Somehow , it made me feel sad and sick . Just being there - in her house - without her , seemed so wrong . I smelled her scent when I walked in her bedroom . I saw the family room where she watched TV , and it 's dark , and all the medicine bottles have been abandoned , along with her insulin pens and charts . I cried on the way home . They were inner tears this time , where you feel the pain in your heart , but they don 't run down your face . I know that she will probably return to her home , but I don 't know how much longer she can stay there , or how much longer I can carry the weight of it all . And it is the not knowing , that adds to the heartache . But as long as I 'm alive , she will never be alone , and I 'll stand by her - protecting and comforting her … How much can a heart break until it can 't break anymore ? How much sorrow can a person endure until they are numb ? Apparently , I haven 't reached that place yet , as I am still crying . I have been strong beyond my ability . ( Mainly because it wasn 't my ability , but the Lord 's , that has brought me this far . ) Can I trust Him to carry me further still ? There have been no mountaintop experiences in my life for a long time - just valleys that seem to never end . They say that it 's in the valleys that you develop character . ( Whoever they are . ) I wonder how much pain they have survived , to know such a thing , though I do believe it 's true . I must be full of character by now , and I 'm so ready to cry " uncle . " ( It 's an expression for saying " I give up - enough 's enough . " ) But how much is enough ? How hot does the fire get , before you run screaming out of it ( or worse , are consumed by it ? ) How lonely do you have to feel , before someone hugs you tightly and says , " It will be okay . " ( Even if you know it won 't . ) How invisible ( in your pain ) do you have to become , before you completely disappear ? I went to the nursing home this evening , and I found my mom sitting on her bed , eating her dinner . She looked very exhausted and tired . There was a strong odor of urine in the room , though I didn 't mention it . I had tried to call her all day the day before , but had not been able to reach her . I was not able to visit yesterday , as I was not feeling well . And I had tried all day today as well . ( I go at least every other day . Sometimes every day , when I am able . ) After calling and calling , I realized that she could no longer figure out how to answer the phone . My brother had left a cell phone for her , and had painted green where the " answer " button was , and red where the " hang up " button was , but the paint or marker had worn off . So now , she would fumble with the buttons , completely frustrated , trying to answer , with no success . And I would begin to worry when I couldn 't reach her . ( I have to back up a little to tell the story . ) My mom had a fabulous roommate until Saturday . Sophie went home on Saturday morning . It was a very sad time for her and my mom , as they had grown to love each other . They were allies against the nursing home world , and together they could overcome almost every obstacle or trauma . Truly it was a lovely friendship - one made in heaven . On the day she left , my mom requested that Sophie play her German music one more time . My mom had become very fond of it . Sophie always provided atmosphere in the room . On certain nights , you would think you were in a 5 - Star Hotel . Sophie even had a fish , swimming in a serene aquarium , and at night before bedtime , she would dim the lights and play beautiful classical music , or her German songs . ( She was from Germany , and had a lovely accent . ) It was a charming atmosphere for a nursing home room , while Sophie was there . On the same day that Sophie left , Addie arrived . Addie is a large , very confused , and aggressive woman . It was a total culture shock after sweet , precious soft - spoken Sophie . Addie immediately wanted the blinds closed . She could not figure out why she was there , and she cursed under her breath every moment . When I would try to visit my mom , I would often pull the curtain , so that we could talk in peace , but Addie would pull it back abruptly , without warning . She ordered me around , and I did numerous tasks for her , and she kept asking where the remote for the TV was . Sadly , I had to tell her , that they had said that the maintenance man would bring one - but he never did . Not in weeks . ( This has really been hard on my mom , who has a broken hip , and can 't get out of bed to change the channel . ) Since her eyesight has grown worse , it doesn 't leave anything for her to do , but lie in bed . She tries to read the paper , or a magazine now and then , but she can 't see well enough anymore , to read for very long . Addie must have asked 20 times in 30 minutes , about the remote control . Then she wanted to know a million other things … over , and over , and over again . I was nearly crazy , so I know my mom was . She has to live with this 24 / 7 . Even in the night , Addie will curse and say , " I can 't wait to get out of this hell hole . Or , " Oh , God . " ( ETC . ) My mom had broken her right foot and her left leg , and had received therapy , and was about to go home , when she fell one night , on her way to the bathroom , and broke her hip . Now , after a painful surgery , she is once again on another regimen of physical therapy , and this time it is very painful , and even more difficult . In order to get through it , she has to have her rest . Day after day , we all answered Addie 's questions , even though we grew increasingly more frustrated . Finally last Sunday , we decided to complain . My favorite nurse ( a male ) was filling in on my mom 's hall on Sunday afternoon . He usually works on the other hall . When I arrived , much to my surprise , my mom was in her wheelchair , putting on lipstick ( something she has not done in weeks ) , preparing to go to complain with us . ( I thought this was very brave . ) I told the nurse very politely , that the lady was driving my mom crazy , and that I felt she wasn 't getting any rest . He said that he would submit a complaint , and for me to check back . On Wednesday , I went back and asked him if he 'd heard anything , and he said that they would never tell him anything , bu that they would contact us . I told him that I had not heard a word . The CNA , who often works with my mom , agreed that Addie was driving everyone crazy , and said that my mom had finally gotten her told a few times . ( I guess in her frustration , she couldn 't take anymore . ) The male nurse said that he and the CNA ( Certified Nursing Assistant ) would file another complaint . He then told me to check with a nurse ( I 'll leave out her name to protect the innocent ) who would be working on Friday from 2 p . m . through the entire night . He indicated that if I complained again to her , that should take care of it . So that brings us back to this evening ( Friday . ) As I said , I walked in and my mom was sitting on the side of the bed , finishing her dinner . She told me that Addie had put on her ( my mom 's ) clothes , had wet them , and put them in a bag in her wheelchair . ( So that explained the horrible smell when I walked in . ) My nose led me to the bag . By this time , I 'd had it ! I was glad that we had come to complain again . This was just too much . ( Addie was in the dining hall at this time . ) When the nurse came in , we explained what had transpired all through the week , as well as what I had just found . She said , " You mean that Addie is putting on your mom 's clothes , and then wetting them ? " I answered , " That 's what she said , and you can smell the urine . " She agreed , and offered to wash the clothes , as I cleaned my mom 's wheelchair , and Rob gathered up the rest of her clothes to take home and wash . ( But none of us could understand how Addie could possibly fit in my mom 's clothes . ) The nurse left the room , and I put away some gowns and clothes that I had brought for my mom . I finished cleaning her wheelchair with antibacterial wipes , and also cleaned her bedside tray . About this time , the nurse returned and asked to see me outside . She and the CNA were waiting by the entrance , and the CNA proceeded to tell me that my mom had wet the clothes . ( This took a moment to process . ) " I 'm so sorry " , I apologized . " I believed what my mom told me , as she is not one to lie , and she seemed so sure about what had happened . " The CNA told me that my mom was getting worse mentally . She said , " She 's in and out . " I told her and the nurse , that my mom had been a brilliant woman all her life , and had lived completely independently until now . I assured them that while she did have a little confusion and some minor temporary memory problems now and then , that she had never experienced the kind of confusion she was now experiencing , after the surgery . I also told them that for the earlier part of this week , she seemed completely clear to me , except for one or two remarks that made no sense . They said that they would be having her evaluated by the psychiatrist on Wednesday . I asked if I would be told what the evaluation was , and the nurse said that I should call the unit nurse early Wednesday morning , ( early being before 7 : 00 a . m . when the psychiatrist would come ) and tell her I would like to speak with the doctor . ( More run - around probably . I won 't hold my breath , that I will actually learn anything , but we 'll see . ) Rob and I had been on our way to dinner , on this Friday evening , but things had gotten so complicated that we weren 't able to go . When I got back into my mom 's room , she asked if she could get in her wheelchair , so that we could go for a little walk . ( I could not say no - dinner or no dinner for us . I just could not leave her right now . ) So I said that would be fine , and called for the CNA to transfer her to the wheelchair , as she can 't stand right now , and it is a tedious process of moving her legs and body in a certain way , to get into the chair . I went out into the hallway to wait . I found a corner nook , sat down with Rob , and began to cry . It was just too much . I was still trying to process what I had just been told , and the sadness of it all . The tears were streaming down my face so much , that I had to go to a nearby restroom and get some tissue . I apologized to Rob about dinner , and asked if he wanted to go eat alone , or do some errands . He said he would call his mom , while we walked . ( His mom is in Assisted Living in Central Florida . ) So Betty and I escaped ( at least for a moment . ) I took her through the double doors that led to the atrium , where the privileged lived . It was a large open area in the Senior Living residence area . We had visited it before , to see how the " other half " lived . What a contrast between the nursing home , that was tucked away in the back of the building , and the affluence of those who lived in the retirement apartments . We had a very good time . I told her that we were going to run away . We laughed about that , and wished we could . An elderly woman waved to us from her window that overlooked the atrium , and we waved back . We looked at the bowling area , the pool table , the puzzle area ( where 3 dimensional castles had been built , as well as what appeared to be the London Bridge . ) We wheeled right up to the fancy dining hall , and then right into it . The lights were dimmed for the evening , and there was only one worker in the back , who seemed to ignore us . Then we found the pool . I had always smelled chlorine in the atrium , but never saw a pool . Finally , I reasoned that perhaps they didn 't have one , since the whole place was senior citizens , and maybe it would not be safe . But we found it , just off the dining hall . It was a very small rectangular shaped pool for swimming laps , or doing aquacize . The sun was still up , so I wheeled my mom outside into the fresh air - something she has not experienced much of since mid June . We walked completely around the building , a very nice long distance , and then back into the front entrance of the apartments . Sadly , we made our way back to her room , but we were happy with the nice walk we 'd had , and I made a mental note that I could take her to the atrium sometimes , and we could have our snack there . ( I don 't think the people at the retirement apartments would care , and it would be a nice change of scene . ) Once back in the room , she wanted a soda and some crackers , so we sat together at the foot of her bed , and ate peanut butter and cheese crackers . I bring lots of snacks for her , as she has lost 30 pounds since coming to the nursing home ( and she is always giving them away to her favorite helpers . ) Hey , it doesn 't hurt to bribe the best ones . Rob and I decided to go ahead and eat out , and enjoyed a nice dinner ( at 9 : 00 p . m . ) and then on the way home , my cell phone rang . ( I believe she said it was the nursing home Director Of Nursing . ) She was very brash , harsh , and overbearing . She said , " My nurse told me you were upset . " I explained to her that I was no longer upset , but that we did have a problem with my mom 's roommate . She told me that there were only 2 " female beds " available , and they expected a lady to return from the hospital to one , and that the other one was in a room with a lady that sometimes " cried out . " I tried to explain to her that we didn 't want to move my mom , as she had the best room in the nursing home , with a view of the golf course , and lots of bird feeders outside her window . ( She said that she could not move the other lady without her family 's permission . And that she ( Addie ) had previously been in the room with the lady that called out , and her ( Addie 's ) family had asked for her to be moved . ) At a complete loss , I asked her to please not move my mom to either of those rooms , as she was happy with her bed by the window , ( it was just that the other lady was driving her crazy . ) This woman was not compassionate or kind . She would not let me say a word , and I finally gave up in total exasperation , ( deciding that maybe the devil we knew , was better than the one we didn 't know . ) I asked if Addie was due to go home anytime soon , and she said perhaps in a week . So that was that . I slammed my cell phone shut . So this was the culmination of all those complaints , trying to follow nursing home protocol . I was in the van , and the tears began to fall again . Tonight I was finding the world just too cruel , and even though I have been extemely strong through all this , there are those days when it 's just too hard . And so I cry , and for a moment , I let myself experience the horrible reality that has become my life . ( And most importantly , my mom 's life . ) And then I dry my tears , bandage my breaking heart , and go on , afraid to even think about more than the next few hours … |
Excerpt : " Do you remember what I told you about staying out too late ? Do you remember agreeing that you wouldn 't ? " Tears fell from my eyes and I nodded . " You , being the defiant person you are , were out until 3 a . m . Do you think that 's late ? DO YOU ? ! " His grip suddenly tightened when I hadn 't answered him right away . I nodded quickly as fear and uncertainty took over . He began to breathe deeply . " Do you know that I can kill you right now ? " He gave an evil smile and I realized that was his hook in this particular situation . Zac would never kill … but oh how he loved mind games ! I started crying harder but knew better than to scream or … or look away from him . That was another part of the mind games I think . Not being able to look away forced me to see the rage in his eyes and the satisfaction he got from it all . Be careful … I love you like I love my sisters … I 'll always be here for you … She 's right it 'll only get worse … be careful … I thought about Ike 's words all the way home . We walked into the house and took off our jackets . I began to sit down on the couch and then heard Zac behind me . " C ' mere . " I turned around and Zac locked the door while looking at me . He smiled at me as I walked over and we hugged tightly . " I 've missed you , " he whispered . I looked up and instantly wanted him . I inhaled deeply , smelling his mixed scent of wintergreen breath mints , Dial soap and " Obsession for Men . " He kissed me , barely touching his lips to mine , then harder . He picked me up and carried me to the bedroom . Like times before , he was gentle and loving . His hands ran over me like it was the first time he 'd touched me . His eyes expressed love and desire . I wanted him to make me forget everything that had happened . I knew he would . He kissed me , his finger tips running over my lips afterward . I unbuttoned his shirt and he dropped his arms to let me pull it off . He bent his head to kiss my neck and as I tilted my head back , he ran his fingers over my throat and began to lick and bite at my ear . As he kissed my lips again , his hand moved from the back of my neck into my hair and he easily pulled the the hair clip out . Then his hands went to my back , unzipping my dress and letting it fall to the floor . He then picked me up and laid me across the bed he had begun pulling my boots off as he kissed my legs . Then he stood and took my hands causing me to sit up . He bent down and kissed me as I started to unbuckle his belt and slid his pants down . After slipping off his shoes , he stepped out of his pants and crawled onto the bed . We slipped under the blanket and became instantly lost in passion and desire . His fingers grabbed the sheet next to my head as the other hand became laced with mine close to the headboard . I felt his grip tighten and we were both breathless as a release came and he collapsed on top of meWe laid still for a few minutes , regaining control of ourselves until our breathing and hearts had slowed down . He raised his head and kissed my chest , neck then my lips and finally my forehead . His lips gently touched the cut and his fingers ran over it as he looked down at me . I saw his eyebrows wrinkle as his eyes became filled with regret . I put my arms around him and smiled . His face relaxed and he smiled back then kissed me again . Then , rolling over to lay next to me , he pulled me into his arms and began to twist my hair around his fingers . " I love you . " he said quietly . I looked at him and said " I love you too Zac . " We talked softly for a little while about the day and his family . It wasn 't even a full 30 minutes before we started to drift off . I felt a tightness in my chest as his fingers gripped me in his sleep . At the same time though , I was happy that I 'd had some time with him . I loved him and couldn 't stand to think of not having him . Still , I couldn 't get Ike 's words out my head … they just kept coming back . I heard his voice repeating them over and over : " Be careful … I 'll always be here for you … I don 't know what else to do … I love you like I love my sisters … It 'll only get worse … I 'll always be here for you … Zac makes it hard to love him sometimes … We all thought he 'd changed … I don 't understand why you 're still with him … Be careful … I love you like I love my sisters … It 'll only get worse … Be careful … Be careful … Be careful … " " So tell me about Ricky , is he a playboy ? " Zac asked . I started to answer but was interrupted " Ladies and gentleman , this is your Captain speaking , we will be landing in about ten minutes so please remain in your seats and fasten your seat belts . " I reached over to fasten my seat belt as I answered Zac . " No . Well , he was but not since he met Lacey . " I smiled . Zac and I had been through a rushed and chaotic morning and were happy to be landing . The guys had finished the album the day before and Zac and I were on a plane to go visit Lacey and Ricky . " Good , " Zac nodded , " Then I won 't have to worry about him getting too close to you . " I looked at him with a little laugh and he grinned and lifted my hand to his lips as the plane started to lower toward the ground . Once we had landed and exited the plane , we got our bags and climbed into the car that Zac had arranged to take us to the hotel . When we got there , we signed in and took our key card . We took the elevator to the 13th floor and opened the door to our room . It was beautiful and I gasped when we walked in . It had a sitting area and kitchenette , and a bedroom on one side . There was a small table by the door that had a phone and a cream colored vase with fake wild flowers in it . The sitting area was straight ahead and sunken . There was wall to wall cream colored carpet . The couch was in a pale blue with cream and light blue throw pillows on it . In front of it was a dark cherry wood coffee and the large TV faced the couch . On each side of the couch was an end table that had a small lamp on it with pale blue lamp shades . There were two small chairs in the room , at each end of the long coffee table . Both were pale blue and had a cream colored throw pillow on them . The balcony doors behind the TV , opened onto a small area with an amazing view of the mountains . ( Lacey and Ricky had decided to get married close to his aunt 's house in Montana , where the reception would be . ) The bedroom was just before the wall to wall stairs that led into the sitting area . Double doors led into the spacious bedroom . The large bed was in the middle and dressed in shades of blue and on each side was a night stand and on it a small lamp . There was a small double shelf that had drawers in the bottom part and a TV and phone on the top . The bathroom was inside the bedroom and decorated in shades of cream and peach . It had a gigantic whirlpool tub and a double sink . The kitchenette was across from the bedroom . It was all in cream and stainless steel . " Zac , this is amazing ! " I said as I walked back out into the entrance . " Mmm hmm , " he said with a nod as he dialed the number to call Diana . I took our luggage into the bedroom and started unpacking . We had been worried about leaving with Karen being due any day now so Zac wanted to keep in close contact with the family in Tulsa . " Well , things are OK at home . " Zac said as he came in and stood by the bed . " I like this . I had no idea the state had such beautiful scenery and it seems so … peaceful . " He grinned looking out of our bedroom window . " Good , " I said returning the smile . " Me too . I think it 's wonderful . " I zipped up a suitcase and shoved it under the bed . " Oh ! I need to call Lacey . " I said picking up the phone . She and Ricky were staying at his aunt 's house . I dialed her number . On the second ring , Lacey answered . " Hey Lace … ! Yeah , we 're at the hotel . We landed about 45 minutes ago … Oh yeah , we both love it ! It 's so pretty ! " Zac lay on his stomach across the bed and looked over a city guide / sightseeing book that was in one of the drawers , while I chatted on the phone . " … Dinner with you and Ricky tonight ? Um , " I looked at Zac and he shrugged and smiled " OK , that sounds good … yeah … yeah … OK see you then … me too … bye . " After a 30 minute nap , Zac and I both showered and changed . Then we went downstairs to meet Lacey and Ricky in the hotel lobby . " Mel ! Oh my God ! " Lacey came running up to me as soon as Zac and I turned the corner . " I 've missed you so much ! How are you ? Let me look at you ! " Lacey stepped back and looked me up and down then we embraced again . She showed off her engagement ring and we hugged again . " Hey , hey , hey ! My turn ! " Ricky said laughing as he pulled Lacey 's arms from around my neck and hugged me . Then after taking a moment to compose ourselves , I said " Lacey , Ricky , this is Zac Hanson . Sweetheart , this is the blushing bride and groom - to - be , Lacey Brooks and Ricky Tillman . " They all exchanged handshakes and polite greetings and then Ricky , putting his arm around Lace , said " Well , we have a great place picked out for dinner if you 're ready . " Zac took my hand and with a nod , smiled saying " Yeah , let 's go . " We laughed and talked all through dinner . Lacey and Ricky took it on themselves to tell Zac every stupid thing I 've ever done or said and although it was embarrassing , I too had to laugh at the memories of my younger years . " So , how 's the family Zac ? I hear you 're gonna be an uncle soon . " Lacey smiled . Zac looked up over the rim of his wine glass then lowered the glass and swallowed while nodding . " Yeah , my oldest brother Isaac and his wife Karen are expecting their first any day now . " The waiter came to the table and took our dinner dishes and then handed us four dessert menus . As we skimmed the menus , Lacey and I chatted about her wedding plans . Then she said " So , are you two gonna tie the knot soon ? " We all laughed at each other as Zac and I traded glances . Ricky said " Yeah Zac , you gonna make Melissa an honest woman ? " I froze as my whole body tensed . Zac looked at Ricky as though he 'd grown an extra head . Then Lacey added " Ricky , I think their blushing ! " with a laugh . Zac and I smiled and he said " Naw , Mel and me have too much fun to be married yet . " With that , we all laughed and went back to looking over the dessert choices . The firm squeeze Zac gave my knee under the table and the glare I got as I grabbed his hand and glanced at him , told me that I had made a mistake telling Lacey anything about our relationship . The mood was seemingly good after that . We continued on with small talk about the wedding and our families and friends throughout dessert and coffee . When we got back to the hotel , Lacey and Ricky walked into the lobby with us and said goodbye . They shook hands with Zac and both hugged me . As they were walking out , Lacey said " Don 't forget Mel . Tomorrow at five o ' clock , we 'll pick you up in the lobby here . " I smiled and nodded as they walked out . Zac took my hand firmly and led me to the elevator , my stomach tightened and I began to feel my knees weaken . We got into the elevator and just as the door was about to close , an older couple stepped on . I could tell this annoyed Zac and knew right away that he 'd had no intention of waiting until we got to the room to deal with me . They were dressed up in very nice clothes and as the doors closed , the older gentleman looked at us and cleared his throat . " Uh , 8th floor , please . " Zac smiled and reached up to push 8 . They smiled at us a couple of times as we made our way slowly to the 8th floor , but none of us spoke . Zac 's grip on my hand became tighter as his anger at me and his frustration about having to hold it in began to take it 's toll . When the elevator stopped , the older couple smiled and waved as they got off . As the doors shut , my heart sank and I tried to mentally prepare myself for what would take place . Zac was very unpredictable though . I was barely unaware of the fact that he had let go of my hand , then I heard his voice . " Melissa , look at me , " he said calmly . I was nearly shaking but I slowly raised my head and our eyes met . After a moment , and no warning , he calmly drew back his hand and slapped me , hard and fast . His hand grabbed my throat and pushed me against the wall of the elevator . He leaned in close to my ear , then clenched his teeth and said " One way or another you are going to learn to keep your mouth shut ! " Then he let go of me with a shove and stepped back as the elevators opened on our floor . I didn 't cry , I was expecting it in a way . We walked silently to our room , walked in , and then he locked the door . He walked over to me as I stood by the couch . He wrapped his arms around me and turned me around to face him . Gently , he ran his fingers along the side of my face that was still stinging from his hand fiercely connecting with it . He leaned down and kissed me . Then as he raised his head , I saw tears in his eyes . We stood , silent , for a few minutes . He was staring at me . Then he dropped his hand from my face and said quietly " Come to bed . I know you 're tired . " I followed him into the bedroom . I went to the bathroom to change , wash my face and brush my teeth . When I came out , Zac was on the phone . He said " Here she is … hold on . " Then he put the phone on the bed and walked into the bathroom saying " Isaac wants to talk to you . " I picked up the phone and chatted with Ike a few minutes . He asked me twice if anything had happened . I just said no , knowing by his long pauses and sighs that he knew differently . Then we said goodbye and as I hung up , I heard Zac say " Ya know , " I turned to face him as he stood in the bathroom doorway and wiped his hands on a towel , " I like Lacey and Ricky . " I faintly smiled . " I 'm glad , they like you too . Lacey told me when she and I were in the restroom touching up our makeup . " He climbed into bed . As I lay there about to drift off , I faintly heard Zac say my name . " Hmm . " I opened my eyes . " Where are you going tomorrow at five ? What was Lacey talking about ? " I yawned as I answered " Oh , all the girls are getting together to go out for a while . Since not many of her friends could 've made it to the bridal shower , she canceled it and decided on all the girls going out instead . " His silence made a knot form in my stomach . " Zac ? Is that okay ? " I asked raising my head . He looked at me and nodded " Uh - huh . " He kissed me and I laid my head back down next to his . He took my hand and brought it to his lips , kissing my finger tips . Things were once again fine with me and Zac . The anger had dissolved , and the pain had gone away . The next day was sunny and although chilled , it was a nice day , Zac and I did a bit of sightseeing and went out to lunch . The night before ' forgotten ' , we were laughing and talking as though we were a normal , happy couple who were deeply in love with each other . The day went on smoothly as we shopped and bought gifts to take back to Tulsa . Later that afternoon , we went back to the hotel so I could get ready to go out with the girls . As we walked into the lobby , a young receptionist called to us . " Mr . Hanson ! " We walked over to the desk and she handed us a piece of paper . " You have a phone message here from your dad . He asked that we give you this and tell you to call this number as soon as you returned . He said it was important that you call right away , that it 's a family emergency . " She was almost losing her breath from talking so fast . " OK , thank you very much . " Zac said as he and I nearly ran to the elevators . " Come on , come on . " Zac said bouncing as the elevator slowly made it 's way to our floor . Panic was hitting us both . Before the doors opened all the way , Zac grabbed my hand and we jogged to our room . Zac opened the door and grabbed the phone quickly dialing the number written on the paper . " Hey , Jessica … ? It 's Zac , what 's going on ? " he said breathless as I sit our bags on the couch and went to close the door . I walked over to stand next to him . " WHAT ? ! WHEN ? ! " he asked . " Oh my God ! " was his next reply to whatever his sister was saying . " OK … uh - huh … " I crossed my arms as I listened to his end of the conversation . " Zac , what is it ? " I asked quietly . He put his hand up toward me as he continued to talk " … Yeah … uh - huh … " After a few minutes of this , he finally hung up . " Zac ? What happened ? " I asked , seeing the dazed look on his face . " Karen … she went into labor early this morning . She 's at the hospital now . Avery , Mac and Zoe are with aunt Sherry , and everyone else is at the hospital . " I uncrossed my arms and stepped closer as his voiThe evening started with dinner and catching up with some old friends and meeting new ones . We had a great time and laughed and talked without a care in the world as time flew by . I had forgotten about Karen and the worry that Zac and I felt at the situation . I got so caught up in the conversations and carefree dancing and drinking at the bar and grill we were at . Around midnight , our friend , Rachael , led everyone out to the car where Lacey was blindfolded and we were taken into the back entrance of a building a few blocks away . We walked in and were taken by a bouncer to a private area in the back . " Wait here please . " he said as he walked out . We chatted for a few minutes until a guy walked in dressed as a cop . He walked over and led Lacey to a chair in the middle of the room and took her blindfold off . The expression on her face was priceless . We stayed in the room for another two hours , where Lace was treated to a total of three different strippers and we were given more drinks . We were like a bunch of wild and single high school girls , the way we were screaming and squealing . At around 3 a . m , I glanced at my watch . " Oh My God ! " Lacey looked up from adjusting her ring . " What ? " she asked . " It 's three in the morning ! Oh God ! Zac … he didn 't want me out late . " I tried to explain as I tugged on my jacket and said a quick goodbye to everyone . " I heard Lacey call after me as I got to a cab . " Lace , I 'm sorry but I have to go . I 'll see you tomorrow . " I said as I climbed in and gave the address of the hotel . I paid the cab driver and hurried inside to the elevators . I wasn 't really drunk but felt a sick , tight feeling in my stomach as the doors opened on the 13th floor . My breath became quicker as I nearly ran to our room . I was starting to sweat and a sense of fear came over me . Zac was in the room waiting and my mind couldn 't grasp what his reaction might be . I quickly walked in and shut the door . I locked it behind me and put my purse down on the floor as I slid off my jacket . " Zac ! " I called for him . The room was dark except for a small lamp on by the end table next to the couch . I called his name again . After I didn 't get an answer , I relaxed , thinking he must 've gone to sleep . I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes , with a deep sigh . Then I jumped when I heard his voice . " Get in here , now . " he said calmly . I looked over at him . Drunk … Oh God , he 's drunk ! I thought to myself . He was standing , leaning against the door jamb of the bedroom . He was only wearing jeans , and he had a bottle of beer in one hand . The other hand he brought up and used his index finger to point and me and he smiled . Then as he took a long swig of beer , he made a " Come Here " motion with his finger . I nearly started crying but walked to him anyway . He took my hand and led me to the bed , and I sit down . He stepped between my feet , his legs forcing mine apart . I leaned back on my hands and looked up at him . He smiled at me and started playing with the angel pendent on my necklace . He 'd bought it for me a couple of weeks before . He took another drink of the beer in his hand . His other hand slid from my necklace to the back of my head where he began to pull the clip out of my hair , letting it fall down my back . " Damn , you just get more beautiful everyday . " he said dropping the clip on the floor and looking down at me . " Zac , I 'm really tired . Can we please not do this tonight ? Please . " A smile slowly came onto his face and he kinda laughed as he raised the bottle to his lips again . When he lowered the beer bottle , his fingers traced over my lips . " Zac , please . Not now , I 'm really tired . Please Zac , just let me go to sleep . " Then he leaned down and kissed me , not with passion or love , but with drunk desperation . He raised his head and said " You have no idea how bad I want you right now . " The room was starting to spin … the alcohol I 'd drank was making me dizzy and tired . Tears were burning my eyes and blurring my vision . I really didn 't want this , but the way he touc " Do you remember when I told you about Courtney ? How I always wanted to wrap my hands around her throat and hear her beg me not to kill her ? " I quietly said " Yes Zac , I remember . " My voice was shaking and I knew what was coming next . He leaned close to my face , a couple of inches from my ear . His hot breath on my neck sent chills down my spin . He whispered , calmly and with a satisfaction in his voice that he knew I would do exactly what he told me to . " Beg me not to kill you . " He raised back on his knees and looked down at me . Then his fingers tightened , as he smiled and said with raised eyebrows " Beg me not to kill you ! " So I did . I begged him over and over . His smile was evil and his eyes never left mine . His fingers would get tighter and he would tell me " God I love you but I don 't think you want to live bad enough and frankly you are becoming more trouble than you are worth . " I would beg more , louder . Then his fingers would loosen and he 'd say " On the other hand I do love this power and hearing you … God I love hearing you beg for something from me . " Then he would laugh and that would cause me to be quiet with the thought that he was loving every minute of it . My suddenly stopped pleas would bring on two different reactions … twice he would become angry and yell at me that he didn 't tell me to stop , the other reaction was he would smile and say it in a seductive voice " Beg for your life , beg me to stop . " I would continue begging him not to kill me , begging him to just let me go and making promises that I would never ' disobey ' him ever again . After close to an hour , he slowly let go and crawled over me to stand up . After a moment , I sat up on the bed and stretched as I stood . As I walked to the bathroom , he grabbed me and spun me around to face him . He jerked me close to him and said " You will never know how much I love you . But if you ever disobey me again , I will show you just how dangerous I really am . " I sucked in a breath and said " I won 't . Zac , please let me go . " Suddenly , his hand raised and fell , his knuckles connecting with the side of my face and sending me back onto the bed . He turned me over on my back and grabbed my ankles pulling me to the floor with one quick motion . " Oh God Zac don 't ! Please ! " I begged as he jerked me up and slammed me against the wall . His hand connected with my face again , this time his palm . I fell to the floor and he again grabbed my arms jerking me up . He pushed me onto the bed and got on top of me . He began to slap me and scream . I was in pain and crying so much that I couldn 't even hear what he was saying . I just kept begging him " Zac no , please don 't , Zac stop … " all to no avail . He kept hitting as I tried to cover my face . The hits were getting harder as they continued . When it was over , he was passed out on the couch , with the TV on . He 'd simply got up and walked out , closing the bedroom door . I stood in the bathroom , pain running through every part of my body . Tears mixed with blood and I watched as the blood dripped from my face onto the sink . My mind raced as I thought of calling someone . But I kept telling myself that when he sobered up , things would be normal again . They always were , and he and I would go on with our lives . The next morning as I lay in bed , thinking of the night before , I felt Zac 's arm slide around me . I jerked and he paused , then continued until he was laying next to me and had his arm around my waist . I turned from my side to my back and gazed at him . He looked at me and then his eyes closed as he slowly lowered his head and laid it on my abdomen . His arm tightened around me and he began to cry . All he said was " Oh God , I 'm sorry . " Over and over he repeated those words . After a few moments , I took his face in my hands , raising his head so that he looked up at me . " Why ? I don 't understand what happened ? That couldn 't have all come from me being out late did it ? " I felt tears in my eyes now . I had a need to know what had taken place to make him that angry . I had long since learned that Zac is the type who takes his feelings … anger , stress , sadness … out on other people . He looked at me and then raised back on his side to sit up . I watched trying to catch some sort of emotion in him but his face was blank as he stared into space . I waited silently and then came the answer for it all . " Karen lost the baby . " he said in a emotionless tone . I sat up now , leaning against the head board of the bed . " What ? " I asked . I was shocked and could no longer hold back the tears . He looked down and continued . " The baby died . About an hour or so after it was delivered . It stopped breathing and then the heart stopped and they couldn 't get it started back . They had it hooked to machines but it couldn 't survive without them so Ike and Karen decided that they 'd just turn them off and let her go . " Tears began to fall down his face as he finished and I quietly asked " It was a girl ? " He nodded . " Yeah , she was 6 lbs , 4 ounces . Mom said she had some sandy colored hair but they didn 't know what color the eyes were cause she never opened them . It was like she was asleep . They said she looked healthy but inside nothing was working . Her heart , her lungs , her kidneys , nothing was working without the macIf he 'd not been alone , he 'd have turned to me instead of the alcohol , then he wouldn 't have gotten drunk , then he wouldn 't have hit me . That 's right , it was my fault for leaving him . I had convinced myself of that within the next few minutes . Zac stopped washing my face and said " Let me go run you a bath . " He got up and walked into the bathroom . I heard the faucet turn on and the water filling the bathtub . I slowly got up , my body still ached from the night before , and stretched . I walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchenette . I got a bottle of orange juice and a cup of mixed fruit out of the fridge . I walked over and sat on the couch with my feet on the coffee table and started eating breakfast . A while later Zac came in and said " Your bath is ready baby . " I smiled and got up . He said " I 'm gonna call and see how things are going with Karen and Ike . " I nodded as I walked into the bedroom . I shut the door of the bathroom after walking in and quickly noticed that the mirror was steamed up . I got undressed down to my bra and panties and wiped my hand across the huge mirror . For the first time , I caught sight of myself . The right side of my face was slightly swollen and discolored . I had a bruise under my left eye and a split lip . I had a little discoloration on each side of my neck and a bruise on the side of my forehead . My wrist were stiff and my arms and back ached . I sighed , quietly saying a thank you prayer that I 'd decided to bring all of my makeup , as I turned away and slid off my underwear . I slowly stepped into the hot water , instantly loving the way it felt around me . I washed my hair and lathered up with my body wash . After I got out , I reached in and pulled the plug to drain the water as I wrapped a towel around me . My muscles had felt better and I began to rub lotion on . I heard Zac come into the bedroom and I quickly finished up . I walked into the bedroom and smiled at Zac . " How is everything ? " I asked as I dug out a bra and pair of panties from the drawer . " Well , Ike ate a little breakfast this morning and Karen is awake and talking . Everyone is tired but mom said they 've been sleeping in shifts . They are gonna let Karen go home next week if she does okay and then they want to have a short memorial service for the baby . No one thinks anybody could get through a full out deal . So they just want to have a short service , prayer and then bury her with just the close family there . There won 't be a lot to it . " I nodded as I pulled on a pair of jeans and then a t - shirt . Lacey 's wedding was later that afternoon and I was going to Ricky 's aunt 's house with all the girls to get ready . Zac was going to meet us at the church . After a few minutes , Zac and me walked to the elevator and got in . The doors closed as he pushed the button to take us to the lobby . " Are you sure you don 't want to go home now ? I 'm sure we can get an earlier flight . " I asked taking his hand . He just shook his head and said " No , let 's just stick with what we 've got planned . " I leaned against the back wall of the elevator . When the doors opened , Zac took my hand leading me to the front doors and kissed me . " I 'll se " Hold still ! " I said to Lacey as she was in constant movement , in the chair . " I 'm trying ! God , I 'm shaking ! " She said . I sighed as I pulled the curling iron out of her hair and handed the strand to Rachel to be pinned back . We were all gathered in the back of the church doing our best to keep Lacey still while we tried to tame her hair . " Of all the times for you to have a bad hair day . " Rachel said as she let go of the curl once it was secure . Lacey sat in her dress , shoes on the floor and her veil on the closet doorknob . Rachel and me were in our dresses , hair done and makeup on , but still without shoes . Ricky 's cousin was snapping pictures of the chaos going on in the ' dressing room ' . After we finally managed to get finished with Lacey 's hair , her makeup was applied and we all go into our shoes and got her veil on . The photographer took no less then ten photos of the bride - to - be , her 4 bridesmaids and two flower girls . Then he took about five photos of Lacey . Then Ricky 's aunt came in the room saying it was time . Once last hug , and a scolding from Rachel about crying while we wore makeup , and the wedding began . It was beautiful . The traditional bridal march played as Lacey walked down the aisle . I don 't think there was anyone , not one of the 95 guest , that wasn 't at least a little teary eyed when Lacey and Ricky kissed . The reception was a lot of fun . Everyone seemed so happy and your 's truly caught the bouquet … after that Rachel would nudge me with her arm every chance she got . That , for the obvious reasons , made me very uneasy . After Lacey and Ricky left , I hugged everyone goodbye and explained that Zac and I had to return home early due to a family situation . I had already gotten a lecture from Zac , along with a hard slap across the face a couple of days before we came about giving out unnecessary information . So , Zac and I headed back to the hotel and changed . After we got our bags and checked out , we went to the airport . Before long , we were on a plane back to Tulsa . We landed in Tulsa late that night and were picked up by Taylor . " Tori 's at the house with Zoe , Avery and Mac and everyone else is at the hospital with Karen . " Taylor said as he pulled out onto the highway . " How 's Ike ? " Zac asked . Taylor just shook his head without looking away from the road as he drove onto the interstate . " Not good … he 's really not good . " Taylor looked in the rear view mirror and asked " How was it ? The wedding ? I know you have to be exhausted . " I just nodded with a slight smile and asked " How 's everyone else doing ? " Taylor nodded and answered " Well enough I guess . We 're all just tired and kinda at a loss about how to help . I mean , there 's really nothing we can do so we 've just been trying to make sure everyone eats and the little ones stay occupied . We 've been taking turns sleeping , babysitting and stuff . I think once Karen is back home , things will get back into a routine and everyone will be a lot better . " We rode in silence the rest of the way back to the Hanson 's and went inside . Taylor and Zac brought our bags in as I was tugged on and hugged tightly by the kids . I was amazed that in their minds , everything would be fine . They simply couldn 't grasp what had happened and the seriousness of the whole thing . I smiled as Tori and I hugged and she said " Everyone 's missed you both . We were all so glad to know that you and Zac would be coming home tonight . " After getting settled in and telling everyone about our trip , mainly to satisfy Zoe , we both took quick showers and changed . As I was putting on clothes in the bathroom , I heard a knock on the door . " Be out in a sec . " I yelled as I tugged my shirt over my head . " Mel , it 's Tori . " I heard from the other side . As I pulled down my shirt , I opened the door . " Tori , is everything okay ? " I asked and she nodded and said " Yeah , " she continued after closing the door and sat down on the side of the tub . " I just wanted to see if everything was good with you and … " her voice trailed off as she began to stare at me . " What ? " I asked . " Mel , what happened to your face ? " I turned quickly to look in the mirror and realized that I didn 't have any makeup on . Though the swelling had started going down , the split on my lip and the bruise around my eye and on my cheek , and some of the markings on my neck were clear . " Oh , " I said raising my hand to my face . " I just … well , it 's … " I tried to think of something that would cause the bruises . Some kind of excuse … It 's not like I could have said ' Oh It 's okay . Your brother - in - law just smacked me around a bit . ' " I was … " I started to answer but Tori stood and crossed her arms " Don 't ok . Just don 't . " She said as she walked out . I stood in the bathroom for a moment , my stomach tight and heart pounding . " And so continues the saga … " I said quietly out loud to myself . I turned and opened my makeup bag to quickly cover what was left of Zac 's drunken rage over the trauma that had come over his family . The next week was spent with everyone alternating babysitting and overnight hospital stays . It was tiring but no one wanted Ike or Karen to be alone and besides , if someone wasn 't there to shove food at them every few minutes , they certainly wouldn 't have eaten . I 'd decided to stay at the Hansons until after the memorial service . None of us slept any more than an hour at a time . It was usually short naps here and there . We were all so tired by the time Karen got to come home by that Thursday . She was still sore but doing well . Everyone was thrown into their own ways of trying to help and I quietly dealt with the added stress of trying to keep makeup touched up . Although , by the looks I 'd caught Diana , Ike and Walker giving me at times , I 'd figured they 'd seen the bruises . It was rare for Zac and I to be left alone and when we were , it seemed like every few minutes or so , one of them was coming into the room asking if everything was fine . Taylor was the first to start the ' checking up on Melissa ritual ' , which told me one thing - when Tori knows something , Taylor does too . The looks from the family continued on although the bruises were almost gone and the soreness had completely disappeared . The service was held on that Sunday evening and Angel Noelle Hanson was buried in a small cemetery in Tulsa where the Hanson family had several plots bought . The service was small with only some of the family and a few close friends present . Angel was so beautiful and looked like a normal , healthy baby . We knew as time went on things would get better and easier but for the time being , it was fairly quiet around the house and it took all we had just to get through the day . Karen hardly talked on the rare occasions she got out of bed and Ike would simply sit and stare into space for hours . They both seemed to mostly be unaware of anything or anyone around them … even each other . Diana and Walker had asked me to stay for a while longer and I 'd agreed . Zac had driven me to my house to get some more of my stuff and I had moved into his room . Diana and Walker didn 't exactly approve but were too lost in Ike and Karen and how Christmas would be to say much about it . We tried to have as normal of a Christmas and New Year 's as possible , but needless to say , although it was somewhat enjoyable , it was far from what anyone had planned . So much had happened and I had somehow , over the time that was passing rather fast now , moved in with the Hanson family in what looked like would be a permanent arrangement . I didn 't mind though , I loved them as my own family and wanted to be around them . As January turned into February , things had started to get back to what most were calling normal . Everyone sorta went into a routine . Ike and Karen slowly came around and started to act their old selves again . However things wouldn 't be normal for long as , unknown to us , the family was once again about to be thrown into another storm . This would be what changed everything , not only the family 's lives but mine as well . In a turn of events that no one could have ever predicted , but would turn out to be what I am now convinced was my saving Grace … |
Been awhile Posted on April 19 , 2012 by Pappy Its been awhile since my last blog . The situation at the home front has been a bit hectic . While I think up some new topics here is another story you might enjoy . He looked up at the bulletin board on the wall outside the gym hoping upon hope that his name would be on the list for the sixth grade basketball team . It wasn 't . He looked again but knew it wouldn 't be there . Now , he 's a decent player , better than some that did make the cut except for one thing . He 's fat . That 's what the other kids call him anyway but he 's not really . He 's heavy but solid much like a football middle linebacker . Sure he was disappointed but he 's been disappointed before and he handles it well . He has a few good friends , not the kind that make sport teams , but ones that he can talk to and to him that 's important . That 's what he tells himself anyway but he was still disappointed . His name is Fred Nedelhauser but everyone calls him Needles … or fatso , depending on who 's calling his name at the time . The fact that he 's always in a good mood belies the feelings underneath the smile but he has no reservations about his weight and finds it puzzling that it bothers others a whole lot more than it does him . Among his peers his popularity is what it is but at home it is dismal . He 's not one of those abused kids that you hear about nor is he neglected and in fact he lives quite comfortably . He has all the creature comforts for a boy his age and then some . A big screen TV in his room with the latest gaming systems , desktop PC as well as a state of the art laptop , and a sound system to die for . His clothes are the latest fashion ; well , what his parents considers fashion . His house , clothes , and everything else are clean . It 's just that to his parents he 's invisible . He reappears only when they need to parade a child in front of their social circle even then their embarrassed by his weight and make silly excuses . When he 's called for he performs as expected then is quickly sent away like a genie to a bottle . Both his parents are very active in community and church functions with little time for him and truth be known , he finds this situation to his liking . " Why do you torture yourself ? You know there 're not going to let you play in their reindeer games . " He said this with the usual I told you so look on his face which Needles hates . But Jimmy 's his friend and kind of looks after him . Jimmy Flynn is his best friend and in many ways he is just like him … no , not fat but unpopular . Well unpopular with certain cliques . Jimmy is small and a very fast runner . He probably could outrun anyone in school in a footrace . He 's also funny especially when he comments on some of the latest fads or gossip of the in - crowd . His worst trait is his temper . When he gets mad he lets it all hang out not caring who he 's directing his anger at . Some of the older bigger kids make fun of his size and he cuts them down with some pretty good come backs . One time as he and Needles were walking through the lunchroom Dennis Vag , one of the local bullies , yelled out , " Hey its Shorty McShorts , " to which he got a resounding laugh from some of the other kids . Jimmy 's face turned red . Oh - oh , Needles seen that look before . Well , Jimmy strolls over to the table where Dennis is sitting and says loud enough for the whole cafeteria to hear , " You know , I may be short today but I may grow tomorrow however , you are stupid today and will still be stupid tomorrow . " The whole lunchroom responded with a loud " Whoooooooa . " Did I mention that Jimmy is fast ? Dennis stood up and tried to grab Jimmy but he took off through the cafeteria doors and out to the play area before Dennis could leave the table . Needles dreads to see the day when someone catches him though . Saturdays were get out of the house early days before his mom and dad would start nit picking about what he eats , how he dresses , who his friends are , school work , youth group , and so on and so on or maybe drag him to stores to pick out the latest church fashion clothes that he would be paraded around in at the next church function . He met Jimmy in front of Turani 's grocery store ; a local corner store where he ate his favorite breakfast ; a Scooter Pie with chocolate milk finished off with a Tastykake individual pie , usually blueberry . Jimmy would roll his eyes and try to convince him to eat better then buy his usual five cent pickle with a sixteen ounce Royal Crown Cola . They headed off to Cooperville woods where they could get crab apples and swipe strawberries from Petri 's farm . They traveled along the railroad tracks which were abandoned a long time ago and picked wild purple grapes that grew on the tangled vines that choked the bushes and trees . The tracks were used by most of the kids as their main highway to get from place to place . After gorging themselves on the strawberries Jimmy suggested they should walk the path to the Cooperville firehouse where they could get water or pry a soda or two from the firemen but as they were walking they heard voices . Around the bend of the path they were walking they ran into three boys . Their worst nightmare ; Bobby Brennan , Pat McGraff , and the one and only Dennis Vag . Needle ' heart froze . He looked at Jimmy and saw the terror in his face . No lunchroom crowd to hide in , no quick getaways to a public sanctuary , they were alone and knew it . " Well well , look what the rats drug out of the bush ; Needles - in - a - fat stack and … could it be … yes big mouth Shorty McShorts . " Dennis said this with a weird look on his face . He was holding a hatchet in one hand and a quiver of arrows in the other . Bobby and Pat were also carrying hatchets and two fiberglass bows laid on the pine needles nearby . Several small trees had been chopped down and they were busy on another when Needles and Jimmy stumbled upon them . Jimmy tried to run but it was too late . Bobby had quietly slipped behind them and Jimmy ran right into his waiting arms . He threw Jimmy to the ground while Dennis confronted Needles . " Can you get your fat butt up a tree ? " Dennis asked as he pointed to a clump to small saplings to his right . " Bring shrimpo over here , " he commanded Bobby who dragged him by his leg to one of the trees . " Start climbing , " he yelled at Jimmy . Jimmy grabbed the first branch then slowly advanced branch by branch until Dennis told him to stop and Bobby and Pat began laying their hatchets to the narrow trunk when finally they heard the young sapling crack . They quickly stepped back to watch it fall to the ground . Jimmy was holding on to the tree for dear life as it gradually leaned over far enough to let Jimmy 's weight finish the job . Jimmy rode it down with eyes as wide as saucers until a loud thud ended the descent and pitched Jimmy hard to the ground . All three thugs were laughing hysterically . Jimmy got on his feet and began to plead with them to let them go . Dennis hit him hard in the face with his fist which caused Jimmy to fall back on the ground where he stayed . Dennis turned to Needles and trying to catch his breath while still laughing . He grabbed Needles by the front of his shirt and spitting all over him screamed , " Your turn , fatso . " As Needles approached the nearest tree he glanced upward wondering if it could hold his weight when he heard a loud rustling in the bush in front of him . Suddenly a large black and white dog bounded out and ran straight towards Dennis . Growling like a maddened wolf it sank its large teeth into Dennis 's right arm causing him to drop his hatchet . When Bobby and Pat saw this they ran like the wind until they were quickly out of sight . Needles was looking for Jimmy who ran through the woods faster than all of the others . Slowly holding his breath , Needles turned to the dog . He saw the terror in Dennis 's face . It released his arm . Dennis fell to his knees whimpering and sobbing . The dog turned from Dennis and directed his attention to Needles . It looked at him and dropped to its belly resting its head on its forelegs panting steadily . Dennis saw his chance and took off running in the opposite dirction . Needles was frozen to the spot not daring to move afraid to insight the dog . It got up and walked to Needles wagging its tail stopping directly in front of him and fondly licked his hand . Needles had no clue what to make of this . Was the dog toying with him in an attempt to play cat and mouse or was this show of affection genuine ? Remembering his doggie etiquette , he gently placed his other hand under the muzzle and began to rub it causing he dog to wag its tail in a fever pitch . After glancing under the dog to find out how to address it he finally said in a shaky haltering voice , " Good boy . " This caused the dog to relax and lay at Needle 's feet . Needles was exhausted and collapsed at the dog 's side where they both lay for some time . Needles , feeling rested and assured that the thugs weren 't coming back , got up and dusted himself off . He glanced down at the dog and said , " Thanks . Thanks a lot . I don 't know where you came from or why you did what you did but I 'm glad you did . " He was worried about Jimmy . In all the excitement he hadn 't noticed which direction he took off in . Oh well , he 'd go home and try to call him later . He began to walk towards the path that took him home when he felt his pant leg being tugged . He looked down and saw the dog pulling him . " What you want boy ? I 've got to go home . " The dog started barking frantically and running in the opposite direction only to come back and start over again . He did it several times until Needles finally figured that it wanted him to follow . It was leading in the direction of Petri 's farm . They walked along a path that Needles always avoided because it edged the farm itself and lead to a part of the woods he 'd never been before . The dog would run ahead only to return to check that Needles was still following and would playfully speed around him in tight circles barking and wagging and enjoying the company . It was starting to get dark and Needles contemplated whether to go on or not because they were entering a part of the woods that he was unfamiliar with . He realized that he was not needed by his parents and they wouldn 't notice he was gone anyway so he continued on . They had been walking for about an hour when Needles spotted a small dilapidated cabin ahead . He 's sure he never saw it before . The windows were covered with a dark paper which he learned later was dirt . Alongside the cabin was a barn like structure that was connected by a short breezeway . They were about twenty feet from the front door when it slowly opened . They were greeted by a tall thin older man with long grey hair and wearing a dark t - shirt and jeans covered by a leather bib apron . The man smiled at me and offered his hand . " The name 's Ed . Thanks for bringing my dog home . Always running off and bringing strays home . Why don 't ya come in a rest a bit , have something to drink . I was just preparing supper . " Needles took his hand a shook it for a short while , withdrawing it in a suspicious manner . When they entered the cabin Needles noticed a strange smell which was vaguely familiar but he couldn 't quite place it . The furniture was simple . He could tell that it was made by hand ; very rustic . To his right he noticed the kitchen with a large table surrounded by several chairs . He also noticed the door which leads to the breezeway and the loud humming noise coming from the building on the other side . He sat in one of the chairs at the table and the dog followed and lay at his feet . Ed walked to an old fashioned refrigerator and opening the door removing a large ceramic jug . " Let me get you some of my homemade apple cider . You 'll love it . " He took a glass from the cupboard and placed it in front of Needles and poured . The liquid was dark and frothy . Needles took a small sip . He agreed . It was delicious and drank the rest in one long pull . " What 's that noise coming from the garage ? " he asked in a matter of fact way . " Oh , that 's not a garage . I stock my own meat . It 's a cold box . " Needles thought that odd but let it go . " What 's to eat ? " Ed walked over to the stove and looked into a large pot . " Hope you like stew . It 's an old recipe and after you taste it you 'll agree that it is the best you ever tasted . Hey , why don 't you come over to the couch and rest a bit while I get supper together ? " He led Needles to the couch and returned to the stove . The dog followed him over and lay on the floor next to him . " What 's the dog 's name ? " he asked while petting its head . Ed looked at the dog with a wry smile and said , " Piper , like the Piped Piper of Hamlin . " Needles thought that an odd name and anyway he thought it was the Pied Piper of Hamlin . Oh well , doesn 't matter . Needles laid back on the couch . Suddenly he felt very sleepy . He thought he would close his eyes a bit and rest before eating . He woke up and noticed it was freezing . He wanted to get up and close a door or something . He felt a little disoriented and his head hurt . When he attempted to get up he found he couldn 't . His arms and legs and head were strapped to a stainless steel table . He started to panic but as hard as he tried he couldn 't budge . All he could see was the stainless steel ceiling of the room he was in . He smelled the odor that he noticed when he first entered Ed 's cabin and in horror recognized it ; it was the smell of blood . He then heard a click which turned on a loud machine . The sound was familiar . It was like the sound of the band saw that was in the wood shop class at school . His heart froze and he screamed but nothing came out . " Good boy Piper . " Ed said to the dog while sharpening a long butcher 's knife on a steel . " This is a big one . Extra portions for you this time . " Things that go Beep and Chirp in the Night Posted on March 1 , 2012 by Pappy I 'm sitting forward in my chair so I can rest my hand on top of Ma 's wondering if she is aware of this simple touch . There is a tube coming out of her hand ; there are tubes coming out of everywhere . She is hooked to respiratory equipment with two large tubes going into her mouth helping her to breathe . It 's life support and she needs it now . She is asleep but not of her volition she is being sedated until her pneumonia clears . The room is lit only by the various monitoring screens charting her vital signs . I 'm feeling sadness . She would be scared if she woke now and I can feel this fear when I look into her fragile face and hear it in all the beeps and chirps of the machines . As I sit looking and rubbing her hand and taking it all in my heart aches . She has been sick for a long time now and I 've been a creep . This lament is overwhelming now and causes me to reflect . I 've known Ma since I was fifteen when I first starting dating Patty yet I don 't really know her . I didn 't try to . When Patty 's dad died Ma came to stay with us and has been ever since ; for over twenty years . She got her own place when we came to Florida but has been more or less dependent on Patty for everything . This is where the creep came in . I started resenting her for all the time she took away from me and Patty and it showed . All my sons picked up on it . It wasn 't the time she was taking away that they were aware of , it was the fact that I resented it and they took it as permission to resent her too . I felt no empathy when she became sick and now as I look at this poor frightened woman I am ashamed of myself . Like the Grinch my heart is growing and I realize that I do love her … she is Ma . She has been more of a mother to me than my own mother and I turned my back on her . You say hello … I say goodbye Posted on February 19 , 2012 by Pappy Hello , I recently watched an interview with an author who is an American mother living in France talking about raising children and comparing the French way to the American way . It was the usual TV blah , blah , blah , type of interview where the interviewer is machine gunning questions while looking at her notes not listening to the answer but waiting for a break in the word flow to fire off the next question , however the author was undaunted and made some very interesting points that caught my attention . She made reference to the two words we must teach children , please and thank you which everyone knows but she mentioned two other words to teach , hello and goodbye and that by addressing all adults with a hello and goodbye children are acknowledging the fact that they are living among others . It is so easy to be narcissistic , to keep to ourselves ; it is a common human trait . We have all seen how children seem to think only of themselves at times ; only what they need . Let me tell you something ; it gets just as bad when you get older . In my second half of life I find myself dragging all my heavy , overloaded baggage filled with bias and judgment with me . I can be very narcissistic , believe me . I don 't know if I agree with all that was said but as a grandparent it gave me pause . Hello and goodbye , as simple as that . When I think of the French and even the Italians I think of what I see in the movies or read in books . Bonjour … au revior , boun giorno … ciao . Always a greeting and goodbye . We do live among others . My son and his wife have taught that to Myles and it is a pleasure to see him say hello and goodbye . He is a typical boy in many ways . He can be stubborn and rude at times with me which is normal but overall he is polite and quick with a hello and goodbye especially in public . He makes me smile . Toys Toys Toys Posted on February 11 , 2012 by Pappy Some of my most difficult decisions of late concerns what toys to buy my grandson Myles . There are so many to choose from . Go into any toy store or toy department and start walking up and down the aisles and you 'll see what I mean . It can be overwhelming . Being retired I get to shop during the week and on those days the stores are full of grandfathers milling about this sea of toys with the look of wonder and excitement on their faces . We offer each other friendly advice but still the decision can be difficult . I try to stay away from the McToys . You know , the ones based on the latest movie their showing in the cement bunker at the end of the mall ; not much imagination goes into those . One thing I learned is not to buy on impulse . The toy may look like just the thing Myles would love only to have him put it down after only minutes of playing then eventually moved to the never play with again drawer in the toy cabinet . My favorites are the ones that engage his mind . These could be hit or miss ; a bit chancy like the science kit I got him for Christmas . It looked great and was fun for a while but the experiments were limited and too simple but it did open him to the idea of science . I like when he takes the toy to where he wants it to go . One of the experiments was making fake snow . It worked well but in the end we were left with a bunch of fake snow … so what . He got some of his superheroes and began playing a snow adventure game . It was fun . One toy , called Perplexus , was a great hit . A plastic ball with a maze enclosed and the object is to get the metal ball through the track , which has many dips and turns , to the end . Not as easy as it sounds . He loves it and so do Mom and Dad . I remember all the toys and gifts that my sons received through the years and how each boy 's personality was different . On birthdays and Christmas my wife and I would take great care about what to get . But it was the sharing of us that was important . To sit and play . My wife Patty was terrific at this . Me , not so much . I didn 't ignore them by any means but I think I could have done better with my time with each of them especially as individuals ; I feel that I handled them collectively . The years of playtime go so fast and then their gone . Often times I wish I could go back and do it over but those years are gone . When it comes to my grandson Myles and my granddaughter Rinoa My sons Dylan and Luke seem to realize this and it makes me glad . As I enter my second half of life I found that it isn 't necessarily the toy that is important ; it 's who he 's playing with . It could be a plain stick but if we 're playing together and use our imaginations it 's the best game in the world . It 's the time spent with each other . I 'm truly blessed to have this time with Myles and am the envy of many of my friends who wish they could be with their grandchildren . Story Time Posted on February 6 , 2012 by Pappy One of the things I enjoy doing is telling stories to Myles . Before his nap he asks me to tell him a Halloween story . He means scary . I come up with some good ones . When I 'm done I ask him if he liked it . He is honest and blunt . I like writing them at times too . Here is one for everyone . I hope you enjoy it . I wasn 't too happy about going to My Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony 's house that day . In fact I dreaded it . Normally I 'd be thrilled going somewhere with Dad even if it meant that my whiny six year old sister Megan had to come but I knew how Mom felt about these visits to her sister 's house . There was no way out of it . A twelve year old boy could not stay home alone . I liked Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony , even though he tried too hard to be one of the boys . It was my cousin Tom I didn 't care about . Not Tommy or even Thomas and especially not Tommy boy but Tom , plain Tom . He is twelve like me but we had nothing in common at all . I remember the day it became plain Tom . Everyone was over our house for my sister Megan 's birthday party . I spent most of the time avoiding some of her friends who would sit by me and giggle at everything I did or said . Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony were beaming about their Tommy boy 's drawings and asked him to show some . I 've seen them before and I thought they were creepy . It was Tommy boy this and Tommy boy that until Tom said , It was not that he said it but how he said it ; in a still quiet voice with this stupid stare . Well , no one knew what to say . I think Aunt Ellen was embarrassed . She tried to ease the situation some with a hard pressed smile on her face . " Now Thomas , what has come over you ? " He stared at her for a long time and said , " Please , call me Tom . " He then turned his head slowly without his eyes leaving his mother and when his head had turned to where it faced his dad , only then did his eyes slowly turn and look at him and said , " Tom . " He did the same to me . Turning his head without losing eye contact with Uncle Tony and it wasn 't until he had turned in my direction that his eyes met mine and said softly with a slight smile , " Tom . " He got up slowly and left the room . Wow , weird wasn 't it ? Ever since then everybody said they noticed a change in Tom ; I didn 't . He was always creepy to me only now everyone else saw it . I don 't know why my dad insisted on driving over there . We lived only a short bike ride away . I had a feeling it was to make a quick getaway if they needed to because it got real strange ever since Tommy became Tom . When we arrived my aunt and uncle were outside on the porch waiting for us . We said our hellos and did our hugs , which I didn 't care for . They didn 't say anything for a moment then Uncle Tony turned and looked into the house through the front window for quite awhile and turned back to us and whispered , " I don 't want Tommy … eh Tom to hear us . Things have gotten different here lately , I mean with Tommy … Tom , I 'm sorry , I can 't get used to that stupid name . " My mom kinda smiled at Aunt Ellen trying to ease the tension . My uncle continued . " He doesn 't talk much anymore . Doesn 't participate in school or see any of his friends . He just sits in the spare room drawing . I hear him talking softly to himself in there and when I ask him about it he smiles and shrugs his shoulders and walks away . We wanted to give you a heads - up because we 're sure you 'll notice the change . Oh yeah , he 's lost some weight . " I felt my sister Megan 's hand slowly slip into mine . She looked a little scared , then we went inside that 's when I heard my Mom gasp . Jeez , Tommy … Tom looked bad . The hair on my arms rose up and I got this tight feeling in my stomach . He looked terrible . He didn 't just lose weight ; he was disappearing into his clothes , anyway that 's the way it looked . Megan was squeezing my hand so hard it was starting to hurt . I pulled my hand away and looked at her to tell her to stop but when I saw the look in her eyes I took her hand again . Tom said hello in a whispery kind of voice . I thought he was putting it on . He looked at us one at a time with eyes that seemed older than a boy of twelve . His face was very white yet dark at the same time . His lips were dry , even cracked especially when he tried to smile . The smile looked like it hurt . He slowly ran his hand through his hair gripping handfuls of it then releasing it like he was attempting to hold back thoughts . He looked intently at Megan and walked over to her . His walk was jerky , it seemed he had to force his legs to move , and he clumped his feet on the floor loudly . " Hello Megan , we 're glad you came , would like to look at my drawings ? " Megan wrapped her arms around my waist and looked at me pleadingly not to let her go . My dad was standing by a table holding pages of drawing paper and said , " Tommy boy , are these your drawings ? " Tom continued to look at Megan then faced my father in his creepy way of turning and replied , " Please , Mr . Davies , I asked to be called Tom . " Dad grinned and jokingly said , " Tom , Tommy , Tommy Tom Tom Tum , whatever , did you draw these ? " Tom clumped over to the table and snatched up the papers and grabbed the ones from My dad 's hand and shuffled off saying he was going to his room . My Dad looked at everyone rolling his eyes . After a while we all sat down to eat . All except Tom . He was still in the his room . This was not his bedroom but a spare room that my aunt and uncle used for storage and now Tom called it his room . I was feeling guilty about not playing with Tom so after we ate I decided to see what was so special about his drawings . Megan came with me because she decided not to leave my side for anything . I knocked on the door a few times but got no answer but when I started to walk away I heard Tom say , " Come in Megan . " Tom was sitting at a small wooden table in a plain wooden chair ; the kind you see at an old library . It was the only furniture in the room . The far wall opposite where he was sitting had a large window that faced him . There were some boxes stacked to my right near the door and some mops and brooms and buckets with old rags inside of them . The walls were painted two colors , yellow on the bottom separated by a wooden chair rail then white above that . The only other feature that stood out was a dark shadow in one corner . The shadow made no sense . It shouldn 't have been there ; I mean the room was well lit because of the sun shining through the window but there it was . Tom beckoned us to the table . When we stood next to him he got up and offered the chair to Megan . We began to look at the drawings . They were pencil drawings and quite good . There were pictures of trains at train stations and children playing in playgrounds . There were some of dogs playing with sticks in unknown yards with unknown children . Pictures of people waiting in lines ; lines at movie theaters and supermarkets . I looked up to ask Megan what she thought but she was standing with Tom near the window . I looked at the drawings again and I noticed something in every one . There was always a wall with a shadow in the corner . I looked at the shadows closely and it had something odd around the edges . It appeared to be long black boney fingers with long thin nails . Towards the top of the shadow there was something like long pointy teeth . One drawing made me jump because I saw a pair of large eyes . It was very faint but they were eyes . I wanted to ask Tom what the shadows meant but he was no longer in the room and neither was Megan . The door was still closed . I didn 't hear them leave . When I returned to the family room I expected to find Tom and Megan but they were not there . I looked in every room calling out for Megan but could not find them and got no response . I went outside in the yard and walked around the house several times . They were nowhere to be found . I returned to the house and told everyone about it . My dad said that they 'd show up eventually . The day ended and it was almost dark and we still could not find them . I returned to the room with a flashlight and found a small lamp on the floor next to the box of rags . I turned it on . No one was there but the shadow was . I walked to it and shined the light of my flashlight into it . It just soaked it up . The light beam didn 't penetrate it . It scared the crap out of me . I turned to leave when my heart turned stone cold . Very faintly I saw the eyes I had seen in the drawing and not only that but a smile with long pointy teeth . I ran from the room looking for anyone and everyone to witness what I 'd seen . We all entered the room . My mother and father , Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony and together shined our lights around the room . I directed them all to the corner where the shadow was … it was gone . It 's been twenty years since that day . We never found my sister or Tom . The police were called that night and a search went on for weeks but they were gone without a trace . Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tony suffered a great deal over the disappearance of Tom and divorced some years later . Mom and Dad were at a loss too . Mom went so far as to consult psychics but that didn 't go anywhere . She stopped seeing her sister completely trying to put the blame somewhere . Dad , well let 's say he handled it his own way at the bottom of a whiskey bottle . I never stopped blaming myself for taking my eyes off Megan that day . I did the best I could to go on . Finished school and went off to college never to return home . I feel Mom and Dad blame me but the weird thing is I kind of know what happened even though the reality is hard to grasp . I was leaving a store one morning on my way to work waiting for a light to change so I could cross the street when I spotted a strange man dressed in a black raincoat in a doorway of a building across the street . He had his back to me but still something familiar struck me when he slowly turned his head in a manner that caused my bones to chill . His face was strikingly white yet dark . He looked at me and smiled sardonically and began to shuffle off clumping his feet as he walked . He approached a small woman who placed her hand in his and they both continued walking toward the doorway together . I dropped everything I was holding and ran across the street disregarding the traffic and dodging the cars that were slamming on their brakes and honking frantically . As I got to the doorway all I found was a long dark shadow . I looked into it and saw those eyes I saw years ago in the room where Tom and Megan disappeared . I also saw another set of eyes . They were sad and pleading then the shadow dissipated . Where 's the sandlot Posted on February 2 , 2012 by Pappy I grew up loving the game of baseball . Living only four blocks from Yankee Stadium I saw a lot of baseball played by great baseball players . My favorite Yankee was Mickey Mantle . What a great baseball name , kind of like Roy Hobbs of the Natural movie . Back in the 1950 's the bleacher seats cost only twenty - five cents but growing up in the South Bronx usually meant poor . No one had twenty - five cents . My friends and I would get the quarter by rounding up quart beer bottles from garbage cans in the alleys of bars along Third Ave and empty them of the roaches which were the size of Buicks and turn them over to local stores for the nickel deposit . Certain Sundays were designated Fathers day and their kids got in free so we would walk in next to a man , any man and act natural like we were his kid … it worked every time . When inside the stadium we 'd watch the game for a while but we 'd get hungry and we would run around snatching food from the vendors when they weren 't looking but when the man on the PA would announce , Now coming to the plate number 7 , Mickey Mantle . Everyone would stop and watch hoping for that loud crack of the bat associated with one of his long balls . He hit some monumental home runs . As I got older I learned about the Mick and his personal problems but as a kid growing up I was not exposed to any of that … it was the player not the man we cared about . Professional baseball has changed since then . People don 't follow the game like they used to . I 'm not going to get into the philosophy or the reasons why except to say the word Lawyers . Teams were just that … teams . Young players came up the ranks through a minor league farm system associated with that team and if they made the cut they would advance to the pros and usually stayed with that team for most of their careers . When I lived in New Jersey my friends and I played a lot of baseball . We did the organized route through little league , Babe Ruth League , and high school but the love of the game came on those hot summer days on a crummy field with baseballs that had the covers pounded off them and then wrapped in black electrical tape and bats which were too big or too small . I remember one of our bats being a fungo bat . You really learn the game when you come to bat fifty times a day . We didn 't wait for balls or strikes , just a decent pitch to put the ball into play . We would break after a few games and pool our loose change together and some of the guys would make a snack run to Leuchaus ' corner store to buy half - gallon size soda and Ring Dings then we would duke up new sides and play until it got too dark to see the ball . Since I 've gotten older I miss playing baseball the most . I 've played on some of the softball leagues for older guys but the intensity is not the same . I tire easily and Jeez , my body aches long after the games are done . All my sons tried baseball for a while and I enjoyed watching them play . My second born , Dylan , loved the game as I did and had his heroes too like Steve Garvey who played for the Dodgers . Dylan played many sports through high school like basketball and football and played them well . Ah , but baseball was his best . I thought so anyway and he was a pure joy to watch . He had a fluid , fast , swing like Vaughn Hayes of the Phillies or Darryl Strawberryof the Mets . If anyone is familiar with them you know what I mean . Dylan was tall and lanky and chose to pursue basketball and football in high school and was very good at them and I attended every game I could … but god I loved watching him play baseball . My grandson Myles already shows a lot of dexterity and he appears to be getting his Dad 's height . Hey … who knows the next Mantle might be amongst us . Even if he isn 't I 'll love to watch anything he chooses to do … yes even ballet . Lets play a game Posted on January 28 , 2012 by Pappy Myles loves to play … . all the time . The title of this blog is Second Half which , in case it wasn 't obvious , means I 'm getting older and at times I find it hard to tap into my childishness . Don 't get me wrong , I have been known to be childish and it wasn 't very pretty but the childishness I mean is playing in a child 's world of make believe . I would think of my sons growing up and some of the games we 'd play . I was good at physical games especially if a ball was involved . Patty , my wife who has the patience of a saint , would play the board games and the imaginary ones for hours . Two years ago I injured my back and it is hard to play the physical ones now . One TV show that my sons watched was Mr . Roger 's Neighborhood . I found the show strange at times but when I sat down and really watched it , I would smile . His make believe seemed silly but it was easy to see why kids loved his land of make believe . His show was simple and made sense to them . He exhibited honesty and love without trying because that is who he was . I needed to become Mr . Rogers . Myles brings back my childishness with the different games he plays . He so easily draws me into his make believe world in that simple way expecting me to understand the game without question and I enjoy it but I do not have his make believe game stamina . Where he can go on for hours I have long ago run out of make believe steam but I keep on plugging away and I found that my childish imagination is still intact and I am getting better at it . I went back and reread some of the stories and books I enjoyed when I was young and realized they were written by adult authors who found it easy to tap into childishness . I now have a new excitement when I read them to Myles and play all the different make believe games with him . I do wish I could be more physical but I like being Mr . Rogers . Eventually the games will turn physical . One of his favorite is chasing game that involves a lot of running . My mind says go , go , go but my body says no , no , no . The amazing thing is he senses when I 'm tired and will stop and ask me to read him a book or watch a video . I smile because I know what he 's doing . He 's looking out for Pappy . Now , that is a good friend . |
I know , you 're asking " so what 's the big decision " ? Well , I have struggled with the way I was planning on ending The Saukarian Children ( that 's the sci - fi story ) . This was always intended to be a one book thing . That was it . Write it … and move one . The only problem ? I don 't think I can . I have fallen in love with the characters , but at the same time I don 't think a happy ending is coming their way . Don 't get me wrong , the three MCs are the heroes of the story and they will get the credit they deserve . But I can 't just leave it at that . Along those lines , I am changing how the story is going to end . I still have 5 chapters to go , and the way I had intended for it to end when I sat down four months ago , has been scrapped . Without giving too much away , I just don 't think the human race would ever accept the Saukarian Children for what they are . There would naturally be some form of prejudice and hatred coming their way and I think it just makes sense . Then again , it also leaves it open for me to write additional stories down the road 🙂 which is never a bad thing . Anyway , the story hasn 't even been released yet , but I know there will be some hatred coming my way for the ending and I just wanted to explain myself ahead of time to calm the storm . Not everything can end like a fairy tale , and I think this just makes more sense . If you hate the ending , blame me for falling in love with my characters , and for not wanting to give the final farewell . Writing Update It has been a while since I posted , and I figured it would be a good idea to post an update . I initially planned to take a week or two off during the Holidays to unwind and enjoy my family ( immediate and extended ) . We got a bit of a surprise when a couple days after Christmas , my wife 's grandma passed away unexpectedly . I took some extra time to support my wife and her family during this difficult time , and haven 't written as much as I expected lately . Only complicating matters , as am I writing this I 'm expecting a message any time now that my grandfather has passed away . He has somehow survived for four days without his feeding tube and IV , but it 's only a matter of time ( he always was stubborn ) . He has accepted it and is at peace with it , but that doesn 't make it any easier for the rest of us though . Needless to say , it has been a crappy end of 2015 / start of 2016 so far . I don 't expect to do much writing in the next week , but you never know . It hasn 't been all bad , though . I released Book 1 in The Keepers of the Orbs series , The Rising Past on December 1st , and I broke all of my previous records for single day downloads during a free giveaway . Let 's hope it leads to some additional sales . I 'm currently waiting on four reviewers to give me their feedback ( in process ) , but the first few I have received have all been positive . The most recent came in today and can be found HERE . My editor is currently done with 50 % of her final review of another fantasy novel that is unrelated to my series . The title I 'm working with is Elves of a Sugar Maple . I am excited by this story . It was originally an idea from my wife about a species of tiny beings who call a giant tree in our backyard home . I took the idea and ran with it . I incorporated many of the issues our society is currently facing ( race , religion , sexual orientation , etc ) and I 'm quite satisfied with how it all came out . I should have it available mid - spring . I 'm also writing a serialized novel for Channillo . com . It is a Sci - Fi story and is an idea I have had for several years now . I 'm releasing a chapter a week on Channillo . Currently there are 9 chapters available to read . I plan on making the full novel available on Amazon this summer . If you have a subscription through Channillo , you can access the story HERE . The End is Near ( Part 2 ) There is one more section left that will wrap up the story . I will post that in a day or two . Until then , here is the second part of The End is Near . Roger cautiously followed him and was greeted with rows and rows of chambers . There had to be thousands of them . " What are these ? " He was afraid to ask , but he had to know . " Eggs . These are all incubation chambers and are the source of the problem . If our mission fails , at least we can be confident that none of these eggs will ever hatch . Just think of how many lives can be saved by destroying them right here , right now . " Roger shook his head . He was right , he didn 't want to know . Mike set the duffle bag on the ground . He had seven of the incendiary devices left . He struck a match and lit the first one , before throwing it at the first chamber . It exploded and sent fluid over several of the other organic chambers , lighting them on fire . Smiling in satisfaction he grabbed another one and tossed it . And then another . Suddenly an alarm blared throughout the room . Mike knew if any of the creatures were in the ship they would now be on their way . He handed two of the glass bottles to Roger and took the other two for himself , lighting them as well . He directed Roger where he wanted him to throw them , and then threw his own . " Let 's get out of here . " They stormed out of the chamber and ran back to the stairs . They climbed four levels and could hear the creatures running behind them . Mike directed Roger down the corridor . He turned and shot two of the creatures as they rounded the corner , before catching back up with Roger at the end of the corridor next to a set of double doors . They heard yelling in an unknown language from down the hall . The both leveled their guns , ready to shoot . The grumblings and yelling grew louder as two of the creatures rounded the corner , followed by two more . Luckily the narrow corridor only allowed two of them to fit two side - by - side . Mike aimed for the left and Roger to the right . The creatures in the front fell and were trampled by the next two as they continued their march , only to be taken down as well . They could hear more creatures coming . " Roger , I couldn 't have done this without you . " He turned and looked at the double doors . " The control room is in there . I need five or six minutes . " Roger took the guns and handed him one of the Glocks . Mike knew there were only a couple of shots left in it , but hopefully Mike wouldn 't need it . " Just go . Quite wasting time . I can 't die at the hands of one of those things . " He grabbed Mike 's arm . " Promise me this will work , and that I won 't die from them . Promise me ! " He walked over to one of the panels and sat down . He heard gunshots from outside . Sweat dripped down his face and he blinked his eyes to focus on the controls . He started entering commands . It all came down to his fifteen years of study and training . He knew these controls better than anyone else on his team . He typed in the final command and watched the screen blink . He sat back and sighed as the blinking on the screen increased . He may have caused this problem , but now he it would be over . More shots rang out as his thoughts drifted to his family . His sweet innocent family . He was still shocked any of this had happened . Suddenly the control panel started a series of beeps . He sat forward in his chair . I have done it . I am coming home . I love you . He closed his eyes as an explosion ripped through the ship . He felt a blast of heat that instantly burned the flesh from his bones , before everything went white . The last half mile of the walk had been uneventful . He started to regret bringing Roger with him as everything had been so easy . Although they couldn 't see it in the limited light , Mike knew the hangar sat only a couple hundred feet further . They rounded a corner and put the light on the hangar doors . Curiously , Mike noticed the doors were closed , which wasn 't the way he had left them . He wished there were windows in the door so he could see what was going on inside , but alas there wasn 't . " It will take both of us to move these doors . Be ready , anything could be lurking inside . " He motioned for him to take the left door and he applied all of his weight and force on the right . The doors slowly slid open , and they kept pushing with all of their might until they opened wide enough for them to walk through . They could hear clamoring on the other side . Mike brought his flashlight up and focused it inside . Three of the creatures were bearing down on them . Roger could see them in detail for the first time . They had large beady black eyes , large mouths that displayed teeth that could cut through bone , and where there should have been hands they had large razor sharp claws . A green liquid dripped from their fangs . Mike reached for his gun and began firing . They were quick , damn quick , which made it difficult for him to aim . At this point they would be sitting ducks . He ordered Roger to back up . " Get back and begin firing when they try to breach the doors . " He yelled . Mike kept firing while Roger backed up and got into position . Roger backed up and gave himself room to shoot . He started taking shots as the creatures tried to squeeze through the door . He aimed for the head and was amazed when he had to put multiple shots into the first creature before it fell to the ground , screaming in agony . He noticed Mike digging in the duffle bag as he ran back to join him . Three of the creatures were now at the door , fighting with one another as they tried to make their way through . Mike reached Roger 's side and he had a glass bottle in his hand with a rag sticking out the top . " Keep firing . Do NOT let them through ! " He struck a match on the concrete floor and lit the rag in the bottle . The rag must have been soaked in a flammable material because it immediately went up in a flash of flame . With the rag lit , Mike threw the glass bottle at the creatures . It collided on the steel doors and shattered , sending flaming liquid at the creatures . They screamed in agony as they ran and tried to put it out , taking them back into the hangar and out sight . Mike walked back toward the doors with his gun drawn and flashlight aimed in front of him . He heard the cries of the creatures die down and stop all together . He waited by the doors and listened . After a few moments of silence he aimed the flashlight inside the hangar ; not that he could see much in the limited light the flashlight provided . Still nothing moved from what he could see or hear , so he walked inside motioning Roger to join him . Roger looked amazed when he walked through the doors . Again he couldn 't see much , but he could tell by the lack of visible walls in the beam of light that the room was rather large . It 's not that it 's large , it 's enormous , he thought . This had to be the largest room he had ever seen . Mike turned back and looked at him . " Follow me , and stay close . " He ordered him . He made his way rather easily though the dark and Roger stayed on his heels . They rounded the corner of what Roger assumed was another room in the building and were greeted by a door with an electrical panel to the left . Mike hit a series of buttons , and the pad illuminated . Roger looked surprised to see the pad had power ; he thought the whole city was dark . After a few more buttons , the door hissed and slowly lowered to the ground creating a ramp into the room . The light from inside the room blinding Roger who had to shield his eyes . Once their eyes adjusted , Mike walked inside , turning the corners with his gun first . Roger quickly followed him . The room looked like nothing he had ever seen before ; almost alien . The walls weren 't all metal . Parts of the interior even looked organic , as if it were alive . It was all rather unsettling . Mike waited and listened , before turning to Roger . " Well , we made it inside . I 'll cover our front , you watch our rear . I am not sure what we might encounter , so stay close and only shoot when you have a clear shot . We don 't have much ammunition left . " Mike grabbed another Molotov cocktail and carried it in his left hand , before leading the way . Roger started to relax after ten minutes of complete silence , except for the clamor of their feet on the metal floor . He decided what he thought was a room , was in fact a ship . A ship that was not human made . At least it did not resemble anything he was accustomed to . Mike led the way down a staircase and they went down one level . He led them through corridor after corridor , before stopping at a set of doors . " This is the riskiest part of what we have to do . " He entered a code into the door and led the way after it slid open . Roger couldn 't believe what he was hearing . The news was disturbing , and almost far - fetched enough to be made up . But given the sincerity and tone of Mike , he knew it had to be true . " I know , Roger . Believe me when I say I have thought of nothing else for the past twenty four hours . This is the only way to preserve mankind and hopefully undo any damage I may have already caused . " " Nothing can be done for them ; it 's already too late . And don 't forget this has affected me just as much as it has affected the millions who have already been impacted , or will be impacted . I lost my entire family . " Tears welled up in the corners of his eyes , ready to roll down his face and cheek . " My children and wife died at the hands of these barbarians , all because of a mistake I made . It 's nauseating and I cannot live with myself . " Roger put his head between his legs and took a deep breath . " How far away would I need to be to survive ? I mean , do I even have a chance ? " " I don 't know , Roger . We have never dealt with anything like this . But if my calculations are accurate , you would need to be as far east as Nebraska , and as far west as Nevada or California . There just isn 't time for you to get that far away . If you can 't get away , hopefully the rest of them cannot either . " Roger shook his head ; his face turned a deep shade of white . He looked like he would be sick . " I guess I really don 't have a choice , do I ? I can sit back and wait to die , or get off my ass and actually do something to help stop this before it spreads . " " I 'm sorry to lay all of this on you , Roger . I know it can 't be easy to hear , nor to deal with . But I know this will work . It has to work . " He paused while he considered his next words . " I would really enjoy having someone with me . " Mike nodded as he rose to his feet . " I appreciate this , Roger . You will never know . But we have the opportunity to save humanity , and to me that makes it all worthwhile . " He walked outside . " Which car is yours ? " Mike shook his head . Of course it would be a piece of crap . " Well that piece of crap isn 't going to work . We 'll have to take one of the other ones , and I 'm afraid it isn 't going to be appetizing . " Mike spotted a pickup truck parked at one of the pumps and walked over to it . The door stood ajar as he approached the truck . He peeked his head inside as Roger ran up behind him . The driver 's seat was empty , but a corpse sat in the passenger seat . The stench was overwhelming . He ran to the passenger door , but it was locked . " Roger , hit the switch to unlock the doors . " Roger hit the toggle switch , before peering into the vehicle . He spotted the dead body in the seat and quickly vomited , releasing everything in his stomach . Although he had seen bodies littering the ground during the day , he wasn 't prepared for the close - up , gruesome sights and smells . Mike pulled the corpse from the passenger seat of the truck . It hit the ground with a disturbing sound . The arm he yanked on separated from the body . He was surprised how quickly the bodies were decomposing . He knelt down to examine the corpse more closely with his flashlight , and spotted a green liquid surrounding a wound to the arm . He didn 't know what it was and shrugged it off , returning his focus to the task at hand . He walked back over to the driver 's side of the truck and told Roger to get in . He threw the duffle bag onto the middle of the bench seat . He reached the ignition to start the truck , but the keys were not there . " Damnit ! " " The keys aren 't here . We 're not going anywhere without them . " Mike looked around the cab of the truck and spotted a purse lying on the floor in front of the passenger seat . " Toss me that purse . " Roger threw the purse to Mike and began to climb in . The seat was filled with blood and feces left behind by the corpse that previously occupied the space . He wanted to throw up again , but was able to keep it down . While Mike dug through the purse to find keys , Roger ran to his own car and grabbed a couple of t - shirts from his backpack in the trunk . He ran back to the truck and heard it roar to life ; Mike must have found they keys . He wiped down the seat with one of the t - shirts , using water from one of the bottles they grabbed from the store . Before sitting down on the seat , he laid down the other t - shirt while Mike urged him to pick up the pace . He knew he shouldn 't care , but he couldn 't bring himself to sit in another person 's waste if he didn 't have to . " Easy for you to say . You 're not sitting in a seat once occupied by a dead person . " Mike 's jaw fell open . " What ? What 's wrong ? " Mike frantically dug into the duffle bag and pulled out one of the Glocks . " Have you ever shot a gun before ? " He handed him the weapon . " Because you are about to come face to face with one of the creatures . " " Of course . Growing up , I hunted with my father . " He finally understood what Mike was referring to . He fearfully turned his head and looked out the window . He couldn 't see the creature , but he spotted movement in the field to the north . Whatever it was , it moved quickly . Mike slammed the truck in reverse and angled it toward the oncoming creature . It was running directly toward them ; moving at a speed faster than a moving car . Roger jumped out of the truck and dropped to a knee . He thumbed the safety , and steadied the gun and tried to control his breathing . He could here his father in the back of his head , barking orders at him on how to shoot , but he knew he didn 't have much time . With the creature in his sights , he took a deep breath and held it , before squeezing the trigger . He missed the creature who bared down on them . Upset with himself , he lined up another shot , calmed his nerves through several deep breaths , held his breath , and squeezed the trigger again . The shot was true and hit the roaring creature above its left eye , or what Roger thought resembled an eye . The creature had slowed its approach , but still wasn 't dead . Roger repeated the exercise and put a second shot through its head . The creature wasn 't like anything he had ever seen before . The skin was a deep , murky green color and I was shiny , as if it were wet . The eyes were large and black , in the shape of an oval , with no whites surrounding the pupil ; just pure and utter blackness . Sharp pointy fangs took the place of normal teeth , and a green fluid slowly flowed out if its mouth . Instead of hands , it had long , sharp and serrated fingers that resembled claws . The arms hung down longer than human arms . The creature was definitely not human and had to be from another planet . Roger shook all over . Adrenaline coursed through his body , and he was unable to comprehend what had happened in the previous thirty seconds . " Jesus ! Even after your description of what we are up against … I wasn 't prepared for that . " He dropped the gun on the seat of the truck and began to pace , running his sweaty hands through his thick , dark hair . He took deep breaths and cussed , trying to get himself under control . Mike got out of the truck and yelled to Roger . " Snap out of it , Roger ! We gotta go , man . If there was one out there , more are sure to be around . " Roger kicked the tire of the truck , before getting in . " I don 't know if I can do this . It 's just too intense . " Short Story Continued They sat in silence while they finished smoking . A blue haze filled the room , and definitely didn 't smell good . The skunky aroma of the marijuana , mixed with the stench of the burning tobacco , didn 't make for an appetizing smell . Mike walked over to one of the coolers and pulled out two bottles of water . He walked back over to Roger and tossed him one of the lukewarm bottles . They both drank deeply to ease their burning throats . Mike finished eating , but he knew he was wasting time . His intention was to stop for something to eat and find a new vehicle . One of the items could be checked off his list , but it was time to move on and finish his task . He just felt comforted by the fact people were still alive ; something he thought would be impossible . " Of course I do , man . It 's got a little more than half left in the tank . " He could see that this question made the boy anxious . " Why , man ? " " Well that 's just it . My car is nearly out of gas , and with no power , I have no way to fill it up . I was going to ask you if you could give me a ride to Waterton Canyon , that is if you have nothing else going on ? " Mike chuckled knowing full well that Roger more than likely had nothing else to do . Roger considered the proposition . " Of course , man . But why do you want to go to the canyon ? There 's nothing there . It 's just a recreational area . Unless … you 're going there to escape whatever it is that 's going on here , aren 't you ? I will take you but you have to keep me with you . I don 't want whatever is out there to get me . And we can stock up on provisions right here , man . " Roger started grabbing as much as he could carry from the shelves . " It 's not exactly that , Roger . Everything that is happening is kind of my fault . " He could see the anger on Roger 's face . He must have lost a lot of friends and maybe some family members . " I am actually heading southwest of Wateron Canyon . There is a top secret military base hidden deep in the mountains . That is where I need to go . " Mike tried to approach Roger . " Calm down . I said this was my fault , not that I slaughtered all of these people . Now I need to ensure that I put an end to it . I can take one of the cars in the parking lot , but I have come to enjoy your company . Considering I am going to die soon , and more than likely you will too , I figured it might be nice to have some company for our last hours . " Mike pulled out the pack of cigarettes and lit another one , taking a long drag . " I hate to break it to you , Roger , but at this point you are going to die . Not by a gunshot or in a similar manner as those poor innocent souls out there , but by what I have to do when I arrive back at the base . It 's the only way and it has to be done . " " You 're crazy , man . I don 't like the way you 're talking . None of us are going to die . Whatever did this has moved on . " Mike rubbed his hand on his forehead . " You 're not listening , Roger . Look , let me just tell you what happened and what I have to do , and you can consider whether or not you want to help me . Can you agree to that ? " Roger considered what was being asked for a moment . " I suppose I could do that . But I don 't think I will go along with whatever you have in mind . " Mike took another drag . " We will see about that . This all started yesterday when I arrived on base . See my main purpose was to study and understand something . For fifteen years I have been doing this , and I finally thought I had cracked the code . For the last week we put a plan in place , with safety protocols mind you , but we weren 't prepared for what happened … " The station sat dark and appeared empty . He grabbed his flashlight from the duffle bag before making his way inside . He heard a noise from the end of the store and clicked on his flashlight to see . He grabbed his 9mm and reflexively thumbed back the safety . He made a sweep with his flashlight and gun , when a head popped up . " Whoa , whoa , man . What do you think you are doing ? " The stranger threw his arms up in the air , dropping the armful of food he carried . Mike put his gun away . The man was young , in his early twenties , obviously not a threat to him . " I 'm just trying to get food . No different than you . " His eyes scanned the store . He spotted potato chips , and made his way over to the aisle . The stranger eyed him suspiciously . " You should really be careful young man . It 's dangerous out there . I hope you have a weapon . " The young man kept his distance as Mike walked through the store . " I haven 't seen anyone all day , man . How … how did you survive ? " Mike grabbed a bag of pork rinds and a bag of chips . He walked around to the next aisle and grabbed a package of cinnamon rolls . He ripped them open and ate the pastry . " My name is Mike , and it 's a long story . How did you survive ? " " My name 's Roger . " He started to feel more comfortable and stopped keeping his distance . " I was camping outside of Deckers . I returned just before noon and found the city like this . I went back to my apartment and found bodies dismembered everywhere . I was afraid to go in , and quickly left , hiding in a culvert . As the sun set I realized I was hungry and needed to find food . Which brought me here . I have been hiding and eating in here ever since . " His eyes drifted to the ground . " What happened , man ? " Mike finished the rolls before replying . " Again , long story . " He noticed the change in stature of Roger as he realized Mike might have something to do with this terror . " Relax , Roger . In a way , yes this is my fault , but it 's deeper than that . It 's not like I went out and killed all of these people . " He looked at the cash register and his eyes lit up . He quickly walked behind the counter and grabbed a pack of cigarettes . They weren 't even his brand , but he didn 't care . At least they weren 't menthol . He removed the cellophane and pulled out one of the magical death sticks . He smelled it before placing it in his mouth . He patted his coat pocket to find matches , but remembered they were in the duffle bag . He scanned the checkout counter and spotted a display of lighters . He eagerly grabbed one and lit the cigarette . He took a long , deep drag and savored the flavor as the smoke filled his lungs . He exhaled deeply and temporarily forgot his worries . Roger watched as Mike enjoyed his smoke . Mike had given up smoking on a promise he made to his wife many years ago when they found out she was pregnant with their first child . It was a promise he had never broken , but was one he never really cared for . He took another drag . Roger walked through the store and came closer to Mike . " No . I guess not . " He pulled a joint out from behind his ear . " Smoke ' em if you got ' em . " He stuck it in his mouth and lit it . He took a long drag and offered the joint to Mike . He approached the cloverleaf on - ramp of the highway to head west . He slowed his car and crawled to a stop . Two cars blocked the ramp and he couldn 't see a clear way for him to get through . He looked around in all directions to see if he spotted any movement . When he was comfortable it was safe , he got out and ran to one of the cars . He opened the door to the first car and the stench of death , urine , and feces hit him like a ton of bricks . The woman in the driver 's seat - at least he thought it was a woman based on her clothing - had only a stump where her head should be . He pulled her out of the car and let her body slump to the ground with an audible thump . His stomach suddenly churned , and he ran to the side of the road to vomit . Tears streamed down his face , while spit and chunks of partially - digested food clung to his chin . Relieved , he ran back to the car and moved it out of the way . With the path cleared , he got back in his own , and continued on his way . He collided with a car as he made his way through . The damage appeared only cosmetic , though . The sun steadily fell behind the mountains and soon it would be dark . He knew his job would be more difficult once the sun disappeared . Travel was difficult , and he found himself off the road more than on it , but so far the issue at the on - ramp had been a singular event . However , he still barely crawled along at a speed in the mid to upper twenties . It felt painful to Mike , and he didn 't know how long he could handle the kiddie music . Although he thought it better than his own demons trying to overtake the thoughts in his head . He drove onto the shoulder to maneuver around a car a little bit too fast . He hit a patch of muddy ground and lost control . He over - steered when he tried to correct , driving over a corpse lying on the highway , and slamming into the rear of a van . His head went through the door window from the force of the collision and cut his head . The force of the impact knocked him unconscious . He awoke to a painful headache and a broken vehicle . He struggled out of the SUV and walked around to the destroyed front end . He got down on his hands and knees only to find out the radiator had a hole . Fluid leaked everywhere and Mike knew he wouldn 't be able to drive any further . He had to make his way west of Waterton Canyon , and it would be too far to walk . Fortunately , he cars in running condition surrounded him ; the interiors were a different story . He needed an SUV or truck considering the state of the road , and he looked around to find a suitable replacement . He spotted a newe , r black SUV a few cars up , and made his way over to it . It had been lifted with oversized tires , suiting his needs perfectly . He opened the door , surprised to find it empty and the keys still in the ignition . What luck , he thought . He ran back , grabbing his duffle bag from his no longer useful vehicle before commandeering the new SUV . As he expected , it started as soon as he turned the key . Just like that , he was back on the road , not that the highway was any easier to traverse . He liked the new SUV ; it was quite comfortable . He settled in and turned on his high beams to see the road better now that the sun had gone down . It struck him as funny , normally he would never drive with his high beams on like this , but what did it matter now . He only made it about 5 miles in the hour that ensued . The crowded roads and pitch blackness of night made it more difficult to drive , and he paid the price . He caught a yellow flashing light next to his speedometer ; it was the low fuel light . In his haste to be back on his way , he neglected to check the fuel gauge before he embarked . Out of frustration , he pounded his fist on the dashboard . What were the odds he would pick one a car with low fuel . Now he would have to find another one . His stomach started to growl , a reminder he needed to eat . He hadn 't had a thing since last night and his stomach reminded him of his hunger . He decided to take the next exit and find a gas station . Without power , he wouldn 't be able to get any gas , but he hoped he could grab some food and find another car in the parking lot . Mike tried to stay focused on the road , looking far in advance of his current position to make adjustments in time ; although never able to get his speed above twenty - five . It was eerie how empty the town looked and felt . Everywhere he looked there were cars , but it like time had frozen . Nothing moved . There wasn 't even a breeze strong enough to move tree branches , or blow trash across the road . He looked over at an empty field that would normally be filled with a colony of prairie dogs , but now sat motionless . It sent a shiver up his spine . The silence grated on his nerves . He instinctively reached and turned on the radio to liven up the mood in the car , but forgot the power was out through the city , so all he was able to pick up was static . He hit his hand on the steering wheel out of frustration . He rummaged through the middle console , careful not to take his eyes off the road for too long , in the hopes of finding some music . All he could find was one of his kid 's compact discs . While cursing , he jammed it into the radio and was immediately serenaded by a rousing rendition of " The Wheels On The Bus " . At first he found the childish tune to be annoying , but he slowly came around and soon found himself singing right along with it . The music helped to take his mind off the task at hand , and he could relax a little . In fact , after a while he found himself thankful for the CD - player even though they were antiquated in the current times . By the time he made it through all of the songs on the disc , he approached the highway ; not that traversing the concrete jungle would be easy . Yesterday when he made his way home chaos ensued , but he had no choice . He had to return to the scene of the crime . He turned on to the highway and headed north . He only drove a mile before getting on another highway , heading west . The congestion was far worse than it had been the day before . Cars were packed nose to tail , and corpses lay everywhere . Some were still in their cars ; blood splattered , filling the interior of the vehicle . Others had tried to run ; their corpses in pieces lying on the pavement . Short Story - Page 3 & 4 And the story continues . I am working on a couple ideas for the title . When I have it narrowed down , I will post them for feedback . Last night he made Molotov cocktails and they were all lined up in a row on his counter . He packed them into a small , old milk crate . He ran to his bedroom and into his closet . He started tossing clothing over his head , out of the closet , and into the bedroom . He searched for a red duffle bag he knew his wife kept in the closet . His thoughts drifted to his wife and he had to choke back the tears . Stay focused . Now is not the time . He found the bag in the back corner of their closet . He grabbed it and ran back to the kitchen . He stuffed the milk crate into the bag , along with the Glocks and spare magazines . It wasn 't much of an arsenal , but it had to be enough . With the bag packed , he pulled out a notepad and searched their junk drawer for a working pen . When he found one , he took it and the pad back to the table and sat down once again . He wrote slowly , so that whoever discovered the note would be able to understand it . He wanted his writing to be crisp and concise . The people , the survivors , had to know what happened , and this was his only chance . He wrote the letter for well over a half hour . He read it over multiple times , to ensure that the reader would get the message . He made several revisions , before settling on the final draft . It took much longer than originally anticipated . He neatly folded the sheets and wrote a message on the outside . They used one of the bedrooms as an office , and in it was a large , floor standing safe . He opened the safe and placed the letter inside . If he succeeded , he would be fifty miles away . He hoped it was far enough the safe would survive . No use worrying about it ; there was nothing he could do about it now . Mike grabbed his duffle bag and put his now dry jacket back on . He brushed aside the curtains once more and thoroughly checked the back yard . Satisfied no one was lurking in the dark , he turned off the propane heater , grabbed his large box of matches and carefully opened the back door . He looked one more time , before stepping out . His SUV was in the driveway , and he ran to it , tossing the duffle bag in the backseat , before climbing in and starting up the engine . He jammed the SUV into reverse , and squealed his tires exiting his driveway . He took off down the street and headed west . The sun set behind the Rocky Mountains , creating an orange and purple filled sky . Mike enjoyed the moment , realizing this was probably one of - if not the - last sunsets he would ever see . It truly was majestic , and a sight to behold . As he navigated through his neighborhood , he was glad he had talked his wife into buying an SUV . Cars were stopped , broken and battered , with car doors open , and parts littered the street . Blood and body parts lay everywhere and Mike had to drive over curbs and onto lawns to actually make it out onto the main street . It was truly amazing to consider what could happen in less than 24 hours . The main roads weren 't much better , but at least there was more room to navigate . It all happened so quickly , and he was fortunate it had taken place during the middle of the afternoon when people were still at work ; not that anything that transpired in the last 24 hours could be classified as fortunate . |
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.